So, why are people still being diagnosed?
Sex addiction is not a condition that is recognised by any scientific or medical community.
By Beth Ashley
Fresh out of a difficult breakup and confused about his unrelenting desire to have more than one partner, 30-year-old podcaster Jamie, who’s asked to use his first name only, quickly headed to a therapist. “I want you to make me monogamous,” Jamie told his therapist.
For years, Jamie had struggled to stop thinking about sex — and sex with other people — whenever he was in a relationship — something Jamie, who’s now polyamorous, didn’t realise was an okay way to feel. But there are real difficulties attached to his relationship with sex. “The therapist let me know she couldn’t ‘make me monogamous,’ and instead suggested we worked through why I thought my sex life was problematic.”
Some thorough self-exploration showed Jamie that he had been having sex when he didn’t even want to with people he didn’t like, to fill “a type of void.” “After a good few sessions, a therapist gently showed me that I wasn’t having sex because I wanted to, I was doing it because I hated myself. And then I was diagnosed with sex addiction,” says Jamie.
We all have an idea of what we imagine sex addiction is like. These perceptions come from celebrities like Russell Brand talking about his orgy orchestrated on a spongy mattress in sex addiction rehab, or Colin Farrell describing his “obsession with sex.” While these difficulties are very real to the respective actors and should not be invalidated, a lack of understanding and poor education around sex generally has allowed highly publicised but inaccurate stories like these to represent what ‘sex addiction’ might look like.
And yet, ‘sex addiction’ is not even real. It is not a condition that is recognised by any scientific or medical community, including the World Health Organisation. Indeed, the term was even removed from the DSM-V by the American Psychiatric Association along with the term hypersexuality, in view of a growing body of research showing that ‘sex addiction’ is actually “no more than high libido coupled with low impulse control.” The ASA’s DSM-V is considered a definitive resource on mental disorders.
What Jamie and 30 percent of the male population (along with 30 percent of women) go through, is actually Compulsive Sexual Behaviour. Compulsive Sexual Behaviour is diagnosed in people who have poor impulse control around sex, which is when a person has trouble controlling their emotions or behaviours around sex even if they know they’re not right, and participate in negative and unwanted sexual situations. Silva Neves, a psychotherapist specialising in sexology, explains that “those impulsive behaviours have to be unwanted by the person themselves, not by an external source of judgement. The behaviours have to cause marked distress and impairment in people’s life functioning. It is not about the frequency of behaviours, and it is not about people cheating or watching pornography, or about addiction at all.”
Neves tells Mashable: “Although compulsive sexual behaviour may sound like an addiction, it is not because people’s brains are not impaired. Many people do struggle with their sexual behaviours, but these problems are not an addiction. What they’re really struggling with is repetitive and unwanted sexual behaviours that go against their own values.”
The term ‘sex addiction’ is thrown around a lot but it hasn’t actually been endorsed by any scientific communities, including the World Health Organisation, as there’s a complete lack of evidence to prove its existence. Yet, with news stories about celebrity sex addicts, rampant misinformation about sex swirling continuously online, and the misconception that high sex drives are innately damaging, the term stays popular.
Something about the term ‘sex addict’ didn’t feel right at the time but who am I to argue with a doctor?
That doesn’t mean people don’t struggle with sexual disorders. And unfortunately, it doesn’t stop people from being misdiagnosed with sex addiction. 25-year-old sex worker Chloe* knows this first-hand, having been incorrectly diagnosed with sex addiction by her GP (general practitioner). “I had a horrible ex-boyfriend who thought my sex drive was ‘out of hand’. He called me a ‘nympho’ and couldn’t compute why I wanted my job and my personal life to revolve around sex.” Chloe’s then-boyfriend pushed her to see a doctor, where the term ‘sex addiction’ was first said to her. She says “something about the term didn’t feel right at the time but who am I to argue with a doctor?” Like Jamie, Chloe was encouraged to try abstaining from sex. “It was literally impossible. I love sex and I didn’t want to give it up. I don’t think I had a problem, my GP was clearly basing my diagnosis on how much sex I was having,” Chloe adds.
It was two years later, when Chloe had left her boyfriend and made friends with other sex-positive people who shared her same interest in sex, that she realised she’d been misdiagnosed. “Being in a sex positive circle, there were plenty of people around me showing me there was nothing wrong with my sex drive. So what if I’m ‘obsessed’ with sex? Sex is great. What’s not to be obsessed with?” Chloe explains.
Neves says that people are often misdiagnosed with ‘sex addiction’ because many therapists are still trained in this old-fashioned concept, unfortunately. “There are also online tests such as ‘Am I a sex addict’ that people can do and self-diagnose. But those online tests have no basis in science,” he tells us.
For some, the ‘sex addiction’ term isn’t a problem. “I don’t mind being called a sex addict personally,” says Jamie. “It’s easier to explain to people and I feel like if it creates awareness, it can be a good thing.”
Words carry a lot of weight, and referring to this disorder incorrectly as an ‘addiction’ has led to many patients being treated incorrectly, according to Neves. Often, patients are recommended to practice permanent abstinence, a method that lacks a much-needed nuanced approach to sexuality. Neves explains that many people use sex and masturbation to soothe themselves from unpleasant emotions, underlying psychological disturbances or post-traumatic stress, and no one should be made to refrain from it.
26-year-old engineer Chris was incorrectly diagnosed by two separate GPs with sex addiction, finding out three years into his treatment that it wasn’t an addiction at all. “I was floored when I switched therapists and she informed me that it wasn’t a real thing. I’d been in and out of 12-step programmes — the kind of ones you get for drink and drugs — and every doctor I’d seen had told me to stop watching porn, wanking, and having sex as much as possible. They expected me to do that basically forever as well,” he tells Mashable.
“It was honestly disheartening. I never stayed on track with abstinence and I always felt like it was my fault, like I was doing something wrong. And obviously that would make abstinence even harder,” he says. “I saw a psychotherapist who told me I never should have been doing that, and that I had compulsive sexual behaviour which wasn’t an addiction. It was so upsetting.”
This strain of shame, which can dig deep into our psyches and wreak havoc, can also cause problematic sexual behaviour. Neves says “the acute shame is what keeps sexual behaviours problematic, because shame needs to be soothed.” Those who are labelled a sex addict and then essentially banned from sex will be trapped in a loop of unjust shame.
It’s down to us to decide what does or doesn’t fit into our sex lives, not anyone else. So unless abstinence or any other big changes to your sex life are on your sexual bucket list, they have no place as a treatment. Neves adds that “compulsive sexual behaviours can be treated with a sex-positive, sexology-informed approach that helps people understand their erotic mind as erotic awareness kills sexual compulsivity.”
If you’re suffering with a dependency on sex or a sex life that you’re finding damaging but difficult to pull away from, he suggests “investigating the function of sexual compulsivity.” Ask yourself, is the sexual behaviour there to soothe an underlying problem or unresolved trauma, or it there a conflict between the sex you want and enjoy, versus the sex you’re actually seeking? “Then treat the underlying causes, rather than trying to control behaviours on the surface.”
The mere suggestion of a person being addicted to sex contributes to the shame and stigma we already attach to sex in society. The concept that a person’s desire for sexual connection can go ‘too far’ or be ‘too high’ or ‘too low’ leads sexually active people to have confused ideas about what ‘normal sex’ might look like, proving just how much we need to move away from the idea of ‘normal’ and ‘abnormal’ sex at all. This, along with our notorious lack of sex education, make the perfect breeding ground for sex-negative judgments.
Sex is shrouded in shame, myths and misinformation. As Neves puts it, “It is easy for people to believe that they’re ‘wrong’ or ‘broken’ if they don’t have what society deems as ‘healthy sex’ — which is basically vanilla heterosexual sex, missionary position with a scented candle of the frequency of not too much, not too little.” Sex is not like gambling or substances. It’s one of the most human, connective experiences we can engage in. And to hold real people with various sexual identities and tastes to a false idea of “normal sex” and punish them with sex prohibition rooted in bad science, is nothing short of joyless.
*names have been changed at interviewees’ request.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
How To Reject Someone Nicely But Firmly
It’s never easy to reject someone. Most of us don’t like hurting people, and rejection can undoubtedly sting.
That said, a kind but clear rejection is a gift: You’re letting someone know—in no uncertain terms—that you’re not interested in them romantically so that they don’t continue to waste their time and energy on you or get their hopes up or face further hurt or disappointment down the line. You’re also setting a boundary for yourself and protecting your own time and head space.
To make the conversation a little easier, we reached out to dating experts to get their best tips on how to reject someone nicely but firmly.
Deciding how to reject someone.
The first thing to consider is how you’re going to deliver the news, whether that’s via text, in person, or another mode of communication.
While it’s widely considered best practice to break up with someone in person, letting someone know you’re not interested in them doesn’t always warrant an in-person meetup. According to sex and dating coach Myisha Battle, M.S., it’s totally fine to reject someone over text if you’ve only gone on a date or two and your primary mode of communication has been through text. “To some folks, rejection by text is even preferable to meeting up in person only to be told things aren’t working,” she tells mbg.
That said, context matters a lot. “Think about your own specific situation,” she says. “If you’ve been dating for a few months, it might be best to have a face-to-face chat.”
If you’re going to do it over text, below are a few examples of simple rejection texts you can send.
How to reject someone over text:
- “Hey there! This weekend was really fun. To be honest, though, I’m not really feeling a spark. I hope you can understand, and I really wish you all the best.”
- “Thanks for dinner last night! I do want to be honest with you, though—I had a great time, but I don’t think we’re a great match. I wish you the best, though, and hope you find what you’re looking for out there!”
- “I’m really flattered by the attention you’ve been giving me lately, but just to be upfront with you, I’m not interested in you in that way. I think you’re great, though, and I hope we can still be friends.”
