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28 Realities of Long-Distance Dating

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long-distance-dating

In short, long distance sucks. It’s the suckiest of all possible sucks, and not always for the reasons you’d expect. You might think you’re going to miss your SO when you’re hanging out with your couple gang, or when you fancy a movie date, and you will, but it will be the moments of frustration — like when you’re trying to put the quilt cover back on — that you’ll find yourself in tears because you miss them so much.

My partner and I are on our second bout of LD. In a way it’s easier than the first time — I know the lonesome drill — and in other ways it’s harder — I thought I’d paid my dues! Here are 28 things you totally know to be true when your SO lives in another city.

  1. You know your best FaceTime angle and where in your house has the best lighting. Especially important if you’re going to be talking after you’ve washed your face.
  2. You spend even more time looking at your phone. Who even knew that was possible? You’ve also downloaded 15 new ways of communicating with each other: Words with Friends, WhatsApp, Viber, Facebook Messenger, Pair . . . and if you’re planning a wedding like us: Trello, Google Docs and Evernote.
  3. You feel like you’re in a relationship with your phone. It’s like he actually lives in your phone, because it’s the only place you see him. If you lose your phone, it’s like you’ve killed him.
  4. All your money goes to flights. And you’re booking the cheapest, nastiest airlines so you’re not even accumulating points.
  5. You have a similar dating life to that of the girls on The Bachelor. When the ladies were complaining that it was all or nothing with Richie you could totally relate. When you finally see your SO it’s all fancy dinners, romantic strolls and helicopter rides (OK, maybe not that bit) but then it’s back to the #nunlife.
  6. You can get a bit *cough* lazy with the personal grooming. Are legs really hairy if no one’s there to feel them?
  7. You have about five conversations that are just “checking in” and one during which you download all information and admin. Wake-up call, mid-morning coffee call, lunch call, 3 p.m. call, and the “I’m heading home” call put together don’t run longer than 2.5 minutes. 8 p.m. call goes for an hour.
  8. You enjoy the luxury of more space. In the wardrobe, in the bed, in the kitchen — who knew those stupid protein powders were preventing you from having a teacup collection?!
  9. You devour every girly series he vetoed. You’ve cried your way through the later seasons of Downton Abbey, got into Outlander, devoured every season of Ru Paul’s Drag Race, rewatched Sex and the City — your Netflix has never looked so pink.
  10. You jam-pack your social calendar just to stop yourself feeling lonely. Exhausted and broke is better than lonely, right?
  11. You’re really happy when he’s having a good time without you, but also a teeny bit jealous. Shake it off girl.
  12. Your single mates like you so much more. You can stay out all night because no one’s waiting for you to come home and you’re basically chaste — you’re the ultimate wing-woman.
  13. You go back to having hours-long convos with your girlfriends. You know the kind you had in high school when time seemed to drag on forever? The downside of this is that time seems to drag forever.
  14. You get really good at mingling. Flying solo at a party for the first time in forever will actually make you feel awesome. You’re still fun. People still like you, see? Something you’ll recount to your partner later with the phrase, “I was the life of the party.”
  15. You say “yes” to a lot more. See above. Why would you not go to that Aztec party of a Facebook you forgot you had? You’re the life of the party.
  16. You become more sure of yourself. Jokes aside, it’s a huge confidence boost knowing you don’t need your dude with you to have a good time. You’re together because you want to be, not because you need to be. *sings “Independent Woman”*
  17. Time differences become your enemy. People will think you’re being a pathetic but even half an hour is annoying.
  18. Podcasts are your friend. Because your transit time is at an all-time high.
  19. You count down days like a kid waiting for Christmas. You literally mark them off the calendar like you’re in a ’90s Disney movie. Where did you even find a calendar?
  20. You get butterflies in your stomach when you’re about to see him. You’d kind of forgotten what it was like to be so nervous and excited at the same time.
  21. You get to discover another city. You’re going there so much that you learn where all the good cafes and bars are, and become a bit of an expert.
  22. People totally get it when you say you can’t do something because your SO is in town. The most you’re going to hear out of anyone that weekend is a love-heart emoji on your Insta pic. They’re just happy you’re together!
  23. You experience the most severe Sunday blues known to man. Your time together is over and it’s as if a group of Dementors have arrived for a sleepover.
  24. You do a lot more communicating. It’s all you’ve got, babe!
  25. You become more thoughtful. Because you know that a little note in his suitcase will brighten his whole day.
  26. You begin to appreciate him a lot. When you’re in each other’s face it’s easy to start taking each other for granted, but with a little distance you see, he’s amazing.
  27. You learn a lot more about yourself. If for no other reason than you’re spending a lot more time solo, making all the decisions. And yes, you do think a bowl of steamed broccoli followed by a block of Lindt chocolate is an adequate dinner.
  28. Your relationship will be stronger than ever. This is how I see it: when you start doing LD your relationship is like Goku, going into the Gravity Chamber to begin his training. It’s tough and at times he wants to go back to how things were, but he carries on and eventually he becomes super saiyan (blonde) and basically invincible.
     
