How to feel confident during sex if your body has changed

One in 10 women in the UK feel self-conscious about their bodies during sex

Strictly Come Dancing stars Ola and James Jordan recently spoke about their sex life declining due to their respective weight gain, saying: ‘the bellies get in the way of us when it comes to sex – It’s not as exciting’.

They’re certainly not the only people to have felt this way.

While Ola and James seem to be keeping positive about their experiences with weight gain, many people feel distressed over their bodies – particularly in the context of sex. In the UK, 61% of adults feel negative or ‘very negative’ about their body image ‘most of the time’. And when it comes to the bedroom, one in 10 women in the UK feel self-conscious about their bodies during sex, according to research from 2019 about body and sexual confidence, along with 3% of British men.

One of those women is 35-year-old stay at home mum Joanne.

‘After I finished having all my kids – three boys – my body was changed forever,’ she tells Metro.co.uk. ‘My husband says he still thinks I’m hot but I don’t believe him. How can he? My body is so different from when we started seeing each other ten years ago.’

Retail assistant Aimee, 26, feels similarly, sharing: ‘My boyfriend and I have been going through a dry spell since we had our baby. My belly is huge and my boobs are on the floor and I just can’t imagine him wanting to have sex with me.”’

Many people, especially women, feel pressure to adhere to specific body standards (namely being thin) to make themselves more desirable for sex. But while significant weight gain might impact your mobility in some ways (James Jordan, for instance, shared that he misses being able to hold Ola over his head), it doesn’t affect your desirability, your worth, nor your access to sexual pleasure.

In fact, one study into weight gain’s correlation with sexual frequency showed that the volume of sexual activity amongst participants ‘did not differ significantly by weight status’. In fact, sexually active overweight or obese men and women who were overweight had more regular sexual intercourse than those who were not.

HR assistant Hattie, 27, says her sex life improved after her and her husband gained weight.

‘Perhaps it helped that neither of us noticed our weight gain until we were really thinking about it, but we started having sex so much more after we got fat,’ she tells us. ‘There’s so much more of us to play with!’

Hattie recommends ‘leaning in’ to your new body and using it for sex instead of ‘being mean to it’.

‘Bellies don’t get in the way of sex, they get involved,’ she says. ‘Have your partner touch and kiss your new belly. And do that for him too. Take it as an opportunity to have new kinds of squishy sex.’

Hattie’s right, because fatness, no matter how much you have of it, has nothing to do with sex. Not really.

When we feel bad about our bodies or we’re put off sex because of them, this is mostly psychological. When we have a poor body image, we’ll convince ourselves that our perceived worth has tanked. But this is untrue.

If you’re having sex with people who are really into you (and we hope that you are), their hots for you will go far beyond what your body looks like.

Unfortunately, a poor body image is not so easy to discard because we’ve grown up with ideas about what makes the ‘ideal’ body from a very young age.

But Gigi Engle, a certified sex educator who specialises in gender, sexuality, and relationship diversity, has a few ideas on how you should reframe your thinking if you’re worried about sex after weight gain.

‘It helps to reframe the idea that you have to be a certain size to enjoy pleasure,’ she notes.

‘Understand that your body is capable of having pleasure and giving pleasure no matter what size you are,’ she says. ‘You’re still worthy of sexual pleasure, having sexual enjoyment and being appreciated no matter what your body looks like.’

There are practices you can try to start rebuilding your confidence with sex after bodily changes, whether it be weight gain, weight loss, injury or something else entirely.

Mirror exercises

When you come out of the bathroom after shower or a bath, spend some time looking at yourself naked in the mirror.

‘Just sort of look at yourself,’ Gigi says. ‘And instead of pointing out a bunch of things that you don’t like about yourself, point out things that you do like about yourself, like your lips or your boobs.’

This reframes your thinking through positive reinforcement. It feels a bit silly at first but after a few goes, it will feel natural to compliment yourself.

