Tag: Sexual Health

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Sex and the Aging Male

I’m receiving a startling number of correspondences lately from older men and their partners, highlighting the sexual difficulties of the aging process. It’s not surprising that these people are noticing the changes in their sexual response cycle as they age, but it is astonishing that they haven’t attributed the changes to andropause.

A Little Frustrated

Dr Dick,
I’m a 54-year-old man, who three years ago managed to finally come out and live the life I so desperately longed for all my life. My question: Is there a biological clock in men like women have to deal with in menopause? During the last years of my marriage, there was no sex life—other than with myself. Now I’m living a fantastic life, with a great man whom I love very much. I know there is more to life than sex, but now that I’m finally able to express myself physically with a ma, I am unable to perform—and not for lack of trying!

I tried Viagra a few years ago. It used to work maintaining an erection, but it was just by myself, and I always had fun. But the side effects—headaches and discomfort—made me wonder, “Do I really want to take this stuff?” But now, even the meds don’t help, and as for my libido, it suffers due to my lack of ability.

I’ve been tested for testosterone levels, and they say I’m right where I should be at for my age. I’ve seen two doctors about the issue, and when they find out my partner’s sex, they don’t want to deal with it, and seem to just pass it off as an age thing. (BTW: I’m in fairly decent shape; I exercise three to four days a week at the gym.) Can you send me any advice on a path to take?
—A Little Frustrated

A little frustrated? Holy cow, darlin’, you sound a lot frustrated—and rightfully so! You finally find what’s been missing your whole life, only to discover that your plumbing is now giving out on you. Ain’t that a bitch!

And before I continue, I want to tell you and all the other alternative lifestyle people in my audience: Don’t settle for a sex-negative physician—no matter what. Find yourself a sex-positive doctor who will look beyond your choice of partner; someone who will give you the respect you deserve!

Andropause

You raise an interesting question about the aging process when you ask if men experience something similar to menopause in women. The short answer is—you betcha! In fact, it even has a name: andropause. It’s only been recently that the medical industry has started to pay attention to the impact that changing hormonal levels have on the male mind and body. Most often andropause is misdiagnosed as depression and treated with an antidepressant. WRONG!

All men experience a decrease in testosterone, the “male” hormone, as they age. This decline is gradual, often spanning 10 to 15 years. While the gradual decrease of testosterone does not display the profound effects that menopause does, the end results are similar.

And listen: When a physician says that your testosterone level falls within “an acceptable range,” he/she isn’t telling you much. Let’s just say you had an elevated level of testosterone all your life, ’til now. Let’s say that you now register on the lower end of “acceptable.” That would mean that you’ve had a significant loss in testosterone. But your doctor wouldn’t know that, because he/she has no baseline for your normal testosterone level.

There is no doubt that a man’s sexual response changes with advancing age and the decrease of testosterone. Sexual urges diminish, erections are harder to come by, they’re not as rigid, there’s less jizz shot with less oomph. And our refractory period (or interval) between erections is more elongated, too.

Andropausal men might want to consider Testosterone Replacement Therapy (TRT). Just know that most medical professionals resist testosterone therapy. Some mistakenly link Testosterone Replacement Therapy with prostate cancer, even though recent evidence shows prostatic disease is estrogen-dependent rather than testosterone-dependent. I encourage you to be fully informed about TRT before you approach your new sex-positive doctor, because the best medicine is practiced collaboratively—by you and your doctor.

Finally, getting the lead back in your pencil, so to speak, may simply be an issue of taking more time with arousal play. Don’t expect to go from zero to 60 in a matter of seconds like you once did. Also, I suggest that you use a cock ring. But most of all, fuckin’ relax, why don’tcha already? Your anxiety is short-circuiting your wood, my friend. And only you can stop that.

Here’s Gwen, who reports on her husband’s condition:

Dr Dick, My husband and I have been married for 33 years. Our relationship is hell when it comes to sex. My husband is overweight, and he’s stressed out about his elderly parents. Sex is non-existent. He never was the instigator in our relationship. And he is the kind of guy who thinks having sex on the couch as opposed to the bedroom is adventuresome. He has become so boring. I don’t believe the man feels sex should be that important at our ages. (I’m 57 and he’s 62) I, on the other hand, am more sexually aroused and creative than ever now that I am more mature and the kids are out of the house. Menopause and all the sex on the Internet helps too. 😉 Is there anything I can do to make my man return to being a healthy sexual being once again? Thank you.

No—thank you, Gwen. Your complaint is a familiar one. So familiar, in fact, that I regularly offer therapy groups for couples in long-term relationships, like you and your old man, who have, for one reason or another, hit a wall when it comes to their sex lives.

I’m sad to say there’s not much you can do to beef up your sex life if there’s no interest on the part of your husband to do so. I mean, you can lead the horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. You confide that you husband is overweight and stressed; not a happy combination when it comes to his sexual response cycle, even if we don’t factor in his age. In fact, your husband sounds like a heart attack waiting to happen. Perhaps if your challenged him about his general health—encourage weight loss and stress reduction—you might find that it might also reignite his sex drive. It’s worth a try.

And thank you for mentioning menopause. So many women find the changes that take place in midlife confusing and disorientating. It’s so good to hear from someone eager to explore and enjoy her sexuality post-menopause.

It’s clear that as we age, both women and men need more time and stimulation to get aroused. The slower, more sensuous foreplay that often results is a welcome change for most women and even some men. Increased focus on sensuality, intimacy, and communication can help a sexual relationship remain rewarding even well into our most senior years. If your husband is avoiding intercourse, there still many ways of expressing your love and staying connected:

Hugging, cuddling, kissing
Touching, stroking, massage, sensual baths
Mutual masturbation and oral sex

However, if your husband is more wedded to food and to stress than he is to you, and if he continues to refuse to join you in finding an appropriate outlet for your sexual frustration, then it’s up to you to make this happen on your own. Age 57 is way too soon to say goodbye to your sex life.

May I suggest joining a women’s group? Not a therapy group, but more of a support group or activities group. Getting out of the house, involving yourself with other self-actualized mature women, may uncover the secret solutions other women have put in place to find sexual satisfaction when they are without a partner or have a partner who’s no longer interested in them. I think you will be surprised by how creative your sisters can be. Make it happen, Gwen. Don’t sink to the lowest common denominator of living a sexless life.

Good luck!

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Scheduling sex can help partners struggling to get intimate.

— If that’s stifling, try setting erotic time zones instead.

By Serafina Kenny

  • Some people don’t want to have sex as much as, or at the same times as, their partner.
  • Sexologist Shamyra Howard said “erotic time zones” have helped her clients.
  • Erotic time zones are times in the day when you’re more likely to initiate or say yes to sex.

Couples therapists often recommend partners schedule sex when they’re struggling to get it on, but sexologist Shamrya Howard said setting “erotic time zones” can be less restrictive and keep a bit of spontaneity alive.

An erotic time zone is a period of time when you are most likely to feel desire or want sex, according to Howard, a licensed clinical social worker and AASECT-certified sex therapist. They can be useful when partners don’t want sex at the same time, whether that’s because of work schedules or hormone cycles.

For example, if one person wants to have sex at 5pm, their partner might reject them if they tend to be more ready for sex at 11pm — so, telling each other when you are most likely to say yes to sex can help both parties know when’s a good time to initiate.

Plus, Howard said, knowing when your partner’s ETZ is gives you both a chance to flirt with each other “to keep each other warm, until it’s time to heat each other all the way up.” The more you flirt, the more aroused you’ll be, which makes sex better — especially if you have a clitoris, Howard said, because it increases blood flow to the genitals, making orgasm more likely.

Howard told Insider the best ways to establish erotic time zones, and how they can help to lubricate things in the bedroom.

Erotic time zones can help couples experiencing a ‘desire discrepancy’

A “desire discrepancy” is where partners seem to want different amounts of sex or at different times, meaning they have less sex than one or both of them wants, Howard said.

Problems can worsen when one partner tries to initiate sex but gets turned down, leading to feelings of rejection, which could make them less likely to try in future.

By increasing the likelihood of sex, Howard said, erotic time zones can help initiating partners feel less rejected, because they know when they’re more likely to get an enthusiastic yes.

The best way to set up an erotic time zone is to just talk about it

“Most couples don’t talk about sex enough,” Howard said, so she encourages clients to “use their mouths” (not in that way — just yet).

“Everyone has a different sexual recipe for their relationships — certain things that turn you on, the things you do in bed, ways you like to have sex together,” she said. She encourages her clients to talk about this “recipe” as often as possible, and to include an erotic time zone in that chat.

She said the best way to maintain an erotic time zone is to talk as often as you can, because the times you will want to have sex will change, often based on things going on in your life, your mood and stress levels, and your health.

For example, if your ETZ is normally 9 a.m. but you know you have early meetings at work one week, you might tell your partner that it’s best to back off before breakfast for a while.

An erotic time zone doesn’t mean automatic consent

Of course, Howard said, just because someone has indicated that they are more likely to want sex during their erotic time zone, it doesn’t mean that they will always want sex at that time, so initiators still need to look for enthusiastic consent even during an ETZ.

“An ETZ does not mean you are obligated to have sex or that you should expect sex. It is just a way to manage a desire discrepancy in your relationship, not to automatically guarantee sex at a certain time.

“You still need to ask your partner if they are in the right space for sex, and what type of sex too,” she said. Couples might have multiple different erotic time zones for when they are more likely to want to practice kinks, as well as an ETZ for more vanilla sex.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Alcohol Might Be Ruining Your Orgasm

— How much and how often you drink can affect your ability to climax during sexual activity.

By Catherine Pearson

Emma Schmidt, a clinical sexologist in Cincinnati, has lost track of the number of clients she’s seen for low libido and problems orgasming after they’ve first visited a doctor who advised them to “Just relax and have a glass of wine.”

That type of suggestion is not just dismissive, Dr. Schmidt said, but it highlights the gaps in our collective understanding about the interplay between alcohol and sex.

After years of contradictory findings, recent research has made it clear that even moderate drinking poses risks to your overall health. But the question of how alcohol affects sexual health — specifically, orgasms — can be a bit fuzzier.

