It’s a common reason to give if you’re just not in the mood for between-the-sheets action. “Not tonight. I have a headache,” is a pretty effective mood-killer. But what if it’s not an excuse, but a serious health issue?
For one in 100 people, coital cephalalgia — also known as primary sex headache or headache associated with sexual activity — makes sex painful. According to Patient, there are two types of primary sexual headache: early coital cephalalgia and orgasmic coital cephalalgia.
Early coital cephalalgia is typically a dull, cramping pain occurring before orgasm and intensifying as sexual arousal increases. it is believed to relate to an excessive contraction in the head and neck muscles prior to orgasm. Orgasmic coital cephalalgia is more common and more severe, although it doesn’t last as long (around 15 minutes on average). It occurs during orgasm and presents itself as a sudden, extreme throbbing headache.
Additionally, a secondary sex headache known as late coital cephalalgia may occur after sex, causing extreme discomfort when standing, and can only be lessened when the sufferer lies back down. This type of headache associated with sexual activity can last for several hours or even days in extreme cases.
Anyone can experience headache associated with sexual activity, but being prone to migraines increases your risk of getting one, and men are three to four times more likely to suffer than women, possibly because men may exert themselves more during sex.
The last thing we want from sex is a headache, right? So what causes coital cephalalgia, and just how serious is it? Step forward neuroscientist in sexuality, Nicole Prause (who also used to work in a specialty headache clinic, so we can’t think of anyone better qualified to advise on this particular issue.)
“Headache after intercourse, masturbation or orgasm is very rare and tends to be rapid-onset and short-duration, making efforts to pinpoint a single cause very difficult,” Prause told SheKnows. “It is most likely related to simple exertion, just like from exercise, in most cases. So far as we know, there is nothing special about sex that promotes headache.”
While any rapid-onset head pain could signify a more serious condition, such as a hemorrhage, if a headache is experienced regularly during sex, it’s unlikely to be life-threatening. That doesn’t mean it’s not a threat to your sex life, but there are ways to relieve head pain following sex, masturbation or orgasm.
“You can treat prophylactically [take pain medications prior to starting sexual activity], but if the headaches are infrequent and not too severe, waiting to medicate until first pain is a likely a better strategy to avoid rebound headaches in the future,” advised Prause. “Also, consider the positions during intercourse. Posture can most certainly contribute to headaches. For a female-with-male partner, try straddling him over an armless chair to avoid shifting from laying to sitting positions rapidly.”
The good news is that experimenting with different sex positions and habits could be the key to figuring out how to stop primary sex headache.
“It may be that being sexual at a different time of day, using different positions or testing your headache propensity with exercise at a similar time of day to when you are having sex can identify what aspect triggers your headaches,” said Prause. “This could allow you to modify sex to reduce the chances you will end up with a headache, such as by having sex before dinner rather than after!”
As with all health issues, make an appointment with your doctor if you have concerns about primary sex headache.
While sex toys used to be seen as gratuitous and only for the sexually “adventurous,” they’re now commonplace—especially at a time when city governments are advising that “you are your safest sex partner” amid COVID-19. The “sex tech” industry is booming—and experts are linking their overall use to increased rates of orgasms, especially for women. Despite the taboos that surround sex toys, and for that matter, female sexuality and desire, research tells us that the use of sex toys increases the frequency of orgasms. Not only that, but sex toys have also been linked to fascilitating orgasms for perimenopausal, menopausal, and post-menopausal women with orgasmic disorder.
“Only four percent of people with vaginas orgasm most reliably from penetration alone,” says Dr. Laurie Mintz, a professor at the University of Florida and licensed psychologist. “The rest need clitoral stimulation, either alone or coupled with penetration.” The author of “A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex” and “Becoming Cliterate,” and ‘sexpert’ for sex toy company LELO, Mintz is an expert on the art—and science—of the orgasm. Naturally, the topic of sex toys comes up regularly. Plain and simple, she explains, “people with vaginas who use vibrators have easier and more frequent orgasms.”
Below, Dr. Mintz answers your top questions about using sex toys—submitted via the @VogueWeddings Instagram—including how to get started, which ones work best with a partner, and whether or not it’s possible to use them too much.
What is a good vibrator to start with?
If you’re a first-time vibrator user, check out the sex toys at LELO. Additionally, both the stores Babeland and Good Vibrations have sections for first-time vibrator users.
I’ve never owned one, what sex toy should I get first?
I suggest a clitoral vibrator that has different speeds that you can experiment with. The overwhelming majority of people with vaginas need clitoral stimulation to orgasm and this is why I recommend starting with a clitoral vibrator. Additionally, the intensity of the vibrations enjoyed will vary among people with vaginas and this is why I recommend variable speeds/intensities.
How do I let my partner know that I only orgasm with sex toys?
You can’t overdo your vibrator use. So if you always need a vibrator to orgasm, let them know this and, more importantly, always use a vibrator! It’s that simple.
How can I introduce sex toys into my relationship?
Imagine yourself swimming in a pool with your partner. You’re having a great day swimming, and there happens to be a raft there, and you jump on and off the raft. At the end of the day you don’t call your friend and say, ‘my raft and I had so much fun, and oh my partner was there too.’ The same is true for using sex toys. Make sure you and your partner both understand that sex toys are not a substitute for a partner, but rather tools that provide additional stimulation—and then the fun part: go shopping!
Is it possible to use a vibrator too much? Will it cause damage?
Sex toys cannot make your clitoris loose feeling or damage it permamently. If you use it for a while and start to go numb, just take a break—just like if your butt goes numb from riding a bike.
I’m thinking about gifting my partner a sex toy; is that weird or offensive?
Giving your partner the gift of a sex toy is not weird at all. In fact that message it gives is beautiful, it says you care about their pleasure.
What toys do you recommend for both partners to enjoy?
For two people with vaginas having sex, bring whatever toy you use on yourself and teach your partner how to use it on you if they don’t know; you can even use it alone while your partner kisses or caresses you in other areas. If one person has a penis and the other has a vagina, you can also bring whatever you normally use and instruct your partner on how to use it on you; you can also try a cock ring with an attached clitoral vibrator—the person with the penis can wear it during intercourse, stimulating their partner.
What is the proper way to sanitize and clean your sex toys?
Most sex toys can be cleaned with mild antibacterial soap and warm water. Wash them for at least 20 seconds and dry them with a clean towel. Additionally, you can purchase sex toy cleaner. I personally use LELO’s cleaner which you simply spray on, wait five seconds, and rinse off.
A new study found that 10 types of bacteria found on men’s penises were predictors in whether their female partners developed bacterial vaginosis.
Bacterial vaginosis is a vaginal infection that affects 1 in 3 women. Experts are unsure what exactly causes bacterial vaginosis.
The researchers said that their study suggests men’s sexual health and women’s are inextricably linked, and that heterosexual couples should work together to promote each other’s sexual wellbeing.
Women may have a higher risk of vaginal bacterial infection after penetrative sex with men, depending on the type of microbiota on their partner’s penis, a study has found.
None of the women had bacterial vaginosis at the start of the study. The researchers found that 31% of the women in the study developed bacterial vaginosis during the year-long trial.
In addition to testing the bacteria in the women’s vaginas, they also examined each man’s penile microbiota during the initial screening and three follow-up appointments.
The researchers concluded that the men were a defining factor in the women’s risk of infection. They identified 10 species of penile bacteria that appeared to increase a woman’s risk of BV. The men who carried on their penis one or more of the 10 species, his female partner was more likely to develop bacterial vaginosis.
Men should be involved in women’s reproductive health
The study’s findings don’t mean a man’s penis causes bacterial vaginosis in women, according to Dr. Supriya Mehta, lead study author and an epidemiologist at University of Illinois at Chicago.
But his team’s findings suggest male and female sexual health are inextricably linked, especially for heterosexual couples.
“I would like for clinicians, researchers, and the public to be inclusive of male sex partners in their efforts to improve women’s reproductive health,” Mehta said in a statement. “Not to place directionality or blame on one partner or another, but to increase the options and opportunity for improved reproductive health, and hopefully reduce stigma from BV.”
There were caveats to this study. Only 46% of the 168 couples attended all four doctor’s office visits during the year-long trial, so the researchers have incomplete data for some couples, which could cause skewed results. Additionally, the researchers looked at a small sample of only Kenyan couples who were heterosexual, so the results may not be applicable on a universal scale, across countries, cultures, and sexualities.
Mehta said more research should be done to determine how men can look after their own genital health to protect the genital health of women with whom they’re sexually active.
Like many other aspects of our society, sexuality education in the United States often reflects majority populations—i.e., white experiences.
While there’s been some research dedicated to understanding the sexual lives of Black women, much of it focuses on identifying what types of sexual behaviors they’re engaging in, messages of risk and prevention, and health disparities between Black women and white women. This approach to understanding Black women’s sex lives can have negative consequences such as stereotypes, stigma, and bias from doctors. Not to mention, this approach leaves out all of the aspects of their sexual lives that are exciting, fun, and pleasurable.
According to my professional work as a sexual health researcher and my personal experiences as a Black woman myself, here are five things that get in the way of Black women’s sex lives being authentic, shame-free, and enjoyable—and how Black women can overcome them:
1. Stereotypes and myths about Black sexuality.
The sexual lives of Black women have historically been misrepresented by stereotypes and myths. A few historical images that Black women have been labeled as include the mammy, jezebel, welfare mother, and angry Black woman. In general, Black women have also often been portrayed as being sexually experienced and/or engaging in sexual risk-taking behaviors rather than as being sexually responsible and having sexual autonomy. Many of these stereotypes and myths persist in mainstream media, affecting how people view Black women and their sex lives.
Stereotypes and myths are harmful to Black women because they affect how they view themselves and how they believe they are viewed by others. Stereotypes and myths might also play a role in dating, relationships, and sexual behaviors. For example, the idea or belief that Black women are “promiscuous” may cause a woman to feel ashamed of her true sexual identity and behaviors. A woman may feel embarrassed to have sexual conversations for fear of being judged. She may even feel obligated to have a certain kind of sexual life (perhaps due to respectability politics—messages received about how Black women are to act, speak, dress, etc.).
2. Health disparities in sexual health care.
Education, income level, and insurance status can all affect a person’s access to health care and its quality, and these same factors also affect racial differences seen in sexual health care. Black women can often feel that they are not listened to or treated fairly by doctors or the health care system, or they’ve had negative experiences receiving sexual health care specifically.
As the fight for social justice has gained more attention due to the many Black lives that have been subjected to police brutality, it is important that the fight for sexual and reproductive justice remains a part of the conversation to end racism, discrimination, and stigma in health care settings. Health equity is a social justice issue, and until the distribution of wealth, education, housing, and various other privileges are addressed, Black women will continue to bear a higher burden of disease, illness, and even death.