    If Dragon Ball Z references are wasted on you, I’m basically saying, if you can make it through long-distance, you can make it through anything.

Complete Article HERE!

13 Ways Non-Monogamy Has Made Me a Better Partner (and Person)

By Maya M

nonmonogamy

In our culture and many others, the typical relationship narrative goes like this: You date around a little, eventually finding one true soulmate—the one person you’ll grow old with, raise children with, and the one and only person you’ll have sex with.

But there are a lot of people who don’t subscribe to this narrative, myself included. The problem with the concept of “the one” is that it undermines each and every human’s capacity to love many different people in many different ways.

After I decided to try out non-monogamy with a former girlfriend, I realized how the standard concept of monogamy erases the complexities of sexuality, passion, and romance. Though I still loved her as deeply as ever after opening up the relationship, I also learned to love another person on a completely different level. With my girlfriend, the love was deep, full of history, and adventurous; with my second partner, the love was fiery and playful.

Non-monogamy gave me the opportunity to intimately learn about another person’s body and mind without restriction or fear, and ever since that relationship, I’ve practiced non-monogamy with all my partners. While it can look different for different people, in my case, I prefer having a primary partner—someone I can call my girlfriend, make a home with, and introduce to my friends and family. I’m also comfortable with us having other partners, whether they are sexual, romantic, or a combination, as long as there is open communication about all relationships. We make sure we’re on the same page about what is and isn’t OK.

What I’ve been most grateful for is how non-monogamy has made me a much better partner and person. Here’s what I mean.

1. I’m not as jealous.

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When someone hits on my girlfriend or when I see her express interest in someone else, I actually get excited for all the potential thrill and adventure that relationship could bring. This decrease in jealousy helps me fully enjoy my time with my partner and not question her use of time when we’re not together.

And when I do feel jealous, I handle it better than I used to. No relationship, whether monogamous, polyamorous, or non-monogamous, is totally exempt from jealousy. If you’re someone trying out an open or non-monogamous relationship for the first time, know that it’s totally normal and OK to get a little envious.

I like to sit down with my partner the moment I start feeling this way and ask some questions: Where is this coming from? Is it a little irrational? How can we work together to fix the problem now and avoid it in the future? By tackling these questions head-on, we avoid the nasty things that sometimes happen when people let jealousy fester.

2. I see partners as humans—not people I can control.

People in monogamous relationships often say things like “that’s my girl” or “you can’t talk to my man.” This reduces your partner to property, and though many people don’t mind this kind of language, I prefer to see, treat, and speak about my partner as her own person. When my partner is on a date with someone else, I am reminded that, though I love her, she’s not only mine to love.

3. I’ve completely stopped slut-shaming.

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As I’ve come to understand that my partner’s body does not belong to me, I’ve become opposed to policing others’ bodies. To me, bodies are about safety, health, and pleasure, and while I may feel bodily pleasure through exercise, sex, and deep-tissue massages, other people may feel that pleasure through different sensations and actions. Before I started practicing non-monogamy, I gave my friends who abstained from sex a hard time about their choices. But opening up that aspect of my romantic life has taught me all the nuanced ways people use (and don’t use!) their bodies, and I’m a better person for it.

