Tag: Intimacy

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Cancer diagnosis affects person’s sexual functioning

Cancer can put a patient’s life on hold, especially among young adults who are just starting their careers or families.

 

[A] cancer diagnosis affects a person’s sexual functioning, according to a research.

The study, led by the University of Houston, found that more than half of young cancer patients reported problems with sexual function, with the probability of reporting sexual dysfunction increasing over time.

The study discovered that two years after their initial cancer diagnosis, nearly 53 percent of young adults 18 to 39 years old still reported some degree of affected sexual function.

“We wanted to increase our understanding of what it’s like to adjust to cancer as a young adult but also the complexity of it over time,” said Chiara Acquati, lead author and assistant professor at the UH Graduate College of Social Work.

“Cancer can put a patient’s life on hold, especially among young adults who are just starting their careers or families.”

The study also found that for women, being in a relationship increased the probability of reporting sexual problems over time; for men, the probability of reporting sexual problems increased regardless of their relationship status.

“We concluded that sexual functioning is experienced differently among males and females. For a young woman, especially, a cancer diagnosis can disrupt her body image, the intimacy with the partner and the ability to engage in sex,” Acquati said.

At the beginning of the two-year study, almost 58 percent of the participants were involved in a romantic relationship. Two years after diagnosis, only 43 percent had a partner. In addition, psychological distress increased over time.

She says it’s important to research how psychological and emotional developments are effected so tailored interventions and strategies can be created. Detecting changes in the rate of sexual dysfunction over time may help to identify the appropriate timing to deliver interventions.

Failure to address sexual health, the study concludes, could put young adults at risk for long-term consequences related to sexual functioning and identity development, interpersonal relationships and quality of life.

Acquati said health care providers might find it challenging to discuss intimacy and sex because of embarrassment or lack of training, but she believes addressing sexual functioning is vital soon after diagnosis and throughout the continuum of care.

“Results from this study emphasize the need to monitor sexual functioning over time and to train health care providers serving young adults with cancer in sexual health,” said Acquati.

“Furthermore, patients should be connected to psychosocial interventions to alleviate the multiple life disruptions caused by the illness and its treatment.”

The findings have been published in the American Cancer Society journal Cancer.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Are Men Replaceable After All?

Meet the Male Love Robots With ”Bionic Genitals”

By Samantha

[M]oreover, the love dolls and the plastic women have especially taken the final trend these days.

One of the companies that creates realistic love dolls is “Real Doll”. It is definite that they are starting with the creation of the male love dolls as well. Oh, and don’t worry, you can use these male love dolls as long as you want; you just need to be sure their battery is fully charged.

Using the high-tech tools, the creators of the male love dolls decided to make them as real as your living partner. They will have bionic genitals and capable of responding to verbal communication.

Unbelievable, but true!

This product is also known as an “ultimate pleasure experience”, but, where all this eventually goes? The replacement of the real men will be so drastic that you, in fact, may loose the desire for them. The latest technology has made us introverts and the question is-do we need another ‘toy’ to lead us to a total isolation?

Speaking of their ability to enhance a conversation, the male love dolls are assumed to become boyfriends to many females in the world. They will even be programmed with their own stories.

Women won’t need to make effort into tricking the male love dolls to like them. They will have their needs fulfilled as many times as they want.

Do these dolls catch your eye?

See the mesmerizing video bellow, and spread it to all the ladies in your life!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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It’s totally OK to like pegging if you’re a straight man – 7 guys tells us why

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If 2017 was the year of eating ass, 2018 will be the year of pegging.

[C]hances are you’ve already heard of it – but if you haven’t, pegging is, in most cases, a sexual act where a straight man is penetrated by a woman wearing a strap-on dildo. And no, it doesn’t involve a peg leg.

The word ‘pegging’ elicits responses of shock and judgement in many, and it might not be for everyone, but as with all sex, it is simply about pleasure.

Pegging has been around since the dawn of time (anything we do, rest assured, the Romans did it first) but it wasn’t until the 1998 release of sexologist Carol Queen’s sex education video series Bend Over Boyfriend that the act was given more attention.

But despite its recent surge in pop culture, in part thanks to shows like Broad City and movies like Deadpool, the act still remains largely taboo.

Many people still mistakenly think that if a straight man enjoys being penetrated, it makes him gay (it doesn’t) or unmanly (utter bollocks).

Anal pleasure for straight men has always been a taboo, partly due to this misguided, patriarchal idea of emasculation, and partly due to an ‘ew’ factor.

But letting internalised homophobia and gender roles get in the way of mind-blowing orgasms seems a little bit silly, doesn’t it?

After all, the prostate – the walnut-size gland found under a man’s bladder and easily accessible via the anus – is essentially the male g-spot. A magic pleasure button, if you will.

Aside from the intense physical pleasure, one of the best aspects of pegging in a cis, hetero relationship is that it inverts the traditional framework of gender and sexual roles.

According to a 2012 study published in the journal Sex Roles, clinging to traditional gender roles could make us feel less comfortable between the sheets, and research by sexuality educator Dr. Charlie Glickman also shows that straight men who had tried pegging were more in tune with what their female partner needed from them during penetration.

So pegging could not only give men a more intense orgasm, but it could possibly teach them a thing or two on how to pleasure women; basically, a win win.

When you think about it, pegging is still standard heterosexual PIV sex because the bottom line (pun intended) is putting something inside a hole. It simply works the other way around.

Indulging in something that is taboo helps chip away the stigma, which helps people get over their insecurities about what turns them on.

Talking about all kinds of sex, urges and curiosities is the first step towards a fulfilling sex life, and no one should feel ashamed to discuss their sexual preferences.

And because sex should always be a judgement free zone, here, seven straight men share their experience with pegging (anonymously, because society is still a little prudish). To quote Ilana from Broad City: ‘Anal’s on the menu’.

R, 33

My interest for anal play and pegging didn’t develop until my 30s.

During my 20s, I was more interested in having different sexual partners and more ‘traditional’ sex.

However, as my relationships started to become more stable, I found that pegging added an extra dimension to my sex life.

I was also very curious about prostate stimulation that is mentioned constantly in many sex articles, so this became something I wanted to try.

C, 21

It’s no different to admitting you having a fetish.

Some people are into feet and others like to be spanked or choked and pegging isn’t any different.

It might be a bit awkward to talk about at first but if you can’t openly talk to your partner then they’re not meant for you.

A, 27

It was my ex girlfriend’s idea, she read about it and brought it up with me.

I was skeptical at first, but even now that we’re not together anymore, it’s something I do with my new partner.

We don’t do it very often but even when we just have regular sex, she’s a lot more assertive, which I think is really hot.

K, 33

I suffer from erectile dysfunction so the allure of pegging was that it took the focus off the penis.

The prostate is basically the male g-spot so it means men who struggle with staying hard can reach orgasm without any penis stimulation at all.

M, 26

Once I realised how good it felt to have your anus stimulated through rimjobs, it kind of snowballed.

My girlfriend and I both started using butt plugs on each other, then we tried vibrators, then dildos.

One day we bought a strap on and never looked back.

M, 24

What I love about it besides the physical sensation, which is awesome, is the power switch.

