Q: My boyfriend and I have been trying to have sex and we have been struggling. We have tried three times. I have never had sex before and we haven’t been able to get penetration, it’s very painful. I believe I have PTSD because I associate sex with an abusive past relationship. I love my boyfriend and I want to be able to be with him in that way. I just feel like something is wrong with me and I have been struggling.
—M, 19
A: Like many traumas, the aftermath of an abusive relationship can be disorienting, uneven, and at times excruciating. It might last years. Revelations will come in fits and starts, hiding for a while then flooding into your brain unexpectedly. You’ll likely feel relief and even bursts of exhilaration, but flashes of the darkest memories may come back at the most inopportune times…such as when you’re trying to be intimate with a person you love, with whom you very much want to be close.
You have a great self-awareness about the lingering fallout of your relationship, regardless of the root of the physical pain you’re experiencing. While I can’t diagnose you, physical pain can indeed be caused by emotional pain, and your inability to have penetrative sex may very well be connected to your past traumas. This means that your brain might be sending signals to your muscles—including your pelvic floor muscles that control contractions in your vaginal opening—to shut down danger, even if you’re genuinely doing something you want to be doing.
Sex or relationship trauma “can insidiously disrupt one’s boundaries and can create some mental confusion,” says Gretchen Blycker, a licensed mental health counselor who focuses on sexuality and sexual trauma. “When there’s an unhealthy relationship and the dynamics are harmful, it can create hyper-vigilance.” Even after that relationship is over, “the body seeks out signals of harm and can have a triggered reaction.”
But first thing’s first: Have you scheduled a physical exam with your gyno? That’s what Dr. Meera Shah, fellow with Physicians for Reproductive Health, does first when a patient reports this type of pain, “in case it is something physical, to make sure that their external and internal genitalia are healthy,” she says. That means checking for infections or a possible hymen abnormality. During the exam, Dr. Shah will stay attuned to the patient’s reactions while gently trying to insert a finger into the vagina (never a speculum at first!), if the patient agrees.
“If somebody really tenses up or really gets uncomfortable,” she says, “it may be something like vaginismus,” a condition that causes involuntary, often painful contraction of vaginal muscles when penetration is attempted.
Frankly, we don’t understand a whole lot about the causes of vaginismus, but many therapists and medical professionals connect it to emotional trauma. Vaginismus is most often associated with any type of penetration, not just penile, so Dr. Shah will talk to her patient about masturbation: “Are you able to explore your body alone, and if yes, what does that look like for you? Do you use toys or their hands, does it feel good to you, are you able to have pleasure that way?” (Also: Do you use tampons?) This gives clues as to whether any type of penetration causes your pelvic floor to tense up, or whether it’s a reaction that happens most when you’re with a partner.
Regardless of whether you have vaginismus (and again, make an appointment with a doctor before self-diagnosing), it’s definitely a good idea to talk to your boo before any fooling around takes place. You absolutely have the right to set boundaries and establish ground rules. Ask him to listen, to be patient and reassuring, to ask permission during each step. If you haven’t already, it might be a good idea to share your suspicion that your pain is connected to a past relationship.
And be gentle with yourself, too. Remember that there’s nothing “wrong” with you. “Sometimes with an abusive relationship there can be an internalization of a harshness towards oneself,” says Blycker. Writer Carmen Maria Machado’s “vestigial trauma” from a toxic relationship caused her to “catch myself thinking in a way that I could tell [my abuser] was shaping, from the past. Which was really disturbing.” The goal is to recognize that kind of thinking, and reshape it.
When it comes to the actual sex, try slowing down. Think of other ways to explore one another’s bodies before going straight for the p-in-v. “Sex” could really mean anything, from touching each other to using your hands or mouth to masturbating side by side. Maybe put anything vulva-related aside for now. If you’re feeling anxious about sex—whether it’s from past trauma or just overall nerves or some combo of the two—you need to give your body and mind a chance to build up trust with your partner.
There are also things you can try alone. Dr. Shah has suggested vaginal dilators to her vaginismus patients. And it’s a good idea to practice relaxation and being present, even when you’re just touching yourself in private. Blyther recommends closing your eyes during sex or masturbation and imagining a “place where you felt enveloped and warmed and loved.” Or it could be as simple as remembering to breathe.
And even if you do end up being able to have pain-free sex with your boyfriend, I’d still recommend talking to a therapist or counselor about your abusive relationship. Healing and processing is always necessary — whether or not it stands in the way of your sex life.
Has your sex life taken something of a nosedive in recent months? It’s likely, at this point in lockdown, that the answer is yes, since the majority of us fall into one of two camps: those who have been unable to see (or meet new) sexual partners; and those who have now been inseparable from the apple of their eye for a little bit too long. Throw in the stress and anxiety caused by current events, and it’s no wonder our libidos are feeling the effect. Research has shown that not only are we having sex less in lockdown, the quality of the sex we are having is lower.
So as lockdown restrictions start to ease, what can we do to spice up our sex lives? Here, Mia Sabat, sex therapist at Emjoy, offers her expert advice.
Try listening to audio erotica
Tapping into our senses is an excellent way to address a flagging sex drive, and Sabat recommends audio erotica to help revive the libido, stimulate the mind and reconnect with your own – and your partner’s – sexuality. “One of its primary functions is to appeal to the body’s most important, and often neglected, sex organ: the brain,” she says. “Research has actually shown that listening to erotica can be one of the most successful practices women can utilise to achieve sexual satisfaction.”
Unlike pornography, which tends to cater to a male audience and focuses on the visual side of sex, audio erotica delivers the script via sound, encouraging our imaginations to go wild. “It’s great for couples because, when listening, each individual can engage with their own fantasies, preferences and turn-ons, while still connecting over the same storyline or narrative, as they act out the story that is being told.” Sabat says. Emjoy is but one of an array of audio erotica apps that offers guided sessions to get you started.
Consider the kind of pornography you watch
Since many forms of pornography are created with a male viewer in mind, it’s a good idea to look for erotica that is being made by women, for women, and that appeals to both sexes. “The story you watch is so important when choosing any form of erotica,” says Sabat. “And because of this I recommend women engage with porn that is going to engage their mind first and foremost, so that their pleasure, preferences and fantasies are able to come to life. By engaging with less conventional and more creative forms of pornography, individuals are better able to cultivate their sexual energy, because it allows people to connect their brains to their sexual desires more tangibly.”
Experiment with touch
Consider incorporating touching “rules” to up the ante on your intimate time together. “You may want to lie together, listening to an audio story, with a no-hands policy in place,” suggests Sabat. “Equally, you might be curious about experimenting with mutual masturbation. My best advice is to let the story build heat and tension between you and your partner and to enjoy that feeling – the mind is so powerful!”
Schedule sex
It may sound a bit, well, unsexy, but making plans for intimacy can actually ensure you look forward to and enjoy precious time together: “Not only will you both feel mounting excitement by looking forward to it throughout the day, but you’ll both feel less on edge, knowing what to expect. Use this dedicated day or hour as a special time for intimacy, exploration and play, and engage with one another’s pleasures,” says Sabat.
Masturbate and explore yourself
“It’s important to remember every sexual experience begins within ourselves, and masturbation embodies this journey. Beyond stimulating our sex drive, self-pleasure allows us to connect with our minds and bodies within a context we often aren’t able to explore,” says Sabat. “It can help us really focus on what we enjoy, without worrying about anyone else, and this can be excellent for both our own wellbeing and our sex life as a whole.” Getting to know our bodies allows us to understand what makes us tick, what doesn’t, and importantly makes us better able to communicate what we want and need, with confidence.
It is not enough to say that we advocate for “culturally responsive” sex ed. We have to show that our sex education is as honest about racism as it is on any other topic.
Providing high quality sex education that reflects the experiences of Black students, and other students of color, is key.
It is not enough to say that we advocate for “culturally responsive” sex ed. We have to show that our sex education is as honest about racism as it is on any other topic.
Those of us who work in the field of sex education are no strangers to having difficult conversations. We have made great strides in orchestrating effective discussions around topics of sex, sexuality, and gender among parents, policymakers, educators, advocates, and young people. However, there is one topic that we all need to work to better address within sex education: race.
In response to the #MeToo movement, many leaders in the field jumped into action. We worked hard to advance and uplift necessary conversations and share resources on issues of consent and sexual violence. We were vocal in saying that if we could teach more young people, earlier on, about the dynamics of sexual violence, we could shift our country’s culture to better address the epidemic itself.
Today, as nationwide Black Lives Matter protests continue, leaders in the sex education field, including my organization SIECUS: Sex Ed for Social Change, need to respond just as loudly and clearly to racial injustice. We need to do our part to honor George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, Tony McDade, and the many other Black lives taken by police violence and white supremacy.
