There’s still so much stigma around the topic of sex but these authors don’t shy away from every detail you need to know to score the best kind. From breaking down the science behind it to illustrating ALL the positions, these books will help you and your partner understand more about what it is you’re doing, how to build more intimacy and ultimately have a little more fun in the hay. Enjoy!
Scientists are learning more about how women’s sexuality works and Come as You Are explains it all. One nugget: we all have our own sexuality, like fingerprints, plus learn to understand how stress, mood, trust, and body image are central to a woman’s sexual well-being and how to influence these factors for better sex.
NYC couples therapist Esther Perel, a respected voice on “erotic intelligence,” goes into how to keep sexual desire sustainable when you’re in a long-term relationship/married. Perel’s witty, wise and straightforward advice made this one an international bestseller.
Based on the popular research behind her Whores of Yore project, Kate Lister uses humor and a sharp wit to write about the history of sex, debunking myths, challenging stereotypes and making you wonder has anything really changed?
Cosmopolitan has never been shy about the topic of sex and here the editors have put together a guide of sex positions and hot tips to get you and your someone in the mood.
Gregoire talks about the physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects of sex compared to our culture’s obsession on the more shallow aspects. Hear from other “good girls” on how to truly enjoy sex in marriage.
The best-selling author of Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers takes another hilarious and OMG look at the science behind making sex so much more satisfying. She answers all the questions: Can you think yourself to an orgasm? Why doesn’t Viagra help women? Is vaginal orgasm a myth? And more.
The title says it all: 366 positions, leap year included!, to keep things exciting and calorie-burning (for real, they crunched the numbers) this year and beyond. Grab a rocking chair, cowboy hat and other “equipment” to experiment with your favorite bed buddy.
Dr. Faith, the best-selling author of Unf*ck Your Brain, breaks down the rules (and science) for being in a loving, intimate relationship with yourself and others. This is a great read for those healing from a past relationship and who want to make better choices in the next one, or those looking to rekindle some magic with the one you love.
You’ve probably heard a thing or two about BDSM(at the very least, you’ve watched Fifty Shades of Grey and thought about converting your S.O.’s video game room into a red room). The term stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadochism and machocism.
Maybe you’ve dabbled in it a bit, maybe you haven’t. But for those who are interested in spicing up their sex life in both an emotional and physical way, you might want to learn about shibari—BDSM’s sort-of, kind-of cousin.
If you’ve already binged Netflix’s new dating show Too Hot to Handle, you probably saw the contestants practice shibari in one of the challenges and thought: Wait, what the hell is happening? And while I personally loved seeing Harry getting tied up, I’m p sure the show isn’t the best place for understanding and learning what shibari is (lol)—but thankfully, this article is.
Not only can shibari be enjoyed by all genders, body types, and sexual orientations, but it’s a great means to bring healthy communication, trust, and spice into your sex life. With the help of four experts, here’s everything you need to know about the rope bondage about to change your sex life.
Okay, so what is shibari?
“Shibari is a contemporary form of rope bondage that originated in Japan. Sometimes it’s called kinbaku, but it’s most simply referred to as Japanese bondage,” says sexologist Midori, author of Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage. And yes, while shibari can be used as a means for sexual pleasure, historically, it’s been used as a form of meditation, relaxation, and trust-building practice between two partners, says sexpert Gabi Levi.
(Fun fact to impress your friends on trivia night with: The word shibari actually means “tying” and kinbaku means “tight binding,” says Jonathan Ryan, an international rope artist based in Seattle.)
How is it different than regular bondage?
Bondage, in general, can use any kind of restriction—handcuffs, tape, ties, scarves, etc.—but shibari refers exclusively to the practice of using rope, or rope-like material, to bind yourself or partner, says sex educator Rev. Rucifer. “Shibari is often not just about the sensation of restriction, but also about the intimate connection between the rigger and receiver.”
And while rope bondage is used commonly in BDSM practices anyway, “Shibari stands out for its striking visual aesthetic and emphasis on the emotional and psychological connection between the participants,” says Ryan.
How should you and your partner start if you’re interested in trying shibari?
Like engaging in any new sexual experience, communicating your boundaries and hard limits prior to beginning is a must. “Because rope bondage involves restraint and power dynamics, the person being tied may not express boundaries clearly,” says Ryan. “For that reason, be sure to have a clear discussion beforehand about what you both want out of the experience, what is on and off the table, and how you’ll communicate if there is an issue,” he continues.
It’s worth developing a safe word (like “pineapple” or “red”) that could relay to your partner the scene is going too far or there’s a boundary being crossed. Here are some questions you should ask and answer with your partner beforehand:
What do you look and sound like when things feel good to you?
How will I know if you’re having fun?
How will I know when I need to change course?
What kind of mood or feelings do we want to have while we play (rough, tender, naughty, cared for, etc.)?
Once you have boundaries established, you should get familiar with the basics. Here are some things you’ll need to know in order to get started:
Learn how to tie a “single-column tie” (like a Somerville Bowline) because that’s the foundation of the practice, suggests Ryan. Here’s a video tutorial.
Start with a floor tie rather than going straight into suspension, says Rucifer. This ensures that you practice the proper methods before jumping into in-air suspension.
Have safety sheers on hand… for obvious reasons.
Make sure you have a safe and comfortable space to play. It should be familiar to both parties.
The preferred material of rope is jute because it’s a strong natural fiber, but hemp and cotton will work too.
Lastly, educate yourself with videos, resources, books, and anything else you can find on the subject to ensure healthy and safe practices. This rope bottom guide is great if you want to be the person tied up. This website offers general education about shibari from trained educators. And this how-to video can properly get you started if you’re new to this world.
So why should my partner and I try shibari instead of regular bondage?
All BDSM practices require high levels of trust and communication, but for shibari, there’s sometimes a more intimate and emotionally-binding (pun intended) component to it. “The sensation of being tied up is not the sensation of being ‘trapped’ but rather lends itself to the idea of completely letting go of the physical bounds and allowing for that deep, emotional catharsis to take place,” says Levi.
“The play between the power dynamics and the release of control from the bottom to the top creates an intimate dance of trust and connection between partners. This often creates deep emotional connection, sometimes experienced as crying, euphoria or simply a feeling of a deeper connection,” says Rucifer.
Any tips, tricks, or benefits of trying shibari?
Blindfolds will make everything significantly more fun. “These take the pressure off the new adventurer and enhance the sensation for the person bottoming,” says Midori.
Keep things simple and sexy. No need to overcomplicate the ties.
Relish in the untying part too—don’t just focus on the aesthetics of tying your partner. “Take your time to savor that—it’s often when the skin and body is really awake to sensuality,” says Midori.
Let’s be real. Even for those of us who have a generally open-minded, been-there-done-that attitude about sex, the thought of anal sex can still seem a little scary if you’ve gone there. For one reason or another, anal is usually the final frontier sexually — and there can be a whole lot of buildup.
But our greatest fears often lie in anticipation, and once you give anal a go, you might just find that you’ve been missing out on something that can actually be really hot and satisfying. We checked in with some experts and asked them to take the mystery out of anal sex, and they schooled us on some positions that can help ease you into your first time to actually make it an enjoyable experience.
Arm yourself with these tips and a lot of lube, and you’re on your way to one kick-ass time.
Cowgirl (or cowboy)
In the traditional cowgirl position, your partner lies down while you mount on top — yeehaw! As the partner on top, you can ease into anal penetration by moving up or down as needed. Pro tip: Make sure your bottom partner does not begin to thrust until you’re good and ready.
Certified Master Sex Expert and Educator, Sex Coach and “So Tight” Sensual Fitness Personal Trainer Nikki Ransom endorses the cowgirl position for anal newbies. She explains, “This position will allow you to control the pace and depth that his penis goes inside of you. Remember to go at an easy pace and stay relaxed. It helps to have had an orgasm already and be highly aroused.”
Jessica O’Reilly (a.k.a. Dr. Jess, Ph.D.), author, international speaker and PlayboyTV’s sexologist, offers an alternative to the cowgirl in her book The New Sex Bible, “If she doesn’t like the sensation of deep penetration, but he desires more stimulation against the base of his shaft, she can reach backwards with a warm, wet hand to grasp the lower half of his shaft. Her hand becomes an extension of her butt while providing a physical buffer to ensure only shallow penetration.”
Doggy style
This position is most often associated with anal because it has major advantages. As the partner on the bottom, you can stay loose as you control penetration to increase pleasure. Getting busy on all fours may be your best bet if you have attempted and found anal painful in the past.
Patricia Johnson and Mark Michaels, co-authors of Designer Relationships, Partners in Passion, Great Sex Made Simple, Tantra for Erotic Empowerment and The Essence of Tantric Sexuality, recommend doggy style for first-timers and those who may have had an unpleasant experience before. The couple says, “Anal sex should never be painful. Always use plenty of lube and proceed slowly and gently.” Ransom adds, “Rub and stimulate your clitoris too to make it even more pleasurable.”
In The New Sex Bible, Dr. Jess has a different take on doggy-style anal sex. She recommends the modified doggy to give the receptive partner more control, support intimacy and provide the opportunity for double penetration. Dr. Jess explains, “She assumes a kneeling position with her butt cheeks on her heels and her knees spread wide open. She places her hands on her knees or the bed for support. He assumes the same position behind her and adjusts his height so that the head of his [penis] rests below her bum. He remains static as she lowers herself onto his head and takes a few deep breaths before sliding farther down his shaft. She drives her butt and hips up and down at her own pace as he reaches around to fondle her breasts or rub her clitoris.”
Face to face
This position is preferred if you are looking for extra intimacy during the act. Start with your partner sitting as you mount his lap, face-to-face. Once again — as the partner on top, you can control depth of penetration to stay comfy. Face-to-face anal has the added bonus of extra stimulation for a woman: breasts, clitoris, go crazy!
Johnson and Michaels love face-to-face anal for the toe-tingling intimacy it provides. They confirm, “This position facilitates using eye contact and breath to build even more arousal.”
