Cancer can change how you feel about you, your body and your sexuality.
By Good Housekeeping
Cancer changes everything. The diagnosis, the treatment and the aftermath can affect your work, your finances, your relationships and, even more fundamentally, how you think and feel about you, your body, your sexuality.
The impact of treatment for breast and gynaecological cancers can be far reaching. Sometimes the changes are very visible, such as a mastectomy, while chemotherapy, radiotherapy or a hysterectomy can cause other issues, including infertility, early menopause, fatigue, loss of libido and physical changes like narrowing and shortening of the vagina, vaginal dryness and painful sex.
Changes to your body and the way you feel about it can come as a shock post treatment, says clinical psychologist Dr Frances Goodhart. “Treatment can be gruelling and often your sole focus is on getting through it. When it’s over and you’re living with a changed body, worrying about cancer coming back and feeling as though you’ve lost part of yourself, you can struggle with the sense of who you are.”
You don’t have to love your body but it is important to be able to accept.
If you find yourself struggling, you are certainly not alone. Research by Target Ovarian Cancer in 2016 found that 69% of women with ovarian cancer suffered a loss of self esteem, 73% had difficulty with intimacy and 84% reported a lower sex drive. Similarly Breast Cancer Care researchers found that eight in 10 women were unhappy with their sex life after treatment and research by Jo’s Cervical Cancer Trust found that 67% of women experienced changes to their sex lives.
Given these statistics it’s clear that at least for some women, learning to love your body post cancer can be a very big ask. “Let’s be realistic – how many women actually love their bodies pre-cancer?” says Dr Goodhart. “So you don’t have to love your body but it is important to be able to accept it and recognise what it has brought you through.”
Read on for advice for finding that acceptance…
Try not to put off looking at your scars
If you have scars or other visible changes to your body, try not to put off looking at them with your doctor or nurse if this helps. Take it gradually – it’s normal to feel shocked and upset at first but for most women these feelings will ease over time.
Ask for help if you need it
And do it as soon as possible. Jo’s Trust found that two thirds of the women who experienced changes to their sex life didn’t tell a doctor. Your GP or clinical nurse specialist can provide practical help with issues such as vaginal dryness, tightness and pain and give you information on how to cope with sexual difficulties or put you in touch with someone who can help.
Intimacy doesn’t have to mean intercourse
Holding hands, cuddling, kissing, stroking can all help you to slowly get back to feeling closer and rebuild your confidence in taking things to the next level, or not. Remember it’s ok to not want to be sexual – it’s only a problem if it’s causing a problem.
Keep talking to your partner
What you have been through is scary for both of you and communication can break down if both of you avoid saying how you really feel to try to protect the other from hurt.
If you are single and want to meet someone, take your time
Dating can be hard and you are likely to feel frightened of rejection. It can be hard to know when to share the information about your cancer with a new partner – while there is no simple answer it’s important to reach a stage where you feel as though can you trust your new partner, especially if you have body changes that they don’t know about. Honesty is key to successful relationships and a loving partner should accept you as you are.
Allow yourself to grieve
You have experienced major changes to your body and a loss of confidence and certainty and it’s quite normal to feel sad, angry, defiant, even disbelieving about what has happened.
Express yourself
Talking to your partner, to a friend, to a counsellor or to other women who have been through it can help you to process what has happened and find your way forward. Some people find that writing a journal where you allow yourself to write exactly what you feel, or starting a blog.
Exercise can help boost your mood and your body confidence
One study found that twice weekly strength training after cancer helped improve women’s body image and feel better about their appearance, health, physical strength, sexuality, relationships and social functioning.
Find the positives
Despite the challenges, many women find that they emerge from treatment with a new found respect for their body. “It certainly takes time to rebuild confidence in your body but many women say that they start to reassess and to realise what their body is capable of. Women say to us if I can get beyond this I can tackle anything head on,” says Lizzy Rodgers, head of supportive services at Target Ovarian Cancer.
Do you and your partners crave cheese fries at the same time? Probably not.
Sexual desire is kind of like wanting cheese fries. At any given moment you might be really excited for them, interested but not actively pursuing, or staunchly against them. It all depends on context and a number of influences at that moment. Just like it’s totally normal to want cheese fries when your partner wants pizza, it is totally normal for partners to experience different levels of sexual desire.
Since self-isolation became an essential part of our day-to-day lives during the COVID-19 pandemic, the number of questions that I’ve gotten from people on social media dealing with differences in sexual desire is remarkable—but, ultimately, unsurprising.
As a sex educator, typically only about 2 percent of the questions I receive are about mismatched sex drive. Last week, they made up nearly 90 percent.
So, there’s no better time to dive into what exactly is happening here.
How sex drive really works
Your level of sexual desire is affected by two things: Your sexual excitement system and your sexual inhibition system.
As Emily Nagoski explains in her book Come As You Are, the things that excite you are like the gas pedals in your car: They’re the “turn-ons” that make you want to do something. Your inhibition system is like your brake pedal. And there are a lot of different things that can press on your brakes, including housework, childcare, professional stress, body image issues, a history of trauma, and, well, basically anything.
Everybody has things that sexually excite and sexually inhibit them, but when we think about sex drive, we tend to think solely about the things that arouse us.
The state of your mental health has a noticeable effect on your sex life. If you’ve noticed a drop in your or your partner’s sexual desire lately, try asking yourself if there are things in your life that are causing you more stress than usual (like, you know, a global pandemic). Stressors can inhibit your sexual desire simply by making your mind think about other things instead.
You may not be associating those stressors with sex, but your brain could be.
In the United States, we’re taught through movies and television that sexual desire is spontaneous. You meet somebody, and—bam!—you’re horny and ready for anything. You know that scene where two people are making out in an apartment building hallway, then tearing their clothes off, and then you fast forward to the duo tired and satisfied after? Though common on screen, those scenarios don’t reflect the majority of sexual experiences. Sexual desire is rarely spontaneous; more often than not, it’s fostered.
That means you might have to create a sexy context for you and your partners to feel in the mood. That sexy context could be a lot of different things: Maybe that means wearing clothing or underwear that make you feel confident, or maybe it means that all of the dishes are done.
Regardless of what your context is, the important thing to note is that you can make changes to your environment that open you up to sex. You and your partners each have your own individual excitement/inhibition systems though, and sometimes they just won’t match up.
What to do when you’re craving sex and your partner isn’t
During quarantine, you might find that you’re hornier than usual. For some people, sex serves as a grounding technique. Pleasure can be a means of distraction during otherwise uncertain or overwhelming times, and the dopamine and oxytocin boost that comes with orgasm can make you feel good—even for a little bit. Plus, you might just be bored.
For others, sex is the last thing on their mind. Both responses are normal and okay.
Differences in sexual desire can cause issues in relationships even during relatively low-stress periods. So, if you and your sexual partner are quarantined together and coping with unequal sex drives, conflict may arise.
When it does, remember that a sudden shift in sexual desire doesn’t necessarily mean that your partner is no longer attracted to you. More likely, it means that there are a lot of things pressing on their sexual brakes. The way to alleviate that stress isn’t by confronting or shaming the person; it’s by having an open conversation about what is going on for them mentally, emotionally, physically, and sexually.
Try asking questions like:
“I’ve noticed that we have (or haven’t) been having sex lately. How are you feeling about our sex life right now?”
“Since we’re avoiding sex right now, I’d like to find some other ways for us to feel intimate. What are some things that sound enjoyable to you?”
“I feel like COVID-19 has affected so many parts of our lives—even our sex life. Have you noticed that too? How has it been affecting you?”
Open-ended, non-judgmental questions.
One important note—the time to have this conversation is not when you’re partially undressed and in bed. Take the conversation out of the bedroom, and you’ll reduce the likelihood that someone feels rejected or pressured to respond in a particular way.
You won’t know how your partner is feeling until you talk to them, so have the conversation even if it feels difficult. You might find that your partner is afraid to initiate sex right now because they’re uncertain if sex is safe. Or, perhaps they’re feeling so overwhelmed by the current environment that sex just isn’t a priority.
It’s essential to note that if your partner says they don’t want to have sex right now, that doesn’t mean you should convince them it’s okay. “No,” “I’m not sure,” and “Not right now” all mean no, so respect that.
If partnered sex is off the table, ask yourself what feeling or outcome you’re seeking from sex. Is it physical closeness? Orgasm? Intimacy? Exercise? Catharsis?
Knowing the outcome you’re searching for can help you pinpoint other ways to achieve it. If you’re looking for physical closeness, maybe cuddling, a long hug, or giving a massage would help. If it’s orgasm, masturbation can be an alternative. Intimacy can be fostered by disconnecting from technology and planning an at-home date. A yearning for physical activity can be fulfilled by doing a live-streamed workout or other safe, physically distant exercises. And if it’s catharsis you’re looking for, try consuming media that you know brings you extreme joy, tears to your eyes, or whatever emotion you want to feel.