At SIECUS, we believe that sex education can, and should, advance racial justice. We have followed the lead of trailblazing groups and advocates, like the Women of Color Sexual Health Network (WOCSHN), to advocate for sex education to be taught through a racial justice lens. We have joined our partners within the Future of Sex Education Initiative to update and incorporate this approach into national sex education standards. But, still, we have so much more work to do.
This field is committed to ensuring that young people receive the information and skills they need to ensure their own lifelong health and well-being. Many of us regularly demand that sex ed include the experiences of LGBTQ+ youth. It is critical we do the same for Black youth.
“So how can we do better? How do we, as a field, work harder to advance racial justice through sex education?”
-Christine Soyong Harley
White supremacy touches every aspect of our history, culture, and institutions in the United States. Persistent racialized and sexualized stereotypes of Black people and other people of color are often used to justify the most regressive and harmful laws and policies that govern our country—from public assistance program requirements, to our criminal justice system, to our institutions of education.
Our history of racial injustice is intimately connected to longstanding myths that demonize and denigrate Black and other people of color’s sexuality and reproduction. We cannot pretend that these myths aren’t central to white supremacist debates of who is or is not a human being; of who can or cannot be an American; of who does or does not deserve to live.
So how can we do better? How do we, as a field, work harder to advance racial justice through sex education?
Providing high quality sex education that reflects the experiences of Black students, and other students of color, is key. Just as importantly, we must speak out against the harmful abstinence-only programs that our young people continue to receive. Federally funded abstinence-only grants often target low-income school districts, which are more likely to be filled with Black students. These shame-based programs, also called “sexual risk avoidance” are ineffective at achieving their own goals. Recently, these programs have started to center success sequencing, a theory that actively perpetuates racist stereotypes and assumptions.
It is not enough to say that Black people and other people of color are high risk groups for negative sexual health outcomes like HIV and other sexually transmitted infections (STIs). We need to also discuss the racist institutional failures behind such statistics. We must train sex educators to name and discuss how racism has affected our medical and educational institutions. From our country’s awful history of eugenics to present-day Black maternal mortality rates, there are countless examples of the powerful and damaging role that racism plays in Black and other people of color’s access to quality sexual and reproductive health-care services and information.
Our efforts to advance racial justice in sex education must also go beyond the content that students receive. We need to address the racism that exists within our mostly white-led field, too. It is past time we look inward to ask, who is leading sex ed organizations? Who sits on their boards? Who makes the decisions? And we must follow the lead of Black youth. That cannot be overstated. No one knows more about ensuring their health and well-being than Black people themselves.
We know that we have a lot of work to do at SIECUS. And we urge our colleagues and fellow advocates to join us in taking urgent and imperative steps to advance racial justice in sex education. To start, we can all vow to:
Ensure that our advocacy efforts center around providing sex education funding and resources to communities that are predominantly made up of Black students and other students of color—not just white, wealthy communities.
Promote sex education instruction and individual curricula that include the experiences of Black students and other students of color.
Urge sex educators to discuss racism and how it has shaped disparate access to health care and information for Black people and other communities of color.
Make space for Black sex educators, advocates, and experts to hold leadership positions within our movement, our organizations, and our schools.
Continue these efforts to advance racial justice regularly—not just in times of crisis. When protests die down and the headlines fade, this work must continue.
As we mourn for George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, Tony McDade, and the many, many other Black lives that have been taken by racism and hate, we commit to working harder to show up for Black people in both our work and in our lives.
It is not enough to say that we advocate for “culturally responsive” sex ed. We have to show that our sex education is as honest, accurate, and complete on racism as it is on any other topic.
In the contemporary moment of sex-positive feminism, praises for the orgasmic capacity of the vibrator abound. “They’re all-encompassing, a blanket of electricity, that’ll course through your veins, producing orgasms you didn’t know you were physically capable of having,” wrote Erica Moen in her web comic “Oh Joy Sex Toy.” Vibrators today go hand in hand with masturbation and female sexuality.
Yet for American housewives in the 1930s, the vibrator looked like any other household appliance: a nonsexual new electric technology that could run on the same universal motor as their kitchen mixers and vacuum cleaners. Before small motors became cheap to produce, manufacturers sold a single motor base with separate attachments for a range of household activities, from sanding wood to drying hair, or healing the body with electrical vibrations.
In my research on the medical history of electricity, vibrators appear alongside galvanic battery belts and quack electrotherapies as one of many quirky home cures of the early 20th century.
Vibrating for health
The first electro-mechanical vibrator was a device called a “percuteur” invented by British physician Joseph Mortimer Granville in the late 1870s or early 1880s. Granville thought that vibration powered the human nervous system, and he developed the percuteur as a medical device for stimulating ailing nerves.
Current medical opinion held that hysteria was a nervous disease, yet Granville refused to treat female patients, “simply because I do not want to be hoodwinked… by the vagaries of the hysterical state.” The vibrator began as a therapy for men only. It then quickly left the sphere of mainstream medical practice.
By the early 20th century, manufacturers were selling vibrators as ordinary electric household appliances. The merits of electricity in the home were not as obvious then as they are today: Electricity was dangerous and expensive, but it promised excitement and modernity. Electric commodities, like sewing and washing machines, became the hallmarks of the rising middle class.
Vibrators were another shiny new technology, used to sell consumers on the prospect of modern electric living. Just as banks handed out free toasters for opening checking accounts in the 1960s, in the 1940s the Rural Electrification Administration distributed free vibrators to encourage farmers to electrify their homes. These modern electric devices were not thought of as sex toys.
Vibrating snake oil
In what may sound surprising to 21st-century readers, these appliances promised relief of a nonsexual variety. Users of all ages vibrated just about every body part, without sexual intent.
A 1913 advertisement for the White Cross Electric Vibrator in the New-York Tribune.
Vibrators made housework easier by soothing the pains of tired housewives, calming the cries of sick children and invigorating the bodies of modern working men. They were applied to tired backs and sore feet, but also the throat, to cure laryngitis; the nose, to relieve sinus pressure; and everything in between. Vibration promised to calm the stomachs of colicky babies, and to stimulate hair growth in balding men. It was even thought to help heal broken bones.
A 1910 advertisement in the New York Tribune declared that “Vibration Banishes Disease As the Sun Banishes Mist.” In 1912, the Hamilton Beach “New-Life” vibrator came with a 300-page instructional guide titled “Health and How to Get It,” offering a cure for everything from obesity and appendicitis to tuberculosis and vertigo.
As such advertisements suggest, vibrators were not standard medical treatments, but medical quackery, alternative medicine that didn’t deliver on their promises. Yet the electrical cure-alls sold by the millions.
The classic form of medical quackery in the U.S. market was patent medicine – basically useless concoctions made mainly of alcohol and morphine, sometimes containing downright damaging ingredients like lead and arsenic. After the passage of the Pure Food and Drug Act in 1906, the federal government began regulating the sale of patent medicines.
Vibrators and other electrotherapies were not covered by the new law, so they took up the market share of older medical concoctions. The White Cross Vibrator replaced Mrs. Winslow’s Soothing Syrup as a popular home cure rejected by the medical establishment.
In 1915, the Journal of the American Medical Association wrote that the “vibrator business is a delusion and a snare. If it has any effect it is psychology.” The business was dangerous not because it was obscene, but because it was bad medicine. The potential, acknowledged by doctors, for the vibrator to be used in masturbation was just further evidence of its quackery.
The Shelton vibrator’s motor head with various attachments, made by General Electric in the early 20th century.
A cure for masturbatory illness
Sex toy scholar Hallie Lieberman points out that nearly every vibrator company in the early 20th century offered phallic attachments that “would have been considered obscene if sold as dildos.” Presented instead as rectal or vaginal dilators, these devices were supposed to cure hemorrhoids, constipation, vaginitis, cervicitis and other illnesses localized to the genitals and the anus. Hamilton Beach, for example, offered a “special rectal applicator” for “an additional cost of $1.50,” and recommended its use in the treatment of “Impotence,” “Piles—Hemorrhoids” and “Rectal Diseases.”
The two most prominent scholars of vibrator history, Rachel Maines and Hallie Lieberman, argue that vibrators were always secretly sexual, but I disagree. Vibrators were popular medical devices. One of many medical uses of the vibrator was to cure diseases of sexual dysfunction. And this use was a selling point, not a secret, during an era of anti-masturbatory rhetoric.
Special vibrator attachments like the rectal applicator offered dubious treatments for dubious diseases: remedies for ailments purportedly caused by “ruinous and prevalent masturbation.”
Masturbation was thought to cause diseases like impotence in men and hysteria in women. Masturbatory illness was a pretty standard idea in the early 20th century. One of its surviving formulations is the idea that masturbating will make you go blind.
