Tag: Intimacy

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How to Know If You’re In a Toxic Relationship

The signs you’re in a toxic relationship can be difficult to identify — here’s how.

By Maria del Russo

Any relationship, be it romantic or otherwise, can be complicated. Whether it’s the relationship you have with your pushy mother-in-law, a childhood friend, or a spouse, interpersonal connections can be as challenging as they are rewarding. But a toxic relationship — one that is emotionally, and in extreme cases, physically damaging — is not complicated: it’s abusive. And learning the signs of a toxic relationship can help ensure that your relationships are healthy, sustainable, and mutually beneficial.

“A toxic relationship includes many factors,” Dr. Pavini Moray, a sex educator and founder of Wellcelium, a sex and intimacy school, tells Woman’s Day. “The main gauge, though, is how you feel the majority of the time.” If, for the most part, you feel supported, loved, and generally happy, an occasional spat or heated disagreement doesn’t mean you’re necessarily in a toxic relationship. “Toxic relationships detract from the quality of your life, rather than add to it,” Moray says. And while that could mean different things to different people and depending on their unique relationship, there are certain red flags everyone should look out for.

If you identify with any of the below, it could point to some toxicity in your relationship. But Moray says that all is not lost should you find yourself in this situation. “There is no cookie-cutter answer,” Moray explains. “Some couples can get support, can really get into the work of relational repair, and pull through.” So don’t let the below list scare you. See it more as step one in your healing — whether it’s with your partner, a friend, a parent, or on your own.

An absence of mutual care and support.

While it’s unrealistic to expect to feel happy every second of your relationship, the contentment, support, and shared joy should be more prevalent than not. “You may experience a dullness or a lack of pleasurable sensation when in a toxic relationship,” Moray says. “You may also feel afraid or unworthy, especially if your partner speaks in a derogatory, critical, or consistently blaming manner.” One of the reasons why people enter relationships is to meet their need for belonging, safety, and connection, and that need should be met on a consistent basis. “A relationship that is without the positive benefits of a quality connection like care and joy alongside negative impact means the costs of the relationship are outweighing the benefits,” Moray says. “Your needs are not being met.”

An ongoing lack of effective communication.

Learning how to effectively communicate with the people in your life can be challenging, to be sure. And every once in a while, you’ll have a day where every little thing your partner, parent, or friend says sends you into a rage. But if you’re finding you can’t talk to your loved ones without arguing, it might point to a deeper issue. “If you or your partner is feeling rageful or belittled much of the time, something is wrong,” Moray says. “While conflict is a natural part of relationships, the way you do conflict matters a lot.” The key is to be able to work through difficult subjects without lashing out at one another. If that seems to be lacking, your relationship may not be thriving.

There’s relationship imbalance.

In a healthy relationship, there is a balance of support. Sometimes you have to support your partner, and other times they need to support you. If that balance is out of whack, though, Moray says something more seriously could be up. “Both of you need to feel your needs are important to the relationship, and that you are on the same team,” Moray explains. “If you find you are consistently giving in to your partner’s desires, eventually the imbalance will result in resentment from the partner who is over-giving.” Balance in a relationship doesn’t just apply to big, potentially life-changing decisions, like where you’ll live or whether you’ll have children. It applies to smaller, daily decisions too, like if your partner always chooses the restaurant or whose family you visit for the holidays.

There’s a lack of mutual consent.

While the other signs that have been previously discussed can be chalked up to lack of respect, Moray classifies how consent is or isn’t happening in your connection as a form of abuse. If you’re doing things you really don’t want to do, or are coerced to go beyond your own boundaries — whether they are financial, physical, sexual, or emotional — it’s a sure-fire sign of toxicity. “Healthy relationships are based on a foundation of consent,” Moray says. “Everyone in the relationship agrees to be in the relationship. If you ever feel like you cannot leave the relationship, for any reason, it’s a good idea to consider whether this relationship is in your best interest.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Understanding These 2 Types of Sexual Desire Will Help You Feel In Control of Your Libido

Introducing: Spontaneous and responsive desire.

By Gabrielle Kassel

By now, you’ve probably heard a sexual health pro say—punctuated by 👏👏👏, of course—that porn is entertainment, not education. And that’s true. But there’s another type of media that shoves lies about what sex “should” (eye roll) look like down our collective throat: Romantic comedies.

One of the ideas these films have implanted into our brains? That the desire to get it on hits you out of nowhere—BAM! As a sex writer, this really gets me heated (as in, mad, not horny) considering only an estimated 15 to 20 percent of cisgender women (vs. 75 percent of cisgender men) primarily experience sexual desire in this way, according to sex researcher Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., in her book Come As You Are. (ICYDK, here’s the definition of “cisgender” and more about gender identity.)

“Most often depicted in movies, spontaneous desire is the urge for sex that hits you out of nowhere,” says Jill McDevitt, Ph.D, resident sexologist for sex toy emporium CalExotics. But what’s much more common for (cisgender) women is something called responsive sexual desire, which is when the desire comes in response to (or after) sexual activity has already (consensually) started. Meaning, sexual activity begets arousal, versus the other way around.

As McDevitt puts it: “Spontaneous desire is sex on the kitchen counter. Responsive desire is watching Netflix together, and starting to feel a tingle when your partner starts to trace the outline of your shorts during the sex scene in the movie you’re watching.”

The good news: Once you understand how these two types of sexual desire work, you can hack your sex life so you can start having as much (or as little) sex as you want! But first, scroll down.

Spontaneous vs. Responsive Sexual Desire

First things first: Both styles of sexual desire are normal and healthy. Unfortunately, people (especially cisgender women) who primarily experience responsive desire assume that they’re sexually defunct because their desire doesn’t look like Mila Kunis’s in Friends with Benefits. (See: Why Your Lack of Sex Drive Isn’t a Disorder)

Such is not the case, assures Zhana Vrangalova, Ph.D., professor of human sexuality at New York University and resident sexpert for sex toy brand LELO. “Most of these folks can experience desire/arousal, but they (and their partners) aren’t giving responsive desire a chance,” she says.

What does responsive desire look like IRL? Rather than waiting for a sudden urge to get down, you might say, “hey babe, any interest in me giving you a massage and seeing where that goes?” Or, “how would you feel about turning on porn and masturbating side-by-side, and seeing if that gets us in the mood?”

If you’re skeptical, you shouldn’t be. After all, “sex itself is not better just because it starts with spontaneous desire—people report just as much pleasure and enjoyment regardless of how it started,” says Vrangalova. Besides, the type of desire isn’t a measure of how good the sex was. How pleasurable it was is!

Deducing Your Own Sexual Desire Style

According to Nagoski’s aforementioned research, about 75 percent of men and 15 percent of women primarily experience spontaneous desire, whereas 5 percent of men and 30 percent of women primarily experience responsive desire (all cisgender). But for the rest of folks, sexual desire is context-dependent, says sexologist Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., host of the podcast Sex with Dr. Jess. Meaning, “sometimes they’ll experience more spontaneous desire and other times the desire is more likely to happen responsively,” she says.

It’s common for context-dependent types to primarily experience spontaneous desire at the start of a relationship and responsive desire as the relationship ebbs on, or during high-stress, busy bouts of time. (After all, stress can lead to lower libido and even an inability to climax.)

Odds are, you were able to deduce your main type just by reading the above definitions. If not, I recommend investing in Nagoski’s books and flipping to the end of Chapter 3. There, you’ll find a “Sex Contexts” worksheet where she instructs you to journal (in detail!) about three of both your best sexual experiences as well as the “meh” ones. In reviewing these experiences, you’ll likely notice common themes around when and where sex took place, as well as whether the activity erected from spontaneous desire, responsive desire, or neither. For instance, if your top sexual experiences happened in coatroom closets at weddings, odds are you tend to experience spontaneous desire. If your top sexual experiences happened after day-long romantic dates or sexting sessions, odds are your desire leans responsive.

How to Lean Into Responsive Sexual Desire

So you primarily experience responsive desire and your partner primarily experiences spontaneous desire. Or, you both primarily experience responsive desire…now what? Fear not! “There are lots of different ways couples with different sexual desires can meet in the middle,” says sexual health expert Lyndsey Harper, M.D. ob-gyn, founder and CEO of Rosy, a sexual health technology platform.

1. Schedule sex.

Don’t be so quick to dismiss it. (After all, it works for sticking to your workout routine—why not extend it to your sexual wellness as well?) Sitting down with your planners and Google calendars and plotting out between work, birthdays, and exercise when you’re going to make time to ~get it on~ may not sound sexy. But “when the partner with responsive desire knows sex will happen at a certain time, they can seek out arousal tools, like erotica, ethical porn, masturbation, or ahead of time to help themselves get in the mood,” says Dr. Harper. (Or, good ol’ daydreaming.)

Plus, assuming you clear out your calendars for longer than, like, thirty minutes, it also ensures there’s plenty of time to do things that help the responsive desire partner get in the mood (think: showering together, kissing, etc.) versus feeling pressured to be ready to go ASAP.

If scheduling sex far ahead doesn’t feel right for you and your partner, consider scheduling date nights instead, and touch base that day about whether sex is on the table or not. Or, try some of these other suggestions first.

2. Intentionally take turns initiating sex.

Often in relationships where one partner experiences spontaneous sexual desire and the other experiences responsive sexual desire, the spontaneous person begins to feel like they’re always the initiator, says Vrangalova. Then, the partner who experiences responsive desire may begin to feel like their partner is constantly pestering them for sex, and feel guilty for saying no. This can lead to resentment on both sides. To interrupt this cycle, she suggests agreeing to take turns extending invitations to one another to have sex. Just remember: Your partner always maintains the right to say no.

Here’s how it works: Pre-determine a period of time within which you’ll each initiate, says O’Reilly. Maybe you’ll plan to initiate sex once per week, and alternate who initiates each week. This way, the responsive desire partner(s) can actively seek out arousal once they’re aroused, says Dr. Harper. (More here: How to Ask Your Partner for More Sex Without Offending Them)

3. Don’t make sex the objective.

Going from zero-percent horny to sex (of any kind) can be super daunting, especially when you’re working or busy child-rearing. Unfortunately, for a lot of couples, lines like “hey, babe, want to try to have sex tonight?” or “want to smash?” are common-place.

Vrangalova’s suggestion? Try asking “I’d love to take a shower together at the end of the day” or “how would you feel about a good old-fashioned makeout session?” instead. Why? Because making things like long passionate kisses, sensual massage, watching porn, reading erotica together, dirty talk, fantasy sharing, hand play, or even cuddling can feel more accessible to a not-currently-turned-on partner. (See More: 10 Foreplay Ideas That Can Be Even Hotter Than Penetration)

“If it progresses to sex from there, great. If not, that’s okay, too!” she says. “You’ll still get the benefit of spending intimate time together.” (And, if it’s applicable, the benefits of human touch.)

4. Lean on pleasure products.

“Research reveals that vibrator use is positively correlated with desire, lubrication, orgasm, lower levels of pain, and overall sexual satisfaction,” says O’Reilly. “So, sometimes some vibration or suction is just what your body needs to get in the mood.” Rather than going right for your hot-spots, spend some time using the vibe on your inner thighs, back, chest tissue and nipples, and the fleshy part of your bum, she suggests. Think of it as a self-care massage—and then let it turn sexual if it feels right.

5. Do a little extra sex ed.

Specifically, read books on this very topic such Mind the Gap by Karen Gurney or Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski.

Why? Because the greatest obstacle most couples face is their expectation around how sex “should” work, says Vrangalova. “Many people get stuck in this notion that you should only have sex if both partners are spontaneously horny at the exact same time—and refuse sex when that’s not the case.” (Sound familiar?)

Both of these books go into even more depth on topics discussed in this article to help you better understand just how normal any type of sexual desire is and how the messages you might have absorbed through pop-culture are pleasure-blocking your sex. Both also feature exercises you and your boo can do together to help you better understand your preconceived notions about desire, and how to troubleshoot them for boosted pleasure. (Get more wisdom from Nagoski here: How to Get More Pleasure By Shifting Your Mindset.)

What If These Don’t Work?