No matter which route you take, make sure to continue talking with your partners about your sex life. The number one thing that gets in the way of pleasurable sex isn’t lack of technique, desire, or new toys; it’s lack of communication.
Get past any awkward moments and on to the orgasm.
By Rachel Zar, LMFT
When it’s been a while since you last had sex, jumping back into the sack can be downright scary. And that’s a natural reaction: Having sex makes us vulnerable, is intimate, and can send our brains into protection mode, dreaming up every worst-case scenario. I’m a relationship and sex therapist, and I’ve heard the gamut of worries from clients—that a new partner will judge their body or their skills, or that the old “use it or lose it” refrain is true for their sexuality, or that it will simply be awkward.
Reentering the sexual realm, however, doesn’t have to be intimidating. Whether you and your partner have been going through a dry spell or you’re starting fresh with someone new, here are a few ways to prep for the big moment.
1. Explore your body.
One of the best ways to remind yourself what it feels like to be sexual is to create opportunities for masturbation. Take some time alone in bed or in the shower or tub to explore your body, let yourself fantasize, and reconnect with your sexual self. If your body has changed since last you were here (maybe you’ve given birth or are going through perimenopause), use this opportunity to be curious about new ways you may experience pleasure. The better a sense you have of what feels best for you, the more you’ll be able to get aroused and help your partner help you.
2. Get out of your own head.
Much of the work I do with clients is helping them get out of their heads and into their bodies when it comes to sex. When you’re worrying about what your partner thinks of your thighs or what you’re going to have for dinner later, it can be hard to catch pleasurable feelings when they arise.
Mindfulness meditation may help: Studies show that it can reduce anxiety during sex and increase pleasure. So download an app like Headspace or Calm and dedicate 10 minutes a day to breathing and being in your body. It may just become the most important tool in your sexual toolbox (even better than a vibrator, I swear).
3. Set the scene.
Some advance thought can help you feel that much sexier in the moment, so consider what helps set the mood for you. Do you like bright or dim lighting? Background music or silence? Do you feel more confident in lacy lingerie or a T-shirt? Also, gather any props (like your favorite lubricant) so they’ll be on hand and you won’t need to scramble.
4. Focus on exploration vs. performance.
When you’re feeling anxious about getting the deed done, you may have the urge to rush toward the finish line. But giving yourself permission to take it slowly will help keep the pressure off (and that’s key, because pressure is a huge libido killer!).
My advice is to have a conversation with your partner in advance to set the tone and expectations. Instead of trying to go “all the way” the first time you reintroduce intimacy, start with some foreplay—like a sensual massage or some good old-fashioned making out—then allow things to build, or not. Remember, there are lots of ways to have sex. Focus more on exploration and play than performance and orgasm, and you’ll be setting yourself up for success.
Let’s be real. Even for those of us who have a generally open-minded, been-there-done-that attitude about sex, the thought of anal sex can still seem a little scary if you’ve gone there. For one reason or another, anal is usually the final frontier sexually — and there can be a whole lot of buildup.
But our greatest fears often lie in anticipation, and once you give anal a go, you might just find that you’ve been missing out on something that can actually be really hot and satisfying. We checked in with some experts and asked them to take the mystery out of anal sex, and they schooled us on some positions that can help ease you into your first time to actually make it an enjoyable experience.
Arm yourself with these tips and a lot of lube, and you’re on your way to one kick-ass time.
Cowgirl (or cowboy)
In the traditional cowgirl position, your partner lies down while you mount on top — yeehaw! As the partner on top, you can ease into anal penetration by moving up or down as needed. Pro tip: Make sure your bottom partner does not begin to thrust until you’re good and ready.
Certified Master Sex Expert and Educator, Sex Coach and “So Tight” Sensual Fitness Personal Trainer Nikki Ransom endorses the cowgirl position for anal newbies. She explains, “This position will allow you to control the pace and depth that his penis goes inside of you. Remember to go at an easy pace and stay relaxed. It helps to have had an orgasm already and be highly aroused.”
Jessica O’Reilly (a.k.a. Dr. Jess, Ph.D.), author, international speaker and PlayboyTV’s sexologist, offers an alternative to the cowgirl in her book The New Sex Bible, “If she doesn’t like the sensation of deep penetration, but he desires more stimulation against the base of his shaft, she can reach backwards with a warm, wet hand to grasp the lower half of his shaft. Her hand becomes an extension of her butt while providing a physical buffer to ensure only shallow penetration.”
Doggy style
This position is most often associated with anal because it has major advantages. As the partner on the bottom, you can stay loose as you control penetration to increase pleasure. Getting busy on all fours may be your best bet if you have attempted and found anal painful in the past.
Patricia Johnson and Mark Michaels, co-authors of Designer Relationships, Partners in Passion, Great Sex Made Simple, Tantra for Erotic Empowerment and The Essence of Tantric Sexuality, recommend doggy style for first-timers and those who may have had an unpleasant experience before. The couple says, “Anal sex should never be painful. Always use plenty of lube and proceed slowly and gently.” Ransom adds, “Rub and stimulate your clitoris too to make it even more pleasurable.”
In The New Sex Bible, Dr. Jess has a different take on doggy-style anal sex. She recommends the modified doggy to give the receptive partner more control, support intimacy and provide the opportunity for double penetration. Dr. Jess explains, “She assumes a kneeling position with her butt cheeks on her heels and her knees spread wide open. She places her hands on her knees or the bed for support. He assumes the same position behind her and adjusts his height so that the head of his [penis] rests below her bum. He remains static as she lowers herself onto his head and takes a few deep breaths before sliding farther down his shaft. She drives her butt and hips up and down at her own pace as he reaches around to fondle her breasts or rub her clitoris.”
Face to face
This position is preferred if you are looking for extra intimacy during the act. Start with your partner sitting as you mount his lap, face-to-face. Once again — as the partner on top, you can control depth of penetration to stay comfy. Face-to-face anal has the added bonus of extra stimulation for a woman: breasts, clitoris, go crazy!
Johnson and Michaels love face-to-face anal for the toe-tingling intimacy it provides. They confirm, “This position facilitates using eye contact and breath to build even more arousal.”
Dr. Jess agrees. She says, “I like this position as it allows the ‘mounter’ to exercise a good amount of control of the depth and rhythm of penetration. Wear a vibrating c*** ring for this one to provide extra pleasurable sensations as the top partner grinds against his shaft.”
Good old missionary with a twist
When it comes to anal, missionary will never steer you wrong. Approach this favorite vanilla sex position with a backdoor twist: In the missionary position, place your legs on his shoulders. With the right amount of lube and relaxation, even initial penetration should be pleasurable.
Missionary is easy-peasy for most maiden voyages, but Johnson and Michaels caution that this anal move may not work for everyone, “Some people may not be sufficiently flexible for this position.” For those who are flexible and looking to try new things, Dr. Jess explains her take on missionary, “Better yet, place the soles of your feet against his shoulders so that you can push back and release according to your preferences.”
On the stomach
Anal on the stomach is comfortable and easy, with the right prep work beforehand. First-timers can relax and make penetration enjoyable by lying on top of a pillow placed under the stomach. For women, this elevates the backside nicely and still gives enough room to stimulate other body parts.
Johnson and Michaels recommend incorporating sex toys into the act to keep things interesting, “This is a great position for stimulating your own clitoris or using a vibrator.”
Because of the opportunity for sex toy play, Dr. Jess adds that on-the-stomach anal can be especially favorable to the ladies. She says, “This is one of the best anal sex positions for women (as the receptive partner), as she can reach down to stimulate her pubic mound and clitoral shaft with her hand or a flat vibrator (try the We-Vibe Touch). The dual stimulation helps to increase arousal, which heightens relaxation to create a cascade of orgasmic sensations.”
Spooning, with a twist
We are all familiar with spooning for some great side-by-side action. Spooning is also a top choice for anal since both partners are more likely to be relaxed. As the “little spoon,” you can make penetration easier by curling up and pulling your upper legs slightly toward your upper body. And while you’re at it, here’s a naughty little secret to double your pleasure — use a vibrator to get to the finish line.
According to Dr. Jess, spooning is the perfect first-time anal position for lovers. Johnson and Michaels add a helpful tip from their own bedroom experience, “You can give your partner a better view of the action by holding your upper leg just below the knee and opening up.”
Ransom also believes that spooning is ideal for a pleasurable beginner anal experience. “This is a great position to stay relaxed in. It also allows for clitoral stimulation and vaginal stimulation for a trigasm.” She advises, “Stay relaxed — your partner should enter you an inch at a time. Then, allow your anus to become accustomed and relax around his penis. Then [he can] enter you another inch and another, and continue until he is all the way in. Be sure to have plenty of lubrication with any anal penetration.”
