By Steph Auteri
My 6-year-old daughter owns about a dozen books about bodies, babies, and consent (par for the course when your mom is a sex writer). I maintain a separate shelf in my bedroom that holds eight more books I’ll pass along to her — or read myself — as she gets older. And then I have several more that are just for me: books about how to be a sex-positive parent from birth on.
But there is a gap (gasp!) in my collection. This summer, my daughter turns seven. And though I didn’t experience menarche until I was 13, there are some kids who enter puberty as early as eight years old. And god knows I don’t want Em to be blindsided by blood in her underwear or other bodily changes.
And so, I recently did what any mildly obsessed mother would do: I went in search of the best puberty books for kids. Here’s what I found.
Celebrate Your Body by Sonya Renee Taylor
This book is billed as the ultimate puberty book for girls. It doesn’t hurt that it’s written by the amazing Sonya Renee Taylor, a social justice activist and the founder of The Body Is Not an Apology movement. I’ve mentioned this book on the site before but, as a reminder, it prepares girls for what happens to their bodies and minds during puberty and also gives them a heads up in regard to peer pressure, social media safety, self-care, and more.
The Girls’ Guide to Sex Education by Michelle Hope
The subtitle of this book says that it contains over 100 answers to urgent questions about puberty, relationships, and growing up. Examples include: What is a period? Why are my boobs sore? How do I use a tampon? How do I wash my private area? The Q+A format helps make the content easily digestible…and easier to navigate for those girls who have very specific questions about their changing bodies. And parents aren’t left behind either. The foreword explains how parents can best approach sex education with their kids using the book as a tool.
Best Puberty Books for Boys
Guy Stuff by Cara Natterson and Micah Player
You didn’t think I’d leave you and your sons high and dry, did you? This book, written by a pediatrician, provides boys with tips on how to take care of themselves as they move through puberty. Organized by body part, it contains info on everything from underarm care to sources of stink to acne, erections, and more.
Growing up Great! by Scott Todnem and Anjan Sarkar
Billed as the ultimate puberty book for boys, this title lays out the changes kids can expect during puberty and gives them tips on how to maintain their overall health and well-being. The book also includes a glossary of puberty terms and a plethora of coping mechanisms as they grapple with the emotional impacts of growing older.
Best Puberty Books for Kids of All Genders
The Every Body Book by Rachel E. Simon and Noah Grigni
Of course, my favorite puberty books are those that are geared toward all genders. Because it’s important for kids to know about and gain empathy around what their peers are experiencing. This one is another sex-positive book I’ve mentioned before, an LGBTQ+-inclusive guide that covers sex and gender, love and attraction, sexual intercourse and, most important of all (for our purposes here), the physical and emotional changes that go hand-in-hand with puberty.
Wait, What? by Heather Corinna and Isabella Rotman
God, I love that sex ed comics are a thing. And who better to put together a sex ed comic about puberty than the founder of Scarleteen and the cartoonist, illustrator, and sex educator who’s been featured there (and who has multiple comics about sexuality under her belt)? This particular graphic novel covers all the essentials about pre-teens’ and teens’ changing bodies and shifting emotions. The diverse cast of characters discusses everything from body image to sexual and gender identity to consent.
Sex Positive Talks to Have with Kids by Melissa Pintor Carnagey
This book is geared toward parents — and covers way more than just puberty — but I had to include it. The other month, I interviewed Melissa for a piece about how to normalize talking to your kids about periods and, my god, I have never seen someone get so excited about menstruation. In this book, Melissa advises families on how best to raise sexually healthy children. Pick this one up if you’re grappling with how to start conversations with your kids about bodies, consent, pleasure, and more.
Puberty Is Gross But Also Really Awesome by Gina Loveless and Lauri Johnston
Finally, this brand new book provides a humorous take on puberty, acknowledging all the stuff that seems super gross but is, in actuality, super awesome. There are chapters about body changes, identity, health, self-confidence, bullying, crushes, and my god I could go on. I am so excited about this book.
Godspeed, parents, and good luck to your kids, too. I promise…puberty isn’t the big bad you think it is.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Understanding Your Own Sexuality Will Give You Confidence With Others
Intimacy and sexuality can be an anxiety-inducing subject for many young people. One study, analyzed by the UK’s Guardian Newspaper, found that 35% of young people experienced at least one problem in the bedroom, with 8% reporting anxiety and 10% reporting a lack of enjoyment. The problem often stems from a lack of self-awareness. Understanding yourself and your body will help you to be confident in intimacy with lovers, and ensure that you have a healthy and fulfilling grasp of your own sexuality.
Exploring your own body
There’s no shame in wanting to explore your own sexuality and sexual preferences. As the Australian health service highlight, knowing exactly what you enjoy and what makes you happy is an important part of identifying your sense of self and, by extension, self-worth. How can you achieve this? Looking to experiment with your own sexuality, whether that be with realistic sex toys like fleshlights or vibrators, or through reading about similar experiences online, can help you to develop a clear picture of your own preferences and build a foundation for future relationships.
Becoming confident
It’s straightforward to establish what you like – but how can you turn that into self-confidence and awareness of your own body? You might think that those in long-term, committed relationships benefit the most from this sense of self-esteem. However, studies reported by Psychology Today have shown that married men often have a lower sense of sexual self-esteem. Developing this confidence is not so different from developing good mental health habits elsewhere – if you look after yourself and accept your inner qualities and personality, you will develop confidence.
Transferring that confidence to partners
Sexual activity in itself is a boon to mental health, confidence, and shared understanding. Healthline report that it provides benefits to multiple areas of your life, including physical, intellectual, emotional, and psychological wellbeing. However, going into a relationship with someone and carrying their stresses can lead to the opposite impact. Having a well-founded sense of self and being able to communicate that will give a much healthier start to any relationship, and will break with the conventional wisdom of needing to be a strongman in the relationship.
Building confidence in yourself will enable you to react well with others. Sex is about understanding, being relaxed, and not carrying anxieties. Start with yourself before you make the jump into a relationship – you’ll thank yourself, and you’ll build a foundation for a strong future.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Not as simple as ‘no means no’
— what young people need to know about consent
A recent petition circulated by Sydney school girl Chanel Contos called for schools to provide better education on consent, and to do so much earlier.
In the petition, which since Thursday has been signed by more than 5,000 people, Contos writes that her school
… provided me with life changing education on consent for the first time in year 10. However, it happened too late and came with the tough realisation that amongst my friends, almost half of us had already been raped or sexually assaulted by boys from neighbouring schools.
So, what core information do young people need to know about consent? And is the Australian curriculum set up to teach it?
What’s in the curriculum?
This is not the first time young people have criticised their school programs. Year 12 student Tamsin Griffiths recently called for an overhaul to school sex education after speaking to secondary students throughout Victoria. She advocated for a program that better reflects contemporary issues.
Australia’s health and physical education curriculum does instruct schools to teach students about establishing and maintaining respectful relationships. The resources provided state all students from year 3 to year 10 should learn about matters including:
- standing up for themselves
- establishing and managing changing relationships (offline and online)
- strategies for dealing with relationships when there is an imbalance of power (including seeking help or leaving the relationship)
- managing the physical, social and emotional changes that occur during puberty
- practices that support reproductive and sexual health (contraception, negotiating consent, and prevention of sexually transmitted infections and blood-borne viruses)
- celebrating and respecting difference and diversity in individuals and communities.
Despite national guidance, there is wide variability in how schools interpret the curriculum, what topics they choose to address and how much detail they provide. This is further compounded by a lack of teacher training.
A study of students in South Australia and Victoria, along with repeated nationwide surveys of secondary students, have shown young people do consider school to be a trustworthy source of sex education. But most don’t believe the lessons have prepared them adequately for relationships and intimacy.
They want lessons that take into account diverse genders and sexualities, focus less on biology, and provide more detail about relationships, pleasure and consent.
The national curriculum also stops mandating these lessons after year 10 and many year 11 and 12 timetables are focused on university entrance exams or vocational learning opportunities. This means senior students have limited opportunity to receive formal sex education at a time when they really need it.
So, what should young people know about consent?
The term “consent” is often associated with sex, but it’s much broader than that. It relates to permission and how to show respect for ourselves and for other people. Consent should therefore be addressed in an age-appropriate way across all years of schooling.
The most important point about consent is that everyone should be comfortable with what they’re engaging in. If you are uncomfortable at any point, you have the right to stop. On the other side, if you see someone you are interacting with being uncomfortable, you need to check in with them to ensure they are enthusiastic about the activity, whatever it may be.
In the early years, students should be taught how to affirm and respect personal boundaries, using non-sexual examples like whether to share their toys or give hugs. It is also important they learn about public and private body parts and the importance of using correct terminology.
In later years, lessons should consider more intimate or sexual scenarios. This also includes consent and how it applies to the digital space.
Older students need to learn sexual activity is something to be done with someone, not to someone. Consent is a critical part of this process and it must be freely given, informed and mutual.
Consent isn’t about doing whatever we want until we hear the word “no”. Ideally we want all our sexual encounters to involve an enthusiastic “yes”.
But if your partner struggles to say the word “yes” enthusiastically, it is important to pay attention to body language and non-verbal cues. You should feel confident your partner is enjoying the activity as much as you are, and if you are ever unsure, stop and ask them.
Often this means checking in regularly with your partner.
Young people also need to know just because you have agreed to do something in the past, this does not mean you have to agree to do it again. You also have the right to change you mind at any time — even partway through an activity.
It’s not as simple as ‘no means no’
The most recent Australian survey of secondary school students highlighted that more than one-quarter (28.4%) of sexually active students reported an unwanted sexual experience. Their most common reasons for this unwanted sex was due to pressure from a partner, being intoxicated or feeling frightened.
We should be careful not to oversimplify the issue of consent. Sexual negotiation can be a difficult or awkward process for anyone — regardless of their age — to navigate.
Some academics have called for moving beyond binary notions of “yes means yes” and “no means no” to consider the grey area in the middle.
While criminal acts such as rape are perhaps easily understood by young people, teaching materials need to consider a broad spectrum of scenarios to highlight examples of violence or coercion. For example, someone having an expectation of sex because you’ve flirted, and making you feel guilty for leading them on.
When it comes to sexual activity, we should be clear that:
- although the law defines “sex” as an activity that involves penetration, other sexual activities may be considered indecent assault
- a degree of equality needs to exist between sexual partners and it is coercive to use a position of power or methods such as manipulation, trickery or bribery to obtain sex
- a person who is incapacitated due to drugs or alcohol is not able to give consent
- wearing certain clothes, flirting or kissing is not necessarily an invitation for other things.
We should also challenge gender stereotypes about who should initiate intimacy and who may wish to take things fast or slow. Healthy relationships involve a ongoing and collaborative conversation between both sexual partners about what they want.
Consent is sexy
A partner who actively asks for permission and respects your boundaries is showing they respect you and care about your feelings. It also leads to an infinitely more pleasurable sexual experience when both partners are really enjoying what they are doing.
It is important that lessons for older students focus on the positive aspects of romantic and sexual relationships.
