Why We Feel Shame After We Orgasm

By Gigi Engle

Have you ever looked at something you know is objectively “gross” and found that you’re a little … turned on? Read on if this sounds familiar to you. Because, you know what? It’s a lot more common than you think.

When we’re turned on, the part of our brain that registers disgust and fear tends to switch off. Things that we may register as gross, scary, or weird when we’re in a resting state take on erotic meaning once we’re turned on.

This is why people enjoy things like spanking, spitting, water-sports (when you pee on someone) and rimming. In the context of everyday life, these things probably aren’t appealing to you. You wouldn’t want someone to spit on you in the grocery store, or have your partner pee on you while you’re cooking dinner. Well, maybe you do (no judgement), but the majority of people require their minds and bodies to be in a sexually aroused state for these things to be hot and not off-putting.

Pam Shaffer, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist, says that it’s totally normal to be aroused by something we’d otherwise find disgusting because of the complex nature of arousal itself.

“Our brain isn’t the best at determining why it’s in a heightened state (aka feeling arousal), but it could be due to a host of factors, including fear, disgust, and fascination with the taboo,” she tells TheBody.

Let’s get into the nitty gritty of post-orgasmic shame, why it happens, and where we go from here.

The Post-Orgasmic Blues

You’ve probably heard of the post-orgasmic afterglow, right? How after you’re finished having sex (whatever kind of sex), you sort of lie there in each other’s arms and feel super blissed out? This happens because our bodies are awash with a chemical cocktail of feel-good hormones like dopamine and oxytocin.

But there is a counter-state that doesn’t get very much airtime in the mainstream media that requires acknowledgement: The post-orgasmic (or post-coital) blues (also known as post-coital dysphoria). This denotes the crash that can take place immediately following orgasm. Can you relate to this? It happens. One study showed that nearly 50% of women experience sadness after sex.

Sometimes we don’t feel the way we think we’re supposed to. The release of all that orgasmic energy doesn’t always make us feel amazing in the minutes after sex. In fact, it can make us feel depleted, sad, or lonely. Lanae St. John, D.H.Sc., a board-certified sexologist and author of Read Me: A Parental Primer for “The Talk”, tells TheBody that laughing out loud, crying, feeling amazing, or feeling sad is all due to the release we experience in orgasm. It may manifest as all kinds of emotions—it’s a release of tension and intense feelings we’ve been holding inside.

Both the afterglow and the blues are completely normal and temporary. The two seemingly extreme opposite states are a great example of how complicated human sexuality really is.

But, if you find yourself unable to move on from the post-coital funk, it could be something more than the blues. If you feel depressed for a few days or weeks after sex, seek out the professional help of a qualified therapist, as this could be a sign of clinical depression or anxiety, rather than post-orgasm crash.

Shame About Sex Can Impact Us More Than We Realize

Data also shows that sex-negative messaging from childhood and subsequent shame around sex can impact your sexual wellness substantially. We live in a culture that finds sex wrong, sinful, and disgusting. And, at the same time, we’re inundated with sexualized images from the mainstream media. Sex is everywhere, but sex is forbidden. The world we live in is immersed in a sexual shame/sexual obsession paradox of its own design.

For instance, think about watching some really “sicko” level porn (I use the word “sicko” in the sense that it’s something we “think” we’re sickos for watching). We’re very turned on by the scene. Maybe we searched for it. Maybe it came up on the endless stream of clips available on free tube sites. We masturbate to it, have sex with someone while watching it, or some variation of this.

And then, there is often a switch; a flip in mental state that changes everything. After orgasm you look at the half-finished clip and are horrified. You think, “OMG I cannot watch this” and have to turn it off immediately. It is no longer hot, it’s bad and gross. This is, of course, also connected to how we associate sex with shame and being a bad dirty thing that makes us bad dirty people.

“When we are in the moment and following our pleasure, hopefully to the peak experience that is orgasm, then we are giving ourselves permission to enjoy and experience; but for some, once the experience is over, our thinking comes back online, [and] we become more consciously aware of ourselves, which can bring about negative thoughts or feelings (even though we have done nothing wrong),” Kate Moyle, a psychosexual and relationship therapist and host of The Sexual Wellness Sessions podcast, tells TheBody. We are in that heightened arousal state, and once we crash out of it, the shame takes over from where the hard-on was.

Untying yourself from sexual shame takes perseverance and a lot of internal and community work. Therapy helps. Admitting something is holding you back from being your true, authentic sexual self helps. We can’t begin to heal if we keep pretending we aren’t hurt. And we’re all hurt.

Sex isn’t shameful. You aren’t shameful for enjoying it—in whatever form you like having it—with other consenting adults, or on your own. It’s a hard message to learn, but as we shift into a more sex-positive future (hopefully) it can begin to manifest. “If you notice the self-criticism, think about where this comes from—question the messages and see if there are any alternatives that are healthier, or if your narratives need updating,” Moyle adds.

Complete Article HERE!

What Is A Female-Led Relationship?

The 3 Different Forms & How To Explore

by Kelly Gonsalves

If you’re a woman who likes being in control or a man who likes playing a more subordinate role, you might be interested—or already finding yourself involved in—female-led relationships.

What is a female-led relationship, or FLR?

A female-led relationship, or FLR, is traditionally a type of BDSM relationship between a dominant woman and a submissive man. Although the term originated within the kink community, some people now use the term “female-led relationship” more generally to describe any relationship between a man and a woman wherein the woman holds more power than the man, whether in terms of breadwinner status, decision-making authority, or the couple’s sexual dynamic.

“The definition has many variants, as this is a wide umbrella term,” according to sex educator and professional dominatrix Lola Jean. “FLR can be any relationship that is not ‘male-led.’ In its most lenient format, [an FLR may be] more of an equal-power or varied-power exchange between partners. In its more extreme and perhaps traditional [form], FLR is a relationship where the female, or femme, is the decision-maker for the other partner. This could be anything from their finances to their attire to more menial tasks like chores.”

Any of the below dynamics might be involved in an FLR, though not all need to be present for a relationship to be considered FLR:

  • The woman is the sole or primary income earner in the relationship.
  • The man handles most or all of the domestic responsibilities and child care.
  • The woman is the chief decision-maker in the relationship.
  • The woman’s thoughts, feelings, and perspectives are given priority over the man’s in the relationship.
  • The woman has full financial control in the relationship, including controlling what the man is or isn’t allowed to spend money on.
  • The woman is sexually dominant, and most sexual encounters revolve around her pleasure.
  • The woman is typically the one that decides when and how to have sex.
  • The man’s role is largely submissive and obedient, whether in the relationship, in bed, or both.
  • The man and woman are largely equal in their day-to-day lives, but the woman is dominant in the bedroom.

The kink vs. feminist relationships.

In the kink community, FLR specifically refers to an eroticized power dynamic wherein women have power over men in a relationship, whether sexually, financially, or in terms of day-to-day decision-making. But some people have begun to embrace the term as a sort of synonym for a feminist relationship or a relationship where the woman is the head of the household.

“We’ve seen many BDSM terms and concepts seep into mainstream culture,” sex therapist and researcher Gloria Brame, Ph.D., tells mbg. “FLR is another term that once specifically referred to a female-dominant/submissive-male dynamic but which can be understood by any feministic people.”

As a kink, FLR gets much of its excitement and thrill from turning traditional gender roles on their head, Jean explains. Where our society still tends to view men as dominant and women as submissive, FLR consciously flips the scripts and indulges in a power dynamic that places women on top.

That said, today’s culture is thankfully starting to shed its old gender norms in general. It’s becoming increasingly common for women to be the primary earners in their households and for relationships to seek more egalitarian grounds by consciously empowering the women in them. Nearly 30% of women in dual-income marriages make more money than their husbands, according to 2018 census data. It’s also becoming common for women to take the reins in the bedroom, even outside the world of BDSM. While a dominant woman may have previously been seen as a rarity or a kinky fantasy, today it’s much more mainstream.

As such, many couples might find themselves accurately represented within the broadest definition of “FLR,” even if the term isn’t one they would necessarily use to describe themselves.

A low-control “female-led relationship” is essentially a typical progressive relationship, which is the broadest type of FLR. The man and woman both contribute equally to the household and share many of the core responsibilities, from earning money to raising the kids to chores. Both partners provide income, with the woman earning the same or more money than the man. Both partners also participate in housework and child care, with the man equally sharing or doing the majority of the domestic duties. Alternatively, the woman may be the sole breadwinner of the household, with the man handling all domestic duties.

This type of dynamic isn’t necessarily an FLR in the BDSM sense, though some people would still consider it an FLR insofar as it subverts traditional gender roles.

“Everything is power. There are always power dynamics and exchanges present in any relationship, no matter if they identify it as BDSM or not,” Jean notes. “Anything can be D/s [aka a dominant-submissive relationship] if that is how you define it, though nothing is innately so—it all depends on how we categorize.”

The more common form of FLR involves the woman having anywhere from a moderate to high level of control over the man in the relationship, and this dynamic is usually more explicitly explored as a form of kink or BDSM.

Depending on the dynamic the partners desire and agree to, the woman may have control over various parts of the relationship and the man’s life. This might include making all the big decisions in the relationship, having the final say in what they do or don’t spend money on, assigning most or all domestic responsibilities to the man, and/or being the chief orchestrator of their sex life. The partners may also explore power play or domination themes in their sex life, with the woman playing the dominant role and the man in the submissive role.

In this type of FLR, typically the control has some limits or is only relevant in some parts of their lives but not all of it, or the partners shift in and out of the power dynamic as desired or needed. “When a BDSM dynamic is present, there is more likely to be negotiation, aftercare, check-ins on needs, and predetermined rituals or routines,” Jean adds.

Some FLRs involve complete control and fall under the umbrella of 24/7 D/s, aka a relationship where the power dynamic is lived day in and day out throughout the partners’ entire lives. The woman has full and total control over the man’s life, and the unequal roles between the woman and man are less of a role-play happening in certain situations and more of a full, dedicated lifestyle.

“This is more akin to TPE (total power exchange) that requires heavy negotiation and sometimes even a contract,” Jean explains, adding, “When done sanely and consensually, there should always be moments for check-in and renegotiation. Even if the submissive is adamant on TPE or ‘no safe words’-type of mentality, an ethical Dominant will understand the balance.”

Benefits of FLR for the man.

An FLR can allow men to experience a relationship where they aren’t responsible for everything and where they can enjoy having someone else be in charge without shame. “It removes the pressure to conform to an unrealistic model of masculinity carved for him by society,” Brame explains. “By feeling free to choose his own path, he opens himself up to who he really is and [this] helps him to live a fuller life.”

Some men also specifically enjoy the feeling of being subordinated or even humiliated, in part because these feelings and experiences are considered so taboo in mainstream culture. It’s a similar reason some men enjoy cuckolding or ruined orgasms—it’s the power dynamic.

Benefits of FLR for the woman.

For women, an FLR can be a way to fully step into their power in a way that simply isn’t possible yet in most of mainstream society. “Power means freedom. You get the final say on things, which can be especially exhilarating for women who grew up in conservative male-led homes,” Brame says. “It also brings responsibility—suddenly you are the one responsible for the big choices. For women who love the challenges of taking responsibility and honoring commitments, it’s transformative to have so much control.”

