Category: Sex Drive

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Sex is back, but it’s going to be different

– and hot

The new sexual revolution is here, and all it took was a deadly pandemic

By

Welcome to the summer of love. The Whoring 20s, Shot Girl Summer, the smell of meat and lotion. A bus passed by yesterday, its side painted with an advert encouraging passersby to “vax, wax and relax”. The new sexual revolution is here, and all it took was a deadly pandemic and a year indoors. It’s true, it’s coming, look, there!

Big women swaggering through a pollarded boulevard, feeling themselves like they’ve never feeled before, suited men singing soul songs under their breath, teenagers standing so close they’re talking in each other’s voices. There’s a picnic by the swings where someone has served themself with mayonnaise on a soft baguette. In the supermarket, women stand mesmerised by the erotic hum of a freezer, and someone inhales the cut flowers with a heavy-lidded smile, and a man gruffly counts peaches. A parking attendant kisses his own lips, the tune of an ice-cream van sounds drunk and yearning. When did everyone get a body? When did everyone descend from the live-work space of their minds and knock through to the basement of those hips, that hair?

Yes, sex is back. For a while there it was touch and go whether it would survive the night, having evolved, devolved over the years into a new kind of touchless touch, many young people choosing to pursue relationships online rather than on sofas. But now, having had time to consider our futures, time to swipe our phones with thrice-washed hands and a new professional grade level of attentiveness, having come to new realisations about touch, loneliness, the pandemic-imposed limits of our new lives and the self-imposed limits of our old ones, the world is ready for its return.

For some, this will simply mean more. It will mean stepping out of the house, a prick in each arm and another in the thigh for luck, and slipping straight into a stranger’s dress, a colleague’s bathroom, the idling Volvo of a dad waiting for the end of Year Six streetdance. Good luck to you comrades, congratulations. But for many, the end of our lockdowns will result in a different kind of sex. New kinks have bred in isolation – a genre of Covid porn is thriving on certain laptops, and fantasies are feverish and confused, dystopian, dreamlike. The danger of touch, the forbidden thrill of brushing past an ungloved wrist, masks no longer only for the unvanilla – sex has changed shape. As has dating. Those months on apps, when people were forced to engage in different kinds of communication beyond just meeting in a bar and thinking this’ll do, are (according to a report Cosmopolitan commissioned from the Kinsey Institute) leading to more considered interactions. They predict “the death of the one-night stand”, and a grand move away from destructive dating habits, towards more experimentation, more thoughtful commitments, more pleasure, and fewer people settling for less – a whole resetting of sexual expectation.

Of course, for many of us, it won’t be easy. Not because we’re not sexy and attractive. No, not that at all. We are all insanely attractive right now actually, thank you, incredibly soft and awkward in our beauty. Everyone is gorgeous and no one is OK. So it will be difficult in the way that all attempts at resocialising are difficult, as we step gingerly into the wild, looking backwards with a scared and red-eyed wonder before trotting cautiously towards the trees. How does a “kiss”, what is to “sex”, who is “hand”, a whispered hiss of questions will echo around the clubs at 2am, two people will insist on time-outs during dinner, just to quickly revise the rules about what is meant to happen next.

The trick will be to weaponise this awkwardness, and transform it into a series of exquisite tensions. It is a chance to be naive again, to purr as a person presses your back like a cat on Instagram or a David Attenborough cub. People are excited simply to sit across from a person they admire, simply to pull the window closed or wetly kiss their cheek – each drop of this excitement must be noted, harnessed and claimed as adorable. There will be people who want to lie fully clothed on top of the covers and breathe at each other. There will be people who want to use all the knowledge accrued from twice-daily Zoom meetings to direct erotic films with high production values and a plotline about office politics. There will be people who unload all the therapy they’ve had across the year on to their partner’s bed and roll around on it. There will be someone for everybody, once they’ve worked out how to say hello, I like you.

It’s going to be a good summer. It’s going to be an interesting summer, with moments of pain, and the sometimes bastard thoughts that make us human. It’s going to be hot, but in ways that occasionally burn, a humid bewildering kind of heat. It’s going to be the summer of complicated, radical, ageing, queered, distanced, unlikely love. Welcome, enjoy, and please wash your hands.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why airplanes make you horny

By Suzannah Weiss

After being deprived of two of my favorite activities — travel and sex — over the past year, one thing I’m looking forward to as both become more feasible is that inexplicable wave of horniness that reliably overcomes me when I’m on a plane. Whether it’s the high I get off the recirculated air or the rumble of takeoff gearing up my own engines, something about airplanes gets me all riled up.

And while I thought I was the only one with this flight fetish, a partner confessed to me that he’d gotten all randy while flying to see me. And as I began to inquire, I discovered an entire cohort of people who got at least a little excited while mile-high.

Chris Savory, a 38-year-old management consultant in London, is clearly in the club. “All that absent-minded people-watching is excellent fuel for the imagination,” he says. One 36-year-old consultant in D.C. (who, out of self-consciousness, asked that he remain anonymous) says he gets hard the moment the cabin pressure changes.

While it would be difficult and expensive to study why exactly people get all hot and bothered on aircrafts, scientists can speculate. Nicole Prause, a neuroscientist researching human sexual behavior, tells Mic that it may have to do with the vibrations of the engine. She points to research that’s shown that people of all different genital configurations respond readily to vibration, including vibration at the same frequency you’d experience in airplane seats.

Or, as Carol Queen — sex educator, author, and sex toy brand Good Vibrations’s resident sexologist — puts it, “an airplane is basically a huge vibrator full of people.” She asserts that there are so many people on a plane, passengers often end up making physical contact with one another, which can spark sexual feelings. In other words, if you’re lucky enough to have a passenger you’re attracted to next to you, chances are good that your arms might graze a little.

Another possibility is that, since people are often asleep or half-asleep on planes, their inhibitions are lowered. “As the brain approaches sleep, neural inhibition is reduced, which promotes sexual thoughts and feelings,” Prause explains. Sexual arousal is often less a result of active effort and more a result of reduced inhibition, she says.

For Shad Faruq, that checks out. “Within a few hours, I start to feel less inhibited,” says Faruq, a 26-year-old marketing professional in San Diego. “I feel more daring and open … It’s a little drunk-like, but without the slurriness.”

Even when people aren’t falling asleep, the relaxation a plane facilitates can leave some feeling primed for sex

Plus, while a plane might not be the most romantic setting, high numbers of sleeping passengers might put fliers in a sexual mindset. “Sex occurs overwhelmingly in the hours just before sleep,” Prause adds. “Simple conditioning may lead us to have sexual thoughts approaching sleep simply because that is when most people are most likely to be having sex.”

Even when people aren’t falling asleep, the relaxation a plane facilitates can leave some feeling primed for sex, says Jessica O’Reilly, a sex educator and human sexuality scholar. “With no pressure to answer emails or return phone calls while you soar through the air, it can help to put your entire body at ease; this state of relaxation coupled with the lack of distraction can help you to feel more present in your body, which can pave the way for sexual desire.”

On top of that, the lack of distraction on planes may lend itself to fantasizing. “Flying is enforced leisure, when you’re alone with your thoughts — especially long-haul,” says Cindy Gallop, founder of the video-sharing platform MakeLoveNotPorn. “I fly transatlantic and other long-haul flights regularly, and I’ve quite often used that time to reminisce about the enjoyable sex I’ve been having with one young gentleman or another, which then of course makes me horny — to the extent that I’ve been known to pop into the plane bathroom to relieve my feelings.”

The adrenaline rush that comes from flying can also mimic feelings of sexual excitement, leading people to misattribute it to horniness. “In some cases, it’s related to novelty and exploration, and in others, it may be related to the relinquishment of control,” says O’Reilly. “The entire flying process requires that you leave control and your own personal safety in the hands of a complete (albeit qualified) group of strangers. For some people, this can be so stressful that they have zero interest in sex, but for others, it provides just the right amount of stress to create a degree of excitement.”

The act of travel itself, whether by plane or some other mode of transportation, can bring out people’s adventurous sides, says Queen. “Travel can remove you from your ordinary routine and infuse your life with a sort of altered state that can be sexy,” she adds. Some people, for instance, may be shy in their everyday lives but feel free to let out their wild sides when they travel.

The plane itself often provides fodder for fantasy.

For Joshua McNeil, a 32-year-old program manager in Winnipeg, Canada, the arousal comes from anticipation of what will happen upon landing. “My active imagination and anticipatory feelings about seeing someone will create a heightened state of arousal via lucid sex daydreaming, where I feel like the sensuality and sexuality is actually happening,” they say. For those who are hard at work when land-bound, flights may offer a welcome reprieve where the imagination has time to roam.

The plane itself often provides fodder for fantasy. “The risk factor of doing something so naughty in a densely-packed space and potentially getting caught is such an endorphin and adrenaline rush for me,” says Pankaj Ahuja, a 33-year-old marketing consultant in India.

Justin Lehmiller, research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and author of Tell Me What You Want, has found in his research that 53% of American adults — slightly more men than women — have fantasized about sex on a plane, and 9% have this fantasy often.

“People are turned on by the idea of doing new and different things with their sex lives because we tend to grow bored easily with sexual routines,” Lehmiller tells Mic. “Fantasizing about sex in different settings is one easy way of introducing an element of newness — and what I see is that people fantasize about sex in a wide range of settings, from public restrooms to beaches and parks to cars and trucks.”

Another arousing aspect of plane sex is that it’s taboo. “Part of the appeal of sex in public or semi-public settings is the thrill that comes along with the potential risk that others might catch you in the act,” says Lehmiller. “For many people, doing something risky like this amps up their arousal and excitement.”

That said, plenty of people find flying the opposite of arousing, especially those who get anxious up in the air, says O’Reilly. And there may be good reason to have trepidation about sex on a plane: People have been arrested for joining the mile-high club (and even for just attempting to). So, indulge your airplane horniness at your own risk.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Women who have casual sex are still harshly judged

— here’s why

By Jaimie Arona Krems and Michael Varnum

F. Scott Fitzgerald famously called the Roaring Twenties — which happened on the heels of the 1918 flu pandemic — “the most expensive orgy in history.” Now, as more and more Americans are vaccinated, some are saying all the sexual energy pent up over the past year will be unleashed, with Yale sociologist Nicholas Christakis predicting a summer marked by a surge in “sexual licentiousness.”

