Why is the clit so sensitive?

Thanks to over 10,000 nerves, first real count finds

The first-ever real count of nerve fibers in the human clitoris indicates that they are over 10,000 in number, significantly more than previous estimates suggested.

By Clarissa Brincat

  • Researchers sought to quantify the number of nerve fibers that innervate the human clitoris by analyzing samples of clitoral nerve tissue from human volunteers.
  • They found that the human clitoris contains 10,281 nerve fibers on average, which exceeds a previous estimate based on a study in cows.
  • A better understanding of human clitoral innervation has ramifications for many areas of medical practice, including gender-affirming surgery and repair of the dorsal clitoral nerve after genital mutilation or surgical injury.

The clitoris — a pleasure-producing sexual organ that is located where the labia minora (inner lips) meet and extends along both sides of the vagina — is the female equivalent of the penis.

In fact, the clitoris originates from the same mass of tissue in the embryo that gives rise to the penis.

Although it carries the same importance in sexual functioning, the clitoris has been less widely studied than its male counterpart.

Overturning outdated assumptions

Researchers are aware that the clitoris has a substantial supply of nerves — cordlike structures composed of nerve fibers (or axons) — that conduct signals between the brain and spinal cord and other parts of the body.

However, the number of nerve fibers within the human clitoris has never been officially quantified. The most often-cited claim is that the clitoris has “8,000 nerve endings,” but this figure originates from a bovine study mentioned in a book titled The Clitoris, which appeared in 1976.

To rectify this outdated piece of essential information, a study led by the Oregon Health & Science University (OHSU) examined tissue samples of the dorsal nerve of the clitoris in an effort to quantify the number of nerve fibers innervating the human clitoris.

The dorsal nerve, which consists of two symmetrical, tube-like structures, is the main nerve responsible for clitoral sensation.

The researchers presented the results of this first known count of human clitoral tissue at a scientific conference hosted by the Sexual Medicine Society of North America and the International Society for Sexual Medicine on October 27, 2022. A detailed paper explaining the study will appear in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

“[T]his [study] highlights the broad scope of knowledge gaps that are present within vulvar health. These fundamental gaps […] ultimately do result in significant consequences for patients,” Dr. Maria Uloko, study co-author and assistant professor of urology at the University of California, San Diego, told Medical News Today.

“There are numerous statistics regarding the difficulty of access to care for common vulvar conditions, [which] lead to significant healthcare cost[s] to patients as well as the healthcare system. We are talking [about] billions of dollars spent on vulvar and urinary conditions alone. And the societal cost of the psychological symptoms associated with just trying to get a diagnosis really can’t be quantified but they are quite high. This research is the start of reassessing what we know about the vulva and filling in those knowledge gaps.”

– Dr. Maria Uloko

10, 281 nerve fibers on average

The researchers obtained clitoris tissue samples from seven transmasculine volunteers who were undergoing a gender-affirming surgical procedure known as phalloplasty.

During a phalloplasty, surgeons use tissues taken from the person’s clitoris and other body parts to construct a functional penis.

The researchers looked at one half of the dorsal nerve, magnifying it 1,000 times under a microscope, and used image analysis software to count the individual nerve fibers.

In each sample, they found 5,140 nerve fibers on average. Since the dorsal clitoral nerve is symmetrical, they multiplied this number by two, concluding that the average dorsal nerve of the clitoris contains 10,281 nerve fibers, with a possible count ranging from 9,852 to 11,086.

This result is about 20% higher than the conventional estimate of 8,000 nerve fibers.

To put the findings in perspective, study coauthor Dr. Blair Peters, an assistant professor of surgery at the OHSU School of Medicine and a plastic surgeon who specializes in gender-affirming care, notes that:

“Even though the hand is many, many times larger than the clitoris, the median nerve [which runs through the wrist and hand] only contains about 18,000 nerve fibers, or fewer than two times the nerve fibers that are packed into the much-smaller clitoris.”

Study implications

The researchers believe that establishing the number of fibers in the dorsal clitoral nerve is an important step in the understanding of clitoral innervation and sexual response.

It should also draw attention to the need for more education, research, and funding attributed to studying the clitoris.

“Importantly, there are few options available to people who have suffered nerve damage to the clitoris and researchers should build on this work to be able to better treat these conditions. It should [equally] importantly be seen that this work came from trans people and is for people of all genders,” Dr. Peters told MNT.

One field that will benefit from the results of this study is clitoral reconstruction following female genital mutilation (FGM). There have been several reports of injury to the clitoris and its nerves as a result of FGM.

The researchers hope that their findings will lead to new surgical techniques to repair injured nerves.

Dr. Bahir Edouard Elias, a plastic, esthetic and reconstructive surgeon specializing in the field of surgical reconstruction after FGM, who did not contribute to the current research, told MNT that this “excellent study […] will be of great help” in that area.

Dr. Peters believes that the results of this study will improve sensory outcomes for transgender patients undergoing phalloplasty as the surgeon can better select which nerves to connect during the procedure.

The researchers are also hopeful that their findings could help reduce accidental nerve injuries during elective female genital cosmetic surgery. However, Dr. John G Hunter, professor of clinical surgery at Weill Cornell Medicine and attending plastic surgeon at New York-Presbyterian Hospital, expressed some skepticism in his comments to MNT.

“As [a] surgeon who has performed over 1,000 labiaplasties, with clitoral hood alteration in approximately half, my patients virtually never report negative ‘sexual function’ consequences from the procedure postoperatively,” he said.

“This is supported by published literature. But this is subjective, and follow-up is rarely longer than 4–6 months for labia minora (inner lip) reduction. Gender-reaffirming surgery is entirely different. It also includes much more psychological overtones,” he added.

According to Dr. Hunter, “[m]ore studies are needed, but [it is uncertain] that one will ever be able to correlate gross anatomical findings with functional — especially erotic/ sensory — findings in genital anatomy.”

Study limitations and next steps

When asked about the study’s limitations, Dr. Peters noted that the study had a small cohort and only one sample was collected from each participant.

Furthermore, all participants were on testosterone therapy. While hormone therapy should not impact nerve fiber count, the analysis of tissue samples from individuals who are not on exogenous hormones would support the study.

Another limitation, Dr. Peters pointed out, is that “the total number [of nerve fibers] was calculated assuming bilateral symmetric innervation” — that is, that the dorsal nerve is symmetrical.

The researchers also noted that the study focuses on myelinated nerve fibers in the dorsal clitoral nerve. Since unmyelinated nerve fibers and other nerves in the clitoris were not counted, the result of this study likely underestimates the number of nerve fibers in the human clitoris.

In the future, Dr. Peters would like to conduct similar studies on the penis glans (or head), with the hope of shedding more light on the two organs and aiding surgeons in creating a functional clitoris for transgender patients.

Complete Article HERE!

What Does It Mean To Be Bigender?

Experts Explain The Gender Identity

For starters, it *doesn’t* mean you’re bisexual.

By Emily Becker

Gender is a spectrum, so there are a ton of ways you can choose to identify yourself—a.k.a. you’re not limited to just “female” and “male.” In addition to terms like non-binary, genderfluid, and pangender becoming more commonly used, one term you may also have been hearing recently is “bigender.”

In its most basic definition, being bigender means that you identify with having two genders. What those two genders are and how those two genders show up in the way you express yourself is entirely up to you—and isn’t the same from one bigender individual to another. As a gender identity (as opposed to a sexual identity or orientation), the term also doesn’t indicate who someone might be attracted to.

If you’re looking to learn more about the topic, here’s everything you need to know about what it means to be bigender, including how someone might express their bigender identity and how you can support the bigender community, according to expert sources.

What does it mean to be bigender?

Within the definition of bigender, there are many ways to experience the identity, and anyone who identifies as two genders (regardless of what those two genders are) would fall on the bigender spectrum.

“It is important to recognize that just because someone identifies with two genders does not mean those gender identities are man and woman. Being bigender can also include non-binary identities, for example, male and agender, or agender and androgenous, etc.” says Erynn Besser, LCPC and AASECT-certified sex therapist. “There are many different gender identities with which people may identify within the bigender identity.”

The bigender identity is usually grouped under the umbrella of non-binary (more on that later). “To be bigender means having two gender identities that can be experienced and expressed separately, or that can blend and be experienced simultaneously,” explains Paula Leech, LMFT, an AASECT-certified sex therapist. How a person experiences and expresses their two genders can also be dependent on different situations, adds sex therapist Alex Chinks, PsyD.

During times when someone may appear to be expressing one gender exclusively, it’s important to recognize that the second gender doesn’t just disappear from their identity during those times. “You may see a bigender individual who dresses and ‘appears’ completely cis-gendered,” Chinks explains. “That does not mean that their other gender identity is not a part of them and who they are.” Got that down?

What is the difference between bigender, non-binary, genderfluid, pangender, and bisexual?

While these are all terms that you might hear in a similar context as bigender, they are all their own unique identities.

  • Non-binary: Someone who is non-binary feels their experience of their gender does not feel like an accurate reflection of the gender they were assigned at birth, specifically male or female, says Leech. It is also a larger category of gender identities under which bigender falls.
  • Genderfluid: Someone who identifies as genderfluid would see gender as more of an expansive, ever-changing concept, Leech explains. For a genderfluid person, gender identity is an idea that is constantly shifting as they grow.
  • Pangender: While someone who is bigender feels they identify as two genders, someone who is pangender feels they encompass multiple, or even all genders, according to Leech.
  • Bisexual: A sexual orientation, someone who is bisexual experiences “sexual and/or romantic attraction to people who are of the same gender and people who have a different gender than your own,” Wendasha Jenkins Hall, PhD, a sex educator and researcher based in Atlanta previously told Women’s Health. This means someone could be both bigender and bisexual, but they don’t have to be.

What does being bigender look like?

Because the bigender experience can vary greatly (like all gender identities, TBH), there’s no one way to express being bigender, and you should celebrate your identity in the way that feels best for you.

“It is important to recognize that each person’s expression of their gender identity is unique to them, and there is no ‘right’ way for someone to express their gender identity, including the amount of time one expresses a particular identity,” says Besser. Plus, those who have a bigender identity may express their multiple identities at the same time or separately.

Someone who is bigender may display that identity through dress and use of pronouns, explains Chinks, who also adds that “it is important to remember the fluid nature that can arise with being bigender, meaning that an individual may use one set of pronouns at one point in time or in one situation, and another at another point.”

Simply put, there’s no one set of pronouns that a bigender person typically uses. Instead of guessing based on appearance, your best bet is to ask someone which pronouns they prefer.

Signs that you might be bigender:

While the term is a relatively new way to express gender identity, there are certainly people who have had feelings of being bigender long before there was a word to describe it. The following list includes some (though certainly not all) of the ways you can experience being bigender, if you’re curious:

  1. You move between two distinct ways of expressing yourself. This can be how you display emotionally, psychologically, physically, and/or spiritually, Leech says.
  2. You experience gender dysphoria. Chinks explains the idea of gender dysphoria as the feeling that “the way I feel inside is not aligning with my outward or biologically-assigned gender.” The concept used to be strongly associated with someone who is transgender, Chinks adds, but in terms of the bigender identity, someone might be born male and be comfortable with that male identity, but also feel like there is a feminine side to their gender identity that needs to be honored, too.
  3. You have feelings of gender euphoria. According to Besser, gender euphoria is “a feeling of joy, empowerment, and comfort when your gender identity and expression is affirmed.” For bigender individuals, this could be when you start to display two sides of your gender and it finally feels like something clicks for you.

How to support bigender loved ones and greater community:

No matter your personal gender identity, there are ways that you can do your part to make your communities more inclusive:

  • Don’t make assumptions. You may have a close friend or family member who is bigender, but that doesn’t mean you know what they’re going through at all times. Leech says that it’s important not to let previous experience or generalizations prevent you from “being curious, really learning about [the identity], and coming to understand the person in front of you and what they uniquely need.”
  • Ask questions. The best way to find out how you can support someone or what they need from you? Ask. Especially when it comes to which pronouns they prefer. This is much more respectful than assuming you know the answer, Chinks explains.
  • Learn more. It’s not on someone who is bigender to teach you everything about the identity. “Become an ally by doing your own education in order to avoid education burdening,” says Besser. There are plenty of resources online to get you started. (Like this comprehensive and expert-approved gender identity list on Women’s Health.)
  • State your pronouns. When you start a Zoom meeting by stating your pronouns or include them in your email signature, you are “opening the door” for those who are bigendered or non-binary to share theirs, Chinks explains. This, in turn, helps to normalize the idea that gender is a spectrum, a spectrum on which everyone is just trying to understand their place.

Complete Article HERE!

The science of sexual orientation

— Can genes explain sexuality? Should we even try to know?

By Katie MacBride

There’s nothing new about being gay, but that hasn’t stopped scientists from trying to understand it.

Over the past two decades, many researchers have become focused on the notion of a “gay gene” — biological proof that one was “born this way.”

It makes sense: Our genes can influence who we are, and psychologists contend sexual orientation is not a conscious choice. It theoretically stands to reason there might be genetic underpinnings to who we become sexually attracted to.

But more recent research has both confirmed and debunked the notion of a genetic basis for sexual orientation. Instead of just one gene (or one marker on one gene) that determines sexual orientation, there are many genes with markers related to attraction to the same sex.

For example, in 2019, the researchers studying those markers and same-sex attraction told Inverse: “This finding suggests that on a genetic level, there is no single dimension from opposite-sex to same-sex preference.”

But that’s just part of the story.

Two new studies published Monday, one in Nature Human Behavior and the other in Scientific Reports, further illuminate the complexities of sexual orientation and how fraught scientific study of the subject is. They also highlight three key factors:

  1. Our own sexual orientation may be much more fluid than we thought.
  2. The same cluster of genes that may be associated with same-sex sexual behavior may confer some evolutionary advantage.
  3. There are inherent dangers in focusing on genetics in relation to sexual orientation.

