Category: Sexual Performance Issues

Posted on

I Have a Higher Libido Than My Partner

—How Can I Be Both Supportive and Satisfied?

By Rebecca Alvarez Story

Question

In recent years, my partner and I have grown to have mismatched sex drives. Now, I have a higher libido than my partner, and while I want to be supportive and certainly don’t want them to feel pressured to have sex, I do wonder if there’s anything I can do to help rejuvenate their interest. Regardless of their libido, though, how can I make sure that I’m still satisfied within my confines of my relationship?

Answer

Mainstream society has grown to idealize fiery relationships denoted by passionate partners who can’t keep their hands off each other. The truth is, though, that libido fluctuates every day, and the chances that one’s libido will always match the level of their partner is quite slim. In fact, one of the most common issues couples face in relationships is mismatched libidos. Often, partners adapt to this reality and find a balance that works for them. Other times, though, mismatched libidos can snowball into bigger issues full of frustration, guilt, and resentment.

In particular, people with a higher libido than their partner tend to feel as if their needs are not being met, shame that they want sex more often or rejection when sex is off the table. By contrast, people with lower libido than their partner tend to feel frustrated, pressured, and anxious about their desire not being on par with their partner. Thankfully, though, a mismatched libido is a solvable issue so long as everyone involved is willing to be honest, empathetic, and to prioritize the relationship.

Being on either side of the sex drive seesaw can be frustrating, but let’s consider ways the partner with the higher sex drive can be both supportive and satisfied.

1. Access their stressors

Before you can begin addressing intimacy concerns, take inventory of what is going on in your partner’s life. The partner with the lower sex drive may be contending with a combination of libido-compromising stressors. Some of these lifestyle or health factors may include high stress, medications, chronic health issues, work demands, mental illness, family responsibilities, financial strain, or lack of sleep.

Now, what can you do about it? Well, if you know, for instance, that your partner is stressed, consider how you might be able to help them to feel better. Communicate that your intention is always to help them feel good in order to show that you’re not just trying to address your own sexual desires. Simple acts of support—like offering to cook breakfast for the week, taking a walk together at lunch or allowing them to sleep in on the weekend—can help revitalize their overall mood.

If your partner is going through a change that is more permanent than a period of stress, consider building support into your daily routine. Depending on the severity of the issue, you’ll want to pace yourself and be consistent in your support in a way that feels manageable to you.

2. Rate your sex drives

One easy way to begin healthy sexual communication on this topic is for each person in the relationship to rate their sex drive from one to 10 and explain their ranking. For the partner with the higher drive, make sure you actively listen to why your partner describes the number they share. Regardless of whether your numbers are very different or not too far from each other, use this exercise as an opportunity to empathize with your partner and try to understand their perspective.

3. Expand your definition of sex

Consider this an invitation to unlearn bad sex ed, including unhealthy myths that sex (only) means penetration and that orgasm is always the end goal. Now is a good time to expand your definition and expectations of what diverse pleasure can mean. To do so, have partner write down 10 intimate activities that they enjoy doing with their partner and 10 intimate things they’d like to try. Share the lists with one another and allow it to be the starting ground for an expanded list of acts all parties can enjoy together.

4. Try breathwork together

A few moments before bed, or when you both have downtime together, face one another and take deep breaths together. Unwinding together can help you both feel at ease next to each other. Gently reminding your partner with a lower libido to connect in breath with you allows you both to feel more synced.

5. Don’t forget you-time

While you are working on intimacy in your relationship, do not forget to build intimacy with yourself. Ideas that a partner should “fulfill you” or that they must be your sole source of pleasure aren’t healthy and put too much pressure on one person. You should be a primary part of your pleasure equation and spend time exploring and enjoying your body alone, regardless of your relationship status. Some ideas to bring more pleasure to your life can include full-body massages in the shower, a lunchtime masturbation session or a date night alone in your room with aromatherapy, music, and your favorite toys.

6. Throwback dates

Sometimes, the easiest solution for couples struggling with mismatched libidos is to go back to the basics. Many couples get stuck in a routine and don’t plan out date nights together the way they may have early on in the relationship. There’s no need to reinvent the wheel here, either. Instead, book consistent date nights and hit up old spots you used to enjoy together. Having dedicated time to look forward to helps build desire before the dates; meanwhile, spending quality time together on the dates helps you reconnect more intimately.

7. Work with a professional

It can be scary navigating intimacy concerns with your partner. Whether you are new to the relationship or are in a committed, long-term partnership, working with a professional can be a source of comfort. Sex therapists, sexologists, and intimacy experts are trained to help you talk about difficult topics and guide you on how to reach your goals together. There may also be instances where the best option for the relationship may not be one you have been open to before. Consider working with an expert if you want support navigating mismatched libidos.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

6 Tips for Having Great, Fulfilling Sex When You’re Just So Tired

By Natalie Arroyo Camacho

A healthy sex life is linked to a number of great benefits: a longer lifespan, improved heart health, and decreased stress, to name a few. That said, at one point or another, it’s likely you’ve simply been too tired to have it. But, having sex when you’re tired still stands to boost your well-being because it makes you feel more connected to your sexual partner and opens you up to all the benefits of experiencing orgasm. (Of course, this doesn’t apply to asexual people, whose relationships are still valid and intimate despite a lack of sexual activity.) And, with the help of some tips, it’s possible to still have great and satisfying sex, even if you’re pretty zonked.

And for the health of your relationship, it may be worth your effort, too. According to experts, using sleepiness as a reason to avoid sex may lead you to not regularly reap the intimacy-boosting benefits of sex. “When you’re maintaining that [sexual] connection, even if you’re going through hard times together, you’re likely to be a little kinder and nicer, and maybe even a little more patient with your partner in the rest of your relationship,” says sexologist and co-founder of GoLove CBD lubricant Sadie Allison, PhD.

That said, if you or your partner is chronically tired and not in the mood, it’s important to first connect about potential underlying issues causing the sex-life-busting exhaustion. “I always encourage couples to first talk about the fatigue,” says sex therapist Shannon Chavez, PsyD. “If there’s not even [sexual] desire, or one partner hasn’t been in the mood, having an open dialogue around that is the first step [to having sex when tired], because you want to figure out what’s getting in the way of sex.” Following this discussion, it’s important to follow up with action. Whether that’s a change in routine, one partner helping the other to minimize sources of stress that may be stoking libido-busting fatigue, or seeking therapy, it’s important to move forward together.

But sometimes, there’s no serious or problematic underlying issue, and you’re just plain old sleepy. Read on for six expert-backed suggestions for having great consensual sex when you’re tired (and why doing so may be worth it).

6 expert-backed tips for having sex when you’re tired (and making it great)

1. Remember that sex goes beyond penetrative intercourse

Dr. Allison says that understanding intercourse as broader than just a penetrative act can ultimately make it easier to to make sure everyone is satisfied, and—considering the factor of tiredness—efficiently so.

For instance, non-penetrative sex acts can be effective for achieving orgasm (the fastest way for vulva-owners to orgasm, after all, is via the clitoris), and having an orgasm releases happiness-boosting chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin in our brains. So, it’s totally possible to reap the well-being benefits of sex without having penetrative intercourse.

2. Try “lazy” positions

In this sense, “lazy” is not meant to convey a negative feeling. It’s more so a way to depict the amount of energy that goes into sex when you’re tired. “Lazy sex is good sex, because all sex leads to feeling more desire for connection,” Dr. Chavez says.

“Lazy sex is good sex, because all sex leads to feeling more desire for connection.” —sex therapist Shannon Chavez, PsyD

Basically, it’s an expert-sanctioned excuse to take it easy on the advanced sex positions when you’re super sleepy.  “You want to choose a position that is the least amount of work necessary,” says Dr. Allison. For example, spooning can be a good go-to position for having sex when you’re tired because it doesn’t require much energy or agility—plus, it brings you physically close to your partner.

3. Try to have sex during the afternoon

If you and your partner work remotely, afternoon sex can be a real winner. At this time, we have naturally higher levels of alertness thanks to the hormone cortisol and lower levels of sleep hormone melatonin than at night. So, fitting daytime sex into your schedule may circumvent the feeling of “having to” have sex at the end of a long and draining day.

4. Give yourselves grace

Certain individuals may experience super-busy seasons at work, for example, and this may sometimes impact their bandwidth for sex. For example, if your partner has a presentation coming up they’ve been preparing for months, or you just launched your business, your sex life may lag a bit in light of those energy-absorbing realities. In cases like these, give yourselves a break and stay in communication about how you plan to prioritize your relationship—sexually or otherwise. After all, it’s important to not make sex feel like a chore or another item on an already super-long to-do list.

“During busy seasons, be realistic with the schedule and know that this particular month might be difficult or different. Give yourself some grace,” says Dr. Allison.

5. Prioritize intimacy

Whether it’s a busy season or not, make sex and intimacy a priority; something you want and need to do as opposed to something you have to do. Part of this means not leaving it as the last thing you do in a day, after all your chores and to-dos are finished. Otherwise, sex unfortunately often slips through the cracks because, well, you’re just too tired after doing everything else.

The key here? Both partners should agree that no matter what, even if each is exhausted, they’ll make time for intimate connection. Even if it’s a couple of minutes of eye gazing and not an orgasm-inducing activity, says Dr. Chavez.

6. Try having slower sex

“Slow sex can be some of the best sex,” says Dr. Chavez. And because you’re moving slower, you’re exerting less energy, which can ease anxiety about having sex when you’re just so damn tired.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

6 confidence-boosting sex positions for when you’re feeling shy about your body or sexpertise

By Ashley Laderer

  • If you’re lacking confidence in bed, try starting with a simple position like missionary.
  • Reverse cowgirl and doggy style can be great for people who are self-conscious of their belly area.
  • For a little more adventure without going too wild, try the leapfrog or the lotus position. 