4. I find joy in others’ happiness.

Compersion is a term used in non-monogamous and polyamorous communities to describe the romantic or sexual pleasure that comes with seeing your partner loved or aroused by someone else. The first time I experienced compersion was during a threesome with one of my former girlfriends. I enjoyed watching the third person kiss her because I knew she enjoyed the kiss.

Compersion can cause an immediate surge of endorphins and arousal in sexual situations, but I’ve learned to translate the feeling into non-romantic and non-sexual situations as well. By embracing other people’s joy, I’m able to feel genuine excitement for their accomplishments (instead of jealousy) and happiness for their successes (instead of bitterness).

5. My sex life is way richer because I’m more open-minded.

Many people think non-monogamous people only open up their relationships for sex. While this isn’t always true, the improvement in my sex life has been undeniable. I’ve learned so much more about different ways human bodies feel pleasure, and I’m generally willing to act on fresh ideas in bed.

6. I can connect with diverse groups of people.

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As a queer, non-monogamous woman of color, it’s sometimes hard to stumble upon communities who share all my identities and can intimately relate to my trials and triumphs. But when I do, the feeling is magical. Though I love my straight, white, monogamous friends, meeting a non-monogamous brown or queer girl like myself helps me expand my perspective on my own identities as well as empathize with (and learn from!) the perspectives of someone else in a position similar to mine.

7. I don’t take my relationship for granted.

In a monogamous relationship, when an S.O. is expected to spend all their romantic and sexual energy on you, things can sometimes get a little stale and monotonous. When I opened up my relationship, I treated all the time we spent together like a gift and not necessarily an expectation. Despite what people may think, we didn’t spend significantly less time together. But on the nights she would be on a date with another person, I would have time to reflect on how much I loved her (and missed her!), so I was better able to cherish the time we spent together.

8. I’m a lot better at talking about my relationship.

From improvement strategies to big next steps (like moving in together or adopting a puppy) to simple check-ins, non-monogamy has made me a better communicator in general. I’m able to apply the same open communication principles to serious relationship talks, positive or negative.

9. I’m not quick to judge others.

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It’s no secret that non-monogamy is unconventional and often frowned upon. As someone who takes pleasure in something society deems “unnatural” or “irregular,” I understand how important it is to approach any other lifestyles with an open and accepting mind (as long as those lifestyles don’t bring harm upon others).

10. I understand my own sexuality (and others’) better.

When I was 17, I came out as a lesbian and understood my sexuality to be strictly one that aggressively favored women. But as I opened up my relationships and started sleeping with men, I found that though I still prefered women over men in every way, there was definitely room for men (both cis and gender non-conforming) and people who don’t identify within the binary. I started identifying as queer and learned that my own sexuality can be very fluid. Understanding my own sexuality helps me talk to my partners about theirs and ultimately helps me create safe spaces for friends and family to discuss the issue with me as well.

11. I take better care of my physical and reproductive health.

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Having a variety of different partners means taking responsibility to ensure pleasant and safe experiences for everyone. I get tested for STIs more often and also make sure to tackle infections more quickly now that a variety of people may be exposed to them. Taking better care of my reproductive health contributes to better communication, since sharing sexual history with partners can be crucial in many non-monogamous relationships.

12. Saying “no”—without hurting someone’s feelings—has become much easier.

Since I go on a lot more dates, I’ve become much better at sensing when I’m not compatible with someone. Because of this, it’s easier for me to tell people that things won’t work out, which spares a lot of hurt feelings.

13. I’ve become more loving and open-minded overall.

As a final thought for anyone confused about non-monogamy or considering exploring it with a partner, I want to emphasize it is not just fueled by a desire to have sex with other people; in fact, people who are non-monogamous often seek to better their relationships with their primary partner and lead more understanding, open lives.

Complete Article HERE!

A slip through the back door does not a gay man make

By JOACHIM OSUR

strapon-sex-hospital

When Risper met Tom, she was convinced that he was the Mr Right she had been waiting for. She was thirty-two years old and like any single woman of that age, there was enough pressure from her mum and aunties to get married as quickly as possible.

