Sex therapists on 20 simple, satisfying ways to revive your lost libido

— Losing your mojo is very common, but it can be overcome, whether through self-love, putting down your phone – or even a sex ban

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Most people will experience a loss of sexual desire at some point in their life, be it due to parenthood, a health condition, hormonal changes, grief or other reasons. But how can you overcome this? Sex therapists and educators share the secrets to getting your mojo back.

1. Be aware that it is incredibly normal

“Fluctuations in desire are a natural part of the human experience, influenced by different life stages,” says Chris Sheridan, a psychotherapist and founder of The Queer Therapist in Glasgow. “We’re not robots,” says Natasha Silverman, a Relate sex and relationship therapist based in the Cotswolds. She has helped couples who haven’t had sex for decades and says this is one of the most common reasons people seek advice. “It is very normal for relationships to go through periods when couples aren’t having sex, or one person wants to and the other doesn’t.”

2. Mood is often a factor

Addressing this is the first step. “External life stresses and anxiety all put the brakes on sexual desire,” says Silverman. “If you are stressed and overwhelmed – worried about the kids or there are problems at work – it’s not going to be quite so easy to get into that headspace.” Medication such as antidepressants can also have an impact on sex drive, she adds.

3. Have a medical check-up

It is important to see a doctor about loss of libido. If people are describing anxiety, depression or other symptoms that may be connected to a health issue such as the menopause, “we do suggest that people get checked”, says Silverman. “For example, someone may have erectile difficulties that are putting them off sex. But if that is a chronic problem, it can be indicative of something like heart disease.”

4. Talk to someone outside the relationship

Find someone to confide in, says Silverman. This could be “a friend or a professional. Someone who can normalise it, help you look at why this might be happening and take the shame out of it. Think about when things changed and what might be making it more difficult.” Try to work out, “what it is that made you feel as if your mojo isn’t there any more”, says Dami “Oloni” Olonisakin, a sex positive educator and author of The Big O: An empowering guide to loving, dating and f**king.

5. Be prepared to talk to your partner

When you are ready, talk to your partner about how you are feeling. This could be in a therapy space or on your own. “Your partner will already be sensing that something has changed,” says Silverman. “And if you’re not talking about it with them, they are going to fill in the gaps, most likely with their own anxieties: ‘They don’t want to be with me any more’; ‘They don’t find me attractive’; ‘Maybe there’s someone else.’ So be upfront and honest.” Most people are too ashamed to work on stale, long-term relationships and be more creative about seeking pleasure together, says Todd Baratz, a sex therapist in New York City. It doesn’t “necessarily mean getting out the whips and chains, it just means communicating about sex, talking about what your sexual needs are”.

‘Set aside time each week to explore each other’s bodies.’

6. Single people struggle with desire, too

It is not only those in a relationship who experience a loss of libido. Silverman says she is seeing increasing numbers of single people who “want to iron out mistakes from previous relationships” and women, in particular, who have become used to “minimising their needs”. There are a lot of myths that need to be busted about the G-spot and what a healthy sex life looks like, she says. Being single is a good time to figure out what works for you “and make yourself more robust”, for your next relationship or sexual encounter.

7. Work out what desire means to you

“Society often normalises saying ‘yes’ to things we may not genuinely want to do, a behaviour that can permeate our relationship dynamics,” says Sheridan. “Expressing our true desires and practising saying ‘no’ enables us to transition into healthy communication characterised by negotiation and mutual consent.”

“What is really important,” says Miranda Christophers, a sex and relationship psychotherapist at The Therapy Yard in Beaconsfield, “is that both partners have the desire for desire. If somebody’s motivation for intimacy is because they know that their partner likes to have sex and they need to do it to keep the partner happy, that wouldn’t necessarily be a positive motivator. We try to get them to work out what they enjoy about sex, what they are getting from it.” That could be pleasure in the moment or a sense of connection afterwards.

8. In most couples, one person will want sex more than the other

“This phenomenon is not exclusive to heterosexual couples,” says Sheridan. “It presents similarly within same-sex and sexually diverse relationships”, in which there can be “an additional layer of complexity emerging due to the pervasive influence of heteronormativity”. “Desire isn’t necessarily gender specific,” says Baratz. “It is often assumed that men want sex all the time and women want to be seduced, and that’s not the case. People have a wide and diverse expression of how they desire, regardless of their gender.” That said, men tend to experience spontaneous desire, whereas women are more responsive, says Christophers, and desire may only kick in at the point of arousal.

9. A sex ban can be a good place to start

Silverman says many therapists will encourage couples to abstain from sex and masturbation while initial conversations are taking place, before introducing affection for affection’s sake that won’t lead to something else. Plus, “telling someone they can’t have sex tends to be an effective way to get them in the mood”, she says.

10. Looking back is crucial

As with any kind of therapy, considering past experiences, positive and negative, can help to process problems in the present. Sheridan explains: “Examining a client’s sexual response history across their lifespan allows us to discern whether the change is a situational occurrence or a longstanding pattern. A crucial aspect of this involves understanding the current and historical dynamics of their relationships.” Silverman adds: “We look at their first relationships, the potential obstacles that are in the way of them being able to let go sexually, any health problems, trauma or historic sexual abuse.” “Trauma has a huge impact on our sensory system,” says Baratz, “and sex is all about sensory experiences, so it’s going to potentially decrease the way we feel safe or connected to our senses. That means that we need to be with a partner we feel safe with.”

11. Rediscover non-sexual intimacy

This could be “kissing each other before you leave the house or playfully patting your partner on the bum as they walk past”, says Oloni. “Different things can help reignite that spark, so when you are back in bed you’ve done things throughout the day that remind you your partner still desires you sexually and is attracted to you.” Sensate exercises, in which couples are encouraged to “set aside time each week to explore each other’s bodies, focusing on the feeling that they have themselves when they are doing this”, are helpful too, says Christophers.

12. Scheduling

This isn’t for everyone, says Silverman, as it can make sex feel like even more of a chore. But it can be helpful for some, especially if young children are getting in the way. “Schedule a romantic date night or time to find different ways to get in touch with that side,” says Oloni. For new parents, Christophers advises: “Even if it is just for an hour, go somewhere else and create a more adult space together.” Baratz recommends “planning sex instead of relying upon spontaneity and declaring our schedules are too busy”.

13. Self-love is everything

“Emphasising self-love is integral,” says Sheridan. “As it empowers individuals to honestly articulate their needs and desires, building more authentic and fulfilling sexual and emotional intimacy in the relationship.” Take care of yourself too: shower and put on fragrance, says Baratz. “Exercise plays a big role in cultivating a relationship with your body.” He encourages “yoga, if that’s pleasurable, or massage or a spa day or a bath bomb – anything that is a sensory experience that feels good and will reinforce the connection that we can feel with our body”. “When you walk past a mirror, tell yourself how beautiful you are,” says Oloni. “How lucky anybody would be to be in your presence naked.”

14. Work on body confidence

This could be through “buying yourself new lingerie that makes you feel sexy”, says Oloni. “You need to find that confidence within yourself then present that to your partner. I used to work in Victoria’s Secret, and I remember a woman came in who had just had a child and she burst into tears because a bra looked good on her. That has stuck with me because it really does take the right type of underwear to make you feel sexy again, or to see yourself in a different way.”

15. Faking it can be counterproductive

Again, this is very common, thanks to people getting sex education from mainstream pornography, says Silverman, which often suggests women need to have penetrative sex to have an orgasm, whereas about 75% of women require clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. But “every time someone fakes an orgasm, they are showing their partner the exact wrong way to make them climax – there is a sexual dishonesty there”, she says. “Some people do struggle to reach orgasm, which is known as anorgasmia. This can be a result of medication, trauma or trust issues that haven’t been explored. But generally speaking, people can reach orgasm on their own. We recommend that people get to know their bodies by themselves and what does it for them, before expecting a partner to know what to do.”

16. Pornography doesn’t have to be visual

“There is a difference between ethical and non-ethical pornography,” says Oloni. “And it is important to understand what has been created for the male gaze.” She points to other forms of erotica that can be accessed, such as audio pornography and literature. “There are so many different mediums you could get that sexual rush from, but I don’t think people truly explore. It’s usually the same link or bookmark of a favourite porn site or video. I think it’s important to mix it up, especially when it comes to fantasising. They say that the biggest sexual organ that we actually have is the brain. It’s so important to fantasise in different ways instead of just one.”

17. Think about ‘sexual currency’

“This is a term that a lot of sex educators are using now,” says Oloni, “which is designed to help you find that desire and spark in your relationship. It could mean cuddling more on the sofa when you’re watching a movie, or it could be remembering to kiss your partner before you leave the house.”

18. Write down things you want to try

This helps if you can’t say them out loud. Work out what they are and send over an image or link, suggests Oloni. “Write them down on bits of paper and put them in a pot,” says Christophers, so you can pull them out and potentially try something new. “Create an opportunity for playfulness,” she says. “A bit more intrigue, a bit more mystery.”

19. Variety is the spice of life

Oils, toys and other aids can be useful after body changes due to the menopause, having a baby or other health conditions, says Christophers, as is trying different positions. “Think about comfort and practical things, such as using lubricants.”

20. Put down your phone

For those who would rather go to bed with their phone than their partner, put it away. “This comes up a lot,” says Christophers. “I’m not saying don’t ever bring your phone into bed,” says Oloni. “But that could be a time where you up your sexual currency. You’re in bed with your partner. This is where you should feel your most relaxed but you can’t really unwind when you are on your phone, you’re still taking in so much information. You could use that time instead to not necessarily have sex, but just be still, hug, spoon or giggle with your partner.”

Complete Article HERE!

The book on erotica

— Sharing erotica stories can be a way for older couples to rekindle the romantic spark.