- “[Name], I think you’re a great guy/girl. I’m just not feeling a connection here.”
- “Hey, [name], I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you these last few weeks. I think you’re hilarious and such fun. That said, I’m just not feeling a romantic connection here, and I think it’d be best for us to go our separate ways. I’m really glad we met, and I hope you find your person soon.”
General best practices when rejecting someone:
1. Ditch the guilt.
“First, it’s important to move away from an ‘I am rejecting you’ mindset to embrace a ‘we’re not a good match’ mindset,” says Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and author of the book Date Smart. “On a neurolinguistic level, we tend to feel negative and guilty if we reject someone. However, if we switch to a ‘we’re not a good match’ mindset, we neutralize the guilt and negativity.”
Think of it this way: At minimum, a good match involves two people who are both really excited about each other. If that’s not where you’re at, it’s in both people’s best interests to move on. And at the end of the day, you don’t owe anyone your time or affection, no matter how much they like you.
2. Consider your timing.
“Be thoughtful. Rejection of any kind is hard to dish and receive,” Battle points out. “Think about when might be a good time to deliver the news, for them and yourself.”
If you know they have a big work presentation tomorrow, maybe save your rejection text for the day after. If you’re feeling really stressed out right now, maybe focus on getting to a more relaxed place before you suggest meeting up to deliver the news so that you can let them down with a little more grace and thoughtfulness.
3. Be honest.
Don’t beat around the bush, make up excuses, or reach for cliches (“it’s not you, it’s me”)—just be honest about where you’re at with this person. “It’s hard, but letting a person know why you feel things won’t work is usually the best move,” Battle says. “Most people will respect your honest assessment, and if they don’t, that’s an even bigger sign of incompatibility.”
Now, of course, being honest doesn’t mean pummeling the person with all the reasons you don’t like them. It just means being direct and making it clear that the door is truly closed for you.
“You might skip the feedback about how you’re not attracted to them, but you can say that you ‘didn’t feel a romantic connection’ to relay this,” Battle adds.
4. Don’t speak for them.
Importantly, remember that you can’t speak for how they feel or what they need—you only know how you feel and what you need.
“Never speak on their behalf,” Battle says. “It might feel like the right thing to point out why you aren’t the best match forthem, but it’s best to frame things from your experience instead. Use ‘I’ statements and focus on what you’re looking for and why the other person isn’t right for you.”
5. Avoid overexplaining.
Now, while you should be honest and clear about why you’re ending things, Manly also recommends keeping your messaging pretty simple overall. “It’s easy to over-explain and offer proof of why the person is not a good fit for you. However, this can often create a rat’s nest of questions and negative feelings,” she notes. “Avoid overexplaining, rationalizing, or getting into a back-and-forth about how thingscouldpossibly work out.”
If you are having this conversation in person, a little bit of back-and-forth may be unavoidable if the other person chooses to ask questions to understand more. You can offer your honest assessment, as Battle points out, without necessarily getting into the weeds or turning the conversation into a negotiation.
If they push for more answers, here are some ideas for ways to respond without inviting debate:
- “I’m just not feeling a connection, and I can only go with my gut.”
- “I just don’t feel the same way.”
- “That’s just the way I feel.”
- “I know the feeling I’m looking for, and I’m just not feeling it here.”
- “I don’t think we’re a good match for each other, and while I know you might not agree, I hope you can trust that I know what’s right for me.”
- “I don’t know what else to say. This is just where I’m at, and I hope you can respect my decision.”
6. Avoid harsh feedback.
Be thoughtful about your word choice in this conversation. There’s no need to be mean to someone as you walk them to the door (literally or metaphorically). As Battle notes, you can communicate where you stand without turning it into a commentary on this person’s character.
“It’s important to be direct and straightforward—yet very kind and compassionate,” says Manly. It’s not necessary to tell someone that you’re not sexually attracted to them, that you don’t like their sense of humor, or that you find conversations with them uninteresting. “Such comments sting and stick in the other person’s memory long after the event.”
Manly also recommends avoiding the word rejection in the conversation if possible. “Many people become triggered by the word rejection due to childhood issues, early life dating experiences, and even work situations,” she explains. “When we move away from the term rejection, we tend to avoid the land mine personal triggers or the often unknown triggers of the person we’re talking to.”
7. Accept that they may be hurt.
At the end of the day, you can’t control the way someone feels, and you shouldn’t try to.
“The person who wants to disconnect can surely do so in a respectful, kind way, but this does not guarantee that the other person won’t feel hurt or disappointed,” Manly explains. “However, you’re not responsible for that person’s feelings when your actions were kind and compassionate. In general, the best you can do is break things off as kindly and gently as possible.”
You can and should try to reject someone without hurting them by exercising kindness and thoughtfulness in the conversation, but after that, how they handle that rejection is up to them.
“They may have an emotional reaction to your rejection or want to give their own feedback,” Battle adds. “You can listen and then politely disengage. If you have been honest and kind in your delivery, that’s all you’re responsible for.”
How to reject someone and still be friends.
Yes, it’s possible to reject someone romantically and still continue to be friends. “If you really like someone on every level except sexually and/or romantically, you can tell them that while you don’t think it’s a good idea to date each other, you’d still like to hang out if they’re open to it,” says Battle. “It may take time for them to come around, but some of the best friendships can start after a rejection.”
The key here, though, is to make sure friendship would feel good for both people. Sometimes a rejection—and, more broadly, the disappointment of realizing a relationship won’t blossom the way you hoped it would—can take quite a while for someone to work through and find acceptance. Battle says to be sure not to force it if the dynamic feels strained or difficult, or if you suspect it may be too painful or too soon for the other person. It may be necessary to push the pause button and give them some space to really move on before you reach out again to nurture a friendship.
(For more, we’ve got a full guide on how to be friends with an ex.)
The takeaway.
Rejecting someone nicely is all about being thoughtful, clear, and direct with your words so there’s no uncertainty about where you stand. And remember, letting them know how you feel helps them out in the long run—because it allows them to start working on moving on so they can spend their time on someone who actually likes them back in the same way.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Medicines and Sex
— Not Always a Good Mix
For both men and women, it takes a complicated chain of events to move from arousal to a satisfying orgasm. The mind has to stay focused, nerves have to stay sensitive, and blood has to flow to all the right places. Unfortunately, many things can break the chain — including, perhaps, the pills in your medicine cabinet.
Medicines often work by altering blood flow and brain chemistry, so its no surprise that they can affect sexual function, and not always for the better. Medications can shut down a person’s sex drive, delay orgasms, or prevent orgasms entirely. Medications are also a leading cause of erectile dysfunction in men.
If you’ve noticed a drop in your ability to have or enjoy sex, talk to your doctor about possible causes. Be sure to bring a list of every medication you’re taking. A simple change of drugs or doses could be all it takes. But never stop taking a prescription drug or change dosages on your own. Your doctor can help you determine if a drug you’re taking is the problem — and help you switch to another medication safely.
What drugs can affect sexual function?
SSRIs (antidepressants) You may have noticed that television ads for common antidepressants such as Paxil (paroxetine) or Zoloft (sertraline) mention “certain sexual side effects.” The full story is that for some people, SSRI antidepressants can put desire on hold and make it difficult to achieve orgasm. A study of nearly 600 men and women treated with an SSRI, published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, found that roughly one in six patients reported new sexual problems. The number-one complaint? Delayed or absent orgasms. Many patients also reported declines in desire. Overall, men were more likely than women to report sexual problems while on SSRIs.
As reported in The American Family Physician, other studies have found that up to one-half of patients taking SSRIs have reported sexual problems. Study results vary depending on the patients studied and the questions asked, but the final message is the same: Sexual side effects caused by SSRIs are common.
If SSRIs are affecting your sex life, talk to your doctor. As reported in Current Psychiatry Reports, there are several options to get you back on track. Your doctor may suggest switching to Wellbutrin (bupropion), or another non-SSRI antidepressant that is less likely to cause sexual side effects. If your current medication is working well and you don’t want to make a switch, your doctor may want to lower the dose or give you a break from taking drugs. A few studies have suggested that men who develop erectile dysfunction while taking SSRIs may respond to Viagra (sildenafil), Cialis (tadalafil), or Levitra (vardenafil) added to their overall treatment plan.
Blood pressure medications
Many drugs that control high blood pressure — including commonly prescribed diuretics and beta blockers — can also put the brakes on a person’s sex life. The drugs can cause erectile dysfunction in men and, when taken by women, they can diminish sexual desire.
In many cases, the best way to overcome sexual problems caused by blood pressure medication is simply to switch prescriptions. ACE inhibitors and calcium antagonists seem less likely than diuretics or beta blockers to cause sexual side effects.
Keep in mind that not every blood pressure medication is right for every person. Your doctor will help you determine whether a different prescription would be the best option for you, and can recommend the right one for your particular circumstances.
Opioid (narcotic) painkillers Opioids such as morphine or OxyContin (oxycodone) do more than just ease pain. As an unfortunate side effect, the drugs can also reduce the production of testosterone and other hormones that help drive sexual desire in both men and women.
The sexual side effects of opioids haven’t been thoroughly investigated, but preliminary studies paint a disappointing picture. As reported in the Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism, a study of 73 men and women receiving spinal infusions of opioids uncovered widespread sexual problems. Ninety-five percent of the men and 68 percent of the women reported a drop in sex drive, and all of the premenopausal women either developed irregular periods or stopped menstruating completely.
If you think opioids might be undermining your sex life, ask your doctor if it’s possible to get similar pain relief from non-opioid medications. Even if you don’t quit opioids completely, merely cutting back could help you regain your spark. Your doctor may be able to suggest other methods of pain relief such as massage or biofeedback that will make it easier for you to scale back on your opioids. If blood tests show that you’re low in testosterone, your doctor may want to prescribe testosterone shots or patches to help rekindle your sex drive.
