Tag: Sexual Performance

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24 Ways to Have Better Sex in 2024

— Observe a sexual opposite day. Pretend someone is filming you. Use a lot more lube.

By Amy Rose Spiegel

It’s somehow already the middle of January, when we’re all totally exhausted by the premise that we need to eat, exercise, clean, or otherwise behave more virtuously all goddamn year long. As you think about what you want for the months ahead, keep in mind: Spending an hour decluttering your closet might make you feel good—but so would having an orgasm.

Maybe you’re ready to reassess your sex life, but you’re not sure where to start. I get it—lots can happen to snarl up your feelings around boning. It’s easy to become complacent about—or, worse, resigned to—the sex you’re accustomed to having (or not), or how you get off by yourself. If things are great, or you’re just pretty sure you know what your whole sexual deal is, that’s also an excellent foundation for recommitting to more raunchy, transformative, and romantic sex.

Maintain a spirit of openness and you can’t lose. If you try something new and it doesn’t suit or thrill you? That’s also good information about getting closer to sex that does. Here are 24 low-stakes, high-reward ideas about how to have a filthy, sweet, and incontrovertibly hot year.

1. Write down the details of exceptional hookups right after you have them.

Even if you swear you’ll remember every iota of a perfect encounter, stuff slips away—unless you jot it down. I just referred to the notes I took after a particularly world-redefining fuck, and it reminded me what he smelled like, how we touched for the first time before touching everywhere (my feet were tucked under his legs, and he rested a hand on my thigh), and precisely how he *** my **** while he ****** *** ****. Give your future self a gift that you can touch yourself to. Rereading these back is also a mollifying reminder of what’s possible when things aren’t quite as electric.

2. Think through a sexual Year in Review.

You can also expand on the above concept to broadly take stock of what you want more of—and way less of. Look back at 2023: What was outstanding—figuring out that you’re most into morning sex; buying a harness that fits you well; hooking up with a best friend and staying best friends? What was boring or unpleasant—getting felt up at a drive-in theater (good in theory, but you just nervously looked over your shoulder the whole time); feeling chafed in a garter belt; learning the hard way that the whole morning sex thing is only true if all parties brush their teeth first? Write that down, too, and use it to guide your future hookups.

3. Wear underwear that makes you feel like gold.

Replace anything with holes in it or that’s otherwise exhausted. Don’t settle for serviceable-enough briefs that only kinda affirm your gender. Get matching lingerie sets on sale! If you’ve been waiting around for someone to come along and forcibly teach you your correct bra size: It was only ever going to be you, and it’s time. Explore what’s unusual to you, like thigh-high stockings, a binder, or a lace teddy (and remember that fragrance can be an underthing too). Whether or not anyone else sees what’s under your sweater, you’ll know, and you’ll carry yourself a little differently.

4. Reevaluate your lube situation—and use it for more than just penetration.

If you’re familiar with lube insofar as it comes pre-applied on condoms, or you reach for a bottle only to cram things into holes: Your life is about to know new meaning. Lube can help clits feel less pinchingly sensitive when they’re touched for a long time, quickly, or intensely. On penises, wetter is often better, especially when you’re jerking off (or jerking someone else off). There are three main kinds of lube: oil-, water-, and silicone-based. Start with a water-based one—they can be used with silicone toys and prophylactics and are least likely to interact weirdly with your body or strap-on. (I like Überlube and straight-up Astroglide.) Use a LOT of it next time you masturbate or touch someone else. Reapply every few minutes, since lube absorbs into skin and water-based ones can feel sticky as the moisture in them evaporates. Keep a hand towel by the bed. Come so hard.

5. Trim and clean your nails, no matter what you’re doing with your hands.

This isn’t just a concern for fingering vaginas—and nor was it ever! Please, let’s right this grievous wrong. If you’re touching someone else’s body anywhere, don’t do it with gunk in your cuticles or a ragged fingernail. If you’re femme and allergic to even the thought of forgoing a complicated manicure, scrub under your nails religiously before you put them on or in someone, and be so careful and gentle when you do. Wear latex gloves if you’re putting your acrylics or beautiful natural nails (lucky—can’t relate) into someone’s ass. The tissue inside the anus is delicate and prone to tiny tears, so it’s not the best environment in which to poke your glamorous talons around.

6. Build a stockpile of hot nudes or lewds.

Sending racy photos while maintaining the rhythm of a conversation doesn’t have to mean ducking into a work bathroom stall, rushing off the couch to strip out of your mom’s old Phish T-shirt, or whatever other last-minute adjustment you’d otherwise need to make. Whenever you’re having a particularly good hair or ass day, take commemorative photos, then put them in a private folder for future use. Yeah, keep that Phish shirt on, baby—that’s what I like (your sustained comfort as you turn someone on).

7. Flirt elegantly.

It’s 2024, we’re grown, and we can choose to be sophisticated—even with long-term partners who have seen us throw up a milkshake. Behave like a heartthrob seducing someone in a movie. Text or call just to say you’re thinking about someone. Give them little gifts (they don’t have to be expensive—a perfect piece of fruit or a sleek pen from the bookstore will do). Be ever so slightly suggestive outside of strictly sexual contexts (a good level is mentioning when you’re thinking about making out with them). This works wonders for building anticipation around sex, creating an overall mood where sex is present in your lives together, and ultimately contributing to a closer connection when you do finally get around to fucking.

8. Do lite role-play with clothes you already own.

Got a leotard, bodysuit, or pair of gym shorts? Great, you’re exercising and your partner is a personal trainer expertly adjusting your form. Put on a plaid skirt or blazer, because class is in session and you’re desperate to make the grade…! Wear a suit—you’re the boss. You don’t have to go full Method within these roles, unless you’re into that. Just say, “If you were my X and I were your Y, what would you do to me?” You can even skip the acting piece of this altogether by dressing up in an outfit you wear very rarely—a ball gown, a low-cut jumpsuit—and letting the other person’s imagination do the work for you.

9. Loosen up.

Stop fixating on how your stomach looks when the overhead light is on (who invented this? I’d love a word). Feel free to stumble—who among us hasn’t said something like, “I need you to suck your dick…uh, my dick” in the moment? When you’re nervous or something funny happens: Joke, talk, laugh, nibble, and goofily bury your head in someone’s shoulder. This often helps sex feel even more connective, permissive, and judgment-free. Be judicious about how often you’re yukking it up, though, and always observe whether it’s just you doing it—you don’t want your partner to think you’re laughing at them, especially if you’re in the middle of anything un-vanilla or new.

10. Ask your partner to touch you all over while you’re boning.

Get a massage while you’re getting laid, and have the person giving it to you cover as many areas of your body as they can/you’re down with, at varying levels of pressure. The idea is to feel everything as precisely but universally as possible, whether your partner is trailing their fingernails down your forearm or pressing their knuckles desperately into your shoulder blades with you on top. It’s extremely dreamy to have sex that happens to you in many places at once.

11. Don’t rush.

Make out slowly without lunging right for other parts of someone’s body. Don’t default to what you know makes you, or your partner, come really fast. Try edging or taking breaks from the action to delay orgasms and draw things waaaaaay out. Go legato: Relish each feeling—their fingertips on the back of your neck, the very first few seconds of penetration, or the pressure they’re using as they kiss you—as it unfolds. In “wellness culture” this is called mindfulness, but I just call it being good in bed.

12. A secret of oral sex: How it looks contributes massively to how it feels.

Tell your partner what would be especially hot to watch while they’re going down on you, and find out the same about them. Some general ideas for you: Kiss and lick, and as you do, look up into their eyes either very softly or very hard. Take their hand while you use your other one somewhere else that feels good for them. Angle yourself so they can see plenty of your smoking-ass physique. Pretend someone is filming you. If it feels performative? Great, that’s a sign you’re nailing this.

13. Find your personal definition of “incredible anal sex.”

If you’re not down or able to have full-on penetrative anal (though: never say never!), delve into rimjobs or other strategies for making your ass feel incredible from the outside. If you’re more like, “Look, I’ve been getting fisted, sister,” maybe your next course of action involves anal beads or a new butt plug. Always use toys with flared bases if you’re planning on inserting them—your sphincter has powerful suction mechanisms, and you don’t want your new year of vibrantly experimental sex sullied by a dildo stuck inside you.

14. Experiment with prostate stimulation.

Prostates (or P-spots), for people with penises, can take some effort to find, but putting that work in can yield pleasure in the extreme. To find your or your partner’s prostate, make a come-hither motion with your index finger inside the anus, towards the stomach, or use a toy designed to reach it. Pair prostate exploration with handjobs or blowjobs to make it feel particularly blissful.

15. Observe a sexual opposite day.

You can do this alone or trade assignments with a partner—the idea is to break free of what you think “you’re like” and try something entirely new. If you’re a super-dominant megafox, let someone else lead. If you’re a goofball, be intense, filthy, and direct. The obvious, time-tested convention here instructs bottoms to top, and vice vers-a. Even if a given role isn’t ultimately one you want to step into again, it’s nice to know that firsthand: You’ll understand your taste better and see how something feels for partners who do like whatever you’re playing at. You can call on all that intel in the future.

16. If your partner is driving you wild, make that extremely clear.

Most people love overt recognition of what’s so magnetic and sexy about them. Don’t be coy about it—go full Pepé Le Pew. You can say stuff like, “I love how soft your skin is,” or, “You know exactly how to touch me,” or, “I think about your [perfect body part or especially expert technique] when I masturbate,” or simply, “I could kiss you/look at you/fuck you all night.” Life’s short: Be unerringly passionate, a too-rare quality that you’ll likely be rewarded for. (I also just never feel more confident than when I decide to be deliberate and bold about my feelings.)

17. Demonstrate how you get off.

If you’re together, have them watch you touch yourself or use a toy; then, if you want, teach them by way of example—apply the concept “show, don’t tell” to your masturbation techniques. If you’re apart, make a voice note explaining what you’re doing and how it makes you feel, or, if you trust the recipient and are down to try it, record a video. (If you’re on the fence, just do it in person or talk through it on the phone—this shouldn’t feel stressful.) Each option is foxy—yet educational!—in its own right.

18. Clean your sex toys after each use.

Okay, I know we forswore boring cleaning talk and housekeeping mandates in favor of sin-sational xxx-ploration, but you must use clean sex toys. If you groan at the idea of fully disinfecting your vibrator after each and every time it comes into play, I get that, but it’s a small price to pay for not getting a yeast infection because you were both horny and lazy. Here’s a guide to cleaning whatever kind of sex toy you’re using. And definitely refresh your toys between partners and holes. Other situations that non-negotiably call for sterilized accessories: Using the same toy on more than one partner and using the same one on multiple orifices, even with the same person. Body-safe toy-cleaning wipes can be a godsend for cleaning on the fly in the heat of the moment. Keep the contents of your nightstand pristine so you can do every filthy thing on your mind with gusto.

19. If you’ve fantasized about having threesomes or more-somes, look into making it happen.

If you’re with someone monogamously, talk to them about your fantasies outside of a sexual context, when you’re both feeling relaxed. See how your partner feels about opening things up without expectation or judgment, and if they’re also into the idea, ask how that might unfold in a way they felt secure in and turned on by. You don’t need to be in a relationship to enjoy the splendors of group sex—there are plenty of people looking for thirds or additional partners. If you decide to go for it, you can browse a threesome-centric app like Feeld to get a sense of who’s out there and, if you’re intrigued, say hey.

20. Work with your body as it is, not as it “should” be.

It’s so much harder to feel great in bed if you don’t feel physically comfortable to begin with. Does sitting on someone’s face hurt your knees? Lie on your back—or sit on your dresser and have them kneel in front of you! Do you have recurrent UTIs that you’re just hoping will dissipate without intervention? Talk to a doctor about it—you don’t have to live this way! Is menopause making your vagina dry and irritated? Get to moisturizing! Put a pillow under your knees or neck to alleviate pain and pressure on your joints. Look into a prescription for ED medication. Whatever your body is trying to tell you, listen.

21. Be proactive about safer sex.

STI rates have been rising recently, so you owe it to yourself and anyone you’re fucking to get tested regularly. If you’re having sex with one monogamous, long-term partner, get a basic screening once a year. If you’re having sex with new or a few people, even if you’re using barrier methods like condoms, go annually at minimum, and ideally more like every three to six months. If you do have an STI, ask a doctor to help you think through effective safer sex tactics, and be ready to start candid, informed conversations about those options before you bone a newcomer. Keep a cool head about all of this: Most STIs can be treated! Some can even be cured. None will ruin your sex life forever unless you decide it should.