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Many adults continue to enjoy active sexual lives well into their 70s and beyond. However, it’s common for couples to fall into ruts. One way to spice things up — and perhaps strengthen your relationship in the process — is to read erotica together.

“Reading and listening stimulates your largest sexual organ: your brain,” says Dr. Sharon Bober, director of the Sexual Health Program at Dana-Farber Cancer Institute. “Reading erotica as a couple creates a safe environment to communicate desires and explore fantasies together. You are allowing yourself to go to an exciting place that feels outside your comfort zone, and it can be a wonderful way to break up your bedroom routine.”

What’s in a name?

Erotica is not the same as pornography. Whereas pornography is primarily visual and not very creative, erotica can be more evocative and verbal and allow you to participate mentally and emotionally.

“Erotica is about stimulating sexual desire through storytelling, imagery, fantasy, and language,” says Dr. Bober. “It’s about setting a mood and slowly building a response. Ultimately erotica is focused on building arousal and anticipation.”

How should couples begin to explore erotica? Dr. Bober says the first step is to broach the topic with your partner. “It’s rarely a good idea to suddenly surprise your partner with something that might feel a little uncomfortable or outside of one’s regular comfort zone,” she says. “Phrase it in terms of how it’s something you want to try together and ask your partner whether this is something they would be interested in. And ask your partner to share their thoughts about it.”

For instance, say, “I want to find ways to reconnect that feel good for both of us, and here is something that might be fun to explore together. Is it okay to talk about it?” You can slowly approach the topic without intimidating your partner by asking for permission. “In this way, erotica can feel less taboo and something more normal, fun, and healthy to try,” says Dr. Bober.

Checking out a reading list

Next, choose erotica to sample together. Erotica is more popular than ever, and older adults have become a growing demographic. Nowadays there now are many erotic novels, erotica-focused websites, and short story anthologies available that cater specifically to older adults. (You can find a wide editorial selection with a general Internet search and via websites for publishing houses and booksellers.)

“One aspect of the erotica experience can be discovering different types and styles together to see what you both enjoy or find interesting to explore,” says Dr. Bober.

She suggests beginning by reading a short story together. “Have one person read aloud, or take turns, or just read to yourselves and then share your response,” says Dr. Bober. “Short stories are ideal because if it’s something you or your partner don’t find stimulating or interesting, you can go to the next one.” Another option is to listen to an erotic audiobook or podcast together.

Keep in mind that it may take time to find something you both enjoy. “Be patient and don’t get discouraged if nothing clicks right away,” says Dr. Bober.

As you become more comfortable, sharing erotica can carry over to your sexual relationship, but don’t force it. “Erotica can be used as foreplay or just something enjoyable you share together without any expectations,” says Dr. Bober. “Have fun with it and see where it takes you.”

Complete Article HERE!

Lit Hub’s Guide to Sex in the 21st Century

— The History of, the Study of, the Writing of, and Just Doing It

By Literary Hub

We’ve published a lot of about sex over the years, and for the fake occasion that is Valentine’s Day (thanks a lot, Chaucer), we’re opening the vault. From the dildos of whalers’ wives to the Magic Mike Live XXX revue, with pit stops at foot fetishes and BDSM and a productive detour into the craft of writing, this is your guide to sex in the 21st century.

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SEX, the HISTORY OF

How people wrote about sex in the Middle Ages  ♥  There once was a dildo in Nantucket  ♥  How John Donne learned to write love poetry  ♥  Centuries before Fifty Shades, a runaway hit about kinky sex  ♥  A steamy letter from Henry Miller to Anais Nin  ♥  Hosting an orgy? This 1970s cookbook has you covered  ♥  Writing desire in the Regency years  ♥  Group sex therapy at the local synagogue (or, reading the sexy bits of the Bible)  ♥  Why are we so afraid of female desire?  ♥  Everything I know about sex I learned from Edna St. Vincent Millay  ♥  One man’s literary crusade to uncensor sex in America.

SEX, the STUDY OF

Here’s the quick and dirty on foot fetishes.

What pornographic literature shows us about human nature.

Learning about BDSM—by doing it myself.

How capitalism created sexual dysfunction.

How does focusing on the self affect a woman’s sex life?

Conceptualizing the vagina, a “dark and vicious place.”

SEX, the WRITING OF

Some fundamental principles for writing great sex  ♥  Melissa Febos on what a sex scene should do  ♥  The best sex I ever had was (also) a narrative structure  ♥  The ways in which writing may or may not resemble sex  ♥  Writing sex for money is hard f*cking work  ♥  In praise of sex writing that’s about more than being sexy  ♥  Why sex scenes are not only feminist, but necessary  ♥  The literature of bad sex.

SEX, I’VE HAD IT

The under-celebrated erotic power of… hamantaschen.

The disorientation and relief of owning my submissiveness.

Moved to tears at the Magic Mike Live XXX revue.

Learning about sex from Samantha Jones.

On phone sex, first writing jobs, and unexpected teachers.

My job writing custom erotic love letters.

Complete Article HERE!

Exploring the ornate and provocative at NYC’s Museum of Sex

The entrance to Super Funland, an erotically themed amusement carnival at the NYC Museum of Sex. The museum describes its mission as intending to “preserve and present the history, evolution and cultural significance of human sexuality.”

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“I hope you leave feeling different than when you came in!” a cheery museum attendant calls to a group of people as they exit a small theater labeled “Tunnel of Love,” having just finished experiencing a “four-dimensional, abstract, artistic rendition of an orgy.”

Equal parts education, art and entertainment, the Museum of Sex draws attendees in with its playful advertising and taboo subject nature, with an interior that sparks thoughtful conversation about a wide range of topics. Queer identities and inclusion, the entertainment industry, pregnancy, abortion and sexual exploitation are all explored through historical artifacts, film and art. The museum describes its mission as intending to “preserve and present the history, evolution and cultural significance of human sexuality.”

The museum spans four floors and is cyclical in nature, both beginning and ending in a large gift shop. After entering through the store, there is a staircase that leads to the first floor, which is made up of a large room full of historical paraphernalia housed behind little windows. There seems to be no categorical order to the items, which include adult toys and clothing, anatomical models, OBGYN tools and explicit “how-to” guides. Many of these items were donated to the museum from personal collections of important activists in queer and sexual liberation scenes. All items are accompanied by notecards that not only explain the inventions and functions of the artifacts themselves, but also the historical and political context of the time they were made and any controversies that may have arisen due to their creation.

NYC’s sex museum invites you to take a risqué ride through history!

The second floor is an art gallery currently showing an exhibit titled “F*ck Art: The Body and its Absence.” The exhibit showcases pieces of art that explore themes of sexuality and identity from artists of many different cultural backgrounds, including works by Native American 2Spirit, Latinx, African American, Asian, Caribbean and Queer and Disabled artists. Many of these artists are also native New Yorkers. The gallery includes sculpture, painting, photography, mixed media and film pieces that display a variety of attitudes towards sex and sexual liberation.

The third floor currently houses an exhibit called “Porno Chic to Sex Positivity: Erotic Content & the Mainstream.” This exhibit explores the history of sex and sexual exploitation in American media starting from the 1960s, all the way up to that of the current day. The room begins with walls of magazine advertisements and props from television commercials with notecards that detail the sexual controversy that followed their airing. The tales of outrage were spurred by anything from the sexual exploitation of women to the placement of women in traditionally male positions of sexual power.

Past these artifacts there is a theater proudly displaying a banner with the words “Scandalous Scenes of Cinema” printed across it. Inside the theater, visitors are welcome to sit and watch both implicitly and explicitly sexual clips from mainstream movies that have scandalized audiences since their airing. Along the back wall of the room, behind the cinema, is a series of tall stalls labeled respectively with a decade. Aiming to present the evolution of sex as heard in music, visitors can step inside a stall to listen to music and watch the accompanying music video from each decade. The final wall of the room is dedicated to artifacts, much like the first floor, but relating to sexuality specifically within the music industry.

The third floor serves not only as the final floor of the museum, but the first floor of “Super Funland,” the accompanying amusement to the museum and the reason so many bachelorette parties frequent the building. Super Funland echoes the three-floor nature of the museum, but flowing down the stairs instead of up. To enter Super Funland, visitors are guided down a hallway featuring old carnival pictures and mirrored dioramas depicting the underground, risqué history of carnivals while they wait to be seated for the next showing of a six minute film about the history of the carnival, starting from ancient Greek times all the way up to today. After the film, the museum’s very own “Erotic Carnival” begins.

After exiting the film there is a large hallway with kaleidoscopic video footage from Coney Island that leads to a room of traditional carnival games — with a rather provocative twist. In Skee-ball visitors are assigned a different “God of Sex” as their icon, claw machines contain sperm and eggplant shaped pillows, the bounce house is fashioned out of balloons shaped like female breasts, and the entrance to the “Tunnel of Love” promises viewers an incredibly unique, four dimensional experience.

Going down the stairs to the second floor, one will immediately be welcomed by a spinning sign that says “Pornamatic,” where budding stars can step into a photo booth to see their faces on the — X-rated — silver screen. This room is perfect for couples, with a machine that dispenses wedding vows and rings, as well as a game where couples who kiss for at least thirty seconds can spin a wheel to win prizes. Most of the room is dominated by a collection of pink posts that you can climb up to reach a slide, with the entrance fashioned to look like a red-painted mouth.

The slide is long, winding and contains rainbow multicolored lights that blink wildly as you slip down to the first floor. The first floor contains the museum’s bar, as well as several themed photo booths and a few more carnival games. Exiting will bring you back into the same gift shop that houses the entrance, though with a renewed sense of wonder at all of the items within.

