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Eating Out at the Y: The Finer Points of Cunnilingus

Many women prefer oral sex to intercourse, because it has the potential to give them exceptional orgasms. And for those of you who need loads of direct clit contact to get off, mouth-to-clit stimulation is one of the easiest, most enjoyable ways to get make that happen. Unfortunately, for many gals, like Carol here, her man’s oral skills simply aren’t up to the task.

I like oral sex, but my new BF doesn’t know what he’s doing down there. He’s really sweet and I like him a lot. Unfortunately, he thinks he this really great lover when actually he sucks…and not in a good way. I know he reads your column, he was the one that turned me on to your site, so could you give him some pointers on how to orally pleasure a woman? He doesn’t listen to me.

Now, despite being a big fat homo, I am regularly quizzed on the art of muff diving. I’m always happy to oblige, but I’m bound to say that everything I know about cunnilingus I’ve learned from my lesbian friends. Instead of me—who has no pussy—pontificating on the joys of orally pleasuring a woman, I turn to my #1 friend of the lesbian persuasion, Joy. Not only does she have her very own pussy, she also knows her way around other pussies as well.

I shared Carol’s letter with her, and asked for her thoughts. I figure, if you wanna learn how to do something right, ya talk to a pro. Simply put, no one sucks cock as good as a queer; no one gobbles clam like a dyke. Enough said! Joy’s first comment was…and I quote, “What’s this chick doin’ with a dude? If she wants good head, she should bed a dyke. Once you go lezzie, you never go back.” Ahhh, Joy is such a joy!

Okay, so giving oral is about the most perfect sexual thing you can do for a woman. It makes her feel special. What woman doesn’t groove on knowin’ her partner finds her finger-lickin’ good? And maybe that’s a good place to start this tutorial. If you don’t like the taste or smell of pussy, give up on the idea that you’ll be a fabulous lover. However, if you want to give this whole muff diving thing a try, but you don’t know if you can handle the flavor or aroma, or if your chick’s unsure about you being down there, thinking she might be unsavory; you could start off by showering or bathing together.

The novice pussy lapper would do well to approach this amazing piece of human anatomy very gently…at first. If the woman you’re eatin’ out wants more vigorous attention, she will ask for it. So relax and enjoy! (Note: If all this licking and sucking isn’t a turn on for you, it won’t be much of a pleasure for your partner, either. So, if your heart’s not in it, you will have to find other ways to please her.)

Don’t make the mistake that Carol’s boyfriend makes. Listen to the feedback you’re getting on the job you’re doing. If you’re not getting any, ask for it. (Just don’t talk with your mouth full.) Once you hit on something that works for your gal, stick with it for a while—unless of course, you’re trying to drive her wild with some tongue teasing.

Joy says that the biggest no-no in pussy divin’ is divin’ in without knowing your way around. Like I always say, ladies, it’s completely up to you to introduce your partner to your particular pussy. Remember: Just because he’s been with other women, don’t make him an expert on your parts. Get it? Got it? GOOD!

Finding just the right position will eliminate the fatigue factor and neck strain. Have her lie across the bed (or the sofa, kitchen table, whatnot shelf) with her ass situated just at the edge. With her legs apart, knees up and her feet resting on the edge of the bed/table/whatever, take a comfortable position on the floor between her legs. Here’s a tip: The more muscle control she has to exert to maintain her position and balance will often lead to a stronger, more pleasurable and intense orgasm, because a thunderous orgasm is all about muscle tension.

Joy insists that a soft tongue and a relaxed jaw work best. And holy cow, she knows of what she speaks. She always starts out licking her pal from vaginal entrance up to her clit. She follows the outer edges of her pussy along both sides. Slowly at first, then more rapidly. Sometimes she’ll even throw in some raspberries. (You know, the vibrating sound you make when you force breath through lightly closed lips.) Joy stands by this technique, don’t cha know! Sounds like so much fun, I kinda’ wish I had me a cunt.

