Tag: Relationship Advice

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What’s The STD Knowledge Gap & Why Is It An Issue For Women’s Health?

By Alice Broster

Sex and health education has changed a lot over the last few decades. Depending on where you grew up, it’s more than likely that the syllabus being taught in schools now bears little to no resemblance to what was on offer when you were there. However, this has serious implications for your health and wellbeing as you get older. While the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has reported that sexually transmitted diseases are on the rise in the US and the UK, research has found that British and American adults are experiencing a knowledge gap when it comes to STDs, perhaps due to a lack of educational programming. 

Both the US and UK are seeing spikes in chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis. Along with a decline in condom use, the CDC reports that STD programming at the state and local level is lacking, and fewer people are receiving care due to budget cuts. Research conducted by the Superdrug Online Doctor found that when answering their 16 question STD quiz, the average score in the US was 35% and it was lower at 31% for UK respondents. That constitutes a fail in most high school health classes. Millennials had the most competent STD knowledge with their score averaging at 36% and Gen Z has the most to learn, with an average score of 30%.

42% of Americans could identify one symptom of chlamydia and women were more aware of how it could manifest. 66% of female respondents knew it doesn’t always show signs, compared to 47% of men. Superdrug Online Doctor attributed this to the fact that doctors have publicized the fact the chlamydia can be asymptomatic in women and can cause serious fertility issues, such as premature births and ectopic pregnancies.

Sex education isn’t standardized and no matter how open you are, there’s still taboo attached to certain conditions. “Talking about sexual health is often difficult for people as it’s such a personal and intimate issue. That’s why there’s always been a lot of misinformation and urban myths going around,” says Dr. Babak Ashrafi, at Superdrug Online Doctor, “the more we open up about sexual health and destigmatize it, the better informed we’ll all be.”

The prospect of contracting a sexually transmitted disease is scary but there are so many precautions you can take. Condoms are about 98% effective at preventing pregnancy and also protect you against most STDs. However, 63% of Americans and 54% of Brits thought wearing a male and female condom would be extra effective. This is a myth and might reduce its effectiveness.

If you’re sexually active you also have to take responsibility for your sexual health. “The key is accessibility. Restrictive opening hours or long waiting times can deter people from getting issues checked out, which can, in turn, see symptoms worsen and infections spread further due to delayed treatment,” says Dr. Simran Deo at UK-based online doctor, Zava UK, “this can in some cases lead to the need for more invasive treatments and can have an impact on fertility and general wellbeing. There is also the issue of embarrassment, many people are hesitant to speak to a doctor or medical professional about their sexual health, or would simply rather not know. Increasing awareness of online services and test-kits is a really good way to combat these accessibility issues.”

Walk-in centers, your gynecologist, online doctors and nonprofit organizations can provide crucial information to help you get clued up on the symptoms and consequences of STDs. They also provide crucial testing services. However, as many people are still in self-isolation during the COVID-19 pandemic and going to your doctor is ill-advised, using online resources is your best option at this time. “Our doctors at Superdrug Online Doctor are all on hand to offer personalized, confidential advice to anyone who needs it. Just message us through your account with your questions. Otherwise, your GP or local sexual health clinic are excellent sources of information, where you can also get the tests you need,” says Dr Ashrafi.

Just because you’re in lockdown during the COVID-19 pandemic doesn’t mean you have to let your sexual or reproductive health suffer. STDs are on the rise in the US and UK and as some can leave you with long-lasting medical complications or even infertility it’s so important to empower yourself with knowledge.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Four key steps to reviving your sex life

By Jelena Kecmanovic

Early in the pandemic, many coupled patients in my therapy practice mentioned sex less than usual. It was crowded out by all the other existential concerns and emotional problems. But as the world starts to reopen and spring is in the air, their interest in sex — and concern about the pandemic’s effect on it — has picked up. “I wonder if we’ll ever have regular sex again,” “We got out of habit and I don’t know how to bring it up,” and “I just don’t feel sexy after all we’ve gone through — but I’d like to” are common laments I hear.

Research indicates sex has suffered during the past two years. A 2022 review of 22 studies, including 2,454 women and 3,765 men, found a decrease in sexual activity and higher rates of sexual dysfunction during the pandemic. Another review of research from 18 countries, conducted until April 2021, showed that women experienced lower sex frequency as well as a decline in sexual satisfaction.

Many factors have contributed to this compromised sexual functioning. Biological reasons include the facts that “people experienced more stress and fear, less exercise, worse diets, more drinking and smoking, and increased use of antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications,” said Ian Kerner, relationship and sex therapist in New York City and the author of “So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex: Laying Bare and Learning to Repair Our Love Lives.”

Furthermore, rates of anxiety, depression and relationship conflict, all of which adversely affect sex, have gone up during the pandemic. Gail Guttman, a relationship and sex therapist in the D.C. area, added that being stuck at home with a partner and kids and having no privacy also have contributed to worsening sexual functioning.

Research indicates that a robust sex life is associated with higher individual and couple well-being — and that can be especially important during stressful times. A January 2021 Italian study, for example, found that both women and men who had sex during the pandemic lockdown exhibited lower depression and anxiety.

With infection rates falling, mask mandates lifting and experts designing road maps that will hopefully leave the pandemic in our rearview mirrors, now seems like a good time for couples to reinvigorate their sex lives. “There is an opportunity here to not just get back to normal, but to improve things in creative ways,” said David Ley, a psychologist and sex therapist in Albuquerque. This seems especially important given that the frequency of intercourse and other partnered sexual activities was falling even before the pandemic.

Here are steps that Ley and others recommended to help couples find their way back to each other physically.

Decide together that sex is important

If a couple wants to rekindle their sex life, it needs to be a mutual decision, followed by action. “People might think things will just get better on their own. But we need to prioritize sex if we want to see a change,” said Cynthia Graham, a professor in sexual and reproductive health within psychology at the University of Southampton, in the United Kingdom.

How do you prioritize sex? First, assess whether your relationship’s level of trust and goodwill toward each other provides a safe base for rekindling sex. “Being able to unite and together work on improving your sex life, instead of seeing it as ‘me vs. you’ problem, is a good start,” said Ley.

Then, make space for sex in your life, working together to identify and overcome barriers. Some couples might discover that helping each other lower stress or reduce fatigue — perhaps with a reallocation or reprioritization of responsibilities — is what’s needed. Others might find that reviving their emotional intimacy is a prerequisite for being physically intimate; one way to do that is to take turns answering the 36 questions in this study that were shown to increase closeness.

What is particularly important is to let go of any presumptions about your libido, the way sex is supposed to go or what will constitute sexual intimacy on any given night. Expectations that you’ll feel burning desire, experience fireworks in bed and achieve simultaneous orgasms — ideas typically fueled by unrealistic media portrayals — often backfire, as sex educator and researcher Emily Nagoski details in “Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life.” It is interesting that a significant number of older people report having satisfying sex lives because they learned to let go of assumptions and accept their bodies.

“You should replace sexual desire with willingness to show up and go through the motions which are pleasant for both of you, and might get you in the mood,” said Kerner. “Just being truly present goes a long way.”

Talk about sex

There is a paradox in our society: Sex is seemingly everywhere, all the time — in shows, videos, podcasts, magazines and ads, among other places — but couples at home avoid conversations about it. Many of my patients express high anxiety about the thought of bringing up anything pertaining to sex when talking with their partners, especially if they anticipate any disagreement. Mirroring my observations, a 2017 study found that couples feel much more anxious before conflictual conversations related to sex compared with other subjects.

Other research suggests that individuals in relationships also are reluctant to engage in sexual self-disclosure. “There is so much discomfort, shame, and fear of rejection that stops people from talking about sex,” said Ley. “And yet, the only way to improve your sex life is by discussing what optimal sex looks like for you and what’s standing in the way of achieving it. Sexual goals, preferences, fantasies and differences in desire levels can be all communicated and negotiated with empathy and kindness.”

Graham explained that sexual communication is strongly related to sexual satisfaction and that “there is a reciprocal relationship between sexual communication and desire.” So heed the advice of the 1990 song by Salt-N-Pepa, “Let’s Talk About Sex”: “Don’t be coy, avoid, or make void the topic / Cause that ain’t gonna stop it.” If you find yourself at a loss about how to broach the subject, any collection of sexually intimate questions — which can be found on relationship and wedding sites, and even Oprah.com — could give you some ideas. Be mindful to tailor your disclosures and questions to yourself and your partner.

Ignore the myth of spontaneity

Another cultural script that hurts our sex lives is the idea that — if you love each other — desire should appear out of nowhere, leading to hot, spontaneous sex. It turns out that only about 15 percent of women experience so-called spontaneous desire (the percentage is higher in men), and the rest have desire that is responsive to context, such as erotic materials, a sexy whisper or sensual smells. Imagining such things can increase desire, too.

So, there is nothing wrong with planning sex. “People are resistant to sex dates, but I remind them that sex was actually never completely spontaneous,” said Guttman. “When you were dating and thinking sex might happen, you’d put on nicer underwear.”

Kerner suggests picking a night to have sex, and then “living the whole day in a pro-sex way.” Imagination is your limit to what this could look like.

Increase novelty and play (not just in the bedroom)

Imagination is also crucial when it comes to brainstorming and engaging in activities with a partner in a way that broadens your sense of self and perspective of the world. Novel, surprising, and challenging activities have been shown to enhance sexual desire and satisfaction. So, be creative and join a Mediterranean cooking class together, learn to dance salsa or act like tourists in your own city.

After two years in raggedy leisure clothes, with limited interactions with the outside world, even dressing up and going out for a nice dinner (maybe in a new restaurant with a cuisine you’ve never tasted before) will feel adventurous and exciting. Even better if you make it a surprise.

If you want an additional boost in libido, try activities that get your and your partner’s heart-rate pumping. Hiking, biking, running or roller-coasters could do the trick

The common theme here is to allow yourself and your partner to step out of a goal-oriented, “responsible citizen” role for a bit. “The main advice I would give is: Play!” said Guttman. “Whether you go to a bar and pretend that you’re meeting for the first time, or you go on a little adventure to a sex toy store, in-person or online, what matters is being playful and laughing with your partner.”

Finally, “you can experiment with things that can enhance arousal,” said Kerner. “Pick [sexual] scenarios you think your partner would like and suggest them. You’ll be surprised how often they appreciate that. Or together enjoy some erotic literature, sexy podcast or steamy Netflix show.”

Now is our chance to rekindle passion and create better sex lives than before the pandemic. “Sex therapists all over the country that I supervise are noticing a sexual parallel to the Great Resignation,” said Ley. “There’s an explosion of interest in trying new ways of relating to each other and re-sparking.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What will Consent 101 actually look like in schools?

‘There’s an understandable concern from parents, but I think they should feel confident that this education will be age appropriate and grow with the students.’

Experts believe that starting consent education early will allow our children more opportunities to apply the concept in their daily lives.

By Jaymie Hooper

A landmark decision by the Australian government will see sexual consent education mandated across schools nationally from next year, with children as young as four expected to participate in the program. But what will the lessons entail? And will they be ageappropriate?

What is consent education?

At its most basic level, consent education involves teaching young people that no means no in sexual relationships and situations.

The current Australian sex education curriculum focuses on teaching students how to stand up for themselves, navigate peer pressure and identify respectful relationships (offline and online) but it fails to provide a holistic overview of consent, and schools are not required to teach it.

Due to the work of sexual abuse activists, such as former private school student Chanel Contos, that will change.

On February 17, after consultation with Contos (whose petition for consent education reform garnered more than 44,000 signatures after an Instagram poll revealed hundreds of her peers had been sexually assaulted), state and federal ministers voted to add consent to the national curriculum – a ground-breaking win in the fight against sexual abuse. Students will partake in the syllabus from 2023, including those just starting school.

