Professional dominatrixes see that all sorts of people want to be dominated.
You don’t need to invest in handcuffs, whips, or ropes to get started. All you need are your words, according to Mistress Ava Zhang, a New York City-based professional dominatrix.
Not all of us have leadership roles at work, but at some point, we’ve given an order.
We’ve told someone where to sit, where to hang their coat, to stop talking and listen. We’ve asked people to bring napkins to our parties, to pick up groceries on the way home, to turn down the thermostat.
You may not consider yourself a sexually dominant person, but you’ve probably made things happen by asking for what you want. Have you ever texted someone “come over tonight ;)” and had them show up at your door ten minutes later? Said “kiss me” and then found yourself kissed?
Yet the idea of being dominant in the bedroom, especially for women, can still seem strange since it goes against everything we’re taught. We must be fair, things must be equal, we must take care of the other person, we must make sure everyone else’s needs are met before ours.
Being dominant in bed doesn’t just mean being on top. It means knowing why you’re there and being bold about pursuing your pleasure.
Professional dominatrixes are the first to scoff at the idea that all men enjoy being dominant in bed and all women enjoy being submissive. They see firsthand that all sorts of people long to be taken out of the driver’s seat.
Here’s how to reexamine the idea of taking control in bedroom, putting the power dynamic in your favor.
Dominating isn’t the same as being cruel or mean
“One of the most common misconceptions surrounding a woman taking a dominant role is the assumption that she needs to be a display cruel behavior towards others, for the sake of her own gain or pleasure, and without consideration for their safety or well-being,” said Mistress Ava Zhang, a New York City-based professional dominatrix. “That is not dominance but rather narcissism bordering on sociopathy.”
Taking the lead in bed doesn’t mean being a sadist or demeaning your partner. It doesn’t mean you have to change who you are. You’re simply connecting with a powerful side of yourself that was always there, and sharing it with a person who wants to make you happy. It’s about closeness and connection, not cruelty.
“The culture of BDSM is heavily rooted in ethics, empathy, and consent,” said Zhang. “The one who assumes the dominant role need not force others to submit, but inspires them to do so by first and foremost displaying compassion and understanding as befitting a moral person.”
You need to understand yourself before you can take on a dominant role
The first step to taking on a more dominant role is to figure out what turns you on. This is easier said than done. We may be ashamed of our desires, we may worry that our partner will laugh or be disgusted by them.
But there’s a reason why the Fifty Shades of Grey books and films were so successful. People were able to point to something on a page and say, “That’s hot.” And then show it to their partner.
Think about scenes in movies and books that have turned you on, and ask yourself why. It may make you feel weird at first, but it’s normal to ask yourself if your desires are normal. It’s up to you to accept them as part of who you are and make the next move.
Great sex starts with communication
Taking cues from mainstream media can also have a downside. Great sex in the movies is often led by the man, or else it’s a magically equal exchange where all the parties seem to intuitively know what the other wants.
Now that’s fantasy.
The reality is that great sex is born of great communication, but it can be hard to wants to talk about what you want. Someone has to take the lead. It should be you.
Taking the dominant position with a partner requires the ability to articulate what you want, explain what pleases you, and why.
“Two of the most important lessons I have learned in my time as a professional dominatrix is to know myself, and to communicate what I want to others. Taking a more dominant role means first having a command and understanding of oneself,” said Zhang.
You don’t need to invest in handcuffs, whips, or ropes
Yes, the things we see on television and the movies can inspire our sexiest thoughts, but they can also be intimidating and stop you from giving things a try.
Being dominant in the bedroom doesn’t mean you have to invest in kinky gear, like handcuffs, whips, and rope. They’re symbolic props.
For example, you can use your words to tell your partner not to move. Handcuffs may just provide an extra layer to the experience.
“Begin with some universal concepts by asking your partner if she or he is enticed by the following: being teased, delayed gratification, the freedom from not having to decide/think, or simply just giving you pleasure,” said Zhang. These ideas can inspire any number of playful activities.”
It’s normal to struggle with outdated attitudes about sexual roles
We’re all prisoners of our upbringings. We have ideas of what people are supposed to do in bed. Even if we think of ourselves as progressive, we may still be dogged by out-of-date attitudes about sexual roles.
It’s up to you to examine why you believe that sex has to be a certain way. If it makes you feel good, great. But if you’re unsatisfied and afraid that your fantasies disrupt your ideas about gender roles in bed, you need to stop and think.
“The mind is the sex organ and all it really takes to be dominant is assuming the right attitude,” said Zhang. “And remember, a willing and open-minded partner will want to please you.”
Rowland explores why American women aren’t happy with their sex lives — and what they can do about it. A landmark study from 1999 found that over 40% of women surveyed experienced sexual dysfunction — the inability to feel satisfied by sex. A contributing factor, noted the researchers, was the lasting psychological effects of sexual trauma.
The Pleasure Gap American Women & the Unfinished Sexual Revolution by Katherine Rowland
The Pleasure Gap highlights how desire and the mind are linked for women. “Pleasure is inextricable from our social status, compressed and constrained by financial factors, by safety factors, by objectification,” she says. We need to remove these barriers, she says, to experience sex with the “full freedom, expression, range and truth that we’re endowed with.”
Rowland argues that it is possible for women to take charge and reignite their libidos. She talked to NPR about why fake orgasms are a cause for alarm, how much sex couples should have per week and “sexological bodywork.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
You take issue with some of the research that tries to quantify sexual frequency and the idea that once a week may be the “optimal” amount. So how much sex should we be having?
Our national obsession with sexual frequency and the terrifying specter of dead bedrooms overrides the fundamental importance of sexual quality. There is no volume of sex that’s more or less good.
For whatever reason, researchers have embraced this idea that we should be having sex once a week — that it’s enough to sustain relationships and that it keeps depression, heart disease and obesity at bay.
But none of that research looks at how participants actually feel about that sex — other than feeling good that they can check the box for having done it.
You interviewed more than 120 women for this book. Many in heterosexual, long-term relationships told you that sex was an act of drudgery and that they often did whatever it took to get the job done. This felt sad to me.
I found myself feeling beaten down by the near ubiquity of stories of faking it in that context.
We tend to treat faking it as such a jokey matter. When the media reports on studies that try and capture the percentage of women who fake orgasm during sex, it tends to be from a male perspective saying “ouch” — focusing more on the bruising of men’s feelings that occurs when women are lying to them as opposed to concerns surrounding the fact that women aren’t feeling good.
That women are feigning their pleasure in order to hasten that experience along — I think we need to treat that with real alarm. We need to ask: What’s going on in that women are engaging in spectacle as opposed to actually allowing themselves to feel sensation?
Your book explores how some women have a low desire for sex. How does this happen?
Among the women who I spoke to, the persistent low desire was heavily associated with the idea that sex should revolve around penetration as the main course, with maybe a polite prelude of a foreplay, rather than thinking about sex as a broader universe of intimacy.
It’s the combination of a larger culture that privileges male sexuality over women’s, a culture that doesn’t teach women that pleasure belongs to them. A lack of anatomical self-knowledge. And feelings of sort of persistent danger and women being often censored and censured for expressing their desire.
You push back against the idea that the female orgasm is mysterious and elusive, which is how the media has sometimes described it. What would be a more accurate way to understand the female orgasm?
It’s more like riding a bicycle. You learn how to do it. And what we see is that as women become more versed with what their body can do, orgasm becomes more readily achievable.
The female orgasm tends to get wrapped up in these fuzzy terms like “elusive” and “hazy” and “mysterious” because women aren’t encouraged to explore what actually feels good. But if they were encouraged to self-pleasure and explore in real, sincere ways by themselves and with their partners, I think they would find that there is a world of pleasurable sensation available to them.
In your book, you say that the goal is for women to have a “profound sexual experience.” What do you mean by that?
It can mean a number of things, and I don’t think it necessarily has to be a sexual encounter in terms of our often narrow understanding of sex. The women who I spoke to describe it to me as feelings of transcendence, of approaching sex not just as a way for getting off or feeling good, but as a portal into a deeper state of self-knowledge.
They often use the word “spiritual” — the alignment of self, sensation and possibility. Pleasure so deep it felt like a homecoming, like they had been restored to themselves, to the depths of their potential.
How can women regain control over their sex lives?
The first thing to do would be to stop absorbing [unscientific] outside knowledge. There is such a rash of faulty information out there as a result of our lack of sound science and solid education. We’ve seen this proliferation of experts pandering to the lowest common denominator.
Online, you’ll find doctors who promise that by injecting more blood into the vagina, it will give it a face-lift that will bolster orgasmic potential. Or self-proclaimed “sexperts” who put on female ejaculation retreats. Those kinds of offerings often exist side by side with credentialed and validated interventions.
The second thing is to get to know your body. I think the most powerful intervention that I documented in my book was the realm of sexological bodywork.
What is that?
It’s a somatic approach to sexual healing that can — but does not necessarily — include genital touch. There’s a profound opportunity there for ethical violations, especially because it’s not a regulated practice. But for some of the women who I spoke to, they’ve said that this was the missing link in understanding their bodies.
Sexological bodywork practitioners facilitate your self-knowledge of your body, pleasure, comfort, boundaries, feelings of confidence and being able to articulate “no.” For example, “No, I don’t want you to touch me here” and “I don’t want you to look at me here.” This helps women ask why they feel this way — and get to a point where they can say “yes.”
For women in a relationship with a man, how can male partners do more to help?
Men can — and should — play a central role in helping women fully engage with their desires and sensations.
They can do this by being compassionate and nonjudgmental listeners. By creating an erotic atmosphere in which men and women’s needs command equal importance, and by encouraging interactions that depart from the wearied script of male arousal and release. Just as society tends to overly complicate female sexuality, we oversimplify men’s, and they also benefit from shifting dynamics around.
Any ideas of how to do that?
I spoke with a number of couples, and one shared a story that made a deep impression.
They’re both middle-aged and both are experiential sexuality educators, so in many respects they’re versed in subjects like male privilege and the ways female satisfaction gets short shrift. But all the same, these issues were showing up in their intimate life.
At the woman’s request, they decided to make sex just about her — so that it flowed from her interest and followed the course of her arousal. She told him, she didn’t care how he took care of himself, but she didn’t want to be a part of it.
They came to call these sessions “The Experiment.” To their mutual surprise, it lasted for a whole year. As they recounted this experience, the woman thanked her partner for his generosity, and he immediately and firmly responded, “No, it was my pleasure.” They both felt they had benefited from the woman’s sexual growth and the shared opportunity to expand their erotic vocabulary.
When we polled our readers earlier this month on what they’ve always wanted to ask a sex coach, they flooded our DM’s with questions, concerns, and complaints about their partners’…techniques.
One thing to note: whatever is going on in the bedroom isn’t a “just you” issue, per se. According to the Cleveland Clinic, 43 percent of women and 31 percent of men experience some type of sexual dysfunction during their lifetimes, including low libido and low confidence. And so many readers submitted the exact same questions and the same deepest darkest secrets. You’re normal. Sex can be weird! Let’s talk about it.
Below, Gigi Engle, SKYN sex and intimacy expert and certified sex coach and author of All The F*cking Mistakes, answered questions submitted by HelloGiggles readers. Don’t see your concern below? Check out the rest of our State of Female Pleasure package for more sexpert advice.
How do I tell my partner that I’ve been faking my orgasms without hurting their feelings?
Your partner may have hurt feelings but the important thing is to assure them that you like everything they’re doing and you were faking orgasms because things felt good but you just felt you weren’t going to get “there.” Offer to show them exactly what feels good for you with gentle guidance.
How do I stop faking orgasms without offending my boyfriend?
Having an open conversation with your partner about this can be challenging. Sex is an emotionally charged thing and many of us lack the vocabulary to communicate our needs. Let your partner know that you want to try some new sex things together. You want to show him new ways to touch you and to have more orgasms. Tell them you love your sex life so he feels good about himself and then offer some guidance. When it comes to faking, if you feel like you’re not going to get there, offer some gentle guidance. Maybe you could use some more oral sex, or a toy during sex. Make those suggestions to him.
How can I be more comfortable in my body during sex?
Masturbate, masturbate, masturbate. When you get in touch with your body and internal energy, you start to feel so much more comfortable in your power. Having control over your own orgasm is empowering and will help you feel good when guiding someone in how to touch you. Body confidence is not something that happens overnight. Look at yourself in the mirror naked and tell your body how much you love it; how it takes care of you, gets you where you need to go, and is strong for you. It does not matter what you look like. You’re beautiful and sexy and powerful.
What can I do to get my partner to explore other fun sexual options? Ex: BDSM.
Make a sex menu. You write down three things you want to try and then have [them] write down three things [they’d] want to try. Then, swap lists and see what you both are interested in. This gives you a pressure-free way to learn about your partners desires and to share your own. Introduce [them] to new things slowly—maybe start out with a new lube or small sex toy. For BDSM specifically, you don’t need to go buy a bunch of expensive gear. Use a tee shirt as a blindfold and a necktie as handcuffs. It’s really not as complicated and scary as some people tend to think!
