Category: Surrogate Partner

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Sex surrogate therapy

— What is it and how does it work?

by Rachel Ann Tee-Melegrito

Sex surrogate therapy is a three-way therapeutic relationship to help a person feel more comfortable with sex, sensuality, and sexuality. It involves working with a licensed therapist and a surrogate partner to manage potential issues with intimacy.

Also known as surrogate-assisted therapy or surrogate partner therapy, this treatment aims to help build self-awareness and skills in physical and emotional intimacy. A person sees both a sex therapist and a surrogate partner to help develop a healthy self-concept and improve sexual functioning. While this treatment can involve intercourse with the surrogate partner, it does not always.

A person may seek this type of therapy because of sexual dysfunctions or any trauma, fears, or anxieties they experience related to sex. Sexual health and satisfaction can play a crucial role in a person’s health and well-being, and forming sexual relationships may impact happiness and fulfillment.

In this article, we discuss what sex surrogate therapy is, how it works, who can benefit from it, and how it differs from other practices.

Surrogate partner therapy is a three-way therapeutic relationship among a licensed therapist, a client, and a surrogate partner.

The treatment typically involves a variety of therapeutic experiences, sometimes including sexual intercourse, to explore and resolve barriers preventing a person from having physical, sexual, and emotional intimacy.

Dr. William Masters, a gynecologist, and Dr. Virginia Johnson, a sexologist, introduced the concept in their book, Human Sexual Inadequacy, which they originally published in the 1970s.

The course of therapy usually begins with the therapist and the client determining goals and creating a treatment plan to address the issues behind the client’s difficulties.

The therapist may recommend surrogate partner therapy if they deem it helpful. Partner surrogates work in collaboration with the therapist and the client. They receive training to mentor, coach, and help clients meet their treatment goals.

Similarly to the way exposure therapy enables a person to face their fear, this treatment provides access to a safe partner to allow a person to practice techniques, among other skills.

The goals of this treatment may include building self-awareness and self-confidence, developing effective communication, training social skills, and developing physical and emotional intimacy skills.

Surrogates guide clients through the program and gradually progress through varied therapeutic experiences that aim to explore, build the client’s skills, and promote their healing. The plan may incorporate:

  • relaxation and meditation
  • eye contact
  • effective communication
  • sensate focusing
  • sex education
  • body mapping
  • one-way or mutual nudity
  • one-way or mutual touching
  • genital-genital contact

A person may opt for local therapy, which is when the therapist and the surrogate are both available in the local community. It usually involves meeting with the therapist for 1 hour per week and meeting with the surrogate partner for 1–2 hours per week.

Alternatively, they may use an intensive setup, which is when the therapist-client and surrogate-client sessions overlap to facilitate rapid growth and change for the client. This involves meeting with the surrogate partner for 2–3 hours per day and with the therapist for 1 hour per day. Intensive therapy typically lasts for 2 weeks.

It is important to note that the therapist is not involved in the sessions between the surrogate and the client. However, open, proper, and consistent communication among all three team members is fundamental for the approach’s success. All team members make a mutual decision to terminate therapy, typically when the client achieves their goals.

Generally, individuals considering sex surrogate therapy have been undergoing sex therapy or psychotherapy for months to several years to deal with concerns such as self-confidence, body image issues, fears, and sexual dysfunctions.

The range of concerns and conditions that may prompt the therapist or the client to consider a partner surrogate may include:

Some researchers suggest that sex surrogate therapy may help treat sexual difficulties among transgender people who have recently undergone gender confirmation surgery. Some evidence also suggests that it may be beneficial for people with disabilities to help them learn about comfortable ways to experience sex.

While some individuals may benefit from this therapy, more research is necessary. Additionally, it may be advisable to establish clarity on the ethics and legality of this practice.

There is some overlap between sex therapy and sex surrogate therapy, as both treatments aim to help resolve sexual issues.

While sex therapists may provide sex-based exercises to perform at home in between sessions, such as watching porn or masturbating, they do not participate or offer hands-on exercises to help their clients practice and develop these skills. Sex therapy is essentially a form of talk therapy.

Sex surrogate therapy may often involve a sex therapist as a licensed professional in addition to a certified surrogate partner. With consent, a person may be able to practice physical or sexual intimacy or techniques that a sex therapist advices with the surrogate partner.

Becoming a sex therapist typically requires a person to earn a master’s degree in a related field such as mental health, therapy, counseling, or psychology. In contrast, a person does not need any specific degree or course to qualify as a surrogate partner.

Many people may see sex surrogate therapy as a form of sex work. However, the two have different goals.

Sex workers receive payment in exchange for consensual sexual services. Sex surrogate therapy aims to provide a safe, structured environment where the client can explore intimacy and resolve barriers that prevent them from developing physical and emotional intimacy with a partner.

Sex surrogate therapy may also include sensual and sexual contact, but the focus is on developing skills and healing. In some cases, surrogate partners never have physical contact with their clients.

The International Professional Surrogates Association (IPSA) Code of Ethics states that the term “surrogate partner” applies only when the therapeutic relationship includes the involvement and participation of a licensed therapist. The surrogate may act as a substitute partner or a co-therapist.

There are currently no laws regulating or prohibiting sex surrogacy therapy. While paying for sex is illegal in most of the United States, this type of therapy does not always involve the exchange of money for sexual services, so it may fall into a legal gray area.

Sexual gratification is not necessarily the sole aim of the treatment. The treatment is also a therapeutic tool to help people overcome sexual challenges and improve their sexual health. Although the rationale for using a surrogate partner may be for sexual engagement, sexual contact is not mandatory and occurs only if necessary for the client to reach their goals.

Like any decision in a traditional therapeutic relationship between a client and a therapist, the decision to engage in intercourse as part of treatment is the choice of both parties and requires informed consent.

Since its establishment in 1973, IPSA has not experienced any legal issues.

A person may be able to access a partner surrogate through a licensed therapist, who can tap into their network of partner surrogates.

A person may also refer to IPSA’s list of surrogate partners. However, because not all surrogate partners want to post their personal information publicly, a person may also connect with IPSA’s referrals coordinator to be connected with a trained and certified professional surrogate partner.

Moreover, because some surrogate partners have profiles on social media platforms, a person may encounter people who claim to be IPSA certified or IPSA members. Individuals or therapists may contact the IPSA referrals coordinator to confirm.

While a specific degree or course is not a prerequisite for applying to IPSA’s Professional Surrogate Partner Training Program, the training committee does look for certain qualities, such as:

  • emotional maturity
  • evolution through personal therapy or other growth-oriented life experience
  • comfort with one’s body and sexuality
  • readiness to be involved in a close, caring relationship with others who are having difficulties with emotional, physical, and sexual intimacy

Interested applicants may begin their training application process with IPSA. They will need to fill out forms that require them to share very personal information.

Applicants need to go to Southern California for training, which has two phases. The first involves a 100-hour didactic and experiential course. Upon completing this, a person can enter a multiyear, multiclient supervised internship for phase 2.

Sex surrogate therapy is a therapeutic relationship involving a client, a therapist, and a surrogate partner. It can offer a place of healing and growth for people who are having difficulty with fears and anxieties about sex, their sexuality, or intimacy.

However, the therapy may not be suitable for everyone, and it does not necessarily involve intercourse with the surrogate partner. Individuals who are working with a sex therapist and interested in trying sex surrogate therapy may discuss it with their therapist. It is up to a licensed therapist to determine whether a person may benefit from a surrogate partner.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How sex surrogates are helping injured Israeli soldiers

In many countries surrogate sex therapy – in which a person is hired to act as a patient’s sexual partner – is controversial, and not widely practised. In Israel, however, it is available at government expense for soldiers who have been badly injured and need sexual rehabilitation.

By Yolande Knell and Phil Marzouk

The Tel Aviv consultation room of Israeli sex therapist Ronit Aloni looks much as you would expect. There is a small comfy couch for her clients and biological diagrams of male and female genitalia, which she uses for explanation.

But what happens in the neighbouring room, which has a sofabed and candles, is more surprising.

This is where paid surrogate partners help teach some of Aloni’s clients how to have intimate relationships and ultimately, how to have sex.

“It doesn’t look like a hotel – it looks more like a house, like an apartment,” says Aloni. There’s a bed, a CD player, an adjoining shower – and erotic artwork adorns the walls.

