Month: January 2021

Posted on

Aftercare Conversations Might Be the BDSM Practice You Need to Try

It’s a game changer (even if you’re vanilla).

By Patia Braithwaite

If you’re familiar with BDSM, you probably know that communication is a major through line. There’s a reason for this. As SELF previously reported, BDSM, which stands for bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism, is a term that describes a wide swath of sexual behaviors that people enjoy. This can range from things like erotic spanking and using restraints to more mental stimulation through things like domination, submission, or light humiliation. BDSM is sort of an umbrella term that describes a host of activities that people might consider kinky, but kink is a larger term for sexual activities and fantasies that tend to fall outside of what we’d consider “conventional.” You can think of BDSM as one aspect of kink.

“Communication is really key to healthy and enjoyable kink scenes,” Liz Powell, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Building Open Relationships, tells SELF. You and potential partners might think you’re into the same things but “might have zero things in common,” Dr. Powell explains. “So communication is the way we find out what kink means for you.”

Ideally, at the onset of any kinky sexual activity, partners will pre-negotiate a scenario. This might involve talking through likes, dislikes, and hard limits. You and your partner(s) might agree on a safe word so that anyone can end the scene at any time, Dr. Powell explains. Communication, both verbal and nonverbal, continues throughout so that everyone feels safe and supported, Dr. Powell says. But what happens when things are winding down? “There’s some aftercare or ‘cool down’ that provides a place for people to come out of the roles they’ve been in,” Dr. Powell explains.

There are lots of ways to incorporate kink and BDSM into your sex life if you’re interested. But even if you’re not, you might want to try aftercare, which is the point where you and your partner attend to your own physical and psychological needs and each other’s.

For instance, people might check in with one another and make sure they are feeling okay. They might ask for feedback on the scene or talk about what they really liked or didn’t like. Aftercare doesn’t always have to be verbal, Dr. Powell explains, adding that it could include one partner putting a blanket over their partner, stroking their hair, or tending to any bruises that might’ve occurred during a kink scene. But it can absolutely be an overt conversation about what worked and what didn’t, Dr. Powell says.

Before we get into how you might do that, let’s break down why communication often gets lost in the shuffle in more vanilla interactions. There are so many cultural messages about how sex “should” be, especially for cis women who date cis men, that talking about wants and desires might be a turnoff, Lori Michels, L.M.F.T., AASECT-certified sex therapist, tells SELF. This means that when people have sex, they might not notice the need for clear and effective dialogue. Or they might not be as intentional as they could be. And even if they’re vocal before and while having sex, they might not see the need to debrief as things wind down. “A lot of people end up having sex that doesn’t feel great for them, and they don’t know how to express that to their partners,” Dr. Powell explains.

In BDSM and kink contexts, aftercare is an integrated part of sex, Michels says. It’s a natural progression that allows partners to leave the scene and come back to reality in an intentional and intimate way, she explains.

Aftercare conversations can be helpful for anyone, but Dr. Powell says it’s especially useful for folks who might have a freeze response when they are uncomfortable. Even with the best intentions and clear communication, occasionally, something might happen during sex that doesn’t thrill you. If you’re someone who freezes when you’re uncomfortable, it might be difficult to express that displeasure in real time. In an aftercare conversation, once your body has calmed down, you might be able to speak up about how things felt. It doesn’t have to happen immediately after sex either, Dr. Powell says. You might talk to your partner in a day or two, or even longer than that when you’ve had a chance to center yourself a bit.

If aftercare is something you want to bring into your own bedroom, there are a few ways you might broach the subject. To begin, Dr. Powell says it’s okay if you’re not quite sure how to start the conversation. In fact, if you’re feeling awkward, you should just say that. “Name the emotion you’re having about it,” Dr. Powell says. “It makes it easier for you, and it puts you and your partner on the same page.” You might even mention that you saw an interesting article on the topic, Dr. Powell suggests, so that it doesn’t come off as if you’re prepping to have an overwhelmingly critical conversation about your sex life.

If you’re really verbal (or super comfortable with your partner), Dr. Powell also suggests you frame your aftercare discussion around three things that worked well and three things you both might do differently. Often, when saying “how was it for you,” there’s an implication that the answer should be “great,” and that doesn’t leave much room for talking through things you might want to try a different way. You can say something like, “Tell me your favorite parts of what we did and what could we do to make things better or more exciting,” Dr. Powell says. Additionally, she suggests that asking for three positive notes and three things that you want to improve can increase the likelihood of getting honest feedback.

If you have major resistance to bringing up aftercare or you’re not quite sure what you liked and disliked about a certain sexual experience (or sex in general)—that’s okay. You can totally explore your own body and figure out the sensations that feel best for you, Michels says. It’s not unreasonable to have aftercare conversations with yourself, TBH. The more comfortable you are with yourself, the easier it will be to express those feelings to others, Michels explains.

And, Dr. Powell says, aftercare has implications outside of your bedroom. “Aftercare might be important during an argument when your bodies are still coming down from the big emotions and all the physiological responses,” she explains. “Any time you’re having a strong emotional response, something that looks like a version of aftercare could be helpful.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Easy, expert tips for teaching LGBT-inclusive sex and relationships education to your kids at home during lockdown

Teaching kids about LGBT+ sex and relationships at home is important, whether or not they are learning about it at school.

by Lily Wakefield

As the UK enters another national lockdown, the pandemic is continuing to cause disruption to many children, particularly when it comes to LGBT-inclusive sex and relationships education.

Last week, Boris Johnson announced that schools in England would move to remote learning until at least February half-term, excluding the children of key workers and vulnerable children, and schools in Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland will do the same until mid to late January.

While queer parents, parents of LGBT+ kids and allies were relieved when LGBT-inclusive relationships and sex education (RSE) became mandatory for UK schools in September this year, schools have been given “flexibility” on when they implement the new curriculum because of the coronavirus pandemic. 

The mandatory RSE guidelines mean that every primary school child must learn about different types of families, including those with same-sex parents, and secondary school students must be taught about sexual orientation and gender identity.

OFSTED is carrying out a “phased return to inspection”, meaning that although the watchdog will initially comment on schools’ “readiness” to comply with the RSE guidance from the Department for Education, whether or not a school teaches about LGBT+ relationships “will not impact inspection judgments until the start of the summer term 2021”.

In schools that have begun teaching the protected characteristics of the Equality Act 2010 as they apply to relationships, kids may still be missing out.

While lockdowns have been causing disruption throughout the school year, even during the periods in which schools have remained open children must self-isolate and stay out of school if they have, or live with someone who has, coronavirus symptoms or a positive test.

Whatever access a child currently has to LGBT-inclusive RSE, experts told PinkNews that it is always beneficial to include LGBT+ identities in educational activities at home.

Learning about LGBT-inclusive relationships and sex education is important both at school and at home

Sidonie Bertrand-Shelton, head of education programmes at Stonewall, said: “Every child and young person deserves an education which celebrates diversity and teaches acceptance.”

Even if your child is already being taught LGBT-inclusive RSE by their school, Bertrand-Shelton said: “Teaching that is inclusive of lesbian, gay, bi and trans people can happen at home too, starting with some easy steps like teaching about LGBT+ role models like Frida Khalo.

“Or, in a maths lesson you can introduce LGBT+ people and families, for example by asking how two mums calculate a 10 per cent increase of their son’s pocket money.”

Gayathiri Kamalakanthan, from the School of Sexuality Education, which provides comprehensive and inclusive sex and relationships education workshops for young people in the UK, said that kids who are in self-isolation “still want and need information about relationships and sex”.

Sexuality, gender fluidity, heteronormativity, periods, masturbation and porn consumption do not stop during self-isolation – so neither should learning about them accurately.

She said: “Learning about topics such as sexuality, gender, consent and healthy relationships now will shape their perception of the world and themselves.

“Even if a topic does not seem relevant now, it’s better for young people to have the information before they actually encounter issues.

“They will be able to make informed choices out of confidence and self-assuredness rather than out of insecurity. Sexuality, gender fluidity, heteronormativity, periods, masturbation and porn consumption do not stop during self-isolation – so neither should learning about them accurately.

“Topics such a digital sexual harassment, digital consent and ORpuberty might be especially relevant in this period of time whilst we are online more than ever before.”

Feeling uncomfortable is OK, but ‘shame and embarrassment’ must not be passed on

Kamalakanthan added that her advice to parents who feel too uncomfortable or uninformed to discuss sex and relationships with their kids would be to “spend time teaching yourself”, but added: “It’s important that we try our best not to pass on our learnt shame and embarrassment.”

“There are some really great, free resources online that can help heterosexual/cisgendered/ uninformed parents talk to their kids about LGBT+ identities,” she said.

“It can seem daunting at first – there might be a lot of new vocabulary and it’s easy to confuse different terms. Let your kids know that you are learning with them.

“Tell them that it’s OK to get things wrong as long as you are willing to listen and learn from the people who are best placed to teach you.