Overall, the Museum of Sex does a wonderful job of balancing “business and pleasure,” ensuring an educational, but never dull, experience for its attendees. Tickets include both museum and Superfunland admission, as well as one round of each carnival ride and game. It’s easy to win little knick-knacks for free as souvenirs, in case a friend asks you what you were up to this weekend. The elevator is currently non-operational due to ongoing repairs, so anybody in need of accessible accommodation is encouraged to call ahead to ensure a smooth experience. Admission is solely for those 18 and up.

Complete Article HERE!

How to Watch Porn With Your Partner

If both of you are interested in it, viewing porn together can bring a new level of fun and intimacy to your relationship. Here’s how to bring it up — and a few best practices to keep in mind.

by Kelly Gonsalves

Pornography is often exclusively relegated to people’s solo sex lives — that is, they only ever watch it when they’re alone. But in addition to being a very helpful masturbation aid, viewing porn can be a fun erotic activity to share with a partner. The question is, how should you bring up watching porn with your wife or husband?

Now, first thing first: There’s a lot of research out there about the impacts of porn, and the results are fairly mixed — some find negative effects on people’s relationships, some find positive ones, and some find none at all. When it comes to watching specifically with a partner, however, a lot of research has found good news: One study published last year in the journal Frontiers in Psychology, for example, found couples who watched porn together actually report happier relationships and higher sexual satisfaction than couples who don’t.

I’ve picked the brains of various sex therapists about porn use over the years, and while it can be a controversial topic for some couples, it can also be a surefire erotic boost for others. Jessa Zimmerman, a licensed couples counselor and AASECT-certified sex therapist based in Seattle, notes that lots of couples enjoy consuming adult content together, and it can be a healthy part of a couple’s sex life if both partners feel good about the activity. Some sex therapists even recommend viewing sexual media as one of many ways to help couples reinvigorate intimacy.

“Porn, like any other erotic media, can be fun and interesting for many people. What we choose to watch or consume reflects what we find erotic and arousing,” Zimmerman tells Fatherly. “And imagery in our minds — whether from viewing a video, imagining the scene we are reading in a story, or our own fantasy — engages our brain as if we are in the scene, as one of the actors or as an observer.”

Sharing this experience as a couple can help partners become much more intimate with what turns each other on, Zimmerman notes, not to mention serve as powerful fuel for arousal to kick off a sexual experience together.

How to Talk About Porn With Your Partner

If you’ve never talked to your partner about watching porn together before, Zimmerman suggests bringing it up when you have time to discuss it. Suggest it as an idea that might be fun to explore together, and ask them what they think.

You might also consider trying to bring up the concept of porn into the conversation first and then segue into the idea of watching together. Or you can bring it up during a conversation specifically about trying new things in bed.

When you do have the discussion, pay attention to the energy in the room and your partner’s mood and body language — make sure this is something that’s interesting and exciting for you both before you proceed with actually trying it.

As you probably know, porn can sometimes be a divisive subject. Some people feel very uncomfortable with the concept of it or the idea of their partner watching it, so it’s important to check the temperatures before you suddenly suggest the idea of viewing it together.

That said, conversations about pornography, while potentially uncomfortable, are important for couples to have, especially if you suspect your partner might have a problem with it. Much of the research that’s found watching porn can have a detrimental impact on relationships is in fact not about the impacts of the media itself but rather the impacts of the lying, secrecy, and feelings of betrayal that can stem from discovering a partner’s porn habits years into a relationship.

“It’s important to understand someone’s objections to porn,” Zimmerman adds. “If they are concerned that it involves other people at all — like, ‘you should only imagine me’— that might be a bigger conversation.”

If you’re struggling to move through these big conversations, a few sessions with a sex therapist can be helpful.

Watching Porn Together: Best Practices

If you do decide to try watching a few clips as a couple, here are a few best practices to keep in mind to keep.

1. Figure out where your interests overlap

“You want to make sure that whatever content you choose is appealing to both people,” says Zimmerman. “Often, we find different things erotic than our partner does. So what you may enjoy on your own may not turn your partner on (and may even turn them off). That’s why it’s best to talk first about the idea of watching something together and what type of content you’d like to view.”

She suggests swapping links to the kind of material you each enjoy to see where there’s mutual interest. “I certainly advise doing this with an open mind and no judgment. The goal is to understand what is erotic to your partner, and for them to learn the same about you. Then you can look for the places where there is overlap between what you each find arousing.”

2. Make it a bonding activity

Watching porn together should be a way for the two of you to connect as a couple over shared erotic stimuli and learning each other’s fantasies. Talk about the scenes as you’re viewing them, identify what’s hot and interesting to you, and feel free to touch each other if you get inspired. Importantly, most people don’t find it fun to feel like your partner is absorbed by an actress on the screen and just using your body as a stand-in. Keep your focus on sexually connecting with your partner and pleasuring each other. The porn is just there for arousal and inspo.

3. Remember the fantasy principle

It’s important to remember that porn is just a fantasy, and it’s often not representative of how sex works in real life between real people — or even what people would want to actually do in their real lives.

“We can find things appealing in fantasy but have no interest in actually doing them,” Zimmerman notes. “Be aware that your partner may find your interest in porn or erotica as a symbol of what you must want in a partner or want in real life, and they could find that scary or worry that they don’t look like the people in the films. You may need to find ways to describe why something is arousing to you and why that doesn’t impact your enjoyment of your partner and of your sex life.”

4. Consider other formats

Some people find it easier or more fun to opt for other types of erotic media, such as written erotic stories or audio erotica. These non-visual formats allow couples to explore sexy themes and fantasies without having to look at specific other people’s bodies.

5. Keep checking in

Watching porn can be a lot of fun. It can also stir up some complex emotions and worries, especially when doing it with a partner and suddenly seeing in vivid detail what gets them off. If you do decide to explore this as a couple, make sure to keep checking in with each other before, during, and after to make sure you’re both continuing to feel good about it. Remember to stay connected to each other throughout the experience, and keep each other feeling sexy and satiated.

Complete Article HERE!

5 Powerful Changes To Make To Your Sex Life In 2022

By Kelly Gonsalves

It’s 2022, and conversations around sexuality have evolved tremendously. We know more than ever before about the science of orgasms, fostering desire, and all the different ways we can experience sexuality. There are virtually infinite resources out there, from books and podcasts to courses and retreats, dedicated to helping us tap into all the good feelings to which our bodies have access.

If it’s been a long while since you last prioritized your sex life, consider this your invitation to enter into the new year with an intention of rediscovering your erotic self and all the ways in which you can experience sensual pleasure in your body, soul, and partnerships. For inspiration, we asked sexuality experts to offer some tangible, straightforward ideas for how to actually better your sex life. Here’s what they recommended:

1. Talk more about sex.

“One of the most powerful changes couples can make to their sex life is to talk more about sex,” says Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, AASECT-certified sex therapist and author of Reclaiming Pleasure.

To have great sex, you must be able to talk about it. When was the last time you talked to your partner about which types of touch you like the most—and least? Do you know your partner’s wildest fantasies? What are the things that make them in the mood for sex—and not in the mood for sex?

“If neither partner knows what the other’s expectations, desires, or needs are around sex, there isn’t much chance of continually making it better,” Richmond says. “Couples that talk about sex can have better, more exciting sex the longer they are in the relationship, which is exactly the opposite of what we’ve been told to believe, that sex gets worse or more boring the longer you are together.”

2. Start a regular masturbation practice.

Whether you’re single or partnered, sex and dating coach Myisha Battle, M.S., recommends making time for solo sex at least once a week.

“It’s a great way to stay in touch with your sexual energy as well as learn about what your body likes,” she explains. “Allow yourself to explore your desires through porn or erotica, have fun, and take notes about what you like and don’t like!”

Some people may feel uncomfortable masturbating when they’re in a relationship, or they let their masturbation practice subside in favor of partnered sex. But Battle says anyone and everyone can benefit from masturbating regularly, including people in long-term relationships.

“Masturbation can help you be less dependent on your partner’s availability for sex. This change opens up so much for people who overly rely on others to be sexual. You can be your most reliable source for sexual pleasure no matter what your relationship status is,” she says. 

3. Start a mindfulness practice.

Whether or not we realize it, what we do outside the bedroom can have a big impact on how we feel when we’re actually having sex. That’s why one thing that licensed psychologist and AASECT-certified sex therapist Lauren Fogel Mersy, Psy.D., L.P., recommends to those seeking better sex is to start a mindfulness practice.

“A regular practice of being present in the moment without judgment may transfer to your sex life, which will likely improve your experience,” she explains. “Being present in the moment is when sex can feel most pleasurable and connected. It’s when we are most in touch with our bodies and our partners.”

Learning how to be present in your body in general—such as through meditating, breathwork, or other mindfulness exercises—can help you be more aware of the pleasurable sensations your body is feeling during sex (i.e., sex will feel better).

4. Explore eroticism.

What does eroticism mean to you?

“We each have things that we find arousing,” AASECT-certified sex therapist and licensed couples’ counselor Jessa Zimmerman, M.A., tells mbg. “You can tune in to yours by thinking about your best sexual experiences, your fantasies, and your response to various erotic media.”

Zimmerman recommends taking time to explore what you find erotic and then (if you’re in a relationship) sharing that with your partner—and asking them about their version of eroticism, too.

“Approach this with curiosity and a whole lot of openness rather than judgment or criticism. Then, play in any overlap you find,” she says. “This doesn’t mean you have to do the things you fantasize about, but you might find it hot to talk about, role-play, or fantasize together that it is happening or about to happen.”

5. Commit to some novelty.

If you’re in a long-term relationship, Zimmerman recommends making an active commitment as a couple to prioritize novelty.

“Decide you’re going to find something new to do together every month. You can change the location or setting, delve into each other’s sexual interests and fantasies and find something you haven’t done (or not done in a long time, anyway), or find a great yes/no/maybe list to get some ideas you may not have considered before,” she says. “Approach this with a spirit of adventure and exploration; it doesn’t have to go without a hitch.”