Don’t let your hands be idle when you’re yodeling up the valley. Gently press the two outer vaginal lips together, then run your tongue between the inner and outer labia one side at a time. Try poking your tongue into her vagina. The majority of a woman’s vaginal nerve endings are around the opening and within the first couple of inner inches. Target them with a darting tongue motion. Insert a hardened tongue into her hole. Try moving your tongue in and out, as well as in circles around the inside of her opening.

Spread her outer vaginal lips with your fingers. With your tongue pointed, gently flick your tongue around her clit. Feel free to roam around in there, but keep coming back to her clit, because it is the most sensitive area—just like your dick head, you dickhead! Be careful though: some women find the direct approach too intense. If this is the case with your woman, blow a stream of warm breath over and around the clit. This lighter, breathy touch might do the trick.

Keep your tongue and hands busy flicking and massaging, poking and prodding lapping and kneading. In other words, find out what she likes and how she likes it, and let her have it just that way. Again, be sure to ask for feedback—and then do precisely what she says.

Once your partner is good and hot and juicy wet, Joy suggests you kick things up a notch. Spread her lips, expose her clit and give it a quick little suck. If this hits the spot, you might want to lightly pull back her clitoral hood and repeat the quick sucking motion. Joy assures me that this feels incredible, and it’s just the thing to do if you feel like driving your partner crazy with ecstasy. Now take her exposed clit into your mouth and gently suck on it, simultaneously flicking your tongue over and around it. This combined with fingering her hole will usually produce a stunning orgasm.

Finally, Joy suggests you surprise the little woman by having a sugar-free mint or an ice chip in your mouth while you eat her out. These can create a very intense tingling sensation and will enhance your performance—and her pleasure—immeasurably.

Good luck!

A Spot of Heavy Breathing

Name: Bob
Gender: male
Age: 40
Location:
I’m a bisexual male. Recently I’ve been seeing this black guy, 25 years old, with a very big 9” very thick cock. We’ve been suckin’ and he’s been fuckin me. But most recently he’s been wanting me to get together with two or three of his friends and have a party. I mostly want to do it, but I’m a little scared. Would I be able to handle 2 or 3 guys? Would I be able to take all their cocks up my ass? I need some advice.

Bob, you are a little breathless, huh? I’m so delighted you stopped by with this tantalizing tidbit. So let’s get this straight, so to speak. You’ve got this heavy hung black dude, 15 years your junior, rockin’ your world with his thick 9”. Oh sure, count your money in front of the poor, why don’t cha? Say, all of us here at Dr Dick’s Sex Advice are wondering; how in the world did you get this dazzling urban specimen to tap your honky ass in the first place?

But there’s more…besides your amazing good fortune with this one fella, your young playmate wants to introduce you to a few of his big boned bruthas for some hot group action. Mmmm, how you do go on, sir! I suppose it’s only natural to be a bit intimidated, what with all that weighty pipe that will be swinging around. All I can say is I hope you film the event for posterity, darling. Because if you don’t no one, not even me, will ever believe you.

You want some advice? How could I possibly advise someone who can handle…and I quote “a very big 9” very thick cock.” If that’s truly the case, you don’t need nothin’ from me. Let’s just hope your hole will be able to withstand the massive gang fuck. And that’ll depend on one thing — you being as big of an insatiable bottom as you are a braggart. If you are, you’ll have no trouble at all.

Good luck…you’re gonna need it.

Name: Ben
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Location: New York, New York
Dr- I have read up on some of the questions you have answered and realized why my penis is curved. Because I began to masturbate in sixth grade! (The older boys on the bus encouraged me too) Now I know that this may sound dumb. But is there any way to fix this? I haven’t ever even had a blowjob, or hand job because I’m so timid about a girl seeing my penis. I’m also scared to call anywhere, and when the doctor asks me if I have any questions about my body I’m even to scared to say yes to that. Should I ask the doctor about it just too see if there is a way to fix my penis, or is there a natural way to fix it with a special kind of vitamin that I can take? Thanks a ton! -Ben

Hey Ben, why are you being such are a scaredy cat? I mean how bad a curve does your dick have that you would avoid a blowjob or even a hand job when offered? Is it really that misshapen? I mean, how many erect cocks have you seen in your short life span that you can say for sure that your unit is so fatally flawed? Can you be absolutely certain that the curve of your johnson isn’t just a normal variation on an otherwise handsome and hearty tool?

