Category: Polyamory

Posted on

The A-to-Z Guide to Open Relationship Terminology

Opening things up is more complicated than hot sex with lots of partners. It’s also going to involve some intense conversations, and having the right words can be a big help.

By Sophie Saint Thomas

Open relationships are becoming incredibly mainstream—more and more people are recognizing that monogamy only works for some people, and there’s nothing wrong if that’s not you. But if you’re new to ethical non-monogamy, you may have questions. For instance, are you a cuck for feeling compersion, or a CPOS for experiencing jealousy? No, but you should brush up on your terminology before entering a monogam-ish relationship. Opening things up is more complicated than getting down with lots of partners. (Fingers crossed for you, though!) Putting the “ethical” in “non-monogamy” typically involves a lot of conversations.  

You hear a lot about polyamory or monogamy, but the truth is that there’s a relationship format for every couple. As with BDSM, having the right terminology is going to be a good first step. “Regardless of relationship structure—whether monogamous or non-monogamous—every single relationship is different. Even for people who identify as strictly poly or strictly monogamous, there’s no one definition of what those terms mean, they shift according to the agreements of the parties involved,” says gender, sexuality, and relationship therapist Dulcinea Pitagora, PhD. “More important than how you label your relationship structure is how you communicate about it with your parters or partners.” 

But knowing a few open relationship terms is a good starting place. So, check out this list and learn the lingo, consider sharing this glossary with your metamours, and start talking through what kind of relationship that works and truly makes you happy. 

Bigamy This old-fashioned term refers to the practice of marrying someone when you’re already married to someone else. Bigamy is actually illegal, so make sure to check the timeline on that second marriage.

Boundary Boundaries are rules that you establish if you’re going to practice ethical non-monogamy, and they are crucial to its success. For instance, some couples only date other people together, or keep any emotional exes off the menu. An agreement to use latex barriers with all other parties is a common (and important) boundary.

Cheating Cheating is simply unethical non-monogamy. Cheating usually ends up with one (or more) parties hurt, so please choose an ethical version of non-monogamy if you know that the whole one-partner-for-life thing isn’t for you.

Compersion Compersion is a warm emotion some rare people get through seeing their partner’s joy or sexual gratification from another person. 

CPOS A term coined by the sex writer Dan Savage, it stands for “cheating piece of shit.” We can poly preach all that we want, but not everyone is going to be interested in ethical non-monogamy. Some people get off on the thrill of cheating, and doing things ethically would remove that sexy sneakiness.

Cuck Before the word “cuck” was hijacked by the alt-right, it referred to a perfectly good kink. Speaking traditionally, a cuck gets off on watching his wife (known in this situation as the hot-wife) have sex with another man. The female version of a cuck is known as a cuckquean.

Don’t Ask Don’t Tell This doesn’t refer to the military policy— but it can also be disastrous. In Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) relationships a couple is allowed to sleep with other people, but they agree not to talk about it. Not generally considered the best way of going about things. 

Dragon A dragon is the male version of a unicorn, the mythical and hard-to-catch beautiful bisexual who will fly in, have a fun and hot threesome with a couple, and leave their relationship undisturbed. But there’s no reason to keep things so rigidly gendered—we say identify as a unicorn or dragon purely on mythical creature preference.

Ethical Non-Monogamy Ethical non-monogamy, or ENM (not to be confused with EDM, although there is massive overlap at Burning Man) is an umbrella term that includes all the various ways to have an open relationship.

Fluid-bonded Fluid-bonded means a partner you don’t use condoms with. Fluid-bonding is more intentional than simply having unprotected sex–ideally you both have been tested and know one another’s statuses. (Like, if one partner has herpes the other probably does, too.) It is possible to be responsibly fluid-bonded with more than one person—perhaps in a closed throuple—but complications increase exponentially with every new person. 

Hierarchical Poly Hierarchical poly is a polyamorous relationship in which there is a clear pecking order. One primarily partner prevails, but the couple has other “secondary partners” who they get to bone on nights away from their spouse.

Jealousy This emotion is experienced by monogamous and non-monogamous people alike. In open-relationship contexts, it’s often felt as anger, betrayal, and insecurity triggered by your partner’s relationship with or desire for another. Managing and talking through these feelings is often at the center of successfully practicing ENM.   

Metamour Metamour is a pretentious poly term for your partner’s partners. “Evan is cool, I’ve never gone down on them, but they’re my metamour.”

Monogam-ish Monogamish is another term coined by Dan Savage, and describes couples who are basically monogamous, but respect human nature. If someone’s on a business trip and makes out with a hottie, or asks permission to get some side action once in a while, there’s no dramatic fight or breakup.

Monogamy Monogamy means that two people agree only to love and fuck one another until the end of time (or until they meet someone else that they want to be monogamous with). It is an excellent option…for some people!

Nesting Partner A nesting partner is a live-in partner, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re a primary partner. In fact, they may be relationship anarchists who don’t even have sex, but they will definitely hear you have sex, because they live with the person you’re boinking.

New Relationship Energy Or NRE, this describes that buzzy high you get early on in a relationship. It’s usually just good sex, but it can mess with your brain and feel a lot like love. It’s responsible for people jumping into relationships too quickly only to realize that they left their true love for an idiot who is good in the sack. The practical aspect of open relationships allows you to enjoy NRE without needing to dump your primary partner over it.

Old Relationship Energy While NRE is bouncy and fun, old relationship energy, or ORE, is the comforting, dependable, and (if you’re lucky) still-orgasmic experience of a healthy long term relationship. 

One Penis Rule The one penis rule (or OPP, one penis policy) is a mostly frowned-upon type of open relationship in which a couple dates other women, or people with vaginas, but there’s only one dick to rule them all. These are often the couples you see on Tinder unicorn-hunting.

Open Relationship Open relationship is an umbrella term that includes poly people, swingers, and anyone else who agrees that they aren’t cut out for monogamy.

Paramour A paramour typically refers to an illicit lover of a married person, so it’s technically an unethical non-monogamous term—but can be a fun way to refer to a partner if everyone is on the same page. 

Polyamory Polyamory literally translates to “many loves.” It’s a form of ethical non-monogamy that invites not only sex with more than one person, but romantic and emotional relationships with more than one person.

Polycule A group or network of people in a polyamorous relationship. “Sorry mom, I can’t come visit because of COVID, but I will be quarantined upstate in an Airbnb with my polycule for the rest of winter.”

Polyfidelity Just because there’s more than two doesn’t mean that fidelity is off the table in poly relationships. Polyfidelity refers to a poly family who are all equal partners, restrict sexual activity to those in said poly family, and basically act like a monogamous couple except there’s many more people.

Polygamy Polygamy is the practice of being married to more than one person—not the same thing as polyamory! 

Poly-preaching: Poly-preaching is the act of rambling on about how poly relationships are superior to monogamous ones. If you hear someone reference the mating rituals of bonobos or utter the words “You know, humans aren’t meant to be monogamous…” then you are likely a victim of poly-preaching.

Primary Partner Your primary partner is your bae, your husband or wife, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your one true love, your life partner, and the main romantic interest in your life. Many folks in open relationships have a primary partner and then secondary or shared partners (see: Hierarchical Poly).

Quad Nothing to do with university landscape architecture in this case—a quad is four people who are in a relationship together. 

Relationship Anarchy Practitioners of RA use anarchist concepts to deny hierarchy within relationships and forgo imposed expectations. They don’t give special treatment to their sexual relationships—in RA, a relationship that is sexual doesn’t take priority over a relationship that is platonic. An intimate friendship, romantic partner, and a roommate (see: Nesting Partner) can carry equal weight and importance.

Relationship Orientation While your sexual orientation determines who you are attracted to, a relationship orientation refers to which relationship format is right for you. Are you monogamous, poly, or somewhere in the middle? Please figure it out to reduce broken hearts. 

Sexually Open Sexually open relationships allow for sex with others but ask you to hold the romance and emotions. They’re a fantastic option for couples with high sex drives who want to have their emotional monogamy but eat out others, too. One word of caution about sexually open relationships is that it can be much harder to regulate emotions than expected, so don’t be surprised if someone catches feelings.

Solo Poly While some poly people want a primary partner (see: hierarchical poly) others dislike hierarchy within their relationships and want everyone to be on the same playing field.

Swinging It’s a widely-used term that’s mostly an aesthetic rather than practical description. It typically refers to a couple, maybe a bit older, who pork other couples, perhaps at special resorts.

Throuple In case the cute play on words didn’t give it away, a throuple is three people who are in a relationship. 

Unicorns Unicorns (see: dragons) are often female or non-binary mythical creatures who just want to come over and fuck a couple and leave nothing behind. While a unicorn can call themselves a unicorn, it’s considered distasteful for a couple to go unicorn hunting. (It’s a sign that not enough consideration is going into the needs and desires of the person on the other side of the hunt.) 

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

What Does It Mean to Be Sexually Fluid?

by Crystal Raypole

At this point in time, experts have disproved many of the myths surrounding sexual orientation.

Like the color of your eyes or the shape of your nose, orientation is a trait many are born with or grow into over time.

Maybe in high school, for example, you developed crushes on people of one gender only. In college, you found yourself attracted to people of different genders.

Now, as an adult, you mostly date people of one gender but occasionally feel a flash of sexual attraction for people of other genders.

Does that mean you’re confused? Can’t make up your mind? That your college attractions were just a phase? No, no, and absolutely not.

No one can define your orientation for you, but the concept of sexual fluidity can help explain your experiences.

Sexual fluidity, in short, means your sexual orientation isn’t permanently fixed.

Yes, everyone has an underlying orientation — asexual, pansexual, or heterosexual, for example. Yet there’s room for it to expand a little, based on your experiences and current situation.

It can help to think of orientation as a spectrum that includes people of all genders. Sexually fluid people tend to experience attractions at different points along the spectrum as they go through life.

Maybe you grew up thinking you were only attracted to men, until you had a few flings with people of other genders. After a few years, you felt most attracted to men again, but you couldn’t say for certain whether that would always be the case.

These changes in how you experience romantic and sexual attraction are totally valid.

“Fluidity is an absolutely normal aspect of sexual orientation,” explains Will Zogg, a Washington therapist who specializes in gender affirming counseling.

“Attraction is far more complex than many people can communicate,” says Zogg. “And fluidity and the presentation of sexuality vary widely across cultures, age, access, and region.”

He goes on to say people sometimes interpret fluidity as confusion, or betrayal of an allegiance to a specific community.

“As a result of the stigma around fleeting same-sex attraction and consequences for that ‘betrayal,’ normal feelings of love and sex and curiosity often get swept under the rug, where the limits of Western societal norms keep them hidden,” explains Zogg.

If you’re sexually fluid, you might notice most of your sexual experiences and attractions fit under the label you use to identify yourself.

The key word here is “most,” since you’ll probably have a few outlier experiences that fall elsewhere on the spectrum.

Here’s an example:

You’ve only ever felt attracted to women. Then you develop a close relationship with a nonbinary friend. Your physical and emotional closeness eventually lead to a crush.

You think about kissing, touching, even having sex with them. Maybe you act on those desires, maybe you don’t. Eventually, you spend a little less time together, and your attraction fades, leaving you primarily attracted to women once again.

This one experience may not lead you to redefine your sexual orientation, but it does suggest some fluidity.

Close friendships sometimes fuel romantic feelings that lead to sexual desire, but attraction can exist without you acting on it.

Fluidity, by definition, changes over time, so you could develop a similar attraction in the future.

Though fluidity adds an extra factor in the equation of attraction, it won’t necessarily change your sexual behavior.

“What Westerners refer to as fluidity in sexuality (and in gender) is not a new idea for many cultures,” Zogg notes.

Researchers and anthropologists have explored fluidity across cultures and history. In terms of Western research, this concept has had many names, including erotic plasticityTrusted Source.

The term sexual fluidity comes from the research of psychologist and professor Dr. Lisa Diamond, who drew attention to the concept with her 2009 book, “Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire.”

