Too Stressed Out To Have Sex?

Do These 3 Things

By Myisha Battle

Anticipation is part of the reason why sex is so hot at the beginning of relationships

Inevitably, having sex becomes a part of most romantic relationships but, sometimes, there is a hindrance that couples can’t always stop from happening: stress.

A new client recently began our session with “I’m just not that into sex anymore. It’s not that I don’t think about it, I just don’t have the same kind of drive for sex that I used to have.”

Lack of interest in sexual intercourse is one of the most common concerns I see as a sex coach. It affects all kinds of people of all relationship statuses, but its roots can be found in similar areas.

Single men and women come to me explaining that they don’t think about themselves sexually and they feel out of touch with their own sexual energy.

Couples tend to come to me after dating for some time and feel that the sex they have now isn’t as fulfilling as the sex they had at the beginning of their relationship.

But, why are they feeling less into sex?

  • Stressed out singles

Today, the average person is busier and more consumed by distraction than ever before. Most of us work long hours, maintain busy social calendars and have numerous commitments to family and friends.

To stay on top of everything, the average person checks their cell phone approximately 80 times a day. Why should this matter when it comes to our desire for sex? Because we don’t have an endless supply of energy.

If the energy we do have is used to accomplish things outside of ourselves all the time, it can’t be used to connect to our deepest needs if it’s been depleted.

In my experience, this is the number one reason why people can go weeks or months without even checking in with themselves about their sexual needs.

On top of energy depletion, we are also tapped into what feels like an endless supply of potential sexual partners through online dating sites and apps.

Dating can be another stressor when you’re single. It can be fun, for sure! But there’s a lot that goes into finding a match, sparking up a conversation, and moving that conversation into real life.

Some single folks are so burned out by the process that online interactions are all these relationships end up being, which is fine if you’re a digisexual, but most of us are looking for in-person sexual experiences.

  • Long-term loving couples

Some married couples or couples in a relationship are concerned that they’re not having enough sex. This might be a legitimate issue if they’ve seen a dramatic drop in frequency or quality — or the concern may be rooted in the myth that the sex you have at the beginning of a relationship will continue to be the sex you have for the duration of your relationship.

In general, there is a natural bend towards less frequent and less explosive sex as a relationship develops over time. On average, most long-term couples have sex about once a week. Knowing these two facts can sometimes alleviate any concerns the couple might be having.

Couples are not immune to stress as individuals or as a unit, so some of the stressors mentioned previously for single people apply to couples as well.

Couples also have sources of unique stressors including but not limited to shared household and financial responsibilities, childcare, managing in-law relationships, finding time for individual pursuits and making sure that the overall health of the relationship is good. This is a lot of unsexy stuff that’s all part of a loving relationship.

If any of the above sounds familiar, then there are ways to help you tap back into your sexual connection with yourself and your partners.

Ask yourself, “What kind of sex life do I want?”

Answering this question is a worthwhile activity for anyone regardless of their relationship status.

Being single might mean that your sexual life is deprioritized because of your busy life, but it’s a good idea to take a few minutes to think about what kind of sex and sensual experiences you would like to have as part of your life. This can give you some clarity about what to work towards.

If you are partnered, do this activity separately and then share your results. There may be some things on your partner’s list that will surprise you and will even make your marriage better than ever!

So if stress has made you less interested in sex, here are 3 ways to fix that.

1. Respect your need for pleasure

Many clients tell me that they think about sex regularly, but that they don’t allow themselves to engage in fantasies.

Your body has natural sexual rhythms, and it will communicate to you what it wants. Your job is to listen to it. Of course, you do not have to indulge in every fantasy that pops into your brain, but take note of when you’re having fantasies and rather than pushing those thoughts away allow yourself to entertain them a little longer.

No one is going to know and you’ll benefit from maintaining your connection to your body’s need for sexual pleasure.

2. Find pleasure in everyday activities

When we’re stressed out and living in our head, we forget to use all of our senses, which are crucial for tapping into our sexuality. That’s why I encourage my clients to develop mindfulness as they move through the world.

This can start with the simple act of invoking all of your senses while enjoying your cup of coffee or tea first thing in the morning. Create time to hear the sound of the boiling water or coffee pot brewing, take in the sight of the liquid being poured into your cup, smell the aroma, feel the heat of the mug in your hand and notice the taste.

This is a classic mindfulness practice that can set the tone for your day and get you rooted in your body.

3. Put sex on the calendar

This may sound cheesy, but for some couples, putting sex on the calendar is a great tactic to build back that anticipation for sex that was there at the beginning of courtship.

Think about it this way: when you were dating you set up a time in the future to meet and you had all this time before the date to fantasize about how the night would go.

That anticipation is part of the reason why sex is so hot at the beginning of relationships, so building it back in is such a game-changer when couples need to recharge their sex life.

Single folks or individuals within a couple can benefit from calendaring in solo sex as well. I often recommend that busy folks put masturbation on their calendars. Think of it as part of your wellness routine or self-care.

A regular masturbation practice can help you maintain a healthy amount of sexual desire while also reducing stress. For these reasons, your sexual connection to yourself deserves a place on your calendar.

If you feel that you could use some help putting practices in place to re-connect to your sexual self, consider working with a sex and dating coach like myself.

Complete Article HERE!

Bisexuality Among Black Women Is On The Rise

By Tristan Bridges and Mignon R. Moore

Since 1972, social scientists have studied the General Social Survey to chart the complexities of social change in the United States.

The survey, which is conducted every couple years, asks respondents their attitudes on topics ranging from race relations to drug use. In 2008, the survey started including a question on sexual identity.

As sociologists who study sexuality, we’ve noticed how more and more women are reporting that they’re bisexual. But in the most recent survey, one subset stood out: 23% of Black women in the 18 to 34 age group identified as bisexual – a proportion that’s nearly three times higher than it was a decade ago.

What forces might be fueling this shift? And what can learn from it?

Bisexuality among women is on the rise

In the 10 years that the General Social Survey has included a question on sexual identity, rates of identification among gay men, lesbian women and bisexual men in the U.S. haven’t changed much.

Bisexual identifying women, on the other hand, account for virtually all of the growth among those who say they’re lesbian, gay or bisexual. Of all of the women who responded to the 2018 survey, more than 1 in 18 identified as bisexual. One decade ago, only 1 in 65 did.

Bisexuality among women is on the rise

In the 10 years that the General Social Survey has included a question on sexual identity, rates of identification among gay men, lesbian women and bisexual men in the U.S. haven’t changed much.

Bisexual identifying women, on the other hand, account for virtually all of the growth among those who say they’re lesbian, gay or bisexual. Of all of the women who responded to the 2018 survey, more than 1 in 18 identified as bisexual. One decade ago, only 1 in 65 did.

The most dramatic shift among bisexual identifying women is happening among young people. In the 2018 sample, more than 1 in 8 women from the ages of 18 to 34 identified as bisexual. There were more than twice as many young female bisexuals as there were young lesbians, gay men and bisexual men combined.

That’s a large shift – and it all happened in a relatively short period of time.

Add race to the figures and you’ll see that young Black women, in particular, account for a disproportionate share of this shift.

A few years ago, we wrote about how approximately 18% of young Black women identified as lesbian or bisexual in the 2016 General Social Survey sample. That rate was more than two times higher than for white women or other racial groups – and almost four times higher than for men of any racial group.

By 2018, more than 25% of young Black women identified as lesbian or bisexual. And the majority of that change can be accounted for by bisexual-identifying Black women.

In other trends, Black women also led the way

Data like these help us to establish a shift is occurring, but they don’t really explain why it’s happening.

Exploring the “why” requires different methods of analysis, and existing studies – like Mignon Moore’s research on gay identity and relationships among Black women – can provide some clues.

But beyond this, other demographic research shows that Black women have led the way in other trends related to gender.

Consider the gender gap in college attendance. As early as 1980, Black women began to outpace Black men in completion of a four-year college degree. It wasn’t until a decade later that white women started earning college degrees at a higher clip than white men.

And in the first half of the 20th century, more unmarried Black women started having children. Eventually, more unmarried white women started having children, too.

Perhaps when it comes to sexuality, Black women are also ahead of the curve. If that’s the case – and if this trend continues – we might expect women of other races to follow suit.

A shortage of men?

Cultural forces might also play a role.

Sociologists Emma Mishel, Paula England, Jessie Ford and Mónica L. Caudillo also analyzed the General Social Survey. Rather than study sexual identities, they studied sexual behavior. Yet they discovered a similar pattern: Young Black women were more likely to engage in same-sex sexual behavior than women and men in other racial and age groups.

They argue that these shifts speak to a larger truth about American culture: It’s more acceptable for women to spurn gender norms because femininity isn’t valued as highly as masculinity. Since masculinity and heterosexuality are closely intertwined, men might believe they’ll suffer a higher social cost for identifying as bisexual.

Others have pointed to the shortage of men hypothesis to explore young Black women’s decisions about relationships and marriage. This too might explain why young Black women, in particular, seem more willing to explore bisexuality.

According to this argument, fewer “marriageable” men create a need for women to consider options beyond heterosexual relationships or marriage. A traditional marriage isn’t as necessary as it once was; since women have more educational and economic opportunities, they can afford to be pickier or, possibly, to explore same-sex relationships.

Another aspect of the hypothesis involves the disproportionately high rates of incarceration of Black men in the U.S. It’s possible that because Black women are, as a group, more likely to live in areas with smaller “pools of marriageable men,” they’re more open to bisexuality.

We’re less convinced by the shortage of men argument because it ignores the fact that incarceration rates of Black men haven’t increased over the past decade. Yet over this period of time, the percentages of young Black women identifying as bisexual have grown substantially.

The challenge of surveying sexuality

Finding reliable ways of measuring sexual identity on surveys is more difficult than you might think, and the trend could have been spurred by something as simple as the way the question is phrased in the General Social Survey:

“Which of the following best describes you?”

  • gay, lesbian or homosexual
  • bisexual
  • heterosexual or straight
  • don’t know

Of the roughly 1,400 people who responded to this question on the 2018 GSS survey, only six responded “don’t know.” Another 27 didn’t respond at all.

But everyone else selected one of those three options.

Perhaps some respondents didn’t want to neatly tie themselves to the category of “gay” or “straight.” If this is the case, “bisexual” almost becomes a default fallback.

Either way, one thing seems clear: Young people – especially young Black women – are more willing to explore their sexuality. And the ways they are sexually identifying themselves on surveys is only one indicator of this change.

Complete Article HERE!

The Worst Thing About Sex For Nearly A Third of Women

by Kelly Gonsalves

If I asked you what the worst thing about having sex is, what would you say?

For nearly one out of three women, it’s body shame.

Sex toy company Lovehoney asked over 3,000 people this question. Men’s top concern about sex was when it was over too quickly. But for women, the most commonly reported worst thing about sex was feeling self-conscious—some 30% of women said this.

Why women feel so self-conscious during sex—and how it affects their pleasure.

