Tag: sex and relationship advice

Posted on

Expert Shares Why You May Be Struggling To Orgasm With Your Partner

BY Tessa Somberg

At various points in our lives, orgasms can be the ultimate bliss and the ultimate frustration. Remember that our relationships with our bodies can be fluid and changeable, and sometimes, this can change the sex we have with our partners. For many women, achieving orgasm with a partner can be a challenge — even when achieving orgasm alone, or with the assistance of something akin to a handy-dandy vibrator, comes easily. We may start to blame ourselves, our partners may start to blame themselves, and the bedroom can start to feel anxiety-provoking, rather than a relaxing space to unwind and enjoy all the pleasures our bodies can feel.

Should you be looking for solutions to easier orgasms, but you’re having trouble honing in on what could be addressed, we have some ideas for you. Women spoke exclusively with Aliyah Moore, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist, to better understand what barriers might need to be broken to achieve orgasm with your partner. She said, “Sex is not a performance, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Take the pressure off of yourself and focus on enjoying the moment. Don’t be discouraged if things don’t go as planned; it happens to the best of us.”

Put your body first

Whether you have recently been struggling to orgasm in the bedroom, or have been struggling for some time, the stress of wondering, “Am I going to orgasm this time?” could be enough to stop you from being in the moment. Speaking exclusively with Women, Dr. Aliyah Moore said, “Sometimes, our brains can get in the way of our bodies. If you’re too worried about whether or not you’re going to orgasm, you might end up putting too much pressure on yourself and making it harder to actually get there.” In order to combat this, remind yourself that when it comes to sex, there is no race to the finish; there is no “right” amount of time it “should” take to get to orgasm. Instead, feeling and embracing pleasure throughout the sex act is part of the experience.

Should you feel your mind racing during sex, and the anxiety over your orgasm has set in, try to redirect your thoughts to the physical sensations in your body. Remind yourself that it is okay to let go of the expectation of orgasm. Perhaps you will be surprised how far that can take you.

Prioritize quality stimulation

Remember also that, when engaging in sex with a new partner, it could simply take time to learn about each other’s bodies. And, of course, knowing your own body is key. “Masturbation can be a helpful way to learn what types of touch and stimulation feel good for you,” Dr. Aliyah Moore said, speaking exclusively with Women. “When you know what feels good for you, it can be easier to communicate that to your partner and guide them to provide the stimulation you need to reach orgasm.”

While you might feel self-conscious speaking up to your partner when you want them to do something different, keep in mind that your partner wants to please you. You can communicate before sex, or gently guide your partner through movements that feel good to you during sex as well. “Approach the issue with empathy and an open mind, and work together to find solutions that work for both of you,” Dr. Moore said. “Try to avoid blame or criticism and instead focus on finding ways to support each other and address the issue together.” Do not be afraid to tell your partner when a certain action does not feel good, either. Incorporating longer foreplay into your sexual encounters has also been shown to increase the rate of orgasm, according to a 2014 article published in Human Reproductive Biology.

Review your medications

Being on certain kinds of medications, namely antidepressants such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, aka SSRIs, can also significantly impact one’s ease in having an orgasm. For those whose depression symptoms are significantly improving on medication, but are still having trouble in bed, there are some ways you can work around side effects that might include lack of sex drive, or difficulty reaching orgasm.

First, know that over time, the side effects of SSRIs on your libido can sometimes fade as your body adjusts to the medication. Should you have just started your treatment and feel frustrated with the changes in your sex life, do what you can to be gentle with yourself, and give the circumstances some patience. Should the issue persist, “Talk to your doctor,” Dr. Aliyah Moore suggested, speaking exclusively with Women. “If you’re experiencing difficulty reaching orgasm, it’s a good idea to talk to your doctor to rule out any underlying medical conditions or medication side effects that could be contributing to the problem. Your doctor may be able to suggest treatments or adjustments to your medication that could help,” she said. This could include anything from lowering the dose when appropriate, to switching medications to see if the issue continues.

Assess your physical health issues

A number of physical issues could also hinder your ability to orgasm in bed. One is anorgasmia. According to Mayo Clinic, “Anorgamsia is delayed, infrequent or absent orgasms — or significantly less-intense orgasms — after sexual arousal and adequate sexual stimulation. Women who have problems with orgasms and who feel significant distress about those problems may be diagnosed with anorgasmia.”

There are other issues, too. Speaking exclusively with Women, Dr. Aliyah Moore said, “Unfortunately, certain health conditions can impact our sexual function. Diabetes, multiple sclerosis, and spinal cord injuries are just a few examples. But even things like hormonal imbalances or thyroid issues can play a role.”

There are also several kinds of sexual dysfunction disorders that could contribute to issues with orgasming, where symptoms could include having pain during sex, perhaps caused by ovarian cysts or fibroids, and having a lack of sexual desire or arousal. Age does tend to be a factor in many sexual dysfunction disorders, however. For any number of these concerns, see a doctor or specialist for treatment plans and ideas.

Consider the role of past trauma

ƒsubPast trauma can also be a sensitive barrier to achieving orgasm. When you have had a traumatic experience surrounding sex, reclaiming your body can be a process that necessitates care, love, attention, and trust. Survivors of sexual assault, for example, might experience self-blame, disgust, or otherwise feel disconnected from their bodies, which can make sexual experiences hard to enjoy. Some may even have flashbacks of the traumatic incident. Know that it is possible to repair your relationship with your body and with sex, even when it feels challenging. Understanding your triggers and boundaries, as well as engaging in robust communication, are just a few ideas that can help shape what you want out of your sexual experiences.

Perhaps you might simply be having issues in your relationship that make having an orgasm difficult. “If past trauma or relationship issues are impacting your ability to orgasm, working with a therapist can be helpful in addressing these issues,” said Dr. Aliyah Moore, speaking exclusively with Women. She continued, “A therapist who specializes in sexual issues can help you work through any underlying psychological factors that may be impacting your ability to reach orgasm.” And where therapy is financially unfeasible, explore sexual education resources online. The sex exploration app Ferly, for example, offers expert guides, insight, and community for a small fee each month.

In the end, Dr. Moore advised, “Be gentle with yourself and your partner: It’s important to remember that sexual function can be impacted by various factors, and it’s not necessarily anyone’s fault.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

How to set sexual boundaries

— Having boundaries establishes trust between partners. Here’s how to do it.

By Anna Iovine

Boundaries are the latest buzzword in the mental wellness space, but with good reason: They allow us to express what we want, and feel safer in our relationships.

That being said, setting boundaries isn’t easy — especially in the bedroom. “In a culture that applauds people for being as easy-going and flexible, it can feel like we are inconveniencing people by setting clear sexual boundaries,” said queer sex therapist and expert for sex toy brand LELO, Casey Tanner.

In reality, however, setting boundaries builds trust between partners. If someone knows their boundaries will be respected, they’ll feel more confident taking risks and exploring with you, Tanner said. We asked experts like them to explain what boundaries even are, and how you can set them with your partner.

What are boundaries?

The word “boundary” gets thrown around a lot, and not always correctly. “I set a boundary for my partner,” for example, isn’t a boundary, said relationship, sex, and mental health therapist Rachel Wright. Why? “Boundaries are things that we set for ourselves that we are not available for,” she said. “‘I can’t talk tonight’ is a boundary. ‘I am not going to participate in this conversation if you’re talking to me like that’ is a boundary.”

With sexual boundaries, it’s the same thing: It’s our own preferences. Examples of sexual boundaries Wright said are: “I don’t like to be touched here,” and, “I’m not interested in anal sex.”

“Whatever the case is,” said Wright, “it has to start with ‘I.'”

Wright’s advice is to, first and foremost, figure out what these boundaries are for you. Acknowledge that they can and likely will change over time — just like our desires can change.

“You are the only person who can set your sexual boundaries,” echoed Tanner. After you communicate them to your partner(s), though, everyone involved is accountable to holding them and checking-in over time.

Sometimes, boundaries may be more nuanced than an absolute yes or no, and it may require self-exploration to figure out where you draw the line.

One challenge people face is being unsure where their boundaries lie, they continued. Sometimes, boundaries may be more nuanced than an absolute yes or no, and it may require self-exploration to figure out where you draw the line. “This is why it’s so important to embrace a consent practice that allows you to say ‘no’ halfway through trying something,” said Tanner. “You can always rescind your consent, even if initially you thought you were interested.”

If setting sexual boundaries feels scary, Tanner recommends setting non-sexual boundaries with people you know to be supportive. Try saying “no” to an event you don’t feel like going to, for example. By practicing boundaries in a lower-stakes setting, you’ll be more prepared to advocate for yourself in sexual situations.

Contain the boundary conversation

Once you establish what your boundaries are, the next step is to share them with your partner. “A beautiful way to do that is through asking for a container,” Wright said. A container, in this instance, means a specific time and place to have an important conversation. A way to ask for that is, “I would love to have a conversation with you about sexual boundaries. When would be a good time?”

“You can always rescind your consent, even if initially you thought you were interested.”

We may ambush our loved ones with these sensitive conversations and launch into them without consent, which doesn’t go over well. If someone had a bad day at work, for example, their mind will be elsewhere than what you want to talk about. This could leave you feeling rejected — but asking for a container can help this.

If such an in-person conversation is difficult for you — or you’re meeting someone for a hookup for the first time — you can discuss boundaries via text or dating app beforehand, Tanner said. Try initiating a conversation about limits and desires prior to meeting.

How to tell your partner your sexual boundaries

Once you establish a time and place (preferably private, say your living room), now you state your boundaries and have an open conversation.

Discuss any areas of your body that you prefer not to be touched, penetrated, or have contact with without a barrier (like a condom) — or at least without consent first each time, said sexologist and therapist Dr. Joy Berkheimer, LMFT.

Tell your partner any words or scenarios you may find uncomfortable, and ask them the same. Examples Berkheimer named are being too dominant or submissive, introducing toys, or refusing toys.

Discuss erotic possibilities that are on or off the table; read Mashable’s guide for discussing kink with your vanilla partner. If needed, introduce a safe word, or a prearranged word to stop a sexual activity in the moment.

Remember that you don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you have a boundary. If it feels good to share, by all means, do; if you don’t, however, that’s okay. “Even a gut feeling that says ‘this doesn’t feel right’ is a valid reason to set a sexual boundary,” Tanner said.

If you have multiple partners, you can also have different boundaries with different people! Boundaries with a longtime partner will look different than those with someone new.

Stay open when speaking about your intimate values, and embrace the fact that we’ve all absorbed varying narratives about sexuality and our bodies, Berkheimer said.

“We’ve been informed by our families culture, possibly personal trauma, past relationships or media,” Berkheimer continued. “There is so much messaging that happens way before we ever get physical, so to feel safe with intimate partners, they have to be willing to show us they will uphold the boundaries we request for our mental, emotional and physical health.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

How to Find Out What She Likes in Bed

— The Top 10 Questions to Ask

By Ivy Cosca>

Having sex is healthy. Most experts also agree that it’s beneficial to couples — it’s basic human nature! Plus, who doesn’t want to see their partners enjoy sex? It’s easy to navigate your way while getting it on in the bedroom. However, communicating with your partner to find out what she likes in bed is easier — just ask her!

If you’re not sure which questions to ask to find out what she likes in bed, we got you! Here are 10 ways to find out what she likes in bed (not necessarily in order):

Ask your partner these questions to find out what she likes in bed:

1. “How do you like to be kissed?

Sex or no sex, kissing is an intimate act — not only can it oftentimes be a wholesome act, but it’s also a great way to show your emotional and physical admiration for her. But what’s important to know is how she even wants to be kissed in the first place.

Asking her how she likes to be kissed may not sound that important, but you can find out what she likes in bed by getting to the details of how she likes kissing and being kissed — how much tongue does she like? Does she enjoy her lower lip lightly bitten or sucked? What’s her preferred pace?https://www.laweekly.com/how-to-find-out-what-she-likes-in-bed/

Moreover, even though kissing is commonly done, some women don’t like being kissed at all! If she’s one of those people, respect her preference — it’s probably not because of you. But if it is you, then this question is even more relevant to ask — because you’ll find out how you can improve your kissing game.

2. “Do you like to give oral sex?”

To some women, going down on their partner can be intimidating — because not a lot of them are confident with their fellatio skills. If this is the case, you can reassure her or teach her how you prefer receiving oral sex. But if she’s just not into it, that’s her decision to make.