If you feel self-conscious during sex, you’re not alone. Sex can bring up lots of insecurities — about body image, sexual inexperience, and more.

In fact, one survey found that 82% of men and 91% of women don’t always feel confident about their bodies when having sex, and 86% of men and 89% of women don’t always feel confident in their sexual ability.

It’s important to note that while the sex positions listed below are ones that don’t require a ton of sexual prowess and where you can control how much of your body is exposed, learning to have a positive body image can boost your mental health.

Understand that comparing yourself to people you see on social media can lead to unhealthy, debilitating habits like eating disorders. Therefore, if you’re reading this because you’re ashamed of how your body looks, it’s important to take steps to love yourself.

In the meantime, as you are building your confidence and self-respect, you can try out some of the following sex positions for some variety and excitement.

1. Missionary

Missionary is a tried and true sex position. Your bodies will be right up against each other and you’ll be face to face, meaning your partner won’t be seeing too much of your body, says Melinda DeSeta, LMHC, certified sex therapist at Insight Counseling Center Miami.

Plus, this position is super simple, making it a great choice if you’re not confident in your sexual abilities.

To get into missionary, follow these steps:

  1. The partner being penetrated lies flat on their back.
  2. The penetrating partner gets on top, lying directly on top of their partner, and enters.

2. Reverse cowgirl

If you’re the partner being penetrated and you’re self-conscious of your belly or breasts, being on top can feel intimidating. Instead of traditional cowgirl, DeSeta suggests trying reverse cowgirl. 

To get into reverse cowgirl, follow these steps:

1. The penetrating partner lies flat on their back.

  • The partner being penetrated straddles their partner over their pelvis region, facing away from their partner.

    • 3. Doggy style

    Doggy is another tried and true position that’s simple and easy to do, even for those who are sexually inexperienced, says Ditza Katz, PT, PhD, clinical sexologist at the Women’s Therapy Center.

    Plus, neither partner’s body will be on full display.

    To get into doggy style, follow these steps:

    1. The partner being penetrated gets on all fours. If it’s more comfortable, they can then lower down onto their elbows.
    2. The penetrating partner kneels behind their partner and enters. 

    4. Leapfrog

    The leapfrog is a doggy style variation that may allow you to focus more on pleasure, rather than stewing about how your body looks to your partner.

    The altered shape of leapfrog can feel a bit more sexually adventurous than doggy (while still being simple), so you can boost your sexual self-esteem.

    To get into leapfrog, follow these steps:

    1. The partner being penetrated gets on all fours and then stretches their arms out in front of them, so their chest is down towards the bed and they are resting their head down on the bed or a pillow.
    2. The penetrating partner kneels behind their partner and enters. 

    5. Spooning

    For another position where neither partner’s body is too exposed, Katz recommends a side by side spooning position.

    To get in this position, follow these steps:

    1. Both partners lie on the same side so they are spooning, flush against each other.
    2. The penetrating partner enters from behind (they may need to slide down a bit or adjust their positioning so the pelvises will be aligned for penetration). 

    6. Lotus

    The lotus is another position where your partner won’t see too much of your body (and vice versa), says DeSeta.

    It’s also simple to do, but since you’ll be sitting upright, you might feel a little bit more adventurous than you would in a position like missionary, which can help improve your sexual confidence. To get in this position, follow these steps:

    1. The penetrating partner sits down with their legs crossed.
    2. The partner being penetrated straddles and sits on their partner’s lap, wrapping their legs around them.
    3. Maneuver your bodies so you’re aligned for penetration.

    Insider’s takeaway

    Don’t let your lack of confidence hold you back from having, and more importantly, enjoying sex. You deserve to feel pleasure and have fun in bed.

    Try out these positions and see what works best for you and makes you feel the most confident.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

    Posted on

    How Cancer Changed My Sex Life

    By Elizabeth Bennett

    When Rebecca, 31, was diagnosed with breast cancer in early 2019, her sex life with her partner was a welcome distraction. “We were like teenagers again. There’s nothing like being faced with your own mortality to make you want to feel alive and nothing makes you feel more alive than having sex,” she said. “With cancer I felt let down by my body and sex became a way of reconciling myself with it. It became a psychological thing I needed to do,” she added.

    However, when Rebecca started chemo, the treatment affected her sex life. Specifically, she suffered from vaginal dryness and then vaginismus, a condition where the vaginal muscles tighten up, preventing penetration. “When I asked my doctor about whether it was a side effect of chemo, she didn’t know how common it was because no one talks about it.”

    Although one in two people in Canada will be diagnosed with some form of cancer during their lifetime, its impact on sex and intimacy is rarely talked about in the medical field, let alone wider society. Naturally, going through cancer treatment impacts your sexual life in myriad ways. “The most common difficulties for women I see are loss of sexual desire, difficulties becoming sexually aroused or vaginal changes such as pain,” explained Isabel White, a COSRT senior accredited psychosexual therapist who specializes in working with people who have or have had cancer.

    Issues stem from both the physical and the mental repercussions of treatment. “It can be a physical origin such as treatment-induced menopause that’s very common after hormonal breast cancers, or mental health issues. Low mood and anxiety are two conditions found more commonly in cancer patients versus the general population and these have a significant adverse effect on sexual wellbeing.” Body changes can have a huge effect too. “Hair loss, weight change or loss of body parts associated with eroticism can adversely affect body confidence and the ability to connect with people when being sexually intimate,” Isabel added.

    For Bronte, who was diagnosed with leukaemia aged 21, the physical toll of her illness made continuing her sex life with her boyfriend of two years really hard. “I was often exhausted when I was able to see my partner, or just really ill, and the last thing on my mind was taking my clothes off. With so many changes happening to my body I experienced a lot of body image and identity issues which made me hate myself a lot of the time and feel completely disconnected from what I saw in the mirror. This really impacted our intimacy because I simply didn’t feel comfortable in my skin, let alone feel sexy.”

    The practical elements of being ill were tricky to navigate, too. “We were both at uni so when I was diagnosed I went back to my parents’ for treatment, which meant we were a three-hour journey away from each other,” Bronte explained. Rediscovering her sex life has been a long process. “Three years later I’m still slowly rebuilding and discovering new interests and desires. As I discovered myself again and recognized my reflection I became more confident and the intimacy naturally followed. It did take an extremely long time for my libido to build back up and I’m so lucky to have a super supportive partner who stuck with me through it all.”

    Some cancer patients are advised to avoid sex altogether. Maria, who was diagnosed with leukaemia aged 17, was told to completely refrain from any sexual activity due to the risk of infection. “It was like a hypothetical chastity belt,” she said. Single at the time, she found her libido had ​​also completely diminished. “Previously I would think about romance and sexual activity a lot but that completely disappeared,” she added. During this time she also worried about how she would date again. “I started to get depressed thinking about it and thought I wouldn’t be good enough for anyone again since I didn’t think I could ‘perform’ or live up to a guy’s expectations.”

    Kimia, now 30, also struggled with dating after suffering from non-Hodgkin lymphoma aged 21. “At first I was worried about dating again but as my confidence increased after coming out as bi, I thought, This is me, and if prospective partners act weird about my cancer history, then whatever. As soon as people see my scars, I tell them the full story,” she explained. “Luckily, I’m now in a loving relationship with someone who doesn’t treat me differently,” she added.

    For some women, reconnecting with their sexuality after cancer is made harder by the drugs they are prescribed to prevent cancer from returning. Joon, who was diagnosed with breast cancer aged 37, has to take tamoxifen for up to 10 years. This very commonly prescribed drug induces early menopause. “It feels like your most intimate life – your skin, sexuality and intimacy with your partner – go out the window. You feel like an old woman,” she told us. “I had a healthy sex life before but suddenly I didn’t want to have sex anymore. Vaginal dryness is also a real bummer.”

    Unlike male treatments (for example, Viagra), there are fewer options for women in terms of drugs that can improve sex life. Like so many areas of female health, the gap here is significant. “It’s harder to get funding for research into sexual difficulties in women versus men as a lot of money comes from pharmaceutical companies,” Isabel points out.

    In 2010, Isabel was appointed by the Royal Marsden in London (the UK’s top cancer hospital) as its first in-house psychosexual therapist – a position created in response to patient demand. Therapists like Isabel are available in some NHS hospitals but not everywhere or for everyone going through cancer. With cuts to NHS funding, these sorts of services are often the first to go. Alongside the need for greater sexual health resources, Isabel highlights the importance of more research into this area, especially from a female perspective.

    The lack of knowledge in this field comes up again and again when I speak to women who have had cancer. Twenty-four-year-old Lynsey was surprised by how little information about contraception was provided when she was diagnosed with breast cancer at the beginning of 2021. As her cancer was hormonal she had to stop taking the contraceptive pill. “They make it really clear you can’t get pregnant during your cancer treatment but no one gave me much advice on alternatives. In the end I phoned the sexual health services, who suggested the non-hormonal coil,” she explained. When Lynsey started chemo, she also struggled to find information about safe sex practices. “It’s suggested you use condoms because of the drugs going around your body but no one seems to really know whether that’s just straight after chemo or up to a week after,” she said. “It’s concerning that there is not more research or information on this,” she added.

    Finding support can be life-changing. During her treatment for leukaemia, Maria had access to a women’s health clinic run by a nurse with whom she felt comfortable discussing her sexuality. “Although the information was catered to older female patients, it still gave me some confidence. If it wasn’t for that nurse’s advice I don’t think I would have the confidence to dive back into masturbation or dating.”