“Our culture puts a lot of pressure on women to be attractive yet not too sexual—open and receptive to sexual experience but not too knowledgeable or demanding,” certified sex coach Myisha Battle, M.S., explains to mbg. “There is also societal pressure for women’s bodies to conform to an often unattainable standard of beauty. All of this (and sometimes more) contributes to why women feel self-conscious during sex.”

Past research has found body image to be a big roadblock to women’s sexual well-being: Studies have shown feeling bad about your body makes you less likely to advocate for your needs in bed, stand firm in your boundaries, and ask for safer sexual practices. On the other hand, feeling confident in your body—particularly your genitalia—has been linked with being less stressed over “performance” during sex and actually having an easier time getting turned on, lubricated, and having orgasms.

“It’s really challenging to believe in your sense of pleasure when you are constantly questioning whether or not you are living up to standards that the world imposes upon you,” Battle says. “When we don’t feel the best in our bodies, our sex lives can suffer. In my practice I see people who have difficulty with arousal and orgasm as a result of self-monitoring and overthinking. It’s actually very common. When our minds are racing with these thoughts, it can inhibit our ability to tap into physical sensations and dampen our experience of pleasure.”

How to get out of your head during sex.

1. The “M” word.

Yes, it’s about mindfulness—you can’t get away from it!

Mindfulness is deeply tied to sexual pleasure. No matter your gender, if you regularly find yourself feeling self-conscious and anxious about the way your body looks during sex, Battle recommends taking up a meditation or mindfulness practice to be able to monitor your thoughts and learn to release the negative ones.

“Notice when you’re having a self-critical thought. Keep a journal if it’s helpful. You may be surprised at how many times this happens,” she explains. “You can then try replacing each negative thought with a positive one. It takes time and sometimes a lot of effort to come up with something positive, but over time it can be really helpful for cultivating a positive self-image.”

(If you need some ideas for positive thoughts to repeat to yourself about your body, I love feminist life coach and women’s rights lawyer Kara Loewentheil, J.D.’s recommendations.)

2. Rally the troops.

Self-confidence stems from within, but that doesn’t mean the people in your life who love you can’t help you in that journey. Research shows people who talk about sex with their friends tend to have more sexual self-confidence and are more willing to ask for what they want in bed. And if you’re in a relationship, that partner of yours should be worshipping your body—and making it obvious. Another study found people who feel like their partner really appreciates their body are more sexually satisfied, have more desire and orgasms, and are more satisfied with their relationship overall.

3. Develop a body love ritual.

“I also recommend taking some time out of each day to practice body acceptance and self-love. Take a moment to thank your legs for getting you to work, your belly for digesting your food, your arms for helping you carry your groceries, and so on,” Battle says. “We only get one body in this world, and regardless of ability, age, size, or race, every body has the capacity for pleasure and is deserving of it.”

Complete Article HERE!

What do we really know about male desire?

Not much, according to Canadian sex researchers

Winnipeg relationships therapist Sarah Hunter Murray found a male desire that’s less voracious, indiscriminate and skin deep, and more emotionally complex – fragile, even.

By

Although sex researchers historically gave male subjects centre stage, they paid surprisingly little attention to how men actually desire. Today, contemporary sexologists say our cultural understanding of men’s sex drive remains simplistic and leans on old clichés – that male libido is always sky-high, self-centred and ready to go, with practically anyone. Men who aren’t this way are still treated as exceptions, not the rule.

Canadian researchers and clinicians are starting to push back on these ideas by asking deeper questions about the inner world of male desire. They’re looking at how heterosexual men lust (and don’t) within their relationships, what motivates them to have sex with their partners, what frustrates them in their intimate lives and how they process rejection from the women they love. What they’re finding counters much of what’s been previously assumed about men.

“We’ve got this stereotype about men’s desire being constant and unwavering. More recently, we’ve got #MeToo highlighting stories of men’s sexual desire being dangerous, toxic and about power. But what else is going on?” said Winnipeg relationships therapist Sarah Hunter Murray.

Murray interviewed nearly 300 men and spoke to hundreds more over a decade in her therapy practice – executives, truck drivers, athletes, teachers and dads among them. Their insights are included in Murray’s recent book, Not Always in The Mood: The New Science of Men, Sex, and Relationships, which offers a rare glimpse into a world we think we understand, but possibly don’t at all.

Notably absent from Murray’s book are the usual tales of raging male libido. One husband is too stressed out by the family business to think about sex. A boyfriend turns down his girlfriend’s advances for two months as he dwells on an unresolved argument. Another husband tells Murray his sexual interest piques when he and his wife talk late into the night. In her conversations with men, Murray found a male desire that’s less voracious, indiscriminate and skin deep, and more emotionally complex – fragile, even.

While Murray offers a strikingly new perspective on heterosexual male sex drive, other Canadian researchers are studying men’s sexual problems in long-term committed relationships. In Halifax, clinical psychologist Natalie Rosen is looking at why men experience low desire with their partners. At the University of Waterloo, PhD student Siobhan Sutherland is exploring male and female partners’ sexual complaints, which happen to be the same. And at the University of Kentucky, Canadian researcher Kristen Mark mines “sexual desire discrepancy” in couples, finding it’s sometimes wives and girlfriends who are more interested in sex than husbands and boyfriends – guys who find this scenario particularly troubling because of social expectations about the supposedly more carnal male gender.

Their emerging research suggests serious blind spots around male desire are harming relationships and holding couples back from broaching what they want in their intimate lives.

“If we ignore the nuances of sexual desire in men, we risk continuing to perpetuate stereotypes – that men’s sexual interest is uniformly high and independent of context – to the detriment of the many men whose experiences are multifaceted,” said Halifax’s Rosen. “In enhancing our understanding of men’s sexual desire, we can improve individual and couple sexuality and ultimately promote the quality of intimate relationships.”

The Globe spoke to researchers – and men – about busting the most pernicious myths lingering around male desire.

Not in the mood

Despite stereotypical depictions in pop culture, real-world men aren’t always fired up.

“The myth is that men are a sex toy that you can pull out of your closet and it’s always ready to go when you are. Well, no, that’s not actually the case,” said CJ, a 41-year-old government employee in St. John’s who is divorced and now in a relationship with a woman he’s known for two decades. (In order to protect the men’s privacy, full names are not used). “If your time and energy is spent on the adulting – paying bills, working overtime, trying to keep your energy up for elderly parents or young kids – is there really time to connect emotionally and build that bridge that ends up in the bedroom?” said CJ.

Adam, a Kitchener, Ont., retiree who’s been with his wife for more than two decades, also disputed the notion that the male sex drive runs non-stop, no matter what. “If I’m focused on something or upset about something at work, I just want to be alone or work something out in my head. You don’t want to have any kind of interaction with anybody,” said Adam, 67. “My partner used to talk about the ‘tent time’ or the ‘bear time.'”

In conversation with Murray, the Winnipeg relationships therapist, men pointed out that sex wasn’t at the forefront of their brains when they were sick, tired, stressed out at work or feeling emotionally disconnected. “Men’s sexual desire is not a static trait that never changes and is impermeable to outside influences,” wrote Murray, who holds a PhD in human sexuality. “We’ve gotten used to talking about the complexities of women’s desire being affected by how much sleep they’re getting, how much stress they’re under or by being a parent, but we simply don’t talk about this with men,” she said.

Halifax’s Rosen is currently recruiting couples for one of the first studies to look at men struggling with lowered desire within their relationships. “There’s so much pressure in how men’s desire is supposed to conform to the stereotype of always being ready and interested in sex,” said Rosen, an associate professor in psychology and neuroscience at Dalhousie University and director of the school’s Couples and Sexual Health Research Laboratory. “The men I’ve seen clinically feel a lot of shame around it, like there’s something wrong with them. Their family doctors don’t bring it up with them and they don’t see representations of themselves.”

Faking it

During their first therapy sessions with Murray, men often boasted about their robust sex drives. Subsequent conversations saw them dialing it back. Numerous husbands and boyfriends confessed that “some of their desire was feigned rather than authentic,” Murray wrote.

Men told her that they agreed to sex they didn’t fully want because they felt they had to. Having been socialized all their lives about high-octane male desire, men were playing the part. They were also faking it for the sake of their girlfriends and wives, who took sexual rejection and lagging male libido personally. “Men talked about this fear that their female partner might not be open to them saying ‘no’ to sex,” Murray said.

In St. John’s, CJ copped to faking sexual interest before. “It’s almost on a scale of 1 to 10. I’m not really there but I’m at a 6 and a half so I can go along with it,” CJ said. “Other times you kind of take one for the team, realizing that she’s probably done the same thing for you.”

Through her first interviews, Halifax’s Rosen is finding that men with low sexual interest are still reporting they regularly have sex with their female partners. Rosen said the men felt guilt and obligation to “please their partner to maintain the relationship.”

The female gaze

The standard thinking still goes in heterosexual dynamics: Men do the complimenting (and the objectifying), the desiring and the pursuing – and are naturally content with the setup. Not exactly, the men interviewed said.

“Men really don’t get checked out very often,” said Alexander, a 22-year-old Toronto student who has been with his girlfriend Mary, 21, for more than a year. “We have better sex when she’s complimented me and encouraged me. …It changes the whole tone of the evening,” Alexander said. “If a woman initiates even just one component of sex, that is the biggest vote of confidence.”

In her conversations with hundreds of men, Winnipeg’s Murray found many wanted their spouses and girlfriends to look at them, compliment them and act on their own urges. “Interview after interview, it started to become very clear that the most salient and important experience that increased men’s sexual desire was feeling wanted by their female partner,” Murray wrote. “A lot of women don’t think to outwardly demonstrate their desire for their male partners.”

Waterloo’s Sutherland asked 117 heterosexual couples in long-term relationships about their problems in bed for a study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine in March, and found men and women voicing pretty much the same concerns: frequency of sex, initiation and how much their partners showed interest. “We used to think that women just wanted to be romanced and men just care about sex. That’s not true. Men want to feel wanted as well, and for women to show interest in them,” Sutherland said.

Beyond skin deep

Current assumptions about male libido still often go like this: sex for men is about getting off, a practically robotic function.

Look deeper and many men balk at that assumption. For Kitchener’s Adam, intimacy is how he connects with his wife. “I may touch my partner … I’m not intending to be crude, but sometimes she reacts in a way that [suggests] this is the only motive I would have,” Adam said. “There are times when men are struggling to find a way to show intimacy. A touch is presumed to be a claim on the body, instead of just a way to connect and make some contact.”

Toronto’s Alexander expressed frustration with literature and pop culture that depict sex as solely about physical gratification for men. “If we’ve just had sex, I don’t want to go to sleep,” he said of his girlfriend. “I want to reflect on what just happened with her.”

In research interviews and therapy sessions with Murray, husbands and boyfriends described feeling their sexual-interest spike on date nights, long walks and during close conversations – the stuff of rom-coms. “To hear men talking about romantic and sweet things about their partner that turn them on, it challenged my own assumptions,” Murray said.

The therapist argued that women who are constantly cynical about the nature of their partners’ sexual desire might be missing the bigger picture. “When we have a limited belief about what turns our partner on, we unfortunately miss the more complex, nuanced, and meaningful ways that he feels desire for us,” Murray wrote. “Many of men’s emotional bids for connection go unnoticed.”

