As recently as 10 years ago, the idea of coming out and being accepted as homosexual or bisexual felt unthinkable for countless LGBQ teens. Society has seen significant progression in recent years, though, and a new study finds that the number of U.S. teens openly identifying themselves as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or questioning has doubled between 2009 and 2017. Unfortunately, despite progress in this regard, the study also notes that LGBQ teenage suicide attempt rates are still disturbingly high.
In 2009, the LGBQ teenage attempted suicide rate was five times that of their straight peers. In 2017, while the rate did see a slight decline, it was still four times higher than the attempted suicide rate among straight teens.
“Large disparities in suicide attempts persisted even as the percent of students identifying as LGBQ increased. In 2017, more than 20% of LGBQ teens reported attempting suicide in the past year,” says lead study author Dr. Julia Raifman, assistant professor of health law, policy & management at Boston University’s School of Public Health, in a release.
“It’s critical that health and educational institutions have policies and programs in place to protect and improve LGBQ health, such as medical school curricula and high school health curricula that are inclusive of sexual minority health,” Dr. Raifman adds.
Raifman and her team believe that LGBQ rights, or perhaps lack thereof, play a significant role in subsequent teenage suicide attempts. In a separate study conducted in 2017, Raifman found that the legalization of same-sex marriage coincided with a 7% decrease in all high school student suicide attempts. Additionally, numerous previous research projects have noted that anti-LGBQ policies are seriously detrimental to the LGBQ community’s overall mental health.
“Our new paper indicates that an increasing number of teenagers are identifying as LGBQ, and will be affected by anti-LGBQ policies that may elevate these already very high rates of suicide attempts” she says.
Only six U.S. states continuously collected data on sexual orientation among teens between 2009-2017; Rhode Island, Maine, Delaware, Illinois, North Dakota, and Massachusetts. Among those six, only Connecticut, Delaware, Rhode Island, and Illinois kept track of the gender of sexually-active students’ partners, and made a distinction between consensual sexual activity and sexual assault. So, the research team were left with sexual orientation data on 110,243 high school students, and further information on the consensual sexual activity of 25,994 students within that larger group.
Using all that data, researchers determined that the percentage of high school students openly identifying themselves as LGBQ doubled from 7.3% in 2009 to 14.3% in 2017. Breaking those statistics down a bit further, the percentage of openly gay or lesbian students increased from 1.4% to 2.8%, bisexual teens went up from 3.9% to 7.2%, and teens unsure about their sexuality increased from 2.0% to 4.3%. Meanwhile, the number of sexual active high schoolers who reported same-sex sexual activity went up from 7.7% to 13.1%.
In 2009, and again in 2017, roughly 6% of heterosexual high school students reported attempting suicide over the previous year. In comparison, 26.7% of LGBQ teens attempted suicide in 2009, and 20.1% did the same in 2017.
High school can be a tough time for anyone, regardless of their sexual orientation, and the results of this study make it clear that LGBQ teens are in need of additional support and acceptance as they navigate the pitfalls of growing up.
When we polled our readers earlier this month on what they’ve always wanted to ask a sex coach, they flooded our DM’s with questions, concerns, and complaints about their partners’…techniques.
One thing to note: whatever is going on in the bedroom isn’t a “just you” issue, per se. According to the Cleveland Clinic, 43 percent of women and 31 percent of men experience some type of sexual dysfunction during their lifetimes, including low libido and low confidence. And so many readers submitted the exact same questions and the same deepest darkest secrets. You’re normal. Sex can be weird! Let’s talk about it.
Below, Gigi Engle, SKYN sex and intimacy expert and certified sex coach and author of All The F*cking Mistakes, answered questions submitted by HelloGiggles readers. Don’t see your concern below? Check out the rest of our State of Female Pleasure package for more sexpert advice.
How do I tell my partner that I’ve been faking my orgasms without hurting their feelings?
Your partner may have hurt feelings but the important thing is to assure them that you like everything they’re doing and you were faking orgasms because things felt good but you just felt you weren’t going to get “there.” Offer to show them exactly what feels good for you with gentle guidance.
How do I stop faking orgasms without offending my boyfriend?
Having an open conversation with your partner about this can be challenging. Sex is an emotionally charged thing and many of us lack the vocabulary to communicate our needs. Let your partner know that you want to try some new sex things together. You want to show him new ways to touch you and to have more orgasms. Tell them you love your sex life so he feels good about himself and then offer some guidance. When it comes to faking, if you feel like you’re not going to get there, offer some gentle guidance. Maybe you could use some more oral sex, or a toy during sex. Make those suggestions to him.
How can I be more comfortable in my body during sex?
Masturbate, masturbate, masturbate. When you get in touch with your body and internal energy, you start to feel so much more comfortable in your power. Having control over your own orgasm is empowering and will help you feel good when guiding someone in how to touch you. Body confidence is not something that happens overnight. Look at yourself in the mirror naked and tell your body how much you love it; how it takes care of you, gets you where you need to go, and is strong for you. It does not matter what you look like. You’re beautiful and sexy and powerful.
What can I do to get my partner to explore other fun sexual options? Ex: BDSM.
Make a sex menu. You write down three things you want to try and then have [them] write down three things [they’d] want to try. Then, swap lists and see what you both are interested in. This gives you a pressure-free way to learn about your partners desires and to share your own. Introduce [them] to new things slowly—maybe start out with a new lube or small sex toy. For BDSM specifically, you don’t need to go buy a bunch of expensive gear. Use a tee shirt as a blindfold and a necktie as handcuffs. It’s really not as complicated and scary as some people tend to think!
I can’t orgasm at all! Is there something wrong with me?
There is definitely nothing wrong with you. This is super common! Orgasms are 90 percent mental and 10 percent physical. So, you need to be in a positive headspace. If you believe you cannot come, your brain tells your body you can’t come, and then … you don’t come! The first thing to do is to step outside of this negative feedback loop. Take orgasm off the table for a while and focus on pleasure. Buy some sex toys (SKYN Vibes is my go-to). Take time to masturbate and see what you like. Don’t worry so much about orgasming and eventually orgasms will come.
How to move past (unknown) mental roadblocks that make it hard to orgasm with a partner?
Being present and in the moment can be very challenging when life comes at you. It’s key to remember that sex is important and life is always going to be busy. Breathe into your body and try to be more intentional. Watch some porn to keep you focused or listen to an erotic story while you’re having sexy time. Sometimes we need to ignite all of our senses to stay in the moment. Treat sex like a meditation: It’s a time to focus and breathe and enjoy.
How do you deal with extraordinary clitoral sensitivity?
Try different touch than straight up clitoral rubbing. Touch the labia, the mons, and vaginal opening. Try layering the labia over the clitoris when you use a sex toy on a low vibration setting. Sometimes having a barrier can provide comfort. You can also circle the clitoris rather than putting vibration or a tongue directly on it.
You might also benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy in tandem with working with and OBGYN. There may be an underlying medical issue that should be addressed. Seeking the help of a well-rounded team of professionals who are there to work for you is a grounded way to get the orgasms and sex you deserve.
Sex is a topic we never stop exploring because of its unparalleled complexity in our lives. It’s the way our genes replicate and also a way that humans bond and also a place for our imaginations to play. That’s a lot of meaning for one activity. Because human sexuality is so multi-layered, a lot of us find ourselves having desires that we find confusing. A friend of mine recently asked how they could tell the difference between sexual fantasies that are “normal,” and fantasies that are cause for concern. I checked in with some experts in the field of sexuality to help.