Antihistamines Even some over-the-counter drugs can affect your sex life. Antihistamines are a prime example. As reported by the Cleveland Clinic, these drugs can cause erectile dysfunction or ejaculation problems in men. For women, antihistamines can cause vaginal dryness.
This is only a partial list. Other drugs that can affect a person’s sex life include oral contraceptives, tricyclic antidepressants, antipsychotics, and cholesterol medications. You and your doctor should take sexual side effects seriously, but you should be able to find a way to restore sexual abilities and desires without compromising your treatment.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Does alcohol make you hornier?
We look at the research behind drinking and libido
Many people find they’re more liberated after a couple of glasses, but does alcohol genuinely fuel sexual desire?
by Chloe Gray
In British and American culture, it’s almost impossible to untangle sex and alcohol. On TV, drinking is a lubricant that means characters go from club to bedroom before rolling around hungover. Dates are centred around romantic dinners with glasses of wine for both new couples and those in committed relationships. While single people might be more likely to meet a sexual partner on a dating app than they are in a bar, these meet-ups still tend to happen over drinks.
Many of us would argue that we’re more relaxed and liberated after a couple of glasses, and that makes us more ‘up for it’. But is feeling hornier a pavlovian response to being in an alcohol-infused environment or does alcohol genuinely fuel sexual desire?
The psychological impact of alcohol might be to blame, says sexologist Catriona Boffard. “In the moment, being drunk can decrease our anxieties – a major psychological factor that can consistently get in the way of wanting sex,” she says. As we learn more about the impact of mental health on our physiology, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to suggest that feeling more comfortable makes it easier to function in the bedroom.
“No matter if you’re single or coupled up, being drunk may mean you’re feeling more frisky and more willing to engage sexually with someone,” Bafford adds.
But that’s only to a point. In an article in Psychology Today, Michael Castleman, author of Sizzling Sex For Life, says that 13 of 16 studies he reviewed “showed that as women become intoxicated, they report increasing sexual arousal. But high doses – [that lead to] stumbling drunkenness – suppress arousal.”
When it comes to orgasms, Drinkaware points to some qualitative research that suggests women may also find it more difficult to reach climax or have less intense orgasms after drinking alcohol.
“Participants commonly reported… numbness while on alcohol. These changes in sensation appear to have influenced length and intensity of sex as well as orgasm,” researchers from the 2016 Archives of Sexual Behaviour paper wrote. While orgasm isn’t the only sign of good sex, researchers pointed out that alcohol’s ability to increase libido “does not necessarily increase or allow for optimal performance”.
But being a few drinks in just doesn’t do it for some people – and that’s OK. “Many are simply less inclined to want sex after drinking because they have what is known as a more sensitive sexual inhibition system or ‘sexual brakes’. There exists a multitude of reasons why someone wants to have or not have sex, and for some people, they aren’t just going to have sex because they are drinking,” says Boffard.
And, of course, it goes without saying that mixing alcohol with sex can be dangerous in certain circumstances. “We may be more open and interested in taking risks when drinking, and alcohol can also lead to aggressive behaviour which could make sex a very unsafe space,” notes Bafford.
The long-term impact of alcohol on our sex lives
We know that alcohol has a mark on our health that goes beyond a hangover, and the same can be said for our sex drive. A 2014 paper reported that alcohol damages the hypothalamic-pituitary-gonadal axis that links the hormone centres and our sex organs. In alcohol abusers, dysfunction of this axis was shown to be associated with a decrease in libido and infertility.
“Alcohol can also have a major impact on our physical and psychological wellbeing, and this can lead to a nasty cycle of dependency. Some people can become dependent on a substance, like alcohol, in order to have sex, which may mean they experience high levels of anxiety around sober sex. And because alcohol affects functions including orgasms, it can create a very unhealthy cycle of anxiety,” adds Boffard.
While a glass of wine can be the perfect way to kick off a romantic evening, it’s hardly healthy to rely on alcohol when it comes to sex. But the research does seem to suggest that being in a situation where you feel comfortable, are with a trusted partner and can maintain tipsiness over drunkenness, a glass or two might actually improve your sex. Cheers to that.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
A Beginner’s Guide To BDSM, With Tips From A Sex Therapist
Who, btw, says it’s the safest kind of sex you can have.
Few things in life are as misunderstood as BDSM. The sex practice is often accused of being physically or mentally harmful, something that only survivors of abuse embrace, or abnormally kinky. But it’s important for beginners to understand that it’s actually none of those things.
At its most basic, BDSM is an umbrella term for three categories: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism (more details on those in a minute). They might each sound scary in their own right, but because they rely on a judgement-free zone where communication about your desires and boundaries come first, BDSM can actually be the safest (and most fun) kind of sex you can have, says Holly Richmond, PhD, a somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist.
“So much of our life is controlled, so for a lot of people, it’s nice to be let off the hook,” Richmond explains. Think about it: Your work schedule, rent payments, and (ugh) taxes are all set by external forces. BDSM offers a world of freedom to play, experiment, and allow someone else to take the reins—at your consent. Or on the flip side, if you’re the one who likes to do the controlling, you get to call the shots for once.
“I like to call it ‘power play’ because, to me, that is at the heart of BDSM,” says sex expert Ian Kerner, PhD, author of She Comes First. “You’re able to use your imagination, create a scene, role play, and tap into themes that are interesting like submission and domination.”
If you’re a BDSM beginner, it can be tough to imagine BDSM as anything but a Red Room (thanks, Fifty Shades) with chains and whips to excite you (à la Rihanna). And though the practice typically does involve props, they don’t make an appearance right off the bat. Instead, as a beginner, you’ll want to take things slowly until you figure out what BDSM looks like for you and your partner(s), since someone else’s methods won’t necessarily get you going.
Also, keep in mind BDSM can take a little prep work, says Jess O’Reilly, PhD, host of the @SexWithDrJess Podcast. “Because BDSM can include activities that are new, intimidating, and risky, you need to proceed with care and caution,” she says. “Don’t assume that you can dive in head-first and re-enact a scene from a film or erotic novel without preparation, education, or experience.”
Below is everything you need to know if you’re thinking about trying your hand at BDSM so that the sexual encounter will leave you pleasured and empowered. As it should.
1. Educate yourself.
Besides oftentimes being inaccurate, the portrayals of BDSM you’ve seen in film (or porn) are probably not going to work for you (they tend to be a tad…extreme). Richmond recommends reading up on BDSM, taking a class to learn about moves and scenarios you can play out with your partner, and bringing in a sex therapist if need be, so that you can figure out what your version of the practice looks like.
But to get a better grasp on what each of three categories mean, here’s a quick primer, from Richmond:
- Bondage and discipline: Bondage is a form of sex play that focuses on restraint. Having another person control your pleasure is central here, and it can involve props such as handcuffs, ropes, blindfolds, or a range of restraints. Discipline is the practice of training a “submissive” to obey, follow rules, or perform certain acts. Discipline is almost always present in the relationship between a dominant partner and a submissive one.
- Dominance and submission: This describes the practice of giving power or control (submission) to another who then takes it (dominance). Dominance and submission can be emotional, physical, or both, and the dynamic can be played out in sexual acts—or through acts of being in control/acts of service. For some, the roles are full-time (including outside the bedroom), while for others, the roles are only taken on at predetermined times of erotic encounter.
- Sadism and masochism: The acts of sadism and masochism are performed by people who derive pleasure from pain. The sadist enjoys inflicting pain on someone else, while the masochist enjoys receiving pain. Remember: This is pleasurable and one of the safest forms of sex because of the significant amount of work put into boundary-setting and open communication. Most people who engage in sadism or masochism enjoy a sense of empowerment from enduring something difficult.
P.S. Your experience doesn’t have to involve all three categories, or even both roles within a category. You might discover, for example, that you’re naturally dominant or submissive, or someone who can switch back and forth between both. Or you might even realize that while you like being tied down (bondage), you don’t particularly enjoy going under the whip (discipline).
2. Start with a fantasy.
Kerner says he sees a lot of couples make the same mistake: They go to a sex shop, grab a few toys, and then come back and tell him that BDSM just isn’t for them. “Instead, it’s better to start with figuring out what’s hot and sexy for you,” he says. “Don’t be afraid to start with your own imagination and what turns you on.” Not sure what does it for you? He recommends reading some BDSM stories that have power themes or watching ethical porn that has BDSM to see what you might be into.
3. Talk it out.
Sit down with your partner and have an honest conversation about your desires, what turns you on, and what your boundaries are. Richmond stresses that this convo, which is incredibly important before trying any type of BDSM (or any sex act, really) must be done face-to-face, since “eye contact is how we communicate empathy.”
Because BDSM typically involves surrendering control, trust and communication is everything. It’s extremely important that you’re as specific as possible with your partner about what you want and don’t want, as they should be with you. For example, let them know if the idea of being blindfolded excites you but having your hands cuffed makes you anxious. Similarly, hear them out if they tell you they never want to be in a submissive role.
From there, the two of you will be able to better negotiate consent and identify your limits to make sure that you’re both comfortable throughout the process.
4. Consider making it a group affair.
If you realize that you’re willing and wanting to go further than your partner, you might even discuss bringing an additional person into the mix. A third party whose boundaries better match up with yours can ensure that you all have fulfilling experiences—as long as, of course, your partner is on board.
If they’re not, try to talk to your partner about what they might be comfortable with trying at least once with you, to see how they truly feel about it. If they absolutely can’t get behind experimenting with some of your fantasies, Richmond notes that it’s common for couples to agree that “when there’s one partner who wants to do more, they will go to sex party or a dungeon.” Again, not as scary as it sounds!
5. Write it down.
Remember how Christian Grey and Anastasia had a written contract? It actually wasn’t a horrible idea. Since BDSM is all about communication, communication, and communication, it might be helpful to write down what you and your partner discuss in a contract of sorts—even if you’re dating or married.
