When telling your partner about a particular kink or fetish you have, here’s some pretty solid advice: “Don’t sit them down to tell them you’ve ordered vampire gloves and a fuck cage and that you want them to use them on you.”
At least, that’s what Lucy* recommends, who believes that it’s better to start small. BDSM is a spectrum, after all. Lucy’s kink is rough sex (but “only with the right man”) and being dominated. Before vocally broaching this with existing partners, Lucy tends to hint at these desires during sex. “If you like your hair pulled, or think you’d like it, make lots of noise of pleasure if they put their hands in your hair,” she suggests. “Give your partner confidence; tell them what’s amazing with your voice, sounds, body, and reactions.”
She’s also into shibari, a form of rope bondage that centres on visual aesthetics, but usually brings this up a little later – and eases them in. “I explain how liberating and freeing I find being tied up,” says Lucy. “I use life-drawing classes as my comparison, and show them pictures of me clothed in a non-sexual dynamic with my rigger.”
Although new partners tend to figure out their shared politics, values, and relationship goals early on, for many, discussions about sexual desires tend to come later – if at all. Combine this with the fact that many non-‘traditional’ sexual practices still remain taboo, and suddenly, being honest with your partner about your desires can feel like a daunting task.
“Telling a partner about a fetish can be like sharing a secret,” says Judith Langer, a sexologist who works at the sex-positive community JOYclub. “We make ourselves vulnerable, and that requires courage. This might be the first time you have openly spoken about your kink, it might be less common, you may even be unsure of your own feelings, and you might be uncertain about how your partner will react. All of these factors can understandably cause anxiety.”
Still, that doesn’t mean you should shy away from sharing the secret – after all, vulnerability can make for a stronger relationship and a more intimate sex life. Plus, your partner may share your desire and it’ll be another way you connect. Or, they might not; but that doesn’t mean they’ll react badly, nor that the two of you are destined to be sexually incompatible.
Before you talk to your partner about a kink (something that increases your pleasure, but isn’t essential) or fetish (something that you need for arousal and pleasure), you might want to explore kink for yourself first, especially if it’s new to you. This can involve watching different types of porn, exploring materials, smells, sounds, or aesthetics that you find pleasurable, learning about the kink via podcasts, articles, talks, or classes, and experimenting with solo play. “Doing a little bit of this on your own can better equip you for having conversations with a partner,” says Sophia Rose, a London-based facilitator, educator, and artist working with consent, rope bondage, kink, and sexuality. “Consent and getting in touch with our limits and boundaries starts with ourselves.”
There’s no right way to then share this interest with your partner, and the way you approach it will depend on your relationship to them, your sexual history, whether you’re sharing a kink or a fetish, and what type of kink or fetish it is. Having said that, there are some general tips that are worth considering.
Don’t worry if your first time isn’t perfect “It’s not helpful to think of sex as having one big ‘first time’. You’ll probably have lots of first times,” says Milly Evans, author of Honest: Everything They Don’t Tell You About Sex, Relationships and Bodies Instead, she advises breaking it down into all the individual firsts you might have – “your first time having oral sex, penetrative sex, using hands or using toys”. Even if you experience all of these with one person, there will be a whole new set of firsts to explore with a different partner.
Communication is the thing that matters most This holds true whatever age you are, according to Clover Stroud, author of My Wild and Sleepless Nights “Communicating clearly about desire, or how you like to be touched or treated, isn’t easy. I wish I’d known how much sex improves as you get older and become more confident about what you like and how to communicate those needs.”
Being ready to have sex is more than just a feeling
“It’s about lots of practical and emotional things too,” says Evans. “Does the idea of having sex make you excited or anxious? Do you know enough about contraception, STIs and consent? Do you know where to access support if something doesn’t go to plan? Would you have to drink alcohol in order to feel confident enough to have sex? Is there a safe place for you to have sex? Safety, comfort and wellbeing are essential.” If you can’t answer all of these questions positively, you probably aren’t ready.
Think about what you want ahead of time “Reflecting can help you feel more prepared and in control,” says Evans. “Take a look at boundaries around things like touch, communication and time. Ask yourself if the relationships or sex depicted on TV, in books or on social media are what you’d like from your own. And remember that sex is something that happens with you, not to you – speak up about what you want, and encourage partners to do the same.”
Switch off negativity “As you’re looking at movies or television or porn, or magazines or music videos or social media, ask yourself, ‘After I see this, am I going to feel better about my body as it is today, or worse?’” says sex educator Emily Nagoski, in her book Come As You Are. “If the answer is ‘worse’, stop buying or watching those things.” This is especially important where porn is concerned.
As the recent report from the children’s commissioner for England, Rachel de Souza, has highlighted, the increasingly abusive, aggressive behaviour depicted on many mainstream porn sites is normalising sexual violence and exploitation among teenagers, affecting their mental health and undermining their ability to develop healthy sexual relationships.
You have the right to change your mind
“Don’t feel pressure to do something sexually that you’re not comfortable with,” advises psychotherapist Silva Neves, author of Sexology: The Basics. “You can always say ‘no’ or ‘pause’, or say ‘no’ after you’ve said ‘yes’.”
Age 25-35
It’s good to simmer
“The happiest erotic couples make a point of enjoying feeling aroused together for its own sake – even on days when sex isn’t on the menu,” says US sex therapist Stephen Snyder, author of Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship. “In sex therapy we call this simmering. It’s what teenage couples do whenever they get a moment’s privacy. Quick, intimate bodily contact, fully clothed – just enough to get you slightly buzzed.”
Penetrative sex isn’t the gold standard (nor, for that matter, is simultaneous orgasm) Many of what we have come to perceive as cultural markers of sexual excellence are spurious ideas that are now being refuted by science – and more honest, open debate around the subject. Such ingrained cultural beliefs are worth challenging. Do what works for you rather than what society tells you ought to work for you. For example, says Neves: “Many gay men don’t have anal sex at all, but prefer oral sex and intimate touching. Similarly, many women have very good sex without penis-in-vagina sex.”
You need to set the right conditions for sex Context is everything, explains Nagoski. If you’re feeling relaxed, loved and fully present (as opposed to, say, worrying about an email you need to send, an argument you’ve just had, or whether the children might walk in on you) you’re likely to have better sex. If you’re not, it doesn’t matter how sexy your partner is, how much you love them, how fancy your underwear is or how many candles you light – almost nothing will activate that desire. Nor is it about what you do with your partner, which body parts go where, or how often, or for how long. It’s about sharing sensation in the context of profound trust and connection, and recognising the difference between what great sex is really like and what most of us expect great sex to be like.
You don’t have to have sex at all “Gen Z are having less sex than millennials, who have less sex than older generations. This is often treated as a bad thing, but it might reflect more self-awareness in a hypersexual society,” says Aimée Lutkin, author of The Lonely Hunter: How Our Search for Love Is Broken. “Think about what you want out of sex and be honest about whether it is the thing you are really seeking. Is it intimacy? Community? Distraction? If it is sex, that’s great. The more in touch you are with your needs, the more likely it is you’ll make the connections you want to.”
Commitment and monogamy can be exciting “In my teens and 20s, I thought good sex was about physical desire,” says Stroud, “but in my 30s I realised that feeling psychologically ‘seen’ by another, and trusting them implicitly, is where good sex starts. Then you learn to take huge risks with them too. At that point, commitment and monogamy get really exciting.”
Age 35-45
It’s normal for sex to drop off the list of priorities “When you have a new baby or you’re caring for an elderly parent, overwhelmed with work or coping with some other form of stress, sex won’t be top of the agenda (though for some it will be a useful stress reliever),” writes Nagoski. “Don’t panic about it. It’s a phase you’ll pass through when you’ve managed the stress, and you’ll find your way back to the other side.”
Have a six-second kiss “Greet one another at the end of the day with a kiss that lasts at least six seconds, or a hug that lasts at least 20 seconds. That guarantees you will both produce the hormone of emotional bonding, oxytocin,” says relationships expert John Gottman, co-author of The Seven-Day Love Prescription.
Make sex a priority “Don’t make lovemaking the very last item on a long to-do list,” says Gottman. “Make it a real priority. Go on an overnight romantic date at a local B&B, or farther afield, at least four times a year.”
Don’t try to second-guess what your partner will enjoy Whether you’re trying to sustain sexual satisfaction in a long-term relationship or wondering why a new partner isn’t responding to your usual moves the way a previous one did, the key is to be really honest about what works (or doesn’t) for you, instead of expecting your partner to guess. “About a quarter of women orgasm reliably with intercourse,” writes Nagoski. “The other 75% sometimes, rarely or never do, but might orgasm through manual sex, oral sex, vibrators, breast stimulation, toe sucking or pretty much any way you can imagine. They’re all healthy and normal. Similarly, a woman can be perfectly normal and experience arousal nonconcordance, where the behaviour of her genitals (being wet or dry) may not match her mental experience (feeling turned on or not).”
Have sex with yourself
Whatever age you are, “masturbation can be a great way to explore your body and fantasies”, says Evans. “Spend time creating your own storylines and find out what turns you on. You can also explore a whole world of visual, written and audio erotic content – but make sure it’s ethical (ie it is consensual, treats performers with respect, and pays performers and makers fairly). Audio erotica, in particular, has become more mainstream, especially among those who aren’t into visual porn, enjoy bringing their imagination into solo sex or want to try something new.” Two of the best-known platforms are Quinn and Dipsea, but it’s a fast-growing market.
Mothers are allowed to enjoy sex, too “It is a complicated balance, being both a mother and a sexual being,” says Lucy Roeber, editor of the Erotic Review, which relaunches later this year. “In our society, we sometimes expect women who give birth to pass through a door into an idealised state of maternal preoccupation without a backward glance. Yet they have the same messy lusts and cravings. My advice is: don’t strive to be too perfect a mother and don’t deny yourself pleasure. It is surprisingly easy for women to accidentally put their sexual being to one side while they work on motherhood. Yet the two can and should work together. After all, in most cases, it was sex that started the process of parenthood in the first place.”
Age 45-55
To cuddle or not to cuddle? Snyder says that “cuddling tends to deplete a couple’s erotic energy. If you like to cuddle together while watching TV, then be sure to ‘simmer’ [see above] during the ad breaks.” Gottman, however, advises “a daily cuddling ritual for watching films and TV shows at home where you actually stay physically in touch with one another. On one of these nights offer to give your partner a 15-minute massage.”
Don’t wait for desire to strike – practise creating it “Too many couples only have sex when they feel desire,” says Snyder. “That’s fine when you’re 20. But by 50 most people are more interested in a good night’s sleep. What to do? Have sex anyway.” Nagoski agrees that pleasure matters more than desire. She says: “Create a context that allows your brain to interpret the world as a safe, fun, sexy, pleasurable place. It’s called responsive desire and it asks that your partner help you in creating good reasons for you to be turned on. While some people have a spontaneous desire style (they want sex out of the blue); others have a responsive desire style (they want sex only when something pleasurable is already happening). The rest, about half of women, experience some combination of the two.”
Embrace body confidence “I’ve found that being in my 40s is entirely liberating. We get better as we shed the self-consciousness of youth, the desire to please, the emotional pliability. I love my body. It is the map of the years I’ve lived,” says Roeber. Nagoski questions wider sex-negative culture. “If you’ve learned to associate sexual arousal with stress, shame, disgust and guilt, you won’t have as good a sex life as someone who associates it with pleasure, confidence, joy and satisfaction,” she says. “Begin to recognise when your learned disgust response is interfering with your sexual pleasure. Your genitals and your partners’, your genital fluids and your partners’, your skin and sweat, and the fragrances of your body – these are all healthy elements of human sexual experience.”
Manage the menopause Hormonal changes during the menopause and perimenopause can trigger a host of symptoms (low libido, fatigue, low mood, vaginal inflammation or dryness) that do not make a recipe for romance, according to Dr Louise Newson, GP, menopause specialist and founder of the Balance app. “If you notice any of these changes, see a healthcare professional for a proper diagnosis and to discuss treatment options.” Don’t assume these issues will only start in your late 40s, either. “Though the average age of menopause is 51, one in 100 women will go through menopause before the age of 40. Even if you have an ‘average’ menopause, the perimenopause often starts in your early 40s.”
Have a sex date “Set a date to meet naked in bed to do absolutely nothing at all,” advises Snyder. “Talk, if you like, but this isn’t the time for deep conversation. Instead, focus on experiencing what’s going on in your body at that moment. Time is an endless string of such moments. Pay attention to a few of them. That’s often the best preparation for good lovemaking afterwards.”
Learn how to reconnect “It can be hard to connect to someone intimately if you don’t feel connected to them emotionally. Launching into ‘You don’t make me come any more’ or ‘You never want sex and I feel rejected’ will put your partner on the defence,” says Ammanda Major, head of service quality and clinical practice at Relate. “Saying, ‘I’ve noticed we seem to have drifted a bit on this and I’m really hoping we might talk about it’ is gentler. You’re not making assumptions about what your partner might be feeling, but you are showing that you’re interested in what they have to say about it. Once you’ve got those things in place, you can have a conversation about how to deal with it.”