Okay, so you thought you primarily experienced responsive desire, gave these tricks a try, and still can’t find your libido? First, talk to your healthcare provider. Certain medications, mental health illnesses, and chronic conditions like heart disease, diabetes, and cancer can affect sexual functioning.

If you get the clear from your doc, think about why your body (specifically something known as your sexual inhibition system) might be intentionally keeping you from getting turned on. If your body perceives that it’s in danger, it can actually shut off your ability to get aroused. For instance, if you’re concerned about getting unintentionally pregnant, contracting an STI, or being socially shamed for who/how you’re having sex, arousal just won’t work. Ask yourself: What can I do to limit the (perceived) risk of the sex I want (keyword) to be having?

Also: Reflect on your relationship. How are you feeling about your boo? No doubt, it’s pretty tough to get turned on by a partner you’re feeling resentful of or aren’t feeling comfortable with. Addressing any underlying relationship issues (or TBH, calling it quits) may help.

Regardless, know that any way you experience sexual desire is ok. If you can relinquish the idea of there being a “normal”—because, truly, there is no “normal” in anything sex-related—that just might help you get there.

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How Using Safe Words Helped Me Reclaim My Sexuality After Trauma

Determining safe words with your partner can create a healthy, loving space.

By By Ashley Oken

There are sexual experiences that can strip you of believing you have bodily autonomy, feeling safe in your own body, especially during sexual encounters. These leave you feeling powerless over your own sexuality.

It could be through sexual violence, such as rape and molestation, aggressive sexual coercion from a partner and unwanted touching, workplace harassment, or anything in between or beyond.

Individuals who survive these singular or multiple experiences can carry trauma that follows them through their sexual life.

As someone who has survived multiple years of sexual abuse and multiple experiences with rape, I found myself grappling with how to get past the mental scars and trauma. I tried many things, including meditation, and music, but they failed to work for me.

The first time I used a safe word with a partner that wasn’t “stop,” which can be triggering, it was liberating, freeing, and I was eager to do so again.

Here’s how safe words — a designated word you say when sexual play with a partner becomes too intense, painful, or creeps past your boundaries — helped me and can help you, too.

1. Safe words empower you to communicate directly without going into detail.

Like many survivors, I struggled to assert myself and my needs.

However, using words such as “red,” “yellow,” and “green” to indicate my comfort level was positive. I could communicate without over-explaining, which can be a barrier to speaking up.

Other words that aren’t related to the traffic light analogy such as, “grandma,” “lettuce,” fire,” and “T-Rex” can be used, too.

2. Once you use the safe word, all sex has to stop. It can’t resume until both partners discuss why one party used the word.

The most important component when using safe words is having a supportive partner who listens to you. They must understand that anything can have the potential to push you out of your comfort zone.

Checking in with one another throughout sex is key to ensuring that everything is consensual. It also helps to make sure that everyone is on the same page and truly comfortable.

With safe words, a survivor is able to control their sexual interactions, and having a supportive partner can be restorative. 

3. Using the safe word without judgement helps a survivor see that their trauma isn’t a weakness.

The minute you feel anxious, triggered, or uncomfortable with an act or a position, you should use whatever safe word you both agreed upon. Do not worry about what your partner will be thinking.

Moreover, know that it is more than okay to assert your boundaries. The use of the word can give you time to reflect on exactly what you want them to do or not do. Then, you can discuss your boundaries more thoroughly.

Your trauma isn’t a weakness. Instead, it’s something that can open the door to much more exploration that keeps consent and triggers in mind.

4. Safe words can give survivors a sense of control back to them, a key component for healing.

When I was raped by an ex-boyfriend, saying “stop,” “get off of me,” and “you’re hurting me” didn’t stop him from inflicting violence on me. Instead, he continued to get more aggressive, and, ultimately, took away my feeling of control within sexual encounters.

Although the experience took my faith in the word “stop” away from me, I learned how to regain control by using other safe words such as, “pumpernickel.” For the first time, I felt in control over every part of an encounter.

5. Safe words remind you that your body is yours.

During the years of molestation I went through during childhood, my body never felt as if it belonged to me, but to my abuser. It also felt as if the things that were happening to me were happening outside of me, almost like they were happening to someone else.

Afterward, I struggled to feel as though my body was actually mine and not working against me somehow. Safe word usage helped me see that I can indeed have a say over what happens to me and that someone listens to me in full.

Survivors’ bodies are always theirs, and they are allowed to assert that at any point and for any reason.

Safe words have helped me come a long way since I began this journey to reclaim my sexuality after trauma.

Like with so many survivors, my road to healing is ongoing and I’m still learning about how to set boundaries with partners properly. But safe words have shown me that healing is possible and that sexuality doesn’t have to be lost.

You can have power over your body and you are not broken, but strong.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Cybersex, erotic tech and virtual intimacy are on the rise during COVID-19


Preliminary research has found that people are increasingly incorporating new behaviours — including technology-based ones — into their sex lives during the coronavirus

By , &

The coronavirus pandemic is affecting sexuality and relationships. The confinement and social distancing measures protecting us are unintentionally exacerbating intimacy-related difficulties and limiting people’s access to partners.

For some, COVID-19 is synonymous with loneliness and relationship stress. Many people end up choosing between intimacy and security. Singles looking for partners resign to celibacy, while couples experience tensions related to forced isolation.

But creativity loves adversity.

In the face of a global pandemic, we are finding new, innovative and safe ways to (re)connect intimately and sexually through technology.

As researchers studying erobotics, a field intersecting sexuality and technology, we are interested in how human-machine erotic interactions can contribute to well-being — even in times of worldwide health crisis.

Sex in the time of coronavirus

The COVID-19 lockdown and social distancing measures are impacting human life. Paradoxically, these protective measures also generate unintended stressors. For example, illness-related anxiety, heightened grief of losing a loved one, loneliness, domestic violence and financial stress.

When it comes to sex and relationships, the pandemic is creating a situation where people are either living in close proximity (possibly with partners, children or other family members) or are limited in their opportunities to find partners for prolonged periods of time. These circumstances can directly impact our intimacy.

A recent online survey found that a majority of participants in a sample of 1,559 adults reported a decline in the quality of their sex lives (43.5 per cent) during the COVID-19 pandemic, while only a minority reported improvements (13.6 per cent). Interestingly, however, despite people reporting a decrease in the frequency of sexual behaviours compared to the past year, one in five individuals (20.3 per cent) added at least one new activity to their sex life, such as a new sexual position, incorporating pornography or engaging in cybersex. Compared to people who made no change, those who spiced things up were more likely to report improvements in their sex life since the beginning of the pandemic.

Additionally, preliminary evidence from another study suggests that believing that a partner is caring and understanding, can partly shield against some of the impact of COVID-19 stressors on the relationship.

Sex tips for the pandemic

Suggestions for safer sex during COVID-19 have been proposed. These include: hand-washing; limiting sexual activities to partners who are part of the household; using physical barriers such as masks, condoms and dental dams; creatively enacting positions that reduce risks of transmission and masturbating.

As the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene says: “You are your safest sex partner.”

This same department also suggests taking a break from in-person dates and instead trying virtual dating, sexting and kinky “Zoom parties.”

Necessity is the mother of invention, and this is particularly true of technology. Including a suggestion like the video-conferencing platform Zoom is telling. The integration of social and interactive technologies in work and relationships accelerates exponentially with confinement.

COVID-19 and sex technologies

Sex tech is more than sex toys or objects used for sexual stimulation. It is a billion-dollar industry that builds a wide range of products for interactive, immersive and connected erotic experiences. This includes but is not limited to: virtual, augmented and mixed reality, “teledildonics,” dating applications and platforms, online erotic games and artificial erotic agents (or erobots) such as sex robots, virtual partners or erotic chatbots.

Sex tech is perhaps one of the only industries resilient to pandemics. The sale of sex toys skyrocketed, companies have reported an increase in sex and love doll purchases and sex-tech startups are thriving. While numbers from the private sector should be interpreted with caution, COVID-19 is affecting how we explore intimacy with ourselves and others.

Sex tech is a safer way to fulfill our sexual and emotional needs in times of lockdown and social distancing. It offers innovative and inclusive ways to erotically engage with humans and machines that can address our desires for sexual pleasure and also cater to our needs for affection and companionship. Sex tech could help alleviate the suffering borne out of solitude or forced celibacy and let us keep touch with our loved ones while we wait for the storm to pass.

In sum, the pandemic could be a chance for us to become a bit more “digisexual,” or sexually oriented towards technology.

Beyond the pandemic

Historically, societies are deeply transformed by great pandemics. COVID-19 is no exception, with a renewed interest for remote work — and the adoption of new erotic behaviours. As such, we can realistically expect that norms and practices regarding love and sex may open up as we are currently exposed to a diverse range of more positive and safe intimate technological possibilities.

Several studies assessing the impact of the COVID-19 crisis on human intimacy are currently seeking responses.

Whether this will lead to enduring change remains unknown. We should take full advantage of the connectivity established by technology to extend the boundaries of love and sex, now and for the future.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex and Dating During Coronavirus

– From Masks to Kissing, a Guide to Your Risks

By Carly Severn

Let’s get this straight: during the COVID-19 pandemic, there is no “safe way” to have sex with someone you don’t live with.

But humans are humans, and we know some folks will still make the choice to get physically intimate with other people, despite the presence of a highly contagious disease in our midst. So we asked for your anonymous questions, and created this guide to sex and dating during the coronavirus pandemic.

Because there’s no 100%-safe way to date or have sex outside your household right now, you’ll see the super-unsexy — yet super-important — phrase “harm reduction strategies” throughout this guide. That’s because when it comes to engaging in social and physical intimacy, it’s all about weighing your risk factors, assessing them against the risk factors of the person (or people) you’d like to have sex with and doing everything you can to further reduce the potential harm.

We’ve consulted with these sex and health experts:

  • Stephanie Cohen, medical director of San Francisco City Clinic
  • Nenna Joiner, owner of Oakland sex store Feelmore and former adult filmmaker
  • Julia Feldman, Bay Area sex educator and consultant at Giving the Talk

  • What bodily fluids can carry COVID-19?

    So many aspects of the coronavirus remain mysterious to scientists, and that includes the full scope of COVID-19’s relationship with sex. But here’s what we do know.

    If someone has COVID-19, they can transmit the virus via particles in:

    • Their saliva
    • Their mucus
    • Their breath

    The coronavirus has also been found in the semen and feces of people with COVID-19. It hasn’t been found in vaginal fluid.

    Can COVID-19 be spread through sex, whether vaginal or anal? The scientific community actually doesn’t know for sure yet. What we do know is that “sex is the definition of close contact,” as Stephanie Cohen puts it. So if you’re close enough to get physically intimate with someone with COVID-19, you’re definitely close enough to have a high risk of being infected via those particles they’re exhaling.

    How dangerous is kissing?

    Kissing someone outside of your household is one of the most risky things you can do right now, Cohen says, because of how much exchange of saliva it involves.

    For this reason, she says, kissing might actually present a higher risk of transmission than vaginal or anal sex. And anything that increases your respiration and your respiratory rate “will likely result in the release of more respiratory droplets,” thus increasing the risk of transmission — think heavy breathing.

    Are certain types of sex riskier?

    Because the coronavirus has been found in feces — and because gastrointestinal symptoms like diarrhea can occur sometimes with COVID-19 infection — Cohen says there’s a likely chance that anal sex or oral-anal contact would pose more of a transmission risk than other forms of sex such as penile-vaginal contact, for example.

    That said, medical professionals just don’t know for sure. COVID-19 transmission risk would also be impacted by a number of other factors, such as the degree of face-to-face contact and how infectious the person with COVID-19 is at the time of the sexual encounter. Right now, there just isn’t enough data to be definitive, Cohen says — so it’s all about assessing those various risk indicators we do know about.

    If I do have sex, what are some things I can do to reduce my risk of catching COVID-19?

