Tag: sex and relationship advice

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Top 10 Shocking Ways Technology Could Change Sex in the Future

— Have you ever considered the ways technological advances could transform human relationships? From male contraceptive medications, to personalized 3D printed sex toys, to haptic suits that could allow us to experience pornography more directly, there are a variety of unexpected ways tech will shape the future of sex. WatchMojo counts down ten future technologies that could drastically alter our sex lives.

By Nick Roffey

Top 10 Shocking Ways Technology Could Change Sex in the Future

The tech world may very well transform the way we get intimate. Welcome to WatchMojo.com, and today we’re counting down our picks for the top 10 ways technology could change sex.

For this list, we’re looking at emerging and predicted technologies that could significantly change our sexual relationships and impact our sex lives.

#10: DIY-Customizable, Printable Sex Toys

3D printing: the revolutionary technology used to create engine parts, human tissue, houses . . . and Eiffel Tower-shaped dildos. Don’t want to walk into a sex shop or receive a mysterious package at home? Sex toys are becoming printable and customizable. Online retailer SexShop3D allows customers to completely customize their sex devices and print them at home. Choose from a range of adjustments, or just make something up. Get as creative as you like!

#9: Avatar-Based Sex & Virtual Prostitution

In the online world of Second Life, users can make connections, explore an extensive multiverse, and even start virtual businesses. Or you can also, y’know, Netflix and… pixel mash. Just grab some genitals for your avatar at the general store, and you’re off. If you can’t find the right match, there are virtual sex workers available (for a price) in certain locations. Another massive multiplayer online world, Red Light Center, caters to adult tastes exclusively, and employs freelance Working Girls and Guys to entertain their members. Meanwhile, prostitution itself is going virtual, pushing the boundaries of online sex chats, and bringing avatars together in new and… interesting ways. And that’s not even taking into account webcam shows.

#8: Haptic Suits

Several companies have been hard at work creating advanced haptic suits that mimic physical sensations. The Teslasuit, for example, uses “neuromuscular electrical stimulation” to simulate a wide range of tactile sensations, from a breeze to a bullet. Right now, the industry focus is primarily on gaming, but futurologists predict that such suits will one day allow us to experience porn more directly and have sex at a distance. Admittedly however, the early examples of suits designed specifically for sexual purposes are… alarming. Here’s hoping that future incarnations are a little more discrete and less… awkward-looking.

#7: Artificial Wombs

Researchers at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia made headlines in 2017 when they successfully “grew” premature lambs in artificial wombs. The lambs were placed inside fluid-filled plastic “biobags” and attached to mechanical placentas. The researchers hope to develop similar technology for humans. Sound like something out of a sci-fi novel? Well, writers in the genre have been anticipating this development for some time. In the utopian society of Marge Piercy’s acclaimed “Woman on the Edge of Time”, babies are gestated in mechanical brooders and men can breastfeed, allowing both sexes to “mother” children. One day, human babies could grow entirely in artificial wombs, changing our ideas about gender, family, and equality.

#6: Laboratory-Grown Genitals

Dr. Anthony Atala, a urological surgeon specializing in regenerative medicine, has engineered and successfully transplanted artificial bladders and vaginas. Since the organs are created from a patient’s own cells, there’s no risk of the body rejecting the transplant. Tissue engineering could completely revolutionize organ transplantation… and genitals. Atala is growing human penises in vats, and believes transplants will be possible very soon. His work provides hope for people with damaged reproductive organs, or who just want some new junk. Could designer genitalia be just around the corner?

#5: Male Contraceptive Medication

In 2016, the trial of an injectable male contraceptive was halted early due to side effects such as mood changes and acne… which, understandably, prompted women around the world to collectively roll their eyes. Many of the men reportedly actually thought the side effects were worth it, but researchers stopped the trial due to an unexpected and unexplained spike in these effects. Despite mixed results, numerous researchers are continuing to work on solutions for men, such as pills, topical gels, and perhaps most promising, one-time reversible injections, such as Vasalgel and RISUG. Regardless of which option hits the market first, they could finally balance out the burden of birth control.

#4: Teledildonics

Personal sex devices that connect via Bluetooth are providing new ways for couples to relate over long distances, and making porn interactive. A company known as Kiiroo already offers pairable sex toys that promise to let you “feel your lover from anywhere in the world”. This also has applications for pornography. In 2015 pornstar Lisa Ann held what was billed as “the world’s first virtual gangbang”, allowing male viewers to “feel her” by syncing their Kiiroo masturbators to her vibrator. For added intimacy, other companies have developed “hug shirts” and long-distance kissing devices. Teledildonics, paired with haptic suits, promise to make remote sex increasingly realistic.

#3: Virtual Reality

Virtual reality is becoming an increasingly common medium for pornography, with content available on many of the major sites. Add the aforementioned haptic suits and teledildonics, and you have everything you need for virtual sex, be it with actors, or avatars controlled by other people. In an interview with Playboy, Ray Kurzweil, director of engineering at Google, predicted that virtual sex will eventually become commonplace thanks to nanobot networks that will be installed into our brains. Some research projects suggest that VR also has the potential to increase empathy between the sexes. Be Another Lab’s Gender Swap experiment swapped male and female perspectives, while the YWCA in Montreal, Quebec, Canada has used VR to educate young people about consent.

#2: Augmented Reality

At the 2017 Facebook Developer Conference, CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced that the future of the company lies in augmented reality, in which digital images are superimposed onto the physical world. The company is working on smart glasses to help make AR a ubiquitous part of our lives. And futurists claim that this will greatly influence how we have sex. In the same aforementioned Playboy interview, Ray Kurzweil, predicts that we will one day be able to change how our partner looks, making them more attractive, or like someone completely different. Of course, AR also has interesting potential uses for dating apps.

#1: Sex Robots

Sex robots are on their way. Futurist Ian Pearson predicts that by 2050, we’ll have sex with robots more than with people. Seem far-fetched? A subsidiary of Abyss Creations has been working on a robotic head that attaches to their line of life-sized sex dolls. The head features a customizable personality storable on smartphones, thanks to 2017 app Harmony AI. And, a number of other companies are working on their own automated sex dolls. Some observers worry that sexbots will increase gender inequalities, while others believe they’ll reduce human prostitution and trafficking, blowing away the competition with uncanny abilities. Only time will tell just how drastically this will shape the future of sex culture.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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‘We have not had sex since the dog came into our lives’

— When pets affect human relationships

Pets can wield an outsized influence on relationship success.

From prophetic pooches to clingy cats, Guardian readers share tales of how pets have influenced their love lives, for better and worse

By

While humans have kept domesticated animals for tens of thousands of years, there’s no evidence that anyone was ever driven out of a cave to make room for a pampered pup.

But these days the connections we, and our partners, have with pets can make or break intimate relationships.

Whether they’re enriching, sabotaging or sounding the alarm on a union, pets can wield an outsized influence on relationship success. From terrorism to tenderness, readers share their stories.

Green flags (and red ones)

“I started dating a man when my dog was still a puppy. He wasn’t really a dog person and my dog is very attention-needy. When we were chatting at my table and she kept trying to get his attention for pats, I noticed he pushed her away with perhaps a bit more force than I was comfortable with. She retreated to my bed and when we made our way in there later, I noticed my dog had peed on my bed. It was enough to put him off and he left shortly. My dog had done this before when my sister’s ex-partner stayed. It seems my dog is an excellent judge of character, especially with men who tend to be ‘angry’.”
Kirsten, Melbourne, Australia

“I had two mini fox terriers that I adored like children. My partner at the time knew what these dogs meant to me. He organised a professional pet photographer to come to our house to take the most beautiful photos and had them framed. He presented them to me on my birthday. It was the best present I’ve received. While I’m no longer with that partner and my dogs have both passed, I still have these beautiful photo memories.”
Jenn, Hobart, Australia

“In the early days, seeing the way my now long-term boyfriend was with my two cats absolutely cemented that I had picked a caring person. More than three years later, I will still regularly enter a room to find the pillows arranged on the bed to give one cat ‘a nice rest for his head’, or my boyfriend squeezed on to a tiny strip of the couch so the cats can stretch out.”
Laura, Sydney, Australia

“I recently broke up with a bloke who couldn’t regularly stay over at my place because his (lovely) dog would be too lonely. I was understanding! But as the relationship progressed, we wanted to spend more time together. He invited me over to stay at his place. But when I got there, it became clear that he never mopped his floors, despite the dog living inside. I watched him pooper scoop without spray’ n’ wiping and felt my stomach churn. I broke it off within the week. I love dogs, but can’t stand poor hygiene.”
Anonymous, Sydney, Australia
Coming together

“I had maintained a friendship with a former work colleague who had recently moved interstate. She one day contacted me to say that she would be in town for a few days, and would I like to meet up? We had always gotten along well and so I agreed to an evening out. After a nice evening together we were saying our goodbyes when she suddenly said “I haven’t met your cat!”.

For context, my cat was well known to everyone in the office as I often talked about his antics. Anyway, as I lived close by I said sure, why don’t you come over to meet him? Being somewhat slow on the uptake I was puzzled on the drive home. Why would she want to meet my cat? I mean, of course, he was awesome, but it did seem a little odd …

Upon our arrival home the proper introductions were made and the real reason for my former colleague wanting to meet my cat was revealed. Needless to say I loved my cat even more after that night.”
Anonymous, Adelaide, Australia

“I spent over 10 years with a guy because I loved his dog. We tried to make it work for a long while after she passed away, but needless to say, she was the only thing we had in common.”
Anonymous, Maldives

“I was unsure about my partner but meeting his beautiful four-year-old lab Penny sealed the deal 12 years ago.”
David, Adelaide, Australia

“First let it be known that felines have always been the centre of my universe, and that I would rather live without a partner than without a cat, or multiplicity of them. When Marta and I got together, she didn’t care much for cats. I found that shocking as she was a hardcore animal rights activist – but perhaps her lack of interest made some kind of sense, as cats are quite good at advocating for themselves. At first she would shun my two cats when she came to visit, which I took as a sign we had no future. Some months into the relationship she agreed to catsit for me when I was out of town, and that didn’t go so well either.

Even though I was very much in love with her, I was quite disheartened by her lukewarm reports on the cats’ wellbeing, frequency of pooping and general mood, and her total inability to tell them apart, even though one was black and other tri-coloured. How would we ever move up the relationship escalator with her so fatally flawed? I took a big leap of faith and asked her to move in with me. And then, slowly, cunningly, I embarked on the manipulative mission. At bedtime, as she was already falling asleep, I’d reach for TS Eliot’s Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats and read it in a hypnotic voice. I created urgent situations to bring in and temporarily foster more cats, of more varied colours and ages.

What ultimately broke her was a pair of newborn kittens we found thrown in the trash and had to keep alive, bottle-feeding them every two hours for about six weeks until they were ready for a new home. The intense caring experience and catering to every little miaow turned her into a proper cat-crazy lesbian, and affirmed her decision never to have human children. Today, over a decade later, I can proudly say that Marta loves cats more than she loves me, which is all I ever wanted in a partner.”
Mima, Berlin, Germany

Forcing apart

“My husband had wanted a dog for a long time but I had resisted. On moving to the country in 2019 I stopped resisting and finally agreed to a puppy. She has become the love of my husband’s life. Our relationship has deteriorated romantically since, in fact we have not had a sex since she came into our lives. I do love her too and she is a beautiful dog, but feel I have paid a very heavy price.”
Anonymous, Australia

“Our dog (medium-sized, 15kg) sleeps in a dog bed on top of our bed, at our feet, but it means we’re each forced to the side of the bed. Cuddling below is almost impossible. Can’t say I’m impressed, but it’s been this way for four years and there’s nowhere else for the dog to go.”
Anonymous, Australia

“My cat used to scratch at the door when I was getting intimate with an ex. She wouldn’t stop. They didn’t like having her in the room (or sleeping with us!) and she really liked being in the room or on the bed. Another ex was allergic. My ex was lovely and tried to accommodate by taking antihistamines. My cat is no longer with us but I can’t let my neighbours’ curious cat into my apartmen, otherwise my current partner’s allergies go wild. I’ve now opted to just not ever have a cat. I’m cursed.”
Beth, Melbourne, Australia

“My boyfriend refuses to share a bed with my cat. My cat refuses to sleep anywhere but my bed. We now have to sleep in the spare room and she sleeps in my room. I am not sure what will happen if we move in together.”
Jess, Melbourne, Australia

Ending it all

“I was a uni student at the time, doing a science course. I had a friend who worked in the rat labs and she brought some baby rats home. So, I had a pet rat. One evening, in the throes of passion, my lover squealed in pain. He had been bitten on a soft part, by a small rat. That was a short lived relationship. Oh, OK, it was a short one-night stand.”
Anonymous, Australia

“My now ex-husband and my Siamese cat, Harry, vied for the alpha male position in the family. The battle was fierce. Harry would go into my husband’s study and strategically wee in various places. He did this in no other part of the house. I took Harry to an animal behaviourist who suggested I rehome Harry as, in her experience, these battles tend to drag on without resolution and ruin relationships. I was not prepared to do this (silly me), and yes, the battle continued.

