What Does It Mean To Be Sapiosexual?

4 Telltale Signs

If you’re confused about sapiosexuality, you’re not alone. Even as people gain more awareness of LGBTQ+ identities, this one rarely enters the common conversation. Here’s everything you need to know about being sapiosexual.

What is sapiosexual?

People who are sapiosexual are physically and emotionally turned on by intelligence. Sapiosexuals think that intelligence is the most attractive trait and value it more than a potential partner’s looks or even personality.

“Sapiosexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by sexual and erotic attraction to potential partners who are, first and foremost, intelligent,” sex and relationship therapist Casey Tanner, LCPC, tells mbg. “In these cases, intelligence is the genuine ‘turn-on,’ not the status, job, or financial benefits that might accompany intelligence.”

Signs of sapiosexuality:

1. You are drawn to a potential partner’s intelligence more than looks or personality.

Sapiosexuals are most drawn to or turned on by another person’s intellect, according to Kryss Shane, LMSW, dual-licensed social worker and LGBTQ+ expert. “A sapiosexual person may be more interested in discussing books or politics with someone on a first date rather than trying to begin a sexual relationship immediately,” she says. “They may have an online dating profile that focuses more on their career or their academic goals than on trying to find someone to engage in sex with.”

If you find yourself most drawn to someone’s intellect, this is a very good sign you are sapiosexual.

2. Intellectual conversations turn you on.

Sapiosexuals are not only drawn to a potential partner’s intellect—they are often physically turned on by intelligence. If political debates or long discussions about literature really get you in the mood for sex, this is another sign that you are sapiosexual.

“For sapiosexual folks, intelligence isn’t just icing on the cake for an already attractive partner; it is intelligence itself that drives arousal,” Tanner says. “Sapiosexual individuals not only enjoy intellectual conversation; they might also feel aroused by it.”

3. You need to have an intellectual discussion before sex crosses your mind.

For most sapiosexual people, it’s impossible to feel comfortable dating or getting intimate with someone before you’ve had a good, long cerebral chat.

“Sapiosexual people might find that it’s difficult to connect sexually with a potential partner until they’ve engaged in some form of intellectual discussion,” Tanner says. “Intellectual connection may be considered far more effective foreplay than even physical touch.”

If you struggle to connect with a potential partner before chatting about their favorite books or political views, this is good sign you might be sapiosexual.

4. Intellectual spark is more important to you than even the emotional spark.

Often, sapiosexuality can be confused with demisexuality, an orientation characterized by only experiencing sexual attraction to someone after making an emotional connection with them. While there is some overlap between the two orientations, there is also a distinct difference.

“Sapiosexuality is the need to build an intellectual attraction before a sexual attraction will occur, while demisexuality is the need to build an emotional connection before a sexual attraction will occur,” Shane explains. “For a sexual attraction to begin, a sapiosexual person is seeking someone on the same intellectual level they are on, whereas a demisexual person is seeking someone who will share their feelings and emotions.”

Is sapiosexual a real sexual orientation?

Despite sapiosexuality entering discussions about sexual identity more and more, there are many who still do not view sapiosexuality as a real orientation. Some queer people have also argued that sapiosexual people should not be included in the LGBTQ+ umbrella because it’s not related to gender preferences in the same way identities like pansexual, heteroflexible, and others clearly are. However, some sexuality experts advocate that sapiosexuality is a valid orientation and should be considered as such.

“Sapiosexuality is not an orientation in that orientation is about the gender identity of the partner or potential partner,” Shane explains. “A sapiosexual person can identify as gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, or greysexual. Sapiosexuality is how the person develops their attraction to someone. It is the how, not the who, of their attraction experience.”

“As a sex therapist, I make it a priority not to yuck someone’s yum, so to speak,” Tanner adds. “And as a queer person, I know what it feels like to have my orientation invalidated. I just don’t see a need to devalue something that is true for someone else.”

Ultimately, labels are only helpful if they allow you to feel more comfortable and confident in your sexuality. If the term “sapiosexual” feels right and valid to you, then you should use it.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

August 17, 2021

18 Types of Sexuality To Know for Greater Understanding About Yourself and Others

By Korin Miller

There are a number of different types of sexuality, and by learning about each, you can cultivate a better understanding about yourself and others. And since language is always evolving, staying abreast of the different types of sexuality is important for both creating an authentic relationship with yourself and being an inclusive ally for all people. “The constantly evolving lexicon provides more options that can help people explore themselves,” says Corey Flanders, PhD, sexual-health disparities researcher and associate professor of psychology and education at Mount Holyoke College. “The range of sexuality terms available means that more people will find something that resonates with their experience.”

