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Sexual assault awareness | Sex in the Suburbs

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month — and here’s what you can do.

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1. Believe survivors:

If someone comes to you and discloses sexual assault, believe them. Don’t ask what they were wearing. Don’t ask what they were thinking. Tell them you are sorry that it happened. Tell them it’s not their fault. And most of all, believe them.

Why?

Sexual assaults are dramatically under-reported in our society, for a variety of reasons. According to RAINN, a national anti-sexual violence organization, less than a third of sexual assaults are reported to police. One of the most prominent reasons is the concern that the survivor will not be believed. Consider the recent expose by the Salt Lake Tribune about BYU’s Honor Code, used against sexual assault survivors. More than two dozen survivors told the paper that they did not report crimes committed against them because they, the survivors, would get in trouble. Believing survivors is important.

2. Engage your voice:

Teens — lift your voice to counter any messages that any sexual assault is the survivor’s fault. Talk about consent with your friends and peers. Have speakers in to your school and other organizations to teach about consent. Don’t be silent.

Parents — talk with your teens about consent. Let them know that they can come to you safely if they are uncomfortable in a situation, even if they have broken a house rule. Think about it: Would you rather have a child who has had a few drinks call you for help and a ride, or would you rather have a child who didn’t want to get in trouble end up sexually assaulted?

Coaches — use your authority to counter cultural messages that pressuring people into sexual activity is OK. It isn’t. Make that clear with your teams and students, no matter what gender they are. Athletes are often leaders in their schools and popular. Help create an atmosphere that makes clear consent popular, too.

Fraternities and sororities — get educated and keep getting educated. Traditions can be wonderful, and they can be harmful. Make a commitment to work together in your organizations to create a healthier culture around consent, including caring for each other when alcohol is involved. Be smart. Engage your voices together.

Religious leaders — make a difference by shattering the silence so prevalent in our religious communities about talking about sex. Create healthy faith communities by having clear boundaries, smart supervision policies for children and youth, and engaging your voices in conversations around healthy relationships, communication and consent.

3. Get involved:

• Learn more by going to www.nsvrc.org to find ways to engage on social media, download posters for coloring, download postcards with healthy messages and more.

• Consider hosting a viewing and discussion of the movie “Spotlight.”

• Learn more about sexual assault, types of sexual violence, laws in Washington and the effects of sexual violence at www.rainn.org/about-sexual-assault.

Now is not the time to be silent. Engage your voice. Take action to become more aware of and to prevent sexual assault.

Complete Article HERE!

Is There A Vulva Version Of Morning Wood?

By Cory Stieg

When your alarm clock rings, there’s a good chance that the only thing on your mind (besides your snooze button) is sex. People can feel very horny in the morning; John Legend even wrote a whole song about it. For people with penises, morning erections are an inevitable part of their sleep cycle, and even though a lot of people wake up with boners, it’s not always a sign that someone is aroused. But if someone with a vagina gets horny as hell in the morning, can they just blame it on biology? Maybe.

Turns out, people with vaginas also respond to their sleep cycle, and they can have increased clitoral and vaginal engorgement during the REM stage of sleep, says Aleece Fosnight, MSPAS, PA-C, a urology physician assistant and a sexual health counselor. “The clitoris has erectile tissue just like the penis, but instead of being out in the open for everyone to see, the clitoral engorgement happens internally and most women aren’t aware of the process,” Fosnight says.

Here’s how it works: During REM sleep, your body pumps oxygen-rich blood to your genital tissues to keep your genitals healthy, Fosnight says. This is also what happens when a person with a vagina gets aroused by something sexual: The erectile tissue in the clitoris becomes engorged and red because of the changes in circulation and heart rate, says Shannon Chavez, PsyD, a certified clinical sexologist. “The labia also has erectile tissue, and can become larger and more red in color as the arousal triggers a release of blood flow through the entire genital area,” she says. A person’s vagina could also get wetter or more lubricated during these bouts of arousal.

But, like penises, the changes your genitals experience at night don’t always occur because you’re exposed to something that arouses you — they just sort of happen. (Though if you woke up during one of these periods when your body thinks it’s aroused, you could subsequently feel more aroused and want to have sex, Fosnight says.)

