Tag: Sex Education

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Women’s sex lives were a mystery to men. Then along came Shere Hite

— A new documentary celebrates the life of the feminist pioneer who shocked the world – and about time too

‘Clever, spikey, ethereal’: Shere Hite in 2006.

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In a society in which nine-year-olds watch pornography and song lyrics are more explicit than The Kama Sutra, the revolution that Shere Hite helped to bring about in the 1970s, employing the words vagina, clitoris and masturbation, on primetime television for a start, is easily forgotten – which is exactly what has happened.

The Disappearance of Shere Hite, a documentary made by Nicole Newnham and produced by Dakota Johnson, and released in the UK this weekend, charts Hite’s rise in the 70s and her decline by the 1990s. “It’s just as simple as know yourself, not your role,” she says as advice to herself. “It’s hellish hard.”

In 1976, The Hite Report: A Nationwide Study of Female Sexuality was published. By the time of the author’s death in 2020, it had sold 48m copies in many countries and was banned in almost a dozen.

The documentary charts how, over a period of four years, Hite had sent out thousands of questionnaires asking detailed questions that probably hadn’t even been asked at the consciousness raising sessions then emerging in the second wave of the women’s movement and at the gatherings in which participants equipped with mirrors took at a look at their own vulvas, aghast or overjoyed with what they spied. It was a fun time to be alive.

“Does your partner realise you come when you come?” Hite asked her anonymous respondents. She received thousands of replies to dozens of detailed questions. One woman was in her 10th week as a cook with an all-male crew on a freighter in the North Sea. “I enjoy sex,” she wrote, in itself a challenge to the prevailing stereotype that nice girls thought it an unpleasant but necessary business. “I enjoy sex… but never have I experienced a more concentrated dose of chauvinism than being the only woman on a freighter with young men I am unwilling to fuck.”

In the documentary, Shere (pronounced “share”, born Shirley Diana Gregory) Hite talks coolly about the shocking revelation (at least to many men) that women had orgasms easily when they masturbated and that they preferred clitoral stimulaton to vaginal penetrative sex, a challenge to what the sexologists Masters and Johnson had asserted.

Whether you agreed with her or not – and plenty of feminists such as the redoubtable Lynne Segal in Straight Sex rightly took her to task for her oversimplification – Hite was trying to point out that the lack of words to portray the female sexual experience was an example of the patriarchy in action. The clitoris, whose only role is to provide pleasure, might have been discovered and illustrated in medical journals in the 17th century but by the early 20th century its value had been eroded.

In 1987, Hite published Women and Love: A Cultural Revolution in Progress. Her responses this time told her that women were fed up, they wanted intimacy and emotional connectedness with men. I interviewed her at the time. As the documentary portrays very accurately, Hite was unique: clever, spikey, ethereal with almost see-through alabaster skin, a cloud of curls, white eyelashes and a soft, baby voice. As an interviewee in the documentary says, Hite had made herself a brand. In the 1970s and 80s, it still wasn’t acceptable to be female with a brain, beauty, wit and a publicly viewed vulva (Hite had hers photographed often by the German photographer Iris Brosch in later years); a scholar and a slut.

The joy of the documentary is that it provides a history of the women’s movement in which Hite felt at home. Bisexual, she was an advocate for gay rights at a time when it was dangerous to do so. She had featured in Playboy, and, as a model, in an ad for Olivetti typewriters: ”The typewriter that’s so smart she doesn’t have to be.” Sexism was that bad, and worse.

Hite confessed to her modelling past and the liberationists took her to their heart. On one occasion, she asked those in the room to raise their hands if they masturbated; nobody moved. The idea for the first Hite report was born.

Hite, whose 16-year-old mother dumped her with her grandparents, had two history degrees. When she and her fellow activists picketed Washington’s National Museum of Natural History – “the Unnatural History Museum – women were only portrayed stirring a pot and holding a baby. I was studying the past,” Hite says in the documentary. “Because I couldn’t understand the present… why couldn’t everyone have an equal chance?”

Hite wrote half a dozen books; her report on women’s sex lives was followed by The Hite Report on Male Sexuality, published in 1981 and drawn from 7,239 questionnaires. Reading some, her editor, Bob Gottlieb, said: “I haven’t had many sadder experiences as an editor in my life.” Men said they were lonely, some were afraid. Other men reacted angrily. The backlash had already begun because Hite called herself a social scientist.

In a letter to the New York Times in 1981, she noted that “science” comes from the Latin root “to know”. Hite had employed percentages in her books – but percentages of what, her critics asked? Seventy per cent of 10 or 1,000? Regardless of the numbers, as Oprah Winfrey says in the documentary, “Nobody can deny there’s a problem.”

By the 1990s, Hite was in financial trouble and couldn’t get her books published in the US. In 1996, she became a German citizen, having married Friedrich Höricke, a couple of decades her junior in 1985. She developed Alzheimer’s disease and Parkinson’s and died aged 77. In her New York Times review of The Hite Report, Erica Jong quotes a character in Doris Lessing’s The Golden Notebook (1962): “Women of any sense know better, after all these centuries, than to interrupt when men start telling them how they feel about sex.” Shere Hite deserves to be remembered.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Are the Benefits of a Prostate Massage?

By Wendy Wisner

A prostate massage involves stimulating and massaging the prostate gland with a finger or sex toy for either sexual release or to treat a medical condition like prostatitis, an enlarged prostate, urinary hesitancy, or erectile dysfunction. 1

The prostate gland is a small, walnut-shaped organ located just below the bladder and in front of the rectum. Its main job is to make the seminal fluid — semen — that helps sperm travel and survive in the acidic environment of a vagina. 2

Although major medical organizations and independent healthcare providers don’t often promote a prostate massage as a medical procedure or therapy, it’s been used for over 100 years to treat conditions such as chronic prostatitis. 3

A prostate massage can be a circular type of motion, or an application of gentle pressure. It’s usually performed by a medical professional, or can also be performed by a significant other. Some people choose to self-stimulate their prostate with sex toys or fingers.

Here are the health benefits of a prostate massage, risks, and how to safely and effectively perform a prostate massage.

The health benefits of prostate massage are based on very limited studies and many of the studies are old studies. However, there is some evidence that massaging the prostate has medical advantages.

May Help With Urinary Flow

The prostate can become enlarged as people age, a condition known as benign prostatic hyperplasia (BPH).2 BPH can cause the urethra to be compressed, and lead to issues with urination, such as incomplete bladder emptying, trouble starting urine, or dribbling at the end of urination.

An older 2006 study that looked at urine retention in older males found that prostate massage, combined with antimicrobial therapy and alpha-blocker therapy, helped resolve urinary retention, and allowed for effective urination in all study participants. 4

Any urination issues such as painful urination, limited flow, feeling of not being able to empty your bladder, incontinence, or blood in urine warrants a visit to a healthcare provider such an urologist.

May Help Treat Prostatitis

Prostatitis is swelling and inflammation of the prostate gland. It can be caused by a urinatiry tract infection (UTI) or a bladder infection. Although prostate massages have historically been used to treat prostatitis, research is mixed on its effectiveness.

For example, an older study from 2006 found that prostate massages were helpful for some people with chronic prostatitis, but these improvements were not significant and the study researchers deemed it needed more research.5 Another old study found that prostate massages may be helpful in treating prostatitis — specifically when combined with antibiotics.6

However, a more recent systematic review from 2018 concluded that it’s unclear whether prostate massages decrease or increase prostatitis symptoms. 7

Does it Improve Erectile Dysfunction?

People often cite prostate massages as a treatment for erectile dysfunction. However, there is no clear evidence linking prostate massage with improved sexual function.7 Still, an older published case study from 2004 found that prostate massages improved the sexual function of an elderly man.4 Other anecdotal reports similar to this have circulated, leading people to believe that prostate massage may help with sexual dysfunction. 4

May Enhance Sexual Pleasure

The prostate gland is often referred to as the male “G spot” or “P spot.” There is evidence to back up the notion that stimulation of the prostate during sex can be highly pleasurable and result in more intense orgasms. Although there is little understanding of the medical reasons behind this, studies describe rectal stimulation of the prostate as producing “ecstatic feelings” that may be even more pleasurable than stimulating the penis. 1

Prostate massage and prostate milking are similar, and both involve stimulation of the prostate through the rectum. Prostate milking is usually associated with sexual pleasure, and  its goal is to release seminal fluid from the prostate, which is released during an orgasm. Whereas prostate massage is sometimes medical in nature. 2

There are no known adverse effects associated with prostate massage.7 But the tissues lining the prostate and rectum are delicate and vulnerable to tears and abrasions. Massaging the prostate too roughly can easily lead to discomfort and soreness. A 2009 study that looked at self-administered prostate massages for the treatment of urinary tract symptoms among older males found that about 8% of study participants complained of rectal soreness with treatment. 8

Prostate massage is advised against certain medical conditions. For example, the American Academy of Family Physicians Foundation (AAFP) has warned that prostate massage should be avoided if you have acute bacterial prostatitis, or if you have a suspected case. 9< Anyone who is interested in having a prostate massage performed should check with their healthcare provider first, especially if they have any known medical conditions. Prostate massage should not be substituted for proper medical care or medical screenings of the prostate. Periodic prostate cancer screening is recommended for males aged 55 through 69. 10

Prostate massages may be performed by your healthcare provider, by your partner, or yourself. When performed by a healthcare provider, the massage may be similar to a rectal exam, where your healthcare provider inserts a gloved finger into your rectum, examines your prostate, and gently massages.

If you or your partner are performing a prostate massage, here are some things to keep in mind:

  • The massage should be done with clear consent, and should be stopped if discomfort or pain is experienced.
  • It’s important to thoroughly wash your hands or sex toys before insertion; some people prefer to wear gloves.
  • Liberal use of lubricant is advised.
  • To begin, insert your finger a few inches into the anus.
  • Locate the prostate, which will feel like a small lump.
  • Gently massage the prostate by moving your finger in a circular motion, or whatever motion feels comfortable and/or pleasurable.
  • For people who are uncomfortable with rectal stimulation, the prostate can be stimulated by massage and pressure on the perineum, which is the area located between the anus and scrotum.11 However, it may not be easy to find it that way. 

A prostate massage involves gentle stimulation of the prostate gland by inserting a finger or sex toy into the rectum, locating the prostate, and massaging. Prostate massages may have some medical benefits, such as reducing symptoms of prostatitis and helping with urine flow.74 However, the evidence for medical benefits is limited.

Many find prostate massage highly pleasurable and prostate massage may result in more intense orgasms. 1 Although prostate massage appears to be a relatively safe practice, it’s important to touch base with your healthcare provider before getting a prostate massage, especially if you have any underlying medical conditions. 7

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Bird Sighting Just Reaffirmed That Nature Is Queer

— The half-male half-female Green Honeycreeper joins the ranks of genderqueer lionesses, the “Leaping Lesbian Lizard,” and other “drag queens in the sky.”

By Ananya Singh

Hamish Spencer, zoologist and Distinguished Professor at the University of Otago, was on holiday in Colombia when ornithologist John Murillo drew his attention to a striking bird at a bird-feeding station in a nature reserve. Save for a few feathers here and there, this Green Honeycreeper seemed to be neatly divided down its middle with brilliant blue plumage – resembling males of the species – on its right side, and green plumage – observed in females – on its left. The two watched this bird between the end of 2021 and mid-2023, observing its behavior in relation to other members of its species. As their report notes, this bird is only the second example of “bilateral gynandromorphism” in this species – a trait where animals present with both male and female characteristics in species that usually have distinct sexes.

This “extremely rare,” half-male and half-female bird soon made headlines. After all, it was the first record of this phenomenon in this species in over a 100 years. But this sighting also reiterated what some scientists have long been pointing to – that our understanding of sex as a biological binary of male and female may, in fact, be a simplistic reduction of a far more complex reality.

“Many birdwatchers could go their whole lives and not see a bilateral gynandromorph in any species of bird,” Spencer said in a statement. While considered rare, this trait has previously been observed in spiders, bees, butterflies, lizards, and stick insects among others. Scientists have also found these seemingly gender binary-defying individuals in other bird species, such as the northern cardinal (a non-binary icon, according to X) and the rose-breasted grosbeak. The northern cardinal even inspired Pattie Gonia, an environmental drag activist, to create a look based on it. “We see queerness and gender queerness demonstrated in birds like the [chimera] cardinal so vividly… Birds are drag queens in the sky,” Gonia told Audobon Magazine.