    Thanks to some women, the narrative around sex and cancer is hopefully set to change. “We need to talk about it so women don’t feel embarrassed and the medical community knows it’s an important issue,” Rebecca explained. As a producer at ethical adult filmmaker Erika Lust, Rebecca decided to use her position to change the current conversation.

    “I wanted to make a film about cancer without death. Culturally we are 30 years behind where we are with cancer medically. We still see cancer as a death sentence and it’s just not the case,” she said. After all, there’s an 87% survival rate for young people experiencing cancer. “Sex in society is one taboo, female sexuality is another taboo, put on top of that sexuality when [you have cancer] and it’s a triple taboo,” she said. Inspired by her own experience, Wash Me is an intimate and hopeful portrait of a woman rediscovering her body and desire after cancer. The film aims to raise awareness of the intimacy struggles faced by people with serious illnesses while inspiring others who are going through cancer treatment not to give up on their sexuality but claim it back.

    Joon also aims to shift the narrative with her platform sexwithcancer.com. Created with friend, fellow artist and former cancer patient Brian Lobel, it’s a sex shop, a resource for peer-led advice, a platform for artist work and a place to explore journeys around cancer that are harder to dive into. “We need to start thinking about cancer as a chronic condition like mental health or diabetes. We need to think beyond survival about how we live more fully as whole human beings,” she explained. “Pleasure and intimacy are so much about life and what is the point in living if you are just surviving?”

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

    Posted on

    When Anxiety Joins You in Bed

    Performance anxiety during sex can be a dreadful experience. But there are ways to manage it.

    by Stephanie A. Wright, RN, BSN and Sandra Silva Casabianca

    Sex can be more than just the physical aspect. Emotions, hopes, and fears may also be involved.

    Sometimes, personal challenges and insecurities can make you apprehensive about your sexual performance.

    Though sexual performance anxiety isn’t a formal diagnosis, it can still be a valid reality for you. But there are a few ways you can learn to manage sexual performance anxiety.

    What is performance anxiety?

    Performance anxiety refers to significant worry and fear about your ability to execute a specific task. It may also involve concern about how others perceive you.

    Performance anxiety is what some people call “stage fright.”

    Performance anxiety isn’t a formal mental health diagnosis, but it’s part of social anxiety disorder. This disorder is characterized by fear of social situations in which an individual feels they’ll be exposed to possible scrutiny from others.

    You can experience social anxiety:

    • being around strangers
    • having conversations
    • during public speaking

    Performance anxiety can manifest in many ways. Not everyone will feel and behave the same when having anxiety about performance situations, so you may not relate to every symptom listed here.

    Some common symptoms may include:

    • negative thoughts about oneself
    • blushing and rapid heart rate
    • nausea and vomiting
    • excessive sweating
    • difficulty speaking
    • dizziness
    • intense worry
    • situation avoidance

    Feeling anxiety from time to time is expected. But if you live with any anxiety disorder, you might have persistent symptoms that occur during different situations.

    If you live with social anxiety, you might constantly worry about how others perceive you and how you navigate social situations.

    Sexual performance and anxiety

    Sexual performance anxiety refers to the fear of not being able to perform adequately during a sexual encounter. “Adequately” can mean different things to different people. What matters, though, is what you think that involves.

    You may feel you won’t be able to meet your partner’s sexual preferences or experiences, which may cause you to have anxiety, for example.

    On many occasions, particularly for men, sexual performance anxiety could impact becoming aroused and physically responding to sexual stimulation. This could confirm in your mind that you might not be able to perform well.

    Sexual performance anxiety could manifest in many ways, including:

    Men and women can experience sexual performance anxiety, and some may experience orgasm anxiety as well.

    Literature reviews from 2000 to 2018 found that 9% to 25% of men experience anxiety associated with their sexual performance. In many cases, this anxiety was linked to symptoms of erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation.

    The same reviews found that women with sexual performance anxiety account for an estimated 6% to 16% of the female population, and anxiety often manifests as a low sex drive. Anxiety can also prevent females from experiencing orgasm.

    Causes of sexual performance anxiety

    You may experience sexual performance anxiety for many reasons, including:

    • past experiences
    • biology
    • your upbringing
    • traumatic events

    Living with anxiety disorders may also make it more likely that you experience symptoms related to performance.

    Personal concerns and expectations may also cause you to have anxiety. But what causes you to experience anxiety may not cause others to have anxiety.

    You may feel anxiety about your sexual performance during the first few times you have sex or when you’re just beginning a new partnership.

    You could have questions like:

    • Can I trust my partner?
    • Will we become pregnant?
    • Should we wear protection?
    • What will my partner think if I cannot perform?
    • Will they like my body?
    • Do they love me?

    Other contributing factors to sexual performance anxiety may include:

    • low self-esteem
    • orgasm anxiety or difficulty in achieving orgasm
    • pain with intercourse
    • decreased sexual drive
    • depression
    • pain chronic conditions
    • changes in physical appearance
    • anxiety disorders
    • trauma

    PSYCH CENTRAL RESOURCES

    Setting better boundaries starts here

    Learn more about defining boundaries in your relationships, practicing consistency, and living with intention with our limited series.

    How to manage sexual performance anxiety

    A mental health professional can help you explore the whys behind your symptoms of sexual performance anxiety and structure a treatment plan that works for you.

    If your symptoms are linked to a specific situation, such as a new partnership, you may find that performance anxiety subsides as you become more comfortable with them.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

    Posted on

    A Simple Way For Couples To Know If They’re Having Enough Sex

    By Kelly Gonsalves

    Are we having enough sex?

    If you’ve ever wondered this to yourself while in a relationship, you certainly wouldn’t be alone. Oftentimes the question comes up when there’s a feeling of disconnection in the relationship—a lack of excitement or “spark” between you—and a lack of sex may float to mind as a potential explanation.

    But other times, people might feel pretty satisfied and content in their relationships, but outside influences—like hearing other people talk about how much or how little sex they’re having in their relationships—can make you start to question your own.

    So we asked Jessa Zimmerman, M.A., an AASECT-certified sex therapist and marriage counselor, what she tells couples wondering about the amount of sex they are or aren’t having.

    How much sex is “enough” for a healthy relationship?

    First things first: Enough for who?

    Zimmerman recommends thinking about how you’re defining the word “enough.” Is it based on comparisons with other people’s sex lives and trying to see if you’re “normal”?

    “There is no normal. There is no ‘right’ amount of sex,” she says.

    There’s no one magic number that will work for every single pair of people, and how often couples should be having sex will always vary depending on the specific needs of the specific people involved. Some people feel perfectly satisfied with sex once every few months, whereas others would consider that basically a sexless relationship. And of course, some people like having a sexless relationship, whether because they’re on the asexual spectrum or just prefer it that way. It all depends on the individual, and all preferences are valid.

    Sometimes people might feel like they’re not having enough sex because they’re comparing their relationship to how it’s been in the past, Zimmerman adds, but even a decline in frequency doesn’t necessarily mean there’s a problem. “It’s normal for our sexual interest to change over time and to feel less intense desire,” she explains. Sometimes you’re just in a period of time when you don’t feel like having sex, and that’s perfectly OK.

    The real question, she notes, is whether each partner individually feels like they’re having a satisfying amount of sex—whatever that looks like to them personally. Do you feel satisfied with your sex life as it is right now? Does your partner?

    A helpful check-in.

    One issue with the question of “how much sex is enough sex” is that it places the focus on the wrong thing, according to Zimmerman.

    “I mean, what counts as sex anyway? If you’re focused on ‘the act’ (whatever that is for you) and the frequency of such, then you’re focused on the wrong thing,” she says. “It’s not just about ‘getting it done’ or checking the box. The point of sex, from my point of view, is to share pleasure with your partner and to feel connected in the process, no matter what you do with your body parts and what the end result is.”

    It’s less about whether you and your partner are engaging in a certain act a certain number of times. It’s about how connected the two of you feel and how much pleasure you’re getting to enjoy in your relationship.

    So with that in mind, Zimmerman recommends asking yourself a more important question: Am I (and is my partner) having enough pleasure and connection?

    “Consider whether you’d like more pleasure and whether you feel enough connection in your relationship. And ask your partner about whether they’d like more of those things,” she explains. “If so, prioritize that.”

    That might mean having more sex more often, or any other number of ways to creatively bridge the gap. The point, as it always is when it comes to sex: Just focus on doing what actually makes you and your partner feel good.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

    Posted on

    What No One Tells You About Sex After Breast Cancer

    Treatment can rob women of their breasts, libidos, and self-confidence — here’s how they’re reclaiming their sex lives in the face of it all.

    By Jessica Zucker

    Carmen Risi, 40, knew there was a good chance she’d one day sit across from a doctor and hear that she had cancer. Her grandmother died from breast cancer, her mother and aunt were both diagnosed with ovarian cancer, and in 2019 she found out she was positive for the BRCA1 gene — an inherited variant that puts people at a much higher risk of developing certain cancers. As a result, Risi spent two years undergoing routine cancer monitoring — every six months, she’d receive an MRI or a mammogram.

    In April of 2021, one such MRI found what Risi would later learn was breast cancer.

    In addition to six grueling rounds of chemotherapy, Risi decided to take a hormone therapy shot, in order to preserve her fertility in the hopes of soon growing her family — she started IVF before treatment began and has plans for an embryo transfer once she’s done.

    One major side effect of the drug? The loss of her sex life as she knew it.

    “Lupron has put me into a temporary menopause — complete with hot flashes and a vagina that has completely atrophied,” Risi explains. She wasn’t exactly given a heads up, either. “I have pages of notes about the side effects these various drugs will have on me that I was handed by my doctor,” Risi says. “But there were no notes on how it would affect my sex life. None.”

