Category: Sex Coach

Posted on

Can Microdosing Help Heal Sexual Trauma?

— Sexual trauma poses unique challenges to clinical treatment. Psychedelic medicine can address healing from sexual trauma through a more holistic lens.

By Kiki Dy

A sexual assault at fifteen changed the contours of Australia-based artist Lydia’s* life. She blamed herself in a haze of adolescent confusion and hid the assault from her loved ones, even when they suspected something was amiss. The next ten years became a barbed loop of trying to forget and then remembering so vividly that she couldn’t sleep. Lydia tight-roped between extremes:— long periods of abstinence splintered by sprints of hypersexuality. In her early 20’s, she pursued therapy but ultimately found the experience “painful with no payoff.” She recognized she needed a spiritually profound route to recast her sense of self and shift the narrative of her assault–that’s when mushrooms entered the picture.

Psychedelics and Sexual Trauma: An Overview

On her podcast Inside Eyes–a series about using entheogens to ease the aberrations of sexual trauma–somatic psychotherapist Laura Mae Northrup describes sexual assault as a form of spiritual abuse. The impact of sexual violence on the survivor is subjective. However, many, like Northrup, would agree that experiencing sexual assault can change how we view humanity, making us question the morality of mankind and the meaning of our existence at large.

Objectively, sexual assault is unconscionable violence against humanity, resulting in feelings of dissociation and disembodiment that can last a lifetime (and even be passed down). As survivors grow up, they frequently learn to suppress the event and its aching emotions as a defense mechanism. But trauma can never truly be suppressed. Until trauma is addressed, one small trigger has the ability to open the gateway back to the grieving phase.

Given the prolonged spiritual distress sexual abuse spurs, western medicine and traditional therapy can often fall short. For some, exploring a more mystical method of healing provides better outcomes. After all, sexual assault is a complicating factor for mental wellness, with survivors displaying psychological responses such as depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)—all of which psilocybin is proven to positively benefit.

As a seasoned psychedelic researcher and professor at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, Roland Griffiths reports that over 70% of people who took magic mushrooms to treat depression, anxiety, or PTSD cited their psychedelic experience as being among the most impactful events in their lifetime. Additional research echoes these praises, suggesting that psilocybin often induces emotional breakthroughs and profound shifts in perspective for those who choose to use it–and for Lydia, that shift in perspective was life-saving.

“I felt stuck. All my relationships were failing, even the one with myself. I was ready to give up,” she tells us at Retreat. “It felt like one person had stolen my happiness, and I couldn’t get it back, even ten years later.”

Then, a psilocybin retreat changed everything.

Lydia, who lived in Berlin at the time, made a convenient pilgrimage to attend a magic mushroom ceremony in Amsterdam. “The trip cracked me wide open,” she shares, “I was outside my body looking at myself. Which was trippy, but more important is that the filter changed, and suddenly I saw myself with softness and empathy. I sobbed.”

Like Lydia’s anecdotal evidence suggests, psychedelics hold great promise and potential to help people reprocess their trauma in a meaningful manner. In the words of psychedelic integration therapist Dee Dee Goldpaugh, psilocybin allows us to experience a “compassionate recasting of ourselves in the story [of a traumatic event].” By introducing her mind to new ways to think, psilocybin helped Lydia unglue herself from the decade of anguish the assault catalyzed. With the muck cleared off her mind’s windshield, she began to see and accept the truth: it wasn’t her fault, and it doesn’t define her.

The Therapeutic Potential of Microdosing

The heroic dose helped Lydia forgive and reopen herself to pleasure, but microdosing helped her cement her newfound perspectives.

“I didn’t want the trip to be this epiphany that didn’t stick,” she shares. “I was so relieved but also a bit anxious that I was placing a flimsy bandaid over a bullet hole.” So, after research and casual coaching by a seasoned psychonaut friend, she started a new routine three times a week: spiking her morning matcha with psilocybin powder.

Lydia enhanced her microdosing journey with daily journaling, affirmations, and a focused effort to allow the soft voice that spoke to her during the trip to reshape her internal monologue. She insists that microdosing rewired her brain in a way SSRIs failed to achieve.

But does the science behind microdosing support her experience?

While the conclusion is clear on the therapeutic benefits of large doses of psychedelics, such as increased empathy, openness, mood, and life satisfaction—the developing research on microdosing doesn’t allow us to draw any one conclusion. Research suggests that microdosing may lead to a positive mood, increased presence, and enhanced well-being.

However, the findings do not come from controlled trials where one-half of the participants take a microdose, and the other half take a placebo.  Current knowledge is mostly from vocal success stories like Lydia’s and surveys of people who have used microdosing as a tool for mental health and personal growth. (That said, that is changing, with a number of microdosing studies in the works across the industry.)

The Bottom Line

Though universally painful, healing from sexual trauma is personal. Whether you leverage traditional talk therapy, small amounts of psilocybin, or a guided heroic trip that sends you to an alternate reality for eternity and returns you a new person–one fact remains: addressing trauma is a meaningful step toward a happier future.

As for the potential of psychedelics to facilitate healing more holistically, the science is promising. Individuals that have suffered sexual trauma often close down as fear, anxiety, and anger shrink them. In one famously-cited psilocybin study, 61 percent of participants demonstrated a lasting and measurable change in openness after just one dose of mushrooms–a significant finding because lasting personality change is often out of reach with just talk therapy alone.

However you choose to heal, and whoever you choose to help you heal, Retreat wishes you the best and is here to offer a little psychedelic support and a lot of empathy.

*Name has been changed to protect privacy.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Sex therapists on 20 simple, satisfying ways to revive your lost libido

— Losing your mojo is very common, but it can be overcome, whether through self-love, putting down your phone – or even a sex ban

By

Most people will experience a loss of sexual desire at some point in their life, be it due to parenthood, a health condition, hormonal changes, grief or other reasons. But how can you overcome this? Sex therapists and educators share the secrets to getting your mojo back.

1. Be aware that it is incredibly normal

“Fluctuations in desire are a natural part of the human experience, influenced by different life stages,” says Chris Sheridan, a psychotherapist and founder of The Queer Therapist in Glasgow. “We’re not robots,” says Natasha Silverman, a Relate sex and relationship therapist based in the Cotswolds. She has helped couples who haven’t had sex for decades and says this is one of the most common reasons people seek advice. “It is very normal for relationships to go through periods when couples aren’t having sex, or one person wants to and the other doesn’t.”

2. Mood is often a factor

Addressing this is the first step. “External life stresses and anxiety all put the brakes on sexual desire,” says Silverman. “If you are stressed and overwhelmed – worried about the kids or there are problems at work – it’s not going to be quite so easy to get into that headspace.” Medication such as antidepressants can also have an impact on sex drive, she adds.

3. Have a medical check-up

It is important to see a doctor about loss of libido. If people are describing anxiety, depression or other symptoms that may be connected to a health issue such as the menopause, “we do suggest that people get checked”, says Silverman. “For example, someone may have erectile difficulties that are putting them off sex. But if that is a chronic problem, it can be indicative of something like heart disease.”

4. Talk to someone outside the relationship

Find someone to confide in, says Silverman. This could be “a friend or a professional. Someone who can normalise it, help you look at why this might be happening and take the shame out of it. Think about when things changed and what might be making it more difficult.” Try to work out, “what it is that made you feel as if your mojo isn’t there any more”, says Dami “Oloni” Olonisakin, a sex positive educator and author of The Big O: An empowering guide to loving, dating and f**king.

5. Be prepared to talk to your partner

When you are ready, talk to your partner about how you are feeling. This could be in a therapy space or on your own. “Your partner will already be sensing that something has changed,” says Silverman. “And if you’re not talking about it with them, they are going to fill in the gaps, most likely with their own anxieties: ‘They don’t want to be with me any more’; ‘They don’t find me attractive’; ‘Maybe there’s someone else.’ So be upfront and honest.” Most people are too ashamed to work on stale, long-term relationships and be more creative about seeking pleasure together, says Todd Baratz, a sex therapist in New York City. It doesn’t “necessarily mean getting out the whips and chains, it just means communicating about sex, talking about what your sexual needs are”.

‘Set aside time each week to explore each other’s bodies.’

6. Single people struggle with desire, too

It is not only those in a relationship who experience a loss of libido. Silverman says she is seeing increasing numbers of single people who “want to iron out mistakes from previous relationships” and women, in particular, who have become used to “minimising their needs”. There are a lot of myths that need to be busted about the G-spot and what a healthy sex life looks like, she says. Being single is a good time to figure out what works for you “and make yourself more robust”, for your next relationship or sexual encounter.

7. Work out what desire means to you

“Society often normalises saying ‘yes’ to things we may not genuinely want to do, a behaviour that can permeate our relationship dynamics,” says Sheridan. “Expressing our true desires and practising saying ‘no’ enables us to transition into healthy communication characterised by negotiation and mutual consent.”

“What is really important,” says Miranda Christophers, a sex and relationship psychotherapist at The Therapy Yard in Beaconsfield, “is that both partners have the desire for desire. If somebody’s motivation for intimacy is because they know that their partner likes to have sex and they need to do it to keep the partner happy, that wouldn’t necessarily be a positive motivator. We try to get them to work out what they enjoy about sex, what they are getting from it.” That could be pleasure in the moment or a sense of connection afterwards.

8. In most couples, one person will want sex more than the other

“This phenomenon is not exclusive to heterosexual couples,” says Sheridan. “It presents similarly within same-sex and sexually diverse relationships”, in which there can be “an additional layer of complexity emerging due to the pervasive influence of heteronormativity”. “Desire isn’t necessarily gender specific,” says Baratz. “It is often assumed that men want sex all the time and women want to be seduced, and that’s not the case. People have a wide and diverse expression of how they desire, regardless of their gender.” That said, men tend to experience spontaneous desire, whereas women are more responsive, says Christophers, and desire may only kick in at the point of arousal.

9. A sex ban can be a good place to start

Silverman says many therapists will encourage couples to abstain from sex and masturbation while initial conversations are taking place, before introducing affection for affection’s sake that won’t lead to something else. Plus, “telling someone they can’t have sex tends to be an effective way to get them in the mood”, she says.

10. Looking back is crucial

As with any kind of therapy, considering past experiences, positive and negative, can help to process problems in the present. Sheridan explains: “Examining a client’s sexual response history across their lifespan allows us to discern whether the change is a situational occurrence or a longstanding pattern. A crucial aspect of this involves understanding the current and historical dynamics of their relationships.” Silverman adds: “We look at their first relationships, the potential obstacles that are in the way of them being able to let go sexually, any health problems, trauma or historic sexual abuse.” “Trauma has a huge impact on our sensory system,” says Baratz, “and sex is all about sensory experiences, so it’s going to potentially decrease the way we feel safe or connected to our senses. That means that we need to be with a partner we feel safe with.”

11. Rediscover non-sexual intimacy

This could be “kissing each other before you leave the house or playfully patting your partner on the bum as they walk past”, says Oloni. “Different things can help reignite that spark, so when you are back in bed you’ve done things throughout the day that remind you your partner still desires you sexually and is attracted to you.” Sensate exercises, in which couples are encouraged to “set aside time each week to explore each other’s bodies, focusing on the feeling that they have themselves when they are doing this”, are helpful too, says Christophers.

12. Scheduling

This isn’t for everyone, says Silverman, as it can make sex feel like even more of a chore. But it can be helpful for some, especially if young children are getting in the way. “Schedule a romantic date night or time to find different ways to get in touch with that side,” says Oloni. For new parents, Christophers advises: “Even if it is just for an hour, go somewhere else and create a more adult space together.” Baratz recommends “planning sex instead of relying upon spontaneity and declaring our schedules are too busy”.

13. Self-love is everything

“Emphasising self-love is integral,” says Sheridan. “As it empowers individuals to honestly articulate their needs and desires, building more authentic and fulfilling sexual and emotional intimacy in the relationship.” Take care of yourself too: shower and put on fragrance, says Baratz. “Exercise plays a big role in cultivating a relationship with your body.” He encourages “yoga, if that’s pleasurable, or massage or a spa day or a bath bomb – anything that is a sensory experience that feels good and will reinforce the connection that we can feel with our body”. “When you walk past a mirror, tell yourself how beautiful you are,” says Oloni. “How lucky anybody would be to be in your presence naked.”

14. Work on body confidence

This could be through “buying yourself new lingerie that makes you feel sexy”, says Oloni. “You need to find that confidence within yourself then present that to your partner. I used to work in Victoria’s Secret, and I remember a woman came in who had just had a child and she burst into tears because a bra looked good on her. That has stuck with me because it really does take the right type of underwear to make you feel sexy again, or to see yourself in a different way.”