Mars, Venus and Planet Earth

Waterloo’s Sutherland found that women and men voiced virtually all the same desire-related problems in their relationships. Here, she hit on something sexologists increasingly note: When it comes to intimacy, there is often less difference between the genders than there is between individual people. “There used to be this idea that men are from Mars and women are from Venus,” Sutherland said. “We find more and more in our research that it’s just not the case.”

Winnipeg’s Murray found gender norms were limiting couples’ experiences in bed, particularly the sexual scripts that tell men they need to pursue and women they need to be the gatekeeper. CJ agreed: “If you’re conforming to the same roles, if you’re not stepping outside a little bit, it has a detrimental effect. It becomes a flow chart: I initiate. You respond. If yes, then bedroom. If bedroom, then missionary.”

Speaking to distraught couples, Murray noticed that false assumptions about raging male libido left both men and women feeling inadequate: Some women questioned whether their own lower desire was dysfunctional, while some men who didn’t experience near-constant sexual urges told Murray they felt broken.

The author wants relationships to become a place of respite from gendered expectations about desire that have little, if anything, to do with individual couples.

“These misconceptions hold us in antiquated boxes about what men and women should be, and don’t leave room to have a new discourse around what we actually want to experience,” Murray said. “It doesn’t let us be our authentic selves.”

Complete Article HERE!

Can’t Climax?

This Might Be Why

By Samantha Vincenty

Ever needed to sneeze—nose tickling, whole body clenched, staring up at a light in hopes that a big “ACHOO!” will free you—only for the sneeze to somehow stall out, leaving you shaking clenched fists as you accept that the release just ain’t happening? Not being able to have an orgasm after a big build-up often feels like that…times a million.

Inability to orgasm is frustrating for someone trying to achieve sexual release through sex or masturbation. Chronic problems reaching climax can also sap the joy from a couple’s sex life when disappointment spoils what’s meant to be a playful encounter: Eventually, you’re worrying about whether “it” will happen before your clothes even hit the floor. Or worse, sex becomes a fraught activity and you avoid it altogether.

If you’ve experienced trouble reaching orgasm, you’re far from alone, and it happens to both women and men. Here are some expert tips on getting there if you can’t orgasm, but would very much like to.

Anorgasmia is the persistent inability to achieve orgasm.

Not a failure to achieve orgasm, mind you—in fact, let’s ban the word “failure” in this arena from here on out (we’ll touch on why later). The word “inability” is a tricky one too, says Anna Kaye, a counselor and certified sex therapist who works with adults struggling with relationship and sexuality issues.

“The fact that one doesn’t have an orgasm sometimes, most of the time, or even ever, doesn’t necessarily mean that they are UNABLE to have one,” Kaye explains. “It means that in that circumstance, with that partner, with that moment’s mindset, one doesn’t.”

In other words, even if you’ve been affected by anorgasmia for most of your life, you’ve got plenty of reasons to hope that can change.

According to the Mayo Clinic, there are four types of anorgasmia: Lifelong anorgasmia (have never had an orgasm), acquired anorgasmia (you’ve had orgasms before, but now they elude you), situational anorgasmia (you can only come a certain way, such as through masturbation), generalized anorgasmia (you can’t climax, period). Understanding which type describes your situation can light the path to treatment.

Visit a doctor to rule out medical issues.

“Certain medical conditions, like diabetes or multiple sclerosis, can interfere with orgasm,” says Joshua Gonzalez, an L.A.-based doctor trained in sexual medicine. Gonzalez and Kaye both note that certain medications, particularly SSRI-class antidepressants, can wallop your sex drive as well.

Those are far from the only biological factors that may be at play, which is why voicing your concerns to a qualified doctor can help. “Additional reasons include hormonal issues, pelvic trauma or surgery, spinal cord injury, and cardiovascular disease,” Dr. Gonzalez says.

If the difficulty only occurs with a certain sex partner, that may be a red flag.

If you’ve previously been able to climax but can’t make it happen with someone you’re definitely attracted to, your instincts may be telling you something.

“Women may have trouble achieving an orgasm if they are trying to make it happen with a person whom their gut doesn’t feel good about,” Kaye says. “In other words, the relationship isn’t right, or the person isn’t right for them.”

Kaye points out that communication problems can be at play, so before you kick them out of bed for good, voice your concerns.

Past negative associations with sex are worth exploring with a therapist.

Dark thoughts about your sexual self may not be at the forefront of your mind in bed, but it’s possible they’re roiling under the surface. “Sociocultural beliefs about sex, underlying anxiety and depression, and prior emotional, physical, or sexual abuse can also negatively affect orgasm,” Gonzalez says.

If you haven’t, consider unpacking your experience with a trusted mental health professional. “Past unprocessed sexual trauma can lead to the body holding back, feeling unsafe, and therefore not allowing the person to surrender to an orgasm,” Kaye adds.

Pressure is an orgasm-killer.

You might try shelving the expectations for an orgasm altogether, so worry doesn’t snuff out your libido and chase hopes of climax further away.

“Don’t work hard or get frustrated trying to make an orgasm happen, because in that situation it won’t,” says Kaye. “Instead, focus on intimate caressing, stroking, and playfulness with your partner. An orgasm may just be a wonderful side effect of the intimacy that blows your socks off (if they were still on).”

Heterosexual women, and their partners, can try getting to know the clitoris better.

According to Indiana University’s National Survey of Sex and Behavior, “About 85% of men report that their partner had an orgasm at the most recent sexual event; this compares to the 64% of women who report having had an orgasm at their most recent sexual event.” Those numbers suggest men think their getting their female partner off more than they actually are.

Therapist Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman, jokes that this is because men tend to be “ill-cliterate,” and clitoral stimulation is a major (for some, even necessary) part of achieving orgasm for women.

“The clitoris is the powerhouse of the female orgasm and responds to persistent stimulation of the vulva, rather than penetration of the vagina,” says Kerner, who calls the external part of the clitoris “the visible tip of the orgasm iceberg.” A significant number of women need clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm—as opposed to penetration—so penis-in-vagina intercourse may not take you over the edge.

Unsure where your clitoris is? Check out Planned Parenthood’s handy female sexual anatomy explainer. And speaking of getting hand-y…

Masturbation is the best way to learn what you need.

We can extol the many benefits of self love (and we have); it’s truly the best trial-and-error practice around when it comes to coming.

“It’s important for women to be able to masturbate and give themselves an orgasm, so they can create the ‘neural wiring’ for orgasms to happen,” says Kerner. If you find that your hand doesn’t get the job done, you can pick up one of these excellent vibrators for beginners</a

For men, though, Kerner cautions that masturbation can occasionally hinder a man’s ability to orgasm with a partner “due to a combination of pressure and friction that’s difficult to replicate during sex.” He recommends either taking a break, or trying your non-dominant hand instead.

You may not be getting enough foreplay.

If an orgasm is a flame, foreplay is the gasoline. Foreplay is a catchall term for any pre-sex play that heightens excitement: Deep kissing, footsie, nipple stimulation, a striptease, dirty talk—the list is honestly endless, so long as it turns you on.

Foreplay makes partners more present in the moment, can foster a sense of safety through doting attention, and, as Kerner points out, turns up the heat: “A lack of adequate foreplay or percolation of arousal is also often at the root of a woman’s lack of orgasm during partnered sex.”

Is stress chasing your orgasms away?

“In my clinical experience men are able to get interested in sex even when external stressors are high with chores, deadlines, and fatigue,” Kerner says. “Conversely, many women complain that during sex it’s very hard for them to get out of their heads and into a state of arousal.”

Learning how to relax and let go is easier said than done, but Kerner suggests couples work together to reduce external stressors outside the bedroom, and then create a soothing environment that sets the stage for intimacy. Light candles, bust out your softest sheets and try exchanging massages with your partner.

Dream up a hot fantasy (especially during solo sessions).

Getting lost in a sexual fantasy is another way to put life’s stress and distraction out of mind and achieve the big O. Kerner advises clients not to feel guilty or less present when they’re imagining a hot scenario—”it’s really okay to fantasize during sex”—and suggests strengthening that fantasizing-muscle while masturbating.

Take your sweet time.

Play, experimentation, and patience are essential in discovering (or rediscovering) how you orgasm, so there’s no need to cut solo or partnered sex short because they’ve finished and you don’t think it’s going to happen for you.

Try staying in the moment for five, ten, fifteen minutes more to see what happens, and go heavy on the affection. And remember that intensity varies by person, so if you don’t experience the kind of leg-shaking, eye-rolling Os you see in movies, that’s not a failure on your part (there’s that word again

As Kaye says, “The success and satisfaction of lovemaking doesn’t come from how fast one reaches an orgasm, but how much one enjoys it.”

Complete Article HERE!

Can masturbation impact your workout?

Research has shown that masturbation does not affect testosterone levels.

Masturbation is a healthy and safe sexual activity that has links to numerous health benefits, such as pain relief and stress reduction. Opinions on how masturbation affects exercise vary, but there is not enough evidence to support one view over the other.

Some members of the health and fitness community are in a debate about the potential risks and benefits of masturbation before a workout.

Some people believe that masturbation can influence levels of testosterone, which plays a crucial role in promoting overall physical fitness. They also think that masturbation and other sexual activities can lead to improvements in mood and lower stress, which can indirectly improve physical performance.

However, other people think that masturbation adversely influences physical performance due to excess energy expenditure. Continue reading to learn about the possible benefits and side effects associated with masturbating before a workout.

How masturbation and abstinence affect testosterone

The debate about whether masturbation is beneficial before exercise seems to focus on how masturbation influences testosterone.

Testosterone is the primary male reproductive hormone, but females also produce it. It plays a crucial role in promoting physical fitness among both males and females. According to one animal study, it plays a vital role in muscle protein synthesis.

Another review that included studies on humans suggests that testosterone also plays a role in bone formation.

With that said, the question remains whether masturbation significantly affects testosterone levels.

What do the studies say?

Testosterone levels naturally increase during sexual arousal and decrease after orgasm, but it appears that masturbation does not significantly impact a person’s level of testosterone.

The findings of a 2001 study showed that orgasm due to masturbation did not affect plasma testosterone levels. However, the authors observed higher concentrations of testosterone in men who abstained from sexual activity for 3 weeks. This was a small study with only 10 participants.

In another early study from 2003, researchers observed that testosterone levels fluctuated minimally during the first 5 days of sexual abstinence, peaked at 7 days, and then remained constant. The findings of this study suggest that short periods of abstinence may result in temporary fluctuations in testosterone levels.

Benefits of masturbation

Although masturbation has little to no effect on testosterone levels, it may still benefit a person’s workout performance.

However, there is not enough scientific research to support a direct link between masturbation and better physical performance.

Current scientific research does suggest, however, that sexual activity may enhance people’s overall health.

A recent study on adults who had experienced a heart attack suggests that those who frequently engaged in sexual activity had better long term survival rates.

Hormones, such as dopamine, norepinephrine, and oxytocin, increase during and following sexual climax. These hormones positively affect mood and could influence the mental aspect of exercise by improving a person’s frame of mind and motivation during a workout.

