Q: My boyfriend and I have been trying to have sex and we have been struggling. We have tried three times. I have never had sex before and we haven’t been able to get penetration, it’s very painful. I believe I have PTSD because I associate sex with an abusive past relationship. I love my boyfriend and I want to be able to be with him in that way. I just feel like something is wrong with me and I have been struggling.
—M, 19
A: Like many traumas, the aftermath of an abusive relationship can be disorienting, uneven, and at times excruciating. It might last years. Revelations will come in fits and starts, hiding for a while then flooding into your brain unexpectedly. You’ll likely feel relief and even bursts of exhilaration, but flashes of the darkest memories may come back at the most inopportune times…such as when you’re trying to be intimate with a person you love, with whom you very much want to be close.
You have a great self-awareness about the lingering fallout of your relationship, regardless of the root of the physical pain you’re experiencing. While I can’t diagnose you, physical pain can indeed be caused by emotional pain, and your inability to have penetrative sex may very well be connected to your past traumas. This means that your brain might be sending signals to your muscles—including your pelvic floor muscles that control contractions in your vaginal opening—to shut down danger, even if you’re genuinely doing something you want to be doing.
Sex or relationship trauma “can insidiously disrupt one’s boundaries and can create some mental confusion,” says Gretchen Blycker, a licensed mental health counselor who focuses on sexuality and sexual trauma. “When there’s an unhealthy relationship and the dynamics are harmful, it can create hyper-vigilance.” Even after that relationship is over, “the body seeks out signals of harm and can have a triggered reaction.”
But first thing’s first: Have you scheduled a physical exam with your gyno? That’s what Dr. Meera Shah, fellow with Physicians for Reproductive Health, does first when a patient reports this type of pain, “in case it is something physical, to make sure that their external and internal genitalia are healthy,” she says. That means checking for infections or a possible hymen abnormality. During the exam, Dr. Shah will stay attuned to the patient’s reactions while gently trying to insert a finger into the vagina (never a speculum at first!), if the patient agrees.
“If somebody really tenses up or really gets uncomfortable,” she says, “it may be something like vaginismus,” a condition that causes involuntary, often painful contraction of vaginal muscles when penetration is attempted.
Frankly, we don’t understand a whole lot about the causes of vaginismus, but many therapists and medical professionals connect it to emotional trauma. Vaginismus is most often associated with any type of penetration, not just penile, so Dr. Shah will talk to her patient about masturbation: “Are you able to explore your body alone, and if yes, what does that look like for you? Do you use toys or their hands, does it feel good to you, are you able to have pleasure that way?” (Also: Do you use tampons?) This gives clues as to whether any type of penetration causes your pelvic floor to tense up, or whether it’s a reaction that happens most when you’re with a partner.
Regardless of whether you have vaginismus (and again, make an appointment with a doctor before self-diagnosing), it’s definitely a good idea to talk to your boo before any fooling around takes place. You absolutely have the right to set boundaries and establish ground rules. Ask him to listen, to be patient and reassuring, to ask permission during each step. If you haven’t already, it might be a good idea to share your suspicion that your pain is connected to a past relationship.
And be gentle with yourself, too. Remember that there’s nothing “wrong” with you. “Sometimes with an abusive relationship there can be an internalization of a harshness towards oneself,” says Blycker. Writer Carmen Maria Machado’s “vestigial trauma” from a toxic relationship caused her to “catch myself thinking in a way that I could tell [my abuser] was shaping, from the past. Which was really disturbing.” The goal is to recognize that kind of thinking, and reshape it.
When it comes to the actual sex, try slowing down. Think of other ways to explore one another’s bodies before going straight for the p-in-v. “Sex” could really mean anything, from touching each other to using your hands or mouth to masturbating side by side. Maybe put anything vulva-related aside for now. If you’re feeling anxious about sex—whether it’s from past trauma or just overall nerves or some combo of the two—you need to give your body and mind a chance to build up trust with your partner.
There are also things you can try alone. Dr. Shah has suggested vaginal dilators to her vaginismus patients. And it’s a good idea to practice relaxation and being present, even when you’re just touching yourself in private. Blyther recommends closing your eyes during sex or masturbation and imagining a “place where you felt enveloped and warmed and loved.” Or it could be as simple as remembering to breathe.
And even if you do end up being able to have pain-free sex with your boyfriend, I’d still recommend talking to a therapist or counselor about your abusive relationship. Healing and processing is always necessary — whether or not it stands in the way of your sex life.
Has your sex life taken something of a nosedive in recent months? It’s likely, at this point in lockdown, that the answer is yes, since the majority of us fall into one of two camps: those who have been unable to see (or meet new) sexual partners; and those who have now been inseparable from the apple of their eye for a little bit too long. Throw in the stress and anxiety caused by current events, and it’s no wonder our libidos are feeling the effect. Research has shown that not only are we having sex less in lockdown, the quality of the sex we are having is lower.
So as lockdown restrictions start to ease, what can we do to spice up our sex lives? Here, Mia Sabat, sex therapist at Emjoy, offers her expert advice.
Try listening to audio erotica
Tapping into our senses is an excellent way to address a flagging sex drive, and Sabat recommends audio erotica to help revive the libido, stimulate the mind and reconnect with your own – and your partner’s – sexuality. “One of its primary functions is to appeal to the body’s most important, and often neglected, sex organ: the brain,” she says. “Research has actually shown that listening to erotica can be one of the most successful practices women can utilise to achieve sexual satisfaction.”
Unlike pornography, which tends to cater to a male audience and focuses on the visual side of sex, audio erotica delivers the script via sound, encouraging our imaginations to go wild. “It’s great for couples because, when listening, each individual can engage with their own fantasies, preferences and turn-ons, while still connecting over the same storyline or narrative, as they act out the story that is being told.” Sabat says. Emjoy is but one of an array of audio erotica apps that offers guided sessions to get you started.
Consider the kind of pornography you watch
Since many forms of pornography are created with a male viewer in mind, it’s a good idea to look for erotica that is being made by women, for women, and that appeals to both sexes. “The story you watch is so important when choosing any form of erotica,” says Sabat. “And because of this I recommend women engage with porn that is going to engage their mind first and foremost, so that their pleasure, preferences and fantasies are able to come to life. By engaging with less conventional and more creative forms of pornography, individuals are better able to cultivate their sexual energy, because it allows people to connect their brains to their sexual desires more tangibly.”
Experiment with touch
Consider incorporating touching “rules” to up the ante on your intimate time together. “You may want to lie together, listening to an audio story, with a no-hands policy in place,” suggests Sabat. “Equally, you might be curious about experimenting with mutual masturbation. My best advice is to let the story build heat and tension between you and your partner and to enjoy that feeling – the mind is so powerful!”
Schedule sex
It may sound a bit, well, unsexy, but making plans for intimacy can actually ensure you look forward to and enjoy precious time together: “Not only will you both feel mounting excitement by looking forward to it throughout the day, but you’ll both feel less on edge, knowing what to expect. Use this dedicated day or hour as a special time for intimacy, exploration and play, and engage with one another’s pleasures,” says Sabat.
Masturbate and explore yourself
“It’s important to remember every sexual experience begins within ourselves, and masturbation embodies this journey. Beyond stimulating our sex drive, self-pleasure allows us to connect with our minds and bodies within a context we often aren’t able to explore,” says Sabat. “It can help us really focus on what we enjoy, without worrying about anyone else, and this can be excellent for both our own wellbeing and our sex life as a whole.” Getting to know our bodies allows us to understand what makes us tick, what doesn’t, and importantly makes us better able to communicate what we want and need, with confidence.
If you are worried that you finish too quickly in bed, you are not alone – around 1 in 3 men in the US report having issues with premature ejaculation. It’s unclear why this happens, but scientists think it’s a combination of psychological and biological factors.
If you aren’t able to have sex for as long as you would like, there are several strategies that can help
How long does the average person last during sex?
The adult film industry often depicts sex going on for hours, which can give a false idea of how long sex should last, says Jamin Brahmbhatt, MD, a urologist at the PUR clinic.
According to a 2005 study conducted across 5 countries, vaginal sex generally lasts for around 5 to 6 minutes.
However, there’s no correct amount of time for sex to last and it’s up to you and your partner to decide what works best.
Why you might not be lasting as long as you want to
It’s common for men to finish too quickly once in a while, but if you nearly always ejaculate after less than a minute of sex, you may be diagnosed with premature ejaculation.
Psychology: Though the exact cause is not well known, “there are definitely psychological aspects to premature ejaculation,” Brahmbhatt says. Studies show that anxiety, particularly anxiety about your sexual performance, is linked to premature ejaculation. Feeling depressed, stressed out, or guilty can also make you more likely to finish quickly. Men may also experience premature ejaculation at higher rates if they have poor body image or are victims of sexual abuse.
Experience: Your level of sexual experience can also affect how long you last in bed. “Men may also climax faster if they are not having sex often or this is their first time engaging in any sexual activity,” Brahmbatt says.
High amounts of free testosterone: Studies show that men with premature ejaculation tend to have higher levels of free testosterone, which can lead to symptoms like loss of energy and low sex drive. . However, scientists say that more research is needed to determine why this is the case.
Hyperthyroidism: Premature ejaculation can also be caused by hyperthyroidism, a condition in which the thyroid gland in your neck produces too much of a hormone called thyroxine. Researchers aren’t sure why thyroid issues affect your sex stamina, but after being treated for hypothyroidism, men are much less likely to experience premature ejaculation.
How to last longer during sex
If you are struggling with finishing too early, here are a five things you can do that may help.
1. Condoms
Since premature ejaculation may be a result of hypersensitivity, using a condom is a simple solution that may make sex last longer. The condom forms a barrier around the penis that dulls sensation and may lead to delayed ejaculation.
2. The pause-squeeze method
The pause-squeeze method can be done while having sex or masturbating and involves:
Having sex until you feel that you are about to ejaculate.
And finally, continuing to have sex and repeating the technique as needed.
“They theory is you stop the flow, let the penis rest, and then go back at it to increase your time, Brahmbatt says.”
Brahmbatt says that this can be one of the more difficult treatments for premature ejaculation because it takes a lot of self-control. Practicing repeatedly and communicating clearly with your partner may help ease the process.
Over time, you may be able to train your body to delay ejaculation without using the squeeze maneuver.
3. Pelvic floor exercises
Your pelvic floor muscles lie just below your prostate and your rectum and just like other muscles, they can be strengthened through exercise. Experts believe that if pelvic floor muscles are too weak, it may be harder for you to delay your ejaculation.
