Month: July 2019

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5 Questions Adults Still Ask About Sex

By Gigi Engle

As an educator who writes and teaches about sexuality, sometimes I still get questions from readers and clients that surprise me.

The most shocking thing isn’t the slew of downright strange questions (of which there are many) but the fact that most of the questions that find their way into my inbox and practice are very common sex questions that I assume most adults know by now. Will a vibrator damage my clitoris? How do I make my partner stop watching porn? Does penis size matter? Is an uncircumcised penis normal? There is no end.

For an educator, it can be frustrating. I put so much information out there only to have the same questions asked again and again.

While it can be maddening, it highlights how deeply sexual shame is ingrained in our minds and culture. People have the information at their fingertips, right there on the internet, but it still doesn’t land.

The fact that these questions are still being asked isn’t the fault of the people asking them. In fact, I’m sure you’ll read some of the examples below and realize you yourself don’t know the answer to at least one. This lack of knowledge into the most basic of sex questions says much less about the people asking them and much more about the state of sex ed. We’re doing ourselves a great disservice as a country by making comprehensive sex ed impossible to access. It’s not your fault you’re confused; it’s our culture’s fault.

With that being said, here are five of the most surprising questions adults still ask me about sex:

1. How do I know what I like in bed? I don’t think I’ve ever had an orgasm.

The short answer: Masturbate. So many of us have this intense fear of self-pleasure, as if touching ourselves could make us dirty, slutty, or unworthy of love. (Note: There is nothing wrong with being a slut, FYI.)

These deep-seated puritanical views of sexuality are extremely pervasive and among the main reasons people don’t enjoy sex. While it spans across genders, this is true for female-bodied people, especially. The clitoris is so key to experiencing pleasure and orgasm. If you’ve never touched your own body, you’re going to have a lot of problems communicating your desires to a partner.

Explore your body. See what feels good for you. You can do this in bed, in the bathtub with a showerhead, using a hand or a vibrator—whatever works for you. Finding out how to bring yourself pleasure is the key to unlocking your sexuality.

2. Why don’t I get wet enough during sex?

This is a question that I get regularly. In these instances, “sex” refers to intercourse. People with vaginas want to know why they need to use lube (or spit, yikes), why intercourse doesn’t feel good or is painful, and why they aren’t having orgasms during sex.

The answer? Because intercourse just doesn’t produce orgasms for most vulva-owning people.

The vaginal canal has very few touch-sensitive nerve endings. The key to female orgasm is the clitoris. While the internal clitoris expands deep into the body, the clitoral glans (the bud at the top of the vulva) is where most of the nerve endings are clustered.

Most of us require clitoral stimulation with adequate foreplay in order to become aroused enough to have intercourse. When the clitoral network is engaged, the clitoris and vulva swell while the vagina lubricates itself. Without this foreplay, sexual intercourse can be uncomfortable or even painful.

“Foreplay” itself is a misnomer, as it places all of the importance on intercourse, when intercourse isn’t even a prerequisite for sexual satisfaction.

Additionally, it doesn’t matter how wet you get. You should really always be using lube. Lube helps with friction, comfort, and even aids you to have more orgasms. (Here’s mbg’s guide to picking the right lube.)

3. Why can I orgasm with my vibrator but not during sex?

This question often goes hand-in-hand with queries such as: Is it normal to prefer masturbation to intercourse? And: Can I get addicted to my vibrator?

Vibrators were designed to bring clit-owning people to orgasm. They offer intense sensation that can give you pleasure like nothing you may have experienced before. With that being said, there is absolutely no scientific evidence that you can become addicted to vibration. 

We have to stop thinking of orgasms as a finite resource. We need to open ourselves to experiencing and embracing our full potential for pleasure. You may “need” a vibrator to experience an orgasm, and you know what? That’s totally OK. Some clit-owning people need more intense stimulation to have orgasms.

As I’ve mentioned, intercourse very rarely stimulates the clitoris, the key player in female orgasm. It’s not surprising that you’d prefer a vibrator or oral sex. You’re not weird or broken. You’re a normal sexual being. I promise.

4. If I want to try butt play; will it make me gay?

The “will putting something up my butt make me gay” question is extremely popular among cis men. It seems like no matter how many times I write about the joys of prostate play, this question appears in my email a few times a year.

Here is the truth: No, putting something in your butt will not make you gay. If you put something in your butt and then decide that you are into men now, well, it wasn’t because you put anything in your butt.

If you’re gay, you’re born gay. No amount of butt play is going to “make you” anything.

That being said, butt play is accessible for any and all people, regardless of gender. The first few inches of the anus are packed with nerve-rich tissue. Male-bodied people have a prostate, a walnut-size gland located a few inches inside of the butt. When stimulated, it can offer intense and pleasurable sensation.

If you’re interested in butt play, there is no reason you shouldn’t explore it!

5. What do I do about mismatched libidos?

This question, while very common, has no easy answer. The most important thing we can do about mismatched libidos is to communicate with one another. This is a difficult feat for most couples. Talking about sexual issues or concerns is not something we’re taught how to do.

With strict gender roles set in place by society, it is easy for people to become defensive when their partner raises concerns about sex drive. If you’re a man who doesn’t want sex as much as your partner, it’s considered “unmanly.” If you’re a woman who wants more sex than her male partner, you must be some kind of harlot or crazed sex demon.

Yet, these stereotypes are not at all true. Women, men, queer folks, and beyond all have differing libidos that have nothing to do with gender or sex. To get around differences in libido, we need to talk about it with our partners to find workable solutions. The person with the higher libido often caters to the person who has the lower libido, stifling themselves because they’re sick of being “turned down” for sex. This is not good. Both people are responsible for the sex in a partnership. Everyone deserves to feel satisfied and sexually fulfilled.

Sex is part of relationships. You are in a partnership, and both people need to be willing to compromise to keep the relationship healthy. If we knew how to talk about sex, we’d be able to have these conversations much more freely and without fear of judgment.

If you’re dealing with mismatched libidos, working on more effectively communicating about it is step one.

We need to talk more about sex. 

If we want people to stop floundering on the topic of sex, we need to talk about sex. If we had pleasure-based sexual education in schools, young people would go into the world much more equipped to deal with relationships and communication around sex.

If you’re interested in getting more sex ed in your life, check out Planned Parenthood’s website for starters. They have super-informative up-to-date information on sexual health and wellness. They even have super-digestible short sex-ed videos. Inform yourself. We all have to.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Reconnecting With My Sexuality as Someone With Depression

By Alice Laura

One of the things I find when reading about recovering from depression, is that there’s not always much focus on sexuality. There’s a lot about learning to love ourselves, being kind to our body, setting boundaries and how to live day-to-day, but not how to be comfortable in our sexual-self. I can imagine it’s often overlooked because for many, it is not the easiest topic to talk about. Antidepressants frequently lower a person’s libido as a common side effect, which means sex is often the last thing on our mind. For me, however, sexuality is an important part of my identity and something that I want to explore again.

I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression over 15 years ago. During that time, I have had periods of improvement, time with severe physical health issues affecting my mobility and a time within an emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship. I have had times where I have used sex as a coping mechanism, a distraction and a punishment. I am polyamorous; currently living with my partner and his fiancée, bisexual and into BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism and masochism).

Two years ago, I was at my worst ever mentally. A combination of my severe depression and “people pleasing” behavior had led me into an online relationship with an old “friend” that — under the guise of BDSM and my submissive nature — became emotionally abusive. I had pushed my closest friends and family away feeling like I deserved to be treated badly. I convinced myself that the extreme pornography I was looking at was something I was interested in, not because it turned me on but because I thought I was less than human and should be treated that badly myself. I told myself that I didn’t matter, not really. I became suicidal. I did things that I regret and will for the rest of my life, but I am trying to move forward…trying to heal. Part of that is trying to reconnect with my sexuality.

