Category: Sexual Enrichment

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Is your sex life in a lockdown rut?

How to spice things up and feel empowered in the bedroom again (whether you’re single or in a relationship)


By Bianca London

Whether you’re single or in a relationship, lockdown has been a bizarre old time for everyone’s sex life. If you’re sex life is better than ever, we’re happy for you, but for the rest of the nation, either you’re living with a partner and really CBA to keep the magic alive or you’re single and struggling to indulge in sex because, well, lockdown.

With vast times apart or too much time together (!), this year has had a knock-on effect on the sex lives of the nation, according to research.

Brook, the sexual health charity, has partnered with intimate health brand, Canesten, to explore some of the themes that are impacting the sex lives of young people in the UK. According to their new research, almost half (49%) of young women felt that their body confidence has been knocked in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, which was leading to a negative impact on their sex lives.

To get the lowdown on how lockdown has left the nation’s sex lives in a rut – plus to garner some tips on fixing the issue – we spoke to a range of experts – from Confidence Expert Jo Painter to Psychosexual Therapist Kate Moyle, and Brook Education and Wellbeing Expert Amber Newman-Clark.

Low Desire & Libido

One of the biggest impacts of isolation is low desire, which can put an instant blocker on our libido. As Psychosexual Therapist Kate Moyle explains: “The recent pandemic and lockdown has presented a problem for lots of people in that one of the most common presentations for therapy is the description of low desire, or low libido. What we now know is that female sexual desire is largely responsive and for many people being in lockdown has possibly taken away opportunities in which for these responsive desire opportunities to occur.”

This theme isn’t exclusive to those who physically don’t have the opportunity; couples have been impacted too. As Kate continues: “For couples locked down together, a lack of distance and difference stifles desire, which thrives on novelty, excitement and anticipation.” We hear ya.

Kate maintains that being able to talk to our partners about what is going on, what we like and being able to explore together, is a quick-fix for this issue. “We are not mind readers and there is no way we can see into each other’s heads unless we invite them in by telling them. Communication is key to sexual wellbeing and sexual wellness,: she said.

Virtual Comparison Culture

We spent a lot of time online before the pandemic, but ultimately this has increased exponentially continuing to impact our sex lives, as Kate continues: “We now spend so much of our lives online, and are able to see so much of the lives of others through social media. The vulva is most commonly seen in pornography rather than on mainstream television. This can cause women to lack vulva confidence, and stop them loving themselves just as they are. It’s human nature to compare ourselves against others and the challenge when it comes to vulvas in this instance is that so often, we are left with the feeling that how we look is ‘not normal’.

Yet, there is NO normal and if you can bust this, you’re on your way to being sexually confident: “Reinforce the idea that there is no such thing as normal. Try to break away from the stylised images and representations and look at something more realistic like ‘The Labia Library’ or Laura Dodsworth’s book ‘Womanhood, and The Great Wall of Vagina’.”

Vulval Vulnerability

The decline in body and vulval confidence during the pandemic, can make us feel less inclined to be vulnerable with our vulvas, as Kate tells us: “To be sexual with someone is to be vulnerable. Bodies are a range of shapes, colours, sizes, they have different smells and they make noises – that is normal, but so often we fear what may happen when they do.”

We’ll give ourselves positive affirmations when it comes to feeling low generally, but what about extending this to your vagina?

“It might sound cheesy but the way that you talk to yourself matters and is very important. Especially at the moment when we have all been living in a time of high stress and uncertainty. Offer yourself a set of affirmations every morning to get your day started and include your vulva in that. For example, my body is unique. My body is designed to experience pleasure. My vulva and vagina are a part of me”.

Vulval Familiarity

How well do you think you know your vulva? Part of the discomfort and vulnerability we feel around our vulvas is that we just don’t know them well enough, as Kate tells us: “The anxiety that someone might feel about being naked in front of a partner or their partner seeing their vulva can completely inhibit a sexual experience. It stops them from fully being in the moment and experiencing pleasure as they are distracted by negative thoughts. This is because we only have enough available attention at any one time, and so if we are in our heads, we can’t also be fully in our bodies.”

However, there are ways you can overcome this as Kate continues – and lockdown could be the perfect time for a little sexual exploration:

“Get to know your body more. When you are in the bath, shower or just lying in bed at night, familiarise yourself with your body. Just hold your hands on your vulva, and explore it; not necessarily with the focus of it being sexual, pleasurable (which it may well be), or orgasm but just to get to know your body better.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Want better sex?

Audio erotica and mindfulness could be the answer

By Alex Peters

Sexual wellness app Ferly is promoting female pleasure through mindfulness

For Dr Anna Hushlak it’s not about getting off, it’s about how you get there. That’s why she, along with co-founder Billie Quinlan, created Ferly, a safe space for women to help us get in touch with our bodies and learn about our sexuality, desires, and pleasures.

Part of a growing number of apps catering to female sexual wellbeing, Ferly focuses on the self-care aspect of sex with a particular interest in the mental and emotional side. Combining mindfulness and cognitive therapy with self-touch in immersive audio experiences, Ferly guides you through exercises involving body mapping, self-pleasure, fantasies, and nuturing desire so that you can get more sex-literate and have more positive, mindful sex. It’s like Headspace but with masturbation.

“In the UK, 51 per cent of women aged 16 to 64 have reported experiencing three or more sexual difficulties in the last year, everything from pain or anxiety during sex to low libido and issues with arousal,” Hushlak tells me from where she isolating in rural Canada. “For us, having good sexual wellbeing is as important as getting regular exercise or getting a good night’s sleep. It’s one of those things that’s just so fundamental to our health yet we haven’t historically seen it that way.”

Guiding their community on this journey towards sexual confidence and wellbeing is very close to Hushlak and Quinlan’s hearts – they’ve travelled down the same path as many of their community and they themselves are still discovering and navigating what works for them. Both founders have experienced sexual violence personally and shared similar feelings of guilt, shame and stigma around it. “Billie was sexually assaulted at work. I was raped when I was a teenager. And neither of those experiences we really had support around,” Hushlak tells me. “There was a feeling of having to rediscover ourselves and our sexual selves and our autonomy through sex. And that led to Ferly because it’s the support that we wish we had that wasn’t there when we went through it.”

We spoke to Hushlak to find out more.

How would you explain the concept of mindful sex to people who haven’t heard the term before?

Dr Anna Hushlak: It’s about really slowing down. It’s about understanding how you feel about sex, not just how you have it. Most of our education, if we’ve even had an education around sex, has been focused on the ‘doing it’ and it’s often come through a particular lens of heterosexual sex. Generally it’s two people, generally it’s penetrative, and generally it’s considered successful if it results in an orgasm – typically that’s male climax.

For us, mindfulness is about flipping the script. It’s about saying: how do you actually feel about it? What’s your mind-body connection? Have you taken the time to explore and discover your body? Have you taken the time to actually notice sensations in your body, to create awareness of your body? And it’s much more focused on things like cultivating intimacy, on playing with sensation and touch and experience. And it’s really about body awareness and bringing that into your sex life.

Why was an app the right choice for the platform?

Dr Anna Hushlak: Looking through the science around digital interventions and online therapy, there’s quite a bit of research showing that online interventions are as effective as offline and face-to-face. And another big aspect for us is accessibility. When you’re face-to-face, you’re required to be there physically and that assumes that you’ve got financial freedom to get there, that you’ve got physical mobility to get there, and that you’ve got time to be able to get there.

The other aspect to that was that not everybody is comfortable with the topic. If people are in relationships, their partners might not be supportive of it, or it might be kind of a tense topic for them. We know that not everybody is starting in the same place. So an app allows for a degree of privacy and a degree of going at your own tempo and your own rhythm in a way that’s yours and yours alone. An app was what we saw as the most accessible and the most affordable option for people to do that. And it also allows us to tap into countries around the world. We’ve got users in Saudi Arabia, we’ve got users in Argentina, we’ve got users in the Philippines. So it’s meant that we have that global reach in a way that we wouldn’t be able to do if it was just face-to-face.

One of the techniques that you use is cognitive therapy. Can you explain that a little bit?

Dr Anna Hushlak: There’s a really phenomenal researcher, Dr Lori Brotto, who’s pioneered using mindfulness-based cognitive therapy for sexual wellbeing and treating sexual difficulties. The principles of it are a combination of cognitive therapy, which focuses on reframing negative beliefs and ‘head tapes’ or ‘thinking areas.’ It’s different tools and techniques that help you restructure those thoughts so that they’re not so paralysing and overwhelming and you don’t get wrapped up in these thought cycles. That’s then combined with mindfulness-based techniques. So for example, breathwork, body mapping, focusing on non-sexual touch, really tapping into body awareness.

