Category: Sexual Compulsions

Posted on

9 Benefits of Sex Therapy

—The benefits of sex therapy are multiple and go beyond those related to sexual dysfunctions. Take note of all the information.

By Valeria Sabater

Currently, a significant part of the population is unaware of all the benefits of sex therapy. There’s still a certain stigma and the classic belief that only those who present some dysfunction, such as anorgasmia or premature ejaculation, go to these professionals. However, this methodology addresses multiple dynamics and needs.

It’s important to know that its most relevant purpose is to make you feel good. Such an objective implies achieving everything from having satisfactory intimate relationships to building happier bonds with your partner.

Addressing concerns and possible traumas or even giving you guidelines to guide your adolescent children on issues related to sex are also some of the benefits of sex therapy. In this article, we’ll explain everything this form of therapy does for you.

What are the benefits of sex therapy?

Sex therapy was developed in the 1960s, thanks to the marriage of William Masters and Virginia Johnson. Their book, Human Sexual Response (1966), was quite revolutionary because it broke down many prejudices and taboos. Since then, this approach has been strengthened, and it integrates the medical model with the psychological one.

The technique is feasible both for individuals and for couples and is based on conversation that creates a framework of trust from which to provide solutions and tools for having a more harmonious life on both emotional and sexual levels. In addition, it has great scientific endorsement and, every day, contributes to recovering the well-being of thousands of people. Below, we’ll describe the main benefits of sex therapy.

1. It contributes to having a more satisfying sex life

Sex life with your partner may no longer be as exciting or satisfying as it used to be. Sometimes, without any physiological problem, there’s something wrong and it’s difficult to restore that special harmony you used to share. A work published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior indicates that one of the most common causes for which therapy is sought is a discrepancy in sexual desire.

The fact that one partner in the relationship wants to have sex more often, while the other avoids it, is common. Therefore, something a sex therapist will guide and help you with is having a full intimate life. This implies resolving any difficulties, disagreements, or inconveniences in this area.

2. The treatment of sexual problems

Throughout our lives, people can go through different sexual problems. Sometimes it’s a difficulty in achieving an orgasm, while, in other cases, conditioning factors such as menopause, times of stress, or suffering from a disease play a part when it comes to enjoying intimate relationships.

Mayo Clinic Proceedings reports something important in a study. A significant portion of sexual dysfunctions in women go unrecognized and untreated. Men are also often reticent on this issue. For this reason, it’s important for society to become aware of the benefits of sexual therapy. Next, we’ll go into detail about the conditions that the methodology usually addresses:

  • Phobias
  • Paraphilias and sexual fixations
  • Vaginismus
  • Premature ejaculation
  • Male impotence
  • Hypoactive sexual disorder
  • Female Orgasmic Disorder
  • Male Orgasmic Disorder
  • Possible sexual addictions
  • Sexual problems in menopause
  • Dyspareunia (painful intercourse)
  • Sexual difficulties associated with aging
  • Sexual problems associated with other diseases
  • Improving the sex life of couples during and after pregnancy
  • Improving the sex life of people with physical or psychological disabilities

3. Discovery of the most powerful sexual organ

The most decisive sexual organ is your brain, and the best way to have a satisfying sex life is to stimulate your imagination. In this way, some aspects that you’ll work on in therapy are your fantasies and desires.

These dimensions are extraordinary channels for awakening eroticism and enlivening your relationship as a couple, deactivating prejudices, and dismissing shame.

4. Reducing fears and anxiety

Have you heard of sexual performance anxiety? There are many people who doubt their ability to offer pleasure to their partners. The fear of not being up to the task, failing, or appearing clumsy or inexperienced is a frequent reality in clinical practice.

For this reason, one of the benefits of sex therapy is to address fears related to sex. There are multiple strategies that make it easier to effectively resolve insecurities in order to have a rewarding sex life.

Likewise, therapists always create a space of empathy, security, and trust from which to clarify your doubts and receive effective advice in any area. Psychoeducation on sexual matters also falls within their tasks.

The pharmaceutical industry seeks to provide a solution to sexual dysfunctions that can be addressed through sex therapy. Many of the problems in this area have more to do with mental factors than with physiological conditions.

5. Overcoming sexual trauma

An article in the scientific journal Frontiers in Psychology highlights that patients with sexual trauma need a special type of care that provides adequate security and respect for their personal history. Sex therapy has always addressed such delicate realities as abuse, rape, or mistreatment in couple relationships.

6. Enhanced intimacy and emotional connection

Authentic pleasure in sex doesn’t occur in the body but originates in the brain, as we’ve already suggested. If you’re in crisis with your partner and there are unaddressed grudges or disagreements, it’ll be difficult to enjoy intimacy. Given this, a sex therapist guides you to promote coexistence and connection with your loved one through the following strategies:

  • Teaching resources to solve problems
  • Offering techniques that improve communication
  • Providing strategies to revive desire in the relationship
  • Facilitating spaces in which partners can get to know each other in a more intimate and profound way
  • Collaborating in better regulating emotions in order to connect in a meaningful way

7. Sex therapy allows you to get to know yourself much better

One of the most notable benefits of sex therapy is its impact on your mental health. Sex goes beyond the biological field: It’s also a psychological dimension and, above all, a cultural one. Sometimes, the way you’re educated or even the prejudices you have on this subject condition your ability to enjoy a full life in this regard.

The specialist in this area will allow you to explore and get to know yourself better as a person. You’ll be able to understand your sexuality, fantasies, and desires. No matter your age or the personal moment in which you find yourself, you always have time to look within yourself, drop your defenses, reformulate misconceptions about sex, and enjoy it.

8. It’s an inclusive therapy

Today’s sex therapy is also inclusive. What does this mean? You can find therapists trained in sexual diversity. McGill University in Montreal alludes to the advances that exist right now. This clinical field moves with our times and works to challenge stereotypes and promote a more inclusive and equitable vision of sexuality.

In this way, members of the LGBTIQ+ community benefit from more sensitive, trained, and effective attention to their particular needs and realities.

9. The prevention of future problems

Sex therapy not only addresses problems and educates us in the field of sexuality, but it also has a decisive role in prevention. Even if right now you feel good in your life as a couple and have good intimate health, it never hurts to learn new tools to avoid or address possible future problems.

Knowing, for example, how daily stress affects sexuality or how to respond to monotony in your emotional bond through new approaches are strategies that therapists educate you.

How to find a sex therapist who can help me?

Remember, you don’t have to wait for serious problems in order to start sex therapy. It’s best to go as soon as you have a concern or doubts or don’t feel satisfaction with your intimate life. If you want to look for a therapist in this area, look at the fields in which they specialize. There are some professionals who exclusively address organic or medical aspects.

However, most are prepared to treat both possible dysfunctions and relational problems and advise you on any aspect related to sexuality. Always contact specialists who follow techniques backed by science and don’t forget the most decisive thing: Being honest. Don’t be afraid to express your needs and concerns. Only then will you receive the best care possible.

It might interest you…

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

‘I’m a Sex Therapist and These Are the Most-Common Questions Couples Ask Me’

By Helen Carefoot

Sex is an important part of most romantic relationships, yet it can be confusing, emotionally charged, and not necessarily easy to navigate as a couple—two peoples’ questions, conundrums, and hangups can make for uncomfortable bed fellows. But this is where getting advice from a sex therapist can be beneficial. And suffice it to say there are lots of questions couples ask sex therapist that everyone could benefit from having answers to.

“Most of us don’t receive sex-positive, explicit sex education,” sex and relationships expert Megan Fleming, PhD, previously told Well+Good. “Too often, couples get caught up in scripted sex or sex that doesn’t feel worth having. Sex therapy gets back to the basics of giving and receiving pleasure.”

A sex therapist can also provide guidance and education on intimacy, as well as provide strategies for increasing desire and pleasure. Plus, they can help to identify any underlying issues that may be contributing to sexual dissatisfaction or lack of sexual fulfillment for both partners.

Joy Berkheimer, LMFT is used to fielding all sorts of questions from the couples who come to her, and she’s sharing the top queries she receives below.

1. How often are people really having sex?

A major topic of curiosity among Berkheimer’s coupled clients is how much sex other people have in comparison to them. She says this usually comes from one person having an opinion about how much sex they’re having and that sometimes they look for her to agree with or validate them; she suspects that that this topic gets discussed before their visit. “They really want [that question] answered in front of the other partner,” she says.

When this question comes up, Berkheimer says she shifts the focus back to the couple and away from others to avoid comparisons, which she calls “literally the thief of all joy,” and which can decrease self-esteem and confidence. “I bring it back to them and say, ‘I would prefer to compare your sex life [now] to your sex life before and not to others peoples’ sex lives because that’s healthier,” she says.

And while she has statistics she can share about how much and how often others report having sex, she emphasizes that those numbers depend on a variety of unique reasons that are different from what others have going on.

2. If don’t desire my partner sexually, does it mean I don’t love them?

Berkheimer says that love and sexual desire aren’t always in lockstep and that “one really may have nothing to do with the other.” This sentiment doesn’t necessarily mean you should break up with your partner—and it doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner—but it’s worth digging into because it means “something has shifted,” she says.

“It may mean that something has changed in terms of your needs or that your partner has changed, and so, therefore, the person that you were attracted to is not present.”—Joy Berkheimer, sex therapist

There are all sorts of reasons for these shifts. “It may mean that something has changed in terms of your needs or that your partner has changed, and so, therefore, the person that you were attracted to is not present,” she says. Changes in life circumstances and stressors, appearance, demeanor, personality can all play a role in this. Adjustments may need to be made.

3. How do I build intimacy in my relationship?

True intimacy, which Berkheimer defines as “trusting someone with your vulnerability and letting them see you,” is paramount to healthy and fulfilling partnerships. And physical intimacy, which includes sex, is one of the five types of intimacy that can strengthen a relationship, and Berkheimer says her couples are curious about how to build and maintain intimacy in their relationships.

