Category: Spicing Up Your Sex Life

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Tantric sex is a slow, meditative form of intimacy that can improve relationships

— Here’s how to practice it

By Sarah Fielding

  • Tantric sex is a slowed-down version of sex designed to enhance intimacy.
  • Prepare for tantric sex by learning its history, creating a safe space, and practicing mindfulness.
  • To practice on tantric sex, focus on your breath, gaze into each other’s eyes, and slow down.

Have you ever wanted to slow things down in the bedroom and gain a more intimate connection with a partner? If so, you may want to consider tantric sex — a form of intimacy focused on strengthening the ties between you and your partner.

Here’s how to practice tantric sex and tips to integrate the practice into your sex life.

Understanding tantric sex

Tantric sex is a slowed-down version of sex designed to enhance intimacy. It stems from the Sanskrit word tantra, which means woven together, and is rooted in Hindu and Buddhist teachings.

In tantric sex, the goal is not about reaching orgasm quickly (if at all) or about feeling incredible physical pleasure. Instead, tantric sex focuses on creating a genuine mindful connection within yourself and then between you and your partner.

“You feel as if you’re merging together or, rather, that the things that separate you are illusions of the material world,” says Stefani Goerlich, a licensed master social worker and sex therapist. “The result of tantric practice is the creation of close bonds with one’s partner, greater awareness of one’s body, and the development of skills such as mindfulness , restraint, and communication.”

Another benefit of tantric sex is its ability to ease anxiety. Traditionally, intimacy can cause performance anxiety around premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, and the worry about ensuring orgasm.

“That pressure… takes you from being in the moment and in your body, to being in your head,” says Kamil Lewis, a sex and relationship therapist in Southern California.

Tantric sex removes those anxieties. “When [you] are able to redirect focus towards experiencing the sensations of simply being present and connected together, [you] are able to enjoy sex without anxiety or fear,” says Goerlich.

How to prepare for tantric sex

If you’re interested in tantric sex, you should prepare in three main ways.

1. Learn about its history

As with any practice rooted in a specific culture, taking the time to understand its history shows respect for its origin and allows you to embrace it with a fuller understanding.

“We cannot take on the spiritual and religious practices of other cultures without taking the time to honor the origins and understand what we’re doing,” says Goerlich. A great place to start could be this cultural and historical overview of tantra.

2. Practice mindfulness

To prepare for tantric sex, Lewis recommends doing a mindfulness practice to connect with your body, become aware of senses, and slow down — all integral aspects of tantric sex.

This can be done through yoga, meditation , or intentionally focusing on sensations and movements throughout the day.

3. Create a safe environment

If trying tantric sex, create a safe environment where you and a partner feel free to connect with yourselves and each other.

“Somewhere where you can feel uninhibited by distractions, and somewhere that you don’t feel self-conscious about sounds you may make,” says Lewis. “Moaning, grunting, and vocalizing are encouraged with tantric sex, so consider a time when roommates, parents, or children aren’t home.”

Tips to practice tantric sex

Once you’re ready to practice tantric sex, you should keep five tips in mind.

1. Focus on breath

Focusing on breath is an essential component of tantric sex, as it allows for deeper connection. Partners are encouraged to synchronize their breaths, so it almost becomes one movement, says Molly Papp, LMFT, sexologist, a certified sex addiction therapist, and owner of Bella Vida Therapy.

As with most mindfulness practices, the breath also grounds you in the present moment. Try paying attention to a part of your body where you feel the breath, like the belly or chest, and refocus your attention to this part.

2. Gaze into each other’s eyes

Spend time gazing into a partner’s eyes. While continual eye contact isn’t necessary for tantric sex, Papp highly recommends it occur often to help build an intimate connection.

Eye gazing is another way of synchronizing to each other’s energy. To gaze deeper, try focusing on having your right eye connect with their right eye.

3. Slow down

Tantric sex is not a race to an orgasmic finish line, but a chance to slow down and explore each other’s bodies. It can last until you reach orgasm, feel connected, or are emotionally satisfied.

This attitude change relieves a lot of typically felt anxiety. “It is especially great for women because of its focus on slowing things down and waiting for arousal to build,” says Papp. “In an age where we are flooded with unrealistic pressure to feel orgasmic pleasure within minutes, this is freeing for many women.”

4. Engage all five senses

The only “goal” of tantric sex is remaining present and being aware of sensations in the body. To do this, Lewis suggests paying attention to all five of your senses, not just touch.

“Notice how your partner smells, what the curves of their bodies look like, what tastes you pick up in your mouth as you kiss, what it sounds like when they or you moan,” Lewis says. “These are all great ways to become grounded in your body and present in the moment.”

5. Incorporate massage

Sex does not need to be penetrative. “Kissing, touching, holding, rubbing, and more can all lead to a full tantric sexual experience, no penetration necessary,” says Lewis.

Even if you want to incorporate penetrative sex, Goerlich says there’s no reason to rush into it. Start by focusing on markers that keep you present and connected, like massaging or cuddling.

“Prolong this sensory exploration and carry it over into your penetrative sex — if indeed you have penetrative sex,” says Goerlich.

In fact, focusing on other forms of intimacy can help keep anxiety levels down. “Something more sensual rather than sexual could help calm one or both partners,” says Papp. “A cuddle session or massage would help relieve that anxiety and ease the experience.”

Insider’s takeaway

Tantric sex slows down an intimate experience and emphasizes the connection between you and a partner.

The practice involves focusing on the breath, staying present, and creating a safe environment to explore sensual intimacy. Remember the end goal of tantric sex is not orgasm, but being present in the given moment.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Five of the best sex podcasts for your aural pleasure

Sexual relationships are changing, and sex podcasts are breaking the mould. Here’s a quintet we like

By Nenseh Koneh

I still remember my sex ed class in high school. Every other week, my teacher would have us read from sexual health books that had last been signed out by students two decades prior. With graphic pictures of STIs surrounded by penis graffiti on the corner of each page, the books only showed the negatives aspects of sex, and touted abstinence as the best option.

Ten years on, things have, mercifully, changed. Whilst my sex education included dressing a banana with a condom, some organizations are now helping sex talk in the classroom to be geared towards consent culture, rather than merely “no means no”. But when it comes to pleasure, conversation has remained traditional. Despite the fact that roughly 75% of women cannot achieve orgasm through penetrative sex, and that many men enjoy prostate stimulation, for example, the media is still rife with how to guides that are completely focused on penis and vaginal penetration.

Fortunately, sex podcasts, in talking about real-life sex issues, are breaking the mould. From hearing Black queer femmes talk about navigating the world of sex to unfiltered stories about threesomes, cam girls and swingers, these are some of the best sex podcasts to look out for in 2021.

Inner Hoe Uprising

Inner Hoe Uprising is a podcast by a rotating group of four twentysomething Black queer people living in New York that is dedicated to sex, love and dating in different parts of the US. They talk about plenty of sex, but also how the Black experience varies from person to person. For example, one of their most recent guests talked about moving to Tucson, Arizona, and how he faced challenges in his personal life due to being in a predominantly white town.

There is also a current affairs segment called Fuck That, which brings awareness to issues pertaining to sex, love, gender and race, among others. Some of the most recent topics covered include the trans bills passed in Florida banning trans athletes, and the self-proclaimed “sexual addict” shooter involved in the Atlanta spa shootings.

Better In Bed

Love talking about sex but hate not having anyone to talk to about it? Better In Bed is a fun and informative podcast hosted by Sara Tang, a sex coach and educator. The podcast (and Tang’s career in general) was inspired by bad sexual education in school, and seeks to act as a corrective.

Tang talks about sexting, toys, BDSM and orgasmic meditations (which allows an orgasm by slowing down and becoming mindful of yourself, rather than rushing and over-focusing). Having trouble imagining it? Well, no worries – in one episode, Tang, with the help of YOLO coach Ying Han Cheng, demonstrates an orgasmic meditation live by performing actions on her clitoris. The practice is meant to be a calm and relaxing experience that channels your own pleasure, possibly changing your entire perspective on orgasms.

Along with a rotating guest list of other sex educators and friends, the show mixes personal experiences in with tips. Even if you think your sex life is satisfactory now, Tang’s podcast, which is well researched and full of surprises in every episode – will help you have more fun.

Sex with Strangers

If you love sex, culture and travel, this podcast will be right up your alley. Sex with Strangers is a traveling sex podcast hosted by Chris Sowa, who travels the world to talk to new “strangers” about sex in every episode. From a trans cam girl who grew up in a conservative US town to an Australian couple that has had threesomes with at least 22 women, no topic is off limits.

Sowa uses the cross-cultural element of his work to analyse what is on offer for the sexually curious in different places, from Icelanders joining in their country’s hook-up and BDSM culture, to the rope bondage and love hotels on offer in Japan.

Due to the pandemic, Sowa’s travel is currently limited, but he is still able to call in his international guests.

We Gotta Thing

Ever wanted to learn about swinger relationships, or secretly desired to be in one? We Gotta Thing, hosted by a married couple going by the names Mr and Mrs Jones, may help you break the ice on the topic. With 37 years of marriage under their belt, the couple talks about every aspect of their lifestyle, all while drinking cocktails. The couple shows us that more goes into “swinging” than people may perceive, including how to reject a couple you have no sexual desires for, how to address consent in a situation defined by blurred lines, or how to budget your newfound swinger sex lifestyle.

Esther Perel’s Where Should We Begin

Although this podcast has been around for quite some time – since 2017 – it was revolutionary for its time, and still is. Who else to look towards for advice about sex and relationships other than a psychotherapist?

In Where Should We Begin, Perel invites listeners to a therapy session between her and a new couple every episode, delving into some of the most taboo topics in relationships, and coming up with inventive ways to spice things up in the bedroom.

Perel, a therapist known for her motto of “fixing the sex first”, broaches topics with couples who have serially cheated on each other, trying to find the perfect balance of effort in an international long-distance relationship, and even a wife having sex with other women after years of frustration in her marriage and sex life. Perel does not hold back with her questions as she wants the couples to benefit from her services as much as possible.

The 50-minute podcast is well edited, with plenty of soundbites from the session and Perel’s additional take in between. She also offers guided questions for each episode that may make you play devil’s advocate and spike interest in something you might not have previously considered.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Make Someone With a Foot Fetish Really Happy

Advice for beginners wondering about footjobs, the best angles for showing feet, and the mysterious allure of toe jewelry.

by Sofia Barrett-Ibarria

Have you ever thought of your feet as hot? If you’re like most people, you likely don’t even “think of your feet,” period… unless you’re seeing someone who thinks about feet a lot, and especially in terms of their hotness. If foot fetishes are new for you, your (hot?) feet might suddenly be on your mind more—and you might also be wondering what, exactly, your partner would like you to do with them.

Whether the foot fetishist in your life is a longtime partner or first-time hookup, there are lots of different things you can do with your feet to excite them. Here’s a guide to thrilling someone who’s into feet—specifically, yours.

What to do before you dip your toes into foot fetish play

Learn a little bit about common foot fetishes to reduce your chances of looking surprised or shocked when your partner lets you know what they’re into.

Foot fetishes comprise a broad spectrum of activities and aesthetic preferences. According to Mistress Justine Cross, a professional BDSM consultant and lifestyle dominatrix, the type of foot fetish play someone enjoys usually comes down to hygiene. “Foot fetishes can generally be broken down into two common categories: clean feet and dirty feet,” said Cross. This might overlap with preferences for big feet, small feet, high arches, or certain toe shapes—whether they’re long and thin, rounded and petite, or anything in between or beyond.

“This fetish is so varied that there’s no one-size-fits-all answer” about what gets foot fetishists off, said fetish content creator and producer Bella Vendetta. Some people incorporate feet into their sex life, while others might find feet sexy, but not necessarily want to directly use them for sexual stimulation. Your partner might be happy with just rubbing your bare feet with lotion or oil, admiring your feet in pantyhose, or watching you wiggle your toes while you’re both fully clothed.