Complete Article HERE!

Ancient Greek and Roman erotic art

Explicit erotic art was common in ancient Greece and Rome. Sex is ubiquitous in the black-figure and red-figure vases of Athens in the 6th and 5th centuries BC. The Romans were also surrounded by sex.

Mosaic depicting Leda and the Swan, from the sanctuary of Aphrodite in Paphos, circa 3rd century AD. It is currently located at the Cyprus Museum in Nicosia.

By Craig Barker

LP Hartley’s saying “the past is foreign” is rarely held more firmly than in the field of sexuality in classical art. The erotic images and depictions of the genitals, especially the phallus, were very popular motifs in a wide range of media in ancient Greece and Rome.

Simply put, sex is everywhere in Greek and Roman art. Explicit sexual expression was common in the Athenian black-figure and red-figure vases of the 6th and 5th centuries BC. They often have spectacular confrontations in nature.

The Romans were also surrounded by sex. Bronze carved as a chinchin nabla (wind chime), often found in the gardens of Pompeii’s house, is carved in relief on a famous wall panel that tells us the famous habitat Felicitas from a Roman bakery. (“Happiness dwells here”).

But these erotic acts and classic images of the genitals reflect more than a culture of sexual attachment. The depiction of sexuality and sexual activity in classical art seems to have had many uses. And while our interpretation of these images is often censored in modern times, it reveals a lot about our attitude towards sex.

A modern reaction to ancient erotic art

When antique collection began in earnest in the 17th and 18th centuries, the openness of ancient eroticism embarrassed and embarrassed the Enlightenment audience. This embarrassment was exacerbated after the excavations began in the rediscovered Roman towns of Pompeii and Herculaneum.

The Naples National Archaeological Museum’s Gavinette Segrate (the so-called “secret cabinet”) best represents the modern reaction to classical sexuality (repression and repression) in art.

The secret cabinet was founded in 1819 when King Francis I of Naples visited the museum with his wife and little daughter. Shocked by the blatant depiction, he ordered to remove all items of sexual nature from sight and lock them in a cabinet. Access is restricted to scholars with “mature age and respected morals.” I will. In other words, it was only a male scholar.

A metal shutter was installed in Pompeii itself because the explicit materials such as the mural paintings of the brothel were preserved as they were. Until the 1960s, these shutters restricted access only to male tourists who were willing to pay extra.

Of course, the secret of the collection in the cabinet was sometimes difficult to access, but it only increased its fame. John Murray’s Handbook to South Italy and Naples (1853) sacredly states that it was very difficult to obtain a permit.

Therefore, few people have seen the collection. And those who have it are said not to want to visit again.

The cabinet was not open to the public until 2000 (despite protests by the Catholic Church). Since 2005, the collection has been exhibited in a separate room. The object has not yet been reintegrated with modern non-sexual crafts, as it did in ancient times.

Literature also felt censors’ anger, and works such as Aristophanes’ plays were mistranslated, obscuring “unpleasant” sexual and catalog references. Unless trying to claim moral and liberal dominance in the 21st century, the depiction of the infamous marble sculpture of bread mating with the goats in the collection still shocks the modern audience.

Censorship of ancient sexuality is probably best reflected in the long tradition of removing genitals from classical sculpture.

The Vatican Museums, in particular, were famous for (but not limited to) modifying classical art for modern morals and sensations. In the case of irregularities, it was common to apply carved and cast fig leaves to cover the genitals.

It also showed the modern willingness to associate nudity with sexuality and would have embarrassed the ancient audience, where the physical form of the body itself was considered perfect. Have you misunderstood ancient sexuality? Yes, yes.

Ancient porn?

It is difficult to determine how much the ancient audience used explicit erotic images for awakening. Certainly, the erotic scenes that were popular on board would have given the Athenian party an exciting atmosphere over a glass of wine.

These types of scenes are especially popular with kylix or wine cups in the tond (the center panel of the cup). Hetaira (cans) and Polnai (whores) are likely to have attended the same symposium, so the scene may have been used as a stimulus.

In the late Greek and Roman eras, the painted eroticas were replaced by molded depictions, but their use must have been similar.

The Romans’ application of sexual scenes to oil lamps is probably the most likely scenario, and the object may have actually been used in a romantic scene. Erotica is often found in molded lamps.

Phallus and fertility

Ancient Greek erotic art
Delos Museum.

Female nudity was not uncommon (especially in connection with the goddess Aphrodite), but the phallic symbol was at the heart of many classical arts.

Fars is often depicted on Hermes, Bread, Priapus, or similar gods of various art forms. Its symbolism here was not considered erotic, but was related to protection, reproduction, and even healing. We have already seen phallic use in various home and commercial situations in Pompeii, which clearly reflects its protective properties.

The helm was a stone carving with a head (usually Hermes) on a rectangular pillar, on which the male genitals were carved. These blocks were placed on borders and borders for protection and were so highly regarded that many people said that when the Athens Herm was destroyed before the Athens fleet departed in 415 BC, this was the Navy. I believed it would threaten the success of the mission.

The famous frescoes of the House of the Vettii in Pompeii depict Priapus, the minor and guardian deity of livestock, plants and gardens. He has a huge penis, a bag of coins, and a bowl of fruit at his feet. As researcher Claudia Moser writes, this image represents three types of prosperity: growth (large members), fertility (fruits), and abundance (bags of money).

It is worth noting that a casual look at the museum’s classic sculptures reveals that the bare gods and heroes’ penises painted in marble are very small. Classic cultural ideals often value small penises over large ones and surprise the modern audience.

All the expressions of the big penis in classical art are related to desire and stupidity. Priapus was terribly despised by other gods and was thrown out of Mount Olympus. For the Greeks and Romans, the bigger it was, the better.

Ancient Greece: Mythology and Sex

Classic myths are gender-based. There are many stories of incest, marriage, polygamy, and adultery in mythology. Therefore, the artistic depictions of myths end up portraying these sometimes explicit stories. Zeus’s reckless attitude towards women’s consent in these myths (in many cases he raped Danae in the form of a swan in the form of Leda and Rain) was male domination and female. Strengthened the idea of ​​female contempt for subordination.

The penis was also emphasized in the delightful portrayal of Dio Brando. Dionysus, the god of Greek wine, drama and transformation, is not surprised by his followers, the male satyr and the female menard, and their depictions on the wine vessels.

The satyr was a half-human half-goat. Somewhat comical, but also tragic in a way, they were deep-rooted masturbation and party animals that loved dance, wine and women. In fact, the term saturia is still alive today and is classified by the World Health Organization’s International Classification of Diseases (ICD) as a form of hypersexuality in men, alongside the female form of nymphomania.

The intent of the (upright) satyr on the penis is clear from the appearance of the vase (even if they rarely catch the manado they are chasing). At the same time, their huge erect penis shows the “beastiness” and grotesque ugliness of a large penis, in contrast to the classic ideal of male beauty represented by a smaller penis.

The actors who performed the satyr play at the dramatic festival appeared on stage and in orchestras in fake phallic costumes to show that they were not humans, but Dionysian mythical beasts.

Early classical art collectors were shocked to learn that the Greeks and Romans they admired were earthlings with varying sexual and desires. However, by emphasizing the sexual aspect of this art, they underestimated the non-sexual role of the phallic symbol.

Complete Article HERE!

These Erotic Audio Platforms For Women Are Just What The Doctor Ordered

Better than a one-handed read.

By Kinsey Gidick

When it comes to getting in “the mood,” sometimes a little fantasy fiction is in order. But who wants to pull out a conspicuous paperback with a picture of Fabio on the cover? Romance novels are great and all, but for a more subtle X-rated option there are erotic audio stories.

Bodice-ripping earworms are all the rage right now, and the audio space doesn’t just offer sexually explicit stories. There are now entire apps dedicated to adult literature. Thanks to these catalogs of spicy narratives, you can find just the right tale to suit your mood. In fact, some apps even let you drill down based on fantasy preference while others are intended specifically for a female audience. And if that’s not enough to get you where you need to go, consider that some vibrators can now be synced with audio erotica for the ultimate story climax.

And while many of the apps selling sexy stories require a membership, you can also find free audio erotica as well. So budget need not be a deterrent to enjoying tantalizing tales. All you need is a computer or mobile device to tune in. Just put on your headphones, sit back, and enjoy the show.

1

A Sexy Story Membership

Dipsea

Founded by women, for women, Dipsea is a feminist platform for audio erotica. With many stories to choose from, members can select a monthly or annual plan and then listen to hundreds of stories based on sexual preference and mood.

2

A Steamy Audio Subscription

AudioDesires offers audio sex stories in a membership platform. One reason users might like this app is because it gives a short synopsis of each story, describes the audience (for instance, people who want to listen about a him + her scenario), includes the length of the episode, and mentions what will be included. For instance, in the case of “The Mechanic” AudioDesires says it will include: “dirty talk,” “finger play,” and “from behind.”

3

An Ethical Erotica Option

The tagline of the website Quinn is “quinn girls finish first.” And that goes beyond the content. Quinn, Mashable reports, focuses on “ethical content” that appeals to women. Better yet, all of Quinn’s content is free and ad-free so there are no interruptions.

4

An Easy Entry to Erotica

Audible is an Amazon owned audio book company, but naturally it offers erotica too. That means that while you’re searching for your next road trip audio book, you can quietly tuck a few steamy tales into your cart as well.

5

A Hot Story in Your Audiobook Queue

The eBook site Scribd is another option for audio erotica and has 54,511 results in English, just to give you an understanding of the scale of options. As a bonus, Scribd offers a 30 day free trial, so you can binge listen first before you commit to the service.