The final straw occurred when my husband and I were enjoying a weekend holiday away in a spa resort. Everything was going well until I noticed a mark on my husband’s ankle, just above his bathroom slippers. Harry had pooed in my husband’s slippers, and the poor man was now wearing the consequences. Bad wife that I am, I laughed. Husband was not impressed. We divorced within the year and Harry stayed with me until his death. My ex-husband and I remain friends, and never refer to the fact that Harry won.”
Anonymous, Melbourne, Australia

“I broke up with a girlfriend because she said ‘it’s me or the cat’, and I immediately said ‘well that’s that, then’. Minky, the cat, had been with me about 15 years at that point and she was my first priority, which I’d told the girlfriend when we first started dating. The girlfriend seemed astonished! The decision really wasn’t about the cat, it was about a sign of something there might be more of. My current partner knows the story and the priority to both of us is cats over humans.”
Mark, Sydney, Australia

  • Quotes have been edited for structure, clarity and length

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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If You’re Only Interested In Hooking Up, Here’s How To Say So

— Because you’d rather head to the bedroom, not down the aisle.

By Elyssa Goodman

When it comes to dating, honesty and communication are considered the two biggest tools in creating and maintaining a successful relationship. And relationships, as we know, come in all different flavors. Casual sex is of course one of them.

So why is it that when the relationship doesn’t necessarily appear to be headed down the aisle, and instead just toward the bedroom, sometimes people can freak out? Well, sex is delicate and personal for a lot of people, and it’s important to tread thoughtfully when you’re seeking something casual.

If you’re honest and directly ask a girl for sex, you might turn her off — or worse, offend her. But if you lie and put on a big show with dinner dates and flowers, then completely drop the other person after you hook up, you run the risk of hurting them.

So what’s a good way of telling someone, “I’m not looking for anything serious, just a sexual relationship,” without being offensive? How do you ask a girl for sex without being creepy? How do you tell a guy you just want casual sex? It all comes back to communication: how and what you say, and when you say it, matters. We spoke to Miss Couple, Bedroom and Sexual Empowerment Coach, to learn about developing more casual relationships. Here are a few ways to get to the point without resorting to trickery.

Understand What Kind Of Casual Sex You Want

“Something casual” can mean a lot of different things to different people, so make sure not only that your potential bedmate knows what you mean, but that you know what you mean. “Casual dating is often but not always non-exclusive, however it does not automatically imply non-monogamy — many polyamorous people have both casual and more emotionally attached partners,” Couple says. “Typically, casual dating is a connection that you pursue for fun, not commitment. Relationship labels like ‘partner’ or ‘girlfriend/boyfriend’ are absent from these dynamics.” You can also casually date someone without having sex with them. “Relationships are all about the art of giving and receiving,” Couple says, and this includes casual sex.

So when you want to know how to ask a girl to hook up or ask a guy to hook up, you need to pinpoint your own desires first. This involves asking yourself some questions. “What are you willing to give and what do you want to receive?” Couple asks. “Do you feel that the dynamic that you’re setting up is fair and balanced?”

You should also know why you’re seeking casual sex. If it’s for fun and pleasure, great! If it’s to heal yourself in some way, it’s better to take a step back. “If you are having casual sex because you are trying to get rid of some negative emotions, or you are wanting to feel some positive emotion, it probably won’t turn out good for you,” wrote Dr. Ryan Anderson in Psychology Today.

“I think that if you’re interested in a casual relationship, you should be upfront about that as soon as possible,” Couple says. “Casual dating means different things to different people, so getting very clear about what your needs, desires, and boundaries are is imperative.”

Couple details how you can figure these out for yourself in three steps. The first, she says, is determining what you need emotionally. “Emotional needs such as affection, acceptance, autonomy, empathy, trust, prioritization…etc. are really important to consider and clarify for yourself,” she says. “What are you truly looking for? What bar does someone have to reach in order for you to feel emotionally cared for and satisfied?”

Next, understand your desires — “What things would make the dynamic more enjoyable for you, but aren’t deal breakers?” she asks — as well as your boundaries. “What boundaries do you want to set? In addition to personal boundaries about your body and personal space, boundaries around friends, family, and especially social media are very important in casual dynamics.”

Talk Frankly About Casual Sex

When you know what you need, a discussion is necessary. To do this, Couple says, “Use ‘I’ statements to communicate what you’re looking for, and ask the other person if what you’re describing is a dynamic they might be interested in participating in.” Be clear, and know that they might say no. “If someone says no to a casual sexual dynamic, it’s probably because they’re looking for a more serious commitment or they feel like it will be too painful for them to engage in a sexual dynamic without that type of commitment,” Couple says. “Respect their boundary and wish them the best on their search for a more committed relationship!”

Fear of rejection is natural. Who wants to get shot down? But the reality is, there are going to be people who aren’t going to be down for what you’re offering. It sucks, but eventually there will be someone out there who wants what you want.

And If You’re Being Asked For Casual Sex…

An important part of this dynamic to note is when you’re the person being approached for casual sex. If this is not something that you want, simply say no. You’ll save both yourself and the asker a lot of trouble and drama. “I think the biggest mistake that people make with casual sexual dynamics is agreeing to them even though they want something more serious, thinking the other party will eventually come around,” Couple says. “This is manipulative and unfair. If you want something that the other person isn’t offering, then the dynamic isn’t for you.” And it’s OK to walk away and find something you do want.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How Long Is Too Long Without Sex in a Relationship?

— The answer is…complicated.

By Kayla Blanton

If you and your significant other suddenly feel a bit distant—whether it’s due to a post-honeymoon dip in excitement or the wedge of chaotic work schedules—it’s easy to spiral about the relationship’s fate, and Google: How long is too long to go without sex? There, you’ll find plenty of articles that attempt to answer your question—including this one—but the reality is, there is no way to hack to the nuanced form of connection that is human sexuality.

Meet the Experts: Juliana Hauser, Ph.D., a sex and marriage therapist and member of Kindra’s Advisory Board and Tatiana Rivera, L.I.C.S.W., a clinical and social work therapist with ADHDAdvisor.org.

Sex is one of the most universal pillars of well-being and relationships. It contributes to emotional intimacy, bonding, and “overall life satisfaction,” explains Juliana Hauser, Ph.D., a sex and marriage therapist and member of Kindra’s Advisory Board. However, the importance of sex—and what it looks like—varies among individuals and couples.

Still, with the help of experts, we took our best crack at better understanding dry spells, not wanting sex, or even wanting sex at different times. Keep reading for tips on how to enhance sexual connection, and to for our answer the ever-elusive existential question:

How long is too long without sex in a relationship?

“I don’t believe there’s a universal timeline,” says Hauser. “Every relationship is unique, and factors like life changes, overall stress, time constraints, physical and mental health, and communication styles, among many other factors, all play into the opportunity and desire for sexual connection.”

As a sex and relationship therapist, Hauser adds that she’s seen a variety of timelines work for her clients. “If there is mutual satisfaction within the relationship, there’s no arbitrary time frame that defines a healthy sexual connection,” she says.

On the flip side, Tatiana Rivera, L.I.C.S.W., a clinical and social work therapist with ADHDAdvisor.org says if she had to put parameters around it, on average, a “dry spell” could be defined as going without sex or any form of sexual contact for two to six months. But Hauser prefers not to use the term “dry spell” at all, “as it can use feelings of guilt, shame, or inadequacy, which only makes things worse,” she says, adding: “I see a lack of sexual connection in a relationship as a concern only when it causes distress or dissatisfaction for one or both partners.”

An important sidebar: Hauser prefers the term “sexual connection” as opposed to just “sex” when having this discussion, because there are many ways to engage in it outside of penetrative sex, “such as giving each other massages, a passionate kiss, sensual snuggling, and more,” she says. “In many cases, having long talks beneath the covers or sharing a deep conversation over dinner can feel incredibly sexually stimulating and that all counts in my book.”

Hauser continues: “What’s important is to define what each person needs to feel an intimate connection and to be intentional about cultivating those moments.” The catch is, those needs will likely be ever-changing. “What feels connected and intimate one week may look different the next, and committing to the journey with your partner while keeping communication front and center is more important than the acts themselves,” she adds.

How much sex is healthy in a relationship?

“It’s perfectly normal and expected for sexual patterns and frequency to change over time,” says Hauser. However, as a frame of reference, one 2017 study found that the average adult had sex 54 times per year, which is about once a week. Another 2015 study found that near-weekly frequency led to the greatest happiness in couples. “There are many scientific investigations establishing that healthy intimacy occurs two to three times a week,” adds Rivera.

If your sex life doesn’t match up to these numbers, you shouldn’t feel behind, because, again, every couple is different. “Couples I admire and believe are mutually supportive of each other, while maintaining a strong sense of self, find a balance that fulfills both partners’ needs and desires, and encourages and supports an open dialogue,” Hauser says.

Reasons you’re not having sex

Dips in libido can often be attributed to work, family, health, or life changes like menopause, explains Hauser. “What matters most is the quality of intimacy and the emotional connection shared by the couple,” she adds.

How to improve your sex life

If your quality of life becomes affected by a fluctuating sex life, Hauser and Rivera say it’s a good idea to create a plan of action. Here are some of their tips:

Communicate openly

If you’re dissatisfied sexually, your partner can’t know that unless you verbalize it, which, yes, is easier said than done. “What I find to be essential is open and honest communication about desires, needs, and expectations,” says Hauser. If you’re on the receiving end of concerns, it’s also important to show patience, empathy, and understanding, while also advocating for your needs, she adds.

Try the four quadrants exercise

One of Hauser’s favorite exercises for communication about sex is what she calls the four quadrants exercise, which can help you explore your sexual fantasies as a couple. Divide a piece of paper into four and label the quadrants as follows: 1. Things I have done and would like to do again, 2. Things I have done once and would not do again, 3. Things I have not done and would like to try, 4. Things I have not done and do not want to try.

“Fill it out separately, then discuss your lists together. Keep an open mind and maybe you’ll feel excited about trying something new, or can agree to discontinue something you both aren’t enjoying,” she says.

Tap into all of your senses

Again, sexual connection doesn’t always have to look a specific way. “I love guiding clients to explore their senses and sensuality outside of traditional sexual connection in order to reboot,” says Hauser. “Think of the senses you have access to and incorporate time in your day to reconnect with the smells, tastes, and sights that bring you joy, that keep you in the present moment, and that light you up. It’s amazing how powerful this practice can be.”

Develop a sexual toolbox

Kindra-Harris poll that surveyed women over 50 found that more than half of them keep a “sexual toolbox” equipped with lubricants, toys, and other products that help make sex as enjoyable and pleasurable as possible. “Menopause is one of the most common causes of a ‘dry spell’ in a couple’s relationship,” says Hauser. “Over half of women experience vaginal dryness after menopause, which can make sexual connection downright painful. If this resonates, I’d recommend trying a daily vaginal moisturizer like Kindra’s Daily Vaginal Lotion, as well as a lubricant during intimacy.”

Seek out a sex therapist

Lastly, if you try all of the above and a lack of intimacy persists, becoming a source of frustration, Hauser recommends seeking guidance from a sex therapist or other professional who can provide valuable insights catered to your relationship.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Understanding The Science Of Attraction

— The sensation of attraction in those who experience it can feel powerful and mysterious, but researchers have learned some illuminating things about how it works.

By BetterHelp Editorial Team

The feeling of being attracted to someone involves your physical senses, your hormones, your nerves, and even your immune system. It can be sparked by a wide variety of cues, from the shape of another person’s face to the particular way they smell. Keep reading for a more detailed look at what science can tell us about the factors that may draw two people who experience romantic and/or sexual attraction together.

The Science Of Attraction: The Basics

To start, let’s take a closer look at what’s actually happening in your body when you feel that first rush of attraction to someone else. The initial surge of excitement appears to involve a complex balancing act between the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems. The sympathetic system is the “fight-or-flight” mechanism, and it’s what makes your heart race and your pulse pound when you’re looking at someone you desire.