    Shari Goldfarb, M.D., an oncologist specializing in breast cancer at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center, says many women simply don’t realize the sexual side effects that come along with various breast cancer treatments. That’s why she makes sure to discuss with her patients, upfront, the possibility of menopausal symptoms and sexual challenges, such as vaginal dryness and decreased libido. She also encourages her patients to be proactive by using non-hormonal moisturizers, lube, vaginal dilators, and vibrators to make them feel more comfortable about having penetrative sex when they’re ready.

    But the emotional side effects can be just as jarring. The temporary menopause combined with the loss of libido thrust Risi into a deep depression that she says left her thinking, “‘What’s wrong with me?'”

    Madeline Cooper, LCSW, a psychotherapist and certified sex therapist, says it’s common for cancer patients to experience depression — as well as other mental health struggles — as a result of receiving a cancer diagnosis. “The first thing I tell my clients is that it is normal to go through a grief and mourning period,” Cooper tells InStyle. Being slapped with a breast cancer diagnosis that, for some, is intimately wrapped up in one’s identity as a woman, can affect so many parts of her life: a change in her body, expression of sensuality, sexual desire, pleasure, body image, the list goes on. “You might need to adapt to a new sexual style with your partner, and this might feel like a loss.”

    Of course, not everyone already has a committed romantic partner in their life when they receive their cancer diagnosis and undergo treatment. Chiara Riga was a single 27-year-old when she was told last year that she had stage 4, metastatic breast cancer. While her healthcare providers believe she has between 10 to 15 years to live, her diagnosis is terminal, which, needless to say, makes dating — and sex — particularly fraught.

    “I’m casually using dating apps, but there are so many different layers to what makes it a struggle for me,” Riga tells InStyle. “There’s the first layer, which is zero libido. Kids are off the table for me, too — certainly biological kids, but there’s also the ethics of adopting a child knowing that my disease is terminal. Then there’s the issue of ‘when do you disclose?’ and ‘how do I disclose?’ I want to date in order to be able to escape this dark reality I’m living in.”

    Part of Riga’s treatment, which she will undergo until the end of her life, suppresses her ovaries and estrogen, because her cancer is hormone-fed. This means she is in full-blown menopause, which has essentially eradicated her desire to have sex. And while Riga says she actually doesn’t miss it, the want and ability to have sex would make her dating life much simpler and a hell of a lot more fun. Breast cancer, in a sense, has eliminated frivolous sexual encounters, by shifting the focus from sexual pleasure to long-term support through partnership.

    “Who in their late twenties or early thirties is looking for ‘just a partner’? I think [wanting to have sex] would make dating much easier for me,” she explains. “And I do think for the right person, the right relationship really, I’d try to figure something out. I just haven’t found the right person for that yet.”

    Even for those who do have a long-term partner — and a libido — to navigate the process with, redefining what sex looks like after breast cancer takes effort. For Risi, that meant finding other ways to experience orgasm (ahem, clitoral stimulation) with her partner once penetrative sex became too painful during chemotherapy. And after her forthcoming double mastectomy, Risi knows she’ll have to contend with not just the loss of her breasts, but the sexual pleasure they bring her. “I don’t want to lose my breasts. I don’t want to lose feeling. My breasts [stimulate me sexually], so to lose that forever is incredibly daunting,” she says, despite knowing it’s the best decision based on her risk factors.

    According to Cooper, this reaction is common. Cancer treatments can often be associated with many types of “loss” — be it loss of libido, breasts, hair, a sense of sexiness, comfort in one’s body, identity even — and that loss, even if some are temporary, can be overwhelming at best.

    “Breasts and hair can [contribute to] a woman feeling sexy and confident about her body, and this might shift with the loss of either,” she explains. “These changes could cause one’s body image to become a source of feeling turned off rather than turning herself on, and this can reduce sexual desire overall.”

    Learning to love her body and reconnect with her sexual desire is something that Mary Purdie, 38, was already contending with when she was hit with the whiplash of breast cancer in January of 2018. In fact, it was during a new morning ritual — looking at her naked body in the mirror — that she first noticed a lump in her breast. “I was trying to appreciate my body, even though it was causing me so much pain,” Purdie tells InStyle.

    After she was diagnosed with stage 1A invasive ductal carcinoma, she underwent a lumpectomy, radiation, and multiple rounds of chemotherapy. She was also put on a long-term hormone-blocking treatment called tamoxifen — a daily oral medication she has to take for at least five years. And while she was able to keep her breasts, and therefore felt more physically “whole” — her libido went out the window.

    “Our sex life was already kind of on shaky ground after the last miscarriage, because my body had gone through so much and most of the sex that we were having in the past year or two was strictly for the sake of conceiving and not really for pleasure in any sort of organic way — it was scheduled,” Purdie explains. “So going from that to cancer treatment, it was like, ‘Well, how do we even get back to the honeymoon phase?'”

    For Purdie, it was by allowing her husband (of three and a half years at the time) to take care of her. “I was generally the person who was cooking and cleaning. I took care of our house. But that all changed when I was going through chemo — he did everything all of a sudden,” she says. “And those acts of service helped to build intimacy. I could just lay there and be miserable and I knew he was going to take care of me, and that was such a huge showing of his love.”

    According to Dr. Goldfarb, experiencing this kind of non-sexual, emotional support from a partner tends to increase the amount of intimacy a patient feels during and after treatment — and can indirectly benefit their sex life too. “Assurances like ‘I love you unconditionally’ and ‘I’m in this with you — I am here to support you through this’ are really important, because patients often worry that a cancer diagnosis will [damage] their relationships,” Dr. Goldfarb adds. “I have seen relationships get closer in times of turmoil and illness when significant others are supportive.”

    She says that in addition to simply being there — reminding her to take her medications, sitting with her through chemotherapy treatments, cooking, cleaning — her husband’s patience and attention to the little things also helped, not just in making her feel closer to him but making her feel more comfortable in her body and, eventually, being sexual. He deferred to her in bed — he let her take the lead.

    “In the evenings it would often turn into a moment together that, even if it was brief, was a chance for us to be physically intimate,” she adds. “It felt good to tap into that sense of normalcy that we had before cancer and before miscarriages.”

    Risi is also determined to maintain her sex life — no matter what changes to her body breast cancer may bring. She grew up in what she describes as a conservative Christian community where women were “taught to be modest” and that “sexuality wasn’t something you should even think about until you’re married.” Risi got married at 28, and says that, as a result, she spent years muting her own sexuality.

    “I’m so mad that I lost a part of my sexuality to religion in my youth, and I’m losing sexual function and desire to cancer. It’s maddening,” she adds. “But I know my husband will still want to love and touch on whatever my new breasts are, even if I don’t have a specific feeling there. And I think I will enjoy that, because there’s intimacy there, even if there isn’t sensation.”

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

    Posted on

    What Does It Really Mean To Be A Bottom?

    By Gina Tonic

    I remember a Tumblr post that changed my view of vaginas forever, as Tumblr posts are wont to do when you’re 16 years old and on the family computer late at night. The user was analysing the semantics of how we talk about sex. Why, they wanted to know, is sex always considered to be a penis penetrating a vagina? Why are penises always dominant but vaginas always submissive? What if we flip the narrative? What if the vagina envelops or engulfs the phallus? What if the penis is the submissive one of the pair?

    This heteronormative example can be easily applied to queer relationships, too. The one who receives is the ‘bottom’, the one who gives is the ‘top’. The language lends itself to the stereotypes that the former is the submissive and the latter is the dominant. Indeed, the labels ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ are often used interchangeably with the labels ‘dom’ and ‘sub’ – but is this always true? And is it a fair assumption?

    In 2018 an Autostraddle survey discovered that 47.4% of lesbian bottoms prefer not to be actively ‘in control’ during intercourse and only 41% of bottoms identified themselves as kinky.

    Nate, a trans man who identifies as a switch, contributed to the survey with an important clarification: “Bottoming definitely doesn’t automatically mean anything kinky (same for topping), while submissive (and dominant) mean something more specifically related to kink and power play.”

    I think what tops do – give rather than receive – can definitely be more submissive than bottoming.
    Bethan, 26

    Fran, 25, a submissive queer woman from London, believes this distinction is incredibly important not just for shagging purposes but also on a queer liberation front. “Top and bottom are umbrella terms for giving and receiving,” she tells me. “But I feel these terms stem from attempts of fitting WLW (women-loving-women) relationships into a heteronormative stereotype. I strongly oppose this so I prefer to call myself submissive instead of a bottom.”

    Once again the stereotype is that receiving is a traditionally female act in heterosexual relationships and, in turn, being the ‘woman’ of the relationship is an inherently submissive role. This conflation stinks of sexism of a bygone era where woman is seen as lesser than man and so to receive is to be weaker, too.

    Lucy Rowett, a UK clinical sexologist working with sexual wellness brand Pleasy Play, asks us to reconsider the act of bottoming and submissiveness in general as a rebellion against outdated gender roles. “Remember that if you are in a lesbian relationship or you are a queer woman, you are already defying gender roles and expectations. What if you could embrace being a bottom as another form of defiance against this and being true to yourself?” she enthuses.

    “Regardless of sexuality or gender, of whether kink such as BDSM is involved, the more bottoms or submissives you speak to, you’ll find a commonality: they share a feeling of freedom,” she adds.

    In short, she says, by embracing acts that only bring us pleasure, that bring us freedom, we can find a subversive kind of liberation and power in being a submissive or a bottom.

    However it isn’t always true that a woman is the ‘receiver’ in a heteronormative relationship. It is possible for two cis straight or bisexual people to be in a relationship where the man prefers to receive and the woman prefers to give (see: pegging).

