Category: SEXUAL PEFORMANCE

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Sexless relationships aren’t uncommon—here’s what to do if you’re in one

— Here’s what to do if you’re in one

It doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship’s over

By

You know how many of your pals are proudly posting about their Stanley cups, favourite books, and hot girl walks? Well, odds are, even more of your friends are silently suffering through a sex drought. So, if you’re currently craving more coitus than your partner wants to, can, or is willing to participate in, you can take comfort in the fact that you’re not alone.

Many people don’t talk about their dry spells, because it can feel embarrassing to imply that something is ‘wrong’ in your relationship, says Shannon Chavez Qureshiz, PsyD, CST, a licensed psychologist and sex therapist based in Beverly Hills. But actually, it’s a common experience. ‘Most couples go through a period of being sexless,’ she says.

Research backs this claim up: One 2018 survey published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found more than 15 percent of married folks hadn’t had sex the previous year. But the actual statistics may even be higher than these numbers, according to Chavez. ‘Most people in sexless relationships do not disclose to others they are in a sexless relationship, due to the social stigma associated with the lack,’ she says. So, the good news: you’re not alone. But, the less-good news: the knowledge that (many!) other people are currently wading through a sex drought doesn’t make it easier to figure out what you should do.

Meet the experts: Shannon Chavez Qureshiz, PsyD, CST, is a licensed psychologist and sex therapist based in Beverly Hills. Carolina Pataky, PhD, LMFT, is a sexologist and co-founder of South Florida’s Love Discovery Institute. Rachel Wright, LMFT, is a New York-based licensed psychotherapist and host of The Wright Conversations podcast.

Ahead, sex and relationship therapists answer all your questions about being in a sexless relationship, including what causes it and what you can do to fix it. (Yes, that means that many sexless relationships can return to their sex-filled beginnings—with a little tenderness, love, care, and conversation.)

What is a sexless relationship?

Traditionally, sexless relationships are defined by a lack of—or low occurrence of— intercourse within a relationship. ‘A widely used benchmark on the topic says relationships are sexless when sex happens less than 10 times per year,’ says Carolina Pataky, PhD, LMFT, a sexologist and co-founder of South Florida’s Love Discovery Institute.

The problem with this definition is that it typically centres on just one type of sex, when the definition of sex is (or at least, should be) much more expansive than intercourse, says Rachel Wright, LMFT, New York-based licensed psychotherapist and host of The Wright Conversations podcast.

‘Most people in sexless relationships do not disclose to others they are in a sexless relationship’

There’s no doubt that penis-in-vagina sex, strap-on sex, and anal sex can be pleasurable. But narrowing in on just these sex acts means that people who are having plenty of satisfying oral sex, hand hanky-panky, toy play, or mutual masturbation technically fall in the ‘sexless’ category, says Wright.

In effort to be both more inclusive and accurate, many sex educators and therapists propose a new, more nuanced understanding of sexless relationships. Chavez, for example, says the term should be reserved for partnerships where the quality, pleasure-rich physical interactions are lacking and (and this is important) this lack is distressing to one or more of the people in the relationship.

Pataky agrees that quantity shouldn’t be the sole determining factor in a sexless relationship diagnosis. ‘If both individuals in the relationship are content with their level of sexual activity—and it’s high-quality when it happens—then, regardless of its infrequency, the term ‘sexless’ might not accurately reflect their situation,’ she says.

What is the difference between a sexless relationship and a dry spell?

>Much like the differences between toe-ma-toe and toe-mah-to, the differences between sexless marriage, a dry spell, and a dead bedroom is a matter of semantics. All four imply the same concern that sexual intimacy is missing in action, says Chavez.

As you might guess, sexless marriage is a term reserved for low-copulatory couples who are wed. Meanwhile, a dry spell generally suggests that a few weeks or months have gone without an ‘adequate’ (as defined by the individual using the term) number of intimate encounters.

Someone in a dry spell, however, might not be going through a year(s)-long drought, says Pataky. ‘Usually, a dry spell is often seen as a natural ebb and flow in a relationship’s sexual dynamics, rather than a prolonged problem,’ she adds. However, Chavez notes that ‘some people feel like dry spell is a more socially acceptable term, so [they] use it over other terms, regardless of how long it has been.’

Finally, ‘dead bedroom’ generally refers to a relationship that isn’t just missing in (penetrative) sex, but also other forms of physical intimacy, too. There’s a queer-centric version of this ‘dead bedroom’ called ‘lesbian bed death,’ which also suggests a lack of action. (Though many want to retire the phrase, since it facilitates that false belief that women and non-men are less sexually-inclined than men, which is false.)

All in all, if someone is using one of these terms, they are most likely trying to express anguish. As such, whether it’s your partner, pal, or patient (heya, therapists!) who is using this language, it’s in your best interest to ask follow-up Q’s that can help you discern the exact issue.

Why are we having no (or less) sex?

To borrow a line from Elizabeth Barrett Brown, let me count the ways. ‘A sudden decrease or drop off in sexual activity can stem from a variety of reasons,’ according to Pataky. The good news is that once the trigger is identified, it can usually be trouble-shot in such a way that sex either returns, or the couple (or triad) realise they are no longer compatible, and can either restructure their relationship or split.

Ahead, 6 common culprits as to why you’re not getting it on anymore.

1. You’re busy bees.

Even a quickie takes some time! So, if you and your boo are currently only getting by with the help of your Google calendar and post-it notes, it makes sense that you’d notice a dip.

‘Having a new baby, one or more partners being in crunch time at work, and navigating a family member’s worsening health are all time-consuming things that can impact how often you have sex,’ says Pataky. Plus, all of these examples are things that take a toll on your emotional and mental bandwidth, as well, which can also throw your sex life a curveball.

If this sounds like you, Pataky says scheduling sex can be an effective strategy to enhance intimacy and connection in relationships, especially in scenarios where the spontaneity of sexual encounters has waned due to life’s demands. ‘Scheduling sex is not just about the act itself; it’s about creating a sacred space for sexual and emotional connection,’ she says.

2. You’re feeling stressed.

When you’re under periods of high stress, your stress hormone (cortisol) levels rise, explains Pataky. Because the entire endocrine system is interconnected, this can cause hormones that impact your interest in sex (such as testosterone and oestrogen) to go haywire, as well.

For some people, high stress can function a bit like an aphrodisiac, causing them to crave sex, and further enjoy the stress-relieving benefits of orgasm, says Pataky. For more people, however, there is no bigger cock or coochie block than stress.

Whether the underlying cause of the stress is financial disarray, your living situation, or work drama, finding ways to navigate it can help. Meditation, mindfulness, deep breathing, yoga, movement, and reduced caffeine intake may all prove useful. Oh, and do your best to stop stressing about how much (or how little) sex you’re currently having! Doing so is only going to exacerbate the so-called issue.

3. Someone is on the asexuality spectrum.

As individuals, our sexuality can evolve and evolve and evolve again. That’s why some people may be interested in less kinky sex in later years than they were in their 20s, while others become interested in dating across the gender spectrum after decades of only dating on one side of it. Well, an individual’s sexuality can also evolve in such a way that they find themselves hanging out on the asexuality spectrum.

Quick refresher: Asexuality is an orientation wherein individuals do not experience regular sexual attraction—if they experience it at all. Much like queer, asexual is considered an umbrella term that houses a range of non-allosexual identity, such as demisexual and graysexual.

‘Identities on the asexuality spectrum are valid sexual orientations, and individuals who identify as asexual may still form meaningful and fulfilling romantic connections,’ says Pataky. Fact is, not all people on the asexuality spectrum are also on the aromantic one. (ICYDK: Aromanticism is an orientation marked by the lack of regular romantic attraction, or interest).

‘Understanding and respecting different sexual orientations is essential for fostering inclusive and supportive romantic relationships,’ she says. So, in instances where an asexual identity underpins a lack of sex, it can be helpful for the non-asexual (also known as allosexual) partner to understand exactly what being asexual means to their partner, she says. (In addition to chatting with your partner directly, consider reading Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and The Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen).

It can also be helpful to understand the asexual partner’s current relationship to sex. Some individuals are sex-repulsed, while others are sex-neutral. Those in the latter camp may elect to have sex with their partner(s) despite not feeling sexual attraction, for a range of reasons such as the stress-relieving benefits of orgasm or the intimacy it allows them to foster with their partners.

To be clear: Happy, healthy relationships between an asexual person and an allosexual one, are possible! As is the case with other relationship dynamics, a combination of self-awareness, clear communication, and empathy are key.

4. One of you has had a medical change.

Chronic pain conditions, physical health issues, unaddressed mental health woes, medication changes or side effects, and hormonal shifts can all lead to a decrease in sexual activity within relationships, according to Pataky.

Indeed, several health conditions such as diabetes, cancer, and heart disease are known to reduce libido. Further, for medically unknown reasons, decreased libido, sexual changes, and erectile dysfunction are common side effects of a wide range of medications—including medications used to treat depression and anxiety, as well as certain forms of birth control.

Pregnancy, postpartum, nursing, perimenopause and menopause, and so on are also often times when an individual might experience a decreased interest in sex as their body goes through a massive, massive change, Pataky says. ‘In particular, the postpartum period is one typically ripe with decreased sex as the pregnant person’s body recovers, and the couple adjusts to the emotional and logistical challenges of being new parents,’ she says. Makes sense!

Whether it’s baby-related or not, if you think there’s an underlying medical or medicinal culprit to your loss of interest in sex, consult a healthcare provider ASAP. You should never (ever!) simply discontinue use of the medicine you think is the culprit. Instead, tell your doc that a dip in sex drive is one of your unwanted symptoms and see if they can prescribe an additional medication to counteract the effects, or another medication altogether.

5. There’s an emotional disconnect.

‘Recognising the complex interplay between emotional well-being and sexual well-being is crucial for trouble-shooting a sexless relationship,’ says Pataky. ‘Emotional connection between partners is fundamental to a fulfilling sex life. So, a lack of or diminished emotional bond can result in decreased sexual desire and activity.’

To be clear: It would be both inaccurate to say that all people who are in sexless relationships are emotionally unfulfilled! However, there is value in analyzing how you and your partner have been spending less quality time together, have been less verbally affirmative about your TLC, have stopped communicating with as much regularity or generosity, or have otherwise stagnated emotionally, according to Pataky. ‘It can give you a good starting point,’ she says.

6. So, so many other reasons.

To put it bluntly, the aforementioned list of reasons why you and your boo have stopped boning are just the tip of the frustrating iceberg.

For folks who are allosexual, sex drive and libido serve as a barometer of the body’s state of overall health and well-being, says Chavez. When anything that impacts overall well-being pops up, a downturn in libido—and as a result a decreased interest in partnered play—can occur. As such, ‘body image issues, sexual boredom, unaddressed relationship conflicts, infidelity on one (or both) sides, job dissatisfaction, trauma, betrayal, and sexual shame can all result in someone no longer wanting to have sex,’ she says.

The best thing an individual can do when their libido lulls is to get curious about it, says Wright. ‘The lull often serves as a check-engine light, telling you that it’s time to take inventory on what’s going on with your body and life more generally.’

So… should I stay in a sexless relationship?

There is no one size fits all answer to this question. Ultimately, it comes down to whether or not you are feeling distressed by the lack of sex, says Chavez.

‘Not having sex with your partner doesn’t necessarily imply that you are dissatisfied or not fulfilling needs in other areas of intimacy,’ she says. Some people are perfectly happy in a sexless relationship! If other facets of the relationship are thriving and you can communicate about your sexual desires and needs, odds are that it is probably a relationship that is worth staying in, she says.

‘Sexlessness is really only a significant concern if one or both partners are experiencing distress, dissatisfaction, or a sense of disconnection due to the lack of sexual intimacy,’ Chavez says. This distress is most common in relationships where the individuals do not feel safe or able to communicate their sexual needs, she says. But it’s a huge problem because it often results in feelings of loneliness, inadequacy, and guilt—all of which can have serious side effects on mental well-being.

When considering whether or not to stay in your relationship, Chavez says it’s important to consider:

  • How important physical touch is to you
  • Where intimacy exists in your relationship outside of sex, if anywhere
  • Your current relationship structure and relationship orientation
  • Where you and your partner(s) lie on the asexuality spectrum
  • Whether you and your partner have the ability to communicate
  • Whether or not you have the ability to talk about sex, specifically

What should I do if I’m unhappy in a sexless relationship?

1. First, think about how important sex is to you.

Of course, the suggestions below will give you tips around conversing with your partner(s). But before you do that, take some time to get really honest with yourself about how important sex is to you.

Some questions to ask yourself:

  • In my dream world, how often would I be able to have sex?
  • Why do I like having sex with my partner? What does it bring me (or us), exactly?
  • What role can masturbation play in helping me meet my sexual wants?
  • What types of touch and intimacy with others are currently allowed within the current structure of my relationship?
  • Is there a relationship structure change that can be made that will support my happiness?
  • What degree of compromise am I willing to make, as far as my sexual desires are concerned?

Whether you journal your answers in a Moleskine, jot them down in your Notes app, or chew them through with a therapist or friend, Wright urges you to do your best not to judge yourself for the answers that come to mind. We are taught that there is a very narrow range of what desires and frequency of sex are permissible, she says. As such, the many people who fall outside of that range (and desire more or less sex) will have to fight the internalised belief that their desires are capital-w Wrong.

If you notice feelings of shame, humiliation, or discomfort as you chew through these questions, Wright suggests working through these emotions with a sex-positive mental health professional. ‘They’ll be able to remind you that your wants and desires are normal.’

2. Talk to your partner.

Given that there’s really no way to know whether or not you and your partner are on the same page about sexual frequency unless you talk about it, communication is key, says Pataky.

‘When discussing the frequency of sex with your partner, it’s essential to approach the conversation with openness and empathy,’ she says. ‘Begin by creating a safe, non-judgmental space where both partners feel comfortable expressing their feelings and desires.’ It’s also best to use ‘I’ statements to express your feelings and avoid placing blame, she says.

Some examples of what you might say:

  • ‘I read an article about sexual frequency in relationships, and it made me realize that we haven’t talked about our sex life or sexual frequency in a bit. Would you be open to reading the article, and then discussing it with me sometime this week? I think it could be a nice way for us to get on the same page.’
  • ‘When you have the energy, I’d really like to make time to share about our sexual needs, desires, and wants. My perception is that I’m much more interested in physical intimacy these days, and I’d love it if you could share some insights with me about if that’s the case, and why. I want to make sure that we’re both getting our needs met and I’m not dropping the ball on some place I’m overlooking.’
  • ‘I’ve observed that we haven’t been as intimate or sexual in the last few months as we were the first few years of our relationship. I’m feeling a little unsure on how to talk about this because I don’t want anyone to feel pressured, but I do miss being physically close with you. Would you be open to brainstorming ways that we can nurture that piece of our relationship?’

Remember: What you say is important—but what your partner says is, too. ‘It’s crucial to listen actively to your partner’s perspective and acknowledge their feelings as well as share your own,’ says Pataky.

3. Prioritise intimacy.

Sure, a sexless relationship can be healthy! But for most allosexual people, it’s not possible to be in a partnership that isn’t intimate.

‘Intimacy is a culture of closeness and connection between two (or more) people that builds over time,’ says psychologist and sex therapist Megan Fleming, PhD. It’s the thing that enables relationships to feel safe, supportive, sacred, and can set the foundation for sexual closeness, she said.

That’s why Pataky says that couples looking to break their sex drought should start by rebuilding intimacy. ‘This can include spending quality time together, engaging in affectionate touch like massage and cuddling, and strengthening your emotional connection through regular dates and shared activities,’ she says.

4. Consider a different relationship structure.

fully on board with—not something someone submits to due to coercion, fear of being left, or emotional distress, says Chavez.

‘Opening the relationship is never a fix for a relationship problem; it is a lifestyle not a band-aid to other unaddressed issues,’ she adds. Still, it may be a sound work-around for some duos—for instance, pairings between someone who is asexual and allosexual. ‘If you think opening your relationship might be for you, you need to commit to open communication and honesty, and should do your research before jumping in.’