They should encourage young people to consider what sorts of relationships they want for themselves and provide them with the skills, such as communication and empathy, to help ensure positive experiences.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
How to talk to kids about sex
— An age-by-age guide to sex education for parents
- It’s never too early to discuss gender identity or consent.
- Non-judgmental, inclusive, body-positive language is key.
- Teens say their parents have the greatest influence over their decisions about sex.
Talking about sex with your kids may feel overwhelming, but it’s important to keep an open line of communication at an early age.
Children who are well-educated about their own sexuality will likely have higher self-esteem and make choices about their sexuality that they are happier with.
It can also ensure they feel safe coming to you with questions and concerns instead of uninformed peers or the dice roll of the internet.
Clinical psychologist Joshua Klapow, PhD, recommends researching the physical changes your child is experiencing at every age and listening to them while encouraging an open dialogue rather than lecturing them.
We spoke to Kapow, as well as board-certified child psychologist Lea Lis and certified sex educator Laura McGuire, for guidelines on how to talk to kids about sex at every age.
Kids under the age of 5
You may assume it’s too soon to start talking to your preschooler or toddler about sex, but it’s only natural for them to have some questions about their bodies as they begin to walk and talk, according to Mayo Clinic.
For example, if your toddler asks where babies come from, the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry recommends giving them a truthful but simple response. For example, you can say “each person starts as a combination of seeds from two people. That seed grows inside of a place called a uterus, which is inside of a belly.
Topics to address at this age
- Anatomical names for private body parts: If your child asks about their gender as it pertains to their genitalia, parents should avoid euphemisms or “pet” names. Klapow recommends telling them the anatomically correct term for it, and what it’s used for — like how pee comes from a penis or a vulva. Using standard anatomical terminology for private body parts promotes self-confidence, open communication, and positive body image, as well as gives them the proper language to seek help in the event of sexual abuse or a medical issue.
- Gender: They haven’t developed a concept of nakedness or modesty yet, but according to the National Center on Parent, Family, and Community Engagement, toddlers begin to understand the concept of gender identity as early as 18-24 months. Parents can encourage their children to feel comfortable exploring and defining their gender by teaching them that they are not limited to toys or clothes that are traditionally assigned to their sex.
- Consent: Experts agree that the earlier you can bring up the concept of consent, the better. At this age, board-certified child psychologist Lea Lis suggests talking about what feels good and what doesn’t feel good. For instance, if your preschooler’s friend is being rough with them on the playground, you can use those situations to ask them what types of physical touch they don’t like, and how they can say “no” to a friend. Adults should aim to respect their children’s “no” or as much as possible, too.
“Around 18 months, a child can observe modeled behaviors such as asking permission and observing signs that someone is uncomfortable to respect that boundary,” says Laura McGuire, a certified sex educator. So how you interact with your child, other kids, and other adults also demonstrates consent for your child. You don’t have to use the word “consent” with a preschooler — using clear but simple terms like space, body, and touch are more likely to be understood at this age.
Elementary school-aged kids
Whereas toddlers and preschoolers may only require vague answers to questions about sex and their bodies, experts say school-aged children tend to want to dive deeper with more specific questions about the link between sexuality and how babies are made.
Rather than make any assumptions, Mayo Clinic advises asking what they already know when they come to you with a question. Then, you can clear up any misconceptions, and provide any details they may be missing. You might ask, “well, can you tell me what you think it means?” and go from there.
For example, the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry recommends explaining their birth story by saying something along these lines: Dad’s seed (or sperm) comes through his penis and combines with mom’s seed (or egg) in her uterus, and then the baby grows there for nine months until it’s strong enough to be born.
Another common topic is erections, which can happen as early as a baby’s first few months of life. Once they’re old enough to ask you about it, you might just explain that a penis is typically soft, but sometimes “gets hard and stands up straight”. Emphasize that this is healthy and normal and may feel good. As they explore their bodies, allow all children to to enjoy pleasure without shaming them or batting their hands away, especially if they are in the privacy of their own home, bathroom, or bedroom.
Topics to address at this age
- Setting boundaries: It’s important that children in elementary school learn outright what a boundary is and how to set one, Klapow says. Learning to say no and communicate when they feel uncomfortable is essential for preparing them for future sexual encounters at an older age.
- Gender: Regarding gender, Klapow says children between the ages of 5–10 start to form ideas around their gender and sexual identity. If your child comes to you with confusion about their identity, you can let them know that having a particular sex assigned at birth doesn’t mean a person has to relate to a specific gender or sexual orientation.
“You can talk about the fact that some people identify as boys, some as girls, some as neither, and that these identities can change,” says McGuire. It might be helpful to draw similarities to TV or book characters for younger kids and pop culture references for older kids.
Middle school-age kids
Between ages 11–13, your child will begin experiencing a surge in hormones that can cause the physical changes of puberty as well as more intense sexual feelings.
Lis recommends letting your adolescent know what types of bodily changes are normal during puberty, including the growth of pubic hair and other body hair, the development of breasts, acne, and the start of menstruation.
After letting your child know what to expect in terms of menstrual bleeding, you should also explain hygiene product options and clarify that a period usually indicates the body can become pregnant. Mayo Clinic says this might also be a good time to explain what wet dreams are. It may also be a good time to begin conversations about family values, including around the topics of dating and masturbation.
If you feel comfortable, you can share stories from your own experience of adolescence.
As your adolescent approaches the age of 13, Lis advises educating them about the forms of contraception that are available while also reiterating the idea of consent. She recommends clarifying that condoms can reduce your risk of STIs as well as unwanted pregnancy, while a birth control pill cannot prevent STIs and is only intended to prevent pregnancy.
“Keep the message clear: This is normal, and you want them to come to you if they have questions. You will not pass judgment and you will support them no matter what.” Klapow says.
Topics to address at this age
- Pornography: A 2017 survey by the American Psychology Association found that the average age a child is first exposed to online porn is 13.37 years of age, and for the majority of men (43.5%), that first exposure is accidental. Lis strongly advises keeping adolescents away from porn by monitoring their technology use. However, if you discover that they’ve seen explicit images or videos, she suggests reminding them that the people are actors, not all bodies look that way, and that not all the acts are common in real-life partnered sex.
- Sexting: A 2019 study found that sexting is associated with increased sexual risks, such as having a higher number of partners, using drugs and alcohol, and not using contraception. That’s why it’s important to talk to your adolescent about the potential consequences of sharing provocative images and messages — like the fact that the image could spread to other classmates, or that they could be charged with distributing child pornography and face legal repercussions, whether they send, download, or forward the image. Let them know they should never feel pressured to send a photo that makes them feel uncomfortable.
- Sexism: Give adolescents examples of female athletes and coders, or stay-at-home dads and male dancers, or gender-diverse folks to help counter traditional notions of gender roles. That way, they feel free to pursue whatever interests and extra-curricular activities they desire. Be sure to discourage your child from participating in “locker room talk,” and explain why objectifying people is disrespectful, while also coaching your kids about double standards and how they can respond to sexist comments.
High school and college-age teenagers
While many sex ed topics may be covered in your teen’s health class, you still play an important role in their attitude and behavior around sex from the age of 14 onward.
What the research says: A 2012 national survey revealed that teens say their parents have the greatest influence over their decisions about sex — more than friends, siblings, or the media. Most teens also admitted that making decisions about delaying sex would be easier if they could talk openly and honestly with their parents. A 2010 study revealed that teens who talk with their parents about sex are more likely to delay intercourse and to use condoms when they do.
After making sure your teen knows where to get contraception and how to use it, Mayo Clinic says you might want to explain other ways they can reduce their risk of contracting STIs, like keeping their relationship exclusive to one partner or asking sexual partners if they’ve been tested, as well as getting tested themselves regularly.
Klapow also suggests bringing up conversations about safer sex with their doctor at routine checkups, as doctors can serve as a confidential source of support and education for your teen. Consider leaving the room so your teen can ask questions more freely.
According to Mayo Clinic, it’s important to remind your teen that there are many ways to express affection — like holding hands, dancing, kissing, and touching — without having penetrative sex and that it’s OK to wait until they feel ready. You may also want to let them know that they should never have sex because they feel pressured by a partner, and make sure they know the definition of rape.
Lis advises directly asking your teen about their level of sexual activity, starting with: “Have you ever been kissed? How did you feel about it?” and then using this conversation as a way to re-coach them about what consent looks like, how to say “no,” and how to handle rejection in a healthy way. She also says it’s critical to explain how the effects of alcohol and drugs connect to getting and giving consent. Consent always should be enthusiastic, freely given, and not under the influence of substances.
“Explain that sex will be less fulfilling when you’re drunk and it’s better to wait so you can experience the joy in sex,” says Lis.
Teens need to know that intoxication affects their decision-making. Lis suggests telling your teen to establish a buddy system or “no friend left behind” policy so that they never abandon friends who are drunk or high, and so they can rely on their friends to look out for them as well. Making sure they have a safe way to get home is also very important.
Important: When talking about love and relationships, be sure to use inclusive language like “partner,” rather than assuming your child is heterosexual.
Hookup culture has created a lot of confusion for teens around what’s expected of them sexually. Lis recommends telling your high-schooler that a sexual partner or experience may be temporary, but should still be pleasurable, kind and considerate — which means no ghosting or bragging to your friends. “Basic sexual etiquette should be demanded and expected,” she says. “This includes sending a text or calling the day after to tell the person you enjoyed the experience.”
You may also want to share how love and emotional connection can play a role in sex being more meaningful or pleasurable. “Encourage teens to be honest about what feels good and what does not with a partner as this helps in establishing boundaries,” says Lis.
The older your child gets, the more in-depth your explanations will need to be — but it’s never too early to touch on topics like gender identity and consent when they come up.
Using non-judgmental, inclusive, and body-positive language is key, no matter what you’re discussing.
“Don’t pretend that you know it all and they don’t,” says Klapow. “Engage with them about what they are seeing on the internet. Be a partner in their exploration.”
When in doubt, McGuire says to remember that you can always reach out to certified sex educators to help you find resources and fill in any gaps you may experience along the way.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
“Pleasure is not a dirty topic”
— Hannah Witton on sex toys, oversharing, and love in lockdown
Martha French and Lucie Richardson talk online content, what it means to feel sexy, and Valentine’s Day plans with Youtube sensation and sex educator Hannah Witton.
“Schools and teachers are scared of broaching the topic of pleasure, because of the general erotophobia in our society and the myth that talking about sexual pleasure with young people is the same as telling them all to go have lots of sex. Pleasure is not a dirty topic, it’s not a dangerous topic – it should be an integral part of sex education as it’s an integral part of sex,” says Hannah Witton, “Leaving it out of sex ed (the words “pleasure” and “masturbation” don’t appear once in the Department for Education’s RSE guideance) isn’t protecting young people, it’s just perpetuating the same old message of shame”.
