Author: Richard Wagner

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Voluntary Celibacy

— Did Everyone Really Stop Having Sex?

Why everyone seems to be swearing off sex

By Cathy Cassata

Celibacy is often thought of as the act of avoiding sexual relationships for religious reasons, to remain “pure,” or allow for more time to devote to God. But recently the decision to go celibate for a short or extended period has become a more popular practice without any of the religious connotations.

The movement has been pronounced on social media. Every day people and celebrities are publicly sharing why they are abstaining from sex. Actor and “It Girl” Julia Fox told television host Andy Cohen that choosing to be celibate for over two years is a way for her to take back control after the overturning of Roe v. Wade.

Musician Lenny Kravitz told the Guardian that he hasn’t been in a relationship for nine years and has chosen to be celibate for spiritual reasons.1

Beyond these specific reasons voluntary celibacy is increasingly being viewed as a way to take back control of your sexual autonomy, reconnect with yourself, and take the time to investigate what forms of intimacy are truly beneficial to you and your emotional wellbeing.

Why Voluntary Celibacy Is Trending

While the effects of social media and celebrities sharing their voluntary celibacy may contribute to its popularity, some research shows that in recent years, more and more people are having less sex.

For instance, according to the 2021 General Social Survey, which was conducted by researchers at
the University of Chicago, men and women between 18 and 34 years old are having much less sex than they did in 2008. The survey found that over 20 percent of males under 35 reported not having had sex in the past year, and 19 percent of females reported the same compared to 8 and 7 percent in 2008.2

>The same is true for adolescents. A 2021 study found that more adolescents reported not having sexual activity whether they had a partner or not. Between 2009 and 2018, abstinence from sex increased for males from 28.8% to 44.2% and for females from 49.5% to 74%.3

Reasons for Choosing to Be Celibate

In addition to religious or spiritual reasons for choosing celibacy, New York City sex therapist Stephen Snyder, MD, author of Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship, says there is a trend among heterosexual women whose relationships with men have left them discouraged and annoyed.

“Whether it’s their male partners’ excessive need for caretaking, their limited ability to sexually connect, or the emotional labor required to handle a male partners’ emotional limitations, many women just feel relieved to be done with the whole thing,” he says.

Because many women tend to over-function in relationships, Snyder says they end up neglecting their own needs. “Sometimes a woman who finds herself single realizes it’s the first time she’s been able to think about her own needs. She naturally might want to keep that going for a while, before having to confront a partner’s needs again.”

Stephen Snyder, MD

Whether it’s their male partners’ excessive need for caretaking, their limited ability to sexually connect, or the emotional labor required to handle a male partners’ emotional limitations, many women just feel relieved to be done with the whole thing.

For people who identify as having “out of control sexual behavior,” they can sometimes benefit from a period of no sex, where they can learn other ways to regulate their emotions, says Snyder.

He explains that sexual desire can feel like a ‘drive’ similar to that of hunger or thirst.

“But if you don’t satisfy hunger or thirst, they only get stronger. Sexual desire isn’t like that. It’s more like an emotion, where if you don’t respond, it tends to dissipate and give way to other emotions,” says Snyder. “That can be important for people to learn, and a period of celibacy can sometimes be a good way to learn it.”

For those who identify as asexual, meaning they experience little or no sexual attraction to others, engaging in sexual activity may not be a priority or desire, leading them to adopt a celibate lifestyle, says Amie Leadingham, certified relationship coach.

Movements Related to Celibacy

The following movements are related to celibacy.

4B Movement

Initiated in Korea in recent years, the 4B Movement: bihon, bichulsan, biyeonae, bisekseu, stands for the refusal of heterosexual marriage, childbirth, romance, and sexual relationships.

In a paper in the Journal of Gender Studies, the authors state that the 4B Movement “encompasses not only criticisms of the pro-natalist turn in state policy and protests against it, but also various forms of self-help discussions and practices that are explicitly oriented towards women’s individual futures.”4

Boysober

Boysober, a term coined by influencer and comedian Hope Woodard, is the act of abstaining from dating and sex to focus on self-care.

“Constantly engaging in the dating process can be emotionally taxing, especially when relationships don’t work out as expected,” says Leadingham.

Some people choose celibacy to avoid the dating world to heal, reevaluate their priorities, and work on themselves without the emotional distractions of dating.

Amie Leadingham, relationship coach

I was exhausted from all the emotional games with dating and online dating,” she says. “During this period, I was able to take a step back from the dating world and work on my personal development.
— Amie Leadingham, relationship coach

After years of struggling with dating fatigue, Leadingham took a “boysober” hiatus from dating apps, communication with her exes, hookups, situationships, dates, and she practiced celibacy for five months to focus on herself.

“I was exhausted from all the emotional games with dating and online dating,” she says. “During this period, I was able to take a step back from the dating world and work on my personal development.”

She focused on creating a space to heal, reassess her priorities, and work on self-improvement without the distractions or pressures of romantic relationships.

“This process helped me get in touch with myself and boosted my self-worth, as I wasn’t falling into bed with the wrong partners and feeling horrible when they ghosted,” says Leadingham.

During the five months, she became more conscious and intentional with who and what she let into her life. “When I finally felt confident in myself, I returned to dating, knowing exactly what I wanted. In a short few months, I met the love of my life,” she says.

Strategies for Embracing the Celibacy Lifestyle

If you’re ready to give celibacy a try or are currently celibate, the following tips can help you embrace this lifestyle.

Engage in Charitable Work

“12-step fellowships operate on that principle: you’re helping others, and in the process working on yourself. Plus you feel connected to the fellowship and to a ‘higher power,’ which can help you feel less lonely and separate,” says Snyder.

Prioritize Self-care

Many people report that during a period of celibacy they’re able to focus on their own needs without the distractions of needing to take care of a partner, says Snyder. Consider meditation, exercise, nutrition planning, sleeping, and other activities and pursuits that bring you joy, purpose, and growth.

Practice Non-Sexual Intimacy

Fostering deep connections with others without sex is possible. Leadingham suggests quality time and undivided attention through meaningful conversations, physical touch through hand-holding or hugging, acts of service, thoughtful gift-giving, words of affirmation, shared activities and hobbies, emotional vulnerability where both partners are seen and heard, and consistent support through life’s ups and downs.

“The key is to focus on the other person and what makes them feel uniquely loved, seen, and cherished,” she says.

Surround Yourself With a Support System

Spend time with people who support and respect your choice, and lean on them when you need encouragement. “If no one in your circle understands your choice, you don’t need their approval,” says Leadingham. “Search out celibacy support groups online in your local area to find like-minded people. Above all, trust that you are on a unique journey that’s right for you.”

Stand Up For Your Choice

When faced with societal pressures or criticism about celibacy, Ledingham says stand firm in your convictions and use it as a chance to share your perspective with openness and honesty.

“Choosing to be celibate can be a brave and meaningful decision, but it’s not always an easy path. It’s understandable to face challenges and moments of doubt along the way. Remember to be kind and patient with yourself.”

Keep in Mind

As celibacy gains momentum from celebrities and the like, there are varied reasons why people might choose this lifestyle. If you decide to try celibacy for a period of time, there are ways to make it easier.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How To Reprioritize Pleasure In Relationships

By Lia Avellino, LCSW

Why is something that feels so good so hard to fit into our lives? As a mother of three small children, the demands of modern life sometimes get in the way of me choosing pleasure. I often prioritize what I have to do over what I want to do.

It’s not just me—we live in a culture that rewards productivity, yet what we know about desire is that it feels stifled by routine.

As sex educator Emily Nagoski described in Come as You Are, we all have a “sexual response system” that functions like a car, with an accelerator (that picks up on “erotic stimuli,” or reasons to have sex) and brakes (that picks up on reasons not have sex, like responsibilities, life transitions like losing a parent, or racism/misogyny/other socially oppressive forces).

How do we re-center our pleasure?

Mothers, in particular, are often encouraged to create space for our children’s needs over our own. We brainstorm activities that make them happy but don’t think of how to nurture our own peace, ease, and joy. We spend an hour playing Legos, but we don’t invest time in asking ourselves “what brings me delight?”

According to British psychotherapist and social critic Susie Orbach, Ph.D., being a “good” woman means deferring to others, defining the self in relation to others, and anticipating the needs of others. By trying to get it “right” with others, we often lose touch with what feels good for us.

9 accessible ways to reprioritize pleasure in a relationship

What if being a good woman is at odds with being a turned-on and alive woman? What if your pleasure mattered to you just as much as the effort you put into making others feel good? Here, how to do that:

1 Figure out why you aren’t having sex

We don’t have satisfying sex lives for many reasons. Some people didn’t like the sex they were having and stopped because they didn’t know what to do about it. While some have body insecurities that make being present in sex hard, others feel depressed or anxious, as both nervous system states make it difficult to connect to our emotional world or the emotional worlds of our partners.

And some wilting sex lives are indicative of other disconnects in the relationship, like the buildup of feelings of resentment or hurt.

Before you can find a solution, it is important to identify what the disconnect is, as the first step in charting the appropriate path forward. Is this something that you have to address in yourself, take up in your partner, or band with others to address out in the world?

2. Nurture your friendship

One of the top identifiers of romantic partners with a happy sex life are those who are friends. Consider the ways you nurture your friendship. Ask yourself:

  • Do you make time for shared experiences you love?
  • Conversations with eye contact?
  • Things you both laugh about together?

3. Stop trying to go from “stress” to “sex”

Our nervous systems need to be regulated for us to be willing to approach intimate and deep connections. It is difficult to go from a stressful bedtime routine with a toddler or an argument with a teen and then feel “in the mood.”

Before you even approach the idea of sex, ask yourself, “What would make me feel in my body right now?” It might be…

  • Holding the hand of your partner
  • Taking a shower together
  • Playing a card game
  • Sitting next to each other on the sofa to watch a movie
  • Making a warm cup of tea
  • Taking a walk around the block

This “in-between” stress and sex activity might be the necessary step for you to feel more open to sexual connection.

4. Get clear on the science — desire follows will

Sex in the movies tells us that we should be “in the mood” for sex. Desire, for many of us, ignites in response to stimuli and is not out of the blue.

In other words, once we get started and open ourselves up to the sexual experience, the feeling of desire builds.

5. Make time for it — whether that’s spontaneous or scheduled

Couples tend to leave sex for after all the other “stuff” of life—cooking, cleaning, making phone calls, etc. If you have a window of time available, have sex first to ensure it’s prioritized.

And it’s not just jumping at your chance spontaneously—it may take a bit of planning. Though this can sound really unsexy, scheduling sex is one of the most fundamental aspects of a thriving sexual relationship.

When you think about it, even when you were single, you still scheduled sex; it was just less explicit. You knew that after your dinner date at around 11 p.m., you’d do it.

Forecasting your week ahead with your partner and getting it on the calendar increases the likelihood that you will actually have a sexy experience as opposed to leaving it up to chance.

6. Make a sex menu

Sometimes sex in long-term relationships can get boring. As humans, we change constantly, and so do our sexual preferences. Create a menu that includes appetizers (what gets your appetite going), the main course, and then dessert. Ask your partner to do the same, and consider creative ways to share your menus with each other.

7. Take it off the pedestal

It’s normal to have five-minute sex. It’s normal to have 12-minute sex. It’s normal to have 30-minute sex. Feeling like you need a lot of time or energy to have sex might mean you never have it.

While making time for a satisfying sexual experience is important, don’t let that be a deterrent to you and your partner having a physical experience together. The more sex we have, the easier it is to commit to and build on better sexual experiences.