22. Pick atmospheric music in advance.

It’s annoying to pause a hookup because your playlist suddenly veered into songs that are too brash, techno-y, bubbly, or sad. (Or all of those at once: I don’t want to hook up to a Lady Gaga album outside of a gay bar EVER again. This should never happen in the home.) Have your sonic ducks in a row, whether that means making a sex playlist or having a few albums ready to go. Just don’t get lube on your records as you flip sides. (If you’re looking for ideas: This doesn’t have to only be Prince, although many would argue it should be—especially the deluxe Purple Rain with all those heartfelt demos. Or cue up romantic ambient-ish albums and piano solos.)

23. Visit a sex toy store, even just to browse.

Either by yourself or with a partner, stop by your local sex store to see whether anything piques your interest. Ideally, look for places that state outright on their websites or signage that they’re inclusive and sex-positive, particularly if you want to ask the staff questions. If you don’t live near a physical store, there are endless options online—I like Babeland and Lovehoney. Maybe you’ll buy something, or not—but you will very likely leave brimming with lurid new ideas.

24. Go ahead with any new-to-you venture when you’re actually ready.

Though I wish it were otherwise the case, you won’t always feel up for prioritizing freewheeling yet sensuous expressions of sexual innovation and liberty. Sometimes you’ll be sick, or feel terrible about yourself, or go through an unmooring life change, and you’ll be a little uncertain about your sexual place in the world. You don’t have to force yourself to pull off your grand sexual aspirations unless you’re actually going to enjoy them. It’s okay to go through fallow periods, and to wait them out with acceptance and self-understanding. After all, thoughtful patience is also the main force behind having multiple orgasms.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Struggling With Sex After 50?

— Expert Tips To Build Intimacy At Any Age

By Juliana Hauser, PhD

We are often taught there is a “right” and “wrong” way to experience and explore sexuality. That’s a total myth.

As a sex and relationship counselor, I’ve seen firsthand the value of expanding our view of sexuality to include topics such as body compassion, clear communication, and sexual well-being. Doing so shows us the wide range of possibilities to explore for a vibrant life, sexually and beyond.

Here are a few tips for enhancing sexual connections using the principles of “holistic sexuality,” no matter your age:

1 Experiment with self-pleasure of all kinds

Too often, we’re told that “successful” sex results in orgasm, placing orgasms as the reason for sex outside of procreation. We put so much pressure on achieving or giving an orgasm that we lose sight of the true pursuit—pleasure!

Orgasms are wonderful, but there are so many deliciously pleasurable ways to sexually connect with yourself and others.

To think beyond intercourse, consider what in your daily life brings you pleasure: the first sip of coffee, your favorite song. Bring your senses into focus and dive into the sensuality of each moment. This practice can quickly enliven your sexual pleasure as you begin to connect with what lights you up throughout the day.

2 Build your sexual tool kit

A survey conducted by Harris Poll in October 2023 found that more than half of women 50+ (52%) have a sexual toolbox to support their sexual experiences. Once you have a self-pleasure practice in tune with what you like and want, sex toys and products can enhance your sexual well-being.

For example, you can expand your potential for pleasure by using a vaginal moisturizer if you’re experiencing any pain or discomfort during sex. Two of my favorite products from Kindra (a menopause and intimacy company that I partner with) are the Daily Vaginal Lotion and V Relief Serum—both are gentle enough for everyday use and incredibly supportive of pleasure.

Preferences change over time, and it may also be time to incorporate some new tools into your routine. Remember to give yourself permission to try things that may end up being a no for you, and keep an open mind to an expanded view of pleasure.

3 Prioritize connection

Now that you’ve laid the groundwork for a deeper understanding of yourself and your pleasure, bring your knowledge to your partnership!

There are many reasons why sexual connection becomes deprioritized once we hit midlife, and they vary from couple to couple. As we grow with our relationships, it’s vital to nourish connection and intimacy. And you don’t necessarily need sexual intimacy or physical connection to do so at first.

A great way to kick-start connection with a partner (or solo) is by completing the Four Quadrant Exercise. Here’s how it’s done:

  • Come to this exercise with vulnerability, patience, curiosity, and an open mind.
  • Divide a paper into four quadrants, one for each prompt: what you have done that you like sexually, what you haven’t done that you want to try sexually, what you have done that you don’t want to do again sexually, and what you haven’t done that you don’t want to try sexually.
  • Write down everything you can think of (feel free to browse for new ideas, too!).
  • If you are doing this exercise with your partner, after you’ve both explored, see what your commonalities and differences are, and use them as a springboard for connection.

4 Seek out support as needed

Even when we incorporate new practices into our daily routines and try new products, sometimes we still need some outside support. Working with a sex counselor or therapist can help you work on your personal goals across all areas of life—relationally, sexually, and beyond.

If you have discomfort during sex, you might explore seeing a pelvic floor physical therapist, an OB/GYN, or another health professional to better understand what is going on for you. It’s incredibly important that you know the best practices for taking care of your sexual well-being, and it’s never too late. You deserve pain-free sexuality at all stages of life.

The takeaway

You have a right to the kind of sexual life you want to have. Improving your sexual life means learning what you want and need, what tools and resources are supportive, and connecting daily to what brings pleasure, joy, and connection—to yourself first and foremost and then to your partner and others around you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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6 astonishing penis facts they didn’t teach you in biology

We bet they didn’t teach you you’re erection is 30% longer than you can see

By

School biology lessons can sometimes be a case of a teacher trying to impart the basic facts about sex to a group of giggly teenagers.

And while the trusty basics are a great place to start, there is so much more about penises and erections that we bet they didn’t teach you.

Our sexual health is something we should be all clued up about and our favourite Dr Danae Maragouthakis, from Yoxly, an Oxford-based sexual health start-up, is an Instagram doctor who knows all their is to know about our genitals.

We’ve already covered penis misconceptions, now it’s the time for the hard facts…

There are three types of erection

If you get an erection you may not think much about how you actually became aroused.

But, when your penis gets hard there are actually three different categories of erection it can fall into.

A bunch of bananas with one banana sticking up, suggestive of an erection
There are three different types of erections men can have

A subconscious erection is the first type. These hard ons usually occur when you’re dreaming – you won’t need physiological or physical stimulations.

Psychogenic erections are the result of sexual fantasies either fulfilled in reality or in porn, where your body responds to visual stimuli.

The third and final type of erection is the reflexogenic erection. This is an erection which happens because of direct physical stimulation to the penis.

You don’t need an erection to orgasm

We usually associate an orgasm with an erection but you don’t necessarily need to be hard to finish.

So if you can’t get it up, that doesn’t mean you can’t sometimes still have a satisfying end to getting it on.

Some people can experience an orgasm without being fully erect, while some men have reported being able to orgasm with just their prostate being massaged.

Penile stimulation isn’t always a necessity.

Up to half your erection is hidden

Your penis is actually a lot longer than it looks
Your penis is actually a lot longer than it looks

Men, your penis is actually a lot longer than it looks.

About 30% of the tissues that make up the male erection are internal, so you can’t see it from the outside.

This means a third or even up to a half of your hard on is hidden.

Penises have penile spines

Don’t panic, your penis doesn’t actually have spines! But, while humans don’t have penile spines, plenty of closely related animals do.

These spines are pointed, keratinised structures found in the genitalia of several animals, which may help to induce ovulation or enhance sensation during sexual activity.

Our distant relative – the chimpanzee – has penile spines, as well as cats, bats and cute fluffy koalas down under.

Myth: The penis is a muscle

Wrong.

Danae tells Metro.co.uk: ‘Some people believe that the penis is a muscle that can be exercised to increase size or improve sexual performance.

‘The penis is not a muscle. It looks like muscle because it gets hard when it fills with blood when it gets an erection but it’s actually made predominantly of spongey tissue and blood vessels.

‘When someone fractures their penis, they break the blood vessels that run in the penis and tear the soft tissue. It’s incredibly painful and really dangerous, that’s a medical emergency.

‘Seek medical attention immediately because if you compromise the blood flow to those tissues, they can die.’

Beetroot and oysters could give you better erections

Dr Danae also said that consuming foods that are high in Nitric Oxide can help blood flow, thus improving your erections.

Foods high in Nitric Oxide are dark chocolate, beets, garlic, watermelon and leafy green veggies.

You might finally have a reason to try oysters too! Foods that are high in zinc are important for good testosterone levels and sperm production.

This includes the divisive shellfish, as well as beef, chicken, nuts and beans.

As seems to be the rule of thumb for every part of your body, drinking plenty of water means you’ll be hydrated and promote healthy blood flow, which can only be good for your erections.

Beetroot and leafy greens could help give you better erections
Beetroot and leafy greens could help give you better erections

Smoking-related erectile dysfunction can be reversed

While there is a misconception that smoking can actually shrink your penis there is no scientific evidence to that point.

However, this doesn’t mean the effects of smoking on your body don’t take their toll on your sexual performance and satisfaction.

What you probably did learn in biology is that smoking constricts your blood flow, but they may not have touched upon the fact that means you won’t always get sufficient blood flow to your genitals.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Are the Benefits of a Prostate Massage?

By Wendy Wisner

A prostate massage involves stimulating and massaging the prostate gland with a finger or sex toy for either sexual release or to treat a medical condition like prostatitis, an enlarged prostate, urinary hesitancy, or erectile dysfunction. 1

The prostate gland is a small, walnut-shaped organ located just below the bladder and in front of the rectum. Its main job is to make the seminal fluid — semen — that helps sperm travel and survive in the acidic environment of a vagina. 2

Although major medical organizations and independent healthcare providers don’t often promote a prostate massage as a medical procedure or therapy, it’s been used for over 100 years to treat conditions such as chronic prostatitis. 3

A prostate massage can be a circular type of motion, or an application of gentle pressure. It’s usually performed by a medical professional, or can also be performed by a significant other. Some people choose to self-stimulate their prostate with sex toys or fingers.

Here are the health benefits of a prostate massage, risks, and how to safely and effectively perform a prostate massage.

The health benefits of prostate massage are based on very limited studies and many of the studies are old studies. However, there is some evidence that massaging the prostate has medical advantages.

May Help With Urinary Flow

The prostate can become enlarged as people age, a condition known as benign prostatic hyperplasia (BPH).2 BPH can cause the urethra to be compressed, and lead to issues with urination, such as incomplete bladder emptying, trouble starting urine, or dribbling at the end of urination.

An older 2006 study that looked at urine retention in older males found that prostate massage, combined with antimicrobial therapy and alpha-blocker therapy, helped resolve urinary retention, and allowed for effective urination in all study participants. 4

Any urination issues such as painful urination, limited flow, feeling of not being able to empty your bladder, incontinence, or blood in urine warrants a visit to a healthcare provider such an urologist.

May Help Treat Prostatitis

Prostatitis is swelling and inflammation of the prostate gland. It can be caused by a urinatiry tract infection (UTI) or a bladder infection. Although prostate massages have historically been used to treat prostatitis, research is mixed on its effectiveness.

For example, an older study from 2006 found that prostate massages were helpful for some people with chronic prostatitis, but these improvements were not significant and the study researchers deemed it needed more research.5 Another old study found that prostate massages may be helpful in treating prostatitis — specifically when combined with antibiotics.6

However, a more recent systematic review from 2018 concluded that it’s unclear whether prostate massages decrease or increase prostatitis symptoms. 7

Does it Improve Erectile Dysfunction?

People often cite prostate massages as a treatment for erectile dysfunction. However, there is no clear evidence linking prostate massage with improved sexual function.7 Still, an older published case study from 2004 found that prostate massages improved the sexual function of an elderly man.4 Other anecdotal reports similar to this have circulated, leading people to believe that prostate massage may help with sexual dysfunction. 4

May Enhance Sexual Pleasure

The prostate gland is often referred to as the male “G spot” or “P spot.” There is evidence to back up the notion that stimulation of the prostate during sex can be highly pleasurable and result in more intense orgasms. Although there is little understanding of the medical reasons behind this, studies describe rectal stimulation of the prostate as producing “ecstatic feelings” that may be even more pleasurable than stimulating the penis. 1

Prostate massage and prostate milking are similar, and both involve stimulation of the prostate through the rectum. Prostate milking is usually associated with sexual pleasure, and  its goal is to release seminal fluid from the prostate, which is released during an orgasm. Whereas prostate massage is sometimes medical in nature. 2

There are no known adverse effects associated with prostate massage.7 But the tissues lining the prostate and rectum are delicate and vulnerable to tears and abrasions. Massaging the prostate too roughly can easily lead to discomfort and soreness. A 2009 study that looked at self-administered prostate massages for the treatment of urinary tract symptoms among older males found that about 8% of study participants complained of rectal soreness with treatment. 8

Prostate massage is advised against certain medical conditions. For example, the American Academy of Family Physicians Foundation (AAFP) has warned that prostate massage should be avoided if you have acute bacterial prostatitis, or if you have a suspected case. 9< Anyone who is interested in having a prostate massage performed should check with their healthcare provider first, especially if they have any known medical conditions. Prostate massage should not be substituted for proper medical care or medical screenings of the prostate. Periodic prostate cancer screening is recommended for males aged 55 through 69. 10

Prostate massages may be performed by your healthcare provider, by your partner, or yourself. When performed by a healthcare provider, the massage may be similar to a rectal exam, where your healthcare provider inserts a gloved finger into your rectum, examines your prostate, and gently massages.