That being said, some people do feel extra aroused in the morning, regardless of what their genitals are doing, because that’s when people’s testosterone levels peak, Dr. Chavez says. “This hormone is responsible for triggering feelings of sexual desire,” she says. You also might feel hornier in the morning because you’re more refreshed, relaxed, and comfortable than you are at night, according to Dr. Chavez. “This is the perfect formula for sexual arousal to take place,” she says, since sex at night can feel like work for some people, because you’re stressed and have used all your energy during the daytime. “There is lower tension in the morning when you are about to start the day ahead,” Dr. Chavez says.

So there you go: Women can have it all, even “morning wood.” There are tons of reasons why a person feels aroused when they do, but the time of day might have something to do with it after all. The next time you wake up with an urge to have sex, do it — morning sex is awesome, and your body knows it

Complete Article HERE!

Everything You Need to Know About Cuckolding

Western, puritanical values have informed almost every aspect of our daily lives. Although many people nowadays do not consider themselves religious in the traditional sense, it’s hard to deny the influence of long-held Christian values on our everyday lives (at least in the Western world).

The one aspect of our lives that we often deny is rooted in religion (but actually turns out to be perhaps the most influenced by our shared cultural values) is what goes on in the bedroom. The idea that “one man and one woman” is the only way to get down is 100% a byproduct of the Judeo-Christian belief systems—and I know this because 1) Romans and Greeks were wild, 2) polyamory, sexual fluidity, and other alternatives to heteronormative monogamy are hugely appealing to many, and 3) cuckolding is one of the most popular fetishes around (and has been for a long time)

So, what iscuckolding?”

On the surface, it’s getting off on the idea of your committed partner having sex with someone else while you stand by, unable to participate.It’s a bit different than “liking to watch” or other sexual activities that center around voyeurism, in that the turn-on for most people who enjoy being cuckolded is the humiliation that accompanies the experience—”being fully aware that the sex is happening, but unable to participate,” as Rebecca Reid puts it in an article for MetroUK.

The terms from which the fetish derives, “cuckold” and “cuckquean,” are nothing new—at least not semantically.

They were used as far back as Middle-English (first known use is 1250 CE) to refer to men and women respectively whose spouses were adulterous—without their consent, of course. The evolution of the terms become fairly obvious after that, as… Well, that’s what the fetish is: getting turned on by watching (or hearing about) your significant other committing adultery.

As for why people enjoy being cuckolded, Mistress Scarlett (a professional dominatrix) spoke to MetroUK to explain:

“Cuckqueaning and cuckolding are both just fetishes that are part of the wider BDSM spectrum. It’s a fetish that centers around humiliation. Humiliation is one of the most frequently requested services that I encounter.”

Although the fetish has been around for a long, long time, the visibility of this type of sexual act has tangibly increased over the past few years. It’s even shown up in some television shows (notably on the recent season of You’re The Worst)!

So, why is cucking gaining popularity and visibility?

Spoiler alert: it’s not because of the feminists making men weak as many “mens’ rights”  activists (LOL) would have you believe.

While she can’t reveal too much, Mistress Scarlett assured MetroUK that the renewed visibility has nothing to do with actual changes in sexual desires.

“This fetish has been around for as long as people have been having sex. It’s got nothing to do with a lack of masculinity. In fact most of the men I see who want this kind of humiliation and control are hugely powerful in their day-to-day careers.”

She also emphasized that plenty of women also engage in cuckqueaning, so to imply that it’s a men’s only fantasy is to misunderstand the basic appeal of the experience.

She explains that, rather than feminism breaking down “masculinity,” the popularity of cuckolding fantasies indicates a positive turn towards more openness in the bedroom between partners, no matter their gender or kinks. Mistress Scarlett actually credits 50 Shades of Grey with our modern willingness to explore different aspects of our sexuality.

“Once women started talking about having darker desires in the bedroom, men began to feel that they could express themselves,” she explained in the article. According to Miss Scarlett, it’s not that people didn’t want to do try things like cucking and other BDSM play—it’s just that they couldn’t talk about it until now. That’s a win for everyone, in my book!