“Sex therapy is, in many ways, couple therapy and if somebody doesn’t have a partner then you cannot complete the process,” she goes on. “The surrogate – she or he – they’re there to model the partner role in a couple.”

Although critics liken this to prostitution, in Israel it has become accepted to the extent that the state covers the cost for soldiers with injuries that affect their ability to have sex.

Woman and man embracing
Sex is part of life, it’s the satisfaction of life… it’s not that I’m being Casanova – this is not the issue

“People need to feel they can pleasure somebody else and that they can get pleasure from somebody else,” says Aloni, who has a doctorate in sexual rehabilitation.

“People are coming for therapy. They’re not coming for pleasure. There is nothing similar to prostitution,” she adds firmly.

“Also, 85% of the sessions are [about] intimacy, touching, giving and receiving, communicating – it’s about learning to be a person and how you relate to other people. By the time you have a sexual relationship, that’s the end of the process.”

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Mr A, as he wants to be known, was one of the first soldiers who got Israel’s Ministry of Defence to pay for sex surrogate therapy after a life-changing accident nearly 30 years ago, when he was an army reservist.

A fall from a height left him paralysed from the waist down and unable to have sex in the ways that he had previously.

“When I was injured I made a list ‘To Do,'” he says. “I have to [be able to] do a shower by myself, I have to eat, dress by myself, to drive by myself and have sex independently.”

Mr A was already married with children, but his wife did not feel comfortable talking about sex to doctors and therapists, so she encouraged him to seek help from Aloni.

He explains how Aloni gave directions and feedback to him and his surrogate partner before and after each session.

woman sitting on bed
“You start from the beginning: you’re touching this, you’re touching there and then it’s building step-by-step until the last stage of getting an orgasm,” he says.

Mr A argues it was right for the state to pay for his weekly sessions, just as it did other parts of his rehabilitation. Today the cost of a three-month treatment programme is $5,400.

“It wasn’t the goal of my life to go to a surrogate, OK, I was injured and I want[ed] to rehabilitate in every aspect of my life,” he says, sitting in his wheelchair, in a tracksuit, on his way to play table tennis.

“I didn’t fall in love with my surrogate. I was married. It was just to study the technique of how to get to the goal. I took it as a very logical thing that I have to do.”

He blames Western hang-ups about sex for any misconceptions.

“Sex is part of life, it’s the satisfaction of life,” he says. “It’s not that I’m being Casanova, this is not the issue.”

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A steady stream of people of different ages and backgrounds visits Aloni discreetly at her clinic.

Many are struggling to have a romantic relationship because of intimacy issues or anxiety, or have suffered sexual abuse. Others have physical and mental health conditions.

Aloni has focused particularly on disabled clients since the start of her career. Several of her close relatives had disabilities including her father, a pilot, who suffered a brain injury after a plane crash.

“All my life I was next to people having to deal with and overcome different disabilities,” she says. “All these people were very well rehabilitated and so I had this very optimistic approach.”

Aloni became close to a surrogate who worked with disabled people while studying in New York.

When she came back to Israel in the late 1980s, she gained the approval of leading rabbis for the use of sexual surrogates and started providing therapy at a rehabilitation centre on a religious kibbutz – a rural community.

The rabbis had one rule – no married men or married women could be surrogates – and Aloni has followed it ever since.

Over time, she has won backing from the Israeli authorities. Out of about 1,000 people who have had surrogate sex therapy at her clinic, dozens have been injured army veterans – many with brain trauma or spinal cord injuries, whose treatment has been funded by the state.

Aloni believes that Israel’s family-oriented culture and its attitude towards its armed forces has worked in her favour. At 18, most Israelis are called up for military service and they can continue as reserve soldiers into middle age.

“We are in a war situation all the time since the country was established,” she says.

“Everybody in Israel knows people who were injured, or died and everybody has a positive approach to compensating these people. We feel obliged to them.”

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A tall man of about 40 is sitting in his garden in central Israel with a blanket across his lap. He is a former reserve soldier whose life was shattered in the 2006 Lebanon War.

David – as we will call him – was left unable to talk or move.

Lebanon war

He can only communicate with the help of his occupational therapist – if she supports his arm and holds a pen in his hand, he can write on a whiteboard.

“I was just an ordinary person. I’d just got back from a trip to the Far East. I was studying in university and worked as a barman. I used to love sports and being with friends,” David says.

When his military unit came under attack, he suffered serious leg and head injuries and went on to spend three years in hospital.

During that time, he says he lost the will to live.

Things only began to turn around after his occupational therapists suggested surrogate sex therapy.

“When I started the surrogate therapy, I felt like a loser, like nothing. In therapy. I started feeling like a man, young and handsome,” David says.

“It was the first time that I felt that since my injury. It gave me strength and it gave me hope.”

This was an intimate relationship that David started, knowing that it would have to end. So was there a risk that he would be emotionally hurt?

“Initially, it was difficult for me because I wanted the surrogate all to myself,” he says. “But I realised that even if we’re not partners, we’re still good friends. And it’s worth it. It’s worth everything. It just helps you rebuild yourself all over again.”

While the usual rules are that surrogates and clients cannot be in contact outside of the therapy, David and his surrogate – a woman who uses the alias Seraphina – were given special permission by Dr Aloni’s clinic to stay in touch when their sessions ended.

Since the treatment, those close to David say they have seen a transformation in him. He has been focusing on plans for the future.

While having a sex life remains very difficult, before Covid-19 struck he had begun socialising more, going out with the help of his carers.

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Seraphina has worked as a surrogate with Ronit Aloni for over a decade. She is slim with bobbed hair and is warm and articulate.

Recently she published a book about her experiences. Titled More than a Sex Surrogate, the publishers describe it as “a unique memoir about intimacy, secrets and the way we love”.

Like all of the surrogate partners at the Tel Aviv clinic, Seraphina has another job. Hers is in the arts. She says she took on her role for altruistic reasons.

“All those people that suffer under the [surface] and have all those hidden secrets that they walk around with, I really wanted to help because I knew I had the ability,” she explains.

“I had no problem with the idea of using sexuality or my body or touch in the therapy process. And the subject was fascinating to me, sexuality was fascinating to me.”

Seraphina describes herself as “like a tour guide”, saying she takes clients on a journey in which she knows the way.

You cannot rehabilitate a person without rehabilitating their self-esteem, their perception of being a man or a woman

She has worked with about 40 clients, including another soldier, but says that the severity of David’s injuries posed a unique challenge. She learned how to help him to write so that they could chat privately.

“David is the most extreme case ever known. It was like walking in a desert – you had no idea of the direction [in which] to go,” she says.

“I had to be very, very creative because he doesn’t move at all. I moved his body as I imagined he would have moved if he could. He felt his body but he could not move it.

“He always said: ‘She knows exactly what I want, even if I don’t say anything.’ So, it was really flattering.”

While being a surrogate, Seraphina has had boyfriends who, she says, accept what she does. But she knows other women and men who have stopped acting as surrogates for the sake of their personal partners or to get married.

She explains that saying goodbye to clients after they have been intimate is necessary but can be difficult.

“I say, it’s like going to a vacation. We have an opportunity to have a wonderful relationship for a certain short time and do we take it or give it up?

“And it’s the happiest break-up anybody can have. It’s for good reasons. I can cry sometimes, but at the same time, I’m so happy.

“When I hear that anybody is in a relationship or had a baby or got married, it’s unimaginable how happy and thrilled and thankful I am for what I do.”

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Late in the evening, Ronit Aloni is still working, giving an online lecture to a group of sexologists from Europe and as far afield as South America.

She recounts cases and quotes studies suggesting surrogacy is more effective than classic psychological therapy at treating sexual problems.

Zoom seminar on sex therapy

“This is most interesting, those therapists who did already work with surrogates all of them said that they will do it again,” she tells them.

With modern surgery helping more severely wounded soldiers to survive she believes surrogate treatment could be used more widely.

“You cannot rehabilitate a person without rehabilitating their self-esteem, their perception of being a man or a woman,” she says.

“You cannot ignore this part in our life. It’s very important, powerful. It’s the centre of our personality. And you cannot just talk about it. Sexuality is something dynamic, is something that has to be between us and other people.”

In Aloni’s view, modern society has developed unhealthy attitudes towards sex.

“We know how to joke about sexuality. We know how to humiliate people, we know to be very conservative or too extreme about sexuality,” she says.