“Society has long depicted alcohol as a crucial ingredient for romantic encounters,” said Catalina Lawsin, a clinical psychologist who specializes in sexuality. She added that people often mix sex and alcohol because it relaxes them and offers a sense of escapism — and because of a widely held belief that alcohol “elevates sexual prowess and pleasure.”

But the reality, she said, is much more complex.

What happens when you mix alcohol and sex?

“Essentially, there’s no research,” said Dr. Lauren Streicher, a clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine whose work focuses on sexual dysfunction in women.

The data that does exist — much of it from rat studies or small, qualitative investigations — suggests a pattern: Small amounts of alcohol seem to enhance arousal and decrease sexual inhibitions, Dr. Streicher said, but large amounts can suppress arousal and delay or prevent orgasm.

To understand why, it helps to look at the specific processes happening in your brain when you drink.

Alcohol releases dopamine, said Dr. Regina Krel, an assistant professor of neurology with Hackensack Meridian School of Medicine, who described it as “the feel good neurotransmitter.” Researchers believe it helps control desire.

At the same time, alcohol enhances the effects of gamma-aminobutyric acid, or GABA, a chemical messenger that inhibits impulses between nerve cells, essentially slowing the brain down and making a person feel more relaxed.

“It does make you think, ‘Oh, I feel hornier!’” because it lowers inhibitions, said Laurie Mintz, an emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Florida who focuses on human sexuality. “But the irony is that, in fact, it’s a central nervous system depressant.”

That means that alcohol has a dampening effect throughout the brain, Dr. Krel said, including in the prefrontal cortex (which is responsible for things like weighing consequences), the cerebellum (which controls coordination) and the autonomic nervous system (which regulates functions like heart rate and breathing).

Alcohol can hinder the brain’s ability to process sexual stimuli and coordinate muscle contractions, which are central to the orgasmic response, Dr. Lawsin added. “While it may contribute to relaxation and inhibition reduction initially, excessive consumption can interfere with the intricate processes that lead to the intense pleasure and satisfaction of orgasm.”

How much you drink matters.

The experts said that moderate drinking before having sex is usually OK. However, they also stressed that knowing whether alcohol will help lead to orgasm by reducing stress and inhibitions, or get in the way of orgasm by suppressing basic functions, has a lot to do with how often you drink and how much you drink on any given occasion.

Moderate drinking is usually defined in the United States as no more than two drinks a day for men or one drink a day for women. But the way alcohol affects you is determined by a host of factors, including genes, body size and composition, and your history with drinking.

Chronic, heavy use of alcohol has been linked to erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation in men, Dr. Mintz said. Research has also connected alcohol consumption to sexual dysfunction (persistent problems with sexual response, desire and orgasm) in women.

“There isn’t a magic number of drinks that applies to everyone,” Dr. Lawsin said, adding that excessive alcohol use can hamper the connection between partners, as well as impair decision making and the ability to consent to sex.

How to find help with orgasm issues.

If you are experiencing anorgasmia (which is delayed or infrequent orgasms, or no orgasms at all), your first step should be to reach out to a primary care physician or sex therapist who can help determine the root cause or causes and connect you to the right type of specialist or treatment, Dr. Schmidt said.

There could be one or a number of underlying issues affecting your ability to orgasm, including certain health conditions or medications, relationship problems and trauma, as well as your alcohol consumption.

Many primary care doctors, and even some gynecologists and urologists, do not have a specific background in sex medicine, so it can help to ask if they do, she said, and if they have any experience working with patients with anorgasmia.

If alcohol seems to be hampering your orgasms, ask yourself how and why you use alcohol around sex, Dr. Schmidt said, noting that mental health professionals and sex therapists can be a valuable resource.

Do you often or always drink beforehand?

“If someone is using alcohol as a way to be able to have sex,” she said, “or if they feel scared, ashamed or vulnerable having sex without alcohol, then we might want to explore more.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Sexual Health Matters

— An Essential Aspect of Overall Well-Being

By

Regarding our overall well-being, it is crucial not to overlook sexual health. While physical and mental health often take the spotlight, we must not underestimate the importance of sexual health in maintaining a fully functional life. It impacts our physical well-being and plays a significant role in emotional stability. Therefore, prioritizing this aspect of our well-being is essential. In this blog post, we will delve into how good sexual health contributes to a healthier lifestyle.

1. Contributes to Longevity

Good sexual health can remarkably contribute to longevity. Regular sexual activity has been linked to an extended lifespan, promoting physical health in many ways. It works as a form of exercise, burning calories, and strengthening muscles, and it can also boost the immune system, helping the body fend off illness and disease.

Furthermore, it stimulates the release of endorphins and other hormones with myriad health benefits, such as reducing stress, improving sleep, and enhancing heart health. The doctors at Atlanta Men’s Clinic usually recommend regular sexual activity for their patients, which can significantly contribute to a longer and healthier life. Testosterone therapy, a treatment for low testosterone levels, is also known to improve sexual health and overall well-being.

2. Enhances Emotional Connection

Sexual activity can foster a deep emotional connection, especially with an intimate partner. During sex, our bodies release oxytocin, a hormone that promotes feelings of bonding and trust. This strengthens the bond between partners and helps improve overall mental well-being.

Moreover, regular sexual activity can boost self-esteem and confidence, leading to a more positive outlook. For individuals struggling with mental health issues, such as depression or anxiety, incorporating good sexual health practices can significantly impact their emotional well-being. It allows for a safe and intimate space to connect with another person, which can be incredibly therapeutic.

3. Prevents Sexual Dysfunction

Maintaining good sexual health plays a pivotal role in preventing sexual dysfunction. This is an umbrella term for conditions that prevent an individual from enjoying or participating in sexual activity. These conditions include erectile dysfunction, low libido, premature ejaculation among men, arousal disorders, orgasmic disorders, and sexual pain disorders among women.

Regular sexual activity can increase blood flow to the genitals, which can help prevent or alleviate erectile dysfunction. Moreover, maintaining a healthy lifestyle – incorporating exercise, balanced nutrition, adequate sleep, and reduced stress levels – can notably improve sexual performance and prevent dysfunction. Regular check-ups with medical professionals can also help identify and treat underlying issues.

4. Promotes Communication and Consent

Good sexual health practices also involve open and honest communication with sexual partners. Conversations about boundaries, desires, and consent can create a safe space for both individuals to express themselves freely. This not only leads to a more fulfilling sex life but also promotes healthy relationships.

Furthermore, being aware of one’s sexual health and practicing safe sex is crucial in preventing sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Regular STI screenings, protection, and vaccination can significantly reduce the risk of contracting or spreading infections.

5. Promotes Heart Health

Sexual activity serves as a form of exercise that promotes heart health. During sexual activity, the heart rate rises, increasing blood circulation throughout the body, including the heart itself, thereby strengthening the cardiovascular system. It also helps lower blood pressure, a key factor in heart disease prevention.

In addition, engaging in sexual activity releases hormones like oxytocin and endorphins, which can effectively alleviate stress and anxiety, thereby promoting heart health. Given that stress and anxiety are recognized as risk factors for heart disease, reducing these factors can significantly lower the likelihood of developing cardiac problems. Therefore, incorporating regular sexual activity into a well-rounded lifestyle can play a vital role in maintaining a healthy heart.

6. Improves Sleep Quality

Sexual activity has been linked to improved sleep quality due to the release of certain hormones. Post orgasm, the body releases prolactin, a hormone that contributes to feelings of relaxation and sleepiness. Moreover, the previously mentioned oxytocin, also known as the ‘love hormone,’ fosters emotional bonding and promotes better sleep.

This is because oxytocin counteracts the effects of cortisol, the stress hormone, thus helping the body to relax and enabling more restful sleep. Additionally, the physical exertion associated with sexual activity can contribute to better sleep, as it can help tire the body out, making it easier to fall asleep and stay asleep. Therefore, regular sexual activity can benefit good sleep hygiene, contributing to more restful and rejuvenating sleep.

Sexual health should not be overlooked when it comes to maintaining overall well-being. Incorporating good sexual health practices into our daily lives can improve physical, emotional, and relational well-being. Whether it is through regular sexual activity, communication, and consent with partners, or prioritizing medical check-ups, taking care of our sexual health can have a positive impact on our overall health and longevity. So, let us not underestimate the importance of sexual health and make it a priority in our self-care routines.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Are Aphrodisiacs Worth Trying?

— A complementary approach to improving libido

By Anna Giorgi

Aphrodisiacs include food, drinks, or drugs used to increase your libido or sex drive. They may also improve your performance or increase your pleasure during sex.

While some substances can impact your body, research often fails to prove their effect on desire. Others can have harmful or even lethal results. It is also thought that the increased libido you feel from these items may be tied to the placebo effect rather than physical changes.1

This article describes why people use aphrodisiacs and whether there is proof they work. It also includes foods, herbs, and other items that are thought to affect sexual desire.

Reasons People Use Aphrodisiacs

The reasons people use aphrodisiacs vary by individual. Generally, people hope to make sex more enjoyable by increasing their sexual potency and performance.
The motives people have for using aphrodisiacs typically include the following:2

  • Increase libido: Low libido can cause a decreased desire and interest in sex. Your libido is affected by internal and external factors such as hormonal changes, aging, relationship problems, changes in physical conditions, medication side effects, and depression, among other issues. Research suggests that sexual dysfunction (problems that prevent a person from enjoying sexual activity) affects 43% of women and 31% of men.3
  • Extend potency and stamina: Potency and stamina can affect your ability to become and remain aroused during sex. Men may seek aphrodisiacs to counter issues such as erectile dysfunction (ED) (the inability to achieve or maintain a penile erection) and premature ejaculation (ejaculation during sex before satisfaction). For women, problems with potency and stamina may be linked to issues such as vaginal dryness or pelvic pain.3
  • Increase sexual pleasure: Even if libido and potency are not problems, people may seek to improve their sexual experience. Your brain and physical actions work together to lead to the orgasmic phase of sex. People may seek to enhance sexual pleasure by trying aphrodisiacs that promise to act on these triggers.4

    • Do “Natural” Aphrodisiacs Work?