In its most simplistic form, sex in humans seems to hinge upon the presence or absence of the Y chromosome, which determines the reproductive organs one possesses. Sex, according to this understanding, casts individuals as either male or female and is one of the foundational pillars upon which our society has been constructed – prescribing roles, granting opportunities, and determining whose rights are championed and whose sidelined. But several scientists have pointed out that sex as a binary is false. Arthur Arnold, a biologist at the University of California, Los Angeles, told Scientific American in 2018, “The main problem with a strong dichotomy is that there are intermediate cases that push the limits and ask us to figure out exactly where the dividing line is between males and females… And that’s often a very difficult problem, because sex can be defined a number of ways.” That is, sex in humans (as in animals) is far more complex.

Agustín Fuentes, a professor of anthropology at Princeton University, pointed to emerging research data that shows how binary explanations of human sex “are either wholly incorrect or substantially incomplete.” Biology has been wielded as a tool to exclude queer people. Fuentes writes, “Given what we know about biology across animals and in humans, efforts to represent human sex as binary based solely on what gametes one produces are not about biology but are about trying to restrict who counts as a full human in society.”

Look to the natural world and countless examples emerge to challenge the fallacies around sex, gender and sexuality. These examples call into question what humans have long considered “natural.” It is an idea inherent in the field of queer ecology that draws upon the ecofeminist movement and expands it beyond binary thinking, instead championing a more fluid and diverse understanding of the world, and our relationship with it. Nature, as countless species show, is queer.

Take the clownfish, for instance. They live in groups where only two – the dominant male and female are mates. When the female dies, the male changes its sex to become female before selecting the next male from the group to become its mate. Male bearded dragons, meanwhile, reverse their sex under warm temperatures to become female while still within the egg. Banana slugs are “simultaneous hermaphrodites” – they possess and use both their male and female reproductive organs to mate with a partner or even themselves. In Botswana, five gender-queer lionesses alarmed scientists when they grew a mane and developed male-like behaviors, including a deeper roar and mounting other females. Then there is the New Mexico lizard, which is a species that entirely comprises females. They mate, lay eggs and reproduce like others. According to scientists, this is a form of asexual reproduction known as parthenogenesis. Just like the “non-binary” cardinal, this lizard – also referred to as “Leaping Lesbian Lizard,” also became a queer icon, inspiring not only art, but even a Pokémon and the name of a college frisbee team.

A key way in which nature challenges the heterosexual ideal is through the sheer prevalence of same-sex behavior. Homosexuality, reports say, has been documented in 1500 species – from dolphins and giraffes to penguins and starfish. It’s ironic when viewed historically, where the supposed absence of homosexuality in animals has been used time and again to fuel homophobia and deem homosexuality a “crime against nature” itself. The emperor penguin, for instance, was lauded by American conservatives as upholding traditional family values after a film depicted them in monogamous relationships. Penguins, however, may be socially monogamous, but aren’t so sexually, Eliot Schrefer, author of “Queer Ducks (and Other Animals): The Natural World of Animal Sexuality,” wrote in The Washington Post. Some may even be bisexual, Schrefer noted. Just last year, a pair of male penguins successfully fostered an egg at the Rosamund Gifford Zoo in New York, while in 2019, another pair of male penguins at the Berlin zoo co-parented an abandoned egg after having attempted to hatch stones and even a dead fish.

Same-sex behavior across species also challenges the prevailing notion that sex in the natural world only occurs for the goal of reproduction. Instead, there are many reasons for same-sex behavior – from building social bonds and resolving conflict to simply gaining pleasure. Recently, a lot more research has emerged on same-sex relationships in nature, perhaps due to changing gender norms. In the past, observations of same-sex behavior had scientists either decrying it as “depravity” or avoiding publishing findings, due to their own biases or to prevent disapproval from the scientific community, noted Schrefer.

As Ingrid Bååth wrote in Climate Culture, “Not only does our understanding of nature become the baseline for what we believe to be natural, but also what we believe to be moral or good behaviour… We interpret nature based on our inherent biases and use our biased understanding of nature to defend and justify those societal biases we have.”

These biases stem from predominantly Western notions of gender and sexuality that have been imposed upon the human and nonhuman worlds, Willow Defebaugh noted in Atmos. It creates dualities of “opposing” categories – pitting humans against nature, man against woman – separating one from the other in a power hierarchy. “Binary thinking, in any form, is rooted in a Western colonial view of the world in which one must always be subjugated by the other,” Katy Constantinides wrote for Climate Policy Lab.

A queer ecological framework, on the other hand, shows us that there is no one way to be masculine or feminine and that these categories may not exist in nature as we know it. It positions humans as a part of nature rather than distinct from it, leveling the power dynamics from an extractive to a community-oriented one. Nature is fluid, queer, and resists categorization as per human cultural perceptions and biases. As queer ecologists point out, acknowledging that may be the first step to repairing our relationship with the natural – as well as human – world.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Talking About Sex is So Awkward

— Sex is everywhere, but talking about is still so taboo. Here’s how to begin to change that.

By Sabrina Winter

Gianna Bacio makes a living doing something most people are uncomfortable with: talking about sex. And she’s been doing it day in, day out for the past 13 years, especially on Instagram and TikTok.

Today, great TV shows like Sex Education have begun demystifying the topic, but we’re still very far from comfortable and positive discussions about what we like in bed. We asked Bacio why that is and what we can do about it.

VICE: Hey Gianna. When was the first time you talked about sex?
Gianna Bacio: I was 4 years old. I was sitting in the back seat of my parents’ car, playing with Barbie and Ken, when Barbie said, “Ken, let’s fuck!” That’s how my family still tells the story to this day.

People hate talking about sex, but for you, it seems fun.
I’ve always enjoyed it. I remember an evening with my friends, I was maybe 19 or 20, where we met up with plans to go out later. I just threw the question out there: “What do you do with the sperm after having sex?”

Some friends found it totally gross and shut it down, but I thought it was an important question. I wanted to share my experiences and learn from others. Maybe I was just oversharing.

Why do people get so embarrassed?
Shame is a crucial part of embarrassment. The ability to feel shame is innate, but it’s only later that it really kicks in with socialization. When children hear, “Yuck,” “That’s gross,” or “Stop that,” they become insecure. Talking about personal preferences is considered shameful in our culture, just as opening your mouth in public is shameful in Japan, for example.

Does shame have any positive connotations?
Well, if we look at evolution, yes. For humans, group survival was crucial and bodily responses like blushing signal: “This is uncomfortable for me.” Today, it’s become unnecessary in many situations, though.

So shame gets in the way of good sex. But it’s only part of the explanation, right?
Yes, during sex, we are usually naked. This vulnerability should not be underestimated when talking about sex. We make ourselves vulnerable, we reveal something about ourselves. Plus, sex has long been considered forbidden and dirty. And that’s even more the case with female pleasure – we’ve only begun openly talking about it in the past few decades.

Why is that?
We haven’t come very far in terms of gender equality. While there has been a revolution on women’s rights, the Church – which has had a huge influence in Europe for many centuries – made sex and masturbation taboo. Today, few people are religious, but we still don’t learn to talk about sex.

Who should teach us? Parents? Teachers? The internet?
Parents, of course, are role models. People often ask me: When is the right time for sex education? I think there doesn’t need to be a big moment. If you talk about sex openly, you’ll notice when a child develops their curiosity. Then they’ll ask questions, and you can answer them.

You have a young son. What questions does he ask?
My son is almost 5 and is very curious. He sees many books at home dealing with the body. Recently, at the library, he held up a book about bodies and said, “Look Mom, you like these kinds of books.” Of course, he knows what I do for work and asks many questions.

What should schools teach about sex?
I was recently in a classroom and could feel the embarrassment. It manifested as a lot of giggling. But it was even worse in the teachers’ lounge, there was even more giggling.

The problem is, in school, you only learn how to protect yourself – whether from pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections. The joyful, positive aspects of sex are rarely discussed.

In one of your Instagram posts, you wrote that good sex can be learned. How?
There’s this assumption you should just be able to have sex, that it’s innate. Either it works, or it doesn’t. Some believe they just need the perfect partner. That’s mostly nonsense.

I believe that if you’re willing to put in the effort, you can have good sex or a good relationship with anyone. You have to educate yourself, experiment, communicate, and figure out what pleases you.

How do you start doing that?
You have to get over yourself, of course. One strategy is to dive into the deep end. For example, you can say to your partner: “Hey, let’s sit down tomorrow at 6PM and talk about sex.” This involves revealing intimate details, stating your own needs, and discussing preferences.

How do you even find out about your preferences?
That’s not easy. Our attention and thoughts often focus on the other person and what they like. It can be worth asking yourself: Where do I want to be touched? What makes sex good to me? Opening up isn’t easy. People often message me about it.

What kinds of messages do you receive?
Sometimes women write to me that they’ve been faking an orgasm for years. They ask me: “How can I now say it was never real?”

What do you advise them?
Well, either they live with the lie or they overcome this hurdle. Often, I sense a desire for change in these messages. But you have to do something about it. It’s probably awkward to talk about sex for the first time. But I promise: It gets easier over time. 

What helped you?
Repetition. And therapy.

Therapy isn’t always accessible, nor is jumping into the deep end. What else can you do to talk more about sex?
Perhaps with a game. Then, there’s an external entity raising questions and stimulating reflection.

Are these topics harder for men or women?
Often for men.

Why?
This sounds like a stereotype, but unfortunately, men talk less and are less open. When they do talk about sex, it’s more about performance. They don’t frequently ask themselves what they would like.

Not talking about sex is bad, but having sex without your partner’s consent is worse. How can we communicate more clearly about that?
Here we are again with the question: What do I like, and what do I want? It helps to listen to your gut feeling. When we don’t want something, we notice it, and we should trust ourselves. If we don’t, we also harm our self-esteem and confidence because we betray ourselves.

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Erika Lust, the creator of The Porn Conversation

— ‘We are not used to educating about sex beyond the risks it can pose’

Erika Lust

The adult film director has created a non-profit online platform that seeks to give parents and educators the tools they need to discuss pornography and sexuality with children and teenagers

By Cristina Bisbal Delgado

Erika Lust, 46, has been directing and producing adult films for over 15 years. But her films have little to do with the mainstream porn accessed by teenagers and pre-teens at increasingly younger ages. Through her production company, ERIKALUST, the Swedish director tries to “show sex as something natural, debunking stereotypes and promoting diversity and mutual pleasure.”

Lust is the producer of what she describes as feminist porn — an authentic and egalitarian representation of human sexuality without gender stereotypes — and the mother of two teenage daughters. These perspectives inform the website she created, The Porn Conversation. Her non-profit online organization aims to serve “as a resource for parents and educators who wish to address the issue of pornography with their children and students in a healthy and informative way.” The Porn Conversation offers free guides and tools for parents, educators and young people; the resources were created in collaboration with sexologists and social educators. The Barcelona-based director created The Porn Conversation with her husband Pablo Dobner; it was inaugurated in April 2023.

Question. How did the idea of creating The Porn Conversation come to you?

Answer. I realized that the parents at my daughters’ school didn’t know how to tell their children what I did for a living, let alone have a conversation about sex and porn. Talking about porn was taboo, although their children watched it on the sly and internalized its messages without further context or explanation. The goal of this website is to provide tools, guides and tips for having honest and educational conversations about media information around porn.

Q. Is mainstream porn a real problem?

A. It is true that much of the pornographic content that is regularly consumed shows unrealistic stereotypes and, sometimes, a distorted view of sex, which can affect viewers’ perception of what sex is. That is why it is very important for both adults and young people to have a good and complete sex education, as well as be informed about the options available on the internet in terms of erotic content. Additionally, it is important to understand that porn is fiction for the purpose of entertainment, not a realistic representation of what sexual relations should be like.

Q. Do you think parents are aware of the true magnitude of this problem?

A. Are we generally aware of the magnitude of the problem of the lack of sex education? Often, young people access this content because it is the only place where they think they can learn [about sex]. Again, the most important thing is to educate ourselves and be prepared to start open and honest conversations — free of sexual taboos — with our children, so that they know what they can find on these websites, and that such material can never replace sex education.

Q. What would be the right age to have that conversation?

A. I always recommend starting the conversation as soon as the young person shows interest in their own sex life. The earlier we try to address this issue through information and education, not guilt and punishment, the easier it will be for young people to make decisions aligned with their values when it comes to consuming sexual content, if they choose to do so.

Q. Talking about porn with children is very hard for parents. What do you think makes it so difficult?

A. Our society’s taboos and lack of sex education are probably what makes it so difficult. Many parents may also feel uncomfortable or insecure talking about sex, since they themselves did not have adequate sex education and probably don’t know where to start. However, it is important to overcome these obstacles and approach the subject openly and nonjudgmentally. We must provide accurate information, encourage dialogue, and answer our children’s questions in an honest and understanding way.