There’s a lot of trust involved in being pegged, you need to have faith that the woman won’t hurt or judge you and there’s a lot of intimacy in that, which can be very powerful.

There’s also something to be said about someone wanting to please you like that, it makes you feel desired.

T, 26

It just feels really good, there’s not much more to it. If your gal is willing to try I recommend going for it, easy as that.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Does It Mean to Be Pansexual?

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[O]ne of the beautiful things about being a person right now is that there are no limits to the ways you can express your sexual preferences. While there’s still a lot of work to do in terms of representation, people who identify with sexualities and genders beyond binaries are finding it easier than ever to find both partners and communities that support their needs. But since inclusivity, though extremely awesome, can also be a bit overwhelming or confusing for some who haven’t heard certain terms in the past, it can be a little hard determining exactly where you fit. So, for the sake of said representation, let’s look at a term that’s gaining more and more traction nowadays: pansexual.

So what does pansexual mean? It’s actually pretty simple: Pansexuality is a sexual identity used to describe those who could be potentially attracted to all people, regardless of gender. Some people who identify as pansexual put it in the most adorable terms possible and say they care about “hearts and not parts.”

The reason pansexuality is defined as a sexual identity, rather than a gender identity, says Becca Mui, Ms.Ed., education manager at GLSEN, is because “it describes people’s feelings of emotional, physical, romantic, and sexual attraction to others, [whereas] gender identities refer to people’s personal conception of themselves, which may include ‘female,’ ‘androgynous,’ ‘transgender,’ “genderqueer,’ ‘nonbinary,’ ‘male’ and many others, or a combination thereof.”

Obviously, there is a bit of overlap (and therefore some confusion) when it comes to different sexual identities. For instance, what’s the difference between bisexual and pansexual, since doesn’t bisexual mean potential attraction to both genders? It does, but they aren’t the same thing. The term bisexual refers to someone who is attracted to male and female people, or people who are on the gender binary. “Someone who is pansexual may be attracted to someone who is transgender, gender nonbinary, or genderqueer,” Kristie Overstreet, Ph.D., a psychotherapist and clinical sexologist, tells Glamour. Pansexuality does not assume there are only two genders, rejects the binary, and embraces all people as individuals.

That’s not to say that identifying as pansexual means you aren’t attracted to people who do identify as male or female (i.e., within the traditional gender binary)—only that gender is not something you take into consideration when it comes to sexual attraction. If you find you’re attracted to all people, or most people, and gender isn’t something that dictates your desire for someone, you might be pansexual!

For some people, pansexual is a way to accept a sexual descriptor while leaving lots of room for interpretation. “[Pansexual] is the most inclusive type of sexuality and is not limited to attraction to men or women,” Alicia Sinclair, a sex coach and founder of B-Vibe, tells Glamour. “They may find their sexual attraction is much broader than the traditional identifications and labels.” Even so, it’s important to remember that labels are entirely self-regulated and are no one’s business but your own. Even if you may technically fit into a “box,” or some of your behaviors may fall under a label, you still may not be comfortable using any one term to describe yourself. For example, someone might be attracted to men and women, but not wish to be called bisexual. They may prefer the term queer, heteroflexible or homoflexible. Or maybe they don’t want any label at all. You don’t have to call yourself something just to make other people comfortable. Any label you choose should be strictly for your own benefit and self-identification.

Though there isn’t a clear stat on how many people identify as pansexual in the world—it’s a relatively new term and has been more widely accepted as a sexual identity only in the last decade or so (and we’re still working on it, tbh)—as more people feel comfortable coming out on a gender and sexuality spectrum, we’ll likely see a push for more comprehensive population statistics. According to the GLSEN 2015 National School Climate survey, 16.1 percent of the student participants identified themselves as pansexual. That’s a pretty significant number, and one that will probably grow as acceptance permeates popular culture.

If you are pansexual, some people want the next step to be explaining their sexual identity to family or friends. When you live in a world that generally expects that there are men and women, gay and straight people, falling outside of those parameters can be jarring for people you love. If you’re looking for some “coming out” ideas, Overstreet suggests writing a letter to family as a way of expressing who you are. “This is a great way to share your identify with them, as well as your feelings related to it, in a safe way,” she says.

Identifying on the sexuality spectrum may lead to some awkward moments in public. Though it can be disheartening, it happens to plenty of people. “Be prepared that some people may comment or ask inappropriate questions about your identity or your behavior,” Overstreet says. “Remember to keep your boundaries in place and don’t feel that you have to answer any questions that are inappropriate.”

Remember that you have agency, that your sexual identity is totally valid, and that how you choose to label yourself is nobody’s business but your own. We’ll say it again for the seats in the back: Any label you choose is strictly for your own benefit and self-identification.

You got this.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Envisioning A New Approach To Postpartum Sex

[W]elcoming a baby into the world is an incredible experience, but it is certainly not a seamless one. Although your new bundle of joy may be small, metaphorically speaking, they occupy a lot of space, with your partner and intimacy being the first thing to be pushed to the side.

As part of running MysteryVibe, I speak to women and men from different countries, backgrounds, and cultures every day – and one of the most common themes of discussions or questions people ask me is around reclaiming intimacy and sexual pleasure after childbirth.

The 6-week check-up often marks the moment when new moms are physically cleared by their doctors to have sex again. But while you might be given the green light, many women are simply not ready emotionally for penetrative sex.

You have welcomed a new human into the world, and while your heart could burst from all the love you feel, likewise you might be worried sick about their well-being at every moment, ready to cry at the drop of a pin.

Between the physical recovery of birth, a flurry of activities and the emotional rollercoaster of hormones, the last thing on your mind during the postpartum is being physically available for yourself, much less your partner.

But that does not mean that you have to give up on intimacy altogether.

It is time to reframe the 6 week check-up, and move beyond its unrealistic presumption that makes new mothers feel pressured to jump back into the sack after a string of sexless months, and guilty or ashamed when they cannot bring themselves to do it right away.

Rather, we propose a new vision of postpartum sex as a gentle journey of intimacy that leads to a fulfilling, pleasurable relationship with your partner, where sex does not have to mean intercourse right away.

A journey that will not necessarily lead you back to your pre-baby sex life, but to a new normal that can even be more emotionally (and physically) satisfying than ever before!

The rules of the game – go at your own pace, take it slow, communicate your needs to your partner, sit back, relax and let yourself enjoy the pleasure.  Here we offer you a few tips to kickstart your journey.

1. TLC- tender loving care. Before you can be emotionally or physically available for your partner, you must carve out some time for some self-love. Perhaps let dad or grandparents have some alone time with the new arrival – take a bubble bath, go for a walk in nature or perhaps cuddle up in a cozy blanket listening to your favorite tunes.

If you are up to it, maybe try a solo session, using a clitoral stimulator or small vibrator with lots of lubricants. Because of your body’s changing-needs, highly-customizable toys like MysteryVibe’s Crescendo will be a great fit as you can change its shape along with creating unique patterns of vibrations (spanning from super gentle to more powerful).

Toys like this are super effective at satisfying both penetrative and non-penetrative play, and don’t rely on friction or thrusting, which can be painful for many women post-birth. This will be a great time to reconnect with your body, with orgasms acting as stress relievers as well.