Never afraid to engage with the taboo, Witton rose to YouTube fame in the mid 2010s, amassing an impressive and continuously growing following; at present she has over 700,000 subscribers across two channels. Hannah is renowned for honest videos chronicling her life with ulcerative colitis, which required her to undergo an ileostomy – affectionately referred to as ‘Mona the Stoma’.
“Leaving it out of sex ed isn’t protecting young people, it’s just perpetuating the same old message of shame.”
However, her channel is by no means restricted to discussions of disability, featuring videos on everything from sex and relationships to books, finance, and home decor. Witton’s videos are unique in their ability to advise and educate viewers on problems big and small, all the while retaining an accessibility and a conviviality that keeps her audience coming back for more.
One of her most popular projects is the now annual ‘Instagram sex survey’, in which she asks her (largely female, twenty-something) following questions about their experience of and attitudes towards sex and relationships. Of this year’s results, she says “I think there’s been some more openness around solo sex and sex toys as a lot of people aren’t able to have partnered sex because of lockdown rules, and I’ve seen a general curiosity in sex tech as well, how different apps and toys can enhance sexual experiences over long distances”.
Witton has a positive take on the increasing digitization of the dating world, as “it’s fun, it connects you to other people, and if dating was something you enjoyed doing pre-pandemic it’s important to find ways to still do the things we enjoy or find new ways to get the benefits: new experiences, new connections with people”.
“I think there’s been some more openness around solo sex and sex toys as a lot of people aren’t able to have partnered sex because of lockdown rules.”
However, it is not only the pursuit of pleasure that has changed under the pandemic, Hannah sees it as a win for sexual health too: “the last 12 months has given us the language and tools to talk about our health status and getting tested in terms of COVID and I hope that we can translate that to how we talk about sexual health and STIs”. An ambassador for Brook – a national charity which offers sexual health services and education to young people – Witton often creates content designed to encourage her audience to take charge of their own sexual health and wellbeing. Her videos range from destigmatising taboo topics such as STI testing, to informing viewers about the pros and cons of different contraception methods.
Off the back of this Youtube fame, Witton has published two sex-ed style books. The first is Doing It: Let’s Talk About Sex… (2017), an honest and informative guide to understanding and approaching sex and relationships in the 21st century. The second, The Hormone Diaries: The Bloody Truth About Our Periods (2019), combines anecdotes and research to help reader’s tackle the “hormone rollercoaster” that is menstruation.
It is this increasing notoriety not only online but on bookshelves that has led Witton to reconsider her responsibilities and boundaries as an influencer. She admits to being in two minds about the discourse surrounding the obligation to speak up and share: “I used to think it was as simple as if you have a platform then you have a moral responsibility to do good with that – talk about issues, raise awareness, get your audience taking political action. And whilst those things are all still important, I also now think there is more nuance to what “good” is. Do your posts about interior design or music or cooking bring people joy? Great! Joy, fun, and play are just as important as talking about the causes we fight for. I’ve also seen a shift to this pressure and expectation placed on influencers to talk about every bad thing that happens in the world the moment it happens and if you don’t share your “response” in a timely manner then you are a terrible person. Just because someone isn’t sharing something publicly doesn’t mean they don’t care, doesn’t mean they’re not donating, doesn’t mean they’re not learning or taking action.”
Whilst her content is inherently confessional, in recent years Witton has made a conscious effort to separate elements of her day-to-day life from her online presence, most notably in the context of her relationship. However, Witton’s wedding this year brought a series of related content, and most recently she has been documenting her experiences of trying for a baby. Therefore, for Hannah, it remains “a conversation I’m always having with myself – what I’m comfortable sharing and what I’m not. I don’t have any hard lines other than just listening to my gut”.
This no-pressure outlook extends too to her lockdown expectations, for she accepts that the pandemic hasn’t taught her much about herself – “and I think that’s fine! You don’t have to be having massive revelations during lockdown, you can just be the same person you were before”.
Over the years, Witton has gained a thorough understanding of her own relationship with her sexuality and she frequently uses this knowledge to spark discussion or moments of self-discovery with her following. When asked if she had any specific tips or tricks that she uses to help herself feel sexy she responded: “It’ll be different for everyone but I love putting on sexy lingerie – that’s a quick way to get me out of life mindset and into sexy mindset. But I do think we often focus too much on what will make us feel sexy rather than what will help us step out of all the things we’ve been doing and worrying about during the day. What can you do to be able to step out of that to allow the sexy feelings to emerge? It could be as simple as turning your phone off, having an uninterrupted conversation with your partner, having a dance and literally shaking off all the life or work or school thoughts”.
And does Hannah herself have any plans for Valentine’s day this year? “No,” she laughs, “Just a regular Sunday in lockdown”.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
A Natural Connection
— Why Getting Outdoors Is The Ultimate Sex Ed
“Look, they’re stuck to each other!” I squealed through my 7-year-old throat, jumping up and down in my childhood backyard.
Two slugs curled intimately around each other, glistening in the sun, while my mom held a camcorder. It was my first exposure to sex in real time, and we spent the next 20 minutes talking about what was taking place, my mom only stopping to nervously laugh once when I excitedly shouted, “There’s his penis!” while pointing at the member protruding from the head of one of the slugs.
And while it was quite a memorable moment, I’d guess that this nostalgic story isn’t wildly unique.
The reality is that a lot of people have a memory like mine (though maybe not as sticky, and probably not captured on film). In fact, when parents explain how they first introduce sex to their children, it’s almost cliche to hear that they turned to nature to help paint the picture. Whether it’s watching a neighborhood cat in heat, observing the way flowers spread their seed, or visiting an aquarium during particular mating seasons, the outdoors are so often a gateway to learn about “the birds and the bees.”
The connection between sex and nature is expansive.
It doesn’t take much digging to find that plants and animals, like us, exhibit a wide range of sexual behaviors and have their own identities and turn-ons. For instance, did you know that garter snakes have group sex in something called a “mating ball,” or that jellyfish reproduce both sexually and asexually throughout their life, depending on their developmental stage? This barely scratches the surface of the unique (and sometimes quirky) sexual escapades going on in nature.
On the other side of the coin, human sexual activity has a huge impact on our environment. It’s why there’s a growing market for sustainable sex toys and etiquette for leaving no trace when getting down and dirty on a camping trip. (And who could forget how a massive wildfire was literally sparked by a gender reveal party last season?)
And yet, despite all these points of connection, you don’t often hear conversations about sex and nature. In fact, you don’t hear many conversations about sex at all. Factors like shame and expectation have made sex and intimacy a taboo topic for many people. But the outdoors isn’t—which is where I started wondering how we can reintegrate some nature into the way we think and talk about sex as adults.
This idea led me to start a podcast featuring approachable, open conversations about sex, gender, and relationships—all with the outdoors as the centerpiece. (It’s called Sex Outside, and it premieres on February 11!) Through these discussions, I’ve been reminded that the outdoors inherently gives people a more open forum to feel connected to their bodies. This kind of liberation, which can be challenging to access in many other aspects of our lives, makes it easier for us to start thinking about and talking about sex.
Nature’s lessons on love and sex.
Maybe talking about sex will never come as naturally to us as it does to our 7-year-old selves, standing in the backyard over some slugs. But that doesn’t mean we can’t continue to use the outdoors as a jumping-off point for thinking about sex, pleasure, and identity into adulthood. Here are just a few sex-ed lessons I’ve learned from Mother Nature in the years since that fateful backyard discovery:
Whether it’s holding off until the right season or waiting for a full moon to rise, animals and plants (even coral!) know that sex is best when it comes at the right time. The same goes for us humans. Feelings of sensuality and arousal happen at different times and life chapters for everyone, and that is totally natural.
2. It’s OK (even encouraged) to get creative.
As the earth evolves, so do the needs of all the systems on it. Plants and animals have gotten awfully creative looking for ways to make sex happen, and that’s made the whole reproductive process better and more effective over time. The human lesson in there: no need to turn down a chance to try something new in the bedroom.
3. “There’s nothing straight about nature.”
This is a phrase Elyse Rylander, founder of OUT There Adventures, coined as a way of reminding us that nature simply isn’t straight. From jagged mountain ranges to undulating ocean waves, the shapes of nature are fluid. Humans, who for so long have held ourselves to a very unhelpful and harmful heteronormative gender binary, can work that lesson into gender and sexuality exploration, too.
Sex is a part of us, regardless of our relationship status or libido.
4. You are a sexual being—with or without a partner.
There are a large variety of species that reproduce asexually, reminding us that sex is something that comes from within each of us, no matter who we do or don’t act on the urge with (or how often those feelings of arousal come to the surface). Sex is a part of us, regardless of our relationship status or libido.
This is a simple, practical tip and not something nature alone can teach us…but if you’ve ever gotten a urinary tract infection while in the backcountry, you’ll know why I wanted to spread this information far and wide.
It seems as though every other creature alive in this natural world has a fine time ignoring expectations and existing as the beautifully unique, shamelessly sexual beings they are. We as humans are a part of that, too. It’s time we reconnect to those feelings, see them as natural and innate to who we are, and claim them in full. Maybe in the bedroom…and maybe outside.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Here’s How Students Are Hooking Up During the Pandemic
Because they *are* still hooking up
By Michal Stein
January is not a particularly sexy month. The sparkle of the December holiday season has faded. It’s cold and dark and, even in the best of times, going out may not be particularly inviting. But in a school setting, there was always something alluring about a clean slate, new classes and the possibility of meeting new people.
If you’re a post-secondary student, you might be trying to have as normal a year as you possibly can, whether you’re living in residence, in an apartment off campus or at home with your parents. But school is already stressful enough, and with a global pandemic still ongoing, it’s safe to say that academic stress is amplified this year. And while young people turn to various outlets as a means to blow off steam and de-stress, from exercise to bread baking and Netflix marathons, one of their other outlets is no longer really an easy option—or at least as safe an option as it was pre-pandemic: having sex.
In early September 2020, Dr. Theresa Tam, Canada’s top doctor, recommended using barriers, like masks, when engaging in sex with people outside your bubble, and trying positions that aren’t face-to-face in order to reduce the risk of COVID-19 transmission. Or just abstaining from sex with another person at all (because you know, you can do it yourself). But winter is lonely. And a pandemic winter is even lonelier, so it’s a natural time to want to find someone to cozy up to, whether that’s for a couple of months or for a couple of nights. In a normal academic year, there’s the allure of the cute person in your class giving you sideways glances, or the gritty glamour of dorm parties to fuel new connections and strange conversations. (Having gone to school in the Maritimes, I can confidently say that even a rollicking sea shanty singalong can lead to romance.)
But with lockdown measures in place in Ontario and Quebec, how students should navigate dating and hooking up going forward isn’t so clear, especially when we’ve already seen institutions like Western University report COVID-19 outbreaks less than a month into the 2020 academic year. ICYMI, in mid-September the Middlesex-London Health Unit released a visualization that showed just how these cases spread. Activities ranged from meeting up on campus, masks on and physical distancing in place, to hanging out in their friends’ houses without masks, to going out to bars, to sharing an e-cigarette. While CBC reported that the outbreak in September mostly involved students who live off campus, the health unit declared another outbreak in October, this time in a student residence. Sex between people who don’t live together wasn’t on this list, but it’s safe to say that students are still getting down and dirty.