This way you’ll have something to refer to when you need a refresher on your partner’s boundaries, says Richmond. As you get more comfortable with BDSM and want to take it further, you can come back to your contract, renegotiate, and make amendments. P.S. This can be kind of fun—not weird or transactional—because it ups the excitement for what’s to come (emphasis on come).
This content is imported from {embed-name}. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.
6. Pick a setting.
Part of a BDSM game plan is picking a spot to do the deed, says Richmond. That might be a hotel on your next vacation (where it might be easier to tap into a different persona), a room reserved for power-play sex, or just your boring old bedroom. As long as it’s a place you feel safe, you’re good to go.
7. Come up with a safe word.
Speaking of safety, if things go too far and you or your partner cross a boundary you didn’t anticipate, decide on a word you’ll both say (and obviously listen to) if that time comes. Richmond suggests picking something totally random that you wouldn’t normally say in the bedroom, such as “milkshake” or “turtleneck.”
Once you hear or say the safe word, everything should stop immediately. BDSM only works when it’s mutual pleasurable for everyone involved—so as soon as it’s clear things have pushed too far, game over. Ask your partner if they’re okay, stay by their side until they’ve expressed what it is that called for the safe word, and then ask them what they’ll need from that moment forward, says Richmond.
8. Check for emotional safety, too.
That means asking your partner if they’re feeling comfortable. “A simple ‘Are you okay?’ may suffice or you may develop a non-verbal cue to communicate your enjoyment of a scene,” she says. Example: Giving two light taps to let your S.O. know that you’re feeling good. “You’ll also want to check in to establish that your partner’s physical safety is secured,” O’Reilly says. “If you’ve tied them up, you should check the skin under the bondage equipment to ensure that their circulation isn’t obstructed. If you’ve been spanking them, you’ll want to check in and make sure that the pressure isn’t too much for them to handle.”
9. Go shopping.
BDSM is exciting in its own right, but bringing in toys and props can take the fun up a notch, says Richmond. Head to a sex store with your partner and let your imagination run wild. You might load up on restraints, chain nipple clamps, vibrators, paddles, anal beads, and/or lube to help you better lean into your agreed-upon roles.
“This is all about pleasure,” says Richmond so stock up on anything that will make you and your partner feel good.
10. Dress up.
The same way props and toys can bring out your dominant side or the masochist in you, dressing the part can be just as helpful in setting the scene. For example, if you’re the submissive during the experience, you might try a choker—or a cat mask and tail—to represent your willingness to obey your “owner” during the session.
Have fun with it! You don’t need to go all-out Halloween-style, but if a little costume or accessory helps you channel your inner sex goddess, wear it proudly.
11. Go slowly.
“You can talk and plan all you want to, but most of the time, in the moment, there will be a little tripping point,” says Richmond. This makes going slowly essential. You can familiarize yourself with which moves might be too rough for you or your partner and decide whether or not you actually enjoy, say, having your hair pulled during doggy.
Whether you’re just getting into BDSM or you’re a seasoned pro, the practice will always be “an experiential process where the more you do, the more you’ll know,” says Richmond. She assures she’s “very rarely heard of someone getting hurt beyond what was agreed upon,” but you still have your partner to think about. Taking your time helps ensure that you don’t cross their boundaries, either—because once you do, they might not want to give BDSM another go.
12. Space out your experiences.
It’s easy to get so ramped up at the idea of trying BDSM that you want to dive in with everything ASAP. But O’Reilly recommends slowing your roll. “Don’t feel you need to try everything at once,” she says. “The kinky sex all-you-can-eat buffet is constantly being replenished and you can come back for as many rounds as you’d like.”
She suggests trying out one BDSM aspect at a time and then “break down your wildest fantasy into manageable parts.” For example, if you’re craving sex in public, lots of props, spanking, and submission, maybe try incorporating just one of them into your regular rotation at a time. “You might gradually move sex into a semi-public space, like a balcony or backyard, or before beginning to try new props and power play,” O’Reilly says. “Too much novelty at once can overwhelm your senses and intensify anxiety to a level at which arousal becomes impossible.”
13. Save time for “aftercare.”
“The conversation you have after the experience is just as much a part of sex as the acts themselves,” says Richmond. This conversation, typically called “aftercare,” is a chance to debrief by asking your partner about what they enjoyed most and what they were thinking when you, say, lightly spanked them.
The verbal intimacy and vulnerability expressed after the BDSM experience will strengthen the bond you have with your partner. And that’s a whole other type of bondage worth getting behind.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
How Your Libido Can Change in Your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, and Beyond
By Erica Sloan
Feeling a sudden rush of sexiness, or even the urge to rip your (or someone else’s) clothes right off in sexual fervor might be what you associate with libido. And, to be fair, that seemingly animalistic tendency is on full display in pop culture depictions of sex. But in reality, this kind of sexual desire—called spontaneous desire—is just one type of libido. The other is responsive desire, which is the feeling of wanting to have sex that happens in response to physical arousal or other motivations, like a yearning to be more intimate with a partner. Even though libido is often perceived as something that should just happen naturally, both types are actually influenced by a whole set of social, environmental, and physical factors—many of which change by age.
To be clear, no matter what age you are, there’s no “normal” level of libido that you should be experiencing. “Libido is as dynamic as each person who experiences it,” says gynecologist and sexual-medicine specialist Christie Cobb, MD. While society tends to overvalue the kind of spontaneous desire portrayed in movies, there’s “nothing wrong with your libido if you don’t naturally wake up every day wanting to seek out a sexual experience,” she says. On the flip side, if you do tend to feel the spontaneous desire to have sex on the regular, there’s nothing necessarily wrong with that either.
“Libido is still not fully understood by sexual scientists, though we do know that it has relational, health-related, hormonal, and psychological components driving it.” —Laurie Mintz, PhD, sex therapist and psychologist
Largely, that’s because of the complexity of libido, says sex therapist and psychologist Laurie Mintz, PhD, sex expert at sex-toy retailer Lelo and author of Becoming Cliterate. “Libido is still not fully understood by sexual scientists, though we do know that it has relational, health-related, hormonal, and psychological components driving it,” she says. And many of these components are in our control. For example, things like chronic stress and lack of sleep have been shown to diminish libido, while masturbating and exercising regularly may increase it. (And those associations could apply to folks of any age.)
But because some of the key factors driving libido do tend to look similar in people of the same age (say, the libido-diminishing, child-rearing tasks typical for a person in their 30s or 40s, or the menopausal dip in hormones after that), libido often changes similarly by age, too. Below, experts share some of the scenarios that can influence libido at each decade of adulthood for people with uteruses, with the essential caveat that everyone’s sexual experience is unique and personal.
“Certain aspects of life could get you going, sexually, while other elements could pump your brakes, and this dual-control model of sexuality applies at any age or stage,” says Dr. Cobb. As a result, the following progression of libido by age mostly reflects generalized guideposts, within which there’s a lot of wiggle room for more or less sexual desire.
Here’s how libido may change by age for people with a uterus
In your 20’s:
Because this decade typically offers ample opportunities for sexual exploration, it’s often a time of heightened libido, says gynecologist Lyndsey Harper, MD, co-founder and chief medical officer at sexual wellness platform Rosy. “Thanks to higher levels of hormones and lower levels of responsibility, relatively speaking, many people experience a lot of sexual discovery, excitement, and desire in their 20s.”
That’s only amplified by the fact that in your 20s, you may have more sexual partners prior to potentially committing to one or a few. And the sparks-flying energy of new relationships can increase spontaneous desire, says Dr. Cobb.
It’s also the case that ovulation may boost libido, which could further contribute to a higher sex drive during these super biologically fertile years, says gynecologist Susan Hardwick-Smith, MD. For the same reason, being on hormonal contraception during this time could have the opposite effect on some people (although research is mixed on the subject). “When you’re on birth-control pills, you don’t ovulate or experience that spike in testosterone, which could, in turn, reduce libido,” says Dr. Hardwick-Smith.
Psychologically speaking, says Dr. Mintz, being anxious about getting pregnant or worried about your performance or appearance during sex acts—which could happen at any age, but may be more prevalent in your 20’s—could also lower your libido.
In your 30’s:
A bunch of life stressors typically come into play during this decade, from additional career pressures to child-bearing and -rearing demands. This mix just doesn’t typically mesh with a high libido, says Dr. Mintz. “Having a new baby or a young child on its own can be very emotionally and physically demanding, leaving you sleep-deprived or constantly caretaking, both of which create little opportunity for spontaneous desire,” she says.
To follow that baby thread one step further, it’s also possible that the hormonal changes of breastfeeding may reduce libido, too. “Typically, people who are breastfeeding have low levels of estrogen, which can create vaginal dryness and make sex painful,” says Dr. Hardwick-Smith. And that could, understandably, decrease a person’s interest in having it, in the first place.
“Sexual desire may become more responsive during this time, meaning that desire for sex may only be there after getting started in a sexual act.” —Lyndsey Harper, MD, gynecologist
Even if you don’t have kids during this decade, you might be having sex with a longer-term partner—which can make things feel less novel (and therefore less likely to spark spontaneous desire), says Dr. Harper. “As a result, sexual desire may become more responsive during this time, meaning that desire for sex may only be there after getting started in a sexual act or reading a sexy story, for example,” she says.
In your 40’s:
This decade typically coincides with perimenopause (and in some cases, menopause). As a result, hormone shifts can play a big role in diminishing libido by this age and stage, says Dr. Mintz. “Specifically, hormones like estrogen and progesterone begin to drop, which can lead to menopause symptoms like hot flashes, insomnia, and mood swings—all of which can shrink desire.” These hormonal changes often lead to vaginal dryness, which can cause pain with sex and lower libido, as noted above. (In this case, vaginal estrogen or hormone replacement therapy could be major game-changers.)