Some of the most common things that might turn your partner on include smelling your feet, sucking the toes, or softly stroking and caressing them. Many foot fetishists enjoy feeling their partner’s feet on their face, whether it’s a gentle foot-on-face massage or “trampling,” a form of foot domination known in which one partner lies on the ground and while the other uses their feet to exert a more intense pressure on their face. Trampling can be one aspect of, as Cross explained, how foot fetishes may also intersect with a partner’s preferences around humiliation, physical domination, or other forms of BDSM.

Talk about involving your feet in sex like you’re excited to know more about your partner and try new things with them—because you are!

Your partner may have already told you about their foot fetish, or maybe you’ve noticed that they’re particularly interested in your feet during sex. In any case, “Let them know you’re open to that and that you don’t think it’s weird, and ask a lot of questions about what specifically turns them on,” Vendetta said. 

Even after you let your partner know you’re interested in experimenting, they might still be a little shy about discussing their foot fetish, especially if you’re in a new relationship or just getting to know each other. People are often hesitant to share sexual preferences that might be seen as unusual or deviant, but foot fetishes, in particular, are often uniquely misunderstood: Your partner may worry that you’ll be turned off or grossed out, that you’ll think there’s something wrong with them, or that you’ll reject them.

“Growing up, many of us are told, ‘Feet are dirty, they’re gross, don’t put your feet in my face,’ so that’s the automatic feeling many people get just because we’ve been taught that,” said foot fetish model Sweet Arches. “The best thing is just to drop all judgment and be completely open-minded,” she said, when someone’s telling you what they like about feet, even if it strikes you as unusual (or, yes, even a little grody).

Ask your partner to tell you what they like specifically. If your partner tells you they fantasize about sucking your toes or smelling your feet during sex—or whatever else they like—try a response like, “I’m really glad to know more about what you’re into, and I’m interested to hear about what that might look like for us—how would it work, do you think?” Then, you can talk through what you’d both be comfortable with and excited by before anything actually happens.

Give your feet some love and attention yourself by taking extra care with grooming.

It’s OK to feel a little self-conscious about the appearance of your feet if you’re not used to thinking about them as sexual assets. You might not know what even makes for a sexy-looking foot—and the thing is, it varies! “There’s truly a foot for everybody,” said Sweet Arches. Some people feel turned on by feet that are well-manicured and polished (or not), while others enjoy the look of dirty feet. They might also prefer certain types of shoes, a particular style of socks or panty hose, high arches, or wrinkled soles.

Richard Lennox, a fetish video performer and producer, said his fans often admire his larger foot size, high arch, and long toes that form a peak, while he enjoys a different type of look. “I prefer supple or muscular feet, with shorter toes formed more straight across,” Lennox said. “Everyone has different likes and dislikes.”

Whatever you’re working with can be put to hot use, even if your partner usually has slightly different taste. Especially when, as Arches mentioned, it’s mostly about clean/dirty for a given foot enthusiast. “As someone who actually has a foot fetish, I personally love clean feet, and I love pretty toenails and toe pads,” Arches said. Others, she said, might prefer feet that are sweaty and strong-smelling, though it’s best to keep things clean unless you’re absolutely certain your partner likes them stinky.

Regardless of what your feet naturally look like, keeping them moisturized and otherwise groomed before you do anything with them is generally a good strategy. “Feet cannot be overlooked when it comes to proper care,” said foot fetish model Miss Arcana. “I have a rigorous maintenance routine involving lotions, creams, and pumice stones to keep my feet as soft and callus-free as possible.” You don’t have to spend hours scouring your soles, though—a simple pedicure, either at home or in a salon, and a consistent moisturizing routine will keep your feet looking devastating.

In terms of how to dress up, your partner may let you know that the feet of their dreams are wearing certain kinds of shoes or accessories (like stockings, toe rings, or anklets). If they’re styles that you don’t already own, ask your partner to pick some out for you. If you really want to treat them and can afford it, you can of course pay for them yourself, but otherwise they should consider picking up the tab for anything they’re specifically requesting you wear.

How to put your best foot forward during fetish-centric encounters

Show off your feet as a form of flirtation.

A straightforward and easy way to pique your partner’s interest (and possibly initiate something more) is to just kick off your shoes. “I get requests all the time from fans who want videos of me just hanging out, sitting in normal clothes with my feet in the camera,” said Mistress D, an OnlyFans model and foot fetish content creator.

Seems easy enough—because it is! Strip off your socks and go barefoot when the two of you are hanging out at home, or try resting your feet near your partner while you’re watching TV. You’ll both feel relaxed, comfortable, and maybe a little turned on. 

Flaunting your feet can also be a nice way to subtly flirt with your partner if they’re still feeling shy about talking directly about their foot fetish. “If someone has an idea that their partner has a foot fetish—maybe they’ve caught them looking at their feet, or they’ve shown just any type of interest in their feet—just kick your feet up,” said Arches, though she said it’s usually just really nice to do that as a first move even if you’re more direct with each other: To ease into things, according to Arches, “The first thing you can do is get your foot in their lap.”

When you’re out in public together (or maybe flirting with a foot-friendly hottie from afar,) show off a fresh pedicure in some cute flip flops or sandals, or accessorize with ankle and toe jewelry. “I’m in Florida, where it’s appropriate to wear flip flops and sandals nearly everywhere,” said Lennox. “My eyes often wander if I’m in a restaurant or wherever, and I think, Oh, nice!” Perhaps you, too, might embrace a more Floridian approach to style?

Invite your partner to give you a foot massage.

If you both want to get more physical, have your partner give you a foot massage. “A foot massage helps break the mental barrier many people have that feet are ‘dirty,’” said Lennox—plus it also feels really good for you! While your partner rubs your feet, maintain eye contact and let them know you’re enjoying having your feet touched. You might compliment their technique, tell them how good it feels, or just sit back, relax, and watch them do their thing. 

Asking for a foot rub—or offering one—can provide a natural way to continue the conversation about specific preferences you or your partner might have. “This can be really helpful in a new relationship where maybe all the kinks aren’t fully explored and fleshed out yet,” said Miss Arcana. As your partner rubs your feet, ask your partner how your feet smell, or even how they taste, and whether they’re turned on by that. “If you approach this conversation [in the moment] with more subtlety than just asking, ‘So, what do you like about feet’ [more generally], you might get a better response!” said Mistress D. As she pointed out, “Not many people want to come right out and say they like the smell of your feet!” A foot massage is a great time to check in about what you’re both comfortable doing next, even if that means staying right where you are.

Use your feet during foreplay.

 If things start to become more overtly sexual, you can keep the mood going by focusing on your feet as you start to hook up. Your partner may fantasize about worshipping your feet—kissing, licking, stroking, caressing, sucking your toes, or putting their mouth on your feet. They may also want to feel your feet on their face or different parts of their body. “I like to give a partner detailed instructions for how to lick, kiss and suck my toes, and compare it to how someone might perform oral sex on me,” said Vendetta. She also recommended using your feet like you might use your hands: “You can just explore each other’s body parts!”

Give your partner a footjob.

While foot worship or other kinds of foot play don’t have to lead to anything more, your partner might love feeling your feet on their genitals. If you’re both down, you can stroke their genitals with lubed feet—also known as a footjob. To do this, turn your feet inward, as if you’re imitating hands in a prayer position. Keep your soles pressed together while you grip, and slide along the length of your partner’s genitals.

Water-based lube generally works best, and you’ll want to keep a towel handy for easy cleanup and safety. “You don’t want anyone to traipse into the bathroom with lubed-up feet,” said Lennox. “Either you’ll have hard-to-remove wet footprints in your carpet and fuzzy feet, or a slip and fall incident on wood or tile floors.”

Your partner might also be interested in having you insert a toe into one of their orifices. Start slow—maybe exploring with your fingers first—and use plenty of lube, which will feel great for your partner while helping prevent potential cuts or scrapes. Clean feet and toes are especially crucial if there’s a chance they might be going inside someone’s body. “Make sure the nails are closely trimmed and hygienic, no fungus at all,” said Lennox. “A scrape can turn into an infection. Probably easy enough to treat, but do you really want to tell that story to your doctor?”

Take nudes or lewds including your feet—and master “the pose.”

Whether you live with your foot-loving partner or you’re just getting to know a new fox, sending a sexy photo or video of your feet lets your partner know that you really want to turn them on in this particular way. Top-down photos of your toes work, though your partner might also appreciate an angle that includes your face and some bright, warm lighting. (“Natural light or even a ring light will make a huge difference,” said Miss Arcana.)

“I personally love to include my face and have my toes just right up front on camera,” said Arches. “That way, they get a feel that you’re into it and your cute little feet are in front, too. They get the full picture.”

From there, “There are so many possible positions you could try,” said Mistress D. She listed an array of options, including crossing your feet, putting one on top of the other, or posing them side by side. A few variations on these, like flexing the toes, curling them together tightly to create wrinkles in the soles, or pointing the big toe upward in a “thumbs up” can also add some variety. If your partner enjoys seeing your feet in high heels, you might also try slipping on a pair that shows off the small space between your toes, or “toe cleavage.” a bit of toe cleavage, or the space between your toes.

Your partner might enjoy a view from behind, with your butt resting on the soles of your feet. If a video is more their speed, see if they want to watch you spread your toes as wide as possible, or scrunching them in toward the soles. Practice a few different angles and positions and see which your partner is enthusiastic about.

If you still feel like you’re not sure your approach is working, Miss Arcana recommended “the pose,” which she described as a surefire smash hit among most foot fetishists. “It’s the best go-to pose that any beginner can do,” she said. “Lay on your stomach, bend at the knees, and bring your feet up in the air behind you. Now, you have the perfect position to show your face with your feet mischievously teasing in the background!”

 Whatever you do, though, your partner is going to be excited that you’re trying to begin with! “You don’t have to stress about the actual ‘pose’ too much,” said Miss Arcana. Remember that photos and videos, like actual foot-based action, are about pleasure, not perfection!

As in all aspects of newly involving yourself in someone else’s fetish, there’s no need to expect that you’ll immediately know each and every one of its particulars the moment you get started. Your partner will likely be incredibly stoked (and turned on!) that you’re interested in making their fetish a part of your sex life just in that fact alone, and you’ll figure the rest out together as you go. As Miss Arcana put it: “Just put your best foot forward with every attempt, and have fun.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Am I Having Enough Sex?

By Karley Sciortino

I’ve always assumed it’s normal to waste your life wondering if everyone’s having more sex than you. It seems there are these “numbers” we’re supposed to hit in order to achieve sexual adequacy. I’m not sure who comes up with them—whether it’s Cosmo, scientists, Samantha Jones, or Satan—but they’ve infiltrated the culture. For instance, in my 20s, I read an article claiming healthy couples have sex three times a week. I filed this away as fact, somewhere in the junk drawer of my brain, for over a decade. But now I’m 35, in a long-term relationship, and I’m pretty sure whoever wrote that was either bad at math or the leader of that NXIVM sex cult.

According to the internet, if you’re single, going a handful of months without sex makes you an incel gargoyle. And yet, having sex multiple times a week with different partners is too far in the other direction. It’s a delicate balance— you should have enough sex to prove you’re a hot, empowered girl-boss, but not so much that you become a slut from hell, desperately trying to fuck away your childhood trauma. But with all this mixed messaging, will someone just tell me: How often should I have sex?

In my 20s, I kept an actual calendar of how much sex I was having. If I went a few weeks without smashing, a siren would go off in my brain, alerting me to send frantic “sup?” texts to my phone reserves (“Adam Ponytail,” “Jake L train,” “Fingers,” etc.). Not only did being sexually prolific validate my worth as a sex object, it also made me interesting. Arriving at a party without a hilariously tragic sex story felt akin to a comedian walking onstage without material.

