By Simone Paget
If you’re bolting right after sex, you could be ruining your sex life for you and your partner.
Take it from me. One of my first sexual experiences as a young adult was with a guy we’ll call Jay. He was older, more experienced, very good-looking and hence, seemed slightly intimidating to me.
We had great chemistry and spent an entire summer making out in the backseat of his mom’s car. However, everything shifted the first time we had sex and he wouldn’t even make eye-contact. Before I could roll into an upright position, Jay had managed to jump out of the bed and get dressed. He was out the door within minutes. Years later, my therapist would explain to me that Jay likely had “intimacy issues.” But at the time, the experience left me feeling completely naked – literally and figuratively.
I’ve since come to realize that what comes after sex is almost as important as the act itself. Even if a relationship is casual, being able to cuddle, connect and check in with your partner following sex is not only really enjoyable, it also has the potential to make or break the experience.
Therefore, I wasn’t surprised when Trojan and The Sex Information and Education Council of Canada surveyed midlife Canadians and found that after-sex behaviour contributes to overall sexual satisfaction.
According to the study, women who reported 6 to 10 minutes of affectionate behaviour after sex were much more likely to rate their intercourse experience as very pleasurable compared to women who reported 0 to 5 minutes. Researchers say it all comes down to what they’ve dubbed “the 6-minute rule.”
So, how exactly does it work?
“When couples are being sexual, it’s an opportunity for intimacy and connection. The 6-minute rule refers to cuddling and intimacy that occurs AFTER sex (the counterpoint to foreplay),” explains Robin Milhausen, a sexuality and relationship researcher and associate professor at the University of Guelph. Biologically speaking she says, “during sex, and after orgasm, men and women experience a boost in the hormone oxytocin. This hormone has been associated with feelings of connection, affection, and bonding. So we are primed after sex, in part because of oxytocin, to bond with our partners, especially if we spend a few minutes being affectionate.”
As Milhausen points out, “sex makes us vulnerable – we are physically (and emotionally!) naked. As a result, what happens during a sexual encounter can make us feel wonderful – loved, beautiful, sexy – but it can also make us feel worse – self–conscious and disconnected. So those minutes after sex are crucially important to creating a positive experience.”
What’s exciting about the 6-minute rule is that it’s an “intervention” that most couples can implement with very little difficulty. It’s literally as easy as not rolling over and going to sleep immediately after sex. “Cuddle! Talk about the high points of the encounter,” says Milhausen. For example, you can let your partner know, “I really loved when you did ____” or “that was so hot when______ happened.”
These six-minutes post-sex are a great opportunity to experience a good sexual encounter again.
“ Being kind after sex can help your partner feel valued and appreciated. And it’s the perfect time to communicate that message.”
Complete Article HERE!
Let’s start in a very clear, very concise manner.
I’m going to assume you are two adults who want to try a bit of kink or BDSM, and you’re looking for a bit of helpful advice.
I’m going to make that caveat because I’m tired of seeing advice columns labelled ‘How do I tell my partner I want to try kinky sex?’
You just do – you open your mouth and ask.
I’m sorry if you don’t feel like you’re in an open and honest enough relationship and I feel bad for you son. But you got 99 problems and your kink ain’t one.
In recent years the S&M moniker has extended to BDSM – Bondage, Domination, Sadism, Masochism. (The S stands for Sadism – the art of hurting Someone else. The M stands for Masocism – the art of hurting Myself.)
I’m going to take you by the hand, and give you a few hints, tips and tutorials to help you start exploring your kinky side. But first, some housekeeping –
The key phrase in BDSM is ‘safe, sane and consensual’
1. Is it safe?
Figure out a safe-word, or if you’re planning a gag, try a click of fingers or a tap on the bed.
A signal of some sort to know this is where you need to stop and have a cup of tea and a cuddle.
2. Be sane
Yes, I know you get braver after a few drinks.
I know it sounds sexy to do it all when you’re full of Dutch courage but it’s not safe, and I promise you it’s not half as enjoyable as when you get to look back on it and remember it all – that feeling of power, or submission – with full clarity.
3. Be consensual
Strike an agreement. Sit down, and discuss how far you’re willing to go. If you want to go right up to 11, but your partner wants to sail on a steady 3, then fine. Start in the shallow pool.
When they say the safeword, you stop.
This goes for both sides – I’m always wary of subs who ‘Top from the bottom’ – they can be tied up and crying out for me to start doing things to them I’m not comfortable with, so I have no qualms in stopping the session.
Don’t run before you can walk.
Many people will ask who is the Dominant, and who is the submissive?
But perhaps you don’t know. Maybe you want to try both. You don’t have to put yourself into a box so early on.
You also don’t need fancy-schmancy equipment
You don’t need a dungeon. You don’t need props, costume, or lighting.
You just need confidence, communication and a bit of imagination.
I say ‘a bit’ because there’s porn and your partner – a wealth of ideas and suggestions will come from both.
However, if you do want to try and bring some toys in the bedroom, then you can’t go wrong with visiting one of the monthly fetish fairs in the city.
In fact as a Londoner, it’s your civic duty to support these kinky artisans.
The London Alternative Market and the London Fetish Fair are monthly events who both offer handmade, sturdy and reasonably priced items to help anyone – from the beginner to the professional.
Clothing and articles are made to measure, furniture to suit all needs! I have to stop before I burst into a song worthy of ‘Oliver’.