Whatever it is, love yourself and do what makes you feel good!

2. Rediscover the power of cuddling and kissing. While it may feel like you are regressing back to ‘first base’, these simple forms of physical touch with your partner increase* oxytocin levels, also known as the ‘bonding’ hormone that can help reduce* stress and anxiety.

So, when your baby is sleeping, take some time to simply hold each other’s hands or wrap yourself up in one another’s arms as you watch some TV.  When you are feeling ready for second base, allow your lips to linger and move into loving, passionate kisses.

3. Venture outside the usual. For many women, their breasts and vagina feel less sexual during the postpartum period. Once a focal point in the bedroom, breasts are now inflated and sore, and the vulva and vagina may be recovering from the physical trauma of childbirth.

No need to fret. There are many other erogenous zones that can bring you pleasure.  With their hands and/or mouth, ask your partner to stimulate other areas of your body.

Try some of these: ears, neck, nape of neck, spine, back, behind the knees and feet. These areas are full of nerve endings and can reveal some unexpectedly pleasurable sensations.

4. Explore non-penetrative practices. There are many ways to experience mutual pleasure and intimacy with your partner outside of the traditional penetrative act. Try reinventing the 69.

If you are not ready for vaginal or clitoral action, ask your partner to massage your feet that stimulate blood flow up to your legs and abdomen, while you return the favor with your hands or mouth.

You and your partner could also try intercrural sex, where the penis is stimulated by being placed in between your thighs. Or, on the flip side, intergluteal sex where the penis can be stimulated by moving between the buttocks.

For the last two, we recommend lube.

5. Invest in some good quality lube. When you are ready for more advanced foreplay or penetrative sex, do not be shocked if you are not naturally lubricating downstairs. Dryness is another side-effect of declined estrogen and progesterone levels post-birth.

Lube will be your best friend when you are getting back to the norm with your partner, helping things run smoothly. Clitoral stimulators can also act as great tools in this department. Also, do not forget to relax.

Many women feel a mixture of fear and anxiety about returning back to penetrative sex after months of celibacy, leading to a tenseness that will undeniably make sex less pleasurable. If you can, have a glass of wine, take your time, let your partner give you a massage, and then get the lube out!

6. The gift that keeps on giving. So maybe you are just not in the mood? Because of wonky hormonal changes, it’s totally normal to experience plummeted levels of libido. It’s ok.

Nonetheless, women put pressure on themselves to perform in the bedroom out of guilt for not tending to their partner’s sexual needs. Consider buying masturbating toys for your partner, it will show them that you care without forcing yourself to do anything out of your comfort zone.

All in all, intimacy with your partner can help decrease* your stress, improve* your confidence and (contrary to belief) energize you! Making space to prioritize intimacy, without the pressure of going all in, can help nurture a deep connection with your partner that can translate to increased happiness and wellbeing.

Do not expect to go from 0 to 100 after your 6 week check-up. Remember, most women wait longer than 6 weeks, and many women will not get 100% back into the groove of things for months.

Allow this journey back to intimacy be an exciting opportunity to rediscover the relationship you have with your own body and to find new techniques that lie outside the norm with your partner.

The key is to take things slowly, to listen to yourself, communicate with your partner, and when the time comes, use lots and lots of lube.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Aren’t Women Getting Enough Oral Sex?

By MysteryVibe

[T]hink of all the sexual partners you’ve ever had…

How many of these partners received oral sex from you? Compare that figure to the amount of partners who reciprocated, and gave you oral sex in return. I already know the total doesn’t add up.

The oral sex gap is a thing, and it needs addressing.

What went wrong? When we were reading articles like ‘how to give your boyfriend the best blow job’ or ‘10 tips your boyfriend wish you knew about giving oral sex’, where were the articles saying ‘what every woman wishes you knew about oral sex’ or ‘how to make your girlfriend scream, using your tongue’.

Seldom do we see the same attention given to female pleasure than that of male pleasure, which is crazy when you think that 80% of women find it difficult – or even impossible – to orgasm through penetrative, penis in vagina sex.

A study of men and women (in heterosexual relationships) found that women are more than twice as likely to offer their partners oral sex than men. Why is that? Because we don’t like it? No, that can’t be right. Because it’s too hard? Nope – don’t think so. Because it takes longer? I mean, perhaps but so what?

For some reason, our culture has depicted that oral sex for women is way more intimate than that for men; therefore cunnilingus in casual relationships is often sparse.

Whereas lots of women are comfortable (and used to) performing oral sex with their male partner, receiving it feels like a gift only to be given by regular lovers.

I think it’s time we stop pretending this isn’t happening, stop accepting excuses and start getting the pleasure we deserve.

I’m sure there will be men out there reading this thinking ‘hey wait! I’m a good guy – I like to give’. Yes, I’m not denying there are many generous lovers out there; the problem is (figures show) that you’re part of a minority.

We shouldn’t have to congratulate every man that gives us oral sex; male focused oral is a given. Female focused oral shouldn’t be any different.

The sad reality is that for a lot of women, receiving oral sex is awkward, embarrassing and not enjoyable.

The good news is, we think that’s just because you haven’t learned to embrace it.

Here are a few common concerns we have when it comes to oral sex. I hope reading them will help you sit back, relax and finally enjoy the attention your vulva deserves.

1. You’re worried about how you look and taste

This is our most common concern. The lack of education and exploration surrounding female pleasure has resulted in women feeling ashamed of their vagina.

We’re taught to dislike the appearance of our vulva, and constantly question or feel embarrassed about our natural vaginal smells and tastes.

Whoever said penis tastes, looks or smells better than any vagina had obviously never pleasured a woman.

We all want to have a ‘nice’, ‘normal’ vagina. But what does that even mean?! What constitutes ‘nice’?

There is no ‘normal’ vulva. They come in all shapes, sizes, textures and colours. No two labia or clitoris are alike – some are long, some are thick, some are small, some are big.

As the wonderful Emily Nagoski once wrote:

“When you can see your body as it is, rather than what culture proclaims it to mean, then you experience how much easier it is to live with and love your genitals, along with the rest of your sexuality, precisely as they are.”

I promise you, there is nothing wrong with your vagina. We all smell and taste differently and that’s fine. Your natural scents are nothing to be ashamed of, and should never be the reason you decline oral sex.

If you need more convincing, this article from Cosmopolitan answers some of the questions we’ve all asked ourselves in the past.

2. You’re not used to having all the attention

We all get a bit embarrassed when we’re in the spotlight. Whether that’s opening birthday presents in front of a big crowd, or opening your legs for a slightly smaller crowd… the trick is to not overthink it.

Enjoy the moment and the pleasure your partner is giving you.

Try not to fixate on when you’re going to climax; firstly, that’ll defuse the likelihood of it actually happening, and it will distract you from actually enjoying the experience.

Orgasm isn’t the be all and end all of your sexual experience.

Obviously it’s an added bonus, but enjoy the sensation of your partners tongue around your clitoris, or their lips kissing your inner thigh. That’s just as pleasurable.

Understanding this, and embracing the little things, will help you reach a better, more intense orgasm.

If that doesn’t work, you could always try using your Crescendo at the same time. I guarantee you’ll feel amazing.