In theory, yes, anyone can experience this fluidity, but not everyone does. Plenty of people only ever feel attracted to one gender.

While people of any gender can be sexually fluid, existing research suggests women tend to experience the most fluidity. Of course, this doesn’t mean all women are sexually fluid.

“Some sexually fluid men may feel more reluctant to talk about the range of attraction they experience, in part due to gender and sexuality stereotypes,” Zogg points out.

“They might avoid commenting on masculine celebrities they consider attractive, for example, or hesitate to express closeness to a male best friend,” says Zogg.

Most definitely, yes. Attraction, like orientation, is something you can’t control.

You might feel more attracted to one gender for a while, then your attraction might shift elsewhere on the spectrum.

Maybe you choose not to express or act on certain attractions, and that’s OK. All the same, you typically can’t pick and choose what part of the spectrum your attraction settles on at any given point in life.

Sexually fluid people might notice attraction shows up in a range of ways.

You could feel sexually attracted to people of one gender but develop stronger romantic feelings for people of another gender.

Maybe one specific person brings out feelings you’ve never had before. Though their traits don’t align with what you’d normally consider your “type,” you feel drawn to this specific excitement or arousal response.

You might also notice the characteristics that appeal to you in more masculine people are completely separate from the characteristics that you look for in more feminine people.

It’s pretty common to act differently on varying types of attraction.

You might:

  • enjoy kissing and cuddling partners of one gender but only have sex with people of another gender
  • enjoy a specific type of sex with one gender, but have different kinds of sex with other genders
  • develop romantic attachments with people of one gender and pursue physical relationships with people of other genders

These are all valid relationship styles. Just take care to practice good communication!

On the surface, sexual fluidity might seem pretty similar to bisexuality and pansexuality. Remember, though, bisexuality and pansexuality are orientations, and sexual fluidity is not.

Bisexuality doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone, but it’s typically recognized as a fairly consistent attraction to two groups: people of your gender and people of other genders.

Some people who identify as bisexual might only feel attracted to people of two genders. Others might develop attractions to people of multiple genders.

Pansexuality, on the other hand, means you might experience attraction to any person, regardless of their gender. In other words, you’re attracted to people of all genders.

You can be both sexually fluid and bisexual or pansexual. For example:

  • Sexually fluid pansexual people might occasionally feel most attracted to people of one gender, then more attracted to different genders again.
  • Sexually fluid bisexual people might temporarily feel more attracted to one gender over another, but this won’t permanently alter their overall attraction to people of other genders.

  • You might describe yourself as sexually fluid when you generally identify with an orientation that doesn’t consistently represent every attraction you experience.

    Say you primarily feel attracted to women, but you’ve had a few relationships with men. You don’t identify as bisexual, but you consider yourself somewhat fluid, since you’re not exclusively attracted to women.

    Maybe you’ve never had a romantic or sexual relationship with someone of your gender. Still, straight doesn’t entirely resonate with you as an orientation because you feel open to the possibility of a non-heterosexual relationship. It just hasn’t happened yet.

    Generally speaking, sexually fluid people have an orientation that remains roughly stable over time.

    So you might use this term if you mostly feel attracted to one gender but want to acknowledge the way your attraction and responses sometimes shift.

    As Diamond and other experts have pointed out, fluidity offers a better, more accurate explanation for what people have, in the past, stereotyped and stigmatized as “confusion.”

    As you go through life, you gain plenty of experience, both personally and from relationships with others.

    This expanding knowledge can have a pretty big impact on self-identity, including your understanding of your orientation.

    As awareness of your orientation develops, you might land on a different way of describing your attractions, and that’s just fine. You’re always free to use whatever term you identify with best.

    Interested in learning more about sexual orientations and identities?

    • Start with our guide to key terms here.
    • Check out the It Gets Better Project for a glossary of LGBTQ+ terms.
    • Visit Identiversity, a nonprofit website that provides factual, expert-informed education about gender and sexual diversity.

    • Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Everything You Need to Know About Polyamorous Relationships

Including the most common myths about polyamory and best practices for entering into a polyamorous agreement.

By Maressa Brown

If you’ve spent even a few minutes on a dating app these days, chances are you’ve encountered profiles that disclose some form of consensual non-monogamy. More and more, people are finding that they prefer to connect romantically and/or sexually with more than one partner. In fact, research published in 2016 from two national samples found that one-fifth of the population (21.9 percent in the first sample and 21.2 percent in the second sample) has engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lives — and for some people, this means practicing polyamory.

“Polyamory is a form of consensual non-monogamy that emphasizes emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy to whatever desired degree in an ongoing way among multiple partners,” explains Elisabeth A. Sheff Ph.D., CSE, author of The Polyamorists Next Door, who explains that often the goal for polyamorous people is to have long-term, emotionally intimate relationships with multiple people.

Here, what you need to know about polyamory.

What is a polyamorous relationship?

People in polyamorous relationships are open to bonding intimately — be that sexually and/or romantically — with multiple people. While monogamy is defined by exclusivity, polyamory is often rooted in expansiveness, points out Casey Tanner, certified sex therapist and expert for LELO who works with many polyamorous couples. “Successful polyamory is guided by explicit consent to what kind of romantic and/or sexual relationships are explored outside of the relationship at hand,” she says. “These agreements exist to keep each member of the relationship physically, emotionally, and sexually safe such that partners can truly lean into experiences within those boundaries.”

Unlike an open relationship — in which committed partners might agree to green light dating, sex, or other types of bonding outside of their relationship — a polyamorous relationship is marked by more relational commitment, says Shannon Chavez, Psy.D., a psychologist and sex therapist in Los Angeles. “There can be different levels of commitments and different levels of intimacy,” she notes. For instance, some relationships might be based strictly on sex while others are based on an emotional connection or both physical and emotional intimacy.

It also bears noting that many polyamorous people find support from building a sense of community with other polyam people, either online or locally. “It is much more than who you are having sex with or having another relationship,” says Chavez. “The lifestyle is an important part of polyamory.”

Polyamorous terms to know:

Many polyamorous relationships include a primary couple, and each of those people has one or more metamours or additional partners, explains Chavez. But there are also other forms as well. A quick primer:

Primary: Not every polyamorous relationship involves a primary couple, but when there is one, those two people are often intertwined in one another’s lives domestically and financially. They might have kids together too.

Secondary: Secondary partners are no less committed, but their involvement might be a bit more casual than the primary.

Triad (throuple) or quad: A consensual relationship among three committed partners. Add one more person — or two couples together — and you have a quad.

Full quad: A relationship in which all four partners are romantically and sexually involved with one another.

Polycule: A entire network of people who are romantically or intimately connected.

Solo polyamorous: This is someone who identifies as polyamorous and might be involved with other people who are as well, but they’re not interested in being married or entangled in a partner’s life financially, domestically, etc.

Compersion: This is defined as a feeling of joy — as opposed to jealousy — when you see your partner happy with someone else.

Common misconceptions about polyamorous relationships:

Although awareness about polyamorous relationships is growing, plenty of misconceptions abound. A few of the most common myths, busted:

In many ways, polyamorous relationships require following the same rules of the road as monogamous ones.

Building a healthy, intimate relationship with more than one person requires doing a lot of the same work and addressing a lot of the same issues that would come up in any kind of relationship, says Chavez. In other words, both monogamous and polyamorous people have to talk about boundaries and consent, communicate about the rules of the relationship, and look out for their partner(s)’ health and safety (think: STI testing). Polyamorous people prioritize this work of being in a relationship so that everyone comfortable, feels supported, and is on the same page.

There’s always one primary couple.

Not every polyamorous relationship involves a primary couple. “Polyamorous people often will have one relationship that is their ‘home base,’” explains Sheff. But that’s not always the case — and when it is, that “home base” relationship might not be so much “primary” as it is what Sheff calls a “figment of utility.” It just happens to be that you own a home or have a child with that partner, so you’re involved in one another’s lives in those practical, everyday ways, but it doesn’t mean you’re committed any more or less to that person.

Polyamorous people have wild sex lives.

Having multiple partners doesn’t mean life looks like porn for polyamorous people. Again, it’s more about building intimate relationships than exploring a sexual connection.

“There tends to be a lot of courting initially to make sure everyone is compatible and can handle all the moving pieces,” says Sheff. “Polyamorists, especially those who have been practicing it long-term, would much rather add someone to their life that augments all their other relationships and take the time to find that relationship.”

Practicing polyamory will save a monogamous relationship.

While some people might discover consensual non-monogamy during or after a monogamous relationship, polyamory isn’t a magic bullet to making a failing relationship last, points out Tanner. “If your relationship doesn’t already have a foundation of healthy communication, honesty, and commitment, exploring polyamory is more likely to exacerbate your struggles,” she notes. “If there’s any truth behind this myth, it’s the spirit that we can’t be all things to all people; it’s unrealistic to expect one person to be your greatest love, best of friends, and hottest sexual partner. Opening your monogamous relationship is one way to embrace this mentality, but probably not if your relationship is already on the brink of ending.”

Polyamorous people are “greedy” and “boundaryless.”

Tanner says it’s all too common for some people to scoff off polyamory as an attempt to extend their youth, avoid commitment, or satisfy a voracious sexual appetite. This is because they don’t see the hard work that goes on behind the scenes of healthy polyamorous relationships, and they fear what they don’t understand, she says. “Polyam folks put in just as much time, energy and effort into honoring their commitments —maybe more — as monogamous people,” notes Tanner.

There is only one way to be polyamorous.

Just like other marginalized groups, people misunderstand the polyamorous community to be homogenous, or one-size-fits-all, says Tanner. “When people picture a polyam person, they might think of a youthful, queer artist type with no kids and no mortgage,” she says. “In reality, polyamory occurs throughout the lifespan and includes people of all professions, family constellations, sexual orientations, and socioeconomic statuses.”

The key to truly seeing polyamory for what it is requires looking at it not through the lens of monogamy, but looking at it as its own unique practice, lifestyle, or identity, she explains.

How you might come to identify as polyamorous:

Some people come to polyamory after having been in monogamous relationships in the past and finding that they were not getting their needs met, says Chavez.

But that’s far from the only path to practicing what Chavez calls a relationship orientation. People are realizing that they knew from the beginning of their relationships that they could — and would prefer to — be in love with more than one partner at a time, explains Chavez.

Either way, polyamorous people realize that they are someone who could love multiple people and enjoy multiple relationships, and they find monogamy limits their ability to do that, she says.

Yet, these qualities alone aren’t sufficient for enjoying polyamory, adds Tanner. “Many people are excited about the opportunity to explore other relationships, but become angry or resentful when imagining a partner having that same freedom,” she notes.

That said, making the decision to practice polyamory is not one to take lightly. “Because meaningful polyamory requires significant emotional energy, self-reflection, and communication, it’s incredibly important to take your time in evaluating whether or not this is right for you,” says Tanner. “If you do choose to do the work, however, it’s a labor of love that may bring a deeper appreciation for your partners, greater self-knowledge, and an abundance of connection.”

Best practices for entering into a polyamorous agreement:

If you’re just beginning to practice polyamory, Tanner recommends making the following moves:

Address transparency.  Answer questions like what do you want to know about the other’s outside relationships, and how much detail do you want to provide/be provided with?

Discuss frequency. Talk about the frequency with which you’d like to engage in other relationships and the ways in which you’ll continue to be intentional with bringing energy to the relationship at hand.

Talk about “coming out.” Decide which people in your life you feel comfortable “coming out” to about polyamory, and make sure you’re on the same page.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

I’m Black, Queer, and Polyamorous

— Why Does That Matter to My Doctors?

I deserve the same health care as you.

By Gabrielle Smith

I’m Black, queer, and polyamorous. These things shouldn’t affect my quality of health care but, unfortunately, they do. Because my life is labeled as “alternative,” I run into endless stigma at the doctor’s office.