Side effects of masturbation

Masturbation is a safe sexual activity that has few, if any, long term side effects.

One 2016 review looking at sexual activity and competitive sports concludes that there is not any evidence to suggest that masturbation has a direct adverse effect on overall physical fitness or sports performance in males or females. Anecdotal evidence also indicates that having sexual intercourse about 10 hours before taking part in a sports competition may have a positive effect on performance.

Masturbating too frequently can lead to temporary side effects, including:

  • overly sensitive or tender skin near the genitals
  • swelling or edema of the penis
  • decreased sensitivity
  • fatigue

Males and females

It appears that masturbation induces similar effects in both males and females. Engaging in sexual activity increases testosterone levels, reduces stress, and relieves pain.

Male and female bodies respond differently to testosterone. Males naturally have higher levels of testosterone than females, which leads to the development of some typical male characteristics, such as body and facial hair.

These characteristics do not usually occur in females producing normal levels of the hormone. Testosterone also plays an essential role in sperm production and egg development.

Currently, scientific research has not revealed a direct relationship between masturbation and exercise performance in males or females.

However, the findings of one recent study suggest that regular sexual activity may improve levels of life satisfaction and enjoyment among older adults.

Summary

Masturbation has little to no direct effect on people’s workout performance. Although testosterone levels fluctuate immediately after orgasm, the change is temporary and unlikely to affect a person’s physical fitness.

Masturbation may stimulate the release of endorphins and other feel-good hormones. These hormonal changes can help reduce stress and improve mood.

People should structure their routines accordingly. If masturbating makes someone extremely tired, they may want to avoid it before a workout. Masturbating has few, if any, side effects.

Complete Article HERE!

These Badass Women Are Fighting To Close The Orgasm Gap For Good

by Carrie Arnold

The big O can boost your mood, help you sleep better, strengthen your immune system, improve your relationship, and more. But it makes everyone—and we mean everyone (doctors, universities, government agencies)—flinch. WH investigates why women are getting the short end of the stick when it comes to getting off, and talks to the brave ladies who are cutting through the red tape, so you can.

Lora Haddock figured her company might be controversial in some circles. After all, she was starting a woman-oriented pleasure-tech company and designing a sex toy that mimicked all the motions of a human partner. Better still, the gadget stimulated the clitoris and vagina simultaneously, without needing a hand to hold it in place.

But Haddock thought the tech world was ready for a product that was part robot, part vibrator, and all about a woman’s sexual pleasure. The Osé (pronounced oh-SAY) that Haddock designed as the head of her company, Lora DiCarlo, had 52 complex engineering requirements, as well as a slew of patents pending before it hit the market. Haddock knew the Osé was something special—and groundbreaking—because it used the latest technology to give women what they want.

The Consumer Electronics Show (CES) thought so too, notifying Haddock last fall that it would be awarding the Osé its 2019 Robotics & Drones Innovation Award. But before the ink had dried on the notice of their honor, the CES revoked its award. “Our jaws hit the floor,” Haddock says.

In a letter Haddock shared with WH, CES quoted terms buried deep in the small print: “Entries deemed by CTA [Consumer Technology Association, the organization behind the annual CES show] in their sole discretion to be immoral, obscene, indecent, profane, or not in keeping with CTA’s image will be disqualified.” Never mind, of course, that current and past exhibitors had demoed augmented reality porn and a robot sex doll that can give blow jobs.

The double standard struck a nerve, and Haddock fired back with an open letter to CES, writing, “You cannot pretend to be unbiased if you allow a sex robot for men but not a vagina-focused equivalent.” In other words, the organization was okay with helping a guy get his rocks off, but not a woman. The implied message was that women’s sexual health is not worthy of innovation.

Months passed after that slap in the face. Then, fortunately, CES reinstated Haddock’s award in May 2019, right before this story went to press, stating that “CTA recognizes the innovative technology that went into the development of Osé and reiterates its sincere apology to the Lora DiCarlo team.”

As this debacle shows, in our boner-centric culture, female orgasm still remains taboo. Climaxing is all well and good if it gives a man another notch on his belt, but when a female-identifying individual has an orgasm for the sake of an orgasm, people start to squirm (and not in a good way).

“There’s an overvaluing of male sexual pleasure and a devaluing of female sexual pleasure,” says Laurie Mintz, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Florida and the author of Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters—And How to Get It. And this imbalance, more than anything else, is helping to drive what researchers call the orgasm gap. A large survey of American adults found that nearly 95 percent of men had an orgasm during their last sexual encounter, but only two-thirds of women did.

The big O can boost your mood, help you sleep better, strengthen your immune system, improve your relationship, and more. But it makes everyone—and we mean everyone (doctors, universities, government agencies)—flinch. WH investigates why women are getting the short end of the stick when it comes to getting off, and talks to the brave ladies who are cutting through the red tape, so you can.

Lora Haddock figured her company might be controversial in some circles. After all, she was starting a woman-oriented pleasure-tech company and designing a sex toy that mimicked all the motions of a human partner. Better still, the gadget stimulated the clitoris and vagina simultaneously, without needing a hand to hold it in place.

But Haddock thought the tech world was ready for a product that was part robot, part vibrator, and all about a woman’s sexual pleasure. The Osé (pronounced oh-SAY) that Haddock designed as the head of her company, Lora DiCarlo, had 52 complex engineering requirements, as well as a slew of patents pending before it hit the market. Haddock knew the Osé was something special—and groundbreaking—because it used the latest technology to give women what they want.

The Consumer Electronics Show (CES) thought so too, notifying Haddock last fall that it would be awarding the Osé its 2019 Robotics & Drones Innovation Award. But before the ink had dried on the notice of their honor, the CES revoked its award. “Our jaws hit the floor,” Haddock says.

In a letter Haddock shared with WH, CES quoted terms buried deep in the small print: “Entries deemed by CTA [Consumer Technology Association, the organization behind the annual CES show] in their sole discretion to be immoral, obscene, indecent, profane, or not in keeping with CTA’s image will be disqualified.” Never mind, of course, that current and past exhibitors had demoed augmented reality porn and a robot sex doll that can give blow jobs.

The double standard struck a nerve, and Haddock fired back with an open letter to CES, writing, “You cannot pretend to be unbiased if you allow a sex robot for men but not a vagina-focused equivalent.” In other words, the organization was okay with helping a guy get his rocks off, but not a woman. The implied message was that women’s sexual health is not worthy of innovation.

Months passed after that slap in the face. Then, fortunately, CES reinstated Haddock’s award in May 2019, right before this story went to press, stating that “CTA recognizes the innovative technology that went into the development of Osé and reiterates its sincere apology to the Lora DiCarlo team.”

As this debacle shows, in our boner-centric culture, female orgasm still remains taboo. Climaxing is all well and good if it gives a man another notch on his belt, but when a female-identifying individual has an orgasm for the sake of an orgasm, people start to squirm (and not in a good way).

“There’s an overvaluing of male sexual pleasure and a devaluing of female sexual pleasure,” says Laurie Mintz, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Florida and the author of Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters—And How to Get It. And this imbalance, more than anything else, is helping to drive what researchers call the orgasm gap. A large survey of American adults found that nearly 95 percent of men had an orgasm during their last sexual encounter, but only two-thirds of women did.

It’s likely that gap only gets wider when sex happens outside of a committed relationship, because in those circumstances men may not feel the need to reciprocate pleasure, and women may not know how to approach the topic. The impact is felt far outside the bedroom. Missing out on orgasm means not only that you’re unable to enjoy its health benefits, such as better mood, deeper sleep, relief from headaches, and glowing skin, but also that you’re missing out on a fundamental human experience that’s fun to boot.

Well, that blows (for lack of a better term). There’s a lot to unpack here, and it’s a twisted tale of gender-biased hookup culture, poor research funding, hypocritical subway advertising rules (we’ll get to those later), and oh-so-much more. But the promising news is that women are fighting back and taking charge of their bodies and their sex lives—for good.

Pleasure 101

It starts as early as our first class in sex ed. We learn the names and functions of the different genitals, and, if we’re lucky, we learn about more than just abstinence, including how to prevent pregnancy and STDs. There are periods and body hair, and that’s about it. One of the many things missing? Pleasure, especially for her.

It’s no surprise, then, that in a survey of college women, nearly 30 percent could not identify the proper location of the clitoris. Alison Ash, PhD, a sex and relationship expert in San Francisco, says it’s not just a lack of proper sex ed that’s causing this ignorance. “Scientists didn’t discover the full anatomy of the clitoris until 1998—decades after they put a man on the moon,” she says. So the results of being sidelined become apparent as soon as women start having sex.

As a doctoral student in sociology at Stanford, Ash studied heterosexual hookup culture and found that “a lot of women don’t know what they want or how to ask for it,” she says. “Women are prioritizing what they think is their partner’s well-being over their own pleasure.”

Her data revealed that hookups were focused on him. Only 11 percent of women experienced climax the first time with a new partner, although the percentage increased in long-term relationships. Researchers from Indiana University analyzed data from the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, with a pool of 1,931 adults in the U.S. ages 18 to 59, and found that this gap wasn’t just a youth phenomenon—it was happening at all ages. Men are 27 percent more likely to report having an orgasm than women during a sexual encounter, found research published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

What’s more, in many heterosexual relationships, a woman’s orgasm is seen as a reflection not of her desire and satisfaction but of her partner’s sexual prowess and masculinity, according to a study in the Journal of Sex Research. It’s partly why 67 percent of women have faked an orgasm with a partner, compared with just 28 percent of men: Heterosexual women know that what’s at stake is not so much our own pleasure, but his ego.

Although it’s easier for people with penises to be sure they’ve climaxed because they release semen, another factor is that women understand so much less about what they want and what brings them pleasure. And that’s a major problem. Not only do orgasms boost immunity and help combat stress (yes, please!), but the chemical release actually helps partners bond. Fibbing about the big O or avoiding it altogether? It might be easier in the short term to avoid asserting your needs in bed, but over time, couples lose a valuable opportunity to communicate.

“You have to figure out what you like, then you have to be brave enough to ask for it specifically, and ask and ask again until your partner gets it right,” says sex therapist Aline Zoldbrod, PhD.

Paging Dr. Orgasm…

Hello? Is anybody there? With so much cultural and medical ignorance around female orgasms, you might think funding agencies would be willing to support scientists who are studying the problem. You’d be wrong.

Despite 43 percent of women reporting some type of sexual dysfunction, research on women and orgasms is shockingly sparse—or nonexistent. The National Institutes of Health funded no research over the past decade specifically devoted to improving women’s orgasms, according to a WH analysis of NIH grants.

Female researchers are feeling this discrepancy firsthand. As a junior faculty member at UCLA, neurophysiologist Nicole Prause, PhD, says the university ethics board refused to let her conduct experiments measuring the physiological responses of couples having sex in the lab without providing her with specific objections about why the research was blocked.

After a decade of trying to make it in academia, this obstacle was the last straw. Prause finally gave up and founded Liberos, an independent sex research institute in Los Angeles, to continue her work around sexual pleasure. (When contacted, a UCLA rep responded that “out of respect for all employees and consistent with university policy, we do not discuss circumstances surrounding change of employment status.”)