Why do we need consent education? Isn’t sex ed enough?

According to Katrina Marson, criminal lawyer and lead of prevention projects at Rape and Sexual Assault Research and Advocacy (RASARA), comprehensive relationships and sexuality education can act as a protective factor against assault, and reduce the likelihood of negative sexual experiences.

“When provided from a young age, it equips young people with the knowledge, skills and values they need to safeguard their own and others’ sexual wellbeing and safety,” she explains. Dr Kimberley O’Brien, co-founder of child psychology clinic The Quirky Kid, agrees that starting consent education early affords children more opportunities to apply the concept in life.

“Children who are educated, empowered and have the opportunity to practise [consent] skills have the best chance of understanding their own boundaries and enforcing those boundaries with others,” she explains.

“If we introduced consent education to high schoolers, it may feel like a foreign concept, but with early intervention, kids grow up knowing consent is important and boundaries are to be respected.”

What will students be taught? Is it suitable for young children?

“There’s an understandable concern from parents, but I think they should feel confident that this education will be age appropriate and grow with the students,” explains Saxon Mullins, director of advocacy at RASARA.

While the final curriculum is expected to be signed off by education ministers this April, Mullins assures parents that “it will be designed with input from relationship and sexuality education experts around the country”.

Consent education for primary school children will not include examples of sexually explicit scenarios, but focus on building the foundations of consent. “It’s taught in a way that makes sense to young people,” adds Marson.

“For example, through sharing toys, playing with friends and giving relatives hugs.” High school students will be given comprehensive sex education, strategies to identify instances of coercive control and how to communicate assertively and respectfully, as well as opportunities to practise how to seek, give or deny consent.

The curriculum reform is welcome news to Dannielle Miller, CEO of Enlighten Education, who stresses that consent education must be well-rounded. “We need to deconstruct power imbalances, gender stereotypes and discuss all forms of relationship abuse,” she explains. “We must not get so focused on sexual violence that we fail to address many other forms of violence young people experience – not just as witnesses to violence within their homes but in their own relationships.”

How do young Australians feel about consent education?

According to Miller, who runs in-school respectful relationship programs, teens are eagerly anticipating the curriculum. “We already talk to young people about consent and, let me tell you, teens are so ready to have this discussion,” she says.

“They also have expectations the talks must be nuanced, inclusive and authentic. They want more than just the basics.” Adds Mullins, a survivor of sexual assault who has lobbied for consent reforms since 2018 and feels education mandates are overdue, “Sexual violence has been swept under the rug for far too long.”

How to help boys be part of the solution

Worried that your son could feel targeted by the new curriculum? Psychologist Dr Kimberley O’Brien reveals how to talk to young men about consent “Consent education is no more important for young boys than it is for any other gender.

It’s something that we should all be aware of. By being open- minded, you can encourage young people to consider the information in a way that’s not biased. It helps them put that information into practice, rather than questioning whether it’s right or wrong, so try to model being curious about the material that’s coming your way.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Can ‘Friends With Benefits’ Really Work?

15 Rules for Mess-Free Arrangement

By Caitlin Killoren

We all know the phrase “let’s keep it casual,” but what does it really mean to be “friends with benefits” with someone? Friends with benefits (aka FWB) is a casual sexual relationship with either a friend (duh) or just a random person. The general idea is that you are friends (or at least friendly) with the other person and have a sexual chemistry, but are not interested in pursuing a more serious, romantic, relationship. Successful FWB relationships are strictly sexual and avoid all of the romantic and physical intimacy of a true relationship. For a lot of people, FWB relationships are a great way to scratch a sexual itch without having to commit the time or emotional investment into a full blown relationship. They are also excellent for polyamorous people who are interested in pursuing multiple different types of relationships at one time.

And while some people really thrive in these casual relationships, others have a hard time separating sexual intimacy from emotional intimacy. Begging the question: Is it truly possible to have a sexual relationship without catching feelings? Casual relationships aren’t for everyone, so if you are interested in pursuing a FWB, there are a few ground rules you should ask yourself to keep a FWB situation from becoming too involved.

1. Make sure you’re emotionally mature enough to be FWB

Like we said before, not everyone is cut out for a casual FWB relationship. Sleeping with someone in a non-committal way takes a lot of emotional maturity. Before you start a FWB fling, make sure that you can deal with the different outcomes of the relationship. Adding sex to the equation will never make things easier (though it potentially adds a lot of satisfaction), so ask yourself if you can handle a casual thing from the get go.

Having emotional maturity also means that you are able to evaluate your own wants and needs. Before getting sexually involved with a friend, think about what you really want out of your relationship with them. Are you the type of person that can handle casual sex? Not everyone is. Knowing this about yourself is important before embarking on a FWB relationship so that you can protect yourself and your friendships.

2. Don’t become FWB with someone you already have feelings for

A successful friends with benefits relationship will end when the relationship is no longer serving one/both of you, or when one of you starts dating another person more seriously. You should not go into a friends with benefits relationship expecting (or hoping) for it to become something more serious. Most FWB do not end with you dating your bed buddy! For this reason, you should not become FWB with someone that you are already into. If you agree to just sleep together, you should not expect them to wake up one morning and reciprocate your feelings. And if you are sleeping together, your feelings for the other person will probably only become stronger, which can make the situation even more difficult.

For a lot of people, it’s easy and normal to separate emotional feelings from physical/sexual relationships and that’s what you’re signing up for as a FWB. Sleeping with someone with the hopes that they fall for you is a surefire way to break your own heart. Instead of going for someone that you are romantically interested in, choose someone that you are not romantically attracted to so that things can indeed be casual.

3. Choose your partner wisely

The ideal FWB is someone that you are physically attracted to, but not emotionally attracted to. In addition to sexual chemistry, it’s important to choose someone that is honest. Successful FWB relationships take a lot of communication and trust, so it’s important to choose your partner wisely. At the end of the day, you also need to consider what will happen if the FWB relationship doesn’t work out. Do you really want to risk changing the dynamic of a friend group by sleeping with your pal on the off chance that it does not work out? Sometimes it’s better to keep a playful friend group flirtationship rather than pursue a sexual relationship with a friend. And other times sleeping with your buddy totally works out. Everyone operates differently and all friend groups have a different dynamic. Just make sure that you are considering all the factors when deciding to become a FWB with someone.

4. Don’t be lovey dovey

If you are in a friends with benefits situation, do not act like a couple! This might be the golden rule of successful FWB relationships. Don’t hold hands. Don’t smooch in public. Don’t go on dates. Don’t practice PDA. In general, just don’t be lovey dovey with your sex friend. It’s important to keep things in the bedroom, so that you don’t start developing feelings for them. If you start doing couple-y things with your friend with benefits, then you may start to develop feelings for them, even if that’s not your intention. It’s only natural to start falling for someone if you spend a lot of time together, especially if you are already being sexually intimate. So try to avoid this situation all together.

A lot of people find that it’s actually easiest to minimize the amount of alone time they spend with the FWB to keep the relationship more casual and low key. While you don’t want the relationship to feel transactional, you do want to make sure that it is mostly/entirely about your sexual chemistry and connection. If you do want to spend time together outside of the bedroom, it’s a good idea to do so in group settings. Group dynamics will keep PDA to a minimum and it will emphasize the FRIENDS aspect of FWB.

5. Avoid sleepovers

Along the same lines as the last piece of advice, you and your FWB should avoid having sleepovers. After having sex, LEAVE! Cuddles and spooning fall squarely into activities for couples and should be avoided if you want your FWB relationship to work. As does pillow talk, which can often get very intimate. As nice as it is so wake up next to someone in the morning (and potentially have morning sex!) that is an intimacy that you should try and reserve for serious partners. This is not to say that you need to kick your friend to the curb as soon as you finish having sex, but you should be weary of sleepovers, as they might add complications to your casual relationship.

6. Be transparent about your sex life and be safe

FWB relationships are not typically exclusive, which means that you and your friend are probably seeing a couple different people. When you first begin a friends with benefits relationship, you and your new boo should talk about whether or not you plan to sleep with other people when you talk about your boundaries (more on this to come). During this discussion, you should talk about how you plan to practice safe sex with each other and other people. It’s not necessary to disclose the other people that you are sleeping with (unless that makes you and your partner more comfortable), so long as you are on the same page about your expectations for protection during sex. It’s super important that you are both transparent about your sex lives and that you are practicing safe sex. In addition to condoms and other forms of protection, it’s a good idea to set up routine STI screenings so that you do know your status.

7. Set expectations at the beginning

Being in a FWB relationship requires a lot of potentially awkward or blunt conversations cough cough,why we mentioned that bit on emotional maturity. You and your FWB should talk about the expectations for your relationship at the outset. We understand that not everyone is into scheduling, but it can be helpful to talk about what your FWB relationship will look like from the outset. Do you want a standing hookup on Wednesday nights? Or do you want things to be more spontaneous? Are you down with flirty texting? Or is that crossing a line? Do you expect to be in this for the foreseeable future? Or are you moving across the country in two months? Talking all of these things through at the beginning will help make sure that you and your friend are on the same page.

8. Expect the bare minimum

In addition to setting expectations in the beginning, it’s a good rule of thumb to set your expectations as low as possible. A FWB relationship won’t come with any bells and whistles so don’t expect a birthday present, a Valentine’s card, or a bouquet of flowers at any point. Keeping your expectations low (yes, even lower than the expectations you set in the beginning) will prevent you from getting overly invested in your casual relationship. And it will prevent you from getting jealous or upset if your friend blows you off or doesn’t prioritize you. Expecting the bare minimum will also help you avoid falling into the trap of catching feelings.

Remember that you shouldn’t expect this relationship to turn into something more serious, so keep your expectations for the relationship realistic/low and leave space for other people in your life to provide emotional support and more consistent friendship.

9. Set boundaries

Like we mentioned above, it’s extremely important to set boundaries when you take a friendship to the Friend with Benefits level. Boundaries are important for every relationship, and FWB relationships are no exception. In order for both of you to feel fulfilled in this relationship, you need to make sure that your boundaries and needs are being respected. This is often more important for FWB that share the same friend group or have some social overlap in their lives. If this is the case, it’s important to discuss who will know about the relationship, how you will navigate the relationship in public and whether or not friends or certain people are off limits. Setting up boundaries or rules is just as important (if not more important) than setting up expectations at the beginning. It’s important for you and your friend to check-in about your boundaries throughout your relationship.

10. Prioritize the friendship part of “FWB” over the physical

At the end of the day, remember that you should be friends with your FWB. A FWB relationship is not just a random hookup and it’s important to keep up a good relationship with one another outside of the bedroom. Because FWB is not a long-term thing, you should focus on being able to keep your friendship alive even if the benefits part of your relationship comes to an end (which it eventually will) You don’t need to spend a ton of time together to maintain your friendship, but focusing on keeping things fun, lighthearted, and playful, will help you prioritize the friendship part over the physical.

Respecting each other’s expectations and boundaries will also ensure that you stay on good terms throughout your FWB relationship and after it’s over. It is totally possible to stay friends with someone after you have hooked up (whether it’s one time or many times) as long as you maintain a mutual respect for one another. It can sometimes take a bit of time to transition from hooking up to being friends again, but keeping the idea of friendship in your head through the hooking up stage will help this transition when the time comes.

11. Communicate

Communication is key in every relationship, but it is especially important in a FWB relationship when you need to discuss things like expectations, boundaries and your sexual health. Being able to have these discussions requires a lot of maturity (remember our first tip), but it is also a skill that you can develop with practice. These conversations don’t come super naturally to most people, so establishing check-ins where you can freely talk about your boundaries and sexual health can help facilitate these important conversations. Oftentimes the most awkward part of these conversations is finding a way to bring these things up in the first place, establishing a time to check-in about these things takes away that weirdness and opens up the important dialogue.