    With all the hype that some substances carry, it’s common to wonder whether aphrodisiacs are real. Generally, most “natural” aphrodisiacs don’t work. According to the Food and Drug Administration (FDA), no supposed over-the-counter (OTC) aphrodisiac is scientifically proven to be effective at meeting its claims.5

    While there is often no sound scientific proof for using these substances, there is some anecdotal and historical evidence that some plant-based substances may impact arousing desires and improving sexual performance.6

    • Support the production of sex hormones
    • Improve blood flow
    • Activate neural pathways that support sexuality

    One of the biggest impacts of natural aphrodisiacs is their impact on your psychological state. While the benefits you achieve may be related to a placebo effect (an improvement in a subject’s condition that can’t be attributed to the treatment itself), anything that makes you feel more relaxed, calm, and confident about your sexuality will likely elevate your libido, performance, and experience.7< Additional natural ways to improve your libido and sexual satisfaction include the following strategies:

    • Participate in regular exercise: Research indicates that regular exercise may lower the risk of erectile dysfunction in men and increase sexual arousal in women.8
    • Eat a healthy diet: Growing evidence supports the role of diet in sexual function. General dietary principles that emphasize a plant-forward diet, such as the Mediterranean diet, can offer many benefits to mental and cardiometabolic health, which support all aspects of reproductive health.9
    • Manage stress: When stressed, your body releases the stress hormone cortisol, intended to be delivered in short bursts of energy to relieve stressors. Chronic stress can suppress sex hormones and lower your sex drive. Stress management techniques like meditation, deep breathing, mindfulness, and massage, can help you de-stress before intimacy and improve your experience.10

    Possible Side Effects

    While so-called natural aphrodisiacs may be viewed as safer than medications because they are readily available without a prescription, that is not always the case.

    The mechanisms of action of many aphrodisiacs can cause a wide range of possible side effects. In addition, the fact that they are not regulated increases the risk of aphrodisiacs being mislabeled, unstandardized, or produced with multiple ingredients whose effects may not be known.11

    Your side effects and the intensity at which they occur depend on many factors, such as other medications you may be taking. In a review of the pharmacology effects of herbal sexual enhancers, researchers reported that interactions of aphrodisiacs with other substances and herbal formulas represent these substances’ most significant health risks.1

    Researchers report that side effects of aphrodisiacs can include many problems, many of which may not be known due to the lack of research and the variety of substances used. These side effects include the following:1

    Aphrodisiac Foods

    Aphrodisiac foods vary by geographic location and culture. While many foods are touted as improving sexual desire and/or performance, most claims are not backed by science and may just help you feel better. However, there is evidence that the following foods may help your sex life:

    • Oysters: While research is lacking to support the belief that oysters promote sexual arousal, oysters are rich in zinc, an essential mineral for men’s health, normal sperm function, and fertilization. This is the basis for the thought that oysters are effective aphrodisiac foods for males. In biology, zinc deficiency is linked with sperm dysfunction, low testosterone levels, and male infertility.12 Raw oysters also contain D-aspartic acid and N-methyl, which have been linked to higher sex hormone levels in animals.13
    • Watermelon: While evidence is lacking on the impact of watermelon on human sex drives, watermelon flesh has had an aphrodisiac effect on male rats. Researchers said the findings support using watermelon flesh for increasing potency and countering ED in men. The impact may be tied to the citrulline amino acid, which helps increase circulation in your sex organs.14
    • Maca root: Maca root is the root of a cruciferous vegetable, which comes from the same family as broccoli, cabbage, and cauliflower, and is rich in vitamin C, zinc, copper, and calcium. In one study, an increase in sexual desire was reported by half of all participants who consumed 3 grams of maca root for 12 weeks. Improvements in mood, energy, and health-related quality of life, which can promote a healthier sex life, were also reported.15
    • Apples: Apples are rich in quercetin, a type of flavonoid, a substance that has anticancer, antioxidant, antiviral, and anti-inflammatory properties. Research shows that quercetin can lower blood pressure, helping men avoid high blood pressure linked to erectile dysfunction.16 In one study, male participants with a higher fruit intake achieved a 14% reduction in erectile dysfunction, possibly due to their flavonoid content.17
    • Red wine: Research indicates that alcohol can increase sexual arousal in women. In one study, women who drank one to two glasses of red wine daily reported more sexual desire and better sexual function.18
    • Some meats: Certain high-protein foods like beef, chicken, and pork contain compounds that improve blood flow, a key element in sexual response among males and females. These compounds include L-carnitine, L-arginine , and zinc. Research indicates that arginine supplements significantly improved ED in participants who took these supplements vs. those who took placebo or no treatment.19

    Aphrodisiac Herbs

    The following herbs have been used as aphrodisiacs:

    • Ashwagandha: The Indian herbal remedy ashwagandha shows promise as a natural “female Viagra” (working like a drug prescribed to males for erectile dysfunction), based on the positive effects reported from studies of sexual dysfunction in both women and men. It is believed to have medicinal benefits in treating several conditions and as an aphrodisiac.20
    • Cannabis: Research indicates that cannabis has sexually stimulating effects. This herb can increase sexual desire and intensify sexual experiences for both men and women. It may also indirectly enhance sexual function by increasing relaxation and sensory focus. However, too much of it may inhibit sexual function and satisfaction.21
    • Fenugreek: Fenugreek is an annual plant whose seeds are used in South Asian cooking. It appears to contain compounds that your body can use to make the sex hormones estrogen and testosterone. In a small study that included women with low sex drives, participants who took a daily 600 milligram dose of fenugreek extract showed a significant increase in sexual arousal and desire in women.22
    • Ginseng: Ginseng is the root of a plant that is used as a dietary supplement, aphrodisiac, and in treatments in Chinese medicine. Ginseng is said to trigger the release of nitric oxide (NO), which promotes the dilation of blood vessels. This improves blood flow to the penis, improving an erection.23
    • Horny goat weed: Horny goat weed is a type of flowering plant used in traditional Chinese medicine. The results of animal studies indicate that this herb may have aphrodisiac properties by impacting hormone regulation and increasing blood flow to the penis.24
    • Chlorophytum borivliianum: Chlorophytum borivliianum can be useful for treating certain forms of sexual difficulties like premature ejaculation and oligospermia (low sperm count). Researchers attributed the observed effects to the testosterone-like effects of the extracts.25
    • Yohimbe: Yohimbe comes from the bark of certain trees that grow in India and Africa. In the United States, it is administered by prescription to treat sexual dysfunction. It is also included in some OTC supplements.

    However, whether over-the-counter Yohimbe products provide the same benefits as the prescription is uncertain. Research is lacking on whether its use as a dietary supplement is useful as an aphrodisiac. It has been linked with seizures and heart attacks.26

    Preparing Herbs

    Many herbs are consumed as a beverage after special preparation using an infusion or decoction technique. While an infusion is used for leaves, a decoction is usually reserved for harder herbs like roots, bark, and seeds. These brewing methods are performed using the following steps:27

    Infusion:

    1. Pour hot water over dried leaves, berries, or other plant matter.
    2. Wait to allow the matter to steep in the hot water (timing varies by ingredient).
    3. Remove the plant matter before drinking.

    Decoction:

    1. Grind or crush the root, bark, or seeds.
    2. Heat the required quantity of herbs with water for about 30 minutes, until about 50% of the water is lost.
    3. Remove the plant matter before drinking.

    Why Work With a Registered Herbalist?

    Herbs and other natural treatments are not regulated for content and quality the way drugs are in the United States. Working with a registered herbalist from the American Herbalist Guild can help you use these substances safely. Registered herbalists have completed professional training in the use of herbs and plants as aphrodisiacs and other treatments.

    Aphrodisiac Supplements

    The following natural substances are used are often used as aphrodisiac supplements:

    • Arginine: L-arginine is an amino acid that causes the dilation of tiny blood vessels and increases blood flow. In a study of men with ED and no underlying diseases, daily high doses of L-arginine caused improvement in sexual function.28
    • L-carnitine: L-carnitine is an amino acid present in many foods, especially those of animal origins like beef and chicken. Research shows that this substance may increase sperm maturation, sperm motility, and sperm production.29
    • Zinc: A study of 116 postmenopausal women with low zinc levels showed that zinc supplementation can improve testosterone levels and sexual function in postmenopausal women. Women who took zinc supplements reported improved sexual desire, arousal, satisfaction, vaginal moisture, orgasm, and less pain during intercourse vs. the control group.30

    Summary

    The use of aphrodisiacs involves a search for ways to increase sexual craving, performance, and pleasure that has lasted for thousands of years. While certain foods, herbs, and other products may affect the way you feel, most claims have little to no proof based on science.

    However, some products may have value. Those that work to increase blood flow may help improve blood flow to the genitals. This can be helpful for people who have problems with circulation.

    Other products may have value in the placebo effect. This can make you expect better sex and thereby achieve it.

    Consult your healthcare provider before using herbs or other new products. While these products may not have a big impact on your sex life, some can cause problems by mixing with prescribed drugs or other treatments.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    What is delayed ejaculation?

    — Here’s what you need to know about this little-talked about problem

    Delayed ejaculation has several possible causes, including certain prescription drugs and medical issues, like low testosterone.

    By Martha Kempner

    While guys who climax too quickly, like the high school teen who can’t even get his pants off before it’s all over, is a well-known issue, there’s a flip side to that problem: being able to go and go and go without reaching orgasm, a condition known as delayed ejaculation.

    There isn’t a lot of research on it, but a 2016 study estimated that between 1% and 4% of men experience delayed ejaculation all the time or when with a partner. The researchers also noted that it’s the “least studied and least understood of male sexual dysfunctions.”

    Delayed ejaculation is the inability to climax within a reasonable amount of time. What’s reasonable varies for each person, but some experts cite needing more than 30 minutes of sexual stimulation to reach orgasm as a sign of a problem. There’s no need to get out a stopwatch; the real test of whether this is an issue is how often it’s happening and how you and your partner feel about it.

