Tag: Sexual Misinformation

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Nearly a fifth of teenagers say internet main information source on sexual health

— Youngsters are turning to online sources to learn about sex which is leaving them vulnerable to potentially ‘dangerous’ information, a charity warned.

A poll suggests that 30% of young people turned to social media as their main source of information about sexual orientation and gender identity

By Eleanor Busby

Nearly a fifth of teenagers say the internet is their main source for information about sexual health and healthy relationships, a survey suggests.

Young people are turning to online sources to learn about relationships and sex which is leaving them vulnerable to potentially “dangerous” and “untrustworthy” information, the Sex Education Forum charity has warned.

A poll, of 1,001 students aged 16 and 17 in England, suggests that 30% of young people turned to social media as their main source of information about sexual orientation and gender identity, ahead of school (25%).

The survey, carried out by Censuswide on behalf of the charity in February, found that 22% of young people said the internet was their main source of information on pornography, while 15% said they turned to pornography itself as their main source of information on the topic.

Around a fifth said social media and websites were their main source of information about unhealthy relationships (21%), healthy relationships (18%) and sexual health (18%).

The findings, which have been shared with the PA news agency, come after the Government announced a review of its statutory relationships, sex and health education (RSHE) guidance for schools more than a year ago.

Delegates at the annual conference of the National Education Union last week warned that social media influencers, such as Andrew Tate, are contributing to a rise in sexism and misogyny which young girls are facing in schools.

The Sex Education Forum poll suggests nearly half of students learned nothing at all or not enough at school on power imbalances in relationships (49%), porn (49%) and how to access local sexual health services (46%).

More than two in five reported learning nothing at all or not enough at school on attitudes and behaviour of boys and men towards girls and women (44%) and on gender identity (44%).

The charity’s report on relationships and sex education (RSE) said: “It is clear that schools feel under-confident about delivering on some areas of the curriculum that are statutory, but are particularly taboo and politicised.

“The problem is that these gaps leave young people vulnerable to misinformation as they seek out knowledge from online sources like social media, or have no access to advice at all.”

Last month, the Women and Equalities Committee said there was compelling evidence that RSE is “failing young people” as it warned of soaring rates of sexually transmitted diseases,

More than four in five (81%) of the teenagers who were surveyed said they agreed that primary school children should be taught about the importance of consent for things like touching another person’s body, while 73% said they believed they should be warned about the harms of pornography.

More than half (56%) said children should see examples of same-sex relationships – included in stories, scenarios and discussion – in primary schools, while 53% said children should learn what trans and non-binary mean.

Teenage girls were more likely to say children should be taught about the importance of consent in primary school than their male peers (85% compared with 77%), the survey suggests.

Since September 2020, relationships and sex education has been compulsory in secondary schools in England, while relationships education has been compulsory in primary schools.

In March last year, Rishi Sunak announced a review of RSHE guidance for schools following concerns that children were being exposed to “inappropriate” content.

But the Department for Education (DfE) has yet to publish a consultation on the guidance.

When asked to select from a list of possible actions the Government could take to help improve RSE, more than half called for training for teachers to develop more confidence with the subject (57%), and flexibility for schools to cover RSE topics at the age that their pupils need (52%).

Lucy Emmerson, chief executive of the Sex Education Forum, said: “More than a year after announcing a review of the subject, we are still waiting for Government to release its promised consultation and refreshed guidance for relationships and sex education (RSE).

“While we hope these launch following the Easter recess, Westminster has been delaying this critical review despite the increasingly complex relationships landscape for young people and the well-documented harms impacting them, from sexual abuse and violence to poor sexual health.

“I am alarmed to find that students feel today’s biggest issues, including pornography and attitudes of men and boys towards women and girls, are not being adequately covered.

“Hearing that young people seek questionable or even dangerous information on outlets like social media to fill gaps on key topics should be a wake-up call that better provision is needed from schools for the safety of our pupils.

“Government must heed the voices of young people and release improved guidance that deals with their realities – and soon.”

The charity is calling on the Government to prioritise flexible “age and stage” relevant content and providing more teacher training.

Ms Emmerson added: “Neglecting young people’s views does the next generation a disservice by leaving them dependent on potentially untrustworthy online sources for information and ill-equipped for healthy relationships.”

Margaret Mulholland, inclusion specialist at the Association of School and College Leaders (ASCL), said: “It is extremely worrying that children are turning to the internet for information about sexual education and relationships as this information may be unreliable and harmful.

“We are very concerned, in particular, about the rise of online misogyny and the impact this is having on the behaviour of some young people.

“Schools play a crucial role in providing reliable and responsible information on these issues through their relationships, sex and health education programmes.

“However, they have been poorly supported by the Government in terms of resources and training and are expected to deliver this sensitive and complex topic within packed timetables and severe funding pressures.”

A Government spokesperson said: “As part of the current review of the RSHE curriculum, we are looking at where certain topics can be strengthened, in an age-appropriate and factual way.

“We want to ensure all children are safe online and so, through our world-leading Online Safety Act, social media firms are being required to protect children from being exposed to harmful material online, and the Education Secretary recently took robust action by prohibiting the use of mobile phones in schools.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Misconceptions about older adults’ sexuality can cause ageist beliefs.

— Here’s what one study found

Many people assume aging means losing interest in sex. A recent study sheds light on the misconceptions surrounding older adults’ sexual lives.

Society’s beliefs about aging and sex are complex and vary widely, but one common belief is that disinterest in sex is a standard part of aging. A recent study explores how misconceptions like these can complicate the acceptance of older adults’ sexual lives.

The study surveyed 270 young adults, ages 18 to 35, about their perceptions of sexuality in older adulthood, general attitudes towards sex and sex as a leisure activity. It was conducted by Liza Berdychevsky, professor of recreation, sport and tourism at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, and Iulia Fratila, an assistant professor of global and community health at George Mason University.

“The entire premise is: How do we combat ageism?” Berdychevsky said.

The study found that young adults have a moderate level of knowledge and are typically open-minded regarding later-life sexuality. But it also revealed the ageist views and misconceptions that can potentially harm older adults’ sexual expression.

More than one in four young adults surveyed incorrectly believed that sex might increase the chance of heart attacks for older folks. About 12% mistakenly thought that sex in later years could be bad for health overall. And roughly one in five were under the wrong impression that older men and women can’t be partners to each other for sex, thinking instead that they need younger partners for any sexual connection.

Older adults can internalize ageism, Fratila said, leading them to limit their willingness and confidence to seek help if issues with their sexual life do arise.

“We see a lot in movies, that older adults become asexual, or that it’s a dirty, creepy phenomenon to have sexual interest still as you get older,” Fratila said. “It might just hurt their psychological well-being and self-esteem, being marginalized or stereotyped in that way.”

It’s a shame, she said, because these false ideas “[don’t] allow people to actually pursue the maximum health that they can, given that sexual health is a part of our overall well-being.”

In an earlier study, Berdychevsky spoke with older adults about ageist beliefs they’ve encountered. Many said that at least some of these ideas came from uninformed health care providers or close family members — like adult children — who did not appreciate the idea of their parents having sexual relations.

The new study also found that some participants would be reluctant to admit a relative to a nursing home that allowed and supported sexual activity among its residents.

“I think they should view it through the lens of: Am I infringing on my relative’s sexual expression rights? And if the answer is yes, then rethink your position,” Berdychevsky said. “It’s up to them. The infrastructure for privacy and intimacy and sexual relationships need to be provided, and then it’s up to older adults whether to take advantage of that.”

Illinois Student Newsroom spoke with young people on the campus of the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, to see what they thought about the topic of aging and sex.

UIUC freshman Seher Bhaskar said sex is seen as taboo for older generations.

“It’s that idea that there’s a prime of your age – the idea that a senior citizen is not as capable as someone who’s younger,” Bhaskar said. “So we just feel that they’re just not part of normal life, so they shouldn’t be doing those ‘un-innocent’ activities.”

Numerous research studies show that sexual activity in later life has numerous health benefits, including improved cardiovascular function, relaxation, and decreased pain sensitivity and depressive symptoms. Fratila also noted the psychological and social benefits.

“It doesn’t stop after our reproductive years,” Fratila said. “This is something that can be a glue for relationships, it can be something that’s empowering for individuals when they’re able to practice safe sex, and sex that is adaptable to where they are in their life stage. It doesn’t have to look like how it [did] when you were younger.”

When asked what age they thought adults stopped having sex, Alex Lopez, a UIUC freshman, guessed somewhere in their 30s.

“I have no idea,” they said. “At least for me in middle school, I had no sex ed, and then in high school as well. I got educated by a friend of mine during a free period in a classroom.”

Berdychevsky said the next steps are to focus on developing appropriate sexual health education throughout life.

“It has to be tailored to [a] particular life stage with the focus that there’s no expiration date on sexuality,” Berdychevsky said. “It’s not only older adults. It’s not only younger adults. [Sex] can continue to be enjoyed, perhaps differently at every life stage, but it still comes with all its benefits.”

Better sexual education of young people, the researchers said, could help alleviate fears many young people have about mortality and aging.

Mallory Miller, a junior at UIUC, said she believes more representation would also be beneficial. 

“We only hear about sex with people who have the ‘perfect’ bodies or early 20-year-olds or college students,” Miller said. “You don’t even realize that it happens at all ages. I think it’d be great if we could change that mental imagery to something that’s more inclusive.”

Currently, Berdychevsky is spearheading another project – an app with tailored sexual health education messages for older adults. Her team has already developed 30 modules and is working on an algorithm and screener.

“Every good thing in our life requires some work, and ageist stereotypes tend to inhibit some people’s ability to do that work because it’s not viewed as worthy or as appropriate or whatnot,” Berdychevsky said. “Removing that ageist inhibition is so crucially important, so that people could act upon their change in needs and desires and get that fulfillment that they’re looking for.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Misinformation Is on the Rise.

— Here’s What You Need to Know About Birth Control.

Three Black reproductive experts discuss how to access birth control, navigate the misinformation online, and understand what’s unfolding politically.

By Margo Snipe

It’s been a tricky landscape since Roe v. Wade was overturned almost two years ago, as reproductive health care has become increasingly complicated to navigate — and misinformation is on the rise.