Humans don’t deal all that well with uncertainty – not knowing what’s about to happen causes us more stress than knowing for certain something bad is. In the face of a global pandemic, where the outcomes are largely unknown, many romantic relationships will experience an increase in tension and conflict.
Uncertainty breeds stress breeds tension and irritation. If you’ve found yourself lashing out at your partner during lockdown, or else closing down completely, then you’re certainly not alone. But if you want to get out the other side with your relationship still intact, you might want to engage some better strategies.
Nic Beets and Verity Thom are sex and relationship therapists who have been married for 40 years and are currently in self-isolation with their two adult children.
The secret to ‘making it through’, they say, lies in kindness and collaboration.
“Cut each other a bit of slack, dig deep and be your best self,” advises Verity, “You ‘do lockdown’ do not let lock down ‘do’ you both.”
Routine
Chances are your new normal looks a lot different to how it did two weeks ago. Putting in the effort now to clearly outline a lockdown routine could save you a good number of arguments later on.
“Talk about what everyone needs for this isolation together to work, for example, ‘I need two hours to myself where I’m not in charge of the kids each day’ or ‘I need to go and do some work in the work-shed each afternoon’,” says Verity.
Try to make sure everybody gets a say, and all needs are being addressed equally.
“The trick is to get through the conversation without someone feeling like they are being told what to do, or without someone appeasing or complying grudgingly and then later getting resentful,” says Nic.
A pandemic magnifies all existing inequalities, so if they’re already present in your home, they’re likely to become a point of tension. Is one of you being expected to take care of all the childrearing while the other engages in paid work? How can you ensure each of you gets a break from the individual stresses those things entail?
“Attitude is so important,” adds Verity, “We can do this, we are in this together, we need to collaborate to sort out a new routine.”
Criticism
If you’re used to spending most days apart, there’s a good chance you’re going to get on each other’s nerves. That’s to be expected.
Try to make sure you have space to do your own thing, even if just nipping out for a walk or off to read a book, and when things do pop up that are getting to you, set aside a time to talk about them as calmly and empathetically as you can.
One thing you really want to avoid is criticism.
Whereas some relationship complaints are entirely legitimate, criticism is often used as a shield – where the overcritical person masks their own fear, hurt, sadness or shame by lashing out.
Criticism can be incredibly damaging to a relationship, researcher John Gottman has identified it as one of four key predictors of a relationship’s demise, for the way it corrodes trust and intimacy.
It also has very little effect on the other person’s behaviour (other than causing them to become defensive) so if you actually want to see something change you might want to try a different tact.
“I encourage people to do a big preamble,” says Nic, “Clearly state the positive thing you’re trying to achieve – like, ‘Hey I know I’ve been distant and I don’t want to be like that, so I want to talk to you about something that’s bugging me. But I don’t want you to feel attacked…I’m asking you to change something but it’s not because you’re wrong, it’s just that I’m not dealing with it very well.”
Conflict resolution
When arguments do happen, it’s more important now than ever to learn when and how to disengage, rather than escalate.
“When we feel trapped we’re more likely to operate from the primitive self-protected part of our brain, the limbic system,” says Nic, “You need to get away from each other to let that part of the brain settle down.”
Easier said than done during a lockdown, but there are still options open to you.
“Have a shower or a bath, listen to some calming music or relaxation programmes or sounds on your device. These are all quick ways to change your mood state,” says Verity.
Going for a walk or a run is also a great option.
“Movement reminds the limbic system that we’re not trapped, we have choices,” says Nic.
Do remember to come back together when you’re calm and try again. Many couples swear by a regular check-in, where grievances can be aired and worked through when everyone’s feeling up to it.
Just make sure you’re both getting a say.
“Shutting down or going on and on – talking ‘at’ the other person or needing to talk a tonne – are two different ways of dealing with anxiety and stress. Neither are that helpful, so try not to do either of these two extremes,” says Verity.
Physical intimacy / sex
The relationship between stress and sexual intimacy is complicated – for some, stress causes their sex drive to shut down, where for others sex is an easy and natural way to seek reassurance and closeness.
If your sexual responses to stress aren’t matched then likely you’ve already noticed it before this, but lockdown is likely to exacerbate the situation.
“Of course, the answer is to have a conversation about it where, as always, no-one is made to feel wrong for being the way they are,” says Nic.
“If you’re someone who shuts down sexually under stress, then your partner is going to experience that as control and resent it, unless they understand it’s not something you’re choosing to do, it’s just the way it is.”
Nic likes to point out that there’s a difference between “feeling like sex” (as in being turned on) and “wanting” to be sexual, as in wanting sex to be a part of your relationship or part of your life. If you do want sexual touch to be part of your life, that’s a place you can work from together.
“Generally speaking, shutting down verbally or sexually is not that smart during tough times when staying connected as a tight team is wise,” says Verity.
You may prefer one form of connecting over the other, but it’s worth putting effort into the one that doesn’t feel so natural to you.
“Find space to talk some, be affectionate some, be sexual some. It doesn’t have to be all about intercourse and orgasm… Just making out or sharing a hot bath or shower, or giving a massage… Take it slow for the person who does not normally seek sexual connection when things are stressful. Be spacious, relaxed and maybe laugh a little,” says Verity.
The silver lining
While isolation is understandably causing street and anxiety for many, Verity and Nic are also finding that a lot of couples are pulling together better than they usually do.
“Maybe they’re doing it for the kids or because the situation feels so critical… But regardless, they’re getting used to striving to be calmer, steadier and kinder than they normally aim for,” says Verity, “I’m urging them to try that hard once this is all over!”
“I can’t take it, take it, take no more. Never felt like, felt like this before,” she sang, voicing a deep, roiling desire to dance with someone she’d just met. “C’mon get me, get me on the floor. DJ, what you, what you waitin’ for?”
Spears suggested her lust was so enthralling that not even global annihilation could get in her way.
“See the sunlight, we ain’t stopping. Keep on dancin’ ’til the world ends,” Spears continued. “If you feel it, let it happen. Keep on dancin’ ’til the world ends.”
The reality of our current apocalyptic scenario — the coronavirus pandemic — is a lot less sexy than the sweaty, bare-skin-pressing-on-bare-skin circumstances Spears envisioned. Quite the opposite. People living in 42 states (and counting) have been told to stay home, following the leads of countries like Italy and Spain that have gone on full lockdowns. Government officials have begged people to not just remain indoors but also to cut off any physical contact with others.
The aim of this restrictive measure is to reduce the spread of the virus, not letting it jump from person to person. And sacrificing physical contact for the global good means that interactions with people you don’t share a home with now exist primarily online over texts, Zoom calls, direct messages, and social media.
Through social distancing, we’re cut off from most physical contact with our friends and family. We’re also meant to keep away from people we were having sex with or want to have sex with, unless we already live with those people. And all the people who were having or were interested in having sex with us can’t pursue those aims, either
In Spears-speak, everyone you want to dance with ’til the world ends is now off-limits. But that has neither stopped people from irresponsibly hooking up (or claiming to be), nor kept some from pursuing and being pursued
While there are directives from health officials — New York City has a widely circulated memo about how its horny residents should refrain from hooking up and send nudes or video chat instead — I wanted to ask experts about why some people’s sex drives are even more stimulated than normal during a time where we can’t tap into those desires with other people. I also wanted to know: How risky is it to act on those sexual desires with someone, even if they’re also self-quarantining?
Being hornier than usual right now is perfectly normal. So is not wanting to have sex at all.
In the first week of social distancing, I noticed a few more green circles popping up on my Instagram feed than usual. Green circles are the platform’s way of indicating that you’re on someone’s “Close Friends” list, seeing a post made for a specific set of eyes decided on by the user. On my Instagram feed, these Close Friends posts usually come from gay men sharing thirst traps, a particularly randy brand of photo or video — usually shirtless, sometimes featuring underwear — that’s designed to get attention. The goal is to get the viewer to slide into your DMs, usually sending a reply involving the fire or eyeballs emoji
The question became clear: Was the lockdown on physical intimacy driving up the frequency, and thirstiness, of these private posts?
Instagram told me on March 23 that although there have been upticks in use of the platform’s “live” feature since March 16 (when the first US quarantine measures went into effect), it didn’t have specific data on whether there has been a dramatic change in frequency of “Close Friends” posts on the platform during the past month or so of worldwide quarantine measures.
Without a solid answer and nothing more than anecdotal evidence, I asked the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, which studies human sexuality and relationships, for its take. Kinsey is in the middle of conducting a study on how the pandemic has affected people’s sexual relationships, and its researchers have found that the number of people engaging in sexual behavior online has increased, as well as the number of people who have completely disengaged.
“When you look at the data, you actually see movement at both ends,” social psychologist Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at Kinsey and author of Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire, told me. “You have a higher percentage of people now who are saying [that] they’re masturbating and having more sex. But you also have a higher percentage of people saying they’re not engaging in any sexual behavior at all. And the people at the low end and not having any behavior — that increase is much bigger than the increase at the other end of the spectrum.”