First of all, there is no “normal.” “Worry about whether or not we are normal is one of the most common difficulties people have with their sexuality — behavior as well as fantasy — and this preoccupation leads to dysfunction on so many levels,” says Carol Queen, a sex educator at Good Vibrations (one of the most famous sex shop brands in the world) and one of the authors of The Sex and Pleasure Book. “Worrying about being normal promotes anxiety and shame.” Queen says that when she does sex education work that, “Am I normal?” is the most common question.
Secondly, as Queen explains, it doesn’t matter if your fantasies are “normal” or not, for two reasons. “One, they are fantasies. They are thoughts that can exist independently of a person’s behavior,” Queen says. “Two, even if a person chooses to act out a fantasy, the important metric is whether they can do so in a safe and consensual way. It’s more important to be able to be yourself than to conform to a vague notion of what normal is.”
Once we set the idea of normalcy aside, we can get to some more important matters. If your fantasies scare you or your partner, you might want to look into them with the help of a therapist. “Sometimes it is possible that repressed sexual trauma manifests itself as a particular kink,” says Angela Watson, a sex therapist and author at Doctor Climax, a sex toy review site. “Your kink should satisfy you as a sexual being, not placate mental anguish within you,” she explains. If you are using a particular kind of sex act or fantasy in order to cope with emotional pain, it doesn’t mean that the fantasy is bad or wrong, but it may mean that you have some emotional work to do that would benefit your emotional state in and outside the bedroom.
So how can you tell the difference between a kink that’s just a kink and a kink that is potentially carrying emotional weight that needs to be dealt with in therapy? Most of the experts I spoke with agreed that your fantasy is probably only problematic if you need the kink to be satisfied in order to get off and the kink itself is not sexual in nature. “If a sexual encounter is only satisfying when certain boxes are ticked that are unrelated to sex, you might have a bigger issue worth exploring,” says Watson. To put this in practical terms, if one of your kinks is humiliation (a very common kink), that’s fine unless you cannot come to orgasm unless your partner berates you for, say, your terrible parallel parking ability.
It should go without saying that no matter what your fantasies are, if you want other folks to participate in them, they should be able to do so with full awareness of what they’re getting into, you need their enthusiastic consent, and they should be legal. “A kink should be able to be enjoyed by two — or more — consenting adults and should not contravene any existing laws,” Watson says. “I mean laws like theft, assault, or murder as opposed to laws meant to control lifestyle choices. If your kink results in fun that doesn’t hurt anybody mentally or physically and isn’t punishable by law, why contain them?” Don’t worry, Dr. Climax, I surely won’t.
Researchers at University College London suggested that women who have sex at least once a week reduce their risk of early menopause. The study, published in the Royal Society Open Science journal, was designed to test the theory that women’s bodies may stop releasing eggs when the body senses that a woman is no longer likely to get pregnant – for example because she is no longer having sex. Researchers, however, only looked at women in their 40s and 50s.
There are many reasons why people may abstain from sex, from asexuality to having a low sex drive or simply choosing not to engage in it. For some, not having sex can be important for their mental health.
But as more and more young people turn their backs on the extracurricular activity, one question remains: Can having less sex – or none at all – damage our health?
The short answer is no, says Dr Leila Frodsham, consultant gynaecologist and spokesperson for the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists. “There is widespread evidence of regular sexual activity and health benefits in both sexes, however, there is little clear evidence of harm from not having regular sex,” she told Refinery29. “In fact, people with both mental and physical health issues may find sex is more difficult to enjoy and forming sexual relationships is more difficult.”
“There are numerous benefits to having frequent sex – it counts as exercise, and improves your cardiovascular health and reduces your blood pressure. Regular sex can also strengthen your pelvic floor muscles, which could help with bladder control,” says Dr Eleanor Draeger, a specialist in genitourinary medicine and spokesperson for the British Association for Sexual Health and HIV. “Orgasms are associated with a release of endorphins and serotonin and can, therefore, help to relieve pain, including menstrual cramps. And one study showed that masturbation could improve migraines.
“Although both sex and masturbation both have health benefits, not doing so is not necessarily unhealthy. And there are other ways to ensure that you are experiencing the same health benefits as those afforded by regular orgasms.”
Dr Draeger suggests that you can improve your cardiovascular health by doing another form of exercise, such as running or cycling. Other ways to relieve stress and anxiety include having a hot bath and reading a good book.
She added that while regular orgasms can increase vaginal lubrication and blood flow to the vulval area, as well as increasing your libido, “it does not mean that without orgasm you will inevitably experience vaginal dryness.”
Dr Draeger concludes: “It is important to note that it is entirely healthy to want to masturbate, whether you are in a relationship or not, but that does not mean that it is unhealthy if you don’t want to.”
“Cuckolding” is one of those sex terms that you’ve probably seen pop up somewhere on the internet (hello, porn sites), but you might never have known what it actually means. As the world becomes more woke to all kinds of monogamy, polyamory, and everything in between, people are becoming more and more open about enjoying cuckolding in the bedroom. So, here’s everything you need to know.
What is cuckolding?
Cuckolding is essentially a form of consensual non-monogamy, where one partner watches their lover having sex with another person. Often, cuckolding involves the observing partner (known as the cuckold) being present in the room while they watch, but they could also observe by being sent messages or photos of what is happening.
How is cuckolding different from polyamory?
Cuckolding differs from other forms of consensual non-monogamy (CNM) as it’s all focused on watching what’s happening. Other kinds of CNM include polyamory, where someone has multiple romantic partners, but cuckolding is usually purely sexual rather than romantic. Another kind of CNM is swinging, where couples swap sexual partners, but when it comes to cuckolding, the person observing usually doesn’t physically participate in any sexual activity.
What is the history of cuckolding?
The word “cuckold” is derived from the cuckoo bird, which lays its eggs in other birds’ nests, meaning that the birds go on to raise chicks that aren’t their own. “Cuckold” was first used in medieval times to describe the husband of an unfaithful wife who, unaware of his wife’s infidelity, would raise children that clearly weren’t his own, like with cuckoo birds.
The modern-day usage of the word “cuckolding” as a fetish differs from its origins, as the cuckold is aware of and is consenting to their partner sleeping with another person.
While the origins of the term describe cuckolding as a husband watching his wife with another man, cuckolding can be done any way you want, whether it’s a female partner watching their male partner with another woman or another man, or whether everybody involved is male or female or of any other gender.
Why do people enjoy cuckolding?
There are various reasons why people might enjoy cuckolding as a fetish or a form of consensual non-monogamy. Some people introduce cuckolding as a way of combatting boredom or repetition in a relationship, and find that sexual variety actually strengthens their relationship with their partner, especially as they’re able to learn more about what their partner enjoys. For others, the jealousy they feel from watching their partner with another person adds an exciting element to their relationship and can add a new dimension to their sex life.
“Cuckolding may trigger sexual jealousy,” says psychosexual and relationship therapist Aoife Drury. “The thought of their [the cuckold’s] partner being with someone else may be quite arousing.”
Aoife adds that another reason cuckolding can be enjoyable is because “it’s about seeing sexual satisfaction or empowerment from your partner and that being a turn on. This actually has a name and is defined as compersion.”
Cuckolding is a great way of strengthening communication in a relationship, as it requires honesty from both partners about what they enjoy, what they don’t and what their boundaries are if they do feel jealous or uncomfortable. Couples who have tried cuckolding often report that it strengthens the bond between them, as they’re able to trust each other and talk openly about their desires.