    We rarely talk about men’s sexual health, and the feelings of failure that can come with not being able to climax mean we talk about this issue even less than others like premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction. Ignoring it, however, may trap couples in a cycle of anxiety that ends with one or both partners deciding it’s better to avoid sex altogether than have this happen again. Spoiler alert: It’s not.

    Here are some ways to break that cycle.

    Talk to your partner

    Don’t let this become the elephant in the room — or in your bed. “Without talking about the issue, our minds are left to speculate and ruminate,” Ian Kerner, a sex therapist and author of She Comes First, tells Yahoo Life. “A partner may start to worry that maybe the person with DE is no longer attracted to them or is bored by the sex.”

    Communication is crucial, and Kerner notes that how we address these subjects matters. “When having these sorts of conversations, always begin with how you’re feeling and your own vulnerability,” he says. “Start with ‘Hey, I’ve been feeling anxious.’ Generally talking about the elephant in the room is a relief and gets you on the same team.”

    Rule out medical issues

    Medical issues known to cause delayed ejaculation include low testosterone, spinal cord injuries and certain infections. DE can also be a side effect of common prescription drugs, such as antidepressants and blood pressure medications. A new study found that DE is associated with more underlying health issues — both physical, such as testicular dysfunction, and emotional, such as anxiety — than premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction.

    Dr. Michael Eisenberg, a urologist at Stanford University, says that a health care provider can assess whether a medical problem is causing delayed ejaculation. “We will evaluate the timing of the condition, determine if it’s situational, assess hormones and determine underlying health conditions,” he tells Yahoo Life.

    Change your routine

    Delayed ejaculation can also be caused by desensitization of the penis. Dr. Jesse Mills, director of the UCLA Men’s Health Clinic, tells Yahoo Life that, like all other parts of our bodies, penises can lose sensitivity as we age. They can also get used to certain triggers: “The key to orgasm is friction,” Mills explains. “There’s no orifice as tight as a man’s own hand. If that’s what he’s used to, he may have sensitivity issues he has to overcome.”

    Masturbation is good for you, but if you suspect desensitization, consider cutting back, especially when you’re expecting to have partnered sex soon.

    Resetting your expectations can also help. Remember that penetrative sex isn’t everything. Just as many women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, you may need something more intense as well. Consider adding some sex toys, such as a prostate massager or a vibrating sleeve, which can amp up your orgasm. There’s also nothing wrong with finishing using your own hands while your partner curls up next to you.

    Find an expert

    If you are still having trouble finishing, it may be time to see an expert, whether that’s a sexual medicine doctor or a sex therapist.

    Mills is a member of the Sexual Medicine Society of North America, a group that includes urologists, gynecologists, neurologists and sex therapists. He says this is a great place to start, since the website can help you find providers in your area. The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists can also help you find a certified sex therapist near you. “Anybody that has specialized training and interest in sex can get the workup rolling,” he says.

    A sexual medicine expert can also help couples who are dealing with DE while they are trying to get pregnant. Eisenberg says there are medical ways to assist with ejaculation or sperm extraction, which can help couples separate fertility issues and sexual concerns.

    Sex is supposed to be pleasurable and relieve our stress, not cause it. If you’re having trouble reaching orgasm, talk to your partner and reach out to medical and mental health experts for help.

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    Beyond Pleasure

    — How Intimate Gadgets Foster Deeper Connections

    By

    One of the most beautiful feelings in the world is sharing a deep connection with your partner. Intimacy is essential in love. To sustain intimacy in a long-term connection, it is important to keep the spark alive. One of the ways to achieve that is by adding intimate gadgets to the mix. 

    Intimate gadgets are a new way for couples to explore and improve their sexual experiences and deepen their connection. Right from visiting an adult toys shop to incorporating these in your intimate experiences, these aids can heighten sexual stimulation and improve sex life in general.

    How Intimate Gadgets Aid in Building Deeper Connections

    Aside from exploring new sexual horizons, these gadgets can also build trust and strengthen the bond between couples. You might ask, “How?” In this article, we will explore how these toys can help you and your partner develop a deeper connection. Let’s delve into them.

    1. More room for open communication

    Communication is the backbone of any successful relationship and is crucial for building a deeper connection between partners. Incorporating Intimate gadgets into sexual activities can open up new avenues for you and your partner to communicate about and be expressive.

    It can help you articulate your desires and preferences better and become more open to trying new things. Even when you’re physically away from your partners, you can still get intimate remotely. There are intimate gadgets that facilitate these remote interactions and experiences.

    2. Enhanced sexual well-being

    Intimate gadgets can help improve their sexual experience. Medical studies have shown that certain devices like vibrating rings, massage oil, or lubricants help with sexual stimulation. This is quite helpful for individuals with conditions that make sex uncomfortable or even painful because these conditions decrease sexual intimacy and connection between partners.

    In cases of erectile dysfunction or low libido, intimate gadgets can allow couples to try other methods and reignite their intimate lives. Intimate gadgets are also beneficial to individuals who have experienced sexual trauma or have difficulty reaching orgasm.

    They provide comfort and pleasure and can help to reclaim sexual autonomy and overcome the negative effects of such trauma. A 2020 study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy revealed that the use of vibrators improved sexual function and reduced sexual distress in women who had difficulty achieving orgasm.

    3. Emotional intimacy

    There is a popular belief that intimate gadgets weaken emotional connections, but this is far from the truth. In fact, studies have shown that they can increase emotional closeness between partners.

    Research has shown that the use of intimate gadgets can help partners to deeply understand and connect with each other. They help couples who use intimate gadgets experience higher levels of trust, openness, and vulnerability within their relationships.

    A study conducted by the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University revealed that participants who used vibrators with their partners reported higher levels of intimacy, communication, and satisfaction in their relationships. This suggests that beyond the pleasure that these gadgets offer, they can help to strengthen intimate connections between partners. These devices act as a catalyst for partners to share their desires and insecurities.

    4. Rekindling lost intimacy

    Any relationship can experience a strain or lack of intimacy. New couples might still find it a bit awkward to talk about sex or sexual activities. Long-term relationships are more likely to experience strain due to factors like distance, stress, work, lack of trust due to previous experiences, and even financial responsibilities.

    Partners can rekindle lost intimacy with intimate gadgets. Adopting intimate gadgets in a bedroom provides a safe place that minimizes the awkwardness that may occur when it comes to sexual discussions and activities and promotes trust between partners. Discussing such sensitive experiences with your partner automatically increases the level of comfort in sharing certain fantasies and finding common ground.

    When the passion wanes, intimate toys can come in. It reinvigorates the passion between partners to promote maximum sexual satisfaction even in long-term relationships.

    5. Exploration

    One significant aspect of deepening intimacy is trying new things. Couples need to be vulnerable to explore and experiment with each other’s desires. Intimate gadgets can help couples discover new things about their bodies.

    They provide a safe environment for you and your partner to explore fantasies together, learn what excites your partner, and find ways to satisfy each other’s needs. Exploration provides knowledge, and when you know the sweet spots in your erogenous zones, you can reach orgasms far more easily. This improves sex in general.

    Now you can see that aside from their primary function of providing pleasure, intimate gadgets have the potential to foster deeper connections with your partners. They enhance relationships, improve communication, and promote sexual wellness. As technology continues to advance, it will be even more fascinating to see how intimate gadgets evolve and continue to play a role in fostering deeper and more meaningful connections between partners. The benefits of intimate gadgets when it comes to building a deeper romantic connection are not limited to heterosexual couples. These gadgets are inclusive of all sexual orientations and gender identities.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    Are You Adrift in a Sexless Relationship?

    — People in their 50s are having less sex than they’d like. Here’s how to turn things around

    By Ken Budd

    Steve Walsh and his wife, Linda (not their real names), last had sex in 2012. The Walshes married in 2003, raised three children in western Washington state and shared a deep Christian faith. Still, numerous challenges made their bedroom a no-sex zone. Linda survived breast cancer, but the medications lowered her libido. Steve also believes she suffers from undiagnosed depression. Over time their relationship deteriorated, and their sex life ended. The couple are now divorcing.

    Steve, 58, is nervous about dating yet eager to end 10 years of agonizing celibacy. “I want so badly to have that closeness with someone,” he says. “I dream about it.”

    A surprisingly high percentage of people in their 50s are living sexless lives — and the number is growing. In 2018, 20 percent of Americans ages 50 to 59 hadn’t had sex in the past year. By 2022, the number was 30 percent, according to data from the biannual General Social Survey (GSS), conducted by the University of Chicago’s National Opinion Research Center. How bad is that? The sexless rate was just under 10 percent for Americans ages 40 to 49 and around 12 percent for those 30 to 39.

    Even sexually active 50-somethings aren’t necessarily satisfied, according to a new AARP study called “Ageless Desire: Sex and Relationships in Middle Age and Beyond.” Forty-three percent of people in their 50s are not having sex as often as they wish they were, the survey found.

    Percentage of Americans 50–59 who aren’t having sex

    Women

    25% in 2016
    41% in 2022

    Men

    15% in 2016
    18% in 2022

    Although the COVID pandemic didn’t ignite this trend, it did accelerate it, says Nicholas H. Wolfinger, who studies the GSS data as a professor of family and consumer studies and adjunct professor of sociology at the University of Utah. Why might this be? Gen Xers are facing multiple mojo-reducing challenges, including sandwich-generation stress and fatigue. Physical changes due to menopause or health issues such as high blood pressure and diabetes can wreak havoc on the libido. Renée Yvonne, a certified sex counselor in Washington, D.C., who specializes in Gen Xers, once dated a man with a low sex drive due to a drug he was taking. “I felt embarrassed because we’re taught that all men want sex,” she recalls. “I thought something was wrong with me.”

    For singles, finding a partner in your 50s can feel like entering an alien universe. Just 23 percent of Americans in their 50s have ever used a dating website or app, and only 5 percent did so within the past year, according to a Pew Research Center study. “When we first started dating, there weren’t all of these apps,” Yvonne says. “Some people just say, ‘Why am I going through this?’ ”

    But there is hope. To rev up your sex life, consider this advice from medical and psychological experts.