When I met my boyfriend, we had so much sex that I developed a limp. Somehow everything from making English muffins to organizing my desktop became foreplay. But the first time we hung out and didn’t have sex, I immediately thought: “We’re doomed.” In those early days of manic infatuation, even literally crippling amounts of sex felt insufficient. Now, nearly four years into our relationship, I still sometimes find myself Nate Silver-ing our sex life. If we have sex three days in a row, we’re winning the game! If we don’t have sex for more than a week, we may as well swan dive onto the concrete slab called “The L.A. River.”

It’s a common belief that sexual frequency is an indicator of a relationship’s strength. But famed couple’s therapist Esther Perel disagrees. In her book Mating in Captivity, she describes toxic relationships that breed steamy sex lives and deeply loving relationships that lack sexual passion. Maybe that’s why the most popular erotic novel is about being sexually bullied by a sulky businessman?

When I fall into a shame spiral, I often call my friend Ryan. He and his boyfriend have been together for six years. They’re one of the strongest couples I know, and yet, being hot and vaguely famous hasn’t spared them the sexual stress of your average monogamist. Ryan confessed, “Honestly, as gay men, I thought we were immune to these problems—I was like, light a candle for straight couples! But, it’s a tale as old as time: We had sex regularly for the first couple years, then it gradually became once a week. Then, starting year four, we’d have dry spells that would last up to six weeks.”

For Ryan and his boyfriend, these sexual droughts felt too awkward to acknowledge, like when your date has something stuck in his teeth. Ryan explained, “It’s as if there’s a pressure valve in our relationship. When we’re not fucking, the pressure keeps building. Sex becomes this bogeyman looming over us. But then the second we break the dry spell, we’re like ‘Oh my God! We went a whole month without sex, wasn’t that crazy?!’ Suddenly we’re able to talk about it openly.”

I’ve been there. If you’re in a sex slump, once you finally rail it’s like resetting the clock—“Okay phew, we’ve got a week before it gets weird again!” Of course, if you’re able to address it before paranoia sets in, it makes the whole thing less threatening.

“What I’ve learned is that you can’t catastrophize,” Ryan said. “In the past, my boyfriend and I created our own private narratives about why we weren’t having sex, which inevitably leads to a K-hole of anxiety. But the narratives you write say more about your own issues than they do about the relationship.” In the mutilated words of Joan Didion: “We tell ourselves stories in order to not have sex.”

Unfortunately, writing disturbing narratives is my specialty. For instance, in all my relationships, I’ve preferred that my partner initiate sex—it makes me feel wanted. When they don’t, my story quickly becomes: “I guess I’m literally Shrek and they’re disgusted by my presence and I should sleep outside with the raccoons.” When in reality, maybe they just, like, have a headache? When our dark imaginations overpower our curiosity, sex can easily become a proxy for myriad insecurities—that we’re not skinny enough, smart enough, or that our podcast is failing.

But even if you’re somehow evolved enough to create a healthy dialogue around sex, it still doesn’t answer the essential question: How often should you bang? What are the magical Goldilocks numbers that tell us when to panic, feel smug, or check into rehab?

To answer this once and for all, I turned to my friend Dr. Zhana Vrangalova, sex researcher and professor of human sexuality at NYU. Zhana told me, “In my mind, the only way to answer that question is to ask yourself: How often do you want to have sex? Sex matters differently to different people. Some people are happy having it once a year. Some couples want sex several times a week, even after 20 years. Both can be healthy.”

It sounds obvious: Just fuck as much as you want, duh! But it’s not so easy. Often—for women, in particular—desiring sex is so linked to being desired, that it can be difficult to separate the two. Sometimes I can’t tell whether I actually want sex, or if I just want to want it, or if I feel guilty for not wanting it, or if I just want my boyfriend to want it so I don’t have to melt my brain trying to answer these questions.

According to Zhana, healthy desire is a combination of “how often you’re spontaneously horny, and how often you want to have sex for other reasons that are in line with your values—for instance, because you’re single and want to explore your sexuality, or because you love your partner and know that sex brings you closer.” Basically, pushing yourself to have sex doesn’t have to be bad, so long as it’s authentic. It’s like working out—sometimes you’d rather die than go to the gym, but once you’re there you’re glad you bought a smoothie and went home.

Zhana continued, “Anxiety is an unhealthy incentive to have sex. Autonomy is extremely important to our wellbeing, so feeling pressure—whether it’s internal or external—is antithetical to desire, because it feels inauthentic. Basically, if the reason you’re having it is that ‘I think everybody else is having more sex than me,’ then that’s a problem.” (Sounds like someone’s not having enough sex, tbh.)

Of course, fixating on numbers fails to address whether the sex is actually, ya know, good. Looking back, it’s creepy to think how marginal enjoyment was in the equation. For instance, in my mid-20s I was in a relationship where we had tons of sex—it was rapid, joyless, and yielded more UTIs than orgasms. Success!

Essentially, when evaluating your sex life, ask yourself: Does being sexually successful mean zombie fucking your life away to fulfill an arbitrary quota, or does it mean being honest with yourself about your desires, and getting a Xanax prescription? Choose your own adventure.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to have sex outside

— plus, the best positions for outdoor fun

Have fun and exciting outdoor sex, with these expert top tips

By

Ever considered embracing the fresh air and having sex outdoors? You’re not alone. According to Google, searches for alfresco sex jumped to new heights in 2020, particularly in May. Perhaps the arrival of spring elicits new feelings of friskiness, but it’s worth noting that people enjoy having sex outside for many different reasons. 

If you’re already tried all the best vibrators, experimented with bondage or indulged in your sexual fantasies, sex outdoors could be a new and exciting experience for you and your partner. For some, the risk of being caught is the biggest pull. For others, sex outside could simply be a more logistically sound option than hooking up at home where privacy might be a luxury. But, for many, it’s a fun new way to mix up their sex life. 

“Fresh air and sunshine make us feel great, so it’s easy to see how a walk in the park could turn into a romp in the bushes,” says Renèe, a sex expert at Sh! Women’s Store. “The thrill of getting caught adds an extra frizz, and if you’re a person with an adventurous streak, outdoor sex might be on your sexual bucket list. For most couples, though, it’s a case of getting carried away.” 

Whatever the reason, you should be fully prepared if you want to have great sex outdoors. 

1. Have the conversation 

First things first, open up the idea of sex outside with your partner. “This conversation is best had when you’re both sharing fantasies and talking about sexy things you’d like to try together. You could say something like: ‘I’ve always wanted to try sex outdoors’ and see how they react,” says Renèe. “Don’t take it personally if they’re not immediately jumping on the idea; they might need some time to think about it. You want them to be as keen as you are, so give them time to mull it over and fantasize about it.”

You should also both discuss the possible outcomes of your outdoor fun. In most US states, public sex is a misdemeanor crime. Some state laws explicitly criminalize public sexual activity whereas elsewhere, laws are broader and cover a variety of indecent acts in a public setting, not limited to sex and sex acts. Most states carry a sentence of up to one year in prison and a fine if you’re arrested. But then again, depending on which state you’re in, loopholes exist such as having sex in a car which technically isn’t a public place.

In the UK if you’re caught having sex outside you could be charged with a sexual offense and added to the list of registered sexual offenders, says Julia Margo, Co-Founder of Hot Octopuss.

Wherever you are, brush up on the laws in your area and discuss these with your partner.

2. Pick the right spot

Outdoor sex is exhilarating, whether you’re spicing up a sexless marriage or just want to try something new with your partner, but finding the right spot to have public sex is key.

A secluded area where you won’t be disturbed is the best bet, but sex writer Andy Jones offers a happy medium for beginners. “If you’re new to outdoor romance, start small,” he says. “The best place to make your outdoor sex debut is your car. It basically has a bed, music and – if you dim them – some ambient lighting. Positions are fairly limited, but you can afford to go slow, you’ll never get cold and you can make a quick escape if you need to.”

Alternatively, if you’re ready to embrace the wilderness, consider where might be the best type of outdoor spot for you and your partner. “Best practice is to choose an area with little to no foot traffic,” says Julia. “That can be an abandoned building, a hiking trail – avoid high traffic times like weekends – or even a community garden, after hours, of course.”

3. Be mindful of personal safety

Whether with a long-term partner or a new love interest, outdoor sex comes with personal safety risks.

During sex, we make ourselves vulnerable, so it’s important to consider you and your partner’s safety before you get started. Be aware of how safe the area is, especially after dark. It’s also best not to be under the influence when you’re having sex outside for the first time, especially with a new partner, as this can compromise your judgment and reactions.

Some people who enjoy outdoor sex take part in dogging or cruising, the act of meeting other people, sometimes strangers they’ve met on sex apps, to have sex outdoors or in cars at specific locations. If you’d like to try it out for yourself, it’s not advised to attend these meet-ups on your own. Personal safety shouldn’t have to be an issue when exploring your sexuality, but unfortunately, women are statistically at greater risk of assault or violence than men when visiting dogging sites, so it’s best to take someone along with you or drop your location to a friend and have them wait for you nearby.

4. Be prepared

Dress to get undressed and then to get dressed again quickly. Easy access is the key when planning an outdoor adventure. Consider the effectiveness of skirts and dresses over the likes of one-pieces or pantyhose and opt for layers that you can slip back on should you need to dress again in a hurry. “Logistics-wise, regardless of gender, a skirt will make downstairs activity more accessible for everyone,” says Julia. “Ditch the underwear in advance and bring a plastic bag, or better yet, a reusable container, for responsibly transporting used condoms and toys home with you.”

If going commando isn’t your thing, there are other options to make sex outdoors more accessible. “Crotchless panties were made for outdoor sex,” says Renèe.

It’s a good idea to bring food and drink along for refueling after a sexy outdoor session, but a picnic also works well as a cover. After all, who would suspect innocent picnickers of anything untoward? “Always take a picnic and a blanket,” says Andy. “It gives you at least half a reason to be there if you are spotted and, if you pack champagne and strawberries it can only add to the romance. The blanket is essential for providing cover in an emergency, but it also provides protection against snagged knees and ricked backs. If you’re being really thorough with your cover story, binoculars can help you spot if people are coming but also make it look like you are on a nature trail.”

While you might be nervous about getting caught and keen to get straight to it, consider how teasing and kissing can elevate the mood. Slowly building up to something that’s considered slightly taboo will not only make it seem more physically exciting but will stimulate you mentally, too. Try telling your partner what you plan to do and use your hands and toys while things heat up. Oral sex up against a tree or lying in long grass can be great but it’s worth bearing in mind that if you’re spotted, this can be highly offensive for onlookers. Again, easy access clothing is the key here and with the right outfit, using hands, tongues and toys becomes much easier.

“Be prepared to adjust what you are normally into,” says Andy. “For example, spooning together in the long grass can work well but if you pick a location that’s too public, ‘from behind’ is bound to get you noticed.” Sex outside, especially if it’s your debut, isn’t the ideal moment to try something new and what you can get away with really depends on how private you can be in the spot you’ve chosen.

“The best sex positions for sex outside allow you to get up and away easily. A seated cowgirl is good if you come across a bench. Standing against a tree is a classic and a standing doggy-style also works really well,” says Renèe.

If standing up isn’t an option, perhaps because of height differences or leg pain, finding a spot among the bushes or long grass is a winning combination with a simple missionary or cowgirl position.

Above all, when it comes to sex outside remember to relax, enjoy yourself and have fun with it. Now you know all the rules and every trick in the book, you can embrace your ecosexual side with no problems.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A beginner’s guide to bondage

— and how to introduce the idea to your partner

Curious about bondage, but not sure if it’s right for you? Here’s everything you need to know and more…

by

Bondage: one of the biggest buzzwords in the world of sex, but is it really all whips, chains and latex wearing dominatrix’s in dungeons? 

For those who haven’t delved into the world of bondage before, the thought of it may seem daunting, considering pornographic depictions tend to involve some pretty extreme acts. However, since the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon, public interest in bondage has been on the rise and it seems more couples than ever are engaging in everything from restraints and blindfolds to full-time dominant/submissive relationships. 

