Tag: Sexual Misinformation

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These Christian leaders embraced sex positivity

— and now preach it

In recent years, social media has allowed these views to become more widespread

By Suzannah Weiss

Jo Neufeld, a 40-year-old living in Manitoba, Canada, used to feel that she was sex positive despite being Christian. Then, about 10 years ago, she started following Twitter accounts like those of Kevin Garcia, a gay pastor based in Atlanta, and other Christians who talked openly about sex.

Neufeld said the accounts introduced her to “ideas around God wanting pleasure for us” and helped her to reconcile her Christianity with her sex positivity: “I’ve found examples of people living out holy sexuality. And for me, that has been about slowly embracing that I was created for sexual flourishing.”

Traditionally, most Christian leaders have accepted the teaching that sex should occur only in marriage. That has come with a great deal of stigma about sex outside of marriage, leaving Christians — women and LGBTQ people especially — often feeling forced to choose between following their religion and embracing their sexuality.

In recent years, that has borne out in mainstream politics, with conservative Christian groups backing abortion restrictions and the prohibition of discussion of gender and sexuality in schools.

But in some corners of the Internet, church leaders and other public figures are merging Christianity and sex positivity — that is, the belief that all forms of sexual expression between consenting adults are permissible and should be destigmatized.

That follows a general cultural trend: Over the past two decades, Americans have become increasingly accepting of sex outside marriage, LGBTQ relationships and more, according to Gallup.

Thanks in part to the ubiquity of these views on social media, some Christians say they are coming to view a healthy relationship with one’s sexuality as spiritually beneficial and even in line with the Bible.

In 2020, the Pew Research Center found that half of U.S. Christians consider casual sex — defined in the survey as sex between consenting adults who are not in a committed romantic relationship — acceptable at least some of the time.

And in a survey that year of 133 Christian college students across the United States, Aditi Paul, an assistant professor of communication studies at Pace University, found that 80 percent of Christian students masturbate, 68 percent watch pornography and 60 percent have had between one and six casual hookup partners.

The majority of students agreed that casual sex is acceptable; one-night standards are enjoyable; and an individual does not need to be committed to someone to have sex with the person, Paul’s survey found.

Xaya Lovelle, 28, a sex worker in New Orleans, said she had always felt at odds with the sexual mores she had learned in the Roman Catholic Church. But she didn’t feel validated in that perspective, she said, until as a 17-year-old she read “The Purity Myth” by the feminist writer Jessica Valenti. The book argues that American society’s obsession with virginity hurts young women.

Two years later, she started web-camming (which involved live broadcasts and private shows), because she found that “sex wasn’t incompatible with Jesus’ teachings,” she said. Since then, Lovelle added, other Christians, including the nonbinary Catholic mystic sex worker William October, have affirmed her belief that “sex positivity is largely about acceptance of other people and withholding judgment, which reflects Jesus’ actions.”

Alexa Davis, 23, a blogger in Illinois, was raised in a nondenominational church that taught that sex was only for marriage. But she started questioning this dogma in her teens as she came across sex-positive ideas online, from secular figures including video-blogger Laci Green and from religious leaders including the Philadelphia-based Rev. Beverly Dale.

“It felt reassuring to see that confirmation from a practicing minister that sex is meant to be positive,” she recalls of reading an article about Dale, who created the YouTube series “Sex Is Good.”

Dale grew up on a farm in Illinois in the 1950s and attended the Christian Church. Her family didn’t discuss sex at all, making it seem forbidden and shameful, she said. The role of women in her community, she remembers, was “to take care of and teach children and work in potluck oversight in the church.”

“It was the women’s movement that taught me it was okay to be a female and it was perfectly fine to be a sexual female at that,” Dale added. “Once I realized this, I turned to my Christian teachings and the church with a lot of anger.”

Christianity in the United States stems largely from a Puritan tradition that sees the desires of the flesh as contrary to those of the spirit. It wasn’t until the 1970s that women began entering seminaries in larger numbers and publishing writing that critiqued mainstream Christian views of sex, influenced by second-wave feminism. In the 1980s, Dale attended the Chicago Theological Seminary, where she got to read these works, she said, which helped her contextualize her “sex-phobic” upbringing.

“The reason I began to heal was because of feminist theologians,” she added. “If I had stayed with such negative thinking about myself as a woman and denied my own sexuality, I’m convinced I would have died — if not physically, then certainly spiritually.”

New Orleans-based minister Lyvonne Briggs, who shares her sex-positive beliefs on Instagram and hosts the spiritual online learning community Sensual Faith Academy, was raised similarly; she attended a Caribbean Episcopal church, which didn’t talk about sex, and was indoctrinated into purity culture in college, she said. She began to shift her perspective while getting a master of divinity degree at Yale Divinity School. There, Briggs said, she came to understand Jesus as a radical figure, one different from the version of Jesus she had learned about in church growing up.

>On examining the Bible, Briggs said, she found that Jesus had little to say about sex. “What we were told Jesus said are actually gross misinterpretations of the Bible,” she said. “We have to be honest about who wrote the Bible, who’s been translating the Bible, and who it serves us to believe Jesus condemned.”

Dale believes that Jesus uplifted and associated with women in ways that were progressive in his time. “U.S. Christians … have been teaching ideas about sex from sexually conflicted, misogynistic church fathers instead of Jesus,” she said. “If Jesus were their guide, Christians would discount the pleasure police in the church as party poopers.”

Rather than coming from the Bible, Dale said, many sex-negative Christian ideas came from writers born after Jesus’ time, such as Saint Augustine and Saint Jerome. It was Augustine, for instance, she said, who developed the concept of “original sin” — sin passed to a child by sex itself.

Dale and Briggs advocate for interpretations of the Bible that celebrate sexual pleasure. In the biblical book the Song of Solomon, for instance, a female narrator speaks of a lover in erotic terms.

“These lovers are not mentioned as being married; they’re not in the same household,” said Joy Bostic, an associate professor of religious and Africana studies at Case Western Reserve University. “This text, which is an official part of the Bible, echoes medieval mystics, who talk a great deal about spiritual ecstasy as akin to sexual ecstasy.”

As more Christians are being exposed to alternative readings and less-talked-about parts of the Bible, some are denouncing the directives to wait until marriage to have sex or to condemn forms of sexual expression such as LGBTQ relationships and sex work.

Others take pieces of Christian thinking without subscribing to them fully: In her study, Pace University’s Paul found that many students had adopted modified versions of traditional Christian rules, such as not having sex with someone unless intending to marry that person, avoiding in-person sex but still sexting partners, or engaging in hookups but refraining from intercourse. She also found that increasing numbers of students are identifying as both Christian and LGBTQ.

Roya King, a retired Unitarian Universalist bishop in Ohio, was already working in ministry when she started identifying as queer in 2009. When other leaders in her church spoke against same-sex marriage, she recalls, “the idea that I could perform a wedding ceremony but could never participate in one kind of shook me at the core.”

She made a point thereafter to speak to her congregation about LGBTQ rights, she said: “I talked about all people being in the image of God.” And she preached that everything God creates, including sexuality, is holy and should be celebrated, she said.

Other Christians say their sex positivity stems simply from what Jesus deemed the most important commandments: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind,” and “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

“If what I am doing leaves me aligned with these three commands [love God, love yourself and love others], I can rest easy knowing I’m living in the fullness of this life God has given me,” said Chris Chism, a pastor at the House Dallas church who identifies as gay.

To this end, he added, “it’s the job of our spiritual leaders to facilitate safe conversation — free of condemnation and shame.” Those negative reactions, he added, “are the conduits to unhealthy relationships, unsafe sex practices and even hardcore drug use that has ravaged our communities.”

For King, the most important thing is spreading the word that Jesus provides salvation for the entire world, not just for certain people who live a certain way.

“We have ostracized so many people because of who they are, who they really are,” she said. “We need to preach a gospel of inclusion and love. We can’t get where we need to be without it.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The persistent myth of sex addiction

Either we’re all sex addicts or nobody is

By Hallie Lieberman

According to every online test I’ve taken, I’m a sex addict. And if you took the quizzes, you probably would be too, at least if you answered honestly to questions like “Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts?” “Do you ever feel bad about your sexual behavior?” and “Have you used the internet to make romantic or erotic connections with people online?”

Even if you answered “no” to all these questions, you’re still not off the hook. If you watch porn, you might be a sex addict; If you “often require the use of a vibrator… to enhance the sexual experience” you might be a sex addict; if you spend some of your time “ruminating about past sexual encounters,” you might be a sex addict.

By these standards, nearly all human beings are sex addicts, as a recent study found that 73 percent of women and 85 percent of men had looked at internet porn in the past six months; other studies found that about half of American men and women have used vibrators. Perhaps that is right: sex is one of our strongest drives, and according to one study, the median number of times people think about sex is 10-19 times a day. But pathologizing all of humanity for expressing normal human sexuality is ridiculous in the least and dangerous at the worst. The fact that most people would be considered sex addicts is positive for only one group of people: those employed by the multimillion-dollar sex addiction industry.

Sex addiction treatment forces people into a kind of re-education program, which tries to convince them that perfectly normal consensual sexual behavior is the sign of a serious problem. Some of them are run by Christian pastors, others by licensed professional counselors. In-patient facilities are often located in picturesque areas, like palatial Arizona desert retreats, complete with poolside ping-pong and equine therapy (how nuzzling a horse cures sex addiction is never explained). These programs tell supposed sex addicts that they can reprogram themselves through behavioral modifications to become ideal sexual citizens: monogamous, non-porn-using people who rarely masturbate or fantasize about anyone other than their main partners. Some even take it further and force people to abandon healthy activities like masturbation for 30 days.

If this sounds familiar in a bad way, it might be because some of the same centers that treat sex addiction also offer gay conversion therapy, although they no longer call it that because conversion therapy has been banned for minors in 19 states (instead they say they treat “unwanted same-sex attraction” and “homosexuality/lesbianism“). This sad fact further illuminates the ugly truth behind the sex addiction industry: it’s based on a moralistic judgment on what sexual behaviors are socially acceptable, yet it’s cloaked in a scientific sheen that gives it legitimacy. Although gay conversion therapy is much more harmful, sex addiction treatment is similar in that both are about modifying behavior even though biology and psychology are compelling a person in a different direction.

One key question that appears on nearly all sex addiction quizzes is: “Do you feel that your sexual behavior is not normal?” The problem is, most people don’t know what a “normal” sex life is, and consensual sexual behaviors that are statistically abnormal are not the sign of a disease. As psychologist David Ley has argued in his book, The Myth of Sex Addiction, the criteria for sex addiction “reflect heterosexual and monogamous social values and judgments rather than medical or scientific data.”

Sex addiction isn’t a new concept, it’s a new name for an old one; it falls into a continuum of pathologizing sexual behavior going back to the 19th century when women were labeled nymphomaniacs for behavior we would consider normal today, such as having orgasms through clitoral stimulation. In fact, 21st-century sex addiction therapists sound nearly identical to 19th-century vice reformers.

