For starters, even feather-light touch hits differently when you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP).
Powerful physical sensations, plus a need for deep concentration and actual connection, are often hallmarks of intimacy for HSPs.
Here’s the deal: An HSP’s nervous system processes external stimuli much deeper than others.
Scientifically named sensory processing sensitivity (SPS), it’s a completely normal genetic trait brought to light by clinical psychologist Elaine Aron in the ‘90s.
Personally, I like to say it turns up the volume of life: emotions, physical touch, sense of smell, you name it.
And, yeah, it sounds fancy and all, but we’re really not uncommon. According to Aron, HSPs make up about 15 to 20 percent of the world’s population.
Of course, high sensitivity isn’t a sole determinant of one’s sexual experiences.
The HSP experience varies so much from person to person, and it’s often dependent on a number of different factors.
These takeaways are based on my own experiences as an HSP.
Trust is a big deal, and having an actual connection is integral. I can’t speak for every sensitive soul out there, but I need to feel both physical and mental attraction to really get into intimacy.
Without it, sex feels incredibly pointless — more like some bizarre type of disconnected, yet mutual, masturbation than an experience of embodied pleasure. Hard pass.
After some trial and error, I finally figured this out in my mid-twenties. Now, I’m just not down to be with anyone I don’t feel a connection with.
And, for that exact reason, I highly recommend keeping a vibrator (or two, or three, or, ya know, seven) nearby until someone you truly fancy saunters into your life.
We might get irrationally bothered over a scratchy clothing tag, but it’s made up for by the undulating waves of pleasure that douse our bodies during intimacy (when we’re with the right people — who can be hard to find).
“The heightened nervous system rewards HSPs with extremely powerful orgasms,” explains Megan Harrison, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder of Couples Candy.
“Particularly when slower and drawn-out sexual movements are made around erogenous zones with many nerve endings.”
Our physical pleasure is all in the details. So, that’s a resounding yes to starting slow, subtle, and with consent, as always. Delicate yet deliberate; I can’t think of a more winning combination.
The best sex, to us, is built up over time and ideally has a sprinkle of mystery. That’s not to say there isn’t room for daring adventures — it just takes the right combination and lead up.
Even outside the bedroom, HSP sexuality can be one hell of a force. Our inner worlds can whisk us to faraway places, sometimes delving into deliciously indulgent memories or fantasies for the future.
And, honestly, at this point I’m having a hard time concentrating on writing this section.
Deep pleasure takes a lot of concentration for us. Sometimes, little things can throw off our sensual groove, putting us into a fog of “now I’m not really feeling it.”
“HSPs can move from deeply engaged to disconnected at a moment’s notice,” Harrison explains. “A single rough touch or distracting noise can totally ruin the experience.”
A self-identified HSP, Harrison adds, “we’re so aware of external stimuli and emotions that managing the personal experience can become difficult with interruptions.”
RIP to that one brewing orgasm ruined by my partner’s dog jumping on the foot of the bed.
The HSP tendency to overthink is rife. Sex is no exception. Even in the most, uh, engaging situations.
Not only are we analyzing every fiber of our own sensations, we’re simultaneously trying to imagine how it’s all going from our partner’s perspective.
Emily Stone, PhD, LMFT, the founder and senior clinician at The Unstuck Group, knows it well. Stone says that HSPs sometimes have a “tendency to endure” in their relationships.
It’s not uncommon for us to neglect our own needs because we’re more so thinking about our partner’s experience, which can lead to getting lost in a sexual sea of thought.
When it all lines up right though, Stone says “an HSP’s gifts can bring delight, passion, and depth to the sexual experience in ways that no one else can.” Damn straight.
A good orgasm can send us into a buzzy haze of indulgence, and we might just devolve into a complete blob afterwards.
That’s because we’ve just gone through massive amounts of stimulation, and it’s probably all we’ll think about for at least the next hour or so.
That project you were working on? Yeah, probs not gonna happen anymore.
Open dialogue really is the golden ticket here, and it’s a two-way street.
While it’s taken me time to learn how to speak up about what I like and don’t like in the sheets, that assertion has helped my relationships greatly. It’s something we can all benefit from, regardless of where one falls on the sensitivity scale.
According to Shari Botwin, LCSW, a licensed therapist who’s worked with many HSPs, “non-HSPs need to be open to understanding their partner’s experience.”
“They need to be open to listening and communicating feelings before, during, and after intimacy,” she says.
You heard her: Don’t be shy.
The same goes for HSPs. It’s our responsibility to tell our partners what’s working and what isn’t — without worrying about upsetting them. Again, assert yourself. Your desires are worth it.
High sensitivity is a unique gift, and I’ll always see it that way.
It may take some extra self-discovery and communication to ensure your sexual needs are met. But, hey, what would any sex be without those two things? Nowhere near as good, that’s for sure.
You can feel it. But can you define it? Learn how important sexual chemistry is to your relationship.
By Gabrielle Kassel
Sexual chemistry is one of those things that you know when you feel it. It’s that desire to (consensually) make out with or rip the skivvies off any James Dean lookalike that passes by. Or, that unexpected shock and surge that hits your senses when you brush arms with a the hottie sitting next to you on the subway.
But putting the all-consuming affliction into words proves challenging. (Seriously, could you define sexual chemistry right now if someone asked?) What is sexual chemistry, specifically, and what’s behind this magic, magnetic experience? Better yet, how necessary is it for a good and lasting relationship? Read on for a crib sheet on sexual chemistry, according to pros.
Sexual Chemistry, Defined
“Sexual chemistry is the very strong but ineffable feeling that you feel in your body when you’re attracted to someone,” says Zhana Vrangalova, Ph.D., professor of human sexuality at New York University and creator of Uncensored with Dr. Zhana, an online event series on sex and relationships.
Typically, this attraction is physical, but it can also be intellectual or emotional. Someone who is sapiosexual (meaning they’re first and foremost sexually and emotionally attracted to intelligent people), for example, might feel sexual chemistry with someone who they deem brainy or brilliant, explains Vranglova. On the other hand, someone who is greysexual and biromantic (meaning they rarely experience sexual attraction but have the potential to experience romantic inclinations toward people of two or more genders), might feel sexual chemistry with someone they want to wine and dine.
When you feel it, though, sexual chemistry is intense, says Vranglova. “It’s intoxicating, it’s distracting, and it can become all-consuming.” Psychologist and sex therapist Megan Fleming, Ph.D., resident expert with Love Honey agrees, adding that it can be, “electric,” “hypnotic,” and “irresistible.”
What Does Sexual Chemistry Feel Like?
Usually, you might register that you have sexual chemistry with someone because of the physical symptoms you experience when you see, feel, hear, think about, or smell the person. “Belly butterflies, dilated pupils, increased heart rate, spiked blood pressure, flushed skin, and perspiration are all common physical responses to feeling sexual chemistry with someone,” says Vranglova.
Sexual chemistry can also spur the symptoms you experience when you’re turned on, such as harder nipples, increased blood flow to the genitals, swollen and/or erect external genitals, and increased vaginal lubrication, she says.
What Causes Sexual Chemistry?
Unfortunately, there’s been very little scientific research exploring the causes of sexual chemistry. But Vranglova suspects it’s a combination of a few different things, including:
Biological factors: physical appearance, hormone levels, pheromones (chemical substances produced and released by animals, including humans, to stimulate other individuals of the same species)
Social factors: how similar someone looks to what you’ve been taught is attractive (via cultural beauty standards)
Developmental factors: whether someone reminds you of an earlier pleasurable experience or someone/something familiar or comforting
Is Sexual Chemistry Always Immediate?
While you might instantly feel sexual chemistry with someone — for example, the cutie who just walked into the restaurant, or the model you passed on the street — sexual chemistry can also develop over time, according to Vranglova.
Someone who is demisexual (meaning they only have the potential to experience sexual desire toward someone if an emotional relationship has been firmly established), might not experience sexual chemistry with someone until a year (or more!) into an emotionally tight relationship, she says. (Related: What’s the Deal with Asexuality?)
Other people — even if they don’t identify as demisexual — may not experience sexual chemistry with someone until further into their relationship. “Consider any couples you know who were best friends for 10 years before starting to date and have sex,” she says. “For these couples, the sexual chemistry was not instant, but built over time.”
Sexual Chemistry Can Be One-Sided
“It is absolutely possible for one person to feel like they have sexual chemistry with someone, and for that feeling not to be reciprocated,” says Vranglova. Which makes sense: Just because I get the tingles when I see Ruby Rose doesn’t mean she experiences the same sensation when she spots my author pic at the end of an article about lesbian sex.
If you’re curious whether someone you feel sexually and chemically drawn to feels the same toward you, Fleming suggests looking for hints such as sustained eye contact, shared laughter, lingering physical touch, and verbal flirts — or hey, just ask.
Yes, the best way to learn if the rush is reciprocal is to simply ask, says Jesse Kahn, L.C.S.W., C.S.T., director and sex therapist at The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in NYC. You might say, “I find myself feeling really sexually drawn to you. Are you experiencing something similar?” or, “I noticed that we both go out of the way to touch each other more than I do with my other friends. Have you noticed that, too? Are you interested in being more than friends? Or have I misread the situation?”
Is Sexual Chemistry Necessary for a Relationship?
The short answer is nope! “We can’t make generalizations like that for all relationships,” says Kahn. “There are many people for whom sex and sexual chemistry aren’t important ingredients in order to have a successful, stable, and loving relationship,” says Vranglova.
The better question is if sexual chemistry is a must for you in your relationship(s), says Kahn. And for the record: It’s totally valid if sex and sexual chemistry are important relationship components for you.
Some questions to ask yourself as you determine whether or not sexual chemistry is important for you in a relationship:
What are my priorities in my relationship(s)?
What role does partnered sex play in my life? How do I feel during, after, and before having it?
In an ideal world, how often would I be having partnered sex?
Do I need the sex I have to be with my romantic partner(s)? Can I see myself exploring an open relationship or polyamory?
What are my favorite ways to explore intimacy?
It’s important to note that while sexual chemistry is an essential ingredient in a relationship for some, unless a relationship is strictly sexual, sexual chemistry alone is not sufficient for a lasting, happy, and supportive relationship, says Fleming. “For a relationship to be sustainable, we usually need for it to be built on more than just sexual chemistry,” she says. (You’ll need things like communication, trust, mutual respect, and shared values, just to name a few.)
Sexual Chemistry Can Be Cultivated… to An Extent
Can sexual chemistry be erected between two people who aren’t even a little attracted to each other? Eh, probably not. But because we’re defining sexual chemistry as a feeling of attraction for someone that can be either instant or cultivated over time, it is possible to foster more sexual chemistry. Here’s how.
1. Be emotionally vulnerable.
“Self-disclosure can enhance physical attraction,” says Fleming. Sharing #deep info with your partner about your childhood, career aspirations, insecurities, and inner-most thoughts can promote a feeling of closeness that can foster greater intimacy — especially when the other person reciprocates, she says.
2. Let yourself fall in love.
Can you fall in love with someone with whom the sexual chemistry is just “meh” with? Actually, yes. “There’s a belief that first comes good sex, then comes good love, but that doesn’t have to be the order of things,” says Fleming.
3. Communicate, communicate, communicate.
Specifically, about sex! If there’s one thing that’s guaranteed to make sex better, it’s talking about it. Throughout sexual play invite your partner to share their preferences, and unabashedly share yours. You might say:
“Ooh it feels so good when you [X]. Can you keep doing that?”
“Keep doing that!!”
“I’m not feeling ready for penetration yet, can we start with a little 69-ing?”
“I love the way it felt when you tasted me while teasing my ass last time… are you up for doing that again?”
The takeaway? You can’t force sexual chemistry, especially if the other person isn’t into it. But before you write off a new app match, potential suitor, or friend because “the sexual chemistry just isn’t there,” give it a sec — there’s more to it than instant attraction, and the way it can build just might surprise you.