Dr. Jess agrees. She says, “I like this position as it allows the ‘mounter’ to exercise a good amount of control of the depth and rhythm of penetration. Wear a vibrating c*** ring for this one to provide extra pleasurable sensations as the top partner grinds against his shaft.”
Good old missionary with a twist
When it comes to anal, missionary will never steer you wrong. Approach this favorite vanilla sex position with a backdoor twist: In the missionary position, place your legs on his shoulders. With the right amount of lube and relaxation, even initial penetration should be pleasurable.
Missionary is easy-peasy for most maiden voyages, but Johnson and Michaels caution that this anal move may not work for everyone, “Some people may not be sufficiently flexible for this position.” For those who are flexible and looking to try new things, Dr. Jess explains her take on missionary, “Better yet, place the soles of your feet against his shoulders so that you can push back and release according to your preferences.”
On the stomach
Anal on the stomach is comfortable and easy, with the right prep work beforehand. First-timers can relax and make penetration enjoyable by lying on top of a pillow placed under the stomach. For women, this elevates the backside nicely and still gives enough room to stimulate other body parts.
Johnson and Michaels recommend incorporating sex toys into the act to keep things interesting, “This is a great position for stimulating your own clitoris or using a vibrator.”
Because of the opportunity for sex toy play, Dr. Jess adds that on-the-stomach anal can be especially favorable to the ladies. She says, “This is one of the best anal sex positions for women (as the receptive partner), as she can reach down to stimulate her pubic mound and clitoral shaft with her hand or a flat vibrator (try the We-Vibe Touch). The dual stimulation helps to increase arousal, which heightens relaxation to create a cascade of orgasmic sensations.”
Spooning, with a twist
We are all familiar with spooning for some great side-by-side action. Spooning is also a top choice for anal since both partners are more likely to be relaxed. As the “little spoon,” you can make penetration easier by curling up and pulling your upper legs slightly toward your upper body. And while you’re at it, here’s a naughty little secret to double your pleasure — use a vibrator to get to the finish line.
According to Dr. Jess, spooning is the perfect first-time anal position for lovers. Johnson and Michaels add a helpful tip from their own bedroom experience, “You can give your partner a better view of the action by holding your upper leg just below the knee and opening up.”
Ransom also believes that spooning is ideal for a pleasurable beginner anal experience. “This is a great position to stay relaxed in. It also allows for clitoral stimulation and vaginal stimulation for a trigasm.” She advises, “Stay relaxed — your partner should enter you an inch at a time. Then, allow your anus to become accustomed and relax around his penis. Then [he can] enter you another inch and another, and continue until he is all the way in. Be sure to have plenty of lubrication with any anal penetration.”
It’s going to be a quiet Friday night. The coronavirus lockdown has officially begun, pubs, restaurants, gyms and other public spaces have to close up shop for the forseeable future.
So, what can you spend the rest of the weekend doing?
You already know what we’re going to say, but let’s say it anyway: having sex.
If you’re self-isolating with someone else, this is prime opportunity to jump each other’s bones and give yourselves a nice hit of dopamine and endorphins (the ‘happy hormones’) at the same time.
But the lockdown could, unfortunately, go on for quite a while.
So, to keep your sex life from becoming stale, we ask sex experts to share their top tips for how to keep things spicy in the bedroom.
Think outside the box (bedroom)
‘Don’t restrict yourself to the bed, be creative in your space,’ says Asa Baav, sex expert and founder of Tailor Matched.
‘Think up against the wall, up against a mirror, the shower, kitchen tops and for those of you who want to be more risqué, use your balcony [with caution] or up against the window.’
Asa says: ‘Masturbating with a partner helps you learn about each other’s bodies and a great way to show them exactly how they like to be stroked.’
An added bonus to mutual masturbation is that you’re effectively teasing each other, which could add to the eventual climax.
Want to take it up a notch? Masturbate in turns, and watch each other as you do.
Don’t have sex
Let us, or rather, Lelo’s sex expert Kate Moyles, explain.
‘Take the time to explore a different area of self-development, for example sex and sexuality,’ she tell us.
‘The common misunderstanding is that changing your sex life all has to happen in the bedroom or with a partner.
‘But exploring new podcasts, Ted Talks, books, online courses and workbooks can really help you to expand your thinking and open up your perspective and learning when it comes to sex.’
Indulge in sensory play
Asa says: ‘Use hot and cold play, think ice cubes and wax candles and massage oil.
‘Play with the sensation of soft and rough textures to entice your senses.’
If you didn’t happen to pick up any oils or sensory lubes during the stockpiling shop, don’t worry.
Firstly, sex toy sites still deliver – but more importantly, you can find items in your home. Think feathers (from a pillow, perhaps), the aforementioned ice cubes or just run your tongue up and down your partner’s body.
You can also blindfold them to heighten other senses and venture into BDSM, if you fancy it (spanking).
‘Indulge in a bit of light bondage (tying your partner’s hands or legs),’ says Duchess Iphie, a relationship, sex and intimacy coach, and the founder of Duchess Secrets.
‘This is about power and as long as there is consent and a safe word, you can have fun letting your partner have full control of your arousal, desires and orgasms.’
Get the toys out
Do you have a vibrator at home? Get it out during sex and crank up the heat.
‘If you have toys with apps that you can choose vibrations – get your partner to be in a separate room and try different vibrations and intensities from “afar”- give them the control,’ says Dominnique Karetsos, founder of The Intimology Institute, the school for sexual wellness.
‘Like the game Marco Polo – only you know you’re closer by the sound of moans of ecstasy.’
Try a new sex position
Duchess also shares some new positions for couples try, such as:
The sea turtle: One person curls their legs up and the other enters from a kneeling position (penis or strap-on required). Use a pillow to raise the recipient’s lower back, so their partner can stroke their body at the same time.
The upside-down cake: It’s super-easy. Just find a stable surface, like a table, where one person lies down flat on their back on something that supports their weight, while the other person, er, thrusts.
The ease-in: Lay on your back comfortably while the other person eases in backwards. Couples can enjoy varying the angle of penetration to stimulate different sensations, or throw in a toy for some extra vibrations.
Give your partner an intimate massage
Now that you have more time on your hands, why not use them? (The hands, that is).
Think beyond genitals to other erogenous zones such as ear lobes, the small of the back, the inner wrist, the armpits and behind the knee. Run your fingers down your partner’s body and see which touches, and which areas, make their body react.
‘Massage of feet, scratch their back and don’t forget to stroke the whole body as a way of finding each other’s erogenous zones,’ says Asa.
Don’t have any massage oil? Try olive oil – it’s great for the skin (but beware, it might stain your sheets).
Embrace the dirty talk
If you’ve always dreamed of someone putting you across their lap and spanking you, trying a new sexual position or engaging in some role play, maybe the first step would be to talk to your partner about your fantasies.
Asa says: ‘A helpful way to start a conversation about your turn-ons, fantasies, and boundaries, is making a “yes/no/maybe” list with your partner for the night event, what do feel like today?
‘Write down any sexual acts that come to mind, and then both you and your partner take turns marking each as a yes, no, or maybe.
‘This can be a sexy and fun way to get to know each other better and explore things you may not have considered before.’
Single? Keep your eye out for our sexy guide to self-isolating solo.
Kinky sex covers a whole host of sexy things, from BDSM and power play to fetish and role play. It can be confusing to understand exactly what counts as kinky sex, and how you can do it yourself. So if you’re looking to get into kink for the first time, or you want more tips on how to do it safely, here is everything you need to know.
What is kinky sex?
Kinky sex basically includes any kind of sexual activity that is related to power, says Lianne Young, sex and relationships expert and counsellor, and writer for House of Ardent. A big part of this is BDSM, which stands for dominance and submission, bondage and discipline, and sadomasochism, though BDSM isn’t the only thing that qualifies as kink.
What does kinky sex include?
There are plenty of sexual acts that can be counted as kink. These can include:
BDSM, including dominance and submission, and humiliation and power.
Accessories. This can include anything from bondage materials, to latex gloves, cock rings, pin wheels, and even “putting someone in a cage and treating them like a dog,” says Lianne. If you want to involve pain or humiliation, try spitting on someone or spanking them using a cane, whip, ruler and paddle, Lianne continues.
Electric shocks. Taking kink play to the extreme, some companies like Electrastim sell electric shock apparatus to be used for sexual pleasure, adds Lianne.
What are the origins of kinky sex?
The term ‘kink’ was historically used to describe any sexual activity that bends or ‘kinks’ away from the norm. Even today, some aspects of psychiatry still refer to kinky activities like fetishism, sadism and masochism as “paraphilias“, or “abnormal sexual desires”, with these normal and consensual behaviours listed alongside things like paedophilia. However, ‘kink’ is generally now used as a positive term.
“We can really question this whole idea of ‘abnormal’ sex,” says Meg-John Barker, author of Enjoy Sex and host of the Meg-John and Justin podcast. “Actually the number of people who feel some desire for being tied up, or spanked, for example, is higher than the number of people who don’t.”
How is kinky sex different from adventurous sex?
Adventurous sex means venturing outside of your normal boundaries or activities, while kinky sex is more to do with power play, says Lianne. Adventurous sex might be something simple like introducing a vibrator or having a threesome, while kink is often more about power and fantasy.
However, Lianne adds that kink isn’t just about power. “It’s also an important way of enhancing a couple’s relationship through consensual acts involving pain, control and role play.”
Kinky sex ideas to try
Keep things simple
Lianne suggests starting with an easy role playing scenario, like pretending you don’t know each other and chatting each other up in a bar.
Combine pain and pleasure
Pain and pleasure really compliment one another,” says Lianne. “Try ass spanking and then clit stimulation instantly after one another and keep repeating this.” If you’re new to pain, Lianne recommends building up your pain resistance rather than going all out straight away.
Try bondage
Start with a beginners’ bondage kit if you want to experiment with restraint, but make sure you read the instructions to stay safe. “Being tied up can feel adventurous, and if added with a blindfold you can play with the senses of sight, hearing, taste, touch and imagination. The brain is the biggest sex organ,” explains Lianne.