You’re never too old to experiment “We have one body, but it can experience so many different forms of pleasure, especially when we open our minds. The more we accept the lie that our lives are over at 40, the more we are just cutting ourselves off from possibility,” says Lutkin. Newson agrees: “Your 50s and 60s can be a time of sexual liberation when your children may have flown the nest or you may be back on the dating scene after the end of a relationship. Many of my patients tell me that HRT and testosterone have given them a new lease of life. Make sure you are using lubricants [see below] and toys that are safe. These can ease discomfort and make sex more enjoyable, but many brands of lubricant contain irritants like glycerine and parabens, and should be avoided.”
Age 55-65
Focusing on sex drive is a wrong turn
So often we use the catch-all phrase “sex drive” to describe our enthusiasm for, or lack of interest in, sexual activity. In reality the process is more complicated than whether you’re feeling in the mood or not. “Your brain has a sexual ‘accelerator’ that responds to ‘sex-related’ stimulation: anything your brain has learned to associate with sexual arousal,” says Nagoski. “It also has sexual ‘brakes’ that respond to anything your brain interprets as a reason not to be turned on. Constantly monitoring for footsteps in the hallway? Have sex when no one else is home. Tired? Have a nap. Icked out by grit on the sheets? Change them. Cold feet? Put on socks. Sometimes it really is this simple.”
Follow the recipe for romance
While everyone’s particular sexual preferences may differ, studies suggest there are some commonalities among couples who claim to have great sex lives. “From the largest study ever done on what makes for great sex, the Normal Bar study, as well as our own studies, there are a baker’s dozen suggestions that set apart people who say they have a great sex life from people who complain that their sex life is awful,” says Gottman. “Things that work include kissing passionately, giving each other surprise romantic gifts, talking comfortably about their sex life and having weekly romantic dates.”
Manage dryness “One symptom affecting a healthy sex life that should be on every woman’s radar is vaginal dryness,” says Newson. “You might also experience soreness, itching, irritation, painful sex, vulval changes and UTIs. It can be hugely distressing – I’ve treated women who have been in so much discomfort they can’t put on a pair of trousers or even sit down, let alone have intercourse. But it can be managed by using vaginal oestrogen or HRT and avoiding tight-fitting clothing. You should also avoid perfumed soaps and shower gels or intimate-hygiene washes.”
Find out what you like as a couple and make it happen Monogamy is sometimes framed as the death knell of erotic connection, but, says Nagoski, this is a red herring. “Passion doesn’t happen automatically in a long-term, monogamous relationship. But it does happen if the couple takes deliberate control of the context,” she says. So find out what is pleasurable for you as a couple and spend time creating the context that leads to it. Often, but not always, we fall into one of two categories – those who need space from a partner in order to create spontaneous desire and those for whom great sex tends to happen when it’s preceded by affection and intimacy.
Don’t take things for granted People often get stuck in familiar routines in the bedroom but, whether you’re with a long-term partner or starting a new relationship, it’s important to check in now and then and ask whether your usual approach is working. “If something doesn’t feel quite right, it’s important to be able to talk about it honestly and caringly,” says Major.
Age 65-plus
Don’t rush things “If you’ve been in a partnership for many years that has now ended, you may want to get out there and meet people,” says Major. “But if something doesn’t feel right, it isn’t. Whether you’re 18 or 58, having sex is something to do when you feel confident that there is a degree of trust. New partners may have different expectations from you and different experiences. That’s potentially two very different sets of boundaries.”
Make the wellness connection Older generations sometimes see sex as a taboo subject. If that’s the case for you, try reframing sexual wellbeing as one component of your wider physical and mental wellbeing. Whether you’re eager to discover positions that are easier on arthritic joints or prefer the closeness of a cuddle, maintaining intimacy can significantly boost overall wellness. Conversely, good health habits can improve our sexual wellbeing, particularly as the effects of ageing start to kick in. “Not drinking too much, eating sensibly and exercising regularly can all have a beneficial impact on our sex lives,” says Major.
Seek medical help when needed Many older couples say erectile dysfunction medications make sex less anxiety-provoking, says Snyder, just as a lubricant can help some women. “Sex and worrying don’t go well together. As a sex therapist, I’m always happy when a couple has one less thing to worry about.” Major agrees: “Issues like erectile capacity and vaginal dryness need not rule out a satisfying sexual connection. But seeking medical help where needed is important – lumps, bumps, weird bleeding and poor erectile capacity can be symptomatic of health issues. And with the number of STIs in the over-65s having significantly increased as people move out of long-term relationships and start new ones, it’s important to get checked out.”
Strive for connection “Being able to share intimacy with a partner, as opposed to just wanting intimacy for yourself, is vital,” says Major. “Your level of energy or physical connection might be quite constrained, but it’s very possible through gentle touch, words or kindness to maintain that core intimacy. For some couples, the physicality of sex becomes unimportant in later life, but what they have is a deep emotional connection – an ability to talk honestly and openly and caringly with one another.”
Welcome your sexuality “The most important thing you can do to have a great sex life is to welcome your sexuality as it is, right now,” says Nagoski, “even if it’s not what you wanted or expected it to be.”
If you’ve ever heard someone say their sex life is subpar, chances are a lack of foreplay is on their list of complaints. This gripe is so common that most of us treat it as fact — consistently skipping foreplay leads to consistently disappointing sex.
What we rarely talk about, however, is what comes after sex, and it’s arguably even more critical than foreplay. The way we behave post-intercourse affects our sexual health, how we feel, how we value ourselves, and how we view sex.
What is Sexual Aftercare?
Just as foreplay deals with the way we treat each other before sex, aftercare is about how we treat each other when sex is over. It encompasses a wide range of activities that involve your body and mind.
Hygiene and Self-Care
You’ve heard it before, and you’ll hear it again: pee after sex! This is the easiest and most common example of postcoital hygienic self-care. Peeing after sex can help prevent infections or irritation in your genitals.
Do you or your partner take any medications? Setting the alarm or reminding each other to take them after sex, if needed, is aftercare. Anything that promotes your overall health and comfort is usually a good idea, such as a glass of water or a hot shower.
A hot cup of tea or a greasy order of takeout can help your bodied replenish nutrients. If you’re the kind of person who’s very active during sex, you may want to soothe your muscles by stretching, trading massages with your partner, or simply cuddling together for a while.
You might be noticing a theme here; aftercare is about you and your partner taking care of each other. It doesn’t matter if it’s casual sex, a new relationship, or your spouse of many years; your experience will always be more positive when you express intimacy and care, even if you don’t plan on staying together.
Intimacy and Emotional Well-Being
The human mind is an enigma, so it’s never easy to tell what your partner – or even yourself – needs after sex. Some of us naturally want distance, while others want to be closer. Some need the validation of physical touch and conversation, while others feel overwhelmed by intimacy and just need to spend ten minutes alone on their phone.
As long as it doesn’t hurt your partner, there’s no wrong answer; that’s why communication is so important. If you’ve been with your partner a while, they might already know what you need after sex and be ready to provide. If they’re a newer partner, you may need to learn what they need while expressing what you need.
So tell them and ask them what. It’s okay to say that you want to cuddle or that you need space. It’s okay to balance your needs with theirs. At some point, most of us will experience Post-Coital Dysphoria (PCD), which hits us with a tide of sadness, irritability, or even tears after sex. If this happens, it’s okay! Let your partner know what’s going on and that it’s not their fault. If they’re experiencing PCD, let them know it’s okay and ask what they need.
Most of all, though, be cognizant and considerate of both your emotions. Treat each other as attentively and kindly as you did before sex.
Why Aftercare Matters
Whether we like it or not, sex is an experience that triggers some kind of emotion and connection in most of us. Even the partners who run for the door when it’s over aren’t necessarily feeling nothing; rather, they’re cautious about what they might feel.
That’s okay, and to each their own, but sex is inherently intimate. When we treat each other with care and consideration after sex, we build on that intimacy. In a relationship, this brings two people closer together and positively associates sex with feelings of nurture and love.
Even after casual sex, good aftercare reaffirms both partners’ inherent value as people. In simpler terms, it reminds us that we deserve to be treated well even when no one wants something from us. This not only boosts our self-esteem but it reinforces positive behaviors that make us better lovers and better people.
On the other hand, ditching aftercare can make both partners feel the opposite. It’s common for people who neglect aftercare to feel used, and their self-esteem might take a hit too. In long-term relationships, this can give one or both partners negative feelings toward sex. This, in turn, might make them lose interest in sex, which often causes other problems in a relationship.
In terms of hygiene, people who don’t pee or clean themselves after sex are more likely to suffer from infections or deal with irritation in or around their genitals. No one wants that.
So why is aftercare so important? It keeps your body healthy and your sexual experience positive. In a relationship, it enhances your intimacy and, in any scenario, it reminds you that as a human in any situation, your partner is worth taking care of — and so are you.
Imagine Sarah and John have been in a monogamous relationship for five years. Although they love each other, Sarah, who is bisexual, has recently started feeling an attraction to her coworker, Andrea. This has led to several sexual encounters, leaving Sarah feeling guilty. However, she has not talked to John about her feelings or experiences with Andrea.
No matter how much you love your partner, it’s common to feel attracted to someone outside of a relationship. Some couples may even want sexual encounters with other people. It can be difficult to navigate these feelings, especially when they conflict with the commitment and promises made in the relationship. While the sex between Sarah and Andrea was consensual, Sarah engaged in non-consensual sex by stepping outside of her monogamous relationship without John’s consent.
There is growing curiosity about ethical or consensual non-monogamous relationships, particularly among young people. YouGov data found that 43% of millennial Americans say their ideal relationship is non-monogamous, even if few are in such a relationship. And a survey commissioned by sex toy brand Lelo, found that 28% of aged 18 to 24 would consider an open relationship.
What makes non-monogamy “ethical” is an emphasis on agreed, ongoing consent and mutual respect. All parties involved are fully aware of the situation and voluntarily agree to participate. Partners are free to change their minds at any time and (re)negotiate boundaries that work for everyone involved. Ethical non-monogamy can take many forms, including polyamory, open relationships and swinging.
These relationships are often stigmatised and misunderstood. They challenge the traditional notion of monogamy, which is commonly viewed in most western and religious societies as the only acceptable way of engaging in romantic relationships.
Yet research has shown that consensual non-monogamy can have positive effects on relationships and the people in them. People in consensual non-monogamous relationships have reported higher levels of sexual and relationship satisfaction and greater relational intimacy than people in monogamous relationships.
Misconceptions and stigma
One stigmatising view is that people in non-monogamous relationships pose a greater risk to their partners’ sexual health. This is based on the assumption that having multiple sexual partners increases the likelihood of sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
However, research shows that people in open and non-monogamous relationships have safer sex practices than monogamous, but unfaithful partners. Ethical non-monogamy can be a safer outlet for sexual expression compared with monogamous relationships that have led to cheating where someone ends up passing an STI to their partner.
In healthy relationships, partners recognise that each person has their own unique sexual preferences and diverse needs. For consensually non-monogamous partners, this means understanding that their primary relationship may not always fulfil all their sexual desires.
Although jealousy can still exist within non-monogamous relationships, research has found that it can be more manageable than in monogamous ones. This is because, in secure non-monogamous partnerships, there are open discussions about sexual attraction and setting boundaries, where partners can address jealousy anxiety.
Exploring non-monogamy
Ethical non-monogamy is not for everyone. You should only explore this type of relationship if it feels comfortable, you seek appropriate consent and the existing relationship is solid. Outsiders often hold the stereotypical view that people only engage in ENM if their current relationship is unstable.
If you decide that it’s right for you, keep the following in mind.
1. Communicate openly
Communication is important in any relationship, but especially critical in ENM relationships. Partners must be transparent and honest about their intentions, feelings, expectations and boundaries. People in non-monogamous relationships need to be aware of their emotional boundaries and be prepared to navigate feelings of jealousy.
2. Practice safe sex
Sexual health is key regardless of your relationship status or style. Get tested regularly for STIs and to use protection during sexual encounters to minimise the risk of transmission.
3. Stop shame
Managing stigma is one of the most difficult parts of an ENM relationship. When people are socialised to believe that having multiple partners is wrong or immoral, this can lead to feelings of shame and self-doubt. It is important to recognise that consensually non-monogamous and multipartnered relationships are a valid lifestyle choice. You can seek support from like-minded people or talk to a sex and relationship therapist if necessary.
While non-monogamy is not everyone’s cup of tea, these tips can be helpful for any relationship. Ultimately, it is essential to keep communication, consent and respect at the heart of your partnership.
Sex is a fundamental part of a healthy, intimate relationship. It’s where people display their love and affection for each other in a physically intimate way. But what happens when the sex isn’t great? When one spouse isn’t feeling satisfied or is left underwhelmed? It can be a tough topic to bring up but good sex it’s crucial for any relationship to work. Here are some ways you can talk to your spouse about the intimacy not satisfying your needs while maintaining open and honest communication.