Fewer people know that some men and womenhave same-sex encounters, yet nonetheless perceive themselves as exclusively straight. And these people are not necessarily “closeted” gays, lesbians or bisexuals.
When a closeted gay or bisexual man has sex with another man, he views that sex as reflecting his secret identity. He is not open about that identity, likely because he fears discrimination. When a straight man has sex with another man, however, he views himself as straight despite his sex with men.
It involves two related but separate issues: first, why men identify as straight if they have sex with other men, and second, why straight men would have sex with other men in the first place.
Skirting around cheating
As part of my research, I spoke with 60 straight men who have sex with other men, and specifically looked at men in rural areas and small towns. The majority of men I interviewed were primarily attracted to women, not men. So why would they have sex with other men?
My findings revealed several reasons as to why straight men have sex with other men. Several men explained that their marriages did not have as much sex as they wanted, and while they wanted to remain married, they also wanted to have more sex. Extramarital sex with men, to them, helped relieve their sexual needs without threatening their marriages.
Tom, a 59-year-old from Washington, explained: “I kind of think of it as, I’m married to a nun.” He continued: “For me, being romantic and emotional is more cheating than just having sex.” And Ryan, a 60-year-old from Illinois, felt similarly. He said: “Even when I have an encounter now, I’m not cheating on her. I wouldn’t give up her for that.”
These men felt as though extramarital sex with women would negatively affect their marriages, whereas extramarital sex with men was not as much of an issue. Most men had not told their wives about their extramarital sex, however.
Straight men who have sex with other men are not necessarily closeted, because they do genuinely see themselves as heterosexual.
Identities reflect sexual, nonsexual aspects of life
In order to answer why men would identify as straight despite having sex with other men, it’s important to know that sexual identities indicate how people perceive the sexual and nonsexual aspects of their lives. Connor, a 43-year-old from Oregon, noted:
“I think there’s a definite disconnect between gay and homosexual. There’s the homosexual community, which isn’t a community, there’s the homosexual proclivity, and then the gay community. It’s like you can be an athlete without being a jock. And you can be homosexual without being gay, or into all of it. It just becomes so politically charged now.”
The men I talked to identified as straight because they felt that this identity best reflected their romantic relationships with women, their connections to heterosexual communities or the way they understood their masculinity. Straight identification also, of course, meant that they avoided discrimination. They felt that sex with men was irrelevant to their identities given every other part of their lives.
Living in small towns and in more rural settings also shaped how the men perceived themselves. Larry, 37, from Wyoming explained: “I would say straight because that best suits our cultural norms around here.” Most of the men I talked to were happy with their lives and identities, and they did not want to identify as gay or bisexual — not when people asked them, and not to themselves.
It may come as a surprise, but internalized homophobia was not a major reason the men I spoke to identified as straight. Most supported equal legal rights for lesbians, gays and bisexuals. Other research also shows that, on average, straight men who have sex with men are not any more homophobic than other straight men. Additionally, while most men knew bisexual is a valid identity, they felt that bisexual did not describe their identity because they were only romantically interested in women.
Many factors beyond sexual attractions or behaviours shape sexual identification, including social contexts, romantic relationships and beliefs about masculinity and femininity, among others. Straight men who have sex with other men are not necessarily closeted, because they do genuinely see themselves as heterosexual.
Sexual encounters with men simply do not affect how they perceive their identity.
Sexual relationships are changing, and sex podcasts are breaking the mould. Here’s a quintet we like
By Nenseh Koneh
I still remember my sex ed class in high school. Every other week, my teacher would have us read from sexual health books that had last been signed out by students two decades prior. With graphic pictures of STIs surrounded by penis graffiti on the corner of each page, the books only showed the negatives aspects of sex, and touted abstinence as the best option.
Ten years on, things have, mercifully, changed. Whilst my sex education included dressing a banana with a condom, some organizations are now helping sex talk in the classroom to be geared towards consent culture, rather than merely “no means no”. But when it comes to pleasure, conversation has remained traditional. Despite the fact that roughly 75% of women cannot achieve orgasm through penetrative sex, and that many men enjoy prostate stimulation, for example, the media is still rife with how to guides that are completely focused on penis and vaginal penetration.
Fortunately, sex podcasts, in talking about real-life sex issues, are breaking the mould. From hearing Black queer femmes talk about navigating the world of sex to unfiltered stories about threesomes, cam girls and swingers, these are some of the best sex podcasts to look out for in 2021.
Inner Hoe Uprising is a podcast by a rotating group of four twentysomething Black queer people living in New York that is dedicated to sex, love and dating in different parts of the US. They talk about plenty of sex, but also how the Black experience varies from person to person. For example, one of their most recent guests talked about moving to Tucson, Arizona, and how he faced challenges in his personal life due to being in a predominantly white town.
There is also a current affairs segment called Fuck That, which brings awareness to issues pertaining to sex, love, gender and race, among others. Some of the most recent topics covered include the trans bills passed in Florida banning trans athletes, and the self-proclaimed “sexual addict” shooter involved in the Atlanta spa shootings.
Love talking about sex but hate not having anyone to talk to about it? Better In Bed is a fun and informative podcast hosted by Sara Tang, a sex coach and educator. The podcast (and Tang’s career in general) was inspired by bad sexual education in school, and seeks to act as a corrective.
Tang talks about sexting, toys, BDSM and orgasmic meditations (which allows an orgasm by slowing down and becoming mindful of yourself, rather than rushing and over-focusing). Having trouble imagining it? Well, no worries – in one episode, Tang, with the help of YOLO coach Ying Han Cheng, demonstrates an orgasmic meditation live by performing actions on her clitoris. The practice is meant to be a calm and relaxing experience that channels your own pleasure, possibly changing your entire perspective on orgasms.
Along with a rotating guest list of other sex educators and friends, the show mixes personal experiences in with tips. Even if you think your sex life is satisfactory now, Tang’s podcast, which is well researched and full of surprises in every episode – will help you have more fun.
If you love sex, culture and travel, this podcast will be right up your alley. Sex with Strangers is a traveling sex podcast hosted by Chris Sowa, who travels the world to talk to new “strangers” about sex in every episode. From a trans cam girl who grew up in a conservative US town to an Australian couple that has had threesomes with at least 22 women, no topic is off limits.
Sowa uses the cross-cultural element of his work to analyse what is on offer for the sexually curious in different places, from Icelanders joining in their country’s hook-up and BDSM culture, to the rope bondage and love hotels on offer in Japan.
Due to the pandemic, Sowa’s travel is currently limited, but he is still able to call in his international guests.
Ever wanted to learn about swinger relationships, or secretly desired to be in one? We Gotta Thing, hosted by a married couple going by the names Mr and Mrs Jones, may help you break the ice on the topic. With 37 years of marriage under their belt, the couple talks about every aspect of their lifestyle, all while drinking cocktails. The couple shows us that more goes into “swinging” than people may perceive, including how to reject a couple you have no sexual desires for, how to address consent in a situation defined by blurred lines, or how to budget your newfound swinger sex lifestyle.
Although this podcast has been around for quite some time – since 2017 – it was revolutionary for its time, and still is. Who else to look towards for advice about sex and relationships other than a psychotherapist?
In Where Should We Begin, Perel invites listeners to a therapy session between her and a new couple every episode, delving into some of the most taboo topics in relationships, and coming up with inventive ways to spice things up in the bedroom.
Perel, a therapist known for her motto of “fixing the sex first”, broaches topics with couples who have serially cheated on each other, trying to find the perfect balance of effort in an international long-distance relationship, and even a wife having sex with other women after years of frustration in her marriage and sex life. Perel does not hold back with her questions as she wants the couples to benefit from her services as much as possible.
The 50-minute podcast is well edited, with plenty of soundbites from the session and Perel’s additional take in between. She also offers guided questions for each episode that may make you play devil’s advocate and spike interest in something you might not have previously considered.
Sexual health is important for every adult — Here are tips for starting the conversation
By Sara Thompson
Sexual health is important for any adult’s well-being, but patients with cancer face a new set of challenges when it comes to sexuality.Laila S. Agrawal, M.D., breast cancer oncologist with Norton Cancer Institute, is spearheading efforts to develop a sexual health clinic at Norton Healthcare.
“The World Health Organization says that sexual health is fundamental to the overall health and well-being of individuals, couples and families, and that this is relevant throughout the individual’s lifespan, not only in reproductive years,” she said.
Cancer’s effects on sexual health
“When we are thinking about sexual health and sexual dysfunction, we look at the big picture,” Dr. Agrawal said. “So many domains affect the body’s sexual function. From hormonal changes, loss of sensation and mastectomies, to changes in body image and low libido, cancer patients face myriad symptoms and experiences.”
Sexual health is the third most common concern for cancer survivors, and issues are associated with poor quality of life and mood disorders. Yet, many doctors are reluctant to bring up the subject, or the cancer diagnosis takes precedence over every other aspect of the patient’s life.
“Sexual health issues caused by cancer and treatments do not magically disappear on their own,” Dr. Agrawal said. “The more I talked to my patients about this, the more I learned. This is a medical issue we need to address.”
How to talk to your doctor
Ask about sexual health and acknowledge its importance.
Despite being such a prevalent and important issue, it often is not discussed with physicians.
In a 2020 survey of over 400 cancer patients (most of them female), 87% of patients said cancer treatment impacted sexual function and/or desire, including pain with sex, body image distortion and the inability to achieve orgasm. Only 28% had been asked by a medical provider about sexual health, and female patients were less likely to be asked than male patients.
It’s normal to feel anxious about bringing up sex, sexual health and sexual function with your medical team. Your health care professionals care about you and your quality of life. They can help you or refer you to another professional who can.
Here are some ways to talk to your doctor about sexual health:
Prepare a statement for your doctor before your visit. It could be, “I have concerns about my sexual health,” or “I have symptoms I’d like to talk about.”
Be specific. For example, you can mention your level of interest in sex, or say if you have vaginal dryness or pain with sex.
Use resources. Magazine articles, stories from friends with similar issues or other related items can get the conversation going.
Self-reporting checklists
A number of checklists have been developed for use in cancer clinics. You can use these to self-assess and begin a conversation with your doctor. These are short surveys, typically beginning with a general question such as “Are you satisfied with your sexual function?”
What you can do right now
If you are having any sort of sexual issues related to your health conditions or treatments, make an appointment with your doctor. Use the tips above to start the conversation.
Communication is key, not just with your doctor, but your partner as well. Ask for what you need and share your feelings. Your partner may not be aware of changes you are experiencing.
Get creative with intimacy. Sex isn’t the only way to be close. Explore new ways to create intimacy with your partner.
“What is mindful sex and how do I do it?” – Looking For Contentment
Hi, Looking For Contentment. Great question – your sex life is probably about to go from good to stunning with a question like that. I’m quite happy for you. Derived from Eastern traditions, mindful sex has gained widespread attention in the West in recent years, and for good reason – it’s pretty incredible.
If you’ve tried mindfulness in your daily life and experienced any of the benefits it offers, you are about to experience a similar revolution in your sex life. Before I go into what mindful sex is, let me educate you on what mindful sex is not. Chances are you might have experienced any one – or all – of these phenomena.
Performance anxiety is a big one, and maybe the biggest culprit of sex that is not mindful. If you notice yourself ruminating over things like pleasuring your partner in the ‘right’ way, looking sexy to your partner, whether your body looks good from a certain angle, whether the face you’re making is ‘too much’ or if you’re acting too sexual or not sexual enough, you might be suffering from performance anxiety, and/or it’s lesser-known sister, spectatoring. These involve anxiety over how you act or look in a sexual experience.
