Category: Libido

Posted on

Interested In The Future Of Sex? Check Out This Report

By

With technology continually developing and changing how we live our lives, have you ever thought about how it will change human sexuality? FutureofSex.net, a publication site founded in 2011 dedicated to understanding the possibilities and implications of sexual evolution, has recently released a 25-page report about where our erotic future lies.

The report highlights the technology of today and what we can expect in the future of five major fields: remote sex, virtual sex, robots, immersive entertainment, and augmentation. “Technology is transforming every aspect of our lives, including our sexuality,” says leading futurist and publisher of FutureofSex.net Ross Dawson. “How we connect with our loved ones, the intimacy of our relationships with technology, and even our identities are swiftly moving into uncharted territory.”

The report makes nine surprising predictions about what changes our sex lives will experience and how these changes will help sexuality reach new elevations in the next few decades. “Sexual relationships are no longer limited to geographic space, and breakthroughs in the medical field are opening and re-opening erotic possibilities in the face of human biology,” says editor of FutureofSex.net Jenna Owsianik. “Research into making sex safer—and more pleasurable—has also gained significant financial support, paving the way for an exciting sexual future.”

Some of the predictions the report makes are pretty shocking, like the fact that one in ten young adults will have had sex with a humanoid robot by 2045, or that by 2024 people will be able to enact impossible fantasies in a photo-realistic world. These predictions may seem far-fetched, but thinking about the amount of technology we have today, those forecasts don’t seem that far off.

future-of-sex

If you want to have your mind blown, read the full report here.

Complete Article HERE!

Posted on

What Do Women Really Think About Sex?

12 Brutally Honest Dispatches From A Woman

By Mélanie Berliet

1. Sexual play doesn’t have to end in orgasm to be satisfying. Yes, we like climaxing. And we expect to get there most of the time. But we don’t experience what guys refer to as “blue balls”—we don’t have nuts that can be brought to the brink of busting and then abruptly deprived of fulfilling their orgasmic destiny—so there’s no reason to feel bad or subhuman or inadequate if you get off before we do. Don’t expect us to beg you to finish us off like you might want to be in the same situation. We’re just fine curling up and falling asleep, or getting on with our day.

2. If you whine too much about your inability to make us orgasm once in a while even after we explain that sex can be pleasurable regardless, we are bound to start faking orgasms regularly. Faking an orgasm is called for on occasion, but we like to think of it as a last resort since it’s counterproductive to achieving future gratification by way of rewarding ineffective tactics. We don’t want to fake it more than we absolutely have to (for your good, and ours), so don’t make us.

3. We respect and appreciate your willingness to service us 99.9% of the time we want to get busy, but you can’t expect the same from us. We’re biologically programmed and societally conditioned to be more cautious about sex in general because we bear 100% of the physiological burden of getting pregnant and we’re the ones dealing with all the slut shaming. Please do not cite your “accommodating nature” as the reason why you should be able to select from a menu of on-demand sexual services at any time. If you avoid making this argument, we’re far more likely to have sex with you even when we don’t want to.

4. You might think we’re in the mood a lot less often than you are, but the fact is that we function differently. For a lot of women, desire doesn’t necessarily precede arousal. We need to be touched, caressed, and loved in order to crave sex. So instead of whining about how horny you are and how unlikely it seems that you’ll get laid that night because we’re a bit mopey or whatever, sneak up behind us and start rubbing our shoulders and work your way down to our waist, or go in for a boob grab. The key is physical contact, so touch us!

4. Foreplay doesn’t start twenty minutes before penetration. It is an all-day, every day phenomenon. If you want to increase the chances that we’ll mount you on any given night, tell us we’re sexy in the morning as we’re getting ready for work, or send us a text midday just to say you’re thinking about the way our ass looks when we shake it for you.

5. Tell us we’re beautiful without exaggerating. We know we don’t look like Gisele naked, so don’t make outrageous claims about how hot we are. Ridiculous compliments come across as insincere, so they’re ineffectual. We’d rather be appreciated for the way we look, flaws and all. Tell us what turns you on about us specifically, whether it’s something we’ve done or something we’re wearing, and avoid comparing us to other women at all costs. Start with “I love the way your…” or “I love it when you…”

6. We want to get weird with you. Don’t assume you’re special for having so many depraved thoughts. We can get there too, so clue us in to your innermost desires. The more comfortable you are with your sexual aspirations and the more you communicate them openly and honestly, the more likely we are to accompany you on your dirty journey.

7. We won’t necessarily think you’re a misogynistic prick if you want to objectify us in bed. Some of us actually want to be overpowered and/or objectified—as long as the bedroom objectification doesn’t seep into other aspects of our lives together. One of the staunchest feminists I know loves shouting, “I’m a cock hungry slut!” during sex. We’re totally capable of separating what happens during sex from the rest of our waking lives, so give us some credit and tell us what you want before dismissing the possibilities out there.

8. We want you to worship our vaginas just as much as you ache for us to build penis shrines. When you act like you’re eager to go down on us it means a lot, and your visible enthusiasm makes us a lot more psyched to reciprocate the favor. While you’re down there, tell us you love the way our vagina looks, smells, and tastes.

10. We’re aware that the reptilian part of your brain leads you to picture most of the hot young women you encounter naked. Keep this to yourself, no matter how much we claim to trust that you won’t act on those urges, or how often we assure you that we can handle hearing about them. We don’t need to be reminded that your natural instinct is to try to impregnate every hot breathing biped of the opposite sex. It does not make us feel great, plain and simple.

11. At a certain point, every woman realizes that there’s a serious downside to sleeping with hot guys, so stop feeling intimidated by them. The men who’ve gotten laid all their lives without putting much effort into luring a lady into bed pale in comparison to those who’ve had to work for it over the years. We would much rather have sex with a man who knows what he’s doing than an inexperienced Lothario who thinks a clitoris and a g-spot are synonymous.

12. Good-looking guys are nice to look at, but good looks won’t hold our interest for more than a few minutes, anyway. Your face and body are side dishes. The main course is how well you’re able to engage us—to make us feel like we’re the center of your universe, if only for a short stint—which requires self-awareness and self-confidence. We’ll swoon over how you hold yourself, walk, and talk—not how closely you resemble Brad Pitt.

Complete Article HERE!

Posted on

Are you getting any closer? A pocket-sized primer on female sexuality

By Clarissa Fortin

Stay curious between the sheets, friends.

Closer: Notes from the Orgasmic Frontier of Female Sexuality
by Sarah Barmak
(Coach House Books, 2016; $14.95)

If it weren’t for Sarah Barmak’s Closer: Notes from the Orgasmic Frontier of Female Sexuality I might have gone for years of my life without ever finding out what my clitoris actually looks like.

“Illustrations of it resemble a swan with an arched neck,” Barmak writes. “When I saw an closerillustration of the clitoris’s true shape for the first time I felt like a blind man finally seeing a whole elephant when all he’s ever known was the tip of it’s trunk.” I realized while reading those sentences that no one in my Catholic high school health class ever bothered to show me such an image and I’d never thought to seek one out.

I consider myself a feminist and a sexually liberated woman. Yet, there are still surprising gaps in my understanding of my own body. And that’s why a book like Barmak’s is important. Closer tackles its subject with eloquence, intelligence and humour.

The book is split into five essays that tackle the “fear of pleasure,” the history of female sexuality, the science and psychology of the orgasm, the “female sexual underground” and the politics of acknowledging female desire.

While each essay has its own strengths, I think the most effective chapter is “A History of Forgetting.” This section aligns the historical “discovery” and “loss” of the clitoris with the individual experience of a woman named Vanessa — an actual interview subject.

We first meet Vanessa on the table at the doctor’s office filming herself masturbating in order to prove to the doctor that she can indeed ejaculate. We learn that Vanessa has been having a series of problems — pain after sex, recurring yeast infections and so on — that no doctors can figure out.

From here Barmak momentarily leaves Vanessa’s story behind and turns her attention to the clitoris itself, noting that “the mapping of the human genome was completed in 2003, years before we got around to doing an ultrasound on the ordinary human clit.”