8. Nurture your own pleasure-centered life

Oftentimes, when I ask women what they want in therapy or support circles, they have no idea because no one has asked them. We have to know what feels good within ourselves before we can expect our partners to know.

Great sex is about how much you like the sex you’re having—which is in part your attunement to yourself and in part your partner’s attunement to you.

Consider how much you allow pleasure—what makes you feel good, inside and outside of sex—to guide your choices? Do you spend time doing what you love? Do you allow yourself to feel good without needing to earn that relaxation, excitement, or ease? What fantasies does your imagination hold?

The more we warm up to the idea that it is our birthright to feel good, the more space we will want to create for sexual goodness.

9. Say no to the nonessentials

Oftentimes, people report that centering their pleasure wasn’t about adding in more things but rather taking things away. In Pleasure Activism, Adrienne Maree Brown reminds us that “Your no makes the way for your yes. Boundaries create the container within which your yes is authentic.”

The more we say no to the nonessentials, the more space we create for feeling good.

The takeaway

There are many forces conspiring against you feeling good. What I have found is centering my own pleasure makes me feel more alive as a mother, a partner, and a worker.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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So you want to get kinky at pride?

— Here’s how to do it safely

Whether you’re a novice or have some kinky experience under your belt, we’ve got you covered!

By

Forget the tired debate about whether kink belongs at Pride—spoiler alert: it does, and it’s here to stay. Instead, focus on how to get kinky at Pride in a way that is safe and will leave a smile on your face when your fave month is over.

There are easy tips and tricks to staying safe while living out your queer kinkster dreams at Pride, but if you’re brand new to the kink scene, sex educator and writer Midori recommends dipping your toe in the kinky waters before jumping into playing at Pride. Midori is an alternative sexuality, BDSM, and Shibari coach, a co-director of Kink Informed Certification for Sexual Health Alliance, and author of Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage.

“You essentially have a situation where somebody who might be considered a tourist is coming into a subculture celebration,” she tells PRIDE. “It’s not fair to anyone. First of all, it’s not a learning environment. It’s a party environment.”

“I want them to get the knowledge, but a party environment—a festival—is not the place for that,” she explains. For novices, inserting yourself into the kink community at Pride means that you’ll likely end up putting an “unrealistic expectation for education on somebody who’s just there to have fun.”

While LT Hawk—a Black, trans-nonbinary, queer, radical pleasure-based sex educator, artist, kink performer, and activist—agrees that Pride Month is a tough time to get kinky for the very first time, newbies are still welcome but should consider sticking to attending more causal gatherings. Hawk says that it’s also important to be honest about your experience level and to not push yourself past your comfort level in an attempt to prove yourself because “there are inherent risks that cannot be removed in kink play,” they explain.

Asking the people you want to play with about safety and harm reduction—especially when you’re inexperienced—isn’t something you should feel shy or embarrassed about. “It’s okay to ask that,” Hawk says. “It’s not a buzzkill. It’s not going to ruin the mood. Anybody who’s an experienced person is going to appreciate that you’re having an open conversation.”

For those who have at least a little experience under their belt, cultivating a friend group within the kink scene you’re into can be a way great way to protect yourself and also give you an outlet to talk about all of the fun experiences you’re having. Midori recommends asking a trusted friend to be your “safe call.” Then, tell this friend where you are going and ask them to come and track you down if they don’t hear from you by a specific time.

“Have a safe call, have a buddy, not just when you’re in trouble, but let’s say you have a really awesome kink hookup; you want to have somebody to talk to,” she explains.

You can also tap into the collective knowledge and experience of this community of kinky friends when vetting potential play partners. If there is a new party you want to go to or a new play partner you want to get kinky with, run it by these friends first.

When vetting people, Midori warns you to trust your instincts and don’t “get all like swoon-y for skill and surface hotness” because how they treat you and the level of respect they give you is more important.

“With something like kink, somebody can get a reputation for being really awesome at flogging, or medical scenes, or bondage, and they’re probably really good at that,” she says, but warns that “they could also be an absolute a—hole.”

You should also be wary of people who demand that you call them “Mistress” or push your boundaries in other ways before you’ve negotiated and given consent. If that happens, Midori says it’s best to walk away.

For those traveling to a new city during Pride, Hawk cautions that while you can’t eliminate risk—especially when getting kinky—you might want to steer clear of “more obscure underground events because you don’t really know many people in that space.”

If you’re going on what Midori calls a “kink and f—king tourism” trip to celebrate Pride in a city you’ve never been to before, she recommends getting a second phone number and separate email address to use for hookups and party plans. Not only will this protect your digital security, but it will keep your personal life separate from the kinky activities you love. “[A person] might be totally fine being an absolute out queer freakazoid, but you work, say, in a school district, or a corporation, or whatever—you want to have the information security.”

Once Pride is over and your kinky celebration must come to an end, Midori explains that you’ll likely experience a “come down”—similar to the “sub drop” submissives experience after an intense BDSM scene—that could leave you feeling lonely, tired, lethargic, irritable, agitated, and scattered even if you had a fantastic experience. “After such events, there’s a comedown, whether it’s vanilla Pride or Pride laced with leather, there’s going to be a comedown, there’s going to be a drop.” Whether you feel that drop immediately after you get home or the day after, it’s crucial to take of yourself and know that your feelings are normal.

“It’s like coming down from a big party, or coming down from sports, [you] know that that’s likely going to happen, so after Pride, or after a big kink hoopla, make space for easy landing,” she says. People need the time and space to emotionally recover.

Hawk agrees that aftercare is essential, regardless of whether you participated in a challenging kink scene or attended an event where you didn’t participate. “What I would want to say to someone is give yourself grace and be patient with yourself if you have a lot of different thoughts and ideas that come up.”

Midori offers one more practical piece of advice she wishes someone had given her before her first Folsom Street Fair, but it also applies to Pride celebrations: Wear sunscreen. “I had a really sexy outfit that was mostly fishnets,” she recalls. “I burned my legs so bad. Peeling fishnet off of sunburned, blistered skin, it kind of looked like fish scale.” Hawk also had practical advice for kinky Pride goers: Stay hydrated because you aren’t “just going to a dance party.”

Stay kinky and stay safe this Pride season!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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‘It made me feel judged’

— Why it’s harder to get sexual healthcare if you practice consensual non-monogamy

People who are consensually non-monogamous choose to have multiple sexual or romantic partners.

By and

Consensual non-monogamy is a surprisingly popular relationship style. Some research from North America suggests as many as one in 20 people may be in a polyamorous, swinging or open relationship – with one in five saying they’d like to try it.

Although multiple sexual partners potentially brings increased exposure to sexually transmitted infections, research has shown that consensually non-monogamous people are very good at practising safer sex.

They’re more likely to discuss safer sex with their multiple partners. And, they test for sexually transmitted infections at significantly higher rates than monogamous people do.

Being able to access sexual healthcare is of great importance for consensually non-monogamous people. But many continue to face barriers when accessing sexual health services, as our research has shown.

In line with other research, we found stereotypes, myths and a general lack of understanding about consensual non-monogamy all act as potential barriers to healthcare.

For instance, when they go to their GP or clinic for testing, it’s not unusual for them to be met by doctors and nurses who either don’t understand their relationships or who actively stigmatise them. Approximately a third of our participants either never, or only sometimes, revealed their relationship style to medical professionals.

Assumptions might be made about their relationship, with one participant saying: “I was not asked ‘Do you have multiple partners?’ but ‘do you have a boyfriend?’, which was a confusing question full of assumptions.”

Or they might be treated with outright hostility, with another participant sharing, “One [doctor] considered it a form of cheating and intimate partner violence”.

In the UK only 85% of medical students report having received training on working with patients who have diverse gender identities and sexualities. To our knowledge, no medical students are being trained on how to work with consensually non-monogamous patients.

This has serious implications, as a lack of understanding around consensual non-monogamy can create barriers to patients receiving appropriate healthcare and building trust with their providers.

Many patients even told us about the frustrating interactions they’d had as a result of this lack of knowledge and understanding.

I told the doctor (a woman in her 50s) that at the moment I had one regular partner and we are polyamorous, so he also has other people, and sometimes I also have other partners. She reacted saying “Oh! How modern! And … are you ok with that?” This wasn’t great as it made me feel judged and she stepped into feeding her curiosity.

Sometimes, stigma can even result in not receiving the care they need. One participant reported going to their GP for birth control but being denied: “The GP immediately said I would have [sexually transmitted diseases] because of my ‘lifestyle choices’ and they could not prescribe birth control without doing STD testing.”

It’s not surprising that participants had significantly lower trust in healthcare providers than the general population. Nor is it surprising that consensually non-monogamous people are often quite picky about where they seek out sexual healthcare, as we found in our most recent study.

Many of our study’s participants reported feeling more trusting and at ease in sexual health clinics that were accustomed to helping people from diverse sexual backgrounds. One participant even revealed: “It has only been in LGBT spaces where I have not experienced judgement.”

For others, however, a lack of services means they have to simply engage with what’s available – sometimes lying to ensure a smoother ride. One participant revealed: “I always say ‘my partner is an asshole and cheats on me’ then I get tested without an issue (maybe sympathy) rather than judgement of being poly.”

Removing barriers

To remove these barriers, it’s vital doctors and nurses develop a better understanding of consensual non-monogamy and the unique healthcare needs this group has. But this change needs to come from within institutions. Many who are consensually non-monogamous do not wish to take on the role of relationship educators – especially given the potential risks for stigma.

As time goes on, general awareness and exposure to realistic depictions of consensual non-monogamy will probably continue to increase. We may even one day see it taught as standard in relationship, sex and health education (although current trends in sex education suggest this is probably a long way off).

But until a time when the myths and stigma around consensual non-monogamy have been dispelled, the onus is on institutions to make sure their services are inclusive.

This might include using inclusive language, not making assumptions about relationship structures or getting familiar with terminology and practices within communities. These practices can help build and maintain trust between doctors and patients – and make it more likely that patients will receive the treatment they need.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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LGBTQ+ students may need to seek sex education outside school due to curricula gaps

— Doing so could force them to seek inaccurate, potentially dangerous advice elsewhere

  • Addressing negligence could be ‘life-saving,’ argue study authors
  • Curricula based on abstinence-only approaches or religious principles, or contained oppressive, suppressive elements marginalized LGBTQ+ youth, survey found
  • ‘I wish I was taught about gay sex, sexual orientation, and all the other controversial topics that [are deemed] ‘grooming,’ one survey respondent said

Children across the U.S. who identify as LGBTQ+ say the sexual health-education curricula they receive is leaving them without essential information to make informed decisions about their sexual health, which could force them to seek potentially inaccurate or dangerous advice elsewhere.

The results of a new, national, peer-reviewed survey, show these young people — aged 13 to 17 — believe crucial topics surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity are being omitted from sexual health-education programs.

One survey respondent said, “I wish I was taught about gay sex, sexual orientation, and all the other controversial topics that [are deemed] ‘grooming.’ When kids aren’t taught good sex ed, they learn how to do it in an unhealthy way from other sources like the internet or word of mouth. If we teach children about these topics, they’ll be safer when they become teenagers.” (Read more comments below)

Experts who led the study say the addition of key items in the curricula could be “life-saving.”

The study will be published June 17 in The Journal of Sex Research.

“LGBTQ+ youth expressed a strong desire to learn more about topics related to their sexual orientation and gender identity, highlighting a critical gap in existing curricula,” said study author Erica Szkody, a postdoctoral research associate at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine who led the data collection for the study.