Some women also simply get a sexual thrill from dominating and subjugating others, again because it’s so taboo to explore these dynamics in other parts of life.

How to set up a female-led relationship:

1. Understand what you want.

Before diving into any form of kink, BDSM, or power play, it’s important to understand what you want and what your boundaries are, as well as those of your partner.

“Go about understanding your own desires first,” Jean says. “How do you want it to make you feel? What aspects of your/their life do you want to be up for control? What areas do you not want to be up for control?”

It may be helpful to research FLR dynamics or general D/s relationship dynamics to understand what the possibilities are, what you want, and what you don’t want.

2. Communicate what you want early on.

If the FLR dynamic is something that’s integral to your sexual or romantic relationships, Jean says it’s important to communicate what you want early on in a potential relationship. “You don’t have to lead with it necessarily, though you could.”

There are sites and apps that are specifically geared toward finding partners who are interested in kink, BDSM, and specifically FLR, which may be good places to start your search if you’re just starting your exploration and know you’re only looking for partners who are game for this dynamic.

Tell your partner what kind of dynamic you have in mind and what excites you about it, and allow them to indicate their interest level to you before proceeding into the details. An FLR is only possible with a fully willing partner, so back off if they say they’re not into it.

FLR, particularly when it involves higher levels of control, can be an intense dynamic. “Start small if this is something you haven’t played with before. The fantasy of something can often be much different from the reality,” Jean says.

Once you find a partner who’s game, you can discuss what you each are comfortable with and begin to incorporate elements of FLR into your relationship. Make sure to continue communicating and checking in regularly to ensure the dynamic is feeling good for both parties.

4. Talk to other people who enjoy FLRs.

“Don’t rely solely on your potential partners for exploring or understanding this kink,” Jean recommends. “Befriend individuals who fall on the same side of the power exchange to discuss their experience. This will benefit you, as partners may come and go. It also puts less onus on your partner to bear the weight of your kink and desires.”

A female-led relationship can be a form of kink or simply a way to make sure women are empowered in their relationships. There are many ways to experience an FLR, so communicate with your partners about what you’re looking for and why so you can see if there’s common ground to mutually explore.

“An FLR opens the door to greater equality among genders as old ideas about ‘real men’ are finally put to rest,” Brame says. “All people (cis and trans) feel empowered to choose the kind of relationship dynamic that works best for them and their partners, without pressure to conform to ideologies instead of what makes them happy.”

Complete Article HERE!

What does bicurious mean?

“Experimenting with your identity is not a negative, but the toxic tropes around doing so can be.”

By Gina Tonic

Sexuality exists on a spectrum and if one end holds people who consider themselves to be 100 per cent gay or lesbian, towards the opposite end you’ll find a space for those who identify as bicurious. But, many of us don’t really know what bicurious means, and how it differs from heteroflexible or bisexual. It’s also said to contribute to bisexual erasure. So here’s what you need to know about bicuriosity.

What does bicurious mean?

Put simply (although the topic is actually quite nuanced and complex), bicuriosity refers to those who are interested in exploring their sexual identity with people of the same and other genders. Elyssa Rider, a sexual education and wellbeing specialist from Brook explains, “Bicurious is a term that means that someone is questioning their sexuality and where they fall on the spectrum. I think there can be a tendency for people to use this term when they have formerly identified at heterosexual but think they might be interested romantically or sexually in their own gender.”

Rider adds, “I also understand that some people identify with the term when they feel desire, but perhaps have not physically explored that yet.” The confusion over what bicurious can mean could easily be contributed to the lack of representation given to this sexuality. That said, one of the best scenes in Scott Pilgrim vs The World – a movie that has many incredible scenes – gives us a great insight into why the term is sometimes considered controversial in the queer community.

The scene plays out in the second half of the movie and focuses on Pilgrim’s realisation that he has been assuming all of Ramona Flowers’ “evil exes” are men. When forced to fight Roxie Richter, Flowers’ ex-girlfriend from college, it becomes clear that Flowers has been repeatedly and purposefully reinforcing that she has “seven evil exes” and not “seven evil ex boyfriends” for a reason. Still, Flowers flippantly dismisses the relationship as a “bicurious phase” and Richter – ready to attack – declares herself “bifurious”.

Why do some people dislike the term?

This scene is impeccable not only for getting every bisexual I know to put “bifurious” in their Tinder bio, but on a deeper level, representing the rage of many queer women who have been treated as a “phase” in an (otherwise straight) woman’s life rather than a valid relationship or viable long-term sexual partner. Cory Bush, a sex positive doula and queer sex educator, explains that this sentiment between queer and bicurious people is still a common one.

“Experimenting with your identity is not a negative, but the toxic tropes around doing so can be”

“A lot of queer people have been through the experience of being a bicurious person’s ‘experiment’ to help them explore their sexuality. There is nothing wrong with sexual exploration in itself, but when you are exploring your sexuality, it’s important to keep in mind that you’re navigating these feelings with real live people who have their own thoughts, feelings, desires, and boundaries.” Bush explains, “I don’t think the negative effect comes from bicuriosity itself, but rather when bicurious people forget to acknowledge and honour the humanity of the people who they are exploring with.”

This stigma that sees bicurious people as “using” other people to satisfy their questions surrounding sexuality, however, is one that many feel is attributed to those who identify as queer too. Emily, a 25-year-old bisexual, says she has no problem with the label bicurious or those that use it, but that “it becomes problematic when it’s used as a way to dismiss a bisexual person’s experience as experimentation alone or a phase they will grow out of.”

Pansexual Megan agrees, telling me, “I had been out as queer for about six months and explained to a colleague who knew me from a ‘straight-passing’ relationship that I had a crush on our female co-worker, and he asked if [I was] bicurious.” They continue, “I feel like cis straight people use the term bicurious to basically invalidate queer people who have recently come out, to suggest that it’s a phase.”

As well as affecting those more recently opening up about their identity like Megan suggests, Rider adds that she believes women and femme-presenting folk are more likely to suffer from the unsavoury stigmas that the term bicurious adds to the bisexual identity. “People can be dismissive, or suggest that someone is exploring their sexuality for attention.” She describes, “This is a jibe particularly levelled at women, whose sexuality is often viewed through the male gaze.”

Libby, a 27-year-old bisexual, similarly feels that the term is “patriarchal” and dated. “Bicurious is a term that is used to diminish a woman’s sexuality, because men can’t understand that a woman can have feelings for other women, which has nothing to do with the male gaze.” She adds, “It’s not just men either, other women have projected their similar reductive opinions towards bisexuality onto me.”

It’s not just straight people who can be bicurious

While the assumption with bicuriosity is that those subscribing to this label are straight people wishing to test out their queer desires, this is not always the case. Tilda, a 20-year-old bicurious lesbian, finds the term helpful in explaining her point of view. “It’s been really important for me to primarily identify as a lesbian, yet utilise the bicurious label when I’m still figuring my sexuality out.” She considers, “It helps me retain my core identity as a dyke, which is so significant to who I am – but a dyke who occasionally wants to try men!”

“You can have any sexual identity and it’s valid whether you ever explore it or not”

Just as it is unhelpful to bisexual people to assume all bisexual people are the same as bicurious people, so too is it invalidating to infer that all those using the bicurious descriptor are straight individuals looking to experiment with queerness. As Tilda says, bicurious can be used as a label for anyone with a monosexual (those attracted to only one gender) identity looking to explore outside of the gender they are typically attracted to.

As Bush put it, the problem with bicuriosity isn’t the people who want to explore their sexuality – especially in a society where heteronormativity and compulsory heterosexuality is so dominant – but the stereotypes associated with wanting to do. Experimenting with your identity is not a negative, but the toxic tropes around doing so can be.

Rider adds, “you can have any sexual identity and it would be valid no matter whether you ever explored it romantically or sexually or not. It is also important to remember that it is okay if you explore your sexuality and change your mind about how you identify.” She finishes, “Sexuality is fluid, and it’s perfectly natural to change your opinion about something as you gain more knowledge and experience in other areas of your life, so why not this?”

Complete Article HERE!

5 Myths About Pansexuality That Need To Be Quashed

Pansexual Flag

By Ritika Joshi

Pansexuality is a sexual identity where a person is attracted towards people regardless of sex or gender identity. The prefix pan- is derived from Ancient Greek and means all, thus pansexuality means they are open to all, irrespective of sex or gender.  Famous celebrities like Miley Cyrus, Janelle Monáe, and Cara Delevingne have stated that they are pansexual, normalising pansexuality as a sexual identity. There has also been an increase in pansexual characters in mainstream media, which allows for people to explore their own sexual identity. Here is a list of common myths and misconceptions about pansexuality, and why they are incorrect.

1. Pansexuality Isn’t Real

Dismissing pansexuality by claiming it is a myth or doesn’t exist serves no purpose other than being discriminatory. By denying one’s sexual orientation or sexual identity, it prevents them from accepting themselves and their identity. Allowing people to identify however they see fit harms no one, and allows for people to be more comfortable with how they label themselves.

2. Pansexuality = Bisexuality

Since sexuality is a spectrum, there is no one rigid definition of bisexuality and pansexuality. Generally, bisexuality is the attraction to more than one gender while pansexuality is often described as attraction regardless of gender. Many pansexual people state that their attraction focuses on personality rather than gender.

“I always will remain, I think, pansexual. However one defines themselves, whether it’s ‘they’ or ‘he’ or ‘she,’ I fall in love with the person — and that’s that. I’m attracted to the person.” – Cara Delevingne

The definition of bisexuality and pansexuality may vary from person to person, and the fact that the definitions seem similar makes it hard to distinguish. People identify with whichever term they feel more comfortable with. The right move is to listen to whatever people identify as, and not try to diminish it. Since sexuality is nuanced and varies from person to person, it is important to understand bisexuality and pansexuality means something different for everybody.

3. Pansexual People Are Promiscuous

Being attracted to people regardless of gender does not automatically mean that pansexual people are interested in everyone. The assumption that pansexual people are more promiscuous is unfounded and based on misconceptions about sexuality. Pansexual people aren’t attracted to everyone, the same way heterosexual people aren’t attracted to everybody from the opposite gender.

4. Pansexual People Cannot Be Monogamous

Assuming that pansexual people cannot remain monogamous and faithful to their partner is a myth. The assumption that pansexual people are cheaters is an unfounded belief that stems from misconceptions about sexual identities and pansexuality. Just because someone has the capacity to be attracted to anyone irrespective of gender, doesn’t mean they are.

5. Pansexuality Is A Trend

Pansexuality has always existed, there just wasn’t a specific term for it until the 20th century. There is more visibility related to pansexuality, due to celebrities coming out as pansexual and an increase in media with pansexual representation. Due to this more people are looking into their own sexual orientation and identifying as pansexual. This increase in people labelling themselves as pansexual leads to the belief that pansexuality is ‘a trend’, instead of realising that it has always existed.

It is a good thing that people are finding more ways of labelling self-expression. The small price to pay for making people more comfortable is just learning and familiarising yourself with queer terminology.