“You might find that your child starts teaching you things and that’s great. Listening to what they have to say will empower them – they’ll want to keep learning alongside you.”

Watching videos by people who are comfortable talking about sex and relationships with your child will help you both say them to each other.

If a parent feels embarrassed, she said: “Acknowledging why you feel embarrassed and being open with your child about this if you can is a good place to start.

“Again, informing yourself first, can give you confidence before talking to your child. Saying something like, ‘talking about the body, sex and relationships is normal and healthy. I wasn’t always taught about it openly so hopefully I’ll get better as we speak about it together’, will allow your child to understand where you’re coming from.

“The more you practice saying specific words out loud, the more comfortable you will be with them. Watching videos by people who are comfortable talking about sex and relationships with your child will help you both say them to each other.”

Parents don’t need to have all the answers

While teaching kids about LGBT-inclusive sex and relationships at home is important, parents should not expect themselves to have the answers to everything.

“Be honest,” said Kamalakanthan. “It’s important that your child knows that you are not perfect and that you don’t know all the answers.

“In modelling vulnerability and a willingness to learn, you allow your child to be vulnerable and imperfect too.

“This is necessary to build a foundation of trust and confidence in a learning environment, especially when discussing a topic that is new and personal.

“Something like, ‘That’s a really good question – I don’t know the answer to that right now but I will find out and let you know by tomorrow, is that OK?’ Make sure you do get back to them – if they know you will answer them, they’re more likely to ask more questions.”

Parents shouldn’t worry about not having specific training when discussing RSE topics – the first step is maintaining a relationship where their young people feel able to communicate with them.

Neil Kittle, sexual health promotion officer at HIV and sexual health charity Terrence Higgins Trust, added: “We know parents have a lot on their plates right now but being mindful about teaching their kids about LGBT+ relationships will go a long way to ensuring all young people get the knowledge they need for later life.

“The government has committed to ensuring all schools deliver LGBT-inclusive Relationships and Sex Education lessons but parents also have an important role to help normalise discussions about these topics.”

Kittle continued: “Parents shouldn’t worry about not having specific training when discussing RSE topics – the first step is maintaining a relationship where their young people feel able to communicate with them.

“There’s lots of resources out there to help support discussing relationships and sexual health. Parents shouldn’t feel afraid to help young people carry out their own appropriate research, for example how to access sexual health services and how to test for sexually transmitted infections. This all contributes to empowering young people to take better care of their sexual health and overall wellbeing.

“During this period of lockdown, young people may also be exposed to additional pressures such as sexting or being asked to share images. While these may not be issues parents have first-hand experience of, it’s really important young people feel supported and can talk about concerns they have.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Hacker exploits smart chastity belt bug to hold penises hostage

The hacker demanded to be paid in Bitcoin, because of course they did.

By Andrew Paul

Sex toy tech is a burgeoning industry often eliciting cheap jokes from people, but it truly presents some serious implications for consumers’ digital privacy and security rights. But hey, no one says these two reactions are mutually exclusive. Don’t believe us? Here: BDSM enthusiasts wearing remote-enabled chastity belts around their dicks are potentially getting caught between a rock and a hard place thanks to hackers breaching the device’s software.

Putting users in a tough bind — According to multiple outlets, hackers discovered a security flaw within the API of a Bluetooth-enabled BDSM sex device called the Cellmate Chastity Cage that allowed them to simultaneously lock all currently in-use devices. The bug was initially first reported last October, but the solution wasn’t so simple as issuing a software update; shutting down the then-current API would result in locking all of the devices from the Chinese-based manufacturer, Qiui. The company provided a revamped API for any new Cellmate purchasers, but the existing vulnerable software remained live and exploitable. Qiui offered numerous reassurances to deal with the issue, but it’s never seemed to fully materialize. So, of course, the worst-case scenario is exactly what happened, as reported by Motherboard.

Bolt cutters and angle grinders — One user recounted receiving a hacker’s message demanding a 0.02 Bitcoin ransom (around $750) or else their Cellmate would remain permanently locked. Given the Qiui’s “smart” sex toy locks via a metal ring underneath a user’s penis, it could have required something along the lines of a sizable bolt cutter or angle grinder to free oneself, which, y’know… is an absolutely terrifying thought. As the BBC noted in October, “Any other attempt to cut through the device’s plastic body poses a risk of harm.” “Fortunately I didn’t have this locked on myself while this happened,” the individual known only as Robert told Motherboard.

Even more private parts could be exposed — If the thought of having one’s genitals permanently encased in Chinese plastic isn’t unsettling enough already, the security flaw underscored even deeper existential problems for users. Pen Test Partners, the British-based cybersecurity firm who first exposed the issues, also noted that the API exploit easily exposed users’ passwords, private messages, and even precise geospatial locations, as seen below.

Pretty much all “Internet of Things” programming will inevitably run into bugs and possible security breaches, but these issues certainly become all the more serious (and even potentially dangerous) when some of your most literal and figurative sensitive information is on the line. The phrase “buyer beware” has never been more appropriate… so please, people. By all means, enhance and expand your sex lives. Just do so responsibly and safely on all fronts.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Trans people deserve healthy, happy sex lives – and that starts with better health care

By Rory Finn

Understanding my body in a sexual way has been something that’s taken time.

I am a transgender man who identifies as queer, and since I began my transition more than 12 years ago, I found I didn’t fit into the boxes outlined in mainstream sexual health information – if I was able to find that sort of information at all.

Anything targeted towards the kind of sex I was having didn’t include people with bodies and identities like mine, and I ended up having to look at sexual health articles published in women’s magazines to try and filter out what information would be useful for me and what was not.

This has been especially unhelpful being who I am now: a man who has sex with men.

I never really noticed just how much of an issue this was until a few years ago, when I started exploring my sexuality and the fetish community. I started to take increased risks with my sexual health, so was going to clinics more often and realised the lack of knowledge and information some clinicians have about trans people and our bodies.

I had a persistent fear that clinicians would regard me as ‘too difficult’ and I feared the inappropriate questions some asked me – others didn’t ask enough. The experience felt unsafe and eventually deterred me from going, hoping I could find any answers I needed through Google instead.

In fact, the first time I contracted an STI I was in denial; I didn’t even know what an STI symptom would look like on a body like mine and I hoped it would clear up by itself. When I was prescribed medication, I didn’t take it straight away.

The continued lack of knowledge and resources around transgender sexual health made me feel like I didn’t matter, that my body was an oddity and that I didn’t deserve good health – all on top of the stigma of having an STI.

And according to a survey by sexual health charity Terrence Higgins Trust, more than half (52%) of trans, non-binary and gender diverse people who responded said they didn’t feel fully in control of their sex life, with more than 70% saying that feelings of negativity and low mood or depression was a factor in this.

Once while I was travelling in Spain, I caught an infection that I believed to be an STI. I spent most of my time at the clinic explaining that I was a trans man, rather than discussing my medical concerns. I was eventually given some sort of prescription and sent on my way.

Trans people should not have to rely on Google searches and outdated sexual health resources – we should be afforded the same information and representation that cisgender people have

This was distressing; I was alone in a foreign country and I didn’t know what was wrong with me. But I was grateful not to have had to undergo an intimate examination.

Luckily, back in England I was able to go to a clinic specifically for trans people – Clinic T – and find out what medication the doctor gave me and why, which was really reassuring.

I knew about the clinic as I had been living in Brighton, where it is well known within the trans community as they do a lot of outreach at events like Trans Pride. But being in an LGBTQ+ friendly city with trans-inclusive services put me at an advantage. Unfortunately, it isn’t always like that, and I’ve still been in situations with a clinician not as trans aware as they could be.

I’m used to being the ‘expert patient’ who knows more about my healthcare than the person who’s supposed to be caring for me.

Then you have the professionals who, the minute they hear the word ‘trans’, automatically view you as a curiosity. Sometimes you are viewed as ‘high risk’ merely because your identity has changed on paper, rather than your behaviour in the bedroom. I regularly experienced this when I started my transition, and it made me feel more like a number in a database than a human being.

This seems to be an ever-present experience for trans people. It’s like, if we don’t fit into society’s strict gender categories, then we fall through the gaps and it makes accessing healthcare feel impossible.

Frustratingly, it could all easily be avoided if healthcare professionals actively built up their knowledge on trans bodies. Trans-awareness training would be helpful, or peer-to-peer learning and reading up on trans health from the ever-increasing body of research on trans medical issues.

Navigating the world as a trans person can be extremely challenging, but it’s even more difficult without valid sexual health information. It can make us feel like we don’t deserve to be seen or celebrated as authentic sexual beings. This is reinforced by the poor representation, such as overly sexualised porn or predatory tropes.

Trans people should not have to rely on Google searches and outdated sexual health resources – we should be afforded the same information and representation that cisgender people have.

This is why I decided to feature in and co-write the Terrence Higgins Trust trans-specific sexual health resource. It is led by and celebrates us as trans, non-binary and gender diverse people.