Figure Out What’s Missing
The first step is to identify what specifically isn’t working for you. Is it a lack of emotional connection, intimacy, or physical pleasure? By figuring out what isn’t working, you can approach the conversation with your spouse clearly and confidently.
Be Direct but Tactful
Confronting your partner about subpar sex can be uncomfortable for both parties, but it’s essential to address the issue head-on if you’re not satisfied. In order to do so tactfully, without attacking or blaming your partner, it is best to use “I” statements. In a problem-solving context, “I” statements are a non-judgmental way to frame the conversation. For example, “I don’t feel satisfied sexually” or “I would like us to be more intimate.” By using “I” statements like “I notice we aren’t connecting as well as we used to in the bedroom, and I wonder how we can make things better,” the conversation can be framed as a problem-solving exercise rather than something to be ashamed of. In this way, you avoid blame and your partner is able to understand the impact of their actions on you.
Use Positive Reinforcement
Positive reinforcement can go a long way in boosting your sexual connection with your partner. Instead of focusing on what’s not working, focus on what is. Give your partner specific examples of things they do that you enjoy and ask them to do more of that. For example, “I love when you touch me like that, and it really turns me on. Can we do more of that next time?” Positive reinforcement is a great way to build your partner’s confidence in the bedroom and motivate them to keep trying new things.
Talk About Your Needs and Desires
Another way to broach the subject of unsatisfying sex is to talk about your needs and desires. Often, couples struggle to communicate openly about what they want in bed, which can lead to disappointment and frustration. Make sure to communicate your needs clearly and listen to your partner’s needs as well. Understanding your partner’s desires and preferences can help you both achieve greater sexual satisfaction. Find out what arouses your partner and work on fulfilling that longing desire.
Offer Solutions
If you’re in a sexual rut, trying new things together can be a great way to reignite the flame. Come up with suggestions to add spice to your sex life. Share your fantasies with each other, and brainstorm ways to make them a reality. Whether it’s exploring new positions or experimenting with toys, introducing new elements into your sex life can be a fun, exciting way to deepen your connection with your partner. Ask your partner to suggest new ways you can both enjoy sex more. If you can’t get to a solution, consider seeing a sex therapist for guidance.
Seek Professional Help if Necessary
If you’ve tried everything and still can’t seem to get your sexual connection back on track, seeking professional help could be an option worth considering. A sex therapist can provide unbiased, expert advice on how to improve your sex life and help you and your partner overcome any obstacles that may be hindering your connection. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help — sometimes, a fresh, professional perspective is all you need to get your sexual relationship back on track.
Intimacy is an essential part of a relationship, and if it’s not adequately addressed, it can affect the bond between partners. Talking to your spouse may be daunting, but it’s essential to approach it with love and respect while highlighting your needs and concerns. Be prepared to listen and offer solutions that work for both of you. Remember that it’s a journey towards better intimacy and emotional bonding. And if the conversation doesn’t go as planned, it’s perfectly okay to ask for guidance from a therapist. The most crucial thing after the conversation is to keep the lines of communication open. Don’t let the conversation be a one-time event, but rather a starting point for a regular conversation and improvement of your intimacy.
The first time Isabel and her husband did MDMA together, they were at Burning Man, just a couple of weeks before their wedding. It was a profound experience.
“It was like being seen for the first time for who we really were because it allows you to be super vulnerable and allows you to share these deep parts of yourself without fear of being judged,” said Isabel.
“I felt like we got married out there.”
She and her husband Joseph, both physicians in their 40s who live in British Columbia, have been together for 15 years. VICE News has changed their names to protect their privacy because MDMA is illegal. They don’t use drugs often—the Burning Man trip, 11 years ago, was Joseph’s first time taking MDMA. These days their trips look pretty different from a festival. Once a year, they get a babysitter for their two kids, rent a room at a resort and take the psychedelic to work through conflicts in their relationships.
“We wind up spending a night and just pushing through about six months worth of marriage crap all at once,” Joseph said. “You’re just kind of a different couple on the other side of it. It’s very interesting.”
Because of Isabel’s training in using both ketamine and MDMA for therapeutic reasons, the couple generally trips on their own while going through their issues. But they’ve also had a guided trip with an underground therapist who serves people under the influence of psychedelics. They’re part of a growing number of couples who are adding psychedelics to their couples’ therapy experiences.
Psychedelics are having a renaissance, with substances like ketamine, psilocybin (the active ingredient in magic mushrooms), and MDMA being studied and used to treat issues like depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, drug addiction, and end-of-life anxiety. While MDMA remains illegal in the U.S. and Canada, last year the nonprofit group Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies (MAPS) completed a second phase-three trial on using the drug as PTSD treatment and is expecting the Food and Drug Administration to evaluate its findings in 2023, potentially approving it for people with the disorder. In the meantime, MAPS and other groups already offer training in psychedelic-assisted therapy, while some therapists are already adding ketamine to their services because it’s legal. Others are offering discreet therapy sessions using illegal drugs. And both underground and above ground practitioners told VICE News demand is growing among couples who think psychedelics could help them take on their issues.
“I tell my couples, ‘Look, this is not a magic pill. It’s an assist.’ And I would say that if they’re willing to do the work, it expedites forgiveness,” said Jayne Gumpel, a Woodstock, New York-based clinical social worker who has treated around 150 couples using ketamine.
Some of them have recommitted to each other after being on the brink of divorce, she said.
Gumpel also offers group retreats for couples; private sessions run for $200 an hour, while four-day retreats are $1,850 a person on a sliding scale. She said people often choose partners who provoke their defences or trigger trauma for their childhood, but they don’t necessarily realize it. While using ketamine, she said people’s defences are lowered and they’re less attached to the idea that their side of the story is correct.
“When the person who’s listening learns how to hold that space and not get reactive…what happens is the person who’s sharing their frustration about messiness starts to talk about their childhood when their mother was alcoholic and the house was a mess and they took it upon themselves to have to be the one to keep things organized. And that’s how she felt safe,” Gumpel explained. “All of a sudden, the partner who feels ragged on because he’s sloppy has empathy for the person who’s complaining to him about it.
“It’s like a magical moment when they’re now understanding they have consciousness of this pattern they’re stuck in,” she added.
Recently, Isabel said she and Joseph had a similar revelation, where she told him about “something really horrible” that happened to her as a child.
“It was one of those moments in the relationship where you’re like, ‘Oh, that explains 40 percent of what I’ve been wondering about you for 15 years,” Joseph said, adding that it gave context to questions he had about her relationship with her family. During other sessions, they’ve cried, and even vomited.
Dr. Reid Robison, chief clinical officer at Numinus, a mental health care company that provides ketamine-assisted therapy to couples in the U.S. and Canada, said having one partner supporting the other as they work through trauma can be a powerful bonding experience.
“We can identify the barriers that we have to love in ourselves, and then we can just do it so much more freely in our partnership.” Numinus charges around $300 for dosing sessions, but typically a person also has integration sessions afterwards to talk about what they learned.
Robison said whether a person is using MDMA or ketamine, the drugs help people in “turning towards each other” instead of turning away. He’s even seen it work with people going through a divorce, helping them to get over old wounds so that they can co-parent better.
Isabel and Joseph have put up signs in their home that say “turn towards”—gentle reminders that they’ve put in place to integrate the lessons they’ve learned while on MDMA. She said they’ve managed to break a pattern where she would complain about something, and he would withdraw, causing her to also pull away.
Both of them said doing MDMA, which boosts a person’s levels of dopamine and serotonin (neurotransmitters that impact pleasure and sexual desire), has also greatly improved their sex life.
“We had a good sex life, but now we have an amazing sex life,” Isabel said, noting they’ll typically put in five hours of work on their relationship before having sex during one of their resort stays. “It really allowed us to explore breathing together and doing all these like deepening, like soul connection things.”
Joseph said he considers MDMA a medicine, not a drug, and that it should be legally available to people. In fact, it was legal and used for couples therapy in the 1970s and 1980s, before being designated a Schedule I drug in 1985, meaning the government determined it had no medical use and a high potential for abuse. Early reports found that it was useful in navigating relationship issues and communication.
Depending on what happens with the FDA’s evaluation of MAPS’ study, it may soon be available for people with PTSD.
Robison said that could open the door for it being allowed to be used for people with other issues, though it’ll be a slow process. He said people with PTSD can also struggle with relationships or have depression and anxiety, though, so “there are ripple effects to their healing work that will be felt in their partnerships.”
He said more research is needed on the impact of psychedelics on couples and he expects to see more therapists wanting to work with it in the years to come.
It’s taken a long time. But there is finally a growing awareness of the importance of discussing health issues openly and honestly.
By Northern Life
A lot of men shy away from discussing their health concerns because of social stigmas and embarrassment. Sometimes it’s because they simply don’t know where to turn for help. Addressing these issues openly and providing the necessary information and support is crucial.
Testicular Cancer
Testicular cancer is another health issue that often goes unaddressed due to embarrassment or fear. However, early detection is crucial for successful treatment and improved outcomes. It happens when abnormal cells develop in the testicles.
Common symptoms include a painless lump or swelling in one or both testicles. You might notice a feeling of heaviness in the scrotum or that your testicles have changed shape or weight. These symptoms can also be caused by other conditions, it’s true, but you need to talk to a doctor if you notice any of them.
Regular self-examinations are recommended. By familiarizing themselves with the normal size, shape, and weight of their testicles, men can quickly identify any changes or abnormalities. If a lump or other concerning symptoms are noticed, it is crucial to consult a doctor promptly.
While the topic of testicular cancer may be uncomfortable to discuss, early detection and treatment can significantly improve the chances of a full recovery. Men should prioritize their health by raising awareness and openly discussing this issue.
Erectile Dysfunction
Erectile Dysfunction (ED) affects a significant number of men, but it remains shrouded in silence. ED refers to the inability to achieve or maintain an erection sufficient for sexual intercourse. It can stem from various factors, including physical, psychological, or lifestyle-related causes. It’s normal to have trouble getting or maintaining an erection sometimes. But persistent problems can have a significant impact.
One common physical cause of ED is the restricted blood flow to the penis. Diabetes, high blood pressure, or cardiovascular disease can be potential causes. You might also suffer from ED if you are dealing with stress, anxiety, or depression. It’s probably not too surprising to learn that smoking, drinking too much booze, and not having an active lifestyle can increase the risk of developing it.
The first step in addressing ED is to have an open conversation with a healthcare professional. Doctors can help identify the underlying causes and recommend appropriate treatment options.
It is essential to recognize that ED is a treatable condition. By breaking the silence and seeking medical assistance, men can regain control over their sexual health and improve their overall well-being. If you want to learn more about treatments for ED, then you can check out what’s available at The Independent Pharmacy. They are a regulated online pharmacy that can help you find the right prescription and over-the-counter treatment.
Mental Health
Societal expectations that encourage men to be stoic and tough can create barriers to seeking help. However, mental health issues can affect anyone. It doesn’t matter what your gender is.
Depression, anxiety, and stress are widespread right now. Men need to understand that seeking help for these kinds of issues is a sign of strength. Mental health professionals are trained to provide support and guidance in managing these conditions. There’s therapy, medication, or a combination of both. Lifestyle changes such as regular exercise, healthy eating, and practicing stress-reducing techniques like meditation or mindfulness can also help to
By breaking the silence surrounding mental health and seeking appropriate support, men can effectively manage their mental health conditions and lead fulfilling lives.
Prostate Health
Prostate health is a critical aspect of men’s overall well-being. But it can be so tough for people to talk about it openly. Prostate cancer is the most common cancer among men, and it is essential to address it openly. Early detection is crucial for successful treatment and improved outcomes. However, the fear, stigma, or lack of awareness surrounding prostate cancer can discourage men from discussing it or seeking regular screenings.
Regular prostate screenings are recommended for men over the age of 50. You should get one earlier if you have a family history of prostate cancer. These screenings can help detect any abnormalities in the prostate gland and identify potential cancerous cells.
By breaking the silence and openly discussing prostate health, men can become proactive in monitoring their prostate health, addressing any concerns, and seeking timely medical intervention when necessary. Open conversations and awareness about prostate health can help save lives and ensure a better quality of life for men as they age.
Sexual Health And STDs
Sexual health is integral to overall well-being, and men should prioritize discussions about it. Safe sexual practices and regular check-ups can help prevent and detect sexually transmitted diseases. They also mean that you can enjoy an active sexual life.
Engaging in unprotected sexual activity or having multiple sexual partners can increase your risk of catching something. Open and honest communication with sexual partners about sexual health is essential. Discussing sexual history, STD testing, and using barrier methods such as condoms can help reduce the risk of contracting or spreading STDs. Regular STD testing is recommended, especially after engaging in unprotected sexual activity or changing sexual partners.
If diagnosed with an STD, it is crucial to seek prompt medical treatment and inform any sexual partners to prevent further transmission. A lot of STDs can be treated with antibiotics or antiviral medications. Additionally, healthcare providers can offer guidance on preventive measures, safe sexual practices, and regular screenings.