“Despite the well-known benefits of comprehensive sexual health education, the majority of school sexual health-education curricula in the U.S. is non-comprehensive and excludes LGBTQ+ students. Our analyses underscore the extent of this exclusion.”

Szkody works in the Lab for Scalable Mental Health, which is directed by Jessica Schleider, associate professor of medical social sciences and pediatrics at Feinberg.

Of more than 800 survey respondents, most participants reported a lack of LGBTQ+ content in their sexual health-education experiences. In order to be educated on sexual health, most were using extracurricular sources including online spaces, friends and personal experiences with sexual exploration. The authors found these extracurricular sources are frequently preferred by LGBTQ+ youth; but may lack accuracy and reliability.

Overall, participants described feeling marginalized by curricula that were based on abstinence-only approaches, religious principles or contained oppressive and suppressive elements, such as negative remarks about LGBTQ+ individuals or skipping required LGBTQ+ content altogether.

“The exclusion of LGBTQ+ students from the curricula may contribute to poor health outcomes in LGBTQ+ youth, with some research beginning to document these experiences and provide recommendations for curricula changes,” said lead author Steven Hobaica, clinical psychologist and research scientist at The Trevor Project, whose mission is to end suicide among LGBTQ+ young people. “Addressing this negligence is urgent and could be life-saving.”

“Given the current political climate, with legislation attempting to exclude LGBTQ+ information in schools, we encourage policymakers to continue fighting for LGBTQ+ inclusion in curricula as a means to prevent health problems for a vulnerable group,” he said.

The survey also provided LGBTQ+ young people the opportunity to openly share on their experiences and recommendations for change regarding sexual health education:

These suggestions included:

  • More LGBTQ+ content in sexual health education curricula, as well as more detail on healthy and diverse relationships (e.g., non-monogamy, polyamory), consent, safety in relationships and communication skills.
  • Creating safe and supportive spaces while considering legitimate fears due to a possible increase in bullying, as they had heard students make fun of the material or use discriminatory language during past implementation.
  • Updating sexual health-education materials to reflect LGBTQ+ lived experiences, history and risk factors.
  • Creating sexual health interventions focused on LGBTQ+ experiences and concerns. Improving access to reliable sexual health information.
  • Creating more accessible sexual-health information via other avenues, such as online and through mobile applications.

Other comments from survey respondents include:

“I wish others understood that while the anatomy-related knowledge is important, we need sexual [health] education that is relevant to today’s world. This involves sexual [health] education [about] dangers and safety on the Internet, [same-sex/gender] relations, and education geared towards attraction and feelings rather than a lesson only [regarding] heterosexual procreation. I wish they took our real-life experiences and insecurities into account.”

“It is NOT HARMFUL to talk about gender identity and sexuality with high schoolers. It SAVES LIVES.”

The authors hope their findings contribute to a “critical” policy shift toward including LGBTQ+ young people in sexual health education, a community that is “often underserved.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to get the sexual health care you deserve

— Advocating for yourself might not be as awkward as you think.

By Keren Landman, MD

Health care providers don’t talk enough to their patients about sex. Sometimes, that’s because they’re uncomfortable talking about the issue or because their appointments are too short. Other times, it’s because providers fear patients don’t want to talk to them about the subject (they’re usually wrong) or because they make assumptions about whether certain patients are sexually active at all.

In the US, the result is that many Americans with sexually transmitted infections (STIs) go undiagnosed and untreated — and that the stigma and shame some people feel about sex persists.

If you’re one of the millions who’s struggling to get the sexual health care you need, it’s worth thinking about how to “manage up” your sexual health care. That is, how to guide your provider toward the conversations you want to have; the testing, exams, or preventive strategies you might need; and the information that will help you make your healthiest decisions going forward.

In an ideal world, offering all patients proactive sexual health care would be a matter of routine for a wide range of health care providers. It shouldn’t be on you to initiate these conversations, but if it is, there are tools to help you get your needs met.

How to talk about STIs and contraception

Many patients feel really awkward bringing up sex with their health care providers. Bruce Furness, a preventive medicine doctor who’s practiced sexual health care in the Washington, DC, area for 22 years, wishes it weren’t that way: “If every primary care provider in this country would ask, at some point in their interactions with their patients, ‘Have you had sex in the last year, and was it pleasurable?’” it would open up so many helpful conversations with patients who simply don’t know where to start, he says.

In the absence of that, you can start by mentioning you’ve read about high rates of sexually transmitted infections and are wondering how to protect yourself. If it applies, you could explain you’re in a new relationship and ask to discuss the best ways to prevent infections and pregnancy. It’s also fine to just say, “I know I’m here for a checkup, but can we talk about my sexual health for a few minutes? I have some questions.”

People often seek sexual health care to get evaluated for STIs. Health authorities recommend routine testing for a range of common infections among people who have oral, vaginal, or anal sex, especially when there’s a new sex partner or someone has multiple partners. It also makes sense to get tested if you’re sharing sex toys or having skin-to-skin contact in the genital area with another person. It’s smart to get tested for STIs if you have new symptoms, too; that includes those in the genital area, as well as more general, body-wide symptoms that follow sexual encounters (especially condomless ones) with people who have lots of other sex partners.

Want to read more?

There are tons of sex ed and relationship resources for people of all ages. Here are some of the best:

Syphilis transmission, in particular, has risen explosively in the US over the past few years and is broadly underdiagnosed. Ina Park, a doctor at a San Francisco sexual health clinic and author of Strange Bedfellows, a book about the science and history of STIs, recommends that patients getting tested for STIs ask their providers to ensure they’re specifically testing them for that infection.

Your provider may suggest collecting samples during your visit for STI testing, or order tests to be done in a lab. Asking when and how you’ll get your results, as well as what happens if any of the tests turn up positive, can help you anticipate what’s next. You can also discuss which STIs can be treated and what that treatment might look like.

Providers offering sexual health services offer a range of strategies for preventing STIs and pregnancy, including both kinds of condoms and medications or vaccines that can prevent STIs. It might help to specifically ask about “pre-exposure or post-exposure prophylaxis” to learn about strategies for preventing some STIs by taking certain drugs before or after sex.

Don’t hesitate to ask about specific infections you’re particularly worried about. This summer, mpox (formerly known as monkeypox) is on lots of people’s minds, and there’s a vaccine available to protect people at risk. Additionally, the CDC just published new guidelines for using a medication morning-after-style to prevent syphilis in certain people, and you can ask your provider if it might be right for you.

Contraception — including long-acting options like IUDs, daily options like birth control pills, and emergency options like Plan B — is also squarely in the purview of sexual health care. If you’re concerned about unplanned pregnancy, ask your provider what the best options are for you and what side effects you can anticipate. It’s also wise to determine whether contraception is covered by your insurance, something you might need to contact your insurance company about. If the cost of your preferred contraception method is a concern, talk to your provider about how and where to get affordable contraception.

Sexual health care involves a different set of considerations and providers than abortion care. If you need help finding a provider to talk to about abortion, check out I Need An A or Abortion Finder. Aid Access, Plan C, and Mayday Health also offer information on how people in the US can access medication abortion online.

Pleasure, mental health, and relationship issues are also part of sexual health

Pleasure and desire should be part of sex — and if they’re not, health care providers can often help get you on the path to changing that. If sex or masturbation has stopped being (or never has been) pleasurable, you can ask your doctor about what might be the cause. If you’re a woman who’s experiencing pain during sex, you may want to discuss how to use lube, whether you might benefit from pelvic floor physical therapy, or, if you’re menopausal, estrogen cream or pills.

These kinds of conversations might feel weird, but remember — these issues are common, and they’re an important part of your overall health. You can tell your doctor you’re concerned you have a low libido, for example, or that you’re having trouble getting an erection or reaching climax, and ask if there are medications or behavioral strategies you can try. You might also want to ask if and how another illness or its treatment might affect your sex life; this includes men with enlarged prostates, whose treatment can sometimes affect sexual function.

There’s an enormous overlap between mental health and people’s enjoyment of sex.

There’s an enormous overlap between mental health and people’s enjoyment of sex, says Park. “Whether or not [sex] is pleasurable can actually be affected by one’s mental state,” she says. On the flip side, sex can sometimes be the cause of mental health harms: People may use it to fill a need that isn’t being met or may take risks or stay with abusive partners. Park sees many patients in their 30s and 40s who “are now much more aware of how their mental state affects the partners that they choose, and then how it affects their sexual experience.”

You can mention to your provider that you’re concerned your mental health might be impacting your sex life — or vice versa. You can also tell them you’re not always happy with the way your sex partner treats you and ask to chat about that.

Questions about partners are often on people’s minds when they get tested for STIs. Solicit your provider for pointers on how to talk to a partner about testing before having sex for the first time, or how to tell a partner if you test positive for an STI. Providers can also give you advice on what to do if your partner doesn’t want to use a condom.

Many sexual health providers can help you navigate the tricky waters around STIs and concerns about partners who are nonmonogamous. It’s okay to ask your doctor what to do if you or your partner have been nonmonogamous and you’re worried you might have an STI. (It’s also fine to ask whether you should be tested for STIs at all if you’re married and assume your spouse is monogamous!)

Who should I even be going to for my sexual health care?

It would be great if everyone felt comfortable going to their primary care providers for most of their sexual health care needs. However, says Park, people who come to see her for their care are sometimes avoiding their primary care providers due to past experiences of being shamed or judged at their practice. Religious exemption laws have recently made it easier for health care professionals to refuse providing certain kinds of sexual and reproductive health care.

Furness finds that unacceptable. “Every provider should be comfortable talking to any patient about sex,” he says. “We’ve made excuses for far too long.”

He suggests asking your primary care provider if they’re comfortable talking about sex. If not, ask why — it might be less about judgment and more about a lack of knowledge or time. If they bristle or get upset, Furness suggests filing a written complaint. “It’s not about getting them in trouble — it’s about resource allocation and figuring out what they can do both as an individual and as a health care home to make sure this doesn’t happen again,” he says.

“Every provider should be comfortable talking to any patient about sex.”

If you don’t have a primary care provider, or if you don’t want to get your care from them, you can find providers who specialize in sexual health using CDC’s Get Tested website. If price is a concern, clinics run by health departments are often the lowest-cost option.

In their guide on taking charge of your sexual health, The National Coalition for Sexual Health lists qualities to look for in a sexual health care provider: They should speak using words you understand, listen without assumptions or judgment, answer respectfully, ask for and use your pronouns, explain their reasoning for any examinations or testing, support your autonomy, and maintain your confidentiality. (Their front desk staff should also be respectful; tell your provider if they’re not.)

Some issues are truly best addressed by a specialist like an OB-GYN, a urologist, a women’s health nurse practitioner, a mental health professional, or a sex therapist. Talk to whoever ends up providing your first line of sexual health care if you’re concerned you have a less common issue that might require care outside of a general practice setting.

What about online providers and at-home testing?

Many people may find it more appealing to go online to address their sexual health care needs. They have a lot to choose from: There’s a dizzying array of direct-to-consumer home STI testing kits available, plus companies offering telehealth provider-guided care.

Although these options aren’t bad in principle, they’re not right for everyone, and many of them are a lot pricier than their alternatives.