“Pornography coupled with masturbation and fantasy is often the cornerstone for sexual addiction. This is a dangerous combination …A fantasy world is created, sometimes as early as adolescence, that is visited throughout developmental stages,” says the website of a current therapy center called L.I.F.E. Recovery International. “The sexual addict may use his or her addiction in place of true spirituality — sex becomes the addict’s God,” the website declares.

Similarly, 19th-century vice reformer Anthony Comstock wrote that “Obscene publications” and “immoral articles” [sex toys] are “like a cancer” which “fastens itself upon the imagination…defiling the mind, corrupting the thoughts, leading to secret practices of most foul and revolting character.” He suggested that young adults read the Bible instead of giving into their sexual urges.

Why do we continue to further such an outdated view of sex? Sex addiction is a way to police sexual behavior and impose conventional morality through a seemingly scientific, trendy addiction model. It attempts to slot people into some mythical standard of normal sexuality, one defined by monogamy and devoid of fantasy.

The sex addiction industry persists in spite of the fact that again and again sex addiction has been debunked by experts. Sex addiction isn’t considered legitimate by psychologists; the scientific literature doesn’t back it up; and it isn’t in the DSM-5, the authoritative catalog of mental disorders published by the American Psychiatric Association. Yet therapists benefit financially from sex addiction diagnoses, moralists benefit spiritually from them, and supposed sex addicts benefit practically from them. Sex addiction provides a great excuse for people who engage in socially objectionable sexual behavior (It’s not my fault! I couldn’t help banging the sexy neighbor! I’m an addict! I’ll go to treatment!).

This coincides with the fact that most sex addicts are heterosexual men, so the diagnosis frequently becomes a way to legitimize male sexual behavior, while also sometimes labeling their female partners as enablers. Convicted rapist Harvey Weinstein reportedly checked himself in to an in-patient treatment program after allegations against him were first published in late 2017, a path that many other high-profile men have taken in the wake of scandal.

The concept of sex addiction makes sex seem way more logical than it actually is. It fits into our culture’s view of controlling and constraining sex through rules, like the criminalization of sex work. Hiring a sex worker or engaging in any illegal sexual activities is a sign you’re a sex addict, according to most sex addiction screening tests. Yet, a wide range of more widely accepted sexual behavior is also illegal in the U.S., including having sex with an unmarried person of the opposite sex (a crime in Idaho, Illinois, and South Carolina) and adultery, which is a crime in over a dozen states.

But sex is messy and complicated, and hardwired and controlled by hormones, and no amount of counseling is going to stop you from having sexual urges. The sex addiction model provides a 12-step solution to the messiness of sex and the challenge of monogamy: if you follow these simple steps, the thinking goes, you too can be in control of the strongest biological urge and be free of daily horniness. If only it were that simple.

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Medical Myths: Sexual health

Sexual health is associated with a wide range of myths and misunderstandings. In this episode of Medical Myths, we will address nine common misconceptions. Among others, we cover double condoms, toilet seats, and the “pull-out” method.

by Tim Newman

Sexually transmitted infections (STIs) have been on the rise in the United States. In April 2021, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC)Trusted Source announced that, in 2019, STIs had reached an all-time high for the sixth consecutive year.

In 2019, the CDC received reports of over 2.5 million cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis.

The World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that 1 millionTrusted Source STIs are acquired worldwide each day.

Despite rising rates, there is still significant stigma attached to STIs. For some, this might mean individuals are less willing to speak about sexual health concerns or raise questions with a doctor.

This unwillingness to speak openly about sexual health can breed misinformation.

Of course, the internet is a convenient first port of call when someone has a question they would like to ask anonymously. Sadly, not all information that appears on the web can be trusted.

Here, Medical News Today approached some common myths associated with sexual health and asked for input from an expert:

Dr. Sue Mann, a consultant in sexual and reproductive health and a medical expert in reproductive health at Public Health England.

Increasing understanding of sexual health helps people make informed, safe decisions. Although one article cannot brush away deeply ingrained falsehoods, the more trustworthy information that is available, the better.

1. When someone is taking ‘the pill,’ they cannot contract an STI

This is a myth. Oral contraception cannot protect against contracting an STI.

As Dr. Mann explained to MNT, “oral contraception […] only works to prevent pregnancy. The only way to protect yourself from getting an STI when using oral contraception is by wearing a condom.”

Mirroring this, the CDC statesTrusted Source: “Birth control methods like the pill, patch, ring, and intrauterine device (IUD) are very effective at preventing pregnancy, but they do not protect against [STIs] and HIV.”

2. The ‘withdrawal method’ prevents pregnancy

The so-called withdrawal method, also called coitus interruptus or the pull-out method, is when the penis is pulled out of the vagina before ejaculation. Although it may reduce the chance of pregnancy, “the withdrawal method is not a reliable way to prevent pregnancy,” said Dr. Mann.

When used accurately, it can reduce the risk of pregnancy, but accuracy can be difficult in the heat of the moment.

Additionally, the penis releases pre-ejaculate, or pre-cum, before ejaculation. In some cases, sperm can be present in this fluid.

In one studyTrusted Source, for instance, scientists examined samples of pre-ejaculate from 27 participants. The scientists identified viable sperm in 10 of the participant’s pre-ejaculate.

Each volunteer provided a maximum of five samples. Interestingly, the researchers found sperm in either all or none of their samples. In other words, some people tend to have sperm in their pre-ejaculate, while others do not. The authors concluded:

“[C]ondoms should continue to be used from the first moment of genital contact, although it may be that some men, less likely to leak spermatozoa in their pre-ejaculatory fluid, are able to practice coitus interruptus more successfully than others.”

3. The ‘withdrawal method’ prevents STIs

Using the withdrawal method, “you can still get an STI, such as HIV, herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, or chlamydia,” explained Dr. Mann.

4. Using two condoms doubles the protection

It is understandable why people might assume two condoms would provide twice the protection, but this is a myth.

“It is actually more risky to use two or more condoms when having sex,” said Dr. Mann. “The likelihood of the condom breaking is higher due to the amount of friction the condom is enduring. A single condom is the best option.”

5. You can contract STIs from a toilet seat

This is perhaps one of the most persistent myths associated with STIs. Yet, despite being repeatedly debunked, it remains a myth. Dr. Mann told MNT:

“STIs are spread through unprotected vaginal, anal, or oral sex, and by genital contact and sharing sex toys.”

She also explained that the viruses that cause “STIs cannot survive for long outside the human body, so they generally die quickly on surfaces like toilet seats.”

Similarly, the bacteria responsible for STIs, such as chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis, cannot survive outside the body’s mucous membranes for a significant amount of time. For that reason, they would not survive on a toilet seat.

6. There are no treatments for STIs

This is not true. However, although they can be treated, not all can be cured. The WHOTrusted Source explains that eight pathogens make up the vast majority of STIs.

Four of the eight are curable: the bacterial infections syphilis, gonorrhea, and chlamydia, and the parasitic infection trichomoniasis.

The remaining four are viral: hepatitis B, herpes simplex virus (HSV), HIV, and human papillomavirus (HPV). These cannot yet be cured. However, it is worth noting that HPV infections are often clearedTrusted Source by the body naturally.

“Penetrative sex isn’t the only way someone can contract an STI. Oral sex, genital contact, and sharing sex toys are other ways that STIs can be spread,” Dr. Mann told MNT.

Beyond sexual contact, it is also possible to contract an STI from exposure to blood that contains the infectious pathogen, including through sharing needles.

This is another longstanding and entirely incorrect assumption. According to Dr. Mann:

“Anyone, regardless of sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, age, or gender, can contract HIV. If you have HIV and don’t know it, you’re more likely to pass it on. But if you know your status, you can make sure you and your partner(s) are taking steps to stay healthy.”

Dr. Mann underscores the importance of testingTrusted Source, explaining that in many countries, “testing is free, easy, and confidential. You can even do a test in the comfort of your own home.”

“A lot of people pass on STIs to others without even knowing,” said Dr. Mann. “STIs can be spread with symptoms or without.”

Indeed, the WHO explainsTrusted Source that “[t]he majority of STIs have no symptoms or only mild symptoms that may not be recognized as an STI.”

“That is why,” Dr. Mann explained, “it is important to be tested regularly and to use a condom to prevent STIs as much as possible.”

To summarize, STIs are common but preventable. Regular testing and understanding how to keep yourself safe are key to remaining STI-free.

After completing a bachelor’s degree in neuroscience at the U.K.’s University of Manchester, Tim changed course entirely to work in sales, marketing, and analysis. Realizing that his heart truly lies with science and writing, he changed course once more and joined the Medical News Today team as a News Writer. Now Senior Editor for news, Tim leads a team of top notch writers and editors, who report on the latest medical research from peer reviewed journals; he also pens a few articles himself. When he gets the chance, he enjoys listening to the heaviest metal, watching the birds in his garden, thinking about dinosaurs, and wrestling with his children.

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6 sexual health myths busted

Wherever you find a taboo topic, misinformation, misconceptions, and myths are sure to follow—and that’s especially the case when it comes to sex.

By Alistair Gardiner

When it comes to sex, myths abound. Which ones have you fallen for?

With so many fallacies in circulation, it’s not surprising that many people hold false beliefs. Here are six myths about libido, genitalia, sexual dysfunction, and more, along with evidence from health experts to separate the facts from fiction.

Myth #1: STIs always cause symptoms

Sexually transmitted infections (STIs)—also called sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)—can present with various symptoms depending on which bacteria, viruses, or parasites are causing them. Spread from person to person through bodily fluids like blood, semen, and vaginal discharge, symptoms can include sores or bumps, painful urination, unusual discharge from the genitals, pain during sex, rashes, abnormal bleeding, among others.

However, according to the Mayo Clinic, symptoms of an STI may take years to appear—and in some instances, may not materialize at all. That’s the case with chlamydia.

“In fact, many people have absolutely no symptoms, for example, with chlamydia,” said OB-GYN Alyssa Dweck, MD, in an interview with The Zoe Report. “This is why we test all [people with vaginas] routinely during an annual exam so treatment can be offered even for those with no symptoms.” Testing is especially important for those engaging in sexual activity or having sex with a new partner.

According to CDC data, one in five people in the United States has an STD. Click here to learn more about this epidemic, at MDLinx.

Myth #2: Women have a lower sex drive than men

Popular culture and societal norms often leave us with the impression that all men are sex-obsessed and will jump at any opportunity for coitus, while women are more reserved and far less interested in sex. This is a sexist myth, according to sex researcher Justin R. Garcia, PhD, executive director of the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University.

In an interview with Insider, Garcia cited research that found libido is experienced at similar levels among people regardless of their gender when it comes to arousal, motivation, and frequency of sexual desire. Gender norms and inaccurate methods used in research are to blame for common (and false) assumptions about gender differences and libido.