After everything that has happened I’m finding it hard to let myself be sexual. It makes me vulnerable. I am in an incredibly loving and caring relationship with someone who is patient and amazing. He has been there through everything, has forgiven my poor judgement and lying, based on the fact it came from a dark place. We have a brilliant relationship with each other, until it comes to intimacy. I find that I can’t let go of my fear, my memories, my demons. I know that time will help, as it always does, but this goes right into the core of my being. My sexuality is important to me, but I am scared of falling into the same patterns of behavior. I’m scared that I have conditioned myself to be a “people pleaser” so much that I don’t know where my boundaries are anymore. It’s particularly hard when being submissive is part of who I was. Now, I have no idea if that’s really who I am.

I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with my body, frequently having issues with low self-confidence. I was bullied in school for a combination of my weight, my studious nature and how easily I showed my emotions. However, I had a long term boyfriend from the age of 16 and he made me feel good about myself. We explored sex together. Through our open relationship, I explored my sexuality and came out of my shell. I learned to love myself, even with my flaws. I developed as a person and found a new confidence in myself and for awhile, I was happy, more outgoing and wasn’t scared to make the changes I needed to in my life to stay happy. Unfortunately. I went too far. I became addicted to sex and to the attention I could get from putting myself out there. I ran a NSFW (not safe for work) Tumblr that had thousands of followers and I would chat with guys who messaged me. It felt innocent enough, because they were on the other side of the internet. The problem was that I would push myself further and further because it got more likes, more interactions. Around the same time, my physical health failed me and I spiraled into that dark depression. What started as sexual confidence turned into a way to punish myself for being an awful human being. It got too real when I let in that old “friend,” regressing into that naive 18-year-old that he knew before, with added self-deprecation

Now that I have come out of the other side of that relationship, I am desperate to find a happy medium. One where I am comfortable with myself and can let myself go and enjoy sex, but I don’t push it too far into a dependency on the attention I can get from sharing my sexuality with the world. I’ve closed most of my social media accounts and am trying to be careful with what pornography I look at online. My partner is being incredibly patient with me, though it is hard for both of us because we have a history and we are having to start from scratch again. But this time, I lack the confidence and the knowledge of what I want. It’s easy to slip back into old habits for a moment, but then I start to overthink and question my motivations. Either that, or I have flashbacks or dissociations due to the trauma of the emotional abuse.

I’m lucky to have come out of this with the chance to overhaul my life. I’m slowly starting to explore the various incidents that led me to making some really poor life choices. My physical health has greatly improved and my mental health is getting better gradually. I have amazing support and the time to work on myself. Somedays, I think back to how sexually free I used to be and I’m filled with loss, wondering if I can ever get to a place where I am that comfortable with myself again. I want to be sure that I am doing everything for the right reasons, without obsessing about what I am doing. I am balancing analyzing my motives with actually letting myself feel and enjoy sensations. It’s hard work. Sex is meant to be fun, not something that leads to massive anxiety. With a combination of therapy, time and patience, I will get there and form a healthy relationship with myself and my sexuality again.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Hospital’s new online workshop helps parents talk about sexual health with kids with disabilities

By Zosia Bielski

Having “the talk” fills most families with dread. For parents of teens with disabilities, the conversation often takes on an added layer of complexity. Parents want to keep their especially vulnerable children close and safe, while instilling independence and strong self-esteem. They want their kids to assert their own boundaries, even as these children often require assistance with many aspects of their daily lives. Parents want their youth to go out into the world and have healthy relationships, but they worry because disabled people are at increased risk of abuse.

In a bid to help, Toronto’s Holland Bloorview Kids Rehabilitation Hospital launched a new online tool Monday designed for parents looking for insight into how to speak meaningfully with their disabled youth about sex. The new workshop, available free to the public off the hospital’s YouTube channel, covers everything from good relationships and consent to gender identity and social media – this for a cohort often left out of the sex ed discussion, thanks to lingering stigma around disabled people’s sexuality.

“We have needs and desires as well. We need to be educated on how to navigate these situations and have these conversations without it feeling like it’s such a taboo topic,” said Emily Chan, who co-designed the new workshop as chair of the hospital’s youth advisory council.

Chan, 22, has centronuclear myopathy, a rare neuromuscular condition. She said parents of those with disabilities often keep a “tight rein” on their children, but she urged them to speak with their kids about healthy relationships early, “not waiting until we’re heading into adulthood, or already in adulthood.”

The online workshop follows the release last week of new guidelines that recommended sexual health education be made available at short- and long-term care facilities serving youth with disabilities or chronic illnesses, with information geared toward their specific needs. Colleges and universities should offer comprehensive sex ed training to those studying to be caregivers and personal support workers for disabled people, according to The Canadian Guidelines for Sexual Health Education from the Sex Information & Education Council of Canada, a non-profit organization promoting sexual and reproductive health.

Joanne Downing sets the same priorities when she talks to her three children, ages 17 to 21, including her 19-year-old son Matthew, who has quadriplegic cerebral palsy and is non-verbal. Downing wants them all to be safe, respectful and make good choices.

“We talk about ‘my space, your space,’ and ‘good touch, bad touch,’” Downing, 57, said about Matthew. “He can understand whether or not he’s crossed that barrier or if someone’s crossed that barrier on him.”

Downing offered a family perspective for the new webinar and coached parents at two workshops held at the hospital over the winter. Talking to her own son, Downing uses proper terminology for body parts, and explains the difference between private and public space. One thing she recommends parents do with their disabled teens is differentiate between platonic friendships and romantic or sexual relationships.

“[Matthew’s] perception of having a girlfriend is someone of the opposite sex who’s a friend that he can hang out with,” Downing said. “He definitely likes girls and he flirts. He loves it. He knows pretty much every single swim instructor at the pool.”

Downing stressed the importance of striking a balance between autonomy and safety. Even though she’s involved in every facet of Matthew’s life and care, the mother has also taught her son how to ask for privacy.

Autonomy is critical to discussions of sex ed with this cohort, according to Yukari Seko, a research associate at Bloorview Research Institute, who along with social worker Gabriella Carafa developed the new online workshop. “Research shows that parents of children with a disability can be overprotective, and understandably so because they need more help,” Seko said. “But it can sometimes hinder their transition to adulthood. They need to learn and practice taking some risks.”

Opportunities to be independent – and to fail – are integral to figuring out what you want and don’t want in adult life, said Chan. “Youth need the chance to explore their environment and their relationships with others, to not be afraid to make mistakes and to learn from those mistakes,” she said. “You need to be able to get out into the real world and have those experiences to shape your personality, beliefs, values and how you approach different situations.”

At the same time, safety is a very real concern for these parents. Children and youth with a disability or chronic health condition are at an increased risk of sexual abuse, according to the Canadian Paediatric Society.

Miriam Kaufman, author of the Society’s report on this issue and the book Easy for You to Say: Q and As for Teens Living With Chronic Illness or Disability, said it is particularly important for parents of disabled youth to discuss consent, not only because these children can be more physically vulnerable but also because they’ve gotten conflicting messages about bodily autonomy all their lives.

“We have trained, from birth practically, young people with disabilities and chronic health conditions to put up with things that in any other context would be considered abuse: medical procedures, painful procedures … being held down for procedures and being told not to yell and to co-operate,” said Kaufman. “We train these kids from a young age that it’s okay for these strangers in the health care system to have access to their bodies. … They’ve learned that they don’t really have ownership of their bodies.”