Positive affirmations

You can try writing positive affirmations around your house where you’ll see them. A lot of people like to write them on post-it notes and stick them to their mirrors, cupboard doors or fridges.

Write whatever you think you need to hear.

We recommend: ‘My weight has nothing to do with my sexiness’. That might be a good place to start.

Masturbation

Gigi recommends good old masturbation for tapping into sexual confidence.

‘I would start rebuilding the sex that you’d have with yourself before bringing in the partner because when people masturbate more their self image improves,’ she suggests.

Reframe sex

When you’re about to have sex or you’re thinking about having sex, try to focus on the positive experiences you’re going to gain from it instead of your body or your weight. Think ‘I’m going to have a good orgasm’ or ‘we’re going to feel really connected’ instead.

Ultimately, your sexual partner is not going to be judging you and you’re not going to judge them.

Good people are empathetic towards one another, especially during sex, and after plenty of internal work (and trying the exercises above) your worries about your weight and the (totally false) idea that it ruins sex will melt away.

Gigi adds: The more you can positively reinforce that your body’s capable and deserving of having pleasure, the more comfortable you will feel in your skin, and the less perturbed you will be about any weight gain.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

April 14, 2022April 13, 2022

Sex with my husband has never been better.

I finally stopped hiding my fat body in bed.

A photo of the author by Cheyenne Gil, a body-affirming boudoir photographer.

By Lauren Gordon

My husband and I have been together since I was 18, and I’ve only had sex with him.
Sex with my husband now that we’re in our 30s is way better than when we were in our 20s.
Accepting my body as it is allowed me to get rid of “rules” for bed, like having the lights off.

I’ve been with my husband since I was 18 years old. My sexual history isn’t a particularly colorful one. Save for a few second-base hookups, I’ve only been with one man my entire life, and he has loved me well.

But truthfully, I haven’t loved myself as well as he has loved me.

For a long time in our relationship, I would try to hide my fat body as much as possible when we were in bed. As I got older, I realized that my attempts to hide my naked body were ridiculous — he was into me through and through. Letting go of my body insecurities has led to sex that is better than ever.

I didn’t understand why my husband wanted to be with me at first

When we first got together, it was really hard for me to fathom that he was attracted to me. No one had emphatically pursued me, and I always thought that was OK. I am a fat, awkward woman, and when someone was attracted to me, it flew too much in the face of social standards.

My husband didn’t see me that way. When he looked at me, he saw someone who he was proud to be seen with, someone he was attracted to, and someone he really wanted to see naked. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Every movie I saw or book I read up to that point in my life told me that I wasn’t the one who got the guy. So when I did, I found myself wondering why.

I chalked it up to my funny personality and who I was as a person. Since I was a child, I genuinely believed there wasn’t a person on earth who would find me beautiful, let alone desirable, on a physical level. So when someone did and did so unapologetically, I didn’t know what to do with it.

I came up with a lot of rules so he wouldn’t see me in an unflattering way

When my husband and I began being physically intimate, there were a lot of rules: Turn off every single light; don’t grab my waist; don’t touch my stomach; don’t stare at my face in case you see a double chin. I told myself that if he broke those rules, he’d discover just how fat I really was and he wouldn’t want to touch me at all.

As I got older, I realized that society’s narrative of there being only one attractive body type was nothing more than a capitalistic lie. As I warmed up to myself, I also realized that it wasn’t so unfathomable that someone else might find me desirable, too. That’s when I allowed every rule to be broken.

Frankly, it was pretty silly to put any of those rules in place. I’m not sure who I was trying to fool by pulling every trick in the book to look thinner while I was laid bare. My husband knew what he was signing up for with my body, so why deny it the touch it deserves.

When I embraced the fact that I was a desirable person who was worthy of being loved wholly, the sex reached an entirely new level.

Ironically, the body I have now is far heavier and less conventionally beautiful than when I believed I was at my “worst,” and our sex life has never been better.