But if she does like giving oral sex, then, well…it’s a win-win for you two!

3. “Do you like being on the receiving end of oral sex?”

Again, oral sex — some women like giving it, some women like receiving one, and some just don’t! One reason a woman doesn’t like receiving oral sex is because they’re insecure about the “odor” that they think they have down there. If this is her reason for having an aversion to cunnilingus, let her know that the vagina isn’t meant to smell like roses — and there will be a certain scent that shouldn’t be considered “foul!” Unless, of course, she has an infection — if so, that should be treated right away!

Another reason for a woman not wanting to be on the receiving end of oral sex is it simply just doesn’t do anything for them — some might even feel that their clitoris can get “overstimulated.” On the other hand, if she doesn’t mind cunnilingus, then, there’s another act that can amp up your sex life!

4. “What makes you orgasm?”

Women climax to different triggers. Some like their nipples played with, some prefer clitoris massages, others need g-spot or cervix stimulation — other women also get off to anal sex. Regardless of which one it is, it’s important to find out what makes her orgasm. Isn’t that the ultimate goal anyway?

5. “How do you feel about having sex in public places?”

If you and your partner agree that public sex is a “yay,” and you guys plan on doing it, find out first the laws in which the sex act will be committed. Public sex is common and it’s typically done in planes (aka the mile-high club), cars, parks, and so on. It’s generally harmless when no one catches you in the act, but, in California, public sexual activity is an offense.

The California penal code 647(a) states that it’s a crime to “engage in or to solicit anyone to engage in lewd or dissolute conduct in any public place or in any place open to the public or exposed to public view,” Therefore, when engaging in public sex, you and your partner should be very careful. It’s also best that you’re aware of the possible repercussions if you get caught!

6. “Are you into threesomes or group sex?”

Group sex is a common sexual fantasy — and lots of folks also engage in one. If you or your partner is into threesomes or group sex, discuss first who and how you’ll get other people to join the ”party!” What will the situation be like? — MFM? MMF? FFM? FMF? Are you and your partner exclusive? Will it remain that way afterward? These are the few questions that you and your partner should discuss.

But if you’re not into threesomes, group sex, swinging, or polyamory, in general, you don’t have to engage in one! She also has to respect your decision, if so — and so should you with her decision, if she’s the one who refuses to participate in those aforementioned non-monogamous sex acts.

7. “Do you like using sex toys?”

Adult toys have made their way into countless women’s nightstands. But if your partner doesn’t own one, doesn’t plan on owning one, and she’s not open to being stimulated by one, then you can stick to — uhh — sticking your own junk inside instead.

On the other hand, if she does like sex toys, then sex can become even more exciting — because you’ll have a device (or two, or more!) to help you make her achieve an orgasm!

8. “What’s your favorite position?”

Sometimes, we have to go back to basics: a simple switch in position is enough to make a woman orgasm! You just have to find out what she likes in bed by asking what her favorite position is! Whether it’s eye contact from an intimate missionary position, or she likes to receive it from behind — for maximum cervix stimulation — there are creative ways to make her climax.

9. “Are you into sexting?”

Turning her on doesn’t always have to involve physical contact. Sometimes, sexting is enough to make her want you in the bedroom ASAP! But find out first if she’s into that. Furthermore, ask her how she feels about dick pics, sending her nudes, or if she also wants to send you some.

10. “Do you have preferred erotic acts, kinks, fetishes, or sexual fantasies?”

In essence, penetrative sex is the act of repeatedly thrusting the penis inside a woman’s orifice — be it the vagina or the anus. But most people don’t settle with just that! That’s why it’s practically normal to have sexual preferences, fantasies, kinks, and fetishes — even if it’s simple hair-pulling or spanking. Additionally, some are into, say, shower sex or dirty talk.

Some women also like being tied up or blindfolded — and other women prefer doing these to their partner instead. Regardless of what it is, she probably has one erotic act that she enjoys doing — or be done to her. Just like you!

Speaking of kinks…

However, some kinks, fantasies, or fetishes have to be thoroughly thought of before you and your partner perform them — some of them may be commonly done, and they sure as heck wouldn’t be common if they weren’t enjoyable to many, but there are possible dangers to some sex acts.

Here are common sex acts and kinks you can ask to find out what she likes in bed, and the potential consequences:

Age gap kink

Age gap kink, DDLG (Daddy Dom, Little Girl), or as the internet calls it: the daddy kink! Some women like to role-play that they’re being dominated by someone older than them — or someone who will simply just dominate them. But it also depends on her fantasies about how big the “age gap” will be and how sexually aggressive their “Daddy” will be. In some instances, it’s she who wants to role-play as the older person — or be called “Mommy” in some situations.

However, make sure that the age gap kink remains a kink or act of role-play — under no circumstances should either party involve an actual minor! According to Searah Deysach, a sex educator based in Chicago, in her interview with Insider (regarding the age gap kink), “It’s important to note that an age gap kink involves consenting adults (not children) pretending to be younger than they really are,”

Role-playing as a minor (whether it’s her or if she asks that it be you) isn’t necessarily a “red flag,” but the actual involvement of a minor is a serious, serious crime that can inevitably land you both in jail!

Foot fetish

Foot fetish involves performing sexual acts using the feet. But sometimes, the feet are the “main event.” Some women like her feet adored, and some like her feet tickled, licked, or stimulated. Now, a foot fetish is far from dangerous. If she has this fetish, and you’re willing to give it a go, just make sure that you guys are licking each other’s clean feet! It harbors tons of bacteria!

Choking

Choking, erotic asphyxiation, or breath play seems to be another trending topic or widely-discussed kink on the internet. It involves cutting off the oxygen supply to the brain — which enhances sexual excitement. This can be a safe sexual act if you know how to properly perform it. If she’s into choking, and you’re willing to perform it on her, do your research first on how to properly sexually choke someone!

The United States National Library of Medicine published a journal and they estimate that 200 to 1,000 people die from erotic asphyxiation every year. Therefore, we cannot stress it enough: do your research first!

BDSM

You can say that BDSM is one of the few all-time favorite kinks! That’s why if she’s into BDSM, or Bondage, Discipline (or Domination), Sadism, Masochism, you shouldn’t be too surprised! Lots of sexual acts fall under the BDSM category. Therefore, there isn’t a single act to define what it is — or what she would want you guys to do.

However, again, BDSM is supposed to involve non-dangerous or non-permanent ways of inflicting mild to moderate pain or discomfort for erotic purposes. Thus, one should be very careful when performing BDSM with your partner. Have a safe word!

All in All,

The best way to find out what she likes in bed ultimately boils down to one thing: communication. Whether she’s your wife, girlfriend, or FWB, it’s important to find out what she likes in bed — so you guys can make the most out of your experience and both of you achieve la petite mort! Because neither of you deserves an uncomfortable one — and definitely not a risky one!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Sexual Assault

— How to Help Your Loved One

Each year, millions of men and women in the United States are affected by sexual violence. It is distressing to find out that someone you love has been a victim of sexual assault, but there are steps you can take to offer support.

By Natalie Evenson, MSN, BSN, RN, SANE-A

  • After a sexual assault, it may be easy to lose focus on what is most important; your primary focus should be on your loved one’s physical and emotional needs.
  • During this crisis, your loved one needs your unconditional support and care.
  • Following a sexual assault, victims face making difficult decisions; respecting your loved one’s decisions without question is essential.

How to respond

It is hard to know how to react after finding out a loved one has been a victim of sexual assault. It takes courage for someone to disclose what happened, and you may be at a loss for how to respond.

Each individual reacts and copes with traumatic events differently. Your loved one may be tearful, angry, withdrawn, or even laughing and joking. These are all normal responses to trauma; the best thing to do is be a supportive presence.

Personal and physical safety and well-being are of utmost importance. You can help create a safety plan to avoid contact with the person who assaulted your loved one. You should contact law enforcement if your loved one is receiving threats or is in imminent danger.

If your loved one wishes to seek medical attention, many hospitals have sexual assault nurse examiners available. These nurses can offer a sexual assault examination and collect forensic evidence several days after a sexual assault.

Ways you can offer support

It may be challenging to know how to comfort a loved one who has been a victim of sexual assault. The most important thing is to express your care and concern. Offering support can be done in a variety of ways.

  • Ask your loved one what you can do to help. Let your loved one express what you can do to help them feel comfortable and safe. It may be as simple as gathering their favorite comfort items, like their favorite fuzzy blanket and slippers.
  • Validate your loved one’s feelings. They may be overwhelmed by a wide range of confusing emotions. Listen and empathize with their feelings, fears, and concerns.
  • Ask for permission before giving physical touch. Your loved one has lost power and control over their own body. Letting your loved one tell you how they would like to be comforted puts them in control. You might be more valuable by providing kind words than physical affection.
  • Respect your loved one’s choices. It is up to your loved one to decide the next steps following a sexual assault. They must determine if they want to talk to law enforcement or seek medical attention. Whether or not you agree with the decisions your loved one has made, it is essential to respect their choices unconditionally.

Things you should avoid

Everyone copes with crises and trauma differently. There is no right way to react when hearing that someone you love has been a victim of sexual assault. Your loved one may have feelings of guilt or self-blame.

It takes great courage for someone to disclose they have been a victim of sexual assault. You must reassure your loved one that they are not at fault and that you support and believe them. You may have many questions about the incident, but you should let your loved one disclose the information if and when they feel ready.

You may be angry and have thoughts and opinions about the situation; however, you should put your feelings aside and focus on supporting your loved one.

How to support your loved one moving forward

Following a sexual assault, it is common to feel numb or anxious. Your loved one may experience difficulty sleeping or eating or experience flashbacks and panic attacks. Encouraging soothing and relaxing self-care exercises like breath work or meditation may be helpful.

Your loved one may benefit from seeing a therapist or counselor to help them cope and begin to heal from their trauma. Be aware of warning signs that your loved one may be having thoughts of self-harm. You can refer your loved one to mental health crisis resources as needed.

Hearing about someone else’s traumatic events can affect your mental health. You may have difficulty processing what happened to your loved one. Be kind to yourself and seek mental health resources for yourself if needed.

In this digital age, venting or sharing information online may be tempting. Remember to respect your loved one’s confidentiality. They may be ready to disclose to you, but you must respect their privacy.

There are many resources for survivors of sexual assault. If your loved one is interested, referring them to an advocacy or support group may be helpful.

When a loved one has been a victim of sexual assault, there are many things you can do to help them. Recovering after a sexual assault is a long-term process; your loved one needs empathy and unconditional support. The most important thing is to follow their cues and let your loved one tell you how you can help them through the process.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

The rise of voluntary celibacy

— ‘Most of the sex I’ve had, I wish I hadn’t bothered’

More and more people are choosing to go without sex. And, in many cases, they’ve never been happier

By

Caitlin didn’t set out to become celibate – at least not in the beginning. Three years ago, she was coming out of an abusive relationship and wasn’t ready to meet someone else. Then Covid happened, and the lockdowns made it impossible anyway. “I thought during that time I needed space to heal and reflect on what I’d been through,” she says. Towards the end of 2020, the 23-year-old artist started therapy. “I realised if I was going to be sexually active, I needed someone who would understand my past, and where I was coming from. I don’t want to be with someone unless I know it’s committed, and I’m not in a rush to find that.”

She had been on dating apps, but found it hard to meet men who wanted a relationship, rather than just sex. “I found they would stop talking to me if I made it known I wasn’t going to hook up with them on the first date. I found a lot of men would put on a bit of an act to appear as if they wanted a relationship, then as soon as you took sex off the table while getting to know them, they disappeared. It’s tricky when a lot of dating is around hook-up culture, which I’m not interested in.”

Caitlin’s celibacy, three years in now, became intentional. She hasn’t missed sex itself, she says, and certainly not casual sex, although sometimes, “seeing people in relationships and having healthy sex lives, can make me go: ‘Why don’t I have that?’” But it has had unintentional benefits. “It’s taught me more about what I enjoy in sex, which I wasn’t expecting. I thought it was going to put me at a disadvantage, but I feel a lot more confident in my own sexuality.” While sex with someone else is out, masturbation is still in, and she says her libido has increased. “I think because exploring different things without dealing with another person has allowed me to find what I enjoy.” It has also made her more relaxed about finding a relationship (or not). “I’ve got other things to focus on. It’s if someone fits into my life rather than me needing to make room for them.”