It’s always a fine tightrope for parents of kids with disabilities, Kaufman said, who are trying to protect their children while helping them develop positive self-image. “Most parents also want their children to grow up sexually healthy, to be able to have relationships and be happy in those relationships,” Kaufman said. “They don’t want to totally freak them out about sexuality, in terms of protecting them.”

At Holland Bloorview, Seko urged families of disabled youth to educate themselves on these issues, but also to listen to their kids’ questions and observations.

“They are the experts of their life, too,” Seko said.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 Ridiculously Common Worries Sex Therapists Hear All the Time

For anyone asking, “Am I normal?”

By Anna Borges

Fun sex things to talk about: enthusiastic consent, pleasure, sex toys, kink, orgasms, positions, intimacy. Less fun sex things to talk about: insecurity, inadequacy, unwelcome pain, dysfunction, internalized stigma, embarrassment. Understandable. No one wants to sit around chatting about their deepest sexual anxieties. But when you rarely see people having these less sexy conversations, it’s easy to assume you’re the only one who might have a complicated relationship with sex. You’re not.

“The sex education standard in North America is fear-based, shame-inducing messages that erase pleasure and consent,” sex therapist Shadeen Francis, L.M.F.T., tells SELF. “Because of this, there is a lot of room for folks to worry. Most of the insecurities I encounter as a sex therapist boil down to one overarching question: ‘Am I normal

To help answer that question, SELF asked a few sex therapists what topics come up again and again in their work. Turns out, no matter what you’re going through, more people than you might think can probably relate.

1. You feel like you have no idea what you’re doing.

Listen, good sex takes practice. It’s not like sex ed often covers much outside the mechanics: This goes here, that does that, this makes a baby. For the most part, people are left to their own devices to figure out what sex is actually like. A lot of the time, that info comes from less-than-satisfactory places, like unrealistic porn that perpetuates way too many myths to count. So if you’re not super confident in your abilities and sometimes feel like you have no idea what you’re doing, you’re not the only one.

This is especially true for people whose genders and sexualities aren’t represented in typical heteronormative sex ed. “Intersex people, gender non-conforming people, and trans people rarely have been centered in sexual conversations and often are trying to navigate discovering what pleases them and communicating that with partners outside of gender tropes,” says Francis.

People also worry that they’re straight up bad in bed all the time, Lexx Brown-James, L.M.F.T., certified sex educator and the founder of The Institute for Sexuality and Intimacy in St. Louis, tells SELF. “The most common question I get is, ‘How do I know if I’m good at sex?’” This, Brown-James emphasizes, isn’t the right question to be asking. Not only is everyone’s definition of “good sex” different, but it’s not going to come down to something as simple as your personal skill set. It’s about consensually exploring and communicating about what feels good, emotionally and physically, with your partner or partners.

2. You’re embarrassed about masturbation.

Depending on a few different factors, you might have a lot of internalized shame and self-consciousness around masturbation. Maybe you grew up in an environment that told you it was dirty or wrong, maybe no one talked to you about it at all, or maybe you’ve always felt a little nervous about the idea of pleasuring yourself. According to Francis, a lot of people have masturbation-related hangups.

If that sounds familiar, it’s important to remember how common masturbation is and that there’s no “right” way to do it. Not only do people of all ages, abilities, races, genders, religions, sizes, and relationship statuses masturbate, but there are tons of different ways to go about it, too. “People masturbate using their hands, their body weight, their toys, and various household or ‘DIY’ implements,” says Francis. Same goes for how people turn themselves on—people masturbate to fantasies, memories, visual and audio porn, literature, and a lot more. Some masturbate alone, while others also do it in front of or with their sexual partner or partners. Sex therapists have heard it all.

Basically, if your way of masturbating feels good to you and does not create harm for yourself or others, then it is a wonderfully healthy part of your sexuality and you should embrace it, says Francis. (Just make sure you’re being safe. So…don’t use any of these things to get yourself off.)

3. You worry that you’re not progressive enough.

You’ve probably noticed that lifestyles like kink and polyamory are bleeding into the mainstream. It’s not unusual to stumble across phrases like “ethically non-monogamous” and “in an open relationship” while swiping through a dating app.

According to sex therapist Ava Pommerenk, Ph.D., this increased visibility is having an unfortunate side effect: Some people who aren’t into the idea of polyamory or kink have started to feel like they’re…well, boring or even close-minded. Which is not true! But plenty of people equate alternative sexual practices with progressiveness when it’s really about personal preference. If you’ve been thinking your vanilla nature makes you old-school, just keep in mind that it’s totally OK if any kind of sexual act or practice isn’t your thing

While we’re on the topic, it’s worth noting that both non-monogamy and kink can be wonderful but require a lot of trust and communication. Some people who aren’t educated on the ethics involved are taking advantage of these practices as buzzwords to excuse shitty behavior.

“I get a lot of people, particularly women in relationships with men, whose [partners are] making them feel guilty for not opening up their relationship,” Pommerenk tells SELF. At best, that kind of behavior means there’s been some serious misunderstanding and miscommunication, but at worst, it can suggest an unhealthy or even emotionally abusive dynamic, says Pommerenk. If that sounds familiar to you, it’s worth unpacking, possibly with the help of someone like a sex therapist. You can also reach out to resources like the National Dating Abuse Helpline by calling 866-331-9474 or texting “loveis” to 22522 and the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 800-799-SAFE (7233) or through email or live chat on the hotline’s contact page.

4. You feel pressured to have sex a certain way or amount.

“One aspect of this that I see a lot—and this is true for all genders—is pressure to perform,” sex therapist Jillien Kahn, L.M.F.T., tells SELF. “[That] can include things like the pressure to have sex at a certain point in dating, feeling expected to magically know how to please a partner without communication, and/or fear of sexual challenges and dysfunctions.”

Kahn likes to remind her clients that sex isn’t a performance. “The best sex happens when we forget the pressure and are able to connect with our bodies and partners,” she says. “If you’re primarily concerned with your own performance or making your partner orgasm, you’re missing out on so much of the good stuff

Pommerenk also says it’s not uncommon for her clients to worry about the consequences of not being sexually available to their partners. For example, they feel like they’re bad partners if they’re not in the mood sometimes or that their partners will leave them if they don’t have sex often enough. A lot of this is cultural messaging we have to unlearn. It’s not difficult to internalize pressure to be the “perfect” sexual partner. After all, people in movies and porn are often ready and available for sex at all times. But much like worrying that you’re not open-minded enough, if this is how your partner is making you feel or something that they’re actually threatening you about, that’s not just a sexual hangup of yours—it’s a sign of potential emotional abuse.

5. You’re freaked out about a “weird” kink, fetish, or fantasy.

“Many of my clients seem to have a fantasy or enjoy a type of porn they feel ashamed of,” says Kahn. Some of these clients even feel ashamed to mention their fantasies or preferred porn in therapy, she adds. “The thing is, the vast majority of your fantasies have been around far longer than you have. The porn you look at was developed because a lot of people want to watch it. Even in the rare exception of unique fetishes or fantasies, there is nothing to be ashamed of,” says Kahn.

It can help to remember that just because you have a fantasy or like a certain type of porn doesn’t necessarily mean you want to do any of it IRL. According to Kahn, that’s an important distinction to make, because people often feel guilty or panicked about some of the thoughts that turn them on. For example, rape fantasies aren’t unheard of—in fact, like many fantasies, they’re probably more common than you’d expect, says Kahn—and they don’t mean that a person has a real desire to experience rape.

“I try to make sure my clients know that the fantasy doesn’t necessarily mean anything about them, so it is not necessary to try and analyze it,” says Kahn. “Whatever you’re fantasizing about, I can confidently tell you that you’re far from the only person excited by that idea.”