Lehmiller says experiencing a lack of sex drive is tied to the distress of the situation. The death tolls ratchet up constantly, horrific stories come out of hospitals each day, projections talk about hundreds of thousands of deaths, and it seems inevitable that by the end of the pandemic, each one of us will know someone that’s been affected by the disease. Not being in the mood is completely understandable.
But that same apocalyptic scenario can trigger arousal too.
“There’s a whole body of research and the theory is called Terror Management Theory,” or TMT, Lehmiller said. “The idea behind it is that when we face the prospect of our own mortality, it leads us to cope, or it leads us to change our attitudes and behaviors in a way that it’s designed to cope with that existential threat.”
And for some people, TMT manifests itself in sexual interest and desire, or adopting new ways to express themselves sexually. Those expressions could be sexting, sending nudes, or initiating video chats — all of which can spin off from a single thirsty Close Friends post.
“Something we’re seeing in our data is that people are incorporating more online sexual activities that maybe they’ve never done before into their sex life as a way of getting some sexual fulfillment and also connection with other people,” Lehmiller told Vox. “So it definitely does seem to be the case that there is more sexting, for example, going on right now. And more sending of nudes and other things like that.”
Our social etiquette and norms have also changed.
Many people may now have much more privacy to send a sext or DM at any time of day. Nights and weekends — times when Lehmiller says we’re most likely to engage in sex-seeking behavior — are now almost indistinguishable from afternoons and weekdays, blurring the lines of when it’s appropriate for us to start flirting and thirst-trapping. And there are now a lot of people home during the day to receive and reciprocate these messages.
These different factors can really do a number on the way our sex drives respond.
I asked Lehmiller why my circle of gay friends and several gay men I spoke to in particular seemed to notice more thirst traps on Instagram and DMs than they did before. The research that Lehmiller is doing at Kinsey, which surveys more than 1,000 participants, found that gender or sexual orientation wasn’t a determining factor in whether someone was expressing themselves more during the pandemic, he said.
“The people that are most likely to experience that increased in sexual desire are people who already are very comfortable with their bodies and have a positive body image,” Lehmiller told me. “If you’re somebody who was embedded in a network of people that had a level of interest in sex to begin with, you’re probably seeing even higher levels of sexual interest coming out right now.”
Why it’s so risky to sleep with someone right now, even if they’re social distancing
I spoke to a number of people for this article, and found that, although Lehmiller said gender and sexual orientation wasn’t really a factor in sexual behavior, the gay men I interviewed seemed to be the most frank, candid, and innovative when it comes to their online sex lives. A 31-year-old New Yorker whom we’ll call Andrew told me about a 32-person Instagram group DM he participates in where nudes are exchanged.
“It started as a, ‘Can I send you nudes during these trying times?’” he told me, explaining how the massive DM chain began as a poll. “And a ‘yes’ vote was basically consent for receipt and I got a lot of yeses, so I thought, wouldn’t it be fun?”
The group is so popular, Andrew said, that there’s apparently a waitlist to get into the DM chain.
Hunter (whose name has been changed to protect his privacy), a 24-year-old from New York, explained that he too has been sending out more nudes and posting flirty Close Friends Instagram stories because physical intimacy is off the table.
“I started doing it naturally just because of the circumstances, but it’s reinforced by seeing so many of my peers doing the same thing,” Hunter said. “I think we’d all rather spend our time flirting and complimenting each other instead of thinking about sickness and death.”
Hunter and Andrew are actually following the New York City’s public health directive, which encourages “video dates, sexting or chat rooms” as opposed to meeting people online.
And they, like their fellow New Yorkers, have been asked to socially distance themselves for more than three weeks now. Theoretically speaking, that’s longer than the reported incubation period for the disease. But it’s important to keep in mind that just because people have dutifully followed self-quarantine measures and think they might be okay to go out to see someone once in a while, it doesn’t mean that they no longer pose a risk to each other
It’s simple: Sleeping with someone who doesn’t live in your home is still a risk, because at this point, anyone outside of your own home could stand as a health risk to you right now.
“Social distancing reduces your risk greatly, and it reduces the risk that you pose to others greatly, but it’s no guarantee that you didn’t get it when you went to the grocery store three days ago,” Anna Muldoon, a former science policy adviser at the US Department of Health and Human Services and PhD candidate researching infectious disease and social crises at Arizona State University, told me. “Every time you leave your house, there’s some level of risk. When people say they’ve been self-quarantining for two weeks, very few of them actually mean they’ve had zero risk of exposure in two weeks. And the other thing is, on your way to that [sex] date, you’ve got to get there somehow, and that’s another exposure risk.”
Muldoon said perhaps someone living in your neighborhood or even your building could be the least worst choice to sleep with for someone who absolutely can’t hold off. (Muldoon does not recommend sleeping with a neighbor, emotionally speaking.) She said that people who go to the same places that you’re going to are generally exposed to the same level of risk as you.
Humans are going to do human things, and sex is a very human thing,” Muldoon said. “I think that if you’re in a situation where it’s like you’ve talked to the person long enough that you really believe that they’re following all the precautions, and you’re in the same neighborhood having to walk the same streets, or go to the same grocery store anyway, your risk is relatively similar. I don’t love the idea, because you are increasing both of your risk, but you’re probably being exposed to the same things.”
The thing to keep in mind if you do decide to have sex during these troubling times, experts say, is that it’s not just your health you’re going to worry about. You’re making yourself responsible for someone’s health and vice versa. It’s a personal call as to whether that’s a decision you want to make. It’s absolutely fine and even a better decision that’s backed by doctors and health officials, if you don’t want to expose yourself to other people right now — or if you just want to fire up Instagram, send some consensual nudes over DMs. Or even if you just want to keep your love life to text-only for now.
“This is a moment that we’re all learning to develop deeper relationships again. It’s a kind of weird experience,” Muldoon said. “We had all adjusted to sort of a really fast trajectory into sleeping with people and really sped-up forms of dating, and this thing is forcing us to go back to old-school getting-to-know-you things.”
Welcome to The Sexy Times, where I, Pitt News staff writer Genna Edwards, write weekly on all things sex, love and relationships — with a heavy dose of humor and a splash of queer feminism. Feel free to email your sex life woes — or any woes, honestly — to me at gee9@pitt.edu. I may be able to help you out.
When searching for literature of the sensual kind, it can be difficult to find pieces that really speak to you. Sometimes you can’t relate to the main character at all, and that’s just no good — you want to be invested, swept off your feet. During our current historical pandemic, feeling connected to fictional damsels is harder than ever — they’re not worried about their canned bean supply, they can meet up with their friends, they may even exist in a country where health care is a human right! How are you supposed to relate to this?
Do you find it harder to get, and stay, hot and bothered during a worldwide pandemic akin to the Spanish flu? If the coronavirus is impeding your ability to get in the mood, you’re not alone. It can be difficult to stop stressing about the virus to step into a world so different from this one — but maybe, if the literature were more current, it would be easier to imagine yourself about to kiss a handsome lad.
Read on for some sexy COVID-19 scenarios that’ll get your brain all excited and ready to go.
Your boyfriend comes home from work and, upon seeing you watching “The Bachelor” on the couch, doesn’t make fun of you watching “The Bachelor” on the couch. He makes you fettucini alfredo. He says, setting a glass of wine in front of you, “You hear about the COVID-19 virus? It was all a joke by the Soviet government. Ha! Can you believe that? Wanna bone?”
Imagine a world where Donald Trump has a better haircut. You turn on the TV every day and instead of seeing his pitiful mop, best compared to a hairy stalk of corn in the wind, you see the work of a master stylist. Maybe Trump’s rocking some kind of shave, or looks real good in a rainbow mohawk — whatever it is, your eyes don’t have to suffer through his egregious lack of taste any longer. This way you can focus more on what he’s saying — he’s doing the best job, he just destroyed the virus last night with his bare fists — and less on his need for a comb.
You call your grandma and she doesn’t ask if you’ve “found a life partner yet.” She’s stopped going to her weekly yoga class and instead stretches with the squirrels in her backyard. She and your grandpa are healthy and order groceries online.
Every member of the GOP, all dressed “Magic Mike”-style, comes to your front doorstep. They do a fun little dance around a pole that magically appeared in your front yard and tell you that they’re done trying to restrict abortions during this global virus outbreak.
Your clock reads 11:13 p.m. A 20-something dude on Tinder messages you to ask how you’re coping during the quarantine. After a lively conversation in which no unsolicited penis pictures are sent and you talk about your childhoods, he wishes you a good night and offers to buy you a coffee when this is all over. His name is Simon and he loves his mother.
