Category: Sex and Relationships

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8 of the best books for couples who want to strengthen their relationship

Whether you want to work on your communication skills or understand your love languages, these are the best relationship books for couples.

By Katherine Fiorillo

Romantic relationships can be a source of unparalleled joy for couples, but nearly everyone who is or has been in a relationship can attest that they’re not always easy. Between varied communication styles, different love languages, and outside stressors, any relationship is likely to face challenging moments. Many people in relationships turn to therapists to help navigate through hard times or strengthen a relationship so it will last.

Relationship therapists use all kinds of practical tools to help couples. We spoke to two — Nawal Alomari, LCPC of Noor Psychology & Wellness, and Mychelle Williams, LPC, NCC of Therapy To A Tea — to find what books they recommend most to couples in counseling.

From practical workbooks to insightful self-help books, here are the eight best relationship books for couples, according to two relationship therapists.

The 8 best relationship books for couples in 2022:

A radical relationship book about healthy communication skills

Nonviolent Communication book cover
“Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships” by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD

“This is the number one book I recommend,” says Alomari, who helps couples in any phase of a relationship, whether it’s a new relationship or marriage, a transitional period, or a couple that’s in a stable relationship and wants to continue with healthy communication.

“It teaches couples that ‘violent communication’ is communication that pushes the couple to have conflict. Using phrases like ‘you always’ or ‘you never,’ not using ‘I feel’ statements, not finding productive ways to find solutions together causes conflict in the relationship,” explains Alomari, “and this book gives really good examples of how different forms of communication can either help or hinder the relationship.”

Alomari directs couples to look at the communication examples in the book and focus on what they do individually that isn’t helping and offer solutions from the book that could. “That way, they’re taking ownership of their own role instead of pointing out what the other person is doing that’s upsetting them.”

A bestselling relationship book about the differences in how we express love

5 Love Languages cover
“The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts” by Gary Chapman

“The 5 Love Languages” is a popular self-help relationship book that outlines the five ways people give and receive love. The author demonstrates how learning to love our partner(s) in their love language can help them feel loved, whether that is through words of affirmation, acts of service, touch, quality time, or receiving gifts.

“I recommend this book because we tend to show love the way we want love,” says Alomari. “Then we can work on showing love in their partner’s love language so the effort isn’t overlooked.”

A self-help book about balancing different attachment styles

Hold Me Tight
“Hold Me Tight” by Sue Johnson

“Hold Me Tight” focuses on attachment-style emotion therapy and Alomari recommends it because it explains how couples can create a safe attachment in their relationship through a blend of independence and dependence that feels more secure.

“I recommend this book when there are two different levels of attachment in a relationship, such as when one person is avoidant and one person is more anxiously attached,” says Alomari. “This book can help us identify and name our attachment style and learn how to balance it out.”

A relationship workbook to complete before marriage

I Do!
“I Do!: A Marriage Workbook for Engaged Couples” by Jim Walkup LMFT

Even though this workbook was designed for engaged couples, Alomari recommends it to many couples to help get back to basics. “I give it to everybody because it talks about the most basic things in a relationship like who handles finances, how does the couple divide chores, how do you plan on sharing responsibility for the dog?”

Alomari, who’s also used this with couples who’ve been married for years, adds that “it gets into deeper topics as well such as emotional support, what does family time look like to you, and how many date nights do you want a week.”

A relationship book geared towards polyamory and consensual nonmonogamy

Polysecure
“Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy” by Jessica Fern

“Polysecure” recognizes that most studies of attachment styles focus on monogamous relationships but Jessica Fern, a polyamorous psychotherapist, extends our understanding of attachment, trauma, and emotional experiences into the world of consensual nonmonogamy.

“I recommend this book for all relationships, no matter the dynamic, because it allows us to get curious and intentional about why we are choosing the relationship style we’re choosing whether it be monogamy, ethical nonmonogamy, or anything in between,” says Williams, whose relationship counseling focuses on enhancing boundaries, understanding, connection, and intimacy for queer and trans BIPOC.

They like this book because it gives people in relationships the “opportunity to find specific language around boundaries, expectations, and influences as to why we are choosing a relationship style and how we can be ethical and responsible.”

A book for everyone to understand how their emotions impact their relationships

“Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory” by Deb Dana

Polyvagal Theory focuses on the function of our vagus nerve and its connection between emotional regulation, social connection, and our fear response in our nervous system. In “Anchored,” Deb Dana explores how we can tune into our nervous system in order to better understand and ultimately control our responses to our environment and those around us who we may be negatively affecting.

“I start all my couples work with this book because our nervous system takes in information and processes it in a way that we don’t and can’t consciously see but it affects us all day,” says Williams. “I recommend couples read this book because it gives them a chance both individually and together to recognize the condition of their nervous system. It allows them to access strategies and tools to self-soothe and regulate but also to co-regulate with each other and the community in a way that’s affirming. . . and eye-opening to ways they may have learned how to survive but have been maladapted and negatively impacting themselves and their relationship.”

A book to help couples civilly navigate breakups and divorce

“Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After” by Katherine Woodward Thomas

“Initially, people might recommend this book for relationships going through a breakup or divorce, but I recommend couples get into this book is because it allows people in a relationship a chance to think about how things they’ve gotten disconnected from, things that have changed and how it’s affected them,” says Williams.

“Conscious Uncoupling” breaks down breaking up into five steps including “Finding Emotional Freedom” and “Become a Love Alchemist.” Though it initially seems counterintuitive to the growth of a healthy relationship, Williams recommends this book because “it allows the couple to once again be curious and intentional about their personal care and individuality and also how they can be in loving and respectful relationship no matter the challenge.”

A classic, insightful book about love and relationships

“All About Love: New Visions” by bell hooks

In “All About Love”, bell hooks explores love in different facets of society and the ways we’ve entangled and divided love with other acts or feelings in a way that has caused division and suffering. Williams recommends “All About Love” because “bell hooks creates a working definition for what love is and separates it from ‘care.'”

“In my couples’ work, I’ve found that oftentimes only one person is able to connect to this book and the other is feeling defensive about what is described because it causes them to question what they’ve learned is love,” says Williams. “It creates a dynamic conversation around what love can look like and what the expectations are.”

“If a couple is struggling to process their own issues, bell hooks provides a lot of examples in this book and through those examples, they can start talking about where they stand on different topics, issues, or concerns and how those opinions are impacting the relationship.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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15 Types Of Relationships & How To Define Yours

But remember, labels don’t work for everyone.


By Madeline Howard

In the age of social media, it feels like there’s a term for legit everything relationship-related nowadays. Because of this, you probably have (many!) questions about all the types of relationships that are out there and how to define yours, exactly.

Lucky for you, while the internet may make things more confusing at times, it also offers up a breadth of information that can help you better understand various types of relationships, identities, and more — straight from expert sources themselves.

And when it comes to defining your relationship, think of it this way: very broadly, “a relationship is an interaction of contact and connection between two or more people,” explains Jenni Skyler, Ph.D., director of The Intimacy Institute. In short, a relationship exists on a spectrum with varying levels of intimacy.

Your goal? To find out what level of intimacy works best for you to define your relationship, which you can do by better understanding all types of relationships and how they function. Here’s what you should know, per dating experts.

Monogamous Relationship

A monogamous relationship is when you are romantically and/or sexually devoted and committed to one person only, explains Janet Brito, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and sex therapist and founder of the Hawaii Center for Sexual and Relationship Health. “You have chosen to be with one person at a time,” she says, and any detraction from this model would probably be considered cheating.

Ethically Non-Monogamous Relationship

Unlike regular monogamy, an ethically non-monogamous (ENM) relationship exists when two or more parties have consensually agreed to have more than one partner at a time, Brito says. The key word here is consensually, meaning that all involved are privy to and comfortable with the relationship’s boundaries — this is what makes the relationship ethical. It’s also sometimes called an “open relationship.”

Polyamorous Relationship

Yep, a polyamorous relationship falls under the umbrella of consensual non-monogamy. “But with polyamory, you could be having multiple sexual or romantic relationships, specifically,” Brito explains, each of which is dependent on the agreement between those in the relationship.

Some people just have romantic polyamorous agreements, while for others it may just be sexual. (Or both.) But ultimately, since it’s under the umbrella of consensual non-monogamy, the dynamics are executed with intention and consent from all parties.

Romantic Relationship

“A romantic relationship can be different for all people,” Brito explains. For example, some people have romance but they don’t engage in sexual activities — though many do. Whether they engage in sexual activities or not, in a romantic relationship there is shared affection, feelings, and loyalty to each other. And above all, “they’re emotionally close,” Brito notes.

Aromantic Relationship

Some people are more comfortable existing without a romantic aspect to their relationship. “An aromantic person may not have that romantic attraction toward the other person,” Brito says. There’s a spectrum to aromanticism, though, so some people in aromantic relationships may still have sexual attraction or emotional closeness — it’s just not romantic in nature.

Asexual Relationship

“An asexual relationship is usually an emotional relationship that doesn’t have sexual contact, or sexual contact is limited,” Skyler says. Again, this exists on a spectrum, and it’s ultimately up to the asexual individuals to decide how physically intimate they want to be. Asexual relationships can be monogamous, but sometimes they also exist as an “open relationship where the sexual partner has permission to have sex outside through other relationships,” Skyler explains.

Exclusive Relationship

The term “exclusive relationship” can be tricky to define, though it’s often used nevertheless. An exclusive relationship usually means that those in the partnership are not having romantic or sexual relations with anyone besides each other — though it doesn’t necessarily mean they are officially “dating.” Yep, it can be a pretty ambiguous (and frustrating at times) situation.

Codependent Relationship

You might know by now that codependence isn’t the healthiest relationship style. It typically involves one person undermining their own needs for the sake of the other, Brito explains, which can make the dynamic extremely unbalanced. “[Codependent relationships] can also contain toxic patterns and self-destructive tendencies because you’re not really thinking about yourself,” Brito says. This is usually because one person is so reliant on the other for emotional, mental, financial, and psychological support that they will do anything to not lose them.

Friends With Benefits

Another ambiguous relationship that can easily end in hurt feelings: friends with benefits. It typically involves two peers who agree to have casual sex with each other for pleasure purposes but have agreed that the relationship won’t involve any romantic relations or eventual progressions into a full-on relationship, Brito explains.

Rebound Relationship

“A rebound is the person that you date after you’ve ended a relationship with somebody,” Brito says. Usually people get involved in a rebound relationship as a way of coping with the loss of the previous one, in an attempt to try to move on, Brito explains. That said, while it may be tempting, getting in another relationship so quickly may result in you repeating unhealthy patterns from the last one, given the quick transition. Instead, Brito suggests “looking at what happened in the past before jumping into this one.”

Queer Relationship

You’re in a queer relationship when you’re dating someone who doesn’t identify as cisgender or heterosexual, Brito explains. In other terms, this means that any relationship where at least one partner exists on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum is technically queer — even if one of the partners is heterosexual, cisgender, or both.

Serious Relationship

You’ll be able to determine if your relationship is serious by remembering that, in general, relationships are about a “spectrum of commitment and intimacy,” Skyler says. A serious relationship would probably rank around a 10 on the commitment and intimacy scale, meaning both of you are “all in” when it comes to how intentional you are about being together in this moment and beyond.

Casual Relationship

Again, if you’re thinking about relationships on a spectrum, a casual relationship would be far less than a 10. In this kind of a relationship there would be a low level of long-term commitment and intimacy, and there wouldn’t be a lot of responsibility associated with the connection or time required together. For example, you might have a casual relationship with someone you’ve been on a few dates with or slept with once or twice.

Friendship

“A friendship might be emotional but not sexual,” Skyler says. That said, every friendship will have its own boundaries based on the uniqueness of that relationship. It’s not a one-size-fits-all scenario. Those boundaries will be defined by how much emotional, sexual, or physical intimacy you prefer to associate with your friendships, Skyler explains.

Platonic Relationship

A platonic relationship is one that is close and emotionally intimate, but not sexual in nature. Many people often define their friendships as platonic, but friendship isn’t inherently platonic, as some people incorporate sexuality into their friendships, too.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How To Maintain Desire In A Long-Term Relationship

In her debut story collection, Watching Women & Girls, Riposte founder Danielle Pender examines the pillars of female life – love, duty, ambition, friendship, and sex – from every angle. Ahead of publication on 23 June, she considers what it takes to sustain sexual attraction with a long-term partner.

By Danielle Pender

Desire, what an intoxicating drug. More potent than any class As, more overwhelming than any hallucinogens. It’s a want, a need, a yearning for someone or something that can consume your thoughts, energy, and sometimes your life. At the beginning of any relationship, desire is the fuel that propels two people toward each other, and it can be an explosive experience. So, it’s no wonder that once we’ve experienced it, we want to chase that high again and again. But, as with all things that burn so intensely, that light can sometimes wane or go out entirely.