What if you do want to carry out a fantasy you’re worried is weird? Again, as long as you’re not actively harming yourself or anyone else, chances are pretty good that whatever you’re into sexually is completely OK—and that you can find someone else who’s into it, too.

If you’re still feeling embarrassed about any of your sexual practices, desires, or feelings, Kahn has these parting words: “Sexual anxiety and insecurity [are] such a universal experience. There’s constant comparison to this continually changing image of sexual perfection. [People should] discuss sex more openly for many reasons, and if we did, we would see how incredibly common sexual insecurity is.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why You Should Still Be Having Solo Sex While You’re In A Relationship

By Gigi Engle

Masturbation is good for you.

Studies have shown masturbation (and the subsequent orgasms that follow) can help relieve symptoms of depression, improve sleep quality, and even make you more likely to engage in partnered sex (and find that sex more satisfying).

Contrary to the sex shame-y cultural beliefs we have around sexuality, masturbating when you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you don’t enjoy sex with your partner. In fact, studies have shown that people think about their partner most often when engaging in masturbation.

That’s right. Engaging in solo play is healthy (and normal!) even when you’re in a partnered relationship. And new data confirms this theory: According to a new study from the Journal of Sexual Medicine, solo sex is very good for you, no matter your relationship status.

Pretty much everyone is masturbating.

Since there is little research into masturbation, especially when it comes to women, the study sought to provide a basis for more research into female solo-sexual behaviors to be done in the future. It provides a baseline other researchers can build upon. Researchers surveyed 425 women, 61% of whom were in committed relationships, about their masturbatory and sexual habits.

What the results show is that almost everyone masturbates: 95% of participants had masturbated at some point during their lives. Further still, the 26% of study participants reported masturbating on a regular basis, at least once per week, while 27% reported masturbating two to three times per week.

A whopping 91% of women said they masturbated while in relationships. About 9% of participants reported they actually prefer masturbation to partnered sex, and 21% even preferred it to receiving oral.

Masturbation: We’re all doing it.

The top reasons women masturbate are pretty illuminating.

“The reasons cited for engaging in masturbation were manifold, ranging from sexual desire to relaxation and stress reduction,” write the study’s authors. The main reasons women masturbate were pretty widespread. While the top reason to masturbate was fulfilling sexual desire (76% listed this as masturbation motivation), 23% cited stress relief, and a notable 44% used it for relaxation.

The jury is in: The reasons for masturbating are nearly limitless.

Of the 5.5% of women who reported never masturbating in relationships, they cited, “I hardly ever feel sexual desire” and “Sex is a partner-only thing” as their reasons.

In other words, it’s women who have low desire and those who don’t understand the benefits of masturbation (and the pleasure it brings) who don’t do it. Now, if you want to engage only in partner play because it’s your preferred way of receiving pleasure, that’s totally OK. It only becomes a problem when you’re refraining from masturbation because of underlying shame you have around enjoying your sexuality for yourself.

Masturbation is not replacing sexual partners.

According to the study’s authors, “For many women, masturbation does not represent ‘a partner substitute’ to seek sexual pleasure but rather is a stress coping and relaxation strategy.” Solo play is its own self-care activity, not a replacement for partnered experiences.

Masturbation and orgasm release a wave of feel-good chemicals such as dopamine and oxytocin. Oxytocin has been shown to help with sleep, calm the nervous system, and relieve pain. Sometimes you don’t want to go through the bells and whistles of partnered sex and would rather have some time to yourself with a nice, self-induced orgasm.

This is perfectly normal and healthy. Orgasms are nature’s Xanax.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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There are infinite ways to have sex & there’s nothing unnatural about any of them

The famous sex researcher Alfred Kinsey once said the only unnatural sex act is one that can’t be performed.

By and

Humans have discovered an almost infinite amount of ways to have sex — and things to have sex with. The famous sex researcher Alfred Kinsey said: “The only unnatural sex act is that which can’t be performed.”

From foot fetishes to the kinkiest outfit or habits, fetishes are an endless rainbow of preferences and practices. Although human studies on fetishes and atypical sexual interest are few, case studies and research on non-human animal behaviour have revealed some insights about them and how they may develop.

In fetishism, the subject of the desire is not necessarily related to sexual intercourse, yet the fetish drives a person’s sexual arousal, fantasies and preferences. Fetishes can be part of a healthy and playful sexual life for individuals and couples, and also forms the basis of some sexual subcultures.

Unfortunately, fetishes have often wrongly been associated with sexual deviancy, making it easy to feel weird or shame about them. Many of us are quick to judge things we do not understand or experience. When it comes to sex, we can believe that things we don’t do are weird, wrong or even disgusting.

Let’s not judge each other’s sex lives. Instead, embrace your curiosity.

The Pride marches taking place this summer began as a social movement against repressive and discriminatory practices against LGBTQ people following the Stonewall riots in New York City in 1969. Fifty years later, Pride month has become a commemoration and celebration of sexual minorities and diversity.

Let’s take a look under the covers together to paint a more positive view of these so-called “perversions.” We all may have a kink or two. So why not feel more accepting of our more obscure sexual desires?

What are fetishes?

Fetishes are not just about whips and leather, but part of a natural curiosity to explore the unknown territories of our sexuality.

A lot of the early science claimed fetishes were sexual abnormalities or perversions. However, most researchers and clinical practitioners now only consider fetishes to be harmful if they cause distress, physical harm or transgress consent.

Scientists have recently begun to understand how some fetishes develop. Several animal studies and case reports on humans suggest that early imprinting and Pavlovian or classical conditioning can shape the formation of fetishes. We believe learning from experiences plays a large role in forming fetishes.

From a Pavlovian conditioning perspective, fetishes are seen as the product of associating early and rewarding sexual experiences with objects, actions or body parts that are not necessarily sexual. This is perhaps why different people have different fetishes.

As for early imprinting, the best example comes from a study in which newborn goats and sheep were cross-fostered by a mother of another species. Goats were mothered by sheep, and the sheep mothered by goats. The results showed male goats and sheep had sexual preferences for females of the opposite species, meaning the same species as their adopting mothers, while females on the other hand were more fluid in their choices and were willing to have sex with males of both species.

Studies with rats have shown that other non-human animals also develop fetishes.

This study shines some light on sex differences in human fetishes, as men with fetishes tend to vastly outnumber women with fetishes.

These sex differences appear to be explained solely by differences in sexual urges, where men tend to show higher arousal or less repulsion towards various “deviant” sexual acts than women do. This, nevertheless, does not imply men have more psychological disorders.

Fetish-related disorders

Fetishes, just like any other thing in life, can be taken to where it may be a little “too much.” They may not only be preferred, but also needed in the expression of sexual arousal, which can impair the preferred pattern of arousal or performance.

Fetish-related disorders are characterized by the expression of two main criteria: recurrent and intense sexual arousal from either the use of objects or highly specific body part(s) that are not genitalia manifested by fantasies, urges or behaviours; those which can cause great distress or impairment of their intimacy, social or occupational life.

Some are particularly troubling, like exhibitionism or frotteurism. These paraphilias are believed to be distortions of normal sexual interactions with others. Sadly, both of them still remain poorly understood.

As previously mentioned, if by some reason we can establish associations that can drive our arousal through learning experiences, research has also shown that these associations can be “erased.” However, this process can be quite slow, difficult to change and susceptible of being spontaneously triggered by familiar cues.

No definition of normal

Fetishes have the potential of enhancing or expanding the repertoire of sensations we experience during sex. In fact, experimental data shows that animals become more sexually aroused when they learn to associate sex with fetish-like cues.

Instead of focusing on what you should like or what should get you off or not, you’re better off wondering how that thing suits you or your partner. Normality falls within blurry lines, and it is up to you to expand its limits or not.