When question about intimacy arise, Berkheimer homes in on two key points and, in turn, asks the couple these questions: First, if they spend time intentionally building intimacy with one another, and second whether something has happened in the relationship that makes it tough for one partner to be vulnerable and trusting of the other.

For couples who haven’t dedicated time to intimacy, Berkheimer typically recommends tantric practices to her clients to get things going. Tantra is an ancient spiritual practice that seeks to combine the energies of the physical and spiritual realms for personal growth and transformation, and the point of these exercises is to create a space for the couple to explore and their desires and to remove the goal of sex to focus on the journey, not the destination.

“The outcome is not ‘I have to have sex,’ it’s ‘I want to be closer to my partner,'” Berkheimer explains. However, she says what’s gained from creating the safe, welcoming space and experimentation will eventually lead to sex.

To address the latter question, Berkheimer asks the couple how the trust and vulnerability can be rebuilt, and helps them do so.

Friendly reminder that these answers from Berkheimer are general jumping off points, and seeing a sex therapist can provide couples with a safe and non-judgmental space to talk openly and honestly about any issues related to sex and intimacy on a deeper level.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

The persistent myth of sex addiction

Either we’re all sex addicts or nobody is

By Hallie Lieberman

According to every online test I’ve taken, I’m a sex addict. And if you took the quizzes, you probably would be too, at least if you answered honestly to questions like “Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts?” “Do you ever feel bad about your sexual behavior?” and “Have you used the internet to make romantic or erotic connections with people online?”

Even if you answered “no” to all these questions, you’re still not off the hook. If you watch porn, you might be a sex addict; If you “often require the use of a vibrator… to enhance the sexual experience” you might be a sex addict; if you spend some of your time “ruminating about past sexual encounters,” you might be a sex addict.

By these standards, nearly all human beings are sex addicts, as a recent study found that 73 percent of women and 85 percent of men had looked at internet porn in the past six months; other studies found that about half of American men and women have used vibrators. Perhaps that is right: sex is one of our strongest drives, and according to one study, the median number of times people think about sex is 10-19 times a day. But pathologizing all of humanity for expressing normal human sexuality is ridiculous in the least and dangerous at the worst. The fact that most people would be considered sex addicts is positive for only one group of people: those employed by the multimillion-dollar sex addiction industry.

Sex addiction treatment forces people into a kind of re-education program, which tries to convince them that perfectly normal consensual sexual behavior is the sign of a serious problem. Some of them are run by Christian pastors, others by licensed professional counselors. In-patient facilities are often located in picturesque areas, like palatial Arizona desert retreats, complete with poolside ping-pong and equine therapy (how nuzzling a horse cures sex addiction is never explained). These programs tell supposed sex addicts that they can reprogram themselves through behavioral modifications to become ideal sexual citizens: monogamous, non-porn-using people who rarely masturbate or fantasize about anyone other than their main partners. Some even take it further and force people to abandon healthy activities like masturbation for 30 days.

If this sounds familiar in a bad way, it might be because some of the same centers that treat sex addiction also offer gay conversion therapy, although they no longer call it that because conversion therapy has been banned for minors in 19 states (instead they say they treat “unwanted same-sex attraction” and “homosexuality/lesbianism“). This sad fact further illuminates the ugly truth behind the sex addiction industry: it’s based on a moralistic judgment on what sexual behaviors are socially acceptable, yet it’s cloaked in a scientific sheen that gives it legitimacy. Although gay conversion therapy is much more harmful, sex addiction treatment is similar in that both are about modifying behavior even though biology and psychology are compelling a person in a different direction.

One key question that appears on nearly all sex addiction quizzes is: “Do you feel that your sexual behavior is not normal?” The problem is, most people don’t know what a “normal” sex life is, and consensual sexual behaviors that are statistically abnormal are not the sign of a disease. As psychologist David Ley has argued in his book, The Myth of Sex Addiction, the criteria for sex addiction “reflect heterosexual and monogamous social values and judgments rather than medical or scientific data.”

Sex addiction isn’t a new concept, it’s a new name for an old one; it falls into a continuum of pathologizing sexual behavior going back to the 19th century when women were labeled nymphomaniacs for behavior we would consider normal today, such as having orgasms through clitoral stimulation. In fact, 21st-century sex addiction therapists sound nearly identical to 19th-century vice reformers.

“Pornography coupled with masturbation and fantasy is often the cornerstone for sexual addiction. This is a dangerous combination …A fantasy world is created, sometimes as early as adolescence, that is visited throughout developmental stages,” says the website of a current therapy center called L.I.F.E. Recovery International. “The sexual addict may use his or her addiction in place of true spirituality — sex becomes the addict’s God,” the website declares.

Similarly, 19th-century vice reformer Anthony Comstock wrote that “Obscene publications” and “immoral articles” [sex toys] are “like a cancer” which “fastens itself upon the imagination…defiling the mind, corrupting the thoughts, leading to secret practices of most foul and revolting character.” He suggested that young adults read the Bible instead of giving into their sexual urges.

Why do we continue to further such an outdated view of sex? Sex addiction is a way to police sexual behavior and impose conventional morality through a seemingly scientific, trendy addiction model. It attempts to slot people into some mythical standard of normal sexuality, one defined by monogamy and devoid of fantasy.

The sex addiction industry persists in spite of the fact that again and again sex addiction has been debunked by experts. Sex addiction isn’t considered legitimate by psychologists; the scientific literature doesn’t back it up; and it isn’t in the DSM-5, the authoritative catalog of mental disorders published by the American Psychiatric Association. Yet therapists benefit financially from sex addiction diagnoses, moralists benefit spiritually from them, and supposed sex addicts benefit practically from them. Sex addiction provides a great excuse for people who engage in socially objectionable sexual behavior (It’s not my fault! I couldn’t help banging the sexy neighbor! I’m an addict! I’ll go to treatment!).

This coincides with the fact that most sex addicts are heterosexual men, so the diagnosis frequently becomes a way to legitimize male sexual behavior, while also sometimes labeling their female partners as enablers. Convicted rapist Harvey Weinstein reportedly checked himself in to an in-patient treatment program after allegations against him were first published in late 2017, a path that many other high-profile men have taken in the wake of scandal.

The concept of sex addiction makes sex seem way more logical than it actually is. It fits into our culture’s view of controlling and constraining sex through rules, like the criminalization of sex work. Hiring a sex worker or engaging in any illegal sexual activities is a sign you’re a sex addict, according to most sex addiction screening tests. Yet, a wide range of more widely accepted sexual behavior is also illegal in the U.S., including having sex with an unmarried person of the opposite sex (a crime in Idaho, Illinois, and South Carolina) and adultery, which is a crime in over a dozen states.

But sex is messy and complicated, and hardwired and controlled by hormones, and no amount of counseling is going to stop you from having sexual urges. The sex addiction model provides a 12-step solution to the messiness of sex and the challenge of monogamy: if you follow these simple steps, the thinking goes, you too can be in control of the strongest biological urge and be free of daily horniness. If only it were that simple.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

What Is Hypersexuality Disorder?

Hypersexuality Disorder, Compulsive Sexual Behavior, and Sex Addiction

By Geralyn Dexter, LMHC

Hypersexuality is defined by an intense urge or desire to engage in various kinds of sexual activity. The terms “sex addiction” and “compulsive sexual behavior” are often used interchangeably with hypersexuality disorder. While sexual desire and activity are part of human nature, it can become problematic when the behavior results in adverse consequences or is used as an escape mechanism.

Read on to learn about symptoms, diagnosis, treatment, and coping with hypersexuality disorder.

Hypersexuality Disorder

Research estimates that between 3%-6% of the population deals with hypersexuality, compulsive sexual behavior, or sex addiction. This may include activities such as:1

  • Excessive masturbation
  • Consensual sexual activity with multiple partners 
  • Pornography use
  • Phone or cyber sex
  • Frequenting strip clubs

Sexual thoughts, urges, or behaviors can have negative consequences when a person is preoccupied with them, and they begin to take up more space in their minds and lives.

Fantasies and urges may feel intrusive, intense, and challenging to change or manage. These compulsions or actions can significantly affect a person’s quality of life and create problems at home, work, school, and relationships.< Additionally, a person with hypersexuality disorder may experience emotional distress, find themselves in financial or legal trouble, or need evaluation or treatment for sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

Symptoms

Compulsive sexual behavior can present differently, as there are different types of sexual behaviors.

Symptoms of hypersexuality disorder or sex addiction may include:

  • Repetitive thoughts, urges, or behaviors that feel unmanageable
  • Strong emotions such as depression, anxiety, shame, guilt, remorse related to behavior
  • Unsuccessful attempts to change, control, or reduce fantasies or behaviors
  • Using sexual behavior as a coping mechanism
  • Continuing to participate in behaviors that have caused significant repercussions
  • Engaging in risky behavior
  • Being untruthful about or trying to hide behavior
  • Trouble establishing or maintaining healthy relationships

Hypersexuality disorder is not included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), the American Psychiatric Association’s handbook for diagnosing mental health conditions. Because of this, mental health professionals go back and forth on how to classify compulsive sexual behavior.

Currently, hypersexuality disorder is characterized similarly to impulse control disorders and behavioral addictions.

Compulsive sexual behavior disorder (CSBD) is classified under the International Classification of Disease, 11th revision (ICD-11), as an impulse control disorder.2 It defines CSBD as a persistent pattern of failure to control intense, repetitive sexual impulses or urges resulting in repetitive sexual behavior. Symptoms include:

  • Repetitive sexual activities become a central focus of the person’s life, to the point of neglecting health and personal care or other interests, activities, and responsibilities.
  • Numerous unsuccessful efforts to significantly reduce repetitive sexual behavior
  • Continued repetitive sexual behavior despite adverse consequences or deriving little or no satisfaction from it
  • A person enters a pattern of failure to control intense sexual impulses or urges, resulting in repetitive sexual behavior that manifests over an extended period (e.g., six months or more). This causes marked distress or significant impairment in personal, family, social, educational, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. It’s important to note that distress that is entirely related to moral judgments and disapproval about sexual impulses, urges, or behaviors is insufficient to meet this requirement.