“It’s never really balanced. It’s never weaved into our life in the way it’s supposed to be, and sexuality – it’s life. This is how we bring life. It’s nature!”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Surrogate Therapy Takes a Hands-On Approach to Overcoming Sexual Trauma

—Up to and Including Intercourse

By

Touch, erotic or not, can communicate painful memories, insecurities and vulnerabilities that are hard to verbalize.

One of the most revelatory moments of Carlene Ostedgaard’s career was the time she got an orgasm from having her shoulder touched.

It happened a few years ago, when Ostedgaard, 35, began training to become a surrogate partner. Typically treating sexual anxiety or trauma, surrogate partners work in collaboration with licensed therapists to teach their clients relaxation tools, hands-on intimacy exercises and social skills—eventually leading to unstructured, penetrative sex.

Part of Ostedgaard’s training included a two-week program in Los Angeles, in which trainees paired up for a series of exercises that slowly became more intimate, from holding hands to footbaths. One exercise involved “erotic body mapping,” in which Ostedgaard and her partner took turns touching, licking and sucking spots on each other’s bodies and rating the sensation. When Ostedgaard’s partner got to her scapula, she began to feel a current running down her spine.

“It was super cool,” she says. “I thought I knew all these wonderful things about my body, and that was a totally new experience.”

Orgasms, though, are rare in surrogate therapy, and somewhat beside the point. Instead, the focus is on understanding why and when relaxation becomes difficult. Touch, erotic or not, can communicate painful memories, insecurities and vulnerabilities that are hard to verbalize.

“You can decide what you tell your therapist and what you don’t tell your therapist,” says Ostedgaard. “The body is not very good at lying.”

Ostedgaard has been working in Portland as a surrogate partner for three years. The practice exists under the broader category of “touch therapy.” In almost every case, hands-on coaches tend to work with clients whose symptoms—whether it’s erectile dysfunction or pelvic pain—stem from shame, anxiety or sexual trauma, and the treatment can encompass a range of physical contact. Somatica, for instance, focuses on breathing exercises and nonerotic touch, while sexological bodywork often involves genital touch but not necessarily penetrative sex.

Surrogate therapy, however, almost always involves sexual intercourse. But Ostedgaard stresses that it is only a small part of the overall treatment. Most of the time is spent working on communication skills and relaxation techniques.

“Ninety-five percent of what we do has nothing to do with sex,” says Ostedgaard. “It’s getting someone to that place where they’re relaxed enough to be present in their bodies so they can enjoy sex. It’s learning to communicate about sex.”

Even in the realm of sex therapy and coaching, touch-based work is a niche practice—Ostedgaard says she is among only a few dozen nonmedical sexual health practitioners in Portland who use physical contact as part of their treatment.

Because it involves sex, the legality of the profession is complicated. Few states have directly addressed surrogate therapy. While serving as deputy district attorney in Alameda County, Calif., Kamala Harris said of the practice, “If it’s between consensual adults and referred by licensed therapists and doesn’t involve minors, then it’s not illegal.”

In Oregon, commercial sexual solicitation is broadly defined as paying for any kind of “sexual conduct or sexual contact.” But according to certain experts, the therapeutic purpose of surrogate partner therapy could dissuade prosecution.

“It’s not the actual sex that’s criminalized, it’s the business aspect,” says Lake Perriguey, a Portland lawyer who has represented defendants facing sex crimes charges. “If the agreement is more broadly stated as a joint effort to overcome an impotence through therapy, that may not run afoul of the criminal statue. If there is an agreement, written or oral, that includes the words ‘You’re going to pay me to eat you out and then your sexual blockage will be cleared,’ that would be illegal.”

In other words, it’s mostly legal in the sense that it’s not explicitly illegal. Still, according to Ostedgaard, no surrogate partner has been prosecuted in the 50 years the treatment has existed.

“I’m a little bit tired of having the conversation,”she says, “because it’s never happened, no one’s gotten in trouble, and it’s such good therapy. That’s why people leave us alone.”

The American Psychological Association’s code of ethics prohibits any kind of sexual intimacy between patients and therapists. Hands-on workers are not recognized as therapists, and refer to those they treat as “clients” rather than patients. But surrogate partners are unique in that they work in conjunction with a licensed therapist. Clients see a therapist throughout the duration of their surrogacy treatment, and sign disclosure agreements so the two professionals can share notes.

Some therapists can be skeptical about the collaboration. It’s usually the client, rather than the surrogate, who does the convincing.

“When someone comes to this stage in therapy, they’ve tried everything else,” says Ostedgaard. “If someone needs this therapy, in my mind, it’s unethical to deny them when it is so effective.”

Of the various disciplines of hands-on sex therapy, surrogate therapy is perhaps the most regimented. At the beginning of each session, the surrogate checks in with the client to see if he or she is ready to proceed with the plan for the day. Sometimes, that means repeating hand caress exercises for a session before moving on to touching one another’s faces. Just before surrogates and clients have sex, there’s usually a session that involves “quiet penetration,” sometimes colloquially referred to as “stuffing,” which is essentially just penetration without the intent of having an orgasm, and with little movement (the vast majority of clients who seek surrogate therapy are cisgender men).

“We just hang out there for like five minutes,” she says. “What we’re really doing is normalizing that sensation, whether that’s bringing them to the point of ejaculation and teaching them like, you can control this, or normalizing the feeling of a vagina, because for a lot of these folks, that’s why they’re prematurely ejaculating, it’s because they’re excited or they’re fearful.”

Treatment typically takes one to two years of weekly sessions. Emotional involvement is inherently part of the treatment—the closing sessions are somewhere between an exit interview and a breakup. The surrogate recaps the skills the client has built, and the pair say goodbye.

“The client knows from the beginning that the relationship is going to end,” says Ostedgaard. “We frame it a lot from the perspective of, ‘Look at all these beautiful new skills you have. You deserve to go spread that to the world. Why on earth would you choose to share with only me?'”

After treatment is over, clients continue to see their therapist, but cannot contact the surrogate for at least three months. “It’s painful and there’s crying and you’re going to miss them and they’re going to miss you,” says Ostedgaard. “Then they come back and they tell you like, they’ve gotten married, they’ve had a baby—really wonderful things like that.”

Sex coaches and surrogate partners often speak about their work as a way of not only healing individual clients, but also recoding cultural attitudes about sex and pleasure.

Few believe a mass shift is going to happen anytime soon. Though the practice is gaining in recognition—this weekend in New Orleans, the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Educators will hold its first conference for certified members who use hands-on touch—Ostedgaard says legalizing sex work, regardless of a worker’s philosophical leanings, would be a big step.

“It would change attitudes so much if it wasn’t in the shadows,” she says. “It would change to the idea that pleasure and sex are a birthright.”

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Documenting the initiative helping disabled people explore sexuality

Francesca Penno, 29 years old, starts the session with Debora. Francesca suffers from SMA (Spinal Muscular Atrophy) a disease that weakens the muscles leaving sensitivity unchanged.

by Studio 1854

Simone Cerio won the ‘Hidden Worlds’ category in last year’s Wellcome Photography Prize for his year-long project documenting the practice of sexual assistance, helping people with disabilities to explore intimacy and sexuality in a therapeutic context.

Six years ago, Simone Cerio came across a newspaper story that made him sit up and pay attention. Referencing an organisation called LoveGiver, the article was about the practice of sexual assistance in Italy, and its controversy in the context of the law. Sexual assistance is “a holistic practice of massage and erotic stimulation”, says Cerio, one designed to help disabled people develop their sexual identity as well as a sense of their bodies both within the context of a relationship and for themselves alone.

“Sexual assistance is confused with prostitution,” the photographer continues. “But the difference is that there is no penetration or oral sex. It’s very different from prostitution, but there isn’t, so far, a clear way to get this practice legalised.” Cerio started to research the subject, contacted the organisation (whose name he adapted as the title of his resulting project, Love Givers) and was subsequently introduced to both practitioners and clients. His work explores, with startling intimacy, a transformative practice that for many people remains unknown.

One of the most striking images from Love Givers was selected as the winner of the ‘Hidden Worlds’ category in 2019’s Wellcome Photography Prize. It depicts two women lying on a bed together, partially dressed, hands intertwined and heads tilted towards one another. They are Francesca, who lives with spinal muscular atrophy, and Debora, Italy’s first sexual assistant, whose services technically remain illegal under Italian law.