You see, there is this belief that if you do not marry by a certain age you will remain single forever and may not bear children, so the people who need to be named, those whose names your children should inherit will suffer extinction.

We believe that we live forever by giving our names to newborns from our children. Anyway, that is a story for another day.

And so it was that six months into the relationship Risper and Tom were already having sex. Plans were underway for a wedding.

Tom had already visited Risper’s parents and they were all too thankful to God for favouring their daughter with such a handsome and responsible man – Tom was a doctor, a cardiothoracic surgeon, who had delayed marriage to pursue his specialised medical qualification.

A month before the wedding Risper was seated in front of me at the sexology clinic, weeping. She was weeping because in discovering each other sexually, Tom had ventured into anal sex.

Risper was not psychologically prepared for it. All she could remember was that she heard Tom requesting in the heat of the moment to be allowed to try something new and adventurous. She said okay only to be caught unawares when he penetrated her anus!

“God forgive me, but I have to call off the wedding. I cannot marry Tom! I will not entertain homosexuality; it is evil, it is unacceptable, it is wrong!” Risper said, her eyes red and wet with tears.

NOT HOMOSEXUALITY

But anal sex is not synonymous with homosexuality. Homosexuality is sexual attraction to a person of the same sex. For women, it is called lesbianism (where a woman is attracted sexually to another woman.) Men who are attracted sexually to other men are gay. When a man is sexually attracted to a woman, like in Tom’s case, then he cannot be labeled homosexual.

“But tell me doctor, how do gay men have sex, is it not anal sex?” Risper asked not believing me.

Well, anal sex between men is gay sex but between a man and a woman it is heterosexual anal sex and it does happen. There are heterosexual couples who find it pleasurable and if they mutually enjoy it, they should be allowed to do it.

The scenario is different if one partner is uncomfortable with any type of sexual adventure in a relationship. There should be mutual discussion about it and if one party finds it unacceptable, just keep off.

“My anus hurts! I do not understand why he had to do this to me!” Risper said writhing in pain and ignoring my advice.

Of course if one chooses to have anal sex it must be understood that the anus does not lubricate (a vagina does). Applying a lubricant before penetration is important. Further, one has to be gentle and considerate of the partner’s feelings. It is insensitve to cause pain and injury to one’s partner during sex in the name of adventure.

“In fact, it is unchristian to do what Tom did to me! If I reported him to our pastor, the church would call for prayer and fasting for God to deliver us,” Risper interjected.

And yes, one’s values do matter as far as sexual adventures are concerned. If it is against your values it is better to keep off. There are people who cannot entertain anal sex, oral sex or other forms of sex other than the traditional intercourse where the penis goes into the vagina. This should be respected.

The next day I had a sit-down with both Risper and Tom and reiterated the etiquette of introducing new sexual moves to each other. Tom was saddened to hear that Risper had considered calling off the wedding.

“You know what, doctor? I did what I did to please Risper. I read somewhere that women enjoy it. In fact I forced myself into it and did not enjoy it at all,” Tom explained, gloom painted on his face.

“Well, you have learnt your lesson, in sex sometimes words speak louder than actions and you have to learn to use words more than your actions especially when introducing something new,” I explained, to which Tom nodded vigorously.

So the wedding plans continued and the couple is now married and living happily together. Two years into the marriage, Tom called and informed me that Risper had delivered a bouncing baby girl at dawn. The baby was named after Tom’s mother.

“Thank you for setting us straight on that fateful day, I cannot forget your intervention; it saved my marriage!” Tom said bursting into a loud staccato laughter.

Complete Article HERE!

How to cope with a sexless marriage

Be honest, listen to each other properly and be patient – plus expert tips for bringing back intimacy

by Joan McFadden

Sexual-frustration

Pick your moment to talk. There are all sorts of reasons people stop having sex – stress, illness, worry about performing, low libido, age, menopause and lack of body confidence. It’s easy to let your sex life drift, but bringing up the subject is difficult so try to pick the right moment when you’re both relaxed and unlikely to be interrupted. But not in bed and especially not while trying to persuade your partner to have sex or feeling angry or frustrated because they’re not interested.