Research suggests that a moderate amount of sympathetic nervous activity may be necessary for the initial stages of arousal, but that too much or too little can suppress desire. This might explain why watching a scary movie when you know you’re safe can be a fun date night, or why activities that make your heart race can increase feelings of attraction. The parasympathetic system, then, is more associated with relaxation and pleasure. It’s involved in many of the physical changes in the body during sex, such as genital swelling and releasing of sexual fluids.

The early stages of arousal also often cause your blood to pump faster and your pupils to dilate. They may increase your skin’s conductivity too, which is perhaps why attraction can feel so electric. Then, as two people become better acquainted and their intimacy deepens, dopamine-mediated pathways in their brains may become more active. These systems are associated with rewards, habit formation, and even addiction, and they may be what prompts people who are falling in love to obsess over their partners and feel a rush of pleasure just from being near them.

Specific Factors Involved In Attraction

Extensive research has been done into why people are more attracted to some individuals than others. While there’s still plenty to learn, you can read on for an overview of some key research in this area.

The Role Of Immediate First Impressions

We’ve all seen cartoons or movies where a person spots someone they find good-looking and their jaw drops and eyes widen, conveying instant attraction. Though it doesn’t normally happen quite like this, research suggests that our brains do make very rapid judgments about who we find attractive.

In a study conducted at Trinity College in Dublin, researchers briefly showed participants images of possible dating partners. Later, they were given the opportunity to actually interact with the people in the photos during a speed-dating event. Their snap judgments during the four seconds they spent looking at the photos turned out to be good predictors of who they would go on to click with in conversation.

Brain scans pointed to two areas that seemed critical for making these judgments about attractiveness. One is a structure called the paracingulate cortex, which appears to be involved in social evaluation. It tended to light up when viewing photos of people that the majority of participants rated as attractive. Another area, the rostromedial prefrontal cortex, seemed to activate more for people that weren’t attractive to the majority but sparked a particular viewer’s interest.

The Role Of Eye Contact

While a quick glance at another person’s face may be enough to spark attraction, a long, soulful gaze may be important for deepening it. Prolonged eye contact can provoke an experience of intimacy and vulnerability that may be important in forming interpersonal bonds. In a pair of studies conducted in the 1980s, one found that those who exchanged a mutual, unbroken gaze with a participant they didn’t know for two minutes reported a “greater liking” of them than any of the other subjects. The other indicated that existing romantic partners who were assigned the same task reported a “significant increase in feelings of passionate love, dispositional love, and liking for their partner”.

In a related study, researcher Arthur Aron developed a series of 36 increasingly intimate questions that a pair of strangers could ask one another to generate a sense of closeness, which they were to follow by four minutes of prolonged, silent eye contact. His goal was to figure out how to craft the sense of intimacy that can make strangers fall in love. In this initial study, participants left with more positive feelings for each other—and one pair famously went on to get married.

The Role Of Scents

There seems to be a lot more to the science of attraction than visual appeal; smell appears to be another important piece of the puzzle.

Research suggests that, while humans were long considered to have an underdeveloped sense of smell compared to many animals, pheromones may actually play “an important role in the behavioral and reproduction biology of humans”.

Pheromones are chemicals humans naturally secrete that may serve as a form of “olfactory communication”, especially when it comes to attraction.

For instance, androstadienone, a compound present in male sweat, seemed to improve the mood, emotional focus, and sexual arousal of heterosexual women in some experiments. Meanwhile, chemicals called copulins that are found in vaginal secretions seem to provoke higher ratings of female attractiveness to heterosexual males. Copulins also caused men to rate themselves as more attractive to women, suggesting that they might play a role as confidence boosters.

>Another potential component of scent-based attraction may be the immune system. Some studies have indicated that heterosexual women may be more likely to be attracted to the body odor of men whose genes for certain types of immune cells are different from their own. There could be an evolutionary advantage in this behavior, because a child with more diversity in their immune system may be able to fight off a greater variety of diseases.

Attraction And Fertility

From an evolutionary perspective, all sexual behavior is aimed at producing offspring. That may be why studies have found that people of multiple genders find women’s faces more attractive when they’re ovulating. There appear to be subtle changes in appearance associated with this part of the menstrual cycle that can be detected even in photos. Another experiment showed a similar effect on body odor, with men preferring the smell of women’s clothes during the most fertile part of their cycles. Even women’s voices may shift during ovulation, sounding more attractive to heterosexual men.

Similarly, experiments suggest that women’s preferences for more masculine facial shapes and their corresponding body odors change with their cycle. Heterosexual women might be more likely to feel attraction in response to symmetrical faces and masculine-coded looks when their fertility is at its peak. However, these preferences appeared to be strongest when considering people for short-term relationships; fertility didn’t appear to have an effect on perceptions of possible long-term partners.

If the menstrual cycle can affect perceptions of attractiveness, however, can birth control pills do the same? There is some evidence that by changing the body chemistry of ovulation and menstruation, hormonal birth control can affect a person’s preferences for romantic partners. Scientific evidence on the topic includes:

  • Its effects on facial feature selection: A study of 170 heterosexual couples found that women taking birth control pills were more likely to pair up with men whose faces were less stereotypically masculine. 
  • Its effects on selection for body odor: Other experiments found that heterosexual women’s preferences for male body odor depended on whether they were using hormonal contraception. 
  • Its effects on sexual satisfaction: There’s even evidence suggesting that some women who start or stop using birth control pills during a relationship could be more likely to become less sexually satisfied and less attracted to their current partner.

Getting Support For Your Romantic Life

If you’re facing challenges in dating or in your romantic relationships, you may benefit from professional support. Many people find that meeting with a therapist is a helpful way to uncover patterns of attraction, sort through emotions related to a partner, and develop useful dating and relationship skills such as boundary setting and conflict resolution. A cognitive behavioral therapist in particular can also help you unearth any distorted thoughts you may have about your own attractiveness or ability to form relationships and shift them in a healthier direction for better potential outcomes.

If the thought of meeting with a provider in person for support with your romantic life seems awkward or intimidating, you might consider seeking guidance virtually instead. With a virtual therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed provider who you can meet with via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging from the comfort of your home. Since a comprehensive analysis of past studies including more than 10,000 participants concluded that there was “no difference in effectiveness” between face-to-face and web-based counseling, you can feel confident in whichever method you choose.

Takeaway

Romantic and sexual attraction may involve countless subtle factors, from the sound of a person’s voice to the makeup of their immune system. The initial spark can happen in a matter of seconds, while lasting intimacy and compatibility take more time to develop.

Why do I feel so drawn to someone I barely know?

Although “love at first sight” may not always happen in real life, scientific research has found that we tend to judge people’s attractiveness quickly based on first impressions. For example, in the Trinity College study mentioned earlier in this article, scientists led an experiment to study the role of first impressions in attraction. They briefly showed participants pictures of potential partners before letting them interact at a speed dating event. They found that people’s brain activity from seeing the photos for just four seconds tended to predict who they would connect with during the actual date. This may explain why it’s possible to feel instantly attracted to someone you don’t know very well.

What causes strong physical attraction?

Certain features of people’s bodies, like facial symmetry and youthfulness, can play a role in physical attraction, but physical beauty is not the only component. Chemicals like sex hormones, pheromones, and neurotransmitters can also cause you to become physically attracted to someone. Although these factors may not be consciously noticeable, they can play a large role in sexual desire and perceptions of physical attractiveness.

Can you sense when someone is attracted to you?

Although there may not always be an easy way to tell if someone finds you attractive, a few physical cues that may be signs of interest include:

  • Using open body language
  • Maintaining eye contact
  • Seeking physical touch
  • Smiling
  • Asking you about yourself
  • Looking for ways to spend more time with you

That said, it can be important to avoid making assumptions about someone’s interest, as different people may show attraction in different ways.

How do you know if you’re actually attracted to someone?

Some common physical signs that you may be attracted to someone include:

  • Jitters or restlessness
  • Blushing
  • Sweating
  • A rise in body temperature
  • Rapid breathing or a rapid heartbeat

If you’re attracted to someone, you may also experience feelings of anticipation or excitement. You might notice a desire to spend more time with them or find yourself thinking about them often. Spending more time with them can also provide insight into your level of attraction. That said, not everyone may experience attraction the same way.

What happens in your brain when you are attracted to someone?

When you’re attracted to someone, certain brain regions, like the hypothalamus, the nucleus accumbens, and the ventral tegmental area, tend to activate. This can cause the release of oxytocin, the so-called “cuddle hormone,” and other chemicals related to physical desire and sexual gratification. Growing closer to someone can also trigger dopamine release, leading to feelings of pleasure and making you want to spend more time with them. Serotonin and norepinephrine, two other chemicals, may be responsible for the sense of well-being and excitement you might feel when you’re together.

These are just a few examples of the role the brain can play in attraction.

Why do we fall in love scientifically?

A complex set of factors can contribute to feelings of romantic love.

It may be worth remembering that humans originally evolved to find romantic partners to reproduce and raise offspring with. Therefore, initial attraction is often tied to a partner’s fertility and the survival chances of their potential offspring.

Through spending time with a possible partner and getting to know them better, other factors may come into play, such as personality traits, interests, and common principles. Hormones, pheromones, cultural norms, and timing may also play a role over the course of a romantic relationship. That said, love can be highly individual, and not all these factors may affect people the same way.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How To Have Multiple Orgasms

— 9 Tips For Women

Got any evening plans?

By

For many women, having one orgasm during sex can be an uphill battle, so the idea of achieving multiple orgasms might seem like the stuff of fiction.

But sex expert Tracey Cox said women are more than able to have multiples. “Because women don’t fall to the post-orgasm resolution phase as quickly as a man does, it’s easier for us to climb back up and have further orgasms in succession,” she told HuffPost UK.

Because we hate feeling left out, and don’t want to wait for National Orgasm Day (31 July), we asked experts how to improve the chances of having multiple orgasms.

1. Do your Kegel exercises.

Disappointingly, having mind-blowing orgasms isn’t all just about having sex and will require a little bit of groundwork before you get to reap the rewards, including doing regular Kegel exercises.

Cox said: “Like the rest of your body, if your pelvic floor muscle is toned and fit, it works better, pumping even more blood to the pelvis (which is great for arousal) and making stronger contractions – giving longer, more intense orgasms.

“Simply squeeze the muscle you use to hold back urine, hold it for two seconds, then release. Do this 20 times, three times per day.”

2. Do work on ‘peaking’ techniques.

They say good things come to those who wait, and no more so than those who don’t just rush straight into an orgasm. Instead, teach yourself to plateau and gradually build to the final moment, rather than rushing ahead.

Cox said: “Peaking involves taking yourself almost to the point of orgasm, waiting for your arousal to subside, then climbing back up again. This trains you to stay in a high state of excitement, following a ‘wave-like’ orgasm pattern, rather than one which starts at the bottom and steadily climbs higher.

“Not only does this optimise the release of endorphins, but it teaches your body to stay in a practically permanent orgasmic pleasure zone, able to orgasm over and over.”

3. Do develop orgasm triggers.

You might think that having sex is your orgasm trigger, but that’s not quite what we mean. Instead learn about the smaller signs that indicate you’re about to have an orgasm, such as your breathing. The more warning your brain gets, the more it will be able to summon the response when you want it.

Tracey Cox said: “Focus on what you naturally do on approach to orgasm, then exaggerate it. If you breathe heavier and faster, breathe even heavier the next time you’re about to climax. If you notice you tense your toes and throw your head back, do that.

“Get to the point where your brain thinks ‘aha deep heavy breathing combined with toe flexing means she’s about to orgasm’! Better get cracking then and make it happen!”

4. Don’t rush into it.

When you think you’re ready to start trying to have multiple orgasms with your partner (or by yourself) remember the golden rule – don’t rush it. For example, you could slowly apply lube to your partner and slowly start again, being aware if your partner is in any discomfort.

Ann Summers’ sex expert Eve Fifer said: “Your body will be much more sensitive after your first orgasm, which means carrying on with heavy stimulation straight away can be painful. And we don’t want that.”

5. Do use different stimulation.

No one likes to be bored in bed, especially your brain. And if you’re expecting yourself to orgasm again and again with the same stimuli then you’re probably going to be disappointed, so mix it up a bit.

“If you have your first via intercourse, you’ve got more chance having another through oral sex than through more penetrative sex,” said Cox.

“A third might be achievable through you masturbating yourself – it’s going to be the hardest to have, so call in the expert (you).”

6. Do take a moment to relax.

There is a big difference between taking a moment to relax between orgasms and just letting your body switch off and go to sleep. Of course it is important to give yourself a brief moment of relaxation (this isn’t meant to be a military boot camp) but stay in the moment and don’t drift away.

