Category: Golden Showers

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Kinks and fetishes you need to know about, from A to Z

Because pleasure = self-care.

By Mollie Quirk

An A to Z of kinks and fetishes probably isn’t something you knew you needed, but it’s time to up your sex-ed game because let’s be honest, sex – whether solo or with a partner – and self-care go hand-in-hand. Pleasure is wellness, people. And there could be a whole realm of untapped pleasure here you never knew existed.

So, we’ve compiled a list of 26 kinks from A to Z, from bondage to role play. Please remember that kinks are supposed to be fun, and if at any point they stop being fun – you can stop at ANY time.

A is for Age Play

Many people get turned on when roleplaying, and even more so when they’re acting younger or older than they are. This kink could start off by calling your partner ‘daddy’ in bed, or maybe you’re getting called ‘baby’ – but it doesn’t stop there. The daddy/baby name-calling is just an example of light age play, but if the switch is flipped and all of a sudden one of you is acting like a baby, sucking on a dummy and crawling around in a nappy, then it’s safe to say that you’ve crossed to the extreme side of age play.

B is for Bondage

Some people get off when they’re restrained – whether that be in handcuffs or with ropes. Bondage falls under the BDSM umbrella term that means ‘bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism’. Some people enjoy being dominant (i.e. tying other people up) and some enjoy the more submissive side (i.e. being tied up). 

Bondage is the most well-known kink (thanks Fifty Shades of Grey) and uses sex toys like handcuffs, paddles, whips, shackle mounts, candle wax, chains, ropes and suspension bars.

Expensive toys aren’t always needed, and trading handcuffs for a tie can be a good alternative.

C is for Cuckolding

Cuckolding is usually when a heterosexual couple agree for the woman to sleep with another man/men. Her partner doesn’t need to be in the room – he just needs to get turned on by the thought of his partner having sex with somebody else. But, some men do like being in the room while watching their partner sleeping with another man. Although its traditionally considered to be a heterosexual kink, people of all genders and sexual orientations can partake.

D is for Dogging

Dogging is a British slang term for having sex in public, or watching others do so. It’s become an increasingly popular kink, and is similar to voyeurism and exhibitionism.

Usually two sets of people are involved (sometimes more) and they set up a meet or meet randomly, before watching the other couple have sex and vice versa. This kink doesn’t come without risks though, because in Great Britain, dogging comes under laws related to voyeurism, exhibitionism, or public displays of sexual behaviour. Prosecution is possible for a number of offences, and this means that public places in some areas of the UK sit in a grey area, legally speaking.

E is for Electrostimulation

Some people get turned on by getting electrocuted, and this kink is called electrostimulation. This involves using small electric shocks in the bedroom (or wherever you’re having sex with your partner). Getting electrocuted can be dangerous, which is why most people who partake in this kink are into another type called ‘edge play’.

F is for Foot Fetishism

You’ve definitely heard of this one. Foot fetishes are one of the most common fetishes out there, just take Jake from Love Island 2021 and his very public foot fetish.

A foot fetish is when somebody gets turned on by, yep you guessed it, other people’s feet. They will most likely want to touch them, hold them, lick them, kiss them, and sometimes they might even want to suck that person’s toes. People with foot fetishes also engage in foot worship, which leads into another kink – humiliation. Sometimes the fetishist might want their partner’s feet in their mouth, they might want to be trodden on, kicked or walked on.

G is for Gagging

Some people like be gagged and choked while having sex, and this kink has recently seen a huge surge in popularity. Gagging can refer to lightly choking on an object (like a penis) or being choked slightly by the hand of your partner.

Another form of gagging is using a ball gag to gag somebody so they can no longer speak. This will either seem like your worst nightmare or your hottest sexual fantasy. Remember that if any form of gagging becomes uncomfortable at any stage – stop immediately. Having a safe word or signal is recommended, so that your partner knows if you’re withdrawing consent.

H is for Humiliation

This isn’t everybody’s cup of tea, but some people do get a kick out of being humiliated (or doing the humiliation). If you like being called names like ‘bitch’, ‘slut’, or ‘whore’ in bed, then you probably have a kink for being humiliated. But if you like doing the name-calling, then you probably have more a dominant side and enjoy humiliating others.

I is for Impact Play

Considered a form of BDSM, impact play is generally where one person is struck by their sexual partner for the pleasure of one or both parties. Some people enjoy being whipped with a ‘stingy’ whip, while others might prefer a ‘thud’ from a paddle.

J is for JOE / JOI

A popular kink without many even realising it, Jerk Off Encouragement or Jerk Off Instruction, is when you’re instructed to masturbate for your sexual partner. Some people might enjoy instructing another party to masturbate for them, while others might enjoy being told what to do. Either way, it’s an exciting way to spice things up in the bedroom.

K is for Klismaphilia

In Greek, Klismaphilia means “arousal by enemas.” If you’re unsure what an enema is, it’s similar to a colonic irrigation. Basically, an enema is when you get warm water squirted into your bum.

Enemas are most commonly carried out by hospitals prior to medical procedures, but some people get turned on by having an enema (or giving one to somebody else). Most people will use enemas as a way to prepare the anus for anal sex, so it’s handy that you enjoy it if you like anal.

L is for Lactophilia

More common in heterosexual couplings, Lactophilia refers to when a male gets turned on by seeing a woman lactate – commonly known as producing breast milk. Lactophiliacs enjoy seeing women produce breast milk, as well as sucking on breasts and having sex with women who are producing milk.

M is for Medical fetish

Some people get turned on by doctors, nurses, dentists and pretty much anybody else in the medical profession. People with this kind of fetish might enjoy seeing their partner dressed up in a white coat, or they might enjoy medical role play. 

N is for Nylons

Also known as pantyhose addiction, those who love ladies (or men) wearing nylons tend to get sexual stimulation, gratification and arousal from their partners wearing tights. They might also love the process of putting them on, or taking them off. It is thought that those with nylon kinks prefer tights over stockings, because tights have direct contact with genitals.

This kink directly related to another very similar fetish – used underwear. Thanks to the internet, it’s now easier than ever to buy used under garments like tights, stockings, socks, knickers and bras. Sellers tend to sell the garment for a price that is decided on by the amount of times it has been worn.

O is for Orgasm Denial

Another kink that lives under the umbrella of BDSM, orgasm denial is where one partner brings the other right to the brink of orgasm and then stops – also known as edging, peaking, or surfing.

This sexual technique is when your orgasm is controlled by your sexual partner or yourself. This kink is both harsh and extremely rewarding because you’re getting built up and brought down, something that can continue for quite some time, before then being allowed to orgasm. Many women (and men) report that this is the ultimate way to reach an orgasm because it becomes more intense than ever before. It’s the perfect blend of being punished before getting given a reward. 