Anyway, there you have it. Cuckolding is the newest-oldest thing to try in the bedroom. I don’t know if I would try it, but seriously, human sexuality is super interesting and, so long as everyone is a consenting adult, go forth and play out whatever fantasies you’ve got.

It’s 2017, folks. Live a little.

Complete Article HERE!

Four of the biggest relationship mistakes people make

Relate counsellors have revealed how to prevent a relationship from turning sour 

By Kashmira Gander

From trawling Tinder to enduring bad date after bad date, finding a partner can be a painstaking process. But the effort that goes into tracking down someone compatible can feel insignificant when compared with what is needed to keep that partnership going.

As the weeks, months and years wind on, not only staving off boredom but building trust and supporting each other when life throws up unexpected hurdles are paramount to the health of a relationship.

Forgot that, and you risk turning a person you loved and lusted after into a glorified roommate or someone you despise. To uncover the most common yet avoidable mistakes that people make, we turned to counsellors at the relationship charity Relate.

Firstly, sex isn’t as big an issue as one might imagine, the counsellors suggest. “Sex is a great pleasure of relationships and a very healing pleasure,” says Barbara Bloomfield. “But, if neither partner is particularly bothered about sex, a compassionate, non-sexual relationship can be really enjoyable too.”

Fundamentally, communication is the most important part of a relationship. And if a couple has agreed that sex isn’t a priority, then there is no reason their pairing shouldn’t work out.

“In a healthy relationship you both agree on what is right for you both,” says Relate counsellor, Gurpreet Singh. “Mismatched expectations, on the other hand, can lead to resentment and cause problems in the relationship,” he adds.

“The danger is when couples avoid each other to avoid sex and a distance grows,” chimes Dee Holmes.

And while communicating may seem like an obvious piece of advice, it’s something that many of us struggle to understand – otherwise the lack of it wouldn’t cause so many break-up.

Talking and listening in equal proportions, advises Singh, is just one aspect of this process. “Do this openly and honestly with a view to connect rather than pass information,” he adds.

Not only that, but the timing of a conversation is almost as important as having it at all, suggests Martin Burrow, a senior practice consultant.

“Talking after the event, not before it” is a poor way of behaving that people too often slip into, he adds.

Similarly, “imagining their partner thinks in the same way they do” is another easily avoided issue, according to Bloomfield.

“It takes a lot of effort to understand that your partner had a different set of parents with different values and he or she constructs their world very differently to your own,” she says.

The exact words a person uses, adds Barbara Honey, senior practice consultant, are as key as the message a person is trying to get across.

“Begin complaints with ‘I feel…’ rather than ‘you are…’ which results in conflict,” she says.

Bloomfield points to her own relationship to highlight that counsellors aren’t infallible, either. She admits that, after being with her partner for 35 years, they have “time-honoured ways of winding each other up”. But she adds that learning the other person’s triggers and avoiding them is a simply way of preventing conflict.

Barbara Honey Relate chimes that – however scary it may sound – talking about expectations before committing to a relationship in the first place is the simplest way to prevent heartbreak.

She adds that the most important lesson she has learned from her own relationship is that “you can’t change someone else – only yourself.”

Something as simple as who does the hoovering can, therefore, be a marker of the health of a relationship. Bloomfield adds that regarding doing the dishes and hoovering up as “labour” that needs to be divided up can show a level of respect that should trickle into all parts of a relationship.

She adds: “It makes a big difference to feeling that the two of you are a team.”

Complete Article HERE!

What does ‘sex positive’ mean?

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Sex positive. It’s a term that’s been adopted and broadcast by celebrities, feminists and activists alike over the past few years. Joining the ranks are Lena Dunham, Amy Schumer and Ilana Glazer, to name just a few of the celebrities opening up dialogue about sex.

But sex positivity isn’t just another buzzword to look up on Urban Dictionary. It’s a framework that counselors, medical professionals and universities are using to educate and talk with young people about issues relating to sexuality and sexual health.