If you’re trying any kind of bondage or dominance and submission, it’s crucial that you discuss boundaries and establish a safe word or signal before starting.
Dress up and use accessories
Good costumes to start with can be latex or PVC, says Lianne, or you can try dressing up as a character. It can also be fun to include accessories, like vibrators, cock rings, candle wax and lotions.
Read erotic stories
If you’re new to kink, reading erotic stories online can give you ideas of different scenes to play out, suggests Lianne.
Do what feels right
While a list of kinky ideas might be useful for some people, Meg-John says it’s better to start with what excites you personally. “For most people it’s not about specific positions or scenarios, but rather playing with different roles or sensations. A great idea to start with is to do something like Betty Martin’s three minute game because that enables you to practice consent as well as figuring out what roles and sensations you might enjoy.
“You might also find Justin and my ‘Make Your Own Sex Manual’ and ‘Erotic Fantasies’ zines helpful for tuning into what you’re into and communicating it. These include making your own ‘yes, no, maybe’ list of things you’d like to try, and as well as plenty of suggestions for fantasies, erotic fiction, or ethical porn,” they continue.
Kinky sex positions to try
Sex positions for kinky sex depend on the scenario being played out, but Lianne suggests being bent over a counter, chair, bed, or specialised sex apparatus, especially if you’re trying bondage or spanking.
“Try being tied to a chair with legs spread apart and hands tied behind you. Get your partner to add a blindfold so you don’t know what’s going to happen next. Kink play is about using your imagination and letting someone take control, or being in control, with someone you trust,” says Lianne.
Positions that help you look into each other’s eyes can be great, as this enhances the feeling of being submissive or dominant, and kneeling also has the same effect, Lianne adds.
Safety tips for kinky sex
“Discuss what you’re going to do before you do it, have a safe word ready and don’t push boundaries,” says Lianne
However, it’s important to remember that a lot of the rules for kinky sex still apply to all sex. “For all sex it’s a great idea to talk ahead about what you like and dislike, and any limits that you have,” says Meg-John.
When it comes to safe words and signals, plan how you’ll check in beforehand. Meg-John suggests the traffic light system (red for stop, yellow for slow down, or green for keep going). If you want to use a non-verbal stop signal, tapping your partner to an agreed rhythm is a good idea.
It can also be useful to discuss any trauma experiences you’ve had and what your triggers might be.
Consent is also crucial, and of course this applies to any kind of sex. Meg-John suggests using their consent checklist if you are unsure.
What you should know if you’re trying kink for the first time
If you’re interested in trying something kinky, you need to make sure your partner is on the same page first. Lianne suggests sitting them down and explaining your fantasy to them first. Don’t worry if it’s not as great as you expected first time around. Practise makes perfect.
Why do people enjoy kinky sex?
Kink is a great way of experimenting and mixing things up in the bedroom. As Lianne puts it, “do you eat the same cuisine every evening? Or do you occasionally treat yourself to take away?
“Sex play is the same and should have added spice occasionally – and it’s very healthy. Sex is about enjoyment.”
Meg-John adds that kink can reveal a lot about our subconscious desires. “Many of us eroticise the tough things that have happened in our lives, so it’s very common for people to be turned on by the idea of being controlled, or someone having power over them, or some kind of punishment or humiliation,” they explain.
However, kink doesn’t just have to be about your subconscious psyche. “The things we enjoy can simply be fun and playful, things that feel nice to our bodies, or things that help us to connect to another person. There can be many reasons why we’re into what we’re into, and it shouldn’t really matter as long as we’re acting on it consensually,” they add.
Professional dominatrixes see that all sorts of people want to be dominated.
You don’t need to invest in handcuffs, whips, or ropes to get started. All you need are your words, according to Mistress Ava Zhang, a New York City-based professional dominatrix.
Not all of us have leadership roles at work, but at some point, we’ve given an order.
We’ve told someone where to sit, where to hang their coat, to stop talking and listen. We’ve asked people to bring napkins to our parties, to pick up groceries on the way home, to turn down the thermostat.
You may not consider yourself a sexually dominant person, but you’ve probably made things happen by asking for what you want. Have you ever texted someone “come over tonight ;)” and had them show up at your door ten minutes later? Said “kiss me” and then found yourself kissed?
Yet the idea of being dominant in the bedroom, especially for women, can still seem strange since it goes against everything we’re taught. We must be fair, things must be equal, we must take care of the other person, we must make sure everyone else’s needs are met before ours.
Being dominant in bed doesn’t just mean being on top. It means knowing why you’re there and being bold about pursuing your pleasure.
Professional dominatrixes are the first to scoff at the idea that all men enjoy being dominant in bed and all women enjoy being submissive. They see firsthand that all sorts of people long to be taken out of the driver’s seat.
Here’s how to reexamine the idea of taking control in bedroom, putting the power dynamic in your favor.
Dominating isn’t the same as being cruel or mean
“One of the most common misconceptions surrounding a woman taking a dominant role is the assumption that she needs to be a display cruel behavior towards others, for the sake of her own gain or pleasure, and without consideration for their safety or well-being,” said Mistress Ava Zhang, a New York City-based professional dominatrix. “That is not dominance but rather narcissism bordering on sociopathy.”
Taking the lead in bed doesn’t mean being a sadist or demeaning your partner. It doesn’t mean you have to change who you are. You’re simply connecting with a powerful side of yourself that was always there, and sharing it with a person who wants to make you happy. It’s about closeness and connection, not cruelty.
“The culture of BDSM is heavily rooted in ethics, empathy, and consent,” said Zhang. “The one who assumes the dominant role need not force others to submit, but inspires them to do so by first and foremost displaying compassion and understanding as befitting a moral person.”
You need to understand yourself before you can take on a dominant role
The first step to taking on a more dominant role is to figure out what turns you on. This is easier said than done. We may be ashamed of our desires, we may worry that our partner will laugh or be disgusted by them.
But there’s a reason why the Fifty Shades of Grey books and films were so successful. People were able to point to something on a page and say, “That’s hot.” And then show it to their partner.
Think about scenes in movies and books that have turned you on, and ask yourself why. It may make you feel weird at first, but it’s normal to ask yourself if your desires are normal. It’s up to you to accept them as part of who you are and make the next move.
Great sex starts with communication
Taking cues from mainstream media can also have a downside. Great sex in the movies is often led by the man, or else it’s a magically equal exchange where all the parties seem to intuitively know what the other wants.
Now that’s fantasy.
The reality is that great sex is born of great communication, but it can be hard to wants to talk about what you want. Someone has to take the lead. It should be you.
Taking the dominant position with a partner requires the ability to articulate what you want, explain what pleases you, and why.
“Two of the most important lessons I have learned in my time as a professional dominatrix is to know myself, and to communicate what I want to others. Taking a more dominant role means first having a command and understanding of oneself,” said Zhang.
You don’t need to invest in handcuffs, whips, or ropes
Yes, the things we see on television and the movies can inspire our sexiest thoughts, but they can also be intimidating and stop you from giving things a try.
Being dominant in the bedroom doesn’t mean you have to invest in kinky gear, like handcuffs, whips, and rope. They’re symbolic props.
For example, you can use your words to tell your partner not to move. Handcuffs may just provide an extra layer to the experience.
“Begin with some universal concepts by asking your partner if she or he is enticed by the following: being teased, delayed gratification, the freedom from not having to decide/think, or simply just giving you pleasure,” said Zhang. These ideas can inspire any number of playful activities.”
It’s normal to struggle with outdated attitudes about sexual roles
We’re all prisoners of our upbringings. We have ideas of what people are supposed to do in bed. Even if we think of ourselves as progressive, we may still be dogged by out-of-date attitudes about sexual roles.
It’s up to you to examine why you believe that sex has to be a certain way. If it makes you feel good, great. But if you’re unsatisfied and afraid that your fantasies disrupt your ideas about gender roles in bed, you need to stop and think.
“The mind is the sex organ and all it really takes to be dominant is assuming the right attitude,” said Zhang. “And remember, a willing and open-minded partner will want to please you.”
When we polled our readers earlier this month on what they’ve always wanted to ask a sex coach, they flooded our DM’s with questions, concerns, and complaints about their partners’…techniques.
One thing to note: whatever is going on in the bedroom isn’t a “just you” issue, per se. According to the Cleveland Clinic, 43 percent of women and 31 percent of men experience some type of sexual dysfunction during their lifetimes, including low libido and low confidence. And so many readers submitted the exact same questions and the same deepest darkest secrets. You’re normal. Sex can be weird! Let’s talk about it.
Below, Gigi Engle, SKYN sex and intimacy expert and certified sex coach and author of All The F*cking Mistakes, answered questions submitted by HelloGiggles readers. Don’t see your concern below? Check out the rest of our State of Female Pleasure package for more sexpert advice.
How do I tell my partner that I’ve been faking my orgasms without hurting their feelings?
Your partner may have hurt feelings but the important thing is to assure them that you like everything they’re doing and you were faking orgasms because things felt good but you just felt you weren’t going to get “there.” Offer to show them exactly what feels good for you with gentle guidance.
How do I stop faking orgasms without offending my boyfriend?
Having an open conversation with your partner about this can be challenging. Sex is an emotionally charged thing and many of us lack the vocabulary to communicate our needs. Let your partner know that you want to try some new sex things together. You want to show him new ways to touch you and to have more orgasms. Tell them you love your sex life so he feels good about himself and then offer some guidance. When it comes to faking, if you feel like you’re not going to get there, offer some gentle guidance. Maybe you could use some more oral sex, or a toy during sex. Make those suggestions to him.
How can I be more comfortable in my body during sex?
Masturbate, masturbate, masturbate. When you get in touch with your body and internal energy, you start to feel so much more comfortable in your power. Having control over your own orgasm is empowering and will help you feel good when guiding someone in how to touch you. Body confidence is not something that happens overnight. Look at yourself in the mirror naked and tell your body how much you love it; how it takes care of you, gets you where you need to go, and is strong for you. It does not matter what you look like. You’re beautiful and sexy and powerful.