Causes

More research is needed on the cause of hypersexuality. However, a review of the literature on hypersexual behavior has identified several factors that may lead to hypersexual behavior, including:

Individuals with easy access to sexual content or material may have a higher risk of developing compulsive sexual behavior. Additionally, mental health conditions such as anxiety, depression, or addiction may also be risk factors.3

Risk of Sexually Transmitted Infections

Excessive and unsafe sexual behavior puts a person at greater risk of contracting STIs. Therefore, those with hypersexual behavior should discuss screening for STIs with their healthcare provider and possibly starting pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP) to prevent HIV infection.

Diagnosis

Though hypersexuality disorder is not included in the DSM-5 as a formal diagnosis, clinicians assess patients similarly to how they would for a mental health condition. They may also use the criteria for compulsive sexual behavior disorder in the ICD-11.

Consultation with a medical healthcare provider may be recommended to rule out other conditions before conducting a mental health examination. A healthcare provider will explore a patient’s thought content and behavior related to sex, especially those that feel difficult to control.

To get a complete picture of a patient’s health and how they are impacted by compulsive sexual behavior, a healthcare provider may ask about relationships, substance use, and financial or legal consequences.

Additionally, your provider may ask about significant or stressful life events, feelings of guilt, shame, or remorse, low self-esteem, or use a screening tool to gauge symptoms.4

Treatment

Treatment for compulsive sexual behavior can vary based on the underlying issues. For example, one study revealed that 72% of patients with hypersexual behavior were diagnosed with a mood disorder, 38% had an anxiety disorder, and 40% had substance use issues.5

If a mood disorder, anxiety disorder, or substance use disorder is the cause, a healthcare provider may recommend the following medications:

  • Mood stabilizers: For patients with mood disorders such as bipolar disorder. Hypersexual behavior may occur particularly during a manic episode.
  • Antidepressants: Can reduce urges in individuals with anxiety and depression
  • Naltrexone: Used to manage impulses with alcohol and opioids (sometimes coupled with antidepressants)

Individual, family, or group therapy can occur in inpatient or outpatient settings based on a patient’s needs.

Psychodynamic therapy may help patients identify triggers and examine feelings of guilt, shame, and self-esteem that may contribute to hypersexuality.

In cognitive behavioral therapy, patients learn to recognize unhealthy beliefs about themselves and their sexual behavior, develop tools to manage complex thoughts and emotions, and sustain healthy behaviors. A therapist may introduce techniques from acceptance and commitment therapy to support patients with practicing mindfulness.

Seeking support through a self-help group is another option that a mental health professional may suggest in conjunction with therapy. Based on the 12-step theory, groups like Sex Addicts Anonymous can help people with compulsive sexual behavior find a sense of community in recovery.

When to Call Your Doctor

It may be time to contact your healthcare provider if you:

  • Are worried or distressed about sexual fantasies, urges, or behaviors
  • Have difficulty changing or controlling your actions
  • Experience negative consequences in other areas of your life such as relationships, work, or your health
  • Attempt to hide your behavior
  • Believe your urges or desires may lead you to cause harm to yourself or others

If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or text ‘HOME’ to 741-741 to reach a crisis counselor at the Crisis Text Line.

Coping

Learning to cope with hypersexuality and its impact on your life is essential to recovery. Strategies that may be useful include:

  • Seeking treatment and being consistent with treatment by keeping appointments and communicating concerns and problems with a therapist.
  • Connect with an established support system or join a support group.
  • Engage in activities that promote relaxation, mindfulness, and stress management.
  • Be compassionate with yourself.
  • Have honest conversations with your partner or family members.
  • Explore and set boundaries in your relationships.

Summary

Hypersexuality disorder is characterized by an intense desire to engage in sexual activity. This kind of compulsive sexual behavior can negatively affect your relationships. Treatment and coping options are available to help you live with or recover from hypersexuality disorder.

A Word From Verywell

Feelings of guilt and shame are often associated with compulsive sexual behavior. If you struggle to control sexual fantasies, urges, and behaviors, you are not alone. Seeking help from a mental health professional, finding support and treatment, and being compassionate with yourself can aid you in recovery.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Is It Possible To Masturbate Too Much?

By Kelly Gonsalves

Remember that time on Sex and the City when Charlotte received a rabbit vibrator and fell so in love with it that her friends needed to stage an intervention?

It was a fun and goofy storyline, but it does operate under the assumption that it’s possible to masturbate “too much.” So…is it?

Listen. Sometimes you get your hands on a sex toy that just blows your mind, and you need to spend basically every night with it for a few weeks. Or you’re just having a bit of a hard month, and you just really need to blow off steam in the evenings with a little help from your vibrator. And sometimes there is no reason—you’re just horny, or in the mood, or feeling it, so you go for it. Often.

No one’s judging! But in case you’ve ever wondered if you’re overdoing it, we reached out to sex and relationship therapist Shadeen Francis, LMFT, to get the lowdown on your downtown time.

Can you masturbate too much?

“Self-pleasure is a very low-risk sexual activity,” Francis says.

That said, it’s possible to do anything in excess, including masturbation. Just like you can exercise too much or wash your hands too much—even though those are generally great habits—you can also masturbate too much. 

“If your masturbation habits are causing you mental, emotional, relational, or physical distress, that is an indicator that you may be masturbating more than is currently healthy for you,” she explains.

She emphasizes that pleasure is healthy, and most people don’t have to worry about overdoing it—in fact, the guilt around masturbation is much more likely to negatively affect someone’s well-being than the actual masturbating. “Sexual health includes your awareness of your sexual needs and feeling empowered to act on them safely,” she explains.

Plenty of people masturbate quite often without any negative side effects (here’s how often men masturbate, FYI), and there are also a slew of benefits of masturbation, including relieving stress, easing pain and period cramps, improving sleep, and even potentially supporting your immune system.

But, as Francis points out, if you’re masturbating with a frequency that’s causing physical harm (that is, you’re noticing soreness or bruising) or negative impact on other parts of your life (like feeling consistently distracted by thoughts of masturbating at work such that you can’t accomplish anything), that’s a sign that it’s time to take a pause, evaluate the role masturbation is playing in your life, and potentially make some changes.

It’s also possible for your body to get used to a certain type of stimulation, Francis notes—for example, the feeling of a vibrator on your clitoris or the rhythm of your own hand on your shaft. “They may notice difficulty maintaining their [erection] or reaching orgasm in partnered sex if it doesn’t mirror what they do when they’re alone,” she says, but adds that this issue is easily solved by making sure to mix things up while masturbating or bringing some of your solo activities into partnered sex. (Don’t underestimate the thrill of mutual masturbation, people!) If you want, it may also help to pause on masturbation for a bit before a partnered sexual experience.

Signs you’re masturbating too much.

How much masturbation is too much will depend on the individual, Francis says. A routine that feels great for one person might feel like way too much for another person. Rather than focusing on frequency, focus on how the behavior makes you feel and how it is (or isn’t) affecting your life.

Here are some signs Francis looks for to know if a person’s current masturbation practice might not be healthy for them:

  • It feels like a need instead of a choice.
  • It no longer feels pleasurable.
  • You’re experiencing pain, numbness, or loss of pleasing sensation.
  • There is a significant decline in your availability for sexual presence with partners.
  • You are struggling to keep up with your responsibilities because of how often you masturbate.
  • You’re feeling mental, emotional, or relational distress around masturbating.
  • “The general rule of thumb is that if something is causing unintended pain, you should take that as an indicator that something is wrong,” she says.

    If any of the above feel like they may apply to you or if you simply find yourself continuing to worry about your behavior, consider reaching out to a sex therapist or another qualified sexual health professional who can help you take a closer look at what’s going on.

    The bottom line.

    There’s nothing wrong with masturbating a lot. Most people masturbate because it brings them a little pleasure, relaxation, or relief at the end of a long day or because they just want to have fun connecting with their body.

    Now, if you find your masturbation feels less relaxing and more stress-inducing, or if it feels “out of control” in any way, it’s worth checking in with a professional to make sure everything’s OK.

    But if you generally feel anywhere from amazing to neutral before and after masturbating and aren’t noticing any negative effects on other parts of your life, you probably don’t need to worry. Regular masturbation is a common and generally healthy pastime, so if it’s feeling good, have at it.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

The science of sex, love, attraction, and obsession

The symbol for love is the heart, but the brain may be more accurate.

  • How love makes us feel can only be defined on an individual basis, but what it does to the body, specifically the brain, is now less abstract thanks to science.
  • One of the problems with early-stage attraction, according to anthropologist Helen Fisher, is that it activates parts of the brain that are linked to drive, craving, obsession, and motivation, while other regions that deal with decision-making shut down.
  • Dr. Fisher, professor Ted Fischer, and psychiatrist Gail Saltz explain the different types of love, explore the neuroscience of love and attraction, and share tips for sustaining relationships that are healthy and mutually beneficial.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Pornography addiction is not real according to leading psychologists

— here’s when porn can be unhealthy

Porn addiction isn’t recognized by the American Psychological Association as a true “addiction.”

By Sanjana Gupta

  • Porn addiction is not a true “addiction” according to the American Psychological Association.
  • Social, cultural, and religious mores may lead some to view their pornography habits as addictive.
  • If watching porn disrupts or negatively impacts your daily life or relationships, seek therapy.

Viewing erotic content like porn and pornographic images is on the rise. In 2019, alone, one of the world’s leading porn sites, PornHub, received on average 115 million visits per day.