Q. How should it be addressed at home?

A. At home, it is crucial to create an environment of trust and openness in which children feel safe talking about sex and pornography. We must critically educate about pornography [by] explaining its differences with real sexual relationships and promoting the importance of consent, respect and mutual pleasure. As a mother, I have had to have this conversation personally, and I have always sought to create that atmosphere of trust that I am talking about, so that [my children] could ask me questions and express their concerns without the fear of being judged. It is important that we break down sexual taboos so that young people can develop healthy relationships in the future!

Q. What should parents consider when starting the conversation?

A. It is essential that it take place in a comfortable, private place with water available, in case it is needed during the conversation. Keep in mind that this conversation may also take several attempts; or even involve several conversations, because it may be awkward at first. We are not used to talking about sex, and as parents or educators we are not used to educating about sex beyond the risks it can pose. That’s why I recommend a lot of patience, love and listening.

Q. Sex education is not offered at schools. What would be your approach? What do you think it should be like?

A. We should incorporate comprehensive sex education that responsibly addresses issues such as consent, body diversity, identity and sexuality, healthy relationships and pornography. In addition, it is essential that sex education courses be constantly updated to reflect the reality and needs of today’s young people.

Q. Your website has downloadable materials that are grouped by age. What are the keys for each age group?

A. Between the ages of 8 and 11, I recommend focusing on privacy, boundaries and respect for others. Between the ages of 12 and 15, more specific topics can be addressed, such as consent, communication and the diversity of sexualities, identities, bodies, etc. From the age of 16 on, it is important to talk to adolescents about sexuality as a natural and healthy expression, and to promote a positive view of consensual sex.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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10 must-read books that reimagine sex and power in 2024

— Dive into diverse perspectives on sex, relationships, and reproductive rights with these 10 thought-provoking reads for a sex-positive year.

Dive into diverse perspectives on sex, relationships, and reproductive rights with these 10 thought-provoking reads for a sex-positive year.

By Annabel Rocha

If one of your new year’s resolutions is to read more books, Reckon has you covered. Whether you’re looking for a way to introduce healthy sex discussions to your children, or learn more about the history of abortion in the U.S., here are 10 sex-positive books to add to your collection in 2024.

“Vaginas and Periods 101: A Pop-Up Book” by Christian Hoeger and Kristin Lilla

Talking to kids about reproductive anatomy can be intimidating, but experts say that teaching children the correct terms for their genitals prevents shame and promotes bodily autonomy and safety.

This intro to vaginas and periods book is visually interesting, informative, and inclusive. It features a pop up vulva to provide a more realistic idea of anatomy, explaining that varying shapes and colors are normal.

According to the 2023 State of the Period survey, 90% of teens think schools should normalize menstruation and 81% said they wanted more in-depth education about menstrual health. This book provides a platform to introduce these conversations and answer some basic questions even adults may have wrong.

“The Book of Radical Answers: Real Questions from Real Kids Just Like You” by Sonya Renee Taylor

Award-winning poet and activist Sonya Renee Taylor writes books that make seemingly big topics like puberty and gender approachable for young people, with Taylor’s idea of radical self love infiltrated through the messaging. This book includes questions asked by real kids between the ages of 10 and 14. Taylor approaches many of these questions using her own life stories to humanize the experience, and answer the questions as a friend, someone the reader knows, rather than an unapproachable health expert.

“Red Moon Gang: An Inclusive Guide to Periods” by Tara Costello

According to UNICEF, 1.8 billion people around the world menstruate monthly but menstrual health education in the United States is not sufficient. YouGov found that 48% of adults “were not very or not at all prepared” for their first period, in a March 2023 poll.

In comes Red Moon Gang, which takes an inclusive guide into periods, hormonal fluctuations and what they mean, and how conditions like endometriosis and polycystic ovary syndrome can impact one’s cycle. This book goes beyond what is typically taught in schools, explaining how periods can be especially challenging to people experiencing homelessness, as well as people with disabilities.

“My Mom Had an Abortion” by Beezus B. Murphy

For those who love visuals, this short and sweet graphic novel tells a coming of age story of a protagonist learning about menstruation, her body and abortion as it affected her family. This narrative puts the topic of abortion in context of a real-life situation, making the reader – especially those who have not experienced abortion themselves – question their own preconceived notions about abortion.

“You’re the Only One I’ve Told” by Dr. Meera Shah

Chief medical officer of Planned Parenthood Hudson Peconic in New York, Dr. Meera Shah, compiled a collection of abortion stories told to her, humanizing the experience and illustrating the wide range of circumstances that contribute to one’s decision to have an abortion.

Shah shared an excerpt in Teen Vogue that tells the experience of a genderqueer teen in the Bible belt that needs their dad’s permission to have the procedure due to abortion restrictions in theri state.

“No Choice: The Destruction of Roe v. Wade and the Fight to Protect a Fundamental American Right” by Becca Andrews

Reckon’s very own former reproductive justice reporter Becca Andrews gives an in-depth look at the fight for Roe and the landscape left behind once it was overturned. This is a great read for anyone looking to catch up with how the battle for abortion rights has gone down, or for those looking for insight into the history that got us here.

“Countering Abortionsplaining: How People of Color Can Reclaim Our Stories and Right History” by Renee Bracey Sherman and Regine Mahone

Abortion and midwifery bans are rooted in white supremacy, as the existence of Black and Indigenous midwives stood in the way of white men’s obstetrics and gynecology practices, and enslaved women using cotton root to induce miscarriages threatened future generations for slaveholders to force into labor, according to New Lines Magazine. Abortion restrictions continue to disproportionately impact people of color, with 42% of people receiving abortions in 2021 identifying as Black. Yet, many prominent media abortion portrayals and the reproductive justice movement itself have been accused of being white-washed by women of color.

We spoke with author Renee Bracey Sherman in October about her take on Britney Spears and the importance of sharing abortion stories. Bracey Sherman coauthors this book with journalist Regine Mahone, attempting to provide the full picture of the reproductive justice narrative, providing a history of people of color’s experiences with and contributions to the abortion justice movement.

Scheduled to release in October 2024

“DIY: The Wonderfully Weird Science and History of Masturbation” by Dr. Eric Sprankle

Science says that masturbation is healthy and normal, yet like other aspects of human sexuality, it is surrounded by stigma and shame. Sprankle writes about the history of masturbation suppression, including doctors who run treatment programs for masturbation addiction and pastors who preach believe that masturbation creates mermaids.

On sale March 19, 2024

“The Furies: Women, Vengeance and Justice” by Elizabeth Flock

This book crosses borders and cultures to explore how power dynamics and gender impact women’s safety. Author Elizabeth Flock centers the stories of an Alabama women denied protection of the Stand-Your-Ground law after she killed a man she accused of raping her, a leader of an Indian gang that claims to avenge victims of domestic abuse, and a member of an all-women militia that’s battled ISIS in Syria.

According to the book description, each of these women “chose to use lethal force to gain power, safety, and freedom when the institutions meant to protect them—government, police, courts—utterly failed to do so.”

On sale January 9, 2024

“The Pregnancy Police: Conceiving Crime, Arresting Personhood” by Grace Howard

Fetal personhood and pregnancy criminalization were major issues in 2023, but they aren’t a new phenomenon. Even before the overturning of Roe, people have been punished for the decisions they’ve made regarding their fetuses, with surveillance by healthcare workers contributing to cases against pregnant people.

In this book, Howard analyzes thousands of arrest records documenting the history of pregnancy criminalization from eugenics to the present day.

Scheduled to release in June 2024

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How Long Is Too Long Without Sex in a Relationship?

— The answer is…complicated.

By Kayla Blanton

If you and your significant other suddenly feel a bit distant—whether it’s due to a post-honeymoon dip in excitement or the wedge of chaotic work schedules—it’s easy to spiral about the relationship’s fate, and Google: How long is too long to go without sex? There, you’ll find plenty of articles that attempt to answer your question—including this one—but the reality is, there is no way to hack to the nuanced form of connection that is human sexuality.

Meet the Experts: Juliana Hauser, Ph.D., a sex and marriage therapist and member of Kindra’s Advisory Board and Tatiana Rivera, L.I.C.S.W., a clinical and social work therapist with ADHDAdvisor.org.

Sex is one of the most universal pillars of well-being and relationships. It contributes to emotional intimacy, bonding, and “overall life satisfaction,” explains Juliana Hauser, Ph.D., a sex and marriage therapist and member of Kindra’s Advisory Board. However, the importance of sex—and what it looks like—varies among individuals and couples.

Still, with the help of experts, we took our best crack at better understanding dry spells, not wanting sex, or even wanting sex at different times. Keep reading for tips on how to enhance sexual connection, and to for our answer the ever-elusive existential question:

How long is too long without sex in a relationship?

“I don’t believe there’s a universal timeline,” says Hauser. “Every relationship is unique, and factors like life changes, overall stress, time constraints, physical and mental health, and communication styles, among many other factors, all play into the opportunity and desire for sexual connection.”

As a sex and relationship therapist, Hauser adds that she’s seen a variety of timelines work for her clients. “If there is mutual satisfaction within the relationship, there’s no arbitrary time frame that defines a healthy sexual connection,” she says.

On the flip side, Tatiana Rivera, L.I.C.S.W., a clinical and social work therapist with ADHDAdvisor.org says if she had to put parameters around it, on average, a “dry spell” could be defined as going without sex or any form of sexual contact for two to six months. But Hauser prefers not to use the term “dry spell” at all, “as it can use feelings of guilt, shame, or inadequacy, which only makes things worse,” she says, adding: “I see a lack of sexual connection in a relationship as a concern only when it causes distress or dissatisfaction for one or both partners.”

An important sidebar: Hauser prefers the term “sexual connection” as opposed to just “sex” when having this discussion, because there are many ways to engage in it outside of penetrative sex, “such as giving each other massages, a passionate kiss, sensual snuggling, and more,” she says. “In many cases, having long talks beneath the covers or sharing a deep conversation over dinner can feel incredibly sexually stimulating and that all counts in my book.”

Hauser continues: “What’s important is to define what each person needs to feel an intimate connection and to be intentional about cultivating those moments.” The catch is, those needs will likely be ever-changing. “What feels connected and intimate one week may look different the next, and committing to the journey with your partner while keeping communication front and center is more important than the acts themselves,” she adds.

How much sex is healthy in a relationship?

“It’s perfectly normal and expected for sexual patterns and frequency to change over time,” says Hauser. However, as a frame of reference, one 2017 study found that the average adult had sex 54 times per year, which is about once a week. Another 2015 study found that near-weekly frequency led to the greatest happiness in couples. “There are many scientific investigations establishing that healthy intimacy occurs two to three times a week,” adds Rivera.

If your sex life doesn’t match up to these numbers, you shouldn’t feel behind, because, again, every couple is different. “Couples I admire and believe are mutually supportive of each other, while maintaining a strong sense of self, find a balance that fulfills both partners’ needs and desires, and encourages and supports an open dialogue,” Hauser says.

Reasons you’re not having sex

Dips in libido can often be attributed to work, family, health, or life changes like menopause, explains Hauser. “What matters most is the quality of intimacy and the emotional connection shared by the couple,” she adds.

How to improve your sex life

If your quality of life becomes affected by a fluctuating sex life, Hauser and Rivera say it’s a good idea to create a plan of action. Here are some of their tips:

Communicate openly

If you’re dissatisfied sexually, your partner can’t know that unless you verbalize it, which, yes, is easier said than done. “What I find to be essential is open and honest communication about desires, needs, and expectations,” says Hauser. If you’re on the receiving end of concerns, it’s also important to show patience, empathy, and understanding, while also advocating for your needs, she adds.

Try the four quadrants exercise

One of Hauser’s favorite exercises for communication about sex is what she calls the four quadrants exercise, which can help you explore your sexual fantasies as a couple. Divide a piece of paper into four and label the quadrants as follows: 1. Things I have done and would like to do again, 2. Things I have done once and would not do again, 3. Things I have not done and would like to try, 4. Things I have not done and do not want to try.

“Fill it out separately, then discuss your lists together. Keep an open mind and maybe you’ll feel excited about trying something new, or can agree to discontinue something you both aren’t enjoying,” she says.

Tap into all of your senses

Again, sexual connection doesn’t always have to look a specific way. “I love guiding clients to explore their senses and sensuality outside of traditional sexual connection in order to reboot,” says Hauser. “Think of the senses you have access to and incorporate time in your day to reconnect with the smells, tastes, and sights that bring you joy, that keep you in the present moment, and that light you up. It’s amazing how powerful this practice can be.”

