Tag Archives: Sex Therapist

I’m not that sexually experienced. How can I be more confident in bed?

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Buck up, champ: Feeling a little anxious about your sexual history (or lack thereof) is totally normal. Here are 10 ways to improve your sexual performance without having to have sex first.

by Vanessa Marin

Everyone has anxiety about being great in bed, but when you don’t have much sexual experience that anxiety can feel sky high. For some guys, that concern about experience turns into a horrible cycle: You don’t feel confident about your sexual experience, so you end up not having sex, and your experience level remains the same.

Here’s the good news: Experience is a good teacher, but you can still learn how to be great in bed without it. Here’s how.

1. Put it in context

As a sex therapist, I can tell you that just about everyone has self-confidence issues when it comes to sex—even people with a lot of experience. The insecurities are different from person to person, but they’re insecurities nonetheless. And keep in mind that many of the women you’re intimate with may be inexperienced or insecure as well. You’re certainly not alone.

2. Do your research

You can school yourself on how to have great sex without having any experience whatsoever. I also recommend Guide To Getting It On: Unzipped by Paul Joannides or The Big Bang by Nerve for general sex education topics like STIs and pregnancy prevention, anatomy, communication, and consent. She Comes First by Ian Kerner is a fantastic guide to the art of pleasuring a woman, and I recommend it to almost every man in my sex therapy practice. Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski is a great book about female sexuality in general.

One caveat: Don’t get your sex education from porn! Porn is meant to be entertainment, not education. Porn sex has very little resemblance to real sex. It’s all about angles, lighting, and editing. Most of the moves you see in porn simply won’t go over well in the real world.

3. Take care of your body

One of the best things you can do to improve your confidence is to take great care of your body. Sex is a physical act. Not only do you need endurance, but you also have to feel comfortable and confident in your own skin. You already know what you should be doing—eat right, get enough sleep, and exercise regularly. Exercise, in particular, can also have added sexual benefits, like increasing your sex drive and improving your erections and your orgasms.

Grooming is important too. Wear clothes that flatter your body and make you feel good. Get your hair cut and your beard trimmed. The better you feel about yourself and your body, the more confident you’ll feel in bed.

4. Masturbate

Yes, masturbation can improve your partnered sex life! Most men masturbate pretty thoughtlessly, zoning out to porn while they try to get the job done as quickly as possible. This actually serves to disconnect you from your body, and decreases your control over your erection and orgasm.

Instead, you can use masturbation to help increase your stamina. First, think of how long you’d like to last with a partner. That becomes your new masturbation session length. During that time, really pay attention to your body. Notice what it feels like when you start getting close to orgasm, and train yourself to back off when you’re on the edge.

You can also practice purposefully losing your erection, then getting it back again. This will help decrease anxiety about losing your erection with a partner.

5. Go slow

When you’re feeling anxious about sex, you’re more likely to rush. Lots of inexperienced men have the tendency to jump right to intercourse, but it’s so much more fun to take your time and go slow. Spend plenty of time on kissing, touching, and performing oral sex, and even slow down your physical movements. A slower pace will help dramatically decrease your anxiety levels.

Plus, keep in mind that most women feel more physical pleasure from oral sex and fingering than from intercourse, and a lot of women love being teased. She’ll appreciate your pace, too.

6. Focus on her pleasure

Being fantastic in bed means genuinely caring about your partner’s pleasure. It’s arguably the most important quality in a great lover. If you spend time specifically focusing on her body—taking your time with her, kissing her all over, fingering her, going down on her—you’re going to impress her way more than the guy who has a ton of experience but is selfish in bed. Plus, seeing the pleasure that you bring her will naturally help you feel more confident.

7. Treat her like an individual

I’m all about sharing sex tips and techniques, but the reality is that every woman likes different things. No one technique is going to work for every woman. This is great news for you because it shows that experience only goes so far. We’re all beginners when we have sex with someone brand new. Try to explore her body with openness and curiosity. Pay attention to how she responds to your touch. Does she moan? Does she start breathing more heavily? Does she arch her body toward you? Don’t be afraid to ask her what she wants or likes! One super-simple way to ask for feedback is to try two different things on her, and ask her, “Do you like it better when I do this or this?”