    If you’re utterly determined to have sex outside of your household right now, these precautions represent harm reduction strategies:

    • Wearing a mask: Remember, a mask protects the other person in how it limits the spread of your respiratory droplets. For masks to truly reduce the risks of either sexual partner getting COVID-19, both people would have to wear a mask: a mutual masking, if you will. “It might not be a strategy that works for everyone,” Cohen says, “but certainly I think it’s one that could reduce risk.” Remember though: as Nenna Joiner reminds us, masks are like condoms in the sense that you “still need to know how to put [them] on correctly.”
    • Choosing positions that minimize face-to-face contact: Spooning sex, doggy-style, reverse-cowboy/cowgirl/cowperson — consider agreeing to stick to sexual arrangements that keep your faces far apart, and ideally with one person faced completely away from the other. (It’s a bit of a spontaneity-killer, yes, but it’s a good idea to agree to this one before you start having sex, to avoid ‘the heat of the moment’ making the decisions for you.)
    • Remember cleanliness: “Washing up really well, both before and after sex” is another way sexual partners can potentially reduce their risk to each other, Cohen says. Wash your hands often with soap and water for at least 20 seconds. If you don’t have soap and water on hand, use a hand sanitizer that contains at least 60% alcohol and rub your hands together until they feel dry. Don’t use sanitizer anywhere intimate — it will really irritate that delicate skin. If you have someone else’s bodily fluids on your body, be sure to wash them off thoroughly. You cannot “absorb” the coronavirus through your skin, but you might touch your skin and then touch your face. If you’re using sex toys, wash those with soap and warm water.
    • Using condoms and other barriers: Wearing a condom during sex will decrease your exposure to saliva or feces. For oral sex, using a condom or dental dam similarly provides a barrier. This is especially important for any anal contact.
    • Keep it quick: Minimizing the length of a sexual encounter is a harm reduction strategy in how it’s reducing the amount of time you’re potentially being exposed to the virus.
    • Consider things that don’t exchange fluids: Mutual masturbation could be considered a harm reduction strategy, Cohen says. But don’t forget that if you’re simultaneously making out, “that could actually be higher risk than a quick session of oral sex,” she says.

    And remember: Don’t forget to practice the safe sex you usually would before the pandemic.

    With all this in mind, we’ll say it again: right now, during the COVID-19 pandemic, there is no way of having sex with someone outside your household that carries zero risk of transmitting or obtaining the virus.

    “Everyone’s looking for a magic loophole,” acknowledges Julia Feldman, “and it doesn’t really exist.”

    And here’s another tricky thing. Even if you and your partner agree to abide by all of the above harm reduction strategies in the cold light of day, things can shift in the heat of the moment. Previously agreed-upon plans can fall apart when inhibitions are lowered and you’re turned on, especially if alcohol is involved — and in these circumstances “you’re less likely to use your prefrontal cortex to really analyze the risk involved in the situation,” Feldman stresses. “Especially if you haven’t had sex in a long time and you’re very excited to do it.”

    So if you’re concerned that your safety boundaries might be in any way reduced or made negotiable during sex… back away, and prioritize your health.

OK… I had sex anyway. How long should I wait to get a COVID-19 test?

If you aren’t sure whether your sexual partner had COVID-19, the best time to get tested for the coronavirus would be between five and 14 days after the encounter, says Stephanie Cohen.

That’s because the median average time from exposure to coronavirus symptom onset is five days — so testing any earlier than that might not yield an accurate result — but the incubation period (the amount of time you can be infected before showing symptoms) is up to 14 days.

Is isolating for 14 days between sexual partners a good idea?

Here’s the idea: you have sex with someone, and then wait for 14 days to see if you develop symptoms of COVID-19. If you don’t, you’re good to move on to a new partner safe in the knowledge you don’t have the disease and aren’t passing it on — right?

Not quite.

“It’s a good strategy; it’s a harm reduction strategy,” Cohen says, but “it’s not a zero-risk strategy.” That’s because of the large numbers of people who get COVID-19 but never show any symptoms.

What about sex with more than one person?

Having multiple people that you have sex with is a definite risk factor for transmitting COVID-19. These kinds of overlapping sexual relationships with different people — going back and forth between people, basically — is called “concurrency” in the sexual health world, and it’s something experts say will heighten your risk of spreading the disease.

“To minimize that concurrency,” Cohen says, “decrease the network size — which decreases the spread of coronavirus.” Basically, consider reducing the number of people you’re having sex with during the pandemic.

Where does that leave you if you practice polyamory, which is all about having multiple sexual relationships?

Nenna Joiner says that yes, some folks are deciding to take a break from polyamorous intimacy during the pandemic owing to the heightened risks of having different partners right now. But other poly people are choosing to isolate together “as a poly family,” they say, and agreeing to only have sex “within that sphere of people.” Ultimately, it’s about finding the solution that works best for your health, and that of others.

What about group sex?

If group sex (having sex with multiple people at the same time) was your thing before the pandemic, Stephanie Cohen has a message for you: “The fewer people, the better.”

That’s because with every additional person in a situation — social or sexual — you’re adding a potential COVID-19 case, whether they know they have it or not. In a group sex situation, that person is then potentially transmitting the coronavirus to multiple people at one time — who could then go on to infect others, who then go on to… you get the picture.

If you do continue to choose group sex, New York City’s public health department advises you to “Go with a consistent sex partner” in such a situation, and “pick larger, more open, and well-ventilated spaces.”

What about sex workers? How can they make it work right now?

Is there a way to safely engage in sex work in the midst of a pandemic?

It’s “a profession that certainly carries risk,” Cohen stresses, due to the amount of close physical contact involved. In addition to the other strategies discussed here, some additional harm reduction strategies sex workers might consider are to limit the number of clients they see during the pandemic, to opt for a smaller circle of regular clients and “more spacing out in-between partners.”

Who is ‘safe’ to date right now?

As if finding a match with someone you’re emotional and physically compatible with in all the expected ways wasn’t fraught enough — you now have the coronavirus risk compatibility to consider, too.

This is, Feldman admits, “a really unfortunate layer to add to dating.”

Get ready for some frank communication with partners, both current and potential ones, about your circumstances and behaviors around contact with other people. How many people are they seeing, socially or sexually? How does their daily life look in terms of interactions with other people? Are they an essential worker? If so, what kind of traffic does their place of work experience?

In a nutshell, this is not the time for mystery — and in many ways, you’ll have to be your own contact tracer, says Nenna Joiner.

How much do I need to talk about COVID-19 with potential partners?

Open, honest communication about your health has never been more crucial than right now. And, as Julia Feldman notes, if you’re getting sexually intimate with somebody, you should already be talking to that person about your health and sexual health status. COVID-19 is now another communicable disease for you and your sexual partner(s) to be discussing, without holding anything back. (Remember though: somebody can have the coronavirus and have zero symptoms. Just because somebody thinks they don’t have COVID-19 doesn’t mean they are definitely COVID-19-free.)

Starting these conversations can feel tricky, especially with someone you barely know, so Feldman advises you initiate the conversation by leading with your own experience — a time you were concerned you might have been at risk for contracting COVID-19, perhaps, or a recent decision to seek out a test for the disease. Leading with your own vulnerability, she says, can really open up a conversation without putting your prospective partner on the spot. You don’t want them to feel grilled, or accused. “That definitely doesn’t set the mood, and it doesn’t build trust,” Feldman says.

“Ultimately, at the end of the day, people are trying to figure out how to get all of their needs met as safely as possible,” reminds Feldman. “That’s a lot to navigate! This is brand new stuff. We are going to be messy.”

In being thoughtful though, don’t forget to acknowledge your own boundaries — and forget about anyone who doesn’t respect them, especially during a pandemic.

Being an advocate for your own safety — and working to limit community transmission of the coronavirus — means not letting any potential partners pressure you into meeting up in person, or engaging in any sexual contact you don’t want to have.

I live with other people. What do they need to know about my dating and sex life?

If you’re sharing your living situation with roommates or family, sorry: your business is now their business, especially if their own health places them in a vulnerable category.

That means you should be as transparent as possible with the people you live with about your relationship(s), and the types of activities and the type of risks that you’re involved in, Feldman says.

The first step in navigating this should be talking with the person you’re dating or having sex with, to establish their level of risk. You need to work out the potential COVID-19 risk their behavior and circumstances pose not just to you, but therefore to the people you cohabit with.

You should be prepared to discuss how you propose to minimize your roommates’ risk, whether that’s avoiding shared spaces in your home, relentless sanitizing of your living environment — or whether your cohabitees are prepared to not do this and accept the heightened risk, and the potential consequences of that.

Basically, get used to communicating because “you need to have some very frank conversations about how you’re going to try to keep everyone safe, and prioritize everyone’s health and well-being,” Feldman says. It’s that big a deal that ultimately, Cohen says, your roommates or family “should have veto power in terms of you engaging in risky behavior and bringing it back to them.”

Is ‘distanced sex’ a thing?

Totally, says Joiner: social distancing and forgoing physical touch does not have to be a barrier to sexual intimacy. Sex toys which use Bluetooth connectivity can be used or worn by one partner and activated remotely by their partner from six feet or more away, without any physical contact. If you want to increase that distance, Joiner says you could use these kinds of toys in conjunction with phone sex, or voyeurism.

It might sound impersonal, but Joiner says distanced products actually require just as much effort and communication, if not more.

“You’ve got to turn on a person to make them feel confident and comfortable and warm like you’re there,” they say. (Joiner’s pro tip: If you’re purchasing this kind of remote toy for the first time, try it out solo first to really get to grips with it — and minimize any awkwardness when you come to use it with your partner.)

I know I am ‘my own safest partner.’ How can I make the most of that?

Nenna Joiner reminds that some people might actually welcome the break from active dating that COVID-19 enforces. Some people with anxiety can often find the machinery of dating — conversation, sex with someone new — stressful and anxiety-provoking. If that’s you, Joiner says to take advantage of this “buffer,” to get some respite. They also want to remind you that not everyone in the world is into self-pleasure — and if that’s you, that’s totally fine.

If limiting your physical intimacy with others is something you’re committed to, you may be considering acquiring sex toys to concentrate on your personal pleasure instead. Joiner says many sex shops, including their own, offer online chat services, where you can consult with an expert about exactly what you’re looking for. Joiner says some of Feelmore’s live chats can get “crazy,” so don’t worry about being frank with the professionals. Online deliveries or courier services are also available in many stores, to enable you to maintain social distancing.

Joiner’s entry-level advice with your purchases: “Stay on the lower end (on price), figure your body out for yourself and then progress from there.”

What about taking everything online?

If you decide to take your sex life fully online to eliminate any close contact or in-person elements, New York City’s public health experts advise that if you normally meet your sexual partners online (or make a living on the internet), “video dates, sexting, subscription-based fan platforms, sexy ‘Zoom parties’ or chat rooms may be options for you.”

If you choose this option, don’t forget to keep your environments clean in a way you would if someone else was present, and disinfect any keyboards and touch screens you’re using that you share with other other people.

Also, don’t let the possibilities of the internet (and let’s face it, lockdown-induced frustrations) override your normal judgment around your online privacy and personal safety. Especially when it comes to sending nudes or other intimate material to someone you don’t know and trust.

How can I ‘have’ intimacy if it’s not safe to touch someone right now?

Don’t be deterred or dismayed by how new all this feels either, Joiner says. The pandemic means many of us have had to learn new ways of living in general, and these adaptations to our sexual lives are in many ways “an opportunity to create a new life sexually for ourselves as well,” they say.

Joiner believes that this might even be a spur to regain intimacy for many people, because of the extra imagination and effort required. It’s a chance, they say, to make sure that you’re really focusing on your own emotional needs.

Julia Feldman advises that this is also a potential moment to redefine what intimacy means for you, beyond mere physical touch: “We can’t say that intimacy is dead!” she says. “It just has to function slightly differently.”

I live with my partner but we’re not having much sex. Help!

It’s not just single folks who aren’t necessarily having the quantity or quality of physical contact they’d prefer during quarantine. For a couple who lives together, even a previously harmonious relationship can be severely tested by 24/7 cohabitation during COVID-19 — and result in a drop in intimacy.

It’s all about switching up your timing to reinvigorate a dynamic, Joiner says. They recommend taking separate breaks outside of your shared accommodation — like a solo lunch break at the park — but also occasionally meeting up in a fresh setting that’s not where you live together. Joiner recommends trying a joint picnic, or a driving date — shared experiences that “will actually lead you to have to know why you’re in a relationship with your partner, and then to lead towards more intimacy, which leads to more sex.”