Gabriele Piovano, 27 years old, is affected by spina bifida, a disorder that has forced him into a wheelchair since birth. It is commonly believed that disabled people have no sexual needs and their isolation causes them deep psychological problems

Francesca had found that her relationships were undermined by the emotional impact caused by her condition, but in Debora she found someone with whom she could discuss topics such as sex, masturbation and eroticism; “a special rendezvous aimed to strengthen self-esteem and express sexual energy,” as Cerio puts it.

The project also tells the story of Gabriele, a man living with spina bifida; Cerio’s photographs of him initially seem lonely, the portraits pensive and shadowy, until the point in the narrative when Debora arrives. They greet each other warmly, and his expression is transformed into one of enjoyment and sensory abandon. The third chapter of the work focuses on the perspective of a sexual assistant, Nina, a woman living in Switzerland who works as a prostitute but offers her services exclusively to disabled people. In each case, the relationship between the assistant and their client is manifestly tender and respectful, as is Cerio’s photographic approach.

During the session the tact is stimulated by caresses and massages.

From the outset, the photographer was conscious of the stereotypes and stigmas he was pushing against. Society’s ill-informed assumptions about disability can be cruel: “that disabled people can’t have relationships, or sexual relationships,” Cerio notes of some attitudes he encountered during his initial investigations. “That’s why it was important to cover this story: to make a change in society.”

When Love Givers went on to be selected as a winner in 2019’s Wellcome Photography Prize, the story reached a broader Europe-wide audience. The project was the result of a considerable period of diligent research, and time spent getting to know his subjects. “I covered this story for a year, and so step by step I created relationships. I decided to go back two, three or four times for each story.” Initially, Cerio was shooting video to accompany the work, short interviews with each subject, but he soon decided that photography’s more indirect approach was better suited to cover the story with the delicacy that he intended for it.

“I was very lucky with this project, because the people that I photographed were always open to tell their story,” the photographer says. He was particularly touched by the welcome he received from Gabriele and Francesca’s families, who were supportive of the work from the outset. It had been difficult for these able-bodied parents to understand their children’s experience of their bodies, especially during adolescence, and so organisations like LoveGiver have been able to provide the kind of embodied education the parents were unable to. Hence their openness in telling the story, in the hope it may help others.

Francesca Penno’s mother while helping the daughter to get ready for the session. The role of the parents is very important as they are the first to be aware of the needs of their daughter/son. Parents are often forced to turn to prostitutes as the the sexual assistant job is not yet recognized.

Cerio was also especially mindful about avoiding voyeurism while depicting such intimate subject matter. “My priority is always to create trust,” he says. “I tried to focus on the emotional aspect, and not be too explicit.” The result is a body of work that — though it deals with sexuality and approaches a subject matter that many viewers will never have come across — is sensitive and measured, emphasising the inner lives of his subjects rather than the facts of their bodies.

Gabriele, Francesca and Nina were all pleased with the outcome of the work. “They’re enthusiastic, especially because they really appreciated the approach I used to tell their stories, and the intimate way I took the pictures,” Cerio says. Love Givers has received plenty of positive feedback from an audience curious to learn more about the practice, as well as from people who may be able to benefit from sexual assistance directly. Parents of disabled adults have called the photographer to ask for more information, hoping to help their own children by introducing them to this particular therapeutic context.

A moment at the end of the session

Following this reception, Cerio intends to continue the project, as its ramifications reach further than he had anticipated. “Other people connected with the topic still contact me wanting to tell their story,” he says. “A few days ago someone called me wanting to tell the story of his relationship with his girlfriend, who is disabled.” The photographer will continue with his patient, deliberate approach, taking time over each subject, and would eventually like to bring the stories together in a book. He is still in touch with his previous subjects, and the positive effects of the sexual assistance they have received are resoundingly clear. Francesca, for example, is now in a relationship, and is expecting a baby.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Medically assisted sex? How ‘intimacy coaches’ offer sexual therapy for people with disabilities

‘For me, the sex is obviously why I’m seeking this out, but I’m also seeking services like this out because … I feel the need to be touched, to be kissed,’ says Spencer Williams.

[F]or years, Spencer Williams felt he was missing something in his love life.

The 26-year-old Vancouver university student and freelance writer has cerebral palsy. He says he meets lots of potential sex partners but had trouble finding what he was looking for.

“I always refer to my wheelchair as it comes to dating … as a gigantic cock block,” he says. “It doesn’t always get me to the places I want, especially when it comes to being intimate.”

“I thought, if something didn’t happen now, I was going to die a virgin.”

So he Googled “sexual services for people with disabilities.”

That’s how Williams found Joslyn Nerdahl, a clinical sexologist and intimacy coach.

‘Intimacy coach’ Joslyn Nerdahl says sex can be healing.

“I answer a lot of anatomy questions. I answer a lot of questions about intercourse, about different ways that we might be able to help a client access their body,” says Nerdahl, who moved from traditional sex work to working as an intimacy coach with Vancouver-based Sensual Solutions.

“I believe [sex] can be very healing for people and so this was a really easy transition for me, to make helping people with physical disabilities feel more whole.”

Sensual Solutions is geared toward people with disabilities who want or need assistance when it comes to sex or sexuality. It can involve relationship coaching, sex education or more intimate services. They call the service “medically assisted sex.” It costs $225 for a one-hour session.

Nerdahl notes that some people with disabilities are touched often by care aids or loved ones who are assisting with everyday activities such as getting dressed or eating.  But her clients tell her that despite that frequent physical contact, the lack of “erotic touch” or “intimate touch” can leave them feeling isolated, depressed or even “less human.”

‘Help a client access their body’

Nerdahl says each session with a client is different, depending on the person’s level of comfort and experience, as well as his or her particular desires and physical capabilities.

Williams says his sessions might start with breathing exercises or physio and move on to touching, kissing and other activities.

An intimacy coach may help a client put on a condom or get into a certain position.

A session might also involve “body mapping,” Nerdahl says, describing it as “a process of going through different areas of the body, in different forms of touching, to figure out what you like and what you don’t like.”

Social stigma

Sex and sexual pleasure remains a taboo topic when it comes to people with disabilities.

For Williams, accessing this service is about more than sexual pleasure. But it’s about that, too.

“[T]he sex is obviously why I’m seeking this out, but I’m also seeking services like this out because I feel the need to be close. I feel the need to connect. I feel the need to be touched, to be kissed.”

“Sometimes people … offer to sleep with me as a pity, and I often don’t appreciate that. I want things to be organic and natural,” says Williams.

He much prefers his sessions with Nerdahl, in which he is able to explore physical and emotional intimacy in a non-judgmental and supportive setting, even though it’s something he pays money for.

“I think it freaks people out when we talk about sex and disability because most of the time they haven’t thought about that person in a wheelchair getting laid,” Nerdahl says. “They just assume they don’t have a sex life because they’re in a chair, and that’s just not the case.”

Legal grey area

The stigma is further complicated because Canada’s prostitution laws have no provisions for services that blur the line between rehabilitation and sex work.

Kyle Kirkup is critical of Canada’s current prostitution laws that criminalize the sex trade regardless of context or intent.

Currently, it’s legal to sell sex and sex-related services, but illegal to purchase them. (Sex workers can be charged for advertising services or soliciting services but only if in the vicinity of school grounds or daycare centres.)

Kyle Kirkup, an assistant professor at the University of Ottawa’s Faculty of Law, calls the current laws a “one-size-fits-all approach” that criminalizes the sex trade regardless of context or intent.

The current law doesn’t include provisions for people with disabilities, or which deal specifically with services like Sensual Solutions whose intimacy coaches may come from clinical or rehabilitation backgrounds.

“A person with a disability who purchases sexual services would be treated exactly the same as any other person who purchased sex,” he says.

“So it’s a very kind of blunt instrument that doesn’t actually do a very good job of contextualizing the reasons why people might pay for sex.”

There are other countries, however, such as the Netherlands that view medically assisted sex in another way entirely; sex assistants’ services may be covered by benefits, just like physiotherapy or massage.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What it’s like to be a male sexual surrogate

The Sessions looked at the work of sexual surrogates

By Gareth Rubin

[F]or most adults, sex is an activity that can bring joy, frustration, contentment or disappointment – the full range of human responses. But for a few people, the very thought of sexual contact with another human being causes such anxiety that they can never get close to the act.