What can I do to get my partner to explore other fun sexual options? Ex: BDSM.
Make a sex menu. You write down three things you want to try and then have [them] write down three things [they’d] want to try. Then, swap lists and see what you both are interested in. This gives you a pressure-free way to learn about your partners desires and to share your own. Introduce [them] to new things slowly—maybe start out with a new lube or small sex toy. For BDSM specifically, you don’t need to go buy a bunch of expensive gear. Use a tee shirt as a blindfold and a necktie as handcuffs. It’s really not as complicated and scary as some people tend to think!
I can’t orgasm at all! Is there something wrong with me?
There is definitely nothing wrong with you. This is super common! Orgasms are 90 percent mental and 10 percent physical. So, you need to be in a positive headspace. If you believe you cannot come, your brain tells your body you can’t come, and then … you don’t come! The first thing to do is to step outside of this negative feedback loop. Take orgasm off the table for a while and focus on pleasure. Buy some sex toys (SKYN Vibes is my go-to). Take time to masturbate and see what you like. Don’t worry so much about orgasming and eventually orgasms will come.
How to move past (unknown) mental roadblocks that make it hard to orgasm with a partner?
Being present and in the moment can be very challenging when life comes at you. It’s key to remember that sex is important and life is always going to be busy. Breathe into your body and try to be more intentional. Watch some porn to keep you focused or listen to an erotic story while you’re having sexy time. Sometimes we need to ignite all of our senses to stay in the moment. Treat sex like a meditation: It’s a time to focus and breathe and enjoy.
How do you deal with extraordinary clitoral sensitivity?
Try different touch than straight up clitoral rubbing. Touch the labia, the mons, and vaginal opening. Try layering the labia over the clitoris when you use a sex toy on a low vibration setting. Sometimes having a barrier can provide comfort. You can also circle the clitoris rather than putting vibration or a tongue directly on it.
You might also benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy in tandem with working with and OBGYN. There may be an underlying medical issue that should be addressed. Seeking the help of a well-rounded team of professionals who are there to work for you is a grounded way to get the orgasms and sex you deserve.
“Cuckolding” is one of those sex terms that you’ve probably seen pop up somewhere on the internet (hello, porn sites), but you might never have known what it actually means. As the world becomes more woke to all kinds of monogamy, polyamory, and everything in between, people are becoming more and more open about enjoying cuckolding in the bedroom. So, here’s everything you need to know.
What is cuckolding?
Cuckolding is essentially a form of consensual non-monogamy, where one partner watches their lover having sex with another person. Often, cuckolding involves the observing partner (known as the cuckold) being present in the room while they watch, but they could also observe by being sent messages or photos of what is happening.
How is cuckolding different from polyamory?
Cuckolding differs from other forms of consensual non-monogamy (CNM) as it’s all focused on watching what’s happening. Other kinds of CNM include polyamory, where someone has multiple romantic partners, but cuckolding is usually purely sexual rather than romantic. Another kind of CNM is swinging, where couples swap sexual partners, but when it comes to cuckolding, the person observing usually doesn’t physically participate in any sexual activity.
What is the history of cuckolding?
The word “cuckold” is derived from the cuckoo bird, which lays its eggs in other birds’ nests, meaning that the birds go on to raise chicks that aren’t their own. “Cuckold” was first used in medieval times to describe the husband of an unfaithful wife who, unaware of his wife’s infidelity, would raise children that clearly weren’t his own, like with cuckoo birds.
The modern-day usage of the word “cuckolding” as a fetish differs from its origins, as the cuckold is aware of and is consenting to their partner sleeping with another person.
While the origins of the term describe cuckolding as a husband watching his wife with another man, cuckolding can be done any way you want, whether it’s a female partner watching their male partner with another woman or another man, or whether everybody involved is male or female or of any other gender.
Why do people enjoy cuckolding?
There are various reasons why people might enjoy cuckolding as a fetish or a form of consensual non-monogamy. Some people introduce cuckolding as a way of combatting boredom or repetition in a relationship, and find that sexual variety actually strengthens their relationship with their partner, especially as they’re able to learn more about what their partner enjoys. For others, the jealousy they feel from watching their partner with another person adds an exciting element to their relationship and can add a new dimension to their sex life.
“Cuckolding may trigger sexual jealousy,” says psychosexual and relationship therapist Aoife Drury. “The thought of their [the cuckold’s] partner being with someone else may be quite arousing.”
Aoife adds that another reason cuckolding can be enjoyable is because “it’s about seeing sexual satisfaction or empowerment from your partner and that being a turn on. This actually has a name and is defined as compersion.”
Cuckolding is a great way of strengthening communication in a relationship, as it requires honesty from both partners about what they enjoy, what they don’t and what their boundaries are if they do feel jealous or uncomfortable. Couples who have tried cuckolding often report that it strengthens the bond between them, as they’re able to trust each other and talk openly about their desires.
Cuckolding can also be considered a subset of BDSM. “An aspect of BDSM can be humiliation, and the thought of [the cuckold] feeling or being humiliated could also be exciting. Our brains have the ability to turn something degrading into something powerfully erotic,” says Aoife. Sexologist Dr. Jill McDevitt adds, “the arousal that comes from relinquishing power and being humiliated (which is a form of masochism)” can be part of what makes cuckolding enjoyable.
As well as the cuckold, the partner who is sleeping with somebody else can enjoy cuckolding because it means they get to experience sexual variety with somebody else, and they can show their partner first-hand what they like.
How can you introduce cuckolding into your relationship?
Start by being open with your partner, letting them know that this is something you want to try, and explaining what it is if they’re unsure. The important thing is to make sure that everyone involved is comfortable and consenting to what is happening. Cuckolding requires “tons of communication, discussion of safer sex methods, and consideration of the physical and emotional safety of all involved, including the third party,” says Dr. Jill.
“Cuckolding can very much be part of healthy relationships as long as you are both open, honest and content with it being part of your sex lives,” adds Aoife. “The most important aspect of all sexual activity is consent. It is important when someone has a kink or fetish that they are communicating openly with all parties involved, and everyone is happy.
“If it is something that you would like to start off with, it is vital to understand what may be brought up. Seeing your partner with someone else may be quite upsetting so taking it slow is of utmost importance. Finally I would encourage partners to draw out parameters and rules so that there are clear boundaries; perhaps that’s not having sex with someone you know or for cuckolding not to occur in your home.
“To start off with trying out cuckolding, maybe ask your partner to describe a fantasy about having sex with a different partner. That can be past partners, people you or they fancy or even a celebrity. Sometimes this may be enough for both parties and they have no interest in taking things further.
“If you are both happy and wanted to take the next step, try going to a bar and watching them flirt with someone else. The next step, if that goes well, is your partner having sex with someone else and then recounting the experience to you.”
After a marijuana experience, lighting an old-fashioned cigarette after sex seems slightly outdated. As a matter of fact, when discussing cannabis, you’ll probably want to light it before you engage in sexual activity.
Excited yet? Despite some of us seeming pretty calm, we can still feel a nerve twitch when we hear promises of sexual exhilaration. Well, the tale about marijuana and sex that you’ve just stumbled upon will undoubtedly touch that nerve!
The relationship between pot and sexuality goes a long way and is not as charming as you might think. While some stories portray sensual symbiosis, others may argue that weed can crush your libido like a sledgehammer.
The truth is that marijuana can heat and cool both women and men. So then, is it an aphrodisiac, or a mood breaker?
Keep on reading and you’ll find out the pros and cons of marijuana use in the sweet game of sexuality.
A Short History of Cannabis and Sex
The Ancients Knew About Its Effects
According to research, the positive effects of marijuana on the sexual behavior of women was well known in ancient Mesopotamia; it was used during childbirth and for treating menstrual problems as well. Also, the first records of rectal cannabis preparations can be found in ancient Assyrian manuscripts.
Later, in ancient Egypt, cannabis was mixed with honey and introduced vaginally to relieve cramps. This is also where we find the first written records of the relationship between marijuana and sex drive. In addition, hemp seeds were originally used to influence fertility in men.
Throughout history, cannabis has been used both in gynecology and obstetrics, where the first sexological practices come from.
Both Ayurvedic and Arabian medicines recorded the use of marijuana as an aphrodisiac and for pain relief. It was applied vaginally, rectally, orally, and through fumigation. In China, cannabis was used for menstrual difficulties and postpartum problems. African men used it for erectile dysfunction (ED).
Western medicine also used marijuana for sex-related problems. In the 17th and 18th centuries, physicians mixed pulverized cannabis with other herbs to produce combined drugs. Furthermore, with the medical use of marijuana, sex-related issues were clarified and studied.
In Central Europe, in the 19th century, tinctures with cannabis were widely used for breast swelling, menstrual problems, and childbirth difficulties. Court physicians prepared concoctions for wealthy women which were used as a form of sexual relief during first-night intercourse.
Modern Times Try To Reveal the Mystery
The popularization of marijuana in the 20th century has given birth to its massive, worldwide use. Both medical and recreational testimonials state the potential health benefits and pleasures of having sex while high.
The physiological potency of the plant was scientifically documented and explained. Today, we know that certain chemicals in marijuana plants affect the whole organism in a profound way.
According to Psychology Today, the first modern medical evidence of the sexual impact of marijuana dates from the 1970s. Since then, numerous studies have tried to answer the question: is marijuana a stimulant or not?
However, most of the research coming from the previous century is inconclusive. The majority of studies that process the topic are self-reported observational studies and are limited due to the subjectiveness of the questioned participants.
In order to asses the topic of marijuana and sex, we have to consider both medical and experiential aspects of the herb.
Marijuana Effects on the Body
It is a well-known fact that the chemicals in marijuana plants have significant physiological actions. Cannabinoids bind to endocannabinoid receptors and interfere with their main function — homeostasis maintenance.