We love and explore each other completely. We create a safe space that allows both of us to be the most vulnerable we can, and in that vulnerability, we can fully enjoy the experience of being together.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

May 25, 2021June 8, 2021

If You Have This Body Shape, People Think You Crave More Sex, Says Study

New research reveals how humans are hardwired to judge people differently.

By William Mayle

As economists such as Daniel Kahneman, Ph.D., have long shown, human beings are far from rational beings. We make terrible decisions all the time, fueled by inherent psychological biases that are rooted in ancient human behaviors that are no longer relevant in the modern world—if they were ever even relevant at all. The list of our hardwired cognitive biases is as long as the dictionary, and it’s something that people in the marketing and advertising worlds have long exploited.

After all, this is why that pair of boots you looked at once on a website will follow you around the internet for eternity (you’re 70% more likely to buy them), why prices always seem to end in “.99” (your brain somehow thinks $9.99 is more palatable than $10), and why people convince themselves that forking out for a pricey two-year warranty on a toaster that costs practically nothing at all in the first place is somehow a wise thing to do.

Our biases also impact how we view and judge others on entirely superficial levels, and a recently published study in The Journal of Sex Research—titled “The Influence of Body Shape on Impressions of Sexual Traits”—sought to figure out how our physical body shapes impact how others perceive us in sexual terms. If a person is thinner, heavier, super-skinny, or shaped in a certain way, what knee-jerk judgements do other peoples’ brains rush to? Read on for some of the interesting takeaways from this study. And for more on the fascinating psychology of the human mind, check out why Men Who Wear This Clothing Are More Likely to Cheat, Says New Study.
woman on computer
The study was conducted by researchers at the Observations and Research in Gender and Sexuality Matters Lab (O.R.G.A.S.M.) at Canada’s Kwantlen Polytechnic University. The scientists questioned nearly 900 participants aged 16 to 71, who were shown different types of bodies on a computer—five male, five female. From there, the volunteers were asked attach a number of traits to them, which ranged from personality traits to sexual traits, including promiscuity and aggressiveness. For more on the connection between your mind and your body, see here for The Single Most Effective Way to Work Out Every Day, According to Psychologists.

Strong Man Stretching Arms Behind Back at Sea

According to analysis of the study by PsyPost, men who are “very skinny, fat, or very fat” are not perceived by others to have traits that include “sexual confidence” or “sexual dominance.” Meanwhile, “skinny” males are not only considered to be more attractive sexually but they’re viewed through the lens of confidence and dominance.

Fit and fashion jeans for every silhouette

Women who have an average body shape—or are “very skinny” or “skinny”—are assumed to have “extroverted sexual traits.” But women with large and full figures are too often perceived in a negative light—as sexually desperate or even repressed.

Professional psychologist conducting a consultation

“Our study demonstrates that people infer sexuality-related traits from body shape in systematic ways—in particular, that fat bodies are perceived less positively with regard to sexual traits (more sexually desperate and sexually repressed, among others),” Cory L. Pedersen, Ph.D., a professor at Kwantlen Polytechnic University, explained to PsyPost. “Further, we found that the attributions of sexual stereotypes operate within traditional notions of gendered sexuality (the men should be sexually aggressive and women should be sexually submissive).”

Woman standing amidst a busy office going crowd hooked to their mobile phones. Businesswoman holding her hand bag standing still on a busy street with people walking past her using mobile phones.

“Interestingly, the researchers noted that all of the female body types were positively linked to sexual introversion,” writes PsyPost. “At first, this may seem contradictory, given that some of the female bodies were at the same time linked to extroverted sexual traits.”

The authors explain further in the study: “Though apparently paradoxical, considering the simultaneous positive association of some of these bodies with sexual extroversion, we suggest that this may be representative of the complex double standards society has for women’s sexuality.” For more on the weird nature of your mind, see here for The Secret Trick to Spotting a Liar Every Time, According to Psychologists.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

August 27, 2017August 27, 2017

Is It Okay To Be Attracted To A Certain Body Type?