For them, psychosexual therapy is usually a good choice. And in a few cases, this can involve a particular form of therapy: use of a sexual surrogate.

Sexual surrogates are trained and professional stand-in partners for men and women who have severe problems getting to an intimate/sexual relationship. Normally, the client will be undergoing counselling with a psychosexual therapist, and then, in parallel with that, will have ‘bodywork’ sessions with a surrogate partner.

Andy, 50, is a psychosexual therapist who also worked as a surrogate for a number of years. Clients tend to be aged from their mid-thirties to around fifty and most came to him through word of mouth. “Some people have never experienced sexual intimacy,” he explains. “I had one client who had never gone beyond kissing.” Others have experienced abuse and have negative connotations around sex or have physiological problems.

“I would usually do between six and ten monthly sessions of three hours each. The first sessions would be about getting comfortable being in a room with a man. So I will say, ‘So you’re in a room with a man, how does that feel for you?’ And perhaps it reminds them of being a teenager so we’ll talk about what that teenage part of them needs – to be more confident, say.”

Although the sessions would build towards penetrative sex, it would be a long way down the line. But some clients want to take things too quickly, he says. “If they want to rush into sexual intimacy or penetration then I’ll slow them down and ask them where that comes from. Most of them do need to slow down because they’re rushing into what they think is the goal of sex.”

After a few sessions, Andy would bring touch into the sessions. “I would ask them what sort of touch they would want to receive. And they might like to receive some sort of massage, fully clothed or partly unclothed. Sometimes we would sit opposite each other on the sofa and find out what happens in her system if one of us leans closer. Does she get excited? Does she want to run away? Does she want to reach out and have more contact?”

Once the client was comfortable with touching, nudity would be introduced. “I might do an undressing process where I would invite them to take off one piece of clothing and each time to name a limiting belief that stops them really enjoying and celebrating their body and allowing pleasure in it. ‘One thing that stops me is my belief that I’m unattractive and my bum’s too big.’ They would take off that piece of clothing and that belief. Then I would offer feedback about what I see, so, ‘Your breasts feel very sensual and feminine to me’.”

Sexual surrogacy has been operating in Britain for a few decades, introduced from America, where it was also the subject of the Oscar-nominated film The Sessions, based on the true story of partially paralysed polio survivor Mark O’Brien and Cheryl Cohen-Greene, the surrogate he worked with to overcome his problems.

While most surrogates are female working with male clients, there are a handful of male surrogates in Britain who work with female clients. Male surrogates tend to be mid-thirties and older.

For many men, being hired to act as an intimate partner for a woman they barely know would be a strange situation. So how did Andy feel during these sessions? “Sometimes it was quite challenging, sometimes engaging, sometimes arousing,” he recalls. “And client reactions were very varied too. Some would feel ashamed, sometimes emotional or physical discomfort. Or they would feel excitement and confidence. It was moment to moment – it’s like how you feel in a relationship, you feel many things.

“It’s an interesting line to walk. There are many clients that I have worked with who I really liked and I enjoyed the work with them both sexually and emotionally but I’m also aware that I’m not there to be in a relationship with them.”

He is glad he did the job but it did cause him difficulties, not least in relationships with his own partners, whom he always made aware of his work. “I supported many women through a very challenging and sometimes life-changing process,” he says. “But I found that ultimately it took too great a toll – energetically, physically and emotionally. I was putting myself in situations of intimacy with a client that I wouldn’t necessarily have chosen. And I found that draining. I would sometimes ask, ‘Why did I do that to myself?'”

Overall he believes they key to sexual surrogacy involves being realistic about what will come of it.

“I think surrogacy is to be entered into with as much self-awareness as the client can muster,” he says. “While it can point them in the right direction, it’s not the answer. Ultimately, they have to find confidence within themselves. It can be a step on that journey.”

Complete Article HERE!

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What It’s Really Like To Be A Hands-On Sex Coach

Celeste & Danielle

By

[M]illions of Americans struggle with sex. We don’t like to talk about our coital troubles, though — so we read Men’s Health and Cosmo in private, hoping that one tip, one magic bullet, will allow us to become sex gods. Maybe sometimes these rapturous new moves work, but more often they lead to disappointment.

So what should you do when you want to be a better lover but don’t have a roadmap of how to get there? Who do you turn to when Hollywood has failed you and x-rated features have filled your head with unrealistic expectations of what sex ought to look like? Sometimes you see a sex therapist or an intimacy coach to talk about your problems. And other times… you need a little bit more. That’s where Celeste Hirschman and Danielle Harel (they’d prefer you just call them Celeste and Danielle) come in. They’re the founders of The Somatica Method, an interactive, experiential approach to sex coaching that helps clients break down emotional barriers connected to sex.

What makes The Somatica Method different than most other forms of sex therapy is that it exists in a place between counseling and sexual surrogacy. While communication is the bedrock of Celeste and Danielle’s practice — because good sex can’t happen without it — the duo also recognizes the importance of the physical realm during sessions, meaning that an appointment with them may include everything from a frank discussion about your sex life to a hands on lesson on how to bite your partner’s neck (they’ll practice with you) or throw them up against the wall (if that’s what you’re both into).

So who should get hands-on sex therapy? Can all of us achieve our dreams of leaving our partners gasping for more? We spoke to Celeste and Danielle about what being a sex coach is really like, what clients can get out of it, and how they handle even the toughest sexual problems.

Sex coaching isn’t just for the sexless.

Picture the type of person you think might seek out a sex coach. Is that person generally happy and healthy? Are they fulfilled in other areas of their lives? Are they already in a relationship? The cultural narrative (and every rom-com that revolves around professionals who helps clients lead better sex lives) suggests that only the strangest, neediest people will pay someone to coach them to be better lovers. That’s simply not true.

Committed couples come in regularly, Danielle tells us. They may seek out services because they have desires that they may not be able to talk about on their own. Or their levels of sexual desire may be vastly different and they want to find a happy medium. And men (both single and partnered) may come in because they’re realizing that being good at sex isn’t all about intercourse.

“Men come in because they want to figure out women,” Danielle says. “They can’t understand their wives or girlfriends or women they want to date and also to overcome physiological challenges including getting hard and controlling their orgasm. They want to be better lovers.”

Women set appointments for different reasons — often to work on pain during sex, to ask for help achieving orgasm, or to talk about low levels of sexual desire. Regardless of the reason, the first step in the Somatica Method is to make sure that no one feels stigmatized.

“There’s already so much shame in our culture about sex,” Celeste tells us. “Even now, when you’re seeing sex everywhere, we still have this underlying idea that sex is dirty or extraneous or unimportant, but the bottom line is we’re all sexual beings. We are wired that way from the beginning, but people have learned that sex is bad from many places. I do feel that we’re raising consciousness around sex and shame and we can see the people we work with get so more relaxed around their sexuality.”

You’re not showing up to have sex.

“When clients first come in we’ll sit and talk for a while to discover their issue,” Danielle tells us. “Then, depending on what the issue is, we’re going to do something experiential in that first session.”

If the word experiential sounds daunting, you may be relieved (or disappointed) to know that it’s much less scary than you think. No one’s going to demand that you undress. Instead, Danielle says, the practitioner may start with deep breathing exercises to get the client to feel more in their body and connect with themselves in a way that ignites erotic energy. Sometimes, the experiential portion of the session may include learning how to make eye contact (terrifying for many) or working on relaxing in sexual situations.

“It could be just talking about their fantasies or what turns them on,” Danielle says. “That’s an experience that so many people have never had in a safe nonjudgemental environment.”

That place of non-judgment is essential to the practice. Because most of us have grown up thinking of sex as something shameful (or only reserved for the very attractive and well-endowed). We forget that all of us are entitled to have good sex and not be ashamed to explore the things that turn us on, whether that be BDSM or 20 minutes in the missionary position.

“A lot of what we bring to the approach,” Celeste says, “is celebratory, fun, and exciting, and we stay away from shaming people’s desires. We are normalizing what they are experiencing in all different areas of sex and desire, which is very helpful as it gives them a different perspective about how they can embrace themselves and transform in the ways they want to.

Here’s how this works: Imagine you’re a dude coming in to work on the issue of premature ejaculation (common! Normal! Will happen at least once to most of us!). The first thing your sex coach will do is demystify the experience and explain that because masturbation is viewed as something shameful that needs to be hidden, many men condition themselves to orgasm as quickly as possible, not recognizing that this kind of pattern will affect their sex lives, and then, when they do involve themselves in romantic situations, they end up not feeling adequate.