Words matter, and when those words connect to nuanced forms of identity, they matter even more. Such is the case for why it’s so important for all people to understand the different types of sexuality. To contextualize it differently, consider Dr. Flanders’ following example about ice cream: “I had a teacher once who described it in terms of ice cream flavors,” she says. “What if your favorite ice cream flavor was kale, but you never knew that about yourself because it was never an option? And then one day, maybe you come across kale ice cream and love it, and now understand yourself as a person whose favorite ice cream is kale-flavored.”

“Sexuality is full of diversity, and awareness of different types helps build acceptance and understanding of these differences.” —Shannon Chavez, PsyD, sexologist

The implications of understanding the different types of sexuality are, of course, further reaching and more important than ice cream flavors. “Sexuality is full of diversity, and awareness of different types helps build acceptance and understanding of these differences,” says Shannon Chavez, PsyD, resident sex therapist with K-Y. “It breaks down stereotypes, judgments, and myths about different sexual populations. Sexuality is a central part of your identity and who you are, and learning more about your own sexuality as well as others’ can be an empowering and positive experience.”

To be sure, understanding your own sexuality can be beneficial for myriad reasons. It “can help you connect to other folks who share a similar experience, which we know is important for supporting the health and well-being of queer people,” Dr. Flanders says. “For me personally, I grew up in a time and a place where bisexuality and queerness weren’t options that were known to me. Once I met people who used those terms to describe themselves, it provided a framework for me to understand myself and my sexuality in a way that enabled me to communicate it to myself and others.”

And in fact, learning about the types of sexuality—even if you feel you already have a strong understanding of your own identity—can help destigmatize and remove shame surrounding the space for others. “I do believe we are going through a new sexual revolution where people are more open with their unique identities, bringing awareness to pronouns and gender identities, and freedom to express who you are sexually without fear and shame,” Dr. Chavez says.

While, again, the types of sexuality are constantly evolving and growing, below, you can find a breakdown of many up-to-date terms and their meaning, according to the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) and the University of Connecticut’s Rainbow Center:

18 types of sexuality to know about for a deeper understanding of yourself and others

1. Allosexual

This is a person who experiences sexual attraction.

2. Aromantic

An aromantic is one of many romantic orientations that describes someone who experiences little or no romantic attraction to another person.

3. Androsexual

An androsexual is sexually attracted to men or masculinity.

4. Asexual

People who are asexual have a lack of attraction to other people.

5. Bicurious

A person who is bicurious is interested in or curious about having sex with someone whose sex or gender is different from their usual sexual partners.

6. Bisexual

A bisexual is someone who is emotionally, romantically, or sexually attracted to more than one sex, gender, or gender identity. This is a term that is sometimes used interchangeably with “pansexual,” which more specifically describes someone who is attracted to people without regard to their gender identity.

7. Demiromantic

This is a person who has little or no ability to feel romantically attracted to someone until they form a strong sexual or emotional connection with a person.

8. Demisexual

A demisexual does not experience sexual attraction until they have a strong romantic connection with someone.

9. Gay

A person who is gay is emotionally, romantically, or sexually attracted to people of the same gender identity. This term is often used by men, women, and non-binary people.

10. Heteroflexible

People who are heteroflexible often identify as heterosexual but may experience situational attraction that falls outside of that.

11. Heterosexual

This term describes people who identify as men who are attracted to people who identify as women, and vice versa.

12. Lesbian

A lesbian is someone who identifies a woman or as non-binary who is emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to other women. The term is used by women and non-binary people.

13. LGBTQ

This acronym is used for “lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer.”

14. Pansexual

A pansexual is a person who has the potential for emotional, romantic or sexual attraction to people of any gender identity or sexual orientation.

15. Queer

This term describes a spectrum of sexual identities other than exclusively heterosexual.

16. Questioning

People who consider themselves questioning are currently exploring their sexual orientation.

17. Same-gender loving

This is a term that’s used by some people instead of “lesbian,” “gay,” or “bisexual” to explain their attraction to someone of the same gender identity.

18. Skoliosexual

A person who is skoliosexual is attracted to people who are non-binary.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

December 27, 2020December 26, 2020

What Does It Mean to Be Sexually Fluid?

by Crystal Raypole

At this point in time, experts have disproved many of the myths surrounding sexual orientation.