The new webpages and leaflet are directed to our specific needs and provide up-to-date information and advice on everything from HIV to contraception. They include the impact of hormones and surgery, considerations when taking HIV-prevention pill PrEP, and how to navigate happy, healthy sex.

It feels empowering to be able to do something proactive about something I care so deeply about. I want trans people to have good sex, good health and a healthcare system with as few barriers as possible.

All trans and non-binary people’s bodies should be celebrated, just like everyone else. We have sex too, and we’re deserving of enjoyable and healthy sex lives.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Sex After Cancer

— The Topic No One Wants to Talk About

By

I was clueless when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. The fear of the unknown was overwhelming. I had so many questions but didn’t have any answers. I did however find a group of breast cancer survivors through Facebook and quickly joined.

The post pinned at the top of the group’s page said that all questions were accepted, and the administrator of the group posted that no topic was off limits and that all posts would be kept confidential.

As someone who had many questions with very little answers, I quickly decided to join the group.

I perused the page for several months and quickly became “virtual friends” with some of the women. The ladies in the group became a wonderful resource. They were gracious and kind when I’d ask a question.

But one topic seemed off limits and it was one I really wanted to discuss — sex. At first, I was afraid to bring it up. Although I assumed that I wouldn’t be openly judged, it felt odd to discuss such a sensitive topic with complete strangers. But as I’d scroll through daily posts, I found I wasn’t the only one interested in post-cancer intimacy. There seemed to be others who needed answers.

Everything I’d read indicated people didn’t openly talk about their sex lives, at least those with severe health issues didn’t. But I found, after cancer treatment, many would admit, the physical relationship with their spouse had changed. What once had been a spontaneous and natural relationship had become uncomfortable and difficult. And, many who’d admitted their struggles chose to deal with it alone instead of trying to find help because they were embarrassed to do so.

I was thankful when the topic of sex gained popularity in the Facebook group. The administrator posted questions and wanted the members to share their thoughts. According to the responses, the reasons many were struggling in their sexual relationships was due to physical pain. The second opinion in the poll indicated emotional distress to be a huge factor. Some women posted comments regarding mastectomy. They indicated losing one or both breasts greatly affected their self-esteem and negatively impacted their desire for sexual intimacy. I was surprised at their candor.

What I discovered, through the online poll, was that some women found talking about post-cancer sex easy, but for others, including myself, it was a challenge. And I wondered why that was the case.

I’d always been raised to believe sex was supposed to be a wonderful part of marriage. It was designed to bring fulfillment to both members of a relationship. While I understood health challenges could certainly affect that area of a person’s life, I wondered why those who’d faced cancer-related intimacy issues didn’t want to share.

When the editors of CURE® recently suggested some relevant topics for VOICES contributor submissions, I looked through the short list. I’m always looking for something new and interesting to write about. One topic on that list grabbed my attention but frightened me at the same time — sex.

At first, I didn’t want to write about sex. But the more I thought about it, the more I felt like I needed to do it. From day one, I have always tried to be open and honest about my breast cancer journey. And, I have always felt it was important to share all aspects of my journey in hopes that something I share might help others. So, I pulled up my big girl panties and made the commitment. I would broach the subject as best I could.

It was many months after my treatment ended before my husband and I decided to become intimate. I’d felt self-conscious and wanted to wait. My husband was patient and understanding but when the time felt right, we decided to try.

That evening, we scheduled a time where we could relax and enjoy being together without distractions or interruptions. Neither of us had expectations. We were in uncharted territory. What we did know was we loved each other and wanted to be together.

Since losing my breasts, I hadn’t felt very feminine, so I decided to put on some lingerie in hopes of hiding my chest.

The evening began with gentle caresses and tender touches. As we shared our love, I noticed areas of sensitivity and discomfort. Whenever a touch was uncomfortable, I’d whisper in my husband’s ear and he’d focus on another area.

As we continued to reconnect, I realized I’d lost all feeling in my chest. The nerves had been severed during surgery and my torso was completely numb. I realized, what once had been a source of pleasure was no longer.

To protect our privacy, I won’t share the remainder of the details from that evening but suffice to say, we quickly learned to change and adapt to many of the challenges breast cancer brought our way.

I did some digging as I wanted to learn more about post-cancer intimacy and the issues many men and women face. I found there are many books on the subject.

A consensus, included in the information that I read, indicated that feeling anxious or uncomfortable toward sex after surgery or treatment was completely normal, especially for those who hadn’t been intimate in some time. I was glad to learn that! Continuing to read, I gathered valuable information which included important things to remember like:

  1. Don’t attempt a physical relationship until you are ready;
  2. Talk to your mate about your feelings;
  3. Be willing to adapt and try new things, and
  4. Consult a sex therapist if necessary.

According to breastcancer.org, “The most uncomfortable stuff to talk about is probably your sex life and the changes that have taken place with your illness. You may not know what needs fixing or how to fix it, but you know things are different.”

Many women report having less sex than before their illness, for several reasons:

  • The breast cancer experience slows down your body. It takes longer to do lots of things, including getting interested in, as well as starting and finishing, sexual intercourse.
  • Sex may be uncomfortable or even painful if you’ve been thrown into sudden-onset menopause. No surprise that you tend to have less sex, for now. Many women may have had little or no sex from the time of diagnosis through treatment.

Most people have wild ideas about what goes on in other people’s bedrooms. Give yourself a break: The carefully researched book Sex in America (by Michael, Gagnon, Laumann, and Kolata) tells us that Americans have a lot less sex than the movies, television, and the guys in the locker room would have you believe. The averages reported in that book are:

  1. seven times a month between ages 30 and 40;
  2. six times a month between ages 40 and 50, and
  3. five times a month between ages 50 and 60.

For people over 60, the numbers continue to decline. But although you may assume that no one in their 70s and 80s has a sex life, that’s just not so, the authors wrote.

Whew! It helped a lot to understand everyone’s sex life is very different and there’s no gold standard for what should or shouldn’t happen, especially post cancer. And, experts agreed, even if sexual activity has decreased or even stopped, it was OK. There were still ways to maintain closeness with a partner. Sex did not need to be the focus. Some survivors found contentment in holding hands, cuddling, hugging, and kissing.

My husband and I discovered, as we took the pressure off our relationship, by removing the sex equation, we had freedom to reconnect in ways we never imagined. It has taken time and it hasn’t always been easy, but we’ve managed to rekindle that precious part of our lives.

Discussing the topic of post-cancer sex can be challenging, but there are many good resources available. Some of the ones we found most helpful include:

Breast Cancer Husband: How to Help Your Wife (And Yourself) During Diagnosis, Treatment, and Beyond

Sex and Cancer: Intimacy, Romance, and Love after Diagnosis and Treatment

Sex and Cancer: Six Weeks to Better Sex for Couples During and after Cancer Treatment

The Breast Cancer Survival Manual, Sixth Edition: A Step-by-Step Guide for Women with Newly Diagnosed Breast Cancer

Dr. Susan Love’s Breast Book

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Sex trends to expect for the year ahead

By Ellen Scott

What’s going to be big in the world of sex this year, beyond plenty of lockdown masturbation?

More inclusive language, sexual telehealth, and intimate grooming for men, apparently.

These are all trends predicted for 2021 by Dominnique Karetsos, the CEO of The Healthy Pleasure Group, which is dedicated entirely to the sexual health and technology industry.

Below she breaks down her forecast of sex trends for the year ahead.

Sexual wellness will be a priority

2020 saw a massive rise in sex toy sales, pointing to a renewed focus on self-pleasure, and Dominnique reckons that trend will continue in the year ahead.

We’ll continue to care deeply about connecting with ourselves and enjoying solo pleasure.

‘It has been a tough and challenging year, at times it felt like crawling through sludge, but on the other side it was filled with celebration,’ says Dominnique. ‘Celebrating and exploring what mother nature permitted us to explore in lockdown and the innovation, education and investment that will steer 2021 into healthier behavioural change.’

Intimate grooming for men

Brands will launch products and ranges specifically targeted to men’s sexual pleasure and wellbeing.

Think pubic hair oils targeted at men, organic lubes, and solo sex toys designed for the penis.

More inclusive, sex-positive language

‘We will see a collosal shift in reshaping the language and education in our space,’ sayd Dominnique, ‘affirming that pleasure is healthy, sex is to be explored solo or otherwise, that its ok to not to be ok, that marginalised communities deserve to be witnessed and heard.

‘From trans communities, those with disabilities, sex workers who should not be de-humanised, all these narratives have made news headlines, acronyms like enby when referring to the non-binary community, brands like EXO have launched world first products with inclusive language for trans women community, Lovehoney investing in disibility ranges and campaigns from Handi.

‘Language is vital in offering us education so we can learn how to shape our own narratives while considering our tolerance and sexual empathy for others.

‘The power of the language has the ability to build countries, reshape policies and carve spaces for our identities; just look at the acknowledgement of the use of pronouns she/he/they. It is just the beginning. Lexicons are how humanity is witnessed, here is hoping that this trend evolves into our new cultural fibre for a positive social impact.’