But they’ll also provide demonstrations on various bits of equipment you might not be so familiar with.
‘Oh, but Auntie Miranda, these are all just WORDS! Give us something practicaaaaal!!’
Ok, your homework for this evening…
We’ll start slowly – work with what you know, and if you don’t know your partner all that well (hey, it’s 2016. It’s allowed) – explore.
If your partner enjoys going down on you, tell them you want them to go down on you.
Grab them by the hair and say ‘you’re going to please me until I tell you to stop.’
They’re going to be your toy, your plaything until you’ve had your fill and they’re going to like it.
And if you don’t know them, they’ll either just say no, and you get a brownie badge for trying, or they might throw their own suggestion into the ring.
If you’re not too sure what each other would enjoy, you can make this part of a kinky game.
ext them, say ‘Hey, I read an interesting blog in the Metro today (It’s OK, you can blame me) and it suggested I tell you three things I want to do to you tonight and you should say three things you want to do to me…’
Enjoy it at home.
Don’t then launch into a massive sextathon – this isn’t about blowing your load before the fun has begun in person.
Also, fantasy sexting may lead down avenues you can’t necessarily repeat in real life and it might become intimidating for your partner.
Instead, use it to gauge what you think you would both enjoy – and try it.
If you’re too shy to even start that kind of conversation, then just remember a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.
Enjoy it. That’s what this is really about.
It’s not about sticking to the rules, just following some guidelines.
It’s not about being perfect and faithfully re-enacting half of Porntube, it’s about finding what makes you feel powerful or what makes you feel submissive.
It’s about positive re-enforcement. Did you enjoy that? Say so – thank your partner, tell them how good it was (either as the Dom or the sub).
You have both tried something new, and you’re both dying to know what each other thought of it, so lie back and tell them how much you enjoyed the fruits of their labours.
Remember, this is a small step to a much bigger world so don’t feel like you have to run before you can walk.
Complete Article HERE!
By Charles Burton
Unless two people are absolute virgins when they meet, they should sit still for a few minutes and have “the conversation” prior to hopping into bed together. It’s not a pleasant thing to think about, but facts are facts, and STDs are commoner than you might think. If you’re going to engage in adult behavior, it’s imperative that you act with at least a modicum of maturity. Part of that maturity involves open communication with any and all sexual playmates you encounter.
What are STD and STI
According to Mayo Clinic, Sexually transmitted diseases (STD) and sexually transmitted infections (STI) are the same thing with different acronyms. Both terms refer to infections and diseases that are spread by way of sexual contact. Not all STDs are transmitted via sexual activity, however. A number of so-called sexually transmitted infections can be spread via blood transfusion, shared needles and the birth process.
Among the commonest STD are gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis and hepatitis. These are not the only diseases that can be transmitted by sexual contact, however. HIV is a dangerous disease that does not have a cure as yet. HPV and genital herpes are other STD infections for which there is currently no effective, long-lasting cure.
How to start the STD conversation
Relationship experts at Psychology Today recommend finding (or making) the time to talk when neither partner is busy or distracted. When there’s a football game on TV, it may not be the right time or place to broach the topic of sexual history. Keep the mood positive, and never express alarm or disgust at the number of previous sexual partners either of you has had. Accept the information offered by your potential sexual partner with grace, dignity and humor.
US News notes that the pre-sex talk doesn’t necessarily have to happen in person. In fact, it may be easier to start the conversation while chatting in a private message or texting on the phone. Starting the conversation and honestly communicating is far more important than the set and setting of “the talk.” Because the STD conversation is so imperative to good health for both partners, anonymous sexual encounters are not recommended.
Things to mention during The Talk
If you’re intimate enough to consider sexual relations with another person, you should feel comfortable enough to broach the subject of sexual history with them. Conversely, if you are too shy to mention condoms, request testing or to reveal a prior STD infection, you may wish to totally reconsider whether to begin a sexual relationship at all. Sex is, after all, a sophisticated form of human communication that works best when both partners are able to be completely open, candid and honest with one another.
Sexual history doesn’t need to divulge every detail, but it is crucial that you advise your partner of any hepatitis, gonorrhea, genital warts or other STD you have ever been exposed to.
How to prevent sexually transmitted infection
The most effective way to eliminate the risk of STD infection is to eschew sexual contact altogether. But, as you probably know, complete abstinence is not a realistic solution. Knowing one’s own body, recognizing symptoms and seeking medical help at the first sign of STD are far more effective methods of reducing sexually related infections.
Symptoms of STD may include sores on the genitals or around the mouth. Painful urination and penile discharge are also symptoms of STD, says Mayo Clinic. Foul-smelling vaginal leakage, abdominal aches, unusual bleeding between periods, and painful intercourse are other signs of sexually transmitted infection.
If you think that you or your partner may be infected with any sort of STD or STI, please make an appointment with a doctor or visit an STD testing center without delay. The sooner you are diagnosed, the sooner you can receive treatments to alleviate symptoms and treat the infection. The worst thing you can do, as far as your own health is concerned, is to feel too embarrassed to visit a clinic to be tested and treated for possible infection.
Lovemaking, sexual intimacy, or hooking up as “friends with benefits” can be a beautiful thing, but sex is fraught with danger, too. Do your best to reveal your truth with humor and grace, and you may be well on the way to forming a blissful interpersonal relationship that can last a lifetime. If not, you’ll at least reduce your risk of becoming infected while enjoying a hot weekend with a special someone.
Complete Article HERE!