It’s also important that you are able to communicate your sexual needs in a FWB relationship. After all, what’s the point of the benefits if they don’t do it for you! It’s important to be able to communicate openly about your sexual needs so that the FWB is fulfilling. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need in the bedroom. More often than not, your partner will appreciate the guidance. This also means listening to what your FWB wants and needs in bed.

12. Don’t be jealous!

Like we mentioned, your FWB will likely be sleeping with or pursuing other people. As will you. It’s important not to let feelings of jealousy get in the way of a good sex parternship. Possessiveness is not a good color on anyone – in any type of relationship – but especially in a FWB situation when you are decidedly not exclusive! It is up to you and you FWB whether you want to know the specifics of each other’s sex lives. It’s important to know if you are the type of person that gets jealous (some people are, some people are not) and discuss your boundaries with this in mind. Creating honest boundaries can often minimize the amount of jealousy partners feel in FWB relationships.

13. Don’t stop dating

Remember that you and your friend likely won’t end up as serious partners, so if that is what you are ultimately looking for, you should continue to date on the side. The great thing about a FWB relationship is the fact that things are so casual. You can sleep with your FWB when you are in the mood, and take things slow in your dating life. Having a FWB often takes the sexual frustration out of dating because you are getting your sexual needs met elsewhere, allowing you to focus on your emotional connection. Having a FWB can often take the pressure off of dating in the early stages. Even if you do choose to sleep with people you are newly dating, having a reliable sexual partner can make dating more relaxed. Dating can also help prevent you from catching feelings for a FWB because you have other outlets for flirting and emotional connections.

14. Understand that they are also still dating

Just like you will likely be dating on the side, so are they. Be aware that as a FWB you probably aren’t they’re priority and you might have to be comfortable taking a backseat to their dating life. You probably want the same thing, so this usually works out for the best. In addition to not getting jealous of a FWB, it’s important not to expect to be their number one priority.

15. Don’t forget why you started

At the end of the day, friends with benefits relationships are about sex. Make sure that you and your friend are having fun sex together! FWB relationships are a great way to explore different types of sex and to get creative. Focus on the fun and carefree part of the relationship and make sure that your needs are being met in the bedroom!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Just Thinking Differently About Sexual Compatibility May Help a Dry Spell

By MIKE MCRAE

Psychologists have investigated two contrasting beliefs about the nature of sexual satisfaction, to find out which is more likely to help couples better navigate sexual compatibility.

Desire for sex with a new love interest typically starts strong and then wanes over time. Priorities rearrange, small incompatibilities become big ones, and the energy that comes with new relationships can be replaced by other virtues.

For some, a desire to maintain sexual intimacy requires a growth mindset that invests in an ongoing effort to overcome these challenges.

Others are more fatalistic, believing it primarily takes natural compatibility to keep the chemistry alive.

When it comes to overcoming sexual differences, the consequences of each belief have been investigated in the past, but their impact on our ability to negotiate relationships when the loss of sex gives way to depression and anxiety has not been fully appreciated.

So, a small group of psychologists from around the world carried out a longitudinal study on 97 couples where a female partner was diagnosed with significantly low levels of desire and arousal, to find how the partners’ beliefs correlated with changes in their sexual wellbeing.

Couples completed a baseline survey at the start of the study, and a follow-up one year later. After a few break-ups and non-completion of surveys were taken into account, the team had full data from 66 couples on things like sexual desire, frequency, conflict, and satisfaction, as well as incomplete data from 6 couples where only one partner submitted the follow-up survey.

Comparing the statistics revealed a few things about how we deal with sexual struggles as a relationship progresses. The researchers labelled the two beliefs “sexual growth belief” (it takes work) and “sexual destiny belief” (it’s natural compatibility).

For example, among the women with a diagnosis of low sexual desire – clinically referred to as Female Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder (FSIAD) – a view that sexual satisfaction is all about natural chemistry was initially correlated with lower relationship satisfaction and higher conflict.

It was no picnic for their partner either. If they held similar beliefs, they too reported lower satisfaction in their relationship.

Among those with FSIAD who held sexual growth beliefs, sexual desire was a touch higher. Yet for their partners, desire was low, at least compared with partners in the group who believed sexual desire was more destined than designed.

Interestingly, that year seemed to make some difference. Whatever those initial beliefs were, the couples who completed the study generally experienced improvements in their sexual desire.

Partners with FSIAD were noting a significant improvement in desire and lower levels of depression, even though barely one in ten were seeking treatment.

This is good news, implying couples who have reason to stick it out will more than likely go through periods of improved sexual desire.

Overall, the results hint that having a growth mindset when it comes to sex could help a couple work through dry spells. Having a view that chemistry is key, on the other hand, initially adds to the stress and might even compound it by building a sense of helplessness.

“The findings demonstrate that in most cases, sexual destiny beliefs are associated with lower sexual, relationship, and personal well-being when coping with the women’s low desire, whereas sexual growth beliefs are linked to better well-being,” the authors conclude.

As is so often the case with psychology research, there’s a bunch of caveats and contexts to keep in mind.

Over 77 percent of the couples studied, for example, were in mixed-sex relationships and identified as straight (the sample did also include bisexual participants and people with other sexual orientations); most were married or living together, restricting the outcomes to couples who were relatively domestic. They also had to have been in a committed relationship with their partner for at least six months.

Most importantly, the research focused on female partners who were chronically distressed by a loss of sexual appetite.

That doesn’t mean there’s no sage advice for the rest of us. With this in mind, the research could help many couples to focus not just on the practicalities, but their beliefs about sex and compatibility, when it comes to finding ways to deal with changes in their sex lives.

“Sexual growth and destiny beliefs may be important to the sexual narratives that people hold about compatibility with their partner, and also their understanding of their agency in coping with a sexual difficulty to mitigate distress,” the authors write.

This research was published in The Journal of Sex Research.

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The difference between ethical non-monogamy and cheating

By Julia Naftulin

  • In monogamous relationships, a range of intimate interactions with other people could be considered cheating.
  • This can lead to confusion about ethically non-monogamous relationships, where someone has multiple partners but isn’t cheating.
  • According to a therapist, cheating isn’t black-and-white, but defined by an agreement partners make.

People in monogamous relationships can’t seem to agree on what “cheating” entails: A kiss with a stranger? A drunken one-night stand? Exchanging flirty texts with a colleague?

But for people in ethically non-monogamous relationships, there’s a clear line between faithfulness and infidelity, and it has nothing to do with whether or not other parties are involved.

It all comes down to breaching a partner’s trust, Rachel Wright, a sex and relationship therapist who is also in a non-monogamous relationship, told Insider. (Wright uses the term “non-monogamy” without the modifier “ethical” because it suggests relationship setups outside of monogamy are inherently unethical, which isn’t the case, she said.)

“Cheating is cheating, because cheating is going against an agreement,” Wright said.

She said there’s no specific sex acts that make up “cheating.” Rather, it’s what partners agree to uphold together.

That means people in any relationship dynamic, whether non-monogamous or monogamous, can cheat on their partners. In both relationship styles, cheating is characterized by a lack of communication and breaking of trust, according to Wright.

Define ‘cheating’ with your partner using as much detail as possible

Society teaches us to avoid conversations about relationships and sex, but getting into the nitty gritty can help you better understand the difference between cheating and non-monogamy, Wright said.

“There are all of these gray areas because we’re humans,” she said, so having an honest and in-depth discussion about what feels good for you and your partner is the best way to define “cheating.”

“They just assume that everyone’s having the same experience, and there’s some relationship rule book that everybody’s going by. We all know, logically, that’s not true,” Wright said.

People in non-monogamous arrangements have more options for their sexual and romantic lives than people in monogamous relationships, which means they over-communicate their expectations and boundaries often.

She gave the example of two people in a polyamorous relationship. They may agree to date outside of their primary relationship, but also set a rule that they don’t invite their prospective partners back to their shared home. If one partner broke that rule, that would be cheating, Wright said.

But if that partner had sex with an outside partner somewhere other than their home, it wouldn’t be cheating.

“Really, the biggest difference is that someone is not ‘in the know.’ Someone is being blindsided,” Wright said.

To get a better understanding of what “cheating” means to you, Wright suggested examining your personal relationship with jealousy. 

When a person feels jealous, it often signals insecurity, Chapman University psychology professor and relationships researcher Amy Moors previously told Insider.

Rather than create relationship rules that prevent jealousy, it’s healthier to understand how you can care for yourself when that emotion comes up, Wright said.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Help! How Do I Get My Sex Drive Back?

Advice on how to restore a decline in sexual desire.

By Christina Caron

Q: Are there any proven treatments for low libido in women?

“Proven” is a strong word — and one that makes scientists squeamish. But it is safe to say that there is “very strong evidence” for increasing sexual desire through certain types of psychological interventions like cognitive behavioral therapy and mindfulness meditation, said Lori A. Brotto, a psychologist and professor at the University of British Columbia in Vancouver and a renowned expert in women’s sexual health.

When it comes to medications, however, it’s a different story.

In recent years, two new medications for women with low libido have been approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, “though their efficacy is marginally better than a placebo,” said Dr. Stacy Tessler Lindau, a gynecologist at the University of Chicago Medicine and the creator of WomanLab, a website about sexual health.

These drugs, flibanserin (a pill) and bremelanotide (an injection that is self-administered about 40 minutes before sexual activity), were approved for the “very small subset of women” who are premenopausal, have low libidos and do not have any identifiable physical, mental or relationship problems, Dr. Lindau said. “They may have modest benefit, but they also come with side effects and cost,” she added. “So far, insurance coverage has been limited.”

In the end, the most beneficial solution will depend on the reason you are experiencing low libido and why you consider your libido to be a problem.

Talk to a doctor to rule out any new health problems.

For older women, loss of estrogen during menopause is commonly associated with a change in libido because it can cause vaginal dryness and tightness that can make intercourse painful. Some women also find it more difficult to get aroused. And when menopause is accompanied by hot flashes and night sweats, that can make sex seem less appealing too.

Untreated conditions like depression and anxiety can also be problematic for libido. However, some medications, including certain antidepressants, have been shown to negatively affect sexual desire, arousal and orgasm. So it’s best to speak to your doctor about all of the available options.

Certain medical procedures may also lower libido, for example if a woman had her ovaries removed or her estrogen blocked to treat cancer.

“When possible, replacing estrogen can be a helpful adjunct to addressing low libido in some women,” Dr. Lindau said, as can lubricants, exercise and speaking with a therapist.

The hormone testosterone may also improve sexual function in postmenopausal women who are distressed by a chronic loss of interest in sex, but there is limited data on its safety and effectiveness.

Oftentimes, problems with libido are not purely physical. Stress is one of the most common reasons a woman’s sex drive plummets, the experts said. Low libido also can stem from energy and sleep issues, body image, relationship quality, gender inequities and other concerns.

“I would encourage people complaining of low desire and those who hear the complaints to think about all the influences that exist on desire, including and beyond inside bodies,” said Sari van Anders, a professor who studies sexuality and testosterone at Queen’s University in Ontario. “Desire does not just come from a drive within our bodies, it reflects and responds to all sorts of life and societal situations.”

An journal article written last year by Dr. van Anders, Dr. Brotto and others suggested that four factors, each influenced by societal expectations of women, contribute to the low sexual desire experienced by women in heterosexual relationships. They are inequitable divisions of household labor, the tendency for women to take on a caregiver-mother role with their male partners, an emphasis on a woman’s appearance over her own sexual pleasure — which can make her own feelings of desire contingent upon her perceived desirability — and gender norms that influence which partner initiates sex. For example, women are not typically socialized to initiate sex or prioritize their own pleasure, and they may feel uncomfortable experiencing or initiating pleasure unrelated to penetrative intercourse.