While the tendency is to see history as ever moving forward and progressing, Barmak counters that “women’s sexuality began by being celebrated, then was feared as too potent, before being downplayed and denied in the scientific era.”

The Christian church, the scientific revolution and various other factors resulted in a demonization and rejection of female bodies. It’s a generalized historical account to be sure, but Barmak does point readers in the direction of Naomi Wolf’s Vagina, a much more comprehensive book on the subject.

What makes this essay so powerful is the way it revisits and concludes with Vanessa and her struggle. Her story held up against the larger history of the clitoris itself demonstrates all too well an overall contempt for and neglect of the female genitalia.

Along with research and anecdotes, Barmak amasses a diverse collection of interviews with doctors, researchers and sex educators. I was excited to learn many factoids that I will surely whip out at dinner parties in the future — for instance, vaginal self stimulation actually blocks pain in women, and even women who are paralysed can sometimes still feel sexual pleasure because of nerves which bypass the spinal cord and communicate directly with the brain!

Barmak combines this research and traditional journalistic writing with first-person narration, bringing her own experience into the story. This means attending seminars and workshops, watching a demonstration of a female orgasm at Burning Man, and getting a vaginal massage.

Barmak is open about her own skepticism and trepidation during these investigations. “I like to consider myself open to new things,” she writes. “Yet, the idea of a strange lady’s gloved fingers all up in my jade palace falls somewhat outside my personal boundaries.” She goes through with it and the personal account makes for a richer narrative overall.

A note about the term “woman”: Barmak uses it throughout the book to generally refer to the cisgendered female experience. If I have any strong critique of the book it is that by celebrating the distinctly female anatomy, the book sometimes verges on unintentionally emphasizing a gender binary. This is something Barmak herself seems aware of. She notes on pg. 21 that “the word woman can refer equally to cisgender, intersex, genderqueer and transgender women all representing varied shades of experience.” While it’s good that the acknowledgement is there, I think a declaration like this belongs even earlier on as a note for readers to keep in mind before the book even begins.

That said, Barmak does make an effort to include the experiences of typically marginalized women such as trans women and women of colour in her narrative. “Being white affords privileges even in non-mainstream spaces of revolt such as sexuality,” she notes.

The topic is something “that requires far more depth and attention than this little book can offer,” Barmak says and while this seems like a partial cop-out for having only a few pages devoted to women of colour and trans women specifically, Barmak makes a valid point. Issues regarding sexuality faced by marginalized women warrant entire books altogether, preferably penned by a writer who has lived those experiences.

Nevertheless, I think this book would have been more complete with a sixth section devoted specifically to these issues.

At its core this book is compassionately optimistic, celebrating the innate complexity of sexual pleasure itself and arguing in favor of orgasms for all, something I can definitely get behind.

Sex educator and vlogger Lindsay Doe has a motto she repeats at the end of each of her videos: “stay curious.” Closer isn’t the definitive book about female sexuality and it doesn’t claim to be. But it made me curious about my own body, and even more curious about the wonderfully vast array of experiences we humans have between the sheets.

I recommend it to my friends of all genders, my boyfriend, my sisters, and especially the woman who started it all, my mother.

Complete Article HERE!

Posted on

10 Reasons Why Women Lose Their Libido

Ladies, libido means sexual desire. Women having decreased libido is one of the most common complaints I hear in the office, especially for those stressed out supermoms. Trust me – you’re not alone, ladies. It is estimated that more than 40% of women experience some sort of sexual dysfunction in their lifetime. Here’s why, and what you can do about it.

Dried Rose On Old Vintage Wood Plates

Female sexual dysfunction can include problems with desire, arousal, achieving orgasm and sexual pain that causes significant distress in your life. More specifically, decreased libido is when you don’t want to engage in any type of sexual activity, including masturbation, and you don’t want to have any sexual thoughts or fantasies. Sound like someone you know? Let’s review some reasons why you may not want to have sex with your significant other:

1. Bad Relationship.

Fighting with your partner is an easy way to kill your sex drive. When you are angry or hurt, sex is the last thing on your mind. Fix your relationship — go to couples’ therapy.

2. Stress.

It doesn’t matter where the stress comes from, all of it can cause your libido to drop. It doesn’t matter if you’re stressed out from financial problems, from trying to get pregnant, or from worrying about your job – it all negatively impacts your libido. Stress can also lead to you being fatigued, which worsens the problem. Find ways to chill out ladies – I mediate daily to deal with stress, and that might work for you, too.

3. Alcohol and Smoking.

Both of these drugs have been shown to decrease sexual desire and satisfaction. While alcohol in moderation is okay, when you binge drink, sexual dysfunction starts to occur. On the other hand, any kind of smoking is bad – just quit!

Easier said than done, right? You have to know why you are smoking. Substitute that why with something else. For example, if you smoke because you are bored, instead of lighting up go to the gym.

4. Mental Illness.

Mental conditions such as depression and anxiety can also cause your libido to drop. Talk to your doctor and get treated. Sometimes medications used to treat these conditions can also cause a drop in libido – but not every medication does, so talk to your doctor.

crying girl

5. Birth Control.

Hormonal birth has been shown to decrease testosterone in your body, which could lead to a lowered libido. This is because testosterone is one of the hormones that makes you horny.

Other medications such as antidepressants, anti-seizure meds, opioids, medical marijuana, antihistamines, and hypertensive medications can also decrease your sexual desire. Talk to your doctor about switching your medications if you think any are giving you a problem. Your healthcare provider can also potentially switch you to a non-hormonal birth control option, like the Paragard IUD.

6. Trauma in your Past.

Negative sexual experiences in the past can cause issues with decreased libido. Women who were raped or have been victims of domestic violence may, understandably, have issues here. Going to therapy to work through your pain can help.

7. Poor Body Image.

In a world full of fake butts and boobs, it isn’t hard to image women struggling with their body image. Not thinking you are sexy enough can cause your sex drive to plummet. If you don’t like something about yourself, change it – in a healthy way, of course. Eat clean, drink water and exercise – though, keep in mind that a lot of times this is something that you have to work out in therapy.

8. Medical Conditions.

Medical illnesses such as diabetes, hypertension, thyroid disease, congestive heart failure, or cancer can all affect libido. They can alter hormones that have an impact on your sex drive. Proper treatment of the underlying disease can often improve libido.

9. Pregnancy and Breastfeeding.

Hormones fluctuate during pregnancy and breastfeeding, which can decrease your sex drive. Being pregnant can cause you to be tired and not feel sexy, which certainly doesn’t help your libido! Do your best to focus on intimacy with your partner — also, when you have the baby, get help. Let those grandparents help out with babysitting!

10. Aging.

In menopause, estrogen levels drop drastically because the ovaries aren’t working anymore. Low estrogen causes, among other things, a dry vagina, which makes sex painful. This can lead to decreased sexual desire. Arthritis in the aging population can make having sex less fun. When vaginal dryness makes sex uncomfortable, use lubricants (try a free sample of Astroglide Liquid or Astroglide Gel, which temporarily relieve dryness during intercourse). Some women find using vaginal estrogen also helps.

Complete Article HERE!

Posted on

Shape Up Or Ship Out

Name: Bill
Gender: Male
Age: 51
Location: Knoxville, TN
I was listening to one of your Q&A podcasts recently. In it you responded to several women who were in relationships with men they liked (or even loved) but who didn’t sexually satisfy them. Your advice was for the women to tell their men to essentially “shape up or ship out.” Even considering the reasoning you gave in the podcast, is this really the best advice? I’ve heard similar advice from other “sex positive” commentators, which makes it seem that “sex positive” is a synonym for “relationship negative.” It didn’t appear as if any of the women involved were looking for a way out of their relationship, just a way to improve the sexual aspect — and it’s not entirely clear how the approach you suggested would do that. If the men didn’t have performance anxiety, a blunt discussion would almost certainly provoke it. If I remember correctly, one of the women was about my age — early 50s. Surely you must know the ever-increasing difficulty women have finding a happy relationship as they get older, and that a woman must know how lucky she is just to be with a man she likes, even if the sex could be better. Besides, there are probably very few women these days who need to be told they can leave a relationship if they choose. If the women’s sexual complaint had seemed to be just the tip of an iceberg of unhappiness, I could see the efficacy of your advice — but that’s not how their queries came across.