If you or your partner are performing a prostate massage, here are some things to keep in mind:

  • The massage should be done with clear consent, and should be stopped if discomfort or pain is experienced.
  • It’s important to thoroughly wash your hands or sex toys before insertion; some people prefer to wear gloves.
  • Liberal use of lubricant is advised.
  • To begin, insert your finger a few inches into the anus.
  • Locate the prostate, which will feel like a small lump.
  • Gently massage the prostate by moving your finger in a circular motion, or whatever motion feels comfortable and/or pleasurable.
  • For people who are uncomfortable with rectal stimulation, the prostate can be stimulated by massage and pressure on the perineum, which is the area located between the anus and scrotum.11 However, it may not be easy to find it that way. 

A prostate massage involves gentle stimulation of the prostate gland by inserting a finger or sex toy into the rectum, locating the prostate, and massaging. Prostate massages may have some medical benefits, such as reducing symptoms of prostatitis and helping with urine flow.74 However, the evidence for medical benefits is limited.

Many find prostate massage highly pleasurable and prostate massage may result in more intense orgasms. 1 Although prostate massage appears to be a relatively safe practice, it’s important to touch base with your healthcare provider before getting a prostate massage, especially if you have any underlying medical conditions. 7

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A guy’s guide to sexual health

— What every man should know

Most people know the fundamental sportsmanship rule: hitting below the belt is illegal. The groin is highly sensitive, and a strike here can cause severe injury. While a man’s sexuality is off-limits for low blows, that doesn’t mean it’s off-limits for discussion with your doctor.

Too bad most men don’t see it that way.

Stats About Guys and Sexual Health

It’s not that men aren’t concerned about sexual health. In a 2023 survey, the Cleveland Clinic reported:

• 44% of men are worried about erectile dysfunction.
•39% of men are worried about loss of sex drive.
•36% of men are worried about low testosterone.

But of men surveyed, while 37% reported having experienced issues related to sexual health, only two in five sought professional help.

So, guys, let’s have a frank discussion about your most common sexual health concerns.

– Talking About ED

What is it?
Erectile dysfunction is the inability to get or maintain an erection firm enough to have sex. Many men think ED only occurs in older men, but ED is not exclusive to getting older. There are men in their 40s and 50s who experience ED and men in their 70s, 80s, and 90s with great sex lives.

What are the symptoms?
Failure to reach or sustain an erection more than half of the time, at any age, may indicate a condition that needs treatment. Other symptoms may include decreased sexual desire and less rigid erections.

Who is at risk?
ED has a wide range of causes, from vascular issues and nervous system issues to hormone or psychological issues. Chronic health conditions, which about 1 in 4 guys face in the U.S., also impact erectile function. These include diabetes, heart disease and hypertension, obesity, high cholesterol, and smoking. Many medications that treat these conditions have side effects that contribute to ED. Bottom line: ED is a complex, common medical condition and not one to treat lightly or feel self-conscious about.

What is the most common myth about ED?
That taking testosterone supplements will cure ED. Low testosterone may or may not be what is affecting your erections. Taking supplements with a normal testosterone level will not result in better erections and may cause side effects if not taken appropriately.

What treatments for ED are you most excited about?
Low-intensity shock wave lithotripsy and platelet-rich plasma (PRP) therapy injections. There are also new oral therapies in clinical trials. ED is very treatable. It all comes down to which treatment is right for your lifestyle.

– Talking About Low-T

What is it?
Testosterone deficiency syndrome or Low-T means that a man’s body is not making enough testosterone, the primary male sex hormone that regulates fertility, muscle mass, fat distribution, and red blood cell production.

What are the symptoms?
Reduced sex drive, reduced erectile function, loss of body hair (including facial hair), loss of lean muscle mass, feeling tired all the time, obesity, and symptoms of depression are the specific symptoms most directly linked to Low-T.

Who is at risk?
Data suggests that about 2.1% of men (2 in every 100) may have clinically Low-T, which is a low blood testosterone level of less than 300 nanograms per deciliter (ng/dL). It is more common in men over the age of 80, who have diabetes, or who are overweight. Don’t just assume you have Low-T and start popping pills. Talk to your doctor.

What is one of the most common misconceptions about Low-T?
That it’s a normal part of aging, and nothing can be done about it. If you have clinically Low-T, it is essential to treat it. Testosterone is not just for sexual health. It aids in bone, cardiac, mental, and psychological health. Anyone whose testosterone is in the low-normal range may also benefit from treatment, but a physician should manage it.

What treatment for Low-T are you most excited about?
Bio T Pellets because they quickly get testosterone into the normal and high normal range for men.

– Talking About Peyronie’s Disease

What is it?
Peyronie’s disease is a condition by which a small scar forms in the lining of the penis resulting in penile curvature, loss of penile strength, indentation, or pain.

What are the symptoms?
During the first 12 months of developing Peyronie’s disease, you may experience pain with erections, curvature of the penis, penile shortening, an abnormal shape to the penis, or a lump in the penis.

Many men are worried that Peyronie’s disease will cause issues with getting and maintaining erections. While there is some association between penile plaque and restriction of blood flow in the penis, this is not always the case.

Who is at risk?
Peyronie’s disease typically forms from microscopic trauma that occurs during intercourse. The trauma leads to inflammation and then a penile scar or lump. It is most common in men over the age of 40.

What is the most common misconception about Peyronie’s
That it is a rare condition. It can feel very isolating, since many men don’t talk about it or seek care because they find it embarrassing. In reality, it’s estimated that 6-10% of adult men have Peyronie’s disease.

What treatments for Peyronie’s disease are you most excited about?
Introducing injectable collagenase into penile plaques has dramatically broadened the options for safe and effective office-based treatment of Peyronie’s. Surgery remains highly effective at correcting the curvature for more severe or bidirectional (S-shaped) curvatures.

The Physical/Mental/Sexual Health Connection

Men, your physical, mental, and sexual health are closely related. Changes in sexual health may indicate underlying medical conditions. Sexual health affects your quality of life and mental health.

A urologist can provide many management options, including observation, medication, injections, surgery, and more. Sexual health is a crucial component of overall health, so if you’re experiencing any issues, it’s time to consider seeking help from a physician.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Top 10 Shocking Ways Technology Could Change Sex in the Future

— Have you ever considered the ways technological advances could transform human relationships? From male contraceptive medications, to personalized 3D printed sex toys, to haptic suits that could allow us to experience pornography more directly, there are a variety of unexpected ways tech will shape the future of sex. WatchMojo counts down ten future technologies that could drastically alter our sex lives.

By Nick Roffey

Top 10 Shocking Ways Technology Could Change Sex in the Future

The tech world may very well transform the way we get intimate. Welcome to WatchMojo.com, and today we’re counting down our picks for the top 10 ways technology could change sex.

For this list, we’re looking at emerging and predicted technologies that could significantly change our sexual relationships and impact our sex lives.

#10: DIY-Customizable, Printable Sex Toys

3D printing: the revolutionary technology used to create engine parts, human tissue, houses . . . and Eiffel Tower-shaped dildos. Don’t want to walk into a sex shop or receive a mysterious package at home? Sex toys are becoming printable and customizable. Online retailer SexShop3D allows customers to completely customize their sex devices and print them at home. Choose from a range of adjustments, or just make something up. Get as creative as you like!

#9: Avatar-Based Sex & Virtual Prostitution

In the online world of Second Life, users can make connections, explore an extensive multiverse, and even start virtual businesses. Or you can also, y’know, Netflix and… pixel mash. Just grab some genitals for your avatar at the general store, and you’re off. If you can’t find the right match, there are virtual sex workers available (for a price) in certain locations. Another massive multiplayer online world, Red Light Center, caters to adult tastes exclusively, and employs freelance Working Girls and Guys to entertain their members. Meanwhile, prostitution itself is going virtual, pushing the boundaries of online sex chats, and bringing avatars together in new and… interesting ways. And that’s not even taking into account webcam shows.

#8: Haptic Suits

Several companies have been hard at work creating advanced haptic suits that mimic physical sensations. The Teslasuit, for example, uses “neuromuscular electrical stimulation” to simulate a wide range of tactile sensations, from a breeze to a bullet. Right now, the industry focus is primarily on gaming, but futurologists predict that such suits will one day allow us to experience porn more directly and have sex at a distance. Admittedly however, the early examples of suits designed specifically for sexual purposes are… alarming. Here’s hoping that future incarnations are a little more discrete and less… awkward-looking.

#7: Artificial Wombs

Researchers at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia made headlines in 2017 when they successfully “grew” premature lambs in artificial wombs. The lambs were placed inside fluid-filled plastic “biobags” and attached to mechanical placentas. The researchers hope to develop similar technology for humans. Sound like something out of a sci-fi novel? Well, writers in the genre have been anticipating this development for some time. In the utopian society of Marge Piercy’s acclaimed “Woman on the Edge of Time”, babies are gestated in mechanical brooders and men can breastfeed, allowing both sexes to “mother” children. One day, human babies could grow entirely in artificial wombs, changing our ideas about gender, family, and equality.

#6: Laboratory-Grown Genitals

Dr. Anthony Atala, a urological surgeon specializing in regenerative medicine, has engineered and successfully transplanted artificial bladders and vaginas. Since the organs are created from a patient’s own cells, there’s no risk of the body rejecting the transplant. Tissue engineering could completely revolutionize organ transplantation… and genitals. Atala is growing human penises in vats, and believes transplants will be possible very soon. His work provides hope for people with damaged reproductive organs, or who just want some new junk. Could designer genitalia be just around the corner?

#5: Male Contraceptive Medication

In 2016, the trial of an injectable male contraceptive was halted early due to side effects such as mood changes and acne… which, understandably, prompted women around the world to collectively roll their eyes. Many of the men reportedly actually thought the side effects were worth it, but researchers stopped the trial due to an unexpected and unexplained spike in these effects. Despite mixed results, numerous researchers are continuing to work on solutions for men, such as pills, topical gels, and perhaps most promising, one-time reversible injections, such as Vasalgel and RISUG. Regardless of which option hits the market first, they could finally balance out the burden of birth control.

#4: Teledildonics

Personal sex devices that connect via Bluetooth are providing new ways for couples to relate over long distances, and making porn interactive. A company known as Kiiroo already offers pairable sex toys that promise to let you “feel your lover from anywhere in the world”. This also has applications for pornography. In 2015 pornstar Lisa Ann held what was billed as “the world’s first virtual gangbang”, allowing male viewers to “feel her” by syncing their Kiiroo masturbators to her vibrator. For added intimacy, other companies have developed “hug shirts” and long-distance kissing devices. Teledildonics, paired with haptic suits, promise to make remote sex increasingly realistic.

#3: Virtual Reality

Virtual reality is becoming an increasingly common medium for pornography, with content available on many of the major sites. Add the aforementioned haptic suits and teledildonics, and you have everything you need for virtual sex, be it with actors, or avatars controlled by other people. In an interview with Playboy, Ray Kurzweil, director of engineering at Google, predicted that virtual sex will eventually become commonplace thanks to nanobot networks that will be installed into our brains. Some research projects suggest that VR also has the potential to increase empathy between the sexes. Be Another Lab’s Gender Swap experiment swapped male and female perspectives, while the YWCA in Montreal, Quebec, Canada has used VR to educate young people about consent.

#2: Augmented Reality

At the 2017 Facebook Developer Conference, CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced that the future of the company lies in augmented reality, in which digital images are superimposed onto the physical world. The company is working on smart glasses to help make AR a ubiquitous part of our lives. And futurists claim that this will greatly influence how we have sex. In the same aforementioned Playboy interview, Ray Kurzweil, predicts that we will one day be able to change how our partner looks, making them more attractive, or like someone completely different. Of course, AR also has interesting potential uses for dating apps.

#1: Sex Robots

Sex robots are on their way. Futurist Ian Pearson predicts that by 2050, we’ll have sex with robots more than with people. Seem far-fetched? A subsidiary of Abyss Creations has been working on a robotic head that attaches to their line of life-sized sex dolls. The head features a customizable personality storable on smartphones, thanks to 2017 app Harmony AI. And, a number of other companies are working on their own automated sex dolls. Some observers worry that sexbots will increase gender inequalities, while others believe they’ll reduce human prostitution and trafficking, blowing away the competition with uncanny abilities. Only time will tell just how drastically this will shape the future of sex culture.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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10 must-read books that reimagine sex and power in 2024

— Dive into diverse perspectives on sex, relationships, and reproductive rights with these 10 thought-provoking reads for a sex-positive year.

Dive into diverse perspectives on sex, relationships, and reproductive rights with these 10 thought-provoking reads for a sex-positive year.