6

A Free Erotica Site

Just like the name suggests, literotica is a free erotic fiction website. But it’s now expanded to include audio erotica too, so you can fully indulge your sexy voyeur fantasies without having to read a screen. All stories are submitted by site users, often recorded by the author themselves.

7

A Vibrator-Synced Audio Space

Vibease is a bluetooth vibrator that allows you to sync it with short audio stories. In fact, Vibease now has a growing catalog of audio stories to choose from that are organized by tags like “Male Voice,” “New Release,” “Guided Session,” and “BDSM.”

8

A Sexual Wellbeing Audio Store

Emjoy calls itself a sexual wellbeing platform and that’s because it’s focused on delivering 300+ audio sessions and sexy stories for all types of women. The idea is that sexual health is a part of self-care, so the app doesn’t just serve up steamy stories. It offers information on how topics like “how to feel confident about your breasts” and “how to give and receive the perfect sensual massage.”

Ready to start your sexual audio journey? Tune in to any of these story apps and sites for a hot sec.

Complete Article HERE!

Five of the best sex podcasts for your aural pleasure

Sexual relationships are changing, and sex podcasts are breaking the mould. Here’s a quintet we like

By Nenseh Koneh

I still remember my sex ed class in high school. Every other week, my teacher would have us read from sexual health books that had last been signed out by students two decades prior. With graphic pictures of STIs surrounded by penis graffiti on the corner of each page, the books only showed the negatives aspects of sex, and touted abstinence as the best option.

Ten years on, things have, mercifully, changed. Whilst my sex education included dressing a banana with a condom, some organizations are now helping sex talk in the classroom to be geared towards consent culture, rather than merely “no means no”. But when it comes to pleasure, conversation has remained traditional. Despite the fact that roughly 75% of women cannot achieve orgasm through penetrative sex, and that many men enjoy prostate stimulation, for example, the media is still rife with how to guides that are completely focused on penis and vaginal penetration.

Fortunately, sex podcasts, in talking about real-life sex issues, are breaking the mould. From hearing Black queer femmes talk about navigating the world of sex to unfiltered stories about threesomes, cam girls and swingers, these are some of the best sex podcasts to look out for in 2021.

Inner Hoe Uprising

Inner Hoe Uprising is a podcast by a rotating group of four twentysomething Black queer people living in New York that is dedicated to sex, love and dating in different parts of the US. They talk about plenty of sex, but also how the Black experience varies from person to person. For example, one of their most recent guests talked about moving to Tucson, Arizona, and how he faced challenges in his personal life due to being in a predominantly white town.

There is also a current affairs segment called Fuck That, which brings awareness to issues pertaining to sex, love, gender and race, among others. Some of the most recent topics covered include the trans bills passed in Florida banning trans athletes, and the self-proclaimed “sexual addict” shooter involved in the Atlanta spa shootings.

Better In Bed

Love talking about sex but hate not having anyone to talk to about it? Better In Bed is a fun and informative podcast hosted by Sara Tang, a sex coach and educator. The podcast (and Tang’s career in general) was inspired by bad sexual education in school, and seeks to act as a corrective.

Tang talks about sexting, toys, BDSM and orgasmic meditations (which allows an orgasm by slowing down and becoming mindful of yourself, rather than rushing and over-focusing). Having trouble imagining it? Well, no worries – in one episode, Tang, with the help of YOLO coach Ying Han Cheng, demonstrates an orgasmic meditation live by performing actions on her clitoris. The practice is meant to be a calm and relaxing experience that channels your own pleasure, possibly changing your entire perspective on orgasms.

Along with a rotating guest list of other sex educators and friends, the show mixes personal experiences in with tips. Even if you think your sex life is satisfactory now, Tang’s podcast, which is well researched and full of surprises in every episode – will help you have more fun.

Sex with Strangers

If you love sex, culture and travel, this podcast will be right up your alley. Sex with Strangers is a traveling sex podcast hosted by Chris Sowa, who travels the world to talk to new “strangers” about sex in every episode. From a trans cam girl who grew up in a conservative US town to an Australian couple that has had threesomes with at least 22 women, no topic is off limits.

Sowa uses the cross-cultural element of his work to analyse what is on offer for the sexually curious in different places, from Icelanders joining in their country’s hook-up and BDSM culture, to the rope bondage and love hotels on offer in Japan.

Due to the pandemic, Sowa’s travel is currently limited, but he is still able to call in his international guests.

We Gotta Thing

Ever wanted to learn about swinger relationships, or secretly desired to be in one? We Gotta Thing, hosted by a married couple going by the names Mr and Mrs Jones, may help you break the ice on the topic. With 37 years of marriage under their belt, the couple talks about every aspect of their lifestyle, all while drinking cocktails. The couple shows us that more goes into “swinging” than people may perceive, including how to reject a couple you have no sexual desires for, how to address consent in a situation defined by blurred lines, or how to budget your newfound swinger sex lifestyle.

Esther Perel’s Where Should We Begin

Although this podcast has been around for quite some time – since 2017 – it was revolutionary for its time, and still is. Who else to look towards for advice about sex and relationships other than a psychotherapist?

In Where Should We Begin, Perel invites listeners to a therapy session between her and a new couple every episode, delving into some of the most taboo topics in relationships, and coming up with inventive ways to spice things up in the bedroom.

Perel, a therapist known for her motto of “fixing the sex first”, broaches topics with couples who have serially cheated on each other, trying to find the perfect balance of effort in an international long-distance relationship, and even a wife having sex with other women after years of frustration in her marriage and sex life. Perel does not hold back with her questions as she wants the couples to benefit from her services as much as possible.

The 50-minute podcast is well edited, with plenty of soundbites from the session and Perel’s additional take in between. She also offers guided questions for each episode that may make you play devil’s advocate and spike interest in something you might not have previously considered.

Complete Article HERE!

Is Audio or Written Erotica More ‘Ethical’ Than Photo or Video?

by Gabrielle Kassel

What’s the short answer?

No.

There isn’t anything that makes audio or written erotica inherently more ethical than its visual counterparts.

Below, we break down why people think they are — and what you can do to be the best (read: most ethical) consumer of written and aural smut you can be.

Porn or erotica is any content that’s designed with the explicit intention of arousing, enticing, or sexually intriguing an audience.

While “porn” is often used as shorthand for “XXX videos,” written and audio content can qualify as erotica, too.

Ethical porn or erotica is the phrase used for content that was created and distributed ethically.

That means the content creators:

  • were paid fair wages
  • were treated with respect
  • had access to good working conditions

In the case of video content, that means the performers’ pleasures, boundaries, and health were integral to determining how the scene would play out.

“Porn” and “ethical porn” should be synonymous.

And explicit content that isn’t ethical shouldn’t be called “porn” — it should be called violence and abuse.

As a consumer, it’s pretty tricky to know if the content you’re enjoying was created or distributed ethically, says sex worker and sex educator Corey More.

“But as a general rule, the best way to be an ethical consumer of porn is to pay for it,” they say.

And that’s true for all types of erotica!

Adult content that’s distributed via explicit paperbacks, online stories, and audio recordings isn’t automatically more ethical than NSFW photos and videos.

But many people believe that it is.

Why? More says it stems from the pervasive societal ideal that nobody would ever voluntarily choose to be a sex worker.

“There’s an idea that all video porn performers are victims of circumstance,” they add.

Because the bodies of those who make written and audio erotica aren’t directly implicated in creation, these creators usually aren’t considered sex workers, explains More.

Instead, they’re considered performers, voice-over artists, essayists, and wordsmiths.

“I’ve been editing anthologies for over 15 years, and the instances of unethical written erotica I’ve come across, personally, are rare,” says Rachel Kramer Bussel, an erotica writer and editor of over 60 anthologies, including the Best Women’s Erotica of the Year series from Cleis Press.

“But just as with video porn, written erotica can be unethical,” says Bussel. “There are shady people pirating books and trying to illegally profit off of others’ work in many creative fields, including erotica.”

Pirating, for the record, basically means plagiarizing.

“There’s also things such as book stuffing by unethical self-published erotica authors,” explains Bussel.

Book stuffing refers to padding a book with “nothing pages” — like sneak previews of upcoming books and reprintings of old stories — in order to boost the overall number of pages and, subsequently, the price.

A lot of explicit audio is recorded based on a script or short story. So just as the storylines and sentences of written erotica can be plagiarized, so can those in audio erotica.

To date, documented instances of this are few.

Some audio erotica platforms — like Quinn and Literotica — allow users to upload their own soundtracks.

It should go without saying, but if any of the noisemakers involved are unaware that or didn’t consent to their noises being uploaded onto the internet, the content is unethical.

Want to get an eye- or earful of X-rated smut? Here’s how to make sure it, and the way you’re consuming it, are ethical.

1. Do a quick Google search

Thanks to the (sometimes) wonderful worldwide web, a few clicks and clacks will introduce you to anyone’s backstory — and that includes erotica writers and voice-over artists.

Your move: “Google the name of the author you’re thinking about reading [or hearing] from,” says Bussel.

“This will help you make sure they haven’t been involved with anything you wouldn’t want to contribute to financially,” she says.

2. Check out the publisher

“One of the best ways to make sure your written erotica isn’t plagiarized or being sold by an unauthorized seller is to look at the source,” says Bussel.

Is it published by a reputable publisher (such as those listed on the Erotica Readers & Writers Association website)? If so, the odds that this publisher is ethical are solid!

Bussel also recommends doing a quick internet search of the publisher in question.

“Have they been accused of withholding owed royalties from their authors, for example? If so, they’re not ethical,” she says.

(Popular LGBTQ+ erotica publisher, Dreamspinner Press, for example, has been accused of doing this.)

3. Or the producer

In the case of audio erotica, take a moment to learn more about the app or platform where the content lives.

If the platform has an easy-to-find disclaimer about their practice, that’s promising.