Listen Bill, I stand by my advice. And yes, I think it was the best advice I could give these two women. And ya know why I say that? I say that because had it been a couple of men writing in about the same concern, I would have given them the very same advice. If you are unhappy in your relationship because the sex has dried up then that’s a pretty serious concern in my book.

shape-up-or-ship-outBeing sex positive is not being relationship negative. But, settling for the lowest common denominator in terms of sexual expression is. Here’s another thing I know for certain, by the time someone makes an appointment to see me or writes to me about their sexual complaint, I can be pretty certain that they’ve struggled with it on their own for a long time. This is particularly true for women.

I also want to take issue with your statement: “Surely you must know the ever increasing difficulty women have finding a happy relationship as they get older, and that a woman must know how lucky she is just to be with a man she likes, even if the sex could be better.” So you’re sayin’ older women can just kiss their sexual needs goodbye after they reach a certain age, because the relationship they have is as good as it gets? Is that what you’re sayin? Because, if it is, it’s hogwash! Women of any age don’t need a man to be happy or fulfilled and they certainly don’t need one who to tell them to suck it up and settle for what ya got.

Besides, if I remember my advice correctly, and I think I do, I suggested that my correspondent give her husband the right if first refusal. That means she offers her old man her sexual energy first. If he doesn’t rise to the occasion, so to speak, she’s free to take her sexual energy elsewhere. This strategy takes the pressure off the sexually uninterested partner, it can overcome the disparity in libido between the couple, as well as saving the relationship. No need to throw out the baby with the bathwater, right?

To my mind we do too much “settling for” as it is. Complacency is the real enemy. You got issues in your relationship; hash them out. If your partner won’t join you in that effort he/she is telling you that your needs don’t matter. And when that occurs, regardless of what else you may have in place, your relationship is in its death throws. And you can bank on that!

Good luck

Posted on

Holier Than Thou

Name: Jean
Gender:
Age: 36
Location: New Haven, CT
I’ve been with the same man for 14 years. We both decided to become Christians about a year ago. Now he’s not interested in sharing the same bed and not interested in having sex with me. It tried to overlook this hoping it was some kind of phase, but it goes on and on and he still doesn’t want sex. He’s the only man that could ever satisfy me sexually. I dated a few guys, four to be exact, before we met. I still love this guy but he won’t acknowledge my feelings. I feel like I’m losing everything, my best friend, my partner, my lover …and my sanity. I’m happy we’re still together, but I’m frustrated to the point of exhaustion without my sex life. Any ideas what I could do to turn this around?

What an unhappy tale of woe you have you have to tell, Jean. The Christian conversion thing didn’t quite work out like ya thought, huh? Well maybe it has less to do with Christianity per se, and more to do with the Joe who converted with you.

I’ve heard similar complaints from other people whose partners have decided, unilaterally, to make a radical life-change for themselves. Often these new zealots fail to appreciate how their life altering decisions impact on the wellbeing of those around them. And because they are so damn single-minded about their new passion — as every zealot is, there is rarely any talking to them.holier-than-thou

Two former clients come to mind. First, there was George, a gay man in a 10-year relationship with this other really sweet guy, Robert. Eight years into the relationship Robert had a heart attack. Despite a full recovery and living a much healthier lifestyle after the hear attack, Robert got it in his head that if he were to have sex again, it would kill him. There was no reasoning with him. No sex ever again, period. This otherwise blessed relationship ended painfully. Pity that!

Another client, Melissa, discovered long-distance running two years into her marriage to Allen. She became like a woman possessed. Running consumed her. Her career, her friends and family, her social life all suffered. But no one took the brunt of her newfound craze more than her husband. At first sex was out of the question because there was no time. Then all that body-punishing running radically changed her entire metabolism. She even stopped menstruating. Her libido virtually expired. Even the imminent demise of her relationship didn’t alter her running routine. So basically Melissa just ran away from her marriage. Simple as all that!

In your case, Jean, your partner appears to have bought into the some of the worst sex-negative messages of Christianity. I suspect that there’s no turning this around and, unless you wish to continue to sacrifice your sexuality on this unworthy altar, I’d suggest you make peace with the fact that life will never return to how it once was.

And what’s all this about he being the only man who could satisfy you? You’ve had only 4 other partners, for christ sake! And most if not all were crummy lovers, right? Are you the kind of gal that quits shopping for shoes after trying on only 5 pair? I think not!

There is a whole world of men out there that would be happily give you what you aren’t getting at home and some of them may even be good lovers. If no accommodation can be made with your husband about fulfilling your needs than I suggest you beat a hasty exit.

The longer you stay in this unhealthy environment the greater the chance will be that you will become more and more embittered. God gave us the gift of sexuality for a purpose. It was meant to give us pleasure and enhance life. Your sexuality is in danger of becoming just the opposite of what nature intended. Do yourself a favor and choose life and happiness. You’ll be glad you did…so will God.

Good luck

Posted on

Can’t Give It Away

Name: Dave
Gender: male
Age: 40
Location: Wisconsin
I have a boyfriend that I love very much. We have been together for over 6 years and we care for one another very much. The problem is that we never have sex. The last time was probably two years ago and that time he just took care of me and that was it. I haven’t seen him climax in years. I asked him if there’s a problem with me and he says no. I know he still has a sex drive because I’ve caught him masturbating once. When I bring up the subject he says he knows we need to work on it but that’s as far as it goes. I know he’s not cheating, but I can’t say the same about myself. Should I feel guilty for seeking sex outside our relationship without his permission? In the past I’ve felt horrible about this, but my frustration is overriding my guilt. But it still bothers me because I am not being the moral person I was raised to be. I’ve asked him about opening our relationship, but he doesn’t like that idea either. What am I supposed to do?

Sad to say there’s not much a couple can do to either beef up a sex drive or cool one down, when one or the other partner has no will to do so. And I would say that if you guys have been living successfully like this for four years, there’s little chance of turning this around. I understand your frustration about the sex thing, but I also hear you say that everything else is pretty OK.

So let me ask, is the sex thing with your partner so important that you want to risk upsetting the whole apple cart?oh-oh

If, as you say, you are feeling guilty about going outside your relationship to find the sexual satisfaction you need and want, then it is high time for you to have a chat with your partner and pound out some new relationship perimeters. The tension you are experiencing between your sexual desires and your moral compass is a real good thing. It ought not be denied. But like I always say, these can be very difficult negotiations to hammer out. However, not to try to come to some kind of accommodation to insure the sexual health and wellbeing of both is, I believe, a form of sexual abuse.

You might consider the upfront approach:  “Honey, I can’t live without sex.  You and I haven’t been sexual together for ages.  I can no longer abide the status quo.  Here’s what I propose. You are my partner; I love you very much.  I will always bring you the gift of my sexuality first.  And I give you the right of first refusal.  If you’re not interested, I will honor that and not pester you for what I need and desire.  However, if that’s the case, I intend to look for what I need elsewhere. Living without partnered sex is no longer an option for me.”

The important thing here is, regardless how you approach the subject, there’s no need to sink to the lowest common denominator.

But, for the sake of argument, let’s just say that your hubby is still interested in sex, maybe even sex with you.  Perhaps you could be asking yourself; is the sex you have with your partner is just boring? And you’re misinterpreting his boredom as disinterest? You say he masturbates. What’s in his mind (or on the computer) when he does? Would you even know? Ever thought of asking? Maybe he’s just too self-conscious to come right out with it and ask for what he wants from you. Is there any way you could entice him back to bed with a little spice? Would he respond to some porn, or toys, or even a three-way?

Maybe it’s just as well there’s no sex in your relationship, you seem to be getting along very well otherwise. But only a frank and open discussion with your man is gonna shed the necessary light on this situation.

See Dave, you have lots of options. It’s time to be creative, like the fabulous homo you are.

Good Luck!

Posted on

Never too old

Hey sex fans!