Women, however, might face backlash for exploring their post-vaccination sexuality. In a new study, we found that women — but not men — continue to be perceived negatively for having casual sex.

This stereotype persists even as casual sex has become increasingly normalized and gender equality has risen in the U.S. and much of the Western world.

Specifically, both men and women assume that a woman who has casual sex must have low self-esteem. But that perception isn’t based in reality. So what might be driving this unfounded stereotype?

A belief held across religious and political divides

Although the idea that women’s sexual behavior is linked to their self-esteem is a common trope in film, television and even some relationship advice sites, we documented just how entrenched this stereotype is across six experiments published in Psychological Science.

In one experiment, we asked Americans to estimate the correlation between people’s sexual behavior and their self-esteem. We described those people as being a man, woman or simply as “a person,” without providing any information about their gender. We then described that man, woman or person as having a lot of casual sex, portrayed them as being a serial monogamist or provided no information about their sexual behavior.

We found that Americans tended to associate monogamy with high self-esteem, especially for women. More striking, they associated casual sex with low self-esteem — but only for women.

This belief was surprisingly widespread, and across our studies we found that both men and women hold it. We wondered: Was this stereotype the product of sexist beliefs? Could it be due to participants’ political ideology or their religion?

But time and again, we saw that this stereotype transcended a number of markers, including the extent to which someone held sexist beliefs, their political views and their religiosity.

What if a woman says she wants casual sex?

However, people might believe that women don’t want casual sex in the first place. For example, people might assume that women have causal sex only because they’re trying and failing to attract a long-term relationship. In fact, such beliefs do seem to influence the stereotype about women’s self-esteem.

Specifically, the more that Americans believed that women don’t actually want casual sex, the more these Americans tended to associate women’s casual sex with low self-worth.

This finding inspired another experiment. We wondered what would happen if we told participants that a woman was actually perfectly happy with her casual sexual lifestyle. Might that change their beliefs?

But even this factor didn’t seem to stop the stereotyping. Participants still saw these women as having low self-esteem. And they even perceived a woman described as having monogamous sex — but who was deeply dissatisfied with her monogamous sex life — as having higher self-esteem.

Here’s the kicker: Among our participants — the same ones who showed this stereotyping — we found virtually no association between their self-esteem and their own sexual behavior.

These findings are similar to those of psychologist David Schmitt, who conducted a survey of more than 16,000 participants drawn from all over the world, and also found little association between self-esteem and casual sex. And in our study, it was actually the men who reported having more casual sex who also tended to have slightly lower self-esteem.

Do our Stone Age brains play a role?

So why do people hold this negative assumption about women who have casual sex — especially if it doesn’t hold water? The short answer is that we currently do not know, and associations between sex and self-esteem in the real world are complex.

Some people might wonder if the media is to blame. It’s true that women who have casual sex are sometimes portrayed as being somehow deficient. But this doesn’t tell the whole story. Even if popular media perpetuates this stereotype, it still doesn’t explain why people would feel compelled to portray women this way in the first place.

Another possible explanation is that the stereotype extends from reproductive biology, in which men have historically had more to gain from casual sex than women, who — since they risk getting pregnant — often have to bear greater costs, on average, than men.

Yet today, newer technologies — like birth control and safe, legal abortion — allow women to have casual sex without being forced to bear some of those unwanted costs. Perhaps, then, our Stone Age brains have simply not yet caught up.

Whatever the origin of this stereotype, it’s likely to foster prejudice and discrimination today. For example, people perceived to have low self-esteem are less likely to be asked out on dates or elected to political office.

This stereotype might also have led to seemingly well-intentioned – but ultimately misguided — advice directed toward girls and women about their sexual behavior. There is a cottage industry built around telling women what sort of sex not to have. (Searching for books on “friendship advice” on Amazon yields fewer than 40 results, but searching for “dating advice” returned over 2,000.)

In Western society, women are rarely disparaged for breaking glass ceilings to become leaders, professors, CEOs and astronauts.

So why do they continue to be denigrated as they become increasingly open and willing to go to bed with others at their own whim, of their own accord?

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Does Birth Control Affect Your Sex Drive?

Here’s What You Should Know

by Crystal Raypole

Considering a new method of birth control? You’ve probably also spared a few thoughts (worries, even) for all those potential side effects you’ve heard about, such as decreased libido.

It’s true that nearly every birth control method could cause some type of side effect. Yet for many people, side effects are relatively minor and worth the benefits of:

Any type of birth control might affect libido, though the specific effects you experience can vary depending on the method you choose.

Condoms might factor into vaginal irritation and other discomfort, while spermicide products could cause itching and other irritation.

Hormonal birth control is incredibly effective at preventing pregnancy, but it can also contribute to some unwanted side effects, including decreased libido.

You might generally agree that the benefits of birth control — namely, preventing pregnancy — outweigh a potential decrease in libido. All the same, a noticeable change in sexual desire may not necessarily be, well, desirable.

When it comes to sexuality, your libido is only one part to consider. Physical arousal, the ability to orgasm, and any pain or irritation you experience during sex can all affect your interest in sexual activity.

You could have a high libido, but find it difficult to feel aroused. (Yep, they’re two different things.) Perhaps you don’t have any trouble getting in the mood or experiencing arousal, but you often experience pain during sex. Maybe you have trouble climaxing easily, if at all.

Birth control, especially hormonal varieties, might factor into some of these issues. But — and this is an important “but” to consider — not everyone experiences a decrease in libido when using birth control. Some people, in fact, notice an increased libido.

A few possible explanations for why you may experience a heightened libido:

  • It’s understandable to feel less interested in sex if you’re worried about getting pregnant. Birth control can help relieve those fears, which might then increase your desire for sex.
  • Choosing a method of birth control you don’t have to use right before sex can make it easier to stay in the moment with your partner(s). This can make it easier to fully enjoy yourself without any distractions or worries about finding the right moment to hit pause.
  • If you use hormonal birth control to help ease symptoms of health conditions like polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) or endometriosis, you could also notice a higher libido as your symptoms improve.

A 2013 reviewTrusted Source considered findings from 36 different studies on sexual desire in people using combined oral contraceptives, which are birth control pills that contain both estrogen and progestin.

Among the 8,422 participants who took oral contraceptives, 15 percent, or 1,238 people in total, did report a decrease in libido. But another 1,826 people (just over 21 percent) said their libido increased. The majority of participants reported no change in libido.

Authors of a 2016 reviewTrusted Source considered findings from 103 studies exploring the possible effects of contraceptives on sexuality. They found evidence to support the following positive outcomes:

  • The hormonal IUD may lead to less pain during sex and increased libido after a year of use.
  • Both hormonal and nonhormonal (copper) IUDs may increase libido, physical arousal, satisfaction with sex, and frequency of sexual activity.
  • The vaginal ring has been linked to increased libido, arousal, and sexual satisfaction, along with vaginal lubrication and improved orgasm.
  • The implant may boost arousal, sexual satisfaction, and the ability to achieve orgasm while helping reduce pain during sex and anxiety around sex.
  • Internal condoms can promote greater sexual comfort since they offer improved lubrication, can be placed ahead of time, are less likely to break, and can improve sensation during sex.

Hormonal contraceptives work by releasing pregnancy-preventing hormones into your body. For some people, these hormones might cause various physical and sexual side effects, including:

Any of these side effects can leave you less interested in having sex.

Example

Let’s say you and your partner(s) are cuddling on the sofa. They’re doing that thing you really like with their tongue on your neck, and you think “Yeah, sex might be nice.”

Still, you aren’t all that turned on, and your body isn’t shouting “Yes, now would be good!” like it sometimes does.

Or maybe you started taking the pill to help lighten up painful periods, but over the past several weeks, you’ve started feeling a little low.

In the past, you’ve always aimed to have sex at least once a week, but lately you’ve felt so tired and drained that you haven’t reached out to your partner(s) for nearly a month.

Some experts have theorizedTrusted Source changes in libido may happen because hormonal birth control reduces testosterone in your bodyTrusted Source. But researchers have yet to find conclusive support for this idea.

Many people using contraceptives have lower testosterone levels than those not using contraceptives without experiencing any changes in libido.

To sum up: Researchers haven’t come to any conclusions about how hormonal birth control might directly affect libido. Yet it’s pretty clear that many people do experience some changes.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Low Sex Drive?

6 Simple Home Remedies to Consider

By Grace Murphy

If your sex life has gotten boring or you are not getting as much action in the bedroom as you and your partner might like these days, the good news is that there are several things that you can do in your everyday life to improve your libido and make sex with your partner more enjoyable. The libido is just another name for your sex drive or sexual desire, and there are various different internal and external factors that can impact it, from your hormone levels to the amount of sleep you are getting, the type of foods that you eat, and the activities that you and your partner take part in together. If you want to enjoy a better sex life, here are some natural remedies that are worth considering.

Try Adult Chat and Videos

You could potentially look into adult chat sites to spice things up with your partner and have some fun trying something new together. Babestation Cams offer adult chat that you can enjoy together with sex cam live options that are sure to help you get in the mood. Sometimes, bringing pornography into your relationship can be a fun way to spice it up and perhaps even get some ideas for what you might want to try together in the bedroom. Check out Babestation Cams to get started talking to professional sex workers who would be happy to help you kick-start your new sex life.

Eat Certain Foods

If your sexual desire is quite low lately, it could be due to the food that you are eating. Although there is not a lot of evidence supporting the idea that certain foods will be good for your sex drive, there’s definitely no harm in giving it a try. Avocado, bananas and figs are considered to be fruits that will help boost your libido, or if you have a sweet tooth, eating chocolate could help since it’s widely considered to be an aphrodisiac. Chocolate releases serotonin and phenethylamine into your body, which can lift your mood and, in some cases, help your sex drive.

Improve Your Self-Confidence

How you feel about yourself can have a huge impact on your sex drive and your ability to enjoy sex with your partner. By taking some steps to improve your self-confidence and self-image, you can also improve your sex life as a result. Shifting your focus from your perceived flaws to the things that you like the most about yourself can help, along with improving your lifestyle in ways that might help you view yourself in a more favourable manner like working out more often or getting a new hairstyle that you love.

Relieve Stress

When you are feeling stressed and anxious, there’s nothing worse for killing your sex drive. And the worst part is that sex can be a good way to relieve stress, but you don’t have any desire for it, creating a vicious cycle. No matter how physically healthy you are, being under a lot of stress can impact your sex drive, particularly for women. There are several things that you can do to relieve stress in your life including meditation, exercising, yoga, and deep breathing exercises.