    So what to do? The problem with dismissing these labels as ‘heterosexual’ reminds me of the 1970s lesbian feminists who rallied against ‘butch’ and ‘femme’ monickers, arguing that they mimicked straight relationship roles. That’s a discourse that remains controversial today but is an outdated way of looking at queerness. The identities of femme and butch remain important to our community, our history and our identities. Dismissing the labels ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ from queer language altogether feels, to me, like a repetition of these past mistakes.

    “I think the act of giving is more submissive,” says 26-year-old Bethan, a submissive bisexual based in London. “What tops do – give, rather than receive – can definitely be more submissive… Like if a woman is sitting on your face and using you for her pleasure, that feels like a dominant act.”

    Again, the language we use to describe our sexual gratification plays an important role. Does a bottom ‘receive’ or do they ‘take’? To push this idea further, the submissive in a kink relationship has the ultimate power over the sexual play taking place. They are the one setting boundaries, expressing what they want and having a safe word. When all is said and done, they are the decision-maker in the bedroom. The fun comes from pretending that they are not in charge at all.

    @theayapapaya My humor lately has only consisted of pegging jokes I’m sorry #fyp #foryoupage #superbowlliv #couplegoals #groupchat #boyfriend♬ original sound – teresaatm_

    You’ll find this idea in the pop culture that is developing around pegging, too. Pegging memes suggest that there are a lot more men who adore penetration than our limited secondary school sex education allowed us to imagine. Traditionally, there has been a lot of stigma surrounding pegging too. The same problem that lesbians describe with the ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ dynamic is repeated here: assuming that being penetrated equals submission implies that taking on the ‘female’ role is automatically a submissive act. This not only couches submissiveness as a negative but implies that being female is a negative, too. The reality is that submission and being a woman do not necessarily go hand in hand; otherwise, as Fran puts it, “you would never see female doms.”

    @blaire_gamemy man’s says hi tiktok #LiftYourDream #18plus #pegtok♬ There is very little left of me – Larsen

    Jessica*, a 28-year-old submissive woman from Manchester who also likes to don strap-ons, explains that pegging does not have to be a part of power play at all. “I have always been submissive in bed, to the point where being dominant makes me feel extremely uncomfortable,” she tells me. “That said, I really loved pegging my ex-boyfriend – who was also my dom – and it didn’t take away from my submissiveness at all.”

    “As our relationship dynamic was already firmly set, it felt natural and even submissive in a certain sense to be the one giving him pleasure in such an intimate way,” she continues. “Although many people who want to be pegged may be submissive, I think it is important to recognise that it is possible to peg without giving up those subby feelings.”

    Ness Cooper, a sexologist who works as a sex and relationship coach at The Sex Consultant, confirms that decisions about who tops, who bottoms, who doms and who subs can only be made by those within the relationship. “If you’re both into power play consensually then sure, use the terms ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ freely if you prefer them to ‘dom’ and ‘sub’,” she says.

    Ness continues to highlight the importance of looking within your relationship and deciding what works for you. “Remember we are influenced greatly by what we see and read outside in the world when it comes to sexuality,” she continues, “but taking time to learn about yourself can be helpful as no one else knows fully about your world when it comes to how you see sexuality and sex.”

    What’s more, the only people who need to know how you describe your sexuality and how you interact with sex are the ones you are being intimate with. A label is far from a cause to force yourself into participating in a dynamic you might not be enjoying or even comfortable with. As long as the sex you’re having is consensual and pleasurable, titles can mean whatever you want them to mean.

    As Jessica and Ness lay out, the dynamic between a couple – be that top and bottom, dom and sub or any other kind of role you like to take on – is as unique as the relationship. Lumping labels together only diminishes the highly personal nature of each connection and can lead to invalidating those who don’t fit in with strict definitions of sex and kink roles.

    *Name changed to protect identity Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

    Posted on

    Has your relationship lost its sexual spark?

    Here’s how to bring it back and escape your dry spell

    Don’t panic if you’re in a dry spell

    By

    Feel like your relationship is in a rut, sex-wise?

    You’re certainly not alone.

    When you’ve been in a relationship for a while, it’s natural for your sex life to go through ups and downs.

    But when you’re in a low point, things can feel a bit dismal.

    A recent survey from Burton Constable Holiday Park (don’t ask us why they’re doing this bit of research, we’re not sure either) found that 22% of respondents said their relationship spark had disappeared.

    The number one cause given for this? A lack of physical affection. Perhaps PDA is worth giving a go… or just more physical intimacy at home, if you’re not keen on putting on a display.

    Other reasons confessed for a lull included not going on enough dates with their partner, a shortage of communication, and not having enough one-on-one time.

    Relationship expert Hayley Quinn suggested that to remedy this issue, couples should go on regular holidays together.*

    *Okay, now we understand why a holiday park commissioned this research.

    ‘I don’t think many couples put the time and effort into reigniting romance, which isn’t a criticism; it’s difficult when you have to deal with life admin,’ says Hayley. ‘Spending time to create romance easily falls to the bottom of the pile.’

    While a romantic getaway does sound nice, it’s not your only option for escaping a sexual dry spell.

    We chatted with relationship expert and author Lucy Beresford for her wisdom.

    Try not to take a dry spell personally

    There are so, so many reasons why sex might not be happening as frequently as it used to. Don’t jump to conclusions.

    Lucy tells Metro.co.uk: ‘Recognise that sex is complex and may be about stress or lack of confidence on the part of your partner, so less to do with you and how desirable you are.

    ‘Focus on adoring yourself and treating yourself with love and respect, so that you are not reliant on how your partner feels about you.’

    Have an honest conversation

    It’s tough when you feel like you’re the only one struggling with your relationship’s lack of sexual passion.

    The first step to sorting this out is acknowledging that there’s an issue.

    ‘The right amount of sex is different for every couple, so start by having conversations about the current situation to find out how your partner feels and to state your own needs gently,’ Lucy says.

    ‘Make sure you have these conversations when you both have time to give each other space to state your needs and listen to each other, and keep the focus positive and with no judgement or blame.

    ‘Explore whether your partner feels the lack of sex is because of a non-sexual relationship issue. For example if they feel you’re distracted, not making time for them, or not supporting them emotionally, you both need to work together on that issue first.’

    Ditch guilt, blame, and shame

    Stop beating yourself up for not having an allnight sex session every other day.

    ‘Remember that we often make the mistake of believing everyone else – particularly people we see on social media – have the perfect relationship with tons of sex,’ says Lucy. ‘But in truth, many couples haven’t had sex in weeks, months, or even since the pandemic started.

    ‘Studies show that as many as 15% of couples are suffering from a sexless relationship. So have compassion for all that you and your partner have gone through this past 18 months, and recognise that you are doing the right thing to address this now.’

    Check your language

    Related to the above, make sure that when you’re chatting with your partner about your sex life, you’re not assigning blame.

    Lucy advises: ‘Use ‘I’ phrases (“I have loved it when…”) rather than “you” phrases (‘you never/always…’). This can help avoid your partner feeling attacked or blamed.’

    Come up with some action points

    Sounds formal, we know, but make a concrete plan of how you’re going to bring back the sexual spark.

    Lucy suggests: ‘Examples include making a promise to always kiss before one of you leaves the house or gets back home, or take an evening to just focus on gazing at each other, or stroke each other, to take the pressure of feeling like you have to have full-on penetrative sex.’

    Take small steps to get more physical

    When you’re going through a dry spell, just initiating sex can feel like an impossible hurdle – especially if you’ve always relied on your partner to get things started.

    Get rid of the pressure by focusing on smaller acts of physical intimacy.

    ‘Skin-on-skin contact, whether it’s kissing, hand-holding, a massage, or stroking, has a hugely beneficial effect on strengthening the bond of affection, without ramping up the expectation that it has to be about sex,’ notes Lucy.

    ‘Baby steps as you both get back into the rhythm of sexual activity is more important than going straight for full-on intimacy.’

    Check in with your own confidence levels

    ‘Focus on your own body confidence, which may have slipped during the lack of sex,’ Lucy tells us.

    Make sure you’re feeling comfortable getting naked, and perhaps have some self-love time to get your self-image back to a healthy place.

    Focus on fun

    If you’re stressing out about having the ‘right’ amount of mindblowing sex, you’re on the wrong track.

    Get rid of the pressure to orgasm – or to even have penetrative sex, if that feels a bit much for you right now.

    Instead, challenge yourself and your partner to have some fun, get intimate, and see what feels good – no pressure, no rush.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

    Posted on

    The Common Sexual Health Issue You Probably Didn’t Know About

    By Ondine Jean-Baptiste

    Have you ever headed back to your date’s place after a sultry night out, ready to have a good time — only to struggle getting there physically? The connection is there, but you just cannot get yourself aroused no matter how much you want to. You might be left feeling embarrassed at this momentary impotence, kicking yourself for potentially signaling to the other party that you just aren’t that into them when it couldn’t be further from the truth. The technical term for this feeling is arousal non-concordance, which is essentially the disconnect between the mental or emotional response and the body’s response to sexual stimuli. In addition to the aforementioned scenario, arousal non-concordance can also refer to the opposite effect — when the body is responding physically to sexual activity or touches (vaginal lubrication, for example) but the desire is not there or the mind is saying no.

    Sexual wellness educator Catriona Lygate explains that while people often tend to use the words “desire” and “arousal” interchangeably, there is a marked difference between the two. By her definition, sexual arousal is a physical state of being, and something one can sometimes not have conscious control over. Desire on the other hand, is psychological. We can desire a second scoop of ice cream after dinner, less work hours, or the neighbor three doors down. This is a conscious want individuals do have control over.