While women’s sex drive can be influenced by factors like pregnancy, breastfeeding, and menopause, none of this means that women inherently have a lower sex drive than men. Other factors that affect sex drive are non-gender specific, including age, levels of physical activity, stress and mental health, diet, quality and quantity of sleep, weight, illness, and others. Libido can also depend on setting stimuli and the person or people you’re with.

Myth #3: Douching is a good way to clean your vagina

This is an old myth—and, in fact, douching may cause the opposite of the intended effect.

Vaginas are “self-cleaning,” according to the Mayo Clinic, and do not require any cleaning outside of normal bathing. In fact, douching can throw off the natural balance of your vagina and increase your risk of infections like bacterial vaginosis, a type of vaginal inflammation resulting from an overgrowth of anaerobic bacteria which are naturally present in the vagina.

In the aforementioned interview with The Zoe Report, Dr. Dweck said that douching typically does more harm than good, adding that “there’s no benefit in putting anything in there for the purpose of cleaning it.”

Myth #4: Too much sex will stretch out your vagina

According to Dr. Dweck, the idea that frequent sex or even childbirth will cause your vagina to permanently stretch out is inaccurate. While giving birth will result in changes to your vagina, this part of your body has a lot of elasticity and it will return to its original state after a period of recovery. “The vagina is an incredible structure and is quite forgiving after childbirth and sex,” said Dr. Dweck.

While you may lose some tone in your pelvic floor muscles after giving birth, this isn’t necessarily permanent either. Pelvic floor physical therapy will help strengthen both these and the levator ani muscles, according to OB-GYN Jenn Conti, MD. All of that said, aging and hormonal changes can eventually influence the elasticity and tone of the vagina.

“These muscles often take a hit with pregnancy and giving birth, and benefit from pelvic floor physical therapy work,” said Dr. Conti. “But the idea that the vagina actually stretches out is false.”

Myth #5: Sexual dysfunction is just a hormonal problem

Sexual dysfunction affects an estimated 43% of women and 31% of men, according to the Cleveland Clinic, with symptoms like difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection and absent or delayed ejaculation in men, and inadequate vaginal lubrication and an inability to achieve orgasm in women. While a common assumption is that these conditions are exclusively caused by an imbalance of hormones like testosterone and estrogen, sexual dysfunction can also be the result of a wide range of physical and medical conditions.

These include diabetes, heart disease, various neurological disorders, and alcohol and drug abuse or misuse. Sexual dysfunction can also be the result of stress, anxiety, relationship problems, past trauma, and concerns over body image or sexual performance. Numerous medications can cause sexual dysfunction as a side effect, including antidepressants, blood pressure medications, diuretics, and some over-the-counter antihistamines and decongestants. And then there’s the question of ubiquitous sex supplements on the market, which lack monitoring.

Interestingly, marijuana appears to play a role in sexual function, with the cannabinoid receptor mapped to several brain areas involved in sexual function, according to studies

Myth #6: Condoms are fool-proof

While using condoms is one of the best ways to prevent STIs and pregnancy, they are not 100% effective or even 99% effective. According to the CDC, the male condom has a failure rate of roughly 13%, while female condoms have a failure rate of 21%.

Hormone-based female contraceptives have a far higher success rate in preventing pregnancy, but they provide no protection from STIs. Combined oral contraceptives (also known as “the pill”), which contain estrogen and progestin, have a typical failure rate of 7%. Similarly, the birth control patch and the vaginal contraceptive ring (both of which release the hormones progestin and estrogen), have a failure rate of just 7%.

Contraceptive methods that are the most effective at preventing pregnancy include intrauterine devices (known as “the coil”), which have a failure rate of between 0.1%-0.8%, and the implant, which has a typical failure rate of 0.1%. Again, these methods will not prevent you from contracting an STI.

On the other hand, all of the methods above are more effective at preventing pregnancy than “fertility awareness-based methods,” which involve tracking the days of your menstrual cycle during which you are least likely to get pregnant. According to the CDC, these methods have a typical failure rate of up to 23%.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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You don’t have a male or female brain

– the more brains scientists study, the weaker the evidence for sex differences

Brain sex isn’t a thing.

By

Everyone knows the difference between male and female brains. One is chatty and a little nervous, but never forgets and takes good care of others. The other is calmer, albeit more impulsive, but can tune out gossip to get the job done.

These are stereotypes, of course, but they hold surprising sway over the way actual brain science is designed and interpreted. Since the dawn of MRI, neuroscientists have worked ceaselessly to find differences between men’s and women’s brains. This research attracts lots of attention because it’s just so easy to try to link any particular brain finding to some gender difference in behavior.

But as a neuroscientist long experienced in the field, I recently completed a painstaking analysis of 30 years of research on human brain sex differences. And what I found, with the help of excellent collaborators, is that virtually none of these claims has proven reliable.

Except for the simple difference in size, there are no meaningful differences between men’s and women’s brain structure or activity that hold up across diverse populations. Nor do any of the alleged brain differences actually explain the familiar but modest differences in personality and abilities between men and women.

More alike than not

My colleagues and I titled our study “Dump the Dimorphism” to debunk the idea that human brains are “sexually dimorphic.” That’s a very science-y term biologists use to describe a structure that comes in two distinct forms in males and females, such as antlers on deer or the genitalia of men and women.

A pair of wild zebra finches (Taeniopygia guttata) perch in South Australia. The male is in the foreground, the female behind.

When it comes to the brain, some animals do indeed exhibit sexual dimorphism, such as certain birds whose brains contain a song-control nucleus that is six times larger in males and is responsible for male-only courtship singing. But as we demonstrate in our exhaustive survey, nothing in human brains comes remotely close to this.

Yes, men’s overall brain size is about 11% bigger than women’s, but unlike some songbirds, no specific brain areas are disproportionately larger in men or women. Brain size is proportional to body size, and the brain difference between sexes is actually smaller than other internal organs, such as the heart, lungs and kidneys, which range from 17% to 25% larger in men.

When overall size is properly controlled, no individual brain region varies by more than about 1% between men and women, and even these tiny differences are not found consistently across geographically or ethnically diverse populations.

Other highly touted brain sex differences are also a product of size, not sex. These include the ratio of gray matter to white matter and the ratio of connections between, versus within, the two hemispheres of the brain. Both of these ratios are larger in people with smaller brains, whether male or female.

What’s more, recent research has utterly rejected the idea that the tiny difference in connectivity between left and right hemispheres actually explains any behavioral difference between men and women.

A zombie concept

Still, “sexual dimorphism” won’t die. It’s a zombie concept, with the latest revival using artificial intelligence to predict whether a given brain scan comes from a man or woman.

Computers can do this with 80% to 90% accuracy except, once again, this accuracy falls to 60% (or not much better than a coin flip) when you properly control for head size. More troublesome is that these algorithms don’t translate across populations, such as European versus Chinese. Such inconsistency shows there are no universal features that discriminate male and female brains in humans – unlike those deer antlers.

Human brain structure is the same in males and females.

Neuroscientists have long held out hope that bigger studies and better methods would finally uncover the “real” or species-wide sex differences in the brain. But the truth is, as studies have gotten bigger, the sex effects have gotten smaller.

This collapse is a telltale sign of a problem known as publication bias. Small, early studies which found a significant sex difference were likelier to get published than research finding no male-female brain difference.

Software versus hardware

We must be doing something right, because our challenge to the dogma of brain sex has received pushback from both ends of the academic spectrum. Some have labeled us as science “deniers” and deride us for political correctness. On the other extreme, we are dismissed by women’s health advocates, who believe research has overlooked women’s brains – and that neuroscientists should intensify our search for sex differences to better treat female-dominant disorders, such as depression and Alzheimer’s disease.

But there’s no denying the decades of actual data, which show that brain sex differences are tiny and swamped by the much greater variance in individuals’ brain measures across the population. And the same is true for most behavioral measures.

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About a decade ago, teachers were urged to separate boys and girls for math and English classes based on the sexes’ alleged learning differences. Fortunately, many refused, arguing the range of ability is always much greater among boys or among girls than between each gender as a group.

In other words, sex is a very imprecise indicator of what kind of brain a person will have. Another way to think about it is every individual brain is a mosaic of circuits that control the many dimensions of masculinity and femininity, such as emotional expressiveness, interpersonal style, verbal and analytic reasoning, sexuality and gender identity itself.

Or, to use a computer analogy, gendered behavior comes from running different software on the same basic hardware.

The absence of binary brain sex features also resonates with the increasing numbers of people who identify as nonbinary, queer, nonconforming or transgender. Whatever influence biological sex exerts directly on human brain circuitry is clearly not sufficient to explain the multidimensional behaviors we lump under the complex phenomenon of gender.

Rather than “dimorphic,” the human brain is a sexually monomorphic organ – much more like the heart, kidneys and lungs. As you may have noticed, these can be transplanted between women and men with great success.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why It’s Just a Myth That Longer Sex Equals Better Sex

By Mary Grace Garis

Sexual stamina is something that’s long been held in high regard—after all, nobody writes R&B songs about making love for the duration of the Parks and Recreation theme song. With that in mind, the goal of sex is, apparently, doing it all night long. But for many vulva-owners, the constant in-out, in-out of vaginally penetrative sex can be tedious or even painful. So, how long should sex be, ideally?

The short answer is that according to sexperts, it depends. “The exact length of sex play is really up to you,” says Donna Oriowo, PhD, a sex therapist in SimplePractice‘s network. “Are you going for a quickie, or are you in for a long, passion-filled night? Depending on which way you’re going, how much time you take [to climax] will vary. Be sure to be present in your body—it will tell you when you’ve had enough.”

If you do want to put a time parameter on how long should sex be, though, you could go by how long it takes to climax during P-in-V sex, in particular. While data varies and is hugely personal, a main directive is to keep the orgasm gap in mind.

A 2020 study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that it takes 14 minutes for vulva-owners in relationships (which, for the purposes of this study were heterosexual and partnered relationships) to orgasm during penetrative sex, which included additional maneuvers and positions. Compare this to the average time it takes for penis-owners to ejaculate, which research has noted to be on average between five and seven minutes, and it’s clear that folks who have different anatomy have different needs for how long sex should be.

That said, for a vulva-owner, penetration alone is rarely what leads to orgasm, so penetrative sex doesn’t necessarily mean better sex. In fact, it can often mean the exact opposite—especially if you’re unprepared.

“When you’re not prepared for an ‘all-nighter,’ that’s when you can really cause the vagina some real pain, agitating micro tears, which then causes the vagina to need some days of recovery time.” —sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, sexologist

“[Even though the] vagina is incredibly durable, it’s important to know that if you want to go ‘all night long,’ you have the lube to take you through it,” says Marla Renee Stewart, sexologist for adult-wellness brand and retailer Lovers. “When you’re not prepared for an ‘all-nighter,’ that’s when you can really cause the vagina some real pain, agitating micro tears, which then causes the vagina to need some days of recovery time.”

But what about the other side of things? Is it possible to have sex that’s way too short? Well, if a person involved suffers from premature ejaculation—which is characterized by reaching climax in a minute or less after stimulation or penetration—length of time for sex does matter.