I’ve been slut-shamed when seeking birth control. I’ve been scrutinized for my non-monogamous lifestyle. I’ve been side-eyed when I mention I have sex with women and men. I can’t donate blood because I have sex with queer men. So often my concerns have been silenced because doctors don’t listen to Black women. And don’t get me started on how difficult it was to find a therapist who took my insurance and also didn’t discriminate against me.

So when it comes to casting my ballot, you best believe I’m paying attention to a candidate’s health care policy. President Donald Trump has failed LGBTQ Americans in that respect — and in so many other ways. The current administration imposed a ban on transgender folks serving in the military. It rolled back protections within the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS), ones that previously banned the discrimination of LGBTQ couples seeking adoption. And lest we forget, it also rescinded Obama-era guidance on how schools should treat transgender students’ bathroom usage.

In terms of health care, the Affordable Care Act, passed in 2010 by the Obama administration, was a landmark victory for so many. It insured and extended coverage for 20 million Americans and also clarified and extended protections for the LGBT community. One study found that after the ACA was implemented, the rate of uninsured LGB adults decreased significantly, dropping from 19 percent in 2013 to 10 percent in 2016.

Ever since the ACA passed, though, the Republican party has been trying to tear it down. Most recently, they’ve urged the Supreme Court to declare the bill unconstitutional. Bottom line: Under the Trump administration, we’ve seen a litany of changes in health care legislation that specifically, and negatively, affects folks in the LGBTQ community.

LGBTQ Folks Are Discriminated Against, Underinsured, and More Often Ill

Unsurprisingly, marginalized people are marginalized. That includes the LGBTQ community — an estimated 11 million U.S. adults, according to a 2018 Gallup report.

In May 2018, the Kaiser Family Foundation (a non-partisan, non-profit organization focused on analyzing national health issues) released a comprehensive report on the state of health and access within the community, and found that, overall, LGBTQ folks are more likely to face challenges finding adequate care and to experience physical health issues, chronic conditions, and early onset of disability. That’s not all. They also found: LGBTQ folks are two and a half times more likely to have depression, anxiety, or substance abuse disorders; almost one in six bisexual women reported experiencing “serious psychological distress” in the past 30 days, with a little over a quarter having considered suicide; bisexual adults are significantly less likely to have adequate access to care compared to other sexual orientations; and almost half of transgender folks postponed medical care because they couldn’t afford it.

In addition, the Human Rights Campaign, an LGBTQ advocacy group, released a research brief on the status of LGBTQ folks and COVID-19. It found that they’re more likely to work in at-risk environments such as food service (see: the cute blue-haired barista at your local coffee shop who knows your order by heart, or me, the bartender who asks if you want to do a shot together). LGBTQ folks are also more likely to be poorer than those of other sexualities, and as a result not be able to afford regular medical care.

Finding adequate care goes beyond considering financial means — it includes navigating a minefield of discrimination. In a survey conducted by Lambda Legal (an LGBT legal and advocacy organization), 56 percent of lesbian, gay, and bisexual respondents reported instances of providers denying care, using harsh language, or blaming their sexual orientation or gender identity as the cause of an illness; that jumps to 70 percent for transgender and gender-nonconforming individuals.

It’s pretty clear: Queer folks are far more likely to need the healthcare system and are more likely to be failed by it. While the ACA helped millions of Americans, for so many queer folks, it still didn’t do enough.

Attacks On LGBTQ Protection via Section 1557

The ACA was one step forward for LGBTQ health care, but the Trump administration continues to go after its policies — most importantly, those that prevent medical discrimination.

For folks in the LGBTQ community, one of the most important changes from the ACA was that Section 1557 added language to include gender identity and sexuality toward the protected class of “sex.” This is significant because the Civil Rights Act of 1964 declared it unlawful to discriminate against people on the basis of sex, and thus, adding gender identity and sexuality to the definition of sex protects LGBTQ folks from discrimination as well. It specifically addressed important aspects of care, such as: health care providers must treat individuals consistent with their gender identity, they cannot deny sex-specific treatment due to gender identity (ex: trans men cannot be denied care for HPV or ovarian cancer, etc.), and the explicit exclusion of trans-affirming care (ex: hormone therapy or gender-affirming surgeries) is considered discriminatory.

So, you know, treat people like people. Make sure they don’t die and whatnot. While it seems wild to think that doctors would deny life-saving health care like prostate exams for trans-feminine individuals… some folks would rather see trans folk die. In these cases, a transgender person would need to find care from alternative providers. While this sounds simple, they risk having to go out-of-network or go without.

The HSS, under President Trump, eliminated these protections and others related to LGBT care, which means trouble for queer folks all around. The Supreme Court and a few district courts have sought to uphold some of these protections or block the new regulations, but the chipping away at these protections allows room for anti-queer action by local, state and federal governments, as well as by individual medical providers.

This isn’t the only way the current administration has undermined the ACA, and thus, put marginalized folks at risk. It also passed a ruling to allow “short-term health insurance,” which could leave those faced with sudden health issues to deal with massive medical bills. Short-term health insurance allows people to feel like they have coverage, but in reality, these plans are allowed to bypass ACA requirements like covering pre-existing conditions. This is notable not only because of the community’s predisposition to chronic illness but also because HIV is an especially large concern in the LGBTQ population.

In the 2020 election, we must hold leaders accountable. Vice President Biden says he plans to uphold the Affordable Care Act if elected — and also promises to build on the act and make it even more accessible, according to his campaign. He told NBC News he wants to create a public insurance option and allow Americans to keep their private insurance if they choose, as well as cap medication prices and out-of-pocket costs.

If that’s the case, members of my community will be hoping for the resolution of other health care hurdles as well. Many insurance providers still do not cover facial feminization (cosmetic procedures to affirm gender) for trans-feminine individuals. This can be lifesaving medical care considering the rate at which trans women are murdered; allowing someone to affirm their gender via procedures like this not only allows them to outwardly present the way they identify, but also helps protect them from hate crimes or acts of intolerance. Not to mention, the intersection of religious freedom and LGBTQ rights is consistently used as justification to discriminate against queer folk. In 2018, the current administration created an office of “Conscience and Religious Freedom” within the HHS, which gives individual people, providers, and health care entities more leeway to discriminate against LGBTQ people based on religious beliefs.

Maybe these issues don’t affect you. Maybe you could care less. But think about your loved ones and peers, as well as your fellow Americans. If this country is as great as it’s proclaimed to be, shouldn’t everyone feel comfortable walking into a doctor’s office? Imagine your child couldn’t receive a pap smear because of who they date or how they identify. Then imagine your child gets HPV, the most commonly transmitted STI, which can become cancerous without care. Or imagine your child was like me, faced with the knowledge that an ex-boyfriend’s partner received an abnormal pap (meaning he could have then transmitted potentially-cancerous HPV to me), but unable to receive care due to lack of insurance. This shouldn’t be the reality. Yet, it prevails.

Advocating for equality is a frustrating, exhausting, and terrifying fight. I dream of the day I can walk into my doctor’s office and not fear the details of my sex life will impact the quality of my treatment. Until then, I’m looking for rainbows on the door of my doctor’s office and looking toward this election for a glimmer of hope.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Kissing monogamy goodbye

Sex and relationship therapist knows from experience, open relationships can be pathway to happiness

By: Jen Zoratti

Before she literally wrote a book on open relationships, Winnipeg sex and relationship therapist Susan Wenzel was in a monogamous marriage with her husband Denys.

That is, until, he came to her wanting to discuss opening their marriage.

“It was a very scary time for me, because I had that idea of monogamy,” she recalls. “I remember feeling very dizzy, very confused, very hurt. All that anxiety kicks in.” She even kicked him out.

That was eight years ago. Now, Wenzel, 41, and her husband, also 41, are in a consensual non-monogamous open marriage, which means they are free to pursue relationships with other people — and she’s never been happier.

Her book, A Happy Life in an Open Relationship: The Essential Guide to a Healthy and Fulfilling Nonmonogamous Love Life, came out in March via Chronicle Books.

“I wanted something for people who are considering opening their relationship, so they could have a guide,” says Wenzel, who has worked with many couples who are either curious about open relationships or are currently in one through her therapy practice. Their struggles and challenges were familiar to her, and she shares her own story in the book.

“(The book) doesn’t advocate, it doesn’t say, ‘non-monogamy is the way to go’ — it just says, ‘if you are in a non-monogamous relationship or you’re considering opening up your relationship, this is a book that will help you maintain and navigate that relationship well.’”

When we think about the love stories we’re told, in fairy tales and rom-coms, monogamy — and, in particular, heterosexual monogamy — tends to be the norm, which is why some people find the idea of non-monogamy threatening.

“It questions all those beliefs we have about relationships, all the myths we have about relationships,” Wenzel says. “From the time you’re a little person, you’ve been taught that monogamy is the way to do it: you find your Prince Charming or your princess or whatever, and you live happily ever after. You’re special, you’re the true one person.

“Hearing a different story can really throw people off. People get very triggered when they hear about open relationships because of their own fears.”

“People get very triggered when they hear about open relationships because of their own fears.” –Susan Wenzel

Wenzel saw that first-hand when she and her husband came out. The response, she said, was mostly positive, “especially from my friends and people who know us; they do know we’re happy in our relationship,” she says.

But there were others who didn’t quite know what to make of it. “Again, it throws them off because it’s like, ‘How come you guys are so happy and you’re living this lifestyle that is not the norm to many people?’ But then they see we haven’t changed, we’re still relatable.

“Sometimes (monogamy) doesn’t work,” she says. “It works for some, and that’s great, but for those who are non-monogamous, I think they are worthy of finding happiness they are looking for. The common ground is people want to be happy in their relationships.”

And monogamy is not a sure route to happiness for many people, especially when one is expected to be everything to one’s partner.

“You are my confidant, you are my security, you are my lover, you are my friend, you fulfil all my sexual needs, all my emotional needs — you become everything to that person, (and) that’s doomed to fail.

“We also start taking people for granted — not because we don’t love them, but because they are ‘ours.’ There’s something about open relationships where you’re reminded that other people find your partner attractive, too.”

At first, Wenzel’s newly opened relationship was fraught, governed by control, fear and jealousy. Wenzel began to look inward in order to answer a question that both scared and excited her: “What would happen if I embraced this?” Through her own personal growth, she was able to pinpoint that a large source of her anxiety related to a childhood-rooted fear of abandonment.

“But that’s a story I tell myself because my partner is there for me in so many ways,” she says. “I know he’s reliable and dependable — that doesn’t change because he’s seeing someone else.”

Non-monogamy also opened other doors for her, including the freedom to pursue relationships with women — something she says that both her religious background and her belief in monogamy “would not have allowed me to even entertain — they’re those thoughts you have that you push away,” she says. “This is an opportunity to live my truth.”

“This is an opportunity to live my truth.” –Susan Wenzel

Wenzel and her husband have two kids, a 14-year-old son and a 13-year-old-daughter. The idea of a different family unit wasn’t completely unfamiliar to them: their Kenyan grandfather, Wenzel’s father, has two wives. “My son says, ‘No, that’s not for me’ and my daughter says, “It makes sense, sometimes I like different people,’” Wenzel says.

The couple maintains boundaries with their children: general questions only; their sex lives are not up for discussion.

In order for a non-monogamous relationship to work, trust, communication and consent are paramount. Otherwise, it’s not an open relationship. It’s an affair.

“Consent is vital,” Wenzel says. “If you step out and see other people without consent, you’re breaking the agreement that you committed with your partner, because that person thinks they’re in a monogamous relationship with you. And you’re depriving them of an opportunity to be a part of it. Maybe they’ve never brought it up because they thought it wasn’t on the table.

“When it’s consensual, you can create healthy boundaries. You can talk about safe sex. When it’s non-consensual, the other person is not aware of what’s going on.”

Which brings us to, as with all matters in 2020, to the pandemic. Wenzel has seen, especially in various Facebook groups, non-monogamous couples grappling with new challenges put in place by COVID-19.

“That is a concern, where one person wants to see their open-relationship partner, and the other person doesn’t,” she says.