Communicate Well

The health of your relationship is always going to have an impact on your sex drive and your sex life. If you are in conflict with your partner, chances are that having sex is not going to be the first thing on your mind. This is particularly true for women, who will often experience a higher sex drive when they feel emotionally close and intimate with their partner. Unresolved conflicts can affect the sex life of both men and women, which is why communicating well and resolving issues quickly is essential not only for a healthy relationship, but a healthy sex life. Couples therapy can help if you are struggling with this.

Get Enough Sleep

Last but not least, making sure that you are getting enough sleep at night is not only essential for your general physical and mental health, but also your sexual health and your sex life. When you are feeling tired and exhausted from not getting enough sleep, you probably won’t have much energy for having sex. Being busy can often make it difficult to get enough sleep, and in turn, make it difficult to get intimate with your partner. Boost your energy by going to sleep earlier and taking naps whenever you can. Changing up your diet to increase protein and complex carbohydrates can also help. If you are often too tired for sex at night, consider getting intimate with your partner in the mornings instead, when you have more energy.

A low sex drive can be frustrating for both you and your partner and ultimately have an impact on your relationship. Try these natural ways to boost your libido and enjoy a better sex life.

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Am I Having Enough Sex?

By Karley Sciortino

I’ve always assumed it’s normal to waste your life wondering if everyone’s having more sex than you. It seems there are these “numbers” we’re supposed to hit in order to achieve sexual adequacy. I’m not sure who comes up with them—whether it’s Cosmo, scientists, Samantha Jones, or Satan—but they’ve infiltrated the culture. For instance, in my 20s, I read an article claiming healthy couples have sex three times a week. I filed this away as fact, somewhere in the junk drawer of my brain, for over a decade. But now I’m 35, in a long-term relationship, and I’m pretty sure whoever wrote that was either bad at math or the leader of that NXIVM sex cult.

According to the internet, if you’re single, going a handful of months without sex makes you an incel gargoyle. And yet, having sex multiple times a week with different partners is too far in the other direction. It’s a delicate balance— you should have enough sex to prove you’re a hot, empowered girl-boss, but not so much that you become a slut from hell, desperately trying to fuck away your childhood trauma. But with all this mixed messaging, will someone just tell me: How often should I have sex?

In my 20s, I kept an actual calendar of how much sex I was having. If I went a few weeks without smashing, a siren would go off in my brain, alerting me to send frantic “sup?” texts to my phone reserves (“Adam Ponytail,” “Jake L train,” “Fingers,” etc.). Not only did being sexually prolific validate my worth as a sex object, it also made me interesting. Arriving at a party without a hilariously tragic sex story felt akin to a comedian walking onstage without material.

When I met my boyfriend, we had so much sex that I developed a limp. Somehow everything from making English muffins to organizing my desktop became foreplay. But the first time we hung out and didn’t have sex, I immediately thought: “We’re doomed.” In those early days of manic infatuation, even literally crippling amounts of sex felt insufficient. Now, nearly four years into our relationship, I still sometimes find myself Nate Silver-ing our sex life. If we have sex three days in a row, we’re winning the game! If we don’t have sex for more than a week, we may as well swan dive onto the concrete slab called “The L.A. River.”

It’s a common belief that sexual frequency is an indicator of a relationship’s strength. But famed couple’s therapist Esther Perel disagrees. In her book Mating in Captivity, she describes toxic relationships that breed steamy sex lives and deeply loving relationships that lack sexual passion. Maybe that’s why the most popular erotic novel is about being sexually bullied by a sulky businessman?

When I fall into a shame spiral, I often call my friend Ryan. He and his boyfriend have been together for six years. They’re one of the strongest couples I know, and yet, being hot and vaguely famous hasn’t spared them the sexual stress of your average monogamist. Ryan confessed, “Honestly, as gay men, I thought we were immune to these problems—I was like, light a candle for straight couples! But, it’s a tale as old as time: We had sex regularly for the first couple years, then it gradually became once a week. Then, starting year four, we’d have dry spells that would last up to six weeks.”

For Ryan and his boyfriend, these sexual droughts felt too awkward to acknowledge, like when your date has something stuck in his teeth. Ryan explained, “It’s as if there’s a pressure valve in our relationship. When we’re not fucking, the pressure keeps building. Sex becomes this bogeyman looming over us. But then the second we break the dry spell, we’re like ‘Oh my God! We went a whole month without sex, wasn’t that crazy?!’ Suddenly we’re able to talk about it openly.”

I’ve been there. If you’re in a sex slump, once you finally rail it’s like resetting the clock—“Okay phew, we’ve got a week before it gets weird again!” Of course, if you’re able to address it before paranoia sets in, it makes the whole thing less threatening.

“What I’ve learned is that you can’t catastrophize,” Ryan said. “In the past, my boyfriend and I created our own private narratives about why we weren’t having sex, which inevitably leads to a K-hole of anxiety. But the narratives you write say more about your own issues than they do about the relationship.” In the mutilated words of Joan Didion: “We tell ourselves stories in order to not have sex.”

Unfortunately, writing disturbing narratives is my specialty. For instance, in all my relationships, I’ve preferred that my partner initiate sex—it makes me feel wanted. When they don’t, my story quickly becomes: “I guess I’m literally Shrek and they’re disgusted by my presence and I should sleep outside with the raccoons.” When in reality, maybe they just, like, have a headache? When our dark imaginations overpower our curiosity, sex can easily become a proxy for myriad insecurities—that we’re not skinny enough, smart enough, or that our podcast is failing.

But even if you’re somehow evolved enough to create a healthy dialogue around sex, it still doesn’t answer the essential question: How often should you bang? What are the magical Goldilocks numbers that tell us when to panic, feel smug, or check into rehab?

To answer this once and for all, I turned to my friend Dr. Zhana Vrangalova, sex researcher and professor of human sexuality at NYU. Zhana told me, “In my mind, the only way to answer that question is to ask yourself: How often do you want to have sex? Sex matters differently to different people. Some people are happy having it once a year. Some couples want sex several times a week, even after 20 years. Both can be healthy.”

It sounds obvious: Just fuck as much as you want, duh! But it’s not so easy. Often—for women, in particular—desiring sex is so linked to being desired, that it can be difficult to separate the two. Sometimes I can’t tell whether I actually want sex, or if I just want to want it, or if I feel guilty for not wanting it, or if I just want my boyfriend to want it so I don’t have to melt my brain trying to answer these questions.

According to Zhana, healthy desire is a combination of “how often you’re spontaneously horny, and how often you want to have sex for other reasons that are in line with your values—for instance, because you’re single and want to explore your sexuality, or because you love your partner and know that sex brings you closer.” Basically, pushing yourself to have sex doesn’t have to be bad, so long as it’s authentic. It’s like working out—sometimes you’d rather die than go to the gym, but once you’re there you’re glad you bought a smoothie and went home.

Zhana continued, “Anxiety is an unhealthy incentive to have sex. Autonomy is extremely important to our wellbeing, so feeling pressure—whether it’s internal or external—is antithetical to desire, because it feels inauthentic. Basically, if the reason you’re having it is that ‘I think everybody else is having more sex than me,’ then that’s a problem.” (Sounds like someone’s not having enough sex, tbh.)

Of course, fixating on numbers fails to address whether the sex is actually, ya know, good. Looking back, it’s creepy to think how marginal enjoyment was in the equation. For instance, in my mid-20s I was in a relationship where we had tons of sex—it was rapid, joyless, and yielded more UTIs than orgasms. Success!

Essentially, when evaluating your sex life, ask yourself: Does being sexually successful mean zombie fucking your life away to fulfill an arbitrary quota, or does it mean being honest with yourself about your desires, and getting a Xanax prescription? Choose your own adventure.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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10 reasons why women may have a low sex drive

and what to do about it

By Madeline Kennedy

  • Some causes of a low sex drive in women include taking medicines like birth control or SSRIs. 
  • Stress and not sleeping enough could also cause lowered libido.
  • Medical conditions like diabetes or heart disease may also cause a lower sex drive.

There’s no “normal” amount of sex drive. The right amount is whatever feels right for you. Yet, many women feel like their sex drive is too low.

One 2008 study found that — among a poll of over 30,000 US women — 15% of women ages 45 to 64 and 11% under 44 reported significant issues with low sex drive.

There are many reasons your sex drive can take a dip, including stress, medications, your period, or relationship issues. Here are 10 of the most common reasons you may have a hard time feeling sexual.

1. Shifts in hormones during your menstrual cycle

Your levels of sex hormones like estrogen, testosterone, and progesterone change throughout your menstrual cycle, which can affect your sex drive, says Kate Thomas, PhD, the director of clinical services at The Johns Hopkins Sex and Gender Clinic.

“We know that progesterone can have a negative impact on sexuality; the role of estrogen is less understood,” Thomas says.

You may notice that your sex drive is higher around the middle of your cycle, while you’re ovulating, but it may dip lower at other times, like during your period. This is partly because progesterone levels rise once you’re done ovulating, as your body gets ready to menstruate.

However, “increases and decreases in sexual drive appear to be quite individual,” Thomas says.

2. Hormonal birth control

Hormonal birth control methods like the pill, vaginal rings, and hormonal IUDs are linked with lower sex drive in women, Thomas says.

This is because hormonal birth control lowers your testosterone levels, which leads to a lower sex drive. Having less testosterone in your body can also make your vulva and clitoris feel less sensitive, which may make sex less appealing.

A 2013 review found that 15% of women taking birth control pills reported that their sex drive had decreased since starting the pill. 

If you have sexual issues while using birth control, talk to your gynecologist about non-hormonal options like the copper IUD.

3. Antidepressants

Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are a type of antidepressant medication that can lower your sex drive. Some common SSRIs are sertraline (Zoloft) and escitalopram (Lexapro).

SSRIs work by raising serotonin levels in the brain, which can help boost your mood. But higher serotonin levels can also make you feel less interested in sex, Thomas says.

“Many women report lowered sexual drive when on SSRIs, but the most commonly reported side effect is difficulty reaching orgasm,” says Thomas. This is important because if you can’t orgasm, you may feel less interested in having sex.

If you’re having these symptoms, you may want to talk to your doctor about changing your dose or trying a different medication.

4. Diabetes

Having diabetes can reduce your sex drive, particularly if your blood sugar levels aren’t stable. When your diabetes isn’t well controlled, you’re more likely to have nerve damage and issues with blood circulation, which could affect sex drive.  