Men can reduce the stigma surrounding STDs, increase awareness, and take necessary precautions to protect themselves and their partners by promoting open conversations about sexual health,
Substance Abuse And Addiction
Substance abuse and addiction are significant health concerns that affect men disproportionately. Societal expectations and pressures can sometimes lead men to turn to substances such as alcohol, tobacco, or drugs as coping mechanisms, as we saw a lot during the pandemic. There can be serious mental and physical consequences when any of those substances are abused.
Breaking the silence surrounding substance abuse and addiction is essential. Men should be encouraged to seek support. There are treatment options out there, from counseling to detox and rehab programmes.
Men can smash the stigma associated with seeking help and create a supportive environment for those struggling with these issues when they talk about them. Addiction is a treatable condition, and men can embark on a journey towards recovery and regain control over their lives with the right support,
Wrapping It Up
Addressing the health issues men often avoid discussing is crucial for their well-being. By breaking the silence and encouraging discussions about these topics, men can take control of their health, seek appropriate medical assistance, and lead healthier, fulfilling lives. Remember, it’s time to break the barriers and prioritize men’s health through open dialogue and support. There is no such thing as an embarrassing health concern. And you might just be amazed by how much better you feel once you start talking.
It’s taken a long time. But there is finally a growing awareness of the importance of discussing health issues openly and honestly. The idea of “embarrassing” health problems is being challenged more and more frequently. But some topics still get swept under the carpet, especially when it comes to men’s health.
A lot of men shy away from discussing their health concerns because of social stigmas and embarrassment. Sometimes it’s because they simply don’t know where to turn for help. Addressing these issues openly and providing the necessary information and support is crucial.
Coming this fall to your TV screen: “The Golden Bachelor.” That’s right, reality television fans, seniors are finally getting their shot at this (somewhat unscripted) love connection. The suspenseful rose ceremonies and extravagant date nights are likely. But will there be an overnight in the fantasy suite?
If this is, in fact, reality, then there should be. Physical intimacy important — sex even has health benefits. Yes, even for those in their twilight years. Shining a light on sex after 60 may be just what the doctor ordered. But seniors also need to know how to protect themselves from sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).
STD Rates Rise Along with Sex After 60
Sexual health may not be a topic older adults are keen on discussing — even with their care providers. “Unfortunately, this reluctance to talk about sex is putting newly single seniors at risk for sexually transmitted infections,” says Laurie Archbald-Pannone, MD, a geriatrician with UVA Health. As a geriatrician, she specializes in primary care for older adults.
One analysis showed that in adults over age 60, diagnosis rates for STDs (also known as sexually transmitted infections or STIs) increased 23% in 3 years.
That’s more than double the increase seen in the rest of the population, which saw a rise of just 11% in diagnoses of STDs. The main STDS are gonorrhea, chlamydia, and herpes simplex.
Why the STD Boom Among Boomers?
The rise is likely due to “a lack of awareness among this age group about STI prevalence and prevention,” says Archbald-Pannone.
“A common scenario is when someone older in life suddenly rejoins the dating scene after a decades-long monogamous relationship. This person may not have a history of STI education, so may not be aware of appropriate prevention or STI signs and symptoms,” she says.
With increased availability of medications for menopausal symptoms and erectile dysfunction, sex after 60 is more common. But older adults are also more susceptible to infections due to age-related changes in immune function. For women, postmenopausal vaginal dryness can increase the risk for tears in the vaginal wall, which can accelerate the spread of infection.
Let’s Talk About Sex After 60
Unfortunately, says Archbald-Pannone, many clinicians are missing an opportunity to educate this population about STD prevention, including the use of condoms and the importance of screening.
“In terms of sexual health, we as providers readily talk about STI prevention with younger patients,” she says. “Among older adults, however, studies show clinicians are not having the same conversations. Often it’s because the provider is uncomfortable bringing up the topic. At any age, it’s difficult to discuss sensitive topics. But, as providers, we can have a big impact by talking to our patients about sexual practices, sexual health and STI prevention.
“We have to make sure that, as clinicians, we’re well educated on these topics so we can be a resource for our patients,” adds Archbald-Pannone. “We also have to create a judgment-free, open environment so patients feel comfortable having those conversations.”
4 Tips for STD Prevention
For anyone entering a sexual relationship, Archbald-Pannone has the following advice:
Talk to Your Partner
Be aware of your partner’s sexual history and STD risk factors before being intimate.
Use Protection
Condoms or other barrier methods used during intercourse prevent infections.
Looking for Senior Healthcare?
UVA Health geriatricians are experts in senior care.
Get Screened & Encourage Partners to Do the Same
If you are sexually active — either with a new partner, with several partners, or if your partner has recently had sex with others — you should have an annual STD screening. There is no age cutoff for screening.
Know STD Symptoms
If you’re having sex after 60 or any age, educate yourself on the signs and symptoms of gonorrhea, chlamydia, and herpes simplex. Some of the most common include:
Bumps, sores, or lesions around the genitals
Discharge from the penis or vagina
Painful urination
Get Treated
If you experience any unusual symptoms after engaging in sexual intercourse, don’t delay treatment. The condition can get worse.
Be sure to discuss your diagnosis with your partner so that they can get treatment as well.
Talk to Your Doctor
Your sexual health is an important part of your overall well-being. So don’t hesitate to discuss your questions and concerns with a clinician. Make your doctor aware of changes in your sexual practices to ensure you’re making safe choices when having sex after 60 or any age.
Talking to your partner about sex isn’t always easy—especially if you want to change things up. In an ideal world, you’d feel free to talk to your partner about anything. Unfortunately, we live in a society that fills our heads with all kinds of hang-ups and roadblocks that can make talking about sex less comfortable than, say, talking about your favorite music.
Think about it. We spend so much of our grade school, high school, and college years learning how to communicate effectively about everything but sex. For some, talking to your partner about abortion rights or gun control is easier than asking if they have a favorite sex toy. That’s because growing up, many of us weren’t given the space to learn how to talk about sex, let alone how to advocate for our own pleasure.
Talking to your partner about sex, and about trying new things in the bedroom, is all about compassionately disclosing your own preferences, desires, and boundaries, and encouraging them to do the same. That’s where we’ll start.
1. Approach With Compassion
Since we’re not often given space to learn and grow our ability to talk about sex, most of us end up getting stuck in ideas and attitudes we learned from movies, TV shows, games, music, and porn. Too often, these sources perpetuate the idea that women’s sexual needs are extra credit—something nice but not exactly the main course. Conversely, the media often reinforces the idea that men’s sexual desires begin and end in a race toward orgasm.
Talking openly about what you want out of sex means challenging these deeply rooted ideas, in yourself and in your partner (or partners), no matter what your gender is. Because we start to absorb these attitudes at such a young age, the part that holds on to them is a young part. That means it’s probably sensitive, feisty, and prone to being easily embarrassed. Have you ever fallen behind in a class? It can feel like that. So you hide it, pretend, and put on an act, but deep down you still have trouble advocating for your needs, curiosities, and boundaries.
No matter where you are on the comfort spectrum, have compassion for yourself and for your partner. Think about where they’re at, think about where you’re at, and approach them with kindness and understanding.
2. Know What You Want to Try
Next time you’re masturbating, pay attention to what really gets you going. What are you fantasizing about (or watching) that you really want to try with your partner? Write it down in a journal, in a note file on your phone, somewhere you won’t forget about it.
Make sure you’re specific. For instance, don’t just write down “rough stuff.” Write down spanking, hair pulling, bondage, etc. The more generic you are, the more room for confusion there is, and the more likely you are to be disappointed. We don’t want that. We want sex to be fun; we want talking about sex to be fun.
3. Talk During and After Sex
One of the best ways to break the ice and get comfier talking to your partner about sex is simple: Talk about sex. Being vocal during, after, and even before sex is one of the best ways to open the door to a world where you talk about sex as easily as you talk about what to have for dinner.
Tell him, her, or them how much you like doing what you’re doing, or how much you like what they’re doing. When you’re lying in the afterglow, mention something you liked. “It was so hot when you,” or “I loved when we.” It’s a good thing to practice because it opens the door to talking about things you liked outside the context of actually having sex.
4. Be Horny
Now that you have a good idea of what you want to try and you’re comfortable talking about sexduring sex, it’s time to practice talking about sex outside of the bedroom. Start with little things like sexually charged compliments. “Your arms look so hot when you” or “Your butt looksso good in those” or “From this angle, I can see your,” and just leave it there. Not every horny comment is a prelude to sex; they definitely can be, but it’s pretty fun to just flirt with your partner and let that sexual tension sizzle on the back burner.
5. Pop the Question
Once you’re comfortable giving and receiving horny compliments and you are both feeling some of that ambient sexual tension, instead of giving a compliment, sidle up close and ask them a question. Something like “Would you ever want to do X, Y, or Z to me?” or “What do you think about being spanked?” This way there’s room for a conversation, and room for your partner to say yes, no, or maybe.
The nice thing about talking about it outside of the bedroom is that even if your partner is interested, you’re not in a situation where either of you feels pressured to try the new thing right now, and it can just sit in the back of the mind for a little bit. It’s something you’re both aware of, thinking about, and will probably try pretty soon. Then the next time you start getting frisky, if you’re ready, ask if they are, and go from there.
6. Leave Room for No
If your partner has a boundary around the thing you want to try, talking about it outside of sexual activity means you’re in a sexually open but not sexually vulnerable space to have that conversation. This is important. It’s hard to say no.
Saying no to someone you care about and want to make happy can be even harder—especially for women. Those same influences that give us so much of our early sex education reinforce the idea that women’s pleasure is secondary, and it’s really easy to internalize that without realizing it. That’s not to say that setting boundaries is easy for men either, it’s definitely not, for the same reasons. Leave yourself and your partner room to say no. Even if you don’t get to try the thing you want to explore, you still get to enjoy an all-new level of trust and communication with someone you care about.
— As research shows that more people are sexing their way through their seventies than ever before, WH unpicks why the thought of the older generation getting their kicks makes people so uncomfortable
As Richard* reaches for the massage oil, Belle assumes her position facedown on the bed. Spreading the warm liquid across her shoulders, his hands slowly creep down her body – taking extra care over her aching lower back.
Unable to resist any longer, she gently turns onto her front, spreads her legs and allows him to pleasure her until an orgasm ripples through her body.
‘When Richard has taken Viagra, I know he’ll be able to go for hours. So, once I come back down to earth, I reach for the lube and climb on top. My hips may not move as smoothly as they used to, but that doesn’t stop us climaxing.’
This is the sixth time 70-year-old Belle* and Richard, 85, who she met on a dating site 18 months ago, have had sex this week. And they’re far from alone: research has been telling us – for years, actually – that seniors are sexing their way through their seventies – and beyond.
A leading 2015 study funded by Age UK and carried out by researchers at The University of Manchester found that 54% of men and 31% of women over the age of 70 were still “sexually active”. A third were having sex at least twice a month. One 2018 survey by the University of Michigan also found that 40% of people between 65 and 80 reported being sexually active, with more than half of those who have a partner saying they still get down to it, while a further Swedish study in 2021 revealed that 10% of those over 90 were even having sex.
A Swedish study revealed that 10% of those over 90 were still having sex.
Clearly, the data shows that older people aren’t just having sex, but also (whisper it) enjoying it – but then, why shouldn’t they? Beyond the fact we’re living longer and lots of older adults have better access to sex-life saving healthcare and medication, many seniors looking for love or sex after divorce or the death of a spouse, have (contrary to the technophobe stereotype) also embraced the internet.
One 2021 US survey found more than a third of respondents over 55 had dated within the last five years, with 13% using dating apps or websites, and 7% turning to social media to meet someone. Psychosexual therapist Lohani Noor says the sex positivity and sexual wellness movement over the past decade has played an empowering part, and has noticed an increase in older people coming to therapy to explore their sexuality.
‘Many are finding the courage, after a lifetime of being repressed, to bring to life their buried authentic sexual selves,’ she says. ‘The joy of sexual liberation that our society affords is available to all and older people are grasping it with both hands before time literally runs out.’
Many younger people hold strong, often negative, reactions to the thought of senior sex
Yet even with this positive shift amongst older generations, many younger ones have long held strong, often negative, reactions to the thought of older people having sex. ‘Can we please draw the line at friction fires caused by unkempt, geriatric pubes rubbing together vigorously on polyester couches?’ said one viral Vice article titled “Old People Having Sex Is Gross” back in 2012.
Ten years later, the idea still leads to recoiling as shown in May this year when ABC announced a seniors-focused spinoff of the hit series The Bachelor, called The Golden Bachelor, where ‘one hopeless romantic is given a second chance at love in the search for a partner with whom to share the sunset years of life’. Fans of the OG show were quick to share their mocking reactions on Instagram, with comments ranging from ‘No. No. No.’ to, ‘Does this mean old folks? You guys…be for real’.