The combination of the two allows us to help our community members reframe a lot of the messaging they’ve been told and the beliefs they have around sex. For example, that good sex results in orgasm and to reframe that more to say, ‘What does pleasure mean to me? What feels good?’ Alongside doing physical practices that help them kind of ground themselves in the moment, either alone or with a partner. So mindful masturbation where instead of taking two minutes to get off, it’s taking 15 minutes to and touch your collarbone, to play with touch on the inside of your leg, to notice the movement of your breath, to play with different feathering techniques on the clitorus and so it’s much more about a combination of mental and physical practices working together.

What has been the effect of technology allowing such easy access to porn on women’s relationship to sex?

Dr Anna Hushlak: Mainstream porn brings up all these issues around toxic masculinity, around performance, around gender roles, around body image and what a body should or shouldn’t look like. We’ve definitely seen rates of labiaplasty on the rise. One of the reasons we decided on audio erotica for the app was because it allows us to move away from body ideals. It also allows us to tap into imagination and fantasy, which we know are incredibly important to healthy sexuality.

The use of fantasy and erotic stimulus is incredibly important in that it allows us to create the context and it helps us to get in the mood, which, or women and folks AFAB is particularly important because for them desire tends to be more responsive instead of spontaneous, whereas for men, it tends to be more spontaneous. Dr Emily Nagoski, writes about this and she describes it as this lightning bolt to the genitals, which is the main story we’ve been told about what desire and arousal looks like. But that’s actually not what most women experience.

Are women more inclined to prefer audio rather than visual erotica?

Dr Anna Hushlak: I’m not sure statistically the difference between men and women in that regard. A lot of our community comes from backgrounds where they’ve experienced sexual difficulties. People who have felt a lot of shame or stigma, whether that’s from trauma or just ‘meh’ average-type sex. Erotica has been a way for them to transition into opening up their own sexuality, whether there’s a difference between their preference for audio or visual. 

I’m completely making an assumption but I would think that because of the nature often of body insecurities and the pressure around women to have a particular looking body, I would say that audio allows for there to be more left to the imagination. Generally, in mainstream porn, there is a typical idea of what you have to look like and audio allows us to just kind of step away from the visual. A lot of us have actually lost the ability or muted our ability to imagine and visualise and fantasise because we’re fed images all the time.

The stories section of the app has a queer section, how have you tailored content specifically towards queer women?

Dr Anna Hushlak: What we’ve found is that thoughts around same sex often fall into two categories: either same sex is wrong or same sex is fetishised. One of our big things is how do we try to challenge our own limitations around thinking about it? How do we try to broaden the conversation around it? Having queer stories in there, but also, when we do our guided practices if we’re talking about people in relationships, not assuming that it’s a couple. It might be a polyamorous relationship. Not assuming pronouns, so by default using they instead of he or she. Making sure that we’re not describing sex as heterosexual penis and vagina penetrative sex, which is the default that most of us have been taught is ‘normal’.

It’s an opportunity for us to challenge those norms and to think about how we can support our queer community as well as how we can learn to be better allies to that community. Making sure that we’re not speaking for but we’re speaking with. I know that the stories are an interesting area for some of the queer folks in our community to start to explore that side that some of them haven’t necessarily had the opportunity to do based on more traditional upbringings or kind of shame and stigma around that kind of cultural taboos.

During lockdown you’ve seen an increase in downloads of 65 per cent and an increase in content such as the Body Mapping being consumed. Why do you think that is?

Dr Anna Hushlak: On one hand, you have the people who are now suddenly in lockdown with a partner and are now having to navigate a much more intense environment. A lot of the topics that came up around that were: healthy communication, fluctuations in desire, low libido, how do you keep your sex life going? On the flip side, we had the community members that were in lockdown on their own. So you’ve got the people that have been maybe using sex as a tool for confidence and self-esteem. So with them you had the switch to starting to look inwards as opposed to externally for validation. Taking the time to re-evaluate what sex means to them and develop a healthier relationship to sex

Then we had the other group of people who were on their own that were coming from a sex-neutral or sex-negative lens where it was like, I’ve never really masturbated before. I don’t really know how to do this. I’ve got a lot of shame or stigma around it, I don’t feel comfortable touching myself. We would see an increase in, for example, body mapping as a practice which is much more around shifting from a perspective of masturbation to self pleasure. Not being focused on this goal of getting off, not masturbating in the same way that we’ve kind of been masturbating our whole lives: vibrator on for two minutes, I’m done, scratched that itch. Self-pleasure is much more of a mindfulness approach: I’m going to just feel sensations in my body and I’m going to explore what I like and what I don’t like, what I may be curious about. And the whole purpose of it is just to be present with my body, not necessarily to come.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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10 Books That Will Help You Score Better Sex

By Theresa Gonzalez

There’s still so much stigma around the topic of sex but these authors don’t shy away from every detail you need to know to score the best kind. From breaking down the science behind it to illustrating ALL the positions, these books will help you and your partner understand more about what it is you’re doing, how to build more intimacy and ultimately have a little more fun in the hay. Enjoy!

Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Dr. Emily Nagoski

Scientists are learning more about how women’s sexuality works and Come as You Are explains it all. One nugget: we all have our own sexuality, like fingerprints, plus learn to understand how stress, mood, trust, and body image are central to a woman’s sexual well-being and how to influence these factors for better sex.

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel

NYC couples therapist Esther Perel, a respected voice on “erotic intelligence,” goes into how to keep sexual desire sustainable when you’re in a long-term relationship/married. Perel’s witty, wise and straightforward advice made this one an international bestseller.

A Curious History of Sex by Kate Lister

Based on the popular research behind her Whores of Yore project, Kate Lister uses humor and a sharp wit to write about the history of sex, debunking myths, challenging stereotypes and making you wonder has anything really changed?

The Little Book of Sex by Joanna Gray

This little book doesn’t take sex too seriously, making it a fun read with fun tips (with a little Karma Sutra thrown in) for you and your partner.

Cosmo’s Sexy Sutra

Cosmopolitan has never been shy about the topic of sex and here the editors have put together a guide of sex positions and hot tips to get you and your someone in the mood.

The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex by Sheila Wray Gregoire

Gregoire talks about the physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects of sex compared to our culture’s obsession on the more shallow aspects. Hear from other “good girls” on how to truly enjoy sex in marriage.

Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex by Mary Roach

The best-selling author of Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers takes another hilarious and OMG look at the science behind making sex so much more satisfying. She answers all the questions: Can you think yourself to an orgasm? Why doesn’t Viagra help women? Is vaginal orgasm a myth? And more.

Position of the Day from Nerve.com

The title says it all: 366 positions, leap year included!, to keep things exciting and calorie-burning (for real, they crunched the numbers) this year and beyond. Grab a rocking chair, cowboy hat and other “equipment” to experiment with your favorite bed buddy.

Unf*ck Your Intimacy: Using Science for Better Relationships, Sex, and Dating by Dr. Faith G. Harper

Dr. Faith, the best-selling author of Unf*ck Your Brain, breaks down the rules (and science) for being in a loving, intimate relationship with yourself and others. This is a great read for those healing from a past relationship and who want to make better choices in the next one, or those looking to rekindle some magic with the one you love.

She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Dr. Ian Kerner

Sex therapist Dr. Kerner details dozens of ways to pleasure a woman and, in turn, find mutual sexual satisfaction. Oral sex, in his book, is the key.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Do You Want Really Good Sex This Year?

7 New Year’s Resolutions To Make That Happen

By Kelly Gonsalves

While you’re plotting out all your New Year’s resolutions for the coming year, why not add in one for your sex life?

We can sometimes forget to consider sex when thinking about what we want from our lives, but sex is an important part of our overall well-being. As individuals, our sexuality is one of the most powerful ways we can connect with our own bodies, understand them, and celebrate them; many studies have shown that positive body image and sexual satisfaction are deeply linked. And for couples? Research from clinical psychologist Barry McCarthy, Ph.D., has found happy couples say sex only plays a 15 to 20% role in their relationship, but unhappy couples say up to 75% of the trouble is related to sex. So yes, sex is always worth a little investment!

Here are a few ideas for sex resolutions you might want to make this year, whether for yourself or as a couple:

1. Make sex a priority again.

Just a simple mindset shift can go a long way. If sexual wellness hasn’t been a big priority for you in the last year or so, consider bumping it back up to be top of mind. Sometimes when you’ve been in the same relationship for a long time or when you haven’t been dating for a while, sex just becomes less important than everything else going on in your life. That’s totally cool—life ebbs and flows, and sometimes your family, or your career, or some other exciting project is what needs your attention. But if you feel like your sex life could use a little TLC, then commit to giving it the same amount of time, energy, and prioritization that you’ve been giving to other parts of your life. Your sex life won’t change until you invest in it.