P is for Penis Humiliation

This kink involves insulting a man’s penis. Usually the man will enjoy having the size, appearance and performance of his penis mocked and laughed at. This is another kink that falls under the BDSM umbrella term.

Q is for Queening

Queening is when a woman sits on her partner’s face for oral sex involving both your genitals and anus. The woman will position herself in a straddling position, while her partner (either male or female) will pleasure her orally. Some people have extreme queening kinks, meaning they prefer this kind of sex over the traditional kind.

R is for Role-play

Role-play is a very common sexual kink. It basically refers to when when people act out roles or storylines in order to turn each other on. It can crossover into many other kinks like medical fetishes or age-play, and can be a brilliant way of injecting some spice into your sex life. Role-playing can come with costumes and props, or can be as simple as sexting, dirty talk, or thinking out an elaborate story to draw out the sexual act.

S is for Sensory deprivation

Sensory deprivation is when one sexual partner removes stimulation and/or senses from the other. This means that the other sensations become more powerful, intense and extreme. An example of this would be a person wearing blindfold and earplugs, while concentrating on the what they can feel e.g. touch.

T is for Taphephilia

This kink is very obscure and incredibly risky. Some people get aroused by being buried alive. Similar to claustrophilia, arousal from confined spaces, this kink is best undertaken on a fantasy basis and with a sexual partner you trust. The real thing is super dangerous and not recommended.

U is for Urophilia

More commonly known as golden showers, urophilia is when you urinate on somebody. This can be done on their face, on their body, in their mouth, in their vagina or on any other sexual organs. It’s usually done as part of domination or humiliation, so is another kink that falls within the realms of BDSM.

V is for Vincilagnia

This term refers to being sexually aroused by bondage, and more specifically being tied up or tying your sexual partner up. Remember that all parties involved must give ongoing consent, as with any of the kinks listed in this A–Z.

W is for WAM

Wet and messy fetish (WAM), also known sploshing, is a sexual fetish that involves people becoming sexually aroused by wet and messy substances being applied to naked skin – whether it be their own, or their sexual partner’s. Some people like to be covered in wet, messy or sticky substances, while some people enjoy watching others get drenched. WAM can included getting pelted with cream pies (or shaving foam), slime, cakes, food, custard or other liquids.

X is for Wax play

Okay, it doesn’t technically start with an ‘X’ but we had to include it! Some people enjoy hot wax being poured over their bodies as a part of temperature play. Luckily, general candle wax doesn’t need to be used (and isn’t advised either) because purpose-made candles have been created, specifically for wax play. There are candles that exist to burn at a specific temperature to ensure you won’t get burnt (or burn your partner). Not only does the temperature play feel great, but as the candle burns, the wax turns into massage oil.

Y is for Yiffing

Yiffing is when people dress up in furry costumes to grope, fondle and hump each other. Usually no sex act is undertaken, and most of the time yiffing is done in a group setting. 

Z is for Zelophilia

Cuckolding often coincides with an element of zelophilia, which is arousal and pleasure from jealousy – whether it be your own jealousy towards a lover, or their jealousy of you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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6 Kinky Dating Apps to Download If BDSM Is Your Thing

Because being sexually adventurous = totally healthy and normal.

By Anni Irish

A kink is broadly defined as an act or desire that falls outside of the widely accepted normative ideas of vanilla sexual practices—everything from choking, to BDSM (bondage/discipline, dominate/submissive, sadomasochism/masochism), to cuckolding, foot fetishes, water sports, bondage, and more.

And as you can see, there are tonnns of elements that fall within its sexual realm.

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But even though nearly 61 percent of Cosmo readers say they’ve dabbled in some form of BDSM play, there still remains some societal stigma and shame for wanting to be adventurous in and out of the bedroom.

This is exactly what we don’t want, fam. Because being sexually adventurous (in whatever way that means to you) is completely healthy and normal. In fact, it’s highly encouraged in an effort to prioritize your pleasure and what feels good to you.

So if you’re looking to expand your sexual taste—or just see what is out there— sometimes turning to a dating app is the best and easiest way to explore. And whether you’re just looking to spice up your online dating game or you’re fully a master in BDSM practices already, here are six kinky apps to help jump-start your experience.

Just remember, in all forms of sexual contact (kink or vanilla), consent it is always mandatory. Like engaging in any new sexual experience, communicating your boundaries and hard limits prior to beginning is a must.

1. FetLife

When it comes to exploring BDSM and kink in general, FetLife is the go-to for these kinds of activities. (The Canadian-based company literally describes itself as being like “Facebook but run by kinksters.”)

Similarly to other social media platforms, users can create profiles, interact and “Friend” other members, post pics, vids, status updates, and join more specific groups based on sexual interests and kinks. Trust me when I say the free website really allows you to cater your kink experience and find exactly what you want—whatever that may be.

Download here

2. Kinkoo

If you’re looking for a dating app more fetish-specific (think: feet, voyeurism, exhibitionism, etc.), Kinkoo may be the best one for you. In your profile, you can indicate what you’re looking for and how you’d describe yourself, like, say, if you are more of a submissive or dominant. Match with people all around the world for free or upgrade to the VIP membership for $16 per month.

Download here

3. Whiplr

Okay, so the app is pretty clever—I mean, its name doesn’t exactly disguise what the app is intended for, lol. But once you sign up, users are free to choose from a list of over 230 kinks (230!) to add to their profile. The free app also features a chat, video, and call component, similarly to what you may experience on a more mainstream dating app. Use it to find a virtual playmate or to chat it up with other kinksters across the globe.

Download here

4. Kink D

Another app geared toward the fetish community, Kink D is a super sex-positive space for those looking to explore. Whether you’re into BDSM, foot fetishes, or whatever else, odds are, you’ll find a willing partner here. It’s free to download, has a super user-friendly interface, and can help you connect with singles all over.

Download here

5. Kinki

Kinki prides themselves on being super inclusive, especially for folks apart of the LGBTQ+ community. The app, which costs $12 per month, gives you a range of options to pick from in terms of both fetishes and what you’re looking for (whether it be long-term, short-term, or just a hookup.) It also authenticates people’s accounts, gives you filters to search by location, and allows you to Like photos of people as well.

Unfortunately it’s not in U.S. markets quite yet, so this one’s for all of you outside the states.

Download here

6. Feeld

This platform offers a tonnnn of options for gender identity and sexual orientation. And while Feeld has gotten some buzz primarily for those interested in threesomes, it’s also super friendly to those in polyamorous relationships or looking to explore a more kink-friendly lifestyle. If you’re into just dipping a toe into the BDSM waters, this free app is a great sex-positive place to get started.