“This is what mindfulness is all about,” Fifer added. “Keep your head full of distinctly inappropriate thoughts.”

7. Don’t forget to breathe.

As with relaxing, don’t get so fixated on your orgasm goal that you forget to breathe properly, as this can play a massive part in your likelihood of reaching orgasm for a second or third time.

Cox said: “Some experts say holding your breath on orgasm heightens the sensation, others say if you starve your brain of oxygen, it forces oxygen-giving blood to flow toward it and away from your genitals.

“Continuing to breathe deeply through orgasm is recommended by spiritual sex devotees who claim it means you’re more likely to be able to have a second one.”

8. Don’t forget your partner.

In the midst of all this female orgasm chat, it’s important not to neglect whoever you are in bed with, especially as they may have already had their orgasm and not be feeling in the mood for round two.

“At the end of the day, a woman’s capacity to experience [multiple orgasms], depends on how relaxed and in tune with her body she is, how motivated her partner is, and how little they both have to do,” said Suzi Godson, sex and relationships columnist for The Times.

9. Do remember that practice makes perfect.

As with all things in life, if you want to get good, you’re going to have to put in some practice beforehand.

Fifer said: “Each orgasm will feel more intense than the one before it, and the more you practice the easier you’ll find it to reach the second, and third, and fourth.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Google reveals top sex questions people asked in 2023

By Emily Brown

Google has revealed the top sex questions people asked this year – and it’s made me slightly concerned for everyone who lived before the internet.

Honestly, what the hell did people do before its creation?

You’re telling me they nipped over to the local library and scanned the shelves to find out the answers to their explicit questions?

I don’t think so.

But of course, with the creation of the internet also comes data that can be stored and analysed, allowing Google to come up with the very list we’re reporting on today.

It might be embarrassing to think about how Google probably knows exactly whether you’re among the people asking these questions, but at least you’ll know you’re not alone.

So, let’s get on with it shall we?

10 – How do fish have sex?

I bet that’s not where you thought we’d be starting, is it? But it’s a valid enough question, even if it’s never crossed your mind before.

If you’re curious now, I can tell you that fish apparently aren’t so bothered about having sex as they are with reproducing.

Spawning fish get themselves into what’s known as a ‘nuptial embrace’, where the male wraps his body around the female and releases milt into the water, while the female releases eggs which are then immediately fertilized.

Fish are more bothered about having babies than getting busy. Credit: Pixabay
Fish are more bothered about having babies than getting busy.

9 – Why do I have no sex drive female

There are a number of things that can lower your sex drive as a woman, including relationship problems, stress, anxiety or depression, sexual problems, pregnancy, medicines and hormonal contraception.

If you’re worried about low sex drive, you can get in touch with your GP for advice.

8 – What is anal sex?

Loads of you might be clued up on exactly what anal sex is, but clearly there are a lot of people still out there wondering.

To put it simply, anal sex involves penetration of the anus, rather than the vagina.

You wouldn't want to ask about anal sex in a library. Credit: Pixabay
You wouldn’t want to ask about anal sex in a library.

7 – How long after a miscarriage can you have sex?

As well as dealing with the emotional effects of miscarriage, there are also a number of physical effects which can impact sex.

People may bleed for a period of time following a miscarriage, during which time

the cervix is dilated wider than normal, making it more prone to infection.

To help ensure you can carry out healthy sex, doctors recommend waiting at least two weeks after miscarriage before inserting anything into the vagina.

6 – How many calories do you burn during sex?

Is it possible to really get a good workout from pleasure?

Research indicates that you can at least equate some fun in the bedroom to light exercise – with one study conducted by the University of Quebec at Montreal revealing that men burned an average of 101 calories in 24 minutes, while women burned 69 calories.

No, I’m not making that number up.

Sex can be considered light exercise. Credit: Pexels
Sex can be considered light exercise.

5 – How many dates should you go on before having sex?

Ah, the age-old question. What is the perfect number? Some live by the three-date rule, while others want to wait until they hit four or five.

Ultimately, it comes down to your own preferences; when you’re ready, whether you actually still like the person after a few dates, and whether you actually want to have sex with them.

4 – Why do I bleed after having sex?

The NHS states there are a number of reasons women may bleed after having sex, including an infection, vaginal dryness or damage to the vagina.

In rare instances, bleeding after sex can be a sign of cervical or vaginal cancer.

If you’re concerned, contact your GP for advice.

3 – What is sex positivity?

There are varying definitions of sex positivity, but generally it’s about openness and appreciation of sex, including sexual orientations, interests, identities and expressions.

Embrace and enjoy it!

Sex positivity is about embracing and appreciating sex. Credit: Pexels
Sex positivity is about embracing and appreciating sex.

2 – Can you have sex when pregnant?

There have been a few jokes made on TV and in films about whether the baby could be impacted by the sudden appearance of an unexpected guest in the vagina, but I can assure you that, unless you’ve been specifically advised by a doctor or midwife to avoid sex, the baby will be fine.

A penis or toy wouldn’t penetrate beyond the vagina, meaning having sex is perfectly safe.

1 – What is speed bump sex position?

Here we are, at the most Googled sex question of 2023. I’m surprised positions didn’t come up sooner, but everyone’s clearly spent this year focused on one in particular.

So, what is the speed bump?

Popularized by Love Island star Tom Clare after he mentioned it on the show, the speed bump involves one person putting a pillow under their hips before lying face down.

The pillow forms the so-called ‘speed bump’, though I’m not sure how effective it is at getting people to slow down.

So there you have it, you’ve managed to learn the answers to the year’s top sex questions without becoming a Google statistic.

You’re welcome.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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6 things we learned about sexual health this year

By Kaitlin Reilly

Sexual health is health — and, boy, did we learn a lot about it this year. After spending 2023 diving into studies, surveys and even pop culture moments that focused on all things sex, I’ve concluded that there’s always more to know about the more intimate side of our lives. Sometimes the things we learned may have felt a little TMI — like, say, the role Christmas ornaments have as potential sex toys. Most of the time, however, the stuff we learned about sex was pretty groundbreaking, such as how there are two types of desire, and neither is wrong.

Here’s a wrap-up of the top six things we learned about sex this year — and here’s to many more fun, sexy facts in the new year.

1. Many women keep a ‘sexual toolbox’

You may not find it at Home Depot, but more than half of menopausal women ages 50 and over who were asked about their sex lives in a September Kindra-Harris poll said that they kept a “sexual toolbox” to make intercourse more pleasurable. These products include lubricants, as well as vibrators, both of which can make sex more fun and comfortable, especially as many menopausal women experience vaginal dryness and other pain during sex, medically known as dyspareunia.

And speaking of lubricant — you may want to be careful about what you put in your own toolbox. If you are using condoms, whether that’s with a sex toy or partner, you should never use oil-based lube, as it can “destroy the integrity of latex condoms,” women’s health expert Dr. Jennifer Wider tells Yahoo Life.

You don’t have to be menopausal to benefit from lube either. “A myth surrounding lube is that people only use lube when something is not quite working correctly,” says Dr. Laura Purdy, chief medical officer at Wisp. “This couldn’t be further from the truth. Many people use lube to make things feel more natural, and lube can be your best friend during sex.”

2. There are 2 types of desire — and neither is wrong

In movies (and, of course, porn) all it takes is someone looking at their partner for Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” to start playing. In real life, sexual psychologist Laurie Mintz says that’s not exactly how things work — at least, not most of the time, and especially not for people in long-term relationships. That’s because there are two types of desire: “spontaneous desire,” which is when you feel aroused pretty much immediately, and “responsive desire,” which means you need some kind of stimulation in order to put yourself in a sexy mood.

“With this type of desire, one doesn’t wait to be horny to have sex, but has sex to get horny,” Mintz says, which means that “the desire follows the arousal, versus the reverse.”

Obviously, there are times when sex is completely off the table between two consenting adults — headaches and new episodes of The Golden Bachelor do exist, after all. However, these two kinds of desire may take some of the pressure off people who may feel like they have a lower libido simply because they don’t feel spontaneously sexual.

Instead of making yourself feel bad because you can’t go zero to 60, try engaging in things that make you feel in the mood before you get to your sexual main event, whether that’s masturbating, kissing your partner or even just relaxing and thinking about sex in the hours leading up to a planned encounter.

3. Young people are having less sex than their parents did at their age

Teen rates of sexual intercourse are declining, according to a 2023 published survey from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The survey found that only 30% of teens in 2021 said they ever had sexual intercourse, down from 38% in 2019. While, yes, the COVID-19 pandemic did likely have something to do with the declining rates (it’s a little hard to socially distance during sex), some experts think there may be other reasons for the decline, such as more teens identifying as LGBTQ and engaging in sex acts that don’t necessarily involve intercourse.

It’s also possible that young people just aren’t growing up as fast as they once did. Jean Twenge, a San Diego State University psychology professor who reviewed the data for her book Generations, told the Los Angeles Times that more young people are living at home longer and delaying things like getting their driver’s license and going to college — which may also affect their sex life.

“In times and places where people live longer and education takes longer, the whole developmental trajectory slows down,” she said. “And so for teens and young adults, one place that you’re going to notice that is in terms of dating and romantic relationships and sexuality.”

4. People are using strange seasonal things as sex toys

TikTokers love to review the holiday items at Target each year, but Dr. Adam Gaston, an internal medicine physician since 2021, went viral on the platform for a different reason: by reminding his followers not to put said Christmas decor any place it “doesn’t belong.” Sure, that Christmas tree ornament may not be shaped all that differently from a dildo, but spending the holidays in an emergency room because glass broke inside your rectum or vagina is ho-ho-horrific.

Of course, it’s not just the holiday season that gets people hot, bothered and making bad decisions about what to use for sexual gratification: A 2013 case study revealed that things like ballpoint pens, a tea glass and even an eggplant were found in the rectum of different men, so really, why wouldn’t a Christmas ornament be on deck too?

Place those ornaments on your tree and add a silicone-based sex toy on your holiday wish list.

5. Libido gummies (probably) don’t work — at least not how you think

Popping a supplement or chewing on a gummy won’t make you instantly hot and bothered, even as more and more companies are selling libido gummies that claim to put women in the mood for love.

The jury is out on these products, says Dr. Tiffany Pham, an ob-gyn and a medical adviser for female health app Flo Health, as there is “a lack of robust research into the claims behind these supplements,” even as some individual ingredients show promise.

But that’s not the only reason they’re unlikely to be the sole solution for low libido for women: Libido involves more than just physical function and can be affected by everything from stress to past trauma to the connection one has with a partner. If you’re really struggling with a lack of desire, talking with a sex therapist will likely do way more than an over-the-counter supplement. And if you are curious about taking something to boost your libido, make sure to talk to your doctor, who can tell you if it’s safe to explore.

6. Dry orgasms are a thing for men

And Just Like That may be lacking the sex part of its predecessor’s name, but there’s still plenty of sex in the city for Carrie Bradshaw and her friends. In a 2023 episode, Charlotte and her husband, Harry, are having sex when Harry orgasms — only for no semen to come out. After consulting with a doctor, the couple learns he experienced a retrograde orgasm, or a dry orgasm, which occurs when semen enters the bladder instead of exiting through the penis, leading to little to no ejaculation. While Harry is instructed to do kegels — leading to Charlotte training him in the famed pelvic floor exercise — urologist Dr. Fenwa Milhouse told Insider that advice won’t help. Dry orgasms are typically a nerve issue and often caused by certain medications, like ones taken for diabetes, as well as pelvic injuries.

“It’s not dangerous. It’s not detrimental to the person’s body, but it can interfere with fertility because the semen isn’t getting where it needs to be, which is being deposited into the partner’s vagina,” Milhouse told Insider.

Bonus: Here’s how you find your G-spot (which may not be a ‘spot,’ after all)

Ah, the G-spot. If you’re a person with a vagina and have always found this famed alleged center of pleasure elusive, Martha Kempner’s breakdown of the G-spot includes where to find it. The G-spot is on the front wall of the vagina, nearly two inches in. Also worth noting? The G-spot may not be a spot at all but more of a zone, as, according to a 2022 article, there are actually “five separate erotogenic tissues that function in a similar way to the G-spot.”

One theory why stimulating the G-spot feels so good is that people are stimulating the clitorourethrovaginal (CUV) complex, which includes interactions between the clitoris, urethra and uterus, says Debby Herbenick, director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University and author of Read My Lips. A come-hither motion with two (well-lubed!) fingers should do the trick.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is Your Libido Normal?