Develop a sexual toolbox

Kindra-Harris poll that surveyed women over 50 found that more than half of them keep a “sexual toolbox” equipped with lubricants, toys, and other products that help make sex as enjoyable and pleasurable as possible. “Menopause is one of the most common causes of a ‘dry spell’ in a couple’s relationship,” says Hauser. “Over half of women experience vaginal dryness after menopause, which can make sexual connection downright painful. If this resonates, I’d recommend trying a daily vaginal moisturizer like Kindra’s Daily Vaginal Lotion, as well as a lubricant during intimacy.”

Seek out a sex therapist

Lastly, if you try all of the above and a lack of intimacy persists, becoming a source of frustration, Hauser recommends seeking guidance from a sex therapist or other professional who can provide valuable insights catered to your relationship.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Understanding The Science Of Attraction

— The sensation of attraction in those who experience it can feel powerful and mysterious, but researchers have learned some illuminating things about how it works.

By BetterHelp Editorial Team

The feeling of being attracted to someone involves your physical senses, your hormones, your nerves, and even your immune system. It can be sparked by a wide variety of cues, from the shape of another person’s face to the particular way they smell. Keep reading for a more detailed look at what science can tell us about the factors that may draw two people who experience romantic and/or sexual attraction together.

The Science Of Attraction: The Basics

To start, let’s take a closer look at what’s actually happening in your body when you feel that first rush of attraction to someone else. The initial surge of excitement appears to involve a complex balancing act between the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems. The sympathetic system is the “fight-or-flight” mechanism, and it’s what makes your heart race and your pulse pound when you’re looking at someone you desire.

Research suggests that a moderate amount of sympathetic nervous activity may be necessary for the initial stages of arousal, but that too much or too little can suppress desire. This might explain why watching a scary movie when you know you’re safe can be a fun date night, or why activities that make your heart race can increase feelings of attraction. The parasympathetic system, then, is more associated with relaxation and pleasure. It’s involved in many of the physical changes in the body during sex, such as genital swelling and releasing of sexual fluids.

The early stages of arousal also often cause your blood to pump faster and your pupils to dilate. They may increase your skin’s conductivity too, which is perhaps why attraction can feel so electric. Then, as two people become better acquainted and their intimacy deepens, dopamine-mediated pathways in their brains may become more active. These systems are associated with rewards, habit formation, and even addiction, and they may be what prompts people who are falling in love to obsess over their partners and feel a rush of pleasure just from being near them.

Specific Factors Involved In Attraction

Extensive research has been done into why people are more attracted to some individuals than others. While there’s still plenty to learn, you can read on for an overview of some key research in this area.

The Role Of Immediate First Impressions

We’ve all seen cartoons or movies where a person spots someone they find good-looking and their jaw drops and eyes widen, conveying instant attraction. Though it doesn’t normally happen quite like this, research suggests that our brains do make very rapid judgments about who we find attractive.

In a study conducted at Trinity College in Dublin, researchers briefly showed participants images of possible dating partners. Later, they were given the opportunity to actually interact with the people in the photos during a speed-dating event. Their snap judgments during the four seconds they spent looking at the photos turned out to be good predictors of who they would go on to click with in conversation.

Brain scans pointed to two areas that seemed critical for making these judgments about attractiveness. One is a structure called the paracingulate cortex, which appears to be involved in social evaluation. It tended to light up when viewing photos of people that the majority of participants rated as attractive. Another area, the rostromedial prefrontal cortex, seemed to activate more for people that weren’t attractive to the majority but sparked a particular viewer’s interest.

The Role Of Eye Contact

While a quick glance at another person’s face may be enough to spark attraction, a long, soulful gaze may be important for deepening it. Prolonged eye contact can provoke an experience of intimacy and vulnerability that may be important in forming interpersonal bonds. In a pair of studies conducted in the 1980s, one found that those who exchanged a mutual, unbroken gaze with a participant they didn’t know for two minutes reported a “greater liking” of them than any of the other subjects. The other indicated that existing romantic partners who were assigned the same task reported a “significant increase in feelings of passionate love, dispositional love, and liking for their partner”.

In a related study, researcher Arthur Aron developed a series of 36 increasingly intimate questions that a pair of strangers could ask one another to generate a sense of closeness, which they were to follow by four minutes of prolonged, silent eye contact. His goal was to figure out how to craft the sense of intimacy that can make strangers fall in love. In this initial study, participants left with more positive feelings for each other—and one pair famously went on to get married.

The Role Of Scents

There seems to be a lot more to the science of attraction than visual appeal; smell appears to be another important piece of the puzzle.

Research suggests that, while humans were long considered to have an underdeveloped sense of smell compared to many animals, pheromones may actually play “an important role in the behavioral and reproduction biology of humans”.

Pheromones are chemicals humans naturally secrete that may serve as a form of “olfactory communication”, especially when it comes to attraction.

For instance, androstadienone, a compound present in male sweat, seemed to improve the mood, emotional focus, and sexual arousal of heterosexual women in some experiments. Meanwhile, chemicals called copulins that are found in vaginal secretions seem to provoke higher ratings of female attractiveness to heterosexual males. Copulins also caused men to rate themselves as more attractive to women, suggesting that they might play a role as confidence boosters.

>Another potential component of scent-based attraction may be the immune system. Some studies have indicated that heterosexual women may be more likely to be attracted to the body odor of men whose genes for certain types of immune cells are different from their own. There could be an evolutionary advantage in this behavior, because a child with more diversity in their immune system may be able to fight off a greater variety of diseases.

Attraction And Fertility

From an evolutionary perspective, all sexual behavior is aimed at producing offspring. That may be why studies have found that people of multiple genders find women’s faces more attractive when they’re ovulating. There appear to be subtle changes in appearance associated with this part of the menstrual cycle that can be detected even in photos. Another experiment showed a similar effect on body odor, with men preferring the smell of women’s clothes during the most fertile part of their cycles. Even women’s voices may shift during ovulation, sounding more attractive to heterosexual men.

Similarly, experiments suggest that women’s preferences for more masculine facial shapes and their corresponding body odors change with their cycle. Heterosexual women might be more likely to feel attraction in response to symmetrical faces and masculine-coded looks when their fertility is at its peak. However, these preferences appeared to be strongest when considering people for short-term relationships; fertility didn’t appear to have an effect on perceptions of possible long-term partners.

If the menstrual cycle can affect perceptions of attractiveness, however, can birth control pills do the same? There is some evidence that by changing the body chemistry of ovulation and menstruation, hormonal birth control can affect a person’s preferences for romantic partners. Scientific evidence on the topic includes:

  • Its effects on facial feature selection: A study of 170 heterosexual couples found that women taking birth control pills were more likely to pair up with men whose faces were less stereotypically masculine. 
  • Its effects on selection for body odor: Other experiments found that heterosexual women’s preferences for male body odor depended on whether they were using hormonal contraception. 
  • Its effects on sexual satisfaction: There’s even evidence suggesting that some women who start or stop using birth control pills during a relationship could be more likely to become less sexually satisfied and less attracted to their current partner.

Getting Support For Your Romantic Life

If you’re facing challenges in dating or in your romantic relationships, you may benefit from professional support. Many people find that meeting with a therapist is a helpful way to uncover patterns of attraction, sort through emotions related to a partner, and develop useful dating and relationship skills such as boundary setting and conflict resolution. A cognitive behavioral therapist in particular can also help you unearth any distorted thoughts you may have about your own attractiveness or ability to form relationships and shift them in a healthier direction for better potential outcomes.

If the thought of meeting with a provider in person for support with your romantic life seems awkward or intimidating, you might consider seeking guidance virtually instead. With a virtual therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed provider who you can meet with via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging from the comfort of your home. Since a comprehensive analysis of past studies including more than 10,000 participants concluded that there was “no difference in effectiveness” between face-to-face and web-based counseling, you can feel confident in whichever method you choose.

Takeaway

Romantic and sexual attraction may involve countless subtle factors, from the sound of a person’s voice to the makeup of their immune system. The initial spark can happen in a matter of seconds, while lasting intimacy and compatibility take more time to develop.

Why do I feel so drawn to someone I barely know?

Although “love at first sight” may not always happen in real life, scientific research has found that we tend to judge people’s attractiveness quickly based on first impressions. For example, in the Trinity College study mentioned earlier in this article, scientists led an experiment to study the role of first impressions in attraction. They briefly showed participants pictures of potential partners before letting them interact at a speed dating event. They found that people’s brain activity from seeing the photos for just four seconds tended to predict who they would connect with during the actual date. This may explain why it’s possible to feel instantly attracted to someone you don’t know very well.

What causes strong physical attraction?

Certain features of people’s bodies, like facial symmetry and youthfulness, can play a role in physical attraction, but physical beauty is not the only component. Chemicals like sex hormones, pheromones, and neurotransmitters can also cause you to become physically attracted to someone. Although these factors may not be consciously noticeable, they can play a large role in sexual desire and perceptions of physical attractiveness.

Can you sense when someone is attracted to you?

Although there may not always be an easy way to tell if someone finds you attractive, a few physical cues that may be signs of interest include:

  • Using open body language
  • Maintaining eye contact
  • Seeking physical touch
  • Smiling
  • Asking you about yourself
  • Looking for ways to spend more time with you

That said, it can be important to avoid making assumptions about someone’s interest, as different people may show attraction in different ways.

How do you know if you’re actually attracted to someone?

Some common physical signs that you may be attracted to someone include:

  • Jitters or restlessness
  • Blushing
  • Sweating
  • A rise in body temperature
  • Rapid breathing or a rapid heartbeat

If you’re attracted to someone, you may also experience feelings of anticipation or excitement. You might notice a desire to spend more time with them or find yourself thinking about them often. Spending more time with them can also provide insight into your level of attraction. That said, not everyone may experience attraction the same way.

What happens in your brain when you are attracted to someone?

When you’re attracted to someone, certain brain regions, like the hypothalamus, the nucleus accumbens, and the ventral tegmental area, tend to activate. This can cause the release of oxytocin, the so-called “cuddle hormone,” and other chemicals related to physical desire and sexual gratification. Growing closer to someone can also trigger dopamine release, leading to feelings of pleasure and making you want to spend more time with them. Serotonin and norepinephrine, two other chemicals, may be responsible for the sense of well-being and excitement you might feel when you’re together.

These are just a few examples of the role the brain can play in attraction.

Why do we fall in love scientifically?

A complex set of factors can contribute to feelings of romantic love.

It may be worth remembering that humans originally evolved to find romantic partners to reproduce and raise offspring with. Therefore, initial attraction is often tied to a partner’s fertility and the survival chances of their potential offspring.

Through spending time with a possible partner and getting to know them better, other factors may come into play, such as personality traits, interests, and common principles. Hormones, pheromones, cultural norms, and timing may also play a role over the course of a romantic relationship. That said, love can be highly individual, and not all these factors may affect people the same way.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How To Have Multiple Orgasms

— 9 Tips For Women

Got any evening plans?

By

For many women, having one orgasm during sex can be an uphill battle, so the idea of achieving multiple orgasms might seem like the stuff of fiction.

But sex expert Tracey Cox said women are more than able to have multiples. “Because women don’t fall to the post-orgasm resolution phase as quickly as a man does, it’s easier for us to climb back up and have further orgasms in succession,” she told HuffPost UK.

Because we hate feeling left out, and don’t want to wait for National Orgasm Day (31 July), we asked experts how to improve the chances of having multiple orgasms.

1. Do your Kegel exercises.

Disappointingly, having mind-blowing orgasms isn’t all just about having sex and will require a little bit of groundwork before you get to reap the rewards, including doing regular Kegel exercises.

Cox said: “Like the rest of your body, if your pelvic floor muscle is toned and fit, it works better, pumping even more blood to the pelvis (which is great for arousal) and making stronger contractions – giving longer, more intense orgasms.

“Simply squeeze the muscle you use to hold back urine, hold it for two seconds, then release. Do this 20 times, three times per day.”

2. Do work on ‘peaking’ techniques.

They say good things come to those who wait, and no more so than those who don’t just rush straight into an orgasm. Instead, teach yourself to plateau and gradually build to the final moment, rather than rushing ahead.

Cox said: “Peaking involves taking yourself almost to the point of orgasm, waiting for your arousal to subside, then climbing back up again. This trains you to stay in a high state of excitement, following a ‘wave-like’ orgasm pattern, rather than one which starts at the bottom and steadily climbs higher.

“Not only does this optimise the release of endorphins, but it teaches your body to stay in a practically permanent orgasmic pleasure zone, able to orgasm over and over.”