The Ethical Slut by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton, Polysecure by Jessica Fern, and the Multiamory and Remodeled Love podcasts are all great resources to start your learning.

5. Consult a professional.

If your lack of sexual activity is causing distress or if there are underlying issues that you and your love are struggling to resolve on their own, professional help can be invaluable, says Pataky. ‘A couples therapist or a sex therapist can provide a structured environment to explore these issues, improve specific guidance and strategies for addressing sexual concerns and enhancing the sexual aspect of the relationship,’ she says.

A pro will also be able to remind you that there is no universal ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ amount of sex to have, she says. What’s key is that individuals in the relationships are content, communicating, and consenting to whatever sex-filled, sexless, or sex-occasional dynamic that’s at play.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Can psychedelics improve sexual functioning and satisfaction?

By Dr. Chinta Sidharthan

In a recent study published in the journal Scientific Reports, researchers explored the influence of psychedelics on sexual functioning using a large, naturalistic study and a controlled clinical trial that compared the impacts of psilocybin and selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI) on various facets of sexual functioning in patients with major depressive disorders.

Background

Research on psychedelic substances has followed a relatively unsteady trajectory, with various clinical studies through the 1950s and up to the 1970s examining the use of lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD) for treating alcohol dependence and mood disorders.

Psychedelics also played a major role in the social movements of the 1960s, such as the anti-war protests and hippy culture. The 1971 Act on Controlled Substances passed by the United Nations, however, brought most of the scientific research on psychedelics to a halt.

Recent studies indicate a revival of research interest in the use of psychedelics as therapeutic avenues for mental health disorders. Studies have examined the effectiveness of psilocybin therapy in alleviating symptoms of depression and anxiety.

Psilocybin also showed comparable efficacy to the SSRI escitalopram in lowering symptoms of depression, with significantly better performance in secondary outcomes such as anhedonia, general functioning, and well-being.

Given that sexual dysfunction is a common symptom in patients with major depressive disorder, and it is also the side effect of most SSRIs, it is essential to explore the impact of psychedelics on sexual function.

About the study

In the present study, the researchers examined the use of psychedelics in naturalistic settings and ceremonies to understand its effect on various aspects of sexual functioning.

The association was further investigated in a six-week-long clinical trial comparing psilocybin with escitalopram. Sexual functioning was explored along the domains of sexual satisfaction, pleasure, arousal, body image, importance of sex, and sexual desires.

The researchers also aimed to understand whether psychedelics influenced sexual openness and desires for sexual exploration using a set of self-constructed questions. Additionally, the study evaluated the differences in this association among male and female patients.

Although not a core symptom, sexual dysfunction is very common in individuals with major depressive disorders, with the most frequently reported symptoms being difficulty getting aroused, lower libido, and a delay in or absence of orgasms in patients of both sexes.

Furthermore, sexual dysfunction is also known to be a common side effect of SSRIs such as fluoxetine, citalopram, and escitalopram.

Impairments in sexual function due to SSRIs are thought to be due to the downstream impact of SSRIs on dopaminergic and serotoninergic. Sexual dysfunction can also significantly lower self-esteem and impact the quality of relationships and life.

Sexual satisfaction has also been linked to lower depression rates among individuals of both sexes.

For the first part of the study, the researchers gathered data from individuals who attended a ceremony that involved the consumption of psychedelics such as magic mushrooms, psilocybin, ayahuasca, LSD, N, N-Dimethyltryptamine, etc.

The second part of the study involved data obtained from a double-blinded, controlled, phase II clinical trial that compared the effectiveness of psilocybin therapy against that of escitalopram therapy against major depressive disorder.

Results

The results from the naturalistic study showed that the use of psychedelics brought about improvements in various domains of sexual satisfaction and functioning, including body image, partner satisfaction, and improvements in communication and pleasure during sex.

The clinical trial included in the study also supported these findings and reported that the post-acute effects of psilocybin therapy with respect to sexual functioning were positive, while those of escitalopram therapy were not.

The findings suggested that while both psilocybin and escitalopram therapy resulted in comparable reductions in the symptoms of depression, escitalopram had a significant negative impact on sexual functioning.

However, the researchers also stated that these results on the negative impact of escitalopram must not be generalized to all SSRIs since various SSRIs have been developed that do not cause sexual dysfunction to the same extent as escitalopram.

The difference in the impacts of escitalopram and psilocybin on sexual functioning could be linked to the different mechanisms by which they alleviate depression.

SSRIs inhibit serotonin re-intake, increasing serotonin concentrations and promoting serotonin activity in the post-synaptic phase.

This impacts the downstream serotoninergic and dopaminergic functioning, subsequently impacting acetylcholine, testosterone, and nitric oxide levels that affect libido.

Conclusions

Overall, the results showed that the use of psilocybin in treating major depressive disorder might have a positive impact on sexual functioning.

While this association needs to be explored further through validated measures, the findings do support the fact that psychedelics not only reduce the symptoms of major depressive disorder but could also be potentially important treatment options for other disorders that have reduced sexual functioning.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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On Sex Ed

— “Our Side” Is Finally Fighting Back

The new group EducateUS is creating a counter-movement to the conservative groups stoking a culture war over sexuality education.

By Joan Walsh

When the nation began to emerge from our collective Covid lockdowns two to three years ago, some public education advocates noticed that parents were developing strange new fears about what was going on in their children’s classrooms.kid Conservative groups like Moms for Liberty, the Family Policy Alliance, and others suddenly began translating the phobias that once powered debates over masking, vaccines and remote learning into curriculum battles, specifically over whether and how to teach sex education in public schools. In the past three years, urban and suburban districts in Connecticut, Massachusetts, New Jersey, Virginia, Maryland, Colorado, and Georgia faced newly contentious school board meetings and suddenly contested school board races over sex ed, especially over the teaching of LGBTQ issues and anything related to “gender identity.” The backlash has been no mere red-state panic: In 2021, Republican Glenn Youngkin won an upset race for Virginia governor at least in part on parents’ fears of what was being taught in sex-ed classes.

Formerly quiet board rooms where new sex-ed curricula used to be calmly vetted blew up into shouting matches; educators accused of promoting “wrong” ideas faced death threats. That year, Education Week reported that at least 30 pieces of legislation around the country “would variously circumscribe LGBTQ representation in the curriculum, the pronouns that students and teachers can use, and put limits on school clubs, among other things.”

When I covered this movement two years ago, many sex-ed advocates I spoke to lamented that there weren’t many—maybe not any—groups solely devoted to supporting sex ed in schools. But over the last few months, a team of organizers led by the group EducateUS: Changing Sex Ed for Good, building on research by Planned Parenthood, Advocates for Youth, and others, has been developing ways of building support for sex ed from the classroom to school board chambers to local libraries to the ballot box. With support from the Harnisch Foundation and the Equality Federation, the group hired Gutsy Media to develop three 30-second digital ads based on messages they honed through testing.

“Sex ed has been a third-tier priority for the left,” says Jaclyn Friedman, founder and executive director of EducateUS. “But we’re finding it can poll better than abortion.” Earlier research by Planned Parenthood found that roughly 96 percent of parents want sex ed taught in high school, and more than 80 want it taught in middle school. EducateUS shared its new data exclusively with The Nation.

In 2022, Moms for Liberty made its first round of political endorsements, winning a healthy number. But its success was short-lived. The group’s candidates won fewer than one-third of school board seats where they had sought Moms for Liberty’s endorsement in 2023. The Brookings Institution observed the largest change in the suburbs, where the win rate dipped from from 54 percent to 34 percent.

EducateUS won three of the five seats where it backed school board candidates last year. But it is not declaring victory yet. “There are still a lot of places where people feel parents alone should be in charge of sex ed,” says Dr. Tarece Johnson-Morgan, a Gwinnett County School Board member in Georgia who has fought these battles on the ground. Last year, in a tough fight, the board adopted a new health curriculum, but opted to leave out its sex-ed components. They’ll revisit that decision this year, she says, and she believes EducateUS’s research and advertising will help her cause.

What EducateUS has tried to do is not merely poll attitudes but to test messaging that can lead to action in support of sexuality education—whether that’s voting for a school board candidate who shares your views, or lobbying an elected body to support your issues, or sharing its persuasive tested messages via social media. Its research began in 2022, and developed into a full-blown set of surveys, message development, and advertising in the second half of 2023. Ultimately, it surveyed 15,170 respondents across four surveys.

This week, the group and its partners are releasing messaging that they say has been shown to spur action, along with three ads that anyone can license, to share via social media, e-mail, or as an education tool to get folks organized. Overall, their research shows that support for sex ed increased between 2022 and 2023, with very little ground game going on.

Dr. Cara Berg Powers was my guide to the fraught politics of sex ed back in 2022. As a prominent supporter of sexuality education in schools, she’d lost a race for a school board seat in Worcester, Massachusetts. And even after her district adopted a progressive sex-ed curriculum in 2021, she had to watch as another school board candidate, Shanel Soucy, used her anti-sex-ed campaign—though ultimately unsuccessful—to organize more than 3,000 local parents to opt out of letting their kids take sex ed. (Parents have almost always been able to opt their kids out of sex ed, in big cities and small.)

Now Powers chairs the board of EducateUS. She feels like our side is catching up. “This issue has been really badly done for a while,” she notes. “Young people and sexuality can make us feel icky. It threatens a lot of us. But I think we see, with EducateUS, people are coming around to believe young people deserve honest sex education.”

Some of their winning messages were surprising to me. When I first wrote about this issue, I thought that pushing the message that sex education helps kids recognize and report child abuse was compelling. But for these survey groups, it was not. “Most people see it as a negative, marginal message that doesn’t affect a lot of people,” Powers notes (though it silently affects more people than any one knows). Soucy, herself a child survivor, told me flat-out two years ago that sex ed wouldn’t help abused kids like her: “No,” she said firmly. “When you’re having sex at 14, or 12, you’re not thinking about any of that. It’s about escaping dysfunction. It’s not a means of pleasure.” EducateUS says the days of pushing a “narrow, stigma- and fear-based message about unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections” are behind us.

The ads that broke through and moved people to action are remarkably joyous, not ominous. One of them was nicknamed “Break the Isolation.” It deals with the incomplete business, even in 2024, of moving teenagers back into school and into their lives, comfortably, post-Covid. Sex ed “has been shown to reduce bullying, and help kids develop healthy relationships,” the ad notes. And yes, there’s a closing nod to sexuality, and it’s sweet. It ends with the tagline: “Sex ed: It’s not what you’ve heard, and just what they need.” This ad moved the most people to action, overall. Ads focused on fighting bullying were especially effective with men and conservatives.

Another ad, “Know Means Know,” spotlights the youth empowerment that sexual knowledge represents. “They trust us, because we trust them,” it begins, as a young man hops out of a parent’s car, excitedly, to begin his school day. This one has an edge: It identifies that there are forces opposed to sex ed. “But some don’t trust them with any of it, and they’re getting bolder every day.” We see images of angry parents carrying signs saying things like “Education not sexualization” and “Too much too soon.” The ad concludes: “The time to fight for sex ed is now—because know means know.”

A third, “Liberation,” is a tribute to Black empowerment. “Black people have been fighting for bodily freedom since we came to this country,” a woman’s voice intones. “The fight for Black liberation continues. A vote for sex ed is a vote for bodily freedom.” Although the ad mainly features Black people, it motivated positive action among all races tested, but was far the most motivating to Black viewers.

“We have to remember people of color are our natural constituency,” Friedman told me. They test most strongly in favor of all of these messages. On average, people of color were found to be 14 percent more likely to take action for public school sex ed over their white counterparts. Compared with the first surveys EducateUS did in 2022, white men are improving and are showing themselves to be receptive. “We didn’t find a ‘gender gap’ on sex ed support this time around,” Friedman says. Some of the messaging tests particularly well with Republicans and even conservatives,” she says. “Don’t write anyone off!”

When they license the EducateUS ads, for free, groups will be able to develop their own closing message. It might be about elections, depending on the organization’s tax status, or it might be around supporting new policy or curriculum.

Jaclyn Friedman is a lifelong anti-sexual-violence advocate whose first book, Yes Means Yes, popularized the idea of affirmative consent. Talking on college campuses, she says, “I kept hearing the same thing from students, which was that they were so incredibly grateful to have this new-to-them information, but wish they had had it six or eight years ago so they wouldn’t have had to go through what they had already been through.” With American sexuality education already watered down and even unavailable to some students, Friedman was appalled watching the backlash that developed as we emerged from the nightmare of Covid. “Eventually, I couldn’t avoid the fact that I was failing these students.” Friedman and partners put together the funding to launch EducateUS, and a counter-movement was born.

Promoting sex education in schools has long been excoriated by conservatises. The John Birch Society railed against in the 1950s, and anti-feminist icon Phyllis Schlafly put it this way in 1981: “The major goal of nearly all sex education curricula being taught in the schools is to teach teenagers (and sometimes children) how to enjoy fornication without having a baby and without feeling guilty.”

There seemed a chance for détente in the 1980s, however, as we learned more about the spread of HIV and AIDS, and the way healthy sex practices, especially the use of condoms, could limit it. Even then, some conservatives opposed it—or insisted that abstinence be the main message. But Ronald Reagan’s surgeon general, C. Everett Koop, came out for teaching about gay and straight sex, and the role of condoms in reducing spread of the disease. “The best protection against infection right now—barring abstinence—is use of a condom,” he wrote in 1984. Still, war broke out between those preaching only abstinence and those who wanted a more comprehensive curriculum. In one film shown in “abstinence only” classrooms, a student is seen asking a teacher, “What if I want to have sex before I get married?” The teacher replies, “Well, I guess you’ll just have to be prepared to die.”

But subsequent research showing the health benefits of a more comprehensive approach, even in terms of mental health, mainly won the day, and comprehensive sex-ed curricula spread in school districts around the country. Until recently. Now, along with book bans and other curriculum restrictions—like Florida’s so-called “Don’t Say Gay” law, restricting what elementary students can learn about gender and sexuality—a new movement to cut back on classroom sex-ed instruction has gained ground. It trades on some deeply pernicious myths and lies, especially about gay teachers using sex ed and other means to “groom” young people “sexually.”

The “groomer” slur particularly rattled a Florida teacher then with 29 years of classroom experience when we spoke two years ago. To those using it, he says,”Do you understand the consequences of that word?” He began to choke up. “I’m a Special Olympics coach. That requires people to have trust in me. I’m a prom sponsor. I chaperone the senior class trip.”

EducateUS hopes to combat fear and bitterness with a compassionate and commonsense advocacy for sex ed that centers students’ needs, especially as we reckon with the way three or more years of school lockdowns took a grave toll on the ability of young people to connect—socially, with their friends, and not just sexually.

At a Zoom meeting April 16 to preview the ads and the new research, more than 70 people showed up, and the mood was excited. Some represented major national advocacy organizations, while others were with smaller, state-level nonprofits; there were folks from organizations that endorse progressive school board candidates, as well as a couple of candidates themselves. The chat function crackled with questions but mainly emojis and other signs of elation. This group knew they were seeing something brand-new in the world of sex ed, and they couldn’t wait to learn how to use it.

Rosalie Wong, a leader of New Jersey’s SWEEP—“Suburban Women Engaged, Empowered, and Pissed!”—says she’d like to use the ads, and EducateUS’s research, to combat the growing threat of book bans at schools and libraries. “I mean, what the heck is going on with all of this?” she asks, rhetorically. Her 1,500 members are ready to fight back.

“This is some of the hardest work I’ve ever done,” Friedman tells me, “but it’s also the most satisfying—when we see school districts that were resisting sex ed start to implement a great curriculum after local organizers called us for backup, when we help powerhouse first-time candidates get elected to their school boards, when we hear from volunteers in red and purple states that our tested messages are helping them communicate more effectively with their local schools, parents, and communities—it’s incredible when you think of what the ripple effects will be.”

