I Used Sex Therapy Apps for Six Weeks

— And Can Confirm They’re a Relationship Game-Changer

Not to mention they helped me seriously start to unpack my sexual traumas and insecurities.

By

In no particular order, here’s a list of things I’d rather do than talk about sex: accidentally like a photo of my ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend from two years ago; play six straight hours of baby shower games; drink bath water (yes, even Jacob Elordi’s).

Though I love having sex, actually talking about it with my partner, friends, and even my therapist makes me want to curl up into a ball and hide. According to a 2023 survey from Durex, I’m not the only one: A third of the 2,000 adults surveyed reported that they feel uncomfortable talking about sex with their partners, and a fifth won’t bring up sex at all over the course of their relationships.

If these folks (myself included) get itchy having these conversations with the person who regularly sees them naked, chances are they’re probably not running out to have them with a professional, either—which is where sex therapy apps can help.

My first introduction to sex therapy apps came late one night while I was laying in bed after a not-so-great, highly-anxiety-provoking sexual experience with my long-term partner. It was a sort of a “straw that broke the camel’s back” situation that made me realize that if I continued to ignore my sexual trauma—and the hangups that came along with it—it was never going to get better. What started with a few Google searches in the realm of “what is wrong with me” took me down a rabbit hole of resources I didn’t know existed. Fifteen minutes later, I downloaded my first sex therapy app, and was almost in tears as I realized that 1) I wasn’t alone in my experience, and 2) there might actually be a solution.

While most experts will tell you that working with an actual human therapist is the best way to address intimacy issues because they’re able to take a more personal approach, apps are a great plan B, especially if you can’t afford individual therapy. There are a number of different reasons why people find themselves in need of sex therapy—Kate Levine, LMHC, a Brooklyn-based sex therapist, names desire discrepancies, shame or embarrassment around sexual preferences, and trauma as some of the most common—and considering 43 percent of women and 31 percent of men will experience some sort of sexual dysfunction (which includes lack of desire) throughout their lifetime, according to The University of Texas Southwestern, any resource that makes navigating these things more accessible is decidedly a good thing.

“For a lot of folks, talking about sex with another human being can be very overwhelming—especially initially—and it might feel easier to engage with an app, where there’s a level of separation through the screen to allow them to get more comfortable,” says Nikita Fernandes, MHC-LP, a sex therapist who specializes in queer, poly, and POC couples. “I think these apps provide a more accessible way to check into or use certain resources at someone’s own pace and time and environment.”

To begin navigating my own issues around sex, I spent six weeks testing out some of the App Store’s most popular offerings. Here’s how it went and what I learned in the process.

Best Overall: Blueheart

Cost: $9.99/month

Pros: Solo and partnered work available, audio and written courses, stories from real couples, guided self-touch sessions, can link up with a partner’s account so you can do the work together.

Cons: Content largely focuses on cisgender sex and sexuality, no free option.

blueheart sex therapy app, blueheart sex therapy articles
BlueheartBlueheart’s helpful articles on sexual desire and arousal. 
blueheart sex therapy app
Blueheart

Blueheart was my first foray into sex apps—I downloaded it the night I realized I couldn’t “fix” my sexual issues on my own and immediately dove in.

The program starts with an assessment, which was built by psychologists and asks questions around five relationship pillars: Connection (i.e. how comfortable you are being yourself around your partner), Teamwork (how well you and your partner work through arguments), Sex and play (whether or not you feel attracted to and sexually fulfilled by your partner), Communication, and Values. From there, the app puts together a personalized program based on your needs.

The results of my assessment reaffirmed that I had significant anxiety around sex, which was impacting my libido levels, and informed me that I could benefit from learning new ways to communicate these things to my partner. The first part of my lesson plan was all about “re-sparking libido,” which consisted of 36 therapist-led audio sessions across five levels. The sessions ranged from five to 20 minutes, and each level included three guided self-touch sessions meant to help me learn how to get out of my head and focus on the pleasurable physical sensations that come with sex—which are more “guided meditation with some light nipple play” than audio erotica.

Level one began with exploring what desire is and how it works; level two was about managing stress and distractions during sex; level three focused on body image and performance anxiety; level four amped up those learnings with lessons on how to better connect to your body; and level five highlighted how to find pleasure. The final lesson, which is meant to be the last one you do on your own, teaches you how to talk about Blueheart with your partner so that you can work together moving forward.

In addition to the personalized lesson plan, Blueheart allows you to opt into other couple-friendly courses like “How To Talk About Money” and “Becoming a Better Team.” There are also a slew of expert-informed articles around body image, arousal, basic sex-ed, and more, plus stories from real couples who have found success with the program.

After spending years feeling like a freak because of my anxiety around sex, what I loved most about this app was how often it reassured me that it was totally normal—exactly what I needed to hear (especially from the soothing British woman’s voice Blueheart uses across its content). Every new session seemed to be building on the work I’d already done, which made me feel like I was making real progress. Additionally, the meditations helped me get in touch with my body, and I found myself coming back to the breathing exercises and sensory scans I learned during intimate experiences. After only two weeks of using Blueheart, I started to feel less stressed about sex, and now that I’ve finished my first full lesson, I’m excited to bring my partner into the fold to continue this work together.

Best for individuals looking to improve sexual function and desire: Rosy

Cost: $9.99/month-$74.99/month

Pros: Backed by licensed therapists and OBGYNs, offers coaching for queer and non-monogamous relationships, daily programs as short as five minutes, community-based conversation boards, live events, two virtual 30-minute coaching sessions a month with premium plan.

Cons: No free option, meant more for individual work than for couples.

rosy sexual therapy app
RosyRosy has a slew of content types to explore, from Religion to Mental Health.
rosy sex therapy app
RosyJust a few of Rosy’s audio erotica options.

Like Blueheart, Rosy’s sexual wellness program also begins with a quiz, but the questions are more related to your sex life over the course of the past month (think:”how often did you feel sexual desire?” and “how often did you reach climax when you had sexual stimulation?”). It also asked questions about birth control, pregnancy, and menopause (because hormones are so closely linked to sexual desire and performance), mental and gynecological health, and sexual trauma. All of this information creates your personalized wellness plan, which typically includes a daily lesson followed by a reflection in your in-app journal.

My journey started with the basics: A video in which two licensed psychotherapists explain in depth what sexual trauma actually is, which helped me better understand how these types of experiences can take different shapes. In addition to the daily tasks, the app also offers a series of “Quickies” videos where experts dive into common sexual concerns, like the orgasm gap and libido changes during menopause. Even better? It’s got an entire library of written and audio erotica (we’re talking hundreds of options), and a community discussion board where you can talk about what you’re going through with others who may be sharing the same experience.

I love how expert-led Rosy feels—certainly the closest to what I imagine IRL sex therapy feels like. The lessons gave me the opportunity to really understand how my sexual trauma was impacting me, as well as the tools I need to start overcoming it.

Best for couples looking to connect: Coral

Cost: $59.99/year

Pros: Designed for couples, one subscription includes two memberships (one for each partner), includes personalized therapy “journeys,” audio pleasure guides, games for couples, and sex tips. Free option offers limited access to some resources.

Cons: Not great for individuals looking to navigate sex and intimacy independently.

coral sex therapy app

coral sex therapy app
CoralCoral’s “Yes to Sex” sexual improv game.

Coral is designed for couples, which means that after a month of testing sex therapy apps on my own, it was time to tell my partner what I’d been up to—which was admittedly a lot less scary than it would have been prior to this experiment.

Like all of the other apps on this list, Coral opens with an assessment—but in this case, the questions focus more on your sex life as a couple rather than an individual. (A few examples, which are meant to be answered by both parties: Who initiates sex more often? Does your desire come on suddenly or gradually? Has your attraction to your partner grown or diminished over time?) Your answers will inform the “journeys” that the app recommends for you, which target your goals around things like communication, confidence, and pleasure within your relationship.

Based on the program’s assessment that my partner and I have different desire types, I got my own journeys, each consisting of both written and audio lessons meant to be worked through on your own. Beyond these structured solo paths, the app also offers a slew of “choose your own adventure”-type programs that you can do alone or with your S.O. There are audio guides for solo and partnered pleasure, games and activities couples can play together to help get in the mood (my personal favorite was “Yes to Sex,” a sexual improv game in which one partner says something like “I’d like to get naked tonight,” and the other keeps the conversation going by adding a “yes and” statement, like, “Yes, and, I’d like to give you a massage with essential oils.”), sex tips and how-to guides, and more.

Thanks to the confidence and comfort I started building using Blueheart and Rosy, I was genuinely excited to start working with my partner on Coral. Though many of the activities started off giggly and silly, they helped us have some real, honest conversations about sex—and for the first time in my life, I faced them head-on instead of sticking my fingers in my ears. It wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable. Dare I say it was kinda… fun?

Final Thoughts on Sex Therapy Apps

After six weeks of entrusting my sexual wellbeing to app-based therapy, I walked away with a better understanding of my sexuality and how to properly communicate my needs. It’s hard to pick a favorite among the three apps because each one is so different, but using them helped me realize that there are effective tools available, that I’m not alone, and that I don’t have to spend big money on an IRL sex therapist to work through my struggles—at least not for now.

Caring for your mental health is a highly personal endeavor, which is to say that what worked for me may not work for everyone. But all three of these apps will be staying on my phone—and in my life—for the long haul, because even though I’ve made strides, I’m still a work in progress. And if they can continue to make my sex life, and my attitude around it, even better? That’s well worth the monthly subscription fees, IMO.

Complete Article HERE!

How Long Is Too Long Without Sex in a Relationship?

— The answer is…complicated.

By Kayla Blanton

If you and your significant other suddenly feel a bit distant—whether it’s due to a post-honeymoon dip in excitement or the wedge of chaotic work schedules—it’s easy to spiral about the relationship’s fate, and Google: How long is too long to go without sex? There, you’ll find plenty of articles that attempt to answer your question—including this one—but the reality is, there is no way to hack to the nuanced form of connection that is human sexuality.

Meet the Experts: Juliana Hauser, Ph.D., a sex and marriage therapist and member of Kindra’s Advisory Board and Tatiana Rivera, L.I.C.S.W., a clinical and social work therapist with ADHDAdvisor.org.

Sex is one of the most universal pillars of well-being and relationships. It contributes to emotional intimacy, bonding, and “overall life satisfaction,” explains Juliana Hauser, Ph.D., a sex and marriage therapist and member of Kindra’s Advisory Board. However, the importance of sex—and what it looks like—varies among individuals and couples.

Still, with the help of experts, we took our best crack at better understanding dry spells, not wanting sex, or even wanting sex at different times. Keep reading for tips on how to enhance sexual connection, and to for our answer the ever-elusive existential question:

How long is too long without sex in a relationship?

“I don’t believe there’s a universal timeline,” says Hauser. “Every relationship is unique, and factors like life changes, overall stress, time constraints, physical and mental health, and communication styles, among many other factors, all play into the opportunity and desire for sexual connection.”

As a sex and relationship therapist, Hauser adds that she’s seen a variety of timelines work for her clients. “If there is mutual satisfaction within the relationship, there’s no arbitrary time frame that defines a healthy sexual connection,” she says.

On the flip side, Tatiana Rivera, L.I.C.S.W., a clinical and social work therapist with ADHDAdvisor.org says if she had to put parameters around it, on average, a “dry spell” could be defined as going without sex or any form of sexual contact for two to six months. But Hauser prefers not to use the term “dry spell” at all, “as it can use feelings of guilt, shame, or inadequacy, which only makes things worse,” she says, adding: “I see a lack of sexual connection in a relationship as a concern only when it causes distress or dissatisfaction for one or both partners.”