“Duration is important when it becomes a problem—when the desired duration is not achieved due to an involuntary lack of ejaculatory control,” says Patricia López Trabajo, founder CEO of Myhixel, an ejaculation-control device. “This can lead to frustration, insecurity, or lack of self-esteem and can be a handicap to having better sex and more fun in bed.”

In this situation of sex that’s not long enough, there are many options for being able to troubleshoot. One is simply to expand one’s definition of what sex is—because in general, it shouldn’t be defined as limited to P-in-V. “Sex is more than just intercourse; sexual intimacy is everything that happens before, during, and after the act, and it depends on the connection between the people involved,” says López Trabajo.

If premature ejaculation is a reason why your sexual play ends early, there are also strategies to try that can help. Myhixel TR ($239) is a therapy device with a companion app that “trains” a penis owner to last longer. And in a pinch, something like Promescent Desensitizing Delay Spray ($25) can decrease stimulation intensity and lengthen the time to ejaculation.

Ultimately, though, the experts agree that sex is over whenever the participants want it to be over, not when one or both parties climax (or don’t). And if you’re looking to wrap things up, it’s okay to express that. Sometimes, someone is so eager to please their partner that they actually need to hear some variation of, “I’m all good.”

“If they have reached their climax and you haven’t but you’re still done, it’s okay to say something like ‘hmmm, I’m satisfied,’” Dr. Oriowo says. “Sometimes we spend too much time thinking about the orgasm instead of sexual fulfillment of satisfaction. On the other hand, if neither of you have reached a climax, but you’re done, switch gears in another sexy way.”

Dr. Oriowo suggests that you can let them know you would like to watch them finish up. Stewart also suggests dirty talking your partner to orgasm. There’s a lot of ways to play, so feel free to follow your intuition… or just say “time’s up,” if your clock has truly run out.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Think You Can’t Have Good Sex After a Chronic Illness Diagnosis?

Think Again!

Your sex life shouldn’t be halted because of bad advice, embarrassed doctors, or a lack of knowledge.

by Amy Mackelden

Receiving an unexpected diagnosis can affect every aspect of your life, including your sex life.

There are so many misconceptions when the topics of chronic illness and sex converge, making it a potentially scary subject for anyone learning to live within their “new normal.”

I was diagnosed with relapsing-remitting multiple sclerosis (RRMS) 2 weeks after my 30th birthday, and I had a plethora of questions on my mind, some of which involved my sex life.

Multiple sclerosis (MS) is a chronic condition in which a person’s nervous system attacks itself, creating lesions on the brain and spine, often damaging the nerve pathways. This can result in numbness, tingling, itching, nerve pain, spasticity, mobility changes, and many other symptoms.

As a result, I knew my sex life was going to change, but I had no idea how.

It took some time, but I eventually discovered it was possible to have a satisfying sex life while living with a chronic illness and disability.

It might seem obvious to anyone who’s living with a lifelong condition or disability that sex is often an important aspect of our lives. However, when it comes to seeking medical advice following a life altering diagnosis, sex regularly goes unmentioned.

Research shows that many healthcare providers have limited knowledge of and confidence in talking about sexuality and chronic illness and disability. They’re also commonly really uncomfortable bringing it up with patients.

Meanwhile, research is limited on sexual dysfunction related to chronic illness. It makes sense, then, that some medical professionals may be uncomfortable addressing the subject with patients.

However, this lackluster response can sadly make those of us with chronic conditions feel as though we’re asking too much, or that the support we need just isn’t available.

If, like me, you’ve broached the subject of sex with a medical professional, it’s likely that you’ve also had mixed results.

Some suggestions have been helpful, from “use more lube” to “have sex earlier in the day to avoid fatigue.”

Others have made me question whether my sex life is important, and more specifically, if anyone else believes that my sex life is worth saving.

However, it’s crucial to find the right healthcare provider who understands the unique needs of someone facing a difficult diagnosis or lifelong condition.

It’s impossible to explore all of the ways that a chronic illness or disability might affect a person’s sex life, especially as each individual will be affected differently.

After finding out that I have MS, my sex life changed, first for the worse, and then for the better.

I had a major relapse that affected both of my legs and caused numbness from the waist down. This made sex an uncomfortable experience for several months afterwards, and I lost the ability to feel orgasms.

There were times I wondered whether I’d ever experience an orgasm again. Sex itself felt strange and made me tingle all over, not in a good way.

My body has also been affected by pain, mobility changes, and fatigue, but I’ve persevered in spite of any difficulties because I didn’t want to give up on having a sex life.

While I’ve spoken to some wonderfully supportive doctors and medical professionals, it’s also been suggested that companionship is more important in a relationship and that I should make the most of what I have, even if it doesn’t involve sex.

The implication, of course, was that sex was somehow less important to a person with an incurable illness, but that’s simply not the case.

When it comes to disability, people often speak of accessibility, so why shouldn’t the same parameters extend to having sex?

Here are some of the things that might make sex more accessible (and more fun!) if you’re living with a chronic illness.

Communication is key

While it might sound obvious, communication is key in any relationship.

“Some people believe that if two people love each other, sexual activities should automatically feel mutually wonderful and satisfying,” says Lee Phillips, EdD, LICSW, a licensed clinical psychotherapist and AASECT certified sex therapist.

“The number of sexual problems reported by people with chronic illness demonstrates all too conclusively that there is nothing automatic about sex,” says Phillips.

It’s all too easy to feel frustrated when sex and intimacy don’t magically happen the way we want it to.

When one or both partners in a relationship have a disability or chronic illness, it’s more important than ever to talk through any issues or concerns there might be.

For instance, sometimes my condition affects my ability to physically feel anything during penetrative sex, and I always let my partner know about any new symptoms or changes I’m experiencing.

“Sexual communication is critical because it can address sexual likes and dislikes, turn-ons and turn-offs, sexual needs and desires, sexual fears and concerns, past positive sexual experiences, and past negative sexual experiences,” says Phillips. “It is the key ingredient for enhancing a sex life.”

Explore intimacy and your ‘new normal’

While not everyone will be interested in therapy after receiving a surprising medical diagnosis or adjusting to life with a disability, finding a therapist who understands your needs could make all the difference.

“I always call therapy the safe container,” says Phillips, who hosts the Sex & Chronic Illness podcast.

“It is the place where people who are chronically ill feel safe and it is a place where they are not judged. It is the place where they can learn the skills in using their voice. This helps them become more aware and assertive in expressing their sexuality.”

If you’ve recently received a diagnosis, then it’s possible you’re feeling shell-shocked and lacking in confidence.

This is why considering therapy and finding a specialized therapist could be particularly helpful, especially if you’re dealing with relationships, intimacy, and sex.

“We have to realize that when so much changes in a person or a couple’s life due to chronic illness, a satisfying sex life can be one way to feel healthy and normal,” says Phillips.

Get creative

Whether you’ve always hoped to explore your sexuality in more depth, or you’re looking to spice things up post-diagnosis, it’s always possible to create more fun, excitement, and surprises in your sex life.

“When living with a chronic illness, sex can be a powerful source for comfort, pleasure, and intimacy,” Phillips says. “Therefore, I always say that you have to get curious about your partner and get creative with your sex. People start to look at this as a new sexual adventure because so much has changed due to chronic illness.”

If, like me, your physical sensations have changed with your chronic illness, you might need to try new positions and techniques to achieve orgasm or feel good during sex.

If you can, try viewing this as a positive thing rather than a burden and an opportunity to create greater intimacy with a partner.

Depending on your illness or disability, you may not be able to restore sensation to certain part of your body. That doesn’t mean pleasure isn’t possible.

“Focus should be on stimulation to the chosen area without any plans of moving to any other areas or having sexual intercourse,” says Phillips. “These exercises place the emphasis on intimacy and pleasure over the goal of performance and orgasm.”

If your body has changed because of a chronic condition or disability, then using toys or props might help. (If you have regularly bemoaned the lack of fully accessible sex toys, a new company, Handi, might soon have the answer.)

Don’t give up if you don’t want to

Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that the choice of whether to have a sex life is yours and yours alone.

Whether you’re working on your orgasm solo (like I needed to do), or you’re embracing sexual intimacy with another person, your sex life is yours.

It shouldn’t be halted because of bad advice, embarrassed doctors, or a lack of knowledge.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What to know about internalized homophobia

Internalized homophobia occurs when a person is subject to society’s negative perceptions, intolerance, and stigma toward people with same-sex attraction. They then turn those ideas inward, believing that they are true, and experience self-hatred as a result of being a socially stigmatized person.

by Zawn Villines

Internalized homophobia happens when a person consciously or unconsciously accepts homophobic biases and applies these biases to themself. It can happen to anyone, regardless of sexual orientation, though most studies of internalized homophobia have looked at people who identify as lesbian, gay, or bisexual.

Internalized homophobia occurs as a result of the assumption that all people are or should be heterosexual. It is a form of oppression that excludes the needs, concerns, and experiences of LGBTQ+ people while giving advantages to heterosexual people.

In this article, we discuss why internalized homophobia occurs, how it can affect someone’s health, and how to get support.

Throughout the rest of this article, we will replace the term “homophobia” with “heterosexism.” The word homophobia places emphasis on the irrational fears of an individual rather than the systems in place that affect a person’s health.

Internalized heterosexism

Heterosexism is a very broad term that includes a range of behaviors. It can involve overt hatred of nonheterosexual people, as well as more subtle biases, such as the belief in stereotypes based on sexual orientation.

However, essentially, internalized heterosexism refers to the development of a negative view of one’s own and others’ sexual minority identities due to living in a heterosexist society.

Internalized heterosexism may result in a person:

  • being unable or unwilling to acknowledge their own sexual orientation
  • holding their same-sex partner to unreasonable standards rooted in heterosexist stereotypes
  • feeling ashamed of their sexual identity or orientation
  • trying not to behave in ways that they see as being consistent with heterosexist stereotypes
  • refusing to acknowledge their same-sex partner publicly
  • denying the role of heterosexism in LGBTQ+ oppression
  • deriding or disliking people who proudly say that they have same-sex orientations
  • believing that there is a right or wrong way to be a member of LGBTQ+ communities
  • having a fear of being gay or others labeling them as gay

Problems with the term and other names

Evidence suggests that despite its name, homophobia is not a phobia at all. Rather, it is rooted in hostility, bias, and sexual stereotypes.

Moreover, the term is pervasive. It does not reside in the individual but in a broader society that dismisses people who do not identify as heterosexual and treats heterosexuality as the norm.

For these reasons, some advocates suggest using other terms, such as:

  • Heterosexism: This term refers to the notion that heterosexuality is normal and the default, meaning that other identities and orientations are inferior or abnormal.
  • Sexual prejudice: This term describes all forms of prejudice about sexual behavior and preferences and treats these attitudes as rooted in bigotry rather than fear.
  • Antigay bias: It is important to acknowledge that antigay bias can affect a person’s behavior. For example, a person may not wish to tell others that they are gay because they have made a calculated decision to keep themself safe rather than because they have internalized heterosexism.