What I came away most impressed by was the ads’ decision to spotlight the joy and power of being young, not the angst adults so like to project onto teenagers. They’re not aliens, they’re us. When I told Friedman that was my primary takeaway from the work, she had a one-word answer. “Yes.”

“Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Masturbation and Men—The Double-Edged Sword

By Dr Dick

For some men, this freelance sexual investigation can, and often does, produce some very interesting, unique and even downright strange styles of self-pleasuring, that sadly, often do not lend themselves to partnered sex. But according to Dr. Dick, with proper motivation and some focused redirection, men can learn to climax with a lover as well as on their own.

A Foundation of Masturbation

Those of you who know me know that I am a fierce advocate of masturbation. I contend that self-pleasuring is the foundation of a happy, healthy sex life for both women and men. I’m also a proponent of couples masturbating together. The mutual joys and the important information shared in this way are indispensable.

But masturbation can be a double-edged sword, so to speak. I say this because most of us guys learn to pull our pud early in life—and most of us discover how to do this on our own. This freelance sexual investigation can, and often does, produce some very unique, and even downright strange, styles of self-pleasuring. And there in lies the rub, no pun intended. Some masturbation techniques, pleasurable though they might be, do not lend themselves to partnered sex. And so, over the course of the next several weeks, we’re going to take a, well, hard look at male masturbation—from right to wrong, and everything in between.

Here we have Wayne, a 26-year-old man from Philadelphia:

Hey Dr. Dick,
I have a little issue that has stumped me, my doctor, and numerous urologists. I figure there’s no harm in asking one more person. I have never—not once—been able to come normally. I suppose there is a normal way, considering every other guy I’ve ever met has been able to do it “by hand,” but the only way I’ve ever achieved orgasm is by laying on my stomach, putting pressure with a slightly closed fist on the spot where my dick meets the rest of my body, and sliding back and forth.

Weird aside: This was a way to lift myself up off the floor and “fly” as a young kid. Then one day, I found out that it was pleasurable. I know…weird little kid.

Anyway, fast-forward to my twenties and becoming sexually active, and now I have a concern. I want to be able to come by having intercourse or just jacking off, but I’ve never been able to. I can get very close—never have a problem getting hard—but the deal just doesn’t happen. Any thoughts?

Interesting masturbation technique you got there, my friend. While it’s unique, it is not the most distinctive style I’ve encountered in my career. Someday I oughtta write a book. What’s most amazing to me about what you write here is that this predicament of yours has stumped all the physicians you’ve consulted. I suppose that says volumes about how informed most doctors are about human sexuality.

Simply put, Wayne, over the years you’ve habituated your body to respond pleasurably to a particular stimulus. Ever hear of Pavlov’s dogs? Right! What we have here is precisely the same thing. You apply the stimulus: laying on your stomach, putting pressure with a slightly closed fist on the spot where your dick meets the rest of my body, and sliding back and forth, and your body responds with an orgasm.

Most all of us, both female and male, discover the joy of self-pleasuring accidentally. Your first encounter with masturbation, although you probably didn’t know that’s what it was called, was through your boyhood attempts to fly. And fly you did! As you suggest, most other people discover self-pleasuring in a more conventional way, through touch. Thus the more “normal” (and I use that word in quotes) means of getting one’s self off is manually.

Your unique style of self-pleasuring is completely benign, but it doesn’t really lend itself to partnered sex, as you say. I mean, how awkward would fucking be if you had to get off your partner and on to the floor to come? The same is true for the men out there that jerk off with a very fast motion or a heavy death grip on their dick. They will, no doubt, find it difficult to climax during partnered sex.

So is there a solution? Sure there is. And it’s not a particularly difficult nut to crack…so to speak.

Let me tell you about a former client of mine. He was about your age when we met several years ago. He presented a similar concern to yours. He learned to masturbate in the same position as you, lying on your stomach, but he got off by humping a pillow. Try as he might, he never was able to get off any other way. It was driving him crazy. He couldn’t date anyone, because he was too embarrassed about the whole pillow thing.

Over the next four or five weeks, I helped my client learn a new way of self-pleasuring that would lend itself to happy partnered sex. The object was to rid himself of the need for the pillow altogether, and we did this is incremental steps. Luckily, my client was a horny little bugger. He masturbated at least twice a day—sometimes even more frequently. I decided to use his natural horniness as part of the intervention.

My client had to promise me that he wouldn’t masturbate in his traditional way for an entire week—absolutely no pillow sex! If he failed to keep his promise, he would have to start all over from day one. At first he couldn’t see the purpose of this moratorium, but I insisted. By the time I saw him next, the poor boy had blue balls for days. So he was primed and ready to go. His next exercise was to change position for his first masturbation after the weeklong moratorium. He could masturbate with his pillow, but he had to lie on his back. He was not permitted to roll over on to his stomach. This wasn’t immediately successful, but his pent-up sexual energy finally carried the day and he got off in the first new position—on his back—since he learned to masturbate.

The following week, I gave him a new exercise: While on his back, he could use the pillow to rub himself, but only to the point where he was about to come. At that point, he was to put the pillow aside and finish himself off with his hand. This was only slightly more difficult than the previous exercise, and within two attempts, he finally got himself off with his hand for the first time in his life. The rest of his therapeutic intervention was simply following this behavior modification course of action till he didn’t need the pillow at all.

I assume you see where I’m going with this, right? You could do this same sort of intervention on your own to learn a new and more traditional way of masturbating, but you’d probably have more success working with a qualified sex therapist. Why not look for one near you by visiting the American College of Sexologists online?

The firm desire to change a behavior or habit is the most important aspect of the process of change. Second is denying yourself the convenient and habitual stimulus—in your case, your flying masturbation style—will drive you to find a replacement means of getting off—a more traditional, manual style. Weaning yourself off one style of masturbation incrementally ’til you are successful in replacing that style with another is the most efficient means of behavior change. I encourage you to give it a try.

Good luck!

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Your Complete and Queer Guide to Outercourse

— From heavy petting to mutual masturbation to oral sex, outercourse opens up infinite avenues for pleasure.

 

Gay couple cuddling in bed

By Sara Youngblood Gregory

Between the sorry state of sex education in the United States and a comparative lack of widely accessible LGBTQ+ sexual health resources, it takes a while for most queer and trans folks to learn — and name — the type of sex they want to have. This can be especially true for those who prefer non-normative types of sex or simply feel a bit boxed in by depictions of queer sexuality in the media or online. Often overlooked in popular representation of queer sex, outercourse, in particular, is a great way for folks across the gender, sexuality, and ability spectrum to explore pleasure.

As a catch-all term, “outercourse” describes the many sex acts and erotic activities that lie outside of internal (often called penetrative) sex. There are so many reasons queer and trans folks are drawn to outercourse, according to sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, sexpert for sexual wellness brand Lovers. For many people, outercourse may feel more affirming and pleasurable “particularly if you are undergoing bottom surgery recovery or getting used to your new growth because of HRT,” says Stewart.

Outercourse is often confused with foreplay — and for some people it is — but it can also be its own thing. Whereas foreplay is more like an appetizer, outercourse is about the holistic experience of sex, more of a potluck of pleasure than any single entrée.

Below, queer sex educators share everything you need to know about outercourse including what it is, how to have it, and why you might love it.

What is outercourse?

Outercourse describes sexual or erotic activity that does not involve internal vaginal and/or anal sex, or in other words non-penetrative sex. Often, outercourse is used as an umbrella term for external-only sex or hookups, but it encompasses a variety of sexual or erotic acts like mutual masturbation, oral sex, or grinding. But more on that later!

“Some people may view outercourse as foreplay and others may view outercourse as the main course,” says Lena Peak, a queer sexuality educator and founder of Eros Insights. “There’s no definitive answer here, you and your partner(s) get to define these terms for yourselves, or even reject them altogether!”

“One of the main reasons people might enjoy, prefer, or prioritize outercourse in their sex lives is because it de-centers penetration as the pinnacle of sex,” adds Peak. Traditional heteronormative sex — or intercourse if we want to get specific — is often defined by the presence of cis men and centers their pleasure. Outercourse, on the other hand, upends this narrow, more hegemonic understanding of sex and what “counts.” It allows people of all genders and bodies to imagine, speak back, and co-create the kind of connection they crave — regardless of the specific sex acts involved.

As a result, outercourse is a mainstay for many queer and trans people, particularly for those who may experience gender dysphoria, have a history of trauma, certain medical conditions, or disabilities, in addition to folks who simply prefer this type of pleasure.

Is it the same as abstinence?

No, outercourse isn’t the same thing as abstinence, but there is some nuance here.

Generally speaking, abstinence is the decision to refrain from sex or sexual activity, particularly P-in-V sex. Some people choose abstinence for moral, cultural, or religious reasons, while others opt to take a purposeful break for personal or medical reasons. Abstinence is also used for pregnancy and STI prevention.

But what exactly qualifies as sexual activity, or being abstinent more generally, depends on the person. For some, anything “beyond” kissing is off the table, while others consider everything except internal sex to be chaste. With such varied definitions, it’s possible that one person’s sex is another person’s abstinence. So while there can be overlap between the physical acts of outercourse and some types of abstinence, the main difference is intention.

Whereas abstinence is about limiting or distancing oneself from sex or gratification, Stewart says outercourse is inherently about receiving and giving pleasure. Make sure to have a conversation with any potential partner about how you define sex, outercourse, and abstinence.

How do I have outercourse?

The good news is there’s absolutely no “wrong” way to have outercourse. The only limit is your imagination.

To get you started, there are the usual suspects: heavy petting (or touching someone, often their genitals, indirectly through their clothing), oral sex, mutual masturbation, and hand jobs. Fingering may also come into play here, which means using your fingers and hands to arouse yourself or your partner. Typically, fingering refers to touching a vulva, clitoris, or anus. Though fingering often includes internal vaginal or anal touch, it doesn’t have to. Grab some lube and use your fingers to touch your partner’s vulva with long, gentle movements to “warm up,” before playing with their clit. Unless your partner is into it, you should avoid sharp, prodding motions. Instead use the pads of your fingers and focus on stroking motions.

You might also opt for grinding, which is sometimes referred to as “dry humping” or “tribbing.” Usually, this involves rubbing your genitals against someone’s body (like when straddling someone’s waist or thigh, for example.) The infamous act of scissoring is in this general family of touch as well, though it involves direct genital contact.

There are also sex acts that don’t focus on genitals, instead opting for a more integrated or erotic approach, like sensual massage or deep kissing. Some kink activities like impact play, bondage, or sensory play also fall under this category. If you’re not sure where to start, Peak recommends setting time aside to explore pleasure mapping, which involves using different types of external touch and sensations on different parts of the body. This can help you not only identify how you like to be touched, but also discover and potentially “map” new erogenous zones on your body.

Though these are all great jumping-off points, it’s important not to get too bogged down with what is or isn’t considered outercourse. Just focus on what turns you on. “Rather than narrow your scope to certain specific behaviors, try making a list of all of the areas on the outside of your body that you enjoy stimulating or that you’re curious about stimulating,” sex educator Cassandra Corrado tells Them. “How do you like for them to be touched? What types of touch do you want to try? What about your partner, how do they like to be touched, and where? Create your menu from there.”

As with any type of sexual or erotic contact, you should always discuss boundaries, consent, and safe sex practices. Remember, if the outercourse activities you’re engaging with involve genital touching or any contact with sexual fluids, you can still spread STIs.

Why is outercourse important for queer folks?

Though anyone can enjoy outercourse, it can be especially powerful for queer and trans people. First and foremost, the term is a way to name the type of sex that feels best to you and start a conversation about what feels right (and hot) for you and your partner(s).

Those on the ace spectrum, for example, may find satisfaction and belonging in certain kinds of erotic touch, like kissing or impact play. Meanwhile, a stone butch or top may opt for non-genital focused touch, like massage, or indirect stimulation via grinding.

Second, outercourse can be a framework to help you take a big step back, think about what you’ve been consciously and unconsciously taught about sex, what’s “normal,” and create your own road map for meaningful shared pleasure.

“By prioritizing, or at least normalizing, outercourse, it makes space for us to reconfigure the sexual scripts that many of us are handed early on. It allows us to prioritize experiences that bring us pleasure and fulfillment, rather than following the sexual behavior escalator to its ‘final destination,’” says Corrado. “And it allows us to take a much wider approach to our sexual decision-making, encouraging us to think about our and our partners’ bodies, boundaries, desires, and pleasures in a more expansive way than society may have initially taught us.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to use lube during both partnered and solo play for next-level (!) sex

— Let’s get wet ‘n wild.

By and

When you’re moving from foreplay to the penetration portion of sex, a little bit of friction is a welcome addition. But too much of it can easily turn ‘ooh’ into ‘ouch,’ leaving that area dry and irritated, to say the least. That’s where lube comes in clutch. However, no one ~really~ teaches you how to use it, and it’s not always a topic covered in sex ed. So, you might be missing out on some of the added perks it can offer your sex life.

ICYDK, lube, or lubricant, is any kind of gel used for sexual activity, says Rachel Needle, PsyD, a certified sex therapist and intimacy expert in Florida. ‘It can help essentially reduce friction,’ she says, which means it can decrease pain and discomfort with vaginal dryness, help condoms stay on, and straight-up make sex feel better.

Sounds pretty great, right? More amazing news: There’s really no wrong way to use lube. ‘Like all things sexual, use lube in whatever way feels good for you,’ says Jess O’Reilly, PhD, a Toronto-based sexologist and host of the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast. If you focus on your own pleasure, using it can become second nature, she says.

Ready to get lubed up? Ahead, check out your guide to all things lube, including all the types and how to apply it, according to experts.

Which type of lube should I buy?

Not all lubes are created equal, and the right one for you depends a lot on your personal preferences and needs. ‘There are many types of lube and often, the use can help determine which ones are best for that person,’ says Jessica Shepherd, MD, founder of Sanctum Med + Wellness.

One thing to note: Certain kinds of lubricants can have harmful effects on vaginal and sperm health if you’re using it in the vaginal canal due to the pH levels interacting, Shepherd says. Because the vaginal canal has a pH range of 3.8 to 4.5, you’ll want to use a lubricant with a pH of seven or below—otherwise, the vaginal pH will become imbalanced, increasing the risk of infections, discomfort, and transmission of STIs, she adds. (Some lubes include the pH on their packaging, but otherwise, you can search for lubes online that actively promote their pH.)

Here’s a breakdown of your options:

Water-based Lube

The first, most prominent ingredient in these lubes is going to be water (go figure).
Pros:

  • For one thing, ‘they are less sticky,’ says Dr. Shepherd.
  • Plus, in general, water-based lubes are pretty versatile—they can be used with silicone toys and latex condoms.

Cons:

  • They don’t stay on your skin as long as other types like silicone or oil-based lubes, she adds. So, you may need to reapply if you’re gearing up for a marathon in bed.

Oil-based Lube

Oil-based lubes are known for their staying power, but come with a couple of cons as well.>
Pro:

  • They last a long time, so they’re great to use for lengthier sexy time seshes.

Cons:

  • The oil may leave a coating on the rectum or vagina that can increase the risk of urinary or vaginal infections, Dr. Shepherd says. (Not everyone has this issue, though.)
  • They should never be used with latex condoms or latex products. ‘That will disintegrate the latex,’ Dr. Shepherd says.

Silicone-based Lube

Silicone-based lubes last longer than other lubes, but you have to be *very* careful about how you use them.

Pro:

  • They stay on for a long time.

Cons:

  • They can be harder to wash off than other types of lube, Dr. Shepherd says.
  • They’re not compatible with silicone sex toys, as it can break down the material, Dr. Shepherd explains.

Natural Lube

‘Natural lubes usually consist of ingredients that can range from homemade to store-bought and have the lowest amounts of ingredients,’ Dr. Shepherd says.
Pro:

  • Natural lubes don’t contain chemicals, additives, or synthetic ingredients that can be irritants, particularly to people with sensitive skin.