3. Do develop orgasm triggers.

You might think that having sex is your orgasm trigger, but that’s not quite what we mean. Instead learn about the smaller signs that indicate you’re about to have an orgasm, such as your breathing. The more warning your brain gets, the more it will be able to summon the response when you want it.

Tracey Cox said: “Focus on what you naturally do on approach to orgasm, then exaggerate it. If you breathe heavier and faster, breathe even heavier the next time you’re about to climax. If you notice you tense your toes and throw your head back, do that.

“Get to the point where your brain thinks ‘aha deep heavy breathing combined with toe flexing means she’s about to orgasm’! Better get cracking then and make it happen!”

4. Don’t rush into it.

When you think you’re ready to start trying to have multiple orgasms with your partner (or by yourself) remember the golden rule – don’t rush it. For example, you could slowly apply lube to your partner and slowly start again, being aware if your partner is in any discomfort.

Ann Summers’ sex expert Eve Fifer said: “Your body will be much more sensitive after your first orgasm, which means carrying on with heavy stimulation straight away can be painful. And we don’t want that.”

5. Do use different stimulation.

No one likes to be bored in bed, especially your brain. And if you’re expecting yourself to orgasm again and again with the same stimuli then you’re probably going to be disappointed, so mix it up a bit.

“If you have your first via intercourse, you’ve got more chance having another through oral sex than through more penetrative sex,” said Cox.

“A third might be achievable through you masturbating yourself – it’s going to be the hardest to have, so call in the expert (you).”

6. Do take a moment to relax.

There is a big difference between taking a moment to relax between orgasms and just letting your body switch off and go to sleep. Of course it is important to give yourself a brief moment of relaxation (this isn’t meant to be a military boot camp) but stay in the moment and don’t drift away.

“This is what mindfulness is all about,” Fifer added. “Keep your head full of distinctly inappropriate thoughts.”

7. Don’t forget to breathe.

As with relaxing, don’t get so fixated on your orgasm goal that you forget to breathe properly, as this can play a massive part in your likelihood of reaching orgasm for a second or third time.

Cox said: “Some experts say holding your breath on orgasm heightens the sensation, others say if you starve your brain of oxygen, it forces oxygen-giving blood to flow toward it and away from your genitals.

“Continuing to breathe deeply through orgasm is recommended by spiritual sex devotees who claim it means you’re more likely to be able to have a second one.”

8. Don’t forget your partner.

In the midst of all this female orgasm chat, it’s important not to neglect whoever you are in bed with, especially as they may have already had their orgasm and not be feeling in the mood for round two.

“At the end of the day, a woman’s capacity to experience [multiple orgasms], depends on how relaxed and in tune with her body she is, how motivated her partner is, and how little they both have to do,” said Suzi Godson, sex and relationships columnist for The Times.

9. Do remember that practice makes perfect.

As with all things in life, if you want to get good, you’re going to have to put in some practice beforehand.

Fifer said: “Each orgasm will feel more intense than the one before it, and the more you practice the easier you’ll find it to reach the second, and third, and fourth.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Google reveals top sex questions people asked in 2023

By Emily Brown

Google has revealed the top sex questions people asked this year – and it’s made me slightly concerned for everyone who lived before the internet.

Honestly, what the hell did people do before its creation?

You’re telling me they nipped over to the local library and scanned the shelves to find out the answers to their explicit questions?

I don’t think so.

But of course, with the creation of the internet also comes data that can be stored and analysed, allowing Google to come up with the very list we’re reporting on today.

It might be embarrassing to think about how Google probably knows exactly whether you’re among the people asking these questions, but at least you’ll know you’re not alone.

So, let’s get on with it shall we?

10 – How do fish have sex?

I bet that’s not where you thought we’d be starting, is it? But it’s a valid enough question, even if it’s never crossed your mind before.

If you’re curious now, I can tell you that fish apparently aren’t so bothered about having sex as they are with reproducing.

Spawning fish get themselves into what’s known as a ‘nuptial embrace’, where the male wraps his body around the female and releases milt into the water, while the female releases eggs which are then immediately fertilized.

Fish are more bothered about having babies than getting busy. Credit: Pixabay
Fish are more bothered about having babies than getting busy.

9 – Why do I have no sex drive female

There are a number of things that can lower your sex drive as a woman, including relationship problems, stress, anxiety or depression, sexual problems, pregnancy, medicines and hormonal contraception.

If you’re worried about low sex drive, you can get in touch with your GP for advice.

8 – What is anal sex?

Loads of you might be clued up on exactly what anal sex is, but clearly there are a lot of people still out there wondering.

To put it simply, anal sex involves penetration of the anus, rather than the vagina.

You wouldn't want to ask about anal sex in a library. Credit: Pixabay
You wouldn’t want to ask about anal sex in a library.

7 – How long after a miscarriage can you have sex?

As well as dealing with the emotional effects of miscarriage, there are also a number of physical effects which can impact sex.

People may bleed for a period of time following a miscarriage, during which time

the cervix is dilated wider than normal, making it more prone to infection.

To help ensure you can carry out healthy sex, doctors recommend waiting at least two weeks after miscarriage before inserting anything into the vagina.

6 – How many calories do you burn during sex?

Is it possible to really get a good workout from pleasure?

Research indicates that you can at least equate some fun in the bedroom to light exercise – with one study conducted by the University of Quebec at Montreal revealing that men burned an average of 101 calories in 24 minutes, while women burned 69 calories.

No, I’m not making that number up.

Sex can be considered light exercise. Credit: Pexels
Sex can be considered light exercise.

5 – How many dates should you go on before having sex?

Ah, the age-old question. What is the perfect number? Some live by the three-date rule, while others want to wait until they hit four or five.

Ultimately, it comes down to your own preferences; when you’re ready, whether you actually still like the person after a few dates, and whether you actually want to have sex with them.

4 – Why do I bleed after having sex?

The NHS states there are a number of reasons women may bleed after having sex, including an infection, vaginal dryness or damage to the vagina.

In rare instances, bleeding after sex can be a sign of cervical or vaginal cancer.

If you’re concerned, contact your GP for advice.

3 – What is sex positivity?

There are varying definitions of sex positivity, but generally it’s about openness and appreciation of sex, including sexual orientations, interests, identities and expressions.

Embrace and enjoy it!

Sex positivity is about embracing and appreciating sex. Credit: Pexels
Sex positivity is about embracing and appreciating sex.

2 – Can you have sex when pregnant?

There have been a few jokes made on TV and in films about whether the baby could be impacted by the sudden appearance of an unexpected guest in the vagina, but I can assure you that, unless you’ve been specifically advised by a doctor or midwife to avoid sex, the baby will be fine.

A penis or toy wouldn’t penetrate beyond the vagina, meaning having sex is perfectly safe.

1 – What is speed bump sex position?

Here we are, at the most Googled sex question of 2023. I’m surprised positions didn’t come up sooner, but everyone’s clearly spent this year focused on one in particular.

So, what is the speed bump?

Popularized by Love Island star Tom Clare after he mentioned it on the show, the speed bump involves one person putting a pillow under their hips before lying face down.

The pillow forms the so-called ‘speed bump’, though I’m not sure how effective it is at getting people to slow down.

So there you have it, you’ve managed to learn the answers to the year’s top sex questions without becoming a Google statistic.

You’re welcome.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is Your Libido Normal?

— Experts Explain How It Can Change

By Karen Robock

There may be some times in your life when you feel as if you want to torch the sheets with your partner every night, and other times when the sexiest thing you can imagine is binge- watching baking shows. Or maybe you have sex every week or two and don’t miss it when you don’t. Meanwhile, you hear about friends who are at it every day, and think, What’s wrong with me?<

Meet the experts: Laurie Mintz, Ph.D., sex therapist and emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Florida; Susan S. Khalil, M.D., director of the Division of Sexual Health at Mount Sinai in New York City; Sally MacPhedran, M.D., director of the Women’s Sexual Health Center at MetroHealth Medical Center in Cleveland; Tami Rowen, M.D., an ob/gyn and an associate professor at the University of California San Francisco; Tameca Harris-Jackson, Ph.D., a sex therapist and director of Hope & Serenity Health Services in Altamonte Springs, FL

Well, we are here to tell you that the answer is, probably nothing. Libido, a.k.a. sex drive or sexual desire, “is multifaceted and multi- determined, encompassing biological, medical, familial, cultural, relational, and individual factors,” says sex therapist Laurie Mintz, Ph.D., an emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Florida and the author of Becoming Cliterate. With all those influences on whether you’re motivated to have sex, it makes sense that your drive can ebb and flow, even throughout a week or month (indeed, for premenopausal women, monthly cycles affect libido).

And certainly libido can vary through the broader phases of your life, says Susan S. Khalil, M.D., director of the Division of Sexual Health in the Raquel and Jaime Gilinski Department of Obstetrics, Gynecology, and Reproductive Science at Mount Sinai in New York City. When you’re in your 20s, for example, curiosity about sexuality and pleasure tend to drive up desire. Libido can plummet in the months and years after you have a baby, then rise again when the baby stops keeping you up all night. During perimenopause, women experience a natural dip in sex hormones and may start to have issues with lubrication, which can affect how into it you are. One recent study found that women’s desire tended to fluctuate more than men’s throughout their lifetimes, but that people all had similar ups and downs on a weekly basis.

What is libido, exactly?

Bear with us as we take you back to Sex 101: “Libido” is the term used to describe sexual desire or a desire for sexual activity, which may mean with a partner or the solo act of masturbation. It’s not a medical term—it was coined by Sigmund Freud, and there isn’t a universally accepted way to measure it.

That’s one of the reasons why, when it comes to libido, there is no such thing as normal. Whether yours is “healthy” is a matter of perspective, depending on what you need and want, says Sally MacPhedran, M.D., director of the Women’s Sexual Health Center at MetroHealth Medical Center in Cleveland. A high libido is as normal as a low one, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, and low sex drive is a problem only if it’s a problem for you. “There is a huge range when it comes to desire,” says Dr. MacPhedran, who often compares the spectrum of libido to the variation in height. “You don’t say somebody is abnormal at five-nine versus five-two—it’s just different.” While the term “libido” is often used interchangeably with “sex drive,” some experts take issue with the latter because it creates an unfair comparison with other primal drives, such as thirst and hunger, that are essential to survival. “You won’t die if you don’t have sex,” says Mintz. (The human species doesn’t necessarily depend on it, as sex isn’t always associated with reproduction, particularly when it comes to same-sex couples and those past childbearing age.) Understanding the need for sex requires a more nuanced grasp of the idea, says Mintz.

What hormones have to do with it

In biological terms, libido is regulated by the sex hormones testosterone and estrogen along with neurotransmitters such as norepinephrine and dopamine. Feelings of sexual desire typically begin to emerge between the ages of 9 and 15, when hormones start to surge, and continue through sexual maturity, dipping during menopause for women and tapering off in later adulthood.

These sex hormones will peak and wane through different phases of life: People who have periods will often notice a pattern in the rise and fall of their libido that’s tied to their menstrual cycle, says Tami Rowen, M.D., an ob/gyn and an associate professor at the University of California San Francisco. “Over the course of a month, a person’s sex drive will peak when they are ovulating, then drop significantly,” she says. Our hormones and neurotransmitters convey the message of desire for sex to the prefrontal cortex of the brain. But sometimes those messages can get a bit muffled. Even when our hormones peak and we are theoretically most primed for sex, we don’t always pick up on, or prioritize, what our bodies are telling us. We may be preoccupied with a sick child or simply too tired to notice (let alone heed) libido’s siren call. And that’s to be expected: Your brain is supposed to filter things to determine what your responsibilities are, what you can act on and what you can’t.

It’s also important to differentiate between the two types of desire: “What most people envision desire to look like is spontaneous sexual desire,” says Dr. MacPhedran. That’s what we read about in romance novels—when just locking eyes with someone across the room can make you excited. Responsive desire, on the other hand, is being open to saying yes to intimacy even if you’re not in the mood for sex. You may come home from work, desiring nothing but a warm bath, but when you see that your partner has brought you your favorite flowers, all of a sudden it’s Game on.

This distinction is important, because while both are part of a healthy sexual response, spontaneous desire is all we talk about and see onscreen, which can often leave people who don’t experience it thinking there’s something wrong with them. But the experts agree: There isn’t. Having responsive sexual desire—meaning you say yes when the environment is right—can result in exactly the same sexual satisfaction as spontaneous desire.

How do you feel about sex?

Your upbringing, beliefs, and negative experiences can affect your libido. “Religions and belief sets that bill sex as dirty and sinful can lead to sexual shame,” says Mintz, who points out that many women who are raised in a culture that emphasizes “purity” may struggle with these feelings even years after they’ve left that culture. A history of sexual abuse or unhealthy relationships can also affect your libido in the long term. On the other hand, some people might feel relief after leaving a culture in which they felt shamed and may find that freedom enhances their desire.