Your favorite pizza place delivers a large plus breadsticks for $10. When the pizza man arrives, you notice he’s Idris Elba. He’s shirtless and covered in oil. He has a lighting crew behind him — they fix his backlight and now, when you look at him, all you can see is abs and Jesus. He hands you your pizza, wearing protective gloves, and tells you he adores your Muppet pajama pants.
You’re a widow tending to your farm in the Swedish countryside. After a long, hard day of plowing the fields alongside your five sons, your husband’s ghost appears by your bedside to tell you about an underground bunker full of toilet paper he made years ago. At the time he didn’t know what inclined him to make it, but now he knows he was a prophet. You share a fleeting kiss before he disappears into the ether.
The government sends you a check every month for far more than $1,000 — in what kind of world does that even cover rent for you, you young hot New Yorker — but this month, there’s a note attached. The FBI agent that has been watching you through your computer has a crush on you. He proposes that you run away to Amsterdam with him and open a coffeeshop. He knows you’ve never seen his face, but he promises you he’s attractive by conventional Western standards of beauty. He also makes mean waffles.
In an alternate universe, the COVID-19 virus was an elaborate simulation to cover up the re-emergence of dinosaurs in Wuhan, China. You are sent with Chris Pratt to defeat the novel T-Rex — he falls in love with your lack of character development and unsensible heels and you make sweet, sweet love on a beach. (Does Wuhan have beaches? I know nothing.)
The pandemic has ended. You put on your favorite outfit and go to your best friend’s house — she’s having a party. Everyone hugs and talks about how much they missed each other. No one wears a mask. You completely ignore the Tinder match you came here with, because nothing is sexier than having friends, and also he’s a little creepier than he seemed online. Who cares — you have an unlimited supply of Tinder men to see now! The world is good.
I hear this often from my married women clients, especially those who have children or are in their late 40s. The women who say this have one thing in common: They don’t feel emotionally connected with their husbands.
How lack of connection can affect your sex drive.
Not everyone needs emotional connection for sex to be great, but in long-term relationships, the lack of connection can be a huge factor in a person’s desire to have sex with their partner. In relationships between men and women, there can also sometimes be a chicken-or-egg problem when it comes to sex and connection: Many men say that they feel emotionally connected after sex, while many women need to feel emotionally connected in order to want to have sex. This isn’t a hard-and-fast rule, of course—everyone’s different—but I do regularly notice this conundrum among my clients.
Here’s the interesting thing: Many of my women clients say that when they visit their husband at work and see him in his power, they do feel turned on by him. But when he comes home, he becomes an anxious, complaining, needy little boy—and they are not turned on by that whatsoever.
What’s going is that their husband is powerful in the work arena but self-abandoning—and thus needy—in the emotional arena. He wants sex to relax and feel good about himself rather than to connect with his wife. Rather than taking responsibility for his own feelings of stress and anxiety, he’s coming to his wife expecting for her to make him feel better (or worse, to use her for his own comfort). This dynamic invariably leads to his wife feeling used by him rather than loved.
There is nothing erotic about a needy person.
The situation is also often reversed, where a man wants more emotional connection with a female partner whereas she is disconnected, self-abandoning, and needy. When someone is coming to you for sex that’s all about making them feel validated and soothed, it’s not much of a turn-on.
Having sex to connect—not out of neediness.
Sex in a long-term relationship thrives when both partners are loving and taking care of themselves and then sharing their love with each other. This means that each partner needs to do whatever inner work is necessary to come to their partner full of love for their partner rather than coming from emptiness and neediness. We cannot be loving and emotionally connected when we are rejecting and abandoning our own feelings and then expecting our partner to make us feel OK about ourselves.
This might be a hard pill to swallow—yes, you’ll need to do the inner work before you’re going to see your sex life really come back to life. The good news is, sexuality in general thrives when both partners are open to learning about themselves and about each other, which is what creates growth and newness in long-term relationships. Sex doesn’t become boring when the relationship isn’t boring, and it isn’t boring when learning and emotional growth are an integral part of a relationship.
Partners also need to make time alone together a high priority—time to share their day, to support each other, to share a meal, to do something fun, and to laugh together. This is how to emotionally connect with your partner. Emotional connection occurs when both people are open and loving with themselves and each other, with no agenda other than to share their love with each other. If one partner has a sexual agenda, the interaction won’t feel loving and genuine. Sexuality will often emerge naturally from their authentic emotional intimacy.
Talking about sex can be difficult for many people, and talking about sexual health problems can be even harder. Bedroom issues like sexual performance and low libido may go beyond the scope of what you would normally discuss with your primary care physician, ob-gyn, or usual therapist.
This is where sex therapists enter the picture — trained professionals who focus specifically on human sexuality and healthy sexual behavior, and who can offer compassionate, research-backed help while addressing the full range of pertinent psychological, physiological, and cultural factors in play. Think sex therapy could be helpful for you and your partner? Learn more about what sex therapists do and what a typical session may look like.
What Is Sex Therapy and What Do Sex Therapists Do?
There are many different paths people can take to becoming a sex therapist. A sex therapist might be a psychologist or psychiatrist, a clinical social worker, a family therapist, or maybe a doctor or nurse who has psychotherapy training and who has gone on to get specialized training in sexuality and sexual functioning, intimacy, and relationships.
Those are big, broad buckets, of course. But a qualified sex therapist should be adept at addressing a wide range of concerns including (but by no means limited to): issues about sexual desire, ejaculation-related problems, trouble orgasming, painful sex, and more.
What a Session With a Sex Therapist May Look Like
Sex therapy varies significantly depending on what is being addressed and who the therapist and patient — or patients — are. So there is no standard answer for what a particular therapy session might entail or how often you will go. One thing that will not be a part of any sessions is sexual contact. Sex therapy is talk therapy.
Most sex therapists will start by getting a thorough picture of your sexual history, whether they ask for that information before you attend a session, in person, or both.
“You’re really getting a sense of what, historically, has shaped a [patient’s] sexual map or preferences,” explains Megan Fleming, PhD, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in New York City. “And then, most importantly, what is their presenting challenge or complaint that they want to be working on.”
A sex therapist will consider what Dr. Fleming calls the “bio-psycho-social” determinants contributing to a client’s concern — meaning any potential biological, psychological, and social factors — and will work with you to create a specific treatment plan. Sex therapists may see individuals, couples, or both. Some may be comfortable starting with an individual who eventually brings in his or her partner, though Fleming says that whether a therapist does this will depend on the specific circumstances.
What a Sex Therapist May Commonly Recommend
Again, the recommendations a sex therapist gives vary dramatically from patient to patient and the issues they are addressing.
“It depends on the therapist you’re working with as well as what it is you’re looking for,” says Fleming. Sometimes you’ll see the therapist for just a handful of sessions, maybe with a tune-up down the road; other times long-term, in-depth therapy might be called for.
Expect homework, which can be a common element of sex therapy. Your sex therapist will ask you to complete specific tasks in between sessions, and then ask you or you and your partner to report back. Those homework assignments could range from communication exercises to specific sexual experimentation activities.
What Type of Training Does a Sex Therapist Receive?
Unfortunately, no regulations govern who can call themselves a sex therapist, which is why it is important to pay close attention to credentials.
“In most states, anybody can say that they’re a sex therapist — or that they do sex therapy — and the consumer has no idea whether this person has ever taken a single class, has ever gone through any training, or has been supervised around sex therapy by qualified supervisors,” warns Dr. Cannon. “So if you don’t go to a certified sex therapist, it’s buyer beware.”
AASECT keeps a list of licensed sex therapists on its site, which Cannon recommends as a good starting point. If you live in an area where sex therapists aren’t plentiful, he says teletherapy, or virtual therapy, may be an option.
Other healthcare providers may also be able to help, like your primary care physician or a more generalized therapist who may refer you to a sexual health specialist.
If you are in a position to, you should feel empowered to shop around for a good fit.
“This is not an easy topic for people to talk about,” says Fleming. “You need to feel that the person is open-minded, they’re not judgmental, they’re going to help you explore, and they’re really trying to help you ask the right questions — but they’re not jumping in to diagnose and pathologize.”
Remember: Your sex therapist must be a good fit for you. “Therapy is really about a relationship,” she adds. “So feeling a sense of security and safety — those are really important pieces.”
Acupuncture is, of all the alternative approaches to health care, one of the best known and most studied. A lot of people have used it to help with things like chronic pain and smoking cessation, but now there’s a trend of using acupuncture to increase your sex drive. While interest in sex can be wildly varied, loss of interest in sex can be more than a sexual problem. Low libido doesn’t just kill your boner, it can indicate emotional or physical issues or exacerbate depression. I asked an acupuncturist and a doctor whether acupuncture can help folks get their mojo back.
“Acupuncture can naturally boost libido for both men and women,” says Shari Auth, an NYC-based acupuncturist and Co-Founder of WTHN, an acupuncture and wellness clinic in Manhattan. “It works in several ways. There are acu-points all over the body that help increase sex drive, improve sexual function, and help get you out of your head and into your body, and finding that balance heightens your senses and helps you connect deeper sexually,” she says.