Not only are the attacks on abortion care merging with limits on the availability of infertility treatment, but the same court that reversed the constitutional protection for abortion will hear arguments this week on restricting access to mifepristone, one of two medications commonly used to induce an abortion. And on the state level, new bills are aiming to cut back contraception options.

In Oklahoma, one bill in the state legislature has sparked questions about whether it might ban emergency contraception — like the day-after Plan B pill — and intrauterine devices, or IUDs. Part of it targets contraception that prevents the implantation of a fertilized egg. At the same time, some birth control options are expanding. This month, Opill, the first over-the-counter birth control pill, began sales. And, under a new policy, New York pharmacists can dispense certain hormonal contraceptives without a prescription.

Capital B asked three Black reproductive health care experts some of the big questions about how to access birth control, navigate the misinformation online, and understand what’s unfolding politically. Here’s what you need to know.

What is the difference between abortion care and birth control?

Amid the uptick in misinformation, experts want patients to understand there is a distinct difference between abortion care and birth control. Birth control, like the pill and IUDs, is not abortion inducing, doctors say.

While both are considered a part of reproductive health care, birth control, also called contraception, is intended to prevent pregnancy before it occurs and is often discussed and prescribed by gynecologists, which are doctors who specialize in women’s reproductive health systems. 

“Birth control is acting to fundamentally prevent pregnancy,” said Dr. Alexandra Wells, an OB-GYN in Washington state. It works by stopping sperm from meeting the egg, she said.

Abortion care is separate. It terminates an already existing pregnancy, either out of patient choice up to a certain time period or medical necessity. It takes place after folks know they are pregnant and is typically managed by obstetricians, or doctors that focus on the pregnancy of patients. Many practitioners have their training in both gynecology and obstetrics.

Over the past year, how has the landscape over available birth control changed?

With so many different bills being introduced in states across the country, aiming to both limit and expand access to reproductive health care, the amount of misinformation spreading across social media platforms is surging.

While birth control and abortion care are different, the landscape in terms of access to both is shifting nationwide.

Soon after the 2022 Dobbs decision reversing federal abortion protections, when states began moving to restrict abortion, many physicians were concerned about the implications on birth control, said Dr. Yolanda Lawson, a Texas-based OB-GYN. It was not the first time. Several years prior, in the Burwell v. Hobby Lobby case, the U.S. Supreme Court decided that corporations run by religious families cannot be required to pay for insurance coverage for contraception care.

More recently, changes in abortion care have also trickled into changes in birth control access and infertility treatment for families. When reproductive health care clinics offering abortions close, other  services are impacted, said Wells, who’s also a fellow with Physicians for Reproductive Health. The good news is technology is making online access to birth control options more accessible. Many options can be mailed and are often covered by insurance, she said.

Opill is now available, adding to the many other options, including condoms, spermicide, the ring, IUDs, implants, patches and cycle tracking.

How do I know what’s happening with access to birth control in my state?

There is no comprehensive, central location for all of this information, said Jennifer Driver, senior director of reproductive rights at SiX, an organization that works with elected officials after they win office. The federal Title X family planning websites have a lot of information and resources for patients, said Driver. The best way to find out what is happening with legislation is directly through the state legislator. On each website, you can see what bills are being introduced and which representatives may have brought it forth.

Local news coverage from trusted outlets may also break down what bills are impacting your reproductive health care. Experts caution against relying on social media for health information, given the sheer amount of misinformation and myths.

Do IUDs induce abortions?

No. The devices work by thickening the mucus along the uterine wall, making it difficult for sperm to migrate and meet with the egg, preventing fertilization.

“It’s a simple mechanism, but it really works,” said Lawson, who’s also the president of the National Medical Association. It prevents conception. They are 99.9% effective at preventing pregnancy.

What birth control is now available?

Condoms, spermicide, contraceptive sponges, apps to track your menstrual cycle, emergency contraception like Plan B, and most recently Opill, are all birth control options that do not require a prescription from a doctor.

Some hormonal contraceptives require either a prescription or insertion by a medical provider. Those include the ring, IUDs, implants, contraceptive injections, and birth control pills. Sterilization is also an option regardless of the gender of the patient.

“It’s really amazing that women have so many contraception options,” said Lawson. There is some slight variation in how well each works, she said. “There are options that our grandmothers and even mothers did not have. I hope women are empowered by that.”

It’s also important to make sure you feel comfortable with your provider, said Wells. You should feel free to ask questions about how each contraceptive option works and might impact your body.

A lot of birth control options are covered by insurance, and many clinics and health centers may offer free condoms. Some birth control pill companies offer discounts on their websites.

If you’re uninsured, many freestanding health clinics offer sliding scale payment options based on your household income and ability to pay, which could bring the price down.

How do I know what my best birth control option is?

It’s important to understand your medical history, said Wells. In person or online, your provider may ask about your history with high blood pressure, blood clots, and conditions like lupus. Those conditions may preclude the use of certain forms of contraception.

People should also consider their lifestyle and goals, she said. For example, the IUD requires a one-time insertion every handful of years depending on the types, whereas the pill requires patients to take them at the same time each day. Each option offers a different level of independence. The pill can be stopped at any time. The IUD and implant require an appointment with a provider to remove.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Lack of sex education in GOP states puts students at risk

An assortment of contraceptives such as Plan B and condoms provided by Planned Parenthood Generation Action at the Sex and Relationships photoshoot. Sex-ed is an important part of K-12 education, and the risk of losing the curriculum in schools can lead to an increase in unwanted teen pregnancies and STIs.

By Sunjae Lee

Although it may be a cliche, there is some truth to the trope ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ — whether it be through teachers, pediatricians, athletic coaches or politicians who create laws directly affecting youth. But in some states across the U.S., the adults in charge of youth policies are not doing their part in ensuring quality education for all.

According to an Associated Press article, GOP-led states are at risk of losing sex education curricula in their schools. This idea was amplified after the emergence of the “parents’ rights” movement, whose main concern is dismantling inclusive LGBTQ+ sex education. Republican leaders and parents are trying to ensure that it is the parents’ choice to allow their children to take part in any sex education.

So what can we expect in the absence of sex education at K-12 institutions if these policies are implemented?

Lack of sex education for all youth may lead to an increase in unwanted teen pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Since GOP state leaders tend to oppose abortion rights, minimizing unwanted pregnancy is crucial in these states to protect teens from potential physical, emotional and financial harms. In fact, teen birth rates are much higher in states that ban abortion and have minimal sex education curricula.

Moreover, the number of contracted sexually transmitted disease (STD) cases has risen again since the COVID-19 pandemic — reaching more than 2.5 million cases of syphilis, gonorrhea and chlamydia according to the CDC’s 2022 statistics.

GOP-led states are especially at higher risk; out of the top 10 states with the highest rate of STDs, eight are Republican-controlled states.

Many of the Republican voters who oppose mandatory sex education argue that it is the parents’ responsibility to determine what constitutes appropriate sex education for their children. But this begs the question: is sex education really taught at home?

According to OnePoll, one in five parents are not willing to have conversations about sexual matters with their kids at all. Even the parents who discuss sex education with their kids tend to avoid more complex topics, such as birth control and consent.

While sex education in schools is taught by qualified instructors, parents may not have the same level of professional expertise. Not only do they tend to avoid harder topics, but their own lack of education can lead to misinformation. For instance, older generations who are more socially conservative may be more likely to still believe in myths regarding sexual assault, such as victim-blaming for dressing or acting in a “sexually provoking way,” or believing that victims could have prevented it if they wanted to. A study from the International Society for the Study of Individual Differences’ journal proves that individuals with sexually conservative views are more likely to accept these myths.

Furthermore, teenagers are more likely to seek sexual information from peers and teachers than parents. We must keep these resources open, allowing for spaces where minors feel comfortable participating in honest outreach discussions.

The controversy surrounding sex education in public schools has been a longstanding issue, but it significantly escalated recently in GOP-led states due to opposition from parents and politicians who are reluctant to incorporate LGBTQ+ topics. The “Don’t Say Gay Bill” in Florida exemplifies the strong aversion for such discussions in politically conservative states. Given that the inclusion of LGBTQ+ sexual health in the curricula is the biggest concern among Republican-controlled states, should schools offer LGBTQ+ exclusive sex education to satisfy everyone?

The main reason why LGBTQ-inclusive sex education is important is that gender and sexually-marginalized youth are at a higher risk for sexual health issues such as STIs, sexual activity under the influence and dating violence.

LGBTQ+ youth are also far less likely to have open sex discussions with their parents. Even if they do, unless their parents are part of the community themselves, it is often difficult for kids to receive useful and accurate information specifically concerning their sexual health. It is important that schools protect LGBTQ+ youth by providing adequate education to prevent against poor health outcomes and lack of support within their homes.

Sex education is a shared responsibility between schools and parents. While schools need to provide children with quality health education, they also need a welcoming environment at home to seek answers. Instead, youth are struggling to find proper information in a world where open discussions about sex and sexual diversity are considered taboo. In each of our villages, adults and educators are responsible for ensuring safe environments and comprehensive education for all youth, including the LGBTQ+ community.

Since not everyone is privileged enough to receive quality sex education at home, K-12 schools provide necessary education for everyone regardless of socioeconomic status, family background and sexual orientation. When giving equal educational opportunities is the main function of primary and secondary schools, how is it acceptable to exclude one of the most important subjects?

Sex education is directly related to a person’s physical, emotional and social well-being. The World Health Organization defines sexual health as “a state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being in relation to sexuality.” Teaching adolescents about sexual health ensures a better quality of life overall.

According to a study from the Journal of Adolescent Health conducted with adolescent women, better sexual health is associated with better social integration, higher self-esteem, less substance use and lower self-reported depression. Another study from the Frontiers in Reproductive Health Journal suggests that among male adolescents, mental and reproductive health are intertwined; poor sexual health leads to poor mental health and vice versa.

Hence, comprehensive sex education can prevent many health issues and encourage healthy habits in various aspects of life. Minimizing sex education curricula means young people who are not fortunate enough to have sexually accepting and knowledgeable parents will have to learn on their own while risking their sexual health.