Con:

  • The term ‘natural’ isn’t regulated—you don’t need any type of certification to call a lube that—so it can be a bit misleading sometimes. So, if you’re looking for a store-bought ‘natural’ lube (rather than something like coconut oil), look for the words ‘organic’ and ‘natural’ on the label because ‘that means 90 percent of the ingredients are from the Earth,’ Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, a professor of relational and sexual communication at California State University, Fullerton, told WH.
  • They’re not great to use with condoms, just because some ingredients might break down the material, Suwinyattichaiporn previously told WH.

How to apply lube

There are tons of different ways to use lube, through manual sex, oral sex, and masturbation, for instance. Just squeeze a few drops of lube into your hand and try spreading it on the vagina, penis, or anus, and then add more if you need it, Needle says. A few tips to get you started:

  • Experiment with the amount of lube you need. ‘Some people think the more lube, the better, but really that’s not the case,’ Needle says. So, play around with the lube bottle, seeing how much comes out, and err on the conservative side at first—you can always add more later. The amount you need will depend on the kind of lube you’re using—for instance, water-based lubes don’t last as long, so you might apply more of that than you would if you were using an oil-based lube.
  • Apply it on the right areas. Depending on what you’re about to do, you’ll want to make sure the affected areas are all lubed up, Needle says. So, if you’re having penetrative vaginal intercourse, put some in the vagina (internally) and/or on the penis. As long as the lube has a pH of seven or below, it should be safe to use in the vaginal canal, Shepherd adds.
  • Communication is always key. Hopefully, you communicate about sex with your partner(s) before you engage in sexual activity, but either way, make sure all parties are comfortable with using lube, Needle says. Then, when you’re in the moment, communicate about how much to apply, and if you need more once you’re engaging in an act.

Manual sex (fingering, hand jobs, etc.)

Use it for an epic hand job. ‘Lube is everything when it comes to hand jobs,’ O’Reilly says. Try smearing a few drops on your hands or putting some on your partner’s penis before you dive in. ‘Anything you can do with your mouth, you can do with your hands as long as you use lube—and your hands are more flexible and dexterous,’ O’Reilly says. She recommends interlacing your lubed-up fingers and going for it.

Or, take fingering your partner up a notch. Try this pro tip from O’Reilly: Lube up your fingers, and cross them, like you’re making an ‘I swear’ motion. Then, slide them into your partner’s vagina, while gently rotating them. You can use your thumb to work your partner’s clitoris while you’re at it.

Oral sex

Apply lube to level up a blow job. It’s highly unlikely your partner has ever experienced this sexy hack before. Use your tongue to cover your lower teeth and wrap your top lip around your upper teeth. ‘Add lube to your upper lip as you clamp them between your teeth,’ O’Reilly says.

Additionally, gently massaging your partner’s balls (if they have them) during a blow job can help max out the experience. O’Reilly’s advice: Add a few drops of lube to your hands and then play with their balls or perineum while you give your partner a blow job.

While flavoured lubes are essentially designed to be used during oral sex, not all expets advise using them. ‘The vulvar and vaginal tissue is the most sensitive tissue in the body, and easily can be irritated,’ Mary Jane Minkin, MD, an OB-GYN with the Yale School of Medicine, told WH. That’s why she generally recommends avoiding products with perfumes and dyes for that area.

Penetrative sex

Of course lube can be used during penetrative vaginal or anal intercourse. ‘Use lube for more pleasure and less friction,’ O’Reilly says. She suggests applying lube right to your vulva using your fingers, or, if you want to get the party started right away, having your partner apply it by using their lips.

But lube can also help make backdoor penetration more comfortable, O’Reilly says. In fact, since you don’t have natural lubrication there, it’s kind of essential. She recommends using silicone lube for anal activities, unless you’re using silicone toys, strap-ons, or anal beads. It can also be an added bonus to keep things lubricated when you’re rimming your partner.

You can even drip a little inside a condom. A big complaint with condoms is that they can take some of the pleasurable feeling out of sex, but O’Reilly says that adding a little lube inside can do the opposite. ‘A drop or two of lube in the tip of the condom can heighten sensation,’ she says.

Masturbation

O’Reilly recommends using lube to try out different sensations for what she calls ‘mindful’ masturbation. ‘Slow down, release your grip, and breathe deeply as you focus on the sensations in your body as opposed to focusing on getting to orgasm,’ she says. (Sounds like a plan!)

Extracurricular activities

There’s plenty you can do here when it comes to sex toys. ‘You can roll a lubed-up bullet vibrator over your skin or across the vulva,’ O’Reilly says. Another trick: Sweep a vibe (with lube) over the perineum during oral or penetrative sex on your partner.

O’Reilly also recommends taking a flat-tip vibe, covering it in lube, and gently tracing it around your partner’s balls. You can even breathe warm air gently over the wet path you’ve created.

Or, try lube in the shower. Adding a few drops of lube to the base of your vagina or your toys before hitting the shower, O’Reilly recommends. Why? Water is notorious for washing away your own natural juices, and that can lead to some not-so-comfortable friction.

Lastly, you can dole out a sensual massage. While you can do it on your partner’s back, O’Reilly says a thigh massage is really the way to ramp things up during foreplay. ‘Use lube to trace figure eights over their thighs,’ she says. ‘Or use it to massage their inner legs before going down on them.’

Lube ingredients to avoid

The vaginal area is super sensitive to anything you put down there. ‘Be careful with anything that you’re putting in the vagina—it can really mess up the pH,’ says Needle. ‘It can cause yeast and lead to infections.’

So, a friendly reminder that just because an ingredient is included in a lube doesn’t mean it’s safe to be used down there. Here are a few ingredients to avoid when you’re shopping for lube:

  • Glycerin: A sugar alcohol, this component has been linked to yeast infections, Needle says. You always want to avoid putting sugars into the vagina because it can mess up the pH, she adds.
  • Parabens: These are additives that have been linked to cancer, Needle says. A 2022 study specifically connects parabens to breast cancer.
  • Propylene Glycol: This ingredient has been known to disrupt the vaginal barrier, which is associated with a risk of bacterial vaginosis, according to 2018 research.
  • Chlorhexidine Gluconate: It can change the bacteria in your vagina and throw off its balance, which can be irritating and lead to infections, Needle says.
  • Nonoxynol-9: It’s an ingredient with spermicidal properties that can kill both good and bad bacteria in your vagina and cause irritation and inflammation, Needle says.

Can I use coconut oil as a lube for sex?

Yup. Coconut oil is commonly used as a natural lube, and it’s totally safe, says Needle, because these types of lubes don’t have chemicals or extra ingredients in them that may not be safe for your downstairs area. ‘If you have sensitive skin or any kind of skin condition, which are more common these days, they can be more comfortable’ to use, she explains.

Can I use baby oil as a lube for sex?

Nah, Needle doesn’t recommend it. While baby oil can be moisturising for your vagina, it’s not meant to be a lube, as it can cause irritation and be hard to get off of your skin and bed sheets once you’re done.

All in all, lube is a fabulous addition to any sexual play. Just find one with safe ingredients, apply a bit at a time, lather up, and most importantly, enjoy!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Be Submissive

— The AskMen Guide for How to Be Submissive in Bed

By Eve Parsons

When you hear the word “submissive,” what do you think of?

Many people think sexual submissiveness is all about allowing yourself to be (consensually) “punished” or otherwise denigrated, but the reality is much more complicated.

And thanks to either sensationalist or outright false portrayals by movies and pop culture, myths and misinformation continue to abound when it comes to this unique area of sexuality.

In this piece, we spoke to several leading sexperts in the world of BDSM and beyond who know what it means to navigate submissive play time in a healthy, safe way.

So if you’re curious about exploring your submissive side, or wondering what that might look like, read on.

What Is Sexual Submission?

“Sexual submission is a form of power exchange and a way to experience a consensual negotiation of surrendering power or decision-making to another person,” says Mark Cunningham, a licensed marriage and family therapist, AASECT-certified sex therapist, psychedelic therapist and owner of Adaptive Therapy.

Ideally, says Cunningham, these actions are things that are discussed and mutually agreed upon prior to the experience.

“These negotiations define how one person may demand or take action toward another person,” he says.

If that sounds a little vague, it’s in part because submission is a broad concept. BDSM play is not a “one size fits all” or uniform area of sexual expression in the least.

“There is almost no ‘always’ when it comes to BDSM play,” says BDSM educator and author Jay Wiseman.

Being a submissive can thus vary widely depending on what you and your partner agree to.

“Sexual submission can involve the use of props, toys, ropes, nipple clamps, cages, and so much more,” says Cunningham. “Or it can purely be a psychological or behavioral relationship that does not involve any use of items.”

In other words, how you play is all down to you and your partner (or partners).

It’s also important to remember that “submission and kink are not always related to one another,” clarifies Leighanna Nordstrom MA, MFT-C of Break the Mold Therapy. “Kink is about non-normative sexual expression (i.e., trying all the things you didn’t learn about in traditional sex ed); submission is about power and control (i.e., allowing someone to determine how you feel and behave during certain scenarios).”

Meaning, you can be in an otherwise “vanilla” relationship, but still have a little power exchange dynamic in a sexual relationship, or you can use submission as a vehicle to explore various kinks, such as those that often fall under the umbrella of humiliation play.

Being a Sub Isn’t Set in Stone

It can be useful to see “submissive” and “dominant” power dynamics as appetites, instead of hardened identities. (And being a submissive also does not necessarily make one a “bottom” automatically either, contrary to many people’s assumptions — it’s definitely possible to bottom while domming, and vice versa.)

In a tutorial video, the world-renowned sexologist, educator and author Midori discusses the differences between topping and bottoming, and how these terms can work in the context of BDSM power exchange — but can also apply even if you’re more on the vanilla side, too.

“Top is usually the person doing an action — being in charge, doing the tying, doing the spanking, or being physically on top, or going ‘into’ the other person’s body with a finger, tongue, dildo or penis. Top may or may not include being dominant or sadistic,” Midori explains.

“Bottom is the person who is receiving the actions: being spanked, poked, nipple-clamped, penetrated, or following the orders. Bottoming may or may not involve being submissive [all the time] either,” she adds.

Therefore, this is why, as Midori suggests, it always a good idea to ask a current or potential new partner what exactly they mean when they say: “I’m a submissive” or “I’m a bottom” — and really listen to their explanation, because all too often people make the mistake of assuming that expressing sexuality is a uniform experience or undertaking when this is not the case.

Additionally, Midori cautions against assuming that our sexual appetites for how we want to experience sexuality are set in stone: “Sometimes we get really stuck in the idea that ‘I am a top’ or ‘I am a bottom’ [but] don’t narrow yourself, paint yourself into a corner being attached to an identity; these are ‘appetites,’ not identities,” she explains.

As such, it is totally normal for your appetites to change or evolve over time — it’s merely human nature.

As Nordstrom says, “If you’re reading this, you may be developing a new appetite for submission in sex. This could be because your appetite for dominance has been more than sated, or because you have become curious what other possibilities sex could hold if you were to experiment.”

Exploring Sexual Submissiveness & Masculinity

If you’re curious about sexual submission but worried that your sexual partner(s) might see you as less manly if you’re not fulfilling the dominant archetype, that’s understandable. It’s normal to experience anxiety when we crave the acceptance of a partner and are not sure how they will react.

However, if you “zoom out” and look at the bigger picture, you can see where this anxiety is ultimately born from outdated social stigmas and sexist stereotypes of manhood and gender roles.

As Cunningham suggests, ask yourself a question: “First, whose values/definition of masculinity are you using to define your masculinity, and do you agree with that or is this something you have simply adopted without much reflection?”

Cunningham also notes that “many top leaders in positions of power like CEOs, or high-ranking military members for example, are drawn to submissive play because of the freedom, excitement, and healing that they can experience in moving outside of their ‘normal’ mode of operation as a leader or position of power.”

“Sex is a powerful way for us humans to cope and express parts of ourselves that we may struggle to access in our day-to-day lives,” he adds.

In other words, you could be the most powerful man in the world, with days filled with success and conquering, but at night you might find yourself wanting the release of surrendering to a partner who’ll be in control.

Kink and power exchange can be a great, temporary escape from reality and the baggage that comes with the performative roles we all play in mundane society.

In short, you are not “lessened” in the least by wanting to explore submission; being brave enough to admit your true desires and allowing yourself that opportunity means you can be enhanced by a new depth of connection and variety in your sex life.

How to Talk to a Partner About Your Submissive Desires

Ok, I want to explore: What are some ideas for communicating with my partner about my submissive desires and fantasies?

Assuming your breakfast conversation does not get particularly kinky, you might be in need of an “icebreaker” or two. Not to worry! There’s no need to make this terribly complicated or convoluted…

“Having a ‘catalyst event’ for bringing up the conversation can be an easy “in,” says Nordstrom. “You might say, ‘Hey, I was reading this magazine, and it made a suggestion about having positive, playful conversations about sex with your partner. I’d love to try it! Would you?’”

Or, Nordstrom adds, “Instead of springing your newfound submissive appetite onto your partner, consider trying to have a positive conversation about your whole sex life, and work the submissive appetite into the conversation.”

In other words, “zoom out” and share with your partner what you already really enjoy about being with them–and then ask them what they’re enjoying — and would like to try. This way, you both have the opportunity to be and feel heard.

As another “in,” Wiseman also suggests commenting on a book, movie, TV show or other piece of pop culture that depicts a D/s dynamic.

And notwithstanding submissive desires, having an understanding of your partner’s fantasy life can help you to better understand where they are coming from and what might excite them.

Nevertheless, it’s always good to remember that it totally is normal for someone to have sexual fantasies that they do not necessarily want to act out in real life—so never, ever take for granted the need to establish clear consent.

Now, if you and your partner already enjoy open communication about your sex life (yay!), then by all means go ahead with a straightforward Q&A session.

Midori suggests you ask your partner how they would like to feel in a dominant role.

“This isn’t about what toys to use or what you end up doing,” she explains. “This is about the core of [their] pleasure, leading to your hot submission. [Do they] want to feel adored, cruel, gentle, imperious, fickle, selfish, nurturing, powerful, or….? Then ask yourself how you want to feel: surrendered, willful, obedience, devotional, small, strong, enduing, obliterated, vulnerable, or…? And [then] find an overlap of emotional journey in your scene.”

Additionally, give yourself and your partner some grace, especially if you are navigating uncharted waters together.

“It is very common to have fear, uncertainty, confusion and many other challenging feelings in addition to excitement and curiosity when considering submissive exploration,” says Cunningham. “Do your best to name and even journal about your feelings and thoughts and to share these with your play partner so you can feel a greater sense of connection, understanding and ultimately intimacy.”

But remember: this erotic play time should also be a source of unabashed joy and delight; being open to the experience fuels the enthusiasm, Nordstrom says.

“When it comes to trying out any new sexual behavior, I have to remind my clients that sex is play!” she explains. “This means that it may be cumbersome, awkward, messy, confusing, or funny. But it shouldn’t be a job with an expected outcome. Going into new sexual scenarios in a curious mindset opens doors for anything to happen, instead of just focusing on one specific outcome.”

Best Practices for Exploring BDSM Submissiveness

According to Wiseman, good ‘best practices’ include getting adequate education and talking ahead of time about what will occur. In other words, sexual submission is not something you ever do (or expect your partner to do) ‘spontaneously,’ and certainly never under duress.

As with many other pursuits, when you are new to BDSM, it’s best to start slowly, as Nordstrom suggests: “My recommendation when partners are playing around with power dynamics is to always start slow, evaluate how different sexual acts are working, adapt behaviors as needed, and then go deeper into the dom/sub roles.”

“I cannot stress the importance of consent enough,” Nordstrom adds. “Creativity can take over when partners engage in BDSM. That said, it’s still VERY important to check in each time a new idea gets added to the sexual scenario. With consent comes trust (i.e., I believe you will ask me before you do something new to my body AND I believe you will tell me if I’ve done something that went too far).”

Nordstrom continues: “Safe words or actions are vital to any kink/BDSM scenario. Simple, easy to say words are best for safe words. “No” is not a good safe word, because, depending on the intensity of the scene, you may be begging your partner to stop when what you really want is for them to keep going.”

And this is where sexual submission can baffle outsiders.