    If your sex drive has diminished …

    Call the doctor. Get a physical, and make sure any chronic ailments are under control. Don’t be shy about mentioning your libido. Women can talk to the gynecologist about treatments such as vaginal estrogen. “Dryness is an easily reversible condition,” says Jen Gunter, an ob-gyn in San Francisco and author of The Menopause Manifesto.

    Lighten up. Being overweight can affect your sex drive physiologically and emotionally. Dissatisfaction with your looks “translates to low sexual self-esteem,” says Westchester County, New York, gynecologist Alyssa Dweck, chief medical officer with Bonafide Health and coauthor of The Complete A to Z for Your V.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    A New Way to Prevent S.T.I.s

    — A Pill After Sex

    By Apoorva Mandavilli

    In a bid to stem the resurgence of sexually transmitted infections, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention plans to recommend doxycycline, a widely used antibiotic, for use after an unprotected sexual encounter.

    The antibiotic would be taken only by gay and bisexual men and transgender women who have had an S.T.I. within the previous year or who may be at risk for one. The scientific evidence is too limited to recommend the strategy, called doxy-PEP, to all people who might be exposed to infection-causing bacteria during sex.

    The agency released draft guidelines on Monday and plans to finalize them after a 45-day public comment period.

    A close-up view of a bottle of the antibiotic doxycycline, held by a hand in a pharmacy.
    “We need game-changing innovations to turn the S.T.I. epidemic around, and this is a major step in the right direction,” an official with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said.

    Why It Matters: Rates of S.T.I.s are skyrocketing.

    In 2021, there were 1.6 million cases of chlamydia, more than 700,000 cases of gonorrhea and nearly 177,000 cases of syphilis in the United States, together tallying up to $1.1 billion in direct medical costs. (Rates of babies born with syphilis also soared that year, with nearly 3,000 affected.)

    All three S.T.I.s are caused by bacteria and are easily treated with antibiotics. But the closure of sexual health clinics across the country and a drop in public awareness has contributed to a sharp rise in infections.

    Gonorrhea cases have increased 118 percent since a historical low in 2009, according to the C.D.C. Syphilis was nearly eliminated in the United States about 20 years ago, but cases have risen 74 percent since 2017.

    On any given day in 2018, about one in five Americans had an S.T.I., the C.D.C. has estimated.

    “We need game-changing innovations to turn the S.T.I. epidemic around, and this is a major step in the right direction,” Dr. Jonathan Mermin, director of the agency’s National Center for H.I.V., Viral Hepatitis, S.T.D. and TB Prevention, said in an emailed statement.

    The C.D.C.’s guidelines are based on studies that show that a single dose of doxycycline taken within 72 hours of unprotected sex dramatically cuts the risk of the infections.

    Evidence from emerging research was compelling enough that clinics in some cities, such as San Francisco, have been offering doxy-PEP to those at high risk of infection for months. Generally, patients are given a supply of pills and told to take one within three days of an encounter during which they might have become infected.

    But rates of S.T.I.s are highest among Black people and Native Americans, who are often those with the least access to health care. “No prevention tool — no matter how powerful — will change the S.T.I. epidemic if it doesn’t reach the people who need it most,” Dr. Mermin said.

    Doxycycline has been in use for decades, and there are few indications that bacteria have become resistant to it. Syphilis and chlamydia do not often develop resistance, but gonorrhea is another question: Those bacteria have become resistant to multiple classes of antibiotics.

    Still, the picture may change depending on how many people take doxy-PEP and how often, some experts cautioned.

    “At the population level, that does worry me,” said Antón Castellanos Usigli, a sexual health expert who is an adjunct lecturer at the Columbia Mailman School of Health.

    In places like his native Mexico, Dr. Castellanos Usigli said, indiscriminate use of antibiotics has fueled the rise of drug-resistant bacteria, which can alter a person’s gut microbiome.

    What Happens Next: The C.D.C. will finalize new guidelines.

    Evidence so far supports doxy-PEP’s use only in men who have sex with men and in transgender women. In those groups, the antibiotic cut rates of syphilis and chlamydia by about 90 percent and gonorrhea by about 55 percent.

    Men who have sex with men account for nearly half of reported syphilis cases, according to the C.D.C. If studies show the approach to be effective in heterosexual cisgender men and cisgender women, the guidelines may be expanded.

    The agency said doctors should prescribe doxy-PEP as part of a comprehensive sexual health program that includes counseling, screening and treatment for the infections and for H.I.V.

    “Doxy-PEP will be a good option for some patients,” Dr. Castellanos Usigli said. “But we will have to do a lot of education with medical providers and patients so that we target the best candidates and prevent misuse and overuse.”

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    Ways To Ask Your New Partner To Get Tested This Sexual Health Awareness Month

    By Zayna Allen

    Having new sexual partners can be fun and exciting, but it’s important to make responsible decisions. That includes having tough conversations. But luckily for you, September is Sexual Health Awareness Month! What better time to have an open and honest discussion about one of the most crucial aspects of any romantic relationship: sexual health.

    Sexual health awareness empowers individuals to make informed decisions about their physical and emotional well-being. It also helps maintain trust and transparency in a relationship, whether long-term or just for the moment.

    One of the most essential discussions with a new partner is getting tested for sexually transmitted infections. While this conversation may feel daunting, it’s necessary for any sexual dynamic to keep you and your partner safe. Here are some ways to have the conversation with ease.

    Conversations About Getting Tested

    Consider Timing

    One of the most important aspects about initiating this type of conversation is choosing the best moment. Timing is everything. Avoid discussing this sensitive topic when you or your partner are stressed, tired, or in the middle of an argument. When introducing the conversation, make sure to make it as normal as possible. Begin by stressing that sexual health is a part of responsible adulting. Present the idea of getting tested as something you both do for each other’s peace of mind. Emphasize that it’s not about trust but rather about taking care of each other’s health.

    Use “I”

    As with any difficult conversation with a partner, using “I” statements is essential. This helps you avoid sounding accusatory. For example, say, “I think it’s important for both of us to get tested” instead of “You should get tested.” Creating a safe space should be one of the top priorities.

    Remain Patient and Supportive

    Although you are doing your best to create a calm conversation, you should always brace yourself for their reaction. Your partner could be entirely on board, or they could take offense to the conversation and need some time to think. No matter what, you should remain patient and supportive regardless of their initial response.

    Respect Your Partner

    Respect your partner’s decision, whatever it may be. Whether they agree to get tested immediately or need more time, continue to communicate openly and empathetically about your relationship’s health and well-being. Stand firm on your stance that this is important to you.

    Lead With Confidence

    Asking your new partner to get tested doesn’t have to be awkward. Remember to embrace it with confidence and compassion, knowing it’s vital to nurturing the dynamic between you.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    Testosterone and Low Libido in Women

    — Testosterone plays a major role in a woman’s sex drive. But if that sex drive fizzles, replacing the hormone with a supplement isn’t as simple as it sounds.

    One of the issues with testosterone supplements is that they have side effects, such as acne and hair growth.

    By Ashley Welch

    Testosterone may be known as a male sex hormone, but women need it, too. Testosterone is part of what drives female desire, fantasy, and thoughts about sex. It also plays a role in ovarian function, bone strength, and the overall well-being of women, says Kelli Burroughs, MD, an obstetrician-gynecologist at Memorial Hermann in Houston. Yet while your testosterone level plays a key role in your sex drive, taking it in supplement form to treat low libido remains controversial.

    Here’s what doctors know about testosterone’s role in low libido in women and how the hormone might be used as a treatment.

    Testosterone Helps Fuel Our Sex Drive

    Women’s testosterone levels gradually go down as they age, and lower amounts of the hormone can also reduce muscle mass, affect skeletal health, impact mood, cause fatigue, and decrease sensitivity in the vagina and clitoris, which affects libido, Dr. Burroughs says.

    A drop in testosterone levels is believed to be the reason sex drive goes down after menopause, according to the North American Menopause Society.

    Research Remains Unclear

    Although it’s common for men to take testosterone to treat low libido, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) hasn’t approved testosterone replacement therapy for women. Some doctors do prescribe it for women as an off-label use, notes Jenna M. Turocy, MD, an ob-gyn at NewYork-Presbyterian Columbia University Irving Medical Center in New York City. “These products include testosterone skin patches, gels, creams or ointments, pills, implants, and injections, often designed and government-approved for men,” Dr. Turocy says.

    Testosterone doses provided by these formulations generally are much too high for females, so women are given a fraction (usually one-tenth) of the dose that men are prescribed, notes Barbara Schroeder, MD, an assistant professor and ob-gyn with UTHealth Houston.

    “There is no dose that we can say is absolutely safe for women,” she explains. “There are no large randomized trials that have looked at this.” That’s why Dr. Schroeder says to check baseline testosterone levels and re-check them every three to six months to make sure they’re not too high. “The goal is to aim for testosterone levels that are in the normal premenopausal range,” she adds.

    Still, testosterone supplementation for women with low sex drive is rarely recommended in the United States, especially for premenopausal females, given the limited data on safety and efficacy, Turocy explains.

    One of the main issues is that testosterone has side effects. Acne and hair growth at the application site are the most common, Schroeder says. Changes in your voice, weight gain, hair loss, oily skin, mood changes, and an enlarged clitoris, may also occur, Turocy adds.

    But the biggest concern involves testosterone’s long-term safety in women, as no robust scientific studies have looked at potential lasting effects.

    In a review of 36 randomized controlled trials published in the Lancet Diabetes & Endocrinology in October 2019, researchers determined that testosterone therapy is effective at increasing sexual function in post-menopausal women. They noted that when taken orally, testosterone was linked to significant increases in LDL, or “bad” cholesterol, and reductions in total cholesterol, HDL, or “good” cholesterol, and triglycerides. These effects were not seen with testosterone patches or creams. More importantly, the researchers concluded that “data are insufficient to draw conclusions about the effects of testosterone on musculoskeletal, cognitive, and mental health and long-term safety and use in premenopausal women.”

    What Else May Help With Low Libido

    If you have low libido, testosterone may help, but it’s important to weigh the benefits with the risks. Know that there are other options that may be beneficial.

    “If concerned about low sex drive, women should consult a knowledgeable healthcare provider who can evaluate their individual medical history, symptoms, and hormone levels,” Turocy says. “It’s essential to take a comprehensive look at their sexual health, considering not only hormonal factors but also psychological, emotional, and relational aspects.”