Download here

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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4 Tips For Proudly Introducing Kink Into Your Relationship

By Mary Grace Garis

If during this time in quarantine, you’ve done some sexual exploring about what gets you going—great. Maybe you’ve dedicated some self-care sessions to self-pleasure, had some mind-blowing staycation sex, or taken the BDSM test to explore your NSFW interests. And just maybe, all the sexploration has you wanting to learn how to introduce kink into your relationship as well. If what’s stopping you is a sense of feeling overwhelmed or even embarrassed, stop right there: Sex educators agree that kink is a perfectly healthy and safe form of sexual expression and pleasure, and talking about it with a partner is the first step for removing any level of stigma that may surround it so everyone involved can get to the important part of enjoying it.

Of course, the first step is understanding what kink is. Kink can be construed as a wide variety of consensual sex acts that aren’t vanilla, penetrative, heteronormative sexual intercourse. “Kink is anything that falls outside the bounds of culturally defined expectations, which, because of often wildly puritanical societies, could basically be anything that’s not penile-vaginal intercourse,” sexual-health consultant Francisco Ramirez previously told Well+Good. For some examples, it can include a blindfold, getting tied up, spanking, temperature play, choking, and more. Kink also encompasses BDSM—which stands for “bondage,” “dominance” or “discipline,” “sadism” or “submission,” and “masochism”—which usually involves power play with clear dominant and submissive roles, and sometimes might not even directly involve sex play at all.

Below, Caitlin V, MPH, clinical sexologist with sexual-wellness brand Royal, shares four golden rules for how to introduce kink into a relationship.

4 tips for how to introduce kink into a relationship, according to a sexologist.

1. If you’re afraid to bring it up, say so from the outset

Many of us have to unlearn shame around sexuality, and everyone’s barometer for what constitutes “kink” is different. Before bringing up anything to a partner, know that your interests and preferences are valid. V also recommends coming from a place of vulnerability. “Getting it out that you’re feeling vulnerable usually invites your partner into holding a compassionate space for you,” says V.

“Getting it out that you’re feeling vulnerable usually invites your partner into holding a compassionate space for you.” —Caitlin V, MPH, clinical sexologist

She suggests saying something along the lines of, “There’s something I’d like to talk to you about, but it’s hard for me because I’m afraid that maybe you’ll think I’m weird. Do you have some time to talk?” or “Hey, do you have the bandwidth to talk about something? I’ve been hesitant to bring it up because I’m scared, but it’s really important to me.”

2. Be specific about what you’re interested in

Since, as previously mentioned, everyone’s barometer for what constitutes kink is different. That’s why clarity about what you want to you want to introduce into your relationship is so important.

“Once the subject is broached, start small. Give examples, and be willing to explain why you’re interested in something,” says V. “When you use the words ‘kink’ and ‘BDSM,’ many people imagine dungeons and ball gags, which make up a small and very extreme percentage of kinky play.”

3. Use mental imagery as a way of approaching the idea

V suggests prompting specific sex plays with images and speaking in hypotheticals to get the conversation going. An example? “Wouldn’t it be fun for us to play with a little spanking?” The idea of you doing that during sex is so hot! Is that something you’d be open to exploring?” And the conversation can (hopefully) flow from there.

“It helps to have done your research and to come to the conversation with specific examples of what you want and why, as well as what the benefits are to your partner,” V says. “If you can clearly articulate a desire and are able to focus on the potential benefits for both of you and your relationship, you are more likely to be met with enthusiasm.”

4. Be prepared for friction, but don’t get hung up on it

According to V, many great partners will hear out your desires, ask any necessary clarifying questions, and want to make them come true so long as they feel safe doing so. However, not everyone will start with a positive reaction. Be prepared for this, and be willing to forgive your partner if their immediate response comes from a place of shame or judgment.

“Remember that there’s a lot of shame around this subject, and their response will be informed primarily by their culture and their upbringing—not by their best selves—unless they’ve already done some personal work on this,” says V. “If they don’t change their tune, and they continue to judge you for your kinky desires, it might be time to show them the door and find a new partner who can give you an enthusiastic ‘yes’ to exploring.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Here’s How You Can Talk To Your Partner About Your Fetish

by Neeta Karnik

“Tie me up and tell me your dreams.”

We wish it were that easy to tell our partners about our fetishes. But sometimes, the confidence takes a back seat, and we end up breaking in sweats, dismissing the idea of opening up to our partner. Don’t worry; if you have experienced such a moment, it is completely understandable. This is something that does require courage as you are opening up about something that you are vulnerable about. So to help you, here are a few ways that you can talk to your partner about your fetishes.

1. Communicate Your Trust

It is best to tell your partner that you find this topic sensitive, and it has taken a lot of courage to be open about it. You can also tell your partner that you trust them, but there is a small part of you that fears that you will be judged. This way, you are letting them know about your insecurities of being perceived differently, and you are hoping that they will be more mindful of their words.

2. Start Small

While you may have the kinkiest fantasies, you may also want to go slow when it comes to revealing them and see how your partner is accepting the news. Moreover, try not to joke about it to make the situation light. There was a time when I was so nervous about telling my partner about my sex-adventures that I added, “Just kidding!” at the end. This further confused my partner. So it is best to leave the jokes aside and talk about it in a simple manner by revealing your least kinky fantasies first and then breaking the big ones once your partner is in the zone for it.

3. Try Mutual Disclosure

If you are feeling a little overwhelmed, try asking your partner to talk about his/her fantasies so that you can feel comfortable disclosing yours. This way, you will feel more confident in revealing your fetish to your partner. If you want, you both can try writing it down, and then exchanging notes.

Just like all of us experience emotions in our unique way; similarly, our sexual experiences are also unique to us and having a fetish is completely normal. Don’t worry; your partner will be understanding of your desires in bed. Besides, it never hurt anyone to be creative in the bedroom, with consent!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is Kink-Shaming?

(And Why You Should Avoid Doing It)

By Alex Manley

How Kink-Shaming Can Keep People From Feeling Sexually Liberated

You’re hooking up with someone for the first time — or the second, the tenth or the hundredth — and you think you know what to expect, but then they ask if you can try something new. 

Immediately, you’re a little cautious. What if it’s weird? They blush a little bit. “Well, you see, I’ve always wanted to try this thing … but it’s a little kinky…” You gulp as they lean in and whisper the secret desire into your ear. You want to make them happy because you’re not a jerk, but this fetish is way out there, and not at all something you’re used to.

“Gross,” you say. “You’re really into that?” Your hookup buddy looks embarrassed. “Never mind,” they say, grabbing their clothes from the floor. “I should probably get going

What just happened? Well, there’s a name for it: kink-shaming. And even if you don’t think you’re doing it, you probably are.