Complete Article HERE!

Losing sense of smell can impact seniors’ sex life

Now anosmia — losing the sense of smell, which is a symptom of COVID-19 — can put seniors off their sex life, a new study shows.

By Kevin Connor

Aging can affect the quality of life for older people in many ways.Now anosmia — losing the sense of smell, which is a symptom of COVID-19 — can put seniors off their sex life, a new study shows.

A group of researchers, along with an expert from Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston, came up with the findings after testing a sample of 2,084 seniors over the age of 65.

They found a sense of smell plays a pivotal role in sexual motivation, the U.K. Daily Mail reported.

Other research concluded smell disorder in older patients impairs their sexual life.

“Decreased olfactory function in older U.S. adults was associated with decreased sexual motivation and less emotional satisfaction with sex, but not decreased frequency of sexual activity or physical pleasure,” the researchers said in their paper published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

The group of researchers suggests a decrease in smell didn’t necessarily decrease the frequency of sexual activity in all.

“Our research shows a decline in olfactory function may affect sexual pleasure in older adults,” said study author Jesse K. Siegel at the University of Chicago.

“Therefore, treatable causes of sensory loss should be addressed by clinicians to improve sexual health.”

Researchers say this is possibly because of ‘evolutionarily-conserved’ neurological links between olfaction and sexuality.

“Olfaction has a strong, evolutionary-conserved connection to the limbic system, which plays a critical role in processing emotions and sexual motivation,” Siegel and her team say in their paper.

“Neurons in the olfactory bulb also project directly to the hypothalamus, another key mediator of sexual motivation.”

Complete Article HERE!

It’s Complicated

— Love and Sex in 2021

By Isabelle Lee

Whether you are single, married, dating or just keeping it casual, the new pandemic normal has our relationships a little discombobulated. From socially distanced first dates on a park bench or over FaceTime, to a suitor trying to steal a kiss only to be Heismaned with a loud warning of “6 feet!” meeting people has not been easy. Maybe you’re married, and you now know that your spouse uses phrases like “let’s circle back” or “synergy” unironically at work. From current trends and content to spice up your day to Black-owned sex toy brands to buy and ways to practice self-love, today’s Sunday Magazine rings in Valentine’s Day by diving into the complicated world of modern love.

Appy V-Day. Many apps are stepping up to the plate for couples looking to reconnect this year. Love Nudge, based on Gary Chapman’s best-selling book, The 5 Love Languages, will help you identify your love language and set goals with your partner to express how much you care. Designed as an alternative to real-life couples therapy, Relish is meant to help identify and solve problems in your relationship. Coral is a sex and intimacy coaching app that will help you and your partner get on the same page and explore new communication methods. Femtech startup Emjoy is all about sexual empowerment well-being, whether you’re single or partnered up.

Another Level of Cuffing. Each winter you’ll find plenty of people getting into a relationship for the added body heat, a phenomenon known as “cuffing.” The pandemic version is known as “apocalypsing” — when you treat every relationship as if it’s your last — and nearly one-third of Gen Z users polled by dating app Plenty of Fish admits to doing it. Is it love, or are you just desperate to hold onto the one normal person you met on Hinge while the world collapses around you? Anyone else looking forward to getting a vaccination verification badge on Tinder?

On the Spectrum. There are some 70 million people across the globe on the autism spectrum; for them, social interaction is a challenge, making the dating world extra daunting. At last dating apps such as Hilki and Aspie Singles are emerging that cater specifically to this population, with some offering coaches to help read social cues and others tailored to address problems around sensory processing.

Judgment Day. You wouldn’t think it from the broader culture, but 1 in 4 Americans still disapprove of any and all sex outside the bonds of marriage — even if the couple is in a committed relationship. The numbers are fairly consistent across demographics, with the biggest deciding factor, more than age or political views, being how religious you are. But disapproving isn’t the same as abstaining: 85-90 percent of Americans aged 15-49 report having engaged in premarital sex.

love and marriage

Boom or Bust. When lockdown first started, many people expected divorce rates to skyrocket. While most people would agree that the pandemic increased stress in their relationship, the proportion of people reporting their marriage is in trouble actually fell from 40 percent in 2019 to 29 percent in 2020. Maybe it’s because, for some, household responsibilities like chores or child care are being more equitably divvied up between partners — though women continue to take on a greater share of house work — or maybe it’s simply a necessity to renew your commitment to your partner if you’re with them 24/7. Apocalypsing for the win.

Pandemic Parenting. After the year from hell, 2021 is all about helping moms heal from 2020’s craziness and finding ways to support them going forward. The blurred lines between child care, working from home and domestic chores are causing a crisis for America’s mothers. On the flip side, the pandemic is strengthening the bonds between father and child. More couples are sharing child care responsibilities than ever, with 70 percent of fathers reporting that they feel closer to their children since the pandemic —even if they might not be doing as much to help as they think.

Stalking 2.0. Domestic abuse is not a new phenomenon, but its direction during the pandemic certainly is. Domestic abusers are exploiting technology like never before, especially location-sharing tech, home cameras and smart doorbells. Some survivors have even reported their abuser using location tracking software to blackmail them for breaking coronavirus regulations. While resources for people suffering intimate partner violence look a little different right now, help is out there, whether it’s a hand signal on Zoom, an app or a hotline.

In Pod We Trust. While many people report that the pandemic has cost them some friendships, those that remain have become healthier. Thank God for pods, those tight-knit circles of people hailed as a balm for pandemic blues. But be careful how you go about defining and regulating your pod — finding pod members who are on the same COVID-safe wavelength as you is paramount. And as seeking out new friends becomes harder at a distance, apps like Bumble Bff are taking the dating game and applying it to buddies.

No Mask, Big Problem. We all know one, a pandemic rule-breaker friend. Maybe you’ve had to block them on social media after one too many Instagram stories flaunting the group gathering they’re attending. Maybe you’ve had to stop seeing them because you know they’re being irresponsible. If you have, you aren’t alone, but there might be more cause for hope than despair. Harvard researchers found only a small decline in the quality of friendships and relationships in the pandemic, a trend they expect to continue.

Oldies but Goodies. One trend we’re seeing more of: going back through your contacts and finding new friends among the old ones. Maybe it’s a fellow camper that you’ve lost touch with but you live in the same city, or a high school classmate you haven’t seen in forever. It’s become easier than ever to make new friends this year from your casual connections pool.

sex for you

Action Item: Masturbation. Lockdown has presented many people with the opportunity to get acquainted with themselves, if you know what I mean. A recent survey by condom company SKYN found that 39 percent of people were masturbating more during the past year, while 49 percent were watching more porn. It’s just another version of everyone’s favorite term of late: self-care.

Listen for a Good Time. Maybe you’ve tried to watch porn, and it just isn’t for you. Don’t despair because there is a new kind of erotica that might tickle your fancy. Companies like Quinn and Dipsea are pioneering the audio porn frontier. With recorded content that ranges from “appreciative boyfriend” to every possible fantasy your brain can cook up, audio porn promises to be a stimulating way to get you in the mood.

Satisfy Me. At this year’s Consumer Electronics Show, the Innovation Award went to sexual wellness company Satisfyer. It won for its new app, Satisfyer Connect, which syncs your sex toy with your partner’s. You can control your partner’s toy, program patterns and even link a sexy playlist. The app also lets you turn ambient sounds into vibration patterns. In a world where lockdowns are keeping partners apart, this app promises to make socially distanced sex a whole lot more fun.

No More Cold Feet. Have you ever felt like the one thing wrong with your sex toy is that it’s not warm to the touch? No? Well, either way, the sex toy geniuses at Lora DiCarlo released a new line of toys that warm to body temperature. The women-owned brand has enjoyed substantial success since launching in 2017 — hitting $7.5 million in sales — and the new heated line of toys will definitely continue to make waves, or rather, vibrations.

black-owned biz to support

Get Organized. We’ve all had it, that moment of panic when someone goes rummaging around in the drawer where you keep your sex toys. That panic inspired Lidia Bonilla to design a discreet box for your personal pleasure collection and launch Plume. The lockable box is a stylish addition to any bedside table — and there’s also a travel case so your toys can go anywhere you do.

Science Is Sexy. The name says it all. EngErotics is about engineered pleasure, using the best in science and engineering to create best-in-class intimacy products. From devices like the ‘Shroom and Progasm to CBD-infused intimate care products, this women-led company is bringing hard science to the pleasure space.

Condoms for a Cause. Entrepreneur Jason Panda is revolutionizing the world of safe sex. After practicing law, the Morehouse College alum started b condoms, the only African American-owned condom company in the country. B Condoms not only leans into fostering conversations about health disparities, but they work to address them as well by hosting events and distributing condoms in communities.

I Want Candy. Temmy Wallace’s sex toy company sits in the sweet spot where pleasure and education meet up. Appalled by the lack of education about sexual pleasure products, she decided to start her own company, iCandi, that provides outstanding customer service and high quality products — bridging the gap between what you might have learned about pleasure in middle school sex-ed and adult needs.

Complete Article HERE!

Cannabis and Sexuality

— How Consumption May Enhance Your Sex Life

Jointly is a cannabis wellness app that launched in April 2020. Jointly’s mission is to help people discover purposeful cannabis consumption. Purposeful cannabis consumption starts with the question: why do you use cannabis?

Although cannabis has a long tradition as an aphrodisiac, many people are just now discovering that cannabis and CBD can be used to enrich their intimate experiences.

What does it mean to enhance intimate moments with cannabis? It could be a married couple looking to add a bit of creativity to their bedroom experience by splitting a cannabis-infused chocolate; a first date made more intimate and playful with a few hits from a vape pen; or a young woman who finds that consuming a small dose of THC makes it easier for her to reach orgasm in her solo sessions.

Can cannabis or CBD help you enhance your intimate moments? Jointly can help you find out, but first let’s review what is known about cannabis, CBD and intimacy.

Is Cannabis an Aphrodisiac?

Various traditional medicine systems have prized cannabis as an aphrodisiac. In 1965, Shri Dwarakanath, the Adviser in Indigenous Systems of Medicine for the Government of India, described numerous Ayurvedic formulations that contained cannabis and were prescribed as aphrodisiacs in rural areas. Dwarakanath noted that cannabis-based aphrodisiacs were found in both the Ayurvedic and Arab medical traditions and seem to have been used for hundreds of years. Evidently, humans have long used cannabis as an aphrodisiac.

But according to Nick Karras, a sexologist who has informally studied the effect of cannabis on people’s sex lives, “Dosing is essential when it comes to cannabis. Consume too much THC, and you may develop a closer relationship with your couch than your partner.”

A counselor of Ayurvedic medicine, Biljana Dušić, MD, seconded this notion: in the Ayurvedic tradition a small to moderate amount of cannabis is considered a powerful aphrodisiac, but habitual, heavy use of cannabis leads to a loss of sexual desire.

For enhancing intimacy, it’s probably best to start with a small dose.

What Does the Science Say About Cannabis and Intimacy?

Due to federal prohibition on cannabis, there is not enough research on how cannabis impacts sex or intimacy to state any firm conclusions. However, there have been several surveys and self-report studies that looked at how cannabis affected sexual frequency or subjective experience.