Face masks and physical distancing are part of our new reality—but how that factors into our sex lives isn’t so straightforward. While COVID-19 isn’t necessarily spreading faster on university campuses than it is in the general public, there have been instances of community spread that link back to universities. For example, in December 2020, positive cases in Kingston, Ont. were traced back to house parties around the city’s University District. All of this means that students need to reframe the way they think about hooking up in the age of COVID.
Students *are* still hooking up—it just looks a little different
Just because there’s a pandemic doesn’t mean that all sexually active students—or those who want to explore their sexuality—are becoming celibate.
Dr. Shemeka Thorpe is a sexuality educator and researcher at the University of Kentucky. Most students she’s spoken to are using dating apps this year, are generally sticking to virtual dates and are keeping IRL dates outdoors, and at a distance. This shift in dating might mean taking things slower. For some people, the getting-to-know-you phase might last a whole lot longer, until COVID numbers settle down enough for them to be comfortable getting close with someone new, and for others, this could mean going on more distanced dates before physically hooking up to ensure you’re comfortable with a potential partner’s level of exposure and safety measures.
Frankie*, 26, graduated post-secondary school a few years ago but started dating a University of Toronto student in early September 2020. They met on a dating app and knew that they wanted to have some sort of distanced sexual encounter when they eventually met up. When it came to determining what both partners were comfortable with regarding COVID and sex, the risk assessment wasn’t boring and awkward—they just built it into their flirting. Their date, Jamie*, had recently gotten a COVID-19 test, after someone in their program at school had tested positive. Frankie says, “I [didn’t] have symptoms, I was tested a month [before], so I was just laying it out like, ‘I haven’t been tested very recently, but these are my risk levels. This is where I go out, this is where I don’t go out;’ that sort of became pillow talk.”
Which, honestly, isn’t as different of a conversation as many people have—or should be having—pre-sex, even during non-pandemic times. “Before COVID, you would want to know how many partners is someone currently intimate with, what barrier methods are they using, when was the last time they got tested, and what were the results of that test. And the conversation’s the same now,” says Deirdre McLaughlin, a registered counsellor and sexual health educator in Nelson, B.C. McLaughlin would ordinarily start the school year giving talks at universities around sex positivity and consent. This year, conversations around consent look the same as they always do, just with an added layer of COVID-19 info, they told FLARE. They said they notice that when people are newer to sex, the conversations around safe sex are sometimes the hardest ones to broach. Typically, they do a lot of coaching around how to make those conversations more positive, and all the more so during the pandemic.
Biologist and science communicator Samantha Yammine says that COVID risk mitigation messaging has a lot to learn from sex-positive sex ed. “It teaches us about communication… [and] about not shaming and stigmatizing. We know that from years of HIV research, that when you shame and stigmatize people with an HIV positive status, it doesn’t help the pandemic,” she says. “Instead, when you empower people with the tools to take care of themselves and other people, and people feel comfortable having open conversations, the negative impact of HIV can be mitigated.”
And as for the public health recommendation to try more *literal* barrier methods, like glory holes—that option wasn’t so appealing to Frankie and their partner. “I did a bit of research into that before going on my quest for boinking,” they said. “This is not quite practical to how a lot of people need intimacy and need physicality. It won’t satisfy those things. I would rather incorporate someone into my bubble.” Which is what Frankie and Jamie ended up doing for a while—agreeing to only sleep with each other; eventually, that relationship ran its course.
Another factor to note: With many universities implementing no guest policies—meaning people who don’t live in the building aren’t allowed inside—according to Frankie, if you’re hooking up with someone in a dorm, “there will likely be sneaking in.” The Chestnut residence at the University of Toronto implemented their no-guest policy back in March of 2020. While they haven’t listed explicit consequences, their residence policy states that continued disregard of COVID-19 guidelines in shared spaces might result in “sanctions.” McMaster’s residence agreement contract doesn’t allow for guests during COVID-19 either, and references possible disciplinary action ranging from notice to eviction.
That doesn’t mean everyone feels safe getting close in person—or close at all
But while people like Frankie and Jamie were looking for ways to experience physical intimacy, that doesn’t mean that *every* sexually active student is thirsting for physical touch amidst a pandemic. In fact, sexuality and sex science educator Eva Bloom—who wrote A Compassionate Guide to Sexuality & COVID-19, an e-book on sexuality during COVID—found the opposite to be true; a lot of people she works with are reporting experiencing changes in their sexual habits during the pandemic, like having less sex with their partner.
“We’re basically living in a constant, low-level state of stress all the time,” Bloom says. “And a lot of our support system, like being connected with friends and family, has been taken away or restricted.” She points to a University of British Columbia study showing that stress is an incredibly common contributor to low sexual desire. It can be hard to get in a sexy headspace these days. Throw a bunch of term papers and online group projects on top of that, and you’ve got a recipe for a very unsexy semester.
“It’s the emotional capacity for grief and trauma, because we’re also in a racial justice uprising,” says sexual health and consent educator Samantha Bitty of the past year, and the renewed energy around the Black Lives Matter movement. “Folks recognize what their capacity is to be emotionally, physically, spiritually available to another person. I think that people opt out [of sexual encounters] because it’s overwhelming.”
Students, and young adults in general, are also living with their parents in much higher numbers during the pandemic. According to a study from the Pew Research Center, 52% of 18- to 29-year-olds in the United States are living with their parents, a level not seen since the Great Depression. Beyond any potential awkwardness of bringing home a hookup while Mom and Dad are watching The Crown, there’s also the issue of potential health issues. While the thought of getting COVID-19 can be scary for anyone, it’s *especially* scary if a parent has a pre-existing health condition.
Confusing public health messaging around sex and COVID didn’t exactly help
And it’s no surprise that young people would want to opt out of sexual encounters all together, because vague and unrepresentative public health messaging around intimacy and COVID isn’t only confusing, but it’s also partly to blame for uncertainty around best practices when it comes to hooking up. The overriding misstep when it comes to public health messaging, Bitty says, is that it really doesn’t reflect people’s lived experiences.
“It was abstinence-only type education, and there was a glaring absence of sexual health or relational information,” Bitty says. And when they did start talking about it, the messaging only really reflected a heteronormative, monogamous narrative.
“A lot of public health messaging has kind of operated under the assumption that people live in a singular kind of family,” Yammine says. This largely ignores single people living with roommates, in dorm settings, or couples living separately. If people don’t see their own circumstances reflected, Bitty says, it’s that much harder to make individual decisions that benefit a collective well-being. Or to take said well-being seriously.
Pointing to the messaging about masked sex and glory holes as an example, Bitty notes that this messaging was a 180-degree pivot in public health communication, which had been fairly conservative and more focused on sex that happened between people who already lived together. Because of this, “most people just thought it was funny and dismissed [the messaging], or they can’t imagine having sex in a way that’s rooted in a risk-aversion in that specific way,” she says. “We can’t even get people to wear condoms to have oral sex. Do you think they’re going to wear a mask?”
Not to mention the fact that many people in their late teens and twenties just find the guidelines straight-up confusing. Yammine conducted an informal survey through her Instagram about the challenges young people are facing in the pandemic—the key theme in their responses? Despite trying their best to reduce risk, they didn’t feel they were getting relevant advice and had no guidelines to work from. Some schools, like McGill, Queens and Ryerson, are integrating COVID-19 advice into their sexual health materials, and McMaster has put out a comprehensive COVID-19 Dating and Hookup Safety Guide, but many others have not.
The McMaster resource recognizes that some students will meet up for sex, even if it breaks stay-at-home orders. In the disclaimer, they write that they’re not *encouraging* in-person partnered sex. Rather, their aim is to provide tips to stay as safe as possible during partnered sex. Their harm reduction approach gives students practical, actionable tools to make informed decisions about their sex lives during a difficult and confusing time.
They organize tips in order from lowest to highest risk, starting with masturbation and fantasy and leading up to in-person partnered sex. They suggest lighting candles and reading erotica as ways to make masturbation more satisfying than just a quick way to get off, and offer a list of questions to discuss before going into a partner’s house.
“At this point, people still saying ‘just stay home’ is tired. You can’t keep saying that same message because we’re [almost a year] in,” Yammine says. “Abstinence-only has never worked well—not when it comes to sex education, and not when it comes to a pandemic. We need to talk about harm reduction and empower people with tools to make lower-risk decisions in all aspects of their life, including their personal life.”
There are some ways to get down and dirty—safely
Despite somewhat shoddy public messaging, there are ways to stay connected and forge intimacy during this time. While keeping guidelines top of mind, of course. “First and foremost, the public health guidelines take precedence,” Yammine emphasizes. This might mean trying your hand at (safe) sexting—either with a human partner or chat bot, and listening to audio erotica.
“Right now, we’re currently in lockdown [in Toronto] and being asked not to see anyone. And so I would say, maybe now is the time to do virtual dating and get to know people. And then when lockdown ends maybe then you can choose who’s worth seeing in person,” Yammine says. When it comes to dating, almost all of our experts suggested asking about the COVID precautions the other person is taking as a way to see if your values align with your potential partner. If wearing a mask is important to you, but they’re maybe a bit of an anti-masker, that’s probably a good sign that you’re not compatible in other ways, too.
Some universities have also developed online tools for less experienced students to work on their relationship skills. Farrah Khan is the manager of Consent Comes First, which offers support for students who have experienced sexual assault, at Ryerson University. A lot of research, she says, suggests that one way to address sexual violence is to provide people with relationship skills and skills around sexual health and boundary creation. Khan teamed up with her counterparts at Wilfred Laurier University and Carleton University (Sexual Violence Response Coordinator Sarah Scanlon and Bailey Reid, a Senior Advisor in Gender and Sexual Violence Prevention and Support, respectively), to create an online community called the Curiosity Lab, an online relationship lab that meets once a month to talk about things like flirting, online dating and harassment. “Sometimes it feels safer for folks to participate this way,” she says. If participants are living with their family and don’t have a lot of privacy, they can participate interactively through shared Google Docs.
Of course, with the vaccine rollout in Canada underway, it may be tempting to jump into a life of all make-out sessions, all the time. But Yammine says it won’t be quite that easy. “I think what people aren’t expecting is [that] the vaccine will come and then it’s over, snap your fingers. But in fact, it’s probably going to take several months,” she says. Depending on where you are, the first vaccine phase will likely consist of priority groups—populations that are more at-risk and front-line workers. “We’re going to still have to use other public health, non-pharmaceutical interventions like distancing, masks [and] ventilation, to continue to keep the spread low.” The hope is, once the priority groups receive their immunization, we’ll start to see things like hospital deaths declining. Once the situation becomes less dire, we may be able to slowly open up in stages. While it’s still hard to say exactly when more of the general public will be vaccinated, two web developers made a calculator that can help people estimate when they might expect to get the vaccine. Factors like age, whether you’re an essential worker, and whether you live in a congregate setting are all considered—though dorms aren’t specified in particular.