All that free, readily-accessible on screen erotic content has got some folks thinking they’re addicted to it. But is porn addiction real?

Is pornography addictive?

Pornography addiction is not recognized by the American Psychological Association (APA) as a mental health problem or disorder, like drug or alcohol addiction.

Moreover, according to the DSM-5 (Manual of Mental Disorders — the world’s authoritative guide on psychological disorders) pornography and sex addictions are not a psychological disorder. Some disorders the DSM-5 does recognize are addictions to gambling, alcohol, drugs, and most recently, online gaming.

The reason for this comes down to neurochemistry. While watching porn may activate similar pleasure circuits in the brain as, say, alcohol or heroine, most experts agree that doesn’t mean you can become addicted to watching porn in the same way.

That’s because addiction to substances, for example, not only activates your brain’s pleasure circuits, it actually changes your brain chemistry so that you can no longer release feel-good chemicals like dopamine as effectively without the help of the drug you’re addicted to.

And as far as researchers can tell, this is not the case for porn addiction. So what’s going on instead? The more likely scenario is that porn addiction is more closely related to a type of compulsive, obsessive, or habitual behavior than substance abuse or addiction.

In fact, people develop compulsive, obsessive, and habitual connections to many things in their lives, especially if those things alleviate anxiety or fulfill a sense of longing or loneliness.

There’s also the fact of the matter that — much like the rest of sexuality — enjoying erotic content is often done in secret and without context. In fact, most of the US has no or purposefully incorrect sexuality education — especially for young adults. This creates an environment for folks to misunderstand the erotic entertainment they are enjoying.

Therefore, what people refer to as porn addiction is essentially a conflict of values that’s leading you to think you’re addicted, says Nicole Prause, PhD, a neuroscientist who researches sexual psychophysiology and is a practicing psychologist at Happier Living.

For instance, a large 2020 study published by the APA found that people’s cultural, moral, or religious beliefs may lead them to believe they are addicted to pornography, even if they don’t actually watch a lot of porn.

“If you think you are struggling with pornography, it is most likely that you are actually struggling with a conflict of your own personal values around your sexual behaviors, and not really the porn itself,” says Prause.

How much porn is too much?

At what point does your pleasure from watching porn become problematic? There’s no clear answer to this because it varies from person-to-person, which makes it extremely difficult for researchers to know where to draw the line.

Moreover, Prause says people who struggle with their pornography viewing almost always have an underlying disorder — most commonly depression — that requires treatment.

“By promoting ‘pornography addiction,’ research-backed treatments are delayed while people continue to suffer,” says Prause.

Overall, what sex therapists see most often is a lack of other social and sexual connections and difficulties accessing other coping mechanisms.

How to stop watching porn, if you think you’re watching too much

If you feel like you’re watching too much, or if you’re neglecting your work, relationships, or responsibilities to watch porn, you can take steps to remedy this:

  • Understand the impact on your life: Be honest with yourself about how viewing pornography is affecting your life and address any negative consequences it is causing. If porn is affecting your relationship with your partner, having an open conversation about what you need more of in the relationship can help.
  • Sit with your fears about reducing your intake: The thought of watching less porn may pose a challenge because there is probably a reason — whether it’s an underlying medical condition or it’s the only time you grant yourself permission to experience physical pleasure — why you’re choosing to watch porn. Recognizing this reason and admitting why you’re scared to watch less porn can be an important step in the healing process.
  • Formulate an action plan: Make a plan to help you break out of old patterns and fill your life with more activities. This can include focusing more on other activities that give you pleasure such as hobbies, sports, and friendships.
  • Seek therapy: Seek help from a qualified sex therapist therapist or counselor. You can find one via the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. According to Prause, there is a research-backed form of therapy that can help if your porn habit is inconsistent with your values. Known as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), it involves helping you identify your values and live in a more meaningful manner that is consistent with your belief system.
  • Get screened for other mental health conditions: You should consider getting screened for other mental health conditions, like depression, so that you can get treatment if required. Extreme anger, frustration, or sadness, excessive worry or fear, or obsessive thoughts or behaviors are some signs that you may have a mental health condition. Organizations like Mental Health America provide screenings and diagnosis based on symptoms.

Insider’s takeaway

Researchers are divided on whether watching excessive amounts of porn is a psychological disorder, a product of repressive views about sexuality, or a manifestation of another mental health condition.

Watching porn, masturbating, and exploring your sexuality can in fact be beneficial to your sex life.

“Women report overwhelmingly positive effects from viewing pornography, primarily as a method of increasing their sexual drive for a partner or experiencing sexual pleasure. When couples view pornography together they tend to report a more satisfying sex life,” says Prause.

Nevertheless, if you feel like you’re watching too much porn, you should seek help from a qualified professional.

Posted on

Can the Gay Community Survive Without Hyper-Sexuality?

by Devin Randall

Sex. It’s driven gay society for years. Through sexually charged clubs, bathhouses, movies and more. But as we enter a new decade, will queer men be able to live without the gay hyper-sexuality that made our society for so long?

The Unhealthiness of Gay Hyper-Sexuality

Let’s face it, gay hyper-sexuality has been in our culture for centuries. From the times of ancient Greece, to the truck stops and bathhouses of the 1900s, and to the sex-fused dating apps, gay movies, and gay video games of the present, hyper-sexuality has kept gay society going.

Of course, that’s not always good. Gay men have put themselves in unhealthy situations because of our unhealthy attachment to risky sex. For instance, a recent UK study found that 24% of gay UK men had casual sex during lockdown.

There’s also the idea that not all gay men are the same. Not every gay man wants to hang out at a club or have anonymous sex at men’s only hotels. As time goes by, that section of gay society is growing larger and stronger.

Going Mainstream & Losing Spaces

As homosexuality and LGBTQ people become more accepted by the mainstream populace, we are becoming expected to follow mainstream rules. That means gay apps having to stick to the family-friendly rules of the app store, movies having to lower the sexuality factor if they want to include LGBTQ representation while still marketing to conservative box offices, and more. 

On the app front, this has been happening for a few years now. Two years ago, Tumblr, which used to be a great space for gay bloggers and adult content viewers, announced that it would ban all adult content. Doing so was in response to the Apple app store taking Tumblr’s app off its service for breaking policy. The same happened to other apps in the gay digital sphere.

On top of this, the current coronavirus pandemic has put many gay spaces in dangerous situations. The historic Royal Vauxhall Tavern, which is a hotspot for England’s gay community and once housed Freddie Mercury and Princess Diana as patrons, has announced possibly facing closure and eviction. The venue has resorted to crowdfunding in order to fight off bankruptcy. This is just one establishment among many with similar circumstances.

Unfortunately, that has all led to the erasure of some gay spaces. With gay men finding each other through apps or other spaces, gay bathhouses and clubs are closing down and disappearing. Or, they are opening up to straight/cis audiences and changing the very natures of the spaces altogether. How many of us have entered a “gay bar” and seen bachelorette parties or heard straight DJs openly hitting on women?

Love, Victor & Wholesome LGBTQ Content

But again, going mainstream can be nice. Being gay isn’t just about the sex. Our lives amount to more than hooking up in alleyways. Wholesome LGBTQ content is on the rise, showing that being LGBTQ means a lot of things. Just think about Hulu’s recently released Love, Victor, which spotlights a wholesome portrayal of LGBTQ existence. It’s about a teen who is just discovering his sexuality and what he wants in love and life. We can all be like Victor. We can be more than just clubs.

Sexuality & LGBTQ Spaces Must Thrive

But, of course, we deserve to still have those spaces preserved and present in our lives. LGBTQ people, and gay/bi men specifically, don’t need the hyper-sexuality as much nowadays. But that doesn’t mean we don’t need it at all. As long as there are gay/bi men, there will be little hole-in-the-wall bars, bathhouses and clubs providing spaces for sexual activity. As long as there are horny men, there will be sexual games and movies to entertain us. Sexuality, hyper or not, will thrive for years and decades to come.

That said, we also have to accept that hyper-sexual aspects of gay society will be on the decline in the future. As we get more accepted by the general populace, we’ll be less able to openly participate in hyper-sexual spaces. Gay society is changing. Part of that is sad, but part of that is great too. And in the end, all of it is a natural part of life.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

How to Handle Sexual Problems

(And Get Your Sex Life Back On Track)

by Bonnie Evie Gifford

The results are in: we’re officially having less sex than ever – but not through choice. Could our trouble discussing our sexual worries be getting in the way of having a good time?

Sex. It’s not something we really talk about as a nation, is it? For many of us Brits, talking about sex is right up there with discussing our finances and actually confronting queue jumpers instead of tutting angrily. Somehow, sex has been relegated to something we don’t talk about in polite company. Why is that? Sex is great!

According to researchers from the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, our decline in having sex isn’t because we’re feeling less inclined to have a little quality alone time with our partner(s). Half of women and nearly two-thirds of men would like to be having more sex, but due to our busy schedules, stress, and feelings of exhaustion, we just aren’t making it a priority.

Could we be unwittingly missing out on the health benefits of regular sexual release, and could our reluctance to speak about of sex-related worried be making things seem that much more scary?

The benefits of sex – it’s more than just gratification

Don’t just take my word for it – science has been proving the benefits of a healthy sex life for years. According to the NHS, sexual arousal is good for your heart, penetrative sex can act as a stress buster, plus other forms of orgasms can help you feel more relaxed in similar ways to exercise or meditation.

The feel-good hormones released during sex can also temporarily help reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression. The increase in physical activity that often comes with intimate relations can also help you to get a better night’s sleep, particularly if you orgasm as this releases prolactin (a hormone that makes you sleepier).

Sexual arousal and orgasm can also boost your oxytocin (the hormone that helps you feel connected to your partner) whilst lowering cortisol (a stress-related hormone). It’s a win-win. Sex just once or twice a week can help you fend off illness and boost your immune system, whilst those who have sex report a better sense of wellbeing and feeling healthier.