You might also find that during sex you have a goal-oriented mentality like actively working toward achieving an orgasm, having your partner achieve an orgasm, or doing certain acts that you think are obligatory during sex. Further to the last point, if you are having sex by deliberately following a certain structure such as kissing then foreplay then penetrative sex, you also might not be having mindful sex.
If you find yourself becoming distracted by your thoughts, like wondering about the errands you need to run tomorrow or using sexual fantasies to help you achieve arousal, these also digress from mindful sex. The latter is absolutely healthy to do, it just doesn’t fit the criteria of ‘mindful’ sex.
Another phenomenon that falls outside this criterion is a form of dissociation called depersonalisation. This is when a person can’t feel their body or connect with their sexual identity and might occur in people with a history of sexual trauma. Although this is not mindful sex, just like the others, overcoming disassociation is best worked through with a trained sex therapist, sexological bodyworker or psychosomatic counsellor, as engaging in mindful sex can be more challenging for people with this condition, compared to the others I described earlier.
So now that you know what mindful sex is not, let’s get into the fun stuff – what mindful sex is! Mindful sex involves being vulnerable, surrendering to the present moment and letting any distracting thoughts simply come and go during a sexual experience. Any preconceived ideas of what sex should look like, how long it should go for or what sexual acts or events need to occur, can all say bah-bye.
It involves being physically, psychologically and emotionally cognisant when you’re having sex. That is, bringing 100 per cent of your awareness to how and what you are feeling during the experience, and the emotional and sexual connection you are forming with your sexual partner (sexual partner being a one-night stand, casual fling or long-term partner).
In psychological terms, your conscious mind is called a limited capacity system because you can only process a certain amount of information at any given time. Imagine your mind is like a bubble, when you are filling it up with your anxious, distracted or goal-oriented thoughts, you leave less space to consciously process the stimulation and pleasure. What mindful sex does is push those thoughts out and utilise the whole bubble by only processing information that is relevant to your pursuit of pleasure, connection and arousal.
This means you start psychologically experiencing deeper layers of sex that you might not have had the capacity for before. This can lead you on a really incredible journey of pleasure and change how you actually physically have sex too. For example, when you truly tap into your pleasure, maybe you actually don’t want to follow that cookie-cutter mould of sex I mentioned before. Sex that is mindful might start to look completely different to the sex you were having before.
So why is it worth doing? Well, you can experience a range of benefits including deeper intimacy and connection with your partner, a deeper understanding of and connection to your own sexuality, boosted self-esteem and body image, less performance anxiety, more connectedness and awareness of your body, heightened pleasure, more pleasure literacy, and easier and better orgasms.
Not to mention, if you use your mindfulness skills learnt during sex in everyday life, you could start to experience positive changes in your mental health more generally. There really isn’t enough space in this article to list every benefit but take my word for it – mindfulness will do you well.
So now that I’ve gone total sales pitch on you with mindfulness, you probably want to know how it’s done. There are no defined steps, obviously, but if you try any of the following techniques you’ll be well on your way. Also remember, with the exception of partner-related tips, any of these can be used during solo sex (i.e. masturbation).
Try to set up your environment in a way that makes you feel sensual, relaxed and safe. This might include a clean and tidy room, dim lighting, soft music, and a nice scent. You’d be surprised how much it can impact you on an unconscious level.
You should also try to remove any preconceived ideas of what sex should look like. This might be hard to do completely (we internalise a lot on an unconscious level), but if you find yourself thinking things like ‘I should probably do x now’ or Have I been doing x for too long?’, push those thoughts away and return to what you are feeling.
On top of this, instead of trying to achieve an orgasm, focus on experiencing pleasure. Many people who struggle to orgasm do so because they are too focused on it. Move away from the orgasm goal and get comfortable with just being.
You should also let thoughts come and go by gently pushing them away when they appear. Try mindfulness techniques like The Five Senses exercise, focusing on your breath, deep breathing or imagining your thoughts disappearing on a moving cloud.
You can also be mindful by pursuing your own pleasure at the start of the experience, instead of putting your partner first. This can kick start that gorgeous dance of reciprocal arousal that two people achieve when one person becomes aroused because the other person is aroused, which then keeps repeating and can create a really beautiful cycle of shared pleasure.
Other steps to try are synchronised deep breathing and eye gazing with your partner. These will be great for creating trust, intimacy and a deeper sexual connection with the person you share these with.
I’m trying my best to stay realistic here, but mindful sex is truly your ticket to wildly pleasurable and mind-blowing sex. If you haven’t tried it, I suggest giving it a go. Whether you are exploring solo or having sex casually or with a committed partner, mindful sex will reshape your whole understanding of pleasure and satisfaction. Trust me, you need to try it.
Some people are taking their friendships to the next level by saying “I do” to marriages without sex.
By Danielle Braff
First came blood brothers, best friends who would solidify their bond by cutting themselves and swapping a bit of blood. Then came the tiny house besties, friends moving into adjoining tiny homes. (“Bestie Row” in Texas, for example.)
Today some people are taking their friendships a giant step further: They are platonically marrying each other, vowing to never leave each other’s side for better or for worse.
On Nov. 14, 2020 at Greenwood Hall in East Islip, N.Y., Jay Guercio and Krystle Purificato donned wedding gowns, walked down the aisle, exchanged rings and shared their first and only kiss. Ms. Purificato is in the process of changing her last name to Guercio.
“I want her to continue to be my best friend and my life partner,” said Ms. Guercio, a 23-year-old student studying professional communications at Farmingdale State College.
The besties, both queer and open to dating anyone but each other, met in 2011, and decided to get married in September. They sleep in the same bed but their relationship remains platonic.
Ms. Guercio and Ms. Purificato wanted to get married because they wanted to be legally and socially recognized as a family.
Sign Up for Love Letter: Your weekly dose of real stories that examine the highs, lows and woes of relationships. This newsletter will include the best of Modern Love, weddings and love in the news.
“We wanted the world to know we are each other’s go-to person in the world, and to be able to handle legal matters with the other appropriately,” Ms. Guercio said. “We are a couple, a unit and partners for life.”
Ms. Guercio said their marriage is stable, it’s long-lasting and it has no conditions.
There are no statistics about the number of platonic, best-friend marriages, and many people who are in them aren’t open about their situation. But chat boards on Reddit and within smaller asexual and aromantic communities have popped up recently, suggesting this could be a larger portion of the marriage population than numbers portray. (Asexual is defined as having no sexual feelings or desires; aromantic means having no desire for a romantic relationship. Hetero-monogamous is a sexual relationship between a man and a woman.)
“It should be acknowledged that we’ve really normalized heterosexual monogamous romantic relationships to the point of stigmatizing other kinds of relationships,” said Nick Bognar, a marriage and family therapist in Pasadena, Calif. “All of this is to say, I think this probably happens a lot, but people don’t talk about it much because their relationships are invalidated by others when they’re seen as not being part of the norm.”
Historically, marriage was an economic proposition, but it has shifted over time to a choice representing an all-consuming relationship, said Indigo Stray Conger, a sex and relationship therapist in Denver. Under this framework, couples expect each other to fulfill all their needs: social, psychological and economic.
“Platonic marriages raise an interesting question related to what elements are most important in a marriage, and what needs partners theoretically must meet for marriages to be successful,” said Jess Carbino, a relationship expert who lives in Los Angeles and is a former sociologist for the dating apps Tinder and Bumble.
Kim Reiter, 40, never considered marrying a best friend, though she considers herself to be nonbinary, aromantic and bisexual. Ms. Reiter, who lives in Dortmund, Germany, and is unemployed, tried OkCupid in 2013 and found her husband, who is aromantic and asexual.
They quickly became platonic best friends and married in 2018.
“Our daily life is that of best friends: We talk and laugh a lot, watch movies, but there is almost no physical element in it,” Ms. Reiter said. “Sometimes we hug or give massages to each other, and every night we have our good-night kiss, but we have separate bedrooms. We are the most important people in each other’s lives.”
Kema Barton and Dene Brown, of Columbus, Ohio, are both pansexual and have a similar platonic marriage. (Pansexual is defined as sexual, romantic, or emotional attraction toward people regardless of their sex or gender identity.) They have been best friends for seven years, and each has two children from previous relationships. In October 2020, just before Ms. Brown had her second child, the friends decided to get married and make all their life decisions together.
They decided to make it official because they wanted to build a family together, to raise their children together and to make all their major choices as a unit.
They’re in the process of buying a house and getting a joint bank account. Their children consider each other brother and sister, and they call each woman Mom.
“We’re committed to investing in one another so we can both be successful, and ultimately, we love each other so much,” said Ms. Brown, 30, a disabled Navy veteran. “In every way that you’d look at a husband or a marriage in terms of interpersonal connections and intimacy, it’s there.”
Ms. Brown and Ms. Barton have never been intimate with each other, and they both have given each other the freedom to date outside their marriage.
Kimberly Perlin, a psychotherapist in Towson, Md., said that couples in this type of arrangement often find compatibility and understand each other well, while also agreeing to the guidelines without being blinded by romantic feeling. Many of these relationships, she said, begin because the couple wants their family life separate from their romantic lives, as they don’t find their romantic lives to be stable.
Others may be disenchanted with love, and feel that longstanding friendships with a history of resolving conflict may feel like a safer bet.
“If both partners have clear understandings of what is expected, flexibility and communication skills to address conflicts that come up, do not wish to marry a romantic partner and are fine with going against the norms, then who are any of us to say it won’t work?” Ms. Perlin said.
Platonic marriages have been prevalent since marriage became an institution, while marrying for love is more of an oddity in human history, Ms. Conger said.
In the United States, where marriage is incentivized with tax breaks and other couple privileges, getting married to someone with whom you are not romantically attached affords multiple benefits, she said. “A platonic marriage is more than a passing year with a roommate who has different ideas about kitchen cleanliness,” Ms. Conger said. “A platonic marriage is a deep bond and lifelong commitment to a nesting partner you build a shared life with.”
Jullep Teah, 24, a call center representative in San Antonio, Texas, said she feels this way about her future wife, Ashley Roberts, 25, a direct support professional for the state of Texas. Ms. Teah, who is demisexual, plans to marry Ms. Roberts, who has been her best friend since the sixth grade. (Demisexual is defined as only being sexually attracted to someone with whom you have an emotional bond.) They already make all their financial decisions together. They have moved across the country twice together and are currently buying a home together. They share two dogs, and they’re not sure if they want children, but they may adopt in the future.
Ms. Teah said she has social anxiety, which makes it difficult for her to know anyone intimately — and she isn’t interested in romantic relationships. She said there’s more to marriage beyond sex and romance. Her emotional needs are fulfilled and she can’t imagine life without Ms. Roberts by her side.
“Meeting people is hard, getting a bond and romantic feelings is hard, and more and more young people are starting to realize that there are other benefits to marriage other than romantic love: I mean, isn’t the point to marry your best friend?” Ms. Teah said. “So why can’t it be your literal best friend?”
These behaviors don’t just hurt you in the moment. They can destroy your sense of safety, diminish self-confidence and self-worth, and make it difficult to trust anyone else.
Once you end the relationship, loved ones might try to offer encouragement by reminding you that once you heal, you’ll find someone better, someone kind and safe and caring.
Yet despite their reassurances, you might feel unable to escape reminders of the relationship that remain ever-present in your thoughts. There’s a good reason for that: Trauma isn’t something you can easily shake off and walk away from.
Here’s what to know about relationship-based post-traumatic stress, or post-traumatic relationship syndrome.
You probably know it’s possible to develop lingering symptoms of fear and distress after a single traumatic event. When flashbacks, avoidance, and other symptoms persist after the trauma has ended, mental health professionals may diagnose PTSD.
An abusive relationship is trauma of a different kind. Leaving the relationship can put a stop to repeated emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, but it may not necessarily free you from their effects.