Cuckolding can also be considered a subset of BDSM. “An aspect of BDSM can be humiliation, and the thought of [the cuckold] feeling or being humiliated could also be exciting. Our brains have the ability to turn something degrading into something powerfully erotic,” says Aoife. Sexologist Dr. Jill McDevitt adds, “the arousal that comes from relinquishing power and being humiliated (which is a form of masochism)” can be part of what makes cuckolding enjoyable.
As well as the cuckold, the partner who is sleeping with somebody else can enjoy cuckolding because it means they get to experience sexual variety with somebody else, and they can show their partner first-hand what they like.
How can you introduce cuckolding into your relationship?
Start by being open with your partner, letting them know that this is something you want to try, and explaining what it is if they’re unsure. The important thing is to make sure that everyone involved is comfortable and consenting to what is happening. Cuckolding requires “tons of communication, discussion of safer sex methods, and consideration of the physical and emotional safety of all involved, including the third party,” says Dr. Jill.
“Cuckolding can very much be part of healthy relationships as long as you are both open, honest and content with it being part of your sex lives,” adds Aoife. “The most important aspect of all sexual activity is consent. It is important when someone has a kink or fetish that they are communicating openly with all parties involved, and everyone is happy.
“If it is something that you would like to start off with, it is vital to understand what may be brought up. Seeing your partner with someone else may be quite upsetting so taking it slow is of utmost importance. Finally I would encourage partners to draw out parameters and rules so that there are clear boundaries; perhaps that’s not having sex with someone you know or for cuckolding not to occur in your home.
“To start off with trying out cuckolding, maybe ask your partner to describe a fantasy about having sex with a different partner. That can be past partners, people you or they fancy or even a celebrity. Sometimes this may be enough for both parties and they have no interest in taking things further.
“If you are both happy and wanted to take the next step, try going to a bar and watching them flirt with someone else. The next step, if that goes well, is your partner having sex with someone else and then recounting the experience to you.”
Hello again! I’m here to talk about the Kiiroo Onyx 2.
I confess; I’m a wanker. I know that word is often used as a put down, particularly where I come from. I’m originally from the UK, Manchester to be precise, but have been in the US since I was 13. But I’m proud of my masturbation skills. I’ve been pullin’ my pud since I was just a lad and I’m now 35.
Get this, my da caught me wankin’ away like the little pervert I was when I was just eleven. Embarrassing, huh? Actually, it was OK. I think he was as embarrassed as me. Anyhow, after that he and I have been able to talk quite openly about sex, which, I think, has been good for both of us.
So, I’m proud to say that I’m a connoisseur of playing with myself. I’ve tried numerous strokers and masturbators in my time. I know what works and what don’t work. With that then, let’s take a look at the Onyx 2. There’s lots to see.
I’m going to start with the box. Onyx 2 comes in a very sturdy white cardboard with a picture of the product on the front. The sides and back are plastered with little icons that tout the many different features of the Onyx 2. Little descriptors come in seven languages. All the packaging is recyclable, which is good and environmentally responsible.
Inside the box you will find the Onyx 2, a USB charging cable (This thing is rechargeable.), a little instruction manual in many languages, a warranty/registration card, a Fleshlight SuperSkin insert (Lots more about this to come.), and a free trial for FeelMe. (Porn that can sync with the Onyx 2).
First things first. Ya gotta charge the Onyx 2 for 4-6 hours before use. There’s an easy to access covered port near the base of the unit. You’ll get about an hour of play on a full charge.
While the unit is charging you can begin to set it up for use. Here’s where things get a little tricky.
The Onyx 2 has a removable cap on the bottom. Lifting the cap is easy. Once the cap is removed you can see the space-aged innards. It’s very cool. Now ya have to carefully pry off a plastic lip so that you can insert the Fleshlight sleeve. This wasn’t as easy as I hoped. The plastic is thin, and I was afraid I was going to break it if I pried too hard. In the end it came off just fine.
Next I opened the sealed packet containing the Fleshlight sleeve. This is where my problems began.
My experience was nothing like this.
I used to own a Fleshlight. I thought it was brilliant at first. But, after a few uses, the SuperSkin insert began to deteriorate. Unlike silicone, SuperSkin is porous, contains phthalates, and is not hypoallergenic. Cleaning it is a headache and even if you’re careful washing and drying it, it won’t last like silicone. And don’t even think about sharing a SuperSkin toy.
When I opened the sealed packet containing the Fleshlight sleeve I was shocked to discover that the insert had melted into itself. Very disappointing! I know what the sleeve was supposed to look like, a condom sized ribbed insert, because I saw pictures of it online. (See the photo above.) Mine didn’t look anything like this picture. Mine was a white blob. I carefully tried to pull the sticky mess apart. (Had it been in its package too long?) SuperSkin is really stretchy, so I was partially successful in pulling it into shape. I say partially because I tore two little holes in it with my effort. Frankly, after this irritating little adventure, I wanted to walk away from this whole exercise.
Why in the world would a company make a $200+ engineering marvel of a toy and have the use of the toy depend on a crummy, yeah, I’m gonna say it, unhealthy insert? What, a silicone insert, one that would be easy to clean, wouldn’t degrade, and be easy to use over and over again, and that would be nonporous, phthalate-free, and hypoallergenic, wasn’t available? Disappointed!!
OK, so I finally get the sleeve stretched out to the best of my ability and slip it into the core of the Onyx 2. Now I had to arrange the base of the sleeve on the top of the unit so that I could replace the plastic lip. This is supposed to keep the sleeve in place while in use. This step is way easier said than done. The SuperSkin is a bit greasy so it was a struggle to get it into just the right position for the plastic lip to hold it and snap back into place.
Once I finally had the Onyx 2 set up I replaced the cap and let it finish charging. I was glad for this hiatus because my libido was tamped down big time after all the struggle to get this fuckin’ thing set up. No toy, especially a very expensive toy should be this troublesome, if ya ask me.
The next day I approached the Onyx 2 again. I had my water-based lube in hand (You can only use water-based lube with SuperSkin.) and I was ready to bust a nut.
Just so you know, you can either just switch on the unit and use it in manually, (You control the speed and sensations using the touch-sensitive strip on the front.) or you can check out some interactive porn using the FeelMe site.
I chose the first option. I wanted to get a feel, so to speak, for what the Onyx 2 could do on its own. I had to use a lot of lube to get started. This got a bit messy, as I knew it would. I prepared by having some wipes ready to clean my hands throughout. Otherwise using the control panel, or even holding the thing, would have been difficult.
(If you’re going the interactive route, you have to install the FeelMe app from your app store, pair your device with the app, and then navigate your way to an interactive porn site.)
The Onyx 2, once it is set up, is basically a hands-free device. It does all the work for you. It will literally rub one out for you without even thrusting. Cool. It’s pretty lightweight, comparatively speaking, and quiet too.
I watched some of my own go-to porn and had a very satisfying orgasm. So YAY for that!
After my session was over, I removed the plastic lip which was holding the Fleshlight sleeve in place and pulled out the insert. I had every intention to try to clean it for another use, but to my dismay, there was lube all over the inside of the core. I know, I know, it was my fault. I used the Fleshlight SuperSkin sleeve even though I had punctured it when I was trying to stretch it out. What a bummer. Now I had to clean out the core.
This did nothing for my post-orgasm afterglow.
I looked on the Kiiro site for replacement sleeves for the Onyx 2, but couldn’t find any. There were replacement sleeves available for one of their other products, but not for the Onyx 2. So now what’s a person to do?