By Annabel Rocha

If one of your new year’s resolutions is to read more books, Reckon has you covered. Whether you’re looking for a way to introduce healthy sex discussions to your children, or learn more about the history of abortion in the U.S., here are 10 sex-positive books to add to your collection in 2024.

“Vaginas and Periods 101: A Pop-Up Book” by Christian Hoeger and Kristin Lilla

Talking to kids about reproductive anatomy can be intimidating, but experts say that teaching children the correct terms for their genitals prevents shame and promotes bodily autonomy and safety.

This intro to vaginas and periods book is visually interesting, informative, and inclusive. It features a pop up vulva to provide a more realistic idea of anatomy, explaining that varying shapes and colors are normal.

According to the 2023 State of the Period survey, 90% of teens think schools should normalize menstruation and 81% said they wanted more in-depth education about menstrual health. This book provides a platform to introduce these conversations and answer some basic questions even adults may have wrong.

“The Book of Radical Answers: Real Questions from Real Kids Just Like You” by Sonya Renee Taylor

Award-winning poet and activist Sonya Renee Taylor writes books that make seemingly big topics like puberty and gender approachable for young people, with Taylor’s idea of radical self love infiltrated through the messaging. This book includes questions asked by real kids between the ages of 10 and 14. Taylor approaches many of these questions using her own life stories to humanize the experience, and answer the questions as a friend, someone the reader knows, rather than an unapproachable health expert.

“Red Moon Gang: An Inclusive Guide to Periods” by Tara Costello

According to UNICEF, 1.8 billion people around the world menstruate monthly but menstrual health education in the United States is not sufficient. YouGov found that 48% of adults “were not very or not at all prepared” for their first period, in a March 2023 poll.

In comes Red Moon Gang, which takes an inclusive guide into periods, hormonal fluctuations and what they mean, and how conditions like endometriosis and polycystic ovary syndrome can impact one’s cycle. This book goes beyond what is typically taught in schools, explaining how periods can be especially challenging to people experiencing homelessness, as well as people with disabilities.

“My Mom Had an Abortion” by Beezus B. Murphy

For those who love visuals, this short and sweet graphic novel tells a coming of age story of a protagonist learning about menstruation, her body and abortion as it affected her family. This narrative puts the topic of abortion in context of a real-life situation, making the reader – especially those who have not experienced abortion themselves – question their own preconceived notions about abortion.

“You’re the Only One I’ve Told” by Dr. Meera Shah

Chief medical officer of Planned Parenthood Hudson Peconic in New York, Dr. Meera Shah, compiled a collection of abortion stories told to her, humanizing the experience and illustrating the wide range of circumstances that contribute to one’s decision to have an abortion.

Shah shared an excerpt in Teen Vogue that tells the experience of a genderqueer teen in the Bible belt that needs their dad’s permission to have the procedure due to abortion restrictions in theri state.

“No Choice: The Destruction of Roe v. Wade and the Fight to Protect a Fundamental American Right” by Becca Andrews

Reckon’s very own former reproductive justice reporter Becca Andrews gives an in-depth look at the fight for Roe and the landscape left behind once it was overturned. This is a great read for anyone looking to catch up with how the battle for abortion rights has gone down, or for those looking for insight into the history that got us here.

“Countering Abortionsplaining: How People of Color Can Reclaim Our Stories and Right History” by Renee Bracey Sherman and Regine Mahone

Abortion and midwifery bans are rooted in white supremacy, as the existence of Black and Indigenous midwives stood in the way of white men’s obstetrics and gynecology practices, and enslaved women using cotton root to induce miscarriages threatened future generations for slaveholders to force into labor, according to New Lines Magazine. Abortion restrictions continue to disproportionately impact people of color, with 42% of people receiving abortions in 2021 identifying as Black. Yet, many prominent media abortion portrayals and the reproductive justice movement itself have been accused of being white-washed by women of color.

We spoke with author Renee Bracey Sherman in October about her take on Britney Spears and the importance of sharing abortion stories. Bracey Sherman coauthors this book with journalist Regine Mahone, attempting to provide the full picture of the reproductive justice narrative, providing a history of people of color’s experiences with and contributions to the abortion justice movement.

Scheduled to release in October 2024

“DIY: The Wonderfully Weird Science and History of Masturbation” by Dr. Eric Sprankle

Science says that masturbation is healthy and normal, yet like other aspects of human sexuality, it is surrounded by stigma and shame. Sprankle writes about the history of masturbation suppression, including doctors who run treatment programs for masturbation addiction and pastors who preach believe that masturbation creates mermaids.

On sale March 19, 2024

“The Furies: Women, Vengeance and Justice” by Elizabeth Flock

This book crosses borders and cultures to explore how power dynamics and gender impact women’s safety. Author Elizabeth Flock centers the stories of an Alabama women denied protection of the Stand-Your-Ground law after she killed a man she accused of raping her, a leader of an Indian gang that claims to avenge victims of domestic abuse, and a member of an all-women militia that’s battled ISIS in Syria.

According to the book description, each of these women “chose to use lethal force to gain power, safety, and freedom when the institutions meant to protect them—government, police, courts—utterly failed to do so.”

On sale January 9, 2024

“The Pregnancy Police: Conceiving Crime, Arresting Personhood” by Grace Howard

Fetal personhood and pregnancy criminalization were major issues in 2023, but they aren’t a new phenomenon. Even before the overturning of Roe, people have been punished for the decisions they’ve made regarding their fetuses, with surveillance by healthcare workers contributing to cases against pregnant people.

In this book, Howard analyzes thousands of arrest records documenting the history of pregnancy criminalization from eugenics to the present day.

Scheduled to release in June 2024

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How Long Is Too Long Without Sex in a Relationship?

— The answer is…complicated.

By Kayla Blanton

If you and your significant other suddenly feel a bit distant—whether it’s due to a post-honeymoon dip in excitement or the wedge of chaotic work schedules—it’s easy to spiral about the relationship’s fate, and Google: How long is too long to go without sex? There, you’ll find plenty of articles that attempt to answer your question—including this one—but the reality is, there is no way to hack to the nuanced form of connection that is human sexuality.

Meet the Experts: Juliana Hauser, Ph.D., a sex and marriage therapist and member of Kindra’s Advisory Board and Tatiana Rivera, L.I.C.S.W., a clinical and social work therapist with ADHDAdvisor.org.

Sex is one of the most universal pillars of well-being and relationships. It contributes to emotional intimacy, bonding, and “overall life satisfaction,” explains Juliana Hauser, Ph.D., a sex and marriage therapist and member of Kindra’s Advisory Board. However, the importance of sex—and what it looks like—varies among individuals and couples.

Still, with the help of experts, we took our best crack at better understanding dry spells, not wanting sex, or even wanting sex at different times. Keep reading for tips on how to enhance sexual connection, and to for our answer the ever-elusive existential question:

How long is too long without sex in a relationship?

“I don’t believe there’s a universal timeline,” says Hauser. “Every relationship is unique, and factors like life changes, overall stress, time constraints, physical and mental health, and communication styles, among many other factors, all play into the opportunity and desire for sexual connection.”

As a sex and relationship therapist, Hauser adds that she’s seen a variety of timelines work for her clients. “If there is mutual satisfaction within the relationship, there’s no arbitrary time frame that defines a healthy sexual connection,” she says.

On the flip side, Tatiana Rivera, L.I.C.S.W., a clinical and social work therapist with ADHDAdvisor.org says if she had to put parameters around it, on average, a “dry spell” could be defined as going without sex or any form of sexual contact for two to six months. But Hauser prefers not to use the term “dry spell” at all, “as it can use feelings of guilt, shame, or inadequacy, which only makes things worse,” she says, adding: “I see a lack of sexual connection in a relationship as a concern only when it causes distress or dissatisfaction for one or both partners.”

An important sidebar: Hauser prefers the term “sexual connection” as opposed to just “sex” when having this discussion, because there are many ways to engage in it outside of penetrative sex, “such as giving each other massages, a passionate kiss, sensual snuggling, and more,” she says. “In many cases, having long talks beneath the covers or sharing a deep conversation over dinner can feel incredibly sexually stimulating and that all counts in my book.”

Hauser continues: “What’s important is to define what each person needs to feel an intimate connection and to be intentional about cultivating those moments.” The catch is, those needs will likely be ever-changing. “What feels connected and intimate one week may look different the next, and committing to the journey with your partner while keeping communication front and center is more important than the acts themselves,” she adds.

How much sex is healthy in a relationship?

“It’s perfectly normal and expected for sexual patterns and frequency to change over time,” says Hauser. However, as a frame of reference, one 2017 study found that the average adult had sex 54 times per year, which is about once a week. Another 2015 study found that near-weekly frequency led to the greatest happiness in couples. “There are many scientific investigations establishing that healthy intimacy occurs two to three times a week,” adds Rivera.

If your sex life doesn’t match up to these numbers, you shouldn’t feel behind, because, again, every couple is different. “Couples I admire and believe are mutually supportive of each other, while maintaining a strong sense of self, find a balance that fulfills both partners’ needs and desires, and encourages and supports an open dialogue,” Hauser says.

Reasons you’re not having sex

Dips in libido can often be attributed to work, family, health, or life changes like menopause, explains Hauser. “What matters most is the quality of intimacy and the emotional connection shared by the couple,” she adds.

How to improve your sex life

If your quality of life becomes affected by a fluctuating sex life, Hauser and Rivera say it’s a good idea to create a plan of action. Here are some of their tips:

Communicate openly

If you’re dissatisfied sexually, your partner can’t know that unless you verbalize it, which, yes, is easier said than done. “What I find to be essential is open and honest communication about desires, needs, and expectations,” says Hauser. If you’re on the receiving end of concerns, it’s also important to show patience, empathy, and understanding, while also advocating for your needs, she adds.

Try the four quadrants exercise

One of Hauser’s favorite exercises for communication about sex is what she calls the four quadrants exercise, which can help you explore your sexual fantasies as a couple. Divide a piece of paper into four and label the quadrants as follows: 1. Things I have done and would like to do again, 2. Things I have done once and would not do again, 3. Things I have not done and would like to try, 4. Things I have not done and do not want to try.

“Fill it out separately, then discuss your lists together. Keep an open mind and maybe you’ll feel excited about trying something new, or can agree to discontinue something you both aren’t enjoying,” she says.

Tap into all of your senses

Again, sexual connection doesn’t always have to look a specific way. “I love guiding clients to explore their senses and sensuality outside of traditional sexual connection in order to reboot,” says Hauser. “Think of the senses you have access to and incorporate time in your day to reconnect with the smells, tastes, and sights that bring you joy, that keep you in the present moment, and that light you up. It’s amazing how powerful this practice can be.”

Develop a sexual toolbox

Kindra-Harris poll that surveyed women over 50 found that more than half of them keep a “sexual toolbox” equipped with lubricants, toys, and other products that help make sex as enjoyable and pleasurable as possible. “Menopause is one of the most common causes of a ‘dry spell’ in a couple’s relationship,” says Hauser. “Over half of women experience vaginal dryness after menopause, which can make sexual connection downright painful. If this resonates, I’d recommend trying a daily vaginal moisturizer like Kindra’s Daily Vaginal Lotion, as well as a lubricant during intimacy.”

Seek out a sex therapist

Lastly, if you try all of the above and a lack of intimacy persists, becoming a source of frustration, Hauser recommends seeking guidance from a sex therapist or other professional who can provide valuable insights catered to your relationship.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How To Have Multiple Orgasms

— 9 Tips For Women

Got any evening plans?

By

For many women, having one orgasm during sex can be an uphill battle, so the idea of achieving multiple orgasms might seem like the stuff of fiction.

But sex expert Tracey Cox said women are more than able to have multiples. “Because women don’t fall to the post-orgasm resolution phase as quickly as a man does, it’s easier for us to climb back up and have further orgasms in succession,” she told HuffPost UK.

Because we hate feeling left out, and don’t want to wait for National Orgasm Day (31 July), we asked experts how to improve the chances of having multiple orgasms.

1. Do your Kegel exercises.

Disappointingly, having mind-blowing orgasms isn’t all just about having sex and will require a little bit of groundwork before you get to reap the rewards, including doing regular Kegel exercises.

Cox said: “Like the rest of your body, if your pelvic floor muscle is toned and fit, it works better, pumping even more blood to the pelvis (which is great for arousal) and making stronger contractions – giving longer, more intense orgasms.

“Simply squeeze the muscle you use to hold back urine, hold it for two seconds, then release. Do this 20 times, three times per day.”

2. Do work on ‘peaking’ techniques.

They say good things come to those who wait, and no more so than those who don’t just rush straight into an orgasm. Instead, teach yourself to plateau and gradually build to the final moment, rather than rushing ahead.