Don’t forget the power of dressing up slightly too, Joiner says, who warns against “the rut of seeing each other in certain clothes” (e.g. your work-from-home sweats.)

Even making a little effort for regular activities can go a long way, they say. “Like my partner: Yesterday we went to church online, and she puts on a dress. I’m like, ‘shit!'”

My live-in partner is really bad at social distancing, and I’m worried to kiss or have sex with them. What can I do?

If you’re covering your face in public and maintaining social distance, but your partner doesn’t, they’re not only heightening their own risk of contracting COVID-19 but bringing their risk home to you. How can you have that conversation in a way that makes change?

In a sense, this conversation is an extension of the dialogues you and your partner have already (hopefully!) had about trust and fidelity of all kinds within your relationship, and the things that matter to you, whether that’s strict monogamy or communication around other partnerships you may have. Agreeing to even be in a relationship is about declaring an intent to care for that other person’s wellbeing and safety in certain regards, and any breach of that — like bringing home a risk of COVID-19 without discussion — represents a decision to disregard that agreement.

So if you’re in this situation, try explicitly framing this with your partner as a fidelity issue, Feldman recommends: “We made a commitment to protect each other through the good and bad, and right now this is pretty bad.”

She advises aiming to come to a reaffirmed agreement with your partner about “what level of risk you’re both willing to take on, and to really sign onto that.” Then, if there’s still a breach, you really need to talk about respect within your relationship, and whether you’re both really committed to each other.

When opening up these dialogues with your partner, Feldman also advises emphasizing that these are not “normal times,” and this is not forever. These restrictions and limitations for which you’re advocating on the grounds of your shared health — and the trust in your relationship — are temporary. “You’re not saying your husband can never, for example, go play poker with the guys ever again, or whatever it is that he wants to do.”

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How and when to have sex for the first time after giving birth

By Julia Naftulin

  • Doctors suggest waiting four to six weeks after giving birth to have sex again, but new parents shouldn’t feel pressured if they aren’t ready.
  • When they are, it helps to ease back into the experience with self-pleasure and oral sex. Going on dates or spending quality time with your partner before sex can also help boost intimacy in the bedroom.
  • During sex, focus on enjoying yourselves rather than going in with the goal of orgasm, which can add to feelings of pressure and frustration.

When you first bring your newborn home, sex may be the last thing on your mind. But once you get settled in with your new bundle, you and your partner may start to think about being physically intimate again.There’s no set amount of time a new parent should wait before getting back into the bedroom, but according to the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology, doctors often suggest a period of four to six weeks after giving birth. During that time, a new parent who recently gave birth may experience fatigue, vaginal dryness, pain, or low sex drive, according to the Mayo Clinic. And if you experienced a vaginal tear during the birth that required stitches, doctors suggest waiting until the area is completely healed to prevent pain or re-injury.

If you don’t feel ready at the six-week mark, that’s OK too.

“I think that we as a culture expect new parents to get right back into their pre-pregnancy routines, but there is no going back — a completely new routine must be figured out, and that routine is likely going to change from month to month when a newborn is changing so rapidly,” Sofia Jawed-Wessel, an assistant professor in the School of Health and Kinesiology at the University of Nebraska-Omaha, told Self.

But when you are ready, there are a few steps you can take to have the most comfortable and enjoyable experience possible.

According to Christine Leistner, a relationship health scientist and assistant professor at California State University – Chico, easing into sex with masturbation, finding ways to be intimate outside of the bedroom, and overcommunicating with your partner during sex can help after birth.

Start with masturbation

Before getting intimate through partnered sex, Leistner suggested taking a solo approach.

“I would say don’t go from zero to 60. Start with masturbation,” Leistner told Insider.

At any stage in life, self-pleasure can help a person feel more connected to their body, and that’s especially important after you’ve gone through hormonal changes that come with being pregnant and giving birth.

In fact, a June 2012 study in The Journal of Sexual Medicine found women gravitated towards self-pleasure or oral sex after giving birth, rather than going straight for penetrative intercourse.

Rebuild intimacy in your relationship before having sex

The same study authors found that how women felt sexually, and how they perceived their partner to feel sexually, were more important factors in their post-partum sexual satisfaction than physical factors like breastfeeding or vaginal trauma.

The findings suggest rebuilding an intimate connection with your partner can help make your post-baby sex more fulfilling, and Leistner suggested taking the time to do so outside of the bedroom.

“Talking it through, going slow, and doing other things that are pleasurable besides sex,” can help Leistner said, like going on a date could boost your feelings of connectedness.

When you feel supported and in tune with your partner in other aspects of your life, that will translate to feeling connected and comfortable with them during sex.

Take your time and overcommunicate with your partner

  • When you and your partner decide to have penetrative sex again, it’s important to discuss your needs and expectations to ensure the experience is pleasurable to both of you.”Both partners need to be open with each other about their fears, concerns, and desires in the face of a changing sexual relationship as to avoid any misunderstandings,” Dr. Jennifer Conti, a clinical assistant professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Stanford University, told Self.In addition to offering each other verbal support through compliments, saying “I love you,” or reiterating how excited you are to be intimate together beforehand, it’s also important to set boundaries in case the sex becomes painful or uncomfortable, Jawed-Wessel said.She added that going into the experience with the goal to feel connected and enjoy yourselves, rather than the goal of orgasm, can also help take the pressure off.

    “If penetration is causing pain [and/or] anxiety, take it off the table entirely and explore each other’s pleasure in different ways that don’t include penetration,” Jawed-Wessel said.

    Lastly, being prepared with lube can help ease potential physical discomfort from vaginal dryness, according to the Mayo Clinic.

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Polyamorous Relationships

– A Definition of Polyamory, How It Works And Why It’s Not All About Sex

Polyamory is also known as ‘consensual non-monogamy’

By Becky Burgum

Storybooks, fairytales and the media have hardwired many of us into believing we will eventually meet ‘The One’ – the person we’re supposed to spend the rest of our lives.

You may think that the idea of a soulmate is unrealistic, believe that you will encounter several Ones in your life or find the idea of needing a signifiant other at all rather insulting (‘so what, we’re incomplete if we choose to be on our own?’).

Polyamorous relationships are a further rejection of the monogamous relationship convention. Polyamory allows for you to be in consenting relationships with more than one person, concurrently.

Sounds complicated? Perfect? Confusing? A recipe for disaster? How a polyamorous relationship works might sound complex at first, but it’s often misunderstood.

Though the concept has been around for centuries, polyamory has come further into the forefront of people’s consciousness in recent years. From TV shows like House of Cards to celebrities admitting that they’re in open relationships, polyamory – otherwise known as ‘consensual non-monogamy’ (CNM) – is very much in the cultural ether.

But how common is polyamory?

A January 2020 YouGov poll found that approximately one-third of US adults (based on a group of 1,300 people) say that their ideal relationship is non-monogamous to some degree. However, only about five per cent of Americans currently live a non-monogamous lifestyle.

Many of us might like the sound of a polyamorous relationship in theory, but how does it work in practise?

Here’s everything you need to know about polyamory and what it means to be in a polyamorous relationship:

What is polyamory?

The Merriam Webster dictionary defines the term as: ‘The state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time’.

While technically correct, sex and polyamory educators argue that this definition ignores a vital component: consent.

‘Polyamory is an ethically, honestly, and consensually driven relationship structure that allows us to engage in many loving relationships,’ sex-positivity educator, Lateef Taylor, told Shape last year. ‘The consent component here is vital.’

This means that people in a polyamorous relationship should be aware of and agree to the relationship’s dynamics, emotions and needs, from the outset and again every time the dynamic changes. Essentially, there shouldn’t be any ‘I’m just nipping out for a few hours’ secrets among those involved.

The Macmillan dictionary describes the term ‘polyamory’ more accurately, noting: ‘Having more than one serious, sexual-emotional relationship at the same time.’

Polyamory is also known as ‘consensual non-monogamy’, as explained by Dr Elisabeth Sheff, author of The Polyamorists Next Door, to Psychology Today in 2018.

‘Polyamory is a form of consensual non-monogamy (CNM) with emotionally intimate relationships among multiple people that can also be sexual and/or romantic partners,’ she stated.

The state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time

She explains that polyamory encompasses open relationships (where you agree you can have sex with anyone you want, but probably won’t report back to your partner about the experience every time), to solo polyamory, where you identify as polyamorous, but are not currently in multiple relationships.

Charyn Pfeuffer, 47, from Seattle and author of has dated both monogamously and non-monogamously over the years.

‘I’ve found that having the space to explore various relationship models with freedom and openness works best for me,’ Pfeuffer tells ELLE UK. ‘I’m pansexual and attracted to all sexes and gender identities, so it’s impossible for me to confine love, attraction, and intimacy to a neat and tidy labeled box.’

Kitchen table polyamory (KTP) is a branch of polyamory that Pfeuffer has practised.

KTP is a dynamic in which partners and ‘metamours’ (a partner’s partner) all know each other, and, in theory, would feel comfortable meeting up together. For Pfeuffer, her experience of this type of relationship turned into a MFF (male-female-female) triad, which involved her dating a married couple, individually and together, for a year.

The author explains that given her huge capacity to love and care for others, non-monogamy (specifically polyamory) allows her to tear down the social constructs we’ve been taught, and allows her to love multiple partners with total transparency.

‘Polyamory isn’t for everyone; ditto for monogamy,’ Pfeuffer continues, noting that there are rarely alternatives considered, nor the idea that one can choose to design their own relationship. ‘Like any relationship, it’s a commitment (but with multiple partners) and requires constant work.’

Is polyamory a new concept?

‘Free love’ or non-monogamy has been practised for millions of years, with anthropologists arguing that polyamory was common among hunter-gather societies.

As psychologist and author Christopher Ryan previously stated: ‘These overlapping, intersecting sexual relationships strengthened group cohesion and could offer a measure of security in an uncertain world.’

And as early as the 1800s, several groups in America – such as Mormons – practised a multiple partner relationship style.

As a concept, polyamory is currently in its third wave of obscure popularity, according to Dr Sheff.

‘During the first wave, utopians, feminists, and anarchists advocated consensual non-monogamy as a cure for everything from capitalist oppression to men’s tyrannical ownership of women,’ she argues.

The second wave began with the “free love” portion of the sexual revolution of the 1960s and 1970s, flourishing among hippies, swingers, and disco dancers. The third and current wave, largest by far, started with the spread of Internet communication.’

Where does the term ‘polyamorous’ come from?

The word ‘polyamorous’ is a blend of ‘poly’ (from the Greek phrase meaning ‘more than one’) and ‘amor’ (the Latin word for ‘love’), according to the Macmillan Dictionary.

The term ‘polyamory’ is believed to have been officially coined and popularised by US poet Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart in 1990, in an article entitled A Bouquet of Lovers.

In 1999, she was allegedly asked by the editor of the Oxford English Dictionary to provide a definition, reports the Dictionary.

At the time, the wordsmith defined polyamory as: ‘The practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved.’

Is polyamory just for people who are obsessed with sex?

In much the same way as many other relationships, polyamory encompasses more than just the physical. A healthy relationship – be it monogamous or poly – requires trust, communication, consent and respect.

Pfeuffer has been in two dozen or so non-monogamous and polyamorous relationships and has previously said that while being ‘poly’ requires openness, ‘it’s not a free-for-all f*ckfest’.

‘For me, it’s about cultivating meaningful, ongoing relationships with the potential for falling in love,’ she told Glamour in 2018.

‘Polyamory requires a huge amount of emotional vulnerability to figure out who I am and what I want from different relationships,’ she explains to us.

‘Ditto for communication and Google calendar skills. My relationships ebb and flow, and there’s a safe space to renegotiate relationships agreements to ensure that everyone’s needs are met.’

Polyamory isn’t for everyone; ditto for monogamy

Pfeuffer states that there no one, universally right way to do polyamory.

Does polyamory require set rules?

The boundaries of all polyamorous relationships can be different, like they are in other types of unions.

Dedeker Winston, co-host of the Multiamory podcast and author of The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory, currently has two partners who she’s been in relationship with for seven and four years, respectively.

‘I haven’t had any kind of “rule setting” conversation with either of my partners,’ says Winston. ‘But we have, over the course of the relationship, figured out mutual best practices that make sense.’

