Month: May 2021

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Sex Is Different When You’re a Highly Sensitive Person

— Here’s How

by Sarah Lempa

For starters, even feather-light touch hits differently when you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP).

Powerful physical sensations, plus a need for deep concentration and actual connection, are often hallmarks of intimacy for HSPs.

Here’s the deal: An HSP’s nervous system processes external stimuli much deeper than others.

Scientifically named sensory processing sensitivity (SPS), it’s a completely normal genetic trait brought to light by clinical psychologist Elaine Aron in the ‘90s.

Personally, I like to say it turns up the volume of life: emotions, physical touch, sense of smell, you name it.

And, yeah, it sounds fancy and all, but we’re really not uncommon. According to Aron, HSPs make up about 15 to 20 percent of the world’s population.

Of course, high sensitivity isn’t a sole determinant of one’s sexual experiences.

The HSP experience varies so much from person to person, and it’s often dependent on a number of different factors.

These takeaways are based on my own experiences as an HSP.

Trust is a big deal, and having an actual connection is integral. I can’t speak for every sensitive soul out there, but I need to feel both physical and mental attraction to really get into intimacy.

Without it, sex feels incredibly pointless — more like some bizarre type of disconnected, yet mutual, masturbation than an experience of embodied pleasure. Hard pass.

After some trial and error, I finally figured this out in my mid-twenties. Now, I’m just not down to be with anyone I don’t feel a connection with.

And, for that exact reason, I highly recommend keeping a vibrator (or two, or three, or, ya know, seven) nearby until someone you truly fancy saunters into your life.

We might get irrationally bothered over a scratchy clothing tag, but it’s made up for by the undulating waves of pleasure that douse our bodies during intimacy (when we’re with the right people — who can be hard to find).

“The heightened nervous system rewards HSPs with extremely powerful orgasms,” explains Megan Harrison, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder of Couples Candy.

“Particularly when slower and drawn-out sexual movements are made around erogenous zones with many nerve endings.”

Our physical pleasure is all in the details. So, that’s a resounding yes to starting slow, subtle, and with consent, as always. Delicate yet deliberate; I can’t think of a more winning combination.

The best sex, to us, is built up over time and ideally has a sprinkle of mystery. That’s not to say there isn’t room for daring adventures — it just takes the right combination and lead up.

Even outside the bedroom, HSP sexuality can be one hell of a force. Our inner worlds can whisk us to faraway places, sometimes delving into deliciously indulgent memories or fantasies for the future.

And, honestly, at this point I’m having a hard time concentrating on writing this section.

Deep pleasure takes a lot of concentration for us. Sometimes, little things can throw off our sensual groove, putting us into a fog of “now I’m not really feeling it.”

“HSPs can move from deeply engaged to disconnected at a moment’s notice,” Harrison explains. “A single rough touch or distracting noise can totally ruin the experience.”

A self-identified HSP, Harrison adds, “we’re so aware of external stimuli and emotions that managing the personal experience can become difficult with interruptions.”

RIP to that one brewing orgasm ruined by my partner’s dog jumping on the foot of the bed.

Lesson learned: Never underestimate the power of a really good sex playlist to minimize background distractions.

The HSP tendency to overthink is rife. Sex is no exception. Even in the most, uh, engaging situations.

Not only are we analyzing every fiber of our own sensations, we’re simultaneously trying to imagine how it’s all going from our partner’s perspective.

Emily Stone, PhD, LMFT, the founder and senior clinician at The Unstuck Group, knows it well. Stone says that HSPs sometimes have a “tendency to endure” in their relationships.

It’s not uncommon for us to neglect our own needs because we’re more so thinking about our partner’s experience, which can lead to getting lost in a sexual sea of thought.

When it all lines up right though, Stone says “an HSP’s gifts can bring delight, passion, and depth to the sexual experience in ways that no one else can.” Damn straight.

A good orgasm can send us into a buzzy haze of indulgence, and we might just devolve into a complete blob afterwards.

In “The Highly Sensitive Person in Love,” Aron explains that HSP folks might “find it difficult to go right back to normal life after sex.”

That’s because we’ve just gone through massive amounts of stimulation, and it’s probably all we’ll think about for at least the next hour or so.

That project you were working on? Yeah, probs not gonna happen anymore.

Open dialogue really is the golden ticket here, and it’s a two-way street.

While it’s taken me time to learn how to speak up about what I like and don’t like in the sheets, that assertion has helped my relationships greatly. It’s something we can all benefit from, regardless of where one falls on the sensitivity scale.

According to Shari Botwin, LCSW, a licensed therapist who’s worked with many HSPs, “non-HSPs need to be open to understanding their partner’s experience.”

“They need to be open to listening and communicating feelings before, during, and after intimacy,” she says.

You heard her: Don’t be shy.

The same goes for HSPs. It’s our responsibility to tell our partners what’s working and what isn’t — without worrying about upsetting them. Again, assert yourself. Your desires are worth it.

High sensitivity is a unique gift, and I’ll always see it that way.

It may take some extra self-discovery and communication to ensure your sexual needs are met. But, hey, what would any sex be without those two things? Nowhere near as good, that’s for sure.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What It Really Means to Have Sexual Chemistry with Someone

You can feel it. But can you define it? Learn how important sexual chemistry is to your relationship.

By Gabrielle Kassel

Sexual chemistry is one of those things that you know when you feel it. It’s that desire to (consensually) make out with or rip the skivvies off any James Dean lookalike that passes by. Or, that unexpected shock and surge that hits your senses when you brush arms with a the hottie sitting next to you on the subway.

But putting the all-consuming affliction into words proves challenging. (Seriously, could you define sexual chemistry right now if someone asked?) What is sexual chemistry, specifically, and what’s behind this magic, magnetic experience? Better yet, how necessary is it for a good and lasting relationship? Read on for a crib sheet on sexual chemistry, according to pros.

Sexual Chemistry, Defined

“Sexual chemistry is the very strong but ineffable feeling that you feel in your body when you’re attracted to someone,” says Zhana Vrangalova, Ph.D., professor of human sexuality at New York University and creator of Uncensored with Dr. Zhana, an online event series on sex and relationships.

Typically, this attraction is physical, but it can also be intellectual or emotional. Someone who is sapiosexual (meaning they’re first and foremost sexually and emotionally attracted to intelligent people), for example, might feel sexual chemistry with someone who they deem brainy or brilliant, explains Vranglova. On the other hand, someone who is greysexual and biromantic (meaning they rarely experience sexual attraction but have the potential to experience romantic inclinations toward people of two or more genders), might feel sexual chemistry with someone they want to wine and dine.

When you feel it, though, sexual chemistry is intense, says Vranglova. “It’s intoxicating, it’s distracting, and it can become all-consuming.” Psychologist and sex therapist Megan Fleming, Ph.D., resident expert with Love Honey agrees, adding that it can be, “electric,” “hypnotic,” and “irresistible.”

What Does Sexual Chemistry Feel Like?

Usually, you might register that you have sexual chemistry with someone because of the physical symptoms you experience when you see, feel, hear, think about, or smell the person. “Belly butterflies, dilated pupils, increased heart rate, spiked blood pressure, flushed skin, and perspiration are all common physical responses to feeling sexual chemistry with someone,” says Vranglova.

Sexual chemistry can also spur the symptoms you experience when you’re turned on, such as harder nipples, increased blood flow to the genitals, swollen and/or erect external genitals, and increased vaginal lubrication, she says.

What Causes Sexual Chemistry?

Unfortunately, there’s been very little scientific research exploring the causes of sexual chemistry. But Vranglova suspects it’s a combination of a few different things, including:

  • Biological factors: physical appearance, hormone levels, pheromones (chemical substances produced and released by animals, including humans, to stimulate other individuals of the same species)
  • Social factors: how similar someone looks to what you’ve been taught is attractive (via cultural beauty standards)
  • Developmental factors: whether someone reminds you of an earlier pleasurable experience or someone/something familiar or comforting

Is Sexual Chemistry Always Immediate?

While you might instantly feel sexual chemistry with someone — for example, the cutie who just walked into the restaurant, or the model you passed on the street — sexual chemistry can also develop over time, according to Vranglova.

Someone who is demisexual (meaning they only have the potential to experience sexual desire toward someone if an emotional relationship has been firmly established), might not experience sexual chemistry with someone until a year (or more!) into an emotionally tight relationship, she says. (Related: What’s the Deal with Asexuality?)

Other people — even if they don’t identify as demisexual — may not experience sexual chemistry with someone until further into their relationship. “Consider any couples you know who were best friends for 10 years before starting to date and have sex,” she says. “For these couples, the sexual chemistry was not instant, but built over time.”

Sexual Chemistry Can Be One-Sided

“It is absolutely possible for one person to feel like they have sexual chemistry with someone, and for that feeling not to be reciprocated,” says Vranglova. Which makes sense: Just because I get the tingles when I see Ruby Rose doesn’t mean she experiences the same sensation when she spots my author pic at the end of an article about lesbian sex.

If you’re curious whether someone you feel sexually and chemically drawn to feels the same toward you, Fleming suggests looking for hints such as sustained eye contact, shared laughter, lingering physical touch, and verbal flirts — or hey, just ask.

Yes, the best way to learn if the rush is reciprocal is to simply ask, says Jesse Kahn, L.C.S.W., C.S.T., director and sex therapist at The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in NYC. You might say, “I find myself feeling really sexually drawn to you. Are you experiencing something similar?” or, “I noticed that we both go out of the way to touch each other more than I do with my other friends. Have you noticed that, too? Are you interested in being more than friends? Or have I misread the situation?”

Is Sexual Chemistry Necessary for a Relationship?

The short answer is nope! “We can’t make generalizations like that for all relationships,” says Kahn. “There are many people for whom sex and sexual chemistry aren’t important ingredients in order to have a successful, stable, and loving relationship,” says Vranglova.

The better question is if sexual chemistry is a must for you in your relationship(s), says Kahn. And for the record: It’s totally valid if sex and sexual chemistry are important relationship components for you.

Some questions to ask yourself as you determine whether or not sexual chemistry is important for you in a relationship:

  1. What are my priorities in my relationship(s)?
  2. What role does partnered sex play in my life? How do I feel during, after, and before having it?
  3. In an ideal world, how often would I be having partnered sex?
  4. Do I need the sex I have to be with my romantic partner(s)? Can I see myself exploring an open relationship or polyamory?
  5. What are my favorite ways to explore intimacy?