On TikTok, voluntary or intentional celibacy has become a trend – the #celibacy hashtag has had more than 195m views – with those who practise it claiming it has improved their focus, mental health and energy. In January, it was reported that there was a 90% increase in Google searches for celibacy that month.

“This coincides with a long‑term trend among people today, in general, having less sex with fewer partners,” says Dr Justin Lehmiller, a Kinsey Institute research fellow and host of the Sex and Psychology podcast. “Humans are increasingly less sexually active, with some forgoing sex altogether.” Study after study of sexual behaviour, in different countries, show this. The last National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal) in Britain found that 16% of men and 22% of women aged 16 to 74 were sexually inactive, and for most of them, it wasn’t a problem. While the authors noted the documented wellbeing benefits of a satisfying sex life, of those who had previously had sexual experience, the majority were not dissatisfied with their situation (around a third of men, and a quarter of women reported they were dissatisfied, although age had an effect, with younger people more dissatisfied than older people). The Natsal data is more than 10 years old, though, and its authors noted in a 2019 paper on the sexually inactive how little is known about them.

The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior in the US found that between 2009 and 2018 there was a rise in adolescents reporting no sexual activity (partnered and alone), from 28.8% to 44.2% of young men and from 49.5% to 74% of young women. In one interview, the study’s authors raised several possible contributing factors, including gaming and social media taking time and precedence, more awareness of asexuality as an identity, a decline in alcohol use, an increase in “rough sex” practices such as choking that may be frightening or off-putting to many, and lower incomes.

Voluntary celibacy in the US, where Lehmiller is based, seems to have more links to religion than it does in the UK. Furthermore, he says, “in this #MeToo and post-Roe era [with the rollback of reproductive rights] we find ourselves in, the perceived risks associated with sex are higher, particularly for women. And, when you factor in the orgasm gap and the fact that women’s pleasure still isn’t on a par with men’s, some women are asking themselves whether sex is even worth it. If you see it as a high-risk, low-reward kind of thing, you might decide you’re better off without it.”

He suggests that celibacy, for some, may be part of “the growing trend towards delayed adulthood. Individuals might see sex and relationships as distractions, or as not having much point until they’ve found stability in other life circumstances.” The pressures of studying, establishing a career or saving for a home may take priority. While voluntary celibacy seems less popular among non‑religious heterosexual men, some have talked online about intentional celibacy providing more focus for their careers, with sex being a distraction.

 

For those who are dating, apps have changed the way many people find partners, but as Lehmiller points out, online dating is an arena “where there’s a lot of toxic behaviour, brutal rejection and feelings of intense competition for mates. It can make sex and relationships feel like a high-stress, high-stakes thing. Some people may find that taking a pause from that is good for their mental health.”

While celibacy is for many a positive personal choice, it can also be viewed as the result of, or a reaction against, a messed-up sexual culture, just as some of the second wave feminists chose political lesbianism decades ago. Last year, the “femcel”, or “female involuntary celibate”, went mainstream. “They feel the same sense of ‘humiliation and exclusion’ that ‘incels’ do,” as a piece in the Atlantic put it, “but they react to those feelings differently.”

Unlike the notorious misogynistic incels who blame women for not wanting to have sex with them, femcels posting in online groups tend to blame their celibacy on the soul-destroying sexual landscape and a society that, for all its hollow talk of “body positivity”, is still obsessed with looks and beauty conventions.

Louise Perry, author of The Case Against the Sexual Revolution, says that many young heterosexual women “now feel as if they have to run the gauntlet of hook-up culture if they want to have any kind of sexual relationship. I think a lot of them, quite fairly, would rather not have any sexual relationship at all.” The influence and availability of pornography, she adds, “has had a really destructive effect on sexual culture.” She says surveys show that “most women don’t get that much out of casual sex. The problem is, because our sexual culture is so oriented towards a more masculine style of sexuality, a lot of young women in particular don’t feel as if they are able to demand commitment from their partners. Increasing numbers are opting out of the sexual culture altogether.”

It’s naive, she says, to think you can simply choose to avoid pornography and casual sex if you’re sexually active, “because the nature of sex in general, and social relationships, is that they’re networked – you have sex with people who have sex with other people, who watch porn. Even if you choose not to do that, other people do it, and it changes the culture. I think that, particularly in young people, who are super-sensitive to what other people think about them, the default setting now is to have pornified, casual sex.” For some people, opting out might feel like their only option.

Not that voluntary celibacy has just been invented. Stephen gave up sex more than 20 years ago, when he had just turned 40. “I’d become disillusioned with the gay scene, and too much casual sex with strangers. While I was in my 20s it could be fun, but most of the time, when I had sex with someone I’d just met, I was always hoping it was going to be more than just the one night. I was hoping for a relationship.” The last time he had sex, he contracted syphilis, which was the final straw.

A year or so ago, now in his early 60s, Stephen thought he might make another attempt at a sex life. “I gave Grindr a go, and that was quite an eye-opener.” The dating scene had changed in his decades of celibacy, with apps making casual hook-ups even easier, and he says he was alarmed by the number of people who wanted to have sex while taking drugs. He went on three dates with different men. “We did a bit of touching and kissing, but when it came to going any further, each time I said: ‘I’ve changed my mind.’ Now I’ve put myself back on the shelf. Most of the sex I’ve ever had, I wish I hadn’t bothered. It wasn’t what I thought it was going to be and it just seems so much effort for something that’s over quickly. Looking back, it’s all very disappointing.”

He has missed intimacy, but companionship and affection have come from friends and his dogs. He is still open to being in a relationship, he says, and hasn’t lost his sex drive, but he thinks he is unlikely to meet someone now. “I’d need to have sex with someone I’ve known, even just for a few weeks, or a few days, instead of with someone whose name you can’t quite remember. An intimate but non-sexual relationship might be the best for me. It would be nice to lie in bed with someone, be an old married couple from the start.”

Celibacy, says Ammanda Major, head of clinical practice for Relate, “works when it works, and it doesn’t work when it doesn’t work. A lot of this comes down to: is this something that you feel is important to you, and you’re doing it for you? Or is it something that you feel is imposed on you, for reasons that might be very difficult? Like you’ve had a period without a partner, or you’ve gone through a period of ill health, whether mental or physical.” If it hasn’t been a positive choice, she says, it could “cause people to feel potentially unloved and uncared for”.

It can also raise problems, unsurprisingly, in relationships where one partner wants to follow a celibate lifestyle, but the other doesn’t. In that situation, you have to be willing to have a potentially difficult conversation about what it means for your relationship. Our society puts a lot of emphasis on sex, “but it’s not for everyone”, she says. “Celibacy can be a conscious decision, or it may be something that you just gently morph into and that also feels OK for you.” Major suggests asking yourself what celibacy brings to your life. “Are you cutting yourself off from sex, or are you cutting yourself off from intimacy? Are they the same for you? Can you be intimate while being celibate?”

It can certainly have benefits in a variety of situations, she says. “It’s not unusual for people after the breakup of a relationship, or periods of a lot of sexual activity, to take a step back and think: ‘I need to do some self-care, which involves taking myself out of this sexual arena at the moment. I will engage with it again at some point, but this is time to think about what I want to do next.’ Which may be to maintain celibacy, or it may be to engage with an intimate partner or several partners.”

Without her period of intentional celibacy a few years ago, after a breakup, Kelly Jenner believes she wouldn’t have changed her relationship patterns for the better. “I went for men who were very unavailable,” she says. “Now I’m in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had – I’ve got clear boundaries, we have healthy conversations, whereas I never had that before I did intentional celibacy.” Now a breakup recovery coach, Jenner often recommends a period of celibacy to others. How long it lasts is less important, she thinks, than the intention; simply a sexless period between partners doesn’t necessarily come with the same benefits. “The intention changes your whole mindset around dating.”

For Hope Flynn, 31, head of content for iPlaySafe, a home-testing STI kit and app, her eight-month stretch of celibacy – she had been having sex about three times a week, so it was intentional rather than a mere dry spell – was about resetting her attitudes to sex. “I really enjoy sex, but I started to notice I was using it in the wrong way,” she says. She was going through a difficult time – she was trying to launch a business and had experienced a couple of bereavements – and would seek no-strings sex as a distraction and for comfort.

“It wasn’t really doing anything for me, other than making me feel as if I was making wrong decisions. I had to put the brakes on it for a few months, and focus on myself and making myself feel better.” It was sometimes difficult, she says. “It was lonely at times, and I felt like I was being my own fun police, but it was needed.”

Earlier this year, she had another period of abstention – this time from pornography and masturbation, because she felt that had got out of control. “I wanted to have a better relationship with porn, and use my own imagination a bit more.” Both sexual breaks helped her focus on other areas of her life by removing sex as a distraction, and it made her appreciate sex more when she started being intimate again. “When I was having sex so regularly, it just becomes something that you do, but it was nice to have that break and make it special again.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

5 Myths About Orgasms We Need To Put To Bed

By Amanda Chatel
When it comes to orgasms, there’s a hotbed of myths surrounding them. The reason for this is because they’re shrouded in mystery. To give you an example of just how mysterious the orgasm is, especially for those with vulvas, according to a 2005 study published in HHS Author Manuscripts, it wasn’t until the mid-1990s that researchers, via MRI, discovered the clitoris has an internal component. The MRI also found that this inner part was far bigger than the exposed bulb and the clitoris has erectile tissue similar to that of a penis, giving some much-needed insight into the clitoris and how it impacts orgasms from the outside and inside.

What makes the orgasm for those with vulvas even more puzzling for researchers is that it’s not necessary for pregnancy, unlike when someone with a penis orgasms and releases sperm meant to fertilize, resulting in conception. Our orgasm is essentially an enigma, per The New York Times. But where there’s a mystery, rumors will follow. Here are five of the most common myths about orgasms that we’re putting to bed right now.

Everyone should be able to orgasm through penetration alone

If ever there were a myth that needed to be debunked, shattered, and put out to pasture it’s that penetration equals orgasm for everyone. If only it were that easy. Study after study has found that the majority of people with a vulva can’t orgasm through intercourse alone. While those percentages vary based on the participants, a 2017 study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy found that 36.6% need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, while only 18.4% reported that penetration alone could bring them to climax.

But it’s not only people with vulvas who need more than penetration to orgasm. Per a 2016 study published in Socioaffective Neuroscience & Psychology, contrary to what we might have been taught, those with penises don’t actually have a 100% orgasm rate during penetrative sex either — it’s “[m]ore than 90%,” according to the Scandinavian Journal of Sexology. Granted, that’s pretty darn close to 100%, thereby illustrating that the orgasm gap is indeed legitimate, but it’s important to realize that penetration alone simply doesn’t do it for everyone.

Sex is only good if there’s an orgasm involved

Because our culture puts so much emphasis on orgasms, we often forget that great sex doesn’t have to involve them. Especially if you take into consideration the fact that some people struggle to orgasm or don’t orgasm at all. If we reduce sex — in all its forms — to just achieving orgasms, then we all lose. Just as much as intercourse isn’t the only type of sex one can have, orgasm isn’t the only result of sex that can be experienced.

“There are a million reasons why we choose to be sexual, ranging from wanting intimacy, for excitement, to relieve boredom and to feel attractive,” psychosexologist Dr. Karen Gurney tells Refinery 29. “Many of these motivations can give us pleasure without getting anywhere near orgasm … The psychological and physical processes which result in orgasm involve a complex interplay between receiving bodily sensations that we enjoy, situations which we find erotic, and our ability to focus our attention on all of these things.”

When we put too much importance on having an orgasm, we miss out on properly enjoying the ride. Sex is a journey, from beginning to end, with a lot of different sensations and methods to experience arousal along the way. In fact, concentrating so much on coming can make it even harder to achieve.

There’s only one type of orgasm

When we hear the word “orgasm,” we tend to immediately think of climax that results from clitoral stimulation or, if you have a penis, when ejaculation occurs. But, and this might be some of the most exciting news you’ll read in a long time, there are several types of orgasms.