Before we get to today’s Q&A, I have two announcements. First, allow me to introduce you to my new Tumblr site: SEx AdViCe wITH An EDGe. It’s deliciously smutty, don’t cha know. Second, podcasts will resume this coming Monday with a remarkable guest, erotic filmmaker, Kyle Henry.

Alrighty, now to my correspondent.

Name: Macwinhar
Gender: Male (I’m gonna guess)
Age:
Location:
DR. DICK, We have been together almost 25 years. I feel like we need to spice it up. He has had some health issues with knee replacements. He feels he is not a good top any longer. But for me is, that is not the issue. It is not about the topping as is about the intimacy. I am not sure what to do? HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sexual boredom often sets in to long-term relationships. And the health issues that accompany the aging process can also throw a wrench in the sexual works, so to speak. These challenges can either be an opportunity for some creative problem solving or they can completely extinguish sexual interest all together.andropause3

I’m disappointed in you, sir! You suggest in your message that butt fuckin’ is the only sexual expression open to you fellas. Surely, you can be a bit more resourceful than that. Have you taken the time to check in with your partner lately to inquire about his sexual needs and desires? If not, I suggest you begin the rehabilitation of your sexual mojo there.

Let me ask you a few pointed questions. Could you guys invite a third party to join you as a periodic sexual playmate? Ya know what they say; “Twosies beat onesies, but nothing be threes.”

How about a little role-playing, a new sex toy, or something kinky, maybe some BDSM perhaps. It’s easy to lose interest in sex when the play is boring, repetitive and ho-hum.

Here’s what I want you guys to do, and I do mean both of you. I want you to mozie on over to my online sex emporium and pick out something new and interesting. Look for the MY STOCKROOM banner in the sidebar for access to this great resource. I want you to pick something for him and I want him to pick something for you.

sexy daddiesI’ve put together a dazzling array of products that will liven up even the most humdrum sex life. Pay particular attention to the COUPLES section of My Stockroom. You’ll find loads of interesting things for couples of every stripe.

Still not sure what to buy? Take a look at my ever so popular adult product review site, Dr Dick’s Sex Toy Reviews.

There are several sex manuals available in MY STOCKROOM, and even more elsewhere online. You could consult one of them for ideas if you can’t tap into your own god-given queer creativity.

Just in case this hasn’t crossed your mind, us men folk go through physiological and hormonal changes in midlife, just like women do. There’s even a name for it — andropause — the male menopause as it were. http://www.drdicksextoyreviews.com/ As we age, both women and men need more time and stimulation to get aroused. So keep that in mind as you shop for your new sexual accessories. Look for things that will enhance and extend the arousal phase of sex play.sexy daddies 02

Increased focus on sensuality, intimacy, and communication will help a sexual relationship stay rich and rewarding even well into one’s senior years. If you’re not talking to you partner about the issues as they arise; you are missing an opportunity to course-correct at the most beneficial time, while the issue is front and center. Need some help communicating? Why not connect with a sex-positive therapist in your area for a little refresher course.

If your old man is avoiding butt fucking because of his knees, you guys might consider trying a new position, one that won’t involve him being on his knees. Look for my tutorial on sex positions: Basic Sexual Positions For One And All! And if that don’t solve your problem, there are still many ways of expressing his ardor that don’t involve his knees. How about some sensual massage, erotic bondage, or some good old-fashioned mutual masturbation with a swell new sex toy like the Fleshlight?

Remember sex oughta be an adventure even for an old “married” couple like you guys. If you don’t take all the opportunities to make things adventurous as they present themselves, you will find that these opportunities will simply vanish. And you’ll be shit out of luck then, darlin’.

Good Luck

Hey dr dick! What’s that toll-free podcast voicemail telephone number? Why, it’s: (866) 422-5680. DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Posted on

The Last Day of April Q&A Show — Podcast #330 — 04/30/12

[Look for the podcast play button below.]

Hey sex fans,

I have a delectable Q&A show in store for you today to close out the month of April. We will be hearing a bunch of very interesting questions from the sexually worrisome, each will surely amaze and entertain. There’s a distinct religious overtone to some of these questions and there’s also more than a hint of desperation. Oh how I feel their pain.

  • Brian calls in while he’s jerkin’ off.
  • Nick calls in to tell us about his massive ass toys.
  • Richie is troubled by what the Church told him about being gay.
  • Lyn has been around the block a time or ten, her new BF is a virgin.
  • Hamlet is so stressed out he can’t keep his hardon.
  • Éric is wasting his money trying to grow himself a bigger dick. I suggest that he take a look at this POSTING.
  • Dan isn’t even through puberty yet and he’s worried about the size of his willie. I suggest he take a look at this VIDEO.

 

Today’s podcast is bought to you by: Dr Dick’s Sex Advice and Dr Dick’s Sex Toy Review.

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously, or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Posted on

Libido Disparity, A Common Problem

Name: Chris
Gender: male
Age: 29
Location:
I’m 29 and I’ve been married for the last 3 years. I was seeing my wife for 5 years prior to being married so I guess it’s been a total of 8 years that we’ve been together. When we first got together everything was great the sex was outstanding ya know 69 all types of positions tons of oral, tons of foreplay and she had an orgasm every time. It seems that just in the last couple of years everything has dwindled away to the point where it’s her on top for a little bit, me on top for a little bit till I finish then we go back to the living room and hang out. Whenever I bring up the subject she gets very uncomfortable and won’t talk about it. And it’s really starting to freak me out in every aspect of our relationship. I love the girl, so I don’t want to go anywhere. I’m wondering if there’s any hope to get things back to the way they used to be that fresh hotness and spontaneity. How can I bring the heat back?

Like I always say, If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard this same complaint from a frustrated and desperate man or woman trapped in an undersexed marriage, I’d have enough money to lay down my keyboard, give up my status as the most fabulous and revered sexpert in the universe and retire to Maui.

Despite the frequency of the grievance, it still breaks my heart to hear the despair. I mean it’s one thing to have the sexual connection between partners drift away by mutual consent. It’s another thing all together to have one partner dissolve the sexual connection unilaterally while leaving the other partner bewildered and disoriented.

And what gives with a partner who refuses to talk about why the sex has taken a nosedive? That is so wrong. I can understand not knowing exactly what to say about things goin’ south, or even how to say what may be on your mind, but to clam up all together, that’s just unfair. Suppose the problem had to do with finances instead of sex. What if one of you decided to start splurging on major purchases without consulting the other? There’d be hell to pay then, huh? There’d be no duckin’ out of the responsibility by clamin’ up in this instance, I’ll bet. But when it comes to sex, somehow the same rules for accountability don’t always apply. Why is that?

Sexuality is both a personal expression and a means of bonding with another. Thus sexual wellbeing in a relationship is way more than just the old in and out. It means taking responsibility for one’s eroticism as an integral part of relationship. Sex is a way of expressing one’s self as well as our love for the other. The confusion, unhappiness and anxiety that results from the breakdown of this fundamental tenet will, as you suggest Chris, spill over into and contaminate other areas of the relationship. But it doesn’t need to happen.

When I encounter this predicament in my counseling practice, I always build in some individual time with each partner even though the couple is there for “couples counseling.” I often get a much better sense of what’s causing the breakdown in these private sessions than I do when the couple and I work together as a threesome. Sometimes it’s easier for the individual to talk to me privately than to be open, honest and forthcoming about his/her feelings with his/her partner sitting right there.

My experience tells me that more often than not, a refusal to discuss sexual concerns has more to do with not knowing how to express oneself without hurting the feelings of the other. Sometimes an individual simply doesn’t know herself why things are different than they once were. Sometimes there are lifestyle issues at play — family concerns, work concerns, lack of sleep, drugs and alcohol consumption, etc. Sometimes there are medical and psychological issues that impact on a person’s libido — weight gain, birth control, other pharmaceutical drugs, diabetes and depression to mention a few.

There’s also something we in the business call: “desire discrepancy disorder,” which is just a fancy-schmancy way of saying one partner has a stronger libido then the other. But often the simplest and most ordinary explanation is that the partnered sex has become stale, rote and boring.

Whatever the cause of the imbalance, it needs to be addressed as a couple. Once the couple has identified the problem the next step is learning how to talk about it in an effective yet non-threatening way. This can be tricky, to say the least. But it is still so much easier than trying to avoid the issue all together.