There’s no way to really know how people were using vibrators. But the evidence suggests that they signified medical treatment, not sinful masturbation, regardless of the use. Even if users were doing physical actions that people today think of as masturbation, they didn’t understand themselves to be masturbating, and therefore they weren’t masturbating.
By 1980, vibrators had been rebranded in the public imagination.
Rethinking the vibrator’s history
For most of the 20th century, vibrators remained innocuous quackery. Good Housekeeping even bestowed its seal of approval on some models in the 1950s. When the sexual revolution hit America in the 1960s, vibrators were largely forgotten, outdated appliances.
In the 1970s radical feminists transformed the vibrator from a relic of bygone domesticity to a tool of female sexual liberation. At Betty Dodson’s bodysex workshops, electric vibrations changed “feelings of guilt about masturbation to feelings of celebration so that masturbation became an act of self-love.” She and her sisters embraced vibrators as a political technology that could convert frigid anorgasmic housewives into powerful sexual beings capable both of having multiple orgasms and destroying the patriarchy.
This masturbatory revolt erased the vibrator’s fading reputation as a cure for masturbatory illness and replaced it with a specific, powerful, public and lasting linkage between the vibrator and female masturbatory practice.
In the winter of 1915, a German soldier died in a field hospital in Russia. We don’t know his name, but he helped revolutionize the way people advocated for gay rights.
German infantrymen aim machine guns from a trench near the Vistula River in 1916.
By Laurie Marhoefer
One of the World War I’s most enduring legacies is largely forgotten: It sparked the modern gay rights movement.
Gay soldiers who survived the bloodletting returned home convinced their governments owed them something – full citizenship. Especially in Germany, where gay rights already had a tenuous footing, they formed new organizations to advocate in public for their rights.
Though the movement that called itself “homosexual emancipation” began in the 19th century, my research and that of historian Jason Crouthamel shows that the war turned the 19th-century movement into gay rights as we know it today.
A death in Russia
In the winter of 1915, a German soldier died in a field hospital in Russia. The soldier, whose name is missing from the historical record, had been hit in the lower body by shrapnel when his trench came under bombardment. Four of his comrades risked their lives to carry him to the rear. There, he lay for weeks, wracked by pain in the mangled leg and desperately thirsty. But what troubled him most was loneliness. He sent letters to his boyfriend whenever he could manage it.
“I crave a decent mouthful of fresh water, of which there isn’t any here,” he wrote in his final letter. “There is absolutely nothing to read; please, do send newspapers. But above all, write very soon.”
This soldier, who had to keep his relationship hidden from those around him, was just one of the approximately two million German men killed in World War I. His suffering is not unlike what many others experienced. What his loved ones made of that suffering, however, was different, and had enormous consequences.
His boyfriend, identified in surviving documents only as “S.,” watched the man he loved go off to serve in a war that he did not fully endorse, only to die alone and in pain as S. sat helplessly by hundreds of miles away. S. told their story in a letter to the Scientific Humanitarian Committee, which published it in April 1916.
The Scientific Humanitarian Committee was then the world’s leading homosexual emancipation group, boasting a membership of about 100 people. The soldier’s story took a cruel twist at its very end: S.‘s loving replies were lost in the chaos of the war and never reached the soldier.
“He died without any contact from me,” S. wrote.
Demanding the rights of citizens
After the war, many believed the slaughter had been for nothing. But S. saw a lesson in his partner’s suffering and death.
“He has lost his bright life … for the Fatherland,” wrote S. That Fatherland had a law on the books that banned sex between men. But the sodomy law was just the tip of the iceberg: S. and men like him generally could not reveal their love relationships in public, or even to family members. Homosexuality meant the loss of one’s job, social ostracism, the risk of blackmail and perhaps criminal prosecution.
S. called it “deplorable” that “good citizens,” soldiers willing to die for their country, had to endure the status of “pariahs.” “People who are by nature orientated toward the same sex … do their duty,” he wrote. “It is finally time that the state treated them like they treat the state.”
A new phase of gay rights
A magazine put out by the League for Human Rights in 1930.
Many veterans agreed with S. When the war ended, they took action. They formed new, larger groups, including one called the League for Human Rights that drew 100,000 members.
In addition, as I argue in my book, the rhetoric of gay rights changed. The prewar movement had focused on using science to prove that homosexuality was natural. But people like S., people who had made tremendous sacrifices in the name of citizenship, now insisted that their government had an obligation to them regardless of what biology might say about their sexuality.
They left science behind. They went directly to a set of demands that characterizes gay rights to this day – that gay people are upstanding citizens and deserve to have their rights respected. “The state must recognize the full citizenship rights of inverts,” or homosexuals, an activist wrote in the year after the war. He demanded not just the repeal of the sodomy law, but the opening of government jobs to known homosexuals – a radical idea at the time, and one that would remain far out of reach for many decades.
Respectable citizens
Ideas of citizenship led activists to emphasize what historians call “respectability.” Respectability consisted of one’s prestige as a correctly behaving, middle-class person, in contrast to supposedly disreputable people such as prostitutes. Throughout the 20th century, gay rights groups struggled for the right to serve openly in the military, a hallmark of respectability. With some exceptions, they shied away from radical calls to utterly remake society’s rules about sex and gender. They instead emphasized what good citizens they were.
In 1929, a speaker for the League for Human Rights told an audience at a dance hall, “we do not ask for equal rights, we demand equal rights!” It was, ironically, the ghastly violence and horrible human toll of the World War I that first inspired such assertive calls, calls that characterized gay rights movements around the world in the 20th century.
It would take nearly a century for these activists to achieve one of their central goals – the repeal of sodomy laws. Germany enjoyed a 14-year period of democracy after World War I, but the Nazis came to power in 1933 and used the sodomy law to murder thousands of men. A version of the law remained in force until the 1990s. The United States struck down its sodomy laws only in 2003.
If you are worried that you finish too quickly in bed, you are not alone – around 1 in 3 men in the US report having issues with premature ejaculation. It’s unclear why this happens, but scientists think it’s a combination of psychological and biological factors.
If you aren’t able to have sex for as long as you would like, there are several strategies that can help
How long does the average person last during sex?
The adult film industry often depicts sex going on for hours, which can give a false idea of how long sex should last, says Jamin Brahmbhatt, MD, a urologist at the PUR clinic.
According to a 2005 study conducted across 5 countries, vaginal sex generally lasts for around 5 to 6 minutes.
However, there’s no correct amount of time for sex to last and it’s up to you and your partner to decide what works best.
Why you might not be lasting as long as you want to
It’s common for men to finish too quickly once in a while, but if you nearly always ejaculate after less than a minute of sex, you may be diagnosed with premature ejaculation.
Psychology: Though the exact cause is not well known, “there are definitely psychological aspects to premature ejaculation,” Brahmbhatt says. Studies show that anxiety, particularly anxiety about your sexual performance, is linked to premature ejaculation. Feeling depressed, stressed out, or guilty can also make you more likely to finish quickly. Men may also experience premature ejaculation at higher rates if they have poor body image or are victims of sexual abuse.
Experience: Your level of sexual experience can also affect how long you last in bed. “Men may also climax faster if they are not having sex often or this is their first time engaging in any sexual activity,” Brahmbatt says.
High amounts of free testosterone: Studies show that men with premature ejaculation tend to have higher levels of free testosterone, which can lead to symptoms like loss of energy and low sex drive. . However, scientists say that more research is needed to determine why this is the case.
Hyperthyroidism: Premature ejaculation can also be caused by hyperthyroidism, a condition in which the thyroid gland in your neck produces too much of a hormone called thyroxine. Researchers aren’t sure why thyroid issues affect your sex stamina, but after being treated for hypothyroidism, men are much less likely to experience premature ejaculation.
How to last longer during sex
If you are struggling with finishing too early, here are a five things you can do that may help.
1. Condoms
Since premature ejaculation may be a result of hypersensitivity, using a condom is a simple solution that may make sex last longer. The condom forms a barrier around the penis that dulls sensation and may lead to delayed ejaculation.
2. The pause-squeeze method
The pause-squeeze method can be done while having sex or masturbating and involves:
Having sex until you feel that you are about to ejaculate.
And finally, continuing to have sex and repeating the technique as needed.
“They theory is you stop the flow, let the penis rest, and then go back at it to increase your time, Brahmbatt says.”
Brahmbatt says that this can be one of the more difficult treatments for premature ejaculation because it takes a lot of self-control. Practicing repeatedly and communicating clearly with your partner may help ease the process.
Over time, you may be able to train your body to delay ejaculation without using the squeeze maneuver.
3. Pelvic floor exercises
Your pelvic floor muscles lie just below your prostate and your rectum and just like other muscles, they can be strengthened through exercise. Experts believe that if pelvic floor muscles are too weak, it may be harder for you to delay your ejaculation.