3. You’re not taking enough control

Taking control and talking to your partner about what you like isn’t rude.

I speak to so many women who feel bad about stopping their partner from doing something they don’t like. If you don’t like how vigorous he is, or how hard he nibbles, you need to tell him.

There’s nothing worse than bad sex. Oral isn’t about endurance – it’s about pleasure.

Never just ‘put up’ with something because he thinks it feels good. Communicate, and you’ll both become better lovers in the long run.

Don’t be afraid to thrust your hips, angle your vulva around their mouth or even hold their head (as long as they’re into that).

If anything, your partner will find your eagerness to pleasure yourself sexy.

4. You feel awkward giving feedback

Of course you don’t want your sexual partner thinking they did a bad job, and it can be tough voicing your desires, but giving feedback is really beneficial for both of you.

You can’t give yourself oral sex, so it can be difficult to describe how you like it.

You can’t give them a step-by-step guide, but you can give examples of when they did something that felt great.

For example, if you really liked the slow build up, or you enjoyed it when they licked harder or slower or faster, tell them.

You can use this as a way to praise your partner, whilst giving feedback at the same time.

Remember that there’s no need to be silent during sex, so why not try and do this while he’s still down there, that way you have a better chance of having a great time!

 

Guys: if you’re looking for some descriptive advice and techniques, I recommend you read “She Comes First”. I promise it will completely change the way you think about cunnilingus, and maybe even make you quite the connoisseur!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Nienke Helder designs therapy tools for women recovering from sexual trauma

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Design Academy Eindhoven graduate Nienke Helder has created a set of sensory objects that can be used to rehabilitate women affected by sexual abuse.

Presented at this year’s Dutch Design Week, Sexual Healing is designed to help women who are suffering from trauma-induced sexual problems, such as pelvic muscle blockage.

According to the designer, current treatment available often focuses on a clinical perspective – putting too much emphasis on physical issues, rather than the psychological aspects of trauma.

From her own experience, Helder recognised the frustration this can cause, which prompted her to develop an alternative therapy which focuses more on the emotional aspects of sexual trauma.

“I was really frustrated with the way we treat these kinds of issues. In my opinion, the treatments that I got only made it worse,” she told Dezeen.

“It was totally taking me away from the sexual context; it became really clinical. It was so focused on this end goal of penetration that I totally lost all fun in my sexuality.”

The designer worked with medical experts and women in recovery to develop a set of five objects which invite users to discover their own sexual pleasure.

The objects encourage women to explore what feels good to them, which in turn, relieves fear and pain, and help them regain a sense of security about their bodies.

The first object is an ergonomically shaped mirror that lights up.

“Research shows that if you look at your own vulva, it increases your body positivity a lot. But if you have a trauma, it can really be confronting to look at your own body,” Helder said.

She made the mirror in such a way that it only shows exactly what you hold in front of it, allowing users to take their time and slowly start exploring their own bodies.

The second object is a brush made from horsehair, which is meant to help users become comfortable with being touched again. It also enables them to invite their partner to the healing process.

“If you have a trauma, it can be really difficult to talk about it. But by giving someone an object and making them part of the therapy, it opens a lot of doors for conversation,” Helder explains.

Two of the objects focus on biofeedback and are designed to help the user detect if they are feeling tense or stressed.

“Trauma creates certain reflexes in your body that comes from your subconscious mind,” the designer said. “To break that cycle, you need to rationally understand what is causing these processes in order to overcome them emotionally.”

One is a sensor that is meant to be placed on the abdomen. The device lights-up when the user’s breathing becomes tense, functioning as a signal to relax again.

A second is an object that measures the pressure in pelvic floor muscles. If the user tenses up, the device starts to vibrate, signalling the need to relax.

The final object is a kimono made of silk jersey, which emphasises the need to feel warm and relaxed in the bedroom.

“I made it because the bedroom is one of the coldest rooms in the house,” said the designer. “As I mentioned in my project video, it is important to keep your socks on when having sex because women could not have an orgasm when they have cold feet.”


 
Mental health is becoming an increasingly explored topic in design, particularly among graduates.

At last year’s Design Academy Eindhoven graduate show, designer Nicolette Bodewes presented a tactile toolkit designed to be used in psychotherapy sessions, while Yi-Fei Chen channelled her personal struggle with speaking her mind into a gun that fires her tears.

Helder’s Sexual Healing project was presented at this year’s Design Academy Eindhoven‘s graduate show as part of the annual Dutch Design Week event, which took place from 21 until 29 October 2017.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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With midlife comes sexual wisdom

Research shows women’s sexuality adapts with aging

by Madison Brunner

[W]hile women experience changes with the menopausal transition that can negatively affect their sex lives, they often adapt behaviorally and psychologically to these changes, according to a qualitative study by University of Pittsburgh researchers.

The results of the study, which included individual and focus group interviews, will be published online in the journal Menopause on November 1.

Midlife, which is defined as 40 to 60 years old, can bring physical, psychological, social and partner-related changes. Menopause-related vaginal dryness or pain, aging joints and reduced flexibility may lead to negative changes in sexual function for some women. Additional contributing factors such as career, financial and family stress, and concerns about changing body image, may add to decreased frequency of sex, a low libido and orgasm difficulties. However, not all changes are negative. The positive psychological changes aging brings—such as decreased family concerns, increased self-knowledge and self-confidence, and enhanced communication skills in the bedroom—may lead to improvements in sexual satisfaction with aging.

During the course of the study, the researchers interviewed a total of 39 women who were 45 to 60 years old and had been sexually active with a partner at least once in the prior 12 months. Participants chose to take part in either an individual interview or focus group.

“While prior longitudinal studies have documented negative changes in sexual function as women move through midlife, few have highlighted the positive changes,” said Holly Thomas, M.D., M.S., assistant professor of medicine, Pitt School of Medicine. “We found most study participants were prompted to try new adaptive behaviors to overcome negative challenges to maintain their overall sexual satisfaction.”

Such adaptations included using lubricants, different sexual activities/positions and changing priorities, with greater focus on emotional satisfaction. Women also discussed changing their priorities around sex; as they aged, they de-emphasized physical sexual satisfaction and placed more importance on emotional .

“It is important for to recognize that each woman’s experience of during menopause is unique and nuanced, and they should tailor their care accordingly. Midlife can learn strategies, such as adapting sexual behavior and enhancing communication of sexual needs, to help ensure and maintain satisfying as they age,” explained Thomas.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Weird Link Between Your Parents & Your Partner

There’s A Weird Connection Between Your Parents & Your Sex Life, According To Science

By Kasandra Brabaw

[E]very once in a while research pops up that claims people often end up with sexual and/or romantic partners who look like one of their parents. Usually this research is pretty heteronormative and focuses on the idea that straight women end up with husbands who look kind of like their fathers or straight men bring home women who look just like mom.

Whatever these studies are trying to say about our lives and their oedipus-like qualities, they’re generally pretty easy to brush off and move on — after all, it’s doubtful that many of us are consciously looking for someone who reminds us of our parents.

But the latest study in this iteration is slightly more nuanced. Researchers at Glasgow University aren’t saying that we want partners who look exactly like our parents, just that it’s likely we’ll end up with someone who has the same eye color as one of our parents. And this time, the study isn’t restricted to straight people, Yahoo reports.