That said, your 40’s can also bring more time and resources to devote to yourself, says Dr. Cobb, particularly if you have children who are now leaving the nest and/or a more established career. The extra time available for personal sex-ploration could also reduce stress levels and improve body image—all of which can dial up spontaneous desire, too.
There’s also something to be said about becoming more comfortable in your own skin simply as a result of having lived in it for a while by this point in time. “With age often comes increased confidence in one’s self, a keener knowledge and comfort with what turns you on, and the ability to tell your partner what you need for pleasure and orgasm,” says Dr. Mintz.
In your 50’s and beyond:
Following the perimenopausal stage, people with uteruses usually hit menopause by their early 50’s—bringing with it a potential drop in libido. “By the time you’re in menopause, you’re no longer producing any estrogen or progesterone, and your testosterone levels are very, very low, all of which can dramatically affect sexual desire,” says Dr. Hardwick-Smith. “At the same time, as you age, you lose some blood flow to the clitoris, which may result in decreased sexual sensation and decreased ability to have an orgasm.” And without orgasm as easily in the picture, libido can diminish, too.
Around this phase of life, chronic health issues tend to be more prevalent, as well, says Dr. Cobb—the stress and management of which can potentially dampen libido, too. In this vein, if you’re having sex with a person who has a penis, you may also need to contend with their erectile dysfunction during this decade. “This can be a particular challenge if you experience mainly responsive desire [and tend to feel mentally aroused or interested in sex only after beginning a physical sex act],” says Dr. Cobb.
Even so, some folks also experience a feeling of sexual liberation during menopause, says Dr. Cobb. After all, this decade brings freedom from menstruation and the risk of pregnancy, which can boost spontaneous desire. As noted above, it’s also the case that you could feel even more comfortable in your own body and more confident communicating what you want during sex as you reach your 50’s, adds Dr. Mintz: “At this age, sex can become less goal-focused on intercourse and orgasm, and more focused on pleasure and connection and fun.”
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
What Does It Mean To Be Panromantic?
For some people, gender plays an important role when it comes to choosing romantic partners, but this isn’t the case for people who are panromantic. Below, we dive into what it means to be panromantic, how it relates to pansexuality and other identities, and more.
What does it mean to be panromantic?
The prefix pan- in panromantic means “all,” “completely,” or “involving all.” That said, being panromantic means you experience romantic attraction or deep emotional connection, affection, or love for people of all genders. A panromantic person will typically be attracted to others regardless of sex or gender.
“Of course, this doesn’t imply that panromantic people are romantically attracted to just about everyone out there. It’s just that gender is the last thing that comes to their mind [when it comes to] whether or not they develop feelings for someone,” says Dainis Graveris, a sex educator and founder of Sexual Alpha. “No one is off the table when it comes to who they’re romantically attracted to.”
He adds that people of any gender can be panromantic, and they can be romantically attracted to cis and trans folks, as well as nonbinary, gender fluid, genderqueer, and other gender-nonconforming individuals.
Additionally, Graveris notes it’s important to differentiate between the “panromantic” and “pansexual” terms. In particular, the former is a type of romantic attraction, while the latter is a type of sexual attraction. (We’ll dive more into that later.)
Understanding the different types of attraction.
Through the lens of the Split Attraction Model, attraction comes in many forms, including sexual and romantic. By discerning among them, we can better explore, direct, and enjoy our various interactions with people, says Ley Cray, Ph.D., director of LGBTQIA+ programming at virtual mental health clinic Charlie Health.
So, what’s the difference between sexual attraction and romantic attraction? Sexual attraction is perhaps the easiest to explain, says Cray: You see someone, and you experience a psychological and biological response indicating to you that you’d like to engage in sexual activity with that someone. On the other hand, romantic attraction is a little harder to explain, since the widespread notion of romance we see today is a cultural construct—and in the context of human history, a relatively recent one.
“Historically, the concept has connections to the notion of courtship and at bare minimum seems to involve some desire to connect on an emotional level, with some variety of intimacy and reciprocal commitment. Some might argue that the concept even presupposes some sense of romanticizing—that is, idealizing—the person you’re attracted to,” Cray explains.
It’s important to note that not all sexual attractions are romantic attractions and not all romantic interests are coupled with a sexual attraction.
“Some folks might identify as asexual but still experience romantic attraction to folks regardless of their gender identity,” adds sex and relationship coach Azaria Menezes. “Someone who might identify as heterosexual may feel romantic attraction toward others regardless of their gender identity. Being panromantic can apply to many sexual identities.”
Signs you may be panromantic:
1. You can imagine yourself being romantically interested in someone of any gender.
You are interested in or open to love and emotional connection with people and do not experience that feeling as limited to just one or two genders. “Panromantic means that a romantic attraction/interest is possible regardless of the partner’s gender,” sexologist Carol Queen, Ph.D., says. This includes trans, nonbinary, agender, and other folks across the gender spectrum, she adds.
2. You have messy or complicated feelings toward folks of varying genders.
Like with any romantic or sexual orientation, Graveris says pan feelings can be confusing—especially if you’ve grown up in a traditional binary household. And now you’re questioning yourself, perhaps because you’re noticing romantic feelings for people of more genders than you have in the past. Understand that these feelings are entirely valid. Once you start exploring your feelings, connections, and desires for people regardless of gender, you’ll likely get some clarity over the complicated feelings.
3. When you think about yourself in a long-term relationship, the person’s gender doesn’t really matter to you.
Visualizing having a long-term partnership with someone of any gender can be a good sign that you’re panromantic. That person’s gender is the least of your concerns; what matters most to you is the formed connection and feelings you have for them, Graveris says.
4. You’ve fantasized about having more than one romantic partner.
“Of course, this doesn’t apply to all panromantic folks. However, a good number of panromantics feel that dating people of different genders at the same time will make it easier for them to express their identity,” Graveris says. He emphasizes, though, that some panromantic people do choose to be in monogamous relationships, and this doesn’t mean they’re not panromantic.
5. Other labels don’t feel right.
Labels like heterosexual, bisexual, gay, or lesbian may feel too limiting or not fully accurate for you, Queen adds. Panromanticism is related to other romantic and sexual identities, but something about the label and meaning behind the word “panromantic” just speaks to you.
“Distinguishing between [panromantic and other orientations] often takes some self-scrutiny and thinking about romantic and relationship possibilities since most of us haven’t had romantic relationships with people all over the gender spectrum,” she notes but emphasizes: “Our sexual and romantic orientation isn’t only based on experience—it can be based on desire or openness to experience.”
Panromantic vs. pansexual.
While panromantic is specifically a romantic orientation, pansexual also notes a person’s sexual orientation. According to Queen, for many people, their sexual orientation and interests are the same as their romantic orientation and interests, but this isn’t always the case.
“So, these two terms define a pan- outlook both romantically (could fall in love with and/or feel romantic toward partner/s of any gender and gender identity) and sexually (could desire and/or have sex with partner/s of any gender and gender identity),” she explains, adding that “lots of pansexual people are also likely to be panromantic.”
However, she says it’s possible to be aromantic and pansexual, for example; it is possible to be panromantic and asexual; it’s possible to be pansexual and only have romantic feelings for folks of specific identities rather than feeling potentially romantic about people across the board. These two orientations—sexual and romantic—are not the same thing, and they don’t always match up.
“In thinking about how to distinguish—consider that it is possible to want sex with someone you would not feel love or a romantic vibe with, and it is possible to want the feelings of romance with someone you aren’t into sexually,” she explains. “If you find these two sexual/emotional spaces are not just activated by specific people but many/all kinds of people, you are in the ‘pan-‘ zone, but then the question is fundamentally: sexual desire, romantic connection, or possibly both?”
Dating as a panromantic.
Navigating the dating and sex game with the most ease and success as a panromantic starts by figuring out what you want and being comfortable with the label that you choose to identify with, Graveris says.
“Don’t be afraid to explore your romantic orientation and recognize your feelings. All these efforts give you a deeper understanding of your whole self,” he explains. “Also, take the time to learn about different types of attraction as well as sexuality and gender terms and labels. While it can be overwhelming initially, it’s an essential first step. The label you choose helps you not only understand your own feelings but also connect with other people who express the same feelings.”
And as with any relationship, it’s important to communicate to your partners or potential dates about exactly who you are and how you feel attraction. Communicating with your family and friends can also be helpful. For some people, it may help to “come out” as panromantic to the people you hold close and dear in your life, who can offer support as you explore your identity.
You can come out to your loved ones in many ways, depending on what feels the most comfortable for you. “Some people gather their family and friends or have one-on-one conversations to tell them they’re panromantic. Others choose to make it ‘official’ by posting about their romantic orientation on their socials. Then, you have those who casually bring up their romantic orientation while watching a movie, eating dinner, etc.,” Graveris says.
How to support panromantic people.
The key to supporting the panromantic folks in your life is good education. Graveris says taking the time and making the effort to learn about different types of attraction, terms, and labels is also a crucial first step to understanding your feelings toward panromantic people and/or other people who have a different orientation from you. It’ll also be easier for you to support these individuals who might not express the same views/feelings as you.
“Moreover, ongoing self-education on the topic can help broaden one’s understanding of the bigger community. It also helps debunk myths and assumptions that are being thrown at panromantic people day in and day out. Take, for example, the belief that panromantic people love to sleep around,” he says.
Just because pan folks are attracted to all genders doesn’t mean they love to sleep around. Whether they choose to be in a monogamous or nonmonogamous relationship, that’s all up to them. Likewise, the likelihood of someone cheating has nothing to do with one’s romantic orientation, Graveris adds.
If you’re looking for more information about romantic orientations, there are excellent sources of information to learn more from, such as the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, which is a great information source to help people understand different terms associated with romantic orientation, sexual orientation, and sexuality. There’s also GLAAD, which is considered one of the most dynamic media sources that empower the LGBTQ+ community and its acceptance.