In 2017, researchers at Stanford University conducted a survey of more than 50,000 adults and found that cannabis use is associated with increased sexual frequency and that it does not appear to impair sexual function.

In 2018, researchers conducted an analysis of self-reported sexual effects of marijuana in a small group of men and women aged 18-25. They found that “the majority of marijuana users reported an increase in sexual enjoyment and orgasm intensity, as well as either an increase or no change in desire.”

Another small survey of men and women explored how cannabis alters people’s sexual experience. The researchers found that 38.7% said sex was better under the influence of cannabis, 58.9% said cannabis increased their desire for sex, 73.8% reported increased sexual satisfaction, 74.3% reported an increased sensitivity to touch, 65.7% reported an increased intensity of orgasms, and 69.8% said they could relax more during sex. While these results are fairly compelling, the survey was only conducted on a few hundred participants who responded to an advertisement, so it is unknown if these results can be generalized.

Biological Sex, Cannabis, and Intimacy

The scientific literature indicates that both men and women can experience a subjective improvement in sexual experiences when they use cannabis. But there is quite a bit of research that biological sex impacts how cannabis affects sexual function.

For females, the research has “almost consistently suggested a faciliatory effect of cannabis on subjective indices of sexual function.”

A study published in July of 2020 looked at whether the frequency of cannabis use, the chemovar (whether it has THC, CBD or both), or the method of consumption had an effect on female sexual function among cannabis users. They found that increased marijuana use was associated with improved sexual function in females. Chemovar type, method of consumption and reason for use did not impact the outcome.

A 2019 study explored how cannabis use prior to sex affected female sexual function and found that “with any use, the majority of women perceived improvement in overall experience, sex drive, orgasm and pain.”

The science on how cannabis affects sexual function in males is less conclusive. A literature review published in 2011 found contradictory results between studies and called for “renewed use of research resources” to learn how cannabis affects male sexual function.

Perception is Reality?

Some studies looking at male and female sexual function found a negative physiological effect of cannabis, but a positive subjective effect. For example, in males “it appears cannabis may actually have peripheral antagonizing effects on erectile function by stimulating specific receptors.” And in females, “cannabinoid receptor agonists, such as cannabis, may impair sexual arousal.”

Studies often focus on sexual arousal because there is a method for objectively measuring physiological arousal, whereas there is not an objective way to measure sexual desire.

Researchers discussing the difference between subjective and objective measures of sexual function stated, “While individuals may report enhanced sexual functioning while under the influence of certain substances, these substances are…often associated with decreased physiological sexual functioning.”

Of course, if people feel their intimate experiences are better when facilitated by cannabis or CBD, the objective physiological markers may not be as relevant.

Enhancing Intimacy with Cannabis

An informal survey was conducted between Eaze, a cannabis delivery service, and Lioness, a climax-tracking vibrator, on several hundred people. The Eaze-Lioness survey tracked the physiological markers of orgasm length and frequency. The survey found that “cannabis can increase the length, frequency, and quality of your orgasms and pleasure sessions whether you’re single or married, solo or with a partner, young adult or silver fox.”

Of course, this survey was not a scientifically rigorous study and more formal research is needed before any conclusions can be drawn. However, many couples have found that consuming cannabis enhances their intimate moments, and the science supports it.

A 2019 study looked at 183 heterosexual, frequent marijuana using couples, and found that using marijuana together, or individually but in the presence of the partner, increased the likelihood of the couple sharing an intimate experience within 2 hours of consumption. When couples used cannabis separately and alone (not in the presence of their partner), there was no increase in likelihood of intimacy.

The researchers concluded, “marijuana use is associated with increased experiences of intimacy, love, caring or support with one’s intimate partner in the next 2 hours.” They suggested it was plausible that subjective feelings of relaxation, happiness and wellbeing after cannabis use led the couples to “experience—or perceive—intimacy” with their partner.

Why Might Cannabis Enhance Intimacy?

The endocannabinoid system plays a central role in “controlling reproductive function in mammals and humans,” and the cannabinoid receptor has been mapped to areas of the brain that play a role in sexual function.

While it is clear that the endocannabinoid system plays an important role in sexual function, there are various other ways that cannabis or CBD can help people enhance their intimate experiences.

For example, scientists have postulated that cannabis may enhance intimate moments by lowering stress and anxiety or decreasing pain associated with sex. Others note that cannabis can slow down the perception of time, thus prolonging sensations of pleasure. Cannabis can also heighten the senses, changing how touch feels.

Whatever the mechanism of action, many people have found that cannabis and intimacy are natural bedfellows.

Complete Article HERE!

“Pleasure is not a dirty topic”

— Hannah Witton on sex toys, oversharing, and love in lockdown

Hannah Witton is a Youtuber and author who writes about relationships and sexual health.

Martha French and Lucie Richardson talk online content, what it means to feel sexy, and Valentine’s Day plans with Youtube sensation and sex educator Hannah Witton.

by Martha French & Lucie Richardson

“Schools and teachers are scared of broaching the topic of pleasure, because of the general erotophobia in our society and the myth that talking about sexual pleasure with young people is the same as telling them all to go have lots of sex. Pleasure is not a dirty topic, it’s not a dangerous topic – it should be an integral part of sex education as it’s an integral part of sex,” says Hannah Witton, “Leaving it out of sex ed (the words “pleasure” and “masturbation” don’t appear once in the Department for Education’s RSE guideance) isn’t protecting young people, it’s just perpetuating the same old message of shame”.

Never afraid to engage with the taboo, Witton rose to YouTube fame in the mid 2010s, amassing an impressive and continuously growing following; at present she has over 700,000 subscribers across two channels. Hannah is renowned for honest videos chronicling her life with ulcerative colitis, which required her to undergo an ileostomy – affectionately referred to as ‘Mona the Stoma’.

“Leaving it out of sex ed isn’t protecting young people, it’s just perpetuating the same old message of shame.”

However, her channel is by no means restricted to discussions of disability, featuring videos on everything from sex and relationships to books, finance, and home decor. Witton’s videos are unique in their ability to advise and educate viewers on problems big and small, all the while retaining an accessibility and a conviviality that keeps her audience coming back for more.

One of her most popular projects is the now annual ‘Instagram sex survey’, in which she asks her (largely female, twenty-something) following questions about their experience of and attitudes towards sex and relationships. Of this year’s results, she says “I think there’s been some more openness around solo sex and sex toys as a lot of people aren’t able to have partnered sex because of lockdown rules, and I’ve seen a general curiosity in sex tech as well, how different apps and toys can enhance sexual experiences over long distances”.

Witton has a positive take on the increasing digitization of the dating world, as “it’s fun, it connects you to other people, and if dating was something you enjoyed doing pre-pandemic it’s important to find ways to still do the things we enjoy or find new ways to get the benefits: new experiences, new connections with people”.

“I think there’s been some more openness around solo sex and sex toys as a lot of people aren’t able to have partnered sex because of lockdown rules.”

However, it is not only the pursuit of pleasure that has changed under the pandemic, Hannah sees it as a win for sexual health too: “the last 12 months has given us the language and tools to talk about our health status and getting tested in terms of COVID and I hope that we can translate that to how we talk about sexual health and STIs”. An ambassador for Brook – a national charity which offers sexual health services and education to young people – Witton often creates content designed to encourage her audience to take charge of their own sexual health and wellbeing. Her videos range from destigmatising taboo topics such as STI testing, to informing viewers about the pros and cons of different contraception methods.

Off the back of this Youtube fame, Witton has published two sex-ed style books. The first is Doing It: Let’s Talk About Sex… (2017), an honest and informative guide to understanding and approaching sex and relationships in the 21st century. The second, The Hormone Diaries: The Bloody Truth About Our Periods (2019), combines anecdotes and research to help reader’s tackle the “hormone rollercoaster” that is menstruation.

It is this increasing notoriety not only online but on bookshelves that has led Witton to reconsider her responsibilities and boundaries as an influencer. She admits to being in two minds about the discourse surrounding the obligation to speak up and share: “I used to think it was as simple as if you have a platform then you have a moral responsibility to do good with that – talk about issues, raise awareness, get your audience taking political action. And whilst those things are all still important, I also now think there is more nuance to what “good” is. Do your posts about interior design or music or cooking bring people joy? Great! Joy, fun, and play are just as important as talking about the causes we fight for. I’ve also seen a shift to this pressure and expectation placed on influencers to talk about every bad thing that happens in the world the moment it happens and if you don’t share your “response” in a timely manner then you are a terrible person. Just because someone isn’t sharing something publicly doesn’t mean they don’t care, doesn’t mean they’re not donating, doesn’t mean they’re not learning or taking action.”

Whilst her content is inherently confessional, in recent years Witton has made a conscious effort to separate elements of her day-to-day life from her online presence, most notably in the context of her relationship. However, Witton’s wedding this year brought a series of related content, and most recently she has been documenting her experiences of trying for a baby. Therefore, for Hannah, it remains “a conversation I’m always having with myself – what I’m comfortable sharing and what I’m not. I don’t have any hard lines other than just listening to my gut”.

This no-pressure outlook extends too to her lockdown expectations, for she accepts that the pandemic hasn’t taught her much about herself – “and I think that’s fine! You don’t have to be having massive revelations during lockdown, you can just be the same person you were before”.

Over the years, Witton has gained a thorough understanding of her own relationship with her sexuality and she frequently uses this knowledge to spark discussion or moments of self-discovery with her following. When asked if she had any specific tips or tricks that she uses to help herself feel sexy she responded: “It’ll be different for everyone but I love putting on sexy lingerie – that’s a quick way to get me out of life mindset and into sexy mindset. But I do think we often focus too much on what will make us feel sexy rather than what will help us step out of all the things we’ve been doing and worrying about during the day. What can you do to be able to step out of that to allow the sexy feelings to emerge? It could be as simple as turning your phone off, having an uninterrupted conversation with your partner, having a dance and literally shaking off all the life or work or school thoughts”.

And does Hannah herself have any plans for Valentine’s day this year? “No,” she laughs, “Just a regular Sunday in lockdown”.

Complete Article HERE!

I’m A Sex Therapist

— Here Are 6 Questions I Get Asked About Sex In Long-Term Relationships

By Dania Schiftan, Ph.D.

As part of the 10-step program for increased sexual responsiveness that I lead women through in my new book Coming Soon, I also share dozens of questions I commonly receive from people about the sex they’re having (or not having) in their long-term relationships. Here’s just a smattering of those questions and how I answer them:

1. At the beginning of my relationship, I came to orgasm much more quickly and more often during sex. Why is that?

Emotional passion, which is usually greater at the beginning of a relationship than later, influences our desire for sex. Hormones massively boost our sensations and cause us to feel touch more intensely. Couples also tend to move much more at the beginning than they do later. The desire to explore a new body calls for activity. When a relationship is new, we are usually in a phase where everything flows, and time flies. At this stage, we’re sending and receiving stimulation that leads to greater desire and more orgasms on all levels and through all channels. Some couples look back wistfully at the beginning of their relationship and think they’ve lost this passion for each other. But this, too, is a fallacy because passion can also be learned!