Sounds great, if a little woo. But most acupuncturists think that it’s healthy to be skeptical and to combine acupuncture with other treatments. “As with all medicine — acupuncture isn’t a one stop shop, nor should it be considered that,” says Kim Peirano, a San Francisco-based acupuncturist. “Efficacy of the treatment aside — the lack of significant side effects is one of the things that makes acupuncture a great treatment,” she explains. Acupuncture may not be a cure all, then, but it probably won’t hurt you.
What do medical doctors think of using acupuncture for libido? “Acupuncture may improve some of the factors that cause low libido, but others may benefit from additional western treatments,” says Joseph B. Davis, an obstetrician-gynecologist in NYC. He referred me to studies that indicate that women, in particular, might gain sexual health benefits from regular acupuncture treatments. According to a study conducted in 2018 and published in Sexual Medicine, women who received acupuncture treatments for five weeks reported an increase in sex drive. The study focused on acupuncture’s impact on symptoms rather than the why behind the results, so it’s not clear exactly what acupuncture did, in this study, to improve low libido.
Davis stresses that low libido can be a symptom of many things, and that while acupuncture may work for some causes, it may not for others. “It depends on the underlying cause. Libido may be low due to physical or psychological stress, low hormones, fatigue and low self image among other causes. Treatments should address the underlying causes,” he says. But he does seem to think that, overall, acupuncture can be beneficial for sexual health. The theory is that acupuncture can help balance out the hormones that make you feel happy – and horny.
Auth echoes that reduced interest in sex can happen for many reasons, some of which are mental and some of which are sexual. How can acupuncture possibly address everything at once? “Acupuncture balances both mental and sexual hormones. When your hormones are out of balance, stimulating and sexual experiences can be less desirable,” she asserts. “Acupuncture increases your ‘happy’ hormone, serotonin, as well as balancing sex hormones testosterone and estrogen.”
The theory is that acupuncture can help balance out the hormones that make you feel happy – and horny.
Research indeed suggests that acupuncture can boost hormone production in women, and Davis finds it worthy of exploration. “I think it’s plausible,” he says. “Some serotonin receptors increase desire and some inhibit. Testosterone increase would increase desire,” he explains. Still, studies which suggest that acupuncture can increase serotonin release have been conducted on humans, but the only studies that show that acupuncture can aid in the release of testosterone have been performed on mice. That’s important to keep in mind since while the little guys are important indicators of human health, our bodies are very different that rodents’.
If the only testosterone studies have been done on mice, can acupuncture help human men with libido-related issues? Maybe.
According to the Mayo Clinic, acupuncture can boost sperm count and help men relax. Erectile dysfunction, however, is another matter, so acupuncture may not be effective for all penis-related dilemmas. “Acupuncture may have some benefit for ED caused by psychological stress but not for ED due to physical causes,” Davis says. Research from 2019 published in World Men’s Health Journal suggested that men who experience psychological stress that caused ED showed major mojo improvement with very few side effects. That’s a lot more than can be said for pharmaceutical treatments for ED, which have some pretty unsexy side effects, like diarrhea and headache.
Davis says that he has seen acupuncture significantly improve health outcomes when used as in conjunct with medical treatments, but the woo factor is a definite barrier. “The greatest challenge facing acupuncturists is western medical providers not fully understanding the way acupuncture works within the western medicine system,” he said.
Most people in lockdown, as 75% of Americans are at the moment, are probably experiencing big changes to their usual routine. There’s no office commute, no school bus shuttle; there are no parties to attend, no group dinners to plan. It’s unsurprising, then, that for a lot of people, those changes may also be affecting their sex life.
For some, less sex during the pandemic is a given—for those who are self-isolating while single, making their usual sex lives too risky, or those whose partners are away or sickened by the virus. Meanwhile, those with the option of having more sex might well be taking it: Condoms may become the next item to be in short supply worldwide, while some have speculated that maternity wards will see an uptick in mothers giving birth nine months after the lockdowns began.
But if you’re not feeling in the mood, well, you’re not alone. On Twitter, users lamented that “general panic and despair” had led to the sudden disappearance of their libido, as one put it. Others described feeling “unappealing” or wanting to cuddle and eat snacks instead. In a poll of just over 9,000 people from NBC News, only 24% said the coronavirus outbreak had positively affected their sex lives (28% were neutral and 47% said it had affected them negatively).
Online, sex researchers and therapists acknowledge that people could really go either way. “After all, we know from a mountain of psychological research that two people can respond to the same situation in very different ways and that the factors that increase sexual desire in some can drive it down in others,” Justin Lehmiller, a sex researcher at the Kinsey Institute, wrote in a blog post.
Wondering what’s going on? There might be a few reasons why you’re feeling different about getting busy.
Fighting off the blues
“For plenty of people, when they get stressed out, sex is the farthest thing from their mind,” says Heather McPherson, a sex therapist based in Austin, Texas. Between worrying about elderly parents, figuring out how to exercise at home, and managing a new routine, “a lot of things can point toward not doing it, because you’re so focused on surviving,” she says. Meanwhile, “stress and anxiety and potentially losing your job will potentially take a toll on all relationships.”
Still, in such unusual circumstances, it’s hard to know which behaviors are most common, McPherson says. “We don’t really have good measures to go off.”
Some people may see the opposite effect altogether: “For some people, when anxiety and stress goes up, their libido kicks up,” with sex serving as a coping mechanism. This is the phenomenon dubbed the “apocalyptic hornies” by Men’s Health, perhaps contributing to a 17.8% increase in US site traffic to PornHub on March 24, compared to an average day.
Writing in Psychology Today, sex therapist Diane Gleim suggests that it all comes down to a delicate balancing act: “A person’s sex drive needs just enough anxiety/tension/uncertainty to get activated but not too much anxiety/tension/uncertainty or else the person can get overwhelmed, flooded, and then sex drive goes underground,” she writes. “Think of it like the Goldilocks principle: not too much (anxiety), not too little (anxiety), but just (the) right (amount of anxiety).”
One of the few studies into the relationship between trauma and the libido, published in the International Journal of Gynecology and Obstetrics, looked at the effect of the massive 2008 earthquake in Wenchuan, China, on the reproductive health of 170 local women. Researchers found a marked decrease in women’s satisfaction with their sex life: Before the quake, 55% of women surveyed said they were satisfied, falling to 21% afterwards. They had less sex, too: Before the quake, every woman surveyed said they were having sex at least once a week, and in the week immediately after, 89% said they had not had sex at all. Even a month later, 32% said they were still not having sex.
The economy sucks
If US history is anything to go by, a downturn in economic prospects is similarly bad news for the nation’s sex life. That’s according to studies on the nation’s birth rate: During years of prosperity, such as the 1950s, the US birth rate soared. Its greatest nadirs, meanwhile, coincided with times of economic hardship: the Great Depression of 1929, the 1973 oil crisis, and the 2008 recession.
Between 2008 and 2013, for instance, nearly 2.3 million fewer babies were born in the US than would have been expected if pre-recession fertility rates had persisted, according to one study from the University of New Hampshire’s Carsey School of Public Policy.
Some of this may be pragmatic, of course—who wants to have another child when they can barely afford the ones they have? Still, while birth rate isn’t a perfect measure for how much sex people are having (especially after 1960, when the pill went on sale as a contraceptive), it’s one of the better indicators widely available.
Too much togetherness
In long-term relationships, it can be hard to keep the mystery alive at the best of times. That goes double when you’re stuck together in the confined space of your own home, with few opportunities for independent activities or time apart.
Too much closeness, in fact, can actually hinder the kind of intimacy we look for in sex, sex therapist and relationship guru Esther Perel writes in her book Mating in Captivity:
It is too easily assumed that problems with sex are the result of a lack of closeness. But … perhaps the way we construct closeness reduces the sense of freedom and autonomy needed for sexual pleasure. When intimacy collapses into fusion, it is not a lack of closeness but too much closeness that impedes desire.
Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness. One does not exist without the other. With too much distance, there can be no connection. But too much merging eradicates the separateness of two distinct individuals. Then there is nothing more to transcend, no bridge to walk on, no one to visit on the other side, no other internal world to enter. When people become fused—when two become one—connection can no longer happen. There is no one to connect with. Thus separateness is a precondition for connection: this is the essential paradox of intimacy and sex.
During this interminable period of intense stress and anxiety, it’s hardly surprising if you find your libido vacillating from one extreme to the other. Sex therapist McPherson said many of her clients had found themselves settling gradually into a new routine after a few weeks in lockdown. As human beings, “generally, we’re pretty resilient,” she says. And when it comes to sex in quarantine, there’s one undeniable upside: “You certainly have enough time to do it.”