Genes and sexual behavior — First author Brendan Zietsch, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Queensland in Australia, and colleagues attempted to discover why the genes associated with same-sex sexual behavior continue to flourish. Their study was published in Nature Human Behavior.

In a statement, the study authors report:

“Because [same-sex sexual behavior] SSB confers no immediately obvious direct reproductive or survival benefit and can divert mating effort away from reproductive opportunities, its widespread occurrence across the animal kingdom and human cultures raise questions for evolutionary biology.”

Using information from the UK Biobank, and questionnaire responses about sexual behavior from hundreds of thousands of individuals, the study team analyzed the genome of 477,522 people in the United Kingdom and the United States who had only had same-sex interactions.

They compared that data set to the genome of 358,426 people in the same countries who had only had opposite-sex encounters.

The team found the genes linked to same-sex behavior are also found in straight people. This gene profile across groups is associated with having more sexual partners.

Gay pride flag
A man waves an LGBTQ flag in front of the Bosnian parliament.

The authors posit that the number of opposite-sex sexual partners could be advantageous from an evolutionary perspective, as it could lead to more children.

In turn, they argue their results help explain why same-sex sexual behavior has persisted throughout the evolution of the human species: These genetic effects may have been favored by evolution as they are associated with more children.

Ultimately and critically, the authors claim, the genes may less have to do with sexual preference and more to do with sexual openness/willingness.

The ethical debate — Other scientists caution against extrapolating information about sexual preference or behavior from genes.

In a commentary piece published alongside the study, ethicists Julian Savulescu, Brian D. Earp, and Udo Schuklenk distill the debate around whether or not this kind of research will lead to societal abuse.

They write:

“One can imagine technologically advanced repressive regimes where homosexuality is outlawed requiring genetic testing of embryos and foetuses, destroying those disposed to SSB, or testing children early in life for their propensities. Others will respond that the world (or at least some parts of it) has become more accepting of homosexuality, so perhaps these worries are overblown.”

What matters, they argue, is creating a society in which this kind of genetic research can’t be abused to further harm anyone, much less already marginalized groups.

They write: “Genes shape, limit, and provide opportunities for who we are and who we can be, both as individuals and as members of communities. To prepare for further research into polygenic behavioral traits including SSB, we must reshape society.”

Ilan Dar-Nimrod, a researcher and professor at The University of Sydney’s School of Psychology, tells Inverse “genes are taking oversize agency” in the minds of sexual behavior researchers.

“Genes code for properties,” he explains. “And although they can predict a lot of things, many people have this one-to-one view: if you have the gene, you’re going to be that and you can’t change it.”

That’s simply not in line with what we know about the science of genetics, he says.

On Monday, Dar-Nimrod and his colleagues also published a study looking at sexual preferences, this one in Scientific Reports. This study’s results support his assertion about preferences being more malleable than genes would suggest.

Sexuality is a spectrum

In their study, Dar-Dimrod and colleagues asked 420 cisgender people ranging in age from 18 to 83 to read literature. The study participants identified as exclusively heterosexual.

“We’ve just changed how they look at it.”

One group read literature about sexual preferences as a fluid spectrum. For example, one of the articles discussed gradations of sexual attraction towards men and women and noted that people can fall anywhere along the continuum. Another article explained that sexual orientation can change over time, shifting throughout one’s life instead of being fixed. The control group read unrelated articles.

After reading the literature about sexual fluidity:

  • Twenty-eight percent of the participants in the experimental group were more likely to identify as non-exclusively heterosexual.
  • Nineteen percent indicated they would be more likely to be willing to engage in same-sex sexual activities.

The rate of participants identifying as “non-exclusive heterosexual” more than quadrupled after the experiment.

In contrast, in the control group, only 8 percent of the participants identified as “non-exclusively heterosexual” after reading the literature unrelated to sexual preferences.

Dar-Nimrod says there were several results that surprised him:

  • How many people in the experimental group identified as “non-exclusively heterosexual” following the experiment
  • People actually expressed a willingness to engage in same-sex activities following the experiment
  • That even when balanced with literature refuting the idea of sexual preference as a spectrum — one of the articles argued that sexual orientation is indeed fixed — participants still gave more credence to the literature that discussed a sexual spectrum

Dar-Nimord doesn’t believe the literature he had the experimental group read actually changed who the participants were attracted to.

“We haven’t changed the underlying orientation,” he says. “We’ve just changed how they look at it.”

While our genes may predispose us to certain traits and conditions, when it comes to behavior, our society, environment, and relationships all play a huge role in how we behave.

“Do we really need to suggest that [queer people] were born with a certain gene to accept them and their relationships with other consenting adults?” Dar-Nimord says. “I don’t think so.”

Once we realize we’re not in fixed, black and white boxes, we have the freedom to explore the gray area to which most of us belong. At least, that’s what science really can show.

Nature Human Behavior abstract: Human same-sex sexual behaviour (SSB) is heritable, confers no immediately obvious direct reproductive or survival benefit and can divert mating effort from reproductive opportunities. This presents a Darwinian paradox: why has SSB been maintained despite apparent selection against it? We show that genetic effects associated with SSB may, in individuals who only engage in opposite-sex sexual behaviour (OSB individuals), confer a mating advantage. Using results from a recent genome-wide association study of SSB and a new genome-wide association study on number of opposite-sex sexual partners in 358,426 individuals, we show that, among OSB individuals, genetic effects associated with SSB are associated with having more opposite-sex sexual partners. Computer simulations suggest that such a mating advantage for alleles associated with SSB could help explain how it has been evolutionarily maintained. Caveats include the cultural specificity of our UK and US samples, the societal regulation of sexual behaviour in these populations, the difficulty of measuring mating success and the fact that measured variants capture a minority of the total genetic variation in the traits.

Scientific Reports abstract: We examined whether heterosexual individuals’ self‐reported sexual orientation could be influenced experimentally by manipulating their knowledge of the nature of sexual orientation. In Study 1 (180 university students, 66% female) participants read summaries describing evidence for sexual orientation existing on a continuum versus discrete categories or a control manipulation, and in Study 2 (460 participants in a nationally representative Qualtrics panel, 50% female) additionally read summaries describing sexual orientation as fluid versus stable across the life‐course. After reading summaries, participants answered various questions about their sexual orientation. In Study 1, political moderates and progressives (but not conservatives) who read the continuous manipulation subsequently reported being less exclusively heterosexual, and regardless of political alignment, participants reported less certainty about their sexual orientation, relative to controls. In Study 2, after exposure to fluid or continuous manipulations heterosexual participants were up to five times more likely than controls to rate themselves as non‐exclusively heterosexual. Additionally, those in the continuous condition reported less certainty about their sexual orientation and were more willing to engage in future same‐sex sexual experiences, than those in the control condition. These results suggest that non‐traditional theories of sexual orientation can lead heterosexuals to embrace less exclusive heterosexual orientations.

Complete Article HERE!

The evolutionary paradox of homosexuality

Being gay no longer holds the stigma it once did, but in evolution, why does a non-reproductive trait persist?

By

In 1913 George Levick, an explorer, travelled to Antarctica. There, he found something so terrible that he requested his findings not be published. In case the correspondence was leaked or intercepted, he took the further precaution of writing key sections in ancient Greek: these were not letters to be read by the lower orders.

Levick had been studying penguins: birds whose monogamous lifestyle had so impressed the Victorians that they had been held up as models of probity and integrity.

But he had seen something on his trip to the bottom of the world that had caused him to question that assessment. “There seems,” he wrote with palpable shock, “to be no crime too low for these penguins.” Levick’s penguins, you see, were gay.

And if penguins can be homosexual, what was to say that that behaviour, far from being the perversion society presumed it was, was natural in humans too?

These days homosexuals, avian or otherwise, generally have an easier time of it. While we may have accepted that same sex attraction is natural, though, there is a far harder question: why is it natural?

We know that homosexuality is, at least in part, genetic. Studies show, for instance, that identical twins are more likely to be both homosexual than non-identical twins. So it is passed on by evolution. This is a problem, particularly so with men – who for obvious reasons find it harder to fake an interest in sex.

Imagine you had never heard of evolution, and someone described it to you. One of the most basic predictions you would surely make is that a trait that made people less likely to reproduce should die out. Male homosexuality, a trait that, at least among exclusive homosexuals, means people have no interest at all in the act of reproduction, should never have existed in the first place. And yet it does. How?

To answer that question, researchers have gone to a place where homosexuality itself does not exist, at least in the form we know it: Samoa. Here, in the South Pacific, there is a third gender called the Fa’afafine – a group born male who behave as women.

This is not the only place with third genders. There are the “Two-Spirit” people of Native America. There are the Khatoey ladyboys of Thailand. There are the Hijras of Pakistan. In 2004 a Hijra, Asha Devi, was elected mayor of Gorakhpur under the slogan “You’ve tried the men and tried the women. Now try something different”.

Hijra offer prayers on the occasion of Urs festival in Hooghly near Kolkata © Saikat Paul/Pacific Press/LightRocket via Getty Images
Hijra offer prayers on the occasion of Urs festival in Hooghly near Kolkata

Paul Vasey, from the University of Lethbridge in Canada, believes that homosexuality as it manifests itself in most of today’s world is unusual. In more ancient cultures, he thinks you can see homosexuality as it was practised by our ancestors in deep time – as a “third gender”.

And in looking at these third genders – in particular the Fa’afafine – he believes we can find clues as to why this evolutionary paradox of male homosexuality persists.

What is interesting for Professor Vasey is that, firstly, there is no recognised gay identity in Samoa and that, secondly, the Fa’afafine occur at the same proportion as male homosexuals in the west. He believes there is a simple explanation for this.

“I’m gay,” says Professor Vasey. “But if I’d grown up in Samoa I wouldn’t look like this. I’d probably look like a really ugly Fa’afafine.”

Fa’afafine translates literally as “in the manner of a woman”. Boys who appear more feminised in their behaviour will often be classified as a Fa’afafine, and brought up as something between a woman and a man. There is also an analogue for masculinised girls – Fa’afatama.

The fact they also go on to sleep with men is not the only similarity between Fa’afafine and western gay men. “There’s all kinds of traits the two share in common. Both exhibit elevated childhood gender atypical behaviour, both exhibit elevated childhood cross sex wishes, both exhibit elevated childhood separation anxiety, both prefer female-typical occupations in adulthood.”

For Professor Vasey, it seems obvious that being Fa’afafine and being gay is the “same trait, expressed differently depending on the culture.” He even argues that the oddity is the West – that the way homosexuality manifests in Europe and North America may even be an expression of our repression rather than our freedom.

“The part of the brain that controls sexual partner preference, it’s the same for all of us,” he says. “It’s just that if you take that biological potential, put it in Samoa where society doesn’t flip out about male femininity, then feminine little boys grow up to be Fa’afafine. If you take that potential, put it in Canada, feminine boys learn pretty quickly they had better masculinise to survive.” This, he believes, is precisely what he ended up doing.

Whether the “third gender” really is the ancestral form of homosexuality, with the way it is practised in the West today an aberration, is a separate issue. That it can take such widely different forms, shows the impact society can have on sexuality. That its prevalence remains largely the same also shows the limits of such socialisation – that there is something else going on. But what?

Professor Vasey is one of the very few scientists in the world looking at this question, and he does so thanks to the Fa’afafine. There are two specific theories used to explain male homosexuality that he is interested in. The first could be termed the “benevolent uncle hypothesis”.

Alatina Ioelu does not remember not being a Fa’afafine. Yet he does remember not wanting to be one. “You don’t really come out,” he said. “You’re just that. In a way it’s good, in a way it’s not good. When you’re growing up as a kid you’re innocent of your actions, how you move or sound. You’re not aware you are doing something that doesn’t conform to the norms of how society considers boys.”

But he clearly didn’t, because his classmates began to call him a Fa’afafine. “And so you grow up being known as that. I wanted to distance myself from it, I didn’t want to be that.” He couldn’t, though, because he realised it was true. “In the end you’re like, ‘sh*t, that’s what I am.’”

It would be wrong to claim that the Fa’afafine are completely accepted in Samoa. There is a place for them, however, and always has been. “They walk around and nobody says, ‘Oh, that’s a Fa’afafine’. In my family we have a long line going back. I have a great uncle that’s a Fa’afafine, I have four second cousins, a first cousin…”

He realised that this itself was a paradox – all these Fa’afafine going back generations. “How the hell do we have Fa’afafine, and they don’t reproduce? How is it we are still around, when we don’t have children?”

He also realised that Professor Vasey may have the answer. Fa’afafine do not have biological children of their own. Conventionally, from the point Alatina realised who he was, he was taking himself out of the reproductive game. Or was he? Perhaps not entirely.

The benevolent uncle explanation is based on the idea that there is more than one way to pass on your genes. The best way to reproduce, in terms of percentage of genes passed on, is to clone yourself through asexual reproduction. Stick insects can do this. Humans, alas, can’t.

The most efficient method we have to perpetuate our genes is sexual reproduction – passing on half our DNA each time. It is not the only option, though. Your siblings, for instance, share half your genes, which means your nieces and nephews share a quarter. To an uncle each of those nieces and nephews is therefore, from a genetic point of view, worth half a child.

Tafi Toleafoa, a fa'afafine living in Alaska, USA, tends to her niece during a family gathering after church © Erik Hill/Anchorage Daily News/MCT via Getty Images
Tafi Toleafoa, a fa’afafine living in Alaska, USA, tends to her niece during a family gathering after church

What if simply having an extra man around, a benevolent uncle to provide for the extended family’s children, was enough to ensure more of those children survive to reproduce themselves? This could be where the Fa’afafine come in. Alatina says that there are clear and defined roles for them.

“They become almost like the caretakers of families. They are responsible for taking care of the elderly, parents, grandparents, even their siblings’ children. Because they are feminine they take up this motherly role in families.”

Having an extra hardworking adult without dependants is no minor advantage. Everyone has extra fish, extra firewood – and fuller bellies. It is not implausible that, particularly in difficult times, a childless Fa’afafine could ensure more nieces and nephews reach reproductive age. That is the idea behind the benevolent uncles hypothesis, that good uncling becomes a form of reproduction in itself.