To flex your pelvic floor muscles, act as if you are trying to stop yourself from peeing or passing gas and feel which muscles move. To tone these muscles, you should follow these steps:
Tighten the pelvic floor muscles – you can lie down or sit if this makes it easier.
Hold the muscles taut for 3 seconds.
Relax the muscles for 3 seconds.
Repeat the exercise as many times as needed.
See here for a more comprehensive guide to kegel exercises for both men and women.
If you are still struggling with finishing too early, your healthcare provider can help you or refer you to another expert healthcare provider, since there are also some medications or procedures that you might benefit from.
4. Numbing medications
Numbing medications use ingredients like lidocaine and prilocaine, which work by blocking the nerve signals that make you feel pleasure and pain. These medications generally come as creams or sprays and when they are applied to your penis, you will have decreased sensitivity, and are approved for use in premature ejaculation.
Numbing creams or sprays should be applied to the penis 20 to 30 minutes before sex. Because sexual pleasure will feel less intense, you may be able to delay your ejaculation.
There are some drawbacks to this method, however, as the medication can also decrease your partner’s sensitivity to pleasure. “Make sure your partner knows you are using it — as a heads up and also to make sure they don’t have a history or allergic reaction or problem with its use,” Brahmbatt says.
5. Viagra
Though sildenafil (Viagra) is usually prescribed to treat people who have trouble keeping an erection, research shows that it can help with premature ejaculation as well.
A 2007 study found that Viagra worked well to delay ejaculation and was more effective than the stop-squeeze technique. At the end of the study, 87 percent of subjects using Viagra said they wanted to continue this treatment, compared with 45 percent of subjects using stop and squeeze.
Premature ejaculation is a common condition but it can cause difficulties in your sex life or relationships. If none of these methods work to help you last longer in bed, contact your doctor to help you come up with the most appropriate treatment plan.
Ask a roomful of men in their 60s whether they have any kind of sexual dysfunction — such as problems with erections, sex drive and overall satisfaction — and about 60 percent should raise their hand, studies suggest. They probably won’t, since the topic is fraught with stigma, shame and fear of rejection, but statistically they are likely to be a part of this unhappy club.
That’s cold comfort to people like me, because I would have to — if I were to be honest — raise my own hand.
I didn’t have to wait until I was 60, though, to join the club. I got in about 35 years ago as a side effect of cancer surgery. Picture me then, sitting on a cold examination table at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center in New York, in a hospital gown that didn’t cover my backside. Having just confirmed my testicular cancer diagnosis, the oncologist went on to tell me about a common side effect called “retrograde, or dry, ejaculation,” in which things don’t flow where they should during sex — instead of exiting my body, semen would flow into my bladder. He did assure me that it wouldn’t diminish my sexual pleasure.
I was 26 at the time, and I felt completely alone. Sexual dysfunction isn’t usually considered a young man’s issue, and this was long before there were online support groups for every disease known to humankind.
My oncologist’s prediction didn’t matter much because I entered a years-long period of celibacy in which I tried to get comfortable with my “new normal.” At the time, I was less confident in myself and didn’t have the language to explain my condition.
“For many of these treatments, whether it’s surgery or radiation and whether it’s prostate cancer or bladder cancer, about 85 percent of men will report some difficulty with erections,” says Christian Nelson, chief of the psychiatry service at Memorial Sloan Kettering. “The most prominent sexual dysfunction we see related to those treatments are difficulty with erections, or erectile dysfunction.”
Nelson wasn’t surprised to learn I had been celibate for a number of years after surgery. He has learned that when things don’t work as they should for many men, “there’s upset and sometimes shame . . . that can lead to avoidance.” His practice helps guys identify and use the medications and penile injections that will “help them re-engage sexually, re-engage in dating, re-engage in intimacy.”
But you don’t need cancer treatment to get into the sexual dysfunction club. Admission can be granted through smoking, diabetes or hypertension, but mainly through growing older, says Brant Inman, the co-director of Duke Prostate and Urologic Cancer Center who has studied male sexual function.
His study found that erectile dysfunction hit 2 percent of men ages 40 to 50, 6 percent ages 50 to 60, 17 percent ages 60 to 70 and nearly 40 percent ages 70 and older. A Canadian study showed even higher rates among all age groups.
Inman says that for men under 40, erectile dysfunction is more commonly caused by psychological issues (anxiety, depression, stress), while for older men it is more likely caused by “vascular, impaired blood flow to the penis.”
I spoke with several men for this column, all of whom asked me not to use their names for privacy reasons. One of them, a 60-year-old art dealer from Manhattan, told me he hasn’t been able to achieve an erection for years, which he finds “incredibly frustrating and embarrassing.” He says he tells partners that it is because of his meds, which it may well be (he has taken antidepressantsthat can have sexual effects). One partner told him, “it’s not the destination that’s important. It’s the journey” — a gentle acceptance that, as he put it, helped him to relax.
A 45-year-old advertising executive said he was too embarrassed to talk to his doctor about erection problems that had begun to plague him and instead bought Cialis and Viagra from a friend. The Cialis helped somewhat, but he still couldn’t reach orgasm — and even then, he wasn’t comfortable talking to his doctor, especially after having obtained his drugs through a murky way.
Inman says he understands the embarrassment, but asked, rhetorically, “Would you buy your cholesterol or blood pressure lowering medication from a street vendor?” Of course not, he says, because you can’t be sure of the dosage (milligrams of active agent) or quality (active agent vs. filler), which could be dangerous.
It’s not just with doctors, however, that full disclosure can be fraught for men experiencing sexual dysfunction. When and how to tell a partner feels like a big issue, one I faced as a young man. Before undressing? Post-intimacy? It depends, Nelson says.
It’s certainly easy enough to take a pill without telling your partner, he says, but if performance is unpredictable or for other types of treatment, such as injections to help with an erection, it’s dicier.
“I certainly have some men who haven’t told new partners that they use injections,” he says. “They step into a bathroom, inject, and 10 minutes later they engage in sexual relations.” But he recommends a discussion beforehand when someone plans to use an injection so there are no last-minute surprises
Sometimes, being frank about your own sexual dysfunction leads to a discovery that you’re not the only one. That’s what happened to me with a man I dated for a while. After we had gotten to know each other, he told me he’d had radical prostate cancer surgery and needed injections to have sex. This led me to talk about my own condition. The result was a deeper level of intimacy — and less anxiety.
Recently, after a divorce, I reentered the dating pool and discovered I was no longer so alone in terms of sexual issues. My anecdotal evidence with guys my age or older indicates many are challenged by some form of sexual dysfunction, some minor (slower to get going) some more serious, needing medical intervention.
“People are just afraid” to talk about many of these issues, including doctors, Inman says. It’s important to try to destigmatize the issue. Indeed, it’s still a delicate subject, and someone has to raise his hand to start the talking.
If you’ve ever wondered why it feels so freakin’ good to walk around your house naked, it could be because you’re an exhibitionist. Don’t get me wrong: I recognize that you don’t have to identify this way in order to just fully embrace a braless moment. But feeding off of your S.O.’s attention while you parade around without any clothes on is definitely trudging toward exhibitionist territory.
But if the term “exhibitionist” makes you feel icky, it’s probably because you’ve never heard of it in the sexy context we’re using it. Unfortunately, there’s the other side to exhibitionism that’s the non-consensual mental condition “characterized by the compulsion to display one’s genitals in public” (which is both disturbing and illegal), but that’s not what we’re talking about today.
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Today, we’re talking about the sexy, consensual side of exhibitionism that can be used to amplify your sex life, libido, and orgasms. So allow me to explain everything to know about this v common fantasy and kink because, hey, you’re probably already more of an exhibitionist than you think.
What is exhibitionism?
For those of you who already love being the center of attention and thrive off of other people’s attention, it’s possible “being an exhibitionist is already a skill you possess—even if you haven’t brought it directly into a sexual situation,” says Good Vibrations sexologist Carol Queen, author of Exhibitionism for the Shy.
In a sexual context, “exhibitionism is a sexual kink in which the person feels sexual arousal at the idea or reality of being seen naked or engaged in sexual activities by others,” says clinical sexologist Sarah Melancon, sexuality and relationship expert for SexToyCollective.com. (Like, maybe you’re really into the thought of someone watching you while you masturbate).
Another way of looking at it is “the desire to reveal one’s physical attributes in a sexually alluring or suggestive manner,” says clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly. “In general, exhibitionism involves revealing body parts that are normally covered or obscured by clothing in accord with societal norms.”
Oh, and btw: It’s pretty common. According to research conducted by psychologist Justin Lehmiller, 81 percent of men and 84 percent of women have “experienced sexual arousal at the thought of public sex”—which, you guessed it, is one of the many indicators you could have an exhibitionist kink.