In an effort to better recognize and address this specific type of trauma, experts have introduced the concept of post-traumatic relationship syndrome (PTRS).
People who experience physical, sexual, or emotional abuse in an intimate relationship may have a very different response to trauma than people who experience other traumatic events.
Instead of blocking out and avoiding your memories of the abuse or numbing yourself to them, you might continue to revisit them, experiencing them again and again.
The pain of this retraumatization can get in the way of healing, moving forward, and eventually building safe, healthy relationships with future partners.
Traumatic stress after an abusive relationship can look a little different from typical PTSD.
People living with PTSD often shift between two different states. Flashbacks, memories, and intrusive thoughts bring the trauma into your conscious awareness, returning you to a state of crisis. In response, you begin avoiding everything to do with the traumatic event, generally in order to avoid triggering those memories.
PTRS doesn’t involve the same avoidance that characterizes PTSD.
With PTRS, you may find yourself unable to avoid memories or reminders of the traumatic relationship, and you remain fully aware of what happened. Since you can’t numb yourself to the distress, you might cope by trying to manage your emotional response instead.
Maybe you talk or journal about what happened. Or, you try to replay and reframe the situation, but your efforts leave you doubting yourself. You may even attempt to navigate loneliness (and replace those painful memories) by seeking out a new partner right away.
These emotion-focused coping strategies are great ways to deal with some types of distress, but they don’t always promote healing in the immediate aftermath of abuse.
They might instead keep the trauma overwhelmingly fresh in your thoughts, making it even harder to find relief.
PTRS differs from PTSD in a few other key ways:
A diagnosis of PTSD involves experiencing or witnessing a threat of physical harm, including injury or death. You can experience PTRS without ever facing physical harm.
PTSD diagnostic criteria don’t list any specific symptoms for people who experience relationship trauma, while symptoms of PTRS center around relationship trauma and its long-term effects.
Key symptoms of PTRS include rage, horror, and fear toward the abusive partner. With PTSD, you might experience anger or rage, but this isn’t a key symptom for everyone.
While many experts consider PTRS a very real response to the trauma of abuse, the condition has yet to be recognized as a formal mental health diagnosis in the new edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.
Researchers haven’t reached a complete consensus on PTRS symptoms and diagnostic criteria, but experts generally agree it includes:
an initial response of terror, horror, and rage toward the abusive partner
intrusive, arousal, and relational symptoms that began after the abuse
Intrusive symptoms
Anything that leads you to re-experience the trauma can fall into the category of intrusive symptoms.
This might include:
flashbacks, or feeling as if you’re experiencing the abuse in the present moment
fear and other emotional distress when remembering the abuse
physical sensations of anxiety, such as a pounding heart, shaking, or sweating palms, when remembering the abuse
You might experience these symptoms when you see or do anything that reminds you of the relationship — going somewhere you often went together, hearing a phrase or nickname they often used for you, or even starting a new relationship.
Arousal symptoms
Reactivity or arousal symptoms stem from your body’s fear response.
With traumatic stress, your body remains in a near constant state of hyperarousal to leave you better prepared to respond to the threat of abuse.
Remaining vigilant to any possible threat can leave you constantly on edge, unable to relax or feel safe. This can make it difficult to maintain healthy routines, like eating balanced meals or getting enough sleep.
Relational symptoms
While PTSD symptoms can eventually begin to create stress in your relationships with others, certain symptoms of PTRS directly relate to your interpersonal relationships.
After experiencing relationship trauma or abuse, you might:
believe you don’t deserve a healthy relationship
feel unconsciously drawn to unhealthy dynamics and end up in another abusive relationship
have a hard time trusting loved ones and new romantic partners
feel anxious and insecure in new relationships
believe loved ones blame you for what happened
lack support from loved ones who don’t know or understand what happened
isolate yourself in response to feelings of shame or self-blame
lose interest in sex or feel unable to have sex
Research specifically focusing on PTRS remains in the early stages, so experts have yet to outline any distinct types or subtypes.
Keep in mind, though, that people experience and respond to trauma in different ways. Two people with PTRS may not necessarily have the exact same symptoms, and some people might face more severe symptoms than others.
It’s also important to recognize that PTRS only describes one specific type of relationship trauma.
Survivors of abusive relationships can still experience PTSD or complex PTSD (CPTSD). The symptoms involved will just be slightly different.
If you attempt to avoid or block out memories of the abusive relationship, struggle to remember details, or feel detached, you could have PTSD.
CPTSD, a response to ongoing trauma, involves symptoms of PTSD along with other experiences, including:
extreme negative feelings toward yourself, such as shame, guilt, or self-blame
An unhealthy or toxic relationship could contribute to any of these three conditions.
Working with a mental health professional can help you get more insight on key signs of trauma and begin addressing the effects of abuse in a safe environment.
The direct cause of post-traumatic relationship stress is relationship abuse, or experiencing one or more of the following in an intimate relationship:
physical abuse, including direct physical harm or threats of physical harm
More specifically, you can consider PTRS a response to the lingering fear of abuse and the potential for future abuse.
It’s absolutely possible to experience emotional distress when a partner pulls you into repeated conflict, gives you the silent treatment, or ignores you after a bad day. These behaviors can suggest a toxic dynamic, especially when they happen frequently.
Yet toxic behaviors don’t always translate to abuse, since abuse is typically about control, and they won’t necessarily lead to traumatization.
Infidelity can also lead to betrayal trauma, a recognized type of relationship distress with symptoms that can resemble post-traumatic stress. But again, though infidelity can cause lasting pain, cheating alone doesn’t constitute abuse.
Healing and recovering from trauma on your own can be a pretty challenging task.
It can feel frightening to consider opening up to someone else about experiencing abuse, but a compassionate therapist can offer guidance and support as you work to heal.
Therapy can help you:
overcome feelings of self-blame and guilt
understand the abuse wasn’t your fault
process feelings of anger and fear
address related mental health symptoms, including anxiety or depression
work through lingering insecurity and trust issues
work to develop a healthy support system
When trauma feels so overwhelming that you can’t escape, as is often the case with PTRS, you might struggle to break down what happened into manageable parts you can actually process.
In therapy, however, you can learn important desensitization techniques that make it easier to navigate the trauma while remaining in control. Desensitization doesn’t make your feelings go away, but it can help you learn to manage them in safe and productive ways.
A strong support network can also go a long way toward helping you recover from the effects of abuse, so connecting with trusted loved ones can make a big difference.
Friends and family can offer a sense of safety and help reinforce your sense of self.
When fear and distrust make it difficult to trust others, it becomes even more important to reach out to a therapist for support. Some people also find it helpful to join a support group and connect with other survivors of relationship abuse.
Emotion-focused coping techniques like meditation, journaling, and art can help you manage your emotional response to situations you can’t control. These techniques can still have benefit for managing PTRS symptoms, but experts consider desensitization a key component of recovery.
If you notice signs of PTRS, or any other traumatic stress, in your romantic partner, it’s generally best to encourage them to reach out for professional support.
No matter how kind, compassionate, and loving you are, a healthy relationship alone generally can’t heal the lingering effects of abuse. You can’t save your partner from what they experienced or take their pain away.
That said, your patience and understanding can have a positive impact on both their recovery and the outcome of your relationship.
Tips to keep in mind
Give them space. They may have widely varying needs as they work toward healing. On some days they don’t want to leave your side, while on others you feel as if they’re pushing you away.
Talk about it. Good communication can always strengthen a relationship. Just know they may not always be able to clearly explain what they’re feeling.
Respect their boundaries. This involves learning about potential triggers and avoiding those behaviors. If hugging them when you wake up in the middle of the night reminds them of their ex, for example, you’ll want to avoid doing that.
Offer validation. If they put themselves down or take on the blame for the abuse, you can offer support through gentle reminders that they weren’t at fault.
Consider working with a relationship counselor. While individual therapy can help your partner, a couples therapist trained to help couples navigate relationship trauma can offer more specialized support.
Most adults identify themselves as heterosexual, meaning they report being attracted to, and engaging in sex with, only members of the other sex. However, women ages 18 to 29 are increasingly rejecting exclusive heterosexuality and describing their sexual orientation in other ways. These changes in women’s sexuality are not mirrored by their male peers.
That’s the primary finding in our most recent report on nine years of surveys at the Binghamton Human Sexualities Research Lab, just published in “Sexuality in Emerging Adulthood.” Together with our Binghamton University colleagues Richard E. Mattson, Melissa Hardesty, Ann Merriwether and Maggie M. Parker, we conclude that changes in young adults’ sexual orientation are not just as a result of increased social acceptance of LGBT people – but also are related to feminism and the women’s movement.
But our study goes beyond those poll results, showing that young American adults are shifting away from heterosexuality not just in how they identify themselves when asked about their identities, but also how they describe whom they are attracted to and with whom they have sex. That indicates something more is happening than an increasing willingness to “come out” and identify as LGBT.
The fact that these differences are larger among women than men indicates, we believe, that feminism and the women’s movement have, in fact, begun to change female sex and gender roles.
Compulsory heterosexuality
In the early 1980s, lesbian feminist Adrienne Rich argued that what she called “compulsory heterosexuality” was the primary cause of gender inequality. She said that because social pressures and threats of violence – as well as actual violence – force heterosexuality on women, that made women dependent on and subservient to men in all areas of life, including gender roles and sexual expression.
Our research indicates that one outcome of more than a century of feminist activism and progress may be women’s increasing resistance to compulsory heterosexuality and its consequences. As a result, more women under 30 are moving away from exclusive heterosexuality than men in the same age group.
In a related development, we found that women in this age group are also reporting more open attitudes toward sex than previous generations of women. They are separating sex from traditional love relationships, describing themselves as enjoying casual sex with different partners and more likely to have sex with a person before being sure the relationship would become serious or long term. These attitudes are more akin to those of their male peers.
The shift is more pronounced among women who are moving away from exclusive heterosexuality, and less obvious among women who report they are exclusively heterosexual.
There’s much more to learn
We still have a lot of questions about these trends. We wonder how they affect the ways that these young adults engage in sex and relationships. We also don’t know how women who identify themselves as not exclusively heterosexual negotiate and navigate sexual relationships with men – or whether these trends will continue as they age.
We are also interested in why men in this age group are less likely than women to reject exclusive heterosexuality – but are more likely to report exclusive homosexuality. And we’d like to know whether, or at what point, those who are not exclusively heterosexual might come out to family and friends – and if they deal with things like anti-LGBT prejudice.
As human sexuality becomes increasingly diverse, it remains unclear whether the political and social landscape will affirm these changes or threaten those who are expressing that diversity. We are hopeful that the continued success of the LGBT and feminist movements will push society toward an affirming future.
The pandemic has taken a major toll on our sex lives. Why are our intimate relationships flagging – and could the damage be long lasting?
By Jessica Klein
Before the pandemic, many couples lived like “two ships passing in the night”, says Houston, Texas-based sex therapist Emily Jamea. Previously overscheduled with out-of-home commitments, some partners found that pandemic-related lockdowns offered a much-needed respite. Being stuck at home let them slow down and take more time for intimate moments together – at first.
“Initially, the pandemic gave people the opportunity to… reconnect in a way that maybe previously they were only able to do on vacation,” says Jamea. As the pandemic wore on, however, it began to “take its toll” on intimate relationships, she says. “For the majority of couples, sexual desire kind of took a nosedive.”
Studies from around the world tell a similar story. Research conducted in Turkey, Italy, India and the US in 2020 all points to the decline in sex with partners as well as solo acts, directly attributed to lockdown. “I think a big part of the reason for that is because so many people were just too stressed out,” says Justin Lehmiller, social psychologist and research fellow at The Kinsey Institute, which conducted the US-based study.