To test the theory, Professor Vasey looks to see if the Fa’afafine are more avuncular – literally, uncle-like. He has found that, compared to single straight men or aunts, they are indeed more likely to want to look after their nieces and nephews. They take more interest in them, babysit more than straight men, buy more toys, tutor more and contribute more money to their education.

Of course, in order for a gay uncle to be useful you need to ensure he actually has nieces and nephews (and preferably a lot of them) to be useful for. There’s no point in being a good uncle with no one to look after. So it would be good for this theory if gay uncles were more likely to pop up in big families. Incredibly, they do.

One of the best-established and more intriguing results in homosexuality research is that the more elder brothers a man has, the greater his chances of being gay. The mechanism, only discovered this year, seems to involve each pregnancy leading the mother to develop antibodies against a protein involved in male foetal brain development.

The result is, as families get more likely to benefit from the services of a gay uncle, the chances of one appearing increases.

Problem solved? Not quite. In order for this to completely explain homosexuality, a lot of extra nieces and nephews would have to be born and survive – probably too many for the genetic mathematics to add up.

But Professor Vasey does not think the benevolent uncle theory needs to be a complete explanation. It can be one of many, and the other leading contender is the “sexually antagonistic gene hypothesis”, more snappily known as the “sexy sisters hypothesis”.

What if the genes for homosexuality persist because despite making non-reproductive (if avuncular) men, when they appear in women they produce excellent breeders? Again the Fa’afafine, and Samoa, have been his laboratory. Professor Vasey took 86 Fa’afafine, and 86 heterosexual Samoan men. He then looked at their grandmothers – who are easier to study than sisters, because all their breeding is already finished.

He found that the grandmothers of the Fa’afafine were indeed better breeders. The theory is simple. By passing on their genes these grandmothers might end up with the occasional grandson who wears dresses and doesn’t reproduce (though always remembers his nieces’ and nephews’ birthdays). But they themselves, thanks to the very same genes, were also better at reproducing – so made enough other grandchildren to make up for it. There is a problem, though, given the way the theory was originally framed. Somehow, the “sexy grandmothers’ hypothesis” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Complete Article HERE!

What’s The Difference Between Polyamory And Open Relationships?

By Lauren Ash

If you’ve been active in the dating scene, you’ve probably spotted the phrase ‘ethically non-monogamous’ in a few Bumble bios lately. Ethical non-monogamy is a popular dating and relationship term that encompasses a number of “non-traditional” styles of relationship and approaches to dating, including polyamory, swingers, relationship anarchy, as well as open relationships, per Freddie. And while all of these relationships fall under the heading of ethical non-monogamy, they are not synonymous with one another. Though open relationships of all kinds are nothing new, it seems more and more people are interested in exploring their options. A 2021 study revealed that one in nine Americans have been in a polyamorous relationship, and one in six would be open to trying one at some point (via Newsweek).

To people who’ve never considered non-monogamy, the idea of having multiple emotional and sexual relationships might seem confusing. Just the number of relationship labels can be a lot to process. “In practice, it can look like a range of things,” Georgia Grace, a certified sex coach and educator tells Vogue Australia. “For some people, being ethically non-monogamous is about wanting to have sex with multiple people. For others, it’s about having romantic connections, or it might be about intimacy, or a range of other reasons.” Whatever the motivation behind opening things up, the common thread between these types of ethically non-monogamous relationships is that all partners are aware of the open relationship dynamic and fully consent to their partner(s) becoming romantically, sexually, and/or emotionally involved with other people.

What is polyamory?

Polyamory is a non-monogamous approach to love and dating in which people are open to multiple romantic relationships with the knowledge and consent of all partners involved. This type of open relationship isn’t just about having more sex with more people, it’s about opening yourself up to the abundance of love and committed relationships that life has to offer. “It’s honestly not that much different from being in any relationship, for me at least. Each relationship is separate from the other, and each has their great parts and less than great parts, just like any relationship,” one polyamorous woman shares with Refinery29. It’s important to point out that being polyamorous isn’t necessarily the same as being in an open relationship.

With open relationships, the focus is placed more heavily on having a sexual relationship outside of a marriage or relationship, while polyamory tends to place more emphasis on exploring intimate or romantic relationships with more than one person at a time. And within the polyamory community itself, there are many different sub-groups that each have their own structure and relationship hierarchies; a few of these being solo polyamory, polyfidelity, hierarchical polyamory, and non-hierarchical polyamory, just to name a few (via PureWow). “There are no right or wrong ways to do polyamory and non-monogamy in general. It’s really about what works for you,” says sex therapist Rachel Wright tells Them. “While there are these types of polyamorous relationships, it doesn’t mean they are the only ways to do it.”

What is an open relationship?

Open relationships refer to any type of romantic relationship (dating, marriage, etc.) in which one or both parties aren’t exclusively sexually involved with each other or are open to exploring sexually together. Some people consider open relationships to be a type of polyamory, but more often the term “open relationship” is used to describe committed or otherwise closed partners that are open to other sexual connections. “When we think of an open relationship, a lot of people assume it’s a free-for-all. But the truth is that open relationships often have tons of structure — it’s just structure that the spouses have created together, tailored to their specific needs, rather than a blind acceptance of the normative structure that defines monogamous marriages,” sex educator Wendasha Jenkins Hall, Ph.D. tells Cosmopolitan.

There are a number of reasons why previously monogamous couples might explore a new relationship style -– what’s important is that both parties are happy with the arrangement. “Any time a couple decides to do anything of importance in their relationship, they need to make sure that they’re creating a win-win situation for both people,” couples and family therapist Gabrielle Usatynski tells Katie Couric Media. “This is what we call true mutuality. It’s good for me and good for you, and if it’s not good for one person, it’s not good for either, because we sink or swim together.” Whatever the reason for exploring new sexual boundaries with your partner, trust and open communication are the key to any successful open relationship.

Is opening up your relationship right for you?

If you’re considering opening up your relationship but don’t know if it’s right for you, it might be helpful to see what the experts have to say. For starters, you’ll want to decide and discuss the boundaries that both you and your partner have. While it may feel scary and intimidating to express your desires and show your vulnerable side, it’s important to take your time and be honest with your partner. “The key is communication. These relationship styles are all about being upfront and honest about what you want and what your needs and boundaries are. The most successful ones are those where people are on the same page,” sex and relationships therapist Renee Divine, L.M.F.T., tells Women’s Health.

If this sounds like an arrangement that you and your partner can manage, you might want to consider taking the leap. Open relationships of all kinds are a chance to explore your desires and widen your worldview on what love looks like. And remember, this should be a light and fun adventure for everyone involved –- so keep the communication open and fun as you figure things out. “No matter where on the spectrum couples decide to land, opening up your relationship will involve trial, error, and flexibility,” sex and dating coach Tennesha Wood tells TZR. “Open relationships can change and evolve and it’s important that couples openly communicate at every stage of the process and allow room for change.”

Complete Article HERE!

How To Teach Girls What A Healthy Relationship Looks Like, Early On

by Kimberly Wolf, M.Ed.

Love is one of the highest-impact subjects you can teach. Fortunately, it’s also one of the easiest to broach.

If you’re tempted to open up a discussion of romantic relationships with “no dating until you’re 30!” you wouldn’t be alone or entirely misguided. Throughout history, conventional wisdom held that fathers should teach their daughters about the perils of love, stop their potential ravishers at the door, and avenge their heartbreaks.

While your role has evolved, and dad jokes about scaring dates away are far past their prime, there are some real dangers you want to address. Identifying these risks can help your daughter recognize any potentially harmful patterns in her relationships and help her avoid or address them early on:

The risks of romantic relationships:

  • Loss of personal identity. Girls can become so wrapped up in their romantic relationships that they get distracted from schoolwork, let their friendships slip, and devote less focus to their own passions.
  • Emotional distress. Fights, disappointment, and heartbreak can send girls spiraling.
  • Risky sexual behavior. If girls’ relationships become intimate, there is the chance for risky sexual behavior to occur. Girls need to be educated about sexual health.
  • Dating violence. Dating violence, including sexual misconduct, is a matter of international concern.

The building blocks of healthy relationships.

Some of these building blocks may seem obvious, but you can’t take for granted that your daughter will figure them out easily. Telling her the basics can make a positive difference, saving her time and limiting confusion and heartache. Here are some characteristics of good relationships:

  • Partners feel happy and content in the relationship most of the time.
  • There are strong feelings of psychological safety and joy and low levels of drama and jealousy.
  • Partners feel accepted. They don’t feel pressured to change their appearance, values, hobbies, or other personal characteristics.
  • Partners maintain their personal identities and activities and stay focused on their individual goals and responsibilities, enjoying their relationship as just one part of their lives.
  • Partners share a strong emotional connection, not just a physical connection.
  • Partners communicate openly and directly to voice boundaries, build trust, and solve conflicts quickly.
  • Partners speak and act kindly to each other, boosting each other’s self-esteem.
  • Partners are not physically violent.
  • Partners end relationships respectfully.

Red flags in relationships.

Discussion of potential red flags also has an important place in this conversation. Here are some concerning signs your daughter should be aware of:

  • Feeling like a romantic partner is excessively jealous.
  • When a romantic partner acts controlling or tries to dictate what their significant other is allowed to do, where they can go, and who they can spend time with outside the relationship.
  • A partner feels guilty, like they can’t do anything right, or that they are “in trouble” with their romantic partner often.
  • Any type of physical violence or threat of violence.
  • Any type of sexual violence.

Girls’ common questions and concerns.

Why it seems like “everyone is in a relationship.”

Explain that for a lot of reasons, it might feel to your daughter like she is the only one not in a relationship. It’s easy to focus on what others have. A lot of movies depicting life in middle and high school focus on a love story, which makes it seem like having a relationship in your teens is something that needs to happen or should always happen. And romantic relationships are glorified and depicted in the music girls listen to and the Netflix shows they binge. Since our culture places so much value on relationships, it makes total sense she may feel like the only single person at one time or another.

Make sure she knows that most people have their first relationships after high school and that relationships don’t always happen on our timelines. Relationships are about connecting with the right person at the right time. And make sure she realizes that lots of people have the moment she is having, where they feel like they are the only one without a significant other. Her time to be with someone will happen, and it will be worth the wait.

With this approach, you are making her feel heard, honoring her feelings, and reassuring her while also offering her facts to back up a different point of view. She may not be in the mood to consider her situation from a different perspective, but she may come back to it later.

How to get into a relationship.

This is another common question for girls. Mention that relationships begin in all different ways. Help her see the benefit in spending time with people who make her happy and who make her feel relaxed and confident. Sometimes, girls focus on crushes who don’t have the same feelings or who are interested in other people. Encourage your daughter to really pay attention in these moments, noticing whether certain crushes and relationships actually make her happy. Explain that you can’t always choose the way you feel or who you are attracted to, but you always have the ability to change your focus to the people you feel comfortable around and who value you.

Things to say:

  • I love you.
  • Love is an important part of life.
  • Healthy relationships can be a fun and meaningful part of life.
  • It can feel like everyone else is in a relationship, but that isn’t the case.
  • Relationships should add to your sense of inner peace and confidence, not cause anxiety.
  • You should never feel like you have to change or be uncomfortable to make someone else happy.
  • Trust your gut feelings about someone.
  • Jealousy, controlling behaviors, and violence are not markers of authentic love.
  • Be truthful and kind in relationships.

Things to not say:

  • You’re not dating until you’re 30.
  • Relationships don’t matter right now; focus on your homework and friendships.
  • You’re too young to be in love.
  • You don’t know what love is.
  • Relationships never work out.
  • All men are dogs.

Questions to ask:

The topic of love and relationships comes up in a song, TV show, or movie. Ask:

  • Do you think the way they are talking about love is realistic?
  • Do you think the media sets healthy expectations for real-life relationships?
  • Do you think the media influences the way your friends view love and relationships? How?
  • Who do you think are the most realistic TV or movie couples? Why?

Your daughter and her friends are talking about crushes and/or significant others in your presence. Later on, ask:

  • Do you think most people you know in relationships are happy? Or do people get caught up in the drama?
  • Do you feel like your friends are always respectful and caring when talking about other people’s relationships?
  • What do you think are the best things about relationships right now?
  • What is most exciting to you about relationships?

Your daughter is in a relationship that seems positive. Ask:

  • What is your favorite thing about [name]?
  • Are there ways you feel that being in this relationship is helping you?
  • What do you feel like you’ve learned so far about relationships?
  • What are the ways you communicate best together?

Beyond the conversation: modeling healthy relational behaviors.

When it comes to teaching your daughter to recognize healthy relationships and incorporate healthy relationship strategies, the example you set is paramount. You don’t have to be perfect, but whenever possible, model the habits you hope your daughter will form, even in trying times. Show her what it means to treat loved ones with respect and resolve conflicts in caring ways. If you have a romantic partner, be mindful of cultivating healthy relationship dynamics together. Your daughter will notice and develop expectations for her relationships based in great part on your actions and behaviors.

Complete Article HERE!

How to boost your sexual wellness

Sex is more than about intercourse – it’s the relationship you have with yourself

By Bibi Lynch

If you’re lucky, every day will feel like National Sex Day.

But on our official calendar, that special occasion falls today, on June 9.

To celebrate the moment, we chatted with Annabelle Knight – sex and relationships guru and the body language expert for ITV’s Ready To Mindgle – about orgasms, solo pleasure, and how we can prioritise our sexual wellness.

Here’s what she had to say.

Explain the day, if you will…

National Sex Day is putting pleasure at the forefront of the conversation.

It takes all the sharp, pointy edges off sex – the things that feel awkward, such as the orgasm gap [the disparity between straight men and women in terms of, yes, orgasming] or performance anxiety – and provides a warm hug of satisfaction.

The vibe is pleasure-centric coupled with information, education and entertainment.