It’s a familiar tale; a couple meets, and at the beginning they’re permanently naked – unable to keep their hands off each other, their desire simply cannot be satiated, and when they’re not together their thoughts are consumed by one another. Imagination fuels this electric period as you fantasise about the gaps in the other person’s personality. You’re both on your A-game, you bring your best self to every date, you wear the good underwear, the uncomfortable but hot outfits, you wax and preen regularly – but that kind of upkeep and performance isn’t sustainable, so, over time, you both relax. You begin to wear sweatpants in each other’s company more often; perhaps the bathroom door gets left open. The desire for each other still lingers, but it moves into a lower gear. It becomes more manageable as other areas of life such as jobs, kids, family, and friends need attending to. And then, without notice, the desire that burned so bright at the beginning becomes more difficult to ignite. Perhaps it still flares up but less regularly, or it might dissipate completely. At this point, some couples will go their separate ways in search of that alluring high elsewhere, but what about the couples who are in it for the long haul? Who are still in love and want to stay together but also miss the burning desire that has fizzled out?

We can’t talk about desire without delving into the work of Esther Perel, the renowned psychotherapist who has spent years working with couples and looking into the origins and psychology of desire. In her now-famous TED talk, Perel describes the central conflict in any long-term relationship regarding desire. On the one hand, for a long-term relationship to work, there has to be security, trust, predictability and safety, especially when children are involved. These anchoring and grounding needs are essential to developing a lasting bond; however, this all stands in direct conflict with the things that incite desire: adventure, excitement, mystery, and surprise. Further in her talk, Perel says, “Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance between you and me, while desire is energised by it.” Anyone who has felt their desire for their partner bolstered by a few days apart knows this to be true.

Perel goes on to make the point that whereas, in the past, marriage was seen as an economic arrangement to secure social standing and ensure succession with a person’s various needs being met by a wider cast of people from the community, now, we ask our partners to be our co-parent, best friend, lover, financial partner – our everything. It’s a lot to require of one person. As Perel says, we’re demanding that our partners give us both “comfort” and “edge”.

Understanding this eternal conflict around desire in long-term relationships gives it a broader context. It helps us see that the waning desire we may be experiencing isn’t necessarily a deeper symptom of a failing relationship but more a reflection of our changing societal expectations around marriage and long-term partnerships. However, there are many other reasons why desire fades in relatively happy long-term relationships that are also worth exploring.

Sara has been with her husband for 10 years and married for five. She explains that when they first got together, their sex was always intense. After two years, they moved in together, and very slowly, things started to change; as Sara tells me, “When we lived together, we were in our mid-20s, so we were working and going out a lot, and the domestic side of life wasn’t an issue. After a while, I started to do more around the house, and he didn’t. It’s carried on like that until now we’re 10 years in, and it’s a battle to get him to do anything. He says it just doesn’t bother him.” Sara sees her fading desire for her husband in direct correlation to his lack of input into domestic chores. “It’s almost like I don’t want to please him in bed because he can’t be bothered to please me elsewhere.” It’s not that Sara doesn’t feel sexual desire or have the urge for pleasure, though. “I’m really conflicted about it. The desire for sex is still there, but just not as much with him because of this household issue.”

This issue of energy expended on domestic tasks remains a drain on desire even if both parties are equally invested in maintaining a clean and tidy house. So often, our time and attention are stretched in many directions. In short, modern life is exhausting, and sometimes our sexual desires are so dampened or suppressed by the end of the day that the last thing we feel like doing is having sex with our partners. Sometimes, it can feel like another thing to do.

Amma started to feel like the spark in her relationship had faded after the birth of her second child. “My husband was at work all of the time, I was with the kids when I was on maternity and then when I went back to work I just wanted to sleep the minute the kids had gone to bed.” This relentless schedule will be familiar to many parents. It’s the intense side of having children when many aspects of your life are sacrificed to prioritise the things that need attending to immediately – namely your kids and your job. Amma started to feel a distance growing between her and her husband, which made her feel lonely and depressed – on top of feeling stressed at work and stretched at home. “It just got to be too much. I still deeply loved my husband, and I missed him more than anything, but I just didn’t have that desire, so we decided to set time aside to be together. At first, we’d just go to bed together at 9pm on a Tuesday and Thursday, talk, laugh, chill, and reconnect. That really helped with our intimacy, and it was less pressure than a ‘date night’ or even cooking dinner for each other.” This new schedule led to them prioritising each other more, which led to actual date nights (when they had more energy and time), and now Amma says their desire for each other has been reignited, albeit in a more scheduled capacity, “I think we have this idea that desire should just take us in the moment and should be spontaneous, but I don’t buy that. When you both have a lot going on, you have to make time and space for it to arrive.”

This idea of space is something that Perel talks about a lot. She explains that for desire to exist, it needs space to develop. We need space for our imagination to wander, to explore our own erotic privacy. In one of her past studies on desire, Perel asked participants when they were most drawn to their partners, to which the most common answer was, “when they’re away”.

We need to have the opportunity to miss our partner, to not know everything about them and experience a little mystery. Think about it: the familiarity and closeness that comes with living with someone for a long time can also smother sparks of desire. If you’ve seen your partner carry out their less-than-appealing daily ablutions, if you wash their dirty underwear, if you’ve heard and smelt them in the toilet, it can be hard to separate that version of your partner from the person you’re supposed to have hot and passionate sex with. Amma agrees. “Along with dedicating more time for each other, I separated myself from my husband a little bit. I lock the bathroom door now and encourage him to do the same. It’s not that I’m not comfortable around him, but some things he doesn’t need to see, and I definitely don’t need to hear. It’s like a respectful distance.”

We also need to give ourselves space. Sometimes in the mayhem of modern life, we shut ourselves down, or we lose touch with certain aspects of ourselves, our desires and what gives us real pleasure. Prioritising pleasure can feel self-indulgent when there are family matters to attend to, work that needs doing, or a home that needs cleaning and organising, but putting our own pleasure first is never selfish. Maintaining desire in a long-term relationship means maintaining contact with ourselves. It means living fully in our own bodies and showing up for ourselves. This takes honesty and a level of openness that can feel intimidating, but it’s the best place to start when addressing any kind of issue with desire within your relationship. Who are you when you tap into your personal desires? How do you turn yourself on? And I don’t mean this in just a sexual way; I mean in an energetic, vibrant way – what brings you to life and ignites the fire in you? Is it creating, dancing, doing well at work, being in nature, being with certain people, or going to certain places? Tapping into some of these personal desires can help us better understand ourselves and how we relate to our partners.

While advocating for honesty with ourselves, we can’t overlook the need for honesty within our relationships. Communication, as they say, is key. The chances are if you feel like things have dipped off, then your partner is feeling it too, and the only way to get to the root of the issues is to nurture an open conversation. This is something that Rachel found helpful as she tried to deal with a lot of toxicity around her body and attitude toward sex; as she told me, “It’s been tough to reconcile a lot of negative messages I’ve received in the past about being too available, too sexual. I shut down this part of myself a few years ago after a traumatic experience. Now I’m in a relatively long-term relationship (three years), I’ve been trying to reconnect to a more authentic sexual side of myself so that it doesn’t affect my current relationship like it has in the past, but it’s difficult.” Rachel said that at the beginning of other relationships, she would rely on a more performative element of sex, that she’d use stereotypical moves in her sexual repertoire, but this would always feel fake and eventually affect the desire she experienced in her relationships as she never felt fully satisfied. Talking openly with her current partner has been key to addressing this issue, and the honest dialogue has led to a deeper understanding between them. However, it’s also worth noting that when it comes to sex and desire, an open dialogue with others can often be easier said than done. There is a lot of shame, inhibition and hesitation around admitting our deepest desires to another person, even if that person is your life partner who knows everything about you.

In life, everything is connected, and the wider issues we deal with in our day-to-day existence, such as work, family, physical and mental health or housing, can have a knock-on effect on how we experience desire and how we connect to our partners. The bigger issue that affected desire in Annie’s long-term relationship was money, “My partner had quite a lot of debt when we first got together that I didn’t find out about until we’d been together for 18 months. I helped her work out a plan to deal with it, but she’d end up spending the money she was supposed to be using to pay off the debt. I found it deeply unattractive.” Finally, with some outside help and plenty of patience, Annie’s partner got on top of her financial issues and seeing her thrive again brought the desire back into their relationship. This is something that Perel also talks about: seeing your partner in their element, doing something that they thrive in, can often help revive feelings of desire where they might have been lost.

So, yes, maintaining desire in long-term relationships is hard, but maybe it’s how we frame it. Rather than mourning or lamenting the loss of the nail-biting, gut-churning, mind-blowing desire you used to feel for one another 24/7, it’s about looking for the spaces where desire and yearning can be cultivated. Where you can explore your own desires and pleasure alongside your partners. After all, indulging in every passion we have is a reckless approach to life. Living life at a high-octane level isn’t sustainable; it’s the Hollywood version of what we think a relationship should be, but it isn’t genuine or healthy. Think about your most intense lustful relationship; I’d hazard a guess that at its height you couldn’t focus at work, and that your friendships and other relationships suffered because you were diving headlong into a pit of desire and lust. You simply can’t function like that on the regular.

That’s not to say we need to accept a life of no excitement, adventure and lust; it’s just that with a long-term relationship, these things are pulled into smaller pockets, and that’s OK. The thing to focus on is how you and your partner can nurture and honour your desire for each other in a way that makes sense for you both. Just as we’re all individuals with our own needs and wants, our relationships are unique to each of us, and what works for you might not work for another couple. So go forth, be gentle with yourself and your partner, find your own pleasure, love your body, talk to each other – and, most importantly, have fun.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Get Through a Dry Spell in Your Relationship

It’s completely normal, but it’s also important that you address it with your partner.

By Brianne Hogan

Everything seems better at the beginning of a relationship, but especially the sex. Impromptu romps in the sack are the norm as you and your partner are excited to explore each other’s bodies. You’re never too tired or bored either—you’re almost always in the mood.

But now you’ve hit a drought. Maybe you’re stressed and busy or maybe you’ve hit a rough patch with your partner and your timing is off. Whatever the reason, the sex is infrequent or has stopped altogether. It could be a few weeks or a few months or even a few years. Yep, you’re in the middle of the dry spell. Now what?

“Dry spells are completely normal whether you’re in a relationship or single, whether intentional or not. There will always be times in your life and relationships where you want to take a break from sex and that’s completely OK,” Aliyah Moore, a certified sex therapist, tells Lifehacker. “It all boils down to how you choose to respond to it as an individual and as a couple.”

A lot of the shame attached to having a dry season comes from the social construct on how much sex we should be having rather than focusing on what is right for our current situation.

And although dry spells happen within all relationships, according to Moore, many couples ignore the signs and don’t take the time to understand why it’s happening and how to remedy the situation. “If you avoid the problem and distance yourself from your partner, you’re just making it harder for the both of you to figure out how you can get back into the game,” she says.

While dry spells are completely normal and are nothing to be ashamed about, if your dry spell is bothering you, Moore provides insight on how to break out of it.

What causes a dry spell in a relationship?

“Dry spells often happen after the ‘honeymoon’ phase in relationships. This phase varies from couple to couple, but usually, this ‘euphoric’ stage in the relationship lasts a couple of months to two years,” Moore explains.

Once this phase ends, Moore says, couples start to see their partners for who they truly are—their imperfections, quirks, etc. “Some get annoyed by them and leave their partners, while some choose to stay and accept their partners despite their flaws.”

But then, for some, a long-term partner can also turn into a constant presence that often doesn’t make them very sexy.

“They become a part of your routine to the point that sex gets boring,” she says. “Plus, it no longer becomes a priority with everything else happening in life, like a new job or kids.”

Factor in partners being taken for granted and couples dealing with many major issues in their lives including everything from demanding jobs to family problems to health issues, and sex taking a back seat is very common for many couples.

Why sex is important in relationships

Maybe you’re thinking that a dry spell isn’t a big deal; that you can do without sex so long as you and your partner are still committed and sharing a life together. So why is sex necessary in our relationships?

“Sex is a vital part of life. Any sexual activity (solo or with a partner) offers many benefits to the person’s overall health and well-being,” Moore says. “In relationships, having sex increases the levels of intimacy, trust, and love between partners.”

Aside from increasing each other’s confidence levels in bed, according to Moore, sex between partners also empower couples to open up and be vulnerable to each other.

“Having regular sex improves a couple’s ability to perceive and identify their partners’ emotions. As a result, couples become better at expressing their feelings toward not only each other but also other people.”

Additionally, when a person orgasms from sex, the process triggers the release of the feel-good hormone oxytocin, which plays a vital role in creating a bond between partners.

Moreover, says Moore, most if not all couples feel more satisfied in their relationships when they can fulfill each other’s sexual desires. “Relationships tend to grow when partners can freely express themselves, as well as their sexual needs, desires, and even their fantasies.”

Figure out what’s causing the dry spell—and address it

First, you need to figure out why you’re not having sex as often or not having sex at all anymore. Dry spells happen for many reasons, ranging from minor problems (like being apart from your partner due to travel or job restrictions) to more serious ones (like trauma, health issues, or problems within the relationship).

“Taking a step back to assess the situation and identify the root cause makes it easier for all parties to understand the dry spell and remedy it,” Moore says, who suggests identifying and address these issues alone or with your partner. But either way, you must communicate to your partner next.

“I can’t stress the importance of being open with your partner enough. If you still haven’t learned the cause of your dry spell, you could discuss it and figure it out.”