Sexual spaces online

The sex and health industry is ditching social platforms with harsh restrictions on sexual content and making their own spaces.

‘Innovation of social platforms like Pleazeme.com is providing safe places for all to explore their sexualities, health and wellness,’ says Dominnique. ‘STIs are shifting beyond delivering results on mobiles and encouraging ways for us to share our ‘safe to play’ results, lead by brand iPlaySafe – it won’t be long before you tick the IplaySafe box on your dating app profile before you play.

‘These digital landscapes are our new playgrounds that positively aim to make for a smart internet of sexual health and no longer having our sexualities dictated by archaic commercial structures.’

Gamification of sexual pleasure

Dominnique points towards apps like Clitar Hero, a touch screen game that matches specific pleasure techniques with music and lets you play your way to an orgasm.

‘This is all about having fun and normalising girls’ sexual pleasure,’ she explains. ‘Expect to see many more brands use gamification as a way to engage and expand reach.

‘I look forward to seeing gamification in sex ed in schools, A geat tool to adapt to different ages with relevance.’

Telehealth for sexual dysfunctions

Dominnique says: ‘Brands like Hims and Hers, Numan , Manual, Elanza Wellness have facilitated medical and professional help being delivered to millions of beings in the safety of their homes.

‘There’s nothing like a global threat to humanity to rethink how we heal humans and I believe it is safe to say we will never go back to traditional clinical care or advice about our sexual health. We can only move forward and evolve.’

Improvements to fertility care and contraception

Expect greater innovation in the world of contraception and conception.

‘Brands like OOVA and Lab’s like Cemag Care are revolutionising how we track and translate our hormones aiding women to make accurate and supported decisions about their fertility options or contraceptives,’ says Dominnique. ‘Innovation like Ballerine from OCON MED means as women we have safer, more comfortable, hormone-free smart IUD.’

Smart sex robots and virtual reality learning

Dominnique predicts more excitement in the world of sex robots and AI.

‘Brands like Hatsumi are using VR as immersive research to teach and deliver ultimate experiences from pleasure to death doula, while HPG Lab has developed exclusive IP for robotic clit stimulators,’ she says. ‘These are the next generation of toys to help women learn how to have an orgasm.

‘O School and The Femedic are brands using AI and other smart data technology to ensure our learning and content is not just trustworthy and accurate but relevant.

‘So yes robotics and AI can be used to positively impact our experiences.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

‘Don’t do it just before going to sleep’: how to have better sex

Wherever you’re at in life, there’s always more to learn. Here are some ways to inject joy into your sex life

by Ruby Rare

Messages about sex are everywhere: from advertising to porn to social media feeds. But rarely do they feel inclusive, consensual and pleasure-focused. I’m here to change that. My goal is to get people speaking more confidently about sex.

I spent five years teaching relationship and sex education to young people at the sexual health charity Brook, and while it’s vital these messages are communicated to teenagers, it shouldn’t start and end at school. Wherever you’re at in life, there’s always more to learn.

The underlying message of so much advice is, “Buy this, and your sex life will improve.” As we start a new year, I encourage you to spend time on your sex life, not money. This is about feeling connected and empowered through sexual play, not constantly pushing boundaries. Here are some ways to inject joy into your sex life.

Create an environment in which desire can thrive For most of us, this means somewhere comfortable and safe, where we feel able to communicate our needs (although if al fresco escapades are your thing, be my guest). Turn off your phone, try to put everyday stresses to one side, and if something’s on your mind, acknowledge it – to a partner, a friend, or to yourself. Communication is key.

The best quality for great sex is curiosity Be playful with your touch, and remember that not every movement you make needs to be mind-blowing. Consensual touch given with care and curiosity is always going to contribute something nice to a sexual experience.

Trying acrobatic new positions is overrated Variations on classics work far better than anything that’ll risk you slipping a disc. Rather than reinventing the wheel, think about the sensation you’re looking for (lots of bodily contact; room for direct stimulation), and choose a position that’s going to provide that.

Stop having sex just before going to sleep This actually comes from my mum, and it’s a gamechanger. If you wanted to get better at any other activity, would you wait to do it at the end of the day, when you’re knackered? Absolutely not. Evening sex can be lovely, but I (and evidently my mum) champion afternoon sex where possible – it makes things leisurely and indulgent.

Avoid chasing an orgasm I’ve been guilty of making sex so goal-oriented that I forget to enjoy all the stuff leading up to the grand finale. Try to avoid preconceived notions of what’s going to happen before you get started, and take the focus away from where it may lead – it’s best when you’re in the moment. Oh, and a penile orgasm doesn’t automatically signal the end of sex, OK?

Great sex involves lube: the notion that you shouldn’t need it is outdated and unhelpful I like to think of it as the ultimate sex toy, because whatever you’re doing, a good dollop of lubrication is guaranteed to change and heighten the sensation. If you’re not using it, what are you doing? And if you are, try using even more.

Believe in the importance of solo sex Masturbation is a space to indulge in your own pleasure and explore new sensations. If you’re in a relationship, it’s easy to feel as if your sexuality is tied to your partner, but it exists in its own right. Investing time to explore this on your own is a way of claiming agency over your pleasure. Plus, everything you learn can be communicated to lovers for better partnered sex.

Don’t sugarcoat the challenging stuff Sex doesn’t exist in a vacuum: stress, parenting duties, mental health, body image, all this and more can impact our ability to feel desire. There’s a lot of difficult, painful stuff we have to wade through, which we can’t shy away from. It may sound counterintuitive coming from a sex educator, but it’s OK not to feel sexual; desire ebbs and flows – please remember to be kind to yourself.

And here’s the biggie: stop thinking about how you should be having sex, and focus on what you want out of sex and pleasure Provided it’s consensual, there’s no wrong way to have sex. Throw the prescribed messages about what you should and shouldn’t be doing out of the window, and focus on having fun.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

High blood pressure may lead to sexual dysfunction in women

— Know how to deal with it

By: Arushi Bidhuri

If you have high blood pressure and experiencing troubles in your sex life, then you might want to see a doctor. Sexual dysfunction in women with hypertension is not as common as it is men. But it does affect women.

High blood pressure or hypertension is a silent disease that affects millions of people across the world. If left unnoticed, the high force of blood against the artery walls can damage blood vessels and lead to health problems.

Sexual Problems In Women With High Blood Pressure

The effects of high blood pressure in women are still under investigation. But some studies have suggested that hypertension can lead to sexual dysfunction in women.

A study published in the West African Journal of Medicine examined the relationship between hypertension and female sexual functions of arousal, lubrication and orgasm. The researchers found that hypertension may produce female sexual dysfunction.

Another 2006 study reported that women with high blood pressure were twice as likely to experience sexual dysfunction to women who had normal BP. Fluctuating blood pressure is no treat either. It can also lead to sexual problems, which is why it is vital to manage blood pressure.

Experts say that the link between high blood pressure and sexual dysfunction is more complicated than imagined. But what is the link between hypertension and sexual health?

Hypertension constricts proper blood flow, which can lead to sexual dysfunction. Clitoris and vagina also need a decent blood supply, which helps you have an orgasm. With decreased blood flow due to hypertension, some women may experience a decrease in sexual desire or arousal, vaginal dryness, or find it difficult to achieve orgasm.

Women with high blood pressure may have lower libido and less interest in sex, especially if they feel tired due to the condition.

High Blood Pressure May Even Affect Female Fertility

Furthermore, studies have suggested that chronic hypertension can cause poor egg quality and lead to many health problems. A study published in the International Journal of Fertility & Sterility suggests that excess estrogen production in women with hypertension can lead to infertility.

What Can You Do To Manage High Blood Pressure

If you are suffering from hypertension and have sexual issues, then here are some strategies to help you take charge of your sex life by managing the condition.

Exercise

Regular exercise will not only improve your sex life but help you manage hypertension. It will reduce stress, improve flexibility and mitigate the risk of developing many other health problems.

Eat A Balanced Diet

Yes, eating healthy foods can lead to better sex life and improve libido. Eat nuts, berries, avocados, fruits, and green veggies to control hypertension and related disorders.

Cut Back On Alcohol And Smoking

Drinking too much alcohol and smoking can also contribute to hypertension, which can lead to sexual dysfunction. Avoid both to manage the symptoms.

Watch Your Waistline

Hypertension often increases as weight increases. Keeping your weight in check may help you manage your blood pressure levels and improve sexual performance.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

What Is Heteronormativity?

By S. Nicole Lane

Heteronormativity, predicated on the gender binary, is the belief that being heterosexual (which is attraction only to a different gender) is the only normal and natural sexual orientation. Since it is based on the conception that there are only two genders, heteronormativity does not accurately reflect the reality that gender exists on a spectrum and that attraction to only similar genders or to all genders exists and are normal.