What does that look like? When you’re choosing between working late and going on that date, pick the date. When you and your partner are deciding how to spend an upcoming free weekend, put sex on the menu of options. Decide that the chores and deadlines and social obligations can wait. When there’s an opportunity for sex, go for it!

2. Invest in your own pleasure.

Whether you’re in a relationship or not, you deserve to have sexual pleasure in your life. If that’s an unfamiliar idea for you, you can even just make your resolution to recite that mantra to yourself each morning: I deserve to have sexual pleasure in my life.

There are so many ways to invest in your pleasure: It could mean making more time for masturbation or figuring out what the heck actually turns you on, or it could mean buying yourself a few new sex toys or some lingerie that makes you feel like a goddess. Or maybe it’s about opening a conversation with your partner about making your favorite parts of sex more of the go-to thing. (For example, you shouldn’t have to be quietly hoping to yourself that your partner is gonna go down on you—just ask!)

3. Learn about sex.

Did you know just learning about the orgasm gap is associated with women having more orgasms during sex? Knowledge can go such a long way in terms of improving your sex life. You might think you know everything you need to know about sex, but here’s what I’ll tell you: I’m a sex educator, and I write about sex for a living. I’ve written literally hundreds of stories about sex, learned from countless sex therapists and couples’ counselors, read hundreds of scientific papers about sex—and I’m still learning new things about sex every day. There’s always more to learn. Especially considering how little sex education Americans receive, you can bet you’ll find a whole lot of new information and ideas from just one book, class, or podcast about sex. Commit to listening to one new podcast about sex, reading one well-reviewed book about sex, or taking a class about sex either online or in person.

4. Address your sexual blocks.

If you know you have a block related to sex, commit to spending this year trying to really figure it out, address it, and heal. That could mean finally seeking out a specialist to figure out why you’re experiencing sexual pain, or going to a sex therapist to talk through your experiences with sexual trauma, or just spending some dedicated time doing the inner work to learn about what’s been holding you back sexually.

5. Commit to variety.

If you’ve fallen into a rut sexually, make this year a year of exploration and experimentation. Maybe that means trying out new positions with your partner and agreeing to, say, making sure every time you have sex includes one position or sexual act that you don’t usually break out. Or maybe it means exploring something truly new and novel for you—something like pegging, going to a sex party, BDSM, role-playing, consensual nonmonogamy, watching porn with your partner, or whatever else you’ve had a little inkling of interest in.

6. Tap into your sexual energy, even when you’re not having sex.

Sex isn’t all about having sex. Weird, I know. One of the best ways to improve your overall sex life is to build more sexual energy into your day. A 2019 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found sexual desire is actually buildable: that is, experiencing sexual desire today increases your odds of having sexual desire and sex tomorrow. Moreover, feeling turned on isn’t just about getting in the mood to have sex. Being able to access that state of mind regularly can be incredibly empowering on its own: Sexual energy can make you feel more confident, outgoing, and flirtatious. Here are a few ways to build more sexual energy into your day.

7. Have more sex.

Hey, when it comes to resolutions, sometimes simple is best! Put sex on the calendar, often. Boom. Happy New Year!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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10 Incredible Books About Sex & Sexuality

By Erika W. Smith

I went to a public high school, but my school took an abstinence-only approach to sex ed. In fact, it was pretty similar to the sex ed scene in Mean Girls — it was taught by the football coach, we were warned that having sex would pretty much ruin our lives, and we all learned absolutely nothing. In fact, the Mean Girls sex ed class was better than the one I took, because at least the Mean Girls coach gave out condoms — mine never mentioned any form of birth control.

Instead, I learned about sex from friends, the internet, and books — and books were by far the most accurate source of knowledge on that list. I’m one of the legions of fans who credit the American Girl book The Care and Keeping Of You for teaching us all about puberty — not just periods, but also pubic hair, pimples, and B.O.

Now that I’m an adult woman and a professional sex & relationships writer, I still read books to learn more about sex. So I put together this list, including some of my favorites, some of my colleagues’ recommendations, and some suggestions from my Twitter followers that I’ve already added to my to-read list.

Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski, PhD

This bestselling book explores the whys and hows of women’s sexuality — asserting that there’s no one “normal,” and it’s useless to compare your own experience to others.

Faking It: The Lies Women Tell about Sex — And the Truths They Reveal by Lux Alptraum

In Faking It, Lux Alptraum challenges the idea that faking an orgasm is a bad thing. Instead, she explores how often, when, and why women lie about sex.  Read an excerpt on Refinery29. 

Queer Sex: A Trans and Non-Binary Guide to Intimacy, Pleasure, & Relationships by Juno Roche

In Queer Sex, trans activist and writer Juno Roche combines her own story with interviews with other trans and non-binary individuals, creating a narrative that offers both insight and practical advice. Read an excerpt on Refinery29 UK.

Mating In Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel

In Mating In Captivity, renowned relationship therapist Esther Perel explores erotic desire, explaining why it’s so hard to maintain it in a long-term, monogamous relationship — and what to do to keep it alive.

The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton

This guide to ethical non-monogamy remains a go-to for people interested in polyamory, two decades after it was first published.

Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good by adrienne maree brown

Writer and activist adrienne maree brown introduces the concept of “pleasure activism,” arguing that, as she puts it, “pleasure is a measure of freedom.”

The Vagina Bible: The Vulva and the Vagina: Separating the Myth from the Medicine by Jen Gunter, MD

Dr. Jen Gunter, who’s become known as “Internet’s OB/GYN” thanks to her viral Goop criticisms, gives us a guide to vaginal health, including yeast infections, painful sex, and “the myth of the G-spot.”

Girl Sex 101 by Allison Moon

This sex ed book features illustrations, instructions, and sex tips from over a dozen sex experts. Moon and Diamond take a trans- and genderqueer-inclusive approach to their suggestions, showing that there are many ways to have incredible sex.

Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free by Wednesday Martin, PhD

Dr. Wednesday Martin challenges myths about women’s supposedly relationship-focused nature, arguing that in fact, women may struggle more than men with sexual exclusivity. Read an excerpt on Refinery29.

Unscrewed: Women, Sex, Power, and How to Stop Letting the System Screw Us All by Jaclyn Friedman

In Unscrewed, Jaclyn Friedman examines the state of sexual power in the United States,  looking at how politics, religion, education, and other factors play into our sex lives.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A glossary for BDSM beginners

A Guide to all the BDSM Terms You Were Too Shy to Look Up

By Charlotte Grainger

If you’re having enough sex, it’s only a matter of time until it grows stale. Eventually, you’ll begin to crave something more than a quick release. You’ll want sex to last—and for physical pleasure to come coupled with psychological stimulation.

That’s where bondage can come into play (no pun intended). But before you can bust out the restraints and sounding needles, you need to know what’s out there. Only then, can you properly ask for whatever it is your secret, greasy, heart desires.

That’s why we spoke to Jess Wilde, a bondage specialist at the online sex retailer Lovehoney. She’s going to help us untangle the unnecessarily confusing lexicon of the bondage world.

BDSM

An abbreviation for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism, BDSM is an umbrella term for numerous sexual practices. It’s not only inclusive of the four principles in the title, it includes elements of roleplaying, dominance, submission, and other related interpersonal dynamics.

Bondage

Breaking down B in BDSM a little bit further, “Bondage is the sexual practice of restraining someone during sex and falls under the umbrella term Power Play,” says Wilde. “Power Play is where one partner takes on a dominant role and one takes on a submissive role. Restraint includes anything from holding the sub’s hands in a certain position to using restraint tools like handcuffs.”

Dominance and Submission (D/s)

Dominance and submission is a set of erotic behaviors involving one person being subservient (or submissive) to the person in control (the Dominant). This can happen in the bedroom through the Dominant (Dom) dictating orders to the Submissive (Sub), but it doesn’t even require both parties to be in the same room. Some Doms never meet their Subs in real life. They simply converse over the phone or email, where the Dom tells the Sub what he or she would like them to do.

“Being a good Dominant involves much more than being able to control and give orders to others,” explains Wilde. “A good Dominant will also be able to practice self-control and respect their Submissive. Dominants should also be responsible enough to decrease the intensity of or stop a scene altogether when a safeword is spoken.”

“Submitting doesn’t mean being weak,” Wilde continues. “It’s a gift to give up all control, to make yourself more vulnerable than most people could ever imagine, and to offer yourself, body and soul, for someone else’s pleasure… And, of course, doing so is also a Submissive’s ultimate pleasure.”