Ok, so your wife is reluctant to discuss the matter with you, Chris. That just means you’re gonna have to be proactive in bringing this issue to a head. And I’m not suggesting that you browbeat your wife about her unwillingness to talk about the issue. It’s gonna be all about you leading by example. Here’s what I suggest. Set up a time for you and your wife to have a sit-down. This needs to be scheduled in advance so that both of you know it’s coming. There ought be no surprises. This conference should not immediately follow sex, especially disappointing sex. Set aside at least 30 minutes when you guys are fresh and relaxed and then start preparing what you want to say. Take notes if necessary.

When the time comes for the sit down, I encourage you to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. Begin by laying out how you feel and owing your feelings. “I feel confused. I feel frustrated. I feel that our relationship is in jeopardy.” Stay away from statements like “you make me feel…blah, blah, blah. These kinds of pronouncements will only muddy the waters. Then I suggest that you invite your wife to do the same. If she can’t, or won’t, move on to what steps you will take to get to the bottom of this. Something like, “I don’t want to continue the status quo. I’ve decided that I am going to seek some professional help for this. Maybe there’s something I’m missing. I can’t get to the bottom of this on my own, so maybe a sex therapist will help me understand what’s going on.” Again, invite her to join you in this effort. If she refuses or stalls out, move on to closing the discussion. You might say something like, “thank you for hearing me out on this. I don’t mean to put you on the spot, but I think our relationship is worth the effort to preserve it. And I’m actually gonna do something to make sure that we stay together. My invitation to you to join me in this effort will remain open.” End of discussion!

Of course, if you take this route, you will have to follow through on your commitment. If you don’t you will sabotage the whole damn thing, which will only make matters considerably worse. I encourage you to find a sex-positive therapist to work with. A good resource for this is The American College of Sexologists. Visit the directory page on their website. You will find listings for certified sexologists and sex therapists all over the world. If there is no one near you, contact the person closest to you and ask for a referral. Often my fellow ACS therapists and sexologists are very well connected to the broader sex-positive communities in their area.

You may also wish to consult me, even if you’re not here in Seattle. Check out the Therapy Available link in the header of my site for all the information you’ll need to make an enlightened decision about working with me.

Whatever you do, don’t settle for the path of least resistance. Your leadership might be just the thing your wife is looking for to muster her own strength to face the facts. Either way, the problem you are facing will not go away simply by ignoring it. Disappointments will become resentments and resentments will inevitably lead to acting-out and that will surely fuck things up royally.

Good luck

Posted on

First Time, Every Time

Name: Julie
Gender: Female
Age: 26
Location: Kentucky
I am a virgin. I am also just asking. How do I keep my first time from hurting? Some say lubrication in excess, but I am very small.

Yep, lots of lube is important — first time and every time.

But there is so much more you can do to prepare yourself for your first fuck. Begin by knowing your body and your sexual response cycle.

Is it safe to assume, even though you are a virgin to full-on fucking, that you are familiar with masturbation? If not, darling, that’s where you should start. If you enjoy pleasuring your body to orgasm, you will likely know the kind of stimulation you need to achieve full arousal. This is precisely the information you will want to pass on to your partner before the first fuck-fest begins as well as throughout the event.

The more you know about your body and the mysteries of your particular sexual response cycle the smoother things will go for you and your partner. Nowadays there is absolutely no need for anyone to come to their first partnered sexual encounter uninformed about sex in general and his or her sexuality in particular.

There are three main reasons why a women might experience pain during fucking — for the first time or anytime: 1) She is inexperienced. 2) Her partner is inexperienced or doesn’t know the first thing about mutual pleasuring, 3) She is not fully aroused. Right away you can see how a familiarity with your body in general and your pussy in particular will short-circuit at least two of the three main reasons right away. And while you can’t account for the sexual prowess of your partner, you will be able to direct him/her on how to touch and make love to you. And that, my dear, takes care of the third main reason.

One other thing, a lot of women don’t relax during sex…thus discomfort…because they worry about becoming pregnant. If you’re not well versed on the main methods of contraception and actually using one of them, you’re not ready to have sex. And one other thing, sexually transmitted infections ought to be a concern for both you and your partner. Don’t be a fuck-up; make sure your partner always uses a condom.

Name: Rocket Man
Gender:
Age: 31
Location: Nashville
Big Dr. Dick, Between busy work schedules, traveling and such, I haven’t had much time for sex. It was actually about a 5-week span without sex or masturbation. When my wife and I finally got together I was built up big time. I knew my response would be quick and my load would likely triple its normal oozeage. Being that it had been so long, there was not much foreplay…we just wanted to get down to the hardcore humping.

I was sitting on a couch and she climbed on top. On her 3rd down stroke, I blew like a Friday afternoon work whistle. She shot off my cock back first into the coffee table, broke it in half and received a few splinters in her ass! Should we replace this piece of furniture, or should I just make her kneel on the floor and rest my legs on her when she’s done sucking me off in the future?

You Nashville folks have all the fun! You get extra points for making me laugh. Perhaps all ya need is sturdier furniture.

PS: don’t be surprised if I steal this: “I blew like a Friday afternoon work whistle.” That’s just downright hilarious.

Name: Colleen
Gender: Female
Age: 28
Location: California
I have noticed lately that I am way more horny than normal. It is like I can’t get enough and the slightest touch gets me going. Also my natural smell from my vagina seems to be extra strong lately and sometimes after my husband and I have sex I have a clear but chunky discharge. I regularly with use Summer’s Eve wash and I have never smelled so strong as I do now. I feel like I am a dog in heat. What is wrong with me?

WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? Simply put, you’re 28 and you’re as randy as all get-out, darling. Sounds like you’re pert-near feral. If you were in the wild your super-strong odor would attract males from far and wide, each and every one wanting to satisfy your vixen lusts. Good for you!

And here’s a tip: quit with the over the counter douches, already, especially the ones with the fragrances. Despite the perceived benefits of douching, there is growing evidence that any potential health benefit may be outweighed by risks of douching with such products.

Douching upsets the vaginal environment in a number of ways. It shifts the pH, causes direct irritation and inflammation of the vaginal mucosa (the delicate lining of your pussy), and it washes away the good bacteria. So do not douche.

It can also drive bad bacteria up into the uterus and increase the risk of pelvic inflammatory disease. Women who douche, even infrequently are much more prone to the common vaginal infection, Bacterial Vaginosis (BV). All ‘feminine hygiene products’ (suppositories, sprays, cleansers, etc) are useless, potentially disruptive, totally unnecessary and a waste of your money. Also avoid any strong chemicals, such as deodorant soaps, anti-bacterial soaps, strongly perfumed soaps or body washes as they can all have negative effects on the beneficial flora and lead to infections and irritation.

And that “clear but chunky discharge” you’re having after the hubby bones you? If your pussy is healthy, Doll, I’d be willing to guess that’s his spooge drippin’ out of your cunt. Ahhh, youth! But if you think otherwise, why not have a physician take a look.

Good Luck, ya’ll!

Posted on

Get your wood the natural way!

Hey there sex fans,

It’s Product Review Friday and I have the pleasure of welcoming yet another new company, LibidoStack, to our review effort.

Dr Dick Review Crew members, Mick, Carlos and I bring you the results of our experimentation.

LibidoStack —— $49.95 (10 capsules, one month supply)

Dr Dick: For review purposes, the manufacturer of LibidoStack sent me a package containing ten capsules in a tamperproof bubble-pack. The claim is that their all-natural herbal product is supposed to improve one’s sexual health and performance. This is equivalent to 10 doses — one capsule per dose. (My contact at LibidoStack tells me that a 10-pack is a month’s supply; a capsule every three days.)

Being the generous kinda guy that I am, I shared my LibidoStack stash with two of my fellow Dr Dick Review Crew members — Carlos and Mick. I gave my colleagues the lion share of the product. They both got four capsules equaling 4 doses. I used the remaining two myself. We will each take our turn reporting our findings. I’ll go first.