How is exhibitionism different from voyeurism?
The two go hand-in-hand. “A voyeur is someone who feels sexual arousal by watching someone else nude or doing sexual activities. The fantasy of exhibitionism requires a voyeur—it is a relationship between the “see-er” and the “see-ee,” says Melancon. So while you don’t necessarily need a partner to consider yourself a voyeur or exhibitionist, the two kind of thrive off of each other’s pleasures.
What would make someone an exhibitionist?
Remember, there’s no need or reason to identify your pleasure if you’re comfortable with not identifying it at all. But if you’re curious if you are an exhibitionist, here are some things that could mean you enjoy this type of kink.
You love…
Sharing nude photos with your partner while they’re at work.
Encouraging your partner to go shopping for lingerie with you.
Engaging in public sex where you could potentially be caught.
Engaging in public sex at a sex club where watching is encouraged.
Inviting a third person over to watch you have sex and/or masturbate.
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Okay, how do I incorporate consensual exhibitionism into the bedroom?
“Build your comfort with being seen by practicing alone—dirty-dancing in the mirror, watching yourself as you masturbate, experimenting with whatever garments feel sexy for you,” says Queen. “Getting a sense of your own pleasure in showing off is key to really enjoying it with a person watching.”
Now, once you have that down, here are some tangible, practical ways to ignite your sexual prowess, according to licensed psychologist Margarida Rafael, resident relationship and sex expert at AdorePassion.ca:
Videotape yourself masturbating and share it with your partner.
Surprise your partner when they get home from work by walking out naked to greet them.
Have sex in public places that don’t break the law—like, a bathroom at a friend’s house.
Engage in sexual activities against a window, in your swimming pool, and in your balcony.
From Virginia Woolf’s Orlando and James Baldwin’s Giovanni’s Room to Alice Walker’s Pulitzer Prize-winning The Color Purple and Ocean Vuong’s 2019 debut — the queer literary landscape is vibrant, expansive and ready to be explored.
The history of queer literature is a long one. From Greek poet Sappho to Irish playwright Oscar Wilde, many writers have approached the challenges and pleasures of the LGBTQ+ experience with great depth and imagination. This hasn’t always been an easy endeavour; often, it’s been a history read in gaps and implied meaning, with obstructions for those depicting the nuances of sexuality and gender identity without censure. Thankfully, this has slowly changed, and the queer literary landscape is now both vibrant and expansive.
In fact, this list of 13 queer classics offers just a handful of the books that could have been chosen. For every inclusion, there is another notable absence. E.M. Forster, Ali Smith, Audre Lorde, Christopher Isherwood and numerous other novelists aren’t listed here, but have all written fantastic fiction that has helped both shape and pluralise the stories that now make up a queer canon. Think of these suggestions as a starting point — a handful of bold and brilliant books perfect for picking up at any time, with lots more to discover when all is read and done.
‘Giovanni’s Room’ by James Baldwin (1956)
Giovanni’s Room condenses an incredible sweep of emotion into its scant length. Detailing the fraught relationship between American David and Italian bartender Giovanni, the former narrates the tale of their time together over a night leading “to the most terrible morning of my life”. This terrible morning, we soon discover, marks the day of Giovanni’s execution. With this looming, David recounts the trials and tumult of their love affair, and, in doing so, sketches a complex portrait of masculinity at war with itself. It is an astonishingly vivid novel, grappling not only with the heady contours of desire, but also the disturbing consequences of shame and self-loathing.
‘The Line of Beauty’ by Alan Hollinghurst (2004)
Nick Guest has left university and summer is in full swing. Living in the Notting Hill house of an affluent school friend whose father is a Conservative politician, the book opens with Margaret Thatcher’s second election victory in 1983 and skilfully interlaces questions of politics, class, and sex. At first, Nick’s sexuality is largely hidden from the upper-class world he drifts into — with trysts in gated gardens and behind closed doors. But as time passes and the AIDS crisis develops, this no longer becomes possible. Taking aim at the hollow allure of wealth and the moral vacuum of Thatcher’s rule, Hollinghurst’s novel is sumptuous and increasingly sombre.
‘Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit’ by Jeanette Winterson (1985)
“People like to separate storytelling which is not fact from history which is fact. They do this so they know what to believe and what not to believe.” Jeanette Winterson’s debut, rooted in her own experiences of growing up as a lesbian in a Pentecostal adopted family, is structured around the religious texts that permeate protagonist Jeanette’s upbringing. Delving into what happens when the expected narratives — both theological and personal — are rejected, Winterson’s voice is fresh, startling, and funny. It’s a brilliant novel, illuminating the consequences of a devout and claustrophobic mother, and an institution that punishes nascent love with cruelty. For a follow-up, try Winterson’s 2011 memoir, Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal?.
‘Orlando’ by Virginia Woolf (1928)
Some novels are dialogues with difficult questions. Others aim to capture a particular history: cultural, collective, individual. A few are love letters. Orlando is all of the above. Inspired by and written for the magnetic, imposing Vita Sackville-West, with whom Virginia Woolf had a long affair, it follows the titular protagonist through three centuries of history, several romantic liaisons, one gender switch, and a very lengthy poetic project. It is a giddy read, full of humour and warmth as well as searching examinations of gender, sexuality, power and artistic process.
‘Paul Takes The Form of a Mortal Girl’ by Andrea Lawlor (2017)
What would happen if you transplanted Orlando to 1993 and added dozens more explicit sex scenes? The result would possibly look something like Andrea Lawlor’s Paul Takes The Form of a Mortal Girl. This raucous novel follows the adventures of Paul — also known as Polly — whose body is malleable, metamorphic, and endlessly hungry for pleasure. Able to physically transform at will, Paul revels in the sexual and romantic possibilities offered by numerous adjustments in face, height, torso, genitals, and more. Slipping between guises and identities, the polymorphous Paul offers a lucid look at trans identity — as playful as it is serious.
‘Dancer From The Dance’ by Andrew Holleran (1978)
Holleran’s book — dubbed ‘The Gay Great Gatsby’ — takes its title from a Yeats poem. It reads: “O body swayed to music, O brightening glance / How can we know the dancer from the dance?” It’s an apt reference, given the book’s preoccupation with observation, as well as the physical intimacies and distances found in a social whirl. Set in New York in a pre-AIDS era, Holleran brilliantly captures a generation of men for whom hedonism is never-ending, while desire, loneliness, and a restless wish for love continually jostle.
‘The Color Purple’ by Alice Walker (1982)
A devastating, but ultimately hopeful narrative told in a series of letters from protagonist Celie to God and her sister Nettie, Alice Walker won the Pulitzer Prize for The Color Purple in 1983. Detailing the stark realities of abuse, misogyny, and racism in rural Georgia, Walker’s novel offers both a damning indictment of institutionalised and culturally encoded oppression, and the tremendous potential found in reclaiming one’s life for oneself. With the introduction of blues singer Shug Avery, it also becomes a love story — one in which pleasure and passion is reciprocated, and female solidarity provides great solace.
‘Carol’ by Patricia Highsmith (1952)
Published under the pseudonym “Claire Morgan”, the formerly titled The Price of Salt swiftly became a runaway hit. Inspired by a “blondish” woman in a mink coat who had made her feel “odd and swimmy in the head” while working at Macy’s (and influenced too by her relationship with heiress Virginia Kent Catherwood), Highsmith conjured a love story full of erotic charge. Documenting the unfolding relationship between 19-year-old Therese and thirtysomething Carol, it is a crisply observed story in which desire simmers and the constrictions of nuclear family life are stifling. At the time, it was praised for its open-ended suggestion of a happy future. In recent years, it’s enjoyed a renaissance thanks to Todd Haynes’ stylish film.
‘On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous’ by Ocean Vuong (2019)
Language, lust, addiction and inherited trauma coalesce in Ocean Vuong’s debut. Written in the form of a letter from a son to a mother who can’t read it, Vuong combines the precision and lyricism of his poetry with the varied forms of intimacy that exist between lovers, between parent and child, and between the ill and well. Growing up with a Vietnamese mother and grandmother for whom war and violence have left deep imprints, the novel’s speaker Little Dog approaches the question of survival with searching intensity. Combining fragmented memories of childhood with an account of his first troubled love — Trevor, the 16-year-old son of a tobacco farmer — Vuong’s narrative of growing up gay and escaping is tender and heartbreaking.
‘America is Not the Heart’ by Elaine Castillo (2018)
Hero goes by several names. Named Geronima De Vera, in the Philippines she is known as Nimang. But on arrival in Milpitas, near San Francisco, her seven-year-old niece dubs her Hero. It’s a nickname both uneasy and fitting for a woman whose life has taken several distinct turns, from a wealthy upbringing, to a decade as a doctor in the New People’s Army, to two years of torture, to a new beginning in the US. Arriving with broken thumbs and a brittle exterior, Hero’s affections unravel slowly. Castillo’s book is sprawling and energetic: sharp in its interrogations of language, immigration, and class, and bold-hearted in its depiction of Hero’s frank, unsentimental approach to sex and love — with things complicated and transformed by local beautician Rosalyn.