Like the color of your eyes or the shape of your nose, orientation is a trait many are born with or grow into over time.

Maybe in high school, for example, you developed crushes on people of one gender only. In college, you found yourself attracted to people of different genders.

Now, as an adult, you mostly date people of one gender but occasionally feel a flash of sexual attraction for people of other genders.

Does that mean you’re confused? Can’t make up your mind? That your college attractions were just a phase? No, no, and absolutely not.

No one can define your orientation for you, but the concept of sexual fluidity can help explain your experiences.

Sexual fluidity, in short, means your sexual orientation isn’t permanently fixed.

Yes, everyone has an underlying orientation — asexual, pansexual, or heterosexual, for example. Yet there’s room for it to expand a little, based on your experiences and current situation.

It can help to think of orientation as a spectrum that includes people of all genders. Sexually fluid people tend to experience attractions at different points along the spectrum as they go through life.

Maybe you grew up thinking you were only attracted to men, until you had a few flings with people of other genders. After a few years, you felt most attracted to men again, but you couldn’t say for certain whether that would always be the case.

These changes in how you experience romantic and sexual attraction are totally valid.

“Fluidity is an absolutely normal aspect of sexual orientation,” explains Will Zogg, a Washington therapist who specializes in gender affirming counseling.

“Attraction is far more complex than many people can communicate,” says Zogg. “And fluidity and the presentation of sexuality vary widely across cultures, age, access, and region.”

He goes on to say people sometimes interpret fluidity as confusion, or betrayal of an allegiance to a specific community.

“As a result of the stigma around fleeting same-sex attraction and consequences for that ‘betrayal,’ normal feelings of love and sex and curiosity often get swept under the rug, where the limits of Western societal norms keep them hidden,” explains Zogg.

If you’re sexually fluid, you might notice most of your sexual experiences and attractions fit under the label you use to identify yourself.

The key word here is “most,” since you’ll probably have a few outlier experiences that fall elsewhere on the spectrum.

Here’s an example:

You’ve only ever felt attracted to women. Then you develop a close relationship with a nonbinary friend. Your physical and emotional closeness eventually lead to a crush.

You think about kissing, touching, even having sex with them. Maybe you act on those desires, maybe you don’t. Eventually, you spend a little less time together, and your attraction fades, leaving you primarily attracted to women once again.

This one experience may not lead you to redefine your sexual orientation, but it does suggest some fluidity.

Close friendships sometimes fuel romantic feelings that lead to sexual desire, but attraction can exist without you acting on it.

Fluidity, by definition, changes over time, so you could develop a similar attraction in the future.

Though fluidity adds an extra factor in the equation of attraction, it won’t necessarily change your sexual behavior.

“What Westerners refer to as fluidity in sexuality (and in gender) is not a new idea for many cultures,” Zogg notes.

Researchers and anthropologists have explored fluidity across cultures and history. In terms of Western research, this concept has had many names, including erotic plasticityTrusted Source.

The term sexual fluidity comes from the research of psychologist and professor Dr. Lisa Diamond, who drew attention to the concept with her 2009 book, “Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire.”

In theory, yes, anyone can experience this fluidity, but not everyone does. Plenty of people only ever feel attracted to one gender.

While people of any gender can be sexually fluid, existing research suggests women tend to experience the most fluidity. Of course, this doesn’t mean all women are sexually fluid.

“Some sexually fluid men may feel more reluctant to talk about the range of attraction they experience, in part due to gender and sexuality stereotypes,” Zogg points out.

“They might avoid commenting on masculine celebrities they consider attractive, for example, or hesitate to express closeness to a male best friend,” says Zogg.

Most definitely, yes. Attraction, like orientation, is something you can’t control.

You might feel more attracted to one gender for a while, then your attraction might shift elsewhere on the spectrum.

Maybe you choose not to express or act on certain attractions, and that’s OK. All the same, you typically can’t pick and choose what part of the spectrum your attraction settles on at any given point in life.

Sexually fluid people might notice attraction shows up in a range of ways.

You could feel sexually attracted to people of one gender but develop stronger romantic feelings for people of another gender.

Maybe one specific person brings out feelings you’ve never had before. Though their traits don’t align with what you’d normally consider your “type,” you feel drawn to this specific excitement or arousal response.

You might also notice the characteristics that appeal to you in more masculine people are completely separate from the characteristics that you look for in more feminine people.