If you have identified the potential cause, Moore says don’t wait for it to blow out of proportion without doing anything about it or talking about it. “Sharing your concerns and hearing what your partner has to say about them (and vice versa) may surprisingly resolve your dry spell issues. Moreover, communicating with your partner regularly helps you feel closer. Also, it relieves couples from talking to each other about anything—the good and the bad.”

So how do you broach such a subject? Moore cautions against starting the conversation with your partner if your emotions are high. “You’ll only end up saying hurtful things to them that you can’t take back and end up regretting.”

Also, try to avoid opening up this conversation when your partner just got home from work or is stressed because the conversation isn’t likely to be productive, and both of you will end up being more frustrated.

Once you find the best moment to talk to your partner, Moore recommends simply talking about how you feel without blaming or pointing fingers. “Don’t be afraid to say something in the present. Something like, ‘This has been a struggle for me.’ or ‘The past few weeks/months have really been hard for me because of…” And then express to your partner what you need right now. This approach allows couples to really express how they feel about the situation and with each other.”

It’s OK to take things slow

After having the dry spell conversation with your partner, Moore recommends taking things slow in the bedroom. “Don’t rush things, and don’t expect that you’ll immediately go from zero sex to five times a day.”

Instead, she suggests focusing on quality time and quality sex with your partner. “Make sure you have the right mindset, especially if lack of sleep, stress, or a demanding job is the root cause of the dry spell.”

What might also help reignite the spark is remembering how your courtship first started. “I’m talking about all the flirting and lovey-dovey things you did when you were still starting out as a couple (aka, the honeymoon phase),” Moore says. “Don’t be afraid to go back to basics. Go on a date, and make conversations. The touching part can always follow, as well as kisses, hugs, and cuddles. Savor the moment. Remember, each act shouldn’t always end up with sex. Do whatever makes you feel comfortable at the moment.”

If having sex feels right, Moore suggests initiating sex with words like, “Do you want to do something tonight?” or “do you want to play?”

Once things return to how they used to, Moore says don’t be afraid to experiment and explore different ways you can pleasure each other from time to time. “If you’ve reached this point in your relationship, you have to cultivate intimacy on a much deeper level. And by trying something new together, you’ll be surprising yourselves each time.”

Moore emphasizes it’s key to not expect that sex will be the same as it used to be when you started as a couple, because that can lead to disappointment for both of you.

“You have to remember that many things that have happened to you (or your partner) in the past contributed to the dry spell. Stress, lifestyle changes, and physical, emotional, and psychological factors are things you don’t easily resolve overnight. So again, take it slow and be patient with your partner.”

Moore says it’s important to focus on cultivating intimacy and a deeper connection with your partner without the pressure of making it all about sex all the time. “Do what’s comfortable for you at the moment. If you only feel like hugging or kissing one day, then feel free to do so. If you feel like doing it roughly the next day, so be it. And if you just feel like cuddling and talking about random things, do those, too. At the end of the day, it’s the bond you share with your partner that matters most.”

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It’s time to normalize solo polyamory

Having relationships and being single don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

By Courtney Coonrod

Remember when you had to awkwardly explain a situationship to a family member? Or when one of your friends expressed how sus it is that you refuse to “settle down?” Traditional relationship expectations are still very much a thing — but as the flaws become more evident, the rising numbers of single people are showing us that fluid partnerships are an option. Despite this open-minded vibe shift, though, it seems like western society has forgotten about the most important relationship of all: the one you have with yourself.

Sure, the wellness world has emphasized the importance of self-care, but what about self-fulfillment? It’s common to lean on significant others in an attempt to feel fulfilled; meanwhile, “me time” is often sacrificed for intimate relationships that, while important to have, can be lethargically indulgent and cause you to forget about yourself for the sake of someone else. On the flip side, people tend to work on themselves most when they’re single. Case in point: Multiple studies show those who stay single live happier and healthier lives.

So, is there a way to fulfill your own wants, needs, and dreams without the help of a partner — but without completely eschewing relationships? There is, and it’s becoming more of a phenomenon via solo polyamory. On the surface, it sounds like just another term for “being single,” but solo polyamory is more than that. It’s a lifestyle that focuses on independence, while still cultivating intimate connections — minus the desire to reach traditional relationship milestones.

There isn’t a one-size-fits-all path to happily ever after, but with today’s social pressures and hustle culture, it’s important to be in control of the free time you do have. Just think: What could you achieve if you flip the script, prioritizing personal growth and leaving romantic relationships to where there’s extra room? Practicing solo polyamory allows you to have your cake and eat it, too. I spoke with experts and others with firsthand knowledge about how to embrace the solo polyamorous lifestyle — and why it might yield your healthiest relationships yet.

Question societal norms and create your own relationship path

Okay, I know what you’re thinking, but this isn’t just a pipe dream. Studies have shown that not only are single people less stressed and more optimistic than married people; but they’re also healthier, have more friends, and are more likely to volunteer than married people. In short: Practicing relationships that allow you more autonomy can lead to more personal growth and, ultimately, benefit others around you.

“Solo poly is resistance in a highly monogamous society that’s telling you that you need to sacrifice your freedom in order to receive love,” sex and relationships educator Jayda Kissed tells Mic, noting that after she got out of her own codependent monogamous relationship, a solo polyamorous lifestyle helped her grow in ways that otherwise may not have been possible. Now, Kissed says, she’s more centered and able to fully show up by determining which connections are truly benefitting both her and her partner. She does so by regularly checking in and asking, “Does this relationship still feel good for you? Is this still right for me? Is this relationship still compatible at the end of the day?”

Amy Gahran, the writer behind the blog “Solo Poly” and author of Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator, says that because solo poly enhances individualism, it can help you become the best version of yourself. She’s found that people who practice solo poly are more likely to center themselves and their communities — especially, in the latter case, those who would normally be overlooked in favor of a significant other. “When people are able to create as much autonomy as possible, they make better decisions in all of the relationships they’re in,” she says.

Challenge your own internalized relationship tendencies

It can be challenging to rewire your idea of what a relationship should look like. Philip Dunham, a 37-year-old living in New Orleans, says that after recently exploring if solo poly is right for him, he realized he needed to work on reining in his possessive instincts, which are typically normalized in monogamous relationships. Because polyamory involves being in multiple consenting romantic relationships, it challenges insecurities such as jealousy and decenters the idea that a partner makes you “complete.” When conquering these conditioned beliefs, relationships become more of a means to develop yourself and accommodate natural change.

It’s also important to remember that a solo lifestyle isn’t black and white; some people maintain that independence even when having a serious partner, while others don’t. Gabrielle Smith, writer and non-monogamous educator who has been practicing solo poly for the past few years, says that ultimately, it’s very fluid and dependent on how you and your partner(s) structure the relationship.

“When people are able to create as much autonomy as possible, they make better decisions in all of the relationships they’re in.”

Support your local solos and society will follow suit

While fewer people are conforming to the status quo of traditional relationships, western culture’s embedded social norms and legal practices are still very old school and discriminate against those who opt out of marriage. There’s “couple privilege,” which refers to the variety of perks that come with couplehood, like health insurance, tax breaks, and higher income. Smith admits that it’s a commitment to stay solo, especially if you’re on the lower income scale and all responsibilities fall on you alone.

Gahran agrees that the lack of a social safety net drives many people to prioritize relationships; she points out that it’s more common and accepted to be alone in places that provide more support for their citizens, such as Northern European countries including Denmark, Norway, and Sweden.

In South Korea, a group of solely independent people known as honjoks is growing in popularity. The honjoks resist conventional societal structures, like status and family, by prioritizing individual desires instead. They’ve become an economic force in their own right; and businesses have been very responsive in serving them, from offering smaller apartments to producing more practical products and packaging. “Like it or hate it, consumerism creates change,” says Peter McGraw, behavioral economist and host of Solo podcast, adding that capitalist society needs to serve solohood in order for it to be widely accepted within the United States.

Do you to reach your highest potential

Despite what the memes may say, solohood doesn’t equate to a sad, lonely cat lady life. In fact, it’s quite the opposite: All signs point to the notion that, if society were to embrace solo polyamory, we’d all be healthier, more positive, and higher-achieving. Now it’s just up to you to defy western norms and create your own happy ending.

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New Research Offers Solutions To Age-Old Relationship Problems

By Mark Travers

Most people will tell you about certain challenges that arise sooner or later in long-term relationships. In most cases, it is enough knowing that you are not alone and that rough patches are a completely normal part of intimate relationships.

However, there are certain times when an issue prompts you to question the very foundation of your relationship. Luckily, research in psychology can give us clues on how to answer our deepest and most unnerving relationship questions.

Here are three hallmark hurdles that you might face in a long-term relationship and some research-backed advice to help you combat them.

#1. Do you desire to change something about your partner?

An alteration in what you expect from a significant other in your relationship over time is natural. But asking them to change can be a delicate and potentially damaging process.

Being asked to change can evoke intense emotions for the changing partner. To make requests for change relatively easy and less stressful for your significant other, researcher Natalie Sisson of the University of Toronto gives a couple of tips:

  1. Make an effective change request. A clear and direct change request — as opposed to one that is vague or implicit — communicates that there is an issue in the relationship and helps changing partners determine what they can do to meet their partner’s request.
  2. Be supportive. A change request should also be balanced with support and validation, given that we know change requests are difficult to hear. It is also important that changing partners feel supported during the change process and that requesting partners provide feedback about how things are going.

#2. Do you feel like you’ve hit a sexual plateau in your relationship?

Any activity that is repetitive and lacks newness can feel obligatory. This is especially true in the case of sex, which is usually portrayed as an aspect of a relationship that keeps things exciting.

Psychologists suggest that couples can, and often do, engage in maintenance sex to keep their sex lives active.

Maintenance sex refers to sessions of scheduled sexual activity in a relationship wherein at least one or both partners may not desire the sexual activity they are participating in due to various reasons, including a lack of sex drive.

Researcher Cory Pedersen of Kwantlen Polytechnic University of Canada says that indulging in maintenance sex can help couples experience greater relationship satisfaction as partners begin to develop a deeper understanding of each other’s needs, which often translates into better sex.

Another solution to the ‘sexual plateau’ problem is to express more gratitude in one’s relationship. A recent study tracked 118 couples’ gratitude and sexual satisfaction level over the course of three months and found out that people were sexually satisfied to the extent that they expressed and received a high degree of gratitude with their partners.

“Maintaining sexual satisfaction is a critical, yet challenging, aspect of most romantic relationships,” says psychologist Ashlyn Brady of the University of North Carolina. “Results from our study suggest that experiencing and receiving gratitude increases the motivation to meet a partner’s sexual needs.”

#3. Is your relationship with yourself suffering?

It can’t be said enough that a poor relationship with ourselves almost always translates into a poor relationship with our partner.

One’s self-relationship could suffer for various reasons, such as low self-esteem due to a failure at work or chronic issues such as depression or an insecure attachment style.

Lifestyle medicine and positive psychology are great resources when it comes to improving or repairing your relationship with yourself. Here are some tips from both fields to help kick-start your self-love journey:

  • On the lifestyle medicine side, researchers recommend spending eight hours per night in bed without a device. They also recommend increasing your daily consumption of plant-based foods and doing 30 minutes of moderate exercise or walking 10,000 steps per day.
  • On the positive psychology side, researchers suggest going out of your way to give someone a genuine compliment every day. They also suggest spending 15 minutes a day reflecting on things that went well and taking time to forgive people who have hurt you.

Conclusion: Love and romance are usually portrayed as mysterious and elusive experiences that human beings have little to no control over. Therapists and researchers argue, however, that with effective communication, patience, and effort there are no relationship problems too big to overcome.

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‘What if he finds someone better?’

— The agony and the ecstasy of an open relationship

And then there were three: ‘If we can both let each other go for an evening every now and then, the reunion feels so much sweeter.’

When Tom Rasmussen and their partner of seven years decided to have an open relationship, they knew it would be exciting and revitalising – but the danger of losing what they had was only too real

By Tom Rasmussen

My mother will kill me for writing this article. She doesn’t get why my partner and I would want to have sex with other people; why, God why, would we want to question a structure as sacred and, let’s face it, successful as monogamy? As she said, when I first mentioned I’d been on a date with someone who wasn’t my long-term partner, “Well, what if he finds someone better than you?” Brutal. Mothers really know how to find your deepest insecurity before wringing it – and you – out like a dishcloth.

She wasn’t wrong, though. What if he does find someone better than me? That was, admittedly, the first question I had when my partner and I decided to sleep with other people a year ago. Not only that, we decided it would be fine if we went on dates with other people, too: one, two, 10 – as long as we kept, as every pop psychologist whose bestseller I’ve never read will tell you, communication streams open.

The first date with someone else was mine. It was with an incredibly hot guy who I’d met at a fashion party, because I’m glamorous like that. He flirted so hard it was essentially impossible to say no. My partner and I discussed it: “Let’s just see what happens.”

Naturally I was nervous. The guy was hot. I was sweaty. It was the first date I’d been on in way over half a decade. What on earth do you talk about? I messaged a friend who is a very chic dater: “Just ask him his most problematic opinion… Honestly, it’s the best opener.” I wore black, because I always wear black, and I unbuttoned my shirt one lower than usual. I kissed my partner and my dog, Celine Dion, goodbye. And off I went.