Having heteronormative assumptions may lead people to misgender someone (referring to someone with the wrong pronouns).

Definition of Heteronormativity

Assuming Everyone Is Straight 

By assuming that someone is straight, you’re erasing their sexual identity. Saying that someone is going through a phase, especially for people who identify as bisexual or pansexual, can be harmful and demeaning because it erases such identities, contributing to a lack of civil rights protections and funding aimed to support such communities. One example of erasure is the Trump administration’s refusal to add questions about gender and sexual orientation in the 2020 Census, which determines allocation of federal funding. This shows how excluding people and denying they exist has material ramifications.

Being bisexual or pansexual means someone is attracted to all genders. Erasing people who identify with these orientations is harmful and hurtful.

According to a new survey, only 48% of Gen Z youths identify as straight, while 65% of millennials identified as straight.

Within heteronormativity are the prejudices of transphobia and homophobia. Transphobia refers to discrimination against transgender people, and homophobia is discrimination against people attracted to people with similar genders. By assuming that only being straight and cisgender (someone who aligns with the gender associated with their assigned sex at birth) is normal and that everyone identifies that way, heteronormativity reinforces transphobia and homophobia.

Assuming Someone’s Gender

Heteronormativity assumes that the gender associated with a person’s assigned sex at birth is how that person identifies. Think of gender reveal parties. Society decides what gender you are—what color your clothes, bedroom, and toys will be—before you’re even born. Not everyone identifies as the gender associated with their assigned sex at birth, however.

When a child is born, they are expected to perform heteronormativity. For example, playing with a truck or playing with a doll depending on your assigned gender may be enforced by your parents and how they view your gender. Skewing away from those norms may be worrisome for parents who adhere to heteronormativity. They may struggle with the idea of their son wanting to play dress-up in clothes associated with girls, or may be upset if their little girl wants a short haircut.

A 2020 study looked at 25,000 LGBTQ people between 13 and 25 years old in the United States, and found that transgender and nonbinary youths were incredibly at risk of depression and suicide. It’s imperative to nurture a child, no matter what their identity may be and how far it strays from heteronormative beliefs.

Assuming Sex Is One Way

Penis in vagina intersource—or PIV—is believed to be the only way to have a sexual intercourse for people who adhere to heteronormativity. This is, of course, false. People can have sex without a penis at all. Sex with one or more people with penises also does not have to involve any penetration. Also, cisgender gay men sometimes have penetrative anal sex. Having “normal” sex is seen as PIV sex, while all other forms of sex is considered “different” or “abnormal” in a heteronormative society.

Monogamy

Non-monogamous relationships are seen as existing outside of heteronormative relationships. Heteronormative people tend to believe in the security of monogamy (when a person is in a romantic or sexual relationship with only one person) and their idea that these types of relationships have more trust and communication. It’s not wrong to be monogamous, but it is harmful to believe monogamy is superior to non-monogamous practices.

Non-monogamy

Non-monogamy is an umbrella term for lifestyle choices that exist outside of the traditional monogamy framework. This may include polyamory, where people have several romantic partners, and an open relationship where people in a relationship are sexually involved with more than one person.

Reproduction is key for people who subscribe to heteronormativity and believe that marriage or long-term relationships should result in having a child. Their idea of a nuclear family includes children and a cisgender, heterosexual mother and father. People who aren’t married and aren’t having kids (and could be non-monogamous) are seen as “abnormal” by people who adhere to heteronormativity.

How to Combat Heteronormativity 

We can all take steps to combat the wrong beliefs of heteronormativity:

  • Work on being inclusive. Don’t assume someone’s gender or sexual orientation. Introduce yourself with your pronouns when meeting people to invite them to do so as well, and use gender neutral language to referring to people’s partners before you know about them
  • Be supportive of friends or family who are part of the LGBTQ community. Read up on resources and articles to educate yourself
  • Create a safe space for your friend or family. Make sure they feel like they are in an environment where they can be their authentic self

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Could Probiotics Improve Your Sex Life?

Unpacking the Gut-Sex Connection

by Gabrielle Kassel

What’s the short answer?

Yes. Yes, probiotics have the potential to improve a person’s sex life.

Whether or not they have the potential to improve your sex life, however, depends on your current gut health and your sex life.

When we talk about gut health, we’re typically talking about the composition of the billions of bacteria, archaea, and fungi inside the gut.

This is known as the microbiome, and it affects all sorts of things that contribute to your interest in sex and overall sexual satisfaction.

Mood

Did you know that the majority (about 95 percent!) of serotonin — the happiness hormone — in the body is produced in the gut? Yep!

But for the optimal amount of serotonin to be produced, the gut has to be in tip-top shape. When the gut is in suboptimal health, your serotonin — and overall happiness — levels can dip.

And according to Dr. Anna Cabeca, triple-board certified OB-GYN and author of “The Hormone Fix”: “Low serotonin is associated with lower sex drives.”

Makes sense. Few of us are jonesing to do anything in the sack other than sleep when we’re sad.

Energy

Belly bacteria helps create B vitamins, which are essential for the production of ATP (science-talk for energy). Less B vitamins = less energy.

Plus, some of the bacteria communicate with other cells in charge of blood sugar regulation, says Anthony Thomas, PhD, nutrition researcher and director of scientific affairs with probiotic brand Jarrow Formulas.

If your gut bacteria gets out of whack, your blood sugar levels can crash more easily. This can lead to more — and longer lasting — energy dips.

So, that “too tired for sex” feeling? Well, it might be linked to your gut health in more ways than one.

Desire and arousal

Fun fact: Serotonin is found in the genitals. Seriously!

Some research suggests that when your serotonin levels dip, your physical response to sexual feelings dips, too.

Inflammation

“When our gut microbiome is unhealthy, it can lead to inflammation,” says Dr. William W. Li, a physician, scientist, and author of “Eat to Beat Disease: The New Science of How Your Body Can Heal Itself.”

Sadly, inflammation is quite the c*ck-block.

For example, some research has found that sexual health dysfunction is common among folks with inflammatory arthritis.

Let’s face it: It’s pretty damn hard to be in the mood to bone when you can’t leave the bathroom.

And there are certain gut conditions that cause bathroom troubles to rear their ugly heads. These include:

  • irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)
  • inflammatory bowel disease (IBD)
  • microscopic colitis
  • ulcerative colitis
  • celiac disease
  • Crohn’s disease

In addition to constipation and diarrhea, other common symptoms include:

  • nausea
  • vomiting
  • bloating
  • flatulence
  • fatigue
  • pain

Both the physical and emotional effects of these and other gastrointestinal (GI) conditions have the potential to affect your sex life.

The keyword here is potential.

If you’ve already received a diagnosis or suspect that your symptoms might be a sign of a GI condition, talk with a doctor or other healthcare provider about your concerns.

They can help you find the best management or treatment option for your individual symptoms or side effects.

By now you can probably tell that your microbiome is complicated. Well, so is your libido.

“Libido in general is very complicated and is impacted by many different things,” says Cabeca. “Hormones, lifestyle, and relational factors also have to be considered.”

So finding out if your libido fluctuations are related to your microbiome is similarly tricky. And no matter how well-intentioned, gut health mishaps can have a direct effect on your overall health.

Li recommends meeting a gastroenterologist, the medical specialist that focuses on the gut, if you’re experiencing any of the below symptoms:

  • brain fog
  • achy joints
  • diarrhea
  • constipation
  • shifts in mood
  • exhaustion
  • sleep disruption
  • sugar cravings
  • weight fluctuations

Note: That recommendation stands even if your libido isn’t funked up.

“A gastroenterologist will be able to recommend an endoscopy, colonoscopy, or a scan of your abdomen to find out what’s up,” explains Li.

“They also may be able to check your microbiome for abnormalities by sending a stool sample for testing,” he adds.

Please don’t self-diagnose your gut symptoms or libido mishaps. Why? Well, because they’re both incredibly complex.

Dr. Kimberly Langdon, OB-GYN and medical advisor at telehealth provider Medzino, notes that mental health conditions like depression are often linked with low libido.

In these cases, for example, trying to course correct at home without talking to a healthcare provider may mean delaying access to helpful medications or other necessary treatment.

Many GI conditions are characterized by dysbiosis, which is medical speak for an imbalance of bacteria in your gut.

If your provider has diagnosed dysbiosis, Li says that probiotics — helpful yeasts and bacteria often delivered via certain foods and supplements — may help.

A word of caution: Not all probiotics are created equal.

As a general rule, probiotics that are stored in the refrigerator are higher quality than those stored on the shelf.

Cabeca adds that Lactobacillus strains are typically better than others.

Bacterial imbalance has been linkedTrusted Source to increased inflammation, so it’s thought that probiotics may help alleviate symptoms associated with IBS, IBD, and other inflammatory conditions.

Probiotics may also be helpful for acute digestive conditions like gas, bloating, constipation, and diarrhea.

All that said, even if everything above sounds similar to your situation, you shouldn’t start or increase your probiotic intake without first talking with a doctor or other healthcare provider.