I can’t orgasm at all! Is there something wrong with me?
There is definitely nothing wrong with you. This is super common! Orgasms are 90 percent mental and 10 percent physical. So, you need to be in a positive headspace. If you believe you cannot come, your brain tells your body you can’t come, and then … you don’t come! The first thing to do is to step outside of this negative feedback loop. Take orgasm off the table for a while and focus on pleasure. Buy some sex toys (SKYN Vibes is my go-to). Take time to masturbate and see what you like. Don’t worry so much about orgasming and eventually orgasms will come.
How to move past (unknown) mental roadblocks that make it hard to orgasm with a partner?
Being present and in the moment can be very challenging when life comes at you. It’s key to remember that sex is important and life is always going to be busy. Breathe into your body and try to be more intentional. Watch some porn to keep you focused or listen to an erotic story while you’re having sexy time. Sometimes we need to ignite all of our senses to stay in the moment. Treat sex like a meditation: It’s a time to focus and breathe and enjoy.
How do you deal with extraordinary clitoral sensitivity?
Try different touch than straight up clitoral rubbing. Touch the labia, the mons, and vaginal opening. Try layering the labia over the clitoris when you use a sex toy on a low vibration setting. Sometimes having a barrier can provide comfort. You can also circle the clitoris rather than putting vibration or a tongue directly on it.
You might also benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy in tandem with working with and OBGYN. There may be an underlying medical issue that should be addressed. Seeking the help of a well-rounded team of professionals who are there to work for you is a grounded way to get the orgasms and sex you deserve.
I spoke with widows, newlyweds, monogamists, secret liaison seekers, submissives and polyamorists and found there was no such thing as desire too high or low
By Katherine Rowland
Male desire is a familiar story. We scarcely bat an eyelash at its power or insistence. But women’s desires – the way they can morph, grow or even disappear – elicit fascination, doubt and panic.
In 2014, as experts weighed the moral and medical implications of the first female libido drug, I found myself unsatisfied with the myths of excess and deficit on offer, and set out to understand how women themselves perceive and experience their passions.
Over the course of five years, I talked with 120 women and dozens of sexual health professionals. My reporting took me from coast to coast, and spanned conversations from a 22-year-old convinced she was sexually damaged to a 72-year-old learning how to orgasm. I spoke with widows, newlyweds, committed monogamists, secret liaison seekers, submissives and proud polyamorists.
I also dropped in on psychotherapy sessions, consulted sexologists, went inside the battle to get “female Viagra” FDA approved and profiled practitioners blurring the lines between sex work and physical therapy. In Los Angeles, I sat with a group of determinedly nonplussed sex coaches as they took in a live flogging demonstration, while in New York I stood among a thousand women whipped into a fist-pumping frenzy by a guru who declared the time had come for them to reconnect to their sensuality.
Against the background claims that women are disordered patients who require a pharmaceutical fix, or that they are empowered consumers who should scour the market for their personal brand of bliss, I found that there was no such thing as desire too high or low. Rather, desire contains as many tones as there are people to express it.
Low desire isn’t a symptom
In five years of conversations, I heard frequent variations on a common story. Somewhere in the mix of parenting, partnering and navigating the demands of professional life, women’s desire had dimmed to the barest flicker. In place of lust, they acted out of obligation, generosity or simply to keep the peace.
“What’s wrong with me?” many asked of their medical providers, only to come away with confounding answers. “Your flatlined libido is perfectly normal,” they were told. “But it’s also a medical concern.”
Just what constitutes normal stirs intense debate, in part because female sexuality shoulders an immense weight. It’s where observers have long looked for clues about human nature and for proof of immutable differences between men and women. The chief distinction, we’re told, is that women are less desirous than men.
And yet, low desire is often cast as an affliction that women are encouraged to work at and overcome. Accordingly, some women I talked to consulted therapists to understand why intimacy was tinged with dread. Others tried all manner of chemical interventions, from antidepressants and testosterone supplements to supposedly libido-rousing pills. A number of women accumulated veritable libraries of spice-it-up manuals. No matter the path, I heard time and again how women compelled themselves to just do it, committed to reaching a not necessarily satisfying but quantifiable end.
Low desire is a healthy response to lackluster sex
However, as women further described their malaise, their dwindling desire seemed less the result of faulty biology than evidence of sound judgment. It was a consequence of clumsy partners, perfunctory routines, incomplete education, boredom and the chafe of overfamiliarity.
In short, it was the quality of the sex they were having that left them underwhelmed. As one woman put it: “If it’s not about your pleasure, it makes sense you wouldn’t want it.”
Straight women are struggling the most in their erotic lives
While all women, regardless of sexual orientation, experience dips in drive, the utter depletion of sexual interest might be more common to heterosexual women, because their desires are less clearly defined to begin with.
“I spent most of my life with no sense of what I want,” one straight woman in her late 40s told me. Another, also in her 40s, reflected that she and her husband “did sex the way [she] thought it was supposed to look”. However, she said: “I don’t know how much I was really able to understand and articulate what I wanted.”
For both women, along with dozens of others that I spoke to, dwindling desire was an affront to identity. It exposed the limits of what they had expected of themselves, namely that they should settle down with one man and be emotionally and physically content from there on out. Their experiences mirror what researchers have uncovered about the so-called orgasm gap, which holds that men are disproportionately gratified by sex.
The picture subtly shifts when you look at which women are enjoying themselves. A 2017 survey of more than 50,000 Americans found that lesbians orgasmed 86% of the time during sex, as opposed to 65% of straight women (and 95% of straight men). Investigators speculate that lesbians and queer women enjoy greater satisfaction because of anatomical familiarity, longer sexual duration and not revering penetration as the apex of erotic mingling.
I would further surmise that queer women are often more satisfied because, unlike a lot of straight women, they have fundamentally considered the nature and object of their desires.
There’s nothing funny about faking it
The subject of faking it tends to seed jokey reactions, which frame the issue of female pretending as a slight to the man’s self-esteem. When she fakes it, he is the wounded party: her absent climax becomes his loss.
According to one well-trafficked 2010 report, 80% of heterosexual women fake orgasm during vaginal intercourse about half of the time, and another 25% fake orgasm almost all of the time. (When CBS News reported on this study, the headline opened with “Ouch”; there was no editorializing on shabby male technique – all the focus was on the bruising consequences of women’s inauthentic “moaning and groaning”.)
Faking it was ubiquitous among the women I spoke with. Most viewed it as fairly benign, and I largely did too. That is, until the subject cropped up again and again, and I found myself preoccupied with an odd contradiction: as women act out ecstasy, they devalue their actual sensations.
On the one hand, this performance is an ode to the importance of female pleasure, the expectation held by men and women alike that it should be present. But on the other, it strips women of the physical and psychological experience of pleasure. Spectacle bullies sensation aside.
Women aren’t looking for a magic pill
One might think from the headlines that equal access to pharmacopeia ranks high among women’s sexual health concerns. After all, men have a stocked cabinet of virility-boosting compounds, while women have paltry options. But this was not my takeaway.
While some women opined that it would be nice to ignite desire with a pill, few saw the benefit of boosting appetite if the circumstances surrounding sex remained unchanged. While desire was frequently tinted by a sense of mystery, its retreat was rarely presented in a black box. Almost across the board, women spoke of their sexuality in contextual terms: it changed with time, with different partners and different states of self-knowledge.
In 2018 an article in the Archives of Sexual Behavior surmised “Research has not conclusively demonstrated that biology is among the primary mechanisms involved in inhibiting sexual desire in women.” Rather, the authors said, body image, relationship satisfaction and learned values intervene to shape women’s experiences of lust. Even though FDA-approved drugs like Addyi and Vyleesi are marketed to suggest that desire dips independently of life circumstances, those involved in drug development are certainly aware of these other influences. The strength of their impact on women’s minds and bodies may even be contributing to the challenge of developing effective pharmaceuticals.
In the case of Viagra and its competitors, it’s assumed men want to have sex, but physically cannot, and so a feat of hydraulics allows them to consummate the act. But for women, the problem is more, well, problematic: they might be physically capable, but emotionally disinclined. Insofar as that is the case, we need to attend the reasons behind their reluctance.
Desire comes from liberating the erotic imagination
In the course of my reporting I attended a training session known as SAR, for Sexual Attitude Reassessment. The two-day workshops designed for sexual health professionals are intended to inundate participants with sexual material in order to highlight where they hold biases or discomfort, and they showcase a lot of explicit content.
The session I attended featured media depicting a gay head-shaving fetish, a medical-latex threesome and a wincing scene involving male genitalia, a typewriter and a miniature cactus. It also included frank confessionals from people whose bodies and lifestyles don’t necessarily accord with the culture’s rigidly gendered and ableist stereotypes – such as what it’s like for a trans woman to experience pleasure, or how a little person (the preferred term for adults with dwarfism) self-stimulates when his or her fingers cannot reach the genitals.
The idea, beyond highlighting all the “inscrutable, mystical loveliness” of sex, in the words of one facilitator, is to get participants to seek out what turns them on or disgusts them, or both.
In my recollection, the word “dysfunction” never surfaced in the programming. Rather, sexuality was framed in terms of accessing delight and accepting nonconformity. The subject of low desire was not viewed as a matter of sexual disinterest, but rather a result of how, owing to the greater culture, women hold themselves back, condemn their fantasies, foreclose on what they really want and sell themselves short on the idea that sex and love must look a certain way.
Women push themselves toward physical encounters that they either do not want, or for which they have not allowed desire to adequately develop. I came away with the impression that sexual healing had little to do with tricks or techniques, and almost everything to do with the mind, with sensing an internal flicker of I want that – and feeling empowered to act accordingly.
After a marijuana experience, lighting an old-fashioned cigarette after sex seems slightly outdated. As a matter of fact, when discussing cannabis, you’ll probably want to light it before you engage in sexual activity.
Excited yet? Despite some of us seeming pretty calm, we can still feel a nerve twitch when we hear promises of sexual exhilaration. Well, the tale about marijuana and sex that you’ve just stumbled upon will undoubtedly touch that nerve!
The relationship between pot and sexuality goes a long way and is not as charming as you might think. While some stories portray sensual symbiosis, others may argue that weed can crush your libido like a sledgehammer.
The truth is that marijuana can heat and cool both women and men. So then, is it an aphrodisiac, or a mood breaker?
Keep on reading and you’ll find out the pros and cons of marijuana use in the sweet game of sexuality.
A Short History of Cannabis and Sex
The Ancients Knew About Its Effects
According to research, the positive effects of marijuana on the sexual behavior of women was well known in ancient Mesopotamia; it was used during childbirth and for treating menstrual problems as well. Also, the first records of rectal cannabis preparations can be found in ancient Assyrian manuscripts.
Later, in ancient Egypt, cannabis was mixed with honey and introduced vaginally to relieve cramps. This is also where we find the first written records of the relationship between marijuana and sex drive. In addition, hemp seeds were originally used to influence fertility in men.
Throughout history, cannabis has been used both in gynecology and obstetrics, where the first sexological practices come from.
Both Ayurvedic and Arabian medicines recorded the use of marijuana as an aphrodisiac and for pain relief. It was applied vaginally, rectally, orally, and through fumigation. In China, cannabis was used for menstrual difficulties and postpartum problems. African men used it for erectile dysfunction (ED).
Western medicine also used marijuana for sex-related problems. In the 17th and 18th centuries, physicians mixed pulverized cannabis with other herbs to produce combined drugs. Furthermore, with the medical use of marijuana, sex-related issues were clarified and studied.
In Central Europe, in the 19th century, tinctures with cannabis were widely used for breast swelling, menstrual problems, and childbirth difficulties. Court physicians prepared concoctions for wealthy women which were used as a form of sexual relief during first-night intercourse.
Modern Times Try To Reveal the Mystery
The popularization of marijuana in the 20th century has given birth to its massive, worldwide use. Both medical and recreational testimonials state the potential health benefits and pleasures of having sex while high.
The physiological potency of the plant was scientifically documented and explained. Today, we know that certain chemicals in marijuana plants affect the whole organism in a profound way.
According to Psychology Today, the first modern medical evidence of the sexual impact of marijuana dates from the 1970s. Since then, numerous studies have tried to answer the question: is marijuana a stimulant or not?
However, most of the research coming from the previous century is inconclusive. The majority of studies that process the topic are self-reported observational studies and are limited due to the subjectiveness of the questioned participants.
In order to asses the topic of marijuana and sex, we have to consider both medical and experiential aspects of the herb.
Marijuana Effects on the Body
It is a well-known fact that the chemicals in marijuana plants have significant physiological actions. Cannabinoids bind to endocannabinoid receptors and interfere with their main function — homeostasis maintenance.