An important sidebar: Hauser prefers the term “sexual connection” as opposed to just “sex” when having this discussion, because there are many ways to engage in it outside of penetrative sex, “such as giving each other massages, a passionate kiss, sensual snuggling, and more,” she says. “In many cases, having long talks beneath the covers or sharing a deep conversation over dinner can feel incredibly sexually stimulating and that all counts in my book.”

Hauser continues: “What’s important is to define what each person needs to feel an intimate connection and to be intentional about cultivating those moments.” The catch is, those needs will likely be ever-changing. “What feels connected and intimate one week may look different the next, and committing to the journey with your partner while keeping communication front and center is more important than the acts themselves,” she adds.

How much sex is healthy in a relationship?

“It’s perfectly normal and expected for sexual patterns and frequency to change over time,” says Hauser. However, as a frame of reference, one 2017 study found that the average adult had sex 54 times per year, which is about once a week. Another 2015 study found that near-weekly frequency led to the greatest happiness in couples. “There are many scientific investigations establishing that healthy intimacy occurs two to three times a week,” adds Rivera.

If your sex life doesn’t match up to these numbers, you shouldn’t feel behind, because, again, every couple is different. “Couples I admire and believe are mutually supportive of each other, while maintaining a strong sense of self, find a balance that fulfills both partners’ needs and desires, and encourages and supports an open dialogue,” Hauser says.

Reasons you’re not having sex

Dips in libido can often be attributed to work, family, health, or life changes like menopause, explains Hauser. “What matters most is the quality of intimacy and the emotional connection shared by the couple,” she adds.

How to improve your sex life

If your quality of life becomes affected by a fluctuating sex life, Hauser and Rivera say it’s a good idea to create a plan of action. Here are some of their tips:

Communicate openly

If you’re dissatisfied sexually, your partner can’t know that unless you verbalize it, which, yes, is easier said than done. “What I find to be essential is open and honest communication about desires, needs, and expectations,” says Hauser. If you’re on the receiving end of concerns, it’s also important to show patience, empathy, and understanding, while also advocating for your needs, she adds.

Try the four quadrants exercise

One of Hauser’s favorite exercises for communication about sex is what she calls the four quadrants exercise, which can help you explore your sexual fantasies as a couple. Divide a piece of paper into four and label the quadrants as follows: 1. Things I have done and would like to do again, 2. Things I have done once and would not do again, 3. Things I have not done and would like to try, 4. Things I have not done and do not want to try.

“Fill it out separately, then discuss your lists together. Keep an open mind and maybe you’ll feel excited about trying something new, or can agree to discontinue something you both aren’t enjoying,” she says.

Tap into all of your senses

Again, sexual connection doesn’t always have to look a specific way. “I love guiding clients to explore their senses and sensuality outside of traditional sexual connection in order to reboot,” says Hauser. “Think of the senses you have access to and incorporate time in your day to reconnect with the smells, tastes, and sights that bring you joy, that keep you in the present moment, and that light you up. It’s amazing how powerful this practice can be.”

Develop a sexual toolbox

Kindra-Harris poll that surveyed women over 50 found that more than half of them keep a “sexual toolbox” equipped with lubricants, toys, and other products that help make sex as enjoyable and pleasurable as possible. “Menopause is one of the most common causes of a ‘dry spell’ in a couple’s relationship,” says Hauser. “Over half of women experience vaginal dryness after menopause, which can make sexual connection downright painful. If this resonates, I’d recommend trying a daily vaginal moisturizer like Kindra’s Daily Vaginal Lotion, as well as a lubricant during intimacy.”

Seek out a sex therapist

Lastly, if you try all of the above and a lack of intimacy persists, becoming a source of frustration, Hauser recommends seeking guidance from a sex therapist or other professional who can provide valuable insights catered to your relationship.

Complete Article HERE!

Sex therapists on 20 simple, satisfying ways to revive your lost libido

— Losing your mojo is very common, but it can be overcome, whether through self-love, putting down your phone – or even a sex ban

By

Most people will experience a loss of sexual desire at some point in their life, be it due to parenthood, a health condition, hormonal changes, grief or other reasons. But how can you overcome this? Sex therapists and educators share the secrets to getting your mojo back.

1. Be aware that it is incredibly normal

“Fluctuations in desire are a natural part of the human experience, influenced by different life stages,” says Chris Sheridan, a psychotherapist and founder of The Queer Therapist in Glasgow. “We’re not robots,” says Natasha Silverman, a Relate sex and relationship therapist based in the Cotswolds. She has helped couples who haven’t had sex for decades and says this is one of the most common reasons people seek advice. “It is very normal for relationships to go through periods when couples aren’t having sex, or one person wants to and the other doesn’t.”

2. Mood is often a factor

Addressing this is the first step. “External life stresses and anxiety all put the brakes on sexual desire,” says Silverman. “If you are stressed and overwhelmed – worried about the kids or there are problems at work – it’s not going to be quite so easy to get into that headspace.” Medication such as antidepressants can also have an impact on sex drive, she adds.

3. Have a medical check-up

It is important to see a doctor about loss of libido. If people are describing anxiety, depression or other symptoms that may be connected to a health issue such as the menopause, “we do suggest that people get checked”, says Silverman. “For example, someone may have erectile difficulties that are putting them off sex. But if that is a chronic problem, it can be indicative of something like heart disease.”

4. Talk to someone outside the relationship

Find someone to confide in, says Silverman. This could be “a friend or a professional. Someone who can normalise it, help you look at why this might be happening and take the shame out of it. Think about when things changed and what might be making it more difficult.” Try to work out, “what it is that made you feel as if your mojo isn’t there any more”, says Dami “Oloni” Olonisakin, a sex positive educator and author of The Big O: An empowering guide to loving, dating and f**king.

5. Be prepared to talk to your partner

When you are ready, talk to your partner about how you are feeling. This could be in a therapy space or on your own. “Your partner will already be sensing that something has changed,” says Silverman. “And if you’re not talking about it with them, they are going to fill in the gaps, most likely with their own anxieties: ‘They don’t want to be with me any more’; ‘They don’t find me attractive’; ‘Maybe there’s someone else.’ So be upfront and honest.” Most people are too ashamed to work on stale, long-term relationships and be more creative about seeking pleasure together, says Todd Baratz, a sex therapist in New York City. It doesn’t “necessarily mean getting out the whips and chains, it just means communicating about sex, talking about what your sexual needs are”.

‘Set aside time each week to explore each other’s bodies.’

6. Single people struggle with desire, too

It is not only those in a relationship who experience a loss of libido. Silverman says she is seeing increasing numbers of single people who “want to iron out mistakes from previous relationships” and women, in particular, who have become used to “minimising their needs”. There are a lot of myths that need to be busted about the G-spot and what a healthy sex life looks like, she says. Being single is a good time to figure out what works for you “and make yourself more robust”, for your next relationship or sexual encounter.

7. Work out what desire means to you

“Society often normalises saying ‘yes’ to things we may not genuinely want to do, a behaviour that can permeate our relationship dynamics,” says Sheridan. “Expressing our true desires and practising saying ‘no’ enables us to transition into healthy communication characterised by negotiation and mutual consent.”

“What is really important,” says Miranda Christophers, a sex and relationship psychotherapist at The Therapy Yard in Beaconsfield, “is that both partners have the desire for desire. If somebody’s motivation for intimacy is because they know that their partner likes to have sex and they need to do it to keep the partner happy, that wouldn’t necessarily be a positive motivator. We try to get them to work out what they enjoy about sex, what they are getting from it.” That could be pleasure in the moment or a sense of connection afterwards.

8. In most couples, one person will want sex more than the other

“This phenomenon is not exclusive to heterosexual couples,” says Sheridan. “It presents similarly within same-sex and sexually diverse relationships”, in which there can be “an additional layer of complexity emerging due to the pervasive influence of heteronormativity”. “Desire isn’t necessarily gender specific,” says Baratz. “It is often assumed that men want sex all the time and women want to be seduced, and that’s not the case. People have a wide and diverse expression of how they desire, regardless of their gender.” That said, men tend to experience spontaneous desire, whereas women are more responsive, says Christophers, and desire may only kick in at the point of arousal.

9. A sex ban can be a good place to start

Silverman says many therapists will encourage couples to abstain from sex and masturbation while initial conversations are taking place, before introducing affection for affection’s sake that won’t lead to something else. Plus, “telling someone they can’t have sex tends to be an effective way to get them in the mood”, she says.

10. Looking back is crucial

As with any kind of therapy, considering past experiences, positive and negative, can help to process problems in the present. Sheridan explains: “Examining a client’s sexual response history across their lifespan allows us to discern whether the change is a situational occurrence or a longstanding pattern. A crucial aspect of this involves understanding the current and historical dynamics of their relationships.” Silverman adds: “We look at their first relationships, the potential obstacles that are in the way of them being able to let go sexually, any health problems, trauma or historic sexual abuse.” “Trauma has a huge impact on our sensory system,” says Baratz, “and sex is all about sensory experiences, so it’s going to potentially decrease the way we feel safe or connected to our senses. That means that we need to be with a partner we feel safe with.”

11. Rediscover non-sexual intimacy

This could be “kissing each other before you leave the house or playfully patting your partner on the bum as they walk past”, says Oloni. “Different things can help reignite that spark, so when you are back in bed you’ve done things throughout the day that remind you your partner still desires you sexually and is attracted to you.” Sensate exercises, in which couples are encouraged to “set aside time each week to explore each other’s bodies, focusing on the feeling that they have themselves when they are doing this”, are helpful too, says Christophers.

12. Scheduling

This isn’t for everyone, says Silverman, as it can make sex feel like even more of a chore. But it can be helpful for some, especially if young children are getting in the way. “Schedule a romantic date night or time to find different ways to get in touch with that side,” says Oloni. For new parents, Christophers advises: “Even if it is just for an hour, go somewhere else and create a more adult space together.” Baratz recommends “planning sex instead of relying upon spontaneity and declaring our schedules are too busy”.

13. Self-love is everything

“Emphasising self-love is integral,” says Sheridan. “As it empowers individuals to honestly articulate their needs and desires, building more authentic and fulfilling sexual and emotional intimacy in the relationship.” Take care of yourself too: shower and put on fragrance, says Baratz. “Exercise plays a big role in cultivating a relationship with your body.” He encourages “yoga, if that’s pleasurable, or massage or a spa day or a bath bomb – anything that is a sensory experience that feels good and will reinforce the connection that we can feel with our body”. “When you walk past a mirror, tell yourself how beautiful you are,” says Oloni. “How lucky anybody would be to be in your presence naked.”

14. Work on body confidence

This could be through “buying yourself new lingerie that makes you feel sexy”, says Oloni. “You need to find that confidence within yourself then present that to your partner. I used to work in Victoria’s Secret, and I remember a woman came in who had just had a child and she burst into tears because a bra looked good on her. That has stuck with me because it really does take the right type of underwear to make you feel sexy again, or to see yourself in a different way.”

15. Faking it can be counterproductive

Again, this is very common, thanks to people getting sex education from mainstream pornography, says Silverman, which often suggests women need to have penetrative sex to have an orgasm, whereas about 75% of women require clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. But “every time someone fakes an orgasm, they are showing their partner the exact wrong way to make them climax – there is a sexual dishonesty there”, she says. “Some people do struggle to reach orgasm, which is known as anorgasmia. This can be a result of medication, trauma or trust issues that haven’t been explored. But generally speaking, people can reach orgasm on their own. We recommend that people get to know their bodies by themselves and what does it for them, before expecting a partner to know what to do.”

16. Pornography doesn’t have to be visual

“There is a difference between ethical and non-ethical pornography,” says Oloni. “And it is important to understand what has been created for the male gaze.” She points to other forms of erotica that can be accessed, such as audio pornography and literature. “There are so many different mediums you could get that sexual rush from, but I don’t think people truly explore. It’s usually the same link or bookmark of a favourite porn site or video. I think it’s important to mix it up, especially when it comes to fantasising. They say that the biggest sexual organ that we actually have is the brain. It’s so important to fantasise in different ways instead of just one.”