To flex your pelvic floor muscles, act as if you are trying to stop yourself from peeing or passing gas and feel which muscles move. To tone these muscles, you should follow these steps:
Tighten the pelvic floor muscles – you can lie down or sit if this makes it easier.
Hold the muscles taut for 3 seconds.
Relax the muscles for 3 seconds.
Repeat the exercise as many times as needed.
See here for a more comprehensive guide to kegel exercises for both men and women.
If you are still struggling with finishing too early, your healthcare provider can help you or refer you to another expert healthcare provider, since there are also some medications or procedures that you might benefit from.
4. Numbing medications
Numbing medications use ingredients like lidocaine and prilocaine, which work by blocking the nerve signals that make you feel pleasure and pain. These medications generally come as creams or sprays and when they are applied to your penis, you will have decreased sensitivity, and are approved for use in premature ejaculation.
Numbing creams or sprays should be applied to the penis 20 to 30 minutes before sex. Because sexual pleasure will feel less intense, you may be able to delay your ejaculation.
There are some drawbacks to this method, however, as the medication can also decrease your partner’s sensitivity to pleasure. “Make sure your partner knows you are using it — as a heads up and also to make sure they don’t have a history or allergic reaction or problem with its use,” Brahmbatt says.
5. Viagra
Though sildenafil (Viagra) is usually prescribed to treat people who have trouble keeping an erection, research shows that it can help with premature ejaculation as well.
A 2007 study found that Viagra worked well to delay ejaculation and was more effective than the stop-squeeze technique. At the end of the study, 87 percent of subjects using Viagra said they wanted to continue this treatment, compared with 45 percent of subjects using stop and squeeze.
Premature ejaculation is a common condition but it can cause difficulties in your sex life or relationships. If none of these methods work to help you last longer in bed, contact your doctor to help you come up with the most appropriate treatment plan.
Ask a roomful of men in their 60s whether they have any kind of sexual dysfunction — such as problems with erections, sex drive and overall satisfaction — and about 60 percent should raise their hand, studies suggest. They probably won’t, since the topic is fraught with stigma, shame and fear of rejection, but statistically they are likely to be a part of this unhappy club.
That’s cold comfort to people like me, because I would have to — if I were to be honest — raise my own hand.
I didn’t have to wait until I was 60, though, to join the club. I got in about 35 years ago as a side effect of cancer surgery. Picture me then, sitting on a cold examination table at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center in New York, in a hospital gown that didn’t cover my backside. Having just confirmed my testicular cancer diagnosis, the oncologist went on to tell me about a common side effect called “retrograde, or dry, ejaculation,” in which things don’t flow where they should during sex — instead of exiting my body, semen would flow into my bladder. He did assure me that it wouldn’t diminish my sexual pleasure.
I was 26 at the time, and I felt completely alone. Sexual dysfunction isn’t usually considered a young man’s issue, and this was long before there were online support groups for every disease known to humankind.
My oncologist’s prediction didn’t matter much because I entered a years-long period of celibacy in which I tried to get comfortable with my “new normal.” At the time, I was less confident in myself and didn’t have the language to explain my condition.
“For many of these treatments, whether it’s surgery or radiation and whether it’s prostate cancer or bladder cancer, about 85 percent of men will report some difficulty with erections,” says Christian Nelson, chief of the psychiatry service at Memorial Sloan Kettering. “The most prominent sexual dysfunction we see related to those treatments are difficulty with erections, or erectile dysfunction.”
Nelson wasn’t surprised to learn I had been celibate for a number of years after surgery. He has learned that when things don’t work as they should for many men, “there’s upset and sometimes shame . . . that can lead to avoidance.” His practice helps guys identify and use the medications and penile injections that will “help them re-engage sexually, re-engage in dating, re-engage in intimacy.”
But you don’t need cancer treatment to get into the sexual dysfunction club. Admission can be granted through smoking, diabetes or hypertension, but mainly through growing older, says Brant Inman, the co-director of Duke Prostate and Urologic Cancer Center who has studied male sexual function.
His study found that erectile dysfunction hit 2 percent of men ages 40 to 50, 6 percent ages 50 to 60, 17 percent ages 60 to 70 and nearly 40 percent ages 70 and older. A Canadian study showed even higher rates among all age groups.
Inman says that for men under 40, erectile dysfunction is more commonly caused by psychological issues (anxiety, depression, stress), while for older men it is more likely caused by “vascular, impaired blood flow to the penis.”
I spoke with several men for this column, all of whom asked me not to use their names for privacy reasons. One of them, a 60-year-old art dealer from Manhattan, told me he hasn’t been able to achieve an erection for years, which he finds “incredibly frustrating and embarrassing.” He says he tells partners that it is because of his meds, which it may well be (he has taken antidepressantsthat can have sexual effects). One partner told him, “it’s not the destination that’s important. It’s the journey” — a gentle acceptance that, as he put it, helped him to relax.
A 45-year-old advertising executive said he was too embarrassed to talk to his doctor about erection problems that had begun to plague him and instead bought Cialis and Viagra from a friend. The Cialis helped somewhat, but he still couldn’t reach orgasm — and even then, he wasn’t comfortable talking to his doctor, especially after having obtained his drugs through a murky way.
Inman says he understands the embarrassment, but asked, rhetorically, “Would you buy your cholesterol or blood pressure lowering medication from a street vendor?” Of course not, he says, because you can’t be sure of the dosage (milligrams of active agent) or quality (active agent vs. filler), which could be dangerous.
It’s not just with doctors, however, that full disclosure can be fraught for men experiencing sexual dysfunction. When and how to tell a partner feels like a big issue, one I faced as a young man. Before undressing? Post-intimacy? It depends, Nelson says.
It’s certainly easy enough to take a pill without telling your partner, he says, but if performance is unpredictable or for other types of treatment, such as injections to help with an erection, it’s dicier.
“I certainly have some men who haven’t told new partners that they use injections,” he says. “They step into a bathroom, inject, and 10 minutes later they engage in sexual relations.” But he recommends a discussion beforehand when someone plans to use an injection so there are no last-minute surprises
Sometimes, being frank about your own sexual dysfunction leads to a discovery that you’re not the only one. That’s what happened to me with a man I dated for a while. After we had gotten to know each other, he told me he’d had radical prostate cancer surgery and needed injections to have sex. This led me to talk about my own condition. The result was a deeper level of intimacy — and less anxiety.
Recently, after a divorce, I reentered the dating pool and discovered I was no longer so alone in terms of sexual issues. My anecdotal evidence with guys my age or older indicates many are challenged by some form of sexual dysfunction, some minor (slower to get going) some more serious, needing medical intervention.
“People are just afraid” to talk about many of these issues, including doctors, Inman says. It’s important to try to destigmatize the issue. Indeed, it’s still a delicate subject, and someone has to raise his hand to start the talking.
If you’ve ever wondered why it feels so freakin’ good to walk around your house naked, it could be because you’re an exhibitionist. Don’t get me wrong: I recognize that you don’t have to identify this way in order to just fully embrace a braless moment. But feeding off of your S.O.’s attention while you parade around without any clothes on is definitely trudging toward exhibitionist territory.
But if the term “exhibitionist” makes you feel icky, it’s probably because you’ve never heard of it in the sexy context we’re using it. Unfortunately, there’s the other side to exhibitionism that’s the non-consensual mental condition “characterized by the compulsion to display one’s genitals in public” (which is both disturbing and illegal), but that’s not what we’re talking about today.
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Today, we’re talking about the sexy, consensual side of exhibitionism that can be used to amplify your sex life, libido, and orgasms. So allow me to explain everything to know about this v common fantasy and kink because, hey, you’re probably already more of an exhibitionist than you think.
What is exhibitionism?
For those of you who already love being the center of attention and thrive off of other people’s attention, it’s possible “being an exhibitionist is already a skill you possess—even if you haven’t brought it directly into a sexual situation,” says Good Vibrations sexologist Carol Queen, author of Exhibitionism for the Shy.
In a sexual context, “exhibitionism is a sexual kink in which the person feels sexual arousal at the idea or reality of being seen naked or engaged in sexual activities by others,” says clinical sexologist Sarah Melancon, sexuality and relationship expert for SexToyCollective.com. (Like, maybe you’re really into the thought of someone watching you while you masturbate).
Another way of looking at it is “the desire to reveal one’s physical attributes in a sexually alluring or suggestive manner,” says clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly. “In general, exhibitionism involves revealing body parts that are normally covered or obscured by clothing in accord with societal norms.”
Oh, and btw: It’s pretty common. According to research conducted by psychologist Justin Lehmiller, 81 percent of men and 84 percent of women have “experienced sexual arousal at the thought of public sex”—which, you guessed it, is one of the many indicators you could have an exhibitionist kink.
How is exhibitionism different from voyeurism?
The two go hand-in-hand. “A voyeur is someone who feels sexual arousal by watching someone else nude or doing sexual activities. The fantasy of exhibitionism requires a voyeur—it is a relationship between the “see-er” and the “see-ee,” says Melancon. So while you don’t necessarily need a partner to consider yourself a voyeur or exhibitionist, the two kind of thrive off of each other’s pleasures.
What would make someone an exhibitionist?
Remember, there’s no need or reason to identify your pleasure if you’re comfortable with not identifying it at all. But if you’re curious if you are an exhibitionist, here are some things that could mean you enjoy this type of kink.
You love…
Sharing nude photos with your partner while they’re at work.
Encouraging your partner to go shopping for lingerie with you.
Engaging in public sex where you could potentially be caught.
Engaging in public sex at a sex club where watching is encouraged.
Inviting a third person over to watch you have sex and/or masturbate.
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Okay, how do I incorporate consensual exhibitionism into the bedroom?
“Build your comfort with being seen by practicing alone—dirty-dancing in the mirror, watching yourself as you masturbate, experimenting with whatever garments feel sexy for you,” says Queen. “Getting a sense of your own pleasure in showing off is key to really enjoying it with a person watching.”
Now, once you have that down, here are some tangible, practical ways to ignite your sexual prowess, according to licensed psychologist Margarida Rafael, resident relationship and sex expert at AdorePassion.ca:
Videotape yourself masturbating and share it with your partner.
Surprise your partner when they get home from work by walking out naked to greet them.
Have sex in public places that don’t break the law—like, a bathroom at a friend’s house.
Engage in sexual activities against a window, in your swimming pool, and in your balcony.