In many Canadian classrooms, factors like inadequate teacher training and discomfort impact what topics are addressed or avoided. Unfortunately, these circumstances mean that youth may not get the information they need to engage in healthy, positive sexual relationships.
Meanwhile, sexual health resources flourish online. Studies show that many youth seek out information about sexuality in digital spaces. Within today’s participatory social media platforms and networks, many of these resources are produced by youth, for youth. Young girls and women specifically are taking sex education into their own hands.
As a doctoral student at McGill University and a sex education practitioner, I have had the privilege of studying how young YouTubers use their media to talk to their audiences about sexual violence and sexual consent, both in my own dissertation and in collaborative research. In these studies, I looked at a mix of YouTube videos and vlogs (or video logs) from youth of all genders, aged between 14 and 30 years old.
Female YouTubers as sex educators
The YouTubers in my study, including celebrity vloggers like Meghan Hughes, Laci Green and Hannah Witton, tackle many facets of sexual consent and sexual violence in their videos. They move beyond the oversimplified “no means no” and “yes means yes” messaging that permeates consent education.
Many of the young women and girls in my samples not only define sexual consent and sexual assault, but also frame these concepts within the larger cultural, legal and political contexts in which they exist.
This is important; examining sexual violence from these broad lenses helps spotlight rape myths and victim blaming. Helping youth recognize the impacts of sexual violence and the underlining societal beliefs and structures that sustain it is a positive step towards fostering a consent culture.
I found that young women and girls are taking to YouTube for many reasons, notably, to express themselves, to educate, respond to others, share their narratives and promote social change. Within their videos, several of the YouTubers in my studies actively encourage their audiences to respect sexual consent, to support survivors and to fight rape culture — for example, by how they vote.
Similar to young feminist activists in other online spaces, these YouTubers are positioning themselves as agents of change and using their vast networks to make a difference (some have hundreds of thousands of subscribers). Audiences listening to YouTube videos can therefore learn how about the skills and knowledge they need to engage in healthy relationships, and more broadly, to help prevent sexual violence.
I found that these girls and young women address sexual consent and sexual violence in creative and engaging ways. In their videos, they use emotional narratives, snappy media effects, music, examples that resonate with youth realities and informal language.
Their production choices lend to an authentic and conversational feel. In many ways, these videos offer a form of sex edutainment, combining educational elements with entertainment, to attract young YouTube audiences.
YouTube pitfalls
There are several benefits to learning about sexuality on YouTube: there is a large selection of videos, audiences can watch them 24/7 and there are opportunities for dialogue. However, accessible features also open doors to potential harmful rhetoric.
I found that some YouTubers (male and female) perpetuate harmful stereotypes and misinformation about survivors and sexual violence. Trolls often showed up in the comments. In fairy tales, trolls lurk under bridges waiting for victims they can eat — in the digital spaces I studied, many hid under the cape of free speech and openly mocked female YouTubers, women in general and feminists.
This was not a surprise; it’s well known that the internet can be a dangerous space for women and girls. Sarah Banet-Weiser, professor of media and communications at the London School of Economics, correctly describes popular feminism and misogyny as warring ideologies, with digital spaces being one of their battlegrounds. YouTube is no exception.
Viewers should also be aware of the corporate nature of YouTube. As researcher and lecturer Sophie Bishop points out in her study of beauty vloggers, YouTube’s “algorithmic political economy” means the platform will prioritize videos deemed more commercially viable. Some celebrity YouTubers are financially supported by companies, while others are looking for sponsorship — both of which may affect video content and performance. The algorithms also mean a diversity of voices may be left out.
Supporting youth
Parents can can help youth navigate the messages they see on YouTube and elsewhere. You and your child can also play an important role in sexual violence prevention and the promotion of consent culture in the following ways:
Ask and listen. Show interest in what youth are are watching, without judgement. Taking the time to listen to them describe the spaces that they occupy can help build the trust needed to talk to them about the messages they consume.
Practise critical media literacy skills with your kids. We cannot control what is said on the internet; however, we can teach youth to be critical of media messages and to be responsible content producers. MediaSmarts has tip sheets for parents.
Address the trolls. Youth already know about trolls. However, it may be helpful to discuss with them how to deal with hateful online comments. There is no best solution: learning more about it may be a good first start.
Be prepared for conversations about sexuality and sexual violence. If you are comfortable talking about consent, have open, non-judgmental conversations. If you aren’t comfortable talking about sexuality or consent, or you are aware that your views may not be healthy, help your child find resources (such as GoAskAlice or Amaze) and someone they trust that they can talk to (a family member, or friend or a local community organization).
Teach yourself and be prepared to “unlearn.” Rape myths, victim blaming and other harmful views of survivors are perpetuated across all types of media and platforms. Learn about them and reflect on the ways that you can cultivate positive values and beliefs that support healthy relationships and consent culture.
Keep an open mind: this may require questioning your own attitudes, assumptions and behaviours. Your conversations may lead into the social and cultural realities youth are navigating every day.
While self-isolation is a challenge in and of itself, it posesuniqueproblems for couples who are isolating together. People who are used to seeing their partner at the end of the day now find themselves in the position of not only living full-time with their significant other, but also working alongside them. Mix this in with everyone finding different coping strategies for the widespread grief that comes with the COVID-19 pandemic, and it’s no wonder that tensions at home might get high.
Esther Perel, renowned therapist and author, is tackling this issue with her new podcast, Where Should We Begin?: Couples Under Lockdown. In it, she offers couples therapy to those who are self-isolating together. This week, Perel joined Kara Swisher and Scott Galloway on their Pivot podcast for their weekly “Friends of Pivot” segment, where they speak to an expert to gain more insight into an important issue. Perel also discussed why some people might come out of this wanting to get married, while others will come out wanting a divorce or a breakup — “disasters generally operate as an accelerator in a relationship.”
Tell us what your thoughts are, sort of your high-level thoughts, of the challenges couples and families are facing right now.
Look, there’s a number of very interesting dynamics happening and they’re not going to be in order of importance, but each and every one of them is significant. First it’s the fact that usually in a family or in a couple you have multiple roles of which there is a location for these roles. There is a place to be the parent, there’s a place to be the lover, a place to be the partner, place to be the friend, the professional, the worker. Here you have a collapse of all the roles in one space and they are intersecting with each other all the time. The only boundary left is the mute button on your Zoom. Then you have the fact that people are experiencing prolonged uncertainty, acute stress, the grief that comes with the world that you have known no longer being nearly as predictable and no one knowing really where this is going.
But people don’t mention it as grief, so what they have is different coping styles about how they deal with the unknown. Those who become clear organizers because it’s as if order will provide a bulwark against the chaos of the external world and the one that is rising inside of us and those who are wanting to talk all the time with other people and check in and have a sense of what’s going on with everyone and those who are thinking that their partner is making too big a deal of it and those who are thinking that their partner is not cautious enough. And so you have this polarization going on around the way that people deal with fear, with anger, with the preparations if you want to this impending disaster that is literally coming at us.
And then I think what your colleague described here, which is also interesting, disasters generally operate as an accelerator in a relationship. It means that life is short, mortality is hitting you. It’s like in the shadow right here. And then either people say, “Life is short, let’s get married, let’s have babies. What are we waiting for?” Or on the other side, “Life is short. I’ve waited long enough, I’m out of here.” And so we’ve known that there is generally a spike in divorce and a spike in marriage and babies that follows disasters.
Talk about the idea of grief.
I mean it’s the word that really will help us make sense of what goes on. Grief is not just about death in the physical sense. It’s the grief that accompanies a worldview. And what happens when you have a plague, when you have a pandemic, is that you are reminded that death can randomly exterminate you and it can throw your world upside down like that. Yesterday they were still running in the park and today he’s gone. We know it, but the level, the frequency and the intensity at which we’re experiencing this right now. So there is the sense of the world that we’ve known, there is the sense of the routines that we’ve had, the relationship that we’ve known. It’s that sense of impending loss that we talk about with grief or what is often called anticipatory grief.
Because in some places it hasn’t hit yet, but everybody’s talking about, “It’s coming, it’s coming. It’s this week away.” It’s like being in the beginning of a horror film where the set and the characters have all been set up, but the action is yet to start or it’s just starting slowly and you know that you’re going to get really, really scared. So in the process of grief you have different stages and different ways that people react. Now these are not linearly laid out. People go back and forth with each other and inside themselves or in their community. So you have the people at first that are getting into gear and began stockpiling and began preparing and knew it very early on. They kind of knew something bad is happening and you had the other people that were considered in denial. Why?
Because they said, “This isn’t happening here, this is happening elsewhere. This can’t be happening here.” And gradually people start to think, “Who is there? Where is the government? Where are the leaders? Where is the health, the med, the public health facilities and strategies worldwide that are meant to protect us against something like that?” And so then you have stages, denial, anger, bargaining. You bargain, you create order, you think you’re going to be super productive, you’re going to work much better, and then you realize that in fact your productivity is much lesser. People are all over the world, they’re working more and they’re producing less and they are using the very devices that used to keep us apart as the prime way to stay connected.