The date was fun, the sex was wild – not better or worse, but invigorating in its difference. Kissing was, bizarrely, harder than anything else because a kiss with a stranger these days feels more intimate, and until then that intimacy had been reserved only for my partner.

When I arrived home that night after sleeping with the first person who wasn’t my boyfriend in seven years, I felt, simply, glad to climb into bed next to him. But also, perhaps, like I was beginning to undo three decades of conditioning towards monogamy. A monogamy which, until then, I’d held on to so tightly it was as likely to suffocate me, or my partner, as the worrisome potential of finding someone better.

See, the thing about our monogamous relationship was that the desire we had for others never went away. It was simply annexed in our brain, right there next to Catholicism and the bad exes. That’s not to say it was repressed. I don’t know a single person in a monogamous relationship who doesn’t flirt, have crushes, perhaps overstep the mark in someone’s DMs. A lot of people cheat, too. It’s been this way for aeons and it will be this way for aeons to come (or until the next pesky mass extinction event hits). And annexing this desire is perfectly fine, but when you simply ask the question, “But why?”, finding a solid answer becomes difficult.

The day after I’d consummated our open relationship, we packed a bag and drove to the countryside for a friend’s baby’s christening. The atmosphere in the car as we drove out of London was one of deep, icy tension. We could not seem to find the right song to narrate the moment, for the whole 90-minute trip, until I burst and said: “OK, we fucked!”

We decided there and then, on the A419 on the way to celebrate the choices of some dear friends who had done what they were supposed to do and moved to the countryside to raise their perfect child, that this open thing was a terrible idea.

My partner is the love of my life. Something – perhaps the only thing, except that blondes really do have more fun – I feel sure of. A climate crisis brings daily anxiety, the newspapers are littered with transphobia, the government goes beyond incompetence to arrive somewhere between casual cruelty and calculated fascism. And on days where it feels as if there is very little to live for, just looking at him still reminds me that there is something so good in the world. Something with meaning.

See I am, and always have been, a sucker for love, romance and utter dedication – a paradox with my ever-intensifying queer politic. For a long time, it was me who had a desperate stake in our monogamy. I am the kind of person who people describe as “so attractive” but, because of my hairy belly and flagrant femininity, it’s often followed by: “I’m always attracted to people over bodies.” Well, good for you. But for me, attraction has always found me in spite of my body, not because of it. And plainly put, my boyfriend has both: charm, vigour – and abs.

‘Like every gay from a small town, I believed I was Carrie Bradshaw’: Tom Rasmussen.
‘Like every gay from a small town, I believed I was Carrie Bradshaw’: Tom Rasmussen.

Now I don’t want to be shallow: I wouldn’t want to say that the only reason I clung tightly to monogamy was because I’m a six and he’s a nine. It’s also a Catholic upbringing, every bit of culture I’ve consumed, the fact I believed I was, like every gay from a small town, Carrie Bradshaw. And I was looking for “can’t-live-without-each-other-love”, because, really, I’d never felt like I’d really been properly loved before. By anyone. Romantic or not. And so, when I built futures in my head they were monogamous. It was all I had ever seen. And I had made love, commitment and true romance all synonymous with monogamy.

At the christening we barely spoke. On the outside we were still the perfect gay couple: cooing over the baby, congratulating our friends, telling jokes only marginally over the edge of inappropriate for a christening. And for that day, everything appeared blissfully normal. But normality can be suffocating. On the way home, in the car, we broke: “Oh my God that was so normal we can’t cope.” So we checked ourselves into a cheap hotel that night, halfway between London and the Cotswolds, got absolutely hammered and defined the rules of our new setup. And at that point, there were no rules. Just communication. And that we can stop whenever either of us wants.

The second person I had sex with approached me in a bar and described what he wanted to do to me. I’d never felt a turn-on like it. Not that I’m not turned on by my partner – because various types of desire, of turn-on, are not mutually exclusive. Desire, as I’m learning, exists on various planes, in various spaces. Herein lay a huge learning curve: in an open relationship, you begin to experience totally varied and different types of desire to the type of desire you feel in a monogamous setup. I’ve had fast sex, slow sex, hot sex, sex I regret. I’ve made love to a stranger and had feelingless sex with a good friend.

The more people we told, the more we were asked my mother’s fated question: “How do you know he won’t find someone better than you?” After pushing back, I realised this wasn’t my friends and my mother telling me I was shit and my partner could – and perhaps should – find another, better partner. It was that everyone worries about this, too, in their own relationships. We’re all terrified that we are phonies and that if someone else came along we would be exposed and left to become the Miss Havisham type we were always destined to be.

The truth is, I don’t know he won’t find someone better than me. But can you know that in a monogamous relationship either? No. In fact, the answer, after a year of making mistakes and communicating about them in ways we never did before, is that it’s liberating to accept that. It’s freeing to see the end, because in seeing the end you have a reason to keep choosing the relationship.

And to me it has become an absurd claim that it would be possible to find someone better than him. Because a partnership, a love, a life that took seven years to build cannot be torn apart by something as new and naive as lust and, at most, momentary love. They are different emotions. They both provide rich experience, but they are in no way comparable. If anything, my tendencies towards jealousy and self-doubt have simmered away somewhat – because here was our get-out clause. And we are still in.

“It’s easier for queer couples,” a heterosexual friend told me, after I told her. And I think, for countless reasons, this is true: like the fact the centre still sees our relationships as fringe; the fact that sex for a lot of queer people is a mode of finding community, touch and family; the fact that we were kept out of normative conventions of relationships until a brutally recent seven years ago. But, at the same time, there is still the same fear, the same worry, the same risk of loss. So easier feels like too easy a word. Perhaps more accepted.

Culturally, we always think about the rush of the new: those heady days when you meet your partner and every move they make drives you to distraction. Then we do the merry dance of less sex, less communication, less fun, more bills, more plans, more stress, until we die or someone leaves.

And, yes, with every new partner I’ve been lucky enough to have an experience with over this moment in our relationship, I’ve experienced the rush of the new. But the rush of the new spills over into my primary partnership, too: new dynamics form, each scenario brings with it something for us to negotiate, and our sex is more adventurous than ever: perhaps because we learned new moves elsewhere or perhaps because we have a reinvigorated sense of desire for each other knowing that someone, elsewhere, has found this body in front of you desirable in new ways, too.

Our open relationship wasn’t born out of a lack of sex. Don’t worry, we’ve had that phase and we really did consider going open. But we decided then that if we were ever to do it, it couldn’t come from a place of trying to cure a wound, or fill a gap. That’s when the primary partnership ends. In fact, we’d only recently talked about getting married and then we decided to try the idea that non-monogamy might be an even more immense, powerful commitment to each other than a ring and a register.

How could that be possible? How could sleeping with other people be more of a commitment than marriage? Because in sleeping with others you are allowing your partner a deeper expression of their desires. Marriage is fantastic in many ways, but it is also a means of state control – one which produces couples who care for each other, and children who will become workers. But in the case of openness, I am committing to the fullness of his desires and mine, and the risks that come with expressing them. Commitment is another word I had got wrong, too. I always equated it with sacrifice, but I’m coming to learn it means a willingness to understand the changes in a person, to understand their fullness.

Of course, there are hard parts. With certain aspects – silly insecurities, double standards, needing to know every detail – you have to take on the individual responsibility of self-management of (some of) your own emotions. You have to accept that sometimes you are going to feel strange things and that your partner cannot be responsible for curing them. Or even always listening to them if they are unfair and unfounded. I’d been on multiple dates with someone, and felt deep worry when he told me he was going on a second. This was a feeling I had to– with the help of generous friends – self-manage. And lo and behold, he came home after what he described as an “impossibly average” date.

Something I’ve come to learn, something necessary for the success of truly any relationship, is that love is not control. Monogamy, too, is not control – and this is not my accusation. Because whether monogamous, open, polyamorous, the terms of the relationship should be agreed upon by each person within it, mutually, and not simply put there because it’s what – literally – the Bible says. I have radical queer friends who adore monogamy. I’ve met viscerally dull couples who are radically polyamorous. There’s no rhyme or reason for who it fits.

But the point is that non-monogamy is actually about care. It’s about seeing your partner, and yourself, as someone separate to you who has desires, feelings, emotions that they want to, and should be able to, share with other people – not just you. For us, at least, it’s created a dynamic of tantalising flux: one where sometimes you feel lonely, sometimes you feel powerful, sometimes you feel more in love than ever. But in understanding these dynamics that whirl around inside, and between, us both it feels more likely than ever that neither of us will find a better partner. Because if we can learn with empathy, compassion and selflessness to understand each other in what is deemed such a testing situation; if we can both let each other go for an evening every now and then, the reunion feels so much sweeter. Because you come home to someone who is committing to work hard to see you, to make space in their complicated emotional life for yours. And vice versa. That feels like more commitment, more love, than anything I’ve experienced before.

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How polyamorous people are marking commitment to multiple partners

By Suzannah Weiss

Sarah Brylinsky, a 34-year-old working in higher education in Ithaca, N.Y., is legally married to 36-year-old farm manager Brandon Brylinsky. Two years ago, on a camping trip a decade into their relationship, they met 35-year-old Matte Namer, the founder of a real estate firm.

The Brylinskys and Namer are polyamorous, which means they are open to romantic relationships with more than one person at a time. After meeting two years ago, they started going on dates together, and soon after, Namer moved in with the Brylinskys. Now, the three plan to have a child, and they want to make their relationship official so that they can be recognized by their community as a family.

But how do you make a relationship official when there are three people in it?

Polyamory is a form of consensual non-monogamy — when people have more than one sexual or romantic partner at once with all partners’ permission. A 2021 study in Frontiers in Psychology found that one in nine single American adults had engaged in polyamory.

In legal terms, polyamorous people are unable to marry all their of partners: It is illegal throughout the United States to marry more than one person at a time. Somerville, Mass., is thought to be the first U.S. city to legally recognize polyamorous domestic partnerships, which it started doing in 2020.

However, people like Namer and the Brylinskys are utilizing an option that symbolically, though not legally, binds all three of them: a commitment ceremony.

Commitment ceremonies are events that celebrate any number of people’s commitment to one another, and they can look many different ways, according to Connecticut-based marriage and family therapist Kristen C. Dew.

She’s seen some that “resemble the typical monogamous couples’ weddings,” she said, while others are parties or outdoor gatherings. She also said that “many opt for handfasting ceremonies,” or choose unique items as symbols of their love.

The ceremony that Namer and the Brylinskys are planning will be similar to a wedding. They’re discarding some traditions: They’ll have a cookie table instead of a cake, for example. But they will all make vows to one another. In addition, the Brylinskys will create a joint vow just for Namer, and vice versa, they said.

“We met Matte as a couple; there was a relationship that came before them, and it’s both important to establish that we made a family together and to acknowledge that we transitioned our existing relationship to make room for that,” Sarah said.

Ambyr D’Amato, a wedding planner based in New York, is helping to plan this ceremony. She said she has worked with several other polyamorous people on commitment ceremonies: In one of them, a couple that was already married waited at the end of the aisle, and the third person walked down the aisle to symbolically join them.

“It was important to [the third person], since they were not legally married to anybody, that they had a ceremony where they could involve their family and have things be more in the open,” D’Amato said. The event took place in Central Park, she added, replete with flowers, champagne, oysters and live music.

Another commitment ceremony D’Amato planned was between two people who were both legally married to other people, and each person’s partner was present to give their blessing. Afterward, they threw a dance party with their family and friends.

“I like that I can provide access to a heart-opening and connected time for people,” D’Amato said. “I also like that I can help them think outside of the box: You can do whatever you want. Nothing has to look a certain way.”

Many people are embracing the notion that their relationship doesn’t have to be celebrated with a traditional wedding, and opting for commitment ceremonies instead — even those whose relationships only involve two people.

Rachael, a 37-year-old writer, and Tom, a 36-year-old tech adviser — both based in Santa Barbara, Calif. — were legally married for financial and logistical reasons in 2015, but they publicly became each other’s spouses during a commitment ceremony on the lawn of the Santa Barbara courthouse six months earlier.

“We felt it was a better fit for us, being pretty nontraditional in many ways,” Rachael said. “We wanted to be very intentional about how we celebrated our commitment.”

Rachael and Tom, who spoke on the condition that only their first names be used, said they are non-monogamous and are open to committing themselves to an additional partner. Part of the reason they joined through a commitment ceremony is so that, if they do decide to hold another one with a third person, all three of them will be on the same footing, they said.

And as a genderqueer, pansexual person holding this ceremony in 2015 — before same-sex marriage was legal throughout the U.S. — Rachael wanted to stand in solidarity with queer people who couldn’t legally marry their partners, Rachael said.

To reflect the nontraditional nature of their relationship, Rachael wore blue, and instead of the gendered roles of bridesmaids and groomsmen, they designated a group they called “their people” to walk down the aisle one by one.

Jessica Fern, a Boulder-based psychotherapist who works with polyamorous people, touted the potential benefits of ceremonies like this.

“When someone experiences legal marginalization for their relationship structure or style, commitment ceremonies can go a long way to deepen a relationship, publicly acknowledge its significance, and even assuage some of the pain and injustice that being a minority can create,” she said.