Safeword

A safeword, which Wilde noted while discussing Dominance and Submission is “a word, phrase, or signal which you both agree means ‘stop.’” She continues, “Make sure you agree on a safeword–this is a good starting point for all BDSM activity. A safeword should be easy to remember, easy to say, and should be a word you’d never usually use in sex. A personal favorite is ‘Gandalf!'”

Master/Slave

“In BDSM, master/slave, m/s or sexual slavery is a relationship in which one individual serves another in an authority-exchange structured relationship,” says Wilde. “Unlike dominant and submissive structures found in BDSM in which love is often the core value, service and obedience are often the core values in master/slave structures.”

Animal Play

“Animal play is a special type of role play where one or more participants take on the role of an animal. Animal play is commonly seen in BDSM contexts,” explains Wilde. “Typically the submissive ‘animal’ partner is humiliated or dominated, but sometimes they will take on the more dominant role. Animal play is sometimes called animal role play or pet play.”

Contract

“You may be familiar with sex contracts from Fifty Shades of Grey,” says Wilde. “The contract wasn’t just a figment of author E. L. James’ imagination. In BDSM communities, these kinds of contracts help Dominants and Submissives play with each other safely, both emotionally and physically.”

“By establishing ground rules, each partner knows what’s expected of them. It also makes issues of consent—which is crucial when power exchange and pain are involved—crystal clear.”

Electro-Play

“Electro-sex is sometimes called erotic electrostimulation (e-stim) or electroplay,” says Wilde. “It gives people distinctive tingly, tickly sensations which differ greatly to the sensations achieved with common battery-powered sex toys like vibrators.”

“It taps into the electrical signals that course through the body’s human nervous system, stimulating them to create more powerful sensory reactions. A variety of high-tech sex toys are designed for electro-sex. These include electrified butt plugs, masturbatory sleeves, cock rings, eggs, G-spot probes, and nipple clamps.”

Hard and Soft Limits

“Limits are basically a boundary, a thing you don’t want to do. BDSM often divides these into ‘soft’ and ‘hard’ limits. A soft limit is often an activity that you don’t enjoy and wouldn’t normally engage in, but you may consider doing it for the right person,” says Wilde.

“Hard limits are absolutes. These are the things that you will not do, under any circumstances. For many people, these may be activities or things which trigger bad memories, panic attacks, or other psychological stress. Hard limits can be anything at all, even things that other people consider to be tame or a lot of fun.”

Sensation Play

“Sensation play describes a wide variety of activities that use the body’s senses as a way to arouse and provide stimulation to a partner,” explains Wilde.

“Although sensation play is often related to skin sensations, it doesn’t have to be so limited. Sight, taste, and hearing can also be included in sensation play. Forms of light sensations play include playing with feathers and other soft objects, light blindfolding, and bondage with scarves or temperature play with ice or hot wax.”

“The goal of sensation play is simply to provide unusual and arousing sensations to a partner’s body. It is only limited by one’s imagination and, of course, personal limits, which should be respected at all times.”

Sub-Drop

When the fun and games are over (and the last spank has struck), there’s one last thing you have to remember to do. As Wilde explains, aftercare is an essential part of your play-time and can bring both you and your partner closer together in post-coital bliss.

“Known as ‘sub-drop’, sometimes the submissive partner can feel a wash of sadness when playtime has finished and the endorphins wear off,” says Wilde. “Bondage aftercare is the process of reassuring your partner that you care for them. Lots of hugs, loving touches and an open chat about the experience you’ve just shared are great ways to do this.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Want to have better sex?

Talk about ‘it’ with your partner more, say Texas researchers

Conversation helps sexual satisfaction and desire, especially with partners in committed relationships.

By Derek Beres

  • A new meta-analysis from the University of Texas at Austin finds that better sexual communication leads to better sex.
  • The survey of 48 studies discovered that communication plays a key role in helping with a number of sexual dysfunctions.
  • Both genders benefit in regard to orgasms and satisfaction, while desire is an important component of female sexuality.

We know communication leads to better results. An entire library of business books discuss the importance of honest and, if necessary, tough conversations to drill down and specify potential problems in the corporate environment. The same holds true for societies and politics — dialogue is better than silence. Yet, for some reason we seem to forget that lesson when we get home to slide into bed.

A new meta-analysis from three researchers at the University of Texas at Austin argues for the importance of frank conversation at bedtime (as well as leading up to it). According to their survey of the literature, better conversation leads to better sexual satisfaction, orgasms, and desire levels.

Looking over 48 studies on sexuality, sexual dysfunction, and conversations about sex, the team of Allen Mallory, Amelia Stanton, and Ariel Handy wanted to know if there is a link between sexual communication and sexual function. Are couples that talk about sex better at it?

First, the researchers opened by discussing two different aspects of avoidance. Sometimes couples with sexual problems dodge the topic out of shame, fear, or uncertainty. Likewise, couples that have difficulty discussing their sexual lives might be more likely to encounter problems down the line. They continue,

“Either way, it is likely that sexual function and sexual satisfaction are both directly impacted by sexual self-disclosure, which may protect against future sexual dysfunction and ultimately enhance future communication.”

The pathways that open up possibilities of better sex include the disclosure of one’s preferences. If your partner knows what you like (or hate), you’re more likely to please them. And if such a discussion is had early on, if either (or both) partner change their preferences over time, they’re likely to feel comfortable discussing that change, leading to further trust and pleasure.

Another pathway leads to better intimacy: Couples that are open enough to share their pleasures are more likely to be intimate with each other. Failure to communicate needs and desires leads to the opposite — that is, discomfort and distrust, fomented by a lack of dialogue.

Both pathways are especially important in long-term, committed relationships. The well-known “honeymoon phase” of every relationship creates an addictive chemical cocktail in the brains and bodies of sexual partners. Yet our biology is not designed for sustaining the intensity of this period. Communication, the authors declare, is an essential key to ensuring both partners are pleased as the dopamine and serotonin surges decrease.

The studies the team pored over, which included more than 12,000 participants in all, looked at a variety of topics related to sexual dysfunction, including desire, emotion, lubrication, arousal, erection, and pain. While communication appears to be helpful to everyone involved, Mallory notes that one sex cherishes dialogue more:

“Talking with a partner about sexual concerns seems to be associated with better sexual function. This relationship was most consistent for orgasm function and overall sexual function — and uniquely related to women’s sexual desire.”

From their literature review, it appears that both genders experience better orgasms and overall sexual function when more talking is involved. For women specifically, desire is greatly enhanced with conversation. These links appear to be strongest in married couples.

The authors note that correlation is not always causation. As with every study, they add that more research is needed. The good news is this field might be the most enjoyable for humans to experiment with.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Oral Sex Advice For Men

International sexologist Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright offers some tips on how to enhance the quality of your time in the bedroom.

By

When oral sex is on the table, women have a better shot at achieving orgasm. And that’s not just a random hot take. According to the researchers over at the Kinsey Institute, men have a pretty good shot at attaining orgasm through vaginal sex alone. Women, on the other hand, prove to be much more orgasmic through a variety of sex acts. And yeah, that includes oral sex. Of course, incentives to engage in cunnilingus extend far beyond the promise of orgasm.

Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright is an international sexologist who’s been recognized by the U.S. Secretary of Health as an expert and key leader in the area of sexual and reproductive health. She’s spent the better part of her career steering individuals toward a healthier approach to sex and relationships. And oral sex just so happens to be part of that equation In fact, Fulbright is so enthusiastic about the act she even authored a guide to help instruct men on their approach. Fatherly spoke to Fulbright about how oral sex operates in service to both pleasure and partnership and what men should keep in mind.

Why do you think oral sex is such an important area to explore within a relationship?

When people indulge in sexual experimentation or when a gal gives the green light to let a lover go down on her, there is a certain degree of vulnerability involved. The variety could be a reflection of other things in the relationship that are beneficial, like a strong sense of trust. Unfavorable relationship dynamics can act as barriers, first in a lover feeling up for being adventurous, and then being able to let go knowing that you’re a safe person to be vulnerable with. Consider how you engage your lover outside of the bedroom, and if there are things you could be doing better in building trust.

Why do you think there’s so much ambivalence surrounding oral sex on women?

People are largely unfamiliar with the vulva. They’re lucky to simply learn the names of each intricate part in a high school biology class. Female sexual pleasuring is still a relatively new concept in human history, and for those up for the task there’s still the fear that they don’t know what they’re doing. A number of females don’t even know how to provide a lover with instruction, given they still face the taboo of exploring their sexuality, especially on their own.

Let’s get down to brass tacks. What are some of the most common mistakes men make when performing oral sex?

