Tag: Intimacy

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Slow sex

How embracing the ‘mindful sex’ trend could boost your wellbeing

By Mary-Jane Wiltsher

There’s no denying that our interest in slow sex, or mindful sex, is on the rise. From sexy audio stories to carefully curated ‘pleasure packages’, there’s a whole new world of thoughtful, creative approaches to sex out there – and for many brands, female pleasure is finally being made the focus.

Slow sex. What do the words mean to you? If it’s dimming the lights, blasting Marvin Gaye and taking the pace of your bedroom activities down a notch, then in this case, you haven’t quite hit the spot.

That’s because, while all of those things could well feature in a session of slower sex, in this instance ‘slow’ refers to mindfulness, not speed.

In the last two decades, our mile-a-minute, tech-driven lives have sent us in search of ‘slow food’ (lovingly prepared seasonal ingredients), ‘slow travel’ (offbeat, eco-friendly journeys) and ‘slow journalism’ (deep-dive features that go beyond the breaking news cycle). 

These mindful movements involve fully engaging in the moment and putting more thought into the choices we make as humans. Contrary to its name, mindfulness helps us reconnect with our bodily senses and dislocate from the everyday worries that rattle around in our brains. MBCT (mindfulness based cognitive therapy) has even been used by the NHS to treat recurring depression.

How does mindfulness translate to our sex lives, though? Slow sex sounds a bit, well, dull. How do we define the vastness of sex – swift and unhurried, wild and comforting, awkward and joyous – in a ‘slow’ or ‘mindful’ context?

Writer, sex educator and ambassador for sexual wellbeing brand Tenga, Alix Fox, describes mindful sex as follows: “Mindful sex is about being truly in the moment during an erotic experience. It involves being utterly present and focused, and paying attention to all the sensations and emotions flowing through you, without judging yourself for whatever you happen to feel.”

In a world where we devote more time to our screens than our sex lives, mindful sex may seem laughably impractical, but Fox explains that there are multiple benefits.

“Having mindful sex – indeed, practicing mindfulness full stop – can be challenging if you’ve got a lot on your plate, or you’re knackered or anxious. Yet mindful sexual sessions can help us to feel more rested, relaxed, calm and contented. It may sound hippy dippy, but mindful sex is certainly worth putting your mind to.” 

“It’s hard, especially for women, to really know what we want from sex. To separate what we want to do, from what is expected of us”

While mindful sex is moving into becoming a trend in 2019, it certainly isn’t a new thing. Tantric sex, or tantra, which centres on heightening the senses through mindfulness and connection, is an ancient practice that appears in Hinduism and Buddhism. Fast forward to the 00s and a string of books on tantric or slow sex appeared, published by the likes of couples therapist Diana Richardson, whose 2018 TED Talk on mindful sex has so far racked up almost half a million views.

We’re not only talking about the sensations of the act itself, though. Mindful sex encompasses anything that enhances our sex lives – from apps and websites to books – and that’s where a new wave of brands comes in.

With more women writing and theorising about sex than ever before, and greater numbers of women working and consulting in the sextech industry, a plethora of female-founded brands, publications and collectives have emerged. These range from Dipsea’s sexy audio stories for women, to mindful sex app Ferly, sex education website OMGYes and ‘pleasure package’ subscription service The Sway, via Flo Perry’s sex-positive book How to Have Feminist Sex, to name a handful.

United by a thoughtful and creative approach to sex, their focus is on female pleasure. Perry’s guide to bringing feminism into the bedroom is a great instructional tool for women who want to make more mindful choices about sex. Reliably smart, frank and relatable, it covers everything from masturbation to monogamy, pubes to sending nudes, and is crammed with her playful illustrations.

“I like the idea of more conscious sex,” says Perry. “I think it’s hard, especially for women, to really know what we want from sex. To separate what we want to do, from what is expected of us during sex.”

On the rise of ‘slow sex’, she says: “Not everyone wants to have romantic fireside tantric encounters, some people want to be fingered hard and fast on the back of a bus, and both of those fantasies can be done equally consciously, and full of feminism.”

The rise of audio porn or audio erotica, too, reveals a growing interest in slower, more immersive forms of stimulation. Gina Gutierrez, co-founder of Dipsea, the sexy short story app for women, sees a connection between the numbers of women working in sextech and the slow sex movement.

“While we don’t necessarily think about it as ‘slow sex’, we’re proud to be part of a movement that’s re-imagining sex as mind-first vs. body-first,” she says, adding that the wider societal change is likely down to, “a growing curiosity around, and interest in, serving women in all the ways they uniquely experience sexuality.”

Crafting fantasies through scene-setting and tension-building, Dipsea’s stories can be adjusted according to sexual orientation and explicitness, and listened to solo or with a partner. Based on research that, especially for women, tapping into sexual feelings has a lot to do with mood and context, Dipsea creates scenarios that listeners can envision as they like. As one subscriber puts it, “It leaves room for my own imagination to fill in the blanks”.

Gen de Rohan Willner and Sinead O’Hare, co-founders of The Sway – a subscription service that sends bi-monthly ‘pleasure packages’ full of thoughtful prompts and products discreetly to your door – believe “we are seeing a huge shift in sexual wellbeing as a whole being valued alongside physical health and mental wellbeing, which is fantastic.”

“Women are being more vocal than ever, demanding equality in all aspects of their lives””

The Sway was born out of that very change in perception. “Sex often took the backseat in our busy lives,” says de Rohan Willner. “Between the yoga, facials and green juices we were purchasing to ‘look after ourselves’, neither of us were lifting a finger to keep our sex lives alive and kicking. That little shift in our minds that sex is also something that needs ‘looking after’ is where The Sway started.”

Education and curation are important to the brand. Unlike other subscription services, each box is themed around a new ‘area’ of pleasure. This promotes exploration and communication while introducing subscribers to new products they may not have otherwise discovered.

Like Gutierrez, de Rohan Willner believes mindful sex is part of a wider zeitgeist in which “women are being more vocal than ever, demanding equality in all aspects of their lives”.

Interestingly, The Sway’s most popular products don’t involve vibration. Instead, orgasm enhancer balms and good old-fashioned lube are forever popular. The founders note that there’s also “a rising interest in massage products – the perfect example of a product that helps spice things up while slowing things down”.

The lack of ‘buzz’ may tie into what Alix Fox coins ‘The NoZap Movement’, referring to women who periodically give up vibrating sex toys, feeling they have become over-reliant on intense stimulation, which can make it harder to appreciate the comparatively delicate sensations of human touch. Similarly, some men may “give up porn and masturbation for a set period of time in an effort to ‘reset’ their mental outlook and physical sensitivity”.

Solo sex is alive and healthy, though, and also ties into the slow sex movement. Research by Tenga reveals that masturbation is starting to be seen as a form of self-care – a view which very much feeds into more mindful attitudes to sex.

 

The Self Pleasure Report, produced in May this year, revealed that 64% of Brits used masturbation as a form of self-care, with 52% saying it improved their wellbeing. British respondents ranked masturbation as more pleasurable and more stress-relieving than wellness activities like taking a bath or listening to music.

What does all this mean? Cheeringly, we’re thinking and talking about sex in broader, more explorative and progressive ways. Female entrepreneurs aren’t waiting for sextech to catch up to their needs. Ancient taboos about masturbation are beginning to be dismantled. We’re being kinder to our bodies.

Once we forget the idea of mindful sex as a specific kind of candlelit tantric experience, and instead see it as a much-needed shot of thought and imagination for our sex lives, it becomes a whole lot more accessible and, well, sexy.

Could we see people giving up sex toys altogether in favour of mindful sex and tantric practices? As with anything, it’s all about balance. We wouldn’t live on ‘slow food’ alone – sometimes we want a sugary snack – and our sexual appetites are just as diverse. You might want to dip into audio porn one day, and be gratified in an entirely different way the next.

So, while slow sex is on the rise, it remains part of a vast and colourful array of sexual pleasures – and that’s altogether more stimulating.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to ask for what you want (in bed)

Having great sex is not a privilege for the few. Everyone should feel able to have pleasurable and intimate sex in the way they want – whether that’s with someone you are in a long-term relationship with, or if it’s with someone you’ve just met or hooked up with.

But let’s be honest, talking about your sexual desires may feel like something that’s hard to do. For many gay men who’ve lived alongside the HIV epidemic for decades, the double challenge of negotiating safety and pleasure has left us feeling like we need to choose one or the other.

We want to tell you that this shouldn’t be the case. New ways to feel empowered about your health (HIV testing, being ‘undetectable’, PrEP) have radically altered relationships and the sexual dynamics between men. But even with these new strategies it can still be hard to prioritise sexual desires and ask for what you want in bed.

In our new video, we give you some practical tips on how to ask for what you want in bed. You can also listen to Alex Garner, Senior Health Innovation Strategist at Hornet, and Alex Liu filmmaker, writer and sex expert of @Asexplanation, chat about all thing sex, shame and communicating everything you want to do in bed, in our new video for Talking HIV

Find out more about the other videos in our gay sexual health series.

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The Link Between Commitment & Good Sex

Researchers May Have Finally Figured It Out

By Kelly Gonsalves

Sex with a stranger or a new flame can be thrilling, but there’s something to be said for the kind of intimate, comfortable, deeply connected sex you can have with a committed partner you’ve been with for years. A lot of research has demonstrated that commitment is associated with higher sexual satisfaction, such that a person enjoys sex more when they’re having it with a person they’re committed to. 

Here’s the question, though: Does commitment make sex better, or does good sex make you more committed?

For a new study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, a team of researchers surveyed 366 couples about their commitment levels and sexual satisfaction over the course of their first five sessions of couples therapy. The researchers wanted to understand whether an increase in commitment one week would predict an increase in sexual satisfaction the following week, or vice versa. 

“Partners may be more committed to a relationship which offers them more sexual benefits,” they write in the paper on their findings. “Partners who are satisfied with the extent to which their sexual needs are met may be more devoted to the future of their relationships.”

But the opposite could also be true: “As partners’ commitment to each other grows, they may be more likely to devote more time and energy into the sexual component of their relationship, thus enhancing each partner’s sexual satisfaction,” the researchers hypothesize. “With a foundation of strong commitment, couples may develop a sense of safety in their relationships that leads partners to engage in more sexual exploration and thus enjoy more satisfying sexual lives together. Conversely, lower levels of commitment may inhibit partners from communicating about or enjoying their physical intimacy to the fullest extent.”

So which was it? Well…both.

When they analyzed the data, they found a bidirectional relationship between commitment and sexual satisfaction—more of either during one week led to more of the other the following week.