There are two good reasons for this:

  1. Oftentimes, probiotics aren’t enough to completely soothe your symptoms.
  2. And in some cases, starting a supplement or otherwise upping your probiotic intake can do more harm than good.

For example, “if someone has small intestinal bowel overgrowth, adding probiotics can worsen gas and other symptoms,” explains Cabeca.

If you’ve ever been probiotic shopping, you’ve likely stumbled across probiotics marketed for vaginas — they’re all the rage, after all.

According to Langdon, these probiotics typically contain higher levels of Lactobacillus. Some research suggests that Lactobacillus helps support a healthy vaginal pH, as well as keep other pathogens at bay.

Now, if you scroll back up to the previous section, you’ll notice that Lactobacillus is the strain of bacteria that’s best for both improving overall gut health and supporting vaginal health.

That’s why Li says, “it’s just a marketing ploy.” These probiotics are no different than any other probiotics on the market.

So… do probiotics marketed for your genitals actually work? If you have a condition that can be remedied by consuming more Lactobacillus, they may.

But don’t be tricked into thinking these probiotics are a one-stop solution for sexual dysfunction or the only option available.

Yep! In fact, there are quite a few things you should consider using in tandem — or even instead of, in some cases.

That’s because (again, for the people in the back!) gut and sexual health conditions aren’t quick-fix problems.

Monitor meds

The meds and antibiotics you’re on or have been on can affect your gut microbiome, explains Thomas.

It’s also widely known that antidepressant, antipsychotic, anti-epileptic, blood pressure, and cholesterol lowering meds can all impact sexual functioning.

That’s why Thomas recommends making sure your doctor knows what meds you’re currently taking so they can help you troubleshoot if need be.

Diet switcheroo

For gut conditions, most experts will recommend a diet shift, at least for a short period of time.

Cabeca, for example, recommends folks follow a “healthy elimination diet to better understand what foods lead to their gut unrest.” She also recommends incorporating gut-healing foods like bone broth and fermented veggies.

Move more

Regular exercise has been linkedTrusted Source with higher serotonin levels.

Given serotonin’s relationship to both your gut and sex life, if you’re currently on the sedentary side of things, moving your body more may be helpful.

If you have a condition that can be helped with a probiotic, Cabeca says, “often, you can see a significant improvement of symptoms after 21 days.”

And that includes symptoms related to your sex life.

Thomas, however, notes that probiotics need to be taken regularly. “Benefits may ease if supplementation is discontinued,” he adds.

Probiotics aren’t a one-size-fits-all treatment for all folks experiencing gut conditions or sexual dysfunction. But for some, they can be an incredibly beneficial part of a holistic treatment plan.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Sex vs. Gender

Sex is about biology, gender is about identity

By Elizabeth Boskey, PhD

Sex and gender are two different things. Sex is about a person’s biology. It describes their chromosomal make up, their hormones, and/or their anatomy. Gender, in contrast, describes a person’s understanding of themselves as male, female, or another gender entirely.

There is a misconception that there are only two sexes—male and female. The truth is more complicated. While most people’s biology fits into those categories, other people’s bodies exist on a spectrum between them.

Individuals whose bodies can not be definitively categorized as male or female may be described as being intersex, having intersex traits, or having differences or disorders of sexual differentiation.

In addition to sexual diversity, there is a growing awareness of gender diversity among humans. This reflects the increasing visibility of transgender individuals—those whose gender identity is not what would be expected for their assigned sex at birth.

Transgender individuals may have both binary and non-binary genders, and gender, like sex, exists on a spectrum. Intersex people may also identify as transgender or gender diverse.

Understanding Sex

The biology of sex starts with a discussion of chromosomes. There are two types of sex chromosomes—X and Y. Most people have two sex chromosomes, and those with two X chromosomes are usually female and those with an X and a Y are usually male.

However, some people have one sex chromosome or three sex chromosomes. They may be categorized as intersex or as endosex (binary male or female). In addition, some people have two chromosomes but some of the genes on one of the chromosomes may not function correctly. That can lead to someone being, for example, an XY woman.

The next major aspect of biology that determines a person’s sex is their hormones and hormone receptors. Exposure to androgens, such as testosterone, leads to the development of structures associated with male sex.

Lack of exposure to androgens, or ineffective exposure to androgens, leads to the development of structures associated with female sex. Ineffective exposure to androgens occurs when there is a problem with the proteins (androgen receptors) that respond to stimulation by those hormones. Lack of exposure to androgens occurs when the body does not make testosterone or DHT.

Finally, it’s important to note that the sex recorded on a person’s birth certificate isn’t about their chromosomes or their hormones, it’s about their anatomy. While most of the time individual’s anatomy is a reflection of their chromosomal make-up, that’s not always true. Sex is more complicated than just X and Y.

Understanding Gender

Gender describes a person’s understanding of themselves as male, female, or another gender. Most people’s genders are what would be expected for their recorded sex at birth, and people for who this is true are described as cisgender. Individuals whose gender is not what would be expected for their recorded sex at birth can be described as transgender or gender diverse.

As with sex, gender has a number of components. Most of the time when talking about someone’s gender, we are talking about their gender identity, which is described above. However, in addition to gender identity, people also have gender expression.

Gender expression describes the gendered ways people present themselves to the word. This may or may not be a reflection of their gender identity. For example, a cisgender woman with short hair who likes to wear tailored suits is still a woman. A transgender man with long hair is still a man.< Gender expression is highly culturally constructed. What is understood to be a male or female presentation depends a great deal on the place and time. There was a time when pink was thought to be too strong and masculine a color for women to wear.

Sex vs. Gender

To sum up, sex is about biology, but gender is about identity. Where sex and gender match, there is generally no need to intervene. Where there is a mismatch between sex and gender, individuals may choose to seek out care.

Healthcare When Sex Differs from Gender

Some individuals whose sex and gender do not match choose to seek out gender affirming medical treatment or surgical procedures in order to affirm their gender. The goal of gender affirming care is to relieve gender dysphoria, discomfort with a mismatch between a person’s body and their identity.

However, some people conceptualize gender affirming care as being a way to achieve gender euphoria—a sense of happiness and fulfillment in their gendered body.

Intersex Care: Consent and Controversy

Historically, doctors and parents have performed early surgeries on infants and young children with intersex traits in order to “normalize” the appearance of their genitalia.

This was often not discussed with children, even as they aged, and many intersex individuals were treated without being given any knowledge of their condition or allowed to make informed decisions about consent.

It was thought that making the child’s genitals appear to be clearly male or female would make it easier for them to live as healthy, happy young men or women. However, the foundational work that established this pattern of care later turned out to have been deeply problematic

The John/Joan Case

In the 1960s, a psychologist at Johns Hopkins University, John Money, encouraged the parents of a young boy to raise him as a girl after the child experienced devastating damage to his penis during a failed circumcision.

Surgery was performed to give the child female appearing genitalia, and he was given female hormones during puberty. The child never was told that he had been born male.

The early results from his case were used to justify hundreds or thousands of unnecessary surgeries on other children with intersex conditions or other genital differences. John Money said his case demonstrated hat it was only the way of rearing that affected a person’s gender identity, and medical practice changed accordingly.

Unfortunately, John Money was wrong. In his teen years, the child rejected the female identity he had been assigned. He eventually learned that he had been born male and started undergoing medical and surgical care to help his body reflect his gender identity and the sex he had been born in.

Sadly, he suffered from depression for much of his life and committed suicide in his 30s. Even more sadly, it took years longer before the medical establishment began to consider that genital surgeries on children might not be in their best interests.

There is a growing recognition that performing genital surgeries on intersex children is a violation of their human rights that can have devastating effects on their medical, physical, and sexual health throughout their lives.1.

In the United States, prestigious children’s hospitals such as Bostons Children’s Hospital and Lurie Children’s Hospital that have historically performed these surgeries have begun to stop offering some or all non-medically necessary procedures until patients can participate in their own care.

This represents an enormous step forward in respecting the right of children to have full, happy lives that include the possibility of healthy sexual function as adults.

However, some researchers, physicians, and parents still argue that having genitals that appear to be binary is more important to children’s lives and well-being than giving them the opportunity to make decisions about their course of care.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

10 Tips For Exploring Your Sexuality While You’re in a Monogamous Relationship

By Gabrielle Kassel

I’m bisexual and very outspoken about it on social media. As such, a lot of bicurious and bisexual folks slide into my DMs to ask for advice. The most common question I receive? “I think I might be bi…but I’m in a monogamous relationship. What should I do?” The implication being that many believe bisexual monogamy to be impossible, and that’s very much not the case.

In fact, not only is it entirely possible to explore your sexual identity while you’re in a relationship—it’s actually recommended. By suppressing this type of soul-searching necessary to feel self-actualized, you run the risk of not being able to be your fullest, most honest self within any relationship you have. And that’s a losing situation for you and any partners you may have, in any relationship structure. So, how can you go about the sexploration without putting your current monogamous union at risk? Keep reading for expert tips.