By Cory Stieg

[E]arlier this month, an Instagram post by a man named Robbie Tripp went viral (for better or worse) because it was a long tribute to his wife’s “curvy body.” It was hard to miss, between the praise he received from news outlets that said he was the “Husband of the Year,” to others (like this one) that criticized him for fetishizing fat women and said he missed the point of feminism.

While the post as a whole is epically maddening, it does bring up an interesting question: Is it okay to be attracted to a certain body type? That’s complicated, and you have to look at where desire and attraction come from in the first place, says Sheila Addison, PhD, LMFT, a sex-positive couples’ therapist who focuses on size acceptance. Desire is a feeling that happens on an unconscious level, so in a sense, it can’t be controlled, Dr. Addison says. And the way that we perceive our own feelings about desire is shaped by what we see in our world as normal and desirable, plus our own values and opinions, she says.

When people talk about having a “type” it’s more difficult to brush that off as just a side effect of imposed desire. “On the one hand, feelings do what they do, and there are no illogical feelings,” Dr. Addison says. But people do tend to have illogical thoughts about their desires, which can lead to fetishizing, she says. For example, some people might believe that they will only date tall people, when in reality they just happen to be more attracted to taller individuals. Because we’re human beings who like patterns, there’s a temptation to “fall into shorthand” and just say you have a type, Dr. Addison says. That would mean, following the same example, that you never talk to shorter people when you’re out; or that you try to notice a person’s height before engaging in a conversation to get to know them. In doing this, you’ve excluded them from the conversation, and only checked off your “yes, tall” requirement. Problematic!

This line of thinking becomes problematic when it prevents someone from expanding their horizons and connecting with anyone outside of their type, Dr. Addison says. “You get comfortable with just letting [desire] flow along the channel that it’s carved out up to now,” she says. And if your channel is extremely well-worn, so to speak, take a beat to consider the difference between having a “type” you tend to be attracted to, and fetishizing people who fit a certain characterization.

From a mental health perspective, there is a clear line between a type and a fetish, Dr. Addison says. “Psychiatrists have decided that the dividing line is that fetishes really become the center of the sexual act or the sexual desire, as opposed to the person,” she says. So, instead of being interested in a person, you’d be interested in their body alone, if you had a body-focused fetish. “At that point, your world of desire has really narrowed down to whatever it is you’re fetishizing,” she says.

Fetish doesn’t automatically equal objectification, though, and there are certainly ways partners can safely enjoy a fetish with mutual consent. “When it comes to having fetishes for types of people, I think that is one where it can get difficult somewhat quickly,” Dr. Addison adds — because a fetish is putting something specific before the actual person. This can make sex, or a whole relationship, feel somewhat transactional, she says. In Tripp’s post, for example, he neglected to even mention his wife’s name until the very end, after remarking on several parts of her body.

“For me, there is nothing sexier than this woman right here: thick thighs, big booty, cute little side roll, etc.,” he wrote. What about, I don’t know, her personality or literally anything else about her? This is why a Refinery29 writer, and so many others, characterized Tripp’s comments as fetishization — yes, it was his own wife he was talking about; and no, we can’t know how she feels about this line of thinking, but he had removed her humanity to praise, pick apart, and point out the physical pieces of her that excite him. When people are fetishized for their bodies, it tips the balance of power and control in a relationship.

“There’s this cultural idea that fat people, particularly fat women, cannot find love just on their own merit, or cannot find people who love and adore them as total people,” Dr. Addison says. Plenty of people completely reject that idea, but others still find it incredibly painful. “Those people are potentially vulnerable to someone who is offering attention that is really coming from a place of a fetish, but in the guise of a relationship,” she says. Having someone be sexually aroused by your body can feel really good at first, but if you’re hoping it will turn into a reciprocal, mutual relationship, then you may be setting yourself up for disappointment.