“The funny thing is that in a power exchange relationship, the person who is in the submissive role is actually in a greater degree of control, because of their prior defining of their soft/hard boundaries and in their ability to create the play scene and rules with the dominant or master partner(s),” Cunningham explains.

As such, it is important to understand that the best BDSM scenes involve mutual collaboration between the submissive and the dominant well ahead of play time. If the power exchange feels one-sided or reluctant, then it’s really not a true exchange and the excitement is lost.

“Kink desires are much like appetites,” Midori says. “Creating a scene with your partner is like planning, cooking, and sharing that meal together. Even when you are surrendering in the scene, the creation is collaborative. Both of you have to like the ingredients and the whole meal for it to be fantastic.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Dangers of Recreational Viagra

— The risks of taking Viagra without erectile dysfunction range from mild side effects to dangerous drug interactions

By Raevti Bole, MD

Advertisements for erectile dysfunction (ED) medication are everywhere. Viagra® and Cialis® are enormously popular. And as the ads suggest, they’re highly effective at improving sexual performance in people with ED.< But the use of these medications is also booming in people who don’t have sexual problems. But know this: This “recreational” use of Viagra can be risky.

Why do people without ED take Viagra?

To understand why people experiment with Viagra and Cialis recreationally, it’s helpful to understand how these drugs work.

Viagra and Cialis belong to a category of drugs called phosphodiesterase type 5 (PDE5) inhibitors. These medications open blood vessels and can be used to treat pulmonary hypertension and urinary problems.

But most famously, medications like Viagra and Cialis are used to address erectile dysfunction. The reason? Increased blood flow from PDE5 inhibitors results in firmer, longer-lasting erections.

Now, it’s important to note that erection firmness can be subjective. Most people will notice temporary differences in the quality of their erection depending on stress, energy levels, time of day, alcohol consumption and many other factors.

But if someone can reliably get and keep an erection that’s rigid enough for penetrative intercourse, they probably don’t have ED or a real need to pop a Viagra or Cialis, explains Dr. Bole.

That said, people without ED have recreationally used Viagra or Cialis to increase blood flow to their penis because they want to:

  • Counteract the effects of alcohol or other drugs on their sexual performance.
  • Improve the chances of an erection lasting long enough for sex multiple times.
  • Increase their confidence by reducing anxiety about performance or premature ejaculation.

Does Viagra improve athletic performance?

People also use Viagra and Cialis recreationally to improve their exercise performance. But does it really work? To keep the answer simple: No.

“PDE5 medications can increase oxygen levels and heart function in people who have cardiac risk factors or cardiac disease,” says Dr. Bole. “For people who are healthy, there’s no good evidence that the medications significantly improve athletic abilities in a standard, sea-level environment.”

Why mention the altitude? Well, there’s some evidence that Viagra may make a difference for those doing activities in thin air at higher altitudes.

Researchers found that cyclists taking sildenafil, the medicine marketed as Viagra, improved cardiac output and exercise performance at higher altitudes. Another study focused on Mount Everest trekkers showed that sildenafil increased exercise capacity at high altitudes.

As noted, though, any benefits experienced closer to the clouds do not transfer to lower altitudes where most of us spend our time.

Five risks of recreational Viagra use

The potential consequences of taking Viagra and Cialis recreationally depend on medical, psychological and social factors. The risks range from mild to serious and include:

1. Dangerous interactions with other drugs

PDE5 inhibitors lower blood pressure. Mixing them with other drugs that also lower blood pressure can be potentially life-threatening, says Dr. Bole.

Be sure to review with your healthcare provider all supplements and medications you’re taking to check for potential interactions. Here are some examples of medications known to interact with Viagra or Cialis:

  • Amyl nitrate, which can also be misused as a street drug known as “poppers.”
  • Nitroglycerine, a medication used to treat angina (chest pain) in people with coronary artery disease.
  • Certain types of blood pressure medications, prescription drugs that lower high blood pressure. (Isosorbide mononitrate is one example.)

2. Uncomfortable side effects

The side effects of Viagra and Cialis are usually mild. Headache is a common side effect that can vary from mild to pounding. You may also experience:

  • Acid reflux.
  • Facial flushing.
  • Muscle aches.
  • Stuffy nose.
  • Vision changes.

One of the most severe adverse events is called priapism, a painful erection that lasts for several hours. “Luckily2, it is quite rare when using oral ED medications,” notes Dr. Bole. “But if this happens to you, seek emergency medical care immediately.”

3. Psychological dependency

Frequent use of Viagra or Cialis just to boost confidence can create psychological dependency — especially if you’ve never discussed the issue with anyone. You may eventually feel that you need it to have sex, creating a long-term issue for you and your partner.

“If you are having severe performance anxiety that’s affecting your erections, I recommend talking to your healthcare provider or a sex therapist,” says Dr. Bole.

“A medical professional can discuss your worries about sex; help you set personalized and realistic expectations; and develop strategies to improve your confidence without relying on medication alone.”

You may still choose to try a medication, but understanding the psychology behind sexual performance is a healthier strategy.

4. Unknown dosage and contaminants

ED drugs and supplements are easy to find without a prescription. People get them from friends, family members and online. You can even find them sold as vitamin or herbal supplements at gas stations.

But without a prescription from a reputable provider, you don’t know the dosage of active ingredients in the pills you’re taking or even what may truly be in the medication.

For example, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has issued advisories for “Rhino” male enhancement products. These products are available at gas stations, corner stores and online. Marketed as “dietary supplements,” tests show they may contain hidden PDE5 inhibitors.

Taking these sorts of fraudulent products can be dangerous for unsuspecting consumers, warns the FDA.

5. Association with high-risk behaviors

Combining Viagra or Cialis with alcohol or drugs can lower inhibitions. As a result, you may be more likely to engage in risky sexual behavior that could expose you to sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

“Using ED medications to enhance your sexual performance when you’re under the influence of alcohol or drugs can lead you to make choices that harm your sexual and overall health,” stresses Dr. Bole.

When to talk to your provider about Viagra use

If you’re taking Viagra or Cialis recreationally to improve your sexual or exercise performance, Dr. Bole recommends letting your provider know.

Long-term use could mask a real decline in erectile function due to underlying health problems such as:

“Some patients may feel reluctant or embarrassed to talk about their sex life,” recognizes Dr. Bole. “But we have these conversations all the time with patients. You are not alone. Our role is to help you understand the risks versus benefits and provide guidance without judgment.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Nearly a fifth of teenagers say internet main information source on sexual health

— Youngsters are turning to online sources to learn about sex which is leaving them vulnerable to potentially ‘dangerous’ information, a charity warned.

A poll suggests that 30% of young people turned to social media as their main source of information about sexual orientation and gender identity

By Eleanor Busby

Nearly a fifth of teenagers say the internet is their main source for information about sexual health and healthy relationships, a survey suggests.

Young people are turning to online sources to learn about relationships and sex which is leaving them vulnerable to potentially “dangerous” and “untrustworthy” information, the Sex Education Forum charity has warned.

A poll, of 1,001 students aged 16 and 17 in England, suggests that 30% of young people turned to social media as their main source of information about sexual orientation and gender identity, ahead of school (25%).

The survey, carried out by Censuswide on behalf of the charity in February, found that 22% of young people said the internet was their main source of information on pornography, while 15% said they turned to pornography itself as their main source of information on the topic.

Around a fifth said social media and websites were their main source of information about unhealthy relationships (21%), healthy relationships (18%) and sexual health (18%).

The findings, which have been shared with the PA news agency, come after the Government announced a review of its statutory relationships, sex and health education (RSHE) guidance for schools more than a year ago.

Delegates at the annual conference of the National Education Union last week warned that social media influencers, such as Andrew Tate, are contributing to a rise in sexism and misogyny which young girls are facing in schools.

The Sex Education Forum poll suggests nearly half of students learned nothing at all or not enough at school on power imbalances in relationships (49%), porn (49%) and how to access local sexual health services (46%).

More than two in five reported learning nothing at all or not enough at school on attitudes and behaviour of boys and men towards girls and women (44%) and on gender identity (44%).

The charity’s report on relationships and sex education (RSE) said: “It is clear that schools feel under-confident about delivering on some areas of the curriculum that are statutory, but are particularly taboo and politicised.

“The problem is that these gaps leave young people vulnerable to misinformation as they seek out knowledge from online sources like social media, or have no access to advice at all.”

Last month, the Women and Equalities Committee said there was compelling evidence that RSE is “failing young people” as it warned of soaring rates of sexually transmitted diseases,

More than four in five (81%) of the teenagers who were surveyed said they agreed that primary school children should be taught about the importance of consent for things like touching another person’s body, while 73% said they believed they should be warned about the harms of pornography.

More than half (56%) said children should see examples of same-sex relationships – included in stories, scenarios and discussion – in primary schools, while 53% said children should learn what trans and non-binary mean.

Teenage girls were more likely to say children should be taught about the importance of consent in primary school than their male peers (85% compared with 77%), the survey suggests.

Since September 2020, relationships and sex education has been compulsory in secondary schools in England, while relationships education has been compulsory in primary schools.

In March last year, Rishi Sunak announced a review of RSHE guidance for schools following concerns that children were being exposed to “inappropriate” content.

But the Department for Education (DfE) has yet to publish a consultation on the guidance.

When asked to select from a list of possible actions the Government could take to help improve RSE, more than half called for training for teachers to develop more confidence with the subject (57%), and flexibility for schools to cover RSE topics at the age that their pupils need (52%).

Lucy Emmerson, chief executive of the Sex Education Forum, said: “More than a year after announcing a review of the subject, we are still waiting for Government to release its promised consultation and refreshed guidance for relationships and sex education (RSE).

“While we hope these launch following the Easter recess, Westminster has been delaying this critical review despite the increasingly complex relationships landscape for young people and the well-documented harms impacting them, from sexual abuse and violence to poor sexual health.

“I am alarmed to find that students feel today’s biggest issues, including pornography and attitudes of men and boys towards women and girls, are not being adequately covered.

“Hearing that young people seek questionable or even dangerous information on outlets like social media to fill gaps on key topics should be a wake-up call that better provision is needed from schools for the safety of our pupils.

“Government must heed the voices of young people and release improved guidance that deals with their realities – and soon.”

The charity is calling on the Government to prioritise flexible “age and stage” relevant content and providing more teacher training.

Ms Emmerson added: “Neglecting young people’s views does the next generation a disservice by leaving them dependent on potentially untrustworthy online sources for information and ill-equipped for healthy relationships.”

Margaret Mulholland, inclusion specialist at the Association of School and College Leaders (ASCL), said: “It is extremely worrying that children are turning to the internet for information about sexual education and relationships as this information may be unreliable and harmful.

“We are very concerned, in particular, about the rise of online misogyny and the impact this is having on the behaviour of some young people.

“Schools play a crucial role in providing reliable and responsible information on these issues through their relationships, sex and health education programmes.

“However, they have been poorly supported by the Government in terms of resources and training and are expected to deliver this sensitive and complex topic within packed timetables and severe funding pressures.”

A Government spokesperson said: “As part of the current review of the RSHE curriculum, we are looking at where certain topics can be strengthened, in an age-appropriate and factual way.

“We want to ensure all children are safe online and so, through our world-leading Online Safety Act, social media firms are being required to protect children from being exposed to harmful material online, and the Education Secretary recently took robust action by prohibiting the use of mobile phones in schools.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Multiple Sclerosis

— How to Have a Healthy Sex Life

Multiple sclerosis (MS), like many other chronic medical conditions, can affect every aspect of a person’s life, including their sex life. MS can create physical and emotional barriers that must be overcome to have a healthy sex life. Here is what you need to know about sex and MS.

By Kristopher Bunting, MD

  • MS can decrease sex drive and cause sexual dysfunction in men and women.
  • The emotional toll of MS can affect sexual function and intimate relationships.
  • Sexual dysfunction caused by MS is treatable with medication and other therapies. Patience, communication, and therapy can help improve relationship problems caused by MS.

Multiple Sclerosis (MS)

Multiple sclerosis affects 2.8 million people worldwide, including 1 million people in the United States alone. MS is an immune-mediated disease that occurs when the body’s immune system attacks healthy nerve cells, ultimately preventing nerves from communicating with one another. MS affects nerves within the brain and throughout the body, causing both physical and mental problems. MS affects the body and the mind, both of which are involved in sexual function.

MS can affect different parts of the brain as well as different parts of the body. This causes people with MS to have different symptoms, severity, and disease progression. While individual experiences with MS vary, MS presents similar challenges and difficulties for everyone.

Physical effects of MS

MS can cause a variety of sexual problems, both directly and indirectly. These are described as primary, secondary, and tertiary sexual dysfunction. Because the brain plays a role in many different bodily functions, problems with communication within and outside the brain can affect sexual function by influencing hormone levels, mental sexual arousal, and physical sexual response. There are many, often unexpected, ways that MS can impact your life.

The effects of primary sexual dysfunction caused by MS include:

  • Low libido (sex drive).
  • Numbness or decreased sensitivity of the genitals.
  • Erectile dysfunction.
  • Poor vaginal lubrication.
  • Difficulty achieving orgasm or ejaculation.

Secondary sexual dysfunction caused by MS includes:

  • Muscle weakness.
  • Muscle spasticity.
  • Fatigue.
  • Pain.
  • Incontinence.

Emotional effects of MS

Sex is both physical and mental; your mental or emotional state affects your sex life. MS can have a profoundly negative impact on mental health and relationships.

Tertiary sexual dysfunction includes problems caused by the emotional and psychological effects of MS.

Depression can cause sexual dysfunction by lowering sex drive, decreasing sexual arousal, and preventing or delaying orgasm. Low self-esteem and poor body image can lead to emotional insecurity. Physical and emotional problems caused by MS can make it difficult to establish and maintain intimate relationships.

How to improve sex with MS

MS, like other chronic illnesses, can force you to make adjustments to how you would normally do things in your day-to-day life; this includes sex. You can improve your sex life by understanding the effects that MS has on your body and mind and making changes to your physical and emotional approach to sex.
Treat sexual dysfunction

MS causes sexual dysfunction in men and women, but it is treatable. There are many treatments available for erectile dysfunction, but there are also treatments available for women with sexual dysfunction marked by difficulty with arousal and orgasm.

To improve sexual dysfunction caused by MS:

  • Treat erectile dysfunction (pills, injections, pumps).
  • Treat female arousal problems with Addyi (flibanserin) or Vyleesi (bremelanotide).
  • Use water-soluble lubrication liberally.
  • Use sex toys to increase stimulation.

Make adjustments based on your limitations

Weakness, pain, and physical limitations can make sex more difficult, but you can make adjustments to your sexual routine to account for these things.

To overcome physical limitations caused by MS:

  1. Adjust sexual positions to increase comfort, reduce pain, and improve stimulation;
  2. Use medication to help with incontinence;
  3. Take medication side effects into account; adjust when you take medications.

Building better relationships with MS

Physical difficulties caused by MS are only half of the problem; the other half is mental. Building and maintaining healthy intimate relationships can be difficult regardless of physical limitations or emotional problems. Relationship problems affect everyone at some point in their lives, whether you have MS or not. Any relationship, sexual or not, can benefit from self-care, patience, and good communication.

To have a healthy intimate relationship with MS:

  1. Seek support, therapy, and/or medication to deal with emotional problems;
  2. Communicate your needs, desires, and expectations with your partner;
  3. Consider couples counseling or sexual therapy.

Communication is the cornerstone of any interpersonal relationship. Good communication is essential for healthy intimate relationships, especially when there are barriers that make intimacy more difficult. Perhaps the most important steps you can take to strengthen a relationship is to share your expectations with your partner and work together to meet those expectations.

Multiple sclerosis takes a physical and emotional toll on those who suffer from it. MS can decrease sexual drive, impair sexual function, make sex physically difficult, and damage intimate relationships. Fortunately, there are ways to improve sexual drive and function in those with MS by using medication and other sexual dysfunction therapies. Additionally, understanding the limitations to sexual activity caused by MS can help you make adjustments that allow you to meet your physical needs. Finally, patience and good communication with your partner are essential for establishing and maintaining a healthy intimate relationship.