“Just try to have a little fun while dating and make the most out of this year that you can, because it is different and it’s new and, truthfully, we’re all learning. Although having some of these conversations may be awkward, they’re also awkward for everyone else,” Thorpe says. She explains that a healthy sex life is still within reach, even for those of us making our way through a lockdown winter without a regular partner. “To me, a healthy sex life is one that’s pleasurable, it’s one that keeps you safe…. But it’s one, too, that’s also intimate.”
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!i
Easy, expert tips for teaching LGBT-inclusive sex and relationships education to your kids at home during lockdown
As the UK enters another national lockdown, the pandemic is continuing to cause disruption to many children, particularly when it comes to LGBT-inclusive sex and relationships education.
Last week, Boris Johnson announced that schools in England would move to remote learning until at least February half-term, excluding the children of key workers and vulnerable children, and schools in Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland will do the same until mid to late January.
While queer parents, parents of LGBT+ kids and allies were relieved when LGBT-inclusive relationships and sex education (RSE) became mandatory for UK schools in September this year, schools have been given “flexibility” on when they implement the new curriculum because of the coronavirus pandemic.
The mandatory RSE guidelines mean that every primary school child must learn about different types of families, including those with same-sex parents, and secondary school students must be taught about sexual orientation and gender identity.
OFSTED is carrying out a “phased return to inspection”, meaning that although the watchdog will initially comment on schools’ “readiness” to comply with the RSE guidance from the Department for Education, whether or not a school teaches about LGBT+ relationships “will not impact inspection judgments until the start of the summer term 2021”.
In schools that have begun teaching the protected characteristics of the Equality Act 2010 as they apply to relationships, kids may still be missing out.
While lockdowns have been causing disruption throughout the school year, even during the periods in which schools have remained open children must self-isolate and stay out of school if they have, or live with someone who has, coronavirus symptoms or a positive test.
Whatever access a child currently has to LGBT-inclusive RSE, experts told PinkNews that it is always beneficial to include LGBT+ identities in educational activities at home.
Learning about LGBT-inclusive relationships and sex education is important both at school and at home
Sidonie Bertrand-Shelton, head of education programmes at Stonewall, said: “Every child and young person deserves an education which celebrates diversity and teaches acceptance.”
Even if your child is already being taught LGBT-inclusive RSE by their school, Bertrand-Shelton said: “Teaching that is inclusive of lesbian, gay, bi and trans people can happen at home too, starting with some easy steps like teaching about LGBT+ role models like Frida Khalo.
“Or, in a maths lesson you can introduce LGBT+ people and families, for example by asking how two mums calculate a 10 per cent increase of their son’s pocket money.”
Gayathiri Kamalakanthan, from the School of Sexuality Education, which provides comprehensive and inclusive sex and relationships education workshops for young people in the UK, said that kids who are in self-isolation “still want and need information about relationships and sex”.
Sexuality, gender fluidity, heteronormativity, periods, masturbation and porn consumption do not stop during self-isolation – so neither should learning about them accurately.
She said: “Learning about topics such as sexuality, gender, consent and healthy relationships now will shape their perception of the world and themselves.
“Even if a topic does not seem relevant now, it’s better for young people to have the information before they actually encounter issues.
“They will be able to make informed choices out of confidence and self-assuredness rather than out of insecurity. Sexuality, gender fluidity, heteronormativity, periods, masturbation and porn consumption do not stop during self-isolation – so neither should learning about them accurately.
“Topics such a digital sexual harassment, digital consent and ORpuberty might be especially relevant in this period of time whilst we are online more than ever before.”
Feeling uncomfortable is OK, but ‘shame and embarrassment’ must not be passed on
Kamalakanthan added that her advice to parents who feel too uncomfortable or uninformed to discuss sex and relationships with their kids would be to “spend time teaching yourself”, but added: “It’s important that we try our best not to pass on our learnt shame and embarrassment.”
“There are some really great, free resources online that can help heterosexual/cisgendered/ uninformed parents talk to their kids about LGBT+ identities,” she said.
“It can seem daunting at first – there might be a lot of new vocabulary and it’s easy to confuse different terms. Let your kids know that you are learning with them.
“Tell them that it’s OK to get things wrong as long as you are willing to listen and learn from the people who are best placed to teach you.
“You might find that your child starts teaching you things and that’s great. Listening to what they have to say will empower them – they’ll want to keep learning alongside you.”
Watching videos by people who are comfortable talking about sex and relationships with your child will help you both say them to each other.
If a parent feels embarrassed, she said: “Acknowledging why you feel embarrassed and being open with your child about this if you can is a good place to start.
“Again, informing yourself first, can give you confidence before talking to your child. Saying something like, ‘talking about the body, sex and relationships is normal and healthy. I wasn’t always taught about it openly so hopefully I’ll get better as we speak about it together’, will allow your child to understand where you’re coming from.
“The more you practice saying specific words out loud, the more comfortable you will be with them. Watching videos by people who are comfortable talking about sex and relationships with your child will help you both say them to each other.”
Parents don’t need to have all the answers
While teaching kids about LGBT-inclusive sex and relationships at home is important, parents should not expect themselves to have the answers to everything.
“Be honest,” said Kamalakanthan. “It’s important that your child knows that you are not perfect and that you don’t know all the answers.
“In modelling vulnerability and a willingness to learn, you allow your child to be vulnerable and imperfect too.
“This is necessary to build a foundation of trust and confidence in a learning environment, especially when discussing a topic that is new and personal.
“Something like, ‘That’s a really good question – I don’t know the answer to that right now but I will find out and let you know by tomorrow, is that OK?’ Make sure you do get back to them – if they know you will answer them, they’re more likely to ask more questions.”
Parents shouldn’t worry about not having specific training when discussing RSE topics – the first step is maintaining a relationship where their young people feel able to communicate with them.
Neil Kittle, sexual health promotion officer at HIV and sexual health charity Terrence Higgins Trust, added: “We know parents have a lot on their plates right now but being mindful about teaching their kids about LGBT+ relationships will go a long way to ensuring all young people get the knowledge they need for later life.
“The government has committed to ensuring all schools deliver LGBT-inclusive Relationships and Sex Education lessons but parents also have an important role to help normalise discussions about these topics.”
Kittle continued: “Parents shouldn’t worry about not having specific training when discussing RSE topics – the first step is maintaining a relationship where their young people feel able to communicate with them.
“There’s lots of resources out there to help support discussing relationships and sexual health. Parents shouldn’t feel afraid to help young people carry out their own appropriate research, for example how to access sexual health services and how to test for sexually transmitted infections. This all contributes to empowering young people to take better care of their sexual health and overall wellbeing.
“During this period of lockdown, young people may also be exposed to additional pressures such as sexting or being asked to share images. While these may not be issues parents have first-hand experience of, it’s really important young people feel supported and can talk about concerns they have.”
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Kids Are Watching Pornography.
Here’s How to Talk About It.
I teach sex ed. In light of a recent report on exploitation of children on the site Pornhub, I have some talking points for parents.
By Shafia Zaloom
The New York Times columnist Nicholas Kristof’s recent report on videos of child sexual abuse on the website Pornhub may have parents wondering if their own children are watching Pornhub, or other pornography websites. Others may be appalled by the possibility that their child may view videos of assault and rape, or ask for or send sexually explicit selfies that could end up on social media or a porn site.
All kinds of kids come across porn, and some routinely seek it out, younger than parents might expect. Beware of thinking “not my child.” In my experience as a sex education teacher and national consultant on relationships and consent, I talk about sex with lots of kids. It’s a rare teen who hasn’t seen sexually explicit media — for some, even before having a first kiss.
Here are some talking points and guidelines to consider.
How do I start the conversation?
Before you start the discussion with your children, consider what you might want them to think, learn and know about sexuality and intimacy.
Think about whether the messages you give are about porn or about sex. As Mr. Kristof wrote, “It should be possible to be sex positive and Pornhub negative.”
For younger children, under 10, “If we want children’s understanding of sexuality to be connected to human intimacy, we must talk about how physical and emotional intimacy are related to each other,” said Deborah Roffman, author of “Talk to Me First: Everything You Need to Know to Become Your Kids’ ‘Go-To’ Person About Sex.”
She suggested talking with your child about “cuddling and the amazing feelings it evokes — help them name feeling safe, loved and protected. That physical contact within the context of pornography is the opposite of that.”
It is also important to have parental controls in place on digital devices, to help protect kids from accidentally seeing something disturbing.
For kids in middle school, I provide concrete metaphors to make the point that porn isn’t an accurate portrayal of sex and certainly not of sexual intimacy. I tell my students, “Sometimes people look at porn because they want to learn about sex, but that’s like watching ‘The Fast and the Furious’ to learn how to drive.” Then we watch the trailer for “The Fast and the Furious” and discuss questions like, who was impacted by the driving? What were the consequences? What makes it entertaining to watch? How is it different from real life?
These conversations help my students understand that porn creates highly dramatized, even caricatured images of sex, just as the film does with driving, and that real-life experiences may look very different.
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Try to talk with your teenager openly and honestly, and without judgment, shaming or ultimatums. Choose a time that is private and somewhat casual, like a car ride (which can feel less intensely intimate because eyes are focused ahead and not on each other) or a walk or hike (because an activity and movement serves the same purpose) or late at night after a family movie (kids are smart, they know adults tend to be tired around this time and will talk less and listen more).
This should be the start of a series of conversations, not a one-time lecture. Stick with open-ended “how” and “what” questions, like “What do you think teenagers use pornography for?” Or, “How do you think porn impacts people’s real-life relationships?” Let them be the experts of their own experience and start with what they observe and think about the topic rather than pushing them to tell you about their porn experiences.
What if my kid is embarrassed?
Your teenager is likely to resist any conversation with you about porn — and about any topic related to sex. Still, it’s important for you to raise the issue and make sure your child has the important information they need, even if they don’t seem to want to hear it.
The absence of a response does not necessarily mean that your child is not listening. You can say, for example, “I’ve been wanting to talk to you about porn, but the opportunity hasn’t really come up yet, so I’m just going to share some of the information I think is important.” If you meet resistance, you might continue with, “I know this is awkward and difficult. It is for me, too. I also realize this may or may not be relevant to you, but it’s pervasive in our culture, so I want to make sure you have some important information about porn and healthy relationships.”
What does my kid really need to know?
As part of your conversations, even if they are one-sided, it’s important to include the following messages:
Porn is someone else’s fantasy that doesn’t come from your own imagination and is not reflective of most people’s sexual realities and safe sexuality practices.
Porn is entertainment, and is largely driven by making what sells and what will make a profit.
Performers’ bodies are typically altered and enhanced to curate a specific look.
The models are hired to perform, so it is possible that it’s contractual, not consensual.
There’s nothing private about it. Privacy is a healthy component of a sexual relationship.
What you’re seeing is not realistic on many levels. For example, a 10-minute sex scene may take hours to make. Actors often use erectile enhancers to maintain arousal. If a scene doesn’t come out the way they want it, they just reshoot it. Editing after the fact creates a specific representation.