What Is Kink-Shaming?

“This girl I met on Tinder told me she wanted to try this thing called ‘caking’ — spreading cake batter all over your naked self. I was like, ‘Hmmmm, no.’ Very unsanitary, and I don’t like wasting food.” – Miguel, 28

Kink-shaming is basically exactly that —shaming someone for their sexual desires when they don’t line up with what you think is normal.

“Kink-shaming is when you embarrass someone for their sexual preferences and believe something is wrong with them because of their sexual interests,” says Dr. Janet Brito, a sex therapist based in Hawaii.

This could be about a fetish, a kink, a preference, a history of certain behaviors, or even just an openness or willingness to try something that the other person considers unconventional.

“I would define kink-shaming as the negative judgment and criticism of all sexual contact that isn’t considered vanilla or ‘mainstream,’” says Jor-El Caraballo, a relationship therapist and co-creator of Viva Wellness.

Brito notes that some common targets of kink-shaming include “fetishes that are uncommon, such as titillagnia (arousal to tickling other people) or urophilia (arousal to urine or urinating on others), dressing up as a furry or a desire to be choked or spanked.”

However, there are some that are gender-focused — men, for instance, often kink-shame “their girlfriend’s/wife’s interest in group sex, public sex, threesomes, double penetration, having a rape fantasy, masochist or sadist interestsl,” notes Brito. Or when talking to other men, they might be judgmental toward things like “same-sex attraction, same-sex fantasies, autogynephilia, men attracted to transwomen or non-binary folks.”

This kind of thing can play out in all different ways. It could be as simple as making fun of your friend for a hookup story with an unexpected detail in it, or it could be your long-term significant other trying to make you feel dirty for asking for something new in bed.

While it might not be coming from a place of hurtfulness — it’s as often a sense of surprise or shock rather than outright cruelty — it can still be incredibly demeaning.

How Does Kink-Shaming Negatively Impact People?

“I had a man recoil and tell me he ‘doesn’t do that weird sh*t’ when I placed his hand closer to my neck. It made me feel super uncomfortable for the rest of that interaction.” – Maria, 29

“Kink-shaming really only serves to make people live in silence and fear of judgment,” says Caraballo. “It creates negative internal emotional consequences, leaving the receiver to question the validity of their own desires. This could exacerbate any lingering questions of self-worth, depression or anxiety that the receiver already has about their sexuality and identity. It can negatively impact their ability to have and enjoy sex, and might kill desire altogether.”

It can also have a serious impact on a person’s mental and emotional well-being, ultimately causing psychological harm in the end.

“They may feel invalidated, dismissed, misunderstood,” says Brito. “It can negatively impact their relationship with their significant other, cause someone to withhold information or hide their kink from them. [And] at its worst, kink shaming can be used as a weapon against someone, and can cause someone to lose their job or their family.”

That might sound extreme, but instances of people’s sex lives becoming public knowledge are often weaponized against them in some form; the belief that a certain non-conformist sexual interest is unacceptable or somehow indicative of a person’s core moral character lives on in popular thought.

As a result, it’s worth thinking about how kink-shaming functions on a greater societal level, rather than just instances of one person shaming another. When we normalize kink-shaming and general sex-negative attitudes, people grow up feeling ashamed of desires they cannot control.

How Can You Stop Kink-Shaming?

“When I was in my teens (and probably even into my early 20s), I thought it was really funny to make fun of furries. But at some point, I realized that I was belittling people for sexual desire that I didn’t understand, even though it was being practiced by consenting adults. There was no real justification for it other than that it felt good in a shallow, sh*tty way to mock outsiders and people who don’t conform. I never tried to shame anyone directly, but I definitely carried that prejudice for many years.” – Ian, 30

Considering the widespread societal consequences of kink-shaming attitudes, and the seriously negative consequences it can have on a person’s wellbeing, it’s worth considering how we can move away from kink-shaming in general.

To that end, sex education — not just about the physical ins and outs of sex, but how desire works — can be a huge factor.

“I think that education is the biggest way to combat kink-shame,” says Caraballo. “There are a lot of misconceptions about why people enjoy kink (or certain forms of kink) and getting exposure to accurate information helps combat negative, internalized puritanical views about sex and kink.”

Brito agrees that education is important, but notes that there are lots of ways we can help shift our culture away from its current kink-shaming state.

She suggests “being willing to learn more about the diversity of human sexuality by being exposed to more sex-positive messages, by de-stigmatizing sex and knowing how to distinguish the difference between a sexual fantasy and reality, [and] by speaking up when someone is shaming someone’s kink.”

Brito also notes that some of the most common kink-shaming occurs within the self, meaning people shaming themselves for their own desires. If you struggle with that kind of thing, it’s worth putting in the effort to shift gears “by practicing self-acceptance, since working on embracing one’s interests is the first step toward accepting others.”

Finally, she adds, you can make a difference “by embracing the notion that everyone is different, and that having unique or non-traditional sexual interests does not mean something is wrong with you.”

Experiencing sexual desire is normal, and what exactly turns you on is often largely out of your control. Until you recognize that your desires alone don’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, it’ll likely be a struggle for you to genuinely accept yourself and your sexuality.

But if you commit yourself to working through these issues — with a partner, perhaps, or in therapy — it’s absolutely possible to arrive at a healthier, more confident place where your own comfort with your sexual desires means you’re not looking to ridicule, diminish or shame others for theirs.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Gay men reveal the fetishes they don’t want others to know about

Kinky gay men who are open and honest with partners are more likely to have better mental health

By Joe Morgan

Gay men have revealed the fetishes they don’t want others to know about.

XTube surveyed their users to determine and rank which fetishes they get turned most on by.

The winner was ‘partialism’, also known as a fetish for a particular part of the body. This could be anything from feet to a hairy chest.

Role play was second on the list, while narratophilia (or dirty talk) was third on the list.

The answers was collected from over 3,000 gay or bisexual men over the age of 18.

Fetishes

The full list:

1. Partialism (9.54%)

2. Role play (8.24%)

3. Narratophilia [or dirty talk] (7.55%)

4. Uniforms [firefighters, soldiers etc] (7.41%)

5. Bondage (7.31%)

6. Submission (7. 3%)

7. Exhibitionism [sex in a place you can get caught] (6.28%)

8. Voyeurism [watching others have sex] (4.7%)

9. Maschalagnia [armpits] (3.4%)

10. Macrophilia [someone being bigger than you] (2.79%)

11. Olfactophilia [smells and odors] (2.52%)

12. Clothing fetishism [leather, rubber] (2.14%)

13. Underwear fetishism [jockstraps, etc] (2.01%)

14. Ablutophilia [baths, showers] (1.78%)

15. Technosexuality [robots, toys etc] (1.4%)

16. Medical fetishism [doctors etc] (1.36%)

17. Podophilia [feet] (1.24%)

18. Coulrophilia [clowns] (1.11%)

19. Sitophilia [food] (1%)

20. Pygophilia [bums] (0.79%)

21. Transvestophilia [wearing clothing typically worn by the opposite gender] (0.65%)

22. Toonophilia [cartoons] (0.3%)

Kink and mental health

If you are kinky, psychotherapists advise to share it with your partners if you already have good communication.