3. A lack of culturally sensitive sex education.
America lacks comprehensive sexuality education in general, but this is especially true when it comes to culturally sensitive sex education. Information that includes the historical and present-day views of Black sexuality is important for youth and young adults to understand the context behind the images they see in the media. Sexuality education should promote exploration and knowledge related to sexuality rather than reinforce or support stereotypical messages about minority groups.
In addition, there is a shortage of trained sexuality educators in cultural sensitivity and, therefore, many missed opportunities for Black girls to receive sexuality education that is unbiased. Black women need sexuality educators who are able to understand the social and cultural factors that affect Black women’s sexual lives and even have experiences similar to Black women. Diversity in sex education matters.
4. A focus on prevention instead of pleasure.
Sexuality research and sex education materials reflecting Black women tend to highlight adverse sexual and reproductive outcomes, such as the rates of unintended pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Meanwhile, the average sex ed class for Black teens seldom mentions more positive research such as data from the 2018 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, a huge survey that revealed tons of really hopeful insights about Black women’s sex lives. The survey revealed that Black women engage in a variety of sexual behaviors, most find their recent experiences to be pleasurable, and most experienced an orgasm.
The fact that most mainstream conversations about Black sexuality have to do with talking about risks and negative sexual outcomes means we are lacking conversations about Black pleasure. Without open conversations about pleasure, women learn to feel ashamed or embarrassed to discuss their sexual desires with their partners. But sexual communication is important for sexual development and self-esteem. In fact, the ability to communicate about sex and pleasure can strengthen sexual relationships and improve sexual satisfaction overall.
5. Mistrust of medical providers.
Sexual communication is not only vital to sexual relationships; it is essential for doctor-patient relationships. Meeting with health care professionals for preventive care and to discuss sexual health concerns leads to a better sex life. Unfortunately, much of Black history in America stems from elements of slavery that has affected several generations. Medical experimentation on Black bodies is not just a thing of the past, and that history comes with understandable mistrust of information and treatment from medical providers. Throughout history, Black women have endured medical mistreatment and tend to feel as if they are unseen and unheard.
More than ever, Black women need access to quality sexual health care and, more importantly, a trusted medical provider. They deserve to feel like their sexual health care experiences are provided in a confidential, respectful, and nonjudgmental manner.
How Black women can take control of their sexual lives.
For many Black women, this is not new information. These issues and challenges have been persistent for quite some time. But what can you do about them?
First, become your own advocate. This means learning what resources are available in your area, finding out what preventive screenings and services are recommended before your appointments, and being prepared to ask questions when interacting with medical providers.
Second, find the things that work for you. This can include finding a doctor that understands your experiences as a Black woman (yes, it is OK to shop around for a doctor), finding Black sexuality educators to learn from online, and working to unlearn messages that have been harmful to your sexual development.
Lastly, work toward sexual agency. This means you have the ability to produce the results you want for your sexual life. The key to having a healthy and positive view of your sexual life starts with you.
If you stumbled on a magic relationship lantern and a sex genie popped out and said, “I will grant you one wish,” what would you ask for? There’s a good chance many of us would wish for reliably hot sex.
Sex, when it’s good, can be powerfully satisfying. It’s a joyful, life-affirming experience that touches all aspects of our humanity: physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental. Unfortunately, for many of us, it doesn’t happen as much as we’d like it to. Or else it’s Groundhog Day in the sheets: It happens way too often, way too predictably.
What’s missing from most people’s sex lives.
Part of what makes sex challenging is that we’ve been discouraged from investigating or understanding it since early childhood. Rare is the child encouraged at the dinner table to discuss positive and negative messages they received about their body in gym class or asked open-ended questions by a loving parent, like: “And how did you feel when that nurse got mad at you for calling your vulva (or penis) by its proper name?”
By the time we’re adults, any positive sexual experiences or sensations we have can seem like “magic” because our minds have been conditioned to short-circuit, go blank, default to predictable judgments about sex and bodies, or react to the topic of sexual feelings, erotic sensations, pleasure, and our “private parts” with confusion. Often, we don’t understand the factors that go into our positive (or negative) sexual experiences because we haven’t felt fully free to spend time exploring and understanding these factors, or getting the support we need to work through our mental and emotional blocks to doing this.
And if we don’t know what makes sex good (or not so good) for us, how can we foster and nurture the external and internal circumstances we personally require to support the sex lives we want?
The power of sexual context.
There’s a shorthand for all the complex, interlocking factors that contribute to our experience of sex at any given moment: “sexual context.”
Our sexual context encompasses all of the elements—internal and external—that influence our sexuality at any given moment. On a macro level, it encompasses our ever-shifting environment, the sensory stimuli that surround us, and our conscious and unconscious internal world. On a micro level, it’s our immediate surroundings and state of mind: beeping sounds in the street that distract us from our lover’s kiss; the stress and tension that makes it hard to relax and savor touch; or the music, candlelight, and prolonged eye contact with our spouse that allow us to exhale and let go.
Context encompasses where we are and how we feel about it as well as who we are and how we experience ourselves. It affects our perception of sexual cues, our sensations, our arousability, and much more.
To begin exploring what contributes to your ideal sexual context, try this:
Bring to mind your last pleasurable sexual experience, partnered or alone.
Consider whether there was an event prior to this experience that may have “set you up” to enjoy it, e.g., “I just finished taking a long, relaxing bath,” “I was exhilarated from a workout,” “I watched a romantic movie,” or “My partner was away all week and I missed him.”
Make two columns on a piece of paper: internal and external.
In the “internal” column, jot down adjectives that best describe your state of mind, your emotional state, and how you felt physically at the time of this experience.
In the “external” column, jot down adjectives that best describe your physical environment: sounds, sensations, smells, visual elements.
Consider how these internal and external factors contributed to your receptivity to pleasure and sensual/sexual enjoyment.
Repeat items 1 through 6 on this list with a couple of other positive sexual experiences, and look for patterns in the factors that contributed to your pleasure.
Write down several concrete ways you might consciously create new variations of the factors that came up most often on your lists in your daily life, e.g., “I will make a practice of initiating a full-body hug with my partner three times daily,” “I will get out of my humdrum work routine by asking for a slow dance after dinner,” “I will go for a run before work to energize myself,” or “I will read erotic poetry on a park bench.”
Since most of us won’t stumble on a magic relationship lantern or sex genie in this lifetime, consciously understanding the different contextual factors—internal and external—that support and contribute to our personal experience of enjoyable sex is one of the most accessible and realistic paths to sexually empowering ourselves.
As global leaders begin to recognize the inequalities that are being exposed as a result of COVID-19, it is important to consider who is included and who is excluded when we talk about gender. An analysis of the global conversation thus far reveals that the gender dimensions of COVID-19 and the push for gender equality during the recovery phase have largely only focused on how the pandemic has and will continue to disproportionately impact women and girls.
However, gender and sexual minorities are rarely included in discussions about vulnerable populations, and global responses have largely failed to consider the unique needs and challenges that LGBTQI+ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersex) populations face. This disappearance of sexual and gender minorities from international discourse is significant because research has shown that LGBTQI+ people are particularly vulnerable to crises like a pandemic.
While publications by international organizations and NGOs advocate for a better understanding of the effects of COVID-19 on gender equality, the sidelining of LGBTQI+ concerns makes it more difficult for organizations to advocate for enhanced protections during the pandemic.
In order to understand the gendered-impacts of COVID-19 beyond women, we draw on findings from a case study of Venezuelan LGBTQI+ asylum seekers in Brazil, an epicentre of the pandemic. As of July 23, 2020, there have been at least 2,227,514 cases of COVID-19 in Brazil and 82,771 deaths. Our analysis of 23 interviews with Venezuelan LGBTQI+ asylum-seekers, politicians and workers in non-governmental organizations and UN staff, shows that asylum seekers are experiencing increasing violence, transphobia and xenophobia in Brazil during the pandemic.
Venezuelan LGBQTI+ asylum seekers in Brazil
Since 2015, more than 5 million people have fled violence, persecution and economic ruin in Venezuela and 264,000 people have applied for asylum in Brazil. Among them, LGBTQI+ asylum seekers are commonly directed to the only LGBTQI refugee centre in Brazil, Casa Miga. Run by volunteers and supported by a national LGBTQI+ charity, Casa Miga was already under-resourced and over-stretched prior to the pandemic. But with COVID-19, myriad inequities that disproportionately affect the physical, mental and financial well-being of LGBTQI+ people have overwhelmed the centre’s capacity and increased the risk of gender-based violence and abuse against its resident asylum seekers.
With limited local, national or international focus on the challenges faced by LGBTQI+ people as well as refugee populations, the shelter’s staff and its residents feel hopeless, ignored and disempowered in their fight against the COVID-19.
Asylum seekers at Casa Miga experienced homophobic, transphobic and xenophobic violence in Brazil prior to the onset of the pandemic. Many asylum seekers referenced experiences of discrimination while at work or while searching for employment, in public or in interactions with the police.
Asylum seekers recounted experiences of having homophobic slurs hurled at them, being assaulted by locals and being both physically harmed and dismissed by the police. One asylum seeker had a near-death experience after he was left alone in the Amazonian rainforest following a mugging by a group of men. In the most egregious example, one of the asylum seekers had his jaw broken by two police officers in Manaus. The violence faced by trans-asylum seekers is further notable. A trans asylum seeker shared that she was assaulted while working as a sex worker, and that when she reported her attack to the police, she thought the officers did not care to investigate because she was both trans and Venezuelan. Beyond this one incident, all asylum seekers interviewed claimed to have faced LGBTQI+ based violence and xenophobia while living in Brazil.
COVID-19 acted as a threat multiplier
The threat and danger of contracting COVID-19 is very real for the asylum seekers. A resident of Casa Miga was infected with the virus in May 2020. In addition, the refugee shelter is located in Manaus, the city with the highest mortality rate of any Brazilian capital city. With over 100 people dying daily in April and being buried in mass graves in Manaus, the city’s mayor, Arthur Virgílio who recently contracted COVID-19, pleaded for urgent international help. As one asylum seeker shared: “It has impacted me gravely. I am in a constant state of fear. I don’t know when this is going to end. I know people who have become sick and who have died from this. Manaus is very badly hit by the pandemic. I will continue taking the precautions and keeping my distance from people, but despite these actions, the fear continues.”
The asylum seekers face both the fear of contracting COVID-19 and false narratives propagated by fake news stories on social media claiming they are spreading the virus. These allegations caused the asylum seekers to be even more worried about their safety and less likely to leave the shelter.