The paper also noted that “low desire” might mean different things to different people. Some people want sex more than others, and it is normal for sexual desire to fluctuate over the years. The experts suggest asking yourself: Are you dissatisfied with the amount of sex that you crave? If so, why?

“Low erotic desire is not a problem in and of itself unless and until partners, health professionals, media and/or culture make it into one,” Dr. van Anders said. “A promising way forward is to consider that low desire itself may reflect a problem, for those who aren’t asexual, rather than be a problem in and of itself.”

For example, some women may be concerned not about their own lack of desire but about a mismatch between their libido and a partner’s higher libido.

“If their discrepant desire is creating a problem for the relationship, then a couples sex therapy approach is warranted,” Dr. Brotto said.

If therapy is not possible — perhaps you cannot find a therapist with openings or one who is affordable — then Dr. Brotto suggested having a conversation with your partner about planning to have sex during times when the person with lower desire feels most ready to do so, and increasing the amount of sexual activities that do not involve penetration. These activities may be more likely to provide pleasure to the person who has less desire.

And here’s another thing to keep in mind: Feeling like you’re not in the mood doesn’t necessarily mean that you have less desire or that your level of desire is somehow insufficient. Not everyone experiences desire, then arousal. Some people need to be aroused first to experience desire.

“Libido has historically been equated with spontaneous sexual desire — that feeling of wanting sex that happens out of the blue,” Dr. Brotto said. “It is far less common than responsive desire — the kind of desire that is present after a sexual encounter begins.”

If you tend to feel physical arousal first and mental desire second, don’t just wait for the sudden urge to have sex.

Instead, set aside time to be intimate and prepare to put yourself in the right mind-set to connect physically with your partner. This might involve taking time out of your day to think about sex, masturbating, listening to a musical playlist that makes you feel sexual or watching a movie that arouses you.

Talk with your partner about the different types of desire (spontaneous versus responsive) and the specific things that help you get in the mood. That way, your partner will also be thinking about how to help you build feelings of desire rather than just jumping right into it. The more you understand and respond to each other’s needs, the better your sex life will become.

Finally, being mindful — a practice that helps you remember to return to the present when you become distracted — can be especially helpful when you are thinking about sex or engaging in sexual activity.

“Cultivating attention to the present moment is really important for the brain-body connection that gives way to sexual response,” Dr. Brotto said.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Do Some People Cry After Sex?

The hardcore crash of emotions after sex is not as bizarre or uncommon as many might think.

by Arman Khan

After Zohra, a 28-year-old writer, had sex with her husband a few days after their wedding last year, she couldn’t stop tears from streaming down her face.

It wasn’t their first time having sex – they’d been together for ten years. But for some inexplicable reason, she told VICE, the post-copulation tears became part of their sex life after having tied the knot.

At first, her partner was confused by the sudden burst of emotion. “What happened?” he’d asked her, worried that he’d inadvertently hurt her.

It was all perfect, she’d assure him, unable to pinpoint what she was really feeling apart from a general sense of being overwhelmed.

“We all live so many lies outside the bed,” she told VICE. “But now, it just feels like this experience is special, that he will have this unique connection with me and me alone. I’m not sure if passionate is the right word or if it’s even possible to come up with the right word to describe the intensity of that experience.”

Experts have explained this kind of emotional reaction after sex as postcoital dysphoria (PCD), defined as feeling tearful or sad after otherwise satisfactory or even great consensual sex. According to a study on PCD by the Queensland University of Technology in Australia, nearly 41 percent of men reported experiencing PCD at some point in their lifetime and nearly 4 percent of people said that they cry after sex on a regular basis.  Another study suggests nearly half of all women experience post-coital crying at least once in their lives, with some reporting (often inexplicable) tears during or after sex several times per month.

Neuropsychologist Jasdeep Mago told VICE that we often manifest our “most easily accessible emotion” in moments of vulnerability – and lying bare with another individual is often a deeply vulnerable act. You are going into an agreement to share each other’s deepest desires, to be seen naked, to be loved, wanted and fulfilled – making vulnerability a core component of our sexuality.

“Many people actually end up laughing when they hear bad news or do something emotional. They are obviously not literally happy in that moment but it’s their most easily accessible and used emotion, which surfaces in moments of vulnerability,” said Mago. “For people whose easily accessible emotion is crying, myself included, you will notice they can break down even in the middle of an argument.”

In societies where sex is still widely considered taboo, explained Mago, actually having sex can itself be an overwhelming experience for many, the enormity of it resulting in an unexpected rush of tears.

This was the case with Rituparna, a 24-year-old content strategist. She was 18 when she first cried after sex. At that age, she said, both she and her partner were not equipped with the tools to navigate her emotional reaction. But years of therapy and self-work helped her understand her emotions and reactions better.

“Growing up in a conservative family in a small town in eastern India, there was a lot of shame associated with sex,” she told VICE. “I also went through some sexually traumatic experiences as a child. So, now, when I’m able to have safe and consensual sex, I cry out of gratitude for deserving a space where my pleasure matters and where I know I’ll be treated like a human being.”

In some cases, experts found that women experiencing postpartum depression may also cry after sex as they experience hormonal fluctuations. Rituparna said that while some might explain this as an interplay of hormones such as oxytocin and dopamine, for her, crying after sex is essentially a cathartic experience.

“It’s almost an otherworldly space for me, and I approach it from a position of great respect,” she said. “So far, my partners have been very understanding whenever I’ve cried. In some instances, they became vulnerable too.”

In the queer space, trusting your flings and hookups with a vulnerable reaction after sex is not a common experience, according to Saurabh, a 32-year-old filmmaker. Whenever he felt like crying after sex, he waited for his partner to leave the room first. 

“The first time I cried, it was from sheer exhaustion,” he told VICE. “I didn’t know why I wanted so much sex and why I had to be such a sexual person. It all became too much for me and I broke down. But I couldn’t cry in front of him because I don’t expect strangers to process or even understand a visceral and emotional outburst.”

Asma, a 24-year-old advertising manager, has often felt tears well up after hooking up with strangers. 

“I ask myself: Is this how life is going to be? Will I always have these temporary flings? What value will this add to my life? I let it all build up even during the course of sex and I ultimately break down.”

Asma has, on occasion, cried after sex with her previous boyfriends too. “I think that was about the insecurity I felt in those relationships.” Though her past relationships that were stable led to fewer instances of postcoital crying, a recent positive sexual experience led to tears too. “The fact that I could have his undivided attention for so long really overwhelmed me.”

Mago, the neuropsychologist, said that the feeling of being overwhelmed is a neutral one – it can swing either way, positive or negative.

“One of the reasons why people might get overwhelmed after sex and cry is when there is a mismatch between their expectations from sex and how it actually turns out,” she explained. “Sometimes, bad sex is a stark reminder of the systemic issues in a relationship too, and the crushing realisation can be overwhelming.”

Aastha Vohra, a sexuality and sexual wellness expert, told VICE that anxiety that surfaces during the act itself cannot be discounted when trying to understand why people cry after sex. 

“In many cases, the vulva owner may not have been sufficiently lubricated, and that can cause a lot of discomfort and anxiety that ultimately keeps building and ends up in crying,” she said. “[Consensual] sex is a channel for nearly all our emotions because we’re quite literally naked during the act. It allows you the safe space to express those anxieties and emotions because for many, that safe space might not exist anywhere else.”

Intimacy coach Pallavi Barnwal added that some people who cry after sex may also be the ones who exercise immense emotional self-control outside sex. And a lot can be understood by looking into one’s childhood too. 

“Sex is essentially a primal act that subconsciously takes us back to our earliest bonding experience, that with our parents,” she said. “Past scars and ghosts have a strange way of showing up when you least expect them to. If you are in an extramarital relationship, the guilt can also sometimes manifest in tears.”

In cases where certain positions, words or other apsects of sex evoke past sexual trauma that leads to postcoital tears, Barnwal suggested addressing the “root cause” with therapy.

Mago, the neuropsychologist, emphasized that crying after sex is not explicitly classified as a disorder, disease or syndrom. “Crying after sex in itself does not derail the healthy functioning of an individual,” she said. “Unless it does, in which case you must seek professional help.”

The way Barnwal sees it, the ambiguity and the wide range of experiences surrounding the phenomenon of crying after sex should not surprise us. It boils down to the fact that sex is a multi-layered realm where things don’t immediately have to make sense. 

“We must understand that all sex is essentially two sets of competing truths – pain and pleasure,” she said. “It all depends on how you navigate it and how your partner supports you during the process. If you are the one witnessing the person you’ve had sex with break down, then understand that this is nothing scary or bizarre. Most of the time, it’s not even about you. Just hold them, cuddle them, and embrace sexual vulnerability as a totally normal thing.”

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Let’s Talk About Emotional Cheating in Queer Relationships

“As a rule of thumb, if you’re hiding something… then you’re likely cheating to some degree.”

By Sophie Saint Thomas

Within the queer community, we like to joke that the straights are not okay. But if they can’t handle West End Caleb, the guy who went viral for “love bombing” New York City women with Spotify playlists before ghosting, how could they handle navigating emotional cheating within a polyamorous queer triad? Has a straight person ever needed to identify one’s bisexual identity, in terms of both romantic and sexual attraction, when pinpointing what constitutes emotional cheating? I once watched an ex have her out-of-town ex-turned-best-friend (it’s confusing, I know) platonically stay with her, in her bed, during Valentine’s Day weekend, then accuse me of being emotionally unavailable.

The straights are just fine, with a few notable but vocal exceptions. But the LGBTQ+ crowd needs to discuss emotional cheating — especially after the lonely lockdown and isolation of the COVID-19 pandemic.

While having an ex sleep over, even if you don’t have sex, might be too much for my Scorpio heart, my Gemini friend Zachary Zane, a bisexual activist and Lovehoney sex and relationship columnist, would probably call me a prude. “Since queer people exist outside of traditional, heteronormative constructs, we’ve had to create and define our own relationships,” Zane tells Logo. “Queer people understand that a multitude of relationship types exist between a platonic friend and romantic and sexual partner. You can deeply love your best friend. You can sleep with your best friend periodically. You can be polyamorous and have casual sex partners, platonic life partners, and romantic partners. The options really are endless.”

I asked Zane if he’s ever felt emotionally cheated on. “LOL — no one cheats on me. All my partners are obsessed, and it’s hella annoying.” Geminis.

From a heteronormative, monogamous perspective, it’s probably hard to understand how emotional cheating could even happen to a queer person in a poly relationship. After all, doesn’t polyamory translate to “many loves?” It does, but the whole “ethical” part in ethical non-monogamy (ENM) necessitates communication to ensure that boundaries are respected.

“Emotional cheating can occur in ENM when expectations are not communicated properly,” Zane explains. “As a rule of thumb, if you’re hiding something, lying to your partner about something you’re doing or feeling towards someone else, then you’re likely cheating to some degree.”

Of course, not every queer person is in an open relationship, and it’s rude to assume so. But it is true that queer people — many of whom couldn’t even marry their long-term partners until recently — tend to find new and chosen families. “These relationships are frequently emotionally close and, for some folks, can at times seem to blur lines of what is strictly friendship and what may cross into something different or more,” says Dr. Laura Obert, a licensed psychologist and LGBTQ+ coach. “For those who have a primary committed relationship, this may lay the groundwork for emotional cheating being inadvertently more accessible if the relational boundaries are not clear.”

Bisexual “Sober Sexpert” Tawny Lara notes that while it is important to establish boundaries to prevent emotional cheating, in her experience, it’s also crucial to remember that one person cannot fulfill all of your needs, even if you are monogamous. “It’s important to have strong friendships outside of your partner(s). Expecting one person to satiate your every desire is unrealistic. It’s also important to discern healthy, external friendships from what you know in your gut to be emotional infidelity. And that’s a line that only you can draw for yourself.”