Working through negative feelings about sex or finding yourself in a positive life space can ramp up your libido as well. Maybe you’ve found a relationship in which you feel safe. Maybe you have a new, less stressful job and finally have the mental space to think about romance. Or maybe you’ve recently started taking better care of yourself and you feel physically good; this too can bump up your desire.

high angle view of a red rocker switch with power on and power off symbols printed in white, switched in the power off position on yellow background

Reasons your drive might dip

There are numerous health and wellness issues that could be behind your dry spell. Some of the most common:

You’re stressed

This is the number one factor that affects libido in the patients of Tameca Harris-Jackson, Ph.D., a sex therapist and director of Hope & Serenity Health Services in Altamonte Springs, FL. Not only can the daily onslaught of work, money, and relationship worries dampen desire, but that often starts a negative-feedback loop in which people end up sleeping less, drinking more alcohol (a depressant that impedes sexual function), and skipping self-care.

You’re on desire-dampening meds

An estimated one in eight Americans takes antidepressants, and many don’t realize that some types of these meds can quash desire. “The worst medications for libido are certain antidepressants,” says Dr. Rowen, adding that their effects on libido are “a major reason people stop taking them.” (If you’re taking Paxil or Prozac, for example, ask your doctor about adjusting your dosage or switching to a different antidepressant.) Meds for allergies, diabetes, and high blood pressure can have an effect on sexual desire as well.

Your diet could use a reset

If you’ve ever felt bloated and not in the mood after a dinner date that featured heavy food, you know how what you eat can immediately affect your desire. Your nutrition from day to day is important too, says Harris-Jackson. “If the efficacy of blood flow is impeded by a high- sodium or high-sugar diet, there can be difficulty feeling sensation and having full function of sexual organs,” she says.

You’re on the Pill

“The idea that you can have sex for pleasure without the risk of pregnancy, certainly in this political day and age, is really important, but people should know that the birth control pill can affect libido,” says Dr. Rowen. Talk to your doctor about other reliable forms of long-term contraception, she advises.

You’re tired

According to a study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, for some women just one more hour of shut-eye can lead to higher levels of sexual desire and better arousal the next day.

You have health challenges

>Chronic pain from arthritis or fibromyalgia, for example, may prevent you from focusing on pleasure cues. Conditions like anxiety and incontinence can also make sex more challenging.

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How to boost your libido (if you want to!)

As all the experts say, your level of desire is a problem only if it bothers you. It can become an issue, though, when the libidos of partners in a romantic relationship aren’t quite in sync: If, for example, you crave sex once a week but your partner is happy with having it once a month, this is what is known as desire discrepancy—it is very common and is something you can work on together. “A difference in sex drive should be dealt with the same way as any other differences in a long-term relationship,” says Mintz: Communication and compromise are required to make everyone happy. “Especially as we age, our relationship ages, and spontaneous desire wanes, it’s often advisable for couples to jointly decide on their ideal frequency and schedule sexual encounters,” she says. Agreeing to weekly trysts, as Mintz calls them, keeps sex on the table so you don’t fall out of the habit altogether. But if you have trouble agreeing on how often to have sex, there’s unresolved tension, or one person is feeling rejected, you may wish to see a certified sex therapist. “Sexual problems are fixable—and the sooner the better, before resentments pile up,” says Mintz.

But don’t confuse this scenario with the idea that you need fixing. Historically, women have been shamed for having strong libidos (while men are applauded for the same thing), and also there is intense stigma surrounding low desire across the board. “There are a lot of stereotypes around cis women not having natural drive, but it’s unfair to describe women that way, because there is a broad range,” says Dr. Rowen. Whatever your level of desire, she says, “know that you are not broken.”

When to talk to a doctor

If your libido has changed or is bothering you, talk to your primary care provider or an ob/gyn. They may diagnose you with hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), a condition in which a decrease in or lack of sexual fantasies and desires causes personal distress. Your doc will ask questions about your medical and sexual history, may perform a physical exam to look for issues like thinning vaginal tissue or other pain-triggering concerns, recommend extra testing to rule out under lying medical issues, and refer you to a specialist before making a diagnosis.

  • Making adjustments to medications that have libido-lowering side effects
  • Psychotherapy such as mindfulness-based CBT
  • Hormone therapy, especially for postmenopausal women
  • A prescription for Vyleesi or Addyi—these two drugs are FDA-approved to boost desire in premenopausal women

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20 Hot Ways to Spice Up Sex When You’re Craving Something Naughty and New

— Let’s get you out of this rut, shall we?

By Rachel Varina

We all know that finding love (or at least something like it) is the reason so many folks are swiping on dating apps and going on Love Is Blind—well, besides to get IG followers, ofc. But what happens when you finally find someone and things start to get a little, ahem, ~stale~ in the bedroom? You want to learn how to spice up sex, but you also don’t want to risk the bond you’ve built by making things awk or making your partner feel like they’re not doing enough. Egos are fragile, people!

First things first, though: I want to assure you that this whole “wanting better sex” sitch is nothing to feel guilty about. In fact, Playground’s chief sexologist and doctor of human sexuality, Emily Morse, says it’s extremely common. “I’d go so far as to say every long-term relationship faces this someday,” she says. “People crave novelty. Maybe they’ve fallen into a rote sex script with their partner or are curious about trying a new sex act. Our brains are habituated to the same things over and over again. I mean, if you ate the same meal every day, wouldn’t you want variety?”

Morse stresses that not only is this all normal, but it’s healthy to acknowledge this longing and your evolving sexuality. Which, on the one hand, cool! But on the other…WTF are you supposed to do about it? According to psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist Lee Phillips, EdD, it begins with getting creative and curious about your partner. “Eroticism keeps a relationship alive and fun,” he explains, so at the very least, start brainstorming *what* would make you (or your partner) feel turned on. From there, it’s all about communication.

The good news is that you can absolutely ask for (and get!) better sex without feeling totally awkward (ugh) or making your partner feel bad (double ugh). Praise be, right? Below, sexperts explain how to talk about your desire to kick things up a notch, and then, we’re outlining the best ways to do it. From exploring common kinks to learning how to talk dirty (trust), read on for allllll the deets + plenty of ideas for spicing up sex.

First, Here’s How to Talk About the Whole “You Want Spicier Sex” Thing

Since this can be a sensitive chat, Morse says you’ll want to remember the Three Ts (timing, tone, and turf) when broaching the topic.

“For timing, pick a time when you’re calm and relaxed,” she explains. “For tone, keep it curious rather than accusatory (so avoid statements like ‘you never go down on me‘ or ‘you never plan dates.’ Use I-statements instead: ‘I get so turned on by the thought of you going down on me; do you think it’s something we could explore?’). And turf? Don’t have this talk inside the bedroom. It’s too charged. Pick a more neutral setting, like a walk outside.”

Remember: Take it slow! You don’t have to figure out everything right away. This can be an ongoing conversation! Once you’re on the same page, consider perusing the 20 ideas below to see what might strike your fancy and get the juices (sry!) flowing.

1. Take a Vaca

Sometimes the key to spicing things up involves an *actual* key…like, of the hotel room variety. “I love a hotel,” says Morse. “Luxurious, a little glamorous, and you don’t have to stress about things like dishes, laundry, or kids.” Not only can you wear fluffy robes and order room service, but vacation sex is easily one of the hottest kinds you can have.

Most of us can’t book a random trip whenever our sex life gets a lil stale (wouldn’t that be great, though?!). But Lee says you can still achieve novelty at home by simply moving to another part of the house. “The environment plays a significant role in sexual desire, so change it,” he explains. Take it to the kitchen, the living room couch, or the shower. “It’s all about what our brains are habituated to,” adds Morse. “A new environment means new sensory stimuli and new psychological inputs.”

3. Don’t Forget to Mix Up Your Positions

While you’re romping all around the house, Morse urges you to lean into the novelty of the situation. Different places = having to get creative with your sex positions. “That’s a good thing,” she says. “We want to shake up the sexual dynamic a little bit and intentionally be more adventurous. Let’s take the kitchen: Maybe you’ve never done standing sex before, but now, you have to! You might discover you feel super sexy doing this, and all you did was walk a few feet to the next room.”

>Before experimenting with acrobatics in the bedroom, ease into new positions by trying something different but not too far from your comfort zone. “Don’t be too ambitious and go from missionary to standing wheelbarrow,” notes Morse. “Rather, pick a position you don’t normally do together and see how you both feel. If you’re always doing doggy style, try lotus. If you’re always doing missionary, try spooning.”

4. Use Your Mouth

Obvi oral sex is great, and you should def consider incorporating that into your repertoire if it sounds good to you. But! It’s also important to use your mouth in other ways…like actually verbalizing what nasty, naughty new things you want to try. If you’re feeling tongue-tied at the idea of dirty talk, Morse suggests chatting about your turn-ons, what you like to do to each other, or hot memories of your past sexual encounters. If you still feel unsure, let someone else do the talking by turning on some audio porn and listening together.

5. Play a Sexy Game

The thought of talking about turn-ons might make your palms immediately sweaty, and if that’s the case, Morse suggests game-ifying the situation to make it a bit less nerve-wracking. There are many sex games out there—ranging from conversation cards to literal board games that can work as a playful and less anxiety-inducing way to start the “let’s change things up” convo. Plus, it’ll feel more organic than just randomly blurting out that you want to try pegging or something.

6. Discuss Your Kinks

Who knows? Maybe while you’re playing a sexy game, you’ll discover a new turn-on you didn’t even know you had. A lot of people (I dare to say most people) have some sort of kink or fetish, even if it’s undiscovered. Lee says this is a great topic to explore together, whether that means simply talking about a sexual fantasy you keep coming back to or whipping out the massage lotion and giving your partner’s little piggies a rub to scratch that foot fetish itch. What? Didn’t you include “in sickness, health, and kink” in your wedding vows?

7. Be Honest About Your Feelings

I know it might make you feel vulnerable AF, but one of the most important steps you can (and maybe even should!) take when looking to shake things up in the bedroom is to—you guessed it—actually talk to your partner about sex. “Sex is all communication,” says Lee. “It is essential to be honest about your thoughts and feelings surrounding sex.”

Consider your current relationship with your body, with your orgasm, and with your S.O. Then communicate all that to your partner. Feels like a lot, no? To help, here are a few of Lee’s fav prompts to get ya started:

  • Sometimes your touch feels…
  • I think I’m supposed to like everything we do sexually, but I genuinely love your touch when you…
  • I feel something special during sex when I…
  • I wish I would change the way I…
  • If I believed you enjoyed me more, I might…
  • If I could enjoy myself/you more, I might…
  • I’m concerned that you will/won’t tell me if you dislike something sexually, so I…
  • Sex is/isn’t fun for me because…
  • I sometimes pretend to have an orgasm so that…
  • I notice I feel turned on/off when…
  • What I like about myself sexually…

8. Play With (Then Swap) Power Dynamics

BDSM is a popular kink that involves exploring different power dynamics in a relationship. While consent is always number one (as well as discussing limits and utilizing safe words), if you’re both on board, there are quite a few different ways to dip your toe into the Dom/sub world.

>“One low-lift idea is blindfolding,” says Morse. “Easy, sexy, and it makes sex more exciting by taking away one of your senses. From there, you could try handcuffs or bed restraints and see how it feels to be tied down…or do the tying.”

And if your partner is usually the one to initiate/lead the scene (or vice versa), try being the one to take charge! There’s usually one more dominant and one more submissive partner during sex, but switching your default roles (whether you go full BDSM switch or not) can spark a whole new world of pleasure.

9. Incorporate a Bit of Taboo

Going hand-in-hand with BDSM is taboo sex, which is pretty much anything outside of your standard vanilla. “Think the urgency of car sex, the erotic nature of outdoor sex, etc.,” says Morse. After talking about your kinks, see if there are any overlapping taboos that interest you both. For example, if the idea of (consensual!) exhibitionism gets you going, try giving your partner a lap dance, letting them watch you strip down in the shower, or hitting up a sex party together.

10. Get Some Sex Toys

Honestly, having a drawer full of sex toys is something I absolutely wish for everyone, and if you haven’t yet incorporated a buzzing little addition to your sexcapades, consider this a direct order from the universe. Not only are they fun (they’re called “toys” for a reason), but according to Morse, some bodies, especially those with vaginas, find that sex toys are essential for reaching orgasm.

“Toys can help close the orgasm gap,” she explains. “Typically, people with penises orgasm much more frequently during sex than people with vulvas.” This means those of us with clits might not get there with good ol’ P-in-V sex.