Listen pup, even a precocious masturbator like you is unlikely to change the shape of his willie simply by jerking off. That’s not to say that one’s dick can’t run into trouble from injury or abuse. For as hearty a plaything as it is, our cock, it is a relatively delicate instrument. When you get a woody, your cock is engorged with oxygen-rich blood, which is essential for the upkeep of the smooth muscle tissue. This kind of tissue makes up about 90% of your cock. So you can see how a healthy circulatory system is to a vibrant sex life.

If you dissected your woody and looked at a cross-section you’d see three distinct spongy tubular structures, each are made up of smooth muscle tissue. Two of these tubular structures — one on either side of your cock, both of which run the length of your cock — are called the corpora cavernosa. These marvelous structures become engorged with blood lifting and thickening your cock to erection. The corpus spongiosum, the third tubular structure is located just below the corpora cavernosa. This baby houses your urethra, through which urine and semen pass during urination and ejaculation, respectively. This may also become slightly engorged with blood, but less so than the corpora cavernosa.

An oxygen-deprived cock will build up a kind of plaque, which resembles scar tissue. This will cripple a dude’s rod (Peyronie’s disease) or rob him of his wood altogether. However, I don’t think this is the case for you.

So before you start tryin to “heal” or “fix” yourself with some contraption or herbal supplement visit a doctor first. If you’re too timid to make an appointment with your family physician, go to a free clinic, or neighborhood clinic near you. You’re living in the big apple for crying out loud; you have all these great resources available to you.

Good luck

Overcoming a Fear of Sex: A Step-By-Step Process

All phobias can be overcome with some effort. The same is true for conquering a fear of sex. Here, I walk a young gay man through his trepidation with anal sex. We take simple, easy to accomplish steps to build confidence and dispel his apprehensions.

I’m gay, I’m a virgin, and I think I may be afraid of sex. In all the porn I’ve seen, the bottom guy looks uncomfortable and in pain— why would I want that? I’ve only done anything sexual with one guy, and I was so anxious that I couldn’t even get it up. I liked the guy, he was hot, and I enjoyed all the foreplay type stuff, but I just couldn’t do anything else. Any advice on how to get over this?
Drew

First thing—don’t ever look to porn for your sex education; you’ll surely be misled. Second, that grimace you report seeing on the bottom’s face as he is being penetrated may be a grimace of pleasure, not pain. I think you may be projecting your own discomfort on the guys in the movies.

Let me tell you a little story. Recently I was strolling in the park with my dog. We were each, in our own way, enjoying the sights, sounds and smells of nature in its glory. As we walked along, we encountered a father and son who were deeply involved in what appeared to be the boy’s first lesson in riding a bicycle—sans training wheels. Despite the father’s patient encouragement, the kid couldn’t seem to get the hang of it. He’d start out okay, but just as soon as his dad let go of the bike, it would begin to wobble and the boy would eventually crash. There were plenty of tears, a skinned knee, and the boy’s fear and anxiety were thick enough to cut with a knife.

The boy was convinced that he couldn’t ride on his own. His defeatism became a self-fulfilling prophecy. He finally gave up, sat down on a bench, his bike in a tangle at his feet, and refused his father’s pleading to give it another try. In his mind, the bike was the enemy; another attempt would only hurt and humiliate, and so the lesson ended.

What the kid lacked was self-confidence, a sense of adventure and probably more importantly—balance. I wish I’d had the opportunity to suggest to the boy and his dad that they try another ploy. I wanted to say, “Set the bike aside and work on that balance thing first.” This would surely increase the boy’s confidence, and it wouldn’t cost a blow to his ego or his knee—and it would be fun.