15. Faking it can be counterproductive

Again, this is very common, thanks to people getting sex education from mainstream pornography, says Silverman, which often suggests women need to have penetrative sex to have an orgasm, whereas about 75% of women require clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. But “every time someone fakes an orgasm, they are showing their partner the exact wrong way to make them climax – there is a sexual dishonesty there”, she says. “Some people do struggle to reach orgasm, which is known as anorgasmia. This can be a result of medication, trauma or trust issues that haven’t been explored. But generally speaking, people can reach orgasm on their own. We recommend that people get to know their bodies by themselves and what does it for them, before expecting a partner to know what to do.”

16. Pornography doesn’t have to be visual

“There is a difference between ethical and non-ethical pornography,” says Oloni. “And it is important to understand what has been created for the male gaze.” She points to other forms of erotica that can be accessed, such as audio pornography and literature. “There are so many different mediums you could get that sexual rush from, but I don’t think people truly explore. It’s usually the same link or bookmark of a favourite porn site or video. I think it’s important to mix it up, especially when it comes to fantasising. They say that the biggest sexual organ that we actually have is the brain. It’s so important to fantasise in different ways instead of just one.”

17. Think about ‘sexual currency’

“This is a term that a lot of sex educators are using now,” says Oloni, “which is designed to help you find that desire and spark in your relationship. It could mean cuddling more on the sofa when you’re watching a movie, or it could be remembering to kiss your partner before you leave the house.”

18. Write down things you want to try

This helps if you can’t say them out loud. Work out what they are and send over an image or link, suggests Oloni. “Write them down on bits of paper and put them in a pot,” says Christophers, so you can pull them out and potentially try something new. “Create an opportunity for playfulness,” she says. “A bit more intrigue, a bit more mystery.”

19. Variety is the spice of life

Oils, toys and other aids can be useful after body changes due to the menopause, having a baby or other health conditions, says Christophers, as is trying different positions. “Think about comfort and practical things, such as using lubricants.”

20. Put down your phone

For those who would rather go to bed with their phone than their partner, put it away. “This comes up a lot,” says Christophers. “I’m not saying don’t ever bring your phone into bed,” says Oloni. “But that could be a time where you up your sexual currency. You’re in bed with your partner. This is where you should feel your most relaxed but you can’t really unwind when you are on your phone, you’re still taking in so much information. You could use that time instead to not necessarily have sex, but just be still, hug, spoon or giggle with your partner.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

9 Benefits of Sex Therapy

—The benefits of sex therapy are multiple and go beyond those related to sexual dysfunctions. Take note of all the information.

By Valeria Sabater

Currently, a significant part of the population is unaware of all the benefits of sex therapy. There’s still a certain stigma and the classic belief that only those who present some dysfunction, such as anorgasmia or premature ejaculation, go to these professionals. However, this methodology addresses multiple dynamics and needs.

It’s important to know that its most relevant purpose is to make you feel good. Such an objective implies achieving everything from having satisfactory intimate relationships to building happier bonds with your partner.

Addressing concerns and possible traumas or even giving you guidelines to guide your adolescent children on issues related to sex are also some of the benefits of sex therapy. In this article, we’ll explain everything this form of therapy does for you.

What are the benefits of sex therapy?

Sex therapy was developed in the 1960s, thanks to the marriage of William Masters and Virginia Johnson. Their book, Human Sexual Response (1966), was quite revolutionary because it broke down many prejudices and taboos. Since then, this approach has been strengthened, and it integrates the medical model with the psychological one.

The technique is feasible both for individuals and for couples and is based on conversation that creates a framework of trust from which to provide solutions and tools for having a more harmonious life on both emotional and sexual levels. In addition, it has great scientific endorsement and, every day, contributes to recovering the well-being of thousands of people. Below, we’ll describe the main benefits of sex therapy.

1. It contributes to having a more satisfying sex life

Sex life with your partner may no longer be as exciting or satisfying as it used to be. Sometimes, without any physiological problem, there’s something wrong and it’s difficult to restore that special harmony you used to share. A work published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior indicates that one of the most common causes for which therapy is sought is a discrepancy in sexual desire.

The fact that one partner in the relationship wants to have sex more often, while the other avoids it, is common. Therefore, something a sex therapist will guide and help you with is having a full intimate life. This implies resolving any difficulties, disagreements, or inconveniences in this area.

2. The treatment of sexual problems

Throughout our lives, people can go through different sexual problems. Sometimes it’s a difficulty in achieving an orgasm, while, in other cases, conditioning factors such as menopause, times of stress, or suffering from a disease play a part when it comes to enjoying intimate relationships.

Mayo Clinic Proceedings reports something important in a study. A significant portion of sexual dysfunctions in women go unrecognized and untreated. Men are also often reticent on this issue. For this reason, it’s important for society to become aware of the benefits of sexual therapy. Next, we’ll go into detail about the conditions that the methodology usually addresses:

  • Phobias
  • Paraphilias and sexual fixations
  • Vaginismus
  • Premature ejaculation
  • Male impotence
  • Hypoactive sexual disorder
  • Female Orgasmic Disorder
  • Male Orgasmic Disorder
  • Possible sexual addictions
  • Sexual problems in menopause
  • Dyspareunia (painful intercourse)
  • Sexual difficulties associated with aging
  • Sexual problems associated with other diseases
  • Improving the sex life of couples during and after pregnancy
  • Improving the sex life of people with physical or psychological disabilities

3. Discovery of the most powerful sexual organ

The most decisive sexual organ is your brain, and the best way to have a satisfying sex life is to stimulate your imagination. In this way, some aspects that you’ll work on in therapy are your fantasies and desires.

These dimensions are extraordinary channels for awakening eroticism and enlivening your relationship as a couple, deactivating prejudices, and dismissing shame.

4. Reducing fears and anxiety

Have you heard of sexual performance anxiety? There are many people who doubt their ability to offer pleasure to their partners. The fear of not being up to the task, failing, or appearing clumsy or inexperienced is a frequent reality in clinical practice.

For this reason, one of the benefits of sex therapy is to address fears related to sex. There are multiple strategies that make it easier to effectively resolve insecurities in order to have a rewarding sex life.

Likewise, therapists always create a space of empathy, security, and trust from which to clarify your doubts and receive effective advice in any area. Psychoeducation on sexual matters also falls within their tasks.

The pharmaceutical industry seeks to provide a solution to sexual dysfunctions that can be addressed through sex therapy. Many of the problems in this area have more to do with mental factors than with physiological conditions.

5. Overcoming sexual trauma

An article in the scientific journal Frontiers in Psychology highlights that patients with sexual trauma need a special type of care that provides adequate security and respect for their personal history. Sex therapy has always addressed such delicate realities as abuse, rape, or mistreatment in couple relationships.

6. Enhanced intimacy and emotional connection

Authentic pleasure in sex doesn’t occur in the body but originates in the brain, as we’ve already suggested. If you’re in crisis with your partner and there are unaddressed grudges or disagreements, it’ll be difficult to enjoy intimacy. Given this, a sex therapist guides you to promote coexistence and connection with your loved one through the following strategies:

  • Teaching resources to solve problems
  • Offering techniques that improve communication
  • Providing strategies to revive desire in the relationship
  • Facilitating spaces in which partners can get to know each other in a more intimate and profound way
  • Collaborating in better regulating emotions in order to connect in a meaningful way

7. Sex therapy allows you to get to know yourself much better

One of the most notable benefits of sex therapy is its impact on your mental health. Sex goes beyond the biological field: It’s also a psychological dimension and, above all, a cultural one. Sometimes, the way you’re educated or even the prejudices you have on this subject condition your ability to enjoy a full life in this regard.

The specialist in this area will allow you to explore and get to know yourself better as a person. You’ll be able to understand your sexuality, fantasies, and desires. No matter your age or the personal moment in which you find yourself, you always have time to look within yourself, drop your defenses, reformulate misconceptions about sex, and enjoy it.

8. It’s an inclusive therapy

Today’s sex therapy is also inclusive. What does this mean? You can find therapists trained in sexual diversity. McGill University in Montreal alludes to the advances that exist right now. This clinical field moves with our times and works to challenge stereotypes and promote a more inclusive and equitable vision of sexuality.

In this way, members of the LGBTIQ+ community benefit from more sensitive, trained, and effective attention to their particular needs and realities.

9. The prevention of future problems

Sex therapy not only addresses problems and educates us in the field of sexuality, but it also has a decisive role in prevention. Even if right now you feel good in your life as a couple and have good intimate health, it never hurts to learn new tools to avoid or address possible future problems.

Knowing, for example, how daily stress affects sexuality or how to respond to monotony in your emotional bond through new approaches are strategies that therapists educate you.

How to find a sex therapist who can help me?

Remember, you don’t have to wait for serious problems in order to start sex therapy. It’s best to go as soon as you have a concern or doubts or don’t feel satisfaction with your intimate life. If you want to look for a therapist in this area, look at the fields in which they specialize. There are some professionals who exclusively address organic or medical aspects.

However, most are prepared to treat both possible dysfunctions and relational problems and advise you on any aspect related to sexuality. Always contact specialists who follow techniques backed by science and don’t forget the most decisive thing: Being honest. Don’t be afraid to express your needs and concerns. Only then will you receive the best care possible.

It might interest you…

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

I watched the first episode of reality series ‘Good Sex,’ and seeing men ask for sex help was really hot

On the television series “Good Sex,” couples agree to put cameras in their bedrooms during sex and talk about the footage with a coach after.

By Julia Naftulin

  • The new discovery+ series “Good Sex” has couples put cameras in their bedrooms. A sex coach uses the footage to help improve their intimacy.
  • In the first episode, men reveal their sexual issues, like erectile dysfunction and overall inexperience.
  • The show is a reminder that sex should be a safe space to explore desire and pleasure.

On the new television series “Good Sex,” couples willingly plant video cameras in their bedrooms while they have sex, then fork the tapes over to a sex coach for help.

Caitlin V. Neal, the show’s resident sex coach, has spent more than 10 years helping men with erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and pleasuring women.

Minutes into the first episode, a 48-year-old man named Ben admits he has trouble getting out of his head during sex with his partner Annie, which has led to erectile dysfunction. When Neal later examines video footage of their lovemaking, she finds out Annie’s dog is in the room while they’re getting it on, which interferes with Ben’s ability to focus. In the same episode, a man in his 20s reveals he’s never had sex, and wants to learn how to please a woman before he does, so Neal walks him through different pleasure points by caressing an anatomical model of female genitals.

As Insider’s sex and relationships reporter and advice columnist, I constantly read questions from women who want to save their sex and love lives. So it was refreshing to watch men get candid about their sexual concerns, like when Ben said a disconnect between his brain and body was likely the reason for his “limp dick.”

To me, “Good Sex” is a reminder that sex can be awkward and fulfilling all at once. Like the willingness to ask for help, good sex requires self-awareness, self-love, and feeling safe enough to show you’re still figuring it out.

“Good Sex” takes a raw approach by showing couples in the midst of their sexual mistakes, not just how they resolve them.

A 48-year-old named Ben opened up about difficulty achieving orgasm during sex

Ben said he’s only been with three women in his life, including his current partner of two years, Annie. They said they were both previously married to their college sweethearts.

“As great as our sex is, I’m not able stay hard, or even get hard, sometimes,” Ben told the camera during the first episode. He said current erectile dysfunction issues have made sex feel disheartening and distressing, especially coming from a previous marriage where he wasn’t having a lot of sex.

During their first session with Neal, Ben said erectile dysfunction medication hasn’t helped, and he wants to orgasm during sex with Annie.

According to Neal, the pursuit of good sex challenges people, especially men, to be more emotionally open.

“Sex is an inherently vulnerable act. And so if you’re looking to improve your sex life and you’re serious in your commitment to improving your intimacy, vulnerability is a requirement to getting the results that they want,” Neal said.

According to Neal, the showrunners’ idea to use cameras along with sex coaching made for “exponentially faster transformations, growth, and impact” because she could see what was actually happening, not just hear it from the couple’s blurry recollections.

“Imagine trying to explain, step by step, what happened the last time you had sex with your partner. Especially if you don’t have something to compare it to, it’s really difficult for someone to articulate what actually happened,” Neal, who also has a YouTube channel dedicated to sex advice, told Insider.

Healthy sex and relationships require work

The show offers snippets of each couples’ sex-coaching sessions and the bedroom homework Neal assigns them, but there’s a lot more work going on between scenes, she told Insider.

Each coaching session is between 90 minutes and two hours. It also takes time for a couple to unlearn the sex routines they’ve grown accustomed to over the past five to 30 years, Neal said.

When viewers watch “Good Sex,” Neal hopes they walk away with the realization that a fulfilling sex life requires commitment and help.