What if my child has sent a nude?
It is relatively common for children under 18 to ask for, take, send and receive nudes, but doing so can carry real consequences. The federal government considers it trafficking in child pornography, even if you are taking and sending pictures of yourself. Educate yourself on federal laws regarding pornography and your state’s teen sexting laws.
If your child tells you about sending a nude, do your best to stay composed and resist any temptation to interrogate, shame or victim-blame. You may say, “I’m glad that you’ve come to me to tell me.” Focus on the person who has broken trust with your child and is sharing or posting the pictures.
When people’s nude images are posted online without their consent, they may experience the violation as if it had happened in person. It can be devastating. Ask what your child would like to share. Remember that abuse is a disempowering experience; we want survivors to feel they can have autonomy as they navigate their process. Use open-ended questions and their comfort level to guide the conversation. Empower them to make their own choices by offering options and resources like therapeutic counseling or reporting to law enforcement.
How can I help?
As a parent, you have been teaching your children values in all aspects of their lives. Talk about what mutual respect looks, sounds and feels like within a sexual context. It’s important to emphasize that sexual relationships can include both emotional and physical intimacy; the connection usually includes romantic interest and sexual attraction.
Without guidance from the adults in their lives about how pleasurable sexual experiences should look, sound, and feel, kids are working from the representations they see on screens. Make sure to provide age appropriate, medically accurate information about sexuality as well as guidance on how to apply that information to their intimate relationships. Encourage your kids to define gender for themselves, to avoid letting stereotypes shape their actions, and to be sober and brave in social and sexual situations.
Remind them that sexual discovery should be good, exciting and fun for both partners. Most of all, emphasize that sex is not a performance, but a felt experience.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
What Is Gender Non-Conforming?
People Whose Gender Presentation Defies Expectations
A person is considered to be gender non-conforming if their appearance or behavior is not what would be expected for someone else with their same gender or sex. Not every person who is gender non-conforming is transgender or gender diverse, although the two groups are often combined.
People can be cisgender and gender non-conforming. Similarly, many transgender people are highly gender conforming, if given the opportunity to affirm their gender identity socially, medically, and/or surgically.
Identity vs. Perception
People are transgender or gender diverse if their gender identity is not what would be expected for their assigned sex at birth. Their gender identity describes who they are and how they see themselves.
People are gender non-conforming if the way that they present themselves is not what would be expected for someone of their gender or assigned sex at birth. It’s about how they present themselves to the world and/or how they are perceived.
Some people are both gender diverse and gender non-conforming, and some are one but not the other. Sometimes, transgender individuals present as gender non-conforming until they have the opportunity to affirm their gender. Once they have gone through a process of gender affirmation, they may or may not be gender non-conforming any longer.
The Meaning of Gender Non-Conforming
What it means to be gender non-conforming varies across time, place, and culture. A man in a skirt may be seen as gender non-conforming by some and wearing traditional garb by others. A woman with short hair may be seen as chic and fashionable or a terrifying invader into feminine space.1
Gender non-conformity is culturally constructed and, depending on the culture and type of non-conformity, may be perceived in positive or negative ways.
Gender Non-Conformity in Childhood
Much of the confusion about how many gender diverse children grow up to be transgender adults reflects misunderstanding of early studies of gender identity in children. Early studies often examined whether children were gender non-conforming rather than whether they met (modern or past) criteria for being considered transgender.
Children who are gender non-conforming will not necessarily grow up to be transgender. Many of them grow up to be gay or lesbian. Others grow up to be cisgender and heterosexual.
However, children who are insistent that they are a gender other than that associated with their assigned sex, and who are persistent in that belief, are highly likely to grow up to be transgender adults. This is in contrast to children who wish they were the other gender, who are less likely to have a transgender identity in adulthood.
Another way to think of this is that the children first group are worried about how they fit in their bodies, whereas the those in the esecond group are concerned about how they fit in the world.
Many children in the second group may grow up to be part of a sexual minority group—gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc. It is thought that, for some children, gender variance could be a reflection of subconscious assumptions about social roles in the context of attraction.
The association of gender variance with sexual minority status, both in real life and in media , may also provide additional reasons why so many gender non-congruent children experience bullying and discrimination.
Measuring Childhood Gender Conformity
There are a number of different scales that scientists use to measure childhood gender conformity. In general, these scales seek to categorize whether children behave in male-typical or female-typical ways, and whether those behaviors are what would be expected for a child of that recorded sex at birth.
By definition, such scales must make assumptions about what is male-typical and what is female-typical. This can be highly problematic for children who are raised outside of mainstream expectations for gender roles, although such children are also less likely to be in environments where the adults surrounding them are concerned about any gender atypicality.
Gender Non-Conforming Discrimination
The vast majority of children in the United States are taught about traditional gender roles and have heard negative opinions about people who do not conform to them.
This may contribute to beliefs that it is acceptable to bully or mistreat individuals who are gender non-conforming, even among individuals who have been bullied or mistreated for some level of gender non-conformity. That is why it is important to empower educators to discuss and normalize gender non-conformity from an early age.
Research suggests that gender non-conforming youth may be more likely to experience abuse and other adverse childhood events (ACEs).7 Numerous studies have also shown that gender non-conforming people of all ages are at increased risk of bullying, stigma, and discrimination.
Heterosexism and heteronormativity are thought to drive much of the discrimination against people who do not conform to traditional gender roles. Bullying directed at gender non-conforming people is often because of assumptions that they are sexual or gender minorities. and serves to reinforce social norms about gender and sexuality.8 The acceptance of such abuse has therefore been compared to the acceptance of racialized assault, or lynching.
Gender nonconformity is not a medical issue. However, exposure to bullying and discrimination is associated with an increased risk of both physical and mental health concerns.
This can be explained by the minority stress model, which looks at how being part of a stigmatized group can impact different aspects of health and well-being. Gender atypicality has also been shown to be associated with social anxiety, possibly because of the ways that social interactions have been experienced in the past.
A Word From Verywell
There is nothing wrong with being gender non-conforming. Gender role expectations are largely artificial and rely on problematic assumptions of gender essentialism.
They have also been shown to cause problems to all sorts of people, from those who are gender non-conforming to those who are trying very hard to conform to masculine expectations. A broadening of social norms to embrace a wider range of variation in gender roles, behaviors, and presentations has the potential to benefit everybody.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
How parents should talk to their children about sex
Parents and children need to be able to discuss sex – but often they avoid these conversations.
As part of our sex education research, we spoke to UK teenagers about why they don’t talk to their parents about sex. Visions of excruciating embarrassment topped the list. We also spoke to parents who didn’t know how or when to have these conversations, and teachers who reported severe difficulties engaging parents in the sex education of their children.
The good news is teenagers do actually want to speak to their parents about sex and there is evidence that doing so can have a positive impact on their sexual decision making.
The UK government has made relationships and sex education compulsory in secondary schools in England from September 2020, and government guidance recommends that schools engage parents in the process. Here are some tips that will help change these conversations from awkward to normal.
Start early
Some parents told us they hadn’t spoken to their teenager because they weren’t yet having sex. Really, though, these conversations should take place long before then.
A relationships and sexuality education expert who took part in our study shared a useful analogy to explain why. When children are small, parents hold their hands crossing the road, teach them to be careful, gradually increasing independence until they can cross by themselves. It would be silly to not mention the road at all until they were old enough to cross by themselves. This is the approach that should be taken to talking about sex. The earlier it starts, the easier it will be.
Both parents and teenagers report that it’s easier when these conversations start early and when parents talk about sex as they would anything else. Age appropriate conversations from early childhood are best. The golden rule is that if a child is old enough to ask a question, they’re old enough for an honest answer that doesn’t involve storks delivering babies.
However, even if parents have waited until their children have reached puberty, it’s not too late to start. It’s important to remember that both male and female parents have a role and that we must speak to our sons as well as our daughters. Boys are sometimes neglected when it comes to sex education, and there is evidence that some young people prefer to have these conversations with a parent of the same sex.
Learn together
Many parents today will probably have received little or no sex education themselves. They may have only a vague sense of what they should teach their children and an even vaguer sense of how to go about it.
Teenagers today, however, who can ask Google anything, and will have sex education at school, have a fair idea that they’ve learned more about sex than their parents ever did. Teenagers know it and parents know it, and that can make talking about sex appear an insurmountable challenge.
If parents fear not knowing the answer to their child’s questions, there are plenty of workshops, books and online resources available. Many parents told us they learn together with their children by searching online when tricky questions arise.
Avoid the ‘big talk’
It’s best to ditch the big talk in favour of teachable moments. This involves frequent, short conversations when, for example, an issue arises on television or a family friend gets pregnant. This will help avoid embarrassment and normalise talking about sex. Parents also suggest that talking in the car or on a walk helps ease embarrassment, as there is less need to make eye contact.
Listen, don’t lecture
Teenagers in our research study were assigned an activity which involved speaking about sex with their parents. Most didn’t do it. When we asked why, they said they “couldn’t just bring it up at the kitchen table” – because, if they did, they expected a lecture, “You’re not at it already?” or “Don’t tell me you’re pregnant!”. They weighed their options and declined. We really couldn’t blame them.
When children ask a question about sex, it’s always best to listen rather than lecture. Parents should check why their child is asking and then answer as best they can, avoiding the temptation to follow up with a lecture. This will reassure young people that they can expect a nonjudgmental response in the future.
Most parents feel uncomfortable about the prospect of speaking to their children about sex. Young people sense this and dread the thought of watching their parents sweat profusely while struggling to tell them things they already know. When they sense a “big talk” coming on they’ll avoid it like the plague. Then they’ll turn to teachers, older siblings, friends, the internet, pornography or anything else that doesn’t go scarlet at the thought of it.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
How to Have the Sex Talk With Your Teenage Kid
A cheat sheet for making that dreaded conversation a little less awkward, and a lot more effective.
According to experts, if your son is 12, he’s probably seen porn. Have you talked about this with him yet? Do you know what to say? Journalist Peggy Orenstein has interviewed more than 100 teenage boys about their experiences with sex, porn, and gender for her book Boys & Sex, and she says we need to pay more attention to boys’ sense of male identity. Masculinity doesn’t always have to be “toxic,” but we need to find better ways to teach our sons what it means to have a healthy understanding of relationships. In this recent episode on How To!, Peggy breaks down how to have a productive conversation with your son about sex in a way that won’t make you—or your kid—die of embarassment. This transcript has been condensed and edited for clarity.
Charles Duhigg: How did you get to writing about toxic masculinity?
Peggy Orenstein: I have spent 25 years writing about girls and women—before Boys & Sex, my most recent book was Girls & Sex, which was about the kind of contradictions that young women still faced in their intimate encounters. As I went around the country after publishing that book, everywhere that I went, parents and boys themselves would say, “What about boys? When will you write about boys?” The more I thought about it, the more I realized that, in fact, nobody was talking to boys. More importantly, nobody was really listening to boys. So I started doing some interviews and then very quickly after I started that, the MeToo allegations began and suddenly everybody was talking about sexual misconduct and the idea of toxic masculinity. It created this imperative to reduce sexual violence, but also, I thought, a positive opportunity to engage young men in conversations about issues of sex and intimacy and gender dynamics because we really have to know what’s going on in their heads so that we can guide them toward better and more informed choices.