Just like introducing your best vibrator into the bedroom, approaching the conversation of trying bondage with your partner can seem overwhelming. But having an open and honest conversation about your sexual fantasies and how you both can bring them to life is easier than you might think. Plus, it could reignite the spark in a sexless marriage or help you bond with your other half.

To help you explore this type of sex play, we spoke to the experts who shared everything you need to know about bondage for beginners, with top tips for introducing the idea to your partner…

What is bondage?

Sex-positive relationships therapist, Sarah Berry, describes bondage as “consensually tying, binding or restraining someone. It’s anything that can restrict movement, whether it’s a dressing gown belt tying limbs to bedposts, handcuffs, a corset or a vacbed”.

Jess Wilde, bondage expert at Lovehoney, adds that bondage falls under the umbrella term Power Play where one partner takes on a dominant role while the other becomes the submissive.

Jess stresses that bondage and rough sex are totally different, and in fact, bondage can be very romantic. “Lots of bondage play is not rough at all and is often extremely slow and sensual. The only similarities between bondage and rough sex are that both acts should be explicitly discussed with clear boundaries agreed upon before play, and you should always settle upon a safe word before either type of sex,” Jess says.

Why is bondage so popular?

While bondage has been around for centuries, thanks to mainstream film, TV and books, bondage is more popular than ever. Research by Durex found that 53% of us see the benefits of experimenting through role-play, sensual massage or bondage.

There are lots of reasons people enjoy bondage, from the general feel-good factor of restriction to the element of power exchange.

“It might be because the restriction feels good in itself, for aesthetic reasons, to carry out a certain action or for power exchange,” says Sarah.

While some people who engage in BDSM might be more involved in the kink community and enjoy going to sex clubs or being flogged in a Christian Grey-style Red Room, for many it’s seen as a fun way to experiment with their sexual partners and strengthen their bond.

What’s more, for many, bondage is about much more than sex. Sex play can be a way to process trauma, reconnect with your body and sensuality, and find a sense of order and purpose in a world that can be chaotic and confusing.  

What are the rules of bondage?

There is really only one universal rule – bondage should always be safe and consensual.

While bondage is a great way to explore your boundaries and discover new realms of pleasure, it’s essential this is done safely and that you and your partner communicate about what you do and don’t feel comfortable trying. 

“A safe word is something the submissive partner (the one who’s restrained) can use at any time to stop play immediately and tells the Dominant partner (the one doing the tying) that they want to be released,” Jess explains. “Your safe word can be anything you like as long as you’ve both agreed on it before play. The best ones are short, easy to say, and easy to remember. It should stand out like a sore thumb in the middle of sex. A personal favorite is “GANDALF!””

When it comes to boundaries, you and your partner should discuss anything you don’t want to happen so they know exactly what is off the table during play.

The restrained person should never be left unattended, even if the Dominant is just leaving the room for a few moments. And restraints should never be too tight that they end up cutting off circulation.

Sarah also advises against drinking alcohol when experimenting with bondage, and as a safety precaution, have medical scissors on hand for a quick way to release restraints if necessary.

It’s also incredibly important to follow up with aftercare when play ends.

“During bondage play, one partner dominates the other, which is super arousing and exciting in that moment but can leave one or both of you feeling uncertain after it’s all over,” Jess explains.

This is known as the sub-drop and can happen when the submissive partner feels the endorphins wear off when playtime has finished and they start to feel lonely or sad.

“Bondage aftercare is the process of reassuring your partner that you care for them. Lots of hugs, loving touches and an open chat about the experience you’ve just shared are great ways to do this,” Jess advises.

How do I talk to my partner about bondage?

Keen to give bondage and try but not sure how to approach the idea with your partner? Sometimes it’s easier to show rather than tell. If your partner is comfortable with it, you could show them videos of the different bondage play you’d like to try out.

Porn for women is a great way to introduce your partner to different types of play for female pleasure, there are also hundreds of YouTube videos explaining the different aspects of bondage that will help open up the conversation with your partner. You can then discuss what you’re both interested in trying and encourage them to share their fantasies with you too.

Once you’ve talked about what you’re both interested in trying, discussed your boundaries and agreed on a safe word, the fun can really begin.

What do I need for bondage?

You can start bondage play using household items like a tie or a dressing gown waist tie as restraints, but if you want to invest in play you won’t be short of sex toys to buy.

The market is full of toys for bondage play, from rabbit vibrators to handcuffs and blindfolds. Brands like Adam & Eve and Love Honey sell bondage sets for beginners which include the basics such as, blindfolds, handcuffs, ballgags and whips.

While you don’t need a kit to get started, it does remove the pressure of deciding what type of restraint to try out first. Handcuffs and blindfolds are a great place to start as they’re easily removed and not too restrictive. Ideal for first-times who may be a little apprehensive about getting stuck in the restraints.

To begin with, Jess advises avoiding rope or bondage tape which can damage the skin if not used correctly. “Instead, opt for soft, Velcro-fastened wrist cuffs that offer comfy, reliable restraint, and can be removed in a jiffy if required,” she says.

“Start small, and focus restraint on one area of the body to begin with (eg wrists OR ankles),” Jess adds. “And, if you both like that, then you can build to more advanced restraint where arms and legs are cuffed at the same time.”

Once you get to grips with the basics and discover what you like, you can explore bondage sex toys further. For instance, if you or your partner are particularly keen on being handcuffed, you can look into other types of restraints such as rope, collars or hog ties.

Feeling comfortable and confident is a sure-fire way to boost your enjoyment, so treat yourself to some new lingerie to get you in the mood, too. It doesn’t have to be leather or latex – choose something that makes you feel sexy, comfortable and ready to experiment.

How do I choose submissive and dominant?

Once you and your partner have decided to explore bondage together, your next thought might be which one of you should play as submissive and which as dominant. But, the brilliant thing about bondage, is you don’t have to be one of the other. Play is for everyone who consents and there are so many ways you can explore bondage, domination and submission.

Don’t let the stereotypical, heteronormative depictions of BDSM put you off from what could open up a whole new world of excitement and self-discovery. It can be fun to switch things up with your partner and play different roles every time.

The world of BDSM is for all sexualities and gender identities, and bondage can even provide a unique sensory experience for those who don’t want to engage in penetrative sex itself.

“How you play is a matter of personal preference. To figure this out, talk with your partner before play and remember: the sub is the one who’s actually in control at all times. Although the dom may guide play, the sub calls the shots, and decides when play is over,” Jess says.

What’s next for your sex life after bondage?

If you’ve enjoyed bondage and want to take things to the next level, Jess suggests adding sensory play into the mix with spanking.

“Spanking can be enjoyed with or without bondage (in the same way bondage can be enjoyed without spanking). Because spanking is still a form of Power Play, it has many of the same rules as bondage in order to keep play fun and safe,” Jess says.

“For couples who’ve agreed they’d like to try spanking, it’s important that you build intensity slowly,” Jess adds. “Start with a light tap, and build how hard you hit to find the right sensation for your sub. Some people like their spanking with some pain, but for many, spanking isn’t painful at all. Lots of people enjoy spanking for the psychological thrill of being dominated or dominating someone.”

Start with your hand first before bringing any toys into the bedroom. “Using your hand enables you to control how hard you spank as you can feel the impact too. If you’re both happy with this and decide you’d like to try using a spanking tool, a beginner-friendly spanking paddle is the best place to start,” Jess says.

When you’re new to bondage the most important thing to remember is that it should be fun! Bondage is play that should be enjoyed by both you and your partner. It should bring a new level of excitement to the bedroom and be a positive sexual experience for you both.

So get those cuffs out, and explore everything bondage and the wider BDSM world has to offer.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Men who identify as feminists are having more — and more varied — sex

By

In 2015, Justin Trudeau surprised many by claiming a feminist identity. Numerous celebrities and entertainers have recently asserted themselves as feminists, and some have even chastised those who reject feminism.

While more and more men from across social divides have begun supporting feminist values and asserting a feminist identity, many are scrutinized for talking the talk but not walking the walk.

Feminism is predicated on support for gender equality. Men may associate with feminism to help distance themselves from outdated gender roles, bringing them in line with current sociopolitical trends.

In a recent article I co-authored with sociologist Tina Fetner, we looked at whether feminist men care about equality in the bedroom, the most intimate environment where the gender oppression may play out. Specifically, we were interested in how the sex lives of feminist men differed from non-feminist men: Did their personal politics mean they acted differently when having sex with women?

Beyond simply claiming a progressive identity, what sort of behaviours accompany a feminist identity? Do feminist men actually live up to their identity in various aspects of their lives?

Surveying men

Seeking answers to these questions, we analyzed a sub-sample of self-identifying heterosexual men from a larger survey on sex and sexuality in Canada. The Sex in Canada survey is a nationally representative survey of Canadian adults. It asks questions not only about sexuality, but also about personal sexual behaviours, sexual history and political and social values.

Of all the straight Canadian men surveyed, we found that only about 22 per cent of men actually identified as feminist. Most men, around 60 per cent, said they were not feminists, and about 18 per cent were “not sure.” And, as with feminist women in previous studies, feminist men were more likely to have higher levels of education.

Feminism = more sex

Taking a look at how recently men engage in certain sex acts, we found feminist men had more sex than non-feminist men. Specifically, feminist men reported having intercourse and both performing and receiving oral sex with women partners more recently than non-feminist men.

While feminist men reported giving oral sex to their partners more recently, they also engaged in intercourse and received oral sex more recently than non-feminist men, suggesting they do not sacrifice their own pleasure. Instead, we believe feminist men continue to benefit from traditional approaches to sex that emphasize sex acts pleasurable for men.

Taking a deeper look at this, we examined men’s most recent sexual encounter to further test if intimate encounters differed between groups. Feminist men, and those who said they were unsure of their feminist stance, were more likely than non-feminists to have intercourse and engage in breast touching or nipple stimulation.

Feminist men and even those who were not sure, reported giving oral sex to their female partners at higher rates than non-feminists. This is critical as research consistently finds that clitoral stimulation through oral sex is an important and pleasurable act that brings women to orgasm.

Gender equality in private and public

All too frequently we see men say one thing and do another; we tend to focus primarily on public attitudes and behaviours. We have little knowledge of what goes on beyond closed doors.

Although men who claim a feminist identity may not be more equitable in their everyday public interactions with women, our findings suggest that identifying as a feminist matters in private settings.

In private sexual encounters, feminist men and those ambivalent toward feminism, perform sexual behaviours targeting women’s pleasure at a higher rate than those disavowing feminism, suggesting these men may care about their partners as expressed through the performance of equality in sexual pleasure.

Many men claiming a feminist identity also declare support for gender equality. Our results indicate this purported support coincides with a commitment to gender equality in sexual interaction. Feminist men help transcend sexual (interaction) inequality by bridging the gender gap in orgasms.

While this is a good sign, we encourage further conversation and research addressing inequality in private heterosexual relations.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is Tantric Massage?

7 Ways To Try It At Home

By Kelly Gonsalves

Many people fall into the trap of following the same sexual scripts. Sex looks the same every time, usually involving some kissing, maybe some oral, and then a person with a penis thrusting aggressively into a person with a vagina until the former orgasms. Learning to move away from these scripts can unlock whole new realms of pleasure, new types of sensations, and more uniquely connective experiences. One way to throw all the rules out the door is to explore tantric sex and, specifically, tantric massage. Here’s what happens during a tantra massage and how to give one to your partner.

What is tantric massage?

Tantric massage is a style of massage or bodywork that draws on the principles of tantra, an ancient spiritual practice originating in Central and Southeast Asia. In most modern-day practice in the West, tantric massage involves massaging and stimulating the full body with particular focus on sensitive areas like the penis and vulva. It’s sometimes referred to as simply an erotic massage, although a tantra massage also incorporates breathwork, meditation, and mindfulness elements and is not necessarily sexual. Tantric massage also has a spiritual and energetic component, wherein the practitioner or giver helps move the receiver’s energy throughout the body to promote inner healing.