The researchers asked 300 people about the eye color of their parents and the eye color of their partners. They determined through this (relatively small) sample size, that straight women and gay men are more likely attracted to people who have their father’s eye color, and that straight men and gay women are more likely attracted to people with their mothers’.

Now, let’s just take a second to think about this. Obviously, their findings aren’t going to be true for everyone. I, for example, am a gay woman who has mostly dated people who have brown eyes, just like my dad. So even though I have been attracted to people who have the same eye color as one of my parents, it’s not the parent this study says should be my inspiration.

Then, of course, there’s the fact that they only asked 300 people (75 of each gender/sexuality), which is hardly a strong sample size of the whole world. And even if those 300 people were perfect representations of how everyone chooses sexual and romantic partners, let’s remember that there are only so many eye colors to choose from anyway.

If you think about it, most people have either brown eyes, green/hazel eyes, or blue eyes — though some people’s eyes can also look more grey. So, if your parents have two different eye colors like mine do (my dad has brown, my mom has hazel), then you’ve already knocked off two of three possible eye colors. The odds are good that you’ll end up with someone who has the same eye color as your parents, just because that’s how probability works.

Still, there might be some truth to the researchers’ claims that this is another example of “sexual imprinting,” a theory that claims we learn what characteristics to find sexually attractive from our parents. After all, these studies do keep popping up.

Our advice: Just don’t think about it too much. You’re attracted to whoever you’re attracted to, and if that person happens to look a little like your dad around the eyes, then so be it.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Preserving Our Right to Sex in Long-Term Care

Do you need to put your wishes in writing?

By Kevyn Burger

[A]t age 74, Joan Price likes sex and doesn’t care who knows it.

“I plan to continue to celebrate the sexual pleasure my body can give me. Things may change and I will adapt to them, but I say, sex has no expiration date,” said Price, who calls herself an advocate for “ageless sexuality.”

While prevailing wisdom may suggest that the sex lives of 70-somethings are spoken of in the past tense, Price, a speaker, blogger and award-winning author (Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty) has her future sex life on the brain.

Sex in Long-Term Care: Unfriendly Policies

Price worries that if she would ever live in senior housing — from assisted living to skilled nursing to hospice — her desire for sexual expression could be thwarted.

“Residents in long-term care get no privacy, so how can they explore their sexuality with another resident or solo when they can’t lock the door?” she said. In fact, many facilities’ policies are “archaic, regressive and even ageist,” according to a 2015 article in Time magazine.

One notable example, Time wrote, was at Hebrew Home at Riverdale (in the Bronx), which drew up a Sexual Expression Policy. Among other things, it “recognizes and supports the older adult’s right to engage in sexual activity, so long as there is consent among those involved.”

Price urges individuals to be frank in stating their intentions.

“It occurred to me that we need to put it in writing, while we are capable to give instructions to our spouses and grown children, about what we want when it comes to exercising our sexual rights,” she said.

‘Advance Directive’ for Sexual Expression

Price created a sort of advance directive to make clear her sexual wishes. It begins with her desire to live in a facility with a sex-positive environment.

“I want my rights respected — the right to close my door and have privacy, the right to have a relationship with someone of my choice or the right to charge my sex toys in my room and use them without being disturbed,” she said.

A few facilities that house aging residents are cautiously beginning to address their lifelong needs and desires as a body of research is emerging on the sexual activity of older adults.

Previously, sex researchers typically stopped quizzing subjects at the age of 60, since prevailing wisdom suggested people were no longer sexually active beyond that age.

Sexually Active Well Beyond 60

But a 2012 study in the American Journal of Medicine found that half the women surveyed (median age 67) remained sexually active, with sexual satisfaction increasing with age. A national survey in the UK became the first to ask people in their 70s and 80s about their sexuality and confirmed that half the men and a third of the women enjoyed active sex lives into their eighth and ninth decades.

“Many service providers for older adults have had their heads in the sand. They refused to acknowledge the sexual needs of their residents. But now the Centers for Disease Control is reporting a high number of sexually transmitted infections in this population, so we know they are active,” said Jane Fleishman, a Massachusetts-based sex educator involved in ongoing research into sexuality in aging adults. “Facilities need to think about a sex policy or directive for their residents’ safety as well as their pleasure.”

Fleishman, 63, regularly consults with older adult service and housing providers. She has noticed that the intimate needs of their clients are starting to be recognized by a small minority of them.

“Sexual well-being lowers depression, social isolation and cardiovascular disease. As lifespans increase, so will people’s ability to have new adventures and relationships later in life,” she added. “Facilities should be constructed so there are private spaces where adults can be their authentic selves.”

What to Do About Dementia

Being open about older adult sex is not without its complications. With the cognitive impairment that often accompanies aging, questions can arise about whether an individual is capable of giving consent, even if he or she had previously stated an intention to remain sexually active.

It’s a dilemma that can create liability fears for administrators who run senior housing facilities and are charged with making sure their residents aren’t mistreated or exploited.

“Adult children may have the expectation that their parents are not sexually active, and administrators have seen that there will be hell to pay if the wrong two people start getting it on under their roof,” Fleishman said. “But deciding if someone can provide consent should come in a clinical assessment. It’s a question for a geriatrician, not a family member.”

Professor Gayle Appel Doll, a gerontologist and director of the Center on Aging at Kansas State University, noted that an advance directive can’t anticipate how individuals might change with age and the onset of cognitive impairment.

“When people have dementia, we see changes in their libido leading to less interest in sex. But we also see personality changes that go the other way,” such as the straitlaced older woman “who now wants to kiss men who look like her husband,” said Doll, author of Sexuality & Long-Term Care: Understanding and Supporting the Needs of Older Adults.

Building for Privacy

In her research, Doll surveyed developers who build senior housing to see if they considered resident sexuality in their planning. She found few retirement or nursing home developers accommodating the privacy needs of future residents who want opportunities for intimacy or conjugal visits.

But Doll thinks that’s changing, due to demands of the boomers and new federal policies.

“Facilities are under pressure to let their residents make their own decisions,” she said. “Mandates coming from Medicaid and Medicare require a personal care plan that lets residents say what they want for their lives and gives more weight to their preferences.”

Doll suggests that adults speak frankly about their sexual intentions to those whom they name to carry out their stated instructions.

“Creating the elements of an advance directive gives you the opportunity to talk to the people close to you and let them know what you want. I recommend having a conversation about your sexual desires in a general way with someone who might be your durable power of attorney,” she said.

But Doll admits that she doesn’t practice what she preaches.

“This means you have to have that awkward conversation with your kids, because that’s who’s going to be in control of you. And talking about the sex life you think you will want as you age is not easy,” she said. “I’m 63, and have I talked to my two grown sons about this? No.”

Persistent Silence on Sex

The lack of communication about older adult sex underscores society’s deep discomfort with acknowledging the intimate needs of the aging population.

“Even those who work in the field can’t get over what I call the ‘ick’ factor, their disgust with even the idea of wrinkly people having interest in sex,” said Price. “I’d like to see us talk out loud about lifelong sexuality without embarrassment, guilt or shame.”