Elana Arian and Julia Cadrain, a same-sex couple in Brooklyn, recently fought about a hat.
OK, it wasn’t really about the hat. (It never is.)
Cadrain likes things tidy. Really tidy. To the point where it annoys her entire family.
“I put things away while they’re still using them,” she admitted.
So when Cadrain found one of Arian’s favorite hats lying around, she promptly scooped it up, but neglected to store it properly. Arian later discovered her hat had accidentally been crushed.
“I was irrationally so angry about that,” Arian said.
They took a long walk, and had an honest, calm conversation. Soon, they realized that Arian’s frustration was actually about something deeper.
“One of the things that came up was this stress that we’re both under as a result of the quarantine,” Cadrain, 37, said. The couple is caring for their 9-month-old daughter while also guiding their 7-year-old daughter through distance learning. Arian, 39, a freelance musician, is working much less than she typically would. They had each been coping with this in different ways.
“It feels like a very lesbian way to fight. There’s definitely never any yelling. There’s no voice-raising,” Cadrain said. “It’s more kind of tense and quiet and sort of process heavy.”
But is there really a lesbian way to fight? Or a way to address conflict that is specific to gay men? While there is not much research to draw from, the studies that do exist suggest that, on average, same-sex couples resolve conflict more constructively than different-sex couples, and with less animosity.
There are always exceptions, and even the healthiest of gay couples are not continually basking in a rainbow-hued utopia. They have problems just like everyone else.
If they did not, “I’d be out of business,” said Rick Miller, a psychotherapist in Boston who works with gay and straight couples.
Likewise, it is unfair to lump all straight couples together, and disingenuous to suggest that they are not capable of arguing in a healthy way.
But because male and female same-sex couples each have different strengths that help them endure, we can all learn from them, Miller said.
Here are some constructive methods to handle disagreements, as observed by researchers of gay couples:
Rave cited a recent car trip where Forrest, 35, used humor to help end an escalating argument over whether they should rely on Google Maps.
“For me, as a general rule, I self-admittedly will get very much in my head. And David will just simply take the piss out of it and make me laugh,” Rave said.
A 2003 study compared 40 same-sex couples with 40 heterosexual couples over the course of 12 years to learn what makes same-sex relationships succeed or fail. The findings suggested that same-sex couples tended to be more positive when bringing up a disagreement and were also more likely to remain positive after a disagreement when compared to heterosexual couples.
“Gay and lesbian couples were gentler in raising issues, far less defensive, and used more humor than heterosexual partners,” said John M. Gottman, Ph.D., the lead author of the study and co-founder of the Gottman Institute, an organization that provides resources, like workshops and online courses, to help couples strengthen relationships and offers professional training to clinicians. “These were large differences.”
Stay calm
If you find that your heart is pounding during an argument, take a break, said Julie S. Gottman, Ph.D., co-founder and president of the Gottman Institute.
“During the time when you’re apart don’t think about the fight. Instead, practice something self-soothing, like reading a book, something distracting so that your body can calm down,” she said.
But if you need to leave, you should always say when you are going to come back and rejoin the conversation, she said, adding that the minimum amount of time away should be 30 minutes and the maximum should be 24 hours.
Gay men were less likely to go into fight-or-flight mode when they were in conflict, said the Gottmans, who are married, and they also reach resolutions more quickly than different-sex couples.
Treating your partner with respect is always important, but especially during an argument when you might say things you’ll later regret. When you’re heart is racing, “all you perceive is attack, no matter what your partner is saying,” Dr. Julie Gottman said.
And that’s exactly why Rave and Forrest try to end an argument quickly.
“Life is too short to have everything be so dramatic,” Rave said.
A 2018 study suggested that when members of a same-sex couple try to influence one another, they are more likely to offer encouragement and praise rather than criticism or lectures when compared to different-sex couples.
Be mindful of each other’s emotional needs
Unlike gay men, women who are married to women are “constantly monitoring each other’s emotions and needs and responding to them — but they are doing it for each other, so it’s reciprocated,” said Debra Umberson, Ph.D., a professor of sociology and the director of the Population Research Center at the University of Texas at Austin.
Two men, in contrast, do less monitoring, which is less labor-intensive.
“They’re on the same page about it,” said Dr. Umberson, who has studied gay couples for more than a decade. Two men will tell each other what they need or speak up when there is an issue.
If a couple has similar philosophies about emotional monitoring, there is less potential for conflict between them, Dr. Umberson said.
In heterosexual couples, women are the ones who tend to do emotional monitoring and responding, but the men tend to be unaware of it and often are not doing it, she added — and that can negatively affect the couple by making them feel more frustrated, worried, irritable or upset.
Dr. Umberson’s latest study, published in May, examined the psychological toll of providing for the emotional needs of a spouse. The researchers found that the well-being of women married to women seemed to be affected less by the work of assessing and managing each other’s emotions than that of women married to men. Earlier research suggests this could be because lesbians are more reciprocal in taking care of a spouse’s emotional needs and also have a greater appreciation for doing so.
Strive for equality in your relationship
Same-sex couples do not have traditional societal roles defining which tasks each member of the couple ought to perform at home or how they ought to relate to one another, which allows them to create their own dynamic.
Straight couples should negotiate and discuss things more, Cadrain suggested, and “don’t presume certain roles or jobs in terms of who is the breadwinner or how the household is taken care of.”
Although Arian cannot remember the last time she made the bed, she has other responsibilities, like being the chef of the family — or as Cadrain calls her, “C.E.O. of the food and the nourishment.” And because Arian was a teacher for many years, she is responsible for distance learning and staying on top of their 7-year-old’s schooling.
They do not typically fight about chores, the couple said, because they try to divide them based on what they like to do best or which of them is best positioned to complete a task.
“I suspect that has to do with gender roles not being present,” Arian said.
In heterosexual couples, researchers have found more of a power difference between members of the couple than among same-sex couples, Dr. John Gottman said.
“The same-sex couples we studied were very aware to try to make the power relationships more equal between them,” he said.
And if members of a same-sex couple disagree, they are more likely to listen to one another’s point of view, he added.
The Gottmans’ 2019 study, an assessment of more than 40,000 couples worldwide who were about to begin couples therapy, found that same-sex couples have a better quality of intimacy and friendship in their relationships.
Recognize and appreciate your differences
Each person brings their own baggage and their own way of looking at the world, Miller said.
“Really appreciating those differences and similarities and figuring out how to deal with it together — that’s what makes a healthy couple. And that goes across all borders, groups and genders,” he added.
Cadrain and Arian, for example, said they tried to be mindful of each other’s different communication styles.
“I tend to kind of under-communicate when I’m upset,” said Arian, who said she has a temper but often becomes restrained and terse during arguments. “I’m not proud of it.”
Cadrain, however, likes to talk things out — sometimes before Arian is ready. Simply being aware of their differences helps them manage conflicts when they arise.
Rave and Forrest are also different in a lot of ways: Forrest likes to go out and be social; Rave is more of a homebody. This has been a point of contention in their relationship.
“Allowing space for the person to be themselves is so important, and not shaming that person into what you want them to be,” Forrest said.
Finally, when thinking about your differences, try not to focus too much on the negative.
“Look for what your partner is doing right rather than always looking for what your partner is doing wrong,” Dr. Julie Gottman said.
They say the mind is the biggest, most powerful sex organ in the body. But, uh, don’t try visualizing that mental image too vividly or literally, unless you’re into that sorta thing?
Instead, imagine your favorite fictional crush pressing you up against a wall, or think back to the hottest sex you ever had in your life. Now stop imagining, because this magical place where all your desires are possible and acceptable exists. And literally anyone can tap into it.
While sexual fantasies are by definition not “real,” their effects on your sex life (especially when explored during masturbation) are — shall we say — palpably physical.
“Engaging your imagination rather than relying on visual porn for example helps to build, enhance and strengthen your erotic mind,” said Dr. Britney Blair, co-founder and Chief Science Officer of the sexual wellness Lover app. “You can bring that imagination to life when you want to prime the pump on your desire or push yourself over the edge to climax while solo or with a partner.”
“It’s incredibly liberating, recognizing our own power to design the scenes and situations that turn us on.”
To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with porn or other forms of erotica. But there’s something especially powerful in orgasming to smut that couldn’t be more personally tailored to what you like.
“In our minds we’re not confined to our studio apartments or our current sexual partners. There are no rules or judgments. Not even the laws of physics apply,” said Gina Gutierrez, co-founder of the popular audio erotica app Dipsea. “It’s incredibly liberating, recognizing our own power to design the scenes and situations that turn us on and to scrap the ones that don’t work for us.”
Don’t take our word for it, though. There’s science to show exactly how real the effects of a healthy erotic imagination are.
“The mind is really the recipient of all the body’s sensations. So there’s this empirical evidence of a huge connection between the mind and pleasure,” she said.
While everyone can benefit from using their imagination as a sexual aid, it’s an especially potent practice for women and others who society has conditioned to feel ashamed about their sexuality.
“We have to do more work to lay down the connections, the neural pathways, between the genitals and the brain’s sensory reward regions,” said Wise. “Using your imagination to masturbate not only gives us the information about what stimulation we need, but also actually strengthens the connections between our genitals and the brain.”
Beyond that, getting off to our own sexual fantasies tackles another negative effect that patriarchy can have on women’s sexuality.
“We’re socialized to think of ourselves as the objects of other people’s desires, like we need to borrow someone else’s idea of pleasure” said Wise. That’s why learning how to be the subject of our own desires, to embody the pleasure we conjure up in our own mind, can be so empowering.
Everyone with a brain, genitals, and desire is already equipped to masturbate to their own sexual fantasies. And while the practice does come more naturally to some, it only takes little guidance and patience to unlock the endless possibilities tucked inside your erotic mind.
Set the right environment
A major key in setting your mind up for erotic success is to ensure your environment allows your brain to feel fully relaxed, safe, and free from distraction.
Pick a time and place where you’ll have full privacy without needing to worry about any interruption, whether from roommates or notifications. For most people, that place will naturally be the bedroom. But put some effort into also making it a true fortress of sensual solitude, like by locking the door, setting your phone to airplane mode, putting on an eye mask, or maybe even using some essential oils and putting on your favorite sexy playlist.
Blair even recommends purposefully scheduling these more exploratory kind of session and making them habitual. So maybe it can be something you add to your nightly ritual before bed: Brush your teeth, do the skincare routine, put on some pajamas, then let your mind wander as you touch yourself.