Also, some studies say people who do engage in kink are more likely to have positive mental health.

Deborah Fields, a kink-specialist and psychotherapist, told Gay Star News: ‘[There are studies that say] people who are kinky are more likely to be ok with themselves. People who are kinky tend to have better mental health than people who are not.

‘It’s a hard one to judge. I see a lot of mental health issues. However, do I see any more mental health issues than those outside of the kink community. No.

‘I think what kinky people do is talk more. We have to talk about our shit more than someone that doesn’t. You’re negotiating consent. That community, we, are more likely to discuss things and be open about mental health upfront. The idea of being risk-aware is also including mental health.

‘Research says we’re quite ok. However, there’s no widespread research that has yet to look at the kink community.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Very Sexy Beginner’s Guide to BDSM Words

Me talk dirty one day.

By

[T]he vocabulary of BDSM can be intimidating to newcomers (newcummers, heh heh). What is your domme talking about when she tells you to to stop topping from the bottom and take off your Zentai suit for some CBT? What, while we’re at it, is a domme? So, let’s start with the basics: “BDSM” stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism, the core pillars of kinky fun. Beyond that, there’s a whole language to describe the consensual power exchange practices that take place under the BDSM umbrella. At press time there’s still no “kink” on Duolingo, so here’s a handy glossary of some of the most common BDSM terms, from A to Z.

A is for Aftercare
Aftercare is the practice of checking in with one another after a scene (or “play session,” a.k.a., the time in which the BDSM happens) to make sure all parties feel nice and chill about what just went down. The dominant partner may bring the submissive ice for any bruises, but it’s important to know that aftercare involves emotional care as well as physical. BDSM releases endorphins, which can lead to both dominants and submissives experiencing a “drop.” Aftercare can help prevent that. There’s often cuddling and always conversation; kinksters need love too.

B is for Bondage
Bondage is the act of tying one another up. In most cases the dominant partner is restraining the submissive using ropes, handcuffs, Velcro, specialty hooks, clasps, or simply a belt if you’re on a budget.

C is for CBT (Cock and Ball Torture)
In BDSM, CBT does not refer to cognitive behavioral therapy, it refers to “cock and ball torture,” which is exactly what it sounds like: The dominant will bind, whip, or use their high-ass heels to step on their submissive’s cock and balls to consensually torture them.

D is for D/S
D/S refers to dominance and submission, the crux of a BDSM relationship. While kinky people can be on a spectrum (see: “Switch”), typically you’re either dominant or submissive. If you take away one fact from this guide, it should be that even though the dominant partner in D/S relationship may be slapping, name-calling, and spitting on the submissive, BDSM and D/S relationships are all about erotic power exchange, not one person having power over another. The submissive gets to set their boundaries, and everything is pre-negotiated. The submissive likes getting slapped (see also: “Painslut”).

E is for Edgeplay
Edgeplay refers to the risky shit—the more taboo (or baddest bitch, depending on who you’re talking to) end of the spectrum of BDSM activities. Everyone’s definition of edgeplay is a little different, but blood or knife play is a good example. If there’s actually a chance of real physical harm, it’s likely edgeplay. Only get bloody with a partner who knows what they’re doing without a doubt and has been tested for STIs. You don’t have to get maimed to enjoy BDSM.

F is for Fisting
Fisting is when someone sticks their entire fist inside a vagina (or butthole). Yes, it feels good, and no, it won’t “ruin” anything but your desire for vanilla sex. Use lube.

G is for Golden Showers
A golden shower is when you lovingly shower your partner with your piss. It’s high time for the BDSM community reclaimed this word back from Donald Trump, who, may I remind you, allegedly paid sex workers to pee on a bed that Obama slept in out of spite. This is not the same thing as a golden shower. Kink is for smart people.

H is for Hard Limits
Hard limits are sexual acts that are off-limits. Everyone has their own, and you have to discuss these boundaries before any BDSM play. Use it in a sentence: “Please do not pee on me; golden showers are one of my hard limits.”

I is for Impact Play
Impact play refers to any impact on the body, such as spanking, caning, flogging, slapping, etc.

J is for Japanese Bondage
The most well-known type of Japanese bondage is Shibari, in which one partner ties up the other in beautiful and intricate patterns using rope. It’s a method of restraint, but also an art form.

K is for Knife Play
Knife play is, well, knife sex. It’s considered a form of edgeplay (our parents told us not to play with knives for a reason.) If you do play with knives, do it with someone who truly respects you and whom you trust. Often knife play doesn’t actually involve drawing blood, but is done more for the psychological thrill, such as gliding a knife along a partner’s body to induce an adrenaline rush. Call me a prude, but I wouldn’t advise it on a first Tinder date.

L is for Leather
The BDSM community enjoys leather as much as you’d expect. Leather shorts, leather paddles, and leather corsets are popular, although increasingly kinky retailers provide vegan options for their animal-loving geeks.

M is for Masochist
A masochist is someone who gets off on receiving sexual pain.

N is for Needle Play
Also a form of edgeplay (blood!), needle play means using needles on a partner. Hopefully those needles are sterile and surgical grade. Don’t do this with an idiot, please. Most professional dommes have clients who request or are into needle play. It can involve sticking a needle (temporarily) through an erogenous zone such as the nipple or… BACK AWAY NOW IF YOU’RE QUEASY… the shaft of the penis.

O is for Orgasm Denial
You know how sexual anticipation is hot AF? Orgasm denial is next-level sexual anticipation for those who love a throbbing clit or a boner that’s been hard forever just dying to get off—which is to say, almost everyone. The dominant partner will typically bring the submissive close or to the brink of orgasm, then stop. Repeat as necessary.

P is for Painslut
A painslut is a dope-ass submissive who knows what they want, and that’s pain, dammit.

Q is for Queening
Queening is when a woman, a.k.a. the queen you must worship, sits on your face. It’s just a glam name for face-sitting, often used in D/S play. Sometimes the queen will sit on her submissive’s face for like, hours.