A diagnosis of MS is life-changing for both you and those closest to you. MS presents many challenges to living a “normal” life, but those challenges can be met and conquered. Don’t let a diagnosis of MS or other chronic illness keep you from pursuing intimacy or other things that help make life fulfilling.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The ‘boy sober’ movement and why women are sick of dating

— Marriage and ‘soulmates’ are out; finding inner peace, self-development, and building stronger friendships are in

By Daisy Schofield

It was a visit to her grandmother at the end of last year that made Hope Woodard, 26, from New York, realise that it was time to quit dating. During the visit, Hope’s grandma, who has dementia, lent over to her and showed her the messages she’d been sending to her late husband.

At the time, Hope was obsessing about a guy from Hinge who she’d gone on a few dates with. “I was just on standby all the time and checking my phone like a crazy person,” she tells Cosmopolitan UK. “And I was just so aware of the fact that he couldn’t have cared less if I lived or died.”

Seeing her grandmother sending texts into the ether was a sharp reminder of her own love life. “I come from a long line of women who have never been able to live without men,” says Hope. “It just made me think: this is going to be me. I’m getting ghosted by a guy, and my grandma’s getting ghosted by her literal dead husband. I was like, we have to stop the cycle.”

Shortly after the visit, Hope deleted all her dating apps, and made a rule with herself: no more dates for a year. Then, armed with a catchy new term coined by her sister, Hope started documenting her ‘boy sober’ journey to her half a million TikTok followers. The caption for the first video, which she shared in November, read: “Should we start a CULT.” In a later video, Hope laid out the rules of going boy sober, among them “no dating apps”, “no dates, no exes”, “no situationships”, and “no hugs and kisses – etcetera”.

The term quickly took off, and soon enough others were boarding the boy sober train. Among them is Carly Galluzo, aged 28 and also from New York, who went boy sober earlier this year, citing similar behaviours to Hope as the reason for her decision. The pattern is a familiar one: she’d fall for someone quickly, find herself totally consumed with thinking about them, and then become bitterly disappointed when they didn’t live up to her expectations.

The last time this happened was in January, when Carly met a guy off an app and fell for him in a short space of time. “I was just having these obsessive thoughts; I wasn’t really sleeping. I was just thinking, ‘What are our lives going to look like? What is our wedding going to look like?’” says Carly. “I’d only been speaking to him for one week.”

When it didn’t work out, she was once again left feeling “angry and upset”. “I’ve been single, but whenever I’ve been single, I’ve been searching,” Carly continues. “It made me think that maybe I should just stop this whole thing, press the reset button, and really reflect on how I’ve been dating my whole life.” In January, Carly deleted her dating apps and hasn’t been on a date since. Even when she’s had people reach out to ask her on a date – some who she could picture herself with romantically – she’ll tell them that she “isn’t dating at the moment”. Unlike Hope, Carly hasn’t set an end date for her boy sobriety.

While Carly and Hope’s decision to cut out all romantic encounters may sound drastic, wanting to take a step back from dating is a feeling many will be familiar with. Dating app fatigue is steadily on the rise, as people tire of the endless swiping and expensive dates that go nowhere. “If you’re feeling burned out by dating, it might be time to have a little bit of a break. Focus on what you love doing, and on the people in your life who matter,” says Natasha Silverman, a relationship counsellor with Relate. “When you’re feeling more confident and secure, it tends to be that you come to dating from a really different place. You know who you are, and what you’re willing to tolerate.”

Silverman adds that people often use dating and sex “compulsively, or to numb negative feelings or low self-esteem.” These tendencies, she says, “could be a sign that it’s time to focus on you, and how you can look after yourself”.

“I’m not scared of being alone anymore. I’ve established so many good friendships”

The desire to quit dating – even if it’s just temporarily – also reflects changing attitudes to love and relationships. Marriage and the concept of a soulmate are increasingly considered outdated, while self-development and building stronger friendships are taking on greater importance. According to research by Bumble, almost half (47%) of 18 to 24-year-olds in the UK say that platonic friendships are more important to them than romantic ones.

Both Hope and Carly say that forgoing romantic relationships has led them to form deeper platonic friendships, which has helped them to feel less worried about meeting certain milestones, like marriage. “I don’t feel lonely, whereas I did in relationships,” says Carly. “I’m not scared of being alone anymore. I know that won’t happen, because I’ve established so many good friendships.”

While ditching dating can help people to gain more perspective about what their priorities are, re-entering the dating world post-boy sobriety isn’t always easy. Stephanie Fabry, age 27 from Los Angeles, quit dating when she was 24 after a series of sexual encounters that made her self-worth “crumble”. “I really wanted to start attracting men who were actually going to treat me right and with respect,” she says. After struggling initially – she had sex with someone not long after resolving to stop hooking up with people – Stephanie went completely “cold turkey”, giving up all romantic interactions for a year.

When Stephanie did start dating again, it wasn’t how she imagined it would be. “I was still attracting the same kind of guy – people who wanted casual sex over getting to know me – and I was finding it really frustrating,” she reflects. “My standards were now super high, so I started to think, I’m okay being single forever.” Although she’s now in a secure relationship, it took Stephanie a while to open up to people again, and to lose the “shield” she had put up after not dating for so long.

Stephanie now wishes she’d taken a less puritanical approach. “I’m really grateful for the year that I took off dating, but I didn’t have to become so hyper-independent,” she tells Cosmopolitan UK. “I could still have made guy friends and started to form connections in a way that’s healthy. If I could go back and do it differently, I would focus more on what I wanted to feel in my next relationship.”

Silverman stresses that abandoning dating entirely isn’t necessarily going to solve the negative emotions or behaviours dating might give rise to. “You don’t know what’s going to come up until you’re with someone else,” she says. “We only learn who we are when we’re with others.” Besides, the value of flirting shouldn’t be overlooked. “It’s good for our emotional wellbeing and our sexual self; to cut that out altogether might potentially get you out of practice.”

“The point of boy sobriety is to try to rewire my brain and my old habits”

Hope is still grappling with what it means to be truly boy sober. When we speak, she admits to having fallen off the wagon and slept with someone a week ago – or what she terms a “boy lapse”. “Initially when it happened, I felt like such a hypocrite. I was being so hard on myself,” she says. “But then I started thinking about what the point of boy sobriety really is, which is to try to rewire my brain and my old habits.”

She’s now pushing for a more expansive view of what it means to be boy sober to her followers, stressing that it does not have to equal celibate. “One thing that I don’t want this word to reinforce is making any woman feel like she can’t or shouldn’t have sex if she wants to,” she says. “I feel like we’re all still learning how to have sex in healthier ways, and I want women to feel empowered when they’re dating and having sex.”

For Hope, total independence from sex and relationships “isn’t the goal”. Understanding why she feels the way she does in romantic situations, and how it relates to things like past traumas, is what she’s looking to figure out now. “Maybe that’s what the word means,” she concludes. “Taking a very sober look at your dating life.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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One common habit could be key to improving your sex life

— It only takes 20 seconds and can even be done in public

This simple trick could bring you closer to your partner

By Ellie Hutchings

If your sex life has taken a hit recently, trying this 20-second trick could help boost physical intimacy.

As many parents will know, your sex life can change quite dramatically after you have kids. Between sleep deprivation, postpartum hormones and leaky or sensitive boobs thanks to breastfeeding, you’re likely feeling as though you’ve gone off sex. And even when your baby gets older, busy family life means being physically intimate with your partner might remain low down on your list of priorities.

So, if you feel like you need to spice up your relationship, then you’re not alone. But trying something new in the bedroom like tantric sex isn’t the only way to do this -there are much simpler things you can do to improve your sex life.

Appearing on a recent episode of the Diary of a CEO podcast, doctors John and Julie Gottman – who have been married for 36 years and spent decades studying relationships – shared a few small things couples can do to improve their relationship. But there was one habit in particular that makes a difference to sex life.

Citing research published in the book The Normal Bar, Dr John said, “There are really about a dozen things that people do and have a great sex life – saying, ‘I love you’ every day and meaning it is one of them, giving compliments, romantic gifts, having a lot of touch, and cuddling.”

 

And it turns out cuddling is key, as he went on to say, “Of the people who don’t cuddle, only four per cent of them said they had a great sex life. Ninety six per cent of the non-cuddlers had an awful sex life. So touch is very important – even physical touch and affection in public was a big thing.”

So, if you feel like your sex life has been neglected recently, try to take some time to cuddle, and you might notice the difference. Dr John Gottman recommended that twenty seconds is the optimal length of time for a hug, because this releases oxytocin, which makes you feel safe and connected psychologically.

This was found by a study in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine, in which almost 200 people (who were partners in couples that were living together) were given the very stressful task of public speaking. But before the task, half the group had the benefit of a 20-second hug from their partner, while the other half just rested quietly on their own. Both men and women in the hugging group showed lower stress levels.

Feeling safe and calm with your partner is key to improving sex life, particularly for women, as Dr John explained in the podcast. Speaking to host and entrepreneur Steven Bartlett, he said: “Men don’t need to feel safe to feel sexual, women do. Women need to feel psychologically safe and that means emotional connection – it also means there can’t be a long to-do list of things that they have to get done.”

This might explain why you rarely feel in the mood for sex after having kids – because chances are your to-do list feels neverending. But as well as that 20-second hug, communicating your needs and explaining the mental load to your partner could help you feel more physically connected again.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Lesbians are way more likely to orgasm than straight women, new study finds

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We have yet another reason to feel sorry for straight women — and another reason to celebrate the joy of lesbianism. According to a new study, lesbians are much better at getting their partners to orgasm than straight men (but really, we already figured as much).

The study, “The Role of Partner Gender: How Sexual Expectations Shape the Pursuit of an Orgasm Goal for Heterosexual, Lesbian, and Bisexual Women,” comes from researchers at Rutgers University. In a two-phase survey, women of various sexualities were asked about their last sexual experiences, and the results speak for themselves.

The first phase asked 476 lesbian and heterosexual women about their most recent sexual experience. Lesbian women reported orgasming 20% more than straight women.

The second phase of the study focused on bisexual women, asking them to imagine sex with both men and women and reporting how likely they think they’d be to orgasm in each scenario on a scale of one to seven. Imagining sex with women yielded an average score of 5.86, compared to only 4.88 for hypothetical sex with men.

There was some common ground for all the women in the study, though: no matter their own sexuality or their partner’s gender, clitoral stimulation was the key to reaching orgasm.

Kate Dickman, one of the study’s lead authors, offered some advice for those struggling to climax (or struggling to get their partner there). “If women, or men partnered with women, want to increase their own or their partners’ orgasm, they should create an environment that encourages orgasm pursuit through diverse sex acts, particularly those involving clitoral stimulation,” she wrote.

To that end, the researchers discovered a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy: when they were having sex with other women, the study participants thought they had a greater chance to orgasm, and because they were expecting it, it was more likely to happen. In other words, expecting to orgasm means you’re more likely to, and so far, lesbians have been better at setting high expectations.

“The problem is not inherent to men or to being heterosexual, but to the dominant sexual scripts associated with heterosexual sex,” explained Grace Wetzel, another of the study’s authors. “Sexual scripts are flexible and can be changed.”

Basically, straight men need to take a page from the lesbian book and give straight women the foreplay and attention they deserve.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Practical Guide to Modern Polyamory

— How to open things up, for the curious couple.

By , , , , and

If you live in New York, it’s very possible you’ve recently found yourself chatting with a co-worker, or listening to the table next to you at a restaurant, and heard some variation of “They just opened up, and they’re so much happier.” Or “My partner’s partner truly sucks.” Ethical non-monogamy isn’t new (The Ethical Slut, the polyamorous bible, came out in 1997), and it isn’t exactly mainstream, but it isn’t so fringe either (or reserved for those who live in the Bay Area). A curious person might be tempted to download Feeld or let their partner know over salmon they’re ready to let in a third. But though people don’t talk about it in hushed tones anymore — Riverdale just ended with Archie, Betty, Jughead, and Veronica in a quad, after all — it isn’t such a simple thing to do well. There are a million things that can go awry, from the small and awkward (oversharing about a date) to the enormous and life-imploding (ending an otherwise fine relationship). The poly-curious among you likely have questions about the day-to-day operations — how do you tell your kids about it? Where do you find people to date? What if your partner gets way more matches than you do? What if their new partner is way hotter than you? To that end, we’ve created an exceedingly in-depth guide. We talked to nearly 40 people — some who’ve had open relationships for decades, others who only recently opened things up — to figure out how to capably, or at least less messily, date non-monogamously.

Is There Only One Way to Do It?

There are many, and choosing which one suits you depends on a lot of factors: Are you currently in a relationship? If you are, do you want other relationships to take equal priority? Do you want to fall in love with other people or just have sex with them? A non-exhaustive taxonomy.

Open Relationship: In a strictly technical sense, this is when you and your partner can have sexual, but not romantic, relationships with other people.

Swinging: A couple who have sex or dates with other people as a duo.

Hierarchical polyamory: When you and your partner can have relationships — romantic or sexual — with other people but have agreed to remain each other’s primary partner. You might pursue these relationships as a couple or separately.

Nonhierarchical polyamory: There are no primary partners in this scenario — everyone is on an equal footing.

Solo-poly: A single person pursuing multiple intimate or sexual relationships while trying to avoid riding the Relationship Escalator. This means you’re not particularly interested in, say, sharing a home or bank account with any one person.

Wait, What Is a ‘Metamour’?

Becoming non-monogamous doesn’t mean you have to join a ten-person polycule or memorize ‘The Ethical Slut.’ Still, there are terms that many non-monogamous people will use while discussing their arrangements, and it’ll make things easier to familiarize yourself with at least a few.

Comet partner: A romantic or sexual partner who might live far away or appears in your life only occasionally. When around, you pick up your tryst, but there are no obligations to one another between these meeting points.

Compersion: The pleasure you derive from your partner enjoying romantic or sexual happiness or success with a person who isn’t you. The opposite of jealousy.

Kitchen-table polyamory: A style in which everybody in a polyamorous network — primary partners, tertiary partners, metamours — is encouraged to form close and friendly relationships with one another (without necessarily being romantically involved) to the point where they can all sit down and have dinner without its being weird.

Metamour: Your partner’s other partners whom you are not also dating.

Monogamish: Often attributed to relationship columnist Dan Savage, this arrangement is at the halfway point of monogamous and open: You and your partner are exclusively committed to each other but allowed purely physical encounters on the side. Think of Cameron and Daphne from White Lotus, season two.

New-relationship energy (NRE): The all-consuming, chemistry-altering high that accompanies the early period of being romantically involved with a new person. NRE, and the chance to experience it many times, is cited as one of the biggest perks of polyamory, but it’s also one of the biggest sources of anxiety when a partner is experiencing it with someone else.

Nesting partners: The partner(s) with whom you live. Not necessarily a primary partner.

One-penis policy (OPP): Probably the most-hated concept in the world of ethical non-monogamy; this is often when a cis straight man only allows his female partner to sleep with another person who doesn’t have a penis.

Polysaturated: When you’ve reached maximum capacity on partners and/or time.

Primary partners: For people who practice hierarchical non-monogamy, this is the relationship that comes above all others in terms of time, commitment, loyalty — sometimes the person you share a home, finances, or children with. If you have a primary partner, you might refer to your other partners as secondary or tertiary.

Relationship escalator: This refers to the way in which monogamous people, by default, “level up” their romantic relationships: how they go from dating to becoming exclusive to living together to getting married to merging finances to having children. A process that many non-monogamous people want to avoid or at least question.

Vee structure: A three-person arrangement in which one person acts as the “hinge,” or point of connection, while the other two don’t have a romantic or physical relationship with one another.

Veto Power: If you’re in a primary partnership, you may grant each other the ability to call for a change in each other’s outside relationships — whether they’re spending too much time with a person or you simply object to them dating that person as a whole. A controversial concept within the poly world.

How Do I Broach This With My Partner?