Her advice is to approach the subject the same way one approaches other family members who aren’t in the same bubble. “Maybe it’s not the time to meet someone you don’t know right now, because you don’t know their history. But if you know someone’s history, you know they haven’t travelled, then that’s just like a family member outside the household. Maybe we’re not hugging, but we can still spend time with them,” she says.

“It’s important to hear your partner’s concerns, to validate their concerns if they have a problem — not just go ahead and do it. And then come up with a solution, to say, ‘Can I meet this person for coffee and no contact?’ Or, ‘Can I ask first where they’ve been?’ Making an effort to show your partner you are taking it seriously may help lessen their anxiety.”

“One belief system I changed is, ‘My husband is not the source of my happiness. I am the source of my happiness.’” –Susan Wenzel

For Wenzel, non-monogamy ended up strengthening the relationship with her husband.

“One belief system I changed is, ‘My husband is not the source of my happiness. I am the source of my happiness.’ And if I look to him to make me happy, he will fail every time. That happiness comes from within me,” she says.

“And also to know that he came into this life to do his life, and for me to do my life — and maybe we can walk alongside each other and do that life together.”

Wenzel views her open relationship as a gift that has allowed her to grow in all areas of her life.

“It’s not the open relationship that brought me happiness,” she says. “It’s the work around it.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

9 Ways Non-Monogamous People Are Dealing With the Pandemic

Communication, communication, communication.

By Gabrielle Smith

So. This pandemic thing sucks. We’ve been asked to sacrifice a lot for our personal safety and the collective good, like shrinking down our IRL social circles and quieting our social calendars. But that’s okay! It’s clearly all for a very important reason. Even so, there’s no denying the many impacts the pandemic has had on our romantic relationships. Sure, people are finding ways to deal. Some are doing virtual date nights. Another potential solution is to shack up with a partner—but what do you do when you have more than one?

I’m polyamorous, falling under the incredibly wide umbrella of ethical non-monogamy (ENM). As a solo-polyamorous person, I choose not to live with any partners or exert innate hierarchies in my relationships (meaning I don’t rank my partners as primary, secondary, etc.). Like many others, I was isolated from my partner at the beginning of the pandemic. I can assure you, it wasn’t fun. Now, five months after the World Health Organization declared COVID-19 a pandemic, non-monogamous folks are still figuring out how to navigate this new way of life.

Within that attempt to adapt, non-monogamous folks are running into alternative difficulties, some that folks who date monogamously don’t really have to worry about. So how are non-monogamous folks dealing in these unprecedented times? Here’s how various people in the ENM community are dealing with some of the many challenges COVID-19 has created:

1. We’re now discussing COVID-19 concerns as part of our normal safety precautions.

Discussion about safety and risk, especially around transmittable diseases, isn’t new to the ENM community. Research has found that compared to monogamous folk, ethically non-monogamous people tend to be more likely to be responsible concerning condom usage and STI screening. And we talk about it with each other: When it comes to fluid bonding with new partners (meaning, having unprotected sex), explicit boundaries, communication, and STI testing are all very important.

So it’s no surprise that for many of us, our communication now extends to COVID-19 risk behaviors. On top of everything we typically take into consideration when seeing our partners and introducing new ones, now everyone has to consider who they’re breathing on. Just as we ask questions like, “How many partners have you had recently?” or “Are you engaging in risky sexual activity?” we’re now also asking questions like, “Okay, exactly how many people are you around in the average week?” or “Are you following best practices to prevent the spread of the coronavirus?”

Admittedly, it can feel more intrusive than usual, but it’s worth it. “It’s a little awkward and uncomfortable being the one asking very thorough questions regarding safety and social distancing, but I’d rather be safe than sorry,” Sharon R., 26, from Long Island, tells SELF. “The way someone responds to me tells me a lot about them. It can help me decide whether we might be a good match or not.”

2. Some folks are forming poly-bubbles.

Just like some folks formed “quarantine pods” to still see important loved ones while otherwise practicing social distancing, some polyamorous people are negotiating how to keep up with multiple partnerships via poly-bubbles. Those who already practiced “kitchen table” polyamory—where partners and metamours (your lover’s lover) are all friendly and spend time together—are particularly well-suited for this.

I ended up forming a poly-bubble of sorts with my polycule, simply because it made sense for us logistically. With a collective understanding of each individual’s boundaries, we make sure to address what we jokingly call “the committee” before making moves that may put others at risk. Our rules are mostly to lower exposure: wearing masks when we are in public, riding in car shares with the windows open, and requiring new partners to get COVID-19 tested before swapping spit, just to name a few examples.

3. Many are feeling the emotional toll of supporting multiple partners.

Obviously, life has changed drastically for many of us. With that comes immense emotional turmoil. Those with multiple partners may find themselves acting as a pillar of support for each and every partner. It’s hard to sustain. “For someone who already plays a compassionate role, there’s a lot of compassion fatigue,” Alex V., a 34-year-old, from New York, tells SELF. “The way I cope is to remind myself and others that this is only temporary. Some people have a hard time seeing through the day-to-day and find it stifling or tiresome. Feeling isolated plays with your feelings.”

4. We’ve had to recalibrate our relationships in response to COVID-19.

The COVID-19 pandemic has forced a lot of us to have difficult conversations about our partnerships. Incompatible lifestyles, at-risk activity, and different levels of vulnerability to the disease are keeping partners apart, even as testing becomes more readily available in some areas. Some of these conversations are revealing hierarchies within previously equal relationships. For example, partners might start to feel more or less prioritized thanks to the logistics of the pandemic. This fact has even caused some couples to split because they never agreed to hierarchical terms, like the couples writer Zachary Zane explored in this piece for NewNowNext.

That said, one of the nice things about non-monogamy is that relationships can be fluid more easily. It’s not uncommon for relationships to transition from serious to casual, or from romantic to platonic. Some people are putting their relationships “on the shelf” until the pandemic is over, or choosing to stay digital because they have different lifestyles despite proximity.

5. Folks are getting creative due to long-term separation.

Abiding by quarantine and social distancing is pretty much a hallmark of pandemic relationship struggles. As SELF previously reported, some polyamorous people who are quarantined with their partners are facing some logistical challenges. “I’m quarantined with my primary partner in a studio apartment, so maintaining my relationship with my girlfriend who lives elsewhere has been awkward,” Wendy X., 26, from Charleston, told SELF. “Normally we’d go out together or meet at her place, and I don’t want to make my partner sit through my FaceTime dates. So for now, we mostly text and talk on G-Chat, and video call when my partner is in the shower or at the store.”

Established partners aren’t the only ones dealing with logistical troubles, either. Dorita L., a 26-year-old from Ottawa, tells SELF that she began seeing a new partner after the pandemic began. Because her partner is immunocompromised, they had to be extra careful. “We found creative ways to date, get to know each other, and even have some fun all while maintaining social and physical distance,” she says. “[For] our first ‘romantic date’ we chose a restaurant, then each called said restaurant to order a meal for the other person without disclosing what we ordered. Our food arrived around the same time so we could share the meal together [on video chat]. It was fun to surprise each other with our meal choices and a good way to learn more about each other’s likes and dislikes.”

6. Many are putting emotional connection in the front seat.

Since it’s currently unwise to partake in hook-up culture like some of us are used to, emotional connections are flourishing. “I met one of my current partners right before our state shut down in March, so most of our dating has been done virtually,” Chloe T., a 26-year-old from Salt Lake City, tells SELF. “It was really fascinating to see how much we got to connect emotionally when direct physical intimacy wasn’t an option. Thankfully, I’ve been able to meet up with them in person a small number of times since. But having those several months in the beginning of pure emotional connection was one of the coolest polyamorous experiences I’ve had in a while.”

7. We’re asking new questions while cohabitating for pandemic purposes.

Plenty of people made the choice to move in with their partners early in the pandemic rather than face extended separation. For some, it’s required a lot of self-reflection. Ferris S., 25, from Cincinnati, has been cohabitating with their immunocompromised partner due to the pandemic and has started wondering what it means for the future of how they practice polyamory.

“I have been thinking about what it will be like when my partner and I go back to not living together and fear that we may have become semi-codependent throughout this time and will have a hard transition back to being strictly solo-poly,” they tell SELF. “I think there may be a part of me that wants to move in with him [long-term] because of how well we work together and how nice it has been, but I don’t know if I am ready to tackle that part of the jealous side of me. Like if we were bringing partners home to stay the night, would we have separate rooms? Or [would we] stay at other peoples’ houses? I also don’t know if that’s even a good idea. Just because something works doesn’t mean it’s right.”

8. More of us are connecting in online polyam communities.

Not only is this great for social distancing needs, but it’s also helping people find polyam communities who otherwise might have had a harder time. For example, cities are often hotspots for the alternative, so naturally, polyamorous communities are easy to find within them. If you live in New York or San Francisco, it’s simple to find an event like Poly Cocktails to mingle with like-minded individuals. But there’s considerably less access to free love in, say, rural areas.

However, now that online events have become the norm, non-monogamous folks from all over can come together—in whatever manner they like. More salacious members-only clubs like NSFW and Playscapes have been offering virtual play parties, offering members the opportunity to watch and share various sex acts.

9. Unsurprisingly, communication is still paramount for poly people.

This is always true for ethical non-monogamy and many of us are leaning hard on our skills. That said, just because we have practice doesn’t mean we’re not struggling, too. “Regardless of relationship structure, we’re all feeling a bit more vulnerable right now and a bit more uncertain about the future,” Morgan K., 33-year-old polyamory relationship coach from Berlin, tells SELF.

Luckily, Morgan has some advice for anyone dealing with the challenges on this list and beyond. “If we want our relationships to survive, proactive communication is a must,” she says. “We have to tell the people we love how we feel, what we’re scared about, and what we need. This is not the time to shrink, to make assumptions, or to hope they can read our minds. When radical honesty is part of our daily lives, it helps us stay solution-oriented. It offers relief and healing.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

A Beginner’s Guide To Relationship Anarchy

– Examples & How To Practice

By Kesiena Boom, M.S.

In 2020, viewing monogamy as the only way to successfully conduct a relationship seems a little passé. Growing numbers of people are living nonmonogamous lifestyles. In fact, a 2017 study found at least one in five people have engaged in some form of consensual non-monogamy before. One approach to living a nonmonogamous lifestyle can be to adopt a philosophy of relationship anarchy.

What is relationship anarchy?

Relationship anarchy is a way of approaching relationships that rejects any rules and expectations other than the ones the involved people agree on. This approach “encourages people to let their core values guide how they choose and craft their relationship commitments rather than relying on social norms to dictate what is right for you,” Dedeker Winston, relationship coach and co-host of the podcast Multiamory, tells mbg.

People who practice relationship anarchy, sometimes abbreviated as RA, are beholden to themselves and only themselves when it comes to choosing who they conduct sexual or romantic relationships with and how they do it. Relationship anarchists look to form relationships with people that are based entirely on needs, wants, and desires rather than on socially mandated labels and expectations. Some central tenets of relationship anarchy are freedom, communication, and nonhierarchy.

An RA mindset also seeks to dissolve the strict divides between platonic friendship and sexual or romantic love that exist in wider society. Practitioners of relationship anarchy see it as superfluous at best and harmful at worst to rank relationships in order of importance according to the presence of sex or romantic love, and they reject the prioritization of romance above friendship and the elevation of the monogamous couple above all else. (The poem “On Leaving the Bachelorette Brunch” by Rachel Wetzsteon puts that philosophy into art.)

The relationship anarchy manifesto.

The term “relationship anarchy” was originally coined by Andie Nordgren, who published an instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy in a pamphlet in 2006. Nordgren outlines the following principles to guide you through a relationship anarchist life:

1. Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique.

Love is not a limited resource. You can love multiple people without it detracting from the love that you feel for each of them. Every relationship that you have is an entirely new creation between its two (or more) parties and should be approached as such.

2. Love and respect instead of entitlement.

Your bond with someone does not give you the right to control or coerce them. They are an autonomous person who can act as they wish to. Love is not a byword for bossing someone around, nor is love only real when we’re willing to compromise parts of ourselves for others.