That said, after the first three sessions, these effects plateaued. Between the two directions, sexual satisfaction continued to predict commitment longer into the five weeks than the other way around. The researchers surmise that as time goes on, “the benefits of sexual satisfaction are important in improving commitment, but the safety and investment of commitment is less important in predicting sexual satisfaction.”

There are many ways to interpret these findings. The biggest take-away is that the two really are linked: When you improve your overall relationship and stability as a couple, your sex life will indirectly improve as well. And when you improve your sex life, your overall relationship will probably also get a boost. It may be that after a certain commitment threshold is met, being more and more dedicated to or in love with each other stops increasing the pleasure you get out of sex. Fair enough.

But the general principle definitely still stands: Want better sex? Work on strengthening your relationship. Want to strengthen your relationship? Sex is a great place to start.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Surrogate Therapy Takes a Hands-On Approach to Overcoming Sexual Trauma

—Up to and Including Intercourse

By

Touch, erotic or not, can communicate painful memories, insecurities and vulnerabilities that are hard to verbalize.

One of the most revelatory moments of Carlene Ostedgaard’s career was the time she got an orgasm from having her shoulder touched.

It happened a few years ago, when Ostedgaard, 35, began training to become a surrogate partner. Typically treating sexual anxiety or trauma, surrogate partners work in collaboration with licensed therapists to teach their clients relaxation tools, hands-on intimacy exercises and social skills—eventually leading to unstructured, penetrative sex.

Part of Ostedgaard’s training included a two-week program in Los Angeles, in which trainees paired up for a series of exercises that slowly became more intimate, from holding hands to footbaths. One exercise involved “erotic body mapping,” in which Ostedgaard and her partner took turns touching, licking and sucking spots on each other’s bodies and rating the sensation. When Ostedgaard’s partner got to her scapula, she began to feel a current running down her spine.

“It was super cool,” she says. “I thought I knew all these wonderful things about my body, and that was a totally new experience.”

Orgasms, though, are rare in surrogate therapy, and somewhat beside the point. Instead, the focus is on understanding why and when relaxation becomes difficult. Touch, erotic or not, can communicate painful memories, insecurities and vulnerabilities that are hard to verbalize.

“You can decide what you tell your therapist and what you don’t tell your therapist,” says Ostedgaard. “The body is not very good at lying.”

Ostedgaard has been working in Portland as a surrogate partner for three years. The practice exists under the broader category of “touch therapy.” In almost every case, hands-on coaches tend to work with clients whose symptoms—whether it’s erectile dysfunction or pelvic pain—stem from shame, anxiety or sexual trauma, and the treatment can encompass a range of physical contact. Somatica, for instance, focuses on breathing exercises and nonerotic touch, while sexological bodywork often involves genital touch but not necessarily penetrative sex.

Surrogate therapy, however, almost always involves sexual intercourse. But Ostedgaard stresses that it is only a small part of the overall treatment. Most of the time is spent working on communication skills and relaxation techniques.

“Ninety-five percent of what we do has nothing to do with sex,” says Ostedgaard. “It’s getting someone to that place where they’re relaxed enough to be present in their bodies so they can enjoy sex. It’s learning to communicate about sex.”

Even in the realm of sex therapy and coaching, touch-based work is a niche practice—Ostedgaard says she is among only a few dozen nonmedical sexual health practitioners in Portland who use physical contact as part of their treatment.

Because it involves sex, the legality of the profession is complicated. Few states have directly addressed surrogate therapy. While serving as deputy district attorney in Alameda County, Calif., Kamala Harris said of the practice, “If it’s between consensual adults and referred by licensed therapists and doesn’t involve minors, then it’s not illegal.”

In Oregon, commercial sexual solicitation is broadly defined as paying for any kind of “sexual conduct or sexual contact.” But according to certain experts, the therapeutic purpose of surrogate partner therapy could dissuade prosecution.

“It’s not the actual sex that’s criminalized, it’s the business aspect,” says Lake Perriguey, a Portland lawyer who has represented defendants facing sex crimes charges. “If the agreement is more broadly stated as a joint effort to overcome an impotence through therapy, that may not run afoul of the criminal statue. If there is an agreement, written or oral, that includes the words ‘You’re going to pay me to eat you out and then your sexual blockage will be cleared,’ that would be illegal.”

In other words, it’s mostly legal in the sense that it’s not explicitly illegal. Still, according to Ostedgaard, no surrogate partner has been prosecuted in the 50 years the treatment has existed.

“I’m a little bit tired of having the conversation,”she says, “because it’s never happened, no one’s gotten in trouble, and it’s such good therapy. That’s why people leave us alone.”

The American Psychological Association’s code of ethics prohibits any kind of sexual intimacy between patients and therapists. Hands-on workers are not recognized as therapists, and refer to those they treat as “clients” rather than patients. But surrogate partners are unique in that they work in conjunction with a licensed therapist. Clients see a therapist throughout the duration of their surrogacy treatment, and sign disclosure agreements so the two professionals can share notes.

Some therapists can be skeptical about the collaboration. It’s usually the client, rather than the surrogate, who does the convincing.

“When someone comes to this stage in therapy, they’ve tried everything else,” says Ostedgaard. “If someone needs this therapy, in my mind, it’s unethical to deny them when it is so effective.”

Of the various disciplines of hands-on sex therapy, surrogate therapy is perhaps the most regimented. At the beginning of each session, the surrogate checks in with the client to see if he or she is ready to proceed with the plan for the day. Sometimes, that means repeating hand caress exercises for a session before moving on to touching one another’s faces. Just before surrogates and clients have sex, there’s usually a session that involves “quiet penetration,” sometimes colloquially referred to as “stuffing,” which is essentially just penetration without the intent of having an orgasm, and with little movement (the vast majority of clients who seek surrogate therapy are cisgender men).

“We just hang out there for like five minutes,” she says. “What we’re really doing is normalizing that sensation, whether that’s bringing them to the point of ejaculation and teaching them like, you can control this, or normalizing the feeling of a vagina, because for a lot of these folks, that’s why they’re prematurely ejaculating, it’s because they’re excited or they’re fearful.”

Treatment typically takes one to two years of weekly sessions. Emotional involvement is inherently part of the treatment—the closing sessions are somewhere between an exit interview and a breakup. The surrogate recaps the skills the client has built, and the pair say goodbye.

“The client knows from the beginning that the relationship is going to end,” says Ostedgaard. “We frame it a lot from the perspective of, ‘Look at all these beautiful new skills you have. You deserve to go spread that to the world. Why on earth would you choose to share with only me?'”

After treatment is over, clients continue to see their therapist, but cannot contact the surrogate for at least three months. “It’s painful and there’s crying and you’re going to miss them and they’re going to miss you,” says Ostedgaard. “Then they come back and they tell you like, they’ve gotten married, they’ve had a baby—really wonderful things like that.”

Sex coaches and surrogate partners often speak about their work as a way of not only healing individual clients, but also recoding cultural attitudes about sex and pleasure.

Few believe a mass shift is going to happen anytime soon. Though the practice is gaining in recognition—this weekend in New Orleans, the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Educators will hold its first conference for certified members who use hands-on touch—Ostedgaard says legalizing sex work, regardless of a worker’s philosophical leanings, would be a big step.

“It would change attitudes so much if it wasn’t in the shadows,” she says. “It would change to the idea that pleasure and sex are a birthright.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What does a healthy open relationship look like?

In a culture that favors monogamy, is it possible for couples to have open relationships that work? Recent research that used a novel framework to explore types of monogamy and nonmonogamy suggests that open, consensual nonmonogamous relationships can be healthy and satisfying.

New research delves into the conditions that make open relationships happy and healthy.

by Catharine Paddock, Ph.D.

The new study does not draw sweeping conclusions about successful open relationships. Instead, the findings identify the conditions that can promote healthy consensual nonmonogamous relationships and those that can put them under strain.

These conditions relate to the extent to which there is mutual consent, comfort, and — perhaps most importantly — communication about sex with other people.

A recent paper in The Journal of Sex Research gives a full account of the study and its findings.

“We know that communication is helpful to all couples,” says senior study author Ronald D. Rogge, Ph.D., an associate professor of psychology at the University of Rochester in New York.

“However,” he continues, “[communication] is critical for couples in nonmonogamous relationships as they navigate the extra challenges of maintaining a nontraditional relationship in a monogamy-dominated culture.”

Three dimensions of commitment

A 2016 study suggests that about 1 in 5 individuals in the United States engage in open relationships at some stage of their lives.

Despite this relatively high statistic, a culture that favors monogamy can present a challenge to nonmonogamous couples looking to introduce new sexual partners into the relationship.

Such couples would need, for example, to protect each other from potential feelings of jealousy and judgment from others, note the study authors.

Previous studies in this area have yielded mixed findings. The reason for this could be that the frameworks that they have used to understand nontraditional relationships have tended to focus only on one or two dimensions, for example, monogamous or nonmonogamous.

To probe these inconsistencies and gain fresh insights into the nature of nonmonogamous vs. monogamous relationships, the researchers behind the new study devised a model of commitment that embraces three dimensions: mutual consent, communication, and comfort.

Consent, communication, and comfort

In their study paper, the authors explain why they consider these three conditions — which they refer to as the Triple C model — to be fundamental building blocks of healthy relationships.

Citing other studies, they argue that the conditions describe an “adaptive process that would help to buffer relationships from the adverse effects of enduring vulnerabilities and stressful events across time.”

They define mutual consent as a condition in which both partners agree explicitly the nature of their relationship. For example, is there to be sexual exclusivity? Would this decision also apply to emotional exclusivity? And what types of other sexual partners would be allowable?

The communication dimension covers the ongoing discussion about the relationship and its boundaries. While it is an important cornerstone of any relationship, the researchers argue that communication specifically about sex with other people has a central role in open relationships.

Communication allows, for instance, couples to negotiate rules about sex outside the relationship “while maintaining high levels of respect and consideration toward the feelings of each other,” write the authors.

Comfort, for instance, includes whether partners feel that they have to agree to an open relationship even though they really want it to be monogamous.

A question in connection with comfort would ask how upset the individual would be if they knew that their partner was having sex with other people or how upset their partner might be if it were the other way around. Both partners not being very upset would signify high levels of mutual comfort.

Five types of relationship

For the study, the team analyzed responses from 1,658 people in relationships who completed an online questionnaire that included items within the Triple C Model.

Nearly four out of five of the respondents were white, and about two-thirds were in their 20s and 30s. Nearly 70% described themselves as female, and most said that they were in long term relationships — on average, these had been going for almost 4.5 years.