Blunt without being rude, Prause urges her colleagues to take female pleasure seriously and bring more rigor to their work. At a recent conference, she attended a session where researchers asked study participants to eat chocolate in order to measure pleasure.

“I asked why they didn’t have the participants stimulate their own genitals. And they looked at me like I was an alien,” she says. Prause points out that the general public is eager for this type of research. She never has problems recruiting participants for her studies. When she recently placed an ad on Craigslist for one, she had more than 400 calls and emails within 30 minutes. “Orgasm is safe, free, and accessible; why wouldn’t we want to fund research about it?” Prause asks.

University of Michigan bioengineering PhD student Lauren Zimmerman, 25, knows this problem all too well. Her lab at the university is devoted to the stimulation of nerves in the lower leg and near the genitalia for treatment of overactive bladder. What piqued Zimmerman’s interest was when she learned that stimulating these same nerves might also help women who couldn’t achieve orgasm. She received funding for a small pilot trial to see if small amounts of painless electrical stimulation on the tibial nerve in the ankle and a nerve near the clitoris could improve women’s ability to climax, but she ran into difficulties securing funding for follow-up research. When she talked with officials about her project, they seemed interested. “When it came time for decisions, it never seemed to fall in my favor,” Zimmerman says.

Clinical psychologist Erin Cooper, PhD, says this is par for the course among sex researchers. “We’re trying to understand the female orgasm, more than ever. But there simply isn’t much money going toward this research.”

After rounds of applications, Zimmerman found funds that would provide financial support for her as a scientist rather than for her specific project. She easily recruited participants and discovered that 12 weekly stimulation sessions could improve a woman’s ability to reach orgasm. But when she presented those results at one scientific conference, she says she was laughed out of the room. “They thought it was a dirty joke and not a real clinical need,” Zimmerman says.

Saying yes to feeling good

Entrepreneur Polly Rodriguez, 32, learned the hard way how lightly female desire is taken. When radiation treatment for stage III colon cancer sent the then 21-year-old into menopause, doctors told her she would never be able to have children but failed to mention that her sex drive and ability to enjoy sex could be affected.

It was only thanks to some online searching that she finally figured it out. (The places Rodriguez could find that sold vibrators in her rural corner of the Midwest felt far too seedy for her to ask intimate questions about climax.) To fill the void, Rodriguez launched Unbound in December 2014, an online marketplace providing a sex-positive space for women to share experiences and find products that meet their sexual needs, ranging from lube and vibrators to handcuffs. “Men have had Playboy and Viagra, and I want those kinds of brands to exist for women,” Rodriguez says.

Though her company’s growth has surpassed her wildest dreams, with more than 200,000 unique hits per month, Rodriguez built her brand without advertising on social media or public transit. Facebook’s policies allow only the advertisement of condoms as family planning aids or to prevent STIs; for vibrators, forget it. When Rodriguez pushed back against this prudish policy, a representative wrote her that advertising for adult products and services wasn’t allowed.

The explanation? “This is driven by an understanding of people’s sentiment for these ads,” the email read. (When reached for comment, a Facebook spokesperson responded with the following: “We have long had a policy that restricts certain ads with adult content and adult products in part because Facebook is a global company and we take into account the wide array of people from varying cultures and countries who see them…As with all of our policies, our enforcement is never perfect but we are always improving.”)

And New York City’s Metropolitan Transit Authority refused to post an ad for Unbound, calling it “phallic,” despite Rodriguez’s efforts to show fully clothed women of various races with nary a penis in sight. According to Rodriguez, the same day she was rejected, the MTA green-lit ads for a company selling male sexual enhancement products that portrayed a limp cactus and a perky cactus—far more phallic than Unbound’s ads. (The MTA did not respond when asked for a statement.)

Where do we ‘O’ from here?

Despite these roadblocks, the breakneck pace of Unbound’s expansion and the buzz around—and ultimate recognition of—products like the Osé show that another sexual revolution is underway.

Women are tired of putting their desires on the back burner and have begun to realize it’s okay to ask for not only what they need, but also what they want, says Zoldbrod. Yet more research is critically important—in the lab, but also in your own bedroom.

“Only you can figure out what rings your bell,” she says. In the meantime, let’s hope the rest of the medical world gets on board so we can close the gap once and for all.

Complete Article HERE!

Here’s What a Polyamorous Relationship Actually Is…

and What It Isn’t

Jessamyn Stanley recently talked about the many misconceptions surrounding polyamory. We reached out to experts to learn more about the relationship practice.

By Gabrielle Kassel

Bethany Meyers, Nico Tortorella, Jada Pinkett Smith, and Jessamyn Stanley are all stylish AF, badass entrepreneurs making waves on your social feeds. But they have another thing in common: They all identify as polyamorous.

By now you’ve likely heard of “polyamory” and “polyamorous relationships.” But do you know what they mean? Unless you’re also poly, Stanely says you probably don’t. In a recent Instagram Story, she said, “Polyamory gets confused with wanting to have sex or needing to have sex with a lot of different people, which is really not what it’s about.” (Related: How to Have a Healthy Polyamorous Relationship)

So what are polyamorous relationships actually about? To find out, we consulted with sex educators who specialize in ethical non-monogamy. Here, they explain the dynamics of polyamory and dispel some of the most common misconceptions surrounding it.

What’s the definition of polyamorous?

Our ‘ole friend Merriam Webster says the term “polyamory” refers to folks involved in more than one romantic relationship at a time. While an OK start, sex and polyamory educators say this definition misses one vv vital component: consent.

“Polyamory is an ethically, honestly, and consensually driven relationship structure that allows us to engage in many (poly), loving (amorous) relationships,” says pleasure-based sex educator and sex-positivity advocate, Lateef Taylor. “The consent component here is vital.” So while there may be multiple intimate and/or sexual relationships happening concurrently, everyone (!!) involved is aware that these are the relationship dynamics in place.

Note: If you’ve ever been in a committed monogamous relationship and cheated or been cheated on, know that that is not polyamory. “Cheating is a behavior that can happen in any kind of relationship because it’s any broach in the agreements or boundaries of the relationship,” explains sex educator and licensed psychologist Liz Powell, Psy.D., author of Building Open Relationships: Your Hands-On Guide To Swinging, Polyamory, & BeyondTranslation: Calling yourself “poly” isn’t a free pass for you or your partner to hook up with whoever you want.

Polyamorous relationship ≠ open relationship

Many non-monogamous relationship terms are often conflated and confused. Sex and relationships educator Sarah Sloane, who has been teaching sex toy classes at Good Vibrations and Pleasure Chest since 2001, explains that consensual non-monogamy (sometimes called ethical non-monogamy) encapsulates all of these.

Maybe you’ve heard the word “queer” described as an umbrella term? Well, Sloane says “consensual non-monogamy similarly operates as an umbrella term, too.” Under that umbrella are other types of non-monogamous relationships, including polyamorous relationships, as well as swinging, open relationships, throuples, and more.

Wait, so what’s the difference between polyamorous and open relationships? “These relationship terms may mean slightly different things to different people,” explains Sloane. Typically, though, “when someone uses the phrase ‘polyamorous,’ they’re using it to explain relationships that are emotionally intimate and romantic, as opposed to just sexual,” she says. Open relationships, on the other hand, tend to involve having one partner who’s your main squeeze/your boo thing/your partner/your honey, and other partners who are ~purely sexual~. Simply put, while open relationships and polyamorous relationships are both practices of ethical non-monogamy, polyamorous relationships typically have wiggle room for more than one emotional connection. (Related: 6 Things Monogamous People Can Learn from Open Relationships)

Just remember: “To find out what someone means when they say they’re in a polyamorous relationship, ask them, because it does mean different things to different people,” says Sloane.

Some poly relationships have “structure” while others do not

Just as no two monogamous relationships look the same, nor do two polyamorous relationships. “There are so many different ways to have intimate relationships with multiple people, so there are so many ways polyamorous relationships can manifest and play out,” says Amy Boyajian, CEO and co-founder of Wild Flower, an online innovative sexual wellness and adult store.

Sloane explains that some folks follow a relationship hierarchy in which partners are considered “primary,” “secondary,” “tertiary,” and so on, based on the level of commitment involved. “Others won’t use formal labels, but will arrange the ‘importance’ of their relationships around who they’re living with, have kids with, etc.,” she says. On the other hand, some people avoid “ranking” the folks they’re woo-ing and being woo-ed by, adds Sloane.

Figuring out a relationship structure (or lack thereof) that works best for you requires understanding yourself and what you need from your relationships, says Boyajian. “You need to deep-think on what you’re comfortable with, what your needs are, and then be able to communicate those things to your partners and potential partners.”

Folks of any gender, sexuality, and relationship status can be poly

“Anyone who believes in and is committed to having ethical non-monogamous relationships can explore this love style,” says Taylor.

BTW, you can also be single and identify as poly. You can even be sleeping with or dating only one person and still identify as poly. “Identifying as poly doesn’t mean you always have multiple partners at once,” says Boyajian, “It’s like being pansexual. You’re still pansexual even if you’re not currently dating or sleeping with anyone!” (Related: What It Really Means to Be Gender Fluid or Identify As Non-Binary)

No, being poly isn’t a “new trend”

Polyamory may seem like something ~all the cool kids are doing~ but it has a rich history. “Indigenous people and queer folks have been doing it for many, many years,” says Powell. “And when we call it a ‘trend’, we erase the history of the variety of folks who have been practicing ethical non-monogamy throughout history, before the white West started doing it.”

So why does it seem like it’s suddenly something everyone’s doing? First off, relax. Not everyone is doing it. While one survey found that about 21 percent of Americans have tried consensual non-monogamy at some point in their life, another source says only 5 percent of folks are currently in a non-monogamous relationship. However, the most recent data is at least two years old, so experts say the percentage may be slightly higher.

Sloane also offers her own hypothesis: “As a society, we may be in a place where we are having more conversations about what constitutes love and relationships,” she says. “And the more conversations we have about polyamory, the more people are able to consider it for themselves.” (Related: The Surprising Reason Women Want Divorce More Than Men)

Polyamorous dating isn’t just about getting laid

There’s a misconception that polyamory is about a need or desire to have a lot of sex with a lot of people, Stanley recently shared on Instagram. But “it’s really just a lot of radical honesty,” she wrote. As Powell explains: “Polyamory isn’t about sex, it’s about the desire (or practice) of wanting to have multiple loving relationships.”

In fact, sometimes sex is never on the table. For instance, folks who identify as asexual (meaning they don’t experience a desire to have sex) can be in polyamorous relationships, too, says sex educator Dedeker Winston, author of The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory. “For people who are asexual, polyamorous allows them to cultivate relationships around commitment, intimacy, shared values, and shared experiences with a partner or partners, while still allowing that partner to be sexual.”

But, of course, sex can be part of it

“Polyamory is about designing an intentional relationship style that works for you, so sex can be a primary driver or just a component,” says sex educator and gender researcher Ren Grabert, M.Ed. (BTW: If you’re thinking poly=orgies all the time, guess again. Sure, group sex may occasionally be part of it. But that’s not a defining feature of polyamorous relationships.)