Some men think that the urinary opening is the clitoris. A number of them don’t warm her up properly. They dive right in, and that can make for a lot of discomfort. Also, any signs of hesitation or being turned off by what you’re about to do can cause her to shut down. Men need to at least come across as confident with what they’re doing.

How might porn have changed the way things are performed?

For better or for worse, people learn from porn. It can show some techniques for pleasuring, but at the same time, it puts a lot of pressure on women to react a certain way, and that includes being able to produce female ejaculation as part of her reaction. One other related point is that some women who have seen the airbrushed vulvas of porn stars may feel self-conscious that their vulvas don’t look as symmetrical, hairless, or otherwise “perfect.”

Is that what motivated you to put together a “guide to going down” for men?

There was a need for a female expert’s guidance and opinion on things. A lot of men would like to learn about cunnilingus from the ladies themselves. I welcomed the opportunity to deliver facts, clear up myths, empower lovers, and equip readers with a number of hot ideas for better lovemaking.

Do you have any favorite “techniques” you’d recommend to someone who isn’t exactly confident in their oral sex skills?

A big part of this is taking your time. It’s about tending to other parts of the body and making her feel good about herself. It’s also teasing as you’re warming her up. Instead of zeroing in on her clitoris and going to town, get the entire vulva wet. Firmly brush over the clitoris on occasion, but tease it. After some build up, firmly push the tip of your tongue against it as you rhythmically massage it, gradually building up the speed and paying attention to signs of whether there’s too much stimulation or if she wants more.

How can more oral sex increase a woman’s odds of achieving orgasm, really?

For a number of women, cunnilingus is the only or most effective way she climaxes. For a number of women, receiving oral sex is necessary if lovers want her to ultimately orgasm. Though, I warn lovers to avoid making orgasm the goal of any kind of sex and to enjoy the ride. This takes pressure off of the situation and people involved, and keeps you in the moment. Hopefully, this means that lovers won’t rush, especially if they know that the woman tends to be more easily orgasmic via oral sex.

Some say that more cunnilingus in the bedroom could help end the orgasm gap. Would you agree? 

Yes and no. For some lovers, more is desirable, especially for women who know this is a primary way for reaching climax, whether as the main play or foreplay. But for ladies who cum as effectively during certain sexual positions involving vaginal penetration, more cunnilingus may not be necessary. Every couple needs to figure out what’s best for them and communicate about that.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to take charge of your sexual energy and revolutionize your sex life

By Kara Jillian Brown

We’ve all heard the maxim that you can’t really love someone else until you love yourself. A few prominent experts contend the same logic applies to sex, sexual energy, and your identity as a sexual being.

And really, it makes sense: “The most important sexual relationship you will ever have is the one that you have with yourself,” says sexuality doula Ev’Yan Whitney. “Your sexuality isn’t meant to be activated by someone else. You are a fully autonomous, sexual human being with your own needs, your own desires. It’s essentially your job to make sure that you cultivate a relationship with your sexuality.”

 

And while masturbation is a great way to connect to your sexuality, Whitney says it’s far from your only option. You don’t need to engage in any physicality at all. Instead of framing sexual energy as something that manifests during sexual activity, she says we can frame our sexual embodiment as a character trait that’s always with us rather than a hat we only wear when things take a turn for the dirty. Think of it as doing energetic kegels—you can access it always and no one has to know. Like, always. Even while sipping coffee or taking a walk or, even watching paint dry, you’re still a sexual being.

 

“Your sexuality is a fundamental part of you that needs to be put into every aspect of who you are,” Whitney says. “I’m not talking about humping things. I’m not talking about like flirting with people. I’m talking about you having a connection and a belief and an intention that says, ‘I am a sexual being here, as I sit, at this at this coffee shop.’ There’s a freedom in that.”

Okay, great, but…um how? Unlike doing something like your daily kegel reps, which you can know you’re doing even though no one else can tell, harnessing your identity as a sexual being isn’t so checklist-friendly. Below, find a few tips tapping into your sexuality in a way that’s uniquely and authentically you.

Become in tune with your senses

Tyomi Morgan-Nyjieb, a certified Authentic Tantra practitioner and certified sexologist, explains that there’s a difference between sensuality and sexuality, and that to best experience the latter, being able to access the former is a necessary prerequisite.

“Sensuality is being connected to your senses. And being connected to your senses means being connected to life, because now, you’re really being aware of how you are taking in, or experiencing the world around you through your five senses,” says Morgan-Nyjieb. “So if we can learn how to tap into that energy through our senses first and learn how to receive pleasure through our senses first, then people will feel more comfortable, when even connecting to their sexual energy. ”

Practice sexual self-care

According to Whitney, sexual self-care can be anything you do that brings “mindfulness and intention to your sexual energy. So it can literally be any sort of self-care act that you do regularly,” she says. “It’s all about, saying affirmations, saying intentions, and being very present to those affirmations and those intentions.”

Really this can be anything, even simply hydrating: “When you’re drinking water, it’s having this intention that I am nourishing my sexual body as as water is coming into my, my belly and like cleansing my pores,” Whitney says. Or, if you’re prepping your skin for a sheet mask, try thinking of washing your face as connecting to your sexual body and your sensuality in the moment.

Learn how to channel your sexual energy and own it

Maybe embodying your sexual energy means dressing to the nines every day, or maybe it means repeating mantras that remind you of your sexual autonomy. “There’s no right or wrong way to do this, because it’s all about mindfulness,” Whitney says. “It’s all about intention, about being receptive, about finding space to connect with your sexual energy.”

Once you’ve found comfort in your sexuality, you can use it to fuel you throughout your day. “Because we all come from sexual energy, sexual energy is creative energy,” says Morgan-Nyjieb. “When people feel aroused, sometimes that’s that creative spirit saying, ‘Hey, you have all this extra energy right now. Let’s put it into the project, let’s put it into making a difference, let’s put it into building up ourselves.’”

And this can make your sexual experiences, both solo and with a partner, more fulfilling. “The more sexual autonomy I have, I’m able to ask for what I want in the bedroom, I’m able to be more connected to my body on like a daily basis,” says Whitney. “It’s a holistic and beautiful way to connect with all parts of yourself.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Couples Should Talk More During Sex, According To Science

By Kelly Gonsalves

Do you talk during sex?

And I don’t mean before the sex starts or after it ends (although both are great things as well). I mean during the actual sex.

If you’re indeed a talker in bed, you’re probably a lot happier with your sex life than the rest of us zipped-lipped fornicators. A new study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy just found that people who communicate in bed tend to be more satisfied both sexually and in their relationships.

To clarify, you can certainly talk with your body: Nonverbal cues, including moving someone’s hand where you want it to go, moaning when they do something you like, or shaking your head when something makes you uncomfortable, all count as forms of communication. Both verbal and nonverbal communication were associated with more communication satisfaction and thus more sexual satisfaction.

“Our findings suggest that use of verbal or nonverbal communication, specifically, is less significant to one’s sexual satisfaction when individuals are satisfied with their sexual communication,” the researchers wrote in the paper on their findings. “In other words, trying to ascribe to a particular communication style may be less important than simply being satisfied within a relationship with a particular communication style.”

To reach these conclusions, researchers surveyed about 400 people about how often they communicated during sex, how they communicated (verbally and nonverbally), and how and how often their partner communicated. The partners also reported how happy they were with their sex lives, their relationship, and the sexual communication within their relationship. More communication of all kinds during sex (whether verbal or nonverbal and whether it was you talking or your partner talking) was associated with people being more satisfied with the levels of sexual communication in the relationship. And being satisfied with the communication was associated with being satisfied with the sex.

In other words, the more people communicate in bed, the better the sex is.

That might seem obvious, but think about it: How often do you speak actual words during? How often do you directly convey to your partner what you do and don’t want while you’re actually in the middle of the romp?

The researchers point to past studies that have suggested people can be really uncomfortable about ruining the mood or getting shut down if they speak up during a sexual encounter:

Some people believe that talking about sex will cause embarrassment or ruin a sexual mood. And some people may be concerned or fear their partner’s reaction to verbally communicating about sex. This fear, in turn, can inhibit open communication. In response to these fears, people may prefer more ambiguous communication in order ‘to test partner responses and save face if the partner does not respond positively.’ Indeed, couples report intentionally engaging in communication tactics to help ‘save face’ and avoid discomfort or embarrassment associated with direct verbal sexual communication. This may be particularly true during a sexual encounter. Given that individuals may be especially vulnerable when engaging in partnered sexual activity, the consequences of a negative partner reaction may have more impact than a negative reaction in a less vulnerable situation.