    Other potential causes of low sex drive, such as stress, relationship problems, medication side effects, or underlying medical conditions, like nerve issues or endometriosis, should be explored and addressed before considering hormone supplementation, she says.

    Finally, don’t ignore the power of healthy lifestyle modifications. “Implementing healthy lifestyle changes such as diet and exercise can also boost energy levels and self-image perception resulting in increased libido,” Burroughs says. According to a study published in July 2021 in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, regular exercise one to six hours per week was associated with benefits in desire, arousal, lubrication and sex-related distress in women experiencing sexual dysfunction.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    How to Raise Sex Positive Kids

    — And Why It’s So Important To

    By

    I will never forget the time I found my eight-year-old watching porn. I was in shock at first and had no idea how to handle it, but I swallowed my inhibitions and used the opportunity to open the lines of communication around sex, which went really well.
    Unfortunately, many parents are not as likely to do the same. It’s just the world we live in. But that needs to change.

    There are few topics as stigmatized as sex. By extension, the term “sex positive” is highly misunderstood. So what does sex positive mean? It is merely what it sounds like: having a positive attitude toward anything relating to sex. It’s a simple enough concept, yet most fail to grasp it. In fact, if you mention anything remotely sexual in a conversation, people will often laugh, get uncomfortable, feel awkward and usually make jokes. But it’s no laughing matter.

    When there are teenagers going to jail for throwing babies in trash cans and dumpsters to avoid admitting to their parents they had sex and got pregnant, it’s not funny.

    When there are young members of the LGBTQ+ community who would rather take their own lives than face another day of bullying, it’s not funny.

    When there are children expelled, suspended, even arrested, for sharing explicit images of their “peers” on social media, it’s not funny.

    When the young people in those images are cyberbullied and slut-shamed to the point of contemplating suicide, it is not funny.

    We are living in a society where many still cling to yesterday’s toxic, close-minded ideals. The outdated school of thought behind everything from female anatomy to gender identity is simply not going away fast enough. So what do we do? It’s up to us as parents to break the cycle and teach our children how to think openly, be accepting, respectful and understanding of others, and to make the right decisions for themselves and their own sexual health.

    I sat down with Melissa Pintor Carnagey, sexuality educator, licensed social worker and founder of Sex Positive Families, an organization that helps foster healthy attitudes toward sex in young people. Melissa believes that all children deserve holistic, comprehensive, and shame-free sexuality education so they can live informed, empowered, and safer lives. Her website is a wealth of knowledge for families, with information on a wide array of topics and tips on everything from puberty to pornography. She also hosts interactive virtual workshops for tweens, teens and their trusted adults.

    I reached out to Melissa to learn how parents can begin to break the generational taboos and misconceptions around sexuality. She broke it all down for us with the points below.

    Sex positivity is not sexualization.

    Me: Can you define the term “sex positive”?

    Melissa: There’s a misconception about what sex positivity even means or is, and some people can think that it just means being completely permissive about sex or not having limits or boundaries about sex, or that it’s about being very sexual or very erotic, partially because a lot of our media is about sexualizing and erotisizing bodies and sex.

    Sex positivity really is about having an open, shame free, honest way of looking at bodies, sex, relationships, all these very human things, and taking away the taboo around it. Being sex positive doesn’t mean that you’re just having lots of sex and that that’s what defines your sex positivity. It’s not just about a person’s sex life. It’s really about making sense of your own choices and your own decisions and also respecting those of other people as well.

    Start young. It’s not The Talk; it’s many talks.

    Me: When should you have “the talk” with your kids?

    Melissa: A lot of parents might think you need to discuss it all at once, but no. It’s definitely a series of conversations, a lot of teachable moments that happen over time. We are sending our kids messages about bodies, about identity, about relationships, about consent or lack of consent, gender identity literally from the time they’re born. So when we realize that we’re sending them these messages, we also understand that we’re creating the constructs of all of these things in our homes, in our families, and in our communities. It’s to our benefit to recognize the influence that we have and that it’s early. And then we can just get intentional about what we want to help foster with our children and that it really can be a collaboration.

    Melissa: It’s so important that we normalize talking about periods, about where babies come from, and not just, staying in taboo and promoting fear around sex or seeing these things as inappropriate. Sex is how most of us get here. And kids at a young age often wonder, Where do babies come from? They see their teacher or family members that are pregnant and they have questions about that. That’s an opportunity to plant the seed that ultimately helps to foster comfortable talks about sex so that as they develop and their worldview starts to change and evolve.

    But if you keep it silent, if you say, don’t ask that, that’s for adults, or you’re not supposed to talk about that, you’re not supposed to know about that, or if they can see you’re visibly uncomfortable, you shut down and you don’t open that back up to them. That’s a learned taboo. They learn, oh, I’m not allowed to talk about that. I don’t know why. But now I’m not going to ask and I’m not going to be curious. Then when you try later on, when you realize there’s a situation that comes up, and they’re like 13 or 14, and you’re trying to talk to them, they’re going to be uncomfortable because every other message that was sent, either direct or indirect, up to that point, told them that this is not okay to talk about. So they may find other unhealthy ways to learn about it.

    It’s not just about sex. Early conversations should include bodily autonomy.

    Me Where do you even start?

    Melissa: So from the beginning parents can ask themselves, how can I be intentional or just aware of what messages I’m sending? What are my kids observing? And that it isn’t just something that’s hormones and puberty and teenage years – hopefully by then we’ve already sent them a whole lot of messages.

    If we want to help foster openness around sex, then the talks might start early with consent, helping young people understand their own bodies, giving them accurate names for their body parts, especially the genitals. Help them understand safe and unsafe touch, and who is allowed to help them when they may still need help. Whether it’s going to the bathroom or bathing or changing their clothes, or at their medical appointments; these are some of those teachable moments. When they’re greeting others in the family or even in your own home, are those interactions forced, or are we inviting or asking? Are we giving options as opposed to saying go give your grandma a hug, even if they don’t want to. Bodily autonomy is a foundational aspect that ultimately will support their understanding of sex and healthy sexuality.

    It’s important for parents to break the cycle instead of passing it on.

    Me: How do parents overcome their own issues stemming from being raised in a non-sex positive world?

    So many of us weren’t taught these things. They weren’t modeled to us. And so we may have been confused as we were experimenting with sex or relationships along our own journey. We may have actually had experiences that are abuse or trauma as opposed to sex, because sex should always involve consent. And that consent should be ongoing and clear. There are many of us that have had interactions that were not consensual, or that were coerced in different ways. And so a lot of that that is taking a look at our own understanding of these topics, how well do we know our own bodies, especially people that have vulvas, people that have vaginas and uteruses because our education system is so patriarchal and taboo and stigmatized when it comes to anything related to sexual health. There are so many of us that didn’t get the education that we needed and deserved to understand how our bodies actually work.

    It’s never too late to start the conversation.

    Me: What if your kids are already tweens or teens and you’ve never talked about sex with them or you weren’t as open to begin with?

    Melissa: We’ve got to take the brave steps to be vulnerable and be honest and so that could sound like ‘I realized that I have not been as open as I could have been with you about bodies, about sex, about puberty, about relationships, whatever it is that you want to talk about and that’s on me. But it’s important that we learn about these things and that you know who you can turn to. So I want to change that. I would love for us to start having conversations or start you know, talking more openly about these things.’

    And then that little piece opens up empathy. For many of us, it can just sound like, ‘when I was growing up, I didn’t have anyone that I could talk to about this. It wasn’t normal for us when I was your age, so then I didn’t know how to handle it as you’ve been growing up. But I’m learning. I’m learning a lot of things now and I want to make sure you have support. I want to do that differently for you. It might feel awkward, it might feel uncomfortable. That’s okay. This is something that we can work on together.’

    And then you just kind of weave it into everyday moments. It isn’t about staring your kid face to face in a confrontational, high pressure kind of way. Maybe you make time to go on a walk together or you build something together or you go have an ice cream date together something that says, this is time for us. And then in the midst of that time, you naturally kind of move into something. And the more you have those one-on-one times, especially when you have more than one kid that’s really important because then they can feel special. The more that you have that you integrate that, the more you might notice that they bring up things about what’s going on in their worlds.

    Self-exploration is encouraged for all genders.

    Me: How do you approach the topic of masturbation with your kids, and how important is it?

    One thing that I teach about when we talk about masturbation, and particularly when we talk about the clitoris, is that we need to help our kids understand and normalize what may feel good to them. This is so that they can know what does not – which ultimately helps keep them safer before they invite anyone else to play with their body. It’s important for them to understand for themselves, and that helps them establish their own boundaries, their own limits.

    Unfortunately, that didn’t happen for so many of us. There are so many people with a clitoris as adults that are deep in their adulthood and still never have experienced orgasm. We can trace that back to a major lack of body literacy. There’s been no foundational understanding. But interestingly, people with penises don’t seem to have that same problem. Why do you think that is? It was 1998 when scientists discovered the full body of the clitoris. Wow, why did it take them so long to realize that this is a full body part and not just this little tip? So this is all a part of us changing this narrative on a broader level, and it starts with these conversations that we can have with our young people so that they know yes, that’s your clitoris, and yes it can feel good because it has thousands of nerve endings. Just like the penis has thousands of nerve endings. Those two body parts are homologous which means that they are made of similar structure. Just like you might explain why the heart beats or how hearing works or all the things that they learn about in school – but these things that are so vital to their safety and their well being as humans, are conveniently left out of the conversation.

    You might say to your child ‘I love that you’re getting to know your body. And this is not something that we do in the living room while people are around or at the dinner table or at the grocery store. That’s something that we do in private so that you can get to know your body. These parts are really sensitive. That’s why we were clothed to cover them so that they stay protected. And no one else is allowed to touch your clitoris, your penis, your anus.’ All of that can happen in these little teachable moments.

    So it’s just us getting comfortable with a new way of helping them understand – helping a new generation understand – their bodies and their rights to their own bodies.

    Never punish or demean. It’s okay to be curious!