Conservatives’ irrational fear of healthy relationships being formed between members of same sex and non-binary gender identities, along with their false beliefs of comprehensive sex education encouraging reckless sex, are putting children at risk — including their own. What may hurt their kids is delaying essential education, as well as restricting exposure to healthy homosexual love or confident transgender people. The exclusion of proper sex education may leave people with irreversible consequences, such as unwanted pregnancy, HIV or sexual trauma.

Children should be set up for success, not put in a position where they have to rely on misinformation or the internet to be taught healthy sexual habits.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How the anti-gender movement is bringing us closer to authoritarianism

An all-gender restroom in San Francisco.

By Judith Butler

In the United States, gender has been considered a relatively ordinary term. We are asked to check a box on a form, and most of us do so without giving it too much thought. But some of us don’t like checking the box and think there should be either many more boxes or perhaps none at all. The myriad, continuing debates about gender show that no one approach to defining or understanding it reigns. It’s no longer a mundane box to be checked on official forms.

The anti-gender ideology movement, however, treats the range of sometimes conflicting ideas about gender as a monolith, frightening in its power and reach.

The fear of “gender” allows existing powers — states, churches, political movements — to frighten people to come back into their ranks, to accept censorship and to externalize their fear and hatred onto vulnerable communities. Those powers not only appeal to existing fears that many working people have about the future of their work or the sanctity of their family life but also incite those fears, insisting, as it were, that people conveniently identify gender as the true cause of their feelings of anxiety and trepidation about the world.

The project of restoring the world to a phantasmatic time before gender promises a return to a patriarchal dream order that only a strong state can restore. The shoring up of state powers, including the courts, implicates the anti-gender movement in a broader authoritarian, even fascist project. We see the rolling back of progressive legislation and the targeting of sexual and gender minorities as dangers to society, as exemplifying the most destructive force in the world, in order to strip them of their fundamental rights, protections and freedoms.

Consider the allegation that “gender” — whatever it is — puts children at risk through programs such as reading books with queer characters cast as examples of indoctrination or seduction. The fear of children being harmed, the fear that the family, or one’s own family, will be destroyed, that “man” will be dismantled, including the men and man that some of us are, that a new totalitarianism is descending upon us, are all fears that are felt quite deeply by those who have committed themselves to the eradication of “gender” — the word, the concept, the academic field and the various social movements it has come to signify.

The resulting authoritarian restrictions on freedom abound, whether through establishing LGBTQ+-free zones in Poland or strangling progressive educational curricula in Florida that address gender freedom and sexuality in sex education. But no matter how intently authoritarian forces attempt to restrict freedoms, the fact that the categories of women and men shift historically and contextually is undeniable. New gender formations are part of history and reality. Gender is, in reality, minimally the rubric under which we consider changes in the way that men, women and other such categories have been understood.

As an educator, I am inclined to say to these people, “Let’s read some key texts in gender studies together and see what gender does and does not mean and whether the caricature holds up.” Reading is a precondition of democratic life, keeping debate and disagreement grounded and productive.

Sadly, such a strategy rarely works.

A woman in Switzerland once came up to me after a talk I gave and said, “I pray for you.” I asked why. She explained that the Scripture says that God created man and woman and that I, through my books, had denied the Scripture. She added that male and female are natural and that nature was God’s creation. I pointed out that nature admits of complexity and that the Bible itself is open to some differing interpretations, and she scoffed. I then asked if she had read my work, and she replied, “No! I would never read such a book!” I realized that reading a book on gender would be, for her, trafficking with the devil. Her view resonates with the demand to take books on gender out of the classroom and the fear that those who read such books are contaminated by them or subject to an ideological inculcation, even though those who seek to restrict these books have typically never read them.

To refuse gender is, sadly, to refuse to encounter the complexity that one finds in contemporary life across the world. The anti-gender movement opposes thought itself as a danger to society — fertile soil for the horrid collaboration of fascist passions with authoritarian regimes.

We need to take a stand against the anti-gender movement in the name of breathing and living free from the fear of violence.

Transnational coalitions should gather and mobilize everyone the anti-gender ideology movement has targeted. The internecine fights within the field must become dynamic and productive conversations and confrontations, however difficult, within an expansive movement dedicated to equality and justice. Coalitions are never easy, but where conflicts cannot be resolved, movements can still move ahead together with an eye focused on the common sources of oppression.

Whether or not people are assigned a gender at birth or assume one in time, they can really love being the gender that they are and reject any effort to disturb that pleasure. They seek to strut and celebrate, express themselves and communicate the reality of who they are. No one should take away that joy, as long as those people do not insist that their joy is the only possible one. Importantly, however, many endure suffering, ambivalence and disorientation within existing categories, especially the one to which they were assigned at birth. They can be genderqueer or trans, or something else, and they are seeking to live life as the body that makes sense to them and lets life be livable, if not joyous. Whatever else gender means, it surely names for some a felt sense of the body, in its surfaces and depths, a lived sense of being a body in the world in this way.

As much as someone might want to clutch a single idea of what it is to be a woman or a man, the historical reality defeats that project and makes matters worse by insisting on genders that have all along exceeded the binary alternatives. How we live that complexity, and how we let others live, thus becomes of paramount importance.

There is still much to be understood about gender as a structural problem in society, as an identity, as a field of study, as an enigmatic and highly invested term that circulates in ways that inspire some and terrify others. We have to keep thinking about what we mean by it and what others mean when they find themselves up in arms about the term.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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LGBTQ+ in Africa

— How the US far-right whips up homophobia

Sexual minorities say they have faced a wave of abuse since Uganda’s harsh anti-LGBTQ+ law was enacted last year

Tough laws targeting homosexual acts or abortion in African nations are often preceded by lobbying from American hard-liners. Often well-financed, these networks campaign against equality and diversity.

By Martina Schwikowski

Fundamentalist Christian churches from the United States are increasingly gaining power and influence in societies and political spheres across Africa. Many of them have been whipping up negative sentiments against LGBTQ+ people and abortion rights.

Haley McEwen, a sociologist at the University of Gothenburg in Sweden, has examined some of their influential networks.

“US Christian right-wing groups have been very active in the US foreign policy since the early 2000s,” McEwen told DW.

“There are several organizations that have been around since the 1970s — and in the early 2000s they started to increase their influence internationally.”

A protester joins supporters of the LGBTQ+ community as they stage a protest against a planned lecture by Kenyan academic Patrik Lumumba at the University of Cape Town
Conservative activists often portray LGBTQ+ people as alien imports who threaten African societies

The groups have expanded into African countries like Uganda, Nigeria, Kenya, Ghana and South Africa.

According to McEwen, the networks also focused on UN organizations “in response to the advances being made by the international feminist movement to gain recognition of sexual and reproductive health and rights within the UN frameworks.”

‘Hatred from outside our history’

These conservative activists — who describe themselves as “pro family” — seem only interested in safeguarding one special type of family: heterosexual, monogamous nuclear families ordained by marriage.

“We continue to advocate that this is hatred that is deliberately being stirred, that it is not organic and not within our history and it is actually producing the conditions for violence and assault of LGBTQ+ persons in Kenya,”Irungu Houghton, Kenya director at Amnesty International, told DW.

Homosexuality has always been being practiced discreetly in what is now Kenya, according to Houghton. British colonialists enacted the first laws that criminalized gay sex in the 1930s.

Influence comes with money

These days, it’s African leaders who introduce the new laws — which is why they’ve been targeted by far-right networks from the US.

According to McEwen, these groups want to win over African leaders in order to implement what is being described as “family friendly agendas” — both in their home countries and internationally at the United Nations.

McEwen said this influence was also being exerted by funding African organizations which domestically propagate “nuclear family” policies and oppose LGBTQ+ rights and comprehensive sexuality education.

There is a homegrown network of such groups in Africa, but according to McEwen, they heavily rely on funding from outside Africa.

Who’s funding the anti-LGBTQ+ sentiment?

UK-based media platform openDemocracy published a 2020 report that examined more than 20 American Christian groups.

The paper revealed that the groups — which are known for their campaigns against LGBTQ+ rights, access to safe abortion, contraceptives and comprehensive sex education — have spent at least $54 million (€49.5 million) in Africa since 2007.

One of these groups is Christian conservative organization Family Watch International (FWI) which, according to openDemocracy “has has been coaching high-ranking African politicians … to oppose comprehensive sexuality education (CSE) across the continent.”

Uganda signs anti-LGBTQ bill into law

In May 2023, Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni signed one of the world’s toughest anti-LGBTQ+ laws — including the death penalty for “aggravated homosexuality” — drawing Western condemnation and risking sanctions from aid donors.

According to activist Frank Mugisha, director of Sexual Minorities Uganda, FWI was highly influential in the genesis of Uganda’s legislation.

However, FWI said in a statement on its website that it is “opposed to the Uganda Anti-Homosexuality Act 2023” and it “opposes legislation that penalizes a person for having same-sex sexual attractions or for their gender identity.”

“Family Watch opposes the death penalty or harsh penalties in the context of Uganda’s pending law and other similar bills,” according to the statement.

Africa’s tough anti-LGBTQ+ laws ‘stirring up hatred and acrimony’

Shortly afterward, Uganda passed the law, and a Kenyan lawmaker proposed a bill that has often been described as “copy paste” of the Ugandan law. The Kenyan bill is still undergoing parliamentary procedures.

In Ghana, a similar bill was recently passed by parliament. But it’s still unclear when and whether president Nana Akufo-Addo will sign it into law.

“There is a direct link between the emergence of hate bills in Uganda and Ghana and now Kenya with these interests,” said Amnesty’s Houghton.

“We have been very concerned that this is not only focusing on stirring up hatred and acrimony between societies but is also focusing on reversing many gains with regards to comprehensive sex education and sexual productive health rights.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Struggling With Sex After 50?

— Expert Tips To Build Intimacy At Any Age

By Juliana Hauser, PhD

We are often taught there is a “right” and “wrong” way to experience and explore sexuality. That’s a total myth.

As a sex and relationship counselor, I’ve seen firsthand the value of expanding our view of sexuality to include topics such as body compassion, clear communication, and sexual well-being. Doing so shows us the wide range of possibilities to explore for a vibrant life, sexually and beyond.