There are so many ways this conversation could go wrong. So we asked three couples who handled it well — and one who might have handled it better — to tell us how they first proposed it.

Julia told Matt she had a crush.

Julia: After we had our child, I went through a few years of lacking sexual interest. It got to the point where it felt like I might never be interested in having sex again and that would be fine. That began to change in May 2022. I started having a crush on someone. I didn’t know if I was even going to tell Matt, but I didn’t want to repress this part of myself. And I didn’t want to cheat on him. Eventually, I told him about this crush, how I was feeling different and vibrant. I said, “I’m feeling more open about my sexuality and more interested in exploring it.” He said, “Are you asking to open the marriage?”

Matt: We talked and cried for hours. But I knew it made no sense to hold her back. I was like, I’m not going to get in your fucking way.

Julia: It was still an unresolved idea, and we sat with it for a week. I never wanted to push it, I wanted to wait for him to be the one to suggest it. Eventually, he said, “I don’t want to hold you back from being yourself.”

Misty reminded Ari of an old conversation.

Ages: 29 and 29
Open for: 3 years

Misty: The conversation happened after Ari came out as nonbinary. I brought up these conversations we had had in college about having threesomes. I used to say, “I would only do it if it was two guys. I’m not gay.” He’d say: “I’d do it if it were two girls. I’m not gay.” So at the time we thought, Okay, well, then we’re never going to do this.

Ari: You had just come out as pansexual. You said, “Maybe we can talk about what it would look like for me to start exploring that part of my sexuality.” I was shocked at my own response because in the past I’ve been very territorial and heavily monogamous. But I was like, “Yeah, let’s start talking about it.”

Misty: You had the moral high ground of, “Oh, my wife is coming out to me. This is me honoring someone’s queerness.” Literally a few months later, at my birthday party, there was a girl there we were really into, and the threesome happened. The next day, we were like, “Wow, that was fun. Should we download Feeld?” I do think the first conversation was deceptively easy.

Steven and Andrew talked about flirting.

Ages: 45 and 39
Open for: 7 years

>Steven: Andrew can tell me every single day that I look great, that I look sexy. And of course I want to hear those things, but there’s a difference between your husband telling you that and someone you’re not married to saying it.

Andrew: Every year, we’d go to this Christmas party. It was lots of gay men on Broadway. They were all beautiful, and it was a party full of flirting. I remember one time asking Steven afterward, “How do you feel about me flirting with other people?” Because I felt the same way Steven did — a beautiful man at that party can make me feel sexy in a way that my husband can’t. So we discussed those feelings and talked about how we both thought it was healthy. That was a gateway for us.

Eva gave Tomas an ultimatum.

Ages: 30 and 30
Open for: 8 years

Tomas: I was in Europe, she was in the U.S., and she wasn’t happy with the relationship. We got to a stage where she said, “Either we open it up or we have to break up.”

Eva: I obviously know now that in the literature there’s this idea of non-monogamy by coercion, and that isn’t great. But it was challenging to do long distance. Also, Tomas was my first serious relationship, and I had this fear that I would settle too early. I wanted to date other people.

Tomas: It was not something I ever considered. I always saw myself in a monogamous relationship and married with kids and all that. But we talked about it over a few months, which helped.

Eva: At the beginning, he thought I was trying to find a way to replace him. Over time, when he realized that wasn’t happening, he was more fine with it.

Should We Come Up With Some Rules?

When couples start being non-monogamous, there are, in general, two kinds of rules they tend to set. The first is about the structure of the arrangement. Are you seeing new people as a duo, or is it okay to pursue an outside relationship on your own? Are you remaining each other’s primary partners, or are you eliminating the hierarchy entirely? Breaking these kinds of rules can feel like a violation or at least require serious negotiation. A few years ago, Alice and her husband opened their marriage. They knew they wanted to date together and had started seeing another couple but hadn’t set firm rules. One day, the four of them were together at a food festival in Brooklyn. “I had to go off somewhere, and the other husband had to go off somewhere. So my husband and the woman were left at this food festival and ended up going back to our apartment together and then slept together,” she says. “We hadn’t clearly said, ‘No, that’s not allowed.’ It was murky. But I felt really betrayed and devastated, which I think is hard for people outside of the lifestyle to understand.”

The second kind of rules are of the more tactical, logistics-y variety. Keep your wedding ring on always, for example, or no sleepovers at home, or no more than two dates with other people per week. Nearly every couple we spoke to said that these types of rules are more like training wheels: important to set up and follow in the beginning to make everyone feel safe but likely to fall off as people get more comfortable. Brittany and Roy gave each other curfews, which they stuck to in the beginning, until needing to be home at a certain time started to make them feel constrained and they realized they didn’t really care. It became a specific request for specific circumstances, like if one of them was sick. Blake and Paula had the “no sex in the shared bed” rule for a while, “but at a certain point I was like, ‘I personally don’t care anymore whether you have sex with someone else in our bed,’” says Paula. “This does not seem important to me. ‘Go forth and let’s see how it feels.’ And then you did it and I did it. And we were both like, ‘Oh, this is fine. We don’t care.’” Some non-monogamous people are skeptical of rules in general. “I think a path for success for an open couple is to be able to be very present, treat every moment as if it’s unique,” says Robert. His partner, Olivia, adds, “If you had a set of rules, it would almost feel very strict, like monogamy.”

Where Do I Meet People?

Unless you live in Brooklyn or San Francisco (and even if you do), chances are you’re meeting people on the apps. Many default to Feeld, the non-monogamy and kink-friendly dating app, but you could do just as well somewhere like Hinge, matching only with others who label themselves non-monogamous. If you and your partner are dating separately, you might consider acting as each other’s wingman. After Toni opened her marriage, she found that she was having trouble meeting women. “I joined several apps, and nothing was really happening for me,” she says. Her husband, Tom, started matching with people he could potentially set her up with on Feeld. To one woman, Clarissa, he wrote, ‘Hey, my wife would love to speak with you separately without me, are you okay if I connect you?” then put Clarissa and Toni in a group chat. The two of them dated for a few months.

Does My Wife Want to Hear About My Night?

Some couples who date separately follow a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy — this can work well for those who like a little secrecy or just don’t want to talk about everything. But more often, couples like to share at least some details about how their respective love lives are going. Some ways to make those conversations less fraught.

Don’t debrief immediately.

“When we get home from a date with somebody else, that’s not the time to talk about it,” says Ethan, who opened his marriage three years ago. In that moment, he says, the most important thing is to reassure your partner: “Hey, I came home to you, and I want to be with you.” He adds, “Then, after some time has gone by, you can say, ‘How did the date go?’ It’s easier the second day.”

And don’t go into every detail.

Even if you and your partner want to be transparent with each other, it doesn’t necessitate giving a play-by-play. For one thing, too much information could send your partner into a spiral of anxiety or insecurity. Plus it’s not always the most considerate to the partners who aren’t in the room. “It feels a little bad to talk about every little thing you did with somebody, especially if they don’t have the ability to tell their own story,” says Blake, who has been partnered for ten years and poly for seven. “It’s just bad manners.”

But do consider sharing breakthroughs.

The one exception to Blake and his wife Paula’s rule is when they have a sexual first. “The first time I fisted someone, I was like, ‘Oh my God, Blake,’” Paula says. Another time, Blake called her with news. “I was like, ‘I fucked a guy in the butt,’” Blake says. “We celebrated.”

And findings.

“There’s one guy that I was with, and it was just a fabulous experience,” says Emily, who is married to Ethan. “I told him I couldn’t squirt. He said, ‘I am telling you, you can,’ and at the end of a four-hour session with him, I squirted for the first time.” Upon hearing about this, Ethan felt insecure. “But then I said, ‘Okay, what did he do? Let me learn,’” he says. “Now I think we need to send him Christmas cards.”

Should We Sleep With Them on the First Date?

If you’re a couple on a date with another couple, there are things to consider that you don’t have to think about as a single on a date with another single. “We’ve been a lot of couples’ first dates after they’ve opened up their relationship,” says Amelia, who frequently dates other couples with her husband, Chris. Below, the two share some advice.

Amelia: We’ve been together eight years, and it’s exciting to see that charming first-date persona anew in your partner.

Chris: But we often notice that other couples seem unsure of what they want out of the situation. We will say, “What are you guys hoping for?” And they’ll say, “We never really talked about it.” So we’re often putting the brakes on. People will want to go out for drinks, then go back to their place, and it’s like, “No, it would be better if you guys went home, processed your feelings, and then let us know if you’re both interested.” A red flag is when one partner seems overly excited and the other is pulling back. And sometimes two people just clearly want different things. So we try to really communicate — like, we’ll say, “Hey, are you in this pile of eight people because you want to be, or are you in it because you feel like you need to be?”

Amelia: When dating together, we have pretty good game: We’ll tee each other up to be charming. But sometimes we just have more of a connection with only one of the people in the couple: Our current girlfriend and boyfriend both started out as part of other couples. Things didn’t work out with the other partner, but we kept seeing them.

Am I Being Nice Enough to My Boyfriend’s Girlfriend?

If you’re not in a “don’t ask, don’t tell” situation, you may find yourself getting to know your partner’s partners, otherwise known as your metamours.

Don’t think of them as rivals.

When it comes to her husband’s girlfriends, Ali goes out of her way to avoid acting territorial. “I’m not in competition with these women. It’s not like, I’m more important because I am his wife. I am here to make sure that their needs are being met as well as mine,” she says. In the past, she’s given her phone number to new people her husband is dating in case they’re feeling unsure about him and want to talk. She’ll also intervene to make sure her husband is being a good boyfriend. “He has a girlfriend that he’s been with for two years,” she says. “I know the relationship is important, so sometimes I’ll facilitate. I’ll ask, ‘Have you FaceTimed or seen Daphne lately?’”

It’s okay to say, “Hey, this is our thing.”

Alejandra recently went on a trip upstate with Diego (her primary partner), Ivy (Diego’s partner), and Nathan (Ivy’s partner). It was the first vacation the group had taken together, and Alejandra pulled her metamour, Ivy, aside. “In bed, I refer to Diego a lot as ‘Daddy,’ and the one thing that I asked Ivy not to do in front of me on this trip was call him that because that might make me uncomfortable,” Alejandra said. “Ivy was like, ‘Oh, that’s totally fine. I’ve never called him that in my life.’ I was like, ‘Great.’”

But also, it’s not all on you.

A lot of the responsibility lies with the hinge, or mutual partner, in making sure nobody feels neglected. “When you are the middle person, you need to make sure that you’re giving equal amounts of attention to those two people,” Alejandra says. “It can be mental gymnastics: Okay, I held this person’s hand. So I have to hold this person’s hand. Oh, I gave this person a kiss. Oh, fuck, I want to make sure that everyone feels loved.” On their trip upstate, Diego, the hinge, was openly affectionate with Ivy in front of Alejandra, but later, when Alejandra began feeling insecure, he reassured her. Alejandra describes the situation: “I’m like, I’ve gained about 20 pounds, so I do not feel super-comfortable in my skin, and Ivy’s gorgeous. As soon as I felt that, I just started talking about it in front of everyone, and Diego told me some nice things, that I’m superhot and fuckable, and that’s what I needed. He did a great job. I would love to go on a little trip with them all again.”

But if your metamour is giving you a genuinely bad feeling, don’t ignore it.

Ali recalls a former metamour who grew angry after she and her husband tried to set boundaries. “She told him she had HPV, which is not a scary thing to most people, but I have a family history of cancer,” Ali says. “I said that certain sex acts are off the table, and she ended up exploding on him on his birthday while he was with his family, just keeping him on the phone for hours and hours.” The relationship ended on its own, but if it hadn’t, Ali would’ve intervened. “The language would have been, ‘I noticed so-and-so is treating you in this way, and I feel like you deserve better.’”

How Much Time Does This All Take?

You might be thinking at this point, I have a job, and a partner, and friends, and hobbies. How in the world am I going to make time for dating, and then talking about dating, on top of all of that? Some non-monogamous couples keep shared Google calendars or reserve one night a week for each other. Julia, who is in an open marriage with her husband, Matt, breaks down how they manage their week-to-week and what she’s had to give up to make room.

Matt and I have an agreement about how much time we can spend with another person weekly. Spending a whole evening out once a week, either Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday, is totally fine; usually, it’s after we have dinner with our young child, so from 7 p.m. till 1 a.m. And then we’re okay with each other sleeping over somewhere else once every two weeks.

Right now, I feel at capacity with one secondary partner and my husband. If my one secondary partner were way more casual, then maybe I could date two people. In order to keep my nuclear family my priority, the amount of time I put toward this other relationship has a maximum. I’d guess it takes up, or keeps me away from Matt, eight to 12 hours a week, depending on if I stay over at my partner’s or not.

I think I’ve ended up sacrificing my more introverted hobbies. So I’ve done less reading. The gardening and yard work and just a lot of home-improvement stuff I let go to the wayside. I’ve done less crafts. I think Matt has too. I know he’s put aside house projects because he needs time to go on dates. He used to do a lot more woodworking.

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Should We Tell Our Kids?

Some poly people prefer not to tell every single person in their lives — it simply seems unnecessary, or they don’t feel like explaining or receiving judgment. Others find it more challenging, logistically and emotionally, to keep it private. (What if someone spots you out and thinks you’re cheating? Or you need to tell work you’re leaving early to pick up your partner’s child?) Writer Molly Roden Winter explains how she navigated talking to her children about her and her husband’s open marriage.

My husband and I never planned to tell our children about our open marriage. But seven years after we took our first fumbling steps toward non-monogamy, I got off a plane to find a series of text messages from my then-13-year-old son, Daniel. “Mom,” he wrote, “are you and Dad in an open marriage?” My husband, Stewart, had left his OKCupid profile open on his laptop, and Daniel had seen it.

I found a spot against the wall of the Houston airport to call him. When Daniel picked up, I began by telling him how happy his father and I were, how we were always honest with each other. But Daniel’s main question surprised me. “I get that Dad has time for it,” he asked. “But when do you do it?” This question brought me relief: Like many mothers with a full-time job, I’d worried that I wasn’t spending enough time with my children, and using precious nonworking hours to go on dates made me feel particularly guilty. Here was proof that, in Daniel’s mind at least, I was around so often he couldn’t fathom my managing to be anywhere else.

Daniel, the eldest of my two boys, had always been eminently reasonable. As an infant, he cried only when he needed something, and in elementary school, Daniel’s teachers often commented on his extraordinary comfort level with adults and his ability to mediate conflicts among his peers. With him, I had always leaned toward honesty: I’d told him about my limited drug use as a teenager, my fraught relationships with eating and body image, and my family’s history of mental illness. But speaking to my son about my sex life felt far more difficult. “I don’t do it very often,” I lied.

Daniel seemed satisfied, but over the next few weeks, once I returned to Brooklyn, he was consumed with curiosity about my whereabouts. “Where are you going?” he asked. “Are you really going to see a friend? Are you sure you’re going to the gym?” Stewart, meanwhile, continued to come and go as he pleased. “Why doesn’t Daniel ask where you’re going?” I asked Stewart one night. “Why doesn’t anyone seem to care if fathers have sex, but every mother is supposed to be the goddamn Virgin Mary?” Stewart offered to speak to Daniel, who afterward apologized to me. “I’m sorry I’ve been asking where you’re going all the time,” he said. “I know it’s private.”

“It’s okay, honey,” I answered. “It’s just that I don’t think you actually want to know if I’m on a date. And sometimes I really am just going out with friends or to the gym.” Daniel nodded. He’d try not to ask, he said, “but if I do, can you just lie if you have a date?” He seemed to agree: My dishonesty was also in his best interest.

While Daniel had always been compliant and even-tempered, his younger brother, Nate, had a penchant for emotional extremes. At the end of our phone call in the Houston airport, I’d asked Daniel to put away his father’s laptop; while he may have been mature enough to handle the truth, I hoped to keep our open marriage hidden from his younger brother as long as possible. But four years after Daniel called me in Houston, I was in my bedroom when I heard a scream from downstairs. Nate burst in with Stewart’s old iPhone in his hand. “Mom!” he shouted. “Dad’s cheating on you!” He had found pictures of Stew with his girlfriend.