Practices include communicating honestly, being proactive in talking about sexual health and having regular relationship check-ins to make sure everyone is feeling fulfilled.

‘I like to turn more towards figuring out my personal boundaries and coming up with best practices with each partner,’ Winston, who is also a relationship coach, continues. ‘In my work with clients, I see restrictive rules often fail miserably as many people find themselves agreeing to rules that they can’t abide by once they are actually exploring multiple relationships.’

She argues that this often leads to rules-lawyering or finding loopholes, and Winston says that polyamory can be complex depending on the personalities and rules that may be involved. Jealousy still exists, but Winston believes the good outweighs the bad.

‘I can say hands down that I’ve experienced more joy, trust, compassion, growth, and moments of tenderness than I ever did in monogamous relationships in my past,’ she notes.

Which celebrities have been in polyamorous relationships?

Actress Bella Thorne, activist Bethany Meyers, her husband actor Nico Tortorella, and writer Jessamyn Stanley have previously identified as polyamorous.

In a saved Instagram Story last year, Stanley wrote: ‘Polyamory gets confused with wanting to have sex or needing to have sex with a lot of different people, which is really not what it’s about.’

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith have previously commented on the openness involved in their relationship, but have not specifically identified as being polyamorous.

In 2013, Jada Pinkett-Smith told HuffPost Live that her husband ‘is his own man’ and ‘can do whatever’ he wants.

After receiving backlash for her comments, the actress addressed her thoughts on Facebook that year, writing: ‘Do we believe loving someone means owning them? Do we believe that ownership is the reason someone should “behave”?’

‘Will and I BOTH can do WHATEVER we want, because we TRUST each other to do so [sic],’ Pinkett Smith continued, referring to her relationship as a ‘grown’ one as opposed to ‘open relationship’.

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What TV series and films show polyamorous relationships?

Louis Theroux’s Altered States: Love Without Limits might be the most famous exploration of the subject on television to date.

A description of the 2018 BBC Two programme online reads: ‘[Theroux] discovers that for many, more partners means more love and more happiness.’

Spike Lee’s 1986 film She’s Gotta Have It and the 2018 BBC drama Wanderlust also reference the relationship type (both available to watch on Netflix).

Pfeuffer notes that shows like You Me Her, Unicornland, the fourth season of House of Cards, and Cartoon Network’s series Steven Universe (which broke ground for LGBTQ+ visibility in children’s shows) explore what life is like beyond traditional monogamy well.

‘There are hundreds of relationship variations within polyamory, yet media narratives tend to drive some recurring stereotypes,’ Winston tells ELLE UK.

Is polyamory only for couples adding a third party?

Dedeker explains that people often make the assumption that polyamory is something that couples do, rather than something that individuals do.

‘This means that many people assume that one of my two partners is the “real” partner, and my other partner must just be for fun,’ she says.

Recalling her own experience of the misunderstanding of polyamory, she adds: ‘Someone even went so far as to ask me, “If one of your partners had to die, which one would you choose?”

‘That kind of disgusting questioning is something we would never ask someone of their children, their parents, their siblings, friends, etc. But our monogamy-dominant cultural narratives lead many people to believe that you can only really care about one person romantically.’

Is polyamory the same as an open relationship?

Not necessarily, although both are considered non-monogamous.

According to the Handbook of the Sociology of Sexualities, an open relationship is typically defined as having sexual intercourse with others (other than one’s partner/spouse) but that those sexual encounters don’t develop into relationships. Meanwhile, polyamory involves having multiple relationships. Love and emotional connections are the driving forces in the latter.

In 2018, Renee Divine, L.M.F.T., a sex and relationships therapist in Minneapolis, clarified the difference to Women’s Health, noting: ‘An open relationship is one where one or both partners have a desire for sexual relationships outside of each other, and polyamory is about having intimate, loving relationships with multiple people.’

What’s the difference between polyamory and polygamy?

Technically, polyamory means multiple loves and polygamy means multiple spouses.

Dr Sheff explaine: ‘Polygamy is almost universally heterosexual, and only one person has multiple spouses of a different gender. The most common form of polygamy by far is polygyny, a marriage in which one man marries multiple women.’

This is most commonly found in the Mormon fundamentalist community.

The Channel 4 2017 documentary Three Wives, One Husband introduces viewers to Enoch Foster of the Rockland Range – a remote community of committed polygamists in Utah. At the time, the show explored how Foster had fathered 16 children with his two wives, who ‘took turns’ getting pregnant, and how he was beginning to court the family’s nanny.

Polyamory means multiple loves and polygamy means multiple spouses

‘Polygamy has been around ever since people created marriage,’ noted Dr Sheff. ‘Notable men like Abraham, Jacob, David, and Solomon from the Torah/Old Testament had multiple wives and did a lot of begetting with them all.’

Do polyamorists have their own pride flag?

Yes. In 2014, the first poly pride flag is believed to have been created by a man known as Jim Evans, with three horizontal coloured strips – blue, red and black.

Though widely unwritten about, the polyamory pride flag is available to buy on the UK Flag Shop.

What is a ‘polyactivist’?

Polyamory is not a legally protected status, like being heterosexual or homosexual is.

Several individuals have stated that you can lose your job for being polyamorous and courts can use it against you in child custody proceedings.

‘Being polyamorous in particular, or otherwise consensually non-monogamous, is not a protected status,’ polyamorist writer Amy Gahran told Insider last year.

‘It is something you can get fired for. It is something that can jeopardise child custody arrangements, it can complicate divorce proceedings, it can complicate people’s ability to get access to jobs or education.’

Polyactivists are trying to change this, explained Dr Sheff.

‘In an attempt to document the discrimination against people in consensually non-monogamous (or kinky) relationships, the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom has initiated the Narrative Project,’ she noted.

The coalition collects self-reported stories of discrimination (and consent violations) that have affected people in polyamorous, open, and other CNM relationships.

Is polyamory a sexual orientation?

Polyamory is not currently recognised as a sexual orientation, and some polyamorists wouldn’t consider it as such.

But Ann Tweedy, a professor at the Hamline University School of Law, argued in the 2011 University of Cincinnati Law Review that polyamory fits the legal definition of a sexual orientation.

Given that polyamory is a sexual orientation for some, Tweedy believes it should be protected under employment discrimination statues, which she feels currently rely on a narrow interpretation of sexual orientation incongruent with the sex and gender diversity of modern society.

‘Polyamory appears to be at least moderately embedded as an identity,’ Tweedy wrote. ‘Because polyamorists face considerable discrimination, and because non-monogamy is an organising principle of inequality in [many Western’] cultures.’

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There’s A Link Between Gratitude & Better Sex

By Kelly Gonsalves

Gratitude practices are all the rage these days, and for good reason. Research continues to unearth more and more benefits of gratitude, from relieving stress to improving sleep. The latest addition to the list? Better sex among couples.

A recent study published in the Social Psychological and Personality Science journal found that the more people experience and receive gratitude in their relationships, the more likely they are to be invested in their partner’s sexual pleasure—leading to more mutual sexual satisfaction overall.

What makes us motivated to meet each other’s needs?

A team of researchers wanted to see if gratitude could improve something called sexual communal strength, which is the degree to which a person is motivated to meet their partner’s sexual needs. People high in sexual communal strength genuinely care about their partner’s pleasure and meeting their partner’s needs, and past research has shown folks with higher sexual communal strength tend to have happier relationships and more sexually satisfying ones. Some studies have even found people with higher sexual communal strength tend to have more sexual desire in general and an easier time getting aroused.

So, how do you increase this coveted quality of sexual communal strength? The researchers’ theory: more gratitude.

The team—including psychologists Ashlyn Brady, Levi R. Baker, Amy Muise, and Emily Impett—tested this theory out over the course of three separate studies.

In one study, the researchers surveyed 185 people in relationships about their sexual communal strength, their experiences of gratitude toward their partner, and the expressions of gratitude they received from their partner. Lo and behold, people who’d had more gratitude in the relationship (both felt and received) tended to have more sexual communal strength.

In another study, they had 118 couples track these gratitude experiences and their levels of sexual communal strength over the course of three months. As the researchers periodically checked in with the couples, they found both experiencing and receiving gratitude was associated with improvements in sexual communal strength over time.

In a third study, they wanted to see if gratitude would cause an increase in sexual communal strength (as opposed to just correlation). So they asked 203 people in relationships to journal about one of four things: a recent experience of having gratitude for their partner, a recent experience of receiving gratitude from their partner, a recent enjoyable experience that had nothing to do with their partner, or a recent neutral experience related to their partner. After the writing exercise, everybody was surveyed about their sexual communal strength—and once again, those who’d journaled about a gratitude experience (whether giving or receiving) reported higher communal strength than the folks who journaled about other things.

If gratitude helps boost sexual communal strength, and sexual communal strength boosts both partners’ sexual satisfaction, then it’s reasonable to assume gratitude could be a key ingredient to mutually satisfying sex in a relationship.

“Gratitude is a positively valenced emotion that arises in response to the recognition that another person has been beneficial or valuable to them,” Brady and her colleagues write in the paper on their findings. “Gratitude functions to motivate people to maintain relationships with valuable others. The current studies extend this growing body of literature to the sexual domain by revealing that gratitude similarly motivates people to meet their partner’s sexual needs.”

The takeaway? Couples working on improving their sex life might benefit from adopting a regular gratitude practice, including both individually journaling about why they’re grateful for each other and sharing that appreciation for each other openly. (Now, of course, this only works if this gratitude is authentic and without ulterior motives. And likewise, our motivation to support each other’s pleasure must come out of authentic enthusiasm and not pressure.)

When we’re grateful for our relationship, we’re naturally more enthusiastic about doing all the things that keep it healthy and strong—such as having a good sex life. We pay more attention to our partner’s sexual needs and care more about meeting them, and we find ourselves feeling more sexually fulfilled in the process.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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7 LGBTQ sex facts you probably didn’t learn in high school sex ed class

By Canela López 

Comprehensive sex education in the US has been a point of contention for decades, with former Surgeon General Dr. Joycelyn Elders even being asked to resign from her post in 1991 for endorsing sex education and masturbation.

While some states have moved away from an abstinence-only curriculum, only 29 states mandate some kind of sex education curriculum. And the problem of proper sex education is even worse for LGBTQ teens. 

According to Dr. Sara C. Flowers, vice president of education for Planned Parenthood Federation of America, only 9 states and the District of Columbia include LGBTQ-inclusive sex education in their curriculum.

“Queer young people are often left out of the conversation altogether,” Flowers told Insider. “This can result in a lot of misinformation about their identities, bodies, and health — leaving them without the skills or resources they need to have healthy relationships or safe sex, if and when they make that decision.”  

Gina Desiderio, director of communications for The Health Teen Network, told Insider that not only does this do a disservice to LGBTQ youth, it actually worsens their mental health. 

“Research shows that LGBTQ+ young people report disproportionate experiences of depression, bullying, and feelings of unsafety at school — and these experiences are even more common among LGBTQ+ youth of color,” Desiderio said. “However, queer youth that do receive inclusive sex education are less likely to feel unsafe and report lower levels of victimization because of their identity.” 

Insider compiled a list of the most critical queer sex education facts left out of the classroom. 

Some people using hormones aren’t sure what protection to use, but there are some creative solutions.

Barriers like condoms are not just used to prevent pregnancy. They serve an important role in preventing the spread of STIs like gonorrhea, chlamydia, and HIV.

According to Flowers, they should be used regardless of you or your partner’s genitalia. However, oftentimes condoms are framed as the only option. Dental damns, latex gloves, and other alternatives can better suit the needs of different people.

“If you or your partner has an enlarged clitoris from taking testosterone, you can create a barrier method using a latex glove by cutting off the fingers and placing it over the clitoris, or by cutting the glove or a condom into a dental dam that leaves extra space in the thumb for the clitoris,” Flowers said.

Even if you’re performing non-penetrative sex, these kinds of barriers should be used.

Use barriers on your sex toys as well.

Barriers are important even if you’re using a sex toy on a partner.

If you use sex toys on multiple people (like yourself and your partner), putting a condom on them can help keep everyone involved safe.

“Condoms can also be used on sex toys to reduce the chance of passing STIs between partners,” Flowers said.