For most, pandemic-induced lockdowns created an atmosphere of uncertainty and fear. Many experienced unprecedented health-related anxiety, financial insecurity and other significant life changes. Stress caused by these factors – not to mention the problems that arise from spending too much time with another person in a cramped, indoor space – contributed to the notable decline in partnered people’s sex lives.
In ways, the Covid-19 world has proven toxic for sexuality – so will we be able to snap back into our sexual selves after pandemic stress dissipates, or have our relationships suffered long-lasting damage?
A decline in desire
As Jamea observed, many couples did enjoy a short boost in their sex lives at the beginning of lockdowns. Rhonda Balzarini, a social psychologist and assistant professor at Texas State University, US, describes this initial spike in sexual desire as a “honeymoon” phase, when people react more constructively to stress.
“During this phase, people tend to work together. It might be when you’re going to your neighbour’s house and giving them toilet paper on the doorstep when they need it,” says Balzarini. “But then over time, as resources become more scarce, people become more stressed and the energy wears off, disillusionment and depression tend to set in. When that starts to happen is when we might be starting to see couples get in trouble.”
Balzarini observed this pattern across participants, aged 18 and older, from 57 countries in a study she and colleagues conducted during the pandemic. At the pandemic’s onset, Balzarini and colleagues saw factors such as financial concern associated with higher sexual desire between partners. However, over time, as people reported increased pandemic-related stressors, including loneliness, general stress and Covid-19-specific worries, they also reported decreased sexual desire for their partners.
The big takeaway in this study, according to Balzarini, is the link among stress, depression and sexual desire. At the start of the pandemic, stressors might not have been “triggering depression” yet, she explains. But when those stressors became prolonged, people grew exhausted. Stress correlated with depression, and “depression negatively affects sexual desire”, she says.
In addition to the everyday stressors brought on by the pandemic, the larger threat of the virus loomed, as death and hospitalisation rates increased across the globe. This ever-present danger certainly helped kill the mood for couples.
“You’ll hear sex therapists say something along the lines of, ‘Two zebras won’t mate in front of a lion’,” says Jamea. “If there’s a massive threat right there, that sends a signal to our bodies that now’s probably not a good time to have sex.” For that reason, “heightened stress leads to low desire or difficulty with arousal”, she says.
The multiple stressors of the pandemic have diminished partners’ desire to have sex
Too much togetherness
While Balzarini heard about couples taking daytime showers or mid-afternoon swims together at the start of the pandemic, those sexier-than-normal experiences eventually “lost their allure”, she says. They gave way to mounting daily demands, like messier homes, and couples started to nit-pick each other.
Lehmiller describes this as the “overexposure effect”,which provides opportunities for “little habits your partner has to start to get on your nerves”. (Balzarini recalls someone telling her they never realised how loudly their partner chewed until they started eating every single meal together during lockdown.)
This increased time together can also seriously dampen sexual excitement. “One of the keys to maintaining desire in a long-term relationship is having some sense of mystery about your partner and some distance,” says Lehmiller. “When you see each other all the time… the sense of mystery goes away.”
Separated from their pre-pandemic social and professional lives, people can also begin to lose their sense of self, which can affect sexual confidence and performance. Women especially have had to push careers to the side during the pandemic, as household chores, childcare and home-schooling demands have disproportionately fallen on them.
“That was really, really hard for a lot of women,” says Jamea. “[Careers] are such a big part of identity, and we bring everything that we are into the bedroom. If we don’t know who we are, all of a sudden, it can feel like there’s nothing to bring.”
Can we bounce back?
Sex isn’t necessarily doomed, however. Researchers at the Kinsey Institute suggested one specific behaviour to improve couples’ sex lives: shaking things up. One in five study participants tried something new in bed, and it helped revive desire and intimacy.
“People who tried new things were much more likely to report improvements,” says Lehmiller. New activities that helped improve partners’ sex lives included “trying new positions, acting on fantasies, engaging in BDSM and giving massages”, per the study.
But for those in relationships where sexual activity dwindled over the past year and has not picked back up, will there be lasting damage? It depends, say experts.
Some may not recover “because they had such a prolonged… lack of connection”, says Lehmiller. His research also showed that some people cheated on their partners for the first time ever during the pandemic – an indiscretion that can be hard for partners to recover from. Others will continue to suffer from pandemic-related job losses as well as financial stressors that loom over relationships and can cause friction.
But, for many, there’s hope. With more people getting vaccinated, businesses are reopening, and some workers are returning to the office. “People are starting to fall back into their old routine,” says Jamea. She’s seeing the positive effects of this on couples in her practice.
Any sort of return to “normalcy” is a good indicator for partners whose struggles began during the pandemic. “It’s possible that some of these couples, once the pandemic is under control… will go back to the way that things were before,” says Lehmiller. “That stressor is now removed, and their sex lives will improve.”
Can online sex fill the connection void?
About three months into lockdown in the UK, 26-year-old student Emma signed into a Zoom meeting with a group of people she’d only ever met through online chats. Organised by Killing Kittens, a company that, pre-Covid-19, hosted in-person sex parties with an emphasis on women’s empowerment, the “virtual house party” kicked off with drinking games. It was unlike anything she’d ever attended.
“We played ‘Never Have I Ever’,” she says, “and [the organisers] asked us questions like, ‘Which celebrity would you most like to see at a Killing Kittens party?’.” It got attendees talking about their fantasies and preferences – a smooth segue into the less structured part of the evening, during which some participants “removed clothing”, says Emma. “It was just a really good, quite sexy interaction with other people.”
It was the kind of connection Emma had been craving. With her one housemate staying with family, and having lost her job in March, Emma has spent much of the pandemic physically isolated. “There were points at which it got quite lonely,” she says.
Though she’d attended sex parties in the past, Emma had only just joined Killing Kittens in November 2019. “I was a little nervous to get properly involved,” she says, and when the pandemic hit, she worried she’d missed her chance. Instead, she joined one of Killing Kittens’s singles chat groups and started making close friends, which made her feel comfortable enough to try a virtual party on for size.
During the pandemic, social isolation has also meant sexual isolation for both individuals and couples hoping to explore physical intimacy. While recreating the tactile experience of sex online isn’t straightforward, virtual experiences – from dirty-talk Zoom workshops to sex parties like the one Emma attended – have helped fill the intimacy-shaped void felt by so many. To a certain extent, at least. For attendees and organisers, online sexual encounters can ‘mimic’ in-person experiences and offer much-need psychological relief, but there’s no direct replacement for physical touch.
As they meet new people and date, many singles have acknowledged that ‘digital intimacy’ is important during the pandemic
However, beyond just acting as a stand-in for sex during the pandemic, these virtual experiences may also be showing us what’s important in intimacy writ large – both while we’re in isolation and once we can touch each other again.
Discovering digital intimacy
Almost a year into the pandemic, many have found ways to date and form relationships online. Dating apps such as Bumble now let users indicate “virtual only” or “socially distanced” dating preferences. According to a Bumble representative, in-app video calls were up by 42% in May 2020 compared to pre-lockdown March.
But replicating a first date via video chat is a far cry from recreating sexual experiences over the web. Key elements – physical touch most prominently – don’t have a straightforward, online substitute.
Still, people are getting virtually intimate. In October, hard-seltzer company Basic surveyed 2,000 single under 35-year-olds in the US, and found that 58% had had virtual sex during the pandemic. Of those, 77% did so with someone they’d never had sex with in person. Per a Bumble survey of 5,000 UK singles, 32% said “digital intimacy” was important in a relationship “both during lockdown and when measures lifted”.
For Emma and others who’ve dabbled in online sexual encounters in the past year, things like virtual sex parties, educational Zoom workshops, remotely controlled sex toys and simply engaging in sex-positive communities have proven to be both sexually fulfilling and antidotes to physical intimacy. “There’s a big sexual gratification in being able to watch and be watched,” says Emma, who describes herself as an “exhibitionist”.
Plus, watching real couples have sex is different from watching pornography. It’s personal – and the connections Emma’s made in these sex-positive spaces are, too. She and other single attendees have formed “tight bonds”, she says, “because we’ve all shared this experience on a very similar level”.
In London, David runs the brick-and-mortar adult lifestyle club Le Boudoir. In October, when he started hosting virtual sex parties with other London lifestyle clubs such as Purple Mamba, he noticed first-time attendees behaving like they would in physical spaces. Instead of huddling in the corner, they’re initially hesitant to virtually chat with others, but “you can literally see them warm throughout the evening”, says David.
Like Killing Kittens, these events start with icebreakers and performances (i.e., erotic dancers), which help get people in the mood. The progression of the parties looks a lot like it would in real life. “That’s technology mimicking real life,” he adds.
Along with individuals, some couples are also exploring outlets for online sexual interaction
The element of safety
The online nature of these events also expands attendee demographics, so they span more locations, age ranges and experience levels.
People attend Boudoir and Purple Mamba’s events from Israel, South Korea, Australia and the US. A party that starts on Saturday evening, UK time can roll into evening on the US’s East Coast and across America. Killing Kittens’ founder and CEO Emma Sayle has also noticed virtual events attracting younger attendees – not only because they’re more online and “that’s how they communicate”, says Sayle, but also because online events remove the financial barrier to showing up at a physical party. Online Killing Kittens parties cost £20 ($27), while in-person ones can cost £350 ($480).
Emma, who doesn’t live in a major city, likes that she doesn’t have to spend money on travelling to an event in London, which would include putting up for a hotel, meals and new clothes. “As a student, that’s quite nice,” she says.
Boudoir and Purple Mamba’s virtual sex parties now attract around 150 attendees on a given Saturday. About half are first timers. Sayle sees a similar split at Killing Kittens’ events. “A lot of [attendees] are totally new people who would never have thought about [attending a sex party] before,” says Sayle. There’s a “safety element” to showing up via video chat, she adds: “You can close the screen at any point.”
That’s exactly what made UK-based couple Matt, 31, and Emily, 29, feel comfortable about going to their first-ever sex party during the pandemic, with Boudoir and Purple Mamba, online. “You’re in your own house,” says Matt. “It’s the safety of it.” Though they would have likely gone to an in-person event eventually, “it would have taken longer,” says Emily.
So far, the online events have let them explore their sexuality and relationship. Everyone’s “different styles” come through, says Matt, which creates a real, shared experience with another couple – one they didn’t think they’d want to experience before the pandemic. They’ve since changed their minds. Virtual encounters have also helped Matt and Emily put language to their desires. Because they’ve had to clearly communicate with others remotely, they’ve learned certain terms that describe their preferences.
This fits with a trend Michigan-based sexologist Megan Stubbs has observed. “I see more avenues of communication being open. People are talking more and getting more specific about their needs.” Distance necessitates this. When you’re not in the same room as your sex partner(s), you can’t rely on body language and subtle cues. But, she adds, “Just because you’re separated by distance doesn’t mean the activity you’re doing… is somehow less than if it was in person.”
‘Touch deprivation’
Still, experts and people having virtual sex agree nothing can completely substitute for physical touch. As Sayle puts it, “You can’t recreate an orgy online.”
Virtual boudoir parties have drawn groups from around the world and across different demographics
This is, in part, because of the cellular processes that take place when a person is touched. Tiffany Field, who heads the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami’s Miller School of Medicine, explains that “moderate pressure touch” stimulates pressure receptors under the skin. “That sets off a chain reaction,” she says, that slows the nervous system. “The heart rate slows down, blood pressure slows, and brainwaves change in the direction of theta, which is a relaxation state.”
Levels of cortisol, the stress hormone that kills immune cells, also decrease when we’re touched, while natural killer cells (which kill bacteria, viral and cancer cells) increase, according to Field’s research, which specifically examines massage therapy. “It’s ironic, during this time when there’s a lot of touch deprivation going on,” she says, “that we don’t have the protection of the natural killer cells killing the viral cells.”