Talking about sex can still be taboo so when familiar faces with a lot of followers open up the conversation on social media, it feels acceptable, familiar and safe.

That is when people learn how important things such as consent are.

National Sex Day is about you and your sexuality – your relationship with yourself, pleasure and your own body. Empowering!

What is sexual wellness?

It’s about feeling happy, healthy and contented with your sex life – a blend of your physical and mental state, your social wellbeing and your connection with your sexuality.

So what can make you feel sexually unwell?

A lack of communication. When we talk about sex, what comes to a lot of people’s minds is sex that involves more than one person and also about gaining pleasure from that person.

But sexual wellness and wellbeing is really about the relationship you have with yourself – it’s about being honest with yourself. So I’m not necessarily saying ‘the words you say to your partner’, I’m saying ‘the messages you internalise within yourself’.

illustration of couple cuddling in bed
Communication is everything

What happens if the messages are negative?

You’re getting in your own way. Sex, orgasm and pleasure are really important to our emotional and physical wellbeing.

Lots of studies show that regular orgasm, or regular sexual connection, promotes better immune response. You get fewer coughs and colds.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away? Well, so does an orgasm. And that’s free.

Are we going to get ill if we don’t have sex?

No. Talking about ‘is not having sex bad for you?’ just brings in shame and feelings of ‘I don’t go to the gym, I don’t eat well and now I’m not having sex! Just another thing I’m bad at’.

But sex is great for you and it’s helpful to redefine what sex is. You could think of it as being this big beach umbrella covering a giant expanse of beach – and every grain of sand is a different type of sexual encounter you can have.

Sex is anything you want it to be. And if we redefine the word sex to mean ‘the giving and receiving of sexual, sensual pleasure’, it changes the conversation.

Masturbation is sex. A heavy make-out session is sex. Mutual masturbation is sex. Even just reading erotic fiction is sex. Anything you derive sensual pleasure from, or have a sexual response to, is a form of sex. It is way more than intercourse.

Let’s talk about solo pleasure…

Solo pleasure is a 100% safe space – you can’t catch an STI or get pregnant, no one can judge you, you can’t have a bad experience and want the person to leave immediately… it is entirely about you.

That can be masturbation manually but I’m a great believer in sex toys. If I’m making a cake, I’m not whisking it by hand, I’m using my KitchenAid. That’s what you have to take into the bedroom with you. Not literally.

There are so many sex toys – absolutely something for everyone. And one of the great things about sex toys is the shopping for them.

Shopping for lingerie, sex toys and lube helps build what is called ‘positive anticipation’ – the feeling of excitement for your sexuality and sensuality. That is brilliant for confidence boosting and making you feel sexually well.

illustration of woman in a bubble bath
Have a solo sesh

And what is the recipe for good partnered pleasure?

Communication, exploration and experimentation is the triangle of pleasure for partnered experiences. I advocate being a trisexual – just trying things!

Lube gets a bad rap…

Yes! Lube shouldn’t be an accessory, it should be a necessity. A lot of people still believe lube is a ‘fix’ – to help with vaginal dryness, for example.

If we think of it like that, we are telling ourselves we are broken in some way. That isn’t the case at all.

Sometimes the mind is willing and the body is not. If you know you’ve got a bit of lube in your bedroom drawer, it takes away pressure to perform and you reduce the stress-induced hormones that get in your way, sexually.

I see different stages of life as different sexual challenges to overcome. You can either be dragged down by them or realise finding solutions to any problems can be pleasurable in itself.

Lube, sex toys, sex aids… they give the best chance of achieving the greatest pleasure. There is no age limit, no expiration date, on a good sex life.

What’s your aim for National Sex Day?

Great sex for everyone, full stop. That people are happy and contented in the sex they are having with themselves, their partner, their many partners… and not just on National Sex Day, every day!

It would mean I’d be out of a job but it would also mean I’d done my job fantastically well.

Complete Article HERE!

7 red flags that you’re being groomed

— How to spot the difference between a well-meaning adult and a predator

It’s normal to have mentors, but they should never ask to see you alone.

By

  • Grooming is the process of normalizing inappropriate behavior between minors and adults. 
  • If an adult tells you to keep secrets or starts giving you gifts out of nowhere, it may be a red flag. 
  • It’s also not normal for an adult to want to spend lots of alone time with you or offer you alcohol.

If you’re a minor who’s encountering unusual behavior from an adult — like love bombing or asking to spend a lot of alone, you may be a victim of grooming.

Grooming is a set of actions that an adult takes to subtly or overtly assert inappropriate control and power over a vulnerable person, like a child,” says Kyle Zrenchik, a licensed family and marriage therapist and co-owner of All In Therapy Clinic.

Adults groom to slowly normalize an abnormal relationship, manipulating the young person to believe that they’re safe, trustworthy, and that the nature of the relationship is normal –– when in reality it’s anything but that.

“The ultimate goal of grooming is abuse,” says Rachel Wright, a licensed marriage and family therapist and psychotherapist in private practice. This means a groomer may engage in sexual, physical, or emotional abuse. Or, they might even force their victim to do violent or illegal acts, Wright says.

Here are seven signs of grooming to be on the lookout for.

1. They’re taking a quick, significant interest in you and your life

Sure, it’s nice when someone’s interested in what’s going on in your life. However, it can be alarming if it’s excessive or coming out of nowhere. 

Wright says that behaviors could indicate grooming are:

  • Texting or trying to contact you all the time
  • Making promises quickly
  • Giving you gifts out of nowhere 

Groomers work very hard to befriend their victims and earn their trust, says Wright. By taking a lot of interest in you and weaseling their way into your life, they’re ultimately manipulating you and likely going to eventually start asking for something in return.

2. They tell you to keep secrets

If someone is sharing sensitive information with you or engaging in certain behaviors with you and telling you to keep it a secret, this could be indicative of grooming, says Zrenchik.

Zrenchik says a couple of examples of this could look like a groomer saying:

  • “Don’t tell your mom, but I think she’s really hard on you. You’re a better kid than that and you really deserve somebody who realizes how special and amazing you are…but don’t tell her I said that.”
  • “Don’t tell anybody that I rubbed your back. It’s just us being friends –– other people wouldn’t understand. So don’t tell them because they wouldn’t get it.”

3. They discuss inappropriate adult topics with you

Groomers may bring up unnecessary and inappropriate topics in conversation with you. Zrenchik says they may try to discuss:

  • Their intimate relationships
  • Their marriage
  • Sex

Or they might bring up topics that seem a bit more harmless, like problems at work or with friends, Zrenchik. But the problem lies within how heavily they rely on you for emotional support or comfort.

For example, they may try to excessively call you, cry to you, or ask for lots of hugs. You should not be responsible for taking care of an adult’s emotional needs, and if an adult makes you feel this way, it’s a big red flag.

“An adult is supposed to comfort a child –– not vice versa,” Zrenchik says.

4. They try to fulfill your needs

When someone is going out of their way to spend time with you and listen to you, it can certainly feel flattering, but ultimately, it’s a manipulation tactic by the groomer, says Zrenchik.

Wright says if you tell an adult that you’re struggling with something or that you have nobody else to talk to, they will use this opportunity to get closer to you. They may even go overboard showing up as your confidant.

“This person will make themselves readily available to be there to hear all the details so that you can confide in them. They get information, you bond to them. It’s a win-win…until it’s not,” Wright says.

Ultimately, it’s about getting you to rely on them for comfort: “In becoming reliant and trusting of this person, you wind up feeling brainwashed, doing things you wouldn’t typically do, and feel close to this person who has manipulated you,” Wright says.

5. They try to spend time alone with you

It’s common for groomers to try to get their victims alone so they can do and say things that they wouldn’t be able to around other adults, says Zrenchik. Additionally, this gives them a chance to feel it out and read how you respond to this behavior, testing the waters, so to speak.

The groomer may suggest this alone time in a way that seems innocuous, such as asking for help around their house, or saying they have an extra ticket to an event and no one to go with, Zrenchik says.

It’s easy for the line to be blurry here. A 2014 review states that some of this behavior —for example, a well-meaning mentor taking time to help you with an extracurricular interest — is not nefarious. But the review notes that groomers can use that to their advantage, making the scenario seem “normal” when it’s not.

But if someone is always trying to get you alone and insists that your parents or other adults don’t need to be there, it may be a way of isolating you.

“Abusers don’t want anyone figuring out what they’re doing so the less other people in the person their grooming’s life knows about them, the better. The isolation is about control,” Wright says.

6. They give you drugs or alcohol

If an adult is providing you with drugs or alcohol, this is a dangerous sign, says Zrenchik. According to a 2022 study, groomers use substances as a “tool” to aid in the abuse. This is because mind-altering substances can lower a victim’s inhibitions or their ability to consent.

Furthermore, this can be another attempt for the groomer to make the victim feel special, or even more grown-up, setting the stage for further abuse.

7. They’re touchy

While sexual touch is a more obvious sign of grooming or abuse, an adult might also engage in inappropriate touch by massaging or tickling you, Zrenchik says.

It’s common for groomers to start out with “innocent” touch in an effort to desensitize you to it, so they can later progress to more intense inappropriate touch.

Furthermore, according to the same 2014 review, it’s not unlikely for groomers to claim that their inappropriate touching is accidental.

Insider’s takeaway

Grooming is dangerous –– however, it isn’t always easy to spot when you’re a victim of it due to its often subtle nature. Be on the lookout for signs like attempts at alone time, adult conversations, or inappropriate touching. Trust your gut when you think something is wrong.

If you’re a minor and you think an adult is grooming you, it is imperative to distance yourself from the groomer and to tell a trusted adult, like a parent or school counselor, to prevent further abuse and stay safe.

Complete Article HERE!

Sex Drive Actually Isn’t a Real Thing

By

For the past few years, mainstream society has been steadily moving toward a culture of sexual acceptance and pleasure celebration. While it’s great that wanting and having sex is becoming increasingly normalized, the idea of not wanting sex has started to become increasingly pathologized, which is not so great. In reality, both conditions can be true: People can naturally desire sex, and people can naturally have no interest in it. And equating sex with an instinctual “drive” doesn’t accurately capture that range.

To say that sex is not a drive, again, does not mean that people don’t naturally crave having it—because many of them do (more on how that works below). It just means that sex is not a drive in the way that a drive connotes an inherent human need for something. “Physiologically, drives are reserved for survival-related activities such as the need for oxygen, food, and water,” says gynecologist and sexual-medicine specialist Christie Cobb, MD. And we all know, you won’t die without sex, however much you might want it.

“Physiologically, drives are reserved for survival-related activities such as the need for oxygen, food, and water.”
—Christie Cobb, MD, gynecologist and sexual-medicine specialist

The strong degree of sexual yearning many people feel, though, may be the reason sex was first linked with the idea of a “drive”—back when sex was far more hush-hush than it is today, particularly outside the scope of marriage or for non-procreative reasons. “’Sex’ and ‘drive’ became associated in the late 1800s due to Sigmund Freud’s theory of infant sexuality, called ‘drive theory,’” says clinical psychologist and AASECT-certified sex therapist Lori Lawrenz, PsyD. Generally, his concept of the development of libido (his term from a Latin word for desire and lust) included the idea of being driven to have sex, she says.

It is true that people are driven to have sex, in a colloquial sense, which is perhaps why the idea of a “sex drive” has become so popular in the zeitgeist. But, it’s crucial to clarify what someone means when they are talking of their sex drive, says Dr. Lawrenz. “Are they driven to have sex like they are driven to succeed at work?” she says. Because, in that case, drive might be an apt term.

Still, just as it’s normal to lack a drive to excel at work, it’s also normal to not have a “drive” for sex, which is why sexual “desire” is often a more accurate term than “drive.” “The desire for sex is a motivational system,” says Dr. Cobb, differentiating it from the physiological undertone of a “drive.” “With that motivation for sex often comes a reward, which reinforces the cycle.”

If sex is not a drive, then why are some people motivated to have it?

Sex can certainly be a natural desire, if not technically a drive. And generally, that occurs in two ways: spontaneous and responsive. The first is likely what you associate with libido or a sex “drive” that seems randomly (ahem, spontaneously) generated: It’s that feeling of horniness that makes you want to jump someone’s bones (or bring yourself to climax) for no apparent reason. Because libido has been widely depicted this way in pop culture, it’s easy to assume that this is the only “normal” way to experience sexual desire, and that there’s something wrong with you if you don’t typically or ever feel this random sexual fervor.

But in reality, the other type of desire—responsive desire—is not only just as valid, but also may be more common in folks with female sex organs. This refers to having a desire for sex in response to physical arousal or other motivations, like a yearning to be more intimate with a partner. And the simple fact that sexual desire is often only incited in this way, through external factors, is another key reason why sex is not inherently a drive.

Whereas “sex drive” also implies a constant motivating force, both spontaneous and responsive desire leave wiggle room for change over time—which is very common. Biological factors (like being pregnant, postpartum, or in perimenopause) can lead to fluctuations in sexual desire, as can cultural or societal norms around sex, the relationship you have with a sexual partner, and even lifestyle factors. Some such factors are known to lower libido, like feeling chronically stressed or being sleep-deprived, while others are known to raise libido, like exercising or masturbating regularly .

How the concept of a “sex drive” excludes people on the asexuality spectrum

Though a “drive” isn’t quite an accurate term to describe how and why people get turned on, it also implies that humans need to have sex, in the way that they need food or water. Not only is this inaccurate, but also, it erases the existence of a category of people who do not often or ever want sex.

“People who do not experience much if any sexual attraction may identify as asexual,” says Dr. Cobb. But, this doesn’t preclude people on the asexuality spectrum from having an interest in romance or intimacy. “Plenty of asexual people are in healthy committed relationships, but their attraction is just not sex-based,” she adds.

“There is nothing wrong with existing on the asexuality spectrum.”
—Dr. Cobb

This is also not emblematic of an underlying sexual dysfunction, either, as the person who’s identifying as asexual does not experience any distress with regard to their lack of sexual desire. “An asexual person is accepting of their experience of being a person with minimal to no sexual desire,” says Dr. Lawrenz, “whereas someone with hypoactive sexual desire disorder, as characterized by the DSM-5, experiences it as a problem to not have the desire for sex.”