Both THC and CBD affect our whole organism, thus regulating numerous biochemical reactions. Sometimes it results in the pleasure of being “high,” or it can just have a therapeutic purpose. Overuse, on the other hand, is more likely to induce the negative effects of weed.
The connection between weed and sex can be explained by its pharmacological traits.
Blood Flow
By acting on cannabinoid receptors in blood vessels, cannabinoids induce peripheral vasodilatation. This means that more blood flows into different organs, such as the lungs, the glands, or the brain. The mucous membranes on sexual organs get more blood, which stimulates their metabolism and boosts their function.
The drop in blood pressure is followed by an increased heart rate. Meanwhile, your heart is pumping all the oxygen your lungs can get into your body. This stimulates the senses as well as tactile perception.
Basically, while having sex on weed, your body is more attuned to external influences than in regular cases.
The Brain
Cannabinoids act on various brain structures and interfere with hormones and neurotransmitters. Marijuana effects on the brain can both aid sexuality or destimulate it.
Weed increases dopamine and serotonin levels, which introduce the sense of pleasure, or even happiness. Additionally, this causes altered sensory perception, such as touch, smell, and taste.
Marijuana acts on inhibition functions, therefore relieving stress and anxiety. This also causes peripheral muscles to relax, while the dilated blood vessels pump oxygen into them.
Physiologically, indulging in sex while high can be quite relaxing and enjoyable, with lower inhibitions and attuned senses.
Cannabinoids also have anti-inflammatory properties, which are experienced as pain-relief. This is the reason why in some countries in Eastern Europe, people used to take marijuana to facilitate the first-night sexual experience of women.
Hormones
THC affects the brain and glands, which regulate certain functionalities, and significantly influence sexuality.
It has been reported that, in regular users, THC decreases total cortisol levels. This stress hormone is associated with a higher state of alertness and agility. In other words, with the use of cannabis, the sex drive can be inhibited too! Additionally, THC can sometimes elevate cortisol levels in infrequent users, hence inducing a state of anxiety.
THC briefly inhibits the thyroid hormone secretion. In heavy users, this reveals a dose-dependent mechanism. Meaning, the more you smoke weed, the more you are likely to gain weight, experience fatigue, or libido decrease.
Chemicals in marijuana act on sexual hormones differently. Light marijuana use (once a week) is not associated with any consequences. However, as reports state, smoking pot heavily (six times a week) can lower testosterone levels and sperm count in men. In women, it causes vaginal dryness and irregularity in menstrual cycles.
The hormonal connection between marijuana and sex is still not crystal clear. Overall, the available data states that cannabinoids cause hormone levels to fluctuate, which can affect reproduction and sexuality in different ways.
The Effects of Marijuana on Sexuality
In contrast to physiology, sexuality is a more complex part of an individual. It fuses both biological and psychological factors and is expressed through emotions, thoughts, and behaviors towards others. One can be sexually attracted to a person’s looks, emotions, attitudes, or actions.
Although a subjective category, there is data that shows that having sex while high on weed can be an entrancing experience.
Desire
People used to “spice things up” with clothing, alcohol, and adventures. However, with the growing marijuana market, there is a high chance that this “spice” might, in fact, be cannabis.
Sexual appetite, or libido, is both a hormonal and a psychological issue. It is determined by our sexual urge for another person.
According to a 2017 population-based study, public marijuana use is associated with increased sexual frequency in both men and women. After the assessment of more than 50,000 people, the authors concluded that among the consumers of marijuana, sex drive increased significantly.
Another study confirms that marijuana can increase libido. Researchers state that compared to non-users, weed consumers are twice as likely to have more than two sexual partners a year. Nevertheless, men were also more likely to have difficulties in reaching an orgasm.
Arousal
Sexual excitement is primarily a hormonal factor but can be influenced by psychoneural activity. There is evidence that cannabis can both induce and decrease sexual potency. Additionally, the two sexes express precisely the opposite arousal effects on weed.
Women
As said, marijuana use can increase female libido. When turned on while high, women tend to experience common vaginal dryness. This unfortunate event can present a problem in the initial contact but can be overcome with the right amount of tender foreplay. With the right amount of lubrication, this intense arousal can endure during the entire intercourse.
Men
In men, weed can increase the sex drive. On the other hand, studies show that a significant number of them have trouble maintaining arousal during sex.
In contrast to women, arousal in men is enhanced by the above-mentioned effects of marijuana. In most cases, during intercourse, the overall penile blood flow decreases. These effects remain until the high wears off.
The connection between marijuana and ED has long been an issue. However, the exact mechanism for this is unknown. It is usually associated with declining testosterone levels. Some authors conclude that this is a dose-dependent effect.
The bottom line is that, while stoned, sex can present a challenge for men.
Sensuality
The mystical traits of weed are considered to be the most valuable by most people. This is an effect primarily achieved by the ability of THC to alter the senses.
Studies show that enhanced visual, auditory, and tactile experiences enhance the ongoing sexual act, i.e., orgasm, masturbation, or desire. In surveys, people who enjoy pot and sex describe the high as “transcendent” or “spiritual.”
Intimacy
Although an aphrodisiac for women and a sexual appetite booster for men, marijuana can adversely affect the intimacy in couples.
Intimacy is a deep sense of connection with somebody both on an intellectual and physical level. According to research, the increase of libido and sensuality is associated with the focus on the more hedonistic effects of sexual contact, neglecting the aspects of personal attachment in the process.
Additionally, some cases reported increased intimacy levels in mature couples, which is associated with a sense of relaxation.
Highgasm
Women
A study from 2019, which followed 373 female participants, revealed that those who smoked marijuana prior to intercourse were two times more likely to achieve an orgasm than in a non-consuming group.
This evidence validly shows that among the participating women, 68.5% had more pleasurable sex while marijuana-high. Among them, 60.6% noticed an increase in sexual desire, and 52.8% reported an increase in satisfying orgasms.
Men
Evidence reports that orgasm in men, though, is experienced quite differently.
Men, who practiced sex and marijuana smoking were four times less likely to achieve a climax than the non-smoking group. Furthermore, pot-smokers were three times more likely to orgasm too quickly, and two times more likely to finish too slowly than the abstinents.
In general, both men and women are more sexually inhibited by marijuana in the long run. Chronic use potentiates the adverse hormonal effects and impacts physiology. But occasionally treating yourself with the sweet cannabis-infused sexual stimuli can rarely go wrong.
How to Dose the Best Pot for Sex
Choosing the best pot out there is certainly important. However, there are side effects of weed that need to be considered.
Both the positive and negative effects of weed are dose-dependant. Sometimes, one puff makes the difference between being stoned and being sexually blissed.
High doses of THC can cause a series of sexually-unwanted events, such as nausea, headache, anxiety, paranoia, or sexual depersonalization.
Some sources advocating the pros of marijuana use and sex advise us to keep lower doses in mind. In order to sexually transcend with pot, we need just the amount that can get our blood, brain, and senses going.
Marijuana and Sex Frequency
The relationship between these two changes with time; you might say that they mature together.
In light users, the achieved effect is mainly an occasional increase in sensuality. However, in heavy users, the long-term effects of weed are more likely to be displayed.
According to a few sources, chronic marijuana use is consistent with behavioral problems in relationships, which include aggressive behavior and mood changes. This leads to sexual and emotional detachment and creates the need for high marijuana doses.
In frequent users, the sexual side effects of weed include low energy and libido. This is associated with the pot’s effect on testosterone and pituitary hormones.
Other adverse effects include low desire, erectile dysfunction, and orgasm irregularities in men. Women tend to have progesterone variations, which is expressed as menstrual problems and could lead to depression.
In predisposed people, heavy marijuana use can onset panic, fears, memory decline, and even psychotic episodes.
Choosing the Right Strain for Sex
Everybody reacts to cannabinoids differently. Nevertheless, there are certain aspects of physiological actions that can be attributed to the potency of the marijuana strain.
When choosing the best marijuana for sex, some basic facts need consideration.
Three distinctive variations of cannabis plants used — Cannabis Sativa, Cannabis Indica, and Cannabis Ruderalis. The first two are more common and more popular.
Sativa produces a “head high,” making you more alert, inspired, and cerebrally driven. Indica has more body-relaxation effects and is used more to soothe pain and ease stress. Nevertheless, hybrids can display more potent, combined effects.
Some strains cater to sex more than others. In general, Sativa-derived ones could be considered as the best strains for male arousal, while women react better to Indica. Still, as sources claim, the reactions are mostly individual.
The perfect combination for sex would imply infrequent use to avoid the chronic impact on testosterone for men, and less estrogen-inhibiting THC products for women.
Sativa Strains for Sex
Asian Fantasy — Famous for its fruity flavor, this strain has energetic, and relaxin properties. Asian Fantasy is considered an arousing weed.
Ultimate Trainwreck — With its cerebral action, it enhances focus, energy, and a sense of happiness. Ultimate Trainwreck has a mild citrusy flavor, and i is one of the best marijuana strains for sex, as it increases arousal in men.
Green Crack — This Sativa strain can unleash your basic instinct. Green Crack is great for libido, potency, and could intensify an orgasm; the best part: you can repeat it again and again.
Potent Hybrids
Sour Dream — Although somewhat hard to find, this hybrid first calms and then arouses. Sour Dream can also potentiate euphoria, and even laughter, so it is the right choice for spicing-up the intimacy.
Purple Princess — It enhances creativity, energy, and euphoria. This strain can give you an exhilarating night in the sack and is considered as one of the best strains for female arousal and orgasm.
Indica Strains for Sex
Hindu Skunk — It relaxes slowly, and prolongs the intercourse, keeping your undivided attention on the partner. Hindu Skunk is a great choice for lazy-day intimacy.
Yumbolt — Mainly preferred by women, it is a calming and easing strain, that can help you orgasm, and sleep afterward.
Chocolate Chunk — It is an easing, soft acting strain, with a sweet and nutty flavor.
Grandaddy Purple — It is a strong Indica strain. It alleviates pain, eases stress, relieves anxiety, and energizes. Grandaddy Purple can be great for sexual desire but without the unnecessary euphoria.
Best Weed Strain for Sex: Sexxpot
According to yours truly, the best of the best would be Sexxpot. This hybrid came to light after years of practice and cultivation. It is a low-THC, high-CBD strain that relaxes the body while introducing desire and sensuality.
It takes the edge off and introduces you to the state of sweet delight. Sexxpot promises full relaxation, long sex-duration, and smooth sleep.
Selecting the Right Product
Deciding on the best weed for sex is essential. However, not all lovers out there enjoy smoking weed. Fortunately, today’s market has a variety of accessories and products for various user needs.
In a weed dispensary, you can find a spread of:
vapes and inhalants that contain cannabis-derived active principles;
oils and tinctures, which contain a concentrated amount of THC, and should be dosed lightly;
edibles that are becoming more popular by the minute — mints, brownies, chocolates, cakes, and other culinary delicacies.
Come Valentine’s, a THC-based sugary dish, or a wrapped-up stoner gift could turn the odds in your favor. While at that, it’s rumored that men prefer chocolate, while blueberry cakes could be considered the best edibles for female arousal.
Other Cannabis-Infused Sex Aids
Marijuana can be sexually helpful in more than one way. In other words, you don’t have to smoke it or eat it. The market is abundant with:
topical use products, which intensify the scenes peripherally;
marijuana suppositories, which have been out there for years now, and are used primarily for pain relief;
weed lube, which is cannabis-based and is used to treat vaginal dryness;
marijuana tampons with relaxing and protective properties.
The combination of sex products and cannabis shows promises of desire, arousal, sensuality, intimacy, and potential orgasms.
FAQs
Do you last longer when high?
While it can change the perception of time, marijuana does extend sexual intercourse in both women and men. There is evidence that supports its effects on libido, sensuality, and orgasm.
Cannabis has been scientifically proven to increase female sexual experience. On the other hand, there is evidence that smoking weed could result in erectile dysfunction in men.
Can being high make you not get hard?
Men who often smoke marijuana can sometimes experience erectile dysfunction. In chronic users, marijuana can decrease testosterone levels and affect arousal.
Hence, smoking weed in moderation is highly advised for men (so as to achieve the most optimal performance).
What’s more, some sources even claim that choosing the right strain could help overpass these issues entirely.
What are the best weed strains for sex?
Various marijuana strains have been praised as powerful sexual aids. The science states that Sativa strains work better in men. Indica strains have less THC and are better suited for women.
Some of the more popular sexual weeds are Sexxpot, Asian Fantasy, Sour Dream, Granddaddy Purple, Hindu Skunk, Green Crack, and more.
Can using cannabis for sex cause infertility?
There is no conclusive evidence that confirms that smoking marijuana can leave you infertile.
However, compulsive pot smoking is associated with low sperm count in men and menstrual irregularities in women.
Conclusion
It is true — marijuana enhances sexuality. However, frequent use can lead to unwanted side effects and can even cause sexual dysfunction.