“We have no problem hiring career coaches, mechanics, people to install things in our homes. But for some reason, we have the story that sex is something we have to deal with privately, without any help. By putting cameras inside of those closed bedroom doors, we’re able to see this isn’t something you have to deal with in isolation. It’s not something that should be a source of shame,” Neal said.

A dedication to honesty and emotional openness in the name of self-improvement? Now that’s hot.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

25 Best Couples Therapy Techniques, Exercises, and Activities to Try in 2021

by Jillian Goltzman

Online resources and telehealth has made couples therapy more accessible than ever.

If you’re looking to engage in self-improvement and enhance your relationship, there’s a multitude of techniques and exercises at your fingertips.

Couples therapy techniques

Reflective listening

“Reflective listening is a highly beneficial exercise where the couple take turns being active listeners,” says Laura Louis, a licensed psychologist at Atlanta Couple Therapy.

Use “I” phrases instead of “you” statements. For example, say “I feel hurt when you do X” instead of “You’re wrong for doing X.”

“When couples take turns being active listeners, it boosts healthy communication skills as well as conflict resolution skills for the couple,” Louis says.

Emotionally focused therapy

Many therapists use a method called emotionally focused therapy (EFT).

The goal is for couples “to identify maladaptive patterns within the relationship that are interfering with secure bonds and attachments,” says Ansley Campbell, a clinical director at The Summit Wellness Group.

People “learn and utilize techniques to heal or create safe and secure attachments within the relationship,” she explains.

Narrative therapy

The practice of narrative therapy revolves around people describing their problems in narrative form and rewriting their stories. This can help them see that no single story can possibly encapsulate the totality of their experience.

“There will always be inconsistencies and contradictions,” says Sam Nabil, CEO and lead therapist at Naya Clinics.

Narrative therapy may be helpful for couples who feel like their relationship is failing due to both of their faults.

“These couples often believe that they’re subject to this romantic pitfall and emotional trauma because they have been a ‘failure’ from the start and it is what they ‘deserve,’” Nabil says.

Gottman Method

The Gottman Method is a popular method practiced among couples therapists. The technique is designed to help couples deepen their understanding of one another while managing conflict in their relationship.

The Gottman Institute has more than 40 years of research under its belt. It provides live workshops and take-home training materials for couples, but many therapists have also trained using the Gottman Institute’s methods.

Imago relationship therapy

Imago relationship therapy, developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt in 1980, emphasizes the connection between adult relationships and childhood experiences.

By understanding childhood trauma, the therapy seeks to make couples more empathetic and understanding of one another.

Solution-focused therapy

If you’re experiencing a particular issue or want to work toward a specific goal, solution-focused therapy is a model to consider.

According to the Institute for Solution-Focused Therapy, the practice is “a short-term goal-focused evidence-based therapeutic approach which helps clients change by constructing solutions rather than dwelling on problems.”

Couples therapy exercises and activities

Get crafty

“Having a physically visible vision board can help remind you of your shared desires and goals for when you are having issues within the relationship,” Louis says.

She advises couples to get crafty by writing down goals and collecting pictures that embody your relationship desires.

“It’s a tangible reminder that a marriage is a work in progress, and that it takes hard work and time on both ends to create a strong, healthy, and long lasting relationship,” she says.

Find deeper topics to engage with

Get over surface-level conversations and ask your partner questions other than “What’s for dinner?”

Kelly Sinning, a Colorado-based licensed professional counselor, likes to give her clients the homework of simply talking with each other.

“Oftentimes, we get so busy and caught up in the day-to-day needs, we don’t realize that we stop having conversations about anything else,” she explains.

Express appreciation

Expressing gratitude and communicating what works in your relationship can help strengthen your appreciation for one another.

“Make it a habit of expressing appreciation daily through in-person conversations, texts, or a sticky note in a place your partner will find it,” suggests Meagan Prost, a licensed professional clinical counselor at Center for Heart Intelligence.

Identify your partner’s love language

Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you experience love in the same way.

“The 5 Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman has helped couples identify what makes them feel loved so they can show up for each other.

The five love languages are based on the idea that each person has a preferred way of receiving love:

  • receiving gifts
  • acts of service
  • words of affirmation
  • quality time
  • physical touch

Take the online quiz with your partner to discover your love language and better understand each other.

Schedule important conversations

Are you looking to have an important or difficult discussion with your partner? Take it from the experts: Serious talks are best when you have a plan.

“We often engage in conflict because the timing is wrong, and we aren’t in a frame of mind where we can thoughtfully engage in conversation,” says Alisha Powell, PhD, LCSW, with Amethyst Counseling and Consulting.

She advises tough conversations be scheduled in advance so no one is caught off guard.

Pencil in one-on-one time

While life can feel hectic, don’t let outside pressures override time with your partner.

“Scheduling an hour of ‘couples time’ to get intimate is a great start. Scheduling an hour of time to focus on topics that will help improve the relationship can be done several times a week or once a week,” says Grazel Garcia, LMFT.

Fill your intimacy bucket

As a couple and as individuals, understand that you both have intimacy needs.

Garcia calls this the “intimacy bucket,” which includes the following types of intimacy:

  • intellectual
  • experiential
  • social
  • emotional
  • sexual

Spend time finding exercises in each bucket. For example, you can explore a new hobby together or socialize with mutual friends on a Zoom game night.

Practice partner yoga

Consider teaming up with your partner for couples yoga.

Partner yoga allows you to balance together with your partner, establishing and strengthening trust as you flow through tandem moves.

A 2016 study linked mindfulness to increased relationship satisfaction. By synchronizing your breathing, you’ll be one with your partner during your practice — and the benefits may even exceed your yoga class.

The 6-second kiss

Don’t knock this technique before you try it. Dr. John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute, advocates for the 6-second kiss. It’s a way for couples to add a dash of romance seamlessly throughout the day.

The kiss is just long enough to be passionate while also acting as a distraction from the busyness of the day.

Show interest in each other’s day

When was the last time you asked your partner what they were most excited about for the day?

Spending a few moments discussing your partner’s agenda and goals will help support them and make them feel cared for in your relationship.

With her clients, Prost finds that “curiosity can help your partner feel connected to you.”

Share a list of things you want from your partner

Write down three things your partner could do weekly that would make you happy. Share your list with one another while looking in each other’s eyes.

The lists may not be something your partner can do every day, but a reminder of things they can manage to do once a week to help build trust and communication.

“The point is that we all show and need affection in different ways, and honoring those differences is essential to feeling heard and understood,” says Nyro Murphy, LCPC.

Have an icebreaker

You might remember icebreakers from summer camp or work seminars, but this go-to conversation-starting game may help reinvigorate your relationship and teach you something new about your partner.

Reintroduce yourself to your partner by setting time to discuss icebreaker questions that dig beneath the surface.

Connect through music

Remember the days of making your school crush the ultimate mixtape?

A 2011 study found that shared music preferences create stronger social bonds.

Feel the nostalgia and curate your own playlist of songs that remind you of your partner and the moments you’ve shared. Swap your playlists and get a peek into each other’s romantic side.

Start a book club for two

Reading can allow you to share an experience together at your own pace. Alternate the responsibility of choosing a book that’s grabbed your attention, and set a date to discuss it over dinner.

Eye gazing

Initiating long-held eye contact with your partner may help you two feel a stronger connection.

Prolonged eye contact can help you recognize emotions, build trustTrusted Source, and increase intimacy.

A 2018 study associated eye gazing with “self-other merging,” reducing the boundary between yourself and the other person to feel unity.

As the saying goes, the eyes are the window to the soul, so why not give it a try?

Practice gratitude

Gratitude has many benefits, including boosting well-being for yourself and your relationship.

A 2017 studyTrusted Source found that sharing gratitude with your partner increases oxytocin, a hormone that helps calm you and decrease stress. Researchers in the study found that gratitude led to a “greater experienced love” in the 129 participants.

At the end of each day, take time to share three things you’re grateful for with your partner.

Increase your cuddle time

There’s a reason why cuddling with your partner feels so good: Cuddling causes your body to release oxytocin and reduces cortisol, the stress hormone.

Penn Medicine reports that hugging can also lower resting blood pressure and regulate sleep patterns. If you’re feeling warm and fuzzy, your body is doing its job!

Invest in a therapy workbook

Find a couples therapy workbook in a book store or online and take time each week to go through assigned activities with your partner.

Dr. Annie Hsueh, PhD, of Hope and Sage Psychological Services, recommends her clients read and answer the question prompts in “Hold Me Tight” by Dr. Sue Johnson.

Hsueh also recommends “The Couple Home Connection System,” a workbook filled with exercises designed to help couples connect in “deeper, more meaningful ways.”

Unplug from your devices

According to a 2014 report by the Pew Research Center, 25 percent of people in a serious relationship say cellphones distract their partner when they’re alone together.

If distraction and a feeling of absenteeism is infiltrating your relationship, experiment with setting aside time to fully unplug and communicate with each other.

Every relationship has conflict. Learning how to handle your conflicts can not only patch up your issues but also make your relationship much stronger.

In couples therapy, a licensed counselor works with two people to improve their relationship.

Like any form of therapy, couples counseling requires a commitment and willingness to open up from both involved parties.

According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, more than 98 percent of people reported marriage and family therapy services as good or excellent.

Counseling doesn’t have to be a guarded practice reserved for any “type” of person. Couples therapy can help anyone in a relationship, regardless of demographics like sexual orientation and age.

“Couples can form a more secure bond with one another and be able to have vulnerable conversations without pushing the other person away,” Hsueh says.

When committing to couples therapy, come with an open mind, and be ready to break down the barriers of communication.

If you’re in need of a relationship refresh, counseling may be a great option for you.

No matter your situation, every couple can benefit from participating in couples therapy and acquiring a toolkit to deepen their connection with their loved one.

“The benefits to couples therapy are endless. The mere act of seeking couples therapy can be a demonstration of the significance and importance you place on your relationship,” says Nikki Young, LMFT.

“My goal in couples therapy is to teach couples how to navigate life together as a team, so that ultimately they say, ‘Hey, thanks for the support, but we got it from here,’” she adds.

The perks of couples therapy can include:

  • having a third-party mediator to help facilitate constructive conversations
  • finding new ways to communicate with your partner
  • decreasing distress and conflict within your relationship
  • being intentional with your time and words
  • setting time to dedicate to the improvement of your relationship
  • creating a safe, calm space in therapy to discuss difficult topics
  • practicing techniques to enhance emotional and physical intimacy
  • forming action plans to make your relationship a priority
  • identifying harmful or damaging patterns in your relationship and working around them
  • rebuilding trust with one another
  • establishing healthy boundaries in your relationship
  • having a therapist who can identify underlying issues and emotions you might not be aware exist
  • discovering and developing valuable skills to manage conflict
  • finding common ground and learning to relate to each other in a loving, kind way
  • feeling supported and listened to in your relationship
  • building skills to identify your needs and wants in a relationship

When it comes to committing to couples therapy, partners can start therapy for any reason that causes them conflict, distress, or mistrust.

Some common reasons couples may seek therapy include:

  • the need to rebuild trust after infidelity or deceit
  • to enhance physical and emotional intimacy if you’re feeling unsatisfied
  • to overcome trauma
  • going through a transition together, like parenthood or a big move
  • having different, conflicting views on how to parent
  • to help manage substance use disorder recovery for one or both partners
  • to learn more about the relationship and prevent future
  • feeling lost in the busyness of life
  • experiencing the grief of losing a loved one
  • the desire to have fun within your relationship and reignite your spark
  • anger issues that make it difficult to resolve conflict in a rational way
  • wanting to define the significance and seriousness of a relationship with the help of a third party
  • working through infertility
  • blended families and step-parenting
  • career pressures and job changes
  • financial problems

“Oftentimes, couples wait to seek therapy until they have reached a point of crisis within their relationship. And while this is likely a fitting time to seek couples therapy, please consult with a provider to ensure couples counseling is the right avenue of support,” Young says.

But in dangerous or dire situations, mental health professionals may advise another path.

“There are times when couples therapy is not indicated, such as situations of characterological domestic violence or an ongoing affair. In situations such as these, the therapist will likely recommend individual counseling instead,” she says.

No problem is too big or small for therapy, especially with the help of an experienced licensed professional.

From feeling disconnected to your partner to overcoming infidelity, exercises and techniques developed by licensed therapists can rehabilitate your relationship and improve your communication skills.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Curious about sex therapy?

This is what it involves

By Kellie Scott

If you’ve never had sex therapy, you might rely on how it’s portrayed in film and TV for some insight.

“A lot of people I’ve worked with recently said they didn’t even realise sex therapy was a thing until they saw Sex Education on Netflix,” says Melbourne sexologist Kassandra Mourikis.