It’s important to note that while sexual chemistry is an essential ingredient in a relationship for some, unless a relationship is strictly sexual, sexual chemistry alone is not sufficient for a lasting, happy, and supportive relationship, says Fleming. “For a relationship to be sustainable, we usually need for it to be built on more than just sexual chemistry,” she says. (You’ll need things like communication, trust, mutual respect, and shared values, just to name a few.)

Sexual Chemistry Can Be Cultivated… to An Extent

Can sexual chemistry be erected between two people who aren’t even a little attracted to each other? Eh, probably not. But because we’re defining sexual chemistry as a feeling of attraction for someone that can be either instant or cultivated over time, it is possible to foster more sexual chemistry. Here’s how.

1. Be emotionally vulnerable.

“Self-disclosure can enhance physical attraction,” says Fleming. Sharing #deep info with your partner about your childhood, career aspirations, insecurities, and inner-most thoughts can promote a feeling of closeness that can foster greater intimacy — especially when the other person reciprocates, she says.

2. Let yourself fall in love.

Can you fall in love with someone with whom the sexual chemistry is just “meh” with? Actually, yes. “There’s a belief that first comes good sex, then comes good love, but that doesn’t have to be the order of things,” says Fleming.

3. Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Specifically, about sex! If there’s one thing that’s guaranteed to make sex better, it’s talking about it. Throughout sexual play invite your partner to share their preferences, and unabashedly share yours. You might say:

  • “Ooh it feels so good when you [X]. Can you keep doing that?”
  • “Keep doing that!!”
  • “I’m not feeling ready for penetration yet, can we start with a little 69-ing?”
  • “I love the way it felt when you tasted me while teasing my ass last time… are you up for doing that again?”
  • “Can we add a little more lube.”

The takeaway? You can’t force sexual chemistry, especially if the other person isn’t into it. But before you write off a new app match, potential suitor, or friend because “the sexual chemistry just isn’t there,” give it a sec — there’s more to it than instant attraction, and the way it can build just might surprise you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Forgotten History of the World’s First Trans Clinic

The Institute for Sexual Research in Berlin would be a century old if it hadn’t fallen victim to Nazi ideology

Magnus Hirschfeld, right, and his protege and partner Li Shiu Tong, left, at the Fourth Congress of the World League for Sexual Reform, 1932.

By Brandy Schillace

The first gender affirmation surgeries took place in 1920s, at a facility which employed transgender technicians and nurses, and which was headed by a gay Jewish man. The forgotten history of the institute, and its fall to Nazis bent on the euthanasia of homosexuals and transgender people, offers us both hope—and a cautionary tale—in the face of oppressive anti-trans legislation in the United States.

This story begins late one night in Berlin, on the cusp of the 20th century. Magnus Hirschfeld, a young doctor recently finished with his military service, found a German soldier on his doorstep. Distraught and agitated, the young man had come to confess himself an urning, a word used in Germany to refer to homosexual men. It explained the cover of darkness; to speak of such things was dangerous business. The infamous “Paragraph 175” in the German criminal code made homosexuality illegal; a man so accused could be stripped of his ranks and titles and imprisoned.

Hirschfeld understood the soldier’s plight; he was, himself, both homosexual and Jewish. He had toured Europe, watched the unfolding trial against Oscar Wilde, and written an anonymous pamphlet asking why “the married man who seduces the governess” remains free, while homosexual men in loving and consensual relationships—men like Oscar Wilde—were imprisoned. Hirschfeld did his best to comfort the man, but upon leaving his doctor, the soldier shot himself. It was the eve of his wedding, an event he could not face.

The soldier bequeathed his private papers to Hirschfeld, along with a letter: “the thought that you could contribute to [a future] when the German fatherland will think of us in more just terms,” he wrote, “sweetens the hour of death.” Hirschfeld would be forever haunted by this needless loss; the soldier had called himself a “curse,” fit only to die, because the expectations of heterosexual norms, reinforced by marriage and law, made no room for his kind. These heartbreaking stories, Hirschfeld wrote, “bring before us the whole tragedy [in Germany]; what fatherland did they have, and for what freedom were they fighting?” In the aftermath of this lonely death, Hirschfeld left his practice to specialize in sexual health, and began a crusade for justice that would alter the course of queer history.

Hirschfeld called his specialty “sexual intermediaries.” Included beneath this umbrella were what he considered “situational” and “constitutional” homosexuals—a recognition that there is often a spectrum and bisexual practice—as well as what he termed “transvestites.” This group did include those who wished to wear the clothes of the opposite sex, but also those who “from the point of view of their character,” should be considered as the opposite sex.

One soldier with whom Hirschfeld had worked described wearing women’s clothing as the chance “to be a human at least for a moment.” He likewise recognized that these people could be either homosexual or heterosexual, something that is still misunderstood about transgender people today. Perhaps even more surprising was Hirschfeld’s inclusion of those with no fixed gender at all, akin to today’s concept of gender fluid or nonbinary identity (he counted French novelist George Sand among them). Most importantly for Hirschfeld, these men and women were acting “in accordance with their nature,” not against it.

If this seems like extremely forward thinking for the time, it was—possibly more forward thinking than our own. Current anti-trans sentiments center on the idea that transgender is both unnatural and new. In the wake of a U.K. court decision limiting trans rights, an editorial in the Economist argued that other countries should follow suit, and an editorial in the Observer praised the court for resisting a “disturbing trend” of children receiving medical treatments as part of a gender transition. But history bears witness to the plurality of gender and sexuality; Hirschfeld considered Socrates, Michelangelo and Shakespeare to be sexual intermediaries; he considered himself (and his partner Karl Geise) to be the same. Hirschfeld’s own predecessor, Richard von Krafft-Ebing, had claimed in the 19th century that homosexuality was natural sexual variation—and Hirschfeld believed that a person was congenitally born that way.

This was no trend or fad, but a recognition that people may be born with a nature contrary to their assigned gender. And, in cases where the desire to live as the opposite sex was strong, Hirschfeld thought science ought to provide a means of transition. He purchased a Berlin villa in early 1919 and opened the Institut für Sexualwissenschaft (Institute for Sexual Research) on July 6. By 1930 it would perform the first modern gender affirmation surgeries in the world.

A PLACE OF SAFETY

A corner building with wings to either side, the institute was an architectural gem that blurred the line between professional and intimate living spaces. A journalist reported it could not “be a hospital,” for it was furnished, plush, and “full of life everywhere.” It’s stated purpose: to be a place of “research, teaching, healing, and refuge” that could “free the individual from physical ailments, psychological afflictions, and social deprivation.” Hirschfeld’s institute would also be a place of education. While in medical school, he’d experienced the trauma of watching as a gay man was paraded naked before the class, to be verbally abused as degenerate.

At his institute, Hirschfeld would instead provide sex education and health clinics, advice on contraception, and research on gender and sexuality, both anthropological and psychological. He worked tirelessly to try and overturn Paragraph 175, managed to get legally accepted “transvestite” identity cards for his patients, and worked to normalize and legitimize homosexual and transitioning individuals. The grounds also included room for offices given over to feminist activists, as well as a printing house for sex reform journals meant to dispel myths about sexuality. “Love,” Hirschfeld said, “is as varied as people are.”

The institute would ultimately house an immense library on sexuality, gathered over many years and including rare books and diagrams and protocols for male-to-female (MTF) surgical transition. In addition to psychiatrists for therapy, he had had hired Ludwig Levy-Lenz, a gynecologist, and surgeon Erwin Gohrbandt. Together, they performed male-to-female surgery called genitalumwandlung—literally, “transformation of genitals.” This occurred in stages: castration, penectomy and vaginoplasty. (The Institute only treated men at this time; female-to-male phalloplasty would not be practiced until 1949 by plastic surgeon Sir Harold Gillies). Importantly, patients would also be prescribed hormone therapy, allowing them to grow natural breasts and softer features.”

Their groundbreaking studies, meticulously documented, drew international attention—and international patients, as well. Rights and recognition did not immediately follow, however. After surgery, some transwomen had difficulty getting work to support themselves, and as a result, five became nurses at the institute itself. In this way, Hirschfeld sought to provide a safe space for those whose altered bodies differed from the gender they were assigned at birth—including, at times, protection from the law.

LIVES WORTH LIVING

That such an institute existed as early as 1919, recognizing the plurality of gender identity and offering support, even through affirming surgery, comes as a surprise to many. It should have been the bedrock on which to build a bolder future. But as the institute celebrated its first decade, the Nazi party was already on the rise. By 1932, it was the largest political party in Germany, holding more parliamentary seats, and growing its numbers through a nationalism that targeted the immigrant, the disabled, the “genetically unfit.” Weakened by economic crisis and without a majority, the Weimer Republic would collapse. Hitler was named chancellor on January 30, 1933 and would enact policies to rid Germany of lebensunwertes Leben; that is, “lives unworthy of living.” What began as a sterilization program ultimately led to the extermination of  millions of Jews, “Gypsies,” Soviet and Polish citizens—and homosexuals and transgender people. The Nazis came for the Institute on May 10, 1933. Hirschfeld was out of the country. Karl Geise fled with what he could carry; everything else would perish by fire.

The carnage would flicker over German newsreels, the first (but by no means last) of the Nazi book burnings. Troops swarmed the building, carrying off a bronze bust of Hirschfeld and all of his precious books. Nazi youth, women, and soldiers took part, the footage and its voiceover declaring the German state had committed “the intellectual garbage of the past” to the flames. Soon, a tower-like bonfire engulfed more than 20,000 books, some of them rare copies that helped to provide a historiography for nonconforming peoples; they could never be replaced.

The Nazis also stole lists of clients, adding the names to “pink lists” from which to poach homosexuals for concentration camps. Levy-Lenz, who like Hirschfeld was Jewish, fled Germany to escape execution—but in a dark twist, his colleague Erwin Gohrbrandt, with whom he had performed so many supportive operations, joined the Luftwaffe and would later contribute to grim experiments in the Dachau concentration camp. Hirschfeld’s likeness would be reproduced on Nazi propaganda as the worst of offenders, both Jewish and homosexual, all that the Nazis would stamp out in their bid to produce the perfect heteronormative Aryan race.