So why is it that eight years after Age UK’s landmark study, which lead researcher Dr. David Lee hoped would ‘counter stereotypes and misconceptions about late-life sexuality’ are people still weirded out by the thought of older people having good sex?
Exploring the senior sex taboo
Noor argues there’s an outright refusal that older folks are sexual beings, despite the research proving otherwise. ‘We’re discussing it more, but many feel uncomfortable about senior sex because we de-sexualise adults as they age,’ she says. ‘Referring to them in a sexual way becomes strangely repulsive.’
Joan Price, author of the Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex agrees it’s down to The Ick Factor. ‘Like, ‘Eww, old people having sex? That’s disgusting. No, don’t tell me la la la,’’ she says. After losing her husband at 57, Price is now 79 and enjoying her sex life. She believes the taboo is rooted in society’s wider fear of getting older and our mortality.
‘People have been taught growing up, and through the media, that they will only be sexually desirable if they use certain products, dress a certain way, and act a certain way [at a certain age]. That’s harmful.’
67% of over 65s feel sex and intimacy for their age group is rarely or never represented in media
Indeed, a study by Relate found that 67% of over 65s feel sex and intimacy for their age group is rarely or never represented in media. ‘When I went looking for books [about senior sex] it was doom and gloom,’ says Price, adding it felt like the world was saying ‘‘just give it up and crochet or play with grandchildren”. But sexual pleasure has no expiration date!’
Alyson*, 68, who’s been married for 36 years and has sex with her husband, Omar*, 67, twice a week, empathises with younger peoples’ anxieties about getting older. ‘There are many preconceptions: the doddery grandma is patronised and laughed at; her opinions are old fashioned – I think it’s all linked to a loss of respect for older people, like they’re not important, not visible or a nuisance,’ she says. ‘But I absolutely understand [the reaction] as young people don’t want to think about themselves as getting there too.’
“Young people imagine deteriorated bodies and think the whole thing would ‘look’ horrible”
Entrenched beauty standards have also bolstered the perception. ‘Young people imagine deteriorated bodies and think the whole thing would ‘look’ horrible,’ adds Belle. ‘Like two fat lumps of wrinkled flesh in the bed together. I think people think [sex] is meant to be a thing for young women and men. I don’t think my sons want to encounter being told anything about my sex life – and I don’t discuss it with them – but young people should know it can still be a huge amount of fun.’ And, importantly, with health benefits, too.
The joy of senior sex
Two years after his research was published, Lee teamed up with Professor Josie Tetley from Manchester Metropolitan University and after analysing findings from the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing, they discovered a clear link between positive sexual health and intimacy later in life, and better subjective well-being. A separate study published in the Journal Sexual Medicine in 2019 echoed these findings: participants with an average age of 65, who had reported any kind of sexual activity within the last 12 months, were found to have better wellbeing and a higher enjoyment of life.
‘When we experience pleasure and orgasm, the body releases endorphins that can strengthen our immune system, bring pain relief to chronic conditions, and improve our cognitive functioning,’ explains Noor. ‘These are particularly important in our senior years.’
“The health benefits generated from orgasm release are particularly important in our older years”
Miranda Christophers, a psychosexual therapist for online menopause platform Issviva, agrees that, for older people, ‘the benefits of sex may feel more important’ as our bodies age and we experience changes such as increased blood pressure. ‘Studies suggest blood pressure is lowered by physical contact, and being physically close with a romantic partner reduces C-reactive protein (CRP) which relates to inflammation,’ she says.
That said, the rise of senior sex has also brought a rise in STIs such as chlamydia, gonorrhoea and syphilis, with rates among the over 60s and 70s almost doubling in the last decade. Bianca Dunne, a nurse and co-founder of sexual health app iPlaySafe says the amount of people filing for divorce in their 50s and the rise of dating apps targeting the over 50s are contributing factors. ‘The exclusion of the over 50s [in government sexual health campaigns] has also resulted in a lack of education among this age group,’ she says.
Belle, who has always taken an STI test before and after a new partner, has dated a number of older men and seen this lack of senior sex education first-hand. ‘Our generation are meeting people on dating websites regularly and having unprotected sex,’ she says. ‘There’s no fear of pregnancy. Ask a 70-year-old man to put on a condom, I think they’d laugh at you. Our generation doesn’t think about protecting their sexual health.’
Creaks between the sheets
While senior sex can come with healthy benefits – minus the STIs – there’s no denying it’s different. But this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. A survey by sexual wellness brand LELO UK found nearly a third of people over 50 were having the best sex of their lives, 42% were more adventurous, and 16% even said their sex drive has increased.
‘It’s enjoyable in a different way – it doesn’t have the Olympic feats that it used to have; it’s a more quiet and gentle sex,’ says Belle, adding that being put on ‘some wonderful HRT’ during menopause was a game-changer ‘in terms of lubrication and being seriously up for it.’
Research found that nearly a third of people over 50 were having the best sex of their lives
Today, certain positions – missionary and woman-on-top – work better with her unstable knees, back and shoulder pain, which some days can leave her struggling to get out of bed, but the couple vowed to face any age-related problems head on.
Anything that’s failed, we laughed about and tried again. Richard has had trouble with erections since having prostate surgery but we discussed it and he went to see his GP who prescribed Viagra. It worked like magic and boosted his confidence.’
Alyson and Omar have also overcome sexual struggles including, after years of not having sex, Alyson’s one-off fling with a younger man. ‘It came at a time when I felt completely undesirable and it was brief but enough to rekindle feelings about my own desire,’ she says, adding that while she didn’t tell Omar, it led to them rebooting their sexual relationship.
Alyson’s one-off fling with a younger man rebooted her sexual relationship with her husband
Recently, however, Omar has struggled to maintain an erection and refuses to go to his GP. ‘It’s becoming more difficult [to have sex]. I miss the penetration.’ He’s also revealed some new desires, which Alyson isn’t as keen on. ‘He’s asked me to try pegging him. He has a strap-on, which I think he hoped I would use on him, but I won’t – that’s one of my boundaries.’
Since his erectile dysfunction, Omar has also begun collecting gadgets that might help, including butt plugs and cock rings, but they’re ‘an interruption,’ says Alyson, ‘and that can be problematic as I can fall asleep in the 10 minutes it takes to get them out.’
Despite these issues, Alyson loves having an active sex life again. ‘I enjoy orgasms and masturbating together,’ she says, recalling her favourite recent steamy moment. ‘We were on the beach, in a very isolated place, and had a lot of sex on the rocks with Omar managing to maintain his erection. That was good. I quite like outdoor sex!’
Reframing senior sex
And that’s the thing: as humans, we’re designed for sexual pleasure and, as Noor says, denying our sexual nature can hurt us in profound ways. But she also believes a larger cultural reframing towards senior sex will happen, albeit slowly, with people living and loving longer than ever. ‘As society evolves and we learn that we are sexual sensual beings who thrive off physical closeness, we will allow ourselves more permissions to seek closeness, whatever that looks like,’ she says.
Price is already on a mission to encourage this. ‘Sexual pleasure is lifelong. Is it the same as younger age sex? No. It is very different and continues to change and challenge us. But just because we’re challenged doesn’t mean we’re defeated. As long as we educate ourselves and are open minded, sexuality is ageless.’
“As long as we educate ourselves and are open minded, sexuality is ageless”
Lesley Carter, a registered nurse and clinical lead at Age UK agrees that a mindset shift is needed for attitudes to catch up with our increasing life span. ‘It’s about understanding that ageing brings life transitions that can create opportunities for older adults to redefine what sexuality and intimacy mean to them,’ she says.
As Belle, Alyson and research proves, a great sex life in your senior years doesn’t merely exist — it can thrive. ‘Younger people need to know there can be a continuation of a fulfilling sex life,’ says Belle. ‘It’s about your state of mind. It’s like a plant, if you don’t water it, it’ll die. If you keep the spark between you, you can overcome the difficulties that come with age.’ Yes, these horny seniors have a whole lot of experience and a whole lot of untapped wisdom. Let’s stop ignoring them, and start learning from them.
*Names have been changed
Pleasure in your senior years
Advice for now – or the future – according to our experts
1. Do your communication work
‘Share your concerns, challenges and feelings,’ says Carter. ‘This might be explaining: ‘My knees hurt when we use that position, and I lose concentration’ or ‘I’m anxious about having sex because I’m self-conscious about what you think about my ageing body’. Discussing these difficulties could lead to solutions, like agreeing to try new things, or doing things differently.
2. Don’t ignore the pain
‘If you’re experiencing a new pain connected to having sex, it’s sensible [at any age] to discuss that with a healthcare professional,’ Carter says. ‘As we age, our bones, muscles and tendons get stiff and sore, so you can expect some discomfort – that’s normal. But any unfamiliar pain that worries you needs to be monitored and discussed with an expert.’
3. Do reach for the (silicone-based) lube
Vaginal dryness is common with the menopause due to a drop in oestrogen but if untreated, it can lead to irritation and painful sex in your senior years, too. ‘Using a silicone-based lube, like Durex’s silicone based lube or Boots’ own-brand silicone lube,’ advises Dunne. ‘Silicone lubes have a smooth, silky texture, so there’s no need to constantly re-apply, plus they are hypoallergenic which makes them compatible with condoms and sex toys.’
4. Don’t throw away the condoms
‘Even if you’ve experienced menopause, this doesn’t make you immune from STIs,’ says Dunne. So, yes, use a condom. ‘Make sure it doesn’t contain an ingredient that is a known irritant to you or your partner such as latex or fragrance, as this will exacerbate vaginal pain,’ adds Dunne, who recommends Durex’s Naturals Condoms and Smile Makers’ Come Connected Condomswhich are vegan.
5. Do lean on the support
‘It’s helpful if we can identify our own sexual difficulties, and do some research — there is so much information available,’ says Carter. ‘But sexual health centres can offer advice too, like discussing if a medication to treat a sexual problem may impact any other medications you’re taking.’ Age UK, National Council on Ageing, The Pelvic Hub’s Guide to Senior Sex are helpful resources, or check out Joan Price’s blog.
You don’t need a relationship therapist for everything, but when you and your partner are struggling to communicate, a couples therapist can give you some much-needed tools. Of course, it can be hard to know if and when seeking couples therapy is the right move — especially for queer couples. Since LGBTQ+ people have historically been underrepresented in science, literature, and media, it can be difficult for queer couples to know if they’re experiencing normal relationship stress or something bigger.
Throughout my years working as a sex and relationship therapist, I’ve pinpointed signs that you and your partner might need help from a professional. Here are seven signs that it might be time for couples therapy.
1. You’re stuck in an “infinity fight.”
Fighting with your partner isn’t always a bad thing. We all communicate differently, and for many of us, a heated (but respectful) argument is the easiest path toward conflict resolution. That said, it isn’t healthy to fight every day — especially when that fight is always about the same thing. If you and your partner fight about the same issue every time it pops up and nothing seems to change afterwards, you’re in what I call an “infinity fight.”
You could be fighting about anything — friends, family, sex, chores — but if it’s not getting better, then it’s probably just getting worse. It’s okay if you two can’t work it out on your own. That’s what therapy is for!
2. You think there’s room for improvement, but you don’t know where to start.
Couples therapy isn’t only for partners who are at their wits’ end. If you see a problem forming and want to get ahead of it, couples therapy might be right for your relationship.
In many cases, counseling is even more effective if you do it before the tears are flowing and tempers are running hot. There are a million different ways that two people can spark conflict with each other — and there’s no rule book that can tell you how to fix them all — so there’s no shame in seeking professional advice.
3. Being with your partner feels like a chore.
This is one of the saddest things I see as a therapist. Two people are madly in love, but unresolved gripes, conflicts, or complaints suck the life out of them over time.
If it feels like being with your partner is a chore — i.e., you’d rather capitulate than argue with them, their requests always feel like a burden, you try to avoid emotional or physical connection, etc. — then something is clearly wrong.
Likewise, if you feel like your partner is treating you that way no matter what you do, then it’s time to call in some assistance. Couples therapy can help you uncover the origin of those feelings and guide you back to a healthy and happy relationship.
4. Your sex life is struggling.
I often struggle to get clients to open up about sex. Whether they’re unsatisfied, afraid to express their desires, or experiencing shifts in libido, the last thing they want to do is talk to their partner about it.
They might be scared of hurting each other’s feelings or just flat-out uncomfortable talking about sex, so they wait to address it until they can hardly tolerate sex. In other cases, they may have perfect sexual communication but still feel unable to improve. A therapist can help you find out why you’re sexually unsatisfied and get back to sexual bliss with your partner.
5. You have trust issues.
I can tell you right now that a lack of trust will lead to bigger and badder problems in no time. It could be that you’ve been hurt before and feel suspicious, or it could be that your partner’s words or actions are inconsiderate.
We all want to know the truth and we all want to be able to trust our loved ones, but it’s rarely that simple. A therapist can help both of you communicate more honestly with each other. They can also help you find out if that mistrust is coming from you, your partner, or both.