There is no exact definition of what constitutes normal or healthy. These definitions are highly dependent of the context (historical time and culture).

We get caught up with what appears to be more frequent, healthy, natural or normal: but what about what feels right?

So how do you know if you have a fetish? If there is consent and respect, it really doesn’t matter what you do between the bed sheets, on the kitchen table or on that secret hidden spot.

Perhaps you don’t have a fetish. But it’s never too late to try.

As North Americans celebrate Pride this summer, we should take it as a reminder of our colourful sexual diversity —and also the infinite ways to have sex, with nothing unnatural about any of them.

We believe all people should be allowed to express their sexuality and embrace it without the weight of stereotypes or “normal” standards to live by. Life is too short to not make the best out of it, especially when it comes to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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If You’re Into Kink…

You Need to Join One Of These Dating Apps

By Erika W. Smith

Kink can encompass a lot of things: bondage, yes, but also spanking, choking, feet, cuckolding, and watersports. And it turns out that many of us are at least a little bit kinky. One Canadian study asked over 1,000 adults about their sexual fantasies, and found that about half were interested in some kind of kink. The most popular kinks fell under the categories of voyeurism, fetishism, exhibitionism, masochism, and sadism.

“People want to be tied up,” researcher Christian Joyal told the Montreal Gazette. “As long as it’s with a consenting partner, people will be relieved to know that their desires are not necessarily abnormal.” He added, “One hundred years ago, oral sex was considered gross, 50 years ago it was illegal and now it is the number one fantasy. In 30 years from now, I would be surprised if BDSM wasn’t part of normal sexuality.”

Whatever you’re into, you’re far from alone. And while you can certainly ask your Tinder match if they want to choke you or exchange “kink menus” with your partner, there are also kink-specific dating apps out there to make the search for someone with compatible kinks a little bit easier.

Keep in mind that, as always, consent is mandatory — and if you match with someone who wants you to sign a “consent contract” or refuses to use a safe word, that’s a red flag. If you don’t already know your potential kink partner, sex and intimacy coach Shelby Devlin previously suggested to Refinery29 that it’s a good idea to “[go] on a couple of dates and [get] a feel for someone, giving them an opportunity to demonstrate that they’re good with boundaries, before you do any BDSM.” And that goes for any other kink, too.

On the plus side, many people using kink-specific dating apps may already be kinky pros, rather than someone who just watched Fifty Shades of Grey for the first time. Here are a few kinky apps to get you started

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Getting Kinky In a Relationship?

by:

Don’t worry, it’s okay to be freaky in a relationship and most of the time the other person will love you for it. If you feel that your sexual taste goes beyond that of the average person, have no fear as most Americans feel just like you.

As a society, we tend to move on from what is regarded as normal in order to satisfy our needs. According to surveys, couples who have been going out for more than four years tend to move on to other means of sexual desires that are regarded as less common by many.

Couples who go out for more than four years are moving past the stigma and shame associated with fetishes and kinks, and are becoming more and more comfortable in sharing their pleasures and desires.

If you’re a kinky person, then your partner needs to hear out your desires and fulfills your needs. A mismatch is a relationship killer, and if you’re the kinky one, then there are a few things that you need to do in your relationship in order to get accepted from your partner.

Talk With Your Partner

This might sound weird, but a lot of relationships tend to move past their problems by simply communicating with each other. We understand that you might be afraid to tell your partner about your fetishes and desires, but trust us that communication is key in a relationship. Start off slow and start by talking about what you like most in the bedroom. Explain what that is and why that turns you on. Make sure to make the mood as comfortable as possible, as you don’t want to make things weird.

When you start to talk things out, you will find out if your partner approved of your kinks, if he/she is/are open to them, and if they’re interested in doing them. Your partner might hide it at first, but we’re positive that they will grow into it.

Give Your Partner Time to Think

Most intercourse therapists say that you should always give your partner think about your kinks and desires. You might have told your partner that you’re into restraints and harnesses, and that might sound too much for your partner. But the key is to give your partner room to think it out. Never demonstrate the kink without the approval of your partner. He/she needs to feel safe at all times during bedroom business, and forcing your kink onto your partner is an instant red flag. If your partner eventually approves of your restraint kink or you have agreed on a sex toy you would like to use, you can go to Extreme Restraints and choose the type of restraint together that you will both enjoy.

Show Your Appreciation for Trying Something New Together

If your partner doesn’t feel as kinky as you, and if your partner agrees to your kink, then always show your appreciation for trying something new with you. They might not know how to do it at first, so you should never judge them for doing it wrong. Always be encouraging,  supportive, and avoid making any negative comments towards your partner.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why masturbating is good for your health

(in case you were looking for an excuse)

They’re all *very* convincing…

By Pamela Supple

While masturbation has a multitude of health and wellbeing benefits – and is vital for women at any age – these are my top eight reasons why women should be embracing this opportunity to explore their bodies and become in tune with their sexual wellbeing:

1. Masturbation increases blood flow in your brain

Yep, you heard me – researchers have studied blood flow via MRI scans while participants masturbated, and it’s shown that during masturbation, a blood flow increase is experienced, allowing for a faster blood flow to your brain and genitals.

The MRI scans discovered the blood flows more readily through your body and subsequently to your brain, in turn increasing oxygen and nutrients that stimulate healthy brain function.

2. It helps maintain your vaginal strength

Masturbation can assist with keeping your vagina in tip top shape, helping to strengthen pelvic floor muscles.

Masturbating is essentially a workout for your vagina, with the added benefit of an orgasm at the end. The best part? The stronger your pelvic floor muscles become, the better sex and masturbation will feel, and the easier it becomes to orgasm in future… talk about a win, win!

3. Masturbation boosts your self-esteem

Masturbation is all about self-discovery and self-love, and getting in touch with your own body means loving it more.

Women who masturbate regularly develop improved body image, higher levels of self-esteem, positive genital image, and display improved emotional and erotic intelligence. How can you argue with that?!

When going solo, there are a variety of premium products on the market to enhance your masturbation experience, but I recommend the Womanizer DUO. It indulges in two ways, with Pleasure Air Technology® massaging the clitoris via gentle air vibrations alongside a powerful G-spot stimulation giving an unprecedented level of pleasure.

4. It keeps you looking younger

Thanks to the increased blood circulation in our brains during masturbation, giving yourself some self-loving can actually help you maintain a youthful glow. The extra blood flow prompts nutrients and oxygen to travel to the brain, assisting in tissue repair. This means there’s no better time to whip out your favourite sex toy in lieu of heading to that expensive age-defying facial you might have booked in.

5. It helps you get your much-needed zzz’s

After masturbating, the brain releases dopamine, which assists with falling asleep. Deep sleep rejuvenates the brain, and teamed with an orgasm, is a great health and wellbeing boost. With lack of sleep being related to an increased risk to a plethora of health issues including cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and Alzheimer’s, there’s no better time to ensure you’re getting enough zzz’s in at night.

So, go on – satisfy yourself, and then roll over and drift off to sleep thanks to a masturbation related endorphin flood in your brain.

6. It’s a stress-buster

Everyone has different coping mechanisms for dealing with stress and anxiety. It’s proven that masturbating releases oxytocin into your brain, which is known for it’s calming effects.

So, after your next big day in the office, why not try reaching between your legs and feel the stress and tension release.

7. Masturbation can help ease UTI discomfort

Many women have been in the uncomfortable situation where you can feel a urinary tract infection (UTI) coming on. The next time you’re stuck with the dreaded sensation, take some time out and try to masturbate.

Masturbating can help relieve the pain, lubricate the vagina, and flush the bad bacteria from your cervix via a process called ‘tenting’. You’ll be on your way to kicking that pesky UTI to the curb as quickly as possible!