2. Won’t I be emotionally absent if I just concentrate on myself during sex? Won’t the sex be impersonal if I’m getting lost in my own world?

You’re not absent—you’re just focusing on yourself and on your sensations and experience with your partner. If you’re thinking about your grocery list or feeling annoyed by your partner during sex, you’re much more absent. But sure, at first your partner may be confused to see you moving more or taking more care of yourself. In the long run, he’ll benefit from this too.

Apart from that, many men say it’s important to them to feel how aroused their partner is. If two people lie in bed, each waiting for the other to become aroused, not much will happen. The arousal of one person has a positive effect on the arousal of the other.

3. Won’t the sex be worse if I’m more selfish?

The sex will change, but it certainly won’t get worse. Over time, it will get much, much better—because you’ll enjoy it more, and that will turn your partner on. By concentrating more on your sensations, you’re more in the here and now, and you can react more to your partner’s arousal. Neither of you will be distracted by unerotic things like your last credit card bill. But yes: Improving sex means changing it. And with change comes risk. If you do what you’ve always done, you at least know what you’re getting. It takes courage to trade something familiar for something new. Dare to try it.

4. What should I do if I don’t feel like sex—for example, if we just had a big fight?

Of course, you don’t have to have sex then, or ever. But maybe you’ve noticed that you can use your body to influence your feelings, and not just the other way around. Anger, bad moods, or stress can change for the better if you and your partner have a nice, passionate time on a physical level. You don’t need to be in perfect harmony for that.

Having sex despite a fight can have a totally positive effect on your relationship: On the one hand because sex and orgasms help you to relax, and on the other hand because it’s a way to come closer to each other again. But how can you open yourself to sex when you feel no desire? By throwing yourself into it even if you don’t feel like it. Think of the party principle: Go to your partner, make out with him, stroke him tenderly. That way, you stop the downward spiral. Of course, I’m not saying you should have sex against your will. It’s just about giving yourself or each other a chance to see whether your appetite grows when you taste the food. Like the words one of my students has as a tattoo: “When you cuddle, you repair each other.”

5. What should I do when my partner doesn’t feel like it?

After a while, many couples end up in a pattern of “reverse seduction.” This subject would be enough to fill a book, but in short what it means is this: The partners blame each other, are easily offended, and have very specific ideas about how they want to be seduced. But seduction actually means, “How can I get the other person to do something that I want to do?” As a seductress, you have to think about how you can motivate your partner to participate. For example, if you want to go see a sappy movie and you know it’s not the kind of film your partner likes, you have to get creative and think about how you can get her to come anyway. You promise popcorn and rave about the actress. You think about what she might go for. If you know her soft spots, you exploit them. Translated to the bedroom, this means, “How can I make sex appealing to my partner again?”

6. We’ve known each other so long. Wouldn’t it be strange to suddenly pretend I don’t know what my partner wants?

Rethink your understanding of seduction. In your daily life, you’re often trying to make what you want appealing to your partner. Why shouldn’t you do the same with sex? Think about how you seduce him in other parts of life, and transfer this to sex. Let go of clichés. Seduction doesn’t necessarily mean a garter belt and negligee. It starts long before sex. It could be text messages, long looks, playing with closeness and distance, casually stroking his arm, and then going away again. But if you want to wear a garter belt, go for it! Courage always pays off.

In a long-term relationship, you experience a lot together and know each other inside and out. This is wonderful, but it also brings you so close that you rarely have a chance to long for your partner or see him from a distance. This happens automatically: The other person is always there. An erotic relationship, therefore, requires a little distance and space now and then: alone time. This is very important for your sexuality as well. I advise my patients to spend time alone or with friends and to deliberately plan time for themselves. This leads to being excited about each other again—and maybe even to feeling in love.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Some penis microbes may increase the risk of vaginal infections after penetrative sex

By

  • A new study found that 10 types of bacteria found on men’s penises were predictors in whether their female partners developed bacterial vaginosis.
  • Bacterial vaginosis is a vaginal infection that affects 1 in 3 women. Experts are unsure what exactly causes bacterial vaginosis.
  • The researchers said that their study suggests men’s sexual health and women’s are inextricably linked, and that heterosexual couples should work together to promote each other’s sexual wellbeing.

Women may have a higher risk of vaginal bacterial infection after penetrative sex with men, depending on the type of microbiota on their partner’s penis, a study has found.

Bacterial vaginosis is a type of vaginal bacterial infection that affects 1 in 3 women, but, according to the CDC, health experts are still unsure what causes it.

For the study, University of Illinois at Chicago researchers looked at 168 heterosexual couples in Kenya over a year. Just over half (56%) of the men they studied had circumcised penises, and circumcision status can affect the amount and types of bacteria on a penis.

None of the women had bacterial vaginosis at the start of the study. The researchers found that 31% of the women in the study developed bacterial vaginosis during the year-long trial.

In addition to testing the bacteria in the women’s vaginas, they also examined each man’s penile microbiota during the initial screening and three follow-up appointments.

The researchers concluded that the men were a defining factor in the women’s risk of infection. They identified 10 species of penile bacteria that appeared to increase a woman’s risk of BV. The men who carried on their penis one or more of the 10 species, his female partner was more likely to develop bacterial vaginosis.

Men should be involved in women’s reproductive health

The study’s findings don’t mean a man’s penis causes bacterial vaginosis in women, according to Dr. Supriya Mehta, lead study author and an epidemiologist at University of Illinois at Chicago.

But his team’s findings suggest male and female sexual health are inextricably linked, especially for heterosexual couples.

“I would like for clinicians, researchers, and the public to be inclusive of male sex partners in their efforts to improve women’s reproductive health,” Mehta said in a statement. “Not to place directionality or blame on one partner or another, but to increase the options and opportunity for improved reproductive health, and hopefully reduce stigma from BV.”

There were caveats to this study. Only 46% of the 168 couples attended all four doctor’s office visits during the year-long trial, so the researchers have incomplete data for some couples, which could cause skewed results. Additionally, the researchers looked at a small sample of only Kenyan couples who were heterosexual, so the results may not be applicable on a universal scale, across countries, cultures, and sexualities.

Mehta said more research should be done to determine how men can look after their own genital health to protect the genital health of women with whom they’re sexually active.

Complete Article HERE!

How BDSM Can Help With Pandemic Fatigue

By Gigi Engle

We are all experiencing pandemic fatigue. Whether you’re coping well or poorly, you’re still coping. And because the world is drenched in stress, developing effective coping mechanisms has never been more important.

Enter BDSM.

While I hate to bring up the most obvious examples, Fifty Shades of Grey and Netflix’s 365 Days and Bonding have successfully catapulted BDSM into the mainstream and, while seriously problematic in their own ways, these popular Hollywood-style depictions of kink have allowed what was once a seemingly fringe sexual practice to bloom in the open. People are really feeling kink right now. New research conducted by psychologist Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., suggests that nearly half of Americans have tried some sort of bondage or power play in bed.

Considering the psychological dynamics involved in BDSM play, it isn’t a far reach to see how BDSM could help people cope with pandemic stress. Pandemic fatigue is enough to test even the strongest of relationships. Anything (within reason) that can help us cope with stress can and should be utilized right now. Practitioners of kink will be the first to tell you that BDSM reduces stress and anxiety and improves communication—all of which is crucial to maintaining relationships during difficult times. “BDSM play, during this pandemic, would be a great way to achieve decreased stress while creating a delicious distraction to outside-world concerns and an opportunity to work on your relational connection,” Kristine D’Angelo, a certified sexologist, tells TheBody.

Everywhere you look, sex experts are suggesting people try new sex stuff as a way to gain closeness with a partner. Working on increased connection and intimacy is certainly more appealing than relationship estrangement.

Long story short, now is an optimal time to get kinky. It can really change your sex life and open up new relationship dynamics for lots of people. Open your mind, guys. You don’t need to go buy a bespoke corset or a full set of restraints. You can easily tie someone up using a loose T-shirt or spank them with a wooden kitchen spoon. Kink is for everyone and anyone who wants to try it.

What BDSM Is (and What It Isn’t)

BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism. You may be picturing whips, chains, and ball gags right now. While these tools can be used in this kind of play, they aren’t required. What BDSM really comes down to is control. It’s a desire to give up or receive control over someone. There is something deeply sensual about this giving and receiving—this complete power exchange.

What BDSM is: a safe and consensual sexual practice. What it is not: dangerous and for people who want to cause harm to others.

Let’s get one thing very clear: There is nothing wrong with you if you want to try BDSM. You’re probably just a person with a rich fantasy life—and we should celebrate that. According to a 2008 study, those who engage in BDSM are no more depraved or psychologically “damaged” than anyone else.

BDSM is a really fun way to try out different roles, whether dominant, submissive, or both. It can involve pain or it can not. It’s a totally customizable experience that you get to create with your partner. There is no wrong way to play—as long as everything is negotiated and safe, both physically and emotionally. Communication is a cornerstone of this practice.

Kink and Stress Release

One of the biggest reasons kinky folks love BDSM play is because of its tension-relieving effects. For instance, when you spend all day bossing people around at your day job, it can be very liberating to have a lover tell you what to do or give you a spanking. “Many people enjoy the BDSM lifestyle because it provides them with a way to escape into their ‘happy place.’ It’s been scientifically proven that the endorphins and other neurochemicals released while participating in BDSM are mood enhancers,” Angel Rios, a sexpert at AdultFriendFinder, the world’s largest sex and swinger community, tells TheBody.

We’re in the midst of a pandemic. If a new, fun way of exploring sexuality with your partner can offer up a bit of mental decompression, that sounds like a real win. “BDSM play provides a little escape from reality. A session can take you out of a state of mind which may be focused on survival in troubling times,” Daniel Saynt, founder and chief conspirator of the New Society for Wellness (NSFW), a members-only club focused on kink, tells TheBody. “You can focus on yourselves and the pleasures you can derive even in the most hopeless situations.”

Before You Get Started, There Are Some Things You Should Know

Before you go tying your partner up and having a free-for-all, you need to get really clear on the basics of consent and negotiation and commit yourself to doing proper research in advance of trying anything too intense. You don’t want to go spanking someone with the fury of a thousand suns if you don’t know how to properly spank someone in a way that won’t cause damage. Likewise, you don’t want to tie someone to the bed only to realize you’re cutting off circulation to your partner’s hands. These practices are very fun and very safe if done correctly. But, that takes sharpening your skills.

Luckily, the internet can provide plenty of articles, online workshops, and videos to help you on your kinky journey.

Saynt suggests checking out videos and workshops from Jet Setting Jasmine and King Noire, two staples of the kinky community, who have taken their rigorous BDSM skills to the online space. You can also check out Sunny Megatron’s four-part video series on YouTube called BDSM 101. For some reading, check out The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play, and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino.

Even the act of learning about BDSM can be a form of foreplay and stress release—and it’ll give you something to do on those particularly dull and frustrating pandemic nights. We’re all a bit on edge right now. Make the most of it, and turn up the heat.

Complete Article HERE!

Sex-Positivity Means Unlearning Shame

Love & Lust 2021: Developing a Sense of Self

By

When I was five years old, my parents gave my sister and me a book called “Where Did I Come From?”