Because I’m a plucky little wanker, I didn’t let the SuperSkin debacle get me totally down. The next time I tried the Onyx 2 I wore two condoms on my willy and slipped it onto the Onyx 2’s core so I could enjoy the great sensation it had to offer. This worked out OK, but wasn’t optimum. I don’t think I should have to improvise with a product that costs over $200.
I know that the Onyx 2 has other capabilities, like connecting with a partner and her toy, but I didn’t go there. Mainly because my wife would have had to have her own interactive toy. (Actually, she noticed all the problems I was having in setting up and using the Onyx 2, and she didn’t want to add to my frustration.) And, of course, I had no sleeve.
Here are my final thoughts. I think the Onyx 2, is a brilliant concept. It’s relatively quiet and rather lightweight for the great sensations it can deliver. The SuperSkin insert was a disaster.
I spoke with widows, newlyweds, monogamists, secret liaison seekers, submissives and polyamorists and found there was no such thing as desire too high or low
By Katherine Rowland
Male desire is a familiar story. We scarcely bat an eyelash at its power or insistence. But women’s desires – the way they can morph, grow or even disappear – elicit fascination, doubt and panic.
In 2014, as experts weighed the moral and medical implications of the first female libido drug, I found myself unsatisfied with the myths of excess and deficit on offer, and set out to understand how women themselves perceive and experience their passions.
Over the course of five years, I talked with 120 women and dozens of sexual health professionals. My reporting took me from coast to coast, and spanned conversations from a 22-year-old convinced she was sexually damaged to a 72-year-old learning how to orgasm. I spoke with widows, newlyweds, committed monogamists, secret liaison seekers, submissives and proud polyamorists.
I also dropped in on psychotherapy sessions, consulted sexologists, went inside the battle to get “female Viagra” FDA approved and profiled practitioners blurring the lines between sex work and physical therapy. In Los Angeles, I sat with a group of determinedly nonplussed sex coaches as they took in a live flogging demonstration, while in New York I stood among a thousand women whipped into a fist-pumping frenzy by a guru who declared the time had come for them to reconnect to their sensuality.
Against the background claims that women are disordered patients who require a pharmaceutical fix, or that they are empowered consumers who should scour the market for their personal brand of bliss, I found that there was no such thing as desire too high or low. Rather, desire contains as many tones as there are people to express it.
Low desire isn’t a symptom
In five years of conversations, I heard frequent variations on a common story. Somewhere in the mix of parenting, partnering and navigating the demands of professional life, women’s desire had dimmed to the barest flicker. In place of lust, they acted out of obligation, generosity or simply to keep the peace.
“What’s wrong with me?” many asked of their medical providers, only to come away with confounding answers. “Your flatlined libido is perfectly normal,” they were told. “But it’s also a medical concern.”
Just what constitutes normal stirs intense debate, in part because female sexuality shoulders an immense weight. It’s where observers have long looked for clues about human nature and for proof of immutable differences between men and women. The chief distinction, we’re told, is that women are less desirous than men.
And yet, low desire is often cast as an affliction that women are encouraged to work at and overcome. Accordingly, some women I talked to consulted therapists to understand why intimacy was tinged with dread. Others tried all manner of chemical interventions, from antidepressants and testosterone supplements to supposedly libido-rousing pills. A number of women accumulated veritable libraries of spice-it-up manuals. No matter the path, I heard time and again how women compelled themselves to just do it, committed to reaching a not necessarily satisfying but quantifiable end.
Low desire is a healthy response to lackluster sex
However, as women further described their malaise, their dwindling desire seemed less the result of faulty biology than evidence of sound judgment. It was a consequence of clumsy partners, perfunctory routines, incomplete education, boredom and the chafe of overfamiliarity.
In short, it was the quality of the sex they were having that left them underwhelmed. As one woman put it: “If it’s not about your pleasure, it makes sense you wouldn’t want it.”
Straight women are struggling the most in their erotic lives
While all women, regardless of sexual orientation, experience dips in drive, the utter depletion of sexual interest might be more common to heterosexual women, because their desires are less clearly defined to begin with.
“I spent most of my life with no sense of what I want,” one straight woman in her late 40s told me. Another, also in her 40s, reflected that she and her husband “did sex the way [she] thought it was supposed to look”. However, she said: “I don’t know how much I was really able to understand and articulate what I wanted.”
For both women, along with dozens of others that I spoke to, dwindling desire was an affront to identity. It exposed the limits of what they had expected of themselves, namely that they should settle down with one man and be emotionally and physically content from there on out. Their experiences mirror what researchers have uncovered about the so-called orgasm gap, which holds that men are disproportionately gratified by sex.
The picture subtly shifts when you look at which women are enjoying themselves. A 2017 survey of more than 50,000 Americans found that lesbians orgasmed 86% of the time during sex, as opposed to 65% of straight women (and 95% of straight men). Investigators speculate that lesbians and queer women enjoy greater satisfaction because of anatomical familiarity, longer sexual duration and not revering penetration as the apex of erotic mingling.
I would further surmise that queer women are often more satisfied because, unlike a lot of straight women, they have fundamentally considered the nature and object of their desires.
There’s nothing funny about faking it
The subject of faking it tends to seed jokey reactions, which frame the issue of female pretending as a slight to the man’s self-esteem. When she fakes it, he is the wounded party: her absent climax becomes his loss.
According to one well-trafficked 2010 report, 80% of heterosexual women fake orgasm during vaginal intercourse about half of the time, and another 25% fake orgasm almost all of the time. (When CBS News reported on this study, the headline opened with “Ouch”; there was no editorializing on shabby male technique – all the focus was on the bruising consequences of women’s inauthentic “moaning and groaning”.)
Faking it was ubiquitous among the women I spoke with. Most viewed it as fairly benign, and I largely did too. That is, until the subject cropped up again and again, and I found myself preoccupied with an odd contradiction: as women act out ecstasy, they devalue their actual sensations.
On the one hand, this performance is an ode to the importance of female pleasure, the expectation held by men and women alike that it should be present. But on the other, it strips women of the physical and psychological experience of pleasure. Spectacle bullies sensation aside.
Women aren’t looking for a magic pill
One might think from the headlines that equal access to pharmacopeia ranks high among women’s sexual health concerns. After all, men have a stocked cabinet of virility-boosting compounds, while women have paltry options. But this was not my takeaway.
While some women opined that it would be nice to ignite desire with a pill, few saw the benefit of boosting appetite if the circumstances surrounding sex remained unchanged. While desire was frequently tinted by a sense of mystery, its retreat was rarely presented in a black box. Almost across the board, women spoke of their sexuality in contextual terms: it changed with time, with different partners and different states of self-knowledge.
In 2018 an article in the Archives of Sexual Behavior surmised “Research has not conclusively demonstrated that biology is among the primary mechanisms involved in inhibiting sexual desire in women.” Rather, the authors said, body image, relationship satisfaction and learned values intervene to shape women’s experiences of lust. Even though FDA-approved drugs like Addyi and Vyleesi are marketed to suggest that desire dips independently of life circumstances, those involved in drug development are certainly aware of these other influences. The strength of their impact on women’s minds and bodies may even be contributing to the challenge of developing effective pharmaceuticals.
In the case of Viagra and its competitors, it’s assumed men want to have sex, but physically cannot, and so a feat of hydraulics allows them to consummate the act. But for women, the problem is more, well, problematic: they might be physically capable, but emotionally disinclined. Insofar as that is the case, we need to attend the reasons behind their reluctance.