Audio erotica app, Dipsea, for example, shares, “Dipsea sex is safe, positive, and full of healthy boundary setting and enthusiastic consent.”

Ditto goes for platforms that donate a portion of their income to sexual rights.

&Jane, for example, donates a portion of their income to Woodhull Freedom Foundation, a nonprofit that works full time to affirm and protect sexual freedom as a fundamental human right.

4. Pay for your content directly

Did you know that many erotica writers have paid newsletters or Patreon memberships that you can subscribe to for automatic access to their new content? Yep!

For just $1 a month on Patreon, for example, you can access erotica writer Lesbian Pulp’s steamy, lesbian fiction.

And for $10 a month, you can access two erotica short stories from Eclipse, which pegs itself as a cosmic home for Black Queer Erotica.

5. Reach out to the creator

Know you love the work of one particular writer or performer? “You can always ask them via email or social media what the best way to support their work is,” says Bussel.

You may not always get a response, but many creators do read the messages they receive — hearing that you enjoy the work they’re doing is sure to be appreciated!

6. Support the creators in other ways, too

Paying for and consuming a creator’s content is the best way to put money where your *heart eyes* are.

But these days, employers do look at authors’ and performers’ follower counts and engagement. So giving your fave creators a follow on Instagram or Twitter could help them earn more work in the future.

Video erotica can be great! Written erotica can be great! Audio erotica can be great!

But no form of adult content is immune to unethical practices.

So whether you’re curling up with your laptop, AirPods, or one-handed reader, be sure to take a little time to do research.

A little clock and coin are small prices to pay for climax, after all.

Complete Article HERE!

Almost Everyone Looks at Erotic Content

— So Let’s Talk About It

by Tess Catlett

I don’t remember the first time I watched an erotic video — but I remember the first time I got in trouble for it.

“True Blood,” a steamy HBO adaptation based on Charlaine Harris’ beloved book series “The Southern Vampire Mysteries,” first aired in fall 2008. I was 15, and I was obsessed.

You could argue that “True Blood” counts as erotic content — it does have more than its fair share of explicit sex scenes, after all — but it wasn’t watching “True Blood” that landed me in hot water.

(Likely because my mother didn’t know I was watching it… but that’s a story for another time.)

Anyway, it was what came on afterward. Back in those days, HBO aired adult movies and TV shows late at night.

I fell asleep with the TV on, something pornographic came on while I was sleeping, my mom heard the moans, and the rest is history.

Up until that point, I’d been raised with my mother’s beliefs that sex before marriage is a sin, masturbation would land me in hell, and watching other people have sex would further separate me from God.

She didn’t believe that I’d fallen asleep with the TV on, so she pulled me from my slumber to put the fear of God back into me.

Where sex negativity begins

Unfortunately, my mother wasn’t — and still isn’t — alone in these beliefs. Many people share the same negative and often harmful feelings about sex and sexuality.

Oftentimes, people associate these attitudes — collectively considered to be a form of sexual repression — with religious upbringings.

Although that was certainly a factor in my own sex-negative childhood and adolescence, it’s far from the only cause.

Traditional ideas about sexual behavior can also stem from things like:

  • misinformation, or lack of information, from caregivers, teachers, and other sources
  • strict views and expectations of gender roles at home, school, and other environments
  • negative personal experiences with sex and sexuality, such as receiving a fear-based sex education and having unsatisfying sexual encounters

And that’s just what I can name off the top of my head.

How individual beliefs shape the information we’re given

All of the factors mentioned above roll up into the way we think about our own sexuality and how we do or don’t express it over time.

And our beliefs have a habit of shaping our expectations for those around us, regardless of whether we know them personally or in passing.

A good example of this is the way secondary schools handle sex education.

You’d be hard-pressed to find a school that offers a comprehensive — let alone accurate — sex ed curriculum that covers the full breadth of adolescent sex and sexuality.

And to be clear: Talking about porn and other forms of adult entertainment is a crucial component of a comprehensive sex education.

Why we need to talk about explicit content

A widely shared figure claims that the average child is around 11 years old when they’re first exposed, accidentally or intentionally, to pornographic material.

Research conducted in 2019 by the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) offers more context. After surveying 1,142 children ages 11 to 17, researchers found that:

  • 51 percent of 11- to 13-year-olds reported that they had seen pornography at some point
  • 66 percent of 14- to 15-year-olds reported that they had seen pornography at some point

That, if nothing else, demonstrates why adult entertainment should be a part of secondary sex education curriculum — and the conversations shouldn’t stop there.

One studyTrusted Source published this year in the Journal of Sex Research looked at the way 1,392 adults ages 18 to 73 interacted with porn, if at all.

Researchers found that, of their sample group, 91.5 percent of men and 60.2 percent of women reported using porn in the past month.

It’s clear that people of all ages are being exposed to or are actively engaging with pornographic material — so let’s treat it like we would any other “need to know” subject or skill.

Making informed decisions

To be clear: Porn and other forms of adult entertainment aren’t inherently bad. (And for what it’s worth, premarital sex and masturbation aren’t either.)

Pornographic photos, books, and recordings aren’t evil. Sex workers aren’t victims. Getting turned on by an ethically produced scene or scenario isn’t going to land you on Santa’s Naughty List.

“Ethical,” however, is the key word here.

Adult entertainment — no matter its form — refers to media or interactions created by consenting adults for the purpose of sexual arousal or pleasure in other consenting adults.

It doesn’t refer to the nonconsensual buckets of media or interactions so often referred to as “porn” and credited for “destroying our culture” or “decaying our moral character.”

So-called “revenge porn,” for example, isn’t porn at all; it’s a collection of sexual media created by one person for the enjoyment of the person they gave it to — not for the entertainment of any other person who happens to come into contact with it.

Learning how to tell the difference between content voluntarily created for public (adult) consumption and photos, videos, or other materials that were not is key to developing a healthy relationship with adult entertainment.

Another key factor? Understanding what porn and erotica are and aren’t.

For example, adult entertainment is just that: entertainment. It isn’t an educational material, and it isn’t meant to serve as or supplement sex education.

Where to start

Over the next couple of months, we’ll be going back to the basics to provide you with the tools you need to create a healthy relationship with porn and erotica — should that be a form of media you’re interested in.

And we’re working with sex workers to do it.

Clinical research and literature aren’t the definitive voice in sex work and adult entertainment — the folks who work, or have worked, in this industry are.

We’ll be leaning on and elevating the voices of folks who know this industry best to ensure that you’re getting the most informed advice on how to build or refine your relationship with adult content.

The first in the series — all of which is penned by sex and wellness writer Gabrielle Kassel — looks at how OnlyFans and other social platforms fit into the adult entertainment landscape.

Complete Article HERE!

Want better sex?

Audio erotica and mindfulness could be the answer

By Alex Peters

Sexual wellness app Ferly is promoting female pleasure through mindfulness

For Dr Anna Hushlak it’s not about getting off, it’s about how you get there. That’s why she, along with co-founder Billie Quinlan, created Ferly, a safe space for women to help us get in touch with our bodies and learn about our sexuality, desires, and pleasures.

Part of a growing number of apps catering to female sexual wellbeing, Ferly focuses on the self-care aspect of sex with a particular interest in the mental and emotional side. Combining mindfulness and cognitive therapy with self-touch in immersive audio experiences, Ferly guides you through exercises involving body mapping, self-pleasure, fantasies, and nuturing desire so that you can get more sex-literate and have more positive, mindful sex. It’s like Headspace but with masturbation.

“In the UK, 51 per cent of women aged 16 to 64 have reported experiencing three or more sexual difficulties in the last year, everything from pain or anxiety during sex to low libido and issues with arousal,” Hushlak tells me from where she isolating in rural Canada. “For us, having good sexual wellbeing is as important as getting regular exercise or getting a good night’s sleep. It’s one of those things that’s just so fundamental to our health yet we haven’t historically seen it that way.”

Guiding their community on this journey towards sexual confidence and wellbeing is very close to Hushlak and Quinlan’s hearts – they’ve travelled down the same path as many of their community and they themselves are still discovering and navigating what works for them. Both founders have experienced sexual violence personally and shared similar feelings of guilt, shame and stigma around it. “Billie was sexually assaulted at work. I was raped when I was a teenager. And neither of those experiences we really had support around,” Hushlak tells me. “There was a feeling of having to rediscover ourselves and our sexual selves and our autonomy through sex. And that led to Ferly because it’s the support that we wish we had that wasn’t there when we went through it.”

We spoke to Hushlak to find out more.

How would you explain the concept of mindful sex to people who haven’t heard the term before?

Dr Anna Hushlak: It’s about really slowing down. It’s about understanding how you feel about sex, not just how you have it. Most of our education, if we’ve even had an education around sex, has been focused on the ‘doing it’ and it’s often come through a particular lens of heterosexual sex. Generally it’s two people, generally it’s penetrative, and generally it’s considered successful if it results in an orgasm – typically that’s male climax.

For us, mindfulness is about flipping the script. It’s about saying: how do you actually feel about it? What’s your mind-body connection? Have you taken the time to explore and discover your body? Have you taken the time to actually notice sensations in your body, to create awareness of your body? And it’s much more focused on things like cultivating intimacy, on playing with sensation and touch and experience. And it’s really about body awareness and bringing that into your sex life.

Why was an app the right choice for the platform?

Dr Anna Hushlak: Looking through the science around digital interventions and online therapy, there’s quite a bit of research showing that online interventions are as effective as offline and face-to-face. And another big aspect for us is accessibility. When you’re face-to-face, you’re required to be there physically and that assumes that you’ve got financial freedom to get there, that you’ve got physical mobility to get there, and that you’ve got time to be able to get there.