In addition to the clitoral orgasm, there’s the vaginal orgasm (also known as the G-spot orgasm) as well as the blended orgasm, which is experiencing both the clitoral and vaginal orgasms at the same time. There are also multiple orgasms; the anal orgasm; and the nipple orgasm (yes, some people can climax from nipple stimulation!) With the hotly debated squirting orgasm, fluid (not urine) is released from the urethral glands. The coregasm is induced by core-focused exercise, while skin orgasms, also known as music orgasms, are usually dismissed as goosebumps. Sleep orgasms are those delightful no-effort orgasms that we have while getting some proper shuteye. The U-spot orgasm results from urethral stimulation, while the A-spot orgasm has to do with the anterior fornix, which is located roughly a couple of inches above the G-spot.

Not only are there so many types of orgasms that can be experienced, but there are different intensities that can be felt with each. If that weren’t enough, genital orgasms can be broken up into three categories: avalanche, volcano, and wave. According to a 2022 study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, these orgasms are the result of the tension being held in the pelvic floor — in case you needed another reason to practice your Kegel exercises regularly. Fun fact: a strong pelvic floor means stronger and even longer orgasms.

Using sex toys on a regular basis will desensitize your genitals

Sex toys have finally become mainstream, and are no longer something that one should feel shy about purchasing or owning. Sex toy innovation has reached extraordinary heights and with so many pleasure companies being owned by people with vulvas, these products are being created to help close that aforementioned orgasm gap.

Sex toys of all kinds are great for not just orgasms, but experimentation and self-exploration. Because, after all, you never really know what gets you off until you try something new. But despite this, a rumor persists that using sex toys, vibrators in particular, too often is going to desensitize the genitals (most notably the clitoris) making orgasm more difficult to achieve — especially during partnered sex. Simply, that’s not how the body works.

“What actually happens with a vibrator is that you tend to reach the climax faster because you are being intensely stimulated, more so than a finger or hand,” sex therapist Rachel Hoffman tells Insider. “Therefore, when you compare a session with your vibrator to a session with a partner (without a vibrator) it might feel very different, creating the myth of desensitization.”

Different types of stimulation create different types of sensations. But if your clitoris has started to rely more on your vibrator for orgasms than other types of stimulation — for example, your partner’s hands or tongue — then you can take a sex toy break. However, desensitizing your genitals just isn’t a thing.

If you can’t orgasm, there’s something wrong with you

Short answer: this is absolutely, positively not true. According to a 2000 study published in Current Psychiatry Reports, 10% to 15% of those with vulvas experience anorgasmia — the inability to orgasm. Anorgasmia is a disorder that isn’t just the complete absence of orgasms after sexual arousal, but it can also result in delayed climax, or rare and less intense orgasms (via Mayo Clinic).

For some, anorgasmia can be a lifelong disorder in which an orgasm is never achieved, or it can be something that comes about over one’s lifetime, or it can be situational in that you have a million other things on your plate and your head just isn’t in the game. But no matter the reason, the inability to orgasm isn’t a flaw, nor does it mean you’re broken or can’t enjoy sex. It means you enjoy sex differently than those who are able to orgasm.

As much as orgasms are a wonderful experience, it’s paramount to keep in mind that pleasure looks and feels different for everyone. If your main mode of satisfaction is an orgasm, that’s great. But keeping in mind just how complicated human sexuality is, it’s also essential to know that orgasms don’t hit the spot for everyone in the same way.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

I’m a Sex Coach in a Monogamish Relationship

— Here’s How I Handle the Fear and Jealousy That Can Come With Non-Monogamy

By Quean Mo

Even if you know wholeheartedly that you want to be non-monogamous, actually engaging in that relationship structure can elicit a variety of complex emotions. At the same time that you feel desire, you might also feel fear and jealousy—and I’ve experienced this firsthand, as both a person in a monogamish relationship (a form of non-monogamy that allows for agreed-upon sex acts outside of an otherwise monogamous relationship) and a sex coach who works with clients looking to navigate the complexities of such relationships.

When my husband James and I first got together eight years ago, it was in a monogamous relationship. But after we built a loving, trusting partnership—one that alleviated the emotional baggage I carried from a prior abusive relationship—I found that I was able to access parts of myself that I’d previously closed off. I discovered that I was a cuckquean (a woman who is aroused by her partner having an affair with another woman) and that I wanted to open up our relationship.

The idea of James sleeping with other women drove me mad with jealousy, and yet that jealousy felt so intensely good. The best way to describe this experience is that, because I felt emotionally secure within my relationship, I could sit in the fiery sensation that jealousy conjures without burning alive; it warmed and exhilarated me rather than consuming me.

The prospect of actually engaging in this fantasy, however, sparked loud, conflicting voices in my head. One voice promised that this lifestyle would make our relationship all the more fulfilling, while the other warned of the opposite. I was fighting with myself, but one feeling remained consistent: I loved James, and I also wanted to explore pleasure beyond ourselves.

Over the past four-plus years together, we’ve done just that, carefully weighing the pros and cons of non-monogamy and crafting a version of it that suits us both. The process has been a gateway to personal and relationship growth and enhanced pleasure. But it certainly hasn’t always been easy or linear.

Mainstream society tends to reinforce a primarily monogamous relationship structure and offers little guidance on anything outside of it, much less the nuanced feelings that non-monogamy can spark.

I’ve noticed non-monogamy becoming increasingly popular, but even so, mainstream society tends to reinforce a primarily monogamous relationship structure that offers little guidance on anything outside of that, much less the nuanced feelings that non-monogamy can spark. Below, I share how I’ve learned to navigate the fear and jealousy that can arise with non-monogamy and the advice I offer clients who aim to do the same.

5 tips to manage fear and jealousy when embracing non-monogamy with a partner

1. Discuss both the upsides of non-monogamy and of your individual relationship

Clear communication is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship, but it is especially important when you’re aiming to open up a relationship or fundamentally change its structure. By talking candidly about why you have the desire for a particular version of non-monogamy or a monogamish relationship with a partner, you also have the chance to address the what-ifs, which can help quell fears that arise naturally because of what is still unknown.

Here are a few questions that my husband and I considered when we discussed opening our relationship:

  • What sides of non-monogamy interested me? And why?
  • Was he interested in a monogamish relationship? If so, why?
  • What were our biggest fears when it came to embracing non-monogamy?
  • What role would each of us play?
  • What boundaries needed to be established?

In figuring out how you and a partner could both stand to benefit from non-monogamy, it’s equally important to reiterate what you value in the relationship you share with each other, according to sex and intimacy coach Rebekah Beneteau. “Maybe you two nest and co-parent really well together, but sexually you’re both dominant,” she says. “You may then want to get that need met somewhere else, while still recognizing that you have these other terrific connection points.”

The clear recognition that your current monogamous relationship has real value can help mitigate some of the natural fear and jealousy that can come with inviting others into the fold.

2. Define how you’ll each continue to be included in each other’s pleasure

When my husband and I were first embracing non-monogamy, I felt jealousy at the realization that I would no longer be the singular or even primary source of his sexual pleasure.

Beneteau defines this type of jealousy with an equation: turn-on + exclusion. “You don’t get jealous if your husband is doing their taxes with someone else,” she says, of exclusion without the turn-on.

Because our version of non-monogamy would involve sex acts with others, the antidote to jealousy was in figuring out how we could reduce feelings of exclusion and continue to be included in each other’s pleasure, both sexually and otherwise. This involved adopting the fundamental understanding that love and sex aren’t innately or always connected, and setting clear boundaries around our sexual relationships with others, so each of us felt included in those decisions.

3. Use self-reflection to examine the true source of your fears around non-monogamy

Typically, pain and fear are survival mechanisms that spring from perceived threat. The important thing to note, though, is that many of our perceptions of threat in relationships aren’t rooted in actual danger so much as they are in societal conditioning around monogamy—that “real” love is monogamous love, that we should search for “the one,” or that we should be able to have all our needs met by one person.

Many of our perceptions of threat in relationships aren’t rooted in actual danger so much as they are in societal conditioning around monogamy.

By taking “an intellectual look at the fears we feel [surrounding non-monogamy],” or following them with an objective lens, we can determine whether they’re actually true to us or are just stemming from the monogamous narratives that have been imparted onto us (and no longer serve us), says sociologist and relationship consultant Elisabeth “Eli” Scheff, PhD.

To do that, try implementing a self-reflection practice, such as journaling, to track your fears to their cores, and decide whether or not they have real merit. Understanding that the root of my fears around non-monogamy was in the societal narratives I once harbored has helped liberate me from those stories—and it could do the same for you.

4. Take small steps toward non-monogamy

Trial and error can feel intimidating when it comes to transitioning a monogamous relationship into a non-monogamous one—which is why gradual steps are key to success. Here are a few exercises from my personal tool kit to help you test the waters when you’re managing feelings of fear and jealousy:

  1. People-watch with your partner with the intention of sharing whom you find attractive.
  2. Have an ethical porn date during which you watch porn and play together or separately (be it in different rooms or through mutual masturbation).
  3. Explore online dating apps, either as a couple or separately. Start by chatting only, increasing engagement as you both see fit.

These items are meant to be entry-level actions you can take, with low emotional risk, to gauge how each of you feel when your partner is thinking about or engaging with someone else. The point is to communicate at every stage what works and what doesn’t so you can either continue forward or recalibrate accordingly. This way, you don’t risk accidentally pushing things too far too quickly in a way that leaves one or both partners feeling hurt.

5. Remember that *you* are always your primary partner

Being your own primary partner means “you are not willing to lose yourself for the sake of any relationship, and that anybody coming into your space just has the power to enhance it and bring something juicy, new, and fun,” says Beneteau.

What I love about this concept is that it shifts the focus from feelings of fear and potential inadequacy to individual empowerment.

The structure of your relationship has less to do with the success of it than the quality of the relationship itself.

When my husband and I transitioned from monogamous to monogamish, I navigated some frustration. I could feel that this was the right path for me, and yet, I was terrified of the consequences. What I learned, however, is what you bring to a relationship—trust, honesty, communication, love, respect—will best determine the longevity of that partnership and how satisfied you are within it (not whether it’s monogamous or non-monogamous or somewhere in-between).

As a result, it’s especially important to tend to your relationship with yourself if you find that you’re facing fear and jealousy in the pursuit of non-monogamy. “The relationship you have with yourself is foundational in how you move through the world,” says Beneteau.

One way to strengthen that relationship to self is to set your own pleasure as your compass. By reflecting on your desires for non-monogamy and following the path that you believe will bring you the most pleasure—even in the face of your fears—you’ll move toward your authentic self and a more fulfilling relationship, too. The journey will likely involve ample communication and trial-and-error, but remembering that it’s ultimately all in the name of your pleasure can help mitigate emotional setbacks and make it that much more rewarding in the end.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

From scheduling sex to being selfish

— 10 ways to improve intimacy

By

1. Talk about any problems

Things seem to work well without really thinking about it. Then, when it starts going wrong, you don’t quite know how to talk about it, so the situation gets to a point where you’re stuck and you don’t know how to deal with it. The first stage in addressing this is for each person to spend a couple of days thinking about what they see the problem is, and then agreeing to sit down together for a discussion. Take turns saying: “This is what I think the problem is, and this is how it is affecting me.” Out of this comes the opportunity to really get to the heart of the matter and work out what is needed.

2. Look for the reasons why sex might have changed

How did sex use to be? What was intimacy like? What has changed? What are the blocks to sorting it out? There may have been occasions when you might not have wanted to be sexual or you might not have been in the mood, and that got misinterpreted, or there were a few times when you got rejected. And then you get into a pattern of not having sex or avoiding it.

3. Talk about how you first met. And make an effort to look nice

Spend an evening chatting about what you liked about the other person. You can remind each other of what drew you both together. Do that on the first night, then on the next night, dress up, go out for a meal and make an effort to feel and look special. What you’re likely to find is that you’re feeling much more connected and that can lead to noticing desire, feeling sexual, and you can reignite something that has perhaps been lost for a while.

4. Every time you leave the house (and come back) make a point of having a kiss or a cuddle

There is no intention that it is going to lead to sex, you just get used to the idea you can reclaim intimacy. Make a point of saying, “I like what you’re wearing”, send texts to each other throughout the day saying “missing you” and “look forward to seeing you”. In this way you’re recreating some of the behaviours you probably did at the beginning of your relationship and you are giving the message, “I’m noticing you and I like you”, so that the sense of feeling closer to the other person, the emotional intimacy, starts creeping back in.