Desire comes from liberating the erotic imagination
In the course of my reporting I attended a training session known as SAR, for Sexual Attitude Reassessment. The two-day workshops designed for sexual health professionals are intended to inundate participants with sexual material in order to highlight where they hold biases or discomfort, and they showcase a lot of explicit content.
The session I attended featured media depicting a gay head-shaving fetish, a medical-latex threesome and a wincing scene involving male genitalia, a typewriter and a miniature cactus. It also included frank confessionals from people whose bodies and lifestyles don’t necessarily accord with the culture’s rigidly gendered and ableist stereotypes – such as what it’s like for a trans woman to experience pleasure, or how a little person (the preferred term for adults with dwarfism) self-stimulates when his or her fingers cannot reach the genitals.
The idea, beyond highlighting all the “inscrutable, mystical loveliness” of sex, in the words of one facilitator, is to get participants to seek out what turns them on or disgusts them, or both.
In my recollection, the word “dysfunction” never surfaced in the programming. Rather, sexuality was framed in terms of accessing delight and accepting nonconformity. The subject of low desire was not viewed as a matter of sexual disinterest, but rather a result of how, owing to the greater culture, women hold themselves back, condemn their fantasies, foreclose on what they really want and sell themselves short on the idea that sex and love must look a certain way.
Women push themselves toward physical encounters that they either do not want, or for which they have not allowed desire to adequately develop. I came away with the impression that sexual healing had little to do with tricks or techniques, and almost everything to do with the mind, with sensing an internal flicker of I want that – and feeling empowered to act accordingly.
After a marijuana experience, lighting an old-fashioned cigarette after sex seems slightly outdated. As a matter of fact, when discussing cannabis, you’ll probably want to light it before you engage in sexual activity.
Excited yet? Despite some of us seeming pretty calm, we can still feel a nerve twitch when we hear promises of sexual exhilaration. Well, the tale about marijuana and sex that you’ve just stumbled upon will undoubtedly touch that nerve!
The relationship between pot and sexuality goes a long way and is not as charming as you might think. While some stories portray sensual symbiosis, others may argue that weed can crush your libido like a sledgehammer.
The truth is that marijuana can heat and cool both women and men. So then, is it an aphrodisiac, or a mood breaker?
Keep on reading and you’ll find out the pros and cons of marijuana use in the sweet game of sexuality.
A Short History of Cannabis and Sex
The Ancients Knew About Its Effects
According to research, the positive effects of marijuana on the sexual behavior of women was well known in ancient Mesopotamia; it was used during childbirth and for treating menstrual problems as well. Also, the first records of rectal cannabis preparations can be found in ancient Assyrian manuscripts.
Later, in ancient Egypt, cannabis was mixed with honey and introduced vaginally to relieve cramps. This is also where we find the first written records of the relationship between marijuana and sex drive. In addition, hemp seeds were originally used to influence fertility in men.
Throughout history, cannabis has been used both in gynecology and obstetrics, where the first sexological practices come from.
Both Ayurvedic and Arabian medicines recorded the use of marijuana as an aphrodisiac and for pain relief. It was applied vaginally, rectally, orally, and through fumigation. In China, cannabis was used for menstrual difficulties and postpartum problems. African men used it for erectile dysfunction (ED).
Western medicine also used marijuana for sex-related problems. In the 17th and 18th centuries, physicians mixed pulverized cannabis with other herbs to produce combined drugs. Furthermore, with the medical use of marijuana, sex-related issues were clarified and studied.
In Central Europe, in the 19th century, tinctures with cannabis were widely used for breast swelling, menstrual problems, and childbirth difficulties. Court physicians prepared concoctions for wealthy women which were used as a form of sexual relief during first-night intercourse.
Modern Times Try To Reveal the Mystery
The popularization of marijuana in the 20th century has given birth to its massive, worldwide use. Both medical and recreational testimonials state the potential health benefits and pleasures of having sex while high.
The physiological potency of the plant was scientifically documented and explained. Today, we know that certain chemicals in marijuana plants affect the whole organism in a profound way.
According to Psychology Today, the first modern medical evidence of the sexual impact of marijuana dates from the 1970s. Since then, numerous studies have tried to answer the question: is marijuana a stimulant or not?
However, most of the research coming from the previous century is inconclusive. The majority of studies that process the topic are self-reported observational studies and are limited due to the subjectiveness of the questioned participants.
In order to asses the topic of marijuana and sex, we have to consider both medical and experiential aspects of the herb.
Marijuana Effects on the Body
It is a well-known fact that the chemicals in marijuana plants have significant physiological actions. Cannabinoids bind to endocannabinoid receptors and interfere with their main function — homeostasis maintenance.
Both THC and CBD affect our whole organism, thus regulating numerous biochemical reactions. Sometimes it results in the pleasure of being “high,” or it can just have a therapeutic purpose. Overuse, on the other hand, is more likely to induce the negative effects of weed.
The connection between weed and sex can be explained by its pharmacological traits.
Blood Flow
By acting on cannabinoid receptors in blood vessels, cannabinoids induce peripheral vasodilatation. This means that more blood flows into different organs, such as the lungs, the glands, or the brain. The mucous membranes on sexual organs get more blood, which stimulates their metabolism and boosts their function.
The drop in blood pressure is followed by an increased heart rate. Meanwhile, your heart is pumping all the oxygen your lungs can get into your body. This stimulates the senses as well as tactile perception.
Basically, while having sex on weed, your body is more attuned to external influences than in regular cases.
The Brain
Cannabinoids act on various brain structures and interfere with hormones and neurotransmitters. Marijuana effects on the brain can both aid sexuality or destimulate it.
Weed increases dopamine and serotonin levels, which introduce the sense of pleasure, or even happiness. Additionally, this causes altered sensory perception, such as touch, smell, and taste.
Marijuana acts on inhibition functions, therefore relieving stress and anxiety. This also causes peripheral muscles to relax, while the dilated blood vessels pump oxygen into them.
Physiologically, indulging in sex while high can be quite relaxing and enjoyable, with lower inhibitions and attuned senses.
Cannabinoids also have anti-inflammatory properties, which are experienced as pain-relief. This is the reason why in some countries in Eastern Europe, people used to take marijuana to facilitate the first-night sexual experience of women.
Hormones
THC affects the brain and glands, which regulate certain functionalities, and significantly influence sexuality.
It has been reported that, in regular users, THC decreases total cortisol levels. This stress hormone is associated with a higher state of alertness and agility. In other words, with the use of cannabis, the sex drive can be inhibited too! Additionally, THC can sometimes elevate cortisol levels in infrequent users, hence inducing a state of anxiety.
THC briefly inhibits the thyroid hormone secretion. In heavy users, this reveals a dose-dependent mechanism. Meaning, the more you smoke weed, the more you are likely to gain weight, experience fatigue, or libido decrease.
Chemicals in marijuana act on sexual hormones differently. Light marijuana use (once a week) is not associated with any consequences. However, as reports state, smoking pot heavily (six times a week) can lower testosterone levels and sperm count in men. In women, it causes vaginal dryness and irregularity in menstrual cycles.
The hormonal connection between marijuana and sex is still not crystal clear. Overall, the available data states that cannabinoids cause hormone levels to fluctuate, which can affect reproduction and sexuality in different ways.