You can still get pregnant even if you or your partner are taking gender-affirming hormones.

Sometimes, trans and non-binary people undergo Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT), and take gender-affirming hormones like estrogen and testosterone. 

While these hormones change the body, affect fertility and even eliminate periods for some, they are not a form of birth control. People on HRT can still get pregnant or impregnate another person. 

“People taking gender-affirming hormones like testosterone and estrogen can still become involved in a pregnancy,” Flowers said. “To prevent pregnancy, consider non-hormonal birth control options, including the copper IUD or barrier methods like external or internal condoms, which still work while taking gender-affirming hormones.”

‘Losing your virginity’ isn’t necessarily penetration between a penis and a vagina — it can look like many things.

Oftentimes, sex and losing your virginity is framed as having penetrative sex between cisgender man with a penis and cisgender woman with a vagina.

But sex and losing your virginity can look like a variety of ways for people and certainly doesn’t have to involve penetration.

In addition to penetrative sex being centered, sex in many sex ed classes is oftentimes from as a means to an end to have a child. Not only does this undermine the importance of pleasure in cisgender heterosexual sex, it completely erases many queer people who cannot have sex that results in a pregnancy.

“Too often, sex education casts all adolescent sexual activity in the narrowest, most sex-negative of lights: potentially dangerous at best, and catastrophic at worst,” Desiderio told Insider. “This failure to integrate sex positivity matters to queer and straight, cisgender young people alike.”

Desiderio told Insider instead educators should be openly talking about pleasure in the context of sex.

“Having frank, open conversations about sexual pleasure acknowledges people have sex for reasons other than reproduction, affirming the identities of LGBTQ+ people too often erased by curricula infatuated with the nitty-gritty details of when sperm meets egg,” Desiderio said.

It’s important to be aware that homophobia and transphobia can drive low self-esteem. And that can affect relationships.

According to Flowers, dating violence is oftentimes mentioned in the context of cisgender and straight relationships, but it’s crucial for LGBTQ youth to understand dating violence can happen to anyone, regardless of gender identity, presentation, or sexual orientation.

In fact, because LGBTQ people are at risk of being rejected by their family and facing homophobia or transphobia in their day to day life, they are more at risk of falling into toxic relationships.

“LGBTQ+ young people deserve sex education that helps them learn how to identify healthy and unhealthy relationships, teaches them about consent, and lets them know they deserve to be supported if they are in an unsafe or unhealthy relationship,” Flowers told Insider.

These are some good techniques to consider when coming out to your family.

While the decision to come out differs from person to person, having the proper language to talk about sexual orientation and gender identity is necessary for a young LGBTQ person to talk to their family.

“Including tips for coming out about gender identity or sexual orientation in classroom instruction is one way to de-center heteronormative relationships and ensure all young people are getting what they need from sex education,” Flowers said. 

Here are some tips Flowers suggested that can make you feel more comfortable and prepared:

  • Choose a private location
  • Plan what you’re going to say ahead of time
  • Prepare for questions about your sexuality or gender identity

Pay attention to politics. Race, gender, ability, and class all affect your access to sexual health.

The way we have sex, and access sexual healthcare, can be greatly impacted by our gender, sexuality, or race. For example, HIV/AIDs still disproportionately impacts Black and Latinx queer men in the United States.

That’s why it’s important to understand the challenges you personally face in life, beyond in the bedroom, according to Desiderio.

“These factors combined affect the health and well-being of LGBTQ+ and gender nonconforming youth, as evidenced by high rates of attempted and completed suicide, unplanned pregnancies, and HIV and sexually transmitted infection diagnoses,” Desiderio said.

At school, Desiderio says, there should be open discussions about each child’s identity, so they can be prepared for oppression and the barriers they may face in life.

“Institutions organized for the dominant population too often marginalize, ignore, or erase the LGBTQ+ experience and queer sex,” Desiderio said. “Young people face vast systemic inequities and structural barriers to ensuring their health; affirming, inclusive sex education is one way we can support and empower young people to thrive.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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12 Video Chat Sex Tips From Women In Long Distance Relationships

By Gabrielle Kassel

Thanks to the novel coronavirus pandemic, pretty much everything you used to do in person—work, happy hour, doc appointments, weddings—have all moved to Zoom, Google Hangouts, and Facetime. But sex? Yep. That too.

Katie, 29, a New York-based publicist is one of the unlucky lovebirds who has unexpectedly found herself in a LDR. “Pre-quarantine, my boyfriend and I probably had sex five or six times a week, and surprisingly the pandemic hasn’t changed how often we’re having sex, just how we have sex,” she says. “And I’ve gotta admit, video sex is way more intimate and fun than I thought it would be.”

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“COVID-19 pandemic or not, video sex with a partner can be totally hot,” says Zhana Vrangalova, PhD, professor of human sexuality at New York University and resident sexpert for sex-toy brand LELO. Think about it, you’re basically creating a personal porno just for your partner. “But unlike porn, video sex is a two-way street—you’re able to watch and hear your partner while they watch and hear you.” Hot, right?

But video chat sex can feel super awk at first, and there’s indeed an art to it. Here are tips from Katie and other women about how to make “special” video calls even better.

How to have video sex you actually enjoy:

1. Pick your platform wisely.

Before you even think about getting busy on camera, do a little research about the platform you’re thinking about using. Zoom, Skype, and WhatsApp, for instance, all have explicit rules against nudity and sexually explicit material. Sorry to break it to ya.

What platforms are video-sex kosher? At the time of publication, FaceTime and Telegram have no explicit rules against it.

2. Only do it with partners you trust…like, a lot.

About to accept a video call? Do a gut check. “Screenshots are absolutely a thing, so if any part of you feels like this person might take screenshots without your consent, opt out,” says Carly, 32, New York-based founder of Dildo or Dildon’t. Even if it’s been over a month since you’ve last got laid, no case of quarantine randies is worth some jerk having your nudes without consent or knowledge.

3. Schedule it in advance.

Feeling a little ‘LOL WHAT ARE DAYS?.’ Scheduling your sesh in advance just as you would for an IRL meet-up can help, says Maile, 30, a New York-based operations manager. “Scheduling video sex with my new boo helps make my days feel a little less monotonous, and it actually gives me something to look forward to.”

Plus, she says planning ahead gives her at least a few hours to figure out what lingerie she’s going to wear underneath her clothes, what toys she wants to have fully charged (important!), what lube she wants ready for use, and *exactly* where she’ll set up her camera (see below).

4. Figure out where you’ll set up the camera.

Your first instinct might just be to hold the phone. But getting freaky (read: orgasming) over video is way easier when you have both your hands to, ahem, aid in arousal.

Find a place to prop your phone up so that the lighting is in front of (not behind!) you, suggests Carly. “You also want the camera to be slightly higher up than you are,” she says. She invested in the GripTight Gorilla stand (shown here) so that she can set her phone up at an optimal height/place in the bedroom or bathroom or living room (hate to say it, but the best lighting may actually not be in the bedroom).

But if you don’t want to splurge on some video sex-cessories, Maile says, “I’ve been propping my phone up against a stack of books on my bedside table and it works just fine.”

5. Limit distractions.

Generally speaking, it’s rude as hell to check your cell or email when you’re out with your boo. But when you’re both (partially or fully) naked?? Well, *leaves meeting*.

Put your phone in do not disturb mode and disable your Slack and email notifications. “It can be hard enough to establish intimacy via video, so the last thing I want is a work email to interrupt the moment,” says Sarah Sloane, a sex educator who’s been coaching sex toy classes at Good Vibrations and Pleasure Chest since 2001.

6. Treat it like a date.

Don’t feel like you need to be naked, sprawled, and ready the second you answer the call. If you’re feeling romantic, make a whole damn date night out of it like Maile and her S.O. do.

“I may be living in a world of back-to-back meetings. But these video sessions aren’t that—these video sessions are what we’re resorting to in place of in-person date and romps,” she says.

So, she gets dressed up (lingerie underneath, of course), lights candles, cleans the apartment, breaks out a bottle of wine, and makes a fancy dinner. “We like to start with a drink, maybe some food, talk about our days, and when the mood veers toward the sensual or sexual, we let it,” she says. Modern romance!

7. Or have a quickie.

If you’re like Sloane and only have time for (or simply prefer) quickies, you’ve got another option: lean into sex-texting as foreplay. “We’re both working, so we like to sext all day long to build up the anticipation. Then, when we’re both unbearably horny and have a few minutes, we’ll hop on [camera] and get off together real quick,” she says.

8. If you’re nervous, say so!

Spoiler alert: These are unprecedented times that we’re livin’ in, and we’re all just trying to find ways to get our skin hunger met and feel a little less socially distant. So chances are your partner is just as new to this as you are.

“Telling my partner that I was nervous but excited helped me relax,” says new video sex aficionado, Angelica*, 31, a Texas-based accountant. “It turned out they were also nervous, which helped take some of the pressure off.”

9. Pull out the pleasure products.

The Womanizer may be your go-to, but Carly recommends bringing in toys that are way more ~visual~ than that. “You don’t want a toy that you just plop onto your bits, you want a toy that helps you put on a show.” Her suggestion? Opt for a thrusting vibrator like the Fun Factory Stronic G or Calexotics Shameless Tease. “I like to position them between my legs, then angle the camera down so my partner can see them rocking.”

Finger vibrators like the Dame Fin or Unbound Palma are good options too because your partner can still see your bits—and how you like to stroke yourself—even with the toy in the frame.

Oh, and take a tip from Sloane and ask if your partner has any sex toys that will really turn them off. You’re doing this together, remember?

10. Use lube.

Even if you don’t usually use lube during IRL sex, without your Babe’s hand and mouth in the mix helping to warm you up (or tbh, your go-to porno), it may take you a little longer to self-lubricate. And that’s where lube comes in. “Not only will the lube cut down on the friction, but it’s also visually sexy because it makes you look wet and slick on camera,” says Carly.

11. Make some noise.

It might sound a little “duh,” but when you’re video-sexing, in addition to not getting to touch your partner, you don’t get to smell or taste them. That’s why hamming up the audio component is a must. “All my partner gets is the sight and sound of me, so I really ramp up the dirty talk, moaning, and heavy breathing,” says Sloane.

If you’re feeling nervous about dirty talking, that’s A-OK, too. Katie doesn’t dirty talk at all, and she still has what she calls “orgasmic video sex.” “Instead of trying to say something more wild than I would if we were offline, I just let whatever moans and sounds that would happen naturally, happen,” she says.

12. Have fun!

“If there’s a silver lining in any of this,” says Kate, “it’s that it’s given my partner and me some more time to experiment with what feels good for both of us, have some seriously hot fun, and practice communicating our sexual wants and needs.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Free BDSM porn film from Erika Lust will teach you so much about fetish and kink

As well as being realllllly hot, it tackles some of the most common miscoceptions about BDSM.

By Paisley Gilmour

Indie porn director Erika Lust is best known for her ethical production processes and feminist erotic films. From VR porn allowing people to live out their sex party fantasies, to this free porn she released which was shot by the actors in lockdown (and even her free adult sex education videos), she is always challenging what mainstream (read: largely unethical) porn sites are doing.

And she’s just released a new film that we can all watch for free – this time, it’s exploring BDSM and fetish through a mini series of short films. Titled ‘Safe Word’, the series will examine common misconceptions and myths about kink and educate BDSM beginners. And as well as teaching us all some important BDSM truths, it’s super hot masturbatory material, of course.

Starring Mona Wales and Mickey Mod, ‘Safe Word’ follows Mona’s character Christie as she explores BDSM for the first time after meeting her new neighbour Mickey, a well known adult actor. After witnessing him dominating a blindfolded woman in his apartment one night, Christie enlists the help of Madama Opal to explore on her own.

The series will follow Christie as she experiences voyeurism, solo play, a fetish session and a BDSM party. Be prepared to have your preconceptions about BDSM proven wrong, and to be shown just how sexy communication, consent and respecting someone’s boundaries can be.

“BDSM still has a stigma attached to it and its explorers in our mainstream culture,” Erika explains. “People who enjoy kinks are often seen as perverse, mentally sick, or victims of past trauma. However, when referring to BDSM we are mainly talking about a healthy, sexy culture of communication and awareness in sex.