6. You and/or your partner are working through trauma.
I know it feels obvious to seek professional help after experiencing trauma, but few people think to involve their partners in that work. If you’ve been through trauma together, such as a car accident or loss of a child, then you need to heal together.
If one of you has been through something traumatic, it’s normal for the other partner to want to help — even if they don’t know how. It’s natural for all of us to want to be there for those we love. A therapist can help you heal, but they can also teach your partner how to be there for you and vice versa.
7. You and your partner have fundamental differences.
We may not mind our partner’s differences at first. That difference could be a hobby, a political view, religious difference, or any other value or interest you don’t share.
Over time, these differences can turn into points of contention, resentment, or arguments. You probably can’t change that aspect of them, but a therapist can help you both move forward in a healthy way.
Remember: Couples therapy isn’t a last resort.
As the stigma surrounding mental health fades away, therapy is becoming more and more common. You don’t have to wait for an extreme problem to try it. Try a few therapists and see what feels right. Hopefully, you and your partner will start a journey towards a better, stronger relationship. That said, therapy isn’t a fix-all solution for every problem. Sometimes two people simply aren’t compatible — and that’s okay! Therapy can help you discover what steps to take for a healthier life, whether that’s together or apart.
For years, studies have shown that Americans are having less sex, whether they’re teens or in midlife. While researchers posit several different reasons for that—the lasting social effects of a pandemic that encouraged isolation, and more reliance on our devices over human connection, to name just two—I’d wager to say that for plenty of people in monogamous relationships, the idea of sex may just feel unexciting or uninspiring. As a modern love therapist, one of the most common requests I get from people in long-term monogamous relationships is for support in learning how to spice up their relationship, and specifically, their sex lives within it.
While people who are interested in exploring non-monogamy may be able to rev up their sex lives through the novelty of additional partners, those in a monogamous relationship (who aren’t interested in opening it up) may find that the extreme familiarity they have with their partner can become a breeding ground for boring sex. And boring sex likely isn’t pleasurable or satisfying sex, either—which can just make the people involved less likely to seek it out in the first place.
Desire dies at the hands of routine and familiarity because, by nature, it thrives off the unknown.
Desire dies at the hands of routine and familiarity because, by nature, it thrives off the unknown. In order to feel desire, defined as hunger and craving, you have to want something you don’t currently have. And yet, to build an intimate and sustainable relationship, you need to have a person in your life (and in your bed) about whom you know a great deal.
Still, it’s certainly possible to infuse a long-term monogamous relationship with some excitement if you avoid falling into the trap of monotony. Below, find seven easy tactics for how to spice up your relationship and crank the volume on your sex life, even if it’s the same partner every time.
How to spice up your relationship and take the monotony out of monogamy
1. Approach everyday interactions with your partner more mindfully
Research shows that we listen to those we love the least closely because we believe we can predict what they are going to say. When we get used to something or someone, we tend to tune out, rather than tune in. Take, for example, brushing your teeth; do you really pay attention while you’re doing it?
In much the same way, you might realize that you tend to ask your partner how their day was without really listening to the answer, or automatically assume the same sex position or choose to have sex after dinner or with the lights out every time you have it. While there is nothing wrong with any of these practices, in theory, they all present opportunities to numb out rather than really feel—which is necessary to experiencing pleasure.
Choosing to tune into these interactions with a partner rather than allowing them to become passive programming can help you to feel more present and thus more satisfied in your relationship (and in bed).
2. Consider how your sexual desires have evolved since you started dating your partner
In all relationships, we develop patterns of interactions or ways of being together that become familiar. We often forget that when we commit to a person, we aren’t committing to being the same with that person forever. As our circumstances change—we age, have new experiences, grow, experience loss—our needs change, too.
The fact that we transform is not the problem; it’s that many times, we don’t reorient ourselves to our new needs, and therefore don’t alert our partner of these changing needs, either. What you liked when you first met your partner may be very different now, and yet you might still be relying on old patterns of interaction that no longer fit.
Human sexuality expert and sex educator Emily Nagoski, PhD, recommends asking yourself: “What is it that I want when I want sex?” and “What is it that I like when I like sex?” I recommend adding in questions like: “What prevents me from feeling good in my body?” and “What enables me to feel good in my body?” Then, ask your partner the same questions.
It’s important to normalize that desires shift over time, just like our appetites for food.
Don’t be afraid to get detailed in your investigation. It’s important to normalize that desires shift over time, just like our appetites for food, and that consistent inquiry into what you and your partner like will be necessary throughout your relationship to keep sex, well, sexy.
3. Get to know your non-sexual pleasures
If you find that you struggle to answer the questions about sexual desire above, it may be because pleasure isn’t something you feel comfortable owning or experiencing—and probably for very good reason. Your body might not have always felt safe in scenarios where pleasure was involved, or you may have been taught to prioritize what others want from you versus what you want. After all, we live in a world where many bodies are under attack and in a culture that has long privileged men’s pleasure over women’s (hello, orgasm gap).
All of the above could mean you need some personal space to heal your relationship to pleasure. From an emotional perspective, when we are unable to feel pleasure, it’s not because we can’t access it; it’s because our bodies are protecting us from feeling anything at all so as to shield us from pain.
4. Create a transitional pre-sex practice for when the day’s obligations are done
One of the common complaints I hear is that people aren’t “in the mood” or are “too exhausted” at the end of the day for sex and deep connection. I do not doubt the truth of these statements; there are so many demands on our time and energy at this cultural moment.
But what may also be contributing to these feelings is the fact that, when we’re overwhelmed, the part of our brain that can connect is not readily available to us. If we attempt to go from a busy workday, an evening workout, or preparing dinner to pressing “go” on sexual connection, we are setting unrealistic expectations for ourselves.
Instead, create a transitional practice that enables your body to enter a window where connection feels possible. If you typically run anxious, ask yourself, “What sounds, sights, tastes, textures, and/or scents soothe me?” and see how you can incorporate one or more of these sensory items into a pre-sex ritual. Or, if you tend to feel low on energy or fatigued when the time for sex rolls around, do the same thing for the sensations or sensory items that typically energize you.
Integrating, for example, a few songs, movements, or fragrances that bring you back home to your body might give you just what you need to be able to shift into a connection space with your partner and make sex feel more exciting.
5. Get curious about your sex life
When we experience dissatisfaction in our sex life, we typically create a problem-focused narrative. It might sound something like, “My partner is lazy,” or “We aren’t compatible anymore.” The issue with this type of story is that it prevents further investigation. And it’s often just a strategy for avoiding feeling hurt, jealousy, or anger while steering clear of what’s really happening below the surface.
Instead, get curious about what’s happening or what’s changed in the dynamic with your partner. For example, instead of saying, “My partner doesn’t have energy for sex,” ask yourself, “What might be taking up all his energy?” Or, instead of saying, “I just don’t find sex pleasurable with my partner anymore,” ask yourself, “What has shifted for me when it comes to sex, and what may have shifted for her?” These open-ended questions offer up new pathways for connection, rather than shutting them down.
6. Discuss the sensitive or tough stuff
Sometimes, a boring or unsexy sex life is actually covering up disconnection in a relationship, which never feels good. Because our brains like to focus on what is familiar and predictable, many of us avoid asking questions about things that we fear, or to which the answers could vary widely. But when we aren’t talking about what’s really coming up for us, silence or physical disengagement accrues around these tough topics and creates thick layers of distance between us. And sex tends to fall away (or become less satisfying) in the resulting chasm.
When we aren’t talking about what’s really coming up for us, silence or physical disengagement accrues around these tough topics and creates thick layers of distance between us.
Ask yourself: What are you wondering about your partner, but are afraid to know the answer to? Some ideas are: “What sexual fantasies do you have that exist outside of us, and how would you want to share them with me?”, “What do you wish were different about our relationship?”, “What do you feel insecure about in our relationship?”, “What makes it hard for you to connect with me?”, and “What ideas do you have about bringing more fire into our connection?” Anything that invites newness into a relationship has the potential to enliven it.
7. Spend time doing fun things outside of your relationship
This sounds counterintuitive, but in actuality, finding joy outside of a relationship can help you thrive within the relationship. Sometimes, we depend too heavily on our partners to meet our every need, and this puts too much weight on the relationship for it to thrive. The route to closeness might actually be differentiation and spending more time on your own.
How are you nurturing your own garden? What is your sexual relationship with yourself like? Do you still do things that bring you playfulness and joy that have nothing to do with your partner? Accessing the sensual, sexual, and curious parts of you that you may have left behind when you coupled up won’t just leave you feeling more fulfilled; it could also help you do your part in reigniting a spark between you and your partner.
Boundaries protect our well-being and foster functional and healthy relationships, but to be effective, the foundation has to be applied correctly.
Those who were raised without the education of psychologists on TikTok may be used to people crossing lines in our lives while thinking nothing of it. So the idea of setting and maintaining boundaries with people may feel alien.
But it’s never too late to learn how to “throw down a boundary.”
What are boundaries?
“Boundaries, simply put, are what is and isn’t acceptable when it comes to our treatment,” said Michelle Elman, a London-based life coach and author of “The Selfish Romantic.” “We need them in all areas of our life in order to know our identity, honor our needs and stand up for ourselves.”
Boundaries apply in all spheres of life and act as a verbal shield for our physical, emotional, sexual and relationship needs.
“Physical boundaries relate to your physical space and personal touch,” said Pippa Murphy, a London-based sex and relationship expert for Condoms.UK. “Examples of physical boundaries include not allowing people to invade your personal space, not tolerating unwanted physical touch and being clear about your comfort level with displays of affection.”
‘Boundaries, simply put, are what is and isn’t acceptable when it comes to our treatment.’
Potential emotional boundaries could encompass limiting the information you share with new people or restricting what topics you are comfortable joking about. Time boundaries help maintain a strict separation between work and leisure time.
“Relationship boundaries relate to how you interact with others in your relationships,” she added. “Examples of relationship boundaries include being clear about what you will and will not tolerate in terms of behavior, not allowing others to control or manipulate you, and being clear about your own needs and expectations in the relationship.”
Digital boundaries refer to your use of technology and social media. These could include not responding to work emails outside of work hours, limiting what personal information you share online and how much time you spend on social media.
Identifying your boundaries
Not everyone’s boundaries look identical; therefore, it’s crucial to ask yourself: What are mine?
Don’t apply someone else’s rulebook to your own life out of convenience.
“Take note of when you feel uncomfortable or uneasy in a situation,” Murphy explained. “What were the circumstances? What was it about the situation that made you feel uncomfortable? Next, pay attention to how you react in these situations, as your body and mind are likely to have given you physical or emotional cues that your boundaries were crossed.”
Focus on what’s important to you because understanding your core values will make it easier to set boundaries that align with your life.
“All of this will help you identify your own boundaries, but it’s important to be patient with yourself when setting your first boundary, as it can be an ongoing process of trial and error,” Murphy noted. “You may need to adjust your boundaries as you go along, and that’s OK. It’s part of the process of finding out what your real boundaries are.”
Communicating your boundaries to others
Communicating boundaries is fundamental. If they only live in your head, others won’t know they’ve crossed a line.
“It’s OK to be scared, have nerves or feel awkward,” Elman said. “You are doing something new for the first time. Set the boundary anyway. Your feelings are valid but they should not dictate your behavior. Say something rather than saying nothing.”
No one needs to know a boundary’s origin to respect it, so don’t feel pressured to divulge details. Be honest, succinct and direct when communicating your boundary.
“Use ‘I’ statements to communicate your feelings and needs,” Murphy recommended. “For example, ‘I need some alone time right now’ or ‘I don’t like being hugged.'”
Be specific about where the conversation happens. At work, it may require a formal meeting and an advocate. If it’s sexual, the discussion should take place away from the distraction of the bedroom.
“When you have built up your practice in easier situations, more challenging situations will feel less of a challenge,” Elman said. “Respond to other people’s boundaries how you would like other people to respond to yours.”
Dealing with broken or disrespected boundaries
“The two main feelings will be anger and resentment, and these will tell you that your boundaries have been crossed,” Elman explained. “Once you have noticed that, you can take action and do something about it. The word no is the first and simplest boundary to learn. If you can’t use your no, then your yes has no power either.”
Respond when someone breaks or disrespects a boundary. Silence is often read as acceptance, so re-establish your boundaries firmly and unapologetically.
“By reinforcing it, you are telling the person you are serious about your boundary and when you add a consequence, you need to follow through on that consequence,” she added. “If you do not feel safe to be assertive, then that’s a room you should get yourself out of as soon as possible.”
A consequence may look like restricting contact with a person, such as removing them from your social media account, for example, if they shared imagery without your consent.
Maintaining boundaries in the long-term
Boundaries are never finished. They expand, update and evolve over time, often unpredictably. Don’t get lax; pay attention by prioritizing making regular check-ins, Murphy suggested.
“Ask yourself questions such as, ‘Do I feel comfortable with this boundary?’ ‘Does this boundary align with my values and beliefs?’ and ‘Has anything changed that might affect how I feel about this boundary?'” she said. “Pay attention to your emotions as you reflect on the boundary.”