“Unlike other forms of massage, this sacred practice incorporates the tantric essence of shakti, or energy,” Tiffany Tanner, a tantra teacher and massage therapist in Arizona, tells mbg. “When skillfully incorporating this universal force into a massage, it can touch the deepest layers and aspects of a human being and be a profound instrument of spiritual and emotional healing.”

Tantra stems from ancient Hindu, Buddhist, and Jain traditions, though most tantra taught and practiced in the West can be referred to as neotantra, a modern adaptation that focuses specifically on sacred sexuality as opposed to the other spiritual and religious elements of traditional tantra. “The experience we offer is not intended for the tantric purist,” Genevieve Duarte, a tantric massage expert at White Lotus East, says of the tantric massages offered at their New York studio. “If anyone desires to explore and commit to the more traditional teachings of tantra, then this experience can serve as a beginning platform.”

What happens during a tantra massage.

What happens during a tantra massage offered at a massage studio or spa center will vary greatly depending on the facility. In general, tantric massage involves massaging and stimulating a person’s full body, including genitalia, while doing breathwork, meditation, and other spiritual practices or energy work. Some forms of tantric massage include the yoni massage (focused on the vulva), the lingam massage (focused on the penis), and massaging the sacred spot (aka the prostate).

Tantric massage can also be practiced at home with a partner and can be a way to introduce a slower, more intentional, and more intimate form of sexuality into a couple’s sex life.

People can orgasm during a tantra massage, though it’s not the goal. Tantric massage is more about leaning into pleasure, releasing energetic blocks and tension, and connecting spiritually with another person. Intercourse is not usually part of a tantra massage, though tantra massage can be incorporated into a tantric sexual experience between a couple.

Before attempting to give a tantric massage, it’s helpful to learn a little bit about tantric principles in general, as it’ll ensure you’re approaching the experience from a perspective of sacred connection and intentional pleasure.

These are the most essential elements of a tantra massage, according to Duarte:

  • For the recipient, being able to receive pleasure without feeling compelled to reciprocate.
  • For the giver, being willing to provide pleasure without the need of the same in return.
  • For the giver, learning to read the partner’s body language and understanding the importance of touch.
  • For both, forgetting about time.
  • Each partner having a strong desire to please the other.
  • Strong personal hygiene in preparation for the experience.

“It’s often difficult for someone to express how one wants to be touched and how many people are inept in the way they touch one another,” she tells mbg. “Touching someone in a manner that they want to be touched takes time, experience, and open-mindedness.”

Below are instructions for specific types of tantra massage. You can do these with a partner or by yourself.

Lingam massage.

A lingam massage focuses on honoring and pleasuring the penis:

  1. Get the penis owner relaxed, lying on their back in a comfortable position with their legs apart and knees bent. Remind them to breathe deeply throughout the experience.
  2. Practice breathing in their energy of arousal as you inhale and sending them loving energy as you exhale.
  3. Lubricate and massage the areas of the penis, starting by sliding your hands up their thighs, pubic bone, and perineum.
  4. Gently, slowly massage the testicles. You can pull them slightly, cup them in your hands to fondle them, or use your fingernails gently on them.
  5. Massage the shaft, varying your grip, stroke sequences, and twisting motions. Vary from one hand to two and from slow to fast.
  6. Don’t let them climax. Keep them at the edge of orgasm, also known as edging.
  7. If they’re comfortable, stimulate their sacred spot, also known as the prostate.
  8. When they’re ready, allow your partner to climax with an ejaculation orgasm.

Here’s tantric sex educator Psalm Isadora’s full guide to lingam massage.

Yoni massage.

A yoni massage focuses on honoring and pleasuring the vulva:

  1. Have the vulva owner lie on their back in a comfortable place with a pillow under their hips, knees up, and feet on the ground.
  2. Guide them in connecting to their breath.
  3. Warm up with a body massage or tantric breast massage (see below) to slowly build arousal.
  4. Move to the vulva and begin stimulating the clitoris, alternating between circling, pushing and pulling, tugging and rolling, tapping, and G-spot massage.
  5. Encourage your partner to practice edging, or to lean in to experience multiple waves of orgasms.

Tantric breast massage.

The tantric breast massage or nipple massage simply applies tantra massage principles to the breasts:

  1. Set the scene with candles, incense, or music that makes your partner feel sexy.
  2. Remind them to focus on their breath, taking long, deep breaths throughout the experience.
  3. Drip some oil at the center of their heart between the breasts, as well as over the belly.
  4. Start by massaging the belly to stir up sexual energy before moving on to the breasts.
  5. Circle the breasts using a feather-like touch, then move to massaging and squeezing them.
  6. Once their body is begging for it, move to the nipples using tracing, pinching, and rolling.
  7. As they come close to orgasm, massage their body up to the neck, head, and scalp. Have them undulate their spine and rock their hips to create arousal throughout the whole body, creating waves of pleasure.

Here’s Psalm Isadora’s full guide to nipple play the tantric way.

Bonus tantra techniques.

Here are a few more techniques to add to a tantra massage or to any tantric sexual practice:

As certified tantra educator and registered nurse Leslie Grace, R.N., tells mbg, tantric sex is as much about the mindset as it is about the physical techniques: “It’s about wholeheartedly celebrating the sacredness of our bodies and desires while bringing a quality of mindful awareness to the shared expression of pleasure.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to broach the topic of sex toys with your partner

By Ashley Laderer

  • To introduce sex toys into your relationship gently, be sure to avoid complaining or critiquing your partner’s sexual performance.
  • You should also be direct with your desires, but willing to compromise based on what your partner wants.
  • Looking for a toy together can also help you to come to a decision with your partner.

If you’ve never used sex toys in your relationship, it may seem daunting and awkward to bring it up to your partner.

But opening a dialogue about sex toys can help with both communication and sexual pleasure — and the benefits don’t stop there.

“Many folks report that using sex toys helps to inject novelty into long-term relationships and their mere presence can help to open the lines of communication with regard to desires, boundaries, likes, and dislikes,” says sex and relationship expert Jess O’Reilly, PhD, host of the SexWithDrJess Podcast.

Here are five expert-approved tips for communicating with your partner to introduce sex toys into the relationship.

1. Frame your desires as requests as opposed to complaints

Your partner will likely be more receptive to the idea of sex toys if you are careful to avoid inadvertently offending them. Many people are sensitive about their sexual performance, so be sure to frame it as an exciting thing to try together, not a replacement for your partner’s body.

To do this, make sure that your communication doesn’t come off as a complaint or criticism, O’Reilly says. She recommends using the following formula:

  1. Start with the positive.
  2. Make an inquiry.
  3. Make a request that includes your partner.

For example:

  1. I loved how it felt last night…
  2. Have you ever thought about trying a toy?
  3. I’d love to try using a vibrator during sex with you.

2. Share how you feel

On top of sharing your desires, you should also share how you feel about utilizing sex toys, says Wright.

She suggests saying something like:

  • “I feel excited about the possibility of bringing X toy into our lives.”
  • “I feel nervous to share the toys that look fun to me.”

Be sure that you’re sharing a true emotion, and don’t be afraid to hold back from your partner.

“It’s really important to communicate your emotions to your partner(s), not just your thoughts,” says New York City-based sex therapist Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT.

3. Be direct but willing to compromise

Sit with yourself for a moment and be clear about understanding what you really want. Let your partner know what you want directly, and then ask them what they think and how they feel.

“It’s a combination of being direct and assertive with what you want with the flexibility of compromise by asking how the other person feels about it,” says Wright.

For example, you can name a specific toy or type of toy that you’d like to try out, and then ask them what they think about that toy. This opens the door for a two-way discussion that takes both of your needs into consideration. 

4. Look for a toy together

Make the toy hunt a collaborative experience.

O’Reilly suggests that you check out some toys together online. This way, you can get a feel for what each one of you is into and make a decision together, compromising if necessary.

Alternatively, you can make a date out of visiting the local sex shop to pick out a toy in person.

“Often, the employees are highly trained in helping you find the best toy for you. It can be a fun bonding experience from finding it, buying it, cleaning it, and using it,” says Wright.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to introduce sex toys into your relationship

By Mark Hay

Bringing sex toys into partnered sex can open up entirely new realms of pleasure for everyone involved.

Toys do things our bodies just cannot, like pulse and vibrate. These novel sensations can help many people have more consistent and frequent — or complex and intense — orgasmic experiences. And the sheer variety of experiences on offer can help couples keep their sex varied and interesting, which certainly helps to maintain desire in long-term relationships.

Sounds good, right? But even as taboos around using sex toys in general fade, sex counselor Aleece Fosnight notes that many still hesitate to broach the idea of bringing a toy to bed with partners.

So, why do we pause when it comes to using sex toys with partners?

The hesitation often stems, at least in part, from persistent beliefs that toys are for solo play, while sex is about two people meeting each other’s every want and need with their bodies alone, explains Fosnight.

Marketing that frames toys as stand-ins for absent partners, or solutions to sexual problems, doesn’t help, adds Amy Boyajian of toy maker and retailer Wild Flower. It leads people — especially straight cis men who rarely engage with toys — to view interest in toys as an attack on their sexual performance, or as sexual competition. (They definitively are not.) And Gretchen Leigh, a sex educator who works with the toy retailer She Bop, notes that people always worry about being weird, so rather than rock the boat, they “assume, ‘this is what this person likes in sex,’ and stay the course forever.”

How to have the sex toy conversations we want to have — and better sex, too

Talking to partners about exploring sex toys does not have to be a daunting or difficult endeavor. A half-dozen sex counselors, educators, and toy experts recently shared a few key tips and tricks for broaching the issue painlessly and productively with Mashable.

Consider the timing

One of the biggest mistakes people make when trying to introduce toys to their partners, these experts said, is attempting to just whip them out during sex. Unless you know your partner is comfortable with you and appreciates surprises during sex, Boyajian says, this “can leave them feeling anxious and pressured,” potentially dredging up insecurities or creating conflict.

Instead, set aside time outside of sex for a conversation about bringing toys into your play. “It’s easy to do in a new relationship,” says sexologist Carol Queen. That’s when you’ll ideally already be talking openly about your sexual preferences and can just work toys into those chats. But talking about sexual preferences takes a level of vulnerability that not everyone feels comfortable with early on. Even those who do may not think or feel able in early talks to broach toys specifically.

And that’s fine. There is no optimal time in a relationship to talk about sex toys. Months or even years down the road, once you’ve started having more open and regular conversations about your sexual wants and needs, you can raise the topic of toys. If you’ve never had a conversation like that, mentioning toys could be a good foothold to open up wider intimate dialogue. If you’re not sure how to start that first conversation, Fosnight recommends framing it as an idea you encountered in an article, in online talk, or during a chat with a friend.

Don’t criticize or apologize

No matter when or how you start the conversation, try not to connect your interest in toys to an explicit critique of or frustration with the sex you’re currently having. That will play right into potential underlying insecurities your partner may hold.

Don’t apologize or shy away from your own desires either, as that’s a good way to build up anxiety and stress on one or both sides of the conversation. Instead, try “coming from a place of exploration,” Boyajian suggests, in which sex toys are one of many exciting things you can try together to see what you can add to your sex life, to bring you both new and great experiences. “Most of us want our partners to have pleasure during sex, and will be willing to seek higher forms of pleasure together,” Leigh notes.

Don’t force the idea

If your partner is not open to the conversation or idea, don’t force toys on them with insistence or ultimatums. Instead, Jenni Skyler, a sexologist who works with adult retail giant Adam & Eve, suggests trying to talk, then or later, about why that idea makes them uncomfortable, then finding ways down the road to address any fears or stigmas about toys or sex that they may harbor. 