Below, experts share 10 strategies for exploring bisexual monogamy

1. Talk with your partner

If your partner isn’t aware of your desire to explore your sexuality, loop them in if you feel safe in doing so. Withholding information from your partner can intensify the anxiety that they may react poorly.

Beyond quelling nerves, sharing with your partner can actually improve intimacy and trust within your relationship, says Jesse Kahn, LCSW-R, CST, director and sex therapist at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in NYC. “This might be an opportunity for you two to have a larger conversation about desires, fantasies, and new ways of being sexual,” they say. And, who knows? Maybe your partner is also interested in exploring their own sexuality.

2. Ask yourself how important it is to you to hook up with people of other genders

To be clear, it’s absolutely possible to explore your sexuality and affirm your queerness within a monogamous relationship. “You definitely don’t need to go hook up with a bunch of people to explore your sexuality,” says Kahn. “You don’t have to have experiences with anyone of any gender in order to confidently declare that you are bisexual, or queer, or pansexual.”

“You don’t need to hook up with a bunch of people to explore your sexuality. You don’t have to have experiences with anyone of any gender in order to confidently declare that you are bisexual, or queer, or pansexual.” —sex therapist Jesse Kahn, LCSW-R

But, that doesn’t mean you can’t if you want to: “If you want to have experiences with people of genders different from your partner’s that is absolutely okay,” says Gabrielle Alexa Noel, bisexual advocate, founder of Bi Girls Club, and author of the forthcoming book, How To Live With the Internet and Not Let It Ruin Your Life. “It doesn’t make you selfish.” In this case, you do need to be honest with your partner about your desires so you can make a decision together about whether or not you’re going to open up your relationship or break up.

3. Open up your relationship

“If you and your partner mutually decide to open up the relationship, it’ll be important to move at a pace of exploration that is comfortable for you both,” says Luna Matatas, sexuality educator and creator of Peg the Patriarchy. “That means establishing clear boundaries around emotional and physical safety, determining how and how often you’re going to check in, and coming up with a game-plan to manage uncomfortable moments and feelings that are going to come up.”

To help you prepare for the difficulties of opening up a previously-closed partnership, she recommends hiring a queer-inclusive couples-therapist who specializes in non-monogamy. You could also read books together about opening your relationship.

4. Learn more about LGBTQ+ history

“Learning more about [LGBTQ+ history], is a great way to feel less alone and less isolated in your experience,” says Matatas. “It can also help put context into some of the shame or challenges or discomfort you might be experiencing by helping you understand the social location in history [of LGBTQ+ people] and how that still shapes a lot of our beliefs today. “

For bicurious folks, Kahn recommends giving @bihistory a follow on Instagram. As the account’s name suggests, its “sole purpose is to educate people about the history of bisexuality, bi communities, and queer activism.” Other LGBTQ+ history accounts to explore include: @blacklesbianarchives, @lesbianherstoryarchives, @h_e_r_s_t_o_r_y, @queerapalachia, and @LGBThistory.

5. Make queer friends

“Exploring queer community spaces in person and online, and making queer friends is another way to feel less alone in your budding queerness,” says Kahn. By using inclusive platforms—like the dating app Lex—you’ll meet folks who had similar experiences as you, which can help normalize what you’re feeling. Whether you’re looking for a bisexual reading group, queer friend to play Catan with, or more LGBTQ+ friends who work in your field, you can let other users know. You could also consult your local LGBTQ+ center, if you have one, for a list of upcoming LGBTQ+ events—whether digital or in person, if meeting up is a safe option for you.

6. Masturbate, masturbate, and masturbate some more

“Solo sex relieves all the pressures that can be associated with partnered sex and gives you space to play with your fantasies,” says Matatas. If while doing so, your mind wanders to the thought of you tasting your college roommate? Go with it! If you begin dreaming of strapping on for your hot, out co-worker? Dream on!

7. Flip on porn

From threesomes and group sex to strap-on sex and scissoring, Matatas recommends watching a wide variety of (paid) porn to see what intrigues you. “Enjoying queer porn doesn’t necessarily mean you’re queer,” says queer sex educator Andy Duran, education director for Good Vibrations. “But it may teach you about some sex acts you want to learn more about.”

But, since porn is entertainment, not education, learning how to make the sex acts you see a safe and pleasurable option to try in your real life may require asking Google or a sex educator.

8. Don’t forget about non-visual porn

Visual porn is great, but don’t snooze on audio and written erotica, either—both of which allow pleasure-seekers to fill in the blanks and envision themselves in a scene.

Given that so much audio and written erotica is also created by women and nonbinary folks for women and nonbinary folks, the resulting content tends to focus on the whole pleasure experience above climax.

9. Journal

“Journaling allows you to explore your queer sexuality and think about what that means to you,” says Kahn. They recommend the following journal prompts:

  1. What does it feel like when I say my identity out loud?
  2. What is the first thing that comes to mind when I say the word queer/bisexual/pansexual?
  3. Where in my body do I feel my queerness the most?
  4. How can I express my queerness in my sex life with my current partner?
  5. How can I celebrate my queerness with my friends? What about with my partner?
  6. What still feels distant and unknowable about my sexuality?
  7. If relevant, why am I having trouble connecting with my sexuality? What are my roadblocks?
  8. How did/does “straightness” show up in my life before beginning to explore my sexuality?
  9. How did/does compulsory heterosexuality influence the way my partner(s) and I behave around and toward one another?
  10. In what ways does exploring my sexuality feel healing to me?

10. Check out chat rooms

If it’s within the boundaries of your relationship with your partner, Matatas suggests diving into the wonderful world of chat rooms. From Chaturbate and Talk With Strangers to Instagram and Twitter DMs, chatting with strangers “can allow you to talk through and explore new sex acts than what you’re exploring with your partner,” says Matatas. Just be safe about it by making sure you don’t share any identifiable info with the folks on the other end.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Sales of sex toys have boomed during lockdown

– and people are getting kinkier than ever

By Grace Dean

  • Since the pandemic first hit, people round the world have been buying more sex toys as they stay at home.
  • And people have been choosing kinkier options than usual, UK sex toy retailer Ann Summers told Insider, with sales of BDSM and high-tech equipment up in 2020.
  • “It appears we’ve been using our extra time to escape reality and try out new things in the bedroom,” the retailer said.
  • Sales of sex dolls have risen in the US this year, but the apparel industry has taken a huge hit during the pandemic, and lingerie is no exception.

People have been buying more sex toys during 2020 – and the products are kinkier than before, too, with more people buying BDSM and high-tech equipment.

Online sales of sex toys in the UK more than doubled when the country first entered lockdown in April. And this demand stayed strong over the course of 2020, sales data from British sex toys and lingerie specialist Ann Summers shows.

“The UK has become kinkier and more adventurous, with more people than ever spicing up their sex lives by trying out BDSM products and anal sex,” Ann Summers said in a press release sent to Insider.

It sold nine times as many leatherette paddles for spanking in the week from November 26 as it did during the same week in 2020, and sales of spreader bars and ball gags & nipple clamps were up more than fourfold, too.

UK retail marketplace Love The Sales also noted that sales of bondage sets rose 97% and basque sets 101% from 2019 to 2020.

This interest in sexual experimentation during lockdown is reflected in what people have been googling in 2020. UK searches for “what is pegging in sex?” have seen a 250% increase, according to data from Google Trends, while “what is BDSM?” searches are up by 70%.

Ann Summers added: “2020 has been a difficult year for many and it appears we’ve been using our extra time to escape reality and try out new things in the bedroom.”

High-tech sex toys have dominated its sales this year, the company noted, with the thrusting g-spot rampant rabbit its best-selling sex toy of 2020. Sales of remote control sex toys have also risen, with sales of one product up eleven-fold year-on-year.

“It’s clear from this data that consumers are starting to favor sex toys that are smarter, more innovative, and more tech-focused in order to provide the kind of pleasure they want,” Ann Summers explained.

“For many, this isn’t always a realistic dildo design, so we’re seeing artistic, modern, simple, and abstract sex toy designs on the rise.”

Interest in anal sex also rocketed during 2020, Ann Summers said. The company’s Intro to Anal Kit was its best-selling anal sex product of 2020, suggesting that more people were trying it for the first time.

As well as trying different toys, couples have also been buying more games to spice up their sex lives during lockdown. Sales of Ann Summers’ Kama Sutra Sex Positions Cards were up 144% year-on-year during Black Friday week, while sales of its Monogamy Couples Board Game and 50 Days of Play Couples Game more than tripled.

Ann Summers added that “people in the UK who are missing the office this year may be turning to roleplay,” noting that Black Friday week sales of its Sexy Secretary outfit doubled in 2020. Its Santa dress was its 10th best-selling item during Black Friday week.

It isn’t just Brits that are buying more sex toys. Sex toy use in the US has grown 10% during the pandemic, according to a survey of 1,464 Americans by sex toy retailer Ella Paradis.