The economic stability and mental health of the asylum seekers also suffered as a result of the pandemic. Those asylum seekers who had been able to find informal work such as sex work and selling crafts, were left financially destitute when their work was banned. When the pandemic began, many asylum seekers were cut off from their monthly allowances from the government. It took over a month from the time of the cut off for Brazil to institute their Auxilio Emergencial (emergency fund) but many asylum seekers were unable to benefit from it due to the documentation and resources required (such as a cell phone) for access. As one asylum seeker shared: “It is impossible to sustain a job now and I can afford nothing for myself.”
Meanwhile, the settlement process has been temporarily halted, spurred on by the closure of the main refugee determination centre in Manaus. All of these factors compound the stress around asylum seekers’ tenuous positions in Brazil. These interruptions, lack of resources and access to services such as health care, have left asylum seekers feeling desperate and in limbo.
When governments fumble, vulnerable people suffer
Despite success in handling previous public health crises, the Brazilian government was completely underprepared for COVID-19. The administration has so far failed to provide any leadership on how to tackle this pandemic, choosing to focus on the supposed economic health of the country over the well-being of its own citizens. With the administration turning a blind eye to its own citizens, asylum seekers and the centres that care for them were largely left abandoned to manage on their own.
All the politicians interviewed stated that the government does not recognize distinct vulnerable groups within the larger refugee population in their policies, or when formulating Brazil’s strategy to respond to refugee flows and COVID-19. Without financial resources from the government, international organizations, or NGOs, Casa Miga is barely operational, relying on volunteers and local, haphazard and unpredictable donations.
When international actors blend LGBTQI+ considerations into other gender-based discussions, the ability of LGBTQI+ people and organizations to appeal for support during the pandemic is greatly limited. Facing increased violence and challenges during COVID-19, LGBTQI+ asylum seekers need more protection but are often unable to advocate for themselves.
Ultimately, when asylum seekers face increased violence based on their gender identity and sexuality, the reporting and response by the international humanitarian community, including Canada’s, must include their voices and considerations.
Determining safe words with your partner can create a healthy, loving space.
By By Ashley Oken
There are sexual experiences that can strip you of believing you have bodily autonomy, feeling safe in your own body, especially during sexual encounters. These leave you feeling powerless over your own sexuality.
It could be through sexual violence, such as rape and molestation, aggressive sexual coercion from a partner and unwanted touching, workplace harassment, or anything in between or beyond.
Individuals who survive these singular or multiple experiences can carry trauma that follows them through their sexual life.
As someone who has survived multiple years of sexual abuse and multiple experiences with rape, I found myself grappling with how to get past the mental scars and trauma. I tried many things, including meditation, and music, but they failed to work for me.
The first time I used a safe word with a partner that wasn’t “stop,” which can be triggering, it was liberating, freeing, and I was eager to do so again.
Here’s how safe words — a designated word you say when sexual play with a partner becomes too intense, painful, or creeps past your boundaries — helped me and can help you, too.
1. Safe words empower you to communicate directly without going into detail.
Like many survivors, I struggled to assert myself and my needs.
However, using words such as “red,” “yellow,” and “green” to indicate my comfort level was positive. I could communicate without over-explaining, which can be a barrier to speaking up.
Other words that aren’t related to the traffic light analogy such as, “grandma,” “lettuce,” fire,” and “T-Rex” can be used, too.
2. Once you use the safe word, all sex has to stop. It can’t resume until both partners discuss why one party used the word.
The most important component when using safe words is having a supportive partner who listens to you. They must understand that anything can have the potential to push you out of your comfort zone.
Checking in with one another throughout sex is key to ensuring that everything is consensual. It also helps to make sure that everyone is on the same page and truly comfortable.
With safe words, a survivor is able to control their sexual interactions, and having a supportive partner can be restorative.
3. Using the safe word without judgement helps a survivor see that their trauma isn’t a weakness.
The minute you feel anxious, triggered, or uncomfortable with an act or a position, you should use whatever safe word you both agreed upon. Do not worry about what your partner will be thinking.
Moreover, know that it is more than okay to assert your boundaries. The use of the word can give you time to reflect on exactly what you want them to do or not do. Then, you can discuss your boundaries more thoroughly.
Your trauma isn’t a weakness. Instead, it’s something that can open the door to much more exploration that keeps consent and triggers in mind.
4. Safe words can give survivors a sense of control back to them, a key component for healing.
When I was raped by an ex-boyfriend, saying “stop,” “get off of me,” and “you’re hurting me” didn’t stop him from inflicting violence on me. Instead, he continued to get more aggressive, and, ultimately, took away my feeling of control within sexual encounters.
Although the experience took my faith in the word “stop” away from me, I learned how to regain control by using other safe words such as, “pumpernickel.” For the first time, I felt in control over every part of an encounter.
5. Safe words remind you that your body is yours.
During the years of molestation I went through during childhood, my body never felt as if it belonged to me, but to my abuser. It also felt as if the things that were happening to me were happening outside of me, almost like they were happening to someone else.
Afterward, I struggled to feel as though my body was actually mine and not working against me somehow. Safe word usage helped me see that I can indeed have a say over what happens to me and that someone listens to me in full.
Survivors’ bodies are always theirs, and they are allowed to assert that at any point and for any reason.
Safe words have helped me come a long way since I began this journey to reclaim my sexuality after trauma.
Like with so many survivors, my road to healing is ongoing and I’m still learning about how to set boundaries with partners properly. But safe words have shown me that healing is possible and that sexuality doesn’t have to be lost.
You can have power over your body and you are not broken, but strong.
Let’s get this straight: during the COVID-19 pandemic, there is no “safe way” to have sex with someone you don’t live with.
But humans are humans, and we know some folks will still make the choice to get physically intimate with other people, despite the presence of a highly contagious disease in our midst. So we asked for your anonymous questions, and created this guide to sex and dating during the coronavirus pandemic.
Because there’s no 100%-safe way to date or have sex outside your household right now, you’ll see the super-unsexy — yet super-important — phrase “harm reduction strategies” throughout this guide. That’s because when it comes to engaging in social and physical intimacy, it’s all about weighing your risk factors, assessing them against the risk factors of the person (or people) you’d like to have sex with and doing everything you can to further reduce the potential harm.
We’ve consulted with these sex and health experts:
Stephanie Cohen, medical director of San Francisco City Clinic
Nenna Joiner, owner of Oakland sex store Feelmore and former adult filmmaker
Julia Feldman, Bay Area sex educator and consultant at Giving the Talk
What bodily fluids can carry COVID-19?
So many aspects of the coronavirus remain mysterious to scientists, and that includes the full scope of COVID-19’s relationship with sex. But here’s what we do know.
If someone has COVID-19, they can transmit the virus via particles in:
Their saliva
Their mucus
Their breath
The coronavirus has also been found in the semen and feces of people with COVID-19. It hasn’t been found in vaginal fluid.
Can COVID-19 be spread through sex, whether vaginal or anal? The scientific community actually doesn’t know for sure yet. What we do know is that “sex is the definition of close contact,” as Stephanie Cohen puts it. So if you’re close enough to get physically intimate with someone with COVID-19, you’re definitely close enough to have a high risk of being infected via those particles they’re exhaling.
How dangerous is kissing?
Kissing someone outside of your household is one of the most risky things you can do right now, Cohen says, because of how much exchange of saliva it involves.
For this reason, she says, kissing might actually present a higher risk of transmission than vaginal or anal sex. And anything that increases your respiration and your respiratory rate “will likely result in the release of more respiratory droplets,” thus increasing the risk of transmission — think heavy breathing.
Are certain types of sex riskier?
Because the coronavirus has been found in feces — and because gastrointestinal symptoms like diarrhea can occur sometimes with COVID-19 infection — Cohen says there’s a likely chance that anal sex or oral-anal contact would pose more of a transmission risk than other forms of sex such as penile-vaginal contact, for example.
That said, medical professionals just don’t know for sure. COVID-19 transmission risk would also be impacted by a number of other factors, such as the degree of face-to-face contact and how infectious the person with COVID-19 is at the time of the sexual encounter. Right now, there just isn’t enough data to be definitive, Cohen says — so it’s all about assessing those various risk indicators we do know about.
If I do have sex, what are some things I can do to reduce my risk of catching COVID-19?
If you’re utterly determined to have sex outside of your household right now, these precautions represent harm reduction strategies:
Wearing a mask: Remember, a mask protects the other person in how it limits the spread of your respiratory droplets. For masks to truly reduce the risks of either sexual partner getting COVID-19, both people would have to wear a mask: a mutual masking, if you will. “It might not be a strategy that works for everyone,” Cohen says, “but certainly I think it’s one that could reduce risk.” Remember though: as Nenna Joiner reminds us, masks are like condoms in the sense that you “still need to know how to put [them] on correctly.”
Choosing positions that minimize face-to-face contact: Spooning sex, doggy-style, reverse-cowboy/cowgirl/cowperson — consider agreeing to stick to sexual arrangements that keep your faces far apart, and ideally with one person faced completely away from the other. (It’s a bit of a spontaneity-killer, yes, but it’s a good idea to agree to this one before you start having sex, to avoid ‘the heat of the moment’ making the decisions for you.)
Remember cleanliness: “Washing up really well, both before and after sex” is another way sexual partners can potentially reduce their risk to each other, Cohen says. Wash your hands often with soap and water for at least 20 seconds. If you don’t have soap and water on hand, use a hand sanitizer that contains at least 60% alcohol and rub your hands together until they feel dry. Don’t use sanitizer anywhere intimate — it will really irritate that delicate skin. If you have someone else’s bodily fluids on your body, be sure to wash them off thoroughly. You cannot “absorb” the coronavirus through your skin, but you might touch your skin and then touch your face. If you’re using sex toys, wash those with soap and warm water.
Using condoms and other barriers: Wearing a condom during sex will decrease your exposure to saliva or feces. For oral sex, using a condom or dental dam similarly provides a barrier. This is especially important for any anal contact.
Keep it quick: Minimizing the length of a sexual encounter is a harm reduction strategy in how it’s reducing the amount of time you’re potentially being exposed to the virus.
Consider things that don’t exchange fluids: Mutual masturbation could be considered a harm reduction strategy, Cohen says. But don’t forget that if you’re simultaneously making out, “that could actually be higher risk than a quick session of oral sex,” she says.
And remember: Don’t forget to practice the safe sex you usually would before the pandemic.
With all this in mind, we’ll say it again: right now, during the COVID-19 pandemic, there is no way of having sex with someone outside your household that carries zero risk of transmitting or obtaining the virus.
“Everyone’s looking for a magic loophole,” acknowledges Julia Feldman, “and it doesn’t really exist.”
And here’s another tricky thing. Even if you and your partner agree to abide by all of the above harm reduction strategies in the cold light of day, things can shift in the heat of the moment. Previously agreed-upon plans can fall apart when inhibitions are lowered and you’re turned on, especially if alcohol is involved — and in these circumstances “you’re less likely to use your prefrontal cortex to really analyze the risk involved in the situation,” Feldman stresses. “Especially if you haven’t had sex in a long time and you’re very excited to do it.”