Published in 1973, the book featured illustrations and explanations of how babies are made. On the front and back covers were a sea of cartoon sperm swimming across the page with smiles on their faces. The book featured a friendly-looking (straight white) couple in various forms of undress; kissing, holding hands and “making love.”

My next lessons on sex came in the fourth grade, in North Carolina public school health classes. On a special day that required advance parental consent in order for students to participate, “boys and girls” were separated and sent to two different rooms to view scientific diagrams of our reproductive systems.

I remember feeling awkward in a room full of pre-pubescent youth, all of us squirming nervously through informational videos on puberty — groaning and giggling through re-enactments of first periods and wet dreams.

Before I started having sex, however, most of what I learned about it came from mainstream media: TV, music, and movies.

I remember being shocked and delighted to see portrayals of sex as a young person — the iconic sweaty backseat-window-of-the-car moment from Titanic, music video countdowns featuring scantily clad women, suggestive choreography at my very first Spice Girls concert.

As a kid, my media consumption was regulated to the extent that it could be. My mother would likely be horrified to know that, in middle and high school, I spent many an unsupervised hour at sleepovers watching BET Uncut, a late-night program that streamed sexually explicit, raunchy music videos. Many of these videos were, essentially, DIY low-budget films bordering on actual porn, and the rest were more mainstream but deemed too “mature” to show during regular countdowns. Women were almost exclusively featured in these videos as sexual objects — sporting thongs and tight dresses, licking and poking out their glistening lips, winding and bouncing and bending.

Coming of Age: Sex and Sexist Messages

I grew up unknowingly queer in the Christian, conservative South, and heteronormativity (the assumption of heterosexuality and adherence to a gender binary) pervaded most, if not all, of the lessons I learned about sex. These lessons on what was “acceptable” or “standard” behavior when it came to sex distorted my understanding of what sex was and what it could be. I did not know I was queer until my twenties because, before my twenties, I did not even know what “queer” was. I did not know that sex could be something other than the penetrative sex between a cisgender, heterosexual woman and a cisgender, heterosexual man because I had never seen it.

Until adulthood, nobody in my life talked openly about sex outside of conversations about safety or abstinence.

I learned about sex as a practical endeavor (for the purpose of making babies) and as the standard rule of intimate engagement between cishet men and cishet women (for the purpose of male orgasm). I learned that sex was a thing to be done behind closed doors. I learned that sex was dangerous and risky. I learned that sex was complex and rife with double standards.

Much of my sex education came from social myths. It seemed widely understood that for people assigned male at birth (AMAB), pursuing sex was totally normal and natural, but for people assigned female at birth (AFAB), it was devious and shameful.

Teenage me looked on in horror as the girls who wore low-cut shirts or miniskirts were admonished for having no self-respect, and the ones who made out with boys in the back rows of movie theatres were villainized and shamed for being “sluts.”  I learned, through years of observing the social stigma attached to sexual girls, that sex was something to do quietly and privately — that if I was going to do it, no one should know.

For years, I believed that something was wrong with me for being curious about sex for pleasure. I felt wrong for fantasizing about being sexually intimate with someone. I saw sex as something strange and dangerous, not just for the physical risks it posed to the body, but for how quickly it could lower one’s social worth. So, I suppressed my sexual desires. I learned to be ashamed of them.

Sexual Initiation and Sexual Passivity

The first time I had sex was on the top bunk of a dorm room bed at 19.

My boyfriend at the time, like most of my cishet male sexual partners, had had more experiences with sex than I — not only through having it but through watching porn. Since it was my first time, I deemed him the expert and deferred to him to facilitate our first sexual encounter.

It was uninspiring, to say the least.

I lay on my back in the dark, quiet as a mouse and stiff as a board, as he huffed and puffed on top of me. It was awkward and uncomfortable, and after all was said and done, I turned over and wept into his pillow. Gut-wrenching, loud, ugly sobs. I left feeling dirty. Ruined. I felt like I had “lost” something — like my value as a person worthy of respect had just dropped tenfold.

Despite spending three (monogamous) years in a relationship together, this boyfriend and I never actually had a conversation about what positive, consensual sex looked like. Our sex was boring and routine, and almost always ended with his orgasm, not mine. After we broke up, my sexual experiences varied slightly but pretty much had the same script, different cast. Even when my sexual partners were not cishet men, I followed their lead. I was agreeable, I went along for the ride.

My fear of being labeled a social deviant, a slut, had yielded a lingering sexual apathy — I learned to be passive within sexual encounters. I learned not to consider my own desires and instead to be “okay with” and “down for” anything. I spent years prioritizing my partners’ sexual experience and pleasure over my own, following their lead, doing what I was told. It was not until well into adulthood — and several difficult, transparent conversations with a TGNC (Trans Gender-Nonconforming) sex-positive partner that I realized how desperately I needed to unlearn what I had been taught about sex.

Queer Conversations: Finding Sex-Positivity

Several months into our relationship, my ex-partner — who, for a bit of context, proudly described themself as “pro-ho” — asked, “What do I have to do to get you to ask me for sex?” The question stopped me in my tracks. Admittedly, I hadn’t even noticed that they were always the one who initiated our sexual rendezvous. They expressed frustration over this discrepancy and communicated their desire to feel wanted and to be pursued. After reflecting on why it rarely occurred to me to play a lead role in our sex life, I realized: I never did it because, in the past, I never had to. All of my previous partners came on to me. I had never protested, and none of them had ever complained.

Being in a partnership with someone whose sexual expression is a core part of their identity — someone deeply invested in the pursuit of pleasure and joy — made me glaringly aware of my own internalized sex-negativity.

I discovered how much shame around sex I had internalized, and how much that shame had stunted the growth of my own sexual identity and sexual expression.

I realized that I had allowed myself to become, as James Baldwin so brilliantly put it, a “co-conspirator” in my own oppression. Patriarchy, a social system in which cisgender heterosexual men dominate, is fundamentally rooted in women/AFAB people not feeling in control of their bodies.

Under patriarchy, women — and especially women of color — are systematically disconnected from our bodies. We are socialized not to consider what feels good to us, but as to how we can use our bodies in service of men.

I am working to unlearn these lessons and to exercise full agency over my body. I am working on moving away from shame, stigma, and silence towards a personal sex-positivity. Sex-positivity is a complex notion, and lots of folks have lots of things to say about what it actually means. For me, sex-positivity is the belief that sex, as long as it is healthy and consensual, is a positive thing. The Center for Positive Sexuality provides this definition:

“A sex-positive perspective acknowledges the wide range of human and sexual diversity among individuals; a multitude of sexual identities, orientations, and practices; gender presentations; and the need for accessible healthcare and education. Sex positivity also encourages open and safe communication, ethics, consent, empowerment of sexual minorities, and the resolution of various social problems that are associated with sexuality.”

Moving away from shame and towards sex-positivity means, first and foremost, that I must affirm myself as a sexual being. I have to stop pretending sex isn’t a part of my life. I have to let go of thoughts and beliefs that prevent me from taking control over what happens to my body.

Ultimately, what I want out of sex are the same things I want out of my life as a whole: curiosity, a spirit of play, openness, vulnerability, connectivity, pleasure, freedom.

Unlearning shame is not a journey that will happen overnight, but it’s a worthy endeavor nonetheless. Being sex-positive is about so much more than just having great sex. It’s, in the words of Toni Morrison, about “letting go of the shit that weighs me down.” It’s about prioritizing my own opinions, my own desires, and ultimately, my own happiness. It’s about taking full responsibility for my life and the experiences I have within it.

And what could be more radical than that?

Complete Article HERE!

How to introduce sex toys into your relationship

By Mark Hay

Bringing sex toys into partnered sex can open up entirely new realms of pleasure for everyone involved.

Toys do things our bodies just cannot, like pulse and vibrate. These novel sensations can help many people have more consistent and frequent — or complex and intense — orgasmic experiences. And the sheer variety of experiences on offer can help couples keep their sex varied and interesting, which certainly helps to maintain desire in long-term relationships.

Sounds good, right? But even as taboos around using sex toys in general fade, sex counselor Aleece Fosnight notes that many still hesitate to broach the idea of bringing a toy to bed with partners.

So, why do we pause when it comes to using sex toys with partners?

The hesitation often stems, at least in part, from persistent beliefs that toys are for solo play, while sex is about two people meeting each other’s every want and need with their bodies alone, explains Fosnight.

Marketing that frames toys as stand-ins for absent partners, or solutions to sexual problems, doesn’t help, adds Amy Boyajian of toy maker and retailer Wild Flower. It leads people — especially straight cis men who rarely engage with toys — to view interest in toys as an attack on their sexual performance, or as sexual competition. (They definitively are not.) And Gretchen Leigh, a sex educator who works with the toy retailer She Bop, notes that people always worry about being weird, so rather than rock the boat, they “assume, ‘this is what this person likes in sex,’ and stay the course forever.”

How to have the sex toy conversations we want to have — and better sex, too

Talking to partners about exploring sex toys does not have to be a daunting or difficult endeavor. A half-dozen sex counselors, educators, and toy experts recently shared a few key tips and tricks for broaching the issue painlessly and productively with Mashable.

Consider the timing

One of the biggest mistakes people make when trying to introduce toys to their partners, these experts said, is attempting to just whip them out during sex. Unless you know your partner is comfortable with you and appreciates surprises during sex, Boyajian says, this “can leave them feeling anxious and pressured,” potentially dredging up insecurities or creating conflict.

Instead, set aside time outside of sex for a conversation about bringing toys into your play. “It’s easy to do in a new relationship,” says sexologist Carol Queen. That’s when you’ll ideally already be talking openly about your sexual preferences and can just work toys into those chats. But talking about sexual preferences takes a level of vulnerability that not everyone feels comfortable with early on. Even those who do may not think or feel able in early talks to broach toys specifically.

And that’s fine. There is no optimal time in a relationship to talk about sex toys. Months or even years down the road, once you’ve started having more open and regular conversations about your sexual wants and needs, you can raise the topic of toys. If you’ve never had a conversation like that, mentioning toys could be a good foothold to open up wider intimate dialogue. If you’re not sure how to start that first conversation, Fosnight recommends framing it as an idea you encountered in an article, in online talk, or during a chat with a friend.

Don’t criticize or apologize

No matter when or how you start the conversation, try not to connect your interest in toys to an explicit critique of or frustration with the sex you’re currently having. That will play right into potential underlying insecurities your partner may hold.

Don’t apologize or shy away from your own desires either, as that’s a good way to build up anxiety and stress on one or both sides of the conversation. Instead, try “coming from a place of exploration,” Boyajian suggests, in which sex toys are one of many exciting things you can try together to see what you can add to your sex life, to bring you both new and great experiences. “Most of us want our partners to have pleasure during sex, and will be willing to seek higher forms of pleasure together,” Leigh notes.

Don’t force the idea

If your partner is not open to the conversation or idea, don’t force toys on them with insistence or ultimatums. Instead, Jenni Skyler, a sexologist who works with adult retail giant Adam & Eve, suggests trying to talk, then or later, about why that idea makes them uncomfortable, then finding ways down the road to address any fears or stigmas about toys or sex that they may harbor. 