‘Stone Butch Blues’ by Leslie Feinberg (1993)
“The law said we needed to be wearing three pieces of women’s clothing. We never switched clothing. Neither did our drag queen sisters. We knew, and so did you, what was coming. We needed our sleeves rolled up, our hair slicked back, in order to live through it.” Leslie Feinberg’s novel is a blistering and incisive depiction of lesbian and trans experience. Exploring the life of Jess Goldberg, a working-class gender-queer butch lesbian growing up in 1950s Buffalo before moving to New York, Feinberg sheds light on horrific police brutality and queer networks of community and care, and asks what it means (and what it takes) to resist.
‘Under the Udala Trees’ by Chinelo Okparanta (2015)
In 2014, Nigeria’s then-President Goodluck Jonathan signed the Same-Sex Marriage Prohibition Act with incredibly serious sanctions ranging from imprisonment to death. This sobering fact forms the author’s endnote in Chinelo Okparanta’s moving, sparingly written novel. A coming-of-age tale taking place against the backdrop of the Nigerian civil war, it focuses on a young Igbo woman named Ijeoma who struggles to reconcile faith, family, and her sexuality. Coming to terms with being a lesbian in a culture hostile to homosexuality, Okparanta skilfully weaves between resignation and revelation — unstinting in her focus on the horrors of both war and deep prejudice, while offering a fragile note of hope.
‘After The Parade’ by Lori Ostlund (2015)
As Aaron Englund leaves his older partner after 20 years, his life packed up in the back of a truck, the past constantly infiltrates his chosen future. Relocating to San Francisco, disturbing recollections from childhood mingle with examinations of his time with Walter — a quiet, ordered man who wished “to serve as benefactor to Aaron’s wishes and ambitions, and so bind Aaron to him.” In breaking free of all that has tethered him, Aaron finds room to unravel a complex web of trauma and loss. After The Parade is a stunningly written book, deft in its understanding of love and alienation.
This month, you will probably be hearing a lot about one very spectacular celebration: June is Pride Month, and communities across the world will be celebrating.
As a parent, you might also be wondering how to navigate the month with your kids, and you might be extra curious about how you can raise your children to be LGBTQ+ allies if they’re growing up in a heterosexual home.
If you’re nodding along, trust: I get it! My son’s dad and I are both straight, and our self-identified genders correspond with the biological sex we were born with. We are huge allies of the LBGTQ+ community and have so many friends we love and cherish who are part of it.
As such, it’s been really important to us that our son is a fierce ally and friend to this community and really to everyone who isn’t bigoted.
If you don’t have friends who identify as part of the LGBTQ+ community, it might feel extra hard to figure out how to have a conversation about being an ally with your child. After all, one of the best ways to foster empathy is to know and love the people you are empathizing with. With that in mind, I thought it would be helpful to put together a list of ideas and resources for heterosexual parents who are hoping to raise LGBTQ+ allies.
1. Have honest conversations about sexuality early.
My first tip is this: Start talking about sexuality, gender identity, and sexual preference early in your child’s life. And I really do mean early: There are totally board books for babies that cover these topics and ideas. The earlier you normalize the many ways people live and love on this planet, the easier it is. Once you get started, I think you’ll be amazed by how little of a big deal this has to be.
For example, a lot of us already have built-in expectations about gender identity and gender performance due to how we have been socialized, so you can start by examining the ideas you already have and believe. Then identify the areas where you need more growth and learning. From there, find the words that you’re comfortable using with your kids.
Tip: Keep in mind that LGBTQ+ is about way more than just being gay or straight. The community encompasses a huge range of sexual expressions and preferences, and it’s important to give all of them equal weight.
2. Recognize that your children might also be LGBTQ+.
While you’re learning and having these conversations, realize that your own children might actually be part of the LBGTQ+ community, or they might not know if they are and be interested in exploring it. You don’t want to talk about all of this as if it’s something that is distant and removed from your own family. It’s normal and healthy for your kids to explore sexual identity and preference, and if they feel safe and supported in their home (and are raised loving this community of people), then they’ll feel like they can talk to you about those explorations and questions.
Plus, they’ll never have to doubt whether or not you love them.
3. Challenge gender and sex-based stereotypes all the time.
If there is one thing I know about myself, it is that I am relentless. A friend recently asked me how often we talk about racism with our 11-year-old son. I told my friend every single day. They were surprised, but when I explained that either someone we love experiences racism every day, or there’s a story in the news, or we watch or read something and racism is present in it, it started to make sense.
We also talk about other -isms every single day, such as sexism and ableism. We talk about bigotry and anti-LGBTQ+ attitudes and beliefs every day. These aren’t always big, scary conversations about subjects and events that are hard. In fact, more often than not, we’re having celebratory chats.
It can be tempting to only bring up these topics when the news “forces” us too, but I found that deliberately making it part of everything that we do in a day eventually made it come quite naturally.
4. Know and love LGBTQ+ people in your life.
I am absolutely not saying you need to run outside and find the first LGBTQ+ person you see and make them your new best friend, because that would be rude and gross. What I am saying is that if the only LGBTQ+ representation your kids get is from a book or TV, then that’s not really good enough. I know some people truly do live in very homogenous towns, but a lot of us live in diverse cities and communities and, either on purpose or without realizing it, self-choose to be distant from others who we don’t immediately identify as like us.
If you really don’t have any friends who are LGBTQ+ and you’re doing the work to learn to be an ally yourself, I suggest volunteering with an organization that supports LGBTQ+ people in your community as a good way to get to know the people you’re pledging your time to learn more about.
5. Celebrate diversity in your home in obvious ways.
And finally: I always remind myself that, as much as I would love for him to, my child does not learn through osmosis. I can’t assume he will be a kind, gentle person who is a friend and ally just because I want him to be one, or because I believe I am raising him to be “a good person.” The idea of “a good person” is so general that it’s hard to even know what I might mean — and I am sure that how I define “a good person” is not the same definition another family uses.
Celebrating diversity in your home isn’t too hard. Go to events, go to rallies. Support communities that need your support. Make sure your kids see all sides of the LBGTQ+ spectrum — don’t only bring up stories of pain and oppression; bring up stories of love and joy, too. Everything from the books you introduce to the media you consume to the people you spend time with will impact your children.
And on that final note: If your family and friends are bigoted and homophobic, your kids will see it. If you’re really the ally you want to be, then you absolutely have to speak up and educate the people you allow your children to be around. Otherwise, you’ll be little more than a walking contradiction, and your kids will respond accordingly. It can be tough to have hard conversations, but if you’re armed with the right mix of knowledge, facts, and empathy, you can do it. Lives are on the line, so really … you have to.
Elana Arian and Julia Cadrain, a same-sex couple in Brooklyn, recently fought about a hat.
OK, it wasn’t really about the hat. (It never is.)
Cadrain likes things tidy. Really tidy. To the point where it annoys her entire family.
“I put things away while they’re still using them,” she admitted.
So when Cadrain found one of Arian’s favorite hats lying around, she promptly scooped it up, but neglected to store it properly. Arian later discovered her hat had accidentally been crushed.
“I was irrationally so angry about that,” Arian said.
They took a long walk, and had an honest, calm conversation. Soon, they realized that Arian’s frustration was actually about something deeper.
“One of the things that came up was this stress that we’re both under as a result of the quarantine,” Cadrain, 37, said. The couple is caring for their 9-month-old daughter while also guiding their 7-year-old daughter through distance learning. Arian, 39, a freelance musician, is working much less than she typically would. They had each been coping with this in different ways.
“It feels like a very lesbian way to fight. There’s definitely never any yelling. There’s no voice-raising,” Cadrain said. “It’s more kind of tense and quiet and sort of process heavy.”
But is there really a lesbian way to fight? Or a way to address conflict that is specific to gay men? While there is not much research to draw from, the studies that do exist suggest that, on average, same-sex couples resolve conflict more constructively than different-sex couples, and with less animosity.
There are always exceptions, and even the healthiest of gay couples are not continually basking in a rainbow-hued utopia. They have problems just like everyone else.
If they did not, “I’d be out of business,” said Rick Miller, a psychotherapist in Boston who works with gay and straight couples.
Likewise, it is unfair to lump all straight couples together, and disingenuous to suggest that they are not capable of arguing in a healthy way.
But because male and female same-sex couples each have different strengths that help them endure, we can all learn from them, Miller said.