So, what’s the solution for this? We tend to forget that desire is actually expandable, Dr. Addison says. Tripp’s post actually included a call to action for guys to, “rethink what society has told you that you should desire.” This is a good point, but it’s also a little beside the point. Yes, question anytime society is telling you what you “should” look like, or be attracted to in others. But also question your own desires, especially if you find yourself being held back by them. “The people who get most uncomfortable with conversations about this are those who are uncomfortable with looking at how learned values and learned aesthetics really do play into who or what appeals to us,” Dr. Addison says. And the time you find yourself scanning the room for the tallest person in sight, for example, consider taking a beat to think about why.

Complete Article HERE!

December 19, 2016December 17, 2016

Extra weight can dent sexual confidence

by Maureen Matthews

Q: I’m a larger lad than I was a few years ago. Even though my boyfriend still says he finds me attractive and wants to sleep with me, I no longer have any interest. How can I learn to be confident in the bedroom?

A: Carrying extra weight can dent a person’s sexual self-confidence, regardless of their gender and sexual orientation, but the precise nature of the negative self-talk can vary from person to person.

Melbourne sex therapist Dr Christopher Fox (sexlifetherapy.com.au) says gay men are often confronted with cultural images of svelte, muscular, hairless young men. “This is not the only image in the gay community. ‘Bears’ [hairy, and often larger men] also feature. Yet, like the straight community, youth and beauty is still a focus.”

When we carry a mental template of what a “sexy” person looks like, even if we know, intellectually, that it is an unrealistic and unachievable ideal, we cannot help feeling we fall short by comparison, which causes us to feel ashamed of our bodies.

Carrying weight can impact on your self-esteem, Dr Fox says. “The self is an important aspect of us feeling sexy. The way we view our bodies also impacts on our feeling sexy. When our sense of self [esteem] and our body are both challenged, our levels of desire, and of feeling sexy, are also challenged.”

Once low self-esteem and negative self-talk have become entrenched, they can lead to a general feeling of ennui, and a shutting down of the senses. That sluggish, dulled mindset makes it difficult to truly enjoy all of life’s pleasure, but it particularly affects the libido. One of the first challenges you face is to find the motivation to make any changes, no matter how small. So make yourself move your body.

I am not talking about going to the gym, taking up yoga, or doing anything with a view to losing weight. Simply get your system turning over, like warming up the engine of your car. Research has shown that physical activity, even merely going for a walk, releases the feel-good hormones, endorphins. You will start to feel a little more positive, which will help you to take another step.

Fox warns that learning to accept our bodies and ourselves is not an easy process. “It is an achievable process though,” he says. “On an immediate level I think it is important for you to challenge your thinking about yourself. Your boyfriend says he finds you attractive and he wants to sleep with you. Consider how he looks at you. Maybe he sees something you don’t. This is important to consider.”

When we feel bad about ourselves we often react to compliments with “deflection”. We challenge every compliment, or counter a positive observation by drawing attention to a perceived flaw, “but what about my gut!”. This can feel like rejection to your partner, and, if you do it too often, he might either give up, or start to agree with you.

Practise accepting compliments and endearments graciously, with a simple “thank you”, even if that inner voice is screaming out objections. Let the positive words land, and allow yourself to enjoy them.

It can be difficult to make changes without support, and another good way to begin would be to seek professional assistance. Fox suggests finding someone who has experience in working with gay men, body image and sexuality.

“Through therapy we would explore how your changing body impacts on your sense of self and your body image,” he says. “We would explore how you could develop tools and strategies to challenge your own perceptions.”

Remember that although sex and arousal involve elements of fantasy, the true enjoyment comes from the lived experience in the moment. Car lovers might drool over images of unattainable Ferraris and Bugattis, but the pleasure of enjoying the car that belongs to them, that they can drive, and polish, and experience, is the real pleasure.