What is sex positivity? And what does it mean to be “sex positive”?

Carl Olsen, a program coordinator in Colorado State University’s Women and Gender Advocacy Center, says sex positivity is a philosophy — an outlook on interpersonal relationships.

He said the term “sex positive” can be interpreted in different ways. For most, it involves having positive attitudes about sex and feeling comfortable with one’s own sexual identity and with the sexual behaviors of others, and destigmatizing sex.

“Most of our programming lands in the area of consent and prevention,” Olsen told USA TODAY College. “Most of the students here have had zero sex ed or abstinence-only [sex education], and that can lead to uncomfortable situations talking about sex. … We are just absolutely cool with however many sexual partners you have had, however many times you’ve had sex or if you’ve had zero sex at all — as long as it is all done consensually.”

Overall, Olsen says sex positivity is about establishing healthy relationships.

Yana Mazurkevich, an Ithaca College junior and activist, went viral last year for her photo series “Dear Brock Turner.” Since then, Mazurkevich has advocated for sexual assault prevention and awareness. Mazurkevich says she assumes the label of sex positive. To her, sex positivity is putting away shame or feelings of embarrassment in order to learn more about healthy sex.

“It allows you to open yourself up to facts, to educate yourself and pass that along to other people,” Mazurkevich says. “Getting yourself out of your comfort zone and learning how to talk about sex is the most vital thing so that you can be comfortable to open your mouth and not be too scared to do anything or say how you feel.”

What are the common myths or misconceptions regarding sex positivity?

Contrary to what some believe, Olsen said that sex positivity is not about having lots of sex.

At its core is the idea of consent and owning your own sexuality in the most comfortable way possible. For some people this means having lots of sex. But for other people it might mean abstaining — and that’s okay.

In current U.S. culture, and often in the college setting, Olsen said women are shamed for wanting and having pleasure from sex. The “virgin vs. slut dichotomy,” as he calls it, dictates that women can only fall into one category or the other, with stigma attached to both.

A lot of this, he says, comes down to socialization. Men can be socialized to believe that they need to have a lot of sex to show masculinity, while women are socialized to fear or feel shame about their bodies.

According to CSU’s Women’s Advocacy Center, another misconception is that sex positivity is only for women. Sex positivity challenges these notions by encouraging people of all genders to understand their own sexuality and to engage in relationships that affirm their desires. This includes people who want to abstain and those who love one-night-stands. As long as it’s consensual, there is no judgment.

However, some students still find that they encounter criticism for being open about their sexuality.

Mazurkevich says her sex-positive attitude has caused some people to judge her. “I hate the word ‘slut.’ It should be out of the dictionary,” she told USA TODAY College. “I think people should have as much sex as you want as long as they are safe, smart and consensual.”

Is there an app for that? You know there is

The University of Oregon has taken a unique approach to using sex positivity as an educational tool on campus. In a joint effort between the Office of Title IX, the Health Center and numerous student groups, the school released a smartphone mobile app titled SexPositive.

The app combines technology and language targeted at 18-23 year-olds to help students make healthy sexual decisions. The goals of the app are to decrease transmission of sexually transmitted infections (STI) and sexual violence, and to increase healthy communication.

“The university takes a broad approach to educating our students about behaviors and choices that may affect their current and future health, and their overall quality of life,” said Paula Staight, health promotions director for the university health center in a statement to the campus community last year. “Being informed and adding to a student’s existing knowledge is a powerful prevention effort.”

How long has sex positivity been around?

The term sex positive has only become widely acknowledged during the past decade, though the foundation has been around since the 1920s, when psychoanalyst Wilhelm Reich, a student of Sigmund Freud, argued that sexuality was normal and healthy, and wrote that a good and healthy sex life led to improved overall well-being.

As feminist movements grew, changed and popularized over the years, the term has been used and molded to help liberate communities from patriarchal or heteronormative assumptions about sex and relationships.

And today, sex positivity is more common than ever. Take for example, the women of Girls or Broad City. Sex positivity has come to be categorized by realistic and unfiltered portrayals of sex and what that means to the young people navigating it.

Complete Article HERE!