In the immediate aftermath of the Nazi raid, Karl Geise joined Hirschfeld and his protege Li Shiu Tong, a young medical student, in Paris. The three would continue living together as partners and colleagues with hopes of rebuilding the institute, until the growing threat of Nazi occupation once more required them to flee. Hirschfeld died of a sudden stroke in 1935 while still on the run. Giese committed suicide in 1938—and Hirschfeld’s protgege Li Shiu Tong would abandon his hopes of opening an institute in Hong Kong for a life of obscurity abroad. 

Their history had been effectively erased—so effectively, in fact, that though the newsreels still exist, and the pictures of the burning library are often reproduced, few know they feature the world’s first trans clinic. The Nazi ideal had been based upon white, cishet (that is, cisgender and heterosexual) masculinity masquerading as genetic superiority. Any who strayed were considered as depraved, immoral, worthy of death. What began as a project of “protecting” German youth and raising healthy families had been turned, under Hitler, into a mechanism for genocide.

A NOTE FOR THE FUTURE

The story of Hirschfeld’s institute at once inspires hope and pride for an LGBTQ+ history that might have been, and could still be. It simultaneously sounds a warning. Current legislation, and indeed calls even to separate trans children from supportive parents, bear striking resemblance to those terrible campaigns against so-labeled “aberrant” lives. Studies have shown that supportive hormone therapy, accessed at an early age, lowers rates of suicide among trans youth—but there are those who, counter to Hirschfeld, refuse to believe that trans identity is something you can be “born with.” Richard Dawkins was recently stripped of his “humanist of the year” award for comments comparing trans people to Rachel Dolezal, a civil rights activist who posed as a Black woman, as though gender transition was a kind of duplicity. His comments come on the heels of yet more legislation in Florida banning transgender athletes from participating in sports, and an Arkansas bill denying transgender children and teens supportive care.

The future doesn’t always guarantee social progress. Hirschfeld’s Institute for Sexual Research, with its trans-supportive community of care, ought to have provided a firm platform to build a future that indeed thought of “sexual intermediaries” in “more just terms.” But these pioneers and their heroic sacrifices help to provide a sense of hope—and of history—for LGBTQ+ communities worldwide. May we learn the lessons of history, because where we go from here is up to us.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why some straight men have sex with other men

Sexual encounters with men do not affect how these straight men perceive their identity.

By

Sexual identities and sexual behaviours don’t always match because sexuality is multidimensional. Many people recognize sexual fluidity, and some even identify as “mostly straight.”

Fewer people know that some men and women have same-sex encounters, yet nonetheless perceive themselves as exclusively straight. And these people are not necessarily “closeted” gays, lesbians or bisexuals.

When a closeted gay or bisexual man has sex with another man, he views that sex as reflecting his secret identity. He is not open about that identity, likely because he fears discrimination. When a straight man has sex with another man, however, he views himself as straight despite his sex with men.

In my book, Still Straight: Sexual Flexibility among White Men in Rural America, I investigate why some men who identify as straight have sex with other men. Large nationally representative surveys show that hundreds of thousands of straight American men — at least — have had sex with two or more other men. This finding represents a disconnect between identity and behaviour, and researchers from around the world – in the United States, Australia and the U.K. – have studied this topic.

It involves two related but separate issues: first, why men identify as straight if they have sex with other men, and second, why straight men would have sex with other men in the first place.

Skirting around cheating

As part of my research, I spoke with 60 straight men who have sex with other men, and specifically looked at men in rural areas and small towns. The majority of men I interviewed were primarily attracted to women, not men. So why would they have sex with other men?

My findings revealed several reasons as to why straight men have sex with other men. Several men explained that their marriages did not have as much sex as they wanted, and while they wanted to remain married, they also wanted to have more sex. Extramarital sex with men, to them, helped relieve their sexual needs without threatening their marriages.

Tom, a 59-year-old from Washington, explained: “I kind of think of it as, I’m married to a nun.” He continued: “For me, being romantic and emotional is more cheating than just having sex.” And Ryan, a 60-year-old from Illinois, felt similarly. He said: “Even when I have an encounter now, I’m not cheating on her. I wouldn’t give up her for that.”

These men felt as though extramarital sex with women would negatively affect their marriages, whereas extramarital sex with men was not as much of an issue. Most men had not told their wives about their extramarital sex, however.

Legs together in bed
Straight men who have sex with other men are not necessarily closeted, because they do genuinely see themselves as heterosexual.

Identities reflect sexual, nonsexual aspects of life

In order to answer why men would identify as straight despite having sex with other men, it’s important to know that sexual identities indicate how people perceive the sexual and nonsexual aspects of their lives. Connor, a 43-year-old from Oregon, noted:

“I think there’s a definite disconnect between gay and homosexual. There’s the homosexual community, which isn’t a community, there’s the homosexual proclivity, and then the gay community. It’s like you can be an athlete without being a jock. And you can be homosexual without being gay, or into all of it. It just becomes so politically charged now.”

The men I talked to identified as straight because they felt that this identity best reflected their romantic relationships with women, their connections to heterosexual communities or the way they understood their masculinity. Straight identification also, of course, meant that they avoided discrimination. They felt that sex with men was irrelevant to their identities given every other part of their lives.

Living in small towns and in more rural settings also shaped how the men perceived themselves. Larry, 37, from Wyoming explained: “I would say straight because that best suits our cultural norms around here.” Most of the men I talked to were happy with their lives and identities, and they did not want to identify as gay or bisexual — not when people asked them, and not to themselves.

It may come as a surprise, but internalized homophobia was not a major reason the men I spoke to identified as straight. Most supported equal legal rights for lesbians, gays and bisexuals. Other research also shows that, on average, straight men who have sex with men are not any more homophobic than other straight men. Additionally, while most men knew bisexual is a valid identity, they felt that bisexual did not describe their identity because they were only romantically interested in women.

Many factors beyond sexual attractions or behaviours shape sexual identification, including social contexts, romantic relationships and beliefs about masculinity and femininity, among others. Straight men who have sex with other men are not necessarily closeted, because they do genuinely see themselves as heterosexual.

Sexual encounters with men simply do not affect how they perceive their identity.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Five of the best sex podcasts for your aural pleasure

Sexual relationships are changing, and sex podcasts are breaking the mould. Here’s a quintet we like

By Nenseh Koneh

I still remember my sex ed class in high school. Every other week, my teacher would have us read from sexual health books that had last been signed out by students two decades prior. With graphic pictures of STIs surrounded by penis graffiti on the corner of each page, the books only showed the negatives aspects of sex, and touted abstinence as the best option.

Ten years on, things have, mercifully, changed. Whilst my sex education included dressing a banana with a condom, some organizations are now helping sex talk in the classroom to be geared towards consent culture, rather than merely “no means no”. But when it comes to pleasure, conversation has remained traditional. Despite the fact that roughly 75% of women cannot achieve orgasm through penetrative sex, and that many men enjoy prostate stimulation, for example, the media is still rife with how to guides that are completely focused on penis and vaginal penetration.

Fortunately, sex podcasts, in talking about real-life sex issues, are breaking the mould. From hearing Black queer femmes talk about navigating the world of sex to unfiltered stories about threesomes, cam girls and swingers, these are some of the best sex podcasts to look out for in 2021.

Inner Hoe Uprising

Inner Hoe Uprising is a podcast by a rotating group of four twentysomething Black queer people living in New York that is dedicated to sex, love and dating in different parts of the US. They talk about plenty of sex, but also how the Black experience varies from person to person. For example, one of their most recent guests talked about moving to Tucson, Arizona, and how he faced challenges in his personal life due to being in a predominantly white town.

There is also a current affairs segment called Fuck That, which brings awareness to issues pertaining to sex, love, gender and race, among others. Some of the most recent topics covered include the trans bills passed in Florida banning trans athletes, and the self-proclaimed “sexual addict” shooter involved in the Atlanta spa shootings.

Better In Bed

Love talking about sex but hate not having anyone to talk to about it? Better In Bed is a fun and informative podcast hosted by Sara Tang, a sex coach and educator. The podcast (and Tang’s career in general) was inspired by bad sexual education in school, and seeks to act as a corrective.

Tang talks about sexting, toys, BDSM and orgasmic meditations (which allows an orgasm by slowing down and becoming mindful of yourself, rather than rushing and over-focusing). Having trouble imagining it? Well, no worries – in one episode, Tang, with the help of YOLO coach Ying Han Cheng, demonstrates an orgasmic meditation live by performing actions on her clitoris. The practice is meant to be a calm and relaxing experience that channels your own pleasure, possibly changing your entire perspective on orgasms.

Along with a rotating guest list of other sex educators and friends, the show mixes personal experiences in with tips. Even if you think your sex life is satisfactory now, Tang’s podcast, which is well researched and full of surprises in every episode – will help you have more fun.

Sex with Strangers

If you love sex, culture and travel, this podcast will be right up your alley. Sex with Strangers is a traveling sex podcast hosted by Chris Sowa, who travels the world to talk to new “strangers” about sex in every episode. From a trans cam girl who grew up in a conservative US town to an Australian couple that has had threesomes with at least 22 women, no topic is off limits.

Sowa uses the cross-cultural element of his work to analyse what is on offer for the sexually curious in different places, from Icelanders joining in their country’s hook-up and BDSM culture, to the rope bondage and love hotels on offer in Japan.

Due to the pandemic, Sowa’s travel is currently limited, but he is still able to call in his international guests.

We Gotta Thing

Ever wanted to learn about swinger relationships, or secretly desired to be in one? We Gotta Thing, hosted by a married couple going by the names Mr and Mrs Jones, may help you break the ice on the topic. With 37 years of marriage under their belt, the couple talks about every aspect of their lifestyle, all while drinking cocktails. The couple shows us that more goes into “swinging” than people may perceive, including how to reject a couple you have no sexual desires for, how to address consent in a situation defined by blurred lines, or how to budget your newfound swinger sex lifestyle.

Esther Perel’s Where Should We Begin

Although this podcast has been around for quite some time – since 2017 – it was revolutionary for its time, and still is. Who else to look towards for advice about sex and relationships other than a psychotherapist?

In Where Should We Begin, Perel invites listeners to a therapy session between her and a new couple every episode, delving into some of the most taboo topics in relationships, and coming up with inventive ways to spice things up in the bedroom.

Perel, a therapist known for her motto of “fixing the sex first”, broaches topics with couples who have serially cheated on each other, trying to find the perfect balance of effort in an international long-distance relationship, and even a wife having sex with other women after years of frustration in her marriage and sex life. Perel does not hold back with her questions as she wants the couples to benefit from her services as much as possible.