The researchers arranged the participants into five groups according to the type of relationship that they described. The relationship type of each group is as follows:

  • Monogamous relationship: In the early stage.
  • Monogamous relationship: In the later stage.
  • Consensual nonmonogamous relationship: Neither partner is interested in staying monogamous, and there are high levels of mutual consent, comfort, and communication about sex with other people.
  • Partially open relationship: Mixed views on monogamy and lower levels of mutual consent, comfort, and communication.
  • One-sided relationship: One partner wants monogamy, while the other engages in sex with other people. There is low mutual consent and comfort and hardly any communication about sex outside the relationship.

The findings revealed that monogamous and consensual nonmonogamous groups appeared to have high functioning both in their relationships and as individuals.

In contrast, the partially open and one-sided relationship groups demonstrated lower levels of functioning.

Secrecy about sex with others can be ‘toxic’

There were reports of healthy relationships from both monogamous groups. These groups also featured some of the lowest levels of distress and loneliness.

Both monogamous groups and the consensual nonmonogamous group reported levels of distress and loneliness that were similarly low. In addition, these groups reported high levels of satisfaction relating to their needs, relationship, and sex.

Sexual sensation seeking was lowest in the monogamous groups and highest in the three nonmonogamous groups. Individuals in the nonmonogamous groups were also the most likely to report having a sexually transmitted infection.

Overall, the one-sided group had the highest proportion of people dissatisfied with their relationships. These individuals comprised 60% of the group — nearly three times as high as the proportions in the monogamous and consensual nonmonogamous groups.

The researchers caution that a limitation of their study was that they looked at a snapshot in time. Another study that used the same model but followed people over some time could come to different conclusions.

The bottom line of the findings appears to be that, regardless of the type of open relationship, without mutual consent, comfort, and communication, sex outside the relationship can be felt as betrayal and can put an enormous strain on the couple.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Handle Sexual Problems

(And Get Your Sex Life Back On Track)

by Bonnie Evie Gifford

The results are in: we’re officially having less sex than ever – but not through choice. Could our trouble discussing our sexual worries be getting in the way of having a good time?

Sex. It’s not something we really talk about as a nation, is it? For many of us Brits, talking about sex is right up there with discussing our finances and actually confronting queue jumpers instead of tutting angrily. Somehow, sex has been relegated to something we don’t talk about in polite company. Why is that? Sex is great!

According to researchers from the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, our decline in having sex isn’t because we’re feeling less inclined to have a little quality alone time with our partner(s). Half of women and nearly two-thirds of men would like to be having more sex, but due to our busy schedules, stress, and feelings of exhaustion, we just aren’t making it a priority.

Could we be unwittingly missing out on the health benefits of regular sexual release, and could our reluctance to speak about of sex-related worried be making things seem that much more scary?

The benefits of sex – it’s more than just gratification

Don’t just take my word for it – science has been proving the benefits of a healthy sex life for years. According to the NHS, sexual arousal is good for your heart, penetrative sex can act as a stress buster, plus other forms of orgasms can help you feel more relaxed in similar ways to exercise or meditation.

The feel-good hormones released during sex can also temporarily help reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression. The increase in physical activity that often comes with intimate relations can also help you to get a better night’s sleep, particularly if you orgasm as this releases prolactin (a hormone that makes you sleepier).

Sexual arousal and orgasm can also boost your oxytocin (the hormone that helps you feel connected to your partner) whilst lowering cortisol (a stress-related hormone). It’s a win-win. Sex just once or twice a week can help you fend off illness and boost your immune system, whilst those who have sex report a better sense of wellbeing and feeling healthier.

Doing the deed isn’t the only part of sexual relations that can benefit us. Hugging can help lower your heart rate and blood pressure, not to mention the benefits of feeling loved and supported; according to one study of 10,000 men, those who felt “loved and supported” faced a reduced risk of angina regardless of age and blood pressure.

Being single doesn’t have to present a problem. Masturbating can release the same feel-good hormones we benefit from with others, along with the added benefit of allowing us to better explore our own bodies, helping us figure out what we do (and don’t) like. Studies have even suggested a little solo fun can help you improve your body image.

The benefits don’t stop there. For men, more frequent ejaculation has seen evidence of decreased chances of a prostate cancer diagnosis before 70. For women, the benefits can be even greater. Sexual activity has shown to help relieve menstrual cramps, improve fertility, help strengthen pelvic muscles and vaginal lubrication, decrease incontinence, and even protect against endometriosis.

Encountering sexual problems

Sexual problems can affect anyone, at any time, regardless of age, sexual preferences, or experiences. Nearly half a million of us are diagnosed with an STI each year. Only one in three of us are satisfied with our sex lives, with nearly a fifth of us experiencing a different sex drive from our partners that we feel has put a strain on our relationships.

The Let’s Talk About Sex report revealed that one in three UK adults have experienced a sexual problem. It may not feel like it, but we aren’t alone. Sexual problems are more common than we may realise. What’s important is recognising when we encounter an issue that we need to talk, find out more, or seek support with.

5 common sexual problems (and how to handle them)

1. Decreasing sex drive and impotence

A loss of libido or decreased desire for sex can be particularly common for women during certain times in their lives. If you are feeling depressed, are pregnant or recently gave birth, these can all be common factors that may affect your sex drive.

Other psychological or physical factors can affect men and women. Diabetes, hormone disorders, depression, tiredness, as well as addiction (drug or alcohol) are all issues that can lead to a loss of libido. Relationship problems or past sexual experiences can also impact your desire for intercourse.  

While a decrease in sexual desire isn’t necessarily a cause for concern, if you are worried it may be affecting your relationship, causing disappointment, arguments, or even leaving you feeling like you may be drifting apart, it could be time to seek help.

Psychosexual therapy offers the chance to speak with a specially trained therapist who can help you explore and overcome sexual dysfunctions. Knowledgeable in a wide range of sexual problems with individuals of all ages, a psychosexual counsellor can help you to better recognise your sexual needs and desires, working through negative thoughts that may be affecting your ability to enjoy sex and intimacy.

Relationship counselling can be another form of talking therapy that can help you and your partner(s) to explore how you are communicating physically and verbally. Helping you to identify areas which may be affecting your ability to feel safe, relaxed, and able to enjoy sex, relationship counselling can help you to become more aware of each other’s needs, working together to find a solution that fits.

Talking therapies aren’t the only options to help handle your sex drive. Yoga can have a surprising benefit on not only your health and sense of wellbeing, but also on your sex drive. According to one study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, regular yoga practice can improve women’s levels of sexual desire. The study revealed 75% of participants sex lives improved significantly, particularly for women in their 40s and older.

If stress, anxiety, or depression is affecting your sex drive, hypnotherapy may be able to help. A clinical hypnotherapist may be able to help you handle related symptoms, as well as improve your confidence or sense of self-worth. Hypnotherapy can help some people connect with their subconscious mind, addressing events or issues that may be affecting their mood, self-esteem, or enjoyment in life.

What we eat can be something we overlook when it comes to considering our overall health and wellbeing. If stress may be affecting your sex drive, it could be worth considering what you’re eating.

Nutritionists can offer natural, healthy, simple tips and advice for how we can reduce our stress levels through our eating habits. Remembering to eat regularly, keep refined carbs for treats, and include enough protein in our diets can all have a surprising impact on how we are feeling.

If you are concerned about potential erectile dysfunction or impotence, speaking with your GP can be the first step towards finding the option that works for you. Visiting a sexual health clinic can also provide the same treatment you would recive with your GP, with most offering walk-in services and quicker results.

Common in men over 40, this is usually nothing to worry about, however, if the issue persists, your GP is the best port of call. Most frequently due to stress, anxiety, tiredness, or how much you drink, erection problems can also be caused by physical or emotional problems.

2. Sex addiction

While people have joked about being nymphomaniacs and sex addicts for quite some time, the World Health Organisation (WHO) has only recently accepted sex addiction as a recognised mental health condition. Also known as compulsive sexual behaviour, many experts hope that this official recognition will help dispel the shame and worry that may be stopping individuals from seeking help and support.

But how do you know if you are a sex addict? And how do you begin seeking support? Counsellor and Vice Chair of the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity (ATSAC), Ian Baker, explains how identifying sex addiction isn’t as simple as assessing how much porn you watch, or how frequently you masturbate.

“You don’t just say you’re a sex addict because you watch an hour of porn a day. I’m not here to say masturbation is wrong, or fetishes are wrong, because someone’s sexual identity is important.

“It’s how it is affecting other parts of your life. Are you dropping friends? Are you not picking up your kids because of this? Are you using it to manage low mood or anxiety? [Speaking with a counsellor and gaining a diagnosis] isn’t walking in and saying ‘you’re sleeping with sex workers – you’re a sex addict.’”

Signs of sex addiction can include frequently seeking casual sex, having multiple affairs, excessively using pornography, experiencing feelings of guilt after sex, obsessive thoughts around sex or planning sexual encounters.

If you are concerned about how your relationship with sex, masturbation or pornography is impacting other areas of your life, there are a number of different places you can turn for help.

Working with a psychosexual therapist or a relationship counsellor can help you to better identify, accept and change behaviours that may be affecting other areas of your life. Psychosexual therapy (also known as sex therapy) can help you improve physical intimacy with your partner; manage sexual difficulties; identify physical, psychological, emotional, or situational causes of sexual issues.

If you have recognised you have a problem and are seeking to make positive changes, working with a hypnotherapist for sex addiction can be another option. Helping you to change the thought patterns and behaviours that may be causing you problems, a clinical hypnotherapist will use the power of suggestion to help you alter how you think and react to certain situations.

Taking into consideration your potential triggers, past experiences and lifestyle, your hypnotherapist can tailor your sessions to you, helping you break out of the negative cycle you have become caught up in.

3. Premature ejaculation

Coming too quickly (known as rapid or premature ejaculation) is a common ejaculation problem. While there is no standard or right length of time for sex to last, one study revealed the average time it takes for a man to ejaculate after beginning penetrative intercourse is around five and a half minutes.

Common causes of problems with ejaculation can include depression, stress, anxiety about performance, and relationship problems, as well as physical issues such as recreational drugs, prostate or thyroid problems.

International guidelines say regularly coming within one minute of entering your partner is considered to be premature ejaculation. While studies have found that premature ejaculation can have any impact on all parties involved, it’s worth noting that there isn’t a right or wrong way to achieve mutual sexual gratification. It’s completely up to you (and your partner) to find what you are happy with. If the time taken to come is causing you distress or emotional turmoil, it could be worth seeking advice.

Speaking with your GP can help you to identify and treat potential physical and underlying conditions. Your GP may be able to offer medication options such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), though they may suggest you try self-help options first.