Doing the deed isn’t the only part of sexual relations that can benefit us. Hugging can help lower your heart rate and blood pressure, not to mention the benefits of feeling loved and supported; according to one study of 10,000 men, those who felt “loved and supported” faced a reduced risk of angina regardless of age and blood pressure.

Being single doesn’t have to present a problem. Masturbating can release the same feel-good hormones we benefit from with others, along with the added benefit of allowing us to better explore our own bodies, helping us figure out what we do (and don’t) like. Studies have even suggested a little solo fun can help you improve your body image.

The benefits don’t stop there. For men, more frequent ejaculation has seen evidence of decreased chances of a prostate cancer diagnosis before 70. For women, the benefits can be even greater. Sexual activity has shown to help relieve menstrual cramps, improve fertility, help strengthen pelvic muscles and vaginal lubrication, decrease incontinence, and even protect against endometriosis.

Encountering sexual problems

Sexual problems can affect anyone, at any time, regardless of age, sexual preferences, or experiences. Nearly half a million of us are diagnosed with an STI each year. Only one in three of us are satisfied with our sex lives, with nearly a fifth of us experiencing a different sex drive from our partners that we feel has put a strain on our relationships.

The Let’s Talk About Sex report revealed that one in three UK adults have experienced a sexual problem. It may not feel like it, but we aren’t alone. Sexual problems are more common than we may realise. What’s important is recognising when we encounter an issue that we need to talk, find out more, or seek support with.

5 common sexual problems (and how to handle them)

1. Decreasing sex drive and impotence

A loss of libido or decreased desire for sex can be particularly common for women during certain times in their lives. If you are feeling depressed, are pregnant or recently gave birth, these can all be common factors that may affect your sex drive.

Other psychological or physical factors can affect men and women. Diabetes, hormone disorders, depression, tiredness, as well as addiction (drug or alcohol) are all issues that can lead to a loss of libido. Relationship problems or past sexual experiences can also impact your desire for intercourse.  

While a decrease in sexual desire isn’t necessarily a cause for concern, if you are worried it may be affecting your relationship, causing disappointment, arguments, or even leaving you feeling like you may be drifting apart, it could be time to seek help.

Psychosexual therapy offers the chance to speak with a specially trained therapist who can help you explore and overcome sexual dysfunctions. Knowledgeable in a wide range of sexual problems with individuals of all ages, a psychosexual counsellor can help you to better recognise your sexual needs and desires, working through negative thoughts that may be affecting your ability to enjoy sex and intimacy.

Relationship counselling can be another form of talking therapy that can help you and your partner(s) to explore how you are communicating physically and verbally. Helping you to identify areas which may be affecting your ability to feel safe, relaxed, and able to enjoy sex, relationship counselling can help you to become more aware of each other’s needs, working together to find a solution that fits.

Talking therapies aren’t the only options to help handle your sex drive. Yoga can have a surprising benefit on not only your health and sense of wellbeing, but also on your sex drive. According to one study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, regular yoga practice can improve women’s levels of sexual desire. The study revealed 75% of participants sex lives improved significantly, particularly for women in their 40s and older.

If stress, anxiety, or depression is affecting your sex drive, hypnotherapy may be able to help. A clinical hypnotherapist may be able to help you handle related symptoms, as well as improve your confidence or sense of self-worth. Hypnotherapy can help some people connect with their subconscious mind, addressing events or issues that may be affecting their mood, self-esteem, or enjoyment in life.

What we eat can be something we overlook when it comes to considering our overall health and wellbeing. If stress may be affecting your sex drive, it could be worth considering what you’re eating.

Nutritionists can offer natural, healthy, simple tips and advice for how we can reduce our stress levels through our eating habits. Remembering to eat regularly, keep refined carbs for treats, and include enough protein in our diets can all have a surprising impact on how we are feeling.

If you are concerned about potential erectile dysfunction or impotence, speaking with your GP can be the first step towards finding the option that works for you. Visiting a sexual health clinic can also provide the same treatment you would recive with your GP, with most offering walk-in services and quicker results.

Common in men over 40, this is usually nothing to worry about, however, if the issue persists, your GP is the best port of call. Most frequently due to stress, anxiety, tiredness, or how much you drink, erection problems can also be caused by physical or emotional problems.

2. Sex addiction

While people have joked about being nymphomaniacs and sex addicts for quite some time, the World Health Organisation (WHO) has only recently accepted sex addiction as a recognised mental health condition. Also known as compulsive sexual behaviour, many experts hope that this official recognition will help dispel the shame and worry that may be stopping individuals from seeking help and support.

But how do you know if you are a sex addict? And how do you begin seeking support? Counsellor and Vice Chair of the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity (ATSAC), Ian Baker, explains how identifying sex addiction isn’t as simple as assessing how much porn you watch, or how frequently you masturbate.

“You don’t just say you’re a sex addict because you watch an hour of porn a day. I’m not here to say masturbation is wrong, or fetishes are wrong, because someone’s sexual identity is important.

“It’s how it is affecting other parts of your life. Are you dropping friends? Are you not picking up your kids because of this? Are you using it to manage low mood or anxiety? [Speaking with a counsellor and gaining a diagnosis] isn’t walking in and saying ‘you’re sleeping with sex workers – you’re a sex addict.’”

Signs of sex addiction can include frequently seeking casual sex, having multiple affairs, excessively using pornography, experiencing feelings of guilt after sex, obsessive thoughts around sex or planning sexual encounters.

If you are concerned about how your relationship with sex, masturbation or pornography is impacting other areas of your life, there are a number of different places you can turn for help.

Working with a psychosexual therapist or a relationship counsellor can help you to better identify, accept and change behaviours that may be affecting other areas of your life. Psychosexual therapy (also known as sex therapy) can help you improve physical intimacy with your partner; manage sexual difficulties; identify physical, psychological, emotional, or situational causes of sexual issues.

If you have recognised you have a problem and are seeking to make positive changes, working with a hypnotherapist for sex addiction can be another option. Helping you to change the thought patterns and behaviours that may be causing you problems, a clinical hypnotherapist will use the power of suggestion to help you alter how you think and react to certain situations.

Taking into consideration your potential triggers, past experiences and lifestyle, your hypnotherapist can tailor your sessions to you, helping you break out of the negative cycle you have become caught up in.

3. Premature ejaculation

Coming too quickly (known as rapid or premature ejaculation) is a common ejaculation problem. While there is no standard or right length of time for sex to last, one study revealed the average time it takes for a man to ejaculate after beginning penetrative intercourse is around five and a half minutes.

Common causes of problems with ejaculation can include depression, stress, anxiety about performance, and relationship problems, as well as physical issues such as recreational drugs, prostate or thyroid problems.

International guidelines say regularly coming within one minute of entering your partner is considered to be premature ejaculation. While studies have found that premature ejaculation can have any impact on all parties involved, it’s worth noting that there isn’t a right or wrong way to achieve mutual sexual gratification. It’s completely up to you (and your partner) to find what you are happy with. If the time taken to come is causing you distress or emotional turmoil, it could be worth seeking advice.

Speaking with your GP can help you to identify and treat potential physical and underlying conditions. Your GP may be able to offer medication options such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), though they may suggest you try self-help options first.

If you are unsure about seeking professional advice, there are a number of self-help options you can also try (though speaking with an expert is always advised). Self-help options can include:

  • Switching to thick condoms to decrease sensation
  • Masturbating up to two hours before intercourse
  • Taking breaks during sex to distract yourself and prolong the experience

Couples therapy can be another option for those in a long-term relationship. A therapist can help you work towards improving your communication, speaking openly about issues that may be causing you stress or distress, as well as helping you to become more mindful in the moment.  

Another complementary option that studies have shown may help includes acupuncture. Using fine needles to balance the energy levels within your body, acupuncture can be used to help treat sexual performance, reduce stress and balance hormone levels. Techniques can also be used to prolongue sexual performance and boost your sex drive.

4. Pain during sex

Feeling pain or discomfort during or after sex is most often a sign that something is wrong and shouldn’t be ignored. This pain may be caused by an infection, illness, physical or psychological problem. If you are experiencing pain or discomfort, it’s important to speak with your GP or visit a sexual health clinic.

For women, changing hormone levels during the menopause can cause new vaginal dryness in a third of women that may lead to pain, as well a uncomfortable hot flushes, trouble sleeping, and other symptoms. Hormone replacement therapy (HRT) or SSRIs may be two options your may offer. Trying over the counter lubricants and moisturising creams from pharmacies may also help.

For men, pain during sex (also known as dyspareunia) is less common, but may occur during or after ejaculation. As causes can be physical or psychological, it is always worth checking with a medical professional before trying complimentary or alternative therapies. Hypnotherapy for pain management can help some individuals change their thought patterns surrounding pain, helping them to perceive pain in a different way.

Life coach and podcaster Ben Bidwell, better known as The Naked Professor, shares his own experiences with dyspareunia.

5. Boredom or differing libidos

Feeling bored in the bedroom or having vastly different libidos can have a significant impact on both our relationships and sense of wellbeing. Differing sex drives can lead to partners feeling guilty that they may not be satisfying their other half, or worry that their partner no longer finds them attractive.

Counsellor Graeme recommends speaking with your partner as one of the best courses of action.  “Talking to your partner about your relationship and the sexual side is very important. If [you] don’t discuss how [you’re] feeing, then misunderstandings inevitably appear as you assign thoughts and feelings to your partner.

“It can be difficult to talk about, but in the long run being honest bout how you feel is going to allow you to be clear about what can and cannot change. It’s important to recognise that there is an element of reality that you can’t change. Libido is another part that needs to be integrated into the relationship, and will require negotiation and compromise.