It’s pretty common to act differently on varying types of attraction.

You might:

enjoy kissing and cuddling partners of one gender but only have sex with people of another gender
enjoy a specific type of sex with one gender, but have different kinds of sex with other genders
develop romantic attachments with people of one gender and pursue physical relationships with people of other genders

These are all valid relationship styles. Just take care to practice good communication!

On the surface, sexual fluidity might seem pretty similar to bisexuality and pansexuality. Remember, though, bisexuality and pansexuality are orientations, and sexual fluidity is not.

Bisexuality doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone, but it’s typically recognized as a fairly consistent attraction to two groups: people of your gender and people of other genders.

Some people who identify as bisexual might only feel attracted to people of two genders. Others might develop attractions to people of multiple genders.

Pansexuality, on the other hand, means you might experience attraction to any person, regardless of their gender. In other words, you’re attracted to people of all genders.

You can be both sexually fluid and bisexual or pansexual. For example:

Sexually fluid pansexual people might occasionally feel most attracted to people of one gender, then more attracted to different genders again.
Sexually fluid bisexual people might temporarily feel more attracted to one gender over another, but this won’t permanently alter their overall attraction to people of other genders.
You might describe yourself as sexually fluid when you generally identify with an orientation that doesn’t consistently represent every attraction you experience.

Say you primarily feel attracted to women, but you’ve had a few relationships with men. You don’t identify as bisexual, but you consider yourself somewhat fluid, since you’re not exclusively attracted to women.

Maybe you’ve never had a romantic or sexual relationship with someone of your gender. Still, straight doesn’t entirely resonate with you as an orientation because you feel open to the possibility of a non-heterosexual relationship. It just hasn’t happened yet.

Generally speaking, sexually fluid people have an orientation that remains roughly stable over time.

So you might use this term if you mostly feel attracted to one gender but want to acknowledge the way your attraction and responses sometimes shift.

As Diamond and other experts have pointed out, fluidity offers a better, more accurate explanation for what people have, in the past, stereotyped and stigmatized as “confusion.”

As you go through life, you gain plenty of experience, both personally and from relationships with others.

This expanding knowledge can have a pretty big impact on self-identity, including your understanding of your orientation.

As awareness of your orientation develops, you might land on a different way of describing your attractions, and that’s just fine. You’re always free to use whatever term you identify with best.

Interested in learning more about sexual orientations and identities?
- Start with our guide to key terms here.
- Check out the It Gets Better Project for a glossary of LGBTQ+ terms.
- Visit Identiversity, a nonprofit website that provides factual, expert-informed education about gender and sexual diversity.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

November 18, 2020November 17, 2020

16 Ways To Turn On A Sapiosexual

— aka The Brainy Person You’re Super Into

by Farrah Daniel

A sapiosexual is someone who finds intelligence sexually attractive or arousing. Like all types of sexualities, people’s personal definitions of sapiosexuality may vary, but what’s certain is people with this identity would rather be turned on by what they think is your most alluring feature: your mind.

If you’re dating a sapiosexual person and want to learn how to turn them on, the first step is to know typical seduction attempts don’t work for them. Their idea of foreplay, for example, is to hear about your book collection. That means you have to charm them with a sharpened intellect as well as your witty banter, comparative thinking, and curiosity.

Here are 16 ways to create the intellectual synergy needed to fire up a relationship with a sapiosexual:

1. Pay attention to their unique interests.

First and foremost, know that no two sapiosexuals are alike, says sex-positive counselor Ashley D. Sweet, M.A., LPC, LMHC, CCRC: “Being attracted to intelligence or intellect does not mean the sapiosexual in your life will be turned on by everything that falls in the broad realm of ‘nerdy.'”

An easy way to seduce your sapiosexual is to get to know them for who they are. To do that, Sweet encourages you to peruse their bookshelf, social media feeds, or even their Netflix queue to learn the kinds of content that stimulate them. “Your first instinct may be to drop a hot game of Catan on the first date when, in fact, they’d be way more into chilling with an episode of Carl Sagan’s Cosmos,” Sweet tells mbg.

When you can show genuine enthusiasm or curiosity in their unique interests, sapiosexual people will be more inclined to let you in.

To achieve the type of intimacy your sapiosexual craves, take the onus off of physical touch and instead explore their sexuality verbally.

“The brain is the most powerful sex organ,” explains certified sex and relationship expert Emily Morse, Ph.D., “and for sapiosexuals, this mind-body connection is crucial when it comes to arousal.” That’s why deeply discussing both your sexual desires and where they come from “works well for sapiosexuals because the biggest turn on can be talking about your turn-ons.”