    Me: I caught my child watching porn at a young age and it was stressful. How do parents handle this situation?

    Melissa: The world places a lot of responsibility on us as parents, like, don’t raise a perpetrator, don’t raise a victim, all of these messages about how perfect we need to create our children’s lives. And there are going to be things that are going to happen that we may not be able to prevent – like our children finding easily-accessible porn on the internet.

    I avoid words, like ‘catch them’, because then that sends that message that like oh, I caught you doing something bad. So if we find out our young person has come across porn or has been shown porn, or has been actively searching, we need to recognize that our children are not bad, they’re not demons, they’re not scarred forever. This is really an opportunity, not a threat. We can get a better understanding of what happened in the situation, not from a well ‘Why were you looking at that?’ stance. It’s important that our reaction isn’t shame-based or accusatory or punishment oriented. It’s our job as a family to help keep all of us safer. We know porn is not for children or education. It’s made for adult entertainment. So we say to them ‘It’s okay to be curious. It’s okay to be curious about bodies. It’s okay to be curious about sex. When you have questions about these things. Here’s what you can do, instead of going to Google or looking at porn, we can talk about it. You can ask me any questions you want.’ And then that goes back to whether you are truly creating a space that feels safe for them to ask, because kids will go to Google or porn or friends if they’re curious when the home isn’t feeling safe from punishment or shame.

    If you simply say ‘Don’t watch porn’ it’s likely to just push them back towards it. We need to be more thoughtful and smarter about treating our young people like the whole humans that they are. Give them more credit than sometimes they’re given. They’re more likely to listen to what we have to say if they feel respected, and if they feel heard. And they know that we’re on their team, that we’re not just looking for an opportunity to punish them next. So you can say ‘ I want to make sure that you have reliable information about bodies and about sex because you deserve that. One day you’re going to make choices about sex. And I want you to feel ready when that time comes. Watching porn can send confusing, unsafe and mixed messages.. So what questions do you have about sex? How can I help you understand these things? It’s okay to be curious.’

    Understand that others might have different perspectives.

    Me: What do you do if your child’s other parent has a different attitude toward sex that is not as positive?

    Melissa: There is often the reality that there’s a whole other person we can’t control, someone who has whole separate values, triggers, traumas related to all this stuff. It’s healthy for our kids to see and know that there are different perspectives. What you can control is, when they are curious with you, how you show up for those curiosities. Never approach them with negativity or blame or shame. You can acknowledge it like ‘ you might hear some different things about a topic, so tell me what you’ve heard about that? That’s interesting. What do you think?’ Because sharing your perspective is helping them to shape their understanding of their perspective.

    Want to learn more (trust me, we barely scratched the surface) about raising sex positive kids? Sex Positive Families’ interactive workshops are held virtually and open to tweens, teens, and their trusted adults. You can also order Melissa’s book, Sex Positive Talks to Have With Kids, a bestselling comprehensive guide that helps caregivers create the kind of bond that keeps kids safer, informed, and empowered in their sexual health.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    Sex after prostate cancer

    — Prostate cancer treatments can have side effects that may result in changes that affect intimacy, desire and function. While these symptoms are often temporary, they can be distressing and it’s important to talk to your physician about what to expect and the steps you can take to improve them.

    Why this happens

    As men become sexually aroused, the brain sends messages through the nervous system to the muscular walls of the blood vessels in the penis. The vessels enlarge, allowing more blood to flow into the penis. The incoming blood makes the penis bigger and harder, causing an erection.

    Even if your libido is normal, your hormones, nervous system, muscles and blood vessels need to work properly to get an erection. Cancer treatments may affect your hormones, which in turn can affect your libido as well as the nerves, muscles or blood vessels that play important roles in causing an erection.

    Prostate cancer treatment and erectile dysfunction

    Erectile dysfunction (ED) is one of the most common side effects of prostate cancer treatment. Nearly all men will have trouble getting an erection for a period of time after undergoing different types of treatment, such as:

    • Surgery. The nerves responsible for an erection (the cavernous nerves) travel very close to the prostate gland and may be injured during the removal of the prostate. Nearly all men who have their prostate removed will have trouble getting an erection for some time, even if they have a “nerve-sparing” operation. However, most men recover with time.
    • Radiation therapy. Damage to the delicate tissues involved in getting an erection, such as nerves, blood vessels or blood flow, can occur with radiation therapy. These side effects appear more slowly during the year after treatment. Men may have softer erections, lose their erection before climax (orgasm) or not be able to get an erection at all.
    • Chemotherapy. The drugs used in chemotherapy treatment of prostate cancer may affect your libido and erections if it affects testosterone production, but most men still have normal erections. Chemotherapy can also cause fatigue or distress, which can affect your sexual desire and ability to have an erection, but normal desire usually returns when treatment ends.
    • Hormone therapy. The prostate depends on androgens, such as testosterone, to do its work. Unfortunately, testosterone may help some prostate cancers to grow. The hormone treatment used in prostate cancer, called androgen deprivation therapy (ADT) blocks androgens to slow the growth of prostate cancer, but it can also decrease libido and sexual function. (ADT does not cure prostate cancer.)

    Recovery after prostate cancer treatment

    Time is the most important factor in recovery. The healing process for men who have had nerve-sparing radical prostatectomy (removal of the prostate) is often 18 to 24 months or more, because nerve tissue requires a longer time to heal. How much erectile function returns depends on several things:

    • The type of operation you had (one, both, or no nerves spared). Most men with intact nerves will see a substantial improvement within a year of treatment.
    • Your age: Men under 50 or 60 are more likely to recover their erections than older men.
    • Your erectile function before the operation. Men who had good erections before surgery are more likely to recover their ability to get an erection than those who had previous erection problems.

    It is also common to need medications to assist with erectile function, even if you did not need them before your operation.

    Rehabilitation and aids

    Studies suggest that starting a program to promote erections about six weeks after surgery can help some men recover sexual function. Different methods are available, depending on your case, your level of motivation and the judgment of your surgeon. These penile rehabilitation programs focus on increasing blood flow to the area to encourage healing and help men have regular erections that are hard enough for penetration. Having two to three erections a week, even if there is no sexual activity, helps keep the tissues in the penis healthy.

    Several options are available to treat ED, and they may or may not be part of a rehabilitation program:

    • Medication: sildenafil/Viagra®, tadalafil/Cialis® or vardenafil/Levitra MUSE™(a prostaglandin suppository that you insert into your urethra)
    • Vacuum erection devices
    • Penile implant
    • Penile self-injection with a prostaglandin: alprostadil/Caverjet™/Edex™

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    Deconstructing Stonewalling

    — This toxic approach to conflict is unintentional or intentional and verbal or nonverbal

    Shutting down. Clamming up. Walking out. Giving up.

    We all hope that we’ll rise to the occasion and communicate clearly in tough situations — that we’ll stand up for ourselves while being respectful of the needs and feelings of the people we care about.

    But sometimes, when the going gets tough, our emotional walls get higher. And with every delay, distraction and deflection — every slammed door, dismissive comment and dodged conversation — those walls become harder to scale.

    Psychologist Susan Albers, PsyD, breaks down the concept of stonewalling — what it is, why it happens, and what to do if the behavior is threatening your relationships.

    What is stonewalling?

    Stonewalling is way of intentionally or unintentionally, verbally or nonverbally withdrawing from a conflict. While some people stonewall on purpose to assert control or do harm, the behavior is often inadvertent. Dr. Albers likens it to turning off the light switch. “You’re having a conversation and all of a sudden, the other person shuts off. Not just verbally or physically — they emotionally disengage.”

    She explains that the way we talk about stonewalling in relationships is largely the result of psychologist John Gottman’s writing on the topic. His Cascade Model of Relationship Dissolution uses the imagery of “the four horsemen of the apocalypse” to describe the four ineffective communication styles that he believes can predict divorce. The four styles are:

    1. Criticism.
    2. Defensiveness.
    3. Contempt.
    4. Stonewalling.

    His work is influential enough that it’s probably one of the first sources that pops up when you research “stonewalling” online. But even though the most popular writing on the topic focuses on romantic relationships, Dr. Albers says any relationship can encounter stonewalling. Best friends, coworkers, family members … you name it. Politicians stonewall all the time, as do lawyers. Heck, we all do it sometimes!

    Stonewalling is a common tactic because (at least in the short term) it works. It’s a defense mechanism that stops the immediate conflict from progressing any further. And it gives the person doing the stonewalling a sense of safety and control over the situation.

    But in the long term, Dr. Albers cautions that disengaging from conflict — consciously or unconsciously — can damage or even destroy a relationship.

    Unintentional and intentional stonewalling

    Building a wall isn’t something you do by accident, but stonewalling might be.

    “Unintentional stonewalling is often a sign that someone is having difficulty coping with the conversation,” Dr. Albers explains. “They may be conflict avoidant. It might even be a fight-or-flight response: They need to escape.”

    And it’s often the case that people simply don’t have the skills or capacity they need to have the conversation in that moment. “It doesn’t come from a place of wanting to disconnect or distance,” she says. “It’s just not knowing how to have that conversation in a healthy and productive way.”

    She adds that stonewalling is a common tactic for people with depression or who have an anxious attachment style. Disengagement can also be a protective measure for a person who struggles with a high level of anxiety or has endured significant trauma. In that case, stonewalling may be a way to calm down and feel safe again. For people who grew up in dysfunctional households, it may be a learned behavior.

    In still other cases, stonewalling is a deliberate and emotionally abusive act. A person who stonewalls on purpose is exerting control over (and often demeaning) another person by acting as if their attention and interest are a reward to be “earned.” People with narcissistic personality disorder may be especially inclined toward this behavior.

    Verbal and nonverbal stonewalling

    Shutting down communication will look different from person to person and situation to situation. According to Dr. Albers, stonewalling can be verbal or nonverbal.

    Verbal stonewalling can take the form of “the silent treatment,” but it can be subtler than that, too. Changing the topic, only offering clipped, one- to two-word responses and refusing to answer questions can have the same effect. In some cases, there actually is a conversation happening, but one person is filibustering, or being dismissive, accusatory or aggressive in a way that’s designed to end the discussion.