“Diabetes affects the small blood vessels and nerves that feed and innervate the genital region,” Thomas says. “Thus, people who have the disease can experience a lack of sensation and feeling.”

Working with your doctor to get your diabetes under control may help bring back your sex drive and make it easier for you to feel aroused.

5. Not sleeping enough

Missing out on sleep can throw off your nervous system, which controls most of your bodily functions, including your sex drive. “Anything that disrupts the fine-tuning of this system, like lack of sleep, will negatively impact sexuality,” Thomas says.

To deal with the stress from lack of sleep, your body produces more of a stress hormone called cortisol, while decreasing your levels of sex hormones like estrogen and testosterone, Thomas says. When these hormones take a dip, your sexual desire will too.

Not getting enough sleep can also make you feel irritable and fatigued, Thomas says, which can make it harder to get in the mood. Sleeping the recommended 7-9 hours a night can help rebalance your hormones, mood, and sex drive.

6. Depression

“Depression is a prime reason for not wanting to be sexual or not being able to focus when one is sexually engaged,” Thomas says.

This is because depression can cause serious symptoms like intense sadness and affect how your body functions. “These emotions can impact sleep, lead to fatigue, lack of motivation and decreased self-esteem, all things that lead away from a hearty sexual appetite,” Thomas says.

Getting treatment for depression using therapy or medication may help your energy and sex drive return.

7. Stress

When you’re feeling stressed out, your sex drive can take a hit. “Women who find themselves stressed from job demands, children, and family responsibilities have little energy left over to focus on sex,” Thomas says.

Over time, stress can also raise your levels of cortisol and lower testosterone and estrogen, making it harder for you to get aroused.

Cutting down on stressful activities, exercising, and practicing relaxation techniques like deep breathing can help lower your stress levels.

8. Low self-esteem

If you feel bad about yourself, it can be hard to get in the mood for sex. This is especially true if you don’t like the way your body looks – you may be less likely to ask for sex or to feel comfortable getting intimate.

Your interest in being sexual often changes based on how you see yourself, Thomas says, including how attractive you feel, your body image, and your overall self-esteem, Thomas says.

Seeing a therapist or practicing gratitude may be a good first step to work on raising your self-esteem.

9. Heart disease

Heart disease decreases the blood flow throughout your body, including to your vagina and vulva. “Since blood flow to the genitals is what defines arousal, decreases most definitely have some impact,” Thomas says.

Cardiovascular symptoms such as fatigue, shortness of breath and chest pain also play a role,” by making sex more exhausting and difficult, Thomas says. Working with your doctor to regulate heart disease symptoms may be a good option to give your sex drive a boost.

10. Relationship problems

“One of the most common things we hear from women is how much issues in their relationship relate to their decreased interest in sex,” Thomas says.

Conflicts, mistrust, and stress can push you and your partner further apart, making it harder to feel intimate. “In order to feel sexually drawn to our partners we must like them first,” Thomas says.

Going to couples therapy may be a good option if you’re facing issues in your relationship. “Often these aspects of the relationship need to be addressed in order to even begin healing sexually,” Thomas says.

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Do Women Really Become Less Interested In Sex Over Time?

Debunking The Myths

by Deborah J. Fox, MSW

A couple in their 30s, married for 10 years, sit across from each other in my office with tension and despair written on their faces. When I hear their story of sexual disconnection, it sounds all too familiar. Ben’s story is one of frustration that they only occasionally have sex. Sara’s story is also one of frustration because she’s at a loss as to how to fix this between them. They both agree that when they do engage in sex, the encounter itself goes well enough. Yet that doesn’t lead to another roll in the hay for quite some time.

Another familiar scene is the group of men meeting for happy hour, bemoaning their lot as married men who’ve accepted the “fact” that women lose interest in sex after they’ve been married for a few years.

Anecdotes abound, yet the mainstream understanding of why sex in long-term relationships diminishes suffers from an astounding lack of information about female sexuality—and it doesn’t have to be this way.

Yes, some women do say, “I don’t care if I ever have sex again as long as I live.” I think the truth is more likely, “I don’t care if I ever have the kind of sex, or the circumstances under which I’m having sex, again.”

In sexuality, knowledge is truly powerful. So let’s unpack the real sources of all this distress.

The power of negative messages.

First of all, we need to name the thing many people don’t want to name: The negative messages that girls are bombarded with since they found out they were girls have created enormous barriers to feeling sexually comfortable. Even today, there is still a staggering number of “Good girls don’t _____” messages, all designed to modulate what might come naturally:

Have you ever heard a cliché of “Girls will be girls” the way you hear “Boys will be boys?” Never. Yet the truth is, all people are products of their culture. Even women who feel like they know better than to buy into these negative messages they heard growing up can still nonetheless be affected by them.

The good news is, the lingering impact of negative messages can be softened. The first step is to identify the messages you got as a child from your parents and peers, including social media. How did those messages affect how you feel about sex? About your body? The next step is to reflect on how these messages might still be affecting you and find a way to minimize their continuing influence. That can look like talking to your partner or friend about these experiences, reading books on female sexuality, or seeking the help of a therapist.

Additionally, so many women have been exposed to inappropriate sexual comments and touch, sexual abuse, and sexual assault. The impact of these experiences is enormous and long-lasting, usually interfering with the ability to enjoy sex. There are effective strategies to release trauma’s hold on you (the best first step here would be to see a therapist), but this context cannot be ignored in any conversation about the idea that “Women just aren’t interested in sex.”

Likewise, a crucial misunderstanding when it comes to female sexuality—and a major source of sexual frustration in couples—is the idea that sexual desire just pops up for everyone in the same way. When it doesn’t happen this way in a relationship, there’s usually a lot of confusion and blame.

There are actually two basic types of sexual desire: spontaneous and responsive. We’re very familiar with the spontaneous type. You know, those who walk down the street on an average day regularly struck with a desire for sex. They seem to be up for sex most anytime. Sexuality researcher Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., tells us that about 75% of men are members of this group but only about 15% of women.

Because women often aren’t exposed to what is more typical of female sexual desire, they often end up saying, “What’s wrong with me?” or falsely concluding, “I’m just not a sexual person.”

Many women have what’s known as responsive sexual desire. For people with this type of desire, the context of the moment is critical to your openness to the idea of sex. If you’re tired, preoccupied with a work project or a troubled family member, stressed, or feeling blah, interest in sex is going to be hard to come by. These are not just factors affecting your interest in sex; they are central. There’s nothing wrong with you for not being interested. You just need a change in context.

A common experience for responsive people is that desire shows up after arousal. This is normal. It’s just not advertised. What this means is that you have to change the question from, “Am I feeling frisky?” to “Am I open to engaging in touch?” With physical touch, arousal may well show up, followed by, “Oh, now I feel very glad to be here, doing this!”

Most people don’t even know responsive sexual desire exists—even the very people whose desire works like this. I was once describing responsive sexual desire to my husband, and he said, “That’s interesting. That’s not what you see in the movies.” Exactly. The media, a major provider of sex education, only depicts spontaneous sexual desire.

As it turns out, spontaneous people often find themselves in relationships with responsive people. I’ve found this often to be true in same-gender couples as well. So these groups need to get to know each other.

When I explain responsive desire to Ben, his jaw drops and doesn’t close for a while. Whereas Sara is nodding vigorously, “That’s me. That’s me—I’ve just never known how to explain it.” Likewise, when I explain that Ben likely walks down the street with every sixth thought being a sexual one, her eyes pop out of her head.

A consequence for many women growing up today is that sexuality wasn’t about them and their pleasure. With inadequate information about sex, many young women are often left to apply to themselves what they learn from their experiences with men—or the movies. If men just dive into erogenous zones at the outset of a physical encounter, then that’s what must be the way to have sex. However, when desire tends to follow arousal, a direct focus on erogenous zones can feel like an unwanted advance. Their bodies aren’t yet ready to be stimulated sexually.

What to do? Change the context. If you’re like Sara and have responsive sexual desire rather than spontaneous, what is the context that makes you feel open to physical touch? Instead of saying, “I’m not in the mood,” try asking yourself, “What could put me in the mood?”

Perhaps a conversation that would help you feel less stressed, a shared glass of wine or cup of tea, a foot massage, a hot bath, reading some erotica, having your partner wash the dishes and put the kids to bed. There’s a bridge between where your head is at the moment and where it could be—you just have to build it.

This is also a couple’s project. If you’re a spontaneous guy in a relationship with a responsive woman, find out what turns her on—and off. Do you approach her in a way that’s enticing to her? Do you send her affectionate or sexy text messages? Think of your early days of flirting—you showed interest and enthusiasm for everything about her. You paid attention to her. If she’s tired, do you offer to take on tasks to give her a break?

What about unresolved conflict or repetitive bickering? For those like Sara, this is a huge buzzkill. Many a time, a Ben type approaches his partner for sex several hours after they’ve quarreled, and she looks at him as if he’s sprouted a horn and gives him a look that says, “Are you [insert your favorite four-letter word] kidding me? I’m still furious with you!” Try finding a better way to resolve conflict so there’s not simmering resentment in the air.

When we understand responsive desire and the way it works, it exposes the myth that women lose interest in sex. Sure, most women probably do lose interest in the kind of sex they’ve been expected to enjoy—late at night when they’re ready to go to sleep, regardless of what else is going on for her.

Enjoyable sex happens in a context that takes you into account.

Getting back on that track of having a pleasurable sex life isn’t about the stars aligning just right. It’s about educating yourself, understanding what negative messages and experiences may be affecting your relationship, and understanding exactly how you and your partner’s sexual desire works. Equipped with that knowledge, you can work together with your partner to create a context in which you can both enjoy sex more fully.

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Why Am I Always Horny?

These 3 Reasons Could Explain It

What’s “normal” when it comes to libido, according to experts.

By Mia Cross

Sexual turn-ons and libido vary widely from person to person. But if you’re finding yourself horny all the time, you might be concerned if this is normal and okay, or if it’s a sign of a bigger issue. Here’s what sex experts had to say about what’s normal, what’s not, and why you might want sex constantly.

What’s normal when it comes to sex drive

Experts agree that it’s difficult to establish what’s “normal” when it comes to arousal and frequency of sexual activity. Using words like “normal” doesn’t actually help, because desire and drive for sex fluctuates throughout life, and you should never feel like your experience is less valid that anybody else’s.