It’s so important for us to move past these fears of negative reactions. The results of this study prove that everyone tends to be more pleased with sex when the communication is better, both with oneself talking and with one’s partner talking. And there’s nothing wrong with a good ol’ nonverbal cue if that better suits you and helps keep you both in a sexual mood: “Nonverbal communication during sex is often perceived to be less awkward or less threatening than verbal communication,” they write. “It may be less awkward or threatening for a woman to guide her partner’s hand to her genitals rather than directing her partner verbally: ‘Please touch my genitals.'”

Not that a direct ask is ever bad. Having a person you find attractive ask you to touch their anything can be a big turn-on if phrased the right way and spoken seductively. It can give both of you a little bit of confidence.

Clinical sexologist and sex therapist Cyndi Darnell tells mbg that communicating during sex is just a good way to tell your partner what you’re into: “The silence means it’s hard to read what their partner is experiencing, and while it needn’t be a porno soundtrack, a little aural feedback is a great thing!”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Counts As ‘Sex’?

Why We Should Stop Focusing So Much On Intercourse

By Gigi Engle

In the last several months, lots of research has emerged showing that young people aren’t having as much sex as prior generations. Many people interpret this trend as an indication that people aren’t connecting with one another as much as they did in decades prior.

But one big problem with many of these studies is their definition of the word “sex.” The standard barometer of whether sex is happening is whether there’s a man with a penis inserting it into a woman’s vagina.

That’s not accurate.

Intercourse (i.e., a penis being inserted into a vagina) is not sex. Well, it is—but it’s not the only sex there is. It is one act that is a part of a larger umbrella of “sex.” And there’s a lot of sex that happens that doesn’t involve intercourse at all.

Every sex act is sex.

It’s everything from masturbation to manual stimulation to cunnilingus, breast play, nipple licking, blow jobs—all of it. It is all sex.

Sex is everything we do sexually with one another, involving any acts that make us feel sexual pleasure and that we pursue for that explicit purpose. It doesn’t matter how you “get there”; it matters that you enjoy yourself.

It’s time we stop referring to “intercourse” as sex and start moving into a better, more well-rounded understanding of what constitutes sex. By placing all our eggs in the intercourse basket, we’re not only leaving out people in relationships other than heterosexual cis ones; we’re also robbing ourselves of better, more frequent orgasms.

The false hierarchy of sex.

When we claim that intercourse is sex, we automatically place all other sex acts below it. Intercourse becomes “the big show” and the “main event” of a sexual experience. Every other sex act, such as oral sex, anal sex, and hand sex, are considered “less than” or “not quite sex.” This puts nearly everyone at a sexual disadvantage.

For female-bodied people, it completely ignores the clitoris, a crucial sex organ that is central to the female orgasm. Nearly every woman requires external clitoral stimulation to experience orgasm. This rarely, if ever, happens during intercourse without a hand, toy, or tongue involved in tandem. Yet we call oral sex and hand sex “foreplay,” meaning it is the thing that comes before the “big show.” To add fuel to the fire, it is also widely considered optional, providing yet another damaging effect on female sexually.

The term “foreplay” enforces an unequal gender hierarchy: A female orgasm is secondary to a male orgasm. In sex between men and women, defining sex as “intercourse” makes female orgasms an afterthought.

For male-bodied people, it adds a ton of pressure to “perform.” When “sex” is made to be all about a person with a penis being able to thrust it into a vagina, hard erections that last a long, long time become vital to being a satisfactory partner in bed. What if you tend to orgasm quickly from penetration? What if you have a small penis? Suddenly you’re a lackluster lover. This sets the stage for feelings of inadequacy, performance anxiety, and general discomfort around sex. But these negative narratives are all based around an incomplete picture of what sex really is: After all, a guy with a smaller penis who can use his tongue, hands, or a toy is far better equipped for delivering orgasms than one with zero skills and an enormous penis.

And of course, for same-sex couples, intercourse may not even be on the table. What is sex then if there is no P in the V in the game? It leaves same-sex people out of the equation completely.

Where does this misconception come from?

A lot of the confusion stems from inadequate sex education programs, many of which reinforce tired stereotypes, gender norms, and narratives about sex being inherently “dirty” or “bad.” According to the 2018 SIECUS report, “21 states do not require sex education or HIV/STI instruction to be any of the following: age-appropriate, medically accurate, culturally appropriate, or evidence-based/evidence informed.” Furthermore, 32 states require abstinence-only education if HIV instruction is provided.

Even many more thorough sex ed programs primarily focus on pregnancy prevention and STI prevention through condom use, which reinforces that “sex” means “intercourse.” And you’d be hard-pressed to find many sex ed programs that actually talk about sexual pleasure, which might allow for broader definitions of sex. All of this together means the only sex we ever hear about in an academic setting is heterosexual intercourse.

Additionally, part of our stubborn adherence to making intercourse the definition of sex is in service of the virginity myth. Society wants to maintain a clear-cut definition of what makes someone a “virgin.”

Virginity is simply a social construct we created long ago based on the idea that sex is inherently shameful. It was used to differentiate between the “pure” people who haven’t had sex and the “dirty” people who have, and today many conservative cultures around the world still embrace this harmful and false dichotomy.

Sex is a part of the human experience. All people are born with sexuality. It is as normal and natural as eating and sleeping. By placing emphasis on virginity, it inherently makes us feel ashamed of and uncomfortable with our bodies and feelings. This is objectively not a healthy way to live.

Broadening the definition of “sex.”

Would the results of research on sexual activity trends look different if we specifically asked about sexual acts other than heterosexual intercourse? It’s possible. After all, if our fear is about people connecting, shouldn’t we acknowledge that a couple giving each other pleasure through oral alone regularly is just as connected as a couple that has intercourse regularly?

Everyone benefits from new understandings of what makes sex sex. When we recognize all sex acts as equal—part of a beautiful patchwork of human sexual expression—we open up new avenues for education, exploration, and the ability to secure a less shame-laden future for younger generations.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 Ways Seniors Can Get Back To Having Great Sex Lives

By Kelly Gonsalves

Sex is good for your health, and some research suggests it might be particularly beneficial to older people: It keeps your body physically active, keeps the mind sharp, encourages intimate connections with others, and instills a sense of joy and excitement into your life.

Despite the cornucopia of benefits, we don’t talk a lot about seniors having sex. Part of it simply has to do with cultural narratives about sexuality: The dominant image we all carry of what sex “looks like” (as told to us on screens big and small) always involves people who are young, thin, able-bodied, physically fit, and conventionally attractive. The lack of representation or conversation about other types of people having sex contributes to an unspoken assumption that those folks just aren’t doing the deed.

But the truth is, racking up years doesn’t mean your sexual needs automatically vanish into thin air. Sure, your sexual preferences and appetite might shift as you get older, but there’s no reason to believe all people over the age of 60 just suddenly prefer celibacy.

Are 60-year-old, 70-year-old, and older people sexually active?

Yes! They certainly can be, and many are. The 2017 National Poll on Healthy Aging found 40 percent of men and women between ages 65 and 80 are sexually active. Among people in relationships, that rate bumps up to 54 percent. Some studies suggest there might be differences between men’s and women’s sexual interest: One U.K. study found 60 percent of men between ages 70 and 80 are having sex, compared to 34 percent of women in that age group. That said, women over 70 years old report that their sex lives are way more pleasurable now than when they were in their 40s.

Of course, some people as they get older do just become less interested in explorations of the flesh. For many, that has to do with health: Your hormones, sexual responses, and general physical condition may shift with age, making some sexual activities a lot more difficult or just exhausting than they used to be. For others, losing a spouse to death or divorce later in life can also make sex seem less enticing or accessible.

Other than consent and physical safety, there are very few “shoulds” when it comes to sex. If you want to be having sex after 60, 70, 80, or 90 years old, you have every right to pursue an enjoyable and fulfilling intimate life.

The importance of talking about your sexual needs.

A recent study published in the journal PLOS ONE found nearly 60 percent of older people are unhappy with their sex lives. One big reason why? They weren’t talking about it. But those who had asked for support from others, from their doctor to their spouse, were much more likely to be sexually active and sexually satisfied.

Here’s the thing: Most things in life get easier the more we talk about them. When it comes to sex—something that carries so much stigma on its own, let alone the added invisibility of seniors having sex—talking becomes especially important. Moreover, if physical ailments, a sense of isolation, or something about your environment is keeping you from having the sex life you want, it’s important to seek help from others. There’s absolutely nothing shameful about advocating for your sexual well-being: It’s a vital part of your physical, mental, and spiritual health.

If you’re of a certain age and looking to reconnect with your sexuality or simply give a little more attention to your sex life, here are a few ways for you to get started:

1. Ask your doctor.

Especially if you’ve got a lot of other health problems to deal with, your sex life might feel like a pretty low priority and perhaps nor worth bringing up at your next doctor’s appointment. But the truth is, your doctor knows your health condition well and can offer up specific suggestions for how to help improve your ability to have sex, whether that’s prescribing medications or adjusting your health plan in a way that keeps your sexual functions thriving.