Anyone can smoke and strip. Nevertheless, if you are about to indulge in a unique sexual adventure, do so wisely. With the proper strain pick and an adequate product selection, you can find yourself in a highly tantric experience.
Weed can be used as an aphrodisiac, arouser, intimacy enhancer, or as an orgasm intensifier. The intriguing connection between marijuana and sex has long been out there, and for good reason — it works.
The argument is this: gay sex alone can’t produce children, and for traits to evolve, they have to be passed onto children, who get some form of competitive advantage from them.
From this perspective, some argue homosexuality should not have evolved.
In a paper published yesterday by myself and Duke University professor Brian Hare, we propose human sexuality (including homosexuality) evolved as an outcome of the evolution of increased sociability in humans.
We argue many of the evolutionary forces that shaped human sexuality were social, rather than based on reproductive ability.
This is our “sociosexual hypothesis” for the evolution of gay sex and attraction.
Sex for bonding
For humans, and many other animals, sex is not just about reproduction.
We shouldn’t limit our thinking about the evolution of sex to its reproductive functions. We must also consider its social functions.
Based on the social behaviour of primates (and other social mammals), we argue our species’ recent cognitive and behavioural evolution was driven by natural selection favouring traits that allowed better social integration. This is called prosociality.
Early humans that could quickly and easily access the benefits of group living had a strong selective advantage. We believe this led to the evolution of a whole range of traits including reduced aggression, increased communication, understanding, social play and affiliation.
Species such as the bonobo, that evolved for high prosociality, evolved to use sexual behaviour in many social contexts. This results in an increase of sex in general, greater diversity in the contexts of sex, and an increase in gay sex.
We believe something similar happened in recent human evolution. Gay sex and attraction may have evolved because individuals with a degree of same-sex attraction benefited from greater social mobility, integration and stronger same-sex social bonds.
However, our argument addresses the early evolution of human sexuality, not how relatively recent phenomena like religion and religion-based legal structures have responded to sexual minorities.
Our hypothesis predicts that bisexuality and people who identify as “mostly straight” should be more common than people who identify as exclusively gay, and this is the case.
We quite randomly inherit half our genes from each parent. Each person’s genetic makeup is unique, so it would be highly unlikely to find two people with exactly the same set of genes influencing their sexuality.
Thus, variation is expected, and individuals fall along a spectrum ranging from a majority who are straight, to a minority who identify as gay.
Our hypothesis for the evolution of homosexuality would predict this kind of variation in human sexuality, and can help explain why it is generally stable across cultures.
We believe sexuality is a highly complex trait, interwoven with sociality. Attraction, sexual behaviour, social bonds and desire all contribute to its complexity.
Asking the right questions
Height is another feature influenced by hundreds of genes, many of which interact with our external environments in complex ways.
We see a continuous variation in human height – some very tall and very short people exist.
We might draw on nutritional ecology to explore the evolution of human height, but would not feel the need to introduce special evolutionary arguments to explain the existence of tall or short people.
No special explanation is necessary. They are simply exhibiting natural, genetically influenced variations in height.
Similarly, we think asking how gay sex and attraction evolved is the wrong question.
A more useful question to ask is: how did human sexuality evolve in all its forms?
In doing do, we acknowledge homosexuality does not present a paradox needing a special explanation. It is simply a result of our species’ recent sociosexual evolution.
Cannabis is used for an incredible array of health issues: it can alleviate anxiety, help with sleep, increase appetite, and treat chronic pain. It’s also a safer alternative to alcohol. And in the modern legal marketplace, many women are incorporating cannabis into their wellness routines as an alternative to prescription drugs and over-the-counter remedies aimed at reproductive and sexual health.
A recent survey of 1,011 women across the United States found that two-thirds of respondents said they use cannabis products, while more than one-third of them claimed to have used it to treat gynecological issues. There’s also evidence, as reported by Project CBD, that cannabis can have a positive effect on sexual health by reducing anxiety and pain, which are common barriers to a positive sexual experience for many women.
The conversation about women’s health and self-care products has come a long way from Summer’s Eve and scented tampons. Today, cannabis products for women range from THC tinctures and bath soaks to cannabis suppositories and CBD oils.
The conversation about women’s health has evolved
Women have found relief with cannabis for centuries, especially when it comes to menstrual pain. In “Women and Cannabis: Medicine, Science, and Sociology,” authors Ethan Russo, Melanie Creagan Dreher, and Mary Lynn Mathre note that cannabis suppositories were used in Egyptian pharmacopeia, documented as long ago as 3,000 BCE.
Recently, Weedmaps reported that some cannabis brands are prioritizing the health of their workers with a focus on women’s wellness. LH Manufacturing, the parent company of Whoopi & Maya, enacted a “moon day” policy for workers, allowing them to take a day off during their menstrual cycle. The company also provides free sanitary products for employees.
Peak Extracts, a woman-owned and run cannabis company in Oregon, provides samples of their products to employees coping with menstrual cramps. And Quim co-founders Cyo Ray Nystrom and Rachel Washtien have committed to keeping women’s health a priority in their business. “Our mental, physical and general health is the most important thing,” Washtien said.
On the Weed+Grub podcast (disclosure: I host this podcast), Nystrom said the core mission of Quim is to create products that help foster sustainable practices of self-care. And by that, “We mean including your vagina in your self-care routine.”
The conversation surrounding women’s health has evolved as more workplaces are placing a greater emphasis on women’s health and wellness — including cannabis companies.
While studies have found that cannabis can provide painrelief, and improve libido, there haven’t been any high-quality studies to determine whether cannabinoids can be effective in helping endometriosis, fibromyalgia, and other female-specific infections. Still, many women try cannabis products to help with their female-specific ailments and report finding relief. Nystrom developed Quim after years of suffering from a cycle of urinary tract infections and yeast infections. After researching other vaginal health products, she decided to make her own with cannabis as a main component. A CBD topical can be helpful as an anti-inflammatory post-sex, or if you experience pain from penetration or menstrual cramps, Nystrom said.
Kiana Reeves, chief brand educator for Foria, said on Weed+Grub that the conversation surrounding pain relief specifically for women has shifted and that some OB/GYNs are now recommending cannabis products to alleviate symptoms associated with menopause, pelvic pain, painful intercourse, vaginal dryness and more.
Cannabis products for women’s health and sexual wellness
There are a variety of cannabis-infused products designed for women who want to incorporate THC and/or CBD into their wellness routine. Applied in topical form, THC is non-intoxicating — the cannabinoid penetrates skin and muscles for localized relief. Topicals can be a good choice for someone seeking the therapeutic benefits of cannabis without the “high” associated with smoking, vaping or eating THC.
On the other hand, tinctures containing THC are absorbed into the bloodstream and have an intoxicating effect. If you’re seeking pain relief, a THC-rich tincture may be the answer — just make sure you start with a small amount and go slowly to find the correct dosage for your system.
And for those in states without access to legal cannabis, there is an ever-evolving selection of CBD products on the market — even at your local drugstore. Walgreens recently announced that it will sell hemp-derived CBD topicals and sprays. Additionally, many CBD companies will ship directly to the consumer, so you can shop from home.
Cannabis products for menstrual pain
Founded by Whoopi Goldberg and award-winning topicals and edibles maker Maya Elisabeth, Whoopi & Maya‘s bath Soak and Rub body balm are designed specifically to relieve menstrual discomfort with THC and CBD. The medical cannabis soak combines Epsom salts with cannabis and deliciously scented therapeutic essential oils, promoting a state of deep relaxation and relief as you bathe. Rub is a beeswax-based topical containing 50 milligrams of THC per jar which can alleviate cramping and provide relief from sore joints and back pain.
Cannabis products, formulated with THC and/or CBD, are made specifically to help with pain associated with menstrual cramps.
Whoopi & Maya is only available in California and Colorado. In Colorado, you can try Relax, a 100 milligram THC tincture containing herbs like motherwort and cramp bark, which are thought to benefit the female reproductive system.
Foria Relief is a unique offering: it’s a cocoa-butter suppository that delivers 60 milligrams THC and 10 milligrams CBD of full-spectrum cannabis directly to the vagina to soothe menstrual and pelvic pain. If you’re not in California or Colorado, a CBD version of Relief is available.
Cannabis products for sexual pleasure
Vaginal serums and lubricants make up a significant portion of topicals aimed at women. One newly launched CBD topical, Vella, is designed to enhance sexual pleasure. Vella has a “proprietary liposomal nanoencapsulation formulation,” according to the company’s website, and promotes muscle relaxation and increased blood flow. It’s compatible with condoms, so it’s a good option for partners practicing safer sex.
Quim also offers a line of self-care plant-based health products for women. This woman-owned and operated company has several topicals for “humans with vaginas, and humans without vaginas who love vaginas” in both THC and CBD formulations. Happy Clam Oil, with 30 milligrams of hemp-derived CBD per bottle, which, according to Quim’s website, is intended for daily use and to be thought of as “an eye cream for your vagina.” Night Moves intimate oil and Oh Yes! Latex-safe serum both contain THC and are only available in California dispensaries. Quim’s Smooth Operator is an intimate serum-containing hemp CBD and is available to ship nationwide.
Dazy CBD Lube is another intimate oil that’s safe to use with silicone toys and latex condoms. XES is a hemp-CBD vaginal serum that features a uniquely designed ergonomic applicator. Kush Queen Ignite CBD lube, Infinite CBD Big Bang, High On Love Stimulating Oil — there are plenty of options to try if you’re interested in incorporating CBD into your sex life.
Sex, power and assault are at the heart of a new study that looks at what it is that makes college the perfect storm for misunderstandings around sexual encounters.
Beginning in 2015, Professors Jennifer Hirsch and Shamus Khan interviewed more than 150 Columbia and Barnard College undergrads to learn about their sex lives. What they wanted out of sex, how troubling encounters unfolded, and how layers of misunderstandings led to assault.
In their new book, Sexual Citizens, Hirsch and Khan make the case that prevention starts with education — and they offer new approaches for universities, parents and kids on how to tackle the problem and empower people to feel like they have the right to choose their sexual experiences.
Interview Highlights
On why the students opened up to them about sex
Hirsch: So the research that we did that we share in Sexual Citizens was part of a bigger project, The Sexual Health Initiative to Foster Transformation, which I co-directed with Claude Mellins. And so one of the ways that we worked with the students, we had a group of undergraduates who advised us and we also had a research team in the day-to-day data collection with students. And, so, some of the interviews I did, or Shamus did, but some of the interviews were done by this group of younger researchers. And we generally find in doing this kind of research that people are hungry to tell the stories of their lives.
Khan: I mean, we sent out this note as part of the broader project, just announcing the project. And students emailed back saying, I have a story to tell. And one of the things that we found was that people are often, you know, adults and young people’s lives are often producing so much silence around sex and sexuality that many of the young people we spoke to expressed it as a relief that someone finally sat down and listened to them about their sexual lives. …
Hirsch: There were so many of them that we had to hire another interviewer with experience in trauma-based research. I remember walking up Amsterdam after doing one of those interviews sobbing because the story [one woman] had told me about being assaulted and then trafficked was so intense. And yet she slung her backpack over her back and walked out of the interview room. I think, it seemed like she had a feeling of satisfaction that there was going to be somebody at the university who knew how she had suffered and was going to think about what that suffering would mean.
On consent and misinterpretation
Khan: So, so much of what we think about when we think about assault is predation, or sociopaths — that is people who are trying to assault someone. But what we found really frequently was that often people who assaulted others thought that they were having sex. They didn’t think that they were committing an assault. They didn’t think they were a predator. And, you know, we had one young man tell us a story, for example, and he said to us, I put on a tie so I knew I was going to have sex.
And, you know, he felt like she really liked him. She’d invited him to this formal and she had gotten very drunk. And he described to us her going in and out of consciousness as he, in his words, had sex with her. Thinking that’s what in some ways he was obligated to do. And in that context, you know, it has to do with … men who often think about their own needs and desires, but who also think about, you know, sex as something that they accomplish — and not really considering what the other person was thinking or what the other person’s [plan] might be in that moment.
On enormous neglect and lack of awareness
Hirsch: There’s neglect and there’s also, in many cases, a lack of awareness of their own power. In the book, we tell the story of a freshman Lucy being assaulted by a Scott. Obviously, all of these are pseudonyms. …Lucy was a freshman, it was orientation week. She met Scott in a bar. They stumbled back to the fraternity … he led her upstairs to his room, started to take off her pants. She said no. He said to her, it’s OK — but it wasn’t OK. He raped her. And in that moment, obviously, he’s a senior. She’s a freshman. So it’s not just gender that has power, it’s also age. It’s control over the space. It’s control over alcohol. So there’s so many forms of power that produce those experiences, those moments of vulnerability to assault. And the most charitable interpretation that we could give for Scott’s behavior is that he was unaware of how much power he exerted in that moment.