The Australian Society of Sex Educators, Researchers and Therapists NSW (ASSERT NSW) defines sex therapy as a “specialised form of professional counselling that focuses on addressing the sexual concerns, sexual functioning and sexual expression of human beings”.

Removing the mystery around the process is important, because it can help with all kinds of concerns including desire, erectile dysfunction and sexual pain.

I spoke with a few sex therapists to find out what it’s really like.

How do you pick the right sex therapist?

Sex therapy is a self-regulated industry. That means untrained and inexperienced people can call themselves sex therapists.

For example, a qualified counsellor might decide to work in sexology based on books they’ve read.

Or someone with no qualifications might attend a six-week course and call themselves a sexologist.

Or, they might take an academic approach by completing a Bachelor of Psychology and a Masters of Sexology, for example.

Regulatory bodies like ASSERT NSW and the Society of Australian Sexologists Ltd (SAS) hold sex therapists to a certain standard.

SAS, for example, has developed guidelines for the accreditation of sexologists who work as psychosexual therapists, sex therapists, sexuality educators and sexologists.

SAS national chairperson Lisa Torney says you can check its list of accredited sex therapists, but there are also many capable and experienced sex therapists who aren’t accredited.

She recommends having a phone chat with a prospective therapist to find out if they are a good fit.

Ms Mourikis suggests asking about their specialty and for an overview of how they might be able to help you before committing to a session.

What do you talk about with a sex therapist?

Sex therapy can assist with sexual education, sexual trauma, intimacy issues, physical difficulties, relationships problems, lacking or high desire, sexual pain and more.

Often, a sex therapist will specialise in one or a few areas.

One area Ms Mourikis focuses on is helping clients with sexual, genital and pelvic pain.

“Then that connects with communicating with your partner and relationship conflict … and creating pain management plans,” she says.

“I also work with [people on] prioritising pleasure or working out why [they] find it really hard to make time for pleasure or experience pleasure in their body and sometimes that comes down to trauma work, unpacking cultural myths, unpacking body image and self-esteem.”

Brisbane and Gold Coast-based sexologist Dr Armin Ariana more often sees male clients, and specialises in erection difficulties, early or delayed ejaculation, and relationships.

He says while opening up about sex can be difficult, information shared with a sex therapist is confidential.

“The first lesson we learn is to not be judgemental and to treat people unconditionally,” he says.

Will a sex therapist watch me have sex?

Wasn’t sure we needed to go there, but this is something Ms Mourikis has been asked!

No, you will not have sex or be watched having sex in a therapy session.

Are there props involved?

In Sex Education, there are a few dildos laying around the office of Dr Jean Milburn, played by Gillian Anderson.

“Some sex therapists might show you sex toys or models of genitals,” Ms Mourkis says.

“They might have different kinds of lubes you can look at.

“Over video chat they do tend to show models.”

Can I only see a sex therapist in person?

While you may prefer to see a sex therapist in person, many offer phone and virtual sessions.

For Ms Mourikis, this method of therapy grew during social distancing and she says many clients enjoyed it.

“A lot of people have mentioned that is has helped them do deeper work and explore things that are a bit more difficult.”

It’s also more accessible for people with disabilities or who live in rural areas, for example.

However, Dr Ariana says some people have privacy concerns regarding virtual meetings, or find it easier to reflect with a person physically in the room.

Can more than one person attend a session?

How many people can attend a sex therapy session will be up to you and the therapist, but typically they see individuals or couples.

“I’m open to working with a polyamorous threesome,” Ms Mourikis says as an example.

How long does a session go for?

The average session is 50 minutes — which is really an hour for the therapist. They will spend 50 minutes with you and 10 minutes making notes afterwards.

Some therapy sessions may vary anywhere between 45 and 90 minutes.

How much will it cost?

Therapists commonly charge anywhere from $90 to $250 or more, depending on how long the session is, their level of expertise, where they are located (rent costs) and other factors.

“A clinical psychologist who might specialise in sexology can have a Medicare rebate,” Dr Ariana says.

Do you get homework?

Ms Mourikis might assign exercises like quizzes or reading tasks.

“Sometimes it might be a sex menu with various activities to try with your partner and figure out what you’re into.”

Dr Ariana might assign the “six-second kiss” or massage techniques.

“I give them homework about how to interact which does involve physical activity,” he says.

“Other times I might give them meditation and mindfulness tasks.”

If you’re still nervous about trying sex therapy, Ms Torney says therapists work hard at creating a relaxed and comfortable environment to help with your needs.

“People think it’s going to be awkward and uncomfortable and embarrassing — it’s not.

“Sex therapists are people very comfortable talking about sex.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

How not to destroy your relationship during lockdown

By Melody Thomas

Humans don’t deal all that well with uncertainty – not knowing what’s about to happen causes us more stress than knowing for certain something bad is. In the face of a global pandemic, where the outcomes are largely unknown, many romantic relationships will experience an increase in tension and conflict.

Uncertainty breeds stress breeds tension and irritation. If you’ve found yourself lashing out at your partner during lockdown, or else closing down completely, then you’re certainly not alone. But if you want to get out the other side with your relationship still intact, you might want to engage some better strategies.

Nic Beets and Verity Thom are sex and relationship therapists who have been married for 40 years and are currently in self-isolation with their two adult children.

The secret to ‘making it through’, they say, lies in kindness and collaboration.

“Cut each other a bit of slack, dig deep and be your best self,” advises Verity, “You ‘do lockdown’ do not let lock down ‘do’ you both.”

Routine

Chances are your new normal looks a lot different to how it did two weeks ago. Putting in the effort now to clearly outline a lockdown routine could save you a good number of arguments later on.

“Talk about what everyone needs for this isolation together to work, for example, ‘I need two hours to myself where I’m not in charge of the kids each day’ or ‘I need to go and do some work in the work-shed each afternoon’,” says Verity.

Try to make sure everybody gets a say, and all needs are being addressed equally.

“The trick is to get through the conversation without someone feeling like they are being told what to do, or without someone appeasing or complying grudgingly and then later getting resentful,” says Nic.

A pandemic magnifies all existing inequalities, so if they’re already present in your home, they’re likely to become a point of tension. Is one of you being expected to take care of all the childrearing while the other engages in paid work? How can you ensure each of you gets a break from the individual stresses those things entail?

“Attitude is so important,” adds Verity, “We can do this, we are in this together, we need to collaborate to sort out a new routine.”

Criticism

If you’re used to spending most days apart, there’s a good chance you’re going to get on each other’s nerves. That’s to be expected.

Try to make sure you have space to do your own thing, even if just nipping out for a walk or off to read a book, and when things do pop up that are getting to you, set aside a time to talk about them as calmly and empathetically as you can.

One thing you really want to avoid is criticism.

Whereas some relationship complaints are entirely legitimate, criticism is often used as a shield – where the overcritical person masks their own fear, hurt, sadness or shame by lashing out.

Criticism can be incredibly damaging to a relationship, researcher John Gottman has identified it as one of four key predictors of a relationship’s demise, for the way it corrodes trust and intimacy.

It also has very little effect on the other person’s behaviour (other than causing them to become defensive) so if you actually want to see something change you might want to try a different tact.

“I encourage people to do a big preamble,” says Nic, “Clearly state the positive thing you’re trying to achieve – like, ‘Hey I know I’ve been distant and I don’t want to be like that, so I want to talk to you about something that’s bugging me. But I don’t want you to feel attacked…I’m asking you to change something but it’s not because you’re wrong, it’s just that I’m not dealing with it very well.”

Conflict resolution

When arguments do happen, it’s more important now than ever to learn when and how to disengage, rather than escalate.

“When we feel trapped we’re more likely to operate from the primitive self-protected part of our brain, the limbic system,” says Nic, “You need to get away from each other to let that part of the brain settle down.”

Easier said than done during a lockdown, but there are still options open to you.

“Have a shower or a bath, listen to some calming music or relaxation programmes or sounds on your device. These are all quick ways to change your mood state,” says Verity.

Going for a walk or a run is also a great option.

“Movement reminds the limbic system that we’re not trapped, we have choices,” says Nic.

Do remember to come back together when you’re calm and try again. Many couples swear by a regular check-in, where grievances can be aired and worked through when everyone’s feeling up to it.

Just make sure you’re both getting a say.

“Shutting down or going on and on – talking ‘at’ the other person or needing to talk a tonne – are two different ways of dealing with anxiety and stress. Neither are that helpful, so try not to do either of these two extremes,” says Verity.

Physical intimacy / sex

The relationship between stress and sexual intimacy is complicated – for some, stress causes their sex drive to shut down, where for others sex is an easy and natural way to seek reassurance and closeness.

If your sexual responses to stress aren’t matched then likely you’ve already noticed it before this, but lockdown is likely to exacerbate the situation.

“Of course, the answer is to have a conversation about it where, as always, no-one is made to feel wrong for being the way they are,” says Nic.

“If you’re someone who shuts down sexually under stress, then your partner is going to experience that as control and resent it, unless they understand it’s not something you’re choosing to do, it’s just the way it is.”

Nic likes to point out that there’s a difference between “feeling like sex” (as in being turned on) and “wanting” to be sexual, as in wanting sex to be a part of your relationship or part of your life. If you do want sexual touch to be part of your life, that’s a place you can work from together.

“Generally speaking, shutting down verbally or sexually is not that smart during tough times when staying connected as a tight team is wise,” says Verity.

You may prefer one form of connecting over the other, but it’s worth putting effort into the one that doesn’t feel so natural to you.

“Find space to talk some, be affectionate some, be sexual some. It doesn’t have to be all about intercourse and orgasm… Just making out or sharing a hot bath or shower, or giving a massage… Take it slow for the person who does not normally seek sexual connection when things are stressful. Be spacious, relaxed and maybe laugh a little,” says Verity.

The silver lining

While isolation is understandably causing street and anxiety for many, Verity and Nic are also finding that a lot of couples are pulling together better than they usually do.

“Maybe they’re doing it for the kids or because the situation feels so critical… But regardless, they’re getting used to striving to be calmer, steadier and kinder than they normally aim for,” says Verity, “I’m urging them to try that hard once this is all over!”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Bed Death Is Real.

Here’s How to Keep It from Turning into a Sexless Marriage

by PureWow

If you and your S.O. haven’t done the deed in six months or longer, you are not alone. In fact, you are trending. If you believe recent headlines, tons of married or long-term couples all over the world are in the midst of a full-blown sex strike. Even Pink is talking about it: “…you’ll go through times when you haven’t had sex in a year,” the singer and mom of two recently said of her 13-year marriage to Carey Hart. “Is this bed death? Is this the end of it? Do I want him? Does he want me? Monogamy is work! But you do the work and it’s good again

According to the New York Post, “’Dead bedrooms,’ the buzzy new term for when couples in long-term relationships stop having sex, are on a zombie-apocalypse-like rise.” It cites a study that shows 69 percent of couples are intimate 8 times a year or less; 17 percent of those surveyed hadn’t had sex in a year or more. This is on the heels of research out of the University of Chicago demonstrating that between the late 1990s and 2014, sex for all adults dropped from 62 to 54 times a year on average. And, per Time, “The highest drop in sexual frequency has been among married people with higher levels of education.”

In her cover story on The Sex Recession, The Atlantic’s Kate Julian reports on the many possible causes behind this unsexy ebb: “hookup culture, crushing economic pressures, surging anxiety rates, psychological frailty, widespread antidepressant use, streaming television, environmental estrogens leaked by plastics, dropping testosterone levels, digital porn, the vibrator’s golden age…helicopter parents, careerism, smartphones, the news cycle, information overload generally, sleep deprivation, obesity. Name a modern blight, and someone, somewhere, is ready to blame it for messing with the modern libido.”

Chances are you and/or your spouse are impacted by one (if not several) of the above. So what can you do to break a dry spell? Read on for expert tips.

1. Focus on each other as well as the kids

We could tell you to start putting each other first. But chances are it’s not gonna happen. Parents with children between the ages of 6 and 17 are having less sex than even those with younger children, according to research. Blame co-sleeping, snowplow parenting or “generalized family anxiety” caused by everything from travel soccer to SAT prep. More than past generations, parents are putting kids front and center, and their sex lives are taking a hit. Here’s advice from psychologist and author Dr. Debra Campbell: “Dispense with a ‘one-size-fits-all’ attitude to sex because passion and excitement thrive most on creativity and a bit of novelty. That means, don’t limit yourselves by thinking about sex as purely intercourse, as only happening at a particular time of day or night, or requiring certain circumstances— especially now circumstances have changed.” A weekly date night might not be feasible, but making out in the car after a parent-teacher conference could be. Hug occasionally. Say thank you. Kiss hello and goodbye. As relationship guru Dr. John Gottman says, good marriages thrive on “small things often” as opposed to the single, annual, grand romantic gesture.