Basically, a normal, healthy sex drive is one that you feel comfortable with—whether that’s wanting sex once a month or twice a day.

Most couples typically have sex once a week, according to a large national analysis of sexual frequency from 1989 through 2014, published in Archives of Sexual Behavior in 2017. Of course, how much sex you have and how much sex you want are often very different things. Studies have found that around half of men and women in heterosexual relationships are content with how often they have sex with their partners, with half of the men dissatisfied with the amount of sex they’re having usually because they want more sex. About two-thirds of unsatisfied women also want more sex.

What if you’re always horny?

“The key difference between ‘normal’ or healthy sexuality and concerning sexuality is the presence of distress about your sexuality, a sense the behavior is out of control, and/or negative, real-world consequences to your sexual behavior,” Sarah Melancon, PhD, a sociologist, clinical sexologist, and sexuality and relationships expert for SexToyCollective.com, tells Health.

If you believe you’re having too many sexual urges for your personal comfort level, or you seem to be in a state of constant stimulation, here are three possible explanations.

You’re just hot for your partner

If you describe yourself as horny all the time, you might be overthinking things. The early stages of a relationship (roughly the first three months to two years) tend to be marked by passion and excitement, which often translate to high levels of sexual desire and activity, Melancon says. This is often called the “limerence” stage of a relationship and involves a number of hormones and neurotransmitters that create very strong emotional and sexual feelings.

Although couples in long-term relationships—no matter how happy they are together—can’t return to the limerence stage, they can continue to enjoy their sex life by building trust, a sense of commitment, and having open communication about their sexual needs, Melancon says.

You’re “addicted” to sex

So-called sex addiction is similar to “addition” to video games, cell phone use, or porn viewing—basically, these behaviors are not physiologically addictive in the same way as heroin, alcohol, or cocaine,” Melancon explains. Plus, there’s some concern that telling someone they are addicted to sex stigmatizes people with higher sex drives. The traditional addiction model does not adequately address the underlying issues leading to the behavior of people in whom sex is compulsive or impulsive.

Sex addiction was considered for inclusion in DSM-5, the most recent edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders—a key diagnostic tool used by US practitioners to diagnose psychiatric illnesses. But it was rejected due to lack of evidence. However, in his 2016 article in the journal Addiction, Richard B. Krueger, MD, medical director at New York State Psychiatric Institute’s sexual behavior clinic, said that a diagnosis of hypersexual or compulsive sexual behavior can still be made using the ICD‐10 (the 10th revision of the International Classification of Diseases, which is considered the global standard for coding health information and causes of death) and the DSM‐5.

There’s ongoing debate among professionals about the idea of “sex addiction.” “Some think it is a manufactured disorder and that it pathologizes sexual behavior,” Dr. Krueger tells Health. “Others think that it is a behavioral addiction, such as internet gaming disorder or pathological gambling disorder.” (He is of the opinion that it is possible to be addicted to sex.)

“Sex addiction affects countless adolescents and adults who I evaluate in clinic,” Leela R. Magavi, MD, a child, adolescent, and adult psychiatrist and regional medical director for California-based Community Psychiatry, tells Health. “Some individuals contend that masturbating or having sex recurrently helps them attain a sense of pleasure equivalent to what they experience when they gamble or use a substance such as cocaine.”

You have hypersexuality disorder

“Some individuals use the terms ‘sex addiction’ and ‘hypersexuality’ interchangeably,” Dr. Magavi says. “Sex addiction and hypersexuality may affect individuals’ functionality and cause relationship concerns.”

Mental health practitioners consider certain factors when treating somebody who is concerned by their own sexual behavior. Melancon says there are a number of reasons somebody’s sex drive can rise that are worth looking into. “Sex can be used as a coping mechanism, much in the way people eat their feelings, binge watch, drink, or use drugs to avoid dealing with their emotions and problems,” she explains. In some cases, trauma (sexual or non-sexual) can lead to hypersexual behavior— Melancon says this is largely a way to deal with ongoing and uncomfortable nervous system reactions in the body.

Some mental health conditions, such as obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) may be associated with a change in sex drive and sexual interest.

What to do if you’re worried about your high sex drive

It’s definitely possible to have a very high sex drive and have healthy sexual relationships, but an elevated sex drive might lead to risky sexual behavior, Melancon warns. This may present as sex without a condom or birth control, legal risks (such as sex in public places), and/or crossing others’ boundaries (such as manipulating others for sex or in extreme cases, committing rape or sexual assault).

If you’re concerned about the risks of your high sex drive, she suggests considering certain questions: Are there emotional, relational, or behavioral patterns in your sex drive and/or sexual behavior? (i.e., do certain emotions, relationship challenges, or behaviors seem to lead to increased sexual interest?) If you are acting on your sexual urges, are you keeping yourself safe or are you putting yourself at risk in ways you would not if your sex drive was lower? Have you experienced any negative consequences from your sexual behavior?

Also ask yourself if you have unmet emotional needs that you may be attempting to address through sex. “For instance, some people crave to feel wanted, seen (literally and figuratively), or loved—and while all of these are perfectly human wants, they may attempt to get them met through unhealthy ways, which often ironically take us farther from what we truly need deep down,” Melancon explains.

If you notice that sex is taking the place of time spent with family, sleeping, or eating, and/or it’s affecting your day-to-day functionality overall, schedule an appointment with a psychologist or psychiatrist, Dr. Magavi advises. If you feel like you’re losing control, or you feel helpless, it’s important to reach out for help.

During any professional evaluation, it’s normal to be asked if you have any concerns about your sexual functioning or beahvior, Dr. Krueger says. To get the most out of the experience, be honest and remember that no reputable mental health practitioner will pass moral judgment. Their role is to help you work through the root issues and reach a place where you’re happy and comfortable with your sex drive—whatever it looks like.

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10 sex drive myths experts say are toxic and gendered

    • Many sex drive myths are based on out-dated gender norms.

    • Sex drive varies from person to person regardless of their gender.

    • A person’s sex drive might change over the course of their life.

     

    A person’s sex drive doesn’t depend on their gender and everyone’s libido fluctuates throughout their life.

    By Carla Delgado

    Sex drive (or libido) is the instinct, desire, or energy to engage in sexual behavior. There’s no right or wrong frequency or amount of sex. Everyone has their own baseline of what “normal” libido is because it varies from one individual to another.

    “Desire for sex is based on a variety of factors, including how we feel mentally and physically, the setting, the stimuli, the person(s) we are with. Sexual desire ebbs and flows in response to situations,” says Justin R. Garcia, MS, PhD, whose a sex researcher and executive director of the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University.

    There are a number of myths surrounding sex drive like how oysters stimulate desire and all men have a high sex drive. It is important to debunk these misconceptions to prevent people from spreading inaccurate information and to prevent folks from putting unnecessary pressure on themselves or partners

    Here are some of the most commonly held myths about sex drive that we need to stop believing.

    Myth 1: Women have a lower sex drive than men

    Aside from the false, though common, assumption that there are only two genders or sexes, a 2014 study showed that sexual desire manifests similarly among men and women based on sexual arousal and motivation, as well as the frequency of sexual desire. It also concluded that gender norms and inaccurate methods used in research influence supposed gender differences.

    Libido can be affected by pregnancy, breastfeeding, illness, menopause, or andropause because of hormonal changes, but it doesn’t mean that women inherently have a lower sex drive than men. “Any given woman may report a much higher or much lower baseline interest in sex than any given man,” says Garcia.

    Myth 2: Oysters are an aphrodisiac

    Foods like oysters, chocolates, strawberries, and honey are often thought of as aphrodisiacs, which increase sexual desire when consumed. However, this claim isn’t supported by science. There is limited research suggesting that any specific food can increase sex drive, but a well-balanced diet can improve overall heart health which often supports better sexual health, says Seth Cohen, MD, MPH, assistant professor of urology and director of the division of sexual medicine at NYU Grossman School of Medicine. Many may find chocolate– or any other sensually appetizing item– appealing because it is often a source of pleasure, supporting a person’s interest in further good feelings, including sexual enjoyment. 

    Myth 3: You can never increase your sex drive

    Sex drive can increase or decrease depending on various circumstances, so it is possible to boost your libido when it is lower than what is normal for you. According to Cohen, an individual can do this by engaging in movement or exercise you enjoy,  reducing stress, increasing mindfulness, and having a diet that aligns with your health needs. Lack of quality sleep also affects sexual function, so get about seven to nine hours of sleep every night, and check out these tips for how to sleep better if you’re having trouble.

    Myth 4: People with chronic illnesses or disabilities always have a low sex drive

    It’s a common misconception that disabled people are less sexual than able-bodied people. “Some people experience their sexual pleasure differently than others, but that doesn’t mean they necessarily have more or less interest in sexual activity,” says Garcia. Chronic illnesses and disabilities may affect sexual function or arousal, but it’s wrong to think that they don’t enjoy or can’t have sex. Keep in mind that pleasure and intimacy don’t look the same for everybody and there’s more to sex than penetration. 

    Myth 5: All men have a high sex drive

    “All men do not have a high sex drive. I see plenty of men daily from the ages of 20 to 80 who have low sex drive for various reasons, whether depression, anxiety, stress, low self esteem and body image, weight gain, poor diet, multiple medical problems, and more,” says Cohen. Sexual desire varies, so the basis for a “high sex drive” is subjective. It’s also harmful to everyone involved to think men have a high sex drive, it puts unrealistic standards on men and harmful expectations for others.

    Myth 6: Age is the only factor that can reduce sex drive

    While it’s true that sex drive can change with age, there are plenty of psychological and physical factors that can affect it. Mental and emotional well-being, and habits such as smoking, drinking, and certain drugs, can all cause a low sex drive. Relationship factors and fears of consequences (such as an STI or pregnancy) can also greatly hinder a person’s sex drive. 

    Myth 7: You need to have sex often to maintain a high sex drive

    “Frequent sexual activity is not necessary in order to maintain a healthy and satisfying libido,” says Garcia. While it’s true that having sex can increase the desire for more sex, “most people can become aroused and experience sexual desire in the absence of recent sexual activity, even after long periods of abstinence,” says Garcia.