The 50-minute podcast is well edited, with plenty of soundbites from the session and Perel’s additional take in between. She also offers guided questions for each episode that may make you play devil’s advocate and spike interest in something you might not have previously considered.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Pornography addiction is not real according to leading psychologists

— here’s when porn can be unhealthy

Porn addiction isn’t recognized by the American Psychological Association as a true “addiction.”

By Sanjana Gupta

  • Porn addiction is not a true “addiction” according to the American Psychological Association.
  • Social, cultural, and religious mores may lead some to view their pornography habits as addictive.
  • If watching porn disrupts or negatively impacts your daily life or relationships, seek therapy.

Viewing erotic content like porn and pornographic images is on the rise. In 2019, alone, one of the world’s leading porn sites, PornHub, received on average 115 million visits per day.

All that free, readily-accessible on screen erotic content has got some folks thinking they’re addicted to it. But is porn addiction real?

Is pornography addictive?

Pornography addiction is not recognized by the American Psychological Association (APA) as a mental health problem or disorder, like drug or alcohol addiction.

Moreover, according to the DSM-5 (Manual of Mental Disorders — the world’s authoritative guide on psychological disorders) pornography and sex addictions are not a psychological disorder. Some disorders the DSM-5 does recognize are addictions to gambling, alcohol, drugs, and most recently, online gaming.

The reason for this comes down to neurochemistry. While watching porn may activate similar pleasure circuits in the brain as, say, alcohol or heroine, most experts agree that doesn’t mean you can become addicted to watching porn in the same way.

That’s because addiction to substances, for example, not only activates your brain’s pleasure circuits, it actually changes your brain chemistry so that you can no longer release feel-good chemicals like dopamine as effectively without the help of the drug you’re addicted to.

And as far as researchers can tell, this is not the case for porn addiction. So what’s going on instead? The more likely scenario is that porn addiction is more closely related to a type of compulsive, obsessive, or habitual behavior than substance abuse or addiction.

In fact, people develop compulsive, obsessive, and habitual connections to many things in their lives, especially if those things alleviate anxiety or fulfill a sense of longing or loneliness.

There’s also the fact of the matter that — much like the rest of sexuality — enjoying erotic content is often done in secret and without context. In fact, most of the US has no or purposefully incorrect sexuality education — especially for young adults. This creates an environment for folks to misunderstand the erotic entertainment they are enjoying.

Therefore, what people refer to as porn addiction is essentially a conflict of values that’s leading you to think you’re addicted, says Nicole Prause, PhD, a neuroscientist who researches sexual psychophysiology and is a practicing psychologist at Happier Living.

For instance, a large 2020 study published by the APA found that people’s cultural, moral, or religious beliefs may lead them to believe they are addicted to pornography, even if they don’t actually watch a lot of porn.

“If you think you are struggling with pornography, it is most likely that you are actually struggling with a conflict of your own personal values around your sexual behaviors, and not really the porn itself,” says Prause.

How much porn is too much?

At what point does your pleasure from watching porn become problematic? There’s no clear answer to this because it varies from person-to-person, which makes it extremely difficult for researchers to know where to draw the line.

Moreover, Prause says people who struggle with their pornography viewing almost always have an underlying disorder — most commonly depression — that requires treatment.

“By promoting ‘pornography addiction,’ research-backed treatments are delayed while people continue to suffer,” says Prause.

Overall, what sex therapists see most often is a lack of other social and sexual connections and difficulties accessing other coping mechanisms.

How to stop watching porn, if you think you’re watching too much

If you feel like you’re watching too much, or if you’re neglecting your work, relationships, or responsibilities to watch porn, you can take steps to remedy this:

  • Understand the impact on your life: Be honest with yourself about how viewing pornography is affecting your life and address any negative consequences it is causing. If porn is affecting your relationship with your partner, having an open conversation about what you need more of in the relationship can help.
  • Sit with your fears about reducing your intake: The thought of watching less porn may pose a challenge because there is probably a reason — whether it’s an underlying medical condition or it’s the only time you grant yourself permission to experience physical pleasure — why you’re choosing to watch porn. Recognizing this reason and admitting why you’re scared to watch less porn can be an important step in the healing process.
  • Formulate an action plan: Make a plan to help you break out of old patterns and fill your life with more activities. This can include focusing more on other activities that give you pleasure such as hobbies, sports, and friendships.
  • Seek therapy: Seek help from a qualified sex therapist therapist or counselor. You can find one via the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. According to Prause, there is a research-backed form of therapy that can help if your porn habit is inconsistent with your values. Known as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), it involves helping you identify your values and live in a more meaningful manner that is consistent with your belief system.
  • Get screened for other mental health conditions: You should consider getting screened for other mental health conditions, like depression, so that you can get treatment if required. Extreme anger, frustration, or sadness, excessive worry or fear, or obsessive thoughts or behaviors are some signs that you may have a mental health condition. Organizations like Mental Health America provide screenings and diagnosis based on symptoms.

Insider’s takeaway

Researchers are divided on whether watching excessive amounts of porn is a psychological disorder, a product of repressive views about sexuality, or a manifestation of another mental health condition.

Watching porn, masturbating, and exploring your sexuality can in fact be beneficial to your sex life.

“Women report overwhelmingly positive effects from viewing pornography, primarily as a method of increasing their sexual drive for a partner or experiencing sexual pleasure. When couples view pornography together they tend to report a more satisfying sex life,” says Prause.

Nevertheless, if you feel like you’re watching too much porn, you should seek help from a qualified professional.

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How to talk to your doctor about sex and cancer

Sexual health is important for every adult — Here are tips for starting the conversation

By Sara Thompson

Sexual health is important for any adult’s well-being, but patients with cancer face a new set of challenges when it comes to sexuality. Laila S. Agrawal, M.D., breast cancer oncologist with Norton Cancer Institute, is spearheading efforts to develop a sexual health clinic at Norton Healthcare.

“The World Health Organization says that sexual health is fundamental to the overall health and well-being of individuals, couples and families, and that this is relevant throughout the individual’s lifespan, not only in reproductive years,” she said.

Cancer’s effects on sexual health

“When we are thinking about sexual health and sexual dysfunction, we look at the big picture,” Dr. Agrawal said. “So many domains affect the body’s sexual function. From hormonal changes, loss of sensation and mastectomies, to changes in body image and low libido, cancer patients face myriad symptoms and experiences.”

Sexual health is the third most common concern for cancer survivors, and issues are associated with poor quality of life and mood disorders. Yet, many doctors are reluctant to bring up the subject, or the cancer diagnosis takes precedence over every other aspect of the patient’s life.

“Sexual health issues caused by cancer and treatments do not magically disappear on their own,” Dr. Agrawal said. “The more I talked to my patients about this, the more I learned. This is a medical issue we need to address.”

How to talk to your doctor

Ask about sexual health and acknowledge its importance.

Despite being such a prevalent and important issue, it often is not discussed with physicians.

In a 2020 survey of over 400 cancer patients (most of them female), 87% of patients said cancer treatment impacted sexual function and/or desire, including pain with sex, body image distortion and the inability to achieve orgasm. Only 28% had been asked by a medical provider about sexual health, and female patients were less likely to be asked than male patients.

It’s normal to feel anxious about bringing up sex, sexual health and sexual function with your medical team. Your health care professionals care about you and your quality of life. They can help you or refer you to another professional who can.

Here are some ways to talk to your doctor about sexual health:

  • Prepare a statement for your doctor before your visit. It could be, “I have concerns about my sexual health,” or “I have symptoms I’d like to talk about.”
  • Be specific. For example, you can mention your level of interest in sex, or say if you have vaginal dryness or pain with sex.
  • Use resources. Magazine articles, stories from friends with similar issues or other related items can get the conversation going.

Self-reporting checklists

A number of checklists have been developed for use in cancer clinics. You can use these to self-assess and begin a conversation with your doctor. These are short surveys, typically beginning with a general question such as “Are you satisfied with your sexual function?”

What you can do right now

  • If you are having any sort of sexual issues related to your health conditions or treatments, make an appointment with your doctor. Use the tips above to start the conversation.
  • Communication is key, not just with your doctor, but your partner as well. Ask for what you need and share your feelings. Your partner may not be aware of changes you are experiencing.
  • Get creative with intimacy. Sex isn’t the only way to be close. Explore new ways to create intimacy with your partner.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Make Someone With a Foot Fetish Really Happy

Advice for beginners wondering about footjobs, the best angles for showing feet, and the mysterious allure of toe jewelry.

by Sofia Barrett-Ibarria

Have you ever thought of your feet as hot? If you’re like most people, you likely don’t even “think of your feet,” period… unless you’re seeing someone who thinks about feet a lot, and especially in terms of their hotness. If foot fetishes are new for you, your (hot?) feet might suddenly be on your mind more—and you might also be wondering what, exactly, your partner would like you to do with them.

Whether the foot fetishist in your life is a longtime partner or first-time hookup, there are lots of different things you can do with your feet to excite them. Here’s a guide to thrilling someone who’s into feet—specifically, yours.

What to do before you dip your toes into foot fetish play

Learn a little bit about common foot fetishes to reduce your chances of looking surprised or shocked when your partner lets you know what they’re into.

Foot fetishes comprise a broad spectrum of activities and aesthetic preferences. According to Mistress Justine Cross, a professional BDSM consultant and lifestyle dominatrix, the type of foot fetish play someone enjoys usually comes down to hygiene. “Foot fetishes can generally be broken down into two common categories: clean feet and dirty feet,” said Cross. This might overlap with preferences for big feet, small feet, high arches, or certain toe shapes—whether they’re long and thin, rounded and petite, or anything in between or beyond.

“This fetish is so varied that there’s no one-size-fits-all answer” about what gets foot fetishists off, said fetish content creator and producer Bella Vendetta. Some people incorporate feet into their sex life, while others might find feet sexy, but not necessarily want to directly use them for sexual stimulation. Your partner might be happy with just rubbing your bare feet with lotion or oil, admiring your feet in pantyhose, or watching you wiggle your toes while you’re both fully clothed.

Some of the most common things that might turn your partner on include smelling your feet, sucking the toes, or softly stroking and caressing them. Many foot fetishists enjoy feeling their partner’s feet on their face, whether it’s a gentle foot-on-face massage or “trampling,” a form of foot domination known in which one partner lies on the ground and while the other uses their feet to exert a more intense pressure on their face. Trampling can be one aspect of, as Cross explained, how foot fetishes may also intersect with a partner’s preferences around humiliation, physical domination, or other forms of BDSM.