“While relationship counselling and visiting health care professionals can be useful, remember that it is your relationship so only you and your partner will know what it is like to be in that relationship ad how it can work. Outsides can help when it is difficult to talk to each other, but they cannot decide what is right for you.”

If you are worried that your differing libidos may be causing problems, there are a number of natural ways to increase your sex drive. One option, herbalism, can help you regain your balance, counteract illness and stress (both of which can affect your libido). Tracking what you eat can also help you to counter signs of stress, improve blood flow, and promote the release of endorphins.

Try eating more almonds and walnuts to increase your mineral intake and help combat stress, or switch your regular sweet treats for dark chocolate. Containing phenylethylamine, this amino acid promotes the release of endorphins and can help naturally boost your libido.

Making sure you’re getting enough sleep can also help to increase your sex drive. Try exchanging massages with your partner; this can not only help ease tension and lower stress levels, but can help you to feel closer to each other and may act as a simple catalyst for more frisky activities.

Worried boredom and routine may be settling into your bedroom romps? Counsellor Jo explains why and how sexual boredom can occur, and what you can do to get past it. Sex and relationship psychotherapist, Thomas, explains more about sexual desire and the search for ourselves in relationships.

“Sexual desire doesn’t happen in isolation. We live in a highly sexualised culture, yet more and more people are unhappy with their sex lives and are unsure what to do about it.

“It’s difficult and confusing to be present and always in touch with our true self. It’s an ongoing discovery between who you are, who you think you should be, and who you want to become.

“Sexual desire is an aspect of a person’s sexuality. It varies significantly from one person to another, and also varies depending on circumstances as a particular time. It’s constantly moving and complex. It can be aroused through imagination and sexual fantasies, or perceiving an individual that one finds attractive.

“Sexual desire can shift from intensely positive, to neutral, to intensely negative. It’s normal for our desire to go up and down at different times in our lives. The main issue is if this is causing you distress, that you are able to discuss it and find a way to reduce this distress.”

If you’re worried about a sex-related issue we haven’t covered above, check out these sex and intimacy questions, as answered by sex and relationship therapist Lohani Noor from the hit BBC Three show, Sex on the Couch. As well as answering questions, Lohani shares her three top tips for talking about sex with your partner.

For more information about relationship couselling and hypnotherapy for sexual problems, visit Counselling Directory or Hypnotherapy Directory now. Or if you’re on your PC, enter your location in the box below to find a qualified therapist near you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

University of Minnesota study finds frequent distress over sexual impulses

Researchers said they were surprised to find only a modest gender split: 7 percent of women reported distress over sexual urges, compared to 10.3 percent of men.

By

Distress over controlling sexual urges and impulses is a more common problem than previously thought — for both men and women — and could be interfering with the jobs, relationships and happiness of millions of Americans.

That’s the takeaway from a new University of Minnesota study, which examined responses to a national survey on sexual behavior and found that 8.6 percent of people reported “clinically relevant levels of distress and/or impairment associated with difficulty controlling sexual feelings, urges, and behaviors.”

Previous research estimated that 2 percent to 6 percent of people struggled with control of their sexual impulses, said Janna Dickenson, the lead author and a human sexuality researcher in the U’s School of Medicine. “This is a much higher prevalence than we thought,” she said.

The types of behavior causing distress could vary, Dickenson said, from having more sex than desired, to masturbating during work hours, to habitual sexting or viewing pornography. People who commit sexual assault could be included in this group, but Dickenson said the survey reflects a much broader array of people struggling with everyday problems rather than illegal actions.

Media coverage of sex scandals involving celebrities such as Tiger Woods has raised the possibility that sexually compulsive behavior is becoming more common, the authors noted, but few studies have checked to see whether that’s true.

Distress over sexual urges is a key symptom of compulsive sexual behavior (CSB) disorder, which is newly recognized in the World Health Organization’s latest compendium of medical diagnoses, the ICD-11. Not all people who expressed such feelings in the survey have the disorder, though.

University of Minnesota researchers analyzed responses by 2,325 adults to the 2016 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior. Considered one of the richest data sets regarding sexual attitudes, the survey is conducted by Indiana University and funded by the parent company of Trojan Condoms.

Within the survey, respondents answered 13 questions on a five-point scale ranging from 1 (never) to 5 (very frequently). Questions included whether respondents’ sexual activities ever caused financial problems, or whether they had created excuses to justify their sexual behaviors. Scores of 35 or higher suggested compulsive problems.

Researchers said they were surprised to find only a modest gender split: 7 percent of women exceeded that score, compared with 10.3 percent of men. This in some ways defies old cultural expectations that men are “irrepressible” and women are “sexual gatekeepers” who keep their impulses in check, the authors wrote.

The study found that distress was most common among people with low incomes and without high school diplomas, but also was more common among the highest-income earners. It also was more common among people who are members of racial minorities or who are gay, but the authors urged caution in interpreting those results. Their scores may reflect the higher level of stress that comes from being marginalized individuals in the first place.

Based on survey responses in a single year, the study couldn’t answer whether sexual distress is a rising problem, or why it is common. It’s possible that compulsive behaviors are exacerbated by the contrast between hypersexualized media messages and the social norms of sexual restraint.

Dickenson said she hopes the study, published in the Journal of the American Medical Association’s online open network, will raise the profile of compulsive sexual behavior as a problem requiring doctors’ attention.

“CSB is clearly an important sexual health concern,” she said, “that needs greater attention.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Why “Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder” Isn’t the Same as “Sex Addiction”

The WHO’s newest mental health disorder isn’t what you think.

By Sarah Sloat

A decade-long debate seemed settled in June when the World Health Organization officially added “compulsive sexual behavior disorder” to the newest edition of the International Classification of Diseases. Unfortunately, in the aftermath, many publications declared “sex addiction” was officially a mental health disorder. Technically, that’s wrong, but the blunder sheds light on the controversy surrounding the diagnosis. Even now, scientists are still trying to figure out the best way to think about people with very strong sexual urges.

It was a calculated choice by the WHO to replace the existing ICD-10 category of “excessive sexual drive” with “compulsive sexual behavior disorder” — not “sex addiction” or “hypersexuality.” It’s also very purposefully classified as an “impulse control disorder” instead of a disorder related to addiction. Impulse disorders, wrote members of the WHO ICD-11 Working Group in a 2014 paper, are defined by the repeated failure to resist a craving despite knowing the action can cause long-term harm.

The reason for this linguistic and categorical change is to make clear there’s no “right amount of sexuality” and to acknowledge that “it is important that the classification does not pathologize normal behavior.” Ultimately, the goal is to help identify repetitive behavior that can shut down a person’s life, though the language we use about it continues to be controversial. Despite the vagaries, Marc Potenza, Ph.D., M.D., a professor of psychiatry at the Yale School of Medicine, says the WHO’s move is a good thing.

“I believe that the inclusion of compulsive sexual behavior disorder within the ICD-11 is a positive step,” Potenza tells Inverse. “My experience as a clinician indicates that there are many people who experience difficulties controlling their sexual urges and then engage in sex compulsively and problematically. Having a defined set of diagnostic criteria should help significantly with respect to advancing prevention, treatment, research, education, and other efforts.”

Why Some Think It’s an “Addiction”

Potenza co-authored a 2016 paper questioning whether compulsive sexual behavior should be considered an addiction, concluding that significant gaps in the understanding of the disorder mean that it can’t technically be called an addiction yet. Today, however, the disorder continues to be described as “sex addiction” by universities, medical centers, and researchers. It’s unclear whether the word addiction here is colloquial or clinical.

For his part, Potenza suspects compulsive sexual behavior disorder may eventually be reclassified as an addictive disorder in future editions of the ICD. It’s not currently in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), but he predicts it might likewise be introduced and classified as an addictive order there once more data is gathered.

The central elements of addictions, he explains, include continued engagement in a behavior despite adverse consequences, appetitive urges or cravings that often immediately precede engagement, compulsive or habitual engagement, and difficulties controlling the extent of engagement in the behavior.

“From this perspective,” Potenza says, “compulsive sexual behavior disorder demonstrates the core features of addictions.”

Why Some Think It’s Not an Addiction

But Nicole Prause, Ph.D., a neuroscientist and sexual psychophysiologist who founded the sexual biotechnology company Liberos LLC, argues that sex is not addictive and that “compulsive sexual behavior” shouldn’t have been included in the ICD-11. In 2017, Prause and her colleagues published a paper in The Lancet in response to Potenza’s study, arguing that while “sex has components of liking and wanting that share neural systems with many other motivated behaviors,” experimental studies don’t actually demonstrate that excessive sexual behavior can be classified as addiction.

“Scientists generally were glad to see ‘sex addiction’ was kept out of the ICD-11,” Prause tells Inverse. “Therapists created ‘sex addiction’ training 40 years ago and were pushing to get it in with no good evidence.”

Prause generally doesn’t believe “compulsive sexual behavior” needs a name at all. Creating a means for diagnosis, she says, can increase “shame on sexual behaviors,” and people conditioned to think that sex is bad are more likely to think they have a problem. She argues that the population most likely to be classified as sexually compulsive are gay men, noting that there are even “examples of ‘sex addiction’ therapists offering to help gay men stop being gay,” which is “reparative, anti-gay therapy all over again.”

“The diagnosis has never been tested,” Prause says. “We have no idea if these patients even exist. The committee invented a new diagnosis and added it without ever seeing if anyone would meet the criteria.”

She argues that the grounds for such a diagnosis haven’t been backed up by research on actual sex in a lab. So far, estimates of how many people who identify as having a compulsive sexual behavior disorder vary and are predominantly based on self-reports. Epidemiological estimates have the number at three to six percent of adults, writes the WHO ICD-11 Working Group in a paper released this year, but more recent studies have suggested that range is closer to one to three percent of adults. Researchers at the University of Cambridge, meanwhile, reported in 2014 that compulsive sexual behavior can affect as many as one in 25 adults.