Even if they don’t choose to formalize their sexual desires in a written document, Price urged people to ask questions about sexual policies as they evaluate older adult living situations.

“This is going to be your home, not a prison, so it’s incumbent on you to explore which facilities would respect your privacy and which ones would take it away,” she said.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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10 tips for good sex in long-term relationships – for men and women

Penguins play before mating.

By Isabel Losada

Make pleasure a priority

A happy and nourishing sex life (for both partners it’s necessary to emphasise) is good for your mental health and your physical health. Tender and loving intimacy is central to your well-being and so your family’s happiness and this impacts on – well, everything.

Don’t compare your sex life to the absurd but Oscar-winning performances of porn stars

Real sex isn’t like that.  Neither of you has to perform. If you make your body feel good and your partner’s body feel good and you’re both happy in the moment and the following day  – that’s good sex.  There is no way anyone can fail if you feel loved and nourished.

Don’t get stuck in a routine

The sensation that can be experienced in our bodies is as wonderful and varied as food can be. Hopefully you don’t always go to your local Indian restaurant and order the same vindaloo. If you do you’re missing out on all the more subtle and interesting flavours. Broaden your knowledge about how to please and be pleased.

Women:

You must be honest about the sensation in your body no matter how difficult it is for you to give honest feedback.  I know it’s annoying but men can’t read our minds and if we exaggerate the pleasure we say we feel we don’t help the men or ourselves.  Don’t go down that path.

Men:

A lot of what you are told about having to be ‘longer, harder, stronger’ etc is all nonsense designed to make you feel you need to buy products.  Ignore those spam emails but please do learn the art of stroking a clitoris – (details in the book.)

Learn about women’s arousal

Both partners have a responsibility to ensure that the woman has as much pleasure in bed as the man.  (Clue – it’s usually more complex and subtle) How can a woman really desire her partner unless she receives genuine pleasure from them?

Don’t think about other things when you’re in bed with the person you love

It’s rude! ‘Listen’ to the touch and the sensation in your body when you’re having sex.  Allow yourself to enjoy every second. If you find yourself thinking about other things – don’t be cross with yourself just go back to ‘listening’ to the sensation. Make relaxed time for pleasure.

Don’t have any goals

Women don’t chase orgasms and men don’t put pressure on a woman to orgasm. Sex is not a performance and orgasm is an involuntary state. Just breathe, explore all sensation and remove all pressure. The only aim is to enjoy. There is no way for either men or women to fail in bed. Breath. Touch. Laugh.

Women and men:  Make sure you know what your pelvic floor muscles are

They are the ones you use to ‘hold wee’. Exercise these muscles every day; you’ll never buy incontinence pads and it will improve your sex lives too. There is an app from the NHS called ‘Squeezy’ – use it. Five times a day. Thank me in six months.

Men:

Take the 21-day challenge of not ejaculating for that time, either during lovemaking or on your own. It’s an ancient tantric discipline. You’ll learn a lot about holding your own arousal level and being more aware of your partner’s. It leads to some great sensation and ultimately more connected and rewarding sex.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Debunking Common College Sex Myths

by and

[S]ex is among the most talked-about subjects on college campuses. Yet myths and misconceptions pervade almost every discussion of sexual activity and sexuality, subtly infiltrating the beliefs of even the best-informed people. Sexually inexperienced young people are likely to become confused by the dizzying array of information and opinions that assails them in conversations about sex.

Only by evaluating common sexual myths and the harmful effects they can have are we able to move past ignorance into a healthier understanding of our bodies and ourselves.

Myth 1: The withdrawal method is safe.

The withdrawal method, which is when the penis is pulled out of the vagina before ejaculation, is among the most dangerous and least effective birth control techniques. According to Planned Parenthood, this method is 78 percent effective. Pre-ejaculatory fluid can sometimes contain sperm, which can put a partner at risk of pregnancy. In addition, physical contact and the exchange of fluids can put both partners at risk for sexually transmitted infections. Just because the man has not ejaculated does not mean that the sex is safe.

Moreover, this technique requires very good timing and self-control to be successful.

“It’s just not very reliable to rely on that in the heat of the moment,” said Talia Parker (COL ’20), director of tabling for H*yas for Choice. If the man accidentally ejaculates before pulling out, the woman will be at an even greater risk of pregnancy, have to deal with a sticky cleanup and sex will end without satisfaction. Plan B, emergency birth control, costs more than $50, too. Getting a condom might seem inconvenient or less fun, but it’s worth it to prevent the consequences possible with the pull-out method.

Myth 2: Men just want sex all the time.

One of the most pernicious sex myths is the notion that men only think about sex all the time. This myth would have us believe that the primary motive behind male behavior is lust. But men have many motivations and drives apart from their sexuality. Relationships between men and women do not always have to be about sex, nor should we callously assume that a man’s actions are motivated by the desire to have sex.

The next time we attribute a man’s actions to his desire for sex, we should take a step back and evaluate why we believe that. More often than not, we will find that we have been making gendered assumptions. Moreover, if a person who identifies as a man does want consensual sex, we should accept this and not try to shame him.

Furthermore, we must remember that not all students in college are having sex. Some students may be choosing to abstain for personal or religious reasons, and others, including asexual students, may not be interested.

“Just having a positive attitude about sex is important and not judging other people for their choices as well,” Parker said.

Myth 3: The only way to experience pleasure is through penetration.

In most of our imaginations, sex means one thing: intercourse between a man and a woman with vaginal penetration. But this image is deeply flawed. It neither incorporates the experiences of gay, queer or intersex people nor accurately conveys the whole array of sexual possibilities available to people regardless of preference or gender.

“The arousal period for a woman is almost twice than [that of] a man,” Lovely Olivier (COL ’18), executive co-chair for United Feminists, a student group dedicated to combating influences of sexism and heteronormativity, said. “Oral sex, erotic massage, hand jobs, mutual masturbation, petting and tribbing, to name a few, are all non-penetrative options for you and your partner to consider. Furthermore, non-penetrative foreplay can increase satisfaction in intimacy altogether. Talk with your partner, share what you want and be open to new experiences.”

Myth 4: Protection doesn’t exist on a Jesuit campus.

Throughout the week, H*yas For Choice tables in the middle of Red Square from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m., giving out lube, latex condoms, internal condoms and dental dams for free. For some, long-term birth control, like the pill, may be a better solution. Although intrauterine devices do not prevent STI transmission, the Student Health Center hopes to start giving the devices out next month.

Myth 5: Women do not masturbate.

The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior published by the Indiana University School of Public Health found that 24.5 percent of women aged 18 to 24 said they masturbated a few times per month to weekly, compared to 25 percent of men in this range who masturbate a few times per month to weekly. Masturbation can help people achieve pleasure and help individuals in relationships by “finding what is best for you,” Parker said.

Trying sex toys can also allow women to embrace their sexuality and experience their first orgasms.

Complete Article HERE!

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Men Often Happier With Their ‘Bromance’ Than Their Romance

By Alan Mozes

[I]n a decidedly male take on the BFF, new research shows that the emotional safety of a bromance might beat romance for some men.

A series of in-depth interviews with a small group of young, straight men revealed that the guys felt more comfortable sharing feelings and resolving conflicts with their male best friend than with their lover.