“I had this young guy who really thought he was supposed to be able to stay hard and not ejaculate for like an hour,” Danielle laughs. “No, honey, that’s not going to happen like that. It’s not realistic. We do a reality check around that.”

And then the work really begins. Once Celeste and Danielle (they work with clients individually) pinpoint the problem, they’ll teach a client how to slow his or her body down, how to touch, and how to relax and enjoy sexual experiences.

“We see many couples,” Danielle says, “many times one partner says, ‘You have to teach them how to do that, you have to teach her to respond the way you respond.’”

But the sessions are sex-y.

While traditional sexological bodywork is a one-way street when it comes to touch (the practitioner does touch the client’s naked body, often with a glove on), Somatica is different in that the practitioner and the client touch each other. The clothes stay on, but instead of manual touch (just physical training), the client and the therapist work on both sexual and relationship techniques to prepare the client for the real thing.

“You’re learning everything from emotional connection and communication to erotic connection,” Celeste says. “A client could be learning about passion by practicing with us throwing each other up against the wall, or they could be learning about romance with tender, gentle touch. You’re learning different energies of erotic connection but also seduction and how to be more in your body in an erotic way. There’s a huge set of experiential tools we use to help people be fully realized sexually and emotionally in relationships.”

Wait up, throwing each other against walls?

“If you just think about it,” Danielle says, “we have this idea that we’re supposed to know those things and to do them. Spontaneously. How the heck are we going to get that information?”

Only the movies come to mind.

“You know there’s technique to everything.” Danielle continues. “You can really learn how to bring the right energy, you can learn how to say the right words, and touch in a way that’s going to make someone feel arousal and turn on. We see some of it in the movies, but we don’t get the full picture or the ‘How To’ – they cut out so many of the most important aspects of sexual connection.”

Media representations of sex tell us one of two stories: The first features people who, by some preternatural means, have become master lovers. We don’t know how, we don’t know why. We just know they’re good at what they do. They know how to kiss, to nibble on ears, and, yes, even throw each other up against walls in ways that are sexy and dominating without being creepy.

The second story is more awkward: We either see people go from ugly ducklings into sex monsters in a brief montage or we never see them get there at all. They live in a world where sex is awkward and strange but enjoyable with the right person. Celeste and Danielle, however, are trying to tell a third story — the one in which even the most insecure people learn to feel comfortable and confident within their own bodies.

“People think we’re going to do role-play, so it seems like it’s going to feel phony,” Celeste says, “but we show up really authentically. When I’m practicing with somebody I’m Celeste. I’m not practicing, ‘Let’s pretend that I’m so and so.’ It’s a very real, very beautiful connection that we share with our clients.”

That connection helps smooth over any nerves, even when you’re doing something that sounds silly or challenging.

“When you first throw somebody up against the wall, yeah there’s definitely going to be some awkwardness and some laughter,” Celeste continues, “but we practice. When somebody comes into my office, they’re not going to practice it one time. We’re going to do it eight times, ten times. By the end, it’s like, “Whoa, that was really hot, you are sensual and you’re turning me on and it’s super exciting. I think any learning curve can have some awkwardness and discomfort to it but the outcome is so profound and fun that I think people are willing to go through the awkwardness.”

And the coaches do get turned on…

With all this talk about being authentic, we wanted to know the answer to the age-old question when it comes to any kind of work in which sex is involved: Is the practitioner aroused?

Turns out, that’s not just a hazard of the job; it’s the goal.

“The best feedback that we can give clients is our turn on, and we’re not faking it,” Danielle says seriously. “We’re letting ourselves respond authentically and get aroused. We’re teaching them how to seduce us and turn us on because that’s the best learning that they’re going to get, an authentic and real response. They really appreciate it, because men especially, very rarely they get gentle and real feedback that points them in the right direction.”

“I had a client in my office the other day and I was teaching him how to bite the back of my neck,” Celeste adds. “We were taking turns and it was so arousing. I was like, ‘Yay, this is my job.’”

But there are clear limits. Bites on the neck? Appropriate. Erotic touch? Part of the process. Kissing? Celeste and Danielle don’t do that, because it’s important to set boundaries when you’re doing this work. “Besides,” Celeste says, “there are other ways to learn how to be a good kisser.” (Yes, this can sometimes involve practicing on hands.)

Even couples have to keep it PG: “They’re making out and touching each other,” Danielle says. “They can kiss each and they can put their hands underneath each others clothing, stuff that we can’t do with them in session. But they don’t get naked.”

Hey, just more excitement for when they get home.

Speaking of boundaries, they’re a cornerstone of a sex coach’s work.

Sure, part of Celeste and Danielle’s job is to teach clients how to turn them — and others — on in order to benefit the client, but another huge part of their work is making sure that clients understand that relationships have boundaries.

“We have a relationship with our clients and it can be a very strong and beautiful attachment,” Celeste says seriously, “but it still stays within the confines of our practice and the boundaries of the session. We’re not seeing our clients outside of session, not going to dinner or dates with them. You can have this beautiful authentic connection with someone and then support them, encourage them to really go out and find that in their lives as well.”

But that doesn’t mean that all clients are so receptive to these boundaries. Some may not be ready for the type of healing Celeste and Danielle offer, others may become jealous due to the nature of the coaching.

“I think in any coach or therapist’s history there are times when things come up that are particularly challenging within the relationship,” Celeste says. “We try to keep the boundaries and try to make sure everybody’s okay in those relationships, but sometimes things don’t go well. It’s almost impossible when you’re working at this level of intimacy for that not to happen sometimes. Danielle and I always try to repair, whenever repair is possible.”

In fact, Celeste and Danielle say that the hurt and jealousy that client experience — especially when the work gets intense — is another learning experience. As is the reconnection that the pair attempt with their clients after such a rupture. Not only can it lead to more strengthened relationships, but, as Danielle points out, it can help clients understand that being part of a couple isn’t perfect all the time. It’s not about never fighting, she says, it’s about being able to repair and reconnect after conflict arises.

At the end of the day, though (and they’re long days!), Celeste and Danielle can’t imagine doing anything else. “I think being in such deep and intimate connection with so many wonderful people, seeing them grow and transform and seeing their lives get better, is so fulfilling,” Celeste says.

“I like the realness of it,” Danielle adds. “I don’t need to try and pretend that I’m someone else. I can be real in the relationship. I really love that.”

Complete Article HERE!

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Life as a sex worker for people with disabilities

By Vanessa Brown

WHEN Fleur first started working in the sex industry, receiving a phone call from a parent or guardian on behalf of a potential client was “unusual”.

“It’s not an experience that many people have to go through, arranging a sexual experience on the behalf of someone else,” she told news.com.au.

Miss Fleur, as she calls herself, became a sex worker at 18. Ten years later, she’s built up a diverse client base, including many people with disabilities.

“In a lot of ways, there’s no difference,” Fleur said of her clients. “I’m dealing with adults who have a fantasy that they haven’t been able to explore. The main thing that’s different is that sometimes, but not always, appointments are facilitated through parents or carers.

“Carers listen to their clients and take their needs seriously. But it’s not that these people are arranging appointments without consent. They are doing it on the instruction of the person with the disability.”

Rachel Wotton
Rachel Wotton is a sex worker who works with people with disabilities.

About 4 million Australians, or one in five people, are living with a disability. More than million of these people are aged between 15 and 64.

In Australia and overseas, disability advocacy groups are trying to raise awareness about disabled people and sex.

Veteran sex worker Rachel Wotton is one of the co-founders of Touching Base, an organisation that allows people with disabilities to connect with sex workers.

She says the stigma surrounding the sex lives of people with disabilities is disheartening.

“It’s ridiculous. Just because someone can’t walk the same way as others, or doesn’t have the same technique to use their voice, doesn’t mean they haven’t got the same sexual desires as other people,” Ms Wotton told news.com.au.

“We are sexual human beings. How dare someone tell another person how they should or should not feel. The most beautiful thing about skin to skin contact is the idea of being.

“People need to move away from the idea that sex is intercourse. Our sexuality is expressed in many different ways,” said Ms Wotton, who has worked in the industry for more than 20 years and was featured in the documentary Scarlet Road.

achel’s client John died in November 2011. They both appeared in the documentary Scarlet Road.
Rachel’s client John died in November 2011. They both appeared in the documentary Scarlet Road.