Home testing is best for certain groups of people, says Furness: People who’ve never been tested for STIs or HIV, as a way of getting into the habit; those who live far from a place where they can get STI testing; teens living in urban areas (where the risk that any given sex partner has an STI is higher than in other areas); and sexual or gender minorities who haven’t come out to anyone — including their health care providers. People should only opt for home testing if they don’t have symptoms, says Park. When someone has, say, abnormal vaginal discharge, they should be tested for additional conditions that aren’t included in home tests, including a few that may be more serious.

Several sites make home testing for STIs and HIV available for free, among them I Want The Kit and Take Me Home. Although the tests do not include a telehealth or in-person visit with a provider, they typically ask you to choose a provider you’d follow up with in case of a positive result, and send your results to that provider if you do turn out to have an infection.

These kits can be a reasonable choice, but you do really lose something by not seeing an in-person provider, says Furness: “You’re missing that comprehensive sexual history,” which involves conversations about the kind of sex you have, the anatomical areas that are getting exposed to potential infections, and any behaviors that might create extra risk of STIs, he says. This is where finding the right provider, and knowing how to ask for what you need, especially comes into play.

The better your provider knows you, the more individually they can fine-tune your care. For example, they might recommend not just testing a urine sample, but also swabbing your throat or your butt to look for certain infections. Your provider might recommend more frequent screening if you’re having sex with lots of anonymous partners, sex while drunk or high, or sex in exchange for money. Also lacking from standalone test kits and some online services is guidance on what to do to help your sex partners get treated if you test positive for an STI.

Ultimately, though, the best sexual health care is the kind you actually get. “Some people like to come in in-person and have that interaction and discussion. Some people don’t want to and would rather test in their home,” says Park. “I actually feel like we need to have a lot of options to meet people’s needs.”

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Platonic Marriages

— Why Women Are Getting Hitched To Their Besties

By Elizabeth Pearson

In an era where traditional definitions of marriage and family are increasingly being challenged and redefined, a new trend is emerging: women are marrying each other not out of romantic love, but for practical and legal reasons, according to a recent article in the New York Times.

These unions, often formed between besties, offer a host of benefits—from legal protections and insurance benefits to shared responsibilities and mutual support at work functions. I was deeply curious about this phenomenon, as it is part of a deeper discussion happening between women around the topic, “Do we really need men?”

Women are not only evaluating the role and importance men pay in their lives, but they’ve started an all-out boycott in South Korea know as the 4B movement, which is essentially a rejection of men. Women who embrace the 4B movement are refusing heterosexual marriage, childbirth, dating, and heterosexual sexual relationships. So, if women are opting out of trad-wife life, what are they embracing? Marrying their best friends. Let’s explore the potential impact of a platonic marriage on women’s careers and finances, and compare it with “traditional” marriage stats.

The Trend of Non-Romantic Same-Sex Marriages

While there is limited formal data on the prevalence of non-romantic same-sex marriages, anecdotal evidence suggests that this trend is growing. These arrangements are particularly appealing to women seeking the benefits of marriage without the traditional expectations of romantic involvement. Legal marriage provides a framework for numerous advantages, which can be particularly important in navigating the complexities of modern life.

Legal and Social Benefits

One of the primary motivations for these marriages is the legal protections they offer. Married couples, regardless of gender or romantic involvement, gain access to numerous legal rights and benefits which include:

  1. Insurance Benefits: Spousal coverage for health insurance is a significant incentive. Given the high cost of individual health plans, being able to cover a friend as a spouse can lead to substantial savings and better health care options.
  2. Legal Protections and Advocacy: In many jurisdictions, spouses are granted the right to make medical decisions for each other and have automatic inheritance rights. This can be crucial in emergencies or when dealing with complex legal situations.
  3. Social Acceptance and Support: Attending work and family gatherings as a couple can provide social cover and support. This can be particularly beneficial in conservative environments where being single or unmarried might be viewed negatively.

Financial Upsides

The financial benefits of these non-romantic marriages are significant. Sharing a home and pooling resources can lead to considerable savings. Here’s how:

  1. Shared Living Expenses: By sharing rent or mortgage payments, utilities, and other household expenses, both parties can significantly reduce their cost of living. This financial stability can allow for greater savings and investment in personal or professional growth.
  2. Tax Benefits: Married couples often benefit from tax breaks and incentives. These can include filing jointly for potentially lower tax rates and exemptions that single individuals do not receive.
  3. Combined Resources for Investments: Couples can combine their financial resources to invest in property, start businesses, or save for retirement, creating a stronger financial foundation for both individuals.

Impact on Careers

Marrying a close friend can also have positive implications for one’s career:

  1. Professional Support: Having a spouse who understands and supports your career ambitions can be a tremendous advantage. This support can come in the form of networking, attending company events together, and providing emotional backing during challenging times.
  2. Work-Life Balance: Sharing household responsibilities can lead to a better work-life balance. This balance can improve job performance and reduce stress, leading to greater career satisfaction and success.
  3. Enhanced Mobility: With the stability and support of a trusted partner, individuals might feel more confident in pursuing job opportunities that require relocation or extensive travel.

Comparing with Traditional Marriages

Traditional marriages, defined by romantic involvement, have long been the norm. However, they come with their own set of challenges. Statistics show that in 2023, approximately 43% of marriages of first time marriages in the United States end in divorce. This statistic highlights the potential instability and emotional toll of romantic marriages.

In contrast, non-romantic marriages based on mutual respect and shared goals might offer a more stable foundation. While there is no extensive data on the success rates of non-romantic same-sex marriages, the practical nature of these unions might reduce the emotional conflicts that often lead to divorce.

The Changing Landscape of Marriage

The trend of women marrying each other for practical benefits reflects broader changes in societal norms and values. As traditional definitions of marriage evolve, these platonic unions highlight the importance of legal and financial stability, mutual support, and practical partnership.

While this trend might seem unconventional, it aligns with a growing recognition that marriage is not solely about romantic love. It can also be a strategic partnership that enhances both parties’ lives in meaningful ways.

By leveraging the legal and financial benefits of marriage, women can create stable, supportive environments that enhance their personal and professional lives. This trend not only challenges traditional notions of marriage but also opens up new possibilities for how we define family and partnership in a world where women long to feel more in control of their bodies and lives.

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Let’s Talk About Sex

— Willow Defebaugh reflects on nature, queerness, and species that challenge our binary notions of gender and sexuality.

“Remember this, whoever you are, however you are, you are equally valid, equally justified, and equally beautiful.”
—Juno Dawson

We all heard the “birds and the bees” talk as kids—which I’m assuming, for most of us, focused primarily on reproduction. From an early age, we are indoctrinated into heterosexuality and the gender binary: the idea that there are two fixed, “opposite” sexes that attract. It’s ironic that animals are often used as the analogy, because in nature we find a diverse array of flora, fauna, and fungi that challenge our notions of gender and sexuality.

Nature has long been weaponized against queer people, but homosexual behavior is common in the animal kingdom—from primates and dolphins to lions and giraffes to starfish and snakes. This behavior is not limited to sex alone, either; it can also include cuddling, singing, mating, and courtship. Penguins have been known to form socially monogamous same-sex relationships; in 2022, one such couple became fathers at the Rosamond Gifford Zoo in Syracuse, New York.

Transness and gender nonconformity are plentiful in nature as well. The water is not the only aspect of the ocean that is inherently fluid; deep beneath the waves, a number of species change sex as part of their lifecycle. All clownfish are born male, living in groups with one dominant female. When the female dies, the dominant males in a school turn female in order to lay eggs and reproduce. Hawkfish exhibit even more fluidity; mature females often become male, but have been observed to switch back if the conditions change. Examples of drag exist too, with male cuttlefish known to take on the coloration of females to ward off other males competing for mates.

Meanwhile, on land, the majority of slugs are simultaneous hermaphrodites, meaning that they possess all of the reproductive organs of their species. This means they are capable of both impregnating themselves and each other; two slugs can mate and both end up pregnant. Some species of snakes display parthenogenesis—asexual reproduction—as well, both laying and fertilizing their own eggs. Female flowerpot snakes can even produce identical female young.

Some birds and insects break the binary even further, exhibiting what’s known as gynandromorphism—meaning that they display characteristics of more than one sex beyond just reproductive organs. This is often expressed through coloration; males and females can take on dramatically different appearances in many species, but those showing gynandromorphism have their coloration split right down the middle.

It is not just animals. Trees are divided into cosexual (having both male and female parts in the same flowers), monoecious (separate male and female flowers or cones on the same tree), dioecious (distinct male and female trees), and polygamous (containing some combination of male, female, and cosexual flowers on the same tree). The striped maple was recently discovered to change sex. And sexual diversity is incredibly common in the fungi kingdom; splitgill mushrooms have over 23,000 sexes, merging and procreating in all manner of combinations.

While conservatives cling to bioessentialism, nature sings of beautiful biodiversity. For too long, Western ideas about gender and sexuality have been imposed upon the human and nonhuman worlds. Any arguments which claim that LGBTQIA+ people are unnatural stem from the same thinking that separated humans from the rest of nature in the first place. Humans are queer just like nature is queer, because we are nature. Imagine if kids learned that, rather than just the birds and the bees.

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7 Things You Need to Know About LGBTQ+ Healthcare

— To celebrate Pride Month, here are the seven LGBTQ+ health topics physicians should know about from Drs. McDonald and Nass’s conversation.

Physician’s Weekly editorial board member Alex McDonald, MD, CAQSM, FAAFP, spoke with Scott Nass, MD, MPA, FAAFP, AAHIVS (Aledade), about LGBTQ+ healthcare for a podcast episode. Since 2019, Dr. Nass has served as Chief Medical Officer for the transgender community-founded and led Transgender Health and Wellness Center in Palm Springs, Riverside, and San Diego, CA. Additionally, he is a past president of GLMA: Health Professionals Advancing LGBTQ Equality. To celebrate Pride Month, here are the seven LGBTQ+ health topics physicians should know from their conversation.

1. Who are LGBTQ+ patients, and what encompasses that term?

“As we start to see more role models in the media, we’re beginning to understand how expansive sexual orientation and gender identity can be,” says Dr. Nass. “Traditionally, we used LGBT to stand for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender. That probably captured then, and still does, most folks who are members of the larger community. However, over the years, several other letters have been added: “Q” for queer, gender queer, and queer in terms of sexual orientation, so that’s a more encompassing letter. And then the ‘+’ to be inclusive, but we understand that not everyone will see themselves in ‘+.’ In some places, you might see “I” for intersex. Often, intersex folks are excluded when we have conversations around LGBTQ+ health. “A” can stand for asexual or aromantic. “P” could be for pansexual, polyamorous, or any number of things. It’s important to realize that when we try to be inclusive by using indications like “+,” we may still be somewhat exclusive because we aren’t deliberately and intentionally naming someone. I think the convention will continue to evolve as our definitions and understanding of what sexuality and gender identity continue to evolve.”

2. What’s the difference between sexuality versus gender identity versus sex?

“This is a challenging conversation. The place to start is when we’re in medical school or other health profession schools,” offers Dr. Nass. “I use the gender unicorn graphic to teach medical students and residents. The important part is trying to understand where people are coming from. Identity is foundational to how we begin to describe ourselves. So, knowing:

  1. What sex do we consider ourselves
  2. What gender do we consider ourselves
  3. Who we’re attracted to

These can be interrelated, but they can also be very different things. Sexual orientation and gender identity are very different things. We must be careful not to conflate those things for sure. Traditionally, sexual orientation has been heterosexual and homosexual. Either you were attracted to the opposite sex or the same sex. We now know that sex is not binary. If folks are bisexual, it means rather than being attracted to male and female, which historically is what we understood that to be. But this is now classified as attracted to its own sex and another sex. And pansexual would be all the sexes, including one’s own. It’s kind of broad, but again, who we’re attracted to is different than our sex and gender identity, but very much related. One thing to know about this topic is things are always changing. When it comes to sex, historically, one is referencing biological sex, which can now be a politicized term. Traditionally, folks are male or female appearing, intersex, or some variation that doesn’t quite appear to be specifically male or female at birth. And as we grow, we understand more about ourselves and identify in various ways. Some begin to feel that they don’t necessarily fit into the binary. And so that’s more of an identity they begin to develop that can then be compared to their physical traits, and that helps us understand a little bit more about where they came from and where they want to go.”