Based on her research of “moderate pressure touch,” Field says people living alone can still help stave off touch deprivation through “self-touch”. That even includes simple activities such as stretching and walking, which stimulate pressure receptors on the bottoms of our feet. Engaging in virtual sex surely falls into that category, if participants are willing to get active.
A deeper appreciation
Of these online-sexual-experience organisers and participants, all say they’ll likely continue with virtual experiences even when it’s safe to mingle with strangers. Digital intimacy offers something unique – the ability to stay at home but still engage in a fulfilling activity, with a geographically wider array of people, for minimal or zero cost.
In-person events, though, will likely boom. “Thousands of years of history of what happens post-pandemics and post-war show that people start shagging,” says Sayle. “It’s going to happen.”
The pandemic could also have another effect – it may make us all realise how touch-deprived we were to begin with. Before Covid-19, touch expert Field and colleagues were conducting a study in which they observed how much people were touching one another at airport departure gates. People were touching, says Field, only 4% of the time. Sixty-eight percent of the time, they were on their phones. Online platforms and social media were driving us physically apart pre-pandemic. Now, they’re facilitating people being together.
“I think what Covid has done has exacerbated [touch deprivation],” says Field. “Maybe [people] are beginning to appreciate that they’re missing the touch they did have.”
Many people will experience sexual anxiety at some point in their lives. After all, feeling nervous about starting a new sexual relationship with someone is completely normal. But if feelings of sexual anxiety develop after you’ve been married and sexually active for a long time, or it has reached the point where you avoid sexual interactions altogether, then it’s worth reaching out for expert help.
While sexual anxiety may be common, you certainly don’t have to live with these feelings forever.
“Anxiety associated with sex, or sexual activity, can be experienced by people of all ages in all sorts of relationships,” says experienced therapist Dr. Katherine Hertlein. “Whenever it happens and whoever it happens with, sexual anxiety is often rooted in fear or discomfort of a sexual encounter. Sexual anxiety can be related to both your state of mind and the fear of being unable to please your partner when it comes to being intimate.”
As quickly as these feelings develop, they can often be eased, and go away altogether. Sometimes the solution may be as simple as reconnecting with your own body again by using one of the best vibrators and spending time focusing on your own sexual pleasure. This can help you to rediscover how you like to be touched, before trying to work through your sexual anxiety with a partner.
Understanding your sexual anxiety and where it’s coming from is key to overcoming it.
The causes of sexual anxiety and how to tell if you have it
There can be several causes of sexual anxiety, which can differ from person to person. “Sexual anxiety can be the result of an underlying medical condition,” says Dr. Hertlein, expert advisor at Blueheart. “It could also be down to relationship factors, power struggles, fears, mood disorders and other mental health issues. Cultural or religious factors are also often to blame for women’s sex worries.”
The most common causes of sexual anxiety include:
Body image issues
If you are self-conscious about the way you look, it could be causing you sexual anxiety and low self-esteem.
Low sexual confidence This is a feeling of inadequacy when it comes to ‘performing’ in bed. It can sometimes be caused by a previous negative experience, such as a relationship based purely on repeated fighting followed by makeup sex.
Increased amounts of stress Being too stressed for sex can be common. Stress in your daily life, from work, relationships, or general life, can cause you sexual anxiety.
Loss of sexual desire Low sex drive might be down to stress or even a side-effect of medication. But it can easily lead to a sexless marriage as both parties simply stop trying to make an effort for fear of failure.
While many people may experience one or two of these issues, such as body image concerns or daily stress at work, it doesn’t necessarily mean you have sexual anxiety. This is usually only diagnosed if you also have sexual dysfunction, which often presents itself physically.
“Feeling anxious about sex can manifest in different ways, but it’s mainly through symptoms of sexual dysfunction,” says Dr. Hertlein. “For example, those who suffer from sexual anxiety can report an inability to climax. And this may still be the case if you find your partner sexually appealing. Sometimes it can also cause complete disinterest in sex, even in happy relationships.”
If you are experiencing female sexual dysfunction, you should contact a medical professional, such as your doctor or a sex therapist, for further advice.
The good news is, there are things you can do to ease your sexual anxiety and overcome it. Dr. Hertlein shares five ways for getting a handle on your anxiety around sex.
1. GO SLOW Patience is key if you want to make your sexual anxiety a thing of the past, so you need to forget about trying to prioritize your own orgasm for now. “Try to move away from making sex a goal-oriented experience,” says Dr. Hertlein. “It’s about taking your time, enjoying each other and finding intimacy and connection. Not only will this take the pressure off yourself and your partner, but it’s also a chance to learn what you find sensual. Think of it as a blank slate. This is a chance to explore what you enjoy without the time pressure or end goal.”
2. IMPROVE YOUR LIFESTYLE Constantly rushing about during the day? It won’t be helping things at night. “Our life events can sometimes cause us to feel stressed or anxious, leaving our minds running even when we’re trying to relax,” says Dr. Hertlein. “You might experience stress or anxiety because of something that happened at work, an argument with your family, or perhaps something else. Unfortunately, we cannot always take the stress out of our lives, but you can make lifestyle changes to help with how you deal with them.”
Luckily, the best ways are the easiest to implement. “Some of my best advice is to make sure you’re getting the advised seven to eight hours sleep every night as you sleep can really affect your sex life. And make sure you’re having a healthy balanced diet, and regular exercise even if it’s just an hour of walking per day. These lifestyle changes sound simple, but they enable us to put our best selves forward to deal with whatever life throws at us – and are an easy win if you want to know how to have good sex again,” says Dr. Hertlein.
3. BE MORE MINDFUL Feelings of panic rising? “Move away from focusing on the anxiety around our body and sex,” says Dr. Hertlein. “General anxiety reducing strategies include mindfulness, breathing, and getting grounded. There are many resources, books, and apps that can help you to become more grounded and less anxious.” But make sure you stick with them. “It helps if you do them for a period of time,” adds Dr. Hertlein.
You could also try and join a program or sign up for an app that will lead through techniques to help sexual anxiety and will support your overall sexual wellbeing.
4. TALK TO YOUR PARTNER Never hide the fact that you’re feeling anxious around sex – speak up, however embarrassed you feel. “Anxiety in your relationship is likely not a comfortable thing,” says Dr. Hertlein. “But, it may be helpful to talk to your partner about your anxieties, especially if your initial reaction is to avoid sex. This will help them understand what you’re experiencing so you can work through it together. The more clarity and communication you have around the topic, the easier it will be for you to work through it together.”
5. GET PROFESSIONAL HELP “Finally, if you’re still experiencing issues with your body or sex after trying these techniques, it’s important to talk with your doctor,” says Dr. Hertlein. “It might be the result of an underlying health condition or a result of medication you’re taking.”
And don’t be scared about talking to a sex therapist on your own, or having sex therapy with your partner – both could help.
“Seek out help,” says Dr. Hertlein. “Therapy for anxiety-reduction or a therapist who specializes in sexual health and couples therapy can be a life-changing method of support. Don’t suffer in silence.”
Bisexual (aka bi) peeps are romantically or sexually interested in more than one gender. But NGL, that definition is a bit basic. The sexual spectrum is a vast, beautiful, and sometimes confusing thing.
“Our culture is so oriented to binaries, it can be easy to feel pressured to ‘pick a side’ when it comes to sexual orientation,” says Dove Pressnall, MA, LMFT. “The reality is that, across cultures, human sexual experience and identity fall along a spectrum.”
Bi folks might be interested in one gender more than the other. Or they like all genders equally. It’s also totally normal for your feelings to change over time.
Here are 16 signs that you might be a bi babe.
1. Gender doesn’t matter to you
Can a person be attracted to someone regardless of the junk they’re rocking down under? Heck yes! For bi peeps, it’s more about how you feel about a person. Their gender doesn’t always matter as much.
PSA: This doesn’t mean you’re going to be romantically or sexually interested in everyone.
2. You think TV or movie characters are hot
If you’re into Ross and Rachel… or Jim and Pam… etc. you might be attracted to multiple genders. Maybe you even noticed this when you were a kid.
Obviously, this isn’t a definitive test. But it could help you start an internal chat about what you want, what you really really want.
3. Conflicting feels
Bisexuality — or any sexuality — isn’t black-and-white. So bi feelings can be uber confusing, especially if you’ve preferred one gender your whole life.
These feelings are 100 percent normal. The confusion should get better over time once you explore your feelings and desires a bit more.
4. It doesn’t have to be 50/50
Sexuality isn’t one-size-fits-all. Everyone has their own romantic preferences and sex styles. Bi peeps are no different.
You don’t have to evenly divide your interest between all genders. You can go through periods where you’re more interested in one than another. Or you can prefer one gender romantically and another gender sexually. There’s no exact science here.
5. You question your dreams
You can analyze your dreams all day long but sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Your dreams don’t have to mean much or anything at all. But if you can’t stop thinking about a bi-tastic dream, there might be a reason.
6. You dig the label
Sometimes the label “bi” just fits. If you feel comfortable with this label it’s a good indicator that you’re bi.
When a celeb comes out as bi or queer, do you feel a sense of pride? Or maybe there’s a new bi character on your fave show and you think, “IT ME!”
While this doesn’t mean you’re bi (you could just be stoked someone is coming out as their authentic self) it could be an indicator.
8. You dig different types of porn
TBH porn may not count for much. You can find a genre of porn super hot but also might not be into it IRL. But if you’re super drawn to pornactors of any gender it might be a sign you’re down for a bi experience.
9. You can’t stop thinking about it
If you’re daydreaming about a beautiful bi love affair on the reg, it might be a sign you’re into any gender.
10. You like how it feels
Fantasizing about sex can be the bomb. But until you do the deed for realz, you might not know if you actually like it. Plus, everyone is different. Maybe you just didn’t vibe with the person you hooked up with.
11. You took a quiz
Taking an online “AM I BI?” quiz prob isn’t the best way to see if you’re a card-carrying LGBTQA+ member 🏳️🌈. But sometimes these quizzes can help you understand how you really feel which is a good thing.
12. You have a crush or are in luv
A crush can hit you like a ton of bricks. But it can be even more “WHAT IS HAPPENING?” vibes if you have romantic or sexual feelings for someone of a different gender than you’re used to.
Even if your crush doesn’t turn out to be “the one” it could still be a sign you’re interested in that gender in general.
13. You take it personally when someone disses #BiLife
Bi folks have to deal with A LOT of smack from all sides of the sexuality spectrum. Plenty of people assume that bi people are extremely sexually charged and that is why the whole “gender doesn’t matter” thing exists. There’s also the stigma of “you’re not gay enough” or “you’re not straight enough.”
If you’re bi you might take these unfair stigmas personally or feel hurt or attacked by them:
“It’s just a phase.”
“You’re just greedy.”
“You must be slutty.”
“You’re down for threesomes.”
And the biggie: “Bisexuality isn’t real.”
Well, let’s end the debate right now:
Bisexuality 👏 is 👏 real 👏. You do you.
14. You can picture a long-term relationship with any gender
A good way to tell if you’re bi is to visualize a long-term partnership with someone from any gender. You might feel more comfortable with one gender than another. Or, it all sounds great.
FYI: Bisexuality doesn’t vanish when you’re with a new person. When a bi person is in a gay or straight relationship, they’re still bi.
15. The bi flag is a source of pride
When pink, purple, and blue are combined it’s a glorious thing 💖💜💙. (Yet there’s still no bi flag emoji UGH!)
When you start to accept and love your bi-mazing self, it’s pretty clear that you know who you are. And you should be proud!
16. It just feels right
At the end of the day, the most important thing is doing what makes you happy. If a bi lifestyle is what works for you, then go for it!
If you’re questioning your bisexuality, here are some things you can ask yourself:
Am I attracted to two or more genders?
Is thinking about bi experiences fun or exciting?
Does the thought of being bi make me feel good?