The Effects of Marijuana on Sexuality
In contrast to physiology, sexuality is a more complex part of an individual. It fuses both biological and psychological factors and is expressed through emotions, thoughts, and behaviors towards others. One can be sexually attracted to a person’s looks, emotions, attitudes, or actions.
Although a subjective category, there is data that shows that having sex while high on weed can be an entrancing experience.
Desire
People used to “spice things up” with clothing, alcohol, and adventures. However, with the growing marijuana market, there is a high chance that this “spice” might, in fact, be cannabis.
Sexual appetite, or libido, is both a hormonal and a psychological issue. It is determined by our sexual urge for another person.
According to a 2017 population-based study, public marijuana use is associated with increased sexual frequency in both men and women. After the assessment of more than 50,000 people, the authors concluded that among the consumers of marijuana, sex drive increased significantly.
Another study confirms that marijuana can increase libido. Researchers state that compared to non-users, weed consumers are twice as likely to have more than two sexual partners a year. Nevertheless, men were also more likely to have difficulties in reaching an orgasm.
Arousal
Sexual excitement is primarily a hormonal factor but can be influenced by psychoneural activity. There is evidence that cannabis can both induce and decrease sexual potency. Additionally, the two sexes express precisely the opposite arousal effects on weed.
Women
As said, marijuana use can increase female libido. When turned on while high, women tend to experience common vaginal dryness. This unfortunate event can present a problem in the initial contact but can be overcome with the right amount of tender foreplay. With the right amount of lubrication, this intense arousal can endure during the entire intercourse.
Men
In men, weed can increase the sex drive. On the other hand, studies show that a significant number of them have trouble maintaining arousal during sex.
In contrast to women, arousal in men is enhanced by the above-mentioned effects of marijuana. In most cases, during intercourse, the overall penile blood flow decreases. These effects remain until the high wears off.
The connection between marijuana and ED has long been an issue. However, the exact mechanism for this is unknown. It is usually associated with declining testosterone levels. Some authors conclude that this is a dose-dependent effect.
The bottom line is that, while stoned, sex can present a challenge for men.
Sensuality
The mystical traits of weed are considered to be the most valuable by most people. This is an effect primarily achieved by the ability of THC to alter the senses.
Studies show that enhanced visual, auditory, and tactile experiences enhance the ongoing sexual act, i.e., orgasm, masturbation, or desire. In surveys, people who enjoy pot and sex describe the high as “transcendent” or “spiritual.”
Intimacy
Although an aphrodisiac for women and a sexual appetite booster for men, marijuana can adversely affect the intimacy in couples.
Intimacy is a deep sense of connection with somebody both on an intellectual and physical level. According to research, the increase of libido and sensuality is associated with the focus on the more hedonistic effects of sexual contact, neglecting the aspects of personal attachment in the process.
Additionally, some cases reported increased intimacy levels in mature couples, which is associated with a sense of relaxation.
Highgasm
Women
A study from 2019, which followed 373 female participants, revealed that those who smoked marijuana prior to intercourse were two times more likely to achieve an orgasm than in a non-consuming group.
This evidence validly shows that among the participating women, 68.5% had more pleasurable sex while marijuana-high. Among them, 60.6% noticed an increase in sexual desire, and 52.8% reported an increase in satisfying orgasms.
Men
Evidence reports that orgasm in men, though, is experienced quite differently.
Men, who practiced sex and marijuana smoking were four times less likely to achieve a climax than the non-smoking group. Furthermore, pot-smokers were three times more likely to orgasm too quickly, and two times more likely to finish too slowly than the abstinents.
In general, both men and women are more sexually inhibited by marijuana in the long run. Chronic use potentiates the adverse hormonal effects and impacts physiology. But occasionally treating yourself with the sweet cannabis-infused sexual stimuli can rarely go wrong.
How to Dose the Best Pot for Sex
Choosing the best pot out there is certainly important. However, there are side effects of weed that need to be considered.
Both the positive and negative effects of weed are dose-dependant. Sometimes, one puff makes the difference between being stoned and being sexually blissed.
High doses of THC can cause a series of sexually-unwanted events, such as nausea, headache, anxiety, paranoia, or sexual depersonalization.
Some sources advocating the pros of marijuana use and sex advise us to keep lower doses in mind. In order to sexually transcend with pot, we need just the amount that can get our blood, brain, and senses going.
Marijuana and Sex Frequency
The relationship between these two changes with time; you might say that they mature together.
In light users, the achieved effect is mainly an occasional increase in sensuality. However, in heavy users, the long-term effects of weed are more likely to be displayed.
According to a few sources, chronic marijuana use is consistent with behavioral problems in relationships, which include aggressive behavior and mood changes. This leads to sexual and emotional detachment and creates the need for high marijuana doses.
In frequent users, the sexual side effects of weed include low energy and libido. This is associated with the pot’s effect on testosterone and pituitary hormones.
Other adverse effects include low desire, erectile dysfunction, and orgasm irregularities in men. Women tend to have progesterone variations, which is expressed as menstrual problems and could lead to depression.
In predisposed people, heavy marijuana use can onset panic, fears, memory decline, and even psychotic episodes.
Choosing the Right Strain for Sex
Everybody reacts to cannabinoids differently. Nevertheless, there are certain aspects of physiological actions that can be attributed to the potency of the marijuana strain.
When choosing the best marijuana for sex, some basic facts need consideration.
Three distinctive variations of cannabis plants used — Cannabis Sativa, Cannabis Indica, and Cannabis Ruderalis. The first two are more common and more popular.
Sativa produces a “head high,” making you more alert, inspired, and cerebrally driven. Indica has more body-relaxation effects and is used more to soothe pain and ease stress. Nevertheless, hybrids can display more potent, combined effects.
Some strains cater to sex more than others. In general, Sativa-derived ones could be considered as the best strains for male arousal, while women react better to Indica. Still, as sources claim, the reactions are mostly individual.
The perfect combination for sex would imply infrequent use to avoid the chronic impact on testosterone for men, and less estrogen-inhibiting THC products for women.
Sativa Strains for Sex
Asian Fantasy — Famous for its fruity flavor, this strain has energetic, and relaxin properties. Asian Fantasy is considered an arousing weed.
Ultimate Trainwreck — With its cerebral action, it enhances focus, energy, and a sense of happiness. Ultimate Trainwreck has a mild citrusy flavor, and i is one of the best marijuana strains for sex, as it increases arousal in men.
Green Crack — This Sativa strain can unleash your basic instinct. Green Crack is great for libido, potency, and could intensify an orgasm; the best part: you can repeat it again and again.
Potent Hybrids
Sour Dream — Although somewhat hard to find, this hybrid first calms and then arouses. Sour Dream can also potentiate euphoria, and even laughter, so it is the right choice for spicing-up the intimacy.
Purple Princess — It enhances creativity, energy, and euphoria. This strain can give you an exhilarating night in the sack and is considered as one of the best strains for female arousal and orgasm.
Indica Strains for Sex
Hindu Skunk — It relaxes slowly, and prolongs the intercourse, keeping your undivided attention on the partner. Hindu Skunk is a great choice for lazy-day intimacy.
Yumbolt — Mainly preferred by women, it is a calming and easing strain, that can help you orgasm, and sleep afterward.
Chocolate Chunk — It is an easing, soft acting strain, with a sweet and nutty flavor.
Grandaddy Purple — It is a strong Indica strain. It alleviates pain, eases stress, relieves anxiety, and energizes. Grandaddy Purple can be great for sexual desire but without the unnecessary euphoria.