5. Schedule regular time to be intimate

This is making a commitment to maintaining the relationship by saying: even though sometimes we don’t feel like it, we realise the importance of this and will try to be sexual. It is about not letting gaps appear so then it starts becoming more normal to not have sex. What your scheduling says is that Friday nights are your night, you’ll put some effort into making it special and this can lead to greater intimacy. Perhaps this means having a shower together, or maybe dressing up – above all it is about making a statement that your physical relationship is important, and you are prepared to put in the groundwork, instead of saying it is just about sex.

6. Write down on pieces of paper what really works for you both

Then fold them up and put all of the bits of paper in a jar. I encourage couples to sit down and work out some of the things that each person particularly likes when they are being sexual. Then, whenever you’re going to have some intimate time, pull out a piece of paper and whatever’s there, you’ve got the chance to try. It enables an element of fun and excitement to return into the relationship which can be helpful to maintain the spark.

7. If there is a high level of anxiety attached to sex, introduce mindfulness

I always suggest pelvic floor exercises, because this makes you focus on your genitals, so you become much more tuned into your body. For a man, this can increase the quality of his erection and the chances of more ejaculatory control. For a woman, it is likely to help her to regain a bit more feeling within the vaginal walls and it might help towards arousal.

8. For older couples, slow everything right down

Try having a bath together, so you feel good and in tune with each other. Pay more attention to what position feels comfortable. If there are issues of mobility and flexibility it can be useful to try out positions first. You might want to do this while you’re still dressed when it can feel easier (and warmer).

9. Take turns to be selfish

Say, “I’d really like it if you could give me a back rub”, or “I just really want the opportunity to touch you”. I often suggest couples go to bed and have a period of time when you’re both naked without needing to be sexual. Just lying next to each other, feeling the other person’s skin on your skin can be a very intimate and nourishing moment.

10. Rediscover how to be intimate with each other

There are many reasons why intimacy can change in a relationship. Pregnancy and birth, ageing, body shape, resentment, arguments not being resolved, anxiety, the menopause, erectile problems … It is important to understand why you’ve reached the point where things are dysfunctional, but it is always possible to make changes. I’ve worked with couples who haven’t had sex in six years and it has been a privilege to help them rediscover how to be intimate with each other.

Peter Saddington is a clinical supervisor and a relationship and sex therapist working for Relate.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

How To Reclaim Your Sexuality After Sexual Assault

— According to Trauma-Informed Sex Educators Who Are Also Survivors

By Erica Sloan

If you think of the body like a circuit system, “sexual trauma has a way of rewiring things,” says trauma-informed sex educator Jimanekia Eborn, founder of Tending the Garden, a support organization for marginalized sexual-assault survivors that offers a quarterly subscription care package. In the aftermath of endured sexual trauma, things that once sparked pleasure or arousal, like a certain kind of touch or even the words of a loved one, might instead trigger pain, setting off a negative chain reaction circuit-wide, says Eborn. Rebuilding that circuit—not necessarily into what it was, but into a version that lights up just as brightly—can help survivors reclaim their sexuality after assault.

The circuit metaphor is particularly apt for describing the effects of sexual assault because of the ways in which the trauma can infiltrate your whole system. “It isn’t just something that happened to our bodies; it isn’t just something that happened to our brains,” says Eborn. “It is all-encompassing.”

“It’s not that you’re broken, but you have to navigate yourself in a new way.” —Jimanekia Eborn, trauma-informed sex educator

That reality can make it easy to feel like you’re broken. But the switchboard isn’t dead; it’s more accurate to say it needs some reconfiguring. “Sometimes, I have days where my body feels very disconnected from me, or I feel like I’m existing at an angle,” says Eborn, of healing from her own sexual trauma. “It’s not that you’re broken, but you have to navigate yourself in a new way.”

What that path looks like will be different for every survivor, says somatic coach and restorative-justice advocate Marlee Liss. “There’s no one-size-fits-all roadmap to reclaiming your sexuality and pleasure after assault, and it isn’t a linear process either,” she says, “but I think realizing that is a really big part of the healing.”

How sexual trauma can disconnect you from the experience of pleasure and your own sexuality

Though the body can respond to trauma in a number of ways, any response is “an attempt at protecting you and helping you to feel safe,” says Liss. (And it’s helpful to see it through that lens in order to find some self-compassion if your body’s response isn’t what you’d like it to be.)

In terms of a person’s relationship to sexuality, two opposite responses are the most common, says Liss: hyposexuality and hypersexuality. The former is an aversion or fear of sex that typically looks like shutting down desires, rejecting sexual feelings, or numbing out in sexual circumstances “often so that you can feel a greater sense of control over your body and your decisions,” says Liss. It’s the body’s way of compensating for a loss of that control in the past.

The latter, however, is a compulsion toward sex, when “someone hyper-sexualizes themselves more than their typical amount, perhaps because they’ve internalized sexual objectification that’s been imposed upon them or because they’re trying to deny or minimize the reality of the trauma they’ve experienced,” says Liss.

This hypersexualization response may make it seem, on the surface, as if the person has fully learned how to reclaim their sexuality after assault when, in reality, they’re sexualizing themselves purely as a result of trauma, and not because they’re in tune with their body or seeking pleasure.

It’s also possible for sexuality to ebb and flow post-trauma. “Perhaps, one day, all the switches on your circuit are off, and you just want to stay in bed all day, and the next, they’re all on, and you’re craving a sexual experience,” says Eborn. “I think there’s so much shame and blame placed on both sides [of that spectrum] that people struggle figuring out where they fall. But in a healing journey, there’s room for all of it.”

The key to reconnecting with an honest expression of your sexuality after trauma is to be able to observe the way your body responds to different sensory inputs and then listen to its cues.

The key to reconnecting with an honest expression of your sexuality after trauma is to be able to observe the way your body responds to different sensory inputs and then listen to its cues. “Our bodies are constantly telling us in many different ways whether we’re feeling safe, whether we’re feeling unsafe,” says Liss. But when you go into a hyposexual or hypersexual state, or enter another kind of trauma response, it’s easy to miss those cues, she says.

Learning how to turn back toward your own body’s senses and sensations, notice them, and value your right to feel however you feel is the core process of sexual reclamation.

5 strategies that can help you learn how to reclaim your sexuality after assault

1. Release yourself from shame and blame

While it may seem obvious that the survivor of sexual assault is never to blame, the reality is that trauma can get twisted in retrospect.

“There’s a lot of shame that can come with experiencing sexual assault,” says Eborn. And when you consider that the brain is our biggest sex organ, it’s no wonder that holding onto all that shame can distance you from sexual pleasure. “If you’re constantly thinking, ‘This is my fault,’ or ‘I could’ve prevented this,’ it’ll be very difficult to reclaim your sexuality,” says Eborn.

Her advice? Remember that shame is a feeling put upon you by other people, other things, or other circumstances. “Instead of owning that shame as yours, think about it like, ‘This feeling is not mine, and it’s not of my creation,’” says Eborn. Yes, you have to deal with it now, she qualifies, but the important thing to remember is, you didn’t ask for or deserve this.

2. Take yourself on pleasure-focused “self dates”

It’s essential to carve out solo time on your calendar that’s designated just for your pleasure while you’re on the journey of learning how to reclaim your sexuality after assault. Eborn and Liss both call these pockets of time “self dates.” They can be any length of time—whether three minutes or 60, depending on what you can swing—and the only rule is that you use the time to feel good.

Notably, that means you’re not going into these self dates with a particular goal to accomplish or sexual act to achieve. “I think that there can be this kind of capitalist, productive approach to healing from sexual trauma that’s like, ‘I need to be okay again, and I need to be like I was with sexuality, and I need to get there by tomorrow,’” says Liss. “But that kind of pressure can lead us to cross our boundaries and just put ourselves in re-traumatizing places.”

Instead, the point of the self-dates is to focus purely on pleasure—and not necessarily orgasm or masturbation or even anything sexual at all. While you certainly can use the time for a solo sex session, you might also use it to take a hot bath, dance with reckless abandon, or savor a piece of pizza.

“Ask yourself, ‘What would bring me pleasure right now?’ or, ‘What would allow me to connect with 1 percent more pleasure right now?'” —Marlee Liss, somatic coach and sex educator

To figure out which route to go, Liss says to ask yourself the deceivingly simple (yet often overlooked) question, “What would bring me pleasure right now?” Or, if that feels too inaccessible, even just, “What would allow me to connect with 1 percent more pleasure, or peace, or comfort right now?”

This practice can help increase your awareness of your own body and senses, allowing you to practice self-consent, says Liss: You’re asking yourself what would feel good, and then you’re acting upon that, which is a beautiful reclamation of power over your physical being.

Indeed, allowing yourself to answer the question honestly is a reminder of an essential truth: “You know yourself better than anyone else does, no matter what anyone tells you or tries to talk you out of or talk you into,” says Eborn.

3. Reimagine the physical or mental context you’ve created around sex

Simple changes to your environment or approach to sexual pleasure can make a world of difference in how you perceive it in the wake of trauma.

On the physical side of things, consider how you might rid your space from as many triggers as possible, says Liss. Toss any objects that take you to an uncomfortable space, remove triggering songs from playlists, adjust anxiety-provoking lighting, and the like. And at the same time, consider how you might add glimmers—aka the opposite of triggers—into your physical space. Perhaps these safety cues include a particularly calming sound or smell, or a comforting blanket.

When it comes to the mental context you’ve constructed around sex, Eborn also suggests dropping preconceived notions and starting fresh by taking the Erotic Blueprint quiz, which sexologist Jaiya Ma created. The five categories it includes—energetic, sensual, sexual, kinky, and shapeshifter—each encompasses unique sexual turn-ons (for example, soft and wispy touch for the sensual people and something that feels personally taboo for the kinky people).

“By taking the quiz, you can see what might feel connected to get you back in your body,” says Eborn. That answer certainly may have changed as a result of experiencing trauma—and that’s not a bad thing so much as something important to notice. “It’s okay if you no longer want or feel comfortable doing that one thing that was once a turn-on,” says Eborn. “There’s so much body, there are so many ways to touch it, and sex is about far more than penetration.”

4. Redefine your sexual boundaries

Part of learning how to reclaim your sexuality after assault is identifying and honoring your own sexual limits. One way to do this is by creating a Yes/No/Maybe list, says Eborn. Just like it sounds, this involves categorizing any number of different sex acts, fantasies, toys, and positions as “Yes,” “No,” or “Maybe,” based on your interest (or lack thereof) in trying them.

This way, you have a reference—“a cheat sheet of sorts,” says Eborn—for what you enjoy, what you don’t, and what you’re open to exploring, which you can also share with a current or future sexual partner, if relevant. Though it might seem like TMI to share it, it’s important to remember that “most people actually want to know how to have sex with you, rather than guessing,” says Eborn.

You can also explore where your sexual boundaries fall during one of your pleasure-focused self dates, above. If you’re tuned into what feels pleasurable, you’ll also be able to better identify what doesn’t (or when something stops feeling good). “A key piece that’s easy to miss is that sometimes, the most liberating breakthrough is you being like, ‘That’s enough for today,’ and knowing where to draw a boundary,” says Liss. “That, in and of itself, can be an experience of pleasure.”

5. Know that sexual reclamation post-trauma isn’t all or nothing

In the headspace—and body-space—of healing from sexual trauma, accessing pleasure of any sort can sometimes feel like a stretch. Which is why, Liss says it’s important to remember that two things can be true: You can feel grief or sadness or pain or anger (or all of the above) about the experience of sexual assault, and you can also reclaim pleasure. “Different feelings can coexist,” says Liss, “and the journey to healing is really about allowing that coexistence to happen without denial.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

For cancer survivors, sexual intimacy can pose unexpected issues

— ‘I feel as if my body has betrayed me,’ one survivor says

Brenna Gatimu and her husband, Nimmo Kariuki, tend to their youngest son, Kylian, in Casper, Wyo. Gatimu was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer in 2020.

By Netana H. Markovitz

Brenna Gatimu, 34, of Casper, Wyo., was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer in 2020. She quickly had chemoradiation, and both her breasts and ovaries were removed. She now takes a medication that suppresses any remaining estrogen in her body.

“I feel as if my body has betrayed me, like all the things that make me biologically a woman — the estrogen, the progesterone, my ovaries and my breasts — everything had to be removed and stopped,” Gatimu said.