Can I see myself being with any gender in the long-term?
Does gender matter to me in terms of a romantic or sexual partner?
Do I self-identify with other bi ppl (celebs, characters, or people I know)?
In 2013, the Pew Research Center asked 1,197 LGBT adults which orientation they most identified with. They found that 40 percent of participants identified as bi. Meanwhile, 36 percent identified as gay men, 19 percent identified as lesbians, and 5 percent identified as trans.
Granted, this is just one study. But it does shed a light on how many bi folks are out there!
“While some people will certainly strongly identify as either gay or straight, far more people fall somewhere in the middle,” says Pressnall.
Coming out is a super personal event. You don’t have to tell everyone (or anyone!) you know that you’re bi. But if you do want to come out, here are some tips to make it easier.
Come up with a plan. There’s really no right or wrong way to come out. It’s all about what you think is best. You might want to tell people face-to-face, in a letter, or via text.
Ease into it. You might want to tell a few trusted folks first. This might be easier than telling everyone all at once.
Figure out what you want to say. You can totes just go with the, “hey I’m bi, bye” text. But a lot of bi folks want to fully explain their feelings and emotions when they come out. Again, it’s about what feels right for you.
Decide if you want to give them a heads up. If you go with the in-person route, you can send them a text first. Here’s an example:
“Hey. I have something very important to tell you. But I would prefer to do it face-to-face or on the phone. Please let me know when you have a moment to talk. And don’t worry… it’s great news!”
Be prepared for their reaction. In a perfect world, your friends and family will all be super supportive and happy for you. But this doesn’t always happen. Just know that you’re valid, wanted, and loved no matter what anyone says.
Where to find support
Not everyone has a bisexual sherpa in their life. But you can find solace in other bi peeps on platforms like Reddit, Instagram, or YouTube.
Talk to a mental health care provider if your sexuality — or life in general — is making you feel stressed or sad. A queer-inclusive therapist might be best since they may have a deeper understanding of what you’re going through.
You can also look for local support groups or try a therapy app.
And remember… you’re far from alone ❤️.
The only person who gets to decide you’re bi is YOU! Don’t let anyone else tell you how you should feel about your sexuality. But if you are bi… CONGRATS, WOO!
Keep in mind, you don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to. Just remember that you’re perfect exactly as you are.
Reach out to a mental health specialist if you feel sad or confused about your sexuality. You can also find TONS of amazing, supportive bi communities online or in your local area.
You can check out the Bisexual Research Center to look for local support groups and connect with other bi peeps. There’s also lots of fab LGBTQA+ resources on GLAAD’s website.
P.S. There’s a thriving bisexual community on Reddit.
In many countries surrogate sex therapy – in which a person is hired to act as a patient’s sexual partner – is controversial, and not widely practised. In Israel, however, it is available at government expense for soldiers who have been badly injured and need sexual rehabilitation.
By Yolande Knell and Phil Marzouk
The Tel Aviv consultation room of Israeli sex therapist Ronit Aloni looks much as you would expect. There is a small comfy couch for her clients and biological diagrams of male and female genitalia, which she uses for explanation.
But what happens in the neighbouring room, which has a sofabed and candles, is more surprising.
This is where paid surrogate partners help teach some of Aloni’s clients how to have intimate relationships and ultimately, how to have sex.
“It doesn’t look like a hotel – it looks more like a house, like an apartment,” says Aloni. There’s a bed, a CD player, an adjoining shower – and erotic artwork adorns the walls.
“Sex therapy is, in many ways, couple therapy and if somebody doesn’t have a partner then you cannot complete the process,” she goes on. “The surrogate – she or he – they’re there to model the partner role in a couple.”
Although critics liken this to prostitution, in Israel it has become accepted to the extent that the state covers the cost for soldiers with injuries that affect their ability to have sex.
Sex is part of life, it’s the satisfaction of life… it’s not that I’m being Casanova – this is not the issue
“People need to feel they can pleasure somebody else and that they can get pleasure from somebody else,” says Aloni, who has a doctorate in sexual rehabilitation.
“People are coming for therapy. They’re not coming for pleasure. There is nothing similar to prostitution,” she adds firmly.
“Also, 85% of the sessions are [about] intimacy, touching, giving and receiving, communicating – it’s about learning to be a person and how you relate to other people. By the time you have a sexual relationship, that’s the end of the process.”
Mr A, as he wants to be known, was one of the first soldiers who got Israel’s Ministry of Defence to pay for sex surrogate therapy after a life-changing accident nearly 30 years ago, when he was an army reservist.
A fall from a height left him paralysed from the waist down and unable to have sex in the ways that he had previously.
“When I was injured I made a list ‘To Do,'” he says. “I have to [be able to] do a shower by myself, I have to eat, dress by myself, to drive by myself and have sex independently.”
Mr A was already married with children, but his wife did not feel comfortable talking about sex to doctors and therapists, so she encouraged him to seek help from Aloni.
He explains how Aloni gave directions and feedback to him and his surrogate partner before and after each session.
“You start from the beginning: you’re touching this, you’re touching there and then it’s building step-by-step until the last stage of getting an orgasm,” he says.
Mr A argues it was right for the state to pay for his weekly sessions, just as it did other parts of his rehabilitation. Today the cost of a three-month treatment programme is $5,400.
“It wasn’t the goal of my life to go to a surrogate, OK, I was injured and I want[ed] to rehabilitate in every aspect of my life,” he says, sitting in his wheelchair, in a tracksuit, on his way to play table tennis.
“I didn’t fall in love with my surrogate. I was married. It was just to study the technique of how to get to the goal. I took it as a very logical thing that I have to do.”
He blames Western hang-ups about sex for any misconceptions.
“Sex is part of life, it’s the satisfaction of life,” he says. “It’s not that I’m being Casanova, this is not the issue.”
A steady stream of people of different ages and backgrounds visits Aloni discreetly at her clinic.
Many are struggling to have a romantic relationship because of intimacy issues or anxiety, or have suffered sexual abuse. Others have physical and mental health conditions.
Aloni has focused particularly on disabled clients since the start of her career. Several of her close relatives had disabilities including her father, a pilot, who suffered a brain injury after a plane crash.
“All my life I was next to people having to deal with and overcome different disabilities,” she says. “All these people were very well rehabilitated and so I had this very optimistic approach.”
Aloni became close to a surrogate who worked with disabled people while studying in New York.
When she came back to Israel in the late 1980s, she gained the approval of leading rabbis for the use of sexual surrogates and started providing therapy at a rehabilitation centre on a religious kibbutz – a rural community.
The rabbis had one rule – no married men or married women could be surrogates – and Aloni has followed it ever since.
Over time, she has won backing from the Israeli authorities. Out of about 1,000 people who have had surrogate sex therapy at her clinic, dozens have been injured army veterans – many with brain trauma or spinal cord injuries, whose treatment has been funded by the state.
Aloni believes that Israel’s family-oriented culture and its attitude towards its armed forces has worked in her favour. At 18, most Israelis are called up for military service and they can continue as reserve soldiers into middle age.
“We are in a war situation all the time since the country was established,” she says.
“Everybody in Israel knows people who were injured, or died and everybody has a positive approach to compensating these people. We feel obliged to them.”
A tall man of about 40 is sitting in his garden in central Israel with a blanket across his lap. He is a former reserve soldier whose life was shattered in the 2006 Lebanon War.
David – as we will call him – was left unable to talk or move.
He can only communicate with the help of his occupational therapist – if she supports his arm and holds a pen in his hand, he can write on a whiteboard.
“I was just an ordinary person. I’d just got back from a trip to the Far East. I was studying in university and worked as a barman. I used to love sports and being with friends,” David says.
When his military unit came under attack, he suffered serious leg and head injuries and went on to spend three years in hospital.
During that time, he says he lost the will to live.
Things only began to turn around after his occupational therapists suggested surrogate sex therapy.
“When I started the surrogate therapy, I felt like a loser, like nothing. In therapy. I started feeling like a man, young and handsome,” David says.
“It was the first time that I felt that since my injury. It gave me strength and it gave me hope.”
This was an intimate relationship that David started, knowing that it would have to end. So was there a risk that he would be emotionally hurt?
“Initially, it was difficult for me because I wanted the surrogate all to myself,” he says. “But I realised that even if we’re not partners, we’re still good friends. And it’s worth it. It’s worth everything. It just helps you rebuild yourself all over again.”
While the usual rules are that surrogates and clients cannot be in contact outside of the therapy, David and his surrogate – a woman who uses the alias Seraphina – were given special permission by Dr Aloni’s clinic to stay in touch when their sessions ended.
Since the treatment, those close to David say they have seen a transformation in him. He has been focusing on plans for the future.
While having a sex life remains very difficult, before Covid-19 struck he had begun socialising more, going out with the help of his carers.
Seraphina has worked as a surrogate with Ronit Aloni for over a decade. She is slim with bobbed hair and is warm and articulate.
Recently she published a book about her experiences. Titled More than a Sex Surrogate, the publishers describe it as “a unique memoir about intimacy, secrets and the way we love”.
Like all of the surrogate partners at the Tel Aviv clinic, Seraphina has another job. Hers is in the arts. She says she took on her role for altruistic reasons.
“All those people that suffer under the [surface] and have all those hidden secrets that they walk around with, I really wanted to help because I knew I had the ability,” she explains.
“I had no problem with the idea of using sexuality or my body or touch in the therapy process. And the subject was fascinating to me, sexuality was fascinating to me.”
Seraphina describes herself as “like a tour guide”, saying she takes clients on a journey in which she knows the way.
You cannot rehabilitate a person without rehabilitating their self-esteem, their perception of being a man or a woman
She has worked with about 40 clients, including another soldier, but says that the severity of David’s injuries posed a unique challenge. She learned how to help him to write so that they could chat privately.
“David is the most extreme case ever known. It was like walking in a desert – you had no idea of the direction [in which] to go,” she says.
“I had to be very, very creative because he doesn’t move at all. I moved his body as I imagined he would have moved if he could. He felt his body but he could not move it.
“He always said: ‘She knows exactly what I want, even if I don’t say anything.’ So, it was really flattering.”
While being a surrogate, Seraphina has had boyfriends who, she says, accept what she does. But she knows other women and men who have stopped acting as surrogates for the sake of their personal partners or to get married.
She explains that saying goodbye to clients after they have been intimate is necessary but can be difficult.
“I say, it’s like going to a vacation. We have an opportunity to have a wonderful relationship for a certain short time and do we take it or give it up?
“And it’s the happiest break-up anybody can have. It’s for good reasons. I can cry sometimes, but at the same time, I’m so happy.
“When I hear that anybody is in a relationship or had a baby or got married, it’s unimaginable how happy and thrilled and thankful I am for what I do.”
Late in the evening, Ronit Aloni is still working, giving an online lecture to a group of sexologists from Europe and as far afield as South America.
She recounts cases and quotes studies suggesting surrogacy is more effective than classic psychological therapy at treating sexual problems.
“This is most interesting, those therapists who did already work with surrogates all of them said that they will do it again,” she tells them.
With modern surgery helping more severely wounded soldiers to survive she believes surrogate treatment could be used more widely.
“You cannot rehabilitate a person without rehabilitating their self-esteem, their perception of being a man or a woman,” she says.
“You cannot ignore this part in our life. It’s very important, powerful. It’s the centre of our personality. And you cannot just talk about it. Sexuality is something dynamic, is something that has to be between us and other people.”
In Aloni’s view, modern society has developed unhealthy attitudes towards sex.
“We know how to joke about sexuality. We know how to humiliate people, we know to be very conservative or too extreme about sexuality,” she says.
“It’s never really balanced. It’s never weaved into our life in the way it’s supposed to be, and sexuality – it’s life. This is how we bring life. It’s nature!”