17. Think about ‘sexual currency’

“This is a term that a lot of sex educators are using now,” says Oloni, “which is designed to help you find that desire and spark in your relationship. It could mean cuddling more on the sofa when you’re watching a movie, or it could be remembering to kiss your partner before you leave the house.”

18. Write down things you want to try

This helps if you can’t say them out loud. Work out what they are and send over an image or link, suggests Oloni. “Write them down on bits of paper and put them in a pot,” says Christophers, so you can pull them out and potentially try something new. “Create an opportunity for playfulness,” she says. “A bit more intrigue, a bit more mystery.”

19. Variety is the spice of life

Oils, toys and other aids can be useful after body changes due to the menopause, having a baby or other health conditions, says Christophers, as is trying different positions. “Think about comfort and practical things, such as using lubricants.”

20. Put down your phone

For those who would rather go to bed with their phone than their partner, put it away. “This comes up a lot,” says Christophers. “I’m not saying don’t ever bring your phone into bed,” says Oloni. “But that could be a time where you up your sexual currency. You’re in bed with your partner. This is where you should feel your most relaxed but you can’t really unwind when you are on your phone, you’re still taking in so much information. You could use that time instead to not necessarily have sex, but just be still, hug, spoon or giggle with your partner.”

Complete Article HERE!

Remember Shere Hite?

— A new documentary jogs our cultural memory of the pioneering sex researcher

This image released by IFC Films shows Shere Hite in a scene from “The Disappearance of Shere Hite.”

The 1976 book “The Hite Report” was a bestseller from the beginning

By LINDSEY BAHR

The 1976 book “The Hite Report” was a bestseller from the beginning. Its intimate anecdotes about love, sex, orgasms and masturbation, drawn from anonymous survey responses from about 3,000 women across the U.S., challenged male assumptions about heterosexual intercourse. And it made its author, Shere Hite, a deeply polarizing public figure.

A glamorous figure who had once paid the bills by modeling, Hite quickly became a fixture on talk shows and news programs in the 1970s and 80s after the publication of her report.

Playboy called it “The Hate Report.” Erica Jong, in The New York Times, wrote that what the women “have to say is utterly fascinating and often surprising” and to read it, “if you want to know how sex really is right now.” Everyone seemed to have something to say about it, and her.

But cultural memory can be short, especially when it comes to pioneering feminists — even ones who have sold 50 million books. When she died in 2020, at age 77, it seemed as though she’d been all but forgotten.

“The Disappearance of Shere Hite,” a new documentary from IFC Films now playing in theaters, takes a holistic look at Hite: her life, her work, her impact and why, after so many books sold and so many feathers ruffled, she faded into the backdrop.

Filmmaker Nicole Newnham (Oscar nominated for “Crip Camp” ) found “The Hite Report” in her mother’s bedside chest when she was 12 not too long after it was published. At the time, she said, it felt like a portal into the inner lives of women. And over the years what those women said stuck with her in a way that so many other books didn’t. When Hite died, Newnham realized how little she really knew about her and started digging around, teaming up with NBC News Studios, which had a similar idea.

And some younger generations were aware of Hite, like actor Dakota Johnson, whose company TeaTime Pictures executive produced the film. “We love Shere Hite!” Newnham recalled Johnson and her producing partner Ro Donnelly responding. Johnson, who is a co-creative director for a sexual wellness company, also gives voice to Hite’s writings in the documentary.

“I thought this was really a way to look at a phenomenon that occurs over and over and over again in our society,” Newnham said. “Women who are iconoclastic and speak out and change culture or have new ideas often do get forgotten.”

Though Hite gave up on the U.S. and decamped to Europe in the early 1990s, she took steps to ensure that anyone who wanted to follow the breadcrumbs of her moment in the spotlight could. She sold her personal archives to the Schlesinger Library at Radcliffe, including personal writings, original survey responses, notes about methodology (which was one of the things she was often pilloried for in the media), and tapes of her television appearances.

“She had a policy of asking for a VHS tape if she agreed to do a television interview,” Newnham said. “The footage you see in the film was material she’d taped, otherwise many of those shows would have been lost to history.”

Many of the clips are uncomfortable, with both men and women challenging and dismissing her work, sometimes without even having read it. Seeing Hite walk out of an interview was not uncommon, especially after the publication of “The Hite Report on Male Sexuality” in 1981, which proved even more divisive. And things only got more difficult for her as the culture entered the “backlash” era.

“She was a complex, volatile personality and we didn’t want to shy away from that,” Newnham said. “She was so viciously pictured as a man-hater. And yet what she really was trying to do is lead an enterprise to free of both men and women from the tyranny of this very specific, rigid, patriarchal way of looking at sexuality.”

Complete Article HERE!

Women have more sex as they age

— And it’s better, too. A sexologist explains why.

By

  • Juliana Hauser is a licensed therapist who specializes in sex-positive counseling.
  • She says many women have better sex as they age.
  • Self pleasure can help women explore new desires, she said.

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Juliana Houser, a licensed marriage and family therapist who is the resident expert and advisor at Kindra. It has been edited for length and clarity.

The success of “The Golden Bachelor” has proven something I’ve seen in my work for a long time. When it comes to love, relationships, and sex, older people don’t want to be counted out.

Many of my clients in their 50s and beyond have vibrant, exciting, and novel sex lives. They want to be seen as sexual beings. When that occurs, great things happen: I’ve met many women who are having passionate, orgasmic sex that just gets better with age. Here’s how they’re doing it and the tips that can help you have the same, no matter what your age.

Harness confidence in yourself

Society feeds us lots of messages about what it means to be a woman who is desired and who desires others. We all have an image of what it means to be sexy — and if we don’t think we fit that picture, we can become disconnected from our own eroticism.

And yet, by the time women reach middle age, they have self-confidence. When you know who you authentically are, you can shed all the layers of what you thought sexy was. That lets you unapologetically embrace what sexy means to you.

Nurture the most important sexual relationship you have

Nearly everyone has their own individual sex life, whether they’re partnered or not. Your sexual relationship with yourself is the longest and most important sexual relationship you’ll have, but too often, we ignore it.

Create different sexual experiences for yourself, just like you would with a partner. Vary what times of day you self-pleasure; have slow, intimate sessions and quickies; explore your kinky side.

Take microdoses of pleasure

Lots of people, especially women, deprive themselves. We focus so much time on our careers and families while pushing pleasure off for another time — the weekends or vacation.

Instead of doing that, I recommend finding time for microdoses of pleasure every day. Change the pacing of pleasure until it’s something that’s constantly around rather than something to be waited for.

Connect with your senses

How do you microdose pleasure? By connecting with our senses. Feeling sensual can open the door to feeling pleasure, which I define as feeling a spark or vibrancy inside you.

Pleasure and sensuality start with things that aren’t sexual at all: a sunrise that brings you joy or the smell of a bouquet of flowers. Look for anything that makes your body say “yum” or “yes.” As you respond to that part of yourself, you’ll become more confident in finding and experiencing what brings you pleasure in bed.

Understand your body is changing

The impacts of menopause are undeniable and normal. But they don’t have to mean the end of your sex life — in fact, we’ve found that 70% of women who are 50 or older still enjoy sex.

There can be hard feelings associated with changing bodies and again. But embracing change can be helpful. Learn what works for your body now. Try products and toys that might ease any difficulties you have. Broaden your definition of sex. After all, there’s a whole continuum of what sex can be, not just penetration.

Get curious

Adapt an attitude of curiosity about sex. Google “10 best sex toys of 2023” and see what catches your eye. If you hear a term you don’t know, look it up. Ask your friends where they’re finding pleasure, or what aspects of sex and aging are challenging for them. Share your struggles and your interests.

You can even create a sex bucket list. Revisit it every now and then — you might notice that you might want to try things that were once a “no,” or that acts that were once appealing no longer intrigue you.

More than anything, know what pleasure is your birthright. Sexuality isn’t a luxury reserved for the young(er). It’s a necessity that we can connect with throughout our lives.

Complete Article HERE!

I Help Couples Improve Their Sex Life.

— Here Are The 4 Things I Wish More Men Knew.

“Because I’ve made these mistakes myself, I know I want to be loving, kind and generous. Most of my clients do, too.”

By

Imagine a new couple in their early 20s. Their relationship is fraying at the edges. She complains that if she doesn’t have sex with him, he mopes for days. If she does have sex with him, he’s happy for a few days before he begins complaining again.

He reports feeling lonely, that she’s not prioritising their relationship, and that he’s tried everything to spark her desire, but nothing works. He has two affairs in a year. She’s devastated and betrayed.

If my wife and I had been wise (and wealthy) enough to go to couples therapy at the lowest point in our marriage, this is how a therapist might have described us.

Shortly after my second affair, shocked and ashamed by my behavior, I began to read books about relationships, got into a men’s support group, started going to therapy, and expanded my friend circle so that my sexual relationship didn’t have to meet all my needs for human connection. Today, I provide therapy for couples in the area of relationships, sex and consent. In particular, I help men improve their relationships.

Because I’ve made these mistakes myself, I know I want to be loving, kind and generous. Most of my clients do, too. Here are four things I wish more men knew about consent.

Pressure kills desire

I used to express feelings of rejection, resentment and hopelessness because my wife and I “had not had sex in so long.” My wife would then go to the calendar and identify the numerous times we’d had sex recently. I could see she was right, but I also couldn’t change my feelings, because I was dependent on her to change my mood. This inability to soothe my emotions created sexual pressure for her.

This is a dynamic I see in my office regularly. When you can’t regulate your emotional responses when a partner declines your offers for sex, the emotional consequences of turning you down creates pressure for your partner. This negative pattern then taints any invitation, offer or initiation of sex inside a relationship. When your partner feels pressured, there’s no room for them to have their own desire, because your desire is taking up all the attention.

The absence of no is not the same as the presence of yes

One of the most common questions I get about this is whether ensuring you receive explicit consent will interrupt the flow of a sexual experience. But that should be the least of our worries. Do you know what interrupts the flow? Feelings of hurt and violation.

While learning consent communication, it may be awkward. But as you get more proficient in consent skills, it will interrupt the flow less, it will get sexier, and you will eventually find that it is a part of the flow with this partner. There will be a smaller learning curve with the next partner, as there is with everything in a new relationship.

The author with a copy of his book.
The author with a copy of his book.

Don’t get defensive

Men, even if you think you’re a “good guy” who would “never do anything like that,” you need to understand that men’s violence against women is pervasive. There’s a reason that women are afraid of men. They have more than likely been a victim of a man’s violence or threats, or are close to a woman who has been a victim of a man’s violence.

If your partner is trying to navigate around past trauma, you can collaborate by asking a new partner, “Is there anything you need me to do, or not to do, to help you feel safe throughout this process?”

If you do trigger their trauma, even inadvertently, don’t get defensive.

I once decided to go for a walk in a recent ex-partner’s neighbourhood. Coincidentally, my recent ex sent me a text asking me where I was and I replied that I was down the street. Women readers have probably gasped.

When this triggered fears exacerbated by her experience with a past stalker, I acknowledged that I had made a mistake, apologised, left, and didn’t repeat the error. She later thanked me for changing my behaviour and helping her feel safer. If I had gotten defensive, I’d have only worsened the situation.

Consent is for you

Men aren’t used to the idea that consent is for us. This is an essential lesson for us to learn.

Eighteen years into our marriage, my wife and I agreed, after almost two years of talking and preparing, to open our marriage to non-monogamy. As I became more confident dating as a polyamorous man, I learned I also needed to use consent to protect myself and my heart.