So what is LibidoStack exactly? The manufacturer says it’s a “…proprietary all natural male enhancement blend was researched and developed by our team of highly-acclaimed biochemists, and research analysts.” They claim their product will produce “…increased sexual pleasure, harder and longer lasting erections, and increased sex desire.”

The LibidoStack website list the ingredients, which they claim “consists of herbs, minerals, and amino acids.” They list the ingredients HERE! http://libidostack.com/index.php/how-it-works.html

I took the time to look up each and every ingredient listed. I found that the health benefits associated with these herbal extracts include — an increase in energy and virility; as well as antioxidant, anti-inflammatory and antibacterial properties. So if nothing else, I figured my LibidoStack experience would not harm me in any way.

My experience — I used LibidoStack on two different occasions and followed the directions on the package each time — Take one capsule with warm water 60 minutes after a meal.

Before I continue, I must confess that I always approach products like this with a healthy dose of skepticism. And I’m always on the lookout for the placebo effect — the suggestion of an effect creates the effect. But I did have two opportunities to test this product over a span of 10 days so I would have had to be very suggestible for the placebo effect to play much of a role on both occasions. And I can tell you; I’m not that suggestible.

I am familiar with the effects of Viagra and its companion drugs, Levitra and Cialis. So I do have a frame of reference when it comes to judging the effects of herbal products, like LibidoStack. I can honesty say I was pleased with this product’s performance. It works by building up in your system as opposed to producing its effect immediately.

LibidoStack had a more gradual effect than the pharmaceuticals I’ve used, but that’s not a bad thing. What amazed me is that LibidoStack is as effective as any the medically prescribed drugs I’ve tested, but it is much kinder to my system. There were no headaches, unsightly flushes, upset stomach, rise in blood pressure or altered vision. This made me very happy indeed.

In doing reviews like this there is the danger of generalizing from one person’s experience. I want to avoid this by stating every human body is unique. Each of us metabolizes what we consume in a slightly different way. Keep this in mind if you try LibidoStack. The degree of erection, as well as the time it takes to get hard on this product (or any such product, including the pharmaceuticals) will depend on one’s age, overall health and the amount of sexual stimulation one is receiving.

Oh, and this is not an aphrodisiac, people! Wood is not gonna miraculously happen on it’s own.

I also want to be clear on another point — LibidoStack is not miracle potion. It will not override an unhealthy lifestyle. But it can positively effect one’s sexual response cycle; making arousal easier, which will make one a more confident lover.

I have a couple more thoughts that I will share at the end of this review. But now I want to bring in Carlos and Mick so that they can share their findings.

Mick: “I’m sold on LibidoStack. I’ve been having erections issues since my prostate cancer diagnosis. My doc believes the problem is all in my head. He can’t find any physical reason why the plumbing doesn’t work like it should, although I do have high blood pressure. So I can’t take Viagra because of that.
LibidoStackworked fine the first time, but better the fourth time I tried it. LibidoStack doesn’t come on like a freight train; it’s way more subtle than that. Like Dr Dick said, it really boosted my confidence. And if that’s all I needed, I’m a happy guy.”
Carlos: “I’m impressed too. LibidoStack exceeded my expectations.
I’ve tried several other herbal products in my time, because Viagra is so fuckin’ expensive. But none of the other products matched LibidoStack’s performance.
I do need to say, however, that I didn’t experience the effects of LibidoStack as quickly as did Mick. Of course, I’m a much bigger guy. I also took my first two doses an hour after a full meal, just as the package suggests. I took the other two doses on an empty stomach and it worked better.”
Mick: “I discovered that too. If I take LibidoStack on an empty stomach, the effect is more immediate.
Here’s another thing I noticed. After the second dose I started having nighttime boners, a lot of them. I would wake up from a sound sleep with a raging hardon. It was like it was in my 20’s.”
Carlos: “I had that happen to me too. At first I said, ‘whoa nelly!’ My wife was surprised as hell too. I hadn’t been feeling very randy for the last six months.”
Mick: “Yeah, my partner Chuck, noticed a difference right away too. I’m gonna guess that this stuff builds up in your system and maybe a maintenance dose is all ya ever need.
I was kidding with Chuck about those warnings you see on TV, the ones that say; ‘Warning: If you experience an erection for more than 4 hours, please seek medical assistance immediately.’ I told Chuck that if I had a boner that lasted 4 hours I wouldn’t call a doctor; I’d call a hustler!”
Full Review HERE!

ENJOY

Posted on

Trouble in Paradise

Name: Carey
Gender:
Age: 33
Location: Kansas
My fiancée is 27 and in the past 3 to 4 years her libido has become virtually extinct I have tried everything and she just blames her birth control what do I do

You’ve been engaged to a woman for more than 4 years? Oh wait, maybe you’re trying to tell me that you proposed to this woman in spite of knowing she has an extinct libido? Either way, darling, that’s messed up, huh? Are you hoping this is “dry spell” is gonna somehow magically resolve itself once you’re married? I wouldn’t hold my breath for that, if I were you.

It’s true of course, birth control pills can seriously impact on a woman’s desire for sex. Your fiancée is probably one of these women. Maybe she ought to consult her physician about finding another type of pill that may have a less severe impact on her libido.

Many women find that triphasic birth control pills (which deliver differing amounts of hormones every week) interfere much less with their sex drive than monophasic pills (which deliver the same amount of hormones each dose).

She could also decide to discontinue the pill altogether, and choose another form of contraception, such as a condom or diaphragm. Just realize that once off the pill, her sex drive may only return very slowly.

You see how this predicament is a double bind for your fiancée. If she is more lax with her contraceptive efforts, just to please you and your sex drive; then she opens herself up for an unplanned pregnancy. And that’s not good for her, or you. Is there anything YOU can do to free her up from shouldering the full burden of contraception? Have you’ve considered a vasectomy? Probably not, huh? What man ever imagines he ought assume the responsibility for controlling reproduction?

While I wholeheartedly support the notion that married people deserve a rich and fulfilling sex life, unless there’s mutual agreement for another arrangement; that can’t happen if one of the partners is inequitably burdened by one thing or another. Perhaps, it’s time you and the little woman to have a frank talk about sharing the responsibility for contraception. And if this little talk is successful, maybe, just maybe, you’ll get laid again.

Good luck

Name: Tony
Gender:
Age: 40
Location: Houston
I’ve loved several women and even married and divorced one. Over the last few years, I notice having similar feelings for men around me…longing, sweaty palms, difficulty thinking and wanting to be with them alone. Is this love? Am I bisexual? Am I a sick man better of dead? I have not crossed the line and I still having great sex with women. But there’s now a guy that I think about when I’m with her! Am I gay? Bisexual? Sick in the head?

My first reaction is that what you present is not particularly uncommon. Many people, just like you, inexplicably find themselves behaving in a completely unexpected sexual manner. I’d love to know what triggered you to veer off your comfortable and predictable sexual path?

There’s never a scarcity of sexual fascists out there, people who believe that sexual tastes and preferences are carved in stone, or there’s only one “right” way to be sexual. They’ll persecute anyone who doesn’t conform to their strict immutable notions of sexuality and eroticism. Despite the proliferation of these hetero-fascists, homo-fascists, what have you; they are all very wrong about the indomitable human spirit.

For the most part, humans are not sexual automatons. Given a more permissive and sex-positive culture then our own, we’d all be more fluid in our eroticism and sexual expression. Are you one of the lucky few who has discovered the joy of this fluidity? Doesn’t quite sound like it to me, at least not yet. I think you’re still in the “scared shitless” stage.

For a guy who has yet to “cross the line” and actually act on your fantasy, you sure are preoccupied with your identity. Are you afraid that someone will take away your breeder card if you actually touch a dude in a sexual way? Does having same-sex feelings…sweaty palms and all…make you a gay? Doubt it! Being gay entails a lot more than a sense of longing for something you’re not supposed to have. Are you bisexual? I can’t say for sure, but you’re certainly not exclusively straight either. I suppose you have to come to grips with the self-identify thing when you have a bit more information about your burgeoning eroticism. What I know for sure is that you are not sick.