But at the end of the day they don’t really want to call somebody else because they’ve had it sitting at a screen and they are exhausted. People talk about feeling exhausted and part of the exhaustion is because you try to organize your life in practicalities and not think about the bigger issue, the bigger meaning of what is happening, which is we are vulnerable creatures and no matter how much toilet paper you bought, you can only protect yourself up to a certain point and that is a much more sombering, sad, less resilient American effort optimism kind of approach.
Some of us are mating in actual captivity. Some of us not at all. The pandemic raises lots of issues around safe intimate physical contact, and what it may look like in the future.
By Jen Gunter
These are not sexy times.
As an obstetrician and gynecologist in the Bay Area, I’ve been caring for my patients via telemedicine for the past three weeks because of the new coronavirus pandemic. When I ask patients about new sex partners — a standard question for me — the answer is a universal “no.” They are taking California’s shelter-in-place very seriously.
In fact, many of my patients are more interested in updates about the virus than the medical (and often sexual) problem for which they were referred.
The pandemic has most of the world practicing exceptional hand hygiene and social distancing. This coronavirus is so new that we don’t know what we don’t know, and while fresh information is coming at an incredible pace, one medical recommendation has remained constant: the need for social distancing.
This time has been an exercise in prioritizing needs from wants. So where does sex fall on that spectrum?
Are we even wanting sex these days?
It’s hard to know yet. While some people may turn to sex for comfort or as a temporary distraction, these are unprecedented times and we don’t have much data.
Depression and anxiety have a negative effect on libido. Some people are out of work, too, and unemployment can affect sexual desire. The kind of worry people are experiencing crosses so many domains: job security, health, friends’ and family’s health, retirement and the ability to have access to medical care, to name a few.
One study that looked at the effect of the 2008 Wenchuan earthquake in China on the reproductive health of married women found sexual activity decreased significantly, and not just in the week after the earthquake.
Before the earthquake, 67 percent of married women reported they were having sex two or more times a week. One week after the earthquake, that number fell to 4 percent. By four weeks, only 24 percent reported they were having sex two or more times a week, well below the baseline.
While this study is retrospective data — women were asked to recall their sexual activity eight weeks after the earthquake — and an earthquake isn’t the same thing as a pandemic, it seems unlikely that sexual activity overall will increase.
However, trauma — and these are certainly traumatic times for some — can also lead to sexual risk taking, like unprotected sex or sex under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
What is considered ‘safe sex’ right now?
Your risk for infection with the new coronavirus starts as soon as someone gets within six feet of you. (And of course, if you do have sex, your risk for pregnancy and S.T.I.s remains the same, and the previous definition of “safe sex” still applies.)
You’ve read this elsewhere: Covid-19 is transmitted by droplet nuclei, tiny specks of infectious material far too small to see. They are sprayed from the nose and mouth by breathing, talking, coughing and sneezing.
A person contracts the virus sharing the same airspace — a six-foot radius, the distance droplet nuclei are believed to travel (although with coughing they may travel farther) — and inhaling the infectious particles. Or the droplet nuclei land on an object or surface, making it infectious. Touch that surface and then your face and the chain of transmission is complete.
If you do have sex with someone who is infected with the new coronavirus, there is nothing we can recommend, be it showering head to toe with soap before and immediately after sex, or using condoms, to reduce your risk of infection. (The New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene issued these guidelines.)
We don’t know if the new coronavirus is present in vaginal secretions or ejaculate, but it has been identified in stool. Based on what we currently know about transmission of coronavirus, penetrative vaginal or anal sex or oral sex seem unlikely to pose a significant risk of transmission.
Who are the safest partners?
It’s best to limit sex to your household sex partner (HSP), who should also be following recommendations for hand hygiene and social distancing. The World Health Organization currently lists the risk of household transmission as 3 to 10 percent, but this is based on preliminary data. We don’t know what role kissing or sexual activity plays in transmission.
The idea of limiting sexual contact to your household partner and social distancing in general is about ending the chain of transmission to your household should one person become infected.
If your HSP is sick with symptoms of Covid-19, or has been exposed, definitely don’t have sex. They may be too fatigued anyway, but your risk of being infected will likely go up in close, intimate contact. Sleep in separate bedrooms if possible.
If you have more than one bathroom, designate one for the sick or exposed person. Try to stay six feet apart and be fastidious about cleaning surfaces. If they were exposed, living as separate as possible in your home for 14 days is recommended.
What if I’m in a new relationship and had planned to get other S.T.I. testing done?
Many labs are overwhelmed with coronavirus testing, so you may not get results for some S.T.I.s — like gonorrhea, chlamydia and herpes — as fast as before. Given the short supply of test kits for Covid-19, many medical centers and labs are taking swabs and liquid from other test kits to jury-rig testing kits for the new coronavirus, so sampling kits for genital infections may be in short supply.
Ask your health provider because work flows may vary locally and may change day to day. But if you are at risk of an S.T.I., you should still seek out a test as soon as possible.
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What if I don’t have an HSP? Am I now celibate?
Yes, I’m sorry to say, those are the recommendations. For now.
But this doesn’t mean you can’t meet people online — start talking on the phone, have video chats, sext or have phone sex if that’s your thing.
And if someone you meet online is encouraging you to meet in person? That not only tells you how they view their own safety, but, even more important, how they view yours.
What about a ‘Covid sex buddy’?
I’ve heard people talk about this: a sexual partner who agrees to socially distance with everyone else, but the two of you will hook up for mutual release.
I really discourage this (for now): Social distancing means limiting contact with people outside of your household. Each additional person added to the household increases risk. And of course, you are depending on this person to be as vigilant with social distancing as you are — not to mention the risk during transportation between your home and your partner’s. At the moment, the risk is too high.
Might we see people in close proximity hooking up who both tested positive for Covid-19 and are now 14 days post-positive test? It would not surprise me. However, we don’t know much about immunity (protection from reinfection) against Covid-19 after an infection. And because tests are in short supply, many people have presumptive infections but can’t be tested.
With seasonal coronaviruses that cause a common cold, immunity lasts about a year, but with the more serious coronaviruses like SARS or MERS, immunity seems to last longer. But we still don’t know enough to make concrete recommendations in terms of post-illness behavior.
What about sex toys?
Sex toys aren’t likely to be a method of coronavirus transmission if you have been using them alone. However, if you shared your toys within the past 72 hours, make sure they are appropriately cleaned and wash your hands afterward as the virus may stay active of some surfaces for up to three days.
And do not clean sex toys with hand sanitizer or use hand sanitizer immediately before masturbating, because it can be very irritating to the vagina or rectum. Ouch.
Is it safe to buy new sex toys?
Judging from the state of my inbox, it appears that a lot of vibrators are on sale. Is this a good time to take advantage of a deal and the extra time on your hands?
Paying electronically is safer than an in-store purchase: Paying online means no one is physically handling a credit card or cash.
As for the delivery itself, there is lab data suggesting the new coronavirus is viable up to 24 hours on cardboard. Washing your hands after opening and throwing away the delivery box seems like an appropriate mitigation strategy. Letting that box sit for a day (if possible) before opening may be a good idea, although we don’t know how the lab data of the virus survival on surfaces translates to the real world.
Does your online purchase of a nonessential (as much as it pains me to say this, a vibrator is a “want,” not a “need”) put someone else at increased risk? Workers at large warehouses where social distancing isn’t possible may be at increased risk, especially if they don’t have sick pay, so taking time off if exposed isn’t possible.
One option is to consider a local small business that can take your payment over the phone or online and arrange a curbside pickup.
What will safe sex look like in the future?
Right now the only safe sex is no sex with partners outside your household.
If you or your HSP are at high risk, should you take extra precautions to further reduce the risk of transmission — giving up sex and kissing, sleeping in separate bedrooms — in case one of you has an asymptomatic infection? Asking your doctor for guidance here is probably wise.
But what about when we emerge from our homes again — which may be some months away — and start thinking about in-person dating, and even mating?
No one knows if we are all going to have the urge to have sex after this quasi-hibernation. One concern is a potential surge in risk-taking and S.T.I.s. in the immediate aftermath of the pandemic. (After all, you can’t assume that if someone was celibate during the pandemic they don’t have an S.T.I.; most S.T.I.s don’t cause symptoms and could have predated the new coronavirus.)
If that all sounds fairly bleak, well, it is. For now, the new coronavirus probably means less partner sex overall, whether that’s because of the lack of a household sex partner for some or a drop in desire for others. Or both.
Hopefully, though, this is just for now.
Because the more everyone commits to social distancing, the faster we can all get back — and down — to business.
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