On describing assaults as assaults
Khan: There are lots of reasons why people don’t describe assaults as assaults. We need to remember that most people are assaulted by somebody they know, not by strangers. And given that, given that they know the person, given that they’ve often had some kind of sexual contact with them before, naming something an assault isn’t just describing what happened to you. It actually fundamentally transforms your relationship with that person — and often your relationships with your shared friends. It’s like saying, you know what, my boyfriend or my girlfriend is a sexual predator, is somebody who did something terrible to me. And many people don’t want to do that. They don’t want to say that. …
We heard from many young women who told us that they were in a room with a man and they didn’t really want to be there anymore. And so they just performed oral sex on him to get out of there. And those young men didn’t force those women to have sex — but I think that they fundamentally didn’t realize what it was that the person they were with wanted to do.
We had other stories of a young woman who was asked to go out for a walk with her ex-boyfriend, who was very upset about the fact that his sister had just gotten a cancer diagnosis and she was thinking she was going to comfort a friend. And he ended up raping her up against a tree and dragging her to the ground. And she told us this story — chuckling, laughing about how she later found dirt on her body. And she didn’t describe this as a rape, but instead as a weird experience that she had. For these women, it’s not that they’re fundamentally denying the experience of their assault. It’s that they’re enmeshed in so many relationships that are important to them that they don’t want to call it what we see it as, which is assault.
On changing the conversation
Khan: We’re trying to change the conversation away from: Did it happen or didn’t it happen? Did she say no or did she not say no as vigorously? And instead to say: How do we prevent this in the first place? So, I think that adjudicating that situation with that woman in the room, with that young man, is nearly impossible. But I think what we outlined in Sexual Citizens is a way to make sure that that situation is less likely to happen in the first place.
On race
Hirsch: So, yes, I think that the stories that black men shared with us about an acutely racialized fear of false accusation drove home the way gender is not the only form of power that shapes experiences of assault or accusation. And, so, there was a sense of racialized precarity. Black men, students, that we spoke with felt like they were marginal on campus, didn’t fully belong. Were less secure. And so the way they navigated consent reflected not just gender, but also race in … a really painful way.
Khan: As Jennifer has said so many times, racial justice is fundamentally an issue of preventing sexual assault. We may not think about those two things together, but it’s really important that we do. In addition to black men, every single black woman that we spoke to told us a story of unwanted, sexualized touching — every single one. It was profoundly disturbing when we analyzed our data that that occurred to us. And this reflected the ways in which black women’s experiences in college was something where their bodies were seen as accessible, things that people could touch without consent in in ways that other students didn’t describe to us.
On LGBTQ rates of assault
Khan: I think there were a lot of reasons why LGBTQ students experienced assault at higher rates. One was that they didn’t accept as normal the kind of touching that happens at parties. So, you know, if you’re in a college basement, at a party rubbing up against each other and someone, you know, casually uses their hand and grabs your butt or something like that — a lot of LGBT students were like, this is not what I’m here for. I’m here for a different kind of experience. Whereas for heterosexual students, you know, there was sort of an understanding that this was part and parcel of being a college student. But there are other reasons why LGBT students also experienced assault at such high, high, high levels. And that’s because every single LGBTQ student that we talked to told us that they had sex ed that wasn’t at all relevant to their own sexual experiences, or sexual identities. And so, really, they just had to figure out sex on their own without any guidance from the communities and families that had raised them.
On solving the problem
Hirsch: Part of what solving the problem would look like is starting out when kids are young. Teaching them how to be respectful of other people’s bodies, right. It starts out in kindergarten. Sit criss-cross applesauce. Keep your hands on your own body. So those sort of early lessons in interpersonal respect, which are part of comprehensive sex education but are also part of just good education, are a fundamental first step.
Khan: And I think further steps are: comprehensive sex ed. You know, it wasn’t just LGBTQ students who described sex ed that really didn’t meet their needs. Most young people describe the sex ed that they received as a sexual-diseases course, or something that was incredibly fear-based. Here are the risks of pregnancy. Here are the risks of sexually transmitted infections. Here are the risks of sex — sex is something terrifying and really dangerous. And instead, we need to think about talking to young people about sex that’s something that will be really important in their lives. That’s going to be one of the ways in which they connect to some of those [that] are the most meaningful relationships that they’ll have. And to talk to young people about sex where they treat the other person that they’re having sex with as a human being — not just a toy that they’re going to be playing with. And if we don’t do that, what’s going to happen is that young people are going to learn about sex, but they’re going to learn about it from things like pornography.
On what parents can do
Hirsch: I think, as parents, we have a choice. We can have conversations with our children and, you know, the other children in our lives, about sex and values and how to treat people and what feels good. Or we can let our kids have their sexual values be formed by pornography and advertising.
Research and charity organizations have dedicated a heartening number of resources to studying—and offering support to—those living with cerebral palsy (CP). CP is a rare disorder which may lead to vastly varied effects on a person’s lifelong balance, movement, and muscle tone and control. Yet for all the support and information out there, almost none of it explores how CP can affect an individual or a couple’s sex life.
These resources, while limited, highlight how diverse the experience of sex with CP can be: Most people with CP experience some issues with balance and positioning, fatigue, or pelvic floor muscle tone, not to mention spasticity and stiffness in their joints or muscles. For some, these issues are minor, maybe even functionally inconsequential. But for others, they limit the positions or acts they can engage in, or require clever fixes involving, say, pillows and harnesses. Almost everyone, though, reportsstruggling with self-confidence, the idea that they are desirable and worthy of sexual pleasure, in the face of relentless cultural desexualization.
Still, most discussions of sex and CP focus on the experiences of the individual with the condition alone. As the saying goes, it takes (at least) two to tango; in any sexual relationship, be it short- or long-term, involving an able-bodied and disabled person, both parties have to figure out how to navigate sex together. To shed a little light on how this two-way navigation and exploration can unfold—keeping in mind the caveat that everyone’s sexual experience, especially with a condition as complex and varied as CP, is unique— VICE recently reached out to Alexander Presthus, a man with CP, and Christina Casetti, his long-term able-bodied partner. They told us, in detail, about how they initially felt out, built up, and now manage their sexual and intimate life together.
Alexander: [I started thinking about how my CP might affect my sex life] in my early teens, or even a little before. It was quite evident that girls didn’t see me as a potential love interest. For the longest time, I thought I would never find anyone. I thought no one would be interested.
When I was around 20, [I realized girls could be interested in me]. It takes people a certain amount of time and maturity to get used to the idea of something romantic with a disabled person. So around that time, girls tended to be more open to me, whereas before, they were completely off the idea. I had my first kiss when I was 20—in a hospital, actually, so very romantic. That’s when I started to gain some confidence. After I started gaining confidence, it was easier to get the interest of a woman. It snowballed from there; I got my first regular girlfriend when I was 22. That experience solidified my confidence in being able to have a fairly normal sex and romantic life.
But fine motor skills are not my forte. When it comes to sex, positions that are more adventurous are a no-go. And I noticed that people thought I was fragile. They were afraid something would go horribly wrong during sex, or thought that they would hurt me or something like that.
Still, as I got more confident, I got less scared about what other people would think. So I got more honest and open [about my CP and sex]. But I wouldn’t mention it much because I didn’t want to make it a bigger deal than it was.
Christina: Yeah, [when we were getting involved], you just said, “I have CP.” Oh, okay.
[Before I met Alexander,] I’d just had experiences with able-bodied people. I study medicine, but everything in those books is just so sterile. So I’d never thought about the sexual [side of things.]
So when he said, “I have CP,” well, first, I hadn’t noticed because we met on Skype and he was sitting so it didn’t really show. But I didn’t know what to expect. Then I read [about it, including an article he’d written on sex and CP,] so I had a bit of insight… But I felt lost, because it was entirely new. And when I tried to find things out, I didn’t find many resources. Everything was for parents and caregivers [of children with CP]. I would have liked to talk about sex and CP with someone who was not him and say things [that I was feeling but] that he might perceive as negative. I don’t want him to be sad—especially if he’s the problem, so to speak.
But I didn’t have any expectations [going into sex]. I just took what came and said, okay, if we work, we work. I also learned from him that there’s always a solution. And we found them.
Mostly, I just wanted to keep things natural with him, like I had with other people before him, and to find out together what we could do and what we liked and talk about it.
Alexander: I don’t think we talked much before [the first time we had sex].
Christina: We did talk a little bit about things you could and could not do. One thing that stuck with me was you not being able to put the condom on and needing the partner to do it. I’d never done it before and I was a bit scared. But that and other things come more naturally to me now.
Not just in sex, but in general, I would tend to overstep and do things because I’d think, oh, he can’t do it. But then I’d learn, oh, he can. Everything else, though, we talk about [in the moment] and decide if it’s better if he does it, or if I do it. With the condoms, though, it’s always me.
Alexander: It’s just more practical.
Christina: But he tells me things, and I listen.
Alexander: Which is a great improvement on the majority of the population, because they don’t listen. They have a preconceived notion of what they should do [with a disabled person]. People either tend to be overbearing and do everything for you, or they’re over-afraid and don’t do anything.
When Rhonda Lynn Way was in her 50s and on the dating scene for the first time since she was 21, she had no idea where to start. Her marriage of 33 years had recently ended, and she didn’t know any single men her age in Longview, Texas, where she lives. She tried to use dating apps, but the experience felt bizarre and daunting. “You’re thrust out into this cyberworld after the refuge of being in a marriage that—even if it wasn’t wonderful—was the norm. And it’s so difficult,” she told me.
Way is now 63 and still single. She’s in good company: More than one-third of Baby Boomers aren’t currently married. Throughout their adult life, their generation has had higher rates of separation and divorce, and lower rates of marriage in the first place, than the generations that preceded them. And as people are living longer, the divorce rate for those 50 or older is rising. But that longer lifespan also means that older adults, more than ever before, have years ahead of them to spark new relationships. “Some people [in previous cohorts] might not have thought about repartnering,” notes Linda Waite, a sociologist at the University of Chicago. “But they weren’t going to live to 95.”
Getting back out there can be difficult, though. Wendy McNeil, a 64-year-old divorcée who works in fundraising, told me that she misses the old kind of dating, when she’d happen upon cute strangers in public places or get paired up by friends and colleagues. “I went on so many blind dates,” she said, reminiscing about her 20s and 30s. “So many wonderful dates.” She met her former husband when she went to brunch by herself and saw him reading a newspaper; she asked whether she could share it. Now her friends don’t seem to have anyone to recommend for her, and she senses that it’s no longer acceptable to approach strangers.
The only way she can seem to find a date is through an app, but even then, McNeil told me, dating online later in life, and as a black woman, has been terrible. “There aren’t that many black men in my age group that are available,” she explained. “And men who aren’t people of color are not that attracted to black women.” She recently stopped using one dating site for this reason. “They were sending me all white men,” she said.
Bill Gross, a program manager at SAGE—an organization for older LGBTQ adults—told me that the spaces that used to serve the gay community as meeting places for potential partners, such as gay bars, now don’t always feel welcoming to older adults. In fact, many gay bars have become something else entirely—more of a general social space, as younger gay people have turned to Grindr and other apps for hookups and dates.
Dating apps can be overwhelming for some older adults—or just exhausting. Al Rosen, a 67-year-old computer engineer living in Long Island, described sending out so many dating-app messages that he had to start keeping notecards with details about each person (likes concerts, enjoys going to wineries) so that he didn’t mix them up on phone calls. He and others I talked with were tired of the whole process—of putting themselves out there again and again, just to find that most people are not a match. (For what it’s worth, according to survey data, people of all ages seem to agree that online dating leaves a lot to be desired.)
But apps, for all their frustrations, can also be hugely helpful: They provide a way for seniors to meet fellow singles even when their peers are all coupled up. “Social circles used to be constrained to your partner’s circles, your work, your family, and maybe neighbors,” Sue Malta, a sociologist at the University of Melbourne who studies aging, told me. “And once you became widowed or divorced, your circles shrank. If someone in your circle was also widowed, you wouldn’t know whether they were interested in dating unless you asked.” Dating apps make it clear whether someone’s interested or not.
Even with that assistance, though, many older Baby Boomers aren’t going on many dates. A 2017 study led by Michael Rosenfeld, a social demographer at Stanford University, found that the percentage of single, straight women who met at least one new person for dating or sex in the previous 12 months was about 50 percent for women at age 20, 20 percent at age 40, and only 5 percent at age 65. (The date-finding rates were more consistent over time for the men surveyed.)
Indeed, the people I spoke with noted that finding someone with whom you’re compatible can be more difficult at their age. Over the years, they told me, they’ve become more “picky,” less willing—or less able—to bend themselves to fit with someone else, as if they’ve already hardened into their permanent selves. Their schedules, habits, and likes and dislikes have all been set for so long. “If you meet in your 20s, you mold yourselves and form together,” said Amy Alexander, a 54-year-old college-admissions coach. “At this age, there’s so much life stuff that’s happened, good and bad. It’s hard to meld with someone.”