In the latter case, where a person is experiencing distress about the fact that they lack sexual desire, there are certainly treatment options, including sex therapy, psychotherapy, and medication, which can help rev up libido. But in the former case of simply on the asexuality spectrum, the issue is not a pathology and, in turn, does not need to be “treated,” says Dr. Cobb: “There is nothing wrong with existing on the asexuality spectrum.” And if that’s you, know that you’re not lacking some sort of natural human “drive.”

The only reason why asexuality seems to be such an “abnormal” or pathological identity is because it comprises a very small percentage of the population, says Dr. Cobb, “so most people are living with different sexual expectations [than those of asexual people].” Given that many allosexual folks (aka people who do experience sexual desire) equate sex with romance and intimacy, it’s important for asexual people to communicate their needs and boundaries with any romantic partner in order to ensure that their expectations for having—and not having—sex are known and respected.

Complete Article HERE!

What Is Tantric Sex?

How To Practice Tantra’s Intimate Form Of Sex

By Leslie Grace, R.N.

Tantric sex is a whole new way of being in sexual connection that allows you access to deeper levels of feeling, sensation, and energy, and ultimately more of who you really are.

This path is simple but profound: It’s about wholeheartedly celebrating the sacredness of our bodies and desires while bringing a quality of mindful awareness to the shared expression of pleasure.

It can help you release shame, trauma, and blocks around sex, unleashing the transformative power of your erotic energy and leading you to some of the most soul-shattering orgasms ever.

Through this holistic approach, sensuality also becomes a doorway to beingness, to the divine, and to a more intimate experience of the present moment.

What is tantric sex?

Tantric sex is a sexual practice that’s part of the ancient spiritual path known as tantra. Tantra (pronounced tahn-tra, with an ahh sound in that first syllable) is a Sanskrit term that translates to “weave.”

It refers to weaving together or uniting the masculine and feminine forces within all of us, heaven and earth, the human body with the transcendent, collapsing the polarities.

The purpose of tantra is to discover an ecstatic union with all of life beyond the separate sense of self. Sacred or tantric sex—an aspect of tantra—is seen as one doorway to that transcendent truth, once we learn how to harness it.

The simplest explanation of tantric intimacy is that it’s about bringing the fire of your sexual energy, passion, and desires into alignment with your heart, your spirit, and a sense of goodness in your life.

When these forces come into balance and harmony, the sparks of interpersonal magic really start flying, and sex becomes something healing, empowering, transcendent, and profoundly beautiful.

I’m talking about the kind of lovemaking that feels truly connected, aligned, massively powerful, and filled with the utmost respect and devotion between you and your partner.

This kind of intimacy evokes your highest self and leaves you overflowing with love. Time slows down, your intuition expands, and you can find yourself in nearly psychedelic realms of orgasmic possibility that you might have only heard about or imagined.

Sounds pretty good, huh?

Summary

Tantric sex is a sexual practice that’s part of the ancient spiritual path known as tantra. It focuses on bringing the fire of your sexual energy, passion, and desires into alignment with your heart, your spirit, and a sense of goodness in your life.

What happens during tantric sex

Tantric sex involves a wide array of erotic activities, not all of which involve the same kind of penetration and physical stimulation of erogenous zones that most people associate with sex.

A typical tantra session involves the subtle realms of sex, including slow embraces, gentle caresses, getting present within the body, and focusing on the movement of energy between the partners’ bodies.

Sometimes during tantric sex, you’re barely moving, and the focus is on the meditative, devotional dimension.

If you relax and take things slowly, or ramp up and slow down the action, you can make love for hours, and the enjoyment can just keep building.

People with penises might also explore practices like edging (getting close to orgasm and backing off), which builds their ability to last longer and hold more pleasure before flipping over into orgasm.

That said, all sexual energy can be tantric when done with awareness.

Tantric sex can dive into the raw, intense, and animalistic spaces, where the body’s instinctual intelligence takes over and you are blind to pleasure. Dominance and submission can be tantric as well.

Breathwork is also central to tantric sex; people might use their breath and awareness to move sexual energy throughout their whole body, awakening their capacity for full-body pleasure (rather than pleasure localized specifically in the genitalia).

Neotantra vs. classical tantra

Tantra stems back to at least the seventh century if not earlier, appearing in various forms and texts in Hindu, Buddhist, and Jain traditions.

But usually when Westerners use the word “tantra,” we are really talking about the field of “neotantra.”

There are various complex and rigorous spiritual paths of “classical tantra,” which aim at full spiritual awakening or enlightenment as the goal. These include Kashmir Shaivism, a strand of religious philosophies from Kashmir and India, and the Vajrayana Buddhist path of India and Tibet.

These paths often involve serious study and personal dedication, meditative practices, and can include various elements of ritual, such as the use of mantras, visualizations, and deity worship. Working with sexual energy was only a small part of the practice and was for advanced students only.

By contrast, neotantra has developed over the last 150 years and aims specifically at more fulfilling intimacy and connection, a deeper connection to one’s own body and emotions, healing trauma and blocks, and opening to greater states of orgasmic ecstasy.

This body of teachings has been deeply inspired by some of the core tenets of classical tantra, but it is important to acknowledge that much of what is taught and shared among modern tantric sex practitioners are not “ancient practices” in the literal sense, though meaningful and relevant in their own ways.

Tantric sex positions and practices to try

1. Create a sacred space

Consciously disconnect from the mundane world and enter the world of the Divine—the world of pleasure. Turn off devices, light candles or incense, and gather any special treats like chocolates or berries.

Purify yourself by showering and dressing in something lovely; purify your space by tidying up and putting away the laundry piles. It’s also best to skip or go light on the substances in order to be fully present.

Set intentions for this session of intimacy, such as, “My intention is to show you with my body how much I love you” or “I’m curious to explore deeply receiving.”

2. Eye gazing (or “soul gazing”)

In the powerful gaze of your partner, there is nowhere to hide, and you practice fully revealing yourself to the other with all that you feel and all that you are. You see them fully while at the same time letting yourself be seen.

Sit up straight on a pillow or chair facing your partner. You can look left eye to left eye or just gaze softly at both eyes, and you can also hold hands if you like. Let the love that is in your heart shine out through your eyes.

Gazing at your beloved, see the divine spark in their eyes, marveling at the pure life force that is animating them. Feel the sacredness of this simple moment together.

Try for two minutes. Notice what emotions or sensations come up, or if you feel tempted to look away. It isn’t a staring contest, so you can always close your eyes for a few seconds and then open them again.

3. Hands on hearts circuit

This one can often flow nicely after eye gazing. While sitting facing each other with a soft gaze, bring your hands to your own heart and breathe up into your heart.

As you feel the love that is welling up in your heart for your partner, reach across and place your right hand on your partner’s heart (with consent), and they can place their right hand on your heart.

Each person’s left hand then covers the hand on their own heart. Synchronize your breathing, with slow, deep, nourishing breaths.

On the inhale, receive breath and love into your own heart, and on the exhale, send that love from your heart down your right arm and into your partner’s heart, making a circuit of love and energy flowing between you. Do this for about 10 breaths.

4. Tantric massage

Tantric massages are another powerful part of tantric sex, one that can be the key to multiple orgasms for both people with clitorises and people with penises.

In a tantric massage, one partner gets to just lie back and receive, getting the chance to tune into their pleasure and sexual energy and see how it wants to open up through their body, while the other partner moves their hands slowly and meditatively along their body to let them feel every single new sensation.

Consider trying out the yoni massage (a tantric massage for the vagina and clitoris), lingam massage (a tantric massage for penises), and tantric nipple play.

5. The yab-yum position

This classic tantric sex position represents the union of Shiva and Shakti, the two divine energies of masculine and feminine. But remember these are just energies, and it doesn’t matter the gender of the participants. Even for relationships between cis men and cis women, it’s powerful to practice switching between each role.

  • The base partner (representing Shiva, who is energetically or physically penetrative) sits cross-legged on a pillow in the “holding” position while the other partner (representing Shakti, who is energetically or physically receptive) can either drape their legs over their partner’s legs with their butt on the bed or a pillow or can fully sit in the lap of their partner. The base partner’s arms should go around the waist of the other partner, whose arms go around the shoulders of the base partner. Your heads can be cheek to cheek, or you can touch forehead to forehead. This position aligns the chakras of the partners and allows for sexual energy to move upward along the spine.
  • Once you come into alignment, start by taking a few deep, slow breaths together, synchronizing your breathing. Then begin to move together in slow undulations, arching, swirling in circles, finding a flow and a rhythm that feels delicious, activating your sexual energy together. The base partner “gives” to the partner on top who is “receiving” that energy up into their body.
  • Connect with your breath to expand the pleasure and sexual energy throughout the entire body, lighting up every cell with that life force. You can try staying with smaller, subtle movements or get as vigorous as you like, but either way, use your breath to draw orgasmic energy from your pelvis up the spine and up to your third eye (the spot between your eyebrows) or crown (the top of the head) and beyond.
  • This position can be practiced fully clothed, naked, or in whatever form of penetration you like. You can even learn to have full-body energy orgasms—with no penetration whatsoever—while remaining fully clothed, though that might take a little more practice!

The purpose of tantric sex

There can be a whole array of goals and expectations around sex that put pressure on us to be a certain way, as well as routines and habits that keep us stuck in a sexual rut.

Tantra is about throwing all of that out the window and starting fresh with a beginner’s mind, redefining sex by making it more about intimacy, connection, and playful possibility rather than a race to the orgasm or a box to be checked.

When you let go of goals like “getting someone off” or achieving anything in particular, there is literally endless room for discovery and such a wide range of what is possible.

And whatever you’re experiencing now in terms of orgasm, you can safely assume there is way more to experience through tantric sex—more powerful orgasms, longer-lasting orgasms, non-ejaculatory orgasms and multiple orgasms for men, numerous kinds of orgasms for women, deep states of surrender, visionary states, and states of oneness with your partner and life itself.

Sacred sexuality can also be an integral part of the path of awakening and personal evolution.

Various spiritual teachers have admitted that orgasm is an experience that gives us a glimpse of divinity because there’s a melting of the regular egoic self in those moments of communion.

Benefits of tantric sex

  • Getting more of what you want in sex
  • Releasing sexual blocks and shame
  • Finding healing from sexual trauma
  • Awakening your sexual energy to flow freely within your body
  • Accessing your fullest pleasure and desire
  • Tuning into subtle energy
  • Discovering full-body and/or multiple orgasms
  • For people with penises, delaying orgasm or experiencing non-ejaculatory orgasms
  • Experiencing a new level of heart connection with your partner, a profound sense of intimacy, and loving presence
  • Longer lovemaking sessions, relaxation, and a quality of spaciousness
  • Enhanced communication and communion
  • Holistic mind-body-spirit connection with yourself and with your partner

The takeaway

There are many myths about tantra that can make people feel like it’s not for them. But I feel inspired to teach tantra because I believe most people have a ton of their power and truth locked up in their sexuality, right alongside all the messed-up cultural conditioning and trauma most of us carry.

When people get aligned in their sexuality, when their sexual “life force” energy is fully activated in them and connected to their hearts and spirits, they can become the most thriving, unstoppable, and inspired versions of themselves to go actualize their purpose in the world.

Complete Article HERE!

How to Have Good (and Safe!) Sex in College

From prioritizing pleasure to planning ahead.

By

Sexual freedom and exploration can be one of the most exciting parts of the transition to college life: Living on campus can put you in a hyper-horny environment in which the things you’ve only wondered or fantasized about are now possibilities to explore. As exhilarating as that may sound, though, it can also be a bit overwhelming—especially if you’re new to living on your own or starting to be sexually active for the first time.

Not to kill the mood, but much like coming up with a studying schedule can help you achieve academic success, making a plan for your sexual health is one of the best ways to set yourself up for a satisfying college sex life. After all, when you prioritize your sexual well-being, you have more control over what unfolds, which can make for more positive experiences (in the short and long term).

And even if you’re not sexually active, sexual health is a part of your overall health, so it’s important to take care of it regardless—whether you’re not having sex or can’t wait to have as much sex as possible. Here, we asked sexual health experts for their best advice for the newly-minted undergrad.

1. Prioritize pleasure as you explore your sexuality.

Sexual education is seriously lacking in most states (only 20 require that high school curriculums include information on contraception use, for example, per the Guttmacher Institute). And even if you consider yourself well-educated regarding stuff like preventing pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, that alone won’t necessarily make for a satisfying sex life. “Even if you did get sex ed, it was probably about how sex will kill you, not that sex should feel good,” Jennifer Lincoln, MD, a board-certified ob-gyn practicing in Portland, Oregon, tells SELF.

When it comes to sexual pleasure, talking to your partner about what feels good to you (and them) is essential, says Dr. Lincoln. And getting curious about your own body through masturbation can also help you discover what gets you off, Lee Phillips, PhD, a licensed sex therapist who practices in New York City, tells SELF. Solo sex sessions are a great way to figure out what types of stimulation you prefer, he says, whether you plan to get another person involved in your pleasure or not.

You can also visit inclusive sex education sites like Scarleteen—which gives practical, relatable advice on everything from masturbation to porn preferences—or read actually helpful sex ed books like S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-To-Know Sexuality Guide to Get You Through Your Teens and Twenties (by Scarleteen founder Heather Corinna) to help you figure out who and what turns you on. Streaming sexy movies can also be a fun way to discover what you’re into. (To help you get, um, going, here’s some more orgasm inspiration from SELF.)

2. Find out what types of sexual-health support are available on-campus.

Access to a campus health center or clinic is usually included in your annual fees, for example, but some schools may bill through your parents’ health insurance. The clinic may be taking new patients, or it might be difficult to get an appointment. Your college might offer free on-campus testing for sexually transmitted infections (STIs), annual ob-gyn visits, emergency contraceptives, and abortion care, or they might not have any of these services. You can ask a rep at student services or your campus health center to find out what’s available to you.