I’d have suggested the dad start by helping the kid walk on curb, balancing himself as he went. Then the dad could increase the challenge to include balancing on one foot, then the other. Once the kid discovered the power within him to accomplish these tasks, the bike could be reintroduced. The father would assist the boy in drawing upon his skill in balancing on the curb to master balancing on his bike.

The same will be true for you, Drew. Sex is nothing to be afraid of. Rather, it is a skill that one learns. Some, obviously, take to it quicker than others, but everyone can learn a happy, healthy sexual repertoire that will build self-esteem and bring great pleasure.

I want you to start exploring and enjoying your bottom on your own. Like the kid in the park, you need to acquaint yourself with the powers that lie within you. He needed to find a sense of balance; you need to find the Big Old Butt Pirate within.

Most all of the discomfort in anal sex is associated with your sphincter muscle trying to resist whatever it is being inserted. When this muscle resists to the point of spasming, things can become very painful. So here’s what I want you to do.

  • Before you start playing with your hole—relax. Take a relaxing shower, a warm bath, and/or try some deep breathing exercises to center yourself.
  • Have a ready supply of a water-based lube handy. Silicone-based lubes are swell for these exercises too. However, this type of lube isn’t recommended for use with a condom.
  • Start with a little self-pleasuring. Stroke your dick with your lubed hand and get into your happy place.
  • Gradually slather some of that lube on to your balls and taint. With legs open, find your hole and play with your rosebud. Gently massage the area around your asshole, but don’t slide your fingers in just yet. Simply get used to the sensations at the opening of your ass.
  • Let your play include the tip of your finger entering your ass.
    If you do this while you’re stroking your cock, you will find that your hole will actually open and invite your finger. That’s the great thing about pleasuring one part of your body while learning to pleasure another.
  • Once you are comfortable with your fingertip inside, try pushing it in further and move it around a little. Try pushing it and pulling it out of your ass. You know, like finger-fucking yourself.
  • Locate your prostate. (It shouldn’t be hard to find if you’re all horned up.) It will feel smooth and hard, like a flat stone. Give it a nice gentle massage. If you’re still stroking your wood, don’t be surprised if this prostate massage gets you to ejaculate. In fact, you will find that your prostate actually enlarges a bit and becomes more firm just as you are about to shoot. As you jizz, you’ll notice that your sphincter muscle will tighten around your finger and pulsate with each squirt.

Continue these self-pleasuring exercises until you’re comfortable inserting a couple fingers in your ass. Then try a small vibrating dildo. In no time at all, you will be ready to jump on your bike and ride…so to speak.

With these exercises behind you—no pun intended—the first time you actually fuck with a partner will be the incredible experience it is meant to be. If you encounter any discomfort, you’ll know what to do: deep breathing to relax and priming your hole with a lubed finger or two.

  • First, attend to your personal hygiene. Make sure you’re clean inside. This will help you avoid an unsightly and embarrassing mishap that might mess up the big event.
  • Remember to take it slow. There’s no rushing pleasure. Remember, you’ll be the one in charge of what goes in your ass, when, and for how long.
  • Warm up with some foreplay, kissing, sucking, licking, rimming, touching and massaging.
  • Have condoms and plenty of lube near at hand.
  • While you’re warming up, start loosening up your ass with your lubed fingers, just as you did in your self-pleasuring exercises.
  • Once you’re comfortable, offer your ass to your partner. Have him replace your fingers with his own. Try some finger-fucking first.
  • After you’re relaxed and loose, lie on your side with your partner behind you. Have him slowly push his cock against your rosebud.
  • Try pushing out like you are trying to take a dump. This will help open up your sphincter for his entry.
  • As he enters you, have him stop so that you can breathe deeply. Give your ass the time it needs to adjust to the new sensations. If there’s pain or discomfort have your partner reverse course and go back to finger fucking before you proceed.
  • Make sure that your partner knows that if you ask him to stop, he will stop. Trust is essential.
  • As he fills you with his dick he will hit your prostate. This will send waves of pleasure through your body and signal your sphincter to open for even more.
  • You may find that you’ll even want to push your ass back to meet and engulf his cock.