Both THC and CBD affect our whole organism, thus regulating numerous biochemical reactions. Sometimes it results in the pleasure of being “high,” or it can just have a therapeutic purpose. Overuse, on the other hand, is more likely to induce the negative effects of weed.
The connection between weed and sex can be explained by its pharmacological traits.
Blood Flow
By acting on cannabinoid receptors in blood vessels, cannabinoids induce peripheral vasodilatation. This means that more blood flows into different organs, such as the lungs, the glands, or the brain. The mucous membranes on sexual organs get more blood, which stimulates their metabolism and boosts their function.
The drop in blood pressure is followed by an increased heart rate. Meanwhile, your heart is pumping all the oxygen your lungs can get into your body. This stimulates the senses as well as tactile perception.
Basically, while having sex on weed, your body is more attuned to external influences than in regular cases.
The Brain
Cannabinoids act on various brain structures and interfere with hormones and neurotransmitters. Marijuana effects on the brain can both aid sexuality or destimulate it.
Weed increases dopamine and serotonin levels, which introduce the sense of pleasure, or even happiness. Additionally, this causes altered sensory perception, such as touch, smell, and taste.
Marijuana acts on inhibition functions, therefore relieving stress and anxiety. This also causes peripheral muscles to relax, while the dilated blood vessels pump oxygen into them.
Physiologically, indulging in sex while high can be quite relaxing and enjoyable, with lower inhibitions and attuned senses.
Cannabinoids also have anti-inflammatory properties, which are experienced as pain-relief. This is the reason why in some countries in Eastern Europe, people used to take marijuana to facilitate the first-night sexual experience of women.
Hormones
THC affects the brain and glands, which regulate certain functionalities, and significantly influence sexuality.
It has been reported that, in regular users, THC decreases total cortisol levels. This stress hormone is associated with a higher state of alertness and agility. In other words, with the use of cannabis, the sex drive can be inhibited too! Additionally, THC can sometimes elevate cortisol levels in infrequent users, hence inducing a state of anxiety.
THC briefly inhibits the thyroid hormone secretion. In heavy users, this reveals a dose-dependent mechanism. Meaning, the more you smoke weed, the more you are likely to gain weight, experience fatigue, or libido decrease.
Chemicals in marijuana act on sexual hormones differently. Light marijuana use (once a week) is not associated with any consequences. However, as reports state, smoking pot heavily (six times a week) can lower testosterone levels and sperm count in men. In women, it causes vaginal dryness and irregularity in menstrual cycles.
The hormonal connection between marijuana and sex is still not crystal clear. Overall, the available data states that cannabinoids cause hormone levels to fluctuate, which can affect reproduction and sexuality in different ways.
The Effects of Marijuana on Sexuality
In contrast to physiology, sexuality is a more complex part of an individual. It fuses both biological and psychological factors and is expressed through emotions, thoughts, and behaviors towards others. One can be sexually attracted to a person’s looks, emotions, attitudes, or actions.
Although a subjective category, there is data that shows that having sex while high on weed can be an entrancing experience.
Desire
People used to “spice things up” with clothing, alcohol, and adventures. However, with the growing marijuana market, there is a high chance that this “spice” might, in fact, be cannabis.
Sexual appetite, or libido, is both a hormonal and a psychological issue. It is determined by our sexual urge for another person.
According to a 2017 population-based study, public marijuana use is associated with increased sexual frequency in both men and women. After the assessment of more than 50,000 people, the authors concluded that among the consumers of marijuana, sex drive increased significantly.
Another study confirms that marijuana can increase libido. Researchers state that compared to non-users, weed consumers are twice as likely to have more than two sexual partners a year. Nevertheless, men were also more likely to have difficulties in reaching an orgasm.
Arousal
Sexual excitement is primarily a hormonal factor but can be influenced by psychoneural activity. There is evidence that cannabis can both induce and decrease sexual potency. Additionally, the two sexes express precisely the opposite arousal effects on weed.
Women
As said, marijuana use can increase female libido. When turned on while high, women tend to experience common vaginal dryness. This unfortunate event can present a problem in the initial contact but can be overcome with the right amount of tender foreplay. With the right amount of lubrication, this intense arousal can endure during the entire intercourse.
Men
In men, weed can increase the sex drive. On the other hand, studies show that a significant number of them have trouble maintaining arousal during sex.
In contrast to women, arousal in men is enhanced by the above-mentioned effects of marijuana. In most cases, during intercourse, the overall penile blood flow decreases. These effects remain until the high wears off.
The connection between marijuana and ED has long been an issue. However, the exact mechanism for this is unknown. It is usually associated with declining testosterone levels. Some authors conclude that this is a dose-dependent effect.
The bottom line is that, while stoned, sex can present a challenge for men.
Sensuality
The mystical traits of weed are considered to be the most valuable by most people. This is an effect primarily achieved by the ability of THC to alter the senses.
Studies show that enhanced visual, auditory, and tactile experiences enhance the ongoing sexual act, i.e., orgasm, masturbation, or desire. In surveys, people who enjoy pot and sex describe the high as “transcendent” or “spiritual.”
Intimacy
Although an aphrodisiac for women and a sexual appetite booster for men, marijuana can adversely affect the intimacy in couples.
Intimacy is a deep sense of connection with somebody both on an intellectual and physical level. According to research, the increase of libido and sensuality is associated with the focus on the more hedonistic effects of sexual contact, neglecting the aspects of personal attachment in the process.
Additionally, some cases reported increased intimacy levels in mature couples, which is associated with a sense of relaxation.
Highgasm
Women
A study from 2019, which followed 373 female participants, revealed that those who smoked marijuana prior to intercourse were two times more likely to achieve an orgasm than in a non-consuming group.
This evidence validly shows that among the participating women, 68.5% had more pleasurable sex while marijuana-high. Among them, 60.6% noticed an increase in sexual desire, and 52.8% reported an increase in satisfying orgasms.
Men
Evidence reports that orgasm in men, though, is experienced quite differently.
Men, who practiced sex and marijuana smoking were four times less likely to achieve a climax than the non-smoking group. Furthermore, pot-smokers were three times more likely to orgasm too quickly, and two times more likely to finish too slowly than the abstinents.
In general, both men and women are more sexually inhibited by marijuana in the long run. Chronic use potentiates the adverse hormonal effects and impacts physiology. But occasionally treating yourself with the sweet cannabis-infused sexual stimuli can rarely go wrong.
How to Dose the Best Pot for Sex
Choosing the best pot out there is certainly important. However, there are side effects of weed that need to be considered.
Both the positive and negative effects of weed are dose-dependant. Sometimes, one puff makes the difference between being stoned and being sexually blissed.
High doses of THC can cause a series of sexually-unwanted events, such as nausea, headache, anxiety, paranoia, or sexual depersonalization.
Some sources advocating the pros of marijuana use and sex advise us to keep lower doses in mind. In order to sexually transcend with pot, we need just the amount that can get our blood, brain, and senses going.
Marijuana and Sex Frequency
The relationship between these two changes with time; you might say that they mature together.
In light users, the achieved effect is mainly an occasional increase in sensuality. However, in heavy users, the long-term effects of weed are more likely to be displayed.
According to a few sources, chronic marijuana use is consistent with behavioral problems in relationships, which include aggressive behavior and mood changes. This leads to sexual and emotional detachment and creates the need for high marijuana doses.
In frequent users, the sexual side effects of weed include low energy and libido. This is associated with the pot’s effect on testosterone and pituitary hormones.
Other adverse effects include low desire, erectile dysfunction, and orgasm irregularities in men. Women tend to have progesterone variations, which is expressed as menstrual problems and could lead to depression.
In predisposed people, heavy marijuana use can onset panic, fears, memory decline, and even psychotic episodes.
Choosing the Right Strain for Sex
Everybody reacts to cannabinoids differently. Nevertheless, there are certain aspects of physiological actions that can be attributed to the potency of the marijuana strain.
When choosing the best marijuana for sex, some basic facts need consideration.
Three distinctive variations of cannabis plants used — Cannabis Sativa, Cannabis Indica, and Cannabis Ruderalis. The first two are more common and more popular.
Sativa produces a “head high,” making you more alert, inspired, and cerebrally driven. Indica has more body-relaxation effects and is used more to soothe pain and ease stress. Nevertheless, hybrids can display more potent, combined effects.
Some strains cater to sex more than others. In general, Sativa-derived ones could be considered as the best strains for male arousal, while women react better to Indica. Still, as sources claim, the reactions are mostly individual.
The perfect combination for sex would imply infrequent use to avoid the chronic impact on testosterone for men, and less estrogen-inhibiting THC products for women.
Sativa Strains for Sex
Asian Fantasy — Famous for its fruity flavor, this strain has energetic, and relaxin properties. Asian Fantasy is considered an arousing weed.
Ultimate Trainwreck — With its cerebral action, it enhances focus, energy, and a sense of happiness. Ultimate Trainwreck has a mild citrusy flavor, and i is one of the best marijuana strains for sex, as it increases arousal in men.
Green Crack — This Sativa strain can unleash your basic instinct. Green Crack is great for libido, potency, and could intensify an orgasm; the best part: you can repeat it again and again.
Potent Hybrids
Sour Dream — Although somewhat hard to find, this hybrid first calms and then arouses. Sour Dream can also potentiate euphoria, and even laughter, so it is the right choice for spicing-up the intimacy.
Purple Princess — It enhances creativity, energy, and euphoria. This strain can give you an exhilarating night in the sack and is considered as one of the best strains for female arousal and orgasm.
Indica Strains for Sex
Hindu Skunk — It relaxes slowly, and prolongs the intercourse, keeping your undivided attention on the partner. Hindu Skunk is a great choice for lazy-day intimacy.
Yumbolt — Mainly preferred by women, it is a calming and easing strain, that can help you orgasm, and sleep afterward.
Chocolate Chunk — It is an easing, soft acting strain, with a sweet and nutty flavor.
Grandaddy Purple — It is a strong Indica strain. It alleviates pain, eases stress, relieves anxiety, and energizes. Grandaddy Purple can be great for sexual desire but without the unnecessary euphoria.