Why does it happen?

Nonheterosexual identities remain stigmatized. Suicide rates and mental health complications are high among people who are part of LGBTQ+ communities.

Even in a modern and more accepting society, antigay hate crimes remain common. A 2017 poll reported that many LGBTQ+ people in the United States experience some form of discrimination. In the poll, 51% said that they or a family member from the LGBTQ+ communities had experienced violence because of their sexual orientation.

Many people grow up exposed to antigay bias. As a result, they may fear the consequences of being gay or others viewing them as gay. They may unconsciously accept antigay bias or fear that acting in a “nonheterosexual way” might lead to rejection at work or school or in their family.

Given the high rates of violence and harassment affecting people among LGBTQ+ communities, it is understandable that some people may turn these ideas inward to protect themselves.

Factors affecting it

Some people may be more at risk of internalizing stigma due to certain factors, such as:

  • Religious conservatism: Many conservative religions promote antigay bias. A 2018 study found that colleges with religiously conservative climates indirectly promoted internalized heterosexism by being less accepting of lesbian, gay, and bisexual students.
  • Lack of social support: An unsupportive or hostile environment, which may involve widespread heterosexism, family rejection, or participation in an antigay community, may increase the risk of internalizing heterosexist views.
  • Exposure to nonheterosexual identities: People with less exposure to nonheterosexual people may harbor more stereotypes, increasing their risk of internalized antigay bias.

How can it affect a person’s health?

Internalized heterosexism can affect a person’s health and well-being in many ways, including:

  • Poor relationship quality: A 2009 analysis found that, even independent of other factors, internalized heterosexism predicted lower quality relationships among lesbian, gay, and bisexual couples.
  • Mental health complications: People who internalize antigay views may experience depression. They may be anxious about their own or others’ sexual behavior or feelings. Evidence also notes that LGBTQ+ people use mental health services at a rate that is 2.5 times higher than the rate of the general population.
  • Chronic stress: A 2018 study that used daily diaries from same-sex couples found that those with higher levels of internalized heterosexism reported higher daily stress. Chronic stress can severely damage health and correlates with a higher risk of many health conditions.
  • Sexual behavior: A 2017 study of Chinese gay and bisexual men found that those who internalized antigay bias were more likely to pay for sex or engage in sexually compulsive behavior. Substance abuse is also more likely among those who experience stigma or discrimination, and this can lead to unsafe sex practices.
  • Concealment of identity: People who experience internalized antigay bias may conceal their orientation, which can make it difficult to have a relationship or feel safe. A 2017 study found that many young people do not feel comfortable reporting their sexual orientation. As a result, they may not be receiving comprehensive healthcare — for example, they might miss important screenings or risk assessments.

How to get support

Some options for getting support may include:

  • Finding a local LGBTQ+ community: College students may be able to find help on campus. LGBTQ+ bookstores, art houses, and community gathering spots may also be useful resources.
  • Finding identity-affirming doctors, therapists, and other providers: Health Professionals Advancing LGBTQ Equality is a good place to find a clinician.
  • Therapy: Attending therapy sessions with a therapist who specializes in stigma among minority populations may help with mental health complications.
  • Friends and family: Some people may find support and compassion from partners, friends, or family.
  • Support resources: Those who cannot access a community service or Gay-Straight Alliances club may find support online, such as from The Trevor Project, the It Gets Better Project, or The Matthew Shepard Foundation.

How to be an ally

Some strategies for supporting LGBTQ+ colleagues, friends, and loved ones include:

  • listening to and believing other people’s experiences
  • accepting feedback and prioritizing being supportive and learning over defending one’s goodness and status as an ally
  • avoiding any offensive humor, such as antigay jokes, that may make people feel uncomfortable
  • speaking out when others make antigay statements
  • fostering a diverse environment, where all views matter and marginalized groups’ opinions count
  • learning about the unique challenges that members of LGBTQ+ communities face

It is important to understand that being an ally is an ongoing behavior, not a single decision. People should work through any internalized biases. If they have an impulse to disbelieve an LGBTQ+ person about their experiences, they should resist that impulse.

Summary

Internalized heterosexism, which people may refer to as internalized homophobia, occurs when a person accepts antigay biases and applies them to themself due to living in a heterosexist society.

Internalized heterosexism continues to be a problem, especially in unwelcoming communities where the rates of violence and harassment are high. It can also have negative effects on a person’s mental and physical health. However, many different support services are available.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex-Positivity Means Unlearning Shame

Love & Lust 2021: Developing a Sense of Self

By Jamila Reddy

When I was five years old, my parents gave my sister and me a book called “Where Did I Come From?”

Published in 1973, the book featured illustrations and explanations of how babies are made. On the front and back covers were a sea of cartoon sperm swimming across the page with smiles on their faces. The book featured a friendly-looking (straight white) couple in various forms of undress; kissing, holding hands and “making love.”

My next lessons on sex came in the fourth grade, in North Carolina public school health classes. On a special day that required advance parental consent in order for students to participate, “boys and girls” were separated and sent to two different rooms to view scientific diagrams of our reproductive systems.

I remember feeling awkward in a room full of pre-pubescent youth, all of us squirming nervously through informational videos on puberty — groaning and giggling through re-enactments of first periods and wet dreams.

Before I started having sex, however, most of what I learned about it came from mainstream media: TV, music, and movies.

I remember being shocked and delighted to see portrayals of sex as a young person — the iconic sweaty backseat-window-of-the-car moment from Titanic, music video countdowns featuring scantily clad women, suggestive choreography at my very first Spice Girls concert.

As a kid, my media consumption was regulated to the extent that it could be. My mother would likely be horrified to know that, in middle and high school, I spent many an unsupervised hour at sleepovers watching BET Uncut, a late-night program that streamed sexually explicit, raunchy music videos. Many of these videos were, essentially, DIY low-budget films bordering on actual porn, and the rest were more mainstream but deemed too “mature” to show during regular countdowns. Women were almost exclusively featured in these videos as sexual objects — sporting thongs and tight dresses, licking and poking out their glistening lips, winding and bouncing and bending.

Coming of Age: Sex and Sexist Messages

I grew up unknowingly queer in the Christian, conservative South, and heteronormativity (the assumption of heterosexuality and adherence to a gender binary) pervaded most, if not all, of the lessons I learned about sex. These lessons on what was “acceptable” or “standard” behavior when it came to sex distorted my understanding of what sex was and what it could be. I did not know I was queer until my twenties because, before my twenties, I did not even know what “queer” was. I did not know that sex could be something other than the penetrative sex between a cisgender, heterosexual woman and a cisgender, heterosexual man because I had never seen it.

Until adulthood, nobody in my life talked openly about sex outside of conversations about safety or abstinence.

I learned about sex as a practical endeavor (for the purpose of making babies) and as the standard rule of intimate engagement between cishet men and cishet women (for the purpose of male orgasm). I learned that sex was a thing to be done behind closed doors. I learned that sex was dangerous and risky. I learned that sex was complex and rife with double standards.

Much of my sex education came from social myths. It seemed widely understood that for people assigned male at birth (AMAB), pursuing sex was totally normal and natural, but for people assigned female at birth (AFAB), it was devious and shameful.

Teenage me looked on in horror as the girls who wore low-cut shirts or miniskirts were admonished for having no self-respect, and the ones who made out with boys in the back rows of movie theatres were villainized and shamed for being “sluts.”  I learned, through years of observing the social stigma attached to sexual girls, that sex was something to do quietly and privately — that if I was going to do it, no one should know.

For years, I believed that something was wrong with me for being curious about sex for pleasure. I felt wrong for fantasizing about being sexually intimate with someone. I saw sex as something strange and dangerous, not just for the physical risks it posed to the body, but for how quickly it could lower one’s social worth. So, I suppressed my sexual desires. I learned to be ashamed of them.

Sexual Initiation and Sexual Passivity

The first time I had sex was on the top bunk of a dorm room bed at 19.

My boyfriend at the time, like most of my cishet male sexual partners, had had more experiences with sex than I — not only through having it but through watching porn. Since it was my first time, I deemed him the expert and deferred to him to facilitate our first sexual encounter.

It was uninspiring, to say the least.

I lay on my back in the dark, quiet as a mouse and stiff as a board, as he huffed and puffed on top of me. It was awkward and uncomfortable, and after all was said and done, I turned over and wept into his pillow. Gut-wrenching, loud, ugly sobs. I left feeling dirty. Ruined. I felt like I had “lost” something — like my value as a person worthy of respect had just dropped tenfold.

Despite spending three (monogamous) years in a relationship together, this boyfriend and I never actually had a conversation about what positive, consensual sex looked like. Our sex was boring and routine, and almost always ended with his orgasm, not mine. After we broke up, my sexual experiences varied slightly but pretty much had the same script, different cast. Even when my sexual partners were not cishet men, I followed their lead. I was agreeable, I went along for the ride.

My fear of being labeled a social deviant, a slut, had yielded a lingering sexual apathy — I learned to be passive within sexual encounters. I learned not to consider my own desires and instead to be “okay with” and “down for” anything. I spent years prioritizing my partners’ sexual experience and pleasure over my own, following their lead, doing what I was told. It was not until well into adulthood — and several difficult, transparent conversations with a TGNC (Trans Gender-Nonconforming) sex-positive partner that I realized how desperately I needed to unlearn what I had been taught about sex.

Queer Conversations: Finding Sex-Positivity

Several months into our relationship, my ex-partner — who, for a bit of context, proudly described themself as “pro-ho” — asked, “What do I have to do to get you to ask me for sex?” The question stopped me in my tracks. Admittedly, I hadn’t even noticed that they were always the one who initiated our sexual rendezvous. They expressed frustration over this discrepancy and communicated their desire to feel wanted and to be pursued. After reflecting on why it rarely occurred to me to play a lead role in our sex life, I realized: I never did it because, in the past, I never had to. All of my previous partners came on to me. I had never protested, and none of them had ever complained.

Being in a partnership with someone whose sexual expression is a core part of their identity — someone deeply invested in the pursuit of pleasure and joy — made me glaringly aware of my own internalized sex-negativity.

I discovered how much shame around sex I had internalized, and how much that shame had stunted the growth of my own sexual identity and sexual expression.

I realized that I had allowed myself to become, as James Baldwin so brilliantly put it, a “co-conspirator” in my own oppression. Patriarchy, a social system in which cisgender heterosexual men dominate, is fundamentally rooted in women/AFAB people not feeling in control of their bodies.

Under patriarchy, women — and especially women of color — are systematically disconnected from our bodies. We are socialized not to consider what feels good to us, but as to how we can use our bodies in service of men.