“How I explain it in very general terms,” explains Dr. McDonald, “is sexuality is who you’re attracted to. Gender identity is in your head; who do you feel like, a boy or a girl or neither or both? And then sex is sort of your anatomy between your legs.”

3. What health challenges face the LGBTQ+ community?

“I think there are two main issues the LGBTQ+ community faces. One issue is that we aren’t teaching about LGBTQ+ health, the importance of recognizing someone’s sexual orientation, and gender identity, in medical school,” says Dr. Nass. “We talk about people’s families and their jobs, and a lot of times, if we don’t know sexual orientation or gender identity, patients won’t feel comfortable sharing those things. Then, we can’t have full conversations, especially in primary care. I want to treat the whole person, I want to know the whole person, and I want to build that relationship over the years. For me, that’s a critical piece to know who’s in their life, how they see themselves, and how they want to identify in the world. However, we aren’t teaching that in a lot of medical schools or other health profession schools. I think that’s the biggest challenge: we aren’t putting a lot of clinicians out there who understand the importance of someone’s identity and how that can impact their interest in engaging in care or their comfort.

“We know that looking across preventable conditions, something like breast cancer, lesbians or women who otherwise identify as a sexual minority are much less likely to get screened for breast cancer. And when breast cancer is detected, it is more likely to be an advanced stage. There’s no reason for that. If we’re using universal screening, every person with breast tissue coming into a practice should be getting screened at the right age. But that doesn’t happen because there is a misconception about whether people need the same screenings. The same happens for people who identify as a sexual minority with HPV screening. If they’ve never had sex with someone with a penis, then are they really at risk of having HPV on the cervix? The answer is absolutely.

“The second issue is the stigma against LGBTQ+ folks in the healthcare system. Many emergency departments, hospitals, and health systems have not caught up to the idea that all their staff members from the front and back offices, clinicians, and everybody who comes in contact with patients need to have an understanding of what it means to treat someone with respect and in an affirming way. Your job is to take good care of folks, and you probably went into healthcare to ensure people had a good experience in the healthcare system.”

4. How can we overcome the stigma and create a more welcoming hospital environment for our LGBTQ+ patients?

“I think that’s a great way for any health system, organization, or facility to think about what they can do specifically,” explains Dr. Nass. “There are plenty of models out there. There are places to go and see LGBTQ+ health centers or transgender centers of excellence where folks stand out as welcoming. And there’s a need for that in many communities because there isn’t universal affirming care wherever you go. Leadership in organizations needs to lead, find educational opportunities, and train everybody at every level. The goal is to provide a welcoming environment, not doing anything different for folks who are LGBTQ+ than they would anybody else. There must be respect for who they’re married to, who they date, and how they see themselves. For those not in leadership, it’s important to lead around you and create change in your unit or department. I think that as patients and people in the community, there’s a lot we can do to advocate. We can engage with our local clinics or other organizations to help them understand how much is out there in terms of training. The Healthcare Equality Index from HRC is a great way for hospitals to look at how well they’re doing. If you are a clinician, seeing folks be open, inquisitive, listen, repeat what you hear, speak to understand, and appreciate where they’re coming from. I think that’s the most important thing we can do individually.”

“When I started caring for LGBTQ+ patients, I had done some training modules and spoke to some colleagues, but I was fumbling through it,” says Dr. McDonald. “I relied on my patients. I would say, ‘Hey, you know what? I’d like to ask a question. I apologize if this is not the right way. Tell me how I should ask this question.’ My patients taught me a huge amount, but it was sort of by me asking them and not just relying on them to tell me when I was using the wrong term or not asking a question appropriately. By asking, we open the door and help them be the teacher as opposed to us teaching them about their health.”

“Practicing humility with patients is absolutely something I would recommend,” adds Dr. Nass. “For example, a typical scenario would be if you use the wrong name or the pronouns they don’t use, they may not correct you because they suddenly identify this as an unsafe space. They may think that if they correct you, they may not get the care they need that day. Watch the patient’s body language. I’ll do my best to watch folks, and anytime they look away, if they’re looking at me or I see a grimace on their face, I can tell that’s a topic they are uncomfortable with. And as soon as I see that shift in comfort level, I’ll say, ‘I’m sensing something here. What am I sensing?’ I hope they’ll open up with me and say, ‘Actually, these are my pronouns. I wish you wouldn’t have assumed that.’”

5. How can physicians ask patients about gender, orientation, or pronouns?

“Lead by example,” emphasizes Dr. Nass. “I would start with, ‘Hi, I’m Dr. Nass. I use he/him pronouns. Tell me about yourself or who I am meeting with today. Or tell me about everybody who’s in the room today.’ That gives them a chance to use their language to describe themselves, their names, and their language to describe their relationship with the other people in the room. Use open-ended questions all the time. If you have a Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity (SOGI) module in the EHR, be careful not to make assumptions or force people into the binary. If it’s not as broadly set up as it could be, for example, if you cannot put in open-ended responses from folks, don’t pick the thing that matches the closest. You want to ensure you’re always honoring the patient’s language. And even if you can’t click the right box, put it in your free text or your own thinking note. Any information that’s critical to the patient should be accessible when you look at their chart.”

“In my EHR, there’s a SOGI module, which is robust,” explains Dr. McDonald. “I can put preferred names, pronouns, and other items in there. There’s also sort of a little sticky note where you can just put private comments for me. And I’ll often put little tidbits or information in the private comment that help remind me for future visits.”

6. There is a significant lack of data regarding LGBTQ+ health, particularly when it comes to screening measures. What evidence do we have? How can we continue to build this evidence? How do we make sure we’re treating patients based on data and science?

“It’s critical that we talk about this and have this conversation in an ongoing way because this community can resist getting healthcare,” says Dr. Nass. “And having LGBTQ+ folks participate in clinical trials or medical studies has been a challenge for a couple of reasons. Until recently, nobody thought of asking those questions as part of enrollment in trials. So even when we find out that a cancer drug works well for men over 50, what else might be different about those men? Could we look at that even further and see if there’s a differentiation between sexual orientation, for example? At the population level, it’s challenging to sort out these data sets if there are differences based on sexual orientation and/or gender identity. Then we have questions like who should get pap smears and who is more at risk? And we tend to focus on men who have sex with men. But there’s a little conjecture there. But the question is if we did mass universal screening for that within pap smears, for everybody who says, ‘Yes, I have receptive intercourse,’ what kind of a difference are we going to make? We don’t know what the cost-benefit analysis fully is, but I think finding out that information in a larger study is critical for anything that disproportionately affects anyone within the LGBTQ+ community. But again, a lot of stigma remains for folks coming into trials.”

7. Where can physicians get information about how to provide better care for LGBTQ+ patients?  

“There are many local and regional conferences that talk about LGBTQ+ health,” says Dr. Nass. “I’m partial to GLMA’s educational offerings, including its annual conference. There is also the National LGBTQIA+ Health Education Center out of the Fenway Institute, where you can find a lot of free online modules. Then, find folks in your organization who are experts or leading in this area. If you have somebody that patients are mentioning to you or hear about through the grapevine, become their friend.”

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‘A woman should cast off her shame together with her clothes’

— What women in ancient times really thought about sex

By Daisy Dunn

A new book tells the history of the ancient world through women. Here author Daisy Dunn explores what they had to say about their own sexuality – flying in the face of misogynist male stereotypes.

According to Semonides of Amorgos, a male poet working in Greece in the 7th Century BC, there are 10 main kinds of women. There are women who are like pigs, because they prefer eating to cleaning; women who resemble foxes, as they are peculiarly observant; donkey-women, who are sexually promiscuous; dog-women, marked for their disobedience. There are stormy sea-women, greedy Earth-women, thieving weasel-women, lazy horse-women, unattractive ape-women, and – the one good kind – hard-working bee-women.

Of all the women described in this list, which pulsates with the misogyny of the time, those so-called sexually promiscuous “donkey-women” are perhaps the most mysterious.

Getty Images Ancient Greek poet Sappho gave powerful expression to female desire (Credit: Getty Images)
Ancient Greek poet Sappho gave powerful expression to female desire

Historical accounts from the ancient world tend to reveal the cloistered nature of women’s lives. In Greece, women were usually veiled in public, and in Rome, they had “guardians” (ordinarily their father or husband) to supervise their movements and handling of property. Was the concept of the lusty woman pure male fantasy? Or were women of the ancient world more interested in sex than is generally believed?

As I learned while researching my new book The Missing Thread, the first history of the ancient world to be written through women, we have to look hard if we want to uncover what women really thought about sex.

So far were ancient women from flinching at the sight of erotica that some were even buried with it

The vast majority of the surviving sources were written by men who were prone to exaggerate women’s sexual habits in one direction or the other. Some went to such lengths to emphasise a woman’s virtue that they made her seem almost saintly and inhuman. Others purposely presented women as sexually voracious as a means of blackening their characters. If we took these descriptions at face value, we would come to the conclusion that women in the ancient world were either all chaste, or sex-mad. Fortunately, it is possible to peer into the hearts of some classical women, who provide a far deeper view of female sexuality.

Confessions of infatuation

Looking to the same period as the poet quoted above, we encounter Sappho, who composed lyric poetry on the Greek island of Lesbos in the 7th Century BC. Gazing at a woman sitting talking to a man, Sappho documented the intense physical sensations she experienced – fluttering heart, faltering speech, fire through the veins, temporary blindness, ringing ears, cold sweat, trembling, pallor – all of which are familiar to anyone who’s ever fallen in lust. In another poem, Sappho described garlanding a woman with flowers and reminisced wistfully about how, on a soft bed, she would “quench [her] desire”. These are the confessions of a woman who understands the irrepressibility of infatuation.

Sappho’s poems are so fragmentary today that it can be difficult to read them accurately, but scholars have detected in one of the papyri a reference to “dildos”, known in Greek as olisboi. These were employed in fertility rituals in Greece, as well as for pleasure, and feature as such on a number of vase paintings. Later in Rome, too, phallic objects had a talisman-like quality. It would not have made sense for women to shy away from symbols that were believed to bring good luck.

Getty Images A sarcophagus depicting a couple reclining together – one of many examples of romantically-inclined Etruscan artwork (Credit: Getty Images)
A sarcophagus depicting a couple reclining together – one of many examples of romantically-inclined Etruscan artwork

So far were ancient women from flinching at the sight of erotica that some were even buried with it. In the period before Rome came to prominence, the highly skilled Etruscans dominated the Italian mainland and filled it with scenes of a romantic nature. Numerous works of art and pieces of tomb statuary depict men and women reclining together. An incense burner featuring men and women touching each other’s genitals was interred with an Etruscan woman in the 8th Century BC.

How prostitution was perceived

You only have to visit an ancient brothel, such as those of Pompeii, to see that sex was frequently on show. The walls of the dismal, cell-like rooms in which sex workers plied their trade are covered in graffiti, much of it written by male clients, who liked to comment on the performances of named women.