    Myth 8: Pornography doesn’t affect sex drive

    Porn, specifically ethically produced porn, in and of itself is not problematic, what can be problematic is how people engage with porn. However, pornography can decrease sex drive by conditioning an individual’s sexual arousal to elements of pornography that don’t reflect in reality, leading to unrealistic ideas of intimacy, relationships,  and body image expectations. Sexual imagery can also increase libido by encouraging a person to have a deeper sexual relationship with themself and by priming their sexual excitement. However, many people who watch pornography, either alone or with a partner, continue to have sexual desire even without pornographic stimuli, says Garcia.

    Myth 9: Having a low sex drive means you can’t enjoy sex

    “Someone can have relatively low sexual interest, but then become aroused rather quickly,” says Garcia. People often have what is called responsive desire, which means that while they may not feel the urge to initiate sex, they do still enjoy it. Even though an individual wants to have sex less frequently than they usually do, they can still enjoy it as much as they did before. “Sex is satisfying in itself. A low sex drive just means you want less of it,” says Cohen. 

    Myth 10: It’s wrong or bad to have a low sex drive

    Everyone’s sex drive is different and it normally fluctuates over time. However, if your low sex drive is distressing you or negatively affecting your relationship, you can seek a medical professional or sex therapist to discuss your sexual health and address possible causes.

    “Low sex drive is not bad, but if it’s zero for long periods of time, then further medical workup is warranted,” says Cohen. It may be a sign of underlying health problems such as an arousal disorder, the inability to attain or maintain sexual interest.

    It’s also possible that someone with low or no sexual desire is asexual.

    Many of the myths around sex drive are generalizations about a particular group of people or misinformation about the factors that affect libido. According to Garcia, “scientifically accurate sex education is woefully lacking especially here in the United States,” which might explain why there are questions and misconceptions around sex, including sex drive.

    It’s important to understand that the desire to engage in sexual behavior largely varies between people, so you shouldn’t automatically assume that everyone has the same sex drive as you. Before engaging in sexual activity, have an honest discussion with your partner/s about individual desires to establish clear boundaries.

    “In the world of sexuality, variation is the norm,” says Garcia. If you’re concerned about your sexual health, seek a medical professional for a consultation.

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I Haven’t Had Sex In A Year

– And It’s Made Me Completely Rethink My Concept Of Pleasure

By Kayla Jacobs

I haven’t had sex in a year. Just over a year, to be precise. And when it’s been 365 days and counting, every single second matters.

When you’re in the prime of your life, you’re supposed to be having a lot of sex. Isn’t it the ultimate sign of desirability, power, and magnetism? Not having it, by the same token, means you’re… flawed, unattractive, hopeless. Late at night (well, actually, at all times of the day), I’ve tormented myself with these notions.

I derive much of my sense of pleasure from what I give as opposed to what I receive. Flying solo is epic, but, for me, sex doesn’t truly count unless it’s with another living, breathing human. Two months is a dry spell. Twelve months plus is akin to a crime. I’ve allowed feelings of shame to percolate – shame that I haven’t let someone else into my innermost sanctum, shame about being a woman in her childbearing years who does want children but isn’t doing the physical act that brings them forth.

In March, after seven years in the US, I returned to London, drawn back by Covid, wanting to be nearer my family. While the visceral, messy glory of being with another human played like a loop in my mind, I made a pact: I would start to savour the smallest of moments and triumph in that connection with myself whenever I damn well could. I took joy in the fleeting: a pastel-hued sunset, a fat red rose, winks from perfect strangers, greedily inhaling the earthy cologne of passers-by. These teeny tiny moments began to feel like the very largest of pleasures to me, the biggest fireworks in the sky.

I became adept at tracing every inch of my physical body, inviting her daily to cross self-imposed barriers. I raged against my femininity, too, turning away from my reflection so that I couldn’t remember what I’d lost sight of. I thought about decamping to the foothill of the Himalayas to lead a monastic and pandemic-free life while simultaneously imagining what it would be like if I were run over while wearing mismatched underwear, leaving an odorous trail of “Chaste” hanging in the air. Who would ever know?

Why haven’t I been intimate with someone? Besides the circumstantial, Covid made the mere thought of kissing anyone feel as scary as jumping out of a plane with no parachute. Then, I reconnected with an old flame on the other side of the world – he was recording an album in Nashville, and the serenading and seducing through the ether made me feel alive for a hot minute. Ultimately, creativity only took us so far, with audio messages, texting, and image-sharing morphing into a bad country ballad tied up in a synthetic rhinestone shirt.

Having experienced bouts of abstinence before – though I’ve never defined them as that – this time, I wanted to prioritise my pleasure viscerally, care for the things that felt broken, find a voice for the things untouched, unsaid and unseen within me. And so, I experimented with all manner of sex tech – beginning with a pelvic floor trainer (yes, yes, it’s a thing), moving on to unique pastel shapes that gave potent vibrations. I tried an amethyst yoni egg. I read “erotic” literature that ran the gamut from Anaïs Nin to Bram Stoker, DH Lawrence, and Lisa Taddeo, devouring fictional depictions of other people’s sexual adventures and missteps which comforted and sometimes turned me on.< I listened to Dipsea, described as “sexy audio stories that spark your imagination and get you in the mood”, and podcasts such as Melissa Wells’s Love Sex & Magic, Kim Anami’s Orgasmic Enlightenment, and a lot of The Adam Buxton Podcast (I find his voice and thoughts very sexy). I layered all manner of scented offerings on myself, trying to figure out what combination is dynamite to my nose while lighting candles and nearly burning my home down, all in an ode to my favourite sense: smell. I sang along to songs that felt for a few minutes like they belonged just to me: “Unfinished Sympathy” (Massive Attack), “I Want You” (Marvin Gaye), “Glory Box” (Portishead), “The Sweetest Taboo” (Sade).

And I gave myself plenty of orgasms. I fed my hungry skin with self-touch and attention, in a manner entirely separate from reimagining the weight of a man I might fancy the pants off enveloping me.

It’s been interesting watching in slow-motion as the wheels of the world have screeched to a standstill, and how I’ve wanted sex so much more, prioritised it in my head, ruminated on passion and the privilege of permission, especially in the face of fear and anxiety. The lack of physical intimacy has consumed me because it’s the ultimate barometer of what it means to be alive – in a world where we as women are often expected to put ourselves last, enforced isolation has cut to the heart of desire as a thing of uncommon beauty, to be upheld no matter what.

When I reached out to Dorottya Varga from Heroine Journal, an e-zine that amplifies the female perspective through a holistic lens, she congratulated me on not having had sex for a year, which made me smile and then made me feel proud. She said she was new to celibacy but was choosing not to have physical intimacy or be in a physical relationship for the time being because she believed that her desires are shaping her reality. “My desires most of my life have revolved around sex or men. I’m finding myself constantly chasing being in relationships, and I need a perspective shift,” she said. “I believe that sexual energy is creative energy, and if I am to focus all of that energy on me, I know I can build anything I want for myself, create an endless pot, give all that juice to me.”

Giving my fears and desires room to flourish has been challenging. At times, the shame and the pride mingle in a strange stew which sometimes I want to devour and other times completely repulses me. But, on reflection, thinking about my sex life as part of a daily self-care ritual – an inherently solitary pursuit – seems to me like the gateway to genuine connection. Isolation has become more than just feeling sad, lonely, or even the fantasy of a next encounter, but about imagining what it might be like to restart my sex life from a different perspective, the one where I embrace that noble ideal: intimacy with myself, even when I don’t feel like it.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex Therapist Says This Is the Most Common Issue I Treat

By Mary Grace Garis

Sex therapist and cognitive scientist Nan Wise, PhD, author of Good Sex Matters, has been exploring sex from all angles since becoming a psychotherapist in the 1980s (she became a certified sex therapist in 2008). And through it all, one common sexual problem keeps coming up in her work.  “As a sex therapist, I’ve observed that the biggest issue that stalls a sex life after the honeymoon glow of new relationship energy wears off boils down to one basic problem: the individuals’ libidos or sexual love styles that simply don’t match,” says Dr. Wise.

While sexual desire comes in different forms (think: spontaneous versus responsive desire) that can work together, Dr. Wise contends that it’s the “desire curve” that comes into play with new relationships that poses a big challenge to mismatched styles of intimate engagement and sex drive. That is, when we first date someone, our new relationship energy (NRE) makes our horniness spike, inviting us to kind of forget our resting or “baseline desire” rate.

“The desire curve is the natural path your sexual desire takes, from the lower point at baseline to the big juicy peak of NRE—followed by the inevitable and slippery slide down into post-NRE,” says Dr. Wise. “Whether you start off with a relatively high or a relatively low level of sexual desire at baseline, NRE is going to drive up your sexual energy. This is what fuels us feeling the post-NRE crash so acutely. “

And after the crash, it’s common to discover a conflict of what Dr. Wise calls erotic “love styles,” which includes both what turns us on and how we like to have sex. So in order to bridge the gap between mismatched libidos and get yourself excited again, she suggests a multi-pronged approach.

Dr. Wise says the most common sexual problem she treats is mismatched desire and love stye. Here are her 6 tips to bridge the gap.

1. Start by sorting out where you are on the desire curve.

Don’t sweat about where exactly you are, “enjoy the peaks and don’t sweat the valleys,” she says.

2. Identify your own and your partner’s erotic “love-style”

When you’re in the honeymoon period, love style maybe not even be something you notice, but since partners can have vastly different preferences, take note. For example, someone who needs soulful connection to access their sexual energy might have trouble with a rough-and-tumble lover who’s more interested in athletic sex than eye-gazing after the big NRE buzz wears off. At this point, if it seems you and your partner aren’t meshing well, don’t panic.

“Mismatched libidos can provide an opportunity to explore and expand your own erotic repertoire,” says Dr. Wise. “Use the bedroom as a playground to get inventive with your sexual styles.” Dr. Wise also developed a test for designating what your erotic love-style might be. Take the test, and also have your partner, and then use the results as a talking point to keep communication lines open.

3. Learn to stoke your own responsive desire

When the excitement of NRE wears down, we return to stoking the embers of our own responsive energy instead. Think about all the little rituals that came naturally during the early days of the relationship, like, say, flirting.

“Be the lover you want to have,” says Dr. Wise. “Show intense interest in your partner. And don’t be afraid to take matters in your own hands and get the juices flowing by giving your partner and yourself a jump-start with some physical strokes as well.”