And when sex is part of it, Boyajian says communication around safe-sex practices and STI status is key. “Are you using protection with all of your partners? Are a group of you exclusive to one another and therefore not using barriers? Are you to use protection with all partners but one, who you’re fluid bonded to?” These details should be agreed upon before sexual contact happens and should be an ongoing conversation. (Here’s how to ask your partner if they’ve had an STD test.)

Polyamorous relationships *aren’t* for commitment-phobes

There’s a misconception that being polyamorous is synonymous with “bad at commitment.” That’s hogwash. In fact, Taylor says poly requires a ton of commitment—to yourself and to the people you’re seeing. “Think about it: Being in a relationship with multiple people requires committing to the folks you’re dating or seeing and honoring them and the boundaries of your relationship.”

In fact, if you start dating polyamorously specifically because you have a fear of commitment, your relationships will likely fail, says Powell. “What tends to happen is folks end up bringing their commitment-aversion—and the issues that come with it—into multiple relationships, instead of just one.” Woof.

If you want to experiment with polyamorous dating, you need to do your research

Maybe you’ve always wanted to explore polyamory. Maybe Stanely’s loving post for her partners after a bike accident (“I’m also feeling so f*cking grateful for my partners and the way in which they held me and each other down last night/this morning”) piqued your interest. Or maybe you’re just curious for future reference. Whatever the reason, if you—or you and a partner—want to experiment with polyamory, you need to do your research.

Kudos, this article counts. But if you’re actually looking to date polyamorously, it’s not sufficient. “Doing research on polyamorous relationships, boundaries within that relationship, and what you’re looking for from polyamorous dating is vital,” says Grabert.

For that, the experts interviewed have the following suggestions:

Complete Article HERE!

Is there such a thing as ‘normal’ libido for women?

Drug companies say they can “fix” low sex drive in women.

By Caroline Zielinski

Ever wished you could reciprocate your partner’s hopeful gaze in the evening instead of losing your desire under layers of anxiety and to-do lists? Or to enthusiastically agree with your friends when they talk about how great it is to have sex six times a week?

Perhaps you just need to find that “switch” that will turn your desire on – big pharma has been trying for years to medicalise women’s sex drive, and to “solve” low libido.

One US company has just released a self-administered injection that promises to stimulate desire 45 minutes after use.

In late June, the US Food and Drugs Administration (FDA) approved Vyleesi (known scientifically as bremelanotide), the second drug of its kind targeting hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), a medical condition characterised by ongoing low sexual desire.

Vyleesi will soon be available on the market, and women will now have two drugs to choose from, the other being flibanserin (sold under the name Addyi), which comes in pill form.

Many experts are sceptical of medication being marketed as treatment for HSDD and the constructs underpinning research into the condition.

Yet many experts are highly sceptical of medication being marketed as treatment for HSDD, and also of the scientific constructs underpinning the research into the condition.

What is female hypo-active sexual desire disorder?

Hypo-active sexual desire disorder (or HSDD) was listed in the DSM-4, and relates to persistently deficient (or absent) sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity, which causes marked distress and relationship problems.

“The problem is, it is very hard to describe what this medical condition actually is, because its construction is too entangled with the marketing of the drugs to treat it,” says Bond University academic Dr Ray Moynihan, a former investigate journalist, now researcher.

His 2003 paper, and book, The making of a disease: female sexual dysfunction,  evaluates the methods used by pharmaceutical companies in the US to pathologise sexuality in women, focussing on the marketing campaign of Sprout Pharmaceuticals’ drug flibanserin, an antidepressant eventually approved by the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) as a treatment for women experiencing sexual difficulties.

“This campaign, called Even the Score, was happening in real time as I was working as an investigative journalist and author.

“I got to see and document the way in which the very science underpinning this construct called FSD – or a disorder of low desire – was being constructed with money from the companies which would directly benefit from those constructs.”

The campaign was heavily criticised, mainly for co-opting  language of rights, choice and sex equality to pressure the FDA to approve a controversial female “Viagra” drug.

During his research, Dr Moynihan says he found “blatant connections between the researchers who were constructing the science, and the companies who would benefit from this science”.

“The basic structures of the science surrounding this condition were being funded by industry,” he says.

What does the science say?

The biological causes of the condition have been widely researched. A quick search comes up with more than 13,000 results for HSDD, and a whooping 700,000 for what the condition used to be called (female sexual dysfunction).

Some of these studies show that women with the condition experience changes in brain activity that are independent of lifestyle factors, and other research has found that oestrogen-only therapies can increase sexual desire in postmenopausal women.

Others look into the effectiveness of a testosterone patch increasing sexual activity and desire in surgically menopausal women. Most say there is little substantive research in the field, and even less conclusive evidence.

“Oh, there are … studies galore, but mostly they are done by the industry or industry supporters – that’s one problem,” says Leonore Tiefer, US author, researcher and educator who has written widely about the medicalisation of men’s and women’s sexuality.

“There is no such thing as ‘normal’ sexual function in women,” says Jayne Lucke, Professor at the Australian Research Centre in Sex, Health and Society at La Trobe University.

“Sexual function and desire changes across the lifespan, and is influenced by factors such as different partners, life experiences, having children, going through menopause.”

Using the word ‘normal’ is very powerful, because it puts pressure on women about our idea of what is a ‘normal’ woman’.
Professor Jayne Lucke

Professor Lucke has studied women’s health and public health policy for years, and believes our need to understand female sexuality and its triggers has created a rush to medicalise a condition which may not even exist.

“Using the word ‘normal’ is very powerful, because it puts pressure on women about our idea of what is a ‘normal’ woman’,” she says.

The studies submitted by AMAG (Vyleesi) and flibanserin (Sprout Pharmaceuticals) for approval from FSD have been criticised for their connection to industry, as well as the small differences between the drugs effects and those of the placebo.

For example, Vyleesi was found to increase desire marginally (scoring 1.2 on a range out of 6) in only a quarter of women, compared to 17 per cent of those taking a placebo. A review of flibanserin studies, including five published and three unpublished randomised clinical trials involving 5,914 women concluded the overall quality of the evidence for both efficacy and safety outcomes was very low.

Side effects were also an issue with both medications.

Flibanserin never sold well, partly due to problems with its manufacturer and partly due to its use terms: that women would have to take it daily and avoid alcohol to experience a marginal increase in their sexual experiences.

“I’m just unsure of the mechanism of action with these drugs – they seem to be using the model of male sexual desire as a baseline,” Professor Lucke says.

“In the heterosexual male model of sexuality, the man has the erection, then there is penetration, hopefully an orgasm for both: that’s the model this is targeting”.

That said, it doesn’t mean that women don’t suffer from authentic sexual difficulties – the preferred term by many physicians, including the head of Sexual Medicine and Therapy Clinic at Monash Health and a sex counsellor at The Royal Women’s Hospital, Dr Anita Elias.

“I don’t use terms like ‘dysfunction’, or worry about the DSM’s classification system,” she says.

“Clinically, I wouldn’t waste too much time reading the DSM: we’re dealing with a person, not a classification.”

She says she prefers to talk about “sexual difficulties” rather than sexual “dysfunction” because often a sexual problem or difficulty is not a dysfunction, but just a symptom of what is going on in a woman’s life (involving her physical and emotional health, relationship or circumstances, or in her beliefs or expectations around sex).

She prefers ‘sexual difficulties’ rather than ‘dysfunction’ because often … (it) is a symptom of what is going on in a woman’s life.

“It’s the reason you don’t feel like having sex that needs to be addressed rather than just taking medication,” she says.

Dr Elias believes silence and shame that surrounds the topic of female sexuality is impacting how these conditions are being dealt with at a medical and societal level.

“Sexual pain and issues just don’t get talked about: if you had back pain, you’d be telling everyone –but anything to do with sex and women is still taboo”.

Dr Amy Moten, a GP based in South Australia who specialises in sexual health, says sexual difficulties are not covered well enough during medical training.

“While training will include a component of women’s sexual health, this tends to refer to gynaecological conditions (such as STIs) rather than sexual function and wellbeing.”

She says many GPs won’t think to ask a woman about sexual issues unless it’s part of a cervical screen or conversation about contraception, and that many women are reluctant to have such an intimate conversation unless they trust their GP.

“We need to think more about how to have these conversations in the future, as we’re living at a time of general increased anxiety, a lot of which can relate to sexual health.”

As for medication? It may be available in the US, but the Australian Therapeutic Goods Administration (TGA) has confirmed no drug under that name has been approved for registration in Australia – yet.

Complete Article HERE!

Masturbation Is Self Care…

And Women Are Better At It Than Men

By Kathleen Newman-Bremang

When you think of self-care, you probably think of sheet masks, Sunday-morning meditation or Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations podcast. You probably don’t think of masturbation. And yet, it can decrease anxiety, improve your sexual relationship with your partner, and help you sleep better. And, it turns out women may even enjoy it more than men.

In her experience, women, on the other hand, are more “planful and more thoughtful with masturbation,” says Milhausen. “It’s more of a special occasion since they are doing it less often. Women may be setting the stage more — maybe they are finding some erotica to read, maybe they are using a vibrator.” An assist from vibrators during the act is also why some women are getting the most out of masturbating: The study showed that 54% of women used a vibrator during their last self-love sesh and 46% of these vibrator users said it was very pleasurable.

In a new study by Trojan (yes, the condom brand) and the non-profit Sex Information and Education Council of Canada (SIECCAN), researchers surveyed 1,500 Canadians between 18 and 24 years old. They discovered that while men masturbate more often — twice as many men than women said they masturbate at least once a week (65% of men compared to 35% of women) — women were more likely to report their last self-love experience as very pleasurable (38% of women compared 29% of men). According to Robin Milhausen, a sexuality professor from the University of Guelph who worked on the survey, the male results could be a case of too much of a good thing (most men masturbate at least three times a week, she says). “I think that this generation considers it just another thing to do during the day without much thought,” says Milhausen. “It’s just an itch to scratch, just part of their routine.

Sex-educator, advice columnist, and founder of FindYourPleasure.com, Cynthia Loyst links the increase in women feeling comfortable to use toys and be open about masturbating to pop culture. “Over the past few decades, there’s been a huge surge in representation of female masturbation in mainstream media — from shows like Sex and the City, Girls, and You, to online magazines like Goop featuring sex toys and YouTubers giving full reviews [of vibrators]. Female self-pleasure has finally come out of the closet.”

There’s still work to do, she adds. The shame and stigma surrounding female masturbation is a reason both Loyst and Milhausen give for why women still masturbate less than men. For women who are still too embarrassed to engage in some solo fun, Loyst recommends reading erotica, watching ethical porn, sexting and investing in some lube as some easy ways to incorporate self-love into your self-care routine. Sheet mask optional

Complete Article HERE!