I had a friend who expressed interest in me, but in her polyamorous relationships, there were some broken agreements and conflicts between partners. Most of those issues weren’t her fault, but they did affect her. This didn’t create a feeling of safety for me, so I said “no thank you” to her offers. But after engaging in many consent conversations, I eventually felt comfortable enough to negotiate a very memorable sexual relationship. I had protected myself with “no,” until “yes” felt right. If it stopped feeling right in the future, I knew I could return to “no.”

Consent isn’t about trying to get consent from our partner. Consent is for people of all genders and all levels of desire. Consent makes us feel better about ourselves and our relationships. I hope to teach more men to prevent harm and increase their capacity to maintain healthy relationships.

Complete Article HERE!

9 Benefits of Sex Therapy

—The benefits of sex therapy are multiple and go beyond those related to sexual dysfunctions. Take note of all the information.

By Valeria Sabater

Currently, a significant part of the population is unaware of all the benefits of sex therapy. There’s still a certain stigma and the classic belief that only those who present some dysfunction, such as anorgasmia or premature ejaculation, go to these professionals. However, this methodology addresses multiple dynamics and needs.

It’s important to know that its most relevant purpose is to make you feel good. Such an objective implies achieving everything from having satisfactory intimate relationships to building happier bonds with your partner.

Addressing concerns and possible traumas or even giving you guidelines to guide your adolescent children on issues related to sex are also some of the benefits of sex therapy. In this article, we’ll explain everything this form of therapy does for you.

What are the benefits of sex therapy?

Sex therapy was developed in the 1960s, thanks to the marriage of William Masters and Virginia Johnson. Their book, Human Sexual Response (1966), was quite revolutionary because it broke down many prejudices and taboos. Since then, this approach has been strengthened, and it integrates the medical model with the psychological one.

The technique is feasible both for individuals and for couples and is based on conversation that creates a framework of trust from which to provide solutions and tools for having a more harmonious life on both emotional and sexual levels. In addition, it has great scientific endorsement and, every day, contributes to recovering the well-being of thousands of people. Below, we’ll describe the main benefits of sex therapy.

1. It contributes to having a more satisfying sex life

Sex life with your partner may no longer be as exciting or satisfying as it used to be. Sometimes, without any physiological problem, there’s something wrong and it’s difficult to restore that special harmony you used to share. A work published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior indicates that one of the most common causes for which therapy is sought is a discrepancy in sexual desire.

The fact that one partner in the relationship wants to have sex more often, while the other avoids it, is common. Therefore, something a sex therapist will guide and help you with is having a full intimate life. This implies resolving any difficulties, disagreements, or inconveniences in this area.

2. The treatment of sexual problems

Throughout our lives, people can go through different sexual problems. Sometimes it’s a difficulty in achieving an orgasm, while, in other cases, conditioning factors such as menopause, times of stress, or suffering from a disease play a part when it comes to enjoying intimate relationships.

Mayo Clinic Proceedings reports something important in a study. A significant portion of sexual dysfunctions in women go unrecognized and untreated. Men are also often reticent on this issue. For this reason, it’s important for society to become aware of the benefits of sexual therapy. Next, we’ll go into detail about the conditions that the methodology usually addresses:

  • Phobias
  • Paraphilias and sexual fixations
  • Vaginismus
  • Premature ejaculation
  • Male impotence
  • Hypoactive sexual disorder
  • Female Orgasmic Disorder
  • Male Orgasmic Disorder
  • Possible sexual addictions
  • Sexual problems in menopause
  • Dyspareunia (painful intercourse)
  • Sexual difficulties associated with aging
  • Sexual problems associated with other diseases
  • Improving the sex life of couples during and after pregnancy
  • Improving the sex life of people with physical or psychological disabilities

3. Discovery of the most powerful sexual organ

The most decisive sexual organ is your brain, and the best way to have a satisfying sex life is to stimulate your imagination. In this way, some aspects that you’ll work on in therapy are your fantasies and desires.

These dimensions are extraordinary channels for awakening eroticism and enlivening your relationship as a couple, deactivating prejudices, and dismissing shame.

4. Reducing fears and anxiety

Have you heard of sexual performance anxiety? There are many people who doubt their ability to offer pleasure to their partners. The fear of not being up to the task, failing, or appearing clumsy or inexperienced is a frequent reality in clinical practice.

For this reason, one of the benefits of sex therapy is to address fears related to sex. There are multiple strategies that make it easier to effectively resolve insecurities in order to have a rewarding sex life.

Likewise, therapists always create a space of empathy, security, and trust from which to clarify your doubts and receive effective advice in any area. Psychoeducation on sexual matters also falls within their tasks.

The pharmaceutical industry seeks to provide a solution to sexual dysfunctions that can be addressed through sex therapy. Many of the problems in this area have more to do with mental factors than with physiological conditions.

5. Overcoming sexual trauma

An article in the scientific journal Frontiers in Psychology highlights that patients with sexual trauma need a special type of care that provides adequate security and respect for their personal history. Sex therapy has always addressed such delicate realities as abuse, rape, or mistreatment in couple relationships.

6. Enhanced intimacy and emotional connection

Authentic pleasure in sex doesn’t occur in the body but originates in the brain, as we’ve already suggested. If you’re in crisis with your partner and there are unaddressed grudges or disagreements, it’ll be difficult to enjoy intimacy. Given this, a sex therapist guides you to promote coexistence and connection with your loved one through the following strategies:

  • Teaching resources to solve problems
  • Offering techniques that improve communication
  • Providing strategies to revive desire in the relationship
  • Facilitating spaces in which partners can get to know each other in a more intimate and profound way
  • Collaborating in better regulating emotions in order to connect in a meaningful way

7. Sex therapy allows you to get to know yourself much better

One of the most notable benefits of sex therapy is its impact on your mental health. Sex goes beyond the biological field: It’s also a psychological dimension and, above all, a cultural one. Sometimes, the way you’re educated or even the prejudices you have on this subject condition your ability to enjoy a full life in this regard.

The specialist in this area will allow you to explore and get to know yourself better as a person. You’ll be able to understand your sexuality, fantasies, and desires. No matter your age or the personal moment in which you find yourself, you always have time to look within yourself, drop your defenses, reformulate misconceptions about sex, and enjoy it.

8. It’s an inclusive therapy

Today’s sex therapy is also inclusive. What does this mean? You can find therapists trained in sexual diversity. McGill University in Montreal alludes to the advances that exist right now. This clinical field moves with our times and works to challenge stereotypes and promote a more inclusive and equitable vision of sexuality.

In this way, members of the LGBTIQ+ community benefit from more sensitive, trained, and effective attention to their particular needs and realities.

9. The prevention of future problems

Sex therapy not only addresses problems and educates us in the field of sexuality, but it also has a decisive role in prevention. Even if right now you feel good in your life as a couple and have good intimate health, it never hurts to learn new tools to avoid or address possible future problems.

Knowing, for example, how daily stress affects sexuality or how to respond to monotony in your emotional bond through new approaches are strategies that therapists educate you.

How to find a sex therapist who can help me?

Remember, you don’t have to wait for serious problems in order to start sex therapy. It’s best to go as soon as you have a concern or doubts or don’t feel satisfaction with your intimate life. If you want to look for a therapist in this area, look at the fields in which they specialize. There are some professionals who exclusively address organic or medical aspects.

However, most are prepared to treat both possible dysfunctions and relational problems and advise you on any aspect related to sexuality. Always contact specialists who follow techniques backed by science and don’t forget the most decisive thing: Being honest. Don’t be afraid to express your needs and concerns. Only then will you receive the best care possible.

It might interest you…

Complete Article HERE!

When One Partner Wants Sex More Than the Other

— Libido differences are a common part of relationships, sex therapists say. Here’s how to manage.

By Catherine Pearson

Frances and her wife have been together for more than 40 years, and early on in their relationship they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. Then came three children and a series of health issues (along with accompanying medications) that slowly eroded her wife’s libido.

“Her interest just went away,” said Frances, 61, who asked not to be identified by her last name out of respect for her wife’s privacy. “What had been maybe once a week went down to maybe once a month, then maybe once a year. Then at some point, it just stopped.”

For 10 years now, the couple has been in a sexual drought. Frances loves her wife and said their marriage was “strong.” But she also longs for the “mutuality” of sex.

“I find myself fantasizing about just about everyone I meet, and I feel guilty for these thoughts,” she said. “I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin.”

Recently, The New York Times asked readers about libido differences, and more than 1,200 wrote in, many sharing deeply personal stories of how they have navigated sexual incompatibilities. We also spoke to sex therapists and researchers who said that discrepancies in sexual desire were common, almost to the point of inevitability in long-term relationships. Research suggests that desire differences are one of the top reasons couples seek out therapy.

“I’m inclined to say that this happens in almost every partnership, either some of the time or more perpetually,” said Lauren Fogel Mersy, a psychologist, sex therapist and co-author of the forthcoming book “Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships.”

Many factors can influence libido: interpersonal dynamics, physical and mental health, the social messages around sexuality that people absorb during childhood and adolescence. The list goes on, and there are seldom easy fixes. But Dr. Fogel Mersy and other experts said more communication could help couples bridge gaps in sexual desire.

Focus on improving communication, not on trying to match your libidos.

When she sees clients with libido differences, Dr. Elisabeth Gordon, a psychiatrist and sex therapist, does not focus on lowering one partner’s sex drive or increasing the other’s. Instead, she helps partners understand what is driving those differences — which could be anything from relationship concerns to work stress — and, crucially, how to talk about them.

“I say this again and again, but the most important thing we can do is improve communication,” Dr. Gordon said. “Communication is the bedrock of sexual health.”

Joel, 40, and his wife of 12 years have struggled with sex for much of their marriage. The couple come from backgrounds that were rigid in different ways: His family was religious, and hers tended to avoid emotional topics. He is the partner with higher desire, and often can’t find the words to convey his frustration.

“I don’t want to feel needy,” said Joel, who also asked not to be identified by his last name to protect his family’s privacy. “And yet, at the same time, I want to express how important this is to me.” He said it can be “lonely” and “confusing” to sometimes feel like your partner is just not attracted to you anymore.

Dr. Gordon reminds clients like Joel of the basic tenants of good communication. Set aside a time to talk that isn’t at the end of a long day or when you are attempting to multitask. Consider what setting would help you feel comfortable, Dr. Gordon said, such as over a quiet dinner or during a walk.

Kristen Mark, a professor at the University of Minnesota Medical School’s Institute for Sexual and Gender Health, recommended using “I” statements, which can feel gentler and help curb defensiveness. (For instance, “I am not feeling much sex drive lately, because I am tired” or “I want to feel closer to you, whether we have sex or not.”) Or, she said, try the “sandwich method” — sharing a request or more difficult statement between two compliments.

Take time to identify intimacy inside and outside the bedroom.

Sex therapists who work with couples experiencing desire discrepancies may nudge their clients to expand their so-called sexual scripts. These are ideas people sometimes cling to about what sexual intimacy “should” look like and how it “should” unfold.

What matters is that you’re setting aside time for intimacy, whatever that means to you, Dr. Gordon said. For instance, she has seen clients who have compromised by having one partner hold the other while he or she masturbates.

A tattooed man and a woman lie on a bed with red sheets. The man is shirtless with his back facing the woman. The woman faces the man with her hand on the man's torso.

Most people have never thought about what, specifically, they get from sex, Dr. Mark said. Is it all about the physical pleasure? Fun? Emotional release or connection? Ask yourself, then try to brainstorm ways other than sex that you and your partner might fulfill at least some of those needs, she said.

Sex brings Jack, 23, and his boyfriend closer emotionally, he said, but they’re not having it as often as his boyfriend would like. Jack, who asked not to be identified by his last name out of respect for his partner’s privacy, has dealt with mental health issues that have hampered his sex drive. So he and his boyfriend have looked for other ways to foster the kind of intimacy they get from sex.