4. Take risks to ask for what you want in the bedroom

“This is the way to keep your sex life alive,” says Dr. Wise. “Stop relying on your habitual sexual relationship and start relating in present time. Cultivate the courage to get bolder in conversations in and out of the bedroom. If you aren’t comfortable with taking risks, all the more reason to do so. And if you lack ideas, ask your partner what [they] really, really want. That’s taking a risk, too.”

5. Address lingering resentments that might be dampening your desire for your partner

This could be as serious as infidelity or as simple as them not ever doing the dishes. Whatever it is, talk it out.

“There’s nothing as dulling to a sex life as long-standing, low-boiling upsets or frustrations,” Dr. Wise says. “Make sure to spring clean the basement of your relationship by having regular and productive active-listening sessions—the number one tool I teach couples—so you can get mad and get over it!”

6. Learn to turn yourself on

Sure, that might mean tapping into your self-pleasure regularly and not neglecting your vibrator just because you have an S.O. But it also means really establishing your individuality, and having a life outside of your relationship that’s fulfilling and rich.

“People who cultivate lifelong sexual potential are those who are erotically engaged in living,” says Dr. Wise. “They pursue their passions for learning and experience as human beings. When we cultivate ourselves as separate individuals, we can be both part of and apart from our relationships in ways that enliven. Go out and fall in love with life and bring that home to your partner.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What to Do When You and Your Partner Have Wildly Different Sex Drives

For starters, know that this is a couple problem… not a you problem.

By Steph Auteri

My husband’s idea of a fantastic evening is to “Netflix and chill.” My idea of a fantastic evening is to pull on palazzo-style lounge pants, crawl into bed by 9 p.m., and read until I pass out.

I could blame motherhood. The pandemic. The overwhelming stress and exhaustion of being a woman who has just turned 40 and who happens to be juggling way too many responsibilities. All of these things are true.

But in all honesty, these elements only amplify a discrepancy in desire that has always existed between myself and my husband.

My appetite for sex has never been as large as his. And because I’ve spent much of our relationship assuming this was an indication of some sort of personal deficiency on my part, our sex life has been the source of much angst. For both of us.

But this desire gap between partners is common. According to one study, desire and frequency issues (both low sexual desire and desire discrepancy) are the most reported sexual concerns (34%) among women. A more recent study delivered similar results, with 40% of participants reporting low sexual desire. This call-out of “low sexual desire” is also likely an indicator of desire discrepancy between partners. After all, we often measure our desire levels in relation to the person we’re with.

Still, sexual desire discrepancy doesn’t have to be the bogeyman it’s often made out to be. According to new research published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, how couples respond to these discrepancies can actually improve their overall relationship satisfaction.

The Desire Gap Is a Normal Part of Most Relationships

Our levels of desire shift over the course of our lives and, by extension, over the course of our relationships. This happens as a result of many factors, including age, stress levels, and relationship status. Being mentally prepared for these shifts can make all the difference in the world in terms of sexual and relationship satisfaction.

Kristen Mark, Ph.D., MPH — a sex and relationships researcher, educator, and therapist and one of the authors of this most recent study — says that expectations play a huge part in how sexual desire discrepancy impacts a relationship. “What I see clinically with couples struggling is, ‘I thought our sex life was so amazing. I thought this is what it would [always] be,'” says Mark. This attitude ensures that the inevitable desire fluctuations that occur over the course of a relationship become a source of distress.

She says that couples who don’t catastrophize, on the other hand, have it easier. These couples acknowledge the ways in which desire shifts and, because they see these fluctuations as normal, they don’t necessarily treat them as a huge problem that must be fixed. Because of this, they can roll with the changes going on in the bedroom.

“When I first started dating my husband, we could have sex eight times in a weekend. We were just animalistic. Now, maybe it’s been eight months since we had sex. I don’t know. I’m just not counting anymore.” – Briana, 31

“I remember when I first started dating my husband and we could have sex eight times in a weekend. We were just animalistic,” says Briana, 31. Three kids later, “now, maybe it’s been eight months since we had sex. I don’t know. I’m just not counting anymore.”

The women I spoke to about their sex lives pinpointed various reasons for the desire gaps in their relationships. Like me, Briana has been feeling the stress of motherhood. She told me that sometimes, after an exhausting day of running after kids and breastfeeding her youngest, her body feels more like a tool than anything else. “At the end of the day,” she says, “there’s nothing left to give.”

Laura Zam, a sexuality educator and the author of The Pleasure Plan, echoes this. Adding to the average stressors of her day, Zam has spent her life grappling with painful intercourse. For her, the prospect of sex can seem especially daunting. “It’s a feeling of, sometimes, anger,” she says, speaking to how she used to feel blindsided by her husband’s desire when the day was over. “My body was finally mine and I did not want to share it.”

“His sex drive is much more influenced by outside factors. A tough week at work… depression… anxiety… he loses interest. But sex makes me feel better.” – Annika, 42

Annika, 42, meanwhile, points out the ways in which sex can sometimes hold different meanings for individuals. “The short version is that I’m horny more often than my husband,” she says. “The longer version is that his sex drive is much more influenced by outside factors. A tough week at work… depression… anxiety… he loses interest. But sex makes me feel better.

How the Desire Gap Can Place Strain on a Relationship

In many cases, these discrepancies between partners can cause distress — on both sides. The person with the higher libido may feel rejected, while the one with the lower libido may feel some combination of guilt and resentment.

“When we don’t have sex, my husband feels he’s not good enough or not attractive enough,” says Briana. “But it’s not that I don’t want to have sex with him. I don’t want to have sex with anybody. At the end of the day, I’m touched out. I don’t want anybody to need me for anything. It has nothing to do with my relationship with him.”

For others, it can be viewed as a lack of effort in maintaining intimacy. “My husband would say, ‘This is not important to you. You don’t seem to be really invested in this part of our relationship,'” Zam says. “I felt guilty. And it brought up these feelings of brokenness. I already felt broken, sexually. Obviously, something was wrong with me.”

How Some Couples Have Defused the Tension Caused by Sexual Desire Discrepancy

Happily, all of the women to whom I spoke feel that, as time has passed, they’ve been able to respond to these sexual differences in a healthier way. Their number one tip, of course, is a lot of communication.

“In the last few years,” says Annika, who has been with her husband for 22 years, “we started talking about our feelings and are much more on the same page.”

She explains how, at the beginning of their relationship, they handled their desire discrepancy poorly, both of them holding onto resentment. But in recent years, their coping mechanisms have changed. “Annoyingly, yes,” she says. “Communication is key.”

“I think it’s important to not let it become this elephant in the room,” says Mark. “To work together to come up with solutions.”

And in fact, Mark’s research shows that relational strategies developed by both partners — versus by just one partner — were associated with greater sexual and relationship satisfaction. Mark explains that desire discrepancy is a “dyadic issue,” an issue created by the interaction between two individuals. “This isn’t something one person has to bear the load of,” she says. “People tend to pathologize the individual with lower desire and that shouldn’t be the case. Why is lower desire worse than higher desire? It’s just desire.”

People tend to pathologize the individual with lower desire and that shouldn’t be the case. Why is lower desire worse than higher desire? It’s just desire. – Kristen Mark, Ph.D., MPH

And when couples begin to communicate about their desire, better solutions naturally arise. For Briana and her husband, for example, there is an ongoing conversation around how they can find a middle ground that makes both of them happy.

Sometimes, that means engaging in maintenance sex. “It’s about me fulfilling a need for him because I love him,” says Briana.

In other cases, it means redefining what sex is, and also embracing non-sexual intimacy.

“What I found was that, when I was declining sex, I was declining a very narrow definition of sex,” says Zam. “I started to ask myself what was interesting to me sexually… erotically. What I don’t enjoy is when [penetrative sex] is the be-all and end-all. I need a lot of variety. I like to go into a sexual romantic encounter with no preconceived notions of what the activity will be. It may or may not include orgasm. It just depends on what I’m in the mood for.”

She explains that she learned to “find her own ‘yes,'” even when her body was saying “no.”

“I’d respect the ‘no,'” she says, “but is there an authentic ‘yes’ there and where is it? What would be nice right now?”

Briana, meanwhile, spoke of how she and her husband became able to acknowledge the natural ebbs and flows in desire. “It’s not always going to be like this,” says Briana. “We can not have sex and still have fun with each other. We can find other things for our relationship to be based off of other than our sexual relationship.”

She mentions how she and her husband sometimes shower together, and how it doesn’t have to be sexual in nature, but can still be positive physical touch — a term that is often used by child psychologists to describe the sort of touch that encourages connection and bonding. “There are so many different ways to show your spouse positive touch,” she says. “It doesn’t always have to end in orgasm.”

In the end, when it comes to the research around desire discrepancy, Mark speculates that perhaps the solutions we’ve historically been given for managing the desire gap in our relationships aren’t necessarily the best solutions for the relationship itself.

Masturbation, for example, is one of the most commonly suggested (and used) strategies among couples whose desire levels don’t match up, but its use doesn’t actually lead to greater relationship satisfaction — unless it’s been discussed as part of a larger conversation.

“I think that’s the most important piece,” says Mark when asked about the biggest takeaway from her research. “Treating this couples issue as a couples issue.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 questions we kept asking therapists during lockdown

by Kayleigh Dray

Is it normal that we haven’t had sex in ages? And how do we start (ahem) doing it again? Here are the five questions we most wanted to ask a couples therapist over lockdown, answered.

Whether you believe a second wave is inevitable or not, there’s no denying that the long weeks we spent in coronavirus lockdown were a funny old time indeed. In a bid to flatten the Covid-19 curve, we stayed indoors as much as possible, we worked from home if we were able, and we avoided public transport like the literal plague.

But how did all that social distancing impact our relationships?

Or, to put it more bluntly, what did it do to our sex lives?

In a bid to learn more about how our (ahem) Netflix ‘n’ Chill vibes changed during the pandemic (if at all), we reached out to Dr Kalanit Ben-Ari.

And the psychologist, author, and couples therapist came up trumps, revealing the five questions she was asked most during lockdown, as well as the answers she offered up.

Prepare to feel extremely seen.

We’re experiencing burnout due to being together 24/7. How can we add a bit of spice and excitement to our sex life?

Lockdown has forced many of us to spend more time at home than ever before. Even though this extra time brings its own set of perks, being cooped up with your partner constantly can take away the opportunity to miss each other, and each day becomes predictable, routine, and lacks spontaneity.