Be truly open to the idea of exploration

If your partner is interested in exploring the potential of toys, try not to dictate what that will look like — the toys you’re going to use together and how you’re going to use them. Instead, keep talking, in that first conversation and later on, about the kinds of sensations you both enjoy or are interested in exploring and how you could see toys playing into the sex you already have. Encourage each other to think outside the box of genital stimulation. Talk about the way your ideas overlap or differ. From that place of understanding, you can start to dive more fully into toys.

You or your partner may already have one or more toys you use alone that you’re excited about exploring together. In that case, Fosnight recommends that the partner with a toy bring it into bed at an agreed-upon time and demonstrate how they use it on themself, then guiding their partner, verbally or physically, to join in, or talk through how to try using the toy on or with each other.

You may also want to explore all-new toys together, to find something that fits your unique dynamic as a duo. Boyajian recommends turning toy research and shopping into a couple’s activity, a chance to build intimacy and mutual excitement and expectation. But Leigh cautions against falling into the trap of just exploring toys marketed for couples. There are a ton of guides online, some backed by sexual health experts. Yet they “aren’t in any way guaranteed to work better for couples than any other toys,” she explains.

In fact, many are built on presumptions about their users’ anatomies, and attempt to stimulate both parties at the same time. The same type of stimulation rarely works for two people at once, and many people actually enjoy using a toy on their partners — watching their partner use a toy, or mutual masturbation using two different toys — more than the two-party stimulations on offer.

Be safe…

“Any toy can potentially be used as a couple’s toy,” Leigh stresses. Of course, with so many toys to choose from, the selection can be daunting. Just remember there’s no rush. Take your time to explore your options together: Read toy reviews, consult friends and experts, and, once you do buy one or more toys, explore ways of using them.

Some outlets have published ostensibly definitive guides on how couples can use various toys. But as long as you’re being safe (e.g., not putting toys without a flared base up your anus and using ample toy-safe lube during any insertive play), “then you get to make the rules,” Boyajain stresses. “If it feels good, then it’s right for you!”

And have fun with it

“Be willing to laugh at the toy and yourself,” Skyler adds, because sometimes, inevitably, your experiments will not work out. That can be frustrating, because toys certainly aren’t cheap. You can, however, find good guides online to functional, body-safe toys that will help your engage in expansive rounds of exploration with a partner — without breaking the bank.

And remember, even when things don’t go perfectly or as expected, it’s all part of the journey you’re taking with your partner, and can help bring you closer as well.

And … that’s it! Follow these simple, flexible steps and you’ll be well on your way into the wide and wonderful world of toy-enhanced partnered sex.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Grinding Is the Most Underrated Sex Act

Don’t leave this steamy sex act in high school. It’s worth your adult attention.

By Gabrielle Kassel

Last week during a Zoom birthday celebration, I was mid-professing my love for bump-and-grind hookup action when I noticed some nose-turning happening on the screen. My friends weren’t being judgmental, exactly, but many had taken on the kind of bored expression I reserve for whenever The Bachelor franchise comes up in conversation. Apparently, most of my pals left grinding behind in high school, along with thin-strip eyebrows, slap bracelets, and disc CDs.

While every pleasure-seeker is welcome to their own opinions and preferences, (*insert Carrie Bradshaw voice*) I couldn’t help but wonder: “Are people actively short-changing their pleasure by leaving grinding in the past?”

Obviously, I had a hunch the answer was a big fat YES. But I’m a professional sex journalist, so I took an investigative approach and talked to Taylor Sparks, erotic educator and founder of Organic Loven, as well as other pleasure-seekers who’ve kept the act in their sexual repertoires long after they’d first read The Catcher In The Rye.

Uh, What Do You Mean By… Grinding?

Before we can dive into my thesis statement (that grinding is the best and most underrated sex-tivity), let’s get on the same page about what grinding even is. Really, grinding is any sex act where at least one person is stimulating their external genitals on something or someone.

It can be enjoyed alone using a pillow, the arm of the couch, your own knuckles, or a stuffed animal, says Sparks. Or, it can be enjoyed with a partner. During partnered play, grinding can look like genital-on-genital rubbing, with or without clothes. But, it can also look like genital-on-thigh, genital-on-hip, etc., rubbing, she says.

Grinding can also be known as outercourse, coital alignment, tribadism (vulva-on-vulva grinding), or heavy petting. When all parties involved are fully clothed, it’s also dubbed dry humping, while when all parties are fully naked and rubbing their genitals together, it’s known as scissoring. In what world would a sex act that’s not worth enjoying have that many nicknames? (It wouldn’t!)

Why Grinding Sex Rocks

Two words: Clitoral stimulation. Did you know 73 percent of vulva owners either need clitoral stimulation to orgasm or have better orgasms with clitoral stim? “Grinding gives vulva owners the clitoral stimulation most need to orgasm,” agrees Sparks.

Personally, I enjoy grinding because I enjoy clitoral stimulation, but my glans clitoris (that’s the external portion) is very sensitive. If the little bud is stimulated too much, too fast, suddenly the entire situation becomes a delicate dance of avoiding my clit. Not exactly pleasurable. However, grinding — specifically, clothed grinding — provides a consistent hum of pressure that feels oh-so-good against my clit and manages to do so without overstimulating it.

Sparks adds that the G-spot can also be (indirectly) stimulated by grinding. “The G-spot sits right underneath and behind the pubic bone, so putting pressure on the pubic mound can stimulate that area and offer a really erotic sensation.”

For the record: Grinding can also feel good for people with penises, too. It makes sense if you think about it: What do a hand job, oral sex, and penetrative intercourse have in common? They all involve stimulating the external portion of the penis. “Because rubbing and grinding also involve stimulating the external portion of the penis, they too can be very stimulating for a penis owner,” says Sparks. If penis owners have not been circumcised, “the back and forth motion of grinding can also move the foreskin up and down the penis in a way that can be incredibly stimulating.”

In addition to feeling good, grinding is what Theo, 26, a trans man calls “period-sex proof,” which is why he loves the position so much. “My period gives me gender dysphoria,” he explains. (Gender dysphoria is when someone experiences distress over their biological sex or genitals not being the same as their gender identity.) As such, he doesn’t like engaging in any unclothed sex acts when he’s menstruating. “Grinding sex allows me to keep all of my clothes on during that time of the month, and still receive pleasure,” he says. “Plus, I usually orgasm.”

Dawson, 24, a transfeminine lesbian also credits the position with being identity-affirming for her. “Grinding with clothes on allows me to have orgasmic sex with someone (for instance, a one-night stand) without needing to have a really intimate conversation about my genitals, what I like them called, etc.”

Meanwhile, Courtney, 32, a queer cisgender woman enjoys it because it’s a lower risk activity. “I have herpes, and I’m not on antiretrovirals,” she says. “When I think I may be about to having an outbreak, grinding with our underwear on is one of the ways my boyfriend and I continue having sex.”

She’s right: Grinding is a lower-risk sexual activity — but FTR, in certain circumstances, there is still some risk of STI transmission and pregnancy. If you’re both clothed, the risk of STI transmission is basically zero. If, however, there’s genital-to-genital contact it’s possible for STIs to spread through skin-to-skin contact (HPV, herpes, syphilis, trichomoniasis) or sexual fluids (HPV, HSV, chlamydia, gonorrhea, HIV), too. (Related: Can STDs Go Away On Their Own?)

Pregnancy is possible anytime a person with testicles and a person with an ovary and uterus have penis-in-vagina intercourse. While grinding usually isn’t synonymous with P-in-V, there aren’t any grinding cops, so, if you want to quantify P-in-V as grinding — or use grinding as a precursor of P-in-V — I won’t yuck your yum. Just be aware that pregnancy is possible if those aforementioned requirements are met.

How to Make Grinding Sex Feel Even Better

Trust, these five grinding tips will convert you — and your partner(s) — into fans, too.

1. Dress for the occasion.

“Different types of clothing fabric will generate different types of stimulation,” says Sparks. What feels good to you will vary based on your individual preferences. Denim and corduroy, for example, lend themselves well to intense friction, as do any bottoms replete with seams. Silk, on the other hand, is best for an increased feeling of slipperiness against your bits, she says.

Personally, I like grinding while wearing stretchy leggings or sweats, which allow me to easily spread my legs, and get into a position that makes stimulating my hot-spots easier.

2. Add lube.

Don’t let its nickname (“dry humping”) keep you from adding a little store-bought wetness to your play! Personally, I like to add a little dab of lube between my labia to reduce the discomfort of friction between my downstairs lips. (See: Why Lube Makes Every Sex Scenario Better)

3. Bop in a butt plug.

While I haven’t tried wearing a butt plug during grinding, Carter, 32, and his partner Hannah have. “Hannah wears a butt plug whenever we’re going to a public event,” says Carter. “That way when we sneak off to the coat closet or bathroom to get it on, we can do so with all of our clothes on, and she can still get off,” he says. Hannah, he says, can’t get off from clitoral stimulation alone, but can when she’s being filled anally. (Related: The Best Anal Sex Toys, According to Sexperts)

4. Bring in a buzzy buddy.

Honestly, any type of vibrator can probably be used here, but I recommend wand vibrators.

Just last week I finished unwrapping a new Le Wand wand vibrator (Buy It, $140, babeland.com) when my boo came over. She reached for the glittery thing on my living room table (oh, the life of a sex writer) and turned it on. When I kissed her hello, she began using the buzzy thing on my back. As we continued kissing, she began dragging the wand down my body.

Eventually, she held the wand between our bodies while we bumped and humped against the other’s fully-clothed bodies until, as the Trey Songz bop goes, the neighbor knew both our names.

5. Try standing grinding sex.

“Standing with your partner, and grinding with (or against) them, while one of you leans against the wall can be very sexy and satisfying,” says Sparks. Basically, she recommends recreating the front-facing grinding dance position your middle and high school teachers didn’t allow.

“Adding in a sexy location can take you to an even higher level of sexual heat,” she adds. So, maybe take try standing grinding in the coat closet at your next party. Fair warning: As the aforementioned story suggests, grinding can still be moan-inducing, so you’d do well to mind the noise if you’re in public.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Maintain Your Sexual Health in Long Relationships

– 2021 Guide

The sexual energy between you and your partner is what’s going to define how long your relationship will last. For some people this is still a taboo subject in 2021 but it really shouldn’t be. Speaking of relationships, things in the bedroom can really become dull after a few years. In fact, when you take a look at the statistics and what most sex therapists are telling us on this topic, most clients are those who are already in a relationship for more than four years. This is pretty normal but it shouldn’t be like that. Even after being with someone for twenty or more years, things can still be spicy if you know how to make them spicy.

In today’s article we’ll talk about maintaining your sexual health in a long-term relationship, so without any further ado let’s take a look at what you need to know.

Trying new things whenever you can

Even if you do the most exciting thing in your life for many years it will eventually become boring. It’s just how we humans function. We need change, we need fresh things, we need to adapt and we need to constantly stimulate our satisfactions with something that we haven’t heard or tried before. The same thing goes for your sexual relationship, and this is backed up by many professional opinions of top-tier sex therapists and doctors. Shortly put, you can’t keep things “vanilla” for multiple decades, expecting them to feel like that thrill you had on your first time.

But, feeling bored doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner anymore. It just means that you two need to start exploring and changing things up. This doesn’t have to be anything drastic, not at all actually. Something a new pair of underwear your partner has can be enough to give you that feeling of freshness and re-ignite the spark that can set the fire.

Not overdoing or forcing things in the bedroom

If you are being active in the bedroom just because you think that’s what couples need to do, and not because you feel like being active, things will surely get boring really soon. You shouldn’t force things, and you shouldn’t overdo them either. Whenever you two feel like doing something in the bedroom is the only time you should be doing something in the bedroom. Simple as that. No, there aren’t any rules you need to follow, and it certainly doesn’t mean that your marriage or relationship is about to end because you skipped a day this week. Don’t be silly.