“Things as innocent as hugging or holding hands or standing next to each other and leaning on each other while we cook are important,” Jack said, “despite it not always being sexual,” he added.

Despite these moments of connection, his partner still struggles with hurt feelings, and Jack often feels like something is wrong with him. But finding ways to be intimate without being sexual has “helped combat some of the frustrations,” he said.

Be open to the different types of desire.

There are generally thought to be two types of sexual desire, Dr. Fogel Mersy said: spontaneous and responsive. Spontaneous desire comes on suddenly, much like what we see in movies or TV. Responsive desire happens in reaction to physical arousal through any of the five senses, like a pleasing touch or visual cue. It can happen quickly, or it can take some time to build up. People tend to overlook the benefits of responsive desire, Dr. Fogel Mersy said.

“Without teaching people that there are different types of sexual desire, many are left feeling broken,” said Jennifer Vencill, a psychologist and sex therapist who wrote the book “Desire” with Dr. Fogel Mersy.

The midsections of a man and a woman wearing black lying next to each other. Their hands are close but not touching.

In their book, they suggest partners consider the “willingness model,” a 0 to 10 scale, to answer the question: Am I willing to see if my sexual desire will arise or respond? A 0 means you are not willing to try to create responsive desire — and that is OK. (Consent is crucial.) But if you are at a 5, are you willing to hug or lie with your partner, and see if you feel open to more physical contact from there?

Seek outside help.

Therapists, particularly sex therapists, can be a valuable, and often underutilized, resource for couples with mismatched libidos. If the desire imbalance is causing fights or distance in your relationship, you might consider couples counseling. Ask prospective therapists whether they have dealt with your issue before, and don’t be afraid to offer feedback after a few sessions. Research shows it can make therapy more effective.

Keep in mind that sex therapists cannot treat underlying health conditions that may be affecting libido, such as pain associated with sex, low desire from certain medications or erectile dysfunction. Anyone with those concerns should see a physician.

Much of the work sex therapists do is focused on adjusting their clients’ expectations and normalizing experiences, Dr. Gordon said.

“We want them to understand,” she said, “that discrepancy in desire is extremely common, really normal, and it can be worked with.”

Complete Article HERE!

Couples Are Doing MDMA and Ketamine Therapy To Save Their Relationships

— From breaking harmful patterns to improving their sex lives, more couples are using psychedelics combined with therapy to confront their issues.

By Manisha Krishnan

The first time Isabel and her husband did MDMA together, they were at Burning Man, just a couple of weeks before their wedding. It was a profound experience.

“It was like being seen for the first time for who we really were because it allows you to be super vulnerable and allows you to share these deep parts of yourself without fear of being judged,” said Isabel.

“I felt like we got married out there.”

She and her husband Joseph, both physicians in their 40s who live in British Columbia, have been together for 15 years. VICE News has changed their names to protect their privacy because MDMA is illegal. They don’t use drugs often—the Burning Man trip, 11 years ago, was Joseph’s first time taking MDMA. These days their trips look pretty different from a festival. Once a year, they get a babysitter for their two kids, rent a room at a resort and take the psychedelic to work through conflicts in their relationships.

“We wind up spending a night and just pushing through about six months worth of marriage crap all at once,” Joseph said. “You’re just kind of a different couple on the other side of it. It’s very interesting.”

Because of Isabel’s training in using both ketamine and MDMA for therapeutic reasons, the couple generally trips on their own while going through their issues. But they’ve also had a guided trip with an underground therapist who serves people under the influence of psychedelics. They’re part of a growing number of couples who are adding psychedelics to their couples’ therapy experiences.

Psychedelics are having a renaissance, with substances like ketamine, psilocybin (the active ingredient in magic mushrooms), and MDMA being studied and used to treat issues like depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, drug addiction, and end-of-life anxiety. While MDMA remains illegal in the U.S. and Canada, last year the nonprofit group Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies (MAPS) completed a second phase-three trial on using the drug as PTSD treatment and is expecting the Food and Drug Administration to evaluate its findings in 2023, potentially approving it for people with the disorder. In the meantime, MAPS and other groups already offer training in psychedelic-assisted therapy, while some therapists are already adding ketamine to their services because it’s legal. Others are offering discreet therapy sessions using illegal drugs. And both underground and above ground practitioners told VICE News demand is growing among couples who think psychedelics could help them take on their issues.

“I tell my couples, ‘Look, this is not a magic pill. It’s an assist.’ And I would say that if they’re willing to do the work, it expedites forgiveness,” said Jayne Gumpel, a Woodstock, New York-based clinical social worker who has treated around 150 couples using ketamine.

Some of them have recommitted to each other after being on the brink of divorce, she said.

Gumpel also offers group retreats for couples; private sessions run for $200 an hour, while four-day retreats are $1,850 a person on a sliding scale. She said people often choose partners who provoke their defences or trigger trauma for their childhood, but they don’t necessarily realize it. While using ketamine, she said people’s defences are lowered and they’re less attached to the idea that their side of the story is correct.

“When the person who’s listening learns how to hold that space and not get reactive…what happens is the person who’s sharing their frustration about messiness starts to talk about their childhood when their mother was alcoholic and the house was a mess and they took it upon themselves to have to be the one to keep things organized. And that’s how she felt safe,” Gumpel explained. “All of a sudden, the partner who feels ragged on because he’s sloppy has empathy for the person who’s complaining to him about it.

“It’s like a magical moment when they’re now understanding they have consciousness of this pattern they’re stuck in,” she added.

Recently, Isabel said she and Joseph had a similar revelation, where she told him about “something really horrible” that happened to her as a child.

“It was one of those moments in the relationship where you’re like, ‘Oh, that explains 40 percent of what I’ve been wondering about you for 15 years,” Joseph said, adding that it gave context to questions he had about her relationship with her family. During other sessions, they’ve cried, and even vomited.

Dr. Reid Robison, chief clinical officer at Numinus, a mental health care company that provides ketamine-assisted therapy to couples in the U.S. and Canada, said having one partner supporting the other as they work through trauma can be a powerful bonding experience.

“We can identify the barriers that we have to love in ourselves, and then we can just do it so much more freely in our partnership.” Numinus charges around $300 for dosing sessions, but typically a person also has integration sessions afterwards to talk about what they learned.

Robison said whether a person is using MDMA or ketamine, the drugs help people in “turning towards each other” instead of turning away. He’s even seen it work with people going through a divorce, helping them to get over old wounds so that they can co-parent better.

Isabel and Joseph have put up signs in their home that say “turn towards”—gentle reminders that they’ve put in place to integrate the lessons they’ve learned while on MDMA. She said they’ve managed to break a pattern where she would complain about something, and he would withdraw, causing her to also pull away.

Both of them said doing MDMA, which boosts a person’s levels of dopamine and serotonin (neurotransmitters that impact pleasure and sexual desire), has also greatly improved their sex life.

“We had a good sex life, but now we have an amazing sex life,” Isabel said, noting they’ll typically put in five hours of work on their relationship before having sex during one of their resort stays. “It really allowed us to explore breathing together and doing all these like deepening, like soul connection things.”

Joseph said he considers MDMA a medicine, not a drug, and that it should be legally available to people. In fact, it was legal and used for couples therapy in the 1970s and 1980s, before being designated a Schedule I drug in 1985, meaning the government determined it had no medical use and a high potential for abuse. Early reports found that it was useful in navigating relationship issues and communication.

Depending on what happens with the FDA’s evaluation of MAPS’ study, it may soon be available for people with PTSD.

Robison said that could open the door for it being allowed to be used for people with other issues, though it’ll be a slow process. He said people with PTSD can also struggle with relationships or have depression and anxiety, though, so “there are ripple effects to their healing work that will be felt in their partnerships.”

He said more research is needed on the impact of psychedelics on couples and he expects to see more therapists wanting to work with it in the years to come.

Complete Article HERE!

7 Signs It’s Time for Couples Therapy

— According to a Queer Relationship Therapist

By

You don’t need a relationship therapist for everything, but when you and your partner are struggling to communicate, a couples therapist can give you some much-needed tools. Of course, it can be hard to know if and when seeking couples therapy is the right move — especially for queer couples. Since LGBTQ+ people have historically been underrepresented in science, literature, and media, it can be difficult for queer couples to know if they’re experiencing normal relationship stress or something bigger.

Throughout my years working as a sex and relationship therapist, I’ve pinpointed signs that you and your partner might need help from a professional. Here are seven signs that it might be time for couples therapy.


1. You’re stuck in an “infinity fight.”

Fighting with your partner isn’t always a bad thing. We all communicate differently, and for many of us, a heated (but respectful) argument is the easiest path toward conflict resolution. That said, it isn’t healthy to fight every day — especially when that fight is always about the same thing. If you and your partner fight about the same issue every time it pops up and nothing seems to change afterwards, you’re in what I call an “infinity fight.”

You could be fighting about anything — friends, family, sex, chores — but if it’s not getting better, then it’s probably just getting worse. It’s okay if you two can’t work it out on your own. That’s what therapy is for!

2. You think there’s room for improvement, but you don’t know where to start.

Couples therapy isn’t only for partners who are at their wits’ end. If you see a problem forming and want to get ahead of it, couples therapy might be right for your relationship.

In many cases, counseling is even more effective if you do it before the tears are flowing and tempers are running hot. There are a million different ways that two people can spark conflict with each other — and there’s no rule book that can tell you how to fix them all — so there’s no shame in seeking professional advice.

3. Being with your partner feels like a chore.

This is one of the saddest things I see as a therapist. Two people are madly in love, but unresolved gripes, conflicts, or complaints suck the life out of them over time.

If it feels like being with your partner is a chore — i.e., you’d rather capitulate than argue with them, their requests always feel like a burden, you try to avoid emotional or physical connection, etc. — then something is clearly wrong.

Likewise, if you feel like your partner is treating you that way no matter what you do, then it’s time to call in some assistance. Couples therapy can help you uncover the origin of those feelings and guide you back to a healthy and happy relationship.

4. Your sex life is struggling.

I often struggle to get clients to open up about sex. Whether they’re unsatisfied, afraid to express their desires, or experiencing shifts in libido, the last thing they want to do is talk to their partner about it.

They might be scared of hurting each other’s feelings or just flat-out uncomfortable talking about sex, so they wait to address it until they can hardly tolerate sex. In other cases, they may have perfect sexual communication but still feel unable to improve. A therapist can help you find out why you’re sexually unsatisfied and get back to sexual bliss with your partner.

5. You have trust issues.

I can tell you right now that a lack of trust will lead to bigger and badder problems in no time. It could be that you’ve been hurt before and feel suspicious, or it could be that your partner’s words or actions are inconsiderate.

We all want to know the truth and we all want to be able to trust our loved ones, but it’s rarely that simple. A therapist can help both of you communicate more honestly with each other. They can also help you find out if that mistrust is coming from you, your partner, or both.

6. You and/or your partner are working through trauma.

I know it feels obvious to seek professional help after experiencing trauma, but few people think to involve their partners in that work. If you’ve been through trauma together, such as a car accident or loss of a child, then you need to heal together.

If one of you has been through something traumatic, it’s normal for the other partner to want to help — even if they don’t know how. It’s natural for all of us to want to be there for those we love. A therapist can help you heal, but they can also teach your partner how to be there for you and vice versa.

7. You and your partner have fundamental differences.

We may not mind our partner’s differences at first. That difference could be a hobby, a political view, religious difference, or any other value or interest you don’t share.

Over time, these differences can turn into points of contention, resentment, or arguments. You probably can’t change that aspect of them, but a therapist can help you both move forward in a healthy way.


Remember: Couples therapy isn’t a last resort.