“The key differences we found is that romances are the sexual partner, and the bromance is the emotional partner,” said study author Adam White.

The men his team interviewed said they “could be more emotionally open, without fear of being judged or policed, with their bromances, whereas they often were fearful of being their true selves with their romances through worry that sex may be withheld, they may end up arguing, or they may be judged negatively,” he explained.

That could mean that romance is starting to lose some of its privileged status, White noted.

“In fact, some may consider the bromance a better option, as many of the emotional benefits are superior in a bromance,” he said.

White is currently a Ph.D. candidate and lecturer of sport and physical education at the University of Bedfordshire in Luton, England.

The research team pointed out that the notion of “bromance” appeared to gain cultural currency around 2005, as a way to describe the increasing intimacy of straight male-male relationships as depicted in movies and on television.

To explore the phenomenon’s impact, the British investigators conducted interviews with 30 men over a three-month period in 2014.

All were enrolled in the second year of their undergraduate studies. Most were white and described themselves as middle-class.

While all of the men voiced generally positive views of homosexuality, all were straight and had been involved in at least one romance with a girl, as well as at least one bromance with a guy.

Most participants said that — sex aside — they saw very little difference between the two types of relationships.

But nearly all (28 of 30) said they preferred sharing personal concerns and secrets with their bromance, the study found.

Why? Bromances appeared to offer a safe space that was presumed to be free of the kind of ridicule, judgment or embarrassment they associated with romantic intimacy.

What’s more, nearly all the men (29 of 30) said they had cuddled with their bromance partner, without either sexual desire or shame. Most said their girlfriends were aware of — and seemingly at ease about — such physical contact. And some men indicated that they even kissed one another as a non-sexual sign of affection.

Nearly all the men also said that the arguments they got into with their girlfriends were far more intense, silly and enduring than bromantic conflicts. In the same vein, resolving differences seemed to be easier between men than between lovers, they said.

As to whether the rise of bromance inevitably comes at the expense of romance, White said the jury is still out.

“There is a real possibility that bromances and romances can co-exist harmoniously,” he noted. “Likewise, the bromance may well challenge the construct of monogamy, and either the bromance or romance partner may feel jealous and threatened by the other.”

White and his colleagues reported their findings in the Oct. 12 issue of Men and Masculinities.

Cassandra Alexopoulos, an assistant professor of communication with the College of Liberal Arts at the University of Massachusetts, Boston, said she viewed the advent of bromances as “a benefit for society, especially during a time in which we want to promote inclusive masculinity and allow men to feel comfortable expressing themselves emotionally.”

Still, she cautioned that the “no judgment” nature of bromance may end up “leading men to see their romantic partner as a burden,” giving rise to an “us versus them” view of women.

“For many people,” Alexopoulos explained, “communicating in cross-sex relationships takes work, and requires a great deal of empathy and perspective-taking. It’s important to remember that even though cross-sex communication can sometimes be more effortful, the social rewards that come with a cross-sex friendship or a romantic relationship are unique and emotionally fulfilling as well.”

Complete Article HERE!

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Feminism and Sexual Submission Aren’t Mutually Exclusive

A meme showed up on my Facebook newsfeed one afternoon a few weeks back.

by Savannah Stewart

It was shared by some fuckboy I worked with for about five minutes before he was never seen again, except when sliding into his female former colleagues’ DM’s—which should have been reason enough to keep scrolling past, yet here we are.

The picture was of a young woman. “Preaches feminism,” it said just above her head. And below, “likes bondage.” Accompanying the meme was some type of monologue calling out women who support equal rights but “like to get slapped around” as hypocrites.

If women are going to “complain” about the things feminists get all up in arms about—like the fact that one in three women will experience physical or sexual violence in their lifetime, or that almost half of murdered women are killed by current or former partners—then they’d better not enjoy a bit of roughness directed their way during sex or they’re full of shit. That was essentially the message of his ever-so-valued input about a woman’s sexuality. Because, clearly, those things are identical.

A few commenters pointed out that enjoying some naughty fun between the sheets is, in fact, completely different from experiencing abuse. “The difference is consent!” one commenter asserted, drawing digital thumbs-up from me and many others.

I agree wholeheartedly with that idea, and I think that the logical argument ends there. Rape and domestic violence are by definition not at all the same thing as enjoying and consenting to being in a position of submission during sex, and there is no correlation between the two. End of story.

But of course, fuckboy didn’t see it that way—how can a woman who likes to have physical force used on her in a sexual context walk around saying that hitting women is wrong? She obviously could not be taken seriously, he asserted.

I know I should’ve moved on, forgetting him and his irrelevant commentary. But I didn’t. It bothered me to reading that post, because I know a lot of people actually believe the things he believes.

Then I realized something: people who think that way, that feminist women cannot also be sexually submissive, probably just think that way because they don’t understand either concept.

And so this is me, after sitting on it for about a month now, retroactively explaining to Mr. Fuckboy what he doesn’t seem to understand.

First, it’s important to know that feminism is about a lot of things, but primarily it promotes political, social and economic equality regardless of gender, race, ability, sexual orientation, etc. It focuses on the issues that affect women, as well as other marginalized people, with the goal of empowering them and helping them achieve equality with privileged groups.

Sexual and domestic abuse are therefore important feminist issues because, though anyone regardless of gender can be the victims of these, they disproportionately affect women, people of colour, people with disabilities, and so on.

But on top of that, feminism is about making sure everyone has the freedom, education and tools required to make their own choices and become the rulers of their own destinies.

This includes, but is certainly not limited to, sexual preferences. Feminists believe that people should have the necessary information and confidence to figure out for themselves independently of society’s imposed constraints what feels good, what turns them on, and how they want to have sex—as long as it’s done between people who are fully informed and consenting.

Therefore, if someone comes to the conclusion that they enjoy being in a submissive role for sex and they want to act out fantasies of submission with a trusted partner, it in no way makes them less of a feminist—in fact, that’s feminist as hell. Feminism supports people owning their sexuality; so it’s not an excuse to start criticizing people who know what they want and actively seek it out.

But perhaps fuckboy’s issue is more with the notion of a feminist, someone supposed to fight for equality, wanting to submit themselves to the whims of another human being, very oftentimes a man?

The thing about submission is, like most other fetishes, it is the complex and unpredictable result of years of lived experience, exposure to all sorts of media, and plain old nature and nurture. And, just like every other fetish, it is a sexual fantasy that for most people in no way dictates how they wish to be treated outside of a sexual setting.

Think about it: just because you like being touched a certain way during sex does not mean that you want people to touch you that way when you’re on the bus, or making dinner, or reading, or doing whatever else. This can’t be repeated enough—consent is the key.

The truth of the matter is that we can’t control what turns us on, and our turn ons usually have nothing to do with how we live our lives. But something we can do is find ways to act out our turn ons in such a manner that is safe, respectful and enjoyable for everyone involved.

For people who enjoy experimenting with a power exchange, that’s where kink comes in. With communication, safe words, discussions about hard & soft limits, people who want to take on a dominant or submissive role during sex can do so in a way that is respectful and mutually beneficial. If you want to learn more about kink and dominant/submissive relationships, this guide is a really great start.