Talk about involving your feet in sex like you’re excited to know more about your partner and try new things with them—because you are!

Your partner may have already told you about their foot fetish, or maybe you’ve noticed that they’re particularly interested in your feet during sex. In any case, “Let them know you’re open to that and that you don’t think it’s weird, and ask a lot of questions about what specifically turns them on,” Vendetta said. 

Even after you let your partner know you’re interested in experimenting, they might still be a little shy about discussing their foot fetish, especially if you’re in a new relationship or just getting to know each other. People are often hesitant to share sexual preferences that might be seen as unusual or deviant, but foot fetishes, in particular, are often uniquely misunderstood: Your partner may worry that you’ll be turned off or grossed out, that you’ll think there’s something wrong with them, or that you’ll reject them.

“Growing up, many of us are told, ‘Feet are dirty, they’re gross, don’t put your feet in my face,’ so that’s the automatic feeling many people get just because we’ve been taught that,” said foot fetish model Sweet Arches. “The best thing is just to drop all judgment and be completely open-minded,” she said, when someone’s telling you what they like about feet, even if it strikes you as unusual (or, yes, even a little grody).

Ask your partner to tell you what they like specifically. If your partner tells you they fantasize about sucking your toes or smelling your feet during sex—or whatever else they like—try a response like, “I’m really glad to know more about what you’re into, and I’m interested to hear about what that might look like for us—how would it work, do you think?” Then, you can talk through what you’d both be comfortable with and excited by before anything actually happens.

Give your feet some love and attention yourself by taking extra care with grooming.

It’s OK to feel a little self-conscious about the appearance of your feet if you’re not used to thinking about them as sexual assets. You might not know what even makes for a sexy-looking foot—and the thing is, it varies! “There’s truly a foot for everybody,” said Sweet Arches. Some people feel turned on by feet that are well-manicured and polished (or not), while others enjoy the look of dirty feet. They might also prefer certain types of shoes, a particular style of socks or panty hose, high arches, or wrinkled soles.

Richard Lennox, a fetish video performer and producer, said his fans often admire his larger foot size, high arch, and long toes that form a peak, while he enjoys a different type of look. “I prefer supple or muscular feet, with shorter toes formed more straight across,” Lennox said. “Everyone has different likes and dislikes.”

Whatever you’re working with can be put to hot use, even if your partner usually has slightly different taste. Especially when, as Arches mentioned, it’s mostly about clean/dirty for a given foot enthusiast. “As someone who actually has a foot fetish, I personally love clean feet, and I love pretty toenails and toe pads,” Arches said. Others, she said, might prefer feet that are sweaty and strong-smelling, though it’s best to keep things clean unless you’re absolutely certain your partner likes them stinky.

Regardless of what your feet naturally look like, keeping them moisturized and otherwise groomed before you do anything with them is generally a good strategy. “Feet cannot be overlooked when it comes to proper care,” said foot fetish model Miss Arcana. “I have a rigorous maintenance routine involving lotions, creams, and pumice stones to keep my feet as soft and callus-free as possible.” You don’t have to spend hours scouring your soles, though—a simple pedicure, either at home or in a salon, and a consistent moisturizing routine will keep your feet looking devastating.

In terms of how to dress up, your partner may let you know that the feet of their dreams are wearing certain kinds of shoes or accessories (like stockings, toe rings, or anklets). If they’re styles that you don’t already own, ask your partner to pick some out for you. If you really want to treat them and can afford it, you can of course pay for them yourself, but otherwise they should consider picking up the tab for anything they’re specifically requesting you wear.

How to put your best foot forward during fetish-centric encounters

Show off your feet as a form of flirtation.

A straightforward and easy way to pique your partner’s interest (and possibly initiate something more) is to just kick off your shoes. “I get requests all the time from fans who want videos of me just hanging out, sitting in normal clothes with my feet in the camera,” said Mistress D, an OnlyFans model and foot fetish content creator.

Seems easy enough—because it is! Strip off your socks and go barefoot when the two of you are hanging out at home, or try resting your feet near your partner while you’re watching TV. You’ll both feel relaxed, comfortable, and maybe a little turned on. 

Flaunting your feet can also be a nice way to subtly flirt with your partner if they’re still feeling shy about talking directly about their foot fetish. “If someone has an idea that their partner has a foot fetish—maybe they’ve caught them looking at their feet, or they’ve shown just any type of interest in their feet—just kick your feet up,” said Arches, though she said it’s usually just really nice to do that as a first move even if you’re more direct with each other: To ease into things, according to Arches, “The first thing you can do is get your foot in their lap.”

When you’re out in public together (or maybe flirting with a foot-friendly hottie from afar,) show off a fresh pedicure in some cute flip flops or sandals, or accessorize with ankle and toe jewelry. “I’m in Florida, where it’s appropriate to wear flip flops and sandals nearly everywhere,” said Lennox. “My eyes often wander if I’m in a restaurant or wherever, and I think, Oh, nice!” Perhaps you, too, might embrace a more Floridian approach to style?

Invite your partner to give you a foot massage.

If you both want to get more physical, have your partner give you a foot massage. “A foot massage helps break the mental barrier many people have that feet are ‘dirty,’” said Lennox—plus it also feels really good for you! While your partner rubs your feet, maintain eye contact and let them know you’re enjoying having your feet touched. You might compliment their technique, tell them how good it feels, or just sit back, relax, and watch them do their thing. 

Asking for a foot rub—or offering one—can provide a natural way to continue the conversation about specific preferences you or your partner might have. “This can be really helpful in a new relationship where maybe all the kinks aren’t fully explored and fleshed out yet,” said Miss Arcana. As your partner rubs your feet, ask your partner how your feet smell, or even how they taste, and whether they’re turned on by that. “If you approach this conversation [in the moment] with more subtlety than just asking, ‘So, what do you like about feet’ [more generally], you might get a better response!” said Mistress D. As she pointed out, “Not many people want to come right out and say they like the smell of your feet!” A foot massage is a great time to check in about what you’re both comfortable doing next, even if that means staying right where you are.

Use your feet during foreplay.

 If things start to become more overtly sexual, you can keep the mood going by focusing on your feet as you start to hook up. Your partner may fantasize about worshipping your feet—kissing, licking, stroking, caressing, sucking your toes, or putting their mouth on your feet. They may also want to feel your feet on their face or different parts of their body. “I like to give a partner detailed instructions for how to lick, kiss and suck my toes, and compare it to how someone might perform oral sex on me,” said Vendetta. She also recommended using your feet like you might use your hands: “You can just explore each other’s body parts!”

Give your partner a footjob.

While foot worship or other kinds of foot play don’t have to lead to anything more, your partner might love feeling your feet on their genitals. If you’re both down, you can stroke their genitals with lubed feet—also known as a footjob. To do this, turn your feet inward, as if you’re imitating hands in a prayer position. Keep your soles pressed together while you grip, and slide along the length of your partner’s genitals.

Water-based lube generally works best, and you’ll want to keep a towel handy for easy cleanup and safety. “You don’t want anyone to traipse into the bathroom with lubed-up feet,” said Lennox. “Either you’ll have hard-to-remove wet footprints in your carpet and fuzzy feet, or a slip and fall incident on wood or tile floors.”

Your partner might also be interested in having you insert a toe into one of their orifices. Start slow—maybe exploring with your fingers first—and use plenty of lube, which will feel great for your partner while helping prevent potential cuts or scrapes. Clean feet and toes are especially crucial if there’s a chance they might be going inside someone’s body. “Make sure the nails are closely trimmed and hygienic, no fungus at all,” said Lennox. “A scrape can turn into an infection. Probably easy enough to treat, but do you really want to tell that story to your doctor?”

Take nudes or lewds including your feet—and master “the pose.”

Whether you live with your foot-loving partner or you’re just getting to know a new fox, sending a sexy photo or video of your feet lets your partner know that you really want to turn them on in this particular way. Top-down photos of your toes work, though your partner might also appreciate an angle that includes your face and some bright, warm lighting. (“Natural light or even a ring light will make a huge difference,” said Miss Arcana.)

“I personally love to include my face and have my toes just right up front on camera,” said Arches. “That way, they get a feel that you’re into it and your cute little feet are in front, too. They get the full picture.”

From there, “There are so many possible positions you could try,” said Mistress D. She listed an array of options, including crossing your feet, putting one on top of the other, or posing them side by side. A few variations on these, like flexing the toes, curling them together tightly to create wrinkles in the soles, or pointing the big toe upward in a “thumbs up” can also add some variety. If your partner enjoys seeing your feet in high heels, you might also try slipping on a pair that shows off the small space between your toes, or “toe cleavage.” a bit of toe cleavage, or the space between your toes.

Your partner might enjoy a view from behind, with your butt resting on the soles of your feet. If a video is more their speed, see if they want to watch you spread your toes as wide as possible, or scrunching them in toward the soles. Practice a few different angles and positions and see which your partner is enthusiastic about.

If you still feel like you’re not sure your approach is working, Miss Arcana recommended “the pose,” which she described as a surefire smash hit among most foot fetishists. “It’s the best go-to pose that any beginner can do,” she said. “Lay on your stomach, bend at the knees, and bring your feet up in the air behind you. Now, you have the perfect position to show your face with your feet mischievously teasing in the background!”

 Whatever you do, though, your partner is going to be excited that you’re trying to begin with! “You don’t have to stress about the actual ‘pose’ too much,” said Miss Arcana. Remember that photos and videos, like actual foot-based action, are about pleasure, not perfection!

As in all aspects of newly involving yourself in someone else’s fetish, there’s no need to expect that you’ll immediately know each and every one of its particulars the moment you get started. Your partner will likely be incredibly stoked (and turned on!) that you’re interested in making their fetish a part of your sex life just in that fact alone, and you’ll figure the rest out together as you go. As Miss Arcana put it: “Just put your best foot forward with every attempt, and have fun.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Parents, for your ‘quaranteenager’s’ sexual health, talk to them about taking risks

For teens, the pandemic has spotlit the risk of not being able to take risks associated with establishing new intimate relationships outside of the family.

By

For the past year, the pandemic has shaped how young people have been forced to consider risk. Masks, social distancing, hand washing, staying home — these are new norms of safety for life as what’s popularly been dubbed a “quaranteenager.”