And what is going on in their heads?
I felt there were two things going on at once. On the one hand, they saw girls as equal in the classroom, deserving of educational professional opportunities, and so on. But, on the other hand, when I would say, describe the ideal guy to me, it was like they were channeling 1955. It went immediately back to dominance, aggression, athleticism, and sex as status-seeking. And the really big one, of course, was emotional suppression. What they would say most often was that they felt that the two emotions they were allowed were happiness and anger. So that whole bucket of emotions that boys learn around sadness, betrayal, frustration—anything like that gets funneled into one emotion.
I would ask boys what they liked about being a guy and that was a lot harder for them to answer honestly. I think that with girls—this is not to say that everything is OK in girl world—but we’ve given them this alternative identity to traditional conventional femininity that they can embrace and grow into and feel good about, but that hasn’t happened with boys.
When you’ve talked to boys or their parents who have had conversations about sex and gender in positive ways, how did the conversation go?
I mean ideally, we start our conversations with our children from birth when we’re naming body parts correctly. We think about sex as this siloed thing separate from every other aspect of our humanity and citizenship, but it’s really not. It all connects. I liken it to table manners. If I said to you, “I want you to sit down with your child and tell them that, ‘This is your fork. This is your knife. Say please and thank you. Ask to be excused at the end of the meal. OK, go forth and be polite,’” that would be ridiculous. You know that you have to tell your child to say “thank you” a million times during their childhood before they do it reflexively. They don’t do it on their own. And so talking about all of these things about sex can’t be done in one conversation. They have to be then tiny things that are kind of peppered throughout.
And if you’re in a situation where you have two parents who are on board and, moreover, you have a male father figure who is really willing to talk to boys, that is gold. You don’t have to be perfect and you don’t have to know all the answers. You don’t have to do it right every time. But just trying and indicating a willingness to have difficult, uncomfortable conversations that you don’t know how to have—what an amazing thing that is to show to your child.
I’ve read these things that say kids are exposed to sexualized messages and porn earlier. But when it comes to my 12-year-old, I don’t even know if he’s really seen porn. So if I have that conversation too early, I’m worried that he doesn’t know what I’m talking about and it’s weird and scary for him, but if I wait too long, then it’s too late.
So often the first exposure to porn is accidental. It’s not something that they’re seeking. It’s somebody forwarding a meme or somebody turning their phone around and thinking it’s funny. So they may be exposed to graphic sexual images before they’re looking for them for sexual gratification. But boys between 11 and 13 tend to start seeking porn out intentionally. So if your kids are that age, there’s a great website called amaze.org that does sex education for middle schoolers. They have some really good information for kids and parents on how to have an age-appropriate conversation about pornography.
Also, I think you need to look at mainstream media. I remember being with my daughter when she was 11, and I asked her if she knew what porn was and she said she did, but she hadn’t seen it. Then we went home and we were watching some movie on Netflix and it had a generic sex scene, but it was the kind of thing that we see a million times, which is kiss, kiss, rip off clothes, go immediately to heterosexual intercourse up against a wall or in bed. In two seconds everybody’s having a simultaneous orgasm and it’s over. They are getting a terribly distorted idea about sex! And one thing that I find in talking to older boys is that guys who are regular porn users express less satisfaction with their partnered interactions, with their own performance, and with their partner’s bodies. And so I think grounding these conversations in the idea that we want you to have a good sex life, but mainstream media is not showing you the way to get there.
I have a friend who says that her son will only have conversations with her if she’s sitting outside of his bedroom door, he’s sitting inside his bedroom, the door is closed except for a two-inch crack, and they talk through that. You might have to find creative ways so that you’re not sitting down looking him in the face during these conversations. It might be less squirmy if you’re engaged in some other activity at the same time.
Most of what our kids are actually seeing on the internet is social media, and they may see jokes that are insensitive or sexist. How do we teach our kids to be exposed to this barrage of information that we can’t control or really even know what they’re seeing?
That is the trick, isn’t it? I think the truth is that right now, all our kids are going to suddenly pop up with something in a conversation that’s going to make you go, “What the hell?” It’s really hard to know what your kid is looking at all the time, but I think that we, as parents, have a tendency to think that what’s going on in their online world is lesser or not really real. But it’s very real to them and it has a huge impact. Particularly during the pandemic when everything has moved online, they’re having their childhood online. So I just wanna express total empathy and support, because we are all, as parents, contending with this. It’s just so new.
I think it can all really come back to not just the golden rule—which is treating people the way that you would want to be treated—but the platinum rule: How does that person want to be treated? How do we see that person, whether it’s gender, sexual orientation, or just the individual person? Thinking about others from their perspective is an act of empathy and that is going to be good for your child in so many ways.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
How College Students Can Have Safer Sex This Semester
As some students return to campus, here are four ways to think about sexual health in the age of COVID-19.
Over half of colleges and universities across the country are planning on fully remote or hybrid semesters this school year, leaving students who rely on their school’s free or low-cost sexual health services in a temporary health desert. Even at schools that plan to reopen for on-campus instruction, their health centers may be closed or operating at reduced capacity.
During a normal year, sexuality is one of the major health realms that get attention in higher ed (at least from campus wellness departments). But as a result of pandemic-induced budget cuts, many institutions have laid off or furloughed employees, straining already small health and wellness departments. Meanwhile, the burden of planning for COVID-19 safety may have fallen to health promotion staff, leaving them with little capacity for other health promotion work.
Attention is rightly focused on COVID-19, but sexual health is an essential part of that strategy.
COVID-19 has been found in fecal matter, which means anal play (especially analingus) is considered risky for COVID-19 transmission. Some recent studies have shown that the virus may also be present in semen, which raises further questions about whether it can be sexually transmitted. And, of course, sex generally involves heavy breathing, close contact, and saliva—all of which make transmission of COVID-19 easier.
Any type of partnered sex during the pandemic is risky. But while encouraging students to engage in solo sex rather than partnered sex is great, know that students are still going to be having partnered sex—and not just with longtime partners.
No level of social distancing guidelines or disciplinary measures will keep students from having sex—that isn’t realistic. So instead of going the abstinence-until-the-pandemic-is-over route, here are four practical ways educators can support student sexual health.
Stock up on barrier methods
If campus is reopening and you’re preparing for how you’ll distribute masks and hand sanitizer to your students, make barrier methods widely available, too.
Most college campuses usually have some number of free condoms (and, on occasion, dental dams) available to students. Stockpile a larger supply than you usually do and consider it a form of personal protective equipment.
If your health center is closed or operating at reduced capacity, sexually transmitted infection (STI) testing may be more difficult to access. By making barrier methods more widely available, you’re helping to slow the transmission of STIs, too.
Student leaders can apply for Advocates for Youth’s Condom Collective, and if accepted, they’ll be sent 500 condoms to distribute on campus. Staff members can purchase discounted external condoms, dental dams, and other sexual health products by signing up for a nonprofit account with a company like Global Protection Corp. (the maker of ONE Condoms).
Students and staff alike can also reach out to their local health department, HIV and AIDS advocacy organization, or Planned Parenthood affiliate for barrier methods.
If you typically make barrier methods available by leaving them in communal bowls so students can anonymously grab them, you’ll need to reconsider your methods. Some campuses offer free barrier method delivery to students’ mailboxes—check out CHOICE at Vassar for some inspiration.
Use programs strategically (and don’t be afraid to experiment)
Higher education professionals are well-prepared to host self-care programs—they likely already make up a significant part of the wellness calendar. During the pandemic, that can be expanded even further.
Students will be more isolated than usual, so set aside time to come up with strategic virtual or socially distant programming that can help ease loneliness, stress, and physical discomfort. Livestreamed fitness classes and workshops can give students a task to focus on that promotes pandemic safety as well as their physical and mental health.
Sexual health programming is one component of this. Solo sex is the least risky type of sex (both during the pandemic and in general) so consider virtual workshops that help destigmatize masturbation, emphasize effective communication, or—more broadly—teach students the sex ed they probably didn’t get in high school.
If you plan to distribute barrier methods, consider creating digital programs that can educate students on how to properly use them and what types of sex acts they can be used for. Students may not think about using a barrier method for oral sex most of the time, but health promotion campaigns can help them understand why they should consider it during the pandemic.
Remember that sexual health services are essential
Your institution might be paring back on “nonessential” student services to reduce the number of staff members on campus at one time. But remember, sexual health is an essential part of overall health.
Abortions and preventive care are both harder to access during the pandemic, so think about how your students’ sexual health concerns could be amplified as a result of COVID-19.
If your campus wellness center isn’t able to accommodate common sexual health appointments like STI testing or prescriptions for PrEP, birth control, emergency contraception, gender-affirming hormones, and STI treatments, you can make resources available to educate students on what other options are available to them.
Perhaps you book the mobile STI testing unit for twice as many visits as you normally do, so students can still get quick testing while not crowding together outside the bus (and so the testing staff can sanitize).
You could partner with a telehealth provider to complete appointments virtually. Or look toward telehealth sexual wellness services (like Nurx) to provide students with the services they need. If your campus is fully or mostly remote this semester, send your students information about where they can get free HIV and STI tests. You can even add the Center for Disease Control and Prevention’s testing locator to your website.
Figure out where the gaps are and how you might be able to fill them. You won’t have the capacity to completely fill all of the gaps, but providing students with options and information is necessary.
Leave shame out of it
If you’re in a position where you’ll have to discipline students who aren’t abiding by the COVID-19 guidelines your campus has adopted, you’ll likely soon be feeling a lot of frustration. Most students are going to be following those guidelines to the best of their ability, but the reality is that not everyone will.
So take the sex ed approach: Shame doesn’t do anyone any good. Shaming someone for their behavior just makes them more likely to hide or lie about what they’re doing.
Being on campus during the pandemic is risky—that’s just the reality. Our pandemic precautions might reduce that potential risk (by limiting social gatherings, pushing classes online, and changing how common spaces operate), but ultimately, risk will still be there. So add in a harm reduction approach, too.
Instead of punishing the students you come across making out in the student union, have a conversation about role modeling and respecting their classmates’ comfort. Make sure they have access to the health services and barrier methods they need.
Leaving shame and judgment out of the equation can be uncomfortable for many people—especially when tensions are already high and patience may be running thin—but it’s one essential part of supporting sexual health and living during a pandemic.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
The ‘Keep It Real Online’ campaign wants parents to talk to kids about porn — but where to start?
The hugely successful “Keep It Real Online” video aimed at getting parents to talk to their children about pornography has gone viral and been praised around the world. But my 16-year-old son asked an interesting question when he looked at the campaign website:
Why does it say talk “to” your child? Shouldn’t it be “with”?