3. Find your core set of relationship values.

Focus on what you want and need when it comes to how you will treat and be treated by others. Don’t be tempted to compromise on your inner values in order to try to keep a relationship that no longer serves you.

4. Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don’t let fear lead you.

Be mindful of the way in which heterosexism (the assumption that heterosexuality is the only correct, moral, and desirable way to organize relationships) can corrupt your ideas about what is acceptable within relationships. Stay aware of the assumptions you hold about what gender means with relation to love and work to untangle them.

5. Build for the lovely and unexpected.

Be spontaneous in your connections. Don’t feel held back by the “shoulds” or the “ought to’s.”

6. Fake it till you make it.

Breaking with monogamous, heterosexist relationship norms is hard work. Setting out to do the work can feel like a tall mountain to climb. Push through and go for it nonetheless until it feels like second nature.

Choose to assume that your partner(s) want the best for you. When we approach our relationships with a bedrock of trust, we do not engage in validation-seeking behaviors that can drive unions apart.

8. Change through communication.

Be in continuous dialogue with your partner(s). Do not rely on “sensing” what they think or feel. Communication must be enacted at every step along the way in order to establish how things will function, not just when there are problems to solve. Without communication, people fall into old norms and can inadvertently hurt each other.

9. Customize your commitments.

Do you want to have children together but never move in together? Do you want to get married but never have children? Do you want to maintain separate homes but be committed life partners? Whatever it is that you want, you have the power to make happen. You don’t have to travel along the accepted “relationship escalator” of dating exclusively, moving in, getting married, and having children.

Relationship anarchy versus polyamory versus monogamy.

A monogamous person chooses to eschew all sexual and romantic bonds with people other than their one chosen partner. This is the model of relationship that is most common and holds the most societal recognition. While the majority of relationship anarchists are nonmonogamous and therefore have (or wish to have) sexual and/or emotional bonds with more than one person at a time, Winston says relationship anarchists can also engage in monogamous relationships.

“I do believe that someone can choose to be sexually or emotionally monogamous with a particular person and still be a practicing relationship anarchist,” Winston explains. “As long as you are questioning the status quo, examining your values, and communicating your needs, it is possible to build a radical relationship anarchist life.”

Relationship anarchy thus differs from polyamory, which it is sometimes confused with. Polyamory is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the informed consent of all partners involved. It is sometimes known as ethical or consensual nonmonogamy. To be polyamorous means to acknowledge that people can love more than one person simultaneously. This is different from an open relationship, in which the couple goes outside of the relationship for sex, and not necessarily for lasting and committed emotional intimacy or love.

How relationship anarchy works in practice.

It’s not really possible to give an outline of what the average relationship anarchist’s life might look like. “Typical is a myth. In reality, each of our lives is unique and one-of-a-kind, which is also true for people practicing relationship anarchy,” says Anna Dow, LMFT, therapist and founder of Vast Love, a coaching and counseling practice for people navigating nonmonogamy.

She continues, “A lot of people hear the word ‘anarchy’ and think of radical punk rockers with tattoos and mohawks. While that’s sometimes on point, the lives of relationship anarchists are also as varied as they come. Relationship anarchy is the ‘choose your own adventure’ version of relationships. It’s a belief in coloring outside the lines and going off-trail. When we expand our minds past the predefined boundaries, the possibilities can be endless!”

That being said, a common thread between all relationship anarchists is the time given over to communication. Dow says one characteristic that links together those who are well suited to RA is “strong communication skills, including the abilities to empathetically listen and to authentically express one’s feelings/needs in a direct way. If someone struggles with compassionately considering other people’s perspectives or feels guilt when expressing their own feelings/needs, they likely have some personal growth work to do before being optimally ready for sustaining healthy relationships in the context of RA.”

While it’s impossible to identify an “average” relationship anarchist, some of the ways in which it might look to live an RA lifestyle are to live with a mix of romantic and platonic life partners who are all equally responsible for maintaining the household and making big life decisions. Or to have two romantic partners who aren’t given more time and precedence in one’s life than one’s platonic friends. It can look like choosing to have children with platonic friends instead of with lovers. In short, the sky’s the limit.

When people think of the word “anarchy,” they imagine a lawless and chaotic state of order, but “contrary to common misconceptions, relationship anarchy is not a justification for people to do whatever they want in relationships without consideration of other people’s feelings, needs, desires, or boundaries,” says Dow.

Taking the jump into relationship anarchy is not for those who are looking for an easy way out. “It’s not a magic spell for reducing the amount of work that you need to put into your relationships,” cautions Winston. Like any nonmonogamous setup, relationship anarchy will not solve problems you have in your current relationship.

In an interview with Autostraddle, Josie Kearns, a queer woman with a wife and a girlfriend, explains her approach to relationship anarchy like this:

“To me it means that my partners and I don’t control our relationships with other people — we set boundaries, but we don’t ask to enforce rules on each other. I find it much more meaningful to say, ‘I’m choosing to do this because I care about you and I know it will feel good to you,’ than to say, ‘I’m doing this because it obeys our rules.’”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Polyamorous Relationships

– A Definition of Polyamory, How It Works And Why It’s Not All About Sex

Polyamory is also known as ‘consensual non-monogamy’

By Becky Burgum

Storybooks, fairytales and the media have hardwired many of us into believing we will eventually meet ‘The One’ – the person we’re supposed to spend the rest of our lives.

You may think that the idea of a soulmate is unrealistic, believe that you will encounter several Ones in your life or find the idea of needing a signifiant other at all rather insulting (‘so what, we’re incomplete if we choose to be on our own?’).

Polyamorous relationships are a further rejection of the monogamous relationship convention. Polyamory allows for you to be in consenting relationships with more than one person, concurrently.

Sounds complicated? Perfect? Confusing? A recipe for disaster? How a polyamorous relationship works might sound complex at first, but it’s often misunderstood.

Though the concept has been around for centuries, polyamory has come further into the forefront of people’s consciousness in recent years. From TV shows like House of Cards to celebrities admitting that they’re in open relationships, polyamory – otherwise known as ‘consensual non-monogamy’ (CNM) – is very much in the cultural ether.

But how common is polyamory?

A January 2020 YouGov poll found that approximately one-third of US adults (based on a group of 1,300 people) say that their ideal relationship is non-monogamous to some degree. However, only about five per cent of Americans currently live a non-monogamous lifestyle.

Many of us might like the sound of a polyamorous relationship in theory, but how does it work in practise?

Here’s everything you need to know about polyamory and what it means to be in a polyamorous relationship:

What is polyamory?

The Merriam Webster dictionary defines the term as: ‘The state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time’.

While technically correct, sex and polyamory educators argue that this definition ignores a vital component: consent.

‘Polyamory is an ethically, honestly, and consensually driven relationship structure that allows us to engage in many loving relationships,’ sex-positivity educator, Lateef Taylor, told Shape last year. ‘The consent component here is vital.’

This means that people in a polyamorous relationship should be aware of and agree to the relationship’s dynamics, emotions and needs, from the outset and again every time the dynamic changes. Essentially, there shouldn’t be any ‘I’m just nipping out for a few hours’ secrets among those involved.

The Macmillan dictionary describes the term ‘polyamory’ more accurately, noting: ‘Having more than one serious, sexual-emotional relationship at the same time.’

Polyamory is also known as ‘consensual non-monogamy’, as explained by Dr Elisabeth Sheff, author of The Polyamorists Next Door, to Psychology Today in 2018.

‘Polyamory is a form of consensual non-monogamy (CNM) with emotionally intimate relationships among multiple people that can also be sexual and/or romantic partners,’ she stated.

The state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time

She explains that polyamory encompasses open relationships (where you agree you can have sex with anyone you want, but probably won’t report back to your partner about the experience every time), to solo polyamory, where you identify as polyamorous, but are not currently in multiple relationships.

Charyn Pfeuffer, 47, from Seattle and author of has dated both monogamously and non-monogamously over the years.

‘I’ve found that having the space to explore various relationship models with freedom and openness works best for me,’ Pfeuffer tells ELLE UK. ‘I’m pansexual and attracted to all sexes and gender identities, so it’s impossible for me to confine love, attraction, and intimacy to a neat and tidy labeled box.’

Kitchen table polyamory (KTP) is a branch of polyamory that Pfeuffer has practised.

KTP is a dynamic in which partners and ‘metamours’ (a partner’s partner) all know each other, and, in theory, would feel comfortable meeting up together. For Pfeuffer, her experience of this type of relationship turned into a MFF (male-female-female) triad, which involved her dating a married couple, individually and together, for a year.

The author explains that given her huge capacity to love and care for others, non-monogamy (specifically polyamory) allows her to tear down the social constructs we’ve been taught, and allows her to love multiple partners with total transparency.

‘Polyamory isn’t for everyone; ditto for monogamy,’ Pfeuffer continues, noting that there are rarely alternatives considered, nor the idea that one can choose to design their own relationship. ‘Like any relationship, it’s a commitment (but with multiple partners) and requires constant work.’

Is polyamory a new concept?

‘Free love’ or non-monogamy has been practised for millions of years, with anthropologists arguing that polyamory was common among hunter-gather societies.

As psychologist and author Christopher Ryan previously stated: ‘These overlapping, intersecting sexual relationships strengthened group cohesion and could offer a measure of security in an uncertain world.’

And as early as the 1800s, several groups in America – such as Mormons – practised a multiple partner relationship style.

As a concept, polyamory is currently in its third wave of obscure popularity, according to Dr Sheff.

‘During the first wave, utopians, feminists, and anarchists advocated consensual non-monogamy as a cure for everything from capitalist oppression to men’s tyrannical ownership of women,’ she argues.

The second wave began with the “free love” portion of the sexual revolution of the 1960s and 1970s, flourishing among hippies, swingers, and disco dancers. The third and current wave, largest by far, started with the spread of Internet communication.’

Where does the term ‘polyamorous’ come from?

The word ‘polyamorous’ is a blend of ‘poly’ (from the Greek phrase meaning ‘more than one’) and ‘amor’ (the Latin word for ‘love’), according to the Macmillan Dictionary.

The term ‘polyamory’ is believed to have been officially coined and popularised by US poet Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart in 1990, in an article entitled A Bouquet of Lovers.

In 1999, she was allegedly asked by the editor of the Oxford English Dictionary to provide a definition, reports the Dictionary.

At the time, the wordsmith defined polyamory as: ‘The practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved.’

Is polyamory just for people who are obsessed with sex?

In much the same way as many other relationships, polyamory encompasses more than just the physical. A healthy relationship – be it monogamous or poly – requires trust, communication, consent and respect.

Pfeuffer has been in two dozen or so non-monogamous and polyamorous relationships and has previously said that while being ‘poly’ requires openness, ‘it’s not a free-for-all f*ckfest’.

‘For me, it’s about cultivating meaningful, ongoing relationships with the potential for falling in love,’ she told Glamour in 2018.

‘Polyamory requires a huge amount of emotional vulnerability to figure out who I am and what I want from different relationships,’ she explains to us.

‘Ditto for communication and Google calendar skills. My relationships ebb and flow, and there’s a safe space to renegotiate relationships agreements to ensure that everyone’s needs are met.’

Polyamory isn’t for everyone; ditto for monogamy

Pfeuffer states that there no one, universally right way to do polyamory.

Does polyamory require set rules?

The boundaries of all polyamorous relationships can be different, like they are in other types of unions.

Dedeker Winston, co-host of the Multiamory podcast and author of The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory, currently has two partners who she’s been in relationship with for seven and four years, respectively.

‘I haven’t had any kind of “rule setting” conversation with either of my partners,’ says Winston. ‘But we have, over the course of the relationship, figured out mutual best practices that make sense.’

Practices include communicating honestly, being proactive in talking about sexual health and having regular relationship check-ins to make sure everyone is feeling fulfilled.