Best Weed Strain for Sex: Sexxpot
According to yours truly, the best of the best would be Sexxpot. This hybrid came to light after years of practice and cultivation. It is a low-THC, high-CBD strain that relaxes the body while introducing desire and sensuality.
It takes the edge off and introduces you to the state of sweet delight. Sexxpot promises full relaxation, long sex-duration, and smooth sleep.
Selecting the Right Product
Deciding on the best weed for sex is essential. However, not all lovers out there enjoy smoking weed. Fortunately, today’s market has a variety of accessories and products for various user needs.
In a weed dispensary, you can find a spread of:
vapes and inhalants that contain cannabis-derived active principles;
oils and tinctures, which contain a concentrated amount of THC, and should be dosed lightly;
edibles that are becoming more popular by the minute — mints, brownies, chocolates, cakes, and other culinary delicacies.
Come Valentine’s, a THC-based sugary dish, or a wrapped-up stoner gift could turn the odds in your favor. While at that, it’s rumored that men prefer chocolate, while blueberry cakes could be considered the best edibles for female arousal.
Other Cannabis-Infused Sex Aids
Marijuana can be sexually helpful in more than one way. In other words, you don’t have to smoke it or eat it. The market is abundant with:
topical use products, which intensify the scenes peripherally;
marijuana suppositories, which have been out there for years now, and are used primarily for pain relief;
weed lube, which is cannabis-based and is used to treat vaginal dryness;
marijuana tampons with relaxing and protective properties.
The combination of sex products and cannabis shows promises of desire, arousal, sensuality, intimacy, and potential orgasms.
FAQs
Do you last longer when high?
While it can change the perception of time, marijuana does extend sexual intercourse in both women and men. There is evidence that supports its effects on libido, sensuality, and orgasm.
Cannabis has been scientifically proven to increase female sexual experience. On the other hand, there is evidence that smoking weed could result in erectile dysfunction in men.
Can being high make you not get hard?
Men who often smoke marijuana can sometimes experience erectile dysfunction. In chronic users, marijuana can decrease testosterone levels and affect arousal.
Hence, smoking weed in moderation is highly advised for men (so as to achieve the most optimal performance).
What’s more, some sources even claim that choosing the right strain could help overpass these issues entirely.
What are the best weed strains for sex?
Various marijuana strains have been praised as powerful sexual aids. The science states that Sativa strains work better in men. Indica strains have less THC and are better suited for women.
Some of the more popular sexual weeds are Sexxpot, Asian Fantasy, Sour Dream, Granddaddy Purple, Hindu Skunk, Green Crack, and more.
Can using cannabis for sex cause infertility?
There is no conclusive evidence that confirms that smoking marijuana can leave you infertile.
However, compulsive pot smoking is associated with low sperm count in men and menstrual irregularities in women.
Conclusion
It is true — marijuana enhances sexuality. However, frequent use can lead to unwanted side effects and can even cause sexual dysfunction.
Anyone can smoke and strip. Nevertheless, if you are about to indulge in a unique sexual adventure, do so wisely. With the proper strain pick and an adequate product selection, you can find yourself in a highly tantric experience.
Weed can be used as an aphrodisiac, arouser, intimacy enhancer, or as an orgasm intensifier. The intriguing connection between marijuana and sex has long been out there, and for good reason — it works.
Fetishes come in a lot of different shapes and sizes. (I mean, not literally shapes and sizes, but you know, they range from person to person). Some super common fetishes you’ve definitely already heard of (or maybe even tried out) include bondage, role-playing, impact play, and anal sex, but QQ: Ever heard of voyeurism?
“Voyeurism is getting sexual excitement from watching others when they are naked or engaging in sex acts,” says Jill McDevitt, PhD, CalExotics sexologist. And while the pleasure is most commonly derived from watching others, the fetish could also include hearing others engage in sexual acts, or even being told about other people’s sexual experiences.
So, no, it’s not the creepy, nonconsensual “Peeping Tom” that might come to mind. Voyeurism is a fetish, and actually one of the most common ones, according to the Journal of Sex and Research.
So if you’re curious in the slightest about what voyeurism is, how to do it, why it turns people on, don’t worry: We broke down literally everything you need to know.
What is a voyeur?
A voyeur is someone who experiences pleasure from watching other people partake in sexual acts. Maybe you’ve already decided this is absolutely not your thing, but “one could argue the enjoyment of watching porn is, in part, voyeuristic,” says McDevitt.
After all, most people masturbate when they watch other people have sex on their screen, no? So yeah, it’s fairly common to be, at the least, slightly interested in this sexual fetish.
Why is voyeurism a fetish?
Ask yourself: Why is anything a pleasure? We all experience different turn-ons and turn-offs in the bedroom, so it really depends on what someone likes and engages with. Here are two people, who would consider voyeurism a fetish for them, explaining why they get turned on by watching others engage in sexual acts together or masturbate:
“Personally, I am really into voyeurism because it’s a different way to experience sex. You’re not in the sex, but you’re seeing it, noticing what gives someone pleasure, seeing when someone moans the loudest in what position. It’s exhilarating,” says Michelle*, 25.
“My girlfriend knows I’m watching her which makes it super hot. It’s like her way to show off,” says Michael, 34.
What’s the difference between the good kind of voyeurism and the bad kind of voyeurism?
Put simply, consent. “I use voyeurism as an example of a fetish that can be done in a fun and consensual way, or in a non-consenting and harmful way,” says McDevitt. “‘Voyeuristic disorder’ is actually in the diagnostic manual for psychiatric disorders, in which it is described as a persistent and intense sexual interest in spying on unsuspecting people nude or having sex.”
So in other words, make sure every sexual act you engage in with your partner has been consensually agreed upon and communicated beforehand (this goes for anything in the bedroom, btw). Good voyeurism = consent and communication about what you will be doing with every sexual partner. Bad voyeurism = doing something behind your sexual partner(s)’s back.
How can you incorporate voyeurism into the bedroom in a healthy, consensual way?
Okay, now the fun part: There are so many different ways to spice up your sex life—especially with voyeurism. Here’s what McDevitt recommends:
Watch your partner masturbate. This could look like encouraging your partner to lay on the bed and do their thing while you watch from the crack of the door.
Watch your partner shower or bathe.
Bring in another person to watch your partner have sex with.
So if you’re intrigued, maybe give it a try. But, again, for all the people in the back: Consent is the key, key, key factor here.
As two prosecutors with decades of experience helping survivors of domestic and sexual violence in King County, we spend all day, every day responding to cases involving abuse. Over the last year, almost 5,000 survivors of sexual violence and their families sought help from the King County Sexual Assault Resource Center. In 2019, the King County Prosecutor filed more than 2,000 sexual and domestic violence cases, from homicides to rapes to aggravated assaults. We assisted on thousands more protection orders, worked to reduce firearm violence and helped children who were often the targets of abuse.
We want fewer victims to experience violence. This is why we support Senate Bill 5395 and its companion, House Bill 2184, which will provide comprehensive sexual health education for all Washington students. This proposal would help stop sexual and domestic violence by requiring public schools to include age-appropriate curriculum that develops healthy relationship behavior in students.
Legislation can be a powerful tool to reduce violence. Last year, laws redefined rape and removed the statute of limitations on many sex crimes, reducing the burden on victims and giving many of them the time needed to come forward and report crimes. Our community also passed domestic violence laws to keep victims safe and reduce firearm violence.