And yet, as the weather warms, and we take tentative steps outside, teenagers will begin to navigate their own desire for face-to-face contact and socializing and their need to stay safe in the pandemic.

As parents work to support teenagers’ emotional and physical well-being this spring and summer, let’s not forget the ways this pandemic has interrupted their sexual development. Teens are supposed to be establishing new intimate relationships outside of the family.

Instead, a year-long lockdown has kept teens close to home and increased their time with parents or household members and cut them off from most physical contact with peers.

Just as COVID-19 has required parents to have difficult and frank conversations with the teens about health risks, the pandemic provides an opportunity for parents to have frank conversations about sexuality and safety as well.

Two people holding hands.The pandemic provides an opportunity for parents to have frank conversations about sexuality and safety

Teenage years interrupted

Like adults, teens have spent the year in various stages of lockdown, but the cost of this time in isolation affects teens differently. Gone are many of the familiar experiences that are important to developing an emerging sense of self and the wider world in high school: dances, sleepovers, concerts, sports, parties, field trips.

All these losses add up for teens and emerging research shows the pandemic has taken a toll of young people’s mental well-being.

Sexual health researchers caution that sex education could get lost in a shift to online learning at school. They also speculate that one of the short-term effects of the pandemic on teenagers’ sexual health could be less contact with sexual partners — and that “longer term outcomes will almost certainly affect sexual activity and intimate relationships.”

Some clinicians testify that in their pandemic practice they’ve noticed young people are having less sex and with fewer partners.

But none of this means teens have given up on sex: A study of gay and bisexual boys aged 14-17 in the United States finds they they are watching more porn.

A study of female-identifying Canadian teens aged between 16 and 19 finds girls were more reliant than ever on new media to initiate and maintain dating relationships, using online apps and social media to virtually flirt and hook up.

Reorienting after COVID-19

Reorienting ourselves after a year of living under the threat of COVID-19 social, economic and health effects will be difficult.

Besides worrying about viral infection, parents have spent the year concerned about social isolation, lack of exercise and digital over-exposure.

As teens slowly emerge from the pandemic and reconnect in real life with their peers, they will bring this experience of living under lockdown to their dating and romantic relationships.

Teens walk in an alley.
A group of teens walk through Fan Tan Alley in downtown Victoria, Nov. 26, 2020.

Rethinking ‘good’ parenting of teens

Many social researchers insist that a post-pandemic life should not be a return to normal. As they argue, normal life was marked by glaring social inequalities that have only deepened during the pandemic. For parents of teens, as well, a return to normal would signal a return to concerns about the risks of sexual activity. But what if the pandemic was an occasion for parents’ to rethink their relationship to their teen’s sexual risk-taking?

As social work and sexuality scholar Laina Bay-Cheng argues, too often “good” parenting of teens has meant restricting access to sexual information in the name of protection.

She advocates for an ethical shift that asks parents to normalize teen sexual behaviour, provide access to information and resources and transform the social conditions that make teen sexual activity dangerous.

The risk of no risks

One lesson the pandemic offers is a chance to notice the risk of not having opportunities to take risks. Perhaps the pandemic can provide a chance for parents to grant their teenage children what disability scholars have called “the dignity of risk.” Our duty of care cannot trump teenagers’ evolving capability to reasonably assess risks worth taking.

Rather than frame risk as something to be avoided, young people could be supported to make decisions about risk in their lives, including sexual risk, in ways that don’t put their own or others’ well-being in jeopardy. Yes, this means talking to teens about consent, but these conversations also should touch on the ordinary risks we all take in our sexual lives, including the risk of rejection and the surprise of pleasure.

As my research has explored, how we talk to youth about sexuality matters among other reasons because the most intimate of our experiences can come to shape how we see and act in the world. Seen from this point of view, risk is not an obstacle to development but the very grounds of its possibility.

Talking with teens

Let’s talk with teens about the relationships that matter to them.

As teens venture out to explore and experiment with sexuality and forge their new, post-pandemic identities, let’s not begin every conversation about sexuality with worries about pregnancy and disease.

Instead, let’s afford young people the “dignity of risk,” not only in their sexual development but in their whole lives — their friendships, their schooling and their work.

Such conversations can lay the groundwork for the possibility of teens or young adults still enjoying spending time at home whether during the pandemic or beyond.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Do People in Relationships Cheat?

A new study breaks down the reasons—they’re complicated

By Gary W. Lewandowski, Jr

Cheating: it’s the ultimate relationship violation and a notorious relationship killer. A favorite gossiping pastime, the phenomenon is frequently discussed but difficult to study. The goal is to avoid getting caught, so why confess infidelity in the name of science?

But scientists can offer us new insight on a topic often shrouded in stigma and mystery. As researchers have recently demonstrated, cheating is rarely a simple affair. There are many reasons why people cheat, and the patterns are more complex than common stereotypes suggest. A fascinating new study sheds some light on these motivations.

The investigation included 495 people (87.9 percent of whom identified as heterosexual), who were recruited through a participant pool at a large U.S. university and through Reddit message boards with relationship themes. The participants admitted to cheating in their relationship and answered the question at the root of the mystery: Why did you do it? An analysis revealed eight key reasons: anger, self-esteem, lack of love, low commitment, need for variety, neglect, sexual desire, and situation or circumstance. These motivations not only influenced why people cheated but how long they did so, their sexual enjoyment, their emotional investment in the affair and whether their primary relationship ended as a result.

Though most cheating involves sex, it is rarely just about sex itself. Most participants felt some form of emotional attachment to their affair partner, but it was significantly more common in those who reported suffering from neglect or lack of love in their primary relationship. Around two thirds of participants (62.8 percent) admitted to expressing affection toward their new partner. And about the same proportion (61.2 percent) engaged in sexually explicit dialogue with them. Roughly four out of 10 (37.6 percent) had intimate conversations, while one in 10 (11.1 percent) said, “I love you.” Those who reported feeling less connected to their primary partner experienced greater emotional intimacy in the affair, perhaps as a way of fulfilling that need. Similarly, when infidelity was linked to lack of love, individuals found the experience more intellectually and emotionally satisfying.

Participants’ satisfaction with sex differed depending on the reason for their affair. People reported feeling more sexually fulfilled when they cheated because of desire, lack of love or a need for variety. Those who cited a situation as the primary cause were far less satisfied. Much of the sexual activity was limited to kissing (86.7 %percent) and cuddling (72.9 percent). In fact, the study found that only half of the cheaters reported having vaginal intercourse.

The reason for the infidelity also greatly impacted its length. In some cases, the relationship was a brief tryst, while others were a longer and deeper attachment. Those who cheated because of anger (such as a wish to “seek revenge”), lack of love or need for variety had a longer affair, while those motivated by the situation (such as those who were “drunk” or “overwhelmed” and “not thinking clearly) ended it earlier. Women also had a longer affair on average than men.

In the end, only a third of participants ultimately admitted the cheating to their primary partner. Women were more inclined to fess up than men. Those who came clean were more likely to have cheated out of anger or neglect rather than sexual desire or variety. This suggests that their confession was possibly a form of retribution and a way to exact revenge instead of a way to clear their conscience. The participants who confessed were also more likely to form a committed relationship with the affair partner.

While infidelity is typically a clandestine enterprise, some cheaters were less careful than others, perhaps intentionally. Those cheating because of lack of love went on more public dates and displayed more public affection toward their partner. PDA was also common for those seeking variety or looking to boost their self-esteem. On the other hand, situational cheaters were less inclined to cheat out in the open, perhaps because they hoped to return to their primary relationship without getting caught.

So is an affair really a relationship killer? Ultimately, the fate of the participants’ primary relationship depended less on the act itself and more on what motivated it. Cheating was more likely to end a relationship when it arose from anger, lack of love, low commitment or neglect. And it was less likely to do so when the infidelity was circumstantial. Surprisingly, only one in five (20.4 percent) of relationships ended because of the affair. The same number of couples (21.8 percent) stayed together despite their primary partner finding out, while slightly more (28.3 percent) stayed together without their partner discovering their infidelity. The remaining relationships broke up for noncheating reasons.

Rarely did infidelity lead to a real relationship. Only one out of 10 of the affairs (11.1 percent) ultimately turned into a full-fledged commitment—one of the preconceptions that turns out to be true.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What is mindful sex and how do I do it?

BY LAURA MIANO

“What is mindful sex and how do I do it?” – Looking For Contentment 

Hi, Looking For Contentment. Great question – your sex life is probably about to go from good to stunning with a question like that. I’m quite happy for you. Derived from Eastern traditions, mindful sex has gained widespread attention in the West in recent years, and for good reason – it’s pretty incredible.

If you’ve tried mindfulness in your daily life and experienced any of the benefits it offers, you are about to experience a similar revolution in your sex life. Before I go into what mindful sex is, let me educate you on what mindful sex is not. Chances are you might have experienced any one – or all – of these phenomena.

Performance anxiety is a big one, and maybe the biggest culprit of sex that is not mindful. If you notice yourself ruminating over things like pleasuring your partner in the ‘right’ way, looking sexy to your partner, whether your body looks good from a certain angle, whether the face you’re making is ‘too much’ or if you’re acting too sexual or not sexual enough, you might be suffering from performance anxiety, and/or it’s lesser-known sister, spectatoring. These involve anxiety over how you act or look in a sexual experience.

You might also find that during sex you have a goal-oriented mentality like actively working toward achieving an orgasm, having your partner achieve an orgasm, or doing certain acts that you think are obligatory during sex. Further to the last point, if you are having sex by deliberately following a certain structure such as kissing then foreplay then penetrative sex, you also might not be having mindful sex.

If you find yourself becoming distracted by your thoughts, like wondering about the errands you need to run tomorrow or using sexual fantasies to help you achieve arousal, these also digress from mindful sex. The latter is absolutely healthy to do, it just doesn’t fit the criteria of ‘mindful’ sex.

Another phenomenon that falls outside this criterion is a form of dissociation called depersonalisation. This is when a person can’t feel their body or connect with their sexual identity and might occur in people with a history of sexual trauma. Although this is not mindful sex, just like the others, overcoming disassociation is best worked through with a trained sex therapist, sexological bodyworker or psychosomatic counsellor, as engaging in mindful sex can be more challenging for people with this condition, compared to the others I described earlier.