As the stigma surrounding mental health fades away, therapy is becoming more and more common. You don’t have to wait for an extreme problem to try it. Try a few therapists and see what feels right. Hopefully, you and your partner will start a journey towards a better, stronger relationship. That said, therapy isn’t a fix-all solution for every problem. Sometimes two people simply aren’t compatible — and that’s okay! Therapy can help you discover what steps to take for a healthier life, whether that’s together or apart.

Complete Article HERE!

What Is Sexual Repression?

— Do I Have It?

Human sexuality is a combination of cultural, psychological, and biological factors. It is a way of expressing emotions and feeling connected through physical affection and pleasure. Family, society, and culture influence our perceptions and attitudes toward sex and sexuality. Sexual repression happens when someone avoids expressing their sexual feelings, thoughts, and desires.

By

  • Everyone has different comfort levels and personal boundaries regarding sex and sexuality.
  • Sexual repression may stem from religious, cultural, or societal stereotypes and expectations.
  • Discussing sexual repression may be embarrassing, but without treatment, it can negatively impact your physical, emotional, and mental health.
  • Effective communication with an intimate partner can help you cope while strengthening the relationship.

In this article, you’ll learn about sexual repression if it’s something you might have, and how to work through it.

What is sexual repression?

Sexual repression is one way your mind copes with difficult or painful ideas about sex and sexuality. It is a defense mechanism that causes you to push undesirable feelings, thoughts or desires out of your conscious thinking.

You might be experiencing sexual repression for a variety of reasons, including:

  • Family dynamics. Growing up in a household where it was unacceptable to discuss the topic of sex might have instilled a sense of shame when talking about or participating in sexual activities.
  • Cultural norms and religious beliefs. Culture and religion often have significant roles in how you view sex and sexuality. Growing up with very restrictive attitudes toward sex, being told that sex outside of marriage or sex for pleasure was shameful or amoral, you might have negative associations with sex and sexuality.
  • Gender stereotypes. Traditional societal beliefs about masculinity and femininity may affect your outlook on sex and sexuality. The stereotypes that men must be dominant, aggressive, and sexual while women need to be submissive, emotional, and passive can adversely affect your views of sex and sexuality.
  • Sexual orientation. Individuals who struggle with their sexual identity or orientation may experience feelings of guilt, shame, and discomfort around their sexuality. Fear of judgment, stigma, and prejudice may negatively impact your feelings toward sex and sexuality.
  • Prior trauma or abuse. A history of sexual abuse or trauma can significantly impact your capacity for creating intimate relationships. Sexual intimacy may trigger anxiety, fear, or flashbacks of a previous assault.

Sexual repression symptoms

Symptoms of sexual repression are similar in men and women. You may experience the following:

  • Thoughts of shame and embarrassment around sex and sexuality.
  • Lack of desire or lack of ability to participate in sexual activities.
  • Fear and anxiety related to sex and sexuality.

Risks associated with sexual repression

If untreated, sexual repression may cause:

  • Low self-esteem
  • Negative self-image
  • Sexual frustration
  • Emotional withdrawal
  • Difficulty establishing or maintaining intimate relationships

How to cope with sexual repression

Sexuality is very individualized. You may feel pressure from your partner, friends, or the media about what “normal” sexuality is. Each individual has their own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs about what is pleasurable and acceptable.

  • Honesty. Be open and honest with your partner about your emotions. It is easier for your partner to support you when they know what you think and feel. Communication is vital to a healthy relationship.
  • Respect. Try not to pressure yourself to meet your partner’s expectations. Both partners should feel comfortable, respected, and safe in a healthy relationship.
  • Rule out physical issues. It is best to consult your healthcare provider to rule out any physical issues that might be mistaken for sexual repression affecting your libido or sexual desire.
  • Find a sex therapist. Some professionals specialize in treating individuals and couples with sex and sexuality. A sex therapist is a licensed mental health professional that uses psychotherapy to help work through mental and emotional issues related to sex and sexuality. Some therapists specialize in treating individuals with LBGTQ+ issues. With the increased prevalence of telemedicine, it is more convenient to connect with a qualified sex therapist who can help.

How to help your loved one

Sexual repression is a sensitive topic, and your partner may struggle with self-doubt, self-blame, and negativity. The needs and desires of both partners should be equally met. Working together, you can provide a safe space to support your loved one.

  • Be patient. It may take time to work through these issues. Each individual copes and works through things at their own pace.
  • Listen to your partner’s needs. Ask questions and let your partner know what you can do to help.
  • Support. Offer non-judgemental support and reassurance of your love. Your loved one may be experiencing feelings of isolation and self-blame.
  • Be aware of triggers. If your partner has a history of sexual trauma, respect your loved one’s boundaries and be aware of potential triggers.
  • Open communication. Talk to your partner about other ways of expressing intimacy that will be comfortable for both partners.

Confronting sexual repression can be challenging, but with the support of a loving and compassionate partner, it can be easier to overcome sexual repression. Trust, respect, honesty, and open communication are essential for working through challenges and building a solid and healthy relationship.

Complete Article HERE!

How To Become A Sex Therapist

— A Step-By-Step Guide

By Nick Mireles, and Brenna Swanston

Sexuality is a shared human experience, and sex therapy can promote positive sexual health and wellness.

Sex therapists give their clients a safe space to learn about and talk through their sexual concerns. A sex therapist is a licensed therapist with rigorous training in sex education and human sexuality.

This article gives you a step-by-step guide on how to become a sex therapist. Read on to learn about this career’s required education and certification process.

How to Become a Sex Therapist

A sex therapist is a licensed professional who treats clients with sexual concerns. These therapists hold advanced degrees in psychology, psychotherapy or other clinical professions and have undergone extensive sex therapy training.

Becoming a sex therapist requires a graduate-level education and clinical experience as a licensed counselor or psychologist. You also need specialized certification and training from an accredited organization to pursue a career as a sex therapist. We explore specific steps below.

Earn a Bachelor’s Degree

A bachelor’s degree is a prerequisite for graduate school, which is required to become a sex therapist. Typically, prospective sex therapists pursue a bachelor’s in psychology, a bachelor’s degree in counseling or a similar diploma. Some graduate programs may accept applicants with bachelor’s degrees in unrelated subjects.

A bachelor’s degree typically takes four years to complete. Kick off your search with our rankings of the best online degrees in psychology and the best online counseling degrees.

Complete Graduate School

To qualify for certification to become a sex therapist, you must obtain an advanced degree from an accredited university. Students may pursue graduate programs in psychology, counseling, social work or therapy. Your degree may be a master’s or doctorate and must include psychotherapy training.

A master’s degree typically takes two years to complete. Completion times for doctoral degrees vary widely. If you’re unsure where to start, consider our ranking of the best online psychology master’s degrees.

Complete Postgraduate Clinical Experience

Upon finishing a doctoral or master’s program, you must gain experience as a counselor or therapist. If you hold a master’s degree, you must complete two years of clinical experience to qualify for certification. With a doctorate, you only need only one year.

Earn Licensure to Practice Psychotherapy

The next step is to obtain the necessary credentials to practice therapy or counseling in your state. Depending on your state’s requirements and your graduate degree level, you may earn licensure in any of the following specialties: social work, counseling, nursing, psychology, or marriage and family therapy.

Become an AASECT Member

The American Association of Sexuality, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) administers professional certification for sexuality educators and therapists. Obtaining AASECT certification is required to practice as a sex therapist.

Complete Human Sexuality Education

Applicants for AASECT certification must complete 90 hours of coursework in sex education. Core knowledge areas include the following:

  • Cybersexuality and social media
  • Developmental sexuality across the lifespan
  • Diversities in sexual expression and lifestyles
  • Ethics and ethical behavior
  • Health factors influencing sexuality
  • History of sex research, theory, education, counseling and therapy
  • Intimacy skills, intimate relationships, interpersonal relationships and family dynamics
  • Issues related to sexual orientation and gender identity
  • Learning theory and its application
  • Pleasure enhancement skills
  • Principles of sexuality research and research methods
  • Professional communication and personal reflection skills
  • Range of sexual functioning and behavior
  • Sexual and reproductive anatomy/physiology
  • Sexual exploitation, including sexual abuse, harassment and assault
  • Sociocultural and familial influences on sexual values and behaviors
  • Substance use and sexuality

Undergo Sex Therapy Training

AASECT certification applicants must undergo 60 hours of sex therapy training, which simulates therapy sessions with clients who have psychosexual disorders.

Complete an AASECT-Approved Sexuality Attitude Reassessment (SAR)

SAR is a seminar for mental health providers and educators designed to challenge their beliefs and attitudes toward sexuality topics. It’s required to complete 14 hours of SAR professional development to qualify for AASECT certification. You may complete these hours virtually or in person.

Complete AASECT-Supervised Clinical Experience

Applicants for AASECT certification must complete 300 hours of supervised clinical treatment. This supervised clinical experience involves acting as the primary therapist for clients, exposing candidates to various psychosexual disorders.

Complete Supervision Hours

Prospective sex therapists must also provide 50 hours of sex therapy under the watch of an AASECT-certified supervisor. Applicants with at least 10 years of qualifying clinical experience may complete only 25 supervision hours.

Apply for AASECT Sex Therapist Certification

AASECT prefers certification applicants to submit their applications via email, though mail is also an option. Below we list everything you’ll need to submit with your application. Note that applying incurs a $300 nonrefundable fee.

  • Signed and dated AASECT sex therapist certification application
  • Copy of transcript
  • Proof of AASECT membership
  • Documentation of 90 hours of education in core knowledge areas
  • Evidence of 60 hours of training in sex therapy, including attendance certificates and syllabi
  • Documentation of a group SAR experience
  • Proof of 300 hours of clinical experience as the primary therapist in the form of letters from supervisors
  • Letters verifying the supervised clinical work from an AASECT-certified supervisor
  • Two letters of endorsement from professional colleagues

Renew Certification

AASECT membership lasts three years before renewal is needed. The processing fee associated with the renewal is $150 for most certification holders. You must complete 20 hours of continuing education to qualify for certification renewal.

Other AASECT Certifications

In addition to the sex therapist credential, AASECT offers certifications in multiple areas of sexual health. You might also pursue certification as a sexuality counselor or educator.

Sexuality Counselor

Counselors work to provide their clients with information and techniques to help resolve sexual issues. Sexuality-trained counselors can include school counselors and physicians.

Sexuality Educator

These educators teach various subjects concerning sex and sexual health. Sexuality educators may work with students one on one or in classroom settings.

Sex Therapist Salary and Job Outlook

The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) does not report data for sex therapists specifically, but it does report on marriage and family therapists (MFTs). Many sex therapists are MFTs.

According to the BLS, MFTs earn a median annual salary of $56,570. The BLS projects demand for these professionals to grow by 14% from 2021 to 2031.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) About How to Become a Sex Therapist

Where do sex therapists make the most money?

MFTs, including sex therapists, make the most money in Utah, where they earn an average of $89,980 per year, according to the BLS.

Is sex therapy a good career?

Sex therapy is a specialized aspect of mental healthcare that helps people work through sexual issues and concerns. Though this career can be challenging, many also find it rewarding.

Complete Article HERE!

Seeking Sex Therapy

— Sexual dysfunctions affect a multitude of people throughout their lives. Therefore, it’s a common occurrence to visit a sex therapist. But, what motivates people to seek help? In this article, we’ll investigate.

By Gorka Jiménez Pajares

If you’re seeking sex therapy, you’re probably aware of its possible implications in other areas of your life. Sex therapy intervenes in clinical disorders like sexual dysfunction, a condition that affects three out of four people in adulthood, regardless of age or sex.

Despite this fact, many countries’ health strategies have been focused on other areas. For example, reproductive health and the prevention of the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. This has led to sex therapy remaining in the background.