The takeaway.
Your sexual orientation is not the same thing as your romantic orientation. If you find yourself having romantic feelings for people without even considering their gender, you might be panromantic.
It’s important to understand and explore attraction and your romantic orientation. By doing this, you’ll develop a stronger sense of self-awareness, which will ultimately help you in all of your relationships across the board.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
How to Talk to Your Child About Sex, Ages 6 to 12
By Cynthia Gorney
How do I handle the birds-and-bees speech responsibly?
Give up on the idea of presenting the subject in one big talk — you’ll overwhelm your child with more bewildering and even distasteful information than she can process at once. Instead, think of it as a gentle conversation that will take place over several months or perhaps even years. Keep your explanations as simple and specific to the discussion as you can. A 6-year-old wondering what “birth control” means is not necessarily asking you to delineate the mechanics of intercourse.
The hardest part, of course, is staying composed. Try to respond to your child’s initial question without turning red or acting as though some momentous exchange is taking place; such a response might unnerve her or suggest that sex is linked to feelings of shame. If you can remain calm and speak naturally early on, you send an important message to your child: “You don’t need to feel nervous about asking me about this. It’s something we can talk about.”
When you arrive at the point of giving a technical description of “the Act,” it may help both of you if you say something simple like, “Look, I know this sounds gross to you now, but — trust me — it will seem different when you’re older.” A straightforward and honest approach is the best way to get through this: “When a man and a woman decide they want to do this, the man’s penis goes inside the woman’s vagina, and sperm comes out of the man’s penis. Sometimes the sperm joins with one of the tiny eggs inside the woman’s body, and that makes the egg begin growing into a baby. This happens in the special place women have called a uterus.”
Once you make it through this, you should expect your child to look both dumbfounded and suspicious, especially if it dawns on her that you may have done this thing at least once. Don’t be surprised if she suddenly changes the subject, walks away, or acts as though she hasn’t heard a word you’ve said. She heard you. She just needs time to let it sink in.
When does my daughter need to learn about menstruation?
Earlier than you probably think. Girls now commonly start their periods as early as fifth grade, so even if your daughter looks as though she’s nowhere near puberty, her schoolmates’ accounts may confuse and upset her if you haven’t given her the basic information first. She needs two things from you: first, the physical details of menstruation, and second, the security that when her period does begin (or her best friend betrays her by getting her period first), she can tell you about it without having you get embarrassed or weepy on her. You might want to start this conversation off (or simply let her know that you’re willing to have it whenever she wants) with a casual question or remark: “Do you know if any of the older girls at school have started their periods yet?” Or: “You know, when I was your age, I didn’t understand about periods and I felt too embarrassed to ask anybody.”
Another useful approach for a child who’s reached the age of 10 or so is to give her a good, readable kids’ book on puberty and sexual development. Before buying, look it over yourself to make sure you like its approach. Then put the book in your child’s room, where she can look at in private, and casually tell her that you’ve left it there for her to look at if she wants to. You can be sure the book will be read, and it may ease her fears and help her feel more comfortable about talking to you about sexual issues and feelings. One excellent series is the What’s Happening to My Body? books — one for girls and one for boys — by Lynda Madaras. Another invaluable guide for girls is The Period Book (Everything You Don’t Want to Ask But Need to Know) written by Karen Gravelle in consultation with her 15-year-old niece, Jennifer. Positive and practical, it covers tampons, pads, pimples, mood swings, and all of the other things girls wonder and worry about as they learn to deal with their menstrual cycles.
When does my son need to learn about erections, ejaculation, and wet dreams?
Boys may notice the erections of other boys (even babies), wonder about their own erections and physical responses, and hear “boner” jokes or other crude references as early as first grade. So it’s a good idea to explain erections even to very young boys in a low-key way, making sure they understand that there’s nothing shameful about a natural body response that they often have no control over. This should be easier if you’ve used the correct terms for body parts from the beginning; if you haven’t, start getting your child comfortable with saying “penis” and easing him away from the euphemistic terms he’s used until now.
Boys begin to have wet dreams when they reach puberty, usually between the ages of 9 and 15. A boy’s first ejaculation may occur during a wet dream, and when he wakes up, he may not realize what happened. Thus it’s important to let your son know well before puberty that wet dreams are a normal part of growing up and nothing to be ashamed of, that he can’t control them, and that ejaculation is just a physical sign that he’s growing into manhood.
What should I say to my child about masturbation?
Talking about masturbation is embarrassing for both you and your child, but it’s important to let her know that there’s nothing shameful or abnormal about sexually stimulating herself. By this age, your child should be long past touching herself in public, but both boys and girls may continue to masturbate in private, some of them quite often. Your child may feel guilty about this unless you reassure her that it’s not only normal but healthy to have sexual feelings, and that everyone masturbates, though they may not talk about it.
How can I find out what my child is learning from friends, school, and the media?
By being as inquisitive as you can, without tipping off your child that you’re snooping — at this age, kids absolutely don’t want to feel that their parents are looking over their shoulder. At school, ask the teachers exactly what they’re teaching at each grade level. (When and how do they discuss the reproductive system, sexually transmitted diseases, sexual harassment, and so on?) If they use textbooks or handouts, read them yourself.
You probably worry about what comes at your child on the Internet, but watch her television shows, too. Pick up the magazines she’s looking at. Be aware of what registers at her eye level on magazine stands, particularly the ones that hold adults-only publications. If you can stand it, listen to your child’s favorite radio stations for a while. You’ll probably see that from school age on, kids are inundated with sexual references — most of them sniggering, disrespectful, or misleading. The more you know about what your child is seeing and hearing about sex from other sources, the better equipped you are to make sure she knows what you want to tell her.
Does my child need to know about condoms and sexually transmitted diseases before she’s reached puberty?
Unfortunately, she probably does. She’s likely to be hearing or reading references to AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases in the news and from her schoolmates; if you live in an urban area, she’ll notice all the billboards and ads on the sides of buses invoking the importance of “safe sex.” You might as well make sure she’s getting information that’s accurate and no more scary than it has to be. And answering her questions matter-of-factly is one more way of reassuring her that she can trust you to discuss sex calmly with her.
Do I have to explain oral sex to my child when she’s this young?
If she’s 6 years old, no. But by the time kids are in fifth or sixth grade, “blow job” has likely become part of their vocabulary — we can thank the latest round of popular gross-out movies for that. So you’d be wise to prepare yourself for a question or conversation about oral sex, especially since it continues to be a fascinating and perplexing subject for kids in middle and high school. It’s not too early to start talking to your child about the important connections among sex, love, and responsibility. You may want to explain that kissing another person’s private parts is another way of having sex; that even though a girl can’t get pregnant this way, it’s possible to transmit dangerous diseases through oral sex; and that oral sex, just like the other kind, entails feeling love, commitment, and regard for the person with whom it’s performed.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
8 of the best books for couples who want to strengthen their relationship
Whether you want to work on your communication skills or understand your love languages, these are the best relationship books for couples.
Romantic relationships can be a source of unparalleled joy for couples, but nearly everyone who is or has been in a relationship can attest that they’re not always easy. Between varied communication styles, different love languages, and outside stressors, any relationship is likely to face challenging moments. Many people in relationships turn to therapists to help navigate through hard times or strengthen a relationship so it will last.
Relationship therapists use all kinds of practical tools to help couples. We spoke to two — Nawal Alomari, LCPC of Noor Psychology & Wellness, and Mychelle Williams, LPC, NCC of Therapy To A Tea — to find what books they recommend most to couples in counseling.
From practical workbooks to insightful self-help books, here are the eight best relationship books for couples, according to two relationship therapists.
The 8 best relationship books for couples in 2022:
A radical relationship book about healthy communication skills
“This is the number one book I recommend,” says Alomari, who helps couples in any phase of a relationship, whether it’s a new relationship or marriage, a transitional period, or a couple that’s in a stable relationship and wants to continue with healthy communication.
“It teaches couples that ‘violent communication’ is communication that pushes the couple to have conflict. Using phrases like ‘you always’ or ‘you never,’ not using ‘I feel’ statements, not finding productive ways to find solutions together causes conflict in the relationship,” explains Alomari, “and this book gives really good examples of how different forms of communication can either help or hinder the relationship.”
Alomari directs couples to look at the communication examples in the book and focus on what they do individually that isn’t helping and offer solutions from the book that could. “That way, they’re taking ownership of their own role instead of pointing out what the other person is doing that’s upsetting them.”
A bestselling relationship book about the differences in how we express love
“The 5 Love Languages” is a popular self-help relationship book that outlines the five ways people give and receive love. The author demonstrates how learning to love our partner(s) in their love language can help them feel loved, whether that is through words of affirmation, acts of service, touch, quality time, or receiving gifts.
“I recommend this book because we tend to show love the way we want love,” says Alomari. “Then we can work on showing love in their partner’s love language so the effort isn’t overlooked.”
A self-help book about balancing different attachment styles
“Hold Me Tight” focuses on attachment-style emotion therapy and Alomari recommends it because it explains how couples can create a safe attachment in their relationship through a blend of independence and dependence that feels more secure.
“I recommend this book when there are two different levels of attachment in a relationship, such as when one person is avoidant and one person is more anxiously attached,” says Alomari. “This book can help us identify and name our attachment style and learn how to balance it out.”
A relationship workbook to complete before marriage
Even though this workbook was designed for engaged couples, Alomari recommends it to many couples to help get back to basics. “I give it to everybody because it talks about the most basic things in a relationship like who handles finances, how does the couple divide chores, how do you plan on sharing responsibility for the dog?”
Alomari, who’s also used this with couples who’ve been married for years, adds that “it gets into deeper topics as well such as emotional support, what does family time look like to you, and how many date nights do you want a week.”