If you are unsure about seeking professional advice, there are a number of self-help options you can also try (though speaking with an expert is always advised). Self-help options can include:

  • Switching to thick condoms to decrease sensation
  • Masturbating up to two hours before intercourse
  • Taking breaks during sex to distract yourself and prolong the experience

Couples therapy can be another option for those in a long-term relationship. A therapist can help you work towards improving your communication, speaking openly about issues that may be causing you stress or distress, as well as helping you to become more mindful in the moment.  

Another complementary option that studies have shown may help includes acupuncture. Using fine needles to balance the energy levels within your body, acupuncture can be used to help treat sexual performance, reduce stress and balance hormone levels. Techniques can also be used to prolongue sexual performance and boost your sex drive.

4. Pain during sex

Feeling pain or discomfort during or after sex is most often a sign that something is wrong and shouldn’t be ignored. This pain may be caused by an infection, illness, physical or psychological problem. If you are experiencing pain or discomfort, it’s important to speak with your GP or visit a sexual health clinic.

For women, changing hormone levels during the menopause can cause new vaginal dryness in a third of women that may lead to pain, as well a uncomfortable hot flushes, trouble sleeping, and other symptoms. Hormone replacement therapy (HRT) or SSRIs may be two options your may offer. Trying over the counter lubricants and moisturising creams from pharmacies may also help.

For men, pain during sex (also known as dyspareunia) is less common, but may occur during or after ejaculation. As causes can be physical or psychological, it is always worth checking with a medical professional before trying complimentary or alternative therapies. Hypnotherapy for pain management can help some individuals change their thought patterns surrounding pain, helping them to perceive pain in a different way.

Life coach and podcaster Ben Bidwell, better known as The Naked Professor, shares his own experiences with dyspareunia.

5. Boredom or differing libidos

Feeling bored in the bedroom or having vastly different libidos can have a significant impact on both our relationships and sense of wellbeing. Differing sex drives can lead to partners feeling guilty that they may not be satisfying their other half, or worry that their partner no longer finds them attractive.

Counsellor Graeme recommends speaking with your partner as one of the best courses of action.  “Talking to your partner about your relationship and the sexual side is very important. If [you] don’t discuss how [you’re] feeing, then misunderstandings inevitably appear as you assign thoughts and feelings to your partner.

“It can be difficult to talk about, but in the long run being honest bout how you feel is going to allow you to be clear about what can and cannot change. It’s important to recognise that there is an element of reality that you can’t change. Libido is another part that needs to be integrated into the relationship, and will require negotiation and compromise.

“While relationship counselling and visiting health care professionals can be useful, remember that it is your relationship so only you and your partner will know what it is like to be in that relationship ad how it can work. Outsides can help when it is difficult to talk to each other, but they cannot decide what is right for you.”

If you are worried that your differing libidos may be causing problems, there are a number of natural ways to increase your sex drive. One option, herbalism, can help you regain your balance, counteract illness and stress (both of which can affect your libido). Tracking what you eat can also help you to counter signs of stress, improve blood flow, and promote the release of endorphins.

Try eating more almonds and walnuts to increase your mineral intake and help combat stress, or switch your regular sweet treats for dark chocolate. Containing phenylethylamine, this amino acid promotes the release of endorphins and can help naturally boost your libido.

Making sure you’re getting enough sleep can also help to increase your sex drive. Try exchanging massages with your partner; this can not only help ease tension and lower stress levels, but can help you to feel closer to each other and may act as a simple catalyst for more frisky activities.

Worried boredom and routine may be settling into your bedroom romps? Counsellor Jo explains why and how sexual boredom can occur, and what you can do to get past it. Sex and relationship psychotherapist, Thomas, explains more about sexual desire and the search for ourselves in relationships.

“Sexual desire doesn’t happen in isolation. We live in a highly sexualised culture, yet more and more people are unhappy with their sex lives and are unsure what to do about it.

“It’s difficult and confusing to be present and always in touch with our true self. It’s an ongoing discovery between who you are, who you think you should be, and who you want to become.

“Sexual desire is an aspect of a person’s sexuality. It varies significantly from one person to another, and also varies depending on circumstances as a particular time. It’s constantly moving and complex. It can be aroused through imagination and sexual fantasies, or perceiving an individual that one finds attractive.

“Sexual desire can shift from intensely positive, to neutral, to intensely negative. It’s normal for our desire to go up and down at different times in our lives. The main issue is if this is causing you distress, that you are able to discuss it and find a way to reduce this distress.”

If you’re worried about a sex-related issue we haven’t covered above, check out these sex and intimacy questions, as answered by sex and relationship therapist Lohani Noor from the hit BBC Three show, Sex on the Couch. As well as answering questions, Lohani shares her three top tips for talking about sex with your partner.

For more information about relationship couselling and hypnotherapy for sexual problems, visit Counselling Directory or Hypnotherapy Directory now. Or if you’re on your PC, enter your location in the box below to find a qualified therapist near you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Cheating Doesn’t Have To Involve Sex To Count

By Erika W. Smith

Imagine you’re asleep next to your partner. But in the middle of the night, you wake up. You notice they’re facing away from you in bed, staring at their phone and smiling. A five-line response comes back. It’s from their ex. That’s right: they’ve been texting their ex all night.

If you’re anything like me (and I’m a jealous, possessive Scorpio, to be fair), you wouldn’t be happy. You might consider this cheating, even though it’s not physical. The text exchange could be harmless, but depending on what they’re chatting about, or how this chat is making them (or you) feel, you might consider it an emotional affair.

Psychology Today defines an emotional affair as “a relationship where the level of emotional intimacy is excessive and where the level of emotion invested in someone outside of the marriage infringes upon the intimacy between spouses or committed partners.” Importantly, it affects your relationship: “This extramarital emotional involvement replaces a couples’ intimacy and obviously, may drive a wedge between partners. This in turn, may very well create distance and a feeling of separation, alienation, and loneliness.”

Emotional affairs can be just as devastating as physical affairs. “In fact, these can be very intense relationships that can have a lot more damaging effects on the primary relationship than a sexual affair could,” Jean Fitzpatrick, LP, a premarital and marital therapist in NYC, previously told Refinery29.

Every relationship has different boundaries. Some people consider flirting cheating. Some people in open relationships are fine with their partners having sex with others, as long as they’re not emotionally involved. And some people in polyamorous relationships are fine with their partners dating and falling for others, but want to be kept informed. While it will vary depending on your specific situation, here are some common warning signs of an emotional affair.

You’re keeping information from your partner

If you instinctively keep information about interactions with a friend or crush from your partner, that’s a warning sign. “It’s not that you necessarily need to be telling your partner everything, like that you ran into an old friend on the street,” Fitzpatrick said. “But when you’re making the active decision to keep something from them, because you think they might have a negative reaction, then that points to a problem.”

You don’t mention your partner to your crush

Similarly, if you never mention your partner to your crush, that’s not a great sign, either. Basically, if you’re keeping secrets, something is up — even if you might not have realized it yet

You’re not prioritizing your relationship

If you’re putting more energy into your relationship with your crush than your relationship with your partner, it’s time to reassess. And if your partner seems like they’re putting more energy into a new friendship, you might want to talk to them about it.

You’re texting or messaging the other person… all the time

The rise of social media and dating apps have made emotional affairs much easier. It’s simpler than ever to friend an old flame on Facebook, and you can text someone all day (and all night) without your partner knowing.

You know it’s different from a friendship

You probably text your best friend often, maybe even more than your partner. That doesn’t mean you’re having an emotional affair with your BFF. When it’s an emotional affair, something just feels different, even if you can’t describe exactly what it is.

Something just feels “off”

According to Psychology Today, when an emotional affair is going on, “it’s no surprise that a person who has shared a certain degree of connection and intimacy with their spouse suddenly realizes that something just doesn’t feel right any longer. They may literally feel their partner pulling away from them, feel a partner’s preoccupation with something (someone) else, and may find it hard or impossible to connect intimately in the same way they once did.” Listen to your gut reaction and consider if you need to set some boundaries with your crush — or even come clean to your partner.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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‘It’s a human right’:

The campaign for learning disabled people’s love lives

Pam Bebbington and her husband, Mike. ‘Relationships are important because they give you a life companion,’ she says.

By

Care staff are being encouraged to support people to develop intimate relationships and enrich their emotional lives

Pam Bebbington met her husband, Mike, through a personal ad in her local paper. She’s been married for 21 years, and appreciates having a soulmate. “Relationships are important because they give you a life companion,” she says. “You can share things and cuddle up.”

But Bebbington, a consultant at self-advocacy charity My Life My Choice (MLMC), says many of her learning disabled peers struggle with relationships. “Finding the right person is hard. Parents and carers can get in the way and curfews [such as in supported housing], money and travelling all make it difficult.” She says care staff must “allow people to have a relationship and encourage them to do so”.

This is the aim behind the nationwide Supported Loving campaign MLMC is involved in, which offers practical advice on enabling people’s intimate and emotional lives. Research has shown that young people with a learning disability lack accessible sex education resources and only 3% of people with a learning disability live as a couple, compared with 70% of the general population.

Supported Loving originally began two years ago as a social media campaign. Since then it has grown according to demand, offering good practice resources developed by support organisations and people with learning disabilities, some of whom feature in videos used in training.

Claire Bates, Supported Loving founder, says the campaign’s ultimate aim is mandatory training in sex and relationships.

She believes supporting someone’s emotional and intimate needs should be par for the course in social care. “This shouldn’t be [in] the ‘too difficult’ pile,” she says. “People with learning disabilities are often so far away from having a sexual partner, they need support to meet someone first. We need to help people have meaningful friendships and from that will come a sexual relationship, if they want one.”

Supported Loving’s latest development is an online toolkit contributed to by a range of organisations, including family planning associations, care providers, specialist dating agencies, and staff working in relationship and sex education. There is practical advice on topics including contraception, sexual health, masturbation, online dating, LGBT relationships and sex workers.

There are also plans to publish a charter promoting the relationship rights of learning disabled people, which MLMC, Supported Loving and social inclusion charity National Development Team for Inclusion are developing.

One of the toolkit’s guides outlines how relationship support should be a vital part of a care professional’s role. The tips and examples, contributed by training organisation Paradigm, suggest staff receive face-to-face guidance on how to have conversations about and support people in exploring sexuality, love and relationships. There must be clear policies around relationships rather than incorporating this issue into safeguarding training. Staff must also not assume people lack the capacity to form loving bonds or have sexual relationships.