“Sexuality is an integral part of a person’s emotional health and well-being, and should be treated with the same importance as any other area of health.” -Barry McCarthy-

Sexual dysfunction (SD)

Sexual dysfunction refers to various clinical entities. According to the American Psychiatric Association (DSM-5-TR, APA, 2022), they revolve around aspects such as a lack of sexual desire, difficulties with achieving erections, or pain during intercourse.

Research published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine (Lewis et al., 2010), claims that women often suffer from sexual dysfunction. In fact:

  • Up to 25 percent of women suffer from an orgasmic disorder.
  • Around 55 percent suffer from a sexual interest/arousal disorder.
  • Up to 27 percent suffer from a penetrating genito-pelvic disorder.

Men also frequently experience sexual dysfunction. An investigation led by Lewis et. al (2010) reports the following numbers:

  • Up to 30 percent of men suffer from premature ejaculation.
  • Around 40 percent experience an erectile disorder.
  • Up to 18 percent experience a sexual interest/arousal disorder.

As a rule, to diagnose sexual dysfunction, six months must have elapsed since the onset of symptoms. These have an impact in various spheres, such as couples. They cause anguish and discomfort in sufferers as they don’t enjoy sexual encounters (APA, 2022).

“Many contextual factors, such as the postpartum period, job stressors, or breakups, can temporarily affect sexual functioning.” -David Lafortune-

Patients seeking sex therapy

As a rule, those who request the services of a specialized sex therapist do so because they’re dissatisfied with their sexual experiences. In this regard, recent research published in the technical journal, Plos One, led by researcher David Lafortune (Lafortune et al., 2023) states that several common elements are found in people seeking sex therapy.

In fact, the study states that, as a result of dissatisfaction in this area, patients with sexual dysfunction experience high levels of discomfort. This leads them to seek professional help. However, the process is far from free of restrictions.

Lafortune et al mentioned the following drawbacks (Lafortune et al., 2023):

  • Nearly two out of ten people didn’t receive adequate information.
  • Almost three out of ten people couldn’t afford it.
  • Almost six out of ten people found it difficult to access an expert.
  • Nearly three out of ten patients were on waiting lists for extended periods.

When we look at the social and demographic characteristics of the participants, curiously, the majority of patients who attend sex therapy are usually men (both heterosexual and homosexual).

“Low sexual functioning represents a major public health problem.”-David Lafortune-

Professionals sought by patients seeking sex therapy

A study published in the International Urogynecology Journal (2018) claims that people with sexual dysfunction avoid contacting sexual health professionals because they consider the conditions they’re suffering from to be a natural and normal part of the aging process. However, this may constitute a mistaken belief regarding sexual health, since the advantages of going to therapy are substantial.

According to the study carried out by Lafortune and his team, almost 19 percent of people visted a specialist in general medicine, ten percent to a specialist in urology or gynecology, and 12 percent to a psychologist. Therefore, sex therapists are the professionals most in demand by those seeking to treat sexual dysfunction.

Considering the high prevalence of sexual dysfunction in society, it’s essential that public health policies are implemented to address these problems.

As you can see, there are several difficulties and barriers facing the sexual dysfunction sufferer. For instance, Lafortune et al mention that the pandemic produced by the SARS-COV-2 virus increased the number of patients with sexual dysfunction. This was due to the fact that, during the period of social isolation, there was no chance of seeking treatment.

“The COVID-19 pandemic could have exacerbated sexual dysfunctions and influenced help-seeking behaviors.”-David Lafortune-

Complete Article HERE!

How To Reclaim Your Sexuality After Sexual Assault

— According to Trauma-Informed Sex Educators Who Are Also Survivors

By

If you think of the body like a circuit system, “sexual trauma has a way of rewiring things,” says trauma-informed sex educator Jimanekia Eborn, founder of Tending the Garden, a support organization for marginalized sexual-assault survivors that offers a quarterly subscription care package. In the aftermath of endured sexual trauma, things that once sparked pleasure or arousal, like a certain kind of touch or even the words of a loved one, might instead trigger pain, setting off a negative chain reaction circuit-wide, says Eborn. Rebuilding that circuit—not necessarily into what it was, but into a version that lights up just as brightly—can help survivors reclaim their sexuality after assault.

The circuit metaphor is particularly apt for describing the effects of sexual assault because of the ways in which the trauma can infiltrate your whole system. “It isn’t just something that happened to our bodies; it isn’t just something that happened to our brains,” says Eborn. “It is all-encompassing.”

“It’s not that you’re broken, but you have to navigate yourself in a new way.” —Jimanekia Eborn, trauma-informed sex educator

That reality can make it easy to feel like you’re broken. But the switchboard isn’t dead; it’s more accurate to say it needs some reconfiguring. “Sometimes, I have days where my body feels very disconnected from me, or I feel like I’m existing at an angle,” says Eborn, of healing from her own sexual trauma. “It’s not that you’re broken, but you have to navigate yourself in a new way.”

What that path looks like will be different for every survivor, says somatic coach and restorative-justice advocate Marlee Liss. “There’s no one-size-fits-all roadmap to reclaiming your sexuality and pleasure after assault, and it isn’t a linear process either,” she says, “but I think realizing that is a really big part of the healing.”

How sexual trauma can disconnect you from the experience of pleasure and your own sexuality

Though the body can respond to trauma in a number of ways, any response is “an attempt at protecting you and helping you to feel safe,” says Liss. (And it’s helpful to see it through that lens in order to find some self-compassion if your body’s response isn’t what you’d like it to be.)

In terms of a person’s relationship to sexuality, two opposite responses are the most common, says Liss: hyposexuality and hypersexuality. The former is an aversion or fear of sex that typically looks like shutting down desires, rejecting sexual feelings, or numbing out in sexual circumstances “often so that you can feel a greater sense of control over your body and your decisions,” says Liss. It’s the body’s way of compensating for a loss of that control in the past.

The latter, however, is a compulsion toward sex, when “someone hyper-sexualizes themselves more than their typical amount, perhaps because they’ve internalized sexual objectification that’s been imposed upon them or because they’re trying to deny or minimize the reality of the trauma they’ve experienced,” says Liss.

This hypersexualization response may make it seem, on the surface, as if the person has fully learned how to reclaim their sexuality after assault when, in reality, they’re sexualizing themselves purely as a result of trauma, and not because they’re in tune with their body or seeking pleasure.

It’s also possible for sexuality to ebb and flow post-trauma. “Perhaps, one day, all the switches on your circuit are off, and you just want to stay in bed all day, and the next, they’re all on, and you’re craving a sexual experience,” says Eborn. “I think there’s so much shame and blame placed on both sides [of that spectrum] that people struggle figuring out where they fall. But in a healing journey, there’s room for all of it.”

The key to reconnecting with an honest expression of your sexuality after trauma is to be able to observe the way your body responds to different sensory inputs and then listen to its cues.

The key to reconnecting with an honest expression of your sexuality after trauma is to be able to observe the way your body responds to different sensory inputs and then listen to its cues. “Our bodies are constantly telling us in many different ways whether we’re feeling safe, whether we’re feeling unsafe,” says Liss. But when you go into a hyposexual or hypersexual state, or enter another kind of trauma response, it’s easy to miss those cues, she says.

Learning how to turn back toward your own body’s senses and sensations, notice them, and value your right to feel however you feel is the core process of sexual reclamation.

5 strategies that can help you learn how to reclaim your sexuality after assault

1. Release yourself from shame and blame

While it may seem obvious that the survivor of sexual assault is never to blame, the reality is that trauma can get twisted in retrospect.

“There’s a lot of shame that can come with experiencing sexual assault,” says Eborn. And when you consider that the brain is our biggest sex organ, it’s no wonder that holding onto all that shame can distance you from sexual pleasure. “If you’re constantly thinking, ‘This is my fault,’ or ‘I could’ve prevented this,’ it’ll be very difficult to reclaim your sexuality,” says Eborn.

Her advice? Remember that shame is a feeling put upon you by other people, other things, or other circumstances. “Instead of owning that shame as yours, think about it like, ‘This feeling is not mine, and it’s not of my creation,’” says Eborn. Yes, you have to deal with it now, she qualifies, but the important thing to remember is, you didn’t ask for or deserve this.

2. Take yourself on pleasure-focused “self dates”

It’s essential to carve out solo time on your calendar that’s designated just for your pleasure while you’re on the journey of learning how to reclaim your sexuality after assault. Eborn and Liss both call these pockets of time “self dates.” They can be any length of time—whether three minutes or 60, depending on what you can swing—and the only rule is that you use the time to feel good.

Notably, that means you’re not going into these self dates with a particular goal to accomplish or sexual act to achieve. “I think that there can be this kind of capitalist, productive approach to healing from sexual trauma that’s like, ‘I need to be okay again, and I need to be like I was with sexuality, and I need to get there by tomorrow,’” says Liss. “But that kind of pressure can lead us to cross our boundaries and just put ourselves in re-traumatizing places.”

Instead, the point of the self-dates is to focus purely on pleasure—and not necessarily orgasm or masturbation or even anything sexual at all. While you certainly can use the time for a solo sex session, you might also use it to take a hot bath, dance with reckless abandon, or savor a piece of pizza.

“Ask yourself, ‘What would bring me pleasure right now?’ or, ‘What would allow me to connect with 1 percent more pleasure right now?'” —Marlee Liss, somatic coach and sex educator

To figure out which route to go, Liss says to ask yourself the deceivingly simple (yet often overlooked) question, “What would bring me pleasure right now?” Or, if that feels too inaccessible, even just, “What would allow me to connect with 1 percent more pleasure, or peace, or comfort right now?”

This practice can help increase your awareness of your own body and senses, allowing you to practice self-consent, says Liss: You’re asking yourself what would feel good, and then you’re acting upon that, which is a beautiful reclamation of power over your physical being.

Indeed, allowing yourself to answer the question honestly is a reminder of an essential truth: “You know yourself better than anyone else does, no matter what anyone tells you or tries to talk you out of or talk you into,” says Eborn.

3. Reimagine the physical or mental context you’ve created around sex

Simple changes to your environment or approach to sexual pleasure can make a world of difference in how you perceive it in the wake of trauma.

On the physical side of things, consider how you might rid your space from as many triggers as possible, says Liss. Toss any objects that take you to an uncomfortable space, remove triggering songs from playlists, adjust anxiety-provoking lighting, and the like. And at the same time, consider how you might add glimmers—aka the opposite of triggers—into your physical space. Perhaps these safety cues include a particularly calming sound or smell, or a comforting blanket.

When it comes to the mental context you’ve constructed around sex, Eborn also suggests dropping preconceived notions and starting fresh by taking the Erotic Blueprint quiz, which sexologist Jaiya Ma created. The five categories it includes—energetic, sensual, sexual, kinky, and shapeshifter—each encompasses unique sexual turn-ons (for example, soft and wispy touch for the sensual people and something that feels personally taboo for the kinky people).

“By taking the quiz, you can see what might feel connected to get you back in your body,” says Eborn. That answer certainly may have changed as a result of experiencing trauma—and that’s not a bad thing so much as something important to notice. “It’s okay if you no longer want or feel comfortable doing that one thing that was once a turn-on,” says Eborn. “There’s so much body, there are so many ways to touch it, and sex is about far more than penetration.”

4. Redefine your sexual boundaries

Part of learning how to reclaim your sexuality after assault is identifying and honoring your own sexual limits. One way to do this is by creating a Yes/No/Maybe list, says Eborn. Just like it sounds, this involves categorizing any number of different sex acts, fantasies, toys, and positions as “Yes,” “No,” or “Maybe,” based on your interest (or lack thereof) in trying them.