Now that it’s in the ICD-11, researchers are waiting to see how that will affect the official rates of identification.

“Growing evidence suggests that compulsive sexual behavior disorder is an important clinical problem with potentially serious consequences if left untreated,” writes the ICD-11 Working Group. “We believe that including the disorder in the ICD-11 will improve the consistency with which health professionals approach the diagnosis, and treatment of persons with this condition, including consistency regarding when a disorder should be diagnosed.”

Potenza says that it can be hard for a specialist to diagnose a person with compulsive sexual behavior disorder because, like alcoholism or a gambling addiction, it probably doesn’t have visible signs. But Potenza says the disorder can seep into and negatively impact other parts of a person’s life.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

‘Compulsive sexual behaviour’ is a real mental disorder, says WHO, but might not be an addiction

Global health body not yet ready to acknowledge ‘sex addiction’, saying more research is needed

The World Health Organisation logo at the headquarters in Geneva.

The World Health Organisation has recognised “compulsive sexual behaviour” as a mental disorder, but said on Saturday it was unclear whether it was an addiction on a par with gambling or drug abuse. 

Dr. Geoffrey M. Reed

The contentious term “sex addiction” has been around for decades but experts disagree about whether the condition exists.

In the latest update of its catalogue of diseases and injuries around the world, the WHO takes a step towards legitimising the concept, by acknowledging “compulsive sexual behaviour disorder”, or CSBD, as a mental illness.

But the UN health body insisted more research is needed before describing the disorder as an addiction.

“Conservatively speaking, we don’t feel that the evidence is there yet … that the process is equivalent to the process with alcohol or heroin,” said WHO expert Geoffrey Reed.

In the update of its International Classification of Diseases (ICD), published last month, WHO said CSBD was “characterised by persistent failure to control intense, repetitive sexual impulses or urges … that cause marked distress or impairment”

But it said the scientific debate was still going on as to “whether or not the compulsive sexual behaviour disorder constitutes the manifestation of a behavioural addiction”.

Maybe eventually we will say, yeah, it is an addiction, but that is just not where we are at this point

Geoffrey Reed, World Health Organisation

Reed said it was important that the ICD register, which is widely used as a benchmark for diagnosis and health insurers, includes a concise definition of compulsive sexual behaviour disorder to ensure those affected can get help.

“There is a population of people who feel out of control with regards to their own sexual behaviour and who suffer because of that,” he said pointing out that their sexual behaviour sometimes had “very severe consequences”.

“This is a genuine clinical population of people who have a legitimate health condition and who can be provided services in a legitimate way,” he said.

It is unclear how many people suffer from the disorder, but Reed said the ICD listing would probably prompt more research into the condition and its prevalence, as well as into determining the most effective treatments.

“Maybe eventually we will say, yeah, it is an addiction, but that is just not where we are at this point,” Reed said.

But even without the addiction label, he said he believed the new categorisation would be “reassuring”, since it lets people know they have “a genuine condition” and can seek treatment.

Claims of “sex addiction” have increasingly been in the headlines in step with the so-called #MeToo movement, which has seen people around the world coming forward and claiming they have been sexually abused.

The uprising has led to the downfall of powerful men across industries, including disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein, who has reportedly spent months in treatment for sex addiction.

[Film producer Harvey Weinstein arriving at Manhattan Criminal Court on Monday, July 9, 2018. Photo: TNS]

Reed said he did not believe there was reason to worry that the new CSBD listing could be used by people like Weinstein to excuse alleged criminal behaviours.

“It doesn’t excuse sexual abuse or raping someone … any more than being an alcoholic excuses you from driving a car when you are drunk. You have still made a decision to act,” he said.

While it did not recognise sex addiction in the first update of its ICD catalogue since the 1990s, the WHO did for the first time recognise video gaming as an addiction, listing it alongside addictions to gambling and drugs like cocaine – but only among a tiny fraction of gamers.

The document, which member states will be asked to approve during the World Health Assembly in Geneva next May, will take effect from January 1, 2022 if it is adopted.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

How giving up porn could help your sex life

For many of us, watching porn can be like eating a tub of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream; regularly done, enjoyable – no doubt – but can also often leave us feeling, well, a tad ashamed…

by Edward Dyson

[H]owever, pushing aside those pride-deprived moments spent reaching for discarded socks, could it be true that by indulging our cravings for explicit material on the web – c’mon now, you all know the sites… – we might actually be damaging our mental health? Not to mention our sex lives (you know, the one we’re supposed to be doing… in person?)

Earlier this year pop star Will Young opened up about having a porn problem, sharing with fans that his childhood trauma and shame was at the root of his dependency on several vices. These included alcohol, shopping but – the one that grabbed the most headlines, predictably – was the revelation that he had developed an obsessive level of consumption when it came to pornography, which he believes he used to ‘fill a void.’ And if the rich and famous feel empty enough to be filling their voids with porn, exactly what hope is there for the rest of us – the great unwashed?

Admittedly, most of us probably won’t have thought into the matter too deeply, and while we might not be broadcasting the number of weekly web wanks we’re racking up, neither are we too worried that a cheeky three-minute viewing of a US College Boys video might, in fact, be a reflection of some underlying issue. Most of the time, it’s fair to say most of us have already forgotten about the content we’ve, ahem, enjoyed – before the Kleenex has even been safely disposed of.

But it isn’t just the original Pop Idol winner who began to wonder whether there might be a darker side to viewing all this badly-shot -and even more terribly acted – footage we’re apparently so fond of. Recent research suggests that by watching porn, we could be debilitating our ability to form healthy sexual relationships – in the living breathing world – and could potentially be inflating any pre-existing mental health issues we might already be dealing with, whether or not we’re aware of these threats.

Many psychological experts have repeatedly stated that – despite being laughed off by naysayers for obvious reasons – porn obsession is undeniably real, and forms as a type of process behavioural dependency. The reaction of the brain to this material can be very similar to the stimulation that happens after taking drugs. And in even more limp news, doctors have also reported on the growing trend amongst men who struggle to get an erection with a real-life partner because they’re so used to using explicit imagery in order to help them get off.

And, let’s face it, it’s all very much out there, readily available for the watching. According to the website Paint Bottle, 30 per cent of all data transferred online is porn, and Virginia lawmakers claim that all pornography is “addictive,” can promote the normalisation of rape, can lessen the “desire to marry, equate violence with sex,” as well as encouraging “group sex,” (not necessarily a bad thing… who are we to judge?) and –of course – “risky sexual behaviour and infidelity,” among other effects.

But are they all just taking it too seriously? Perhaps being a little too prude-ish… right in front of our salads?

Sex guru Jerry Sergeant – a self-confessed former sex and porn obsessed himself – believes that one vital component to a healthy sex life is to quit porn and traditional masturbating, and instead follow a tantric path.

Never mind cold turkey. This here is cold jerk-y. (Sorry.)

Speaking about the perils of consuming X-rated content to Gay Times, he warned: “Porn is dangerous, and people do get obsessed with it. I was for many years. At my worst, I was watching videos on the internet all the time, every day, four hours on end. When I stopped, it was like being a heroin addict going clean. It’s just a fantasy, but it means people are no longer looking in the most important places for what they want.”

And the damage it does to us when we are forming our ideas about sex during our younger years is difficult to reverse, he admitted.

“It’s almost a violation,” Jerry says. “I believe meditation, and tantric sex should be taught in schools. Unfortunately, the schooling system takes kids outside of themselves, and just pushes facts, figures and information on them.”

Tantric sex in schools? Well, beats PE, that’s for sure. But now, not only does Jerry not watch porn – (never, not even Justin Bieber’s nude leaks, for crying out loud!) – but he doesn’t even masturbate. No, never. Now that’s a hard one… (so to speak.) He explains: “What a load of people don’t know is, you can have the most incredible orgasm all on your own, without ever putting your hand on your penis. Masturbating tantrically is extremely powerful.”

But in an age where people are too busy to even pick up the phone and order their own takeaway – thanks Hungry House! – can we reasonably expect people to take the time to bring themselves to orgasm with just the power of their mind?

Jerry assures us: “It’s worth it. OK, so what you do is start with something that can be quite tough at first: you have to give yourself an erection without thinking of something sexual.”

Does the men’s rugby team count? Apparently not, as Jerry continues: “Perhaps think about a partner, or someone you know would like to be with, and imagine yourself getting to that state – then squeeze the muscles that are just between your anus and testicles, squeeze them for ten seconds, then release for ten seconds… squeeze again, release again. Eventually you’ll start getting an erection, and the more excited you get, eventually you will come to the point where orgasm happens.”

Blimey. Who needs porn when even the tantric guide is this steamy? “I’ve taught this to a lot of people,” Jerry says, unfazed. “Close your eyes, take long deep breaths, and settle into a space, and combine it with meditating if you can. You can light candles or incense, really relax and enjoy stimulating yourself. And it doesn’t have to be done alone, either.”

Phew. We were beginning to worry that all this tantric malarkey might be so enjoyable it might make the idea of partners redundant… “Another way, which is really cool, is to do this with a partner, sit opposite each other, breathing together, getting into a rhythm and building it up,” he shares. “Tense those muscles, and let them go, continue that process thinking of only each other, not physically touching each other, and then experience it together. The more you practise it, the closer you’ll come to reaching orgasm at exactly same time. It’s a mind-blowing experience – you connect on such a deeper level.”

This may be all very well and good for those who have enough time in the day for hour long sessions of mental self-pleasure. But how does it help with our actual sex lives?

Jerry promises: “Once you’ve learnt to harness and keep that energy inside of you, you’ll never go back to normal orgasms again. It’s like having a big carrot being dangled in front you, then nothing’s there – an anti-climax. It can last for at least 30 seconds, sometimes a minute and a half if you’re doing it and holding it… your whole body vibrates and vibrates. Compared to a ten second shot, which is wasted time, it’s just amazing. This will follow into your regular sex life, and this kind of orgasm will become your norm.”