— Experts Explain How It Can Change

By Karen Robock

There may be some times in your life when you feel as if you want to torch the sheets with your partner every night, and other times when the sexiest thing you can imagine is binge- watching baking shows. Or maybe you have sex every week or two and don’t miss it when you don’t. Meanwhile, you hear about friends who are at it every day, and think, What’s wrong with me?<

Meet the experts: Laurie Mintz, Ph.D., sex therapist and emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Florida; Susan S. Khalil, M.D., director of the Division of Sexual Health at Mount Sinai in New York City; Sally MacPhedran, M.D., director of the Women’s Sexual Health Center at MetroHealth Medical Center in Cleveland; Tami Rowen, M.D., an ob/gyn and an associate professor at the University of California San Francisco; Tameca Harris-Jackson, Ph.D., a sex therapist and director of Hope & Serenity Health Services in Altamonte Springs, FL

Well, we are here to tell you that the answer is, probably nothing. Libido, a.k.a. sex drive or sexual desire, “is multifaceted and multi- determined, encompassing biological, medical, familial, cultural, relational, and individual factors,” says sex therapist Laurie Mintz, Ph.D., an emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Florida and the author of Becoming Cliterate. With all those influences on whether you’re motivated to have sex, it makes sense that your drive can ebb and flow, even throughout a week or month (indeed, for premenopausal women, monthly cycles affect libido).

And certainly libido can vary through the broader phases of your life, says Susan S. Khalil, M.D., director of the Division of Sexual Health in the Raquel and Jaime Gilinski Department of Obstetrics, Gynecology, and Reproductive Science at Mount Sinai in New York City. When you’re in your 20s, for example, curiosity about sexuality and pleasure tend to drive up desire. Libido can plummet in the months and years after you have a baby, then rise again when the baby stops keeping you up all night. During perimenopause, women experience a natural dip in sex hormones and may start to have issues with lubrication, which can affect how into it you are. One recent study found that women’s desire tended to fluctuate more than men’s throughout their lifetimes, but that people all had similar ups and downs on a weekly basis.

What is libido, exactly?

Bear with us as we take you back to Sex 101: “Libido” is the term used to describe sexual desire or a desire for sexual activity, which may mean with a partner or the solo act of masturbation. It’s not a medical term—it was coined by Sigmund Freud, and there isn’t a universally accepted way to measure it.

That’s one of the reasons why, when it comes to libido, there is no such thing as normal. Whether yours is “healthy” is a matter of perspective, depending on what you need and want, says Sally MacPhedran, M.D., director of the Women’s Sexual Health Center at MetroHealth Medical Center in Cleveland. A high libido is as normal as a low one, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, and low sex drive is a problem only if it’s a problem for you. “There is a huge range when it comes to desire,” says Dr. MacPhedran, who often compares the spectrum of libido to the variation in height. “You don’t say somebody is abnormal at five-nine versus five-two—it’s just different.” While the term “libido” is often used interchangeably with “sex drive,” some experts take issue with the latter because it creates an unfair comparison with other primal drives, such as thirst and hunger, that are essential to survival. “You won’t die if you don’t have sex,” says Mintz. (The human species doesn’t necessarily depend on it, as sex isn’t always associated with reproduction, particularly when it comes to same-sex couples and those past childbearing age.) Understanding the need for sex requires a more nuanced grasp of the idea, says Mintz.

What hormones have to do with it

In biological terms, libido is regulated by the sex hormones testosterone and estrogen along with neurotransmitters such as norepinephrine and dopamine. Feelings of sexual desire typically begin to emerge between the ages of 9 and 15, when hormones start to surge, and continue through sexual maturity, dipping during menopause for women and tapering off in later adulthood.

These sex hormones will peak and wane through different phases of life: People who have periods will often notice a pattern in the rise and fall of their libido that’s tied to their menstrual cycle, says Tami Rowen, M.D., an ob/gyn and an associate professor at the University of California San Francisco. “Over the course of a month, a person’s sex drive will peak when they are ovulating, then drop significantly,” she says. Our hormones and neurotransmitters convey the message of desire for sex to the prefrontal cortex of the brain. But sometimes those messages can get a bit muffled. Even when our hormones peak and we are theoretically most primed for sex, we don’t always pick up on, or prioritize, what our bodies are telling us. We may be preoccupied with a sick child or simply too tired to notice (let alone heed) libido’s siren call. And that’s to be expected: Your brain is supposed to filter things to determine what your responsibilities are, what you can act on and what you can’t.

It’s also important to differentiate between the two types of desire: “What most people envision desire to look like is spontaneous sexual desire,” says Dr. MacPhedran. That’s what we read about in romance novels—when just locking eyes with someone across the room can make you excited. Responsive desire, on the other hand, is being open to saying yes to intimacy even if you’re not in the mood for sex. You may come home from work, desiring nothing but a warm bath, but when you see that your partner has brought you your favorite flowers, all of a sudden it’s Game on.

This distinction is important, because while both are part of a healthy sexual response, spontaneous desire is all we talk about and see onscreen, which can often leave people who don’t experience it thinking there’s something wrong with them. But the experts agree: There isn’t. Having responsive sexual desire—meaning you say yes when the environment is right—can result in exactly the same sexual satisfaction as spontaneous desire.

How do you feel about sex?

Your upbringing, beliefs, and negative experiences can affect your libido. “Religions and belief sets that bill sex as dirty and sinful can lead to sexual shame,” says Mintz, who points out that many women who are raised in a culture that emphasizes “purity” may struggle with these feelings even years after they’ve left that culture. A history of sexual abuse or unhealthy relationships can also affect your libido in the long term. On the other hand, some people might feel relief after leaving a culture in which they felt shamed and may find that freedom enhances their desire.

Working through negative feelings about sex or finding yourself in a positive life space can ramp up your libido as well. Maybe you’ve found a relationship in which you feel safe. Maybe you have a new, less stressful job and finally have the mental space to think about romance. Or maybe you’ve recently started taking better care of yourself and you feel physically good; this too can bump up your desire.

high angle view of a red rocker switch with power on and power off symbols printed in white, switched in the power off position on yellow background

Reasons your drive might dip

There are numerous health and wellness issues that could be behind your dry spell. Some of the most common:

You’re stressed

This is the number one factor that affects libido in the patients of Tameca Harris-Jackson, Ph.D., a sex therapist and director of Hope & Serenity Health Services in Altamonte Springs, FL. Not only can the daily onslaught of work, money, and relationship worries dampen desire, but that often starts a negative-feedback loop in which people end up sleeping less, drinking more alcohol (a depressant that impedes sexual function), and skipping self-care.

You’re on desire-dampening meds

An estimated one in eight Americans takes antidepressants, and many don’t realize that some types of these meds can quash desire. “The worst medications for libido are certain antidepressants,” says Dr. Rowen, adding that their effects on libido are “a major reason people stop taking them.” (If you’re taking Paxil or Prozac, for example, ask your doctor about adjusting your dosage or switching to a different antidepressant.) Meds for allergies, diabetes, and high blood pressure can have an effect on sexual desire as well.

Your diet could use a reset

If you’ve ever felt bloated and not in the mood after a dinner date that featured heavy food, you know how what you eat can immediately affect your desire. Your nutrition from day to day is important too, says Harris-Jackson. “If the efficacy of blood flow is impeded by a high- sodium or high-sugar diet, there can be difficulty feeling sensation and having full function of sexual organs,” she says.

You’re on the Pill

“The idea that you can have sex for pleasure without the risk of pregnancy, certainly in this political day and age, is really important, but people should know that the birth control pill can affect libido,” says Dr. Rowen. Talk to your doctor about other reliable forms of long-term contraception, she advises.

You’re tired

According to a study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, for some women just one more hour of shut-eye can lead to higher levels of sexual desire and better arousal the next day.

You have health challenges

>Chronic pain from arthritis or fibromyalgia, for example, may prevent you from focusing on pleasure cues. Conditions like anxiety and incontinence can also make sex more challenging.

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How to boost your libido (if you want to!)

As all the experts say, your level of desire is a problem only if it bothers you. It can become an issue, though, when the libidos of partners in a romantic relationship aren’t quite in sync: If, for example, you crave sex once a week but your partner is happy with having it once a month, this is what is known as desire discrepancy—it is very common and is something you can work on together. “A difference in sex drive should be dealt with the same way as any other differences in a long-term relationship,” says Mintz: Communication and compromise are required to make everyone happy. “Especially as we age, our relationship ages, and spontaneous desire wanes, it’s often advisable for couples to jointly decide on their ideal frequency and schedule sexual encounters,” she says. Agreeing to weekly trysts, as Mintz calls them, keeps sex on the table so you don’t fall out of the habit altogether. But if you have trouble agreeing on how often to have sex, there’s unresolved tension, or one person is feeling rejected, you may wish to see a certified sex therapist. “Sexual problems are fixable—and the sooner the better, before resentments pile up,” says Mintz.

But don’t confuse this scenario with the idea that you need fixing. Historically, women have been shamed for having strong libidos (while men are applauded for the same thing), and also there is intense stigma surrounding low desire across the board. “There are a lot of stereotypes around cis women not having natural drive, but it’s unfair to describe women that way, because there is a broad range,” says Dr. Rowen. Whatever your level of desire, she says, “know that you are not broken.”

When to talk to a doctor

If your libido has changed or is bothering you, talk to your primary care provider or an ob/gyn. They may diagnose you with hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), a condition in which a decrease in or lack of sexual fantasies and desires causes personal distress. Your doc will ask questions about your medical and sexual history, may perform a physical exam to look for issues like thinning vaginal tissue or other pain-triggering concerns, recommend extra testing to rule out under lying medical issues, and refer you to a specialist before making a diagnosis.

  • Making adjustments to medications that have libido-lowering side effects
  • Psychotherapy such as mindfulness-based CBT
  • Hormone therapy, especially for postmenopausal women
  • A prescription for Vyleesi or Addyi—these two drugs are FDA-approved to boost desire in premenopausal women

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20 Hot Ways to Spice Up Sex When You’re Craving Something Naughty and New

— Let’s get you out of this rut, shall we?

By Rachel Varina

We all know that finding love (or at least something like it) is the reason so many folks are swiping on dating apps and going on Love Is Blind—well, besides to get IG followers, ofc. But what happens when you finally find someone and things start to get a little, ahem, ~stale~ in the bedroom? You want to learn how to spice up sex, but you also don’t want to risk the bond you’ve built by making things awk or making your partner feel like they’re not doing enough. Egos are fragile, people!

First things first, though: I want to assure you that this whole “wanting better sex” sitch is nothing to feel guilty about. In fact, Playground’s chief sexologist and doctor of human sexuality, Emily Morse, says it’s extremely common. “I’d go so far as to say every long-term relationship faces this someday,” she says. “People crave novelty. Maybe they’ve fallen into a rote sex script with their partner or are curious about trying a new sex act. Our brains are habituated to the same things over and over again. I mean, if you ate the same meal every day, wouldn’t you want variety?”

Morse stresses that not only is this all normal, but it’s healthy to acknowledge this longing and your evolving sexuality. Which, on the one hand, cool! But on the other…WTF are you supposed to do about it? According to psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist Lee Phillips, EdD, it begins with getting creative and curious about your partner. “Eroticism keeps a relationship alive and fun,” he explains, so at the very least, start brainstorming *what* would make you (or your partner) feel turned on. From there, it’s all about communication.

The good news is that you can absolutely ask for (and get!) better sex without feeling totally awkward (ugh) or making your partner feel bad (double ugh). Praise be, right? Below, sexperts explain how to talk about your desire to kick things up a notch, and then, we’re outlining the best ways to do it. From exploring common kinks to learning how to talk dirty (trust), read on for allllll the deets + plenty of ideas for spicing up sex.

First, Here’s How to Talk About the Whole “You Want Spicier Sex” Thing

Since this can be a sensitive chat, Morse says you’ll want to remember the Three Ts (timing, tone, and turf) when broaching the topic.

“For timing, pick a time when you’re calm and relaxed,” she explains. “For tone, keep it curious rather than accusatory (so avoid statements like ‘you never go down on me‘ or ‘you never plan dates.’ Use I-statements instead: ‘I get so turned on by the thought of you going down on me; do you think it’s something we could explore?’). And turf? Don’t have this talk inside the bedroom. It’s too charged. Pick a more neutral setting, like a walk outside.”

Remember: Take it slow! You don’t have to figure out everything right away. This can be an ongoing conversation! Once you’re on the same page, consider perusing the 20 ideas below to see what might strike your fancy and get the juices (sry!) flowing.

1. Take a Vaca

Sometimes the key to spicing things up involves an *actual* key…like, of the hotel room variety. “I love a hotel,” says Morse. “Luxurious, a little glamorous, and you don’t have to stress about things like dishes, laundry, or kids.” Not only can you wear fluffy robes and order room service, but vacation sex is easily one of the hottest kinds you can have.