‘I like to turn more towards figuring out my personal boundaries and coming up with best practices with each partner,’ Winston, who is also a relationship coach, continues. ‘In my work with clients, I see restrictive rules often fail miserably as many people find themselves agreeing to rules that they can’t abide by once they are actually exploring multiple relationships.’

She argues that this often leads to rules-lawyering or finding loopholes, and Winston says that polyamory can be complex depending on the personalities and rules that may be involved. Jealousy still exists, but Winston believes the good outweighs the bad.

‘I can say hands down that I’ve experienced more joy, trust, compassion, growth, and moments of tenderness than I ever did in monogamous relationships in my past,’ she notes.

Which celebrities have been in polyamorous relationships?

Actress Bella Thorne, activist Bethany Meyers, her husband actor Nico Tortorella, and writer Jessamyn Stanley have previously identified as polyamorous.

In a saved Instagram Story last year, Stanley wrote: ‘Polyamory gets confused with wanting to have sex or needing to have sex with a lot of different people, which is really not what it’s about.’

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith have previously commented on the openness involved in their relationship, but have not specifically identified as being polyamorous.

In 2013, Jada Pinkett-Smith told HuffPost Live that her husband ‘is his own man’ and ‘can do whatever’ he wants.

After receiving backlash for her comments, the actress addressed her thoughts on Facebook that year, writing: ‘Do we believe loving someone means owning them? Do we believe that ownership is the reason someone should “behave”?’

‘Will and I BOTH can do WHATEVER we want, because we TRUST each other to do so [sic],’ Pinkett Smith continued, referring to her relationship as a ‘grown’ one as opposed to ‘open relationship’.

This content is imported from Facebook. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

What TV series and films show polyamorous relationships?

Louis Theroux’s Altered States: Love Without Limits might be the most famous exploration of the subject on television to date.

A description of the 2018 BBC Two programme online reads: ‘[Theroux] discovers that for many, more partners means more love and more happiness.’

Spike Lee’s 1986 film She’s Gotta Have It and the 2018 BBC drama Wanderlust also reference the relationship type (both available to watch on Netflix).

Pfeuffer notes that shows like You Me Her, Unicornland, the fourth season of House of Cards, and Cartoon Network’s series Steven Universe (which broke ground for LGBTQ+ visibility in children’s shows) explore what life is like beyond traditional monogamy well.

‘There are hundreds of relationship variations within polyamory, yet media narratives tend to drive some recurring stereotypes,’ Winston tells ELLE UK.

Is polyamory only for couples adding a third party?

Dedeker explains that people often make the assumption that polyamory is something that couples do, rather than something that individuals do.

‘This means that many people assume that one of my two partners is the “real” partner, and my other partner must just be for fun,’ she says.

Recalling her own experience of the misunderstanding of polyamory, she adds: ‘Someone even went so far as to ask me, “If one of your partners had to die, which one would you choose?”

‘That kind of disgusting questioning is something we would never ask someone of their children, their parents, their siblings, friends, etc. But our monogamy-dominant cultural narratives lead many people to believe that you can only really care about one person romantically.’

Is polyamory the same as an open relationship?

Not necessarily, although both are considered non-monogamous.

According to the Handbook of the Sociology of Sexualities, an open relationship is typically defined as having sexual intercourse with others (other than one’s partner/spouse) but that those sexual encounters don’t develop into relationships. Meanwhile, polyamory involves having multiple relationships. Love and emotional connections are the driving forces in the latter.

In 2018, Renee Divine, L.M.F.T., a sex and relationships therapist in Minneapolis, clarified the difference to Women’s Health, noting: ‘An open relationship is one where one or both partners have a desire for sexual relationships outside of each other, and polyamory is about having intimate, loving relationships with multiple people.’

What’s the difference between polyamory and polygamy?

Technically, polyamory means multiple loves and polygamy means multiple spouses.

Dr Sheff explaine: ‘Polygamy is almost universally heterosexual, and only one person has multiple spouses of a different gender. The most common form of polygamy by far is polygyny, a marriage in which one man marries multiple women.’

This is most commonly found in the Mormon fundamentalist community.

The Channel 4 2017 documentary Three Wives, One Husband introduces viewers to Enoch Foster of the Rockland Range – a remote community of committed polygamists in Utah. At the time, the show explored how Foster had fathered 16 children with his two wives, who ‘took turns’ getting pregnant, and how he was beginning to court the family’s nanny.

Polyamory means multiple loves and polygamy means multiple spouses

‘Polygamy has been around ever since people created marriage,’ noted Dr Sheff. ‘Notable men like Abraham, Jacob, David, and Solomon from the Torah/Old Testament had multiple wives and did a lot of begetting with them all.’

Do polyamorists have their own pride flag?

Yes. In 2014, the first poly pride flag is believed to have been created by a man known as Jim Evans, with three horizontal coloured strips – blue, red and black.

Though widely unwritten about, the polyamory pride flag is available to buy on the UK Flag Shop.

What is a ‘polyactivist’?

Polyamory is not a legally protected status, like being heterosexual or homosexual is.

Several individuals have stated that you can lose your job for being polyamorous and courts can use it against you in child custody proceedings.

‘Being polyamorous in particular, or otherwise consensually non-monogamous, is not a protected status,’ polyamorist writer Amy Gahran told Insider last year.

‘It is something you can get fired for. It is something that can jeopardise child custody arrangements, it can complicate divorce proceedings, it can complicate people’s ability to get access to jobs or education.’

Polyactivists are trying to change this, explained Dr Sheff.

‘In an attempt to document the discrimination against people in consensually non-monogamous (or kinky) relationships, the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom has initiated the Narrative Project,’ she noted.

The coalition collects self-reported stories of discrimination (and consent violations) that have affected people in polyamorous, open, and other CNM relationships.

Is polyamory a sexual orientation?

Polyamory is not currently recognised as a sexual orientation, and some polyamorists wouldn’t consider it as such.

But Ann Tweedy, a professor at the Hamline University School of Law, argued in the 2011 University of Cincinnati Law Review that polyamory fits the legal definition of a sexual orientation.

Given that polyamory is a sexual orientation for some, Tweedy believes it should be protected under employment discrimination statues, which she feels currently rely on a narrow interpretation of sexual orientation incongruent with the sex and gender diversity of modern society.

‘Polyamory appears to be at least moderately embedded as an identity,’ Tweedy wrote. ‘Because polyamorists face considerable discrimination, and because non-monogamy is an organising principle of inequality in [many Western’] cultures.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

What it’s like to be sharing a polyamorous home during lockdown

Love in the time of coronavirus is tough enough for two. Adding a third or fourth romantic partner to the quarantine equation only makes life more complicated.

by Abby Moss

Quarantine is putting a lot of strain on people in relationships. For long-term couples, being trapped under the same roof 24/7 is inevitably going to cause friction. And while people might have entered lockdown expecting daytime sex and boozy lunches, many have ended up with arguments over whose turn it is to go queue at the supermarket. Divorce rates went through the roof in China post lockdown, and there’s no reason to expect things will be any different in the UK. For people in the early days of a relationship, it’s even tougher. There’s only so much phone sex you can have before things start to go stale.

For people in polyamorous relationships these complications are multiplied, and quarantine has forced some tough decisions. Some polyamorous people have been forced to choose one (or more than one) partner over others, while others have taken the choice to quarantine together. Polyamorous relationships aren’t exactly mainstream, and polyamorous individuals are more likely to reject traditional labels for their sexualities. However, the concept of exploring sex and relationships outside of monogamy is certainly on the rise. Five percent of people in relationships report practicing some form of consensual non-monogamy and dating app Feeld — dubbed ‘Tinder for threesomes’ — is reportedly thriving.

Billy Procida is the host of The Manwhore Podcast and has been in his current polyamorous relationship for 10 months. Billy lives in Brooklyn but is currently quarantined in Jersey City with his girlfriend Megan and Megan’s partner Kyle. “I figured if I’m going to be stuck somewhere, I’d rather be stuck with someone I love,” Billy tells me over the phone. Their quarantine started out on a trial basis when Billy happened to be in the area after a comedy gig, before a full lockdown was announced. Billy explains that they wanted to test the waters first and make sure the arrangement worked for everyone. The longest amount of time he and Megan had spent together prior to lockdown was on a five-day road trip. Luckily, they realised the set up was going to work out, and they’re now over a month into being quarantined together.

“People think it’s a 24-hour fuck fest, but, I don’t know, something about a global pandemic being mishandled by the most powerful world leaders… yeah, that doesn’t make me feel so horny.”

Unlike some poly couples, Billy, Megan and Kyle are not all in a relationship together, but rather in a “V formation”, in other words, Billy and Kyle are not in a relationship with each other. I wanted to know if this caused any animosity between them. “Not at all,” says Billy instantly. “The only beef he’s had with me is ‘cause I’m kind of messy. Or he might be like ‘Billy can you crack a window if you’re gonna smoke weed in here?’” The dynamic isn’t all that different to being in a house share.

Billy doesn’t feel that his quarantine experience is all that different from that of monogamous couples. “I mean, we’re all still sitting around here in our sweatpants watching Netflix,“ he explains. “People think it’s a 24-hour fuck fest, but, I don’t know, something about a global pandemic being mishandled by the most powerful world leaders… yeah, that doesn’t make me feel so horny.” Quarantine has, however, helped him think up new ways of showing affection and expressing his feelings. “I’m naturally quite romantic,” he says. “I’ve had to think of new ways to be romantic, which in quarantine might just be something small like making her a cup of matcha tea for when she wakes up. Or perhaps an act of love could just be giving Megan some time and space to be by herself.”

Claire (not her real name) has been married for three years. When full lockdown was announced, Claire, her husband, and their girlfriend of six months chose not to quarantine together. “We did discuss it, but we all decided it was too soon to be doing that, that it would put too much pressure on the relationship,” she explained. “But now that we’ve been apart for a few weeks it’s made us realise how much we all mean to each other. We’re all really missing each other and it’s been tough.” They have been regularly catching up on FaceTime and having virtual date nights, but Claire is worried for the future of the relationship. “I really feel for anyone in a new relationship right now,” she says. “Ours is no different, it’s still got that new relationship feeling, we’re still excited by one another, and trying to keep that spark going while we’re physically separated is hard.”

For Daniel Saynt — founder of New York sex club NSFW — the quarantine has left him and his relationships in limbo. Daniel was on vacation with one of his partners when the full lockdown was announced and the pair are now stuck on St Maarten. “I feel like I’m in some kind of limbo,” Daniel explains over email. “Like I’m in poly purgatory. I’m very happy to be with one of my partners, but I am severely missing my other partners and hope I can see them again before the connection diminishes.” Being with just one partner for an extended period isn’t something Daniel is used to. I wanted to know what quarantine had taught him about relationships, connection, and intimacy. “Being forced to be ‘monogamish’ has been a lesson for me,“ he says. I know I’m capable of being with one person, but it’s not what I want. And not getting what I want has taught me a lot about patience, acceptance, and how I love. I’m still very much in lust and love with the partner who is with me, but it’s a relationship based on restrictions out of our control. Will we still feel this way once the world becomes available to us?”

In the weeks and months to come the world will begin to return to normal. Once going on Tinder dates and meeting matches from Feeld becomes a possibility, how many relationships, (monogamous or poly) will survive? “We keep joking that if we can survive this, they’ll be no breaking us up,” says Claire. “We’ll be the toughest triad going. But for now, we’re just taking it day by day, just like the rest of the world.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Being in an open relationship isn’t the same as being polyamorous.

A sex researcher explains the difference.

There isn’t just one way to do non-monogamy.

By Julia Naftulin

If you’ve never been in a non-monogamous relationship or aren’t close to someone who is, chances are the words “open relationship” or “polyamory” conjure up the same images of people who have sex with multiple partners.

In reality, consensually non-monogamous relationships can take on many different forms, and some don’t even involve sex. The three main types are polyamory, open relationships, and swinging.

“All of these variations of consensual non-monogamy are valid,” Amy Moors, a researcher at Chapman University who studies consensual non-monogamy, told Insider.