So if you’re concerned that your safety boundaries might be in any way reduced or made negotiable during sex… back away, and prioritize your health.
OK… I had sex anyway. How long should I wait to get a COVID-19 test?
If you aren’t sure whether your sexual partner had COVID-19, the best time to get tested for the coronavirus would be between five and 14 days after the encounter, says Stephanie Cohen.
That’s because the median average time from exposure to coronavirus symptom onset is five days — so testing any earlier than that might not yield an accurate result — but the incubation period (the amount of time you can be infected before showing symptoms) is up to 14 days.
Is isolating for 14 days between sexual partners a good idea?
Here’s the idea: you have sex with someone, and then wait for 14 days to see if you develop symptoms of COVID-19. If you don’t, you’re good to move on to a new partner safe in the knowledge you don’t have the disease and aren’t passing it on — right?
Not quite.
“It’s a good strategy; it’s a harm reduction strategy,” Cohen says, but “it’s not a zero-risk strategy.” That’s because of the large numbers of people who get COVID-19 but never show any symptoms.
What about sex with more than one person?
Having multiple people that you have sex with is a definite risk factor for transmitting COVID-19. These kinds of overlapping sexual relationships with different people — going back and forth between people, basically — is called “concurrency” in the sexual health world, and it’s something experts say will heighten your risk of spreading the disease.
“To minimize that concurrency,” Cohen says, “decrease the network size — which decreases the spread of coronavirus.” Basically, consider reducing the number of people you’re having sex with during the pandemic.
Where does that leave you if you practice polyamory, which is all about having multiple sexual relationships?
Nenna Joiner says that yes, some folks are deciding to take a break from polyamorous intimacy during the pandemic owing to the heightened risks of having different partners right now. But other poly people are choosing to isolate together “as a poly family,” they say, and agreeing to only have sex “within that sphere of people.” Ultimately, it’s about finding the solution that works best for your health, and that of others.
What about group sex?
If group sex (having sex with multiple people at the same time) was your thing before the pandemic, Stephanie Cohen has a message for you: “The fewer people, the better.”
That’s because with every additional person in a situation — social or sexual — you’re adding a potential COVID-19 case, whether they know they have it or not. In a group sex situation, that person is then potentially transmitting the coronavirus to multiple people at one time — who could then go on to infect others, who then go on to… you get the picture.
If you do continue to choose group sex, New York City’s public health department advises you to “Go with a consistent sex partner” in such a situation, and “pick larger, more open, and well-ventilated spaces.”
What about sex workers? How can they make it work right now?
Is there a way to safely engage in sex work in the midst of a pandemic?
It’s “a profession that certainly carries risk,” Cohen stresses, due to the amount of close physical contact involved. In addition to the other strategies discussed here, some additional harm reduction strategies sex workers might consider are to limit the number of clients they see during the pandemic, to opt for a smaller circle of regular clients and “more spacing out in-between partners.”
Who is ‘safe’ to date right now?
As if finding a match with someone you’re emotional and physically compatible with in all the expected ways wasn’t fraught enough — you now have the coronavirus risk compatibility to consider, too.
This is, Feldman admits, “a really unfortunate layer to add to dating.”
Get ready for some frank communication with partners, both current and potential ones, about your circumstances and behaviors around contact with other people. How many people are they seeing, socially or sexually? How does their daily life look in terms of interactions with other people? Are they an essential worker? If so, what kind of traffic does their place of work experience?
In a nutshell, this is not the time for mystery — and in many ways, you’ll have to be your own contact tracer, says Nenna Joiner.
How much do I need to talk about COVID-19 with potential partners?
Open, honest communication about your health has never been more crucial than right now. And, as Julia Feldman notes, if you’re getting sexually intimate with somebody, you should already be talking to that person about your health and sexual health status. COVID-19 is now another communicable disease for you and your sexual partner(s) to be discussing, without holding anything back. (Remember though: somebody can have the coronavirus and have zero symptoms. Just because somebody thinks they don’t have COVID-19 doesn’t mean they are definitely COVID-19-free.)
Starting these conversations can feel tricky, especially with someone you barely know, so Feldman advises you initiate the conversation by leading with your own experience — a time you were concerned you might have been at risk for contracting COVID-19, perhaps, or a recent decision to seek out a test for the disease. Leading with your own vulnerability, she says, can really open up a conversation without putting your prospective partner on the spot. You don’t want them to feel grilled, or accused. “That definitely doesn’t set the mood, and it doesn’t build trust,” Feldman says.
“Ultimately, at the end of the day, people are trying to figure out how to get all of their needs met as safely as possible,” reminds Feldman. “That’s a lot to navigate! This is brand new stuff. We are going to be messy.”
In being thoughtful though, don’t forget to acknowledge your own boundaries — and forget about anyone who doesn’t respect them, especially during a pandemic.
Being an advocate for your own safety — and working to limit community transmission of the coronavirus — means not letting any potential partners pressure you into meeting up in person, or engaging in any sexual contact you don’t want to have.
I live with other people. What do they need to know about my dating and sex life?
If you’re sharing your living situation with roommates or family, sorry: your business is now their business, especially if their own health places them in a vulnerable category.
That means you should be as transparent as possible with the people you live with about your relationship(s), and the types of activities and the type of risks that you’re involved in, Feldman says.
The first step in navigating this should be talking with the person you’re dating or having sex with, to establish their level of risk. You need to work out the potential COVID-19 risk their behavior and circumstances pose not just to you, but therefore to the people you cohabit with.
You should be prepared to discuss how you propose to minimize your roommates’ risk, whether that’s avoiding shared spaces in your home, relentless sanitizing of your living environment — or whether your cohabitees are prepared to not do this and accept the heightened risk, and the potential consequences of that.
Basically, get used to communicating because “you need to have some very frank conversations about how you’re going to try to keep everyone safe, and prioritize everyone’s health and well-being,” Feldman says. It’s that big a deal that ultimately, Cohen says, your roommates or family “should have veto power in terms of you engaging in risky behavior and bringing it back to them.”
Is ‘distanced sex’ a thing?
Totally, says Joiner: social distancing and forgoing physical touch does not have to be a barrier to sexual intimacy. Sex toys which use Bluetooth connectivity can be used or worn by one partner and activated remotely by their partner from six feet or more away, without any physical contact. If you want to increase that distance, Joiner says you could use these kinds of toys in conjunction with phone sex, or voyeurism.
It might sound impersonal, but Joiner says distanced products actually require just as much effort and communication, if not more.
“You’ve got to turn on a person to make them feel confident and comfortable and warm like you’re there,” they say. (Joiner’s pro tip: If you’re purchasing this kind of remote toy for the first time, try it out solo first to really get to grips with it — and minimize any awkwardness when you come to use it with your partner.)
I know I am ‘my own safest partner.’ How can I make the most of that?
Nenna Joiner reminds that some people might actually welcome the break from active dating that COVID-19 enforces. Some people with anxiety can often find the machinery of dating — conversation, sex with someone new — stressful and anxiety-provoking. If that’s you, Joiner says to take advantage of this “buffer,” to get some respite. They also want to remind you that not everyone in the world is into self-pleasure — and if that’s you, that’s totally fine.
If limiting your physical intimacy with others is something you’re committed to, you may be considering acquiring sex toys to concentrate on your personal pleasure instead. Joiner says many sex shops, including their own, offer online chat services, where you can consult with an expert about exactly what you’re looking for. Joiner says some of Feelmore’s live chats can get “crazy,” so don’t worry about being frank with the professionals. Online deliveries or courier services are also available in many stores, to enable you to maintain social distancing.
Joiner’s entry-level advice with your purchases: “Stay on the lower end (on price), figure your body out for yourself and then progress from there.”
What about taking everything online?
If you decide to take your sex life fully online to eliminate any close contact or in-person elements, New York City’s public health experts advise that if you normally meet your sexual partners online (or make a living on the internet), “video dates, sexting, subscription-based fan platforms, sexy ‘Zoom parties’ or chat rooms may be options for you.”
If you choose this option, don’t forget to keep your environments clean in a way you would if someone else was present, and disinfect any keyboards and touch screens you’re using that you share with other other people.
Also, don’t let the possibilities of the internet (and let’s face it, lockdown-induced frustrations) override your normal judgment around your online privacy and personal safety. Especially when it comes to sending nudes or other intimate material to someone you don’t know and trust.
How can I ‘have’ intimacy if it’s not safe to touch someone right now?
Don’t be deterred or dismayed by how new all this feels either, Joiner says. The pandemic means many of us have had to learn new ways of living in general, and these adaptations to our sexual lives are in many ways “an opportunity to create a new life sexually for ourselves as well,” they say.
Joiner believes that this might even be a spur to regain intimacy for many people, because of the extra imagination and effort required. It’s a chance, they say, to make sure that you’re really focusing on your own emotional needs.
Julia Feldman advises that this is also a potential moment to redefine what intimacy means for you, beyond mere physical touch: “We can’t say that intimacy is dead!” she says. “It just has to function slightly differently.”
I live with my partner but we’re not having much sex. Help!
It’s not just single folks who aren’t necessarily having the quantity or quality of physical contact they’d prefer during quarantine. For a couple who lives together, even a previously harmonious relationship can be severely tested by 24/7 cohabitation during COVID-19 — and result in a drop in intimacy.
It’s all about switching up your timing to reinvigorate a dynamic, Joiner says. They recommend taking separate breaks outside of your shared accommodation — like a solo lunch break at the park — but also occasionally meeting up in a fresh setting that’s not where you live together. Joiner recommends trying a joint picnic, or a driving date — shared experiences that “will actually lead you to have to know why you’re in a relationship with your partner, and then to lead towards more intimacy, which leads to more sex.”
Don’t forget the power of dressing up slightly too, Joiner says, who warns against “the rut of seeing each other in certain clothes” (e.g. your work-from-home sweats.)
Even making a little effort for regular activities can go a long way, they say. “Like my partner: Yesterday we went to church online, and she puts on a dress. I’m like, ‘shit!'”
My live-in partner is really bad at social distancing, and I’m worried to kiss or have sex with them. What can I do?
If you’re covering your face in public and maintaining social distance, but your partner doesn’t, they’re not only heightening their own risk of contracting COVID-19 but bringing their risk home to you. How can you have that conversation in a way that makes change?
In a sense, this conversation is an extension of the dialogues you and your partner have already (hopefully!) had about trust and fidelity of all kinds within your relationship, and the things that matter to you, whether that’s strict monogamy or communication around other partnerships you may have. Agreeing to even be in a relationship is about declaring an intent to care for that other person’s wellbeing and safety in certain regards, and any breach of that — like bringing home a risk of COVID-19 without discussion — represents a decision to disregard that agreement.