Create a safe space in your mind
Of course, priming yourself with the right mindset is vital to unlocking your brain’s full fantasy potential.
One of the biggest hurdles to exploring our erotic imaginations is actually the engrained social shame many of us have picked up (even subconsciously) through sexism, homophobia, social stigmas, religion, etc.
“It’s important to know if that is coming up for you, you’re not alone. But there is no such thing as a wrong or right fantasy.” said Blair.
Treat your imagination as a judgement-free zone. To be fair, clearing or redirecting your mind away from feelings of shame is easier said than done. But certain exercises can help (which we’ll get into more in the mind-body connection section below).
Blair suggests that, while exploring sexual fantasies in your mind, try to distinguish between when you’re having a reaction versus a judgment to a certain scenario. Judgments often come from values imposed on you by something or someone else, while visceral reactions can be an indication that your mind wants to explore it further — especially if it’s something your never thought you’d be into.
It’s easy to get scared off by an intense response to a fantasy, and write that off as being too weird or outside the norm for your taste. But if you give yourself a second to assess where that response is coming from, you might actually find that the intensity comes from a part of you that you’ve never tried tapping into before.
“Everything is okay in the world of fantasy. No fantasy is a crime.”
Or maybe not, and that’s fine too. The point is, if you feel safe doing it, just try leaning into parts of your erotic mind that feel challenging and see where it goes.
“Everything is okay in the world of fantasy. No fantasy is a crime,” said Blair. “Whatever turns you on in your mind is totally healthy. Your fantasy doesn’t say anything about you except that you are lucky to have a rich imagination that you can use to have an exciting and enduring erotic life.”
That’s another major benefit of sexual fantasies versus traditional porn, too. You don’t have to worry about any ethical concerns, because your imagination can’t hurt you or anyone else. You’re in total control.
“You imagination is a completely safe space,” said Dipsea’s Gutierrez. “We can play out fantasies that are risky or illicit that we would never actually want to happen in real life. In our minds we’re free to experiment without consequences.”
Familiarize yourself with (but don’t feel limited by) common sexual fantasies
While the whole point is to tap into the unique potential of your own mind, a good jumping off point is to explore whether the most common sexual fantasies spark your interest. Researchers have labeled them into different categories, though there’s a world of possibilities within those labels as well.
Dr. Blair described these categories as multi-partner sex like group sex or threesomes; power, control, or rough sex; novelty, adventure, and variety; taboo and forbidden sex; partner sharing and non-monogamous relationships; passion and romance; and erotic flexibility like homoeroticism or gender-bending.
Jess O’Reilly is a sex educator, author of The New Sex Bible, and Astroglide’s resident sexologist. She explained that through each of these fantasy categories you can help identify the specific core erotic feelings that get you into a heightened state of arousal.
“Oftentimes, they relate to fantasy, escapism or subverting otherwise ‘negative’ emotions. You might find that sex is really hot when you feel powerful, submissive, challenged, mindful, or playful,” she said. “You may also find yourself aroused by feelings that you don’t naturally associate with pleasure, like jealousy, inadequacy, fear, and even humiliation can be exciting.”
What our brains often gravitate to most is pure novelty. What gets you off in a fantasy can actually be the total opposite of your real-life sexual orientation or even completely removed from you, as an abstract scenario happening to someone else entirely.
So don’t be weirded out if you learn that you’re as horny for that fish-god monster from The Shape of Water as the Academy Awards were in 2018. Or maybe you’re one of the many women who enjoys a rape fantasy — which, as Dr. Wise points out, in a fantasy context is the opposite of a real-life rape since, “you’re choosing to have the fantasy and who’s overpowering you. You’re in complete control.”
One other general rule of thumb Wise found is that while men tend toward more visually-oriented fantasies centered around preferred body parts, women tend to focus on overall scenarios. However, it’s impossible to distill the endless possibilities of human sexuality into neat categories. Which is why you also shouldn’t get discouraged or ashamed if none of these common fantasies do it for you.
“Our capacity for imagination is limitless,” said Wise. Don’t feel pressure to confine yours to a specific label.
Start building your erotic imagination through fiction, porn, memories… anything!
The truth is that, while other obstacles might make it hard initially to give yourself permission to explore sexual fantasies, using your imagination is a very natural and innate part of being human. Who doesn’t fantasizing about getting up from their desk in the middle of a hard work day and quitting, or spend time daydreaming about how they’d furnish their dream apartment?
“We make Pinterest boards and save Instagram photos, collect and catalog all these things that we like. I recommend starting to do that for your sex life,” said Gutierrez. “Become more mindful observing what attracts you to someone. The moments where you feel sexiest. What you want to say out loud during sex but hesitate to. Then the next time you want to use your fantasy for pleasure, you know exactly where to draw from.”
Everything in your life can become part of your horny mood board.
Everything in your life can become part of your horny mood board.
We all have that one fictional character or public figure — whether from books, tv, movies, video games, or even politics and the internet — that just does it for us. Begin there, expanding into a specific sexy scene that got you going or whatever comes to mind when you think of that person. Heck, maybe you’re like me and realize that a silky, authoritative voice is actually your kink, leading a bunch of non-erotic popular podcasts to become your go-to spank bank material.
Audio erotica can be a great place to start if you don’t want to take the training wheels off yet to explore sexual fantasies of your own making. Unlike visual porn, audio erotica still exercises the muscles of your erotic imagination, asking you to fill in the details and paint the full picture. While we always recommend Dipsea, there’s also plenty of free ways to try audio erotica like r/gonewildaudio and Girl on the Net.
Once you’re ready to bring yourself more to the forefront of the fantasy, begin with a memory of the hottest, most visceral sex you’ve ever had. Really ground yourself back in that moment by recalling your senses: What position were you in? What did the person’s lust feel like? Were you sweating? How exactly did they touch you?
Touch yourself while pulling from all the erotic mental material you’ve curated, and don’t be afraid to really get your whole body involved in mimicking the sensations you’re creating through your mind. Maybe that means masturbating while you’re on all fours, or matching the tempo of the fantasy, or even dry-humping a pillow. Don’t put any pressure on yourself to orgasm throughout any of this, though, and instead just zero in on embodying the experience of your imagination.
“It’s about giving yourself full permission to explore all our internal pleasure places, and how we experience them in both our minds and bodies at the same time,” said Wise.
Try these exercises to strengthen your mind-body connection
Through her research and other studies in the field, Wise has ultimately found that, “This distinction we make between the mind and body is really a very arbitrary one.”
One of the best ways to embrace this in a way that engages your erotic fantasy life in is through something called mindful sex.
This increasingly popular branch of sex therapy describes a bunch of different practices and exercises that add a layer of sexuality to mindfulness, to help you stay present in your body while experiencing pleasure, train your mind to focus on whatever arouses you, and engage in a non-judgmental curious sexual mindset. Try out basic exercises like pleasure mapping (which Dipsea has a guide for), mindful masturbation (which you can read about here), and sensate focus (which you can read about here).
Wise also suggests a very simple exercise for getting your imagination more connected with your genitals on a neurological level: Just start by tapping or pleasurably touching your genitals, then stop, then think back on the sensations you felt while touching them. Try to recall and summon them back in your body: What did it feel like in your body when the stimulation was building, then dissipating?
At first, it might not feel like much at all and the pleasure may be pretty mild compared to what you’re used to while using more immediate erotic visual aids like porn.
“But you’ll slowly start to develop a better connection to that pleasure sensation channel in your brain,” she said.
Use your imagination during partnered sex
While sexual fantasies are a great way to enhance self-love, learning how to engage with them during partnered sex can also do wonders to get people over the edge and into orgasm.
At this point though, you might be wondering: Is it even OK to fantasize about other situations — or maybe even other people — while having sex with a partner?
“It doesn’t matter where you get your appetite, as long as you’d come home to eat.”
“Yes, it’s an unequivocal yes! Because thinking about stuff is not the same as doing it,” said Wise. As the famous saying goes, “It doesn’t matter where you get your appetite, as long as you’d come home to eat.”
It’s totally normal for your mind to desire novelty, especially if you’re not in a new relationship anymore. In fact, Wise found that one of the best ways to ensure a couples’ longevity is precisely this kind of openness and understanding that people need to fuel their erotic imagination with new stuff.
“If we can get over these kind of hang ups, get past this fear of our partners having a fantasy about somebody else while they’re with us, and instead use it as an opportunity talk about: What would you like? What haven’t we tried? What are you afraid to tell me? Because that’s hot. That’s really hot,” said Wise.
Or maybe instead of thinking about someone else, you’d simply rather use your imagination during partnered sex to transport you both to a setting or scenario that heightens your arousal even more.
In the end, what you do with your erotic imagination is up to you. You can share it if you’d like — or keep it all to yourself. That’s what’s so great about sexual fantasies you cut from your own cloth: They’re all yours, and no one else’s.
Long distance relationships are challenging. Although you may have strong feelings for your partner, prolonged periods of time apart and a lack of physical intimacy can put any couple’s bond to the test. Deciding to commit to a long-distance relationship is an important decision, and couples have to be clear about their expectations, feelings, and boundaries before moving forward with this type of relationship. Communication, trust, and emotional intimacy have to lay the foundation so that the couple can continue to grow, even if they’re miles apart.
The good news is that long distance relationships are not impossible! “Challenging times call for some flexibility, which is a hallmark of a successful relationship. While it is difficult not being in close physical proximity, it is an opportunity to deepen and enrich the relationship in ways you may not have been able to do previously,” says Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, M.S., a licensed clinical professional counselor and a Certified Imago Relationship Therapist at TheMarriageRestorationProject.com. Long-distance relationships present the chance to get to know your partner on a deeper level, strengthen your emotional intimacy, and sustain a lasting connection. “It will also be a test if your relationship has staying power,” Slatkin says.
Thankfully, we live in the 21st century and have technology, so there are plenty of ways to maintain communication and an intimate connection with your partner at a distance. Having daily phone calls, video-chatting, and scheduling virtual dates are just some of the ways you can stay close with your significant other. And if the spark ever starts to diminish, we have plenty of tips from experts to keep your relationship fresh, exciting, and intimate (yep, even physically!). Here are smart tips from experts and Prevention.com editors to help your long-distance relationship make it through the long haul.
1 Stay connected with daily calls and check-ins.
Although communication is important to all relationships, openly communicating with your partner is especially vital for couples in long distance relationships, says Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and author. “Many long-distance relationships deteriorate when partners forget to engage in little rituals that build healthy connection. It’s important to remember that small niceties like a tender goodnight call or a loving wake-up text go a long way,” she says.