With lockdown life now the new normal, it’s become all too easy to fall into the same well-worn routine that leaves spontaneity and novelty on the backburner. That’s why it’s vital to find different ways to create some space to give you both the chance to develop your passion, or even just relax and recharge your batteries. Igniting new energy and experiences can add a splash of excitement that, in my opinion, is necessary to stimulate relationships.

As with all new things, communication is key. Have a chat with your partner about what each of you would like to do to bring a new sense of spice to your sex life. Ask each other questions. 

Try something like:

  1. What does sex mean to each of you? 
  2. What would you both like to try? 
  3. How would trying new things benefit not just your sex life but your relationship as a whole? 
  4. And, how can you make the process of discovery more fun and exciting?

An easy way to begin is to take it in turns to bring something new to the bedroom each week. One thing I often suggest to my clients is to learn a massage technique to generate desire. You could do an online course or watch clips to get to grips with techniques, bringing your newfound skill to your partner each week is what matters. This will help keep the spark of spontaneity and novelty alive and build anticipation for each new encounter.

We haven’t had sex for months, how do I initiate it now?

Establishing an intimate and mindful connection should be your top priority rather than putting an emphasis on purely having sex to achieve an orgasm. When life takes over it can be all too easy to avoid intimacy, which is why it’s so important that you schedule and loosely plan ‘date nights’. That way you enjoy the anticipatory build-up to them. Clear your to-do list so that you can be fully present in the moment without any distraction and show up with excitement rather than an anxiety of the unknown.

I often recommend to my clients to read Hot Monogamy: Essential Steps to More Passionate Intimate Lovemaking by Jo Robinson and Patricia Love as it includes exercises couples can explore together. I also strongly recommend keeping the bedroom a screen-free zone by removing all phones, laptops, TVs and tablets. Then, take the opportunity to go to your bedroom together an hour earlier than usual, giving you a better opportunity to connect.

It may feel intimidating in the beginning, but by continuing to practice being present and mindful in the moment (rather than having your thoughts drift to the past or future worries) you’ll experience real, fulfilling progress.

My libido has been low since the Covid-19 outbreak. What can I do to increase it?

First of all, take the time to learn about your body fully. Get to grips with what turns you on and what turns you off so that you become the master of your own desires and needs. Deepening your understanding of your body means you can talk to and teach your partner about what you like and the new things you learn without shaming or criticizing what they already do for you.

Secondly, focus on becoming the master of your partner’s body. Learn from their non-verbal reactions and ask them what, where, and how they like to be touched. Consider getting your partner to demonstrate what they like or write instructions as a fun way to discover each other. The main idea here is to be relaxed, mindful, and present during intimate moments with your partner so that you both let go of any expectations or worries around performance anxiety.

A fun exercise to try out is taking turns showing each other how you like to be touched. Do it to your partner, then your partner copies, and does it to you. Keep going for half an hour and you’ll notice the difference in desire in no time.

How can we create space for sex when the children are at home all the time?

Many couples feel self-conscious about having sex when their children are in the next room. For many, it can be a huge turn-off. However, as there are still a few weeks until the summer holidays come to an end and kids (potentially) go back to school, I recommend that parents create strategies that give them the time and space to connect intimately sooner rather than later. Strategies will differ depending on the age of the children but there are simple steps couples can take to carve out more time together.

Why not consider arranging playdates for your children at the same time? Or wake up an hour earlier than the children in the morning? Or maybe even try to squeeze a nap in during the day so that you’re more alert and awake at night when the kids go to bed? 

If you have a babysitter or family member helping out with childcare, get them to arrange a day out for your kids or a movie day so you and your partner can get some alone time. As long as you’re actively looking for opportunities to plan and create space for sex and intimacy, you’ll find a way that works for you.

Our anxiety over Covid-19 is harming our ability to enjoy intimacy together. What can we do to let go of our worries?

The past few months have been overwhelming, to say the least, with many couples experiencing the financial and mental health fallouts of living through the coronavirus pandemic. During such times of stress, some people crave intimacy, whereas others prefer to avoid it at all costs. Neither is better or worse than the other, each is just a different way to manage anxiety.

Know that it’s OK to not feel OK during this time. Millions of people around the world are worried too and it’s perfectly natural to feel anxious.

You can take easy steps to help limit your anxiety levels each day. From listening to music, playing an instrument or going for a walk and getting active outdoors, to having massages, practising mindfulness, meditation and breathing techniques and using aromatic oils like Frankincense – all of these activities will help focus your mind in the moment.

And, by remaining in the present (rather than worrying about the past or future), your anxiety levels will decrease.

The key is to determine what the focus of your mind is. Focus on being mindful of your romantic relationship, take deep breaths together, hold eye contact, soften your eyes, and connect with each one of your senses. Be aware of your body and ask your partner for an extra-long hug several times a day. We all need a good hug once in a while, especially now when distance is the new normal. Focus on taking little steps to improve and get joy from your relationship will slowly drop your anxiety level.

However, if you feel your anxiety levels are constantly high and your work, wellbeing, and relationships are beginning to be negatively affected by it, it’s advisable to reach out for professional help. Reaching out for therapy can support you to achieve the intimacy experience you desire.

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The Pandemic Has Killed My Sex Drive,

But My Partner’s Has Skyrocketed. What Do We Do?

During quarantine, you might find that you’re hornier than usual. For others, sex is the last thing on their mind.

By Cassandra Corrado

Do you and your partners crave cheese fries at the same time? Probably not.

Sexual desire is kind of like wanting cheese fries. At any given moment you might be really excited for them, interested but not actively pursuing, or staunchly against them. It all depends on context and a number of influences at that moment. Just like it’s totally normal to want cheese fries when your partner wants pizza, it is totally normal for partners to experience different levels of sexual desire.

Since self-isolation became an essential part of our day-to-day lives during the COVID-19 pandemic, the number of questions that I’ve gotten from people on social media dealing with differences in sexual desire is remarkable—but, ultimately, unsurprising.

As a sex educator, typically only about 2 percent of the questions I receive are about mismatched sex drive. Last week, they made up nearly 90 percent.

So, there’s no better time to dive into what exactly is happening here.

How sex drive really works

Your level of sexual desire is affected by two things: Your sexual excitement system and your sexual inhibition system.

As Emily Nagoski explains in her book Come As You Are, the things that excite you are like the gas pedals in your car: They’re the “turn-ons” that make you want to do something. Your inhibition system is like your brake pedal. And there are a lot of different things that can press on your brakes, including housework, childcare, professional stress, body image issues, a history of trauma, and, well, basically anything.

Everybody has things that sexually excite and sexually inhibit them, but when we think about sex drive, we tend to think solely about the things that arouse us.

The state of your mental health has a noticeable effect on your sex life. If you’ve noticed a drop in your or your partner’s sexual desire lately, try asking yourself if there are things in your life that are causing you more stress than usual (like, you know, a global pandemic). Stressors can inhibit your sexual desire simply by making your mind think about other things instead.

You may not be associating those stressors with sex, but your brain could be.

In the United States, we’re taught through movies and television that sexual desire is spontaneous. You meet somebody, and—bam!—you’re horny and ready for anything. You know that scene where two people are making out in an apartment building hallway, then tearing their clothes off, and then you fast forward to the duo tired and satisfied after? Though common on screen, those scenarios don’t reflect the majority of sexual experiences. Sexual desire is rarely spontaneous; more often than not, it’s fostered.

That means you might have to create a sexy context for you and your partners to feel in the mood. That sexy context could be a lot of different things: Maybe that means wearing clothing or underwear that make you feel confident, or maybe it means that all of the dishes are done.

Regardless of what your context is, the important thing to note is that you can make changes to your environment that open you up to sex. You and your partners each have your own individual excitement/inhibition systems though, and sometimes they just won’t match up.

What to do when you’re craving sex and your partner isn’t

During quarantine, you might find that you’re hornier than usual. For some people, sex serves as a grounding technique. Pleasure can be a means of distraction during otherwise uncertain or overwhelming times, and the dopamine and oxytocin boost that comes with orgasm can make you feel good—even for a little bit. Plus, you might just be bored.

For others, sex is the last thing on their mind. Both responses are normal and okay.

Differences in sexual desire can cause issues in relationships even during relatively low-stress periods. So, if you and your sexual partner are quarantined together and coping with unequal sex drives, conflict may arise.

When it does, remember that a sudden shift in sexual desire doesn’t necessarily mean that your partner is no longer attracted to you. More likely, it means that there are a lot of things pressing on their sexual brakes. The way to alleviate that stress isn’t by confronting or shaming the person; it’s by having an open conversation about what is going on for them mentally, emotionally, physically, and sexually.

Try asking questions like:

  • “I’ve noticed that we have (or haven’t) been having sex lately. How are you feeling about our sex life right now?”
  • “Since we’re avoiding sex right now, I’d like to find some other ways for us to feel intimate. What are some things that sound enjoyable to you?”
  • “I feel like COVID-19 has affected so many parts of our lives—even our sex life. Have you noticed that too? How has it been affecting you?”

Open-ended, non-judgmental questions.

One important note—the time to have this conversation is not when you’re partially undressed and in bed. Take the conversation out of the bedroom, and you’ll reduce the likelihood that someone feels rejected or pressured to respond in a particular way.

You won’t know how your partner is feeling until you talk to them, so have the conversation even if it feels difficult. You might find that your partner is afraid to initiate sex right now because they’re uncertain if sex is safe. Or, perhaps they’re feeling so overwhelmed by the current environment that sex just isn’t a priority.

It’s essential to note that if your partner says they don’t want to have sex right now, that doesn’t mean you should convince them it’s okay. “No,” “I’m not sure,” and “Not right now” all mean no, so respect that.

If partnered sex is off the table, ask yourself what feeling or outcome you’re seeking from sex. Is it physical closeness? Orgasm? Intimacy? Exercise? Catharsis?

Knowing the outcome you’re searching for can help you pinpoint other ways to achieve it. If you’re looking for physical closeness, maybe cuddling, a long hug, or giving a massage would help. If it’s orgasm, masturbation can be an alternative. Intimacy can be fostered by disconnecting from technology and planning an at-home date. A yearning for physical activity can be fulfilled by doing a live-streamed workout or other safe, physically distant exercises. And if it’s catharsis you’re looking for, try consuming media that you know brings you extreme joy, tears to your eyes, or whatever emotion you want to feel.

No matter which route you take, make sure to continue talking with your partners about your sex life. The number one thing that gets in the way of pleasurable sex isn’t lack of technique, desire, or new toys; it’s lack of communication.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!