Fern’s clients who have undergone commitment ceremonies have reported feeling more secure in their relationships as a result, she said: “They have more of a structure that they can rely on that’s bigger than just them. They can lean on each other in hard times, like, ‘I made this commitment.’ ”

But many non-monogamous people say they don’t feel safe holding an event as public as a commitment ceremony, because of existing stigma. And while those in polyamorous relationships can work with lawyers to secure certain legal protections (Namer and the Brylinskys are working with the Chosen Family Law Center to ensure they all have equal status as parents of their future child), a commitment ceremony does not confer the same rights as a legal wedding.

Some non-monogamous people hope that this will change in the future. “We have the right to be with our loved ones and share the resources that we would normally get to share in a monogamous context,” Fern said.

Still, Fern thinks anyone wanting to make an official commitment to a partner can learn from non-monogamous commitment ceremonies.

“There are so many traditions that we do in monogamous weddings, and we’re like, why do we do this?” she said. “Why do you throw the bouquet? … Why is the father giving the bride away? As people are questioning [these norms], they’re able to have even their own monogamous wedding that feels aligned with them and their values and their relationship.”

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Are we destined for multiple loves?

Millennials think we are

Jemima Kirke, Sasha Lane, Alison Oliver, and Joe Alwyn in the TV adaptation of Conversations with Friends.

“Is it possible we could develop an alternative model of loving each other?” This is the question posed by the character Bobbi in Sally Rooney’s debut novel Conversations with Friends, and is a core tenet of the story. Spoken by a 21-year-old, are these words merely youthful idealism?

By Lauren Ironmonger

Conversations with Friends follows university students Bobbi and Frances, whose lives become entangled with those of a wealthy couple in their 30s, Melissa and Nick. Similar to Rooney’s Normal People, it’s set in Dublin but rather than an intense love story, Conversations with Friends depicts monogamy (and the prospect of marriage) as rather bleak. Melissa and Nick sleep in separate beds and have both had affairs. The affair Nick has with Frances, the core plot line, seems to reinvigorate their marriage and they return to monogamous life. The farce is that the success of their “monogamous” relationship hinges precisely on the relationships that exist outside of it.

Now, the novel has been adapted for television as a limited series on Amazon Prime, starring Alison Oliver, Sasha Lane, Jemima Kirke, and Joe Alwyn.

In an interview with The Telegraph London, Kirke spoke of the cognitive shift the role required her to make. “It’s remarkable that someone of that age [Rooney] has so much discipline and focus, but as I was finally reading the book, I was thinking, ‘This is marriage written from the perspective of a 22-year-old.’ I don’t think that’s good or bad. Her writing is beautiful but there were moments when I struggled to make something work.”

Kirke, 37, is no stranger to married life and its potential to fail after splitting with her husband of eight years in 2017. And while she’s not opposed to marriage, she does take a more carefree approach to it. “The perspective of marriage as something super-permanent and spiritual is really antiquated.”

Jennifer Pinkerton spoke to more than 100 Australians aged under 40 for her book Heartland: What is the future of modern love? She says that the decline in people getting married is not a phenomenon that’s just relegated to Millennials and Gen Z. “Globally, marriage has been a downward travelling trend for 50 years now. When we speak about fewer people getting married, it’s not just the younger generations.” (The only exception to this, she notes, is gay marriage).

Certainly, however, this downward trend has accelerated in the past decade. In 2020, 78,989 marriages were registered in Australia, a 30.6 per cent decrease from 2019, and the largest annual drop ever reported by the ABS since 1961. Obviously COVID-19 has played a role but there are other key trends too. Pinkerton suggests that a high divorce rate means young people, seeing their parents getting divorced, have grown disillusioned with marriage. Global instability is another big one. “Climate change and war mean that the future is less certain,” says Georgia Grace, a Sydney-based sex and relationship therapist. She adds that the sex positive movement means that acceptance for different relationship models is changing.

Nina Lee, 32, is part of this declining group. A Sydney-based hairdresser and owner of Extra Silky, she married her long-term partner Aedan Lee during lockdown last year. While the couple isn’t religious and didn’t face familial pressure, marrying was just something they both knew would happen. “It felt like a natural progression”, she says, adding that it was about “solidifying our love.”

Alice, 22 (who is using a pseudonym for privacy reasons) lives in Sydney, and has been in a monogamous relationship for three-and-a-half years. Both are bisexual, and her partner identifies as non-binary. “Love is a choice to be together”, she says. “I can’t imagine anything less romantic than having a legal document officiate my relationship.”

For Millennials, there can be certain dealbreakers in finding love. Harriet, 34, has never wanted children. “Even when I was a little girl, I never played house with dolls – if anything I would play ‘dog mummy and daddy’.” Harriet’s last serious relationship ended after seven years. In her early 20s, the question of kids wasn’t such a concern. Now, it can make dating a little more complicated. “I make sure to talk kids and politics on the first or second date.”

Are rigid constraints of marriage a thing of the past? “Younger generations are now more likely to crave fulfillment, connection and flexibility rather than permanence in relationships,” says Pinkerton.

Polyamory, then, is a natural result of this shift in values. Georgia Grace says that she is increasingly working with people interested in exploring this. While popular perception of polyamory is that it’s just about promiscuity, there’s no singular model for what it can look like. “I work with couples to create a relationship structure that works for them,” she says. “Non-violent communication, consent and having a network of supportive, sex positive friends and family are at its core.”

In Melbourne, Emil, 29, works supporting people living with HIV, and is also a sex worker. They document encounters with clients and lovers on Instagram, posting polaroids of men alongside captions about the intimacy of the meeting.

The overwhelming majority of clients are straight men. Their reasons for visiting are myriad – for many, it’s a means to be a version of themselves outside of monogamous, heterosexual love, for others it’s a way of indulging a fetish or sheer curiosity. One quote accompanies an Instagram story picturing a man’s chest: “I hope you understand how hard this is for me. I always have my religion at the back of my head.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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An Exploration of Ethical Non-Monogamy

Defining the terms and risks that come with unconventional relationships

By Michelle Talsma Everson

Chris Deaton and Elisha Thompson have been together over a dozen years and share a home lined with photos of family and friends in the college town of Tempe, Ariz., where they both work at Arizona State University. Both are graduate students and volunteer for causes they’re passionate about.

As they schedule their busy lives, they make sure to keep space available for Thompson’s husband of over 20 years, as she sees him most often for Wednesday lunch and Sunday dinner.

As Thompson’s primary partner in their polyamorous relationship, Deaton isn’t close friends with Thompson’s husband, but they are amicable — making sure to circle each other respectfully so that Thompson can include both men in her life. It’s an untraditional set up, but one that works for them and a growing number of people who are embracing polyamory and other forms of ethical non-monogamy.

What is Ethical Non-Monogamy?

Deaton and Thompson identify as polyamorous, which is a relationship style where participants can engage in multiple romantic or sexual relationships with the consent and knowledge of those involved. What this looks like in day-to-day life varies. It is one of multiple relationship practices under the umbrella term of ethical non-monogamy (ENM).

“So for me, the ‘why’ behind polyamory is that it is possible to love more than one person and relationships don’t all have to look the same.”

“Honestly, for me, polyamory just happened,” Thompson explains about her journey. “I fell in love with someone after I was married. I also still loved my husband, and it did not feel honorable for me to just walk away from that relationship just because it no longer looked like it did when we got married. So for me, the ‘why’ behind polyamory is that it is possible to love more than one person and relationships don’t all have to look the same.”

As a broad term, ENM covers a wide array of open relationship dynamics. The common denominator is consent — all parties involved know and fully consent to the open nature of the relationships. It is estimated that one fifth of the population has participated in an ENM relationship at some point in their lives.

Deaton and Thompson share that their lives have been changed for the better because of their journey into polyamory. Both advocates for education, the two founded their own nonprofit organization called Truly Beloved, which is dedicated to the education and support of a sex positive lifestyle.

Under the Truly Beloved banner they regularly teach classes and facilitate both virtual and in-person discussion groups centered on non-monogamy.

“For most folks, I believe non-monogamy offers an opportunity to live a different lifestyle that aligns more with how their hearts feel rather than what society has said is deemed appropriate,” Deaton says.

Ethical Non-Monogamy Terminology

While ENM is a term that encompasses a wide variety of practices, some forms of ethically non-monogamous relationships include:

Polyamory: Polyamory focuses on maintaining multiple relationships with everyone’s consent and knowledge. Within these relationship styles, there can be:

  • Solo polyamory: Where someone maintains multiple relationships but not necessarily traditional relationship milestones like living together, joint bank accounts, and others.
  • Hierarchical polyamory: Where those involved have a hierarchy of primary and secondary partners, and often establish rules to go with the order.
  • Non-hierarchical polyamory: Where there is no stated order or “main couple.”

Swinging: When an established couple has sex with other couples.

Open Relationships: Where couples are open to other romantic or sexual partners.

Polyfidelity: A group of partners where everyone is equal in the group relationship, and no one establishes relationships outside of the group.

Relationship Anarchy: An approach to relationships that often has few established rules or expectations other than the ones agreed upon by the people in the relationships.

ENM After a Life of Monogamy

For those who are interested in ENM in their later years, Deaton has some words of wisdom. “Ask yourself why and figure out what exactly appeals to you and what you are looking for on this journey,” he says. “Read a few books, ask people that participate some questions. Develop some boundaries related to personal physical and emotional safety — it is nice to have some guardrails when first exploring a new world.”

“Then I always tell people to ask themselves, ‘If you were looking to date, would you date you? If not, why?’ In my experience, most of the work needed by people looking to get into non-monogamy is the deconstructing and removing of past ideals and norms and learning to look at intimate relationships in a new light,” he adds.

Deaton’s go-to book list for those curious about ENM and polyamory include: “Polysecure,” “More Than Two,” “The Four Agreements,” “Emotional Intelligence 2.0,” “The Jealousy Handbook,” “Life on the Swingset”, “Open,” and “Opening Up.”

“Polyamory is hard and requires vulnerability, complete honesty and compromise.”

Susan Wright is the founder of the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF), a national nonprofit organization that advocates for the equal rights for consenting adults who engage in alternative sexual and relationship expressions. She has identified as non-monogamous for decades.

“Local polyamory meetups seem to be the most common way to get access to community events and socials,” she says. “Go slow and start talking about it. You have to be able to talk about it before you can do it. You can start exploring as a team, if that’s more comfortable for you, and make agreements together, like a safe word you can use that is the signal to stop and step away to talk to each other.”

Out of the Shadows, Not Out of the Woods

While ethical non-monogamy is becoming more common, it’s not without its risks. 

“Polyamorous people are discriminated against because of their relationships. If it comes out at work, polyamorous people can be harassed or even sexually harassed, and yet the workplace will label the polyamorous person as the distraction when they’re being treated badly,” Wright says. “You can also have child custody issues due to the fact that family courts don’t like it when multiple adults live together in a house with children, even though many multigenerational and extended families live together without being discriminated against.”

She advises that anyone who experiences discrimination due to ethical non-monogamy contact the NCSF for a list of resources to help.

And, of course, entering an ethically non-monogamous relationship can bring up issues that need to be navigated within already established relationships.

“Polyamory is hard and requires vulnerability, complete honesty, and compromise,” Thompson says. “I live with my day-to-day partner [Deaton] and spend time with my husband multiple times a week. That on top of work, writing, and other responsibilities means that I rarely get time alone to just relax and reflect. Having multiple partners means that your time is even more limited. I also often struggle with feeling guilty when I’m not available to do something with one of my partners.”

She continues, “On the other side, I often struggle with jealousy too — just because I have two partners doesn’t mean I’m immune to jealousy. It is all worth it, but it is something that everyone should consider before taking the leap into polyamory.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex zoning

— When you’re on the other side of the ‘friend zone’

The friend zone has become such a popular trope that it barely needs explaining.

By

From Ross Geller becoming ‘mayor of the friend zone’ in Friends to pretty much every male rom-com character we’re supposed to root for, the idea of being ‘demoted’ to friend status is a staple in popular culture.

The story usually goes like this: Boy meets girl and falls in love, but doesn’t make his feelings known for years (or even decades) on end. He eventually does, usually because she had the audacity to pursue someone else, and she realises what a sweet, kind man was under her nose all along.

During this predictable journey towards happily ever after, we’re reminded that the romantic lead has been ‘friend zoned’ by the object of their affections. But, if we look from the opposite perspective, it seems more as if the person in the friend zone is the one doing the manipulating.

This plays out in real life too.

Research has shown that a far higher proportion of men feel like they’ve been friend zoned than women, suggesting there’s a gendered aspect to how we view male and female friendship. Men feel negatively towards the ‘just friends’ label and see it as a rejection, while women feel objectified or like their companionship is not valued.

Many of us have experience of the other side of friend zoning – which we’re calling sex zoning – whether it was a friend who was unknowingly after more than friendship or a romantic partner who didn’t make it clear they only wanted a physical relationship.

Where the friend zone implies you’re trapped into being seen solely as a friend, being in the sex zone means being seen as a sex object or conquest and not a whole person.

This can happen in both sexual and non-sexual relationships, particularly in f*** buddy or friends with benefits situations.

You may think someone genuinely cares and listens but, unbeknownst to you, they’re waiting in the wings for the chance to get you into bed. Things that look to you like kind gestures aren’t heartfelt, rather ploys to manipulate your idea of them with a view to a sexual relationship.