The other aspect to that was that not everybody is comfortable with the topic. If people are in relationships, their partners might not be supportive of it, or it might be kind of a tense topic for them. We know that not everybody is starting in the same place. So an app allows for a degree of privacy and a degree of going at your own tempo and your own rhythm in a way that’s yours and yours alone. An app was what we saw as the most accessible and the most affordable option for people to do that. And it also allows us to tap into countries around the world. We’ve got users in Saudi Arabia, we’ve got users in Argentina, we’ve got users in the Philippines. So it’s meant that we have that global reach in a way that we wouldn’t be able to do if it was just face-to-face.

One of the techniques that you use is cognitive therapy. Can you explain that a little bit?

Dr Anna Hushlak: There’s a really phenomenal researcher, Dr Lori Brotto, who’s pioneered using mindfulness-based cognitive therapy for sexual wellbeing and treating sexual difficulties. The principles of it are a combination of cognitive therapy, which focuses on reframing negative beliefs and ‘head tapes’ or ‘thinking areas.’ It’s different tools and techniques that help you restructure those thoughts so that they’re not so paralysing and overwhelming and you don’t get wrapped up in these thought cycles. That’s then combined with mindfulness-based techniques. So for example, breathwork, body mapping, focusing on non-sexual touch, really tapping into body awareness.

The combination of the two allows us to help our community members reframe a lot of the messaging they’ve been told and the beliefs they have around sex. For example, that good sex results in orgasm and to reframe that more to say, ‘What does pleasure mean to me? What feels good?’ Alongside doing physical practices that help them kind of ground themselves in the moment, either alone or with a partner. So mindful masturbation where instead of taking two minutes to get off, it’s taking 15 minutes to and touch your collarbone, to play with touch on the inside of your leg, to notice the movement of your breath, to play with different feathering techniques on the clitorus and so it’s much more about a combination of mental and physical practices working together.

What has been the effect of technology allowing such easy access to porn on women’s relationship to sex?

Dr Anna Hushlak: Mainstream porn brings up all these issues around toxic masculinity, around performance, around gender roles, around body image and what a body should or shouldn’t look like. We’ve definitely seen rates of labiaplasty on the rise. One of the reasons we decided on audio erotica for the app was because it allows us to move away from body ideals. It also allows us to tap into imagination and fantasy, which we know are incredibly important to healthy sexuality.

The use of fantasy and erotic stimulus is incredibly important in that it allows us to create the context and it helps us to get in the mood, which, or women and folks AFAB is particularly important because for them desire tends to be more responsive instead of spontaneous, whereas for men, it tends to be more spontaneous. Dr Emily Nagoski, writes about this and she describes it as this lightning bolt to the genitals, which is the main story we’ve been told about what desire and arousal looks like. But that’s actually not what most women experience.

Are women more inclined to prefer audio rather than visual erotica?

Dr Anna Hushlak: I’m not sure statistically the difference between men and women in that regard. A lot of our community comes from backgrounds where they’ve experienced sexual difficulties. People who have felt a lot of shame or stigma, whether that’s from trauma or just ‘meh’ average-type sex. Erotica has been a way for them to transition into opening up their own sexuality, whether there’s a difference between their preference for audio or visual. 

I’m completely making an assumption but I would think that because of the nature often of body insecurities and the pressure around women to have a particular looking body, I would say that audio allows for there to be more left to the imagination. Generally, in mainstream porn, there is a typical idea of what you have to look like and audio allows us to just kind of step away from the visual. A lot of us have actually lost the ability or muted our ability to imagine and visualise and fantasise because we’re fed images all the time.

The stories section of the app has a queer section, how have you tailored content specifically towards queer women?

Dr Anna Hushlak: What we’ve found is that thoughts around same sex often fall into two categories: either same sex is wrong or same sex is fetishised. One of our big things is how do we try to challenge our own limitations around thinking about it? How do we try to broaden the conversation around it? Having queer stories in there, but also, when we do our guided practices if we’re talking about people in relationships, not assuming that it’s a couple. It might be a polyamorous relationship. Not assuming pronouns, so by default using they instead of he or she. Making sure that we’re not describing sex as heterosexual penis and vagina penetrative sex, which is the default that most of us have been taught is ‘normal’.

It’s an opportunity for us to challenge those norms and to think about how we can support our queer community as well as how we can learn to be better allies to that community. Making sure that we’re not speaking for but we’re speaking with. I know that the stories are an interesting area for some of the queer folks in our community to start to explore that side that some of them haven’t necessarily had the opportunity to do based on more traditional upbringings or kind of shame and stigma around that kind of cultural taboos.

During lockdown you’ve seen an increase in downloads of 65 per cent and an increase in content such as the Body Mapping being consumed. Why do you think that is?

Dr Anna Hushlak: On one hand, you have the people who are now suddenly in lockdown with a partner and are now having to navigate a much more intense environment. A lot of the topics that came up around that were: healthy communication, fluctuations in desire, low libido, how do you keep your sex life going? On the flip side, we had the community members that were in lockdown on their own. So you’ve got the people that have been maybe using sex as a tool for confidence and self-esteem. So with them you had the switch to starting to look inwards as opposed to externally for validation. Taking the time to re-evaluate what sex means to them and develop a healthier relationship to sex

Then we had the other group of people who were on their own that were coming from a sex-neutral or sex-negative lens where it was like, I’ve never really masturbated before. I don’t really know how to do this. I’ve got a lot of shame or stigma around it, I don’t feel comfortable touching myself. We would see an increase in, for example, body mapping as a practice which is much more around shifting from a perspective of masturbation to self pleasure. Not being focused on this goal of getting off, not masturbating in the same way that we’ve kind of been masturbating our whole lives: vibrator on for two minutes, I’m done, scratched that itch. Self-pleasure is much more of a mindfulness approach: I’m going to just feel sensations in my body and I’m going to explore what I like and what I don’t like, what I may be curious about. And the whole purpose of it is just to be present with my body, not necessarily to come.

Complete Article HERE!

10 Places to Get Actual Hot Audio Porn and Erotica

Close your eyes and enjoy.

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In my humble and horny opinion, audio porn is a deeply underrated way of consuming your smut. Don’t get me wrong, I’m also a fan of watching my porn, but there’s something uniquely satisfying about listening and tapping into your own imagination with the help of anything from narrated erotica to standalone porn sounds.

Luckily for me, audible porn (and similar sexy audio-based sex and wellness content) is on the rise. Where I used to have to dig up porny audio clips on Tumblr, I now have my pick of a wide variety of new apps and sites for anyone who wants to get in touch with their sexuality and get off using their ears. From guided masturbation tutorials to hot original stories, there’s bound to be something out there that will turn you on. Check out these apps and sites to get started:

1. Dipsea

Often called the “Headspace of Erotica,” Dipsea has a mix of original audio stories and wellness content meant to connect you to your sexuality and desires. Their short audio stories are often character- and emotionally-driven on top of being hot, so if you’re someone who likes a little plot with your porn, Dipsea has a huge library for you. The wellness section of the app is also a treasure trove of discovery, featuring guided erotic exercises and how-tos. They cover anything from how to sext to edging during masturbation.

Try it: $9/month for unlimited, dipseastories.com

2. Quinn

Quinn is a pretty no-frills audio porn site. Users can upload their own clips, including narrated scenes and stories, guided masturbation sessions, and erotic sounds of themselves masturbating or having sex with consenting partners. You can search by category, whether to narrow down by gender and sexuality, or to find specific kinks (think tags like accents, BDSM, teacher/student, and public sex).

Try it: Free, tryquinn.com

3. Tumblr

Tumblr may have cracked down on visual porn and explicit images in recent years, but it’s still home to a ton of audio porn—particularly user-submitted clips, which are great for anyone who likes their porn to have an “amateur,” real vibe to it. Direct-to-listener porn is popular on Tumblr, meaning audio that speaks to you, whether dirty talk, instructional, or narrative. You have to search around a bit to find blogs to follow, but get started with blogs like Let Me Hear It, Sounds of Pleasure, and Audio Orgasm.

4. Audible and Scribd

Okay, so Audible and Scribd are actually two popular places to buy audiobooks in general, but still definitely helpful for our purposes. One of the best things about audiobooks is how immersive they can feel, and this is doubly so for steamy erotica. It might not be as X-rated as some of the options on this list, but well-written and well-narrated erotica can be as hot as any porn. Try searching “erotica” on either Audible or Scribd and sort by highly-rated to see what other listeners are loving. For more information, check out SELF’s guide to finding truly sexy erotica.

5. Audiodesires

Audiodesires is relatively new, so they don’t have a robust library yet and are still growing with weekly releases. So far, they have stories designed for women and couples, with the couple stories leaving intermissions for you and your partner to get in on the action together. They also have a whole section dedicated to erotic ASMR—so if you want to get those sweet, sweet brain tingles as you listen to your porn, this is the app for you.

Try it: Free for limited access and $4/month for premium, audiodesires.com

6. Girl on the Net

Girl on the Net is a UK-based sex blogger who does a lot more than just produce audible porn, but it’s certainly one of the things she’s known for. On her site, you can enjoy a mix of erotic fiction and real-life sex stories, and BDSM-lovers in particular will have a lot to choose from. As a bonus, she also links out to other sex bloggers, some who do audio erotica, too (such as On Queer Street).

Try it: Free, girlonthenet.com (but you can support her on Patreon!)

7. Literotica

This free erotic fiction site may be best known for its user-written stories, but it has a pretty solid collection of “adult audio,” too. Depending on what you’re into, there’s a mix of narrative-driven smut (such as an erotic murder mystery series, seriously) and pretty straightforward stories that lean hard on common fantasies (like boss/employee, BDSM, and infidelity).