Gatimu’s experience is not uncommon. As cancer survival rates in the United States improve, many survivors are left with permanent changes to their body — outwardly and functionally. Some feel particularly unprepared for persistent changes in their sexual functioning.

“Sexuality is a very big issue, and unfortunately, the avenues to get help are often limited because people are concentrating on helping [patients] live through cancer, and really concentrating on quality of life but devoid of sexuality,” said Don Dizon, a professor of medicine and surgery at Brown University and the founder of the Sexual Health First Responders Clinic at the Lifespan Cancer Institute.

Sexual health and quality of life

In 2022, approximately 18 million people with a history of cancer were living in the United States. The number is expected to increase over time.

“As people live long lives after cancer … these questions on the permanent, long-term side effects of treatment are something we have to address,” said Sharon Bober, founding director of the sexual health program at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute and an associate psychiatry professor at Harvard Medical School.

“I feel as if my body has betrayed me, like all the things that make me biologically a woman — the estrogen, the progesterone, my ovaries and my breasts — everything had to be removed and stopped,” Gatimu says.

“We are looking not just at what people do functionally, but we’re also thinking about people’s experiences of themselves being whole, having a sense of integrity in their body — even after things change,” Bober said. “We’re talking about an experience of how people relate to a partner, we’re talking about dating, we’re talking about emotional and sexual relationships that undergo changes themselves.”

“We’re also thinking about people’s experiences of themselves being whole, having a sense of integrity in their body — even after things change.” — Sharon Bober, founding director of the sexual health program at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute

Some cancer centers have created programs dedicated exclusively to sexual health for patients with cancer — such as Massachusetts General Hospital and Memorial Sloan Kettering in Manhattan. These centers are still relatively rare, but their numbers are increasing.

Those without access to a comprehensive center should consider seeking out “specific practitioners who have relevant expertise, such as certified menopause specialists, urologists or urogynecologists who specialize in sexual medicine, pelvic floor physical therapists or certified sex therapists in the community,” Bober said in an email.

Gatimu holds some of the medications she takes while Kylian asks if he can have the pills, too.
A family portrait on Gatimu’s wall shows husband Nimmo Kariuki, stepdaughter Paisley Grundhoffer, and sons Malcolm, James and Kylian. The family had the photo taken the day Gatimu completed chemotherapy.

Patients can also access a growing body of information.

“There are really more resources now than there ever have been and there are a lot of organizations that now have really good information and education on their websites,” Bober said. “I would just say people should feel free to access the growing amount of supports that are out there. And that’s the case both for patients and providers.”

For example, the Scientific Network on Female Sexual Health and Cancer has a host of resources, including webinars, a page with links to several online resources and a “find a provider” page to search for help by location. The American Cancer Society also has a fairly comprehensive overview of navigating sex and cancer.

Jacob Lowy in his living room in New York.

Even before intimate encounters, body image can be an issue. Jacob Lowy, 31, a fourth-year medical student at the University of Michigan, was diagnosed with metastatic sarcoma in 2021. Since then, he has had to deal with dating.

“It definitely messed with my psyche a lot to talk to people because it feels like you’re hiding something at first,” Lowy said. “But there’s no real advice for how to do it properly.”

Besides fatigue and surgical complications from his two abdominal surgeries, he has experienced decreased libido and erectile dysfunction.

“I went from feeling … invincible and very strong to my body feels like a wreck on the inside,” Lowy said.

Physicians often don’t discuss sexuality with patients for many reasons, Dizon said. “Partly it’s because I don’t think oncologists are trained in talking about sexuality,” he said.

Lowy spends time with friends on the Lower East Side in New York on March 4.

When sexuality is discussed, much of the talk often focuses on what’s safe — for example, when it is safe to have sex during chemotherapy. Bober said “potential sexual side effects and sexual rehabilitation really is not routinely incorporated into care. So a lot of people struggle on the other side of treatment and feel pretty isolated.”

“I went from feeling … invincible and very strong to my body feels like a wreck on the inside.” — Jacob Lowy

But when the topic is broached, doctors often have treatment recommendations.

Sarah E.A. Tevis, an assistant professor of surgery at the University of Colorado, recently started asking her patients about sex after a patient questionnaire she distributed flagged the issue.

“This wasn’t a common thing I talked to all of my patients about, and ever since I’ve started bringing it up, I feel like almost every single patient I talk to is having some problem that we can probably help with,” Tevis said.

Ask for help or a referral

Even if your oncologist does not know how to help, someone is probably out there who can.

“This is something that people should be empowered about — that as with other aspects of our health, if you’re having issues, give it voice, ask for specific assistance,” Dizon said. “And if your doctor doesn’t know or doesn’t want to discuss it, then ask for a referral.”

For Gatimu, she has done her best to adapt to a new normal but still struggles.

Since treatment, she has experienced vaginal dryness, difficulty achieving orgasm and lack of libido. She also has no sensation in her reconstructed breasts. Gatimu has sought advice through a combination of doctors and friends who are cancer survivors.

Gatimu helps Kylian wake up to get ready for day care on March 1.
Gatimu’s son Malcolm walks past a photo wall his mom and dad put together of past family moments, photos and sayings as he gets ready for school on March 1.

“I still have times where I really struggle with the comparison or the wishful thinking of ‘Oh my gosh, if only this didn’t happen and I didn’t have to live through this, where would [I] be?’ On the positive side, I have gained such a self-awareness and such a self-confidence within myself,” Gatimu said.

One 44-year-old man who was diagnosed with Stage 3 rectal cancer in 2018 underwent chemotherapy and radiation before having surgery that resulted in an ostomy pouch, a bag that collects stool outside the body.

“It’s tough for me not to view my body as … broken,” said the man, who asked not to be named for privacy reasons.

For him, sex with his partner now involves going to the bathroom to empty out the ostomy pouch and ensuring that it is as flat as possible so it does not get in the way. He also takes Viagra for the erectile dysfunction he has had since treatment.

A photo of Gatimu and Kariuki attending an adult prom in Casper, Wyo., that raises money for childhood cancer research.

“I am very fortunate that I have a loving partner who loves me for who I am and we’ve adjusted, but now sex is really tough to have spontaneously,” said the man, who lives in Chapel Hill, N.C.

A common misconception is that only certain cancers affect sex.

“We tend to think of sexual health as an issue [only] for people treated for sex-related cancer,” Dizon said. “But that’s actually not true. There’s a growing literature that even people treated for, say, colon cancer and lung cancer — they actually have issues related to sexuality.”

He points out, for example, that chemotherapy itself can affect the vaginal mucosa, which can cause pain with sex.

Unfortunately, many cancer patients feel alone in their struggles.

No one mentioned sexuality to the Chapel Hill resident, except for a brief, awkward conversation with his radiation oncologist regarding the possibility of infertility after treatment.

“People often will equate sexuality and fertility, but those are very different conversations,” Dizon said.

Lowy organizes his pills for the week.

“Their goal is to save a life.” the Chapel Hill resident said. “And they were very good at doing that. I willingly put my life in their hands, but sex was an afterthought.”

Once he got the courage to broach the subject, he was prescribed Viagra, which has been working well.

“I think the biggest advice I would give is, do not be afraid to ask questions,” he said. “If something isn’t right, talk to the doctors about it.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

‘When people can talk about sex, they flourish’

— The rise of sexual wellness

Advice on sex is available on myriad apps, sex toys are for sale on the high street, and the science of sexual fufilment is blossoming. Will this focus on sexual wellbeing have the desired effect?

By

Tina was 52 when her long-term relationship ended. She had experienced low libido throughout her perimenopause years, and her relationship had become “pretty much sexless by the end”, so reigniting her sex life felt like a daunting prospect.

But rather than closing the book on her sexuality, Tina turned to a sexual wellness app called Dipsea, and began listening to erotic stories, as well as learning about different self-pleasure and communication techniques.

“I’ve never hugely enjoyed visual pornography and this sounded like something different and worth trying out,” she says. “The app enabled me to explore my sexual wants and fantasies as well as use some of the wellness-focused content, which helped me to feel more confident when dating and navigating having sex again.”

She’s not alone. As attitudes to sex have liberalised, and people increasingly strive for greater physical, mental and social wellbeing, a growing industry in sexual wellness has sprung up. Whereas sex toys only used to be available from sex shops or porn magazines, they can now be bought from high street chemists. Subscription-based apps and websites are offering erotic content alongside relaxation exercises and relationship advice from trained sex counsellors. Sex is no longer taboo, but an integral part of our general wellbeing. But while investors in this industry may have hit the financial G-spot, what does it mean for the rest of us?

Precisely who conceived the term “sexual wellness” is hazy, but the actor Gwyneth Paltrow is credited with catapulting it into the mainstream. In 2015, her lifestyle website Goop.com recommended that women steam-clean their vaginas for extra energy and to rebalance female hormones. Since then, Goop has sparked debates about the pros and cons of jade vaginal eggs, an “aphrodisiac warming potion” called Sex Dust – not to mention the infamous “This Smells Like My Vagina” candle.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop has been credited with initiating the sexual wellness trend – but claims made about the benefits of some of the expensive products it sells lack evidence.

“With the launch of things like Goop, there’s been a much broader, holistic sort of view on what sexual wellness means, and how it can benefit you to be a happier, more confident and satisfied human being,” says Mei-lin Rawlinson, chief of staff at OMGYes, an educational website about female pleasure.

Around the same time Paltrow was preaching the benefits of vaginal purification, OMGYes’s founders were setting out on a mission to use science to help crack a similar nut. Sparked by conversations between friends about how women like to be touched, they realised there was a dearth of academic research on the subject, and little vocabulary for the specific things women find pleasurable.

They partnered with sex researchers to conduct in-depth interviews with more than 3,000 women from across the US, using these insights to develop a trove of educational videos, infographics and how-to’s, designed to educate fee-paying members on how to access greater sexual pleasure.

“Sex is such a core part of life for many people, but it is also a really vulnerable, charged area of life, with lots of taboo. We think that if people can talk about it, learn more about it, learn more about themselves, they can flourish so much more,” Rawlinson says.

In the coronavirus lockdowns, sales of adult toys increased by 25%. Superdrug’s website promotes sex toys with the line: ‘Masturbation is self-celebration’.

Launched in 2015, OMGYes was one of the first sexual wellness platforms, and it now has more than a million users. Research conducted by the platform, in collaboration with Devon Hensel, a professor of sociology and paediatrics at Indiana University, suggests that the benefits of membership aren’t just physical.

They gave 870 women access to the website, and asked them to complete pre- and post-questionnaires to assess their sex-based knowledge and communication skills.

The research, published in the Journal of Sex Research, found that after a month, women reported they had developed a wider repertoire of ways to talk about what they liked sexually and that they felt more positive and confident about understanding what felt good. “These are skills not only important for sex, but also in the context of women’s everyday lives,” Hensel says. Indeed, some of the women also reported an increase in overall agency – such as voicing their thoughts or ideas at work – as a result of this training.

It’s not only educational platforms that are growing in popularity. The global sexual wellness devices market – industry speak for sex toys – was estimated to be worth $19bn in 2021.

With everybody stuck at home due to Covid restrictions, this market experienced a boost. During the first two weeks of UK lockdown alone, orders for adult toys reportedly increased by 25%. But while sales of other consumer categories, such as cycling products, that experienced a “Covid boost” have since fallen back, the sexual wellness market continues to experience accelerated growth.

“I think that’s a good data point to suggest that it is earlier in its life stage. There is more to go for in terms of the number of people who buy these products, and the number of products any one person uses,” says Jacqueline Windsor, UK retail leader for PwC.

She recently co-authored a report on the sexual wellness devices market, and believes several factors may be at play. Interest in general wellness has increased over the past decade, and sexual health and wellbeing are increasingly viewed as central to this. Attitudes to sex are also liberalising, and there has been a shift in sex-toy design away from explicit brands, and towards more discreet and ergonomic models primarily targeting women and couples.

“Commercially, it’s big business, but I think it makes a big statement when we see sex toys and pleasure products on high-street shelves like those in Boots and Selfridges,” says Kate Moyle, a psychosexual therapist and host of the Sexual Wellness Sessions podcast. “It makes the statement that sexual wellbeing should be there, and shouldn’t be taboo or hidden away, and this can have a huge forward impact on how we think and talk about sex, helping us to break away from its links to shame.”