Complete Article HERE!

June 16, 2016July 21, 2016

Worried About Weight? How to Have Spectacular Sex Anyway

By Wednesday Lee Friday

Spectacular sex – at any size – is really all about putting mind over body mass.

I was in my 20s the first time I heard the term BBW and learned that it stood for Big Beautiful Women. I had access to magazines, TV, books, movies and a host of other media, all without ever hearing of someone who thought fat bodies (like mine) could be sexy. I’m like a lot of fat people. (And yeah, I’m using the word fat even though some people still cringe when they hear it. Nothing about it is inherently insulting, negative, or worthy of scorn. I promise, getting used to hearing it will take the sting out.)

Anyway, like a lot of fat people, I was raised on a steady diet of disdain for my body, predicated on the idea that I could never be happily partnered with anyone if I “stayed fat.” Many people of size are resigned to the idea that they should settle for boring, intermittent, unsatisfying sex, or worse -that they should forgo sexy times altogether until they lose weight. Given the stats on successful weight loss, roughly 95 percent of those people will be waiting a very long time. I’m sure geriatric sex is awesome, but why wait decades to have the awesome giggity you could be having right now? Let’s take a look at what keeps some Big Beautiful Women (and yes, Big Handsome Men too) from the big, big love they could be enjoying now.

Complete Article HERE!

March 30, 2016March 29, 2016

Does Manspreading Work?

001 — Participants in a “No Trousers Day” flashmob ride the London Underground in 2012.

A study suggests people find expansive, space-consuming postures more romantically attractive

Manspreading might make you the villain of the morning L train, but a new study suggests it could also make you lucky in love. People who adopted “expansive postures”—widespread limbs and a stretched-out torso—in speed-dating situations garnered more romantic interest than those who folded their arms in “closed postures,” the researchers found.

For her recent paper, published this week in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, Tanya Vacharkulksemsuk, a post-doctoral research fellow at the University of California, Berkeley, performed two studies. First, she and her team watched videos of 144 speed-dates and correlated them with the participants’ ratings of each other. People who sat in expanded postures were deemed more attractive, and for both men and women, postural expansiveness nearly doubled their chances of getting a “yes” response to a second date. Even laughing and smiling didn’t work as well as spreading out, Vacharkulksemsuk found.

Examples of expansive postures used in the study

Next, Vacharkulksemsuk posted pictures of people in open and closed postures on a dating site. Again, those in the expansive postures were about 25 percent more likely to generate interest from another user. However, this strategy worked much better for men than women. Men, overall, received far fewer bites than women did, but 87 percent of their “yesses” came in response to an open posture. For women, meanwhile, 53 percent of “yes” responses came when they were in an expansive posture.

Examples of contractive postures used in the study

In a separate test, Vacharkulksemsuk found that both the male and female “expansive” photos were considered more dominant than the “closed” photos. That dominance might suggest an abundance of resources and a willing to share those resources. When potential romantic partners are evaluating each other for just a few seconds, in other words, money talks—mainly through bodily breadth.

So should you rush to change your Tinder picture to something a little less pouty and a little more Backstreet Boys cira Millennium? Like with almost every study, there are reasons to be skeptical. “Power poses” made a big splash in 2010 when it was found that adopting them could tweak hormone levels—then sparked controversy after a follow-up study failed to replicate the effect.

Several researchers who weren’t involved with the study expressed doubts about its methodology. Agustín Fuentes, a professor of anthropology at the University of Notre Dame, said the findings might be a sign of general social preference for openness, but not necessarily that open-looking poses are sexier. “The connection to mating/dating assessment they suggest is superficial,” he said in an email.

Irving Biederman, a professor of neuroscience at the University of Southern California, said some of the “expansive” women might have looked vulnerable, rather than powerful.