Lara says she has emotionally cheated in the past to satisfy a romantic void which she wasn’t getting at home. “On The Office, I see Jim and Pam’s relationship while she was with Roy as emotional infidelity. She confided in Jim, cried to Jim, had an intimate connection with Jim for years before they finally kissed, and she left her fiancé.” Not only can Lara pull fantastic pop culture references out of thin air, but she has been on both sides of the emotional-cheating equation. Lara found out that a former partner was texting his ex for weeks, including during a surprise birthday party she threw for him.

“I saw the ‘I miss you too’ texts pop up on his phone and was completely devastated,” she remembers. “It’s hard to compare that pain to the pain felt from a physical affair, but I definitely think there’s a difference between having a long-term emotional connection with someone versus a one-time fling. They can both cause pain, but an emotional affair has a particular sting to it.”

During the isolation of lockdown, physical cheating became more high-stakes than ever. While emotional pain and STIs are always risks, now you could get the potentially fatal COVID-19 virus from kissing. Unless you live with your partner, you likely couldn’t even regularly have sex with them.

While we couldn’t go to bars or sex clubs, we certainly could spend time on social media — perhaps too much time. Who didn’t end up at least chatting up an ex after sliding into their DMs one lonely night to make sure they were still alive? “It would make perfect sense that people reached out virtually and emotionally to find a sense of connection and meaning in a world that seemed to have gone sideways,” says Shut Up and Listen to Yourself author and LGBTQ+ therapist Dr. Joshua Estrin. Does this count as emotional cheating? Maybe, or maybe it would be par for the course in your queer friend group. We are pretty good at staying friends with our exes, after all. Ultimately, it’s up to you and your partner(s) to decide what kind of digital communication with current or former paramours is or isn’t permissible.

There’s truth to some stereotypes. Yes, some queer relationships between two women can provide more emotional availability than what your average straight girl is used to receiving from the West Elm Calebs of the world. And sure, some queer men are probably better at handling jealousy than the presumably cis, straight girls West Elm Caleb attracts.

Being part of the LGBTQ+ rainbow is fabulous, but lines can get blurry with all of those colors. Like everything, defining and identifying emotional cheating within a queer relationship requires communication and boundaries. You’ll hurt yourself and others without boundaries, whether it’s the fallout after your secret Zoom dates with an ex during the pandemic inevitably explode, or after you end up telling your boss things your partner doesn’t even know. Boundaries are essential, which is why I’m proud of my aforementioned ex for blocking me even though we ended on rough terms.

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Can Xanax Cause Erectile Dysfunction?

By Laura Dorwart

Xanax (alprazolam) can cause sexual side effects, including low libido (sex drive) and erectile dysfunction (ED).1 Xanax is a prescription medication used to treat anxiety disorders, such as generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and panic disorder. It is also sometimes used to treat insomnia, muscle spasms, and seizures.2

Xanax belongs to the benzodiazepine drug class, which works by slowing down central nervous system (CNS) activity. Some of the most common side effects of Xanax include drowsiness, dry mouth, irritability, dizziness, headache, and difficulty concentrating.2

This article will discuss why Xanax causes sexual dysfunction for some people, how to manage Xanax and ED, and more.

Does Xanax Cause ED?

Many prescription medications used to treat mental health conditions have sexual side effects. Recent research shows that Xanax (alprazolam) has been linked to erectile dysfunction (ED). ED can involve difficulty getting or sustaining an erection, abnormal ejaculation, and delayed or diminished orgasms.3

In clinical trials, people who were taking Xanax for symptoms of panic disorder experienced sexual dysfunction. Of the people who took Xanax, 7.4% reported having sexual side effects compared to 3.7% of people who were given a placebo (an inactive pill).4

In another study, people with panic disorder symptoms experienced a reduced sex drive, orgasm dysfunction, and ED when taking Xanax.5 Results from a Boston Area Community Health Survey in 2013 also associated long-term benzodiazepine use with increased ED symptoms among people aged 30 to 79.1

Xanax Sexual Side Effects

Xanax has been linked to a number of possible sexual side effects, including:

The risk of sexual side effects from Xanax may increase for people who take it more often, for a longer period of time, and/or at a higher dose. A 2018 case study revealed that higher doses of alprazolam could raise the risk for anorgasmia among male patients.6

Causes of Erectile Dysfunction

It’s not entirely clear why Xanax sometimes causes ED. However, researchers believe that the answer could be related to how the drug affects the central nervous system (CNS). 

Benzodiazepines like Xanax work by slowing down CNS activity and increasing the levels in the brain of certain neurotransmitters (chemicals that carry signals between nerve cells), specifically dopamine and gamma amino-butryric acid (GABA)—a neurotransmitter that acts as a sort of sedative.7

While this mechanism effectively reduces stress, it may have the same inhibitory effect on libido and sex drive. Low libido can lead to ED and other kinds of sexual dysfunction.

Even if your ED symptoms started around the time you began taking Xanax, it’s possible that your symptoms are due to another physical or mental health condition. Other common causes for ED may include:3

Most people take Xanax to treat symptoms of anxiety and other mental health conditions. Because anxiety and depression have both been linked to (and can exacerbate) ED, it’s important to address your underlying conditions as well as any sexual side effects you might experience from Xanax.8

Managing Erectile Dysfunction on Xanax

There are several possible ways to manage Xanax-related sexual dysfunction, including:

  • Lowering your dose: Under the supervision of your healthcare provider, you might be able to take a lower dose of Xanax to decrease the severity of sexual side effects.6
  • Taking Xanax less frequently: Chronic and frequent use of benzodiazepines is linked to higher rates of ED.1 Taking Xanax less often may improve your sexual functioning. Discuss your dosing schedule with your healthcare provider.
  • Switching to another medication: Your healthcare provider might be able to prescribe another antianxiety medication with a lower risk of ED.
  • Taking medications for ED: Taking prescription medications to treat ED may counteract the sexual side effects of Xanax.
  • Treating underlying conditions: Treating the symptoms of underlying conditions, such as anxiety and depression, can improve your overall sexual health.

Talk to Your Healthcare Provider

If you experience ED or other sexual side effects while taking Xanax, talk to your healthcare provider. They may be able to prescribe another medication, lower your dose, or refer you to another specialist who can help.

Summary

Xanax (alprazolam) is a common prescription medication that belongs to the class of drugs known as benzodiazepines. Usually, Xanax is prescribed to treat anxiety disorders and panic disorder. It may also be prescribed to treat seizures, insomnia, and muscle spasms.

Some people who use Xanax report experiencing sexual side effects. In addition to erectile dysfunction (ED), some people with Xanax experience reduced sex drive, anorgasmia, problems with ejaculation, and orgasm dysfunction. These sexual side effects may be due to the drug’s effects on the central nervous system.

People who experience ED while taking Xanax should talk to their healthcare provider about how their treatment could be modified to reduce this side effect.

A Word From Verywell

If you are experiencing sexual side effects while taking Xanax, don’t be afraid to reach out to your healthcare provider. They can offer alternatives and other solutions to help you treat your condition while improving your sexual functioning.

Frequently Asked Questions

  • How does antidepressant medication cause erectile dysfunction?
    Antidepressant medications and other psychotropic drugs can cause erectile dysfunction (ED) by affecting the activity of hormones and neurotransmitters. For example, selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) may cause sexual side effects due to the drug’s impact on serotonin, dopamine, and testosterone levels.9

    Xanax (alprazolam), which is usually prescribed to treat anxiety, may cause ED and reduce sexual drive by slowing down central nervous system activity.7

  • What are the other side effects of Xanax?
    In addition to sexual side effects such as erectile dysfunction and low libido, Xanax can cause side effects like headache, drowsiness, irritability, difficulty concentrating, difficulty urinating, dizziness, nausea, constipation, and changes in appetite.

    More severe side effects may include difficulty breathing, skin rashes, problems with speech or coordination, seizures, and disorientation.2 If you have any of these side effects, seek medical attention immediately.

  • Does Xanax lower testosterone?
    It’s unclear exactly how Xanax (alprazolam) affects testosterone levels, as research is limited. The only study found was an older one on rats that showed Xanax did not affect testosterone levels.10

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    Everything You Need to Know About Sexual Styles

    —Including How They Affect Your Relationships

    By Rebecca Norris

    The term “sexual styles” might first make you think of images of popular sex positions. In actuality, the phrase refers to the way in which you regard sex. Like love languages, sexual styles play a key role in how satisfied you are with your sex life (and life at large). Not sure what your sexual style is? Keep reading to learn everything you need to know about them.

    What are sex styles?

    Relationship and sex therapist Carolina Pataky, LFMT, the co-founder of the Love Discovery Institute in Florida, says that a lot affects how we connect on an individual level within relationships. “For some, building a personal, emotional connection comes first,” she says. “For others, it’s letting the sexual chemistry play a role in how the relationship transforms and develops.” That said, Pataky points out that a relationship’s initial amount of passion tends to last only from six months up to two years.

    That’s why knowing your sexual style is so beneficial. “The key to maintaining a healthy, sexual life with your partner is to create a sexual style that fits in your relationship with you and your partner to enhance the intimacy, desire, and connection between the two to continue growing and developing a healthy relationship,” she explains, noting that it plays into the entire duration of a relationship. Find out how to discover your sexual style is, below.

    Complementary

    This is the most common sex style. According to award-winning sexologist Goody Howard, the complementary sexual style focuses on both partners initiating sex acts, as well as other less sexual forms of intimacy (such as meaningful communication). “It’s a balance of personal pleasure and couple intimacy where both partners are responsible for initiation and intimacy,” she explains.

    Tacking onto this, Pataky says that having a complementary sex style means that both you and your partner are vocal about your sexual needs. “Couples who act on this type of sexual style value intimacy and eroticism in a balanced form and have the confidence and comfort to act out on their sexual fantasies,” she says.

    Pataky says that this sexual style comes with a downside, though. “Some couples may fall into treating sex as a routine versus maintaining the passion needed to maintain a healthy sex life,” she says. “In some cases, couples who have had a baby tend to get caught up in the parenting life, losing their value within their personal life, which causes them to lose intimacy and playfulness in eroticism.”

    Traditional

    The traditional sexual style—which is also very popular—is all about gender roles. “The masculine partner initiates and the feminine partner is responsible for intimacy (nonsexual love),” Howard explains. (Note that anybody, of any gender, can feel masculine or feminine.)

    Although this sex style is known for its stability, security, and clarity, Pataky says that it can lead to trouble down the road. If the masculine partner is responsible for initiating sexual acts, that can lead the feminine partner to feel unwanted if sex drives start to dwindle. And, since the feminine partner is “responsible” for intimate communication, it won’t be discussed until they bring it up.

    Soulmate

    The soulmate sexual style is best described as being best friends and partners. “Couples share intimacy and erotic pleasure at an almost cellular level that accepts the good, bad, and ugly of each person,” Howard says.

    In that way, the soulmate sexual style is heavily based in validation and acceptance. “It entails sharing intimate moments and eroticism with your partner, both sides accepting each other—faults and all—as well as giving each additional validation from emotional and sexual standpoints,” Pataky explains.

    In learning so much about a partner, though, the soulmate sex style can lead to de-eroticizing each other, Pataky warns. “You can end up feeling disappointed by your partner if they fail to meet unrealistic expectations, such as being unable to cope successfully if affairs occur,” she explains.

    Emotionally expressive

    While being emotionally open is a fantastic trait, the emotionally expressive sex style refers to passionate, yet volatile relationships. “[People with this style] use sex to resolve conflict and connect emotionally, so it burns hot, bright, and fast,” Howard explains. Pataky notes that couples with this style tend to be playful and open to sexual experimentation. “They are highly erotic and show high amounts of intensity for sex,” she says.