Who knows, your homoeroticism might very well be situational. It might not extend any farther than the guy you think about when you’re fucking chicks. I know all of this is can be pretty disconcerting and it can really mess with your head. But at least you know you are still alive sexually. So many people are sleepwalking through their erotic lives.

Will you act on your inclinations? Will you test the waters, so to speak? What harm could it do? Might just open up a whole new sexual world for you. On the other hand, if you do nothing, or try and repress these natural feelings, you’ll always know in your heart of hearts that you have the desire, if not the capacity, to express yourself sexually with a much wider range of humans than what you are currently used to. And something tells me that if you choose the path of self-denial, it will eat away at you until you satisfy your curiosity.

Good luck

Posted on

Libido Disparity

No other sexual complaint for couples is more pervasive then that of libido disparity. I’ve heard from hundreds of frustrated and desperate women and men trapped in undersexed relationships. It’s one thing to have the sexual connection drift away by mutual consent. It’s quite another to have one partner unilaterally dissolve the sexual connection leaving the other partner bewildered and disoriented.

Often a partner will refuse to talk about why the sex has taken a nosedive. I understand not knowing what to say when things go south, or not knowing how to say what may be on your mind. But to clam up all together, that’s just unfair.

Sexuality is both a personal expression and a means of bonding with another. Sexual wellbeing in a relationship is more than simply getting off. It means taking responsibility for one’s eroticism as an integral part of relationship. The confusion, unhappiness and anxiety that result when there’s a breakdown of this can spill over and contaminate other areas of the relationship.

When I encounter this predicament in my counseling practice, I always build in some individual time with each partner even though the couple is there for “couples counseling.” I often get a much better sense of what’s causing the problem in these private sessions. It’s easier for the individual to talk to me privately than to be open, honest and forthcoming about his/her feelings with his/her partner sitting right there.

Some people don’t know how to express themselves without hurting the feelings of the other. Or an individual may not know why things are different than they once were. Often there are lifestyle issues at play — family concerns, work concerns, lack of sleep, drugs and alcohol consumption, etc. Sometimes medical and psychological issues are impacting on a person’s libido — weight gain, birth control, other pharmaceutical drugs, diabetes and depression to mention a few. But more frequently than not, the explanation is the partnered sex has become stale, rote and boring.

Whatever the cause of the imbalance, it needs to be addressed as a couple. Once the couple has identified the problem the next step is learning how to talk about it in an effective yet non-threatening way. This can be tricky, to say the least. But it is still so much easier than trying to avoid the issue all together.

When the couple is ready to break open this discussion, I encourage them to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. I ask them to identify how they feel and own their feelings. “I feel confused. I feel frustrated. I feel that our relationship is in jeopardy.” Avoid statements like; “you make me feel…” Active listening is as important as being honest with one’s feelings.

The couple moves on to identify concrete steps they can take together to address the problem. Making a mutually agreed upon plan of action and sticking to it is essential.

Problems do not go away simply by ignoring them. Disappointments will become resentments and resentments will inevitably lead to acting-out and that will surly fuck things up royally.

Good luck

Posted on

No, seriously…

Name: PaunFarr
Gender: Male
Age: 41
Location: Ohio
Dr. Dick, I’m feeling the intense letdown of the ballot issues passed this week in California, Florida and Arkansas. Especially CA, where they had gay marriage but now have lost it, and my heart goes out for all those married couples now in limbo. I don’t understand this. Ohio passed their “marriage protection” act a couple years ago, and it was a devastating blow to me. Why is ok for the majority to restrict the rights of the minority? Where is our defender? Where is justice simply because it’s the right thing, not necessarily the popular thing? Will Barack Obama be able to turn around the tide of hatred and discrimination that George Bush has sewn for eight years? How long must we wait to be recognized as equal citizens and not made to feel like the lowest form of person possible? Looking for some advice on how to hold my head high when we’re so often given the message to slink away.

Yeah, I’m bummed too.  But the November 4th vote is not the end of the story.  There dr_dick_1976.jpgare many more chapters yet to be written.  Don’t let your disappointment and frustration take the wind out of your sails.

The very first thing I learned in the 30 plus years I’ve spent fighting for human rights, is that equality and justice never comes easily.  The second thing I learned is that my dignity and self-worth is not dependent on the approbation of others.

You learn to hold your head up because you KNOW you are as good as anyone else.  You fight inequality and injustice wherever you find it, not just in the gay community.  You make allies of all the other people in your community who are marginalized for whatever reason.  You build a coalition.  When your efforts fail, as they often will, you support and encourage your colleagues and plan your next assault on the in equitable and unjust system.  In fact, you redouble your grassroots organizing to broaden your base by reaching out to others in a language they will understand.  One thing is certain; other minorities will not automatically understand your oppression as a gay man any more than you will automatically understand what oppresses them.  But working together to find common ground will provide you the means to achieve your goals of equality in the dominant culture.  That’s how it’s done.

And ya know what?  This struggle is never over.  If you leave the battle once your rights have been secured, then you signal to your allies that you were only in it for yourself.  Nothing will undermine a coalition faster than selfishness.

Whatever you do, don’t be lookin for a defender to swoop in and save the day for you.  That’s the stuff of fairytales.  If you’re not on the front lines making this coalition happen, then don’t expect anyone, from the president on down, to come to your rescue.  Remember, dignity is not the result of the struggle; dignity is in the struggle.  Make this your life’s work and you won’t be discouraged with one, or even several, set backs.

Name: Paige
Gender: Female
Age: 22
Location:  Tulsa
I am engaged to a wonderful guy.  I’m excited about my upcoming marriage, but I’m also afraid that it will fail.  I know you are going to think we’re freaks, but my fiancé and I have decided to save ourselves for after we are married. Some of our friends even our recently married friends are having trouble with their relationship and with the divorce rate so high, what are the chances that my marriage will work?  Do I just have cold feet or am I not ready to get married?

First off, I don’t think you’re a freak for reserving full sexual expression till after you bride32.jpgare married.  It wasn’t too long ago when that sort of thing was the norm.  And as you say, even though nowadays most people enter marriage as established sex partners, that alone won’t insure a marriage will be a success.

So ok, if a successful marriage is not dependent on sexual experience what does it take to make a marriage work?  Hell, if I knew that I’d bottle it and make myself a well deserved fortune.

For the sake of argument, let’s just say you are the marrying kind and that you simply have cold feet, like every bride and groom to be does.  Let’s say that you and your fiancé have made the right choice…for you…to enter your marriage as virgins.  What’s next?  Possibly you need to jettison the Pollyanna notion that marriage is a breeze.  Your recently married friends are having problems because there are always problems in a marriage.  It’s the nature of the beast.  Hopefully, the problems you guys will face won’t be insurmountable.  But, sure as shootin’, problems will be your constant companions, sometimes they’ll even big problems. So count on it and prepare yourself accordingly.

If you have an unwavering commitment to one another to do whatever it takes to make your overall relationship work, you’ll probably be ok. Being sexually unfamiliar with one another may be a liability or it might be an asset.  One thing is certain, if you guys start to have problems with the whole sex thing, as often happens for newlyweds, get help right away.  There should be no shame or embarrassment about that.  In fact, you might want to be proactive and start looking around for sexual enrichment courses or videos to help you grow together as lovers.  Look to my Product Review Page for some video and toy suggestions.

bride0020.jpgHere are some generic tips.  Great sex is dependent on mutuality.  Be sure your partner knows he or she is loved, appreciated and respected.  One of you may discover that he or she has a stronger libido than the other.  That’s pretty common.  Deal with this immediately, like adults. Don’t wait for your relationship to go broken. Accommodations and compromise are always necessary in seeking the common good.  And people come to compromise and accommodation through effective communication.  If you don’t know how to do that, your relationship is doomed.

Passion is not a dirty word, nor is creative sexual expression a sin.  If you have religious scruples about enjoying your body and that of your fiancé you’re headed for trouble.  Boredom in the bedroom, particularly for newlyweds is a recipe for disaster.

Saving yourself for your wedding night does not preclude you being well versed in self-pleasuring.  In fact, the more you know about your body and the mysteries of your sexual response cycle the smoother things will go for the two of you on your wedding night. Nowadays there is absolutely no need for anyone to come to their marriage bed uninformed about sex in general and his or her sexuality in particular.  And come prepared; always have lots and lots of lube handy!

