Dr. Dick, I’m feeling the intense letdown of the ballot issues passed this week in California, Florida and Arkansas. Especially CA, where they had gay marriage but now have lost it, and my heart goes out for all those married couples now in limbo. I don’t understand this. Ohio passed their “marriage protection” act a couple years ago, and it was a devastating blow to me. Why is ok for the majority to restrict the rights of the minority? Where is our defender? Where is justice simply because it’s the right thing, not necessarily the popular thing? Will Barack Obama be able to turn around the tide of hatred and discrimination that George Bush has sewn for eight years? How long must we wait to be recognized as equal citizens and not made to feel like the lowest form of person possible? Looking for some advice on how to hold my head high when we’re so often given the message to slink away.
Yeah, I’m bummed too. But the November 4th vote is not the end of the story. There are many more chapters yet to be written. Don’t let your disappointment and frustration take the wind out of your sails.
The very first thing I learned in the 30 plus years I’ve spent fighting for human rights, is that equality and justice never comes easily. The second thing I learned is that my dignity and self-worth is not dependent on the approbation of others.
You learn to hold your head up because you KNOW you are as good as anyone else. You fight inequality and injustice wherever you find it, not just in the gay community. You make allies of all the other people in your community who are marginalized for whatever reason. You build a coalition. When your efforts fail, as they often will, you support and encourage your colleagues and plan your next assault on the in equitable and unjust system. In fact, you redouble your grassroots organizing to broaden your base by reaching out to others in a language they will understand. One thing is certain; other minorities will not automatically understand your oppression as a gay man any more than you will automatically understand what oppresses them. But working together to find common ground will provide you the means to achieve your goals of equality in the dominant culture. That’s how it’s done.
And ya know what? This struggle is never over. If you leave the battle once your rights have been secured, then you signal to your allies that you were only in it for yourself. Nothing will undermine a coalition faster than selfishness.
Whatever you do, don’t be lookin for a defender to swoop in and save the day for you. That’s the stuff of fairytales. If you’re not on the front lines making this coalition happen, then don’t expect anyone, from the president on down, to come to your rescue. Remember, dignity is not the result of the struggle; dignity is in the struggle. Make this your life’s work and you won’t be discouraged with one, or even several, set backs.
I am engaged to a wonderful guy. I’m excited about my upcoming marriage, but I’m also afraid that it will fail. I know you are going to think we’re freaks, but my fiancé and I have decided to save ourselves for after we are married. Some of our friends even our recently married friends are having trouble with their relationship and with the divorce rate so high, what are the chances that my marriage will work? Do I just have cold feet or am I not ready to get married?
First off, I don’t think you’re a freak for reserving full sexual expression till after you are married. It wasn’t too long ago when that sort of thing was the norm. And as you say, even though nowadays most people enter marriage as established sex partners, that alone won’t insure a marriage will be a success.
So ok, if a successful marriage is not dependent on sexual experience what does it take to make a marriage work? Hell, if I knew that I’d bottle it and make myself a well deserved fortune.
For the sake of argument, let’s just say you are the marrying kind and that you simply have cold feet, like every bride and groom to be does. Let’s say that you and your fiancé have made the right choice…for you…to enter your marriage as virgins. What’s next? Possibly you need to jettison the Pollyanna notion that marriage is a breeze. Your recently married friends are having problems because there are always problems in a marriage. It’s the nature of the beast. Hopefully, the problems you guys will face won’t be insurmountable. But, sure as shootin’, problems will be your constant companions, sometimes they’ll even big problems. So count on it and prepare yourself accordingly.
If you have an unwavering commitment to one another to do whatever it takes to make your overall relationship work, you’ll probably be ok. Being sexually unfamiliar with one another may be a liability or it might be an asset. One thing is certain, if you guys start to have problems with the whole sex thing, as often happens for newlyweds, get help right away. There should be no shame or embarrassment about that. In fact, you might want to be proactive and start looking around for sexual enrichment courses or videos to help you grow together as lovers. Look to my Product Review Page for some video and toy suggestions.
Here are some generic tips. Great sex is dependent on mutuality. Be sure your partner knows he or she is loved, appreciated and respected. One of you may discover that he or she has a stronger libido than the other. That’s pretty common. Deal with this immediately, like adults. Don’t wait for your relationship to go broken. Accommodations and compromise are always necessary in seeking the common good. And people come to compromise and accommodation through effective communication. If you don’t know how to do that, your relationship is doomed.