Finding a good match can be particularly hard for straight older women, who outnumber their male counterparts. Women tend to live (and stay healthier) longer, and they also tend to wind up with older men; the older they get, the smaller and older their pool of potential partners grows. “About half of men will go on to repartner,” Susan Brown, a sociologist at Bowling Green State University, told me. “For women, it’s smaller—a quarter at best.” (And divorced men and women ages 50 or older, Brown said, are more likely than widows to form new relationships, while those who never married are the least likely to settle down with someone later on.)
One possible explanation for this gender disparity is that men rely more on their partners—not just when it comes to cooking and housework, but also for emotional and social support. Women are more likely to have their own friends to lean on, and they may not be eager to take care of another man. “For many women, it’s the first time in their life they’ve had independence—they might own a home or have a pension, or something they live off every week,” Malta told me. “They don’t want to share that.”
Still, healthy men are in high demand in assisted-living homes, Brown told me. And many of the older women I spoke with said that they were desperate to find someone active, screening dating profiles for mentions of physical activity and asking sly questions about family health conditions.
Health becomes a pressing dating concern once people enter their final stage of life. One 85-year-old woman I spoke with, who asked not to be identified in order to protect her privacy, has been dating an 89-year-old man for more than 10 years. His health is significantly worse than hers, and although she loves her partner and says she’ll stay with him, the relationship is getting harder. They don’t live together—a rule that’s been important for her, as someone who values her independence, loves to travel, and doesn’t want to slow a pace she knows he can’t keep up with. When she visits him in his retirement home a few times a week, she can sense that his health is declining. “We had wonderful conversations early on, but fewer now because he’s less engaged,” she told me. “It makes me sad to watch it happen.”
For reasons like this and others, a growing number of older people are “living apart together,” meaning they’re in a relationship but don’t share a home. It’s a setup that would have been less accepted in the past but represents today’s less rigid norms for older age. Without kids to take care of or jobs to juggle, older adults are forming the kinds of relationships that work for them.
Those relationships, whether casual or serious, typically involve sex. Someresearchers have found evidence of a loss of libido in older age, especially among women, but other researchers I interviewed disputed that. Meredith Kazer, a professor of nursing at Fairfield University who’s studied sexuality among older people, told me that only if and when cognitive impairment makes true consent impossible should someone stop having sex. In fact, the annual “Singles in America” survey, commissioned by the dating site Match.com, has shown that people report having the best sex of their lives in their 60s—they’ve had decades to figure out what they like, and as Kazer pointed out, they often have more time on their hands.
Of course, there are physical challenges: Starting around age 50, erections are more difficult to sustain (and less hard), and take longer to regain after orgasm. Natural vaginal lubrication dries up, the pelvic floor becomes prone to spasms, and the cervix thins out and becomes irritable. Sex can be painful, or just embarrassing or frustrating. And many of the medical conditions that are common in older adults, such as diabetes or cardiovascular disease—or the medications used to treat them—get in the way as well, impacting libido, erectile function, or response to sexual stimulation.
But there are plenty of ways to get around those limitations, from Viagra to hormone-replacement therapies to lubricants. And more than that, an assumption that older people will be incapable of sex because of erectile dysfunction or vaginal dryness presumes a narrow definition of sex, limited to penetrative intercourse. “It becomes more about exploring each other’s bodies in other ways that they find more intimate,” Malta told me.
Karen, a 69-year-old in New York City who asked to be identified by only her first name to protect her privacy, told me that sex is great at her age. She finds that men are more aware of women’s desires; if they can’t sustain erections, they’re more thoughtful and creative, and they compensate—often with oral sex. “They’re very willing to do whatever it takes,” she said. Suki Hanfling, a sex therapist and a co-author of Sexuality in Midlife and Beyond, told me that she knows lots of elderly people having great sex; she mentioned one who had her first orgasm at the age of 83.
This is a sharp contrast to what many women now in old age experienced earlier in life. “For a lot of older women, it was sex in bed with the lights off, their nightshirt pulled up, and it was about men’s pleasure,” Malta told me. Moreover, she said, older adults are freer now to explore the fluidity of attraction and gender. Some who have identified as heterosexual their whole life are trying out same-sex relationships that they previously thought of as off-limits.
Older adults who are forming new relationships, and finding new possibilities within them, don’t have all the time in the world. That reality can cast a shadow, tingeing even the best moments with an edge of sadness, but it can also clarify the beauty in each other and the world. I heard this firsthand from many older daters; they were conscious of their limited time, sometimes painfully so, but those who had found new partners felt particularly grateful that they were able to do so later in life.
And those I spoke with who were single were often happily so. Al Rosen, the sexagenarian with the dating-app flash cards, told me he was—for the first time ever—really enjoying spending time alone. Laura Iacometta, a 68-year-old director of a theater company in New York City, told me that she’s disappointed by the scarcity of hookups in her older lesbian community, but that she’s “more self-actualized than I’ve ever been in my entire life.”
So although lots of unmarried older people aren’t going on many dates, they aren’t all dissatisfied. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist at the Kinsey Institute who helps conduct the “Singles in America” study, told me about two questions they asked respondents in the 2012 iteration of the survey: How likely are you to pursue a committed relationship with someone who offers everything you are looking for in a relationship but whom you don’t find sexually attractive? And what about someone with whom you’re not in love? They found that the single people least likely to compromise on attractiveness and feelings were those 60 and older. Fisher’s hypothesis is that older adults are less desperate to find partners than they may have been at a younger age—because they wanted someone to raise children with, or because they felt a societal pressure to partner up.
Rhonda Lynn Way, the woman from Texas, has decided to pull back from dating for a while. “I don’t think there’s one love of your life,” she told me. “I think there’s love.” And she’s sharing love in all kinds of ways—reaching out to people in her community who seem like they need it, reminding her kids that she adores them, hosting spaghetti dinners for her Unitarian Universalist congregation. I asked her whether she was happy being single. “You come into this world by yourself, but somewhere along the line we get this idea that you’re part of a half,” she said. “You are whole all to yourself.”
Sexual wellness is a subject sweeping the globe that is expected to trend upwards in the years to come.
An April 2019 Arizton Advisory and Intelligence report on the global sexual wellness market projects it will rise to around $39 billion in value by 2024, with a CAGR of over 7%.
Little to no data on the cannabis sexual wellness market has been published at this time. Yet two once-taboo subjects have become more mainstream in recent years, with varying public acceptance.
Now, with consumers and a few lab studies suggesting efficacy exists, the market may be poised for significant growth.
Anecdotal evidence has long suggested there is a benefit to combining cannabis and sex.
Cannabis In The Bedroom
CBD use results in more intense orgasms as well as enhances a couple’s satisfaction in the bedroom, according to a survey conducted by Remedy Review.
Daniel Saynt, the founder and “chief conspirator” of NSFW, a cannabis and kink community in New York City, discussed why cannabis may help sex.
“Cannabis is a social lubricant. Smoking the right strain is more effective than alcohol in making you feel comfortable in a sexual situation.”
Zachary Zane is a freelance writer who covers subjects including sex and cannabis.
Cannabis helps Zane to not “overthink” in the act, he said.
“Cannabis allows me to be more present in the moment and to really enjoy the experience.”
The Research On Cannabis And Sex
In 2009 a research report concluded that endocannabinoid receptors are found throughout the human body, including sexual organs.
Dr. Sadie Allison, a sexologist, author and sexual wellness entrepreneur, recently expanded into the CBD space with the launch of GoLove CBD Sensual Lubricant.
The sexologist entered the market after research on the subject produced “very promising results,” she said.
Rachel Braun Scherl leads the female sexual health unit at biotech startup Manna Molecular Science in Massachusetts.
Scherl spoke directly to how she said CBD can benefit a woman’s sexual health.
“CBD is a clitoral and vaginal smooth muscle relaxant that, thus, facilitates clitoral engorgement and vaginal lubrication and ultimately orgasm.”
Alison Krongard, a co-founder of the recently launched Her Highness cannabis line, touched on the different applications cannabis has for men and women. Krongard, whos company produces CBD and THC sexual wellness products, said the rise in the number of products targeting females is a reflection of how much women love the plant.
And it’s healthier than many alternatives, she said.
“A lot of women finish the day with a glass of wine and a Xanax.”
Cannabis Sexual Wellness For Men, Gender Neutral Consumers
For men, NSFW’s Saynt said cannabis can desensitize the genitals due to its anti-inflammatory properties.
A potential area of benefit in Saynt’s view is cannabis suppositories, for those who enjoy anal stimulation.
“There is some demand, but there’s a lack of education and very little is being done to target the gay and bi community with these products,” he said.
GoLove’s Allison said she has seen an uptick in men purchasing sexual wellness and pleasure products over the past two decades, noting the expanding array of choices as a factor.
“Men are historically the largest buying segment of cannabis and cannabis-related products, [and] I have no doubt that the demand for male-focused cannabis sex products will grow in the same way as the adult products industry.”
Manna’s Scherl highlighted the importance of gender fluidity and gender neutral products.
“Today, we know so much more about the fluidity of gender, but as a society, we still have so much more to learn,” said Scherl. “It is no longer sufficient to have solutions focused on people who identify only as male or only female.”
On the other hand, Zane said many products like cannabis lubes can already be enjoyed by all genders.
“[Men and gender neutral people] don’t necessarily need specific products if it can work for all genders,” the writer said. “That said, if there are sexual issues and topics that specifically pertain to men and GNC folks that cannabis can help, let’s do it!”
Cannabis Sex Product Development
To ensure product quality and safety, companies often engage in years-long research.
Krongard said Her Highness worked for roughly three years on its product development.
“We went through a couple of different formulators before we found the team that really understood what we were doing.”
Saynt and NSFW are developing a strain of cannabis flower aimed at enhancing sexual wellness.
In collaboration with Cherry Kola Farms, the duo combined three separate strains known for their stimulating properties.
Club members have responded well to test runs, Saynt said.
“We’re hoping to create our own line of lubricant with this custom strain, as we feel the type of cannabis you use in your lube is important,” he said.
The Challenges Ahead
While cannabis and sex are more widely accepted now, Krongard said it’s far from universal.
“I had one meeting with the guy who owns a dispensary who just could not wrap his head around talking to women about a pleasure oil.”
Others echoed a need for additional education and acceptance. They also believe a change could come through the marketplace. The interest and investment in the sectors will create a “sea change,” said Manna’s Scherl.
“We are already seeing consumers, buyers and patients voting for the products and solutions they want, and will pay for in dozens of categories related to both sex and cannabis.”
It’s a classic Hollywood plot: Couple starts an epic screaming match with each other, then mid-fight, one partner pushes the other up against the wall, they kiss oh-so passionately, and things escalate to hot, steamy makeup sex. (I mean, raise your hand if that scene from The Notebook still leaves you hot and bothered.)
The argument = over. Relationship = restored. The end.
You and I both know this actually happens IRL too. Whenever my ex and I would argue, I’d immediately want to tackle him—not in a physical fight kind of way but more in like an I-suddenly-need-to-jump-your-bones way. The makeup sex was always soooo good.
Why is this a thing? Is there a link between being angry and horny? Or are we all just kinky mother-effers? After speaking with psychotherapists, physiology experts, and sexperts, I’ve learned that there is def some science behind this madness. Here are seven solid reasons why some people get turned on after arguing with their partner:
1. Hormones
Hormones like testosterone, adrenaline, and cortisol (the stress hormone) all spike when we fight with someone, including our romantic partners. “When cortisol is released from stress, our bodies and minds may yearn for the closeness that sex provides,” explains certified sexologist Jenni Skyler, PhD.
The relief of orgasm and pleasure increases serotonin, dopamine, adrenaline, and oxytocin (the love hormone), explains sex and relationship therapist Andrew Aaron, LICSW. TL;DR: This means that while the hormones released during a fight can rile you up, the hormones released after a fight calm you down, make you feel satisfied, give you feelings of power, and increase your sense of safety—which, conveniently, all magically combine to make you want to bone. A true climax and resolution.
2. Evolution
Banging after an angry fight with your partner unlocks a deep and primal part of your psyche. “Sex after a fight not only provides relief, it also creates excitement. You go from being threatened to feeling triumphant in overcoming the threat by surviving,” says Aaron. Basically, you may feel like you’ve overcome something major, so your body celebrates by getting all excited (read: horny AF) as a result.
3. Anxiety and arousal
Arousal and anxiety are sister sensations that increase your heart rate, blood flow, and breathing. “The excitement from one of those emotions is likely to transfer to another,” explains sexologist Robert Thomas, cofounder of Sextopedia.
“When we’re under stress, such as the stress induced by an argument, our sympathetic nervous system is aroused,” says relationship and sex coach Michele Lisenbury Christensen. (Aka, this is why fights turn you on.) “This also sparks your fight or flight response, which fills you full of energy and makes you motivated to want to physically act in some way,” adds physiology expert Elesa Zehndorfer, PhD. What better way to satiate that need to get physical than with that hot person right in front of you who’s also pissing you off? Sounds like the most logical option, IMHO.