Either the relationship fizzles out when the sex zoner gets bored of waiting, their tactics work and you do have sex, or their intentions come to light and you’re left questioning what went wrong.

According to psychotherapist Heather Garbutt, being sex zoned can be devastating for those on the receiving end.

She tells Metro.co.uk: ‘If you have been sex zoned, you’re probably feeling pretty used. You won’t feel very emotionally connected in a healthy way, but more likely to be trying harder and harder to be of value to the other person.

‘Generally, the more you give, the less you will receive back and the less you will be respected. This pattern empties out anything meaningful in the relationship.

‘You are likely to feel very lonely and it can even create feelings of desperation. None of this is good for your self-esteem.’

The damaging impact of sex zoning, as with most relationship problems, can be avoided with better communication. Unfortunately, it needs to be honest, two-way communication, so you’re relying on your date or friend doing their part.

Heather suggests being clear with your own expectations to remove any ambiguity from conversations.

‘Ask yourself if this is what you want? What are you looking for in life?’ she says. ‘If you were looking for a long term committed relationship, wasting time on anything less it is of no use to you whatsoever.’

She adds: ‘If your self esteem is such that you think this is the best you can get, then I can tell you now, that is patently not true. Don’t settle for anything less than what you want.’

Signs you’ve been sex zoned

  • They always steer the conversation to something sexual
  • They don’t seem to really be listening to you or taking in what you say
  • They’re no longer friendly or kind towards you when you’re in a relationship
  • They’re no longer friendly or kind towards you when they’re in a relationship
  • They react negatively towards your romantic partners
  • They hint to or joke about being attracted to you, but don’t make their feelings clear
  • They fish for compliments or do nice things for you and expect something in return
  • They act as if they have ownership over you, often disguised as ‘being protective’
  • If they do proposition you sexually and are rebuffed, they no longer seem to be as interested in you

That isn’t to say that someone desiring you physically is a red flag. Some may want no strings attached fun, and it’s only if they’re disingenuous or dehumanising towards you that it becomes an issue.

Heather says: ‘There are lots of influences in our culture that cause us to centre around physical attraction and chemistry. It is still a status symbol to be in a relationship with somebody who is good looking.

‘If your ego is such that this is the level that you are working on, you may need to do some work on yourself too. It is not likely to get to you a very satisfying relationship.’

Sex zoning perpetuates the idea that friendship is some sort of booby prize, as well as misogynistic stereotypes that men only want sex and women are only valuable for their sexuality.

If you see that happening in your relationships – whether you’re the sex zoner or the sex zonee – it’s worth exploring the root cause.

Heather says: ‘As human beings we are ever evolving and sometimes, previous generations – parents and grandparents – were not always as emotionally expressive as we would like them to have been.

‘If they were emotionally unavailable, we are likely to look for somebody who is equally emotionally unavailable. If the person we are attracted to is very much concerned about physical appearance, are they unhealthily vain at your expense? Be careful to ensure you are not giving away your power and self-respect.’

Once you’ve worked out exactly what you want from a partner, you can move forward ensuring you’ve effectively communicated that, free of worry about misrepresenting your needs or having to play a guessing game.

‘It is always better to create a relationship with someone you feel at home with on an emotional level,’ adds Heather. ‘Someone with whom you can be yourself, in whom you can trust to have your back and feel as loved as you are loving.’

Next time you go to use the phrase ‘just friends’, perhaps think about why we downplay mixed gender friendships.

Is it really so bad to be friends with someone, or are you just sex zoning them and dismissing what they bring to the table?

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Can ‘Friends With Benefits’ Really Work?

15 Rules for Mess-Free Arrangement

By Caitlin Killoren

We all know the phrase “let’s keep it casual,” but what does it really mean to be “friends with benefits” with someone? Friends with benefits (aka FWB) is a casual sexual relationship with either a friend (duh) or just a random person. The general idea is that you are friends (or at least friendly) with the other person and have a sexual chemistry, but are not interested in pursuing a more serious, romantic, relationship. Successful FWB relationships are strictly sexual and avoid all of the romantic and physical intimacy of a true relationship. For a lot of people, FWB relationships are a great way to scratch a sexual itch without having to commit the time or emotional investment into a full blown relationship. They are also excellent for polyamorous people who are interested in pursuing multiple different types of relationships at one time.

And while some people really thrive in these casual relationships, others have a hard time separating sexual intimacy from emotional intimacy. Begging the question: Is it truly possible to have a sexual relationship without catching feelings? Casual relationships aren’t for everyone, so if you are interested in pursuing a FWB, there are a few ground rules you should ask yourself to keep a FWB situation from becoming too involved.

1. Make sure you’re emotionally mature enough to be FWB

Like we said before, not everyone is cut out for a casual FWB relationship. Sleeping with someone in a non-committal way takes a lot of emotional maturity. Before you start a FWB fling, make sure that you can deal with the different outcomes of the relationship. Adding sex to the equation will never make things easier (though it potentially adds a lot of satisfaction), so ask yourself if you can handle a casual thing from the get go.

Having emotional maturity also means that you are able to evaluate your own wants and needs. Before getting sexually involved with a friend, think about what you really want out of your relationship with them. Are you the type of person that can handle casual sex? Not everyone is. Knowing this about yourself is important before embarking on a FWB relationship so that you can protect yourself and your friendships.

2. Don’t become FWB with someone you already have feelings for

A successful friends with benefits relationship will end when the relationship is no longer serving one/both of you, or when one of you starts dating another person more seriously. You should not go into a friends with benefits relationship expecting (or hoping) for it to become something more serious. Most FWB do not end with you dating your bed buddy! For this reason, you should not become FWB with someone that you are already into. If you agree to just sleep together, you should not expect them to wake up one morning and reciprocate your feelings. And if you are sleeping together, your feelings for the other person will probably only become stronger, which can make the situation even more difficult.

For a lot of people, it’s easy and normal to separate emotional feelings from physical/sexual relationships and that’s what you’re signing up for as a FWB. Sleeping with someone with the hopes that they fall for you is a surefire way to break your own heart. Instead of going for someone that you are romantically interested in, choose someone that you are not romantically attracted to so that things can indeed be casual.

3. Choose your partner wisely

The ideal FWB is someone that you are physically attracted to, but not emotionally attracted to. In addition to sexual chemistry, it’s important to choose someone that is honest. Successful FWB relationships take a lot of communication and trust, so it’s important to choose your partner wisely. At the end of the day, you also need to consider what will happen if the FWB relationship doesn’t work out. Do you really want to risk changing the dynamic of a friend group by sleeping with your pal on the off chance that it does not work out? Sometimes it’s better to keep a playful friend group flirtationship rather than pursue a sexual relationship with a friend. And other times sleeping with your buddy totally works out. Everyone operates differently and all friend groups have a different dynamic. Just make sure that you are considering all the factors when deciding to become a FWB with someone.

4. Don’t be lovey dovey

If you are in a friends with benefits situation, do not act like a couple! This might be the golden rule of successful FWB relationships. Don’t hold hands. Don’t smooch in public. Don’t go on dates. Don’t practice PDA. In general, just don’t be lovey dovey with your sex friend. It’s important to keep things in the bedroom, so that you don’t start developing feelings for them. If you start doing couple-y things with your friend with benefits, then you may start to develop feelings for them, even if that’s not your intention. It’s only natural to start falling for someone if you spend a lot of time together, especially if you are already being sexually intimate. So try to avoid this situation all together.

A lot of people find that it’s actually easiest to minimize the amount of alone time they spend with the FWB to keep the relationship more casual and low key. While you don’t want the relationship to feel transactional, you do want to make sure that it is mostly/entirely about your sexual chemistry and connection. If you do want to spend time together outside of the bedroom, it’s a good idea to do so in group settings. Group dynamics will keep PDA to a minimum and it will emphasize the FRIENDS aspect of FWB.

5. Avoid sleepovers

Along the same lines as the last piece of advice, you and your FWB should avoid having sleepovers. After having sex, LEAVE! Cuddles and spooning fall squarely into activities for couples and should be avoided if you want your FWB relationship to work. As does pillow talk, which can often get very intimate. As nice as it is so wake up next to someone in the morning (and potentially have morning sex!) that is an intimacy that you should try and reserve for serious partners. This is not to say that you need to kick your friend to the curb as soon as you finish having sex, but you should be weary of sleepovers, as they might add complications to your casual relationship.

6. Be transparent about your sex life and be safe

FWB relationships are not typically exclusive, which means that you and your friend are probably seeing a couple different people. When you first begin a friends with benefits relationship, you and your new boo should talk about whether or not you plan to sleep with other people when you talk about your boundaries (more on this to come). During this discussion, you should talk about how you plan to practice safe sex with each other and other people. It’s not necessary to disclose the other people that you are sleeping with (unless that makes you and your partner more comfortable), so long as you are on the same page about your expectations for protection during sex. It’s super important that you are both transparent about your sex lives and that you are practicing safe sex. In addition to condoms and other forms of protection, it’s a good idea to set up routine STI screenings so that you do know your status.

7. Set expectations at the beginning

Being in a FWB relationship requires a lot of potentially awkward or blunt conversations cough cough,why we mentioned that bit on emotional maturity. You and your FWB should talk about the expectations for your relationship at the outset. We understand that not everyone is into scheduling, but it can be helpful to talk about what your FWB relationship will look like from the outset. Do you want a standing hookup on Wednesday nights? Or do you want things to be more spontaneous? Are you down with flirty texting? Or is that crossing a line? Do you expect to be in this for the foreseeable future? Or are you moving across the country in two months? Talking all of these things through at the beginning will help make sure that you and your friend are on the same page.

8. Expect the bare minimum

In addition to setting expectations in the beginning, it’s a good rule of thumb to set your expectations as low as possible. A FWB relationship won’t come with any bells and whistles so don’t expect a birthday present, a Valentine’s card, or a bouquet of flowers at any point. Keeping your expectations low (yes, even lower than the expectations you set in the beginning) will prevent you from getting overly invested in your casual relationship. And it will prevent you from getting jealous or upset if your friend blows you off or doesn’t prioritize you. Expecting the bare minimum will also help you avoid falling into the trap of catching feelings.

Remember that you shouldn’t expect this relationship to turn into something more serious, so keep your expectations for the relationship realistic/low and leave space for other people in your life to provide emotional support and more consistent friendship.

9. Set boundaries

Like we mentioned above, it’s extremely important to set boundaries when you take a friendship to the Friend with Benefits level. Boundaries are important for every relationship, and FWB relationships are no exception. In order for both of you to feel fulfilled in this relationship, you need to make sure that your boundaries and needs are being respected. This is often more important for FWB that share the same friend group or have some social overlap in their lives. If this is the case, it’s important to discuss who will know about the relationship, how you will navigate the relationship in public and whether or not friends or certain people are off limits. Setting up boundaries or rules is just as important (if not more important) than setting up expectations at the beginning. It’s important for you and your friend to check-in about your boundaries throughout your relationship.

10. Prioritize the friendship part of “FWB” over the physical

At the end of the day, remember that you should be friends with your FWB. A FWB relationship is not just a random hookup and it’s important to keep up a good relationship with one another outside of the bedroom. Because FWB is not a long-term thing, you should focus on being able to keep your friendship alive even if the benefits part of your relationship comes to an end (which it eventually will) You don’t need to spend a ton of time together to maintain your friendship, but focusing on keeping things fun, lighthearted, and playful, will help you prioritize the friendship part over the physical.

Respecting each other’s expectations and boundaries will also ensure that you stay on good terms throughout your FWB relationship and after it’s over. It is totally possible to stay friends with someone after you have hooked up (whether it’s one time or many times) as long as you maintain a mutual respect for one another. It can sometimes take a bit of time to transition from hooking up to being friends again, but keeping the idea of friendship in your head through the hooking up stage will help this transition when the time comes.

11. Communicate

Communication is key in every relationship, but it is especially important in a FWB relationship when you need to discuss things like expectations, boundaries and your sexual health. Being able to have these discussions requires a lot of maturity (remember our first tip), but it is also a skill that you can develop with practice. These conversations don’t come super naturally to most people, so establishing check-ins where you can freely talk about your boundaries and sexual health can help facilitate these important conversations. Oftentimes the most awkward part of these conversations is finding a way to bring these things up in the first place, establishing a time to check-in about these things takes away that weirdness and opens up the important dialogue.

It’s also important that you are able to communicate your sexual needs in a FWB relationship. After all, what’s the point of the benefits if they don’t do it for you! It’s important to be able to communicate openly about your sexual needs so that the FWB is fulfilling. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need in the bedroom. More often than not, your partner will appreciate the guidance. This also means listening to what your FWB wants and needs in bed.

12. Don’t be jealous!

Like we mentioned, your FWB will likely be sleeping with or pursuing other people. As will you. It’s important not to let feelings of jealousy get in the way of a good sex parternship. Possessiveness is not a good color on anyone – in any type of relationship – but especially in a FWB situation when you are decidedly not exclusive! It is up to you and you FWB whether you want to know the specifics of each other’s sex lives. It’s important to know if you are the type of person that gets jealous (some people are, some people are not) and discuss your boundaries with this in mind. Creating honest boundaries can often minimize the amount of jealousy partners feel in FWB relationships.