2 And use a full range of ways to keep in touch.
Ryan Drzewiecki, Psy.D., Director of Psychology at All Points North Lodge, suggests relying on various means of communicating outside of a phone call. “Send photos and videos throughout the day, share memes that made you laugh, link an article you found to be thought-provoking, or send a care package through the mail,” he says. “By mixing it up, you keep everything interesting and fun, and avoid having the act of communication become a dull routine.”
3 Video chat with your partner weekly.
Communication is essential to making long distance relationships work, but seeing your partner’s face is especially important to maintaining the connection, says Fran Walfish, Psy.D., Beverly Hills and New York City based family and relationship psychotherapist, author of The Self-Aware Parent, regular expert child psychologist on The Doctors, CBS TV, and co-star on WE TV. Through video chatting, couples can read body language, facial cues, and additional messages that tell us how the other person truly feels, Walfish says. “The goal is to learn what feels good to her and communicate what feels good to you.”
4 Write handwritten letters.
Writing letters is not an activity of the past! “There is something deeply special and personal in a handwritten letter, and as a couples counselor, I have found that people are often able to be more vulnerable in their writing,” says Jessica Small, M.A., LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist with Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. “Getting something from your partner in the mail is fun, exciting, and feels like something tangible to hold on to while apart.”
5 Find creative ways to bond.
To keep the relationship fresh and exciting, dream up some creative ways to connect with your partner. “If you want to have a movie night, thanks to Amazon Prime, Netflix, and other streaming services, it’s very possible to set up a date night to Skype or Zoom while the two of you Netflix and chill,” says Christopher Ryan Jones, Psy.D. psychologist and sex therapist, member of both the American Psychological Association (APA), and host of Sex Therapy with Dr. Christopher Ryan Jones podcast. He also suggests surprising your partner with flowers, chocolates, or other thoughtful gifts they’ll appreciate from miles away.
6 Have a virtual date night.
While watching a movie at the same time as your partner is an obvious way to have virtual date night, there are plenty of other exciting options that couples can do to build romance while physically apart. Tara Overzat, Ph.D., online mental health counselor at Getting Overzat, recommends enjoying a meal together over Zoom or doing a virtual tour of a museum, such as the Louvre, together. “Even when you are apart, it is important to carve out time for a special activity the two of you can do together,” she says.
7 And create themed dates.
Just because you’re miles away from your partner, it doesn’t mean you can’t have some fun with date night. Choose a themed date night a few times a month to really freshen up your virtual date. The options are endless, but consider a wine tasting, pasta making, or painting.
8 Try a couple’s personality assessment.
Alisha Sweyd, a licensed marriage and family therapist in California, recommends that long-distance couples do a couple’s personality assessment together, like the Better Love Assessment or the SYMBIS Assessment. “These assessments help you to have discussions about how your personalities work together to make an incredible and unique relationship,” Sweyd says. “They also share where you may have pitfalls that you can struggle with, and discuss ways of overcoming those obstacles. This will allow for more emotional connection and intimacy as well as strengthen the relationship as a whole.”
9 And have regular “brainstorming dates.”
A “brainstorming date” is when couples talk about what’s working and what’s challenging in the long-distance relationship, explains Karin Lawson, Psy.D., licensed Florida psychologist in private practice. “The goal of your brainstorming date is to problem-solve together (here comes the teamwork) to figure out what needs tweaking,” she says. “This might mean frequency of contact, mode of contact, what you talk about, etc. The point is to also highlight your strengths as a couple and to give credit to what’s working.”
10 Make a relationship bucket list.
Creating a bucket list can be a fun way to keep couples united on their goals and enhance excitement. Sure, you can fill the bucket list with long-term goals like moving closer together, but you can also keep your list simple and filled with fun activities. For instance, maybe your bucket list includes a trip to Mexico, running a half marathon, or attending a cooking class. The sky is the limit!
11 Find shared activities.
“Even though you’re far apart, it is important to do things together, in addition to just talking on the phone or using FaceTime,” Drzewiecki says, adding that long distance couples can synchronize activities like morning coffee, eating lunch, watching shows, or playing games together. “Shared activities will keep you engaged and interested in one another, and prevent the relationship from falling in a rut,” he says.
12 Maintain sexual intimacy.
Although it could be challenging to create a sex life without physical connection, it’s certainly not impossible, says Carolina Pataky, Ph.D., licensed marriage and family therapist, clinical sexologist and certified sex therapist. “It’s important to make the effort to be open and honest with one another about your needs, feelings and desires. Thanks to our technological advances you can maintain sexual connection,” she says, adding that long distance couples should give virtual sex a try. “Sex can be a way for you to bond with your partner and share pleasure and fun.”
13 Try a couple’s vibrator.
“Distance does not mean the intimacy is gone,” Jones says. You can take virtual sex up another level with a couple’s vibrator. “Fortunately, there are companies like We-Vibe that make amazing products that your partner can control from anywhere in the world,” he says, referring to the We-Vibe Sync. “This can really spice things up when you are away from your partner.”
14 Read a book about sex.
Long-distance couples can read a book about sex simultaneously, Sweyd suggests. “Sexual intimacy is crucial in relationships, and especially hard in long distance relationships,” she says. “During the time apart, reading a book about sexual intimacy in relationships can help to strengthen the sexual intimacy.” Most importantly, couples can discuss the book together. “Reading the book can help to spark the conversations that help a couple communicate about sex in a healthy and productive way,” she says.
15 Establish expectations.
With the element of distance, couples should discuss their expectations and desires for the relationship. “Manage unhealthy habits by communicating and taking responsibility for your fears, needs and hopes,” Pataky says. “Both of you need to be clear with what you expect of each other during this long-distance relationship.”
16 And be honest about your wants and needs.
Couples in a long-distance relationship must be honest about their desires and needs, says Saba Harouni Lurie, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Take Root Therapy, a group psychotherapy practice in Los Angeles. “If you’re afraid to ask for something, let your partner know you’re a little nervous about bringing it up,” she recommends. “Hopefully you and your partner are able to hear each other without judgment, and come to a compromise.”
17 Don’t forget to openly discuss any concerns.
Manly says, in long-distance relationships, there can be a temptation to compartmentalize or avoid discussing bothersome issues. “Healthy long-distance relationships thrive when partners trust that they can safely discuss their worries and concerns,” she says. “Romance tends to grow stronger and couples feel more connected when they face the good and the not-so-good times as a team.”
18 And be sure to set rules and standards.
In addition to establishing expectations and boundaries, Pataky suggests setting some ground rules. “Talk about exclusivity, dating others, and so on so you can both be clear on where you each stand with one another,” she says. “Understand your commitment level and what that means to each of you. It’s better to be open with each other about all these things.”
19 Build trust.
“Trust is the basis for all good relationships,” Walfish explains. “Once trust is established and you feel safe, inhibitions decrease and free us to let loose, be ourselves, and be free within the context of coupling up.” Walfish says that long-distance couples can build trust can be built through consistent communication, specifically, over video chat. “The foundation of developing trust can begin long distance through Skype conversations,” she says.
20 Make plans to see each other.
“If possible, have regular in person visits,” Small suggests. “Getting to spend in person time together is important because it allows you both to integrate into one another life and get a sense of what life together would feel like.” In-person visits create opportunities for physical intimacy, which is an important aspect of relationships.
21 Plan a surprise trip.
Because you’ll be traveling to see each other anyway, why not switch things up and meet your partner in a really cool place? Plan a surprise trip, and your long-awaited reunion will be better than you could have ever expected.
22 Before you leave them, hide a gift in their home.
When you do get the chance to visit your partner, leave a little surprise for them to find after you’re gone. Purchase a small gift or write a thoughtful note and hide it somewhere in their home. They’ll be so happy to find it later on!
23 And swap belongings before you go.
When you’re really missing your partner, take one of their belongings home with you. It can be anything, but a fun hack is to put your partner’s T-shirt or sweatshirt around your pillow, and you can hug it and pretend it’s them at night. They’ll feel extra close.
24 Establish a timeline.
There’s a good chance that long-distance couples will eventually want to be closer together, so Pataky recommends establishing a timeline. “Humans crave touch and contact. Be honest with one another on what each of your timelines and expectations are moving forward,” she says. “Ask one another the tough questions and be willing to compromise and adjust without being afraid to ask for what you need.”
25 Remind your partner why you love them.
Although this may feel intuitive, Manly says long-distance couples should remember to tell their partner why they love them and are grateful for them. “Research shows that gratitude is an essential key for relationships—and it’s all the more important for long-distance romances that can have their share of challenges,” she says. “Take the time to let your partner know—at least a few times per week if not a few times per day—how truly grateful you are for the loving relationship.”
At the start of the COVID-19 pandemic, one news story stood out. Amid the fear of the coronavirus and the uncertainty around how best to contain it, it seemed we were also on the brink of running out of condoms.
In March, the world’s biggest condom manufacturer warned of a global shortage after it was forced to close its factories in Malaysia for a week to comply with local lockdown restrictions.
Karex makes one in five condoms worldwide and has operations across the United States, United Kingdom, Malaysia and Thailand. In normal circumstances, it produces five billion condoms a year, and supplies governments, NGOs, brands and retailers in over 130 countries. The factory reopened at the beginning of April but has been operating with only half its staff.
“It will take time to jumpstart factories and we will struggle to keep up with demand at half capacity,” the chief executive, Goh Miah Kiat said at the time. “We are going to see a global shortage of condoms everywhere, which is going to be scary.”
Karex have not yet issued an update on their production levels. At the point the factories reopened they were experiencing a shortfall of 100 million condoms. But how much will this actually impact on our lives right now?
At first brands were expecting a rise in condom use, assuming that social distancing would lead to people staying in and having more sex. In March Trojan Condoms urged retailers not to deprioritize condoms by classifying them as ‘non-essential’. “More time together spells more sex,” said Bruce Weiss, the vice president of marketing for Trojan Condoms. “Condoms are more important than ever before and should be considered essential products amid the COVID-19 outbreak.”
At the end of March, a YouGov survey of more than 24,000 US adults, one in eight said they’d been having sex with their partner more frequently. Around the same time, adult retailers noted a rise in sex toy sales, including those aimed at couples. But as time has gone on, it’s become clear that for many people quarantine has been a total libido-killer. Being stuck at home with your partner with nothing to do and nowhere to go is not a recipe for excitement, sexual or otherwise. Vogue reported in April that many people were experiencing an “erotic nosedive” as the effects of stress and overfamiliarity took their toll.