8. It can help you orgasm

While many women have no problem working up an orgasm during their self-love sessions, many struggle during sexual intercourse with a partner. Many sex therapists recommend masturbating in front of your partner or mutual masturbation to help improve couples sex lives or chance of orgasm.

If you are in a relationship, giving and receiving mutual masturbation helps with optimizing chances of orgasm, as well as increasing feelings of security and closeness in a couple.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why it’s dangerous to treat gay and bi men’s sexual health in the same way

Bisexual men’s sexual health is at risk, Lewis Oakley says, because researchers treat gay and bi men the same way

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One of my biggest issues as a bisexual campaigner is to tackle how we conduct sexual health research.

Last week’s Public Health England report demonstrated an issue we face again and again.

Their latest study found gonorrhea and syphilis cases are surging among gay and bisexual men.

Research like this classify gay and bisexual men as the same thing. But even though other studies have found bi men are more at risk of STIs, their public health needs are often unmet.

Why is treating gay and bi men’s sexual health the same an issue? 

It’s so basic, it’s baffling but here we go. Gay men only have sex with men and bisexual men could be having sex with men or/ and women. How can you not assess these two forms of sexuality separately when looking at sexually transmitted infections?

I do understand the perspective that what they are really doing is grouping together ‘men who have sex with men’ because they have unique health risks.

But from a practical point of view, that simply doesn’t work. You are only taking in to account part of a bi man’s sex life. It is the most obvious form of bi erasure. ‘We are only going to take in to account the sex you have with men. The fact you have sex with women will be omitted from the research.’

Limited studies that do look at gay and bi men differently have found startling results.

One study argued rates of HIV in bisexual men is closer to those of heterosexual men than gay men.

The truth is, this is a large scale failing on the part of sexual health research. It endangers bisexual men like myself.

Sexual health issues unique to bisexual men are ignored because it doesn’t correlate with what gay men are dealing with.

For example, no sexual health research has ever surveyed bisexual men to see if they are more or less likely to use a condom with a man or a woman. From my own interactions with other bi men, I’ve long suspected there could be a discrepancy in condom use. However, because such an issue doesn’t impact gay men, I have no research to prove this point. As a consequence, if I am right it means no effort is being put in to improving condom use by bisexuals.

Bisexual sexual health impact

If we wanted to play the discrimination card, you could argue an unintentional consequence of all this research encourages bi men to see sex with men as too dangerous. It may push them to be more comfortable with women.

For gay men, highlighting specific risks they are more susceptible too is good practice. But for bisexual men who have the option of sex with men and women only showing them negative realities of having sex with men could be off-putting. Obviously, no research has ever asked bisexual men if sexual health reporting makes them more cautious about having sex with men than they are women, so we will just leave that as wild speculation at this point.

More insidiously, the overall consequence is that bisexual men are being disenfranchised from the conversation about safe sex.

London Assembly Health committee found that bisexual people, and those who come under the + category, report that their identity is frequently misunderstood or simply erased by health professionals.

As a consequence, another study found there is a substantial gap in knowledge specifically on bisexual health needs still remains.

Feeling their bisexuality won’t be taken seriously, only 33% of bisexuals feeling comfortable sharing their sexual orientation with their general practitioner.

If we want to change this, we need to make the effort to bring bi men in to the sexual health conversation.

Time to take bisexuals seriously

What we need to see is research that reflects bi men’s experience. Statistics should be available on issues such as condom use, unplanned pregnancy and the most common STIs.

We then need targeted health campaigns telling bisexual men how to protect themselves.

From my own experience, we need to do a better job educating sexual health professionals. Doctors must know bisexuality exists and be educated on their sexual health risks.

As the American Journal of Preventive Medicine reported, men who have sex with men and women — regardless of whether they identify as bisexual — have distinct health care needs.

They could also do more to target bisexuals. I’m not tooting my own horn here but I’m pretty well known for being bisexual. I’ve written for most major sites, appeared across TV and radio and have a weekly column. You would think organizations might reach out to ask me to help promote their bisexual survey/ service – but no.

All I’m asking for is some specific research to help bi men make informed decisions about their sexual health. It’s not unreasonable to ask that bisexual men be looked at separately to gay men.

And until that becomes the new way of working, this bisexual activist will continue to say: the majority of sexual health research is fake news.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Oral Sex Advice For Men

International sexologist Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright offers some tips on how to enhance the quality of your time in the bedroom.

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When oral sex is on the table, women have a better shot at achieving orgasm. And that’s not just a random hot take. According to the researchers over at the Kinsey Institute, men have a pretty good shot at attaining orgasm through vaginal sex alone. Women, on the other hand, prove to be much more orgasmic through a variety of sex acts. And yeah, that includes oral sex. Of course, incentives to engage in cunnilingus extend far beyond the promise of orgasm.

Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright is an international sexologist who’s been recognized by the U.S. Secretary of Health as an expert and key leader in the area of sexual and reproductive health. She’s spent the better part of her career steering individuals toward a healthier approach to sex and relationships. And oral sex just so happens to be part of that equation In fact, Fulbright is so enthusiastic about the act she even authored a guide to help instruct men on their approach. Fatherly spoke to Fulbright about how oral sex operates in service to both pleasure and partnership and what men should keep in mind.

Why do you think oral sex is such an important area to explore within a relationship?

When people indulge in sexual experimentation or when a gal gives the green light to let a lover go down on her, there is a certain degree of vulnerability involved. The variety could be a reflection of other things in the relationship that are beneficial, like a strong sense of trust. Unfavorable relationship dynamics can act as barriers, first in a lover feeling up for being adventurous, and then being able to let go knowing that you’re a safe person to be vulnerable with. Consider how you engage your lover outside of the bedroom, and if there are things you could be doing better in building trust.

Why do you think there’s so much ambivalence surrounding oral sex on women?

People are largely unfamiliar with the vulva. They’re lucky to simply learn the names of each intricate part in a high school biology class. Female sexual pleasuring is still a relatively new concept in human history, and for those up for the task there’s still the fear that they don’t know what they’re doing. A number of females don’t even know how to provide a lover with instruction, given they still face the taboo of exploring their sexuality, especially on their own.

Let’s get down to brass tacks. What are some of the most common mistakes men make when performing oral sex?

Some men think that the urinary opening is the clitoris. A number of them don’t warm her up properly. They dive right in, and that can make for a lot of discomfort. Also, any signs of hesitation or being turned off by what you’re about to do can cause her to shut down. Men need to at least come across as confident with what they’re doing.

How might porn have changed the way things are performed?

For better or for worse, people learn from porn. It can show some techniques for pleasuring, but at the same time, it puts a lot of pressure on women to react a certain way, and that includes being able to produce female ejaculation as part of her reaction. One other related point is that some women who have seen the airbrushed vulvas of porn stars may feel self-conscious that their vulvas don’t look as symmetrical, hairless, or otherwise “perfect.”

Is that what motivated you to put together a “guide to going down” for men?

There was a need for a female expert’s guidance and opinion on things. A lot of men would like to learn about cunnilingus from the ladies themselves. I welcomed the opportunity to deliver facts, clear up myths, empower lovers, and equip readers with a number of hot ideas for better lovemaking.

Do you have any favorite “techniques” you’d recommend to someone who isn’t exactly confident in their oral sex skills?

A big part of this is taking your time. It’s about tending to other parts of the body and making her feel good about herself. It’s also teasing as you’re warming her up. Instead of zeroing in on her clitoris and going to town, get the entire vulva wet. Firmly brush over the clitoris on occasion, but tease it. After some build up, firmly push the tip of your tongue against it as you rhythmically massage it, gradually building up the speed and paying attention to signs of whether there’s too much stimulation or if she wants more.