2. Check your meds

This one’s complicated. Depression and anxiety inhibit sexual desire. But often, so do the essential antidepressants and birth control pills we take to mitigate both. However, depending on multiple personal factors, from physiology to psychology, you may find that a lower dose or a certain type of birth control impacts your sexual desire differently. You may have a better response to an IUD than to an oral contraceptive, for example. Definitely talk to your doctor. And (here’s an idea) bring your spouse in on the conversation.

3. Banish tech from your bedroom

For many long-term couples, Netflix and Chill evolves into Netflix and Pass Out. We’ve done deep dives into how phubbing can be toxic for romantic relationships. And research shows that sleep deprivation (whether it’s caused by parenthood, work worry or tech use) reduces sexual desire. More sleep = more and better sex. And it turns out all that late-night Instagram scrolling may be eating away at your self-esteem and your sex life as well as your sleep. “A large and growing body of research reports that for both men and women, social-media use is correlated with body dissatisfaction,” writes Julian in her Atlantic story. Feeling hot is key to arousal. Is watching a 26-year-old travel Influencer jog down the beach in Phuket going to help? “A review of 57 studies examining the relationship between women’s body image and sexual behavior suggests that positive body image is linked to having better sex. Conversely, not feeling comfortable in your own skin complicates sex.” Anything healthy and positive you can do for your body—and the less time you spend comparing it to anyone online in a bikini—will probably improve your sex life.

4. Stop counting

When it comes to sex, it’s quality over quantity. How often you do it matters less than how happy you are with your sex life, according to relationship therapist, author and sex researcher Dr. Sarah Hunter Murray. The average married couple has sex once a week or less, and those who do are just as happy—and perhaps happier—than those having it two to three times a week, per research in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science. “The frequency with which we have sex receives a lot of attention because it’s the easiest way to measure and compare our sex lives to our peers,” writes Hunter Murray. “But having lots of bad sex isn’t going to make anyone happy nor is it going to leave you feeling satisfied.” She advises looking at the reasons why you’re not having sex and doing what you can to work on those together. Is it because you approach money differently? He’s critical of your parenting style? Your careers are in different stages? You resent the division of household labor or carry more than your share of the mental load? What can you do to communicate about or change your circumstances? “If we are fighting or falling out of love with our partner, not having sex could be a symptom of a much larger problem,” writes Hunter Murray. “However, if we are simply busy, sick, navigating parenthood, or identify as asexual (and the list goes on) then it may be more circumstantial and nothing to panic over.” The bottom line? Less frequent good sex is better than bi-weekly sex that leaves you cold or not feeling any closer.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

5 Ridiculously Common Worries Sex Therapists Hear All the Time

For anyone asking, “Am I normal?”

By Anna Borges

Fun sex things to talk about: enthusiastic consent, pleasure, sex toys, kink, orgasms, positions, intimacy. Less fun sex things to talk about: insecurity, inadequacy, unwelcome pain, dysfunction, internalized stigma, embarrassment. Understandable. No one wants to sit around chatting about their deepest sexual anxieties. But when you rarely see people having these less sexy conversations, it’s easy to assume you’re the only one who might have a complicated relationship with sex. You’re not.

“The sex education standard in North America is fear-based, shame-inducing messages that erase pleasure and consent,” sex therapist Shadeen Francis, L.M.F.T., tells SELF. “Because of this, there is a lot of room for folks to worry. Most of the insecurities I encounter as a sex therapist boil down to one overarching question: ‘Am I normal

To help answer that question, SELF asked a few sex therapists what topics come up again and again in their work. Turns out, no matter what you’re going through, more people than you might think can probably relate.

1. You feel like you have no idea what you’re doing.

Listen, good sex takes practice. It’s not like sex ed often covers much outside the mechanics: This goes here, that does that, this makes a baby. For the most part, people are left to their own devices to figure out what sex is actually like. A lot of the time, that info comes from less-than-satisfactory places, like unrealistic porn that perpetuates way too many myths to count. So if you’re not super confident in your abilities and sometimes feel like you have no idea what you’re doing, you’re not the only one.

This is especially true for people whose genders and sexualities aren’t represented in typical heteronormative sex ed. “Intersex people, gender non-conforming people, and trans people rarely have been centered in sexual conversations and often are trying to navigate discovering what pleases them and communicating that with partners outside of gender tropes,” says Francis.

People also worry that they’re straight up bad in bed all the time, Lexx Brown-James, L.M.F.T., certified sex educator and the founder of The Institute for Sexuality and Intimacy in St. Louis, tells SELF. “The most common question I get is, ‘How do I know if I’m good at sex?’” This, Brown-James emphasizes, isn’t the right question to be asking. Not only is everyone’s definition of “good sex” different, but it’s not going to come down to something as simple as your personal skill set. It’s about consensually exploring and communicating about what feels good, emotionally and physically, with your partner or partners.

2. You’re embarrassed about masturbation.

Depending on a few different factors, you might have a lot of internalized shame and self-consciousness around masturbation. Maybe you grew up in an environment that told you it was dirty or wrong, maybe no one talked to you about it at all, or maybe you’ve always felt a little nervous about the idea of pleasuring yourself. According to Francis, a lot of people have masturbation-related hangups.

If that sounds familiar, it’s important to remember how common masturbation is and that there’s no “right” way to do it. Not only do people of all ages, abilities, races, genders, religions, sizes, and relationship statuses masturbate, but there are tons of different ways to go about it, too. “People masturbate using their hands, their body weight, their toys, and various household or ‘DIY’ implements,” says Francis. Same goes for how people turn themselves on—people masturbate to fantasies, memories, visual and audio porn, literature, and a lot more. Some masturbate alone, while others also do it in front of or with their sexual partner or partners. Sex therapists have heard it all.

Basically, if your way of masturbating feels good to you and does not create harm for yourself or others, then it is a wonderfully healthy part of your sexuality and you should embrace it, says Francis. (Just make sure you’re being safe. So…don’t use any of these things to get yourself off.)

3. You worry that you’re not progressive enough.

You’ve probably noticed that lifestyles like kink and polyamory are bleeding into the mainstream. It’s not unusual to stumble across phrases like “ethically non-monogamous” and “in an open relationship” while swiping through a dating app.

According to sex therapist Ava Pommerenk, Ph.D., this increased visibility is having an unfortunate side effect: Some people who aren’t into the idea of polyamory or kink have started to feel like they’re…well, boring or even close-minded. Which is not true! But plenty of people equate alternative sexual practices with progressiveness when it’s really about personal preference. If you’ve been thinking your vanilla nature makes you old-school, just keep in mind that it’s totally OK if any kind of sexual act or practice isn’t your thing

While we’re on the topic, it’s worth noting that both non-monogamy and kink can be wonderful but require a lot of trust and communication. Some people who aren’t educated on the ethics involved are taking advantage of these practices as buzzwords to excuse shitty behavior.

“I get a lot of people, particularly women in relationships with men, whose [partners are] making them feel guilty for not opening up their relationship,” Pommerenk tells SELF. At best, that kind of behavior means there’s been some serious misunderstanding and miscommunication, but at worst, it can suggest an unhealthy or even emotionally abusive dynamic, says Pommerenk. If that sounds familiar to you, it’s worth unpacking, possibly with the help of someone like a sex therapist. You can also reach out to resources like the National Dating Abuse Helpline by calling 866-331-9474 or texting “loveis” to 22522 and the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 800-799-SAFE (7233) or through email or live chat on the hotline’s contact page.

4. You feel pressured to have sex a certain way or amount.

“One aspect of this that I see a lot—and this is true for all genders—is pressure to perform,” sex therapist Jillien Kahn, L.M.F.T., tells SELF. “[That] can include things like the pressure to have sex at a certain point in dating, feeling expected to magically know how to please a partner without communication, and/or fear of sexual challenges and dysfunctions.”

Kahn likes to remind her clients that sex isn’t a performance. “The best sex happens when we forget the pressure and are able to connect with our bodies and partners,” she says. “If you’re primarily concerned with your own performance or making your partner orgasm, you’re missing out on so much of the good stuff

Pommerenk also says it’s not uncommon for her clients to worry about the consequences of not being sexually available to their partners. For example, they feel like they’re bad partners if they’re not in the mood sometimes or that their partners will leave them if they don’t have sex often enough. A lot of this is cultural messaging we have to unlearn. It’s not difficult to internalize pressure to be the “perfect” sexual partner. After all, people in movies and porn are often ready and available for sex at all times. But much like worrying that you’re not open-minded enough, if this is how your partner is making you feel or something that they’re actually threatening you about, that’s not just a sexual hangup of yours—it’s a sign of potential emotional abuse.

5. You’re freaked out about a “weird” kink, fetish, or fantasy.

“Many of my clients seem to have a fantasy or enjoy a type of porn they feel ashamed of,” says Kahn. Some of these clients even feel ashamed to mention their fantasies or preferred porn in therapy, she adds. “The thing is, the vast majority of your fantasies have been around far longer than you have. The porn you look at was developed because a lot of people want to watch it. Even in the rare exception of unique fetishes or fantasies, there is nothing to be ashamed of,” says Kahn.

It can help to remember that just because you have a fantasy or like a certain type of porn doesn’t necessarily mean you want to do any of it IRL. According to Kahn, that’s an important distinction to make, because people often feel guilty or panicked about some of the thoughts that turn them on. For example, rape fantasies aren’t unheard of—in fact, like many fantasies, they’re probably more common than you’d expect, says Kahn—and they don’t mean that a person has a real desire to experience rape.

“I try to make sure my clients know that the fantasy doesn’t necessarily mean anything about them, so it is not necessary to try and analyze it,” says Kahn. “Whatever you’re fantasizing about, I can confidently tell you that you’re far from the only person excited by that idea.”

What if you do want to carry out a fantasy you’re worried is weird? Again, as long as you’re not actively harming yourself or anyone else, chances are pretty good that whatever you’re into sexually is completely OK—and that you can find someone else who’s into it, too.

If you’re still feeling embarrassed about any of your sexual practices, desires, or feelings, Kahn has these parting words: “Sexual anxiety and insecurity [are] such a universal experience. There’s constant comparison to this continually changing image of sexual perfection. [People should] discuss sex more openly for many reasons, and if we did, we would see how incredibly common sexual insecurity is.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

What Is Sex Therapy?

And What Is It That Sex Therapists Do?

By Rita DeMaria

Here’s how to tell if sex therapy is right for you.

How many people have you known who confided in you that they went to a sex therapist or were considering sex therapy for intimacy problems in their marriage?

For many people, talking about sex with a partner is not always easy, so reaching out to a sex therapist might actually be a more comfortable way to address any concerns you have about your sex life.

So what is sex therapy, and how can working with a sex therapist help you create a stronger, healthier sexual relationship with your partner or spouse?

Sex therapy is defined as “a strategy for the improvement of sexual function and treatment of sexual dysfunction.” Sex therapy addresses a wide range of clinically described sexual behaviors and difficulties that create sadness, fear, frustration, and disappointment for people who want to explore and enjoy their sexuality.

Sex therapists provide focused and personal attention, typically in a private office setting, where couples — or individuals — can talk about their sexual relationship and any differences or problems they’re experiencing relating to physical intimacy.

Individuals often contact a sex therapist with very specific concerns. In contrast, many couples often look first for a couples therapist and then see if sex therapy is offered, too. Sometimes it’s very difficult for couples to decide which direction they want, especially if one or both of them aren’t so sure how sex therapy will go.

Sex therapists typically begin with an assessment of each person’s sexual history. Then, they’ll explore other experiences within the current relationship or address ongoing sexual problems like premature ejaculation or inhibited sexual desire.

In addition to sex therapists, there are also sex educators and sex counselors who can become certified by a national organization, the American Association for Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT). There is also an international non-profit organization, the Society of Sex Therapy and Research (SSTAR). SSTAR provides a forum for sex research and treatment, exploring many facets of human sexuality.

Most people don’t know what they don’t know about sex, which is why working with a sex therapist can help.

Some people aren’t sure if love is a necessary and important aspect of sex, but the truth is love and sex do go together.

Yes, people have sex with people they don’t know well. But generally, people prefer having good to great to sex with someone when they feel affection toward their sexual partner(s). Given the chemistry of romantic love, a sexual bond came become much greater than a friendship and go beyond affection.

Positive sex education, knowledge, and awareness are essential for men and for women (and for children, too).

Sexual counseling is also very important, though it differs from sex therapy. This type of counseling is often offered by a wide range of medical people (nurses, doctors, midwives), as well as in sexual health clinics and educational classes, where very important information and misinformation can be talked about individually or in groups.