Try it: Free, literotica.com

8. Vibease Chat

So technically, Vibease Chat is an app companion to the Vibease vibrator ($95, vibease.com). On top of being a remote control vibrator good for long-distance play with a partner, the Vibease vibrator can also sync with erotica from its app. Meaning, yep, it vibrates in time with the narration. That said, you don’t actually need to use the vibrator to enjoy the app. The library has a mix of free and for-purchase stories that you can listen to without the vibe.

Try it: Free with per-story pricing, vibease.com

9. Reddit

Much like Tumblr, Reddit has some steamy audible porn if you know where to look, such as r/gonewildaudio. You might have to wade through the many posts to find stuff that you like, but some subreddits have filters to help you avoid content and kinks you really don’t want to see. If you’re looking for something more vanilla but still potentially erotic, check out r/pillowtalkaudio. Bonus: Both subreddits allow you to post requests that other users can fill.

10. Emjoy

This intimate self-care app leans a bit more toward wellness than porn, with guided audio practices and pleasurable meditations, but it has erotic stories as well. If you’re looking for a more holistic app that will help you get in touch with your desires and sexual well-being, Emjoy is an excellent place to start. It’s kind of like taking a class about your own body and sexuality—and the homework includes listening to erotica.

Try it: Free for limited access and $30/year for premium, letsemjoy.com

Complete Article HERE!

5 Expert-Approved Ways To Spice Up Your Sex Life

By Hannah Coates

Has your sex life taken something of a nosedive in recent months? It’s likely, at this point in lockdown, that the answer is yes, since the majority of us fall into one of two camps: those who have been unable to see (or meet new) sexual partners; and those who have now been inseparable from the apple of their eye for a little bit too long. Throw in the stress and anxiety caused by current events, and it’s no wonder our libidos are feeling the effect. Research has shown that not only are we having sex less in lockdown, the quality of the sex we are having is lower.

So as lockdown restrictions start to ease, what can we do to spice up our sex lives? Here, Mia Sabat, sex therapist at Emjoy, offers her expert advice.

Try listening to audio erotica

Tapping into our senses is an excellent way to address a flagging sex drive, and Sabat recommends audio erotica to help revive the libido, stimulate the mind and reconnect with your own – and your partner’s – sexuality. “One of its primary functions is to appeal to the body’s most important, and often neglected, sex organ: the brain,” she says. “Research has actually shown that listening to erotica can be one of the most successful practices women can utilise to achieve sexual satisfaction.”

Unlike pornography, which tends to cater to a male audience and focuses on the visual side of sex, audio erotica delivers the script via sound, encouraging our imaginations to go wild. “It’s great for couples because, when listening, each individual can engage with their own fantasies, preferences and turn-ons, while still connecting over the same storyline or narrative, as they act out the story that is being told.” Sabat says. Emjoy is but one of an array of audio erotica apps that offers guided sessions to get you started.

Consider the kind of pornography you watch

Since many forms of pornography are created with a male viewer in mind, it’s a good idea to look for erotica that is being made by women, for women, and that appeals to both sexes. “The story you watch is so important when choosing any form of erotica,” says Sabat. “And because of this I recommend women engage with porn that is going to engage their mind first and foremost, so that their pleasure, preferences and fantasies are able to come to life. By engaging with less conventional and more creative forms of pornography, individuals are better able to cultivate their sexual energy, because it allows people to connect their brains to their sexual desires more tangibly.”

Experiment with touch

Consider incorporating touching “rules” to up the ante on your intimate time together. “You may want to lie together, listening to an audio story, with a no-hands policy in place,” suggests Sabat. “Equally, you might be curious about experimenting with mutual masturbation. My best advice is to let the story build heat and tension between you and your partner and to enjoy that feeling – the mind is so powerful!”

Schedule sex

It may sound a bit, well, unsexy, but making plans for intimacy can actually ensure you look forward to and enjoy precious time together: “Not only will you both feel mounting excitement by looking forward to it throughout the day, but you’ll both feel less on edge, knowing what to expect. Use this dedicated day or hour as a special time for intimacy, exploration and play, and engage with one another’s pleasures,” says Sabat.

Masturbate and explore yourself

“It’s important to remember every sexual experience begins within ourselves, and masturbation embodies this journey. Beyond stimulating our sex drive, self-pleasure allows us to connect with our minds and bodies within a context we often aren’t able to explore,” says Sabat. “It can help us really focus on what we enjoy, without worrying about anyone else, and this can be excellent for both our own wellbeing and our sex life as a whole.” Getting to know our bodies allows us to understand what makes us tick, what doesn’t, and importantly makes us better able to communicate what we want and need, with confidence.

Complete Article HERE!

‘Sex Can Be Anything’

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Last month, the writer, activist, and sex worker Rachel Rabbit White published her debut book of poetry and threw a costume party in New York to celebrate. (Earlier this month, she threw another in Los Angeles.) While Porn Carnival is White’s first full-length poetry publication, she’s been writing — for Playboy and Vice, among other outlets — about sex, desire, consumption, capitalism, and the uncomfortable meeting place of all these themes for years. On the occasion of her book’s publication, we spoke about the innate pressures of heterosexuality, the similarities between writing and desire, and whether she thinks today’s young people have a new relationship to gratification.

I want to know what your thoughts are on the words associated with sex — how their meanings are so determined by context.
I was recently having a conversation where someone said they hate the word pleasure, and I was like, oh, I love the word pleasure. It’s almost the opposite of the word desire, and yet the two are so close.

In many ways Porn Carnival is a book about romance. It’s about the hope for joy outside the work life but it’s also about the agony of love and the simultaneous hope of love. In between laboring, there is a constant search for community, for orgy, for romance while still knowing that in romance is always a lack, a trap. A lot of people have focused on the despair about work in the book but there’s a maybe more pleasurable despair about pleasure itself.

I am a pessimist about romance and yet, like maybe all of us, romance still has a grip on me. I do think that romance, like all things is tainted by capitalism. And that second wave feminists were right to criticize romance as the site of women’s subordination. But it’s not necessary to defend romance in order to understand its pleasures, the euphoria of falling in love.

Where is the line between experiencing eroticism and performing it? Does that line disintegrate at times?
It can be pleasurable to perform pleasure. Everyone has a different persona tactic when it comes to sex work (the girlfriend, the therapist, the good girl who shouldn’t be here, the party girl, the guys’ girl), but I’ve always done best playing the femme fatale. It’s a role that requires a glamorized distance — tease and denial — and because of that a dominant physicality (I use strip-club moves mixed with with light femme domme energy in order to keep the session in my control). I get pleasure from the routine of femme fatale, from successfully building a fantasy that works for someone, which also allows me to keep my boundaries. But the lines between performing pleasure and experiencing pleasure get blurred in any sex. Because sex and romance are always mediated by capitalism, we are all actors, and it often takes acting to summon up a belief in romance, even if we don’t realize it.

As a side note, though: Plenty of women do the work of sex work without trading sex for money or capital. The work of sexual entertaining, as well as the many emotional labors of sex work. Every woman is expected or pressured in heterosexuality to do the labor that sex workers do, but not every woman is a sex worker. I think sex workers are strangely more equipped, though, to ponder the problem of romance, because we sell sex and love as our job, and have this strange distance and closeness with the theater of gender relations.

Your poetry, too, has a seductive relationship with the reader. As a writer, do you employ fictional identities?
Some art, in order for it to be truly full, requires a persona. My favorite artists are the ones who recognize this and play with persona, making their life blur with their art. I am guilty of this! And sometimes, being self-deprecating, I say that it’s because I lack imagination, the imagination to create completely fictional narratives and not write about my own life — but if I am being honest, not living my life as though I were its protagonist, and then not writing about my experiences, just strikes me as boring.

You seem to be sort of a pleasure mentor for some. What kind of advice could you give someone who might have a fraught relationship with sex or self-discovery?
Sex can be a vehicle for self-expression and it can be a theater; sex doesn’t have to be serious, and sex can be anything. The most important thing I’ve learned is how to make boundaries a part of your seduction, your flirtation, an inherent part of your sex. I think that the first thing to realize to have a good relationship with pleasure is that enjoyment (the consumption of pleasure as a commodity) is not everything, that pleasure is not everything, that our sexuality and sexiness is not all that there is. It’s one of the reasons why I have worked very hard to have a place for writing in my life, this very cruel practice that requires loneliness, concentration, and deferment of pleasures and gratification. And poetry especially comes with very little perks: it doesn’t bring money, it rarely brings fame, and it is even less read than most genres. But to me that doesn’t matter; that’s my space where I gratuitously spend myself and my love for the word and other poets, expecting nothing in return.

What is better, enacting someone else’s fantasy, or having someone enact one of your own?
The best is to find where your fantasy crosses with someone else’s. You make sex from where you overlap.

Do you think that younger generations have very different understandings of gratification (meaning your generation compared to older ones, and also the generation younger than you)?
I don’t think it’s really that different. The habits and the knowledge with which we approach pleasure might have changed, but the underlying attitudes towards it I believe are largely unchanged. Sex fascinates and scares the younger generations in the same way it did the older generations. In the same ways, we want to protect ourselves and those we love from the dangers that come with it. We see our openness to gratification and the practices that requires shrink the more we age into complex life situations with responsibilities, duties, and long term plans. To deal with satisfaction is not an easy task, and it requires freedom, time, and especially money. It is an expenditure, and as such it is not something — unfortunately — that is available for everyone, or at least not to everyone all of the time, or even often.

So, it is understandable that with this inequality of access also comes a whole lot of different approaches and opinions about desire. Varying attitudes are there in every generation, and honestly, I think when people say  that today’s younger generations are excessively prudish, or excessively libertine, they’re just projecting their own politics. Young people are young people: eager to grow up and scared of what it means, naive and yet savvy, open and idealistic and reticent and sarcastic. They are moving their first steps into the unknown waters of an autonomous life with all the uncertainties and ambiguities that come with this newly found independence.

Complete Article HERE!