Such online guidance is available alongside quarterly meetings that take place across the country. These aim to discuss issues and share best practice on everything from sexual abuse to online dating, with participants including people with learning disabilities or autism, family members and professionals working in social care and health.

Supported Loving is also complemented by research at the Tizard Centre University of Kent (Bates is the project’s honorary research associate). Michelle McCarthy, the professor leading the work, says of social attitudes: “Historically we didn’t expect people with learning disabilities to have rich, emotional lives – as if they were somehow ‘other’, and if they were physically cared for that was enough. That attitude hasn’t entirely gone.”

McCarthy’s project, which included four advisers with learning disabilities, explored the views of 40 learning disabled adults and 40 family carers and support staff. The research has yet to be published but emerging findings illustrate the very specific barriers created by social care services. These include a lack of one-to-one support, restrictions about overnight visitors and safeguarding concerns.

McCarthy explains: “The way services are structured and run is that they themselves can be barriers to people. So if you’ve only got only a few staff you can’t offer people one-to-one support to go and meet someone to have a date.”

The comments from learning disabled people gathered by McCarthy and her researchers underline just how vital it is to achieve progress in this area. When asked about why relationships are important, one learning disabled participant replied: “Sometimes I get lonely and I think if I’ve got somebody who I could trust it would make me happier.”

As Bates says: “It is people’s human right to have a relationship. It shouldn’t be a ‘nice to have’, but something that adds value to people’s lives. We are social animals; if you don’t see someone in that way, then you don’t see them as human.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why You Should Start Your Day With Morning Sex

By Erika W. Smith

Back in 2004, Maroon 5 released “Sunday Morning,” a hit single all about the joys of having sex on, well, Sunday morning. Fast-forward thirteen years, and a 2017 study by British health and beauty retailer Superdrug confirmed what Maroon 5 already knew: the best time of the week to have sex is 9 a.m. on a Sunday morning. (If by “best” you mean “voted most popular in a survey of 2,000 Brits,” that is.)

There are many reasons why you should have morning sex — yes, even on weekdays. “Morning is one of my favourite times for sex. Whether or not there is an orgasm involved, it is a great way to begin the day,” Liz Goldwyn, founder of The Sex Ed, a multimedia platform for sex, health and consciousness education, tells Refinery29.

You’re at your best

Depending on how we spent our evenings, nighttime sex can be less than ideal. “Focusing sex as a highlight at the end of an evening or date isn’t always ideal — we may not be at our ‘freshest,’ whether we’ve consumed a big meal, alcohol, or are just tired from our day,” Goldwyn says.

Your body is ready

No matter your gender, all of us sometimes wake up with “morning wood” — an erect penis or clitoris. This is all thanks to your body’s changes during the REM changes of sleep. Waking up with an erect penis or clitoris doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re turned on… but hey, it might help you get there quicker.

Sex might feel better

Some studies suggest that sex may feel better in the morning because our testosterone levels are highest at the start of the day. We all have testosterone in our bodies, and this hormone plays a big role in how we experience sexual desire. And there’s an extra benefit for people with penises: studies have indicated that higher testosterone levels can improve erection strength and sexual function for them.

You’ll relieve stress

Sex is a proven stress-reliever, and can even help you start your day off feeling calmer, thanks to the chemicals dopamine and serotonin. Some people even use masturbation as one tool to help manage anxiety (though it’s not a cure-all).

You’ll be more productive at work

A 2017 showed that for around 24 hours after you have sex, you’re more productive at work. Researchers found that employees who had sex were not only in better moods, but also showed “more sustained work engagement and job satisfaction.”

Your immune system will get stronger

Some research indicates that morning sex can boost your immune system throughout the day by enhancing your IgA levels (that’s an antibody that protects against infection). Hey, anything to help stave off a cold.

You’ll feel connected to your partner

If you have a partner, having morning sex can help you bond. “Often in a partnership, we are busy and may have trouble finding time and energy to have sex that suits differing schedules and libidos. Knocking it out first thing in the morning leaves you both smiling during the workday,” Goldwyn says. “This can increase connection and intimacy, giving you more to look forward to later!”

You’ll start your day in a good mood

Sex just makes us feel good — and it’s not all about physical pleasure. We also experience increased levels of dopamine and oxytocin. As Lawrence Siegel, a clinical sexologist and certified sexuality educator, once told Refinery29, “An orgasm is a massive release of feel-good chemicals that leaves you in a meditative state of consciousness.”

BTW, all of these benefits (except for bonding with your partner) also apply to solo sex — so go ahead and place a fully-charged vibrator in your nightstand for easy access in the A.M

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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These 3 Qualities Better Equip You For Nonmonogamy

By Kelly Gonsalves

Open relationships are becoming increasingly popular, and with good reason: They allow people to connect with each other in ways that make sense for their real needs and lifestyles, removing monogamous expectations that don’t work for everybody and allowing for more ways of relating to each other. Even for those who are monogamous to the bone, the rising popularity of consensual nonmonogamy encourages all of us to think about what constitutes a satisfying relationship and then consciously create it from the ground up.

Of course, that doesn’t mean open relationships are right for everyone. A new study published in the Journal of Sex Research, in fact, suggests some couples might be more cut out for it than others are. After surveying 1,658 people in relationships, researchers found about 32% of them identified as being in nonmonogamous relationships. Of these nonmonogamous relationships, some were much more functional, healthy, and stable than others. These were the three qualities that set apart couples handling nonmonogamy well and those that weren’t:

  1. Mutual consent: Both partners agreed to being nonmonogamous, meaning they’d mutually decided they were both OK with each other sleeping with other people. 
  2. Ongoing communication: The partners talked openly and often about their sexual activity with others. That allowed for lots of respect and consideration for each other while pursuing sex elsewhere, and no secrets that could leave one person feeling betrayed or left out.
  3. Comfort: Beyond just consenting to it, both people want nonmonogamy. “If one partner felt coerced into agreeing to a nonmonogamous structure (potentially desiring monogamy but wanting to accommodate their partner’s desires for nonmonogamy) or simply felt less comfortable with a nontraditional relationship structure even after agreeing to it, then ongoing [sex with other people] could very likely lead to hurt feelings and jealousy,” the researchers explain in the paper on their findings.

The catch, of course, is that these three qualities are needed in all relationships⁠—whether nonmonogamous or not.

A monogamous relationship doesn’t work if both people don’t consent to being exclusive (consent), if they can’t talk to each other about their sexual needs (communication), and if both parties aren’t super into monogamy (comfort).

And yes, couples in open relationships are just as happy.

When the researchers compared monogamous couples and nonmonogamous couples who had all three traits, they were equally functioning and healthy. The members of both types of couples felt like their needs were being met, had low levels of both loneliness and psychological distress, and felt satisfied with the relationship. (In comparison, nonmonogamous couples with low levels of some or all three of the above traits were much less healthy, happy, and stable.)

The consensually nonmonogamous couples that did have all three traits were some of the longer relationships among all the couples being studied. The researchers believe this fact suggests that consensual nonmonogamy might even strengthen relationships, “offsetting the natural decay in quality” usually observed in traditional relationships. “Although the partners in these relationships have low interest in monogamy, are highly embracing of casual sex, [and] are actively seeking new sexual partners…they are doing this in a manner that maintains the quality and integrity of their primary relationships,” the researchers write.

So if you’re considering opening up your relationship, you now know exactly what qualities you’ll need to make it work: mutual consent, ongoing communication, and comfort. Here’s how to start up a conversation as a couple when you’re ready.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex Education Rally Reminds Teens “You Are Not Chewed Gum”

“There is no shame in having all the information possible.”

By Katelyn Burns

“You are not chewed gum,” read an art display featuring wads of gum, located in the shadow of the U.S. Capitol in Washington, D.C., unveiled on October 30 by advocates for science-based comprehensive sexual education. The display, organized by Advocates for Youth and Trojan, sought to push back on abstinence-only messaging that says sexually active youth are comparable to a chewed piece of gum for future partners.

The unveiling comes at a particularly crucial political moment for sexual and reproductive health. Earlier this summer news broke that the Trump administration had awarded $1.5 million in Teen Pregnancy Prevention Program funds to anti-choice organizations such as Obria and Bethany Christian Services. Additionally, some high-profile abstinence-only sex education activists have taken up prominent posts within the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, rebranding what has been commonly known as abstinence-only sex ed to the more vague “sexual risk avoidance.”

But according to advocates, no matter what these programs are called, they still paint normal human sexuality as inherently shameful. “We see [that] this one was a very common factor in a lot of schools: the idea that anybody who is sexually active, their worth is lessening and lessening every single time they engage in activity, which isn’t true whatsoever,” says Bukky, a 19-year-old student at Howard University and a member of Advocate for Youth’s International Youth Leadership Council in an interview with Teen Vogue.

According to the Guttmacher Institute, 10 states and Washington, D.C., require that only abstinence-only sex ed be taught in public high schools, while 29 other states require that abstinence-only be stressed within sex ed curricula. Just 17 states require medically accurate sex ed be taught in public schools. According to a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report, released in October, STI transmission rates for syphilis, gonorrhea, and chlamydia have hit an all-time high in the U.S.

Sexual health advocates say now is the time for action. “I have seen many times over the impact of shame-based abstinence only education,” says Logan Levkoff, a sexual health educator involved in the protest. “I think it has implications; tremendous implications for physical health, and certainly has implications for emotional health, and none of them are good implications. So to be a part of a program that is really saying abstinence only sexuality education and [sexual risk avoidance], as they’ve been rebranded, are setting our young people up to fail.”

The message of the day brought back memories for Bukky’s colleague on the International Youth Council, Ayanna, a 19-year-old student at George Washington University. “This really resonated with me because my sex education in North Carolina was just shaming, just all around,” she tells Teen Vogue. “We never talked about sex. So just the fact that sex is something that is pleasurable and, like, fun, and not something that, you know, necessarily has to be like a marriage for procreation. That’s a very heteronormative, cis perspective on it. We didn’t talk about… what sex can look like in different types of relationships with different genders. And we didn’t talk about anything related to gender expression. It’s just ‘don’t ask, don’t tell.’”

Former Disney Channel star Joshua Rush was also on hand to detail for Teen Vogue his own experience with sex ed in his home state of Texas, which requires abstinence-only sex ed be emphasized, and later in California, which requires medically accurate comprehensive sex ed. “I grew up [in Texas], and I know there’s different personal convictions in the way that people feel, and a lot of that comes from religion,” he says. “But the fact of the matter is that this isn’t a conversation about religion. This isn’t a conversation about culture. We’re not telling kids, ‘Hey, go out, have sex.’ We’re telling kids, ‘Hey, go out, and have the information that you need. If you choose to make that decision.’ There is no shame in having all the information possible. There is a problem when people don’t have the right information.”