A relationship book geared towards polyamory and consensual nonmonogamy
“Polysecure” recognizes that most studies of attachment styles focus on monogamous relationships but Jessica Fern, a polyamorous psychotherapist, extends our understanding of attachment, trauma, and emotional experiences into the world of consensual nonmonogamy.
“I recommend this book for all relationships, no matter the dynamic, because it allows us to get curious and intentional about why we are choosing the relationship style we’re choosing whether it be monogamy, ethical nonmonogamy, or anything in between,” says Williams, whose relationship counseling focuses on enhancing boundaries, understanding, connection, and intimacy for queer and trans BIPOC.
They like this book because it gives people in relationships the “opportunity to find specific language around boundaries, expectations, and influences as to why we are choosing a relationship style and how we can be ethical and responsible.”
A book for everyone to understand how their emotions impact their relationships
Polyvagal Theory focuses on the function of our vagus nerve and its connection between emotional regulation, social connection, and our fear response in our nervous system. In “Anchored,” Deb Dana explores how we can tune into our nervous system in order to better understand and ultimately control our responses to our environment and those around us who we may be negatively affecting.
“I start all my couples work with this book because our nervous system takes in information and processes it in a way that we don’t and can’t consciously see but it affects us all day,” says Williams. “I recommend couples read this book because it gives them a chance both individually and together to recognize the condition of their nervous system. It allows them to access strategies and tools to self-soothe and regulate but also to co-regulate with each other and the community in a way that’s affirming. . . and eye-opening to ways they may have learned how to survive but have been maladapted and negatively impacting themselves and their relationship.”
A book to help couples civilly navigate breakups and divorce
“Initially, people might recommend this book for relationships going through a breakup or divorce, but I recommend couples get into this book is because it allows people in a relationship a chance to think about how things they’ve gotten disconnected from, things that have changed and how it’s affected them,” says Williams.
“Conscious Uncoupling” breaks down breaking up into five steps including “Finding Emotional Freedom” and “Become a Love Alchemist.” Though it initially seems counterintuitive to the growth of a healthy relationship, Williams recommends this book because “it allows the couple to once again be curious and intentional about their personal care and individuality and also how they can be in loving and respectful relationship no matter the challenge.”
A classic, insightful book about love and relationships
In “All About Love”, bell hooks explores love in different facets of society and the ways we’ve entangled and divided love with other acts or feelings in a way that has caused division and suffering. Williams recommends “All About Love” because “bell hooks creates a working definition for what love is and separates it from ‘care.'”
“In my couples’ work, I’ve found that oftentimes only one person is able to connect to this book and the other is feeling defensive about what is described because it causes them to question what they’ve learned is love,” says Williams. “It creates a dynamic conversation around what love can look like and what the expectations are.”
“If a couple is struggling to process their own issues, bell hooks provides a lot of examples in this book and through those examples, they can start talking about where they stand on different topics, issues, or concerns and how those opinions are impacting the relationship.”
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
How Does Sex Therapy Rescue Your Love Life?
It is not a great topic to reveal that many people suffer from various sexual issues. Sex is an important aspect of people’s lives, and dealing with it may be challenging at times.
There are a variety of sexual disorders that make it difficult for people to connect with others. Certain sexual dysfunctions can disrupt relationships and negatively impact an individual’s overall happiness.
Many sexual problems are linked to mental health problems. Some of these challenges will be physical, but knowing how to approach things differently from a mental perspective can help improve the situation. If you’re concerned about your sexual life, a sex therapist may be able to help.
Understanding Sex Therapy
Sex therapy is a form of counseling in which couples or individuals can talk to a mental health professional like a sex therapist, marriage and family counselor, social worker, psychologist, or healthcare practitioner about their sexual health difficulties.
Practitioners of sex therapy aim to assist their clients in identifying and treating issues relating to their sexual health and dysfunction. Contemporary sex therapy tends to stress a few different directions:
• Being mindful (being aware of your thoughts, feelings, sensations, and emotions)
• Psychotherapy (using talk therapy, not just medication)
• Inclusiveness (adapting sex therapy to be more inclusive of different sexualities)
• Couples-oriented (looking at the role of partners, not just the individual)
• Attitude-shifting (changing an individual’s perception of sex)
How does a Sex Therapist Improve Your Life?
There are a variety of issues that counseling may assist with. Many sexual disorders are resolved with the proper use of therapy, and people will move on toward a more fulfilling sexual life.
Sex is an important aspect of people’s lives, and dealing with it may be challenging at times. There are a variety of sexual disorders that make it difficult for people to connect with others. Certain sexual dysfunctions can disrupt relationships and negatively impact an individual’s overall happiness. These include:
1- Problem With Sexual Arousal
Many people seek sex therapy because they are experiencing sexual arousal issues. For people in committed relationships, sexual arousal disorders may be quite challenging, and it might be frustrating not to perform sexually for someone you care deeply about.
A sex therapist can assist with male erectile dysfunction or female painful intercourse problems. Collaboration with a sex therapist is an effective strategy for figuring out what’s causing these issues. A person’s ability to experience arousal is frequently affected by a condition.
2- Conflicted About the Relationship
A partner who is suffering sexual dissatisfaction is a common example. In this case, it’s best to go to counseling on your own first to understand yourself and your sexual concerns better, then invite your partner in.
3- Lack of Desire
A person who is suffering sexual boredom is a frequent example. In this instance, it’s best to go to counseling on your own to understand yourself better and your sexual difficulties, then bring your partner in.
4- Lack of Motivation
An increasingly frequent condition happens when people lack interest in sexual fantasies or behavior and suffer pain or relationship troubles. Treatment entails several steps.
Therapists help clients recognize negative attitudes toward sex, investigate the causes of such attitudes, and develop new perspectives on sex. Clients may be asked to keep journals of their sexual thoughts, view romantic videos, or construct fantasies when the focus switches to conduct.
Therapists also address any relationship problems.
5- Traumatic Sexual Experiences From The Past
Patients benefit significantly from sex therapists’ ability to help them come to terms with prior sexual events that may be affecting their sexual desire or performance.
Sex therapists have expertise in working with rape and sexual assault victims. It can be a difficult journey, but various therapeutic strategies can help. It will take time to talk about the issues and re-establish your comfort level.
6- Intimacy Issues
Another prevalent sexual condition that prevents people from getting close to one another is intimacy difficulties. During sexual intercourse, some people seek an intimate sexual engagement yet have difficulties doing it. Many people are ashamed of getting intimate with another person to avoid having sexual relations altogether. It can make the individual with whom they interact feel incompetent, resulting in general discontent.
A qualified therapist may help persons with physical difficulties and other concerns interfering with intimacy between two adults in a relationship. It may include individual treatment and also couples counseling.
Maintaining a deep and emotionally intimate sexual connection with one’s partner as the relationship progresses and changes may be a big issue for certain relationships. However, with the right treatment and skilled sex therapists, some sexual issues are quickly resolved.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
1- What does a sex therapist deal with?
Generally, sex therapists listen to concerns and offer therapy and instruction. They assess if the issue is psychological, physical, or both. They also collaborate with other medical and surgical experts to treat the medical causes of sexual problems.
2- What are the four critical principles of sex therapy?
The new sex therapy’s basic foundations include:
• A solid understanding of physiology, endocrinology, and metabolic function.
• Psychotherapy should be used only when organic factors have been excluded or identified
• Treatment of couples as a unit by dual-sex therapy teams,
• An intensive short-term program
3- Is sex therapy regulated?
Sex therapy requires no additional regulation since the language of the existing practices acts in marriage and family counseling and psychology cover most of the activities now constituting sex therapy and thereby limit the practice to licensed counselors.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
What to know about epilepsy and sex
Some people with epilepsy may find it impacts their sex life. This may be due to physical changes from the condition, medications, or emotional issues around epilepsy and sex.
by Beth Sissons
Certain types of epilepsy may cause changes in the brain that impact sexual desire and arousal.
Some epilepsy medications may affect sex drive or hormone levels which can also impact sex. Some people may find that anxiety around having a seizure during sex also affects their sex life.
This article looks at how epilepsy can affect sex and how to get help.
Epilepsy is a brain disorder that causes people to have recurring seizures.
Abnormal electrical activity in the brain can cause involuntary movements, unusual sensations, and sometimes a loss of consciousness.
There are two Trusted Source main types of seizures:
- focal or partial seizures, which affect one area of the brain
- generalized seizures, which affect both sides of the brain
Many people with epilepsy will find it has no impact on their sex life.
However, other people may find that epilepsy does affect their sex life, which may be due to:
- side effects of epilepsy medications
- changes in the brain that may affect sexual arousal and desire
- changes in hormone levels, which may be due to medications or brain changes
- fear or anxiety around epilepsy and sex, such as concern about having a seizure during sex
Epilepsy medications, physical changes in the brain, and hormone levels may all impact sex.
Worrying about epilepsy could also impact a person’s sex life.
Medication
Some antiepileptic drugs may alter hormone levels and change how the body processes them.
Side effects of antiepileptic drugs that may impact sex include:
- less interest in sex
- difficulty becoming aroused
- tiredness
- disrupted sleep
- feeling tense or depressed
Some medications may lower testosterone, which could lead to sexual problems in males.
Fear and anxiety
Emotional factors can impact how people feel about sex. If epilepsy is causing emotional issues, such as making people feel low, anxious, or vulnerable, it may impact a person’s sex life.
People may also worry about having a seizure during sex. Having a seizure during sex is unlikely, but discussing any worries with a partner may help to ease fears.
Letting a partner know about seizure first aid and preparing them for the possibility of a seizure may alleviate some anxiety.
A seizure can also impact someone emotionally — they may feel upset, fragile, or tired after experiencing a seizure.
Changes in the brain
Certain areas of the cerebral cortex, particularly the frontal and temporal lobes, affect sexual desire.