Most of us can’t book a random trip whenever our sex life gets a lil stale (wouldn’t that be great, though?!). But Lee says you can still achieve novelty at home by simply moving to another part of the house. “The environment plays a significant role in sexual desire, so change it,” he explains. Take it to the kitchen, the living room couch, or the shower. “It’s all about what our brains are habituated to,” adds Morse. “A new environment means new sensory stimuli and new psychological inputs.”

3. Don’t Forget to Mix Up Your Positions

While you’re romping all around the house, Morse urges you to lean into the novelty of the situation. Different places = having to get creative with your sex positions. “That’s a good thing,” she says. “We want to shake up the sexual dynamic a little bit and intentionally be more adventurous. Let’s take the kitchen: Maybe you’ve never done standing sex before, but now, you have to! You might discover you feel super sexy doing this, and all you did was walk a few feet to the next room.”

>Before experimenting with acrobatics in the bedroom, ease into new positions by trying something different but not too far from your comfort zone. “Don’t be too ambitious and go from missionary to standing wheelbarrow,” notes Morse. “Rather, pick a position you don’t normally do together and see how you both feel. If you’re always doing doggy style, try lotus. If you’re always doing missionary, try spooning.”

4. Use Your Mouth

Obvi oral sex is great, and you should def consider incorporating that into your repertoire if it sounds good to you. But! It’s also important to use your mouth in other ways…like actually verbalizing what nasty, naughty new things you want to try. If you’re feeling tongue-tied at the idea of dirty talk, Morse suggests chatting about your turn-ons, what you like to do to each other, or hot memories of your past sexual encounters. If you still feel unsure, let someone else do the talking by turning on some audio porn and listening together.

5. Play a Sexy Game

The thought of talking about turn-ons might make your palms immediately sweaty, and if that’s the case, Morse suggests game-ifying the situation to make it a bit less nerve-wracking. There are many sex games out there—ranging from conversation cards to literal board games that can work as a playful and less anxiety-inducing way to start the “let’s change things up” convo. Plus, it’ll feel more organic than just randomly blurting out that you want to try pegging or something.

6. Discuss Your Kinks

Who knows? Maybe while you’re playing a sexy game, you’ll discover a new turn-on you didn’t even know you had. A lot of people (I dare to say most people) have some sort of kink or fetish, even if it’s undiscovered. Lee says this is a great topic to explore together, whether that means simply talking about a sexual fantasy you keep coming back to or whipping out the massage lotion and giving your partner’s little piggies a rub to scratch that foot fetish itch. What? Didn’t you include “in sickness, health, and kink” in your wedding vows?

7. Be Honest About Your Feelings

I know it might make you feel vulnerable AF, but one of the most important steps you can (and maybe even should!) take when looking to shake things up in the bedroom is to—you guessed it—actually talk to your partner about sex. “Sex is all communication,” says Lee. “It is essential to be honest about your thoughts and feelings surrounding sex.”

Consider your current relationship with your body, with your orgasm, and with your S.O. Then communicate all that to your partner. Feels like a lot, no? To help, here are a few of Lee’s fav prompts to get ya started:

  • Sometimes your touch feels…
  • I think I’m supposed to like everything we do sexually, but I genuinely love your touch when you…
  • I feel something special during sex when I…
  • I wish I would change the way I…
  • If I believed you enjoyed me more, I might…
  • If I could enjoy myself/you more, I might…
  • I’m concerned that you will/won’t tell me if you dislike something sexually, so I…
  • Sex is/isn’t fun for me because…
  • I sometimes pretend to have an orgasm so that…
  • I notice I feel turned on/off when…
  • What I like about myself sexually…

8. Play With (Then Swap) Power Dynamics

BDSM is a popular kink that involves exploring different power dynamics in a relationship. While consent is always number one (as well as discussing limits and utilizing safe words), if you’re both on board, there are quite a few different ways to dip your toe into the Dom/sub world.

>“One low-lift idea is blindfolding,” says Morse. “Easy, sexy, and it makes sex more exciting by taking away one of your senses. From there, you could try handcuffs or bed restraints and see how it feels to be tied down…or do the tying.”

And if your partner is usually the one to initiate/lead the scene (or vice versa), try being the one to take charge! There’s usually one more dominant and one more submissive partner during sex, but switching your default roles (whether you go full BDSM switch or not) can spark a whole new world of pleasure.

9. Incorporate a Bit of Taboo

Going hand-in-hand with BDSM is taboo sex, which is pretty much anything outside of your standard vanilla. “Think the urgency of car sex, the erotic nature of outdoor sex, etc.,” says Morse. After talking about your kinks, see if there are any overlapping taboos that interest you both. For example, if the idea of (consensual!) exhibitionism gets you going, try giving your partner a lap dance, letting them watch you strip down in the shower, or hitting up a sex party together.

10. Get Some Sex Toys

Honestly, having a drawer full of sex toys is something I absolutely wish for everyone, and if you haven’t yet incorporated a buzzing little addition to your sexcapades, consider this a direct order from the universe. Not only are they fun (they’re called “toys” for a reason), but according to Morse, some bodies, especially those with vaginas, find that sex toys are essential for reaching orgasm.

“Toys can help close the orgasm gap,” she explains. “Typically, people with penises orgasm much more frequently during sex than people with vulvas.” This means those of us with clits might not get there with good ol’ P-in-V sex.

That’s not to say sex is only fulfilling if it results in an orgasm, but if you want one (or want to experience stronger sensations), Lee adds that exploring different types of sex toys is a great solution. There are tonnnnns of options, from wand vibrators and clitoral suckers to the classic rabbit vibe. If you can’t decide what you want, Lee suggests going on a date to a sex shop to peruse the aisles, ask questions, and see what sparks your interest.

11. Try a Cock Ring

While you’re busy adding a bunch of sex toys to your cart, Morse urges you to check out cock rings if you or your partner have a penis. “Worn on the base of the shaft, these add an element of experimentation to the bedroom,” she explains. “They pull double duty by keeping the penis hard and vibrating on the clitoris or anal opening of the receiving partner.” So, not only can penis rings help support those with erectile dysfunction, but they lowkey make it easier for the receiving partner to orgasm as well. Win-win.

12. Try Different *Types* of Sex

Did you know “sex” isn’t actually synonymous with intercourse? “Sex is a mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional erotic connection shared between those involved,” sexologist Shamyra Howard previously told Cosmopolitan. “It’s not just about genitals and mouths.”

Of course, you can try different types such as oral sex, anal sex, and outercourse. But you can also experiment with virtual sex (so maybe hooking up over FaceTime/Zoom the next time your sweetie goes out of town) or phone sex (whether that’s sending sexy texts or whispering dirty things into the receiver of a landline all ‘90s like).

13. Use Lube. Lots and Lots of Lube.

Important PSA: “Lube makes almost every sex act feel better,” Morse says. “I always say the wetter, the better, and I mean it; the presence of lube helps everyone have an easier time orgasming, and when you feel that potential in your body, you feel sexier.”

We already discussed that there are different *types* of sex, and it turns out you can use lube with all of them! Yup! Lube with hand jobs! Lube with penetrative sex! Even lube with oral sex! (Wondering how TF to use lube when you’re already using your mouth during a blow job? Glad ya asked! “I’m thinking specifically about flavored lube, which turns oral into dessert,” Morse explains.)

Also, FWIW, make sure to select the best type of lubricant for the sex you’re having—typically, that means water-based lube if you’re using toys and silicone lube if you’re having anal or getting it on in the water (that’s bc silicone can damage other silicone over time due to the way its molecules react with each other. Yikes, right?). Morse suggests Playground’s personal lubricants since the line uses chemistry-enhancing adaptogens (like Ashwagandha, Black Cohosh, and Horny Goat Weed) to create a v long, v lasting, v pleasurable slippery feeling.

You know what’s sometimes even better than lube? Lube that doubles as an arousal gel. “If you’ve got a vulva, this will make your clitoris and surrounding areas feel tingly and help your genitals engorge, thus making you more orgasmic,” says Morse. Our faves, here:

15. Play With Different Senses

Even though touch might get the most attention during sex, the other four senses (taste, smell, sight, and sound) are worth devoting a little attention to. Feed each other strawberries (or other aphrodisiac foods, like oysters?). Use some scented massage oils and lubes. Whip out a blindfold to remove sight, or turn on the lights + face a mirror so you can enjoy the show. Cue up a bangin’ sex playlist and grind to the beat. You might not need to leave the room or your usual position to have wild, new, and exciting sex! It might just take some sexy food!

Another hot way to explore the senses is to get into temperature play…which is precisely what it sounds like. To give it a shot, try running an ice cube down your S.O.’s torso, exhaling your warm breath on your partner’s neck, or melting hot wax on each other’s backs (make sure to use a body-safe option if you’re gonna try wax play, because otherwise, ouch).

16. Try a Little Tantra

The notion of tantric sex might seem a little overwhelming or ~ wOo-WoO,~ but trust us, it centers around connection and creating a sexually charged atmosphere instead of just, like, boning with incense burning. You basically try to block out distractions (so turn off the TV!) and concentrate fully on worshiping and honoring your partner. Think: breathing together, using deep motions, and making eye contact.

You can also give your lover an erotic massage, Morse says, by using some warm oil, lube, or wax and rubbing it on their body with intention, starting at the heart chakra (middle of the back) and working your way out to different erogenous zones.

17. Get Physical

Even if you’re not a workout girlie, getting physical together outside the bedroom before doing it in the bedroom is the ultimate foreplay. “A tried and true arousal trick is to get your heart pumping together, so make your next date an active one,” Morse suggests. She suggests seeing how your body (and sex!) feels after you rock climb, do hot yoga, or go for a run. Plus? Seeing each other all sweaty is erotic as hell.

18. Touch Yourself…Together

Wanna change up how you’re touched? Lend your partner a hand. Literally. Mutual masturbation is an excellent way to build intimacy, Morse says, plus it can be a really fun (and safe!) way to feel pleasure together. “You get to see how your partner touches themselves, and it feels a little kinky…you’re watching them, they’re watching you.” (Bonus: It’s also awesome if it’s that time of the month and you don’t wanna have period sex, if you’re trying to avoid pregnancy, or if you’re unsure of your partner’s STI status.)

19. Consider a Threesome/Group Sex

Since you’ve likely been having sex with your partner for a while, why not have sex with someone else? I don’t mean cheating; I mean trying a threesome, group sex, a sex party, or considering (or simply fantasizing about) ethical non-monogamy. “Invite more people into the bedroom,” suggests Lee. “Couples have often wanted to try a threesome but are too afraid to bring it up. You can explore this with a healthy relationship built on trust and a great foundation.”

Obvi, this one will take a lot more conversation, compromise, and planning, but if it sounds attractive to both of you, consider researching a bit to see how you feel. Maybe the mere idea of it will have you feeling some kind of way.

20. Explore Role-Play

Ofc, jumping into the world of swinging or swapping isn’t exactly for everyone. If the idea of getting it on with someone new sounds exciting, but you don’t want to, like, do it, do it, Morse says to consider role-play. You could go all out playing different scenarios (like your favorite TV couple), or you could pretend to be strangers at a bar and “meet” for the first time.

Whatever you decide, get ready for the date like you would if you were single (so blast your hype music and pull out the good undies), arrive separately, and use your cheesiest pickup line to ~lure~ them in. “Everyone can spice up their sex life, which wards off resentment and encourages creativity and collaboration,” Morse says. Who knows? Your significant other—and your newfound sexual connection—might surprise you when you take on different roles for the night.

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The Secrets of Sex Over 40

— 8 Questions Answered

New AARP survey reveals how often older adults have sex, and lots more

By Robin L. Flanigan

Most older adults believe sex is an essential part of a healthy relationship, and more than half say their sex lives are as satisfying – or even better—than a decade ago.

In a new AARP Research survey released Sept. 29, people over 40 got frank about what goes on in their lives – or doesn’t – when it comes to intimacy and sex.
The survey “Ageless Desire: Relationships and Sex in Middle Age and Beyond” polled 2,500 people 40 and older about how perceptions, behaviors, attitudes and preferences about sexual experiences have changed over time. Three-quarters of survey respondents were over 50.

Among the findings:

  • 72 percent of men and 63 percent of women have a current regular sexual partner.
  • Less than half of those surveyed —46 percent—said they were satisfied with their current sex life.
  • Four out of 5 people said their relationships were physically pleasurable and emotionally satisfying.
  • Having sex with a stranger is the most common sexual fantasy for both men and women.