They’re also not all the same, even though they’re often mixed up or used interchangeably. Knowing the difference is important to help destigamtize the arrangements, which some people may assume just involve sleeping around when they’re really about making choices that that enhance people’s sexual and romantic lives.

The differences are especially important to understand if you’re considering such an arrangement yourself. After all, how awkward would it be if you think you’re getting no-strings-attached sex but the other party wants an emotional relationship only?

Here’s what sets polyamory, open relationships, and swinging apart. 

Polyamory involves having multiple romantic relationships

Since consensual non-monogamy defies the idea that one type of relationship works best for everyone, these terms may hold different meaning to different people. Generally speaking though, people in polyamorous relationships have multiple romantic partners they date and their connection goes beyond the physical. Quite literally, polyamory means “multiple loves.”

Actress Bella Thorne, for example, shared that she previously dated YouTube star Tana Mongeau and rapper Mod Sun at the same time.

According to Moors, polyamorous people could have a primary partner they live with or have kids with, as well as other secondary partners with whom they share an emotional connection, go on dates, and have sex.

Other polyamorous people might not have a primary partner though and try to more equally share the time they spend with their two, three, or however many partners they have.

In other cases, polyamory could mean a person and their two or more partners all date each other, but that isn’t always the case.

Open relationships tend to be more about sexual relationships

In some cases, a monogamous couple may choose to “open” their relationship after being sexually exclusive for some time.

When it comes to open relationships, people in them tend to explore sex with others outside of their relationship but reserve emotional and romantic connections for their primary partner.

“Open relationships are more likely to have a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ rule,” than polyamorous relationships, Terri Conley, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Michigan who focuses on sexual behavior and socialization, told Refinery29.

In some cases, a monogamous couple may choose to “open” their relationship after being sexually exclusive for some time so they are free to explore sex with others.

Swinging also involves sex outside of your primary relationship

Swinging, like an open relationship, involves partners having physical intimacy with someone who isn’t their spouse or primary partner, but often includes the primary partner too.

An example of swinging includes having a threesome, where you and your primary partner agree to have a sexual experience with a third person who isn’t romantically involved.

Other times, swinging looks like swapping spouses with another couple for a sexual experience outside of your primary relationship.

Moors said these arrangements can be referred to as “monogamish” because “while the couple may be having threesomes, they really still like that title of monogamy.”

All of these arrangements are fine ways to explore consensual non-monogamy, so long as they involve constant and honest communication among all of the people involved in the arrangement, Moors said.

Whether monogamous, monogamish, or non-monogamous, “people can have very healthy and fulfilling relationships and it’s likely a byproduct of the fact that they’ve agreed on the terms of their relationship and what’s making them happy, whether it’s to remain exclusive or non-exclusive,” Moors said.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

What does a healthy open relationship look like?

In a culture that favors monogamy, is it possible for couples to have open relationships that work? Recent research that used a novel framework to explore types of monogamy and nonmonogamy suggests that open, consensual nonmonogamous relationships can be healthy and satisfying.

New research delves into the conditions that make open relationships happy and healthy.

by Catharine Paddock, Ph.D.

The new study does not draw sweeping conclusions about successful open relationships. Instead, the findings identify the conditions that can promote healthy consensual nonmonogamous relationships and those that can put them under strain.

These conditions relate to the extent to which there is mutual consent, comfort, and — perhaps most importantly — communication about sex with other people.

A recent paper in The Journal of Sex Research gives a full account of the study and its findings.

“We know that communication is helpful to all couples,” says senior study author Ronald D. Rogge, Ph.D., an associate professor of psychology at the University of Rochester in New York.

“However,” he continues, “[communication] is critical for couples in nonmonogamous relationships as they navigate the extra challenges of maintaining a nontraditional relationship in a monogamy-dominated culture.”

Three dimensions of commitment

A 2016 study suggests that about 1 in 5 individuals in the United States engage in open relationships at some stage of their lives.

Despite this relatively high statistic, a culture that favors monogamy can present a challenge to nonmonogamous couples looking to introduce new sexual partners into the relationship.

Such couples would need, for example, to protect each other from potential feelings of jealousy and judgment from others, note the study authors.

Previous studies in this area have yielded mixed findings. The reason for this could be that the frameworks that they have used to understand nontraditional relationships have tended to focus only on one or two dimensions, for example, monogamous or nonmonogamous.

To probe these inconsistencies and gain fresh insights into the nature of nonmonogamous vs. monogamous relationships, the researchers behind the new study devised a model of commitment that embraces three dimensions: mutual consent, communication, and comfort.

Consent, communication, and comfort

In their study paper, the authors explain why they consider these three conditions — which they refer to as the Triple C model — to be fundamental building blocks of healthy relationships.

Citing other studies, they argue that the conditions describe an “adaptive process that would help to buffer relationships from the adverse effects of enduring vulnerabilities and stressful events across time.”

They define mutual consent as a condition in which both partners agree explicitly the nature of their relationship. For example, is there to be sexual exclusivity? Would this decision also apply to emotional exclusivity? And what types of other sexual partners would be allowable?

The communication dimension covers the ongoing discussion about the relationship and its boundaries. While it is an important cornerstone of any relationship, the researchers argue that communication specifically about sex with other people has a central role in open relationships.

Communication allows, for instance, couples to negotiate rules about sex outside the relationship “while maintaining high levels of respect and consideration toward the feelings of each other,” write the authors.

Comfort, for instance, includes whether partners feel that they have to agree to an open relationship even though they really want it to be monogamous.

A question in connection with comfort would ask how upset the individual would be if they knew that their partner was having sex with other people or how upset their partner might be if it were the other way around. Both partners not being very upset would signify high levels of mutual comfort.

Five types of relationship

For the study, the team analyzed responses from 1,658 people in relationships who completed an online questionnaire that included items within the Triple C Model.

Nearly four out of five of the respondents were white, and about two-thirds were in their 20s and 30s. Nearly 70% described themselves as female, and most said that they were in long term relationships — on average, these had been going for almost 4.5 years.

The researchers arranged the participants into five groups according to the type of relationship that they described. The relationship type of each group is as follows:

  • Monogamous relationship: In the early stage.
  • Monogamous relationship: In the later stage.
  • Consensual nonmonogamous relationship: Neither partner is interested in staying monogamous, and there are high levels of mutual consent, comfort, and communication about sex with other people.
  • Partially open relationship: Mixed views on monogamy and lower levels of mutual consent, comfort, and communication.
  • One-sided relationship: One partner wants monogamy, while the other engages in sex with other people. There is low mutual consent and comfort and hardly any communication about sex outside the relationship.

The findings revealed that monogamous and consensual nonmonogamous groups appeared to have high functioning both in their relationships and as individuals.

In contrast, the partially open and one-sided relationship groups demonstrated lower levels of functioning.

Secrecy about sex with others can be ‘toxic’

There were reports of healthy relationships from both monogamous groups. These groups also featured some of the lowest levels of distress and loneliness.

Both monogamous groups and the consensual nonmonogamous group reported levels of distress and loneliness that were similarly low. In addition, these groups reported high levels of satisfaction relating to their needs, relationship, and sex.

Sexual sensation seeking was lowest in the monogamous groups and highest in the three nonmonogamous groups. Individuals in the nonmonogamous groups were also the most likely to report having a sexually transmitted infection.

Overall, the one-sided group had the highest proportion of people dissatisfied with their relationships. These individuals comprised 60% of the group — nearly three times as high as the proportions in the monogamous and consensual nonmonogamous groups.

The researchers caution that a limitation of their study was that they looked at a snapshot in time. Another study that used the same model but followed people over some time could come to different conclusions.

The bottom line of the findings appears to be that, regardless of the type of open relationship, without mutual consent, comfort, and communication, sex outside the relationship can be felt as betrayal and can put an enormous strain on the couple.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

These 3 Qualities Better Equip You For Nonmonogamy

By Kelly Gonsalves

Open relationships are becoming increasingly popular, and with good reason: They allow people to connect with each other in ways that make sense for their real needs and lifestyles, removing monogamous expectations that don’t work for everybody and allowing for more ways of relating to each other. Even for those who are monogamous to the bone, the rising popularity of consensual nonmonogamy encourages all of us to think about what constitutes a satisfying relationship and then consciously create it from the ground up.

Of course, that doesn’t mean open relationships are right for everyone. A new study published in the Journal of Sex Research, in fact, suggests some couples might be more cut out for it than others are. After surveying 1,658 people in relationships, researchers found about 32% of them identified as being in nonmonogamous relationships. Of these nonmonogamous relationships, some were much more functional, healthy, and stable than others. These were the three qualities that set apart couples handling nonmonogamy well and those that weren’t:

  1. Mutual consent: Both partners agreed to being nonmonogamous, meaning they’d mutually decided they were both OK with each other sleeping with other people. 
  2. Ongoing communication: The partners talked openly and often about their sexual activity with others. That allowed for lots of respect and consideration for each other while pursuing sex elsewhere, and no secrets that could leave one person feeling betrayed or left out.
  3. Comfort: Beyond just consenting to it, both people want nonmonogamy. “If one partner felt coerced into agreeing to a nonmonogamous structure (potentially desiring monogamy but wanting to accommodate their partner’s desires for nonmonogamy) or simply felt less comfortable with a nontraditional relationship structure even after agreeing to it, then ongoing [sex with other people] could very likely lead to hurt feelings and jealousy,” the researchers explain in the paper on their findings.

The catch, of course, is that these three qualities are needed in all relationships⁠—whether nonmonogamous or not.

A monogamous relationship doesn’t work if both people don’t consent to being exclusive (consent), if they can’t talk to each other about their sexual needs (communication), and if both parties aren’t super into monogamy (comfort).

And yes, couples in open relationships are just as happy.

When the researchers compared monogamous couples and nonmonogamous couples who had all three traits, they were equally functioning and healthy. The members of both types of couples felt like their needs were being met, had low levels of both loneliness and psychological distress, and felt satisfied with the relationship. (In comparison, nonmonogamous couples with low levels of some or all three of the above traits were much less healthy, happy, and stable.)

The consensually nonmonogamous couples that did have all three traits were some of the longer relationships among all the couples being studied. The researchers believe this fact suggests that consensual nonmonogamy might even strengthen relationships, “offsetting the natural decay in quality” usually observed in traditional relationships. “Although the partners in these relationships have low interest in monogamy, are highly embracing of casual sex, [and] are actively seeking new sexual partners…they are doing this in a manner that maintains the quality and integrity of their primary relationships,” the researchers write.

So if you’re considering opening up your relationship, you now know exactly what qualities you’ll need to make it work: mutual consent, ongoing communication, and comfort. Here’s how to start up a conversation as a couple when you’re ready.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

How to Propose an Open Relationship

By Malia Wollan

“Don’t bring it up during an argument,” says Terri D. Conley, a professor of psychology at the University of Michigan who studies sexuality. If you’re in a monogamous relationship and want to explore making it nonmonogamous, raise the topic gradually. Conley doesn’t drink, but she thinks these exploratory conversations might benefit from the loosening effects of alcohol. Start hypothetically. For example, ask your partner to name the most attractive famous people. “You could then say, ‘Oh, that person is so hot, if they propositioned you, I’d be fine if you had sex with them,’ ” Conley says. If your partner looks horrified at the suggestion, it doesn’t bode well.

Once you decide to make your case outright, be explicit about what you want, and say it clearly. Listen carefully to what your partner wants. To make what sex researchers call consensual “extradyadic involvement” work, you need to be willing to communicate often and with empathy. Monogamous couples move into nonmonogamy for all kinds of reasons — unmet sexual desire, boredom, illness, curiosity. Open arrangements tend to work best for couples with lower inclinations toward jealousy and, in the case of heterosexual pairs, less rigid gender norms. Just the suggestion of romantic permutation can be stimulating. The psychotherapist Esther Perel has found that when monogamous couples discuss the possibility of nonmonogamy, it often increases sexual desire between them. “You’re asking yourselves, ‘What would our relationship look like if it changed?’ ” Conley says.