Her clients live with a wide range of disabilities. One of her regulars, 61-year-old Colin Wright, came from a family that didn’t talk about sex. In the SBS documentary I Have Cerebral Palsy and I Enjoy Having Sex, Colin revealed that he found his first sexual partner through a carer.

“There was a lady who I felt close to so, one day, while we were alone, I asked Kerry if she would organise for me to visit a lady,” he told SBS. “To my surprise, straight away, she said ‘yes’.”

Ms Wotton says this is common in her line of work.

“Imagine if you had to ring your mother or carer and say ‘this is what I’d like to do, can you help me?’” Ms Wotton said.

“Imagine the fear of opening up about your sexual desires, as a middle-aged man or woman, to your family. Some of the parents have been amazing, and really work through this stigma. It’s very brave of them.”

Colin Wright is a client of Rachel Wotton.
Colin Wright is a client of Rachel Wotton.

When a carer or parent contacts a sex worker or sex work organization, they must provide the worker with complete consent from the client before the appointment can be scheduled.

“If someone’s father organises for me to see their adult son, I don’t care if he has paid me money. I’m going to make sure my client is consenting to the services,” she said.

“The only person who can give consent is the very person themselves. No one can give consent on their behalf.

“Some clients will contact me directly. Otherwise it’s parents or carers or support workers contacting on behalf of someone.”

Ms Wotton says the same protocols apply to any other service.

“It’s like any other appointment. The client is asking for available times, payment options, letting them know if it’s a home appointment and we discuss the disability of the client.

“The appointment is set up exactly the same as if they were ringing up for a dental appointment, hairdressing appointment or a tattoo,” she said.

“Of course people are nervous, because they have to speak with a sex worker and because of the myths around the industry. But once they talk to us, they see that we are general members of society like anyone else.”

Rachel 2
Rachel Wotton has been a sex worker for over 20 years.

Ms Wotton and her colleagues will spend a good percentage of the discussion talking about what they can and can’t do with their clients.

“There is a stigma around sex work that we will do anything. That’s not true. We are negotiating, it’s a mutually consensual adult activity,” she said.

“People often think that if they can’t verbalise yes or no, they can’t give consent. That’s just ridiculous because there are so many ways that people can communicate. There’s boards, eye movement, nodding heads, hand signals, apps and even iPads.

“We know how people consent when they understand what services and experiences they are consenting to. They have the right to withdraw consent, and that’s for the sex worker as well.

“The sexual desires of those with a disability are in line with the rest of society. It’s as far as their imaginations go.”

Fleur says more education is needed about the sex lives of disabled people.

“Adults with disabilities have all the same needs and desires as anyone else,” she said.

“I think people should take a moment to think about their own lives, and if their needs and desires would change if they became disabled. We are only a car accident away from it.”

Rachel uses a board with her late client, Mark.
Rachel uses a board with her late client, Mark.

Touching Base is a charitable organisation that requires support from the public to continue their work. More information can be found here.

Complete Article HERE!

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Review: An Intimate Life: Sex, Love and My Journey as a Surrogate Partner

Hey sex fans!

I have another swell sex-positive book to tell you about today. Anyone who frequents this site will already be familiar with my dear friend and esteemed colleague, Cheryl Cohen Greene. If ya don’t believe me type her name into the search function in the sidebar to your right and PRESTO!

Not only will you find the fabulous two-part SEX WISDOM podcast we did together, (Part 1 is HERE! And Part 1 is HERE!) you will find a posting about the movie The Sessions. You’ve seen it right? It’s the award-winning film staring John Hawkes, Helen Hunt, and William H. Macy. It’s the story of a man in an iron lung who wishes to lose his virginity.  He contacts a professional surrogate partner with the help of his therapist and priest. Ms. Hunt plays Cheryl, the surrogate partner in the movie

Cheryl also contributed a chapter on sex and intimacy concerns for sick, elder and dying people for my book, The Amateur’s Guide To Death And Dying.

With all that as a preface, I now offer you Cheryl’s own story: An Intimate Life: Sex, Love, and My Journey as a Surrogate Partner. The first thing I want to say is this book is it’s not a clinical or technical tome. It is an easily accessible memoir. And that, to my mind, is what makes it so fascinating.

She writes in the Introduction:An Intimate Life

I started this work in 1973, and my journey to it spans our society’s sexual revolution and my own. I grew up in the ‘40s and ‘50s, a time when sex education was—to put it mildly— lacking. As I educated myself, I found that most of what I had been taught about sex was distorted or wrong. The lessons came from the playground, the church, and the media. My parents could barely talk about sex, much less inform me about it.

What follows is a candid and often funny look into the personal and professional life of a woman on the cutting edge of our culture’s movement toward sexual wellbeing.

Cheryl comes out of her conservative Catholic upbringing and her often tortured family dynamics with what one would expect—her own sexual awakenings as well as the conspiracy of ignorance and repression that wanted to stifle it. This is a common story, the story of so many of us.

Starting when I was around ten, I masturbated and brought myself to orgasm nearly every night. … If my nights began with anxiety, my days began with guilt. I became convinced that every earache, every toothache, every injury was God punishing me. … I couldn’t escape his gaze or his wrath. Sometimes I imagined my guardian angel looked away in disgust as I touched myself and rocked back and forth in my bed.

The miracle here is that this troubled tween would blossom into the remarkable sexologist she is today.

rsz_1greenecherylSome of the chapters in her book describe one or another of her hands on therapeutic encounters as a surrogate partner, but equally important and compelling are the chapters that describe Cheryl’s own sexual struggles as she moved to adulthood and beyond. Cheryl’s acceptance of her own sexuality enables her to build a career out of helping others do the very same thing.

Everyone has a right to satisfying, loving sex, and, in my experience, that most often flows from strong communication, self-respect, and a willingness to explore.

Despite the frank discussion of sexual topics within the book, there is no prurience or sensationalism. For the most part, Cheryl’s clients are regular people, mostly men, who have pretty ordinary problems—erection and/or ejaculation concerns, dating difficulties, as well as self-esteem, guilt and shame issues. Cheryl helps each of her clients with the efficiency and confidence of the world-class sex educator she is. Most of her interaction involves her supplying her clients with some much-needed information, dispelling myths, and giving them permission to experiment. As she says;

I continue to be amazed at how solid education delivered without judgment can eradicate much of the guilt and shame that turns life in the bedroom into a struggle instead of a pleasure.

Her most famous client, Mark O’Brien, the 36-six-year-old man who had spent most of his life in an iron lung after contracting polio at age 6, was the author of How I Became a Human Being: A Disabled Man’s Quest for Independence, in which he writes about his experience with Cheryl. This, of course, was adapted into a film, The Sessions, which I mentioned above. For her part, Cheryl delivers a most poignant remembrance of Mark early in her book.

I explained Sensual Touch to Mark. Although he was paralyzed, he still had sensation all over his body, so he would feel my hands moving up and down. … I encouraged him to try and recognize four common reactions: feeling neutral, feeling nurtured, feeling sensual and feeling sexual.

An Intimate Life chronicles Cheryl’s life-long interest in human sexuality. Her life and sometimes-turbulent loves are on display, but in the most considerate fashion. She teaches by example. She’s even able to speak with great compassion of her time living with and through cancer.

As I inch toward seventy, I appreciate more and more how much I have to be grateful for and how fortunate I’ve been. I was lucky to find a wonderful career and to be surrounded by so many smart, adventurous, caring people. My personal sexual revolution auspiciously paralleled our culture’s, and in many ways was made possible by it. I am eternally grateful to the pioneers, rebels, and dreamers who made our society a little safer for women who embrace their sexuality.

There is so much I loved about this book, but mostly it’s the humanity I found in abundance. Cheryl’sdr.-cheryl-cohen-greene enlightened soul shines brightly from every page. Her no nonsense approach to all things sexual is an inspiration. And her perseverance to bring surrogate partner therapy into the mainstream is laudable.

…what separates surrogates from prostitutes is significant. When people have difficulties grasping [that], I turn to my beloved and late friend Steven Brown’s cooking analogy that I’ve so often relied on to help me through that question: Seeing a prostitute is like going to a restaurant. Seeing a surrogate is like going to culinary school.