    The problem is, when you rely solely on sex as a coping mechanism—instead of actually discussing issues that arise—these relationships often fizzle out or implode. “Couples can become too emotional, and their sexual drama can emotionally and physically drain their bond, potentially threatening their stability,” Pataky explains. “They usually use sex to avoid their issues in the relationship, which can wear their partners out both emotionally and physically.”

    What’s my sexual style?

    Sex styles aren’t something you choose; instead, they’re about how you show up (and react) in your relationships. “If you like to initiate and receive advances, you’re probably a complementary style; if you prefer to only initiate or only receive advances, you’re probably more of a traditional sex style,” Howard says. People who prefer to be super connected emotionally to their partners are likely soulmate folks. As for someone who enjoys passion and drama in their sexual connections? Most likely an emotionally expressive person.

    Are all sexual styles compatible?

    While there’s no hard and fast rule for this, Howard says that partners with the same style tend to work best together. (“If styles were to co-mingle, though, I think complementary and soulmate styles would be the most successful,” she adds.)

    Sexual styles go beyond sex

    Sex styles impact more than just physical acts of sex. For the soulmate style, Howard says that an emotional connection is almost as important as sex. As such, their relationship, and emotions toward it as a whole, can play into how satisfied they feel during sex.

    On the opposite end of the spectrum, Howard points out that emotionally expressive folks typically avoid emotional intimacy with sex. Instead, it’s all about the act. As for complementary and traditional types, that’s where the  emotional balance and engagement come into play—hence why they’re the two most popular sex styles.

    Wherever you fall, Pataky says that getting to know which sexual style works for you will help you find the partnership that fulfills you the most. “[Discovering your sexual style is] ideal in creating those intimate moments special to you since not every sexual style is perfect for every couple,” she explains. “You have to discover the likes and dislikes of each partner, your desires, and your feelings and values—and select the balance of intimacy and eroticism that will enhance the sexual desires within the relationship.”

    Can a person’s sexual style change over time?

    Although people don’t initially choose their sex style, Howards says that, over time, they can focus on what they want and grow in that direction. “Similar to a person’s palate for food, pleasure scripts can also change and evolve throughout the lifespan,” she says. “This includes, but is not limited to sexual style.” So if you tended to be emotionally expressive or soulmate-oriented in your 20s, you might find more fulfillment in a more stable complementary or traditional bond as you age.

    Ultimately, developing your sexual style goes hand-in-hand with long-term satisfaction. “When choosing a sexual style, the essential thing is to be mindful of any vulnerabilities in all the sexual types to avoid subverting a couple’s sexuality,” Pataky says—hence why she’s quick to acknowledge the downsides of each. “The critical thing is to emphasize all the strengths in your chosen sexual style and not be ashamed or embarrassed to celebrate your sexual desires with your partner as you explore your options together.”

    That said, it’s also important to understand the role that sex should play in your relationships—or, at least, relationships that you hope to withstand the test of time. “Keep in mind that you want to choose a style that’s mutually accepted, facilitating satisfaction, pleasure, and sexual desires,” Pataky says. “Sexuality should have a role of about 15 to 20 percent in your relationship to help the vitality and your sexual happiness.”

    One more thing

    Sex styles aren’t the most heavily-researched topic in the advancement of sexual education. “I’d like to see some research on the prevalence of sexual style by community, orientation, gender identity, socioeconomic status, and so on,” Howard says. “Everything I read about this theory was from white, educated women and it was extremely heteronormative.”

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    My Culture Taught Me Sex is for Putas

    — Here’s How I’m Unlearning Shame

    By Jacqueline Delgadillo

    “If she’s slept with more than one man, she’s a puta,” my tía told my mom during her visit to our home in Riverside, California. I was 22 years old, and I felt heat rising to my face. I prayed no one could read the guilt in my sweat. According to my aunt’s definition, I was a puta—and her daughter was one, too. I was ashamed.

    In traditional Latinx culture, sex is reserved for cis, straight men and women after they’ve wed. Virginity—albeit a social construct—is something sacred; it belongs to your future spouse, your parents, or a higher power, but certainly not to you. Those who own their sexuality, indulge in sexual pleasure, enjoy multiple partners, or dare to speak about their sensual desires are shamed and outcasted with words like “puta” and “sucia.” By claiming their sexuality, these women are a threat to the status quo and are condemned by the same culture that celebrates male sexual prowess.

    Those who own their sexuality, indulge in sexual pleasure, enjoy multiple partners, or dare to speak about their sensual desires are shamed and outcasted.

    Growing up hearing these ideologies, I’ve often been left with more questions than answers. Thankfully, social media has introduced me to women and femmes who own their sexuality and provide sex education. Connecting with other sexually liberated folks has reminded me that I’m the CEO of my body and I’m also not alone in my journey to reclaim my sexuality and desire for myself. As I scroll through Instagram, I see Latinas and Latinx femmes talking openly about sex and finding their sexy, whatever that looks like for them. For the first time, this level of sexual and bodily autonomy seems within reach for us—except so many of us still feel icky during self-intimacy, are scared about increasing our so-called body count, and would rather give up sex altogether than have abuelita know what we do in our bedrooms late at night.

    Even when the world around us seems to make progress, there remains a tumultuous internal battle around sexual shame—and memes alone won’t heal us. Unlearning the harmful messages and feelings we’ve been taught to associate with sex and pleasure takes time and mind-body work. We spoke with four sex experts who share their advice on healing sex shame, no matter where you are on your journey.

    Irma Garcia, CSE, Sex Educator and Creator of Dirty South Sex Ed, Texas

    I lead abortion access work at Jane’s Due Process, a nonprofit organization in Texas that helps minors obtain a judicial bypass for abortions. I’m also a sex educator; in 2020, I created Dirty South Sex Ed to help my community of Black and brown folks release their sexual shame. I wanted to present sexual health information in a very relatable and palpable way.

    I was raised in a culturally conservative and religious town where young women, especially in Black and brown communities, are told that they have to present a certain way in order to be seen and valued as respectable, and that always bugged me. Since I was a young person, I’ve always been in touch with my sexuality. When I took Women’s and Gender Studies classes at the University of Texas at Austin, I was able to gain the language that I needed to talk about my experiences and found a community that helped me be my most authentic self. Stepping out of that shame and voicing my opinions on sexuality, respectability politics, and purity culture have all been freeing for me.

    As a certified sex educator, I recommend anyone who is experiencing sexual shame to try engaging in self-pleasure. For some, this could mean masturbation, but this level of self-intimacy isn’t for everyone. If you feel uneasy touching yourself, engage in other forms of pleasure like eating a cupcake (there’s a lot of stigma around food as well), resting, or doing anything that brings you joy, period. Practice giving yourself that “yes” and honoring it; this will help make it easier for you to say “yes” to sexual pleasure when you’re ready.

    Still, overcoming sex shame isn’t a goal you can achieve quickly. It’s about healing, and healing can be a lifelong journey. You can be sexually liberated and still carry some shame. Wherever you are in your journey is valid, and it’s important to see sexuality as just another component of your overall well-being.

    Dr. Janet Brito, Certified Sex Therapist and Sexual Health Educator, Hawaii

    I’m the CEO of the Hawaii Center for Sexual Relationship Health, a therapeutic sex-positive practice devoted to helping people manage difficult aspects of their sexuality, gender, and reproductive health. While in this role I now mostly focus on program development, supervision, and management, I still wear a clinical hat, providing sex therapy for individuals and couples. I also run the Sexual Health School, which is an online training program for individuals who want to be trained in sex therapy.

    As a queer woman, it took my family many years to accept my sexual identity and my partners. It was the most painful thing in my life. I dealt with it by studying human sexuality in school. It was so liberating to learn about sexual health and the diversity of human sexuality. I felt like I was home. I understood that nothing was wrong with me but that there was a lot wrong with society and its scripts around gender, sexual orientation, and sexuality. I wanted to give this feeling of home and freedom to others.

    For some people, the struggle isn’t around their sexual orientation but rather their preferences. They might feel a lot of shame around being aroused by something atypical, wanting a threesome, or exploring a polyamorous relationship. There’s so much shame around doing things that are nontraditional, and there’s a lot of unnecessary pain caused by the scripts imposed on us

    As a sex therapist, it’s important for me to validate where this shame comes from. For Latinxs, some of these scripts are defined by marianismo, which values harmony, inner strength, self-sacrifice, and morality in women, and famialismo, which promotes dedication, commitment, and loyalty to family. These are beautiful traditions and they’re part of our culture, but if we hang on to something too rigidly, then it can be harmful. However, sometimes there’s some grief and loss that comes with retiring cultural values and traditions. Some can wonder, Am I betraying my culture? It’s scary. But it’s not about letting go of culture and the values that make up the richness of our community; it’s about being open to other possibilities that are not as limiting.

    Rebecca Alvarez Story, Sexologist and Co-Founder & CEO of Bloomi, California

    I’ve been a sexologist for more than 10 years. As part of my work, I provide coaching for a variety of intimacy topics for singles and couples. I’m also a consultant for multiple projects, like company education and product development. About three years ago, my two worlds came together when I started a sexual wellness and intimacy company called Bloomi.

    While there was a lot of sex positivity in the world, I realized it was hard to find in the real world. My parents did their best; we had that big awkward sex talk. But in high school, I had abstinence-only sex education. It left me curious, and I felt shame in wanting to know more. I didn’t have any conversations about sexual pleasure until I got to college. Understanding how healing and empowering these discussions were for me, I helped UC Berkeley create the first sexual wellness major. I later went into a master’s program in sexology, thinking, I’m going to make my own career out of this. I think the world needs this.

    Growing up in a Latinx household, these conversations were uncomfortable. It reminds me so much of the cultural phenomenon going on right now with Encanto’s “We Don’t Talk About Bruno.” I think so many Latinxs resonated with that song because we don’t talk about uncomfortable topics. We don’t talk about our bodies. We don’t talk about pleasure. But to heal shame and stigma we must be open about it, even if it’s to ourselves or our communities

    When it comes to healing sexual shame, it’s important to surround yourself with people who are sex-positive. This can be friends, a tía, a cousin, or anyone else. What’s important is to build a community you can lean on with these types of topics and conversations. This way, you can exist very confidently around people who hold shameful ideologies without absorbing it in the same way.

    One of the beautiful things about sexuality and our sex lives is that our desires will change throughout our life. Give yourself permission to unlearn what doesn’t serve you. One way to do this is by exploring your body and interests so you learn what does work for you. Create a life that’s full of intentional pleasure; that’s what helped make a difference for me.

    Stephanie Orozco, Podcast Host of Tales from the Clit, Boston

    Trigger Warning: Sexual Violence

    I’m the host of Tales from the Clit, a storytelling sex education podcast, and also a graduate student studying sex, sexuality, and gender as part of my Public Health master’s degree at Boston University. In many ways, my interest in sexuality and passion to destigmatize consensual sex is rooted in being sexually assaulted as a child.

    I grew up in a Mexican immigrant community, and I felt like I couldn’t turn to anyone to talk about what had happened to me. I also went to a public school in Southern California that didn’t have comprehensive sex education or instruction on consent. Alone and confused, I thought I was pregnant for eight years after I was assaulted.

    For years, I carried a lot of pain, doubt, and shame. I have post-traumatic stress disorder and have been in therapy on and off for 15 years. There wasn’t one particular thing that made me realize what I had experienced was sexual assault, but there was so much shame and pain attached to the experience that I started going to therapy because I knew it wasn’t something I could process on my own. At the time, I was so uncomfortable just being naked. To heal my relationship with my body, I first tried getting comfortable with being naked. I would hang out in my underwear while watching TV in my room alone. No one else needed to be a part of that. Once I started making peace with my body, including the parts that I didn’t like very much, it made it easier for me to think about consensual sex and be nude in front of other people.