8. Keep it simple

So many men overly complicate sex, especially when they’re feeling anxious. Technique is important, but you don’t need to go crazy trying out a million different things on her. The key to female orgasm is actually consistency, not complicated tongue maneuvers or finger gymnastics. Switching things up usually throws her off and distracts her. Find something simple that seems to be working for her, and stick with it. Increase your pace and pressure gradually, but stick to the same basic technique.

9. Don’t think of it as a performance

One of the biggest mistakes that sexual newbies make is thinking of sex as a performance. They get overly fixated on the idea of maintaining a perfect erection, having the utmost control over their orgasms, and mastering their technique. But the truth is that no one likes feeling like they’re having sex with a robot. She doesn’t need you to perform for her like a circus animal. She wants to feel connected to you, and she wants to have fun. You can do that, even without any prior sexual experience.

10. Have a sense of humor

Sex is never perfect, no matter how much experience you have. Sex can be awkward, weird, and sometimes downright hilarious. You’re bound to try out a position that doesn’t work, bump foreheads, or get a cramp in your leg. Having a sense of humor is so important in those moments. If you can laugh it off, you’ll get back to the fun much faster.

Complete Article HERE!

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I thought that everything was completely normal down there, but then…

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Name: Shaon
Gender: Male
Age: 20
Location:
I am a 20-year-old male and recently on a forum I post on someone was talking about how they had to get a circumcision as an adult because they had a condition called phimosis. Up until a couple of days ago I thought that everything was completely normal down there, I have been able to masturbate normally for as long as I’ve been doing it. I’ve been doing a lot of reading on the internet about the condition and I think I might have it but I’m not really sure and I can’t bring myself to go to a doctor about it. I don’t have any picture now but I can take some and I’m wondering if you would be able to tell me if I have phimosis simply by looking at pictures. Thanks for your help.

So you’re reading around on the internet…that’s a good thing. What’s not so good is that your casual reading around has brought you to the conclusion that you have a medical condition called phimosis. Even though, up to this point, you believed everything in your nether regions was working perfectly fine.

That’s the problem with having just a little information. It tends to lead to more questions then answers.

For those in our audience unfamiliar with the term phimosis, it’s a condition in which the foreskin of the penis cannot be pulled back past the glans.

Shaon, you’re welcome to send me photos of your unit, but I can’t promise that I’ll be able to tell you for sure if you have phimosis or not. (Remember, I’m not a medical doctor, so don’t expect a medical diagnosis.) If you do send photos, you will have to include some of your erection with your foreskin pulled back as far as it goes.

So, let me ask you a couple of questions.  Can you retract your skin over the top of your dickhead? Are you able to retract your foreskin while your dick is hard as well as soft? When you shower or bathe, do you clean out under your foreskin?

Also, you should know that there are lots of ways to stretch your foreskin, so you shouldn’t ever have to worry about circumcision.

May I suggest that you take your time and read around my site for all the posting and podcasts that I’ve done under the topic “foreskin”? To do that, simply use the CATEGORIES pull-down menu in the sidebar of my site. Look for the heading Body Issues. Under that you will find the word “foreskin”. Every thing is alphabetized for your convenience.

And there’s more under the topic “Uncut”.

Good luck

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Why Your Sex Drive is Crashing and How to Fix It

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Expert tips on how to get your mojo back

By Linda Bradley, MD and Margaret McKenzie, MD

A low sex drive, also known as low libido, is one of the most common issues among our female patients. Most are very relieved to find out they are not alone in this struggle. This generally happens to new moms and menopausal women, or just simply when work and family life takes its stressful toll on a woman.

Sometimes we just aren’t in the mood for sex and that is OK. Being present in your relationship and having a responsive partner are important for continued sexual interest in your relationship. Knowing that fatigue and stress as well as problems in our relationship can cause us to have a low drive, you need to let your doctor know what’s going on in your life because social stressors affect sexuality.