Here are a few tips for enhancing sexual connections using the principles of “holistic sexuality,” no matter your age:

1 Experiment with self-pleasure of all kinds

Too often, we’re told that “successful” sex results in orgasm, placing orgasms as the reason for sex outside of procreation. We put so much pressure on achieving or giving an orgasm that we lose sight of the true pursuit—pleasure!

Orgasms are wonderful, but there are so many deliciously pleasurable ways to sexually connect with yourself and others.

To think beyond intercourse, consider what in your daily life brings you pleasure: the first sip of coffee, your favorite song. Bring your senses into focus and dive into the sensuality of each moment. This practice can quickly enliven your sexual pleasure as you begin to connect with what lights you up throughout the day.

2 Build your sexual tool kit

A survey conducted by Harris Poll in October 2023 found that more than half of women 50+ (52%) have a sexual toolbox to support their sexual experiences. Once you have a self-pleasure practice in tune with what you like and want, sex toys and products can enhance your sexual well-being.

For example, you can expand your potential for pleasure by using a vaginal moisturizer if you’re experiencing any pain or discomfort during sex. Two of my favorite products from Kindra (a menopause and intimacy company that I partner with) are the Daily Vaginal Lotion and V Relief Serum—both are gentle enough for everyday use and incredibly supportive of pleasure.

Preferences change over time, and it may also be time to incorporate some new tools into your routine. Remember to give yourself permission to try things that may end up being a no for you, and keep an open mind to an expanded view of pleasure.

3 Prioritize connection

Now that you’ve laid the groundwork for a deeper understanding of yourself and your pleasure, bring your knowledge to your partnership!

There are many reasons why sexual connection becomes deprioritized once we hit midlife, and they vary from couple to couple. As we grow with our relationships, it’s vital to nourish connection and intimacy. And you don’t necessarily need sexual intimacy or physical connection to do so at first.

A great way to kick-start connection with a partner (or solo) is by completing the Four Quadrant Exercise. Here’s how it’s done:

  • Come to this exercise with vulnerability, patience, curiosity, and an open mind.
  • Divide a paper into four quadrants, one for each prompt: what you have done that you like sexually, what you haven’t done that you want to try sexually, what you have done that you don’t want to do again sexually, and what you haven’t done that you don’t want to try sexually.
  • Write down everything you can think of (feel free to browse for new ideas, too!).
  • If you are doing this exercise with your partner, after you’ve both explored, see what your commonalities and differences are, and use them as a springboard for connection.

4 Seek out support as needed

Even when we incorporate new practices into our daily routines and try new products, sometimes we still need some outside support. Working with a sex counselor or therapist can help you work on your personal goals across all areas of life—relationally, sexually, and beyond.

If you have discomfort during sex, you might explore seeing a pelvic floor physical therapist, an OB/GYN, or another health professional to better understand what is going on for you. It’s incredibly important that you know the best practices for taking care of your sexual well-being, and it’s never too late. You deserve pain-free sexuality at all stages of life.

The takeaway

You have a right to the kind of sexual life you want to have. Improving your sexual life means learning what you want and need, what tools and resources are supportive, and connecting daily to what brings pleasure, joy, and connection—to yourself first and foremost and then to your partner and others around you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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6 astonishing penis facts they didn’t teach you in biology

We bet they didn’t teach you you’re erection is 30% longer than you can see

By

School biology lessons can sometimes be a case of a teacher trying to impart the basic facts about sex to a group of giggly teenagers.

And while the trusty basics are a great place to start, there is so much more about penises and erections that we bet they didn’t teach you.

Our sexual health is something we should be all clued up about and our favourite Dr Danae Maragouthakis, from Yoxly, an Oxford-based sexual health start-up, is an Instagram doctor who knows all their is to know about our genitals.

We’ve already covered penis misconceptions, now it’s the time for the hard facts…

There are three types of erection

If you get an erection you may not think much about how you actually became aroused.

But, when your penis gets hard there are actually three different categories of erection it can fall into.

A bunch of bananas with one banana sticking up, suggestive of an erection
There are three different types of erections men can have

A subconscious erection is the first type. These hard ons usually occur when you’re dreaming – you won’t need physiological or physical stimulations.

Psychogenic erections are the result of sexual fantasies either fulfilled in reality or in porn, where your body responds to visual stimuli.

The third and final type of erection is the reflexogenic erection. This is an erection which happens because of direct physical stimulation to the penis.

You don’t need an erection to orgasm

We usually associate an orgasm with an erection but you don’t necessarily need to be hard to finish.

So if you can’t get it up, that doesn’t mean you can’t sometimes still have a satisfying end to getting it on.

Some people can experience an orgasm without being fully erect, while some men have reported being able to orgasm with just their prostate being massaged.

Penile stimulation isn’t always a necessity.

Up to half your erection is hidden

Your penis is actually a lot longer than it looks
Your penis is actually a lot longer than it looks

Men, your penis is actually a lot longer than it looks.

About 30% of the tissues that make up the male erection are internal, so you can’t see it from the outside.

This means a third or even up to a half of your hard on is hidden.

Penises have penile spines

Don’t panic, your penis doesn’t actually have spines! But, while humans don’t have penile spines, plenty of closely related animals do.

These spines are pointed, keratinised structures found in the genitalia of several animals, which may help to induce ovulation or enhance sensation during sexual activity.

Our distant relative – the chimpanzee – has penile spines, as well as cats, bats and cute fluffy koalas down under.

Myth: The penis is a muscle

Wrong.

Danae tells Metro.co.uk: ‘Some people believe that the penis is a muscle that can be exercised to increase size or improve sexual performance.

‘The penis is not a muscle. It looks like muscle because it gets hard when it fills with blood when it gets an erection but it’s actually made predominantly of spongey tissue and blood vessels.

‘When someone fractures their penis, they break the blood vessels that run in the penis and tear the soft tissue. It’s incredibly painful and really dangerous, that’s a medical emergency.

‘Seek medical attention immediately because if you compromise the blood flow to those tissues, they can die.’

Beetroot and oysters could give you better erections

Dr Danae also said that consuming foods that are high in Nitric Oxide can help blood flow, thus improving your erections.

Foods high in Nitric Oxide are dark chocolate, beets, garlic, watermelon and leafy green veggies.

You might finally have a reason to try oysters too! Foods that are high in zinc are important for good testosterone levels and sperm production.

This includes the divisive shellfish, as well as beef, chicken, nuts and beans.

As seems to be the rule of thumb for every part of your body, drinking plenty of water means you’ll be hydrated and promote healthy blood flow, which can only be good for your erections.

Beetroot and leafy greens could help give you better erections
Beetroot and leafy greens could help give you better erections

Smoking-related erectile dysfunction can be reversed

While there is a misconception that smoking can actually shrink your penis there is no scientific evidence to that point.

However, this doesn’t mean the effects of smoking on your body don’t take their toll on your sexual performance and satisfaction.

What you probably did learn in biology is that smoking constricts your blood flow, but they may not have touched upon the fact that means you won’t always get sufficient blood flow to your genitals.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Overcoming Adult Toys Stigma

— Embracing Pleasure Without Shame

In today’s society, the stigma surrounding adult toys can often prevent individuals from fully embracing their sexuality and exploring pleasure without shame. This unnecessary guilt not only suppresses personal growth but can also impact one’s overall mental and physical well-being.

Adult toys, when used responsibly, can provide numerous health benefits. They allow us to better understand our desires, preferences, and fantasies, which helps improve our self-confidence and self-awareness. If you want to take a look at some of these, visit Inya Rose.

Additionally, incorporating adult toys into our intimate experiences can significantly enhance pleasure and happiness, while reducing stress and anxiety.

Origins of Adult Toy Stigma

kama sutra

The stigma surrounding adult toys and sexual pleasure can be traced back to societal beliefs and norms throughout history. In many traditional cultures, open discussions on sexuality were discouraged and, as a result, misconceptions and taboos around the intercourse persisted.

These beliefs and attitudes led to shame and embarrassment surrounding the topic of physical pleasure. Consequently, the use of adult toys, seen as a manifestation of one’s pursuit of pleasure, faced taboo as well.

Ancient societies had diverse views towards sexual pleasure:

  • Greek and Roman civilizations embraced sexuality as a natural and healthy aspect of life. Sexual exploration and the use of pleasure devices were considered acceptable.
  • Middle Ages and Christianity brought a shift in attitudes, with conservative beliefs and self-restraint surrounding sexuality becoming prevalent. Sexual devices were stigmatized and seen as sinful.
  • Victorian era further cemented this stigma, with strict moral codes and a culture of prudery. Sexual desires and adult toy usage were kept secret and frowned upon.

Evolution of Norms

Over time, there has been a progressive shift towards a more open, inclusive, and destigmatized understanding of sexuality and pleasure. The 20th century marked a significant change in societal attitudes, with key milestones driving this transformation:

  • 1960s & 1970s: This period saw widespread change in sexual behavior, attitudes, and sexual liberation. Discussions surrounding sexuality grew more open, and the use of adult toys started to gain acceptance.
  • The late 20th century: Mass media played a crucial role in breaking taboos and promoting a healthier attitude towards sex. Movies, books, and television shows began tackling topics like pleasure, exploration, and the use of adult toys.
  • 21st century: The Internet has expanded access to information and resources, further contributing to the normalization of sexual pleasure and adult toy usage. Online stores, communities, and forums have made it easier for individuals to learn about and purchase adult toys confidentially.

Gender Differences and Expectations

Gender Differences

Adult toy stigma revolves around various factors such as gender, socio-cultural beliefs, and personal attitudes. Women who own adult toys may face more judgment or disgrace than their male counterparts. This disparity often stems from traditional gender roles and society’s expectations of what is deemed sexually appropriate for each gender.

Women are often expected to be sexually reserved and demure. When they embrace adult toys, they may be labeled as promiscuous or deviant, leading to stigmatization. This restricts women from exploring their desires and fantasies and reinforcing the idea that pleasure is only for men.

Men, on the other hand, are often assumed to be more sexually expressive and adventurous. While they might also face some judgment because of societal norms, it’s generally more accepted for men to use adult toys.

Our collective effort in challenging these gender stereotypes and breaking the barrier of shame around sexual pleasure is vital in overcoming the adult toy stigma.