Best Weed Strain for Sex: Sexxpot
According to yours truly, the best of the best would be Sexxpot. This hybrid came to light after years of practice and cultivation. It is a low-THC, high-CBD strain that relaxes the body while introducing desire and sensuality.
It takes the edge off and introduces you to the state of sweet delight. Sexxpot promises full relaxation, long sex-duration, and smooth sleep.
Selecting the Right Product
Deciding on the best weed for sex is essential. However, not all lovers out there enjoy smoking weed. Fortunately, today’s market has a variety of accessories and products for various user needs.
In a weed dispensary, you can find a spread of:
vapes and inhalants that contain cannabis-derived active principles;
oils and tinctures, which contain a concentrated amount of THC, and should be dosed lightly;
edibles that are becoming more popular by the minute — mints, brownies, chocolates, cakes, and other culinary delicacies.
Come Valentine’s, a THC-based sugary dish, or a wrapped-up stoner gift could turn the odds in your favor. While at that, it’s rumored that men prefer chocolate, while blueberry cakes could be considered the best edibles for female arousal.
Other Cannabis-Infused Sex Aids
Marijuana can be sexually helpful in more than one way. In other words, you don’t have to smoke it or eat it. The market is abundant with:
topical use products, which intensify the scenes peripherally;
marijuana suppositories, which have been out there for years now, and are used primarily for pain relief;
weed lube, which is cannabis-based and is used to treat vaginal dryness;
marijuana tampons with relaxing and protective properties.
The combination of sex products and cannabis shows promises of desire, arousal, sensuality, intimacy, and potential orgasms.
FAQs
Do you last longer when high?
While it can change the perception of time, marijuana does extend sexual intercourse in both women and men. There is evidence that supports its effects on libido, sensuality, and orgasm.
Cannabis has been scientifically proven to increase female sexual experience. On the other hand, there is evidence that smoking weed could result in erectile dysfunction in men.
Can being high make you not get hard?
Men who often smoke marijuana can sometimes experience erectile dysfunction. In chronic users, marijuana can decrease testosterone levels and affect arousal.
Hence, smoking weed in moderation is highly advised for men (so as to achieve the most optimal performance).
What’s more, some sources even claim that choosing the right strain could help overpass these issues entirely.
What are the best weed strains for sex?
Various marijuana strains have been praised as powerful sexual aids. The science states that Sativa strains work better in men. Indica strains have less THC and are better suited for women.
Some of the more popular sexual weeds are Sexxpot, Asian Fantasy, Sour Dream, Granddaddy Purple, Hindu Skunk, Green Crack, and more.
Can using cannabis for sex cause infertility?
There is no conclusive evidence that confirms that smoking marijuana can leave you infertile.
However, compulsive pot smoking is associated with low sperm count in men and menstrual irregularities in women.
Conclusion
It is true — marijuana enhances sexuality. However, frequent use can lead to unwanted side effects and can even cause sexual dysfunction.
Anyone can smoke and strip. Nevertheless, if you are about to indulge in a unique sexual adventure, do so wisely. With the proper strain pick and an adequate product selection, you can find yourself in a highly tantric experience.
Weed can be used as an aphrodisiac, arouser, intimacy enhancer, or as an orgasm intensifier. The intriguing connection between marijuana and sex has long been out there, and for good reason — it works.
Fetishes come in a lot of different shapes and sizes. (I mean, not literally shapes and sizes, but you know, they range from person to person). Some super common fetishes you’ve definitely already heard of (or maybe even tried out) include bondage, role-playing, impact play, and anal sex, but QQ: Ever heard of voyeurism?
“Voyeurism is getting sexual excitement from watching others when they are naked or engaging in sex acts,” says Jill McDevitt, PhD, CalExotics sexologist. And while the pleasure is most commonly derived from watching others, the fetish could also include hearing others engage in sexual acts, or even being told about other people’s sexual experiences.
So, no, it’s not the creepy, nonconsensual “Peeping Tom” that might come to mind. Voyeurism is a fetish, and actually one of the most common ones, according to the Journal of Sex and Research.
So if you’re curious in the slightest about what voyeurism is, how to do it, why it turns people on, don’t worry: We broke down literally everything you need to know.
What is a voyeur?
A voyeur is someone who experiences pleasure from watching other people partake in sexual acts. Maybe you’ve already decided this is absolutely not your thing, but “one could argue the enjoyment of watching porn is, in part, voyeuristic,” says McDevitt.
After all, most people masturbate when they watch other people have sex on their screen, no? So yeah, it’s fairly common to be, at the least, slightly interested in this sexual fetish.
Why is voyeurism a fetish?
Ask yourself: Why is anything a pleasure? We all experience different turn-ons and turn-offs in the bedroom, so it really depends on what someone likes and engages with. Here are two people, who would consider voyeurism a fetish for them, explaining why they get turned on by watching others engage in sexual acts together or masturbate:
“Personally, I am really into voyeurism because it’s a different way to experience sex. You’re not in the sex, but you’re seeing it, noticing what gives someone pleasure, seeing when someone moans the loudest in what position. It’s exhilarating,” says Michelle*, 25.
“My girlfriend knows I’m watching her which makes it super hot. It’s like her way to show off,” says Michael, 34.
What’s the difference between the good kind of voyeurism and the bad kind of voyeurism?
Put simply, consent. “I use voyeurism as an example of a fetish that can be done in a fun and consensual way, or in a non-consenting and harmful way,” says McDevitt. “‘Voyeuristic disorder’ is actually in the diagnostic manual for psychiatric disorders, in which it is described as a persistent and intense sexual interest in spying on unsuspecting people nude or having sex.”
So in other words, make sure every sexual act you engage in with your partner has been consensually agreed upon and communicated beforehand (this goes for anything in the bedroom, btw). Good voyeurism = consent and communication about what you will be doing with every sexual partner. Bad voyeurism = doing something behind your sexual partner(s)’s back.
How can you incorporate voyeurism into the bedroom in a healthy, consensual way?
Okay, now the fun part: There are so many different ways to spice up your sex life—especially with voyeurism. Here’s what McDevitt recommends:
Watch your partner masturbate. This could look like encouraging your partner to lay on the bed and do their thing while you watch from the crack of the door.
Watch your partner shower or bathe.
Bring in another person to watch your partner have sex with.
So if you’re intrigued, maybe give it a try. But, again, for all the people in the back: Consent is the key, key, key factor here.
While you’re plotting out all your New Year’s resolutions for the coming year, why not add in one for your sex life?
We can sometimes forget to consider sex when thinking about what we want from our lives, but sex is an important part of our overall well-being. As individuals, our sexuality is one of the most powerful ways we can connect with our own bodies, understand them, and celebrate them; many studies have shown that positive body image and sexual satisfaction are deeply linked. And for couples? Research from clinical psychologist Barry McCarthy, Ph.D., has found happy couples say sex only plays a 15 to 20% role in their relationship, but unhappy couples say up to 75% of the trouble is related to sex. So yes, sex is always worth a little investment!
Here are a few ideas for sex resolutions you might want to make this year, whether for yourself or as a couple:
1. Make sex a priority again.
Just a simple mindset shift can go a long way. If sexual wellness hasn’t been a big priority for you in the last year or so, consider bumping it back up to be top of mind. Sometimes when you’ve been in the same relationship for a long time or when you haven’t been dating for a while, sex just becomes less important than everything else going on in your life. That’s totally cool—life ebbs and flows, and sometimes your family, or your career, or some other exciting project is what needs your attention. But if you feel like your sex life could use a little TLC, then commit to giving it the same amount of time, energy, and prioritization that you’ve been giving to other parts of your life. Your sex life won’t change until you invest in it.
What does that look like? When you’re choosing between working late and going on that date, pick the date. When you and your partner are deciding how to spend an upcoming free weekend, put sex on the menu of options. Decide that the chores and deadlines and social obligations can wait. When there’s an opportunity for sex, go for it!
2. Invest in your own pleasure.
Whether you’re in a relationship or not, you deserve to have sexual pleasure in your life. If that’s an unfamiliar idea for you, you can even just make your resolution to recite that mantra to yourself each morning: I deserve to have sexual pleasure in my life.
There are so many ways to invest in your pleasure: It could mean making more time for masturbation or figuring out what the heck actually turns you on, or it could mean buying yourself a few new sex toys or some lingerie that makes you feel like a goddess. Or maybe it’s about opening a conversation with your partner about making your favorite parts of sex more of the go-to thing. (For example, you shouldn’t have to be quietly hoping to yourself that your partner is gonna go down on you—just ask!)
3. Learn about sex.
Did you know just learning about the orgasm gap is associated with women having more orgasms during sex? Knowledge can go such a long way in terms of improving your sex life. You might think you know everything you need to know about sex, but here’s what I’ll tell you: I’m a sex educator, and I write about sex for a living. I’ve written literally hundreds of stories about sex, learned from countless sex therapists and couples’ counselors, read hundreds of scientific papers about sex—and I’m still learning new things about sex every day. There’s always more to learn. Especially considering how little sex education Americans receive, you can bet you’ll find a whole lot of new information and ideas from just one book, class, or podcast about sex. Commit to listening to one new podcast about sex, reading one well-reviewed book about sex, or taking a class about sex either online or in person.
4. Address your sexual blocks.
If you know you have a block related to sex, commit to spending this year trying to really figure it out, address it, and heal. That could mean finally seeking out a specialist to figure out why you’re experiencing sexual pain, or going to a sex therapist to talk through your experiences with sexual trauma, or just spending some dedicated time doing the inner work to learn about what’s been holding you back sexually.
5. Commit to variety.
If you’ve fallen into a rut sexually, make this year a year of exploration and experimentation. Maybe that means trying out new positions with your partner and agreeing to, say, making sure every time you have sex includes one position or sexual act that you don’t usually break out. Or maybe it means exploring something truly new and novel for you—something like pegging, going to a sex party, BDSM, role-playing, consensual nonmonogamy, watching porn with your partner, or whatever else you’ve had a little inkling of interest in.