There are a lot of external factors that could hinder your sex drive as well. Are you taking hormones or anti-depressants? How much do you drink? Any new illnesses? Sign of abuse in your relationship? Financial problems? Children or family problems? Lack of privacy in your bedroom? Your health care provider needs to probe deeply to determine if any of these factors may influence your libido. We want to help you get your mojo back and exploring these sensitive topics is warranted. In other words, we’re not being nosy or intrusive.

Women suffering from low sex drive report their sexual desire and receptiveness to sexual activity to be approximately none at all to once a month or even once every couple of months. While there’s no fast and sure cure, the first step to overcoming this would be to recognize it without blame or shame, then brainstorm ways to make sex a priority once again. There are various strategies women can adopt alone or together with their partner.

For instance:

  • Make if a point to enjoy some “you” time in order to de-stress.
  • Relax in a long (hot or cool) bubble bath.
  • Refuel emotionally through meditation or journaling.
  • Exercise regularly to increase your stamina.
  • Schedule a date night with your partner — and stick to it!

If sex is painful, or if hormonal problems are the issue, then medical attention is necessary. Generally, though, women have to come to grips with the fact that a strong, healthy sex drive doesn’t just automatically happen after spending years in a relationship. You must put effort toward it and make it a priority. In addition, as relationships age, and was we and our partner age, other factors like body image, chronic disease, blood pressure medications, anti-depressants, and certain hormonal therapies may impact sexual desire.

Having a lack of desire is one of the most commonly reported sexual issues that our patients bring into the arena of sex. Don’t be afraid to bring this up as many times as you need to. Doctors have many helpful solutions. So be bold and write it on your list of things to discuss at your visit with your doctor so you don’t forget.

Complete Article HERE!

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A new way to think about dementia and sex

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There’s an urgent need for a new ethic of dementia care that supports the facilitation of sexual expression.

By and

Persons living with dementia don’t have sex. Or they have weird sex. Or they have dangerous sex, in need of containment.

When it comes to dementia and sexuality, negative language and apocalyptic warnings abound. The aging population has been described in the media as a “rape case time-bomb.” Health practitioners often respond in punishing ways to sexual activity in residential care. And the sexual rights of persons living with dementia are largely ignored within residential care policy, professional training and clinical guidelines.

As critical social researchers, we argue that a new ethic of dementia care is urgently needed, one that supports the facilitation of sexual expression.

Practitioners and administrators often hold negative and judgmental attitudes about dementia and aged sexuality

Our research at the University of Toronto and the Toronto Rehabilitation Institute-University Health Network investigates embodiment, relationality, ethics and dementia. We are motivated by a shared concern about the reductive focus of dementia care on basic physical needs, and our desire to foster a more humane and life-enriching culture of care. We have explored how the sexualities of persons living with dementia are poorly supported in long-term residential care settings such as nursing homes.

Sex and dementia in the media

When we see persons living with dementia and sex linked in the media, it tends to be in high profile cases of

Institutional policies, structures and practices must support sexual expression.

alleged abuse. One example is the legal trial of Henry Rayhons, an Iowa lawmaker found not guilty of sexually abusing his wife who at the time was living with dementia in a nursing home. Another example is the wider investigation into sexual assaults in nursing homes in Ontario.

Vital as such investigations are to the safety of residents in long-term care, we rarely see sexual expression valued or as fundamental to human flourishing.

Our research has explored how these negative representations of the sexualities of persons living with dementia are also found within long-term residential care settings such as nursing homes.

Practitioners and administrators often hold negative and judgmental attitudes about dementia and aged sexuality. When faced with sexual activity, they can intervene in threatening and punishing ways. And long-term care policies, professional training and clinical guidelines tend to ignore the sexual rights of persons with dementia.