The report also found that over the past 20 years, the frequency of sex in this age group declined, but other types of sexual activity – like masturbation and oral sex – increased.

“Sex doesn’t get any less important as we age,” says Patty David, AARP vice president of consumer insights. “It continues to be a vital part of a good relationship, which shows that intimacy and physical connection are important to all ages.”

1. How often do people in middle age and older have sex?

Older adults still have plenty of sex. Thirty percent told AARP researchers that they have sex weekly, 27 percent said monthly or less, and 40 percent reported having no sex in the last six months. One in 6 adults over 70 reported having sex weekly.
When it comes to oral sex, the frequency is a bit less: 18 percent said they have oral sex weekly, 25 percent said monthly, and 54 percent said none in the past six months.

But not everyone thinks they’re having enough sex: 46 percent said they were having the right amount, and 45 percent said they weren’t having enough. Men were more likely than women to say they’re not having enough sex, and women were more likely to say they were having just the right amount.

Certified sex therapist and psychologist Stephanie Buehler says there are lots of ways to be sexual as an older adult and recommends people expand ideas about what it means to show affection in the bedroom.

“It’s about acceptance and adaptation,” says Buehler, author of Enliven Your Sex Life! “Stop worrying about what you can no longer do and explore to find out how you can still experience sexual pleasure at any age.”

2. Do men and women differ in their levels of sexual desire?

Overall, 55 percent of those surveyed said they considered their sexual desire about average, 15 percent said higher than average and 29 percent said lower than average.

But men were more likely than women to rate their level of sexual desire as higher than average. Women were more likely to rate their level of sexual desire as lower than average.

3. How frequently do older adults masturbate?

The survey found that 55 percent of people reported pleasuring themselves in the past six months. Among those who did masturbate, 61 percent did so within the past week. About one in 4 pleasure themselves weekly, but that number decreases as age rises: Only 11 percent of people age 70 and older reported masturbating in the previous week, compared with 40 percent of those ages 40-49.

“Masturbation is natural and shouldn’t produce feelings of guilt or embarrassment,” says Buehler, adding that it also can be helpful if your partner doesn’t want as much sexual activity as you do.

One in 3 people reported using a vibrator for personal enjoyment, though women were more likely to say they were using one compared with men, at 42 percent versus 18 percent. People who identified as nonheterosexual were also more likely to report using a vibrator for self-stimulation (66 percent compared with 28 percent of those identifying as heterosexual).

4. How common is infidelity after midlife?

Fourteen percent of people reported being unfaithful, according to the survey. Seventeen percent of men said they’d had a sexual relationship with someone other than their partner, compared with 11 percent of women.

The reasons? For both men and women, the novelty of sex with someone other than their partner was tops. Men were more likely than women to say they were interested in sexual activities that their partner wasn’t interested in. For women, the answers trended toward feeling unappreciated by their partner and having a higher sex drive than their partner.

A quarter of those surveyed also reported reasons for sex with someone besides their primary partners as consensual monogamy or polyamory.

While many respondents reported that infidelity or suspected infidelity had a negative impact on their relationships, few people chose to end them because of it – only 4 percent did.

After an affair, most relationships are strained but survive, Buehler says.

“Repairing takes a lot of difficult conversations,” Buehler says, “as the person who had the affair spends time reflecting and the hurt partner takes time to understand the reasoning and heal.”

5. Is erectile dysfunction increasing?

The number of men who say they have difficulty with sexual function is growing. Just 4 in 10 men said they are always able to get and keep an erection for intercourse, down from half of men in 2009, according to AARP researchers.

In fact, 28 percent of those men surveyed said they’ve been diagnosed with erectile dysfunction or impotence, up from 23 percent in 2009 and 17 percent in 2004. But many men are looking for help: 6 out of 10 men who said they had general sexual functioning problems reported that they sought treatment.

Only 12 percent of women reported problems related to sexual functioning and more than half of those said they didn’t seek treatment because they didn’t feel comfortable discussing the issue.

Health concerns, like diabetes, stress and high blood pressure can impact sexual functioning: 79 percent of those surveyed said they’d been diagnosed with a medical condition.

6. Do older adults typically have a regular sex partner?

The AARP survey found that two-thirds of people reported they had a regular sex partner. Younger respondents had the highest likelihood of reporting a regular sex partner, but even over age 70, a little more than half of people said they had someone they regularly engaged in sexual activity with.

7. Are sexual fantasies among older adults common?

The answer is a resounding yes: 83 percent of those surveyed said they had sexual thoughts, fantasies or erotic dreams.

While having sex with a stranger was the most common fantasy for both genders, men’s fantasies included having sex with more than one person at a time, while women were more likely to say that they fantasized about having sex with someone of the same sex or having sex in different locations.

But people are keeping their fantasies to themselves: Roughly two-thirds said they hadn’t discussed them with others.

8. What are the best ways to keep romance alive?

The pandemic has had an impact on how people view their relationships. The survey found that 41 percent of older adults want an increased connection with their significant other, and 70 percent said they believe quality time and strong connections are more important now than before COVID-19.

However, the survey found that 31 percent of those divorced or never married are apt to say, “Romance? What’s that?”

Here’s how couples say they are keeping the romance going, according to the survey:

  • 63 percent make a point of saying ‘I love you”
  • 57 percent celebrate special days like birthdays and anniversaries
  • 35 percent take a vacation or romantic trip annually
  • 32 percent set aside time to enjoy each other’s company
  • 30 percent buy each other gifts or flower

David, of AARP, notes that in many cases the impact of COVID-19 has been to highlight the importance of relationships with friends, family, spouses or romantic partners. “It has made our connections even stronger,” she said. “Couple this with the importance of spending time with each other to keep the romance in the relationship and you have a powerful recipe for contentment and happiness.”

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Why the Holidays Are a True Test of Your Relationship

— Making it through the festive month of December is harder than it seems.

Seasonal pressures can have big impacts on newer relationships.

By Gina Cherelus

Philip von Hahn, a 30-year-old tech investor on the Upper East Side, attended a holiday party on Sunday night to take his mind off the recent dissolution of his three-year relationship.

“We’ve been weighing it for the past few months,” Mr. von Hahn said of the decision to end things. The holidays, however, added a sense of urgency, as he and his ex-girlfriend weren’t able to agree on who would visit whose family for Christmas, or if they even wanted to spend this time of year with each other again.

Although fall and winter have affectionately become known as “cuffing season” in recent years — a period where couples stay indoors, cuffed together throughout the cold months — they can also be a fraught time that puts pressures on newer relationships.

A small infraction like not buying a thoughtful Christmas gift or being reluctant to visit your partner’s family for the holidays can be the excuse a hesitant partner was looking for to call it quits. Ghosting feels like an easy option when people can use their travel plans as an excuse to be absent, and time apart can make staying connected difficult, especially if a relationship is already on shaky ground.

Mr. von Hahn said that he and his ex-girlfriend both decided to break up after realizing the relationship wasn’t progressing to the next step (“Like, get married”). He said he felt good about the decision, despite still needing time to adjust, and was crashing with a friend in Brooklyn after moving out of the apartment they shared.

For Christmas, he planned to return home to Toronto to spend time with his family “and convalesce.” He was looking forward to having a busy holiday schedule to keep him occupied.

The end of the year is also often a time of reflection and a yearning for a “new year, new me” that can be at times one-sided.

Beth Booker, a 33-year-old public relations specialist in Naples, Fla., had met her ex-boyfriend in September on Bumble and hard launched as a couple in November. He broke up with her this past weekend.

“It really sucks when you finally decide to take that leap and you feel safe enough to do it, and they can’t catch you,” she said in a phone interview on Monday.

He returned home to Pennsylvania around late fall, and, after agreeing to try to make a long-distance relationship work, he had a change of heart during a conversation about their plans for the new year.

Despite films on the Hallmark and Lifetime channels that would like to convince people that the holidays are the most romantic time of the year, they can feel especially lonely if you’re single.

Tejah Larkin, 31, describes this time of year as the moment many couples choose to make things official, so holiday parties and ugly Christmas sweater gatherings can feel harder for people like her who are still casually dating.

“During this time, the events are not really gauged for the singles, because most people probably have been dating since the summer and now they’re trying to lock it down,” said Ms. Larkin, who lives in East Orange, N.J. “Most people are inside with their significant others.”

Ms. Larkin is currently seeing a man with whom she grew up after reconnecting in late October. It’s in the honeymoon phase, she said, and they are focused on building atop their old friendship and seeing where things go. He plans to return home to Georgia for Christmas and New Year’s Eve. She hopes they will stay in contact during that time.

“This will be the first time either of us have been not in the same area communicating, so hopefully we keep the same consistent communication,” Ms. Larkin said. “It’ll be a real test.”

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Scientists reveal the top sex positions most women orgasm in

— Take notes

By Ebony Leigh

With the orgasm gap between heterosexual men and women more akin to a chasm at this point, your best bet to reach climax is by sticking to the classics, a new study has found.

In a world where a hugely unrepresented number of women aren’t having orgasms through sex alone, scientists have crunched the data to find out exactly which positions are most likely to give vulva owners the big O.

Using 13 black-and-white diagrams that illustrated various intercourse manoeuvrers, researchers from the Czech National Institute of Mental Health quizzed more than 21,000 adults, including 11,225 women, on how they get off.

The results revealed four pole positions including man-on-top, woman-on-top, standing face-to-face and sitting face-to-face.

Sydney-based somatic sexologist Alice Child tells Body+Soul she’s “not at all surprised”.

“I think when it comes to sex positions, simple is best, rather than acrobatic positions, and some of those listed are classics – you know, missionary and woman on top – and they’re classics for a reason,” she says.

“They work for lots of different people’s bodies and you don’t over exhaust the muscles, which allows you to focus on what sex really is all about, which is connection, pleasure and being present with each other, rather than worrying about whether your leg muscles can survive another five minutes.”

Why are these positions so great?

What makes these four such explosive moves, according to the experts, is that they all tick three very important boxes.

The first is allowing for eye contact, which research shows increases mutual attraction and emotional closeness, which then encourages kissing, something plenty of us considers to be a crucial element of sex.

Then, with all this face-to-face action, you’ve got the fact that you can literally see your partner getting more and more aroused, which – in no surprise to anyone anywhere – can be a major turn-on.

But there’s one other thing that all of these positions have in common from a physical standpoint, added Child, and that’s easy access to the clitoris. AKA, the “gateway to female orgasm”.

“The vast majority of women need regular, consistent, pleasurable, external clitoral touch to be able to reach orgasm,” she explains.

“While studies differ, around 85 per cent of people with vulvas need some pressure or stimulation with a hand or vibrator on their clitoris to reach orgasm, and in a lot of these positions you can have pressure on the pubic bone.”

This brings us to the best move of all, the study proclaims, and that’s the woman on top.

Not only does this position allow women to control everything – such as speed, depth of insertion and rhythm – but through hip movements they can rub their pelvis against a man’s pubic bone, stimulating their clitoris.

It also leaves both partners hands-free, meaning you’re available to touch each other wherever you desire, or even bring some toys into the mix.  

For 34-year-old Leah, it’s the only position she can climax in.

“I love sex and trying out loads of positions because they do all feel really great, but I just can’t get there unless I’m on top,” she explains to Body+Soul.

“It’s like the key to orgasm for me.

“While I’m riding him, everything just feels like it’s being stimulated all at once and I’m the one in control, meaning I can move how it feels good for me. And then boom. It works nearly every single time.”

The mental mind game

Unfortunately, not everyone is in the same boat. The study reveals that one-third of women surveyed never climax during intercourse, no matter which position they’re in.

Tanya, 33, has been married for the last eight years and tells Body+Soul that she’s never been able to orgasm through sex.

“Usually we have sex, he will finish and then I will use my vibrator to make myself come,” she explains. “I can sometimes get there if I’m helping myself but I can’t remember the last time someone else made me come.”

She adds that changing positions during sex doesn’t make any difference.

“I definitely need a lot of clitoral stimulation to feel even close, but I just can’t do it through sex alone.

“It’s just such a mission for me to reach orgasm, like it’s definitely a mental thing and I have to be in the right mindset to actually get there. I have to be really focused on it and I can’t do that mid-sex.”

The pressure cycle

Miserably it’s this pressure of not being able to climax while doing it that creates even greater pressure and makes women even less likely to reach orgasm. 

“A lot of people who come to me haven’t talked openly about it before and so feel pretty isolated and pretty broken, like they’re not normal, and have a lot of shame,” Child explains. “But it’s important to know that it’s very common.”