13. Don’t stop dating

Remember that you and your friend likely won’t end up as serious partners, so if that is what you are ultimately looking for, you should continue to date on the side. The great thing about a FWB relationship is the fact that things are so casual. You can sleep with your FWB when you are in the mood, and take things slow in your dating life. Having a FWB often takes the sexual frustration out of dating because you are getting your sexual needs met elsewhere, allowing you to focus on your emotional connection. Having a FWB can often take the pressure off of dating in the early stages. Even if you do choose to sleep with people you are newly dating, having a reliable sexual partner can make dating more relaxed. Dating can also help prevent you from catching feelings for a FWB because you have other outlets for flirting and emotional connections.

14. Understand that they are also still dating

Just like you will likely be dating on the side, so are they. Be aware that as a FWB you probably aren’t they’re priority and you might have to be comfortable taking a backseat to their dating life. You probably want the same thing, so this usually works out for the best. In addition to not getting jealous of a FWB, it’s important not to expect to be their number one priority.

15. Don’t forget why you started

At the end of the day, friends with benefits relationships are about sex. Make sure that you and your friend are having fun sex together! FWB relationships are a great way to explore different types of sex and to get creative. Focus on the fun and carefree part of the relationship and make sure that your needs are being met in the bedroom!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is the Impact of Casual Sex on Mental Health?

By Sarah Vanbuskirk

Depending on the context, casual sex may be celebrated, relished, derided, envied, or stigmatized. Some people consider the activity in a serious way, evaluating all the possible ramifications (emotionally and physically) along with the potential benefits and drawbacks when thinking about having casual sex. Others take the idea of casual sex, well, a bit more casually.

That said, many people have strong opinions about whether or not it’s a good idea, although these attitudes tend to shift as life circumstances—and relationship statuses—change. However, whether you’re inclined to go with the flow or to consider the topic down to the nitty-gritty, it can be helpful to take a look at the cultural context and potential mental health effects (both positive and negative) that casual sex can have when deciding if it’s right for you.

What Is Casual Sex?

Casual sex can be defined in a variety of ways and may mean very different things to different people. However, by and large, casual sex is consensual sex outside of a romantic relationship or marriage, usually without any strings of attachment or expectation of commitment or exclusivity.1 Depending on the situation, the activity is also known as hook-ups, one-night-stands, trysts, booty calls, or friends-with-benefits, among many other euphemisms.

Casual sex might happen between partners just once or regularly. It may occur between close friends, exes, casual acquaintances, uncommitted dating partners, colleagues, or complete strangers, and might be planned or scheduled in advance or occur spontaneously. In essence, causal sex is a way of having the physical intimacy of sex, outside of the emotional, practical, or romantic components of love or a committed relationship.

Some people form casual sex relationships periodically, while others do so more frequently and may have one or many partners that they hook up with over the same period of time as a normal part of their lives.

What Constitutes Casual Sex?

Casual sex doesn’t necessarily always include intercourse. It might comprise any range of physically intimate activities, such as kissing, oral sex, mutual masturbation, and penetration.

Casual Sex in Context

Some people consider casual sex a healthy sexual outlet, akin to regular exercise, or simply as an enjoyable physical experience, possibly enjoyed even more without the expectations, accountability, or pressures of a traditional romantic relationship.

When it’s engaged in in an emotionally healthy manner, casual sex provides the carnal pleasures of sexual intimacy without the emotional entanglements of a full-fledged relationship.

For others, casual sex has appeal but managing the emotions, as in not getting attached or feeling dejected or used, or judgments of others gets complicated—and can result in hurt feelings or unrequited longing. Still others find the risks (like getting an infection, sexual assault, or disappointment) are too great and/or feel sex should only occur in a committed or married relationship.

Cautionary, often sexist, tales are often told, particularly to girls and women. Not too long ago, girls were warned with age-old adages like “they won’t buy the cow if you give away the milk for free,” meant to deter them from compromising their “virtue.”

In movies, casual sex is often portrayed as fun, no-strings-attached romps resulting in a cheerful, exuberant glow—sometimes leading to romance. Other portrayals end in disappointment, regret, and heartbreak. But how does it play out in real life?

The truth is that casual can be fantastic or terrible and everything in between.

For some, sex outside of commitment is considered immoral—or only appropriate for men or “loose” women. Sometimes, these encounters may constitute cheating, as in one or both of the participants is in another relationship. Clearly, stereotypes, assumptions, ethics, experience, and personal beliefs are all at play. Additionally, a few bad (or good) casual sex encounters may drastically skew a person’s perspective on the activity.

What we can all agree on is that casual (or any) sex carries with it the risks of unplanned pregnancy, contracting sexually transmitted infections (STIs), and physical (or emotional) harm from your partner, particularly one that is not well-known to you. But, in addition to taking stock of moral issues and risk factors, there are mental health ramifications to consider when deciding if casual sex is emotionally healthy for you.

Beliefs and Stereotypes

There are historical, religious, and cultural prejudices against casual sex, especially for women, that promote marriage or committed relationships as the most (or only) acceptable venues for sex. In some traditions, sex is considered only appropriate for reproductive purposes, and/or sex for pleasure is taboo. Often, these “rules” have been flouted, with casual sex kept secret, particularly for men, with a variety of repercussions possible (like ruined reputations or ostracization) for those that get caught.

Women who engage in casual sex have historically (and in some communities, continue to be) demonized for the behavior, labeled as sluts, whores, trash, easy, or worse. Clearly, buying into these harmful, oppressive stereotypes is damaging whether or not you engage in casual sex—and serves to reinforce the sexist idea that it’s wrong for women to enjoy sexual pleasure and experiment sexually outside of romantic love or the bonds of marriage.

However, with the introduction of safe and effective birth control in the 1960s and the “free love” sexual revolution that followed, the power of these archetypes began to fall away. Still, more conservative notions about sexual freedom and experimentation—as well as traditional views on gender identity and sexual preference—still hold powerful sway among the hearts and minds of some.

Today, though, many have shaken off, rejected, or modified those traditional ideals to embrace a more expansive range of possible sexual or romantic relationships, including the LGBTQ+ community. Increasingly, noncommitted rendezvouses are viewed as a rite of passage or simply as an enticing sexual outlet.2 It’s more common, too, to believe that everyone should get to define for themselves the types of sexual relationships they want to engage in.

Potential Benefits and Drawbacks

The pluses or minuses of causal sex are relative to the situation in question. There may be as many potential benefits (like sexual satisfaction, feeling attractive, or meeting a potential future partner) to casual sex as there are issues to give you pause. Possible drawbacks, such as emotional distress due to wanting more or sexual regret, will vary dramatically from person to person, essentially based on your mindset going into the encounter and personal history and expectations.3

Some groups attach a lot of societal stigma to casual sex while others are more accepting or enthusiastic about the practice. Each person should consider any underlying shame or other negative feelings they personally might feel or be exposed to and whether those beliefs resonate with them as something to embrace or reject. How likely you are to feel good about the experience before, during, and after is important to consider as well.

Of course, as noted above, there are notable physical risks of engaging in casual sex, particularly if safe sex practices are not followed, of STIs, unplanned pregnancy, and sexual assault. But the emotional fallout, sometimes completely unexpectedly, can be huge as well, particularly if you are engaging in casual sex as a way to avoid or bury your feelings.4

Anecdotally, we know that many people enter into these encounters thinking it will all be in good fun, only to end up attached, deflated, upset, or feeling misguided. On the flip side, there are many others who end up pleasantly surprised by their experiences and their ability to enjoy a simply physical liaison.

Mental Health Effects

Essentially, some people may be better than others at compartmentalizing their romantic longings from their sexual desires. For others, emotions and touch naturally entwine, making causal sex harder to keep casual, even if that was your intention. Research shows that women tend to have a harder time than men with preventing emotional attachment, and when this happens they are more prone to feeling used, depressed, regretful, or embarrassed after the fact.4

People may jump in without really thinking about how they’ll feel afterward, only to find they’re left with hurt feelings, remorse, wishing there was more to the relationship, or feeling unfulfilled by the experience. It can be easy to tell yourself that it’s just sex, just for fun, but for some people, it may turn out to be very hard to keep your feelings in check. So, it’s vital to assess expectations honestly.

Other people may have the opposite issue, where they focus so intently on just keeping the relationship on a physical level, telling themselves that there is nothing else there (or that they don’t want a romantic entanglement), that they may miss the potential for a more lasting, deeper relationship—possibly ending up disappointed later that they didn’t pursue one when they had the chance. Then, there are others who fully relish the just physical thrills of a booty call.

Sometimes, casual sex relationships exist in a lopsided power dynamic that leaves one or the other partner longing for more (whether simply in frequency or in the type of commitment), while the other keeps it casual. Clearly, this situation is likely to take a toll on the person wanting more. In these cases, there is a bigger potential for self-esteem to take a big hit and for stress, anxiety, self-doubt, or even, depression to occur.5

Additionally, studies show that post-hookup distress and misgivings are more likely with unprotected sex as well as if an encounter goes further than intended or if either person felt pressured to perform sexual acts that they didn’t want to do.5

Acting outside more conservative beliefs on causal sex might be liberating for some but end up disappointing, or even traumatic, for others.

What the Research Says

Overall, likely because this issue is so personal and influenced by so many factors, research on the mental health effects of causal sex is mixed.6 Some studies have found a correlation between casual sex and a variety of negative mental health consequences like anxiety, sadness, feeling bad about oneself, regret, depression, and poor self-esteem. However, many others have found positive impacts, such as a boost in self-esteem, relaxation, sexual pleasure, and self-awareness.

In fact, a comprehensive 2020 review of 71 studies generally found a positive emotional outcome from casual sex experiences for most people.6 However, the researchers note that beneficial mental health impacts are not universal and that factors like using alcohol, not knowing one’s partner, and not being sexually satisfied from the encounter can make a negative emotional response more likely.

Tellingly, many studies have found a stronger positive correlation of negative emotional outcomes for women who engage in more frequent hookups, while men tend to experience the opposite—more casual sex creating more positive feelings.5

Ultimately, your personal experiences and beliefs on sexuality, gender roles, identity, romance, religion, morality, life purpose, and happiness will inform how you experience and think about casual sex.

Your own emotional baggage about sex, touch, romance, and sexual identity has the power to turn what might be a positive encounter for one person into a guilt-laden mistake for another. Essentially, it’s different for everyone, and only you can decide what’s right for you.

Who Is Having Casual Sex?

While it’s challenging to get exact numbers on the prevalence of casual sex, studies show that the behavior is very common and increasingly socially accepted.2 Interestingly, many teens and young adults seem to favor more casual hookups as a precursor to potential romantic relationships rather than engaging in traditional dating practices. Essentially, experiencing sex as a physical need and a way to vet potential romantic partners.

Research has found that casual sex is particularly common in adolescence, emerging adulthood, and any time adults are outside of committed relationships. In one study, 40% of respondents in their early 20s reported a recent casual sex encounter. Other research has found that over 50% of 18 to 24-year-olds have indulged in the activity and that of sexually active teens, almost 40% were hooking up rather than within exclusive relationships.5

Other studies put the rates at over 70% of young adults having casual sex.4 Interestingly, the number of prior sexual partners, level of completed education, alcohol and drug use, and perception of the acceptability of the behavior impact the number of casual sex experiences a person is likely to have. For example, those pursuing college degrees engaged in casual sex less often than those that didn’t finish high school.5

Another review found that religious belief, high self-esteem, and having married parents decreased the likelihood of the behavior, but that factors like race, socioeconomic status, depression, and being in a romantic relationship did not affect rates of casual sex.3

In addition to reduced stigma about non-committed sex, the rise of dating apps like Tinder, Bumble, Grindr, OkCupid, and Coffe Meets Bagel, has given people many more options for dating and casual sex—and to find like-minded partners.

Is It Right for You?

Depending on the person, casual sex may feel like a gift, necessary pleasure, happy indulgence, minor regret, or a deep shame. Whether or not you pursue casual sex is a personal choice that is heavily dependent on your life experiences, beliefs, and relationship status as well as how you feel about casual sex itself—and your prospective partner.

Ultimately, the important thing to know is that there is no right or wrong answer, just what feels best for you. It can help to have an understanding of what the difference or overlap between sex and love is for you—and whether or not you want (or can) keep them separate.

Sometimes, you might discover how you feel about hookups through trial and error, but even better is to think about what you want and believe regarding your sexuality and sexual activities in order to really know on a deep level what is best for you.

A good indication that casual sex might be something you’d like is if you feel more excitement and empowerment rather than shame or guilt when thinking of it. Taking proper consent and safe sex precautions is also imperative.

The type of casual sex you are considering also may impact your enjoyment and comfort level with it as well. For example, anonymous sex might feel hot or lonely—or dirty, in a bad way. Hooking up with an ex or close friend might feel comfortable and safe or boring—or naughty, in a good way. It’s vital to think about consent, too. For casual sex to be a positive experience, you want to be sure that you are doing what you want to do and aren’t feeling pressured (or forced) to engage in anything you don’t.