Sex therapists provide intensive attention to difficulties and fears that individuals or couples experience and have knowledge and expertise in exploring their sexual desire and negotiating their sexual relationship.

Sexual problems and mismatches are common in committed and marriage relationships.

Even when couples have been together for a long time, you could be surprised to know that having a passionate and loving sex life can also last a lifetime.

Yet sadly, sex is often surrounded by secrecy and insecurity. Talking openly with your partner about your sexual thoughts and feelings, as well as sharing your fantasies, is an important key to a pleasurable relationship.

The root of sexual ignorance, shame, and embarrassment can be deep. Although there is so much information available, marriage, couple, and family therapy were interconnected with sex therapy in the early years with a focus on marital difficulties around sex. Premarital counseling, which also included attention to sex, began in the early decades of the twentieth century.

The evolution of sex therapy has been very important in helping individuals and couples with often complicated sexual experiences. These can include sexual traumas, sexual abuse, and a wide range of diagnoses from sexual desire, arousal, orgasm, and pain disorders, and many more sexual problems, like healing from infidelity.

Sex therapy can and will help you.

Sex is no longer a taboo subject, and it can last a lifetime for committed, loving couples. Both sexuality and sensuality can be an amazing personal experience.

Suffering from guilt, shame, misunderstandings, trauma, misinformation, and silence can be overcome with the help of a certified sex therapist. One of the most important aspects of having a healthy sexual relationship is the benefit of emotional and physical well-being.

Passion begins with your own sexual desire and fantasies, and so many people struggle and ignore the unique and amazing potential of what can happen when love, affection, desire, and sex expression combine. Your sexuality is a gift and if you’re worried that you’re not enjoying yours, don’t be afraid to reach out to a sex therapist for help.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Forget couples counselling,

it’s all about sex therapy now

More couples are going straight to sex therapy to support the relationship.

By Thomas Mitchell

A friend recently told me that he and his girlfriend had been seeing a sex therapist. Their sex life had been sliding, and they were struggling to connect, so they booked in for a few sessions. Fast forward to our conversation, and it had worked wonders for their relationship.

“It was the best thing we’ve ever done,” said Scott*, with the obvious glow of someone having top-shelf sex again. “But you should’ve seen my dad’s shocked face when I told him.”

For context, Scott is close to his dad and had wanted to share this development with him.
While he hadn’t predicted his dad’s disbelief, I was less surprised. Scott’s father was the kind of man who would say things like, “Come on now, that’s enough” if the conversation drifted towards sex at the dinner table.

But rather than focus on his old man’s failure to appreciate the value of sex therapy – that would be akin to being shocked by the sun rising each morning – I was delighted.

In the last six months, I’d heard many tales of people I knew employing sex coaches, attending seminars, working with sex therapists.

Adding Scott’s story to this pile, I was convinced I had (anecdotal) evidence of a pattern. As it turns out, I wasn’t too far off the mark.

“We certainly notice that people are more comfortable talking about their sex lives and that has been reflected in people using different sexual services,” says Fiona Barrett, a counsellor with Relationships Australia.

“I put it down to a cultural shift, Masters and Johnson did their groundbreaking sexual research in the late 1950s, but it takes a generation or two for people to get comfortable.”

“My parents wouldn’t have gone to a sex therapist,” adds Fiona.

“But today we’re finding middle-aged and young adults seeking out these services because sexuality is in the media, it’s talked about at dinner, people are open about their desires and needs.”

It’s a trend that Lisa Torney, a practising sex therapist with more than twenty years in the field, has witnessed.

“We’ve seen a cultural shift, people are aware that pleasure and intimacy are important aspects of their relationships,” says Lisa.

“And if that’s missing, they don’t want to just get help, they want to get specialised help.”

While some people still hear the words “sex therapy” and picture candles, blindfolds and soft music, the reality couldn’t be further from it.

“Sex therapy typically involves getting history on the couple or individual, to understand what their relationship with sex is like,” explains Lisa.

“We’re looking to decipher what factors are impacting on them – things like lack of confidence, having kids, age, illness, disability, previous negative experiences – and realising how that might affect their intimacy levels and how we can improve and work through that.”

As well as being a sex therapist, Lisa is the national chairperson of the Society of Australian Sexologists, a body that is growing as supply attempts to keep up with demand.

“Our membership keeps increasing, and we now offer two Masters degrees in Australia in sexology,” she says.

Meanwhile, sex education and intimacy coaching is also becoming popular, as couples and individuals look to prioritise pleasure. It differs from sex therapy in that there is less of a focus on counselling and more on coaching, to help people achieve the fulfilling sex lives they want.

Organisations catering to the carnally curious are popping up all around the country offering individual classes, group sessions or weekends away.

“More people than ever are looking for a better connection with their sensual self, they want to get back into their bodies because they have felt out of touch for far too long,” says Georgia Grace, a Sydney-based sex educator and coach.

At the mention of the ‘sensual self’, I can’t help but think of Scott’s disapproving dad frowning his way through a session.

But while he may not find anything useful in being coached, others do.

“Couples need education and training in how to relate, increase pleasure, ask for consent, practice boundaries and understand who they are as sexual individuals,” she says.

Now everyone knows there’s nothing sexier than statistics, so let’s heat things up with a little data.

The Australian Study of Health and Relationships is our most important study of sexual and reproductive health, only carried out once-in-a-decade, it delivers a snapshot of where we’re at sexually.

The most recent study, completed in 2016, found that while Australians are more experimental and open than ever, the frequency of sex in relationships has dropped. Perhaps that explains our desire to seek out help from therapists and coaches.

“We’re more at ease with sex, but there are also more intrusions now, even in the past two years since that study,” explains Georgia.

“People take their devices to bed, we’re living vicariously through our phones and it becomes hard for people, and couples, to switch off, so they can turn on.”

Both Lisa and Georgia admit that – “what’s a normal sex life?” – is one of the most common questions they hear from clients and both also agree, there is no such thing.

But in light of our increasing desire to explore, improve, understand and enjoy sex, it’s clear that
what’s not normal is the reaction of Scott’s father.

Eventually, I asked Scott what he said to his dad and his response was priceless – “come on now Dad, that’s enough.”

  • Scott’s name was changed to protect his privacy.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

8 Signs a Sex Therapist Might Improve Your Life

(and How to Find One)

People are trained to make your sex life better! What a world.

By Sophie Saint Thomas

You may have joked to friends that you don’t need therapy—you have them. But sometimes working through the hard stuff requires help from a neutral party who happens to be a licensed professional. If your hard stuff is about sex, a sex therapist may be your best option. Here are eight signs a sex therapist could be a great addition to your life, and after that, advice on actually finding one.

1. You’re experiencing pain or physical difficulty when you try to have sex.

It’s important to see a medical doctor first to rule out any physical conditions behind this, somatic (body-based) psychologist and certified sex therapist Holly Richmond, Ph.D., tells SELF. Unfortunately, a ton of things can cause horribly painful sex, like cervical inflammation from a sexually transmitted infection, endometriosis, and uterine fibroids. In that kind of situation, medical treatment may help ease difficulty having sex.

If you see a medical doctor and there is no physical issue at the core of your trouble with sex, that doesn’t make what you’re dealing with any less significant. Seeing a sex therapist to discuss any psychological components at play can be helpful, Richmond explains.

For instance, vaginismus, which causes painful vaginal muscle spasms during penetration, can stem from anxiety about having sex, according to the Cleveland Clinic. (That could include anxiety about it being painful even if any condition causing the pain has been treated.) It can also happen due to issues such as post-traumatic stress disorder from a sexual assault. Stress is one of many possible psychological causes behind erectile dysfunction, too.

Point is, the mental and physical are often so closely intertwined that painful sex is a very valid reason to see a sex therapist.

2. You’re processing sexual trauma.

It’s a misconception that trauma leaves all survivors incapable of being sexual beings. Enjoying sex after an assault is possible, and a sex therapist might help you get there.

Of course, recovering from a sexual assault is a different process for everyone. But for some people, a sex therapist is a better option than a more generalized mental health professional. “Oftentimes therapists will talk about the trauma, but there’s no resolution on how we move forward as our sexual selves,” says Richmond, who treats many survivors. “[Sex therapists] process the trauma and move forward to help you have sex with your partner. We can help you move from survivor to thriver.” That’s not to say a therapist who doesn’t specialize in sex can’t help you heal after an assault. But if you’d like to specifically focus on the sexual aspect, a sex therapist may be ideal.

3. You’re in a partnership with mismatched desires.

This can mean many things, like one person having a higher libido than the other or being interested in exploring a kink such BDSM, sex therapist Liz Powell, Ph.D., who often sees partners with mismatched desires, tells SELF.

While having a kink is generally becoming more accepted, disclosing one can still be scary. This is where a sex therapist can help. For instance, Richmond recalls a couple who came to her because the male partner was struggling with the female partner’s urge to explore her submissive side in a specific way. “She wanted to be called a slut, a whore, and her partner just could not do it. So, we had to figure out other ways for her to work within her fantasy,” Richmond says

If necessary, a sex therapist can also guide you through the realization that the partnership isn’t working due to incompatible desires. “So many people are just petrified of breakups [and] they choose to stay even when they’re not happy,” Powell says. Seeing a therapist together may help you figure out whether to salvage the relationship or bring it to a respectful end.

4. You want to explore opening up your relationship.

This is another scenario Powell, who specializes in LGBTQ+ communities along with kink and polyamory, sees quite often. A sex therapist can help a couple in this situation craft a relationship format that allows both of them to feel safe and fulfilled. That can mean everything from the freedom to have a one-night stand once a year while in another country to dating multiple partners.

Having an impartial, trained person involved can help ensure that no one is simply capitulating to something like an open relationship due to pressure (even the internal kind) and that both partners are respecting each other’s boundaries—even if that means splitting up.

5. You have questions about your gender identity.

The gender revolution is making progress. In one recent win, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio signed into law a provision that creates room for a third gender, X, on birth certificates.

But there are setbacks, too, as evidenced by the recent news that the Department of Health and Human Services wants to define gender as a fixed identity determined by a person’s genitals at birth. (It’s not.)

In light of the continued fight to have everyone’s gender identity respected, figuring out the right words or expression for your gender can be a daunting task. A sex therapist, particularly an LGBTQ+ friendly one, may be able to help you alone or with a partner, Powell says.

6. You’re exploring your sexual orientation.

As with gender, a sex therapist can help you navigate questions about your sexual orientation, reassure you that there’s nothing wrong with you, and aid you in your journey of self-discovery. This can be especially helpful if you’re in a monogamous relationship and experiencing sexual curiosity for people of genders other than your partner’s, Powell says.

A sex therapist could also be useful if you’re wondering whether or not you’re asexual or would like to talk about being asexual. “Some people think it’s a sex therapist’s job to make people have more sex and crazier sex, and [it’s] definitely not,” Richmond says. “You don’t have to have any sex. As long as you’re OK with it, I’m OK with it.”

7. You’re a current or former sex worker or dating someone who is.

Richmond says she frequently sees couples in which one person is or used to be a sex worker. A good sex therapist can help people uncover and eradicate any kind of internalized stigma around the profession. “In many people’s minds, because of our cultural lens, that’s something to be ashamed of,” Richmond says. “That’s not my view

Another important component may be helping the person not in the adult industry separate their partner from their sex work, Richmond says, explaining that people who are dating sex workers sometimes fetishize their partners accidentally. “Helping separate the person’s identity from [the adult industry] can be tricky because of the shame, but at the end of the day, you’re just dating another person,” she says.

8. You want to overcome sexual shame.

You may have noticed a theme here. From gender identity to surviving an assault to sex work and more, a sex therapist can help you deal with something that brings you shame even if that emotion is totally unwarranted. (As it is with everything on the above list.)

Both Powell and Richmond say that, deep down, most people who see them want to know if they’re “normal.” Shame has a funny way of making you feel like you’re not, and it’s the opposite of conducive to enjoying a healthy sex life. But it can also be almost impossible to escape. “Having grown up in a culture with so much shame, I think most of us could benefit from seeing a sex therapist,” Powell says. If anything is keeping you from having the love or sex life you always wanted, a sex therapist might be able to help you work through it.

Wishing you could teleport to a sex therapist’s office right now? Here’s the next best thing: advice on finding a great sex therapist you can afford.

Finding the right therapist can feel like dating. Despite their qualifications, therapists are humans, too. You might run into a therapist with their own sexual hang-ups or old-fashioned views, or just someone you don’t gel with. But when you find “the one,” there’s no feeling like it. Here are a few steps to try
1. If you have insurance, call and ask for help finding a local sex therapist. You can also look through their online directory. Since that may not allow you to filter specifically for sex therapists, you might still need to do some digging on the therapists’ backgrounds.