Role of Education in Combating Myths

An essential factor in dismantling adult toy stigma is education. Misinformation and misconceptions around adult toys can reinforce negative beliefs and make people hesitant to own or discuss them.

A comprehensive and sex-positive education can help bridge the knowledge gap and create a more open mindset towards sexual exploration and pleasure. It reduces shame and embarrassment by debunking myths and presenting accurate information about adult toys and their benefits.

Schools, parents, and healthcare professionals should prioritize honest discussions and provide a safe space for people to learn and express themselves without fear.

Access to unbiased and informative resources can help individuals form a balanced view on adult toys, overcoming the misconceptions and gender biases associated with them. By curating articles, studies, and forums online, we can encourage open conversations, normalize the use of adult toys, and stress their significance in sexual health and personal wellbeing.

The Psychological Impact of Sexual Shame

Sexual shame can profoundly affect an individual’s mental well-being, influencing their emotions, self-worth, and interpersonal connections. It often stems from a variety of sources, including societal expectations, cultural norms, or personal experiences. Internalizing negative perceptions about sex and pleasure can lead to feelings of guilt and embarrassment, particularly in the context of using adult toys.

This kind of shame can aggravate mental health issues like depression and anxiety. Our emotional health is closely linked to our sexual experiences, and the presence of shame can create obstacles to achieving intimacy and experiencing pleasure. Moreover, the stigma surrounding sexuality can impede open communication with partners, which can strain relationships and reinforce harmful beliefs.

Overcoming Internalized Negative Beliefs

In order to embrace pleasure without shame, it’s important to address and overcome internalized negative beliefs about sex and adult toy use. Here are some steps we can take:

  • Education: Learn about healthy sexuality and the benefits of using adult toys. Knowledge can be empowering, helping dismantle misconceptions and reduce stigma.
  • Self-acceptance: Embrace our desires and understand that sexual pleasure is a natural part of human experience. Recognizing that adult toys can enhance our sex lives and relationships is a crucial step.
  • Open communication: Engage in honest conversations with partners or supportive communities to discuss sexual desires, fantasies, and adult toy preferences. This can foster understanding, break down barriers, and normalize these topics.

Closing Thoughts

couple hands

Approaching adult toys with openness and a positive attitude is essential. This mindset helps in breaking down the stigmas associated with their use, leading to a more open, inclusive, and respectful discourse on sexuality and pleasure. It is vital to always prioritize and respect consent and boundaries in any sexual journey. Upholding these fundamental principles is key to a healthy and respectful exploration of sexuality.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Happens During an Orgasm?

— Here’s what science says about what your body goes through during the big moment.

By Izzie Price

Orgasms form a fundamental part of the human experience. They’re a natural biological process and are likely to take up a fair amount of time in our heads—whether we love them or fret about them.

How often have you worried that the sex was terrible because you or your partner didn’t orgasm? If you’re a woman, how many times have you worried that it “didn’t count” as an orgasm because you didn’t ejaculate?

More importantly, though, do you even know what’s going on in your body when you orgasm? Do you know about the many health benefits orgasms offer? Do you even know what an orgasm is?

What follows is a look into the science behind an orgasm, including the physicality of what’s happening. In addition, experts debunk some common orgasm myths.

What happens to your body during an orgasm?

“Orgasm, or sexual climax, is the peak of sexual excitement,” said Alyssa Dweck, M.D., a gynecologist in Westchester County, New York, and a sexual health and reproductive expert for Intimina, a brand of products focused on women’s intimate health. “Orgasm results in rhythmic muscular contractions in the pelvis—that is the uterus, vagina and anus. There are also elevated pulse and blood pressure, and rapid breathing.”

Dweck emphasized the psychological implications of orgasm related to the brain, including its release of the following:

  • Dopamine, which is the pleasure hormone
  • Oxytocin, which is the cuddling and bonding hormone
  • Serotonin, which is involved with mood, cognition, reward and memory
  • Endorphins, which influence pain perception, relaxation and mood enhancement

Sounds pretty good, right? What happens in your body that results in this physical and psychological burst of pleasure and excitement?

The process of orgasm can be broken down into four separate phases—arousal, plateau, orgasm and resolution—according to Masters and Johnson’s Human Sexual Response Cycle course.

“The excitement or arousal phase can last minutes or hours,” said Rachel Wright, M.A., L.M.F.T., a New York-based psychotherapist and host of “The Wright Conversations Podcast.” “Muscles get a little tense, your vagina may get wet, your skin may get flushed, your heart rate and breathing accelerating, your nipples may become hard and the breasts are becoming fuller.

“A penis will become erect and the vaginal walls will swell. The testes swell, the scrotum tightens and often the penis will secrete a lubricating liquid.”

It’s safe to say, then, that there’s a lot going on in the body when we get aroused. Things don’t slow down when we reach the plateau phase, either. Wright described it as “the excitement intensifying right up to orgasm in which the vagina swells from blood flow.”

The vaginal walls turn dark purple during this stage, Wright added. Then there’s the main event, which is the shortest phase of all.

“Some indicators of orgasm include involuntary muscle contractions, a rash or ‘sex flush,’ muscles in your feet may spasm, and you might feel a sudden or forceful release of sexual tension,” she said. “Your blood pressure and heart rate are at their highest rate at this point.”

For men, an orgasm triggers similar rhythmic contractions at the base of the penis. They result in the semen being released.

Are orgasms good for you?

The sheer amount of physiology associated with orgasms and the number of feel-good chemicals produced in the brain as a result seem to indicate orgasms are a biological necessity. Are they?

Dweck pointed to one study that indicated orgasms are perceived to improve sleep outcomes. Other health benefits include improved mood and increased life expectancy. This is all good but it has to be said: Orgasms are not essential.

“We don’t need orgasms, but they sure do feel good to have,” said Lyndsey Murray, a licensed professional counselor and certified sex therapist in Hurst, Texas. “I don’t like to put any pressure on having an orgasm because a lot of people feel like they are doing something wrong when orgasm isn’t achieved. When we take the pressure off having one, our bodies can respond naturally and lead to orgasms all on their own without us overthinking it.”

Orgasm myths and misconceptions

The orgasm gap—the high rate of male orgasms as compared to female orgasms—is real. But there are all kinds of myths and misconceptions about why those numbers aren’t closer together. Mostly, this is because of a lack of basic understanding of the female body and, subsequently, how it can reach and experience orgasm.

“The biggest misconception I note in clinical practice is the myth that vaginal penetration/intercourse always leads to orgasm when, in fact, clitoral stimulation is typically needed, and upwards of 70 percent of women won’t achieve orgasm through intercourse alone,” Dweck said.

The misconception that vaginal penetration always results in a female orgasm takes us to another common myth: “If an orgasm isn’t happening, there must be something wrong,” Murray said.

Not so. There could also be a technique issue at play, such as there being no clitoral stimulation.

“There may be sexual dysfunction that requires professional help. But it could also be performance anxiety getting in the way or maybe you just haven’t explored enough yet to figure out your own body,” she said. “I never like to use terms like ‘wrong’ or ‘failure,’ but instead, disappointment. If you’re disappointed with your sexual activity, focus on fun, pleasure and exploration.”

The biggest orgasm myth, according to Wright, focuses on physical evidence of sex taking place: “That there is only one kind [of sex] and there’s always ejaculation,” she said.

There can be 12 different ways for women to orgasm, she explained, which includes clitoral, vaginal, cervical and nipple orgasms. For men, she noted that orgasms can take the form of a wet dream, blended (whole body) or pelvic orgasms, as well as ejaculatory orgasms.

How can we improve societal attitudes toward orgasms?

Orgasms are great, sure, but they’re not the only thing that makes sex feel good. Sex is more holistic than that, and we need to enjoy orgasms without holding them up as the essential end result.

“The societal attitude I see most of is either orgasms mean great sex or no orgasm means the sex sucked,” Murray said. “I disagree with both sentiments. Usually what happens is someone feels like they failed themselves or their partner(s) if an orgasm didn’t happen. The next time they have sex, it becomes an over-focus on orgasm and no longer about fun, pleasure and intimacy.”

We should be talking more about the entire sexual experience and not the shortest part of the whole thing, Wright explained.

“In all the sexual response cycles, the orgasm is the shortest part, and yet we put so much focus on it. Sometimes, all the focus,” she said. “Try to focus on the experience and, instead of attaching everything to an orgasmic outcome, pay attention and focus on the experience. The experience is the pleasure.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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I’m Disabled.

— Why Do You Assume That Means I Don’t Have A Sex Life?

As a woman with mild Cerebral Palsy, writer Jennifer McShane has to think outside the box when it comes to navigating sex and dating. In an essay for Vogue, she reflects on misconceptions, the highs and lows of disabled sex, and why a safe space for conversation is essential.

By Jennifer McShane

Desire is a complex thing. It’s a potent, almost indescribable force that propels us forward; that aching yearn to be wanted and loved. Almost every great piece of work ever written, not to mention every Adele song, centres on this. Which is why it remains baffling to me how so many think that, because I am a disabled woman, I don’t have any.

I thought endlessly about this aspect of my life recently, when Billie Eilish told an interviewer, “I have never felt desired… And it’s a big thing in my life that I feel I have never been physically desired by somebody.” My throat constricted as I realised her words encapsulated how I’ve felt almost my entire adult life. As a woman with mild Cerebral Palsy (CP), living in a society rooted in ableism, it’s impossible not to notice how the words “sex and disability” are rarely used in the same sentence. It’s assumed I don’t have a sex life, that I don’t want one, that I surely don’t consider myself a sexual being.

Take the nurse who once scoffed away my mention of a cervical smear. “What would you need one for?” she asked, genuinely mystified. Even well-meaning friends’ responses to my raising the topic have hurt. “I didn’t think you were like that, Jen!” they said, wide-eyed and excited, almost gleeful. It was meant kindly and in fun, but afterwards, part of me was angry. Do I not have the right to the same desires as everyone else? Is it too much to ask to be so fiercely wanted by someone there’s room for nothing else in their brain? To want them back so fiercely it might ruin my life (as I’ve heard it can)?