So if you’re in this situation, try explicitly framing this with your partner as a fidelity issue, Feldman recommends: “We made a commitment to protect each other through the good and bad, and right now this is pretty bad.”
She advises aiming to come to a reaffirmed agreement with your partner about “what level of risk you’re both willing to take on, and to really sign onto that.” Then, if there’s still a breach, you really need to talk about respect within your relationship, and whether you’re both really committed to each other.
When opening up these dialogues with your partner, Feldman also advises emphasizing that these are not “normal times,” and this is not forever. These restrictions and limitations for which you’re advocating on the grounds of your shared health — and the trust in your relationship — are temporary. “You’re not saying your husband can never, for example, go play poker with the guys ever again, or whatever it is that he wants to do.”
Relationships with others are essential to our physical and mental wellbeing. They can be a source of great pleasure and support for some, however for others, they can trigger feelings of anxiety and cause a great deal of distress.
What is relationship anxiety?
Relationship anxiety or relationship-based anxiety, refers to anxiety that arises in intimate relationships. It is not a recognised, diagnosable condition and as such there are no guidelines for how to treat it, however it is a reportedly common problem predicted to affect approximately 1 in 5 people.
There are many reasons why someone might feel anxious about their relationships. They might fear being abandoned or rejected or worry that their feelings are not reciprocated. Some may worry that their partner will be unfaithful or that the relationship will not last. Others may have fears about being sexually intimate with a partner or committing to another person and missing out on other options in life.
Relationship anxiety is a reportedly common problem predicted to affect approximately 1 in 5 people.
Anxiety and dating
Feelings of anxiety are especially common at the beginning of a relationship or when dating. Before the relationship is fully established, uncertainty around how the other person feels or the status of the relationship, can be difficult to tolerate. Many people fear judgement or rejection from others to such an extent that the resulting anxiety effects dating performance e.g. feeling so self-conscious that it is hard to make eye contact or maintain a conversation. This fear can be so great in some people that, despite wanting to be in a relationship, they avoid dating altogether.
Anxiety and sex
Anxiety can affect both the sex life and physical intimacy of a relationship. Anxiety can effect our libido or sex drive for a number of reasons and it can also make having sex difficult, or impossible, on a physical level. This can cause further anxiety and create a negative cycle. The worrying thoughts and tension we experience when feeling anxious can make it hard to relax enough to be able to enjoy sex or be present enough to be physically intimate with another person. Sex-related fears e.g. fears over appearance, performance or being vulnerable with another person can also make having sex and connecting physically very difficult for some people, and lead to it’s complete avoidance for others.
Why we feel anxious in relationships
The tendency to feel anxious about relationships is often a result of the attachment patterns we experienced with our parents or caregivers when we were young. These influence how we understand our needs and go about getting them met. If we experienced anxious-type attachment patterns, we are more likely to experience higher levels of relationship anxiety.
Low self-esteem and a long-standing negative view of yourself can also contribute to feelings of anxiety in a relationship. If you have beliefs that you are not good enough or don’t have as much to offer in a relationship as other people then you will likely think that this is what your partner thinks about you as well.
Low self-esteem and a long-standing negative view of yourself can contribute to feelings of anxiety in a relationship.
Previous romantic relationships will also effect how we view our present ones. When we form relationships, we place a great deal of trust in someone else which can lead us to feel exposed and vulnerable. If a past partner was unfaithful, ended the relationship suddenly or was dishonest then you may grow to expect this from future partners.
The relationship itself can also cause you to feel anxious. It would be natural to experience anxiety if your partner was secretive, critical, controlling or abusive. If your partner is threatening or abusive, details of organisations that can support you can be found at the bottom of the page.
Signs of relationship anxiety
It is normal for most people to experience some level of unease or worry about their relationship at times, however for others this is more intense and enduring. The following are signs that you may be experiencing relationship anxiety:
You frequently worry about what you mean to your partner, what your partner is doing when you are not around and whether your relationship will work out.
You worry that your partners feelings for you have changed if you haven’t heard from them in a while.
You blow situations out of proportion, easily feeling hurt or angry at minor issues.
You don’t trust your partner and are hyper vigilant for signs that they have been unfaithful, dishonest or will leave you.
You experience frequent symptoms of anxiety when thinking about your relationship e.g. tension, sweatiness, difficulty concentrating.
You frequently check up on your partner e.g. checking their emails or text messages to try and find out what they have been up to.
You frequently ask your partner for reassurance about their feelings towards you.
You go out of your way to please your partner, at the expense of your own needs.
You don’t express your feelings or opinions and don’t feel like you are able to be yourself when you’re with your partner.
You make critical comments to your partner or are demanding and controlling.
You are aloof, distant or guarded with your partner, withholding parts of yourself from them.
You are clingy and always want to be around your partner.
You are reluctant to be in a serious relationship or commit to your partner fully as you are scared that it won’t work out and that you will be hurt, disappointed or betrayed.
You test your partner’s feelings for you e.g. by pushing them away to see how much they will fight for you (which is then taken as a sign of their feelings).
You sabotage the relationship e.g. secretly meeting up with an ‘ex’ in an attempt to feel more in control.
How relationship anxiety affects you and your relationship
If relationship anxiety is not remedied, you might find that your anxious thoughts become more and more frequent. This can cause further anxiety, feelings of hopelessness and depression in the long run. Relationship anxiety may impact on your partner and relationship as well. It can result in you keeping your partner at arms length or even ending the relationship altogether. It can also be played out through being confrontational and controlling or passive and needy. Our behaviours impact on how others feel and therefore respond to us. In some cases, relationship anxiety can create a self-fulfilling prophecy whereby the behaviours that you display as a result of your fears, themselves cause the negative outcome that you feared.
If anxiety about your relationship becomes excessive, impacts on your relationship or affects your quality of life then it might be time to do something about it.
Tips for overcoming relationship anxiety
1. Manage the way you think
Recognising the thoughts you have that are causing your anxiety is important. This may be negative thoughts that you have about yourself and your worth or a tendency to “mind read” or make assumptions about what others are thinking. Make sure that the perspective you have is based on the ‘facts’ or reality of the situation rather than interpretations you have made based on habitual thinking patterns and past experiences.
Relationship anxiety is often the result of excessive worrying. We tend to worry in response to situations where the outcome is uncertain. In order to give us a sense of control, the mind focuses on the potential negative outcomes that ‘could’ happen. Mindfulness practices can help us to recognise this tendency of the mind. By noticing our thoughts and feelings with an attitude of curiosity and acceptance, we can watch them come and go whilst giving up any attempts to prepare for, or control, what happens in the future. This allows us to experience life without getting caught up in past stories of pain, or imagined future worries.
A short course of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) can help you to develop a more balanced perspective of yourself, improve your self-esteem and learn how to view your relationship more realistically which, in turn, will help you manage how you feel.
2. Manage the things you do
The things that we do also effects the anxiety that we feel. When you feel anxious, you may feel compelled to seek reassurance or check up on your partner. Whilst this may help you feel better temporarily, in the long-run it will keep you feeling anxious and may even effect your relationship. Managing the negative thoughts that you have that are creating your anxiety, whilst avoiding acting out of anxiety, will lead to longer-lasting and positive change.
Clearly communicating with your partner can also help you to manage relationship anxiety and strengthen your relationship, as it will give you the both the opportunity to express how you feel and what you need from each other. It might be tempting to avoid talking about difficult issues, however these generally don’t tend to disappear, and can cause resentments to build up.
Some people who experience relationship anxiety can get so caught up in their anxious thoughts that other areas of life get forgotten. Make sure that you schedule time, each day, to do the things that you need to do to feel good about yourself. Continuing with your own hobbies and interests, maintaining other relationships and doing the things that are important to you will help you feel good about yourself and better able to manage feelings of anxiety.
3. Manage physical symptoms of anxiety
General anxiety management techniques can also help you to feel more balanced and calm which, in turn, will help you to think more clearly and positively. Taking regular time out to relax and exercise, getting enough sleep, listening to relaxation exercises or guided meditations, practising yoga, keeping a journal and eating regular, balanced meals can all help the body and mind to feel calmer.
Links to further support:
If you are feeling overwhelmed by anxiety and finding it hard to cope with this on your own, a short course of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) can help you to understand the origins of your anxiety and make the changes you need to overcome it, once and for all. Your GP will be able to refer you to a local therapy service or you can find details of private therapists near you here.
If your anxiety is impacting on your relationship, relationship therapy with your partner may help. You can find more information about relationship therapy here.
Incarceration and police discrimination may contribute to HIV, depression and anxiety among Black gay, bisexual and other sexual minority men, according to a Rutgers led study.
The study, funded by the National Institute of Health (NIH) and published in the journal Social Science & Medicine, examined associations between incarceration, police and law enforcement discrimination and recent arrest with Black sexual minority mens’ psychological distress, risk for HIV and willingness to take pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP) for HIV prevention.
“Evidence suggests Black sexual minority men in the United States may face some of the highest rates of policing and incarceration in the world,” said lead author, Devin English, assistant professor at the Rutgers School of Public Health. “Despite this, research examining the health impacts of the U.S. carceral system rarely focuses on their experiences. This study helps to address this gap.”
“We examined how incarceration and police discrimination, which have roots in enforcing White supremacy and societal heterosexism, are associated with some of the most pressing health crises among Black sexual minority men like depression, anxiety, and HIV,” English added.
The researchers surveyed 1,172 Black, gay, bisexual, and other sexual minority men over the age of 16 from across the U.S. who reported behaviors that increased their risk for HIV over the previous six months. Participants reported on their incarceration history, experiences of police and law enforcement discrimination, anxiety and depression, sexual behavior, and willingness to take PrEP.
They found that 43 percent of study participants reported police discrimination within the previous year, which was most frequent among those with a history of incarceration. Respondents who faced high levels of police discrimination within the previous year also tended to show high levels of psychological distress and HIV risk, and a low willingness to take PrEP compared with their peers. The study also found that respondents who were previously incarcerated or recently arrested had a heightened HIV risk and lower willingness to take PrEP.
“These findings transcend individual-level only explanations to offer structural-level insights about how we think about Black sexual minority men’s HIV risk,” says co-author Lisa Bowleg, professor of psychology at The George Washington University. “The study rightly directs attention to the structural intersectional discrimination that negatively affects Black sexual minority men’s health.”
The article states that the findings support the need for anti-racist and anti-heterosexist advocacy and interventions focused on reducing discrimination in U.S. society, and the carceral system specifically.
“Despite experiencing a disproportionate burden of violence and discrimination at the hands of the police, and extremely high carceral rates, Black queer men are largely invisible in discourse on anti-Black policing and incarceration,” says co-author Joseph Carter, doctoral student of health psychology at the City University of New York’s Graduate Center. “Our study provides empirical support for the intersectional health impacts of police and carceral discrimination that have been systemically perpetrated onto Black queer men.”