Historical accounts and speeches abound with descriptions of the hardships endured by such workers. Against Neaera, a prosecution speech delivered by Athenian politician Apollodorus in the 4th Century BC, provides particularly startling insight into the precariousness of these women’s lives. Just occasionally, however, we hear from a woman in touch with this world – and her words surprise.

In the 3rd Century BC, a female poet named Nossis living in the toe of Italy wrote in praise of an artwork and the fact that it was funded by a sex worker. A glorious statue of Aphrodite, goddess of sex and love, sung Nossis, had been erected in a temple using money raised by Polyarchis.

Polyarchis was not an anomaly. An earlier hetaera (courtesan or high-status sex worker) called Doricha used the money she had acquired similarly to purchase something for public view, in her case impressive spits for cooking oxen to be displayed at Delphi.

It was not sex these women embraced but rather the rare chance it afforded them to be remembered after they died. The vast majority of the women they knew were destined for anonymity.

Male writers’ insights

Male writers, for all their prejudices, can provide some of the most interesting insights into women and sex. In 411 BC, the comedian Aristophanes put on a play called Lysistrata, in which the women of Athens organise a sex strike in a bid to persuade their husbands to agree peace terms during the Peloponnesian War. This was a real conflict, waged between Athens and Sparta and their respective allies across three decades.

Getty Images Victorian illustrator Aubrey Beardsley's depiction of Lysistrata for a printed edition of the Aristophanes comedy about Athenian women going on a sex strike (Credit: Getty Images)
Victorian illustrator Aubrey Beardsley’s depiction of Lysistrata for a printed edition of the Aristophanes comedy about Athenian women going on a sex strike

Many of the women in the play are less than pleased at having to give up their pleasure. They are made to conform to the donkey-woman stereotype for comic effect. There is a moment, however, at which the play turns in a serious direction and Aristophanes offers a more convincing female viewpoint.

The title character Lysistrata, who organises the strike, describes what it is really like for women in wartime. Not only are they banned from the Assembly, in which the war is discussed, but they are repeatedly bereaved. And while such a protracted conflict is hell for married women, it is still worse for unmarried women, who are deprived of the chance to marry altogether.

It was quite usual among the upper classes for marriages to be arranged – and a woman’s first experience of sex could be disorientating

While the men, Lysistrata points out, may return home from war grey-haired and still marry, the same does not hold true for virgins, many of whom will be deemed too old to wed and procreate. These lines convey the difference between the male and the female experience of war so accurately that it is tempting to believe that they reflect what women of the day were really saying.

We may find real women’s fears surrounding sex expressed in Greek tragedy too. Sophocles, the playwright most famous for Oedipus Rex, had a female character in his lost play Tereus describe what it is like to go from being a virgin to a wife. “And this, as soon as one night has yoked us,” utters Procne, a mythical queen, “we must commend and deem to be quite lovely”.

It was quite usual among the upper classes for marriages to be arranged. A woman’s first experience of sex could be as disorientating as Procne described.

Ancient sex tips

Women sometimes committed such thoughts to papyrus. In a letter attributed to her, Theano, a Greek female philosopher in the circle of Pythagoras (some say she was his wife), offers her friend Eurydice some timeless advice. A woman, she writes, should cast off her shame together with her clothes when she enters her husband’s bed. She can put both back on together as soon as she has stood up again.

Theano’s letter has come under scrutiny and may not be authentic. Nevertheless, it closely echoes what many women have said to each other in more modern times, and its advice seems to have been followed by women in the ancient world as well.

British Museum An ancient Greek vase depicting a woman sprinkling seeds over phalli, which were employed in fertility rituals (Credit: British Museum)
British Museum An ancient Greek vase depicting a woman sprinkling seeds over phalli, which were employed in fertility rituals

A certain Greek poet, Elephantis, was allegedly so keen to give women sex tips that she wrote her own short books on the topic. There is sadly no sign of her work today, but it is mentioned by both the Roman poet Martial and the Roman biographer and archivist Suetonius, who claimed that Emperor Tiberius (notorious for his sexual appetites) owned copies.

Where other women are quoted in other men’s writings, they tend to express themselves in terms of love as opposed to sex explicitly, which marks them out from some of their male contemporaries, including Martial and Catullus.

Lesbia, the pseudonymous lover of Catullus, tells him that “What a lady says to her lover in the moment / Ought to be written on the wind and running water”. The phrase “pillow talk” comes to mind.

Sulpicia, one of the few Roman poetesses whose verses survive, describes her misery at being in the countryside away from her lover Cerinthus on her birthday – and then her relief that she can be in Rome after all.

These women did not need to describe sex with their beloved in crude detail to reveal what they really thought of it. Men may dominate the sources but women, as Aphrodite well knew, could be every bit as passionate when the curtains were closed.

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What does non-binary mean?

— Understanding gender identity, pronouns and more

A guide to the gender identity, and the appropriate language to use.

By Meg Walters

The term ‘non-binary’ is becoming more and more prevalent — but unfortunately, many of us still don’t fully understand exactly what it means. In the simplest terms, non-binary people exist outside of the traditional gender binary. Often, they don’t identify with the gender they were assigned at birth, or with the labels ‘male’ or ‘female’.

Although more and more people are openly identifying as non-binary, anything outside of the typical gender binary is still often misunderstood in the UK. A 2024 survey, for instance, found, transgender, non-binary, and gender diverse still face widespread discrimination and they are, as a result, more likely to experience mental health problems.

For people who don’t identify as non-binary, the term may bring up some confusion. You may wonder which pronouns and what language is appropriate to use. We spoke to Jillian Amodio, a licensed therapist and founder of Moms for Mental Health, and Cecilia Righini, founder and creative director of Studio Lutalica, to bring you a guide to the term ‘non-binary’, so you can always use gender-neutral language that is respectful and considerate for people across the gender spectrum.

Understanding gender identity

Many of us were raised to think of gender in terms of a binary. We were taught that there were two genders and two genders only: male and female. However, gender is a little more complicated than that. For one thing, biological sex and gender identity can sometimes be different.

“One common misconception is that gender identity is synonymous with biological sex,” says Righini. “While biological sex refers to physical attributes, gender identity is about how individuals perceive themselves and what they call themselves.”

Adds Amodio, “Gender identity is a personal sense and understanding of one’s own identity. Gender identity most often matches with sex assigned at birth, but that is not always the case.”

When it comes to identity, gender can sometimes be fluid.

“A misconception is that gender is binary, meaning only male or female,” says Righini. “In reality, gender is a spectrum, and people can identify as male, female, both, neither (that would be the case for myself), or somewhere in between.”

She adds that gender identity isn’t merely a “choice” or a “phase,” but something that is a “deeply ingrained aspect of who someone is.”

Amodio also notes that gender identity shouldn’t be confused with sexual orientation.

“A lot of people confuse gender and sexuality,” she says. “Gender identity and sexual orientation are separate aspects of each individual. Gender is who you are and how you feel — boy, girl, neither, both, and so on. Sexuality is more about who someone is attracted to.”

Non-binary meaning

So, what exactly does the term non-binary mean? As Righini explains, it may not always mean exactly the same thing — rather, it’s a wide umbrella term used to describe “gender identities that do not fit within the traditional understanding of male or female.”

In other words, there is no one non-binary gender identity. “Non-binary people may identify as having a gender that blends elements of both, neither, or a different gender altogether,” she says. “It is important to remember that non-binary identities are diverse and can vary significantly from person to person.”

Amodio agrees, noting, “This is a personal topic and each individual might have their own understanding and meaning behind the use of the word non-binary. It is important to treat each person’s experience as their own and not to make assumptions.”

As such, many people who self-describe as non-binary may express gender in non-traditional ways. “Non-binary people might express their gender in ways that are traditionally associated with both males and females, or in ways that are unique to their personal identity,” Righini says.

Different types of non-binary genders

Because the term ‘non-binary’ describes people whose experience of gender diverges from the typical binary, there are many different “types” of non-binary genders. Everyone’s experience is unique, so there are, in theory, an infinite number of specific “types.”

“Non-binary is not just one identity but a category that encompasses many different ways of experiencing and expressing gender, and some people prefer using the term ‘gender non-conforming’ to avoid reinforcing the concept of binary identities in the first place,” Righini says.

Amodio notes that ‘gender non-conforming’ is another useful term when discussing non-binary identities. “It refers to gendered behaviours,” she says. “For instance, a cisgender man who prefers to wear skirts and dresses is gender non-conforming, but they might still consider their gender identity to be male.”

You may also come across the term ‘gender queer’. “This is a person who identifies as both genders, neither gender or somewhere along the gender continuum,” she says.

The difference between non-binary and transgender

Many people confuse the term “non-binary” with the term transgender, assuming that the two terms are interchangeable. However, while trans people may identify as non-binary and vice versa, the two terms aren’t always simultaneously applicable.

“These terms can overlap,” says Amodio. “Transgender typically refers to a person whose gender identity does not match the sex assigned at birth. Sometimes people feel as though their gender does not neatly fit into more traditional labels such as male, or female. This is often referred to as being non-binary. Non-binary identities can include both male and female, or anywhere along or outside of the gender continuum.”

Adds Righini, “’Transgender’ is a broad term that refers to anyone whose gender identity differs from the sex they were assigned at birth. This includes non-binary individuals but also encompasses those who identify strictly as male or female.”

It’s important to note the potential differences between the two terms. Says Righini, “Recognising this distinction helps in understanding that non-binary people can also be transgender, but not all transgender people are non-binary. This clarity promotes better support and allyship for the diverse identities within the LGBTQ+ community.”

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It’s not bigotry

— The real reason international students struggle with LGBTQ+ lingo

Participants dance during the “Pride and Hope Assembly” coordinated by the LGBTQ community with the Hostage Families Forum, calling for the return of hostages held captive in the Gaza Strip since the October 7 attacks, in Tel Aviv on June 6, 2024 amid the ongoing conflict in the Palestinian territory between Israel and Hamas.

By Emma Sim

Women’s rights, equality, and same-sex marriages are now much more normalised compared to the past. LGBTQ+ lingo and drag terminology are part of everyday conversation now – just listen to the average Gen Z saying “slay” at least once a day.

But let’s be realistic — even if platforms like Instagram and LinkedIn add gender pronouns to user profiles and brands plaster rainbow flags all over their store, it doesn’t change the fact that these concepts are not accepted by everyone around the world.

For starters, it’s important to note that even with how times have changed, and people’s perceptions towards the LGBTQ+ community are much friendlier now, it’s not the same worldwide.

Of course, that’s rather obvious when you realise that only 37 countries have legalised same-sex marriage, with Taiwan being the latest addition and the first Asian country to do so.

Think about it: barely half a century ago, the American Psychiatric Association considered homosexuality to be a mental illness. It’s not far-fetched to imagine that there are still people who exist with that mindset, even in LGBTQ+-friendly countries.

On the other hand, nearly 70 countries continue to criminalise being LGBTQ+, according to the Council for Foreign Relations, including 12 countries where consensual same-sex relations can mean the death penalty.

It’s no wonder that many are still unfamiliar with the LGBTQ+ community in general or don’t even know what those words really mean.

lgbtq+ lingo
LGBTQ+ is the universal term, but it’s not always the same across every language.

Happy Pride Month: LGBTQ+ lingo 101

In this day and age, most of us know what LGBTQ+ stands for. But did you know that there have been recent additions?