R is for RACK
RACK stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink, which are the BDSM community guidelines on how to make sure everyone is aware of the dangers they consent to. Another set of guidelines are the “SSC,” which stresses keeping activities “safe, sane, and consensual.” We kinksters want everyone to feel happy and fulfilled, and only experience pain that they desire—without actual harm.

S is for Switch
A switch is someone who enjoys both the dominant and submissive role. Get thee a girl who can do both.

T is for Topping From The Bottom
Topping from the bottom refers to when a bottom (sub) gets bratty and tries to control the scene even though negotiations state they should submit. For example, a submissive male may start yelping at his domme that she’s not making him smell her feet exactly like he wants. It can be pretty annoying. It can also be part of the scene itself, such as if the submissive is roleplaying as a little girl with her daddy (this is called “age play”).

U is for Urination
Urinating means peeing (duh) and aside from pissing on a submissive’s face or in their mouth you can do other cool and consensual things with urine, like fill up an enema and inject it up someone’s butt! I am not a medical doctor.

V is for Vanilla
Vanilla refers to someone (or sex) that is not kinky. It’s okay if you’re vanilla. You’re normal and can still find meaningful love and relationships no matter how much society judges you.

W is for Wartenberg Wheel
A Wartenberg Wheel is a nifty little metal pinwheel that you can run over your partner’s nipples or other erogenous zones. It looks scary, but in a fun way, like the Addams Family. It can be used as part of medical play (doctor fetish) or just for the hell of it. Fun fact: It’s a real-life medical device created by neurologist Robert Wartenberg to test nerve reactions, but kinksters figured out it was good for the sex, too.

Y is for Yes!
BDSM is all about enthusiastic consent. The dominant partner won’t step on their submissive’s head and then shove it into a toilet without a big ole’ “yes, please!”

Z is for Zentai
Zentai is a skintight Japanese body suit typically made of spandex and nylon. It can cover the entire body, including the face. Dance teams or athletes may wear Zentai, but some people get off on the sensation of having their entire body bound in tight fabric, and wear it for kinky reasons.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Dating someone with a fetish when you don’t have one

As you may have seen from our A to Z of fetishes series, there is a huge spectrum of kinks out there.

By

[W]here you might be into a fumble on the couch, your new partner might be fingering the ball-gag they’ve hidden under a cushion, wondering about the right time to approach the topic.

There’s a big gap between missionary with the lights off and latex at dawn, which means there’s a hell of a lot of wiggle room for both of you to try new things. But, if your sexual tastes are wildly differing, it can cause friction in your relationship.

If you’re worried you’re too vanilla while your partner is more of a rum and raisin type, however, there are plenty of ways to remedy this.

Be honest

Don’t rush in, pretending you know your way around bondage knots or puppy play if you’re not au fait. Have an honest chat about what turns you on and off. Sex is an important part of most relationships, and there’s no point in going through the motions if you’re not enjoying it.

Whether it’s something you want to try more of, or something you’re not comfortable with, forget trying to be cool and just say it. You don’t owe anyone anything, so don’t try and bend your needs and wants to fit somebody else’s. Makes things much easier for everyone involved.

Recognise unhealthy traits

People who practise things like BDSM are overwhelmingly disciplined and respectful. There are safe words involved, and a focus on communication and physical and emotional wellbeing. Don’t let someone who’s watched 50 Shades of Grey come into your life and start treating you unfairly.

If someone starts to exercise control over you that makes you uncomfortable or affects your daily life, that can qualify as abuse.

Don’t judge

It sounds obvious, but kink-shaming is a real thing and some of us don’t even realise we’re doing it. If someone likes roleplaying something, that doesn’t make it exclusively part of who we are.

Someone can be a loving, kind, and generous person and still love getting spanked and told they’re a worthless piece of sh*t. As long as they’re respecting your boundaries and being clear with you, that’s what matters.

Understand balance is key

If you’re with someone who refuses to compromise with you, and work out ways that you can both do what works for you, bail immediately. Regardless of specifically what it is they’re into, selfish lovers are uncool.

If you like Thai food and your partner likes roast dinners, you wouldn’t be okay with tucking into a Yorkshire pudding every day of the week. That kind of compromise will look different in every relationship, but it’s vital to have it.

Be open minded

You might find that you’re into something you never even knew about. Their kink might be something you never even thought about before, yet here you are getting a golden shower and it’s the horniest you’ve ever been!

Complete Article HERE!

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Don’t Kink Shame Me, Bro

by

“Meet me in the play room in fifteen minutes,” My freshman hallmates and I quoted, putting on our most seductive voices, waggling our eyebrows, and then doubling over with laughter for weeks after a large group of us went to see the first Fifty Shades of Grey movie at the Movie Tavern on Valentines day. Although BDSM and kink continue to have a hay day in pop culture, many people (especially those not informed about, involved in, or interested in kink) like to joke about fetishes and fantasies. So what do you do when, as one anonymous reader asked me this past week, your partner takes you into their confidence, shares one of their kinks with you, and you’re super not into it?

Here’s my vanilla disclaimer. I’m not exactly the most kink-savvy individual, so I’ve had to do a little research for this article. I’m also not a sex therapist, just your friendly neighborhood feminist. But I do know about the power of opening dialogues about sex in a patient and respectful manner. Are consent and open conversation kinks? If so, I’m on board.

1. Do not shame them for having a certain kink. Their interest in a little role play does not make them immature; their interest in BDSM doesn’t equate a twisted mind and a tortured past (*cough* Christian Grey *cough*). If your partner has shared their kink with you and you don’t understand it, don’t tear them down for it, ask questions.

Know that just because your partner is a very kinky girl/guy/non-binary/gender-queer individual, the kind you don’t take home to mother, doesn’t mean that they’re a super freak. But you already know this. You want to support them, you don’t want to kink shame them, you want them to be having good sex that feels good and excites them. But if you’re not kinky, or kinky in the same way that your partner is, you’ll need to identify which aspects of their kink make you personally uncomfortable, and voice your discomforts clearly and kindly, without implying that they should be uncomfortable or feel bad about having a certain kink. After all, they’ve shared a very vulnerable part of themselves with you.

2. Do not shame or degrade yourself (unless you’re into that). Especially if your partner has a strong interest in a particular kink, you may find yourself wondering: what about me as I normally am isn’t enough for my partner? Please, please know that your partner’s kink does not mean that anything is wrong with you, or that you are lesser or not enough just because they want to experiment with adding a new twist to sexual activities. Furthermore, if you don’t want to try out their brand of kink “play,” that doesn’t make you closed minded or cruel, and it certainly doesn’t make you “bad” at sex.