According to Dr. Sara C. Flowers, vice president of education for Planned Parenthood Federation of America, only 9 states and the District of Columbia include LGBTQ-inclusive sex education in their curriculum.
“Queer young people are often left out of the conversation altogether,” Flowers told Insider. “This can result in a lot of misinformation about their identities, bodies, and health — leaving them without the skills or resources they need to have healthy relationships or safe sex, if and when they make that decision.”
Gina Desiderio, director of communications for The Health Teen Network, told Insider that not only does this do a disservice to LGBTQ youth, it actually worsens their mental health.
“Research shows that LGBTQ+ young people report disproportionate experiences of depression, bullying, and feelings of unsafety at school — and these experiences are even more common among LGBTQ+ youth of color,” Desiderio said. “However, queer youth that do receive inclusive sex education are less likely to feel unsafe and report lower levels of victimization because of their identity.”
Insider compiled a list of the most critical queer sex education facts left out of the classroom.
Some people using hormones aren’t sure what protection to use, but there are some creative solutions.
Barriers like condoms are not just used to prevent pregnancy. They serve an important role in preventing the spread of STIs like gonorrhea, chlamydia, and HIV.
According to Flowers, they should be used regardless of you or your partner’s genitalia. However, oftentimes condoms are framed as the only option. Dental damns, latex gloves, and other alternatives can better suit the needs of different people.
“If you or your partner has an enlarged clitoris from taking testosterone, you can create a barrier method using a latex glove by cutting off the fingers and placing it over the clitoris, or by cutting the glove or a condom into a dental dam that leaves extra space in the thumb for the clitoris,” Flowers said.
Even if you’re performing non-penetrative sex, these kinds of barriers should be used.
Use barriers on your sex toys as well.
Barriers are important even if you’re using a sex toy on a partner.
If you use sex toys on multiple people (like yourself and your partner), putting a condom on them can help keep everyone involved safe.
“Condoms can also be used on sex toys to reduce the chance of passing STIs between partners,” Flowers said.
You can still get pregnant even if you or your partner are taking gender-affirming hormones.
Sometimes, trans and non-binary people undergo Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT), and take gender-affirming hormones like estrogen and testosterone.
While these hormones change the body, affect fertility and even eliminate periods for some, they are not a form of birth control. People on HRT can still get pregnant or impregnate another person.
“People taking gender-affirming hormones like testosterone and estrogen can still become involved in a pregnancy,” Flowers said. “To prevent pregnancy, consider non-hormonal birth control options, including the copper IUD or barrier methods like external or internal condoms, which still work while taking gender-affirming hormones.”
‘Losing your virginity’ isn’t necessarily penetration between a penis and a vagina — it can look like many things.
Oftentimes, sex and losing your virginity is framed as having penetrative sex between cisgender man with a penis and cisgender woman with a vagina.
But sex and losing your virginity can look like a variety of ways for people and certainly doesn’t have to involve penetration.
In addition to penetrative sex being centered, sex in many sex ed classes is oftentimes from as a means to an end to have a child. Not only does this undermine the importance of pleasure in cisgender heterosexual sex, it completely erases many queer people who cannot have sex that results in a pregnancy.
“Too often, sex education casts all adolescent sexual activity in the narrowest, most sex-negative of lights: potentially dangerous at best, and catastrophic at worst,” Desiderio told Insider. “This failure to integrate sex positivity matters to queer and straight, cisgender young people alike.”
Desiderio told Insider instead educators should be openly talking about pleasure in the context of sex.
“Having frank, open conversations about sexual pleasure acknowledges people have sex for reasons other than reproduction, affirming the identities of LGBTQ+ people too often erased by curricula infatuated with the nitty-gritty details of when sperm meets egg,” Desiderio said.
It’s important to be aware that homophobia and transphobia can drive low self-esteem. And that can affect relationships.
According to Flowers, dating violence is oftentimes mentioned in the context of cisgender and straight relationships, but it’s crucial for LGBTQ youth to understand dating violence can happen to anyone, regardless of gender identity, presentation, or sexual orientation.
“LGBTQ+ young people deserve sex education that helps them learn how to identify healthy and unhealthy relationships, teaches them about consent, and lets them know they deserve to be supported if they are in an unsafe or unhealthy relationship,” Flowers told Insider.
These are some good techniques to consider when coming out to your family.
While the decision to come out differs from person to person, having the proper language to talk about sexual orientation and gender identity is necessary for a young LGBTQ person to talk to their family.
“Including tips for coming out about gender identity or sexual orientation in classroom instruction is one way to de-center heteronormative relationships and ensure all young people are getting what they need from sex education,” Flowers said.
Here are some tips Flowers suggested that can make you feel more comfortable and prepared:
Choose a private location
Plan what you’re going to say ahead of time
Prepare for questions about your sexuality or gender identity
Pay attention to politics. Race, gender, ability, and class all affect your access to sexual health.
The way we have sex, and access sexual healthcare, can be greatly impacted by our gender, sexuality, or race. For example, HIV/AIDs still disproportionately impacts Black and Latinx queer men in the United States.
That’s why it’s important to understand the challenges you personally face in life, beyond in the bedroom, according to Desiderio.
“These factors combined affect the health and well-being of LGBTQ+ and gender nonconforming youth, as evidenced by high rates of attempted and completed suicide, unplanned pregnancies, and HIV and sexually transmitted infection diagnoses,” Desiderio said.
At school, Desiderio says, there should be open discussions about each child’s identity, so they can be prepared for oppression and the barriers they may face in life.
“Institutions organized for the dominant population too often marginalize, ignore, or erase the LGBTQ+ experience and queer sex,” Desiderio said. “Young people face vast systemic inequities and structural barriers to ensuring their health; affirming, inclusive sex education is one way we can support and empower young people to thrive.”
In late 2019, Well+Good predicted that 2020 would mark an all-time high point for the sexual pleasure of vulva-owners—and so far, we haven’t been disappointed. Along with heralding in an era of high-tech vibrators and learning how both solo and partnered pleasure activities can survive during quarantine, an open and honest conversation about sex is slowly but surely becoming the norm. If you don’t believe me, just take a look at the packed calendar of digital sex-positive workshops scheduled for the weeks ahead.
The International Society for Sexual Medicine (ISSM) defines sex-positive folks as people who are “open to learning more about sex and sexual activity“—and these are definitely qualities of those attending and hosting the summer workshops below. If you find yourself wanting to get in on the conversation (and learn a ton about sex and desire along the way) check out the following digital sex-positive workshops and events to sign up for ASAP.
6 sex-positive workshops to sign up for this summer
Hosted by sexual-wellness company Dame Products, this workshop features somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist Holly Richmond, LMFT, who will give tips on having—you guessed it—the best sex ever.
“Having sex is both an emotional and physical experience, so it makes sense to use the mind and the body as resources for pleasure and connection,” reads the event description. “Using methods of mindfulness and tantra practices, and drawing on principles of neuroscience and polyvagal theory, participants will learn to use the mind and body together—not focus on one over the other—to have their best sex ever.”
This workshop invites Black people of all genders, sexual orientations, gender expressions, disabilities, and religions to join in on a workshop about getting in touch with your most erotic self. “We all have a source of power, knowledge, and pleasure within us that comes from the erotic. The erotic informs us of the relationships, experiences, and things we desire in our life. Now is the time to honor and reclaim our erotic selves, erotic voice, and erotic power. It’s time for us to reject the sex negativity that this world projects onto us so we can begin living lives full of pleasure,” reads the event page.
The price on this one may seem steep, but you’ll walk away with a 25-page workshop and a “curated list of resources for your sexual liberation journey.” Afrosexology will also host a followup workshop on June 28, 2020 at 5 p.m., ET, for those outside the Black community, also $97.
“Mainstream sex ed probably hasn’t answered the questions you have about having sex as a queer (or questioning) person, but now, they’ll be answered,” reads the event page. Hosted by sex educator Cassandra Corrado, the curriculum of this particular evening will include learning about sexual wellness from a queer perspective, finding your euphoria in the bedroom, and creating the love and pleasure you deserve.
The Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health (CSPH), which has been instrumental in providing open discourse and dialogue about the many shades of sex and sexuality, is at risk for going out of business by the end of the summer. To help keep its doors open, the company will be transforming the next in its event series, Sticky Stories, into a fund-raiser. Expect live readings, diary entries, sex adventures (and misadventures) at these live events.
Another event hosted by Dame Products, this workshop will investigate the tricky territory of coupled conversation during COVID-19. Led by licensed therapist and Viva Wellness co-founder Jor-El Caraballo, LMHC, you’ll log off from the session with new strategies for how to talk about your needs effectively with your partner in good times and in the midst of arguments.
A whole weekend of kink intel is coming up at the end of July, and it’s sure to be an educational couple of days. With 18 courses available for you to sign up for, including “Domming from the bottom” and “Impact for non-masochist,” you’re likely to expand your pleasure horizons.
In this global pandemic, adults must get over their squeamishness about young people’s sexuality and talk about how sex figures into campus life, Jennifer S. Hirsch and Shamus Khan contend.
In this moment of global pandemic, it’s urgent for adults to get over their squeamishness about young people’s sexuality and talk about how sex figures into campus life.
Colleges and universities are social institutions. Students see this social life — friendships, extracurriculars and networking, and also sex — as fundamental to the college experience. Our book, Sexual Citizens, draws on three semesters of research spending time with and interviewing undergraduates on the Columbia University and Barnard College campuses. In it, we found that students want many things out of their university experience, what we call their “college projects.” These include being introduced to challenging ideas, mastering a discipline, developing new interests and skills, meeting people from a range of backgrounds, and cultivating critical life skills. But one of the most important college projects for students is their “sexual project”: having the kinds of sexual experiences they want and discovering what sex means to them.
The students we interviewed described wide-ranging sexual projects. Sometimes, sex is about pleasure. Other times, intimacy. For many students, especially early on in college, the goals are accruing experience, impressing their friends or figuring out who they are. Sometimes sexual projects entail a lot of sex, but the sexual project can be no sex: one young man, a devout born-again Christian, saw his commitment to abstinence as a fundamental expression of his new self.
One of the reasons students arrive on campus so intent on their sexual projects is that few adults had ever asked the students with whom we spoke what sex meant to them. For many young people, home is an environment of sexual silence and shame, and college offers the promise of a space where they can express themselves. Many American parents convey to their children, “Not under my roof.” The message is clear: sex itself is immoral.