Cox said: “Peaking involves taking yourself almost to the point of orgasm, waiting for your arousal to subside, then climbing back up again. This trains you to stay in a high state of excitement, following a ‘wave-like’ orgasm pattern, rather than one which starts at the bottom and steadily climbs higher.

“Not only does this optimise the release of endorphins, but it teaches your body to stay in a practically permanent orgasmic pleasure zone, able to orgasm over and over.”

3. Do develop orgasm triggers.

You might think that having sex is your orgasm trigger, but that’s not quite what we mean. Instead learn about the smaller signs that indicate you’re about to have an orgasm, such as your breathing. The more warning your brain gets, the more it will be able to summon the response when you want it.

Tracey Cox said: “Focus on what you naturally do on approach to orgasm, then exaggerate it. If you breathe heavier and faster, breathe even heavier the next time you’re about to climax. If you notice you tense your toes and throw your head back, do that.

“Get to the point where your brain thinks ‘aha deep heavy breathing combined with toe flexing means she’s about to orgasm’! Better get cracking then and make it happen!”

4. Don’t rush into it.

When you think you’re ready to start trying to have multiple orgasms with your partner (or by yourself) remember the golden rule – don’t rush it. For example, you could slowly apply lube to your partner and slowly start again, being aware if your partner is in any discomfort.

Ann Summers’ sex expert Eve Fifer said: “Your body will be much more sensitive after your first orgasm, which means carrying on with heavy stimulation straight away can be painful. And we don’t want that.”

5. Do use different stimulation.

No one likes to be bored in bed, especially your brain. And if you’re expecting yourself to orgasm again and again with the same stimuli then you’re probably going to be disappointed, so mix it up a bit.

“If you have your first via intercourse, you’ve got more chance having another through oral sex than through more penetrative sex,” said Cox.

“A third might be achievable through you masturbating yourself – it’s going to be the hardest to have, so call in the expert (you).”

6. Do take a moment to relax.

There is a big difference between taking a moment to relax between orgasms and just letting your body switch off and go to sleep. Of course it is important to give yourself a brief moment of relaxation (this isn’t meant to be a military boot camp) but stay in the moment and don’t drift away.

“This is what mindfulness is all about,” Fifer added. “Keep your head full of distinctly inappropriate thoughts.”

7. Don’t forget to breathe.

As with relaxing, don’t get so fixated on your orgasm goal that you forget to breathe properly, as this can play a massive part in your likelihood of reaching orgasm for a second or third time.

Cox said: “Some experts say holding your breath on orgasm heightens the sensation, others say if you starve your brain of oxygen, it forces oxygen-giving blood to flow toward it and away from your genitals.

“Continuing to breathe deeply through orgasm is recommended by spiritual sex devotees who claim it means you’re more likely to be able to have a second one.”

8. Don’t forget your partner.

In the midst of all this female orgasm chat, it’s important not to neglect whoever you are in bed with, especially as they may have already had their orgasm and not be feeling in the mood for round two.

“At the end of the day, a woman’s capacity to experience [multiple orgasms], depends on how relaxed and in tune with her body she is, how motivated her partner is, and how little they both have to do,” said Suzi Godson, sex and relationships columnist for The Times.

9. Do remember that practice makes perfect.

As with all things in life, if you want to get good, you’re going to have to put in some practice beforehand.

Fifer said: “Each orgasm will feel more intense than the one before it, and the more you practice the easier you’ll find it to reach the second, and third, and fourth.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Google reveals top sex questions people asked in 2023

By Emily Brown

Google has revealed the top sex questions people asked this year – and it’s made me slightly concerned for everyone who lived before the internet.

Honestly, what the hell did people do before its creation?

You’re telling me they nipped over to the local library and scanned the shelves to find out the answers to their explicit questions?

I don’t think so.

But of course, with the creation of the internet also comes data that can be stored and analysed, allowing Google to come up with the very list we’re reporting on today.

It might be embarrassing to think about how Google probably knows exactly whether you’re among the people asking these questions, but at least you’ll know you’re not alone.

So, let’s get on with it shall we?

10 – How do fish have sex?

I bet that’s not where you thought we’d be starting, is it? But it’s a valid enough question, even if it’s never crossed your mind before.

If you’re curious now, I can tell you that fish apparently aren’t so bothered about having sex as they are with reproducing.

Spawning fish get themselves into what’s known as a ‘nuptial embrace’, where the male wraps his body around the female and releases milt into the water, while the female releases eggs which are then immediately fertilized.

Fish are more bothered about having babies than getting busy. Credit: Pixabay
Fish are more bothered about having babies than getting busy.

9 – Why do I have no sex drive female

There are a number of things that can lower your sex drive as a woman, including relationship problems, stress, anxiety or depression, sexual problems, pregnancy, medicines and hormonal contraception.

If you’re worried about low sex drive, you can get in touch with your GP for advice.

8 – What is anal sex?

Loads of you might be clued up on exactly what anal sex is, but clearly there are a lot of people still out there wondering.

To put it simply, anal sex involves penetration of the anus, rather than the vagina.

You wouldn't want to ask about anal sex in a library. Credit: Pixabay
You wouldn’t want to ask about anal sex in a library.

7 – How long after a miscarriage can you have sex?

As well as dealing with the emotional effects of miscarriage, there are also a number of physical effects which can impact sex.

People may bleed for a period of time following a miscarriage, during which time

the cervix is dilated wider than normal, making it more prone to infection.

To help ensure you can carry out healthy sex, doctors recommend waiting at least two weeks after miscarriage before inserting anything into the vagina.

6 – How many calories do you burn during sex?

Is it possible to really get a good workout from pleasure?

Research indicates that you can at least equate some fun in the bedroom to light exercise – with one study conducted by the University of Quebec at Montreal revealing that men burned an average of 101 calories in 24 minutes, while women burned 69 calories.

No, I’m not making that number up.

Sex can be considered light exercise. Credit: Pexels
Sex can be considered light exercise.

5 – How many dates should you go on before having sex?

Ah, the age-old question. What is the perfect number? Some live by the three-date rule, while others want to wait until they hit four or five.

Ultimately, it comes down to your own preferences; when you’re ready, whether you actually still like the person after a few dates, and whether you actually want to have sex with them.

4 – Why do I bleed after having sex?

The NHS states there are a number of reasons women may bleed after having sex, including an infection, vaginal dryness or damage to the vagina.

In rare instances, bleeding after sex can be a sign of cervical or vaginal cancer.

If you’re concerned, contact your GP for advice.

3 – What is sex positivity?

There are varying definitions of sex positivity, but generally it’s about openness and appreciation of sex, including sexual orientations, interests, identities and expressions.

Embrace and enjoy it!

Sex positivity is about embracing and appreciating sex. Credit: Pexels
Sex positivity is about embracing and appreciating sex.

2 – Can you have sex when pregnant?

There have been a few jokes made on TV and in films about whether the baby could be impacted by the sudden appearance of an unexpected guest in the vagina, but I can assure you that, unless you’ve been specifically advised by a doctor or midwife to avoid sex, the baby will be fine.

A penis or toy wouldn’t penetrate beyond the vagina, meaning having sex is perfectly safe.

1 – What is speed bump sex position?

Here we are, at the most Googled sex question of 2023. I’m surprised positions didn’t come up sooner, but everyone’s clearly spent this year focused on one in particular.

So, what is the speed bump?

Popularized by Love Island star Tom Clare after he mentioned it on the show, the speed bump involves one person putting a pillow under their hips before lying face down.

The pillow forms the so-called ‘speed bump’, though I’m not sure how effective it is at getting people to slow down.

So there you have it, you’ve managed to learn the answers to the year’s top sex questions without becoming a Google statistic.

You’re welcome.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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6 things we learned about sexual health this year

By Kaitlin Reilly

Sexual health is health — and, boy, did we learn a lot about it this year. After spending 2023 diving into studies, surveys and even pop culture moments that focused on all things sex, I’ve concluded that there’s always more to know about the more intimate side of our lives. Sometimes the things we learned may have felt a little TMI — like, say, the role Christmas ornaments have as potential sex toys. Most of the time, however, the stuff we learned about sex was pretty groundbreaking, such as how there are two types of desire, and neither is wrong.

Here’s a wrap-up of the top six things we learned about sex this year — and here’s to many more fun, sexy facts in the new year.

1. Many women keep a ‘sexual toolbox’

You may not find it at Home Depot, but more than half of menopausal women ages 50 and over who were asked about their sex lives in a September Kindra-Harris poll said that they kept a “sexual toolbox” to make intercourse more pleasurable. These products include lubricants, as well as vibrators, both of which can make sex more fun and comfortable, especially as many menopausal women experience vaginal dryness and other pain during sex, medically known as dyspareunia.

And speaking of lubricant — you may want to be careful about what you put in your own toolbox. If you are using condoms, whether that’s with a sex toy or partner, you should never use oil-based lube, as it can “destroy the integrity of latex condoms,” women’s health expert Dr. Jennifer Wider tells Yahoo Life.

You don’t have to be menopausal to benefit from lube either. “A myth surrounding lube is that people only use lube when something is not quite working correctly,” says Dr. Laura Purdy, chief medical officer at Wisp. “This couldn’t be further from the truth. Many people use lube to make things feel more natural, and lube can be your best friend during sex.”

2. There are 2 types of desire — and neither is wrong

In movies (and, of course, porn) all it takes is someone looking at their partner for Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” to start playing. In real life, sexual psychologist Laurie Mintz says that’s not exactly how things work — at least, not most of the time, and especially not for people in long-term relationships. That’s because there are two types of desire: “spontaneous desire,” which is when you feel aroused pretty much immediately, and “responsive desire,” which means you need some kind of stimulation in order to put yourself in a sexy mood.

“With this type of desire, one doesn’t wait to be horny to have sex, but has sex to get horny,” Mintz says, which means that “the desire follows the arousal, versus the reverse.”

Obviously, there are times when sex is completely off the table between two consenting adults — headaches and new episodes of The Golden Bachelor do exist, after all. However, these two kinds of desire may take some of the pressure off people who may feel like they have a lower libido simply because they don’t feel spontaneously sexual.

Instead of making yourself feel bad because you can’t go zero to 60, try engaging in things that make you feel in the mood before you get to your sexual main event, whether that’s masturbating, kissing your partner or even just relaxing and thinking about sex in the hours leading up to a planned encounter.

3. Young people are having less sex than their parents did at their age

Teen rates of sexual intercourse are declining, according to a 2023 published survey from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The survey found that only 30% of teens in 2021 said they ever had sexual intercourse, down from 38% in 2019. While, yes, the COVID-19 pandemic did likely have something to do with the declining rates (it’s a little hard to socially distance during sex), some experts think there may be other reasons for the decline, such as more teens identifying as LGBTQ and engaging in sex acts that don’t necessarily involve intercourse.

It’s also possible that young people just aren’t growing up as fast as they once did. Jean Twenge, a San Diego State University psychology professor who reviewed the data for her book Generations, told the Los Angeles Times that more young people are living at home longer and delaying things like getting their driver’s license and going to college — which may also affect their sex life.

“In times and places where people live longer and education takes longer, the whole developmental trajectory slows down,” she said. “And so for teens and young adults, one place that you’re going to notice that is in terms of dating and romantic relationships and sexuality.”

4. People are using strange seasonal things as sex toys

TikTokers love to review the holiday items at Target each year, but Dr. Adam Gaston, an internal medicine physician since 2021, went viral on the platform for a different reason: by reminding his followers not to put said Christmas decor any place it “doesn’t belong.” Sure, that Christmas tree ornament may not be shaped all that differently from a dildo, but spending the holidays in an emergency room because glass broke inside your rectum or vagina is ho-ho-horrific.

Of course, it’s not just the holiday season that gets people hot, bothered and making bad decisions about what to use for sexual gratification: A 2013 case study revealed that things like ballpoint pens, a tea glass and even an eggplant were found in the rectum of different men, so really, why wouldn’t a Christmas ornament be on deck too?

Place those ornaments on your tree and add a silicone-based sex toy on your holiday wish list.

5. Libido gummies (probably) don’t work — at least not how you think

Popping a supplement or chewing on a gummy won’t make you instantly hot and bothered, even as more and more companies are selling libido gummies that claim to put women in the mood for love.

The jury is out on these products, says Dr. Tiffany Pham, an ob-gyn and a medical adviser for female health app Flo Health, as there is “a lack of robust research into the claims behind these supplements,” even as some individual ingredients show promise.

But that’s not the only reason they’re unlikely to be the sole solution for low libido for women: Libido involves more than just physical function and can be affected by everything from stress to past trauma to the connection one has with a partner. If you’re really struggling with a lack of desire, talking with a sex therapist will likely do way more than an over-the-counter supplement. And if you are curious about taking something to boost your libido, make sure to talk to your doctor, who can tell you if it’s safe to explore.