2. Richmond suggests looking into the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT). They have an online directory of local professionals. Not all of the professionals list their insurance policies, though, so you’ll need to visit their websites or get in touch with their offices to ask about that.

3. Online services such as ZocDoc and Psychology Today have filters that allow you to get more specific about what you want. For instance, on Psychology Today, you can drill the results down to sex therapists who specialize in gender identity, take your insurance, and participate in online therapy. (Even if it seems like you’ve landed upon your dream therapist, it’s always smart to call the office and verify that all the information you’ve found is up to date.)

4. Try asking your potential therapist’s office if they ever accept payment on a sliding scale and, if they do, which income brackets qualify. Unfortunately, not all therapists take insurance. Even if they do, your insurance may not cover your One True Sex Therapist. If your therapist accepts payment on a sliding scale, that can be a great way to lower your financial burden.

5. If price is still an issue, consider seeing a sex educator or a counselor instead of a therapist. Someone with a degree such as an M.S.W. (masters in social work) may have a lower rate than someone with a degree like a Ph.D., but should still be highly skilled.

6. Google “sex-positive therapist in [insert your city here].” You may find a network such as Manhattan Alternative, which lists sex-positive therapists in New York City who specialize in areas such as kink, ethical non-monogamy, and sexual assault survivorship.

7. If you’re looking for help specifically related to an LGBTQ+ issue, check out SELF’s guide on how to find an LGBTQ+ friendly doctor. Much of it extends to finding a sex therapist as well.

8. Ask about virtual sessions. If the best therapist you find isn’t in your city, remember that many are open to coaching you over the phone or virtually with a service like Skype or FaceTime, Richmond says. For all its potential ills, technology can be a beautiful thing.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Mindful sex: could it put an end to unhappiness in bed?

Mindfulness has been used to treat depression and encourage healthy eating. Now, with huge numbers of men and women reporting sexual dissatisfaction, it is being applied to our relationships

By

So there you are, in bed with your partner, having perfectly pleasant if serviceable sex, when your mind starts to wander: what was it you meant to put on your shopping list? Why didn’t your boss reply to your email? Don’t forget it’s bin day tomorrow.

Many of us feel disconnected during sex some or most of the time. At the more extreme end, sexual dysfunction – erectile problems, vaginal pain, zero libido – can severely hamper our quality of life and our relationships. In many cases, there could be a relatively simple, if not easily achieved, fix: mindfulness.

In essence, mindfulness involves paying attention to what is happening in the present moment and noticing, without judgment, your thoughts and feelings. It can reconnect us with our bodies – stopping us spending so much time in our heads – and reduce stress. It has been used by the NHS as a treatment for recurrent depression and popular books and apps have made it part of many people’s everyday lives. After mindful eating, drinking, parenting and working, mindful lovemaking is starting to be recognised more widely as a way to improve one’s sex life. (Earlier this year, the couples therapist Diana Richardson gave a TEDx talk on mindfulness in sex, which has been viewed 170,000 times on YouTube.)

A survey published in June by Public Health England found that 49% of 25- to 34-year-old women complained of a lack of sexual enjoyment; across all ages, 42% of women were dissatisfied. The most recent National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles, published in 2013, found that people in Britain were having less sex than they once did, with low sexual function affecting about 15% of men and 30% of women. Difficulty achieving orgasm was reported by 16% of women, while 15% of men suffered premature ejaculation and 13% experienced erectile dysfunction. Problems with sexual response were common, affecting 42% of men and 51% of women who reported one or more problems in the last year.

At the time, the researchers said modern life could be affecting our sex drives.
 
“People are worried about their jobs, worried about money. They are not in the mood for sex,” said Cath Mercer from University College London. “But we also think modern technologies are behind the trend, too. People have tablets and smartphones and they are taking them into the bedroom, using Twitter and Facebook, answering emails.”

Mindfulness is one of the tools that can help people focus in a world full of distractions. Kate Moyle, a psychosexual and couples therapist, says mindfulness is a recognised part of therapeutic work, even if it has not always been given that name. “When people have sexual problems, a lot of the time it’s anxiety-related and they’re not really in their bodies, or in the moment. Mindfulness brings them back into the moment. When people say they’ve had the best sex and you ask them what they were thinking about, they can’t tell you, because they weren’t thinking about anything, they were just enjoying the moment. That’s mindfulness.” Moyle says the techniques involve “encouraging people to focus on their sensations, explore their senses, hone in on what is happening in their body and how they’re experiencing it”.

A simple exercise Moyle recommends is “getting in touch with the senses in the shower – listen to the noise, the sensation of the water on your skin, notice any smells, see what the water tastes like, look around you. You’re really encouraging people to try to stay in their bodies, rather than be in their heads. It’s about refocusing their attention on what they can feel right now.”

Ammanda Major, the head of clinical practice at the relationship support organisation Relate, says mindful sex “is about focusing in the moment on what’s going on for you and making sure all the extraneous things get left behind. For example, if you’re being touched by your partner, it’s really focusing on those sensations. People may find themselves very distracted during sex, so this is a way of bringing themselves into their body and being totally aware of themselves in that moment.” It is now part of the standard advice and support Relate offers to clients, she says. “It can feel clunky to start with, but with practice people realise they’re able to engage in mindfulness without realising they’re doing it.” In short, it becomes a way of life. Other than focusing on sensations, people can bring into sex an awareness of “how nice your partner feels, or how nice they smell, or the sound of their voice – something that will bring you right back into the moment. When you have thoughts that distract you, one of the key issues is not to blame yourself, but just to acknowledge it and cast them adrift.”

At the Jane Wadsworth sexual function clinic at St Mary’s hospital in London, mindfulness is used in almost all sexual problems, says David Goldmeier, a clinical lead and consultant in sexual medicine. These approaches have been used in sex therapy since the 50s, but they were not known as mindfulness at the time. The American researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson used a technique called “sensate focus”, emphasising the exploration of physical sensations rather than focusing on the goal of orgasm.

A mindful approach can help men with erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. “If you have a man who has an erection problem and is stressed by it, a lot of his mind [during sex] will be worrying: ‘Have I got an erection or not?’” says Goldmeier. It is also used to help men and women who find it hard to orgasm or have low desire, as well as in sexual problems relating to abuse. “In our clinic, we see an awful lot of people with historical sexual abuse and [mindfulness is] a foundation for the trauma therapy they have. It is useful in sexual problems that are based in large part on past sexual abuse,” he says.

Lori Brotto, one of the leading researchers in this area, agrees. In her book Better Sex Through Mindfulness, she wrote of a study she published in 2012, which noted that “teaching sexual abuse survivors to mindfully pay attention to the present moment, to notice their genital sensations and to observe ‘thoughts’ simply as events of the mind, led to marked reductions in their levels of distress during sex”.

Brotto is a professor of psychology at the University of British Columbia and the executive director of the Women’s Health Research Institute in Canada. Having started sex research during her graduate degree, she began studying mindfulness in 2002. Mindfulness-based treatments had been used effectively for people with suicidal tendencies – these ancient techniques started to be used widely in western medicine in the 70s – and Brotto realised they could also be helpful for addressing the sexual concerns of women who had survived cancer. “What struck me was … how the patients I was seeing with suicidal tendencies, who would talk about feeling disconnected from themselves and having a real lack of awareness of their internal sensations, were very similar to the women with sexual concerns,” she says. “At that time, I thought: ‘If mindfulness could be an effective way of staying in the present and helping them manage these out-of-control behaviours, I wonder if it could also be a tool to help women reconnect with their sexual selves and improve their sexual functioning.’”

Sexual problems can be caused by a huge range of factors. Depression and stress can be triggers, as can the side-effects of antidepressants. Over time, these side-effects can become a psychological factor, as people worry that they are no longer sexually responsive. Problems can also be caused by physical conditions such as vaginal pain, or inhibitions and shame about sexual desire, particularly for some women and people in same-sex relationships. Survivors of sexual abuse, who learned to dissociate during an assault, can also experience distressing sexual problems in a later consensual and otherwise happy relationship. “Mindfulness is such a simple practice, but it really addresses many of the reasons why people have sexual concerns,” says Brotto.

At its most basic, she explains, mindfulness is defined as “present-moment nonjudgmental awareness. Each of those three components are critical for healthy sexual function. For a lot of women who report low desire, lack of response and low arousal in particular, all three of those domains are problematic.” Being “present” is critical. “Then there is the nonjudgmental part – countless studies have shown that people who have sexual difficulties tend also to have very negative and catastrophic thoughts: ‘If I don’t respond, my partner will leave me,’ or: ‘If I don’t have an adequate level of desire, I’m broken.’ Mindfulness and paying attention nonjudgmentally is about evoking compassion for yourself.”

Body image issues come up consistently, she says. “Women will often say they prefer to have the lights off, or they’ll redirect their partner’s hands away from the areas of their body they’re not happy with, or they may be worrying that a partner is perceiving their body in a negative way. All of those things serve to remove them from the present moment.”

As for awareness, Brotto says, “lots of data shows us that women, more so than men, tend to be somewhat disconnected from what’s happening in their bodies”. Her experiments have shown that women can experience physical arousal, such as increased blood flow to their vagina, but it barely registers mentally. “There may be a strong physiological response, [but] there’s no awareness in their mind of that response. We know that healthy sexual response requires the integration of the brain and body, so when the mind is elsewhere – whether it’s distracted or consumed with catastrophic thoughts – all of that serves to interrupt that really important feedback loop.”

It can be the same for some men, she says, but “there tends to be more concordance between the body’s arousal and the mind’s arousal. When men have a physical response, they’re also much more likely to have a mental sexual arousal response.”

While working with a group or a sex therapist can be helpful for people with sexual concerns, others can teach themselves mindfulness techniques using books or any number of apps. In her book, Brotto says mindfulness practice can be as simple as focusing on your breath. An exercise she uses involves focusing on a raisin (this is a well-established practice and there are many tutorials online). First, scrutinise it – its shape, size, smell, feel, its ridges and valleys – then put it to your lips and notice your anticipation and salivary response; finally, bite into it and observe, in detail, the taste and texture. This can teach us to focus on sensations and the moment, rather than mindlessly eating a handful of raisins. The same sort of attention can be applied to sex.

In Brotto’s eight-week group programme, people practice mindfulness techniques for 30 minutes each day, followed by a maintenance plan of between 10 and 15 minutes a day. For someone doing it on their own, she recommends starting with 10 minutes a day and trying to include a few 30-minute sessions. “The benefit of a longer practice is you get to deal with things such as boredom and frustration, and physical discomfort in the body, all of which you want to be able to work through,” she says. “A body scan is one of our favourites within the sexuality realm – that involves closing your eyes and really tuning in to the different sensations in different parts of your body and not trying to change anything, just observing. If people can start to do that in their life generally, on a regular basis, they strengthen that mindfulness ‘muscle’ and start to become more aware generally and they can take that newfound awareness into their sexuality.”

When we have better sex, we tend to want more of it, so it becomes a satisfying circle. “Desire is not a fixed level that each one of us has, but rather is adaptive and responsive to our situation,” says Brotto. “When sex is not satisfying, it makes sense that the brain adjusts itself and creates less [desire].”

Mindful sex does not have to be an intense, time-consuming session. “It can be very everyday; it doesn’t have to be a different type of sex,” says Moyle. “You might have sex the same way, in the same position, but you’re in a different headspace, so you’re experiencing it differently. People can think: ‘I’m not into mindfulness,’ or: ‘It’s a bit spiritual and I’m not,’ but it doesn’t have to be that. It can just be really straightforward – focusing your attention and fully experiencing sensations.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

What It’s Really Like To Be A Hands-On Sex Coach

Celeste & Danielle

By

[M]illions of Americans struggle with sex. We don’t like to talk about our coital troubles, though — so we read Men’s Health and Cosmo in private, hoping that one tip, one magic bullet, will allow us to become sex gods. Maybe sometimes these rapturous new moves work, but more often they lead to disappointment.

So what should you do when you want to be a better lover but don’t have a roadmap of how to get there? Who do you turn to when Hollywood has failed you and x-rated features have filled your head with unrealistic expectations of what sex ought to look like? Sometimes you see a sex therapist or an intimacy coach to talk about your problems. And other times… you need a little bit more. That’s where Celeste Hirschman and Danielle Harel (they’d prefer you just call them Celeste and Danielle) come in. They’re the founders of The Somatica Method, an interactive, experiential approach to sex coaching that helps clients break down emotional barriers connected to sex.