Passion is not a dirty word, nor is creative sexual expression a sin. If you have religious scruples about enjoying your body and that of your fiancé you’re headed for trouble. Boredom in the bedroom, particularly for newlyweds is a recipe for disaster.
Saving yourself for your wedding night does not preclude you being well versed in self-pleasuring. In fact, the more you know about your body and the mysteries of your sexual response cycle the smoother things will go for the two of you on your wedding night. Nowadays there is absolutely no need for anyone to come to their marriage bed uninformed about sex in general and his or her sexuality in particular. And come prepared; always have lots and lots of lube handy!
Like I said, mutuality is the key. And since we all evolve sexually, both of you will need to grow right along with your partner. Make your sex play an adventure. Never hesitate to check in with one another to see how the pleasure thing is going. What worked last time is not necessarily gonna work the next time.
Spontaneity is always a real good thing. Traditional marriage doesn’t mean you have to be stogy. Both of you need to take responsibility for seeing that your intimacy needs are being met. Sometimes that will involve fucking like bunnies, other times it will mean vegging-out in front of the boob-tube with a fist full of Häagen-Dazs.
Openness and honesty about your most secret sexual desires and needs is essential. Can’t trust your partner with your secrets, you oughtn’t be married to him or her. Take responsibility for your own sexuality. Ask for what you want and need, but don’t neglect caring for yourself.
Seek your partner’s pleasure before your own. This is particularly important for a man. If you become too busy to celebrate your sexuality together, you are indeed too fuckin busy. Prioritize your life with your partner at its center.
There’s a fundamental difference between making love and fucking. Both have their place in a healthy marriage. And there ought also be room for solitary sex too. Everyone in entitled to privacy and private time, especially in a marriage.
Have some creativity about your sexual expression. Toys, fantasies, role-playing, they’re all good. Don’t be afraid to experiment. Attend to making your sex play spaces fit the mood — romantic to down and dirty. One size does not fit all, if you catch my drift.
If you plan to go to seed once you’re married you can be assured that the fire will go out just as soon as you do. Stay in shape, get plenty of exercise, and keep yourself attractive to your partner. Pay attention to your personal hygiene. No one wants to bump someone with a smelly body and bad breath.
Make sure your partner is fully aroused before full-on fucking. And remember sex is way more than the old in an out. Finally, have a sense of humor about the whole thing; it will help take the edge off.
Safe to swallow? Improve the taste?
I just love it when ya’ll take the time to write or call me to tell me about your spunk. I like it for two reasons. First, it reassures me that ya’ll are paying attention to your sexual response cycle. And that you continue to be fascinated with how your body works. These are two really good things.
Second, well hell, I just get a kick outta hearin’ about your joy juice discoveries. Gosh, It warms the cockles of my poor old heart. So keep it up, so to speak, and keep the good doctor informed. Who knows one day I may hear something I’ve never heard before.
Back to you Steve, there ain’t nothin’ to get all freaked out about. Eatin’ your spooge will not make you sick. If you get off suckin’ up your own seed, knock yourself out. Have a ball! Oh wait, you already are!
Think about it for a minute, there couldn’t possibly be anything in your cum that could harm big old you, because that would mean it would also be harmful to your cute little defenseless sperm. But it’s not, so there.
Technically speaking, your joy juice, semen to be more precise, is mostly water. There’s also a simple sugar to keep you’re hard workin’ sperm alive and well. And, the rest is pure protein, baby. So look at it this way, your eating habits, so to speak, will require you to eat just a little less tofu than the rest of us.
And I do know a little something about making your spooge…spunkalicious.
Most of our ejaculate is produced in our seminal vesicles and prostate gland: not in our testicles, as most folks think. Only our sperm is produced in our balls, and sperm makes up only a fraction of our ejaculate. Our prostate gland is influenced by what we consume; eat, drink, smoke, things like that. So if you want to have sweet tasting jizz, for yourself and others, watch what you consume. Oh, and drink lots of water too.