Sex education, even when it’s not abstinence-only, frequently amplifies those familial messages of shame and fear. Many students we spoke with described K-12 sex ed as “the sexual diseases class” — a barrage of messaging about the risks of sex. While STDs are an important health concern, a focus on sex’s adverse consequences absent any discussion of sex in relation to pleasure or connection conveys the message that young people’s sexual desires are unacceptable. This is even more pronounced for queer students, whose very identities are erased by most sex ed curricula, by the unquestioned heteronormativity of high school’s prom kings and queens, and by the all-too-frequent experience of returning home every day to families where they cannot be themselves.
College and sex aren’t just tied together because they provide an escape from the silences of home. There are also developmental reasons: the average age at first intercourse in America is about 17. That means that many 18- or 19-year-olds starting college have not yet had sex, and even those who have often haven’t had much experience. Most students, imagining their own deficit, are eager to “catch up” with their peers.
If, as in Jennifer’s family, these months of social distancing have included some nostalgic parental choices for family movie night, the high school Class of 2020 may have been subjected to oldies like Grease or Risky Business. But whether it is those or other cringey classics like Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Porky’s and American Pie or sleepers like Blockers or films with a more modern sensibility like Ladybird, Booksmart or Love, Simon, American movies about the end of high school have one consistent message: it is an essential time to figure out sex in order to launch into the world, finally, as an adult. Shut indoors for months, without prom, senior trip or even the mild flirting that comes with yearbook signing, the Class of 2020 is likely to feel more acutely what young people long have felt: that they are behind when it comes to sex. While they may not say it to their parents, the disappointment about an online start to the school year is at least as much about the social and sexual as it is about the educational.
It’s been decades since most institutions of higher education rescinded parietals: rules about when opposite sex visitors could be in a dorm and under what kind of supervision. Those policy changes were an important recognition of students’ “sexual citizenship” — an official, if tacit, acknowledgment of young people’s right to sexual self-determination. Now is not the time to bring those rules back under the guise of protection. Instead, we need a student-centered approach that unflinchingly faces the realities of what young people are going to be doing, and how their recent experiences are motivating those actions.
In Sexual Citizens, we use sexual projects and sexual citizenship to reveal the social roots of campus sexual assault. But the ideas have a broader application, as a framework for understanding sex on campus and as a way of thinking about what it would look like to organize sexual and social lives in relation to the common good. Sexual projects and sexual citizenship are the logical starting point for respectful dialogue between administrators and students, and among students themselves, about sex during a pandemic. We have been here before: in the early years of HIV, gay activists, advised by a virologist, published a pamphlet that “provided some of the earliest guidance on safer sex for gay men.” That approach — acknowledging that people have compelling social reasons for behaviors that entail some health risk and engaging in candid and nonjudgmental conversation about how to make those activities safer — is called harm reduction.
Recently, experts from Planned Parenthood, the American Sexual Health Association and Fenway Health joined the New York City and San Francisco health departments in promoting a harm reduction approach to sex during this pandemic. That entails recognizing sex as a normal part of a healthy life, reminding people that “you are your safest sexual partner” and providing guidance on how to minimize the risk of transmission for those who seek out new partners.
The take-home for institutions of higher education is clear: instead of saying, “Don’t have sex,” acknowledge young people’s sexual projects and encourage them to channel those projects in socially responsible ways. The safest sex is solo or remote. Those who chose in-person sex should use condoms and other barriers and remember to wash up before and after sex. And “if you do have sex with others, have as few partners as possible.”
Higher ed leaders should remember that this is generation that has led, rather than followed, in the name of collective responsibility, with one study showing that 20 percent of millennials had changed their diet because of concerns about climate change, compared to only 8 percent of baby boomers. Conversations that explicitly connect incoming students’ sexual projects to the greater good will resonate with lessons all around them. Whether wearing masks or doing Mother’s Day, birthdays and even funerals online to protect our beloved elders, huge numbers of us, including many members of the Class of 2020, have foregone myriad small pleasures for the collective good.
This is a critical moment for rethinking and reorganizing campus sex. At least some of the students whose stories appear in Sexual Citizens, as well as some whom Lisa Wade interviewed in American Hookup, articulated substantial ambivalence about hookup culture. We think in particular about the young woman who compared getting drunk before hooking up to Novocain at the dentist — the numbing required to get through the discomfort. This is a moment to reimagine welcoming students to college as a long process that offers an appealing range of activities through which students can get to know each other more slowly — before or even perhaps without ever getting naked. Those activities, in combination with the moral cover provided by the need to socially distance, may offer those who want it an opportunity to step back from the notion that “doing college” necessarily means getting drunk and having sex.
Institutions have been slowly building toward a greater recognition of college students’ sexual citizenship: officially sanctioned BDSM clubs, vending-machine availability of emergency contraception, widespread campus condom availability programs and, of course, sexual assault prevention programs themselves are all acknowledgments that for many students, sex is part of campus life. In normal times, institutions need to think about how they can create environments — reimagining everything from furniture to culture — where those who chose to have sex can do so without harm to themselves or others. COVID-19 just amplifies this obligation.
Like professors across the country, we long to see young people back on campuses — queuing up for office hours, lolling in the sun on the lawns, throwing down their book bags before seminar or even meticulously setting up a whole breakfast as class starts. But having spent semesters immersed in their daily lives, we know not to fool ourselves that they are only here to see us. They come for each other, and they can’t do that until and unless higher ed leaders have an honest and respectful conversation with them about how to do that safely.
That means thinking about young people as sexual citizens, talking to them about what sexual projects are valuable and creating geographies of experience that help them have sex in the ways that they want and that respect the choices of those around them. Whether the goal is promoting social distancing or preventing sexual assault, work with young people needs to begin with a recognition of their right to sexual self-determination.
Sex, and lots of it, has long been the primary preoccupation of young adults, but more of them are now going months and years without any intimate encounters.
New research shows that one of three men between the ages of 18 to 24 have not had any sex during the past year, putting to rest all the talk of the “hookup culture.”
Men and women aged 25 to 34 in the United States also reported an increase in sexual inactivity and a decrease in sexual frequency during the past two decades, the researchers found.
“In the age of Tinder, young people are actually having less sex, not more,” said Jean Twenge, a professor of psychology at San Diego State University.
Analyzing national survey data, researchers found that sexual inactivity increased from 19% to 31% among men 18 to 24 between 2000 and 2018. They defined sexual inactivity as no sex at all for a year or more.
Among those aged 25 to 34, sexual inactivity doubled among men (7% to 14%) and nearly doubled among women (7% to 13%) during the same two decades, the researchers reported.
Many who remain sexually active are having sex less often, the findings also showed. Fewer people are having sex at least weekly, particularly those with one sexual partner.
The report was published online June 12 in JAMA Network Open.
“It is important to distinguish between a decrease in sexual frequency among those who are sexually active and an increase in those who do not have sex at all,” said lead researcher Dr. Peter Ueda, a physician-researcher at the Karolinska Institute in Sweden.
“While the mean sexual frequency among those who were sexually active may reflect their priorities and preferences, sexual inactivity may reflect an absence of sexually intimate relationships, with substantially different implications for public health and society,” Ueda said.
Technology and society appear to be colliding in a way that dramatically affects young adults’ interest in sex, said Twenge, who wrote an editorial accompanying the new study.
Even though kids are entering puberty earlier, they are taking longer to grow into adulthood, Twenge said.
It’s not just about sex. These young adults also are taking longer to begin working, start dating, move out of their parents’ home, settle into a career, live with a partner, have kids or buy houses, Twenge said.
The generation coming up after millennials, which Twenge calls “iGen,” aren’t even that motivated to hang out with friends, she said.
“iGen does those things significantly less than previous generations did at the same age,” Twenge said, noting that young adults these days would rather check out social media, play video games or text their pals.
“They’re choosing to spend their leisure time communicating using their phones instead of face-to-face,” Twenge continued. “When people aren’t face-to-face, they’re probably going to have less sex.”
All told, young adults now might decide that bingeing Netflix or posting on Instagram is more enjoyable than seeking a sexual partner, Twenge said.
“There are just more things to do at 10 p.m. than there used to be,” Twenge explained.
Even when people are together, they’re allowing their smartphones to interfere with their chemistry, Twenge added.
Many people on dates are guilty of “phubbing” — pulling out their phone and snubbing the person they’re with, Twenge said.
“What happens to face-to-face interactions when the phones come up? Not surprisingly, it just doesn’t go as well. It’s not as emotionally close,” Twenge said.
Linda De Villers, a sex therapist in El Segundo, Calif., agreed.
“It is really shocking to be in restaurants and see everybody’s nose in their phone,” De Villers said. “That’s bizarre. That’s about, I don’t want to connect.”
De Villers also wondered if the increase in depression among young adults might have something to do with this trend.
“Of course, lack of sexual interest is related to depression,” De Villers said.
The concept of asexuality also has become trendy, and De Villers wondered what role that might play.
“Asexuality has been quite a buzzword in the last five or six years or so. It tends to be worn as a badge of honor, I believe,” De Villers said. “That does raise a curious question about whether a number of people think sex is a hassle that interferes with other life pursuits for them.”
In the end, is a lack of sexual interest necessarily a bad thing for young adults?
According to Twenge, “That is the sexual peak for a lot of people, in terms of their sex drive and enjoyment and energy levels. You could certainly make the argument that it’s not entirely a good thing that young adults are missing out on sex during that time of their lives.”
De Villers said she isn’t so sure, though.
“The people I know in the field of sexuality, we are a group of people who loosely speaking call ourselves sex-positive. There’s a perspective that sex is good and life-affirming. It’s important to be sexual,” De Villers said. “But the bottom line is, if people are content, we really shouldn’t be evaluating whether it’s a good or bad thing.”
They say the mind is the biggest, most powerful sex organ in the body. But, uh, don’t try visualizing that mental image too vividly or literally, unless you’re into that sorta thing?
Instead, imagine your favorite fictional crush pressing you up against a wall, or think back to the hottest sex you ever had in your life. Now stop imagining, because this magical place where all your desires are possible and acceptable exists. And literally anyone can tap into it.
While sexual fantasies are by definition not “real,” their effects on your sex life (especially when explored during masturbation) are — shall we say — palpably physical.
“Engaging your imagination rather than relying on visual porn for example helps to build, enhance and strengthen your erotic mind,” said Dr. Britney Blair, co-founder and Chief Science Officer of the sexual wellness Lover app. “You can bring that imagination to life when you want to prime the pump on your desire or push yourself over the edge to climax while solo or with a partner.”
“It’s incredibly liberating, recognizing our own power to design the scenes and situations that turn us on.”
To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with porn or other forms of erotica. But there’s something especially powerful in orgasming to smut that couldn’t be more personally tailored to what you like.
“In our minds we’re not confined to our studio apartments or our current sexual partners. There are no rules or judgments. Not even the laws of physics apply,” said Gina Gutierrez, co-founder of the popular audio erotica app Dipsea. “It’s incredibly liberating, recognizing our own power to design the scenes and situations that turn us on and to scrap the ones that don’t work for us.”