Regardless of whether you get care through your college, a local Planned Parenthood clinic, or another provider who isn’t associated with your campus, you’ll also probably want to know how your provider handles information you might like kept confidential, like prescriptions for birth control, says Dr. Lincoln. For example, even though you have a legal right to medical privacy, your parents might get statements that show you visited an ob-gyn if you go through their insurance for the visit. Dr. Lincoln says you can ask your provider what types of information the insured party might get in the mail and notes that a Planned Parenthood or campus-based clinic is more likely to be discreet.

If you live in a dorm, your resident assistant may also have some answers to your questions about your school’s sexual-health services, including those that are specific to the LGBTQ+ community. For example, at least 149 colleges and universities offer insurance plans that cover hormones and gender-affirming surgeries for transitioning students, according to data collected by the nonprofit Campus Pride.

And even if you aren’t sexually active at the moment, it’s a good idea to get familiar with the health care services you have available so that you feel comfortable using them if and when you need them. If you have a vagina, it’s particularly important to have a provider to speak to when you suspect that you have an infection, such as bacterial vaginosis, a yeast infection, or a UTI, as you’ll want to get speedy treatment.

3. If you want to avoid pregnancy, decide on a contraception plan.

Using a condom during sex can significantly reduce your odds of getting an STI or becoming pregnant—with perfect use, they’re effective at pregnancy prevention 98% of the time. But user error is common: In a 2017 analysis of contraceptive failure published in Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, condoms had, on average, a 13% failure rate over the span of one year. In other words, if you’re having the kind of sex that can lead to pregnancy, ideally, you’ll have a backup method of birth control.

Choosing a birth control method can be daunting, though, since there are so many options available, says Dr. Lincoln. Your best bet is to do a little research beforehand so that you have an idea of what method would work best for you. “It’s important to go to legitimate sources, and not TikTok, which can scare you off just about every birth control option,” Dr. Lincoln says. She points out that experiences with birth control that you might see on social media are pretty much like online business reviews: People only share “if it’s really awesome or really horrible.”

Dr. Lincoln recommends FindMyMethod and Bedsider.org as sites to consult as you start your research. Once you’ve compiled a list of pros, cons, and potential side effects for a few birth control options, you’ll be more empowered for a conversation with your provider.

4. Understand when to get tested for STIs.

STIs can be an unfortunate part of being sexually active. That’s true even if you aren’t engaging in penetrative sex of any kind. If body fluids like saliva, semen, or vaginal secretions are getting swapped, your risk of infection will never be zero, Kristen Mark, PhD, a professor of family medicine and community health at the University of Minnesota Medical School’s Institute for Sexual and Gender Health, tells SELF.

The National Institute of Health (NIH) points out that many STIs don’t have any obvious symptoms, so there’s often no way to tell if you’ve got one. Whether you’re between partners, engaging with a new partner, or have never been tested before, if you’re sexually active, STI testing should be part of your health care routine, says Dr. Mark.

You can visit your campus clinic or go to your general practitioner or ob-gyn to get tested for STIs. If a test is positive, your health care provider will talk you through your treatment options. You may need to take a course of antibiotics to clear things up, in the case of bacterial infections like chlamydia and gonorrhea, or begin antiviral medication to reduce your symptoms from viral infections like HIV or genital herpes. You’ll also be advised to contact any recent sexual partners to let them know they should get tested as well—it might not be the sexiest conversation, but it’s the right thing to do.

5. Know how to give and receive consent.

It sucks that we even have to talk about this, but sexual assault regularly happens on college campuses. One in five women in college experience some form of sexual assault, according to the United States Office on Women’s Health, and it’s more likely to occur within the first two semesters of campus living. LGBTQ+ students are also at a higher risk than their straight peers. You don’t have to live in fear, but having an emergency plan for unwanted sexual activity is an important part of sexual self-care, says Dr. Lincoln.

Start with a baseline definition of what consent really means. Planned Parenthood uses the acronym “FRIES” as an easy device for defining it: Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific. That means that if you’re feeling cornered by someone who intimidates you, that’s not consent. Agree to one type of sexual activity but then your partner tries to do something else you’re not into? That’s also not consensual.

Scarleteen has a great guide for navigating consent that clears up any confusion and gives practical tips for giving and receiving consent in a realistic, less awkward way. For example, you can phrase your enthusiasm in sexy terms—as in, “Don’t stop!” or “This feels so right”—or assure consent by framing your desires as questions (“I really want to do X sexual thing—do you want to do that too?”).

Of course, the sad and infuriating reality is that knowing what consent means isn’t always enough to help you avoid nonconsensual situations. That’s why Dr. Mark highly recommends keeping contact information in your phone for a few people you can call if you experience sexual assault or otherwise find yourself in a sexually unsafe situation—think supportive friends you can trust, your resident assistant, or your campus security officers. You can also get 24/7 confidential crisis support from a trained staff member at RAINN by calling 800-656-HOPE or using the organization’s online hotline.

6. Have a plan for when things don’t go according to plan.

Dr. Lincoln recommends having emergency contraception (EC), like Plan B (available over the counter) or Ella (which requires a prescription), on hand as well. “That way, if something happens on a Saturday night, you’re not waiting until Monday afternoon because that’s when your campus medical office opens,” Dr. Lincoln says.

It’s also important to know the abortion laws in your state and figure out where the nearest abortion clinic is. You can ask a provider or rep at your student health center which EC and abortion care options are available to you (and how and where to access them). You should also consider stocking up on cheap pregnancy tests so you can act quickly on a positive result if you need to.

7. Consider your mental health as a part of your sexual health.

Sexual relationships—or a lack thereof—can have a major impact on your mental health in college. Whether you’re dealing with a partner who’s throwing up red flags, sexual violence, behavior you regret, or just the general angst and uncertainty that can come with pursuing romantic relationships as a young adult, having a neutral third party to talk to can be incredibly helpful.

If you’re struggling with any aspect of your sexual health (including gender identity, body image, peer pressure to have sex, domestic abuse, or a sexual assault), talking to a mental health professional can help you navigate your struggles so you can feel better—mentally and physically. Your college most likely has mental health services or a counseling center available, even if you don’t live on campus. If the counseling center is booked, you can ask a rep if there are other services available in your immediate area or how to access a telehealth provider.

8. Finally, make some friends you don’t want to sleep with.

You may be revved up and ready to have all your sexual fantasies fulfilled during your college years, but the most important relationships you form on campus may end up being platonic. Both Dr. Lincoln and Dr. Mark say that building a community of friends is a form of sexual self-care.

Dr. Phillips recommends joining several on-campus groups or organizations if you’re having trouble finding your people. And Dr. Mark suggests talking about your specific sexual boundaries, expectations, and anxieties with your pals when no one is under the influence of any substance. That way, you’ll have someone who can check in with you if you’re, say, tipsy at a party and hanging out with an ex you insisted you didn’t want to hook up with.

Finally, have patience with yourself if there’s a bit of a learning curve while you figure all this sexual-health stuff out. As Dr. Mark points out, all major life transitions are hard, and becoming independent—sexually and otherwise—as a college student is a big one.

Complete Article HERE!

What is Shibari or Kinbaku?

— Everything you need to know about BDSM rope play.

Shibari is an art form with a rich history, and a fun, experimental present.

By Beth Ashley

The Discovery+ true crime series House of Hammer, detailing the allegations surrounding Call Me By Your Name actor Armie Hammer, has raised a lot of questions about Shibari and Kinbaku, BDSM, kink, and ethics. The series, which opens with Hammer (who has denied these allegations) detailing his love of Japanese rope bondage, has also made some monumental mishaps in explaining how certain kinks and scenes within the BDSM community actually work. The series doesn’t ever address what these kinks actually are, or their important connection to Japan’s history and culture. Disappointed but not surprised.

Viewers of House of Hammer will understandably have questions about Shibari and Kinbaku, but those shouldn’t be answered by someone accused of committing acts of sexual violence. There are dangerous implications with allowing Hammer, an alleged abuser, to define and discuss any form of BDSM — and to conflate consensual sexual practice with abuse
“Members of the BDSM community are already frequently let down, misinterpreted, and inaccurately portrayed in the media.” Members of the BDSM community are already frequently let down, misinterpreted, stigmatised, and inaccurately portrayed in the media, with many speaking out against titles like Bonding, How to Build a Sex Room, and Fifty Shades of Grey for tying problematic ideas to kink.

In reality, the BDSM community centres play of any kind around consent, respect and communication. And that’s especially true with Shibari.

What is Shibari?

Shibari, sometimes called Japanese rope bondage or “kinbaku” is a modern form of rope bondage which originated in Japan. The term “shibari” means “tying” and “kinbaku” means “tight binding.” The two are used interchangeably, and refer to the same type of play. Put simply, Shibari involves tying someone up with ropes. Sometimes this involves sex, with couples tying each other into certain positions and sometimes the fun is just about the tying itself. But historically, it’s been used as a form of meditation, relaxation, and trust-building practice between two people.

Sexologist Midori, author of Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage and founder of Planet Midori, tells Mashable: “It originated as an underground form of culturally specific erotic fantasy play, enjoyed by ordinary people, which centers on erotic nostalgia.”

She explains that the practice is embedded in Japan’s ancient history. “In the same way that kinky people of European heritage have incorporated shackles into their sex, based on historic captivity measures, Japanese folks found inspiration in captured maidens.” Only, in Japan’s history, the restraint of choice was rope.

But today, Japan, Shibari is enjoyed by consenting adults in their private sex lives, as well as stage performances in kink-themed bars, and of course in porn. And it’s catching on in the West too, with kink and fetish clubs in the United Kingdom and mainland Europe embracing Shibari in play. It’s even got a thriving TikTok community.

Why are people into Shibari?

Midori explains that she personally loves Shibari because it’s so flexible, both literally and figuratively. “Shibari fits all bodies, and [the rope] can be woven into the process of creating a vast range of scenes and moods. It’s adaptive as you can adjust and change it to suit all body types, physical conditions, and experience levels. You don’t need to be flexible to enjoy shibari – you just need to be clear about what works and doesn’t work for your body on that day,” she tells Mashable.

Marika Leila Roux, co-founder and creative director of Shibari Study, who offer Shibari classes, says “Shibari is a way of communicating through rope and that makes it magical. It’s not just about memorising certain patterns or knots; instead, shibari allows you to use things like how you handle your rope and different ways of using speed, tension and tempo to create different sensations and even emotions for your partner (or yourself).” She says that using rope in a way that’s playful, sensual, tender and a little challenging can help us examine our needs, desires and intentions as well as those of our partners.

How do I get started with Shibari?

Shibari isn’t something you can jump into head first without doing some required reading, learning and pre-sex communication first. It does literally involve rope after all, so safety is an important consideration.

Marika explains that the most important thing to learn when getting started is general safety, which is why Shibari Study offers a safety course for free. So, Shibari newbies, it’s time to crack out the books and maybe take a class or two. Marika says you should “invest serious effort into grasping the basic techniques. No one is going to master Shibari overnight, nor should they try to. I always recommend a ‘low and slow’ integration method.”

Thorough communication about wants, desires, boundaries and what you’re looking to get out of Shibari with any potential partners are also crucial before, during and after every Shibari session.

“There will always be some sort of risk when playing with ropes,” Marika notes, “but as long as you do your research and communicate clearly with your partners, you should be able to mitigate these risks and create a fun and enriching experience. Take the time to establish and update your own personal risk profile — an evaluation of an individual’s willingness and ability to take risks and what they are comfortable with and be transparent with whoever you are tying with,” she adds.

Midori says that in terms of equipment, beginners should start with cotton rope as it’s softer on the skin and it’s easier to clean up. “Start with shorter ropes, as they’re easier to handle. Super long ropes can get tangled up, be hard to handle, and just increase frustrations for the person tying and boredom for the person waiting to be tied.”

Close up on a red soft ball of rope, used in the Japanese erotic arts of kinbaku, sinju and shibari, on black silk

“Always have a set of safety scissors nearby when playing too,” she adds. “Sometimes knots simply get too tight to undo easily, or the person being tied up might want to get out quickly.”

She also recommends steering steadily into the world of complicated positions. While you’re still a beginner, and certainly during your first time, don’t try anything too crazy. “Start with your most favourite sex position, and try to tie your partner, or have them tie you, into that shape,” she says. She recommends starting with an easy, gentle placement too. “Tie the right wrist to the right thigh and the left wrist to the left thigh. If the partner is a bit more flexible, try wrists to ankles.” But don’t do anything too complicated on the first go, and don’t tie near the neck and head so the person being restrained can still breathe.

Is it cultural appropriation to do Shibari if I’m not Japanese?

Midori explains that, outside of Japan, in the past decade or so, Shibari has gone viral. With that increase in popularity, came some criticism of Westernised interpretations of the craft, along with “particular narratives about Shibari’s history.”

“Shibari is a noble and complex art form, passed down from the samurai, taught today from master to acolyte,” Midori explains. “Others claim that Shibari is a respected art form and spiritual practice in Japan. These narratives, however, are unfortunately deeply problematic as they are another form of ‘othering’, Orientalism, and out-of-context cultural appropriation.”

“For people who don’t buy into those problematic narratives today, they can enjoy Shibari as part of their own variation of kinky bondage play,” she assures. “Is Shibari a spiritual practice in Japan? No. Might some Shibari lovers in Japan and the rest of the world find moments of emotional catharsis in Shibari? Sure. Do some of these folks make it their own form of spiritual exploration? Yes.” But she stresses that this isn’t unique to Shibari. It’s been so for people who enjoy other forms of kink, such as leather bondage, flogging, ordeal play, and dominance and submission — to name a few.