Be truly open to the idea of exploration

If your partner is interested in exploring the potential of toys, try not to dictate what that will look like — the toys you’re going to use together and how you’re going to use them. Instead, keep talking, in that first conversation and later on, about the kinds of sensations you both enjoy or are interested in exploring and how you could see toys playing into the sex you already have. Encourage each other to think outside the box of genital stimulation. Talk about the way your ideas overlap or differ. From that place of understanding, you can start to dive more fully into toys.

You or your partner may already have one or more toys you use alone that you’re excited about exploring together. In that case, Fosnight recommends that the partner with a toy bring it into bed at an agreed-upon time and demonstrate how they use it on themself, then guiding their partner, verbally or physically, to join in, or talk through how to try using the toy on or with each other.

You may also want to explore all-new toys together, to find something that fits your unique dynamic as a duo. Boyajian recommends turning toy research and shopping into a couple’s activity, a chance to build intimacy and mutual excitement and expectation. But Leigh cautions against falling into the trap of just exploring toys marketed for couples. There are a ton of guides online, some backed by sexual health experts. Yet they “aren’t in any way guaranteed to work better for couples than any other toys,” she explains.

In fact, many are built on presumptions about their users’ anatomies, and attempt to stimulate both parties at the same time. The same type of stimulation rarely works for two people at once, and many people actually enjoy using a toy on their partners — watching their partner use a toy, or mutual masturbation using two different toys — more than the two-party stimulations on offer.

Be safe…

“Any toy can potentially be used as a couple’s toy,” Leigh stresses. Of course, with so many toys to choose from, the selection can be daunting. Just remember there’s no rush. Take your time to explore your options together: Read toy reviews, consult friends and experts, and, once you do buy one or more toys, explore ways of using them.

Some outlets have published ostensibly definitive guides on how couples can use various toys. But as long as you’re being safe (e.g., not putting toys without a flared base up your anus and using ample toy-safe lube during any insertive play), “then you get to make the rules,” Boyajain stresses. “If it feels good, then it’s right for you!”

And have fun with it

“Be willing to laugh at the toy and yourself,” Skyler adds, because sometimes, inevitably, your experiments will not work out. That can be frustrating, because toys certainly aren’t cheap. You can, however, find good guides online to functional, body-safe toys that will help your engage in expansive rounds of exploration with a partner — without breaking the bank.

And remember, even when things don’t go perfectly or as expected, it’s all part of the journey you’re taking with your partner, and can help bring you closer as well.

And … that’s it! Follow these simple, flexible steps and you’ll be well on your way into the wide and wonderful world of toy-enhanced partnered sex.

Complete Article HERE!

25 Best Couples Therapy Techniques, Exercises, and Activities to Try in 2021

by Jillian Goltzman

Online resources and telehealth has made couples therapy more accessible than ever.

If you’re looking to engage in self-improvement and enhance your relationship, there’s a multitude of techniques and exercises at your fingertips.

Couples therapy techniques

Reflective listening

“Reflective listening is a highly beneficial exercise where the couple take turns being active listeners,” says Laura Louis, a licensed psychologist at Atlanta Couple Therapy.

Use “I” phrases instead of “you” statements. For example, say “I feel hurt when you do X” instead of “You’re wrong for doing X.”

“When couples take turns being active listeners, it boosts healthy communication skills as well as conflict resolution skills for the couple,” Louis says.

Emotionally focused therapy

Many therapists use a method called emotionally focused therapy (EFT).

The goal is for couples “to identify maladaptive patterns within the relationship that are interfering with secure bonds and attachments,” says Ansley Campbell, a clinical director at The Summit Wellness Group.

People “learn and utilize techniques to heal or create safe and secure attachments within the relationship,” she explains.

Narrative therapy

The practice of narrative therapy revolves around people describing their problems in narrative form and rewriting their stories. This can help them see that no single story can possibly encapsulate the totality of their experience.

“There will always be inconsistencies and contradictions,” says Sam Nabil, CEO and lead therapist at Naya Clinics.

Narrative therapy may be helpful for couples who feel like their relationship is failing due to both of their faults.

“These couples often believe that they’re subject to this romantic pitfall and emotional trauma because they have been a ‘failure’ from the start and it is what they ‘deserve,’” Nabil says.

Gottman Method

The Gottman Method is a popular method practiced among couples therapists. The technique is designed to help couples deepen their understanding of one another while managing conflict in their relationship.

The Gottman Institute has more than 40 years of research under its belt. It provides live workshops and take-home training materials for couples, but many therapists have also trained using the Gottman Institute’s methods.

Imago relationship therapy

Imago relationship therapy, developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt in 1980, emphasizes the connection between adult relationships and childhood experiences.

By understanding childhood trauma, the therapy seeks to make couples more empathetic and understanding of one another.

Solution-focused therapy

If you’re experiencing a particular issue or want to work toward a specific goal, solution-focused therapy is a model to consider.

According to the Institute for Solution-Focused Therapy, the practice is “a short-term goal-focused evidence-based therapeutic approach which helps clients change by constructing solutions rather than dwelling on problems.”

Couples therapy exercises and activities

Get crafty

“Having a physically visible vision board can help remind you of your shared desires and goals for when you are having issues within the relationship,” Louis says.

She advises couples to get crafty by writing down goals and collecting pictures that embody your relationship desires.

“It’s a tangible reminder that a marriage is a work in progress, and that it takes hard work and time on both ends to create a strong, healthy, and long lasting relationship,” she says.

Find deeper topics to engage with

Get over surface-level conversations and ask your partner questions other than “What’s for dinner?”

Kelly Sinning, a Colorado-based licensed professional counselor, likes to give her clients the homework of simply talking with each other.

“Oftentimes, we get so busy and caught up in the day-to-day needs, we don’t realize that we stop having conversations about anything else,” she explains.

Express appreciation

Expressing gratitude and communicating what works in your relationship can help strengthen your appreciation for one another.

“Make it a habit of expressing appreciation daily through in-person conversations, texts, or a sticky note in a place your partner will find it,” suggests Meagan Prost, a licensed professional clinical counselor at Center for Heart Intelligence.

Identify your partner’s love language

Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you experience love in the same way.

“The 5 Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman has helped couples identify what makes them feel loved so they can show up for each other.

The five love languages are based on the idea that each person has a preferred way of receiving love:

  • receiving gifts
  • acts of service
  • words of affirmation
  • quality time
  • physical touch

Take the online quiz with your partner to discover your love language and better understand each other.

Schedule important conversations

Are you looking to have an important or difficult discussion with your partner? Take it from the experts: Serious talks are best when you have a plan.

“We often engage in conflict because the timing is wrong, and we aren’t in a frame of mind where we can thoughtfully engage in conversation,” says Alisha Powell, PhD, LCSW, with Amethyst Counseling and Consulting.

She advises tough conversations be scheduled in advance so no one is caught off guard.

Pencil in one-on-one time

While life can feel hectic, don’t let outside pressures override time with your partner.

“Scheduling an hour of ‘couples time’ to get intimate is a great start. Scheduling an hour of time to focus on topics that will help improve the relationship can be done several times a week or once a week,” says Grazel Garcia, LMFT.

Fill your intimacy bucket

As a couple and as individuals, understand that you both have intimacy needs.

Garcia calls this the “intimacy bucket,” which includes the following types of intimacy:

  • intellectual
  • experiential
  • social
  • emotional
  • sexual

Spend time finding exercises in each bucket. For example, you can explore a new hobby together or socialize with mutual friends on a Zoom game night.

Practice partner yoga

Consider teaming up with your partner for couples yoga.

Partner yoga allows you to balance together with your partner, establishing and strengthening trust as you flow through tandem moves.

A 2016 study linked mindfulness to increased relationship satisfaction. By synchronizing your breathing, you’ll be one with your partner during your practice — and the benefits may even exceed your yoga class.

The 6-second kiss

Don’t knock this technique before you try it. Dr. John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute, advocates for the 6-second kiss. It’s a way for couples to add a dash of romance seamlessly throughout the day.

The kiss is just long enough to be passionate while also acting as a distraction from the busyness of the day.

Show interest in each other’s day

When was the last time you asked your partner what they were most excited about for the day?

Spending a few moments discussing your partner’s agenda and goals will help support them and make them feel cared for in your relationship.

With her clients, Prost finds that “curiosity can help your partner feel connected to you.”

Share a list of things you want from your partner

Write down three things your partner could do weekly that would make you happy. Share your list with one another while looking in each other’s eyes.

The lists may not be something your partner can do every day, but a reminder of things they can manage to do once a week to help build trust and communication.

“The point is that we all show and need affection in different ways, and honoring those differences is essential to feeling heard and understood,” says Nyro Murphy, LCPC.

Have an icebreaker

You might remember icebreakers from summer camp or work seminars, but this go-to conversation-starting game may help reinvigorate your relationship and teach you something new about your partner.

Reintroduce yourself to your partner by setting time to discuss icebreaker questions that dig beneath the surface.

Connect through music

Remember the days of making your school crush the ultimate mixtape?

A 2011 study found that shared music preferences create stronger social bonds.

Feel the nostalgia and curate your own playlist of songs that remind you of your partner and the moments you’ve shared. Swap your playlists and get a peek into each other’s romantic side.

Start a book club for two

Reading can allow you to share an experience together at your own pace. Alternate the responsibility of choosing a book that’s grabbed your attention, and set a date to discuss it over dinner.

Eye gazing

Initiating long-held eye contact with your partner may help you two feel a stronger connection.

Prolonged eye contact can help you recognize emotions, build trustTrusted Source, and increase intimacy.

A 2018 study associated eye gazing with “self-other merging,” reducing the boundary between yourself and the other person to feel unity.

As the saying goes, the eyes are the window to the soul, so why not give it a try?

Practice gratitude

Gratitude has many benefits, including boosting well-being for yourself and your relationship.

A 2017 studyTrusted Source found that sharing gratitude with your partner increases oxytocin, a hormone that helps calm you and decrease stress. Researchers in the study found that gratitude led to a “greater experienced love” in the 129 participants.

At the end of each day, take time to share three things you’re grateful for with your partner.

Increase your cuddle time

There’s a reason why cuddling with your partner feels so good: Cuddling causes your body to release oxytocin and reduces cortisol, the stress hormone.

Penn Medicine reports that hugging can also lower resting blood pressure and regulate sleep patterns. If you’re feeling warm and fuzzy, your body is doing its job!

Invest in a therapy workbook

Find a couples therapy workbook in a book store or online and take time each week to go through assigned activities with your partner.

Dr. Annie Hsueh, PhD, of Hope and Sage Psychological Services, recommends her clients read and answer the question prompts in “Hold Me Tight” by Dr. Sue Johnson.

Hsueh also recommends “The Couple Home Connection System,” a workbook filled with exercises designed to help couples connect in “deeper, more meaningful ways.”

Unplug from your devices

According to a 2014 report by the Pew Research Center, 25 percent of people in a serious relationship say cellphones distract their partner when they’re alone together.

If distraction and a feeling of absenteeism is infiltrating your relationship, experiment with setting aside time to fully unplug and communicate with each other.