I am working to unlearn these lessons and to exercise full agency over my body. I am working on moving away from shame, stigma, and silence towards a personal sex-positivity. Sex-positivity is a complex notion, and lots of folks have lots of things to say about what it actually means. For me, sex-positivity is the belief that sex, as long as it is healthy and consensual, is a positive thing. The Center for Positive Sexuality provides this definition:

“A sex-positive perspective acknowledges the wide range of human and sexual diversity among individuals; a multitude of sexual identities, orientations, and practices; gender presentations; and the need for accessible healthcare and education. Sex positivity also encourages open and safe communication, ethics, consent, empowerment of sexual minorities, and the resolution of various social problems that are associated with sexuality.”

Moving away from shame and towards sex-positivity means, first and foremost, that I must affirm myself as a sexual being. I have to stop pretending sex isn’t a part of my life. I have to let go of thoughts and beliefs that prevent me from taking control over what happens to my body.

Ultimately, what I want out of sex are the same things I want out of my life as a whole: curiosity, a spirit of play, openness, vulnerability, connectivity, pleasure, freedom.

Unlearning shame is not a journey that will happen overnight, but it’s a worthy endeavor nonetheless. Being sex-positive is about so much more than just having great sex. It’s, in the words of Toni Morrison, about “letting go of the shit that weighs me down.” It’s about prioritizing my own opinions, my own desires, and ultimately, my own happiness. It’s about taking full responsibility for my life and the experiences I have within it.

And what could be more radical than that?

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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10 sex drive myths experts say are toxic and gendered

    • Many sex drive myths are based on out-dated gender norms.

    • Sex drive varies from person to person regardless of their gender.

    • A person’s sex drive might change over the course of their life.

     

    A person’s sex drive doesn’t depend on their gender and everyone’s libido fluctuates throughout their life.

    By Carla Delgado

    Sex drive (or libido) is the instinct, desire, or energy to engage in sexual behavior. There’s no right or wrong frequency or amount of sex. Everyone has their own baseline of what “normal” libido is because it varies from one individual to another.

    “Desire for sex is based on a variety of factors, including how we feel mentally and physically, the setting, the stimuli, the person(s) we are with. Sexual desire ebbs and flows in response to situations,” says Justin R. Garcia, MS, PhD, whose a sex researcher and executive director of the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University.

    There are a number of myths surrounding sex drive like how oysters stimulate desire and all men have a high sex drive. It is important to debunk these misconceptions to prevent people from spreading inaccurate information and to prevent folks from putting unnecessary pressure on themselves or partners

    Here are some of the most commonly held myths about sex drive that we need to stop believing.

    Myth 1: Women have a lower sex drive than men

    Aside from the false, though common, assumption that there are only two genders or sexes, a 2014 study showed that sexual desire manifests similarly among men and women based on sexual arousal and motivation, as well as the frequency of sexual desire. It also concluded that gender norms and inaccurate methods used in research influence supposed gender differences.

    Libido can be affected by pregnancy, breastfeeding, illness, menopause, or andropause because of hormonal changes, but it doesn’t mean that women inherently have a lower sex drive than men. “Any given woman may report a much higher or much lower baseline interest in sex than any given man,” says Garcia.

    Myth 2: Oysters are an aphrodisiac

    Foods like oysters, chocolates, strawberries, and honey are often thought of as aphrodisiacs, which increase sexual desire when consumed. However, this claim isn’t supported by science. There is limited research suggesting that any specific food can increase sex drive, but a well-balanced diet can improve overall heart health which often supports better sexual health, says Seth Cohen, MD, MPH, assistant professor of urology and director of the division of sexual medicine at NYU Grossman School of Medicine. Many may find chocolate– or any other sensually appetizing item– appealing because it is often a source of pleasure, supporting a person’s interest in further good feelings, including sexual enjoyment. 

    Myth 3: You can never increase your sex drive

    Sex drive can increase or decrease depending on various circumstances, so it is possible to boost your libido when it is lower than what is normal for you. According to Cohen, an individual can do this by engaging in movement or exercise you enjoy,  reducing stress, increasing mindfulness, and having a diet that aligns with your health needs. Lack of quality sleep also affects sexual function, so get about seven to nine hours of sleep every night, and check out these tips for how to sleep better if you’re having trouble.

    Myth 4: People with chronic illnesses or disabilities always have a low sex drive

    It’s a common misconception that disabled people are less sexual than able-bodied people. “Some people experience their sexual pleasure differently than others, but that doesn’t mean they necessarily have more or less interest in sexual activity,” says Garcia. Chronic illnesses and disabilities may affect sexual function or arousal, but it’s wrong to think that they don’t enjoy or can’t have sex. Keep in mind that pleasure and intimacy don’t look the same for everybody and there’s more to sex than penetration. 

    Myth 5: All men have a high sex drive

    “All men do not have a high sex drive. I see plenty of men daily from the ages of 20 to 80 who have low sex drive for various reasons, whether depression, anxiety, stress, low self esteem and body image, weight gain, poor diet, multiple medical problems, and more,” says Cohen. Sexual desire varies, so the basis for a “high sex drive” is subjective. It’s also harmful to everyone involved to think men have a high sex drive, it puts unrealistic standards on men and harmful expectations for others.

    Myth 6: Age is the only factor that can reduce sex drive

    While it’s true that sex drive can change with age, there are plenty of psychological and physical factors that can affect it. Mental and emotional well-being, and habits such as smoking, drinking, and certain drugs, can all cause a low sex drive. Relationship factors and fears of consequences (such as an STI or pregnancy) can also greatly hinder a person’s sex drive. 

    Myth 7: You need to have sex often to maintain a high sex drive

    “Frequent sexual activity is not necessary in order to maintain a healthy and satisfying libido,” says Garcia. While it’s true that having sex can increase the desire for more sex, “most people can become aroused and experience sexual desire in the absence of recent sexual activity, even after long periods of abstinence,” says Garcia.

    Myth 8: Pornography doesn’t affect sex drive

    Porn, specifically ethically produced porn, in and of itself is not problematic, what can be problematic is how people engage with porn. However, pornography can decrease sex drive by conditioning an individual’s sexual arousal to elements of pornography that don’t reflect in reality, leading to unrealistic ideas of intimacy, relationships,  and body image expectations. Sexual imagery can also increase libido by encouraging a person to have a deeper sexual relationship with themself and by priming their sexual excitement. However, many people who watch pornography, either alone or with a partner, continue to have sexual desire even without pornographic stimuli, says Garcia.

    Myth 9: Having a low sex drive means you can’t enjoy sex

    “Someone can have relatively low sexual interest, but then become aroused rather quickly,” says Garcia. People often have what is called responsive desire, which means that while they may not feel the urge to initiate sex, they do still enjoy it. Even though an individual wants to have sex less frequently than they usually do, they can still enjoy it as much as they did before. “Sex is satisfying in itself. A low sex drive just means you want less of it,” says Cohen. 

    Myth 10: It’s wrong or bad to have a low sex drive

    Everyone’s sex drive is different and it normally fluctuates over time. However, if your low sex drive is distressing you or negatively affecting your relationship, you can seek a medical professional or sex therapist to discuss your sexual health and address possible causes.

    “Low sex drive is not bad, but if it’s zero for long periods of time, then further medical workup is warranted,” says Cohen. It may be a sign of underlying health problems such as an arousal disorder, the inability to attain or maintain sexual interest.

    It’s also possible that someone with low or no sexual desire is asexual.

    Many of the myths around sex drive are generalizations about a particular group of people or misinformation about the factors that affect libido. According to Garcia, “scientifically accurate sex education is woefully lacking especially here in the United States,” which might explain why there are questions and misconceptions around sex, including sex drive.

    It’s important to understand that the desire to engage in sexual behavior largely varies between people, so you shouldn’t automatically assume that everyone has the same sex drive as you. Before engaging in sexual activity, have an honest discussion with your partner/s about individual desires to establish clear boundaries.

    “In the world of sexuality, variation is the norm,” says Garcia. If you’re concerned about your sexual health, seek a medical professional for a consultation.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is a Sex Therapist?

And How Can One Help Me?

Whether you’re dealing with sexual function issues or intimacy concerns, a sex therapist can help.

By Catherine Pearson

Talking about sex can be difficult for many people, and talking about sexual health problems can be even harder. Bedroom issues like sexual performance and low libido may go beyond the scope of what you would normally discuss with your primary care physician, ob-gyn, or usual therapist.

This is where sex therapists enter the picture — trained professionals who focus specifically on human sexuality and healthy sexual behavior, and who can offer compassionate, research-backed help while addressing the full range of pertinent psychological, physiological, and cultural factors in play. Think sex therapy could be helpful for you and your partner? Learn more about what sex therapists do and what a typical session may look like.

What Is Sex Therapy and What Do Sex Therapists Do?

“A sex therapist is a licensed mental health professional who has extensive education and training in sex therapy in addition to mental health,” says Neil Cannon, PhD, a Colorado-based sex therapist who serves as bylaws chair for the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT).

There are many different paths people can take to becoming a sex therapist. A sex therapist might be a psychologist or psychiatrist, a clinical social worker, a family therapist, or maybe a doctor or nurse who has psychotherapy training and who has gone on to get specialized training in sexuality and sexual functioning, intimacy, and relationships.

Those are big, broad buckets, of course. But a qualified sex therapist should be adept at addressing a wide range of concerns including (but by no means limited to): issues about sexual desire, ejaculation-related problems, trouble orgasming, painful sex, and more.

What a Session With a Sex Therapist May Look Like

Sex therapy varies significantly depending on what is being addressed and who the therapist and patient — or patients — are. So there is no standard answer for what a particular therapy session might entail or how often you will go. One thing that will not be a part of any sessions is sexual contact. Sex therapy is talk therapy.

Most sex therapists will start by getting a thorough picture of your sexual history, whether they ask for that information before you attend a session, in person, or both.

“You’re really getting a sense of what, historically, has shaped a [patient’s] sexual map or preferences,” explains Megan Fleming, PhD, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in New York City. “And then, most importantly, what is their presenting challenge or complaint that they want to be working on.”

A sex therapist will consider what Dr. Fleming calls the “bio-psycho-social” determinants contributing to a client’s concern — meaning any potential biological, psychological, and social factors — and will work with you to create a specific treatment plan. Sex therapists may see individuals, couples, or both. Some may be comfortable starting with an individual who eventually brings in his or her partner, though Fleming says that whether a therapist does this will depend on the specific circumstances.

What a Sex Therapist May Commonly Recommend

Again, the recommendations a sex therapist gives vary dramatically from patient to patient and the issues they are addressing.

“It depends on the therapist you’re working with as well as what it is you’re looking for,” says Fleming. Sometimes you’ll see the therapist for just a handful of sessions, maybe with a tune-up down the road; other times long-term, in-depth therapy might be called for.

Expect homework, which can be a common element of sex therapy. Your sex therapist will ask you to complete specific tasks in between sessions, and then ask you or you and your partner to report back. Those homework assignments could range from communication exercises to specific sexual experimentation activities.

What Type of Training Does a Sex Therapist Receive?