2. Find a sex therapist or other professional who works with people in your age group.

If talking to your main health care provider doesn’t feel right to you or doesn’t bear a lot of fruit, try a sex therapist or another professional who can help you feel comfortable and safe exploring your sexual needs. You might be surprised what kinds of services exist out there—sex coaches, sex educators, tantra teachers, sexual healers, some doulas, and many other professionals can all guide you and give you support exploring this part of your life.

3. Open up to your friends and romantic partners about sex.

Communication about sex, both with your partner and with others, can lead to a more satisfying sex life. If you have a romantic partner right now—even if it’s someone you’ve been with for decades—consider speaking with them about how they feel about your sex life right now and whether they’d be interested in reprioritizing it. Tell them what you’ve been thinking about, what the health benefits are, and ways that you’d like to start dabbling in this area again.

Additionally, talking about sex with your friends has been shown to improve sexual confidence and sexual self-efficacy. As you develop comfort talking about this intimate part of your life, you’ll also find it easier to talk about your needs and ask for what you want.

4. Find a community or retreat to help you explore.

If you don’t have close friends who you want to share this stuff with, seek open-minded communities of people in your age group with whom you can engage in more dialogue about sex. Intimacy retreats and workshops can be a great way to learn, reconnect as a couple, and find others who are on a similar journey. (Bonus: If you or your partner feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, or shy about the idea of exploring sexually, these types of events can be very welcoming, approachable spaces to help you open your mind, get more comfortable, and shed some of your apprehensions.) If you’re not sure which events are right for you, you can always reach out to the organizer to get a sense of the target age groups.

The internet is also a vast and wonderful resource for finding such communities in your neighborhood: Google around, look through Meetup.com, or post in social media spaces you feel comfortable with. You can also try asking people in real life who are your age to see what resources they know about. While putting this article together, I spoke with several people who run private groups in their own neighborhoods for discussing senior sexuality.

5. Do some reading!

There are many excellent resources that can provide you with endless ideas, inspiration, and resources about exploring your sexuality at any age. Try these for starters:

6. Expand your definition of what sex means.

This one’s important! As we get older, some types of sex that might’ve been exciting in the past are just less feasible—but that doesn’t mean all sex now needs to be off the table. For example, if sex in the past meant a lot of thrusting and acrobatics, consider exploring other types of sexual expression and activities: Focus totally on using your hands, arms, and mouths, for example, to give and receive pleasure. Plenty of sexual acts will still yield those blissful neurochemical rewards. Cuddling is associated with significantly more sexual pleasure and more sexual satisfaction, for example, and even the brain can be a sex organ. Reading, watching, and creating erotica can be excellent ways to stimulate sexual energy.

There are so many ways to share passion, intimacy, and pleasure, both alone and with a partner, that have little to do with making the headboard shake. Find something that fits with your lifestyle, abilities, and interests.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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7 Books About Expanding Your Sexual Horizons

Spice up your fantasy life without having to interact with another person with these stories of sex and exploration

By Frances Yackel

The theme of education—spiritual journeys, individual enlightenment—pervades much of the literary canon across cultures. Reading the narrative of a protagonist’s heuristic odyssey can open the eyes of the reader as it relates to their own life. Bildungsroman novels allow us to look at our own morals and dispositions, and consider the places in which we can grow. As the hero grows and learns, we grow and learn with them. This is true of novels about sexual exploration. A history of censorship has turned sex into a subject matter only disclosed behind closed doors (or during a 45 minute class in middle school), making it difficult to be comfortable with our bodies and the pleasures for which it lusts. But this prohibition only makes the conversation more relevant.

Written with sincerity and vulnerability, these seven books share the stories, both fictional and non-fictional, of sexual exploration. The characters give us insight into our own journeys; as they learn about their own sexual appetite and biological urges, we make discoveries of our own.

Open Me by Lisa Locascio

In Open Me, high school graduate Roxana, consumed with wanderlust and an awakening sexuality, goes on a study abroad trip to Denmark. Her adventure begins when she meets a beguiling Danish PhD student who woos her and whisks her away to stay with him in a remote town, where he tells her that he has only one key and she cannot leave the apartment while he is out working. Finding herself locked away in a stranger’s apartment in a foreign town, Roxana defies the “princess locked in a tower” trope. Rather than wasting away her time, dreaming of her prince or brushing her long golden locks, she takes the opportunity to explore the intricacies of her body, reflecting on her previous and current sexual experiences, to learn about her desires. Locascio writes about sex (and masturbation) with a vivid realism that no male writer could ever achieve.

The Pisces by Melissa Broder

For this hydro-erotic story, Melissa Broder pulls from her own insecurities and idiosyncrasies relating to sex. According to The New Yorker, Broder “could only orgasm when she imagined people vomiting” during her developing years. With the same vulnerability she uses to tell the public about her own sexual pleasures, she develops a protagonist willing to succumb to a lust for marine carnality. An addict to the feeling of being desired and adored, Lucy recognizes the same need in her partner, whose quasi-merman body has made him believe he will never receive love.

The Arrangement by Sarah Dunn

Sexual exploration and education goes far beyond adolescence and even young adulthood, it can exist even within the boundaries of a permanent relationship, even within the time honored tradition of marriage. With the changing of bodies and situations, with lives in constant flux, growth can be incessant. When the married couple in Sarah Dunn’s novel recognize this, they make a sincere effort to progress rather than stay in place. The Arrangement tells the story of an open marriage between Owen and Lucy, in their attempt to reclaim their marriage while simultaneously sanctioning one another’s implicit sexual desires. The Arrangement plays with the periphery of what has been long considered, in many parts of the world, the conventional way to live a life alongside one monogamous partner.

The Argonauts by Maggie Nelson

Using lyrical prose that bewitches from the first page and poignant references from philosophers, pediatricians, and writers, Nelson writes about her life with a nonbinary partner. Nelson’s style, which vacillates between poetry, theory, and memoir, offers the reader a sincere look into what it means for her to love, and lust after, someone who does not fall within the confines of the binary social construction of gender.

 

 

Modern Lovers by Emma Straub

Educating yourself on sex and lust is one thing, educating your children is entirely another thing. In Emma Straub’s novel, set in modern day Brooklyn, two families simultaneously explore what it means to be in a relationship, whether it’s a lifelong connection or a newly flourishing one. While Jane, Zoe, Elizabeth and Andrew struggle with their own relationships after the death of a mutual college friend and bandmate, their respective children begin a fling. The juxtaposition of experienced and inexperienced, old and new, offers an interesting perspective on the development of sex and love—of growth from the one into the other.

Orlando by Virginia Woolf

One of the first English novels about someone changing gender begins with, “He—for there could be no doubt of his sex…” Long before the public acknowledgement of gender fluidity, Woolf weaves the tale of a woman born in a man’s body—or a man who becomes a woman. Orlando lives hundreds of years, is exposed to centuries of chauvinism, and encounters the mistreatment of the female’s body from the perspective of a person who has lived on the other side of the coin. Orlando illuminates the brutal history of gender politics while recounting the experience of a person who lusts after both men and women.

The Awakening by Kate Chopin

Lusting after a person can inspire a passion for creation. Edna, a married woman, learns this when her appetite for sex is aroused by a neighbor at the boarding houses on Grand Isle where she is staying for the summer. When autumn sets in and Robert—her muse—is gone, Edna continues her fervency. Now, the object of her fervor is no longer a man, but art. Her romance with Robert catalyzes a desire to create beauty. Edna rides on the high of that inspiration, forgoing the social norms of women of the time to zealously chase after the feeling of bringing something beautiful into existence. A feeling not unlike creating a bond between another person where before there was only unfamiliarity.

She Came to Stay by Simone de Beauvoir

Sexual exploration can be as painful as it can be pleasurable. Simone de Beauvoir, a cited expert on the condition of human suffering and the subjugation of women, wrote this novel loosely based on her relationship with Jean Paul Sartre. She Came to Stay follows the story of Françoise and Pierre as they invite a third person into their lives. Through these three characters, de Beauvoir examines the inherent paradox of love and desire; how can we feel the freedom of individuality that love promises us when we depend on the other to give it to us? As per the deep-rooted existentialism that pervades all of her texts, She Came to Stay is an investigation into meaning through the magnificence and monstrousness of sex and love.