“Shibari is about consensually tying each other up for fun and sexual pleasure.” She also adds that the social media side of Shibari can purposely make Shibari ropes look overly complex, but if it suits you, Shibari beginners are welcome to tie whatever ropes they can manage, and giggle their way through the process. It doesn’t have to be a serious situation. “You don’t have to study and master complex forms that might not even be healthy for you or your partner’s body. A few basic ties and maybe a simple body harness [which you can learn from coaches online or in a beginner’s Shibari class] is fine, good, and hot for most people.”

Ultimately, Shibari is about consensually tying each other up for fun and sexual pleasure. “It shouldn’t be intimidating or aggravating,” she says.

Despite certain documentaries and their perception of play, people who play with Shibari centre their experiences around communication, respect and consent, be it about BDSM or the rope work alone. It should go without saying, but Shibari should never be used to abuse someone. Though it’s derived from images of captivity, the practice is a far cry from this. Shibari is an art form with a rich history, and a fun, experimental present. If you want to be a part of it, seek out a qualified coach to show you the ropes, a trusted partner, and let out your spicy side.

Complete Article HERE!

Top 5 NSFW sites to learn what porn didn’t teach you

From literal “eduporn” to scientifically-backed demonstrations.

By Mashable SEA

In the United States, sex education is pretty poor; some states don’t require it at all. Because of this, porn often replaces proper sex education — which is a disservice to everyone.

Porn is a filmed performance. Everyone is positioned so all is on display, so sexual acts often look different than they do in real life (cunnilingus is just one example — givers don’t stick their entire tongue out IRL!). Most of the time, porn doesn’t show the intimacy, variety, and awkwardness that real sex has.

If you’re an adult and feel like your bedroom knowledge is lacking, you’re not alone — and there are resources tailor-made for you. They happen to be NSFW in that they show naked bodies and talk about sexy topics, but they’re not exactly what you’d find on Pornhub, either. Here are five NSFW sites to teach you what porn didn’t.

1. Eduporn by Afterglow

Cost: US$2.99 for a day, US$9.99/month, or US$69 for a year (US$5.75/month)

Who’s it for: People who want to watch porn and learn

Women-owned ethical porn site Afterglow has a series within the site called Eduporn. As the title may suggest, it’s the most porn-like of this list and incorporates explicit scenes along with tips. Your teachers are adult performers themselves, so they entertain as well as educate.

There are various “how to” eduporns to choose from on Afterglow, like how to have sex when you have a disability and how to have sex outdoors. It’s less technical than the subsequent options, but these go into practical tips on exploring sex. There are also some basics, such as “how to hook up” and “how to have sex with a woman.”

For those interested, Afterglow has straight-up porn options as well; the price includes the whole site, not just Eduporn.

2. Beducated

Cost: US$24.99/month if billed monthly, US$16.67/month or US$199.99 if billed annually

Who’s it for: People who want an extensive menu of sexy topics to dig into

Beducated is like a Coursera for sex; there’s a wide range of modules that dive deep into topics, not single videos. When you sign up, you list your sexual interests (and what you don’t want to see, which is a nice touch) and your demographics (age, sexuality, and relationship status). From there, you can explore sections like recommended for you, most popular, and based on interests you picked when signing up.

Beducated has modules for all types of activities, from learning basic sexual acts like cunnilingus and fellatio, to education on emotional wellbeing like how to navigate non-monogamy, to more advanced teachings like around kink and BDSM.

3. Climax

Cost: US$29 to US$227

Who’s it for: People who want researched approaches to sex and tantra

Climax is a video-based platform that breaks down vulva pleasure techniques based on scientific research. Climax pulled together insights from 74 sexual health and pleasure studies for their first two seasons, on external and internal pleasure respectively. Climax also conducted a survey of around 100 cis women and interviewed sex therapists and tantra teachers. The latter is especially helpful for their third season, all about tantra exercises.

Each season is a series of videos with different pleasure techniques. While not very porn-y, you do see a lot of vulva. For the scientifically inclined, Climax regularly includes statistics from their third-party research and surveys.

4. OMGYES

Cost: from US$49 to US$119

Who’s it for: People who want a scientific approach to learning about pleasuring vulvas

In partnership with Indiana University and the Kinsey Institute, OMGYES conducted a large-scale study — a staggering 20,000 women, ages 18 to 95 — to understand specific techniques that are pleasurable to vulvas. These techniques are distilled into three seasons (as of this publication): essentials, inner pleasure, and toy techniques. Within each season are a breakdown of pleasure techniques, with SFW explainer and NSFW demonstration videos and written descriptions. For many of these techniques, there are also research statistics and illustrated diagrams, and sometimes even video stimulations that you can “pleasure” with your computer mouse.

OMGYES has given me names for techniques I myself enjoy, and proves that I’m not alone in techniques. You will see lots of vulvas and breasts, but OMGYES is pretty scientific in nature.

5. Kenneth Play’s Sex Hacker Pro Course

Cost: US$247

Who’s it for: Straight cis-men or anyone who wants to learn more about vulvas and “sex hacking”

Kenneth Play is a sex educator and “hacker” whose expertise has been cited in Mashable. Sex Hacker Pro has the highest price point of this list and very much geared towards straight cis men learning about how to please their cis women partners. The beginning of the course, for example, goes over vulva anatomy and orgasms. Even if you’re not cishetero, though, there’s plenty of great information here beyond the basics like the neuroscience of sex and how mindfulness plays a part as well.

Play takes a no-nonsense approach when going over the fundamentals and delving into pleasure “hacks” like tantra and kink. Play himself and various partners demonstrate these sex moves like oral, anal, and squirting.

If you want to brush up on or improve your skills in the bedroom, try these sites instead of Pornhub.

Complete Article HERE!

What is BDSM?

Your Queer Guide to Kink, Domination, Bondage, and More

Queer sex experts answer your most commonly asked questions about BDSM.

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Okay, first things first: BDSM is hot, and I’m not the only one who thinks so. Just look at the latex, leather, and chain outfits featured in Fashion Week collections earlier this year. BDSM has long had an aesthetic influence on fashion and pop culture, and while you might think of it as a niche set of sexual practices, it’s a more common fantasy than you might think.

For those unfamiliar with the term, BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. But it goes far beyond those acts, and more broadly stands as an umbrella term for a wide array of sexual behaviors, play, and relationships that center on power and control.

“It involves playing around with and often subverting power dynamics,” sex educator and pro-domme Goddexx Haru tells Them. “It’s consensual, meaning all parties understand what they’re getting into and communicate throughout to make sure that everyone feels okay during and after a scene.”

As with all umbrella terms, BDSM is open-ended and ever-evolving. It can include a variety of acts and behaviors, from pain play to bondage to humiliation, and has expanded to capture the multiplicity of ways that consenting adults explore power dynamics. People may also engage in more immersive forms of play like lifestyle BDSM, a practice in which people integrate kink into their daily life from small things like being expected to clean the house for their dom(me) to wearing a leash and being walked around the block by their dom(me). 

Have you ever fantasized about having your partner tie you up or smack your butt during sex? Maybe you’ve thought more than once about telling your partner what to do, inside and outside of the bedroom. If so, certain aspects of BDSM may be right up your alley. However, you may still have concerns before diving into the world of kink. 

Read on for answers to the most common questions people have about BDSM: What does BDSM stand for? What types of BDSM are there? How do I set boundaries before getting started? What is a safeword? Is BDSM Queer? And how do I get started?

What does BDSM stand for?

BDSM is an initialism of Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism. For those unfamiliar, here is what these terms roughly mean:

Bondage: The most well-known kind of bondage is being tied up by or tying up a partner with handcuffs, ropes, tape, or other materials, such as belts. Other forms of bondage include using restraints like latex masks, ball gags, genital cages, and other equipment. The act of binding your partner or being bound during play are ways to experiment with power dynamics and trust.

Discipline: In the context of sex, discipline involves one person conditioning another person to behave to their liking through rewards and punishment. This look like many acts, such as slapping a sub for moaning or making noise during sex to pleasuring a sub for begging for a specific sexual act.

Domination: Acts through which a dominant, or dom(me) for short, controls their submissive, or sub. Domination can include inflicting pain, using verbal insults, and other forms of conditioning. This can look like a dom(me) hitting a sub, using tools like floggers, and demeaning them.

Submission: Submission refers to acts wherein a submissive succumbs to the will of their dom(me). Subs may show their dominant they’re in control by verbally affirming their dom(me), pleasuring their dom(me) by doing sexual acts they enjoy, or allowing their dom(me) to inflict pain on them.

Sadism: Sadism is when one experiences sexual pleasure by inflicting physical pain or humiliating another person. For example, a dom(me) may get off on hitting their partner or inflicting other forms of physical pain on them through biting, cutting, or whipping.

Masochism: Masochism is when one feels sexual pleasure from being subjected to pain or experiencing humiliation. Subs may experience sexual gratification from being hit or bound by their dom(me) or being insulted and degraded.

These are phrases that describe interpersonal dynamics between consenting parties; some people prefer to be in control (dominating others), while others may prefer to give control to others (being submissive).

How BDSM looks in practice depends on the wants, needs, and comforts of all involved. Some people choose to engage in bondage only, while some hate the feeling of restraint but want to explore impact play. Some others might hate pain but love the feeling of losing control. BDSM is a spectrum that everyone can interact with in their own way, whether privately at home with their partners, at kink clubs, or with professional dom(me)s, making the possibilities endless and exciting.

“To me, BDSM is an umbrella term for many different kinks, dynamics, fetishes, etc,” Carly S., a pleasure educator for Spectrum Boutique, tells Them. “Having my own kinks outside of vanilla sex brought me to the scene. It’s also really empowering to find a community of like-minded perverts. You can much more easily find play partners, friends, or more when you find the part of the community you vibe with the most.”

What types of BDSM are there?

Illustration of a mustachioed person applying mascara.
People often assume I’m uber-masculine just because I’m a Dom. There’s way more to me underneath the leather.

Having read this far, you can see why this is a difficult question to answer. While the initialism of BDSM stands for certain words, the umbrella nature of the community extends to cover such a vast ground of kink and play that it would be impossible to list all the types.

“Oh, there’s too many ways to engage with BDSM to even count honestly,” Fucktoy Felix (link NSFW), a queer porn performer, tells Them. “Some people are more into the bondage. Some people are more into the discipline and control. Some people emphasize the dynamic between dominance and submission more, for others it’s all about pain play with sadism and masochism. A lot of people blend a lot of these. There’s also a lot of kink and fetish content that lies outside what most would consider ‘BDSM’ altogether.”

Basically, there are as many ways to play with BDSM as there are leaves under the sun. Some examples include:

Shibari: An artistic form of bondage that originated in Japan, consisting of a partner tying up their submissive with colorful ropes in intricate patterns.

Pain Play: Sex that involves intentional pain inflicted by a partner or yourself. This can include spanking, biting, hitting, and scratching, among other acts that involve tools like whips, floggers, and paddles.

Humiliation: Degrading a partner and attacking their self-worth through insults and sometimes psychological torture. It is often paired with physical aspects of BDSM such as bondage or pain play.

Lifestyle BDSM: The act of involving BDSM in your everyday life, not just your bedroom. Lifestyle BDSM can range from having a partner tell you how to dress and what to order at a restaurant to being locked in a kennel when your dom(me) is away.

Sometimes BDSM doesn’t even need to include sex or sexual activities. “Since BDSM is really an umbrella term for a lot of different kinks and fetishes, there are equally as many variations in how people play,” Carly says. “For example, some scenes might not involve sex at all, and others might be focused on sexual activities.”

Don’t let the stereotypical depictions of BDSM in films like 50 Shades of Gray deter you from thinking your particular interests aren’t part of the umbrella. “On film, I tend to do heavy bondage including suspensions, unusual forms of punishment such as waterboarding or more traditional corporal, etc. but there’s an extremely short list of people I trust to perform those kinds of acts with,” Charlotte Sartre, an adult performer and director for Kink.com, tells Them. “At home, I’m absolutely submissive to my current partner, but I’m not being hung by my ankles and electrocuted in my free time.”

How do I set boundaries before getting started? What are safewords?

As always, you should talk with whoever you are going to engage in BDSM with beforehand. Have a chat about your shared desires, your hard boundaries, boundaries you feel like you can push, and ways you would like to communicate during sex. That could include choosing a safeword to say if you need to stop sexual activities, or using something like the traffic light system, where you check in by saying “green” to go ahead, “yellow” to slow down on an act, and “red” to stop sex altogether.

“Safewords are a great way to set boundaries and have an easy way to communicate, especially if you are having difficulty expressing yourself in the moment,” Carly tells Them.

Also, it’s always good to do your research. Goddexx Haru suggests talking to your partner(s) about what you enjoy, what they enjoy, what you want to explore, and any boundaries you may have in regards to specific BDSM acts like bondage or humiliation.

“Set boundaries to make sure no one is ever doing something they don’t want to be doing,” Goddex Haru tells Them. “I’d recommend doing some reading on BDSM or going to classes if you have any dungeons near you, especially if you’re interested in edgeplay, or play that’s a little riskier like knifeplay, erotic asphyxiation, or 24/7 power play.”

While not all people who engage in BDSM are queer and not all queer and trans people engage in BDSM, the two communities have historically overlapped in significant ways. For example, men’s leather bars and communities — which many consider to be under the umbrella of BDSM — became important havens for LGBTQ+ people in the 1940s and beyond. The intertwined nature of kink and LGBTQ+ communities continues to be a debate to this day, as discourse about whether or not kinksters belong at Pride emerges every June like clockwork.

A group of men dressed in leather fetish clothing ride in a truck at the intersection of 32nd Street and Fifth Avenue during the annual Gay Pride parade in New York City, c. 1980.
Let’s celebrate the contributions the kink and BDSM communities have made towards LGBTQ+ liberation.

So the answer is no, not all BDSM is queer. However, because BDSM dynamics are viewed as a non-normative relationship to sex, its roots alongside and within the LGBTQ+ rights movement run deep.

Goddexx Haru recommends reading Ties that Bind by Guy Baldwin M.S. to anyone who wants to learn more about the history of BDSM in the LGBTQ+ community and issues specific to queerness and BDSM.