It’s this base assumption from the majority that I do not – could not – need this that makes it hard for me to express something so important, so vital, so natural, to others. Talking about it doesn’t feel natural to me and so, nothing about my pursuit of desire feels natural either. It always feels slightly forced, timid, like I shouldn’t really be doing it (pun intended). Crucially, I can’t remember anyone telling me, ever, as a disabled woman, that I should make my sexual wellbeing a priority.

In my formative years, there was plenty of love but no safe space for that part. No accessible health setting I felt comfortable in, no articles in teen magazines on sex and disability to offer shaky words of wisdom (Dear Sugar would come along too late), nothing on film or TV I could identify with, no guide that wasn’t cold and only vaguely factual in its attempt to address how I should navigate this already complicated terrain. And in our Irish household, you simply didn’t discuss anything like this. So I shut that part of myself away for a long time.

I never felt I could talk about the awkwardness, the feelings of isolation and loneliness. I felt I was infantilised very early; a woman who couldn’t truly grow up, always on the outside of everyone else’s “normal”. It wasn’t until later that I took my body seriously, determined to at least try to find out what might work and what wouldn’t. Because way back when, my biggest fear was, rather dramatically, in the vein of Monica Geller, that I would die a virgin.

Happily that’s no longer a risk, and there have been good moments. Like when an older man I was casually seeing told me I didn’t have to worry about (in what can be exhausting emotional labour and no one’s idea of fun foreplay) my splints, or the fact it might take me so long to get undressed it’d surely be a mood killer, or to try this way or that, because: “I know what you need.” To my surprise, he was one of the few who really did, and I happily lay there. (Albeit lamenting the fact that – to paraphrase Vogue’s dating columnist Annie Lord – he still wouldn’t see fancy mesh underwear after all his efforts, because I regretfully hadn’t bothered to buy any.)

But those moments are, sadly, not all that frequent. Because mostly, it’s hard, and rather soul destroying when they say they can’t do this, that it’s too weird, that they don’t see a future with a disabled woman because they can’t cope with not having a sex life (an early misconception from more than one).

I’m what’s known as a maladaptive daydreamer. My vivid and near constant daydreams are my coping mechanism, a way to check out of reality when it gets tough. In these daydreams, there’s little rejection and lots of the good stuff, but lately I’ve begun to wonder if this is a subconscious crutch I’m using, one that stops me from really living, from putting myself out there. That it will stop anyone else getting near me. It would help if there truly was a safe space for disabled people to have these conversations. I want podcasts, books, films, disabled sex columns – everything we don’t have now. Because if we don’t see ourselves, how are we to break barriers? It’s 2023. We all deserve love, healthy sex lives, and the chance to have our lives ruined, should we desire it.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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This is how tech can help us talk about sex without embarrassment

— Examining various players in the field, from established dating platforms to innovative sexual wellness startups, reveals the multifaceted ways technology can serve as a bridge to understanding and acceptance.

By Gleb Tsipursky

How can technology assist us in having more open and honest conversations about sex and sexuality? This question strikes at the heart of a major cultural challenge: the taboos and stigmas around discussing sensitive topics like sexual health and pleasure.

Yet avoiding these conversations leads to negative outcomes on individual and societal levels. The good news is that technology is emerging as a powerful tool to enable shame-free dialogues and create social change.

Platforms enable constructive conversations

A number of platforms provide an opportunity to foster open and constructive dialogues that address sexuality and stigma.

Match, one of the trailblazers in online dating, has consistently refined its platform to foster more nuanced and authentic interactions among its users.

Recognizing the importance of sexual well-being as a component of overall compatibility, Match has integrated features that allow users to communicate their needs and desires more transparently. The profile structures, messaging systems, and compatibility algorithms are carefully designed to create a comfortable space for individuals to express their sexual preferences and boundaries without fear of judgment.

Match’s commitment to creating a user-friendly environment goes beyond mere matchmaking; it encapsulates a drive toward cultivating a community where open communication about sexuality is not only possible but encouraged.

Grindr, a platform dedicated to the LGBTQ+ community, confronts the intersection of technology and sexuality with a keen awareness of the historical and ongoing stigmatization faced by its users.

Grindr has carved out a space in the digital world where individuals can explore their identities, connect with others on a basis of shared experience, and find solidarity in their journeys of self-discovery. The platform’s approach to anonymity, safety, and community engagement is specifically tailored to reduce the sense of isolation that often accompanies the exploration of one’s sexuality, particularly in less-accepting environments.

Through features that cater to the nuances of LGBTQ+ dating and networking, Grindr plays a critical role in facilitating access to supportive networks and resources, thereby contributing significantly to the destigmatization of LGBTQ+ sexualities.

OMGYes dives into the relatively under-explored territory of women’s sexual pleasure with an educational and research-based approach. It represents a significant technological and cultural shift, leveraging empirical studies and real experiences to enhance understanding and communication around sexual pleasure.

Unlike traditional platforms, OMGYes employs tactile simulations and comprehensive tutorials derived from extensive research, including partnerships with researchers at Indiana University and the Kinsey Institute. Users are offered an array of interactive features that teach various techniques to improve sexual satisfaction, presenting this sensitive subject matter with the rigor and detail it deserves.

The platform uses direct user feedback and interactive content to empower individuals to explore and communicate their preferences more confidently, thereby contributing to the larger aim of normalizing conversations around sexual health and pleasure.

Match, Grindr, OMGYes, and others serve as case studies in the creation of digital environments that are respectful, inclusive, and affirming. Their success demonstrates the appetite for platforms that prioritize the complexities of human sexuality and the demand for innovations that transcend traditional limitations on sexual discourse.

Bridging online and offline worlds

Let’s do a deep dive into one specific platform. “Through technology and anonymity, we hope our users are empowered to ask other users anything they want regarding sex and sexuality and not feel judged for both their questions and their replies,” says Mariana Tomé Ribeiro, founder of Quycky, an innovative tech company focused on sexual wellness and education, in our interview.

As Ribeiro explains, Quycky aims to build a bridge between theoretical knowledge and lived experience by “making it easier for users to find toys and other accessories to support their sexual fantasies.” In doing so, it closes the gap between abstract information and embodied wisdom. Integrating mind and body leads to deeper understanding and self-acceptance.

Quycky utilizes gaming features and matching algorithms to connect users based on shared attitudes, interests, and compatibility regarding sex and relationships. This increases the likelihood of forging substantial connections that aren’t limited to physical attraction.

Creating a fun and playful environment through the game also helps users open up. Ribeiro observes that the screen acts as a buffer that allows people to connect more readily. Gaming dynamics make it easier to initiate substantive conversations and share intimate details that many people tend to keep private.

Designing safe community spaces

When tackling sensitive topics like sexuality online, maintaining a respectful environment is crucial. Quycky incorporates community reputation systems where positive behaviors like openness are rewarded through badges and statuses. Users can also block disrespectful individuals.

According to Ribeiro, the goal is to “cultivate respect” because “everyone is different.” Though anonymity sometimes breeds toxicity, consciously fostering inclusive norms can counteract this tendency. Setting communal guidelines, encouraging empathy, and giving users tools to curate their interactions enables healthy discord.

For marginalized groups like LGBTQ+ people, finding spaces to openly discuss sexuality can be especially challenging due to stigma. At Quycky, an adaptive matching system connects users with similarities in sexual orientation and interests, without requiring them to explicitly state a label. The platform “creates a sexual chart that will match you in the future with users alike,” Ribeiro says. This allows organic discovery of one’s desires and preferences.

Of course, bringing sensitive discussions online also poses potential risks around privacy, harassment, and misinformation. But conscious design choices can mitigate these pitfalls. Ribeiro believes that overall, tech will expand access to knowledge and community around sexuality: “I think it can be huge because it’s a way that people feel safe and they can understand more about themselves.”

Countering shame through virtual connections

Religious and cultural conditioning often discourage openness about intimacy. Most people feel some awkwardness discussing sexual details even with close confidantes. Anonymity helps override this hesitancy to share vulnerabilities.

According to Ribeiro, users tend to be more open online. The technology itself acts as a buffer against judgment. This psychological distancing empowers people to voice questions and details they may keep private in their daily lives. Virtual interactions can thus facilitate honesty that for many is much more difficult to achieve in actual relationships.

Some may argue that online platforms foster superficial connections compared to in-person interactions. Ribeiro asserts that by emulating the fluidity of face-to-face conversations, tech can enable meaningful exchanges: “It’s about creating something that is more meaningful and how people connect digitally.”

Elements like games and algorithms to drive interactive narratives counteract the static nature of most online communication. Kinetic energy flows when users respond dynamically to evolving scenarios. The nonlinear spontaneity of natural dialogue gets preserved in virtual environments that are designed to mimic real-world encounters.

Countering biases that perpetuate stigma

Two cognitive biases that likely reinforce stigma around sexuality are confirmation bias and the empathy gap. Confirmation bias leads us to interpret information in ways that fit our preconceptions, making us resistant to changing our minds about taboo topics. The empathy gap makes it hard to relate to experiences outside our own, causing judgment toward sexual practices we don’t share.

Virtual platforms help counteract these biases by exposing users to diverse perspectives and narratives they otherwise may never encounter. The anonymity provided online also bypasses knee-jerk judgments that are often experienced during in-person interactions. Gradually, assumptions get challenged and empathy gets fostered through broadened horizons.

Ultimately, technology platforms like Quycky and others aim to destigmatize sexuality on a societal level by empowering honest personal conversations. Ribeiro explains that “breaking the taboo around sex” begins by helping “people feel comfortable talking about sex in a fun way, and making conversations shame-free.”

Through strategic gamification and adaptive matching, virtual platforms can make users feel at ease opening up about intimate topics. Then the data and insights gained can inform educational content to further reshape public knowledge and attitudes. It is a self-reinforcing cycle where micro-level interaction feeds macro-level progress.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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4 common misconceptions about penises, according to a sex doctor

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With a large amount of misinformation on the internet it can be hard *excuse the pun* to know what is fact and what is myth about our bodies.

And when it comes to the male anatomy, particularly the penis, there are plenty of misconceptions that are so common we take them as truth.

Well, Dr Danae Maragouthakis, from Yoxly, an Oxford-based sexual health start-up, has agreed to help Metro bust some myths around the phallus, so you are left satisfied with the answers.