Here are some constructive methods to handle disagreements, as observed by researchers of gay couples:
Rave cited a recent car trip where Forrest, 35, used humor to help end an escalating argument over whether they should rely on Google Maps.
“For me, as a general rule, I self-admittedly will get very much in my head. And David will just simply take the piss out of it and make me laugh,” Rave said.
A 2003 study compared 40 same-sex couples with 40 heterosexual couples over the course of 12 years to learn what makes same-sex relationships succeed or fail. The findings suggested that same-sex couples tended to be more positive when bringing up a disagreement and were also more likely to remain positive after a disagreement when compared to heterosexual couples.
“Gay and lesbian couples were gentler in raising issues, far less defensive, and used more humor than heterosexual partners,” said John M. Gottman, Ph.D., the lead author of the study and co-founder of the Gottman Institute, an organization that provides resources, like workshops and online courses, to help couples strengthen relationships and offers professional training to clinicians. “These were large differences.”
Stay calm
If you find that your heart is pounding during an argument, take a break, said Julie S. Gottman, Ph.D., co-founder and president of the Gottman Institute.
“During the time when you’re apart don’t think about the fight. Instead, practice something self-soothing, like reading a book, something distracting so that your body can calm down,” she said.
But if you need to leave, you should always say when you are going to come back and rejoin the conversation, she said, adding that the minimum amount of time away should be 30 minutes and the maximum should be 24 hours.
Gay men were less likely to go into fight-or-flight mode when they were in conflict, said the Gottmans, who are married, and they also reach resolutions more quickly than different-sex couples.
Treating your partner with respect is always important, but especially during an argument when you might say things you’ll later regret. When you’re heart is racing, “all you perceive is attack, no matter what your partner is saying,” Dr. Julie Gottman said.
And that’s exactly why Rave and Forrest try to end an argument quickly.
“Life is too short to have everything be so dramatic,” Rave said.
A 2018 study suggested that when members of a same-sex couple try to influence one another, they are more likely to offer encouragement and praise rather than criticism or lectures when compared to different-sex couples.
Be mindful of each other’s emotional needs
Unlike gay men, women who are married to women are “constantly monitoring each other’s emotions and needs and responding to them — but they are doing it for each other, so it’s reciprocated,” said Debra Umberson, Ph.D., a professor of sociology and the director of the Population Research Center at the University of Texas at Austin.
Two men, in contrast, do less monitoring, which is less labor-intensive.
“They’re on the same page about it,” said Dr. Umberson, who has studied gay couples for more than a decade. Two men will tell each other what they need or speak up when there is an issue.
If a couple has similar philosophies about emotional monitoring, there is less potential for conflict between them, Dr. Umberson said.
In heterosexual couples, women are the ones who tend to do emotional monitoring and responding, but the men tend to be unaware of it and often are not doing it, she added — and that can negatively affect the couple by making them feel more frustrated, worried, irritable or upset.
Dr. Umberson’s latest study, published in May, examined the psychological toll of providing for the emotional needs of a spouse. The researchers found that the well-being of women married to women seemed to be affected less by the work of assessing and managing each other’s emotions than that of women married to men. Earlier research suggests this could be because lesbians are more reciprocal in taking care of a spouse’s emotional needs and also have a greater appreciation for doing so.
Strive for equality in your relationship
Same-sex couples do not have traditional societal roles defining which tasks each member of the couple ought to perform at home or how they ought to relate to one another, which allows them to create their own dynamic.
Straight couples should negotiate and discuss things more, Cadrain suggested, and “don’t presume certain roles or jobs in terms of who is the breadwinner or how the household is taken care of.”
Although Arian cannot remember the last time she made the bed, she has other responsibilities, like being the chef of the family — or as Cadrain calls her, “C.E.O. of the food and the nourishment.” And because Arian was a teacher for many years, she is responsible for distance learning and staying on top of their 7-year-old’s schooling.
They do not typically fight about chores, the couple said, because they try to divide them based on what they like to do best or which of them is best positioned to complete a task.
“I suspect that has to do with gender roles not being present,” Arian said.
In heterosexual couples, researchers have found more of a power difference between members of the couple than among same-sex couples, Dr. John Gottman said.
“The same-sex couples we studied were very aware to try to make the power relationships more equal between them,” he said.
And if members of a same-sex couple disagree, they are more likely to listen to one another’s point of view, he added.
The Gottmans’ 2019 study, an assessment of more than 40,000 couples worldwide who were about to begin couples therapy, found that same-sex couples have a better quality of intimacy and friendship in their relationships.
Recognize and appreciate your differences
Each person brings their own baggage and their own way of looking at the world, Miller said.
“Really appreciating those differences and similarities and figuring out how to deal with it together — that’s what makes a healthy couple. And that goes across all borders, groups and genders,” he added.
Cadrain and Arian, for example, said they tried to be mindful of each other’s different communication styles.
“I tend to kind of under-communicate when I’m upset,” said Arian, who said she has a temper but often becomes restrained and terse during arguments. “I’m not proud of it.”
Cadrain, however, likes to talk things out — sometimes before Arian is ready. Simply being aware of their differences helps them manage conflicts when they arise.
Rave and Forrest are also different in a lot of ways: Forrest likes to go out and be social; Rave is more of a homebody. This has been a point of contention in their relationship.
“Allowing space for the person to be themselves is so important, and not shaming that person into what you want them to be,” Forrest said.
Finally, when thinking about your differences, try not to focus too much on the negative.
“Look for what your partner is doing right rather than always looking for what your partner is doing wrong,” Dr. Julie Gottman said.
They say the mind is the biggest, most powerful sex organ in the body. But, uh, don’t try visualizing that mental image too vividly or literally, unless you’re into that sorta thing?
Instead, imagine your favorite fictional crush pressing you up against a wall, or think back to the hottest sex you ever had in your life. Now stop imagining, because this magical place where all your desires are possible and acceptable exists. And literally anyone can tap into it.
While sexual fantasies are by definition not “real,” their effects on your sex life (especially when explored during masturbation) are — shall we say — palpably physical.
“Engaging your imagination rather than relying on visual porn for example helps to build, enhance and strengthen your erotic mind,” said Dr. Britney Blair, co-founder and Chief Science Officer of the sexual wellness Lover app. “You can bring that imagination to life when you want to prime the pump on your desire or push yourself over the edge to climax while solo or with a partner.”
“It’s incredibly liberating, recognizing our own power to design the scenes and situations that turn us on.”
To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with porn or other forms of erotica. But there’s something especially powerful in orgasming to smut that couldn’t be more personally tailored to what you like.
“In our minds we’re not confined to our studio apartments or our current sexual partners. There are no rules or judgments. Not even the laws of physics apply,” said Gina Gutierrez, co-founder of the popular audio erotica app Dipsea. “It’s incredibly liberating, recognizing our own power to design the scenes and situations that turn us on and to scrap the ones that don’t work for us.”
Don’t take our word for it, though. There’s science to show exactly how real the effects of a healthy erotic imagination are.
“The mind is really the recipient of all the body’s sensations. So there’s this empirical evidence of a huge connection between the mind and pleasure,” she said.
While everyone can benefit from using their imagination as a sexual aid, it’s an especially potent practice for women and others who society has conditioned to feel ashamed about their sexuality.
“We have to do more work to lay down the connections, the neural pathways, between the genitals and the brain’s sensory reward regions,” said Wise. “Using your imagination to masturbate not only gives us the information about what stimulation we need, but also actually strengthens the connections between our genitals and the brain.”
Beyond that, getting off to our own sexual fantasies tackles another negative effect that patriarchy can have on women’s sexuality.
“We’re socialized to think of ourselves as the objects of other people’s desires, like we need to borrow someone else’s idea of pleasure” said Wise. That’s why learning how to be the subject of our own desires, to embody the pleasure we conjure up in our own mind, can be so empowering.
Everyone with a brain, genitals, and desire is already equipped to masturbate to their own sexual fantasies. And while the practice does come more naturally to some, it only takes little guidance and patience to unlock the endless possibilities tucked inside your erotic mind.
Set the right environment
A major key in setting your mind up for erotic success is to ensure your environment allows your brain to feel fully relaxed, safe, and free from distraction.
Pick a time and place where you’ll have full privacy without needing to worry about any interruption, whether from roommates or notifications. For most people, that place will naturally be the bedroom. But put some effort into also making it a true fortress of sensual solitude, like by locking the door, setting your phone to airplane mode, putting on an eye mask, or maybe even using some essential oils and putting on your favorite sexy playlist.
Blair even recommends purposefully scheduling these more exploratory kind of session and making them habitual. So maybe it can be something you add to your nightly ritual before bed: Brush your teeth, do the skincare routine, put on some pajamas, then let your mind wander as you touch yourself.
Create a safe space in your mind
Of course, priming yourself with the right mindset is vital to unlocking your brain’s full fantasy potential.