    Nonverbal stonewalling can be as straightforward as avoiding contact or getting up and walking away. Sometimes, it’s a question of body language — rolling one’s eyes, adopting a closed-off posture or refusing to make eye contact. Physical stonewalling can also involve shifting focus. “The biggest one I see is people taking out their phone,” Dr. Albers states. “That stops the conversation immediately.”

    The best indicator that somebody’s stonewalling you is how it makes you feel. You may feel frustrated, helpless, confused, disrespected or angry.

    How stonewalling can hurt a relationship

    Truth be told, everybody stonewalls occasionally. We all experience moments when we just can’t, and that’s OK. It only becomes a problem for a relationship when it goes unaddressed. And if stonewalling becomes an engrained pattern — an established communication style between two people — it can be devastating.

    “Stonewalling leaves conflict unresolved, and it can make the other person feel disrespected, or that their perspective isn’t important or valued.” Dr. Albers says. “Sometimes, people just give up, which creates an emotional distance that can be difficult to repair.”

    How to stop stonewalling

    The apocalypse metaphor Gottman uses to talk about stonewalling in relationships might make your situation feel hopeless. And sure, unlearning a behavior like stonewalling is difficult. But Dr. Albers encourages you to look on the bright side.

    “The good news is stonewalling is a pattern that can be addressed,” she reassures. “Once you recognize that you’re doing it, it’s something that can be changed, and that change can do wonders for your relationship.”

    So, how do you go about breaking down a wall?

    Name the behavior and take a ‘time out’

    Dr. Albers shares that the first thing you need to do to stop stonewalling is recognize the behavior in the moment. Particularly if you’re the one doing the stonewalling.

    Labeling or naming a behavior can make a big difference because you’re offering the person you’re talking to insight into what’s happening in your head, and why.

    “Tell the person you’re talking to that, ‘I’m shutting down right now.’” Dr. Albers advises. “Emphasize that what the person has to say is important, but that you need to calm down before re-engaging in the conversation.” Then, set up a time — minutes, hours or days later — to return to the discussion.

    “Don’t just leave it hanging,” she urges.

    Here are a few other tips for breaking through a wall — yours, or somebody else’s:

    Empathize

    If you’re the one doing the stonewalling, acknowledge that your need to step away from a conflict is likely impacting the other person’s feelings — that they may be frustrated, hurt or angry.

    If you’re the one being stonewalled, tell the other person that you recognize how difficult it must be for them to have the conversation.

    Be mindful of your body language

    Are you sitting with your arms and legs crossed? Are you looking at the floor instead of the person you’re talking to? Are you clenching your jaw? Is your body rigid, your posture frozen? “Sometimes, we’re not aware that we’re giving signals that we don’t want to talk,” Dr. Albers points out.

    Vocalize your needs

    Change doesn’t happen overnight — especially when the thing you’re trying to change is a communication style. And conflict isn’t one-sided. That means there needs to be give and take on both sides.

    At some time when you aren’t actively in conflict, have a conversation about what you each need to get through difficult conversations. If you struggle to articulate your thoughts and feelings when you’re upset, you might need time to write things out before having a tough conversation. Or maybe the other person isn’t at a place where they can maintain eye contact during a conflict, so they need to be allowed to demonstrate engagement in another way.

    Accommodating each other’s needs — even in difficult moments — is a sign of respect and good faith.

    Stay emotionally engaged

    It’s happening. You’re shutting down, freezing up, disconnecting. You’re not able to have this conversation right now.

    That’s OK. Talking isn’t everything.

    “You can still engage with someone emotionally without having a conversation,” Dr. Albers offers. “Maybe you don’t leave the room. You sit next to them. You hold their hand. Even if you’re not going to be able to have that conversation, you can still be emotionally engaged.”

    Respond calmly

    It’s always important to be respectful in your conversations, but it’s extra important if you know that the person you’re trying to communicate with is conflict averse, anxious or has a history of trauma. Raising your voice, interrupting or adopting an aggressive posture will push a stonewaller away. Active listening skills can go a long way in a situation like this.

    “Even if you don’t like what the other person is saying, respond calmly,” Dr. Albers stresses. “It’s more likely to encourage them to keep going versus shutting them down.”

    See a therapist

    If stonewalling has become your go-to technique for dealing with difficult situations, it could be a good idea to unpack the reasons why with a counselor. Not only can they help you sort through any underlying issues that are impacting your behavior, but they can also help you learn and practice healthier communication styles.

    If there’s a specific relationship where the behavior needs to be addressed, couples, marriage or family counseling could be especially useful.

    Tearing down walls and building bridges

    When we stonewall, we’re emotionally disengaging from a conflict. Sometimes, we do it on purpose, and sometimes, we do it without realizing it. Stonewalling can take many forms. Sometimes it’s physical, like walking away or avoiding somebody. Sometimes, it’s giving somebody “the silent treatment.” And sometimes, we stonewall with words, by changing the subject or minimizing the situation.

    Although some individuals stonewall on purpose to assert control or do harm, the behavior is often unintentional. That’s because it’s a natural response to a situation where an individual lacks the capacity to handle their feelings or communicate effectively. Stonewalling is a particularly common coping mechanism for people with anxiety, depression a history of trauma or a conflict-avoidant personality.

    While it’s an understandable defense mechanism that we all employ from time to time, habitual stonewalling is toxic to relationships — be they romantic, familial, friendly or professional. It can be a tough habit to break, but it’s worth the effort. Once you recognize it’s happening — and learn to respond in a different way — your relationships with other people will be easier to navigate and (we couldn’t resist) a lot less rocky.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    How Learning Your Desire Style Could Help Spice Up Your Sex Life

    By Shaeden Berry

    When you hear the word “desire” do you think of burning hot passions?

    A low urgent feeling in your belly?

    Do you think of Hollywood movies and two lovers tearing each other’s clothes off, tucked behind the locked bathroom door of a party, because they couldn’t keep their hands off one another any longer?

    And then, do you think, “can’t relate”? Not because you aren’t attracted to your partner, but because that urgent, spontaneous desire very rarely grips you. For some, that thought process can lead to feelings of shame or beginning to question whether there’s something wrong with them.

    At the end of the day, no two people are the same, but it is easy to get bogged down in what you feel like you should want or should feel, rather than tapping into what you actually do crave in the bedroom. Learning whether you have a spontaneous or responsive desire style, or where you sit along the spectrum of desire may help you to understand how you approach our bedroom activities and ensure you’re getting what you really want from your sex life.

    What Are Spontaneous & Responsive Desire?

    We all exist on a desire spectrum, according to Georgia Grace, sexologist and co-founder of NORMAL, a queer- and women-owner wellness brand. She explains that it’s doubtful any of us will be wholly and entirely spontaneous or responsive, adding that it’s important to know these terms so we can understand there’s no one way of experiencing desire.

    “Within spontaneous desire, the desire comes out of nowhere,” she tells Refinery29 Australia. “Like how it might be in the early stages of a relationship,” people who tend to experience spontaneous desire often don’t need an external influence to get them in the mood.

    With responsive desire, things are different. “Your body needs a stimulus to bring sex to the front of the mind — whether it be porn, your partner kissing your neck, or even beginning the act of sex itself,” says Grace.

    She explains that responsive desire is actually the most common way for people to experience desire, but between bodice-ripping romance novels and the way sex is often spoken about in popular culture, it “doesn’t get the airtime it deserves”.

    If you exist on the Internet, you’re probably being fed a lot of content that references spontaneous jumping of bones, and not a lot of slow-building desire, foreplay or being introduced to the idea that many people need extra help or motivation to get in the mood for sex.

    In fact, the stereotype that often plays out across our screens is a scenario featuring a long-term relationship, where amorous advances are being knocked back by one partner who’s “not in the mood”. When this is so often displayed as the tell-tale sign of a relationship being dead in the water, it’s unsurprising that many of us might feel the pressure to be spontaneously crackling with desire at all times and find ourselves wondering why we can’t just flick a switch and be instantly in the mood.

    It’s also worth considering how these different desire styles are often presented as gendered. Whilst there’s not yet a scientific measurement for desire, Emily Nagoski, author of Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, cites research that indicates responsive desire is the primary desire style for about 30% of women. In an article about the concepts of desire, Nagoski also highlights how spontaneous desire is so actively pushed as the “norm” in society, when, in reality, many people will only feel desire after first experiencing pleasure (i.e. responsive desire). That means, you are not broken or wrong for not experiencing spontaneous desire, and your level of desire is not an indication of sexual wellbeing.

    How Can You Navigate Differing Desire Styles In A Relationship?

    Let’s return to the Hollywood movie scene we mentioned above. What if, after one party says they’re not in the mood, there was an open conversation between both parties about what could be done to help them get into the mood — perhaps not in that moment, but moving forward? What if not being in the mood wasn’t treated as an issue, but rather, something that’s actually extremely normal?

    Having “desire discrepancies”, as Grace puts it, is not an uncommon phenomenon within a relationship. Grace often sees couples in sessions who have differing desire styles, i.e. where one person leans more towards spontaneous desire and the other is more responsive.

    If this is something you might be experiencing, Grace suggests that rather than framing it as one person having a higher or lower libido than their partner or partners, she works to help them understand that they are just experiencing desire differently.

    Perhaps the responsive partner isn’t getting enough stimulus to become aroused enough for sex, and in these cases, Grace works with them to examine what she refers to as their “brakes” and “accelerators”.

    Some people can be extremely sensitive to “brakes”, which are those triggers that make us feel as if sex isn’t a good idea right now and have us finding reasons to not be aroused. They can be anything from feeling touch-fatigued, stressed, worried or even wider issues of social and cultural stresses and anxieties. Meanwhile, “accelerators” are the triggers that turn you on and can be a specific scent, setting, or a sexual act.

    Grace says the key is working on becoming more aware of your brakes and accelerators and managing them, trying as best you can to remove brakes and amplify accelerators.

    But the important thing is recognising that there is no right or wrong way to feel desire. We don’t need to be always raring to go. But if we are always in the mood? That’s fine too.&

    The first step is figuring out how you personally experience desire, and then doing what works for you and your relationship.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!