So now that you know what mindful sex is not, let’s get into the fun stuff – what mindful sex is! Mindful sex involves being vulnerable, surrendering to the present moment and letting any distracting thoughts simply come and go during a sexual experience. Any preconceived ideas of what sex should look like, how long it should go for or what sexual acts or events need to occur, can all say bah-bye.

It involves being physically, psychologically and emotionally cognisant when you’re having sex. That is, bringing 100 per cent of your awareness to how and what you are feeling during the experience, and the emotional and sexual connection you are forming with your sexual partner (sexual partner being a one-night stand, casual fling or long-term partner).

In psychological terms, your conscious mind is called a limited capacity system because you can only process a certain amount of information at any given time. Imagine your mind is like a bubble, when you are filling it up with your anxious, distracted or goal-oriented thoughts, you leave less space to consciously process the stimulation and pleasure. What mindful sex does is push those thoughts out and utilise the whole bubble by only processing information that is relevant to your pursuit of pleasure, connection and arousal.

This means you start psychologically experiencing deeper layers of sex that you might not have had the capacity for before. This can lead you on a really incredible journey of pleasure and change how you actually physically have sex too. For example, when you truly tap into your pleasure, maybe you actually don’t want to follow that cookie-cutter mould of sex I mentioned before. Sex that is mindful might start to look completely different to the sex you were having before.

So why is it worth doing? Well, you can experience a range of benefits including deeper intimacy and connection with your partner, a deeper understanding of and connection to your own sexuality, boosted self-esteem and body image, less performance anxiety, more connectedness and awareness of your body, heightened pleasure, more pleasure literacy, and easier and better orgasms.

Not to mention, if you use your mindfulness skills learnt during sex in everyday life, you could start to experience positive changes in your mental health more generally. There really isn’t enough space in this article to list every benefit but take my word for it – mindfulness will do you well.

So now that I’ve gone total sales pitch on you with mindfulness, you probably want to know how it’s done. There are no defined steps, obviously, but if you try any of the following techniques you’ll be well on your way. Also remember, with the exception of partner-related tips, any of these can be used during solo sex (i.e. masturbation).

Try to set up your environment in a way that makes you feel sensual, relaxed and safe. This might include a clean and tidy room, dim lighting, soft music, and a nice scent. You’d be surprised how much it can impact you on an unconscious level.

You should also try to remove any preconceived ideas of what sex should look like. This might be hard to do completely (we internalise a lot on an unconscious level), but if you find yourself thinking things like ‘I should probably do x now’ or Have I been doing x for too long?’, push those thoughts away and return to what you are feeling.

On top of this, instead of trying to achieve an orgasm, focus on experiencing pleasure. Many people who struggle to orgasm do so because they are too focused on it. Move away from the orgasm goal and get comfortable with just being.

You should also let thoughts come and go by gently pushing them away when they appear. Try mindfulness techniques like The Five Senses exercise, focusing on your breath, deep breathing or imagining your thoughts disappearing on a moving cloud.

You can also be mindful by pursuing your own pleasure at the start of the experience, instead of putting your partner first. This can kick start that gorgeous dance of reciprocal arousal that two people achieve when one person becomes aroused because the other person is aroused, which then keeps repeating and can create a really beautiful cycle of shared pleasure.

Other steps to try are synchronised deep breathing and eye gazing with your partner. These will be great for creating trust, intimacy and a deeper sexual connection with the person you share these with.

I’m trying my best to stay realistic here, but mindful sex is truly your ticket to wildly pleasurable and mind-blowing sex. If you haven’t tried it, I suggest giving it a go. Whether you are exploring solo or having sex casually or with a committed partner, mindful sex will reshape your whole understanding of pleasure and satisfaction. Trust me, you need to try it.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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From Best Friends to Platonic Spouses

Some people are taking their friendships to the next level by saying “I do” to marriages without sex.

By Danielle Braff

First came blood brothers, best friends who would solidify their bond by cutting themselves and swapping a bit of blood. Then came the tiny house besties, friends moving into adjoining tiny homes. (“Bestie Row” in Texas, for example.)

Today some people are taking their friendships a giant step further: They are platonically marrying each other, vowing to never leave each other’s side for better or for worse.

On Nov. 14, 2020 at Greenwood Hall in East Islip, N.Y., Jay Guercio and Krystle Purificato donned wedding gowns, walked down the aisle, exchanged rings and shared their first and only kiss. Ms. Purificato is in the process of changing her last name to Guercio.

“I want her to continue to be my best friend and my life partner,” said Ms. Guercio, a 23-year-old student studying professional communications at Farmingdale State College.

The besties, both queer and open to dating anyone but each other, met in 2011, and decided to get married in September. They sleep in the same bed but their relationship remains platonic.

Ms. Guercio and Ms. Purificato wanted to get married because they wanted to be legally and socially recognized as a family.

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“We wanted the world to know we are each other’s go-to person in the world, and to be able to handle legal matters with the other appropriately,” Ms. Guercio said. “We are a couple, a unit and partners for life.”

Ms. Guercio said their marriage is stable, it’s long-lasting and it has no conditions.

There are no statistics about the number of platonic, best-friend marriages, and many people who are in them aren’t open about their situation. But chat boards on Reddit and within smaller asexual and aromantic communities have popped up recently, suggesting this could be a larger portion of the marriage population than numbers portray. (Asexual is defined as having no sexual feelings or desires; aromantic means having no desire for a romantic relationship. Hetero-monogamous is a sexual relationship between a man and a woman.)

“It should be acknowledged that we’ve really normalized heterosexual monogamous romantic relationships to the point of stigmatizing other kinds of relationships,” said Nick Bognar, a marriage and family therapist in Pasadena, Calif. “All of this is to say, I think this probably happens a lot, but people don’t talk about it much because their relationships are invalidated by others when they’re seen as not being part of the norm.”

Historically, marriage was an economic proposition, but it has shifted over time to a choice representing an all-consuming relationship, said Indigo Stray Conger, a sex and relationship therapist in Denver. Under this framework, couples expect each other to fulfill all their needs: social, psychological and economic.

“Platonic marriages raise an interesting question related to what elements are most important in a marriage, and what needs partners theoretically must meet for marriages to be successful,” said Jess Carbino, a relationship expert who lives in Los Angeles and is a former sociologist for the dating apps Tinder and Bumble.

Kim Reiter, 40, never considered marrying a best friend, though she considers herself to be nonbinary, aromantic and bisexual. Ms. Reiter, who lives in Dortmund, Germany, and is unemployed, tried OkCupid in 2013 and found her husband, who is aromantic and asexual.

They quickly became platonic best friends and married in 2018.

“Our daily life is that of best friends: We talk and laugh a lot, watch movies, but there is almost no physical element in it,” Ms. Reiter said. “Sometimes we hug or give massages to each other, and every night we have our good-night kiss, but we have separate bedrooms. We are the most important people in each other’s lives.”

Kema Barton and Dene Brown, of Columbus, Ohio, are both pansexual and have a similar platonic marriage. (Pansexual is defined as sexual, romantic, or emotional attraction toward people regardless of their sex or gender identity.) They have been best friends for seven years, and each has two children from previous relationships. In October 2020, just before Ms. Brown had her second child, the friends decided to get married and make all their life decisions together.

They decided to make it official because they wanted to build a family together, to raise their children together and to make all their major choices as a unit.

They’re in the process of buying a house and getting a joint bank account. Their children consider each other brother and sister, and they call each woman Mom.

“We’re committed to investing in one another so we can both be successful, and ultimately, we love each other so much,” said Ms. Brown, 30, a disabled Navy veteran. “In every way that you’d look at a husband or a marriage in terms of interpersonal connections and intimacy, it’s there.”

Ms. Brown and Ms. Barton have never been intimate with each other, and they both have given each other the freedom to date outside their marriage.

Kimberly Perlin, a psychotherapist in Towson, Md., said that couples in this type of arrangement often find compatibility and understand each other well, while also agreeing to the guidelines without being blinded by romantic feeling. Many of these relationships, she said, begin because the couple wants their family life separate from their romantic lives, as they don’t find their romantic lives to be stable.

Others may be disenchanted with love, and feel that longstanding friendships with a history of resolving conflict may feel like a safer bet.

“If both partners have clear understandings of what is expected, flexibility and communication skills to address conflicts that come up, do not wish to marry a romantic partner and are fine with going against the norms, then who are any of us to say it won’t work?” Ms. Perlin said.

Platonic marriages have been prevalent since marriage became an institution, while marrying for love is more of an oddity in human history, Ms. Conger said.

In the United States, where marriage is incentivized with tax breaks and other couple privileges, getting married to someone with whom you are not romantically attached affords multiple benefits, she said. “A platonic marriage is more than a passing year with a roommate who has different ideas about kitchen cleanliness,” Ms. Conger said. “A platonic marriage is a deep bond and lifelong commitment to a nesting partner you build a shared life with.”

Jullep Teah, 24, a call center representative in San Antonio, Texas, said she feels this way about her future wife, Ashley Roberts, 25, a direct support professional for the state of Texas. Ms. Teah, who is demisexual, plans to marry Ms. Roberts, who has been her best friend since the sixth grade. (Demisexual is defined as only being sexually attracted to someone with whom you have an emotional bond.) They already make all their financial decisions together. They have moved across the country twice together and are currently buying a home together. They share two dogs, and they’re not sure if they want children, but they may adopt in the future.

Ms. Teah said she has social anxiety, which makes it difficult for her to know anyone intimately — and she isn’t interested in romantic relationships. She said there’s more to marriage beyond sex and romance. Her emotional needs are fulfilled and she can’t imagine life without Ms. Roberts by her side.

“Meeting people is hard, getting a bond and romantic feelings is hard, and more and more young people are starting to realize that there are other benefits to marriage other than romantic love: I mean, isn’t the point to marry your best friend?” Ms. Teah said. “So why can’t it be your literal best friend?”

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What does it mean to be Queer?

Definition and history explained

The word ‘queer’ can represent an orientation, a community, a form of activism – and often, all three.

By Annie Hayes

Over the last few decades, the word ‘queer’ has been reclaimed as an expression of empowerment by a large part of the LGBTQ+ community. For people who exist outside the gender or sexual norm, it can represent an orientation, a community, a form of activism – and often, all three.

Unlike labels such as ‘lesbian‘ or ‘non-binary’, which focus on a single aspect of someone’s identity – sexuality or gender, respectively – the term ‘queer’ encompasses both. However, since the term means different things to different people, its definition transcends any meaning that is pinned to it.