    Learning and understanding the desire-arousal distinction are crucial in troubleshooting any issues in communication. Culturally, many are socialized to believe that talking about sexual likes and dislikes is awkward, embarrassing, and unnecessary; that if sexual chemistry is present, the people involved will naturally know how to please each other. In practice, this is not always the case. Arousal actually involves a tricky combination of many contextual factors such as your mood, headspace, your emotions about the relationship with the other person(s), and distinct turn-ons that play on your senses like smell, taste, and touch.

    Researcher and author Emily Nagoski popularized the term arousal non-concordance in 2015 when she first published Come As You Are; however this phenomenon has existed for as long as humans have been getting busy. To describe how sexual response works, in her book, Nagoski goes into the dual control model which involves a gas pedal and a brake. Any time your brain receives information that’s even slightly sex-related (like right now), it sends a signal varying in intensity to “hit the gas” and feel arousal. Simultaneously, your brain is also hitting the brakes based on all the external factors in the moment that may indicate it’s a bad idea to be turned on right now. She explains that being turned on relies on so much subjective messaging from our environment.

    Many have been in situations where they might not be in the mood for any sexual activity, but a caress or knowing touch in the right spot can elicit an instant response from their body. You might not want to become intimate, but physical changes can be interpreted otherwise. After understanding arousal non-concordance (the disconnect between mind and body reactions), however, it is evident that bodily arousal is not always an indicator as to whether someone wants to initiate or continue sexual acts.

    Nagoski actually digs into this further in a blogpost subsequent to her 2015 book, stating that genital response is, again, not primarily about desire or pleasure but sexual “relevance” (meaning presence of sexual stimuli). The stimulation that gets our bodies going in any given moment might be unwanted, but it has no true bearing on one’s sexual fantasies. If bodily arousal appears to be a false “green light” as previously mentioned, then arousal non-concordance is the yellow, signaling that it’s time to slow down and have a conversation. “It is crucial to know and remind yourself that you are not broken, damaged, or flawed if you experience arousal non-concordance,” shares psychologist and certified sex therapist Dr. Kate Balestrieri.

    What if the roles are reversed and it’s your partner who is aroused but verbally communicates they do not want to proceed? Listen and respect their limits. Dr. Balestrieri says, “Make note of the context in which you experience non-concordance, so you can be more readily prepared to discuss with a partner, set boundaries that align with your mental and emotional desire, and remain convicted of your own truth about non-consensual experiences.” And if your partner is not aroused but verbally communicates they do want to proceed? Focus on their pleasure. Use this time to ask them what they desire and focus on their erogenous zones during foreplay.

    For any instances of arousal non-concordance, the lesson here is to always communicate. If you are experiencing this issue in any form, confiding that information is important to establish understanding between you and your partner. It doesn’t have to ruin the vibe — this is the perfect opportunity to learn something new about each other by offering an alternative. Perhaps this moment helps you realize some sexual trauma ignored early on is resurfacing, and thus preventing you from feeling comfortable enough to take that next step of intimacy. “It can be helpful to work with a sex therapist or to seek assistance from an OB/GYN or urologist if you experience arousal non-concordance frequently, or if you feel distress as a result, especially if you have a history of trauma and feel confused by your body’s reaction,” Balestrieri recommends.

    At a time where sex seems on everyone’s minds after months of isolation and anxiety, talking about arousal non-concordance may ease any apprehension one might have about sexual satisfaction and can create realistic expectations when meeting someone new. Remember that genital response does not always equal sexual desire, and you should be looking for clear, verbal consent before getting down to business. Any temporary awkwardness is better than misconstruing what your sexual partner wants at that moment, and communication is key to making your partner feel safe and comfortable. Context is crucial when getting in the right frame of mind to set the mood, so don’t be shy — ask what your partner wants! When both pleasure and desire are present for all parties, it’s a guaranteed great time.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

    Posted on

    COVID Gave Me Germaphobia.

    Now I’m Reclaiming My Sexuality

    By Arese Sylvester

    I can’t remember a time I wasn’t interested in sex. As a child, I felt a sort of morbid curiosity towards it and I recognised it as the ‘ultimate sin’. The thing that would get me a ticket straight to hell. As time passed, my curiosity shifted. I was no longer scared, just intrigued and excited.

    As a queer Nigerian woman, I know firsthand the level of defiance it takes to explore sexuality. Not only because of the misogyny I have to deal with but also because finding opportunities and people to explore with is an entire battle. I revelled in my defiance though and sex soon became one of my favourite things to do. Rough sex, slow sex, edging, bondage – I tried it all.

    Then the pandemic happened and like so many others I had to adjust to a different reality that involved nosy and demanding family members. It wasn’t one I liked or wanted. It made me feel like life was being sucked out of my vagina. I didn’t think it was going to be so bad. Yes, I couldn’t be with any of my sexual partners but I had my fingers and I did a good job taking care of myself. But I soon realised that masturbating wasn’t going to be entirely possible.

    I am a bit of a perfectionist with my orgasms. There were a couple of details that I needed to get right if I hoped to get one. The most important was noise; I cannot orgasm if I can hear people talking. But with a family of five quarantining together, it was impossible to find personal time. I didn’t realise when I went a month without an orgasm. It was so unlike me but I brushed it off because by then I had a bigger problem.

    My mother had started going back into the office because we needed the money and every time she came home, she spent almost 30 minutes disinfecting. Her paranoia was contagious and I couldn’t help but mirror her anxiety. I was helping her to wipe down our doorknobs, restocking the hand sanitiser and pinching my brother’s ears every time he tried to play with the neighbour’s kid.

    In between all this, I simply did not have the energy to touch myself. This was made worse by the fact that despite my family’s best efforts, we caught COVID. The entire experience was demoralising. We had tried to do everything right yet here I was, faced with the possibility that these could be the last moments I spent with my high-risk parents. I doubled my efforts at cleaning. My attitude towards hygiene became obsessive, unnecessary and draining.

    COVID-19 led to a massive change in everyone’s lifestyle and our active avoidance of germs throughout the pandemic, though necessary, has undoubtedly left many of us feeling even more anxious about germs and contamination. Among those who are predisposed to anxiety, there’s been a recorded increase in obsessions and associated compulsions.

    My libido, which had been very active before the pandemic, had disintegrated and I was desperate to have it back. I wanted to feel like I had some control over this bizarre situation so I forced myself to masturbate. My first orgasm in four months was toe-curling and I had a huge smile on my face as I came down from my high.

    It felt good, really good, so my tears came as a surprise to me. Why was I crying? This was something I wanted, something I’d been praying for. But this terrible voice in my head kept asking if I’d washed my hands before I began. I knew I had but the thought had been planted and I struggled to uproot it. The shortness of breath came and in my panicked state I imagined my vagina rotting because I didn’t care enough not to get germs in her. I calmed down a few minutes later but the panic attack really scared me so I decided that I wouldn’t touch myself for a while. Of course that decision didn’t make me feel better.

    “When we rely on avoidance to reduce our anxiety, we do not give ourselves a chance to learn that we can tolerate our anxiety. We also continue to believe that the things we are avoiding are unsafe in some way,” says Alissa Jerud, licensed clinical psychologist and host of the Anxiety Savvy Podcast. “Our habit of avoiding gets stronger each time we avoid. Over time, we may find ourselves avoiding more and more, thus fuelling our anxiety in the long run and causing our worlds to continue to shrink.”

    It’s been a year since I made that decision not to touch myself and I’ve gone on to have numerous orgasms since then. They’ve all been self-inflicted and not nearly as satisfying. Things are still not the way they were and I doubt they ever will be. I haven’t had sex in approximately six months and I haven’t had good sex for even longer. The last time I tried, I bawled in my partner’s bathroom for an hour nonstop because: What if his penis was dirty? It was irrational, partly because we’d had a bath together, but it was enough to put me off sex. There’s nothing like a panic attack and a terrified man to kill your libido.

    I’ve realised that I shouldn’t have an identity crisis because I couldn’t have sex for a while. Why did I feel like I needed to jump back into having sex right after lockdown eased? The obsession with ‘going back to normal’ wasn’t healthy and I needed to address that. I felt like a child again, taking baby steps and trying to relearn intimacy.

    My hypersexuality told me that I needed to be the wild, sexual person I was before the pandemic. But I don’t have to be her anymore. I can be the girl who doesn’t remember how to kiss people or touch herself. The girl who’s trying to figure out if she still likes the stuff she used to like. I can have fun rediscovering myself – and I have been.

    Sexual chemistry used to be (and still is) such an important part of my attraction to a person but I’ve realised that there are other forms of intimacy and I am focused on building those first. It was easy to forget that I exist outside of the virus and that all the decisions I make don’t need to revolve around it. As long as I’m being safe, I can kiss people without feeling like I’m betraying myself.

    It’s impossible to tell how this will play out for me in the future but Alissa says that fear of germs has the potential to negatively impact the mental health and wellbeing of our society. “The avoidance that this fear pulls for could easily lead to an unravelling of the social connections that we are wired to create. The more we – as a society – allow these fears to shape our post-pandemic lives, the wider their ripples will be.”

    It’s a little bit hard finding my groove and going back to having sex but I’m having fun while I relearn it. I’m not the same person I was pre-pandemic, and that’s fine.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

    Posted on

    The Real Scoop on Why Couples Stop Having Sex

    The truth is, few couples come into therapy for the first meeting and tell me they are not having sex.

    By

    Yes, it happens, but generally they start out with something else. “We’ve drifted apart”, “We’re fighting too much” – or someone had an affair.

    And when sex does come up (usually because I ask about it), people do not get to the root cause right away – they tell me what’s happening on the surface, because that’s what they see every day. Here are some of the recent explanations I’ve heard from my clients.