By the time this happens you will happily discover that you are riding your bike all by yourself.

Good luck!

Finessing That Ass Fuck — A Tutorial For a Top

This tutorial is for anyone who is considering being a top, regardless of whether the meat injection is 100% prime, or a beef substitute (a strap-on dildo), these words of wisdom are for you.

What Ya Need To Know

Let’s get something clear right from the get-go. And this is for all you sticklers for semantics out there. The word “top” has several sexual connotations. There are of course BDSM tops, but generally they go by the moniker “dom”. And one can accurately say there a “top” in any sexual activity that involves an active and passive partner — such as cocksucking and watersports. But today’s lesson is for the active partner in butt sex. But you knew that already. Because all you had to do is read the title of this article to figure that out, huh?

Some folks just aren’t open to the idea of experimenting with their assholes. They think it’s gonna be painful, or worse, messy.

So first off, prospective tops, you don’t want to try buggering these folks. A good top should know it makes no sense at all to try to force or belittle an unwilling bottom to give up his or her rosebud. This is simply a waste of everyone’s time. Because if you do succeed in getting the unwilling bottom to relent, and the subsequent fucking attempt confirms the bottom’s earlier suspicions that this activity is indeed painful or gross or both, you’ll have won the skirmish, but lost the war. Remember, it takes two to tango.

Secondly. Before a top commences a fuck of any kind, they need to consider whose pleasure is primary in this particular fuck. There is a big difference between fucking for the top’s pleasure, for the bottom’s pleasure, or for mutual pleasure. For instance, if a top is trying to finesse a novice bottom into exploring ass fucking, that top needs to concentrate on the bottom’s pleasure first.

Start by getting the bottom comfortable being touched where the sun don’t shine. Lubricate your hand generously and massage the outside of their hole. Make some lazy little circles with your fingers and drive your bottom wild with desire. When their sphincter starts to quiver, as it surely will, slowly penetrate your bottom’s bottom with a lubricated fingertip. After a few minutes of just hanging out with your finger in there, you can begin to slowly slide your finger in and out. Be sure to take your time. Allow their muscles to adjust to being penetrated. You might want to incorporate a thin vibrating dildo and/or some expert rimming to pave the way for bigger things.

When a top fingers a bottom, they would do well, at this point, to reconsider the width of his dick or her strap-on. Once your bottom can take two fingers comfortably and three fingers with a minimum of discomfort, they’re ready to take a modest-sized cock or dildo. If you’re very well-endowed or you plan to strap on a monster dildo, you’d better adjust this finger-formula based on the width of your fingers and your equipment. And, you know, make sure your partner is aware of the girth of what awaits him or her.

A clean asshole is a fuckable asshole. Hygiene is essential for both tops and bottoms. Bottoms may wish to use a small bulb syringe and plain water to clean out a few hours before the event. And tops, once your cock or dildo has been inside your bottom’s ass, don’t go puttin’ that thang anywhere else until you’ve washed it down with soap and water. Carelessness in the hygiene department will only invite a very serious infection.

Making It Happen

Tops, be sure to use a good personal lube and have your favorite condoms within reach. Getting your bottom into the right position, one that is comfortable for both of you is paramount. There are way too many positions for me cover here, but when choosing a position, consider your preference, the bottom’s preference, your cock and/or dildo size, your body type and the bottom’s body type. You may find that a pillow or two positioned under your bottom’s pelvis will help support and prop up your bottom’s bottom in most positions.

Painful fucking is a sign that something is being done incorrectly. It is not a sign from God that ass fucking is wrong. In most cases, pain is due to a few predictable factors:

  • The bottom is too tense and is tightening up.
  • The top is being impatient and is pushing too hard too soon.
  • There may not be enough lubricant.
  • The cock or strap-on is too big for the bottom’s experience level.

Obviously, both people should be comfortable and feel pleasure from it. However, it’s perfectly fine, on occasion, to concentrate on one person’s pleasure over the pleasure of the other. Just make sure you both agree on whose pleasure is gonna be the focus of any given fuck.