When checking a boundary, you don’t need to seek change, but you do need to explore whether its limits need an update. As when we’re setting a boundary, if one needs to evolve, your emotions will tell you. Listen to them.
“Think about your needs and priorities in the situation,” Murphy said. “Does the boundary help you feel safe, respected or valued? Or does it hinder your ability to connect with others or achieve your goals? Consider how the boundary fits into your overall needs and priorities. Based on your reflection, emotions and needs, decide if you need to take any action to adjust the boundary.”
— When it comes to affairs of the heart, we are all beginners. Some of us, however, at least speak with authority. Introducing Shon Faye, author of The Transgender Issue (2021) and the forthcoming Love in Exile (2025), whose advice caught our eye.
Francesco Morandini’s The Three Graces, 1544-1597, Uffizi Gallery.
I am in a long-term and loving relationship with my partner of almost seven years. We live together and share a fun, happy, and fulfilling life together. We tried polyamory last year, and I fell in love with someone new and was in a relationship with that person for about 10 months. I fell really hard and fast and deep. I had only ever been in love with my partner before meeting this new person. I could see a future with them, and we slotted into each other’s lives. I was totally besotted. It felt so romantic and big.
Then they broke up with me. They said they didn’t want our relationship to end but they couldn’t see a way for it to move forward that would work for them. They wanted things that I couldn’t give them. We have been broken up for three months, and I am miserable. I have been as open as I can be with my primary partner, and we are managing. I have started new hobbies, met new people, slept, cried, eaten well, stayed hydrated, listened to sad music, talked about it with friends. I have been sober since breaking up. I have been looking after myself. And I am miserable.
What should I do? Is this a choice between two lovers? Or should I fight for them back (when I’m not sure I can give them what they need)?
In heartbreak,
S
Dear S,
The solution to your problem is simple for me to explain, though not easy for you to bear. You’re so devastated because you’re learning one of the most painful lessons there is to learn: that the presence of love is not the only requirement for a relationship to work. Sometimes, an overwhelming passion for another person and an intensity of feeling and connection to them that seems life altering leads absolutely nowhere. You are ruminating over your hopes and fantasies when you were falling for this person—it all seemed to be pointing toward something exciting and transformative. Your life felt elevated and gleamed with potential. Then it just ended. It sucks. I can tell you from experience that ending a relationship under these circumstances feels like burying something still alive so that it can slowly die, shrivel, and decay in the darkness. The imagery I am using is a touch dramatic but only because withdrawing from love is an experience of extremes and, when you’re in it, can honestly feel like a matter of life and death.
I think the fact that this occurred within the context of polyamory is less important, actually. It can and does happen every day to people who are monogamous. If you have only ever loved your primary partner until now and that love progressed to a relationship of many years, you haven’t had the experience of releasing someone in the midst of infatuation because you’re simply not compatible. I wish someone sat us down as teenagers and told us about how important compatibility is. Then again, who would listen as it all sounds so terribly boring: timing, values, financial aspirations, religion, ethics, desires for children, location. Turns out that cumulatively they all matter far more than chemistry and passion in the long term.
You probably know some of this because of your existing partner. They are familiar to you; the love you have for them is perhaps quieter, more consistent, more reliable—even a little boring. That’s what a lot of long-term relationships are—a decision every day to share the mundanity of life. There can still be joys and surprises, but they’re slower and subtler. They will never be as dramatic and grandiose as the thoughts and feelings we experience in the early stages of infatuation, when we have a blank canvas to paint all of our greatest fantasies onto someone new. It’s unsustainable. If you’re still thinking in epic, cinematic terms after a year or two, it’s probably a sign the relationship is dysfunctional.
This isn’t a choice between two lovers because you say you aren’t dissatisfied with your first partner—you are just desperately looking for a way to hold on to the new love, and so your mind keeps presenting this as an ultimatum: End your current relationship and chase a dream, or feel this pain forever. In reality, leaving your current partner would very much risk adding another heartbreak to this scenario and is no guarantee you would make it work with this new person. Fighting for them may work for a month or two, but breakups happen for a reason.
You’re doing all the right things for getting over heartbreak—make sure too that you do not follow this person on social media or maintain contact with them. It is brutal at first, but it works. One thought I had was about your existing partner and their reaction to all this: I would gently suggest that they cannot be the person who supports you through this grief. Ethical non-monogamy doesn’t mean we lose all feelings of jealousy, pain, or resentment. You need to explain to your partner that you’re trying your best to get over this, but also ask them how they feel and what boundaries they may need. It’s good to talk to friends about the breakup and accept that, while your partner is concerned about you, they have their own limits. Once, when I was heartbroken and unsure I would ever be happy again, my friend said to me: “Time will do the work for you if you just keep moving through it.” Hang on in there; it will pass.
Intimacy is a vital component of any successful relationship, and one key aspect of intimacy is the ability to openly and honestly discuss sex and sexual desires with your partner. In this article, we will delve into the importance of mastering the art of talking about sex, providing you with valuable insights and practical tips to foster a deeper connection with your loved one.
Understanding the Benefits of Open Communication about Sex
When couples engage in open communication about their sexual desires and needs, they unlock a multitude of benefits for their relationship. First and foremost, it strengthens both the emotional and physical intimacy between partners. By discussing your desires, you create an environment of trust and vulnerability that allows for a deeper connection to flourish.
Open communication about sex helps to resolve conflicts and address concerns that may arise. Misunderstandings and unmet expectations can lead to frustration and distance, but by openly discussing your needs, you can identify and address any issues, ensuring a healthier and happier sexual relationship.
Finally, discussing sexual desires promotes sexual satisfaction and exploration. It allows you and your partner to understand each other’s preferences, fantasies, and boundaries, enabling you to explore new experiences together and enhance your shared intimacy.
Creating a Safe and Supportive Environment
To embark on conversations about sex successfully, it is crucial to create a safe and supportive environment for both you and your partner. This begins with establishing trust and non-judgment. Ensure that your partner feels comfortable expressing their desires without fear of criticism or ridicule.
Additionally, setting aside dedicated time for these conversations demonstrates their importance and shows your commitment to understanding and meeting each other’s needs. It could be during a quiet evening at home or on a leisurely walk—choose a setting where you can both relax and focus on the discussion.
Active listening and empathy are also key components of creating a safe space. Truly listen to your partner, without interrupting or imposing your own opinions. Seek to understand their perspective and validate their feelings and desires. This will foster an environment where both of you can be vulnerable and honest.
Breaking the Ice: Initiating the Conversation
Starting the conversation about sex can be daunting, but with the right approach, you can break the ice and create an atmosphere of openness. Choose an appropriate time and place where you can both feel relaxed and uninterrupted. Express your intentions clearly by letting your partner know that you value their satisfaction and want to enhance your sexual connection.
When framing the conversation, focus on the positive aspects. Highlight the benefits of discussing sexual desires and emphasize that it is a natural and essential part of any loving relationship. By approaching the topic with positivity and enthusiasm, you set the tone for a productive and comfortable dialogue.
Effective Communication Techniques
Effective communication techniques play a vital role in discussing sex with your partner. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and desires, as they can help avoid sounding accusatory or critical. For example, say, “I would love to try something new that I’ve been thinking about,” rather than, “You never do anything exciting in bed.”
Active listening is equally important. Show genuine interest in your partner’s perspective and actively listen to their thoughts and feelings. Validate their emotions and let them know that you understand and appreciate their point of view. Additionally, asking open-ended questions encourages deeper conversations and allows for a more comprehensive understanding of each other’s desires.
Non-verbal communication and body language cues can also enhance your conversations about sex. Maintain eye contact, offer reassuring touches, and be mindful of your partner’s reactions. These non-verbal cues help create an atmosphere of comfort and connection.
The Power of Self-Reflection: Understanding and Communicating Your Desires
Self-reflection is a vital component of understanding your own desires, fantasies, and boundaries when it comes to sex. Taking the time to explore your innermost thoughts and feelings empowers you to engage in more meaningful and effective conversations with your partner. Here’s why self-reflection is important and some prompts or exercises to guide you:
1. Understanding Your Own Desires: Self-reflection allows you to delve into your own desires and gain clarity about what truly excites and fulfills you. By understanding your own needs, you can better articulate them to your partner, leading to more satisfying and mutually enjoyable experiences.
Prompts for Self-Reflection:
What activities or experiences have I found pleasurable or fulfilling in the past?
What are my current sexual fantasies or desires?
What turns me on mentally, emotionally, and physically?
Are there any specific boundaries or limits I have regarding sexual activities?
How do I feel about exploring new experiences or pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone?
2. Examining Your Boundaries: Self-reflection helps you identify your personal boundaries and limitations. Understanding what you are comfortable with and what you are not is essential for maintaining a healthy and consensual sexual relationship. It also enables you to communicate your boundaries clearly to your partner.
Prompts for Self-Reflection:
What are my hard limits or non-negotiable boundaries when it comes to sexual activities?
Are there any specific activities or scenarios that make me feel uncomfortable or trigger negative emotions?
How do I feel about experimenting with new activities or fantasies?
What are my emotional and physical limits in terms of intimacy and vulnerability?
3. Exploring Fantasies and Desires: Self-reflection allows you to explore your sexual fantasies and desires in a safe and private space. By understanding and acknowledging your own fantasies, you can communicate them to your partner with confidence, fostering a deeper level of intimacy and understanding.
Prompts for Self-Reflection:
What are my current sexual fantasies or secret desires?
How do these fantasies align with my personal values and boundaries?
Are there any specific scenarios, role-playing, or power dynamics that excite me?
How comfortable am I with sharing my fantasies with my partner?
4. Expressing Yourself Effectively: Self-reflection empowers you to express yourself effectively and confidently when discussing your desires with your partner. It allows you to find the right words and articulate your needs, ensuring that your communication is clear, respectful, and mutually understandable.
Prompts for Self-Reflection:
How can I communicate my desires and boundaries assertively and without judgment?
Are there any fears or insecurities that hinder me from expressing my needs openly?
How can I create a safe and non-judgmental space for open conversations with my partner?
Am I actively listening to my partner’s needs and desires, and how can I improve in this area?
Engaging in self-reflection exercises or prompts can be a transformative and empowering journey. Remember, self-discovery is an ongoing process, and your desires may evolve over time. By understanding your own desires, boundaries, and fantasies, you equip yourself with the knowledge and confidence to engage in open, meaningful, and fulfilling conversations with your partner, fostering a deeper connection and greater sexual satisfaction for both of you.
The Power of Active Listening: Techniques and Tips for Effective Communication
Active listening is a crucial skill when discussing sex and desires with your partner. It involves not just hearing their words but fully engaging and understanding their perspective. Here are specific techniques and tips to enhance your active listening skills during these intimate conversations:
Paraphrasing and Summarizing: After your partner expresses their thoughts or desires, paraphrase their statements to ensure you have understood them correctly. Rephrase their words in your own language and repeat it back to them. This demonstrates that you are actively listening and seeking clarity. Additionally, summarizing their main points can help solidify your understanding and encourage further discussion.
Example: “So, if I understand correctly, you’re saying that you’d like to try incorporating more sensory stimulation during our intimate moments, like using scented candles and soft music. Is that right?”
Reflective Listening: Reflective listening goes beyond paraphrasing; it involves acknowledging and validating your partner’s emotions. Pay attention to the underlying feelings behind their words and reflect them back to your partner. This shows empathy and creates a safe space for them to express themselves authentically.
Example: “It sounds like you feel a bit anxious about sharing your fantasies with me. I want you to know that I appreciate your vulnerability and am here to listen without judgment.”
Non-Verbal Cues: Remember that active listening extends beyond words. Your non-verbal cues, such as eye contact, facial expressions, and body language, play a significant role in conveying your attentiveness and interest. Maintain eye contact, nod to show understanding, and use open and welcoming body language to indicate your engagement in the conversation.
Avoid Interruptions and Distractions: Give your partner your undivided attention during these discussions. Avoid interrupting or interjecting with your own thoughts before they have finished speaking. Put away distractions like phones or electronic devices to demonstrate your commitment to active listening.
Ask Clarifying Questions: If there are aspects that you’re uncertain about or need further elaboration on, don’t hesitate to ask clarifying questions. Seek specific details or examples to deepen your understanding and ensure that you are on the same page. This shows your genuine interest and commitment to comprehending their perspective.
Example: “When you mention wanting to explore new experiences, could you give me an example of something specific you have in mind?”
Practice Empathy and Open-Mindedness: Approach these conversations with empathy and an open mind. Set aside any preconceived notions or judgments you may have. Try to understand your partner’s feelings and desires from their unique perspective, even if they differ from your own. Validate their emotions and experiences without dismissing or invalidating them.
Active listening is a continuous process that requires practice and patience. By incorporating these techniques into your discussions about sex and desires, you create an environment of trust, understanding, and mutual respect. Your partner will feel heard and valued, fostering a stronger connection and deeper intimacy between you both.