“Whether you’re into it or not, I believe it can be a powerful learning tool for everyone on how to discuss boundaries beforehand as well as to stay in tune with each other during any other type of sexual relationship.”

Once you’ve devoured episode one, you’ll be able to watch the remaining episodes at LustCinema as they’re released every Friday until July 10.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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7 ways to boost your sex drive

By Ashley Laderer

  • You can increase your sex drive by reducing stress levels, gaining a better understanding of what turns you on, letting go of performance anxiety, and reducing negative anticipation among other methods.
  • Getting enough sleep could also increase your desire for sex since sleep quality can influence libido.
  • You could also try talking to a therapist since this can help you address issues like shame surrounding sex, body image, or trauma.
  • Media and societal norms lead people to believe that they should be ready to have sex at any given moment. While this is the experience of some people, it certainly isn’t the case for everybody.If you’re looking to increase your sex drive, there are a few things you can do to boost your desire. Here is what the research says.

    There is no such this as a normal sex drive

    Everyone’s libido is different, and the same person’s sex drive might fluctuate over time, depending on circumstances. This is normal. According to sexologist and sexuality counselor Jess O’Reilly, Human Sexuality PhD and host of the Sex With Dr. Jess Podcast, there’s no universal standard or rule of thumb when it comes to sexual desire.

    “Low desire is only a problem if you deem it one or you find it distressful. Some people want sex several times per day and others don’t want it at all, and all experiences can be perfectly healthy,” says O’Reilly.

    However, if you do find your lack of sexual desire distressing and you want to be more interested in sex, O’Reilly recommends looking at whether your libido is low due to lifestyle or relational factors, which could range from trouble communicating with eachother, lacking emotional connection, or dealing with existing conflicts such as fighting over money or kids.

    Reduce stress levels

    Stress can cause various physical symptoms including a lower libido. 

    O’Reilly says your levels of cortisol — commonly referred to as the stress hormone — rise when you’re stressed out, and this can interfere with your sexual desire and arousal. A 2018 survey conducted by the BBC found that 45% of respondents said that stress negatively affected their sex drive.

    However, learning to reduce or manage stress can be difficult. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and support, whether it’s from your partner or a therapist. You can also try stress-relieving activities, such as meditation or exercise. Mindfulness has also proven to help improve sexual desire and sexual functioning, especially in women.

    Understand arousal and learn what turns you on

    For many people, the desire for sex isn’t there 24/7. “Desire does not always occur spontaneously. Most people need to get aroused first, and then they might experience desire. If you sit around waiting for sexual desire to occur on its own, it simply may not happen,” says O’Reilly.

    There are plenty of ways you can ramp up arousal, and thus, desire. Try some of the following:

    • Fantasizing
    • Sexting
    • Watching porn
    • Reading erotic stories
    • Touching yourself
    • Experimenting with sex toys
    • Having your partner kiss and touch you without the expectation of sex
    • Listening to erotica
    • Enjoying music that feels sexual to you

    Get creative and experiment with what turns you on most and increases your desire. O’Reilly says that once you’re aroused, it’s much more likely that desire for sex will follow.

    Expanding your definition of what sex means can also be helpful. If you are not excited by the type of sex you have been engaged in, trying something new can be exciting.

    Let go of performance anxiety

    Performance anxiety, pressure, and stress surrounding sex is likely to curb your arousal and your desire. “Pressure is the antithesis to pleasure, so if you feel pressure to have sex in a certain way, look a certain way, have an orgasm, get hard, get wet, make specific sounds or want sex with a specific frequency, you may find that you lose interest altogether,” says O’Reilly.

    Take time out to really get to know yourself sexually. O’Reilly says that spending time better understanding your body’s unique responses through masturbation can help you to be more at ease when you’re with a partner. She also highly recommends using mindfulness during masturbation, and mindfulness in general, which will result in benefits in partnered sex.

    Practicing mindfulness has been studied with great results in regards to libido. A 2014 study published in Behaviour Research and Therapy examined 117 women who struggled with low desire. After mindfulness training, there was a significant decrease in “sex-related distress.”

    With practice, mindfulness can help you stay in the moment, enjoy pleasure, and let performance anxiety roll off your back. Talking to a therapist or opening up to your partner about your performance anxiety can also be helpful.

    Get enough sleep

    Sleep affects many aspects of your health and behavior, including your sex drive. A 2019 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that lack of quality sleep is correlated to low libido, as well as difficulty orgasming in women.

    O’Reilly says exhaustion can lead to lack of desire for sex.In this case, you should be prioritizing sleep over sex. Once you take care of your sleep habits, you may notice a difference in your libido, according to O’Reilly.

    Address relationship dissatisfaction

    When you’re in a relationship and you’re experiencing issues with your partner, it’s likely that those problems will spill over into the bedroom and leave one or both of you less likely to want sex.

    “If you’re harboring resentment, dealing with a partner who doesn’t want to engage, struggling with ongoing conflict, recovering from hurt and trauma, it’s unlikely that you’ll want sex spontaneously,” says O’Reilly.

    It’s best to work on these issues with your partner rather than sweep them under the rug and hope they go away. O’Reilly suggests talking about underlying sources or tension, and being open about issues. You can do this alone with your partner or with the help of a couples’ therapist.

    Reduce Negative Anticipation

    You might not be looking forward to sex if you are worried about potential or actual negative consequences.

    If you don’t want to get pregnant or are worried about STIs, use barrier methods such as condoms and hormonal birth control. Be sure to have conversations with any partner about your comforts and concerns.

    Some people also experience unwanted pain with sex. This is not something to be excited about. Ask your doctor about any pain or discomfort you experience.

    If you regularly have issues with reliable erections and control over orgasms, you might be worried about sex being pleasurable for you and your partner. Make an appointment with a urologist if you have any issues with erections or orgasms.

    Talk to a therapist

    Talking to a general therapist or a sex therapist can help you deal with underlying psychological reasons that you might be experiencing low sex drive. O’Reilly says this can be particularly helpful if you’re dealing with shame surrounding sex, body image, or trauma.

    There is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about regarding sex or seeking therapy to help with your sex life. This can be a way to examine the sources of your distress. If there is an underlying psychological cause, then simply trying to boost your libido probably won’t help. You need to address the fundamental issue at hand, first.

    Try out these tips to give your libido a boost and you’ll be on your way to wanting – and enjoying – sex again.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Negotiating Safe Socializing Has a Lot in Common With Negotiating Safe Sex

By April Dembosky

Ina Park has been in a monogamous marriage for more than 15 years, but she feels like she’s been having one safe sex conversation after another these days.

Like, after she and some close friends spent time together without masks on, forcing her to later ask: “Are you seeing other people?”

Then, the mother of her son’s friend suggested letting the boys play basketball together, leading to detailed negotiations about risk tolerance, boundaries and protection.

“Those are conversations that some of us were used to having in the past and have not had for a long time,” said Park. “Now, suddenly, we’re having to have these awkward, safe sex-type conversations with all types of people that you wouldn’t ordinarily have to have these conversations with.”

Park is a doctor who treats people with sexually transmitted infections at the San Francisco City Clinic and author of a book about STIs, “Strange Bedfellows“, so she’s used to explaining to people, when you have sex with someone, you’re essentially having sex with whoever else they’re having sex with.

Now, it’s whoever you’re breathing next to.

As Bay Area residents emerge from strict shelter-in-place rules and consider getting a haircut or hosting a family BBQ, we have a lot to negotiate with each other about what we’re willing to do, with whom and how.

All this requires some nuanced communication skills. Doctors and sex education teachers, as well as polyamory and BDSM practitioners, have years of best practices and guidance to offer, drawing various parallels between negotiating safe sex and negotiating safe socializing.

“If you really want to make sure your partner uses a condom, you have to express why it’s important to you and why it’s aligned with your values and why that’s something that you need from them,” said Julia Feldman, who runs the sex education consultancy, Giving the Talk. “If you want your mom to wear a mask when you see her, you need to explain why it’s important to you and why it’s aligned with your values.”

Feldman helped develop sex education curriculum for the Oakland Unified School District. She says Bay Area schools have shifted away from knowledge-based teaching — sperm fertilizing the egg, etc — to focusing more on communication skills like these; skills many adults have never received formal training on.

“The more people communicate what they want and what they desire and what they’re comfortable with, the more we actually get what we want,” Feldman said. “This is a really good time to practice that.”

Feldman has been practicing her skills over and over during the pandemic, like when she invited a friend over for a socially-distanced cocktail in her backyard. They had an extensive conversation about how they would sit (six feet apart); what they would drink (her friend would accept a can she could wipe down); whether they would wear masks (no); if Feldman would serve snacks (no).

Sex educator Julia Feldman says the same communication skills she teaches teens about sex are helpful for everyone during the pandemic.

“Because if you show up at someone’s house and they have a beautiful spread and they’re expecting that you’re just going to dig into a platter of food with them, and that’s not what you’re comfortable with, there might be disappointment on their part,” Feldman said. “There’s a lot of emotions involved.”

Her friend also asked in advance if she could use Feldman’s bathroom while she was there.

“So I disinfected this one bathroom and created a pathway through my house. But it really was only because she was cognizant of articulating that need and I was able to take time to accommodate it,” she said. “If she had showed up and said, ‘Oh, I really have to pee. Can I use your bathroom?’ I don’t know what I would have done.”

Lessons from Kink

This very detailed thinking and advanced negotiating shares similarities with the world of BDSM; sexual role-play, involving bondage, dominance and submission.

“You start tying people up without consent and it just goes south right away — you just can’t do that,” said Carol Queen, staff sexologist at Good Vibrations, the sex toy and sexual health company with locations throughout the Bay Area.

Good Vibrations sexologist Carol Queen says we have a lot of lessons we can borrow from the BDSM and polyamory communities in negotiating consent during the pandemic.

She suggests considering a common tool from the BDSM world: a detailed spreadsheet of every possible kinky activity — from leather restraints to nipple clamps — with columns to be filled in for yes, no or maybe. It’s a conversation starter for beginners and helps facilitate conversations ahead of kink parties. Queen says we need an equivalent checklist for the coronavirus.

“That helps people do that very first step of understanding what their own situation and needs and desires are,” she said. “Somebody, make this list for us!”

Queen has always emphasized that communication doesn’t stop once you get to the party. In her starring role in the 1998 instructional video/feminist porn film, Bend Over Boyfriend, she stressed the point repeatedly: “It’s deeply important that you are verbal with each other and say, ‘Yes, no, faster, I’m ready, I’m not ready.’ It’s very important because if you’re going on your partner’s wavelength, you’re going to have a greater experience.”

Two decades later, through a pandemic, she said it still holds true.

“The idea that it’s okay to be that talkative in the service of safety and comfort really is what we learned from that,” Queen said. “It’s a very important lesson in sex and, these days, under most other circumstances.”

Negotiating commitment

As some counties start to encourage people to form social pods or “quaranteams” as a way to limit socializing among two or three households, we now essentially have to decide which of our friends or family we ask to go steady with us.

“I wish I had more polyamorous friends to help me navigate that situation,” said Park, the STI doctor. As in, folks with experience brokering different levels of intimacy with multiple partners and establishing ground rules for the group.

As a physician who often talks with patients about infidelity when an infection enters the picture, Park wonders how pods will deal with social infidelities.

“There’s inevitably going to be betrayals, ‘Oh, I cheated on our pod with somebody else,’ and then having to disclose that to the pod,” she said. “Does the relationship recover? Or do you kick that person out of your pod forever?”

In Park’s experience, it’s always better to admit to an affair before an infection enters the picture, whether it’s chlamydia or the coronavirus, so everyone can take precautions. With the coronavirus, the offending pod member can self-quarantine for two weeks away from the rest of the group, so no one gets sick.

But whether you’re being kicked out of a pod or no one’s invited you to be part of a pod in the first place, the experts agree we all need to get better at handling rejection. The pandemic is temporary, but we’re in it with our loved ones for the long term, so we need to respect each other’s anxieties and boundaries.

“Don’t take it personally,” said Queen. “We’re all new here at this party.”

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Sex, Social Distancing and the Fall Semester

In this global pandemic, adults must get over their squeamishness about young people’s sexuality and talk about how sex figures into campus life, Jennifer S. Hirsch and Shamus Khan contend.