Topping is a skill like any other. Practice will improve your technique. And while practicing, invite and listen to the feedback coming from your bottom.

The Top’s Handy-Dandy Tally Sheet

Ok, let’s review.

  1. Always use a lubricant. Both water-based and silicone- based lubricants are latex-compatible and highly recommended.
  2. Stop immediately if your partner asks you to stop. I’m not suggesting that you stop trying altogether; just don’t push yourself onto your bottom when he or she wants you to stop. Find the source of the problem—lubrication, position, whatever, resolve the problem, and resume the fuck.
  3. Take it slow. There is no need to rush, especially if you’re experimenting with anal sex for the first time.
  4. A bottom’s desire to be fucked will not insure pleasurable cornholing. It’s nice that he or she might want to surrender their ass, but that’s not gonna make it happen on its own.
  5. Always communicate with your bottom. Keep your communication playful and dirty. Tops, be open about what you want and how it’s feeling. “Oh baby, that’s right you’ve got such a tight hole. You want my big meat in your ass? Yes you do! Open up for daddy…or momma…as the case may be.” Get the picture?
  6. Spread the pleasure around. Keep your hands busy on the bottom’s clit or cock, at least initially. If the bottom can make the connection between the pleasure he/she is familiar with (cock or clit) with the new butt related sensations; then the battle has been won.

In Conclusion

Some experienced bottoms can orgasm with ass fucking alone. Women do so through pelvic muscle contractions and G-spot stimulation; men because of pressure applied to their prostate.

Oh, and here’s something you need to know. We all have two sphincter muscles. If you insert a finger about one half-inch into your ass and press your fingertip against the side you’ll find them both. There is less than a quarter-inch between them. The external sphincter is controlled by the central nervous system, which means you can tense and relax this sphincter at will. The internal sphincter is quite different. This muscle is controlled by the autonomic nervous system making it involuntary. This muscle responds to fear and anxiety. It may cause your bottom’s hole to tense up automatically even if he or she is trying to relax.

Tops, remember the rectum is not straight. After the short anal canal that connects the asshole to the rectum, the rectum tilts toward the front of the body, sometimes as much as 90 degrees. That’s way some people are anatomically less suited to ass fucking.

Finally, the best attribute a top can have is his or her sense of humor about the whole friggin’ deal. Fucking ain’t as easy as it looks, at least not at first. But perseverance will carry the day.

Good luck!

Forbidden Fruit Redo

And now, by request, a popular column I wrote several years ago. This is for you, Armand.

What is it about things we’re not supposed to have, or even think about, that make them so tantalizing? In a sex-negative culture like our own, where sexual roles and gender expectations are so buttoned down, where much of the vast array of healthy human sexual expression is proscribed. It’s no wonder we often feel compelled to deny who we are or turn ourselves inside out to avoid the conspicuous. Two correspondents come immediately to mind.

Doc,
Like I’m totally straight, right. But my roommate is gay. He’s hot and all with a great body and he’s this total sex addict. Sometimes I hear him pounding ass through the wall. When he’s drunk he tells me about the guys he’s fucking and it’s like all this really nasty stuff.
I’m like totally not into cock or anything, but I can’t help but wonder how it would feel to touch one. I see my roommate naked all the time. He’s like this total exhibitionist. Sometimes he even has a piss hardon in the morning. Nasty!
I don’t pay much attention, but I sometimes just want to reach out and grab his thing just to see what he would say. I just don’t want him to get the wrong idea. If my GF ever found out she’d freak. So do you think my roommate would mind if I copped a feel? It’s not like it isn’t already hanging out and stuff. Do you think he’d rat on me to my GF?
— Curious

Like you are so totally NOT straight, dude. You are like the biggest closeted flamer in the whole wide world. You’re just itching for the opportunity to smoke yourself some pole, but you can’t admit it. Hmmm, sounds like several prominent Republicans I know…but I digress.

Like I’ll bet you totally jerk off while your hot roommate is pounding ass next door. And I think your GF is this pathetic beard too.