Pleasure isn’t the only benefit: doctors are increasingly recommending vibrator use as a way of treating and preventing conditions such as vaginal dryness and atrophy. Some of these new generation products could go a step further and enhance scientific research into sexual health and orgasm.

Ergonomically designed, the Lioness vibrator is a modern iteration of the classic “rabbit” toy. What really sets it apart though, is the incorporation of sensors to measure pelvic floor movements, such as the rhythmic contractions that accompany orgasm. Paired with an app, this allows users – and (with users’ consent) sex researchers – to better understand how sexual function is affected by factors such as caffeine, alcohol, childbirth, menopause, or medical conditions such as concussion.

“I always tell people that knowledge is pleasure,” says Anna Lee, co-founder and head of engineering at Lioness. “It’s an empowering tool to be curious about your body, and to learn about things that might be changing our pleasure or sexual wellness.”

But the plugging of sexual wellness could also have some pitfalls. Lee worries about the potential for misinformation in the marketing of certain products, and their promotion by social media influencers. For instance, in 2018, Goop was forced to pay $145,000 in civil penalties for making the unsubstantiated claim that jade love eggs were used by women in ancient China to increase sexual energy and pleasure.

“Jade is a porous material that you should never insert [into] your body, and there’s no evidence to indicate that this technique was ever used in ancient China,” Lee says. “We have to be so mindful of how we create this information that so many people are desperately seeking – because they will grab on to anything, it is such a hard topic to talk about.”

Also, whereas novelty and exploration can be a turn-on for some people, for others, it can have the opposite effect. “Some people are much more comfortable with what’s familiar,” says Emily Nagoski, a sex educator and the author of Come As You Are.

Another risk is that the focus on sexual wellness mounts pressure on people to do things they don’t want to do. “Everywhere you look, whether it’s on social media, telly, movies, the emphasis seems to be on the importance of sex – everyone’s having great sex, and if you’re not having great sex there’s a problem,” says Ammanda Major, head of clinical practice at Relate and a trained relationship counsellor and sex therapist.

“Sex toys historically, and some of the new apps, are kind of promoting the idea that you should be having amazing sex. You should be having an orgasm. But having worked with clients for 25-30 years, what they are often asking for is they just need [the sex] to be good enough.”

What these clients are really seeking, Major explains, is intimacy: the emotional closeness and trust that ideally accompanies sex. “A lot of these apps and products focus on the physical stuff, as opposed to what sexual intimacy means for individuals. I think we sometimes put a lot of pressure on people to be sexual, when actually sex isn’t that important to them.”

In other cases, couples genuinely want to have more sex, but struggle to find the time and motivation to achieve this. Here, technology could help. In early 2022, Mark (not his real name) and his partner began using an app called Intimacy to track their sex life – logging both the number of encounters and their orgasm count. “We had reservations, but set ourselves a target of having sex 104 times in the year – or twice a week,” Mark says. “Rather than putting pressure on ourselves, and recognising it won’t be for everyone, we revelled in the experience – we are obviously both target-oriented.

“We rapidly found ourselves ahead of our target, and reset it to 2.5 times a week, or 130 times in the year – and we ended on 134. We had a good sex life before, but this gave us the motivation to be more intimate.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

1 in 4 Americans Are Disabled and They Deserve Intimate Relationships

— We should not only include but celebrate people with disabilities in conversations about sex.

By Kelly Kling

The Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) defines a person with a disability as someone “who has a physical or mental impairment that substantially limits one or more major life activities, a person who has a history or record of such an impairment, or a person who is perceived by others as having such an impairment.”

As many as 1 in 4 people in the United States have a disability, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates. The most common type of disability in the U.S. is mobility, affecting as many as 1 in 7 adults. However, disabilities can have a physical or mental component, and given these statistics, it’s likely you or someone you know lives with a disability.

It’s no secret our society has a habit of branding health and wellness issues as matters of personal choice, and some people make healthier choices than others. However, in most cases, there are no “personal choices” a disabled person can make to not be disabled.

Optimal health looks different for everybody. For instance, we could all do the same exercises and eat the same foods, but we’d still have different bodies. Like health, sex and intimacy look different for everybody.

It’s a common misconception that people with disabilities are unable to have fulfilling and satisfying sex lives. But they desire and deserve the same intimate experiences of life that able-bodied individuals enjoy.

“Because of the lack of representation in the media, there is a lot of ableism that still pervades our culture,” explained Megwyn White, a clinical sexologist in New York City and the director of education at Satisfyer, a sexual wellness brand. “Many people assume that all disabled people have limited mobility or lack sexual desire, which is not true. These assumptions can lead to a lack of understanding and empathy toward challenges that disabled people face when it comes to sex.”

There is no singular way to engage in intimacy, despite the limited views we frequently see in the media and pop culture. Let’s look at some of the ways people with disabilities can enjoy intimate activities and how we can encourage cultural shifts to include them in our picture of intimacy.

It all comes down to communication

It’s true for all intimate relationships: Communication and ongoing, enthusiastic consent is the name of the game. People with disabilities may experience sex and intimacy differently than what is considered “normal,” so they may face a more difficult time opening up about their sexual experiences and desires.

“Often, couples who are outside what the ‘standard’ healthy couple looks like have a difficult time opening up about their experiences because they can feel uncomfortable, or perhaps even embarrassed, being outside of ‘the norm,'” White said. “In reality, there isn’t a ‘norm’ when it comes to a healthy and sexually active couple, as this completely varies from all aspects, such as gender, abilities, sexuality, etcetera. The best way to mitigate this internal conflict among couples is to encourage open and honest communication.”

Clarisse Quirit Rella, a product testing and affiliate manager, writer and contributor at Women’s Health Interactive, a nontraditional occupational therapist and a recreational therapist in Queens, New York, agreed that open communication is paramount when exploring intimacy while living with a disability.

“Let your partner know what you can and cannot do, what you like and do not like, what you are curious to try and not try, what is comfortable for you and uncomfortable,” she advised.

Additionally, everyone should take note that sex isn’t solely penis-in-vagina (PIV) penetration. Whatever sexual acts you’re capable of and enjoy “count” as sex, and it’s important society adopts this belief so disabled people, who may not be capable of PIV, can be included in the conversation.

“People can have sex in different ways, many of which may be unfamiliar to us and some ways that people might not even consider when it comes to mainstream ideas of what sexuality is,” Quirit Rella said.

It’s time to get creative

We’ve established that sex can include all kinds of activities outside of what we’ve learned from social conditioning. Since everyone’s not capable of penetrative sex, it’s important to consider other sources of pleasure. Thankfully, various inventions of modern pleasure science have been created with all levels of ability in mind.

“One of the methods that have a track record of working for the disabled community is using sexual wellness products,” White said. “Sexual wellness products radically expand the possibilities of sexual play and can be used to assist in facets of arousal such as blood flow and targeted stimulation. There are so many benefits of trying sexual wellness devices as it creates more opportunity for pleasure, given the various shapes and designs of each product.”

Sex toys are a great option to explore at any level of physical ability and can help people with (and without) disabilities achieve sexual satisfaction. Additionally, the use of other assistive devices, such as pillows, can make some sexual acts more comfortable for people with certain physical limitations.

“I always like to recommend adaptive equipment that can be used to enhance their sex life and sexual pleasure, such as using pillows and wedges, to name a few,” Quirit Rella said. “Pillows can be placed under the legs and stomach area as well as behind the back. These offer stability and comfort to different areas of the body. Wedges also offer support, but with a firmer feel depending on the body positioning.”

She also recommended roleplaying to help couples focus on their personal needs, abilities and strengths, and to create a fun atmosphere for experimentation.

“Roleplaying is also key and can help set the mood for an interabled couple,” Quirit Rella explained. “Use your strengths, abilities and interests to enhance the sexual experience. Create the ambience and always communicate with each other. Redefine what sex means to you and build up that self-esteem, self-worth and confidence.”

Celebrating our differences

Ableism is very prevalent in many aspects of life, which means able-bodied individuals are still often viewed as the “default” body type. We witness this every time we enter a building that has only stairs or a parking lot with one handicapped spot, or we start a new job and find they don’t allow for mental health days.

A lack of understanding and empathy toward disabilities can take an emotional toll, too. Since it’s very likely we all love someone, or are someone, with a disability, it’s important we make a conscious effort to shift our thinking about disability in general.

“It’s very important to consider the emotional challenges that can come along with disability, including issues related with self-esteem, body image or societal stigmas,” White noted. “Creating a space of nonjudgment where it’s OK to express concerns or challenges is vital for sexual health and well-being.”

When thinking about intimacy and disability, it’s crucial that we don’t focus solely on what a disabled person can physically bring to the table. A disabled person’s strength to be vulnerable about their own limitations is worth celebrating in itself. If we shift our thinking to view sex as a pleasurable bonding experience between humans no matter what it looks like, we can better appreciate what humans of all ability levels have to offer.

“People with disabilities have real sexual identities, needs and desires,” Quirit Rella said. “The beautiful part is not focusing solely on the physical aspect of sex, but instead, the intimacy felt during a whole mind-body experience with a partner or with yourself.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

A beginner’s guide to being a ‘brat’ in BDSM

— If you like disobeying daddy, this one’s for you.

By Gigi Engle

Make me.

This is the trademark saying for brats. A “brat” is a delightfully disobedient sub within the Dom/sub dynamic in BDSM. “Brats enjoy questioning dominance, as well as like for dominance to be proven to them,” says Emerson Karsh(opens in a new tab), a kink educator.

Why would you want to be a brat during sex? Why wouldn’t you? Being cheeky, disobedient, and naughty is fun. It creates a sense of playfulness that is often missing in sex. Being a brat is a very fun way to engage with your submissive side, without being a stereotypical sub. Brats are mouthy, badly behaved, and keen on punishment.

In BDSM, not all submissions look the same. Playing with power dynamics gets very creative in the kink world. “Brats get great enjoyment from playing [a game of] cat and mouse, defying authority, and in turn receiving a ‘punishment’ from their Brat Tamer,” explains Julieta Chiaramonte(opens in a new tab), a kink instructor and sex expert.

If you’re turned on by disobedience, this might be something you want to explore.

Let’s break down what it means to be a brat in BDSM, how you can approach it safely and consensually, and some tips to get you started on your merry way.

What it means to be a ‘brat.’

The brat is a very fun, quite cheeky submissive persona. It’s a submissive with a twist, Chiaramonte says.

A brat intentionally misbehaves in order to get a rise out of their Dom, often eliciting “punishments.” The brat enjoys driving the Dom a bit mad with their naughtiness. It’s all centered around defying authority, which can be very hot.

This all happens with enthusiastic consent. Everyone is on board.

The brat “may taunt, push boundaries, and really test their partners’ limits in hope of causing a reaction,” Chiaramonte explains. “This is very playful, and can be adjusted to your needs.” This all happens with enthusiastic consent. Everyone is on board. We’ll get into the nitty gritty of consent a bit later.

You might be asking how this is submission because, well, you’re being quite the brat. Karsh tells us that “brats express their submission in a way that is amusing, consensual, and done for a reaction.” You’re not being obedient in the classic Dom/sub way, but the brat will submit when their Dom decides to punish them.

The Dom is the ‘brat tamer.’

The brat tamer? You guessed it: This is the Dominant partner. They may choose to go by a different name (like sir, daddy, mommy, etc.), but the brat tamer is their style of Domination.

“Their ‘role’ is to put their brat in their place, remind them of the rules, and enforce punishments/order that they have created together,” Chiaramonte explains. “This is an authority role, and a brat tamer must be comfortable with taking control and being taunted by their bratty partner.”

Dr. Lee Phillips(opens in a new tab), a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist, offers an example of the Brat/Brat Tamer dynamic in a scene: “In a role play, the sub (a brat) takes on the role of a subordinate to a moody boss. The ultimate goal is for the brat tamer to earn the brat’s respect because the brat enjoys pushing the brat tamer’s buttons by provoking them. In order to earn this respect, [the] Dom needs to tame or control the brat.”

This role is anything but soft, Karsh says. “A brat tamer is not afraid to put their foot down,” she says.

This role takes a lot of skill and development. Karsh continues, “A brat tamer is skilled in giving their brat space to be a brat and figuring out how to express and prove their dominance to their brat in response to their bratting — whether that be a punishment, orders, ignoring the behavior, or something else.”