He adds: “The beautiful thing this is, if you’re on the right frequency, you’ll meet the right person who will also be open to learning all about it.”

It’s certainly a tempting prospect. Jerry admits he’s not only more sexually satisfied now than he was when he was porn obsessed – spending thousands paying for sex and drugs – but he’s also generally happier in himself.

That doesn’t mean the journey is easy though. “I remember when I first found out, to start with – to masturbate while staying in your body and mind took a lot of practice,” he admits. “And I was practising a few times a day and would get it wrong; I was doing it two or three times a day, then once a day, then whenever I felt like it really. But I would suggest not having sex while you’re mastering this technique, then when you do, you can start experimenting, perhaps tantrically with a partner, or friend, in an open relationship, there are lots of options, and it can be really exciting.”

And even if the tantric route is not the right path for everyone, Jerry is adamant that quitting porn should be something everybody at least attempts. Basically, try to give a toss…

“I would suggest not watching anything for a month, first of all. Treat it like Dry January is to alcohol,” he says. “See how much you actually miss it. You might surprise yourself.”

To continue that comparison, highlighting the darker sides to the relationship you have with a certain vice, be it alcohol or porn, shouldn’t mean condemning every beer bottle – or every piece of voyeuristic sex – straight to Room 101. Plenty of people can enjoy a drink in moderation, and plenty of people also have a healthy relationship with porn. Most certainly, not everyone who partakes in a cheeky bit of ManHub or XTube is secretly turning into Michael Fassbender’s character in Shame – giving his tripod todger third degree burns from office computer misuse and compulsive masturbating. However, because watching porn is, by its very nature, a solo activity, rather than a social one – rarely discussed even with the closest of friends – as a habit that could spiral: it’s easy to take your eye of the ball, (or balls…)

Sure, we count the calories of our food, and the number of alcoholic drinks – that we can remember, anyway – largely due to fears that are related to social judgement and obvious physical effects. But usually, unless you’re really quite brazen, regardless of how much porn you’re watching, those around you will generally be none the wiser.

That’s why it remains, and will surely continue to remain, a habit that can only truly be monitored through maintaining a strong sense of self-accountability, and perhaps asking yourself some tough questions. Has your relationship with porn ventured into unhealthy territory?

Below are a few signs that your relationship with sexually explicit content might have got, ahem, out of hand…

So… do you have a problem?

1. Excessive time spent viewing porn

An obvious one, but a good place to start. Now, of course there are no NHS guidelines – like there are with alcohol – as to what counts as excessive. But a helpful question to ask yourself might be: does the time dedicated to this activity impact heavily on your day-to-day life? Signs could be: regularly finding yourself late for work because of watching porn. Watching inappropriate content on work (and not just NSFW gifs, we’re talking extended disabled lavatory visits….) Or cancelling on friends. Put simply, just because you have a wank doesn’t mean you have to be a wanker.

2. Notable negative consequences

Related to point one, but if you can link things that are going wrong in your life to your relationship with porn, then that’s a huge red flag that things might have got spiralled somewhat out of control. Are you left financially struggling because you’re spending so much of your income on explicit websites? Is it causing problems at work or in your relationship? This leads nicely to…

3. Loss of interest in sex

Whether in a relationship or not, if – like the growing trend that doctors have noticed emerging – your dependency on porn is so strong that you struggle to become aroused in real life scenarios, then this is definitely a major problem. Most people seeking a satisfying sex life with a partner – or multiple partners – should be fine to consume porn outside of that, usually privately, but if it becomes all you find yourself interested in, then this habit might just have slipped into compulsive territory.

4. A constant need to go further

Kinkiness is an interesting subject. We all have our little kinks, and it’s sometimes tricky to know how normal – or abnormal – these are. But a tell-tale sign that porn might be having a negative effect on your mental health is if you’re constantly feeling like you need to keep actively seeking more and more extreme, and unusual, content. If there’s material that a month ago was turning you on, and now you’re craving something that takes it on even further – and this is part of a pattern – then it also might be part of a problem…

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

A Cyber Sex Fail

Name: Liora
Gender:
Age: 23
Location: Israel
I have a cyber relationship with a man who’s a great deal older than I am, lives several time zones away and has a little girl living with him (so we can only do it when she’s out of the house (which, until September, will only be on Sundays and that usually means that in practice we only do it once a month. I’m a very hormonal girl and this is driving me kind of crazy (masturbating by myself doesn’t make the problem go away somehow even if I get 10 orgasms in a row from it) and cheating or “moving on” are out of the question! I try to repress but the tension seems to make me want to bite his head off a lot lately which never used to happen. I love him very much so porn and cheating are out of the question… any advice on other ways of dealing with this frustration?

Jeez, you sound like a real charmer. What a petulant child you are. It’s a wonder that this grown-up guy puts up with you.

Here’s what I’m reading in your message. You’re hooked on cyber sex with an older man who lives thousands of miles away from you. And because he has a daughter living with him for the summer, you can only connect with him once a month. And you’re pissed off and frustrated.

Well, I can understand being pissed and frustrated, apparently you have a sex drive that would make a sexual athlete blush. Don’t get me wrong, that’s not a bad thing. It’s just that you can’t or won’t satisfy your libido on your own, or with another person nearer to hand. And when you don’t get what you want, when and how you want it, you bite the old dude’s head off. Yeah, that sounds like true love to me.

And yes darlin’, I do have some advice. What you got goin’ here is an obsession, which has absolutely nothing to do with love. You’re selfish and self-absorbed, and if I had to guess, you can’t read the signs that are obvious to others with similar cyber connections. When the frequency of the contact diminishes, it’s apparent that one or the other of the participants is bored or wants to wind-down the liaison. You seem to gloss over this painful truth.

You deny yourself the natural sexual outlets a young woman your age can enjoy because you are unhealthily preoccupied with this cyber connection. Where the fuck do you think this virtual relationship is gonna to wind up? Maybe, just maybe, this older gentleman has got the goods on you, he sees you for the crazed cyber junky you are, and he’s using the excuse of having his daughter around to avoid you.

Girlfriend, give it a rest. This is yesterday’s mashed potatoes. Time to move on. Why not connect with a real human this time, someone you can actually touch and be touched by. I know it sounds real old fashioned, but if you give it a try, you will find that honest-to-goodness human flesh beats a keyboard and monitor every time.

Good Luck

Posted on

Should Shame Be Used to Treat Sexual Compulsions?

By

The concept of “sex addiction” has become deeply embedded in our culture — people toss the term around pretty easily, and it’s the subject of TV shows, documentaries, and a profitable cottage industry of treatment centers. The problem is, as Science of Us has noted before, the scientific evidence for sex addiction being similar to alcohol or drug addiction is very, very thin, and it may be the case that people who believe or are told they have sex addiction actually have other stuff going on.

And yet, it’s undoubtedly the case that many people show up at therapists’ offices worried about sexual behavior that feels compulsive. How do therapists who are skeptical of the idea of sex addiction deal with these patients? That’s the question at the center of an interesting article in SELF by Zahra Barnes.

Barnes does a good job laying out the strong majority view that “sex addiction” shouldn’t be viewed in the same way as other, more scientifically validated forms of addiction, and she also contrasts the way different sorts of therapists deal with sexually compulsive behavior. As she explains, therapists who hew to the majority view often take a “harm reduction” approach to patients who are complaining of compulsive behavior.

“It’s humanistic, meaning it privileges the subjective experience of a person and doesn’t try to apply some external model on what they’re describing, and it’s culturally libertarian, meaning as long as they’re not hurting anyone, you allow people to behave the way that they want and give them the space to do it,” said Michael Aaron, Ph.D., a sex therapist in New York City and author of Modern Sexuality.]

This method can work for people troubled by their sexual urges and those with compulsive sexual behavior. “Rather than trying to change something, we need to acknowledge it and embrace it,” Aaron says. He offers the example of someone who has fantasies of traumatizing children sexually or being sexually violent toward women: “The harm reduction approach asks, can you play out some of these themes with a consenting partner?” The aim is to satisfy these desires with a willing partner instead of suppressing them, which can just make them stronger, he explains.

Therapists who do believe in the addiction model work differently, and where this difference manifests itself most strongly is in their approach to shame. While Aaron and other harm-reduction researchers try to stay away from shaming their patients, which they say can worsen compulsive behaviors, believers in the sex-addiction model see things differently:

“Sex addicts need to feel some shame about what they’re doing, because they are shameless. When people are shameless, they rape and murder and steal and pillage and get into politics,” [says Alexandra Katehakis, clinical director of the Center for Healthy Sex.]. But this is different from shaming someone, she says. “Shaming in an unprincipled way is out of bounds [for a mental health professional],” she explains. That would include saying or even implying that someone is disgusting based on what they’re doing. Rather, she asks questions designed to make someone reflect on what their actions have wrought, like, “What do you think that feels like for your partner?” It’s helpful, not damaging, she explains, because, “It challenges them to see what they’re doing, and it brings them into the reality of their behavior.”

It seems like one of the key philosophical differences here is the question of the extent to which people can control their most primal sexual urges. The therapists who don’t believe in sex addiction appear to view people’s sexual preferences (for lack of a better term given they probably aren’t preferences) in a holistic context — if people are “acting out” sexually in a way that harms others, it could be because of other stuff going on in their lives. You address the behavior by addressing the root causes. The believers, on the other hand, focus more on the urges and finding ways to address the behavior and urges in and of themselves.

These approaches aren’t fully compatible, so it’s no surprise there’s tension between the majority of sex researchers who don’t believe in the addiction model and the minority who do.

Complete Article http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2017/01/should-shame-be-used-to-treat-sexual-compulsions.html!