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A Spring Equinox Q&A Show — Podcast #325 — 03/19/12

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Hey sex fans,

Hey everybody, Happy Vernal Equinox! Here we are on the cusp of spring, at lease here in the northern hemisphere, but the Emerald City is still locked in winter’s chilly grip. Hey, who’s in charge of this weather pattern anyway?

Despite the cold temperatures and blowing rain I have a bunch of very interesting questions from the sexually worrisome, which will dazzle and warm us till dryer, sunnier weather arrives.

  • Robert claims his GF doesn’t like sex. I think that’s because she’s never had good sex.
  • Ivy was molested at age 12. Now she finds it hard to enjoy sex with her BF.
  • Liam wants to last longer.
  • Dave reports that his fantasies include his father.

Today’s podcast is bought to you by: Dr Dick’s Sex Advice and Dr Dick’s Sex Toy Review.

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously, or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

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A Spring Tulip

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Hey sex fans!

Welcome to our latest edition of Product Review Friday. Today we feature the first of three products that come to us from an Israeli company, Joya. Their website says: “Joya specializes in high end, innovative pleasure toys and accessories. Our range of silicone vibrators, silicone dildos, accessories and books are made for women, men and couples who wish to take their pleasure to the next level.”

Well let’s put that to the test, shall we? On board today is Dr Dick Review Crew member, the irrepressible, Christa. And as always she has lots to say.

Little Su Tulip —— $69.76

Christa
Damn! It’s been nearly a year since I last had a new product to review. I was out of the country for most of that time, so that pretty much explains my absence from the Review Crew. It’s so good to be back in the good old US of A where sex toys are readily available. I used to take my access to adult products for granted; I don’t any more. There are lots of places in the world where sex toys are forbidden. Hey, maybe that’s why there’s so many conflicts in the world. I say, more vibrators and fewer machine guns!

So what we have here is a very sweet, yet powerful vibe. The Little Su Tulip is made from 100% medical grade silicone. It has 2 separate motors one in the shaft for G-spot stimulation, the other in the outstretched petal that extends from the shaft for clitoral stimulation.

It is approximately 5.7” long. The outstretched petal is about 2.5” long. The diameter is a modest 1.5”. The texture on the shaft resembles concentric layers of petals of a tulip. It looks like the Little Su Tulip comes in three colors; I’ve seen a black one and a red one online. I have a purple one.

There are three speeds on the Little Su Tulip. And it runs on 2 AAA batteries. Joya doesn’t include the first set of batteries in the package, so you’ll need to have these batteries on hand if you expect to ride the Little Su Tulip just as soon as you get home.

The Little Su Tulip is very versatile; you can use it internally or externally. You can use it in and on your pussy or in and on your butthole. When I saw that the Little Su Tulip was made of 100% medical grade silicone I thought for certain that I’d be able to share this little beauty with my sub, butt-boy BF, Alex. He and his hungry ass always imagine that I’ll want to share my toys. And if the toys are sanatizable, I’m always happy to do so. Sadly, the Little Su Tulip isn’t waterproof, so boiling it is out of the question. I suppose I could just wipe it down with a 10% bleach solution, but I have a rule. If I can’t boil it, I won’t share it. This is the only disappointing thing about the Little Su Tulip. I know that with just a little more effort this vibe could have been made waterproof. So WTF, Joya?

The box that the Little Su Tulip comes in is made of 100% recyclable materials, which is very eco friendly. It’s perfect storing the vibe. There’s also a booklet with tips for use and care.

Inserting the batteries is a little weird. Instead of unscrewing the bottom, as one would expect, you squeeze the sides of the shaft at the outstretched petal and the bottom pops loose. To replace, just line up the plastic arms with the slots and press gently. Again, had the Little Su Tulip had a more conventional battery compartment that could be tightened shut, it would have been waterproof.

Because the Little Su Tulip is made of 100% silicone, you can only use a water-based lubricant with it.