3. Turn offs and “I” statements: Try to explain what about your partner’s kink turns you off or makes you uncomfortable or hesitant, for example, “Being covered in chocolate sauce during sex is a turn off for me. It would make me feel messy and you know how I feel about cleanliness. I would be more focused on how I was going to get the chocolate stains off my sheets than the sex.” Or “Being tied up is a turn off for me because being unable to have full control of my body makes me feel used and objectified.” As an aside, when discussing domination/submission based kinks in particular, you may want to discuss with your partner how your intersecting experiences of power/powerlessness, privilege and oppression affect your comfort levels during sex, as well as how they may turn each of you on or off from certain fantasies.

In general, it may take some more discussion for your partner to fully understand the exact lines and nature and your boundaries and feelings about a fantasy, just as it may take you time to understand their reasons for being turned on by a specific fantasy. They may offer compromises, such as, “Okay, well if cleanliness is the problem, would you be comfortable getting drenched in chocolate sauce in the shower instead?” And if they do offer a compromise that you are still uncomfortable with, it’s still okay to say no. It is always okay to say no.

4. Turn Ons. Offer alternatives! For example, “I’m not comfortable being in a threesome, but I’m super turned on by mutual masturbation. Is that something that you would be interested in?” Or, “As a vegan, the idea of wearing leather during sex is uncomfortably unethical for me, but I’d be down to wear stockings or high heels. Do either of those things turn you on?”

5. Checklists: Before trying anything tremendously new, make like Fifty Shades of Grey and exchange a checklist (I’d hesitate to recommend a binding contract…pun absolutely intended) of sexual acts/behaviors that you both would be comfortable either giving or receiving to help facilitate conversation about exactly what you are and aren’t comfortable with. There are some great lists to be found online, and all are as customizable as you’d like to make them. Maybe you’ll find yourself intrigued by some elements of your partner’s fantasies but not others. Like Anastasia Steele, you too can say yes to light power play, but no to fisting. As one movie-goer cried out, Rocky Horror style, during the non-disclosure agreement scene of the original Fifty Shades of Grey, a few years ago at the Movie Tavern, “Yes! You go girl! You set your boundaries!”

6. What if your partner finds that they cannot be aroused without the object of their fetish? Your partner may have a diagnosable fetishistic disorder. **Note: sexual fantasies are completely normal to have, and having kinks does not mean that you have a fetishistic disorder. According to Psychology Today “A diagnosis of fetishistic disorder is only used if there is accompanying personal distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning as a result of the fetish.” The key word there is distress. If you or your partner’s kinks aren’t distressing either of you, then don’t worry about it. But if your partner does find their kink distressing, inhibitive to normal interactions, or disordered, consider opening a gentle, supportive dialogue with them about seeking help from a sex therapist. There is nothing shameful about anyone seeking out the help they need, if it turns out they do need it.

7. What if you and your partner are just not sexually compatible? Not sharing kinks should not have to be the end of a sexual relationship, but if it’s a real deal breaker for you or your partner, you both need to be honest with yourselves and each other about what you want out of a sexual relationship. If your partner will really only feel sexually liberated if they can regularly release their inner dominatrix and you’re not into that, it’s probably for the best that you both seek out different partners.

Complete Article HERE!

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The Science Behind Sexual Fetishes


 
BY: Anthony Bouchard

[W]hen it comes to sexual fetishes, many different processes take place inside the brain that triggers the attraction. Most people are obsessed with individual parts of the body, while non-living objects sexually arouse others.

It can be difficult to study sexual fetishes because people are naturally shy about discussing them, but by studying search queries crowd-sourced by online search engines, researchers can learn quite a lot about what people won’t share in person.

The search query data hinted that it wasn’t just body parts that triggered sexual desires in people, but even objects associated with said body parts seemed to fit the bill. Worthy of note, the infamous foot fetish was one of the most popular searches from the crowd-sourced data.

Studies also illustrate how a phenomenon known as sexual imprinting impacts a person’s sexual desires throughout life. In this process, a person “learns” what they would prefer in a desirable mate through their life experiences, so the way a person grew up can influence their sexual desires.

While sexual fetishes are often thought as taboo and were once considered mental illnesses, modern science argues that it’s healthy to have one if it doesn’t harm the person or their partner in the process.

Complete Article HERE!

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Wet and Wild

Name: Phil
Gender: Male
Age: 46
Location: UK
Dear Dr Dick, First I must congratulate you on the two fascinating interviews you held with the delicious Tony Buff.   What an incredibly sexy, compassionate and intelligent man he is, I could have listened to him all day. Anyway, I digress. Tony spoke a lot about the importance of safe sex practices in general as well as within the BDSM genre. He often engages in piss play/watersports and I am keen to know the risks involved in such a practice, as there seems to be a number of mixed messages out there on this subject. I have enjoyed this element of sex play myself, intermittently for a number of years, mostly with lovers/partners. And whilst I don’t consider that I have ever put myself or anyone else at risk, it would be good to know some plain hard facts on the matter, regarding the transmission of sexual infections or otherwise. Perhaps you could clarify what is considered safe and that which is risky, within this practice, in other words, the dos and don’ts. Thanks for your time.

Wow! That brings me back, Phil. The interview you mention happened five years ago. (You can find Part 1 and Part 2 HERE and HERE!) Even though I am no longer podcasting, I am so glad to hear that folks are still discovering my shows, even show from so long ago. For anyone not familiar with my podcast archive, you can find it by clicking on the PODCAST tab in the header.golden-shower1

So you want some plain hard facts, darlin’? I got ‘em. In fact, I forwarded your question to THE MAN himself, Tony Buff. And here’s his response:

That is an excellent question, Phil. Many people don’t understand the risks associated with piss play/watersports. According to the BDSM: Safer Kinky Sex booklet published by the AIDS Committee of Toronto, urine with no blood is fine on the outside of intact skin and urine in the mouth is a negligible risk for getting HIV but if your partner has a urinary tract infection there is a risk of catching other sexually transmitted infections. It’s also important to note that drugs can pass through urine chemically unchanged. Drinking large quantities of urine from someone who has been taking recreational drugs can pass those drugs on to your system. And, if you’re HIV positive be aware that drinking the urine of someone on different treatment drugs than your own regime can cause drug treatment resistance.

So those are the risks. Again, every person has the right to determine his or her own risk profile. With open, honest communication you and your play partner or partners should be able to determine which risks are present and how to best mitigate them. I hope that helps.

Oh, and by the way, you can find the BDSM: Safer Kinky Sex booklet HERE!

So there you have it, directly from the horse’s mouth, so to speak. And if you want to know my thoughts on the matter, which just so happens to mirror the amazing Mr Buff’s thoughts, use the search function in the sidebar to your right and simply type in “watersports” or “golden showers” and Voilà!