Alternatively, sleeping with a platonic friend might get awkward, especially if one of you ends up with romantic feelings that the other doesn’t reciprocate, and sex with a former flame may open a can of worms you’d rather keep shut. Also, if casual sex feels in opposition to your moral beliefs then you may have trouble enjoying it, although you might also discover that your beliefs on uncommitted sex bend as you evolve as a person and as a sexual being.

The key is honestly assessing how you really feel about the idea of casual sex and what are you truly hoping to get out of the experience. Casual sex might be right for those that want to experience an array of sexual behaviors and relationships before deciding to commit to a monogamous relationship. You may want to explore your own sexuality and desires and might feel more comfortable doing so in a casual setting. If you just simply enjoy hookups (or want to), then go ahead and enjoy.

Some people’s sexuality is tied tighter to intimate relationships than others who are more comfortable separating their sexual needs and desires from being in love and/or a relationship—and either way of being can be healthy and something to celebrate.

A Word From Verywell

Casual sex can be a wonderful thing or it can make you feel guilty, empty, or unsatisfied. You’ll know if it’s emotionally healthy for you if it makes you feel good and good about yourself. If not, you might not be in the right frame of mind to enjoy the experience. Know that everyone is at a different place, which will likely change over time, and that’s OK. There’s no right or wrong here, just what kind of sexual life you want to live.

While some might leave a carnal encounter feeling depressed, embarrassed, or sad, another may emerge more confident, at peace, fulfilled, or elated. If you’re in the latter camp, you may want to work through feelings of shame or longing—or you might want to stick to sex inside romantic relationships.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Queer people have mastered sexual friendships

— and it’s time you straights caught on

Allow me to impart some wisdom upon the cishet masses.

By Ian Kumamoto

I’ve slept with most of my friends. I mean that literally — I’ve shared a bed and cuddled with nearly all of them. I know who likes to be a little spoon and who prefers to be a big spoon; I also know how loud each of them snores. On top of that, I’ve made out with a good chunk of them, given oil massages to some and had full-on sex with others. To me and many other queer people, this shit is normal. Physical, sometimes erotic, touch, is an integral part of many of our friendships. From what I gather, sexual friendships still pretty uncommon outside of the LGBTQ community — what’s this all about?

To be fair, for straight identifying people, there’s an entire culture built around an obsession with sex and what it means to have it. Non-queers seem terrified of being “friend-zoned,” which is lackluster way of saying that someone they think owes them sex doesn’t want to sleep with them. I want to avoid broadly generalizing — especially since gay men are stereotyped as sex-crazed and outlandishly promiscuous — but these constructs that I describe are very real. When my straight friends have sex with each other, I am always sure of one thing: They either feel like they have to end the friendship or they decide to get into a long-term monogamous situation. But what if neither of those options serve them?

Whenever I see these friends face this dilemma, I want to scream into the void. It doesn’t need to be this way. By thinking that they need to choose between cutting off a friendship or ascribing more meaning to it purely because there’s sex involved, they’re robbing themselves of all the glorious nuance that can exist in a physically intimate friendship.

I’m just going to say it: Queer people are better at navigating sexual grey areas. Could non-queers learn a thing or two about friendship from us? I asked some experts to help me dole out some sage advice on fostering a sexual friendship without all the drama. Here are a couple of things to keep in mind.

Sex doesn’t have to be the defining factor of your relationships

Mainstream American culture has taught us that physical intimacy outside of our family has to be sexual. Something as simple as kissing a friend will get most Americans flustered, where in many cultures around the world, kissing on the cheek or even holding hands is devoid of sexual meaning. Not here, where we draw the line at chest bumps and where “no homo” became the mantra of a generation.

Queer Americans, broadly speaking, have been able to free ourselves of those constraints. “The queer community formed as a community precisely because they were prohibited from touching each other. They came together to touch each other,” Thomas Roach, a professor of philosophy and cultural studies at Bryant University and author of “Friendship as a Way of Life,” tells me. In the U.S., queerness was criminalized for a long time and many queer people still experience rejection from their families.

For that reason, friendships became a primary source of physical touch as well as a means of survival. Sex still matters, obviously, but it’s peripheral to the strong emotional bonds we have to forge with others in our community. “One salient aspect of queer friendship is that sex is not necessarily the fulcrum around which a relationship turns. Sex is not necessarily the make or break of a queer friendship, nor is it the great definitional divider of friend versus lover,” Roach tells me. “Friendship is formless, amoeba-like, and can be invented from A to Z. Unlike romantic relationships and marriage — which are overburdened with cis-hetero courtship rituals and scripts — friendship is ours to create. And queers have been incredibly innovative in this regard!”

When we let go of the idea that friendships are inferior to romantic and monogamous relationships, we can start to expand the possibilities of what we want our friendships to look like. Sometimes, that can involve sex.

I found a great amount of truth in Roach’s observations: My most intimate and freeing relationships are with queer friends and the same time, none of them are strictly defined by sex (or the lack thereof). If I do have sex with a friend, it’s almost a way of showing them how much I love them as a friend. I realize that this is completely counterintuitive to how most heterosexual people are taught to navigate the world, but in the absence of scripts, my most authentic emotions have been able to thrive.

Strong friendships come from a shared understanding of the world

Roach also points out that recent history has proven the importance of queer friendships. From Stonewall, to the AIDS crisis to the Pulse nightclub shooting, queer people are constantly reminded that we are not beloved by all. This feeling of shared estrangement creates a foundation for deeper connection and might explain another phenomenon among us: we are generally much better at staying friends with our exes. That’s because we’re also more likely to have shared identity-affirming experiences outside of the romantic relationship itself — maybe our former partner took us to our first gay club or they taught us how to have safer sex.

The future of friendships looks pretty queer

Thinking about the intimacy of queer friendships also got me thinking about the future of friendships in general. As queerness becomes less stigmatized and the need for LGBTQ-specific spaces disappear, will queer friendships lose thier spark and start to resemble heterosexual ones? Will we even have anything to bond over down the line, once we have all our rights?

Maybe, or maybe not. But I doubt that we’ll have to grapple with this question in our lifetime. “As much as queerness has become more mainstream, there is so much anti-trans legislation circulating at this moment in time,” Ariella Serur, a queer dating coach, tells me. “There is still an epidemic of violence against trans folks, particularly trans women of color, so non-stigmatization still feels far away for the LGBTQIA+ community as a whole.” She’s right.

As long as there are attacks against anyone in our community, friendship is likely to remain the foundation of our culture. Instead of thinking about the heterosexualiztion of queer friendships, a more likely outcome, I hope, is that there will be a queering of heterosexual friendships. A staggering 15% of Gen-Z identifies as LGBTQ, more than any generation before it. I can’t help but feel that more people are realizing the limitations of a label as reductive as “straight” and looking for a way out.

Queerness frees us up to express ourselves in infinite ways. It also allows us to see physical touch as a means, rather than an end. “If there’s anything to celebrate about the modern LGBTQ community, and if queer culture has anything significant to contribute to the long history of intimacy rites and rituals, it’s an inventive ethics of queer intimacy,” Roach tells me. “It’s an ethic that can yield great pleasure and deep love.”

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This is what it’s *really* like to date someone in an open relationship

From drawing boundaries to catching feelings, here’s your guide to navigating non-monogamous situationships with someone who already has a partner

By Saskia Calliste

Thanks to celebrities like the Smith family, Bella Thorne and Shailene Woodley, more people know about polyamory, throuples, open relationships and ethical non-monogamy than ever before. A once-closeted expression of love is now out in the open – and once taboo relationship structures have opened up to people who disagree with traditional attitudes towards monogamy.

However, the growing conversation around open relationships, especially in high profile pairings like Will and Jada, tends to focus more on the couples themselves – but what about the people they are dating and forming relationships with outside of their socially recognised and validated partnerships?

Who are the unicorns? Who are the thirds? How do we navigate these new dating realities when we develop feelings for individuals who already have a partner (or two)? For many people, this line of thought brings up question after question but, after a recent experience of my own, I’m set on finding answers.

“Who are the unicorns? Who are the thirds?”

Last year, I was involved in a situationship with a man, let’s call him Jason*, in an open relationship. The title of “third” or “unicorn” was not something I had a right to – and that’s because I walked into the fringes of someone else’s open relationship, not having the first clue what I was getting myself involved in.

The rules with Jason were simple: “low-aggro and don’t catch feelings because my partner will always come first.” I thought that was fair, and I wasn’t exactly looking to get into a relationship with someone already spoken for. In fact, at this stage, I was pretty much on the same page as Jason: looking for fun and an antidote to the mess and stress of conventional dating. Where is the harm in that? Well, playing out like any early 2000s rom-com, I can tell you that this arrangement worked for a while before the inevitable happened: I caught feelings. Surprise!

“The rules with Jason were simple: ‘low-aggro and don’t catch feelings.'”

During the whole experience, I tried to keep it business as usual, seeing other people to avoid the tragic fate of my life turning into an unrequited love story. But the truth was, unlike in other types of polyamorous dating, where honest communication is encouraged, dating this individual left me without any bargaining power and made me feel like I couldn’t speak up for myself for fear of being perceived as too immature to deal with what I signed up for.

It was particularly difficult because, at least in the eyes of the guy I was with, I had no rights to these feelings of sadness, anger or upset because I wasn’t supposed to have them in the first place. I was made to feel disposable, cut off and disregarded like my feelings were completely irrelevant. Regardless of whether I willingly entered this situationship or not, that is a difficult position to be in.

My situation with Jason made me wonder if I’d ever consider dating someone in an open relationship again. From the little I did know, truly open relationships, ethical non-monogamy and poly relationships are supposed to be based on trust, openness and most of all respect – and that extends to casual dating as well as committed relationships. I knew that the kind of situationship I was involved in wasn’t representative of the community as a whole.

In search of answers about the realities of responsible and ethical non-monogamous (ENM) dating, I reached out to Ana Kirova. The CEO of Feeld, a progressive dating app with over 20 sexuality and gender options, and an ethical non-monogamous person herself, she’s just the kind of expert needed to guide any newbies through the ins-and-outs of dating someone in an open relationship. Want to know more? Keep reading…

Expert advice on dating someone in an open relationship

Q. First thing’s first: how do I know that dating someone in an open relationship is right for me when I’ve only dated monogamous people before?

There’s no straightforward response to that question – but after some self-education and soul-searching the answer might be a lot more clear. “Researching and expanding your understanding of open relationships can be really helpful to start giving definitions to what you might be missing in your current relationship. Books, blogs and podcasts can empower you to understand ethical non-monogamy and help you make an informed decision before entering a new relationship structure,” Kirova explains.

Finding community through apps an also be a great learning tool, she says.“Connecting with a community is another great way to learn about ENM and to feel less isolated in your exploration. Many people join Feeld to meet others who have already explored different relationship structures.”

And as Kirova emphasises, sometimes the healthiest thing is to be honest with yourself about what you don’t want. “As with exploring any desire, it’s important to go at a pace you’re comfortable with and to be open and honest with yourself and your partner(s). Be open minded and reflect on how you’re feeling – finding out ENM isn’t for you is an equally valid and empowering choice. Exploring is a practice on its own, so be patient and open with yourself.”

Q. I took the plunge and started casually dating someone who’s currently in an open relationship. What should I do if I start developing feelings for them?

Okay, this can be a sticky one! But as Kirova recommends, honesty and direct communication are the way forward.

“Be honest with that person and share how you feel. If the person you are dating feels happy in an open relationship, reflect on your own feelings and desires and whether you are willing to accept them and their preferred relationship structure,” Kirova explains. “It’s a good idea to research ENM and the different types of open relationship structures. It helps give things a name which allows for more confidence and clarity when you’re reflecting on them.”

“It may be the case that both of you need different things from a relationship”

But you also need to be having these kinds of discussions with yourself. “Be very honest with yourself and your desires, reflect on what is your preferred relationship structure and how far you are happy to negotiate if you are willing to negotiate at all,” Kirova says. “Something I really want to emphasise is that it’s okay to not want an open relationship or another ENM arrangement, wanting commitment within a monogamous structure is a valid and authentic choice, as long as you are clear with yourself that this is what you want.”

And ultimately, if these preferences don’t align, it may be a case of understanding that it’s best to break things off. “While you are being true to yourself and honest with your partner, be prepared that it may be the case that both of you need different things from a relationship and will need to part ways. And that is okay too.”

Q. I’m new to all this and don’t know a lot about navigating the non-monogamous dating world. Are there any red flags I need to be aware of in potential partners?

To begin, it’s good to have in mind that there’s no one “right” way to do ethical non-monogamy. “There are numerous ways of practising ENM, which can include a don’t-ask-don’t-tell relationship. However, it is essential that everyone has consented to the structure and boundaries of the relationship,” Kirova explains. “Like with monogamous relationships, ENM people can be unfaithful if they break the agreed relationship structure and disrespect their partners.”

There’s also a lot of lessons from the wider dating world that can apply to polyamorous situations. “The red flags are likely to be similar to people in monogamous relationships,” Kirova says. “If your partner stops communicating with you in the way that you need and is putting their desires before your needs then it is important you consider whether you are still happy in that relationship.”

And as always, open dialogue and equality are paramount within non-monogamous relationships. “If you begin to feel that your partner is making decisions for you and not discussing these openly and honestly with you to gain your consent then this undermines trust which is essential for any relationship structure including ENM,” says Kirova.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!