The Modern Monogamous Marriage Is Built on Lies, Not Sex Research

By Carrie Weisman

With some exceptions, gender constructs have served men well in the modern world. It’s landed them in more high-powered positions. It’s gotten them higher wages. And, yeah, it’s given them license to pursue sex in ways that would lead women to be ostracized or shamed. In her new book Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women Lust and Adultery Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free, author Wednesday Martin digs into the damage incurred through this “boys will be boys” mentality. And she blows a whistle on the many biases that have boxed their female counterparts into such sexually constrained identities.

Fatherly spoke to Martin about what authentic sexuality looks like in women and how men can help them find their own special shade.

A lot of Untrue is about adultery. Why was it important for you to look into how women function in relationship to non-monogamy?

Infidelity is really a great test case for how we actually feel about gender parity. We have people who believe women should make the same amount men do. We have people who believe that women should hold political office. But how do they feel when women seize a privilege that has historically belonged to men, the privilege of not being monogamous? We don’t have any autonomy if we don’t have the autonomy to do what we want with our bodies.

This book really looks at how science and social science has conspired to put out a narrative that keeps women from attaining sexual autonomy. We think it’s physical violence, coercion, and slut-shaming that keep women in their place within this culture, but it’s also bad science and bad social science. So much of it has been abused to coerce women into monogamy and to discourage us from being sexually autonomous.

How does that message relate to the current cultural climate? How does it relate to the ways in which women are now asserting their sexual autonomy?

In terms of the #MeToo movement, well, I feel like bad science brought us to this moment. There’s been inaccurate science that posits that men are naturally sexually aggressive and that the male sexual coercion of females is natural. There’s a lot of more recent science that tells us that’s not true. I think a lot of that bad, biased science helped bring our culture to a point of crisis.

What are some other misconceptions surrounding female sexual identity and desire?

There is some research to suggest that the institutionalization of a relationship, whether it’s marriage or moving in together, dampens female sexual desire even more than male desire. There are studies that document women talking marriage and long-term partnership as anaphrodisiacs, as something that dampens sexual desire. They talk about familiarity and security killing their libidos. Men need to understand this about the women that they’re with. These women need sexual adventure just as much as men do.

Okay. That’s probably going to unnerve or surprise some guys out there. And maybe that’s indicative of the issue. Why do you think so many women have a hard time coming out about their genuine attitude towards polyamory and other nonconforming sexual behaviors?

You pay a high price for being honest about your sexual desires in this culture. Everything from slut-shaming to lethal violence to someone just thinking that you’re weird. Women who do step out face a lot of danger. In this country, so many mass shootings involve men trying to control women who have left them. And a lot of the triggers don’t even involve infidelity, but the suspicion of infidelity. It’s still really dangerous for women to exercise that really basic form of autonomy within the U.S.

How can men help women feel safe speaking about their desires?

I think men need to educate themselves. They need to understand the female erectile network, the extensiveness of the clitoris, the possibility of multiple orgasms, the fact that we have no refractory period. This all seems to suggest, to me, that women really evolved for sexual pleasure and serial sexual pleasure.

What about guys in monogamous relationships with wives who are not likely to be experiencing serial sexual pleasure any time soon? How can they help their partners enjoy a more diverse sex life?

I wrote the book to be a conversation starter between women and their partners. Men should know that some women really struggle with monogamy. Now, that doesn’t mean they’re going to go invite a “third” into the bedroom as a way to attain novelty. But it should encourage men to step up their game. Buy her a sex toy. Talk about sexual fantasies. Watch porn together. Go on adventures that have nothing to do with sex. Go on a zip line. Learn to tango. Take a trip. Remember, adrenaline can deliver a similar feeling to what sexual novelty gives us. These are all options if you don’t want to seek out adventure by way of consensual non-monogamy.

What about men with daughters? How can they impart healthier sexual attitudes?

It would be extremely helpful to start educating kids about female sexual pleasure at home. It’s important we teach them that women are more than an extension of male desire. Girls are more than precious little things who have to protect themselves from the boys. They are thinking, feeling people who have an amazingly evolved sexual anatomy with an extremely high capacity for pleasure. This is really basic information that kids aren’t getting in school.

Complete Article HERE!

Women as likely to be turned on by sexual images as men – study

Neural analysis finds the brains of both sexes respond the same way to pornography

The research casts doubt on the idea men are more ‘visual creatures’, a common explanation as to why they are keener on pornography.

By

The belief that men are more likely to get turned on by sexual images than women may be something of a fantasy, according to a study suggesting brains respond to such images the same way regardless of biological sex.

The idea that, when it comes to sex, men are more “visual creatures” than women has often been used to explain why men appear to be so much keener on pornography.

But the study casts doubt on the notion.

“We are challenging that idea with this paper,” said Hamid Noori, co-author of the research from the Max Planck Institute for Biological Cybernetics in Germany. “At least at the level of neural activity … the brains of men and women respond the same way to porn.”

Writing in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, Noori and his colleagues report how they came to their conclusions by analysing the results of 61 published studies involving adults of different biological sex and sexual orientation. The subjects were shown everyday images of people as well as erotic images while they lay inside a brain-scanning machine. Noori said all participants rated the sexual images as arousing before being scanned.

Previously studies based on self-reporting have suggested men are more aroused by images than women, and it has been proposed that these differences could be down to the way the brain processes the stimuli – but studies have returned different results.

Now, looking at the whole body of research, Noori and his colleagues say they have found little sign of functional differences. For both biological sexes, a change in activity was seen in the same brain regions including the amygdala, insula and striatum when sexual images were shown.

“A lot of these regions are associated also with emotional information processing and part of it is also connected to the reward processing circuitry,” said Noori.

However, activity was more widespread in the case of explicit pictures than video, and there were some small differences in the regions activated linked to sexual orientation.

The team also analysed more than 30 published studies to explore whether there were differences between the biological sexes in the volume of grey matter in the insula and anterior cingulate – a previous study had suggested this may be linked to levels of sexual arousal. However, the vast majority of the studies considered did not find any difference in the volume of grey matter in such regions between the sexes. The few that did suggested women have a greater volume of grey matter in these regions than men.

The authors say differences in the way the brains of men and women respond to erotic images may have been overstated, with previous research possibly affected by small sample sizes or different attitudes to the material among participants.

But questions remain. The latest study was not able to look at whether the magnitude of the changes of brain activity were the same for both biological sexes.

What’s more, there could be other, social, reasons that one sex might be more likely to seek out pornography, or to report doing so. “Female sexuality has quite a lot of stigma around it,” said Noori, suggesting it may not be that women do not like pornography or are not as visual as men.

“Maybe the main reason is that for the woman there are secondary inhibitory effects that keep them away from expressing what they really feel,” he said. “At least at this moment, our study indicates that men and women are not that much different.”

Complete Article HERE!

Sexual assault survivors are using this sex education app to regain confidence

by

Sex is complex, but there’s a new wave of apps and websites that aim to help women connect better with their bodies and sexuality. One such app is Ferly, an audio app, that is redefining the meaning of online sex education while also helping assault survivors regain their sexual confidence.

The app, which was released on iOS last month, creates a community for women to learn more about their bodies through micro-podcasts on the science of sex, bite-sized articles on intimacy and sexual pleasure, and a journaling space to reflect on their growth.

The website reads: “This is not about great sex. It’ll never be about great sex. This is about you putting words to the shape of your pleasure, to acknowledge that it’s a strange, wondrous, and ever-changing thing. To develop an inner confidence that transforms your most important relationship — the one you have with yourself.”

“Ferly is an old English word that means ‘strange and wondrous,’ but it used to mean ‘strange and frightful,’” Billie Quinlan, the co-founder of Ferly, told TNW. “It was used to reference all the scary and unknown creatures, like witches. But as we came to understand they weren’t real and there was nothing to be afraid of, they changed the meaning of the word. We believe this is a beautiful analogy to female sexuality — something we once feared is now claiming its right.”

When the co-founders of Ferly — Quinlan and Anna Hushlak — came together to build a business that would support women’s relationship with sex, they found it helped tackle a much greater, systemic issue: female pleasure is taboo, and its veil of shame prevents us from achieving true equality.

For many women, understanding sex and being comfortable with their own sexuality is challenging, but for survivors of sexual assault, it can be even harder. Ferly provides a safe space for survivors to rediscover their sexual confidence and receive help from various listed resources – all in a safe environment.

How Ferly helps sexual assault survivors

Ferly was created from personal experience after Quinlan and Hushlak experienced sexual violence and assault respectively. “Anna and I have both navigated sexual trauma which had a profoundly negative impact on our sense of self and our relationship with sex,” Quinlan explained. “At the time, neither of us had the tools or community to help us (re)discover pleasure and invest in our well-being.”

The #MeToo movement gave other survivors the chance to speak up against sexual violence, and Quinlan and Hushlak realized they weren’t alone. In fact, there was a whole community of women who had endured similar experiences. “We wanted to build a safe, enjoyable, and scientifically grounded space,” Quinlan said.

While Ferly provides a space for survivors to get back in touch with their sexuality and confidence, the app’s technology comes with its limitations. For survivors to take their recovery process further, Ferly created a database of recommended resources and experts that can better support them. These resources will eventually live in the app so anyone can access them when necessary.

“I don’t think there are any substitutes for in person, expert support when it comes to such a delicate issue,” Quinlan told TNW. “But I do believe technology can work side by side with expert support and provide a space and tools that are available 24/7. That’s where we would like Ferly to progress to.”

Complete Article HERE!

Your Guide to the 12 Main Types of Sex Toys

Great news: There are even more out there.

By Gabrielle Kassel

There are ~almost~ as many designs of sex toys as there are sex positions–trying to pick one that fits your preferences can be harder than finishing your first CrossFit WOD. But most can be relegated to specific categories. To our rescue, sex and relationships educator Sarah Sloane (who’s been teaching sex toy classes at Good Vibrations and Pleasure Chest since 2001) breaks down 12 of the most common types of sex toys with info on the benefits and best-use practices for each. (Related: I’ve Tried 100+ Vibrators—and My Favorite Looks Like a Banana)

(Keep in mind: This list is far from complete—if you have Q’s about toys like nipple clamps, handcuffs, pinwheels, spreader bars, fetish gear, etc. don’t hesitate to ask the expert at your local sex shop!)

Wand Vibrators

Vibrators are probably the most common type of sex toy, and when you hear the word, likely you visualize the infamous Hitachi Magic Wand, which (as its name suggests) is a wand vibe. (Fun fact: It was introduced in the ’70s as the “Cadillac of Vibrators.”)

“Wand vibrators typically offer vibrations at a higher RPM, so they’re more intense than other vibes,” says Sloane. “They work really well for people with vulvas or penises who enjoy a strong sensation, or who have difficulty getting fully aroused without intense stimulation.”

Wand vibes can also be used for applying stimulation to your non-nether regions—they double as a back and shoulder massagers, a ~teasing tool~ to trace on someone’s bod, or a very intense nipple toy, says Sloane.

The Magic Wand isn’t the only option; try the SmartWant by Lelo or the Fairy Mini Wand by Better Love.

Clitoral Vibrators

According to Sloane, clitoral vibes have emerged as their own category. They’re typically much smaller, less phallic-shaped, and are intended specifically for (yep) the clit. “These are best for people who like direct clitoral stimulation,” she says.