As a recap, this is what each letter means:

  • L: Lesbian – a woman attracted to another woman.
  • G: Gay – a man attracted to another man.
  • B: Bisexual – someone who is attracted to both genders.
  • T: Transgender – someone with a different gender identity than the one that they were born with.
  • Q: Queer – used to describe sexual and gender identities other than straight and cisgender.

While the Q in LGBTQ+ stands for queer in most settings, it can also mean questioning. It’s suitable for those who are still exploring themselves and their interests but are certain they aren’t cisgender and/or straight.

Some older people tend to avoid using “queer” as the term used to have negative connotations. It was used as a slur in the late 1800s to describe gay men, but protestors began using the word in chants, going, “We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it!”

Fast forward to the late 2010s, younger LGBTQ+ Americans started reclaiming the word in a positive manner, embracing a shift towards fluidity in identity. Now, many from the community have added “I” and “A” to the term, which means intersex and asexual, respectively.

  • I: Intersex – used to describe people who have genitals, chromosomes or reproductive organs that don’t fit into a male/female sex binary.
  • A: Asexual – used to describe someone who does not experience sexual attraction toward individuals of any gender.

The reason most people add a plus sign to the term is also to encompass identities in the community that don’t fit into the other letters, such as:

  • Pansexual: sexual, romantic, or emotional attraction towards people of all genders, or regardless of their sex or gender identity.
  • Two-Spirited: refers to a person who identifies as having both a masculine and a feminine spirit and is used by some Indigenous people to describe their sexual, gender and/or spiritual identity.

To some, these terms are familiar, especially for younger people like Gen Z and Gen Alpha, who grew up around them.

This is why it can be somewhat of a shock when they meet someone unfamiliar with these terms and their significance.

lgbtq+ lingo
Some countries like India frequently have protests and marches to demand for same-sex marriage rights.

The LGBTQ+ community may still be a foreign concept to foreign students

Some people had the privilege of growing up in a safe space where they could talk about sexuality, gender identity, and self-expression. But not everyone shares the same privilege, especially if they come from a country or religion that frowns upon – or outright criminalises – these topics.

This stark contrast is apparent in groups such as international students. Prechaya Chaogunha, an international student from Thailand, shared her thoughts about Malaysia, where she is currently pursuing her PhD.

“I come from Thailand, where people are encouraged to be open and embrace themselves in their own way. It’s colourful, beautiful and a part of everyone’s lives. But it’s a little different here in Malaysia,” says Chaogunha. “Here, it’s a little more rigid – people are much more aware of themselves here and tend to contain themselves a lot more. They don’t express themselves as much either.”

Imagine a student from a country that forbids homosexuality entering the US – they might be stunned by the local gay bar down the street from their university. Or perhaps an openly gay student could study abroad in a country that directly outlaws homosexuality, which may result in them having to hide their sexuality for fear of being ill-treated or even expelled. Yes, it has happened before.

In these instances, it’s wise to dial back and reflect. It’s not about any single party having to be open and educate themselves – it’s a two-way street. While one person has to listen and learn about a different culture, the other also has to learn that some people do not share the same privileges as they do.

Don’t be quick to jump and accuse someone of misgendering you or not respecting your sexuality. They simply may not know enough about it.

And before you say, “The Internet is free; just Google it.” Remember that there are a multitude of other reasons why someone may not share your knowledge and openness.

Here are some reasons why.

lgbtq+ lingo
Some countries, like Thailand, have a very active LGBTQ+ community.

Country of origin

Some countries, like the US, have strong LGBTQ+ rights movements and open communities, while others have more conservative views and legal restrictions.

In some extreme cases, homosexuality or nonconformant gender expression can also be punished by corporal punishment, flogging, imprisonment or forced “conversion” therapy. In 2019, the Saudi Arabian government outright executed five men for engaging in same-sex intercourse.

So obviously, an international student coming from a country with less visibility or acceptance of LGBTQ+ identities might not be familiar with the terminology or the concept itself.

Upbringing

Being raised in a family that is accepting and celebrates LGBTQ+ identities can lead to a positive and inclusive view of the community. On the flip side, negative or prejudiced attitudes from family members and friends can create biases and misunderstandings about LGBTQ+ people.

Some children grew up in environments where if they spoke about gender identity or self-exploration, they would be ousted by society. Some families even go so far as to forbid their children from making friends with anyone who talks openly about LGBTQ+ lingo.

lgbtq+ lingo
In Mandarin, the word for transgender is (跨性别, kùaxìngbié), which means “cutting across sex distinctions”.

Difference in language

Yes, yes, we know the global language is English. However, only 18.07% of the global population actually use it as their first language.

LGBTQ+ lingo is constantly evolving, and some of the terms may not have direct translations in other languages. Just look at how “queer” evolved from a slur into a more common-use term, for example. This can make it difficult for international students to understand conversations or written materials or lose out on context entirely.

Languages such as Finnish, Hungarian, Estonian, Turkish, Indonesian, Vietnamese, and more do not have grammatical genders at all. For example, spoken Mandarin Chinese has no way of differentiating gender; it is pronounced as “tā” regardless.

Limited exposure

There’s not much more to say about countries that criminalise the LGBTQ+ community when there is limited exposure, even in countries with growing LGBTQ+ acceptance.

Educational systems usually do not explicitly address topics such as sexual orientation and gender identity, so it’s not shocking that international students may be unfamiliar with them. They might not have had the opportunity or guidance to learn about these topics properly before coming to a more progressive country, especially if their country blocks access to relevant websites.

Religion

Many individuals reject LGBTQ+ concepts on religious grounds. For example, some Christians consider homosexuality an abomination, labelling it as a sin. It comes to the point where the imagined punishment for the defiance of God’s will is so severe it will lead to eternal damnation.

Thankfully, the Christian community has seen better times in recent years thanks to Pope Francis, who is by far one of the most favoured popes in history. The LGBTQ+ community has noted his tenure as pope for his warmer tones than those of his predecessors.

Upon his induction as pope in 2013, Pope Francis was asked about gay priests during an exchange with the press. His response was, “If they accept the Lord and have goodwill, who am I to judge them? They shouldn’t be marginalised. They are our brothers.”

Uncertainty

As mentioned above, there are many reasons that create a stigma about LGBTQ+ communities and identities, and some international students are aware of this.

They may worry about judgment or discrimination if they show interest or ask questions, especially when they’re new to the topic. This fear can make it difficult for them to learn more or connect with the LGBTQ+ community.

Perhaps some international students are still exploring unknown parts of themselves and are seeking a trustworthy source to confide in. Always remember to be kind rather than throw out accusations.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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2 Ways To Bridge The ‘Desire Gap’ In Relationships

By Mark Travers

The “desire gap” refers to differences in the level of sexual and affectionate desire between partners. This can manifest in various ways, such as one partner wanting more frequent sexual activity than the other, or differing needs for physical affection and intimacy.

While it’s natural for partners to have varying levels of desire over time, strong discrepancies can create conflict if left unaddressed, as they can cause feelings of frustration, rejection, dissatisfaction and disconnection in a relationship.

A 2024 study published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy examined adults’ strategies for managing these discrepancies and found two that may be especially helpful.

Here are two ways to manage the desire gap, according to the study.

1. Honest And Direct Communication

Effective communication is vital in navigating desire discrepancies. In the study, over 50% of adults with a sexual desire discrepancy and more than 75% with an affectionate desire discrepancy reported using communication strategies.

“Adults reported voicing or discussing their disinterest, requesting specific physical behaviors from their partner, discussing and then choosing to not have sex, compromising, using positive support strategies, or altering their normal patterns of physical behavior to prevent discrepancies,” the researchers write.

This strategy relies on respect, consent and mutual understanding. Partners can communicate to find a mutually comfortable level of affection or use positive support strategies, such as verbal affirmations, reminders of love and engaging in more affection at a later time. This can help their partner feel valued even when physical desires are not aligned. They may also slow down their physical behavior to match their partner’s comfort in moments of intimacy.

“We will continue to check in as we proceed—without pressuring for more—to gauge if anything changes over time,” one participant explains.

Interestingly, researchers found that participants who did not view sexual discrepancies as problematic were more likely to use communication to resolve them than those who found them problematic. This indicates that it could be important to shift one’s perspective around desire to work through these discrepancies.

“We know that ‘not feeling it’ doesn’t mean ‘no longer interested’ and isn’t a threat. It took a long time and a lot of difficult communication to get there. Communicating desires and feelings, and being able to comfortably opt out when needed has been an immeasurable improvement,” explains a 43-year-old participant from the study, highlighting the effectiveness of this strategy.

2. Exploring Alternative Forms Of Intimacy

In the study, nearly 75% of adults with a sexual desire discrepancy and 29% with an affectionate desire discrepancy chose to participate in alternative sexual or affectionate behaviors.

When desires don’t align, engaging in alternative behaviors can help fulfill needs in a way that is satisfying for both partners. Many participants reported opting for non-penetrative sexual activities and focusing on enjoying each other’s presence by spending time sitting near one another, cuddling or giving each other massages.

Participants also found that it is possible to maintain closeness and have one’s needs met without necessarily having physical contact and by engaging in nonsexual activities and hobbies together. For affectionate discrepancies, non-human sources like cuddling pets or stuffed animals can also provide comfort.

Be Wary Of Unhelpful Strategies

Some strategies can be less effective and even be harmful. These include ignoring the discrepancy or hoping it will get better on its own. About 25% of adults with sexual desire discrepancies and 19% with affectionate discrepancies reported doing nothing about them, which can lead to negative emotional coping mechanisms like distraction, frequent suppression of desire or substance use.

Some couples give complete control over sexual and affectionate activity to the partner with either higher or lower desire, which can create imbalances and dissatisfaction over time. Further, engaging in intimate behavior without desire, either out of guilt, a desire to please or feeling pressured to is a strategy highly detrimental to one’s well-being.

It’s important to address these issues head-on and crucial for both partners to feel willing and enthusiastic about intimate interactions.

“Couples experiencing continued difficulties with resolving problematic sexual discrepancies may benefit from exploring mindfulness techniques to improve their ability to be in the moment, and thus communicate their needs and desires or voice their disinterest,” the researchers suggest.

Patience and a willingness to work through these differences together are key to finding a resolution that works for both partners. Managing desire discrepancies requires open communication, acceptance of each other’s perspectives, a willingness to explore alternative relationship-affirming behaviors and sometimes professional guidance. By addressing these issues proactively and with empathy, couples can bridge the desire gap and maintain a resilient, healthy relationship.

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The rise of the ‘tolyamourous’ marriage

— Turning a blind eye to infidelities has a new name. Claire Cohen on the rise of ‘tolyamory’ and the experts who say it’s OK

Tolyamory isn’t rare among long-term couples, say the experts

By Claire Cohen

You’ve heard of polyamory — the practice of enjoying multiple romantic relationships, with the consent of all involved. These days it’s likely to be facilitated by an account on Feeld, the “dating app for the curious”.

What you might not have come across is “tolyamory”. This new term — recently coined in America, and a portmanteau of “tolerate” and “polyamory” — refers to an age-old situation where one partner tacitly consents to the other having a sexual relationship or flirtation with someone else. It’s an agreement, but it’s unspoken.

This arrangement is not uncommon with long-term couples. “It’s turning a blind eye, even though that’s not your first choice,” says Dr Marie Thouin, a relationship coach and the author of What Is Compersion?, a forthcoming book on nonmonogamy. “The couple present as monogamous, but one of them is tolerating their partner’s extracurricular sexual activities.