6. Dry orgasms are a thing for men

And Just Like That may be lacking the sex part of its predecessor’s name, but there’s still plenty of sex in the city for Carrie Bradshaw and her friends. In a 2023 episode, Charlotte and her husband, Harry, are having sex when Harry orgasms — only for no semen to come out. After consulting with a doctor, the couple learns he experienced a retrograde orgasm, or a dry orgasm, which occurs when semen enters the bladder instead of exiting through the penis, leading to little to no ejaculation. While Harry is instructed to do kegels — leading to Charlotte training him in the famed pelvic floor exercise — urologist Dr. Fenwa Milhouse told Insider that advice won’t help. Dry orgasms are typically a nerve issue and often caused by certain medications, like ones taken for diabetes, as well as pelvic injuries.

“It’s not dangerous. It’s not detrimental to the person’s body, but it can interfere with fertility because the semen isn’t getting where it needs to be, which is being deposited into the partner’s vagina,” Milhouse told Insider.

Bonus: Here’s how you find your G-spot (which may not be a ‘spot,’ after all)

Ah, the G-spot. If you’re a person with a vagina and have always found this famed alleged center of pleasure elusive, Martha Kempner’s breakdown of the G-spot includes where to find it. The G-spot is on the front wall of the vagina, nearly two inches in. Also worth noting? The G-spot may not be a spot at all but more of a zone, as, according to a 2022 article, there are actually “five separate erotogenic tissues that function in a similar way to the G-spot.”

One theory why stimulating the G-spot feels so good is that people are stimulating the clitorourethrovaginal (CUV) complex, which includes interactions between the clitoris, urethra and uterus, says Debby Herbenick, director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University and author of Read My Lips. A come-hither motion with two (well-lubed!) fingers should do the trick.

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Is Your Libido Normal?

— Experts Explain How It Can Change

By Karen Robock

There may be some times in your life when you feel as if you want to torch the sheets with your partner every night, and other times when the sexiest thing you can imagine is binge- watching baking shows. Or maybe you have sex every week or two and don’t miss it when you don’t. Meanwhile, you hear about friends who are at it every day, and think, What’s wrong with me?<

Meet the experts: Laurie Mintz, Ph.D., sex therapist and emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Florida; Susan S. Khalil, M.D., director of the Division of Sexual Health at Mount Sinai in New York City; Sally MacPhedran, M.D., director of the Women’s Sexual Health Center at MetroHealth Medical Center in Cleveland; Tami Rowen, M.D., an ob/gyn and an associate professor at the University of California San Francisco; Tameca Harris-Jackson, Ph.D., a sex therapist and director of Hope & Serenity Health Services in Altamonte Springs, FL

Well, we are here to tell you that the answer is, probably nothing. Libido, a.k.a. sex drive or sexual desire, “is multifaceted and multi- determined, encompassing biological, medical, familial, cultural, relational, and individual factors,” says sex therapist Laurie Mintz, Ph.D., an emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Florida and the author of Becoming Cliterate. With all those influences on whether you’re motivated to have sex, it makes sense that your drive can ebb and flow, even throughout a week or month (indeed, for premenopausal women, monthly cycles affect libido).

And certainly libido can vary through the broader phases of your life, says Susan S. Khalil, M.D., director of the Division of Sexual Health in the Raquel and Jaime Gilinski Department of Obstetrics, Gynecology, and Reproductive Science at Mount Sinai in New York City. When you’re in your 20s, for example, curiosity about sexuality and pleasure tend to drive up desire. Libido can plummet in the months and years after you have a baby, then rise again when the baby stops keeping you up all night. During perimenopause, women experience a natural dip in sex hormones and may start to have issues with lubrication, which can affect how into it you are. One recent study found that women’s desire tended to fluctuate more than men’s throughout their lifetimes, but that people all had similar ups and downs on a weekly basis.

What is libido, exactly?

Bear with us as we take you back to Sex 101: “Libido” is the term used to describe sexual desire or a desire for sexual activity, which may mean with a partner or the solo act of masturbation. It’s not a medical term—it was coined by Sigmund Freud, and there isn’t a universally accepted way to measure it.

That’s one of the reasons why, when it comes to libido, there is no such thing as normal. Whether yours is “healthy” is a matter of perspective, depending on what you need and want, says Sally MacPhedran, M.D., director of the Women’s Sexual Health Center at MetroHealth Medical Center in Cleveland. A high libido is as normal as a low one, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, and low sex drive is a problem only if it’s a problem for you. “There is a huge range when it comes to desire,” says Dr. MacPhedran, who often compares the spectrum of libido to the variation in height. “You don’t say somebody is abnormal at five-nine versus five-two—it’s just different.” While the term “libido” is often used interchangeably with “sex drive,” some experts take issue with the latter because it creates an unfair comparison with other primal drives, such as thirst and hunger, that are essential to survival. “You won’t die if you don’t have sex,” says Mintz. (The human species doesn’t necessarily depend on it, as sex isn’t always associated with reproduction, particularly when it comes to same-sex couples and those past childbearing age.) Understanding the need for sex requires a more nuanced grasp of the idea, says Mintz.

What hormones have to do with it

In biological terms, libido is regulated by the sex hormones testosterone and estrogen along with neurotransmitters such as norepinephrine and dopamine. Feelings of sexual desire typically begin to emerge between the ages of 9 and 15, when hormones start to surge, and continue through sexual maturity, dipping during menopause for women and tapering off in later adulthood.

These sex hormones will peak and wane through different phases of life: People who have periods will often notice a pattern in the rise and fall of their libido that’s tied to their menstrual cycle, says Tami Rowen, M.D., an ob/gyn and an associate professor at the University of California San Francisco. “Over the course of a month, a person’s sex drive will peak when they are ovulating, then drop significantly,” she says. Our hormones and neurotransmitters convey the message of desire for sex to the prefrontal cortex of the brain. But sometimes those messages can get a bit muffled. Even when our hormones peak and we are theoretically most primed for sex, we don’t always pick up on, or prioritize, what our bodies are telling us. We may be preoccupied with a sick child or simply too tired to notice (let alone heed) libido’s siren call. And that’s to be expected: Your brain is supposed to filter things to determine what your responsibilities are, what you can act on and what you can’t.

It’s also important to differentiate between the two types of desire: “What most people envision desire to look like is spontaneous sexual desire,” says Dr. MacPhedran. That’s what we read about in romance novels—when just locking eyes with someone across the room can make you excited. Responsive desire, on the other hand, is being open to saying yes to intimacy even if you’re not in the mood for sex. You may come home from work, desiring nothing but a warm bath, but when you see that your partner has brought you your favorite flowers, all of a sudden it’s Game on.

This distinction is important, because while both are part of a healthy sexual response, spontaneous desire is all we talk about and see onscreen, which can often leave people who don’t experience it thinking there’s something wrong with them. But the experts agree: There isn’t. Having responsive sexual desire—meaning you say yes when the environment is right—can result in exactly the same sexual satisfaction as spontaneous desire.

How do you feel about sex?

Your upbringing, beliefs, and negative experiences can affect your libido. “Religions and belief sets that bill sex as dirty and sinful can lead to sexual shame,” says Mintz, who points out that many women who are raised in a culture that emphasizes “purity” may struggle with these feelings even years after they’ve left that culture. A history of sexual abuse or unhealthy relationships can also affect your libido in the long term. On the other hand, some people might feel relief after leaving a culture in which they felt shamed and may find that freedom enhances their desire.

Working through negative feelings about sex or finding yourself in a positive life space can ramp up your libido as well. Maybe you’ve found a relationship in which you feel safe. Maybe you have a new, less stressful job and finally have the mental space to think about romance. Or maybe you’ve recently started taking better care of yourself and you feel physically good; this too can bump up your desire.

high angle view of a red rocker switch with power on and power off symbols printed in white, switched in the power off position on yellow background

Reasons your drive might dip

There are numerous health and wellness issues that could be behind your dry spell. Some of the most common:

You’re stressed

This is the number one factor that affects libido in the patients of Tameca Harris-Jackson, Ph.D., a sex therapist and director of Hope & Serenity Health Services in Altamonte Springs, FL. Not only can the daily onslaught of work, money, and relationship worries dampen desire, but that often starts a negative-feedback loop in which people end up sleeping less, drinking more alcohol (a depressant that impedes sexual function), and skipping self-care.

You’re on desire-dampening meds

An estimated one in eight Americans takes antidepressants, and many don’t realize that some types of these meds can quash desire. “The worst medications for libido are certain antidepressants,” says Dr. Rowen, adding that their effects on libido are “a major reason people stop taking them.” (If you’re taking Paxil or Prozac, for example, ask your doctor about adjusting your dosage or switching to a different antidepressant.) Meds for allergies, diabetes, and high blood pressure can have an effect on sexual desire as well.

Your diet could use a reset

If you’ve ever felt bloated and not in the mood after a dinner date that featured heavy food, you know how what you eat can immediately affect your desire. Your nutrition from day to day is important too, says Harris-Jackson. “If the efficacy of blood flow is impeded by a high- sodium or high-sugar diet, there can be difficulty feeling sensation and having full function of sexual organs,” she says.

You’re on the Pill

“The idea that you can have sex for pleasure without the risk of pregnancy, certainly in this political day and age, is really important, but people should know that the birth control pill can affect libido,” says Dr. Rowen. Talk to your doctor about other reliable forms of long-term contraception, she advises.

You’re tired

According to a study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, for some women just one more hour of shut-eye can lead to higher levels of sexual desire and better arousal the next day.

You have health challenges

>Chronic pain from arthritis or fibromyalgia, for example, may prevent you from focusing on pleasure cues. Conditions like anxiety and incontinence can also make sex more challenging.

studio shot

How to boost your libido (if you want to!)

As all the experts say, your level of desire is a problem only if it bothers you. It can become an issue, though, when the libidos of partners in a romantic relationship aren’t quite in sync: If, for example, you crave sex once a week but your partner is happy with having it once a month, this is what is known as desire discrepancy—it is very common and is something you can work on together. “A difference in sex drive should be dealt with the same way as any other differences in a long-term relationship,” says Mintz: Communication and compromise are required to make everyone happy. “Especially as we age, our relationship ages, and spontaneous desire wanes, it’s often advisable for couples to jointly decide on their ideal frequency and schedule sexual encounters,” she says. Agreeing to weekly trysts, as Mintz calls them, keeps sex on the table so you don’t fall out of the habit altogether. But if you have trouble agreeing on how often to have sex, there’s unresolved tension, or one person is feeling rejected, you may wish to see a certified sex therapist. “Sexual problems are fixable—and the sooner the better, before resentments pile up,” says Mintz.

But don’t confuse this scenario with the idea that you need fixing. Historically, women have been shamed for having strong libidos (while men are applauded for the same thing), and also there is intense stigma surrounding low desire across the board. “There are a lot of stereotypes around cis women not having natural drive, but it’s unfair to describe women that way, because there is a broad range,” says Dr. Rowen. Whatever your level of desire, she says, “know that you are not broken.”

When to talk to a doctor

If your libido has changed or is bothering you, talk to your primary care provider or an ob/gyn. They may diagnose you with hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), a condition in which a decrease in or lack of sexual fantasies and desires causes personal distress. Your doc will ask questions about your medical and sexual history, may perform a physical exam to look for issues like thinning vaginal tissue or other pain-triggering concerns, recommend extra testing to rule out under lying medical issues, and refer you to a specialist before making a diagnosis.

  • Making adjustments to medications that have libido-lowering side effects
  • Psychotherapy such as mindfulness-based CBT
  • Hormone therapy, especially for postmenopausal women
  • A prescription for Vyleesi or Addyi—these two drugs are FDA-approved to boost desire in premenopausal women

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20 Hot Ways to Spice Up Sex When You’re Craving Something Naughty and New

— Let’s get you out of this rut, shall we?

By Rachel Varina

We all know that finding love (or at least something like it) is the reason so many folks are swiping on dating apps and going on Love Is Blind—well, besides to get IG followers, ofc. But what happens when you finally find someone and things start to get a little, ahem, ~stale~ in the bedroom? You want to learn how to spice up sex, but you also don’t want to risk the bond you’ve built by making things awk or making your partner feel like they’re not doing enough. Egos are fragile, people!

First things first, though: I want to assure you that this whole “wanting better sex” sitch is nothing to feel guilty about. In fact, Playground’s chief sexologist and doctor of human sexuality, Emily Morse, says it’s extremely common. “I’d go so far as to say every long-term relationship faces this someday,” she says. “People crave novelty. Maybe they’ve fallen into a rote sex script with their partner or are curious about trying a new sex act. Our brains are habituated to the same things over and over again. I mean, if you ate the same meal every day, wouldn’t you want variety?”