How do I get started with BDSM play?

Research is always always a great place to start. Figure out what you want out of BDSM, figure out how to express those wants, whether to a partner you already have in mind or to a new person, and see if there are any BDSM classes nearby. It’s incredibly important that you trust whoever you are engaging in BDSM with. Don’t be afraid to wait to explore further until you are comfortable.

“Do what feels natural, don’t be afraid to speak up and ask questions. And there is a wealth of information online, from books to classes,” Sartre recommends. “Attend local events to network with people. Try things with a trusted person but take as much time as you need to develop that trust.”

Figuring out what aspects of BDSM you like and which you would rather avoid is crucial to having a good time and feeling comfortable and safe. An important part of understanding what you like is also tapping into why you want to engage in BDSM in the first place. Like the wide spectrum of sexual acts and dynamics that BDSM encompasses, there are an array of reasons why people engage in them, and figuring out what’s driving you to explore BDSM can help you understand what you hope to get out of it.

“Many of my clients use BDSM as a way to have sex that feels safe after experiencing sexual trauma, as a way to take back control over the situation,” Goddexx Haru says. “I also especially enjoy genderplay — playing around with different gendered labels and expressions during sex can be a really powerful way to explore your gender and sexuality. As a trans person, I find that playing around with the gendered ways I refer to my body and self can feel like a way to take back control and autonomy over my body and the ways that the world tries to label it.”

Ultimately, BDSM can help you tap into another part of your identity, help you be more present during sex, or just have a fun time. Engage with BDSM on your own level. Build up your comfort with other partners, or work with a professional dom(me) or sub if you want someone with more experience. It’s an expansive subculture that allows you the freedom to relate to it however you wish.

Complete Article HERE!

After Roe, teens are teaching themselves sex ed, because the adults won’t

From left: Alyson Nordstrom, Lily Swain, Emma Rose Smith and Paige Buckley, all 17, formed a group called Teens For Reproductive Rights in Tennessee in response to Roe’s fall.

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Sweating in the sun, two dozen teenagers spread themselves across picnic blankets in a grassy park and prepared to discuss the facts of life they never learned in school.

Behind them on a folding table, bouquets of pamphlets offered information teachers at school would never share — on the difference between medical and surgical abortions, and how to get them. Beside the pamphlets sat items adults at school would never give: pregnancy tests and six-packs of My Way Emergency Contraceptive.

Emma Rose Smith, 17, rose from the blankets, tucked her pale-blonde hair behind her ears and turned off the music on a small, black speaker. She faced the assembled high-schoolers, all members of her newfound group, Teens for Reproductive Rights, and began talking about the nonprofit Abortion Care Tennessee. Her words hitched at first, then tumbled in a rush.

“A little bit about them,” Emma Rose said, “is they’re an organization that funds people’s abortions if they can’t afford it. Also, by the way, there’s another organization that we can also talk about later, when we give you guys, like, resources, that actually does free mail-in abortion pills.”

Twelve days after the teens’ picnic, abortion would become illegal in Tennessee, a measure made possible by the Supreme Court’s June decision, in Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization, overturning Roe v. Wade. The students wouldn’t hear anything about it in school: State law does not require sex education, and it holds that schools in areas with high pregnancy rates must offer “family life education” focused on abstinence.

Listen to the Tennessee teens describe their experiences of sex education.

Post-Roe, the teens in the park had decided, this lack of education was no longer acceptable. They are part of a burgeoning movement of high-schoolers nationwide who, after Roe’s fall, are stepping up to demand more comprehensive lessons on reproduction, contraception and abortion — and who, if the adults refuse, are teaching each other instead.

In Utah, high-schoolers rallied outside a courthouse in May to call for accurate education on sex and abortion. In Texas, a group of teens held a virtual protest on the gaming website Minecraft to urge the state to start giving middle-schoolers lessons on birth control. Over the summer, that group — Fort Bend Students United for Reproductive Freedom — began sharing mini-sex-education lessons to its Instagram account for the benefit of peers; recent posts include “Endometrial Ablation,” “Pap smears” and “WHAT IS PCOS?” (polycystic ovary syndrome).

And in Virginia, 15-year-old Rivka Vizcardo-Lichter is organizing demonstrations outside school board meetings to pressure the Fairfax County district to offer students information about reproductive health clinics, more detailed lessons on contraceptive methods other than abstinence (it already includes the basics, but she wants more) — and access to contraception.

“Teenagers are teenagers, and some teenagers are going to have sex,” she said. “They need to be educated on how to protect themselves from unwanted pregnancies and STIs [sexually transmitted infections] and sexual risk — especially if we’re removing the right to … choose whether or not you’re having a baby.”

Twenty-nine states and the District of Columbia require that students receive sex education at school, according to a tracker maintained by the nonprofit Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States (SIECUS). Thirty states demand that schools emphasize the importance of abstinence, and 16 states mandate “abstinence-only” sex education.

What students actually learn in the classroom varies by district and even by teacher, said Laura Lindberg, a public health professor at Rutgers University who has studied sex education in the United States for three decades. But it is often “too little too late,” she said. Her research suggests that less than half of U.S. teens receive instruction on where to get birth control before having sex for the first time, and she noted that the teen birthrate in the United States — 16.7 births per 1,000 females in 2019 — is consistently among the highest in the developed world, though it has been declining in recent years.

In the Tennessee park, Emma Rose scrolled her thumb down her phone screen, squinting at the glare, to read off details of upcoming advocacy: An outdoor concert to raise money for pro-abortion groups. A protest at the Tennessee Capitol on the day the state’s abortion ban takes effect.

Then she shared how she and the group’s three co-founders, Alyson Nordstrom, Lily Swain and Paige Buckley, all 17, see the future.

“We want to start getting groups structured in different parts of Tennessee,” Emma Rose said. Each spin-off chapter would be located at a different high school throughout the state.

Then those teens, too, could start teaching each other.

‘Alone and ignorant’

In some parts of the country, teens teaching teens sex ed is not a new idea.

That includes Park City, Utah, where Carly McAleer started high school four years ago having received a sex education that “basically amounted to scaring students with really grotesque photos” of sexually transmitted infections. Utah law requires sex education in all schools but prohibits “the advocacy or encouragement of the use of contraceptive methods or devices,” instead mandating that schools “stress the importance of abstinence.”

By sophomore year, Carly, who is now 18 and uses they/them pronouns, began searching for a way to become better informed — and discovered the Planned Parenthood Teen Council program. The initiative, begun in 1989 in Washington state, trains teens to teach other schoolchildren sex education, then partners with willing private schools, school districts or community groups to host peer-led lessons on topics ranging from consent to contraception, depending on state law and school policy. Since its founding, it has expanded to 15 states, and last year 300 teens volunteered on 31 councils, according to Nadya Santiago Schober of Planned Parenthood.

Carly applied, was accepted their junior year, and was soon walking into middle-school classrooms — feeling more than a bit nervous — to lead classes on STIs and healthy relationships. Carly found that most students, starved for information, were intensely curious.

And Carly came to love moments that demonstrated the difference they were making — for example when they asked students what kind of lubricant is okay to use with condoms, “the room went silent, and so I told them a silicone-based or water-based lubricant.”

The end of Roe appears to have driven more interest in the Teen Council program, which is poised to expand, Santiago Schober said: “We are seeing an increase in the size of our groups for the year ahead.” In Utah, said L-E Baldwin, a community health educator with that state’s Planned Parenthood chapter, “we have had interest from rural parts of the state in ways we have not previously.”

Lindberg, the Rutgers professor, said the upsurge in young people advocating for comprehensive sex education is admirable, if unsurprising in a generation known for its activism on climate change, gun control and reading freedom. She cautioned that it is important would-be student-teachers pick out correct information from the plethora of misinformation available online.

“Young people can now access information in places that a generation ago weren’t an option, whether that’s a YouTube video or a Tik Tok or something on Instagram,” she said. “But they have to be careful.”

And, she warned, anyone pushing for more sex education will face stiff opposition from mostly conservative parents and lawmakers who argue that it is inappropriate and will lead students to become promiscuous — despite a large body of research that shows providing sexual health information and services to students is not linked with increased sexual activity, and the fact that a majority of American adults across political lines support sex education in schools.

Since the 1980s, when sex education became widespread in America as a means to fight HIV infection, conservatives and the religious right have steadily chipped away at the availability of sex ed nationwide, Lindberg said. And they’re especially fired up now, post-Roe and amid raging education culture wars that have delivered new laws restricting what teachers can say about race, racism, sexuality, gender identity and LGBTQ issues. As Charles Herbster, an unsuccessful gubernatorial candidate in Nebraska, put it at a rally alongside former president Donald Trump in May: “We’re going to take sex education out of the schools and put it back in the homes where it belongs.” (Herbster did not answer requests for comment

An ascendant parents’ rights movement is also working to limit what students learn in school about sex — partly through measures that increase parental control over students’ in-class reading choices and outlaw sexually explicit texts. Tiffany Justice, co-founder of the national parent group Moms for Liberty, said in an interview that “comprehensive sex ed has no place in school.” She said school districts everywhere should convene groups of parents to determine what is “age appropriate” for children to learn.

She had a message for students advocating around sex ed: “The teenagers are being pushed by activist organizations, whose purpose is making children politically literate rather than actually literate so they can become social justice warriors. That’s what the union is trying to do,” she said, referring to teachers organizations, which Justice said are pushing communist doctrine on America’s children.

In Virginia, Republican Gov. Glenn Youngkin — who won his office by campaigning on education issues — this spring signed a law that requires school districts to notify parents whenever sexually explicit material is included in lessons, and to offer students non-explicit alternatives if parents request them.

Rivka, the Fairfax County teen, believes this law imperils students’ access to sex education. She is all the more determined to persuade her school district to expand its sex-ed curriculum by teaching about more contraceptive options and reproductive health clinics, as well as offering students free contraception. Her sex-ed experience was “abstinence 100” percent of the time, she said.

Fairfax sex ed comprises “an abstinence-based … curriculum, meaning that both abstinence and contraception are included in instruction,” district spokeswoman Julie Moult said in a statement. “Contraception is included in instruction in grades 8-12,” she added, pointing to teachings about “barrier, hormonal, and surgical contraceptive methods,” including condoms. Parents can remove their children from the program if they wish.

Moult said the district mentions Planned Parenthood as a resource for “students experiencing unintended pregnancy” in 10th grade. But she said “inclusion of reproductive health clinics could be considered” by school officials in the future.

Moult previously told The Washington Post that giving students access to contraception would be “outside the scope and purpose” of sex ed. The Fairfax County School Board this spring voted to delay a series of proposed changes that would have expanded the topics covered in sex ed and ended gender segregation in some classes, an idea Rivka supports.

“We have millions of men who don’t know how a period works,” Rivka said, recalling conversations with male friends who were clueless about things like tampons and pads. “Teens are just going out into these waters alone and ignorant.”

Teens wonder: Could we do better?

In Tennessee, Alyson Nordstrom had never so much as joined a march when Roe came under threat

But on May 3, feeling the angriest she had ever been, she tapped out an Instagram message to Emma Rose Smith, who had helped organize a 10,000-strong protest after the killing of George Floyd: “I don’t know if you saw the leaking of the Roe v Wade draft opinion from the Supreme Court but me and some of my friends [are] wanting to put together something in protest of that … I was wondering if you wanted to work together.”

Emma Rose responded: “I would love too!”

The girls each brought in their friends, Lily Swain and Paige Buckley, and Teens for Reproductive Rights was born — although they didn’t finalize the name until a coffee-shop confab, when they also created an Instagram profile. Their first event was a May 7 march in Nashville Public Square Park for abortion rights; their second, a music concert in late July that raised $5,000 for Abortion Care Tennessee.

At that point, the girls started to rethink what they might accomplish. The foursome had initially thought the group was “a one-time thing,” Lily said, “but then we started hanging out and getting to know each other.” Soon, their minds turned to sex education.

Alyson, who wants to become a lawyer, recalled the lessons she sat through: “It was just, like, ‘Don’t have sex,’ [and] the guys goofed off the whole time.” Emma Rose, who wants to major in English and political science, had similar memories: “In fifth grade, they just said your boobs might grow and you might get your period. … In ninth-grade, they showed pictures of STDs [and] said this is what you’re going to get if you have sex.” Paige remembered the teacher letting the boys go to the playground while the girls learned about periods. And Lily, an Irish history buff, said what stuck out most was that her sex-ed teachers clearly didn’t want to answer any questions.

That fits with Tennessee law, where sex education cannot include instruction that encourages students to engage in “non-abstinent behavior,” and teachers could face a $500 fine if they fail to comply.

The four teens began to wonder: Could we do better?

The two-hour picnic on a superhot Saturday afternoon this month attended by about 30 students — mostly girls but a handful of boys, too was a trial run. The girls spoke briefly about issues they want to cover more later, including the implications of new state antiabortion laws. But a lot of the conversation was loose, just teens talking.

“It’s like you’re going back in time,” one girl said of Roe’s end.

“I think my concern is bringing more kids into this world,” said another. “The foster-care system is terrible.”

A boy recounted a recent chat with his devoutly Christian mother and shared advice for approaching antiabortion family members: “It can be scary. But it’s definitely worth talking with people about.”

Much of the afternoon had the vibe of a hangout, with boxes of pizza and gentle music. The teens played games of Ninja and Zap. A boy who rode up on a bike, training for his high school cycling team, offered to wear a Teens for Reproductive Rights sticker on his racing helmet.

As the clock inched to 5 p.m., Alyson sought everyone’s attention one more time. She had homework to assign.

“There’s a documentary on Netflix,” she said, raising her voice. “It’s called ‘Reversing Roe.’ It talks about, literally from early 1900s to recent — I think it came out right before the actual reversing.” She added that the film traces how abortion “became politicized, which it wasn’t originally at all.”

Teens sprawled on blankets bent their heads over phones and pamphlets to take down the name.

Complete Article HERE!