Be vivid as you describe how you’d like to play out some fantasies, as well as generous in your expressions of how they make you feel—you might be surprised to see your partner respond to this much more than a lap dance. (Here’s our full guide to dirty talk for a little inspo.)

As you discover each other’s sexual appetites, Morse recommends a Yes, No, Maybe? list to help you learn more about preferences. “For many sapiosexuals, it’ll provide enough verbal fodder and foreplay for days,” she remarks. Once couples figure out where they’re aligned, “they can spend time deep-diving into why they’re into what they are [and] developing extensive erotic road maps.”

3. Plan book club and library dates.

There’s a big chance your sapiosexual loves libraries and getting lost in the large, expansive aisles of endless knowledge. Participate in their interest, but spice it up and turn it into a library make-out tour. Visit different libraries in your town—or take a day trip to one in another city—and spend the afternoon perusing and analyzing the titles you like. And, of course, sneak some kisses between the bookshelves.

Another option is to start a book club. You can make an erotica-books-only rule to set an intimate tone, but the activity can feel just as sexy if you wax poetic about science or history books. The opportunity to watch you expand on your views and soundly argue differing opinions will be their favorite part of the evening.

4. Discover culture together.

Sapiosexual people are eager to learn new things. When you plan the next date night, certified sex therapist Michelle Herzog, LMFT, CST, suggests you feed their curiosity and take them to an art gallery, museum, or any kind of cultural center that provokes enlightening discourse. “Bringing a sapiosexual to a space that provides the opportunity to learn can be incredibly attractive [to them],” she says.

In addition to that, exploring these spaces together gives you a chance to understand each other’s interests. Sapiosexuals want to connect with their lovers by exchanging knowledge and philosophical beliefs, so they’ll relish the chance to swap opinions about anything new you learn together.

Yes, sapiosexuals are attracted to intelligence, but they don’t expect you to know everything. No one can live up to that standard (not even them), so don’t feel pressured to awe this person with your ability to keep up with every topic. Instead, tell them when you’re clueless.

After all, true intellectuals can admit when they don’t know something, and your partner might be impressed with your humility. According to Sweet, they certainly won’t be turned on by your attempt to know it all: “Performative intelligence will fall flat and likely turn your beloved sapiosexual right off.”

On your next date, be honest when you don’t know something. Your eagerness to learn more will be sure to turn on a sapiosexual, as well as the ability to flex their brain muscles on a topic they love.

6. Have a game night (but with a twist).

“Play Strip Scrabble, and you’ll find you’ve never worked harder or been more turned on by a triple-word score,” Morse attests. In this steamy version of the game, whoever has fewer points by the end will be naked first, but Morse notes that everyone wins in this version of the game.

You can try this with a game of your sapiosexual’s favorite trivia categories, too: Choose a certain number of clothing items for each player to wear, and then play as you typically would. When someone earns a point, they get to pick one piece of clothing for the other player to remove. Keep playing until the game is over, or when everyone’s as naked as they’re comfortable being.

An adult spin works for most intellectual board and card games, so try this with one of your choosing. However, you can also skip them entirely: Stroke your sapiosexual’s brain with a fiery game of debate. Not only will they be sexually attracted to your ability to eloquently express your perspective about a complex subject, but they won’t be able to resist the sight of you respectfully arguing your points. (Feel free to spice this game up with a strip-twist, too.)

Sweet recommends you find interests that intersect, then get creative to create an intimate evening that fires up your minds and bodies.

Are you both fans of Alan Watts, for instance? Plan a Watts-themed date night. “Write down some of your favorite quotes, and fold them into origami for your sapiosexual lover to open,” she suggests, mentioning a reminder to omit any typos or incorrect grammar. If it’s something they’re comfortable with, you can role-play, too: Sweet says to role-play as if you’re Watts leading a class. As you read his lectures aloud, pretend your lover is a sexy, brilliant student in the back of the class.

“Use your imagination, get creative, and go deeper,” urges Sweet. “Sapiosexuals love that!”

8. “Are you up?” instead of “U up?”

Expressions of intelligence are sure to gain the attraction of a sapiosexual. One way to show off your intellect is to ensure your verbal and communication skills match theirs. When you chat on social media, text or talk on the phone, or sit across from them at a coffee shop, the sapiosexual you want to woo will admire your ability to adhere to proper spelling and grammar rules in your communication.