Every relationship has conflict. Learning how to handle your conflicts can not only patch up your issues but also make your relationship much stronger.

In couples therapy, a licensed counselor works with two people to improve their relationship.

Like any form of therapy, couples counseling requires a commitment and willingness to open up from both involved parties.

According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, more than 98 percent of people reported marriage and family therapy services as good or excellent.

Counseling doesn’t have to be a guarded practice reserved for any “type” of person. Couples therapy can help anyone in a relationship, regardless of demographics like sexual orientation and age.

“Couples can form a more secure bond with one another and be able to have vulnerable conversations without pushing the other person away,” Hsueh says.

When committing to couples therapy, come with an open mind, and be ready to break down the barriers of communication.

If you’re in need of a relationship refresh, counseling may be a great option for you.

No matter your situation, every couple can benefit from participating in couples therapy and acquiring a toolkit to deepen their connection with their loved one.

“The benefits to couples therapy are endless. The mere act of seeking couples therapy can be a demonstration of the significance and importance you place on your relationship,” says Nikki Young, LMFT.

“My goal in couples therapy is to teach couples how to navigate life together as a team, so that ultimately they say, ‘Hey, thanks for the support, but we got it from here,’” she adds.

The perks of couples therapy can include:

  • having a third-party mediator to help facilitate constructive conversations
  • finding new ways to communicate with your partner
  • decreasing distress and conflict within your relationship
  • being intentional with your time and words
  • setting time to dedicate to the improvement of your relationship
  • creating a safe, calm space in therapy to discuss difficult topics
  • practicing techniques to enhance emotional and physical intimacy
  • forming action plans to make your relationship a priority
  • identifying harmful or damaging patterns in your relationship and working around them
  • rebuilding trust with one another
  • establishing healthy boundaries in your relationship
  • having a therapist who can identify underlying issues and emotions you might not be aware exist
  • discovering and developing valuable skills to manage conflict
  • finding common ground and learning to relate to each other in a loving, kind way
  • feeling supported and listened to in your relationship
  • building skills to identify your needs and wants in a relationship

When it comes to committing to couples therapy, partners can start therapy for any reason that causes them conflict, distress, or mistrust.

Some common reasons couples may seek therapy include:

  • the need to rebuild trust after infidelity or deceit
  • to enhance physical and emotional intimacy if you’re feeling unsatisfied
  • to overcome trauma
  • going through a transition together, like parenthood or a big move
  • having different, conflicting views on how to parent
  • to help manage substance use disorder recovery for one or both partners
  • to learn more about the relationship and prevent future
  • feeling lost in the busyness of life
  • experiencing the grief of losing a loved one
  • the desire to have fun within your relationship and reignite your spark
  • anger issues that make it difficult to resolve conflict in a rational way
  • wanting to define the significance and seriousness of a relationship with the help of a third party
  • working through infertility
  • blended families and step-parenting
  • career pressures and job changes
  • financial problems

“Oftentimes, couples wait to seek therapy until they have reached a point of crisis within their relationship. And while this is likely a fitting time to seek couples therapy, please consult with a provider to ensure couples counseling is the right avenue of support,” Young says.

But in dangerous or dire situations, mental health professionals may advise another path.

“There are times when couples therapy is not indicated, such as situations of characterological domestic violence or an ongoing affair. In situations such as these, the therapist will likely recommend individual counseling instead,” she says.

No problem is too big or small for therapy, especially with the help of an experienced licensed professional.

From feeling disconnected to your partner to overcoming infidelity, exercises and techniques developed by licensed therapists can rehabilitate your relationship and improve your communication skills.

Complete Article HERE!

Grinding Is the Most Underrated Sex Act

Don’t leave this steamy sex act in high school. It’s worth your adult attention.

By Gabrielle Kassel

Last week during a Zoom birthday celebration, I was mid-professing my love for bump-and-grind hookup action when I noticed some nose-turning happening on the screen. My friends weren’t being judgmental, exactly, but many had taken on the kind of bored expression I reserve for whenever The Bachelor franchise comes up in conversation. Apparently, most of my pals left grinding behind in high school, along with thin-strip eyebrows, slap bracelets, and disc CDs.

While every pleasure-seeker is welcome to their own opinions and preferences, (*insert Carrie Bradshaw voice*) I couldn’t help but wonder: “Are people actively short-changing their pleasure by leaving grinding in the past?”

Obviously, I had a hunch the answer was a big fat YES. But I’m a professional sex journalist, so I took an investigative approach and talked to Taylor Sparks, erotic educator and founder of Organic Loven, as well as other pleasure-seekers who’ve kept the act in their sexual repertoires long after they’d first read The Catcher In The Rye.

Uh, What Do You Mean By… Grinding?

Before we can dive into my thesis statement (that grinding is the best and most underrated sex-tivity), let’s get on the same page about what grinding even is. Really, grinding is any sex act where at least one person is stimulating their external genitals on something or someone.

It can be enjoyed alone using a pillow, the arm of the couch, your own knuckles, or a stuffed animal, says Sparks. Or, it can be enjoyed with a partner. During partnered play, grinding can look like genital-on-genital rubbing, with or without clothes. But, it can also look like genital-on-thigh, genital-on-hip, etc., rubbing, she says.

Grinding can also be known as outercourse, coital alignment, tribadism (vulva-on-vulva grinding), or heavy petting. When all parties involved are fully clothed, it’s also dubbed dry humping, while when all parties are fully naked and rubbing their genitals together, it’s known as scissoring. In what world would a sex act that’s not worth enjoying have that many nicknames? (It wouldn’t!)

Why Grinding Sex Rocks

Two words: Clitoral stimulation. Did you know 73 percent of vulva owners either need clitoral stimulation to orgasm or have better orgasms with clitoral stim? “Grinding gives vulva owners the clitoral stimulation most need to orgasm,” agrees Sparks.

Personally, I enjoy grinding because I enjoy clitoral stimulation, but my glans clitoris (that’s the external portion) is very sensitive. If the little bud is stimulated too much, too fast, suddenly the entire situation becomes a delicate dance of avoiding my clit. Not exactly pleasurable. However, grinding — specifically, clothed grinding — provides a consistent hum of pressure that feels oh-so-good against my clit and manages to do so without overstimulating it.

Sparks adds that the G-spot can also be (indirectly) stimulated by grinding. “The G-spot sits right underneath and behind the pubic bone, so putting pressure on the pubic mound can stimulate that area and offer a really erotic sensation.”

For the record: Grinding can also feel good for people with penises, too. It makes sense if you think about it: What do a hand job, oral sex, and penetrative intercourse have in common? They all involve stimulating the external portion of the penis. “Because rubbing and grinding also involve stimulating the external portion of the penis, they too can be very stimulating for a penis owner,” says Sparks. If penis owners have not been circumcised, “the back and forth motion of grinding can also move the foreskin up and down the penis in a way that can be incredibly stimulating.”

In addition to feeling good, grinding is what Theo, 26, a trans man calls “period-sex proof,” which is why he loves the position so much. “My period gives me gender dysphoria,” he explains. (Gender dysphoria is when someone experiences distress over their biological sex or genitals not being the same as their gender identity.) As such, he doesn’t like engaging in any unclothed sex acts when he’s menstruating. “Grinding sex allows me to keep all of my clothes on during that time of the month, and still receive pleasure,” he says. “Plus, I usually orgasm.”

Dawson, 24, a transfeminine lesbian also credits the position with being identity-affirming for her. “Grinding with clothes on allows me to have orgasmic sex with someone (for instance, a one-night stand) without needing to have a really intimate conversation about my genitals, what I like them called, etc.”

Meanwhile, Courtney, 32, a queer cisgender woman enjoys it because it’s a lower risk activity. “I have herpes, and I’m not on antiretrovirals,” she says. “When I think I may be about to having an outbreak, grinding with our underwear on is one of the ways my boyfriend and I continue having sex.”

She’s right: Grinding is a lower-risk sexual activity — but FTR, in certain circumstances, there is still some risk of STI transmission and pregnancy. If you’re both clothed, the risk of STI transmission is basically zero. If, however, there’s genital-to-genital contact it’s possible for STIs to spread through skin-to-skin contact (HPV, herpes, syphilis, trichomoniasis) or sexual fluids (HPV, HSV, chlamydia, gonorrhea, HIV), too. (Related: Can STDs Go Away On Their Own?)

Pregnancy is possible anytime a person with testicles and a person with an ovary and uterus have penis-in-vagina intercourse. While grinding usually isn’t synonymous with P-in-V, there aren’t any grinding cops, so, if you want to quantify P-in-V as grinding — or use grinding as a precursor of P-in-V — I won’t yuck your yum. Just be aware that pregnancy is possible if those aforementioned requirements are met.

How to Make Grinding Sex Feel Even Better

Trust, these five grinding tips will convert you — and your partner(s) — into fans, too.

1. Dress for the occasion.

“Different types of clothing fabric will generate different types of stimulation,” says Sparks. What feels good to you will vary based on your individual preferences. Denim and corduroy, for example, lend themselves well to intense friction, as do any bottoms replete with seams. Silk, on the other hand, is best for an increased feeling of slipperiness against your bits, she says.

Personally, I like grinding while wearing stretchy leggings or sweats, which allow me to easily spread my legs, and get into a position that makes stimulating my hot-spots easier.

2. Add lube.

Don’t let its nickname (“dry humping”) keep you from adding a little store-bought wetness to your play! Personally, I like to add a little dab of lube between my labia to reduce the discomfort of friction between my downstairs lips. (See: Why Lube Makes Every Sex Scenario Better)

3. Bop in a butt plug.

While I haven’t tried wearing a butt plug during grinding, Carter, 32, and his partner Hannah have. “Hannah wears a butt plug whenever we’re going to a public event,” says Carter. “That way when we sneak off to the coat closet or bathroom to get it on, we can do so with all of our clothes on, and she can still get off,” he says. Hannah, he says, can’t get off from clitoral stimulation alone, but can when she’s being filled anally. (Related: The Best Anal Sex Toys, According to Sexperts)

4. Bring in a buzzy buddy.

Honestly, any type of vibrator can probably be used here, but I recommend wand vibrators.

Just last week I finished unwrapping a new Le Wand wand vibrator (Buy It, $140, babeland.com) when my boo came over. She reached for the glittery thing on my living room table (oh, the life of a sex writer) and turned it on. When I kissed her hello, she began using the buzzy thing on my back. As we continued kissing, she began dragging the wand down my body.

Eventually, she held the wand between our bodies while we bumped and humped against the other’s fully-clothed bodies until, as the Trey Songz bop goes, the neighbor knew both our names.

5. Try standing grinding sex.

“Standing with your partner, and grinding with (or against) them, while one of you leans against the wall can be very sexy and satisfying,” says Sparks. Basically, she recommends recreating the front-facing grinding dance position your middle and high school teachers didn’t allow.

“Adding in a sexy location can take you to an even higher level of sexual heat,” she adds. So, maybe take try standing grinding in the coat closet at your next party. Fair warning: As the aforementioned story suggests, grinding can still be moan-inducing, so you’d do well to mind the noise if you’re in public.

Complete Article HERE!