    In 2014, when I was 21 years old and had started learning about sex, consent, and pleasure through sex educators like Sex Nerd Sandra, I started to organize sexual health events in my community. As a member of my college’s Social Observation Club, I put together a sexual health fair, panels, and interactive activities where people felt safe enough to ask questions. I set out to be the kind of sex educator that my younger self needed when I was lost and afraid. I wanted to teach comprehensive sex education that is culturally relevant to my community.

    Healing sex shame is a long-term project. This is not going to be fixed by learning how to orgasm or where the clit is. There’s more to sex education than just talking about managing STIs and pregnancy; there is anatomy, consent, and pleasure. But this isn’t going to be normalized in our communities overnight. It has to be intergenerational, and it has to start with our generation.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    What to know about managing sexual frustration

    Sexual frustration describes a state of irritation, agitation, or stress resulting from sexual inactivity or dissatisfaction. There are many possible causes of this sensation, and it can manifest differently from person to person. Individuals experiencing sexual frustration may benefit from finding other outlets for releasing their sexual energies.

    by Rachel Ann Tee-Melegrito

    Sexual frustration is a natural response that many people experience at one time or another. It refers to an imbalance between a person’s sexual desires and their reality. Some people assume sexual frustration only applies to those with a high sex drive. However, it occurs in anyone whose sexual arousal is not met with sufficient activity, leading to tension.

    Sexual behavior is a complex human endeavor that can affect physical and mental well-being. While sexual frustration can present differently among individuals, it can cause negative health effects and lead to anger, recklessness, anxiety, and depression.

    In this article, we explore the concept of sexual frustration, the possible signs, how it can impact health, and how individuals can manage this condition.

    Many people view sexual experiences as an essentialTrusted Source aspect of their quality of life. Having unmet sexual desires may lead to feelings of discontent. Sexual frustration does not refer to a person’s libido. Instead, it describes a person being unable to satisfy the sexual arousal they are experiencing.

    Sexual frustration is a common experience, and it can affect many people regardless of age, gender, sexuality, and relationship status. Many factors can contribute to this sensation, including sexual inactivity, sexual dissatisfaction, or sexual dysfunction.

    There are no known health conditions associated with sexual frustration. A 2018 surveyTrusted Source found that “sexless” Americans report similar levels of happiness as their sexually active counterparts.

    However, a 2021 study indicates that sexual frustration may increase the risk of violence, aggression, and crime. Restrained sexual behaviors may also negatively affect a person’s efficiency at work, according to a 2016 study.

    Evidence suggests an association between sexual and mental health. A 2020 studyTrusted Source notes an association between sexual dissatisfaction and depressive symptoms and lower rates of mental well-being.

    A person experiencing sexual frustration may also begin displaying reckless behaviors. In an attempt to satisfy their sexual urges, a person may engage in riskier sexual activitiesTrusted Source, which could lead to unintentional health outcomes such as sexually transmitted infection (STI) and unintended pregnancy.

    It may be easy for people to experience stress and tension in other areas of life and attribute them to sexual frustration. A person can begin by assessing their current mood. If they are primarily projecting negative emotions and there is no obvious nonsexual cause, then it may relate to sexual frustration.

    Potential symptoms and behaviors that could stem from or connect to sexual frustration can include:

    • feeling irritable, restless, and edgy
    • experiencing rejection from recent sexual advances
    • feeling less confident or less interested in sex
    • having less sex, masturbating less, or both
    • having sexual expectations that partners are unable to fulfill
    • performing riskier behaviors to fulfill sexual desires
    • feeling too stressed or tired to have sex or masturbate, even when there is a desire to do so
    • arguing with a partner more often and steering arguments back to the topic of sex
    • engaging in unhealthy coping behaviors such as binge eating or drinking
    • frequently fantasizing or daydreaming about sex
    • watching porn or movies with many intimate scenes

    There are many potential reasons for sexual frustration. These could include a lack of sex, unsatisfactory sex, or the inability to achieve orgasm. Understanding the cause may help a person resolve potential issues.

    Lack of sexual partners

    A person may be ready for sex but lack a partner. They may be single or in a long-distance relationship, or they may have a partner who does not want to — or cannot — have sex with them at the moment.

    Unmet expectations

    A sexual partner may impose impossible standards, criticize sexual performance, or want to engage in undesired activities. All of these behaviors may contribute to a person experiencing feelings of frustration, shame, and self-blame.

    Poor communication

    In some cases, the frustration may stem from an inability to communicateTrusted Source sexual needs or expectations.

    Some individuals may not be sexually compatible and may have sizable differences in their sex drives. Openly communicating about their desires may enable sexual partners to negotiate and discuss ways to meet each other’s needs. This can help people become more attuned to their partner’s needs and facilitate more satisfying sex.

    Medical conditions

    A 2016 studyTrusted Source suggests that people with poorer health report lower sexual satisfaction. Poor health and health-related changes such as pregnancy, childbirth, recent surgery, and illness may prevent a person from engaging in sex, which can cause their partner to be frustrated.

    Other medical conditions that may result in sexual problems include:

    Moreover, taking certain medications, such as antidepressants, opioids, birth control pills, and beta-blockers, can negatively affect a person’s libido.

    Body image issues

    A 2018 study indicates that females with genital self-image issues were less likely to engage in vaginal sex. Similarly, a 2017 studyTrusted Source notes that men’s negative attitudes about their genitals also had a direct, negative effect on their sexual satisfaction. As such, they may experience some level of sexual inhibition.

    If a person believes they are experiencing sexual frustration, they may wish to consider other outlets to help release their pent-up sexual energies. This may include:

    • Focusing on health: A person who meets their nonsexual requirements, such as nutrition and sleep, can better focus on meeting their sexual needs.
    • Masturbation: Self-stimulation can help a person release their pent-up physical and mental tension while benefitting from the same hormones released during sex.
    • Connect with friends: People are social creatures and may experience touch starvation that is nonsexual in nature. Meeting with friends may ease a person’s physical cravings for nonsexual intimacy.
    • Exercising: Physical activities can be an excellent way to release energy and also help boost a person’s mood.
    • Initiate sex: People in long-term relationships tend to have less spontaneous sex. A person can initiate sex by simply verbalizing their desire. Even a simple nudge or gesture can be enough to instigate intercourse.
    • Virtual sex: Individuals who cannot be with a partner can explore sexting, video sex, or phone sex. Sending each other nudes can help create feelings of intimacy despite the distance.
    • Communication: Openly expressing sexual needs and desires can help avoid dissatisfaction. A person can show their partner what they enjoy, voice their exact preferences, and plan how to spice things up.
    • Dating: People who wish to enter a relationship or engage in casual sex can use apps, dating sites, and other means to connect with other individuals.
    • Explore and add variety: People can explore their own bodies and their partner’s, use sex toys, and try new positions.
    • Channel the energy elsewhere: Volunteering, beginning a creative project, attending social events, visiting family and friends, or learning a new skill can be good ways to take a person’s mind off sex.
    • Listen to music: Music can improve a person’s mood and ease their frustration, even if they cannot get the sexual need they want at the moment.
    • Take medications: Sometimes, sexual frustration stems from a person’s sexual performance issues, such as erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation. Receiving treatment for these can help improve a person’s sexual experience and reduce frustration.

    A 2017 studyTrusted Source of sexual satisfaction in relationships found that males report more significant sexual distress due to their sexual problems, with the highest distress ratings being among older adults. In contrast, females report greater sexual satisfaction. Moreover, the study, which looked primarily at heterosexual couples, reported the following partner effects:

    • Greater sexual distress among male partners causes lower satisfaction in females.
    • Males who find a greater sexual desire discrepancy between themselves and their partners also report lower satisfaction.
    • The more significant the female’s sexual function, the greater the male partner’s sexual satisfaction is.

    In a related 2015 studyTrusted Source, researchers found a discrepancy between a person’s reported sexual dissatisfaction and sexual dysfunction and those perceived by their spouses. The study found that partners were less likely to accurately perceive male sexual problems than female sexual problems.

    A 2020 study notes that bisexual people are more dissatisfied with their sex lives than their heterosexual counterparts.

    Sexual satisfaction is associated with relationship stability and healthy relationships. A 2018 study suggests that having high sexual satisfaction early in the relationship protects against declines in relationship satisfaction for over 20 years.

    A 2019 review notes that a set of intrapersonal, interpersonal, and environmental factors can affect the health of marital relationships. Sexual relationships, along with constructive relationships and communication skills, fall under interpersonal factors in this study.

    If a person’s sexual frustrations begin to affect other areas of their life, they may consider speaking with an expert.

    Regardless of their relationship status, a person can consult a sex therapist for their concerns about sex, body image, intimacy, sexual shame, and sexual frustration. These experts can help individuals express their needs and fantasies and reconcile their mismatched sexual drives with sexual partners.

    Sexual frustration relates to dissatisfaction with sexual experience due to a disparity between sexual desires and reality. It can involve a variety of causes and may manifest differently between individuals. People can take measures both personally and with a partner to overcome these sensations of disconnect and instead encourage a sense of fulfillment.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    What to know about mismatched sex drives

    People in a relationship may differ in how much sex they want. Mismatched sex drives are common but may cause a strain in a relationship if the couple does not learn to manage their differences

    by Rachel Ann Tee-Melegrito

    Every couple experiences situations where one person’s sexual needs do not align with their partner’s. These situations are called sexual interdependence dilemmas.

    Mismatched sex drives, or sex drive discrepancy (SDD), is the most common of these situations.

    A 2017 study even found that around 34% of women and 15% of men report having no interest in sex at all.

    This article explores mismatched sex drives, what causes the issue, how it can affect relationships, and what couples can do to manage the situation.

    Sex drive is the motivation or desire to behave sexually or engage in sexual activities.

    Also called libido, sexual desire is an aspect of a person’s sexuality. It varies from person to person. There is no such thing as a normal sex drive. People’s interest in and desire for sex is different and may change over time.

    Sex drive mismatch is when one person experiences more or less sexual desire compared with their partner.

    Author and researcher Emily Nagoski notes two types of sexual desire in her book.

    Spontaneous sexual desire

    As the name implies, this form of desire happens randomly, with or without stimulation. This desire supports the linear view of sexuality that begins with desire, followed by excitement, finally leading to orgasm.

    Nagoski states that around 70% of men have this type of sexual desire while only about 10–20% of women do.

    Responsive sexual desire

    Some people experience desire as a response to mental or physical stimulation, not from the anticipation of it. Compared with spontaneous desire, responsive sexual desire is more deliberate.

    It occurs after an external stimulus, such as watching a kissing scene on television or a partner touching them. This causes a person to feel a desire for sex.

    People’s sex drives tend to wax and wane. Many factors can affect sex drive.

    Medical factors

    Conditions that affect a person’s hormones, including pregnancy and menopause, can cause changes in a female’s libido.

    Similarly, males produce less testosterone as they age, which can cause a decline in their sex drives.

    Some may have conditions that indirectly affect libido, such as depression. Hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) is when a person lacks the desire or motivation to have sex.

    Taking certain medications such as beta-blockers and antidepressants can also negatively affect a person’s libido.

    Aside from medical reasons, other factors can affect a sex drive of a person in a long-term relationship, as outlined in a 2018 systematic reviewTrusted Source.

    Individual factors

    These are factors that reside within the person that can affect sex drive. The following may cause sex drive to change over time:

    • level of attraction
    • understanding among couples that sexual desires fluctuate
    • feelings of having a separate identity from the couple’s identity
    • self-esteem and confidence

    Stress and fatigue may negatively impact sex drives.