That’s not to say sex is only fulfilling if it results in an orgasm, but if you want one (or want to experience stronger sensations), Lee adds that exploring different types of sex toys is a great solution. There are tonnnnns of options, from wand vibrators and clitoral suckers to the classic rabbit vibe. If you can’t decide what you want, Lee suggests going on a date to a sex shop to peruse the aisles, ask questions, and see what sparks your interest.

11. Try a Cock Ring

While you’re busy adding a bunch of sex toys to your cart, Morse urges you to check out cock rings if you or your partner have a penis. “Worn on the base of the shaft, these add an element of experimentation to the bedroom,” she explains. “They pull double duty by keeping the penis hard and vibrating on the clitoris or anal opening of the receiving partner.” So, not only can penis rings help support those with erectile dysfunction, but they lowkey make it easier for the receiving partner to orgasm as well. Win-win.

12. Try Different *Types* of Sex

Did you know “sex” isn’t actually synonymous with intercourse? “Sex is a mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional erotic connection shared between those involved,” sexologist Shamyra Howard previously told Cosmopolitan. “It’s not just about genitals and mouths.”

Of course, you can try different types such as oral sex, anal sex, and outercourse. But you can also experiment with virtual sex (so maybe hooking up over FaceTime/Zoom the next time your sweetie goes out of town) or phone sex (whether that’s sending sexy texts or whispering dirty things into the receiver of a landline all ‘90s like).

13. Use Lube. Lots and Lots of Lube.

Important PSA: “Lube makes almost every sex act feel better,” Morse says. “I always say the wetter, the better, and I mean it; the presence of lube helps everyone have an easier time orgasming, and when you feel that potential in your body, you feel sexier.”

We already discussed that there are different *types* of sex, and it turns out you can use lube with all of them! Yup! Lube with hand jobs! Lube with penetrative sex! Even lube with oral sex! (Wondering how TF to use lube when you’re already using your mouth during a blow job? Glad ya asked! “I’m thinking specifically about flavored lube, which turns oral into dessert,” Morse explains.)

Also, FWIW, make sure to select the best type of lubricant for the sex you’re having—typically, that means water-based lube if you’re using toys and silicone lube if you’re having anal or getting it on in the water (that’s bc silicone can damage other silicone over time due to the way its molecules react with each other. Yikes, right?). Morse suggests Playground’s personal lubricants since the line uses chemistry-enhancing adaptogens (like Ashwagandha, Black Cohosh, and Horny Goat Weed) to create a v long, v lasting, v pleasurable slippery feeling.

You know what’s sometimes even better than lube? Lube that doubles as an arousal gel. “If you’ve got a vulva, this will make your clitoris and surrounding areas feel tingly and help your genitals engorge, thus making you more orgasmic,” says Morse. Our faves, here:

15. Play With Different Senses

Even though touch might get the most attention during sex, the other four senses (taste, smell, sight, and sound) are worth devoting a little attention to. Feed each other strawberries (or other aphrodisiac foods, like oysters?). Use some scented massage oils and lubes. Whip out a blindfold to remove sight, or turn on the lights + face a mirror so you can enjoy the show. Cue up a bangin’ sex playlist and grind to the beat. You might not need to leave the room or your usual position to have wild, new, and exciting sex! It might just take some sexy food!

Another hot way to explore the senses is to get into temperature play…which is precisely what it sounds like. To give it a shot, try running an ice cube down your S.O.’s torso, exhaling your warm breath on your partner’s neck, or melting hot wax on each other’s backs (make sure to use a body-safe option if you’re gonna try wax play, because otherwise, ouch).

16. Try a Little Tantra

The notion of tantric sex might seem a little overwhelming or ~ wOo-WoO,~ but trust us, it centers around connection and creating a sexually charged atmosphere instead of just, like, boning with incense burning. You basically try to block out distractions (so turn off the TV!) and concentrate fully on worshiping and honoring your partner. Think: breathing together, using deep motions, and making eye contact.

You can also give your lover an erotic massage, Morse says, by using some warm oil, lube, or wax and rubbing it on their body with intention, starting at the heart chakra (middle of the back) and working your way out to different erogenous zones.

17. Get Physical

Even if you’re not a workout girlie, getting physical together outside the bedroom before doing it in the bedroom is the ultimate foreplay. “A tried and true arousal trick is to get your heart pumping together, so make your next date an active one,” Morse suggests. She suggests seeing how your body (and sex!) feels after you rock climb, do hot yoga, or go for a run. Plus? Seeing each other all sweaty is erotic as hell.

18. Touch Yourself…Together

Wanna change up how you’re touched? Lend your partner a hand. Literally. Mutual masturbation is an excellent way to build intimacy, Morse says, plus it can be a really fun (and safe!) way to feel pleasure together. “You get to see how your partner touches themselves, and it feels a little kinky…you’re watching them, they’re watching you.” (Bonus: It’s also awesome if it’s that time of the month and you don’t wanna have period sex, if you’re trying to avoid pregnancy, or if you’re unsure of your partner’s STI status.)

19. Consider a Threesome/Group Sex

Since you’ve likely been having sex with your partner for a while, why not have sex with someone else? I don’t mean cheating; I mean trying a threesome, group sex, a sex party, or considering (or simply fantasizing about) ethical non-monogamy. “Invite more people into the bedroom,” suggests Lee. “Couples have often wanted to try a threesome but are too afraid to bring it up. You can explore this with a healthy relationship built on trust and a great foundation.”

Obvi, this one will take a lot more conversation, compromise, and planning, but if it sounds attractive to both of you, consider researching a bit to see how you feel. Maybe the mere idea of it will have you feeling some kind of way.

20. Explore Role-Play

Ofc, jumping into the world of swinging or swapping isn’t exactly for everyone. If the idea of getting it on with someone new sounds exciting, but you don’t want to, like, do it, do it, Morse says to consider role-play. You could go all out playing different scenarios (like your favorite TV couple), or you could pretend to be strangers at a bar and “meet” for the first time.

Whatever you decide, get ready for the date like you would if you were single (so blast your hype music and pull out the good undies), arrive separately, and use your cheesiest pickup line to ~lure~ them in. “Everyone can spice up their sex life, which wards off resentment and encourages creativity and collaboration,” Morse says. Who knows? Your significant other—and your newfound sexual connection—might surprise you when you take on different roles for the night.

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Scientists reveal the top sex positions most women orgasm in

— Take notes

By Ebony Leigh

With the orgasm gap between heterosexual men and women more akin to a chasm at this point, your best bet to reach climax is by sticking to the classics, a new study has found.

In a world where a hugely unrepresented number of women aren’t having orgasms through sex alone, scientists have crunched the data to find out exactly which positions are most likely to give vulva owners the big O.

Using 13 black-and-white diagrams that illustrated various intercourse manoeuvrers, researchers from the Czech National Institute of Mental Health quizzed more than 21,000 adults, including 11,225 women, on how they get off.

The results revealed four pole positions including man-on-top, woman-on-top, standing face-to-face and sitting face-to-face.

Sydney-based somatic sexologist Alice Child tells Body+Soul she’s “not at all surprised”.

“I think when it comes to sex positions, simple is best, rather than acrobatic positions, and some of those listed are classics – you know, missionary and woman on top – and they’re classics for a reason,” she says.

“They work for lots of different people’s bodies and you don’t over exhaust the muscles, which allows you to focus on what sex really is all about, which is connection, pleasure and being present with each other, rather than worrying about whether your leg muscles can survive another five minutes.”

Why are these positions so great?

What makes these four such explosive moves, according to the experts, is that they all tick three very important boxes.

The first is allowing for eye contact, which research shows increases mutual attraction and emotional closeness, which then encourages kissing, something plenty of us considers to be a crucial element of sex.

Then, with all this face-to-face action, you’ve got the fact that you can literally see your partner getting more and more aroused, which – in no surprise to anyone anywhere – can be a major turn-on.

But there’s one other thing that all of these positions have in common from a physical standpoint, added Child, and that’s easy access to the clitoris. AKA, the “gateway to female orgasm”.

“The vast majority of women need regular, consistent, pleasurable, external clitoral touch to be able to reach orgasm,” she explains.

“While studies differ, around 85 per cent of people with vulvas need some pressure or stimulation with a hand or vibrator on their clitoris to reach orgasm, and in a lot of these positions you can have pressure on the pubic bone.”

This brings us to the best move of all, the study proclaims, and that’s the woman on top.

Not only does this position allow women to control everything – such as speed, depth of insertion and rhythm – but through hip movements they can rub their pelvis against a man’s pubic bone, stimulating their clitoris.

It also leaves both partners hands-free, meaning you’re available to touch each other wherever you desire, or even bring some toys into the mix.  

For 34-year-old Leah, it’s the only position she can climax in.

“I love sex and trying out loads of positions because they do all feel really great, but I just can’t get there unless I’m on top,” she explains to Body+Soul.

“It’s like the key to orgasm for me.

“While I’m riding him, everything just feels like it’s being stimulated all at once and I’m the one in control, meaning I can move how it feels good for me. And then boom. It works nearly every single time.”

The mental mind game

Unfortunately, not everyone is in the same boat. The study reveals that one-third of women surveyed never climax during intercourse, no matter which position they’re in.

Tanya, 33, has been married for the last eight years and tells Body+Soul that she’s never been able to orgasm through sex.

“Usually we have sex, he will finish and then I will use my vibrator to make myself come,” she explains. “I can sometimes get there if I’m helping myself but I can’t remember the last time someone else made me come.”

She adds that changing positions during sex doesn’t make any difference.

“I definitely need a lot of clitoral stimulation to feel even close, but I just can’t do it through sex alone.

“It’s just such a mission for me to reach orgasm, like it’s definitely a mental thing and I have to be in the right mindset to actually get there. I have to be really focused on it and I can’t do that mid-sex.”

The pressure cycle

Miserably it’s this pressure of not being able to climax while doing it that creates even greater pressure and makes women even less likely to reach orgasm. 

“A lot of people who come to me haven’t talked openly about it before and so feel pretty isolated and pretty broken, like they’re not normal, and have a lot of shame,” Child explains. “But it’s important to know that it’s very common.”

“Women put a lot of pressure on themselves, and I have to say that one of the biggest blockers to being able to orgasm is putting more pressure on yourself. Pressure is never sexy.”

She also says that making an orgasm the goal of sex can also be your downfall.

“It robs you of being able to stay present and in the moment and enjoy the journey, not just the destination” Child says. “And that’s so much more important than choosing some magical position.”

Tanya adds that this pressure is especially unfair when “our sexual organs are completely different to a man’s”.

“It’s pretty crazy that as women we put this pressure on ourselves to be able to please a man in a certain way and be able to make him come in a certain timeframe when many guys just don’t really care about doing the same for a woman or just have no idea how to,” she says.

So how can I help myself orgasm?

Firstly, forget the study, Child says, and do what feels good for you.

“What’s more important is getting sex-positive education and resources around your own pleasure and asking yourself what’s important for orgasm and how you get out of your head and into your body.

“Certain positions may help you do that, but go for whatever position helps you personally to feel most relaxed and most connected, to feel more in your body.”

She also encourages self-pleasure and allows your body to move in a way that’s familiar to you.

“Be curious about what position you try when you’re on your own,” Child explains.

“If you find it really easy to orgasm when you’re on your belly but that’s not on the list, then ignore the list and try being on your belly during sex.

“That way you can build pleasure and arousal on your own and then it will be a lot easier during sex than trying a completely brand new position.”

Variety is also the spice of life, even when it comes to masturbation.

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“If you want to learn how to orgasm in lots of different and fun positions and you struggle to do that, then add variety to your own self-pleasure practices to teach your body what it feels like to be on your back or what it feels like to be standing up or what it feels like to be sitting,” Child says.

At the end of the day, it’s like teaching your body a new skill, and it’s best to practice without all the distractions that come during sex, like being worried about what you look like or what you smell like or how your partner’s feeling.

“Using self-care as the practice ground when there are fewer breaks can help you to reconnect to your body,” Child says, “which is really, really helpful.”

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How Lube Helped Me Unlock A New Level Of Sexual Pleasure

By Hilary Shepherd

I recently located my clitoris, which, at 33 years old, sounds way overdue. Alone, inspired by a conversation I had with a sex therapist, and apparently horny on a Saturday night, I decided to forgo my rotating collection of vibrating sex toys, which I’d always enjoyed while watching porn and wearing underwear (a “fabric barrier” has always felt less imposing to me) in favor of a foreign combination: my fingers and a bottle of lube.