Unfortunately, no regulations govern who can call themselves a sex therapist, which is why it is important to pay close attention to credentials.

“In most states, anybody can say that they’re a sex therapist — or that they do sex therapy — and the consumer has no idea whether this person has ever taken a single class, has ever gone through any training, or has been supervised around sex therapy by qualified supervisors,” warns Dr. Cannon. “So if you don’t go to a certified sex therapist, it’s buyer beware.”

AASECT requires sex therapists to have an advanced degree that includes psychotherapy training and a certain amount of clinical experience — plus 90 hours of human sexuality education, 60 hours of sex therapy training, and then extensive supervision by a qualified supervisor.

How Can I Find a Sex Therapist Near Me?

AASECT keeps a list of licensed sex therapists on its site, which Cannon recommends as a good starting point. If you live in an area where sex therapists aren’t plentiful, he says teletherapy, or virtual therapy, may be an option.

Other healthcare providers may also be able to help, like your primary care physician or a more generalized therapist who may refer you to a sexual health specialist.

If you are in a position to, you should feel empowered to shop around for a good fit.

“This is not an easy topic for people to talk about,” says Fleming. “You need to feel that the person is open-minded, they’re not judgmental, they’re going to help you explore, and they’re really trying to help you ask the right questions — but they’re not jumping in to diagnose and pathologize.”

Remember: Your sex therapist must be a good fit for you. “Therapy is really about a relationship,” she adds. “So feeling a sense of security and safety — those are really important pieces.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Saying sex increases cancer risk is neither totally correct, nor in any way helpful

By

A study published recently claims to have found a link between having had ten or more sexual partners and an increased risk of cancer. But it’s not as simple as that.

While having a sexually transmissible infection (STI) can increase the risk of certain types of cancer, using a person’s lifetime number of sexual partners as a marker of their likely sexual health history is one of several flaws in this research.

The evidence from this study isn’t strong enough to conclude that having had multiple sexual partners increases a person’s risk of cancer.

Misinterpreting these findings could lead to stigma around STIs and having multiple sexual partners.

What the study did

The research, published in the journal BMJ Sexual & Reproductive Health, used data from 2,537 men and 3,185 women participating in the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing, a nationally representative study of adults aged 50+ in England.

The average age of participants was 64. Most were married or living with a partner, white, non-smokers, drank alcohol regularly, and were at least moderately active once a week or more.

Participants were asked to recall the number of people with whom they had ever had vaginal, oral or anal sex in their lifetime. The researchers grouped the responses into four categories shown in the table below.

The researchers then examined associations between lifetime number of sexual partners and self-reported health outcomes (self-rated health, limiting longstanding illness, cancer, heart disease and stroke).

The researchers controlled for a range of demographic factors (age, ethnicity, partnership status, and socioeconomic status) as well as health-related factors (smoking status, frequency of alcohol intake, physical activity, and depressive symptoms).

What the study found

Men with 2-4 partners and 10+ partners were more likely to have been diagnosed with cancer, compared to men with 0-1 partners. There was no difference between men with 0-1 partners and 5-9 partners.

Compared to women with 0-1 partners, women with 10+ partners were more likely to have been diagnosed with cancer.

Women with 5-9 partners and 10+ partners were also more likely to report a “limiting longstanding illness” than those with 0-1 partners.

The authors don’t specify what constitutes a limiting longstanding illness, but looking at the questions they asked participants, we can ascertain it’s a chronic condition that disrupts daily activities. It’s likely these ranged from mildly irritating to debilitating.

There was no association between number of sexual partners and self-rated general health, heart disease or stroke for either men or women.

Notably, while statistically significant, the effect size of all these associations was modest.

What does number of sexual partners have to do with cancer risk?

There is a reason for investigating whether a person’s lifetime number of sexual partners has anything to do with their cancer risk. If you’ve had a lot of sexual partners, it’s more likely you’ve been exposed to an STI. Having an STI can increase your risk of several types of cancer.

For example, human papillomavirus (HPV) is responsible for 30% of all cancers caused by infectious agents (bacteria, viruses or parasites), contributing to cervical cancer, penile cancer, and cancers of the mouth, throat and anus.

Viral hepatitis can be transmitted through sex, and having chronic hepatitis B or C increases the risk of liver cancer.

Untreated HIV increases the risk of cancers such as lymphomas, sarcomas and cervical cancer.

How can we make sense of this?

The authors of the study acknowledge the numerous limitations of the analysis and recommend further work be done to confirm their findings. We must interpret their results with this in mind.

Their use of lifetime number of sexual partners as a proxy measure for STI history is a key problem. While there is an association between having a higher number of partners and an increased risk of STIs, many other factors may be important in determining a person’s risk of being infected with an STI.

These include whether they’ve practised safe sex, what type of infection they might have encountered, and whether they’ve been vaccinated against, or treated for, particular infections.

Further, the analysis was based on cross-sectional data – a snapshot that doesn’t account for changes over time. Participants were asked to recall information from the past, rather than having measurements taken directly at different time points. It’s not possible to establish causation from a cross-sectional analysis.

Even if the association is confirmed in prospective, longitudinal studies, the findings may not apply to other groups of people.

Recent advances in vaccine development (such as the wide availability of the HPV vaccine), better STI prevention (such as the use of pre- and post-exposure prophylaxis – PreP and PEP – for HIV) and more effective therapy (for example, direct-acting antiviral agents to treat hepatitis C) will reduce the impact of STIs on cancer risk for those who can access them.

People with higher numbers of sexual partners were more likely to smoke and drink frequently (increasing the risk of cancer), but also to do more vigorous physical activity (decreasing the risk of cancer).

For women, a higher number of sexual partners was associated with white ethnicity; for men, with a greater number of depressive symptoms. Although the researchers controlled for these factors, these points highlight some inconsistencies in the pattern of results.

The researchers also couldn’t explain why a greater number of sexual partners was associated with a higher likelihood of a limiting chronic condition for women, but not for men.

Ultimately, this study raises more questions than it answers. We need further research before we can use these results to inform policy or improve practice.

The paper concludes by saying enquiring about lifetime sexual partners could be helpful when screening for cancer risk. This is a very long stretch based on the evidence presented.

This approach could also be harmful. It could invade privacy and increase stigma about having multiple sexual partners or having an STI.

We know experiencing stigma can discourage people from attending sexual health screenings and other services.

It would be better to put limited health resources towards improving prevention, screening and treatments for STIs.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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(Almost) Everything You Know About the Invention of the Vibrator Is Wrong

A Victorian doctor created the “vibratode,” but it was our great-great- grandmothers who saw its real potential.

By Hallie Lieberman

There’s a longstanding myth that still seems to hold about where vibrators first came from. It goes something like this:

Cut to Victorian England. A mutton-chopped, bow-tie-clad doctor stands in an operating theater, where the silhouette of a woman, legs in stirrups sits before him. He — serious, medical, scholarly — applies the vibrator to her genitals, bringing her to “hysterical paroxysm,” thereby curing her of her “hysteria.” (Perhaps he throws in some disparaging remarks about women’s suffrage, for good measure.)

The above scene, complete with suffrage references, actually appeared recently, in the animated series “Big Mouth.” But that’s only one recent instance. The 2011 film “Hysteria,” starring Maggie Gyllenhaal, centered its entire story around this myth about vibrators. “Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries” and “Full Frontal With Samantha Bee” repeated it. Sarah Ruhl’s 2009 Tony-nominated play “In The Next Room (or the Vibrator Play)” focused on it, as did the 2007 documentary “Passion and Power: The Technology of Orgasm.” Popular books from Wednesday Martin’s “Untrue” to Laura and Jennifer Berman’s “For Women Only: A Revolutionary Guide to Reclaiming Your Sex Life” have retold the story. It’s been cited in the academic literature dozens of times.

Every time I see this myth retold as truth, I sigh. I’m doubly frustrated because if anyone’s to blame, it’s me, not the writers of “Big Mouth” or “Hysteria.” I wrote a 384-page book on the history of sex toys, and I spent only a few pages debunking this story. I thought — naïvely it turns out — that I could focus on my own story and the myth would die. But it didn’t. So I co-wrote a scholarly article with Eric Schatzberg that debunked it again, step by step. When the Journal of Positive Sexuality published the article in August 2018, I declared victory. I shouldn’t have. The myth soldiers on. This is my attempt to kill it once and for all.

Why bother debunking this myth? Isn’t it harmless? Women getting orgasms at the doctor’s office: what’s not to like?

I like the story too. It’s sexy; it’s salacious; it’s doctor-patient porn in the form of serious scholarship that you can bring up at dinner parties. I myself believed it at first.

But the myth isn’t harmless. It’s a fantasy that contributes to the ways we still misunderstand female sexuality and that perpetuates harmful stereotypes that continue to resonate in our laws and attitudes.

Attempts to control women’s sexuality are based in part on the same beliefs that undergird the vibrator myth: that because women don’t understand their own sexuality they should not be the ones in control of it. It makes women seem ignorant, passive and easily duped by manipulative men. In other words, it perpetuates the myth that women lack sexual agency.

The myth can be traced to Rachel Maines’s 1999 book “Technology of Orgasm” (she wrote some earlier articles, but the book is what put this version of the vibrator’s history on the map). Published by Johns Hopkins University Press, “Technology” seemed like a well-researched scholarly book, with 465 citations and a plethora of primary sources, some in Greek and Latin; the problem is that none of them actually supported this story. (Ms. Maines has said she put forth her version as an “interesting hypothesis” and never intended it to be seen as established fact.) Nonetheless, the idea caught on and spread.

If you swap the genders you can recognize how much the widespread acceptance of this story is based on gender bias. Imagine arguing that at the turn of the 20th century, female nurses were giving hand jobs to male patients to treat them for psychological problems; that men didn’t realize anything sexual was going on; that because female nurses’ wrists got tired from all the hand jobs, they invented a device called a penis pump to help speed up the process. Then imagine claiming nobody thought any of this was sexual, because it was a century ago.

The idea that nurses were masturbating clueless men to orgasm as a mainstream medical therapy is obviously ridiculous. But why don’t we think the same story is absurd when it’s about women? In part it’s because women have historically been seen as ignorant about their own bodies, and female sexuality has been controlled and constrained by men throughout history. In contrast, men are viewed as knowledgeable about their bodies — at least knowledgeable enough to know when they’ve had an orgasm.

Yet Ms. Maines’s story was embraced not by sexist men but by feminist women. Why? The story has the benefit of being both sexy and reassuring. It portrays sexual knowledge as marching on a steady line of progress, from clueless Victorians to today’s sexual sophisticates. It also serves as a feminist fairy tale of sorts, in which women subvert patriarchal society by procuring orgasms from their doctors, paid for by their husbands.