Ayanna frames the issues surrounding sex ed as a “concoction of terrible decision-making” centering [on] adult hang-ups with sex. According to her, sex ed needs to match up with the reality adolescents are facing today.

“We know that high schoolers and even some middle schoolers are out here making pretty adult decisions because of the circumstances that they’re in,” says Ayanna. “So instead of trying to shelter them and coddle them and to give them, like, this sweet sugarcoated birds and the bees, we have to be real and honest because we know what young people are doing. So why not? And they’re gonna do it anyway. So why not make them prepared and safe so that they can live full lives and not be shamed to be who they are and engage in practices that they want to with consent with other people?”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How To Boost Your Sex Life While Looking After Your Mental Health

by Bonnie Evie Gifford

We’d all like a bit more passion between the sheets (and on the streets, if that’s what does it for you), but can you give your sex life a boost without risking your overall wellbeing?

Going through a dry spell. Having a crisis of confidence. Just feeling plain ol’ frumpy, fed-up, and unsexy. It happens to us all at some point or another (well, unless you’re some kind of fabulous, self-loving, body-confident kind of person who rarely has an off day – in which case, please tell us your secrets).

The thing is, when things feel bad, it’s easy to fall into a shame spiral, for your thoughts to automatically become more negative, and to allow self-sabotaging, defeatist thinking to rule. Worrying about a little thing like your sex life can feel trivial when there are so many other things to be concerned about – it shouldn’t be a priority… right?

Sex isn’t just fun, it’s good for you. Sex is good for your heart, the closeness that comes with sexual encounters can help lower your blood pressure, decrease stress, and even fend off illness. Studies have shown that those who have more sex report feeling healthier than those who don’t.

We share seven ways you can boost your sex life while still putting your mental health first.

1. Identify your stressors

Why is it you feel your sex life needs a boost right now? What is it that is causing you to feel dissatisfied. Identifying the cause (or causes) of your negative feelings around your sex life (be those feelings of anxiety, worry, stress, or dissatisfaction) can help you to uncover any underlying problems.

Stress can be a major factor in our overall sense of health and wellbeing. If you’re worried stress or work-related anxiety may be affecting other areas of your life, try these 10 simple ways to tackle stress right now, or discover how you can beat back to work anxiety (and stop it taking over your free time).

By taking the time to sit back and ask yourself these kinds of big questions, you can begin to reveal if there are any areas of your life that need addressing. We all experience periods of work-related stress, relationship worries, and ill mental health or wellbeing during our lives.

Acknowledging that you are struggling is the first step towards seeking help and support – be that of loved ones, or a professional. Through fixing what is really causing you disruption and discomfort, you may begin to see a positive impact on other areas of your life.

2. Acknowledge your libido

Throughout your lifetime, your sex drive will fluctuate. It’s completely natural to go through periods where you experience less sexual desire than others, for both men and women. It’s ok to not be feeling it.

If you are experiencing other relationship issues, stress, depression or exhaustion, it’s worth noting that all of these can all be contributing factors to a lower libido.

If you’re worried, it can be worth speaking with your GP, checking out NHS inform’s advice, or talking with a psychosexual therapist. Sex therapists are qualified counsellors who have extra training to help with sex-related difficulties or concerns, and can help you feel more intimate with your partner, as well as exploring new ways to help you feel more comfortable.

Working with a hypnotherapist can also help decrease any embarrassment or nerves that may be affecting your libido, encourage you to reframe your thoughts, regain confidence, and even manage menopause symptoms.

As counsellor Graeme explains, having different libidos doesn’t have to negatively impact your relationship.

“In most relationships the sexual drive or libido is different in the partners. Of course, often when we start a relationship it feels like it will last forever; you can hardly keep your hands off each other; you are both very ready to have a sexual relationship; you seem to share the same level of desire and have a great time together. Of course this honeymoon period rarely lasts forever, and as the levels of hormones drop back to more normal levels we settle down into the day to day existence of being a couple. Each of us returns to our normal libido.

“All too often this can affect the relationship; the partner with the greater sex drive can feel rejected, or that the couple has fallen out of love. All of these are a reflection of them trying to make sense of the different drives.

“Talking to your partner about your relationship and the sexual side is very important. If the couple don’t discuss how they feel then misunderstandings inevitably appear as you assign thoughts and feelings to your partner. It can be difficult to talk about, but in the long run being honest about how you feel is going to allow you to be clear about what can and cannot change.

“It’s important to recognise that there is an element of reality that you can’t change. [Their libido] is another part of them that needs to be integrated into the relationship and will require negotiation and compromise.

“Mismatched libido is a relatively common problem in relationship counselling and couples can get past it and have fantastic long-term loving relationships by being honest, talking about it, and finding creative solutions that celebrate both partners’ needs and the whole relationship they have.

3. Make small changes to your environment

Your bedroom doesn’t just affect how you sleep – it can also have a surprising impact on your sex life. Creating a more relaxing, calming environment can help you to relax, gain higher quality rest, improve your sleep, and feel less distracted. As one nutritionist explains,

“Lack of sleep massively affects our hormones and daily lives. We are less able to deal with mental or physical stress, our metabolism can slow down, sex hormones are disrupted, and we can get cranky or distracted easily.

Removing your phone from the bedroom can help avoid one of the biggest passion killers – phubbing. If you ever find yourself scrolling, clicking on notifications, or automatically opening up Insta when you could be spending some quality time with the one you love, this could be a sign that social media is affecting your relationship and you may need to get control of your scroll. Find out more about the benefits of taking a break from your phone, and how sleep get help increase your sex drive.

4. Remember: confidence is sexy

Paris Hilton is quoted as having said “No matter what a woman looks like, if she’s confident, she’s sexy.” Is that really true? Can our confidence influence how sexy we feel?

Confidence and self-belief comes from our positive thinking, relationships, and friendships. It can affect your mood, behaviour, and even how you carry yourself. When we have low self-confidence, our negative self opinions can affect other aspects of our lives, from relationships to our careers.

If we can’t believe in ourselves, why should anyone else? Yet changing our own negative self-view can feel impossible. NLP Coach Vicki explains how working with a life coach can help boost your confidence and self-belief,

“Once you start to notice your self-talk and your self-language you will soon come to realise that you are self-sabotaging. Becoming aware of your self-sabotaging thoughts and language will allow you to realise the damage you are creating, you can then replace with self-praising thoughts and language.”

Counsellor Wendy explains how you can begin stepping outside of your comfort zone and improve your confidence.

5. Rediscover foreplay and rekindle intimacy

If you’re in a long-term realtionship, improving your sex life often starts with working on your relationship. Lulls in desire and the frequency of sexual acts can become more common when you are with someone for a longer period of time.

Focusing on improving the quality of your relationship and increasing your sense of intimacy can help you to feel closer to one another, whilst resparking feelings of desire. Planning date nights together, practising open communication, setting aside quality time together, or doing activities outside of the bedroom can all help.

Bringing the focus back to foreplay, over the main act itself can help to increase both your desire and libido. Spending time together touching, kissing, or just being close with each other can all act as ways in which you can feel closer, helping you each to focus on the here and now.

6. Ditch nasty habits

We’ve all had that one (or more) bad habit that we know we should kick, but we just… haven’t gotten around to it yet. But what if your habit is having a bigger impact than you may realise?

According to one study, smoking is one of our biggest turn-offs in the bedroom, with over half (59%) of Brits agreeing. More than a quarter of us have considered ending a relationship due to our partner’s smoking habits.

Quitting bad habits like smoking or excessive drinking can increase your energy levels, improve your immune system, and increase your life expectancy. Hypnotherapy, behavioural therapy, group therapy, and telephone counselling for smoking are all options that can offer a supportive, expert environment to help you change your habits for the better.

Looking after yourself through addressing addictions and practising self-care can help boost your sense of wellbeing and encourage you to start reprioritising the things that matter most in your life.

7. Come together outside of the bedroom

Increasing your passion in the bedroom may be the end result, but it doesn’t have to be the sole focus. By addressing your overall intimacy, you can feel more relaxed, closer to the ones you love, and more able to open up and share.

Emotional intimacy and closeness is key to having a more fulfilling partnership. It can help you to better meet your partner’s needs, as well as communicate your own.

Holding hands, hugging, or touching more can all help release more oxytocin, allowing you to feel calmer, less stressed, and closer. Research has shown hugs can have a huge range of benefits, from protecting us against illnesses to boosting our overall health, happiness and sense of wellbeing.

Creating quality time in your busy schedules to be together can be a great first step towards putting your partnership first, and reaffirming with each other how important you are. While life’s stresses and strains may continue to get in the way, nurturing our relationships with the ones we love is vital in showing them how much we care for and appreciate them.

If you are concerned your mental health may be affecting your overall sense of health and wellbeing, it’s important to reach out and seek help. Contact your GP to find out what help is available in your local area or call Samaritans on 116 123 to speak to someone 24/7.

To find more sex and relationship help and support, visit Counselling Directory. Or discover how hypnotherapy and life coaching can help improve your confidence and self-esteem.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Not Sexually Compatible With Your Partner?

Here’s How To Work On It.


By Caroline Colvin

A couple’s compatibility doesn’t hinge on just one thing. Compatibility takes into account a couple’s habits, interests, attraction, and the effort both partners are willing to put into their relationship (among so many other factors). Sex is one important part of an even bigger compatibility “whole,” but it’s not everything, nor is it the most important part of a relationship for every couple. Nevertheless, a healthy sex life is a priority for some, and if you feel like you’re not sexually compatible with your partner, you might feel a little discouraged. But don’t panic, your relationship isn’t doomed. There are a few solutions you and your partner can consider to help make your sexual relationship work.

Dr. Carol Queen, staff sexologist at sex toy company Good Vibrations, explains that sexual incompatibility tends to become an issue because of the taboo around sex. If you and your partner don’t talk about sex openly and comfortably before you become super committed, you might not even realize how different your sexual tastes are.

“We talk about sex like there’s a ‘normal’ baseline. There isn’t!” Queen tells Elite Daily. “As long as we’re not imposing on someone else coercively or non-consensually, we all have a right to our sexuality. It’s not a problem that we’re different. It’s a problem that we don’t understand that’s one element of partner compatibility to consider.”

Queen recommends three possible solutions: taking care of your sexual satisfaction through masturbation, opening up your relationship so you can see other people with whom you’re more sexually compatible, or asking your partner to work on becoming more compatible with you. “The most effective way to do this is probably to see a sex therapist together, though there are other things you can do instead if that isn’t an option,” Queen says.