Of course, all of this provoking and giving out punishments is 100 percent consensual in this dynamic.

How brats ‘act out’ (and how they get punished).

There is no clear-cut way to fully express the breadth of punishments and behaviors that can go into the brat dynamic, but we can certainly distill a few common examples.

Bratty dialogue.

Brats use “bratty” language with the explicit intention of provoking their Dom. Some common phrases include:

  • Make me.
  • That’s all?
  • You can do better than that.
  • You can’t make me.
  • Oh, yeah? What’s the worst that can happen?
  • Prove it.

Additionally, Philips says “a brat may act out by talking back to them by calling their tamer names, turning down a command, have a temper tantrum, ignore the tamer to provoke them, and speak when they are supposed to remain quiet.”

Bratty behavior.

Bratty behaviors run the gamut, but they’re usually done in a lighthearted, naughty way, Karsh explains. For example, if a Dom told the brat to “Come over here right now.” The brat might just sit down on the ground and refuse to move. Another example could be defying authority, Chiaramonte tells us. A brat tamer may tell their brat to be home at a certain time and the brat purposely comes back late. To be a brat is to be disobedient. And it’s all part of the fun.

Punishments for bratty little brats.

The ways a Dom can punish their brat are truly expansive. Punishments are negotiated before play takes place and everyone is always on the same page about what is on and off the table.

Some example of punishments:

  • Spankings.
  • Orgasm denial.
  • Forced silence.
  • Getting walked like a puppy.
  • Forced orgasm.
  • Bondage.
  • Tickling.
  • Being put in a cage.

How to engage in brat play in a safe way.

Do your research.

We can’t just jump into a role play without knowing what we’re doing. This can be a disaster. “Read articles and speak to others who are brats and submissives in your BDSM community,” Philips says. “If you are seeing a kink and BDSM-affirming therapist, they can help you explore BDSM as a part of your sexual identity or an aspect of sexual exploration.”

If you’re looking for a qualified therapist to help you explore this side of yourself, search for a kink-affirming therapist on the COSRT website(opens in a new tab). Be sure to check out their website and confirm that they are explicit about their work with kink.

Communication and consent.

If you want to have a good brat/Brat Tamer experience, you have to be on the same page as your partner. “Talk about your expectations, boundaries, limits, and what you hope to get out of this dynamic,” Chiaramonte says. “When you create this structure, you can play within the ‘lines’ and avoid unnecessary hiccups.”

Communication and consent are at the heart of positive BDSM dynamics. Scenes need to be thoroughly discussed so that everyone feels respected and taken care of. This takes a lot of trust.

“Talk to your Dom about your bratty interests first and discuss what the play will look like,” Philips says. “For example, will you be consenting to spanking if you misbehave? How hard do you want to be spanked for acting out? Do you want to be spanked over your tamer’s lap?”

Pick a safe word.

A safe word is a non-sexual word used in kink to denote that a boundary has been met. If you’re in a brat/Brat Tamer scene and something has crossed the line, you can invoke the safe word and stop the play. This gives you time to reconnect and figure out how you’d both like to move forward.

“All kink is a marathon, not a sprint.”

Go slowly.

This one truly cannot be emphasized enough. “All kink is a marathon, not a sprint,” Karsh says.

If you’re a brat beginner, you have to be willing to take your time and figure out what does and does not work for you. “Think and explore how brattiness will show up in your relationship. Being a brat can often come naturally [to some], so use that energy in exploring this in BDSM play.”

Don’t be afraid to get creative.

Your brat/Brat Tamer dynamic may grow and shift over time. Once you start getting comfortable in your role, you can test new and exciting ways to play with your brat side. “Don’t be afraid to get funky with it — your turn to do the dishes tonight? Have your partner find you drinking a glass of wine on the couch instead,” Chiaramonte says. As long as everyone is aware that this is role play, it’s all good.

BDSM is all about exploring different sides of yourself and having fun. If you want to embrace that bratty side of yours, go for it. There is no wrong way to play as long as everyone is having a good time.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

4 ways weed can impact your sex life and relationship

Consuming weed could lead to more satisfying orgasms, some small studies suggest.

By Julia Naftulin

  • Cannabis has the potential to boost a person’s sex life, small studies suggest.
  • Weed may lower anxiety and sexual shame and make for more satisfying orgasms.
  • Still, using weed could also lead to a partner being more critical in their relationships.

Weed is everywhere.

According to the CDC, an estimated 48.2 million people, about 18% of Americans, used weed at least once in 2019, the most recent year the government agency collected data on the matter.

Celebrities like Lady Gaga and Pete Davidson, fitness enthusiasts, and even mothers have recently spoken about how they use cannabis to calm down, find motivation, or relieve pain and nausea. Despite their positive anecdotal reports, some research suggests cannabis could have negative effects like increased anxiety and an increased risk of heart disease.

Cannabis use could potentially impact your sex life and relationship too, whether you’re a regular user or just enjoy indulging in a vape or edible before a date or intimate experience.

Some findings suggest weed can lead to more mind-blowing orgasms and increased feelings of intimacy during sex, while others suggest the substance could kill an erection or make someone more likely to act irritable in their relationships. Still, cannabis isn’t widely studied yet, so research is often inconclusive.

Boosting feelings of intimacy during sex

According to one small study of 41 non-straight men, cannabis could boost feelings of closeness during partnered sex.

For the study, published May 2020 in the journal Culture, Health & Sexuality, researchers interviewed men who were 15 to 30 years old about their experiences using cannabis before or during sexual encounters. Three of the men were transgender, 36 were cisgender, and the remainder didn’t identify with a particular gender.

Through interviews, researchers found that participants often reported that cannabis use lowered feelings of anxiety and shame during sex, particularly anal sex.

“I’m actually enjoying this for like the first time, solidly, like a nine out of ten [after taking the edible]! And then the next time I had sex without an edible, I was enjoying it as an eight out of ten. I’m like, ‘Huh?!’ So it changed something in me,” one the study participants said.

Stronger orgasms and better sex overall

Researchers in Spain found that using cannabis before sex could potentially lead to more satisfying orgasms compared to drinking alcohol before sex.

For the study, published in January 2022, researchers at the University of Almeria enlisted 89 male and 185 female volunteers who either used cannabis, alcohol, or neither in their personal lives.

Both male and female participants who used cannabis regularly were more likely to report better sexual function than those who didn’t use weed at all. When the researchers broke sexual function out into more specific categories of desire for sex, physical sexual arousal, and orgasms, they found cannabis users reported more arousal and better orgasms, but not more desire, than non-users.

A potential erection-killer

Though cannabis could act as a sexual aid, consuming too much could kill someone’s erection, according to Dr. Jordan Tishler, an internal medicine physician and the president of the Association of Cannabis Specialists,

He said that patients regularly ask him about how they can incorporate cannabis into their sex lives. Before treatment with him, they cite issues like difficulty with sex drive and arousal, pain on penetration, anxiety and PTSD, and difficulty achieving orgasm.

If you want to infuse weed into your sex life without losing your erection, it’s best to start with a small dose and see how your body reacts, said Tishler. Consider talking to your doctor about the best course of action before proceeding, he said.

Tishler suggests newbies start with 5 milligrams and choose a strain with between 15% and 20% THC. Any more could heighten your anxiety and ruin the experience, he said.

Less confrontational during fights, which could lead to unresolved conflict

When it comes to weed and relationships, a study published in June 2022 suggests it could make someone more irritable or avoidant during relationship conflicts.

To study this, researchers at Rutgers University interviewed 232 cannabis users and their partners who live together in Massachusetts, where recreational cannabis is legal. They asked them how often they use cannabis and how they felt about their overall commitment and satisfaction in their relationships. They also measured each participant’s resting heart rate and breaths per minute.

They also videotaped the couples while they discussed a relationship conflict for 10 minutes, then watched the videos back. They found that weed users were more likely than non-weed users to avoid disagreements or react to them negatively. When later questioned, cannabis users were also more likely to say they were satisfied with how they resolved the conflict than non-cannabis users.

“This suggests that users may be unaware, or perhaps unbothered by, negative relationship dynamics during and after conflict. This can be harmful to relationships in the long-run to have chronic, unresolved conflicts,” Salvatore told Insider.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Sex after menopause doesn’t need to hurt

— Comprehensive review offers roadmap for doctors to evaluate, treat overlooked condition

  • Between 13% and 84% of postmenopausal women experience vaginal pain during sex
  • Causes of pain other than vaginal dryness are often undiagnosed and untreated
  • Pain during sex can harm relationships, self-esteem and contribute to depression, anxiety
  • Safe, effective therapies exist but condition is rarely evaluated or treated

Between 13% and 84% of postmenopausal women experience dyspareunia—vaginal pain during sex—but the condition is rarely evaluated or treated despite the availability of safe and effective therapies. With life expectancy increasing and the functional health of older adults improving, the identification and treatment of painful penetrative sex represents a great unmet need.

A new Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine comprehensive review of medical studies involving painful sex in post-menopausal women provides a roadmap for doctors to evaluate and treat the typically overlooked condition.

It is the only comprehensive review of its kind because it examines multiple reasons for the condition beyond just vaginal dryness due to lack of estrogen, such as post-hysterectomy problems, arthritis, cancer treatments and more.

“Post-menopausal women shouldn’t accept painful sex as their new norm,” said Dr. Lauren Streicher, clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Feinberg. “Many women try over-the-counter lubricants but continue to have pain. They, and sometimes their health care professionals, are unaware that there are other, more effective treatments.

“In addition, women are increasingly treated by telemedicine and not examined. The cause of pain with penetration is assumed to be due to vaginal dryness when they may have another condition that has been undetected.”

The review was published last week in Menopause: The Journal of The North American Menopause Society.

Aside from the obvious negative aspects of enduring pain and the inability to have penetrative sex, the consequences of dyspareunia include negatively impacting relationships and self-esteem and can contribute to depression and anxiety. In addition, other sexual dysfunctions such as hypoactive desire disorder and orgasmic dysfunction are often consequences of pain with penetrative sex.

Causes of vaginal pain during sex

Post-menopausal vaginal pain is often specifically due to lack of estrogen, but there are other, usually undetected and untreated causes for inability to have penetrative sex, Streicher said. These include post-hysterectomy problems; cancer treatments (chemotherapy, radiation, surgery); lichen sclerosus (patchy, discolored, thin skin) and other vulvar conditions; pelvic-floor tension; arthritis and other musculoskeletal problems; pelvic organ prolapse; and sexually transmitted infections.

More than 30% of women over the age of 50 are single and potentially will have a new sexual partner, Streicher added.

“Sexuality in women after the age of 50 years is marginalized, and gynecologic care is not prioritized, valued or even recommended,” Streicher said.

Why aren’t women being evaluated, treated for the condition?

Despite available treatments, dyspareunia often goes undetected for a variety of reasons. First, most American women no longer see a gynecologist after going through menopause, Streicher said. Secondly, women often don’t discuss painful sex with their primary health care clinicians, and, when they do, most clinicians are not equipped to treat these problems because they haven’t been trained to properly evaluate or treat dyspareunia in this population. Third, sexual function is often a low priority in women with other serious medical problems.

In a 2004 survey of more than 1,000 midlife women, 98% had at least one sexual concern, but only 18% of physicians broached the topic. This is particularly true in postmenopausal women who are unaware that solutions are available and rarely seek care for this complaint.

It’s also difficult to pinpoint the exact prevalence of dyspareunia in post-menopausal women because studies on dyspareunia require women to have at least one sexual encounter the month before enrollment, and women with dyspareunia avoid sexual activity because of pain.

What can be done?

Doctors should broach the topic of dyspareunia with their patients using oral or written questionnaires, Streicher said. In addition to a thorough medical history and physical examination, various tools can be used as further assessments, including vaginal pH, vaginal dilators, imaging, vulvar biopsy, vulvoscopy and photography, the cotton swab test, sexually transmitted infection screening and vaginitis testing.

Some of the treatments discussed in the review include silicone lubricants, moisturizers, vaginal estrogen, ospemifene, dehydroepiandrosterone, local testosterone therapy, cannabidiol and fractional CO2 laser treatments. In some cases, dyspareunia may need to be specifically addressed by pelvic floor physical or sex therapists.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!