Morse stresses that not only is this all normal, but it’s healthy to acknowledge this longing and your evolving sexuality. Which, on the one hand, cool! But on the other…WTF are you supposed to do about it? According to psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist Lee Phillips, EdD, it begins with getting creative and curious about your partner. “Eroticism keeps a relationship alive and fun,” he explains, so at the very least, start brainstorming *what* would make you (or your partner) feel turned on. From there, it’s all about communication.

The good news is that you can absolutely ask for (and get!) better sex without feeling totally awkward (ugh) or making your partner feel bad (double ugh). Praise be, right? Below, sexperts explain how to talk about your desire to kick things up a notch, and then, we’re outlining the best ways to do it. From exploring common kinks to learning how to talk dirty (trust), read on for allllll the deets + plenty of ideas for spicing up sex.

First, Here’s How to Talk About the Whole “You Want Spicier Sex” Thing

Since this can be a sensitive chat, Morse says you’ll want to remember the Three Ts (timing, tone, and turf) when broaching the topic.

“For timing, pick a time when you’re calm and relaxed,” she explains. “For tone, keep it curious rather than accusatory (so avoid statements like ‘you never go down on me‘ or ‘you never plan dates.’ Use I-statements instead: ‘I get so turned on by the thought of you going down on me; do you think it’s something we could explore?’). And turf? Don’t have this talk inside the bedroom. It’s too charged. Pick a more neutral setting, like a walk outside.”

Remember: Take it slow! You don’t have to figure out everything right away. This can be an ongoing conversation! Once you’re on the same page, consider perusing the 20 ideas below to see what might strike your fancy and get the juices (sry!) flowing.

1. Take a Vaca

Sometimes the key to spicing things up involves an *actual* key…like, of the hotel room variety. “I love a hotel,” says Morse. “Luxurious, a little glamorous, and you don’t have to stress about things like dishes, laundry, or kids.” Not only can you wear fluffy robes and order room service, but vacation sex is easily one of the hottest kinds you can have.

Most of us can’t book a random trip whenever our sex life gets a lil stale (wouldn’t that be great, though?!). But Lee says you can still achieve novelty at home by simply moving to another part of the house. “The environment plays a significant role in sexual desire, so change it,” he explains. Take it to the kitchen, the living room couch, or the shower. “It’s all about what our brains are habituated to,” adds Morse. “A new environment means new sensory stimuli and new psychological inputs.”

3. Don’t Forget to Mix Up Your Positions

While you’re romping all around the house, Morse urges you to lean into the novelty of the situation. Different places = having to get creative with your sex positions. “That’s a good thing,” she says. “We want to shake up the sexual dynamic a little bit and intentionally be more adventurous. Let’s take the kitchen: Maybe you’ve never done standing sex before, but now, you have to! You might discover you feel super sexy doing this, and all you did was walk a few feet to the next room.”

>Before experimenting with acrobatics in the bedroom, ease into new positions by trying something different but not too far from your comfort zone. “Don’t be too ambitious and go from missionary to standing wheelbarrow,” notes Morse. “Rather, pick a position you don’t normally do together and see how you both feel. If you’re always doing doggy style, try lotus. If you’re always doing missionary, try spooning.”

4. Use Your Mouth

Obvi oral sex is great, and you should def consider incorporating that into your repertoire if it sounds good to you. But! It’s also important to use your mouth in other ways…like actually verbalizing what nasty, naughty new things you want to try. If you’re feeling tongue-tied at the idea of dirty talk, Morse suggests chatting about your turn-ons, what you like to do to each other, or hot memories of your past sexual encounters. If you still feel unsure, let someone else do the talking by turning on some audio porn and listening together.

5. Play a Sexy Game

The thought of talking about turn-ons might make your palms immediately sweaty, and if that’s the case, Morse suggests game-ifying the situation to make it a bit less nerve-wracking. There are many sex games out there—ranging from conversation cards to literal board games that can work as a playful and less anxiety-inducing way to start the “let’s change things up” convo. Plus, it’ll feel more organic than just randomly blurting out that you want to try pegging or something.

6. Discuss Your Kinks

Who knows? Maybe while you’re playing a sexy game, you’ll discover a new turn-on you didn’t even know you had. A lot of people (I dare to say most people) have some sort of kink or fetish, even if it’s undiscovered. Lee says this is a great topic to explore together, whether that means simply talking about a sexual fantasy you keep coming back to or whipping out the massage lotion and giving your partner’s little piggies a rub to scratch that foot fetish itch. What? Didn’t you include “in sickness, health, and kink” in your wedding vows?

7. Be Honest About Your Feelings

I know it might make you feel vulnerable AF, but one of the most important steps you can (and maybe even should!) take when looking to shake things up in the bedroom is to—you guessed it—actually talk to your partner about sex. “Sex is all communication,” says Lee. “It is essential to be honest about your thoughts and feelings surrounding sex.”

Consider your current relationship with your body, with your orgasm, and with your S.O. Then communicate all that to your partner. Feels like a lot, no? To help, here are a few of Lee’s fav prompts to get ya started:

  • Sometimes your touch feels…
  • I think I’m supposed to like everything we do sexually, but I genuinely love your touch when you…
  • I feel something special during sex when I…
  • I wish I would change the way I…
  • If I believed you enjoyed me more, I might…
  • If I could enjoy myself/you more, I might…
  • I’m concerned that you will/won’t tell me if you dislike something sexually, so I…
  • Sex is/isn’t fun for me because…
  • I sometimes pretend to have an orgasm so that…
  • I notice I feel turned on/off when…
  • What I like about myself sexually…

8. Play With (Then Swap) Power Dynamics

BDSM is a popular kink that involves exploring different power dynamics in a relationship. While consent is always number one (as well as discussing limits and utilizing safe words), if you’re both on board, there are quite a few different ways to dip your toe into the Dom/sub world.

>“One low-lift idea is blindfolding,” says Morse. “Easy, sexy, and it makes sex more exciting by taking away one of your senses. From there, you could try handcuffs or bed restraints and see how it feels to be tied down…or do the tying.”

And if your partner is usually the one to initiate/lead the scene (or vice versa), try being the one to take charge! There’s usually one more dominant and one more submissive partner during sex, but switching your default roles (whether you go full BDSM switch or not) can spark a whole new world of pleasure.

9. Incorporate a Bit of Taboo

Going hand-in-hand with BDSM is taboo sex, which is pretty much anything outside of your standard vanilla. “Think the urgency of car sex, the erotic nature of outdoor sex, etc.,” says Morse. After talking about your kinks, see if there are any overlapping taboos that interest you both. For example, if the idea of (consensual!) exhibitionism gets you going, try giving your partner a lap dance, letting them watch you strip down in the shower, or hitting up a sex party together.

10. Get Some Sex Toys

Honestly, having a drawer full of sex toys is something I absolutely wish for everyone, and if you haven’t yet incorporated a buzzing little addition to your sexcapades, consider this a direct order from the universe. Not only are they fun (they’re called “toys” for a reason), but according to Morse, some bodies, especially those with vaginas, find that sex toys are essential for reaching orgasm.

“Toys can help close the orgasm gap,” she explains. “Typically, people with penises orgasm much more frequently during sex than people with vulvas.” This means those of us with clits might not get there with good ol’ P-in-V sex.

That’s not to say sex is only fulfilling if it results in an orgasm, but if you want one (or want to experience stronger sensations), Lee adds that exploring different types of sex toys is a great solution. There are tonnnnns of options, from wand vibrators and clitoral suckers to the classic rabbit vibe. If you can’t decide what you want, Lee suggests going on a date to a sex shop to peruse the aisles, ask questions, and see what sparks your interest.

11. Try a Cock Ring

While you’re busy adding a bunch of sex toys to your cart, Morse urges you to check out cock rings if you or your partner have a penis. “Worn on the base of the shaft, these add an element of experimentation to the bedroom,” she explains. “They pull double duty by keeping the penis hard and vibrating on the clitoris or anal opening of the receiving partner.” So, not only can penis rings help support those with erectile dysfunction, but they lowkey make it easier for the receiving partner to orgasm as well. Win-win.

12. Try Different *Types* of Sex

Did you know “sex” isn’t actually synonymous with intercourse? “Sex is a mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional erotic connection shared between those involved,” sexologist Shamyra Howard previously told Cosmopolitan. “It’s not just about genitals and mouths.”

Of course, you can try different types such as oral sex, anal sex, and outercourse. But you can also experiment with virtual sex (so maybe hooking up over FaceTime/Zoom the next time your sweetie goes out of town) or phone sex (whether that’s sending sexy texts or whispering dirty things into the receiver of a landline all ‘90s like).

13. Use Lube. Lots and Lots of Lube.

Important PSA: “Lube makes almost every sex act feel better,” Morse says. “I always say the wetter, the better, and I mean it; the presence of lube helps everyone have an easier time orgasming, and when you feel that potential in your body, you feel sexier.”

We already discussed that there are different *types* of sex, and it turns out you can use lube with all of them! Yup! Lube with hand jobs! Lube with penetrative sex! Even lube with oral sex! (Wondering how TF to use lube when you’re already using your mouth during a blow job? Glad ya asked! “I’m thinking specifically about flavored lube, which turns oral into dessert,” Morse explains.)

Also, FWIW, make sure to select the best type of lubricant for the sex you’re having—typically, that means water-based lube if you’re using toys and silicone lube if you’re having anal or getting it on in the water (that’s bc silicone can damage other silicone over time due to the way its molecules react with each other. Yikes, right?). Morse suggests Playground’s personal lubricants since the line uses chemistry-enhancing adaptogens (like Ashwagandha, Black Cohosh, and Horny Goat Weed) to create a v long, v lasting, v pleasurable slippery feeling.

You know what’s sometimes even better than lube? Lube that doubles as an arousal gel. “If you’ve got a vulva, this will make your clitoris and surrounding areas feel tingly and help your genitals engorge, thus making you more orgasmic,” says Morse. Our faves, here:

15. Play With Different Senses

Even though touch might get the most attention during sex, the other four senses (taste, smell, sight, and sound) are worth devoting a little attention to. Feed each other strawberries (or other aphrodisiac foods, like oysters?). Use some scented massage oils and lubes. Whip out a blindfold to remove sight, or turn on the lights + face a mirror so you can enjoy the show. Cue up a bangin’ sex playlist and grind to the beat. You might not need to leave the room or your usual position to have wild, new, and exciting sex! It might just take some sexy food!

Another hot way to explore the senses is to get into temperature play…which is precisely what it sounds like. To give it a shot, try running an ice cube down your S.O.’s torso, exhaling your warm breath on your partner’s neck, or melting hot wax on each other’s backs (make sure to use a body-safe option if you’re gonna try wax play, because otherwise, ouch).

16. Try a Little Tantra

The notion of tantric sex might seem a little overwhelming or ~ wOo-WoO,~ but trust us, it centers around connection and creating a sexually charged atmosphere instead of just, like, boning with incense burning. You basically try to block out distractions (so turn off the TV!) and concentrate fully on worshiping and honoring your partner. Think: breathing together, using deep motions, and making eye contact.

You can also give your lover an erotic massage, Morse says, by using some warm oil, lube, or wax and rubbing it on their body with intention, starting at the heart chakra (middle of the back) and working your way out to different erogenous zones.

17. Get Physical

Even if you’re not a workout girlie, getting physical together outside the bedroom before doing it in the bedroom is the ultimate foreplay. “A tried and true arousal trick is to get your heart pumping together, so make your next date an active one,” Morse suggests. She suggests seeing how your body (and sex!) feels after you rock climb, do hot yoga, or go for a run. Plus? Seeing each other all sweaty is erotic as hell.

18. Touch Yourself…Together

Wanna change up how you’re touched? Lend your partner a hand. Literally. Mutual masturbation is an excellent way to build intimacy, Morse says, plus it can be a really fun (and safe!) way to feel pleasure together. “You get to see how your partner touches themselves, and it feels a little kinky…you’re watching them, they’re watching you.” (Bonus: It’s also awesome if it’s that time of the month and you don’t wanna have period sex, if you’re trying to avoid pregnancy, or if you’re unsure of your partner’s STI status.)

19. Consider a Threesome/Group Sex

Since you’ve likely been having sex with your partner for a while, why not have sex with someone else? I don’t mean cheating; I mean trying a threesome, group sex, a sex party, or considering (or simply fantasizing about) ethical non-monogamy. “Invite more people into the bedroom,” suggests Lee. “Couples have often wanted to try a threesome but are too afraid to bring it up. You can explore this with a healthy relationship built on trust and a great foundation.”

Obvi, this one will take a lot more conversation, compromise, and planning, but if it sounds attractive to both of you, consider researching a bit to see how you feel. Maybe the mere idea of it will have you feeling some kind of way.

20. Explore Role-Play

Ofc, jumping into the world of swinging or swapping isn’t exactly for everyone. If the idea of getting it on with someone new sounds exciting, but you don’t want to, like, do it, do it, Morse says to consider role-play. You could go all out playing different scenarios (like your favorite TV couple), or you could pretend to be strangers at a bar and “meet” for the first time.