How can more oral sex increase a woman’s odds of achieving orgasm, really?

For a number of women, cunnilingus is the only or most effective way she climaxes. For a number of women, receiving oral sex is necessary if lovers want her to ultimately orgasm. Though, I warn lovers to avoid making orgasm the goal of any kind of sex and to enjoy the ride. This takes pressure off of the situation and people involved, and keeps you in the moment. Hopefully, this means that lovers won’t rush, especially if they know that the woman tends to be more easily orgasmic via oral sex.

Some say that more cunnilingus in the bedroom could help end the orgasm gap. Would you agree? 

Yes and no. For some lovers, more is desirable, especially for women who know this is a primary way for reaching climax, whether as the main play or foreplay. But for ladies who cum as effectively during certain sexual positions involving vaginal penetration, more cunnilingus may not be necessary. Every couple needs to figure out what’s best for them and communicate about that.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to take charge of your sexual energy and revolutionize your sex life

By Kara Jillian Brown

We’ve all heard the maxim that you can’t really love someone else until you love yourself. A few prominent experts contend the same logic applies to sex, sexual energy, and your identity as a sexual being.

And really, it makes sense: “The most important sexual relationship you will ever have is the one that you have with yourself,” says sexuality doula Ev’Yan Whitney. “Your sexuality isn’t meant to be activated by someone else. You are a fully autonomous, sexual human being with your own needs, your own desires. It’s essentially your job to make sure that you cultivate a relationship with your sexuality.”

 

And while masturbation is a great way to connect to your sexuality, Whitney says it’s far from your only option. You don’t need to engage in any physicality at all. Instead of framing sexual energy as something that manifests during sexual activity, she says we can frame our sexual embodiment as a character trait that’s always with us rather than a hat we only wear when things take a turn for the dirty. Think of it as doing energetic kegels—you can access it always and no one has to know. Like, always. Even while sipping coffee or taking a walk or, even watching paint dry, you’re still a sexual being.

 

“Your sexuality is a fundamental part of you that needs to be put into every aspect of who you are,” Whitney says. “I’m not talking about humping things. I’m not talking about like flirting with people. I’m talking about you having a connection and a belief and an intention that says, ‘I am a sexual being here, as I sit, at this at this coffee shop.’ There’s a freedom in that.”

Okay, great, but…um how? Unlike doing something like your daily kegel reps, which you can know you’re doing even though no one else can tell, harnessing your identity as a sexual being isn’t so checklist-friendly. Below, find a few tips tapping into your sexuality in a way that’s uniquely and authentically you.

Become in tune with your senses

Tyomi Morgan-Nyjieb, a certified Authentic Tantra practitioner and certified sexologist, explains that there’s a difference between sensuality and sexuality, and that to best experience the latter, being able to access the former is a necessary prerequisite.

“Sensuality is being connected to your senses. And being connected to your senses means being connected to life, because now, you’re really being aware of how you are taking in, or experiencing the world around you through your five senses,” says Morgan-Nyjieb. “So if we can learn how to tap into that energy through our senses first and learn how to receive pleasure through our senses first, then people will feel more comfortable, when even connecting to their sexual energy. ”

Practice sexual self-care

According to Whitney, sexual self-care can be anything you do that brings “mindfulness and intention to your sexual energy. So it can literally be any sort of self-care act that you do regularly,” she says. “It’s all about, saying affirmations, saying intentions, and being very present to those affirmations and those intentions.”

Really this can be anything, even simply hydrating: “When you’re drinking water, it’s having this intention that I am nourishing my sexual body as as water is coming into my, my belly and like cleansing my pores,” Whitney says. Or, if you’re prepping your skin for a sheet mask, try thinking of washing your face as connecting to your sexual body and your sensuality in the moment.

Learn how to channel your sexual energy and own it

Maybe embodying your sexual energy means dressing to the nines every day, or maybe it means repeating mantras that remind you of your sexual autonomy. “There’s no right or wrong way to do this, because it’s all about mindfulness,” Whitney says. “It’s all about intention, about being receptive, about finding space to connect with your sexual energy.”

Once you’ve found comfort in your sexuality, you can use it to fuel you throughout your day. “Because we all come from sexual energy, sexual energy is creative energy,” says Morgan-Nyjieb. “When people feel aroused, sometimes that’s that creative spirit saying, ‘Hey, you have all this extra energy right now. Let’s put it into the project, let’s put it into making a difference, let’s put it into building up ourselves.’”

And this can make your sexual experiences, both solo and with a partner, more fulfilling. “The more sexual autonomy I have, I’m able to ask for what I want in the bedroom, I’m able to be more connected to my body on like a daily basis,” says Whitney. “It’s a holistic and beautiful way to connect with all parts of yourself.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Nonmonogamy Is Not The Answer To All Your Relationship Problems

By Effy Blue

Nonmonogamy is becoming more recognized as a legitimate relationship structure with more people talking openly about their practice. Although it certainly is not for everyone and definitely not the “easier” option, it is piquing the interest of plenty of people for many reasons.

For some people, monogamy or nonmonogamy is an orientation on par with sexual orientation. It’s a part of who they are. For others, monogamy or nonmonogamy is a choice. It’s in line with what they want to create in their lives and in their relationships. It’s a reflection of their value system. Some people may value security, safety, and stability, and those may opt for a monogamous relationship, while others may choose nonmonogamy because they value multiplicity, sharing erotic energy, or exploring broader sexual orientation.

In an ideal world, partners are on the same page: They either decide on a structure at the beginning of their relationship, or they decide to shift into a different structure later on in the relationship with a consensus, through open communication.

Actively and consciously designing your relationships, including deciding on whether you want to be monogamous or not, can be a very powerful force for your relationship and set you up to thrive as a couple in the long run. However, if you’re currently in a monogamous relationship and considering opening it up, it’s important to note nonmonogamy is not an effective strategy to solve your current relationship problems or alleviate the boredom you associate with it.

When nonmonogamy doesn’t work.

Because I am a relationship coach specializing in consensual nonmonogamy, so many people come to me thinking an open relationship will fix their relationships. They come defeated, disconnected, and dissatisfied while still feeling very attached to each other. It soon becomes obvious they are reaching out for a life raft in the shape of nonmonogamy. A desire for nonmonogamy turns out to be a bid for space, a bid for attention, a bid for autonomy, a bid for a solution. 

But despite all its potential benefits and excitement, opening up your relationship is not a “solution” or a way to “fix” a relationship that feels negative, stale, or otherwise off.

The best relationships to open are healthy and thriving ones. A healthy relationship of any kind—but especially a nonmonogamous one—requires a foundation of vulnerability, open communication, and trust. Kindness, compassion, mutual respect, and joy for one another along with a desire to address and resolve conflicts create the ideal environment for people to thrive in nonmonogamous relationships. It’s essential for partners to feel heard and their needs highly regarded. If I were to be listening in to a relationship with a stethoscope like a physician to gauge the health of it, I’d be listening for thank you’s and I’m sorry’s. The more genuine gratitude and heartfelt apologies, the healthier and stronger the connection.

Monogamous relationships that lack these fundamental qualities and skills likely wouldn’t be able to withstand the transition to nonmonogamy. If you are finding yourself in the same arguments over and over again, exclaiming “I want an open relationship” as you slam doors; or if you have a closet full of desires that you’ve decided cannot be satisfied by your current partner, and you are not willing to talk about it; or if you feel you are drifting in a haze of sameness and can’t figure out how to break out, nonmonogamy is not the answer.

If you are in a sexless relationship and you aren’t able to have conversations about it; or if you feel chronically lonely in the relationship and aren’t able to restore frayed connections; or if you feel either unheard, unappreciated, uncared for, dissatisfied, smothered, or trapped, and you can’t find words to express these feelings to your partner, nonmonogamy is not going to save you.