Sapiosexuals are turned on by the thought of their lover being well read and well spoken—so before you send off your next text to them, triple-check your spelling and fact-check your argument.

The sapiosexual you desire wants to hear you talk about topics you’re knowledgeable in. “It’s often the authentic expression of someone else’s intelligence that is so intriguing and arousing to people who identify as sapiosexual,” Sweet points out. “If you’re really passionate about a topic, show your passion while you discuss it.”

Whether it’s your robotics hobby, your favorite French literature, or your interest in cosmic exploration, give them more insight into who you are, and speak vigorously about what excites you. Your expertise will arouse your sapiosexual, especially since you can teach them something new in the process.

Sweet says she can attest to this: “I remember being so hot for my 73-year-old sociology professor when I was a 20-year-old undergrad because he was completely passionate about what he was teaching.”

10. Documentary and chill.

Dinner and a movie is a classic date-night option for all couples—for sapiosexuals, however, the latest rom-com or book-adapted thriller may not live up to their standard of intriguing and examinable cinema.

Rather than a mainstream movie, watch a documentary from your couch or theirs, or buy tickets to the showing in town when a film festival rolls around. Sapiosexuals want to be captivated by the exchange of abstract thought, so don’t forget to hold a discussion after the documentary and compel them with your worldly views.

Sapiosexuals are people who want to explore attraction through philosophical questions, such as, “What’s the meaning of life?” “Do you believe in fate?” or “How does one attain happiness?”

“Intellectual conversation, exploration, and gaining perspective are all qualities that contribute to a sapiosexual’s level of attraction and connection,” Herzog tells mbg. Talking about what you do for a living and where you grew up are important, but a sapiosexual would rather know more about your insights and philosophies. “Plus, exploring questions like these really allows two people to get to know each other on a more meaningful level.”

12. Write a short story together.

If the sapiosexual in your life is a storyteller, ask if they want to pen a short story with you. Like the book club, you can dare to write an erotica story that makes you both sweat, but that’s not the only way to excite them during this activity. Since intelligence dazzles sapiosexuals, it’ll be a turn-on when you partake and do well at something that stimulates them. Feelings of desire toward you are sure to stir up as you adequately engage their intellect and create the art they feel passionate about.

Sweet explains that people who identify as sapiosexual value the mind over the physical and material—in that case, bring your “oral skills” to their level and read works of interest to your loved one. Whether you read Anais Nin’s classic erotica, 17th-century poetry, or a technical manual, Morse says when you read them a book, you’ll “stoke the sexual and intellectual requirements for many sapiosexuals.”

As you read, slowly pronounce and deliver your words to entice your partner to hang on to each one. “This is the sapiosexual equivalent of slowly undressing with your eyes,” emphasizes Morse. To send them over the edge, clearly articulate your words. And according to Sweet, you should be mindful of syntax, cadence, or rhythms that apply to the work at hand. If you succeed, she says, one set of oral skills may lead to another.

14. Pretend-host a podcast episode.

What is your sapiosexual’s favorite podcast? There may be a few, but learn one and listen to several episodes to familiarize yourself with the subject matter. Once you feel confident in your ability to hold your own in a discussion, plan to spend the next date night play-hosting an episode of your own.

All you need to do is download a free app to record the show, then decide which episode to put your spin on, or which topics to cover for the first time in the same style as the podcast show hosts. Remember this doesn’t have to be perfect; what matters is they’ll be touched you went out of your way to indulge their pastime.

The most important thing about the activity to explore taboo subjects together is to do so respectfully. It’s easy to get riled up in response to views that oppose yours, but no matter whether it’s religion or politics, “a sapiosexual will want to explore the depths of these topics,” notes Herzog. She also mentions these taboo subjects are not only incredibly explorative but also imperative to be honest about.

Face these controversial conversations, and let your lover get to know you on a more profound level—Herzog says your sapiosexual will love to dissect your perspective “and the different concepts that deeply shape who you are.”

16. Learn a new skill together.

Impress the sapiosexual you want to turn on and commit to a long-term activity you can do together. Learn a new language or complete a DIY project—either way, their attraction will grow as they observe you building something from scratch or witness your aptitude to learn quickly. Afternoons in the shed can easily result in you two in bed.

However you choose to turn on a sapiosexual, the key is to lead with your brain and not your body. Like most people, sapiosexuals appreciate good looks, but it’s not what keeps them.

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