To cycle through the different vibration strengths, you press the button on the bottom until you reach the one you want. To turn it off, you press the bottom button one more time after the highest setting. So in other words, you have to cycle through the three speeds to get to the off position.

The outstretched petal of the Little Su Tulip reaches my clit with ease. Because there is an independent motor inside it, it flutters against my clit while the shaft, with it’s motor stimulates my G-spot. I love the dual stimulation. Alex is super disappointed that he won’t get to use this in his ass. He thinks the dual motors would provide amazing prostate stimulation and the outstretched petal would pleasure his taint (perineum).
Full Review HERE!

ENJOY

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Libido Disparity, A Common Problem

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Name: Chris
Gender: male
Age: 29
Location:
I’m 29 and I’ve been married for the last 3 years. I was seeing my wife for 5 years prior to being married so I guess it’s been a total of 8 years that we’ve been together. When we first got together everything was great the sex was outstanding ya know 69 all types of positions tons of oral, tons of foreplay and she had an orgasm every time. It seems that just in the last couple of years everything has dwindled away to the point where it’s her on top for a little bit, me on top for a little bit till I finish then we go back to the living room and hang out. Whenever I bring up the subject she gets very uncomfortable and won’t talk about it. And it’s really starting to freak me out in every aspect of our relationship. I love the girl, so I don’t want to go anywhere. I’m wondering if there’s any hope to get things back to the way they used to be that fresh hotness and spontaneity. How can I bring the heat back?

Like I always say, If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard this same complaint from a frustrated and desperate man or woman trapped in an undersexed marriage, I’d have enough money to lay down my keyboard, give up my status as the most fabulous and revered sexpert in the universe and retire to Maui.

Despite the frequency of the grievance, it still breaks my heart to hear the despair. I mean it’s one thing to have the sexual connection between partners drift away by mutual consent. It’s another thing all together to have one partner dissolve the sexual connection unilaterally while leaving the other partner bewildered and disoriented.

And what gives with a partner who refuses to talk about why the sex has taken a nosedive? That is so wrong. I can understand not knowing exactly what to say about things goin’ south, or even how to say what may be on your mind, but to clam up all together, that’s just unfair. Suppose the problem had to do with finances instead of sex. What if one of you decided to start splurging on major purchases without consulting the other? There’d be hell to pay then, huh? There’d be no duckin’ out of the responsibility by clamin’ up in this instance, I’ll bet. But when it comes to sex, somehow the same rules for accountability don’t always apply. Why is that?

Sexuality is both a personal expression and a means of bonding with another. Thus sexual wellbeing in a relationship is way more than just the old in and out. It means taking responsibility for one’s eroticism as an integral part of relationship. Sex is a way of expressing one’s self as well as our love for the other. The confusion, unhappiness and anxiety that results from the breakdown of this fundamental tenet will, as you suggest Chris, spill over into and contaminate other areas of the relationship. But it doesn’t need to happen.

When I encounter this predicament in my counseling practice, I always build in some individual time with each partner even though the couple is there for “couples counseling.” I often get a much better sense of what’s causing the breakdown in these private sessions than I do when the couple and I work together as a threesome. Sometimes it’s easier for the individual to talk to me privately than to be open, honest and forthcoming about his/her feelings with his/her partner sitting right there.

My experience tells me that more often than not, a refusal to discuss sexual concerns has more to do with not knowing how to express oneself without hurting the feelings of the other. Sometimes an individual simply doesn’t know herself why things are different than they once were. Sometimes there are lifestyle issues at play — family concerns, work concerns, lack of sleep, drugs and alcohol consumption, etc. Sometimes there are medical and psychological issues that impact on a person’s libido — weight gain, birth control, other pharmaceutical drugs, diabetes and depression to mention a few.

There’s also something we in the business call: “desire discrepancy disorder,” which is just a fancy-schmancy way of saying one partner has a stronger libido then the other. But often the simplest and most ordinary explanation is that the partnered sex has become stale, rote and boring.