One of the biggest hurdles to exploring our erotic imaginations is actually the engrained social shame many of us have picked up (even subconsciously) through sexism, homophobia, social stigmas, religion, etc.
“It’s important to know if that is coming up for you, you’re not alone. But there is no such thing as a wrong or right fantasy.” said Blair.
Treat your imagination as a judgement-free zone. To be fair, clearing or redirecting your mind away from feelings of shame is easier said than done. But certain exercises can help (which we’ll get into more in the mind-body connection section below).
Blair suggests that, while exploring sexual fantasies in your mind, try to distinguish between when you’re having a reaction versus a judgment to a certain scenario. Judgments often come from values imposed on you by something or someone else, while visceral reactions can be an indication that your mind wants to explore it further — especially if it’s something your never thought you’d be into.
It’s easy to get scared off by an intense response to a fantasy, and write that off as being too weird or outside the norm for your taste. But if you give yourself a second to assess where that response is coming from, you might actually find that the intensity comes from a part of you that you’ve never tried tapping into before.
“Everything is okay in the world of fantasy. No fantasy is a crime.”
Or maybe not, and that’s fine too. The point is, if you feel safe doing it, just try leaning into parts of your erotic mind that feel challenging and see where it goes.
“Everything is okay in the world of fantasy. No fantasy is a crime,” said Blair. “Whatever turns you on in your mind is totally healthy. Your fantasy doesn’t say anything about you except that you are lucky to have a rich imagination that you can use to have an exciting and enduring erotic life.”
That’s another major benefit of sexual fantasies versus traditional porn, too. You don’t have to worry about any ethical concerns, because your imagination can’t hurt you or anyone else. You’re in total control.
“You imagination is a completely safe space,” said Dipsea’s Gutierrez. “We can play out fantasies that are risky or illicit that we would never actually want to happen in real life. In our minds we’re free to experiment without consequences.”
Familiarize yourself with (but don’t feel limited by) common sexual fantasies
While the whole point is to tap into the unique potential of your own mind, a good jumping off point is to explore whether the most common sexual fantasies spark your interest. Researchers have labeled them into different categories, though there’s a world of possibilities within those labels as well.
Dr. Blair described these categories as multi-partner sex like group sex or threesomes; power, control, or rough sex; novelty, adventure, and variety; taboo and forbidden sex; partner sharing and non-monogamous relationships; passion and romance; and erotic flexibility like homoeroticism or gender-bending.
Jess O’Reilly is a sex educator, author of The New Sex Bible, and Astroglide’s resident sexologist. She explained that through each of these fantasy categories you can help identify the specific core erotic feelings that get you into a heightened state of arousal.
“Oftentimes, they relate to fantasy, escapism or subverting otherwise ‘negative’ emotions. You might find that sex is really hot when you feel powerful, submissive, challenged, mindful, or playful,” she said. “You may also find yourself aroused by feelings that you don’t naturally associate with pleasure, like jealousy, inadequacy, fear, and even humiliation can be exciting.”
What our brains often gravitate to most is pure novelty. What gets you off in a fantasy can actually be the total opposite of your real-life sexual orientation or even completely removed from you, as an abstract scenario happening to someone else entirely.
So don’t be weirded out if you learn that you’re as horny for that fish-god monster from The Shape of Water as the Academy Awards were in 2018. Or maybe you’re one of the many women who enjoys a rape fantasy — which, as Dr. Wise points out, in a fantasy context is the opposite of a real-life rape since, “you’re choosing to have the fantasy and who’s overpowering you. You’re in complete control.”
One other general rule of thumb Wise found is that while men tend toward more visually-oriented fantasies centered around preferred body parts, women tend to focus on overall scenarios. However, it’s impossible to distill the endless possibilities of human sexuality into neat categories. Which is why you also shouldn’t get discouraged or ashamed if none of these common fantasies do it for you.
“Our capacity for imagination is limitless,” said Wise. Don’t feel pressure to confine yours to a specific label.
Start building your erotic imagination through fiction, porn, memories… anything!
The truth is that, while other obstacles might make it hard initially to give yourself permission to explore sexual fantasies, using your imagination is a very natural and innate part of being human. Who doesn’t fantasizing about getting up from their desk in the middle of a hard work day and quitting, or spend time daydreaming about how they’d furnish their dream apartment?
“We make Pinterest boards and save Instagram photos, collect and catalog all these things that we like. I recommend starting to do that for your sex life,” said Gutierrez. “Become more mindful observing what attracts you to someone. The moments where you feel sexiest. What you want to say out loud during sex but hesitate to. Then the next time you want to use your fantasy for pleasure, you know exactly where to draw from.”
Everything in your life can become part of your horny mood board.
Everything in your life can become part of your horny mood board.
We all have that one fictional character or public figure — whether from books, tv, movies, video games, or even politics and the internet — that just does it for us. Begin there, expanding into a specific sexy scene that got you going or whatever comes to mind when you think of that person. Heck, maybe you’re like me and realize that a silky, authoritative voice is actually your kink, leading a bunch of non-erotic popular podcasts to become your go-to spank bank material.
Audio erotica can be a great place to start if you don’t want to take the training wheels off yet to explore sexual fantasies of your own making. Unlike visual porn, audio erotica still exercises the muscles of your erotic imagination, asking you to fill in the details and paint the full picture. While we always recommend Dipsea, there’s also plenty of free ways to try audio erotica like r/gonewildaudio and Girl on the Net.
Once you’re ready to bring yourself more to the forefront of the fantasy, begin with a memory of the hottest, most visceral sex you’ve ever had. Really ground yourself back in that moment by recalling your senses: What position were you in? What did the person’s lust feel like? Were you sweating? How exactly did they touch you?
Touch yourself while pulling from all the erotic mental material you’ve curated, and don’t be afraid to really get your whole body involved in mimicking the sensations you’re creating through your mind. Maybe that means masturbating while you’re on all fours, or matching the tempo of the fantasy, or even dry-humping a pillow. Don’t put any pressure on yourself to orgasm throughout any of this, though, and instead just zero in on embodying the experience of your imagination.
“It’s about giving yourself full permission to explore all our internal pleasure places, and how we experience them in both our minds and bodies at the same time,” said Wise.
Try these exercises to strengthen your mind-body connection
Through her research and other studies in the field, Wise has ultimately found that, “This distinction we make between the mind and body is really a very arbitrary one.”
One of the best ways to embrace this in a way that engages your erotic fantasy life in is through something called mindful sex.
This increasingly popular branch of sex therapy describes a bunch of different practices and exercises that add a layer of sexuality to mindfulness, to help you stay present in your body while experiencing pleasure, train your mind to focus on whatever arouses you, and engage in a non-judgmental curious sexual mindset. Try out basic exercises like pleasure mapping (which Dipsea has a guide for), mindful masturbation (which you can read about here), and sensate focus (which you can read about here).
Wise also suggests a very simple exercise for getting your imagination more connected with your genitals on a neurological level: Just start by tapping or pleasurably touching your genitals, then stop, then think back on the sensations you felt while touching them. Try to recall and summon them back in your body: What did it feel like in your body when the stimulation was building, then dissipating?
At first, it might not feel like much at all and the pleasure may be pretty mild compared to what you’re used to while using more immediate erotic visual aids like porn.
“But you’ll slowly start to develop a better connection to that pleasure sensation channel in your brain,” she said.
Use your imagination during partnered sex
While sexual fantasies are a great way to enhance self-love, learning how to engage with them during partnered sex can also do wonders to get people over the edge and into orgasm.
At this point though, you might be wondering: Is it even OK to fantasize about other situations — or maybe even other people — while having sex with a partner?
“It doesn’t matter where you get your appetite, as long as you’d come home to eat.”
“Yes, it’s an unequivocal yes! Because thinking about stuff is not the same as doing it,” said Wise. As the famous saying goes, “It doesn’t matter where you get your appetite, as long as you’d come home to eat.”
It’s totally normal for your mind to desire novelty, especially if you’re not in a new relationship anymore. In fact, Wise found that one of the best ways to ensure a couples’ longevity is precisely this kind of openness and understanding that people need to fuel their erotic imagination with new stuff.
“If we can get over these kind of hang ups, get past this fear of our partners having a fantasy about somebody else while they’re with us, and instead use it as an opportunity talk about: What would you like? What haven’t we tried? What are you afraid to tell me? Because that’s hot. That’s really hot,” said Wise.
Or maybe instead of thinking about someone else, you’d simply rather use your imagination during partnered sex to transport you both to a setting or scenario that heightens your arousal even more.
In the end, what you do with your erotic imagination is up to you. You can share it if you’d like — or keep it all to yourself. That’s what’s so great about sexual fantasies you cut from your own cloth: They’re all yours, and no one else’s.
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