5. You’re into sadomasochism
Did you know that the word “passion” has a Latin origin that actually comes from “patior,” which means to suffer? So, like, “Hurts so good” is a saying for a reason. “There’s a close link between anger, passion, suffering, and connection,” says relationship coach Valarie Merced, founder of Precipice Magazine.
Fighting can stimulate sadomasochistic sexual fantasies (aka gaining sexual pleasure from inflicting or receiving pain), explains Gail Saltz, MD, a psychiatrist specializing in relationships and mental health. But, FWIW, just because you like makeup sex doesn’t mean you’re a hundred percent going to be into BDSM. Although, if you *are* already into it, you might be one of the ~lucky~ ones who get turned on from fighting. (Hi, guilty as charged. Now, handcuff me. JK, not JK.)
6. Makeup—aka “mad at you”—sex is awesome
Wanting to reestablish a connection and forgive your partner (or yourself) is a high-priority post-fight…which is exactly why you may turn to some “Fuck me like you hate me” sex to repair the bond. The evidence:
“I’m almost ashamed to admit it, but fucking after we fight is hot. Everything’s heightened and you’re breathing heavy. It’s you and this other hot-blooded person you’re presumably sexually attracted to. That makes me want my man. Like, he is MINE,” says Nicole, 33.
“We’re both desperately waiting for the fight to end because we’re still so physically and emotionally drawn to one another as we fight.” says Scarlett, 26.
“Who the hell doesn’t love makeup sex? It makes things more passionate and aggressive, which is always a plus,” agrees Kayla, 23. “It starts off with anger and rage but slowly transitions into love and passion and ends up being sweet.”
Clearly, we’re all IRL Sour Patch Kids.
7. It‘s a way to cope with trauma
Traumatic events that contained fighting or intense anger (during childhood or some point of your early years) can sometimes get connected to sexual feelings, says Dr. Saltz. Because of this, it could be that you’re horny whenever you fight with your partner.
“Psychologically, when couples fight, they often instigate a trigger or very scared part of their younger memory system,” explains Skyler. Fear creates a sense of abandonment, inadequacy, or both, so sex can sometimes alleviate that fear by increasing intimacy and reestablishing feelings of safety.
If this is the case for you, you may want to seek therapy to unlearn this type of conditioning and coping mechanism. “Better understanding this part of you will help you to find methods to get that sex-fueled romp that’s less destructive to your relationship than purposely picking fights,” Dr. Saltz says.
Given that sex has existed as long as the human race has, you’d think our scientists, doctors, and psychologists would have collectively figured out all there is to know about sex by now. But the truth is, there are still many, many aspects of human sexuality that are a big, unexplored, confusing question mark. The good news is, 2019 has been quite the year in the world of sex research. Here are a few of the most fascinating findings we’ve made this year:
1. Women are still struggling to talk about what they want in bed.
In 2019, more than half of American women were still struggling to talk about what they want sexually. A study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found 55% of women in the U.S. reported experiencing situations in which they had wanted to communicate with a partner about how they wanted to be touched and what sexually turned them on but decided not to say anything. About one in five women didn’t feel comfortable talking about her sexual desires at all, and one in 10 had never experienced sex in which she felt like her partner valued her sexual pleasure.
2. Just saying the word “clitoris” out loud is linked to better sex for women.
Yes, it really matters that much. As we’ve known for a while, the clitoris is the key to sexual pleasure for people who have them—but mainstream narratives and norms around sex prioritize P-in-V penetration as the main act of sex, despite the fact that the majority of clit owners can’t get off from that alone. Further proving how important the clit is, the same study cited above found that just being comfortable using the word “clitoris” is associated with greater sexual satisfaction and being less likely to fake orgasms. The researchers said their findings indicate why it’s so important for us as a society and as individuals to start talking openly about our sex lives. When you’re comfortable talking about sex—including the specific body parts where you like to get touched—you’re way more likely to convey that to your partners and then get the type of stimulation that actually feels good for you.
3. Not all orgasms are good.
Orgasms are not the definitive marker of good sex, as it turns out. In another study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, researchers found 55% of people had experienced a “bad orgasm,” including orgasms that physically hurt, orgasms that didn’t feel as pleasurable as past orgasms, or orgasms that happened in sexually coercive contexts, such that having the orgasm led to intense psychological turmoil.
4. People in relationships really are having less sex.
Experts have been talking about a so-called sex recession for the last year or so, in which several different data reports have been showing people are having less sex these days than in generations prior. One multiyear study published in the BMJ this year found the majority of the dip is happening among married people and cohabiting couples. Some of their key findings: In 2001, 38% of women and 30% of men in serious relationships had no sex in the past month. In 2012, that number jumped to 51% for women and 66% for men in serious relationships. What’s more, even sexually active couples were having less sex than usual: In 2012, just 48% of women and 50% of men in serious relationships reported having sex at least four times in the last month, meaning about half of couples are having sex less than once a week.
5. But millennials don’t think they’re in a sex recession.
Cosmopolitan conducted a nationally representative survey on over 1,000 people. Their findings showed 71% of millennials feel “personally satisfied” with how much sex they’re having, and 62% of millennials think their friends are having “plenty of sex” too. So maybe it’s all relative?
6. Commitment and better sex are linked.
Researchers surveyed hundreds of couples in several weeks of couples’ therapy to ask about their commitment levels and sex lives each week. Published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, their study found commitment and good sex were definitely linked: Having good sex one week was associated with couples feeling more committed to each other the following week. The reverse was also true. Feeling more committed to each other one week was associated with the couple having better sex the following week. The two seem to feed off each other.
7. People who love casual sex are more committed to their relationships when those relationships are consensually non-monogamous.
If you think people who love casual sex are inherently less committed in their relationships, think again. A study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that, in consensually non-monogamous relationships, enjoying casual sex (i.e., “sociosexuality”) was associated with being more committed to your relationship.
8. Childhood trauma is associated with less sexual satisfaction in adulthood.
People with more traumatic experiences in childhood tend to have less satisfying sex lives in adulthood, according to a study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. Why? Experiencing trauma as a kid is associated with experiencing more daily psychological distress and with being less mindful, two qualities that may affect one’s ability to engage and feel pleasure during sex.
9. More than half of seniors are unhappy with their sex lives.
You know what you hear about people having less sex as they get older? That might be true, but it might not be because seniors want less sex. A study published in the journal PLOS ONE found 58% of men and women between ages 55 and 74 are not satisfied with their sex lives. In another study published in the journal Menopause, 78% of the more than 4,000 postmenopausal women surveyed were sexually inactive. Of these sexually inactive women, the top reasons for not having sex were not having a partner to have sex with, having a partner with a medical condition making sex out of the question, and having a partner dealing with sexual dysfunction.
10. These three key factors reliably turn women on.
A study of 662 straight women identified three factors that made women more likely to experience sexual desire for someone: intimacy (i.e., feelings of closeness and deep affection), celebrated otherness (i.e., seeing yourself as a separate entity from your partner instead of seeing yourselves together as a single unit), and object-of-desire affirmation (i.e., being told you are desirable).
This is an oft-repeated myth, but findings published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences have officially disproved the idea that men are “more visual” than women are when it comes to sex. The researchers reanalyzed over 60 studies, each of which had hooked up men and women to fMRI machines while showing them porn to try to see how their brains reacted. Gender was the least predictive factor in determining how activated a person’s brain was while viewing the erotic material.
12. One in four women experienced pain during their most recent sexual experience.
In a study of over 2,000 women published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, researchers found nearly a quarter of women had experienced pain the last time they’d had sex. Of those who’d experienced pain, 49% didn’t tell their partner about it. Those who’d experienced little to no pleasure during the sexual experience were also three times more likely to not tell their partner about the pain.
13. Vaginal dryness and atrophy begin in perimenopause.
During and after menopause, hormonal shifts tend to cause the vaginal walls to become thinner and lubricate less. Known as vaginal atrophy, these changes tend to cause vaginal dryness, which predictably leads to more difficulties having sex. (Nothing that a little lube can’t fix, of course.) However, a new study published in the journal Menopause has found that these symptoms of vaginal atrophy, vaginal dryness, and the sexual pain that comes with them may actually begin in perimenopause—the period of time right before menopause hits, around ages 40 to 55.
14. Better sex ed improves LGBTQ kids’ mental health.
Sex ed is important for supporting people’s sexual health and helping people navigate sex safely. But it also has important mental health benefits for people in the LGBTQ community, according to new research in the American Journal of Sexuality Education. The study found kids who received sex ed that was inclusive of people with diverse genders and sexual orientations tended to have less anxiety, less depression, and fewer suicidal tendencies.
15. Open-minded people are more likely to cheat.
A study published in the Personality and Individual Differences journal found the personality trait most associated with cheating was open-mindedness. In other words, people who are more open to new experiences and people tend to be more likely to cheat as well. Seems obvious, but open-mindedness is also correlated with being more welcoming, more creative, more sexually liberated, and more extroverted. So…uh-oh?
16. There are at least some psychological components to why some people struggle with their sex drive.
Researchers interviewed about 100 couples where one partner struggles with sexual desire and about 100 couples with no such struggles. Published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, the study identified a few common traits among the partners who struggled with desire: They were more likely to pursue sex simply to avoid negative consequences (like a disappointed partner) and less likely to pursue sex to experience positive outcomes (like orgasms and connection). The findings also suggested they may “have difficulties recognizing and responding to their partners’ sexual needs due to having fewer sexual needs themselves.”
You can’t make this stuff up! A study published in the journal Sex Education found female students who had taken a sexuality class that discussed the orgasm gap tended to have more orgasms and better orgasms after they took the class than before.
18. Parents have better sex when they like each other.
Yes, researchers talked to 93 couples and found those who complimented each other more and had higher opinions of each other tended to have higher levels of sexual satisfaction in the relationship. It might seem obvious, but many long-term couples (especially parents) will readily admit that just because they’re married and in love does not mean that they always like each other. That means couples should never dismiss the importance of making sure actual feelings of affection and positivity still live on in their relationship.
19. Postcoital dysphoria affects men too.
Postcoital dysphoria refers to inexplicable feelings of sadness, frustration, or distress after having otherwise pleasurable sex. Some people assume that women are more likely to be emotional after having sex, but a study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy found 41% of men have experienced PCD, and 20% experienced it in the last four weeks.
20. How you feel about your genitalia affects your sex life.
Feeling self-conscious about your vulva or penis might actually affect how much pleasure you’re experiencing during sex. A study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy found people who felt more confident about their genitalia tend to have less stress about their “performance” during sex and better sexual functioning, which includes getting turned on easily, having more vaginal lubrication, and being able to orgasm with ease.
21. Sexual desire is buildable.
For couples, experiencing sexual desire today makes you more likely to experience sexual desire tomorrow and have sex tomorrow, according to a study published in the Archives of Sexual Desire. That means couples who want to improve their sex lives should consider starting small: Just adding a few moments of heat and turn-on daily, even without having sex, will build up sexual desire over time.
Teenagers and young men still don’t have the right vocabulary. Can we help them get there?
By Peggy Orenstein
A while back, during a discussion I was having with a group of high school students about sexual ethics, a boy raised his hand to ask me, “Can you have sex without feelings?” The other guys in the room nodded, leaned forward, curious, maybe a little challenging. Strictly speaking, of course, even indifference is a feeling, but I knew what they meant: They wanted to know if they could have sex without caring: devoid of vulnerability, even with disregard for a partner. To put it in teenage parlance, they wanted to know whether it was truly possible to “hit it and quit it.”
I thought about those boys this week as I watched Harvey Weinstein, in an Oscar-worthy performance of abject harmlessness, hobble on his walker into the New York Supreme Court in Manhattan. The #MeToo movement has exposed sexual misconduct, coercion and harassment across every sector of society. But shining light on a problem won’t, in itself, solve it, not even if Mr. Weinstein ends up with (fingers crossed) the longest prison sentence in history. To make real change we need to tackle something larger and more systemic: the pervasive culture that urges boys toward disrespect and detachment in their intimate encounters.
Despite a new imperative to be scrupulous about affirmative consent, young men are still subject to incessant messages that sexual conquest — being always down for sex, racking up their “body count,” regardless of how they or their partner may feel about it — remains the measure of a “real” man, and a reliable path to social status. As one high school junior explained: “Guys need to prove themselves to their guys. So to do that, you’re going to be dominating. You’re going to maybe push. Because, it’s like the girl is just there as a means for him to get off and a means for him to brag.”