Like I said, mutuality is the key.  And since we all evolve sexually, both of you will need to grow right along with your partner.  Make your sex play an adventure.  Never hesitate to check in with one another to see how the pleasure thing is going.  What worked last time is not necessarily gonna work the next time.

Spontaneity is always a real good thing.  Traditional marriage doesn’t mean you have to be stogy.  Both of you need to take responsibility for seeing that your intimacy needs are being met.  Sometimes that will involve fucking like bunnies, other times it will mean vegging-out in front of the boob-tube with a fist full of Häagen-Dazs.

Openness and honesty about your most secret sexual desires and needs is essential.  Can’t trust your partner with your secrets, you oughtn’t be married to him or her.  Take responsibility for your own sexuality.  Ask for what you want and need, but don’t neglect caring for yourself.

Seek your partner’s pleasure before your own.  This is particularly important for a man.  If you become too busy to celebrate your sexuality together, you are indeed too fuckin busy.  Prioritize your life with your partner at its center.

There’s a fundamental difference between making love and fucking.  Both have their place in a healthy marriage.  And there ought also be room for solitary sex too.  Everyone in entitled to privacy and private time, especially in a marriage.

Have some creativity about your sexual expression.  Toys, fantasies, role-playing, they’re all good.  Don’t be afraid to experiment.  Attend to making your sex play spaces fit the mood — romantic to down and dirty.  One size does not fit all, if you catch my drift.

If you plan to go to seed once you’re married you can be assured that the fire will go out just as soon as you do.  Stay in shape, get plenty of exercise, and keep yourself attractive to your partner.  Pay attention to your personal hygiene. No one wants to bump someone with a smelly body and bad breath.

Make sure your partner is fully aroused before full-on fucking.  And remember sex is way more than the old in an out.  Finally, have a sense of humor about the whole thing; it will help take the edge off.

Name: Steve
Gender: male
Age: 46
Location:
Safe to swallow?  Improve the taste?

I just love it when ya’ll take the time to write or call me to tell me about your spunk. I like it for two reasons. First, it reassures me that ya’ll are paying attention to your sexual response cycle.  And  that you continue to be fascinated with how your body works. These are two really good things.

Second, well hell, I just get a kick outta hearin’ about your joy juice discoveries. Gosh, seed2.JPGIt warms the cockles of my poor old heart.  So keep it up, so to speak, and keep the good doctor informed. Who knows one day I may hear something I’ve never heard before.

Back to you Steve, there ain’t nothin’ to get all freaked out about.  Eatin’ your spooge will not make you sick. If you get off suckin’ up your own seed, knock yourself out. Have a ball! Oh wait, you already are!

Think about it for a minute, there couldn’t possibly be anything in your cum that could harm big old you, because that would mean it would also be harmful to your cute little defenseless sperm. But it’s not, so there.

Technically speaking, your joy juice, semen to be more precise, is mostly water. There’s also a simple sugar to keep you’re hard workin’ sperm alive and well. And, the rest is pure protein, baby. So look at it this way, your eating habits, so to speak, will require you to eat just a little less tofu than the rest of us.

And I do know a little something about making your spooge…spunkalicious.
Most of our ejaculate is produced in our seminal vesicles and prostate gland: not in our testicles, as most folks think. Only our sperm is produced in our balls, and sperm makes up only a fraction of our ejaculate. Our prostate gland is influenced by what we consume; eat, drink, smoke, things like that. So if you want to have sweet tasting jizz, for yourself and others, watch what you consume. Oh, and drink lots of water too.

Eating celery and/or parsley can have an almost immediate effect on the taste of your cum. Some report that the effect can be as swift as 30 minutes. So not only do celery and parsley freshen your breath, but they freshen your spunk as well. Hey, it’s like having two mints in one.

Oh and I can turn you on to a brand new product.  So brand new, in fact, that I have yetsmallermaple.jpg to publish a review of it on my Product Review Page.  Let me introduce you to Intimate Teas.  They have this special tea called My Maple Cookie.  It’s a unique blend of premium herbs specially formulated to change the female genitalia and male semen to smell and taste like pure maple.  How fun is that?  And it really works too.  I mean, who doesn’t want his/her juices to smell and taste like dessert?

If your diet is heavy with meats and fish your jizz will most likely have a bitter taste. A high concentration of dairy products creates a foul taste…so does all that coffee and nicotine. Lots of fruits and vegetables in your diet (except for asparagus that is) will produce a slightly sugary taste. And if you like your cocktails (the kind you drink, silly), it’s best to stick with high-quality, naturally fermented beers, wine or liquor. The cheap stuff, the rotgut, will not only give you a wicked hangover, but will cause your spooge to have an extremely acidic taste.

Name: Alva
Gender: female
Age: 40
Location:  New Mexico

It has been over six years since I have had sex. My husband of 12 years died cancer 5 years ago.  There was no sex in our relationship the last year of his life.  He was the love of my life and I still miss him so much. I would like to get back into the swing of things.  I just don’t know how.  My friends tell me I should get on with my life.  They tell me I’m still an attractive woman and that I’m wasting my life.  Sometimes they badger me so that I don’t want to be around them.  Maybe there’s something wrong with me.  Maybe I’m dead inside.  Why can’t I just move on?

You raise some very interesting issues, Alva, concerns that are often ignored or misdiagnosed by healing and helping professionals.  Grief has a profound effect on grief-1.jpgevery aspect of our lives.  Yet there is hardly any literature on the effects grief has on our sexuality.  To my mind, grief is the leading causes of sexual dysfunction for those who have experienced the death of a loved one.  And you, my dear, present some of the classic symptoms — indecision, self-doubt, lack of libido, a desire to isolate.

Before I continue I want to underscore that grief is not depression.  And treating grief with an antidepressant is counterproductive.  It can actually take away the impetus to resolve the grief and get on the rest of one’s life.

Now, is six years of grieving enough?  Apparently your friends think so. But what do you think?  Would reviving your sex life sully the memory of your dear departed husband?  I believe it’s time for you to bring this concern to a professional for help.  I suggest that you get some therapy from someone who is well versed in both sexuality and grief counseling. I say this not because I’m siding with your friends, but because you, yourself, identify this as a problem.

What could a counselor do for you, you may ask?  Well, I can only speak for myself, and the work I do in my practice.  A good portion of my practice is with sick and dying people and their friends and family who survive them.  I know the impact a terminal illness and the dying process can have on the surviving spouse or partner.  We often go into survival mode, shutting down so much of ourselves in an effort to have the strength to cope with this life-altering experience.  Of course, trying to kick-start our life afterwards is often a monumental effort.  Without the support and guidance of a professional or a group of similarly challenged people, some of us just sink to the lowest common denominator and stop fully functioning.

grief.jpgTraumatic events in our lives can radically shift us out of living mode into merely surviving mode.  And if this goes on for a long time — and six years is a very long time in my opinion — surviving mode begins to feel like living mode.  But it’s not!  Good thing we have friends to tell us when we are off course.  You are right to say that sometimes the interventions of our friends can feel like badgering.  And I know that’s not helpful.  But how else are they to convey their continued concern for your wellbeing?

I believe in the resilience of the human spirit.  I believe that we can honor our dead and continue to live and love too.  Now it’s true that some animals and even some humans mate for life.  And when the mate dies they never mate again.  However, this doesn’t sound like you, Alva.  It sounds to me like you have a desire to get on with your life, to fill the void, to make new connections, but you simply don’t know how.  Acknowledging that fact is a real good place to begin.

Perhaps you could start by reawakening your sexuality through self-pleasuring.  Reconnect with your body and the joy it can bring you.  Six years is a long time to be without, so starting up again may take some effort.  While you are working on resolving your grief in a grief support group, you might want to connect with another group member who will no doubt be experiencing much the same things as you.  You could explore your sexuality together.

Reestablishing a social life will no doubt follow, slowly at first.  But the inevitable tug of our basic need for human to human contact will draw you, if you let it.  Remember the best testament to those who have died is to continue to celebrate life itself.

Good luck ya’ll