With casual sex and hookups also off the table, the demand for condoms has gone down. By the end of April major brands such as Durex were reporting a reduction in sales. Laxman Narasimhan, the chief executive of Reckitt Benckiser, the company that owns Durex, told The Guardian that quarantine restrictions in the UK had led to reduced opportunities for sex as single people and people living in different households to their partners were no longer allowed to meet up. “What you see is this virus is having a toll on the number of intimate occasions in the UK,” he said. He noted that increased anxiety had also led to less sex between established couples.
While it might be the case people are having less sex, the desire to avoid pregnancy has not decreased. In a survey in Italy published in the Journal of Psychosomatic Obstetrics and Gynecology 81.9% of respondents said they did not intend to conceive during the pandemic. Of the participants who had been planning to have a child before the pandemic, 37.3% said they’d since ditched their plans. Condoms might be in demand after all.
It’s worth remembering, however, that not everybody who uses birth control uses condoms. In the U.S. just 15% of women who use contraception use condoms as their preferred method. A factsheet from the Guttmacher Institute indicates that 25% use the contraceptive pill, 12% use an IUD, and many rely on tubal sterilization (22%) or vasectomy (7%). In the UK 26% of 16–49-year-olds use hormonal contraception as their usual method, according to findings from the NATSAL-3. Furthermore, barrier methods such as condoms were found to be higher in short-term relationships among younger participants—precisely the demographic least likely to be having sex under current social distancing regulations.
A potentially greater concern—both at home and around the world—is the restricted access to sexual health services and family planning. Analysis from the Guttmacher Institute estimated that 49 million women globally would miss out on contraception as a result of the disruption to services caused by COVID-19.
Many sexual health providers in the U.S. and UK have reported a drop-off in the amount of patients they’ve seen, as people stay away from hospitals and clinics. In some cases, this can be viewed as a positive. STI transmission rates are at an all-time low in the UK, and the availability of home-testing means people can get diagnosed without leaving the house. But when it comes to long-acting reversible methods of birth control, the situation is more concerning.
A survey conducted in April by the British Association for Sexual Health and HIV (BASHH) found that in-person services for patients have shrunk dramatically since the COVID-19 pandemic hit in mid-March. Fifty four percent of local clinics have closed altogether, and many of those that remain open are operating with less than half the staff. As a result, BASHH found that 86% of clinics could not offer contraceptive choices such as the coil or implant.
Whether people who cannot access long-acting reversible methods of contraception will turn instead to condoms is debatable, though. With visits to the pharmacy or supermarket far more stressful than usual, it would be easy to put off buying condoms. If the idea of doing without contraception altogether sounds strange, consider this: 60% of women aged between 15 and 44 in the U.S. have relied on withdrawal at some point in their lives. In a recent interview, Dr Anita Mitra, a British gynecologist and author of The Gynae Geek said she’d noticed a big decrease in use of both hormonal contraception and condoms. While official figures from the WHO say 8% of couples prefer to use withdrawal over any other method, she believes the real number to be much higher. “I see a huge number of young women who tell me that they use withdrawal at least occasionally, or as their sole method for preventing pregnancy,” she said.
A global pandemic might seem like a strange time to try the famously unreliable “pull-out” method but if there’s one thing that has characterised this period it’s our sudden and necessary familiarity with everyday risk-assessment. In these circumstances it’s possible a trip to the pharmacy or doctor’s office could seem like the greater risk to take.
Either way it seems safe to conclude that our demand for condoms has diminished in quarantine—at least in Europe and the U.S. But, as Chris Purdy, CEO of family planning and HIV/AIDS prevention charity DKT International, said in April, it isn’t just the manufacture of condoms that’s been affected by the pandemic. Everything from problems sourcing the requisite components to freight, shipping, quarantine requirements and increased oversight on imports has led to delays. In many countries this could lead to shortages even when product availability is high.
Ultimately, though, condoms are only part of this picture. Even if we don’t run out, the myriad knock-on effects the coronavirus pandemic has on sexual health and family planning services around the world will be felt for a long time.
This May is #masturbationmonth – and these imaginative masturbating ideas will level up your self-loving techniques
There is no shame is self-pleasure. In fact, more and more women are recognising masturbating as a form of sexual self-care (read: wellness). Because the fact is, when you reach climax, your body really does release chemicals which encourage mental wellbeing, something we need more than ever right now. This month is known as Masturbation May, a national celebration of self-love. With all of us having more time on our hands, we asked journalist and sex educator Alix Fox (her portfolio includes being a script consultant for hit Netflix series Sex Education and resident X-rated Agony Aunt for Channel 4’s The Sex Clinic) for her expert, imaginative ideas on how to level up your masturbating techniques, and lead your own personal re-vulva-lution this #MasturbationMay.
Right, it’s time to go and practice some sexual wellness during lockdown.
Massage your hands before your glands
Giving yourself a hand massage – there are great tutorials on YouTube – is a fantastic way to wind down as part of a self-care routine…and helps distribute silky, softening, sensual oil over your mitts before you caress your bits. It’s especially enjoyable if you’ve been typing all day. WooWoo Bliss Arousal Oil does excellent double duty, containing CBD and aloe vera, as well as geranium extracts for a heavenly scent.
Learn the subtle art of ‘self sensate focus’
Becoming more aware of tiny, everyday scrumptious sensations can help you ‘tune into’ your body, heightening your ability to feel thrills, and giving you clues as to new kinds of touches or erogenous zones that you could harness for sexual satisfaction. For instance, when you’re in the shower, move your attention slowly from your head to your toes, noticing how the water feels in each place. As you apply lotion, see how it feels to flutter your fingers on your thighs, or grip your own wrists.
When you notice something that feels luscious, like a beautiful smell, a cool breeze, or the sounds of nature, take an extra moment to savour it. It sounds deceptively simple, but the more you get used to honing in on small, delightful sensations, the easier it is to practise in an erotic context.
Get lippy
Partnered sex often starts with kissing, yet in solo sex the lips are frequently neglected. Apply a little balm, and try stroking and pressing your lips with a fingertip as a form of “for-me foreplay” – some women find this really turns them on. Sucking and licking your fingers or toys during masturbation can be highly erotic too, and connects you with your own intimate scent and taste.
Enjoy a little pain (au chocolat)
A degree of controlled, consensual pain is deliciously pleasurable for many people, as it triggers the body to release endorphins which can give a blissed-out, floaty feeling…but it doesn’t occur to a lot of us to experiment with BDSM without a partner. Explore how it feels to pinch your nipples or slap your bum cheeks with a paddle or crop as you masturbate.
Invest in some coloured wax play candles and drip hot drops artfully on your skin, painting patterns as you savour the sizzle, then taking artful x-rated self-portraits afterwards: I’m a big believer in the body-acceptance and esteem-raising power of taking sexy photos for no-one but yourself.
Combine ‘oh la la’ with ‘ha ha’
Good times come in many forms, and masturbation doesn’t always have to be slinky and sultry, or a hallowed spiritual experience. One of the loveliest things about solo sex is that it’s entirely on your terms. Try getting comfy in bed or on a ‘pleasure picnic’ blanket spread on the floor; have your favourite snacks, drinks and toys set out; and play a comedy series on your TV or laptop while you have a leisurely play with yourself.
The world’s largest global survey of masturbation habits, carried out by toy company Tenga, found that 90 per cent of Brits state that self-touch positively boosts their mood and sense of wellbeing; add the old adage that ‘laughter is the best medicine’, and lazy night of climaxing and cackling at Park & Rec could be just what the doctor ordered if you’re feeling low.
Add the latest power tools to your ‘downstairs DIY’ kit
Innovative new sex toy designs mean there’s no need to ration yourself solely to vibration. The Zumio X looks like nothing you’ve seen before – kinda like a water flosser for vagina dentata – but instead of buzzing, its pinpoint tip moves in miniscule circles, delivering sensation that’s intense, precise, yet oh so quiet it should be sponsored by Bjork. Then there’s the Womanizer Premium – this time looking like an ear thermometer – which uses pulses of air to caress the clitoris and quickly coax out an orgasm like some kind of coochie conjuror (a vagician?!). The Smart Silence feature means it automatically turns off when you take it away from your body, so you’re not frantically jabbing at buttons trying to shut it down before throwing it out the window in a panic if you’re accidentally interrupted by kids or flatmates.
Use the fabric of your imagination
For a new take on breast stimulation, wear a top woven from a sensual material – think a loose silky-satin vest, or a super-soft fluffy jumper, without a bra – and use the fabric to tease yourself instead of touching your chest directly. Gradually, languidly draw the garment up and down the side curves of each breast; graze it over the nipples; and use it to cup and slide against the undersides scintillatingly slowly. Need to stay silent? Slip your knickers off and stuff them in your mouth as a gag, or hoist up the folds of your T-shirt or even a long skirt using your teeth, preferably in front of a mirror so you can see how hot you look. Filth.
Having sex with an ex can seem like a huge decision or just another weekend, depending on your situation. While well-meaning friends might urge you to never sleep with an ex, one 2018 study in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior suggests that it doesn’t actually hinder your ability to move on (though very little research has been done on the topic otherwise).
Regardless of how it might go, you’re not alone if you’re considering a tempting offer right now. Out of 1,000 adults, 44% admitted they’d slept with an ex, per a 2015 survey by the sex toy company Adam & Eve.
“In an honest scenario with clear boundaries and communication, sex with an ex can be safe, satisfying, and may provide some closure,” says Marcela Coto, a sexuality coach and founder of Los Angeles Sex Therapy Centers. That said, there are still risks to consider before you go for it. Even if you both have the best intentions, having sex could open up old wounds or surprise you when you feel more attached to them than you thought you would, especially if you cuddle up together afterward (you can blame the hormone oxytocin for that).
So, should you take the plunge? Read on for five common reasons people go back to their ex and what could happen after a hookup, with insight from relationship psychologists and real women who did it.
1. The sex was awesome.
“If you’re missing the best sex you ever had, that can be difficult to give up, and you don’t need to have common interests or goals in life for a hookup to be pleasurable,” says Teresa Johnson, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist based in Portsmouth, NH.
Before you dive in, though, ask yourself: Would you and your ex be satisfied with no-strings-attached-sex at this point, or would one of you have to compromise too much to give the other person what they want? Are the reasons for your breakup going to bubble up again, or are you down to get together as consenting adults without digging up old conflicts?