Focusing on self-improvement which can drastically increase sexual energy

There’s nothing more attractive than seeing your partner working on improving in all fields of life. Whether this is physical exercise to sculpt their body in shape, or just trying to improve and become a happier person, it’s the most attractive thing in life. And, your partner thinks the same about you. So instead of just wondering what could be the reason for the lack of sexual energy, start self-improving, and you’ll realize that the problem is already gone.

Now of course, some people have medical conditions that prevent them from “performing” properly in the bedroom, but this is not the end of the story. There are a lot of things you can do to get back your self-confidence. The best thing is a lifestyle change but thanks to technology we have other helpful tools we can use for a boost. For more information you can click here.

Being healthier in all aspects of life, both physically and mentally

Going to the gym, or exercising at home, are both things that can drastically change your quality of life. How? Well, first of all you’ll feel better at all times thanks to the extra happiness hormones your body produces when you are physically active. Next, you’ll have a good-looking body which automatically raises your self-confidence while at the same time it increases the feelings your partner has for you. Being healthier allows you to have more stamina and to perform better in bed. If you want to be happier in your long-term relationship, physical exercise and healthy living are two things that you cannot and shouldn’t disregard.

Communicating with your partner about each and every thing

How do you know what a person likes if they don’t tell you? How can you know what your partner prefers to see or do in bed unless they tell you? Well, the same thing applies to you as well. Unless you are open and communicative about the things you like or dislike in the bedroom, your partner won’t know how to adapt and make those wishes come true. When it comes to sexual things, the picture is not as black and white. Different people have different desires. You can’t just assume that “all women like this” or “all men prefer this” and go with that mindset. Don’t guess, don’t attempt. Communicate. Nothing takes a relationship further than proper, open communication.

Mutual encouragement and accepting “flaws” and imperfections

Sometimes we feel bad about a certain imperfection and that’s perfectly normal. Although it’s silly and dumb, it’s normal. Nobody is born perfect and we all have slight imperfections that make us feel worried. Well, unless someone tells you that it’s perfectly normal to accept who you are, chances are that we’ll keep on living with the feeling of disappointment for a really long time, and this can greatly impact our self-confidence and our performance in the bedroom. Accepting your partner’s flaws and encouraging them to live how they were meant to live is very important. Don’t disregard it as it can be a complete game-changer.

Conclusion

Maintaining your sexual health in a long-term relationship is not the easiest thing unless you know how to do it. Thankfully, we created this guide to help you uncover the secrets of living happily with your partner for many years to come. We thank you for the time you took to read it, and we hope that we helped you learn a thing or two. Stay safe and protect your passion.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Get Back in Touch With Your Sexual Side If You Miss It

If you haven’t felt sexy since 2019—same.

By Patia Braithwaite

It might seem strange to read a story about how to feel sexier right now. It can seem unimportant considering the pressing concerns we’re all facing. Maybe you’re worried about your health, maybe you’re concerned about clear threats to democracy, or maybe you’re overwhelmed by childcare, work, and other pandemic-related stress. If how to feel sexier is the last thing you’re worried about, it’s understandable.

“We have to normalize that if you haven’t been ‘feeling it’ over the last few months, you’re normal,” AASECT-certified sex therapist Stephanie Buehler, Psy.D., author of What Every Mental Health Professional Needs to Know About Sex, tells SELF.

In fact, when facing stressful or traumatic situations, it’s natural to “go back and forth between feeling disconnected as a coping strategy,” psychologist Liz Powell, Ph.D., author of Building Open Relationships, tells SELF. “It can be hard to reconnect with our body because our brain is trying to keep us from feeling fear, dread, and horror.”

So no one blames you if sexiness isn’t top of mind right now (or ever—that’s perfectly valid too). But if it’s a core part of yourself that you’ve been missing or craving, tapping into that feeling can come with benefits. Yes, feeling sexier is helpful if you’d like to have sex or just be more in touch with that part of yourself, but if you’ve spent the last few months as a disembodied ball of anxiety, finding ways to embrace sensuality and sexiness might also remind you of a time before the pandemic. You could end up feeling a little more secure in your own body. It could serve as an excellent distraction from the stresses of life, and if you’re exploring sex with a partner, it could also help you feel closer to each other as a big bonus. Below, you’ll find a few tips from sex therapists to help you feel a bit sexier—if you want—right now.

1. Gauge your baseline sexual energy pre-pandemic.

Before you stress about whether or not you’ve lost your “spark,” try to remember what your sex drive and sensuality were like before, er, all of this. Often we talk about these feelings as if strong sexual desire is a default way of experiencing the world (it’s not). But before you fret too much about even your pre-pandemic sex drive not being “high enough,” try to remember that sexiness and sexuality are multifaceted, and ask yourself what you think might have contributed to feeling less sexual than you would like in the past. Maybe you’ll realize some of those factors have actually changed for the better, like if your sex drive felt “too low” before the pandemic because you were dealing with health issues or relationship challenges that aren’t a problem anymore. If your drive was sort of faint or nonexistent before, be gentle with yourself as you explore. For instance, you might read some books to help you embrace your sexuality, you might consider getting a new sex toy, or if you’re in a relationship, you could try talking to your partner about what you’re feeling. Understanding what feels “normal” for you can help you set reasonable expectations for what “feeling sexy” may look like for you in 2021 and beyond.

2. Carve out time to prioritize pleasure—and remember that it’s important for resilience.

It can be easy, with all of the obligations you’re facing, to talk yourself out of any sexual desires that might be cropping up. In fact, given the Capitol riot, ongoing pandemic, police brutality, and more, it can feel downright silly or even selfish. But it’s not. “You cannot get through the long-term effort that change requires without having times you make for pleasure and enjoyment,” Dr. Powell explains, adding that you should schedule “protected time for self-pleasure” and make it as important as work and social obligations.

3. Recognize that your body has probably changed.

Just as it’s important not to romanticize who you were before the pandemic, remember to acknowledge that a lot has changed over the last few months—and that this impacts your mind and your body. “We are not in the world we were in a year ago,” Dr. Powell says. “That means that the way your body experiences pleasure and the way that your body functions may be different right now.” If, for instance, you’ve found yourself glued to your social media feeds and news (so, most of us), it could be having an impact on your mind and body. Experiencing chronic stress—which involves fight or flight hormones like cortisol and adrenaline—can have a major impact on your libido. So if your tried-and-true ways of tuning into that side of yourself are less effective, Dr. Powell suggests you ask yourself what you need, like, “Do I have to turn off the news and get off Twitter so that my brain can calm down?” It might not directly result in you feeling sexier, but it could help minimize stress so that you can reconnect to your body.

4. Then, adopt an experimental attitude.

To do this, you can revisit things you’ve ruled out or just never considered, and let your curiosity inspire new ideas. Dr. Powell suggests asking yourself questions like, “Does it help me to watch something really steamy? Does it help me to read some erotica? Does it help me to watch some porn or take a long bubble bath?” Trying new things and creating full-blown rituals—like turning off your phone notifications, lighting a candle, and watching a really sexy movie on Netflix—might help you feel a little sexier. You can absolutely experiment on your own, but if you have a partner who is ready and willing to help you get more in touch with your sexual side, you can include them in your experimentation. If necessary, work on moving away from the idea of sex only being one particular act, Dr. Buehler says, adding that you and your partner can find ways to be sensual and affection without feeling pressure to have “full-on” sex.

5. Consider playing around with your decor.

Stay with us here! It might be hard to find ways to feel sensual when you’re spending a lot of time in your house, Dr. Buehler says. “I think that’s part of our sexuality—getting out in the world, having adventures.” Clearly, the pandemic has pressed pause on many people’s ability to safely embark upon various kinds of adventures. But you might be able to bring items into your house that excite your senses a little. If reaching for a scented candle feels like advice you’ve heard before, consider a pillow spray, new perfume, or a fragrant floral arrangement. Dr. Buehler also suggests looking at your environment and making changes like rearranging furniture (maybe that means putting your bed closer to the window so you can feel the sun even if you’re stuck inside, or removing your TV from your bedroom). You might also upgrade your bedding to a softer fabric that feels great on your skin, or you could bring in a plant—somewhere that you see it often—to spruce up your environment.

6. Wear your sexiest pre-pandemic outfit (yup, just to lounge at home).

Much the way tweaking your decor might encourage you to feel a bit sexier, dressing up can help. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to walk around in lingerie (unless you want to). Instead, you might slip on that really cute dress that makes you feel like Rihanna, even if you’re just wearing it at home. It’s not about dressing for a specific occasion. It’s about wearing something that makes you feel good. “I think it’s a good idea to look in your closet and pull something out that you feel good in, even if you feel a little silly,” Dr. Buehler says. If your go-to outfit doesn’t work that same magic—maybe it doesn’t fit like it used to or simply doesn’t make you feel hot—it might be a good time to treat yourself to a new outfit if you have the money.

7. Try yoga or other forms of exercise.

If you’re not feeling particularly sexy at the moment, Dr. Buehler suggests physical practices, like yoga or deep breathing. “It doesn’t have to be a Vinyasa yoga routine, but just doing some breathing exercises, slow movements, or connecting with your body and reminding yourself that you can feel at home in the body can help,” Dr. Buehler says. Additionally, moderate exercise, like jogging or your favorite cardio workout, might help in a lot of ways, including boosting your mood and maybe encouraging your libido, the Mayo Clinic says.

8. Don’t be afraid to talk to someone about your sex life.

To be fair, not feeling as in touch with your sexual side as you like may not top your list of mental health concerns. But that doesn’t mean you have to ignore it if it’s bothering you. If you feel like losing your sexual identity or having a low sex drive is part of a larger issue, or you’re experiencing this along with feelings like grief, sadness, rage, or despair, you might need some support from a health professional. Even if you think that not feeling sexy is NBD, given all of the “other things” to fret over, you might find that talking through your concerns with your primary care provider or a mental health professional has an impact on how you feel overall. And you can work directly with a sex therapist to explore some of your feelings, if possible. “Don’t feel any trepidation or shame,” Dr. Buehler says. “Sometimes just a few sessions can be really helpful.”

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The Best Sex Advice We Heard From Experts In 2020

by Kelly Gonsalves

Amid everything that’s happened this year, it’s possible sex wasn’t your top priority. But here at mbg, we believe intimacy can be a reprieve from the chaos—a source of much-needed relaxation, self-care, and pleasure. Below, here are some of the best tidbits of advice we received from our sexuality experts this year that you may have missed but will always be relevant when you’re ready for them.

Couples need more nonsexual touch.

“I often talk with the couples I work with about the importance of nonsexual touch in a relationship. It is okay to tickle each other, rub your partner’s back or simple sit close side-by-side. Those things are intimate but does not have to lead to sex. It is important for your partner to understand that every time you touch them, it is not always an invitation to jump your bones.”

—Kiaundra Jackson, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist

Remember that you’re in charge of your own arousal.

“Girls continue to be raised with the expectation that their experience of sexual arousal and desire lies in the hands of another. With very little reality-based, concrete sex education to be had in schools or homes, girls, and later, women, don’t always know the intricacies of their own bodies and how they work, what sensations mean or don’t mean, how their sensory and physical responses (or lack of responses) connect to lust, arousal, and love, and even simply what feels good and what doesn’t. If women don’t know these things about themselves and their bodies, how likely is it that a partner will?

Saddling your partner with a disproportionate amount of responsibility for your arousal can limit them and disempower you. It leaves you in a position where you’re dependent on another person for your own sexual engagement. I’m not saying people shouldn’t strive to get to know their partner’s sexuality and sexual preferences or that there’s no such thing as skilled lovemaking. I am saying that expecting your partner to arouse you can set up an all-or-nothing dynamic that blocks your own sexual desire. This expectation has as its subtext, ‘Either you know how to arouse me, or you don’t. If you don’t, we’re not a good match.’ This can lead you down the path of unrealistic hopes and erotic rescue fantasies.”