There’s are the misconceptions about the penis Dr Danae hears a lot…

Myth 1: The penis is a muscle

Wrong.

Danae tells Metro.co.uk: ‘Some people believe that the penis is a muscle that can be exercised to increase size or improve sexual performance.

‘The penis is not a muscle. It looks like muscle because it gets hard when it fills with blood when it gets an erection but it’s actually made predominantly of spongey tissue and blood vessels.

There’s a lot of misinformation about the penis but we’ve got the truth

‘When someone fractures their penis, they break the blood vessels that run in the penis and tear the soft tissue. It’s incredibly painful and really dangerous, that’s a medical emergency.

‘Seek medical attention immediately because if you compromise the blood flow to those tissues, they can die.’

Myth 2: Penis length correlates with hand size

We’ve all heard it. People jokingly checking if their partner has big hands or big feet because “you know what that means”, but that’s actually a fruitless exercise.

And, we might add, one that doesn’t matter anyway.

Danae says: ‘There’s no reliable way to link somebody’s hand or foot size to their penis size — there’s no scientific evidence behind it to prove it.

‘I’m not entirely sure where the myth came from, I think it’s probably observational, where people noticed it and shared it with one another.’

Myth 3: All circumcised penises are less sensitive

Now, for those of us who do not have a penis, it’s not like we can be an authority on this topic, but we can tell you what the science says.

Danae tells Metro: ”The literature on this is mixed and every person will have a different experience.

‘There are some studies that say yes, there are men who experience reduced sensation. But there have been other studies done where men don’t report reduced sensation or functionality.

‘It’s not my place to tell someone with a penis how they do and don’t feel, but the scientific literature shows that not everybody who undergoes a circumcision experiences reduced sensation.’

Can circumcision reduce chances of acquiring SITs?

According to the Centre for Disease Control in America male circumcision can reduce a male’s chances of acquiring HIV by 50% to 60% during heterosexual contact with female partners with HIV.

‘Circumcised men compared with uncircumcised men have also been shown in clinical trials to be less likely to acquire new infections with syphilis (by 42%), genital ulcer disease (by 48%), genital herpes (by 28% to 45%), and high-risk strains of human papillomavirus associated with cancer (by 24% to 47% percent),’ it says.

However, ‘in the UK male circumcision is not medically recommended unless there’s a medical reason,’ Danae adds.

‘It’s important to note that the UK (NHS) and the US (CDC) differ on this point. In the UK, routine male circumcision is not considered a way of reducing STI risk.’

Speaking to the BBC, Dr Colm O’Mahony, a sexual health expert from the Countess of Chester Foundation Trust Hospital in Chester, said the US pushing circumcision as a solution sends the wrong message.

Keith Alcorn, from the HIV information service NAM, also warned: ‘We have to be careful not to take evidence from one part of the world (in this case Uganda) and apply it uncritically to others.

‘Male circumcision will have little impact on HIV risk for boys born in the UK, where the risk of acquiring HIV heterosexually is very low.’

Myth 4: Lengthening exercises can make your penis longer

Penis lengthening exercises, colloquially known as ‘jelqing’ refer to stretching the penis either with your hands or weighted devices.

‘Some of these things they do, where they take a flaccid penis and they grip the head and pull it in different directions, that can create micro tears and create more damage to the penis,’ says Danae.

‘People think these tears will fill up with scar tissue and make their penis bigger, but that’s just not true. Handling it so aggressively can cause injury and won’t make it bigger, there’s nothing scientific to back this up.’

Danae says this doesn’t apply to men who suffer with conditions like Peyronie’s disease, ‘where the penis gets an abnormal curvature’ who may need similar treatments, but for healthy men this shouldn’t be done.

‘This is where self-love and acceptance and trying to debunk the myths and stereotypes around what’s most important about penis’ — penis size, partner satisfaction — is important and it’s about accepting yourself,’ adds Danae.

‘Penis stretching is an unproven practice. There are certain exercises or devices that are thought to increase the length or girth of the penis. None of these are scientifically proven to result in any long term penile lengthening.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Ethical Slut has been called ‘the bible’ of non-monogamy

– But its sexual utopia is oversimplified

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In 2022, University of Melbourne evolutionary psychologist Dr Khandis Blake estimated that among young people, “around 4-5 per cent of people might be involved in a polyamorous relationship, and about 20 per cent have probably tried one”.

Polyamory statistics in Australia are limited. But recent research in the US shows just over 11% of people are currently in polyamorous relationships, while 20% have engaged in some form of non-monogamy. In the UK, just under 10% of people would be open to a non-monogamous relationship.

“To us, a slut is a person of any gender who celebrates sexuality according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you,” write the co-authors of The Ethical Slut, a now-classic guide to non-monogamy (tagged “the Poly Bible”).

Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton are the co-authors of The Ethical Slut.

When it was first published more than 25 years ago, shattered social norms and stigma around non-traditional relationship styles. Now in its third edition, revised to address cultural changes like gender diversity and new technological innovations (like dating apps), it’s sold over 200,000 copies since its first publication in 1997.

As a non-monogamous practitioner myself, I welcome literature that aims to destigmatise relationships that sit outside monogamy.

Sexual educator Janet W. Hardy and psychotherapist Dossie Easton, two self-described queer, polyamorous “ethical sluts” – friends, lovers and frequent collaborators – bring readers into their world of multiple partners and multiple kinds of sex. It encourages them to think about their own desires, and how they might be achieved in ethical ways.

Easton decided against monogamy after leaving a traumatic relationship, with a newborn daughter, in 1969. She taught her first class in “unlearning jealousy” in 1973. Hardy left a 13-year marriage in 1988, after realising she was no longer interested in monogamy. The pair met in 1992, through a San Francisco BDSM group.

Two years later, sick in bed, Hardy stumbled on the film Indecent Proposal, where a marriage crumbles after millionaire Robert Redford offers a madly-in-love (but struggling with money) married couple, played by Woody Harrelson and Demi Moore, a million dollars for one night with Demi.

“A million dollars and Robert Redford, and they have a problem with this? It made no sense to me,” Hardy told Rolling Stone. “I really got it at that point, how distant I had become from mainstream sexual ethics.” And so she reached out to Easton to propose they collaborate on a book on non-monogamy.

The Ethical Slut is a significant guide to navigating sexual freedom, open relationships and polyamory – responsibly and thoughtfully. It’s aimed at readers exploring non-monogamy, or supporting loved ones to do so.

What is The Ethical Slut?

The book is divided into four parts, each offering mental exercises to help readers embrace a sexually diverse lifestyle. It aims to support those interested in exploring non-monogamous relationships, free from stigma or shame.

The first part offers an overview of non-monogamy. An ethical slut approaches their relationships with communication and care for their partner(s), whether casual or committed, while staying true to their desires.

In the second part, the authors urge readers to break free from the “starvation economy” mindset, which conditions us to think love and intimacy are scarce resources. This is what leads to fear and possessiveness in dating, sex and relationships, they explain.

In part three, readers learn how to handle jealousy and insecurity, while managing conflicts effectively.

Finally, the authors cover various non-monogamous sexual practices. There are tips for navigating swinging and open relationships as a single person, group sex (orgies), and advice on asking for what you want in a sexual encounter.

‘Everything’s out on a big buffet’

The Ethical Slut’s appeal lies in its ability to help people shift their mindset about monogamy, in a society where other forms of relationships have often been deemed immoral. (Though this is changing.)

Co-author Hardy told the Guardian in 2018:

What I’m seeing among young people is that they don’t have the same need to self-define by what they like to do in bed, or in relationships, like my generation did. Everything’s out on a big buffet, and they try a little of everything.

Ezra Miller has talked about his ‘polycule’.

Five years later, in 2023, many celebrities openly identify as polyamorous. Ezra Miller has talked about his “polycule” (a network of people in non-monogamous relationships with one another), musician Yungblud has called himself polyamorous, and Shailene Woodley has been in and out of open relationships.

Books like Neil Strauss’s The Game (2005) view sex and relationships as ongoing competitions, requiring varied strategies to effectively land a partner. Instead, The Ethical Slut encourages developing genuine, consensual connections through communication and honesty. Relationships are seen as fluid and open to change, with endings viewed as opportunities for growth and development, not failures.

Rather than teach readers to mimic a social norm that will “win” them sex or relationships, The Ethical Slut pushes readers to think beyond what is “normal”.

Dating apps like Feeld, PolyFinda and OkCupid enable individuals to link profiles with their partners, promoting transparency and openness about their relationship status and desire for diverse sexual experiences.

And more books with varied and nuanced takes on non-monogamy have emerged since 1997, such as More than Two, Opening Up and Many Love.

A utopian mirage?

There’s much to appreciate in the messages The Ethical Slut conveys. However, it’s framed with a utopia in mind – one that doesn’t quite exist.

A key aspect of this book is challenging the starvation economy that influences monogamous relationships. In an ideal world, breaking free from this mindset about love and intimacy seems like paradise. The idea of loving more than one person is beautiful, connected and certainly achievable. But it’s also a significant challenge.

For many, longing for love and connection is not just a concept but a real, lived experience. Withholding affection in relationships can be emotionally abusive and manipulative. It’s essential to recognise non-monogamous people may still be susceptible to – or even perpetuate – these behaviours.

The authors present themselves as spiritually and morally enlightened in their non-monogamous choices and their sexual practices. Monogamy is framed as a negative byproduct of a regressive culture, rather than a genuine choice in its own right. Substance use is severely frowned on, echoing longstanding taboos around the use of drugs in sexual play.

The Ethical Slut frames monogamy as ‘a negative byproduct of a regressive culture’, rather than a choice.

The Ethical Slut makes universal assumptions about people’s experiences without considering broader social and personal influences. For instance, the section on flirting assumes a global understanding on what constitutes flirting cues between people. It lacks cultural, gendered and neurodiversity awareness.

Rejecting sex is not always easy

The authors assert “being asked [for sex], even by someone you don’t find attractive, is a compliment and deserves a thank-you”. Yet a simple “Thank you, I am not interested” is not always easy.