“Women put a lot of pressure on themselves, and I have to say that one of the biggest blockers to being able to orgasm is putting more pressure on yourself. Pressure is never sexy.”

She also says that making an orgasm the goal of sex can also be your downfall.

“It robs you of being able to stay present and in the moment and enjoy the journey, not just the destination” Child says. “And that’s so much more important than choosing some magical position.”

Tanya adds that this pressure is especially unfair when “our sexual organs are completely different to a man’s”.

“It’s pretty crazy that as women we put this pressure on ourselves to be able to please a man in a certain way and be able to make him come in a certain timeframe when many guys just don’t really care about doing the same for a woman or just have no idea how to,” she says.

So how can I help myself orgasm?

Firstly, forget the study, Child says, and do what feels good for you.

“What’s more important is getting sex-positive education and resources around your own pleasure and asking yourself what’s important for orgasm and how you get out of your head and into your body.

“Certain positions may help you do that, but go for whatever position helps you personally to feel most relaxed and most connected, to feel more in your body.”

She also encourages self-pleasure and allows your body to move in a way that’s familiar to you.

“Be curious about what position you try when you’re on your own,” Child explains.

“If you find it really easy to orgasm when you’re on your belly but that’s not on the list, then ignore the list and try being on your belly during sex.

“That way you can build pleasure and arousal on your own and then it will be a lot easier during sex than trying a completely brand new position.”

Variety is also the spice of life, even when it comes to masturbation.

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“If you want to learn how to orgasm in lots of different and fun positions and you struggle to do that, then add variety to your own self-pleasure practices to teach your body what it feels like to be on your back or what it feels like to be standing up or what it feels like to be sitting,” Child says.

At the end of the day, it’s like teaching your body a new skill, and it’s best to practice without all the distractions that come during sex, like being worried about what you look like or what you smell like or how your partner’s feeling.

“Using self-care as the practice ground when there are fewer breaks can help you to reconnect to your body,” Child says, “which is really, really helpful.”

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How Lube Helped Me Unlock A New Level Of Sexual Pleasure

By Hilary Shepherd

I recently located my clitoris, which, at 33 years old, sounds way overdue. Alone, inspired by a conversation I had with a sex therapist, and apparently horny on a Saturday night, I decided to forgo my rotating collection of vibrating sex toys, which I’d always enjoyed while watching porn and wearing underwear (a “fabric barrier” has always felt less imposing to me) in favor of a foreign combination: my fingers and a bottle of lube.

Within minutes, I was able to go deeper into my body in a way I hadn’t before. I relished in the unfamiliar sensations and possibilities for pleasure hidden in various corners and crevices I’d long overlooked but was now able to easily explore, thanks to the lube’s super smooth texture. (For reference, I used SKYN‘s new Naturally Endless lube, a water-based formula with a host of naturally derived ingredients that also happens to be non-sticky and long-lasting.) As I closed my eyes, I was also surprised by how easily I was able to relax and focus on exploring myself even without the chorus of moans blaring from some X-rated website. I thought of all the vulva diagrams I’d seen in gynecologists’ offices and used them as a guide to locate key areas I knew were hotbeds of pleasure. After repeatedly making a “come hither” motion at the top, where I knew my clitoris lived, the sensation rapidly built up into several intense, full-body waves of euphoria. To be clear, I have experienced an orgasm before, but not like this. I did it again and again and again, delighting in the newfound sensation.

The way I found my clit — pearl-like and erect, nestled amid a fleshy hood, and seemingly designed to provide toe-curling spasms — reminds me of my equally clumsy journey with tampons. Desperate to follow my friends at school who had all ditched pads, I used to spend hours locked in my bathroom attempting to successfully insert a tampon. With one leg on the toilet, I’d study the step-by-step guide that came in the box, quietly suppressing a very real fear of the string disappearing into the ether, or worse, potentially dying from the “tampon disease.” I was unsure where exactly and how far up the applicator was supposed to go, but reaching for  a handheld mirror for assistance was out of the question. I grew up pretty religious (I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 21 and also experienced some trauma) and was taught that the vagina was an integral, yet ugly and confusing part of your body — something to largely ignore.

And so, for a couple of years, I simply went about life wearing tampons incorrectly — I was never able to insert them fully, so the bottom half would stick out. I chalked it up to having an “abnormal” vagina; I was different from my tampon-wearing friends, who’d swim and do cartwheels and jump on trampolines with the same carefree, “I-don’t-even-feel-it!” attitude I’d see in tampon commercials on TV.

This was an unfortunate, embarrassing, and painful fate I’d come to accept — until one day, it just clicked. All I had to do was take a moment to breathe, relax, and unclench my pelvic muscles. It was an exercise in patience, in pausing, in connecting with my body in a positive and intimate way. And it’s a lesson that would serve me well again, nearly two decades later.

I had never really masturbated with my fingers. In college, finally free and independent for the first time, I became curious about masturbating. A scene in a film I’d watched elicited an arousing sensation in me, and when the faucet method (IYKYK) didn’t do the trick, I tried the base of my electric toothbrush, blown away by the incredible sensation it provided after merely moving it around in that area atop my silk pajama pants. It was time, I realized, to get a proper vibrator.

Periwinkle, skinny, and decidedly non-threatening, my first toy was a dildo that symbolized sexual freedom. I had planned to experiment with it over the long holiday break that semester, but when my mom was driving me home from the airport, it switched on in my suitcase. The loud and incessant buzzing was impossible to ignore. “What is that?” my mom asked. I knew I could easily blame it on a rogue toothbrush, but…I told her the truth. “Ugh, Hilary,” she said, as if the word “PERVERT” had suddenly appeared across my forehead in big, black letters. “That’s disgusting.”

Though this experience didn’t stop me from using toys (my mother did not, thankfully, force me to toss my dildo), I felt ashamed for years, associating sexual pleasure with perversion, just as I did in my youth, and viewing masturbation as some filthy, primal deed done in secrecy. Sex throughout my 20s, then, was often alcohol-fueled, one-sided, and devoid of any real meaning; it was an intimate act that didn’t quite feel intimate, but more like something to dissociate from and simply endure. (Forget about an orgasm.)

These days, sex doesn’t feel so icky. My partner, who I’ve been with for more than five years, makes me feel secure and loved. It’s the first serious relationship I’ve ever been in, and while I’m still not able to orgasm during sex (I’m in therapy currently to work on some of those anxiety-ridden mental blocks, residual archaic beliefs from my childhood, and past trauma), it’s nevertheless an enjoyable and loving and important act. But I know there’s a lot more pleasure to be had.

Like many couples in long-term, monogamous relationships, our sex life has ebbed and flowed, decreasing during periods of extreme stress or confinement and increasing on, say, vacations or after spending time apart. One thing that’s remained the same, though, has been my inability to be an active participant in our sex life — meaning, instead of treating sex with the same curiosity and openness I feel when I masturbate, I’ve mostly allowed him to take the lead, cycling dutifully through positions and often beginning to feel truly aroused by the time he finishes. Lube, which we’ve never put that much thought into, has been something to hurriedly dig for in a bedside drawer half-way through sex when the friction becomes too much or he’s in the mood for a “super slippery sensation.” (Alternatively, it’s also reserved for hand jobs.) I never complain or provide input or direction, but how am I supposed to ever feel truly satisfied if I don’t speak up? Or rather, how can I speak up when I don’t even know my own body?

The logical, rational side of my brain knows that vaginal wetness fluctuates based on one’s menstrual cycle and a “zillion other factors,” according to London-based sex therapist and SKYN Sex Expert Gigi Engle, but sometimes it’s hard not to think that the problem is me — by using lube, it suggests I’m dried up, shriveled, and “not good enough” naturally. As it turns out, I’m not alone in harboring some of these false and self-sabotaging beliefs.

“One of the biggest and most pervasive myths I hear about lube is that you only need it if you can’t get ‘wet enough,’ meaning that something must be wrong with you,” says Engle, who wants to make it clear that lube is not just for preventing pain from friction. “Actually, lube is an amazing sex enhancer. It can increase your arousal and the stimulation you receive from toys, fingers, penises, whatever. It makes everything more comfortable. And honestly, everyone should be using it — solo or with others.”

Emboldened and inspired by the level of pleasure I unlocked using SKYN’s Naturally Endless lube during my recent solo session, I decided to be the one to incorporate it into the bedroom with my partner. I noticed that taking initiative this way provided me with a new sense of control, and my sexual autonomy was a welcome addition for us both. While I wasn’t able to reach orgasm (not yet, at least), I was able to feel him, literally and figuratively, on a much deeper and way more intimate level than ever before. What’s more, I also felt empowered enough to bring one of my favorite toys into the mix — another suggestion from Engle — which worked great (as a bonus, SKYN’s water-based lube is totally compatible with silicone devices).

This experience helped break up a period of stagnation and routine in our sexual relationship, and it also restored intimacy during a time when unsexy, external stressors (buying a house, getting married, planning for kids) feel especially prevalent. And more importantly, instead of sex being treated as a pre-bedtime ritual or a “task” to check off like an item on a grocery list, I’ve noticed we’re being playful again — and sex in general feels alive with delicious possibilities.

I no longer view sex (or my body) as something to fear or be disgusted by. I know I deserve pleasure, too, and that my parts are normal and beautiful. But there are tools out there that can make that easier to achieve, and also much better. Next up on my list of things to explore is anal, but I think I might start by breaking out that old handheld mirror first — it’s time to finally put a face to a name. 

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex For The Sake Of It Is A GOOD Thing

— The truth about ‘maintenance sex’.

By

We’ve all been there. You look at the calendar, do a quick calculation and realise shit, has it already been a week (or two) since you’ve had sex? No it can’t be…

You start to feel the pressure to have sex. Isn’t it bad if you go “too long” without getting busy? Surely, it’s better to just knock one out before the weeks turn into months and then my marriage implodes? I think that’s what someone said I should do on TikTok?

You check the clock and think, I’ve got 10 minutes…But then you wonder, as you side-eye your partner, am I only having sex with them because I think I’m supposed to or because I actually WANT to have sex now? Does it even really matter?

So here’s the thing. It does matter.

Maybe not in the short-term but definitely in the long-term. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with maintenance sex or having sex with a long-term partner just for the sake of knocking one out, not because you actually desire it.

Professionals will disagree on this. Some will say you should only ever have sex when you’re in the mood and not just do it because you feel some type of pressure.

The problem with that outlook is that a lot of women who are disconnected from their sexuality are never in the mood. And the amount of perceived work it takes for them to get into the mood isn’t viewed as worth the potential benefits their current sexual relationship is offering them. So in those instances, sex would almost never occur, which is incredibly problematic for most long-term romantic relationships.

The other school of thought here, where I find myself, is based on the view that sex isn’t always going to be spontaneous or passionate or result in toe-curling orgasms.

That doesn’t make the “less exciting sex” any less valid. Sometimes, sex is just a time when two people’s bodies come together because they need to feel connection. And sometimes, the only way to accomplish this is through maintenance sex.

The fun thing about maintenance sex encounters is that they hold the possibility of being passionate, pleasure-filled sessions. You just never know what can happen when you give yourself permission to engage sexually with your partner. But you don’t know until you actually are willing to put yourself in those sexual situations.

This is why I believe maintenance sex is an acceptable short-term solution.

Now, if you’re only ever having maintenance sex, then a larger discussion needs to take place. Because if sex is an important part of the relationship for at least one of the partners, then there needs to be an examination of why it’s not a priority to both or why there’s a disconnect between saying it’s a priority but not actually making the time for it.

Of course, you will go through seasons where sex drops on the list of important things to do. But unless both parties agree that sex isn’t that important (which is absolutely fine, despite what society may tell us), then a conversation (or several) need to take place. I cannot emphasise that enough. Relationships breakdown when expectations go unmet.

If one (or both) partners really does not enjoy sex or the kind of sex they are having in that relationship, then it’s critical to discuss that as early on as possible. Because when we ignore it and pray that those feelings go away, we are deceiving ourselves and planting the seeds for resentment to grow. No one wants to have sex with someone who is only doing it every time because they feel like they have to. Going through the motions every time actually makes your relationship worse by eroding trust and connection.

I want you to know that sex is one of the most powerful acts a person can engage in. It can be more than just a way to achieve gratification. And when we only do it to check the box, we miss out on the opportunity to heal, transform, love, and transcend. Can maintenance sex serve a purpose? Of course, but I believe it should be the exception and not the gold standard for sexual intimacy in a long-term romantic relationship.

You deserve more than just maintenance sex. And if you’re in a relationship where that’s the rut you’re in, then I encourage you to have a conversation by sharing WHY you want to have more meaningful, more connected sexual intimacy with your partner.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!