Whatever the cause of the imbalance, it needs to be addressed as a couple. Once the couple has identified the problem the next step is learning how to talk about it in an effective yet non-threatening way. This can be tricky, to say the least. But it is still so much easier than trying to avoid the issue all together.

Ok, so your wife is reluctant to discuss the matter with you, Chris. That just means you’re gonna have to be proactive in bringing this issue to a head. And I’m not suggesting that you browbeat your wife about her unwillingness to talk about the issue. It’s gonna be all about you leading by example. Here’s what I suggest. Set up a time for you and your wife to have a sit-down. This needs to be scheduled in advance so that both of you know it’s coming. There ought be no surprises. This conference should not immediately follow sex, especially disappointing sex. Set aside at least 30 minutes when you guys are fresh and relaxed and then start preparing what you want to say. Take notes if necessary.

When the time comes for the sit down, I encourage you to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. Begin by laying out how you feel and owing your feelings. “I feel confused. I feel frustrated. I feel that our relationship is in jeopardy.” Stay away from statements like “you make me feel…blah, blah, blah. These kinds of pronouncements will only muddy the waters. Then I suggest that you invite your wife to do the same. If she can’t, or won’t, move on to what steps you will take to get to the bottom of this. Something like, “I don’t want to continue the status quo. I’ve decided that I am going to seek some professional help for this. Maybe there’s something I’m missing. I can’t get to the bottom of this on my own, so maybe a sex therapist will help me understand what’s going on.” Again, invite her to join you in this effort. If she refuses or stalls out, move on to closing the discussion. You might say something like, “thank you for hearing me out on this. I don’t mean to put you on the spot, but I think our relationship is worth the effort to preserve it. And I’m actually gonna do something to make sure that we stay together. My invitation to you to join me in this effort will remain open.” End of discussion!

Of course, if you take this route, you will have to follow through on your commitment. If you don’t you will sabotage the whole damn thing, which will only make matters considerably worse. I encourage you to find a sex-positive therapist to work with. A good resource for this is The American College of Sexologists. Visit the directory page on their website. You will find listings for certified sexologists and sex therapists all over the world. If there is no one near you, contact the person closest to you and ask for a referral. Often my fellow ACS therapists and sexologists are very well connected to the broader sex-positive communities in their area.

You may also wish to consult me, even if you’re not here in Seattle. Check out the Therapy Available link in the header of my site for all the information you’ll need to make an enlightened decision about working with me.

Whatever you do, don’t settle for the path of least resistance. Your leadership might be just the thing your wife is looking for to muster her own strength to face the facts. Either way, the problem you are facing will not go away simply by ignoring it. Disappointments will become resentments and resentments will inevitably lead to acting-out and that will surely fuck things up royally.

Good luck

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More of The Erotic Mind of Stan Keetley — Podcast #324 — 03/12/12

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Hey sex fans,

The brilliant erotic photographer with a pedigree, Stan Keetley, returns to The Erotic Mind series today. He and I had such a good time together last week that I simply had to have him come back for more this week. And we pick up where we left off last Monday.

But wait; you didn’t miss Part 1 of our conversation, did you? Well not to worry if you did, because you will find it and all of my shows in the podcast archive right here on my site. All ya gotta do is use the site’s search function in the header, type in podcast #323 and Voilà! But don’t forget to use the #sign when you do your search.

Stan and I discuss:

  • Where he finds his models;
  • Erotic art and porn;
  • The artistic value in the erotic and in porn;
  • Comparing the social mores of his dad’s age and his age;
  • The disappearing mystery and magic of the nude;
  • The feedback he gets from his fans;
  • Shooting on film and shooting digitally;
  • Strong confident and empowered women in their knickers;
  • What he looks for in the erotic art of others.

For more of Stan, be sure to visit his blog HERE! Look for his and his father’s work HERE! Look for him on Facebook HERE! And follow him on Twitter HERE!

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: DR DICK’S — HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY.

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Sex Ed NOW!

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Reproductive Health Education
Created by: PublicHealthDegree.com

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