The problem with biomedical ethics

The sexualities of persons living with dementia are considered troubling partly because long-term care polices are shaped by biomedical ethics. This ethical approach relies on four core principles: autonomy, beneficence, non-maleficence and justice. These principles support intervening in residents’ sexual expression if it will cause harm to themselves or cause harm or offence to others.

However, this approach sets the bar for practitioners’ interference excessively high. It can restrict voluntary sexual expression by residents living with dementia in nursing homes.

Biomedical ethics also ignore the performative, embodied and relational aspects of ethical reasoning. It assumes that people are rational autonomous beings. It also assumes that self-expression, including sexuality, results only from cognitive and reflective decision making. Given that dementia involves progressive cognitive impairment, persons living with dementia may be unfairly discriminated against by this approach to sexual decision making.

A duty to support sexual expression

We use a model of relational citizenship to create an alternative ethic in which sexuality is seen as embodied self-expression. It is an ethic that recognizes human beings as embodied and embedded in a lifeworld. And one that views sexuality as an important part of being human.

Social and leisure activities supportive of the development of intimate relationships are essential within nursing homes.

This new ethic broadens the goals of dementia care. No longer do health professionals just have the duty to protect persons with dementia from harm. There is also a duty to support their right to sexual expression.

We argue that institutional policies, structures and practices must also support sexual expression. These should facilitate sexual rights. We must also introduce education for health professionals and the broader public — and policy initiatives to counteract the stigma associated with sexuality and dementia.

Social and leisure activities that are supportive of sexual expression and the development of intimate relationships are also essential within nursing homes.

Of course, protection from unwanted contact or sexual harm is still important. However, freedom of sexual expression should only be restricted when necessary to protect the health and safety of the individuals involved.

Complete Article HERE!

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Gettin’ and Stayin’ Clean

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Name: Augustt
Gender: Male
Age: 52
Location: San Francisco
Hey Doc,
I have been clean from meth for just over 6 years but was a hard-core user (injecting) from 1995 until March of 2002. Since then I have no sex drive and low self-confidence since my usage brought me to having Tardive Dyskinesia. What can I do to bring back my sex drive?

Yep, seven years of slammin’ crystal will seriously fuck ya up, no doubt about it. I heartily commend you on gettin’ and stayin’ clean. CONGRATULATIONS! I know for certain that ain’t easy.

You are right to say that the residual effects of years of meth use can devastate a person’s sexual response cycle. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons people take as long as they do to rid themselves of this poison. While they are using, they are oblivious to the effects meth is having on their sexual expression.

Before we go any further, we’d better define Tardive dyskinesia for our audience. It is a condition characterized by repetitive, involuntary, movements. It’s like having a tic, but much worse. It can include grimacing, rapid eye blinking, rapid arm and leg movements. In other words, people with this condition have difficulty staying still. These symptoms may also induce a pronounced psychological anxiety that can be worse than the uncontrollable jerky movements.

That being said, there is hope for you, Augustt. Regaining a sense of sexual-self post addiction is an arduous, but rewarding task. With your self-confidence in the toilet and zero libido, I suggest that you connect with others in recovery. They will probably be a whole lot more sympathetic to your travail than others.

Try connecting with people on a sensual level as opposed to a sexual level. I am a firm believer in massage and bodywork for this. If needs be, take a class or workshop in massage. Look for the Body Electric School Of Massage. They have load of options. He has created over 100 sex education films, most of which are available at his online schools: www.eroticmassage.com and www.orgasmicyoga.com.

You will be impressed with the good you’ll be able to do for others in recovery as well as yourself. Therapeutic touch — and in my book that also includes sensual touch — soothes so much more than the jangled nerves ravaged by drug and alcohol abuse. It gives the one doing the touch a renewed sense of him/herself a pleasure giver. The person receiving the touch will begin to reawaken sensory perceptions once thought lost.

I encourage you to push beyond the isolation I know you are feeling. Purposeful touching, like massage and bodywork will also, in time help take the edge off your Tardive dyskinesia. I know this can happen. I’ve seen it happen. Augustt, make it happen!

Good luck.

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