“I think tolyamory might be the most common form of non-monogamy out there.”

Although the term originated in the States, it all sounds very … French. If there’s a nation we might expect to be au fait with tolyamory it’s the one that has a specific phrase — le cinq à sept or 5-7pm — for the hours given over by couples to spend time with their lovers.

“I don’t think it’s only in France — it’s everywhere,” Thouin says. “I do not believe that humans are naturally monogamous and different types of nonmonogamy have been going on all over the world for as long as humanity has existed.”

Indeed, those who find themselves in tolyamorous marriages don’t necessarily feel bad about it. Dan Savage, the US relationship expert who defined the term in his podcast Savage Lovecast, says: “These people aren’t fools or dupes … they know what they signed up for and long ago made peace with what they got.” Instead, he explains, they “focus on all the ways their spouse demonstrates their commitment and shows their love” — that is, the stuff that makes their playing away tolerable.

Lucy Beresford, the psychotherapist who gave the popular TEDx talk Infidelity: To Stay or Go?, agrees that tolyamory doesn’t have to be the worst thing for a long-term relationship.

“I think relationships are changing a lot, especially as we all live longer, and part of that is thinking about whether you can realistically imagine being with the same person exclusively for decades,” she says. “I think many of us are recognising that one person can’t meet all of our needs. For some couples that may mean that you have a partner who has a ‘close friendship’ with their tennis instructor — but what does that do for you? Is your partner happier in domestic life? It could work both ways. You might think, ‘I, too, could have a dalliance and that enables me to be a better spouse or parent, because I’m not annoyed that my needs are unheard.’”

This is how it worked for Carrie, 45, a marketing executive who met her husband shortly after university. “By our late thirties our sex life was non-existent and we were more like friends,” she says. “But our children were under ten and we had a massive mortgage, so we couldn’t afford to split up. For a while I’d had a very flirty connection with a colleague, who was also married, but never acted on it. One night, lying in bed with my husband, he said that he wouldn’t feel that jealous if I had sex with someone else. It felt like a tacit message that it would be OK to look elsewhere for a physical connection, even though admitting that felt like it would be far too damaging to our marriage. I went out for a drink with my colleague and we began an affair that has made the rest of my life so much more bearable. I’m nicer to the kids and my husband, who I’m sure knows something is going on but finds it easier to look the other way.”

Julia, 49, discovered that her husband had started a physical relationship with their au pair. However, she wasn’t exactly heartbroken. “That was 15 years ago. We had three young children and I wasn’t actually up for discussing it or breaking up,” she says. “It would have been carnage. I also knew she would be leaving in a year and he was devoted to me in every other way. It kept him happy and the pressure for sex off me. Has he done it again? Well, he travels for work, but we get on brilliantly and are planning great things together when the kids have moved out. I think how different our lives would have been if we had broken up.”

Tolyamory doesn’t always mean ignoring a full-blown affair. It can also refer to overlooking a partner’s flirtations. “My wife and her friends have a night out together once a month and I know that involves enjoying the attention of other men, flirting and acting as if she’s single,” Jim, 48, says. “I wouldn’t want to be there to witness it and she’d never admit it, but going out with the girls puts a spring in her step. She’s in a better mood, which has a knock-on effect on the whole family.” When you’ve been married for years, he says, a little validation from outside your relationship can work wonders within it too.

Traditionally, of course, it tended to be women who turned a blind eye — think Mad Men types having affairs with their secretaries. But this may no longer be the case, given that more women than ever are thought to be cheating — up 40 per cent since 1990 according to the relationship expert Esther Perel.

Kath, 52, has a regular middle-class life with her husband of 22 years, co-parenting at weekends, attending dinner parties as a happy couple. But they’ve barely had sex for five years and, for the past two, she’s developed a relationship with her yoga teacher. Physical contact is a natural part of their sessions, but the pair have definitely gone beyond the “adjustments”.

“I don’t want to leave my husband, and expect our marriage to last,” she says. “But I won’t get that level of physical contact from him. Is he doing the same? I don’t think so, but I also don’t want to think about it.”

Can tolyamory ever really be good for a long-term relationship? Lucy Beresford, the author of Happy Relationships at Home, Work and Play, believes that while we’re told that a successful relationship means honestly discussing absolutely everything, turning a blind eye doesn’t always mean it’s unhealthy.

“In an ideal world you’d discuss it as a couple,” she says. “But human beings are very nervous when it comes to talking about relationships, so the chances are a lot of that is going to go unsaid. We have this fairytale that you get married and live happily ever after, but the reality is that sometimes people make a choice to not blow up their primary relationship, and in order to do that they have to come to some kind of acceptance of what’s happening.”

You both have to decide what really matters to you, she says. “There are other needs we may think are more important, such as the status of being married, the financial security or not wanting to lose access to the children,” she adds. “I think we’re starting to recognise that you can have a really beautiful, fulfilling and nourishing relationship, but it might not be openly exclusive, and if you can make peace with that, then that’s going to be OK. It isn’t necessarily unhealthy because you both know what’s going on.”

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The science of kink

By Karoun Chahinian

Kink. It’s not a dirty word. But whenever it’s brought up in a conversation, people often blush, change the topic or blabber in denial that they’re not into “anything weird.” But what often isn’t discussed is how common kink actually is.

According to a poll run by the dating website OkCupid in April 2017, out of 400,000 of their members, 71 per cent say they were into kink. Of those, 75 per cent of men and 62 per cent of women say they’re into rough sex, and 64 per cent of men and 51 per cent of women were interested in Bondage, Discipline (or Dominance), Sadism and Masochism (BDSM).

But what sparks most of the controversy or negative reactions whenever kink is brought up are mainstream misconceptions and lack of knowledge on what it actually is. In the most basic definition, kink is any sexual preference that is deemed to be unconventional—which can really be an endless list. This umbrella term includes fantasies, fetishes, paraphilias, BDSM and anything else that goes beyond basic “vanilla” sex, which a lot of people have been pretending to enjoy since high school.

One common question people both inside and outside the kink community have raised is why some people are kinky and others are not—and the reasoning behind that is complex. It’s a blend of biological, psychological and sociological factors.

Biology

There is evidence that shows that people are born with preexisting sexual preferences, similar to sexual orientation, but that doesn’t mean everyone is born into a fixed sexual identity. According Morag Yule, a Toronto-based clinical psychologist at the Toronto Sexuality Centre, kink is developed through a mix of nature and nurture.

“It’s so complex … when we’re trying to narrow down [sexuality] to something, it can be really challenging to understand it,” says Yule, adding that their role as researchers is to identify patterns in sexuality, rather than fixed answers.

Yule says sex research is vital so that she is able to educate and comfort clients, break social stigmas surrounding unconventional sex, and answer broader questions raised by the public. She says a lot of sex researchers analyze people’s neurological reactions to different sexual preferences through functional MRI scans—which detect changes of blood flow—by comparing kinky and vanilla participant’s reactions to different sexual stimuli. This helps researchers locate the different brain sectors and physiological reactions when a person is exposed to their sexual preference.

“For someone who’s kinky and they’re interested in this particular thing that this vanilla person isn’t interested in, their brain will be having these activations that are more elevated than someone who’s not interested,” says Yule.

Kathryn Klement, a sex and BDSM researcher and professor at Bemidji State University, says this also has a lot to do with differing pleasure and pain thresholds or tolerances. Compare it to people who need to eat very spicy food in order to taste it: some people seek out more extreme forms of pleasure because that’s the only way they can fully experience sex. This threshold is something that can be biologically inherited, but also developed over time, says Klement.

Compare it to people who need to eat very spicy food in order to taste it: some people seek out more extreme forms of pleasure because that’s the only way they can fully experience sex

“Some folks have a higher threshold for sensory experiences meaning that they need more sensory experience to feel it,” says Klement. “A person who eats a ghost pepper to feel something, in an extreme example, has a higher threshold for doing that.”

Psychology

While some people may feel a physical craving or inclination towards kink, upbringing and psychological factors also have a lot to do with whether or not these inclinations are developed.

Stigma and social context play a huge role in personal reactions towards kink. If someone grows up in a traditional home or town where kink is strongly stigmatized, the person may either be turned off by kink entirely, or internalize their attraction towards it, which would only build over time. But this idea of shame which leads to internalization of feelings is dangerous and is caused by the rigid idea of what is normal.

“The problem with current norms and how we think about sex is that they’re not really representative of what people actually experience or are interested in,” says Yule. “If we actually talked about these things and really understood everyone’s interests, and had it more on the table and open discussion, some of the stuff wouldn’t be as problematic as people think it is.”

With rigid norms also comes the cliché temptation to go against them, whether it’s publicly or privately depends on the individual.

But Klement also says outside of social context, kink can be developed through classical conditioning, a behaviour-based concept of repetition and reward. This can be applied into our everyday lives, including the development of kinks and fetishes. An example Klement gave included a thirteen-year-old boy masturbating in his bathroom to not risk one of his family members walking in. As he climaxes, he notices a pair of nylons drying on the shower rod. Because he saw that object at the perfect time, he now associates it with pleasure and arousal, and may develop a fetish for nylons. A combination of experiencing something at the perfect time and place.

If we actually talked about these things and really understood other everyone’s interests, and had it more on the table and open discussion, some of the stuff wouldn’t be as problematic as people think it is.

Personality also has a lot to do with interest in kink and BDSM. If someone has an open and adventurous personality, they may be more inclined to try new things in the bedroom, rather than someone who doesn’t like change. This may be a factor in why some people are kinkier than others.

Sociology

Maybe you’ve been walking around with your eyes closed your whole life and haven’t been exposed to kink at all to truly know whether or not you like it. Without proper conversation or positive media representation about kink, it’s difficult to gauge whether or not you’re kinky.

Klement says most people use their 20s to experiment and figure out what they enjoy sexually, but it’s also not uncommon for someone to be introduced to kink in their 40s or 50s by a partner, sparking a late sexual awakening.

Positive media representation plays a huge role in lack of proper conversation surrounding unconventional sex, such as with kink. A popular book/movie series that people in the kink community love to call out for being factually and representationally problematic is Fifty Shades of Grey. But with all the dangerous misrepresentations in mind, Klement says the fact that the relationship between the two lead characters Christian and Anastasia began after signing a firm contract which draws out limits, activities and other sexual preferences sends a positive message about consent and pre-sex conversation.

Without proper conversation or positive media representation about kink, it’s difficult to gauge whether or not you’re kinky

A lot of media representation of sex is subtle and vanilla, according to Klement. “All of a sudden it magically happens that he’s doing exactly the right thing to her body and she’s cumming seventeen times and it’s so wonderful but they never talk about condoms,” says Klement. “Sex requires some kind of conversation about it. You can’t just go into it expecting that everything is going to be non-verbal and everyone will be okay with that.” Even though it’s just a movie, it’s still a harmful representation.

Before you judge your kinky friends, take a moment to listen and be open to engaging in a conversation about it—even if it makes you uncomfortable. Because what you probably didn’t know about kink is that it actually contributes to a stronger state of mental health according to a 2013 study published in The Journal of Sexual Health. It increases communication and intimacy between partners and even reduces stress.

By shifting the tone surrounding kink, it may be destigmatized and nearly half the population won’t have to feel ashamed for what they enjoy in the bedroom. It should be less about what makes people kinky, and more on why it’s an issue to begin with.

“It’s more just about destigmatizing it, normalizing it,” says Yule. “Whether it comes from biology, family, psychology, it doesn’t really matter. Because here we are.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!