    Interpersonal factors

    These are factors that exist within the context of long-term relationships. They include:

    • the couple’s responsiveness to each other
    • perceived compatibility
    • communication
    • relationship satisfaction

    The 2018 reviewTrusted Source also mentioned that sexual desire decreases as the relationship lengthens, but this was only true for women. Emotional intimacy also increases desire, and higher levels of intimacy reduce the likelihood of having low desire.

    Monotony and being overfamiliar with a partner dampen sexual desire.

    Societal factors

    These are societal influences that affect a couple’s sexual desire. These include gender expectations, expectations for couples to participate equally in the relationship, and sexual attitudes that people may consider taboo.

    When people do not address mismatched sex drives, it may lead to an unpleasant relationship dynamic.

    Partners with high sex drives who repeatedly experience rejection may develop low self-esteem and resentment toward their partners, while the people with low sex drives may feel guilty, overwhelmed, and pressured.

    A 2015 study suggests that sex drive discrepancy negatively affects sexual and relational satisfaction. However, these outcomes might be more pronounced in people in long-term relationships compared with those in short-term ones.

    Low sexual satisfaction seems to have a compounding effect on overall satisfaction. While high sexual satisfaction reported by couples contributes to 15–20%Trusted Source of their overall satisfaction, reports of low sexual satisfaction in couples contribute to 50–70%Trusted Source of their overall satisfaction.

    Couples can consider several tips and strategies to reduce the discrepancy and improve their sex lives.

    Be comfortable talking about sex

    While sex can be a sensitive subject, especially when there is a mismatch in libido, talking about it is essential. Respectfully communicating about each other’s feelings, insecurities, desires, and the reason for the low desire can lead to a better understanding of the issue.

    Be understanding

    Even if a partner does not understand the other person’s experience or situation, showing empathy through validation, listening, and withholding judgment can help couples navigate the mismatch better.

    Having a safe space where couples can freely talk about their differences without being critical or defensive can help rekindle the spark.

    Make compromises

    Sometimes, some people are just not as sexual as their partners. A person with low libido can meet their partner halfway by still engaging in sex despite having a low sex drive.

    A 2015 study found that partners with high communal strength or those who are motivated to care about and be more responsive to their partners reported enhanced sexual and relationship satisfaction.

    However, couples willing to compromise are not restricted to sex. They can also consider alternatives.

    In a 2020 studyTrusted Source on couples’ strategies for dealing with differences in sexual desire, masturbation is the most common strategy reported by participants.

    Other alternatives to penetrative sex include oral sex, manual stimulation, and using sex toys on each other. Couples can also engage in activities that may trigger desire, such as watching intimate movies together.

    Redefine sex

    Many couples think that sex is limited to penetration.

    However, oral sex and mutual masturbation are alternatives to penetration that couples can enjoy.

    Schedule it

    Life is hectic. Scheduling sex can help couples plan and work around their schedules, so there are no competing demands to worry about.

    Planning sex can help map out the best time when both people have the most energy. It can also help build anticipation and ensure that both are physically, emotionally, and mentally ready for sex.

    Set the tone

    While sexual intercourse lasts only for a few minutes, the events beforehand are just as important. Aside from kissing and touching, everything else that happens before sex is part of foreplay.

    Making pleasure and satisfaction a part of their whole day can help people’s bodies prepare for sexual pleasure.

    Driving a partner to work, preparing their food, having a thoughtful conversation, and giving them compliments are just some of the things couples can do to set the mood.

    Certified therapists and counselors can help people and couples manage mismatched libidos.

    Couples can locate a certified counselor or therapist near them through the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists’ (AASECT) referral directory.

    Alternatively, the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists has over 15,000 marriage and family therapists for married couples who require help with their relationships.

    Couples may also try online platforms such as ReGain to seek couples counseling.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    10 Foods to Eat If You Want a Better Sex Life, According to Experts

    by JOSIE SANTI

    You’ve probably heard about aphrodisiacs like chocolate and strawberries to get you in the mood, but is there really a correlation between nutrition and sex and if so, what are the best foods for sex? While aphrodisiacs are controversial among experts (no, chocolate is not a magical food meant to make you orgasm), many healthy foods contain important nutrients that can affect hormones or increase blood flow to help increase pleasure in the bedroom (or the bathroom, back of your car, with your vibrator–no judgment!).

    But just a reminder that libido is a vital sign—a low sex drive could be the body’s way of communicating that it needs something. Therefore, the question is not just how can we improve our sex drive, but whyis our sex drive lacking in the first place? This list is not meant to replace talking to your doc about finding the root cause for a low libido.

    Also, the most important thing you can do for your pleasure is to eat a healthy diet. Any whole foods like fruits and veggies can be good for the libido since a healthy libido is a sign of a healthy body. However, I asked doctors, nutritionists, and sex experts for specific foods that contain nutrients that are directly correlated to sexual pleasure. The foods they suggested are healthy, whole foods, so they can’t hurt to eat more of (in other words, whether or not they boost sex drive, they’re still good for you). Bottom line: talk to your doctor to improve low libido, eat a balanced and nutritious diet, and feel good about enjoying the 10 foods below, knowing they are expert-approved for spicing up your sex life.

    1. Raw honey

    If you’re deciding between sweeteners to add to your coffee, you might as well choose the one that can help increase libido. “Honey is packed full of natural goodness, including a mineral known as boron,” explained Reda Elmardi, a certified nutritionist, trainer, and editor at thegymgoat.com. “Boron has been found to help strengthen the bones, enhance muscle coordination, promote protein synthesis, and help increase the natural production of testosterone.” Even though we associate testosterone with men (especially bodybuilders), every gender has a combination of sex hormones, and testosterone directly correlates to sex drive. Raw honey (look for organic or manuka varieties) may help increase the natural production of the libido hormone.

    2. Maca

    Maca might not be found in every grocery store like honey, but it’s been used for thousands of years for energy, hormonal balance, and increasing sex drive. Maca is a vegetable that grows in the mountains of Peru and is technically a cruciferous vegetable, but it is most commonly found in the U.S. in the form of a powdered supplement. And according to some studies, there might be some scientific truth to the ancient use.

    “A number of research [studies have] shown that supplementing with maca can increase sexual desire,” suggested Wendy Lord, a registered dietitian and consultant for Sensible Digs. While many studies about sex drive are performed on men (serious eye roll), a 2008 study showed maca decreased sexual dysfunction in postmenopausal women. If you’re interested in trying for yourself, first talk to your doctor about whether or not it’s right for you, and do your research for trustworthy brands.

    3. Berries

    You probably already know berries are good for skin glow and contain fiber for a healthy gut, but some experts swear that they’re the secret to a better sex life. According to Dr. Markus Ploesser, an integrative psychiatrist and longevity expert, berries like strawberries and raspberries contain zinc, which is important for testosterone level regulation (that hormone associated with sex drive).

    “Blueberries contain flavonoids like anthocyanins and proanthocyanidins, which have been shown to improve sexual function,” Elmardi agreed. Elmardi cited a study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine that found that people who ate blueberry-rich diets had increased blood flow to the genitalia after only three weeks (and when there’s more blood flow, there’s more pleasure). So what does all of this mean? Berries are a healthy source of antioxidants, phytonutrients, and fiber, so if you’re already a berry fan, keep on adding them to smoothies or eating them with yogurt, knowing you could also be getting sexual health benefits.

    4. Saffron

    Forget thyme and cumin–you’re going to want to cook everything with saffron from now on. It is believed that the delicious spice originated and was first cultivated in Greece, but today the spice is primarily grown in Iran, Greece, Morocco, and India. But lucky for us (and our sex drives), you can find it in most grocery stores. “The chemicals found in saffron have been shown to improve erectile dysfunction in men and increase lubrication for women,” Lord explained. A 2012 study gave women with low sexual desire 30 mg of saffron daily over four weeks and found it reduced sex-related pain and increased sexual desire and lubrication, compared to a placebo. To try for yourself, add the tasty spice to salad dressings, grains, marinades, or roasted veggies.

    5. Oysters

    The slurpy seafood is probably not the go-to food when you think of “sexy,” but oysters have long been known for their aphrodisiac effects. While experts are divided on whether or not there’s any truth to aphrodisiacs, there’s truth to the ones that contain specific nutrients known to improve sex drive. Luckily for shellfish lovers (I had to google if oysters counted as shellfish, TBH), the fancy delicacy does. According to Dr. Ploesser, oysters boost dopamine, which is a neurotransmitter that increases libido. “Oysters are a clichéd aphrodisiac because they contain zinc, which is necessary for the production of prolactin in women,” agreed Candela Valle, the resident nutritionist for MYHIXEL.

    6. Watermelon

    Watermelon is probably your favorite fruit come summer (sorefreshing!), but it has serious benefits year-round. Besides its high water content and nutrients that are beneficial for multiple functions of the body, watermelon is doing wonders for your sex life too. “Watermelon is one of the most effective foods that contain sexually enhanced amino acids (citrulline) that helps blood vessels to relax and improve sex drive,” explained Steve Theunissen, a registered dietitian nutritionist and certified personal trainer. Yes, watermelon is 92 percent water, but the remaining 8 percent is packed with nutrients that can improve sexual health and maintain overall health.

    7. Fenugreek

    Fenugreek originated in India and Northern Africa and dates back to six thousand years ago. Both the seeds and green leaves have been used as a spice in food and herbal medicine to treat various ailments for centuries. Turns out, it’s been boosting sexual health for a long time too. “Fenugreek contains chemicals that have properties similar to estrogen and testosterone,” Lord explained. “Research that looked at the effectiveness of fenugreek for improved sexual desire showed that it is effective in this area for both men and women.” As for why the herb affects libido? One of the reasons is that it’s a good source of zinc, which is an important nutrient related to the health of the sexual organs.

    8. Red wine

    As if we needed another reason to pour ourselves a glass, red wine might be one of the few alcoholic beverages that’s beneficial for libido (and–this may or may not be surprising to you–it’s not the alcohol that can improve your sex life). “Red wine contains quercetin, which might account for the positive response in sex drive,” said Dr. Anderson, Ph.D., a sex and relationship therapist, citing a 2009 study in The Journal of Sexual Medicine that showed one to two glasses of red wine a day increased sexual desire and lubrication in women. “Researchers noted that drinking more than two glasses of red wine daily or indulging in other types of alcoholic beverages did not produce the same results.” Sorry, spicy margaritas–you’re great for Taco Tuesdays, but not for our sex lives.

    9. Garlic

    The key ingredient that makes pasta so delicious is another ingredient that is under-appreciated when it comes to building up sex drive. You might think garlic is a killer for your sex life (no one likes garlic breath…), but the nutrients it contains could be increasing your pleasure by lowering cortisol. Let an expert explain: “Garlic contains a compound known as allicin, which helps to naturally lower levels of a hormone known as cortisol,” Elmardi explained. “Cortisol suppresses the immune system and also suppresses the natural production of testosterone. As the allicin in garlic helps to naturally lower cortisol, this helps to keep your testosterone levels stable.” As long as garlic doesn’t upset your stomach, feel free to eat it as much as you want, as it’s loaded with nutrients that are good for many functions of the body. Maybe just pop a breath mint or two if you’re getting straight to testing out the results.

    10. Avocados

    What can’t Instagram’s favorite fruit do!? Not only do avocados make a mean toast and a delicious pudding (a Kourtney Kardashian favorite, TYVM), but the beloved food is good for so many different functions of the body, including sex drive. “Avocados are high in vitamin E, which is a powerful antioxidant involved in widening blood vessels. As a result, you get a sufficient supply of blood to various parts of the body, including the genitals,” explained Barbara Santini, a psychologist and sex and relationship adviser. Bringing blood flow to the genitals means more of the good sensitivity that results in major pleasure. Try it as a spread on bread, cut up into salads, or made into guacamole.

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