I never intended to write about boys. As a journalist, I have spent over a quarter of a century chronicling girls’ lives — that has been my calling and my passion. But four years ago, after publishing a book about the contradictions young women still face in their intimate encounters, I realized, perhaps inevitably, that if I truly wanted to promote safer, more enjoyable, more egalitarian sexual relationships among young people, I needed to have the other half of the conversation. So I began interviewing young men — dozens, of different backgrounds, in their early teens and 20s — about sex and love, hookup culture and relationships, masculinity and media, sexual consent and misconduct. #MeToo wasn’t the impetus for my work (I began well before the Weinstein story broke) but it quickly underscored the urgency.
Few of the boys had previously had such conversations. Certainly not with their parents, most of whom would rather poke themselves in the eye with a fork than speak frankly to their sons about sex. I can’t say that I blame them: It’s excruciating, and it’s not like our own parents offered a template.
Yet that silence has troubling implications. According to a 2017 national survey of 3,000 high school students and young adults by the Making Caring Common Project, a large majority of boys never had a single conversation with their parents about, for instance, how to be sure that your partner “wants to be — and is comfortable — having sex with you,” or about what it meant to be a “a caring and respectful sexual partner.” About two-thirds had never heard from their parents that they shouldn’t have sex with someone who is too intoxicated to consent. Most had never been told by parents not to catcall girls or use degrading terms such as “bitches” or “hoes” — this despite the fact that nearly 90 percent of the girls in the survey reported having been sexually harassed.
Adults may assume those ideas are self-evident, beyond the need for comment, but given the rates of coercion, misconduct and assault among men both young and old, boys are clearly not getting the message by osmosis. The vast majority of teenagers, though, who did have conversations like these with their parents — and boys even more than girls — described them as at least somewhat influential on their thinking.
Nor will schools pick up the slack. Most states still require sex education to stress abstinence (a legit option, for sure, as long as it’s one among many: not a mandate that equates sexually active teens with, say, chewed pieces of gum). But many more progressive, supposedly comprehensive classes aren’t much better, often focused predominantly on risk and danger: avoiding pregnancy and preventing disease. Increasingly, sexual consent is being added to that cautionary to-do list, as it should be. Too often, though, that question of yes or no becomes a stand-in for all conversation about sexual decision-making: another way to dodge more nuanced discussions of personal responsibility, open communication, establishing relationships, understanding gender dynamics and — the third rail of sex ed classes — reciprocal pleasure and the L.G.B.T.Q.+ perspective.
I found gay boys, by the way, to be notably more willing and able than others to negotiate the terms of a sexual encounter — they had to be, since who was going to do what with whom could not be assumed. They often seemed puzzled by heterosexuals’ reticence. “I don’t know why straight guys see consent as a mood-killer,” one college sophomore said. “I’m like, ‘if we’re talking, that means we’re going to have sex — this is great!’”
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Dan Savage, the syndicated sex advice columnist, refers to “the four magic words” gay guys will use during a sexual encounter: What are you into?” That’s a very different perspective than that of straight boys, who usually aim for one-word assent to options they define. I do fear, though, that since girls, as I’d previously found, are so often disconnected from their bodies’ desires and responses, their answer to an authentic conversation-starter might well be, “I have no idea.” What might happen, though, if teenagers learned to start talking to each other that way early on?
Absent guidance from trusted adults, boys look to the media as a default sex educator, where they are bombarded by images of female sexual availability and male sexual entitlement. With the rise of the internet, smartphones and video-sharing sites like Pornhub, parents worry about the potential impact of pornography on teens’ sexual expectations. Let me be clear: Curiosity about sex is natural. Masturbation? Great! What’s more, there is all kinds of porn — ethical porn, feminist porn, queer porn. But the most readily available, free content portrays a distorted vision of sex: as something men do to rather than with a partner and women’s pleasure as a performance for male satisfaction.
Boys frequently expressed ambivalence to me about their porn habits. “I think porn affects your ability to be innocent in a sexual relationship,” a high school senior commented. “The whole idea of exploring sex without any preconceived ideas of what it is, you know?”
Even if parents could block all the triple-X sites (and good luck with that), the reality is that exposure to sexual content in media consumption of any kind — TV, movies, games, social media, music videos — is associated with greater tolerance for sexual harassment, belief in rape myths and the objectification of women. “I think music has some of the biggest impact on how guys treat girls,” another high school senior told me. “In the car, my friends and I listen to all this stuff that’s just” — he rattled off several oh-so-unprintable lines about women and sex. “When you hear that, like, five, six, 10 times a day, it makes it hard to escape having that mind-set.”
The promise of hot sex with a cold heart animates college (and increasingly high school) hookup culture — which is why, according to Lisa Wade, a professor of sociology at Occidental College, getting wasted beforehand is so crucial: Alcohol girds young people against the near-fanatic generational fear of the awkward while creating what Ms. Wade calls the “compulsory carelessness” necessary for a possible one-off. Most of the guys I met knew that sex with an incapacitated person is assault. Yet because, in their minds, you need to be hammered in order to hook up, the trick became being (and finding someone who is) drunk enough to want to do it but sober enough to be able to express a credible “yes.” And who is to be the judge of that?
Drunk boys, as it turns out, tend to vastly overperceive a girl’s interest in sex, often interpreting expressions of friendliness as It’s on. Alcohol has also been shown to diminish their ability to hear “no” or notice a partner’s hesitation. Wasted young men are more likely than they would be sober to use coercion or force to get what they want and — still looking at you, Brett Kavanaugh — they are less aware of their victim’s distress.
In consensual drunken hookups, the sex still tends to be meh. It “can feel like two people having two very distinct experiences,” a second-semester college freshman who’d had multiple partners told me. “There’s not much eye contact. Sometimes you don’t even say anything. And it’s weird to be so open with a stranger. It’s like you’re acting vulnerable, but not actually being vulnerable with someone you don’t know and don’t care very much about. It’s not a problem for me. It’s just — odd. Odd, and not even really fun.”
According to Andrew Smiler, a psychologist specializing in adolescent male behavior who surveyed over a hundred teen boys about dating and sex, most guys, in fact, prefer physical intimacy with someone they know, trust and with whom they feel comfortable. I found that to be true, too, though they seemed to view it as their personal quirk, not shared by their peers. Mr. Smiler suggests, then, that adults can ask boys what kind of sexual experience they want. “Not just whether they are looking to have an orgasm,” he said, “but about the context and quality of that orgasm. If we’re willing to be more vulgar and pointed, we might even ask, ‘Do you want a partner who’s more than just someone to masturbate into?’”
It occurs to me, after a quarter-century of talking to teens, that the activism on behalf of girls could offer a model to better guide boys. Back in the 1990s, when I first began writing about young women’s quandaries in a changing world — loss of confidence, stunted ambition, negative body image, sexual shaming — there was both a desire for and an apprehension about change: Some parents worried, not irrationally, that raising a daughter to be outspoken or sexually empowered would come at a social cost, that she would be labeled a bitch or a slut. Others raged that girls were being pushed, against their nature, to become “more like boys.”
But years of attention to girls’ experience, of work by parents and professionals, has reduced some of those fears, eased constraint, expanded girls’ roles and opportunities: Things aren’t perfect, not by a long shot, but they are better. Nonetheless, I found myself wishing, in my conversations with girls, that their early sexual experiences did not have to be, as they so often were, something they had to get over. That will require reducing the harm boys cause, whether out of monstrous venality, entitlement, heedlessness or even (maybe especially) ignorance.
For their own well-being, as well as their partners’, they need a counternarrative to the one that elevates the transactional over the connected, the sensual, the kind; boys need to value mutual gratification in their sexual encounters, whether with one-offs or long-term partners. That won’t be accomplished in a single “sex talk,” nor, really, any one easy fix, any more than you could teach your child table manners in one sitting. But at the very least, listening to their struggles is a start. I think about a guy I talked to early on, a rising college junior who’d equated a girl’s invitation back to her room with sexual consent. “I want to do the right thing,” he told me, “but I don’t know what the right thing is. I just know what I know, which is a lot of really confusing and wrong” stuff. He pressed forward unthinkingly, one might say manfully — or as he described it, “boom, boom, boom, boom” — until she put a hand on his chest, saying, “Whoa! I don’t want to do that.”
“And in that moment,” he said, “I could see just how wrong it was. The utter lack of communication that took place in those five to 10 minutes. And even realizing that I didn’t feel great myself about what we were doing. I just…” He shook his head regretfully. “I thought that was the only option. I thought that was the way things were supposed to be.”
Of all the New Year’s resolutions you could make — better overall health, learning something new daily, practicing gratitude, etc. — arguably some of the best are those that involve improving your close relationships. And that includes your more (ahem) intimate ones. Regardless of whether your current sex life is stagnant or sizzling, there’s always room for improvement. That said, if one of your 2020 goals is mastering just how to have the best sex ever, you might be curious to know how the most satisfied people are behaving in the bedroom (and beyond).
Recently Pure Romance conducted a survey of 2,000 sexually active Americans, and the results might just surprise you. Overwhelmingly, the participants seem to genuinely be enjoying their sex lives, with 79 percent reporting that they were “happy” with how things were going in that department and 44 percent rating 2019 as their best year for sex yet.
Before digging into what these people may or may not have been practicing that kept them feeling satisfied, it’s also helpful to examine the factors that lead to a healthy sex life, according to the experts. “The elements that are essential for a healthy sex life include feeling good about your body, sexual thoughts, fantasies, feelings, and your overall well-being,” says Dr. Carolina Pataky, a certified sex therapist with Love Discovery Institute in Miami. “Healthy sex also requires comfort in sharing your sexual and emotional world with your partner. It means knowing what you want to do and what turns you on, but also what you don’t want to do and doesn’t feel good.”
Dr. Pataky also attributes the rise in sexual confidence and satisfaction to the fact that American culture has come so far in terms of being able to express certain desires — which includes preferences and orientation as well as fantasies. “The last three generations have grown up with hearing and learning about sex in ways that were previously unavailable,” she says. “Sexual expression and experimentation is not limited to the sexual revolution of the 60s and 70s, but new generations have now also grown up with it.”
Sexual openness seemed to be an ongoing themes in the studies findings — whether that means communicating better with your partner, experimenting with more toys (including a ton of women-designed ones), and switching up styles, time of day, and frequency. For more specifics, read ahead for the four main things to consider for an even better sex life in 2020, based on Pure Romance’s findings as well as Dr. Pataky’s advice.
Branch Out
With a reduction in stigma around sex, it seems that more and more people feel comfortable trying new things in the bedroom. This is reflected in the study’s data, with 38 percent saying they’d been more adventurous this year. More specifically, one in six tried phone sex and 29 percent tried a toy for the first time in 2019. But experimenting can mean different things for each and some may find it a bit harder than others.
If you’re open to expanding your horizons but are feelings a bit shy or unsure about just how, Dr. Pataky has some advice. “Exploring doesn’t mean doing it but it means giving yourself permission to reflect on what they are. Write out what [your fantasies] are and let yourself notice what you are telling yourself about them. You can also try talking about it with a partner letting them know what you are wanting. You can also join an internet forum or a sub-Reddit that gives you the privacy to share your fantasies and fears with others that feel the same and share the same fantasy.”
Do Some Research
To go along with the above, it might also benefit you to utilize the wide variety of resources available. “For those individuals that are still affected by taboos, I’d suggest reading books that help them understand their sexuality, desires, and fantasies as a natural part to the human component,” says Dr. Pataky. “One book I’d recommend for starters would be Tell Me What You Want by Justin J. Lehmiller. This book brings to light the commonalities we share regarding our sexual desires and fantasies.”
Make More Time For Intimacy
According to the survey, the biggest complaint about sex was not having enough of it, with 42 percent saying it was what they regretted most about their sex lives this year. While it may seem easier said than done, Dr. Pataky claims that if you want more intimacy for 2020, you’ve just got to carve out the time. “If you are wanting to have more sex, you need to prioritize it,” she says. To do this, the sex therapist explains there’s no better way than to just make it a part of your schedule. If you’ve got a partner, that might involve being open about your desire for more sex and coordinating your schedules and set aside some special alone time.
Keep Talking
Nearly half of those surveyed said they were able to communicate more with their partner about their likes and dislikes, while another 44 percent claimed this year they learned more about what makes their partner feel good. And while Dr. Patasky notes that having an open discourse about your desires is certainly beneficial, it’s important to keep the communication going even outside the bedroom. “One of the problems I’ve been seeing is that some people are open to positively discussing what’s going on between the sheets, but what’s going on in their relationships?” she asks. “While many of my clients do have plenty of sex, they sometimes erroneously use it as metric to measure how well their relationship is going.” That said, for those who are in a relationship, it’s important to focus on more than just that quality and quantity of getting busy. Chances are, having a healthy relationship overall will improve your sex life, too.
In our closest primate relative
Beginning in 2015, Professors Jennifer Hirsch and Shamus Khan interviewed more than 150 Columbia and Barnard College undergrads to learn about their sex lives. What they wanted out of sex, how troubling encounters unfolded, and how layers of misunderstandings led to assault.
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