For starters, she recommends not having this conversation while in bed. “Do it over a quiet dinner, a glass of wine — but not a lot of glasses. This isn’t a good mix with inebriation, or on a walk. Don’t spring the conversation on them,” Queen says. “Ask for some of their time to discuss something important.”

Then, let your partner know that it doesn’t seem like you two are a perfect fit in terms of your desires. For example, this could be a matter of your partner having kinky tastes while you prefer something a little more traditional, or vice versa. Your dissatisfaction might stem from the fact that your partner might not be able to help you orgasm, or perhaps they have a lower sex drive than you. There could be several reasons you feel this incompatibility. Tell your partner how you feel and then ask them what they think.

You might find that they agree with you and are willing to work on your sexual compatibility together. This starts with honest communication about your sexuality, including boundaries and priorities. According to Queen, one concrete way to approach this is by sitting down with your partner and creating individual “Yes, No, Maybe” lists. In the “Yes” category, you would write down all the things you already know you like and want to make a regular part of your sex life. In the “Maybe” category, you would write the things you’d be willing to try. And finally, in the “No” category, you would write the things you don’t want to do. From there, you and your SO would avoid everything on your “No” lists, and work to find common ground on the “Yes” and “Maybe” lists.

“If you and your partner can talk openly about these kinds of things, you can pretty likely find a sweet spot of activities you both enjoy,” says Queen.

If you find that you or your partner have one non-negotiable turn-on or kink that the other refuses to try, try not to panic. Queen admits this isn’t an “easy fix,” and describes the situation as one that has “led many couples to therapy, to open their relationships, or to even break up.” Nevertheless, “if you can communicate clearly and lovingly about your differences, you have a head start,” she says. Talk it out to work it out.

Ultimately, whether it’s the sex you’re having now or something new you try out in the future, make sure you’re having sex because you want to. You should never feel like you need to have a type of sex that you don’t want to just to keep a partner, Queen says.

If you and your SO are interested in opening your relationship, Queen says you’ll “need to make sure you are caught up on your communication skills, can handle jealousy, time management, and all the things you need to be good at to successfully have an open relationship or a polyamorous one.”

A book many sexperts (Queen included) recommend is Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton. “I promise you the book is wise and worthwhile,” Queen says. You can also sit down with your partner and make “Yes, No, Maybe” lists for polyamorous relationships too.

Talking about sex can be tough. It’s why you might find yourself dating someone long-term who you’re not sexually compatible with. You and your partner might need some time to process the discussion, especially if it was difficult on you, and that’s OK.

If after you have this discussion “your partner just won’t hear you and denies what you’re saying and experiencing, that’s a red flag,” says Queen. “In a situation like this, therapy is called for. Breaking up might even be called for. If a partner denies your perspective is even real, and does not commit to work on the relationship, you may not be in a situation that can be improved.”

It might feel like a serious bummer, but try to remember that you deserve a happy, healthy sex life, and if your partner’s not willing give that to you, you shouldn’t be afraid to find someone who will.

No matter what you and your partner end up doing, it’s important that you talk through your issues. Queen says that not talking about them can prompt problematic relationship behaviors, like affairs or faking pleasure. Talking to your partner isn’t a 100% guarantee that all of your problems in the bedroom will be solved, but it’s a start, and it’s also one solid, brave, healthy step you can take to work on your relationship before calling it quits all together.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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I Went to Sex School, and So Should You

I thought I knew it all, but I quickly realized we learn little about our own pleasure

by Kaitlin Fontana, Chatelaine

“You go up and down, and stuff comes out,” Luna Matatas says to the camera while stroking a dildo that looks like a very realistic penis. Matatas is a Toronto-based sex and pleasure educator, and she’s talking about how most people think about hand jobs. She will spend the next hour disabusing me of that notion. Or rather, deepening it: Hand jobs are not just about going up and down, and stuff coming out. They’re not just about foreplay, or at least they don’t have to be. And they’re not just about making someone with a penis have an orgasm, though they can be. They’re also—maybe especially—about the person giving the hand job. Seriously.

I’m watching Matatas’ “10 Tips for Hotter Handjobs” tutorial, which lives on the pleasure-education website O.school, and it’s much more than the video version of a Cosmo headline. It’s part instruction, part commiseration, part therapy. I will laugh. I will be humbled. I will find my erotic centre in the act of a hand job.

O.school is an online, sex-positive sex-ed platform that includes more than 300 videos (and dozens of articles) and could best be described as a thorough post-secondary education in the arts and acts of pleasure, including biology, psychology and philosophy. O.school was founded in 2017 by Andrea Barrica, a queer woman who had spent seven years working in San Francisco’s start-up scene and who raised more than US$1 million from investors to launch the site. It has since amassed a significant video library on topics as varied as choosing a dildo, dating after divorce, healing from sexual trauma and putting stuff in your butt (among many other subjects). All tutorials are taught by experienced instructors (a.k.a. “pleasure professionals”) who have been vetted by Barrica and her team, including medical professionals, sex educators and counsellors. Did I mention the site’s offerings are free?

There is a sizable gap between the sparse sex ed of youth and the experiential sex-ed of adulthood, and gaps always threaten to turn into vacuums if unfilled. The sex ed most of us get is about the drawbacks of sex—scary all-caps phrases: UNWANTED PREGNANCY! DISEASE! DEATH! A BAD REPUTATION! But what if we had also been taught about sex’s vast landscape of pleasures?

How much time would we have saved ourselves? How much would we have gained? What would our sexual selves be like now if we had spent as much time learning that the clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings as we did learning about chlamydia?

Quite simply: O.school is online sex school, with a focus on the pleasure you derive from sex as opposed to its potential dangers. And it’s unlike anything else that currently exists in the realm of adult sexual education.

In the 1999 Alexander Payne film Election, high school senior Tracy Flick, played by Reese Witherspoon, is an overachieving, pushy candidate for student council president with a profusion of extracurriculars.

In 1999, I was 16. I was student council president. And president of the drama club. I had a key to the school, as Tracy does. But there was an important distinction. In Election, Tracy is f-cking her math teacher (and, she thinks, is in love with him). I wasn’t f-cking anyone…yet. Except myself, and barely. In the dark living room, under a blanket, to Scully and/or Mulder, on Sundays between 9 and 10 p.m. Mountain Standard Time, only.

Twenty years later and I’m still Tracy Flick-ish, but in another way: I am the Tracy Flick of Sex (Tracy F-ck? Sorry). I’m sexually smart, capable, capacious; I make plans and schedules. I get up early to do it. I stay up late. I pack a sensible bag. I do it with many, many people (see my series on non-monogamy). I am extracurricularly dedicated to the pursuit of carnal knowledge (by day, I am a writer and director of TV and lm). I am borderline arrogant about my level of dedication. I am proudly slutty, I know it, and so will you.

So when I stumbled across O.school while on an Internet deep dive about squirting (as one does), I thought it was a cool idea that I didn’t need. What could the Tracy Flick of Sex have to learn from an online sex school? As it turns out, more than I might have thought—and it made me realize that most adult women could benefit from some sexual re-education.

I grew up in the public school system of the 1990s. Sex ed amounted to a few hours, divided by binary gender, in a beige classroom. Mine was taught by a well-meaning but deeply desexualized public health nurse who coughed with Freudian realization when one of the projector slides said “Pubic Health Nurse” under her name.

Because of videos shown in my grade 7 classroom, I knew how my period worked with clinical accuracy; I didn’t know the joys of period sex until I started having it.

Enter O. school.

“If you go to Reddit [for sex ed], it can be abusive. On YouTube, there’s millions of videos but they’re not curated,” says Barrica, who grew up in a Filipino Catholic home and is a victim not just anemic sex ed but abstinence-based obliteration. “I got the fear-based, shame-based stuff,” she says. “You’re this perfect white flower. And when you have sex, you mash the flower, and you’re never going to be the same.” Barrica started O.school to close the gap that she herself faced.

What Barrica and her team have done is not revelatory on its face: Other sex- and pleasure-ed sites exist, though most favour articles over video content. OMGyes, another California-based start-up, which launched with a lot of fanfare in 2015, is the only close analogue to O.school in terms of extensive video content. It uses anecdotal, direct-to-camera interviews with women about their own first-hand experiences of pleasure as a form of education-by-conversation. This can be informative, certainly, but it also means you’re only hearing from one woman—who is not a pleasure educator—about why she specifically likes what she likes.

OMGyes also features some explicit content in the form of demonstrations, which show real women’s anatomy in close-up; it also offers a touch-screen stimulator so you can test out the methods of pleasure you hear women describing on an onscreen vulva. However, OMGyes costs $59 per season of content, and it’s surprisingly heteronormative and relationship-centric for 2019—we’re largely talking about straight, cis, committed sex here.

O.school is different. To start, it’s “exclusively inclusive,” says Robin Milhausen, a Canadian sexologist who has no affiliation with the site. “It’s totally inclusive related to sexual and gender identities. And it’s trauma-informed, taking into account people’s experiences.” This means that O.school has taken pains to exclude nudity and to present information in a way that doesn’t assume everyone is approaching pleasure ed from a place of complete acceptance (for example, if someone has been raped and is trying to rediscover their body, certain depictions of frank sex, or nudity, can be triggering).

O.school is also made for everyone to learn about their own pleasure on their own terms, from a basis of science, no matter their relationship type, body or gender. Or, importantly, age. “A lot of the YouTube sex educators are younger,” says Milhausen. At O.school, on the other hand, many instructors appear to be in at least their 30s, which may be more appealing to women in that demographic and beyond.

Milhausen, who considers sex a matter of academic importance even more than I do, is truly impressed by the site. “There’s never been a better time to be a sexual being, because there’s never been more information available, for free, and it’s so accessible. There’s a community for everyone,” she says, “so sometimes the amount of information can be overwhelming, which is why a website like O.school—which has really strong, vetted information—is helpful.”

As a brand, O.school wants to be the first place you think to look when you wonder about pleasure, because you trust its teachers to steer you right, just as you know to search, say, IMDb for factual information about films (such as what year Election came out). Barrica’s eventual goal is to provide pleasure education to a billion people; it’s a lofty aim, and she won’t divulge the number of current O.school users to put that in perspective. Right now, however, she just wants to make space for quality, zero-judgment pleasure-not-just-sex ed.