Some people are turning to other types of sex toys during the pandemic, too – including sex dolls.

The New York Post reported that Americans are buying more of the life-like dolls, with sales up 25% year-on-year, according to Silicon Wives owner Bryan Gill. The biggest spikes have been in New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago, and Dallas, he added.

Although sex toy sales are booming, the apparel industry has taken a huge hit during the pandemic, and lingerie is no exception.

Mintel predicts that underwear sales in the UK will drop by 12% this year, with sales of high-end lingerie especially affected because of the cancellation of formal events such as weddings and parties.

But some lingerie companies and boutiques have seen above-average sales during the pandemic as people focus on self-care and divert their budgets from outdoor clothing. Love The Sales told Insider that sales of lingerie were up 49% year-on-year across its brands – including a 118% rise in sales of babydoll sets.

Silk lingerie is selling better than other fabrics these days because it’s comfortable for working from home, one lingerie seller told Business Insider, and some companies have seen sales rise for other non-lingerie products, they say, such as loungewear and pajamas.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

The Best Sex Advice We Heard From Experts In 2020

by Kelly Gonsalves

Amid everything that’s happened this year, it’s possible sex wasn’t your top priority. But here at mbg, we believe intimacy can be a reprieve from the chaos—a source of much-needed relaxation, self-care, and pleasure. Below, here are some of the best tidbits of advice we received from our sexuality experts this year that you may have missed but will always be relevant when you’re ready for them.

Couples need more nonsexual touch.

“I often talk with the couples I work with about the importance of nonsexual touch in a relationship. It is okay to tickle each other, rub your partner’s back or simple sit close side-by-side. Those things are intimate but does not have to lead to sex. It is important for your partner to understand that every time you touch them, it is not always an invitation to jump your bones.”

—Kiaundra Jackson, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist

Remember that you’re in charge of your own arousal.

“Girls continue to be raised with the expectation that their experience of sexual arousal and desire lies in the hands of another. With very little reality-based, concrete sex education to be had in schools or homes, girls, and later, women, don’t always know the intricacies of their own bodies and how they work, what sensations mean or don’t mean, how their sensory and physical responses (or lack of responses) connect to lust, arousal, and love, and even simply what feels good and what doesn’t. If women don’t know these things about themselves and their bodies, how likely is it that a partner will?

Saddling your partner with a disproportionate amount of responsibility for your arousal can limit them and disempower you. It leaves you in a position where you’re dependent on another person for your own sexual engagement. I’m not saying people shouldn’t strive to get to know their partner’s sexuality and sexual preferences or that there’s no such thing as skilled lovemaking. I am saying that expecting your partner to arouse you can set up an all-or-nothing dynamic that blocks your own sexual desire. This expectation has as its subtext, ‘Either you know how to arouse me, or you don’t. If you don’t, we’re not a good match.’ This can lead you down the path of unrealistic hopes and erotic rescue fantasies.”

—Alicia Muñoz, LPC, couples therapist

If you masturbate frequently, mix up your masturbation method every now and then.

“If a person enjoys masturbating in a specific routinized way (e.g. always sitting in a chair, or to pornography, or with a tight fist) and only masturbates in that way, they may notice difficulty maintaining their erectile or reaching orgasm in partnered sex if it doesn’t mirror what they do when they’re alone. To avoid this potential risk, men can try switching things up every so often in their masturbation practice, and they also could add in some of their solo play activities to partnered sex! This could look like watching porn together, trying mutual masturbation, showing their partner how they like to be touched or guiding their hands, having sex in the places you masturbate, or starting with partnered play and then bringing themselves to orgasm in the way they usually do.”

—Shadeen Francis, LMFT, sex and relationship therapist

Have some type of sexual intimacy every 48 hours.

“Usually after doing some initial work with a couple, if both partners are open and willing, I will prescribe some form of sexual intimacy to be shared between the couple at least every 48 hours to speed up their reconnection.

That’s right: some kind of sexual intimacy, every 48 hours.

First of all, when I say ‘have sexual intimacy every 48 hours,’ I’m not talking about penis-in-vagina intercourse exclusively. It’s important for couples to expand their definition of sex to include other forms of sexual intimacy such as sensate touch, sensual massage, manual stimulation, and naked cuddling, just to name a few. There are many types of sexual touch that can be physically pleasurable, and all of it helps couples foster more intimacy and connection.”

—Sara Sloan, Ph.D. LMFT-A, sex therapist

Recognize the link between emotional and sexual intimacy in relationships.

“Emotional intimacy is being able to share your feelings. Being emotionally intimate with another person means being vulnerable and knowing that you’re not going to be hurt by them. This ability to share your emotions, outlook, and feelings grows your connection as a couple.

Sexual intimacy is being able to connect sexually with your partner in an emotionally and physically safe way. Sexual intimacy improves when two people can openly discuss needs, wants, or desires, creating a safe space where both individuals can communicate their physical and sexual needs without being judged.

When you get your emotional needs met and feel emotionally connected to your partner (that is, you have emotional intimacy), then you’re often more able and willing to connect sexually. In other words, emotional intimacy often bolsters sexual intimacy.”

—Kristie Overstreet, Ph.D., LPCC, LMHC, CST, clinical sexologist and psychotherapist

Having a sexual health provider you really trust matters—especially for Black women.

“Sexual communication is not only vital to sexual relationships; it is essential for doctor-patient relationships. Meeting with health care professionals for preventive care and to discuss sexual health concerns leads to a better sex life. Unfortunately, much of Black history in America stems from elements of slavery that has affected several generations. Medical experimentation on Black bodies is not just a thing of the past, and that history comes with understandable mistrust of information and treatment from medical providers. Throughout history, Black women have endured medical mistreatment and tend to feel as if they are unseen and unheard.

More than ever, Black women need access to quality sexual health care and, more importantly, a trusted medical provider. They deserve to feel like their sexual health care experiences are provided in a confidential, respectful, and nonjudgmental manner.”

—Ashley Townes, Ph.D., MPH, epidemiologist

If you open yourself to it, you can access orgasmic energy even without physical touch.

“The basic idea behind the energy orgasm is that we all have this potent stream of Eros within us, this sexual, creative, life force energy flowing and animating our being at all times. This flow is literally available to us continuously, but unfortunately, it’s currently not socially acceptable to fall into an orgasmic swoon in public at any time of the day or night, so we generally hold our energy systems kind of tightly and keep our minds firmly in control of the situation.

Due to a variety of factors, the vast majority of people only know how to access orgasmic energy when their genitals are being stimulated, with some requiring greater levels of stimulation than others to get to that place of energetic expansion and flow. (For some it is still frustratingly difficult to access orgasmic energy even with physical stimulation, possibly because the mind is stubbornly clinging on too tightly. This could be due to past traumas, feeling unsafe in one’s body, the presence of physical pain, negative social conditioning or shame around sexual pleasure, unhelpful belief systems or patterns regarding one’s sexuality, or any number of challenges.)

An energy orgasm can also be called a ‘mind-gasm’ because you only have to ‘let go’ of your mind in a particular way to allow the power of this orgasmic flow to come through. You could say that most people may only ‘let’ themselves access it during genital stimulation, but once you know it’s possible to connect with this energy without direct physical contact, it becomes vastly more available to you.”

—Leslie Grace, R.N., registered nurse and certified tantra educator

“For couples who might be struggling with sexual intimacy but feel connected in other areas of the relationship, I recommend scheduling sex. Yes, I said schedule sex.

This doesn’t mean what you might be thinking it means. And it doesn’t make sex less spontaneous. Scheduling sex is a way to show your partner that you want to prioritize sex just as you do other areas of importance in your life. Scheduling sex doesn’t mean that your sex life will run on a schedule like, every Tuesday, at 8 p.m., in the missionary position, for 6 minutes. No, not like that.

Sometimes scheduling sex is telling your partner to be naked when you get home.”

—Shamyra Howard, LCSW, sex therapist

Reject the narratives about what you “should” be doing with life after 40.

“When you feel trapped in a box, you don’t want to have sex. Truly making love is generative, free, expressive, and creative. It’s a dance that takes place in an open field, not a dark tunnel. Love cannot be confined within walls. Trying to do so makes it die.

This observation points to one of the key findings of my research and perhaps the most important ‘secret.’ It’s not aging that causes our sex lives to decline. It’s the feeling, conscious or subconscious, that we are trapped.

This is why women of all ages invariably have a spike in libido when they start a new relationship and why having a deep spiritual understanding (of something bigger than ourselves) is associated with a better sex life. The truth is we are not and never were trapped. We put ourselves in a prison but forget we hold the key. Outside those walls is a world of infinite possibility.

As I talked with the sexually woke, this theme came up over and over again. These women did not complain about aging; rather, they appreciated their newfound wisdom and freedom and universally described this as the best time of their lives.”

—Susan Hardwick-Smith, MD, OB-GYN

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!