—Alicia Muñoz, LPC, couples therapist

If you masturbate frequently, mix up your masturbation method every now and then.

“If a person enjoys masturbating in a specific routinized way (e.g. always sitting in a chair, or to pornography, or with a tight fist) and only masturbates in that way, they may notice difficulty maintaining their erectile or reaching orgasm in partnered sex if it doesn’t mirror what they do when they’re alone. To avoid this potential risk, men can try switching things up every so often in their masturbation practice, and they also could add in some of their solo play activities to partnered sex! This could look like watching porn together, trying mutual masturbation, showing their partner how they like to be touched or guiding their hands, having sex in the places you masturbate, or starting with partnered play and then bringing themselves to orgasm in the way they usually do.”

—Shadeen Francis, LMFT, sex and relationship therapist

Have some type of sexual intimacy every 48 hours.

“Usually after doing some initial work with a couple, if both partners are open and willing, I will prescribe some form of sexual intimacy to be shared between the couple at least every 48 hours to speed up their reconnection.

That’s right: some kind of sexual intimacy, every 48 hours.

First of all, when I say ‘have sexual intimacy every 48 hours,’ I’m not talking about penis-in-vagina intercourse exclusively. It’s important for couples to expand their definition of sex to include other forms of sexual intimacy such as sensate touch, sensual massage, manual stimulation, and naked cuddling, just to name a few. There are many types of sexual touch that can be physically pleasurable, and all of it helps couples foster more intimacy and connection.”

—Sara Sloan, Ph.D. LMFT-A, sex therapist

Recognize the link between emotional and sexual intimacy in relationships.

“Emotional intimacy is being able to share your feelings. Being emotionally intimate with another person means being vulnerable and knowing that you’re not going to be hurt by them. This ability to share your emotions, outlook, and feelings grows your connection as a couple.

Sexual intimacy is being able to connect sexually with your partner in an emotionally and physically safe way. Sexual intimacy improves when two people can openly discuss needs, wants, or desires, creating a safe space where both individuals can communicate their physical and sexual needs without being judged.

When you get your emotional needs met and feel emotionally connected to your partner (that is, you have emotional intimacy), then you’re often more able and willing to connect sexually. In other words, emotional intimacy often bolsters sexual intimacy.”

—Kristie Overstreet, Ph.D., LPCC, LMHC, CST, clinical sexologist and psychotherapist

Having a sexual health provider you really trust matters—especially for Black women.

“Sexual communication is not only vital to sexual relationships; it is essential for doctor-patient relationships. Meeting with health care professionals for preventive care and to discuss sexual health concerns leads to a better sex life. Unfortunately, much of Black history in America stems from elements of slavery that has affected several generations. Medical experimentation on Black bodies is not just a thing of the past, and that history comes with understandable mistrust of information and treatment from medical providers. Throughout history, Black women have endured medical mistreatment and tend to feel as if they are unseen and unheard.

More than ever, Black women need access to quality sexual health care and, more importantly, a trusted medical provider. They deserve to feel like their sexual health care experiences are provided in a confidential, respectful, and nonjudgmental manner.”

—Ashley Townes, Ph.D., MPH, epidemiologist

If you open yourself to it, you can access orgasmic energy even without physical touch.

“The basic idea behind the energy orgasm is that we all have this potent stream of Eros within us, this sexual, creative, life force energy flowing and animating our being at all times. This flow is literally available to us continuously, but unfortunately, it’s currently not socially acceptable to fall into an orgasmic swoon in public at any time of the day or night, so we generally hold our energy systems kind of tightly and keep our minds firmly in control of the situation.

Due to a variety of factors, the vast majority of people only know how to access orgasmic energy when their genitals are being stimulated, with some requiring greater levels of stimulation than others to get to that place of energetic expansion and flow. (For some it is still frustratingly difficult to access orgasmic energy even with physical stimulation, possibly because the mind is stubbornly clinging on too tightly. This could be due to past traumas, feeling unsafe in one’s body, the presence of physical pain, negative social conditioning or shame around sexual pleasure, unhelpful belief systems or patterns regarding one’s sexuality, or any number of challenges.)

An energy orgasm can also be called a ‘mind-gasm’ because you only have to ‘let go’ of your mind in a particular way to allow the power of this orgasmic flow to come through. You could say that most people may only ‘let’ themselves access it during genital stimulation, but once you know it’s possible to connect with this energy without direct physical contact, it becomes vastly more available to you.”

—Leslie Grace, R.N., registered nurse and certified tantra educator

“For couples who might be struggling with sexual intimacy but feel connected in other areas of the relationship, I recommend scheduling sex. Yes, I said schedule sex.

This doesn’t mean what you might be thinking it means. And it doesn’t make sex less spontaneous. Scheduling sex is a way to show your partner that you want to prioritize sex just as you do other areas of importance in your life. Scheduling sex doesn’t mean that your sex life will run on a schedule like, every Tuesday, at 8 p.m., in the missionary position, for 6 minutes. No, not like that.

Sometimes scheduling sex is telling your partner to be naked when you get home.”

—Shamyra Howard, LCSW, sex therapist

Reject the narratives about what you “should” be doing with life after 40.

“When you feel trapped in a box, you don’t want to have sex. Truly making love is generative, free, expressive, and creative. It’s a dance that takes place in an open field, not a dark tunnel. Love cannot be confined within walls. Trying to do so makes it die.

This observation points to one of the key findings of my research and perhaps the most important ‘secret.’ It’s not aging that causes our sex lives to decline. It’s the feeling, conscious or subconscious, that we are trapped.

This is why women of all ages invariably have a spike in libido when they start a new relationship and why having a deep spiritual understanding (of something bigger than ourselves) is associated with a better sex life. The truth is we are not and never were trapped. We put ourselves in a prison but forget we hold the key. Outside those walls is a world of infinite possibility.

As I talked with the sexually woke, this theme came up over and over again. These women did not complain about aging; rather, they appreciated their newfound wisdom and freedom and universally described this as the best time of their lives.”

—Susan Hardwick-Smith, MD, OB-GYN

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Your Guide to Lingam Massage

by Eleesha Lockett, MS

If you’re familiar with tantric sex, you may also be familiar with the concept of tantric massage therapy. Lingam massage is a type of tantric massage therapy that involves massaging the penis.

The goal of lingam massage isn’t to simply have an orgasm. Rather, it’s to create a meditative sexual and spiritual experience.

In this article, we’ll guide you through what lingam massage is, how to perform a lingam massage on yourself or your partner, and some of the benefits of this tantric massage therapy.

Tantric massage has a long history of use as an instrument to help develop sexual and spiritual awareness.

Contrary to some modern interpretations of this tradition, tantric practices aren’t purely about sex. Instead, tantric massage therapy involves learning how to build up sexual energy to experience the pure feeling of pleasure.

Lingam massage, derived from the Sanskrit word for “penis,” is a type of tantric practice that involves massaging the penis and the areas around it. During a lingam massage, the body parts that get massaged are the:

  • penis
  • testicles
  • perineum (the area between the anus and scrotum)
  • even prostate

The goal of lingam massage isn’t only to reach orgasm. The ultimate intent is to experience full-body sexual and spiritual pleasure.

Being knowledgeable about technique is important for not only lingam massage but all types of tantric massage.

Here’s the best technique for how to perform a lingam massage on yourself or your partner.

Set the mood

Creating a positive atmosphere and mindset can make a lingam massage an enjoyable experience for yourself or for you and your partner.

Before the massage, make sure to take time to set your intentions and create an open mindset. Doing this can help establish the emotional mood of the massage and allow you to enjoy the experience as something both spiritual and sexual.

To create a sacred physical space that’s warm and inviting:

  • use fresh bedding
  • dim the lights
  • light some candles
  • put on some meditative music

This can help create a comfortable yet sensual environment before beginning the massage.

Prepare the oils

Massage oils help reduce friction and increase sensation during a massage. There are many different types of massage oils, including those with and without fragrances.

For a tantric lingam massage, a scented oil can help increase both awareness and arousal.

No matter what type of oil you choose, something natural and hypoallergenic is best, especially for sensitive skin. Popular natural oils to use include:

  • olive oil
  • coconut oil
  • almond oil

Start slowly

Start the massage by focusing on the peripheral areas, such as the:

  • lower abdomen
  • upper thighs
  • inner thighs

Move your hands slowly and intentionally across the skin, setting the stage for a sensual experience.

If you’re giving a lingam massage and you know your partner’s erogenous zones, massaging these areas can help spark that initial pleasure without moving too fast.

Remember, the goal of lingam massage is to take it slow and experience all the pleasurable sensations.

Work your way up

Now is the time to move your way from the erogenous zones to the more sensitive areas. Begin with the testicles, taking the time to massage this area as gently as possible.

If you or your partner enjoys it, the perineum can be another sensual area to explore.

When you’re ready to move on, move your massage to the bottom of the penis shaft, using gentle stroking motions. As you move toward the top of the shaft and the head of the penis, work slowly and intentionally.

Move inside

If the mood calls for it, and if your partner has consented to it, consider adding some sensual prostate stimulation to your lingam massage.

To find the prostate, gently insert a finger into the anus, angling the tip of your finger toward the front of the body. Once you’ve located it, you can use gentle pressure to stimulate the area.

For some people, prostate stimulation can even lead to a pleasurable prostate orgasm.

Practice restraint

When you feel an orgasm approaching, or you notice that your partner is close to orgasming, take a moment to pull back and focus on another area. You can continue this practice, called edging, throughout the massage for as long as you or your partner enjoys it.

If you or your partner orgasms early in the massage, that’s OK too. Don’t feel pressured to end the massage early. A sensual lingam massage can still be pleasurable even after an orgasm has been reached.

Savor the experience

According to some research in a 2016 review, certain sexual experiences are thought to invoke a trance-like state. With lingam massage, the full-body pleasure that one experiences is often enough to reach that state, which can feel more spiritual than sexual.

You can make the most of this meditative experience by:

  • taking it slowly
  • being present in your body
  • allowing you or your partner to experience both the sexual and spiritual nature of tantric massage

 

While a lingam massage is intended to be a sexual experience, there are many benefits beyond just pleasure. It’s believed that lingam massages can:

  • Promote full body healing. Despite their sexual nature, tantric practices like lingam massage are intended to promote healing. According to Buddhist principles, it’s believed that lingam massage can help the recipient heal from past trauma and align themselves with their spiritual and sexual self.
  • Relieve stress throughout the body. Sex is an activity that benefits the body and mind, with advantages such as increased libido and reduced risk of chronic diseases. When you participate in a lingam massage, you’re combining these benefits with the stress-relieving relaxation of massage therapy.
  • Improve sexual stamina and sexual experiences. Whether you’re interested in increasing your sexual stamina or just learning to enjoy sex more, lingam massages can allow you to embrace this in a safe space.
  • Explore spirituality and mindfulness. Experiencing something in the moment, just as it’s intended, is an example of mindfulness. If you’re a spiritual person, enjoying frequent lingam massages can help you develop that mindfulness practice.

Luckily, this type of tantric massage practice isn’t just limited to people with penises. A yoni massage focuses on sensually exploring the vulva, vagina, and other related areas.

Both types of massage therapy are intended to be a spiritual, sexual experience, so yoni massage shares many of the same benefits mentioned above.

If you’re interested in learning more about lingam massage, yoni massage, or other tantric practices, Embody Tantra is a good online resource to check out.

For those interested in taking courses on tantric practices, such as tantric massages, the Somananda Tantra School offers a variety of professional in-person and online courses.

To find tantra professionals near you for massages or training, you can visit Sacred Eros for more information.

Lingam massage is a type of tantric massage therapy that blends sexuality and spirituality to create an incredibly intimate experience.

When you perform a lingam massage, whether on yourself or a partner, the goal is to observe and experience pleasure in an almost meditative state.

Regular practice of tantric methods like lingam or yoni massage can help improve your libido, reduce your stress, and explore your sexuality in a healthy manner.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!