Pick your moment to listen. Do your best not to take it personally. Don’t assume they no longer fancy you or put words in their mouth. It can be hard enough to talk about without extra needless emotional layers being added so listen to what is being said and how the situation makes your partner feel. It really isn’t about you being a bit plump or growing older or not taking pride in your appearance.

Be honest with yourself and each other. Have you both stopped making an effort, do you take each other for granted and think nothing of rolling into bed in a grubby T-shirt without even brushing your teeth? No one’s suggesting you should aim for supermodel or totally buffed body status, but if you don’t love yourself enough to have a little pride in your appearance, it’s not going to be that easy for other people to love you too. You might feel rather shallow admitting that the extra two stone or constant farting in bed isn’t exactly what you signed up for, but you can do that tactfully, especially if admitting areas where you are also no longer quite the person they fell for.

Decide whether sex is a deal-breaker for either of you. Would you be willing to sacrifice sex for the “other stuff”? Some people are perfectly happy having no sex in their marriage and Relate’s research shows that the importance people place on sex decreases with age. Often intimacy is what’s most important, but if it’s not enough, say so.

Be patient. If sex is a deal-breaker, it’s important for the “keen” partner to be patient while the two of you unpack what is causing the block. This is also not the best time to suggest an open relationship as a possible solution.

Seek help together. Sex therapy can help you with working out what the underlying problem is and can also give you a sense that you’re sorting this out together. At the beginning of a relationship, sex can feel so easy, natural and exciting that it can feel a little sad that you might have to work at it, but the results can be well worth it.

Kindness is sexy. Go out together, have fun, make time for each other. When both parties feel truly heard and understood, often intimacy increases along with the desire to have sex.

Ban sex. Many therapists often suggest that couples in sexless relationships start by taking the pressure off sex entirely. This may sound counterintuitive but creating a temporary ban can stop feelings of anxiety about needing to perform, making relaxation more likely.

Small steps. Reintroduce intimacy slowly – start with something as small as holding hands or giving your partner a peck on the cheek before you head off to work. You can then build up to massages, cuddling, lingering kissing and intimate touching and oral sex, but keeping full sexual intercourse off the table until you both feel like you want to do it. The idea behind this is that it allows you to rediscover one another’s sensual sides and increase desire in a pressure-free environment. It’s important that you regularly discuss how you’re both feeling and don’t push your partner to go further than they are comfortable with.

Drink is not the answer. True, but a relaxing dinner and an easy chat over a couple of glasses has led to other things since time began.

Complete Article HERE!

Interested In The Future Of Sex? Check Out This Report

By

With technology continually developing and changing how we live our lives, have you ever thought about how it will change human sexuality? FutureofSex.net, a publication site founded in 2011 dedicated to understanding the possibilities and implications of sexual evolution, has recently released a 25-page report about where our erotic future lies.

The report highlights the technology of today and what we can expect in the future of five major fields: remote sex, virtual sex, robots, immersive entertainment, and augmentation. “Technology is transforming every aspect of our lives, including our sexuality,” says leading futurist and publisher of FutureofSex.net Ross Dawson. “How we connect with our loved ones, the intimacy of our relationships with technology, and even our identities are swiftly moving into uncharted territory.”

The report makes nine surprising predictions about what changes our sex lives will experience and how these changes will help sexuality reach new elevations in the next few decades. “Sexual relationships are no longer limited to geographic space, and breakthroughs in the medical field are opening and re-opening erotic possibilities in the face of human biology,” says editor of FutureofSex.net Jenna Owsianik. “Research into making sex safer—and more pleasurable—has also gained significant financial support, paving the way for an exciting sexual future.”

Some of the predictions the report makes are pretty shocking, like the fact that one in ten young adults will have had sex with a humanoid robot by 2045, or that by 2024 people will be able to enact impossible fantasies in a photo-realistic world. These predictions may seem far-fetched, but thinking about the amount of technology we have today, those forecasts don’t seem that far off.

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If you want to have your mind blown, read the full report here.

Complete Article HERE!