With all these tools at their disposal, people who are interested in being dominated—or dominating—can do so in a way that makes them and those they engage with feel comfortable. The goal is never to actually hurt someone, push someone’s boundaries or to make them feel unsafe.

Submissive feminists aren’t hypocrites. They are people who know what they like, know what they want, and know that their preferences don’t take anything away from their value as human beings.

Complete Article HERE!

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The Reason Most Couples Stop Enjoying Sex

(And How To Heighten Your Capacity For Pleasure)

by Bez Stone

Everywhere I go, I hear stories about the challenges professional women are having sexually with their partners. It happens to women between 20 and 70, with kids and without. It’s described in one of a few ways:

  • “I used to like sex, but then we had kids, our careers picked up, and something changed.”
  • “When we do have sex, half the time I’m thinking about my to-do list. I feel relieved when it’s over, because then I can do what I really want to do—like finish my book.”
  • “We feel more like roommates or business partners than lovers.”
  • “I’m worried my libido is broken and there’s something wrong with me.”

The high stakes of intimacy in long-term relationships mixed with the inaccurate beliefs about female sexuality we face from all sides make for a volatile combination. But I’ve seen these issues get resolved. It’s absolutely possible. No matter where it’s coming from, sexual dissatisfaction can be remedied when both people commit to learning a new way to relate intimately. These are the keys to creating mutually fulfilling intimacy that lasts a lifetime.

I see that these patterns can change when couples commit to learning a new way of relating sexually that women enjoy. Here are the keys to successfully moving toward intimacy that’s mutually fulfilling:

1. Normalize your experience.

When intimacy is the issue, it can be very difficult to discuss openly. Often, we feel alone and don’t realize that sexual struggles in long-term relationships are not just normal, but they happen to the majority of couples at one time or another. Having discussed these issues with countless female clients who believe that they are to blame for their unhappiness, I realized that we just tend to place blame on ourselves. The truth is that there’s nothing wrong with you. Your libido is not broken. You’re not alone and this IS fixable.

2. Clearly articulate your need for change.

One of the biggest mistakes I see otherwise straightforward women make is downplaying their sexual distress to their partner. Many of us believe our male partners don’t care about our sexual fulfillment, or that enjoying sex isn’t worth the tension it would place on your relationship to bring up what isn’t working. Don’t let this stop you from getting what you need.

I have almost as many male clients as female ones, and they all want the same thing when it comes to sex: a partner who is turned on, happy, and enjoying themselves. Regardless of gender or relationship style, if sex only works for one partner in the relationship, then the sex isn’t working.

Have you clearly articulated to your partner that you aren’t sexually satisfied and that you need something to change? If not, your chances of fulfillment are slim. Blaming yourself doesn’t make anything better; taking responsibility for dealing with it as a team does. Get in the habit of talking with your partner regularly about what’s working for you and what isn’t.

3. Stop following a script.

We seem to all have been given the same misinformation about how sex should go: It starts with kissing and ends with intercourse. We’ve also been taught that happy couples have sex once per [day, week, month, insert stereotype here]. We’ve learned that sex is over when the man reaches orgasm. But I’m here to tell you that every single one of these statements is not only false but harmful.

The truth is that when couples drop expectations about sex and adopt a new approach—one that makes both parties’ genuine fulfillment a prerequisite rather than a bonus—women’s genuine fulfillment (which includes much more than having orgasms)—it supports deeper intimacy and can make a woman’s libido more active than it ever was before. Learn more about how to enter a new, infinitely satisfying paradigm here.

4. Recognize that orgasms are not sex’s raison d’être.

Orgasms are wonderful, but in truth, our fixation on them keeps our sex lives from becoming extraordinary. Let’s get real: If orgasms were all it took for radical fulfillment, far more of us would feel fulfilled. We wouldn’t even need relationships to make that happen. But we know it’s not the same. Self-pleasure is healthy, and may temporarily alleviate feelings of exhaustion or anxiety, but it doesn’t provide us with the connection or intimacy that partnered sex can.

5. Seriously, get rid of the script—before you even start the first act.

You’ll see a night-and-day difference in your sexual encounters if you let go of expectations before either of you starts getting hot and bothered. Nothing hinders women’s enjoyment of sex more than feeling pressured in bed. It’s almost impossible for us to enjoy ourselves if we’re worried about expectations about how or how much we are. Instead of feeling the pleasure, we get stuck wondering whether we’re doing it right or whether our partner is satisfied. Tossing expectation out the window is the most reliable way to start having fantastic sex immediately.

6. Touch each other for the sake of touching—with no apprehension or expectation about where it might lead.

Physical contact is essential for sexual fulfillment. But when sex isn’t working, we often avoid touching each other. I encourage couples to touch each other frequently and in a wide variety of ways—foot massages, hand-holding, and everything in between. But, by the same token, I encourage couples to stop tolerating touch they don’t like or want.

Tolerating touch leads to sexual shutdown—the person being touched isn’t enjoying themselves but won’t say it; the person doing the touching knows something is wrong but isn’t being told how to fix it. It creates distance rather than fostering intimacy. The solution is to have physical contact with zero expectations. When pressure and expectations are lifted, touch becomes an exploration of sensation and connection rather than a race to orgasm or “those same three moves.”

7. Don’t look at sex as a means to achieve any goal other than giving and receiving pleasure for pleasure’s sake.

Goals are great for business plans and exercise regimens, but they have the opposite effect on sex. Few of us have ever touched our partner without trying to achieve a goal. We use our touch to prove we’re a good lover, to make peace in the relationship, or to bring our partner to climax. How would we touch each other if we weren’t trying to achieve anything except to connect and explore each other’s bodies? Given an open-ended approach to sex that is full of touch and free of pressure, both desire for and enjoyment of sex will grow exponentially.

8. Learn what you like, and allow yourself to receive it.

Desire is vital to fulfillment. When we lose touch with that inner spark, our sex lives fall flat. Ask yourself the question, “What do I want?” 10 times a day. Seriously. And get very good at answering it. Desire is the first step. Only then can we receive it. It may sound simple, but I see women struggle sexually for years because they don’t know how to receive the help, love, and touch their partner wants to give. It takes as much work to receive as to give—sometimes more.

Practice receiving by focusing on the enjoyment of what you’re experiencing. Sink into the warm embrace of a hug. Delight in the smell of your favorite baked good. Relax as your partner touches you. Think less; feel more.

9. Practice, practice, practice.

Yes, even great sex requires practice. Create habits that can be easily incorporated into your daily routine. I encourage all couples I work with to develop a habit of sexual research—open-ended sessions where couples explore new ways to connect without pressure. Like any new habit, allowing yourself to feel more pleasure and connection takes practice.

10. If it seems helpful, get professional coaching.

If you don’t feel like you can do it alone, don’t. There’s nothing to be ashamed of except not using every tool at your disposal to create the relationship you want. Get the support of a coach whose philosophy inspires you.

11. Be patient with yourself and with your partner.

Sexual connection is deeply personal and one of the most vulnerable elements of our identities. Don’t be discouraged if you, your partner, or your sex life doesn’t change as quickly as you’d hoped. People transform in different ways, through different means, over different periods of time. In seeking long-lasting change, favor paradigm shifts over quick fixes. Stick with it and be patient with each other.

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