She’s got her eye on you, don’t ‘cha know. She knows that if she turns her back for just one minute, you’d be taking it up the poop-shoot before she can say “Friend of Dorothy”.

Let’s face it; you want your GF to find out about your secret obsession. BTW, what kind of self-respecting straight chick dates a closet case like you anyway? I mean, like how could your roommate rat you out when everyone already has your number? Darlin’, when you find out you’re a big fat homo, everyone will know.

Dude, like you are totally gonna grab your roommates package one of these days real soon, regardless of what I say or what he may think about you doing it. Like you are totally self-deluded about not caring that he walks around the house sporting a giant boner. And that shit you’re trying to feed me about being scandalized by his nasty exploits, that’s like totally obvious too. Me thinks you doth protest too much.

Listen up! If your roommate is a nice guy, and you aren’t the total skulking dweeb you appear to be. And if you have the balls to come clean with your roommate about your true identity. And he’s hasn’t pounded any ass in the past 12 hours. And if he’s feeling really generous, and you ask him real nice; Yes, I think there is a slim chance he’ll bone you big time. It will, of course, be a mercy fuck for sure, but at least you’ll finally know total bliss.

Like, totally go for it, dude. Sheesh!

These postings are brought to you by


And then there’s this…

Hey Doctor Dick,
I got more of a story than a question. I’m a gay. Kinda average looks, kinda big, kinda burly and I really dig sex. Problem is, cuz I don’t look like your typical fag, all gym buff and everything, I’m not gettin laid like I should. I’ve tried everything, online personals, internet chat rooms, phone hook up lines, everything. WTF?
While I’m online lookin for a hookup, I start to notice something that blows me away. There are a lot of queers lookin to hookup with straight guys. At first I’m thinkin, dudes this is fucked up. There are all these homos out there, like me for example, who ain’t gettin their share and you wanna suck off a straight dude? Fuck!
Now I’m gettin all depressed. Ok, so then I try this little experiment. Next time I’m online, I post an ad like always, same stats same everything, only this time I say I’m straight. Damn if I don’t get hit up by a half dozen guys right away. Guys that wouldn’t have given me the time of day when I was “gay”.
I decide to go for it, like now I just want to see if I can pull this shit off. Guess what, I got the best sex I ever had. I turned guys away even. This is really messin with my head, but I’m gettin some really fine ass so I ain’t complaining…too much.
I decide to really get into this. I start sayin things like my girlfriend can’t suck dick for shit and I got this five day load of straight man spunk hold up for some faggot cocksucker. I can barely keep a straight face, no pun intended.
I put this picture of my sister in a frame by my bed and tell all my tricks she’s my girlfriend. I’ve even got this chick at work to join in the fun and call me when some dude’s blowin me. I have her start raggin’ on me like some real girlfriend and then she wants to know what that sound is in the background. This fuckin drives my trick wild, cuz he thinks he gettin authentic straight man dick. BTW, the chick from work thinks it’s a riot.
This works for sure. Fags are so gullible, it’s fuckin Incredible. But I worry cuz I want a boyfriend and this isn’t gonna get me one. Even if one of my tricks turns out to be the man of my dreams, I couldn’t respect him or trust him knowing he’s tryin to make straight guys.
— Scott

What a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive! All this just to get laid, Scott? Holy Cow!

While the good doctor is truly entertained by your delightful story, he is as depressed as you to learn the lengths a gay man has to go to these days just to get another gay man to suck his dick. I don’t recall it being so convoluted when I was a younger man.

The good doctor also concurs with your statement that you’ll probably not find a BF this way. And I’d like to point out the obvious. What’s with this bullshit double standard you have? You say you couldn’t respect or trust any guy who is out trying to make straight guys. Yet you don’t call yourself on the mammoth deception you practice. Curious how we can point out the sliver in another man’s eye when while we still have a plank in our own.

You do, however, get extra points for your creativity. I love the touch of having the chick from work call you while you are in flagrante delicto. That’s beautiful. A+.

Good luck

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