Research has shown women need to find ways to gently reject cisgender, heterosexual men to avoid violence (like “I have a boyfriend/husband”). And many men often do not take no as an answer. Thanking men for compliments can also lead to further hostility and aggression.

The authors advocate for women to say yes more, assuming women only say no due to shame and stigma. But the real fear of experiencing violence is a major deterrent. For example, recent research in the UK on recreational sex clubs has found that cisgender, heterosexual men may show sexual interest in trans women, only to immediately become violent with them.

These assumptions are echoed in discussions about barrier methods, sexual health testing, birth control and abortion options. The Ethical Slut assumes everyone has equitable access to sexual health education, and reproductive health services and products.

Yet the overturn of Roe vs Wade in the US has shown this is not the case. People who experience menstruation and pregnancy are increasingly losing – or never had – those reproductive freedoms.

Emotions are ‘choices’

The book envisions an idealised world where emotion and logic unite to challenge social constructs of monogamy, possessiveness and control. It’s underpinned by a belief our emotions (including jealousy) are choices we make about life events.

In The Ethical Slut, jealousy is solely attributed to the person experiencing it, overlooking its complexity in various contexts. Jealousy can be a sign of insecurity, grief or relationship issues, among other things.

Managing jealousy is presented as something an individual needs to address on their own. The book lacks guidance for dealing with partners who might contribute to jealousy by not fulfilling emotional needs, breaking boundaries, failing to communicating effectively, or purposely trying to evoke the feeling.

The person experiencing jealousy is held solely responsible for their emotion, ignoring the role of the non-jealous partner. Suggested responses, like “I’m sorry you feel that way, I have to go on my date now”, reaffirm this mindset.

Jealous partners are advised to write journal entries, practice mindfulness or go on a walk to deal with their emotion. In a book about sex that is fundamentally about relations with others, jealousy becomes lost in the hyperfocus on the individual.

The person experiencing jealousy is held solely responsible for their emotion.
< The book’s explanation that emotions like jealousy are normal and natural, may emerge unexpectedly and should not be shamed, contradicts the idea that emotions are choices. People don’t necessarily choose to feel grief, anxiety, insecurity or sadness. Intellectualising emotions as conscious choices does more harm than good.

The book also praises compersion, the act of feeling joy at your partner’s happiness – even with other partners – as a positive experience, possible when a partner feels secure. “A lot of us experience jealousy that we don’t want, so compersion can offer a pathway to a better place,” says Easton. Yet the book provides little guidance in how this can be achieved.

Compersion can also be weaponised against those who experience insecurities, with statements like “if you were really poly/non-monogamous, you’d feel compersion for me”. Some have suggested compersion should be seen as a bonus, not a requirement, in non-monogamy.

‘A too-perfect picture’

Non-monogamists may face challenging conversations about emotional needs. The book’s advice assumes a certain level of emotional intelligence, experience and good intentions. It lacks guidance on dealing with emotionally unintelligent partners, malicious intentions, potential abuse, or what to do when conversations go terribly awry.

While I applaud the book’s push towards destigmatising non-monogamy, it paints a too-perfect picture. The odd sense of censorship is even there in its depictions of potential challenges, which seem cherry-picked to demonstrate a sense of ease with the lifestyle.

Stories about managing jealousy come to neat and tidy endings. One example is Janet’s story about falling in love with another partner and having the discussion about it with her “primary” partner. Her primary handles the discussion well and they go on to have a fulfilling relationship. There are few genuinely negative examples.

As a result, The Ethical Slut feels like it’s working to hide any potential downfalls to embracing a non-monogamous lifestyle. But providing examples of where things do not work and how people manage that could be quite useful.

Nevertheless, the book is an important introduction to non-monogamy. Perhaps it’s best used as a stepping stone for deeper exploration.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Virginity

Virginity is a very touchy issue in just about every culture on the globe. Curiously enough, it’s almost always exclusively about female virginity. This sad double standard gives rise to emotional conflicts for both genders. But again, it is young women and girls who bear the brunt of it.

Let’s begin with Katelyn who’s 18 years old:

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. We’ve just started talking about having sex even though we both took a virginity pledge through our church. We love each other very much and plan on getting married in a couple of years. If we are practically engaged do you think having sex now would be like breaking our promise?

I’m pretty sure that the creators of all those “abstinence only” and “virginity pledge” programs out there like to think they’re keeping kids like you safe from the unforeseen consequences of sex. I’d probably have less of a problem with them if they didn’t have at their base some pretty rank scare tactics.

Scaring people away from sex is a time-honored means of controlling people.

If you have sex, you well surely get a disease!

If you have sex, you will surely get pregnant!

If you have sex, you will be breaking the commandments and you’ll go to hell!

If you have sex, you will be a slut and no one will want to marry you!

And my all-time favorite: If he gets the milk for free, why would he buy the cow?

Full-On Fucking

These sex-negative messages only frighten, intimidate and instill guilt. They certainly don’t teach people how to behave knowledgably and responsibly. And they do absolutely nothing to prepare even those who wind up honoring their pledge of abstinence for the inevitable sex life they’ll have later in life. And that to me is criminal. Young people have a natural, healthy curiosity about their bodies and the bodies of others. Stifling this natural curiosity with veiled threats and fear-mongering does very little good—and a whole lot of harm.

But before I respond to your question, I have a question for you. I hope you’re not actually thinking I might help you rationalize away your impending behavior—Oh sure honey, if you’re gonna marry the lug anyway, why not give it up now?—because I won’t go there. Have the courage to make up your own mind. If you’re old enough to be considering sex, you’re old enough to take responsibility for your actions.

If you abstain from sex out of fear or religious duress, then where’s the virtue in that? It’s just as bad as having sex because you fear losing your boyfriend. Neither option suggests to me that you are behaving knowledgeably and responsibly.

Of course, it’s always easier to decide on a course of action when one has all the information. And that’s where I can be of some assistance. I’m not gonna tell you what you oughta do, but I can offer you some timely information about human sexuality that you apparently aren’t getting from your family, church or your community.

There are many sexual alternatives to full-on fucking. And if you want to remain a virgin, at least technically speaking, you might want to explore these options.

Are you both masturbating? If not, then that’s a good place to begin. You should both be familiar with your own pleasure zones and sexual response cycle before you launch into partnered sex of any kind. I believe that the best sex is mutual sex, where the partners knowingly and without reservation gift themselves to one another. And I don’t see how that’s possible unless you are well-acquainted with the gift…your own body.

I can guarantee that your boyfriend won’t know how to pleasure you, especially if he’s still discovering the pleasures of his own body. And you’d be a very remarkable young woman if you understood the mysteries of male sexuality. So if you’re both unversed in the joys of human sexuality, why not discover them together? Mutual masturbation—as well as oral sex—will help you appreciate the particulars and uniqueness of each of your sexual response cycles. And just think how far ahead you’ll be when you guys actually decide it’s time for full-on fucking. You’ll already know how your bodies work.

Even so, the two of you should be familiar with several different means of birth control—and practicing at least two methods. This is a precaution because, in the heat of the moment, you may decide to escalate things to include vaginal penetration. And if you do, you’ll be prepared. Always have water-based lubricants on hand, even for masturbation. These lubricants work very well with latex condoms. Oil lubricants, like petroleum jelly, baby oil or cooking oil, can cause latex condoms to break. So stay away from them.

I realize that procuring all this stuff is gonna be a challenge for young folks like you. But don’t just blow them off just because they’re not readily available to you. This is a big part of being knowledgeable and responsible about your sexuality. If you’re not prepared to go the distance in terms of preparation, you’re not ready to have sex.

Young men and boys have their share of trepidation about impending partnered sex. Here’s 18-year-old Tabor.

I feel kinda silly asking a complete stranger this, but here goes. I’m a pretty normal 18 year old. I’ve had a few girlfriends over the years, nothing really serious, though. Lately I’ve been seeing a lot of this one girl; she’s 20, a junior at my school. I really like her and we’re discussing taking our friendship to the next level, but there’s a problem. I’m a virgin. My girlfriend is way more experienced than me and that makes me a little nervous too. She wants me to decide when the time is right. My question is how will I know when I’m ready for sex?

I have a question for you, Tabor, and I hope it doesn’t sound flippant. When do you know it’s time to eat, or sleep? I know many of us eat even when we’re not hungry and sometimes we don’t sleep even when we’re tired. That aside, I suggest that the same bodily signals that alert you to hunger and exhaustion will let you know when it’s time for sex. You’ll want to have sex when you feel the desire to be sexual. I’m not trying to be evasive; I’m trying to get you to listen to your body, because that’s how you’ll know. To be perfectly frank, that’s how all of us know it’s time for sex. We get a hankerin’ for some pleasure and we pursue that till we’re satisfied. Sometimes that’s solo sex and sometimes it’s partnered sex.

If I were to advise you further I’d want to know how much sex you’ve already had with your GF. Has there been any sex play at all? Probably some, right? Otherwise how would you know you like her well enough to consider taking things to the next level?

Penis/vagina intercourse, or as I like to call it, “fucking,” can bring more intimacy and more pleasure than other forms of sex, but it’s not the be-all end-all either. Fucking also carries far more responsibility, particularly for fertile young puppies like you and your honey.

Is it safe to assume that you are well-versed in the complexities of the human reproductive system? I hope so. Not everyone is, of course, even some otherwise smart people. If you’re not clear on the whole concept, there’s no time like the present to do a little boning up, so to speak. Being responsible about sex is as important as being sexual. And being informed about health risks and contraception is the beginning of taking responsibility for your sexual activity.

Remember what I said earlier—that you’ll want to have sex when your body says so? Well, if you take the time to prepare now, you’ll not need to interrupt the moment when your body tells you I’m ready! You should discuss birth control with your girlfriend in advance of any foolin’ around. You should have condoms and lube available. Don’t expect that you’ll have your wits about you when your dick is hard. Remember, you’re not the one who’ll get pregnant if ya’ll screw up. I’ll bet your sweetheart will be impressed with your forethought, too.

Remember, even if your girlfriend is on the pill or has a diaphragm; condoms are a must. One in every ten sexually active teens carries one or more STDs or as we call them nowadays, STIs (sexually transmitted infections). You can consider dropping the condoms only when you’re in an exclusive relationship.

Good luck!