Navigating Difficult Topics and Overcoming Challenges
While discussing sex can be exciting and fulfilling, it can also bring forth challenges and sensitive topics. It’s essential to approach these conversations with sensitivity and compassion. If either partner has insecurities or fears, provide reassurance and create a safe space for open dialogue.
Differences in sexual preferences may arise, but it is essential to approach them with understanding and respect. Find ways to compromise or explore alternatives that can satisfy both partners. If deeper issues related to past traumas or experiences surface, it may be necessary to seek professional help to navigate these complexities together.
Enhancing Intimacy through Exploration and Experimentation
Once you have established open communication, don’t be afraid to explore and experiment together. Encourage mutual consent and respect each other’s boundaries. Share your fantasies and desires, and be open to discovering new experiences and techniques. Regularly check in with each other to ensure that you are meeting each other’s evolving needs.
Dealing with Rejection or Disagreements
Rejection or disagreements regarding sexual desires can be challenging to navigate, but they don’t have to be detrimental to your relationship. It is crucial to respect your partner’s boundaries and limits. If they express discomfort or say no to a particular desire, honor their decision without pressuring or resenting them.
Managing rejection requires empathy and understanding. Remember that everyone has different preferences and comfort levels. Approach the situation with compassion and maintain emotional connection even when desires differ. By keeping the lines of communication open, you can find compromises or alternatives that maintain the intimate bond between you and your partner.
Navigating Cultural and Gender Dynamics in Discussions about Sex
It is crucial to acknowledge that cultural and gender factors can significantly impact discussions about sex within a relationship. Societal norms, values, and expectations regarding sexuality can vary widely, and individuals may have different comfort levels when it comes to expressing their desires. Navigating these dynamics sensitively and respectfully is key to fostering open conversations about sex. Here are some guidelines to help you navigate cultural and gender influences in your discussions:
Recognize and Respect Diverse Cultural Perspectives: Understand that cultural backgrounds can shape beliefs, attitudes, and expectations around sex. Be sensitive to the influence of cultural norms on your own views and those of your partner. Foster an open-minded approach that values and respects diverse cultural perspectives on sexuality.
Communicate About Expectations: Cultural expectations regarding gender roles, power dynamics, and sexual practices can vary. It is essential to have open conversations about your unique experiences, expectations, and any potential tensions that may arise due to cultural differences. Encourage your partner to share their perspectives and actively listen without judgment.
Embrace a Non-Judgmental Stance: When discussing sex, create a safe and non-judgmental environment where both partners feel comfortable expressing their desires, boundaries, and concerns. Be mindful of any cultural or societal biases that may inadvertently influence your reactions or judgments. Approach the conversation with curiosity and a genuine desire to understand your partner’s point of view.
Seek Empathy and Understanding: Cultural and gender dynamics can create power imbalances within a relationship. It is essential to be mindful of these dynamics and strive for equality and mutual respect. Practice empathy by putting yourself in your partner’s shoes and seeking to understand their experiences within their cultural context. Validate their feelings and perspectives, even if they differ from your own.
Educate Yourself: Take the initiative to educate yourself about different cultural and gender perspectives on sex. Read books, articles, or engage in respectful discussions to broaden your understanding. This knowledge will enable you to approach conversations with cultural sensitivity, avoiding assumptions or stereotypes.
Emphasize Consent and Agency: Regardless of cultural or gender influences, consent and agency should always be central in discussions about sex. Encourage open conversations about consent, ensuring that both partners have equal decision-making power and respect each other’s boundaries. Prioritize enthusiastic and ongoing consent throughout your sexual relationship.
Seek Support and Resources: If navigating cultural or gender dynamics becomes challenging, seek professional guidance. A sex therapist or relationship counselor can provide specialized support and strategies to navigate these complexities effectively.
Remember, the goal is to foster open conversations that honor and respect the unique experiences, expectations, and cultural backgrounds of both you and your partner. By creating an inclusive and understanding space, you can strengthen your bond and cultivate a healthier and more fulfilling sexual relationship.
The Crucial Role of Consent in Sexual Relationships: Integrating Open Communication
Consent forms the foundation of healthy and respectful sexual relationships. It is essential to recognize and prioritize the importance of consent in all sexual encounters. Open communication plays a pivotal role in obtaining and respecting consent, ensuring that both partners feel safe, respected, and in control. Here’s why consent matters and how you can integrate it into your sexual discussions and encounters:
Understanding Consent: Consent is an ongoing, enthusiastic, and voluntary agreement between all parties involved in a sexual encounter. It is essential that consent is clear, unambiguous, and freely given without coercion, manipulation, or pressure. Consent must be actively communicated and can be withdrawn at any point if one or both partners no longer feel comfortable.
The Importance of Open Communication: Open communication is the key to obtaining and respecting consent. By fostering an environment of trust and respect, you and your partner can openly discuss boundaries, desires, and preferences. Here’s how to integrate consent into your sexual discussions and encounters:
Establish Consent as a Shared Value: Begin by having a conversation with your partner about the importance of consent. Emphasize that it is a fundamental aspect of your sexual relationship and that both of you are committed to practicing consent at all times.
Discuss Boundaries and Preferences: Engage in open and non-judgmental conversations about each other’s boundaries, desires, and comfort levels. Encourage your partner to express what they are comfortable with, what they are not, and any specific limits they may have. Share your own boundaries as well. Remember, consent is an ongoing process, and boundaries may evolve over time, so make it a regular topic of discussion.
Use Clear and Affirmative Language: When initiating sexual activities, use clear and affirmative language to seek consent. Ask for explicit verbal consent for each new activity or progression. For example, phrases like “Is it okay if I…?” or “Would you like me to…?” can be used to ensure that both partners are on the same page and comfortable with the next step.
Prioritize Enthusiastic Consent: Strive for enthusiastic consent, which means that both partners are actively and eagerly participating. Pay attention to verbal and non-verbal cues that indicate enthusiasm, such as verbal expressions of desire, positive body language, and active engagement. Silence or hesitation should be interpreted as a lack of consent or a request for further communication.
Communicate Throughout the Encounter: Consent is not a one-time event; it should be ongoing throughout the sexual encounter. Continuously check in with your partner, both verbally and non-verbally, to ensure that they are still comfortable and consenting. Encourage open communication during the experience, allowing both partners to voice any concerns, desires, or changes in boundaries.
Respect Withdrawn Consent: It is essential to respect and honor the withdrawal of consent at any point. If your partner expresses discomfort, uses a safeword, or communicates a desire to stop or slow down, immediately cease the activity and provide emotional support. Create a judgment-free environment where your partner feels empowered to communicate their needs and boundaries without fear of repercussions.
Regularly Revisit and Reassess Consent: Consent can evolve over time, and it is crucial to revisit and reassess it regularly. Check in with your partner outside of sexual encounters to discuss any changes in boundaries, desires, or concerns. Regular communication ensures that both partners’ consent is continually upheld and respected.
By integrating open communication and enthusiastic consent into your sexual discussions and encounters, you create an environment of trust, respect, and mutual understanding. This approach fosters a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship where both partners can freely and confidently explore their desires while feeling safe and respected. Remember, consent is an ongoing process that requires active participation from both individuals involved, and it should always be at the forefront of your sexual interactions.
The Powerful Connection Between Emotional and Sexual Intimacy
Emotional and sexual intimacy are deeply interconnected aspects of a fulfilling relationship. They mutually influence and enhance one another, creating a profound bond between partners. By engaging in open discussions about sexual desires and needs, couples can foster emotional connection, while emotional vulnerability can enrich sexual satisfaction and build trust. Let’s explore the dynamic relationship between emotional and sexual intimacy:
Fostering Emotional Connection through Discussions about Desires:
When partners engage in open and honest conversations about their sexual desires and needs, it creates a space of vulnerability and trust. Here’s how discussing sexual desires can foster emotional connection:
Heightened Intimacy: Sharing intimate details about one’s desires and fantasies builds a deeper emotional connection. It shows a willingness to be vulnerable and allows partners to see and understand each other’s innermost desires and preferences.
Enhanced Communication: Talking about sexual desires requires effective communication, active listening, and empathy. This process helps develop communication skills that can extend beyond sexual discussions, improving overall communication in the relationship.
Mutual Understanding and Acceptance: Engaging in discussions about desires helps partners understand each other’s unique perspectives and preferences. This understanding fosters acceptance, reducing judgment or misunderstanding and creating a safe space for exploration.
Building Trust: Sharing desires requires trust and vulnerability. When partners openly express their needs without fear of judgment or rejection, it deepens the trust between them. This trust extends to other aspects of the relationship, promoting overall relationship satisfaction.
The Role of Emotional Vulnerability in Sexual Satisfaction:
Emotional vulnerability is essential for establishing a strong foundation of sexual satisfaction and trust. Here’s how emotional vulnerability can enhance sexual experiences:
Increased Intimacy and Connection: When partners feel emotionally safe to be vulnerable, it paves the way for a deeper level of intimacy during sexual encounters. Sharing emotions, fears, and insecurities allows for a stronger emotional bond, leading to enhanced sexual satisfaction.
Heightened Sensitivity and Responsiveness: Emotional vulnerability enables partners to be more attuned to each other’s needs and emotions during sexual experiences. This heightened sensitivity enhances responsiveness, leading to more fulfilling and satisfying encounters.
Overcoming Insecurities and Shame: By embracing emotional vulnerability, individuals can address insecurities and shame related to their bodies, desires, or past experiences. This self-acceptance promotes a healthier body image and enables individuals to fully engage in and enjoy their sexual experiences.
Deepened Trust and Emotional Safety: Opening up emotionally fosters a sense of trust and emotional safety within the relationship. Feeling secure in sharing vulnerable aspects of one’s self allows partners to let go of inhibitions and fully explore their desires together.
Intertwined Emotional and Physical Pleasure: Emotional vulnerability encourages partners to focus not just on physical pleasure but also on emotional connection and mutual satisfaction. This holistic approach leads to a more fulfilling and meaningful sexual experience for both individuals.
By recognizing the powerful connection between emotional and sexual intimacy, couples can cultivate a deeper level of understanding, trust, and satisfaction. Engaging in open discussions about sexual desires and needs while embracing emotional vulnerability enhances the overall quality of the relationship and creates a solid foundation for a fulfilling and passionate connection.
Evolving Sexual Desires and Needs in Long-Term Relationships: Nurturing Open Communication
In long-term relationships, it is natural for sexual desires and needs to evolve and change over time. As individuals grow and develop, so do their preferences and expectations when it comes to intimacy. Nurturing open communication about sex is crucial to adapting and sustaining a fulfilling sexual connection as the relationship progresses. Here’s advice on how to navigate these changes and ensure that both partners feel heard and fulfilled:
1. Embrace Change and Growth: Recognize that sexual desires and needs can evolve over time. Embrace this change as a natural part of the relationship journey. Understand that what satisfied you and your partner in the past may not be the same as what excites you both now. Approach these changes with curiosity and an open mind.
2. Create a Safe and Non-Judgmental Space: Establish a safe and non-judgmental space where both partners feel comfortable expressing their evolving desires and needs. Encourage open dialogue by assuring your partner that their thoughts and feelings will be received with understanding and respect. Avoid shaming or dismissing their desires, even if they differ from your own.
3. Regularly Check-In: Make it a habit to regularly check in with each other about your sexual experiences and satisfaction. Schedule dedicated times to have conversations about your evolving desires and needs. This ensures that both partners have an opportunity to express themselves and be heard.
4. Practice Active Listening: When discussing evolving sexual desires and needs, practice active listening. Be fully present and attentive to your partner’s words, emotions, and non-verbal cues. Seek to understand their perspective without interrupting or dismissing their thoughts. Paraphrase their statements and reflect back what you’ve understood to ensure clarity.
5. Share Vulnerability and Fantasies: Encourage each other to share vulnerabilities and fantasies openly. Creating a space where both partners feel safe to express their deepest desires fosters intimacy and trust. Discussing fantasies can also lead to new and exciting experiences that fulfill both partners’ evolving needs.
6. Explore Together: Approach the evolution of sexual desires and needs as an opportunity for exploration and growth as a couple. Discuss new experiences, techniques, or fantasies that you both may be interested in exploring. This shared journey of discovery strengthens your bond and promotes ongoing sexual satisfaction.
7. Seek Professional Support: If navigating these changes becomes challenging, consider seeking support from a sex therapist or relationship counselor. These professionals can provide guidance and tools to help navigate evolving sexual desires and foster open communication within the relationship.
Remember, open communication about evolving sexual desires and needs is a continuous process. It requires ongoing effort and a willingness to adapt and grow together. By nurturing open dialogue, embracing change, and exploring new experiences, you can sustain a fulfilling and intimate sexual connection throughout the course of your long-term relationship.
Unlocking intimacy through open and honest conversations about sex is a powerful tool for deepening your connection with your loved one. By creating a safe and supportive environment, using effective communication techniques, navigating difficult topics with sensitivity, and embracing exploration, you can master the art of talking about sex. Through these conversations, you will build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship, and embark on a journey of shared pleasure and intimacy that will continue to evolve and grow.
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