ICYMI, there are *so* many dating apps out there nowadays. From Hinge to Bumble to Tinder, if you’re out there in the ~dating world~ odds are that you’ve tried them all. But what about people who identify as polyamorous? It’s a little more difficult to navigate those apps when you’re poly (more on that later), which is why there are great apps out there specifically dedicated to those seeking polyamorous connections.
First things first, what does it mean to be polyamorous, exactly, and how common is polyamory? “Being polyamorous is being in a relationship with more than one person,” explains Gigi Engle, a certified sex coach, sexologist, and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: a guide to sex, love, and life. (Think of it like this: Monogamy means “one” and “poly” means many.) “These are two relationship styles, but both are equally valid,” says Engle. Polyamory basically boils down to being non-monogamous in a consensual, ethical way, partnered with opening your heart to more than just one person at a time.
So, what does the term “ethical” mean in this case, since, TBH, it can be subjective? In short, polyamorous relationships can be structured in a bunch of different ways (maybe one person is the primary partner, maybe everyone’s on an even playing field, etc.), but being ethically non-monogamous is a way to ensure that everyone involved in the relationship is comfortable with the situation, explains Women’s Health advisory board member Chloe Carmichael, PhD, a New York-based therapist and author of Dr. Chloe’s 10 Commandments of Dating.
TL;DR, it’s all about communication, transparency, and most importantly, consent in your relationship, Carmichael explains. Because polyamorous relationships involve multiple people, everyone being on the same page is crucial. That said, let’s get into the fun stuff. If you’re polyamorous and you want to spice up your dating life by hopping on some new platforms, we’ve got you covered. These are the absolute best polyamory dating apps, according to experts.
If you’re planning to use one of the more traditionally “monogamous” apps like Hinge or Bumble, there are a few helpful notes for your profile to signify that you’re looking for more than one partner. First, make sure you state that you’re ethically non-monogamous (ENM) in your profile, says Janet Brito, PhD, a clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist based in Hawaii. For seeking other polyamorous individuals, you can also write that you’re seeking “like-minded folks.”
Looking to add a third party to your current duo? Just make that clear, and ensure that both you and your current partner have account access, Engle explains. It may help to even set boundaries with that partner so that you’re using it together rather than separately. “Total transparency is needed to make this work,” Engle says. “Don’t be cagey or coy, because that is coming from a place of dishonesty, which is not a good place to start.” Noted!
PSA: Feeld is one of the best apps out there for poly folks, according to Engle. “People have better overall experiences with this app, as it’s meant for open relationships and those looking to explore alternative-style sex, such as kinks,” Engle says.
In short, Feeld encourages you to be yourself on the platform, Brito says, even if that includes seeing several people. (AKA, it’s a breath of fresh air.)
Ever heard of #open? “It’s a new app built on the concept of non-monogamous dating,” says Engle.
So yep, this app is literally designed for polyamorous, ENM, and open people. They have a breadth of virtual and IRL community events, too, so you can get a jump start on meeting your next crush ASAP, all while being surrounded by like-minded people.
You’ve probably heard of Ashley Madison, the website known for affairs and discreet dating. “It’s popular but controversial,” says Brito. “Lots of folks use it.”
Now in app format too, the site claims that the service is legit for everyone, including polyamorous individuals specifically, Brito notes. The main tenet is that Ashley Madison is a judgment-free zone, which means it’s also a place where poly people can explore their sexuality and date, too.
“This app caters to bisexual folks seeking polyamory,” Brito explains. In short, BiCupid is for everyone who’s into a wide range of relationship styles. Whether you’re looking to add a third to your current relationship, want to meet more single polyamorous people, or just want to chat with other bi-identified folks, you can do that on BiCupid.
No, OkCupid isn’t specifically known for its polyamorous community, but it actually *does* now have features that allow you to express your polyamory identity, says Brito. This means that you can search and match with other polyamorous people on the app seeking both short-term connections and longer-term relationships in your area.
Up for hookups, specifically? Downdating is the app for you, says Brito. It allows you to select whether you’d specifically like to go on a date or just ~hook up~ with a certain person, which the company feels is a more honest and mature way to approach dating. If you’re poly, this means that you have the opportunity for a variety of different experiences at your disposal.
MoreThanOne is designed *specifically* for polyamorous folks. The app is for both single polyamorous people as well as for open, ethical, non-monogamous relationships. And, yes, according to the app, it’s welcoming of all genders, sexualities, and identities, in case you’re not about putting labels on any of your own identities.
Another app built to fill a gap in the polyamorous dating space, PolyFinda lets you navigate dating the way you want. It was made for all genders and preferences by members of the polyamorous community, and you’re encouraged to put all of your information out there: State whether you’re in a pair and looking to add more members to your relationship, any characteristics about the people you’re looking for, or whether or not you’re in the mood for something casual.
In 2020, viewing monogamy as the only way to successfully conduct a relationship seems a little passé. Growing numbers of people are living nonmonogamous lifestyles. In fact, a 2017 study found at least one in five people have engaged in some form of consensual non-monogamy before. One approach to living a nonmonogamous lifestyle can be to adopt a philosophy of relationship anarchy.
Relationship anarchy is a way of approaching relationships that rejects any rules and expectations other than the ones the involved people agree on. This approach “encourages people to let their core values guide how they choose and craft their relationship commitments rather than relying on social norms to dictate what is right for you,” Dedeker Winston, relationship coach and co-host of the podcast Multiamory, tells mbg.
People who practice relationship anarchy, sometimes abbreviated as RA, are beholden to themselves and only themselves when it comes to choosing who they conduct sexual or romantic relationships with and how they do it. Relationship anarchists look to form relationships with people that are based entirely on needs, wants, and desires rather than on socially mandated labels and expectations. Some central tenets of relationship anarchy are freedom, communication, and nonhierarchy.
An RA mindset also seeks to dissolve the strict divides between platonic friendship and sexual or romantic love that exist in wider society. Practitioners of relationship anarchy see it as superfluous at best and harmful at worst to rank relationships in order of importance according to the presence of sex or romantic love, and they reject the prioritization of romance above friendship and the elevation of the monogamous couple above all else. (The poem “On Leaving the Bachelorette Brunch” by Rachel Wetzsteon puts that philosophy into art.)
The relationship anarchy manifesto.
The term “relationship anarchy” was originally coined by Andie Nordgren, who published an instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy in a pamphlet in 2006. Nordgren outlines the following principles to guide you through a relationship anarchist life:
1. Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique.
Love is not a limited resource. You can love multiple people without it detracting from the love that you feel for each of them. Every relationship that you have is an entirely new creation between its two (or more) parties and should be approached as such.
2. Love and respect instead of entitlement.
Your bond with someone does not give you the right to control or coerce them. They are an autonomous person who can act as they wish to. Love is not a byword for bossing someone around, nor is love only real when we’re willing to compromise parts of ourselves for others.
3. Find your core set of relationship values.
Focus on what you want and need when it comes to how you will treat and be treated by others. Don’t be tempted to compromise on your inner values in order to try to keep a relationship that no longer serves you.
4. Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don’t let fear lead you.
Be mindful of the way in which heterosexism (the assumption that heterosexuality is the only correct, moral, and desirable way to organize relationships) can corrupt your ideas about what is acceptable within relationships. Stay aware of the assumptions you hold about what gender means with relation to love and work to untangle them.
5. Build for the lovely and unexpected.
Be spontaneous in your connections. Don’t feel held back by the “shoulds” or the “ought to’s.”
6. Fake it till you make it.
Breaking with monogamous, heterosexist relationship norms is hard work. Setting out to do the work can feel like a tall mountain to climb. Push through and go for it nonetheless until it feels like second nature.
7. Trust is better.
Choose to assume that your partner(s) want the best for you. When we approach our relationships with a bedrock of trust, we do not engage in validation-seeking behaviors that can drive unions apart.
8. Change through communication.
Be in continuous dialogue with your partner(s). Do not rely on “sensing” what they think or feel. Communication must be enacted at every step along the way in order to establish how things will function, not just when there are problems to solve. Without communication, people fall into old norms and can inadvertently hurt each other.
9. Customize your commitments.
Do you want to have children together but never move in together? Do you want to get married but never have children? Do you want to maintain separate homes but be committed life partners? Whatever it is that you want, you have the power to make happen. You don’t have to travel along the accepted “relationship escalator” of dating exclusively, moving in, getting married, and having children.
Relationship anarchy versus polyamory versus monogamy.
A monogamous person chooses to eschew all sexual and romantic bonds with people other than their one chosen partner. This is the model of relationship that is most common and holds the most societal recognition. While the majority of relationship anarchists are nonmonogamous and therefore have (or wish to have) sexual and/or emotional bonds with more than one person at a time, Winston says relationship anarchists can also engage in monogamous relationships.
“I do believe that someone can choose to be sexually or emotionally monogamous with a particular person and still be a practicing relationship anarchist,” Winston explains. “As long as you are questioning the status quo, examining your values, and communicating your needs, it is possible to build a radical relationship anarchist life.”
Relationship anarchy thus differs from polyamory, which it is sometimes confused with. Polyamory is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the informed consent of all partners involved. It is sometimes known as ethical or consensual nonmonogamy. To be polyamorous means to acknowledge that people can love more than one person simultaneously. This is different from an open relationship, in which the couple goes outside of the relationship for sex, and not necessarily for lasting and committed emotional intimacy or love.
How relationship anarchy works in practice.
It’s not really possible to give an outline of what the average relationship anarchist’s life might look like. “Typical is a myth. In reality, each of our lives is unique and one-of-a-kind, which is also true for people practicing relationship anarchy,” says Anna Dow, LMFT, therapist and founder of Vast Love, a coaching and counseling practice for people navigating nonmonogamy.
She continues, “A lot of people hear the word ‘anarchy’ and think of radical punk rockers with tattoos and mohawks. While that’s sometimes on point, the lives of relationship anarchists are also as varied as they come. Relationship anarchy is the ‘choose your own adventure’ version of relationships. It’s a belief in coloring outside the lines and going off-trail. When we expand our minds past the predefined boundaries, the possibilities can be endless!”
That being said, a common thread between all relationship anarchists is the time given over to communication. Dow says one characteristic that links together those who are well suited to RA is “strong communication skills, including the abilities to empathetically listen and to authentically express one’s feelings/needs in a direct way. If someone struggles with compassionately considering other people’s perspectives or feels guilt when expressing their own feelings/needs, they likely have some personal growth work to do before being optimally ready for sustaining healthy relationships in the context of RA.”
While it’s impossible to identify an “average” relationship anarchist, some of the ways in which it might look to live an RA lifestyle are to live with a mix of romantic and platonic life partners who are all equally responsible for maintaining the household and making big life decisions. Or to have two romantic partners who aren’t given more time and precedence in one’s life than one’s platonic friends. It can look like choosing to have children with platonic friends instead of with lovers. In short, the sky’s the limit.
Common misconceptions.
When people think of the word “anarchy,” they imagine a lawless and chaotic state of order, but “contrary to common misconceptions, relationship anarchy is not a justification for people to do whatever they want in relationships without consideration of other people’s feelings, needs, desires, or boundaries,” says Dow.
Taking the jump into relationship anarchy is not for those who are looking for an easy way out. “It’s not a magic spell for reducing the amount of work that you need to put into your relationships,” cautions Winston. Like any nonmonogamous setup, relationship anarchy will not solve problems you have in your current relationship.
In an interview with Autostraddle, Josie Kearns, a queer woman with a wife and a girlfriend, explains her approach to relationship anarchy like this:
“To me it means that my partners and I don’t control our relationships with other people — we set boundaries, but we don’t ask to enforce rules on each other. I find it much more meaningful to say, ‘I’m choosing to do this because I care about you and I know it will feel good to you,’ than to say, ‘I’m doing this because it obeys our rules.’”
You must be logged in to post a comment.