People with complex partial seizures may be more likely to experience problems with sexual desire, especially if the seizures begin in the temporal lobe.
Seizures that begin in the temporal lobe may also affect sex hormones and reduce sex drive.
Physical changes
Physical changes that can occur due to epilepsy may include:
- disruption to areas of the brain controlling sexual function
- temporal lobe epilepsy may make it more difficult for people to get and maintain an erection
- changes in hormone levels that relate to sexual desire and arousal
People may find talking about any concerns with a partner helps ease any anxiety or fears and helps each person know what to do in case of a seizure.
Talking with a healthcare professional may also help — people can discuss any side effects of medications and any emotional issues.
Talking with a doctor
People can discuss any medications they are taking with a doctor, and whether they are causing any side effects that could be impacting sex.
A doctor may be able to alter dosages or suggest an alternative medication to combat side effects.
Finding a therapist
People may find it helpful to talk with a counselor or therapist about any concerns they have around epilepsy and sex. People may want to do this individually or with a partner.
Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) may help reduce feelings of anxiety, anger, or depression in people with epilepsy.
People can ask their doctor for CBT recommendations or search via the National Association of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapists.
Talking with partners
Some people may worry about having sexual activity alone or with partners in case they have a seizure.
Although people may find it difficult to talk about, discussing any concerns with a sexual partner or partners may help.
If people need help talking with partners about epilepsy, they may want to consider relationship or couples counseling.
It may help a person to know seizure first aid if their partner has epilepsy.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC)Trusted Source, not all seizures require medical attention.
A person should only call 911 if:
- the person has not had a seizure before
- the person has a health condition such as diabetes
- the person is pregnant
- the seizure lasts for more than 5 minutes
- the person sustains an injury during a seizure
- the seizure happens in water
- another seizure happens soon after the first
- the person has difficulty walking or breathing after the seizure
If the above instances do not apply, a person can help a person having a seizure by:
- checking the person for any medical bracelets or other emergency information
- staying with the person during the seizure until it ends and they are fully conscious
- keeping themselves and everyone else calm
- easing them to the floor gently
- placing something soft under their head, such as a pillow or folded jacket
- removing any eyeglasses and loosening anything around their neck
- not placing anything in their mouth, as a person cannot swallow their tongue during a seizure
When the seizure has stopped, a person should take them to a safe and comfortable place.
Once the person is awake and conscious, someone should explain in calm and simple terms what has happened.
This section answers some common questions about epilepsy and sex.
Can I masturbate if I have epilepsy?
There is no evidence to suggest that masturbation will cause seizures unless it is a personal trigger for people.
Can having sex trigger seizures?
According to the Epilepsy Foundation, few people with epilepsy report having a seizure during sex.
If physical activity, fast breathing, or excitement trigger seizures in people, they may have concerns about having seizures during sex.
However, sex is unlikely to trigger a seizure for most people.
Are orgasms good for epilepsy?
According to an older 2015 studyTrusted Source, it is uncommon for orgasms to trigger seizures. In rare cases, orgasm may trigger seizures in people with reflex epilepsy.
Stress can be a trigger for seizures in some people with epilepsy. Anxiety and depression can also worsen stress and may lead to further seizures.
Sexual activity may help to reduce anxiety and depression and may have a protective effect against mood disorders and relationship issues.
What to do if your partner has epilepsy?
If a person’s partner has epilepsy, it may help both people to talk about epilepsy and how it may impact sex.
This may help to ease any fears a person might have.
People can also make sure they know how to practice seizure first aid.
Some people with epilepsy may find the condition impacts their sex life. This may be due to medications, changes in the brain, or anxiety around epilepsy and sex.
Many people will find that sex does not trigger seizures, but if people have any concerns, they may want to talk with their partner. Therapy or counseling may also help.
People can discuss any medications they are taking with their doctor to check if that could be impacting sex in any way.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Low Sex Drive?
It’s Not You, It’s the “Sex Recession”
Why desire and hookups are trending downward and what we can do about it
By Sarah Laing
There’s a recession afoot. Not the looming financial one that rising inflation and a bear market seem to grimly foretell, but another one that’s even more obvious to anyone who’s in a monogamous relationship with a vibrator named Bunny, or whose most exciting recent sexual encounter was watching Normal People back in the first lockdown.
We are, apparently, in the midst of a “sex recession.”
It’s been brewing for a while. The advent of dating apps, a seeming lifting of many taboos and the sheer convenience of hooking up in the era of DMs and Snapchat make it seem as though sex should be at an all-time high. But as early as 2018, young people were having less sex than any generation before them, according to writer Kate Julian’s research for her 2018 story in The Atlantic that coined the term. Then, people in their early 20s were 2.5 times more likely to be abstinent than Gen X-ers at a similar age, according to psychology professor Jean M. Twinge’s research, and older adults’ intercourse index was also in the red, with the average adult in 2014 having sex 54 times a year, down from 62 in the late 1990s.
That was before social distancing put an effective stop to in-person meet cutes, and we all spent two years in a groundhog day of our pre-existing sexual and romantic circumstances. There was a vague hopefulness that there might be a sexual silver lining to COVID—shacked-up couples would grow more intimate after all that one-on-one time, or dating would be “better” after all that alleged personal growth we’d been through. But, alas, the research indicates the pandemic may have accelerated the downward trend. A Kinsey Institute study found that 75 per cent of co-habitating couples reported their sex life “declined” during the 2020 quarantine. As for singles, a February 2022 survey by the Pew Research Center found 64 per cent said dating has gotten harder, and 56 per cent said it wasn’t worth it and that they’re off the dating market, up 6 per cent from 2019. This will come as no surprise to anyone who suffered through the supreme awkwardness of a video first date.
75 per cent of co-habitating couples reported their sex life “declined” during the 2020 quarantine.
“There’s been a lot of stress, loss and grief during this time,” says Shan Boodram, an intimacy educator and podcaster. “Many people have been forced into self-isolation and had a lot of time to think about their desired outcomes when it comes to sex and dating. People aren’t rushing and see value in taking the time to be careful and figure out what they want from potential partners.” Boodram is dating app Bumble’s resident sex and relationship expert, and she points to its recent stats showing that 40 per cent of Canadians have “changed their approach to sex in the last year,” with 17 per cent indicating that means adding in more steps to screen sexual partners. (Vaccine passports: Not just for restaurants, it would seem.)
“‘Social distancing’ was the consistent slogan for the past two years; we were encouraged to keep a tight social circle, and we were told that being around new people could put the ones that are closest to us in danger. It’s apparent why many people aren’t racing into new sexual experiences,” says Boodram. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, she notes. “This reluctance may not come out of fear but out of empowerment. People are more intentional about their romantic lives, and we’re even finding that people have become comfortable being on their own.”
The sex recession may also be attributable to something much bigger at play, especially if you’re in a heterosexual relationship. “Women partnered with men often have lower desire to be sexual with their men partners because of the ways heteronormativity pushes them and their men partners into a set of roles, cognitions and behaviours that are harmful and/or undermine the women’s desire,” says Dr. Sari Van Anders. She’s a professor of psychology, gender science and neuroscience at Queen’s University, and lead author of a recent paper about “the heteronormativity theory of low desire.”
Basically: The patriarchy is killing the vibe. Gender inequality’s consequences—women bear the the burden of housework, childcare and emotional labour; norms around men being the ones to initiate sex—make it much harder for a woman in a relationship with a man to desire sex with him. That’s not to say they’re not having sex, though, because as Van Anders points out, “people can have sex they don’t want, and want sex they’re not having.”
Sex can feel like “a job requirement” for a woman in relationship with a man.
One of the key gender norms the study points to is how “we are all taught to see sex as something men do to women, and/or something women do to please men.” This affects how sex gets initiated between a man and a woman. “Women are taught to respond to men’s sexual initiations but not to initiate sex themselves, and are often punished or stigmatized when they don’t follow these ‘rules,’” Van Anders says. “Think [of the] pejorative usages of ‘slut’ or ‘frigid.’” Sex can feel like “a job requirement” for a woman in a relationship with a man.
Note that the focus here is on heteronormativity, not heterosexual men, “because it’s about how that system impacts us all,” clarifies Van Anders. “Neither heterosexual men nor heterosexuality are problems. Heteronormativity and the costs it places especially on women are the issue.” She adds that “there are also costs for men, not least in having women partners who often don’t want to be sexual with them.”
Like Boodram, Van Anders emphasizes that having low or no sexual desire “is and can be an unproblematic part of people’s existences” despite the way society often pathologizes it. “It’s like, ‘How do we get these women to do more of the sex their men partners want!?’” she says. “Almost none of this concern is about, for example, women’s desire to masturbate. It’s all in the context of having low desire to have sex with men, which is telling!”
It is a problem, however, when low desire is a symptom of structural inequality. Van Anders and her co-authors have some suggestions for this—and they come in the form of tips for men who want to be sexual with women. First, pay attention to gender inequities in household labour. Second, don’t put your partner “in a position where they have to be your mother.” (Think: picking up your socks, remembering important appointments.) Third, do your part in supporting women to be “full humans,” and not just “sexy, good times.” Fourth, put her “sexual pleasure and agency front and centre.”
If you’re not sure where to start with prioritizing your own sexual pleasure and agency, it’s time to do some reflecting. “Take stock of your whole life today and see how you feel about it. Now, envision your life where sex plays more of a role in your experience—how does that vision make you feel?” Boodram suggests. “If it excites you, look for the next natural step to getting there. Maybe that’s masturbation; perhaps that’s simply downloading Bumble and leaving it at that. However, if you don’t feel ready to explore connections that may lead to a new sexual partner, that’s completely okay! Take all the time you need, and when you’re ready to experiment with sexual activities again, you’ll feel it.”
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
You must be logged in to post a comment.