Good luck

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5th Anniversary Q&A Show — Podcast #320 — 02/13/12

[Look for the podcast play button below.]

Hey sex fans,

Hey everybody, Happy Valentine’s Day! And guess what? This week’s show marks my fifth anniversary of podcasting. I know! Isn’t that fuckin great? I mean who would have guessed that we’d enjoy such a long run.

And what a year it has been too. I brought you fascinating interviews with remarkable people for all of my series. Play With It series, which features conversations with folks in the adult products industry. The Sex EDGE-U-cation series, which features chats with kinksters and porn stars and advocates of alternative lifestyles. The SEX WISDOM series, which brings you interviews with the movers and shakers n the field of human sexuality. And, of course, The Erotic Mind series, which is now four years old.

But today I have a bunch of very interesting questions from the sexually worrisome to dazzle you with. So let’s launch ourselves into year #6 with a bang.

  • Danny has a short fuse.
  • Daniel asks about sex after a prostatectomy.
  • Janet wants to know which sex toys are right for her and her partner.
  • Terria Lee has new a heavy hung BF, but the fuck is uncomfortable.
  • Loveuniforms want to know about piss enemas.
  • Amber is experiencing painful intercourse too.
  • Ash has a thing for the people she sees in porn, but not in real life.
  • Nikky has only one ball. Will that be a problem?
  • Kristin thinks her partner might be cheating on her.
  • Robin wants to crossdress and be submissive, but will he allow himself to do that?

Today’s podcast is bought to you by: Dr Dick’s Sex Advice and Dr Dick’s Sex Toy Review.

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously, or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

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Guess What, Honey? I’m A Kinky Old Perv!

And now, by popular demand, a reprint of an old favorite.

So you’ve met the person of your dreams only you haven’t got around to telling your new honey your dirty little secret. The sweet thing hasn’t a clue that you’re itchin’ for some big-time bondage. Or that you’d sell your soul to be dominated like the lowly little bitch that you are. Or you’re salivating over that dildo you have tucked away in the attic—you know, the one that could be mistaken for a floor lamp. Or you’re craving to be spanked til your shameless ass glows in the dark. Or you want to hump his/her feet like a dog and gobble up his/her toejam. Or you have this nasty little thing about spike heels, frilly knickers and jungle red lipstick.

Never fear—Dr. Dick has heard it all a million times before. Some sorry pervert’s got it bad for white bread.

Dear Dr. Dick,
Help! I’m in love with the sweetest guy/gal in the word, but our sex life is all vanilla all the time. I’m bored shitless! I know how to liven things up, you see I have this fetish (you fill in the blank) but I don’t know how to tell him/her about it and I’m afraid s/he’ll freak if s/he finds out. What’s a perv to do?

Introducing your partner to your personal world of kink can be a little tricky; the whole love match could blow up in your face. But a life of pretense and sexual boredom isn’t the way to go, either. Why not just stand tall like the filthy pervert you are and brazenly proclaim your fetish to Little Miss Mary Sunshine? After all, unless your boyfriend or gal-pal is as dumb as a post s/he’s already figured out that your mutual sex life walks with a pronounced limp (or perhaps is suffering from a case of the gout). Besides, there’s nothing more satisfying than corrupting an innocent. Who knows—s/he may have secrets of his/her own.

Case in point. Here’s part of an exchange I had with a young man from Omaha.

Dear Doc,
I’m 23, and I’ve been dating 30-year-old chick for nearly a year now. I come from a very conservative Christian upbringing and I love that she is more experienced than me. My girlfriend likes to tie me up. I’m a college gymnast so I have very defined muscles. They are a huge turn on for my girlfriend, which I guess explains why she likes to see me struggle against the rope. I get real turned on too when I’m tied up. Sometimes she teases my penis and testicles with a feather or a piece of leather, which drives me wild. I’m worried though, because I think this is gonna warp me somehow. Do you think this is perverted? Why is it so much fun?

Ahhh yeah, Jake, I do think it’s perverted. I think your girlfriend is a big fat pervert and I think you’re still just a teensy-weensy little pervert—but well on your way to Big Fat Perverthood (note: Big Fat Perverthood is not a clinical term; just something we toss around the office for fun), just like your girlfriend. And why is this bondage thing so much fun? It’s such a blast because it IS perverted, IS nasty and IS forbidden, silly! One can only guess what your fundamentalist Christian mom and dad would think about their star athlete son trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey while a considerably older dominatrix punishes his family jewels. I fear this apple has fallen a great distance from the tree, right, Jake? I absolutely love it!

Okay, back to telling your partner about your kink. Here’s what I suggest. Casually direct the conversation to the amazing variety of human sexual expression. You could reassure your sweetie that just because some things are unfamiliar to her/him doesn’t make them bad. Tell him/her that you’ve been waiting for your relationship to mature so that you could share the intricacies of your desires with him/her. This can be one of those precious bonding moments that Oprah is always going on about.

This might be a good time to view that special video you picked up in the kink section of the local porn emporium. Invite her/him to explore your fantasy with you. Tell the little flower that your love for him/her demands that you share the fullness of your sexuality with her/him. Then pick one turn-on for the two of you to experiment with—lingerie, toys, dominance and submission, pee, role-playing—whatever your hearts desire.

Decide on a safe-word, an out-of-context word your partner can use if the experiment is heading in an uncomfortable direction. For example, if the dildo is too big or the lipstick is too red, s/he could say “pickles.” The safe-word, when uttered in the scenario, will let you know that you need to change direction or slow down without completely destroying the built-up sexual energy.

If this initiation process doesn’t work, Dr. Dick suggests that you cut your losses and dump the white bread. Go out and find yourself a kindred spirit, someone you won’t have to apologize to for being creative in your sex play. Because, as we all know, the key to fantastic sex is all about communicating – and if you can’t be honest about what you want, then it won’t be long until you’re looking around, wondering how the hell you got to a sex life full of furtive, 2 minute, missionary position encounters. And life is way too short for that crap.

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Sex Advice With An Edge — Podcast #173 — 12/07/09

[Look for the podcast play button below.]

Hey sex fans,

It’s all Q&A today.  We’re trying to clear the decks, as it were, before our well deserved holiday chair11break, which is coming soon.  The Erotic Mind series will resume in the New Year with a slew of new and interesting erotic artists and authors who will share their work with us and discuss their creative process.

Among today’s correspondents we hear from:

  • Phil asks Tony Buff for watersports info.
  • Alyssa’s BF says dirty and insulting things to her when they fuck.
  • Baux is having a burning sensation in his hole.
  • Gary wants pills to grow his dick bigger.
  • We also have a bunch of sex guilt questions; sex toy for men questions; and pheromones questions.

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes.  You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download