Whatever you decide, get ready for the date like you would if you were single (so blast your hype music and pull out the good undies), arrive separately, and use your cheesiest pickup line to ~lure~ them in. “Everyone can spice up their sex life, which wards off resentment and encourages creativity and collaboration,” Morse says. Who knows? Your significant other—and your newfound sexual connection—might surprise you when you take on different roles for the night.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Secrets of Sex Over 40

— 8 Questions Answered

New AARP survey reveals how often older adults have sex, and lots more

By Robin L. Flanigan

Most older adults believe sex is an essential part of a healthy relationship, and more than half say their sex lives are as satisfying – or even better—than a decade ago.

In a new AARP Research survey released Sept. 29, people over 40 got frank about what goes on in their lives – or doesn’t – when it comes to intimacy and sex.
The survey “Ageless Desire: Relationships and Sex in Middle Age and Beyond” polled 2,500 people 40 and older about how perceptions, behaviors, attitudes and preferences about sexual experiences have changed over time. Three-quarters of survey respondents were over 50.

Among the findings:

  • 72 percent of men and 63 percent of women have a current regular sexual partner.
  • Less than half of those surveyed —46 percent—said they were satisfied with their current sex life.
  • Four out of 5 people said their relationships were physically pleasurable and emotionally satisfying.
  • Having sex with a stranger is the most common sexual fantasy for both men and women.

The report also found that over the past 20 years, the frequency of sex in this age group declined, but other types of sexual activity – like masturbation and oral sex – increased.

“Sex doesn’t get any less important as we age,” says Patty David, AARP vice president of consumer insights. “It continues to be a vital part of a good relationship, which shows that intimacy and physical connection are important to all ages.”

1. How often do people in middle age and older have sex?

Older adults still have plenty of sex. Thirty percent told AARP researchers that they have sex weekly, 27 percent said monthly or less, and 40 percent reported having no sex in the last six months. One in 6 adults over 70 reported having sex weekly.
When it comes to oral sex, the frequency is a bit less: 18 percent said they have oral sex weekly, 25 percent said monthly, and 54 percent said none in the past six months.

But not everyone thinks they’re having enough sex: 46 percent said they were having the right amount, and 45 percent said they weren’t having enough. Men were more likely than women to say they’re not having enough sex, and women were more likely to say they were having just the right amount.

Certified sex therapist and psychologist Stephanie Buehler says there are lots of ways to be sexual as an older adult and recommends people expand ideas about what it means to show affection in the bedroom.

“It’s about acceptance and adaptation,” says Buehler, author of Enliven Your Sex Life! “Stop worrying about what you can no longer do and explore to find out how you can still experience sexual pleasure at any age.”

2. Do men and women differ in their levels of sexual desire?

Overall, 55 percent of those surveyed said they considered their sexual desire about average, 15 percent said higher than average and 29 percent said lower than average.

But men were more likely than women to rate their level of sexual desire as higher than average. Women were more likely to rate their level of sexual desire as lower than average.

3. How frequently do older adults masturbate?

The survey found that 55 percent of people reported pleasuring themselves in the past six months. Among those who did masturbate, 61 percent did so within the past week. About one in 4 pleasure themselves weekly, but that number decreases as age rises: Only 11 percent of people age 70 and older reported masturbating in the previous week, compared with 40 percent of those ages 40-49.

“Masturbation is natural and shouldn’t produce feelings of guilt or embarrassment,” says Buehler, adding that it also can be helpful if your partner doesn’t want as much sexual activity as you do.

One in 3 people reported using a vibrator for personal enjoyment, though women were more likely to say they were using one compared with men, at 42 percent versus 18 percent. People who identified as nonheterosexual were also more likely to report using a vibrator for self-stimulation (66 percent compared with 28 percent of those identifying as heterosexual).

4. How common is infidelity after midlife?

Fourteen percent of people reported being unfaithful, according to the survey. Seventeen percent of men said they’d had a sexual relationship with someone other than their partner, compared with 11 percent of women.

The reasons? For both men and women, the novelty of sex with someone other than their partner was tops. Men were more likely than women to say they were interested in sexual activities that their partner wasn’t interested in. For women, the answers trended toward feeling unappreciated by their partner and having a higher sex drive than their partner.

A quarter of those surveyed also reported reasons for sex with someone besides their primary partners as consensual monogamy or polyamory.

While many respondents reported that infidelity or suspected infidelity had a negative impact on their relationships, few people chose to end them because of it – only 4 percent did.

After an affair, most relationships are strained but survive, Buehler says.

“Repairing takes a lot of difficult conversations,” Buehler says, “as the person who had the affair spends time reflecting and the hurt partner takes time to understand the reasoning and heal.”

5. Is erectile dysfunction increasing?

The number of men who say they have difficulty with sexual function is growing. Just 4 in 10 men said they are always able to get and keep an erection for intercourse, down from half of men in 2009, according to AARP researchers.

In fact, 28 percent of those men surveyed said they’ve been diagnosed with erectile dysfunction or impotence, up from 23 percent in 2009 and 17 percent in 2004. But many men are looking for help: 6 out of 10 men who said they had general sexual functioning problems reported that they sought treatment.

Only 12 percent of women reported problems related to sexual functioning and more than half of those said they didn’t seek treatment because they didn’t feel comfortable discussing the issue.

Health concerns, like diabetes, stress and high blood pressure can impact sexual functioning: 79 percent of those surveyed said they’d been diagnosed with a medical condition.

6. Do older adults typically have a regular sex partner?

The AARP survey found that two-thirds of people reported they had a regular sex partner. Younger respondents had the highest likelihood of reporting a regular sex partner, but even over age 70, a little more than half of people said they had someone they regularly engaged in sexual activity with.

7. Are sexual fantasies among older adults common?

The answer is a resounding yes: 83 percent of those surveyed said they had sexual thoughts, fantasies or erotic dreams.

While having sex with a stranger was the most common fantasy for both genders, men’s fantasies included having sex with more than one person at a time, while women were more likely to say that they fantasized about having sex with someone of the same sex or having sex in different locations.

But people are keeping their fantasies to themselves: Roughly two-thirds said they hadn’t discussed them with others.

8. What are the best ways to keep romance alive?

The pandemic has had an impact on how people view their relationships. The survey found that 41 percent of older adults want an increased connection with their significant other, and 70 percent said they believe quality time and strong connections are more important now than before COVID-19.

However, the survey found that 31 percent of those divorced or never married are apt to say, “Romance? What’s that?”

Here’s how couples say they are keeping the romance going, according to the survey:

  • 63 percent make a point of saying ‘I love you”
  • 57 percent celebrate special days like birthdays and anniversaries
  • 35 percent take a vacation or romantic trip annually
  • 32 percent set aside time to enjoy each other’s company
  • 30 percent buy each other gifts or flower

David, of AARP, notes that in many cases the impact of COVID-19 has been to highlight the importance of relationships with friends, family, spouses or romantic partners. “It has made our connections even stronger,” she said. “Couple this with the importance of spending time with each other to keep the romance in the relationship and you have a powerful recipe for contentment and happiness.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Scientists reveal the top sex positions most women orgasm in

— Take notes

By Ebony Leigh

With the orgasm gap between heterosexual men and women more akin to a chasm at this point, your best bet to reach climax is by sticking to the classics, a new study has found.

In a world where a hugely unrepresented number of women aren’t having orgasms through sex alone, scientists have crunched the data to find out exactly which positions are most likely to give vulva owners the big O.

Using 13 black-and-white diagrams that illustrated various intercourse manoeuvrers, researchers from the Czech National Institute of Mental Health quizzed more than 21,000 adults, including 11,225 women, on how they get off.

The results revealed four pole positions including man-on-top, woman-on-top, standing face-to-face and sitting face-to-face.

Sydney-based somatic sexologist Alice Child tells Body+Soul she’s “not at all surprised”.

“I think when it comes to sex positions, simple is best, rather than acrobatic positions, and some of those listed are classics – you know, missionary and woman on top – and they’re classics for a reason,” she says.

“They work for lots of different people’s bodies and you don’t over exhaust the muscles, which allows you to focus on what sex really is all about, which is connection, pleasure and being present with each other, rather than worrying about whether your leg muscles can survive another five minutes.”

Why are these positions so great?

What makes these four such explosive moves, according to the experts, is that they all tick three very important boxes.

The first is allowing for eye contact, which research shows increases mutual attraction and emotional closeness, which then encourages kissing, something plenty of us considers to be a crucial element of sex.

Then, with all this face-to-face action, you’ve got the fact that you can literally see your partner getting more and more aroused, which – in no surprise to anyone anywhere – can be a major turn-on.

But there’s one other thing that all of these positions have in common from a physical standpoint, added Child, and that’s easy access to the clitoris. AKA, the “gateway to female orgasm”.

“The vast majority of women need regular, consistent, pleasurable, external clitoral touch to be able to reach orgasm,” she explains.

“While studies differ, around 85 per cent of people with vulvas need some pressure or stimulation with a hand or vibrator on their clitoris to reach orgasm, and in a lot of these positions you can have pressure on the pubic bone.”

This brings us to the best move of all, the study proclaims, and that’s the woman on top.

Not only does this position allow women to control everything – such as speed, depth of insertion and rhythm – but through hip movements they can rub their pelvis against a man’s pubic bone, stimulating their clitoris.

It also leaves both partners hands-free, meaning you’re available to touch each other wherever you desire, or even bring some toys into the mix.  

For 34-year-old Leah, it’s the only position she can climax in.

“I love sex and trying out loads of positions because they do all feel really great, but I just can’t get there unless I’m on top,” she explains to Body+Soul.

“It’s like the key to orgasm for me.

“While I’m riding him, everything just feels like it’s being stimulated all at once and I’m the one in control, meaning I can move how it feels good for me. And then boom. It works nearly every single time.”

The mental mind game

Unfortunately, not everyone is in the same boat. The study reveals that one-third of women surveyed never climax during intercourse, no matter which position they’re in.

Tanya, 33, has been married for the last eight years and tells Body+Soul that she’s never been able to orgasm through sex.

“Usually we have sex, he will finish and then I will use my vibrator to make myself come,” she explains. “I can sometimes get there if I’m helping myself but I can’t remember the last time someone else made me come.”

She adds that changing positions during sex doesn’t make any difference.

“I definitely need a lot of clitoral stimulation to feel even close, but I just can’t do it through sex alone.

“It’s just such a mission for me to reach orgasm, like it’s definitely a mental thing and I have to be in the right mindset to actually get there. I have to be really focused on it and I can’t do that mid-sex.”

The pressure cycle

Miserably it’s this pressure of not being able to climax while doing it that creates even greater pressure and makes women even less likely to reach orgasm. 

“A lot of people who come to me haven’t talked openly about it before and so feel pretty isolated and pretty broken, like they’re not normal, and have a lot of shame,” Child explains. “But it’s important to know that it’s very common.”

“Women put a lot of pressure on themselves, and I have to say that one of the biggest blockers to being able to orgasm is putting more pressure on yourself. Pressure is never sexy.”

She also says that making an orgasm the goal of sex can also be your downfall.

“It robs you of being able to stay present and in the moment and enjoy the journey, not just the destination” Child says. “And that’s so much more important than choosing some magical position.”

Tanya adds that this pressure is especially unfair when “our sexual organs are completely different to a man’s”.

“It’s pretty crazy that as women we put this pressure on ourselves to be able to please a man in a certain way and be able to make him come in a certain timeframe when many guys just don’t really care about doing the same for a woman or just have no idea how to,” she says.

So how can I help myself orgasm?

Firstly, forget the study, Child says, and do what feels good for you.

“What’s more important is getting sex-positive education and resources around your own pleasure and asking yourself what’s important for orgasm and how you get out of your head and into your body.

“Certain positions may help you do that, but go for whatever position helps you personally to feel most relaxed and most connected, to feel more in your body.”

She also encourages self-pleasure and allows your body to move in a way that’s familiar to you.

“Be curious about what position you try when you’re on your own,” Child explains.

“If you find it really easy to orgasm when you’re on your belly but that’s not on the list, then ignore the list and try being on your belly during sex.

“That way you can build pleasure and arousal on your own and then it will be a lot easier during sex than trying a completely brand new position.”

Variety is also the spice of life, even when it comes to masturbation.

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“If you want to learn how to orgasm in lots of different and fun positions and you struggle to do that, then add variety to your own self-pleasure practices to teach your body what it feels like to be on your back or what it feels like to be standing up or what it feels like to be sitting,” Child says.

At the end of the day, it’s like teaching your body a new skill, and it’s best to practice without all the distractions that come during sex, like being worried about what you look like or what you smell like or how your partner’s feeling.

“Using self-care as the practice ground when there are fewer breaks can help you to reconnect to your body,” Child says, “which is really, really helpful.”

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