Within minutes, I was able to go deeper into my body in a way I hadn’t before. I relished in the unfamiliar sensations and possibilities for pleasure hidden in various corners and crevices I’d long overlooked but was now able to easily explore, thanks to the lube’s super smooth texture. (For reference, I used SKYN‘s new Naturally Endless lube, a water-based formula with a host of naturally derived ingredients that also happens to be non-sticky and long-lasting.) As I closed my eyes, I was also surprised by how easily I was able to relax and focus on exploring myself even without the chorus of moans blaring from some X-rated website. I thought of all the vulva diagrams I’d seen in gynecologists’ offices and used them as a guide to locate key areas I knew were hotbeds of pleasure. After repeatedly making a “come hither” motion at the top, where I knew my clitoris lived, the sensation rapidly built up into several intense, full-body waves of euphoria. To be clear, I have experienced an orgasm before, but not like this. I did it again and again and again, delighting in the newfound sensation.

The way I found my clit — pearl-like and erect, nestled amid a fleshy hood, and seemingly designed to provide toe-curling spasms — reminds me of my equally clumsy journey with tampons. Desperate to follow my friends at school who had all ditched pads, I used to spend hours locked in my bathroom attempting to successfully insert a tampon. With one leg on the toilet, I’d study the step-by-step guide that came in the box, quietly suppressing a very real fear of the string disappearing into the ether, or worse, potentially dying from the “tampon disease.” I was unsure where exactly and how far up the applicator was supposed to go, but reaching for  a handheld mirror for assistance was out of the question. I grew up pretty religious (I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 21 and also experienced some trauma) and was taught that the vagina was an integral, yet ugly and confusing part of your body — something to largely ignore.

And so, for a couple of years, I simply went about life wearing tampons incorrectly — I was never able to insert them fully, so the bottom half would stick out. I chalked it up to having an “abnormal” vagina; I was different from my tampon-wearing friends, who’d swim and do cartwheels and jump on trampolines with the same carefree, “I-don’t-even-feel-it!” attitude I’d see in tampon commercials on TV.

This was an unfortunate, embarrassing, and painful fate I’d come to accept — until one day, it just clicked. All I had to do was take a moment to breathe, relax, and unclench my pelvic muscles. It was an exercise in patience, in pausing, in connecting with my body in a positive and intimate way. And it’s a lesson that would serve me well again, nearly two decades later.

I had never really masturbated with my fingers. In college, finally free and independent for the first time, I became curious about masturbating. A scene in a film I’d watched elicited an arousing sensation in me, and when the faucet method (IYKYK) didn’t do the trick, I tried the base of my electric toothbrush, blown away by the incredible sensation it provided after merely moving it around in that area atop my silk pajama pants. It was time, I realized, to get a proper vibrator.

Periwinkle, skinny, and decidedly non-threatening, my first toy was a dildo that symbolized sexual freedom. I had planned to experiment with it over the long holiday break that semester, but when my mom was driving me home from the airport, it switched on in my suitcase. The loud and incessant buzzing was impossible to ignore. “What is that?” my mom asked. I knew I could easily blame it on a rogue toothbrush, but…I told her the truth. “Ugh, Hilary,” she said, as if the word “PERVERT” had suddenly appeared across my forehead in big, black letters. “That’s disgusting.”

Though this experience didn’t stop me from using toys (my mother did not, thankfully, force me to toss my dildo), I felt ashamed for years, associating sexual pleasure with perversion, just as I did in my youth, and viewing masturbation as some filthy, primal deed done in secrecy. Sex throughout my 20s, then, was often alcohol-fueled, one-sided, and devoid of any real meaning; it was an intimate act that didn’t quite feel intimate, but more like something to dissociate from and simply endure. (Forget about an orgasm.)

These days, sex doesn’t feel so icky. My partner, who I’ve been with for more than five years, makes me feel secure and loved. It’s the first serious relationship I’ve ever been in, and while I’m still not able to orgasm during sex (I’m in therapy currently to work on some of those anxiety-ridden mental blocks, residual archaic beliefs from my childhood, and past trauma), it’s nevertheless an enjoyable and loving and important act. But I know there’s a lot more pleasure to be had.

Like many couples in long-term, monogamous relationships, our sex life has ebbed and flowed, decreasing during periods of extreme stress or confinement and increasing on, say, vacations or after spending time apart. One thing that’s remained the same, though, has been my inability to be an active participant in our sex life — meaning, instead of treating sex with the same curiosity and openness I feel when I masturbate, I’ve mostly allowed him to take the lead, cycling dutifully through positions and often beginning to feel truly aroused by the time he finishes. Lube, which we’ve never put that much thought into, has been something to hurriedly dig for in a bedside drawer half-way through sex when the friction becomes too much or he’s in the mood for a “super slippery sensation.” (Alternatively, it’s also reserved for hand jobs.) I never complain or provide input or direction, but how am I supposed to ever feel truly satisfied if I don’t speak up? Or rather, how can I speak up when I don’t even know my own body?

The logical, rational side of my brain knows that vaginal wetness fluctuates based on one’s menstrual cycle and a “zillion other factors,” according to London-based sex therapist and SKYN Sex Expert Gigi Engle, but sometimes it’s hard not to think that the problem is me — by using lube, it suggests I’m dried up, shriveled, and “not good enough” naturally. As it turns out, I’m not alone in harboring some of these false and self-sabotaging beliefs.

“One of the biggest and most pervasive myths I hear about lube is that you only need it if you can’t get ‘wet enough,’ meaning that something must be wrong with you,” says Engle, who wants to make it clear that lube is not just for preventing pain from friction. “Actually, lube is an amazing sex enhancer. It can increase your arousal and the stimulation you receive from toys, fingers, penises, whatever. It makes everything more comfortable. And honestly, everyone should be using it — solo or with others.”

Emboldened and inspired by the level of pleasure I unlocked using SKYN’s Naturally Endless lube during my recent solo session, I decided to be the one to incorporate it into the bedroom with my partner. I noticed that taking initiative this way provided me with a new sense of control, and my sexual autonomy was a welcome addition for us both. While I wasn’t able to reach orgasm (not yet, at least), I was able to feel him, literally and figuratively, on a much deeper and way more intimate level than ever before. What’s more, I also felt empowered enough to bring one of my favorite toys into the mix — another suggestion from Engle — which worked great (as a bonus, SKYN’s water-based lube is totally compatible with silicone devices).

This experience helped break up a period of stagnation and routine in our sexual relationship, and it also restored intimacy during a time when unsexy, external stressors (buying a house, getting married, planning for kids) feel especially prevalent. And more importantly, instead of sex being treated as a pre-bedtime ritual or a “task” to check off like an item on a grocery list, I’ve noticed we’re being playful again — and sex in general feels alive with delicious possibilities.

I no longer view sex (or my body) as something to fear or be disgusted by. I know I deserve pleasure, too, and that my parts are normal and beautiful. But there are tools out there that can make that easier to achieve, and also much better. Next up on my list of things to explore is anal, but I think I might start by breaking out that old handheld mirror first — it’s time to finally put a face to a name. 

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Overcoming Adult Toys Stigma

— Embracing Pleasure Without Shame

In today’s society, the stigma surrounding adult toys can often prevent individuals from fully embracing their sexuality and exploring pleasure without shame. This unnecessary guilt not only suppresses personal growth but can also impact one’s overall mental and physical well-being.

Adult toys, when used responsibly, can provide numerous health benefits. They allow us to better understand our desires, preferences, and fantasies, which helps improve our self-confidence and self-awareness. If you want to take a look at some of these, visit Inya Rose.

Additionally, incorporating adult toys into our intimate experiences can significantly enhance pleasure and happiness, while reducing stress and anxiety.

Origins of Adult Toy Stigma

kama sutra

The stigma surrounding adult toys and sexual pleasure can be traced back to societal beliefs and norms throughout history. In many traditional cultures, open discussions on sexuality were discouraged and, as a result, misconceptions and taboos around the intercourse persisted.

These beliefs and attitudes led to shame and embarrassment surrounding the topic of physical pleasure. Consequently, the use of adult toys, seen as a manifestation of one’s pursuit of pleasure, faced taboo as well.

Ancient societies had diverse views towards sexual pleasure:

  • Greek and Roman civilizations embraced sexuality as a natural and healthy aspect of life. Sexual exploration and the use of pleasure devices were considered acceptable.
  • Middle Ages and Christianity brought a shift in attitudes, with conservative beliefs and self-restraint surrounding sexuality becoming prevalent. Sexual devices were stigmatized and seen as sinful.
  • Victorian era further cemented this stigma, with strict moral codes and a culture of prudery. Sexual desires and adult toy usage were kept secret and frowned upon.

Evolution of Norms

Over time, there has been a progressive shift towards a more open, inclusive, and destigmatized understanding of sexuality and pleasure. The 20th century marked a significant change in societal attitudes, with key milestones driving this transformation:

  • 1960s & 1970s: This period saw widespread change in sexual behavior, attitudes, and sexual liberation. Discussions surrounding sexuality grew more open, and the use of adult toys started to gain acceptance.
  • The late 20th century: Mass media played a crucial role in breaking taboos and promoting a healthier attitude towards sex. Movies, books, and television shows began tackling topics like pleasure, exploration, and the use of adult toys.
  • 21st century: The Internet has expanded access to information and resources, further contributing to the normalization of sexual pleasure and adult toy usage. Online stores, communities, and forums have made it easier for individuals to learn about and purchase adult toys confidentially.

Gender Differences and Expectations

Gender Differences

Adult toy stigma revolves around various factors such as gender, socio-cultural beliefs, and personal attitudes. Women who own adult toys may face more judgment or disgrace than their male counterparts. This disparity often stems from traditional gender roles and society’s expectations of what is deemed sexually appropriate for each gender.

Women are often expected to be sexually reserved and demure. When they embrace adult toys, they may be labeled as promiscuous or deviant, leading to stigmatization. This restricts women from exploring their desires and fantasies and reinforcing the idea that pleasure is only for men.

Men, on the other hand, are often assumed to be more sexually expressive and adventurous. While they might also face some judgment because of societal norms, it’s generally more accepted for men to use adult toys.

Our collective effort in challenging these gender stereotypes and breaking the barrier of shame around sexual pleasure is vital in overcoming the adult toy stigma.

Role of Education in Combating Myths

An essential factor in dismantling adult toy stigma is education. Misinformation and misconceptions around adult toys can reinforce negative beliefs and make people hesitant to own or discuss them.

A comprehensive and sex-positive education can help bridge the knowledge gap and create a more open mindset towards sexual exploration and pleasure. It reduces shame and embarrassment by debunking myths and presenting accurate information about adult toys and their benefits.

Schools, parents, and healthcare professionals should prioritize honest discussions and provide a safe space for people to learn and express themselves without fear.

Access to unbiased and informative resources can help individuals form a balanced view on adult toys, overcoming the misconceptions and gender biases associated with them. By curating articles, studies, and forums online, we can encourage open conversations, normalize the use of adult toys, and stress their significance in sexual health and personal wellbeing.

The Psychological Impact of Sexual Shame

Sexual shame can profoundly affect an individual’s mental well-being, influencing their emotions, self-worth, and interpersonal connections. It often stems from a variety of sources, including societal expectations, cultural norms, or personal experiences. Internalizing negative perceptions about sex and pleasure can lead to feelings of guilt and embarrassment, particularly in the context of using adult toys.

This kind of shame can aggravate mental health issues like depression and anxiety. Our emotional health is closely linked to our sexual experiences, and the presence of shame can create obstacles to achieving intimacy and experiencing pleasure. Moreover, the stigma surrounding sexuality can impede open communication with partners, which can strain relationships and reinforce harmful beliefs.

Overcoming Internalized Negative Beliefs

In order to embrace pleasure without shame, it’s important to address and overcome internalized negative beliefs about sex and adult toy use. Here are some steps we can take:

  • Education: Learn about healthy sexuality and the benefits of using adult toys. Knowledge can be empowering, helping dismantle misconceptions and reduce stigma.
  • Self-acceptance: Embrace our desires and understand that sexual pleasure is a natural part of human experience. Recognizing that adult toys can enhance our sex lives and relationships is a crucial step.
  • Open communication: Engage in honest conversations with partners or supportive communities to discuss sexual desires, fantasies, and adult toy preferences. This can foster understanding, break down barriers, and normalize these topics.

Closing Thoughts

couple hands

Approaching adult toys with openness and a positive attitude is essential. This mindset helps in breaking down the stigmas associated with their use, leading to a more open, inclusive, and respectful discourse on sexuality and pleasure. It is vital to always prioritize and respect consent and boundaries in any sexual journey. Upholding these fundamental principles is key to a healthy and respectful exploration of sexuality.

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