By Jennifer S. Hirsch and Shamus Khan

A recent behind-the-scenes look at the University of Kentucky’s deliberations about the fall semester revealed detailed plans for housing, dining and classes but contained only an oblique reference to students’ social and sexual lives: “Even if administrators could enforce the rules on campus … what about after hours?” The American College Health Association’s recent “Considerations for Reopening” were similarly silent on sex. And discussions of “how to approach occupancy and personal spacing in student housing” miss the point that in college, as elsewhere, beds are not just for sleeping.

In this moment of global pandemic, it’s urgent for adults to get over their squeamishness about young people’s sexuality and talk about how sex figures into campus life.

Colleges and universities are social institutions. Students see this social life — friendships, extracurriculars and networking, and also sex — as fundamental to the college experience. Our book, Sexual Citizens, draws on three semesters of research spending time with and interviewing undergraduates on the Columbia University and Barnard College campuses. In it, we found that students want many things out of their university experience, what we call their “college projects.” These include being introduced to challenging ideas, mastering a discipline, developing new interests and skills, meeting people from a range of backgrounds, and cultivating critical life skills. But one of the most important college projects for students is their “sexual project”: having the kinds of sexual experiences they want and discovering what sex means to them.

The students we interviewed described wide-ranging sexual projects. Sometimes, sex is about pleasure. Other times, intimacy. For many students, especially early on in college, the goals are accruing experience, impressing their friends or figuring out who they are. Sometimes sexual projects entail a lot of sex, but the sexual project can be no sex: one young man, a devout born-again Christian, saw his commitment to abstinence as a fundamental expression of his new self.

One of the reasons students arrive on campus so intent on their sexual projects is that few adults had ever asked the students with whom we spoke what sex meant to them. For many young people, home is an environment of sexual silence and shame, and college offers the promise of a space where they can express themselves. Many American parents convey to their children, “Not under my roof.” The message is clear: sex itself is immoral.

Sex education, even when it’s not abstinence-only, frequently amplifies those familial messages of shame and fear. Many students we spoke with described K-12 sex ed as “the sexual diseases class” — a barrage of messaging about the risks of sex. While STDs are an important health concern, a focus on sex’s adverse consequences absent any discussion of sex in relation to pleasure or connection conveys the message that young people’s sexual desires are unacceptable. This is even more pronounced for queer students, whose very identities are erased by most sex ed curricula, by the unquestioned heteronormativity of high school’s prom kings and queens, and by the all-too-frequent experience of returning home every day to families where they cannot be themselves.

College and sex aren’t just tied together because they provide an escape from the silences of home. There are also developmental reasons: the average age at first intercourse in America is about 17. That means that many 18- or 19-year-olds starting college have not yet had sex, and even those who have often haven’t had much experience. Most students, imagining their own deficit, are eager to “catch up” with their peers.

If, as in Jennifer’s family, these months of social distancing have included some nostalgic parental choices for family movie night, the high school Class of 2020 may have been subjected to oldies like Grease or Risky Business. But whether it is those or other cringey classics like Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Porky’s and American Pie or sleepers like Blockers or films with a more modern sensibility like Ladybird, Booksmart or Love, Simon, American movies about the end of high school have one consistent message: it is an essential time to figure out sex in order to launch into the world, finally, as an adult. Shut indoors for months, without prom, senior trip or even the mild flirting that comes with yearbook signing, the Class of 2020 is likely to feel more acutely what young people long have felt: that they are behind when it comes to sex. While they may not say it to their parents, the disappointment about an online start to the school year is at least as much about the social and sexual as it is about the educational.

Before parents roll their eyes at today’s youth, or imagine that 17 is “way too early,” they need to be honest with themselves. Young Americans today are on average older than their parents were the first time they had sex. It’s not just that they’re having sex later; it also seems likely that they’re having less of it. Even grandparents may want to check their judgement: as far back as 1959, two deans at the University of California, Los Angeles, wrote, “Think of college and you think of flaming youth; think of flaming youth and you think of liquor and sex.”

A Student-Centered Approach

It’s been decades since most institutions of higher education rescinded parietals: rules about when opposite sex visitors could be in a dorm and under what kind of supervision. Those policy changes were an important recognition of students’ “sexual citizenship” — an official, if tacit, acknowledgment of young people’s right to sexual self-determination. Now is not the time to bring those rules back under the guise of protection. Instead, we need a student-centered approach that unflinchingly faces the realities of what young people are going to be doing, and how their recent experiences are motivating those actions.

In Sexual Citizens, we use sexual projects and sexual citizenship to reveal the social roots of campus sexual assault. But the ideas have a broader application, as a framework for understanding sex on campus and as a way of thinking about what it would look like to organize sexual and social lives in relation to the common good. Sexual projects and sexual citizenship are the logical starting point for respectful dialogue between administrators and students, and among students themselves, about sex during a pandemic. We have been here before: in the early years of HIV, gay activists, advised by a virologist, published a pamphlet that “provided some of the earliest guidance on safer sex for gay men.” That approach — acknowledging that people have compelling social reasons for behaviors that entail some health risk and engaging in candid and nonjudgmental conversation about how to make those activities safer — is called harm reduction.

Recently, experts from Planned Parenthood, the American Sexual Health Association and Fenway Health joined the New York City and San Francisco health departments in promoting a harm reduction approach to sex during this pandemic. That entails recognizing sex as a normal part of a healthy life, reminding people that “you are your safest sexual partner” and providing guidance on how to minimize the risk of transmission for those who seek out new partners.

The take-home for institutions of higher education is clear: instead of saying, “Don’t have sex,” acknowledge young people’s sexual projects and encourage them to channel those projects in socially responsible ways. The safest sex is solo or remote. Those who chose in-person sex should use condoms and other barriers and remember to wash up before and after sex. And “if you do have sex with others, have as few partners as possible.”

Higher ed leaders should remember that this is generation that has led, rather than followed, in the name of collective responsibility, with one study showing that 20 percent of millennials had changed their diet because of concerns about climate change, compared to only 8 percent of baby boomers. Conversations that explicitly connect incoming students’ sexual projects to the greater good will resonate with lessons all around them. Whether wearing masks or doing Mother’s Day, birthdays and even funerals online to protect our beloved elders, huge numbers of us, including many members of the Class of 2020, have foregone myriad small pleasures for the collective good.

This is a critical moment for rethinking and reorganizing campus sex. At least some of the students whose stories appear in Sexual Citizens, as well as some whom Lisa Wade interviewed in American Hookup, articulated substantial ambivalence about hookup culture. We think in particular about the young woman who compared getting drunk before hooking up to Novocain at the dentist — the numbing required to get through the discomfort. This is a moment to reimagine welcoming students to college as a long process that offers an appealing range of activities through which students can get to know each other more slowly — before or even perhaps without ever getting naked. Those activities, in combination with the moral cover provided by the need to socially distance, may offer those who want it an opportunity to step back from the notion that “doing college” necessarily means getting drunk and having sex.

Institutions have been slowly building toward a greater recognition of college students’ sexual citizenship: officially sanctioned BDSM clubs, vending-machine availability of emergency contraception, widespread campus condom availability programs and, of course, sexual assault prevention programs themselves are all acknowledgments that for many students, sex is part of campus life. In normal times, institutions need to think about how they can create environments — reimagining everything from furniture to culture — where those who chose to have sex can do so without harm to themselves or others. COVID-19 just amplifies this obligation.

Like professors across the country, we long to see young people back on campuses — queuing up for office hours, lolling in the sun on the lawns, throwing down their book bags before seminar or even meticulously setting up a whole breakfast as class starts. But having spent semesters immersed in their daily lives, we know not to fool ourselves that they are only here to see us. They come for each other, and they can’t do that until and unless higher ed leaders have an honest and respectful conversation with them about how to do that safely.

That means thinking about young people as sexual citizens, talking to them about what sexual projects are valuable and creating geographies of experience that help them have sex in the ways that they want and that respect the choices of those around them. Whether the goal is promoting social distancing or preventing sexual assault, work with young people needs to begin with a recognition of their right to sexual self-determination.

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More Young Americans Are Going Without Sex

By Dennis Thompson

Sex, and lots of it, has long been the primary preoccupation of young adults, but more of them are now going months and years without any intimate encounters.

New research shows that one of three men between the ages of 18 to 24 have not had any sex during the past year, putting to rest all the talk of the “hookup culture.”

Men and women aged 25 to 34 in the United States also reported an increase in sexual inactivity and a decrease in sexual frequency during the past two decades, the researchers found.

“In the age of Tinder, young people are actually having less sex, not more,” said Jean Twenge, a professor of psychology at San Diego State University.

Analyzing national survey data, researchers found that sexual inactivity increased from 19% to 31% among men 18 to 24 between 2000 and 2018. They defined sexual inactivity as no sex at all for a year or more.

Among those aged 25 to 34, sexual inactivity doubled among men (7% to 14%) and nearly doubled among women (7% to 13%) during the same two decades, the researchers reported.

Many who remain sexually active are having sex less often, the findings also showed. Fewer people are having sex at least weekly, particularly those with one sexual partner.

The report was published online June 12 in JAMA Network Open.

“It is important to distinguish between a decrease in sexual frequency among those who are sexually active and an increase in those who do not have sex at all,” said lead researcher Dr. Peter Ueda, a physician-researcher at the Karolinska Institute in Sweden.

“While the mean sexual frequency among those who were sexually active may reflect their priorities and preferences, sexual inactivity may reflect an absence of sexually intimate relationships, with substantially different implications for public health and society,” Ueda said.

Technology and society appear to be colliding in a way that dramatically affects young adults’ interest in sex, said Twenge, who wrote an editorial accompanying the new study.

Even though kids are entering puberty earlier, they are taking longer to grow into adulthood, Twenge said.

It’s not just about sex. These young adults also are taking longer to begin working, start dating, move out of their parents’ home, settle into a career, live with a partner, have kids or buy houses, Twenge said.

The generation coming up after millennials, which Twenge calls “iGen,” aren’t even that motivated to hang out with friends, she said.

“iGen does those things significantly less than previous generations did at the same age,” Twenge said, noting that young adults these days would rather check out social media, play video games or text their pals.

“They’re choosing to spend their leisure time communicating using their phones instead of face-to-face,” Twenge continued. “When people aren’t face-to-face, they’re probably going to have less sex.”

All told, young adults now might decide that bingeing Netflix or posting on Instagram is more enjoyable than seeking a sexual partner, Twenge said.

“There are just more things to do at 10 p.m. than there used to be,” Twenge explained.

Even when people are together, they’re allowing their smartphones to interfere with their chemistry, Twenge added.

Many people on dates are guilty of “phubbing” — pulling out their phone and snubbing the person they’re with, Twenge said.

“What happens to face-to-face interactions when the phones come up? Not surprisingly, it just doesn’t go as well. It’s not as emotionally close,” Twenge said.

Linda De Villers, a sex therapist in El Segundo, Calif., agreed.

“It is really shocking to be in restaurants and see everybody’s nose in their phone,” De Villers said. “That’s bizarre. That’s about, I don’t want to connect.”

De Villers also wondered if the increase in depression among young adults might have something to do with this trend.

“Of course, lack of sexual interest is related to depression,” De Villers said.

The concept of asexuality also has become trendy, and De Villers wondered what role that might play.

“Asexuality has been quite a buzzword in the last five or six years or so. It tends to be worn as a badge of honor, I believe,” De Villers said. “That does raise a curious question about whether a number of people think sex is a hassle that interferes with other life pursuits for them.”

In the end, is a lack of sexual interest necessarily a bad thing for young adults?

According to Twenge, “That is the sexual peak for a lot of people, in terms of their sex drive and enjoyment and energy levels. You could certainly make the argument that it’s not entirely a good thing that young adults are missing out on sex during that time of their lives.”

De Villers said she isn’t so sure, though.

“The people I know in the field of sexuality, we are a group of people who loosely speaking call ourselves sex-positive. There’s a perspective that sex is good and life-affirming. It’s important to be sexual,” De Villers said. “But the bottom line is, if people are content, we really shouldn’t be evaluating whether it’s a good or bad thing.”

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