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9 New Year’s Resolutions For Exploring Your Sexuality In 2019

They Will Make You Feel Empowered AF

By

After the shimmery dresses come off and the Champagne hangover comes on, you may find yourself looking at your “resolutions” as a means to doubt how amazing you are. So, I’m going to cut to the chase: You’re beautiful and amazing and your weight, your clothes, and your skincare routine don’t need to change. But if you’re feeling stuck in a sexy rut, manifesting some New Year’s resolutions for exploring your sexuality in 2019, can be a fun and empowering way to feel more in tune with your body.

At it’s best New Year’s can be an empowering time to set intentions for the future and cultivate gratitude for the past. Taking a moment to focus on all you’ve made it through in the past year can propel you take the next 12 months head on. Whether you’re single, dating, or on a self-inflicted six month vow of celibacy, exploring your own sexuality can be a cool way to learn about your body, it can also be really fun. Of course, when trying new things, you may find out the stuff you’re not into. And if something’s not floating your sexual boat, you never need to push your boundaries, no matter the month.

Here are nine resolutions aimed at feeling in tune with your sexy side in 2019.

1 I will take time to day dream about what I want.

Sometimes we don’t even know what we’re into because we’ve never thought enough about it. Take some time to fanaticize and daydream about your desires. Think about what makes you feel sexy, and ways you can bring those feelings into the bedroom.

2 I will get it on with myself.

Knowing what physically feels good for your body may mean some self-discovery. Taking time to touch different parts of yourself, in sexual and non-sexual ways can be a great way to sense how and where you like to be touched.

3 I will not be ashamed to read or watch sexual media.

There’s no shame in reading about sexuality, erotica, or even wanting to watch sexual material. If you have questions, urges, or know some things that pique your interest, reading articles or watching videos can be informative and sexy.

4 I will journal.

Journaling about the best sex you’ve had or things you want to try can help you remember what has worked in the past. Having yourself literally sit and write can be a structured way to really dig into your sexy side while strengthening your ability to articulate your desires.

5 I will talk about sex.

Opening up a dialogue with the people you’re sleeping with or even with friends you feel comfy sharing with can be a great way to understand other people’s perspectives and feel validated in your desires. Hearing that others have shared your experiences or desires, even swapping tips and advice can make you feel less alone, and give you some sexy inspiration.

6 I want to take some (healthy) risks.

If you’ve always wanted to go to a bar by yourself, or try having sex wearing a blindfold, the New Year can be a time to roll the dice (within reason.) Of course, your well-being is the most important thing and if something is way out of your comfort-zone or kinda dangerous, there’s no need to feel pressure to perform. But if there’s something fun you’ve always wanted to try, like a new move or a new naughty night club, Jan. 1 may give you the boost you need.

7 I will do more of what feels good.

There is nothing wrong with having a plan or knowing what works. If you’ve found what works for you, it’s also awesome to continue to do that. Routine doesn’t need to be boring. Knowing what makes your sex good and enjoyable sex and doing more of that, is a great way to go into the new year.

8 I will pump myself up.

Your biggest cheerleader should be yourself. Whether it’s looking at your body in the mirror and saying positive affirmations to singing Cardi B songs or spending a little more money on a haircut, doing more of what makes you feel sexy, and puts you in the mood is a great way to explore your body and sexuality.

9 I will cut myself some serious slack.

If you’ve farted during sex, if you’ve tried to sexy talk and ended up laughing, if you’ve set up a sex swing and landed butt first on the floor — you don’t need to feel ashamed. It’s OK for sex to be funny, for it to be awkward, silly, or gooey and romantic. You don’t need to be a ballerina sex-kitten with grace, perfect hair, and no bodily functions. Remembering you cut yourself some slack in the streets and in the sheets can keep you feeling strong and good about trying new things and feeling what works.

As we look to the New Year, may we relinquish all the bad dates, idiot people, and terrible sex we dealt with in the past 12 months. Having empowering resolutions about exploring your body and your sexuality can help when manifesting our future plans. Feeling yourself and knowing what you’re into can really help the New Year come in with a bang.

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New Studies Show That Marijuana Enhances And Increases Sex

by Sara Brittany Somerset

Recent scientific studies substantiate what many marijuana users have claimed all along — that it enhances sexual relations. Currently, almost all research into the effects of the cannabis plant is prohibited by the U.S. government due to its classification as a Schedule I substance. However, 31 states and the District of Columbia have legalized medical marijuana, while nine states have also legalized adult use of recreational marijuana. Legalization benefits academia, as it finally allows researchers to study and analyze marijuana’s effects, including its impact on sexual intercourse.

According to a research study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine (JSM), entitled the Association Between Marijuana Use and Sexual Frequency in the United States: A Population-Based Study, the goal of the study was, “To elucidate whether a relation between marijuana use and sexual frequency exists using a nationally representative sample of reproductive-age men and women.”

The analysis represented 28,176 women and 22,943 men nationwide who were surveyed by the Center for Disease Control (CDC) via a questionnaire. The CDC’s broad, all-encompassing survey is often utilized by researchers as a basis for further, more specific analysis.

Researchers Dr. Michael L. Eisenberg and Dr. Andrew J. Sun are both affiliated with the Department of Urology, at Stanford University, in California. The duo accessed the CDC’s study to research marijuana’s effects on male sexual and reproductive function, which is Dr. Eisenberg’s area of expertise. As such, he sees men with various forms of sexual dysfunction. As for medical or lifestyle factors that may influence function, he is often asked about what role, if any that marijuana may play.

The clinical implications of their study revealed that “Marijuana use is independently associated with increased sexual frequency and does not appear to impair sexual function.” In fact, daily users across all demographic groups reported having 20% more sex than those who have never used cannabis.

Dr. Eisenberg thinks doing more research in this area is important. Previously, most doctors had generally counseled men that marijuana, like tobacco, is harmful. However, his current study suggests that may not be the case.

An additional JSM-published study entitled, The Relationship Between Marijuana Use Prior to Sex and Sexual Function in Women, conducted at Saint Louis University in Missouri claims, “The internet is rife with claims regarding the ability of marijuana to improve the sexual experience; however, scientific data is lacking.” The objective of this study “is to determine if marijuana use before sex affects the sexual experience, by how much, and which domains of sexual function are affected.”

In this survey, researchers polled 133 sexually-active adult women at one particular, academic ObGyn practice, during their annual check-ups. The female patients filled out a lengthy questionnaire regarding marijuana use before sex (hashtag #MUBS).

Thirty-eight women (29%) disclosed consuming cannabis prior to copulation. Of those 38 women, 68 percent reported more pleasurable sex, 16% said it ruined their sexual experience, while the remaining 16% were undecided or unaware.  

Among the enhanced sexuality camp, 72% said it always increased their erotic pleasure, while 24% said it sometimes did. Almost 62% said it enhanced the quality of their orgasms and their libidos in general. Additionally, 16% of MUBS adherents disclosed they purposefully puff pot prior to sex, specifically to relieve any potential pain associated with the act. There were conflicting reports as to whether or not it enhanced vaginal lubrication.

The same research team later widened the scope of their survey to 289 adult MUBS women, with similar results: 65% decided it enhanced their sexual experience, 23% said it did not matter one way or the other, 9% had no significant feedback and 3% said it sabotaged their sexual experience.

Dr. Monica Grover of Asira Medical is double Board certified in Family Medicine and Gynecology, with practices in both Midtown, Manhattan and Westchester, New York. Although she did not participate in either clinical study, she is currently conducting independent research.

“Although some studies have shown results that are equivocal, anecdotally patients have reported positive feedback,” says Dr. Grover.

“Consumption of small quantities [of marijuana] prior to sex may increase libido in female patients, which in turn can release positive endorphins and increase vaginal lubrication.”

Dr. Grover believes this may be due to the short-term anxiolytic of cannabis.  In women. Reduced sexual libido in women usually correlates with any anxiety or stress they are experiencing. So, in the short-term, cannabis has anxiety-reducing effects. However, in the long-term, it can increase anxiety, which may explain the lack of libido in possible habitual users. Dr. Grover is currently working on a study to determine this theory.  

Notable clinical implications among male users reported in the Stanford study were that Cannabis does not impair sexual function nearly as much as alcohol does. Nor are there any contraindications of mixing marijuana with other drugs for sexual performance enhancement such as Viagra or Cialis.  

Additionally, and perhaps most importantly, unlike alcohol, so far there is no direct correlation between marijuana consumption and a significantly increased risk of fatalities.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), an estimated 88,0008 people (approximately 62,000 men and 26,000 women) die from alcohol-related causes annually, making alcohol the third leading preventable cause of death in the United States.  The Journal of the American Medical Association corroborates these findings. The first preventable cause of death in the United States is tobacco use and the second is poor diet combined with physical inactivity. These findings may help build the case for consuming cannabis to become more sexually active to benefit one’s overall health.

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