    Why people say they are not having sex:

    • We’re too busy with the kids/work and don’t have time
    • We’ve lost the spark; I’m not attracted to her/him any more
    • When we do have sex it goes well, but it’s awkward for either of us to initiate
    • I’m waiting for him/her to initiate (because I’ve been rejected too many times) and he/she never does
    • He’s obsessed with internet porn and has nothing left for me
    • I’m just not that sexual a person, I’m not interested in sex
    • It just feels like we are friends, our relationship doesn’t feel sexual

    When couples stop having sex, in any of the scenarios above, there is always more to the story. My job, in part, is to help my clients see below the surface, to understand what’s causing these disturbances in the everyday reality of their relationship.

    • Someone has pulled out of the relationship. One partner, usually over the course of a year or more, has withdrawn emotionally from the relationship – he or she has one foot (or two) out the door. When this happens, it becomes very difficult for the couple to make any progress on difficult issues (like sex), because the EXIT is never far away. And for some people, one foot leads to two feet, which leads in turn to an affair or other infidelity.
    • Someone does not feel “safe” sexually. It may be that one partner has never felt safe in sexual situations – as a survivor of, or witness to, sexual abuse or violence, for example. Or perhaps they learned early on in life that other people’s needs must always come first – which makes it hard to be in touch with one’s own feelings and needs, and may lead to performance anxiety, or lack of arousal.
    • Something happened or isn’t working. Loss of sexual connection can result from an unresolved incidents or issues (sexual or not) in the current relationship, which are causing distance to grow between the partners. This is the “elephant in the room” scenario – there’s a problem, but you haven’t found a way to talk about it.
    • Drugs/alcohol. While it is true that the physiological impact alone of habitual drug or alcohol use can interfere with sexual functioning, it is usually accompanying factors – lifestyle, mood & anger regulation, conflict – that have the greatest impact on sexual relationships. This set of problems is often exacerbated by co-using and codependency factors, leading both partners to deny that there is a problem at all.
    • Medication/physical difficulties. As a mentor of mine used to say about ADHD, this category of issues is both over- and under-diagnosed. Some people are too quick to blame their sexual problems on their partner’s difficulty maintaining an erection or getting lubricated; however, this kind of issue, in isolation, can be successfully managed in the context of a connected, loving, trusting relationship. More often than not, it is the insecurities that it gives rise to that need the attention. On the other hand, it can be helpful to remember that sometimes physical arousal difficulties are a side-effect of prescription medications, or they may point to a physical problem that requires medical attention (or may be addressed relatively easily with a “performance enhancer” like Viagra, Cialis or Levitra).

    When these issues are not faced directly and talked about, partners can start isolating from one another. Feeling angry, sad, hurt, disappointed, embarrassed, guilty, shameful – and believing that you have to keep it to yourself, hide it from your nearest and dearest, perhaps even from everyone, is a dreadful burden to carry and can have a big impact on your sexual desire. It will eat away at your self esteem, destabilize your moods, cause you to isolate yourself, and undermine your relationship.

    So what can we do right now to start having sex again?

    1. Schedule time for it. This may sound unromantic – “Let’s meet at 2pm for some sex” – but if you two have let some time pass without addressing this issue, the chances are that you will not automatically start finding the time to deal with it. And take the pressure off about what will happen during that time – at first, it’s not even about having sex, it’s about rediscovering intimacy, finding your way back to each other.
    2. Talk about what’s happening for you. You and your partner need to find a way to open up to each other about what’s holding you back when you might be having sex, or connecting intimately in other ways. And you each need to create the space for your partner to tell her or his story.
    3. Listen openly and compassionately to what your partner is saying. Let him or her know that you have heard and understood.
    4. Start slowly, focus on building safety. Save the simultaneous orgasms for later. Get to know each other, and reveal yourselves to one another at a pace you can maintain. And don’t turn away – try to stay with the difficulty of what’s happening, try to stay connected with your partner through it.
    5. Start telling the truth. Once you start to feel more comfortable entering into an intimate space with each other, start telling the truth – to yourself and your partner – about what turns you on, what you want, and what you don’t want.

    Remember, this is not just about getting what you want, or giving it to your partner. It’s also about finding the sweet spot between you, where you both feel good about the giving and the getting.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

    Posted on

    Is there really a major gender mismatch when it comes to the best time to have sex?

    When do you prefer to get romantic?

    By

    What’s the best time of day to have sex?

    Your answer might depend on your gender – and, if you’re in a heterosexual relationship, you may find it doesn’t match up with your partner’s.

    That’s according to a survey that found that the peak time for women is 10pm, right before they go to bed, while men prefer to have sex first thing in the morning, at 7.30am.

    As if we didn’t already have enough to contend with when it comes to mismatched sex drives, apparently we also have to navigate a 14-hour difference in the time we’d like to get intimate. Great stuff.

    This claimed difference means that, according to the study, 64% of women and 38% of men say they sometimes have sex when they don’t really feel like it.

    Jessica Leoni, sex and relationships expert at Illicit Encounters, who commissioned the survey of 2,000 people, said: ‘This new research shows that there are big differences in sex o’clock between the sexes.

    ‘Men are ready for sex before breakfast, whereas women most want passion last thing at night.

    ‘This creates big problems for some couples who get out of the habit of having sex regularly and drift apart.’

    Jessica goes on to say that this could be the cause of affairs, but as a representative for an an extramarital dating site, she would suggest that.

    Rather than throwing our hands up in the air at these findings and declaring ourselves doomed, it’s worth looking a little deeper.

    Compromise and working around your schedules is a good approach

    For one thing, while the morning may have been chosen as the best time to have sex by the majority of men, that’s only by a tiny margin – 31% of men in the survey picked 6am, while 25% chose between 9pm and 12pm.

    That means that women’s ‘peak’ time is men’s very close second choice.

    And men’s ‘peak’ time comes in third preferred for women.

    We’re not so different after all…

    While it’s easy to simplify any differences in the optimal sex time to gender alone – men have morning wood, women like to get cosy before sleep, for example – it feels far more likely that the best time to have sex is very much down to the rest of our schedules.

    Yes, perhaps men might tend to be aroused in the morning, but if they have an early start requiring a manic rush from shower to breakfast, that’s likely to take precedence.

    Equally, perhaps those who chose 9pm to 12pm as the best time to get romantic did so not because of some kind of internal clock, but because this is the time all the day’s tasks are done and they can actually relax.

    The answer, as with so many issues to do with sex and relationships, is likely adapting and comprimising.

    The adapting bit will depend on your day-to-day lives. A previous survey by Superdrug found that the most popular times of the week for couples in the UK to have sex are Saturday and Sunday mornings and Friday and Saturday nights – because our schedules change up at the weekends and allow more free time.

    It might be worth scheduling sex for times when you know both you and your partner can properly enjoy the moment.

    Then, compromise. You might think that 6am on a Tuesday is the best time to have sex, but do you also fancy it at 9pm, which happens to be your other half’s preference?

    You might have one ideal time to get some loving, but realistically, your sex drive is unlikely to have a strict time limit. Try out different times and do it when it works for you, rather than holding out for one ascribed ‘peak’.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

    Posted on

    Wondering Whether You Should Be Having Sex Daily?

    Read This

    by Adrienne Santos-Longhurst

    The pressure to be having more, more, MORE sex is all around, isn’t it? Seen on the cover of magazines at the checkout line, overheard in the locker room, and even scribbled on the walls of bathroom stalls. But should you be having sex daily?

    The only thing you ~should~ do is have solo or multi/partnered sex as much or as little as *you* feel comfortable with.

    It depends on who you ask.

    Researchers — and some of the general population, it seems — have a very limited definition of sex.

    What researchers are typically referring to as sex is usually penis-in-vagina or penis-in-anus penetration. Depending on the nature of the study, oral sex (and sometimes rimming) may be included in the definition.

    While these things absolutely can qualify as sex, so can MANY other things, like kissing, touching, solo and mutual masturbation, outercourse, and any other intimate activity that brings a person sexual pleasure.

    With so much that can “count” as sex and the incomplete view of what’s typically studied, comparing your sex life to the so-called average is pretty pointless given how flawed the “average” data is.

    Turns out that daily sex is not all that common.

    According to a 2017 survey, only 4 percent of adults said they were having sex daily. In this survey, sex was referring to “intercourse.”

    The number of people masturbating on the daily is higher, according to the 2020 Tenga Self-Pleasure Report. Based on the findings, 13 percent partake in solo play every day.

    It’s no secret that sex has numerous benefits for your mental and physical well-being. Individuals and partners can enjoy more of these if they indulge daily.

    Let’s get down to the personal and relational benefits of sex.

    Personally

    Let’s take a look at what science says sex can do for a person.

    It can improve sexual function

    Looks like practice makes perfect — or at least better — when it comes to sex.

    The more sex you have, the better your sexual functioning. This goes for partnered and solo sex, too.

    This equates to an easier time having an orgasm and more intense orgasms. Oh yeah!

    It can reduce stress and anxiety

    Sex and orgasms have been shown to reduce stress and anxiety in human and animal studiesTrusted Source.

    That’s because sex can reduce the stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline. It can also release endorphins and oxytocin, which have a relaxing and stress-busting effect.

    It can help you sleep better

    Who rolls over and falls asleep after getting off? Hint: It’s not just people with penises, according to a 2019 study.

    The study found that having an O before bed, either from partnered sex or self-lovin’, helped people fall asleep faster and sleep better.

    It can put you in a good mood

    Duh, right? Of course sex can put some pep in your step, but there are solid biological reasons for it.

    Sex and orgasm can trigger a surge of feel-good hormones, and some research from 2006 suggests that these good feelings last well into the next day.