The bad side of great sex with an ex is that it may be easier to get sucked back into a relationship that isn’t healthy, won’t work, or both, says Rachel Needle, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist in West Palm Beach, FL and co-director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, a continuing education company that trains sex therapists around the world. In this case, remember: You will find great sex again—and in the meantime, there are always sex toys.
“My ex and I always had amazing chemistry, even after we were divorced. When we started having sex again, I thought maybe this meant we would get back together. I even told him that I was falling in love with him all over again. For a while, he did all of the ‘good things’ he did when we were married. Eventually, though, he went back to his old ways, and I realized there was no going back. Recently, I finally started saying ‘no’ to sex with him.” —Cornelia G., 57
2. You’re drunk and looking for a hookup.
That’s a no-no, relationship experts agree. “Adding drugs or alcohol into the mix will likely only make things messier. It may impair your judgment or make a much-needed quick exit that much harder,” says Coto.
If you tend to reach out to your ex when you’ve had a little too much to drink, check in with a trusted friend. They can remind you to keep your distance until you’re clear-headed again or help you come up with a smart exit strategy if you go for it and then decide you want out, advises Johnson.
“My high school boyfriend and I dated for a year and a half. After we broke up, we ended up going to the same college and becoming friends. I got drunk one night and hooked up with him. It was awful! I woke up to him gone and never saw him again. My takeaway: Don’t drink or sleep with an ex.” —Lindsay M., 25
3. Your ex is familiar, and you’re in need of some comfort.
In uncertain times, it makes sense that you might reach out to an ex if you’re feeling lonely, says Johnson. If you’re still emotionally attached to them and tired of the whole process of looking for someone new, your ex could serve as a welcome dose of familiarity and a break from dating app frustrations.
Keep in mind, though, if sex with your ex means more than “just sex with an ex” on an emotional level, you may be setting yourself up to feel worse when it’s over, warns Jared Grant, Psy.D., an L.A.-based licensed psychologist. Think of your ex like an old smoking habit: You quit, have one cigarette in a weak moment, and then have to quit all over again—and it may be even harder now, he says.
“My high school boyfriend and first love called me up one night to tell me he and his wife had split up and he’d been thinking about me. I’d just ended a long-term relationship, and I was tired of bad first and second dates. My ex and I first learned to have sex with each other so we knew everything we liked and didn’t. It was easy to jump straight back into that. Over the next month or so, we hooked up a few times. I knew it wouldn’t last, but I wanted it to. Then one night, he never showed and I never heard from him again. When it was over again, I felt weirdly glad to have had those moments again, but equally sad to have lost him all over again, too.”
—Katie B., age 30
4. You want to feel in control.
If you find yourself trying to reel your ex back in to prove you’re “still what they want” or to “show them what they’re missing,” you might want to stop right now. “I would not recommend sleeping with an ex to feel desirable or regain control because doing so is allowing the situation and your ex to define your self-worth,” says Coto.
When you’ve been in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, it’s easy to get stuck in a pattern of going back to your ex, especially if your sense of self-worth has been broken down by them, says Grant. However, you’re better off talking it out with a nonjudgmental mental health professional rather than putting yourself back in a potentially harmful situation, he says.
“When I slept with my ex-husband, I did it because I wanted to feel in control and show him what he was missing. I knew he missed me and I missed him, but I also knew that his behavior was unacceptable. During our marriage, we’d had physical fights and he’d seriously hurt me. The last time we had sex, when I left his house, I felt empty and disappointed in myself. Was I so desperate for love that I’d keep going back to him? No. I had to recognize my self-worth, respect myself, and work on healing. I cut off contact from then on.” —Delores J., 49
5. You miss your ex.
Hung up on a former lover? Having sex again after you’ve taken off your rose-colored glasses could confirm that breaking up was the right decision and give you a helpful sense of closure, says Grant. On the other hand, in some cases, sex could bring you back together.
Either way, to avoid heartbreak, have a genuine conversation with your ex about what you both want from the experience and make sure you’re going in with the same expectations. If there’s even a little piece of you that’s hoping something will be reignited (and your ex may not feel the same way), then you probably shouldn’t have sex. Instead, remind yourself of why you broke up in the first place, advises Needle.
“I’d been seeing a guy named Phil for a few months when he told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship. Disappointed and looking for a distraction, I reconnected with an old crush named Jacob. It felt good to be wanted by someone else, but I couldn’t stop thinking about a text Phil had sent me: ‘I know we haven’t seen each other in a while, but if you’re still open to it, there is a rooftop and a bottle of wine with your name on it. I’d really like a chance to talk.’ With Jacob drifting to sleep beside me, I replied, ‘I miss you.’ I knew opening up to an ex went against all the advice I’d ever heard, but I trusted what I felt. The next week, I met Phil for a long conversation that started with, ‘I’m sorry.’ Phil and I have been deeply intertwined and happy ever since. Honestly, I can’t imagine what my life would look like had I followed any other voice than my own. We have been together for nearly four years and were engaged last summer.”
—Kristin S., 29
“After I got out of a toxic relationship, I ended up sleeping with my first love again. I thought that maybe we’d been together at the wrong time. Reconnecting with him was revitalizing and freeing. I also realized I wasn’t in love with him like I thought I was going to be. We just felt like humans connecting. Ultimately, the experience helped me realize that chapter of my life was over. I still liked my ex, but not romantically. Ever since, we’ve been great friends.”
—Gabby M., 30
Bottom line: No matter the scenario, it helps to know what you want before you decide to sleep with an ex.
If necessary, communicate these feelings clearly with your potential sex partner. There’s nothing wrong with having sex with an ex to satisfy your sexual needs, emotional needs, or both, but you don’t want to go into the situation blindly and end up confused or hurt, says Grant. And, if you do hook up, make sure to practice safe sex since you’re both open to other partners now, says Coto.
Even as BDSM comes to popular light via media portrayals and increased openness about intimate habits and preferences, much about the sexual practice remains misunderstood and incorrectly presumed to be negative and abusive—especially in those media portrayals. This is perhaps most recently depicted in that degrading scene in Hulu’s Normal People, when protagonist Marianne asks her sexual partner—who had bound her wrists and was taking naked photos of her—to stop, and he refuses, reminding her “you asked for this.”
Despite vignettes like those that mischaracterize the intended nature of the sexual act practiced by a dedicated community, fact remains that BDSM can absolutely be a satisfying, safe, consensual, and healthy component of a fulfilling sex life. But if you’re curious about learning more about what it actually entail and perhaps experimenting with it yourself, knowing where to start can be daunting. To break down BDSM for beginners, Jess O’Reilly, PhD, sexologist and host of the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast, says the basic definitions are most important to learn first. And we’re talking absolute basics, beginning with what it actually means.
“While BDSM encompasses a wide range of sexual activities, practitioners tend to play complementary roles that involve some degree of power differentials,” says Dr. O’Reilly, referencing roles of “dominant” and “submissive.” “Activities are underscored by the consent of all parties involved, and BDSM can be a part of healthy, normal, and safe sex play.”
To help you learn the ropes of the sexual practice before you break out the literal ropes, Dr. O’Reilly shares her four components of the BDSM for beginners below. Whether you’re curious to give it a try yourself or simply want to know more, you’re going to want to take notes.
BDSM for beginners: 4 basics ground rules everyone should know.
1. Know what BDSM stands for
BDSM describes sexual play that involves some exchange of power or pain, with different people involved subscribing to different roles and dynamics within the scope of the session. Broken into its singular letters, BDSM stands for individualized terms: “bondage,” “dominance” or “discipline,” “sadism” or “submission,” and “masochism.” Sometimes the terms are grouped together in pairs, with BD referring to bondage and discipline, DS standing for dominance and submission, and SM referring to sadomasochism.
2. Know the meaning of R.A.C.K.
R.A.C.K. stands for risk-aware, consensual kink. This basic phrase outlines two of the essential components of kink while still recognizing that there is some risk inherent to all sex play. For instance, if you’re interested in trying wax play with your partner, you don’t want to just take a jar candle named Lilac Breeze, light it, and go to town. Rather, you want to get consent for the activity, outlining together how to execute it as safely as possible, and noting the risks involved that you are both fully aware of. Because even unintentionally giving your partner a third-degree burn or ripping off chunks of their body hair will almost certainly take you both out of the experience.
“For kinky sex to be considered risk-aware, all parties involved must understand and acknowledge the potential negative outcomes of the proposed activity.” —sexologist Jess O’Reilly, PhD
“For kinky sex to be considered risk-aware, all parties involved must understand and acknowledge the potential negative outcomes of the proposed activity,” says Dr. O’Reilly. “These risks should be discussed ahead of time—not in the heat of the moment when sexual tension is already building. It is important to address the measures you plan to take to minimize risk when your mind is clear and your judgment isn’t clouded by desire or other distractions.”
3. Consent in BDSM is paramount
Before engaging in sexual activity of any kind, you always, always need consent. “To be considered consensual, all parties involved must be capable of expressing their explicit and informed consent,” says Dr. O’Reilly. “The absence of protestation does not amount to consent, and the clearest way to secure consent is to ask. Similarly, the most straightforward way to provide consent is to offer an enthusiastic and genuine ‘Yes!’”
Dr. O’Reilly adds that an important component of BDSM beginners should know is that consent is the cornerstone of all kinky activities, and it needs to be granted before and throughout every individual session. “Do not assume that because a lover wanted to be tied up and rough-handled last Saturday night, that they also want to be bound and spanked next Thursday morning,” says Dr. O’Reilly. “You always have the right to withdraw your consent at any time without explanation, regardless of what you may have agreed upon in the past.” This is precisely what Normal People got wrong about BDSM in the case of Marianne’s incorrectly assumed consent.
4. It’s important to check in on safety
Even if elements of distress are an intentional component of a consensual BDSM scenario, you absolutely want to check the emotional and physical safety of your partner(s) and yourself throughout the experience, continually confirming comfort on both fronts. An “are you okay?” can suffice, but you can also establish a safety word or non-verbal cue to communicate your status.
“For instance, two light taps can reassure your lover that you’re feeling good,” Dr. O’Reilly. “You’ll also want to check in to establish that your partner’s physical safety is secured. If you’ve tied them up, you should check the skin under the bondage equipment to ensure that their circulation isn’t obstructed. If you’ve been spanking them, you’ll want to check in and make sure that the pressure isn’t too much for them to handle.”