To Vacharkulksemsuk, though, the fact that her study subjects rated both the male and female “expansive” photos as dominant—and found that dominance attractive—might signal the start of something very exciting. For decades, women have been told they’re most attractive when they’re demure, high-pitched, and generally non-threatening. This data “may be signifying a change in what men are looking for in women,” she said. Perhaps commuters should brace themselves for the rise of fem-spreading.

Complete Article HERE!

January 2, 2007January 8, 2013

Body Image Blues

Happy New Year everyone!

Did ya’ll survive the holidays? Dr. Dick just barely made it through this annual ordeal by the skin of his teeth. The holidays are supposed to bring out the best in folks, right? Then, what’s with all the lunatic behavior this time of the year?

Leave it to all the wretched holiday hype to spike our self-critical nature. Just when ya thought it was safe to take a peek in the mirror, along come those age-old bugaboos to scare ya back into the closet of self-doubt. Consider this month’s grab bag of frightened souls.

Hey Dr. Dick –
I’ve always had a low self-image. Then about two years ago I decided to do something about. I began going to the gym regularly and eating better. It paid off…now I have a better image of myself and have been dating more. I am seeking a LTR but only seem to met and slept with unavailable women. I’m starting to turn this back on myself…sure now I’m good enough to sleep with, but not have a relationship with! Thoughts?
—K in NYC

Dear K,
You’re looking for a LTR and you’re sleeping around with unavailable women? Darlin’, what do you suppose is wrong with this picture?
Dr. Dick suspects that you still need to do some serious work on the self-image thing. I applaud your efforts to get in shape and eat right. Good for you! However, heaping recriminations upon yourself for your lack of success in the dating game, particularly while pursuing the unavailable, is downright self-defeating.
Rethink this strategy immediately.
Good luck,
Dr. Dick

Doctor Dick,
I only have one testicle. I was born that way. It has a huge effect on my self-confidence. I consider myself a good-looking guy and I work out at the gym to try and look and feel the best I can. But even so, whenever I meet a guy and we have sex, I am always terrified that when he notices, he’ll freak out or suddenly be turned off. Even though the guys I have been with (not that many) haven’t had a problem with it, I feel it is a problem. And also, I have trouble ejaculating—whether that is physiological or psychological, I don’t know.
I have two questions. 1) Would having only one testicle reduce my sex drive and make it harder for me to ejaculate? 2) I have pondered the idea of having a prosthetic testicle inserted (so at least I wouldn’t LOOK any different to other guys). Do you know much about this procedure and if it is safe?
Thanks very much
David

Dear David,

Whoa, aren’t you all tied up in a BALL of knots? (Big pun intended!)

You’re obsessing about something that apparently is of no consequence to your partners. Hey, if they don’t give a shit that you’re shy a nut, why should you?
Celebrate your uniqueness, instead of living in shame. Your “irregularity” is neither life threatening, nor is it particularly obvious.
Consider the great length some guys go to in an attempt to hide the “shame” of what they perceive as a personal inadequacy. Like the guy who wears a really terrible toupee (or any toupee for that matter) in an effort to mask his hair loss. Is this not completely ridiculous, not to mention counterproductive? I mean, doesn’t his folly call even more attention to the very thing he wishes to conceal?
I propose that it’s your anxiety about “being found out” that’s getting in the way of your sexual performance, not having just one testicle. Nor do I believe that it’s interfering with your sex drive. But I advise you consult your physician if you think you have a hormonal imbalance. A regular injection of testosterone will remedy that.
You ask about surgery; well, it’s a simple enough procedure. But there are always risks, like the possibility of infection for example. Besides, you’ll always know that one of your balls is a fake. And in time, you’ll probably begin to obsess about that, too.
David, this problem of yours can be solved in a less drastic and invasive manner than surgery. Choose self-acceptance over the knife and be happy.
Good Luck,
Dr. Dick