Eating celery and/or parsley can have an almost immediate effect on the taste of your cum. Some report that the effect can be as swift as 30 minutes. So not only do celery and parsley freshen your breath, but they freshen your spunk as well. Hey, it’s like having two mints in one.
Oh and I can turn you on to a brand new product. So brand new, in fact, that I have yet to publish a review of it on my Product Review Page. Let me introduce you to Intimate Teas. They have this special tea called My Maple Cookie. It’s a unique blend of premium herbs specially formulated to change the female genitalia and male semen to smell and taste like pure maple. How fun is that? And it really works too. I mean, who doesn’t want his/her juices to smell and taste like dessert?
If your diet is heavy with meats and fish your jizz will most likely have a bitter taste. A high concentration of dairy products creates a foul taste…so does all that coffee and nicotine. Lots of fruits and vegetables in your diet (except for asparagus that is) will produce a slightly sugary taste. And if you like your cocktails (the kind you drink, silly), it’s best to stick with high-quality, naturally fermented beers, wine or liquor. The cheap stuff, the rotgut, will not only give you a wicked hangover, but will cause your spooge to have an extremely acidic taste.
Location: New Mexico
It has been over six years since I have had sex. My husband of 12 years died cancer 5 years ago. There was no sex in our relationship the last year of his life. He was the love of my life and I still miss him so much. I would like to get back into the swing of things. I just don’t know how. My friends tell me I should get on with my life. They tell me I’m still an attractive woman and that I’m wasting my life. Sometimes they badger me so that I don’t want to be around them. Maybe there’s something wrong with me. Maybe I’m dead inside. Why can’t I just move on?
You raise some very interesting issues, Alva, concerns that are often ignored or misdiagnosed by healing and helping professionals. Grief has a profound effect on every aspect of our lives. Yet there is hardly any literature on the effects grief has on our sexuality. To my mind, grief is the leading causes of sexual dysfunction for those who have experienced the death of a loved one. And you, my dear, present some of the classic symptoms — indecision, self-doubt, lack of libido, a desire to isolate.
Before I continue I want to underscore that grief is not depression. And treating grief with an antidepressant is counterproductive. It can actually take away the impetus to resolve the grief and get on the rest of one’s life.
Now, is six years of grieving enough? Apparently your friends think so. But what do you think? Would reviving your sex life sully the memory of your dear departed husband? I believe it’s time for you to bring this concern to a professional for help. I suggest that you get some therapy from someone who is well versed in both sexuality and grief counseling. I say this not because I’m siding with your friends, but because you, yourself, identify this as a problem.
What could a counselor do for you, you may ask? Well, I can only speak for myself, and the work I do in my practice. A good portion of my practice is with sick and dying people and their friends and family who survive them. I know the impact a terminal illness and the dying process can have on the surviving spouse or partner. We often go into survival mode, shutting down so much of ourselves in an effort to have the strength to cope with this life-altering experience. Of course, trying to kick-start our life afterwards is often a monumental effort. Without the support and guidance of a professional or a group of similarly challenged people, some of us just sink to the lowest common denominator and stop fully functioning.
Traumatic events in our lives can radically shift us out of living mode into merely surviving mode. And if this goes on for a long time — and six years is a very long time in my opinion — surviving mode begins to feel like living mode. But it’s not! Good thing we have friends to tell us when we are off course. You are right to say that sometimes the interventions of our friends can feel like badgering. And I know that’s not helpful. But how else are they to convey their continued concern for your wellbeing?
I believe in the resilience of the human spirit. I believe that we can honor our dead and continue to live and love too. Now it’s true that some animals and even some humans mate for life. And when the mate dies they never mate again. However, this doesn’t sound like you, Alva. It sounds to me like you have a desire to get on with your life, to fill the void, to make new connections, but you simply don’t know how. Acknowledging that fact is a real good place to begin.
Perhaps you could start by reawakening your sexuality through self-pleasuring. Reconnect with your body and the joy it can bring you. Six years is a long time to be without, so starting up again may take some effort. While you are working on resolving your grief in a grief support group, you might want to connect with another group member who will no doubt be experiencing much the same things as you. You could explore your sexuality together.
Reestablishing a social life will no doubt follow, slowly at first. But the inevitable tug of our basic need for human to human contact will draw you, if you let it. Remember the best testament to those who have died is to continue to celebrate life itself.
Good luck ya’ll
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