Rather than asking questions stoically and matter-of-factly, as Daniel had when he first discovered Stewart’s dating profile, Nate’s eyes were wide, his breathing rapid. “Are you getting a divorce?” he asked. No, I said. He asked me who the woman was. “You don’t need to know who,” I said. “The important thing is I know who she is, and Dad isn’t cheating on me. Cheating means you lie, and Dad and I always tell each other the truth.”

There I was, standing on the same line between boundaries and honesty, exactly where I’d stood with Daniel four years earlier. Yet what I’d learned from Daniel was only halfway applicable. While Daniel was a classic introvert — often cutting discussions short in order to process his feelings alone — Nate was more like me, an extrovert who preferred to talk through complex emotions. Tell Nate too much, and he’d be anxious. Tell him too little, and he’d fill in details with his own worst fears. I checked my mind and my gut for signs of the old shame, but it registered only as a weak flicker. Calmly, I told Nate that his father and I had an open marriage. “Should we FaceTime Dad at his office?” I asked. While Stewart and I had spoken to Daniel separately when he first found out, I’d come to understand the importance of presenting a united front. Stewart and I proceeded to tell Nate our beliefs about open marriage — our commitment to each other, the emphasis on honest communication, the affirmation of each other as our life partners of choice. There was one question Nate came back to over and over again. “Just promise me you guys still really love each other,” he said.

In the months after, additional questions arose. “Are you sleeping with my orthodontist?” he asked. “No,” I responded. “Non-monogamy doesn’t mean you sleep with everyone. And I would never get involved with someone you know.”

“Cool,” he said, relieved. Then, a few days later: “Do you and Dad still like having sex with each other?” I said “yes,” to which Nate replied, “Okay, okay. Don’t say anything more!” Over time, Nate’s questions became less frequent. Stewart and I had always been affectionate with each other in front of the kids, but now I often saw Nate peeking around corners when Stew and I hugged, or jumping between us happily when we held hands on weekend outings or family vacations. And if Stewart and I fought in front of the kids, we tried to make sure they bore witness to our reconciliation as well.

Daniel, who is now an adult, recently confessed that back when he was 13, he’d been more upset about the open marriage than he’d let on. Like Nate, he’d equated open marriage with infidelity, fearing that any arrangement outside the conventions of monogamy was verboten. Would his parents stay together? Would the foundation of our family crumble beneath his feet? “It’s okay, though, Mom,” he said, registering my panic. “I’m fine with it now.” What helped, he said, was that nothing actually did change: My and Stewart’s marriage remained strong. Plus, he said, he grew up. It is tempting to believe that the choices we parents make are helping to shape our kids into confident, secure adults, but our children, ultimately, will become who they will become — maybe thanks to us, maybe in spite of us, and maybe a little bit of both.

And What About My Co-workers?

Katie Coyne, the environmental officer for the city of Austin, suggests being casual about it.

I’m married, and we’ve been poly for about two years. I have a public-facing job. It’s really important for me to feel like I’m not hiding anything about myself or hiding people who are important to me. I have it sort of worked out now. With people I’m closer with, I’ll just slide it in casually. For instance, when I was dating someone who has kids, I was going to soccer games and doing some part-time co-parenting. So at a happy hour with my staff, when someone asked what I was doing over the weekend, I said, “I’m going to my partner’s kid’s soccer game.” He was like, “Oh, I didn’t know you and your wife had kids.” I said, “Oh, we don’t. It’s my partner; I’m polyamorous.” The only person I was afraid to tell was my boss because he’s pretty religious. But the day after another partner and I broke up, we had an all-day executive-team coaching retreat. At the end of the day we were going to happy hour, and I said to him, “Hey, most of the rest of the executive team knows this about me, but I wanted to tell you that I am upset because my girlfriend and I broke up last night. I’m polyamorous.” He didn’t know how to react, but he’s adapted. A few months ago, I even took a date to a fundraiser. One of the organizers was like, “Oh, is this your partner?” And I said “No, actually, we’re on a date!” And my boss was like, “Great to meet you.” Everyone’s kind of rolling with it.

What Can Go Wrong?

More people means more interpersonal dynamics — double or triple the giddiness, maybe, but also double or triple the jealousy, anxiety, abandonment, and painful breakups.

The hierarchy might shift.

For the first five years of our open relationship, Eva and I were each other’s primary relationship. Any outside relationships never got super-serious. I was under the impression that that would always be the case. Then, two years ago, Eva met this other person and they fell in love. She started spending more nights at his house, and the relationship developed to a stage where Eva was very emotionally involved. Now her other boyfriend and I are on an equal footing in terms of the importance in the relationship. We celebrated her birthday together this year. — Tomas

You might become a third wheel.

One time, we met a girl who showed interest primarily in Ethan but said she was also interested in me. We had her over for drinks, and when things carried into the bedroom, it was clear that the focus was really him. It was our first threesome. At one point, we were talking about what we all wanted. So I said to Ethan, “What do you want? I want you to have what you want.” And he said he wanted to fuck the other girl. Then they went off to do their thing and I wasn’t involved. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I left the house. —Emily

Your partner might date someone who wants you gone.

The first time that Blake fell in love with someone else, it felt clear to me that she hoped that she would win him over and that he would leave me for her. When I met her in person, it didn’t feel to me like, Oh, she’s not ready to meet me. It felt like, She’s bummed about me. She was sad. She did not want me in the picture. Since then, I’ve met other women Blake has been in love with and it’s been great. And I’m able to look back and say, “The vibes were really off.” —Paula

They might realize they’d rather be monogamous.

We met on OKCupid and had both set ourselves as non-monogamous. We’d both just gotten out of eight-year relationships. She and her ex had decided to be non-monogamous to try to save their relationship. Over the course of ours, she basically figured out a poly relationship was not really what she wanted. I was encouraging her to date. I thought over time she’d become more comfortable. But she didn’t. She’d get really anxious and have a lot of fear and jealousy when I was trying to date. She’d say, “Hey, please don’t do this. I’m not ready for it.” There was this sense that I was somehow hurting her, and she felt like she was cheating on me when she went on dates with other people. I felt constricted. And then there was the fact that we kind of wanted different things — like, she wanted to have a child very soon. Over time, once we realized this feeling wasn’t going away, we started talking about ending the relationship. We’d do this thing sometimes where we’d lie around and scroll through OKCupid and try to find people for each other. She came across this one guy’s profile one day, and I was like, “Oh my God, you have to, like, go out with him. He’s just like me except better for you than I am.” And she did, and she ended up married to him, and they had children soon after. —Nikhil

You might tire of your secondary status.

I was dating somebody — I’ll call him Michael. And he was in a primary relationship with Michelle.

At the time, they were making a lot of space for loving other people and inviting those lovers or boyfriends into their home and on vacations with them. I was their secondary. I was very connected to them, and I very much fell in love with Michael. Michael very much fell in love with me. I was supporting Michael while he prepared to propose to Michelle. But then I went through a really rough period. I needed more emotional support than he could give me. I was impulsive and broke up with him. I knew Michelle was consoling him for many months afterward. A few years later, Michelle reached out to me. She’d asked seven of his lovers and former lovers to come surprise him for his birthday. We tied him up and throttled him in complete silence. So it was ultimately a happy ending. —Sonya

They might leave you behind.

Seven years ago, I met this woman. I was mostly monogamous and single. She was very up front that she had a boyfriend and they were open. We started dating, and for those two years, I wasn’t dating multiple people — I just was dating her, and she really just wanted one female companion and him. The beginning of the end was when her and her boyfriend’s relationship started to become codified in traditions. He proposed to her, and it threw me. It made the balance beam that I was on feel uneven and one-sided. He invited me to the wedding, but she was like, “Uh, no.” She said she didn’t want to have to explain to her family who I was at the wedding. It felt like she chose him over me, like, “You’re not fully included.” I think I saw her one more time after the wedding, but it was just awkward. —M.J.

You two might drift apart.

A few years after my husband and I opened our marriage, I met this woman. We fell in love really, really fast. One morning, after she slept over, my husband said, “Seeing you this excited about someone else really freaks me out.” But I’d seen him happy with people over the years we’d been open, so he let me give it a shot. Eventually, he even suggested she move in. Now, I live in very separate worlds with them in the same house. He’s a very tidy person. She loves to play music, cook, be messy. He’s reserved; she loves to give attention. My husband and I haven’t had sex in over a year. We love each other, but our connectedness just doesn’t run as deep as mine and hers. —Caroline

Or it might just break your relationship.

>My partner and I started dating in college, and we stayed together after. She was always interested in alternative relationship modalities, and over the years she brought it up a couple of times. I’d be like, “Okay, that’s interesting. Let me think about it.” Eventually, when we moved cities, I was like, “Why don’t we give this a shot?” In the beginning, it felt really fun. Then she got more serious with someone and it became more difficult to talk about with each other. She was never anything but transparent about the facts. I would ask her what she was doing one day, and she’d say, “Oh, I’m seeing this person.” At one point, they started taking trips together, so I knew they were getting more serious.

I felt upset and wondered if I should be doing something similar. I started looking around more on Hinge and found somebody I had amazing chemistry with. Eventually, my feelings toward her and hers toward me grew so strong that I was like, I have to make a decision. It’s gotten out of hand, emotionally. The main relationship was suffering. Neither of us was putting the same attention into that that we were into the other relationships.

I ended up breaking things off with my partner. The conversation was consuming. I feel like I’ve never been so focused on something. I walked around the city for days and days thinking, What should I do? At one point, she asked, “Well, would you change your mind if I ended things with the other person?” I said, “Honestly, I don’t know. The cat’s kind of out of the bag.” And she said, “Well, honestly, I don’t know whether I’d be able to do it and hurt the other person in this way.” I don’t know if we’d have stayed together if we’d stayed closed. Or if it would have been the right decision to stay together. —Lucas

All names have been changed at the request of the subjects.

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What Is Sexual Performance Anxiety?

BY Carley Millhone

Sexual performance anxiety is a form of performance anxiety that causes intense fear or worry before or during sex. Many people feel nervous before having sex. However, if you feel so anxious about sexual expectations or body image that you can’t perform sexually, you may have sexual performance anxiety.1

Sexual performance anxiety can affect anyone, but it is more common in people in males. Eventually, sex-related anxiety can make it impossible to have sex with your partner and may eventually strain your relationship. Sexual performance anxiety can also lead to other sexual disorders, like erectile dysfunction.1

Fortunately, there are a few ways to address and get past sexual performance anxiety.

Like other forms of performance anxiety, sexual performance anxiety can affect you mentally and physically. People with sexual performance anxiety are so overwhelmed by sex-related worries, negative thoughts, or fears that they have trouble engaging in sexual activity. These negative thoughts or fears may happen before or during sex.1

As a result, you may be unable to maintain an erection, climax, or ejaculate. You can completely lose your desire to have sex. You may also experience physical symptoms of anxiety, like increased heart rate, upset stomach, and shaking.2

Sexual performance anxiety symptoms commonly found in males include:2

Symptoms of sexual performance anxiety in females may include:2

People can have different fears, experiences, and worries that can affect sexual performance. Potential causes of sexual performance anxiety include:13

  • Feeling worried about your partner’s sexual expectations or satisfaction
  • Feeling concerned about how masculine or feminine you come across during sex
  • Lacking self-esteem or having a negative body image
  • Being physically or emotionally unattracted to your partner
  • Feeling anxious about past negative sexual experiences
  • Feeling fear or anxiety related to sexual trauma

How exactly do stressful and anxious thoughts affect sexual performance? When you become stressed or anxious, your body kicks off its stress response by producing more of the stress hormone cortisol. When cortisol levels rise, levels of the sex hormone testosterone drop—decreasing your sex drive, or libido. In males, low testosterone is also linked to erectile dysfunction.4

People with substance use disorders, anxiety, and depression may also experience sexual dysfunction and disinterest that can lead to sexual performance anxiety. Medications used to treat anxiety and depression can also negatively affect libido and sexual performance.5

Lack of sex due to sexual performance anxiety can harm romantic relationships. Studies show couples who engage in higher rates of sexual activity build greater intimacy and have a lower divorce rate.6< Being unable to have sex or enjoy sex can make partners feel less connected and intimate. As a result, your partner may feel like you are avoiding intimacy because you do not desire or care for them. People with sexual performance anxiety may also start to feel cautious of their partners, which disrupts trust and intimacy.3< Identifying your triggers and finding ways to destress can often help you learn how to manage the negative thoughts and feelings affecting your sex life. Coping strategies include:2

  • Mindfulness meditation to better understand your thoughts and desires related to sex7
  • Yoga to help manage stress and improve the mind-body relationship as it relates to sex, which can also help manage premature ejaculation8
  • Masturbating to learn more about what you enjoy and feel during sex
  • Seeing a sex therapist to identify thoughts or feelings that lead to sexual performance anxiety.

Talking with your partner can also help you cope with sexual performance anxiety. Open communication can help partners better understand your feelings and struggles related to sex. Your partner may also offer valuable insight into the false, preconceived thoughts that prevent you from performing sexually—like your body image or performance concerns.2< Accepting sex isn’t perfect or spending more time focusing on foreplay can also help improve intimacy. Other ways you can help build intimacy without sex include:9

  • Cuddling
  • Kissing
  • Hugging
  • Holding hands
  • Spending quality time together

Reach out to a healthcare provider if your anxieties around sexual performance and dysfunction are affecting your relationships and quality of life. They can refer you to a licensed sex therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist for therapy services. You may also be able to contact these mental health professionals directly.

Some symptoms of sexual performance anxiety may also point to an underlying sexual dysfunction disorder.1 If you’re unable to perform sexually for a few months, see a healthcare provider to make sure you don’t have an underlying condition.

Sexual dysfunction symptoms that warrant a visit to your primary care provider, urologist, gynecologist, or OB-GYN include:1011

  • Premature ejaculation
  • Delayed ejaculation
  • Erectile dysfunction
  • Reduced or no interest in sex
  • Vaginal dryness
  • Pain during sex
  • Inability to orgasm

Sexual performance anxiety treatment often depends on the cause, and research on the overall success of these treatments is limited. However, treatment typically involves a combination of therapy and medication.2

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

Talking out your feelings with a therapist is a common approach to treating sexual performance anxiety. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a common talk therapy used to treat performance anxiety.12

CBT helps people learn to reframe negative thoughts around sex that make it difficult or impossible to perform. This helps build awareness of triggers while learning to actively dismantle and redirect them.2

Mindfulness sex therapy can also help people with sexual performance anxiety learn to understand their bodily sensations and become aware of how they react to sex. This type of therapy often incorporates CBT practices.2

Couples Therapy

Couples therapy helps people with sexual performance anxiety communicate their feelings with their partner and explore feelings that may affect sexual performance. This therapy focuses on the couple as a whole, not just the partner with sexual performance anxiety.2

This approach can help remove shame, fear, and miscommunication between couples. Couples therapy helps create an open dialogue related to sources of emotional distress or negativity while creating active solutions to solve them.2

Medication

Erective dysfunction medications like Viagra (sildenafil) and Cialis (tadalafil) may help males with sexual performance anxiety who are unable to maintain an erection. These medications increase blood flow to the penis to help keep an erection.13

Limited research shows anxiety medications like BuSpar (buspirone) and antidepressants like Wellbutrin (bupropion) and Desyrel (trazodone) can help reduce sexual performance anxiety. Unlike some anxiety drugs that decrease sexual function, these medications can affect brain chemistry in a way that may improve sexual arousal and sex drive.7

Sexual performance anxiety affects sexual performance before or during sex. If you have this type of performance anxiety, you may be unable to have sex, become aroused, or climax. Males with sexual performance anxiety often have issues with erectile dysfunction.

If you or your partner is experiencing sexual performance anxiety, having open communication and seeing a healthcare provider, like a licensed sex therapist, can help. Cognitive behavioral therapy, couples therapy, or medication may also help.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!