These are steps in the right direction. For true culture change to happen around sexual and domestic violence, proactive education and prevention also is needed. Too often, young people don’t know how to ask for and receive consent, or how to engage in healthy relationships. Access to this information is a critical part of the solution to end cycles of abuse, especially when the cycles are generational. It is particularly critical that young people receive reliable, accurate information in a digital age where harmful explicit materials are one click away.
Government already makes choices about what schools teach. Washington requires financial literacy because learning about “spending and saving” are important life skills. We agree: Students should know how to balance their checkbooks. Students should also know how to treat their partner with dignity and respect.
Any conversation about sex and relationships must begin with the basic concept of respect. This is the modern, evidence-based approach to sex education. Washington should follow the lead of dozens of other states including Missouri, Oklahoma, New Jersey, Oregon and California and promote education on healthy relationships, dating violence, consent and sexual assault.
For too long, Washington has had no law and no plan to support prevention. We are at an important moment: #MeToo; mass shootings by domestic batterers; sexual assault on college campuses; and domestic violence as the leading cause of violent crime. We cannot prosecute, shelter, or rehabilitate our way out of sexual and domestic violence. The classroom is a far better option for lasting, positive impact.
Positive change is already happening and needs more support. Coaches at schools deliver lessons on prevention through Team Up Washington. King County Sexual Assault Resource Center (KCSARC) prevention specialists now teach middle and high school students as part of health educator teams in Renton schools. Many school districts in King County rely on the evidence-based FLASH curriculum to impart these life skills. We see the positive impact these programs have on young people and on school culture. Toxic environments fade when replaced with more care, less violence and hope for the future. There is no shortage of proven, evidence-based programs to help prevent abuse in schools, on teams and in student relationships.
Let’s grow beyond a reactive strategy to stop sexual and domestic violence. It is time we confront, head on, the culture in our community that leads to violence. We stand with all of our community partners, including Harborview Abuse and Trauma Center, KCSARC and many domestic-violence agencies when we say we can and must do better for our children and reduce the number of future victims by making comprehensive sexual health education a priority for our schools.
The argument is this: gay sex alone can’t produce children, and for traits to evolve, they have to be passed onto children, who get some form of competitive advantage from them.
From this perspective, some argue homosexuality should not have evolved.
In a paper published yesterday by myself and Duke University professor Brian Hare, we propose human sexuality (including homosexuality) evolved as an outcome of the evolution of increased sociability in humans.
We argue many of the evolutionary forces that shaped human sexuality were social, rather than based on reproductive ability.
This is our “sociosexual hypothesis” for the evolution of gay sex and attraction.
Sex for bonding
For humans, and many other animals, sex is not just about reproduction.
We shouldn’t limit our thinking about the evolution of sex to its reproductive functions. We must also consider its social functions.
Based on the social behaviour of primates (and other social mammals), we argue our species’ recent cognitive and behavioural evolution was driven by natural selection favouring traits that allowed better social integration. This is called prosociality.
Early humans that could quickly and easily access the benefits of group living had a strong selective advantage. We believe this led to the evolution of a whole range of traits including reduced aggression, increased communication, understanding, social play and affiliation.
Species such as the bonobo, that evolved for high prosociality, evolved to use sexual behaviour in many social contexts. This results in an increase of sex in general, greater diversity in the contexts of sex, and an increase in gay sex.
We believe something similar happened in recent human evolution. Gay sex and attraction may have evolved because individuals with a degree of same-sex attraction benefited from greater social mobility, integration and stronger same-sex social bonds.
However, our argument addresses the early evolution of human sexuality, not how relatively recent phenomena like religion and religion-based legal structures have responded to sexual minorities.
Our hypothesis predicts that bisexuality and people who identify as “mostly straight” should be more common than people who identify as exclusively gay, and this is the case.
We quite randomly inherit half our genes from each parent. Each person’s genetic makeup is unique, so it would be highly unlikely to find two people with exactly the same set of genes influencing their sexuality.
Thus, variation is expected, and individuals fall along a spectrum ranging from a majority who are straight, to a minority who identify as gay.
Our hypothesis for the evolution of homosexuality would predict this kind of variation in human sexuality, and can help explain why it is generally stable across cultures.
We believe sexuality is a highly complex trait, interwoven with sociality. Attraction, sexual behaviour, social bonds and desire all contribute to its complexity.
Asking the right questions
Height is another feature influenced by hundreds of genes, many of which interact with our external environments in complex ways.
We see a continuous variation in human height – some very tall and very short people exist.
We might draw on nutritional ecology to explore the evolution of human height, but would not feel the need to introduce special evolutionary arguments to explain the existence of tall or short people.
No special explanation is necessary. They are simply exhibiting natural, genetically influenced variations in height.
Similarly, we think asking how gay sex and attraction evolved is the wrong question.
A more useful question to ask is: how did human sexuality evolve in all its forms?
In doing do, we acknowledge homosexuality does not present a paradox needing a special explanation. It is simply a result of our species’ recent sociosexual evolution.
Labels, categorization, boxes. There are some, if not many, who don’t want any part of identifying themselves by others’ characterizations.
But, according to Nicole Legate, an assistant professor of psychology at the Illinois Institute of Technology, some categorization is vital when it comes to addressing health disparities in sexual minority groups (groups other than heterosexuals), including higher levels of distress, lower levels of self-esteem, and unprotected sex.
It was while looking for those health disparities between heterosexuals and sexual minorities that Legate, with co-author Ronald Rogge of the University of Rochester, found a new sexual orientation category that they believe should be considered alongside heterosexuals, bisexuals and homosexuals. That category is heteroflexibles — men and women who identify as heterosexual but who are strongly attracted to or engage in sex with people of the same sex. Legate said this group does not identify as bisexual, which is why these individuals should be in their own unique category.
Heteroflexibles are much less out about their orientation, according to Legate, so they don’t talk about it to other people nearly as much as bisexuals or gay and lesbian individuals. And not offering that bit of information to a health provider could prevent a physician, for instance, from recommending getting tested or talking about PrEP, pre-exposure prophylaxis, to prevent against HIV since same-sex partners (regardless of how one identifies) tend to have greater risk for sexually transmitted infections.
Legate and Rogge discussed heteroflexibles in a 2016 study where they created an algorithm that looks at survey participants’ identity, behavior and attraction to produce a more data-driven look at sexual orientation. The study included over 3,000 people in the U.S. and took about two years to complete. In the study, 56% of bisexuals said they had had a same sex partner in the previous year, and for heteroflexibles, it was 42%, Legate said. She estimates that up to 15% of the general population may identify as heteroflexible but that a larger representative sample is needed for more research.
“Against heterosexuals, they (heteroflexibles) showed higher rates of different kinds of risks and worse psychological functioning,” Legate said. “The risk behaviors they showed in our study were things like problematic drinking, condom-less sex — so greater levels of sexually transmitted infections. There are so few studies out there about this group, and we have not yet uncovered the reasons why they might show this higher level of risk.”
Next steps, Legate said, include nailing down why heteroflexibles might engage in same-sex activity versus opposite sex activity, how many heteroflexibles there are and why this group shows certain health disparities.
The more accurate estimates are of sexual minorities in the population, the better prepared researchers and health care providers interested in studying health, epidemiological and psychology issues related to sexual orientation can be when addressing their needs.
“When you go to the doctor’s office, they don’t ask you for your sexual orientation,” Legate said. “I think educating providers about the fact that it’s OK to ask and that it is relevant in many cases just like knowing race and age — these are standard demographic questions that can give us a little extra health information or help us understand what groups may be at elevated risks for different things.”
In our closest primate relative
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