And, remember, no matter whether you intend to put these basic foundational guidelines about BDSM for beginners into any kind of action or not, simply knowing about them is key for destigmatizing the sexual practice for those who do. And that alone is helpful in perpetuating a more inclusive understanding about pleasure and how we each experience it.
Can’t stop fighting with your partner about whose turn it is to do the dishes? Looking at China’s uptick in divorces that followed their coronavirus-related lockdown and wondering if a similar trend in the United States might follow?
Well, here’s encouraging news for America’s sweethearts. A recent Monmouth University poll found that most people in relationships are satisfied with them, despite the expected stresses that might come from, say, working from home together, losing a job, managing kids at home or preventing your family from getting the virus.
“Relationships aren’t perfect — there are always some underlying issues,” said Gary Lewandowski, a psychology professor at Monmouth University who helped craft the survey questions. “But on average, the relationships we’re in are pretty good.”Here are five takeaways from the survey, which was conducted April 30 to May 4, among a sample of 556 American adults in relationships.
1. About three-quarters of Americans with a romantic partner say their relationship has not fundamentally changed since the coronavirus outbreak.
When asked if their relationship had gotten better or worse since the pandemic began, 74 percent said it was about the same. Ten percent said it was a lot better and 7 percent said it was a little better. Only 4 percent said a little worse and 1 percent said a lot worse.
Weathering a pandemic adds stress, but Lewandwoski noted that when we’re stressed, “we turn to our partners,” who are generally ready, willing and able to be our support during difficult times. “A lot of people want more closeness in their relationship,” Lewandwoski added, highlighting a finding in earlier research. “Those people are getting what they wished for.”
2. Argument frequency and sex lives have changed for the better, but only slightly.
Less than 2 in 10 of those in relationships said they get into fewer arguments with their partner, while 1 in 10 said they get into more of them — and 7 in 10 said there has been no difference. And despite chatter that isolation leads to more opportunities for intimacy, only 9 percent said their sex life has improved. Still, even fewer — 5 percent — said it’s gotten worse, with 77 percent saying it is about the same.
3. About half expect their relationship will emerge stronger — and hardly any think it’ll be worse.
When looking toward the future, partnered Americans were even more enthusiastic about the strength of their relationships. A 51 percent majority said their relationships will get stronger by the time the outbreak is over and just 1 percent said their relationship will be worse. Another 46 percent said their relationship will not have changed at all.
Lewandowski noted it’s possible poll respondents were being hopelessly optimistic, but he emphasized that if a relationship has at least one partner who’s an optimist, the couple generally has higher relationship satisfaction. “Optimists handle life’s rough patches better, which is certainly helpful given the current situation,” Lewandowski said in a release announcing the poll results.
4. Married partners are more likely than unmarried ones to say their relationship has not changed.
About three-quarters of married couples said their relationship has not changed for better or worse since the coronavirus outbreak began, while just under two-thirds of unmarried couples said the same.
Among unmarried partners, 22 percent said their relationship has helped decrease their daily stress level, compared with 12 percent of married couples. Similar shares of each said they have increased levels of stress.
Lewandowski posited that the pandemic hasn’t changed married couples’ relationships drastically because they’re likely to have dealt with trying times — such as a job loss, severe illness or death of a loved one — before this moment. “They’ve traveled a lot of these paths before,” Lewandwoski said, “and have endured other stressors in their lives or relationships and have more refined strategies with how to cope with problems and stress.”
Younger people in relationships, those 18 to 34 years old, were more likely than older people to say the pandemic has affected their relationship. (Couples in that age group are more likely to be unmarried than those who are older.)
5. Most say their relationship isn’t adding to pandemic stress — but women are a little more affected than men.
A 59 percent majority said their relationship has had no impact on their daily stress level. But 29 percent of women said their relationship has added to their daily stress, while 23 percent of men said the same. The key factor for doing well during the pandemic, Lewandwoski said, is the strength of the relationship before the pandemic. “The couples who are already doing well are doing even better now,” he said.
“Overall, these results suggest that the global pandemic may not be as bad for relationships as many have feared,” Lewandowski said in the poll’s release. “Our relationships may become stronger and even more important than they already were.”
The taboo of bearing the humiliation that comes with being a “cuck” can actually be very pleasurable.
Confessions is a series of essays on personal experiences, many of which have been kept secret for a long time. By sharing these previously confidential accounts, we explore our own mental health without judgment and in the hope that it makes it a little lighter of a burden for us to carry. It’s also a reminder that no matter how odd or unique these experiences can be, there’s always someone who can relate – and none of us are alone.
I don’t know how and when I developed a cuckold fetish. It’s one of those taboo fetishes that people don’t talk about. In this situation, a man takes pleasure in watching his partner having sex with someone else, where he is only allowed to watch unless asked/commanded to participate by his “superiors”.
Maybe it was in late 2018, when my first threesome with this guy I had just started dating turned into a weird power struggle, when the guy I was “sharing” him with pulled him away from me to devour him all by himself, and for the first time in the longest time, I felt my boner die. It was as if I lost some battle with my sexuality that day. It took a while to get back to feeling normal again and once the guy left, I could proceed with my main squeeze at full mast. That feeling haunted me for a while, but I found myself yearning for that feeling again.
Maybe it was in early 2019, when the guy spoken of above turned into my full-fledged partner and we were experimenting with monogamy. We lay in bed and I wondered if now was the right time to talk to him about not being stuck in a monogamous setting. I also wondered how a third guy with us in bed finishing up the job for me would look like. I asked him if he was willing to open up the relationship. It wasn’t unheard of in the community and if RuPaul could be in one, then why not lowly mortals like us? It took him a while before he could come around to understanding it. Sexual and spiritual entanglements are entirely different. Or perhaps it was a good way to convince ourselves that this was going to be a new normal in a world where ten apps are filled with a hundred guys that are willing to come over if you have “place”.
Maybe it was later in 2019, when after experimenting and finding comfort in our new arrangement, we decided that it was the right time to welcome a guy into our abode for a three-way that could possibly be my redemption from the last time. We picked someone we both knew and had met before on separate occasions. So there was no awkwardness for any parties involved. And without any foreboding, we jumped right into it. It became a beautiful synchronous melody, where nobody felt left out and everyone desired the other. It feels weird writing these things down because I know how the Indian society perceives it, but that’s the reality of it. Sometimes it feels amazing to share your love with someone outside your relationship. The outpour of sensuous energy that afternoon in our apartment was unparalleled.
Maybe it was in early 2020, right before the lockdown put a temporary ban on all sexual fetishes, where we had a newfound respect for each other in our relationship and our wonderful third wheel (or a ‘bull’ as one may call them) was around whenever we beckoned him. By now, we had found a certain ease with our bodies and we didn’t shy away from telling each other about our other sexcapades. But the ones with our bull were the best because they seemed so non-fussy. During one of these encounters, I found myself trying to not be the alpha for a change, and let him have the proverbial reigns if you may. I just took a step back and watched what was unfolding in front of me.
A major part of being the cuck is also being teased. And my partner and the bull jumped right into their roles—tempting me, mocking me, arousing me with every taunt. But I could do nothing. I was just to bear the humiliation that came with being a cuck, and I felt most of my sexual insecurities waft away. If being inadequate is sexy for a change, then so be it. For once, it wasn’t just another ordinary threesome. It was operatic. Hey, Shakespeare did enjoy using the word ‘cuckold’ a lot. In our own script, there was no jealousy, there was no malice—there was just acceptance in all our parts of the roles we had chosen.
Just like God when he created the universe, we knew we were pleased.
Back in my day as a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed freshman, one fateful night the Universe (and a generous helping of Kirkland Vodka) guided my friends and I to a party on DP which we were assured would “pop off” any minute. We awkwardly stood in a circle, red Solo cups in hand, swaying to “Sicko Mode,” when we noticed a stray bro wandering toward us.
To set the stage, he was five Natty Lites in, and he’d adopted a Scottish accent while wearing a Texas University shirt and American flag shorts (a multicultural icon). After staring at me for a solid minute, off-brand Shrek asked me a question: “Are ye gay mate??”
I laughed it off and said yes, thinking that was that, but no, discount Braveheart wanted me to give him a deep dive into the gay lifestyle, the likes of which I hadn’t seen since my high school musical theater days.
“Are you a top or a bottom? Like, if you’re with another dude are you more like the girl or the guy?” he asked.
This may sound outlandish and I’ll admit I haven’t run into any drunk wannabe Scotsmen before or since, but the “top or bottom/girl or guy” question is one queer people hear quite often. Most queer people (myself included) find this question insulting because when straight people ask it, they’re asking you to validate yourself by mimicking straight romance and sexuality.
I’ll admit that for some, it can be comforting and familiar to understand yourself in terms of an unambiguous masculine/feminine framework, but the beauty of queerness is in its ambiguity. It offers the freedom to explore gender and sexuality without imitating straightness, because by definition queerness is a rejection of straight traditions.
This is to say that queerness is not an oddball parody of heterosexuality, but its own set of gender and sexual identities, making it impossible to “straighten out” in order to emulate heterosexuality.
It’s worth noting that this mindset is not exclusive to straight people; many queer people impose these dynamics on themselves because of pressure to perform gender, sexuality, and romance in palatable, familiar ways.
Many modern depictions of sex and romance are told from straight perspectives, which can cause queer people to internalize implicit messages that the only romantic and sexual experiences worth having must include a sharp masculine and feminine contrast. While there’s nothing wrong with enjoying masculine and feminine dynamics in your relationships, it’s important to remember that there are other — equally fulfilling — ways to enjoy sex and romance.
Feminine people often have feminine partners, masculine people have masculine partners, genderfluid people have genderfluid partners, and so on and so forth. These relationships are just as fulfilling as the more traditional masculine/feminine paradigm, and allowing yourself to choose which dynamic works for you rather than blindly following “normal” gender dynamics will likely make your relationships more authentic and enjoyable.
On the surface, most queer people hate the “top or bottom” question because it’s rude and creepy for someone to ask intimate questions about your sexual preferences out of the blue.
But on a deeper level, this question is insulting because using someone’s gender expression to determine their sexual role (or vice versa) is laughable. There are feminine tops, masculine bottoms, and everything in between. This can even go beyond queer relationships, as it would be laughable to assume that all straight couples act the exact same way in bed together based solely on their gender.
The main issue with all this is that romance and sexuality — whether queer or straight — is not a black-and-white Etch A Sketch. It’s a messy, multi-colored Picasso painting; you can try to make logical sense of it but it’s best to appreciate it for its disjointed, avant-garde beauty.
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