We spoke to Dr Kate Tomas, a spiritual empowerment mentor for women and non-binary people, Philip Baldwin, an LGBTQ rights activist, and Liz Edman, leading LGBTQ+ theologian and author of Queer Virtue, about what ‘queer’ means today:

What does queer mean?

Queer is predominantly used as an umbrella term to describe sexual orientations and gender identities other than heterosexual and cisgender (people whose gender identity and expression matches the sex they were assigned at birth). For people across the LGBTQ+ spectrum, the word ‘queer’ can also convey a sense of community, acceptance, kinship, and represent a revolutionary, political rejection of heteronormativity.

‘Queer can be used in a range of contexts by LGBTQ+ people,’ Baldwin explains. ‘It can be used by people who want to reject specific labels of romantic orientation, sexual orientation and/or gender identity. It can also be used by people who want to challenge perceived norms of the LGBTQ+ community – for example, seeking to reject racism, sizeism or ableism.’

Queerness can convey a sense of community, acceptance, kinship, and represents a revolutionary rejection of heteronormativity.

Up until very recently, the word ‘queer’ was exclusively a homophobic slur. ‘It was first reclaimed in the late 1980s,’ says Balwin. ‘A younger generation of LGBTQ+ people now increasingly use the term. It can be empowering – some LGBTQ+ people associate the word with a sense of community and acceptance.’ Not everyone feels this way, he adds, so it’s important to listen to LGBTQ+ people and find out how they identify.

Not only is the word ‘queer’ interpreted in different ways by different people, but it can mean many different things to an individual, too. As an author, says Edman, ‘One of the first questions people always ask me is ‘how do you use the word ‘queer’? The word ‘queer’ means two things to me. It is an umbrella term comprising various iterations of Queer sexual identity and experience.

‘Basically, it’s a neat and nifty way to communicate what is otherwise an increasingly cumbersome list of initials that begin LGBTQIA,’ she says. ‘I like ‘queer’ in this sense because it can hold identities and preferences that are being felt and named now and into the future.’ In addition, Edman’s work ‘draws on the academic discipline of Queer Theory, where “to queer” is to rupture false binaries – or put another way, to disrupt rigid, black and white thinking.’

Is ‘queer’ an insult?

‘The label “queer”, when used by people hostile to difference, is a slur,’ says Dr Tomas. ‘All slurs act in the same way: it is a way of labelling someone as sub-human, indicating to the world that they do not deserve to be treated with humanity or respect. Sometimes the most powerful way to fight back from such an act of violent labelling is to reclaim the term itself.’

Using the label is a choice that can only be made by the individual. ‘One can self-identify as Queer, but it is not appropriate to label others as Queer because of the history of the word,’ Dr Tomas explains. ‘So, if you know your friend identified as Queer you can talk about your queer friend – but if you think someone is gay, it is not appropriate to refer to them as queer.’

The history of the word ‘queer’

The word “queer” hasn’t always related to sexuality and gender. When it entered the English language in the 16th century, queer was a synonym for strange, odd and eccentric. ‘It wasn’t until the 1940s that the term was used a slur against gay people, or anyone who wasn’t gender-conforming,’ says Dr Tomas. ‘To be labelled as “a queer” was extremely dangerous, and would often result in violence, abuse and sometimes death.

Three decades ago, Queer – with capitalisation to denote a proper noun – was reclaimed, Dr Tomas continues. ‘Reclaiming words that have been used as slurs and weaponised against oppressed communities is a form of resistance,’ she explains. ‘There is power in taking back a term used to shame, humiliate and violate, but that reclamation can only be done by members of that oppressed and marginalised group.’

How to be more inclusive of Queer people

It’s easy to make the world a more welcoming, safe space for Queer people. Here’s some pointers on being more inclusive that are actionable right now:

🌈 Don’t miss the ‘Q’ in LGBTQ: Whenever you talk about sexual orientation and gender identity, make sure you include the word queer.

🌈 Increase your understanding: Do your own research. ‘Listen to LGBTQ+ people, learn about LGBTQ+ identities and challenge homophobia, biphobia and transphobia whenever you hear it,’ says Baldwin.

🌈 Don’t make assumptions: Open your mind to the possibility that any person you ever meet might identify as Queer. Avoid drawing conclusions based on your perceptions of who they are.

🌈 Share your pronouns: ‘Making a point of sharing your own pronouns – “Hi, I am Kate, I use She and Her pronouns” – and not assuming any one else’s are two powerful and impactful ways to make Queer people safe and welcomed,’ says Dr Tomas.

🌈 Ditch dualisms: Make an effort to use non-gendered language whenever you can, like ‘people’ instead of ‘men and women’ and ‘children’ instead of ‘boys and girls’.

🌈 Fly the flag: Quite literally, if you can. ‘Displaying the rainbow flag in your businesses will instantly let Queer people know you are safe for them,’ says Dr Tomas.

What is Queer Theory?

Queer Theory (QT) explores and challenges the various ways society perpetuates gender-, sex-, and sexuality-based binaries, such as feminine/masculine, man/woman, and heterosexual/homosexual. These binaries reinforce the notion of the minority as abnormal and inferior, Encyclopaedia Britannica writes, ‘for example, homosexual desire as inferior to heterosexual desire, acts of femininity as inferior to acts of masculinity.’

‘Thus,’ the text continues, ‘Queer Theory is a call to transgress conventional understandings of gender and sexuality and to disrupt the boundary that separates heterosexuality from homosexuality. Instead, Queer Theorists argue that the heterosexual-homosexual division must be challenged to open space for the multiple identities, embodiments, and discourses that fall outside assumed binaries.’

In essence, Queer Theory focuses on dismantling oppressive cultural norms. ‘Whether or not you are considered to be “a man” or “a woman” directly impacts how much power you have access to, how much respect you are given, and therefore how safe you are in the world,’ says Dr Tomas. ‘If you happen to not confirm to either of these options for gender presentation, or you are neither a man or a woman, the world is not a safe place.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Dealing with the symptoms of menopause

It’s a good idea to talk to your doctor about treatment options

by Maggie Ireland

As women approach the end of their childbearing years, they may experience symptoms of menopause but may not realize all of the treatments now available.

“Menopause is the lack of menses in a woman. Typically, this happens in her early 50s. The current diagnosis for menopause is that a woman has no periods for 12 months,” said Dr. Lindsy Alons, a physician at Cedar Rapids OB/GYN Specialists. “It’s different for every woman.”

In menopause, a woman’s body adjusts to changing levels of ovarian hormones — estrogen — as her cycles phase out. The uneven levels of estrogen can cause a wide variety of symptoms, with hot flashes and night sweats the most common.

“A lot of patients have night sweats, hot flashes, changes in libido, vaginal dryness, mood changes and other symptoms,” Alons said.

Quality of life

Eugenia Mazur, a physician in the Menopause and Sexual Health Clinic at University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics in Iowa City, treats many woman for the effects of menopause, some more serious than others.

“Every woman goes through menopause without exclusion,” Mazur said. “Some of us have very mild or no symptoms and don’t require any intervention. Another group of women experience quite significant symptoms.”

Some women experience sleep disruption. Often, they experience fatigue, a lack of concentration or a “brain funk” the next day, Mazur said. Many gain weight.

Another common symptom is vaginal dryness, which “can lead to pain with intercourse,” Mazur said. “I’ve learned to always ask about this — if I don’t ask, a patient may be too embarrassed to bring it up herself.”

The combination of symptoms can drastically alter a woman’s quality of life, she said.

“On average, menopause symptoms will last seven years,” Mazur said. “So, if you have symptoms that are affecting your daily life, you should absolutely talk to your doctor.”

Estrogen or aging?

While more serious health concerns can develop during menopause, both physicians acknowledged it can be difficult to distinguish what is caused by changes in estrogen levels and what is brought on by aging.

For example, women tend to develop cardiovascular abnormalities more commonly in their 50s and 60s, whereas men tend to develop those issues sooner.

“It’s hard to say if it’s hormonal or aging,” Alons said.

In menopause, a woman’s cholesterol may jump, sometimes drastically, so it is important they get their cholesterol levels checked and talk to their doctor about heart health.

Bone health is another concern.

“Once the ovaries stop making estrogen, we see a lot more thinning of bones as women become postmenopausal,” Alons said.

Osteopenia and osteoporosis are both diseases of progressive bone loss that become more common in women after menopause. Prevention, including bone density tests, is key.

Treatment options

The good news is that the treatment options available are as diverse as the types and severity of symptoms accompanying menopause.

“We, of course, make lifestyle, health, diet and exercise recommendations when they are appropriate,” Mazur said.

The most common treatment for the symptoms of menopause is hormone replacement therapy — regulating the level of estrogen.

“There are lots of over-the-counter options out there, but they don’t usually have a ton of effect,” Alons said. “With hormone replacement therapy, there are many different formulations — pills, patches, topical lotions, vaginal preparations, laser therapy and more. So treatment can really be tailored to the needs of each woman and the severity of her symptoms.”

Adding estrogen back into a woman’s body carries the bonus of helping combat bone loss.

“There is nothing close to estrogen in prevention of bone loss,” Mazur said. “We do not prescribe estrogen for osteoporosis specifically — but if we start it for other symptoms, you also will get the added benefits of prevention.”

Many women, she said, “are scared of using estrogen due to possible side effects. But we will always assess a woman’s risk factors and health history before making a recommendation for hormone replacement. If you’re a good candidate for estrogen replacement, it can really improve your quality of life.”

Doctors also may prescribe antidepressants or sleep aids if a woman’s mood or sleep are drastically affected by menopause.

Do some research

When it comes to doing your own research on menopause symptoms and treatment, Mazur has some advice.

“Dr. Google is not always helpful and can be overwhelming,” she said.

But a “great” source of information, she said, can be found at the North American Menopausal Society website at menopause.org.

“Even if you are only approaching the age of menopause, it’s good to do some research,” Mazur said. “You can talk to your doctor about any questions you have.”

If concerns arise about treatment options, talk to your doctor for tailored, specific advice, she said.

Alons agreed — there’s no reason to go into menopause with unanswered questions or uncontrolled symptoms.

“More and more women are coming in with their concerns,” she said. “For a long time, menopause wasn’t talked about, so women suffered in silence. Now, there are lots of options for treatments available so you can live a healthy, comfortable lifestyle.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!