This is why I always ask his opinion about how he makes sense of the world. As a sexuality educator for over 30 years, a university lecturer and mother of two teenage sons, it has been my privilege to listen to people’s stories of sexuality and the impact on their lives.
Some have been uplifting and some are simply heartbreaking. Either way, young people and adults generally want to reflect on the complicated, messy and often irrational nature of sex and relationships. They also want to talk about joy, pleasure, intimacy and love.
Young people want better sex and relationship education
So any discussion of pornography inevitably leads to a broader conversation – much like the one we imagine is about to take place in that viral video.
In case you haven’t watched it, two naked porn actors arrive at an ordinary home to talk to a boy who has been watching them online. The mother who answers the door is understandably surprised and a little lost for words. But in the end she tells her son they need to talk about the difference between the online and real worlds.
The video provides an excellent starting point for parents and children to have conversations about our understanding of sex, relationships and gender.
As the research continues to show, young people want better sexuality education from the adults in their lives. But what does better sexuality education look, sound and feel like to young people?
Before parents can talk with their children, they first need to reflect on how ideas about pornography are in turn shaped by broader socio-cultural values and attitudes towards young people, sex, relationships and the digital world.
Too often, parents’ anxieties about the loss of childhood innocence make them feel they need to be the expert who talks to their child about the dangers of pornography.
You might define this as a fear-based approach, and it can lead to young people having feelings of shame and guilt for being curious about sex. Very often this can be the end of the conversation.
Listening rather than explaining
It’s not easy, but parents should try not to let their own worries about pornography override their capacity to talk with, rather than to, their children about all aspects of sexuality. By doing so they will also help young people explore and develop their own critical thinking and media literacy.
My current research explores how 56 New Zealand parents understand and experience sexuality education with their children. Embarrassment and feeling unprepared continue to make it difficult for parents and young people to talk about sex, let alone porn.
If they do talk about pornography, we’re finding it is challenging to shift from being the parent who knows and explains to the one who asks open questions, listens and invites their child to share their world view.
But the fact is, as extensive research from the New Zealand Classification Office has shown, many young people have already seen pornography. The top two reasons they give are curiosity and that they found it by accident.
As adults and parents we need to remember that young people are sexual beings who are curious about sex. They often report that parental messaging doesn’t match their own feelings and experiences.
Letting young people lead the conversation
For those reasons, a conversation about pornography as a social, cultural, personal and highly complex issue can be a way into a deeper discussion.
From there we can explore what it means to navigate the bumpy roads of sex and relationships. Sexuality education by parents sometimes tries to smooth out those bumps with information and advice rather than shared discussion. Yet it’s through the emotional wrestle with social and cultural expectations that our sexual selves develop.
We need to allow young people to narrate their own lived experiences. At the same time, we should foster their ability to critique the wider moral landscapes in which they live.
Embrace sexuality as messy, complex, irrational, emotional and part of being human. Don’t look for the “right” answers from young people. Allow them to explore the emotional complexity and joy of sexuality. In this way, online access to pornography becomes just another intersection on their sexuality journey.
That is the beauty of the “Keep It Real Online” video – it’s humour allows us to ask young people open-ended questions. What should adults really be saying to young people? What do they think about pornography? What do they think constitutes a healthy relationship? Who is advantaged and disadvantaged by the porn industry?
Most of all, pause, breathe, don’t judge. Young people are far more insightful than adults sometimes give them credit. They are constantly watching, learning and working out how society expects them to behave.
Sometimes parents need to be open – but keep their mouths shut!
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Keeping Kids Curious About Their Bodies Without Shame
It’s natural and entirely harmless for young children to explore. But it’s also important for parents to set boundaries.
By Jenny Marder
A mother received an awkward email from her son’s kindergarten teacher last fall. Her 6-year-old and his friends had been caught unzipping their pants and flashing each other during lunch. The behavior was not unusual for his age, the teacher wrote, but it was inappropriate at school. She had spoken with him, and she hoped the parents could address it at home, too.
Now I’m not saying that mother was me. (I’m also not saying it’s not me.) but I can personally attest to the difficulty of handling this kind of situation as a parent.
The list of body behavior that makes parents uncomfortable is long. It’s not uncommon to see little ones get naked in public, or stick their hands down their pants, or in this case, compare penises in the school cafeteria — and then, all worked up by the event, shout out words like “penis” and “butt,” disrupting afternoon lessons. Did I forget to mention that part? And while this may be happening less in public with the pandemic, there’s plenty of body curiosity at home that can give parents pause.
But as the teacher said, all of this behavior is totally age-appropriate. Yet school rules must be followed, and limits must be set. So how do we do that while communicating that body curiosity is healthy and normal? How do we talk to our kids about body boundaries without making them feel ashamed?
Affirm body curiosity, don’t shame
The body is a child’s first classroom, says Deborah Roffman, a human sexuality educator, consultant and author of “Talk to Me First: Everything You Need to Know to Become Your Kids’ ‘Go To’ Person About Sex.” The sounds that bodies make and the stuff that comes out of them — they find it all “endlessly fascinating,” she said.
It’s perfectly natural for infants and toddlers to explore their genitals, especially as diapers come off and these parts are more accessible. By age 4 or 5, this behavior can become more intentional, Ms. Roffman said, and it is all “normal, expected and entirely harmless.”
Talking with young children about their bodies and sexuality paves the way for open communication as they get older, said Tanya Coakley, Ph.D., a professor at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro who has studied how parents communicate with their children about sex, with a focus on African-American fathers and sons. Those talks will positively influence children’s comfort with their bodies and the likelihood they will come to their parents with questions later on. Research analyzed by Dr. Coakley and co-author Schenita D. Randolph, Ph.D., of the Duke University School of Nursing, also showed that these conversations ultimately lower the chances of unwanted pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases and other risky sexual behaviors.
“What’s essential is to have the lines of communication open, where it’s honest, nonjudgmental and nurturing,” Dr. Coakley said.
There are many motivations and impulses at play when kids touch themselves or shed their clothes in public. Touching genitals can feel pleasurable or soothing, Ms. Roffman said. Sometimes kids get naked because they’re having fun; other times they’re testing limits. But all of it is rooted in healthy exploration. What sets a child up for shame, she said, is experiencing good feelings while doing something they’ve been told is bad.
Shame is a powerful emotion, and it can damage how children view themselves and their bodies, she said. “It’s also very confusing when they’re not sure what it was they did that was so wrong. They’re left with a kind of diffuse anxiety about it.”
Saleema Noon, a sexual health educator in Vancouver, and author of the book, “Talk Sex Today: What Kids Need to Know and How Adults can Teach Them,” added, “We want kids to learn from a young age that sexual feelings are healthy. If they’re exploring their genitals, and they get the feeling from those around them that what they’re doing is bad or dirty, it’s going to impact them in a negative way, and they’re going to take that forward into their relationships.”
Use the correct words for body parts
Language can either empower children or cripple their ability to communicate, Roffman said. Just as we need to know the difference between the face and the throat, young girls should know the difference between the vulva and the vagina. Likewise, we should avoid associating silly or slang words with body parts or using avoidance words like “privates,” she said.
“A teacher might hesitate to say ‘penis’,” Ms. Roffman said. “And wouldn’t it be a wonderful world if we didn’t hesitate? These are just body parts, not second-class body parts.”
Set boundaries on time and place
Setting limits should go hand in hand with positively affirming the body and behavior, Ms. Roffman said. If a child is touching his genitals in a public place, you might say, “I know that feels good to you. The body is good, and it brings good feelings. And if you look around, you’ll see people don’t touch their genitals around other people. But you can do that in your bedroom or in the bathroom anytime you want” or “I know it’s fun to get naked, but in school, we keep our clothes on while we play.”
Games, like “playing doctor,” stem from children’s innate curiosity about their bodies, and parents shouldn’t worry, as long as the children are about the same age and neither is pressuring the other, Ms. Roffman said. In fact, she said, adults would do well to respect the children’s curiosity and walk away. But if it occurs during a playdate and you’re not sure of the other family’s view, another option is to redirect the kids to a different activity and state a clear limit: “When we have friends over, we keep our clothes on.” (It helps if you’ve set this rule ahead of time.)
Noon, however, said it’s best to calmly put a stop to the game. “What my experience tells me is that it’s best to teach these boundaries in a very clear way when they’re young, so that they’re not misunderstood.” Then check in with the kids later to acknowledge their healthy curiosity and make sure they know they’re not in trouble, Noon advised.
Such encounters can also be an opportunity to teach our kids about consent, she added. “We need to teach our kids the word, ‘No.’ And that they’re the boss of their bodies.”
Let children know when touch by others is not OK
As these talks about the body become a habit, it becomes easier to talk with kids about body behavior that’s not appropriate. One in four girls and one in 13 boys experience child sexual abuse at some point in childhood, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. And age 5 is a good time to start addressing unwanted touch, said Dr. Coakley, who began her career working in child welfare.
There are a few messages you want to get across in these conversations, she said. Let them know that there’s touch that’s OK — a parent or another caregiver giving a child a bath or changing a diaper, or a doctor doing an exam, for example; and touch that isn’t OK.
“Unless it’s for a reason we talked about, it’s not OK for an older person to touch your penis or vulva or mouth,” you might say. And, “If someone touches or looks at you in a way that doesn’t feel right, tell another adult right away.”
Also, Dr. Coakley said, make it clear to your child that an adult should never ask them to keep a secret. Prevent Child Abuse America has more information on this, along with non-touching offenses that constitute abuse, such as showing a child pornography, and how parents can protect their children and educate themselves.
Practice having the conversation beforehand
These are all subjects that make parents anxious, which can cloud common sense. In having these conversations, Dr. Coakley suggests role playing the dialogue ahead of time with a partner or a friend, noticing not just your word choice, but also your body language and tone. And if you’re not comfortable saying the words “penis,” “scrotum,” “vagina” or “vulva,” practice. The more you say them, the easier it gets.
While it’s typically mothers who broach this subject with their kids, fathers have tremendous value to add, said Natasha Cabrera, Ph.D., a professor of human development at the University of Maryland who specializes in cultural and ethnic differences in parenting behaviors. Men tend to be more blunt and direct, she said, and more likely to provide information without censoring, all of which children find refreshing.
And the best way to meet the curiosity that drives all of this body behavior is with information, Cabrera said. Read a book with your kid that shows pictures of body parts and their systems, for example.
So when things come up, take a deep breath, and lean on honesty and facts.
Not long after that 6-year-old showed his penis to his friends at school, his mother found him comparing his genitals with his little sister in the bathtub. This mom opted to freak out at the sight, then have a hushed conversation her spouse in the next room and then separate the children, muttering something about “too much curiosity.”
But parents could also take a beat and ask themselves: Is there a power dynamic going on? Is one child pressuring the other? Are they both having fun? It may be that our worries as parents have less to do with our children’s behavior and more about how we’ve been conditioned to respond to it. And maybe what the children were doing wasn’t so bad. In fact, maybe, it was a perfectly healthy way for them to learn.
As Roffman put it, “If you take the sex part out, you get your common sense back.”
They’re just body parts, after all.
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