Ms. Maines is right about one thing: the electric vibrator was invented by a physician, the British doctor Joseph Mortimer Granville. But when Dr. Granville invented the vibrator in the early 1880s, it was not meant to be used on women or to cure hysteria. In fact, he argued specifically that it shouldn’t be used on hysterical women; rather, Dr. Granville invented the vibrator as a medical device for men, to be used on a variety of body parts, mainly to treat pain, spinal disease and deafness. The only sexual uses he suggested were vibrating men’s perineums to treat impotence. Illustrations in Dr. Granville’s book on the invention of the electric vibrator show him using it only on men.

The true story is that the use of vibrators became widespread only when they were marketed to the general public, both men and women, as domestic and medical appliances in the early 1900s. Ads featuring men and women, babies and older people, promised vibrators could do everything from eliminating wrinkles to curing tuberculosis. When doctors did use vibrators on women, they assiduously avoided touching their clitorises. “The greatest objection to vibration thus applied is that in overly sensitive patients it is liable to cause sexual excitement,” the gynecologist James Craven Wood wrote in 1917. If, however, he continued, “the vibratode is kept well back from the clitoris, there is but little danger of causing such excitement.”

It was female consumers who embraced their erotic potential — covertly at first, until the early 1970s, when the radical feminist Betty Dodson began openly using vibrators as sexual devices in her masturbation workshops.

The myth of the vibrator has real consequences. The harmful idea that women are naturally sexually ignorant and that women who do have sexual knowledge and drives are outliers, has been the basis for repressive laws throughout history: from adultery laws that punished only women to honor killings to recent restrictions on birth control and abortion. All these laws and violence are about punishing women who have sex for pleasure, not procreation.

The myth also reinforces the false idea that the history of sex moves on a straight line from repression to enlightenment. This belief can make people complacent, believing that we have advanced beyond Victorian attitudes. Yet we still live in a sexually repressive era where double standards abound: Sex toy advertising is restricted by the M.T.A., Facebook, Instagram, and other venues, while ads for erectile dysfunction products are allowed. The Trump administration has decreased sex education funding, promoted abstinence-only education, and redirected funds for preventing teen pregnancy to anti-abortion groups.
It’s time to be honest about our past: doctors didn’t invent vibrators because their wrists hurt from rubbing hysterical women’s clitorises. They invented vibrators as cure-all devices; those devices ended up curing very little, until our great-great-grandmothers put them toward their highest purpose. The real story isn’t as salacious as the myth, but it does have one important thing going for it: it happens to be true.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Shame Isn’t an Education

by Emily Newman

How did you learn about sex? Were you taught that it’s a natural part of life or that it’s a sin? Did you receive medically accurate information that prepared you to make safe and responsible decisions regarding your sexual activity? Or were you told that all sexual activity is bad and that having sex makes you unwanted and dirty, like chewed gum?

As odd as that metaphor may sound, it’s just one of several used by abstinence-only and sexual risk-avoidance programs to shame students, instead of providing reliable, accurate information. Now, condom brand Trojan and Advocates for Youth are raising awareness of such unethical strategies by turning chewed pieces of gum into protest symbols with their #Not
ChewedGum cam­paign (NotChewed
Gum.org or SRAisAbstinenceOnly.org). On October 30 the two organizations coordinated a billboard-sized exhibit in front of the Capitol in Washington, DC, with the message “You Are Not Chewed Gum. Information Is the Best Protection” crafted entirely from chewed gum.

Other insulting examples used to shame students include:

  • The used piece of tape: Students stick a piece of tape on their own arm then take it off and pass it to another student, who does the same. The teacher notes that the tape isn’t sticky anymore, concluding that when you have sex with multiple people you ruin your ability to experience emotional intimacy.
  • The cup of spit: Multiple students spit into one cup and the teacher asks if anyone wants to drink it. When no one does, the teacher explains that the cup of spit symbolizes someone who has had sex with multiple partners; “no one will want you.”
  • The dice roll and paper doll: Students roll dice and are handed a paper baby based on the roll. The lesson is that sex is risky and can always result in pregnancy, no matter if contraception is used.
  • The shredded heart: After students write their hopes and dreams for the future on a paper heart the teacher selects a student’s heart to tear into pieces. The teacher tells the class that once they have sex their hopes and dreams are destroyed.
  • The toothbrush: The teacher shows the class a used toothbrush and asks the boys if they would like to use it. When they say no, the teacher then turns to the girls and says that once they’ve had sex, they’re like the used toothbrush; “who would want you?”
  • The unwrapped candy: The teacher unwraps a piece of candy, has the students pass it around the class, and then asks if they’d rather have the candy that everyone touched or a wrapped candy. The lesson is that once you’ve had sex you’re like unwanted unwrapped candy. People will choose the untouched candy instead of the “dirty” one.
  • The crockpot and the microwave: Teachers explain that girls are like crock pots because they “heat up” slowly, while boys are like microwaves because they “get hot” quickly. Girls are also taught to be responsible for making sure boys don’t heat up too quickly.

“We need to counter harmful and shameful programs, and give people resources and tools so they can gain as much knowledge as possible,” said Bukky (pictured here), a nineteen-year-old representative of the Advocates for Youth International Youth Leadership Council and a current Howard University student who was present at the October 30 event in DC. She’s interested in working on global reproductive justice because she had a very “don’t ask, don’t tell” understanding of sex as a direct result of growing up in Idaho and attending the Church of Latter Day Saints’ schools. “If you talked about consent and birth control, you were shamed.”

Abstinence-only lessons are especially cruel to girls by claiming that they—unlike boys—are less valuable after having sex “whether they wanted to or not,” implying that sexual abuse is a female’s responsibility to avoid. This inequity is reinforced by the societal protection of girls’ virginity and the simultaneous celebration of boys’ promiscuity. Recently, rapper T.I. boasted in an interview that he takes his eighteen-year-old daughter to get an annual “hymen check,” but is fine with his fifteen-year-old son having sex. In response to that interview, feminist writer and Humanist Heroine awardee Jessica Valenti reminds us that there’s no medical definition of virginity. “There is no physical marker on men or women’s bodies that demonstrate virginity (not even hymens), and sex means something a lot broader than heterosexual intercourse.” However, seven states require only negative information be provided on homosexuality as part of sex education and several states aren’t even required to provide medically accurate information.

“We use sex to sell everything else, but as a culture we can’t talk about sex,” Trojan 
Marketing Director Stephanie Berez pointed out at the gum wall on the National Mall. This lack of frank conversation has led to Congress spending over $2.2 billion on ineffective abstinence-only programs and has permitted Donald Trump’s administration to cancel funding for eighty-one successful teen pregnancy prevention programs. It has resulted in cases of gonorrhea, chlamydia, and syphilis reaching an all-time high in 2018, with about half of all new STD cases occurring in young people aged fifteen to twenty-four. And it means we’ve failed to equip young people with education for all genders and sexual orientations in order to prevent harassment and promote healthy relationships. As the Society of Adolescent Health and Medicine’s 2017 review of abstinence-only-until-marriage policies and programs concluded, access to sexual health information “is a basic human right and is essential to realizing the human right to the highest attainable standard of health.”

While the #NotChewedGum campaign focuses on the gross and backwards lessons of abstinence-only programs, the #ThxBirthControl campaign by Power to Decide celebrates the unlimited possibilities contraception gives individuals, couples, and families. People are encouraged to learn more about birth control and related legislation, share their stories, and ask questions, providing the comprehensive sexual education that should be in every classroom.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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7 Reasons You Should Go to Sex Therapy, According to a Sex Therapist

“A lot of times people hear ‘sex therapist’ and they think, ‘Oh, they’re teaching people sex positions,’” says Christopher Ryan Jones, Psy.D. “Honestly, that would be a relief if that’s all the job entailed—it would mean the world was a much better and kinder place!” And OK, we’ll admit it—when we thought about sex therapy we were kind of imagining some sort of Kama Sutra workshop. Well, it turns out that sex therapy can be helpful for a variety of issues and concerns (that have nothing to do with the lotus position). Here, seven common reasons someone might see a sex therapist.

1. The Two of You Are Bored Sexually

“Couples may come to sex therapy for any number of reasons,” says Jones. “They may feel that they have lost romantic feelings toward one another or one of the partners may want to explore areas of sexuality that the other partner is not comfortable with.” Another common concern? Mismatched libidos. “The focus of the therapy would be to open up communication to discuss their wants and desires, and also give the couples homework that would help them to rekindle their romance.” Extra credit optional.

2. You Have Difficulty Achieving Orgasm or Arousal

The first thing a sex therapist would do in this case is to have the person get a physical check-up from a doctor to make sure no medical conditions are causing the lack of arousal or lack of orgasm. “If things came back normal, I would then recommend sensate focus,” Jones tells us. This involves abstaining from sexual activities and instead focusing on touch and sensation (orgasming is actually discouraged during the course of this treatment). After a week or two of touching, Jones would suggest incorporating kissing and light oral play. “The length of the sensate therapy depends upon the individual and couple. Nevertheless, they would gradually increase the level of play until they do have intercourse.” The goal here is to take the pressure off orgasming and focus instead on the sensations and other pleasures of sex.

3. You’re Processing Sexual Trauma

“A person who has been sexually abused or raped may come to therapy for a number of issues—the most obvious reason is to find help dealing with the trauma,” says Jones. It’s common for someone who has had this type of experience to have difficulties being intimate, he tells us. But sex therapy can help a person overcome the traumatic experience and ensure that it doesn’t affect future sexual experiences.

4. You Think You Might Have Sexual Disorders or Dysfunctions

This can refer to a number of issues, including erectile dysfunction (“which is becoming more common with younger clients”), low sexual desire and sexual arousal disorder (“although these are only considered disorders if it causes distress to the client”). Things like vaginismus (involuntary muscle contractions in the vagina) and dyspareunia (pain during intercourse) are also valid reasons to seek help.

5. You’re Coping with a Sexually Transmitted Infection (STI)

“Oftentimes when a person is diagnosed with an STI, they are so shocked that they don’t really register what their medical provider is telling them. One of the jobs of a sex therapist is to educate the client on treatments and care, as well as safer sex practices to stop the transmission of STIs.” People who have an STI can also find it difficult to disclose this information to partners, which is also something that sex therapy can help with.

6. You’re Dealing with LGBTQ Issues

“People in the LGBTQ community often have issues of acceptance, prejudice and alienation. Sex therapy can help clients who have trouble coming out to their friends and family, and navigate the new dynamic that being open about their sexuality introduces.” It can also help individuals realize and accept what’s going on with themselves.

7. You Just Want to Talk About Basic Relationship Issues

Sex isn’t everything in a relationship, but it isn’t nothing either. “Relationship issues can range from helping couples learn to communicate better to discovering ways for them to regain their intimacy. The fact is that people change over time—their bodies change over time and the way they think changes over time. This sometimes makes the relationship a bit complicated.” But just because things change doesn’t mean you have to settle for a lackluster sex life. Here’s what Jones tells his clients: It’s their perception that needs to be changed. That excitement you felt when you first met can continue throughout the marriage, he says. “You can discover things your partner likes and how their body responds differently. This isn’t a bad thing—this can be very exciting and fulfilling.”

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