What makes The Somatica Method different than most other forms of sex therapy is that it exists in a place between counseling and sexual surrogacy. While communication is the bedrock of Celeste and Danielle’s practice — because good sex can’t happen without it — the duo also recognizes the importance of the physical realm during sessions, meaning that an appointment with them may include everything from a frank discussion about your sex life to a hands on lesson on how to bite your partner’s neck (they’ll practice with you) or throw them up against the wall (if that’s what you’re both into).

So who should get hands-on sex therapy? Can all of us achieve our dreams of leaving our partners gasping for more? We spoke to Celeste and Danielle about what being a sex coach is really like, what clients can get out of it, and how they handle even the toughest sexual problems.

Sex coaching isn’t just for the sexless.

Picture the type of person you think might seek out a sex coach. Is that person generally happy and healthy? Are they fulfilled in other areas of their lives? Are they already in a relationship? The cultural narrative (and every rom-com that revolves around professionals who helps clients lead better sex lives) suggests that only the strangest, neediest people will pay someone to coach them to be better lovers. That’s simply not true.

Committed couples come in regularly, Danielle tells us. They may seek out services because they have desires that they may not be able to talk about on their own. Or their levels of sexual desire may be vastly different and they want to find a happy medium. And men (both single and partnered) may come in because they’re realizing that being good at sex isn’t all about intercourse.

“Men come in because they want to figure out women,” Danielle says. “They can’t understand their wives or girlfriends or women they want to date and also to overcome physiological challenges including getting hard and controlling their orgasm. They want to be better lovers.”

Women set appointments for different reasons — often to work on pain during sex, to ask for help achieving orgasm, or to talk about low levels of sexual desire. Regardless of the reason, the first step in the Somatica Method is to make sure that no one feels stigmatized.

“There’s already so much shame in our culture about sex,” Celeste tells us. “Even now, when you’re seeing sex everywhere, we still have this underlying idea that sex is dirty or extraneous or unimportant, but the bottom line is we’re all sexual beings. We are wired that way from the beginning, but people have learned that sex is bad from many places. I do feel that we’re raising consciousness around sex and shame and we can see the people we work with get so more relaxed around their sexuality.”

You’re not showing up to have sex.

“When clients first come in we’ll sit and talk for a while to discover their issue,” Danielle tells us. “Then, depending on what the issue is, we’re going to do something experiential in that first session.”

If the word experiential sounds daunting, you may be relieved (or disappointed) to know that it’s much less scary than you think. No one’s going to demand that you undress. Instead, Danielle says, the practitioner may start with deep breathing exercises to get the client to feel more in their body and connect with themselves in a way that ignites erotic energy. Sometimes, the experiential portion of the session may include learning how to make eye contact (terrifying for many) or working on relaxing in sexual situations.

“It could be just talking about their fantasies or what turns them on,” Danielle says. “That’s an experience that so many people have never had in a safe nonjudgemental environment.”

That place of non-judgment is essential to the practice. Because most of us have grown up thinking of sex as something shameful (or only reserved for the very attractive and well-endowed). We forget that all of us are entitled to have good sex and not be ashamed to explore the things that turn us on, whether that be BDSM or 20 minutes in the missionary position.

“A lot of what we bring to the approach,” Celeste says, “is celebratory, fun, and exciting, and we stay away from shaming people’s desires. We are normalizing what they are experiencing in all different areas of sex and desire, which is very helpful as it gives them a different perspective about how they can embrace themselves and transform in the ways they want to.

Here’s how this works: Imagine you’re a dude coming in to work on the issue of premature ejaculation (common! Normal! Will happen at least once to most of us!). The first thing your sex coach will do is demystify the experience and explain that because masturbation is viewed as something shameful that needs to be hidden, many men condition themselves to orgasm as quickly as possible, not recognizing that this kind of pattern will affect their sex lives, and then, when they do involve themselves in romantic situations, they end up not feeling adequate.

“I had this young guy who really thought he was supposed to be able to stay hard and not ejaculate for like an hour,” Danielle laughs. “No, honey, that’s not going to happen like that. It’s not realistic. We do a reality check around that.”

And then the work really begins. Once Celeste and Danielle (they work with clients individually) pinpoint the problem, they’ll teach a client how to slow his or her body down, how to touch, and how to relax and enjoy sexual experiences.

“We see many couples,” Danielle says, “many times one partner says, ‘You have to teach them how to do that, you have to teach her to respond the way you respond.’”

But the sessions are sex-y.

While traditional sexological bodywork is a one-way street when it comes to touch (the practitioner does touch the client’s naked body, often with a glove on), Somatica is different in that the practitioner and the client touch each other. The clothes stay on, but instead of manual touch (just physical training), the client and the therapist work on both sexual and relationship techniques to prepare the client for the real thing.

“You’re learning everything from emotional connection and communication to erotic connection,” Celeste says. “A client could be learning about passion by practicing with us throwing each other up against the wall, or they could be learning about romance with tender, gentle touch. You’re learning different energies of erotic connection but also seduction and how to be more in your body in an erotic way. There’s a huge set of experiential tools we use to help people be fully realized sexually and emotionally in relationships.”

Wait up, throwing each other against walls?

“If you just think about it,” Danielle says, “we have this idea that we’re supposed to know those things and to do them. Spontaneously. How the heck are we going to get that information?”

Only the movies come to mind.

“You know there’s technique to everything.” Danielle continues. “You can really learn how to bring the right energy, you can learn how to say the right words, and touch in a way that’s going to make someone feel arousal and turn on. We see some of it in the movies, but we don’t get the full picture or the ‘How To’ – they cut out so many of the most important aspects of sexual connection.”

Media representations of sex tell us one of two stories: The first features people who, by some preternatural means, have become master lovers. We don’t know how, we don’t know why. We just know they’re good at what they do. They know how to kiss, to nibble on ears, and, yes, even throw each other up against walls in ways that are sexy and dominating without being creepy.

The second story is more awkward: We either see people go from ugly ducklings into sex monsters in a brief montage or we never see them get there at all. They live in a world where sex is awkward and strange but enjoyable with the right person. Celeste and Danielle, however, are trying to tell a third story — the one in which even the most insecure people learn to feel comfortable and confident within their own bodies.

“People think we’re going to do role-play, so it seems like it’s going to feel phony,” Celeste says, “but we show up really authentically. When I’m practicing with somebody I’m Celeste. I’m not practicing, ‘Let’s pretend that I’m so and so.’ It’s a very real, very beautiful connection that we share with our clients.”

That connection helps smooth over any nerves, even when you’re doing something that sounds silly or challenging.

“When you first throw somebody up against the wall, yeah there’s definitely going to be some awkwardness and some laughter,” Celeste continues, “but we practice. When somebody comes into my office, they’re not going to practice it one time. We’re going to do it eight times, ten times. By the end, it’s like, “Whoa, that was really hot, you are sensual and you’re turning me on and it’s super exciting. I think any learning curve can have some awkwardness and discomfort to it but the outcome is so profound and fun that I think people are willing to go through the awkwardness.”

And the coaches do get turned on…

With all this talk about being authentic, we wanted to know the answer to the age-old question when it comes to any kind of work in which sex is involved: Is the practitioner aroused?

Turns out, that’s not just a hazard of the job; it’s the goal.

“The best feedback that we can give clients is our turn on, and we’re not faking it,” Danielle says seriously. “We’re letting ourselves respond authentically and get aroused. We’re teaching them how to seduce us and turn us on because that’s the best learning that they’re going to get, an authentic and real response. They really appreciate it, because men especially, very rarely they get gentle and real feedback that points them in the right direction.”

“I had a client in my office the other day and I was teaching him how to bite the back of my neck,” Celeste adds. “We were taking turns and it was so arousing. I was like, ‘Yay, this is my job.’”

But there are clear limits. Bites on the neck? Appropriate. Erotic touch? Part of the process. Kissing? Celeste and Danielle don’t do that, because it’s important to set boundaries when you’re doing this work. “Besides,” Celeste says, “there are other ways to learn how to be a good kisser.” (Yes, this can sometimes involve practicing on hands.)

Even couples have to keep it PG: “They’re making out and touching each other,” Danielle says. “They can kiss each and they can put their hands underneath each others clothing, stuff that we can’t do with them in session. But they don’t get naked.”

Hey, just more excitement for when they get home.

Speaking of boundaries, they’re a cornerstone of a sex coach’s work.

Sure, part of Celeste and Danielle’s job is to teach clients how to turn them — and others — on in order to benefit the client, but another huge part of their work is making sure that clients understand that relationships have boundaries.

“We have a relationship with our clients and it can be a very strong and beautiful attachment,” Celeste says seriously, “but it still stays within the confines of our practice and the boundaries of the session. We’re not seeing our clients outside of session, not going to dinner or dates with them. You can have this beautiful authentic connection with someone and then support them, encourage them to really go out and find that in their lives as well.”

But that doesn’t mean that all clients are so receptive to these boundaries. Some may not be ready for the type of healing Celeste and Danielle offer, others may become jealous due to the nature of the coaching.

“I think in any coach or therapist’s history there are times when things come up that are particularly challenging within the relationship,” Celeste says. “We try to keep the boundaries and try to make sure everybody’s okay in those relationships, but sometimes things don’t go well. It’s almost impossible when you’re working at this level of intimacy for that not to happen sometimes. Danielle and I always try to repair, whenever repair is possible.”

In fact, Celeste and Danielle say that the hurt and jealousy that client experience — especially when the work gets intense — is another learning experience. As is the reconnection that the pair attempt with their clients after such a rupture. Not only can it lead to more strengthened relationships, but, as Danielle points out, it can help clients understand that being part of a couple isn’t perfect all the time. It’s not about never fighting, she says, it’s about being able to repair and reconnect after conflict arises.

At the end of the day, though (and they’re long days!), Celeste and Danielle can’t imagine doing anything else. “I think being in such deep and intimate connection with so many wonderful people, seeing them grow and transform and seeing their lives get better, is so fulfilling,” Celeste says.

“I like the realness of it,” Danielle adds. “I don’t need to try and pretend that I’m someone else. I can be real in the relationship. I really love that.”

Complete Article HERE!

Posted on

Sobriety & Sex

Name: Gregg
Gender: Male
Age: 40
Location: Seattle
Since getting sober now almost 8 years ago I am very tense about sex and I feel as though I have lost my mojo. I am unable to relax and be intimate with a man and I am thinking I need an intimacy coach or sex coach, or something. Perhaps someone with tantra training who can help me find a comfort level with my body again and being touched and touching another.

Hey, thanks for your interesting question. Sadly, yours is not an uncommon concern. In fact, I just finished an 8-week group for men in recovery who were dealing with similar intimacy issues. A lot of the work we did together was helping one another reestablish a sense of trust.

legs & bootsSo many of us gay men start out our sexual lives with alcohol and/or drugs to help us overcome our inhibitions as well as a means of dulling some of the anti-gay messaging that comes to us from the world around us. Sometimes, the substances take hold of us and instead of we being in control the substances are in control. There was one guy in the group I just mentioned who is in his 5o’s, and he confessed to the group that before he got clean and sober, a couple years ago, he had never had sex sober. And he had been sexually active since his early twenties.

Substance abuse can rob us of more than just our dignity. It often effects our sexual response cycle in ways that diminish our ability to enjoy our sexuality. Men often report erection problems and women report arousal phase problems when they come off booze and or drugs. This, as you suggest, impacts on our comfort level in all intimate situations. If our parts aren’t working like we would want them to, we’d rather avoid intimate contact rather than be embarrassed. So, in other words, when we rid ourselves of the substances that once enabled us, we often need to relearn how to be ourselves, particularly in intimate situations.

Learning to trust others enough to open ourselves to others, even with our “brokenness,” is the key to regaining our sense of sexual self. We need to learn how to overcome our shame, which often gets in the way of reaching out to others. And if some of our shame is unresolved internalized homophobia, well then, we really have some work to do.tit bite

I think you’ve hit upon the perfect solution to your pressing problem. Working with a sex coach or intimacy coach is definitely one way to go. For those challenged, as you are, verbal therapy is great. But there is no substitute for actual hands-on therapy.

I know several people who have been helped by a surrogate partner or a sexual healer. I applaud you for thinking so creatively. Of course, finding the right person to work with will be a challenge. And I should mention that other helping professionals, even some sexologists, do not always look upon these kinds of interventions as legitimate. That’s a pity, but what are ya gonna do.

As you know, there are loads of sex workers out there. Unfortunately, very few have the training needed to provide surrogate partner therapy, or understand the delicate issues that a trained sexual healer must deal with. I hope you find what you are looking for.

If you need someone to discuss this with further, give me a shout. You’ll find my contact information on either the ABOUT page or the THERAPY AVAILABLE page in the header above.

Good luck