Finally, An Intimate Life is the culmination of Cheryl’s life as a sex educator, her surrogate partner therapy practice being just part of that mission. I highly recommend you read this book. You will, I assure you, come away from it as I have, a better person—enriched, informed, as well as entertained.

Cheryl, thank you for being in my life and being such an abiding inspiration. Thank you too for this marvelous book; now you can be in the lives of so many others who need you so that you can inspire them along their way.

Be sure to visit Cheryl on her site HERE!

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Sobriety & Sex

Name: Gregg
Gender: Male
Age: 40
Location: Seattle
Since getting sober now almost 8 years ago I am very tense about sex and I feel as though I have lost my mojo. I am unable to relax and be intimate with a man and I am thinking I need an intimacy coach or sex coach, or something. Perhaps someone with tantra training who can help me find a comfort level with my body again and being touched and touching another.

Hey, thanks for your interesting question. Sadly, yours is not an uncommon concern. In fact, I just finished an 8-week group for men in recovery who were dealing with similar intimacy issues. A lot of the work we did together was helping one another reestablish a sense of trust.

legs & bootsSo many of us gay men start out our sexual lives with alcohol and/or drugs to help us overcome our inhibitions as well as a means of dulling some of the anti-gay messaging that comes to us from the world around us. Sometimes, the substances take hold of us and instead of we being in control the substances are in control. There was one guy in the group I just mentioned who is in his 5o’s, and he confessed to the group that before he got clean and sober, a couple years ago, he had never had sex sober. And he had been sexually active since his early twenties.

Substance abuse can rob us of more than just our dignity. It often effects our sexual response cycle in ways that diminish our ability to enjoy our sexuality. Men often report erection problems and women report arousal phase problems when they come off booze and or drugs. This, as you suggest, impacts on our comfort level in all intimate situations. If our parts aren’t working like we would want them to, we’d rather avoid intimate contact rather than be embarrassed. So, in other words, when we rid ourselves of the substances that once enabled us, we often need to relearn how to be ourselves, particularly in intimate situations.

Learning to trust others enough to open ourselves to others, even with our “brokenness,” is the key to regaining our sense of sexual self. We need to learn how to overcome our shame, which often gets in the way of reaching out to others. And if some of our shame is unresolved internalized homophobia, well then, we really have some work to do.tit bite

I think you’ve hit upon the perfect solution to your pressing problem. Working with a sex coach or intimacy coach is definitely one way to go. For those challenged, as you are, verbal therapy is great. But there is no substitute for actual hands-on therapy.

I know several people who have been helped by a surrogate partner or a sexual healer. I applaud you for thinking so creatively. Of course, finding the right person to work with will be a challenge. And I should mention that other helping professionals, even some sexologists, do not always look upon these kinds of interventions as legitimate. That’s a pity, but what are ya gonna do.

As you know, there are loads of sex workers out there. Unfortunately, very few have the training needed to provide surrogate partner therapy, or understand the delicate issues that a trained sexual healer must deal with. I hope you find what you are looking for.

If you need someone to discuss this with further, give me a shout. You’ll find my contact information on either the ABOUT page or the THERAPY AVAILABLE page in the header above.

Good luck

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More SEX WISDOM With Dr Cheryl Cohen Greene — Podcast #327 — 04/04/12

[Look for the podcast play button below.]

Hello sex fans! Welcome back.

Renowned sexologist and surrogate partner therapist, Dr Cheryl Cohen Greene is back with us today to dispense more of her signature SEX WISDOM. And if you thought last week’s show was marvelous, as so many of you did, you’re gonna love today’s show even more.

But wait; you didn’t miss Part 1 of our conversation, did you? Well not to worry if you did, because you will find it and all of my shows in the podcast archive right here on my site. All ya gotta do is use the site’s search function in the header, type in podcast #326 and Voilà! But don’t forget to use the #sign when you do your search.

Cheryl and I discuss:

  • The blind spots some therapists have regarding surrogate partner therapy;
  • IPSA surrogate training;
  • Recommending this work to others;
  • What she looks for in others considering a career as a surrogate partner;
  • Sex positions;
  • Sexual compulsions and obsessions;
  • Sex toys;
  • Keeping things interesting for couples in long-term relationships;
  • Who inspires her and her sexual heroes;
  • Advice for the aspiring sexologist.

 

Cheryl invites you to visit her on her site HERE! Find her on Facebook HERE and her noteworthy blog HERE!

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: DR DICK’S — HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY.

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SEX WISDOM With Dr Cheryl Cohen Greene — Podcast #326 — 03/28/12

[Look for the podcast play button below.]

Hello sex fans! Welcome back.

Holy cow, do I have a fantastic show in store for you today. Despite the numerous remarkable guests that have appeared on this the SEX WISDOM series, there’s no one who can lay a hand on today’s guest. I’m so pleased to welcome my good friend, my trusted colleague and my bosom buddy for nearly 20 years, the amazing Dr Cheryl Cohen Greene. I can’t wait for you to meet her, because I know you will love her as much as I do.

Cheryl is a fellow sexologist, however her career path has been significantly different than mine. She is certified surrogate partner, don’t cha know. And she’s been working as such for 38 years. She is renowned in her field, so much so that she and one of her former clients are the subjects of a major motion picture, staring John Hawkes, Helen Hunt and William H. Macy, which comes out later this year. You can be certain that I will press Cheryl for all the juicy details.

Cheryl and I discuss:

  • How we met;
  • Her lengthy career;
  • The shift from sex surrogate to surrogate partner;
  • Her friend and colleague Shai Rotem;
  • Common issues she sees in her practice;
  • Role modeling good relationships;
  • Her former client, poet and journalist, Mark O’Brian;
  • Being at Sundance for the movie premiere;
  • Surrogate as sex worker;
  • The legality of surrogate partner work;
  • Surrogate partner training;
  • How prospective clients find her.

Cheryl invites you to visit her on her site HERE! Find her on Facebook HERE and her noteworthy blog HERE!

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously, or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s podcast is bought to you by: Hot Plus Size Lingerie.
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More of Luc Wylder – Podcast #230 – 09/15/10

[Look for the podcast play button below.]

Hey sex fans,

Luc Wylder is back with Part 2 of his SEX WISDOM podcast series appearance. Luc hasn’t rested on his porn laurels, no siree! He and his beautiful porn star wife, Alexandra Silk, are well on their way to becoming IPSA certified sex surrogates.  What a way to give back to the community, you guys! We hear all about this new adventure and more fascinating stories a la Luc.

But wait; did you miss Part 1 of our conversation that appeared here last week at this time? Well not to worry if ya did, because you can find it and all my podcasts in my Podcast Archive. All ya gotta do is use the search function at the top of the page type in Podcast #229 and VOILÀ! But don’t forget the #sign when you do your search.

Luc and I discuss:

  • Being married to Alexandra Silk;
  • Porn’s ethical footprint;
  • Swinging and Polyamory;
  • Workshops on keeping long-term relationships fresh and exciting;
  • Becoming an IPSA certified sex surrogate;
  • Hands-on therapy in conjunction with a verbal therapist;
  • Sensate focus exercises for staying in the sensual moment;
  • Sexual techniques can be taught and learned.

Luc invites you to visit him on his site HERE! And look for all his movies HERE!

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: Fleshlight & FleshJack.

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More of Shai Rotem – Podcast #181 – 01/20/10

[Look for the podcast play button below.]

Hey sex fans,

We’re back with my guest Shai Rotem, and Part 2 of our conversation about surrogate partner therapy; or as it is otherwise known as, sex surrogacy.  And this, my pretties, is the brand-spankin’ new SEX WISDOM podcast series, where we chat with renowned researchers, educators, clinicians, pundits and philosophers; who are making news and reshaping how we look at our sexual selves.

Did you happen to miss the inaugural program in this series? Not to worry!  Part 1 of my conversation with Shai is archived right here on my site.  Use the search function to your right, type in podcast #179 and PRESTO!  Be sure to use the #sign when you search.

Shai and I discuss:

  • How one becomes a certified surrogate partner.
  • IPSA training and supervision.
  • His work history; beginning in Israel.
  • How his clients find him.
  • Common myths of surrogate partner therapy.
  • His role as mentor and advisor to and trainer of other surrogates.
  • What the future holds for him and his work.

Shai invites you to learn more about surrogate partner therapy by visiting the International Professional Surrogates Association’s website HERE!

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: Eden Fantasys.

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