6. Tap into your sexual energy, even when you’re not having sex.
Sex isn’t all about having sex. Weird, I know. One of the best ways to improve your overall sex life is to build more sexual energy into your day. A 2019 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found sexual desire is actually buildable: that is, experiencing sexual desire today increases your odds of having sexual desire and sex tomorrow. Moreover, feeling turned on isn’t just about getting in the mood to have sex. Being able to access that state of mind regularly can be incredibly empowering on its own: Sexual energy can make you feel more confident, outgoing, and flirtatious. Here are a few ways to build more sexual energy into your day.
7. Have more sex.
Hey, when it comes to resolutions, sometimes simple is best! Put sex on the calendar, often. Boom. Happy New Year!
If Hollywood made a blockbuster film about all the common misconceptions about BDSM, it would be called 50 Shades of Grey Area. From outdated ideas to complete misrepresentations, there is no shortage of faulty information out there about BDSM. And while experimenting with kink may not be everyone’s cup of tea, listening to experts spill the tea about BDSM can help everyone stay informed.
“BDSM is something that the general population doesn’t know much about,” Kayna Cassard, sex therapist and founder of Intuitive Sensuality, tells Elite Daily. “So, they make up stories about what it means for people who engage in it.” According to Cassard, the lack of accurate information about BDSM often leads people to stigmatize the practice. “Our stories are often informed by [outdated or limited] belief systems,” Cassard says. “When you have those systems filling in the blanks on something like BDSM, there is a lot of negative judgment about it.” Whether you’re just starting to dip your toe in the kink world or you’re a BDSM babe that’s tired of correcting all the misinformed stereotypes, knowing the real tea about the kink community can be super helpful.
Here are 10 common misunderstandings about BDSM, cleared up by experts.
1. Myth: BDSM isn’t consensual.
Like any sexual encounter, engaging in BDSM requires talking about consent and intentions before getting down to business. “BDSM is 100% consensual and the result of explicit, thorough communication,” Brianne McGuire, host of the Sex Communication podcast, tells Elite Daily. “Activities may include physical contact that appears violent, but really, it’s the manifestation of an agreed-upon dynamic.” As McGuire shares, BDSM is a completely consensual practice that demands transparency from all partners. “BDSM emphasizes consensual play and teaches us tools to communicate our erotic and sexual needs more effectively,” Cassard says.
2. Myth: BDSM isn’t feminist.
For sex educator and “24/7 Sub” Lina Dune, a huge BDSM misconception is that the practice is not feminist. “As a submissive, I have been told all manner of things about why my role in BDSM is not feminist,” Dune says. “But BDSM is the coming together of equals to participate in consensual power exchange. Any way you slice it, that’s feminist to me.”
As Dune shares, BDSM can create space a particularly special space for women, femmes, and assigned female at birth (AFAB) people to reclaim their sexuality and sexual power. “And if there are some spanking, name-calling or ball gags thrown in there? All the better,” Dune says.
3. Myth: BDSM only involves penetrative sex.
Though penetrative sex can be a large part of BDSM, McGuire and Cassard both share that BDSM isn’t only about sex. “BDSM activities often involve no penetration,” McGuire says. “The nature of sharing energy and power in a highly communicated, consensual way goes far beyond sexual release.” Cassard agrees that BDSM can be a “tool in your relationship and sexual arsenal,” helping you and your partner communicate more effectively.
“There’s a misunderstanding that BDSM isn’t accessible because there is a big commitment involved in buying proper equipment,” Gigi Engle, sex coach, sexologist, and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life, tells Elite Daily. “You can use anything around the house. A wooden spoon can be a paddle; a scarf can be handcuffs or a blindfold.” As Engle shares, while some may want to build a dungeon or shell out for a special whip, BDSM can just about communicating and exchanging with your partner(s). You can get creative together and have fun along the way.
According to Dr. Jones, while some people are into more extreme BDSM activities, like suspension bondage or masochism, others may be more into moderate or light BDSM, like wearing blindfolds or roleplaying. Whatever the case, BDSM means something different to everyone who engaged with it. “A major misconception is that there is ‘one way’ to do something or that BDSM has to be this strict, regimented thing,” sex educator and mental health professional Lola Jean tells Elite Daily. “There isn’t one ‘right’ style or method or right or wrong. It’s about finding and tailoring what is right for you regardless of the role that you’re in.”
6. Myth: BDSM is only for dominatrices.
The truth is, there no one “type” of person that is into BDSM. While some people are more public about their kinks and interests, others may be into BDSM on the down-low. Whatever the case, Dr. Jones emphasizes that anyone can practice BDSM.
“There are people from all walks of life, various racial, cultural, educational, and socioeconomic backgrounds, who take part in BDSM sexual practices,” Dr. Jones says.
7. Myth: You’re either a Dom or a Sub.
Binaries are over, baby. While some people who partake in BDSM may be a full Dominant or a total submissive (or a full-on sadist or masochist), BDSM is not an “either-or” situation.
“Some couples switch positions,” Dr. Jones says. “Others are interested in BDSM, not because they are masochist, but because they enjoy giving pleasure, or depending on what the BDSM includes, they enjoy their partner’s uncontrollable passion.”
Jean agrees that stereotypes about what certain roles look like can prevent people from really understanding how BDSM functions. “These stereotypes are so limiting, and they prevent us from getting to know the other person as well as ourselves,” Jeans says. “BDSM can look completely different from person to person or pairing to pairing.”
8. Myth: BDSM is all about power.
Jean shares that while some people may engage in power-play or enjoy being dominant or submissive, BDSM isn’t always about the exchange of power. “There is a misconception of power and where that comes from, which leads to individuals wielding that power irresponsibly,” Jean says. “BDSM is not about power exchange for everyone. Fetishes and lighter play can fit within here too.”
If you grew up in a more conservative area or you carry a lot of internalized shame around sex, Cassard shares that it can be easy to feel like BDSM is “wrong” or “dirty.” While you never need to do anything you’re not into, Cassard attests that being into BDSM doesn’t make you a “bad” or “shameful” person — it’s just another thing that you’re into. “[Practicing BDSM] is normal, and there have been studies showing that there are pretty high levels of mental wellness in the BDSM communities,” Cassard says. There’s no reason to keep BDSM a secret if you don’t want to, as there is nothing shameful about partaking in it.
10. Myth: BDSM is all about pain.
“You can have BDSM without any pain at all, and you can have it where you walk away with bruises all over your body. Each experience is carefully crafted and curated by those participating in the play,” Engle says. While some people are into BDSM with more physical contact, Engle shares that BDSM isn’t innately violent or about pain.
Additionally, Dune emphasizes the importance of aftercare and cuddling, as well as checking in afterward. “A crucial component of any BDSM practice is aftercare so that the partners can reset their nervous system and emotionally get on the same page,” Dune says. “BDSM is a structured way of playing with more intense sexual themes and sensation play, but the ritual of it is meant to safeguard against bad outcomes like trauma, abuse, or triggers.”
From ropes and paddles to feathers and ice cubes, BDSM can look different to everyone. Of course, no matter what you’re into, active consent is the most important part of any BDSM practice. And whether you’re suspended in the sky or laid out on the floor, consensual kinky sex means leaving no room for grey areas.
I went to a public high school, but my school took an abstinence-only approach to sex ed. In fact, it was pretty similar to the sex ed scene in Mean Girls — it was taught by the football coach, we were warned that having sex would pretty much ruin our lives, and we all learned absolutely nothing. In fact, the Mean Girls sex ed class was better than the one I took, because at least the Mean Girls coach gave out condoms — mine never mentioned any form of birth control.
Instead, I learned about sex from friends, the internet, and books — and books were by far the most accurate source of knowledge on that list. I’m one of the legions of fans who credit the American Girl book The Care and Keeping Of Youfor teaching us all about puberty — not just periods, but also pubic hair, pimples, and B.O.
Now that I’m an adult woman and a professional sex & relationships writer, I still read books to learn more about sex. So I put together this list, including some of my favorites, some of my colleagues’ recommendations, and some suggestions from my Twitter followers that I’ve already added to my to-read list.
Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski, PhD
This bestselling book explores the whys and hows of women’s sexuality — asserting that there’s no one “normal,” and it’s useless to compare your own experience to others.
Faking It: The Lies Women Tell about Sex — And the Truths They Reveal by Lux Alptraum
In Faking It, Lux Alptraum challenges the idea that faking an orgasm is a bad thing. Instead, she explores how often, when, and why women lie about sex. Read an excerpt on Refinery29.
Queer Sex: A Trans and Non-Binary Guide to Intimacy, Pleasure, & Relationships by Juno Roche
In Queer Sex, trans activist and writer Juno Roche combines her own story with interviews with other trans and non-binary individuals, creating a narrative that offers both insight and practical advice. Read an excerpt on Refinery29 UK.
Mating In Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel
In Mating In Captivity, renowned relationship therapist Esther Perel explores erotic desire, explaining why it’s so hard to maintain it in a long-term, monogamous relationship — and what to do to keep it alive.
The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton
This guide to ethical non-monogamy remains a go-to for people interested in polyamory, two decades after it was first published.
Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good by adrienne maree brown
Writer and activist adrienne maree brown introduces the concept of “pleasure activism,” arguing that, as she puts it, “pleasure is a measure of freedom.”
The Vagina Bible: The Vulva and the Vagina: Separating the Myth from the Medicine by Jen Gunter, MD
Dr. Jen Gunter, who’s become known as “Internet’s OB/GYN” thanks to her viral Goop criticisms, gives us a guide to vaginal health, including yeast infections, painful sex, and “the myth of the G-spot.”
Girl Sex 101 by Allison Moon
This sex ed book features illustrations, instructions, and sex tips from over a dozen sex experts. Moon and Diamond take a trans- and genderqueer-inclusive approach to their suggestions, showing that there are many ways to have incredible sex.
Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free by Wednesday Martin, PhD
Dr. Wednesday Martin challenges myths about women’s supposedly relationship-focused nature, arguing that in fact, women may struggle more than men with sexual exclusivity. Read an excerpt on Refinery29.
Unscrewed: Women, Sex, Power, and How to Stop Letting the System Screw Us All by Jaclyn Friedman
In Unscrewed, Jaclyn Friedman examines the state of sexual power in the United States, looking at how politics, religion, education, and other factors play into our sex lives.
There is still a strange, judge-y haze that falls over any kind of kinky sex. Even the very idea of asking “What is a fetish?” is taboo. People tend to think that people into kinky sex are sexual deviants—nothing like “normal” people having perfectly “normal” sex.
This, I must say, is a whole lotta B.S. Kinks are actually quite common—according to a 2014 study, 50% of Americans enjoy some kind of kink or rough sex fantasy, while 36 percent have used blindfolds and bondage gear during sex—totally normal, and totally available to everyone. (No sex dungeon or BDSM club required.)
What Is a Fetish?
Kinky sex is all sex that falls outside of the boundaries of “vanilla” or traditional sex. (Think: Missionary style sex with the lights off.) It’s the catchall umbrella term that captures the wide spectrum of sexual behaviors that you might be into. It’s somewhat subjective—what one person considers “kinky” could be another person’s “vanilla.” You might think doggy style with some light spanking is super kinky, whereas another person may need to be blindfolded and ball-gagged in order to think the sex is kinky. In other words, exploring your kinky side can be as adventurous as you want it to be.
Fetishes are a specific type of kink. A fetish is a fixation on something largely nonsexual (feet, bubbles, tickling, leather, latex, cotton panties, etc.). For people with a fetish, that normally nonsexual thing is actually a huge turn-on—they’re sexually attracted to it. Most people with fetishes require that item or sex act to become sexually aroused. For instance, someone with a foot fetish may need to lick, kiss, or nibble on their lover’s feet in order to get turned on. Kink, on the other hand, can be a part of sexual intimacy, but isn’t necessarily required for the sex to happen.
Exploring Kinks and Fetishes 101
Here is what you should know about the most common fetishes and kinks, how to try them, and what gear you can buy to make the experience more memorable (and fun).
BDSM
What is BDSM? BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, submission, sadism, and masochism. It sounds scary—like getting blindfolded, tied to the bed and whipped mercilessly—but that’s rarely the case. BDSM is not about the need to hurt someone or to be hurt by someone. It’s about exploring your boundaries and levels of control, not torture and misery.
How to try it: BDSM is actually the most common kink there is. It can be as quotidian as a little light spanking or biting; blindfolding your partner or asking them to bind you with fuzzy handcuffs; or various levels of sensation play (such as using blindfolds, feather ticklers, or ball gags), pain play (such as spanking, electro-stimulation, or whipping), and breath play (choking).
The one thing all safe BDSM has in common? It’s consensual and explicitly negotiated between partners, wherein one person willingly (and enthusiastically) gives up control to the other.
Role playing
What is role playing? Role play is one of the simplest ways to explore kink—who hasn’t had some kind of sexual fantasy in their lifetime? Whether your particular turn-on is a well choreographed scene straight out of Outlander or a slightly more vague scenario like two strangers meeting at a bar, role play is a good opportunity to explore some of those fantasies. It’s like creating your own script-based porn together—it gives you both a chance to be someone else and get out of your own head.
How to try it: Role playing can be as simple or as complex as you want it to be. In its most basic form, it’s just about you and your partner taking on new characters and acting out a scene. For instance, you could be the sexy repairperson who has come to fix your lover’s sink. If a doctor and patient situation is more your jam, you could always get your partner a white lab coat and have them give you a full “checkup.”
Latex (and other materials)
What is a latex fetish? Sexualizing materials—latex, lace, silk, leather, nylon, you get the picture—can be both a kink and a fetish. If latex is a kink, it means you enjoy latex (think: wearing a smoking hot latex bodysuit) as a part of your sexual play. A latex fetish means that latex needs to be involved in your play in order for you to get turned on. With a fetish, you’re genuinely attracted to the material: The sound it makes on a person’s skin, the smell, and the feel of it. Again, this is totally normal.
How to try it: If you’re into latex (or other such materials), it’s likely that you’ve known for a while. Maybe you came across a lovely pair of thick latex gloves in your kitchen or a pair of nylon stockings growing up and felt all the things. To get material-based fetish into your IRL sex life, simply start by bringing a latex (or leather, spandex, etc.) object or piece of clothing into the bedroom. Start with something simple like latex gloves. If this works for you sexually, you can try a latex bodysuit, wearing it or having your partner wear it (consensually, of course). If leather is more your thing, try wearing that vintage biker jacket you love to bed. Perhaps you and your partner could even go to a sex shop and invest in a leather riding crop if you’re feeling a bit adventurous.
Foot fetish
What is a foot fetish? Foot fetishes are very common—there are entire YouTube channels devoted to the worship of all things feet. Having a foot fetish means that you are sexually attracted to feet—clean, manicured feet, normal feet, or even dirty feet. This can also include being attracted to shoes such as high heels or sneakers.
How to try it: This can play out in different ways during sex. You may want to lick or kiss your partner’s feet, you could be into them stepping on you, or even rubbing a shoe over your body. Everyone is different and no one thing is stranger than any other (assuming your partner is down).
Voyeurism and exhibitionism
What is voyeurism? Voyeurism is when you enjoy watching people have sex—it’s the thrill of seeing something “you’re not supposed to.” In the traditional definition, the people you’re watching don’t know you’re watching, but this obviously violates their consent, which is a big no-no. If you want to engage in consensual voyeurism, you can watch people engaging in sex acts with their knowledge of your being there. Voyeurism can also include enjoying other people watching you engage in sexual activity—commonly referred to as “exhibitionism.” They are two sides of the same coin. The excitement of exhibitionism comes from “getting caught” doing something “bad” or naughty.
How to try it: There’s already a bit of a voyeur in all of us. Getting turned on watching your partner touch themselves, watching porn, even heating up for a steamy scene on Netflix has the erotic element of peeking into someone else’s sex life. Try watching porn together and masturbating side-by-side. You get to watch the people in the video having sex, while enjoying intimacy with your partner. It’s a win-win for everyone. Exploring exhibitionism may also include things like having sex outside or in public (provided you do it very carefully). Here is a good guide to outdoor sex, should you be interested.
The Step-by-Step Guide to Trying Kinks and Fetishes
Curious but still a little intimidated? We’ve got you covered.
1. Involve your partner.
If you’d like to incorporate a kink or fetish into your sex life, talk about it. Have a solid conversation with your partner to decide what you’re both willing to explore before whipping out a riding crop in the bedroom.
It can be daunting, but having a conversation is critical if this is important to you. Start by talking about your mutual fantasies and go from there. You want to keep it light before moving into the more “intense” stuff. For example, if you’re interested in nylon, would you partner be okay with nylon stockings in bed? Would they be okay having their wrists tied with some nylon stockings? This way, you can both be involved in the execution, trying a bunch of different things that turn you on.
Think it through and be open and honest. It’s crucial that these conversations come with a big ol’ dose of empathy.
2. Do your research.
If a kink is new to you, do your research. Some of this play—bondage or choking, for instance—can be dangerous. Take a class or watch some YouTube videos. The best places for in-person classes are feminist sex toy shops such as Pleasure Chest or Babeland. If you don’t live in a major city, check out O.School. This online resource is an amazing place to take free online workshops from everything to blow jobs to kink to latex. Know what you’re doing before you try anything at all. You want to be solid in your skills before trying them on another human person.
3. Establish a safeword.
Safewords are nonsexual words that indicate when one partner would like to stop or pause the play. Choose a word that has nothing to do with that you’re doing in the bedroom. I suggest something nonthreatening such as banana, strawberry, sailboat, or hockey puck. You can also use a simple traffic light system: Green means go, and red means stop.
If you’re engaging in play that could disrupt a person’s ability to speak, such as breath play or wearing a ball gag, use a “three tap” approach: If you or your partner wants to stop, you tap them three times on the shoulder.
Why do you need a safeword? Because in some scenes “no” may be interpreted as part of the play. For example, in a ravishment role play fantasy or a super-submissive scene, if you say “no” or “stop” your partner may think you’re simply in character. A safeword also helps keep the erotic energy of the scene alive so that in event you want to keep going, you’re not completely deflated.
4. Do some shopping.
When it comes to gear, you don’t need to go out and buy a bunch of expensive stuff to make a fantasy or fetish happen. BDSM is definitely mostly gear-focused kink, but even so, it’s easy to utilize things from around your house. Try placing a T-shirt over your partner’s eyes as a makeshift blindfold, grabbing a wooden mixing spoon for spanking, or try running an (unused!) feather duster over your lover’s body.
For most fetishes, you’ll just need the specific item on which your fetish in focused. This could be anything from feet, to a leather crop, to a pair of nylon stockings. If you’re interested in leather specifically, we love these harnesses from Bijoux Indescretes. The company makes a whole line of fetish and BDSM gear that is inexpensive and easy for beginners to use. If latex is more your style, check out these amazing suits from The Latex Store.
I also love everything kink-related from Unbound. They make a super-adorable feather tickler, paddle, pinwheel, handcuffs, bondage tape, and blindfold that are perfect for BDSM neophytes. Plus they double as jewelry, a turn-on all its own. Check out the line here.
4. Check in.
Be sure to always have aftercare following sexual experiences. This is when the two of you take time to touch, kiss, caress, and reconnect emotionally.
In the following day or two, have an open and honest conversation about what you did correctly, what was working for you, and what wasn’t. Be willing to compromise to cocreate a sexual experience that is pleasurable, unique, and special for both of you.
When it comes to exploring kink and fetish, there is no “bad” or “abnormal” as long as everyone involved is an enthusiastically consenting adult. Don’t be afraid to broaden your sexual horizons. Learn all you can, be open-minded, and who knows? You might discover something you’re into that you’d never thought possible.
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