If you can afford it, take this negotiation to couples’ therapy. Be sure to choose a provider who is amenable to the notion of open relationships; Conley’s research suggests many are not and that some core psychology theories of attachment, commitment and psychosocial development presume monogamy as the ideal. Since Conley first began publishing academic papers on nonmonogamy more than a decade ago, she has been attacked by other researchers in the field. Their anger confused her. “It was like I shot their dog,” she says. Her methodology wasn’t the problem, she says; it was that she’d dared to suggest that nonmonogamous relationships could be healthy and satisfying.

If both parties appear willing to try an open relationship, give yourselves a trial period. “If your partner is still miserable after two months, it’s probably not going to work,” Conley says. “In which case you need to decide if you’re going to stay with that person and be monogamous or leave.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

The Pros and Cons of Being in a Polyamorous Relationship

by Dr. Jenn Mann

A polyamorous relationship is the practice of having intimate, emotional and sexual relationships with more than one person with the consent of all involved. Polyamorous people may have a commitment to more than one person they are in a relationship with. It can also mean a committed couple has invited a third partner into their relationship, who would be considered secondary to the primary lovers. It is not just about sex, it is also about emotional connection and developing romantic relationships.

Whether you need to worry about your friend entirely depends on the kind of relationship she’s in, and many poly relationships are built on honesty and trust that do make for a healthy expression of love and safe environments in which to explore. Plus, it’s not as rare as you think.

According to a 2016 study published in the journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, it has been estimated that 21 percent of people have had a non-monogamous relationship. In my observation in my own clinical practice, this is becoming more common. For exactly what it’s like to be in a polyamorous relationship, I’ve broken down some pros and cons that tend to come up.

The Pros of Polyamory

On the positive side, people who are in polyamorous relationships have some great tools for their relationship to work well: communication and honesty. Whether or not you choose to be in this type of relationship, we can all benefit from these skills.

Honesty: Most couples who are in non-monogamous relationships tend to be extremely honest and transparent about their feelings and desires, both emotionally and sexually.

Proactive problem-solving: Non-monogamous couples tend to do regular appraisals of their relationship and discuss their observations with one another. If one person feels the relationship is getting boring or stale, these couples tend to process such speed bumps with one another and make a plan of action, rather than allowing things to fester unresolved.

Rules and boundaries: Non-monogamous couples have rules about their relationships, lots of them! They work hard to establish clear guidelines and boundaries in order to make the experience of sharing their love with others emotionally safe for all involved. They know what flirting, conversations, sexual contact, and phone contact is out of bounds and what is acceptable. Too many monogamous couples make assumptions about what is OK and what is not without discussing with their partner.

The Cons

Non-monogamy can have its downsides. Bringing a third (or more) party into your relationship can create a distraction from the emotional connection between the two of you. In my clinical experience, it dilutes the intimacy in a relationship when partners spread themselves thinner. Here’s more on the less-than-optimal conditions polyamory can create.

Jealousy: Eventually, someone has feelings toward someone. I have seen way too many jealousy issues arise and emotional bonds form as a result of what was supposed to be meaningless sex, or a primary partner starts to feel secondary and gets hurt.

No new tricks: Sacrifice creates trust and bonds people to each other. Resisting the normal urge to have sex with other people shows a level of commitment and sacrifice that makes the relationship stronger. Bringing a new person into the mix can prevent you from putting energy and creativity into your sex life and relationship with your partner. You’re no longer working to up your game and figure out new fantasies to explore, techniques to try, and preferences your partner may have that you haven’t yet probed — or worse, you’re doing that with someone else.

The wrong fix: Some couples turn to polyamory for the wrong reasons, thinking bringing a third into their sex life will patch up some different issue entirely. While the addition of others in your relationship may be exciting, it does not solve the longer-term, bigger issue of how to keep things fresh in your relationship and how to become a better lover to your partner.

If you are going to have a polyamorous relationship, make sure that you and your partner clearly define the rules, limits, and boundaries of your arrangement. Communication is of the utmost importance. In situations like this, faithfulness is defined by honoring those commitments and boundaries. Keep your promises, but also leave room to renegotiate, in case either one of you has different reactions than you expected. Understand that both partners must agree to change the terms of a relationship, and consent under pressure does not count as a collaborative agreement. If you think your friend has entered into this unconsciously or without her full consent, then yes that’s cause for concern. If she’s all-in and working to love all members of her relationship fairly while getting a bounty of love (and great sex) in return? She’s probably doing just fine.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

The Most Common Open Relationship Rules

And How to Set Yours

We’ve been inundated with the concept of “the one” throughout our lives. But what if “the one” is really more like a great entrée with some side dishes? Although we’re led to believe that monogamy is the gold standard of relationships, sociologist Dr. Elisabeth “Eli” Sheff says that “polyagomy is far more common across cultures and societies and history than monogamy.”

In fact, thanks in part to the internet and dating apps, open relationships are seemingly on the rise (or perhaps more people feel comfortable openly acknowledging them). According to a 2016 study, one in five Americans has been in a non-monogamous relationship at some point. Plus, age, race, political affiliations and socio-economic status doesn’t seem to affect the likelihood of someone entering an open relationship. However, people who identified as gay, lesbian or bisexual were slightly more likely to have experienced non-monogamy.

As we all know, relationships are work. And when you add in more parties, it gets decidedly more complicated, and you might discover that sometimes more isn’t merrier. So if you’re considering starting an open relationship, you’ll need to weigh your wants and needs, consider your partner’s and establish some guidelines beforehand. But first things first…

What exactly is an open relationship?

“Open relationships fall under the umbrella of consensual non-monogamous relationships and generally, but not always, tend to focus on sexual activities over emotional with other partners,“ explains clinical psychologist Dr. Catalina Lawsin. “Under this larger umbrella there are many types of consensual non-monogamous relationships, some of which include: polyamory (where partners support one another having both emotional and sexual relationships with other partners with the understanding that love can take many forms and individuals can love more than one person at a time), monogamish (similar to open, but restricted only to sexual activity with other partners), swinging (exploring sexual activities together at social events and meetups with other couples), and relationship anarchy (there are no set rules but instead the relationship is flexible to the needs of each partner).”

She also emphasizes that open relationships are not like affairs, a common misconception. “It’s quite the opposite,” she says. “The core ingredient of an affair is the secrecy of it. In open relationships partners are open in their sexual activity with others and supportive of it.”

Is an open relationship right for you and your partner?

First, for an open relationship to work, both partners need to enter it willingly, not begrudgingly. If a person acquiesces to an open relationship, perhaps out of fear of losing their partner, it’s “a disaster because open relationships are challenging, even if everyone wants to be in them. Relationships in general are challenging. If it’s a non-monogamous relationship, and someone has been pressured or bullied into it, or has given in because they feel the person will leave them if they don’t, then that builds up resentment,” Dr. Sheff says,author of The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple-Partner Relationships and Families. “And then when something happens, [for example] someone accidentally gets pregnant, someone gets a sexually transmitted infection, then that just blows up.”

Also, it’s not a strategy to fix turbulent relationships, Dr. Lawsin cautions. “On the contrary, consensual non-monogamous relationships rely on trust and require a healthy stable relationship that is mutually supportive to succeed. All relationships require negotiation, and bringing in additional partners to a relationship often requires more negotiation, communication and planning.”

To start, figure out why you want an open relationship. “People should think deeply about their motivations,” says Dr. Sheff. Do you want multiple partners, but recoil at the thought of your partner being with other people? Are you simply looking for an excuse to hook up with other people? Or a way not to fully commit? “It’s not reasonable to expect a partner to be sexually exclusive with you, while you have sex with anybody that you want,” she adds. “Sometimes couples can work out a poly-mono relationship, but in my experience, as a relationship coach and in my research, I have seen that that hardly ever works…Usually people who want a monogamous relationship want their partners to be monogamous with them.” So make sure you and your partner are on the same page.

Next, consider how well you communicate and handle conflict as a couple, which are key ingredients for relationship success, especially in non-monogamous ones. “Because conflict will inevitably arise in any relationship. And if you add additional people into it, the potential for conflict dramatically increases,” Dr. Sheff says. “So if people don’t know how to handle conflict and then they enter a potentially incredibly sticky situation like non-monogamy, that could definitely blow up in their faces.”

Psychotherapist Dr. Kristie Overstreet also suggests working with a certified sex therapist if you need help navigating the possibility of an open relationship. And if your gut is saying “yes yes yes” or “oh God, no no no,” listen to it.
What type of open relationship works for you?

The type of relationship that’s best for you and your partner really depends on what you’re seeking. Dr. Overstreet says that “both partners in the couple need to decide if they are open to emotional, physical or both aspects for an open relationship.”

Dr. Sheff breaks it down like this: “Are you both wanting sexual variety with no strings attached? Then swinging is good for that. Are you wanting more emotional intimacy? Then polyamory is better for that. Do you want no rules and for each relationship to be taken on its own individual independence? Then consider relationship anarchy.”

People who practice relationship anarchy choose to be together out of desire rather than obligation, Dr. Sheff explains. “They are not necessarily on this ‘relationship escalator,’ where there’s one way to have a relationship with increasing exclusivity and commitment until you’re married, with sex only happening with that one partner. Relationship anarchists are not down with that at all.”

The rules of an open relationship

While no two relationships are alike, there are some general guidelines to consider when trying to establish a healthy open relationship. Dr. Lawsin offers the following checklist, adding that any rules or boundaries should be discussed, negotiated and reassessed occasionally throughout the relationship and adjusted as needed.

1. Negotiate your sexual boundaries

Boundaries regarding sex should be explicitly negotiated, such as how often sex can occur (e.g., weekly, monthly, etc.), with how many partners at a time, where (e.g., on business trips) and whatever additional physical or logistical (e.g., time) dimensions a couple wishes to define in their relationship. This includes the type of sex as well. For example, is penetrative sex OK or just oral? What about BDSM? Also, do you prefer your partner to only have sex with strangers who they will never see again or rather with someone you already know and trust. Yes, it might get weirdly specific, but you’ll want to figure this stuff out before you open the flood gates.

2. Define your emotional boundaries

Emotional boundaries can be harder to define and set, but they should definitely be discussed, with each partner being honest about what they can manage for themselves and their partner.

3. Safe sex is a must

When you transition your relationship from exclusive to open, you might be super excited to get started with your new ventures, but don’t let all those safe sex practices fly out the window. Discuss with your partner what you’re both comfortable with and how you’ll actually practice safe sex IRL.

4. Be honest

Open relationships relinquish partners from needing to hide or suppress their sexual needs, therefore honesty about what they’re doing should be maintained. Couples need to specify how many details the other wants to know (if any at all) as well as how often. This should be reassessed as needed (and this also applies to #3).

5. Schedule check-ins with your partner

Transparency about how each partner is feeling about the other’s sexual pursuits should also be negotiated and checked on. Partners can make assumptions in any type of relationship, so it’s important to have check-ins with one another to provide a safe space to process emotions, make any adjustments to negotiated boundaries and assess the health of the primary relationship.

6. Don’t forget your about your relationship

Schedule time and space to nurture the relationship and make sure to maintain this. Date nights, trips away and expressing love need to be prioritized to maintain the relationship foundation. Dr. Sheff agrees, saying that it’s easy for one partner to get distracted with a shiny new, exciting relationship and forget to pay attention to the longer-term relationship. “Don’t just save all the fun juju for the new relationship,” she adds.

What about jealousy?

You’re gonna get jealous. It’s inevitable. So, Dr. Sheff says, people “should anticipate it and start building skills around dealing with it before they even engage in open relationships.” And if you do get jealous that doesn’t mean you have to give up on the idea of an open relationship altogether. Rather, you need to face the jealousy head on and figure out why you feel that way, perhaps because you’re feeling insecure or threatened by your partner’s new relationship. Dr. Sheff says that this is a good time for your partner to reassure you (or for you to validate your partner) by saying, “I love you. It’s OK. I’m not leaving you and here are all the reasons why I love you.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!