Dr. Dick:
I am writing because I am a very self-conscious person and am afraid to date anyone because of how I look underneath my good-looking clothes. I was born with problems that left scars and veins on my body, making my younger years hell. I am very self-conscious when it comes to wearing shorts, which I never wear, and being naked with someone. I want to be with someone and look normal, like all the other people. I enjoy looking and feeling good about myself, but when it comes to revealing my true identity I lose all confidence. I am afraid of rejection because I am different.
I want a boyfriend who hot and has a body to die for, but I don’t base my dating prospects on looks, but on personality. I know there are others out there with the same philosophy, but it is hard to see. What should I do? I want to meet someone and have fun, but I have this fear of being rejected and not being what they expect.
— Jordan

Dear Jordan,
I can’t tell from your comments if you are a man or a woman. That’s actually a good thing, because my advice is the same regardless of your gender. Our society can be a heartless place for those of us who don’t fit the “ideal” of youth and beauty perpetuated by the popular culture. And it looks to me like you’re guilty of the same bullshit you accuse others of perpetuating. You want a lover who is physically perfect, but you don’t want others to discriminate against you for not being so. Aaaa, hello! If you allow this unhappy double standard to control your sense of wellbeing, you have only yourself to blame.
Throw off the shackles that ensnare you. They’re all self-imposed, not to mention self-defeating. Learn to accept yourself for who you are, with all your assets and liabilities. And you’d do well to be a little less of a snob where others’ looks are concerned.
Good Luck,
Dr. Dick

Dear Dr. Dick,
I’m an attractive, talented and fun loving guy who has never had a lover in the 23 years that I’ve been openly gay. Sure I get a lot of looks and flirtations but rarely from the ones I’m attracted to. It seems that unless you work out 4 to 5 times a week you’re not worth their time or attention. In fact, if you read personal ads you’ll find that the majority of them use that as a prerequisite. Mind you, I’m not flabby or out of shape, I’m just tall and thin (6’3″, 175#). This has made me very self-conscious about myself and in turn has produced performance anxiety. I find myself working so hard to please a man sexually that I can’t “get it up” to save my life. I joined a gym a couple of times. But after a year of religiously working out (both times), I never saw any visible improvement in my body so I stopped going. Another aspect of my frustration is the fact that I have been HIV+ for 12 years and I am developing the “skinny arms and legs syndrome” from my drugs. Sex has become a very complicated issue for me. Half the time I’m self-conscious about my body and the other half afraid of passing on HIV or getting some new sexual disease. Any advice?
—Sex Fan

Dear sex fan,
You bet I have some advice. In fact, if you’ve taken the time to read this far in this column, you already have a good idea of what my take on all of this is.
Some gay men have turned discriminating against other gay men into an art form. If it’s not about muscles, then it’s about age, race, HIV status, where one lives, the clothes one wears, the car one drives—the litany goes on and on. If you buy into this dehumanizing nonsense, as it appears you have, you do it at your own peril, darlin’! You give this ugly thing power over you, and it will erode what little self-confidence you have left.
Let me make a couple of quick comments. First, do you use the same superficial standards to measure potential partners that you say others reject you by? That’s a common enough scenario (check out the letter above). But this cycle of oppression needs to stop somewhere; why not with you?
Second, working to please a partner is a good thing. But taking it to an extreme is not. Obsessing about pleasing a partner, so much so as to let it interfere with your sexual performance, or worse, your mental health, is very dangerous.
Finally, fear, whatever its guise, will always and everywhere diminish your ability to pursue and enjoy your sexuality. I guarantee that being so afraid of getting or passing on a disease or being afraid of rejections because of your body type will cripple your sexual performance.
I suggest you begin 2004 by taking your fears, apprehensions and frustrations to a professional. A sex-positive therapist will help you overcome these stumbling blocks so that you can happily get on with the rest of your life.
Good Luck,
Dr. Dick

It’s my sincere hope that, with the dawn of the New Year, we’ll find the courage to scuttle all this self-defeating crap, and in doing so, make the word a much better place in which to live.