Indeed, while watching O.school videos like “Buttstravaganza,” I felt gratitude that the fledgling Flicks of today could take ownership and power over their own bodies. For me, it was a lot of teenage, pre-Internet fumbling toward ecstasy (the first time I came on my own fingers, my horror was Carrie-bleeding-in-the-shower level intense). I didn’t really learn about my own body and sexuality until I started meeting cool, queer, sex-positive pals in university for whom sexuality was more than just f-cking—it was political, radical, about bodily autonomy. It’s no coincidence that that’s what O.school’s instructors come across as: Trusted friends, who know not just their own bodies but many other people’s bodies as well. They embrace the empowerment that comes from sharing knowledge within and outside of their communities.

Most importantly, it’s funny and fun, like a great conversation with a very smart friend. I often fancy myself that smart friend. But I needed to be sure. Hence, “10 Tips for Hotter Handjobs,” my gateway video.

I watched as Matatas lifted the dildo up and coated it in silicone-based lube (best for prolonged contact, as it isn’t absorbed as quickly as water-based). She gripped the shaft with her left hand and, with a smile, held the fingers of her right hand on the tip of the dildo and drew them downward. Her fingers looked like the legs of a jellyfish stretching down to push off—if a jellyfish was hanging out on a giant sea penis. In other words, this technique looked ridiculous. But, she said, the jellyfish was an amazing sensation for the ultra-sensitive penis head.

My Flickian brain couldn’t deal. “That move?” I balked. I was dubious. So, like any good student, I eld-tested it.

“I am doing this for research,” I told my lab partner, who I will call V. “Of course,” he said. I gripped his lubed-up shaft with my left hand and drew my right fingers downward, looking V in the eyes (another top-10 tip, by the way). His eyes rolled back slightly, and he made a sound that told me I was on to something.

Finding: The jellyfish move is legit. I stopped to record said finding in my notebook. (JK, I saw the experiment through to its conclusion. I’m dedicated.)

“I think silliness is sexy,” says Matatas, who has more than a decade of pleasure-ed experience, in Canada and elsewhere. She started as a public health educator, branching out into pleasure ed when she saw that none of the sexual health education she was giving addressed it, even though everyone she met and talked to was seeking it. She came up with the jellyfish on the fly while being playful with a partner. “We should practise curiosity, communication and creativity” when it comes to sex, Matatas asserts. Aside from being a pathway to discovery, employing these qualities is also how we get over performance anxiety.

In contrast with the seriousness of traditional sex ed, pleasure ed acknowledges that sex can exist beyond reproduction for the pursuit of fun and connection with yourself and others. Its teachers reflect that: They’re happy, self-actualized people who have chosen their profession because they love feeling good. They know, and teach, that playfulness, being present and allowing for mistakes makes sex better. “It adds to the vulnerability,” Matatas says.

And while learning from seasoned pros like Matatas—who also leads in-person workshops on topics like “Group Sex 101” and “Banishing Bedroom Boredom” in Toronto—can feel intimidating, that’s where the one-on-one factor of the Internet comes in. “It provides safety and the ability to suss something out in private, away from our sex-negative culture,” she says. Milhausen echoes that sentiment, although she also recommends books. (“Middle-aged people grew up getting information from books,” she says, “so it’s often more comfortable than trying to wade through the Internet.”) And learning tricks from sexually fluent, diverse humans—according to Barrica, half of O.school’s instructors are people of colour, more than 70 percent are queer and more than 15 percent are trans or non-gender-conforming—doesn’t mean you have to be one yourself, or even a non-monogamous Tracy F-ck.

If you’re intimidated by the cool/queer aspect, consider this: Would you trust a carpenter who only owns Ikea furniture, or an agoraphobic travel agent? Likely not. So why would you want pleasure education from someone with a less dynamic prism of sexual understanding and ability? “Women may feel more comfortable learning from somebody who looks like themselves,” says Milhausen, “but I want all of us to step outside that and learn about our sexuality from people who have amazing knowledge and experience.”

And while the demographic that flocks to O.school tends to be younger (20s to early 30s), some of the most engaged and vocal users are, anecdotally, women in their 30s to 50s. That’s no surprise to Milhausen. “Mid-life is a time when we start to reflect on all different parts of our life,” she says. “How do we feel about the job we’re in, how do we feel about the relationship we’re in, how do we feel about our bodies and our health? It’s a common time to look inward and think about your sexuality.” Matatas also sees a lot of thirty- to fifty-something women in her in-person classes, in part because they’re in a “few f-cks left to give” phase of their lives, as she puts it. Along this line, Barrica tells me that one of O.school’s users, a woman in her 70s, had her best orgasm ever after watching one of their videos.

After watching several O.school videos myself, I realize the site’s most important lessons are more philosophical than technical. What choice most empowers you sexually? What makes you happiest? How do you have that conversation with yourself? For this Tracy Flick, these were the true aha moments (aside from the jellyfish thing). Good sex is not about skill, but about discovery; not what you know, but how much you can play, experiment and enjoy yourself while seeking knowledge. Watching O.school’s videos will teach you new techniques, but like any good class, they will do something better than that: They’ll teach you how to think differently. To see yourself not just as a body but also as a brain and heart, in pleasure-seeking terms.

And furthermore, they’ll remind you that the best students are the ones who never stop learning. I am no longer a 16-year-old control freak furtively masturbating to David Duchovny’s smirk in the dark, and the sexual self I am now will continue to evolve.

Cut to: The slut formerly known as the Tracy Flick of Sex. She watches “F-ck Lube Shame: Why You Need It.” She takes notes on water- vs. silicone-based, liquid vs. gel vs. cream. She nods vigorously when instructor Jess Melendez—a frank and friendly sex-toy expert with a winning smile and an admirable eyebrow game—asserts that lube shame stems from patriarchal notions of what our bodies are supposed to do when sexually excited. “I’m here to tell you that there is nothing wrong with your body. If you wanna use lubricant, that is super rad, okay?”

Then our Former Flick learns, for the first time, that “buttholes are super thirsty,” and so a liquid lube is not best for anal. She nods studiously. She goes to her local sex shop and buys new gel lube, for she has more experimenting to do, more learning.

And when learning involves dildos, then school ain’t bad at all.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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An essential safe sex guide for lesbian, bisexual and queer women

Everything you need to know about vulva-to-vulva sex.

By Paisley Gilmour

If you’re a lesbian, bisexual, pansexual or queer woman, or someone who has a vagina and sleeps with vagina-having people, it’s likely you haven’t had the sexual health education you need. School sex ed is so heteronormative that many of us never heard so much of a mention of vulva-to-vulva sex. It’s no wonder many queer folk don’t realise STIs can be transmitted through fingering, oral sex and sharing sex toys.

This gap in our knowledge is nothing to be ashamed of. Safe sex for LGBTQ+ women, non-binary, trans and intersex people is just rarely (if ever) efficiently covered in school.

So here’s your essential safe sex guide, courtesy of Linnéa Haviland from sexual health service SH:24.

Stigma exists and it might affect you

A recent study found LGBTQ+ women face barriers when accessing sexual health care, the main reason being ignorance and prejudice among health care staff. I have certainly been questioned a few times about why I’m going for a smear test, simply because I’ve said I have a girlfriend. With information about safe sex being extremely penis-centred, it can be really hard to know the facts and stand your ground in the face of individual and institutionalised queerphobia.

Know how STIs are actually spread…

Contrary to popular belief, there doesn’t have to be a penis involved for STIs to spread. STIs can be passed on through genital skin-on-skin contact, through bodily fluids on hands and fingers, oral sex and sharing sex toys. STIs “like the specific environment of the genitals, so can spread from one vulva to another when they are in close contact or if fluids come in contact via sex toys or fingers,” says SH:24 sexual health nurse Charlotte.

Chlamydia, syphilis, gonorrhoea, HPV, genital warts and genital herpes can all be spread this way. These STIs can also spread via oral sex. Throat swabs for STIs aren’t routinely offered to women, but if you are worried you can request one. STIs won’t survive outside their cosy environments for long though, so you can’t get them from sharing towel, toilet seats, or by using a sex toy someone else used a week ago.

…and know how to protect yourself

You’ve probably heard of a dental dam for oral sex, but if you’re anything like me before I started working for a sexual health service, you’ve probably never actually seen one. Originally used for dentistry, they are quite expensive and hard to get hold of, so unless your local sexual health clinic has them I would recommend a DIY version: the cut up condom!

Unroll the condom, cut the tip off, then cut it lengthwise to unroll it into a rectangle. Use the lubricated side against the vulva, or if flavoured, the flavoured side against your mouth (note: flavours can irritate the vulva!) When sharing sex toys, use a condom on the sex toy, and change this every time you switch user.

For fingering and fisting, you can use latex gloves for extra protection (add some lube though – they’re dry!) If you’re rubbing genitals or scissoring, you can try to keep a dental dam in between, but it can be really hard to keep it in place… the best way to stay protected is to test regularly for STIs (we recommend yearly or when changing partners – whichever comes first!)

Go for your smear test

There is a prevalent heteronormative notion that you don’t need to get a smear test unless you’ve had/are having S.E.X (meaning penetrative sex with a penis.) This isn’t true! HPV, the virus which can cause cervical cancer, can be transmitted via oral sex, sharing sex toys and genital contact. HPV is very common, and most people will have it at some point in their life, but clear it without symptoms. Because it’s so common it’s important to always go for your smear test!

Know about HIV

HIV is is slightly different from other STIs, because it has to get into your bloodstream. “There is a high quantity of white blood cells both in the rectum and on the cervix, so if the virus gets there, it is very close to where it needs to be. Tearing adds another way for the virus to come in contact with your blood stream during sex,” says Charlotte. HIV can only survive outside the body for a few seconds, so transmission via non-penetrative sex or sharing sex toys is thought to be extremely low.

However the actually transmission rates of HIV during sex between two vagina-having people is unknown, since this has not been recorded or studied on any larger scale. There has been one documented case of HIV transmission between two women – but more cases might be masked by assumptions that the virus was contracted in a different way (such as heterosexual/penis-vagina sex or needle sharing). There is a lot of stigma attached to HIV, so it’s important to remember that if you have HIV and are on the right medication, you can keep the viral load undetectable, which means you can’t pass it on!

Learn the risk factors

When making a decision about whether to have protected or unprotected sex with someone, it’s a good idea to be informed about the risk factors involved in different types of sex. British Association for Sexual Health and HIV (BAASH) guidelines says non-penetrative contact carries the lowest risk, but no sexual contact is without risk.

For penetrative sex (like fingering, using sex toys and fisting) the risk of transmission is related to the degree of trauma – i.e if there is friction or aberration (tiny cuts). Risk is also related to if you or your partner(s) are likely to have an STI – so be in the know and test, test, test! There is an assumption in the medical field that vulva-to-vulva sex carries hardly any risk of STI transmission, but different reports suggest this generalisation may not be correct.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!