This way, you have a reference—“a cheat sheet of sorts,” says Eborn—for what you enjoy, what you don’t, and what you’re open to exploring, which you can also share with a current or future sexual partner, if relevant. Though it might seem like TMI to share it, it’s important to remember that “most people actually want to know how to have sex with you, rather than guessing,” says Eborn.

You can also explore where your sexual boundaries fall during one of your pleasure-focused self dates, above. If you’re tuned into what feels pleasurable, you’ll also be able to better identify what doesn’t (or when something stops feeling good). “A key piece that’s easy to miss is that sometimes, the most liberating breakthrough is you being like, ‘That’s enough for today,’ and knowing where to draw a boundary,” says Liss. “That, in and of itself, can be an experience of pleasure.”

5. Know that sexual reclamation post-trauma isn’t all or nothing

In the headspace—and body-space—of healing from sexual trauma, accessing pleasure of any sort can sometimes feel like a stretch. Which is why, Liss says it’s important to remember that two things can be true: You can feel grief or sadness or pain or anger (or all of the above) about the experience of sexual assault, and you can also reclaim pleasure. “Different feelings can coexist,” says Liss, “and the journey to healing is really about allowing that coexistence to happen without denial.”

Complete Article HERE!

Sexologist Chantelle Otten on the complexities of sex in both her work and her personal life

— Let’s talk about sex.

Chantelle Otten

By Alley Pascoe

As a renowned sexologist, Chantelle Otten is privy to people’s deepest desires, fears and insecurities. Here, she’s honest about her own.

I’m in bed with Chantelle Otten and she’s taking photos of her feet. It’s not as kinky as it sounds. We’re speaking over Zoom ahead of Otten’s Body+Soul cover shoot the next morning, and she’s sending the manicurist pictures of her nails so they know what to expect.

“This is very embarrassing, my nails are really, really bleak,” she says, with endearing honesty and an easy laugh.

There’s something about Otten’s voice. It’s soothing. And welcoming. Like the cosy blanket wrapped around her dachshund Sauce, who’s snuggled beside her in bed.

Chatting from her sunlit bedroom in Melbourne, Otten speaks with a warmness. She has a way of putting you at ease, making you feel comfortable and giving you the space to speak your truth. When Otten opens her mouth, you can’t help but bare your soul in return. It’s a gift – and sometimes a burden – and it’s something she was born with.

“For my entire life, I’ve always had people confide in me. I’m the person at the party sitting in the corner listening to someone’s life story,” explains Otten, who grew up in a “quirky” family in the Melbourne suburb of Murrumbeena with two younger brothers and an older sister with an intellectual disability.

“As a kid, I was always listening in on what was happening in my parents’, siblings’, grandparents’ and friends’ lives. That gave me an awareness and understanding of different personalities, and the complex nature of individuals.”

From then, Otten, now 32, has turned her skill into a successful career as a psycho-sexologist. What exactly does that involve, you may wonder? A sexologist is someone who studies the science of sex, human behaviour and sexual health and wellbeing. Their job is to help clients with their sexual concerns, and to empower them with the knowledge and the confidence they need to lead a healthy sex life.

At Otten’s sex therapy clinic in Melbourne, nothing is off limits. It’s a safe space to talk about intimate things: sexual identity, self-esteem, performance anxiety, trauma, pleasure and pain.

“I feel grateful that people trust me enough to be vulnerable with me.”

“My clinic is a place where people can be themselves; you can swear, cry, laugh and talk about things that upset you. Or not. Whatever you want,” she says. “My clients tell me that I make them feel at ease. Apparently, I’ve got a therapeutic voice.”

Soon, you’ll be able to listen to Otten’s voice in the Audible podcast Sex Therapy: Sessions with Chantelle Otten. The series promises to “take you under the covers and into the world of sex therapy”, and that’s quite literally what it does. Each episode features an anonymous recorded therapy session with real people dealing with real issues.

There’s the married couple looking for advice on opening up their relationship; the new mum trying to regain her sexual identity; the man experiencing erectile dysfunction; and the woman who has never reached orgasm. Their stories are fascinating – heartbreaking at times, oh-so relatable at others – and truly enlightening.

“We wanted for it to feel like being a fly on the wall,” says Otten. “We’re all going to have difficulties with sex at some point in our lives – all of us – so I hope this podcast can help to normalise talking about sex. I hope the episodes resonate with people, and that they take shame out of the conversation and help to alleviate any apprehension they might have around sex therapy.”

The podcast is the latest move in Otten’s mission to increase pleasure and remove shame from the bedroom. After studying psychology and undertaking a masters in sexual health, Otten worked under Dr Ingrid Pinas in a women’s sexual health clinic in the Netherlands.

Upon returning to Melbourne from Amsterdam, she founded the Australian Institute of Sexology and Sexual Medicine in 2016, followed by her namesake clinic in 2018. In the five years since her clinic has opened, Otten has grown from being a one-woman show (and disguising her voice on the phone to pretend she had a receptionist) to having a dedicated team of 20.

“I tend to only take on patients with very specialised cases, so I am dealing with a lot of complex trauma,” she says. “That’s very rewarding for me. I don’t charge my patients; I make money from my sponsorship work. So, my client work is pro bono, which is my way of giving back.”

With Otten – and many other sex educators – leading the way, times are a-changin’. As her business has grown, Otten has seen vibrators go from being ‘dirty little secrets’ to being stocked in major department stores and promoted by influencers all over Instagram. She’s watched the sexual wellness industry grow by $16.8 billion from 2017 to now. And she’s been a part of important discussions about consent and reproductive health, with her 2021 book The Sex Ed You Never Had. But as far as we’ve come, there’s still a way to go.

In the last five years, we’ve witnessed Roe v Wade overturned in America, threatening the future of reproductive rights in the country. We’ve heard shameful stories of sexual harassment and assault within Australian politics. And we’ve learned that Instagram has been censoring sex education accounts – Otten’s included.

“Oh, I think I’ve been shadowbanned on Instagram for five years. It’s problematic that so many people are being silenced, because sex education should be accessible to everyone,” she says. “The main thing I want people to know is that sex should be fun, pleasurable and free of pain and shame. I think we need to make sex sexy again!”

That’s where Sex Therapy: Sessions with Chantelle Otten comes in. Apart from the all-important destigmatising and empowering stories, perhaps the best part of the podcast is getting to listen to Otten’s silky voice in situ.

Today Otten’s voice is raspier than usual. She’s been battling a sinus infection, she tells me, and is trying to recover from the physical fatigue of taking on people’s trauma.

“The challenges that come with this line of work are heavy. When you hear someone’s trauma, it does affect you,” she says. “I am constantly doing work on myself to make sure that I’m there for my patients.”

As well as the emotional toll there are other – more, er, unique – challenges that come with being a sexologist. Namely, people confusing sexology with sex work. Remember when Otten was starting out in her business and put on a fake voice to make out she had a receptionist? Yeah, that didn’t end well.

“I had a guy call wanting to book in a session with his wife for relationship therapy. He was talking and asking questions, and I was answering as the ‘receptionist’. Then he asked me if he could watch. ‘What?’ I asked. ‘Can I watch you and my wife having sex together,’ he said. ‘Oh, no, no, this isn’t the place for that,’ I explained. ‘Just keep talking,’ he said, and I realised that he was masturbating over the phone listening to my receptionist voice,” recalls Otten, with amusement rather than horror. “That’s when I realised I really needed to get an actual receptionist.”

Otten is quick to find the humour in her work. What’s the saying? If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry. That’s the approach Otten takes with life and work. Once again, this is a trait she’s had since childhood.

After Otten’s older sister left their primary school to attend a school that provided support for her disability, she had to find her own voice. “When my sister went to a different school, I felt left behind. I had no friends, so I had to learn how to make friends. I learned how to make people laugh, and became an extroverted introvert,” she says.

Learning how to make friends has paid off. Today, it’s Otten’s friends who keep her grounded. They’re the ones she turns to when she’s struggling with the pressures of her profession and running a 20-person business.

“My best friends are all amazing, deep thinkers. When I’m with them, I’m not the therapist, I’m their friend. I feel very lucky for the community I have around me,” she admits. That community includes Otten’s partner of four years, Dylan Alcott.

As the meet-cute story goes, Otten first laid eyes on Alcott, the champion tennis player and 2022 Australian of the Year, at the launch of his book at the North Fitzroy Library in 2019. It was love at first sight. “I still remember that moment so clearly. I remember looking at him and thinking, ‘That’s my person.’ I didn’t know anything about Dylan – or that he was famous – I just knew that he’d written a book because I was at his book signing. I realised this guy wants a big life, and I was excited to live a big, wonderful life together,” she says.

The feeling was mutual. When Otten had to slip away from the book launch without speaking to Alcott, he found her on Instagram after she posted about the event, and slid into her DMs: “Where the hell did you go?” They’ve been together ever since.

“Dylan has taught me so much about life, about having a purpose and being in a long-term relationship. When you love someone so much, you need to look at yourself and your flaws and consider what you’re bringing to the table. Dylan’s a lot of fun, and sometimes I can be a bit serious, so we’ve taught each other about balance,” says Otten. “There’s no one else out there who makes me feel so excited and passionate about life.”

Alcott, also 32, shares his partner’s passion for breaking down taboos, especially when it comes to changing the misconceptions around disabled people having – and desiring – sex. “A lot of people think that people with a disability don’t have sex, but I’m having the best sex of my life and it’s important for me to say that,” Otten told Stellar magazine in 2020.

Clearly, sex is a big part of her life. But does she ever get tired of talking about it? “Of course I get sick of talking about sex,” admits Otten. “There are times when I’ve been inundated with work and under a lot of pressure, and I’ve hated my job. I’ve had to put a lot of boundaries up.”

When people recognise Otten and come up to her on the street to tell her that they love her work, she feels grateful: “That’s beautiful.” But when people approach her and ask intimate questions or unload their personal issues, Otten takes a step back. She thanks them for wanting to open up to her and suggests they book a session through her clinic.

“There’s a time and place; I can’t give good advice when I don’t know all the details of their situation or medical and sexual history. It’s very complex,” she says. “I was once recognised by a girl on the dance floor at a club in Amsterdam at 3am, and I ran off into the darkness.”

Otten can be blunt. “I’m Dutch,” she explains. “I can be direct, but that’s how I speak, and sometimes I have to be that way. I don’t mind if people don’t like me because I hold boundaries with them. That’s more on them than it is on me.” When Otten speaks about boundaries, her voice is steady and unwavering.

There’s a knowing beneath her words. It’s the voice of someone who’s heard, seen and done some sh*t – and lived to tell the tale. The thing that keeps Otten going through it all is her innate curiosity.

“The best piece of advice I was ever given was to remain curious. My mum gave it to me and I’ve held onto it. People are so complex and I’m forever curious about them,” she says. “They have such amazing private lives – you have no idea about – and they come to share it with me. How lucky am I that I get to hear people’s secrets, and hold those secrets? It’s unbelievable.”

How to have better sex

Four surprisingly simple Chantelle Otten-approved ways to improve your intimacy.

Keep learning

“I want people to remain open to learning more about their sex lives and their partner. We often make the mistake of assuming we know everything about our partner, but there’s so much that goes on behind our outer shells. That mystery is a beautiful thing.”

Get playful

“Toys can add spice to your sexual experience, making it more pleasurable and adding variety for both you and your partner. I like to think of toys like salt and pepper – they might not be needed, but they make everything better.”

Book it in

“OK, this one might seem a little bit naff, but scheduling sex once a week has been shown to increase sexual satisfaction. Even if it’s the same sexual menu every time, it still improves satisfaction. Our sex lives are something we need to work at.”

Talk it out

“When you’re stuck in a sexual rut – and we all get stuck sometimes – don’t be shy to talk about it with someone who can help. That’s what sexologists are here for, to provide a different perspective and give advice on getting more pleasure.”

Complete Article HERE!