Don’t take our word for it, though. There’s science to show exactly how real the effects of a healthy erotic imagination are.
“The mind is really the recipient of all the body’s sensations. So there’s this empirical evidence of a huge connection between the mind and pleasure,” she said.
While everyone can benefit from using their imagination as a sexual aid, it’s an especially potent practice for women and others who society has conditioned to feel ashamed about their sexuality.
“We have to do more work to lay down the connections, the neural pathways, between the genitals and the brain’s sensory reward regions,” said Wise. “Using your imagination to masturbate not only gives us the information about what stimulation we need, but also actually strengthens the connections between our genitals and the brain.”
Beyond that, getting off to our own sexual fantasies tackles another negative effect that patriarchy can have on women’s sexuality.
“We’re socialized to think of ourselves as the objects of other people’s desires, like we need to borrow someone else’s idea of pleasure” said Wise. That’s why learning how to be the subject of our own desires, to embody the pleasure we conjure up in our own mind, can be so empowering.
Everyone with a brain, genitals, and desire is already equipped to masturbate to their own sexual fantasies. And while the practice does come more naturally to some, it only takes little guidance and patience to unlock the endless possibilities tucked inside your erotic mind.
Set the right environment
A major key in setting your mind up for erotic success is to ensure your environment allows your brain to feel fully relaxed, safe, and free from distraction.
Pick a time and place where you’ll have full privacy without needing to worry about any interruption, whether from roommates or notifications. For most people, that place will naturally be the bedroom. But put some effort into also making it a true fortress of sensual solitude, like by locking the door, setting your phone to airplane mode, putting on an eye mask, or maybe even using some essential oils and putting on your favorite sexy playlist.
Blair even recommends purposefully scheduling these more exploratory kind of session and making them habitual. So maybe it can be something you add to your nightly ritual before bed: Brush your teeth, do the skincare routine, put on some pajamas, then let your mind wander as you touch yourself.
Create a safe space in your mind
Of course, priming yourself with the right mindset is vital to unlocking your brain’s full fantasy potential.
One of the biggest hurdles to exploring our erotic imaginations is actually the engrained social shame many of us have picked up (even subconsciously) through sexism, homophobia, social stigmas, religion, etc.
“It’s important to know if that is coming up for you, you’re not alone. But there is no such thing as a wrong or right fantasy.” said Blair.
Treat your imagination as a judgement-free zone. To be fair, clearing or redirecting your mind away from feelings of shame is easier said than done. But certain exercises can help (which we’ll get into more in the mind-body connection section below).
Blair suggests that, while exploring sexual fantasies in your mind, try to distinguish between when you’re having a reaction versus a judgment to a certain scenario. Judgments often come from values imposed on you by something or someone else, while visceral reactions can be an indication that your mind wants to explore it further — especially if it’s something your never thought you’d be into.
It’s easy to get scared off by an intense response to a fantasy, and write that off as being too weird or outside the norm for your taste. But if you give yourself a second to assess where that response is coming from, you might actually find that the intensity comes from a part of you that you’ve never tried tapping into before.
“Everything is okay in the world of fantasy. No fantasy is a crime.”
Or maybe not, and that’s fine too. The point is, if you feel safe doing it, just try leaning into parts of your erotic mind that feel challenging and see where it goes.
“Everything is okay in the world of fantasy. No fantasy is a crime,” said Blair. “Whatever turns you on in your mind is totally healthy. Your fantasy doesn’t say anything about you except that you are lucky to have a rich imagination that you can use to have an exciting and enduring erotic life.”
That’s another major benefit of sexual fantasies versus traditional porn, too. You don’t have to worry about any ethical concerns, because your imagination can’t hurt you or anyone else. You’re in total control.
“You imagination is a completely safe space,” said Dipsea’s Gutierrez. “We can play out fantasies that are risky or illicit that we would never actually want to happen in real life. In our minds we’re free to experiment without consequences.”
Familiarize yourself with (but don’t feel limited by) common sexual fantasies
While the whole point is to tap into the unique potential of your own mind, a good jumping off point is to explore whether the most common sexual fantasies spark your interest. Researchers have labeled them into different categories, though there’s a world of possibilities within those labels as well.
Dr. Blair described these categories as multi-partner sex like group sex or threesomes; power, control, or rough sex; novelty, adventure, and variety; taboo and forbidden sex; partner sharing and non-monogamous relationships; passion and romance; and erotic flexibility like homoeroticism or gender-bending.
Jess O’Reilly is a sex educator, author of The New Sex Bible, and Astroglide’s resident sexologist. She explained that through each of these fantasy categories you can help identify the specific core erotic feelings that get you into a heightened state of arousal.
“Oftentimes, they relate to fantasy, escapism or subverting otherwise ‘negative’ emotions. You might find that sex is really hot when you feel powerful, submissive, challenged, mindful, or playful,” she said. “You may also find yourself aroused by feelings that you don’t naturally associate with pleasure, like jealousy, inadequacy, fear, and even humiliation can be exciting.”
What our brains often gravitate to most is pure novelty. What gets you off in a fantasy can actually be the total opposite of your real-life sexual orientation or even completely removed from you, as an abstract scenario happening to someone else entirely.
So don’t be weirded out if you learn that you’re as horny for that fish-god monster from The Shape of Water as the Academy Awards were in 2018. Or maybe you’re one of the many women who enjoys a rape fantasy — which, as Dr. Wise points out, in a fantasy context is the opposite of a real-life rape since, “you’re choosing to have the fantasy and who’s overpowering you. You’re in complete control.”
One other general rule of thumb Wise found is that while men tend toward more visually-oriented fantasies centered around preferred body parts, women tend to focus on overall scenarios. However, it’s impossible to distill the endless possibilities of human sexuality into neat categories. Which is why you also shouldn’t get discouraged or ashamed if none of these common fantasies do it for you.
“Our capacity for imagination is limitless,” said Wise. Don’t feel pressure to confine yours to a specific label.
Start building your erotic imagination through fiction, porn, memories… anything!
The truth is that, while other obstacles might make it hard initially to give yourself permission to explore sexual fantasies, using your imagination is a very natural and innate part of being human. Who doesn’t fantasizing about getting up from their desk in the middle of a hard work day and quitting, or spend time daydreaming about how they’d furnish their dream apartment?
“We make Pinterest boards and save Instagram photos, collect and catalog all these things that we like. I recommend starting to do that for your sex life,” said Gutierrez. “Become more mindful observing what attracts you to someone. The moments where you feel sexiest. What you want to say out loud during sex but hesitate to. Then the next time you want to use your fantasy for pleasure, you know exactly where to draw from.”
Everything in your life can become part of your horny mood board.
Everything in your life can become part of your horny mood board.
We all have that one fictional character or public figure — whether from books, tv, movies, video games, or even politics and the internet — that just does it for us. Begin there, expanding into a specific sexy scene that got you going or whatever comes to mind when you think of that person. Heck, maybe you’re like me and realize that a silky, authoritative voice is actually your kink, leading a bunch of non-erotic popular podcasts to become your go-to spank bank material.
Audio erotica can be a great place to start if you don’t want to take the training wheels off yet to explore sexual fantasies of your own making. Unlike visual porn, audio erotica still exercises the muscles of your erotic imagination, asking you to fill in the details and paint the full picture. While we always recommend Dipsea, there’s also plenty of free ways to try audio erotica like r/gonewildaudio and Girl on the Net.
Once you’re ready to bring yourself more to the forefront of the fantasy, begin with a memory of the hottest, most visceral sex you’ve ever had. Really ground yourself back in that moment by recalling your senses: What position were you in? What did the person’s lust feel like? Were you sweating? How exactly did they touch you?
Touch yourself while pulling from all the erotic mental material you’ve curated, and don’t be afraid to really get your whole body involved in mimicking the sensations you’re creating through your mind. Maybe that means masturbating while you’re on all fours, or matching the tempo of the fantasy, or even dry-humping a pillow. Don’t put any pressure on yourself to orgasm throughout any of this, though, and instead just zero in on embodying the experience of your imagination.
“It’s about giving yourself full permission to explore all our internal pleasure places, and how we experience them in both our minds and bodies at the same time,” said Wise.
Try these exercises to strengthen your mind-body connection
Through her research and other studies in the field, Wise has ultimately found that, “This distinction we make between the mind and body is really a very arbitrary one.”
One of the best ways to embrace this in a way that engages your erotic fantasy life in is through something called mindful sex.
This increasingly popular branch of sex therapy describes a bunch of different practices and exercises that add a layer of sexuality to mindfulness, to help you stay present in your body while experiencing pleasure, train your mind to focus on whatever arouses you, and engage in a non-judgmental curious sexual mindset. Try out basic exercises like pleasure mapping (which Dipsea has a guide for), mindful masturbation (which you can read about here), and sensate focus (which you can read about here).
Wise also suggests a very simple exercise for getting your imagination more connected with your genitals on a neurological level: Just start by tapping or pleasurably touching your genitals, then stop, then think back on the sensations you felt while touching them. Try to recall and summon them back in your body: What did it feel like in your body when the stimulation was building, then dissipating?
At first, it might not feel like much at all and the pleasure may be pretty mild compared to what you’re used to while using more immediate erotic visual aids like porn.
“But you’ll slowly start to develop a better connection to that pleasure sensation channel in your brain,” she said.
Use your imagination during partnered sex
While sexual fantasies are a great way to enhance self-love, learning how to engage with them during partnered sex can also do wonders to get people over the edge and into orgasm.
At this point though, you might be wondering: Is it even OK to fantasize about other situations — or maybe even other people — while having sex with a partner?
“It doesn’t matter where you get your appetite, as long as you’d come home to eat.”
“Yes, it’s an unequivocal yes! Because thinking about stuff is not the same as doing it,” said Wise. As the famous saying goes, “It doesn’t matter where you get your appetite, as long as you’d come home to eat.”
It’s totally normal for your mind to desire novelty, especially if you’re not in a new relationship anymore. In fact, Wise found that one of the best ways to ensure a couples’ longevity is precisely this kind of openness and understanding that people need to fuel their erotic imagination with new stuff.
“If we can get over these kind of hang ups, get past this fear of our partners having a fantasy about somebody else while they’re with us, and instead use it as an opportunity talk about: What would you like? What haven’t we tried? What are you afraid to tell me? Because that’s hot. That’s really hot,” said Wise.
Or maybe instead of thinking about someone else, you’d simply rather use your imagination during partnered sex to transport you both to a setting or scenario that heightens your arousal even more.
In the end, what you do with your erotic imagination is up to you. You can share it if you’d like — or keep it all to yourself. That’s what’s so great about sexual fantasies you cut from your own cloth: They’re all yours, and no one else’s.
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