Similar to any big change, be it moving to a new state or deciding to have kids, opening up a relationship will shine a sports-stadium-sized spotlight on the issues in your current relationship. Unresolved arguments, hidden resentments, ignored boundaries, delayed conversations, shelved desires, and unmet needs will all come to light and will demand attention. Without well-practiced tools and skills for communication, negotiation, and conflict resolution, nonmonogamy will only apply further tension to the relationship.

Further, if you do open up your relationship with current issues unaddressed and unresolved and start dating other people, you’ll be dragging unsuspecting new partners into your dysfunction.

Do some soul-searching. Are you saying, “I want an open relationship” because you can’t bring yourself to say, “I want to break up”? Are you running away from real or perceived conflict? Have you checked out of the relationship but you feel you can’t leave? If the answers are yes, I recommend you either get support to resolve these issues or find the courage to end your relationship in a kind and compassionate way.

Doing the work.

The truth is “wherever you go, there you are.” If you think the relationship or your partner is the problem and you are trying to get away to have something different, chances are you’ll only have more of the same. We are the common denominators of our lives.

Start with yourself. If it’s available to you, spend a period of time in personal therapy. Also invest in some personal development in the areas of sex and relationships. There are some excellent books, workshops, and online courses and communities dedicated to pleasure-based sex education for adults and communication skills. I also strongly recommend working with a professional, be it a couples therapist, counselor, or coach to address the relationship struggles. Make sure the people you choose to work with are open-minded to the idea that ultimately you may want to move to a nonmonogamous structure.

And last but not least, spend some time focusing on your relationship rather than running away from it. Find ways to have those unresolved conversations. Schedule time to reconnect in line with the way you show and receive love, be it a sensual massage or a picnic in the park.

Here’s the thing: There is no relationship free of conflict or struggle. It doesn’t mean you have to address everything before you can even begin to think about opening up your relationship. Research does show people in consensual nonmonogamous relationships are “more satisfied with and committed to their relationships,” suggesting nonmonogamy can absolutely breathe new life into a relationship. When practiced consciously and ethically, it can be an agent for new energy and connections, self-expression, adventure, discovery, and community.

Nonmonogamy can be a part of a creative, solutions-based approach to making sure everyone gets what they need in the relationship. It requires a goodwill effort to address the relationship as it is today, to hear and attend to the needs of the people in the relationship.

When will you know you are ready? When you feel you can approach nonmonogamy with curiosity and a spirit of exploration—not as a cure-all or an escape.

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What Do Lesbian Sex Dreams Mean If You’re Straight?

For starters, it’s totally normal.

By Lindsay Geller

You’ve just woken up from a sex dream and, instead of feeling happy and relaxed (thanks, sleep orgasm!), you feel totally confused. Why? Because the regulation hottie in your dream wasn’t your usual Chris Evans or Chris Hemsworth (or okay, even Chris Pratt)—it was a woman. Yep, let’s just come out and say it: You had a lesbian sex dream.

But, wait, you’re straight…right?

It’s a question that makes total sense to ask, especially if you’re one to interpret dreams on a literal basis.

I get it: You enjoyed the dream—a lot—but you’ve never really thought about women that way before. Sure, you’ve helped your friends pick their best thirst trap and ogled actresses’ fit bodies, but you’ve never, in the words of Katy Perry, kissed a girl and liked it. (Obvs, you’re cool with lesbian relationships, you’ve just never felt the desire to be in one.)

But before you go texting every one of your friends to find out if you’re the only one who’s had an unexpected girl-on-girl fantasy (P.S. you’re so not) and spiraling into crisis mode, let experts decode what a lesbian sex dream really means.

First, know what a lesbian sex dream is not.

“Women are often anxious about their lesbian dreams, and they needn’t be,” says Gayle Delaney, PhD, a dream specialist, clinical psychologist, and founding president of the International Association for the Study of Dreams. “It’s the rarest of possibilities that you turn out to be a lesbian.” (Not that there’d be anything wrong with you if you come to that realization, but it’s very unlikely the case.)

FWIW, gay men and women have the same horrified reaction when they have a straight sex dream, Delaney says, so it’s not about any stigma but rather the element of surprise

In all her years of analyzing dreams, she’s never encountered someone who identified as straight suddenly realize that they were actually gay (or vice versa) by way of a sex dream.

Psychologist Rubin Naiman, PhD, a clinical assistant professor of medicine and the sleep and dream specialist at the University of Arizona, hasn’t either. “It’s my experience that dreaming doesn’t smack you in the head. I’ve never seen that happen,” he explains.

“I think a woman who has an opening in her heart toward sex with other women or a lesbian relationship would probably have some awareness,” he says. “The dream might surprise her, but it probably wouldn’t shock her.”

Delaney agrees: “People generally aren’t that repressed.”

Still, you might be a bit closer to lesbianism on the sexuality spectrum than you originally thought.

“Most people are on somewhat of a sexual continuum,” Naiman says. “But that doesn’t mean that a woman having this dream is a lesbian.” (ICYDK, tons of straight women get off to lesbian porn, but that doesn’t impact who they choose to date.)

Okay, so what does it mean to have a lesbian sex dream?

I hate to break it to all you dream-dictionary owners, but there “are few, if any, universal meanings to a dream,” says Naiman. The only way to figure out what your imaginary lesbian encounter really means is to ask yourself what it means to you</em

The first step is interviewing yourself about your dream. Delaney recommends asking these questions:

  • What happened in the dream?
  • How did the dream feel?
  • Who’s the woman you’re having sex with?
  • What does it feel like to be with her?
  • How does the sex go?

Of course, the answers will depend on your individual experience. That said, Delaney has noticed striking similarities in women’s responses whenever she’s conducted this type of dream interview.

“Almost always, women say it feels wonderful,” she explains. “Some have a more erotic dream, and some have it more loving. But in both cases, the sex goes really well.”

As for your dream’s costar, it’s “likely a woman you know and whom you admire,” says Delaney. Often, she’s further advanced in her career, and might even be your boss. Again, don’t freak out—your dream isn’t an HR violation.

“The relevant part is what this figure plays in your life. She’s usually someone more along your path, whatever that is,” Delaney explains. “This dream means you really have come a ways to be accepted and liked by a woman who plays a role in your life goals.”

There are exceptions to this dream interpretation, of course, but “the vast majority” of lesbian dreams Delaney has heard actually reveal a woman’s career aspirations—not her sexuality

If that seems ironic, or weird, it isn’t. “One of the mistakes we make about sexual dreams is that we reduce it to the anatomical, physical act of sex,” Naiman says. “Symbolically, a sexual connection is a connection of love.”

So, regardless of whether or not your dream reflects your personal goals, it might also be about how you connect to women—and womanhood itself.

“Dreaming is not just about our personal unconscious, it’s also about our shared, social, and collective unconscious,” Naiman explains. He believes the evolution of pro-women movements over time, most recently with #MeToo and Time’s Up, have made their way into that collective unconscious.

And get this—you don’t even have to be actively aware of or involved in these movements to have their underlying effect on society influence your dreams. Translation: Your dream about making love to another woman could simply mean you love women. (I mean, why wouldn’t you? They’re the best.)

Regardless, however your confusing dream went down, don’t overthink it.

“We have to come at the dream—even difficult and frightening dreams—with the presumption that it’s friendly,” Naiman says. “If we don’t, we’re going to lose some of the personal meaning that’s hidden in the dream.”

So, the next time you have a lesbian sex dream (hey, if it happened once, it can happen again), just embrace it. Then maybe tell a boss lady in your life how much you admire her. Spread the love!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!