    It can help relieve pain

    Why reach for aspirin when you can dance the horizontal mambo with yourself or a partner to relieve pain?

    The endorphins and other chemicals released during arousal and orgasm are natural pain relievers that work like opioids. This could explain why sex and orgasm offer quick relief from menstrual cramps, migraine, and headaches for some people.

    It can be good for your heart

    Sex is good for your heart and not just in a warm and fuzzy way.

    Along with lower stress and better sleep, which are good for the heart, sex can also lower blood pressure and counts as mild to moderate exercise, depending on how long and hard you go.

    Furthermore, frequent and more satisfying sex has also been linked to a lower risk of heart attack.

    Relationally

    The personal benefits we just covered translate to relationships, too, along with some partner-specific benefits.

    It can bring you closer

    They don’t call oxytocin the love hormone for nothing.

    Oxytocin has several relationship-enhancing effects. Bonding, affection, and trust are just a few.

    It’s released in the early stages of love as well as during all kinds of sexual stimulation. We’re talking kissing and cuddling, nipple stim, and other erogenous play, too.

    The benefits for your relationships don’t end with actual sex either, according to a 2017 study of married couples. Turns out that postcoital glow continues for 48 hours after sex and contributes to pair-bonding. The stronger the afterglow, the higher the marital satisfaction.

    More sex = more sex

    That chemical cocktail released during sex is hella strong and go-ood. So good, in fact, that it leads to wanting more, which is why the more sex you have, the more you and your partner(s) will end up having it.

    This is why experts often recommend you not be so quick to say no to sex when your partner(s) is in the mood and you’re not, and why many suggest it as a way to deal with mismatched libidos.

    Bonus, pleasuring yourself can also increase your sex drive and make you want to have more sex with your partner(s).

    Better sexual functioning

    Yes, this was one of the personal benefits listed, but it definitely helps sex with your partner(s), too.

    Improved sexual functioning from more sex doesn’t just mean better orgasms, but also things like stronger erections and an increase in vaginal lubrication production, which can make partnered sex better.

    A few, but for the most part, as long as sex is consensual, pleasurable, and not having a negative impact on your life, it’s all good.

    Personally

    If you have sex daily, you’ll want to consider these potential personal drawbacks.

    Chafing and other discomfort

    Excess friction from all that rubbing/thrusting/vibrating/kissing can leave your skin raw and chafed. Frequent handling of your tender parts is bound to leave your parts, well, tender.

    Not only could this put a damper on your daily sex sesh, but chafed skin can also crack and give bacteria a way into the body, increasing your risk of infections.

    Urinary tract infections (UTIs)

    And speaking of infection, frequent sex of the partnered or solo variety can increase your chances of a UTI.

    This is assuming you’re engaging in play that involves your genitals, since your urethra basically sits front and center to the action, which can push bacteria inside.

    Not enough time prep or recovery time

    Certain sex acts don’t require much in the way of prep or recovery, but others, like, say, anal or aggressive sex, might not be practical or even safe without sufficient time before and after.

    This can lead to pain and injuries and put you out of commission for a while.

    Sexually transmitted infections (STIs)

    If you’re having sex with someone other than yourself, there’s always some risk of contracting or transmitting an STI.

    The more often you have sex, the more you increase the odds of contracting one. Regular STI testing and disclosing your results to your partner(s) is key to preventing transmission and a crucial part of overall safer sex practices.

    Relationally

    If all involved feel good about it and aren’t just going through the motions for the sake of meeting a quota, daily sex can actually be pretty great for your relationship(s). Then again, so is any amount that you’re all happy with.

    A 2015 analysis of 30,000 people found that couples who have sex more than once a week are no happier than those that have it just once weekly.

    Here’s how to go about getting a daily helping of pleasure without burning yourself or your nether regions out.

    Solo practice

    Treating yourself to some daily sexy time should be more about pleasure than pressure, so try not to beat yourself up if you don’t make it happen every day.

    Try these tips to keep the quality while upping the quantity:

    • Schedule your solo sesh on busy days but be open to rubbing one out outside that time if mood and opportunity happen to line up.
    • Masturbation’s about more than clits and dicks, so show the rest of your body (including your booty!) love, too.
    • Try different strokes to mix things and experiment with tempo and pressure.
    • Use erotic stories and porn for some sexy inspo.
    • Keep things fresh by trying different locations, positions, sex toys, and props.
    • Seduce yourself by setting the mood with candles, music, or a hot bath.

    Partner practice

    Daily sex can be a little more challenging when you’ve got different schedules and libidos to sync, but it can be done as long as you’re realistic about it.

    Try these tips:

    • Broaden your definition of sex to include acts like mutual masturbation, making out, and dry humping to accommodate varying time constraints and energy levels.
    • Keep things interesting with new positions, toys, and props.
    • Schedule sex in your calendars if you have busy or opposite schedules.
    • Keep must-haves like lube and barrier protection stocked so you have them when you need them.
    • Quickies are totes fine but set aside time for some longer sessions and afterglow.
    • Don’t feel pressured or pressure your partner(s) to play if you’re not all totally into it.

    Daily sex can be great for your well-being and relationship, as long as your focus isn’t only on frequency. Taking the pressure off and doing what feels good will serve you better than trying to hit some statistical (or perceived) norm.

    Like most things in life, quality over quantity is better. If you can have both, well that’s just a nice bonus.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

    Posted on

    Why is maintenance sex such a complex issue?

    The vulgarity of maintenance sex will vary depending on how you take it to play out

    By

    Maintenance sex is when someone puts out for their partner, particularly in long-term relationships, at times they don’t feel like being sexual.

    Though ungendered in definition, the idea is usually put to women – have a quick Google of the term and you’ll see it recommended to women as a strategy to keep a marriage going.

    It’s an old term that has come back into the spotlight after model Caprice said she does this with her husband.

    Speaking to OK! Magazine, she said: ‘You can’t say, “I’m tired” or “I have a headache” – no! Take one for the team, because it’s between five to 10 minutes of your life.’

    Since then, plenty of people have shared opinions on the matter and comment sections are a mix of men who agree with this, and others raising issue with the concept.

    Maintenance sex touches on the fringes of many other big societal issues: gender politics, gender stereotypes and consent.

    Due to this, we need to look at the nuances and complications around it – what maintenance sex means to one person will mean something else to another.

    Psychosexual and relationship therapist Ammanda Major, who works for Relate, a charity providing relationship support, says many couples engage in maintenance sex. It’s a common issue sex therapists will come across.

    She says: ‘People have sex for all sorts of reasons and there are lots of ways of being sexual with a partner.

    ‘For some it’s to have that orgasmic experience, but for many people it’s that closeness, that bonding.’

    Sometimes that’s what maintenance sex is about, finding the connection rather than an orgasm.

    Ammanda adds: ‘For most couples that have been together a long time, they report just cuddling up to someone and seeing what happens without the the clear intention of becoming necessarily sexual.’

    A lot of sexual response is based on receiving an advance, even if the person wasn’t aroused before.

    Often in a long-term relationship sex is a matter of ‘getting things started’, with one person initiating and foreplay getting the other person in the mood.

    This is the side of maintenance sex that many couples will resonate with – but there are concerns around the idea of having sex when you’re not initially keen.

    ‘The key thing is not to be pressurised or do it because if you don’t your partner will sulk, become controlling or abusive in some way,’ Ammanda says.

    ‘If it makes you feel bad about yourself, don’t do it to yourself. If it makes you feel bad, then that’s telling you something.’

    Dr Audrey Tang, psychologist and author, reiterates this point, telling us that sex when a partner isn’t sure or doesn’t feel like it is not something to be celebrated.

    ‘Sex is often one of the most loving, intimate acts you can share with someone,’ she notes.

    ‘It is something that is rewarding for all parties involved, because of the emotional and physical connection.  

    ‘When you change the narrative to where this beautiful gift of the self is offered “to keep someone in a relationship”, this devalues not only the act, but worse, your personal value, likely eroding your self worth with it. 

    ‘If someone is expecting you to “put out” in order to remain in a relationship with you, the question is not “Should I do it?” but rather “Do I even want that sort of energy in my life?”‘

    Another issue that comes up when we talk about maintenance sex is the notion that this is a woman’s duty, because, so goes the stereotype, men want to have sex and women aren’t fussed.

    Women have long been told they want less sex than men, and that their sexual desire isn’t a priority.

    In practice, maintenance sex and fluctuating libidos are experience by all genders, regardless of sexual orientation.

    So how do you navigate having a different sex drive to your partner? Is maintenance sex the answer?

    Ammanda says communication is the only way you’re going to make true headway in the issue. An occassional maintenance sex session can be okay, but if you’re regularly feeling like you have to have sex, whether because your sex drives are mismatched or you’re not feeling loved up, that’s a larger issue that needs to be tackled.

    ‘Bear in mind sex drive levels change – we tend to talk a lot about how that’s a very static piece in a relationship, but actually for many couples it’s something that fluctuates and varies over time,’ she explains. ‘It swaps around – many men will report a lack of sex drive.

    ‘The key thing is to take away the sense of shame some couples have, either for wanting to have lots of sex or for not wanting to.

    ‘A lot of this comes down to developing good communication between the couple.’

    Nurturing trust and respect will make these conversations flow easier, and therapy can be a good route to find a middle ground.

    ‘Historically you had to get the person with the lower sex drive up,’ Ammanda says, but this isn’t your only option.

    Finding a compromise that fulfils both parties sexually is the best way couples can deal with unequal sexual drives, but the difference can also be a fair reason to end a relationship if it’s making either side unhappy.

    Amanda says to figure out what sex means to you both and what you individually want from it, then go from there.

    Most importantly: ‘Don’t do anything you don’t actively want to do.’

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!