That said, there are a variety of shapes and sizes under the clit vibe umbrella. For instance, the Eva II by Dame has wings that wrap around the labia so that the bzzzbzzz is applied directly to your bud, while the Form 2 by Jimmyjane has little “ears” that can surround your button with pleasure. Or, you can go with a more straightforward bullet vibe like the We-Vibe Tango which looks like (obv) a bullet. There are also clit vibrators that look like everyday objects like lipstick and/or a necklace—fun!

Clit Suction Toys

True to their name, clit suction toys use air pressure to create a gentle sucking. “They’re a very, very different sensation than vibrators; people who really love oral sex or the feeling of a partner curving their tongue around their clitoris and folks who find vibration patterns too intense tend to like these,” says Sloane.

Sexpert tip: If you’re trying a clit suction toy because your clit is ultra-sensitive, first use it over your panties to warm up, then apply a dab of lube to the tip of the toy. “Super sensitive clitorises typically need more warm-up than going from zero to a suction toy,” says Sloane. Makes sense.

Want to give one a try? Here are some of the Best Clit Suction Toys On The Market at the Moment.

Dildos

ICYWW, dildos are qualified as a dildo if they’re “anything vaguely phallic shaped that is meant to simulate penile penetration,” she says. They can be any length or girth—there are ones that are two inches and ones that are monster-sized.” She says that people who enjoy the feeling of being penetrated or like the feeling of fullness in their vagina or anus might enjoy dildo play.

Note: While dildos are meant to simulate penile penetration, that doesn’t mean that all dildos look like realistic penises. In fact, most don’t—there are even some that like iciclestentacles, or candy canes. (That said, if you are looking for a realistic dildo, no one does it better than New York Toy Collective).

Butt Plugs

Butt plugs are great for experimenting with anal play. “They can teach your body to accept anal penetration and train your sphincter to relax around different sized toys,” explains Sloane. But, lest you think butt plugs are *only* a stepping stone to full-blown anal, she says, “they’re awesome for stimulating the ring of nerves around the anus.”

What’s the difference between using butt plug and using a dildo in the butt? “I tell people that dildos are more dynamic and meant to be taken in and out, while butt plugs typically go in and stay in to give a sustained, feeling of fullness,” explains Sloane. Plus, butt plugs have a flared base, which means they can be used safely without being attached to something like a harness. (See more about why butt plugs need a flared base here.)

Ready? Start here: The Best Anal Sex Toys, According to Sexperts

G-Spot Toys

Thanks to their slight curve or expertly positioned bump, G-spot toys make it easy to apply firm pressure to the G-Spot (which, yes, does exist). For your first G-spot toy purchase, Sloane recommends what she calls an egg-on-a-stick toy. “They’re great starter toys because they can be used internally and externally, for G-spot or A-spot play, and are typically pretty inexpensive.” She recommends the G Slim Classic by Blush Novelties (which is under $10!), or the Frisky by Doc Johnson (which is under $15).

A-Spot Toys

Speaking of the A-Spot—an erogenous zone a little further back than the G-spot and technically known as the anterior fornix erogenous zone—there are toys specifically meant for A-spot stimulation. Typically they look like long, narrow variations of the G-spot toys, says Sloane. For a vibrating A-spot toy, try the Lady Bi-violet by Fun Factory. And for a non-vibrating option try the 7.5-inch Pure G-spot Metal Wand by Njoy which Sloane says is A+ for A-spot play.

Rabbit Vibrators

A rabbit toy is a combo of an external vibrator and a G-spot toy. “It has an external part that usually looks like rabbit ears that provides vibration to the clitoris, while a second attachment goes inside the vagina for G-spot stimulation,” explains Sloane. She says this toy is best for people who find duel sensations pleasurable, or those who want to experiment with blended orgasms.

Shopping tip: “Make sure the toy you purchase allows you to control the vibrator patterns of both legs separately, because usually the G-spot and clitoris need different intensities,” she says. The INA Wave by Lelo and the Jack Rabbit by Calexotics are both good options.

Prostate Toys

Built for people with prostates (of the male sex, for the most part), the function of these toys is to provide direct sensation to the prostate—some vibrate, some do not. “They’re a slender, curved toy that’s similar to G-spot toys,” says Sloane. “They provide direct sensation to the prostate, and are a great option for people who want to explore prostate play but don’t want to use their hands.” Lelo is one of the best-known brands for this corner of the market. (Related: How to Prepare for Anal Sex, According To Experts)

Anal Beads

Unlike butt plugs which typically go in and stay in, anal beads provide the sensation of the anal sphincter opening and closing. “As you insert the beads, the sphincter opens up and then closes, giving you a teasing bloop-bloop sensation,” says Sloane. Maybe you’ve heard that pulling them out as you orgasm can create a more intense orgasm, she confirms that’s true—for some folks. “Other people like them because they have more mass to them, so can create a sense of anal fullness.” You can buy vibrating beads, like these VeDo Beads or ones that don’t, like these 50 Shades of Grey beads by LoveHoney.

Just remember, the anus is not self-lubricating, so you’re going to want to use a toy-compatible lubricant—and lots of it. For maximum glide, Sloane suggests lubing up the entire length of the toy, not just the first few beads. (Related: Everything You Need to Know About Lube).

Cock Rings

“Cock rings were originally created to give folks with penises a longer, fuller erection because they compress the blood vessels; they can also make the penis more sensitive,” explains Sloane.

Now, there are vibrating cock rings which offer the same effect, while providing a buzzy sensation to the wearer and the partner being penetrated. “They’re also a great way to turn dildos into vibrating dildos for strap-on sex,” says Sloane.

Oh, and she says these babies cheappp. Both Durex and Trojan make one for under ten bucks.

Glass and Metal Wands

These may look like G- or A-spot toys, but Sloane says, these deserve their own category. Why? “These non-vibrating wands are an awesome option for people who have discomfort or pain with penetration. They are frictionless and go in smoothly, and can be a great bridge to penetrative sex for people who need slower, more gradual dilation,” she says. (Related: Why You Might Be Experiencing Pain During Sex).

Plus, glass and metal toys are great for temperature play because you can warm them up or cool them down. Trust, it’s H-O-T. Check out the Fifty Shades of Drive Me Crazy Glass Massager or Stainless Steel Massage Wand by Njoy.

Complete Article HERE!

A Big Reason Why Some People Don’t Enjoy Sex As Much

By Kelly Gonsalves

Some of the biggest things that can get in the way of good sex: performance anxiety, relationship stress, life stress, lack of variety, lack of time, physical conditions that cause pain, sexual dysfunction where certain parts don’t work the way they should, mental health, antidepressants, orgasm focus, clitoris negligence, selfishness, selflessness, lack of communication, lack of lubrication, internalized shame about having sex…and those are just the ones that initially come to mind.

But here’s one that we don’t often hear or talk a lot about: childhood trauma. And that doesn’t include only childhood sexual abuse (although that’s a large and pervasive type of childhood trauma). It also includes being neglected by your parents, seeing aggressive or emotionally abusive behavior between your parents, getting bullied or mistreated by peers, dealing with identity-related discrimination, and more. These early negative experiences can psychologically shape us and the way we behave, think, and move throughout the world. And new research suggests those traumas can actually affect the way we experience our sexuality in a very specific way.

Researchers surveyed 410 people currently in sex therapy about their sex lives, childhoods, levels of psychological distress in the past week, and how mindful they are as people.

The results showed people who’d experienced more instances of trauma throughout their childhood tended to have less satisfying sexual lives than those without childhood trauma.

Why a bad childhood can lead to a less satisfying sex life as an adult.

It has to do with those other two variables: psychological distress and mindfulness. Predictably, the findings showed people with more childhood trauma tended to experience more daily psychological distress (that is, moments of fear, worry, anxiety, or other negative emotions felt throughout the day) than those without childhood trauma. That psychological distress was linked to lower mindfulness (i.e., the tendency to be attentive and aware of what’s happening in the present moment as it unfolds), and that lack of mindfulness was what was making sex less enjoyable. 

“Psychological distress (i.e., depression, anxiety, irritability, cognitive impairments) may encourage the use of avoidance strategies to escape from suffering or unpleasant psychological states, which may in turn diminish attentiveness and awareness of what is taking place in the present moment,” the researchers explain in the paper. “The numbing of experience or low dispositional mindfulness may diminish survivors’ availability and receptiveness to pleasant stimuli, including sexual stimuli, therefore leading to a sex life perceived as empty, bad, unpleasant, negative, unsatisfying, or worthless.”

In other words, people who’ve experienced bad stuff as kids tend to deal with more stress, anxiety, and negative emotions, and because of that, they’ve developed a specific coping strategy that involves distancing themselves from being fully aware of their emotional and perhaps even physical senses. That lack of mindfulness, however, ends up making good things—like sex—also less enjoyable.

How mindfulness affects sexual pleasure.

Plenty of past research has demonstrated how important mindfulness is to enjoying sex. One study earlier this year found people who are more in tune with their senses tend to have more sexual satisfaction, relationship satisfaction, a higher sense of sexual well-being, and even more sexual confidence.

This isn’t just about woo-woo feel-your-feelings stuff—mindfulness is particularly key to physical pleasure. Here’s how the researchers explain it:

A lower dispositional mindfulness may be particularly detrimental to sexual functioning. Namely, individuals who are distracted, less present, less aware, or unmindful might report lower sexual satisfaction because (1) they may show less awareness of sexual stimuli or less capacity to identify and experience pleasant states as they unfold, therefore potentially experiencing less sexual satisfaction; and (2) their lack of self-regulation of attention might preclude psychological distance from anxious thoughts and decrease their contact with moment-to-moment experiences, hence tempering arousal reactions toward sexual stimuli. … A greater disposition to mindfulness has also been related to one’s ability to fully experience the sexual act.

If you’re someone who had a rough childhood for whatever reason, it’s possible that those experiences have shaped your ability to be fully present with your senses, which in turn can make sex just feel less good.

According to the study, the trauma-distress-mindfulness-pleasure connection accounted for nearly 20% of the variance in sexual satisfaction among people—in other words, these variables together were responsible for 20% of the difference between how good sex felt across all the people in the study, from the people with the lowest sexual satisfaction to those with the highest. That means this is something to seriously pay attention to if sex tends to not feel so great for you!

The researchers suggest people with childhood trauma consider spending time working to deal with their negative emotions via mindfulness—that is, learning to sit with those emotions instead of trying to avoid them. That practice, if mastered, can begin to seep into all parts of your life and change the way you tune into any and all experiences, good and bad.

“Higher levels of dispositional mindfulness may help to reroute one’s focus away from negative, critical, or anxiety-provoking cognitions and onto sensations that are happening during sexual activities with their partner, as they unfold from moment to moment, therefore promoting satisfying sexual experiences among partners,” the researchers write. “Partners presenting higher levels of dispositional mindfulness could be more aware of their internal (e.g., arousing sensations, thoughts, emotions) and external cues (e.g., erotic cues such as seeing the partner’s naked body).”

Here are a few of the best meditations for improving your sex life, plus a guide to staying present during sex itself.

Complete Article HERE!